All Fantasy Everything - The Mall (w/ David Gborie and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: November 3, 2016

In the eight episode and we're drafting the mall. Not specific malls, just the mall. You'll see. Host Ian Karmel is joined by stand-up comedians/mall-stars David Gborie and Sean Jordan. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another all-new episode of All Fantasy Everything. I am your host, Ian Carmel. And today, ladies and gentlemen, I am joined by Sean Jordan and David Borey, two very funny stand-up comedians. And we have convened in the HeadGum Studios today to fantasy draft malls. Yup. Yes. Yup. Yes.

Yup. So let's introduce. So excited. So excited for this. It's a topic that the three of us are very passionate about. First, let's introduce the guest, Sean Jordan from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Best city in the world, dude. And then made his way to Portland, Oregon.

Yeah. What do you rank that one? I mean, it's a close second. Close second. uh now a citizen of los angeles california performing stand-up comedy uh you probably heard him on doug loves movies you've probably seen him doing stand-up comedy all over the place you can follow him on twitter at i at sean s jordan or on instagram at sean cougar melon jordan that's correct you can you were saying you could do that with any name you can't eat a cougar melon caramel that's correct I just like hearing it it's such a fun one

you were saying you could do that with any name you can, Ian Cougar Melon Carmel oh my god Ian Cougar Melon Carmel Cougar Melon Carms I love that dude Cougar Melon Carms for the rest of the night dog I love how he went by Johnny Cougar

and the Cougar was completely fake. Yeah. And then he was just like, I'm going to go by my real name, guys, John Mellencamp. And he was like, but I can't lose that Cougar, baby. It's too good. You got people calling you Cougar. You can't just like turn your back on that. Rolling through with a party named Cougar.

Yeah, like that's incredible. Yesterday we were talking about Jon Bon Jovi and we were just wondering if anybody has ever said like Jonathan Bon Jovi and Richard Sambora just some super pretentious MC ladies and gentlemen Jonathan Bon Jovathan and Richard St. Sambora that Richard one like oh yeah I do Richard Sambora. That Richard one, like, oh, yeah, I do Richard Sambora's taxes, so I mean, I'm up there. It's actually Richard. One day he rolls in, like, guys, it's Richard now. They're like, get out of here. Go change it back to Richie, and then we'll record.

Did I ever tell you my idea for a knockoff autograph company? It's a knockoff autograph company, and you sell autographs that are pretty close. So instead of Jon Bon Jovi, you sell a guitar signed by Bon Jon Jovi. Whoa, you're going to make a million dollars. And see if anyone notices, like, wait a minute, Bon Jon Jovi. I don't think anybody would notice. Because you can't read signatures anyways.

That's genius. Exactly. All sales are final, by the way. That other voice you're hearing right now is David Borey. Yeah. From Denver originally. Yes, sir. Then made his way to the Bay Area.

Yes, sir. And now a fellow citizen of Los Angeles. I'm an Angeleno. Los Angeleno. One of the angels in the city of angels. Yeah, baby. Amazing stand-up comedian. You've seen him on MTV.

You've seen him all over the place doing stand-up. You can follow him on Twitter at TheGIsSil Silent, which I have to say is the best Twitter name. No, I'm never moving. It's the best Twitter name. It worked out so well for me. Because your name starts with a G, but it's pronounced Borey. Yeah. And then on top of it, The G is Silent.

A lot of the best rap lyrics say The G is Silent. They talk about how rappers who are very not silent people, they talk a lot for a living in fact. But real G's move in silence like lasagna. Which is my favorite two things, rap and lasagna.

People call you the Garfield of stand-up comedy. I've been known to hate Mondays. You can also follow you on Instagram at CoolGuyJ87, which says it all. Yeah, it's really everything you need to know about what I got going on. He's a cool guy. Right there. You got jokes.

You were born in 87. You know, man. And you got 87 cool jokes. And I got 87 cool jokes. I'm quitting after 88. 87 ways to change the game, dude. 87 lighters on the dresser. Yes, sir.

87 bullets in the clip. So you can see Sean at Liquid Laughs, by the way, November 17th through the 20th in Boise, Idaho. If you're in Boise, get your shit together and go see him. You can see David Borey at the New York Comedy Festival, November 6th. Now, no further reason to dally, gentlemen. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. What we're going to do right now is determine the draft order the way we do here on All Fantasy Everything,

with a tense, high-stakes game of rock, paper, scissors between Sean and David. This is rock, paper, scissors, shoot. So you throw it on shoot. Two out of three, or are we just going one and done? We're just doing one and done. Oh, shit. This is the Super Bowl, not the NBA Finals, all right? Football rules, okay?

All right, so let's get to it whenever you're ready. All right. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Woo! Knew it! Boy, take it! Sean Jordan with rocks over scissor. Man.

I have to say, the seat you're sitting in almost always wins, the rock, paper, scissors. I can feel it. Yeah. I was like channeling past fucking drafters. All right. You felt the ghost. Yeah. The ghost whispered rock into your it. Yeah. I was like channeling past fucking drafters. All right. You felt the ghost. Yeah. The ghost whispered rock into your ear.

The ghost of scissors past. So David, as the winner, it is upon you to determine the draft order. And I invite you to do so now. I'm going to have to say me first. You first. I got to say Sean's second. Sean's's second because I feel like he's real strong. I just saw his list and it was mad long. Sean's list has footnotes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's written on paper, but you can click links on it still somehow. I feel like you have a lifetime of mall experiences. There's some blood on it. There's some blood on it. It was torn out of the hands of a lesser man. I had to walk down Skid Row to make this list. That's part of the deal.

All right, fantastic. So without further ado, the very first pick of the All Fantasy Everything Mall Edition belongs to David Boy. You're on the clock, my friend. I'm going first and foremost out of the gate. I'm going Outlet Malls. Outlet Malls. I'm going first and foremost out of the gate, I'm going outlet malls. Outlet malls.

Motherfucking U.S. Polo Association. $4 for a six-pack of fancy socks. I'm going Orin Julius Warehouse. That's what. That where you go get the powder? Yeah, where you just get the powder. You make it at home. And I got my Nutribullet from the Kitchen Made fucking outlet.

Outlet malls are strong. I have to remind everyone listening that everything involving malls is in play. And outlet malls, I didn't expect that to go first, but that is a strong pick. It's because everybody sleeps on it, but every time you go to an outlet mall, you come up crazy.

Yeah. Because it's so cheap. I buy like dish towels. Like shit, I didn't even know. Yeah, stuff you're like, oh, I need that. I didn't know that I needed that, but like I got this. Right. You walk into an outlet mall not knowing what you're in for.

You walk out with like a tea kettle. Dude, I remember one summer I worked like all summer. There was this outlet mall in Castle Rock outside of Denver. I worked all summer because I just wanted some Air Force Ones going back to school. Yeah. And I went to the nike outlet mall and they had all the crazy colors yeah that nobody at school had i got like three pairs there is a lm on centralia washington i've been there i've been to that outlet and there's a nike factory

outlet in that yeah and they have like that's the i was just talking to uh nathaniel friedman aka free darko when i was up in portland aka.k.a. Bethlehem Shoals. And he was telling me, because he's worked with Nike a bunch, he was telling me the Centralia outlet is the one where they also send all their never worn return stuff.

So like, they get like real good shit up there. You'll get like unique, like crazy colorways, like limited edition drops. Like you can go to the Centralia outlet, and this is a hot tip for anyone going between Portland and Seattle. You can go in there and get limited run. They only put out 250 of them, like Air Jordans and shit like that.

See, man. Yeah. Outlet malls are so – because you got to – it's like everybody thinks it's for fat moms or whatever. Yeah. No, shout out to the fat moms out there oh we love fat moms yeah i'm not out here like that's that's my wheelhouse i sort of consider myself a fat mom yeah i'm not i haven't been given the gift of birth but like yeah i feel like i got like a fat mom rising like you're on the hot uh fat moms 30 under 30 list yeah yeah yeah oh man

you didn't even know i didn't even know what an outlet mall was until i was like six well like 13 probably because i grew up in sioux falls yeah there was we just didn't i mean we there was just the one mall there was one big places yeah there's never a normal spot there was one on the way up to minneapolis yeah stopped at shakape i think and uh yeah that like we would get old navy there before we had an Old Navy in town even. Yeah. It's like it was a treat for us to go get trashy shit. That was the closest place the Old Navy had set up shop.

That's the only harbor they docked in. I was like, dog, check this hoodie out. And they're like, that's Old Navy, dude. I'm like, yeah, no, hot, right? Yeah. That's like my brand new Old Navy school, dude. Why are – yeah, the outlet mall is in Oregon. There's one like 40 miles outside of Portland on the way to Salem?

Dude, Beardwood or Woodburn. We always go to Beardwood. But yeah, we used to go get skate shoes there. And then there's one like at the beach. What is that? Like, I feel like it's like, so are these people out in the middle of nowhere, just super fresh and nobody knows? I don't know. Yeah.

Are there like people walking around stunting in Woodburn, Oregon? Whenever I go to the outlet, whenever i go out to the outlet mall like because there was one in san francisco like out way outside like vacaville yeah it doesn't look like people from there it all looks like people who came from the city to cop a deal it probably is they just drive out there and go shot and you make a day out of it i don't want to step on any of their pics but like there's a lot of mall stuff that i will make a day out of when i go like we would go to this to the outlet mall in woodburn and just that you know it was our day we'd go to a skate park i'll buy like three pairs of skate shoes yeah yeah i wonder if there's a rule that says they

have to be x amount of distance from like that from the big stores that sell that stuff where if it's like you know the lane bryant outlet cannot be within 40 miles of any parking lot of the mall they're like don't even go in. Just get right here. Yeah. Well, because I think about it. Like, I would never, if I could go to an outlet mall all the time, I would never. Why would I go to Nike Town where everything's $700?

If you could get the same product for way cheaper. If I could get the same shit out in the cut. Especially with, yeah, sorry, Sean, go ahead. I'm just going to sound like an asshole, but if I had the money I would spend, I would buy stuff in an expensive store. Over an outlet mall. I mean. I'm just going to sound like an asshole, but if I had the money I would spend, I would buy stuff in an expensive store over an outlet. I mean, I know I would. I would do that when I got new money just for the culture, but then once I settled into being a rich guy, I would go back to my outlet.

I'm with that. That's how you stay rich. I'm with that, yeah. That's how you stay rich is the outlet. Especially with stuff like socks, you know, like underwear. All my boxer briefs are like Sue Carmel's hitting the outlets, you know, on her way to the casinos in Lincoln City. She's like, let me – can I hook you up? And I've just got like all these Under Armour boxer briefs.

Shout out to Under Armour boxer briefs, by the way. Can I say shout out to Casual Male XL for their in-store boxer briefs? I love Casual Male XL. Crazy. I'm wearing them right now. Those are my favorite boxer briefs. Casual Male XL. They've been an integral part of my life.

Yeah, it's a big deal. I was looking for tall tees one time. A large tall tee. So I go to Casual. Back when you were in the Crips? Yeah. A whole other podcast. I was getting ready to go to that D4L concert.

I was looking for tall tees to wear. And so I go in. I was like, hey, do you guys have extra tall, large tall tees? And he goes, we got 4XL t-shirts. That's a huge difference, dog. I would be such a ghetto gown on me if I put on a 4XL t-shirt. You would look like White Dame Dash. Absolutely.

You'd never wear the same 4XL twice. You know what I mean? Oh, my goodness. That's actually also my goal. You'd never wear the same 4XL twice, you know what I mean? Oh my goodness. That's actually also my goal. Never wear the same 4XL twice. It comes from a different place. I'm hoping to never wear the same 4XL ever again. But there were days.

Man, that's how it goes. Because you don't want that. You don't want it to be too young. You don't want the tight fit on the 3XL. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want it to be too young. You don't want the tight fit on the 3XL. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want it to be too young. I mean, I used to wear some big... I had size 38 cross colors when I was in sixth grade.

Man. 38 waist cross colors. That's what I wear. And cross colors were huge anyways. And they were turquoise. These motherfuckers were turquoise. You had turquoise cross colors. Turquoise.

Size 38 cross colors. Man. You and Alonzo Mourning were wearing the same pants. I bet he was. I bet he was. Yeah. That dude loved turquoise. His fade was way tighter, but me and Zoe had the same.

When Alonzo was on the Hornets, he had those team-issued cross colors. Oh, my God. The team-issued cross colors. He just liked that and the Muggsy Bogues jersey. No shirt underneath. Muggsy Bogues was in the cross colors. Muggsy Bogues jersey. No shirt underneath. Muggsy Bogues was in the cross colors. He was in one of the pockets. Just diamond.

Just passing him his car keys and shit. Bogues, let me get the keys to the range. I'm going to lead you on this one. How come they never had a cartoon like Bogues and Zoe? Bogues and Zoe and Grandmama and Larry Johnson. And Larry Johnson was a savage. He had a gold tooth. What a motherfucker.

I know. He did. He had that fucking Lawrence Taylor. And a part in the middle. A middle part. And Rex Chapman plays their mean boss. Oh, man. That would be such a good show.

Them as children. That would be somebody, in fact, copyright patent pending, David Borey. Hollywood. You should pitch that show to Adult Swim right now. Just set in their heyday? Oh, man. Set in their heyday like a, what was it, the cartoon all-stars or whatever? It was like Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that kind of thing. But like a way less heroic version of it. And like Larry Johnson's always like getting in fights. He's like the Ruffio. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like they have to try to figure out. Yeah, they got to calm him down all the time.

Larry. Larry Johnson, calm down. Don't do this. Muggsy and Alonzo have to figure out how to get Larry Johnson out of the King of Diamonds strip club in Atlanta. Oh my God. Because he spent more money than he had. You guys are almost changing my next pick, but you're not.

But it's almost, I got a pick that might come up later that is going to heavily involve what we're talking about. Speaking of which, David Borey went outlet malls with the first pick. Up top. Up top. Now it is time for Sean Jordan to make his first pick, the second pick of the first round of the All Fantasy Everything malls draft. All right, we're going to go for the second pick. the first round of the All Fantasy Everything Malls Draft. All right.

We're going to go for the second pick. We're going to go Disc Jockey. Disc Jockey? What's Disc Jockey? See, I was wondering. No, this is fun. So it's like FYE. Oh.

Sam Goody. Let's take Sam Goody, Tower Records. So let's count this as the CD record stores in the malls. Well, yeah, like CD store, just where you could go in and listen to music. Yeah. And I would just go poke around in the hip-hop section just so people looked at me and knew that I listened to rap. That was one of my big things. They couldn't tell by the size 38 turquoise cross-coats?

I just really wanted to drive the point home. Like, look at these pants, dude. You just noticed me over here. Now, Disc Jockey, was that like, I mean, God, there noticed me over here now disc now disc jockey was that like i mean god there were so many of those records yeah it was they also have movies and like posters and stuff like that was one of those that was a big part of it like going in and just looking at like you know almost naked women on the posters i love that they had a big portfolio you could get that poster that said like goals and it would be a garage with like six lamborghinis with the chainsaw

yeah oh man that was a classic and then buying a couple and like having those oddly in your room and you're like telling girls like uh yeah that's my m&m poster that's my thought it'd be a lot tighter that's uh that's cartman yeah yeah that's cartman from south park i keep them next to each other there's cartman dressed like a green beret. I got that at Disc Jockey. Those posters were – I had a South Park one where it was like Kenny, like, please excuse me, I have explosive diarrhea. I just had that poster up. Oh, that's a good poster. In my room, just like walking in.

This is my space. Yeah. I'm going to find my peace in here. This is con zone now. And this diarrhea joke poster is helping me get there. I went up in disc jockey one time after my 1998 Ford Probe Cherry Red ate my doggy style tape. Oh, no. And so I went into disc jockey.

That's the best sentence. Got a new tape. And the guy looked and he was like, got to have doggy style in the car. And I was like, you're goddamn right. You got to have doggy style in the car. It ate it. We were at the mall maybe five minutes later. I was like Stop everything

What we're doing What else are we gonna listen to Right exactly We're gonna listen to Chronic I mean you wanna keep listening To the Chronic Cause we played that Cause we played that

And the skits aren't as good Quite frankly And I'm a comedian Doggystyle did have the best skits Doggystyle had amazing skits They were really good Chronic was just what The ten thousand

Or the The ten thousand Dimebag tournament Yeah That's what it was Yeah No they had They had a bunch Doggystyle had amazing skits. They were really good. Chronic was just, what, the 10,000-stack pyramid? Yeah, that's what it was. No, they had a bunch. But Doggystyle had that, like, hey, what's up, A-Ron? I think it's because Snoop is funnier than Dre. I don't think Dr. Dre's very funny. I don't think he's funny at all.

I think he's good at finding funny talent. Like, Eminem's funny. Eminem's funny. Snoop's funny. Kendrick is funny. He's probably pretty funny. He's a little self-serious it seems i bet you low-key though he's hilarious he probably when he's hanging out with the other tde guys yeah yeah like him and like ab soul just like yeah in a room with nobody around is probably so fun probably cracking each other up because he

he watches martin so i feel like oh that's true he must be yeah he gets it you think school boy's funny here's what i i think schoolboy is funny? Here's why. I think schoolboy is not funny. I think he wants everyone to think he's so hard so it doesn't act funny. Yeah. But like lately, Ivan, he seems like he's so like, I feel like once he started dressing crazier, he just started doing crazier stuff. So maybe he's funny.

I mean, I want all my rappers to be funny. I do too. It's weird if they're not. Yeah. I like, I want Danny Brown to be the funniest person. You know Danny Brown's funny. I mean, I want all my rappers to be funny. I do too. It's weird if they're not. Yeah, I like, I want Danny Brown to be the funniest person. You know Danny Brown's funny. He has to be, right? He has to be. Vince Staples is legit hilarious. Really? Vince Staples, there's like

videos, we're getting so off topic, but fuck it. There are videos on YouTube like if you do the, Pitchfork does this thing called like Overrated Underrated where they'll just throw out like Santa Claus, Overrated Underrated and they'll let the guests talk about it uh vince staples did it and he is hilarious on it you got to check it out vince staples is like legit you know who else is funny is uh kevin gates oh kevin gates is good there's an interview where he's singing uh what's

that song and then i turn on the tv that's about the time that bitch oh yeah blake 182 yo kevin gates is singing that whole song on some interview and it's hilarious like it's the funniest shit ever everybody listening uh david the g is silent bory while he was singing that song was basically pedaling a bike with his hands. Is that not the dance? Do that right now. Is that not the dance? The hand pedal? Yeah. That's what that music makes me want to do.

I just wanted everyone to know. They have a Millie rocking to Blink-182 lyrics. I watch so many videos of just children Millie rocking. It's so joyful. It's a good dance. Blink-182,

another poster you could get at Disc Jockey. That is, yeah. That's super hot news. I had such a love for them underground for so i thought i couldn't tell people i know we were supposed to we're not supposed to like it for a while but what's my age again was like that song is so great and what's that one song it like the super whiny adam's i traced the cord back to adam's song oh my god It's such a bummer, but it's such a good song. It's an escape video. Remember the time you spilled the cup of apple juice on the wall or floor.

Wait. I thought Blink-182 was in here. No, that was just me enjoying my last minute. I fucking love Blink-182, man. They're great. Yeah. It was a little easier in the suburbs of Beaverton, Oregon to be open about it. Yeah, it was just not the time for me because rap was so big at that time.

It was like you had to choose sides, man. Travis Barker bridged the gap a couple times. He did. He's got a song with RZA that's off the rack. And he was a drummer in the Puff Daddy video. Yeah. Did you ever see him? He did this thing where he just played the drums to a fucking, what's that shit?

Soulja Boy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just playing the shit out of the drums to it. It's a way better version of that song. Yeah, because that song sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not a fan. Other Soulja Boy songs, though, good.

I don't shit on that guy. Soulja Boy's good. Shout out to Sean Hyken if he's listening. He's a basketball writer who is a huge Soulja Boy fan, though, good. I don't shit on that guy. Soulja Boy's good. Shout out to Sean Hyken if he's listening. He's a basketball writer who is a huge Soulja Boy fan. Oh, man. I like new Soulja Boy. Yeah. All this cool, call me feeling like a king.

He's got this song called Drop that's really, really good. Yeah, he's great. Good for him. Good for Soulja Boy. He figured it out. He found a way. Yeah, get the music, man. At Disc Jockey, could you take any CD up up to the front be like can i listen to this

yeah oh yeah oh no no no no you couldn't but they had the digital where you could basically pick yeah listen to every cd they had on catalog you didn't have to like take it and they wouldn't know you could just they had like little headphone stations which was the dope the headphone station there were two there were two moves in the head there's the digital ones and then there was also one where they would have like six CDs. Yeah, and you would just pick one. Yeah, and you're like, I'll listen to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had, yeah, they had like the digital ones. They had like some movie paraphernalia, just stuff that you could just like. Oh, yeah. Like those first run like Todd McFarlane figurines. You could like spawn. What about it now? Like I'm visualizing walking into Disc Jockey. I'm tripping on it.

They had like all the band t-shirts. Yeah. Not the, well, I don't want to step onpping on it. They had all the band t-shirts. Well, I don't want to step in another pic, but fun, cool band t-shirts. You could get a corn beanie. Oh, man. Like just a corn-themed beanie. With a corn with a K, by the way. I used to have... What I got at disc jockey was a Snoop Dogg.

So I got a black bandana, a black rag that had Snoop Dogg all over print on it. And it was his Snoop logo that was the S-N and then the two O's were I's and then the P was the O's and there was a blunt hanging out.

How much would you love to have that now, by the way? I would, dude. I wore it to Carousel Skate and this big dude, Derek Duncan, came up to me

and he's like, you think you're Snoop Dogg? And he acted like he was going to put my face into some dog shit and then he just started, and he found some and he just started laughing

and he was huge. Oh my God. Terrifying. What was he doing at the skate park no at the carousel skate the skating rink makes less sense by the way yeah it's not no this was a roller skating yeah it's bad for our ankles yeah imagine the dude who was like 20 working there selling the snoop dog bandana to a 13 year old kid, you fucking loser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go wear this. Go wear this out in the world.

He knew how bad it was going to be for you. This guy's seen a little more of the world. A little more of Sioux Falls, by the way. So maybe he was just like, damn, it's the last one. Oh, that's so funny. Excellent, excellent pick. So we're going with the mall record stores which is a very specific that's solid specifically disc jockey but that let's let that pick because it's national until

just now no well it might it might have been it just in portland it was like a sam goody and uh fye i remember fye yeah there's sometimes you go to a mall and an fye will still be hanging on oddly dude just looking crazy like at the loess Monster, like this dinosaur that somehow survived. You go to like Bemidji Minnesota or something. Yeah, what are they selling? They seem to sell like DVDs. They switched, a lot of them switched over to DVDs. Do you remember Suncoast? Yeah, Suncoast. It's still a Suncoast in the Lloyd Center

in Portland, Oregon. That's hilarious. And I was a good one too. Alright, I will be making my first pick, the third pick of the first round, the third pick of the first round, the final pick of the first round. I'm excited for it. And I got to go with the food court.

Oh, man. I got to go with the mall food court. Yeah. Let me just cross that out. I got to delete one, too. I almost feel bad taking this because it's such a big. But you can subculture. And you got to take it in the first round.

It's too solid. It's definitely a first round pick. It's too good. I earnestly love a food court. If I was a man free of shame, unencumbered of shame, with no need to impress anyone, I would eat most of my meals at the food court.

It's so fun. It's such a pleasurable... It's so good. And I love that where you just walk up there and it's just like anything could happen. Anything could happen. Anything could happen. You just walk in there and it's just this beautiful world. It feels like the first time the kids walk into the Charlie, Charlie, the chocolate factory.

You know what it feels like to me? Scarface's front room where you just see that globe that says the world is yours. The world is yours. And you're just like yeah i could do anything right now have you ever got have you ever walked to the food court and been like you know what i want a taco yeah i want a piece of pizza absolutely you can do that and it's nobody can look at you that was my whole fucking plate is tacos dog like get mad at me i got gonna get mad i got i got two spots in one food court that I was going to draft that. Dude, two spots in one food court.

I'm almost bummed I drafted mine. Yo, because I would go, like, it was all about, you had to fly with it, so you had to get, like, you'd get, like, Sbarro pizza. Yes. And then you'd have an Orange Julius. Like, yo, who could stop me? Like, who could stop me right now? I'm going to, by the way, liberate Orange Julius from the mall food court. If anyone wants to be.

Because a lot of malls I've been to, the Orange Julius has been floating in a separate location from the rest of the food court. Yeah, it's like its own. It's its own. Tacoma Mall in Washington State was like that. There was the food court, but then there was Orange Julius downstairs. Yeah, Washington Square in Portland, Oregon, or tiger to oregon uh it's a it's a floater it's almost like it's too good like it came up it's too good for the food it's a little too good for the food it's like guys we're not really doing this whole thing uh sioux falls south dakota sioux empire mall

largest one-story mall in the country for quite a long time what about the super mall they're uh mall of america in oh wait that makes sense well anyway the orange julius you couldn't get other like dairy queen stuff at the orange julius and that's when i found out that orange julius was like its own separate oh that's before they'd united yeah yeah back in the day it was just i used to go try to get chili dogs and shit and they're like that's dairy queen dude yeah this is this is because we weren't drinking smoothies like that when orange julius no orange jul Julius. We weren't. There was no juice places. It was like Orange Julius. And that was or you could get a fucking milkshake.

You couldn't get away with Orange Julius now. You couldn't start it. Now it's firmly entrenched. But in this world of smoothies. We got too many drinks now. Yeah, there's too many drink options. Like they were like, you could get orange, strawberry or banana. That was it.

That's what we do. Now you go to Jamba Juice and they got a fucking like they got a cheesecake factory dragon fruit and shit yeah my friend rat i gotta tell this my friend rat one time went in rat man yeah another good sentence is his jamba juice so wheatgrass yeah yeah he goes into a jamba juice in sioux falls south dakota and he orders two shots of wheatgrass from this girl working and then he picks it up and he goes cheers and he cheers her and he took his shot and she took one like okay and then he just walked out without pain classic classic rat move why you call rat yeah is that you're scamming for wheatgrass scamming for wheatgrass i didn't even know you could do i never even thought about stealing health food in my life that's the one and only time rat did that by the way that's a good move uh what it might what's

your do you it's hard to pick a favorite food court spot oh shit but i think sabaro's is good sabaro's does that thick cut of pizza. Yeah, it's like a thick pizza. You had to get it fresh because it had been out for a minute. If it sits, it starts getting... The cheese was all hard and it was nasty. It goes bad fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think Sbarro's is my favorite, though, man. I always liked it.

I like Sbarro's. I'm trying... You know what? And I don't even... I can't even fuck with it anymore because it's just like too much. Yeah. But Cinnabon... Oh, yeah. I can't do it anymore either. It's's just like too much. Yeah. But Cinnabon. Oh, yeah.

I can't do it anymore either. It's like I had one. That's the rest of my day. I had one like a few years ago and it was just like I couldn't even believe it. It's like, but that shit does taste incredible. You used to metabolize it. When I was like 16, I could just wolf one down and be like, all right, let's go do some stuff. Yeah, let's go hang out.

But now it's like. Your body breaks it down. Oh, yeah. Now you're just like, nah. We would do, before football practice back in high school, we would go to Jack in the Box and get two cheeseburgers and a Diet Coke, man, and then just go to football practice and be fine. I remember, dude, we used to have at the Safeway by my school. We used to have two big ass slices of Safeway pizza to drink for a dollar fifty.

Oh, fuck. And me and Sam Talent, third period, like fourth period, we'd have have an off hour go just cram a bunch of pizza and then yeah go to practice and like not care and you're like totally fine if I did that now I would've gone to the hospital

yeah I can't go anywhere my sugars get too high out of it and you're like where's this energy yeah your body like at one point your body was like

real good at scrounging for energy it's like throwing all this garbage aside and it finds like the little bit of energy in a Jack in the Box cheeseburger

now it's just like I'm not gonna go to the fucking bins at Goodwill and try to find the one good shirt in there. My favorite food court spot was a place called Taco John's. And it's more of a Midwest thing. Oh, I've been there. I've been in Taco John's. Yeah, they have them in Denver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Similar vibe to Taco Time, kind of. Taco Time. Taco Time is good. Taco Time in the Lloyd's Center. Big ups to Taco Time one time, man. Taco Time. Mexican fries. On point for years.

Crispy burritos, dude. We're looking for sponsors, Taco Time. You don't got to send money. Just send the tacos. It's got a ring to it. That would be the flyest shit if you were an LA-based podcast. Sponsored by Taco Time? Sponsored by Taco Time.

Well, if that's how you get a sponsor, then my favorite food court spot is Old English Malt Liquor. Dude, I heard don't fuck with Old English because St. Ives is giving in. But like, whatever you want to do. But for real, though, St. Ives is so bad. Some of that Crooked Eye. You remember the old commercials with Snoop Dogg in the commercials? Yeah.

It was like his character from the Doggy Style cover was the Sane Eye, the Crooked Eye logo guy. You know, Snoop Dogg came back. Did you ever taste that Snoop Dogg Colt 45? Yeah. What was it called? I can't remember. He had like several flavors. Yeah, there was a grip.

I drank everything rappers told me to. Slaracane? You ever mess with Slaracane? Of course I had Slaracane. Slaracane is good. I like Slaracane. Yeah, man. He's like sugar, dude. I with Slurricane? Of course I had Slurricane. Slurricane is good. I like Slurricane. Yeah, man. Come on.

Yeah, man. I just listened to a whole podcast where he talked about Slurricane. And I wasn't even mad. I was like, yeah, cool, man. Oh, get it. Get it. He feasible. His 40s are gross, though.

The E-40 40s? Yeah, they're not. I mean, but to be fair, like, no 40s. I drink Old English quite a bit because it's cheap. And it's like, I've acquired a taste, but never would I say that, oh, this is so good. Yeah, it's like sweet. You're never, never would i say that oh this is so good yeah it's like you're never the lady will have nobody's ever maybe billy d williams

i'll have a 40 volt english and a lady will be paying the bill as i don't have a bank account, this place doesn't take cash. I'm in between checking the cash. All my money is tied up in Taco Bell gift cards right now. Would you like direct deposit? Why don't you just mail the check to me? My assets aren't liquid. I'm all tied up in Taco Bell gift cards. I've literally been there before, though.

Just like no cash at all, but just like $40 worth of gift cards in my wallet. Don't get me wrong. Trying to get some weed. Dog. My wealth is protected. Don't get me wrong. It's just I'm all tied up in it. I have assets right now. I'm cash poor. Kelly Jordan still sends me taco bizzle gift cards for

Christmas and shit. And then in Portland I was like it's hard for me to get to a Taco Bell. There's one right around the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Glendale, California. Yeah, man. I live like right down the street from one. So, if anybody who loves me is listening, this Christmas, what up, hot man?

Yes. 5516 Media Drive, just send that shit. If we can't get that Taco Time sponsorship, we can at least get those Taco Bell gift cards. Please send them. God, if like $1,000. I think, as a kid, I think I really loved hot dog on a stick. I loved the whole vibe of it. Oh, yeah.

That was good. That was fun. I liked some lemonade. Is that the blue and red and yellow? That's the blue and red and yellow hat. And they got the, and it's like tall. And yeah, the lemonade spot. Yeah.

And now as an adult, I'm not going to say that not all Panda Express, some of them have Panda Express. Some of them have independent Chinese food restaurants. The gallery has two Panda Expresses. The gallery at home of the original Panda Express has two Panda Expresses. Is there any difference? Is it like Panda Express and then the outlet

where you get the new colorways? Where you just get purple chicken? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want the, because the original Panda Express is in there I want them to have an item you can't get anywhere else yeah you know you should like you should get something for going to the original

from visiting Mecca if anybody in the higher ups in Panda Express actually thought of that idea they would probably just do it that being said I don't think Panda Express has had a new menu item ever no it ain't broke yeah it's like it's that shit stays the same they brought they'll bring stuff back like they brought back general so's chicken i mean recently but like you never saw larry bird wearing baggy shorts you know what i mean if that's true that's true that's true man classic uh i just i just fucking i love the food court I like one thing I don't like

about food courts nowadays is some of these like Chipotle thinking in there I don't like this I don't like this too classy

no Chipotle's too good for me Chipotle's too good for the food court you can't get your own hot sauce in a food court Chipotle

which sucks because that's the only reason I like I like Chipotle and Qdoba because you can get your own bottle of hot sauce but that being said I will openly say I steal hot sauce from Chipotle 100% on the reg that I like Chipotle and Qdoba because you can get your own bottle of hot sauce. But that being said, I will openly say I steal hot sauce from Chipotle.

So do I. 100%. On the reg. That smoky Chipotle, you can't find it anywhere else. You can find it. It's like nine bucks. Yeah, so I take that shit all the time. You cook up a chicken breast at home.

It goes great on that chicken breast. Yeah, oh my God. It's so good. Part of the deal. I mean, that's just what they signed up for. So just, if you're not a food court restaurant, don't start sneaking into the food courts. Yeah. I want restaurants you can only find at food courts.

Yeah, we don't want. What's that Cajun Grill? Have you ever seen that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where they'll take a crawdaddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I want. I want that.

We want Steak Escape. Yeah. Steak. Oh, my God. I just don't want some shit I could just drive to. No. I got to have been in the mall at Foot Action, and now I've whipped up a hunger yeah like the glendale gallery has a red robin in it and that's so weird that's yeah that's not even though red robin is mall quality it is but they

didn't start it in the mall no it's not if they were part of that we ought to been like of course yeah yeah yeah you don't you don't you don't move to the projects as an adult no i need i need all the food court like to be a theme, you know? And like when there's a Chipotle, you look and you're like, what's that fashion boutique doing in the food court? 100%.

It's like steel walls and shit. Yeah, it's so modern and shit. Yeah. Fuck off with it. Chill. I want that food court vibe where like reasonably two of the restaurants

could trade employees and nobody would know. And nobody would know. Just a dead-eyed Latino team. That's it. That's all I want. Yeah, that's how I like it. And not that you can't get that at Chipotle's,

but just like... And then also, shout out to the samples. The people walking around with the samples trying to entice you over to their... It's tight because most of the time they don't expect you to come eat. They don't. There's like a bunch of chicken and you're like, yep.

A lot of times they're just happy to give it. They're like, hey, man. I have literally had a sample person be like, hey, I just got to get rid of all these. And I can't go back until I give them all out. And I'm like, I'll take five of them. Yeah, my bad. Just give me one of those to-go cups. Yeah, yeah.

Give me a go cup full of orange chicken, please. You're just hitting it like it's an actual water. Go cup full of small cubes of lasagna. Can I have a drink? You want to drink a ravioli? That's crazy. Yeah. Try to walk into the same goody with that shit.

Yeah. All right. So that is my pick, the food court. And shit, I got to go back to back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the hard part. That is the first round. Go back to back.

Back to back. Fuck. Oh, I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared for this. I'm not sure what my next move is going to be. I can't. It's so, this is so, this is so rad. I'm just saying, right now, this is dope.

All right. I got to go. Now, this is a throwback pick because it's kind of a weird thing to say now, although it's still kind of true. Sure. And we're all gentlemen here. Yo, if you say – oh, man, I think you're about to snake one of my best friends. I'm taking Hot Mall Girls. Okay.

That's good. Oh, man, Hot Mall Girls that you're not going to do anything about. You're not going to do even one damn thing about. Not a goddamn thing. I only feel safe looking at you through one of those Eclipse boxes. Oh, my gosh. That was like the jam when I was a kid, too. When you're in junior high school and just seeing all those high school girls.

Yes. Because that's where you could see them. That's where you would see them. That's one of the appeals of the mall. And now, almost in a horrible way, it's appealing again. Yeah. It's like when you're in middle school. All right, Chuck.

Whoa. You did not have to do that. Don't say shit that I'm going to have to edit out. That is a headache. I was trying to be funny, dudes. No, no, no, no, no. No, but when you're in middle school and you're like,, this girl Erin Reitz was like the girl in Sioux Falls. And we're like that's Erin Reitz over there.

Yes. She's just like hanging in the water. And you're like look at her. She's just chilling in the world. And if you saw – the dope thing about like when you were in middle school, high school and you go to the mall and you would see a super hot girl and she went to the same school as you, you would never talk to her at that school. Oh, God. But if you saw her at the mall, it was almost like what are we doing here yeah you can like say yeah when you see your teacher at a bar and you're like what's up mr jordy how you living i remember yeah i remember one time

in high school i i had like just a far away crush on this girl who was older than me and i went across town to the cool mall i went to the aurora mall this is way before i know the aurora mall yeah you remember quite a bit oh i make like i make my friends take me to the Aurora Mall. This was way before. I know the Aurora Mall. Yeah, you remember quite a bit. I make my friends take me to the mall so we can eat lunch. Oh, man, yeah. They used to have the, shout out to the Asian guy who ran the knife store upstairs. Nice. A lot of young hooligans hanging in there buying billy clubs

and shit. Absolutely. And that was the cool mall across town. And I went there one time. It was so 2003. I bought a Latrell Sprewell jersey, a matching Knicks hat, and then a pack of orange wristbands and sweatbands. Did you wear them in your mid form? I read it, yeah, kind of up too high.

And then the orange headband, the orange sweatband under the hat damn like so reckless you were dressing like a post-tribe five dog yo it was ridiculous i just wanted to be like fabulous i guess yeah and i remember i bought the and i wore that shit that day like i bought it in the mall i put it wore it that day just shitting on him just shitting on him and i went i went to the bathroom because it was just i worked up just I was so worked up just looking fresh. And I accidentally went to the girls' bathroom. And as I was coming out, who did I see? This girl I had a crush on who went to my high school, Tracy Stratus.

She caught me in the girls' bathroom at the Aurora Mall, dog. Never brought it up, though. Bless her heart. Never said shit to anybody about it. Well, she's a hot girl and a good girl. And a good girl. Can you imagine? It's just five seconds.

If you just caught your reflection in a mirror or caught your reflection in the window of another store and then stayed there for five seconds, she would have walked out while you were walking in and seen you looking super fresh. You'd be married to her now. You'd still be in Denver. You'd be working for like a fucking all-state insurance company. Yeah, I would be. So it's good that you walked in. You're right. It's good. Shout out to Stacy Stratus.

Also, god damn it. Orange headband? What was I thinking? I don't know. I'm glad. Dude, you had to make a lot of mistakes. I was Sprewelled up. But at the time, it was pretty cool. Sprewelled up? I think that would be cool. I would wear a Sprewell right now. A Sprewell jersey right now. Right now would be super cool. You should wear a Spreewell right now and it wouldn't be a Spreewell jersey right now

right now would be super cool I wonder what I'll buy Spreewell jerseys yo that would be crazy different teams you go Knicks you gonna go T-Wolves Sean go T-Wolves

I'm gonna go Golden State Warriors yo that's perfect I'm gonna go choked choked Coach Rick Adler yeah yeah I'm going was it he invented those rims, too, right?

Was it Sprewell? That dude actually had, like, a storied career. If you really think about it. He was a really good basketball player. He was great at basketball. Have you seen those commercials with Sprewell in them now? No. They're, like, Allstate commercials or something?

I don't appreciate the attitude of those commercials. No. They're really dogging out with Charles Sprewell. That's what's happening to all my heroes, though, man. Yeah. They're out here. They're doing DM All My Heroes, though, man. Yeah. They're doing DMX like that, too, man. I know.

When he gets played, it's like, look at this schmuck. It's like, no, DMX was fucking rad. He was DMX. Sprewell was rad. It's like, if you go the extra mile for your kid, maybe they'll meet David Robinson at a game. But if you don't, you'll be in an Applebee's with Latrell Sprewell. I'm like, Latrell Sprewell is not in a fucking Applebee's ever. No. He's at Benihana's right now.

Right now. Buying the bar. Yeah, he goes between Benihana's and Cheesecake Factory, which for some reason NBA players love Cheesecake Factory. Why everybody loves Cheesecake? I've never been to one. I don't get it. I'm not a fan of the Cheesecake Factory.

It feels like you're paying too much for food that's not that good. Doing too much. Exactly. Every time I've been there, I've always been like, this is like... You're in there paying too much for a quesadilla, so they have the luxury of having 80 things on the item. Yeah, exactly. It's basically a government subsidy for them to have

a way too big menu. I don't like it. And I don't like supporting the war machine, my damn self. No. I'm not paying fucking taxes to buy bombs for the drop of my people in Israel. We don't do that. Not on my daily uh hot mall girls dude yeah i i i just loved it just rocking rocking the latest fashion abercrombie oh man sport abercrombie when it first came out i'm like i was right i'm gonna ride around the 2000s was when i really started going on malls. So it just like, you see that girl from like your geography class with like orange pants.

Oh, yeah. And like a baby doll tee. And you're like, she's so fly, man. God, I just loved it. You see Thor? She looks like, yeah. She looks like one of the girls from 3LW. 3LW.

They're just like, you see like five or six of them together just giggling and walking They were always crewed up. They were always crewed up. There's no thicker crew than the high school girl mall crew and the thing is there were dude crews who could talk to them but i was never that i was never that cool even when i joined the football team i couldn't get in with that crew dude i was just never like yeah i played football and i would still go to the mall with my weird friends me too yeah that's who i went with i'd never yeah i was never in that like i could never like see a girl at the mall. I'd hear guys talk about that.

Yeah, dude, I saw Karen at the mall the other day. We'll go to her house. Just walk up, spit and game. In middle school and high school, I was really ugly, really bad-ass. And gawky. I was just getting tall, and I was gawky, and I walked with a hunch, and I talked like Butthead. Not the kind of kid that's going to walk up like that. But weren't you a skateboarder?

That's pretty cool. It wasn't cool when I was a kid. You know what, though? I get that. I get that. Now it's fucking rad. But when I was in high school being a skateboarder, like, I'd walk down the street and people were like, or down the hallway, and they're like, do an ollie, you fucking dork.

I'm like, stop. Man, I could kick foot. And you can't do an ollie. This is just fun for me. Yeah. I'm just having fun. This is what I do. This is my life.

Why are you calling me a dork? It's athletic. I get to having fun. This is what I do. This is my life. My life. It's athletic. I get to get outside and get fresh air. What are you doing? They're going to the mall and talking to those girls that I wanted to play with. A$AP Rock is going to be dressing just like me in 15 years. You don't know who he is. How good? Do you feel vindicated because that happened?

Yeah. Like because now skateboarding is like. I like how cool it is now. I love it. It's so cool. Yeah. It's the best. Everything on Fairfax is like skateboard oriented. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah cool it is now. I love it. It's so cool. Yeah, it's the best. Everything on Fairfax

is like skateboard-oriented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend Tori's in town visiting and we're going to go to these boutiques just to... Because I want to show them, like, look at how trendy

this shit is now. That's crazy. You were on some, like, underground... Yeah. Man. Yeah, now skateboard's a lot of...

Like an accessory for a lot of people. Oh, yeah. I know a lot of people with skateboards who don't know how to ride a skateboard. You see a dude

walking down Fairfax who, like all all skateboarded up like and then you look at the wheels and they're like not even yeah the bottom isn't like the bottom isn't carved up right the whole graphic is there whatever gives skateboarders money i'm fine with so that's the more shit that anyone can sell involving skating i love it uh god i never never once i mean i i still still love still love women what a weird thing to say still i still like i still love you i'm still a romantic i'm still like a romantic person i love i love that i love the first kiss i love all that stuff never been so smitten as i was just seeing like the hot mall girls you know yeah just never been so smitten

because they were like you couldn't tell me it was the same as Jennifer Lopez. Yes, it was. It was the exact same level. So well put that like these hot mall girls to where we were back then might as well have been fucking Britney Spears. Do you think they knew? Do you think they knew how like? No, I think they were. I would think maybe they knew a little bit. And I think also they were going through their own shit.

Yeah, it's so hard to be a young woman. It's so hard to be a young woman. And they were. And, you know, they had their own crushes on on keith or derrick yeah you know you know brock boys with broad shoulders cubic zirconia oh yeah the double earrings man that was talking about jeremiah clark jeremiah clark dude yeah must be talking about john gibson touching rim touching rim they all have their own shit so i don't know I don't think they knew the spell they had cast on us. You know?

But like, because, yeah, because it's just so tough to be a young woman. But just want them to know we were there appreciating you from afar. I would have just wanted, I just wanted to say hi. Yeah. I didn't even, that's the crazy thing. You know what would have happened if you would have said hi? What? You would have, like, you probably would have ended up dating that girl.

Like, the confidence would have just, she'd be whoa yeah nobody talks to me and that's the thing because i was never bad at actually talking to girls i was just bad at like starting it oh dude i'm good at talking to people i could even then i could do that but like well i didn't know what to hey so i see you have the new fat farm shoes you know russell simmons has a lot to shoes. One last thing, just on Malgrove. People, now the woke culture is like the friend zone isn't even a real thing. The friend zone is a real thing, but what dudes

don't know is you friend zone yourself. It's not a woman doing it to you. And it's not terrible. It's not terrible. You have women who are in the friend zone, right? 100%. Some of my best friends are women and i love but like you would back then in middle school high school you would but you would friends on yourself by like you had a crush on someone you were afraid to express it yeah you just like

made fun of them it was never right exactly every time a girl like in middle school found out i liked her they would be like i thought that dude hated me yeah all, let's keep it moving. Hot Mall Girls, the first pick of the second round. Sean Jordan, you have the next pick. All right, the next pick is going to be stealing. Yo. Yeah. Man, yo, Sean Jordan is knocking out my top three.

Shoplifting was literally my second one. Shoplifting, dude. We used to go. So when I was like 12, 11 or 12, and I wanted like we didn't have any money. And I wanted like all these dope jerseys like Bogues and Larry Johnson and Zoe and football jerseys. I had like Ken Griffey jerseys. So I would go steal. And you're a kid.

And they didn't really have alarms yet. They had fake alarms. So we'd wear big swooshy pants and like tuck these jerseys in our jeans and just walk out very brazen oh man you were stealing jersey i used to steal jeans i stole cross colors like we went into boutiques what boutiques but like did you fan out kind of thing what do you mean was it like you you would hit it with like three or four of you guys and you would get in just me and my friend shane would do he was yeah young wolves shane was a lunatic but yeah he would go in and like like Me and my friend Shane would do he was Yeah young wolves Shane was a lunatic but yeah he would go in

and like ask him for something like hey can you grab that shirt and then I'd just go like Is this your buddy the artist Shane? No Oh okay Shane Gehrig sells cars now

Oh word So he steals money from people Sounds like a car salesman We would yeah we would just and then my mom would so I'd have to hide him

because she knows that she didn't buy me these like Yeah she knows what clothes you wear jerseys Yeah So I'd hide him like in my locker at school and shit and I'd go to hide them because she knows that she didn't buy me these $60 jerseys. So I'd hide them in my locker at school and shit, and I'd go and change at school.

Oh, you pulled a biggie. One time, I stole a jersey from Sears one time. I stole a jersey from Sears, returned it, and I was like 11, didn't have a receipt. And they're like, where's your receipt? And I'm like, I don't have one. I need the money. And they're like, they knew I stole it, but they couldn't say wait you were 11 yeah right up in there man that is some city of god shit so we uh so they cut me they're like all right we're gonna send it to corporate they cut me a check me a check for like pay to the order of sean jordan i got it like 30

days later in the mail my mom's opening my obviously. She goes, why'd you get a check for $60? I was like, I think I said Smith bought me a jersey or Carol, Smith's mom or something. She's like, what? And I couldn't even cash it because I didn't have a bank account. So I think I signed it over her and she just kept it. She kept it? So mom profited up. Mom got a couple

jerseys. Mom went and got that Cheryl Swoops after that. Yeah. Oh, that's cute, Reggie, but Cheryl scored 100. Yeah, we'd get lockers and just throw it up like this. That's Cheryl Miller USC jersey. Oh, yeah, Cheryl Miller. Oh, man.

Shout out to Lisa Leslie. Yeah. I just don't want her to feel left out. We love you, Lisa. Also, the Sparks won. Oh, yeah. Did they win the whole thing? Yeah, they won the whole thing.

I should have known that. That's embarrassing. I don't know that. Were you a thiever? I was. So here's the thing is I'm a coward. Yeah, same. Did they win the whole thing? Yeah, they won the whole thing. I should have known that. That's embarrassing. I don't know that. Were you a thiever? I was. So here's the thing is I'm a coward. Yeah, same. I mean.

I don't. So I would like. So this is a weird thing. My shoplifting was always like the mall was too much money. Like I would shoplift like shit from like the grocery store. Yeah. I stole a lot of cap guns. Oh, yeah.

And shit like that. But like I was not. But I had in high school. I was friends with this crew of girls and they couldn't stop stealing i'm picturing these like just ruthless girls are like pick you up like get in david we're going to steal some shit well they wouldn't even i wouldn't even know and they would yeah yeah yeah where'd you get this whip, Terese? Terese? Yeah. Terese and Aaron and Chelsea. And they stole shit.

They couldn't help themselves. They were monsters. They would steal condoms before they had sex with anybody. Just to have them. They just thought it was funny. Three Winona's. Yeah. Yo, they would steal me shit, and I'd be like, I didn't ask for this.

Did you take it? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, I didn't ask for this. Did you take it? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not crazy. No, you have to take it back. I'm just glad you knew that I was a 2XL. Yeah. I could look it out. This is a lot of material for you to hide on your little body.

I mean, you're not going to become a master thief without being observant. But that is a lot of material. Yeah. Hiding it to it. People don't know that about big, like, the one like the one that's why we can't be stealing we're not out here stealing like that am i supposed to fucking hide that where am i gonna put like if i wanted to steal a jersey now yeah it's not gonna fit in my pants you were stealing jeans the idea of stealing jeans in my size it's crazy i would have to ball them up like a football and run out

we would wear we would wear burners in so we'd wear like old like and run out yeah no plan best about it we would wear we would wear burners in so we'd wear like old like cashed out my buddy josh so full used to do that with shoes yeah he'd be like hey can i try these shoes on and then he would just go in fucking uh put out try on the new shoes and just like when the guy went to help somebody out he just bailed yeah which is like so fucking bold now footlocker has eight year old etnies there yeah yeah this is how ratchet this motherfucker was he would go in and he would steal one shoe off the you know they had like a shoe he would steal one off the wall and for some reason these these idiot employees would just take the other shoe like the left shoe

even though it was facing the wrong way but they would see an empty shoe and so they just fill it in i think and he would wait for them to do that like while they were going to the back to get another right shoe or something and he would just steal that one he did that like three times what that's so isn't that insane how did they not catch on i would no maybe they didn't even care those are the one thing i wish i could steal yeah like do you remember at the beginning of what's that snoop dogg movie murder was the case no oh at the beginning The Wash, when they're doing the intro, like the, like, just, like, blue screenshots, they kind of screenshot him doing that in, like, a footlocker, remember?

Like, and he does it with house shoes. The Wash was just on. Yeah, he's stealing house shoes. Yeah, like, it is so great, man. Oh, man. That movie was classic Snoop Dogg sitting there, blunt, in his mouth, sitting on the floor with a girl braiding his hair, and then Dre comes in the living room and Snoop's just like fuck out my face like yo blowing smoke I don't think I think Snoop Dogg thought that that was a documentary

just a day in the life thing uh I've never I was never I was too afraid to be a thief I I was such a young, good boy. I really was. I asked my mom if I could sneak out. That's a legit thing to happen. That's adorable. That's adorable. I knocked on Sue Carmel's door because I didn't want her to be afraid if she tried to go find me and I wasn't there.

I was like, hey, a bunch of my friends are sneaking out. Can I sneak out? She was like, yes, you can. What did you guys do? Just like throw rocks off a bridge? Exactly. We just walked around the neighborhood. I think we vandalized a construction site oh i used to do that yeah see i wasn't even a good kid i was just scared to get caught by the mall

yeah yeah you didn't want to lose the mall well yeah and i get i get i get my shit rocked at home like that would be trouble i got caught stealing especially especially around junior high, high school, because my mom was like, she was dope about getting me pretty cool shit. I'm not here trying to brag, but I did have a denim suit. You know what I mean? I'm not like- Go ahead and brag. You're not bragging.

You're just telling your story. Yeah, that's just how I was living at the time. I had an Abrax long sleeve tee. You know what I mean? What brand was the denim suit? First down. First down? First down. Yeah, you didn't even know they had denim, did you?

No. I didn't know. The first down puffy coats were. Oh, man. There was one fall. Everyone came back, and all the coolest kids had these first down puffy coats. Those were so cool. I wanted one so bad.

You know what my mom got me that was still kind of fly was she got me a one of the perry ellis oh yeah coffee coat but it was perry ellis reversible yeah blue and yellow it's almost like royal blue and yellow i was crazy that's beautiful i had some crazy perry ellis was my first luxury brand oh my god yeah dude uh the only thing i ever stole was a memory card for an xbox and even not even like the like an off-brand like game masters like yeah not even an official yeah from best buy and i was and they almost caught me i was so afraid i was like booking out the front door and like after i left one of the security guards like was craning his neck. And I later, like five years later, went on to work at that Best Buy. The perfect crime.

I'll never suspect you. If I get a job here, I'm off the hook. Double jeopardy. You can't find me for the same memory card. I was at Edward Norton and the score, dude. That's a long, long day. I think that's the score. That's the score, right?

Edward Norton and Robert De Niro. And Marlon Brando. Whatever that movie is. That's the score, right? Edward Norton and Robert De Niro. And Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando. Marlon Brandzino. In that movie, he was in such rough shape that he refused to walk

or stand up in any of the scenes. Yeah. So they had to rewrite it. There's one scene where he's in a cashed out hot tub in his basement and you're like,

you're just chilling. There's no water in it and it's like, it's a hot tub with no water, dog. And you're just, it's bucking. Sounds kind of cool. I'm in the shower and I'm sitting in an empty hot tub in my basement. You just have. There's no water in it. And it's like it's a hot tub with no water, dog. And you're just. It's buck. Sounds kind of cool.

I'm going to go shower. I'm sitting in an empty hot tub in my basement. You just have to pull like. Yeah, I'll do the movie, but I ain't standing or anything. Well, it's the perfect for a hot tub. Hot tub because you can keep a bucket of chicken out of the shot. Just have it down there. So if I get tired from reading my lines, I could eat a piece of chicken.

Dude, if you would have told me the Blink-182 and Marlon Brando were going to be here. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I felt it. This room's got a good vibe. a piece of chicken. Dude, if you would have told me that Blink-182 and Marlon Brando were going to be here, I would have... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I felt it. I felt it. This room's got a good vibe.

That was dope. That was dope. I didn't even know you could do Brando. I didn't know I could either. I just gave it a shot. Stealing. Amazing pick. Stealing is a great pick.

It's a steal on the second round. Because he was going to jump on it. Yeah. Yeah, I would have had it. I would have had it. Let's see where it goes instead with the final pick of the second round, his second pick. We it yeah yeah i would have had it i would have had it let's see where it goes instead with the final pick of the second round his second pick we have david boy in the final pick of the second round i'm going and i don't know you all had one but it

might have been a different name yes i'm uh going underground station what was that it was the urban clothing oh yeah dude that's where i saw yeah yeah where you had like all the new brands because i would go in there and i couldn't even believe that people could afford to buy all this shit how could you have so much mecca it's 60 a shirt south pole south pole yeah fucking ava like all the brands who made his first appearance yeah oh yeah echo Oh, yeah. Echo. Oh, Aniche. Or NYC. What about Carl Canine? Carl Canine, man.

What did Redman say? My crew rolls deep like Carl Canine pockets. They were like down to your knees, those pockets. They were crazy. Tupac had this all maroon Carl Canine suit that I want. All maroon Carl Canine denim vest. He wore it on Young TV Raps. And I was like, I want that. No shirt underneath. I want a shirt underneath. Oh, yeah, he wore it on Young TV Raps. And I was like, I want that. No shirt underneath.

I want a shirt underneath. Oh, man. Yo, those stories were like, it was like, because it would be straight from the rap stories. It would be straight from the rap video to those stories. Right. And it was like, I would go in there and just like, and you'd almost have to like, if you were a kid, you'd almost have to have somebody older and cooler with you come and, like, cosign.

Yeah, yeah. Like, my older cousin, he was six years older than me, and he would, like, he was in there, and he was wearing, like, a real knockoff FUBU shirt so I could be in there. Yeah. Because it's like, I know this guy, you know what I mean? Yeah, and he knows the culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would just, like, you know, get my little Wu-Wear t-shirt or whatever. Yeah, oh, Wu-Wear. Wu-Wear. They went off the culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would just get my little Wu-Wear t-shirt or whatever. Oh, Wu-Wear.

Wu-Wear. They went off the rails. This may surprise you, but the mall, the Washington Square near Beaverton, Oregon, did not have an urban clothing store. What? Yeah. Where could you get the latest nappy? Lloyd Center. You had to go to Lloyd Center.

You had to go to downtown Portland. Or not downtown. The east side of Portland. yeah uh and lloyd center and i couldn't even tell you what the name of the one was in lloyd center because it changed hands so many times and had like so many different names and it just kept flipping it just kept flipping yeah i don't think there was that much money in those stores i don't think so i think it was like people who wanted to dress like that were like i guess we should open a store where we can buy these clothes at. Yeah, where I can get all these clothes because I'm really struggling. Yeah.

Like. This is like pre-internet shopping for the most part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't. Where would you go get it, Carl? Can I? If you didn't open the only store until you sold it. You know where else you could get that stuff?

Oddly enough was in East Bay Magazine. Yep. East Bay. That's true. East Bay did. They had a section where you're like. East Bay had the coolest shit. What the fuck is this?

East Bay catalog. You could just get like a Sean John velour. Sean John. Man, I wanted a velour sweatsuit. There was a time in my life. A velour Sean John outfit. Oh, man. I never got one.

No, no. You know what happened? I wanted a sweatsuit so bad because everybody had one. Yeah. That's what was going on. And my mom bought me a whack one. And I felt so bad. Because you have to wear it.

And she was so stuck. Like, I wanted it so bad. Because you have to wear it. And she was so stuck. Like, I wanted it so bad. Yeah. And she bought me a Mecca one, but she had bought it from, like, TJ Maxx. Oh, yeah. And it was just a weird color. And the hoodie fit weird. And the sweatpants fit.

Like, I never wore it. Heartbreaking. Yeah, because she was so happy about it. You know what I mean? Speaking of casual XL, Sue Carmel got me a casual male XL velour jumpsuit once. And I didn't wear it out a lot. How old were you? I wore it in a lot.

How old were you? I wore it in a lot. Maybe 14, 15? Sue Carmel is a saint. She sounds like an incredible woman. She is an amazing woman. Sue Carmel is the best. She's my favorite person.

She is fantastic. She brought you a velour sweatsuit. Velour casual XL, probably 3XL. It was such a hard look to actually do. So comfy. I look, I mean, just based on everything else about me, I look like a mob boss's son. I look like a young, I look like I was being groomed by the Gotti family to take over a small neighborhood in Staten Island. Just imagine you alone with your velour sweatsuit at 15 just eating pasta, drinking wine.

Listen to Louis Prima real loud. And people would come to my bedroom door and I would not stop chewing while I talked to them. Just filing serial numbers off of guns like, what'd you say? Listen to Volare. Making them try a drink of whatever you're drinking. You have to. Napkin tucked in the neck. At that point, I'd

framed my South Park poster. You know, just a little step up. Yeah, just coming up. You're getting classier, man. Always back to the wall. I don't want to get assassinated in my own room, so you know, back to the wall. Just screaming at some hot woman who I'm in a relationship with. She hates me. We hate each other, but she sticks her hand.

Yeah, turn the lights on. It's because of the passion. Turn the light only. Yeah, turn the light on. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. Oh, fuck. Those were good.

What was the one in your town? Underground something? Underground Station. Underground Station. Yeah, they had like, because Averax was my thing. I thought Averax was super cool. Averax is kind of coming back. Really?

Action Bronson was rocking Averax. Oh, man. Like the leather? In the video that Action Bronson just dropped, he was rocking Averax. I think it might have been a, not vinyl. What's that fabric called? Coat. Baseball coat.

Almost. Oh, satin. Satin. Like a satin Averax coat. Oh, man. That shit was like. It was definitely Averax. Dude, because that shit was like.

I was super into East Coast rap. Yeah. And they were all about like the Averax, like the leather jackets. Yeah. I had a. Yo, this is how dope my mom is. Same. One Christmas, one year.

She bought me the South Pole. Probably pleather, but you couldn't tell me nothing. Whatever. She brought me the South Pole pleather. It was like cream in orange. That's like big pun right and it was yo i went eighth grade in new york that was it but i was in washington state at the time but you were into that east yeah but i was shitting on him oh my god i came in and like people used to make fun of me, gave me respect. This girl, Charmaine, who was in my math class, she used to make so much fun of me. And I had the jacket and I was in there one day and she was just like, hey, Bori, let me get that jacket.

And I was like, yeah. Yeah, you would. That's fucking great. The East Coast look, it's weird because Jay-Z, he got into Nikes and stuff like that. But the East Coast look was always these sort of weird brands. It would be like Averax or the Roxacones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were like Tim's for a long time.

Tim's before everyone else wore Tim's. Giant parachute jeans tucked into your Timberlands. It was a very different aesthetic than what hip-hop ended up becoming. And now as a grown-up, I like the West Coast style way more. I think that West Coast gangster rappers look so dapper. Just like a Dickie suit. Yeah, man.

That shit was great. When I first found out Dickies were dope, watching Menace Decided, I was like, alright, I want a Dickie suit. You go to Walmart, you get a Dickie suit for $30. You go to Metro Mix, $90 to get the same Dickie suit yeah you gotta and you go to walmart you get a dickie suit for like 30 bucks you go to metro mix 90 bucks to get the same dick that was the thing is there was like if people didn't a lot of people i think didn't know that it was just work they didn't know you could just get it at walmart yeah go like a dickies t-shirt just said dickies on it 30 bucks at metro mix you're like

it's five dollars dude from like dude from like 18 to 20 80% of what I wore would be Dickies pants and then some kind of a plain t-shirt that matched my hat. I bought everything but my shoes and my hats at Walmart. Yes. But you could be so fresh like that. Dude, yes. Yeah, like, oh, man, it was great. Especially as a bigger dude, Walmart was dope because you could go in there and you could get like some jeans or some shit. White tees.

White tees. The white tiara. Big white teeth the white t-air at walmart was so good to me i gotta contain a lot of it i'm a big dude so i've always rocked like an undershirt like like yeah you gotta you gotta you gotta you gotta keep it like a beater tight it's made it's like a spank sort of situation just keeps everything just keeps everything a little bit tighter yeah you go to like you go to walmart you get that easy For like six bucks you get like three of them. Yeah, get a pack. Yeah, no, Walmart was like. Yeah, and Dickies, man.

Like one time, you know, sometimes you fly too close to the sun. I got a pair of Dickies overalls. Okay. It was too much. You were looking like fucking Timberland in the Bubba Sparks video. Here's the worst part. Here's the worst part. I rocked him like down.

So like the bib down and connected. You know what I'm saying? Like you connect him, but you connect him down the front. And then just wearing a t-shirt. It was too much. You know, you're wild. And you're 19. You don't know what's going on.

You're wild. I feel like when you get into your 30s, that's going to be your vibe, though. I think you're going to come home. I'm 29 right now. And I feel I've never felt better about the clothes that I wear. You're wearing green socks now. I feel cool. You look cool. You look like a cat.

I feel like I got the Sambas. You look like what's next. Never would have done that before. Yeah. Yeah, what's next? That's what I want to look like. I want to be on that new hype. Yeah.

Speaking of that new hype, we're now in a new round. Okay. Third round. And, Borey, you have the first pick of the third round. Okay, let me see. I've been kind of fluctuating about, because so many of these is like, we've hit them. All right, let me see. Third round, I'm going to do, okay, this one might be weird, too.

Yeah. I'm going to do airbrushed clothing. That's not fair at all. Remember, did you ever do that? Yeah, my younger, the younger days. Yeah, too. Yeah. I'm going to do airbrushed clothing. It's not weird at all. Remember, did you ever do that? Yeah, the younger days. Yeah, it was like, because it was cheap. Because you would just get your Walmart shirt. And then I had one.

I tried to make up my own nicknames. So I had a full airbrushed t-shirt with a nightscape. And it said midnight on it. Because I thought, I wanted people to call me midnight. I'm real black. So I had like a full airbrush t-shirt with like a nightscape and it said midnight on it. Midnight? Because I thought, I wanted people to call me midnight. I'm real black. I thought it wouldn't be hard to like integrate. Nobody can nickname you.

I could never nickname you midnight. I would love to. No, I wasn't. But if it was mine. If it was mine. Midnight. I always assumed that maybe I could just like play it off like my family owned it. Yeah, yeah.

Or something. But it didn't work. So then I just had this cool shirt that said Midnight on it. Nobody got it. It's still dope. It was still dope. Like a night scape? Like a city scape at night? It was city scape.

And it was like real graffiti airbrush style. You know what I mean? But then this other kid who was from a different school, he had an Airbrush t-shirt that said R.I.P. Jose. And then it got. I mean, that's way cooler. He was gone too soon. Yeah, he was gone. He lost him to this crazy life.

That was never anything. This Vita Loca. You know, what am I going to. I'm wearing midnight. This dude's got R.I.P. t-shirts. R.I.P. Jose? Yeah, he shit on me. He shit on me.

You got that whole cityscape is the cityscape that giveth and taketh away. Yeah, exactly. It took Jose away. It took Jose, man. That is bucking. RIP, dude. I never had anything airbrushed, man. Once again, very, very, very white suburban upbringing.

I had my buddy Malcolm had, he would get his shoes airbrushed. What? With like his name or whatever. So he'd get like some white ones and just like, yeah. Yeah, and then they would like, because they would do it like, but he would get, I remember, do you remember Master P had a clothing company for a little bit? P. Miller. P. Miller.

I remember P. Miller, yeah. They made shoes, and the shoes were super whack, but they looked kind of like forces. So my friend would get them, and then he would get them airbrushed with shit on them. Yeah. And then it would sort of look like he just had like custom forces. So from afar, yeah, custom forces. Yeah. And you probably got them for like 45 bucks.

Yeah, yeah. Up close, P. Miller's all the way. But they had the straps so nobody could tell, you know what I mean? What were some of the other nicknames that you tried to give yourself? Do you remember any of them? Oh, man. Midnight was the main one. I tried Blue.

Blue? Which I don't even, it was just, I just didn't like the way David sounded. I tried to push DG for a minute. DG's all right. That's dope. It doesn't feel, it doesn't click, though. I never got one. And the ones I got, I never, like, there's a good group,

there's a pretty large group of people in Elizabeth, Colorado, who call me Skinny Pimpin'. Skinny Pimpin'. But I never liked that. They call me Skinny Pimpin' or Slim Pickins'. Because it's the opposite. Yeah. It's busting balls.

It is busting balls. It's a ball buster. You don't want that. You want a nickname for being something cool. That's kind of a mean nickname. It's like a little bit like fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's like everybody in our hometown.

We had a kid named Garbage. Yeah. Garbage. JR. He's still garbage. We came up with a kid that we nicknamed punk rock sausage face oh yeah we're talking nicknames dude you gotta go through whoa whoa you gotta there was a girl that we called chicken salad sandwich face all these sound so mean but they

were not mean they were just hilarious and they meant chicken salad sandwich who's the girl who you see somebody brought up someone's nickname and you had to explain it? Skizzat. Dude, there was this girl nicknamed Skizzat. Sounds like a horrible nickname. Yeah. The way it came about is my friend Dustin, rest in peace, Dustin Steineke. He's like, damn, I'd hizzat that Skizzat.

It's all he said. It's not derogatory at all. So my friend Smith one time, we're chilling at this party, and he goes, hey, Maggie, you know everybody calls you Skizzat, right? And then he boned out. And I'm like're just gonna die me like holding the bill so i had to explain i was like it's not bad it's just and she goes it sounds terrible i was like it's not it's not supposed to be so bad is that is that like you can't introduce that you're here to your mom with that name. Yeah. I'm in love with a woman and her name is Skizzette.

You're going to have to deal with it, Kelly. Mom, this is Skizzette. Do you ever have any nicknames? I had a few. In football, they called me Sticky, which everybody thought was because I stuck people real hard. But the truth of it was, I had a football coach who also happened to have been my third or fourth grade teacher. Fifth grade teacher. He also happened to be my fifth grade teacher. And then he was your coach in high school.

And then he ended up being my coach in high school. And he was also friends with my third grade teacher. And my third grade teacher nicknamed me Sticky because I was so sweaty as a third grader. I want that like paper would stick to my hand. I'd be like, ugh. Like Spider-Man before he realizes he's Spider-Man. Right before his powers.

And also people were like, oh yeah, like caramel, caramel, sticky caramel. That's pretty good. It sounds cool though. It sounds cool. So Sticky, from my third grade teacher, was friends with my fifth grade teacher. So when I got to fifth grade, Coach Corey, RIP Mr. Corey, just one of those life-changing

teachers, by the way. Shout out to teachers. And so he called me Sticky. And then when I got to middle school, I thought I was done with it. But then there he was, a football coach. And then all of a sudden, everyone on the football team called me Sticky. The football names, dude, that's Sticks. Yes.

So I played in two different schools in ninth grade. Thank God, because my first ninth grade school, we show up for summer weightlifting. Yeah. Eighth grade going into ninth grade. And he's trying to read my name off the thing. And he's like, David. This guy's name was Ed Bendocus, Coach Bendocus. Yeah.

He always used to say, the ladies call me Special Ed. Funny dude, looks exactly like you think he does. Exactly like you think he does. Yeah. David, what the fuck is it? David DeBorgi? Orgy? David Orgy?

I was Orgy for the rest of that football season. Of course you were. Orgy. Orgy. Get over here. Orgy. I was Orgy for football season. I was Orgy for Orgy. Get over here. I was orgy for football season. I was orgy for wrestling season.

Oh, no. I left that school. I saw the other school in football camp the next summer in Wyoming. I walked up to my old friends from my old school. Orgy. Still orgy. I guess I've known you for a few years now,

and I never would have guessed that you'd have been nicknamed Midnight and Orgy, dude. Midnight wasn't even real. You sound like a sexual american gladiators i should just be midnight orgy that'll be my first album midnight orgy midnight or yeah i fucking that is a awesome name for a first album i think so because i never got it i never i just want to get it in the way i wanted to get it in i never i always wanted a cool nickname it's always hard to try to give yourself a nickname. It's impossible, man.

I won't say which one it was, but I think it was in early high school. And one of my best friends on this entire planet asked us to call him, and I'll tell you off here, asked us to call him Ugly Casanova. Whoa. That's like Styles from Beyond, though. That's good. Ugly Casanova. Whoa. That's like Styles from Beyond, though. That's good. Ugly Casanova. Well, it was either an Isaac Brock album or somebody put out,

I have to look it up, that Ugly Casanova was like an album that some indie rock did. Like, that's a rapper name right now. Ugly Casanova would be a dope rapper name. Ugly Casanova. Ugly Casanova. Oh, they're a rock band on Sub Pop. Oh, yeah, Sharpen Your Teeth. And, yeah, Isaac Brock was a member.

I was right. It was so modest mouse. It was like a side project. And we were all into that shit. And he asked us to call him Ugly Casanova. I remember on AOL Instant Messenger. And we were just like. I mean, he could go.

What was it, like a group aim? And he was like, hey, guys, how are you guys doing? Happy Tuesday. Just from I want you to know by the way tomorrow we start calling the ugly casanova i will be ugly casanova tomorrow at school ugly casanova and we were just like no no dude i had a friend like that but no none of us are gonna call you that i had a friend like that his uh his mom who actually funny story he played up football with me and his mom who it turns out she story, he played football with me.

And his mom, who it turns out she worked for our school in high school. Oh, yeah. Turns out got caught embezzling a bunch of money. Whoa. And went to prison from our school. That's a hard transition. Right? Yeah. But she was one of the first people to buy an Escalade from our school's money.

Of course. And that was like, he took his driver's test in the Escalade. He called it the Sexcalade. Yeah. And then he was like, guys, I'm riding around in the Sexcalade. You guys should start calling me Munsexy. His last name was Munsey. And he tried to get the dudes on his football team. To call him Munsexy?

Munsexy. No. Why? Like money? Like Mun, like money? I don't know. I think it was just to put. Mun-sexy.

Mun-sexy. Oh, yeah. Mun-sexy. But it was not. Yeah. That was probably the worst one I ever heard. Two bucks, dude. Sounds like a French prostitute.

It's so ugly sounding. It really is awful. It's too many syllables. It's too many. That was the thing about ugly Casanova. It's too much. It wouldn't fit on a football jersey. It's too much.

Yeah. You can't put that on a senior shirt. Hey,ly Casanova is that it wouldn't fit on a football jersey. Yeah, you got, yeah. You can't put that on a senior shirt. Hey, Ugly Casanova, are you done with the ranch you were using for your fries? Can I have it? Like, what the fuck? I'm not going to call you Ugly Casanova. Yeah. Oh, who'd you get in a fight with last night?

Hey, fuck you, Ugly Casanova. Like, it's too much, man. But if somebody else made it up. Yeah. I would call somebody ugly. Like, if I made it up for somebody and caught on, I'd love to do it. Well, if I met you and you said your name was Ugly Casanova, I'm not a monster. I'll call you that.

Yeah. You met me. If I met you. And I was like, oh, David, I'm Ugly Casanova. What am I? You forced my hand. You're a cool enough dude to pass out. Yeah, I'd call you UC probably is what I'd do. Showtime was the one I wanted to give myself. Showtime and the rattlesnake i tried to get myself

not even the rattler though just the rattlesnake did you say the or did you want to be rattlesnake the rattlesnake we were to salt lake city we walked into this party a house party and i walked up to everyone there because they were all strangers i was what's up my name's my name's the rattlesnake everybody calls me the rattlesnake and there was our friend adam or tori would come up and they'd be like nobody calls him fucking rattlesnake don't even start and so we agreed as a cohesive friend unit to call my car the rattlesnake oh that's good that's a great move that's pretty cool like all right hop in the rattlesnake i have a hat at home i haven't worn it it's a brown Corduroy hat

With a rattlesnake on it I know it is That's not your hat He peeped it He peeped it He peeped it day one So what I mean to say is I don't have a hat at home

You have a hat at home With a rattlesnake on it You should wear it tonight I will wear it tonight Okay cool Yeah Before we I get a feeling we gotta move on

We do I just wanna say Two new nicknames Eastside Thriller Was this dude that used to work At the gas station Or lurk at the gas station We. Eastside Thriller was this dude that used to work at the gas station – or lurk at the gas station. We called Eastside Thriller. Yeah.

And this kid in Home Ec, we used to call Owner of a Lonely Heart. That was his name. You should have called him Boner of a Lonely Heart. Boner of a Lonely Heart. All right. So we're on you now, John. You're on anything. So that's airbrushed clothing.

We're on third pick, right? You're on third pick, yeah. My third pick is going to be fronting and or stunting oh front and stunting at the mall oh yeah you're somebody you're a new man when you when they don't know you got pants last week this shit this shit that you couldn't wear at school was the big thing so like big dog shirts or like not big dog but like big johnson big johnson oh yeah stuff like that like liquor up front poker at the rear you could show up be like i don't care yeah like shirts that like i don't care sn liquor up front, poker at the rear. You could show up and be like, I don't care. Or, like, shirts that, like, snuck in, you know, whatever.

Like, the word pussy or bitch or something. You could wear that. Or, like, weed shirts. Shit with weed leaves on it. Weed shirts, yeah. With a weed leaf on it. Never, you know. But, like, that was.

You hate weed. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I hate it for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was just saying. For the culture.

But that's great. I get it, yeah. Because you feel like kind of a chump. I had a cross-color suit that I didn't really like wearing to school because it was a little too buck. Was it also? What color was it? It was like.

You were deep in the cross-colors, dude. It was. Yeah. I had like a yellow button-up that I would wear and then the turquoise pants and then I would wear a shirt under it that just had a. Hold on. I got to get my sunglasses. That was crazy.

The shirt that I'd wear under it was just had a hold on i gotta get my sunglasses that was crazy the shirt that i'd wear under it was a giant it was white but it had a giant orange africa continent on it yo and i would wear the whoa i looked like i was the guy in a tlc video oh my god but like the early like hat to the back tlc yeah yeah yeah like ain't you proud to beg baby baby baby yeah yeah yeah you could be the white guy in the baby baby baby and if i wore that to school even my teachers would be like you you need for some reason you need to go to the office i can't quite put my finger on why yet i don't have the language to explain to you you can't be the rattlesnake and wear the africa t-shirt this is not allowed man you're doing too

much you're in the black mamba is what you should have tried to get it and like stealing went in there because i'd be like i just stole some shit like i was just so hard yeah i mean that's what the mall is for wasn't hard at all but you would i would front quite a bit at the mall or like nobody knew that i biked or walked to the mall yeah you know so yeah they didn't know how you got there you could be a different person yeah that was your bike chained up up front. They don't know. Or your mom drops you off at TJ Maxx around the corner, and you walk to the mall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another Saint, Kelly Jordan.

I went to the mall with my mom a lot, though. I didn't mind going with Susan. I minded it when I would. I got in trouble. We were at the mall one time, and I was at the arcade for too long. Yeah. And my mom couldn't find me, and she came out and just dressed me down in front of the arcade. Oh, no.

Oof. There were all these Samoan girls from school. That's usually a high traffic area, too. Oh, yeah. That's the area. Because it's, like, the cool place to be a kid. You know what I mean? Yes.

Everybody, like, that's, like, its own zone. Man, I got yelled at in front. Oh, man, I almost cried. It was bad. I caught a bad one that way. That is a bad, that's a bad trip. Yeah, it's about as bad as it gets. Sprunting and stunting is good.

Did people ever, would you ever catch compliments on your shit? Not really. I was always trying so hard. Like, I didn't stop trying that hard until I started skating. And then I found, like, who I am. And it hasn't changed for, like, 20 years. But you have to. It was the thing.

I was going, when you were talking about the headband and the hat, like, you do have to front until you find it. Like, it's only the key where you have to try it in all these doors. Yeah. I remember one day. This was in college, by the way. This was not that long ago. I was maybe 19, 20 years old.

I showed up. I showed up. Fuck, this just keeps getting worse. Improv class, my friends. And wearing. And I thought I looked up. Wearing like khaki shorts, a white button down, and a red headband. With like these white, with these red.

I can't even. You got to run that back. I can't even hold. Like Richard Branson playing racquetball? You got to run that back. I can't even like, I don't get it. Khaki shorts. This isn't even a look that I'd seen on someone else. I was just like, maybe this is what's up. That's dope though. Sometimes you got to roll those dice.

I was rolling those dice hard. I was rolling them. Shake them up, shake them, man. Dude. And so like, I forget exactly what kind of Nikes. They must have been red. Probably red Dunk Lowe's. That's a good shoe.

That's fantastic. Red Dunk Lowe's, khaki shorts. Red Dunk Lowe's, khaki shorts. Not cargs, but khaki shorts. I'm with you right to that. No, they were cargs. They were definitely cargo shorts. Why do people hate cargo shorts?

Oh, that's a whole, that's a conversation. I don't get it. I feel like it strikes a chord. I feel like it strikes a weird chord in white women. Yeah's somewhere deep like that hatred i've never understood they think that's where white guys keep roofies is that what the cargo shorts no i don't know why they hate it like and it's like they don't even look bad i don't look bad they don't look bad they're pretty comfortable like i don't but there's. But there's just like crazy. There's a huge campaign against them.

And I have been shamed out of wearing them. I don't wear them. Oh, yeah. They will shame you right. They're pretty cool, though. I have khaki shorts without pockets on them on the side that I do not like that much. Really? I rock Dickie shorts a lot. Like Dickie's khaki shorts.

Oh, that can be a good short. That's basically what I got. I just wish they had cargo pockets. Yeah. I don't understand. I've never understood that hatred. It's a phone charger I could put in there. Yes. That's anything. I got. I just wish they had cargo pockets. Yeah. I don't understand. I've never understood that hatred. It's a phone charger I could put in there. Yes.

It's anything. You can put anything. You can keep a sandwich. I mean, this is a stand-up joke I do, but there's literally a sandwich-shaped pocket. It's the exact size of a good bread. Yeah. See? Get your PBJ, then get your tuna fish.

Yeah. You don't know where you're going to be at today. You don't know where you're going to be. If you're going out for the day, if you're at a comedy festival, how great would that be? Yeah. Now I've got two sandwiches on me. Say at. If you're going out for the day, if you're at a comedy festival, how great would that be? Now I've got two sandwiches on me. Say something. Somebody's paying $11 for a sandwich? Yeah. Tell me I'm not

living right now. I've got this sandwich in my pocket. It costs you about $3, but it doesn't taste like it does. No, exactly. I've got good mayo. I use olive oil mayo. Yeah, that is good mayo. I don't mind cargo shorts, man. It doesn't make any fucking sense to me. I've never understood that. But the outfit I was wearing, it was cargo shorts, but it was not.

The white button down. Big Jufro, by the way, at this point in my life. Whoa. Big, curly. You got to watch that as a fat guy. Loose curls, but curly. Okay. I've seen a picture of you wearing what you're talking about, I think.

Yeah. There is a picture. There's a picture of me with a red bandana that I tied. Red? Oh, like Springsteen style? Springsteen. Yeah, yeah. Like rolled or like?

Rolled. Ooh, wow. Yeah. And what was the shirt? It was just a white short-sleeved button-down. White, though. White, though. That is, I don't think, I feel like that isn't, that is crazy.

It was a strike. It's just like, sometimes you gotta take those L's. I understand. I had, but you had to figure it out. And I was like, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was like, I It's just like, sometimes you got to take those L's. I understand. I had, but you had to figure it out. And I was like, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was like, I don't know about this, Carmel. And then walked out. And then walk out of the house, get too far away before you can turn back.

You're like, oh, that's one of my friends. Yeah, but I would have, if there was a mall that wasn't Pioneer Place in downtown Portland, I would have worn it to that mall. Dude, I used to do, that was another thing about the mall. I could never do a bandana. You could wear, I could wear bandanas to the mall and not have anybody like school couldn't tell me to take it off yeah all employees yeah and like i what was your preferred whole long story but i thought i was in a gang for a while like i got beat into a gang and everything it's not a long story i wasn't

it sounds like you were in a gang yeah right well and you were wearing bandanas and they jumped you in i would wear tupac not up front like i would turn the knot up front, but my hair was like this long. So I just looked like a dipshit. And I'd have like a Hanes navy blue sweatshirt on, Dickies, and like some Cortez's or something. That's why I'd wear that now. I would too. I got Cortez's at the house. I love the Cortez's.

I'm not showing you hard enough to wear one. I thought I was a gangster and you could wear that at the mall. They would let you do that at school. They'd be like, no, just no bandana. You can't wear bandanas. You can't wear a fucking bandana. You're crazy. I tried to rock.

I remember one time, just one time, I tried to rock the DMX-style bandana. Oh, yeah. That's for a certain man. That man's name is Earl. Yeah. That's not forever. John Rule tried to get down on it for a while. Yeah, he kind of did, but you just can't be – it's so ridiculous.

Yeah. You have to have the confidence to not be like, yeah, it's not weird. What about that dip set high roll – that high flat bandana? Oh. It's almost like a cramp. That's a dip set one, right? Yeah, that's a Jewel Santana. Jewel Santana.

It was like a crown. It was like starched. It must have been starched because it was so hard. They would hang out kind of and you're like a hat. Yeah, bandanas are tough. That's a tough. You got to really want it. Also, same with do-rags in public.

Yeah, God. Oh, man. That's the non-starter for me. I had during the 50 Cent era, I had a white one, a black one, and a gray one. And you would wear them under hats. But it was just, like, you just, I didn't have a self-confidence. Like, it just wasn't there. So there's nothing worse than a not-confident do-rag.

No, no. Where you're just like, maybe you should, where you take it off in the middle of an engagement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yo, yeah, you can't respect a dude who walked in with a do-rag and walked out without it. Without what? Yeah, yeah. That's a bad look. Oh.

But a good look was picking front and stunting. Stunting in front. That was a good move. That was a good move. I fucking love that. Now it is on me. And with the final pick of the third round, my third pick, I'm going to draft a story that is no longer with us.

Oh, shit. The Sharper Image. Oh, shit! Yeah. Whoa! Pour some out for the Sharper Image one time. R.I.P. the Sharper Image, and while we're at it, R.I.P. SkyMall Magazine, which felt like the Sharper Image's high-flying cousin.

The Sharper Image, that was like the America that could have been. It was. It was a vision of the future. Oh, man. That felt like it had a little bit of H.R. Geiger in it, but not in a scary way. Yeah, no, not alien Geiger. Yeah, but fun, sleek.

Everything was black and sleek. Yeah, all that silver stuff. You never got the silver, but you know what we're talking? Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had crazy, weird shit. Crazy shit. A page turner. It was so dope. A page? Yeah! You know what we're talking? Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had crazy weird shit. Crazy shit. It was like a page turner.

It was so dope. A page? Yeah! For your magazine. For your magazine. I can turn my pages, but I don't want to. But I bought this at Sharper Image. It would have a remote, but like a remote that was still wired to the page turner.

Yeah. So you could do that for it. It was like, yeah. I remember it would always be like dads in there. It was always dads. Just dads in there. Just like, huh, look in there. It was always dads. Just dads in there just like, huh, look at this. It was not convenient.

It was dudes making 70 grand a year who didn't know what to spend it on because they were like, I got my dockers. You know? So they're in there just getting massage chairs. Kenny G's not dropping for another six months. I got to spend this money.

Exactly. I got to move this. Yeah. I got to get it liquid. Putting something in your beer in the fridge like something to hold my beer in the fridge yes yeah those like icy mugs that you put yeah oh man so much it was that store was for dad hologram stuff and all the hologram alarm clocks yeah dude i love i love that it was just fun i can't believe that went away yeah right

leather coffee cups leather yeah you. Yeah, you would. But it'd be shit like that. That type of shit. Oh, man. And it was so fun because it was like, even as a kid, it was definitely for dads to buy things. You were never rolling in there with your allowance. No.

You know that. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I ever bought anything like that. No, I didn't either. But it was so fun to just sit around and play because there'd be crazy shit. There'd be miniature pool tables, or you'd sit in a massage chair, or there'd be like Flom. Just like weird fun. Oh, the weird. Jack's cousin, Flom. Yeah. there'd be like miniature pool tables where you'd sit like in a massage chair or there'd be like, remember Floam? Just like weird fun.

Oh, the weird, yeah. Gak's cousin, Floam. Yeah, Floam, Gak's cousin. Exactly. It was like styrofoam that was like put together by loogies. It didn't fart like Gak. It did, no.

That was more of a, it was just a tensile weird thing to feel with your hands. But yeah. They had those little sand, those little zen sand gardens. Yeah, yeah. That was like the first place to show it. Magnet sculptures. Coffee had those little sand, those little zen sand gardens. Yeah, yeah. That was like the first place

to sign it. Magnet sculptures. Coffee table size like zen garden things where you could just like take a little toothpick and put it in your face. Yeah, yeah.

What was the thing with all the metal rods where you would put Yeah, you put it on your face. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Imagine how dirty that motherfucking thing was

when you're just putting it on your face. Did anybody ever do that on their dick? I never had one to do it. Somebody must have done that on a dick. 100% people did it. Yeah, they must have. I never got my hands on one that wasn't at a mall.

Yeah, me either. I never saw that shit in somebody's house. Sharper image. Sharper image. That was a good ass store. If it was around right now, I swear I got out on 10 things from the Sharper Image. Yo, because I'm getting Sharper Image money now, which is just to save more money than a child. Yeah.

Like, really? That is Sharper Image money is more than $12,000 a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. It's not crazy. Yeah, dude. RIP the Sharper Image.

That was the first place that had those travel pillows, I remember. It did? Yeah, the neck pillows. They had the neck pillows that had those travel pillows, I remember. It did? Yeah, the neck pillows. They had the neck pillows early at the gate. You were going for that. Because there was a minute you didn't see those things everywhere. It was like, this dude must be flying every month. Right?

Yeah. He's got this special flying pillow. Fucking George Clooney up in the air over here. Yeah, yeah. I need this. I want to understand until later. I need this for quality of life. I need this.

This isn't a luxury. It's a vertebrae issue, Cheryl. I just bought one of those. It was so overrated. I got a neck pillow that has a eye shade pocket in it. I must have got the wrong one because I spent $30 for one at JFK. It was just not good. You can't buy it at the airport because they will put you over a barrel.

$30, dude. You got to go to like oh god what's the where do you go now luggage store now oh the store the place at the lloyd center yeah like they have them in the airports too what the fuck is the name of it where you can get like the uh the deep the bb8 robots from star wars and shit like that yeah sharper image it's like it is it's basically a sky mall in a store store. Yeah. That's what it is. What the fuck is it called? R.I.P. Sharper Image. R.I.P.

The Third Round. We are now in the fourth round. How many rounds are we doing? We usually go five. We're going to do four? We're going to do four, but let's try to pick a- I got such a good one this round. Let's pick up the pace of the fourth round, and then we'll-

Because where are we at? Like an hour and a half already? Pushing it. Okay, cool. Let's try to keep it. No, beautiful. It's wonderful. I think people listen and like it.

Nobody's bummed out thinking they're here an extra half hour. These three gentlemen. Come on, these guys. Fun mall shit. Just a minute of the height of their mental health. Is it my pick right now? No, it's my pick. Damn.

I don't think you guys are going to get my next one, though. My next one's, I got some wild shit. I got, ooh, God. I got some buck ones on here, too. I was going to wait until the fifth round to pick this, but I want it so bad that I'm going to pick it in the fourth round, just on the off chance that one of you dudes would take it. And what I'm taking is walking, and this is a current one.

This is not a throwback to childhood. This is me at malls right now in my life. Walking into expensive stores looking like shit but having more money than anyone else in that store and then spending that money with a salesperson who actually bothered to help you yo i that doesn't happen to me too often it has happened to me where you just like you got like i get that with shoes a lot yeah yeah you're going all the time and like you know You don't look cool. You're not whatever.

Yeah. And there's some guy who's got Jordan 5s on, but he's not trying to buy another pair. Right, exactly. He's just a looky-loo. He wants people to see him in his 5s. And I'm trying to Julia Roberts these motherfuckers. Yep, exactly. Big mistake.

Huge. Big mistake. You work on commission. Yeah. Big mistake. I'm buying four pairs of Air Maxes today with my man JR over here. I was at fucking – I thought of it because it just happened to me like two weekends ago. Two weekends ago.

In Portland? I was in Portland. I was back home in Portland. No sales tax, by the way. Great place to ball out. I'm staying at this hotel right across from Nordstrom. I was getting coffee with my mom and my sister. And I hope this doesn't sound like bragging.

I'm lucky enough in a place where I have very little expenses and I make a decent amount of money. So I was – That's the dream. It's the dream. I was with my mom and my sister. And there's a Nordstrom's across the street. I think that's national, right? Yeah, Nordstrom's is everywhere.

And it's not even in a mall, right? This was like a, this is a freestanding one outside of pioneer square. And it's, it's like a, it's, it's not like a Bloomingdale's or whatever, but it's like pretty high. It's got higher end shit. So we, I walked in there and I was wearing like, uh, some black shorts looking grubby, you know? Uh, I'd like a gray t-shirt after we had had like 30 shots of vodka.

It was the day, it was two of vodka? It was two days later. It was two days later. I went in there with this gray t-shirt, just looking schlubby. People looking at me weird. I was wearing shitty Adidas Ultra. The Ultra Boost is a great shoe, but these ones I walked all through Europe in. They would beat the fuck up. I walked in and nobody would come over and help us.

Nobody would really look at me. Nobody would come talk to me and everything. And then I just dropped. And when one dude finally did, when one guy finally came over, I went hard. Hell yeah. I'm not going to say the amount, but I went real hard on both. My mom wouldn't let me buy her anything, damn it. But my little sister couldn't take my

money faster oh yeah yeah and then i was like i was feeling it so i bought i bought some stuff for myself and it's all commissioned there and i was just like just i didn't say it out loud but in my head i was like fuck you fuck you yeah fuck you this guy is my fucking god who looked like j larson helped me he was the best you always feel so good because it's like, yeah, man, that's what's up. Like when the guy comes to you when nobody else is coming to you. Or like, because I get it. I'll go in some places sometimes and they'll just be hella like, everybody will be hella rude about it. Like, do you need anything?

Yes, exactly. Can I help you find anything? And then like the one person usually, yeah, usually just like a dude. He's like the weirdest looking sales dude. Yes. He's like, what are you doing here? You know what I mean? He's like, like he sees, we see it, we're kindred spirits.

Like he's like, I'm not supposed to be in here either. Yeah. But I'm doing it. And then that dude's always like, hey man, do you like, when they're like positive about it, then you're like, yeah. Yeah. Do you need anything? I need a lot of stuff.

Yeah. Because I really, I really don't know what I'm getting. Yeah. I rarely don't know what I'm getting yeah i rarely don't know what i'm getting when i go in a store yeah exactly i have a goal on this one i went in with a goal and then like had goals added to it as i was walking through the aisles and this guy's just like yo it pays to hook me up with this he's like what about this fucking john varvatos thing and i was like i normally would never buy this but for you they both look good i saw them both they look

good right yeah rob dyrdek uh former professional skateboarder turned mogul, in an interview a long time ago said one of his favorite things was pulling up in a brand new BMW to a really nice restaurant and hopping out and just looking like a piece of shit. Yeah. And then having a valet, and they're just like, what? And he goes, I'm rich. I just love it. I'm rich.

Yeah, that's the best. That's like, what else is the point of being rich? To just look like you're supposed to be there? It comes from, for me, I think it comes from this deep place. That's the best. That's like, why, what else is the point of being rich? To just look like you're supposed to be there? It comes from, for me, I think it comes from this deep, like, not only, like, we probably couldn't afford to, but we were like middle class, but like, you know, we weren't like, nobody was like bawling out in my face. Yeah, right. But then, like, so we would go into these stores, and like a lot of the time, not only

would they not help, but they also just didn't have a single thing in my size. Yeah. Not only can I rock 2X, you know, and, like, most brands are making, like, 2X stuff. I go in, and I'm like, and I still, I have this, like, chip on my shoulder from childhood, like, fuck you, I'm going to get it. You know, like. No, I still get it.

I still, I'm a 3X man. I mean, if I ever get money, that's exactly what, I mean. Yeah, the only point about having money that seems cool to me is just being able to spend it on funny stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I don't give a shit about real estate. No, man know i just want to pay money to customize a dart gun you know what i mean my friend andy last like i am broke you know and one of the my one of my things that i look forward to

if it happens was like just picking up a check oh yeah my friend andy last night picked up dinner and i'm like i saw how much it was like jesus christ man i couldn't, man. I couldn't have got it. I couldn't have paid for it. Even if I wanted to, I'd be like, well, I got to go to South Dakota to pay for that. My problem is I don't have the money to do that. But if I'm out and about and I'm kind of drinking and I have like a couple hundred bucks on me, I will buy you, if we've ever talked before ever, I'll buy you a drink. Drunk budget's a very different thing. Dude, I buy people.

I can't afford it. And I just buy people, especially in LA, where it's like $5, $6 a beat. Strangers drink thing. Dude, I buy people. I can't afford it, and I just buy people. Especially in L.A., where it's like $5, $6 a piece. I'm buying Stranger Drinks sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, what's up, man? You want a drink? I did that in New Orleans at this comedy festival.

I was just at the bar grabbing drinks for me and a couple friends, and this improv girl walked up. I had no designs of hitting on her or anything like that. She walked up. I was like, whatever she wants, and then walked away. That's so great. Just because it felt cool at the time, but the next morning I was like, what if she wanted, like, you know, like. What if she's getting.

Yeah, what if she's drinking Patron? What if she got her boyfriend? Dude, the first year I did Bridgetown. Yeah. Sean Patton. I didn't even know him from a can of paint. He just came up and he was just like, he was like, hey, man, you're a comedian. I was like, yeah.

He's like, you ever done Bridgetown before? I was i was like no it's my first time he's like you want a beer and then he bought it and i was like wow what a cool guy maybe this guy will be like my mentor in comedy and he'll just teach me the ways in the future and then he just walked away i saw him do risk the next day it was just, I've just been buying new comedians drinks all weekend. Yeah, I felt so not special. I was just like, oh, I just want to. Sean Patton. He gets around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a mentor in everybody. All right, so we absolutely did not keep that short, but that's it. Unless you have one more thing to say about it? Say it. No, no. If you do, say it. I got another pick. All right, beautiful, because it is your pick.

It's your fourth pick. Middle of the fourth round. Second pick of the fourth round. I'm picking fighter 2 oh shit yes and yes it's like i love how specific it is because i don't think i've ever even seen a street fighter game the street fighter 2 defined me in middle school yes i'm fighting what is street fighter it's i know what it is now the first street fighter it's a horrible version it's like double dragon kind of yeah that's what it is who does it have all the does it have all the characters it's got like canon it's got like four i think i remember being a kid and like people talking about street fighter like it was a myth just like yo i heard in street fighter one

honda skinny like yeah like shit like yeah yeah we used to go. E-Honda Skinny. Yeah, Blanca's like a dude with orange hair. Yeah, it's like before that shit happened. We would go to the Western Mall, and sometimes the Big Mall, but the Western Mall

was a small one where they had a Street Fighter 2 at the Electric Rainbow, and I would go in, and it always just had mad people around it, and I would fucking run them. Like, I was really good at it.

You were still to this day. You're a Street Fighter 2 guy, and you're a Dr. Mario guy. Dr. Mario. You're still to this day. You're a Street Fighter 2 guy, and you're a Dr. Mario guy. Dr. Mario. You're the king of Dr. Mario. I've seen people step to you at that. And they step away real quick. They get put down.

I got in a fight one time. So I beat this kid in Street Fighter 2, and then he's standing behind me, and I'm playing Smith, whipping his ass, by the way. And then this kid spits on me, and it hit my ear, and then went on the screen.

And I was heavy in Taekwondo at that point. I was like 10. I was heavy in Taekwondo? I turned around and just started roundhouseing him like five times. I've never heard this before. Whoa. He punched me in the stomach. I hit my xiphoid process.

So it knocked the wind out of me. And this is how little we were. Like a 70-year-old lady broke it up. And we're both still trying to fight. And she's like pulling us apart. And then the kids waited outside in the mall hallway for us. And so we called Smith's mom. old lady broke it up and we're both still trying to fight and she's like pulling us apart and then the kids waited outside in the mall hallway for us and so we called smith's mom in the mall way and we're like carol you gotta come get us because you gotta come get us shit out of us

it's going down right now i don't have time to talk i can street fight in a video game but not in real life so i'm gonna need you to come that game was the mall for me for a good, like, three years. That's all I wanted to do. I'm glad it's – That game – That tensions run high, too. I get it. Dude, I like that you didn't pick the arcade.

I love that you picked just Street Fighter 2. Yeah, you were just like, that's the game. At Aladdin's Castle, you could see a crowd of people. That was the one in the big mall, and you'd be like, oh, that's where Street Fighter must be this month. Yeah. Because they'd move it around. Because right next door to it, there'd be that weird Aerosmith game

where you launch CDs and shit shit nobody was fucking with that it's all it was all yeah i always over there just the old guy hanging out at the party that's like you were really cool though if you were like on the street fighter because that was like yeah everybody put their quarters up and the person who was on it was the good one yeah like i would i would run it for days just beating older fools all the time man that's that's impressive that's pretty cool that's impressive so i hear roundhouse some dudes i turned around with just the eye of the tiger player and no he spit on you what are you gonna do you're gonna let that slide seriously that's the only time to this day that i've ever been spit on and that's how i reacted

when i was 10 i can't imagine what i would do now six and i'm pretty calm eight roundhouses at this point yeah yeah yeah but But like man roundhouses. That's 78. She's not breaking it up today. I know. Not today. Carol, fly in from Phoenix. It would take at the oldest, the 45-year-old woman, to break it up now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like CrossFit, like LA 45. Yeah, one of the sinewy people. Sinewy. Real, real crepey looking. Yeah. Oh, man. Street Fighter II, 2 amazing pick that is an amazing pick david boy i'm excited for your amazing pick fourth round the final pick of the fourth final pick of the fourth round you guys didn't see it coming i'm going with wilson's the leather x what yo

you're dude your boy pat jordan rest in peace my father bought a notre dame jacket from wilson's gave it to me and i told this on craft piece too but he gave it to me and then i didn't wear it a bunch because you couldn't wear it to middle school because you just looked insane yeah yeah you were a boy with a man's clothing and he was 6 6 350 so it was like 2xl leather notre dame jacket a year later he goes let me get that jacket back. He took it back, dude. And then he left it to me when he died. He left it to me, and now I don't know where it is.

Oh, no. Do you think it's somewhere in the Calgary household? It's somewhere in mom's house. If it's in the crib, that's good. You could give that to Borey, dude. Yo! Did you send that to Sugar Shane Torres in New York for those hard winters? Oh, God, Shane, you have to wear this next time you do it. Oh, man. Did you send that to Sugar Shane Torres in New York for those hard winters? Oh, God, Shane, you have to wear this next time you do it.

Oh, man. Because I would rock that. Yeah. Wilson's is fine. You can get ponchos, too. That's where we got our ponchos. The only non-leather thing that we could get at Wilson's was like a poncho when they're real popular.

I didn't even know. I just remember going in there, being in there as like a kid with my mom and just like lots of dudes, lots of dudes looking like R. Kelly type steeves. Like looking for leather vests and shit. And the type of person who's going to wear a leather vest is going to look like R. Kelly.

And it smells like leather. It's like some mature sexual dudes where you're like, what's your story? How'd you get to here? How'd you go from a child to this point? It's such a weird vibe in there. It's a weird smell in there. It smelled like leather. You could smell it in the hallway.

Yeah, and I never even bought anything in there, but I've just been in there before. Yeah, we used to just get eight-ball jackets, Looney Tunes jackets. Oh, man. I want an eight-ball jacket for this winter. Dude, all the trash. Do they still have eight-ball jackets? They have to. You go to a swap league.

Oh, God. I guarantee it. Oh, like Slossin? Of course. Of course still have 8-ball jackets? I mean, you saw, they have to. You go to a swap meet. Oh, God, I guarantee it. Oh, like, Slossin? Yeah. Of course, of course they got 8-ball jackets. That would be dope. We should go to one of those. I bet that would be fun. Oh, man.

Swap meet on Slossin. Yeah. I don't know if I can. I'm going shopping after this. Me and my homie, we're having a Fat Dude Burlington Coat Factory run. Oh, Burlington's good. Yeah, he's, yo, he's in the parking lot right now. Burlington's got Fat Dude stuff.

Yeah, they got the best one. I've been going over there. They got Tommy Hilfiger shirts. Yeah. And they got Nautica shirts. It's good. Nautica. Nautica.

Nautica. I hold it down for Nautica still. Wilson's. Wilson's the leather. Should we do round five as a lightning round, or are we done? Let's do it. Let's do it fairly quick. No, let's do the, we'll do it as a quick round.

Okay. Bore, your fifth pick. All right, let me see. Your final pick. Fifth final pick is going to be, and this is a weird, so this is sort of weird. I don't know. I don't know how many of you guys had this, but waiting for your mom in Victoria's Secret. Oh, yeah.

That was an awakening. That was. Whoa. Kelly Jordan wouldn't dare go into a victoria secret dude yeah i'm overly didn't get that kind of candy that was always an experience because it's for them it's just like hey i gotta pick up some underwear yeah couldn't be less sexy for them yo in your head in your head though you're like yeah and you're just looking you're just, no, I'm about to go to town. And you're just looking at beautiful women

at Victoria's Secret knowing they're about to buy something. Because beautiful women holding bras. But they sell normal shit. Because boobs as a kid are like, what? I always thought it was just like gnarly underwear. It's like normal underwear that they sell. That's a good place to get underwear. I think it's a high quality underwear.

And this could be any underwear. It doesn't have to be Victoria's Secret. It was the same thing when we went to the bra section at JCPenney. Yeah. Oh, man. I remember like putting my face in one of the cups. Oh, yeah. Just like touching it.

Feeling them. Just like, whoa. The squish when they're a little padded. Yeah. And you're just knowing like at some point boobs are going to be in this. I was over there stealing Kendall Gil jerseys that whole time. Yo, Kendall Gil jerseys. You were like, I'm going to see some real boobs.

You guys are going to see Kendall Gil jerseys. Putting your face into the bras and I'm talking Kendall Gil. I feel like we were at really different points. We were at different levels. I started way too young out of the boredom, dude. No, I appreciate it. It's amazing to me that women hate bras. Because I think a lot of because they get home and take them off.

Because they feel so soft. They feel so soft. I love it. But it's probably still uncomfortable. God bless women. You know women with really large breasts? Those things are all... Those industrial sized bras. Right, it keeps them over there. They're not even supposed to be. I was seeing this girl who had big boobs and she used to have the front one oh yeah which to us is like

whoa phoebe kate's right that shit is yeah but like she would just like the look on her face when she would after like a long day just love it yeah that shit is like they don't like bras thank you for all the hell you go through women we all Hey, man, I appreciate you. We appreciate you. I always like, whenever a girl's like, oh, I'm sorry I didn't put my makeup on, I was like, you know, who else didn't put their makeup on? It was me. Like, you shouldn't have to. And we're going on like 32 years straight.

Yeah, if you never put makeup on, again, that's, I mean, you should never have to do that. I get it. But if you want to do it for you, you know, whatever makes you happy. Yeah. Speaking of doing things for you, Sean, what are you going to do for you and for the listeners with your fifth pick? The last one, and this might just be a regional regional thing Or it might just be a Sioux Empire mall thing But it's called I'm going to call it malloween

Where all the stores You would put your costume on Because sometimes it was super shitty in Sioux Falls Like snowing out so we couldn't go outside So all the stores would open up late at night And they would hand you candy and you'd just trick or treat Through the whole mall and it was fucking dope that sounds great it was yeah dope you got it all because that was like a safe alternative kind of thing like yeah i mean not nothing was going down in sioux falls anyways

but it was just like your kids like you don't have to eagle eye them they can just yeah yeah you know you can walk in the middle they'll walk over here and like they get candy everywhere no one's a dick yeah like no one's putting even though nobody ever really put a razor blade in anyone's candy i don't think that ever happened but you know they weren't doing it at the mall yeah and you probably didn't get like pencils or bullshit it was no we got like pencils and erasers at halloween i remember getting changed from people yeah dude remember that i get like it yeah what a dickhead nickel here it is a nickel get out of here fuck you carl yeah yeah also that snickers fun size probably three cents net weight like you're losing money on this transaction this is only

gonna get me a portion of the carton of eggs i'm gonna use yeah your fucking brand new mercedes you cheap dickhead yeah not to mention the toilet paper i'm gonna waste luckily i'm stealing that from Burger King. Yeah. I'm coming out even at best. Maloween. Yeah, we didn't. I don't think we had Maloween. I could be misremembering, but that sounds great.

I don't think a lot of people did. I don't think we did. That's a good idea, though. Yeah. I see that being removed. Sioux Falls leads the nation. So goes Sioux Falls. So goes the nation, in my opinion. Maloween, though.

I like Maloween. I will wrap it up. All right. Wrapping it strong. All right, wrapping this strong. My final pick. God, there's two that I want to go. It sucks that we're only doing five rounds because there's so much good shit about the mall. There is.

Since I already went hot mall girls, I'll tell you which two I'm going to leave behind. I'm not going to pick hot Israeli women giving you free lotion samples. Oh, yo, She was touching you. She was touching you, dude. And you didn't have the money for it, so you didn't care at all. And she knew what was going on. She was hot and exotic. Then giving you that Dead Sea fucking lotion.

And I'm not going to pay hot makeup slash perfume women at the department store. I dated one of them when I was older. I dated this girl, Jillian Gundlach. Dude, that was so cool. They were classy. Shit, that's cool. It was like, I'd go in,

that was one, you go in just looking like a scumbag. And I'm like, dating Jillian, dog. And they're like, what? She smells amazing.

I'll tell you what, I'm funny. I'm not going to pick either of those. And instead, I'm going to go maybe the opposite. I'm going to pick

the fossil store. Oh, the watch store? No, not the fossil watches. The store that's not in every mall. We had one. But it's in a lot of malls. You go in there and you buy like a shark tooth or like a fish. Oh, and they'd have like pebbles, just like smooth pebbles.

You could make like a necklace. Yeah, you get those crystals, like the rocks that you open up and there's crystals in there. Yes, thunder eggs, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. I forgot about that. I love the fossil store back in the day. You could get like dinosaurs that you could up and there's crystals in the eggs dude yeah oh man i forgot about that store back you could get like dinosaurs that you could build like a model yes you know you're like build this yeah yeah but also those ones that you just put in water the pill

and they would grow too i still love that shit ivan carmel my my father who i love uh very nice man very nice man you've met i've met ivan he's a uh he's a he's a one of one but he's a nice man. Very nice man, Ivan. You've met Ivan. You've met Ivan. Gentlemen. He's a one of one, but he's a nice man. And he still, for my birthday, he bought me a shark tooth. I loved it. My what? Probably the girl I ended up marrying. But I don't know. A whole other podcast.

But she was at the crib, and she saw this, and she goes, this is a real shark. She freaked out. And I texted Ian. I was like, is that real, right? And he's like, yep. I'm like, well, Laura's losing her fucking mind. I got two of them. Now Ian's got a girlfriend named Laura and I don't. She saw that shark tooth and it was over.

That's almost not even fair. Shark tooth and the Jordans, let's be honest. She didn't say anything about the Jordans, but I knew. I had way too many shoes. There's nothing wrong with that. No, there's no such thing. That's the only problem I ever want to have. It's weird to bring a girl over and just be like, I have to comment on the shoe.

And just be like, I know that seems like a lot. You said that, but I don't think so. Well, how many pairs do you think you got right now? Yo, that's too long of a pause. It's the last thing you're thinking. I got like four pairs. I keep like a four-shoe rotation. 35.

What do you think? 30? 30 pairs? I got like 11 pairs. That's not monster. I don't think you're a monster on that one. If I was making money, my room would be a fucking shoe. I have nothing else to spend money on.

Nice meals and shoes. You know what I mean? And let's treat yourself, dude. It's not... I don't think that it's a big deal at all. We don't need to. We can draft shoes later. So yeah, the

Fossil Store, dude. I fucking love the Fossil Store. That's a good, solid closing pick. Now that the draft is wrapped up, one thing you mentioned earlier that I wish would have gotten picked was the Knife Store. Yeah, I was going to add Scalabar. Weapon Store. Weapon Store was so fun gonna man they had knife swords and then for some reason beer steins yeah remember as if that shit all

goes in hand and hand well of course if you're gonna have knives you have to sell beer steins yeah yeah yeah they don't go hand in hand but the kind of person who would buy a knife at a mall is also the kind of person who would own a beer ste. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I tweeted that the other day. Learning how to use a butterfly knife was the least impressive thing I ever devoted a bunch of time to. It was like a summer of just trying to.

And now I can do it and nobody fucking cares. I care heavy. Do you? Yes, I care for the whole city of Los Angeles. And I don't even do it like the good one. I do it the one flip and spin. Can you really? You really can. I can do it the one flip and spin, though.

I can't do it like where you flip it and you like cross it a bunch of times can you do it like in a row though can you like one flip and spin it's been a while maybe i don't know i'd have to like i'd have to read because i still remember how to do it you know what i mean like you know you're sitting in a room right now with a nunchuck master that's why i was are you serious getting that because i'm i'm really good at nunchucks. Whoa. Nunchaku. All these comedy festivals, like Bridgetown brought it up one year. They're like, what can you do that isn't comedy? And I was like, nunchucks.

I can fucking really wield them. Was that from the Taekwondo days? Yeah. And my idea was like, Ian should freestyle or beatbox while I do nunchucks. And we'll just do that for like three minutes. And that's our set. Yeah, that's a good set. And they wouldn't pick it up.

But you throw a butterfly knife in there. Dude, the three of us up there just doing all beatboxing. And then, like, someone juggling. I also had a bullwhip for a while. Just got it at the fair. I had a neighbor with a bullwhip. You guys ever had the, it's been to the Puyallup Fair in Washington? Yeah, I haven't been to that one, but I've been to that same thing in Oregon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I had a bullwhip for a minute. That's buck, dude. It was a weird thing to just have. Whip is a weird thing to have. You're a whip guy? Dude, that's like being a toothpick guy. You're just like, you throw yourself in a niche.

Well, you know, I read an interview one time. You know who was a whip guy? Him and his brother, Barry White. What? Swear to God. Swear to God. Barry White said that he could knock a flea off a dog's ass with a bullwhip. That's 100% true, dog.

Just Barry White walking in with that deep voice with a whip in his hand? He said, I guess when he was a kid, they were rough and tumble kids, but he didn't want to have a gun, so he had a bullwhip. A whip was the next choice? Could you imagine getting fucked up by a fat dude with a jerry curl and a bullwhip? No. You can't even think. I can't. You can't even. I can't imagine that.

You got to go in the house. You got to tell somebody that just happened. What happened to you? How'd you get that laceration on your arm? Yo. I don't even know, dude. You know that guy? This fat dude hopped out of like a green Cadillac with a jerry curl and he just whipped me.

I think my girlfriend was in there. I don't even know. He had a snakeskin whip. Yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. The whip said fuck you at the end of it. You know when you crack a whip, that's a sonic boom. Is it really?

Oh yeah, it breaks the sound barrier. Fucking. I can't think of a better place to conclude the podcast than this story of Barry White's whip. Very quickly, let's go over the picks. David Boyd, you had the first pick, and your list is outlet malls. Yes. And then the urban clothing store at the mall.

Yes. And then airbrushed clothing. Yes. And then Wilson's Leather. I stand behind all those. Absolutely. When you say them together, it sounds mad ridiculous. It sounds awesome.

None of them won't, by the way. When you say them together, it sounds mad ridiculous. None of them won't, by the way. And then with the final pick, waiting for your mom at Victoria's Secret slash anywhere where lingerie is sold. Sean Jordan, you had the second pick. Sean Cougar, Mel and Jordan. And you went up top with mall music stores. Sam Goody, FYE.

What was yours called again? Disc Jockey. Disc Jockey. Disc Cougar, Mel and Jockey. Disc Cougar, Mel and Jockey. John, wait, do the Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jean-Claude Van Jordan. But do it to a disc jockey. Disc Claude Van Jockey.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yo, you're bulletproof. You went number two with shoplifting? Yeah, I did. Oh, that's so good. Number three, front and slash stunting at the mall? Number four, Street Fighter II.

Sure. True story. Specifically. And you wrapped it all up with Street Fighter II. Sure. True story. Specifically. And you wrapped it all up with Mauloween. Yeah. Hell yeah. I picked third and I went up top with Food Court. Followed that up with Hot Mall Girls.

That one was classic. Classy. Classic. Classy. Went number three, R.I.P. The Sharper Image. So bad. So bad.

Fourth pick, walking into expensive stores looking like shit but having a ton of money and then spending that money with a salesperson who actually had the nuts to talk to you. Yes. And wrapped it all up with a fossil store, dude. Man, what a weird journey it's been. Good one. I like it. Make sure you go to at Ian Carmel on Twitter and vote.

If you listen to it, vote on who you thought had the best draft today. Thank you so much for listening. This has been All Fantasy Everything. We'll be back next Thursday with a brother brand new episode. That's not true. Another brand new episode. Thank you for listening. Thank you. you you