All Fantasy Everything - Television Dads (w/ Shane Torres, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Sugar Shane Torres and Sean Jordan return on the podcast to draft their favorite dads from television. Episode Guest:Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @syrupmountainSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that is back in the fortress of solid dudes. After a long, this is a long along, who Sean knows from back in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I wouldn't say I know him anymore, but I did. Move along, along, along. I used to know a chip runner named Long 10. Long 10?

He didn't think he was funny. Long 10 is when you ask Shane to do eight. He goes over and does a long 10. Really? You want to talk about how long you went in Portland? Oh, yeah, but it's Portland. I can do however much time I want. King in his countryside. Yeah, exactly.

Shane, sit up. I am sitting up. Shane's got a hard lean right now, dude. I got 12 inches of snow here. Holy buckets. Shane's got that Greyhound bust of Santa Fe sick going on right now. Yeah, well, God, I hope they don't go that bad again. You gotta sit like you're fresh out.

It's the first time we've all been together since the tour. Especially having Shane here since Philadelphia with the four of us. Which ain't coming out. Never come out. Not going to happen, y'all. Because I was doing so well on it and they don't want you to know. That's why that is what it is. That's what happened.

Keep asking. See what happens. Nothing. It's not coming out. It's not coming out. We love you. We love you. Go to the shows, you know.

You got to see it live. Yeah. It's all the way live. It's like Grace Jones. I don't know. That was a weird one. I'll buy that, though. It's like...

It's like... Grace Jones. You got to see it live. Yeah, buy that, though. It's like Grace Jones. You got to see it live. Yeah, like Pink, dude. Got to see. If that's number one on my list for all the artists I got to see live, Pink is number one.

Do you think Pink tours? She busts, right? Yeah, her live show is supposed to be incredible. Oh, yeah, she does the aerial stuff. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I take back all of my snark. I bet it would be amazing. Yeah, pink would be great. Was it Stacy?

Is her name Stacy? I got burned on a couple of pank tickets once. Pank for something on a pommel horse. Just kind of sitting on it. Let's go to that pank show. I'm here for a pank show. The pank bus, dude. Oh, it's just some dude.

There's very few situations. His legs just swing back and forth like a child. Very few situations where I trust a guy named Pank. Never. You know, Pank can get you five white tees for four bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any size you want, man. Or four white tees for five bucks.

Uh-huh. You make the call. Any dude whose nickname is Past Tense, and in this case, Pank is Past Tense of Pink. Do you pink? I mean, I pank. I pank. Yeah, I pank. I pank.

I don't know if I pank. I've been pank. Have I been pank? Is that the question? I've been pank. I mean, I pink. Yeah, I pink. I pink. I don't know if I pink. I've been pink. Have I been pink? Is that the question? I've been pink. I haven't pinked in years. I don't pink anymore. My girl made me cut it out, but I pink.

I got a fucking family, dude. I don't pink. I pink. I mean, I could pink one more time. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, but we got to turn that pink to a pink real quick. You know what I'm talking about?

That's the accession that proves the rule. That's all that is. I need a quick pink pink turnaround. The whole town's dry, but I know a guy named Pink who can get us some weed. Dude, I was just back in Sioux Falls for quite some time, and they can't get weed yet, like legal. They can't just go buy it. So funny to me.

It's so funny hearing a bunch of grownups being like, fuck, town's dry, dude. That is crazy. You know how much weed I like throw away on accident? I have weed that I forgot about in my pocket right now. It is fucking hilarious because I'm just like, you can't

just go get some weed. And they're like, who do you know? Someone who's got them? I'm like, how would I know? If we go somewhere else. California? I don't know gripper dudes. I got a guy named Pank. It's California. I don't know a grip of dudes. I got a guy named Pank. Yeah, you want to swing through Pank's condo? Shane, smoke weed real quick.

No, thank you. I don't want to smoke weed. All right, stop. Pank's got a condo, but he still rents it somehow. Yeah, oh yeah. I own it. Pank's mom's got a condo. Pank's mom's got a condo. Pank's got a place to sleep.

Yeah. Pank sleeps on a leather couch. He turns into a bed, but he never does it. Still calls it three hots and a cot, even though he's not incarcerated. Or never has been. At least not in the States. Hank wears slides on a first date.

He wears slides on the last date. Hank doesn't know the difference. Oddly, Hank's a... No, I don't have anything. Hank can get you any movie on Blu-ray, but it's coming from Sri Lanka. A beat-down bootleg. Hank has seen the director's comedy,

Terry, on Jingle All The Way. Hank's on the director's commentary for Jingle All The Way. Hank's working on a new color right now. Hank has been the oms budsman for three different newspapers. Somehow Hank still has dial up internet. You gotta message him on AIM to get your weed. Pank stank 69.

Most of Pank's money is tied up in the original Razor scooters. That first drop. Those ones that didn't have the gyro so you couldn't tail whip them? Yeah, Razor brand scooters. He's not really liquid right now. So like you got to give him a minute. He's gaseous. Buy low and stays low. Gaseous.

Buy low, stay low. Yeah, dude. Pang's been in the 11th grade for quite some time. Quite some time. Yeah. He got a lacrosse scholarship to a football school and didn't even end up going. You know. Yeah, Pank. Yeah, that kind of podcast. Big Bang Pank. Yeah, that kind of podcast. Big Bang

Pank. Sean Jordan. Sir. In the Fortress of Solidus, at Sean Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar, Melon Jordan on the gram. Tight cross. He's got a tight cross going on now. I like it. A tight cross on the chair refurbished by John McKay. Shout out to John McKay. Johnny M. Johnny M's. It's got a tight cross going on now. I like it. A tight cross on the chair

refurbished by John McKay. Shout out to John McKay. Johnny M. Johnny M's. It's a good chair. It is a good chair. It's a good chair and a fine chair. It's a hefty chair

and will support a great deal of weight. If you sit in the chair, I think you will find it most pleasing. If you have a long day, you will take comfort in the crevasses of the chair and the overstuffed cushion therein. If you find yourself in need of some comfort,

I think you will find this chair quite satisfactory. Yeah, man, I do. It's dope. Yeah, it is dope. Man, Pank can sell a fucking chair. Pank didn't sound like what you guys thought he sounded like. From the salons of Paris all the way to the back rooms of Chicago's or New York's Tammany Hall, you will find a chair like this supporting some of the biggest wheels in the world right now.

Pink's a whole other guy. This is Pink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You thought you knew Pink, dude. Pink. No, I did not. Don't. To know Pink is to know your moments from death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You thought you knew pink, dude. Pink. No, I did not. Don't. To know pink is to know your moments from death.

Yeah, no. That's all I'll say about pink. I wouldn't dare. There's certain things you don't say. What the hell? It's been a minute. Been a minute. Been a minute.

Been a minute. I've been in Sioux Falls taking care of my mother's affairs. That's right. Taking care of mom's affairs. She was having a my mother's affairs. That's right. Taking care of mom's affairs. She's been getting... Every day! She was having a lot of different affairs, and I've been having to tell all those dudes,

like, listen, she broke her neck, so you gotta, you know, that's done. That part's over. Okay. Now she's with John forever. So it's been good, but I've been really having to step on a lot of dudes. She had to get some surgery.

Now when you say break her neck, you know, some people are hearing that. Yeah, I played Busta Rhymes pretty loud upstairs. I do what I want, Mom. Break your fucking... Hank's not my dad. You didn't pass the Cavasier fast enough, so she broke her neck.

That weird Busta period, you know? Not weird, but like... It was transition. If you came up on, like, early Busta Rhymes... It was not put your hands where my eyes could see. It was not. It wasn't leaders of the new school. I mean, it was like.

No, that's early, early. I'm talking like. The touch it era was weird. It was weird. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. It didn't feel like Busta really. Yeah, Busta's a weird.

He's weird, man. Because it was like, is he. He's got that big head. Is he going to gain more muscle or lose some weight? That neck. He gained more muscle. His head is. Tell you what. If my weight? That neck. If I tell you what, if my mom had a neck like Busta Rhymes, she wouldn't have broken it. No way.

Tree trunk. She'd be fucking lead blocker for Saquon Barkley. My mom and Lawrence Taylor would be getting steak dinners every night. How did Michael Jordan steak house? Yeah, well, long story short, I'll tell it on here. I'll give you guys the scoop.

I told you the other night, but it's just such a crazy thing that happened. I told David in between crying sessions. I'm not going to cry anymore because I've said it so much. Well, in between windsurfing sessions. Yeah, yeah. Kiteboarding the whole night.

And then it's crying, yeah. So what happened is my mom had like a spinal fusion. They fused her spine and her neck together, but not completely. And she's recovering. So she's out of the hospital. So she's in the hospital for like a week. And then she got her spine and her neck together, but not completely. And she's recovering. So she's out of the hospital. So she's in the hospital for like a week. And then she got out.

Hopsital. Hopsital, the popsicle. She was in the popsicle for about a week, got out for about two days. And then I woke up and I walked downstairs and I saw there was like a broken cupboard on the ground and the bathroom door was shut. And I was like, what's going on?

So I texted her. I know. Haven't I told you this yet? Have I not told you this? No. Well, what's going on? So I texted her. Jesus. Haven't I told you this yet? Have I not told you this? No. Well, okay. So I guess maybe I will cry. I won't. But anyway. Share it with all of us. It was shut.

The door was shut and I texted her. She's always in there. And I texted her. I was like, hey, you good? No answer. And then I texted her again. Like, you good? No answer. So I knocked on the door a couple times and then I could hear just this faint whisper. And I was like, mom? door a couple times and then I could hear just this faint whisper. And I was like, mom? And she's like, yeah. Like whispering for real. And I was like, you good? And she

said no in that whisper. And I tested. I gave the door. Pretty cool. I gave the door one little shoulder like, I mean, I got it. So I go, should I kick this door down? And I heard her say yes. That door didn't have a chance. Kicked her right the fuck down and then found my mom. I like how in this story that's so sad you were smiling when you do something masculine. Sean ran upstairs. He put have a chance. Kicked her right the fuck down and then found my mom. I like how in this story that's so sad,

you were smiling when you do something masculine. Sean ran upstairs. He put on his key. He put on his black belt. I found my black belt certificate, nailed it to the door. You did a reasonable amount of stretches. I didn't need to get a running start, but I did.

Put up a picture of five different women who she'll remain unnamed. Nicole! They've wronged me in the past. Nicole! And found my mom laying there, not breathing all that well. Did you kick the handle off the door? Is that how it went?

No, the whole side of the thing ripped off. Almost like it was delivered a roundhouse kick to the base. Yeah. The side of the frame that would be where the lock is, that whole thing just came off. And then, anyway, I called the par paramedics and they had to come get her and it's been an ordeal. She's okay.

Now it's like her neck, just like a couple surgeries she'll have to have and I've just been back taking care of my grandpa. She's getting a little better bit by bit. How's that door doing? You should see the other door. Yeah. That door's never going to shut again, I'll tell you that.

Apparently, what made her fall was having her paradigm about Guy Fieri shifted so rapidly. She lost her balance. Shane just goes... I did it. Hey, it's a hat I got to wear. Shane, I've heard it probably 10 times.

After like nine. Yeah, we keep holding hands on the go. I love it. Shane will get like nine whiskey sours in him and just sit down and be like, man, I just don't want to be the Guy Fieri comic. Yeah, you should be, man. Also, when am I drinking whiskey sours?

I don't know. What do you drink? Whiskey soda? Yeah, whiskey soda. Shane gets a couple, when am I drinking whiskey sour? I don't know. What do you drink? Whiskey soda? Yeah, whiskey soda. Shane gets a couple of Harvey Wallbangers in him. I get a long, slow screw up against a wall in me with a couple of Appletinis popping it on at the end of the night. I'll tell you, when Shane gets into his sea breezes,

he gets philosophical. When he gets into those buttered slipper nipples. When I hear Tom Cruise's poems from Cocktail. Show me the bar. Show me that bar, by the way. It's so funny when they read poems. The whole bar shuts the fuck up to hear him read a poem.

What the bar is based on? The original TGI Fridays. In New York. So the other bar they go to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like a four-level bar where he gets everyone to be quiet and he reads them a poem.

Yeah, yeah. It's in the warehouse. Yeah, I know. You think I haven't seen cocktail a couple times? Keep the tone. Keep the tone in a reasonable area, okay? Watch your mouth. Are you serious right now? Keep the tone. Help me with the sale Three things

This door hits back, motherfucker Three things you need to do To survive around me Check your tone Keep my name out your mouth Take the bass out your voice Okay? You ready for all three of those?

Okay There you go There it is Yeah So yeah Been a weird month, man But It has

Back here Back in it We made it even weirder By going to the Roost And having one drink And getting Postmates Taco Bell Been a weird month, man. Back here. Back in it. We made it even weirder by going to the Roost and having one drink and getting Postmates Taco Bell and not even almost finishing it. Did you catch there was a bite out of one of those tacos? No, I didn't. You motherfucker, really? I tried.

That's hilarious. I tried the night. Wait, you got one drink and no Taco Bell? We got Taco Bell. So we went to a wine bar. We had a couple drinks. So it had been a night. We hadn't seen each other yet.

So we just kind of sat here all day and caught up and just eased into it. And then had a couple here, went to a wine bar, had a few. And then the roost had one. The roost is top of two. So you bounced around. This wasn't a one and done night. It wasn't a one drinking out, but the roost being what it is.

Yeah, I don't know. It tends to have a gravity to it. It does. Well, Muhammad Ali went back into the ring one too many times. drinking out, but the roost being what it is tends to have a gravity to it. Muhammad Ali went back into the ring one too many times. The guys miss us. They were so stoked. I went there a couple weeks ago and she was like, where's your friends? I felt like such a deadbeat

walking in there because it had been so long. I earnestly felt bad. I was like, wait a second. No, I'm not getting blackout a bunch. Yeah, you don't want what's best for me. Yeah, but you know, I still felt bad. Yeah. It was

man, I'll tell you this. It was really good getting to sit with you all day and catch up with you like that. It was something you don't know that you need. You know, Shane's going to get alcohol. That's what he's doing. Last call. Saturday was a day that I needed for me for sure.

I needed that. For me for sure. You're on for me for sure. For me for sure. Your medium to severe plexus is right for me for sure. Doctor for me for sure. I're medium to severe plaques or isis, right? For me for sure. Doctor for me for sure. I wouldn't even call it moderate.

I'd say severe plaques or isis. I have severe for me for sure. Severe for me for sure? I have severe for me for sure. Fuck you, man. Spanx. Anyway. What do you got coming up that you can hit people to, Daniel?

Nothing. Tell these cats about the groovy sound. Lay it on thick and lay it on quick. Give them some of that pitter patter on the hot tin roof. Yeah. Doing a board breaking demo soon, apparently. Shall we be at the Clackamas Town Center? 9.45 a.m. on Saturday?

It is a demo slash recruitment, so come ready to sign up. Come ready to access your training. There was a part of me where my stepdad was like, so what's up with the door? I was like, it's broken, dog. And I felt cool. Hey, what's up with the door? If you want to ask that question again, you'll know what's up with the door.

Why don't you go ask that door and tell it not to snitch on me ever again? It's fucking broken. Unless you mean what's up with the doors, and then depending on who you talk to, either massively over or massively underrated. Yeah, yeah. Under. Yeah, yeah. You think underrated for the doors?

No, I think over. I think about right. They got like three songs that I am ever interested in hearing. Yeah, it's like Roadhouse Blues. I like L.A. Woman. Yeah. You should see Ivan M. Carmel, my father,

in karaoke. I do not think I want I need to put on suntan lotion if I see that. You need to see that shit. Karaoke L.A. Woman. It's crazy. Now, is he an attorney at law? He's an attorney at law. Okay, just checking. He's an attorney at law and sometimes he's a bachelor of play. No, he's married. He's involved attorney at law. Okay, just checking. He's an attorney at law, and sometimes he's a bachelor at play. No, he's married. He's involved.

He has a terrible, terrible wife. Well, she doesn't listen. He doesn't listen. Oh, man. If you listen to this show, you got either a brain or a heart. She doesn't have either one of those things. We're fine.

Shandink. Yeah. She had me in her houseboat for Thanksgiving one year. Yeah, that was Ivan's houseboat. I know. I know. I don't know if she was putting out any of those payments. Yeah, you understand what I'm saying.

I do. Yeah. Dad, if this happens to be one of the episodes you listen to. Wow. He's like, I got a long drive. I would kill or die for you. And she's all right. You know, I keep, I'm polite.

Yeah. Yeah. She was never nice to me until I got on TV. But, uh, you know, funny. My auntie was the same way. Really? Yeah. Anti social.

That's what she is. I just, all your, your Netflix special just disappeared. I got disinvited from the Emmys on Saturday. Anti-social. I don't do TV. A lot of reasons. Main one is that I don't want to. Choice.

It's a big choice. Choice. Choice, dude. Choice. Choice. Let's bring that back. Shane Torres. Hello.

At Shane Torres on Twitter. Yes. At Shane Torres on Twitter. Yes. At Shane Torres on Instagram. Syrup Mountain. Syrup Mountain still. But if you, I'm verified now, so it doesn't, I guess if you put it in, fine. None of it matters. Damn, he's got that swipe up.

Yeah. Instagram. Instagram. You gotta have that swipe up. Let me swipe up. I can't swipe up. The swipe up is. Do you see?

I know some people make good use of it. I'm not going to be a nerd about it but they said it really increases your engagement a lot swipe up and tell Shane how to spell everything he just wrote those are the two big things we're going to do this

oh I'll tell you what I got coming up you don't need another enemy Shane now that you got Delta on your shit list dude I am so mad because you guys make fun of me for this shit. You don't want... I am so mad. What happened? Do you really want to know? Because you guys make fun of me for this shit, but it's the only way I get it fixed. I complain about airlines all the time on Twitter.

Yeah, but you guys also make fun of me about it. Nobody's making fun of you about it. That's the goddamn... You get a few bucks in the bank, and then you're just so much better than me. He doesn't post Delta is dipshits and then put it... That's where they're a bunch of liars, you fuck ass. And then just expect

all the planes to drop out of the air when he does it. Did I say I wanted that? Like it's the happening or something. God, I hope the plane you're on.

was about? No, no, no. I'll tell you what's happening. This can't be on my list. I'll tell you what I got coming up.

Hold on. I'm going to talk like a white jazz man from here on out. All right. I'm sorry to talk like a white jazz man from here on out. All right. Shane and I are doing boast rattle against each other where we have to give each other compliments at high planes. Boy, am I ever going to be in the crowd for that.

Yeah, man. I'm going to be smoking weed, watching that. You know who's not going to be there? John Jordan is so smart. He didn't even have to finish college. Oh, that's good. A little taste. Yeah.

Yeah. Just a little one. Yeah. Yeah. They get none. They getting none over here. Dave and I are going to be sitting at a red checkered tablecloth table eating spaghetti like two characters from The Sopranos. Yeah, yeah.

With that candle that comes out of the wine bottle. Breathing all out through our noses. Talking about mortadels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tucking your napkins into your shirt. Oh, yeah. Is that a thing you guys do? Will you do that?

No are you talking about Sam T at that wedding? Did he tuck a nappy? Yeah He went nuts He was also wearing shorts at the wedding He didn't want to get his Gordman shirt all dirty He was wearing shorts and a pink western shirt with a bolo tie I like that

I don't know if I like the shorts Looking crazy as the fucking day is. They were tidy shorts. Was he wearing wrestling shoes? They were like swim shorts. The texture on them was... They were great. I would never presume to tell Sam Talent what to do. That guy's a visionary in many ways.

Not shorts wise though maybe. Not dressing though. No, you're right. You're right. I told him, I was like, are you going to wear pants? Everybody's going to be wearing pants. And he was like, and he tried on a bunch of different outfits because we were in the same hotel room.

You look good. I saw pictures of you. Yeah, you look great. I like your late summer fit. Yeah, I soaked it up. I got a silk shirt. You need to sport that jacket a lot. That jacket is good.

I'm going to wear it all the time. I'm going to wear it all the time. High planes. I'm going to be wearing a dickless gorilla outfit. The whole time. Where is he, you dickless gorilla? Oh, God. Sounds like a Clint Eastwood movie.

One of the new ones. Yeah. That's like a Gran Torino style Hey Dickless Gorilla Bradley Cooper actually says that in The Mule Is Bradley Cooper in The Mule? Yeah What?

Yeah Good catch Shane Torres The Big Cranberry What do you got coming up baby? I don't know when this will come out Probably Thursday It'll come out Thursday

I have a new show at the Sultan Room In Bushwick September 18th You and Fiji Bottles David Cross is on the first one And Dulce Sloan and Dan Soder Who is Mafia on Billions Dan Soder, who is Muffy on Billions. Hell yeah, Dan Soder.

303 represent Aurora, Colorado. What up? We know who's Muffy on Billions, baby. This is a Billions household. By the way, we haven't talked about it. I'm caught up on Billions. You're caught up? I'm caught up.

Billions. It's so good. Yeah, I love it. Billions, you're caught up. What do you think of Billions? I'm going to take a private helicopter ride. I'm going to hit him out of them. Bon Jovi hit the stage with the metal hands in 88.

He did say that. He said shit like that. It's like timely age reference. Respect. All their shit. How much do you think this Metallica shirt cost? $500. I'm going to hit him.

I'm going to hit him like Willie Stodgill on the We Are Family Pittsburgh Pirates in 74. And then you waltz like Leonard Cohen into the Chelsea Hotel. Perfect. Yeah, exactly. They're just coming to get a taste. Taste, taste. Well, you know what?

Fucking hotels close. X. Yes. Yes. That's it. That was it. Are you being Giamatti on that? Yeah, I'm pretty much that.

Yeah. And guess what? The hotel's closed, Jack. I like the dad. Yeah, yeah. Oh,? The hotel's closed, Jack. I like the dad. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the dad's great. That dude's a savage. Yeah, but he's just like, that line where he says, like, our generation would have fucked through AIDS. You're like, oh,

good. Yeah, that shit was crazy. That's such a crazy line. I know a lawyer in Portland that can introduce you to that. He also just like, when he was like, oh, this isn't great podcasting I'd slap you in the face and tell you to be a man But I'm afraid you'd like it

He said that in front of his wife His dad did He's so brutal But they all kind of respect it because they're all animals too Anyway you got a show in It's the animal kingdom which is another show It's in Brooklyn In Long Island City

Why are you doing this I would like the show to go well. In Coney Island. Is it in Manhattan, the Bronx? Yes. Uptown. What now? Let's make it happen.

Okay, keep going. Brooklyn Zoo. Can you name one more borough? Chelsea. Staten Island. I knew you could. Yeah, I got the five boroughs. Is it in Chelsea?

Chelsea's a neighborhood. Is it in Syracuse? You have a show in Syracuse that you started? You're doing 15 during halftime at Rucker Park? What you would have to get for me to do that? You got an 8 a.m. show every other Monday at Niagara Falls?

You're going to be doing an opening of Sweet Greens at the new Hudson Yards? I don't know any of the neighborhoods. You're walking here? Oh, good God. At the Turks Inn in the Salton Room, September 18th. Please come. Found Footage Festival. Maybe a special musical guest.

The building is the Turks Inn at the Salton Room there. The Salton Room is at the Turks Inn. And that's in Brooklyn at 8 p.m., you said? Yes, 8 p.m. September 18th. September 18th. There you go. And Albeit Life is Beautiful in Vegas, too. Oh, yeah.

Fun trip. Fun show. You know what Ian calls it? You know what he calls Las Vegas? You're gonna love this. Oh, it is very fun. Hold on. It's gonna blow your hair back. It's crazy that me doing plugs takes 30 minutes to get through. You're going to fucking lose your shit. You know how people gamble?

I'll say no. People gamble sometimes when they go to Vegas. Go ahead. I like to call it lost wages. And if that. Podcast isn't going to get any funnier than that. If that tickled your fancy. One thing I've taken to doing recently.

Oh, no. This is going to kill you, dude. It's crazy because it's timely. This is going to kill you. This is satire. This is funny. This is funny. I've told that last one. This is funny. I am seething.

What with all the goings on. You know, the climate. Political and otherwise. Washington, D.C. political and otherwise There's a little house I don't like that you can look at me and do this Hold on, dude, you haven't even heard the punchline yet Wait until he gets the punchline

1600 Avenue there, down there in D.C. District of Columbia Some people call it the White House Me? Not him Recently? What with all the goings on? Political. I've taken a call I've taken a call

The Looney Bin. Sorry if anyone just got in an accident. You can use that but do credit me. Give him the credit. I was on the DC show. You certainly were. You said that a lot.

Oh, it's out now. Oh, yeah, that's right. Shit. The world has heard it. So check that out. Life is beautiful in Las Vegas. Yeah, and then just go to the website, shanescomedian.com. Shanescomedian.com. High Plains. You'll be at High Plains.

I'll be at High Plains. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you're... Sean and I are in a competitive compliment contest at High Plains. To each other. I don't see how you're going to pull it off. I really don't. I can't wait. I'm going to be there. You're going to fight or you're going to fuck. One of the two things is going to happen. I'm going to be there. You're going to fight or you're going to fuck. One of the two things

is going to happen. I'm going to go to the Hornet. One usually leads to the other with me. Yeah. I'm going to put down a thick base. I'm going to pour alcohol all over it. Shane will be heavily complimented. That's going to be great. We're going to be all over it. We're going to be thick as thieves. That festival. Oh yeah. We've got the AFE.

We have an AFE curated and hosted stand-up show that Shane is on, right? All comedy. Kate and Holland. Miriam. Sharpie. And we'll be doing sets. Are we doing sets or are we hosting?

We're doing sets, too. Let's talk about sets, baby. Is that a podcast? It probably is. We're doing a live AFE, of course, that Shane is on. Three Kings. We did it last year there, right?

Go to High Plains Comedy Festival.com. Check it out. Do better this time. My back hurt from carrying you through this industry. Damn. You haven't really helped. Ian's back should hurt. It does.

It's not because of the industry thing I just have a sciatic issue on account of my Semitic heritage And my less than ideal Treatment of my own body You're from Santa Monica? You 100% beach mitzvahed and everything

Yeah beach mitzvahed dude See I got shitty jokes too Oh you got Beach mitzvahed was actually This guy Pank See, I got shitty jokes too. Beast Widow is actually this guy, Pink, gets his Finish! You couldn't even get it out. Finish strong! That's where he gets most of his bootleg

puka shell necklaces. I got stars. I got stars I got stars I can see them The G is silent on Twitter Coolguyjokes77 on Instagram That's a me David Borey Back in the Forge vs. Solidudes

I'm back Fresh off a wedding We love you Claire O'Kane And Nick Naney It was a fun wedding it was a funny wedding Congratulations on the wedding Fresh off a wedding. Yeah. We love you, Claire O'Kane and Nick Naney. Yeah. It was a fun wedding. It was a funny wedding.

Congratulations on the wedding. Yeah. I am not going to finish that here today. After the wedding comes the heavy pedding. That's what's up next. I'll say it until you finish it. Don't. I'm not going to finish it. I have some dates coming up.

Congratulations. September 19th and 20th, I am headlining at Stand Up Live in Phoenix. The city we love. The city we... I love it. Always a fun time. After the show, I'm going to go next

door and watch some live karaoke and get all drunk. I love that. That would be fun. Live band karaoke. It's connected to the club. It's so much fun. And then, yeah, other than that, you know, come see us at High Plains. We just got word. I think we're going to also be screening

my short film at High Plains. Oh, great, man. Yeah, I think we're going to be doing that. That short film, as we all know, is It's not that long. I was going to try to come up with a funny thing. Oh, okay. My brain was just like sorry. Mine also spazzed.

Yeah. I said it's not that long. Episode 15 of Dinosaurs. See, it's not that funny. No. Either way, we're also going to try to put it it'll be on the internet at some point for your viewing pleasure.

We just got some stuff we're kind of like waiting on to see. We're also going to try to put it, it'll be on the internet at some point, free viewing pleasure. We just got some stuff we're kind of like waiting on to see. Thank you so much for everybody who came out to it. And then, you know, every Friday come to Faded. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. Zoom. At Ian Carmel on Instagram.

Jump. At Ian Carmel on Jewish what's the credit monitoring app? Hold on. Experian. Experian. You got a better boost for that? Because I got the Experian boost and it didn't do me up. I don't know, man. I can't figure out

my fucking credit score. It's honestly Do you have credit karma? This isn't a this isn't a credit karma is good though so i've been getting some some heavy pressure from my queen to get some to work on it yeah you're 37 tighten it up the queen the queen has applied the queen's grip around the back of my neck and requested that I work on my credit. And I understand. And I'm trying. Well, the queen is the most powerful piece on the board.

Sure. There hasn't been one around that gave a fuck ever. So this is the first time I've ever... Unless you put a Rancor pit monster figurine on there. You're back. You're back. Your Netflix special just popped back up. Wow.

I just finished my drink. Some people, you know, some people say I'm playing chess. He's playing checkers. You know, I say he's playing chess.

I'm playing me. I put a Rancor pit monster. I just put one of those old like two foot tall GI Joes on there. Yeah. I put a 38 special on there. We play

we play downtown rules over here. You're playing chess. I'm playing for keeps. God, I wish somebody would. Make a move. If somebody said that in a park. Oh, somebody said that in a park. Yeah.

To Bobby Fisher. That's the only place. Yeah, that's the most likely place it's been said the idea of slamming a gun down the table I know it's terrible but it's so funny in my head all the pieces go flying only one game really matters

so yeah that's where I'll be check me out i've been limiting my social time so i haven't been on i took twitter off my phone yeah i took twitter and i took facebook off my phone yeah i deleted facebook messenger yeah and i'm trying not to check instagram a lot so yeah sorry i have there haven't been a lot of dispatches from the field i just uh i need my brain to work better than Twitter makes it work. It makes it so bad. Yeah, it makes my shit hella muddy.

You waste so much shit on that. Dude, just stare at it, too. Yeah, I never absorb anything, but I'm constantly on it. Yeah, exactly. I'll be at High Plains as well. Yes, sir. Outside of that, man, just watching the Late Late Show. How was Bumbershoot? You just returned.

Oh, Bumbershoot was really fun. Yeah, thanks to everyone who came out. There were plenty of AFE fans up there. That was fucking rad. I was bummed. I received an offer to go, but I was tending to mother. You could not, yeah. I didn't get an offer. Damn, cool.

That's all I wanted to do was a little flex right there. I told him to bring the three of us up and keep Shane out again I said very clearly Very clearly, we will come up But I swear to God if Shane's there Why are you like this? Well, answer it

Think about it I just gave it a second to try to figure it out Yeah, because, you know Be honest with him It hurts Shit Fuck So what are we drafting?

I don't know, man Nothing, no Drafting compliments, dude I don't know, man Well, go on. Tell them what you told them. Tell your listeners what you told everybody at Bumper Shoot. What did I tell everybody at Bumper Shoot?

You said, I'm very clear. You can have the three of us come. But if you bring up Shane, it'll tear the Space Needle in half. I've done it before. And not even break it, you'll tear it in half the long way. And I will kill Chris Novoselic with it.

Oh. Yeah. Eddie Vedder ain't safe. No. Sean Kemp, I'll tear it in half the long way. And I will kill Chris Novoselic with it. Oh. Yeah. Eddie Vedder ain't safe. Sean Kemp, I'll find him. Like Eddie Vedder, dude. That's what I said. In the catacombs that used to be the key arena. So no rock can get it. No, it was really fun. Bubble Shoot was awesome. Pick-a-thon was pretty cool.

Yeah, it's been a fun summer. Late summer doing stand-up. Yeah, late summer kind of... We all did our own thing late summer. We did, yeah, after the tour. Not even on purpose. Just like how it happened. Pretty wild.

I went up to a cottage in northern Michigan for a week. Yes, yes. And then went to Sioux Falls for a month. You communed with the loons. Yeah. I was out there, dude. Nature style.

Nature. It was dang. All kinds of frogs and toads and everything. I caught my first fish of my whole life. Well, you didn't tell me that. You never caught a fish? Never caught a fish. You're 37.

I know he doesn't have credit cards either. That's usually, you got one or the other. Yeah, I mean, true. Why does your credit suck? I've been out there fucking catching fish for 37 years. God damn it. Since the year of our Lord, 1981, I've been out there fucking catching fish for 37 years. God damn it. Since the year of our Lord, 1981, I've been out there fishing. You know where I got credit?

In the fucking Montana Rainbow Trout record books. I'll sell the lake. Go check my fucking... I got credit spillways all across this country. My money's green. You go fishing. Sluices, spillways. I'm in there.

Sand bars. Yeah, dude. I'm in the reeds with it. Spawning season. Spring thaw. I'm out here. I threw a tire in the lake. Say a word. No, bars. Yeah, dude. I'm in the reeds with it. Spawning season. Spring thaw. I'm out here. I threw a tire in the lake. Say a word.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't litter, bud. Oh, you're building, you know, habitats. Yet today, we are gathered here in the Fortress of Solitude not only to speculate on fishens, but also to fantasy draft, as we are wont to do television dads now i don't know what the rubric for this is best tv dads tv dads you'd want most i guess we're gonna find out in the course of play

yeah uh if you wanted your dad to be a ball pit yeah or like a foam roller i'm looking right at you david right at you right at you, bud. Don't do that to me. I'll take a fucking foam roller, dude. Those things. Yeah, you've been rolling foam. I've been rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. Is it helping? Helps with everything, yeah. I got a bicycle, but it only stays in place. Yeah. You gotta get a

foam roller, because that rolls. Can I ride the bicycle over the foam roller? I mean, I'm not gonna tell you what you can and can't do. Yeah, not inside my house. No. You are a Lee C. I feel like you fly over the own wings.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You want to get something done, tell you you can't do it. Yeah, so that's what we're fantasy drafting. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicky game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw and shoot.

I'm shooting up. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, Play between the three of you and we throw and shoot. I'm shooting up. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, Sean Jordan wins! Damn it. Sean Jordan, fresh face. Now he's scissoring us. I don't think I've ever done that.

I get the pick that Shane wants. That's fine. Yeah. Now, maybe you do, but we haven't determined an order yet. We haven't. Before you do. That's why I pumped the brakes a little bit. Though it isn't coming upon you

to determine the order of the draft, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. If you're back in South Dakota. What's that? I said this is my favorite part. Is it really?

I love you to pieces. I do. I love you too. God, you rule. I think he was being sarcastic. I wasn't. I do. I'd do anything for anyone in this room. I really would. Let's say that you're back home.

Wouldn't hurry the fuck up. Except for get to the fucking point. One simple thing I asked for. I was over here blubbering. I said, it's after he got a DUI. It's like you're reading the iTunes contract. This is terrible. Knock it off.

Let's say you're back at the crib. Everyone's asleep at your parents' house. Everyone's asleep. You're there. Can't really do too much while your mother's in the hospital, so you come home drunk one night and you make a pizza and you make a turkey and you make like a turkey sandwich. And you look at those two things.

You make a frozen pizza and then you make a turkey sandwich with heavy, heavy things that don't go on the frozen pizza, like mayonnaise and stuff but mustard, stuff that doesn't go on a pizza. So you take a bite of the pizza. You're like, that was good. I made the turkey sandwich for a reason though. So you take a drink of the milk that you have in the middle.

So you have pizza and then you take a drink of the milk and then over here is the turkey sandwich. a reason, though. So you take a drink of the milk that you have in the middle. So you have pizza, and then you take a drink of the milk, and then over here is the turkey sandwich. You eat like a drunk child. I do a lot of things like a drunk child. So then after you take a bite of the sandwich, you go, that pizza was pretty dope, though. I think I made that for a reason first, but while it was cooking, I made the sandwich.

So you want another bite of pizza. Take a bite of the sandwich again real quick. You're like, sandwiches are dope. I like sandwiches. Take a drink of the milk right in the middle, and then you're on your way back to the pizza. take a bite of the sandwich again real quick you're like sandwiches are dope i like sandwiches take a drink of the milk right in the middle and then you're on your way back to the pizza take a bite of the pizza it's not done so you put it back in for a second take it back out you put it back in for like four minutes take another bite like that was dope who am i kidding i'm gonna finish everything i made take another drink of the milk another bite of the sandwich and just kind of back and forth until you get diarrhea. They're eating an undercooked pizza in this metaphor.

Are we talking about a Totino's or like a Red Baron? It was an oven, like a Tony's. But yeah, definitely wasn't cooked all the way. Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round and you pick first in the second round. Yeah, pretty much. Sidebar, did you say you put mustard and mayonnaise on the pizza? No, I was saying, so the reason it was such a bummer is because...

I thought I heard that, too. That's what it sounded like. I was saying you put that on the sandwich, but they don't mix with the pizza. So eating those two things at the same time is really gross. Así es. Kind of what I was getting at. Word up. Okay, well, with that in common in mind, I said in common twice.

This is what happens, you know what I mean? We took a break. I've dipped pizza crust in just about anything you can, like, mustard, mayonnaise, for sure. Mayonnaise? Pizza crust and mayonnaise? For sure. Pizza crust and mayonnaise. Yep, I'll eat off all the

pizza stuff. Sounds like a sad, like, a sad thing they sing about a dying town. Yeah. Just like, pizza crust and mayonnaise. Mama's out for work. And the factory closed so long ago. Well, there's still one light on somewhere inside. Danny's down at the diner.

Dipping pizza crust In mayonnaise And the thunder Roaring out Like the diesel engine You forgot about Sean's there down the creek Fishing for trout

Oh man Somebody put the guitars behind the hat. Send it back to us. Somebody will. And I've been putting hot sauce on the salad. I'm putting tears in my pillow. I can see the video. In my head, I can see them.

This is not hard to picture at all. You could have been filming me this last month and made that video. Should have been, I could see them. This is not hard to picture at all. You could have been filming me this last month and made that video. Should have been filming you this last month. Carl ain't been the same since senior year. Oh, shit. There's ghosts of his past glory

dancing in here. Now it feels like it's about me. There's visions of her dancing in his beard. I like how you looked around and we're like, this is a dope song.

Yeah, what are we? Before I do determine the order of the death, what I will say, since I haven't, I said it on the Patreon, but won't draw it out, but thank you to everybody

who reached out about my mother and the situation. thank you to everybody who reached out about my mother in this situation. A lot of people have reached out. We, all the, so some people on the Patreon got together, sent a care package to my mom, not to me. So it was pretty cool. Having something to show my aunt, like, hey.

Yeah, well, they don't really let you eat Hormel chili when you're in the hospital. You can smell it, though. Yeah, they got it, though. Yeah, they got it. That's what Sioux Falls smells like. Everyone in the Slack got together and made me a video of how sending good wishes, so thank you

from the bottom of my heart. And you can't get mayonnaise in dog pets! That's a neighborhood in Sioux Falls right there. You need to throw something in about a drug deal gone wrong. Oh, yeah. No, town's dry, bro. And your bright yellow cross colors.

Banana shorts. You grew up in a white ghetto, but you're the last to know. I just sent David to the busiest street in town. I sent him a video of the busiest street with no cars on it. And I'm like, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe. Send me a few texts that alluded to maybe you're coming to my side of things.

Maybe. It might be. You should go out there. What? You should go out there. You will all come to Sioux Falls. I think this on video, like you explained to him that it is a dump. You will all come to Sioux Falls.

Okay. Let's. all right. The lot of cracker jacks down at Tommy Jack's. Chisleck down at Tommy Jack's. Chisleck down there at Tommy Jack's. I'm going to write a Bruce Springsteen song about your experience in Sioux Falls. That's beautiful. And then we're bringing Punch Up the Jam back up.

It'll sell. Unpunchable. Yeah, dude. So, Sean, it's your time to determine the order of the draft. Oy, oy. Oy, oy. Oy? Oy, right, oy.

Eva? Eva! I know what you're doing. Me, Shane, David, Ian. Okay, I think I'll get my first. Sean, Shane, David, Ian. Sean, Shane, David, Ian. Hot corner.

All right, I love it. You like it. I just wanted the first pick. Good to start the draft. This might. All right. I love it. You like it. I just wanted the first pick. It's really the draft. This might be the longest we've gone in. Might be 45 minutes. Oh, that's not bad.

Pretty good. Pretty good. Definitely done longer. Like free draft parts. It's just, you know, I was putting up to 25, 30 times today. So like my mind's elsewhere. Oh, 30 times. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you're just getting back in there. Don't be yourself. I'm thinking about the pump right now. That's two plates on each side. So I'm sitting on that Don't be yourself. I'm thinking about the pump right now. That's two plates on each side, sucker. You're sitting on that new Pendleton, too? I'm sitting on a new Pendleton. You're a blanket. Your blankets are great.

Thank you. Yeah, they really are. I'm a blanketman. I'm a candleman. The candles are what's up. Would it be a candler? A candler? Oof.

I like candlemen. No, that's a charge. Yeah. They call them for candling. You know, Ian used to work. That's a first strike, right? Yeah him for candling. Ian used to work. That's a first strike, right? Ian used to work for Chelsea. You know what they do to candlers in there?

Where? Sing, sing, dog. Awesome. Ian used to work for Chelsea Candler. You know that? I tried to say that joke like eight times and it just wasn't good. I get it.

I get it. Sean. Yeah. Now that the order of the draft has been determined, it is your turn to make your first pick. But before you do, we're going to take a quick break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything

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PolicyGenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's PolicyGenius.com. Neon Rubic! Sean Jordan, you have the first pick of the all fantasy everything television dad draft.

You are the clock. It's been a long week. High school isn't it's not an easy thing for anyone. High school isn't. It's been a long week. I kind of breezed through. It was a long week. I didn't. It was a long week.

Really long week for Julie Taylor. And she comes home and she's just kind of looking for someone to calm her down. He's also had a long week, but he doesn't care because he's the best dad in the known television universe. He's always caring. He's looking out for his entire family. You know he's got two daughters, right, Shane? You know he's got two daughters.

Looking out for the whole team. Go on. He's been a father figure to many of these children. I'm going to pick Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Great pick, Shane. Your first pick. I only... I knew Shane would pick him.

I didn't see either one of you two picking him. My eyes did not light up. I'm taking him late. I'm taking a flyer on him. I had to get him. Had to be my first. Just to make sure Shane you two picking him. My eyes did not light up. I could see Ian taking him late. Late, yeah. I would have taken a flyer on him. I had to get him. Had to be my first just to make sure Shane didn't get him. See, that's like a mean reason to have a dad. What?

Just to make sure Shane didn't get him. Mine's dead, too. I'm just glad. I'm just glad. I just don't want Shane to have a father. I just pick all the good ones because I don't want Shane to have a boy. I just pick all the good ones because I don't want Shane to get them. You also like him. I love him.

He's purely a block. Yeah. Yeah, that's the best. Why are you being nice? Don't let him have it. He's doing it to be mean. He watches Friday Night Live. No, I'm not.

He's a shot so sweet. And he said, I'm picking him so Shane doesn't have a boy. I obviously didn't mean it like that. I meant I'm picking Eric Taylor. I don't know. I feel like you did. Well, obviously didn't mean it like that. I meant I'm picking Eric Taylor. I don't know. It feels like you did. Well, I didn't mean it like that. I'm picking Eric Taylor.

And in this Taylor, you're Julie Taylor? Excuse me. In this Taylor, I said. You held that Jew for a long time. Jew. Lee Taylor. His twin sons that he abandoned. Jew and Lee Taylor.

What are some of the qualities you enjoy about Coach Eric Taylor? I love how serious he is. It's always, it's like... You want a stern father. I want a, yeah, I do, but I don't want a mean father. He's always, he gets his point across. He really, really cares. That's another good thing.

And he doesn't like, he treats all these kids like they're adults, which is a nice thing. He doesn't like talk down to kids or anything. He doesn't like he treats all these kids like they're adults which is a nice thing he doesn't like talk down to kids or anything he doesn't sugarcoat anything i mean he's a football coach a very winning football coach yeah i just love my offensive mind he really really cares about everyone though and he's just fucking awesome plus he's holding down connie britain so you know you know something's up yeah he's packing. He's the best. Although she drinks a lot of wine. She does.

That was her idea. She's like, Tammy Taylor needs wine in that show. That was her idea. To be like, Tammy Taylor always needs a glass of wine in that show. What a weird idea. I love that that was her idea. I do too. I've only seen the movie.

I've read the book. Oh yeah, the book. Me too. I've only seen the movie. I've read the book. Oh yeah, the book. Me too. I've never seen the movie. I've never seen the TV show. Barbara Holm bought me the book and Brian Cook spilled all over it. She was given to me at a bar

and Brian Cook, I want to say on purpose, kind of gave it a little elbow and spilled whiskey all over it. Could have used a dad. Could have taught you how to handle that. I handled it. I read the book. Yeah, Eric Taylor's a shit man.

Best dad in the television universe. No getting around it. I only watched the first two seasons of that show. That's what I think one of the best shows ever made. The way the first season ends is fantastic with that parade through town and Devil Town covered by Bright Eyes. It's a Daniel Johnstone song.

Another Texan. Covered by Bright Eyes, who I think is from not Texas. Oklahoma? Denver? Is he from Denver? No, he's from Nebraska. Somewhere in the Midwest. Daniel Johnstone? Omaha. No, Daniel Johnstone's from Texas. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that is fantastic. I was living in a devil town. Didn't know it was a devil town. Oh, Lord, it really brings me down about the devil town. No, my friends were vampires. Didn't know they were vampires. Didn't know they were vampires. Tonight I was a vampire myself. In Devil Town.

Devil Town. I wish they could have seen your face. Because your face didn't end the word town either. It was beautiful. If someone had said, hey, have you heard this new Tom Waits song? And please play that. I'm punchy tonight, man. Oh, I love it.

It was a good day, but it was a long day. Coach Eric Taylor. Yeah, yeah. Coach Eric Taylor. Yeah. Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights. Beautiful. First pick.

Sugar Shane Torres. Well, I'm being forced to go in a different direction now. I'm going to take Walter White from Breaking Bad. Oh, man. Yeah. Okay. He's on my list. I got a bunch of reasons, but what about it?

Because you took Eric Taylor. No. Mostly because I would kill you for taking Eric Taylor. Taylor. No. Mostly because I would have him kill you for protecting Eric Taylor. I identify with him just being a driven maniac and

saying he's doing it for his family when it's all about him. It's great. He's just a monster. If you need somebody to protect your house, I will take Walter White over Eric Taylor. Started for his family. That's not wrong he did start remember and i'm not gonna recap the whole fucking final

episode no start at the beginning and do every episode until the end we were at uh we were at ground control one night laura and to her it was like three weeks after the season finale of breaking bad but so we're talking to shane and we didn't say we're about to go watch the very last episode of Breaking Bad, and then I don't know what they got talking about, but Shane was like, well, that's like not knowing the **** at the end of Breaking Bad. Whoa! You just did it again, I assume.

Everyone's seen it. I guess the embargo's up at this point. Yeah, that's a season off the show. Should we have Marissa? Should you bleep that anyway? Bleep it anyway, Marissa. Just bleep the part where it says the Breaking Bad movie's coming out, too.

Yeah, that's true, but we're not in the spoiling business. No, all right. Well, Shane ruined Breaking Bad for my queen. I love that he's ruthless. He's brilliant. He sounds ruthless. Those are very paternal qualities.

Yeah, really. Values the book, and he never forgets any of his grievances, which I really like that he's always carrying a fucking charge. You just want your dad to buy you a PT Cruiser. Huh?

Remember when he gets flamed at PT Cruiser? More spoilers. My dad gave me a car for $100 that didn't have reverse because there's no going back just like Mario brother dude that's why you can't go backwards

you save up and you earn it get a job and you earn reverse but I'm not going backwards as he moved into his studio apartment Get a job and you earn reverse, bud. Give a man a fish. Look at me. I'm not going backwards. Yeah. As he moved into his studio apartment. My first car didn't even drive.

You're taking a meth-dealing... Cancer-ridden. Cancer-ridden murderer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So...

All right, David Borey. Apparently, you guys are going in Different directions I picked Eric Taylor I'm picking Phillip Banks I'm picking Uncle Phil Yeah, I mean it's fucking Uncle Phil How come he don't want me, man He took this kid into his home

Upwardly socially mobile Black guy Fucking did it big, never forgot where he came from He was such a good man Ah, man socially mobile black guy. Fucking did it big. Never forgot where he came from. That will never make me cry. He was such a good man. Oh, man. He was fantastic. A big, too.

Yeah, big dude holding it down. He could dance, though. He could dance. Yeah, man. He was in love with his wife. He loved his wife. Both of them. Both Vibs.

Both of them. But yeah, whatever happened to the first one, I'm not judging, man. The heart wants what it wants. Him and his wife would pull up wearing matching sweatsuits and shit. I love that. I love how he handled all the kids differently because they needed to be handled differently. Yeah, because they needed to be handled differently because he was a good father.

Yeah, he didn't care that Carlton was a fucking nerd. Yeah, he was glad. And he was a little suck up, so he was like, you know. He was like, yeah, that's what you do, Carlton. And he had to be tough with Will because Will was tough and ashley yeah she raised herself whatever uh hillary he just treated hillary as such like yeah the oldest you're fine he was glad when she got trevor he was like yeah that's like good for you yeah then trevor died like you know how hillary was like kind of like dumb and spoiled stevie yeah yeah i bet like i like how he kind of fixed

it the further down the line he got. He was like, well, I didn't have anything, so I'm going to let my first child be spoiled. And then he was like, this maybe isn't the best idea. What does she do, get into PR or something? She's a weather girl.

Alright, yeah. It works. They all did alright in the world, man world What did Will end up doing? We worked at a car dealership for a little bit Yeah I can't remember I don't know what happened At the end the house was just empty And they never tell us

They all moved out And I think Nikki And Aunt Viv And Uncle Phil And maybe Ashley, we're going to live together. Well, cause Ashley was still actually,

actually went to college though. Remember? No, no, she did. I wouldn't mind a full fresh Prince rewatch. That'd be fun. I got to do it.

I want to do it again. But yeah, uncle Phil, man, just, and that, how come we don't want me seeing, Oh my God.

It's good. Yeah. That'll never not. It's never like, I don't really even like talking about it too much. And in this fucking room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well. We're out here trying to prove a lot of shit. Did our subconscious write that scene? Jesus Christ. That's too fucking hard to see why it's hitting in this room. It's also good.

I love how he was just massive. He was like not, he was huge, but he didn't like fat, which I really, but like. He seemed strong. He seemed strong. I like that. I like that. He had the sense of the world. Yeah.

Like you'd think he was like. Handsome fats, yeah. You would think he was like a bougie lawyer. And then it was like Jeffrey breakout Lucille. And you're like, oh shit, this dude was pool shark. Yeah. Yeah. When he goes to the pool hall and like bails him out.

And you're like, oh, he's been out. He was out the house for a while. He was moving around. He wasn't born a fucking judge. He had to fucking pull himself up. Uncle Phil was active. Yep. He could beat your ass for sure.

Yeah. And he was like, he was like super like he, like they alluded to like he was big in the civil rights movement. He'll beat your ass, but he'll leave your lunch for you. Yeah. He would have taught you all the shit You needed to know man he would have set you up So yeah Uncle Phil

Of course that show man So that's one of the shows that I was into when I was a kid That still holds up another show I was into Saved by the Bell is like the worst show you could watch He was a shredder It's terrible He was the shredder Get the fuck out of town

Shredder was another one on my list dude amazing dads he was a father to the foot he raised the foot clan dude i've raised him up out of nothing no i didn't god dang that's dope time for my first pick already dude yeah well it's not even an hour yet oh my god uh with my first pick i'm going to take probably the tv father that I love the most. He's a affable idiot, but his heart's in the right place. He's not going to do anything for his family. I'm taking Homer J. Simpson. Of course he is. I don't know if he loves the boy that much.

No, well, he does love the boy. I'm kidding. The boy does need to be strangled from time to time. Hey, sometimes you got to choke the boy. You got to choke the boy. I love a guy who's batting way out of his league with his wife too. Oh, man. You mean American television?

I was going to say. That was going to come up at some point. Every Kevin James role. Yeah. It is insane how Buck some of those relate. But also, it's not. It's not insane. I'm a funny, fat, charming guy who bats way out of his league. I think that

you are better than Homer Simpson. I don't like to say that straight up all the time. I don't want to blame you in some trouble. I don't want to say someone is better than someone else. I think you're better than Homer Simpson. I guess I have more things going for me.

Because he's real dumb. Yeah, he's dumb. He can't help it, but he's dumb as hell. He's dumb as hell, but his heart is so big. Like I love how much he like loves Lisa and tries to like understand and like do stuff with Lisa and the Saints go over there. That's like the perfect when the Saints go over

there. Yeah. Like in the episode where, like, you know, where she meets Paul McCartney and, like, she's trying to get him to go vegetarian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he, like, does it with her, you know? I love he's inspired by, like, just emotion most of the time. Yeah.

Yeah, like, he only feels and he doesn't think critically. Like, it's all, like. He's driven by id, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Sometimes you got to do that. What are the three? It's id. What is it? Ego, superego what are the three it's id what is it

there's ego super ego and nancy yeah now i was talking to dj a lot about that when i was back in sioux falls about the three things that drive you or whatever and it's just wild to hear you say that you know freud speculates as our three parts of every personality the ego the super ego are you doing the song again what What's going on? You know who I like more than Freud is his nephew. Who's that? That Eddie Bernays guy. Who's Eddie Bernays? We'll get into it after the part.

Cool. I like that. Did he invent the sauce? I wish. Do I have the sauce? A lot of people would say that I invented the sauce. You didn't invent the sauce. I was going to say that, yeah. At least I'm the didn't invent the sauce. I was going to say that, yeah.

At least I'm the one who got it dripping. I was going to say that like tomorrow, but yeah. Got it dripping, cooking, flipping, looking. Yeah, Homer J. said, there's that episode. What's the J stand for? It doesn't stand for anything. Oh, yeah, J-A-Y, right? Oh, really?

Yeah, they do a whole episode about it. Yeah, he's just great. I just love just love i mean he like clearly loves his family even when he's tempted you know yeah he hates his job but he goes to work every day do it for her that whole like you're like you're here forever when he quits but then goes back and they put up that sign that says like you're here forever or something like that and he covers it with pictures of maggie it says do it for her. That's sweet. The fact that he's named after a great thinker and it's not one is the funniest joke to me.

It's very funny. It's a weird thing that I like about him that he goes out because he loves to go have some drinks but he doesn't do anything other than go have some drinks with his friends and then come back home. He might be a little reckless, but he's not a scumbag.

He's not out doing wild shit. That country music lady tried to seduce him and he was like, no way, man. No, he don't lie about it. Just so I don't have to wonder about it. You would have gone all the way with me, right? Yeah. I love that he asked just to get it checked off.

He's still a man, Shane. Yeah. Yeah, I do. That's a weird thing to admire about somebody, but just the like, go out, cut loose. You do work at a nuclear power plant, so, you know, chill out a little bit, and then go home.

It's fine. And he could sing. And a hush fell over the room. Yeah, he won a Grammy. Yeah. With my second pick oh fuck all right i'm already this uh troubled okay i'm gonna take a uh just because like i have a loud scheming jewish father myself oh no wait wait that would make that would make you Jewish.

Oh yeah, 100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything. Yeah. I'll buy it. I'm going to take, we've been talking about him a lot. I'm going to take fucking Frank Costanza. Damn. I love him. I thought I'd get him a little bit later.

I love his passion. He's like, that dude's a firecracker. He's a firecracker. And he loves his wife. When he thought Kramer stopped short. Oh, yeah. He was ready to get it. He was like, what's up, man?

He was ready to burst in there with a head full of steam. Yeah, man. We watched A Grip of Seinfeld the other night. And I was, I really thought I could get that like third pick. No way. Even as a kid, he was my favorite part of that show. Him and George, yeah. Their relationship, just

the whole... And just like Jerry Stiller is so fucking funny, man. Oh my god. The whole like the bro episode. I love all his schemes with Kramer. Yeah. What a hilarious friend he found.

Him and Kramer meet up and talk about shit. George doesn't even know about it. Can you imagine if I was just hanging out with Ivan and you're like, what? I could 100% see that being the case. I could see him being instigating. When we were in Portland... You know what you ought to do.

He'd have Sean on the stock market by the end of dinner. We were in Portland. Funches was doing Revolution Hall. Shane and I guested on it. And Shane, Nicholas Dampay, not in the house, not on mic. We were having some French fries, some chicken wings, and a couple of beers.

After the show or before? Before the show, next door. Yeah, that's a pre-show meal. Yeah. I got a carb load. And I got a text from my dad who's like, first of all, I didn't even know he was coming to the show. And earlier that day, he called me.

He was like, put me on that list. It's not my show. It's not my show. I can't do that anymore. Ron White's in town. Put me on that list. Yes, he will. I love that your dad's like a man about town, like, I'm coming out tonight.

He just wants to be on the list. If I could put him on the list and he would, I'm like, throw $50 in the garbage and I will. And he would because he just likes being on lists. It's so funny because in the photo, in the green room, it's everybody who was on the show and ivan's just in it yeah and blair kind of did this thing for a second which was like well you guys are all from here do you want to take the photo yeah together and they were like i was like yeah all of us men no not another men thing but like all of us, all of us, you know, we all came up together. We're up in here.

Yeah, it's so fun. That's rad. So anyway, I get a text message from him. He's like, I'm at the venue. I'm like, okay, we'll be over in like five minutes. Just wait. And we were a five-minute walk away. We were a five-minute walk away.

So we wrap up, we get over there. It maybe takes eight minutes. We get there. He's in the green room holding court in funches his green room and ron is you know he's a very nice guy but he's a particular guy yeah and mellow and mellow yeah was ron in there yet oh yeah ron gabe blair everybody was in there and ivan ivan took the first slice of pizza. He did. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge. He makes Frank Costanza moves. That is a Frank Costanza move.

Yeah. Oh, that made me caught. That made me. That's beautiful. I don't even know if you're dead. It stayed for the show. No, no. He did.

He did. He likes. He did what he needed to do. He enjoyed it, but yeah. Really made my angina kick up. Yeah. You got to manage that. The man is there for the green room.

Anyway, so we don't need to talk about Frank Costanza. Watch fucking Seinfeld if you haven't. That was funny. David, time for your second pick. This was going to be my first pick, but I was really worried about getting Uncle Phil. Yeah. But this is, man, this man affects how I view the world now. Arlen, Texas' own Hank Hill hank hill man oh that's so good

damn it fucking yo i i mean i could go into you know that was my second pick all day you know that that was like yo because the man is like he's ridiculous right like? Like, he loves Ronald Reagan. Yeah. Like, he has all these qualities that I don't know. Or he loves all these things that I don't love at all. But at the end of the day, he's, like, a man who believes in working hard and taking care of his family and his friends. And that's the whole point. In the show, he's constantly butt up to things that make him uncomfortable. the whole point in the show he's constantly butt up to things that make him uncomfortable and that's what i love about hank is he's malleable that in that way where it's like

all right yeah i'm i pay my taxes on time and i've never missed a bill yeah if i have to i'm gonna pretend to be a pimp and run off this guy for this woman that i barely know because that's what's right to do yeah you know what i mean There's an amount of growth in him in a lot of episodes. He grows so much and it's because he's like, he made himself that person. He's the victim of child abuse. The way he grew up, he was an abused child. Cotton is horrendous.

So he saw the world, which was like Ronald Reagan's what the world was and he made that for himself. I think that's commendable he has a rock solid moral compass so he can go into any situation you do not get a better moral compass

as long as he's got his compass he can thrive in any situation and that show is 12 seasons of just throwing different situations at him just throwing all kinds of weird shit and he handles it and he's like he has a very narrow urethra He has a very narrow urethra. He has a very narrow urethra,

and he's got his miracle baby who loves comedy, but fuck it. He has nothing in common with his son, but he never stops trying to know. And he loves his son so much. My son is on a team, not a squad, a team.

A team. You hear that, Bobby? You're part of the system. Bobby, you're on a team. But even when Bobby's on a team and then some shit, like when he was on the track team and he found out that they were using Bobby as the stick, then he was like, fuck that. You need to quit that team.

I don't know, man. Hank Hill. Hank Hill, to quote him, he said, before anything else i'm a father yeah like he's like just the most solid like yeah when he when he shakes your hand it stays shook yeah i'll tell you that i too love the episode do is get it there all trucking news get it there all truck do. In the episode where he finds out that he was born in New York. Oh, my God. He goes, anybody could be my dad. Even Tom Landry. I wonder if I would call him dad or coach.

He goes, sir. Oh, who am I kidding? I'd call him sir. He's like, I wonder if I'd call him dad or coach. What a perfect joke. My judge knows what he is doing. Oh, my God. Oh, he's the GOAT.

He doesn't have a mission. He's the GOAT. But yeah, Hank Hill, man, that guy really truly has affected the way I see the world now. That's a great pick. Like I care about him. Yeah. Yeah, that was...

I mean, that was easily my second pick. I'll say your picks rhyme so far, and if you want to keep that going, I'm just letting you know. Don't put that on me. There are a few more I can come to the head. Don't put that on me. Shane, it's time to hear what your first pick is. I, for my second pick.

Second pick. Oh, get him, dude. I will take, I got it right here. Just want to make sure. Bet you do. Shane just brought in a beautiful Lisa Frank notebook.

It's gorgeous. He's flipping through the pages. I am taking. I see you thumb through those. He's thumbing through them. Yeah, yeah. The air is perfumed. I am taking Gomez Adams.

Oh! I had him on my list. I had him on my list! I had him on my fucking list! That's a good-ass pick. I love that. That's a good-ass pick. He is all about his wife. That was going to be my dark horse, dude.

I thought that was going to be good on you. Oh, my God. I want to be Gomez Adams. Oh! You already got that. When you have the mustache out... It's a perfect dad to raise a couple little weirdos. That's what I was thinking.

And he is just in love with his wife the whole time, which is always... Oh, he loves her. I never saw my parents in love, so that was like a foreign concept to me. Gomez, dude. And he's a grown-ass man. Like, if you want a sword fight,

Gomez will sword fight. He'll fucking sword fight. He'll protect them. He takes care of his brother. Yeah. His brother who was, something happened in that terrible accident, I assume.

I don't know what happened. And so far, I've only picked people, fathers who have, I'm pretty sure have killed people. Yes. That is, yes,

that's true. Yeah. Yeah. So, I just want somebody who's not afraid to get it. Gomez killing some people for sure. Yeah. I love that they're also like the family,

like they host all the big family, you know what I mean? They have parties. They're the hub of their weirdo family. They're the hub. They're the ones who are doing good. Yeah. No, yeah.

That's a great. Treats Lurch like a real, talks to his servants with respect. Yeah. Yeah. No, Gomez, that's like such a good pick. Yeah.

I didn't even, didn't even think about it. That's fantastic. I didn't either. I hate that I didn't. I thought I was going to get that like fifth. That would have been spicy. Where's a suit around the house?

Yeah. I know. What's your preferred? Did you watch the show, or are you a Raul Julia guy? I mean, I got a Raul Julia more for sure. Yeah, but like, I mean, he's Raul Julia looks like, uh, yeah, it looks like, uh, the actor who played, I can't remember his name. If you prefer, who would play Gomez Adams right now?

If they rebooted Fred Armisen and Lord knows their thing. Oh, I thought it was Benicio del Toro. It's gotta be more handsome than Fred Armisen. All right. No shade on Fred Armisen. I feel like he's maybe, maybe not. He's pretty handsome. You know who could do it is Rami Malek.

Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. You think he's just a little too on the young side with it? How about this? I think they would hit him with the makeup a little bit. How about this? Oscar Isaac? Could he do it? He could do it. I don't know if he's funny. He's a little serious.

I feel like the adventures of young Gomez Adams starring Rami Malek. I think he would nail it, man. That is going to look weird. I'd watch that movie the whole time being like, I wonder how they shot that. But he's still wearing his Freddie Mercury teeth. And he has just like that weird laugh.

If you think. The face you're doing again i know you guys i know you can't see it but picture it it's it's tight it's it's it's perfect picture the funniest thing that show which one mr robot yeah like oh yeah yeah mr did you say mr robot i don't know i was like a rami malik on the brain i just say it's incredible they wrote a a ghoulie show in that time period. Yeah, a time where everything was so conservative and they had a family of freaks.

They just had a fucking character that was just a big mop of hair. Like me. That's a great pick, man. That is. It really is. Sean, time for your second and third picks as it is. A Serpentine Trap. It is. Second pick, I'm going in the

funny and super in love with his wife pick, and it's going to be Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. I think he's a fantastic dad. Yeah, he's a sweetheart. He always tells her how pretty she is, which I really, really like. I like doing that.

Just a compliment machine. I really think it's fun. And he loves every single part of his family. T he loves, yeah, he just loves every single part of his family. Tries to be funny, holding on to his youth, which I really like to do. Like he does magic and shit. I mean, I still skateboard, so it's like,

you know, it's just that. Sean, you need to come to terms with it. Yeah, no, I did. Old people skateboard now. I'm not old. Like Beto. Yeah. No, that, say it again. Beto skateboards. Beto O'Rourke. I don not old. Like Beto. Yeah. No. Say it again.

Beto Skateboards. Beto O'Rourke. I don't know who that is. What? Really? That's okay. Is this weird? No. I think a lot of people might forget who he is. Who do you think he is? Let's guess. Throw it out there. Judging by the name.

This is the fucking most Sean thing. A boxer? A boxer. That's a great guess with that name, Ben O'Rourke. Give it one more guess. A physicist. You think Shane brought up a physicist? Oh! Name three physicists off the top of your head. You think Shane brought up a skateboarding

physicist? Albert Einstein. Charlie X Games. Charlie X Games. And Peter Dutour. And Sir Dingo Ape, my baby. Peter Dutour. Beto O'Rourke is a

congressman from Texas. Former. Former congressman from Texas. House representative. He's running for president. Oh, yeah. He ran against Ted Cruz. Should know.

Yeah. He should know. Is he a former? Is he still in Congress? No, I don't think he can run for a, you can't run for another, another seat, another public elected office and keep your seat if you lose. I learned that on Veep two nights ago. Which is also a great show.

I'm getting through it. I like it. All right, Sean. I'll name another presidential candidate in a little bit tie it that'll be fun that'll be a real good time so yeah I just think I can't yeah

I think it's a really good a good fun family situation and also I never really had the sit down at dinner kind of family situation so I don't know how many times we did that in my family but it wasn't a bunch. I'm going to try to pull it like once every few months. Like, hey, dinner at six. And I'm like,

yeah. It's Smith's birthday. I'll put it in the fridge. I'll get it when I get home. We actually did it a lot because it was just me and my mom. We never. That's great. What? Dinner on the table? Yeah. We did dinner on the table. Sue Carmel was texting me. Yeah. Almost every day we did dinner on the table. That's great. What? Dinner on the table? Yeah. We did dinner on the table. Sue Carmel was texting me.

Yeah. Almost every day we did dinner on the table. Really? That's great. We had no TV rules, although sometimes it was on. Yeah. If there was like sports or if my mom wanted to watch a surgery show. For dinner? Yeah. And I would get so upset. Do you remember when TLC

that's what they did? it was just all surgery shows trauma in the ER yeah trauma yeah she's a nurse you know what I mean for her it's like you know you're like I'm trying to eat this gabagool my mom would always be leaving the house at 6

she was a night nurse my mom would always be leaving at like 6 o'clock to go to work. Yeah. We would eat before that sometimes. Yeah. That's a weird time to like eat dinner. Like five. Yeah. Like an hour after like when the news is on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We would though.

It's fun. It's great. I recommend it. Yeah. My family will do that if it ever happens. For sure. Phil Dunphy. I forget the actor's name, but he went to the University of Oregon, bro. Ty Burrell. Ty Burrell. Yeah, Ty Burrell.

Yeah, he's an Oregonian. A great Oregonian. Yeah, they all are. Oregonians rule. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Yep. There it is.

Sure. Third pick? Make the earth sick. Randy Marsh from South Park. Oh, really? I love him. That is a fun dad to have. He, again, he's not a bad dad.

He is as close as you can get without being a bad dad. And it would be, because he never did anything bad to Kyle. Never hit him or anything. He would get drunk and try to fight at the baseball game. And took his family on like a cross country trip to find I love that that's not a bad dad. Not to me. This is a dad where you grow up and you're

like, I got some stories about my dad. He has calmed the fuck down. He does love me though. He does love me. He's still married. So it's like if I could take all the kind of fun stuff out of my dad and leave all the terrible stuff with him. Stan! Stan!

Or yeah, why did I say Kyle? Yeah, Stan's dad. Anyway, yeah. He just seems like he'd be such a fun... When he got into cooking, all it took was a little hand job. You want to go cook?

Oh no, that's stupid. I'm going to go to bed. You want any money? Just took him a little hand job just to get out of his cooking dreams I think he would be a very fun very fun entertaining dad especially when you think about like Stan grows up

and is ready to like have his first beer what better dad to have it with than Randy Mars Yeah I think Randy Mars should be a very very fun dad have it with than Randy Marsh. And the one who's already been drinking them. Yeah, I think Randy Marsh should be a very, very fun dad. How about fucking South Park? It's been on since like 95? Before puberty.

Yeah, before puberty. I had posters in my childhood bedroom. I had a regular South Park with a cast and the one that said, please excuse Kenny, he has explosive diarrhea. I had a Joker poster when I was in college. Neither of those are a big deal. So yeah, I get exactly what you're saying.

I snuck out and watched it in front of the TV with the sound all the way down. Because remember, it came on at like 11 or something. Well, it also had to be in Safe Harbor or whatever. I wasn't allowed to watch it. I was like that and then Insomniac would be on. I remember we didn't have Comedy Central in like you couldn't get it yet

it didn't come with our cable package oh in Texas like in the like whatever cable company was in our area didn't have it in their package yet and the t-shirts for South Park showed up at stores before anybody

could actually watch it. People were like, what is this fucking show? Mr. Doody or Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey, yeah. Yeah, I think Stan Marsh. He seems like a very fun dad.

Working class. Blue collar. I love it. Doesn't he give himself ball cancer so he can get medical marijuana too? And he's bouncing around. He does a lot of things. He's bouncing around

on his nutsack all over town. That show's longevity is fucking insane. They just had one of their best seasons a couple years ago. Oh dude, the season with PC Principal was fucking crazy. Yeah. But when you think about him bouncing around on his elephant Titus, they put veins on

his scrotum. Only they would be like, well, let's put as many veins as we can on there. Yeah, let's see how many standards and practices, how many veins will I get away with? Big, veiny nutsack. And then some people had to have a meeting like, okay, well, everything's good. We can only have three veins on the scrotum.

Oh, come on. Come on, four veins. Well, there's 16 on there, so. Okay, it's 10. 10 veins. Four works. Four works just fine. Eight veins.

Eight veins. And we'll make the dick hole smaller. And we can do the whole hand job. Yeah. That's what those meetings are like. I bet. I was in a, I don't know if i could talk i'll tell you guys later all right yeah um but that's what they are like you have to have like woke up their

professionals who went to college conversations yeah the silliest shit yeah and like we like all i'll say is we were like doing shows in london and they have different libel laws there so there was somebody from the network like walking us through this. And it was like, you can't say that. It was like crazy. What if we say it like this? So you had to really like find a kind of like change your rhythm for it. Yeah. Well, just on certain things.

But yeah, it's fucking wild. Excellent pick. Shane. For my third pick. Chained. Chained. Oh, great. Staying in the theme of fathers who have killed someone.

Is that really what you're doing? I love it. I think that's just naturally what he was drawn to. I love it. I'm picking Sergeant Terry Jeffords from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Whoa. Okay. Who's that? I don't even know.

It's Terry Crews' character. Oh, okay. If I'm being honest, and I've never seen an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It. Okay. Who's that? I don't even know. It's Terry Cruz's character. If I'm being honest, and I've never seen an episode of Brooklyn 99. It is fantastic. It's really funny, man. It's so funny. Of course. I'm just saying he's been a Brooklyn police sergeant. He's probably shot somebody in the line of duty. Yeah. I'm acting on

assumption at this point, but he loves his daughters. He plays a mentor. He's a father in the department. He plays a mentor to everybody who's underneath him and tries really hard. And his obsession with yogurt is the funniest thing. He just loves yogurt? Yeah, he's just like

because he's like, they talk about how big they're constantly making jokes about how big and swole he is on the show. So that's like his favorite snack. And it's so goddamn funny. To Greek yogurt or what? Yeah.

Well, he was always just like somebody. It's always just dumb jokes about his yogurt. And everybody is like. Can we go back about. I'm good, Sean. I don't need a drink. Thanks for filling up, dude. Can we go back about 10 seconds to. You said he was all swole up.

Yeah. Swoleena Gomez, dude. All right. I'll go get you a drink. Yeah. You wrote that in the kitchen. Seanalina Gomez, dude. All right, I'll go get you a drink. Yeah. You wrote that in the kitchen? Sean's gone now, guys. That's some of his best stuff. Swalina Gomez.

He sat down and asked if we could rewind the track for that. Yeah. Wait, take it back, take it back, take it back. Run it back, run it back, run it back. Run it back. Like on a freestyle when somebody feels like they really nailed a great one oh yeah yeah you don't rap songs when they said the bees eat church knees or whatever they said wait bring that shit back bring that shit back that's my favorite freestyle i've seen so many freestyle unless i get it and they'll be like get it yeah

i'll keep my digits in the laundry or whatever this is. I watch a lot of freestyle rap. I keep the money in the washing machine. That's why they call it dirty laundry. Get it? That's why they call it dirty laundry. Yeah, it's like a simile. It's like a one. Like or as.

It's not fucking. I guess that's why they call it windowpane. You know what I mean? Oh, boy. Guess that's why they call it windowpane. Maybe go get another drink. Let us finish this up. We could skip over the rest of it.

It makes me long for the days of Swalina Gomez. That's pretty funny. Did you think of that? Where'd that come from? That's a pretty funny joke. Who brought that up? Did you think of that? Swalina Gomez?

I would never think of a joke that stupid. Well, that's probably why I do TV, and I don't. I don't need to. I'm happy in my own mind. You know what I've been wondering? It's a personal decision. Why? And entertain this thought

even though we'll never get a satisfactory answer, but why do everything bagels No, hold on, hold on. I don't know why everybody started laughing. Don't do it because that's going to be on TV. Cost as much

as every other kind of bagel. They have everything on them. They should cost more. This is not even close. Was that really going to be on TV? I'll flip. Is this table bolted? Did you bolt this table down yet?

Yeah. All right. You know what's not going to be on TV with that attitude? Me. I don't know why you hate it so Yeah. I guess I won't put the table over. You don't want to be on TV with that attitude. I'm just kidding. I don't know why you hate it so much. I don't hate it. There's a lot of things that aren't funny that I don't hate.

Oh, Swalina Gomez. You shut the fuck up. That's funnier every time you say it. You're going to have people telling you Swalina Gomez was funny by people on Twitter whose screen name is Swalina Gomez. I'm just letting you know that right now. Whatever fucking nerd.

They just love him. They just love Sean. Jay-Z's put out bad songs that I ride for. Put out bad albums. He's put out questionable business practices that I'm not sure I see the full scope of yet, but maybe it's a bigger plan. Everything happens because of you.

I don't think it's been perfect. So have for us. Yeah, man. Swalina Gomez. Sorry, Jerry Jeffords. That's my turn.

It is. I, this is a tough one because I got a lot of, I got a lot of really good utility players that I think I can get late. So I'm a couple of heavy hitters. I got a couple of heavy hitters. I'm going with so i'm a couple heavy hitters i got a couple heavy hitters i'm going with a guy who's a heavy hitter but i don't think people knew he was a heavy hitter until you start looking at the stats on paper yeah i'm going from rate for ray campbell from sister sister oh ray so he was tamara's dad he found out that she had a twin sister he moved her and her mom in who he was in no way

romantically involved because he was he lived in a better neighborhood with a better house so the twins could go to better schools together that is that's a good man that's a good man that's a good man he never like he never made them feel like less than for living in his house. And Jackie Harry, Lisa, Lisa Landry, she was often being like, Ray, you got to sit here. And he was like, we're a family. But they weren't together. I think they got together towards the end, but whatever.

You're living in a house. It's going to happen. You guys are both beautiful. Yeah. What? That's great. Yeah. No, I'm like, I never really watched that show,

but that's like a very progressive move on it. I never really did either. Yeah. So how, what? Were they the biological parents or did they adopt? They're both adopted. Okay, yeah, yeah. And they were shopping at the mall one day and they met each other. Oh.

Yeah. It's like three identical strangers. Yeah, yeah. And then it was like, okay, well, Ray's got this big house and he's got space and he's got a great place. You guys come and like, okay, well, Ray's got this big house, and he's got space, and he's got a great place. You guys come, and like he fresh-printed them. Wow. Yeah, and it was so cute because Tia was more like Ray,

and Tamara was more like Lisa, which was always the funny, like, the daughter that he adopted was less like him. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just like, I remember watching that, and you just like, you're like, yeah, that's adopted was less like him. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just like, I remember watching that, and you're like, yeah, that's a good man. Yeah. That was good of him.

Of course. You know what I mean? He took the burden on. Yeah. And he never complained about it. Yeah, he took it. Stepped up. Took some extra, just some responsibility.

Yeah, man. He was 10 toes down. And adopted a kid in the first place. And adopted a kid in the first place. And adopted a kid in the first place. Yeah, and then she came out, come to find out she has another, like, that's not your responsibility. Or you could have left her living across town and whatever. Right, like you guys can hang out, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can come through and she can see, yeah. So, yeah, Ray Campbell from Sister Sister. That's a great pick. That's a real pick, too. Yeah, that's, no, I Yeah, all my picks, I believe. Never murdered anyone, huh? Maybe he's trying to make up for something. By the time my dad brought me a new bike.

I don't know what's going on over on that side of the room. We're having our own thing. You guys are in an interesting mood. Her boys are in an interesting mood. Her boys are in an interesting mood and the whiskey's pouring like a waterfall. Yeah, don't worry. Shane will pick up a new bottle of vodka. Man, how come you've never done this Bruce Willis thing?

Bruce Willis? I do that all the time, too. Do Bruce Willis doing Bruce Springsteen? Because Bruce Willis looks like he would sing like Bruce Springsteen. He for sure does. Well, he is like a harmonica player or something. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. He had a band. Bruce Willis? Oh,

Bruno. Is that the band? That was his name when he was singing, right? That's right, yeah. It was like Bruno Sings the Blues. He was wearing a vest is what I remember. Yeah, he for sure was. He was wearing a vest. He's made some weird moves in his tenure as a famous person. Yeah, remember that movie where you get to see his ding dong? Color of Night. i remember what color it is vividly color of a baby peach

i remember it this is how well i remember it as if somebody taped the sex scenes and then put them in my dcr did you have a friend who also had a i had a buddy who had that shit on a boner mixtape too. I was the friend. You know what's crazy is when you listen to this. You little bastard. You know when you watch TV shows about the early days of hip hop and it was like yeah, we used to listen to Stretcher Bobbito but I would record it because

once you play, that was it. That's our generation with wild things. For us, it was like wild things and HBO porn and shit. It's like, yo, when Red Shoe Diaries would come on. Real sex freaked me out. I hated it. It was the worst. It was real sex. I've said that this is like a joke

I've tried to do before, but it was like the Black Diamond of Jacking Off. You really had to just be in the zone. It would be like two Jewish therapists painting each other's naked, hairy bodies and you'd have to just be like in the zone. Yeah. Because it would be like two Jewish therapists painting each other's naked, hairy bodies. And you'd have to be like, all right, I see some boobs. I guess I can jack off to that.

And then you knew a kid who was really weird and had taxicab confessions. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you could never. It was really hard to jack off to that. It was weird because you just hear like leather moving around and you're like, I don't want to beat off to the sound of leather moving.

You would hear a meter clicking up. There's also really grown-up themes yeah you know it was like watching a taxicab's confessions where they were talking about choking and i was like i didn't i just i didn't i was like i didn't get it i was like what yeah and you're like this isn't soft horn like a little too voyeuristic too like It was like found footage. They didn't know that you were watching it. But they knew. They had an idea. Whatever you got to tell yourself, Carmel. Whatever you got to tell yourself, Carmel.

Ray Campbell from Sister to Sister. That's a great pick. My third pick. With my third pick, I'm going to take somebody who's also killed some people. Oh, really? Can I? No, you can't guess.

I better know what it is. You're taking Tony Soprano. Yeah. What are you talking about? He's never killed anyone. Who have you been talking to? What exactly are their names? Who have you been talking to?

He strangled a man on his daughter's college recruiting trip. Yes, he did. Didn't man on his daughter's college recruiting trip. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. So buck. Yeah. Didn't he have his daughter's back too? Like, somebody was fucking with Meadow and like that one dude? Oh, Jackie Jr. was a prick.

Yeah. And then he saw him in a strip joint. And then Tony slaps him around. He's like, this is the kind of respect you show my daughter? Yeah. And then. Breathing all high through his nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And then he just fucking, well, he fucking kills Jackie Jr. I saw... Who saw that going a weird way for the mob? Everyone out there listening, you didn't get to see Shane go through that journey real quick in his eyes. It was beautiful. Yeah. He's squinting.

He goes, I guess he kills Jack. Well, you know what? God damn it. Yeah. Fucking DiCaprio. I got to spell it out for you idiots. On the mob show, the guy kills a guy who disrespects his daughter. Yes, he does.

That's a good dad. It's not, but it is. You know what I mean? Like the energy's there. In the fictional television world. He's working on himself in therapy. You know, he didn't have to do that. He likes to hit the strip club a little bit.

Cheats on his wife. Incessantly. Incessantly. Can't stop. He kind of loves it. You feel like he's more addicted to cheating on her than he is to sleeping with women. Oh, yeah, for sure. He's just trying to get it.

How crazy. I love the way he just tells Dr. Melf yeah yeah he's just trying to get it how crazy yeah i love like i love the way he just tells dr melfi that he's in love with her like yeah it's just nuts like i will love you yeah you know just tell me you don't like the cut of my jaw yeah uh i just it's just like a very i don't know like there are other I don't want to mention them but other like complicated men you know like bad guy character fathers Walter White was what you know that's a great example and like Walter White he like

loved it like even though it was kind of he did love his family you know yeah no he cares about him he's just still very very selfish yeah like but he's also a father to everyone in the mob. You know? Yeah.

Taking care of all of them. Yeah, he's got a serious job. Yeah. He's got... It's like... I feel like being a mobster is the same as like... Same amount of stress as being like a CEO. Yeah, I think so.

Oh, yeah. He's the CEO of a small corporation. Yeah, like it's like maybe you don't have billions on the lines, but like you could go to prison. Billions. You don't have billions. Billions. Yeah, he's very calculating on the lines, but you could go to prison. Billions. You don't have billions. Billions. Billions.

Yeah, he's very calculating on the show with everything. And he doesn't like that job that much, which was so not, you know what I mean? Yeah. He's ruthless. He's not fulfilled. It's like any other job. He's also kind of got the game beat. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, where he's like, so I'm the boss now. Yeah. Like maybe one day I could have been a painter. Yeah. Yeah. There's a little thought of it. Yeah. So that's like, so I'm the boss now. Yeah, like maybe one day I could have been a painter. Yeah, yeah. A little thought of it. Yeah. So that's my third pick.

And then with my fourth pick. Don't you dare. Well, what do you think? Eric Taylor's gone, bud. Anything could happen. I really feel like. I feel like we're out in the weeds now. These last two for everybody.

This is like a no fear shirt. What do you mean? Explain. Yeah, go on. Stumble this one out of your mouth, you fucking idiot. Fourth and two. Fourth and two. Swole Lena Gomez.

I thought we'd roll past it. Fourth and two. Five seconds left. Dougie's having to do a real swole right here. A real swole. I'm going to swole you whole. Fourth and two. I'm going to swallow you whole. Fourth and two. I'm going to take somebody

who is a father, but I I'd hope so. Technically. I like him more for the way he's a father of a community for as much as he's a father of his own young.

I'm going to take Kermit the Frog. Okay. He's a dad? I hope. Yeah, he's got little tadpoles, you know, in certain storylines. I didn't know he ever had any. Yo, he is a dad.

He is a dad. He's the dad of the Muppets. Kermit's a fucking dad. He's the father of the Muppets. He's got that little beer belly, and he's just always dispensing wisdom. He's getting into, like, banjo music, tooling around. Oh, man.

Just chewing straw. Yeah. Yo, solving problems. That's a good call. Solves problems. Loves his chubby wife, you know. He loves his curvy wife. He loves his curvy wife.

Before all you hacks on the internet. Kermit was there first. Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here. I like BBWs. What? Uh. Oh, no. the frog here. I like BBWs. Oh, no. Well, I can't do it at all.

I like the way that thang jiggle. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. We can't both be skinny. Oh, my God. we can't both be skinny oh my god yeah but he's like kind of the dad of the Muppets

you know what I mean he's attached to everything he stays solving problems technically he's like the boss of them sort of I guess but that's not a boss relationship

he's like a good boss he's a good boss but that's like family he loves all of them yeah like a good boss yeah Kermit the Frog But that's like family. He loves all of them. Like a dad should be. Yeah, like a good boss. Yeah, Kermit the Frog, man.

That's solid. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Shane. Fucking prick. I didn't hear a Kermit come out of you, Shane. I was making sure one of my picks was a dad.

Kermit the Frog's a good pick. He's a good pick. I love Kermit. Do a Kermit the Frog impression. That's all I was getting. That's what I was... Give me one more time just so I can check the tone. You want me to do... Give me a Kermit and then...

Oh, hi-ho. Kermit the Frog here. Oh, hey, Piggy. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's no way to talk to... Hey, Piggy. Get over here and do that thing I like. Oh, no. Get over here and do that thing I like. Rub me no. Get over here and do that thing I like. That's not a good...

That's your go-to impression sense? Hey, piggy. Rub me with the back of your hands. Oh, my God. Anytime you do any sort of improv, it gets so dirty. You're cloven hooves. I wish you guys could see his face right now. Get your little spread out.

Give me a hoop job. Give me a hoof. Give me a hoogie. Okay. I want to hooky. Okay. I want to press your nose in. Are you fucking her nose? You can go deeper. Your nose.

I don't know what to do. Hey, piggy. Animal, get out of here. Of course,'s there. Animal's not leaving if he sees that. Who else was going to videotape it? Imagine the smell of a pig and a frog fucking. Because it's not...

Hi. And there are bastard children. A known holy creation before God himself, will be birthed out into a petri dish from piggy's lower mouth. Holy dude. A pig and a frog i came oh my god imagine the smell of a pig and a frog man i didn't think you were gonna do it at all and you really took us for a journey there yeah you made it seem like you didn't want to do it but then you wanted to do it you did want to do that well it's going down huh bud yeah that's

just uh that's from one of from my competitive erotic fan fiction. R.I.P. That show. David, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick is going to be Hal from Malcolm in the Middle. Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. Oh, man.

That was on my. He was just a good dude, man. He like. It was his second appearance, by the way. What? Yeah, Krantz's second appearance. I mean, somebody else might make a second appearance if my list goes the way I think. Fucking, yeah, he was just like, he was just a good dude, man.

He loved his wife. It was so funny because in that show, it was like his wife and his kids were at war. Oh, yeah. And he was just trying to navigate that. Yeah. You know what I mean? They were at war. They were at war. I he was just trying to navigate that yeah you know they were and i remember that because as a kid i was at war for a lot of years that same thing i was at war with my mom like that was like that was our relationship like me and you were like we are fighting a war it's like everything is a little fun so i i totally recognize the relationship

with their mom and then like to have that other guy he was just like come on man can't we just go to the park today yeah i just want to ride the fucking water slides you know that's what i like or whatever they were yeah he's the father of four terrible children terrible like wild but they're not bad kids but they are horrible children meaning like they are not they are wild animals yeah and that's like and that's why i love that show so much is because as a kid i also was a lot like malcolm watching that show just like malcolm was still bad malcolm was bad too though he was easily easily coerced you know he was also he was bad he was as bad as they were but like i remember watching that show and just being like yeah man i also do fucked up stuff for no reason sometimes you know which is probably indicative of some other problem that's happening but like that show is just so good because the kids would

do wild bad shit and the mom would have to go hard on yeah yeah like it's like they weren't learning anything it's like i'm not down for the abuse of prisoners but like sometimes there's drastic measures a little dirty heathen like like, what are you going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, Hal was just, like. If you're going to pop him, you better put some stank on it. Yeah, and Hal was just, like, navigating that whole thing and still a good guy and just trying to be happy. And also gets it all out just by being real sexually active with his wife. He is fucking amazing. Oh, yeah.

That's right. Hal is fucking. They loved it. Which also makes you feel like she was, you know what I mean? Like, you knew at least somebody wasn't going to bed angry on that show. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, she's having a good time too.

Yeah, well, like he loved, like. She had a lot of frustration. There's a couple of really like. They both did. Amazing scenes in that show. One of them was like, when she finds out he never looks at other women In an episode And she goes

Well then that means you love me more Than I love you And he goes yeah I've known that from the moment I saw you Yeah of course He's like you are It's so sweet And that's that character He was always there You don't realize it because the show is so much about wasn't even a big deal to him yeah like and that's that and that's that character is like

he was always there you don't realize it because the show's so much about the kid the kids and the mom and like that war but how's like been like a good through line through that he was like it was like he's in a war zone you know what i mean oh yeah like he's got trauma yeah yeah he's the guy taking the pictures he doesn't have a rifle but he wanted to be there everybody else was there because they had to be there Hal's like the one person in that show who you felt like was there because he wanted to be there he's like other people need to see this yeah

he liked the chaos of the whole family he enjoyed it he embraced it a little bit because it was his family he's just a good dude there's an episode who's Stevie's dad what's his oh

smart brother from undercover yeah yeah but like they're playing poker he's playing poker with Stevie's dad and all of his black friends

and like and he doesn't feel qualified he's the guy who's not a professional yeah he's not an academic at the table and it's this very interesting scene

because like everybody else is black and he's the guy who doesn't have a degree because he's not because he's like kind of And it's this very interesting scene because, like, everybody else is black. And he's the guy who doesn't have a degree. Because he's not. Because he's, like, kind of a dumb. Yeah, he's kind of a dumb guy. But, like, they're all doing, like, this is how much money I make.

But kind of, like, you know, showing their dick a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that was a great episode. Yeah, and then he finally, like, they get to this point where they're, like, how many times, you know, like, are we going to talk about how much we fuck our wives? Yeah. And they're, like, some guy's, like, four, five. And one guy's, like, six. how many times are we going to talk about how much we fuck our wives? And they're like four, five, six and he goes two. And then they're like

a week and he goes a week, 14. Yeah. Yeah, man. They were good. Yeah, that guy. I like that guy a lot, man. Hal. Great pick. True blue. Shane? For my Yeah, man. They were good. Like, yeah, that guy. I like that guy a lot, man. Hal. Hal. Great pick.

True blue. Shane. For my fourth pick, sticking with my murder theme, I'm taking one Naaman Bryce, Wee Bay from The Wire. What? Oh, wild. He fucked a dead girl, Shane. He's such a bad dad. Yeah.

I'm on a team full of what people are going to do to taste to win. Wee Bay? Shane. Are you serious? Shane. I mean, that's fine. That's fine. You picked Wee Bay as a father.

I won't. I won't have the. He had sex with a dead woman. I won't have the worst pick now. They're the worst dress. Well, there's something. That's not how I choose to remember him. That's. If that choose to remember him. That's...

Oh, you choose to remember Weeby taking his kid to the park in The Wire? If you fuck a dead woman, that's what defines you. It doesn't matter if you choose to remember that or not. That's fucked. What are you doing? And I love Weeby.

Can I justify it? Give it a shot. I'd love it if you did. Alright, so, last season, the very last season. Swalina Gomez. The newspapers. Oh, yeah. Get it now? Yeah.

You get it? All right. Because her name is Swalina. His son, Naaman, ends up living with a cop. We have a sworn enemy. The cop comes. A good dad shouldn't have a sworn enemy. I'll tell you that.

Well, none of your dads do you soft pick and fuck. Uh, I can't, I can neither confirm nor deny that. Yeah, I can. I bet my dad has some sworn enemies.

Yeah, for sure. He's put some of them away. My dad had multiple sworn enemies. It's not a good dad. Uh, uh, the guy who plays the cop, who has Weeba's kid, Naaman,

goes to the prison, says, your son's a good kid. I can help him and get him out of the situation. Weeba lets him go live with the cop because his mom is shitty. Yeah, his mom is really bad. She's nice to him when it's easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like, so I just like, I just, and also I just want to stick in my murder theme. So you like it that Wee Bay let his son go away from what? Yeah, yeah, a better life. Because he was so bad, yeah. There's some proximity to it. Because he was the worst. Yo, Wee Bay was with the shit.

It wasn't like Bodhi where you were like, oh, he never did anything wrong. No. Poor Bodhi. Wee Bay was really he never did anything wrong. Poor Bodie. Wee Bay was really a bad guy. Yeah. He liked it. He did.

He loved being a bad guy. I didn't hear my fifth pick. God damn. Not yet. All right. Wee Bay from The Wire. That's it. Wee Bay.

There we go. Wild. Dark. Sean, time for your fourth and fifth picks. Ruthless, that guy. Surly. My fourth pick is going to be... I never really had any discipline,

and I always just kind of wanted someone to get a little mad at me because I got into some shit. Nothing crazy, but I went through my phase. Yeah, they killed a drifter or whatever. I need a dad who can be really, really mean to me. You need a daddy. Yeah, I need a daddy who can be like really, really mean to me. You need a daddy. I need a daddy. I'm going to pick Red Foreman from that 70s show.

Oh! You don't really want to... You're not here for the interacting father-son time. I am in some of those with Phil Dunphy, I am. Okay. Eric Taylor, for sure. Red, you just want him to tell you what to do

I just need to Somebody needs to put you in check sometimes Call you a dumbass Make you sit down Make you go to college The belt is for wearing and whooping Someone needs to make you do this thing When I got caught stealing

It was the only time my stepdad The only time I was ever really punished for anything And he grounded me for like a week And that ended up being like a day and a half. What did you steal? I got caught stealing a fake gun that I was going to try to make look like a real, like a gun. For what? For crippling? For stealing Alonzo Mourning jerseys from the mall?

See, now where do you think that behavior would thrive? Oh, that's a great question. If I had to guess, a ghetto. No, yeah. Like a low-income area. I would think that. From a single-parent home. I'm thinking maybe single-parent, but an area where, like,

a fake gun getting painted, maybe like a white kid? Yeah, seems... I don't know. Maybe like a white kid? Yeah, seems... I don't know. Maybe like a white kid? Seems to track. Poor diet. Maybe more people have a poor diet. Then there's a white ghetto right in that room, my friend,

if it's poor diet, because I still eat cans of chili. I'm going to eat microwave burritos later tonight. Later tonight. Yeah, I just think the, you know, a stern dad, walk in like he's sitting watching TV you're kind of scared if you're not a bad kid you're not scared you know like if you're doing everything fine

and well I think the problem is that if you're not a bad kid you're still scared I think that's he loved Laurie he loved his daughter and she was doing bad shit all the time but he just she hit it well Eric never did because he was always hanging out with Kelsey. It's like the daughter-daddy thing.

Yeah, I feel like we took different things away from that. You think I'm more of a daughter? You're more of a daddy-daughter dance. Why don't you put the hat on that microphone like it's supposed to be, you dumb fucking idiot. It's wanting to tilt to the side like it's LP. Your final pick? It is my final pick, and I'm just going...

I'm going to go fun, and I'm going to pick Carl Winslow. Fun dad. Fun, cool dad. Well, there goes my pick. Yeah, I think so. He was on my list, but then I couldn't really remember any I can't remember specifics, but he's fun. Of course he was fun. The whole family was fun.

He called his son Edward. He was a cop. Fun, cool cop. He was a cop. Fun, cool cop. He was a cop who used full names. Fun cop. He was nice to his kid's annoying friend. Yeah, he wasn't nice to him. Waldo Faldo. Remember when they tried to throw Waldo Faldo

on Boys in the Hood? He often kicked him out of the house. You remember Waldo Faldo on Boys in the Hood? When he's supposed to be like a gnarly like a gnarly gangster it's Waldo Faldo he's chewing on a pacifier the whole time in Boys in the Hood that's not Waldo

no it's not I'm like 80% sure that's not the same the guy who played Dookie in Boys in the Hood I don't know if his name was Dookie crackheads be sucking on your yeah I let him suck on my dick though you know you can get that shit that is Waldo I don't know if his name was Dookie. Crackheads be sucking on your... Yeah. Yeah, let him suck on my dick, though. You know you can get that shit.

That is Waldo. I don't think that it is. No, I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm doing the research as we speak. Anyway, until we get to the bottom of that... You're saying he was in Boys in the Hood? I'm saying the guy who played Waldo Faldo was in Boys in the Hood. Is it

not on his IMDb page? I've got rough news for you. You're going to want to look right around 1991. No, I know. He was on a TV show called The Royal Family. Yeah, you're wrong. I knew it. Yeah, that was very wrong. They don't even look I don't think they look as much alike as even

you think that they do. Well, that's clear. He was in Moesha. I remembered him being in that movie. Now it's all on tape for the whole world to hear. He was in an episode of Hood Adjacent with James Davis. That's what I was thinking of. I thought the whole time Hood Adjacent

I was like, so boys in the hood three. Yeah, alright. I get it. Yeah, Carl Winslow seemed like a fun dad. Now that you've all shamed me. Shame. Carl Winslow seemed like a fun dad. Now that you've all shamed me. Sorry, Carl. Carl Winslow? Sure.

Yeah. I don't remember much from that show. I don't know if I watched it that often. Urkel was one of the, it was like the kind of thing where he was famous. It was on TGIF. Yeah, so I watched it every single time. Yeah, so it was like that,

step by step, Boy Meets World. Clarissa Explains It All for a Minute. Clarissa Explains It All, Sabrina the Teenage Witch later on. There's another one in there too. Oh, there was a lot Clarissa explains it all for a minute. Sabrina the teenage witch later on. There's another one in there too. Aeon Flux. No, House wasn't.

Aeon Flux. Did you say House? You don't remember that dude from Boys in the Hood that was in Full House that one time? I'm kidding. I don't trust your actor. Aeon Flux where they showed people just kissing with just their tongues

and you're like is that how some adults do it on MTV that's how I do it you missed you missed this question we did a couple of Patreon mailbags and one of the questions was out of the three of us who likes kissing the most

what do you think we said I don't know I do like kissing you have the most, what do you think we said? I don't know. I do like kissing. Oh, God. Yeah, but the most. I think maybe Ian. Oh, no. This guy loves kissing. I really do. I love it. I don't know why it's so funny to me.

You already have a girlfriend. Why are you saying that? He loves kissing. I love kissing her, man. How far are you into that relationship now? Five years? Yeah, six years. Six years? Six years in October. Six years in October, and you're all still kissing on the regular?

Smooching, making out? Yeah. You guys can see the little... Tonsil hockey? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You just had a let me tell you look. Well, I know.

I'm picking it because... You ever make out with her still? Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I love it. He's a snoopy little devil who loves to kiss. She's amazing. I'm thrilled about her. We nailed it.

Every time I get to kiss her, I can't believe that I get to. It's super fun. I like kissing her. Oh. Shane. Earlier today, I was like, hey, maybe after we record, we'll go grab a beer. He's like, I don't think I'm going to drink tonight, Bubba. Who's been drinking that? Who's been drinking the

boy? We started this like an hour and a half later. I thought we would. Okay. I felt like I was going to the gym. I felt like criticism. Sorry. I was putting up 225 30 times. You know what I mean? That's good. Yeah.

Like straight 30 or like sets of 10 or what'd you do? 10, 10, 10. You know what you should do is you should kick out about 280 right now. I've had a few. I've skipped the gym the last week. Yeah, you did that. You did that freaking Kermit and Piggy song that you never would have done if there wasn't a couple of bullets in you.

I hit the bike this morning. I'm going for some drinks. Sugar, what's your fifth pick? Fifth and final pick. As it is. Well, no, not as it is. But it is. Oh, man, there's a few murderers left on my board. That's how I feel.

I'm not. I'm going to go. I am going to go. I'm going to go with Dan Conner from Roseanne. I had him on the list. I don't know if he's a murderer, but he definitely could have gone that way because he was there. Roseanne's dead. Maybe

he killed her. I didn't see that season. Dan Conner, I love. That's a big reason I get laid. Me too. Yeah. Isn't it crazy when you turn a corner like that? Yeah. Oh, I love. That's a big reason I get laid. Me too. Yeah, yeah. I think that's my whole look. Isn't it crazy when you turn a corner like that? Yeah. When you're like, oh, I have a sultry voice.

Or whatever it is you find out. Yeah. But like Dan Conrad, like he was, women. They got you. He got them. Love them. He got them comfortable with the whole vibe. With the big boys.

Yeah. With the whole vibe. Yeah. Trying to raise kids. Doesn't get any of them. Like, it's great great there's an episode where jackie's boyfriend hits her and then the next time you see her boyfriend he's got two black eyes oh yeah terrified yeah so he just went over there and whipped some ass proper

he's a bear yeah yeah i love it he's a bar yeah as i'm looking up because i do believe you guys but i need to know what's happening but while while I stumble upon to Jaleel White, Family Matters, the characters that he played were Steve Urkel, Stefan Urkel, Myrtle Urkel, Bruce Lee Urkel. Yeah, that was when he had the chance. Is my pick done? No, no, but I just

blew my mind. Did you just fucking come back in with your horse shit? We can get back to it. We can get right back to it. You did. You did. Hey, here's my dumb fun quip. Come back in with your horse shit? We can get back to it. We can get right back to it. You did. You did. You did short lines. Hey, here's my dumb fun quip. You answer your phone in the middle of a movie theater, you fucking idiot. You ain't no movie theater, bud.

No, I'm far more captivating. Bruce Lee Urkel. Don't tell me. Continue. Bruce Lee Urkel. Your legs cross me continue. Bruce Lee Urkel. Your legs cross like a lady when we're drafting men. Wow. I have no commentary on that. Yeah, let it play.

I'm already in enough trouble. I sure was wrong, by the way. Waldo Feldo is not in Boys in the Hood. No, you were super wrong. Yeah, you were. Yeah, they don't really look that much. No, they don't. One of the wronger.

No, they do not look alike. You said that back before Shane got canceled for saying that only ladies cross their legs. No, I say you crossed them like a lady. Okay. Dan Conner from Roseanne. Yeah. Yeah, Burley. You know, Johnny Paycheck.

Yeah. Just doing it all for the family. Yeah. Yeah. Still trying to, you know, he loses it a Yeah. Just doing it all for the family. Yeah. Yeah. Still trying to, you know, he loses it a lot, but he keeps it together too. Yeah. I like any man who carries a lunch pail. He is a lunch pail guy.

He doesn't lose it a lot. What's he? He keeps it together. He's where he freaks out. Well, he loses it on like Darlene's shitty fucking dude a couple times, but like, of course, he's not going to lose it on that guy. Yeah. So my fifth pick, I need a real utility player

I need a guy who can do everything I need a dad who can fix the lights I need a dad who can do it all I'm taking Julius Rock from Everybody Hates Chris Terry Crews' second appearance on the show I think that dad was like, there's something to be said about a dad

who's just a workhorse I had a feeling that's what you were shooting at when you were like, that might be another second appearance. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, he's like, listen, kids, go to school, read books, wife, do whatever you got to do. I'm going to hold down this house. I got four jobs and I don't fuck. I'm always up before the sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't see me because I'm always working. Like you got you got to respect somebody who puts like the work in yeah of course you know what i mean like like leaves the milk in the fridge even though he's the first person up exactly exactly yeah and like always looking for way to ways to save money like i just like yeah i just appreciate that is that we not a lot of people pick the super cheap dad yet you know what i was thinking about when did that stereotype of men changed it used to be that that was the stereotype like you're cheap that's what you do oh yeah like you're a grown man you're cheap you're always trying to save money cutting corners yeah at some point that like left when i was just back the uh

the sink backed up and i was i looked up and i was like way more cheap well i was like it'd be 60 bucks to call roto rooter it didn't seem like an issue and i told my stepdad that and I was like... I could be way more cheap. Well, I was like, it'd be 60 bucks to call Roto-Rooter. It didn't seem like an issue. And I told my stepdad that. And he's like, the look on his face, he was shocked. He's like, absolutely not. I'll go get a snake. I will get it. I will.

It will not be clogged anymore. It wasn't. He did it. But I never would have even... I'd be like, I don't know how to do that. Yeah, you're going to Roto-Rooter. That's the thing I'm warning you, though. There's something about just solving... You could solve that problem, right? Yeah, I mean, I could go get a snake and don't know how to do that. That's the thing I'm wondering, though. There's something about just solving...

You could solve that problem, right? I mean, I could go get a snake and do what it says to do. We lost the key to our mailboxes, and this is not a big... But I was looking up how much it would cost to get a key made. Of course. And it was like $100, but it was $10

to just get a whole new lock. Really? Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. To just replace it outright. Yeah, so like I think we should all be doing things like that

a little bit more. I get that sense of accomplishment from calling a better man to do it. The sense of accomplishment that people used to get from replacing a whole lock themselves, I get from making a phone call. I really do. Really? Yeah, I do. But that's just because I'm such a fucking veal cow.

Don't you think you would enjoy solving the problem? I bet I would, but I bet you would do. I don't know. I bet I enjoy heroin too, but I don't want to get hooked on it. I bet you would do that. Cause you like,

you like feeling better about yourself more than anybody I know. You promote self-care now. And I mean this in a good way. If this door needed new hinges and you put on new hinges, people would be hearing about it on this podcast. Of course, yeah. I think you should do more stuff like that.

If you're not going to sing the song you write. I put in a handrail at my mother's house. Did you really? Yeah. If I called Hrach Kazgarian to come fucking fix this door that you'd hear about on this podcast. And will. If the door breaks. Who? Hrach Kazgarian.

Oh, yeah, yeah. A door. I was just trying to think of something. We're in Glendale. It would probably be an Armenian handyman. Yeah. You know. My knee just popped out of nowhere and it caused me visible pain. Yeah, and you're

going to win this fight. Pop it on your fucking jaw, my friend. Yeah, we're going to pop that. Keep talking. You want to fucking put a flying knee

right across Verdugo, my friend. Flying knee. Fucking right. Fucking two inch vertical. Nothing. Fuck.

You don't think I can jump higher than you now? No, I think you can jump higher than me. I don't think a lot of us are doing a ton of What do you think your vertical is? I don't think I can jump higher than you now? No, I think you can jump higher than me. I don't think a lot of us are doing a ton of jump. What do you think your vertical is? I don't think this is going to be a jump fight. No, it isn't.

Nobody thinks we're flying through the air. You're going to come out and I'm like a pig rooting for a truffle. You're going to be dancing around. And I'll be like Vega in Street Fighter. Just bouncing all over the lawn. You think you're Vega? If I had to pick someone in Street Fighter i'm vega well i'll chop your fucking ponytail off that bounty's back on

everybody listening oh no everybody listening two weeks before high plays the bounty's back on give me that ponytail if you if you ever wanted to do this i would for sure put my hair up you got the money for the bounty now did you hear hear that? What? Did you hear what he just said? Whoa. The hair is on the line? If you wanted to do it, but I get to tattoo my name across your chest. Oh, that's the same thing. Not chest, inner arm. What about

inside bicep? Inner arm, ankle. Inside bicep. You think that me doing him a cosmetic favor by beating the shit out of him and giving him a haircut is the same thing as getting Shane tattooed on my armpit? Wait, do I have to get fart

barf knuckle tattooed on my armpit? Because that would almost be worth it. Whose fart barf knuckle? What would be an equivalent to that? I don't have a tattoo in an inconspicuous place. Whose fart barf knuckle? Some dude I fucking mopped up the other day and got the tattoo anyways. You get to keep the ponytail. I know you'd like that. I don't have a tattoo in an inconspicuous place. Who's fart barf knuckle? Some dude I fucking mopped up the other day and got the tattoo anyways. You get to keep the ponytail. I know you'd like that.

Yeah, dude. I'm going to walk around with it like this. I'm going to go to Fort Worth and be like, whose is this? What is your final pick? Great question. Fucking ass whooping for Sean. I will beat you like you stole something from me.

Stole a lot of shit, never got beat for it, my friend. You didn't want to. You're overdue. That's right. That's why I know I'll win because you were grounded for a day and a half when you stole something. You're nothing to me. I will crush you. Fit last pick?

I'm loving this show, though. Okay. Torn between two controversial picks. Me and Sean? The two of you. I'm going to take my favorite TV dad, who is not a dad at all. Right? Yeah.

But a woman who had to play both roles. Sure. For her young, impressionable daughter, growing up in Stars Hollow, Connecticut. I knew you were going to get Lorelei Gilmore. No. Yes, I am. No. You start a podcast, Bubba.

Wait, isn't she a mom? Yeah, big time. And a dad. She's got to play both roles. Dude, I didn't know that was possible. You picked a ball pit. You're the man who thinks anything I didn't know that was possible. You picked a ball pit. You're the man who thinks anything is possible. We were drafting food and you picked a ball pit one time.

We weren't drafting food. We were drafting fast food menu items. We were drafting fast food restaurants. Menu items. We were drafting menu items. Yeah, or restaurants. Agree to disagree. Yeah.

He can take a ball pit You can take a woman That's not how I meant it Roy's dad comes back around Damn Shane Shane just cancelled himself twice Are you uncancelled? You guys know what I fucking You know where this is going

I can't pick a family guy This whole fucking These New York comics are different I know Look at him over here Sunglasses on his shirt. They'll televise it. It'll be big on YouTube when I

beat your fucking ass. Your first TV credit is going to be when I whip your fucking ass on close. All over Sioux Falls, dude. Tommy Jack's parking lot is like a prison yard. We can do it in Sioux Falls. I don't care. You know what they call the patio Tommy Jack's? For real, they call it the yard because it looks like a prison yard. I will take you out there. I'll beat your ass,

and then I'll play a game of bags and do a Jägerbomb right after I'm done. The triple crown. The Sioux Falls triple crown. A lot of dudes have left their son with the same sentence. She is a provider, a pastor on of wisdom

someone who's learning a lot about herself even if she's passing things on to her daughter she doesn't have it all figured out you know who does she's always there for Rory yeah and she's had to be

she's had to be her dad and her mom for a long time until her dad comes back around with all his new money you know, and his slut wife. Now I'm canceled. Oh, shit. What is happening? Oh, my God. He's the only one who hasn't drank.

We had to bleep out the ending of Breaking Bad. Now we got two canceled motherfuckers in the room. No, I'm joking. She's not a slut at all. She's wonderful. Well, she's not wonderful, but she's all right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, being a slut's great.

I'm not slut-shaming anybody. No, yeah. You know, I'm a slut every now and then. You listen to the Road episodes. Get dirty, dog. But, yeah, Lorelei Gilmore. Just maybe my favorite character. One of my favorite characters on TV ever.

And definitely my favorite character. One of my favorite characters on TV ever. And definitely my favorite TV dad. I hate that you do that. If any of you got anything to say about it. I don't. You can meet me in the yard at Tommy Jack's. Oh, fuck. I'll just one after another. It's fine.

Oh, you want to challenge me to a fight now? Yeah, I'll do you too. 225, dude. 30 times. My dick was up the whole time, by the way. I didn't mention that fight. Pulled my dick off the ground 30 times. For dick was up the whole time, by the way. I didn't mention that part. I pulled my dick off the ground 30 times. For all 30 of them.

My 2.25 inches of dick was on the ground. Boys, boys. Boys. All right, so that wraps up the draft. NSFW episode. Oh, boy, aren't they all. Sean, you went first, and you took Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights

and then Phil Dunphy from Modern Family, Randy Marsh from South Park, Red Foreman from That 70s Show, and then Carl Winslow from Family Matters. Pretty good list. Not the best, but pretty good. Sugar Shane, you went second. You took Walter White from Breaking Bad,

Gomez Adams from The Adams Family, Sergeant Terry Jeffords from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Wee Bay from The Wire, and then Dan Conner from Roseanne. David, you went third. You took Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Hank Hill from King of the Hill, Ray Campbell from Sister Sister,

Hal from Malcolm in the Middle, and then Julius Rock from The Chris Rock Show. I went last, and I took Homer J. Simpson from The Simpsons, Frank Costanza from Seinfeld, Tony Soprano from The Sopranos, Kermit the Frog from The Muppets, and Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. Oh, yeah. I like it. We left some people on the...

I had Charles Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. Oh, that's a good one. Kiefer Sutherland's character from 24. Floyd Henderson from Smart Guy. Oh, yeah. Smart Guy. He was a widower. Tim the Toolman Taylor?

Sure, yeah. I had Al Bundy. Yeah, of course. Oh, yeah. And Ray Donovan. Oh, you love Ray Donovan. That was the pick I knew you Bundy. Yeah, of course. And Ray Donovan. Oh, you love Ray Donovan. That was the pick I knew you would hate. Frank Mitchell from Moesha.

I wouldn't have hated Ray Donovan because I suspect I would like the show. But you would have given me shit about it. He gives you shit about it. I don't think you should. You absolutely have given me shit about it. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not the Ray Donovan guy. If you guys are talking about Showtime shows, have you been watching that Kirsten Dunst joint?

To become a god in Central Florida? No, I haven't. Is it good? I really like you. I bet. I had Jack Pearson from This Is Us. I haven't seen This Is Us. Which one is Jack?

He's the Milo. Oh, Milo Ventimiglia. He's fantastic. I had LeBron James. That's a pretty good dad. I mean, he's on SportsCenter a lot, I guess. Is he a TV dad? I mean, he's on TV.

I feel like he does a lot of stuff going on the cameras over there. I was thinking about Nelly or T.I. or something, like someone who's like, it's like a TV dad, but it's like a reality show. I had Rev Run from Run's House. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. I guess LeBron is on TV all the time. That was a great draft. Yeah, that was a fun one. Good job, everybody. We want to hear your picks, of course. Please hit us up on Twitter individually and at AllFantasyPod on Twitter.

AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com is the email address. Sign up for the Patreon. It's back and it's booming. We're back in the Slack. We're getting the Slack figured out. I made Sean an admin you know cause I don't know how to do any of that stuff and I think Sean he's pretty handy with the steel

and his keep if you know what I mean yeah bonus episodes coming on their way shout out to super producer Marissa the best there is shout out to the AFE subreddit we love you shout out to all of our Patreon friends.

Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Out. You know, shout out to Haji Beats. Special shout out to Miss Kelly Jordan. Oh, special shout out to Miss Kelly Jordan. She's having surgery tomorrow.

Well, hopefully it went well. This is two days ago by the time you're hearing this. Knock that wood. Knock it. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. What up, ma? I know you're maybe the only person still listening. She rules. She's a this. Knock that wood. Yeah. Knock it. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. What up, ma? I know you listen. You're maybe the only person still listening.

She rules. She's a good egg, that one. All of you, by the way. All of you checked on me. Yeah. Because you're all menches. Shane was scoping you out. He wasn't checking on you.

Yeah, I know. He was probing for weak points. We can do this. I'm so ready to do this. It's fucking insane. I'm filled with rage all the time. Filled with fucking loud mouth soup right now and someone put a nickel in you on top of it

you want to talk about who's filled with booze all the time 3 o'clock I get over here and Sean's 3 beers in not true not true let's close out let's close out I don't wanna it's a blood feud

In conclusion America is a land of contrast Shane goes Shane goes I don't wanna You guys can keep talking We'll just turn the mics off You know

The audience will be None the wiser How far is Cantor's From here It's gonna take you About 30 minutes to get there Okay nevermind There's other deli meat

You can get to faster We'll talk about it off there. Shout out to everybody for listening. Thank you so much. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week

for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shakakity! that was a hate gun podcast