All Fantasy Everything - The Old West (w/ Chris Charpentier, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

We're fixin' to draft the Old West, pard. Saddle up. Guest:    Chris Charpentier @Charpiecomedy IG: @chrischarpie Support the show! This episode is sponsored by Microdose Gummies. Go to Microdose.com and use codeALLFANTASY to get free shipping & 30% off your first order. Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.  Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all fantasy everything. The podcast where we fancy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, well, we're drafting the Old West. Joining us today is a comedian, a lonesome soul out there on the trail, and a friend of the podcast, Chris Charpentier. Chris, why, this is his 10th draft on All Fantasy Everything. Welcome to the 10-Timers Club, old-timer. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and as always, I'm joined on this ride by my friends and comedian, Sean Jordan and David Borey.

Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that has a quick question, a quick question about dental hygiene. Sean Jordan, take it away. I heard a rumor that Keith Richards didn't go to the dentist for like 40 years, and then he finally went, and the dentist said, Keith, you've drank so much alcohol that it actually helped your teeth

it killed all the germs and things and he was fine if there's any dentists that listen we would like to know if that could happen if it was going to happen it would happen to keith richards but is that possible is it possible we all go to the dentist now we're not doing this for like yeah i don't think i go to the dentist i have an appointment on tuesday my boy igor is gonna fucking i've been blowing off my dentist the last couple weeks i've been blowing my dentist the last couple weeks nice you can blow someone off right with him i hit that copay i hit that insurance limit pretty quick so yeah $25 why don't you drop your pants before before you show me what that mouth do why don't you let me show you what that mouth do, why don't you let me show you what that mouth do? All right? Dude, I got this dude, Igor, that's working on my shit now.

And he is an unforgiving lover, this man. Your dentist is named Igor? The hygienist, the one who does the shit. No, my dentist is named Nicole. And they're both dope. But Igor is just a little more like, dude, do the work, you know? And then he'll kind of make me pay for it. Where Nicole's like, I get it. Do you not do the work?

I do. I do. I try. I just think I'm not, you know... You need to love yourself more and get yourself out of the situation where your dental hygienist is named Igor. He gives me the business, dude. You go to Igor for torture dude That's a torture name

You gotta get into like a Jessica Or like a Andre or something Absolutely cause like you know His name is Igor and that's bad enough But where the real hell comes in is He knows his name is Igor And then it becomes like a self Fulfilling thing

Completely he's doing Igor shit in your mouth dude He gets in there like by the time I walkilling thing completely he's doing ego or shit in your mouth he gets in there like by the time i walk out i look like somebody who was gonna get in a fight where i was like i'm not gonna hit you back and someone just kept hitting me and i'm like yeah i'm not gonna hit you back i'm not gonna do it we're not we're friends i've known you 20 years that's where i just and all my teeth are outlined in blood all of them i think what's happening here is a situation where you have you have so much love to give for the world, for Laura, for Maxine, for us, your friends, for your mom, your family. You put to the people who listen to All Fantasy everything, you put so much love out into the world that when you go to the cupboard to open up a little bit of jar of love for yourself, there's nothing left in there. He's a lover.

I'm clean when I leave. Sounds like it's like s and m though yeah and you guys you just don't know him like i do you know you gotta you really gotta meet the real the real eeg that's exactly what somebody in abusive relationships i don't know him but i know that when you come home your mouth is full of blood full of blood i know that i've got to see my friend cry over this guy yeah but sometimes it sometimes i you know i should have maybe i should have been a little more on time now what i need what i need is for you to just what i i need this i need for you to not have a dental hygienist named igor he's dope man i don't know what to tell you there's no way

unless unless unless it ain't unless something's different on tuesday but he should have known he should have known when he should have taken a long hard look at himself in the mirror when he was thinking about going to dental hygienist school and he should have said my name is igor should i really be doing this they just keep changing it to mortician every time he's like why why does it say i am mortician i want to be a dental hygienist they're like igor what's his middle name hitler like, Igor. What's his middle name? Hitler? Why does it go by his middle name?

You've seen Little Shop of Horrors, yeah? It's kind of like that. Yeah. The Steve Martin character. Oh, popular Tisha Campbell video. That's right. Yeah. She was one of the.

She was one of the horrors. They had a name. Is that movie about what I think it's about? I thought it was The Little Shop of Wars. I think you're thinking of... No. That's different. The Little Shop of Wars.

That's a different one. I'm still in. There can still be an Audrey 2. There can still be a Dennis. It can all still work. Hold on. Let me just get a second opinion. Dana.

Oh, no. John's dental hygienist is named igor he needs to get out of that situation right what yeah see tell him well the wedding's off i'm so glad i thought you were gonna ask her about the little shop of whores thing i was like what are you doing you're blowing up this whole shit. I really thought that's what was going to happen. Welcome to the last episode of All Fans Say Everything. Oh, man.

The man with Igor's hands in his mouth is Sean Jordan. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. How are you doing, buddy? Now this comes out June 23rd. I will be in a plane on the way to England, or I'll be in England at this point.

I'm stoked, man. I'll be here. June 30th, Faded Portland sold out. We might have more tickets at the door. Already sold out. Is Igor coming, dude? What's up? No. Not unless someone's trying to act a fool out in front then i'll call you think i won't call him i got his pager number dude yeah he was out there he's got a sky pager i don't think uh yeah i don't know uh watch the

late late show with james corden let's all fancy everything yeah thank you go see david in houston a couple weeks ago yeah um yeah or South Dakota like last week, right? Yeah. Rapid City? Yeah, Rapid City. At least you're going to the butthole. With that butthole you came out of. I know.

It pooped me right out. The butthole that shats you out onto the hell's flat of a planet. South Dakota's little poop hole dripped me right out. We were having a good Okay. All right. We were having a good time. All right. Yeah, I bet you

were. Okay. All right. You've had enough. Yeah, I think you got to put her to bed. I don't think I have anything going on. Let's move along. Let's move along. David Borey is here. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Not on Twitter. You not on twitter you blew it all right blew it you fucking blew it get out of here you don't know what you had the man is

drinking a beet juice all right he's moving on to twitter juice i also got a cold water it's all happening oh uh so you want to see me you go to bozeman, Montana. You want to see me? You want to find out? You got to go to Bozeman, Montana on June 25th. No bozos. And I will be there doing my brand of stand-up comedy. And then also on July 7th and 8 8th i'm going to be at the dallas comedy club in dallas texas for four shows you can do that july 12th through 16 i'm going to be at rumors comedy club winnipeg manitoba i think it's pronounced i think it's pronounced, I think it's pronounced rumors. Yeah. Comedy club.

Rumors. Yeah. You didn't see me there. Claire O'Kane's going to be with me. Oh, also the, the South Dakota or the Montana show is called last best comedy. Their website is last best comedy. Come see me in Bozeman because I was booked for two shows and i think it might be selling so bad that they're only selling tickets for one what's that what's that like doing comedy in bozeman montana have

you done it i'll tell you next week but in the future no i've never been bozeman's a little respite right i have a feeling it's gonna be a lot like winnipeg i mean what winnipeg they're the same winnipeg is seven fucking shows. Home of the Jets, dude. I mean, it's one of those. I'm not saying there's going to be the same people. I'm not saying that the shows are going to be the same. I'm saying the same people are in both places.

Okay. That's my guess. I don't know. I've never been to either. Those seven show weeks, man. That's hard. I've never done that. Also, I'm saying my last July date, July 21st through 23rd, I'm at the DC Improv Lounge. Yeah. But yeah, no, those seven show weeks.

But it's going to be fun. Claire's going to be up there. I'm sure we'll go hiking. I want to eat some kind of a moose steak. Nice. Or some kind of steak that you're not supposed to have, like a porcupine steakaver steak horse horse no i don't want a horse steak i feel like i could get that just by asking the right people like in arvada now do you think do you think if you're a steely dan fan in winnipeg you pronounce it winnipeg

i'm gonna say it i'm gonna say at least at least three out of the seven of those shows but you know uh hopefully there's a lake up there dunk my chunk dunk dunk that chunk dude i'm gonna dunk the whole chunk right up to my eyeballs soaked take a bite out of me i'll bet that water is cold as fuck, dude. It'll be the summertime. I heard the bugs are bad. That's what I'm worried about. You'll handle them, dude.

Yeah, I think so. I think there's a mutual respect situation. With bugs, you'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. I stare around sometimes. I mean, I've never been there, but I'll bet you're bigger than most of them. So I'll bet you could take them. Lord willing. Because if not... I'll bet you could take them.

Lord willing. Because if not, I'll bet you could take them. It's a problem. Bigger than bugs, dude. Are you scared of bugs? What happens if a spider... I'm not scared of shit, but death and taxes. I'd rather pay taxes than have a cockroach on my body. That's one of us.

You're not scared of bugs? There's not that you're the silverfish bugs there's not the ear to silverfish no come on i don't even like what do you mean scared of bugs like i i don't know like you're gonna die i'm saying like you know some people can just see a bug and they're like oh whatever but then it could like be on them and they don't care oh yeah i'm not scared i lose my mind bugs aren't one of those things that gets me god god, God. They don't bother me unless they're on me. Right. Then I'm like, get off me.

What about Junebug? You know what a Junebug is? David Chum sure does. Yeah. Yeah. The dance. You guys ever see that? The viral dance?

Is that how you do the Junebug? You never saw that viral dance? No. I don't know. I can never connect the names. Hold on. I'm going to look it up i'm gonna send you guys a clip so you know silverfish i feel like if they weren't called silverfish i

would feel much less what about a house centipede they're the bigger version of a silverfish and they are the most disgusting bug you've ever seen call them house centipedes yeah they're the big they're the ones that are like and they have about a thousand legs oh my god and uh jesus they have big antenna. They're gnarly, dude. They're gnarly. They're the grossest. One crawled out of my hair one time when we were skating.

Yeah, no bugs on me. They can be wherever. I'm fine with them. We have a mutual respect for each other. Anyway, I digress. Now, Chris Charpentier is here as well. I am here. Sharpie Comedy on Twitter and Chris Sharpie on Instagram. That's right.

All right. Now that's a C-H. As if you needed me to tell you. You did. As if you needed me. What are you, other than flying to France at the same time I'm going to be there, what are you up to? That's goddamn it. You want to see me, you have to come to my house,

to my girlfriend's house, or France. Oh, you come to France? That's where you can see me. Yeah, that's all I got going on. You can't go to France and find him. Yeah, good luck. You could.

What about Ham? Good luck. Good luck finding a small little French man in Paris. He's right. He's right. Needle in a haystack. A little blonde French guy with a good mustache.

Exactly. You guys seen some short guy with great hair around here that'll laugh you off the block. Exactly. He's with a tiny little girl. Everyone's like, yep, that's great.

That's everybody. Yeah. Why don't you ask where I can get some cheese? I'm on my like day seven of Duolingo. Oh, learning French right now. I know a tiny bit. My girlfriend knows a lot more than I do.

She's going to be ordering for us everywhere we go. I'm in a similar situation. I'm in a similar situation. Yeah. You know what though? When you're at least in the hot spots, they know you're American, man. Oh yeah, for sure. You start to try.

Like, we were in one place in Nice, and we start to try a little bit in France, and they're like, oh, no. And they just pull out this big, giant board that's just the whole thing in English. And they're just like, point, point. Yes. My goal is to throw an amount of linen and seersucker at them that maybe I'm not. You could also. They might think you're Swedish or something.

I've thought this about you a lot. You could be a German tourist. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. That's a fanny pack-based comment, right? No, no. Just like, that's a curl.

Something about, I don't know. Just like if you were like, if I didn't know you at all, I'd never talk you and you were like i am on holiday i'd be like oh yeah yeah yeah that makes sense i'm not gonna sit here and tell you guys i haven't been mistaken for a belgian before i spoke oh yeah yeah yeah you look like a man with a deep appreciation for waffles that's right i've had people look at me and say now is that man coming this way belgian and you know i said i'm straight like no my my my grandmother was but it is but like uh beaverton belgian of the east that's right if i was if i was not an american boy what would be the first i don't think that i would have no you're in a you're a fucking there's nothing else really only it's really only south dakota to be honest

brother you're a toby keith there's. There's only one place you're coming from. You are a bread and butter pickle. You are a fucking American. Amerigo Vespucci, dude. You are a Hardee's counter. Yeah, dude. Not even Carl's Jr. I couldn't be like Baltic or something?

No. Baltic? Do you want to be Baltic? That's like the first property. What is Baltic? No. Baltic? Do you want to be Baltic? That's like the first property. What is Baltic? Southern Russia? I think it's like six bucks, right? You can buy it for six bucks, ten bucks.

You can get on Baltic easy, dude. Yeah, the Baltic steaks, that's like Estonia, Latvia. You don't have the game to play. You're not good enough at basketball. I'm sorry to say that to you here in Lith You're not good. You don't have the game to play. You don't have. You're not good enough at basketball. I'm sorry to say that to you here on Lithuania. You don't have to apologize. A lot of things. I'll stick up for myself for that.

I want to think you got Luka Doncic looks, dude. Maybe. No, no, I don't. The greatest compliment probably I've ever received. And they didn't know that it was a compliment was when I went to Paris with Sam Talent and Nathan Lund. Also, tragically American yeah yeah uh i had i had uh i had just quit smoking cigarettes so i was you went to paris you were in paris not blasting cigs just i had just quit so that's amazing so i was like i was running and i was

getting to everywhere quicker than everybody else because they were outside smoking their cigarettes you know so i would walk into a place they turn into their cigarettes like he that's right like he hadn't been blasted three weeks prior they were outside i know mud on their face so i would walk into a place and i would walk in and whoever was there was like bonjour i would say bonjour and then my three friends would walk in right place and I would walk in and whoever was there was like, bonjour. I would say bonjour. And then my three friends would walk in right behind me and they'd go, hello. Yes. I just wouldn't even bother saying bonjour.

They would say immediately hello to them. Everywhere. He doesn't even try. He doesn't even try. No, no, no. I'm not. I'm saying the people that were working there. When I walked in, they said bonjour to me.

And then when Sam and Bobby and Nathan would walk in, they would say hello immediately to them. They didn't even need, they wouldn't even try. Sam was like, feel great. That's because Sam was head to toe in Wisconsin Badgers apparel. Or hello means get the fuck out of my establishment in French. Sam was wearing wrestling shoes.

French. Sam was wearing wrestling shoes. He was wearing a silk scarf thing that he had. I don't know what. He was trying to do something. He was like really trying there. It was really funny. Bobby's wearing some kind of like a Top Gun flight suit. Bobby

always looked cool. He looks like a rock and roller. But he also looks American all day. I did just see him last time I was in Portland. I was like fuck bobby is cool yeah he's very cool he's gonna be a goddamn lawyer soon i know man rock and roll lawyer yeah bobby always did dress really cool his hair was braided yeah like a like a yeah he looked really he looked like willie nelson it was pretty awesome a bunch of girls wanted to bang him he was smoking cigarettes of course that's pretty cool classic yeah so yeah i have nothing going on i'm going to paris with my girlfriend i'm very excited it's the only thing i've been thinking about it's the only

thing i've been doing i've been saving money i didn't go to sean's wedding so that i could go yeah i didn't go to other people's weddings other bachelor parties oh yeah i've been working overtime you know what happened to me i'll tell this fun story real quick you got the other day here's what i'm gonna promote on the show go on uh if you out there on the and the internet have my cell phone number and we haven't talked in a long time go ahead and text me your name because i lost all my contacts you did that's right dude i threw my fucking phone in a dumpster on my way to work at like 5 a.m wait what i was on my way to work we were switching uh office locations right so this is a big day this is day one in the new location day one i am

i'm stopping on my way uh i was like oh oh, I'm going to get some coffee for me and everybody else. And I'm going to get donuts for everybody. What a day. First day, getting there way early. It's going to be nice. So I stop at a whatever donut place. Again, it's like five in the morning. And I've never been to this donut place because it's on my way to the new place that I've never been to. So I stop at this whatever, and I have trash in my car like always. So I go, I grab the trash, and I throw the empty trash cans into the dumpster. There's a dump truck waiting. Stop.

A dump truck waiting. I hold him off. I say, no, sir, hang on one second. Throw my cups in there, and then wave to him. Hello, sir, thank you very much. Go ahead and take my phone that I didn't realize it was through in there. Go inside, buy a bunch of donuts, come outside, sit in my car and immediately realize what happened. And then, and like, of course, all the shit of like, oh, no, my photos on my whatever.

And then I was like, holy shit. I don't know where I am and I don't know where I am, and I don't know where I'm going. Oh! Because it's the new warehouse, and I just have an address. So I'm at a place, I really don't know where I am, because I've never been to this place before.

Was it past that? Oh, it was way gone. The dump truck took it. He took it, it was gone. What was I going to do? Get in the back of the dump truck? Hey, can I find my phone you smashed already it was like immediate i was like oh my god so i just drove around for like an hour and a half until i found the cross streets are you serious oh my god yeah i found it eventually which was just super lucky were you checking like alphabetical order for the streets names or how'd you do no i just literally just picked a direction

and then like drove in circles kind of until i found it there's a way and screaming fuck the entire time there's a way it was insane i've never felt crazier that's that old school i would have eaten all those donuts shoveling donuts and slamming coffee i would eat every donut in that box you know it's funny i didn't even didn't even cross my mind it was the last thing on my mind i didn't eat i was so pissed if i had a pack of cigarettes i would have started smoking right there i'll tell you that unbelievable i love it insane at like five in the morning those also aren't streets you can ask advice to you know what i

mean like i wouldn't even have known to like how to begin it's not like hey can you point me towards melrose because those streets are all like right can you point me towards casimir pulaski boulevard and corporate sweet sea exactly yeah you know where farmdale is you see someone walking and you just pull over like with a coffee in one hand you're screaming fuck you're like hey do you know where Farmdale is? You see someone walking and you just pull over with a coffee in one hand. You're screaming, fuck. You're like, hey, do you know where I'm supposed to go to work today? Exactly. Where do I work?

So if you have my number and we haven't talked in a long time, please text me. And then I'll have your number. That'd be nice. I lost everybody's contact. I have like 12 people's phone now. Check your phone now. Yeah, I just shot you once. Nice.

Thanks, boys. Needed it. Did you send him a picture of a butthole? I mean, I want him to read it. Oh, I didn't even read it. I just saw the text. Don't say it out loud. Just take a look.

Thanks. Got it. You totally got it. The second one says, it's Sean yeah also there's I love that there's been a couple of group texts that I get and then I'm like hey sorry everybody who is this and then lots of jokes oh yeah you're never gonna get a straight answer I said I was Allen Iverson yeah oh I mean it's fun I tried to I got everybody likes doing it lots But it sucks on my end. I got a new phone one time, and I was texting people my new number, and I was like, let me just do this in a group chat to make it easy.

And then the whole thing had a mind of its own. Yeah. A lot of people going nuts in there. Three people in one just told me they were Jordan Dahl, and he wasn't even in that group texting them. Three people in a row were like, this is Jordanahl. And he wasn't even in that group. Three people in a row were like, this is Jordan. I was like, fuck off. No, no, I'm Jordan.

By the way, there's a skate video named Mind Goblin. I didn't even, it came out like a year ago. It's called Mind Goblin. Hell yeah, dude. It's just, it's pretty funny because of all the Mind Goblin. Would you mind gobbling these nuts jokes that we've been doing yeah yeah you say my name my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh just on jewish dude and i put that on jewish did i put that on crip you put it on

jewish i put that on jewish dude go to the I put that on Crip? You put it on Jewish. I put that on Jewish, dude. Go to the mall and someone gets your order wrong and be like, I better get my money back or I'm going to hop over the counter. I put that on Jewish. And that's on Jewish. It had to be a money thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Oh, I think I'm going to go. I'm going to go make an appointment to get the uh the wedding suit pretty quick here what do you think about that oh yeah you can't wear your wedding suit oh yeah no the wedding suit that's already bronzed man that's i can't even put it on anymore yeah that's at the that's at the smithsonian they put in that shit that they put han solo in what's his name carbonite it's in the front yard it's like a flags of our fathers kind of brawn thing but it's my it's my wedding suit holding up the flag and that's it there's no other our fathers in there laura's dad is still out there

saluting it he's been out there since the wedding yeah uh i have nothing to declare uh watch watch the little age show james corden uh listen all fantasy everything now we are gathered here today i adore this topic yeah this will be this will be fun really excited we are gathered here today not to talk about sean's flags flags of our father's bronzed wedding suit but to draft the old west yeah yes yes i'm super excited what uh what what inspired this anything i don't know nothing in particular i just love the old west that was absolutely i but i also figured right after i was like oh this is exciting and then i was like i'm definitely just picking old west movie tropes basically that's what i realized i'm actually doing and a lot of them i don't know if they're good things necessarily no and i found that

article where it's like a lot of these were not true at all and then oh really and i was like well fuck let me just get out in front of this hey if you're a historian shut up shove it cram it cram it up your lap hole bro shut the hell up fuck yeah and i'll put that on jewish yeah that's on Jewish. I'll put that on Jewish! That's the funniest thing to say! Sharpie's just behind you, like, just screaming, like, hit him, hit him.

I want something to happen. I want it to happen. Hit him over the counter. You're long. Oh, man. With that in mind, the way we determine the order of the draft is a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw and shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh, Sean wins. He wins. one shoot here we go rock paper scissors shoot oh he wins an unnatural scissors against two rock shauna as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order to today's draft but before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that a great question well it was maxine's first birthday the other day happy birthday with everybody um we and we turned the sprinkler on it's kind of like a sprinkler where it goes like right to left and then it hangs out did you turn it on because it was her birthday or does that like coincide we got her a one of those water stations it's called which you just play with water it it feels i feel crazy because ian was just mentioning there's a drought in the South.

Uh, there's not one up here. It was pouring, pouring, pouring rain. But yes, we got our water station where you can like, you fill it up and then there's like windmills and you can turn like

things that make the water go in like a war pool and there's little cups and stuff. I might get one of those. Yeah. That sounds great. We turned the sprinkler on just to like, try to enjoy the day. And, uh, anyway, it goes right to left, hangs the day and anyway it goes right to left hangs out for a while

left to right hangs out for a while right to left just kind of back and forth basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now Sean Sean now Sean with that in mind what will the order of today's draft be well

gotta go Sharpie first Sharp first oh good on the topic thank you um and then ian what yeah what are you doing i'm out here marissa stop the track What the fuck are you doing What the fuck's going on It's been so long I'm panicking I gotta take a Xanax I'll be right back Then I'm gonna go

And then David Alright Hot corner What are you doing I don't love it Do I have to say We're doing it What's going on

Yeah Welcome to another episode of all fantasy everything the only podcast that has ever existed shit i'm everything i'm marissa i don't know what the fuck's happening hey man you gotta stir it up sometimes oh my god uh today we're drafting airheads are you sure we can do we can do it the normal way no it's too late it's too late we're drafting airheads. Are you sure? We can do it the normal way. No, it's too late.

It's too late. We're fucked up because of your actions. You know how I feel bad. I thought it'd be fun. You should. You made your bed and now we all have to sleep in it. It's just like when I almost fainted on stage the other day. I feel the exact same way right now.

You feeling all right? I feel better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a doctor. I saw a neurologist. We're doing... Everybody's fucking floating down here. Good, good, good, good, yeah, yeah. I went to a doctor. I saw a neurologist. We're doing... Everybody's fucking floating down here. Good, good, good, good, good, good. Did you see a urologist?

I saw a urologist and I saw a urane... I don't know where I was going with that. I saw a urologist and I saw a urologist just to cover my bases. Fuck, I'm still discombobulated. Sharpie! We're going to get to your first pick in the Old old west draft but not until we take a short break this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by policy genius policy genius i'm gonna hit you we're gonna talk about some life insurance stuff real quick now 40 of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age of course you

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and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Yeah, we're back. Welcome to the office. I don't know. I'm so, I save. That's policygenius.com. Yeah, and we're back. Welcome to the office. I don't know. I'm so, I thought. That was good. Seemed like this was right for a coup.

Yeah. It's a palace coup. There's a palace coup going on. Oh, did you guys watch those hearings? There's not, there's no pictures of me. I think I made it out. Oh, no. Like, there's no footage.

I watched all the footage and so far. Oh, boy, This is the bit? Okay. I watched it with Laura, too, because I was like, well, if she's got to find out, I'd rather ever find out on YouTube and not from me. I just want everybody to know that he started doing this bit himself. Yeah. None of us opened this up.

Sean who? I'm not Sean. I'm a Baltic guy who took sean's place for the day but again a bit of a bit of a his real life your your backyard may be wet but your jumper is not so you can't go around claiming baltic like this dude oh my god that tweet the other day from that dude who's like i'm not practicing my jumps you retweeted it i was out practicing my jump shots and some guy goes hey hey, there's a tornado warning. And he goes, I know that's right. And it turns out there was a real tornado warning.

That shit had me dying. I just thought it was some old dude gassing him up. Hey man, there's a tornado warning. I know that's right. Hell yeah, brother. Think there's gonna be a chance to rain. That was so funny. Then he's in the be a chance of rain. That was so funny. Then he's in the basement a few minutes later.

Yeah, he ran. He said he ran a mile home because there was a real tornado coming. That's so awesome. Oh, that's so funny. I know that's right. That's good. Sharpie, you have the first pick in the Old West All Fantasy Everything Draft. What will that first pick be?

This is exciting. What an honor. I have so many. I don't think I've ever had a bigger list. Really? Yeah, mine's massive. But I don't... Who knows?

Okay, I'm going to go with this one. I want to go... I want to sit down at a bar and I want to order a whiskey and they bring me a bottle and a shot glass. And then I just do the pouring myself. That's my number one pick. Yes. Getting the bottle at the bar and pouring my own shot glass. It wasn't a big deal back then.

They were like, sure. I guess that's how it works. They assumed you were buying a bottle. Yeah. They men of honor and you could say i only had four and then we'll settle up yeah they were keeping track that's where the that's where the fingers like four fingers of tequila that's where that came from oh oh is that true no it's not true at all okay yeah let's keep it going again if you're a historian of any kind, if you have any kind of expertise, I want you to take this very special opportunity to just shove it up.

Yeah. Your butt. Yeah. Gay cocking off in your arm. That's right. Whoa. We really have. Damn.

It's all happening. It's coming up. I don't like it either. Does that mean eat poop? What does that mean? It mean take a shit off a dock of course that's a classic i'll put that on jewish ian if you start announcing beavis and butthead after this i'm gonna be so pissed so i just stay the same you're not third it's not like a placing yeah yeah you've drafted third no i mean like i'm just saying just like i don't nothing in my life changes no yeah no all right i mean i'm fine with everything we're the opposites all right we rotate around you that's right you're the sun

oh thank you Great now is there anything else you want to make about you Sean Or can we I did have to go I had a small complication with my vasectomy Now wait a minute I know David said I'd never bring it up again but here I go They put in a third gold testicle

That I had to have taken out because it was infected. Heavy, dude. It'd be heavy. A full gold ball? Yeah. Good place to keep it, though. I said gold tooth. He heard gold ball and also said he wasn't a dentist.

And I was like, I don't care. Why were the bottles of whiskey so dusty back then? I guess everything was so dusty. Because it was bad. I don't want to say another pick. Don't say another pick. But I'm just going to say, you know, their doors didn't go all the way to the top and bottom. It was dusty everywhere.

It was a dustier time. It was dusty everywhere, man. Do you think there's a chance in hell that whiskey was any good? No. Well, that's something I read researching all this. And this isn't a pick. No one's going to pick horrible whiskey. But yeah, I guess it was just like gasoline.

Oh, cool. It was clearly made by that establishment. Yeah. Right. Yeah. There weren't liquor distributors. No. They used their socks as filters.

Yeah. They had socks back then? I don't know. But I'll tell you this as a if you are a historian and you do want to back something up you could say that it was dusty it was dusty back then i'll tell you this i bet you it did the trick i bet you did the trick a little quicker than uh your your fred meyer get off the shelf whiskey does that not do the trick quick enough i could always have it done quicker how long do we need not do the trick quick enough? I could always have it done quicker.

How long do we need it to take the trick? That should last like 10 minutes. Sometimes I'd like the trick to be done immediately. Give me something that does the trick. A quicker trick. Before I'm done. Try gasoline. I don't have a drinking problem.

I don't have a drinking problem. I'm a man in search of a quicker trick. Quick-ass trick. of a quicker trick. All right. So let's just leave it at that. Quick-ass trick. Quick-ass trick. Whoop that trick. I don't got a drinking problem. What are you talking about?

I got no problem drinking at all. It's a popular country song. There it goes. Yeah. That was last week. There I am. Yeah, it was. You know what else they might do with that bar?

They might slide that whiskey down to you. That was also one of my picks. Yeah. Yeah. I have that written down as well which is really fun i really want that to happen at some point you ever you ever seen a bartender give that a shot like in no recent times i've seen it i've seen it go so wrong a few times at tommy jack doesn't the bar have to be wet to make that happen yeah our bar had like it was it the finish on it or whatever, there were some bumps that you just didn't know were there.

And I saw people just like slide beer straight in, basically just to a ramp. And it would just like. Beer is so top heavy. Yeah. You're just like, what are you doing? And they would be big mugs too. We had like.

Oh, that's a bad choice. Like the giant mug things. And they'd slide them down. And I'm like, you guys. You know what the move is, is you put that, you make the bar out of air hockey table that's yeah that's what i'm saying blast with air from the bottom yeah so it's like kind of floating then you like sliding drinks back and forth yeah now give me a shot blast anything with air from the bottom yeah what i say i'll take that when i die that's on you dude excellent first pick they leave the bottle and they go now i've seen in movies where they

like in modern times when they'll do that too but it's never a good bar no no i mean not make you know there's still horses. Yeah. There's horses now. There were horses then. That's fact. Something's never changed. Yeah.

It's time for my first pick. What? Are you sure? Yeah. That's what it says here on this dock I keep in front of me. All right. I'm sorry. That's what it says on the dock in front of me. I made a choice.

I guess it's time for me to pick. I was feeling frisky. What do you want? It's fun. Don't pick two accidentally. I might. I can't promise I won't. Wait, I got to pick two. I'm going to take... I'm going to take...

Let's just say there's... Let me paint the scene for you. There's one tough looking guy walking down the street it's either high noon or the sun's going down and there's another tough guy walking down the other way they lock eyes walk up to each other

a comfortable distance and they say something to one says something to the other to to one says something to the other and the other says something to the one and what the essence of their conversation boils down to is my pick which is towns that aren't big enough for the both of us oh yeah yeah there there were so many where they're like we can't now it'd be like sure we can both live in orlando yeah i can go can go a long time without seeing you, bumping into you.

You can definitely, yeah. If you're in Jacksonville, Florida, you know what I mean? By sheer area, the biggest city in the United States of America, you can definitely find some room. You know what I mean? Definitely big enough for the both of us. Honestly, I think it'll fit two more.

Yeah. Two more tough guys. Maybe three. Beaverton. That town's big enough for the both of us. You know it'll fit two more yeah two more tough guys maybe three yeah that town's big enough for the both of us you know what i mean even beaverton where i'm from sioux falls i imagine was probably once a town that's not big enough for the both of us but now it's a town depends on if you both had the wrong attitude then yeah it wasn't gonna be big enough for the both of you but what about like night in night in like 2004 was sioux falls ever a town that wasn't big enough for the both of us yeah I mean yeah when I was in a few times in high school you're like god yeah it definitely wasn't I mean you're in high school together I'm not talking about that I'm talking about a town a high school is definitely a town yeah well no but I'm saying like you like

you'd see somebody you didn't want to see a lot back in the day like when I was in high school i'm just saying like around that time you would run into people that you didn't want to see like somebody that you saw at the skate park or whatever that some dude chased us around one night adam and i because it was adam's fault but so he chased us around in the cars and i ended up getting a hole in my muffler because of it so i went to go get my car fixed like two days later and he was sitting in the auto body shop laughing and he's like i recognize you i was like yeah we're the kids that you chased the other night and i got a hole in my muffler and he's like yeah well don't talk shit and i go noted and uh but that that that town was too small for the both of us yeah

that town is not big enough for both of you it's too small now again it's a clear distinction it's not this town is too small for the both of us. It's this town isn't big enough for the both of us. This town isn't big enough for the both of us. I just want to be clear about that. Really a solid pick. Yeah, I love that. I love that.

There was that one dude who used to hang out at the high dive who I would see, who I got into that altercation with. And that town wasn't big enough for the both of us. That, well, whatever. Yeah, that guy was a mark. That long-haired newcomer. I'll talk about him in Old West terms. He was a Johnny-come-lately.

He was a long-haired newcomer. And I didn't like the looks of him or the sight of him. I wanted him out of that bar. Coming out of the high dive. Probably moving there from Cleveland or Phoenix. He was not cool. You ever look at someone and you're like, no, even your friends are wrong.

Your diehards are wrong about you. That guy sucked. Your friends are wrong. A casual communist in the worst way is what he looked like. You know what I mean? And nerds are not even a bad thing. You're just like, you are a nerd, though.

Like a bad nerd. Yeah. I'm not even talking about socialist political policies which i you know believe in i'm talking about this guy looked like a 90s communist he did he looked like a like a really weak version of that dude in die hard he sucked dude yeah i hope he's listening i hope you listen i hope you became a fan so funny if he so funny if he did, if he was just like a member of the Patreon and everything, knowing. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.

All right? This internet's not big enough for the both of us. Fuck you. All right? We had a lot of people. You had three people at a big table. Just in case people don't know, he had three people at a big table. And we had a lot of people

crowding around kind of a small table and I went over gentlemanly and asked if we could switch and he said no just a hard no for no reason no other people were coming for his party and from then on out and you're a self-proclaimed tea kettle I'm a tea kettle

and that turned the burner on high and now 12 years later fuck that guy fuck that guy fuck that guy years later still doing the same thing multiple career accolades multiple healthy relationship yes homeowner homeowner years since I've seen him and if anything I'm angrier now

yeah Ian Wayne fuck you dude I started thinking about this like five minute thing that happened what it boils down to is the town isn't big enough

for the both of us you fucking it isn't that's fair get out get out but does that mean he won because you left

I was I already didn't live in Portland at the time oh okay I was visiting i'm sorry i don't know who won really probably i mean all the townspeople definitely uh sean jordan time for your first pick uh i'd be able to ride a horse okay yeah like i'd be good at it just it just naturally i'd be good at it. Just naturally, I'd be good at it. You could do that now. You're taking riding horses?

You can now, but yeah, I'm taking riding horses. I know you can do it now. Have you ever ridden a horse? I have one time when I was like five, probably. What I'm going to put down is a pick that I had on my board, which is normal people owning horses. Well, right. Yeah, like just like an everyday thing.

I know you could go ride a horse now, but it would be like this is how I would get around. It wasn't like the most expensive pet to have yeah i'd be like hopping on the horse get out of here you know yeah i'm gonna go get some horse into town yeah yeah now if you have a horse you live in connecticut probably yeah you either like what are what are the what are the like i see people in portland who i'm i think are like in the city limits or like in beaverton or happy valley or whatever and they have horses i've seen it where they have stables and stuff

could you ian in your house in la that you own could you build a stable and have a horse feel like take care of it animal control would get involved i feel like it's a space thing right like you gotta have acreage let me look like there's probably like a minimum amount of acreage that you have to have i would assume the same thing i bet it's or it's like city rules yeah depends on this place but that's why there's like you know like in la there's a bunch of different places like an atwater village and other burbank there's like equestrian centers where all the rich people keep their horses i remember amy used to live you could see the equestrian center if you just walked out her door you could like look out and it was right next to the place in in san luis obispo county which is up the road a bit

but still yeah six thousand square feet for small animals rabbits chickens etc twelve thousand square feet for small hoofed animals now Now that's a pig, a goat, and one acre for horses or cattle. That makes sense. But you can just have a kid. You wouldn't want to have it on less than an acre, though. In a one-bedroom apartment, you can still just have a kid. You know? It's wild.

Seriously, it's crazy. 12,000 square feet for a horse. A kid doesn't need an acre to go. Your kid's not like... Your kid's not munching oats yeah you didn't see me when i was a kid dude you don't know you lived on the great plains dude you lived in the great plains yeah just be like horses all hitched up they still have in sioux falls i'm pretty sure they still have like some of the old like hitching posts that they save for saved. They picked one street to save from

back in the day, and I think it still has hitching posts on it. If you're going around Portland and you see those little on the curb. Oh yeah, those little horses on the ground. Those little brass, there's like little brass rings and that's where people used to tie up their horses.

Oh, I didn't know that. Some of them have little horses right next to them like little little ceramic little horse things next to them but yeah dude that i used to sit around and smoke weed with all of the time yeah like all that right now doing a bunch of house shows we smoked weed and uh played tiger woods golf for like three years oh that's fucking great what What a great game. Of course. Good years. Uh,

and then we just kind of, he went and did his, he like got married and lived his life. And then I started doing comedy and we just drifted away. And then like 10 years later, I talked to him. And, uh,

at that time I was like very broke living out here in LA, trying to figure out everything. And I was like, how are you? And he's like, we just got a horse. What? Wow. We are in different places. Whoa.

Yeah. Like to eat or? No, no, no. To own. He ended up doing quite well for himself. What a dude. Yeah, I heard he had a horse. Okay.

So one of these days when we were just sitting around smoking weed he was like i think i'm gonna go back to school i'm like really close to finishing uh college if i just if i just like take these last few classes i was like oh cool like what are you what are your what would you major in and he's like astrophysics i said excuse me and he said astrophysics and i was like what the fuck is that and then he was like a legit genius and i didn't know this uh so i went back to school finished that and then getting up a job at i think a place called digital globe and he sells pictures of the earth to google and the u.s government whoa that's one of those things that i hear that you say that but i don't know what

that means and you have proof that this is a job you still remember that's that's when he's got a horse doesn't he he's got a horse that's all the proof you need exactly he's got horse money that's when you remember there's different kinds of dudes who smoke weed all day yep right yep yep people just need to calm down the just need to calm down the thoughts it's the thing about smoking weed is like people pretend like there's some kind of like lazy dude through there's no through line no there's no through line to everybody through line for the people who smoke weed it's all everybody smokes weed and it also very much reminded me that it's like hey it's not the weed dude like if i stopped smoking weed i wouldn't

be a fucking i would be doing the same shit i'm doing maybe at a higher level maybe not right i know i'm not gonna i can't say any names here but i might know somebody who's been an attorney for years and years decades of a high-powered attorney who smokes weed every day i might too yeah do you live on a houseboat he might have for a while but no longer i've heard that some people do that yeah salsa dancer i've heard people do stuff man all right you guys have heard people do stuff so who knows anyways my first pick yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah regular people owning horses. Dave, it's time for your first pick and your second pick as it is a serpentine draft.

I'm sorry. I shook the salt shaker. There's no couth way to say this. Go on, be uncouth. I'm taking a whorehouse. Yeah, whorehouses. An old timey... You're right.

That was not couth. That was not couth. It always looked like such a great time. Everybody's playing the piano and doing it and getting drunk. What other stuff do you want to do at night after a hard day of cattle herding? Going upstairs. Going upstairs? Yeah.

I remember as a kid not really understanding that. Yeah. No, me neither. They'd go upstairs, but I didn't really get that part. I guess it's time to go. I guess he's sleepy. Yeah, I don't mean either they'd go upstairs but i didn't really get that part time to go i guess he's sleepy yeah i don't know okay they're gonna go pretty excited to be going to sleep time for nine eyes all right it just always just seemed like it just the one it always seemed like it's like a way station so do you want to be the person that owns the place or you just want to go into one no that's for the madam she smokes long cigarettes

okay does she tell does she tell like it is so are you the bartender at this place then what is what's your role here i want to play the piano and smoke cigarettes. And go upstairs every now and again. I want to, but not like, you know, I want to work there. I want to work out there. You get the employee discount? Yeah, yeah. And then sometimes I smoke a long cigarette. Sometimes I go upstairs. I do everything

they have. Yeah, yeah. I do all the stuff. He's like somebody who lives in Anaheim. You know what I mean? He's been on every ride at Disneyland. Yeah. Yeah. But do I go only when friends from out of town or, you know,

around. Yeah. But he's been on every ride, but I've been on every ride. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Even the ones where you're like, I could skip that one. He's done it. No, he's got an opinion. Yeah,

exactly. Yeah. It just always seemed like, uh, same way that I like to have fun in strip clubs now. Maybe not the same way. No, it's a different way. Yeah, it just always seemed like the same way that I like to have fun in strip clubs now. Maybe not the same way. No, it's a different way. I know they weren't, and this is just because of movies that were made in the 60s or whatever.

Oh, 100%. But they seemed more wholesome. You're like, look at that. We all know what we're doing here. Yeah. And, I mean, sex work is work. I have no problem with it. It is work, absolutely.

Of course. I'm not knocking that. What are you knocking probably what are you knocking boots the boots upstairs did we all get there did we all get there in like half a second what are you knocking the boots who was the first person to say that? Because we got to give that guy some dough. Yeah. Who was the song? Was it Shot? Who was the song? It was Shot? H-Town.

Your body rocking, knocking the boots. Yeah, but they didn't invent that term. They didn't? Can't. No, no way. Who invented boot knocking? Let me look it up. I bet you it's older than we think.

I feel like that's an old Western. Knocking boots? It might be. It's a boot you know boots it makes sense knocking the boots were they keeping their boots on it's an old western term that's what the urban dictionary says okay yeah whorehouse i got nothing else just to bring it back it's weird that i keep saying it like that i could say like sex den or something well no whorehouse they're pretty cool a whorehouse uh a house full of you know

ladies of the night and your second pick oh dana my next pick is uh rounding up a posse oh that's so good because that shit is that shit is great in my life you ever had to like get a bunch of people together in a day it's the best yeah yeah like a common thing regardless of what it is i love rounding up a posse yeah it's just like everybody get everyone like you find out you call everybody going on call everybody or something scary's going on yeah i've done it for both both situations good or bad hey i need you guys all to come over this guy said he's gonna stab me or like hey a couple kids got a hotel like they got a room at the holiday inn yeah you're just like they're having a party let's go yeah i love i

love rounding up a posse or even like or even for wholesome stuff like hey crazy idea i know it's 10 a.m you want to go to the lake today uh-huh man and then you just end up getting like 12 people like yeah i love rounding up a posse whether it be for street justice or smoked meats yeah i think it was larry david that had that super dope bit about how rounding up well i don't want to say any other pics but larry david had a bit about rounding up a posse back in the day that was that would have been really fun would have been rough to be like somebody who just had no real business in a posse getting pulled into a posse back in the day because was that would have been really fun would have been rough to be like somebody who just had no real business in a posse getting pulled into a posse back in the day because i'm sure it happened we're like i'm a dentist yeah wait me me i'm the one who's been pulled

into a posse a few times where i'm like i don't want to do what you guys want to do oh no i don't care if jeff's in jail yeah i don't have any more money tiana i don't give a shit you know what i'm trying to say this but maybe it'd be good for jeff to be in jail for 48 hours yeah i've been that guy where i'm like cool down let him get or like someone's gonna get in a fight i'm like they should all they do is talk shit let them get beat up a little bit it's like it's happened to me let it happen to them yeah not naming names but you know exactly who you are if you're listening just because sean is a stout young man age of 23 doesn't mean he needs to be out there fighting all right oh that was the most posse rounding ass i've had times when people were like hey blah blah blah is happening and i'm like

dog i am i i'm in bed yeah yeah i remember at bridgetown i'm like i'm in my bed i don't want to be in your posse yeah we were sitting in the in the bamboo lounge at a bridgetown after party and fairbanks came in to round up a posse because somebody drove their car into the train tracks and we all needed to try to pick it up off the tracks and so we got like the posse that would not be the first thing i would think to do if that happens fools dude get a bunch of dudes to pick the car up i'd be like call it dotra well if we did we'd have to call the cops and somebody would get a dui yeah there was no one who could say they had driven it so we picked the backup got it off the tracks but then we picked the front up

we tried but we forgot about the engine so we're like front wouldn't move yeah cops come pulling up yeah obviously because there's like 30 of us on the train tracks at this point and then one of us it might have been me but i was like hey if anybody has drugs just get out of here so because some of us didn't have drugs so like you could tell who did because they ran and i was just standing there fully ready to talk to the cops because i was just an onlooker at this point and uh it was a good time. Yeah, fun memory. Looking back on it. But he rounded up a posse. Yeah, he got a posse.

That was probably the last posse I was a part of, to be honest. He did round up a posse, legit. I love it. Good pick, dude. Thank you. Rounded up a posse. Sean Jordan, your turn for a second pick? I'm picking Superdank Nicknames.

Oh, yeah. I like your Wild Bills, your Doc Holidays, your Jesse James. This is weird, but Chris will know. Chris, do you remember Dead Hand? Dead Hand? That guy who was a cowboy in Denver. He'd be at Mouth House and shit all the time. He always had a duster.

Do you remember that guy? That sounds like who I'm talking about. No, but he sounds really cool. i don't remember much from that time okay we've been at parties together with that guy and everybody it's like he's a fucking ghost i try to bring him up sometimes you don't remember that guy he always had a duster like a cowboy hat on this does to be fair to other people this does sound like a ghost you don't remember that guy in the duster in the cowboy hat named Dead Hand? Dude, the ghost in Poltergeist wore a duster. His name was Kane.

He had a duster on the whole time. I swear to God, he was a guy in Denver. Maybe I don't swear to God. I feel like the name Dead Hand is sounding familiar, but I don't remember anybody in a duster or a cowboy hat, unfortunately. It's just so dank to think about like Texas Jack Vermillion stuff like that where you're like oh it sounds so tight

yeah Ronnie Bobby Ricky and Mike this sounds fun no I feel it yeah I love a good nickname yeah and we all know you love a good nickname oh my god my unread text messages are at 187 whoa nice keep them there read everyone i'm not i'm not never ever anyways yeah wow yeah oh that's an incredible amount i'm at three and

i know who they're from and i don't want to oh this is also it's 187 on my computer on my phone it's uh 379 oh ian ian say oh damn i'm at 2600 on there and i thought i was killing he just keeps showing pictures of his balls yeah i'm good on the text messages but the two different email accounts they're 11 000 and sharpie's going to pay on hotmail for those 30 30 phone calls i saw yeah i just showed 44 915 unread gmails definitely i'm good on the text me though so don't email me don't even bother i'd have to change my password every time i go in because i never remember i mean honestly if you look at this you probably can't get a hold of me this is really yeah no way anyway dank nicknames keep trying yeah dank nicknames buffalo bill cody dude billy the wild bill one of them got merked in south dakota i think it was wild bill

why they call it it well i don't want to say it but anyway uh yeah dank nicknames jesse james dude by the coward robber ford i'm pretty sure you can go see buffalo bill still up in yeah done done seen it it's dank there's a place in sioux just outside of sioux falls it calls devil's gulch that jesse james allegedly jumped on a horse and if they built a bridge across it now but if you go there they have a little plaque where you can read the story or whatever but it's like it's so tight because there's no way to know because you look at it and you're like absolutely he didn't do this but then you're like i mean who am i to say that's also what the name of my whorehouse is yeah absolutely he didn't do this or did he or did i mean i've seen steph curry shoot threes and if you told me how good he i'd

be like no he's not but there's documented proof so who am i to say these horses couldn't jump this with jesse james on their back you know i mean you could probably look up how far a horse could jump well now but they're different dude now all the all the supplements and gmos monsanto yeah yeah uh time for my second pick what oh yeah yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. And then your third or wins? No, no, no, no, no. The Sharpies. Yeah, I did it. I did it.

I'm just out here in the fucking ocean. There's my foot, dude. My picks are doing one. They gave me shit about showing my feet last time. Oh, God. Did you show his feet again? I was looking at my list. Yeah, just right now.

That's what I'm saying. That's I said it. You guys seem to be fine with it. I guess. No, did you show his feet again? I was looking at my list. just right now. That's what I'm saying. That's, I said it. You guys seem to be fine with it. I guess. I was looking at my list. I was looking at my list. God damn it.

He goes, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, he's right. He is right. He is right. He's a reasonable man, dude.

I got gross feet. Nobody needs to see. Yeah, we're not putting our feet on camera. Hey, hell's wrong with that. No, I got gross feet. Nobody needs to see my feet. Yeah, we're not putting our feet on camera. Hey. What the hell's wrong with him? Go ahead. No.

I'm going to make my second pick is what I'm going to do. Will you? Okay. Reckoning. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Now, are you just talking about, like, I reckon or?

No, I'm talking about, yeah, Jesse James could, you know, I reckon he could jump that gold on a horse. Yeah. I reckon he did, man... I reckon he could jump that gold on a horse. I reckon he did, man. I reckon he did. One of these days we will do a show in Sioux Falls. I reckon we will. I hope. I reckon we will. And I reckon we'll take your ass to Devil's Gulch. Among a lot of other places.

I reckon we'll have a couple drinks. You want to go to a whorehouse? You're a married man. Yeah, dude. Come on. No, we don't have any of those in Sioux Falls anymore. But I'll take you to the place I got beat into the gang. It's going to be a fun little tour. I'll get us a little band. There's probably some whore apartments in Sioux Falls. There are.

There are. Yes, my friend. There are. Some drug dealers' apartments. Absolutely, yeah. I reckon there are. I reckon there are. People don't reckon anymore.

I don't even think people in the American West still reckon. Do you think you could slip it into a conversation? I'm going to ask you. Do you think you could slip it into a conversation at work where nobody would turn their head head well brent you know what's weird is like british people say reckon still they do yeah so i probably could if you're just like yeah i really i reckon this would work and just if you did it just seamless and you think nobody would i think everybody would notice yeah i would i would get caught i think i could do it

at work because they might not know that we don't say reckon but like cordon says reckon my buddy james longman says reckon louis doesn't because he's upper crust but like he's posh he's posh but like uh but the but the like the lower classes of england still say reckon which is louis in the upper class of england he's like upper crust louis wife is like noble of noble blood i think louis is too i think they're both of noble blood like louis wife has like a like it's 600 down but is in line for the throne like that's wild yeah that is insane it's far it'll never happen like so many people would have to die but like hey have you ever seen johnny english that could happen yeah dude you ever seen johnny english johnny

wick kills people no and isn't that the one where all those people all right maybe i'm thinking i'm i'm conflating movies next you're thinking of king ralph yeah i reckon i reckon it could anyway i just people don't reckon enough anymore and i I don't reckon I could do it at Best Buy, but I reckon I could do it at work. Yeah. At first, I thought you said, like, a reckoning. There's going to be a reckoning. And I was like, damn, what a pick. I mean, I think you get them both, honestly.

But then it's like, well, I reckon there's going to be a reckoning. I reckon there's going to be a reckoning. I mean, there's reckonings still. So I don't, I don't necessarily, I mean, I know there's horses still, but I,

I, I don't necessarily think reckoning is an old West thing, but reckoning really is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good.

I reckon. How long do you, how long do you think it would take for me to, if I just started saying it for you guys to all become cool with it? I mean, you slid it in pretty good right now. Yeah, right away. Not that long, man. Yeah.

I think you could probably pull it off. Honestly, if you said it like three times in one conversation, I'd be like, he's trying too hard. Yeah. Just because it's a new weird word. If we hang out all day and you say it twice, though, then I think it's in your lexicon. Okay. There you go. go all right let's get like in a six hour hang sesh if you say it twice i'd be like oh i guess he just says that well let's get a posse together because i reckon i'm gonna try uh sharpie time for your second and third picks as it is a draft i can't believe this one's still

on the board uh i'm just excited to be the new sheriff in town. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Put that fucking badge on my chest. Yeah, there's a new sheriff in town. There's a new boy in town. Well, I suppose all things considered, you might as well swear me in. Exactly. Now, do you become the new sheriff in town because you kill the old sheriff?

I think any number of things could happen. I think it's a town-to-town basis. Yeah, that's the town-to-town. In mine, it's because I've killed the old sheriff. Now I'm the new sheriff. Did you kill them in cold blood, or was it in defense? It was a righteous kill. Yeah.

For sure. I'm so glad I don't live a life where I have to worry about that. Like, fuck, did you guys hear there's a new sheriff yeah i'm just no the car game's at jake's house there's a new sheriff in town yeah some hot up-and-coming open mic comedian calls you out you know what i mean does it y'all hear there's a new david borey in town did i had some people pitching a stink when i moved to portland thinking i was like some Is this guy Craig? Is this guy Craig? I had some people pitch in a stink when I moved to Portland thinking I was like some open mic contest hustler. What?

Is that a term? There were some people that didn't want me in that comedy contest. You remember that movie Duets? It's like that where they go around hustling karaoke contests. There were some people that thought I moved to Portland to hustle the comedy contest for some reason lani brunes like you you uprooted your whole life to win a 500 comedy contest uh-huh yeah there were some people that entertained that idea granted we were younger i don't think they were dead serious but they did lani brought it up to me

it's like hey we got some people that are like like, they think you're like sandbagging. And I was like, what? I'm trying to make friends. How did those people feel when I won the whole thing? Also, you moved your finger? Yeah. I don't think they, boy, I bet you they could care less now because none of them are, I haven't seen them in years.

It's just funny to think about. Where do they think when a boy from Beaverton, Oregon, local kid makes good, huh? What do they think about that? I bet, I reckon that they think it's dang i reckon they did i reckon they did yeah it was weird because i i'm i told you that during the contest i was like man these i feel like these people are like mad at me when a lot of them were they were mad at me too because we're fucking big hogs dude big hogs to the trough. People,

people have comedy in the beginning. Don't like it when you're good. They do not. They had about it. Comedy contests were like a real, brought out the character of your friends. Dude, it's so fun to go watch it.

We went the other night, we watched a little bit of the helium contest. It was so fun to watch and not have to care about because it's like fun it was fun seeing how pure it was for some people but also like the nerves and just i'm like i got no time for this shane used to get so worked up backstage dude he used to get so nervous have us pinch him and shit yeah i was always so thankful san francisco didn't have a funniest comedy. Like I saw Denver and Portland and I always be like, every year this seems like it fucking sucks.

Yeah. I mean, it was awesome for me. I've, I've, I've done two comedy contests. I won both of them. I got it out of the game.

Things are good. Things are great. Very good. Very good. Thank you. My experience with comedy contests is you do stand up for about a month and then somebody gives you you know a thousand dollars which is awesome that is usually how it goes it's great now marissa keep that one snippet of ian saying that in and that's it what no i'm just kidding it would sound funny if we brought up contests and we were all bummed and then you

were like this is the anyway no i'm i'm saying right now you leave this whole thing in context or no i love comedy contests because every time i enter one i beat sean in the boat beat his fucking ass i have been i've lost i only won the sioux falls comedy competition and then i won the willamette week comedy contest yes sir i've never won one never won same best i got was second place to bobby crane rock and roll lawyer oh the first loser love getting second place to one of your best friends that's the coolest feeling yeah it's really good i got second place to one of my best friends well i i've been defeated by one of my best friends so many times. So many times. It's fine.

It's great. Talking about the bottle? Yeah. Did you just go to give everybody a high five, Borey? He got me. It's fun. I reckon he did. I reckon he did.

I reckon actually did. New sheriff in town, dude. It's David. Yeah, new sheriff in town. David fucking got you. I love it. It's a new sheriff in town. Either things are going to change, either for the better or the worse. We're going to find out.

Is that Sheriff Gene Hackman or is it somebody nice? We're going to find out. Sharpie, your third pick. Yeah, I'm going to do it. Blazing a trail. Yeah, you got to blaze that trail. Oh, yeah. Blazing a trail.

Nobody's ever gone where I'm going. I'm blazing a trail yeah you gotta blaze that trail yeah it's a trail yeah nobody's ever gone where i'm going i'm blazing a trail for 2069 you know i love it you know i love oh nice yes yes my chest right now yeah i want to blaze the trail i want to be the first one to go uh this far west nobody's ever been where i've been a cousin cousin of bushwhacking, but not necessarily the same thing. I like to jerk off in tents. What? Jerk. Bushwhacking. When you say I like to jerk off in tents, is that in tents or in tents?

Do it, Joyce. In tents. It's your whorehouse. I'm just drinking in it. Now, let's make that a phrase. Hey, can I get a beer? What kind? I don't know.

It's your whorehouse. I'm just drinking in it. Lays on the trail. Now, is this like you're heading up into the sierra nevadas so that kind of thing yeah i think so i want to i want to be the first person to ever be at a place whether i know that to be true or not i'm saying it so at least the first white man exactly yeah uh the first pale face that's exactly what i'm going for yeah but i want to take the credit for it god damn it i'm gonna put my flag there.

And then I'm going to let everybody. I've been the first black man in a couple of places. Overrated. I heard about it one night when we were having dinner in a very don't say that at dinner place. That was so funny. When we were in Palm Springs, just loose. Yeah. we were in Palm Springs, just loose. Yeah, I want to see a river from a, like, I want to be around trees, looking at a river,

figuring out a way to get across this river because nobody's ever gotten across this river. Once I get across that river, life changes. Like on a deep hike where you're just like, man, someone did this first. It's so buck to think about. Yeah, me, dude. Yeah, it was you.

You're blazing a trail as it what about being now we know you're a literal trailblazer what about being like a metaphorical trailblazer you're like you're like the first guy to open up a cupcake shop in dodge city something like that yeah i mean sure why not why not indeed i want to i don't know that cupcakes would have been my first pick but sure sure. I'm just not a baker. What do you think? Like a fancy donut? Oh, okay.

All right. All right. Yeah. I probably would have done something like a grown up. Like you'd be the first grown up guy. Yeah. I would have a natural wine bar. Yeah. And some cheese.

And small plates. Yeah, small plates. Little tapas kind of thing. Little tapas situation. Say no more. Be the first foodie. Blaze's small plates. Yeah, small plates, little tapas kind of thing. Little tapas situation. Say no more. Be the first foodie. Blaze in a trail. He'd be the first foodie? You would have got shot so quick.

You guys hear about that? I'd get a posse. I reckon I'd get a posse together and go kill the first foodie I ever heard about. Unless they heard him out. Unless they heard him out. It's true. Like, listen, boys, you know how you've been having your beans cold? Yeah. Check this out.

Eat them up, dude, with a little pork belly is what I'm calling it. I know it's bacon, but here we go. Same difference. Yeah. Hey, you guys here, there's a foodie across town. Now, I don't want to say this out loud but i'm going to i realized yesterday that i have no i mean i'm gonna guess and i'm probably right but i really don't know where or what animal pepperoni comes from oh it's pork i figured yeah it's i think it's pork

there's beef pepperoni too though there is beef pepperoni i'm pretty sure is it what kind like what is pepper what is pepperoni is it like i think it's the way you make the sausage okay that's what i i was it like the what kind of makes it spicy is that what pepperoni is or is it into this i think it's spicy italian sal Okay, so it's made with cured pork and beef seasoned with paprika or other chili pepper. Interesting. It's based on pepperon, which is the Italian word for bell pepper. Pepperoni is an Italian-American

creation. It is a cured dry sausage with similarities to the spicy salamis of southern Italy. The spicy salamis of southern Italy. Where's that fucking Bravo show? I gotta watch The Real Housewives of the Potomac and there's no the spicy salamis of Southern Italy? What the fuck is going on?

Just me and the salamis tonight, man. I gotta program your network for you at least have it like the down under like the hot dancing Australian guys thunder thunder from down under yeah the spicy salamis of southern Italy

there you go they could have their own magic mic dancing troupe uh i can't believe it's only been around since the 1900s sorry to get back to the pepperoni 1920 dude that's insane i know i feel like pep i mean you're still creating meats well it's pretty similar according to this article to soprasetta and and uh salsiccia which are older. Wait, was this a pick? No, you just asked this. I was like, how did we get here?

I blacked out. We're going to get to cured meats. What's the newest meat? What's the newest meat? Beyond. Well, now I can't think straight for the rest of the day. I wonder how old bologna is. Old. Old, probably, now I can't think straight for the rest of the day. I wonder how old bologna is.

Old. Old, probably, right? I think bologna goes way back. Bologna sausage. Yeah, old. It has to be. I think it has to be old in order to be eaten. Bologna was around before the animal it came from.

It's called rag bologna. It's a long stick or chub of high-fat bologna native to be eaten. Bologna was around before the animal it came from. It's called rag bologna. It's a long stick or chub of high-fat bologna native to West Tennessee. I got a chub of high-fat bologna for you. Man, I sure don't feel 40 years old sometimes. And sometimes I do. Chub stick. Big chub stick of bologna.

Did you just say chub stick? A chub stick sounds like one of those things you get for your dog to chew on sounds like something tony soprano said yeah i don't care he's a chub stick up alone i feel like we're all in iss and the teacher just went to the bathroom and we're getting out all of our all of our energy chub stick a bal bologna. Time for my third pick. With my third pick, I'm going to take Crazy Old Prospectors. Oh, yeah, dude.

Good pick. Fun voice, too. Yeah. Now, I got a claim on that property. Pan for gold. I got a fat chub, a high protein bologna. Coming around here, talking big and acting fancy like you're one of them spicy salamis in southern italy they're up in the hills they live up in the

hills alone you know they're only they're only companies a mule well then they come down to like sell their goods and then they just go back to the hills right yeah back to the hill whatever they do day to day something something weird's going on down there up there they whittle hard oh they whittle hard they drink hard they party hard dude they probably have sex with stuff that probably some pretty non-traditional stuff hey man nobody was around to tell you not to hey i'm not i'm not king i'm an old prospector traditional sex with non-traditional items it's mission they have missionary with like it's like tex-mex but they're you know fucking uh fucking water pipe yeah yeah back when men were men you know yeah like crazy old prospect they come back down and they're just jay their mule is jangling from all the from all the different

panning equipment and canteens and just various just various goods attached to their mule is jangling from all the from all the different panning equipment and canteens and just various just various goods attached to their mule the mule's got a fun old name like dolores yeah penelope yeah old girl yeah old girl on old girl it's not that far and penelope is just like it is that far it is that far sometimes they strike it rich sometimes they never do you know hey sometime you gotta pan it was that was that really what they did they just panned in the river for like there might be just gold in the in the rocks in the river yeah you pan yeah you pan for gold and that's one way to do it but also if you pan for gold in a river i think you can then because gold is so heavy that it doesn't travel far in a river

you can then determine that close by to where that gold you found in the river there must be it like in the in the granite in the ground nearby then you go dig and you try to find bigger is gold so pardon my ignorance gold's just like a natural mineral i'm sure it's not around too much anymore so like you could just go now there's still a lot of gold yeah it's the you can go paying for gold right now sincerely yeah so you just take like a back in the day they would just take like a pickaxe and just start were there any signs as to like where the gold might be straight up out of the gold rush what are you talking about right now i mean kind of but i don't know how they specifically nailed the actual spot that

it was at i know like the gold rush yeah panning helped because if there was gold in a river there was you know then you knew it was just going to be like what within feet of there there must be some nearby just sounds crazy you should watch that show gold rush it's hard won wisdom by they still do it now there's like gold mines yeah all right all right literal gold mines they go get it i'll watch it i'll watch it today they get after it fine it's after it. I watch it in jail. Gold Rush? Nice, dude. You watch it in jail?

Yeah. A bunch. Tight. Sometimes crazy old prospectors find themselves in jail for claim jumping. The remote's a big deal in jail. That's what I hear. I'm not

asking you i'm just saying i hear that oh yeah yeah uh sean jordan time for your third pick i'm picking twisting my mustache before i make a big decision like that where it's like you know do you want to go and you're like that's right before you reckon yeah you're just weighing the reckonings now are we stepping on picks because that's a reckoning move I think that might fall under reckoning

no because you reckon right after thinking it's not reckoning that's when you reckon right after it might be in the same I'm just flying it at the flagpole and seeing if anybody salutes that's alright now maybe they're two different things i reckon they i don't know i don't know i reckon they're i reckon they're different enough i gotta grab my charger for my computer get it get it get it yeah i mean i think it's different because this is one is

physical and the other is audible i i think he gets away with it. I have a pick that you might think steps on one of your picks later, Sean, so go ahead. Take Twist in a Mustache. It could just be the general mustache game. No, no, no, no, no, no. Twist in a Mustache while you make a decision. Yeah, I just, you know, like when someone's like, is a storm coming? That kind of stuff. I don't really think it's close to my pick at all

by the way. Alright, what kind of... I'm letting people behind the veil here on the podcast. Tell them. Why did the doorbell just ring? You better go get it, dude. What if you go to the door and it's me? Reckoning. Do you have a posse?

Yeah, I got a posse. Have you rounded up a posse? It's me and Adam Posse. Been hanging out with Posse a grip. Yeah, I don't know. I just like the idea. Think about the Old West. I know I'm not, I don't know. I just like the idea. Just said, see, think about the Old West. I know I'm not splicing bread here, but it just seems so romantic.

Picking and choosing all these things. Did you just say I'm not splicing bread here? I was going to say splitting the atom, and I changed it after the P to slicing bread because I say splitting the atom too much. As if to say I'm not the first person to say this. On here, you say it too much? No to say i'm not the first person to say this on here you say it

too much no i just in general i feel like i say that five six times a year ever since the urologist went down there that's too much he's been he's been thinking about what he says too much he did he got he split the atom he split the atom good he ectomied the atom uh yeah just like the the romantic the romantic part of just like standing there and twisting your stash like yeah let's go for it i don't know just hey if you didn't shave your mustache buddy you could have been doing that in this day and age i'll tell you that you know i get weird boogers when i get too long of a mustache and i don't know what happens but i feel like one of my stashes too long i get weird dry boogers david weird boogers weird old western boogers

i think you should have kept that mustache you look good dude i thank you i was i was feeling it i don't like it with a i shaved completely my beard after seattle but i kept the stash and then i do not like it i only like it with some some ketchup beard well that's neither hair nor there uh twisting your mustache before you make a big decision great pick david bory i guess it's time for your third pick crazy shit oh i love a good cattle drive oh yeah especially like through town yeah I love a cattle drive I love a cattle drive I've seen a cattle drive you ever seen one no I never seen one I've seen it go across the road a few times

yeah in South Dakota I've seen buffalo too where people like rounding up buffalo is it as great as it seems did you see a father and son come back together the buffalo one we only saw like one time, but it was like five or six going across the road. But the cattle one, it was like, I don't know, 50 or something. A few times.

But yeah, there's like the dog and then like just people on horses. It's interesting to see. I'm trying to see like 100, 150 cows. Yeah. And I want to hear, head them up, move them out, right up in front of us. Or I'll hide. Yeah. And I want to hear, head him up, move him out, right up in front of us. All right. I was in Wisconsin with my dad. One of my first comedy tours I ever did.

And my dad came with me because there was way too much driving. What a gentleman. And we were driving through Wisconsin just on the back roads. And a cattle drive came, was like on the road coming towards us, and we had to stop, and they went around us, like all around us. It was fucking awesome. Whoa.

Yeah. It's funny, because they still got to get moved. Like, you know, when you move them from A to B still, it's like they still, they got to walk, you know? You're not going to like cart them all,

so you just, it's the same shit. Were they moving while they walked around your car? Big time. They were loud as hell, and there was a bunch of them, and there was like five dudes on horses, they looked fucking badass they're all very cool and they all like tip their hat to us yes it was so fucking cool they're all wearing vests it was awesome yeah i would definitely dress the part i wouldn't there'd Every part of me, I'm like, I'm doing everything that ranchers do.

It's all utilitarian, by the way. Absolutely. It is. Yeah, yeah. Like the reason they wear a vest, they're like,

well, I don't want horns going through my chest or whatever you wear a vest for. They need their arms free for activities. Yeah. You know where,

you know where generals keep their armies? It's funny, you should bring up arms. Absolutely not. Nobody, nobody, nobody, nope. They keep them in their sleevies. Don you should bring up arms. Absolutely not. Nobody, nobody, nobody.

Nope. They keep them in their sleevies. Don't you, nobody asked. Sharpie's eyes did. You think that's what they were saying? That's interesting. Sharpie's eyes were saying that or poor eyes. He doesn't speak French.

Excuse me, can I see the owner of this establishment i'd like to go upstairs man a cattle drive that'd be so fun to see yeah incredible what a pick yeah fun to do you know shout out the city slickers yeah it seems like the best curly's gold yeah dude we're all gonna find it one day yeah one of these days uh well you know what before it's time for your fourth pick before you before you take it we're gonna take another short break this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by schedule 35 now microdosing is an absolute game changer i have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's

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it happens in real life you ever been like just camping with people and then it's kind of like fire time like now we get yeah oh absolutely you find the bottom of the bottle real quick and all of a sudden you're spilling emotions yeah yeah yeah otherwise yeah just yeah just something it's so i think it's just so intimate and if it's just a few people you get to talking and then it just becomes this very like it's ancient yeah the power of a campfire yeah yeah it's like primal yeah but yeah getting down to it talking about god yeah yeah whatever yeah yeah that's a solid pick that'll happen that'll happen these days totally sober it's the hypnotic power of the fire yeah i have a fire pit and now it's that season so i've been

thinking about it fires dude it's so nice it's just so nice hours peel away it's beautiful oh yeah log on a fire oh yeah i got dude i got like three bundles of firewood in my garage right now apparently i'm fucking no fuck it i'm making a fire on sunday when i get home whether or not somebody comes over it's so nice because nobody ever wants that to be uh the like nobody ever wants to go do something else after the, you know, a lot of times we're like, come on,

come hang out at my house. We'll do whatever. And then people get antsy and they're like, well, let's go, let's go out or whatever. If you're having a fire, nobody's ever like this sucks or I want to change a scenery or whatever.

It's like, this is great. This is great. All night. This is all I'm doing on Sunday. I'm making a fire and I'm making a blooming onion spam. Well, you can do that.

What? Oh, I found a recipe online. You take the thing and then you cut it up into fingers and then you season it and then put a little bit of fire on it and then put it in the smoker. It opens up like a blooming onion. Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had spam.

You're a fool. I don't think I've ever tasted it. Oh, man. It is fucking fuego. Yeah, dude. I'm sure I'd like it. i don't think i've ever had spam you're a fool i don't think i've ever tasted it oh man fucking fuego yeah i'm sure i'd like it it's all salty and oh yeah i love chopping it up like dicing it up and putting it in eggs slicing it up real thin putting it in uh it's spam sandwich i love it but anyways yeah get heart to heart after the campfire and now make your fourth pick. I just thought of this like seconds ago.

Tell me if this works. A bank robber walking out of the bank with bags of money. Oh, yeah. Like bags, like holding like bags with like dollar signs on them almost. Not to quibble. I associate that more with maybe the 19 teens and 20s. That's what I was thinking. Like a Bonnie and Clyde type of phones and stuff like that. Maybe more of a Bonnie and Clyde situation.

Like David said. Yeah. So let me go with what I was going. I was going to pick train robbers. Yeah. Yes. But seconds before that, I pictured somebody like coming out of the bank, like with the bags of money.

But like I'm picking up a better pick than walking out of the bank like with the bags of money but like i'm picked up but by the way a better pick than than walking out of the bank with dollar signs i think it was just like a train robber with like the band like doing what the shane torres what they call now where you just put the bandana kind of around your neck just in case you might need it for anything ever i wondered when you were gonna bring this up i'm sure he's listening just like let me live i wondered when you were gonna bring this that's exactly what he's listening just like let me live I wondered when you were going to bring the that's exactly what he's saying why can't I do anything you know what go see Shane at Helium in

July in Portland I will be there as well I love him to pieces that being said he's now wearing a bandana we all know how fucking cute a bandana is on a dog you can't knock him for trying it that's true I've tried to appropriate a lot

of different dog looks exactly sniffing ass in public eating off the floor making people pick up my shit yeah a train robber just feels like such an intense thing just a fun and i don't i don't think they're around anymore i'm sure people you know i've seen money i think people still rob trains but i don't think in that way i don't know maybe maybe i'm just crazy but i feel like almost anything could be happening in brazil and we wouldn't know brazil and russia anything could be happening close to bolivia so you and david might have a pretty good idea of what's going on as you next pick why would we pick why next pick as you do sharpie's the next pick first of all who's who's david and who's you like what do we got what do you mean we don't even i had robbing

a train exclamation point on my list that's how badly i wanted that one damn robbing a train is a good one i want to do that now i was going to take going going to bolivia because that's something that i've only ever heard of or seen in the Old West. Sure. The Old West must have been last weekend for you. I don't know what anybody's talking about here. What are you talking about? You're doing nefarious activities with your cohorts. You were in Seattle together.

There's pictures of me in Seattle. I heard last weekend you were in Seattle blowing it at the Midnight Show. That's what I heard. That's what I heard. Stop. That's what Nick Mampay told me. he has no reason to lie ah no he wasn't lying i blew it there's i will own up to that mistake that was my fault i'm sorry again when you insinuated that dave and i were in bolivia a place i've never been

you and david do go to bolivia quite frequently robbing a train i'm in houston that is my pick enough set all right at water village nowhere near bolivia You and David do go to Bolivia quite frequently. I'm in Houston. That is my pick. At Water Village. Nowhere near Bolivia. Pretty close to Glendale. Is that what you're thinking? Pretty close. The Bolivia of almost the valley. Now that's true.

Yeah, robbing a train, dude. Coming down on horses. Those horses that go as fast as the train. Walking down an aisle saying, we are not here for your life. We are here for your pocket watches, your billfolds, your heirlooms. You know?

Somebody tries to do something. What you think of Kimo Sabe? Yeah, I like saying kimo i want your money not your life yeah you picked the wrong day to be brave kimo sabe stuff like that which really scares me because i've had days where i've picked to be brave oh yeah you ever have a day where you're like i'm not taking any fucking shit today when i went i told i was talking shit to one guy sometime and i he said something and i was like i'm not taking any fucking shit today. When I went to take flags. I was talking shit to one guy sometime, and he said something, and I was like, I'm not scared of you. He goes, you don't need to be scared to get your ass kicked.

Oh, boy. That's terrifying. That's a really scary thing to say to somebody. I just wear my Top Gun helmet, and it makes me feel brave every day. I just wear it all the time. I'm so glad that you put on the uh the glasses with it man david i texted you i don't even think i sent you the picture but david's like you ever put that on with the glasses in the stash and i was like oh and i did it immediately yeah and then i made it

so laura she was gone and then so i just put the sunglasses around my neck i kept the helmet on and i was like i'm going to look like this when she gets home and then she pulled up max had just woke up she was in her room screaming but i was like i'm still gonna stand at the door because it's only gonna be seconds until laura walks in and then she walks in and i was leaning up against the wall with the glasses the stash and the helmet and i was like no pants no it was uh as she walked in and something was like, hey, I killed your husband. That was your romantic top line? I killed your husband. I killed your husband. You need to wear that thing with,

you need to only wear the helmet one day when Laura comes home and just be out there naked with the helmet on. As soon as the sweaters are back up to par, I think I'll be in there. But yeah, I gotta have underwear for a while. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever used the goggles that are built into the helmet what are you talking all right have i ever put ketchup on a burger yeah man of course have you seen the sketch that the helmet was in yet i tweeted about it no i just watched the other the one where like the big one the 15 minute long one or whatever the one that your helmet's in is out now. Go to our YouTube page. Let's get done. Come on. Let's finish this up. Seriously, I want to go watch it immediately.

Time for my fourth pick. I just took old crazy prospectors. I am now going to take Your time, apparently. Here we go. I didn't like that. Sorry, I ripped your face off. Taking a bath so seldom that it seems like a real luxury when you finally get one. Is that a pick that you thought was going to be close to one of mine? I don't know.

Or is that not the one? No, no. I have another one. Yeah. One of those. I was going to pick. I have bathing in a trough yeah i want to do it someday yeah i was going to pick forced into forced into baths because people couldn't take

i was like baths are like really the only option i love it this bath might happen at one of david's whore houses this bath might happen in a trough hey you guys want to go you guys want to go downtown i heard david opened up a new house of that's that's not a david brand whorehouse david's house of whores i might be one of david's whore it might happen in a crick dude david horry okay i'm done i'm down but you're coming in you're coming in off the trail the old dusty trail you've been out there there's been no reason for you to take a bath if anything right you need that layer of dust on you but now you're back it's time to get civilized maybe you're going to a dinner you know maybe you're going to the whorehouse yeah when it's time for a bath yeah

time to get respectable like it's time to get respectable like wouldn't that be you know what i mean have you ever like really like really needed a bath or a shower and then you finally get one and you're like oh oh it's like the first day you get yeah that's exactly what i was gonna say the first shower coming home from camping that shit is oh my god incredible you're like the camping where you go and you're like sometimes they have showers but sometimes you just i'm like ah whatever i don't need like when we did um the hood trail for like four days we didn't we didn't get to take a shower and it was like where it's like oh this is so gnarly i don't love a camping shower no nobody loves a shower at camping no those are terrible those are god awful i've had some good it depends i've had some good

ones too i give you there for a few days you're like gonna heat the water like it can be all right yeah i never take long enough i'm always feel too bad i'm like no in and out yeah i just i'm prepared to be cold if i'm camping the only way i'm showering is if there is a body of water around yeah yeah you don't like you don't like you don't like getting your whole getting the accoutrement already like all right i'm gonna go take a anybody coming to the showers i'm going to the showers your little dot back yeah there might be bears can i have a partner so if i get attacked by a bear somebody could tell somebody yeah there might be bears can i have a partner so if i get attacked by a bear somebody could tell somebody because there might be bears on the way to the shower all right i put i put a good shower right up there with literally anything yeah first time

putting on a brand new pair of socks oh yeah a really really really good night of sleep a good shower there's like nothing better it's the the best feeling. I got a pair of socks in my drawer that I'm just waiting on. I don't know when. Touching a new butt. Whoa. Yeah. That's a move. You say touching a new butt while you're combing your beard out? Alright, everybody's calling everybody on

stuff now. Sharpie, time for your fourth and then your final picks. I'm going to go with this one. This one I feel like could happen. No. Okay, I'm going to do this one because that one could happen at any time. That could still happen now. This one.

Taking a shot of whiskey right before they pull a bullet out of me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's the only place that's gonna happen for sure they hate it when you get drunk in the hospital now yeah back then the doctor didn't give it to you be like drink as much of this back then the doctor made it yeah yeah his picture's on the bottle yeah

with a curly mustache and his hair parted in the middle that old western man can you imagine that just some doctor being like here you go pour some of this on it and then drink the rest god that middle part is a strange look for you white fellas insane i've never really i never had i was never emo enough to have a middle part you never had a middle part no no not not by maybe after a hat or something but no i never did of course tried it i also tried slicking back my hair you gotta try i like that that's that's like a pat riley that's cool yeah but it's not cool on everybody tell you that much i never did the middle cut i did the far left part for a while. Sharpie, your hair has been great as long as I've known you, though.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I've never known you in an awkward or strange hair phase. Is he going to come back with his hair done? Yes, he is. Doctor looking like this. You even got the one sticking out of the back of the alfalfa. You look insane.

I don't like it at all. What a bad look. I don't like it at all. I do not enjoy this. This is the middle part. Let's get that bullet out of you. That is bonkers. If anybody was going to get the bullet out, it's you.

Join our Patreon to see how crazy I look. I hate hate it i'm so glad you don't look like this i love it do you really go to no i don't go to work like that and say reckon and just see if they're like television how much for you to say reckon on tv how much for you to say reckon and just see if james calls you on it oh for free i'll do it on monday do it sneak reckon in there i'll wear my hair like this i'll say but it can't be like wrecking crew or wrecking ball or something no no i'll say i know how come on i came in like a wreck you cannot wear your fucking hair like that on the show You can't do that. Why not? They wouldn't let you. I don't think you'd let Ian.

What are they going to do? Before they tape, they'd be like, Ian, you're sick, I think. You should go to the hospital. You got to save that for a day when you don't have any guests or something. They're like, oh God,

what do we do? You say, I got it. We can put my hair down the middle and then talk about it for 25 minutes. 40 minutes. I got the show on my head. Put it on my shoulders shoulders put it on my middle

part oh boy yeah dude got fun hair i like the devil lock better now i look baltic all right wow where are we where are we at what are we doing oh taking a shot of whiskey right before they blow a bowl of that yeah and they make you bite down on a belt or like some else leather. Yeah, absolutely. Very fun. And your and your final pick. It's the only way I want to get shot is if that happens. OK, last pick.

And this one's a bit of a stretch. So I get it. If you won't let me take it. But I'm going to go with the faint sounds of and of like spaghetti Western soundtrack happening in the background. Oh, yeah. A Morricone soundtrack just happening. I don't know if that's too much of a...

Because obviously it wouldn't be happening in real life. We don't know that. But we don't know that. I feel like it was just happening all the time, though. Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Yeah. Dun-dun-dun-dun. It's possible. Can I not

whistle anymore? I swear to God I can't whistle anymore. There it is. You know how to whistle, don't you? You put your lips together and blow. This is not, once again, not one of david brandon orhouse all right the faint sounds of spaghetti western soundtrack um time for my final pick man there really are yeah there's tons i'm torn between three been there

now this is the one that I think that involves one of your picks but it's it I think it goes I think it's a I think it's a different text entirely Sean this is so again two tough guys David's paying him a kiss at a bus stop no it's two tough guys

it's one of my favorite things you've ever said. And they're popping off at each other. And then one of them walks away and maybe it's the bartender. Maybe it's the guy combing his horse. It's a kid, you know, something. And he says, well, you know who you were just talking to, right? And the other tough guy's like, no.

And then the kid or the bartender, the piano player, whoever says, well, that's Yakima Steve McGurk. Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. And he's like, what? And then he's scared because he's like, I can't believe I just said that I thought his wife was hot. He'd heard his name before, but he didn't.

He had no idea that that was the guy. You know, he assumed he'd be 10 feet tall, 700 pounds. You know what I mean? Like, he didn't know he didn't know it was just a man who walked among us yeah yeah look up that's it's the fun thing about that shit is like the whole like you they only heard stories about what these fools look like so then yes you meet wyatt erp and they you know they're like whatever and he says wyatt erp and they're like what you're just a dude why don't you know who that was that was the english gentleman you

know darren gentry you mean the darren gentry darren gentry the english gentleman dude he wears he wears a bowler hat he doesn't wear a cowboy hat he's different i love that yeah i heard that some fool wore a bowler's hat but i did i didn't know he was gonna be here in yakima yeah yakima steve m Steve McGurk, dude. How'd he get here? Horse. What do you think? He walked, man.

But that's my pick. Don't you know who that is? That's Yakima Steve McGurk. Yeah. Good. Great pick. John? I'm picking a much more refined vocabulary.

Oh! Oh! I love... And if you watch the Coen Brothers... You're using all these Sunday words. If you watch the coen brothers sunday words if you watch the coen brothers true grit it's so awesome because i think that i think it was i think people were just more refined because they hadn't had time to they didn't lose that yet you know we're not more refined they were less refined but i think they were putting on airs yeah as it were like that you know i don't varnish my opinion

things of that nature where you're just like oh man even the villains sounded sounded dope i just i just love a more refined vocabulary you're talking about now the uh the kind of the doc holiday yeah absolutely holiday or like ti yeah i was reading so much about the old west last night and doc holiday specifically but yeah just just yes like doc holiday and tombstone just the way he talks you're like I'm afraid we must redefine the nature of our association yeah they were the classics back then you know yeah yeah they were reading john grisham they were reading yeah they were they were taking a bath they were reading grisham because there's no better way to read a grisham than to light a candle and take a

bath in a trough we all know that what's this like you're talking about your mornings before seventh grade yeah yeah you take in your you take in your grisham with a nice with a nice bowl of pelican brief a nice morning bath mom i'm reading grisham nice bowl of fruit loops and where's my grisham then you put on your blue chucks and your gucci underwear and you go to middle school taking a bath before you have stuff to do is crazy. Yeah. Oh, dude, I did. I did it.

I mean, if you want to call high school stuff to do, then, yeah, I did it every fucking day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to go somewhere. It was early and then you had to be somewhere. Having a bath with a heart out. That's crazy. He's telling his rubber duck, you're like, all right, but I got to get to work soon.

All right. I really like three. I got dropped out at three. Yeah. So I got to get out of here in three minutes. he's telling his rubber duck you're like all right but i gotta get to work soon all right i really like three i got dropped out at three yeah so i gotta get out of here in three minutes a much more fine vocabulary excellent david time for your final pick i can't believe it's still here taking the law into your own hands oh yeah oh shit yes yeah didn't somebody say intense bushwhacking already once again not one of david brain whorehouses but you can't do that that is a fun way to talk about masturbating yeah taking the law into my own hands how much to go upstairs and take the law into my own hands is it cheaper than if i took a partner to take the law into their hands i That's great. I mean, it's got a run-through. No, you can round up a posse, but we charge by the hour.

I love it. Taking the lawn to your own hands, often accompanied by rounding up a posse. Yeah. Absolutely. Excellent pick. Marissa, do you have a pick? Yeah, for me, I'd say just chomping on a cigar. They make it look so cool. Oh, God. I'll tell you, it's not. But cigar. They make it look so cool. I'll tell you it's not, but yeah, they make it look that might be the biggest ruse Hollywood

has ever played. Cigars are disgusting. I've seen them portray several forthright Irishmen, and I've never encountered one of those in the real world. You putting that on Jewish? Oh my gosh, that's on Jewish, dude. To recap, to recap sharpie you went first you took uh you you ordered whiskey at a bar and they leave the bottle in a shot glass there's a new sheriff in town blazing a trail taking a shot of whiskey right before they pull the bullet out of you and the faint sounds of spaghetti western music in the

background i went second i took towns that aren't big enough for the both of us reckoning old crazy prospectors taking a bath so seldom that it seems like a real luxury and don't you know who that is why that's yakima steve mcgurk sean you went third you took normal people owning, great nicknames, twisting your mustache before you make a big decision, train robbery, and a much more refined vocabulary. David, you went last. You took whorehouses, rounding up a posse, cattle drives, heart-to-hearts around the campfire,

and taking the law into your own hands. All things you can pay for at David Borey Brand Whorehouses. Now, we left a lot of great stuff on the board. A lady pulling two kids into a door. You know what I mean? Because there's something going down. Yeah, I mean the flapping doors, all of it.

Breaking a horse. Oh, breaking a horse. A jug with three X's on it. That's fun. Bartering. want to sew like my pelts yeah yeah there was much stricter gun laws back then i was reading about that like you when you went into any big town you had to like leave your gun at the sheriff's office and they would give you a token that's interesting to think that they're better now or they're better back then stores that sell various sundries and provisions. Oh yeah. I want a spittoon.

A spittoon's great, yeah. Oh, fun nicknames for diarrhea. Like the trots. I got the green apple splatters. Like that kind of stuff. Yeah. The legend, like we touched on, but like lore and legend and stuff like that kind of stuff yeah yeah the legend like we touched on but like lore and legend stuff like that shooting guns in the air for fun yeah yeah that's a fun one oh hooting and hollering

yeah a lot of that's fun a lot of hooting a lot of hollering scaring stuff up too anyway uh scaring stuff up I'll see if I can scare up some of that for you uh we want to hear yours hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail dot com uh shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything patreon thank you for holding us down shout out to everyone

on the AFE shaslackity the AFE subreddit shout out to super producer Marissa. Yeehaw. Yeehaw on all of the ones and twos, as always. Nailed it. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean.

Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaslackity. Yeah! Yeah! That was tight. brand new episode of all fantasy everything. So glad to hear. Yeah. that was a hate gun podcast