All Fantasy Everything - Terms for Sex (w/ David Gborie and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

Happy Valentines Day! The Good Vibes Gang goes blue on this hella bawdy episode of All Fantasy Everything. Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that you thought you could keep down? Motherfucker. That you thought you could get one of us sick and we'd miss a beat? Trick! You thought that you weren't going to get a podcast for a whole week? Stinking ass weasel.

You sat TI next to me with a head cold on a direct flight to Atlanta? Thought my man would go down? You thought I would go down? I did, but then it turns out the mans is actually three mans. And two mans can do the podcast when one of those mans is unavailable. We can have whatever we like. Stacks on deck. Throat full of phlegm. Antibiotics in my blood. And baby, you can have whatever you like. Stacks on deck. Throat full of flam.

Antibiotics in my blood. And baby, you can have whatever you like. Yeah, dude. None of that last week. Call him sick, man. Home is the Taliban. I legit, first of all, it was a delightful episode. I listened to it while I was playing NBA 2K19.

Nice. How's the Blazers doing? Blazers are doing great. Rodney Hood has been a welcome addition to the squadron. You start doing that store mode like Harris does yet, where you can go buy sneakers and shit? I'm not in as deep as Harris, man. I play a lot of video games. That's our friend Nick Harris.

Shout out to Nick Harris. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. That guy plays video games. That guy is comfortable around video games. Nick Harris was staying at our place, sat where you're sitting right now. We're recording live from the Fortress of Solid. Here we are. Where you're sitting right now, Sean Jordan,

and watch me play maybe seven hours of Stardew Valley. Chungus and all that. He doesn't even, he just likes it. He was just cool. He likes being around video games. I don't mind it either. Like you've sat, you know, you've shut it off before and I'm guessing all that. He doesn't even, he just likes it. He was just cool with it. He likes being around video games. I don't mind it either. Like you've said, you know, you've shut it off before. And I'm like, it's almost more fun than watching other shit to me. I mean, it's fun to watch.

Like Red Dead, forget about it. Yeah. That was like a big tombstone that I've never seen. God, it was fun. Yeah. New tombstone. I've got two controllers here. One for each of them.

I've got 90 hours of gameplay here. Is that how much it is? 90 hours? Per near, dude. It's so long. When you look at the man hours, I bet you, I bet you I was working

full time on Tony Hawk when it came out. Oh, yeah. Maybe not full. I bet I was working five hour days. Oh, you fly through that game, though.

But I just stayed playing it, though. Oh, yeah. I mean, for years because I had a busted foot and I was just breaking controllers. I broke three controllers, probably. Christ, there. You mean, for years, because I had a busted foot, and I was just broke breaking controllers. I broke three controllers, probably.

Christ, air. 900. Girlfriend told me she cheated on me one time while I was on the phone playing it. Damn. That's not Tony Hawk's. What song was playing, dude? I can't remember.

Because I'm a superman. I mean, it was one of seven. Yeah. Oh, they had thick soundtracks, didn't they? I don't know. I feel like they had a lot of songs I would not have heard. Tony Hawk 2, was that Public Enemy? The bass?

Was that in 2 or 1? Bass! How low can you go? Death Row. What a brother knows. The Public Enemy number one. Speaking of Death Row, not to do with nothing, but watch that documentary on Suge Knight

if you can get your hands on it. Oh, for real? Where is it again? I think it's on Cinemax. Cinemax is still around? Showtime. I bet it's on Showtime. I bet it's on Showtime. Yeah, I think it's on Showtime.

I refuse to watch it because he's a villain. Marion Shug Knight is a big time villain. Dad's name was Shug too. Really? Yeah. Well, Nick's name.

You trust two generations of Shug? Man. Could you imagine what Papa Shug was going to do? No. And they're interviewing him. Because your dad's always tougher than you. Yeah.

So it was like 2012 but his dad didn't seem to think that his son had done anything bad yet and he had done plenty of bad shit by the year 2012 he didn't kill that dude is papa shug like trying to like horn horn horn in on like lover's business or like the eisley's like who was like i don't know papa shug man and he just ate yeah i'm just i don't know. Papa Shug, man. And he just ate... Yeah, I don't know. I don't even know why. I bet his dad looks good, too.

Evil doesn't age the same. Yeah, evil ages... Oh, my God. Evil ages hot. Shug's looking kind of rough these days. Well, he's in prison. Yeah, he's in prison. That's a whole added stress.

He'll be there for a while. Different thing. Is he not looking good? Did they talk to him? No, no. Well, I didn't see any of that. I don't think so. But I look sometimes.

I feel like if there was a dude who could thrive in a place. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Like a duck to water. Yeah. Like when he got there, he's probably like, nice. I don't think it's like me or you going to prison. They took his coat, you know?

Should going to prison is like us going to Taco Bell. Yeah. Where we're like, all right. Yeah, yeah. But yeah but also like i shouldn't be here regular yeah like i hate how comfortable i am nobody sees this yeah yeah we tell a lot of jokes about it but honestly maybe it's time to get our life together yeah yeah when i'm around my friends i joke like it's a good thing but when i'm alone i hate what that place has done to me and my body. I would never brag about it to my mom. I had to stop today

from going there. I was going to just buy a ton of food and bring it home. I'm like, don't, man. Don't. Don't. Don't. Oh, no. Don't. Wait. No. What was that? Where's that from? Wait. Anderson Pack. Wait. That's right. You know, that kind of podcast.

Yeah, yeah. I always get that kind of podcast. Definitely that kind of podcast. I legit, thank you for bearing with me while I was sick. God, I got quick hands. I almost put the laptop on the ground. Yeah, I like that, though. I like that.

I like that a lot. I got it up for a respiratory thing. I really think I got sick from the rapper T.I. It wasn't from here, because you were sick when you got here. Yeah. I mean, it was running thin, I think, too. You were probably cashed.

As the doctors say. When I flew back? Yeah, I mean, what, it was like four in the morning? I was also being exhausted. Some dude barfed on the plane. You got fucked at the Super Bowl

kind of with the ride. Not actually fucked. Well, no. I mean, what happened at the Super Bowl? It was just a lot of standing and getting yelled at. So the whole experience.

Say that. The credentials thing. Dude, like, it's just, so like, it's an eight hour, you're there for eight hours, nine hours, and you're on your feet for a lot of it. And when you're press or media, it's all just getting yelled at. Like, display your credentials. You see your credentials.

All right, move on. Go, go go go all right stop no stop stop there wait like you're just like anything with credentials is a hassle god damn but and then it's also they like deputize half of atlanta you know what i mean because they have like all these security guards around the super bowl which good i get it but like all these security guards around the Super Bowl, which good, I get it, but like... All these TSA guys picking up extra shifts. Maybe. I learned this phrase that's a British term called like a jobsworth, which is somebody with just a little bit of power

who like really runs well. Yo, event security is... They're super jobsworths. I don't know if you guys want to... I'll take the stance. Event security, they are the worst. They're the worst. Always.

Always. They're no good, man. Event security fucking suck, man. Doug, can I tell you? No, you finish your story, and then I'll tell you your story. I mean, that's kind of basically it. I just like the credentials part. There's the I'll meet you a lot.

I did see Travis Scott walk by holding the Cactus Jack Jordans that just dropped. That was pretty cool. That's pretty cool. What else? Being at the Super Bowl was rad. Of course. The lady who was driving us around, we were half an hour from the hotel and that's counting in traffic because we were a mile away oh and uh it took us 90 minutes to get there because this woman

used to be an atlanta police officer and just wouldn't follow the instructions that were given to her no because she knows the streets she thought she did but the streets are different around the super bowl so she was just driving around and was just like i'm so sorry y'all and we were just like we're gonna be cool with that because what's the alternative what do i i mean we're gonna hop out with these two like 70 year olds james corden's parents and oh shit yeah yeah you guys couldn't even hill fit if you wanted it to at the game for eight hours it's finally over we tell this woman like pick us up here on the silver deck right like this one it's this one spot to go to. Silver deck.

Wait, this isn't an Uber. This is like a car service. This is a car service. Like the NFL hired for us or somebody hired. Like, it's a, you know, it's like a Cadillac Escalade or whatever. Yeah. And we're like, pick us up here. You're credentialed for it.

You know, it's right there. We see the credentials. Pick us up there. That's where everybody's getting picked up. We'll meet you there. You got to have your credentials. You's getting picked up we'll meet you there you gotta have your credentials hey hey buddy she so and you know james's parents are like a little bit older and like his mom's been like my dogs were barking for god's sake and his mom is like you know she's an older woman so like an og an older girl she's an og and uh we we get out to where our driver's

supposed to be yeah and she's nowhere to be seen so we call her and she's like oh i texted one of you meet me at this park that kills me a mile like a mile away from where we were like meet you at a park to get a mile away to from where you're going you can't get them like you can't there's like a couple roads that go into the stadium during the super bowl right right yeah outside of that the whole thing's shut down she didn't text man unless i was thinking about i thought about this more than you know but like unless like when you're in a busy that many people using their phone maybe it took a while to go through but you would have got it eventually she but she said she didn't have credentials she for sure did we saw him before we left and like,

she just was weird. She just had, and like, so we were, we like walked out. So luckily they had like a chair for, uh, the mom and like this guy pushed it.

This dude who worked for like, I don't know. Who's like one of those jobs worths who was just like a cool dude. Yeah. I'll do this for the day. And had like a great attitude and like a hundred bucks flat for my day. Yeah. Fuck.

I mean, I wish I would have had some cash to peel them off for it because it was like above and beyond but like uh she was like okay meet us here and like she didn't show up there and then she got into a yelling fight with one of our producers oh that's right and then because our producer called her boss and was like where is this woman and then the boss got her you gotta go to the top producer she thought she ratted her out but it was also just like hey where's this car anyway we ended up getting an uber away from the super bowl and they're like 300 it was so expensive i'm sure but they were like uh but the problem is my backpack was in the car that didn't come pick us up. My backpack, which had like my house, my car keys, my computer, all my shit, all my shit's in it. All that, all that stuff that you're like, I can't have a mail it to me.

Right. Those are the things I need. Yeah. Cool. So like, if we get it back and we met, you know what I'm like, I don't know where this woman's going to be. She could be anywhere. She could be anywhere.

Land is a big city. Fuck. She eventually shows up with it and drops it off and tries to come in to apologize to everyone, but no one's hearing it. I was being overly nice. I was like, thank you so much for bringing the bag back. She came in and tried to apologize,

and everyone was like, no, Cynthia, or whatever her name was. And she tried to offer me a ride to the airport after all that. You're like, come on, man. Because my flight was at 3 a.m. This was like 12.30 at this point when I'm finally getting my bag back. And long story short, dude, I think I got sick from sitting next to T.I. On the flight.

T.I. T.I. On the flight out to Atlanta. Because I'm in the guild. They got to fly you first class. T.I. Only flies first class. Always fly you first class.

Yeah. Also in the guild. Also in the guild. I flew next to Afro Man and T.I. only flies first class. Always fly first class. Also in the guild. Also in the guild. I flew next to Afro Man and T.I. Man. Very different experience. Dude, who's next?

Which 90s rapper or which early 2000s rapper is next? I don't know. I'm hoping for J. Quan. J. Quan would be a good one. David Banner. Oh, David Banner

would be a good one too. He ain't up first class though. Maybe he's going to the Super Bowl. What? David Banner is for sure first class. Oh yeah, David Banner is for sure first class. Oh yeah, David Banner?

Yeah, don't, come on, you're playing my boy out? Dude, he also lives in Mississippi so that's like a low overhead. He also was a producer. He made the rubber band man

beat. Both of you put your shirts on. No. I mean, you're coming in my man. We are sideways. I saw,

you think I didn't, okay, we went and saw David Banner at the Armory in Sioux Falls, South Dakota and he drank what appeared to be an entire bottle of Grey Goose. Yes. Just slammed it. And my friend John was like, no way.

And we're like, no, he didn't really do that. That's water, dude. He'd be dead if he did that. Also, later in that show, man, I hope this is right, but he was throwing out t-shirts. And John Kaufman, this fucking kid, he got in like a tugging match with a girl, like a 16 year old girl over this t-shirt. Wow. Some dude ran up and punched him and he's like, let the fucking girl have it, dude. John's telling this story to Adam and I, and he's like, I wish I knew where that fucking guy was.

And Adam goes, he's right there. He just pointed right at the guy. And John's like, whatever, fuck him. Jesus. Wow. He wouldn't go over there. All at the guy. And John's like, whatever, fuck him. Jesus. Wow. He wouldn't go over there. All in the wrong. You sold him down the river, but he was right to be.

What was your story about event security? Oh, they didn't want you to let your boy in for rehearsal for his own half hour special. Are you serious? Wild. Yeah, they like, I walked up and i had my credentials around my neck gotta have your credential and old boy like like stop me like put his hand on me like whoa we have to check and i was like i like here's my alex's pet i have

i'm here for i was right on time too i was like i'm here for rehearsal right now these motherfuckers he was like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and i he was like, what's your name? And I was like, David Borey. I'm doing it. I'm on the thing tonight. They got my name in there somewhere. It's on the wall. And he held me up. And then they let me get in inside the first door.

And then this line producer was like, what are you doing here? I was like, dude, it's my special. I'm trying to sneak in and steal some of those half bottles of water, you motherfucker. There wasn't even craft services. This is, the shows don't start until seven. This is my rehearsal at like 1230. And then I'm like, and I'm standing there and he's like, what's your name?

And I'm like, oh my God, you don't get to, this is. Did he want 80 on you after he found out you were a loser? Oh yeah. He's like, oh, I i'm sorry i'm just a line producer they don't tell why am i thinking it's like that's why you're a lot of you guys also why are you guys treating anybody like this that's the fucked up thing about that's like it's like it's the same thing like that when i had like i had this sounds like fucking champagne problems but i had my trailer there yeah and i told my friends hey come see me in my

obviously you know what i mean and like he wouldn't let him knock on the door he made him stand there and then he came and knocked on the door and was like they say they're with you and i'm like oh my god dude this is all within like you know it's like how that shit always is when you have a trailer in a contained space they got the vip they're vip anyways you like it was just like it's so silly it's like and what do you guys do it because as soon as they like found out i was legit then they were nice but then it's like it's like when you have a friend anyone it's like when you have a friend and you're like oh he's nice to me and that but then like it turns out he's really shitty to other people yeah that person's a prick if they're a prick to anyone, you know, for no reason,

that's usually a prick. You know, while you guys were having these problems, they let me buy a bottle of Jameson at the liquor store. They sold it to you? No questions asked. No problem? Yeah. Let me walk right in.

Let me do it. Who does security there? Zach, let me sit here and drink it. Who's trying to sneak into a rehearsal? I know. Rehearsal? There was no craft services out. There was no,

it was, it was literally just me practicing my walk on and walk off and doing the color test with the outfit. Yeah. But practicing a walk on and walk off, but I guess you have to, huh? Joaquin dude.

Joaquin. Joaquin. You're Joaquin. You're Joaquin. If you're familiar with my other television performances, your boy did blow one man i thought that was on purpose until you told me because you were so calm he's like i blew it already and then took a couple steps back and i was like that was hilarious how'd it go the

table went well it went very well it was fun i was very funny i feel like i think you guys are gonna like it i heard that dav it. I heard the same thing. Everybody said that David crushed it. David got to Atlanta. Things are slow in the South, but not that slow. That's the other thing. I don't mean to, just real quick, one last diatribe. It is so slow in the South.

Calm. Everything is so slow. See, I kind of dig that. I dig it, but when you're like... It's tricky for me. If I'm visiting, I enjoy it, but I was at the Super Bowl where I'm like, surely this could be faster. Surely, you know what I'm like...

There has to be a way for this to be quicker. I'm in there, blood pressure just like fucking off the charts probably. White knuckle grip. Stressed out. White knuckle grip on your credentials. Knowing all the other writers are on a four-day extended hiatus while I'm working through the weekend. Just mad, dude.

Angry. Yeah. But it's very, it's just very, I guess it is for the best, but boy, you hear like, yeah, things are a little different down there. They're not lying. They ain't whistling Dixie.

You know what I mean? I mean, I was in Montgomery, fairly slow. So you fucking crushed. Any fun party stories? Okay. Or food stories? So, well, I ate, everything was in Montgomery, fairly slow. So you fucking crushed. Any fun party stories? Okay. Or food stories? So, well, everything we ate was good. We ate at Willie Mae's Scotch House.

Amazing. It was amazing. We had the rabbit jambalaya at Coops. It was amazing. Gosh. I can't even remember all the other places. Every meal I ate was good. The set was good.

Oh, the night after, because I was like i got in on wednesday and yeah with my friends and then i think from wednesday to the to the special i think i had two drinks the whole time good man i was just on that's what i was saying like it's i was in my hotel room i was in bed by one o'clock even you know they have those after parties you gotta go to bed mad early but like one's you know yeah i mean when i'm out there and they have these parties that are like you know everybody's blowing off steam from just do and i'm like shit i want to party with my but i kept it cool but then saturday night i still kept it cool after you record it after i record it after my set i i didn't even drink that much but my friend was in town shout

out to big max big max and uh big max ripple i don't know if I could. Yeah. It's fine. He's a legitimate guy. Anyway, shout out to Big Max. He gave me two hits of acid. He's a legitimate guy. But it was the best, right? It was like, because like when I'm not drinking and it's like, I like doing psychedelics where mentally I'm in a good place.

Yeah. And I was like, I just taped my half hour special and it went well. You're in a beautiful place. Probably one of the best places. What a perch for the eagle to soar from. Oh, my God. special and it went well. You're in a beautiful place. Probably one of the best places. What a perch for the eagle to soar from. Oh my God. The lights were all brighter. Everything was just beautiful.

I was just so happy. But while I was on acid, I did have to walk across Bourbon Street at one time. It was a lot of humanity. It fucking freaked me out. Wow. Did you feel like you were hopping on the backs of alligators and shit? Dude. And just like everybody was just so drunk and so like.

Well, and they have like all those, they all have masks on and shit. I mean, there's tons of freaky shit on Brains. It's Mardi Gras. It's Mardi Gras. I thought Bourbon Street was always like Mardi Gras. It's got eyes wide shut. There's like beads and shit and like, what are those called? Flagons of fucking yardstick.

I got me a little fishbowl You got a fishbowl the other night too That's what I'm talking about No, we got one Oh yeah, a scorpion bowl at the Virgil David got a fishbowl

like a lunatic I got one of them Here's why I did it though I thought it was going to be hilarious Yeah Me and Sean went to go watch

our friend Kyle Kinane do a show Big time Big time Yeah, big big guy and uh we went over there and fucking they were like something they said something about they were like if you buy if if if you buy the the scorpion bowl during the show it'll be funny and everybody will all laugh so i said that the host of the show yeah so i ordered it and told him to give it to sean because they were like they set it on fire it's this big thing it's gonna be funny yeah and you know sean he would be like he'd be all red faced when they presented but then they just like

played it out they did it so whack they like i was standing back there like giddy like i was like oh man it's gonna be you were ready for it i was, it's going to be. You were ready for it. I was like, it's going to be so fucking funny when they give it to Sean. And then Kitty step in? Then Kitty step in. They like look for me. They like set it. And then it took forever to light.

And then like the show hosts are like waiting. And then they light it. And it was very underwhelming. It was weak. They were having so much trouble lighting it. You're like, you should be pretty good at that. If that's what david's paying like 40 bucks for whatever it's like diminished returns it was not the gag i thought it would be

was it delicious i mean yeah you fucked up a little bit yeah it was definitely a scorpion bowl but drinking a fish bowl of gin with like some punch in there probably me with a good time but yeah the the, I thought it was going to be in my head. I was like, David, you are hilarious. Because think about, you know, Sean, if it went if they did it the way it was supposed to go down, it would have been so

like, yeah, you would have been laughing and looking around and blinking. You would have had to blow it out. Just point to it. Look what my friend did my friend got me it's that fishbowl liquor on fire he's a funny guy i got good i got good people i'm into it yeah i'm into the whole idea it's not your fault it's not your fault didn't get executed properly yeah no yeah and i got drank properly i'll tell you that and new orleans was tight new orleans was

tight yeah feel good glad to be home. Sean is Jordan. Yeah. In the Fortress of Solid Dudes. Sean Cougar, Mel Jordan on the gram. Yeah. A lot of those. A lot of those. I am seeing them. A lot of those lately.

More and more the further we get down the timeline. This was so hard for me to do last week. What was? What you're doing right now. Oh, this was. I forgot his Instagram handle. Oh, I just heard that. That was like shaking.

I'm like, you fucking idiot. You remember Cool Guy Jokes 87. You forgot the G is silent. Like the fucking name. Hey, you know, it was your first time. I was bummed. You always remember your first time, but it was never your best time. I got like a hundred and something of these under my belt.

Now that it's in the can, you should have heard the outtakes from David and I trying to switch on and off or the welcome to another brand. That was unreasonably difficult. It was unreal. I don't know why he made us do it. I didn't make you do anything. the outtakes from David and I trying to switch on and off for the welcome to another brand. That was unreasonably difficult. I don't know why he made us do it. I didn't make you do anything. It seems like a US idea. It wasn't me.

As soon as we biffed it twice, I was ready to scrap it. Sean's like, no, no, no. Well, come to this episode of Live Off Fanta. It was brutal. It was fun. It was pretty fun. You also could have done it Well, come to this episode of Live Off Fanta. Shit. And then, like, it was brutal. It was fun.

It was pretty fun. You also could have done it like Beastie Boy style, where you all just say the last word. Welcome to another All Fantasy Everything. Yeah, that would have been easier. The podcast that makes your telephone ring. Oh, yeah. Intergalactic intergalactic

this is what happened ring this is what happened yeah yeah going down in the podcast hall of fame

uh hitting you hard like my man Ving Reims damn I didn't what other Ving

would it have been I called him Irving today and I was like did Ving Berlin I bet it is Irving I never thought of that it's Irving of course his name is not Ving you thought his name was just Ving yeah I been. I called him Irving today, and I was like, I bet it is Irving. I never thought of that. It's Irving, yeah. Of course his name's not Ving.

You thought his name was just Ving? Yeah, I guess, until I saw it on Twitter. It was on Slack today, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Slack, somewhere in there. What do you got coming up, Sean? I'm going to be, never mind. I was going to ruin a surprise.

Yeah, now I'm all shook. He's hosting the Oscars alright we can say it finally just come to the come to that Portland show man it's March 8th early show

still got tickets not a ton they're not a ton I got an update today and they are we may be you know getting close

we may be looking at a full sellout we're at least I think right now we're at about a sellout of the lower area so all those seats are on the side so whatever you want to sit down well you get that but like pick it get on those tickets if you haven't got it yet the early show six o'clock

it's gonna be a banger it's just gonna be so fun the whole way i'm so there might be a little special special thing that you could have the option of taking home. Yeah. Oh, actually I've been, we're doing merch with a very special collaborator. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who are very excited about.

And they sent me, we, I had a talk with them today. I did Banksy, man. It's Banksy. By the way, no less than Banksy.

But I had a meeting with the people we're collaborating with today. It's going to be tight. Yeah. I heard the designs are dope. Have you seen them? I have not, but I heard.

I'll show you one. I heard. I've seen you rip a man's jaw off. I've seen you. You used to be wild. Yeah, man. Just, you know, kind of that.

That's the dope one. And then we'll, you know, we'll be in Boise end of March. The Tree fort music and comedy and there's so many things festival if you listen to the vince staples podcast he's talking about us quite a bit too so we like to return the favor say vince staples is also going to be there oh yeah yeah i'm seeing the design right now and i'll tell you it is sick you guys are gonna dig

it man i'd wear that i don't give a shit you will i mean i'm so pumped like i always feel like man i'll feel like a dick wearing i can't wear my face it's gonna be exclusive i don't think we're gonna i think we're just gonna sell it at the portland weekend that's we might we might put a few aside for you some of you very special afv listeners yeah but uh these might be we might do some uh i think that's i think limited limited edition merch is so cool yeah so yeah so come to that show and uh what i don't that's about it i don't have anything else coming up hell yeah uh david boy cool guy jokes 87 yes sir on the gram on the gram and g for the life of me i can't

remember what the twitter is it's uh golly it's not not. Honestly, honestly, I put the timer limits on my apps now, so I might not be on there as much. I saw you tweeting about that. What are the timer limits do? I can only be on social media for a couple because my I was it was nuts. So right now it's like two and a half hours a day combined. And I'm thinking about getting off Twitter until those shows in Portland. I get it man i just gotta like i just it's like not i like you guys and i like interacting with you guys but it's not like the the the headspace that twitter puts me in especially like i was good about it

like not looking at it when i wake up but i recently fell back into that trap yeah and it's just like not that's not the like coming into the special i was like meditating before we're just talking about twitter in general not like people like you're just talking like no no i just twitter in general but it's like i don't have the strength of character to look at the app mentions and not bump up into the feed for a little bit right no i feel and then it's the same with like instagram it's just, that's what my hand just does if I'm bored. Yeah. So yeah, I had to put the app timer.

Idle hands, man. Devil's play toy. I'm telling you. I wish I was just worried about jerking off. That would be so much easier. I wish it was just that. It is a lot easier. Unless you're at work.

Well. Yeah, that's true. Then Instagram. I've never done it at work people oh man i have yeah i have i've never j-o'd at work i did i think comedy is the only job that i haven't j-o'd at work well then you're just like oh i gotta be at four hours and i can't wait and i mean at the gas station dude you're in that motherfucker for eight hours by yourself usually. You just stay in the gas station bathroom? Overnight shifts, yeah.

I did it in the upper lift shack in a place where I was. Well, I don't remember we've talked about this before. Her name was Laura, Sean. I was freezing. I don't remember. I just said Nicole. I J-O'd and then I woke up. Weird how this is a recurring theme.

It's come back around. What do you got coming up? so obviously come to Faded every Friday it's been so much fun get those t-shirts and all that February 22nd and 23rd I will be in Columbus, Ohio at the Columbus Funny Bone

opening for Eric Andre Columbus, Ohio with the crazy Y-O-Y-O bang bang February 28th through March 3rd I will be headlining Go Bananas in Cincinnati with your boy, Zach Toscani. Are you staying in Ohio that whole trip or are you coming back? I'm coming back because we're probably going to have to record. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and then, yeah, the next weekend you can catch me at the Doug Fur Lounge. And then after that, we're not going to do anything else ever. Also, Treefoot in Boise. March 30th, the Grawlix is coming back to Denver, and I'm doing the inaugural. Very nice. Man, that's okay.

I was always so bummed that they went away before I got a chance to do it, and I think I might get to do it this time. Seems like it. You and Shane got to do it. I remember that was one of your first big where you're like, dude, the Grawlix are like flying me out. Oh, yeah. They're so good. They've been so good to like... Yeah. Yeah, they've been so good to me.

They put me on TV, dude. We used to run a show and it was... I was shooting for that. Like I was like, I want to be the Grawlix of Portland, you know? It would have been. Saturday, March 16th, we're doing a live AFV in Los Angeles, baby.eles baby at the blue rooster that's cool that's right the motherfucking spot you can come to faded on friday night and come to a live

afe on saturday night yes so it's gonna sell out if i probably right that's crazy yeah i mean it's only like a hundred people that we can get in there within reason you know yeah so yeah March 16th live all fantasy everything who knows who the guest is going to be but the place will be crawling with AFV familiar faces yeah everybody's whole team's

going to be there I might even have a drink oh boy it's St. Patrick's Day the next day I know I know I might have a drink or two. The Irishman, the curse of the Irishman may descend upon you. You're going to take communion before you go to church tomorrow? You know what I mean? The creature might be our guest.

I might be Irish that day. Yeah, that's going to be fun. That's going to be a real live one. Yeah, that will be tight. Yeah, home court. We'll try to record it. We've never, yeah, we've never done it. We've never done it home court. In LA, no one can get back to my bed. And my Zankow chicken is going to really affect my choices.

I'm going to have to volunteer to go into work that day just so I keep myself busy all day. So I don't just sit here and do the devil's work. That's going to be wild. Ticket information to come. Exact time to come. As soon as Malloy texts me. Be back. That's my fault, not his.

Oh, no. I'm sure it'll be like $10 or something. 8 o'clock. He's good at texting, and I'm bad at it. And yeah, it'd be so fun to have you guys out at the Blue Rooster, man. Yeah, it is dope, man. We want everybody to come see it. By then, we'll have a different bar figured out to go to,

so we don't have to go to that ridiculous bar. We have a different bar figured out to go to. Oh, that bar, man. I tell you. It is so expensive, the bar that we usually go to. I don't care for that bar. I don't either. It's got a weird energy to it. I don't like being like a Malloy about it. It is so expensive, the bar that we usually go to. I don't care for that bar. I don't either. It's got a weird energy to it.

I don't like being like a Malloy about it. It's comfy. But we're right. He's wrong. Yeah. That's all there is to it. Well, either way, we'll figure out what bar we're going to as well. We're going to the Roost.

We're doing a live AFV. You are right. It's a live AFV. I'm not going to evangelize for the Roost all the time. We might need to call ahead then and get the chicken, chicken wings ready. We might have to get the wings. You checking out your guns?

No, I hurt my elbow. I wish I was checking on my guns. I thought you would too. I was like, damn, Ethan's got some, I just said,

Ethan, I was like, Ian's got some, some tricep action. Ethan is checking out his guns. Ian hurt his elbow. Ian's got a bum fucking elbow on him. If your name was Ethan, I'd just itch you.

I feel like it's a whole different world. Ethan Carmel. Bear Blaylock calls me Ethan sometimes. Oh, that's because Bear fucking rules. Shout out to the Bear. He gets it. Addie's funny. Shout out to Aliza Carmel, my little sister, engaged in all that.

I was wondering. Yeah. Picking up venues and all that. Yeah. Hell yeah. Very excited. I'm going to call her. I'm going to need an invite to that wedding.

We'll see about it. We'll see. I'm going to need to be there. It's a big Portland political dynasty. Do you know what I mean? I know. It's like getting into Camelot. It's a big wedding, dude.

Well, I'll do some politic in there. I'm wearing a zoot suit. Oh no. No. That would be. I'm going to be. Why? Because it could go either way.

It could go. My sister's just really upstage her. Yeah. Yeah. What's up, cat daddy? You just go pie face the dude, marry him. Like, no, I'm going to take it.

I'll do event security. How about that? That's my way in. Okay. Red windbreaker and all that. Get your fucking credentials. Uh, where do I got to come out? Okay.

I'm Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Fandango. You're Jewish? A hundred percent. Bar Mitzvah and everything. Fandango. You're Jewish? 100% bar mitzvah and everything. Fandango.

Yeah, it would be Jewdango. Jewdango. Jewdango. Jewdango. Jewdango. What do I got coming up? Oh,

you got something March 2nd, I think. No. I thought I met a kid opening, the kid I just did Doug Loves Movies with

said he was opening for you up north on March 2nd oh okay yeah yeah yeah you and Emma oh yeah I had to cancel a gig because I wanted to go with Emma on these so I canceled a gig I am going to be so

you can see me the soonest February 28th I'll be at the Barrel Brothers Brewing in Windsor, California. Nice. Very excited to find out where that is. And then Friday, March 1st, I'll be at the Griffo Gin Distillery in Petaluma, California. I think that's where Chad's going to be with you.

Petaluma. Petaluma. Petaluma's. Saturday, March 2nd. March 1st, Ivan Carmel's birthday, by the way. Saturday, March 2nd, I'll be at Old Growth Cellars in Eureka, California. Oh, let it burn.

Let it burn. Yeah. Oh, damn. You're going to Eureka? Eureka. Isn't that north? Oh, yeah. That's Humboldt County. That's up by like Weed, California. That is Humboldt County. That's in Humboldt County. Lord knows how I'm getting home. That's where I broke weed California. That is Humboldt County. That's in Humboldt County. And Lord knows how I'm getting home.

That's where I broke my foot last time. But I'll be at Old Girl Salad's. I owe Emma Arnold. I am a road trip. We're going on a road trip. You guys are getting both barrels, everybody. We're getting both barrels. Oh, man.

When you guys are out there, you got to go to Los Bagels. Really? It's a bagel shop in Humboldt County. All local ingredients. Oh, shit. So you get like the guac and lox. It's all... Pop guac and lox it. It's called Pop guac and lox it.

Keep that thing up for me. Get a bagel. Won't you pop toast it for me, baby? We can waggle. Hey, baby, we can waggle with the bagel on the flavor. It's made up a song. Babydoll's putting out an album, a new album. It's apparently amazing.

M. Arnold is. So I'm going to open for it. Hell yeah, that's fun. Sick. I'm going to go lay my cape down over the puddles for my queen. Yeah. Northern California is the place to do that. That is one of my favorite things to do

is call Lauren McQueen. Oh, yeah. It is just, I love it. I'm going to go, yeah, and then warm up some of these sets

for the Portland, Oregon shows the following weekend. I know. Yeah. Man, I'm so excited. I'll have new jokes. I was worried about it, but I probably got like 10.

Dude, I promised an hour. I'm looking to have at least 20 minutes of new material. So, you know, it'll be 20 new, 40, the old stuff in Spanish. Crowd work. Do some crowd work, too.

Do some crowd work. We'll play paintball for a little while. Hopefully we'll have an experience that day you can riff on for 10, 15. That's what I'm hoping, like 40 minutes out of that. Yeah. Listen, we can piece this thing together. Yeah, we're going to get that. I've done an hour without an hour.

I'll tell you that. Check is non-refundable. No, I have plenty of time. I'm just joking. But you will. Oh, yeah. I got a bunch of new shit, too. I got a bunch of new shit.

Oh, for that Portland show, I got shit that's like real fresh. Crispy meal. Yeah. It's going to be great. Yep. I got some stuff I'm tightening the screws on as we speak. That's what I like. So we got that. We got a tree for it. I don't think I'm tightening the screws on as we speak. That's what I like. So we got that.

We got a tree fort. I don't think I have anything else. Yeah, fuck yeah. That's it. Listen to all fans and everything. That's a bunch of full calendars, though. Your boys are working. We're working.

Yeah, March is looking crazy, and we're all together in March, which is... Yeah, that's so much fun. That'll be fun. Yeah, usually I'm just out there by myself. Keep an eye out for the summer. That's going to be fun, too. Yeah. We're gathering here today in the Fortress of Solitude.

Not only to talk about how fun of a month March is going to be for those of us on the West Coast, I guess if you're in Oregon or Idaho and then for the three of us or if you're flying out, I know some of y'all is. You carrying a weapon on you and a lot of you are.

We're gathered here in the Fortress of the Salted to draft terms for sex. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, yeah. Happy Valentine's Day. HVD, everybody. So we're going to be downloading terms for sex. You said it.

Your eyebrows went up. The only other live AFV we've ever done in LA, we did unrecorded at a HeadGum live show. No microphones. No microphones. Agent, just us talking like a bunch of rabbis. We're on folding chairs like shortheads. They definitely, I feel like they didn't feel the vibes.

No. That show. No. It did not go over. It felt like they weren't loving on it. That was a big time away game for us. We only drafted three picks each. We didn't even do five.

We did three each. Yeah. We were up there for maybe 15 minutes. Maybe 15. We were just wrapping five. It was definitely a room full of people who wanted to see Jake and Amir. Yes, they did. Could not care less.

Hey, I've been vocal about it. Your boy stays bombing at UCB. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Faded, though. I got my groove back. I definitely ate some shit at UCB. Oh, yeah. Shout out to Faded, though. I got my groove back. I definitely ate some shit at UCB. The sunset one. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's sunset. I don't think I ever had. Holy service shit. Yeah. And everybody, every time you do a show there, by the way, it's no crazy thing. Every comic, every time you do a show there, everybody's backstage like, fucking always bombing. I don't know why I keep saying yes to these kicks.

Everybody. Franklin rules. 40-foot high ceilings at sunset. It's backstage like, fuck it, all these bombings. I don't know why I keep saying yes to these kicks. Everybody. Franklin rules. 40 foot high ceilings at sunset. It's like a fucking... Cirque de Soleil act in there. Yeah, it's like an Amazon warehouse. It does look like a mini Vegas theater. So now, to determine the order of that draft, we are going to play a rollicking game of rock, paper,

scissors, and it's played between the two of you. We throw it on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Damn it. Oh, David wins again. scissors and it's played between the two of you we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissors shoot damn it oh David wins again he fucking freaked me out he was doing spirit fingers he wasn't even you gotta you can't you can't tell where it's gonna come from

I have to go straight down otherwise I end up doing like racist stuff you're not playing them you're playing yourself yeah man you gotta don't look at me I played myself I'll agree with that. Now, David, having won the game of rock paper, says this is coming upon you to determine the order of the draft. As I will.

Before you do that, I want to remind you it's a serpentine draft. What is that? Great question. I'll fucking tell you what it is, David. Outside. I mean, we can handle that right now. You didn't say nothing but a word, brother. I can tell you ain't about that life. It's cold out.

Come over here and see what I'm about. That's a callback to an off-mic story. I said that to someone this weekend in Sacramento. It was pretty buck. And I got away with it. That's the funny part. It's like, someone looked at me and they were like, damn, I'm not about the same life.

And like, they probably were. Anyway. No fear. The Serpentine Draft is like, let's say that dude answered wrong. And so I just decked him. Damn. On the right side of his chin. Damn.

And then he kept looking at me. So then I just smoke him on the left side of his chin. Damn. And I'm like, man, he's still looking like he's about that life. So I smoke him again on the left side of his chin. And then I just'm like, man, he's still, he's still, he's still looking like he's about that life. So I smoke him again on the left side of his chin. And then I just go, kabam, one more,

you know, just for the eyes and cross the T's. Sounds like a lot of people aren't about that life. And then he's still standing. So I still, I just go kablooey on the right side of his cheek again. And then he's still looking at me. This is why you get so many punches.

And I go, and I go to the left side of his cheek. Beating up Bluto from Popeye? Me and Mr. Motherfucking Exquire over here, just saying huzzah to people. So yeah, it's like that. So in other words...

Everybody honking on the street. My pizza's here. Basically, if you pick a third in the first round, you pick first in the second round. That also was very hard for me to get straight last week.

Not hard. Yeah. It's complicated, man. It is complicated. Making it look easy. Yeah. That's the job. That's the job.

It's easy to do if you show your work. Gotta hide the work. Dan's out here trying to do that new math. I know. No, dude. What is the new math?

Does anybody know? You're asking the wrong two people. If there was new math, I didn't know the old math. I know you know guys with kids. Call them. They don't know it either. They don't know it either.

So what will the order of the draft be? I'm going to go first. I'm going to pick Sean second. I'm going to give Ian Carmel the hot corner. Hot corner! Hot corner! I don't mind. Yeah.

In this, the middle's all right. I like... Hey. Hey. Don't get yourself out yet. I swear they're saying Shane. Shane. Shane.

It just takes some time. Little, little, little. In. It just takes some time. Little bit of the in and little of the right. Everything, everything will be just fine. Oh, great. Everything will be all right. Hey, Shane. I'll have a baseball steak. You know I'm headlining the show tonight.

Pardon me, ma'am. Y'all got red gravy. I'll take it in a mug with a diet spray. Man, I've heard him say most of those things separately. You know what's funny is when you said the middle, I've heard him say most of those things separately. You know what's funny is when you said the middle, I just imagined him singing that Ariana Grande song.

Oh, yeah. Baby. That's Zedd. That's not Ariana Grande. It's Zedd and some... Oh. Maren Morris. Maren Morris, yeah.

Why don't you just fuck me in the middle? I can't even... I like that song. I don't even know I'm friends with you guys. Man, I was pissing you guys off. I bought a bunch of music at the airport the other day. Yo, you gotta chill, bro. That shit was I was flamed up.

I was so mad. They were like, get Apple Music. This motherfucker bought like four albums on iTunes. I did not. Okay, if you do Spotify Premium, it's $10 a month. Yeah. And you can download playlists. See, I didn't. I mean, I knew that, but I just didn't quite. If you do Spotify premium, it's $10 a month. Yeah. And you can download playlists. See, I didn't. I mean, I knew that, but I just didn't quite.

He has the nerve. We say get Apple music or something. He has the nerve to say, does that use data? I was wondering, you know, it does. It's fucked up, man. Download the playlist. Get on the web. Why are you buying music like a fucking 40 year

old auntie i'm 37 you're buying no like a 50 year old auntie then you're buying music like somebody's aunt peaches buys frankly beverly and mays albums i bought her like what are you doing you're buying it like you are gonna like it's, that's so crazy to me. This is what I was getting. Right before I got on the worst flight of my life, by the way, I was terrified. You had all those Emerson, Lincoln, Palmer songs. On the fucking greatest hits of Richard Marks. All that fucking information on your phone was weighing the plane down.

Yeah, someone had it in for me. I almost said the kid, but that's Mikey. The kid. David, you have the first pick, and we will get to it right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language,

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Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. And we're back. David Borey, you are on the clock. So a lot of you know me as the bad boy of AFV. Yeah, there's got to be one. Known for wild, crazy pics from the jump street. and me all the two bad boys that's not what's going on today my favorite and i thought about this i really did i because there's like you know there's a lot i hope so

david you're at work there's a lot that we throw around there's a lot that we use for funny i like the term have sex oh i think it's the perfect gravity for the situation because it can be light-hearted you could be like dude we had sex or it could be like she had sex with somebody else yeah like it's not like a lot of these terms seem to be like male or female specific where it's like i blanked her but like we had sex yeah yeah oh where it's like, I blanked her. But like, we had sex. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like starting a small business.

Yeah, we had sex with each other. She LLC'd that pussy. Whatever you want to. We had sex. We had sex with each other. We had sex with each other. We had sex. I think it's like a good like.

It is. It's collaborative. And it very much holds the gravity. It can be funny. Or the brevity of that word.. And it's very, it very much holds the gravity. It can be funny. Or the brevity of that word. I think, I think that, I think it's a great term.

I think it's, I've, I've shaved a mustache before and looked at a girl and be like, you just had sex with this guy. Cause I don't, I don't look good in a mustache. You do.

I look like a fucking lunatic. You shaved a mustache during? No, like afterwards. That's a weird finishing move. Close your eyes. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. weird finishing move. Close your eyes. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait a minute. So what's that buzzing? Oh, it's not what you think it is. That's me shaving my goatee into a mustache because I started with a goatee. Open your eyes and fulfill all your fantasies. It's just you looking like fucking the Pink Panther.

You can have a good mustache. You just are afraid. You're afraid to try. I think you're worried you can't handle the power. Yeah, I try. Like when skinny dudes get buff. It wasn't bad. The last one I had was bad because it was so big.

Because when I had that big ass beard. It was like big like Ned Flanders. I can't have that. That's good though. I didn't look good. I don't know. Well, I don't know. I mean, you know. I trust my friends. But yeah, sex, man. It was like big, like Ned Flanders. I can't have that. I didn't look good. Well, I don't know. I mean,

you know, I trust, I trust my friends, but yeah, sex, man. It's fun. You didn't trust yourself with it.

I didn't trust myself. That's the problem. Can't just be out there in the world with that. Yes, you can. I know. I'd be too powerful. I don't know what to do.

Get free King taco all the time. Probably. Yeah. It'd be real. You're not bringing venison to work every day. From that deer you fell. Yeah, you definitely cure your own meats. Making up at 5 a.m. just to get a head start

on the day. That's the mustache of a man who knows how to make a pepperoni stick. From farm to table pepperoni sticks. Those are the pepperoni sticks that I dream of. Yeah. I want my coffee hotter all the time. Hotter.

Hotter. Hotter still. Hotter. Make it hotter. I got a steel mug I drink it out of. I have a steel mug. I know.

Does that make it better? I don't understand what that does. I don't either. I think it's so you can bring it camping. For Pickathon, they give you these

steel glasses and cups or whatever and they keep everything a lot colder if you're in the market for that. It feels like everything's colder

in like a steel cup. Buy that? Yeah, so I'm in. I like them for that reason. Having sex? Yeah, having sex. Having sex. Have sex.

Have sex. Yeah, I think it's good, man. It's basic and yeah, you don't want to go flying off the handles right away. Sean Jordan,

your second pick. Your first pick. Second pick total. My first pick is going to be... How has that ever happened? Until just, what are we, 120 episodes? That's hilarious. Say it to somebody and really alarm them next time.

Hurry! Somebody kind of timid. Faster! Go! Go! It's going to be boning. Boning! Yeah, I like boning.

Boning ribeye. Yeah, boning ribeye. It's just, it's a low level of maturity, which is fun. You know, let's go bone. Let's get out of here and go bone. Is that what you say? Uh, sometimes I've definitely said that. Have you said that?

Yeah. Boy, I can't get away with that. I only say it with, uh, you know, obviously I'll say it with, I feel like she's going to not want me talking about her, but Laura, as I do. What do you say? Get out of here and bone a little bit? Yeah. Baby, I am full of sizzler.

Let's go bone. Those are those social bits. If we drafted Valentine's day, that was going to be one that I picked as like a social bit for sex. Yeah. Where you'd just be like closing out the check like, I'm going to go bone. Right, right, right, right.

It's so funny. And it happened, you know. Well, I took it. Looks like everybody's clearing out of the bowling alley. What do you say we go bone? Yeah. Is that you or the mustache talking? You guys want to go to Bone City over there?

I got us a room in Bone City. The night has reached a natural conclusion. Long day at work. What do you say me and you pick up a couple of tall cans and go bone behind the liquor store? You want to go to the, we'll swing by the Red Box. We're going to go to the, we'll swing by the Redbox. See if they got a DVD copy of that remake of I Dream of Jeannie with Will Ferrell. And then maybe after that, or even halfway through, we just bone a little bit.

You know, if I was saying this in my current situation, I'd be like, why don't you drive us from dinner that you drove us to and drive us to the Redbox in your car. And then, you know, we'll get that new copy bewitched. Redbox on you yeah yeah yeah red box on me i'm a gentleman and then uh we pick up a couple tall cans i drink them both because you don't drink and then and then we then we bone you know sounds like a night of a foursome you me bottles and james tell james not to bring a camera this time before lo Loco, so. Boning. Boning. Damn, dude.

Yeah, it's just fun. Let's go bone. You're like, whenever you do it outside, you're boning. Oh, yeah. Never. Maybe once or twice. When you're like actually boning. That's like someone you don't know very well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah you don't bone like a loved one have you boned outside have i boned outside i've had sex outside i've done sexual stuff outside i've done sexual stuff outside every day i'm walking on the street it's doing sexual stuff outside is a garage outside no door no. I mean, that's like saying the door's open and your car's open. Like boning a tent. Yeah. Right? So what are we talking about?

Like, just like in a parking lot? I was talking outside. Like, nothing over you. If a flock of Canada geese flew overhead, they could see you. Outside. I think I've only engaged in activities outside. Yeah, me too. Never a full bone.

Never a full bone outside. Never a full bone. Never a full bone outside. Never a full bone, man. Just insects encased in amber. No full bones. Yeah. That was a... Boy, if I knew a better word, but that was a dinosaur joke.

That's why they give you the big bucks. You know, the insects. That's the greatest Jurassic Park joke I've ever heard in my entire life dna oh man all right tight uh hopefully you know or if not whatever it's still fun all right i'm gonna take uh it's my first pick yeah you're taking the one i don't even know who I am yet. Okay.

I'm going to, but we'll see. If you don't, I'm taking it last. Just so you know. Well, you're not going to take it last. It'll go before last. I just might not take it first. Okay. First, I'm taking Knocking Boots.

Damn it. Somebody rocking Knocking Boots. I really thought I was going to get that like in the fifth. Yeah. I thought it was a sleeper. No way. No way. I'm not knocking.

I don't even know if I own any boots, but I've knocked some. I've knocked some. I don't even know if I own any boots, but I've knocked some. I've knocked some. I don't even. It's the best. It's like the most. It's just such a good term. Somebody rocking, knocking a boot. I've tried to look up where a lot of these came from.

This one is hard to trace. I always assumed it was like early, early nineties. She's wearing Tim's. You're wearing Tim's. You're up in there. She's got her legs behind you. Just loose Timbs. It's like booty clapping except for the ankles.

I think it goes back to the 70s at least, knocking boots. Could be like a disco thing. Yeah. Disco, do they wear boots? I'm thinking of heels, I guess. I don't know. Platinum heels. Boots, though.

I mean, knocking boots, it probably comes from the sound. Doc Holliday was probably knocking boots. What are they doing in there? Knocking boots. I love the sound of knocking. Like when you're wearing boots and it's snowing. Oh, yeah. And before you come in, if people have that, they have the snow room and you're just like.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Is that like a term for cleaning your boots when they're in cowboy days and they're're in like cowboy days? I mean, it's a term for cleaning something off. What are they doing? Knocking the dust off or something. I'll tell you what they're doing. They're knocking boots. They're knocking boots down. I've only ever heard it from R&B.

I got two boots here. One for each of you. Maybe it's those like black cowboys from, where are those black cowboys? Oh, they were all over the South. No, you're talking about like the modern day where there's a lot of, you're talking about bone thugs. I think the black rodeo is in Houston, Houston.

Okay. I am. I actually was thinking about that. I'm not a black bull rider. Shout out to my boy, Mel and his boys, black bull rider. Cool.

I saw a dude in sack town, a black dude in a don't call it, don't call it sack. Old sack. So I did in Sacramento. Sacramento. A black dude with a poncho and a cowboy hat on. Like a cowboy motherfucker.

Travis Scott. Yeah, that was dope. Knockin' Boots. That's my first pick. Yeah, damn it. That's a good one. I can't believe you thought that was going to stick around. I did.

I thought it was going to stick around for a while. Taking Knockin' Boots was my first pick, and I'm taking Bumpin' Uglies with my second one. Ah, shit. Ooh. Bumpin' Uglies, because it feels like everybody's doing it yeah and i mean like i don't think everybody bumps uglies no no no no i certainly do i don't think but i don't think like brad pitt and angelina jolene i don't think people who obsess over their bodies to that extent bump uglies ever no it sucks because it's a good kind of sex yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. It's like when Adam, you know, back in the days,

like when it's on, it's on. And it's always, that's always been synonymous like bumping uglies to me. I would never ask her if she wanted to bump uglies. No, that's too much. No. I couldn't be, let's go by the red box and then go bump uglies.

Go bump uglies. I'll do something that sounds gross. Yeah. But it is the kind of thing I would say at breakfast the next day to a group of gathered friends. Oh yeah. What'd you do last night? Wow. didn't i do i'll bump the ugly i took my ugly and you just asked you know i don't like it i took my ugly

i took my grumpy i took my ugly but bumping uglies is a fun one yeah it just sounds funny yeah and it sounds cumbersome but in a fun way like when you try to do something that doesn't quite work and then you both laugh yeah bumpin uglies is also one of the more honest like terms for sex yeah like because it is it can be ugly sometimes i think that unless you're like unless you're doing some crazy shit or i don't know what you would be doing. It's kind of ugly for a second. You're making weird faces. Weird. You're a weird angle.

It's July. Yeah. You know, like it can be, it ain't the, now that I'm older, there's been times where I'm like, I don't want to feel the way I'm going to feel afterwards.

So that's not tonight. It's one of those nights. And you feel like, well, let's do it anyways. You got one sock on and a long sleeve. You got some of that eye crust in your eyes from sleeping. Oh, God, from sleeping. Your breast sucks.

Sex is still fun. Bumpin' uglies. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. He's going to put bumpin' bugglies. Gaining carnal knowledge. Gaining? Gaining carnal knowledge. Isn't that where the term fuck came from?

I don't know. Forbidden, unlawful carnal knowledge. Did I where the term fuck came from i don't know forbidden unlawful carnal knowledge did i make that up i don't know i just think it's such a funny one and that's another like the next day kind of thing we're like oh yeah we we now have carnal knowledge of each other oh yeah carnal so the fuck is either from uh for unlawful carnal knowledge which is what they would put on the stocks if you were in prison there for it i guess For unlawful carnal knowledge, which is what they would put on the stocks if you were in prison there for it, I guess. Or they also said that it came from like,

pluck you or something like that. Like just the term fuck? The longboard, or the longboard, the longbowman in England. Longbow was the longboard of its time. It was the longboard of its time. Douchebags were used in those days. Yeah, douchebags and sandals.

douchebags were used douchebags yeah yeah yeah douchebags and sandals and uh the they would they would the bows were made out of you

and they would like pluck you or something like that but I that sounds fake to me I don't know all this stuff's fun though like all the

what is it etymology or what are the origins of all these things edamame yeah edamame delicious edamame edamame is what it is

edamame edibles I don't know if that's a combo that's gonna take off somebody will it's not too late Edamame. Delicious edamame. Entenmann's is what it is. Entenmann's and edamame. Edibles. I don't know if that's a combo that's going to take off. It's not too late. Yeah, I got you some Entenmann's and edamame. Somebody came up to me yesterday after the show. You want to drop some of you tonight?

In Sacramento, this dude comes up and he's like, hey, man. He introduced himself and he goes, doing an edible before you sat in the electric chair would be the dumbest thing you could ever do. It's just funny that he brought it up. I was like, I thought I made it through that. We're all saying. It seemed like wild to me too. The more I think about it, I'm like, that's

crazy that I didn't pick heroin or something. I picked doing a huge edible. You don't have to tip your hand. Yeah, gaining carnal knowledge. Gaining carnal knowledge gaining carnal knowledge sounds elegant you know carnal ghee deli yep carnal carnal ghee hall you know yeah st louis carnal's there you go sure yeah any more carnal corn oh carnal carnal mustard in the room with with the pipe. Yeah, with the pipe for sure. And Miss Peacock. Ethan Carnell?

Ethan Carnell? I hate that guy. Yeah, that guy's a bummer. I wouldn't make it 10 years with that guy. Gaining carnal knowledge. It also makes it sound like you're a role-playing character. John gained carnal knowledge. Even Carnell was in your driver's ed class.

Oh, yeah. And he was always trying to snap girls' bras. And everybody was like, dude, fucking chill. Ethan. What's wrong with you? Go be sick. This is why you have to go to class at the portables. What are the portables?

You don't have portables? You don't have portables? I don't think so. Well, that was where the bad kids were. They were like those trailers. Well, at our school, everyone went out to them. It was just we were overcrowded. It was like for schools to deal with overcrowding no so they're just like classrooms yeah basically like

a double wide with no furniture in it and then like a ramp coming up oh yeah we don't think we were overcrowded at all we had the 600s which is kind of where all the bad kids and like the kids that really weren't doing all that great went i was up i was up there a lot i was up in the old 600s shot Shot the 600 block. Do my nickel. Six deuce tray. 20th century American lit where they just sit there and don't teach you, and they're like, it's going to be a B if you don't do anything wrong. You're like, all right, I don't need an A.

No deal. I don't think so, Lyle Pearson. Gaining carnal knowledge. David, time for your second and third pick. Second pick, once again, very pedestrian, but I just i just like it once again i think it goes both ways and it's like easy because i found the older i get the less you're like into explaining shit you know what i mean yeah when you're when you're like 19 you're like and then i put my tongue on her clitoris you know like you're very you were like i was wondering where the clitoris was this whole time.

I mean, I get smart, Sean. When I was 19, I was like, and then I put a bunch of nachos on that chili stuff in a big gulp container because it's cheaper and you get more. Because, you know, it was taking a while to load that bang blower's clip. And then

I got the last Mountain Dew out of the 12-pack between me and Nampay. And then I asked my mom if she would loan me $200. A loan which would never be repaid. That's just funny. Oh, Shantzler's micro-loans from mom. Oh, man.

In 07. I got a new car one time like a break i leased it and my mom was sitting there she's like all right i'll make the first payment for you and i was like nah i got it you know i'm good and then i later that night even i was like cool is that still on the table it's like yeah so i was like i don't i can't I can't pay it. What were you thinking? That car got repossessed twice. Oh, yeah. Gnarly. Your boy wasn't always...

Boy. If you think I'm not responsible now, anybody out there? I don't think people think that of you. Well, Laura does. She listen? So my next... I don't know. I'm fixing it, though.

Going to the dentist, everything's lining up. Yeah. Anyway, that's all off topic. I apologize. That was all good. My second pick is Fool Around. Fool Around! I love Fool Around.

I didn't even think of that one. I love how fun it is. I love just what it denotes. I love to say it actively, to be like, let's go fool around. I assume that people don't fuck when they fool around. But I guess it's a... I feel like it's all encompassing. Yeah, but it is.

That's a good one. I don't know. Sometimes I do just like, hey, you want to go do some stuff. It sounds cooler than saying you want to go do some mouth stuff. Yeah, that's true. You want to go play mouth. You want to give each other a mouth shot? Play mouth.

I forgot about that. That was the last time Emma was on, right? We were talking about playing mouth. Man want to give each other a mouth shot? Play mouth. Oh, I forgot about that. That was the last time Emma was on, right? We were talking about plain mouth. Man, I don't. So gross. I don't remember. It's so gross sounding. No, yeah.

Hold around. It is. It is cute. It's also kind of hot. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely, it's a fun thing to say when you're kind of gussied up at the bar, especially like if you got a hotel room and you know it's going to go around.

You know what I mean? Do you have a, hey, sir, do you guys want another round of drinks? No, we're going to go fool around. Yeah. Not necessary. And then you're like, I'll be there to fool around in a second.

I'm plenty drunk enough. Yeah. I'm three quarters Edwin, and I'm quite frankly, I don't need to say goodbye to another quarter. I'd like to hang on to my fourth quarter. I already have a hero's effort in front of me. That shit would be so funny.

Well, you see, bartender, I can't have another drink because I will not be able to get a boner later. It's a thin line I have to have between getting the courage to have sex with this woman and having the physical capacity for it yeah and i will be thanking the orgasm tonight sir i tried i've been trying to do a bit about how i've had uh like more than enough times where i haven't been able to rock up you know yeah nobody

the second i do it i can tell the whole crowd they're like oh man and i'm like it's because you know it's well it's but it's like i'm'm trying to it's it's a personal joke and it's not that's not it doesn't go gross or anything it's just uh i thought it ended up being funny but most of america's have spoken and they disagree you thought about writing a better joke for it yeah i'm still giving it a shot yeah hopefully hopefully i'll have a good version of it if it's so good it'll make people admit that they've done it. That's one thing dudes will be like, I've never. Well, that's the thing.

That's kind of part of it. Not one time. Like, it just happens sometimes. Sometimes, I know dudes. You don't want to just break? I won't throw any names out, but I know dudes who I guarantee it's never happened to. Because I tell them, and they're like, no. Every time.

I have not been able to after several go-arounds. Yeah. But I've never on the day of. Not on the spot. Not like... Oh, I have drugs. I used to get so nervous. Drugs, baby. Not even drugs or alcohol. Really? Yeah.

Psycho... What are you doing? Psycho drugs? So psycho. Psychotropics? I don't know what it is. Psychedelics. Take away pretty much all my sex drive. I don't know what it is psychedelics oh psychedelics take away pretty much all my sex drive oh

oh you know what yeah there was a time on mushrooms yeah when I was just like why are we doing this yeah I'd rather just be chill

there was a time on acid maybe a week ago yeah it was all good just a week ago it was all good just a week everybody

knocking their boots but uh yeah fooling around. Doing the mess around. And then your third pick? My third pick, pretty close to Sean's first pick. That wasn't your third pick? That was my second pick. Oh, shit. Yeah. I thought it was. My third pick was pretty close to Sean's second

pick, but I feel like this one, again, goes both ways a little better. I'm picking Bang. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Bang and Bone? I feel like, yeah, I feel like, like, you'll hear goes both ways a little better I'm picking bang oh yeah bang and bone I feel like like you'll hear more girls say I banged him than you'll hear say I boned him

that is a woman I wonder if it comes from finger banging being such a it just seems like something you can do to each other yeah you don't finger bone certainly don't finger boot knock not anymore finger boot knock finger boot knock. Not anymore. Not with that A. No, no.

Finger boot knock? You can't. Finger boot knock! Finger carnal? I guess. Oh, finger carnal sounds awful. Yuck city, bro. That's terrible.

That was terrible. Yuck, yuck city, bro. Sounds like the dad in your Sims character. Your Sims family. I'm finger carnal. Oh, gross. That weird Sims language. Oh, God, yeah. your sims family i'm finger carmel oh gross that weird sims language oh god yeah that sounds like muffled fuck noises uh the point is yeah i like bang i think bang's a good one i like banging i think you can say it in front of kids and not feel like a jackass or like say it in front of a

teen i didn't know what i mean like when a teen is around you don't want to be like people are fucking but you're like hey they bang it's cool man i'm a cool i'm cool you know i think i didn't used to know that bang meant sex because of like finger bang i didn't really thought it was specific that was just the one thing yeah there's a lot of terms i don't want to say any but there's a lot of terms i was like oh i didn't know that meant sex yeah we'll talk about it i don't think any of them are gonna get picked but yeah there yeah, there's a few. Very curious. Sweet with pickle juice. Yeah.

You didn't, you didn't, you couldn't, you couldn't clean that. Bang. Yeah. I think bang bus. Yeah.

Bang bus. Bang bros. Yeah. Bang bros. Huge. B-T-R-A. Huge part of my life. Growing up.

That was like, that was like the first porno site i think was like the bank what a horrible bus was the first one i think i want to horrible like for purposes of god that thing fucking on a bus man i had to tell open mic are like like eight nine years ago but i had to tell this dude that it wasn't real and he was like 15 years older than me then wow it's like a 45 year old man was he a wrestling fan he he had a lot of his own issues single dad of a lot of kids that might not have been his oh yeah the point is we were at the bar and he was like no some of that's real and i was like no dude it's you think that they're just

driving around Miami, picking up women on their way. She said she had to go to work. And then also she's your friend's hot stepmom. Yeah. And a naughty teacher. But somehow also Mr. Camel toe in the same week. Yeah.

And like the cops didn't get called immediately. And like this huge inconspicuous van or conspicuous. What are you just? It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild.

It's wild. Yeah. Banging. You don't pop it into my head today for some reason. The steel drum opening salvo from the girls gone wild videos. Oh, it was from those commercials. Yeah. For some reason I was thinking about like being up late and I was like,

Oh, you never see girls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. up late and I was like oh you never see girls our friend we got the hottest wettest coeds and can't do damn they are wet they had like a girls gone wild over at Micah's house I think it was girls gone wild three and

it just went missing one day sure and we're like somebody took which like somebody took this fucking thing yeah and one day our friend Gaty came up and he's like he walked in we all saw and uh one day our friend gady came up and he's like he walked in we all saw him we're in the kitchen and then out of like five minutes later he's like dude it was behind the tv and we're like no it wasn't brought it in you fucking lurker

at least i brought it back yeah i don't know i wish it wasn't there those things they uh if you own one they run their course pretty quick. Ridiculous. Yeah. Bang, dude. Sean, time for your third pick. Bang. I'm going to pick to lay with. You do say that a lot.

I do say that. You do say it. Yeah, yeah. And it's beautiful. It's Shakespearean. It's just funny. I don't know. It's just a funny one.

Most of these are funny. I'm going to probably pick one gross one. You lay with her until you get the little death. Yeah, yeah. Tell you what. La petite morte. Yeah. La petite morte.

Don't, I don't know. La petite morte. You know the crazy thing about the little death? What's the little death? I once faked my own murder. You know what I'm talking about? Bonne nuit. That's what the French call the orgasm,

is the little death, la petite mort. Well, Shakespeare used to go like to die, right? Is that where that came from? To die, perchance to live. That's what Tupac was talking about when he said, why am I dying to live if I'm just living to die? I grew up, but fuck it, screw up. But also he was saying, why am I dying to, why am I coming to live if I'm just living to die. I grew up, but fucking screw up. But also he was saying, why am I dying to, why am I coming to live?

Yeah. I'm just living to come. You're a poet, man. God, Fry's still writing shit like that in the Bahamas or wherever he is. Oh man, I just got in a talk with a lady about that New Orleans. About Tupac being alive still? Yeah, I was wearing a juice shirt and she was like I didn't really know it was late but she wanted to talk

for a long time about it she thinks he's alive? yeah everybody thinks he's alive I hope he's alive I don't think he is man I'd be sick give me a new album I'll work on it man I'll work every industry connect I have

I can't make any promises but I can promise you I'll try. I can promise you I'll try. Yes, to lay with. To lay with. To lay with. I do say a lot. That was not a criticism.

Oh, no, no, no. It is a kudos to your pick. Time for me to take my third and fourth picks as it is. Since we mentioned shakespeare i'll take the shakespearean one right now oh uh the beast with two backs damn it that's my favorite one ever that one is like i would have picked it first two backs out of i had to out of respect because that's you know yeah but yeah that sounds so sweaty yeah it's just it's the the beast part really it goes back to the 1400s or the 1500s.

Yeah. It's like slang from back then. It makes sense. If you think about it, when you're fucking someone, all you see are two backs and it just looks like a beast. I feel like you, I feel like in today's climate though,

I feel like you only, you only do that in certain countries. The beast with two backs. Like they're making the beast with two backs in like Brazil. They're not doing it in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Maybe not. I mean, I'll make the beast with two backs in, like, Brazil. They're not doing it in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Maybe not. I mean, I'll make the beast with two backs here every now and then. It's a much more beastly character in Kenosha, Wisconsin than it is in Brazil.

No, don't do that to our heartland. I'm from Wisconsin. I'm from South Dakota. I say what I want about the Midwest. Oh, okay. All right. Ain't nothing against Wisconsin. Or go ahead and say it about Sioux Falls.

I've been a part of that beast. Sioux Falls sucks, dude. How do you like that? Sioux Falls doesn't suck, but sometimes it's a more beastly creature. I told Adam Vinatieri that to his face when I was at the Super Bowl. Man, I still got to post that video. I told you I didn't know that was a video, right? He got as, oh yeah, you know, I sent that video.

So I ran a foul of Adam Vinatieri while I was at the Super Bowl. And you were making moves. I was making moves. I stopped him. I said, you there. You probably got sick because God wanted you to calm the fuck down a little bit. You there, stop drinking that dirty water out of a boot. You mongrel.

I chased away the coyote that was gnawing at a wound on his leg. As is the way with you South Dakotans. Hey, you there. And I said, will you record a video for my friend Sean? And yeah, he did. He said, January Jones, Adam Vinatieri, Sean Jordan. Two falls forever. And then we were talking about it, and I was like,

why do you want me to make that video? And I was like, well, Sean, we make fun of him because there's not a lot of famous people from South Dakota. And he got defensive. Of course he did. The same way Sean gets defensive. Of course he did. He was like, well, we're in Atlanta.

I mean, the whole city is like four times as big as the entire state. So like, you know. Same shit, dude. I didn't say what I wanted to say, which is Atlanta has way, Atlanta itself has way more than four times the amount of famous people in South Dakota. Oh, yeah, it's not really. Way more.

There's more people in the Dungeon family than are famous from South Dakota. But I didn't say anything because he's the greatest kicker of all time. There are more people in the Dungeon family that are famous from South Dakota. I'm saying. Future was in the Dungeon family. That's a rough pill. I've never had to swallow that one. Swallow and dry my tongue.

You do look somewhat dejected. That's a biscuit with no soda right there. No, no, no. The beast with two backs, dude. That's the best term. It's just great. It definitely is. And then I'm going to take my

fourth one. I think I can still take this. So I'm going to take this fourth one. This might be my last classy one. And I think I can, no, I can still take this. So I'm going to take this fourth one. This might be my last classy one. So I've taken all. That's why I took,

I took three pretty classy ones. I'm taking all classy ones so far. Knocking boots, bumping uglies, the beast with two backs. And I'm taking to know someone in the biblical sense. Yeah, dude. I like that one.

That's another one that you've picked. And I was, yep, someone in the biblical sense. Yeah, dude. I like that one. That's another one that you picked. And I was, yep, that is such a good one. Adam always used to say that when we were coming up. That's what, you always get a laugh. That's one that always gets a laugh. Like if you're at a party or something, you're like, well, I mean, we do know each other in the biblical sense. The biblical sense.

Yeah. That's a fun thing to say. Which means I got her pregnant without any. Without any... Had a stage of flood to get me and my animals out of there. Let's just say I parted the Red Sea. Mm-hmm. I get it.

Turned her into a pillar of salt. I get it. Now, give me a couple. You just did a party with an idiot. Give me a couple more. I don't know what you're talking about specifically. All right. Let's just say my bush is burning. Yeah. Okay. There couple more. I don't know what you're talking about specifically. Let's just

say my bush is burning. There you go. The biblical sense. Let's just say we did two of each type. The whale swallowed Jonah. And I spit him back out.

Do you feel me talking? Picking up what I'm putting down? Man, I smell you stepping in. Let's just say Father Abraham had many sons. Yeah. Let's just say

Cain covered his arms in the wool of a lamb to fool his blind father into thinking that he was able. I'm getting that right. Let's just say that Saul turned into Paul on the road

to Dataskis. You know what I'm talking about? I'm only familiar with the Old Testament. Read the room, David. Read the fucking room. That was pretty tight. No, it's over in the biblical sense, man. Sean,. That was pretty tight. No, it's over the biblical sense, man.

Yeah. Sean, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick, I guess this might be my first gross one. And I really don't say it a lot, but I do love it. And it's going to be trading paint. Oh, man. I didn't have to silence everyone. I mean, you didn't.

You thought that was going to elicit like. You threw your water bottle at me last time I said it. My thing. I don't like it at all. I wouldn't. It's just funny. What's crazy to me is like, I never knew this was like a term for actual fucking. Because trade and paint is like when NASCARs hit each other.

Race cars hit each other. There was one of the energy drink companies. It's such a violent act. It's so violent. This was like an end joke me and my buddies had. Probably shout out to Nick Nampe. I think he was in on it. Not in the room.

Not on the podcast. Not in the state. Me buddy. Me buddy. Me buddy. Me buddy. Me buddy Nick. Me buddy Snow. Me buddy. The one MC shot. Sir Daddy. Sir Daddy him Snow. Me buddy Sno Me buddy. Me buddy. Me buddy. Me buddy Nick. Me buddy Snow.

Me buddy. The one MC Sean. Sir Daddy him Snow. Me buddy Snoop Lion. No, I think my buddy Graham, Dan, you know these dudes. They're great. Like Mountain Dew energy drink put out, like Mountain Dew trade and paint. It was like a NASCAR thing.

And we were just like, what is trading paint? And then we came up with the idea. Some type of citrus. That it's like a thing that like really conservative NASCAR dudes will do. Because when they go to the race and there's no women there, where they just will jack off on each other. And they're like, it's not gay, it's trading paint. Yeah, because they're just like a part.

They're not touching each other. Right, right, right, right. But it's like, it stimulates them. So that's what we came up with. So i hear trade and paint i think of that but also i think of a time when i thought that was the funniest thing possible that is up there with the funniest thing possible paint yeah picture and just did like a ton of dudes in a nascar yeah hey man i don't see i don't see anyone around here jacket You guys want to go trade some paint, get some nachos? Act like we're in Pelican Bay for a fucking... Yeah, it's wild.

Trade and paint. Yeah. Trade and paint. Gross. It's gross. It's gross. It's just funny to me. And as soon as I found out what that was...

What's the paint? You know, the stuff. I guess it's just running into each other. Juices. Just various juices. Yeah. Whatever's in Just various juices. Yeah. Whatever's in the pressure cooker, man. Whatever you throw in. I think we're doing different stuff.

Yeah, I'm out here like a grown-up, you know? I guess so. Having things. Boning. Big Bear. Big Bear, do him thanks. Big Bear, chase me. David, time for your fourth and your final pick, as it is. Serpentine Draft. My fourth pick, I think it's kind of old-timey,

and it's just vulgar enough that it gives like... I like Screw. Oh! I like Screw. Because you can... I screwed her. He screwed me. We were screwing.

We were screwing, see? Threw her a screw. Yeah. She let me... It's just i like it because it's just kind of it's kind of edgy once again though you can say it at work you know yeah i mean i can say whatever i want at work i also think it's like funny because like uh-huh the kind of motion of the sex unit if you actually screw yeah oh yeah it's very like a helicopter and then rotate around your hips and then pull it out and put it back in like and rotate around your hips honestly we're like the other type that i guess i probably could have picked at this point but what like electric oh yeah yeah yeah but that's also a term well bang got taken yeah but like but like when you're

you're banging in uh you know what i'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I use that just for like... I use that not for... This one's better. Screw's better. I like screw. I like screw.

I like saying screw you. I like saying we were screwing. I don't know. It's very funny. If you say we... Yeah, I screwed her. It's so funny. You sound like somebody like an after school special

from the 70s you're trying to be real cool or like a cop like interrogating you guys what did you do after the bar

you screw I went to the bar trying to find somebody to screw yeah that's like the shitty guy who has some knowledge that you need

and he's just being real open with you I mean I was trying to find someone to screw I like to screw Jesus you look like a young guy you're probably out there screwing every night I mean, I was trying to find someone to screw. I like to screw. Jesus. Sue me.

You look like a young guy. You're probably out there screwing every night. Yeah. You little screw happy lunatic, huh? Yeah. It's so funny. I think screw is like such a fun. I don't think we use it nearly as much. I feel like I only hear like older women use it.

Yeah. Or older dudes use it. And I like it when people use it. I bet you Screwin' makes it into my lexicon a little more now after this. I hope so. It seems funny. Screwin' is cool. Screwin' McJack. It just changed my last pick actually too. Whoa. Okay.

Just the one that's way funnier than everybody. The butterfly effect, you know? Don Ripple's over here. Great fucking movie. I knew you were going to say that. You love that movie. You love Ash McCutcheon. I love that line line you remember that in hot tub time machine where they're talking he's like oh it's like the butterfly effect and rob cordridge it's in the other room he's like that's a great fucking movie he's dead serious it's so funny oh it's so funny uh screw dude screw you dude and your final pick my final pick gotta go

with what the kids are saying and i like like it. I like seeing it on Twitter. I like saying it. I'm going with Smash. Smash is good, man. So Smash I thought was bad at first. But now that you're like, no, it's a lot more lighthearted than I thought it was. No, it is. It's not like some of these other ones.

It's just like we're smashing. Is it not from Jersey Shore? I think so. But I think it's been adopted. I thought you were going to say Smush. They said Smash. But it's been adopted now I thought you were going to say smush. They said smash. But it's been adopted now. I thought it was the smush room.

Well, they might have. But they always said smash. They'd be like, is this smash, bro? Yeah, this is smash, too. But I feel like now it's a little cuter. I feel like it's downplayed some of the aggression out of it or something. I just think of it as like, yeah, just like smash or not. Yeah, smash.

Yeah. No, I think it's funny. I used to not, as I just said. But as like a, yeah, just like smash or not. Yeah. Smash. Yeah. No, I think it's funny. It's I used to not, as I just said, but I, I like it now. It sounds like what happens when you can't get it up. Smash it. Smash it in there. I don't. Well, that's smushing.

That's smushing. That's smushing. You just duct tape a popsicle stick to it. Smushing, pushing rope. It's not gym class. It's not gym class. She didn't come to ring the bell at the top. You do your duty.

Smashed. You smash? Yeah, smash is fun. Everybody says it. Also a pretty good show on NBC for a minute with Cat McPhee in it, right? I don't remember. Is it drama? Is it a dramatic show? It's about Broadway. Cat Burger. Oh, yeah, I remember. Smash Burger, you got drama. It's a dramatic show. It's about Broadway. It's about Broadway. I remember.

Yeah, Smash Burger. You got to. Yeah, I like Smash. Yeah. I like Smash. It just sounds using it like that's the term for sex. Like, instead of saying, I like sex, you're like, oh, yeah, I like Smash. It's fine.

Yeah, go Smash and Dash. Yeah. Why don't you Dash, Dave? Smash and stay. Call me Mrs. Dash. And raise that child. Smash and stay call me Mrs. Dash and raise that child smash and stay they call me they call me Mrs.

Dash because I'm out in a pinch you know what I'm talking about I don't know who that was laughing just there but yeah that was funny I know I laughed like a lunatic I didn't tell another tell another. Oh, tell another.

What? Is that how you think fancy people laugh? You're a house of horrors sometimes. Those noises that come out of you. The noises you make. I'd hate to hear you smash. God. What's that?

It's Mickey Mouse, dude. Oh, my God. It feels so good. Oh, God. All right, Sean, you don't get your last pick. what's that it's Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse yeah oh my god it feels so good oh god alright Sean you don't get your last pick I was waiting for this to happen

took 120 episodes I was waiting to get one taken away Sean your final pick that'd be a fun thing to be able to take a pick away from someone oh I can't

alright I'll do my final pick right now you lost yours no let me do it damn I know you could do it to Shane you were instrument in your own demise I know my last pick's now. You lost yours. No, let me do it. Damn! I know you could. Do it to Shane. You were instrumenting your own demise.

I know. My last pick's going to be Hoochie Coo. I thought it was Hoochie Coochie. Hoochie Coo. You know that song, rock and roll, Hoochie Coo? But it's like my mom always used to say it when the cats were having sex. When we bust the cats having sex, she'd say, oh, don't go in there. The cats are Hoochie Coo.

How often were your cats fucking each other? A lot. We had 13 cats at one time. What? I had no idea. Yeah, they were all in my room, hoochie cooing. Hoochie cooing on my waterbed. Wait, is that what would happen?

They would... They had sex all the time. Did you know all their names? Is this going to be like Good Will Hunting where he's like billy bobby tommy randy he does and he gets it right both times he doesn't really have any there was cupcake alex alex gray francois pierre francois samantha peter bandit uh get through it those are the only what was that eight that's what i remember

we had 13 at one point so what was the francois pierre franco I guess, is my first... Couple of Haitian cats. My mom was getting sweet with the pickle juice, naming these cats. Couple of Haitian cats! For sure. That's what I say when I'm going to go beat someone's ass.

Who are you coming with? Couple of Haitian cats? Couple of Haitian cats? You're not trying to see the smoke, dude. He's got them in his backpack. John rolled through with a couple of Haitian cats. Yeah, I don't know what he thought was going to happen. Francois and Pierre Francois. Pierre Francois.

Like the Matrix twins. Yeah, dude. Hoochie Coo? Yeah, Hoochie Coo? yeah Hoochie Coo I've never heard that used in a sex film I've heard rock and roll Hoochie Coo I assumed Hoochie unless my mom was wrong I don't think she was

I didn't look this up it wasn't going to be my last pick until David just picked through did you ever see that movie Juice where he was like I was with Donna Bromwell and where he was like, I was with Donna Bromwell and they were like, what were you doing with Donna Bromwell? And he's like, we were doing the hoochie coochie, my friend. Okay, so yeah, maybe it is. Also, I think

about that song, way down yonder on the channel. It gets hotter than a hoochie coochie. I thought they were saying a hoochie coochie, so like a prostitute's vagina. Oh, that might be it because I'm way off I'm probably not

because that song was on the radio now I wonder if that's where the term hoochie came from and I'm just now I'm remembering the term hoochie

because it's been gone forever I don't know man I think I'm the least reliable on this one yeah I don't know either it's me building a fiction in my head

in Beaverton, Oregon I'm just talking I don't know anyone I always knew that a hoochie my mom would say hoochie mama yeah I don't know either. It's me building a fiction in my head in Beaverton, Oregon. I'm just talking. I don't know anyone. I always knew that a hoochie, my mom would say hoochie mama. Yeah. Nothing but a hoochie mama. A hoochie mama. Yeah.

Yeah. Man, that was funny. Yeah, hoochie coo. If I'm wrong, people call me out, but I don't think, I think it is. If I'm wrong, may God strike me. Right now. I'm going to Google it right now. Hoochie cooing.

All right, time for my final pick. What do you got? I'm going to take it. Like a schtupping. Yeah, you got to take it right now. Gucci Kuhn. All right. Time for my final pick. I'm going to take it. Like a schtupping. Yeah, you got to take it. Yeah. Of course you do. No, I know no one else was going to take it.

And you say it. It's great. I do say schtupping. Yeah. It's one of the more inelegant terms for sex. No, no. I think it's fine. Yeah.

It doesn't sound gross or anything. I think it just sounds like, you know, your everyday kind of. Yeah. Like, well, you know. Yeah, we schtupped. It's Thursday. We had meatloaf. And then we schtupped. I don't know, your everyday kind of. Yeah. Like, well, you know. We had meatloaf. It's Thursday. We had meatloaf. And then we stupped.

I don't know. What do you want? Yeah. Tomorrow's Friday. Maybe we'll have sex tomorrow. Stripping to the oldies. Strips down all the artifice and elegance of it. Well, what'd you do?

We kept our shirts on and stupped. Stupped. Yeah, exactly. The shirts stay on for a stupped. A lot of people don't know this. Back in college, I was on a stupped team. You were on a stupped team? I was on a stupped team. I felt a thigh, dude. We were stay on for a stoop. A lot of people don't know this. Back in college, I was on a stoop team. You were on a stoop team? I was on a stoop team.

I felt a thigh, dude. We were on the stoop team. I felt a thigh. Still room for those old-fashioned jokes. Step team. Yeah, stooping. It's Yiddish. It's Yiddish for fucking.

I gathered. I stooped a shiksa. I like a term for utility fucking. Yeah, and stooping is for sure. Yeah, I don't think they should all have the razzle-dazzle. Like, why are you so nervous? Why haven't you stooped in like three days? No.

You have a big meeting coming up. You know, I get weird when I talk in front of people. Knockin' boots is not stooping. Because I think sex is a commodity right now, and we need to pull back from that. We need to not make it so like a thing you can buy. You just stoop. Sometimes. No, you just stop. Sometimes you just wish to up.

I stopped my wife. I go to work. I love it. You know? Yeah. But it's not anything. It's there's no razzle dazzle. Nobody's bleaching assholes.

No, no, they're not stopping. That's a 7am. Fuck on a work day. Well, yeah, get it done before the kids get up.

Or while they're up and you're just like, come on. Let's just, they're good. They're fine down there. What do we need to be standing in the kitchen for when they're in the living room? No, Peppa Pig just started. That wraps it up. Yeah. See, that was funny.

It wraps it up. David, you started, you took having sex and then fooling around. that wraps it up yeah see that was funny it wraps it up David all like a condom David you started you took having sex and then fooling around banging screwing and smashing

god I sound man I don't know where that guy's from that guy he's one of those military kids he's from all over I am very vanilla

about sex so I like it pretty regular I'm with you too man I got a joke. I'll be into the hits. Now, that's what I call sex volume one. Yeah, man. I don't need the bells or the whistles, man.

I mean, sometimes I want a couple whistles on it. I've been getting weirder lately. Yeah. I don't know. It comes with comfortability. Yeah. It comes with animity, and then it comes with comfortability. Yeah.

And when people get out, you start to get confident and ask for what you want want not in a mean or bad way you're just like yeah this is what i'd prefer to be doing pickle juice now and i sweet the pickle juice thank john you went second you took boning gaming carnal knowledge to lay with trade and paint and then who's she killing that sounds like it doesn't i'm just gonna say it sounds like it sounds like a hate cry i had more drinks as that list went on is what it sounds like did you hear about that dominican family that moved in the neighbors who she cooed him does it sound sounds gnarly stood up next to the other ones makes it sound even worse like who'd you when you took who'd you call on your own in my head was like was like, well, I don't like that,

but I'm sure that's a sure people say it. I wasn't gonna until David said, screw. What were you going to take before that? Uh, I forget. Let me know. I went last and I took a knocking boots,

bumping uglies, the beast with two backs to know someone in the biblical sense. And then stupid. Yeah. To know someone in the biblical sense. And then stupid. Yeah. To know someone in the Old Testament. In the Old Testament sense? That. Oh, that's a joke.

We left some good stuff on the board. Hump is what I was going to pick instead of Virginia. Yeah. Hump is good. Get it on. Get it on is great. Taking someone to pound town. My uncle used to say put the screws to.

Oh, beat guts. That's a gnarly one. Yeah. That one is. I never felt felt right putting the screws to doesn't mean sex it means pressuring someone my uncle would say he would say that he's like did you put the screws to and I'm like Bill it's not how you say it um dick and down

did you get my money back dick and down throw the dick around is another funny making babies making love slang dick riding the baloney pony I had to hide the salami you get my money back? Dicking down is a good one. Dicking down, throw the dick around is another funny, but these are like gender specific. Making love. Slang dick. Riding the baloney pony. I had to hide the salami. That's from Grumpy Old Man, so I couldn't do it.

Yeah, dude. Honking on Bobo. Oh, there's another one. That's an Aerosmith album. There was another like elegant sort of sounding one. I didn't have any crazy, I don't really use

crazy terms for sites. Engage in sexual Congress. Ah, gorgeous. Yeah. Then you got to let the electoral college watch. Yeah. It's a whole thing.

I get it. That's why we're outside, man. Yeah. We're outside boning. Uh, I'll be stroking. I love that song.

Um, to the east. I mean, that'll buy a rapper, rapper up. That won't hear yours To the east. I mean, that'll probably wrap her up. We want to hear yours. We want to hear yours, bud. Send us yours at AllFantasyPod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com is our email.

Shout out to everyone on the Patreon. Seriously, shout out. I forgot to do that, too. I have a whole list of shit I forgot to do. Oh, good, baby. Last time was... You don't have to call back to your failures. Yeah.

I just need to teach myself a lesson because I'm stupid. But you don't need to call back to your failures yeah I just need to teach myself a lesson because I'm stupid but you don't need to do it in front of everybody you do this afterwards baby yeah just do it privately in front of David and me yeah

we'll get Zach in here by the time you're hearing this the mailbag will be out so hopefully you're enjoying that Patreon members it stays

popping in the slack get up in there we're going to do it on the watch along soon shout out to everyone Patreon members. It stays popping in the Slack. Get up in there. We're going to do another watch along soon. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. There it is. Shout out to super producer Marissa. Seriously, she's amazing.

On the ones and twos somewhere. Pride of Toronto, Canada. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. There they go. Shout out to Haji Beach. Shout out to Haji Beach. Shout out to Taylor Swift, man.

Shout out to Richard Marks for getting me through these plane rides. Shout out to Richard Marks. That's the one you've been wanting the whole time. You know, he's married to fuck. Also, shout out to Daisy Fuentes. Richard Marks is married to Daisy Fuentes. Do you remember who Daisy Fuentes is? Of course I remember. Can you picture Richard Marks? Not that that's what it's about. I'm sure they're in love. It was a glow for Richard Marks then and it's a glow for Daisy Fuentes now. I don't know. Richard Marks then, and it's a glow for Daisy Fuentes now. I don't know. Richard Marks still looks pretty handsome.

He does, but his hair back in the 80s was just gnarly. I mean, anyway, they probably didn't even know each other, but it's just shout out to both of them. Friends of the show. Friends. Big time friends of the show. Big time. Should I have to say this too, Carmel?

Hopefully you didn't listen to any of this episode. And more important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Shagackity! That was a Hate Gum podcast.