All Fantasy Everything - The Perfect Sandwich Experience (w/ Nick Swardson, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

A PLACE. A SANDWICH. A COMPANION. A SONG. A WILDCARD. The GVG is joined by comedian Nick Swardson to draft The Perfect Sandwich Experience. Check out Nick Swardson's set on Netflix's Comedians of the World.Episode Guest:Nick Swardson @NickSwardson IG: @realnickswardsonSupport Sean Jordan's new album, The Buck Starts Here!iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-buck-starts-here/1458542287Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/4acSsOk2eF7YMGYqct6Jp7Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that put on a crispy white tea, some new white dunks, the Tiffany's. I like it. Stepped out into the sun, directly after hurting his back pretty bad, deadlifting wrong at the gym. You gotta use an X bar. Dog, I should. I was using the straight bar and it fucking, it fucked my lower back up. Just a little bit.

Just enough, just enough to put a little season in on the rest of the day. Not too much for you to look fresher than wet paint today. I'll tell you that, my friend. My God. Summer time. Nick, you can talk whenever. It's not one of those ones where you have to wait for us. Oh my God, I wasn't sure.

Are those the worst ways? Like they talk for 45 minutes and then you're like. You got to say something. They're like, one of these, you know. It's like waiting to hop into a double dutch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wait, wait your time. I got my pigtails in.

Right, exactly. I'm ready to go. Miss Mary Mac. All this stuff in black. Miss Mary Mac, a Minneapolis gal. Oh yeah. Speaking of Minneapolis. Sean S. Jordan.

Yes, sir. On Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. A lot of those out there. Oh, yeah. Speaking of Minneapolis. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. A lot of those out there. We've seen a lot of those lately. We've seen a lot of those lately. A lot of those out there. How the hell are you, my friend? I'm doing fantastic, Boobie. Thank you.

Beautiful. Did you see what just came up? Boobie, you called Boobie. Oh, wow. I've never done that in my life. I'm the first Jew he ever met. Yeah? South Dakota. A little hot he ever met. South Dakota.

South Dakota is barren of that. The Sioux Falls Synagogue is a Taco John's that's been closed for three years. They should have like a Sturgestine or some kind of Jewish motorcycle get-together. Harvey Sturgestine. Sturgewitz. Oh, the chrome on this thing. You're going too fast! 35. It says 35.

Science have written for a reason. Speed limit in South Dakota is 85. That's insane. Why is it running away? Montana used to not have one. Yeah, Montana didn't have one. And I don't think they had a helmet law either.

Oh, my God. They don't give a shit. They were like, go for it, man. Big Scott, big nuts. In Montana, we got pulled over, and the cop was like, we think you're going too fast. I'm like, make a speed limit, dog. It's crazy.

Did they not give you a ticket? No, they didn't. But they're just like, we think you should slow down. We're like, we're 17. Just like me, Jerry, thinks that you are going. We're skateboarders in a Dodge Colt when we're 17. Like, we're going to go 110. Just on a human level, yeah.

That's insane that they can just pull people over and be like, go slower or faster. We don't know how fast you were going. Just get out of here. It's none of my business. I was halfway into this jalapeno cream cheese roller from 7-Eleven so I wasn't really paying full attention. So then we beat the shit out of the cop. The cop pulls people over just to meet people.

It's like there's fucking nobody else in this state. I haven't seen anyone in Bozeman for a while. Where the hell are they? I just want a friend. You guys go through Glendive? How'd you get here? Sean, this will come out in two weeks. Sure. What are you up to right now?

What do you got anything to direct people towards? Chillin'. Got an album coming out at the end of April or the first week in May. I'm not 100% sure yet, but very soon. As soon as I nail the date down, we'll put a little addendum in here. Did I do that right? Addendum? Yeah.

Hell yeah. Sorry. No, go for it. Jump right in. I just said you had no idea. You have no idea when the album comes out. I have a loose idea. Okay.

Who produced it? The cop in Montana? Yeah. It's like, I have no idea. It's either coming out in a week or it's not. It was Officer Cy Harleystein. Nick Swartzen in the studio. Hi, everybody.

Hi. At Nick Swartzen on Twitter. Correct. At Nick Swartzen on Instagram. Real Nick Swartzen in the studio Hi everybody Hi At Nick Swartzen on Twitter Correct At Nick Swartzen on Instagram Real Nick Swartzen on Instagram Real Nick Swartzen on Instagram So I had to do like a reel A real

You and the president Yeah man You got the reel in front of us Just neck and neck Just letting people know Of all the crazy things about existing right now It's very funny that the president has real Donald Trump in his Twitter handle Seriously

Like he couldn't have just copped just Donald Trump once he got elected. How are you? You were just in Hawaii. Now you're in L.A. for a bit. I was. I was filming a movie in Hawaii. Myself, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. And yeah, it was fun. It's kind of sucked though because I love Hawaii. I spend time there. And the director was like, you know, I got to Hawaii, ran to the ocean went swimming, was going to go surfing and I got out and then I was all burned and shook because I have Minnesota skin and so I got out and the director was like

oh hey can you do me a favor and I was like yeah what's up and he goes just while you're here in Hawaii for the next month can you just not go in the water or go in the sun not go in the water or go in the sun I was like yeah and he's like yeah that would just help us a lot Not go in the water or go in the sun. I was like, yeah.

And he's like, yeah, that would just help us a lot with, you know, whatever the fuck continuity with the scene. So I couldn't go in the water. I couldn't really go outside. And then I don't drink when I film, so I couldn't drink. So it was just I was just walking around like a fucking apparition around the resort with like sunglasses, hat down, hood on. Yeah. Too much sunscreen. Not drinking. Yeah, it down, hood on, too much sunscreen, not drinking. Yeah, exactly. Like when they brought E.T. out in public?

Yeah, like a Mary J. Blige video. E.T.'s witness protection program. Is that Mariah Carey over there? Oh, that's a fucking public? Yeah, that's gnarly, dude. No fun in Hawaii, but at least you got the vibe you can pick up still. Yeah, but it was even creepier because I would just go out at night. So I'd be the only person swimming at one in the morning.

Oh, that's right. Can you surf? I'm a creepy person. Can you get up and surf? I can surf a little bit, yeah. I'm definitely not great, but I stood up on my first wave, which I'm always proud of. That's crazy. Seriously, it's the hardest thing I've ever tried in my life, and I've been skating for

like 25 years. Did you skate or snowboard before? I did. I grew up skating. I don't skate anymore. But I was... Did you ever go to Buck Hill? Yeah, of course. Buck Hill's in Minnesota. Yeah, it's... Buck Hill's alright. I just love

references of the Midwest. I just love talking about the Midwest. We'll be driving by a Kmart and he'll be like, cost and kick flipped over a fucking grocery cart here once. And we're like, oh, tight. You can't tell? You can't. I feel the energy coming off this place.

Yeah, there's so many tricks now with skating. Oh, my God. Christ Air 900s. I mean, just to name a few. Ew. Flip Zippy off the front side fucking Falcon. Exactly. Good God.

Jumbo off the Hakuna Matata. You said you had a Licker Lyle story. Yeah, so we were just talking about the Midwest and Twin Cities, so I'm from Minnesota, bless its heart. We were just saying a lot of people don't really know, I mean, they know Minneapolis, but they don't consider it a big, legitimate city,

even though we have every sports team. I mean, we have everything. But a great art community. Yeah, seriously. The theater, what is it? The Guthrie. The Gut great art community. Yeah. Seriously. So we were talking about. The theater. The theater. What is it? Big through the Guthrie. The Guthrie is so beautiful. There's a Guthrie dude out in the back where you can look at the river and they have like

those brick steps or whatever. It's so sick. It's gorgeous, man. But they're like sunset. But the comedy scene there is great. Crazy. The music scene is amazing. Rhyme Sears and all those guys.

Yeah. But yeah, all those guys and girls. Good Lord. Mm-hmm. And so, but yeah, we were talking about this bar, Liquor Lyle's.

Minnesota is a big drinking town. I mean, the Midwest is just psychotic anyway. It's like horrific. Yeah. No, I mean, nobody,

nobody even bats an eye when you're like, let me get four Jamesons at noon. They're like, obviously, of course. Yeah. Yeah.

No, we weren't open at 11. So yeah, catch up. Yeah. My buddy, one of my best friends, John's lives there

and he, he visited LA and I told my buddies I'm like yeah we're gonna go out drinking and they're like okay great and I go

he really drinks and they're like um yeah okay whatever and I go they're like what does he drink and I go he drinks a double vodka Red Bull

with a Jameson Chaser duh outside of Jameson outside of Jameson neat like it's ranch and they're like that's not real

and I'm like no it's fucking real and then so he flew in and we go to the bar meet my buddies and we're hanging out and he goes to the bar and he's like

yeah can I double vodka and Red Bull with a shot of Jameson and all my friends are like that's fucking real is this real and my buddy

proceeded to put down like 10 of those shots so anyway we go to this place Liquor Lyle's which is known for their two for ones and it was like Christmas week, which people drink even more.

Yeah, they do. And everyone's opening vomit Christmas morning. And so my brother and my friends are like two-for-ones, shit-faced. My brother, we leave the bar to go to another bar. My brother takes a wipeout in the middle of the street, slips on the ice, smack, all fucked up. And we're like, let's go, man. Get up. And my brother's like, nah, something's wrong. I hurt my leg. We're like, fucking bitch. Come was like let's go man get up and my brother's like now something's wrong

i hurt my leg we're like fucking bitch come on let's go we go bar hopping for another two hours everyone just kind of goes into a zombie mode and vanishes the next day i call my brother he had um passed out in front of his uh apartment door yeah and then woke up and went to the doctor and he had broken his leg holy shit and we didn't we didn know that. We made him go out bar hopping for another two hours with a broken leg. And he had broken his leg on that fall. That is wild. Dr. Liquor Lyle's prescribed him

eight more bars that night. So if you want to go to Liquor Lyle's... Get ready for that kind of evening. Where can people fuck with you these days? What should people be able to look at? Fuck with me. What do I have? I just have a new special on Netflix called Comedians of the World.

Me and D'Elia, Neil Brennan, Nicole Byer. That came out in January. I'm working on a new special, and then I'm trying to get a TV show going, so I'm developing like three shows right now. Hell yeah. Just to kind of get off the road. I was touring on and off on my own, and then with Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Schneider,

we did like a big tour on and off for two years. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And yeah, but now I'm just kind of chilling. I kind of want to just, I want to have a summer off and just watch baseball and get smashed. Absolute. Twins fan?

Yeah, big Twins fan. We're looking decent right now. Are they looking good? Yeah. I'll get into baseball like right after the NBA ends. I know. It's kind of hard to switch gears. You know, with college basketball, hockey playoffs, NBA playoffs.

There's so much going on. It's hard to really, and knowing that there's still going to be 100 games once all that's over. I know. It's the longest season. And then there's people that are like, you know, the fucking two psycho fans that are like, ah, the Red Sox are fucked. Yeah, I know. They're like one in five. It's seven games into the season.

It's fucking over. There's no starting pitching. What a fact. Yeah. Fact is. Mookie Betts is still going to hit 80 more home runs this year. They're all fucking over. You guys are cold.

So fuck with Swartzen. Keep a lookout for the new shit. I'm mainly on Instagram at RealNickSwartzen, and I've got select dates. I'm just trying to work out a new set, which, you know, it's just always a fucking worse. When you release a special as a comedian, you just kind of torch all that, and then you kind of have to start from scratch. Right. There's nothing scarier than a white page.

Just look back at you, and you're like, oh, Jesus. Just a white fucking male page. Just straight. Just a fucking. Just staring at you. Just oppressing you. Yeah. Just a straight fucking. Just staring at you. Just oppressing you. Yeah. Just really.

Judging. Yeah. You just hear DMX growling. Making that noise. Yeah. Yeah. You guys probably thought DMX was here for a second. I did.

For the listeners, DMX is in the studio. That was just me. He's got a sleepy time tea with some honey in it. He's getting over a thing. You got to look at the paper. Got some jokes. David Borey. Hey. The genius silent on Twitter. it. He's getting over a thing. You gotta look at the paper. Got some jokes. David Borey. Hey.

The G is silent on Twitter. Hey. Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram. That is me. Not changing it. Never, ever. Same number, same hood. Cool guy jokes 87.

Fuck you, mom and dad. Where are you from in this country? What part of, what state are you from? Colorado. Colorado. Most, most. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mostly.

Very familiar with the two, the two vodka, Red Bull, Jamison Chaser. Yeah, that's yeah. Fucking Christ. Very familiar with the two vodka Red Bull, Jamison Chaser. Yeah, that's so cordial. That's my favorite brunch. That's a loose handshake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Family reunion shit, dude. That's how I kickstart the motor.

Yeah, absolutely. I would say this, because I've got shows coming up there, and I've done a lot of shows in Denver. Yeah. And I would say that's probably, I'm going to make a bold statement. Go on. That's probably the fucking number one craziest party town in the country right now.

Yeah. I've been saying it for years. I'll co-sign that. For years. It's out of control. It's gross. It's mountain people who have no fucking. You'll find yourself in weird situations.

Oh, yeah. I found myself in a hot tub. You know what I mean? Not the last time I was there, but two times ago. Yeah. Just like in a hot tub with naked people. Like it's somebody, I'm like, what am I doing here? Yeah. We love a good spa. What were the things that, you know, like, yeah. Last time I was there, I got into a relationship. That shit is crazy. Yeah. You poop outside sometimes. Yeah. You poop outside sometimes. Yeah. Steal

a bunch of shit from the hotel. No, it's fucking nuts, man. I had to like, and I'm pretty fluent in like getting after it. Yeah. I had to like tap out. I stayed, I had to like and I'm pretty fluent in like getting after it yeah I had to like tap out I stayed I did shows there and then I stayed an extra two weeks and I was finally like my buddy opened for me he was like I thought we were gonna be here like a day yeah and I was like let's just let's just stop talking just let's just keep

let's just see where this goes so yeah I've oh god yeah what's that street what's like the hip street where the festival is and everything oh that's on South Broad I'm more of a Colfax man myself Colfax yeah

yeah South Broadway's cool though shout out to the Hornets Colfax runs the gamut man yeah Colfax gets gross real quick there's gnarly parts of Colfax

gnarly parts of Colfax do we party on Colfax no no okay do you do the comedy works I've never done comedy works I'd love to do Comedy Works.

Comedy Works is great. They put your phone in a bag. That's rad. I like that a lot. It's really intimate. It's low ceilings. It's nuts. We'll do High Plains there.

It's really fun. We'll be back. I'm not drinking right now, so I'm going to see how this plays out. How's that going? I'm trying not to drink that much either. Month and a half in, do you have a goal you're going for? Just like, let me see if I... I'm going to do another month.

Yeah. I'm on like a crazy fucking diet. I'm just doing like a full power detox. Oh, you were talking about that diet. What are you into right now? Well, I was always pretty healthy. Even when I drank my fucking tits off, I was kind of this like conundrum where I would I would eat really healthy so I would go to the bar yeah and I would rip vodka but I would

have like they'd be like you want food I'm like yeah let me get like a side of broccoli and like like some hard-boiled eggs literally people be like what the fuck and I'll be like yeah I'll take another double fucking vodka fire hose right in my eye yeah So I detox like half the year. People don't really know that. So I'll drink a lot and then I'll like take time out. Yeah. So I went to this fucking doctor from Dallas and it was my buddy's dad. He does this thing called kinesiology and then he also reads your body and

checks your temperature of your organs. Okay. So he did this whole thing and I'm lying down and he's like, like, like feeling my ankles and he's reading my body. And he goes, tell me about your diet. And I go, I eat a lot of eggs. He goes, well, cut eggs out.

Yeah. And I go, okay, well, I have like eggs and brown rice. I cut out brown rice, all grains. Damn. I already, I quit dairy 10 years ago. So he was like, okay, good. I don't eat sugar. So he was like, okay.

And he's like, well, cut out all fruit. So I had to cut out fruit, all seafood, all grains. I'd already cut dairy. I had to cut up eggs. I had to cut out fruit, all seafood, all grains. I had already cut dairy. What the fuck? I had to cut out eggs. I had to cut out. It was fucking insane. Dude, you're just eating vegetables right now.

So I'm eating all greens, chicken, turkey, and tofu. The meat has to be organic. And it's just like fucking nuts, dude. Do you feel powerful, though? I mean, I feel good. I sleep good. I wake up and get shit done. I'm doing stand-up in this mindset, which is

kind of weird. That is an interesting place. I did a week when I was on a straight-up juice cleanse once. Those were weird sets, man. I was really aggro. Not angry, but just a very intense person on stage. I just did sets. I hadn't

been on stage, because Hawaii has no comedy clubs, so I hadn't been on stage because Hawaii has no comedy club. So I hadn't been on stage for a while and I just did some sets of the comedy show and the improv and I had no idea what I was doing. Yeah, yeah.

It was just, it was all over the map. Everything was way too visceral. Right, it really is. I was just clean burning. Just energy not aligned or hung over. It turns you into

a fucking pace car. You know, you are like a fucking, one of those race cars that just go for like six seconds? You know what I mean? Yeah. You're burning like clean fuel and everything.

Everything's like clear. It was intense. I felt like 10 Dane Cooks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like. We were on a tank top.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, fuck, good for you, man. And then you're just doing it for, you're doing it for another month or so and just. I'll do it for another month then I go back to Minnesota yeah so I'm going back for a month

to um workout sets I'm gonna go and just do like open mics and just fuck around and do one nighters and just like work out

you know I don't really like working out in LA so I wanna go I just wanna go home you can't work out here I go back to Portland to do that stuff

me too I wanna just go back for a couple weeks and just like do every show I don't know so you can just do well you can just do out here. I go back to Portland to do that stuff. Me too. I just go back for a couple weeks and just like do every show. And also you can just do, well, you can just do them here too. But like for me, I can't just go do shows in LA. But even when you do it here, it's like there's just expectation. I mean, I did the comedy store, which I love. And it was, you know, it's just like everyone's just banging it out.

Yeah. And then I go up like, hey, and I was just, my set the other night was, it was fine, but it wasn't like, I want to just like grind it, you know? Right, you're right. You don't want fucking the booker from XYZ in the crowd, you know, when you're like trying to think for the first time. I know, I've been trying to get into XYZ forever.

XYZ is great, yeah. Such a good room. XYZ, that's like Amazon's new channel. XYZ. He puts a gun on the table. E-C-K-S-W-I. I love Portland comedy. Portland comedy is great. Yeah. I loveK-S-W-I. I love Portland comedy. Portland comedy is great.

Yeah. I love Portland in general. It's awesome. Really great. Yeah. It was a cool place for us to come up. We were very lucky. Yeah, I bet.

It's kind of a similar vibe to Minneapolis. I think so. It's smart and they get it. So if you want to go off the rails a little bit, they'll go with you. Totally. A lot of cities like to say they like Portland Portland and I think Minneapolis is the one that's actually the closest vibe-wise. I would agree with that. Portland's got really good

food. They've always had good food, but now they've got really good food. Have you been to Canard yet? No. Oh my God. Is that where we had the duck pancakes? We were kind of there. I was in the building for sure. It's a duck pancake. It's called the duck stack. It's like a duck pancake thing.

Marissa, you went. It's the guy who, I forget, Gabriel Rucker is the name of the chef. He's got this restaurant, Le Pigeon, and he opened a more casual place right next door called Canard, and it's fucking crazy good. Yeah. I gotta check that out. It's like a steamed White Castle cheeseburger, but the crazy best version of that you could ever hope for.

The food is amazing. Once you look at our menu and people are fucking with duck, you're like, okay, this place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just taking it seriously. Right, exactly. They're cooking with weird animals. Go to Cunard when you're there. I will.

I will, for sure. I was on this big tour. Whenever I do tours, I always overdo it. I'll start out with like 30 cities. Yeah. And then I'll get cocky and I'll be like, oh, let's just add more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do, like, 40.

And then I'll get up to, like, 50. And my agent's like, let's throw in, like, 10 more. So, like, my last tour, I did, like, 63 places. That's gnarly. And it, like, week two, I'm dreading. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, what have I done? Yeah. And I was so, like, completely out of my mind that I did Portland, and I called them Seattle. Oh, no. It was such a cliche, like, what have I done? Yeah. And I was so like completely out of my mind that I did Portland and I called them Seattle.

Oh, no. It was such a cliche like tour moment, but I literally did it. And then I went back after that to kind of work out at Helium, which is a great club. Great club. And I was like, hey, just shooting the show with a crowd. I'm like, yeah, I was here on my last tour. And I don't know if you guys remember. And some guy just goes, yeah, he called us Seattle.

Yeah. And I was like, oh, so you're, yeah I don't know if you guys remember, and some guy just goes, yeah, he called us Seattle. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, so you were, yeah. You guys were at that show? Right between the ribs in Portland. That one. It goes right between the ribs. That's like the biggest pet peeve. Oh, I know.

We have such a little brother complex to Seattle. Oh, for sure. You were the little brother to Seattle. We are. Seattle sucks, though. Seattle sucks, but we're the cool little brother, but still, there's the, you know. But you guys are like the little brother who smokes weed. Yeah.

And then like your big brother's like a fucking nerd. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you're going to sail a boat, big brother? You fucking loser. And I'm from Seattle. Yeah, right? Yeah. We'll give you Tacoma.

Nobody wants that. Seattle's an interesting town. It's the only place where I've almost gotten beat up at a bar. Why? I mean, my buddy did shows, and we were going bar hopping up on that hill area. Yeah. And we went into this bar. This is kind of a side story.

We went in this bar, and they were playing hip hop as we were walking past. They were playing the Tribe Called Quest. So I was like, hey, let's go in here. And we went in the bar and everyone was staring at us. We're like, that's weird. I go, yeah, I guess I'm, you know, I'm Reno 91, whatever the fuck. And they were like weirdly staring at us. And we realized it was

a lesbian hip-hop bar. Which is cool as fuck. It's fucking fantastic. But we were the only guys in there and all the women were like, they look like dudes, you know. But it was cool. So we drank and then we left. So that's a side story. So it was cool that Seattle

has a lesbian hip hop bar. And then we went to this other bar and these guys just like, I don't know, it was like some hipster bar and there was like

a table of like seven of them. Dog. And me and my buddy were just casually drinking and the bartender was a big fan and bought us a round

and these guys wanted to fight us. Yeah. So they followed us like to three more bars. No shit, not three bars. And so I was like,

I go, all right, well now I'll just fight. I don't care. Right, yeah. So I walked us like to three more bars. No shit. I was like, I go, all right, well now I'll just fight. I don't care. Right? Yeah. So I walked up to these guys and they were clearly

passive aggressive energy. I'm like, hey, what's going on? And they just kind of stared at me and I'm like, what's up? And then they just

didn't do anything and I was like, oh, fuck you. Yeah. You gotta get a nice Seattle fucking assholes. One of those telescope ones.

I like Seattle. I like Seattle too, but in Portland and Seattle, I don't want to say this, those fucking hipsters, dude, that's all, it's all a look. It's all an act. I mean, we came up around a bunch of those. I like Seattle too, but in Portland and Seattle, I don't want to say this. Those fucking hipsters, dude, it's all a look. It's all an act. I mean, we came up around a bunch of those. I have some dear friends who are like hard hipsters.

It almost feels weird to even use that term anymore. There's so much, you know, but like some of them are just fucking pricks, man. Well, it's just so contrived. You don't even understand how corny they are. Right, exactly. You're so hip that now you're being a cliche and now you're a fucking dork. The snake has eaten its own tail. Yeah. Like, I mean, Fred Armisen

is one of my old friends. Yeah. I saw him at the gym today. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. In the Dale? In the Dale. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Fred is one of my, was one of my oldest friends and I've known him forever. I got him as first agent when he first came to LA. No shit! Yeah. That's fun. And

I remember I saw him at this place called Largo in LA. Yeah. And he got off stage, it was like 15 years ago. And I go, hey man, what's your deal? And he goes, oh, I just moved here. And he did this bit on stage, a sketch. And I go, do you have a tape of what you just did? It's one of the funniest things ever.

I go, do you have an agent? He goes, no. And I was with ICM at the time, his agency. And I brought in this tape and I showed it to my agent. I go, you gotta sign this guy, he's got nobody. And my agent's like,, and I showed it to my agent. I go, you've got to sign this guy. He's got nobody. And my agent's like, I don't get it. I'm like, what do you mean you get it?

This guy's brilliant. So he goes, no. I pass it on to him. I take it to another agent's office, pass it on to him. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I finally take him to this other agent who was really great. And I go, you've got to sign this guy. And he goes, oh, this guy's a genius.

He signed him, and he was his agent for like 12 years. Visionaries are so rare. Anyone with any vision. It's fucking insane. And then I left that agency and me and Fred both did. Yeah. But so I did, he called me to do an episode of Portlandia. Yeah. Which I did

with Josh Homey and we played like a bad gay couple. I remember. It's funny. And we went out in Portland. So this is the point of the story. I go, oh, you must be like worshipped in Portland. You know what I mean? It's just like homage of this town. And he goes, no.

He goes, it's fucking hit or miss. It's a cop incident. He goes, it's either people get it and they love it or they fucking don't, dude. And so he goes, our line producer would call locations. And he'd be like, hey, man, we'd love to film at your coffee shop. And they'd be like, okay, what's it for? And they're like, Portlandi. And the phone would just hang up.

It's for real. It's crazy. The amount of people there who think it's like a pure insult. Yeah. When it's, it's insane. It's insane. I'll tell you that Minneapolis,

they would love it. Plus it was Carrie Brownstein who'd been living in Portland like forever. And like, you know, she's an indie darling. She's an indie darling. She'd lived in Olympia before that. She either lived in Olympia or Portland and we're going to fucking talk shit about her.

That was always crazy to me. Well, and that show is just so accurate. It's so accurate where you're like, you can get mad, but they're not lying. A direct hit.

Well, your anger only makes it more valid. Right, exactly. That's how you're hitting exactly what you are. The people who were mad were like the bike messenger character that Fred played.

That was exactly who hated him. It was fucking wild. They're like people handing out flyers. Right. Someone comes up to me like, hey, you have buck teeth. And I'm like, fuck you, I doers. Yeah, right. Someone comes up to me like, hey, you have

buck teeth, and I'm like, fuck you, I do not. Yeah, I do. You got buck teeth? I got buck teeth. I don't think your teeth are that buck. You bring it up a lot.

Every part of me is buck, dude. Beaver. Fuck you. You need to take 20% off. Fuck you, dude. Well, shit, we got to do this draft real quick. Yeah, yeah.

Because we got to get you out of here to go watch Auburn play Virginia. I got money on it. Virginia. Wait, really quick. Yes. When I was in Portland, so Fred's like, hey, you want to get lunch?

Yeah. So we go out. We walk into this restaurant. And I just look over, and the entire kitchen staff is glaring at us. Yeah. And I turn to Fred, and I go, hey, should we go to somewhere else? And Fred's so innocent. He's like, what?

No. What do you mean? Yeah. And I go, I'm getting like, fucking, I don't think this place likes us. And he goes, no, I think we're fine. I'm like, no, I know what fucking glaring is. I know what glaring is. And he's like, no.

And I was like nervous the whole time I was eating. I'm like, are we just eating like hipster diarrhea right now? What is this dish that they've made specially for us? It was fine, but it was just funny. You probably just unwashed kale. Just kale. But if anyone's, I unwashed kale. You know, just kale. But if anyone's, I mean,

we have a lot of listeners in Portland on account of where from them, you know, Nick and Fred both get a full Portland G pass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, man.

For God's sake, I'll go to both of your donut shops. Yeah. Fucking go to blue star. God, I made the mistake of bringing that up on stage. Oh my God. I was like,

I went to blue star. It was like, Hey man, what the fuck? People like blue star. I was like, I went to Blue Star. I was like, hey man, what the fuck? People were like, yeah, Blue Star. I was like, well, this is now the Bloods and Crips of Portland. It is the Bloods and Crips of Portland. This is a fucking full out gang fight. It's fucking crazy. I like

that. That there's like hard donut allegiance. I like the idea. It's not even a joke though, Dave. I lost my cousin in the donut race. But that might actually happen. You might go to Salt and Strong and catch a fucking waffle cone right in the fucking cone. Someone just walks up to you

and says, I'm crazy with a waffle cone 30 times. God, God, God, God, God. And then they hand it to somebody else who eats it, you know? It's over. They throw sprinkles in your eyes and then a cone to the larynx.

Yeah, dude. And then like the blood sausage flavor ice cream, which they would do. You know, they leave it on you symbolism. Next time you go to Portland, hit me up though. I've got like- I will for sure.

I love that. A long list of fucking recommendations. Yeah, it's a great town. Kochka is amazing. I'm Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel across platform. Listen to all fantasy, everything. Shout out to super producer Marissa

on the ones and twos. The God. Now we are gathered here in HeadGum Studios in beautiful downtown Los Angeles, not only to just fucking run it back although we could do that

for another hour solid we're gathered here to draft the perfect sandwich experience now that's a type of sandwich where you're eating it who you're eating it with

living or dead just no dead relatives because I mean what are we trying to play what are we trying to play the violin in here you're right no dead relatives

or I mean if it's a cool dead relative, whatever. Nope, they're dead. But only the relatives. You can do other dead people. Other dead people. Just no relatives. And what music are you listening to? And then if we get to a fifth round, which we might not,

this might be the first four-round AFE, we'll throw in a wild card. But to determine the order of the draft, we play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Okay. Play between the three of you. I'm shooting up. We throw on shoot. Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David wins. David wins. Shooting up, man, every time. You gotta shoot up, dude. Speaking of Portland, shooting up. David wins all the time. I shoot up, though.

I can't throw paper. I can throw paper. You can't throw paper up. Portland style. Rock, paper, scissors No joke, folks It's no joke David, what will the order of today's draft be?

But before you determine that I should remind you It is a serpentine draft And what is that? Great question Serpentine draft Kind of like mowing your lawn Okay

What? One of those easy ones Oh, time Oh, that's your hole You go, you know When you mow your lawn You go down one way And then you just kind of

Turn around and you come back Oh, I see I see what you're hole. You go, you know, when you move along, you go down one way, and then you just kind of turn around, and you come back this way. Oh, I see. I see what you're saying. So if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. I got it. Yeah. That was an all right. That was perfect, baby.

We got a ticking clock. It's great. That's how they drafted Vietnam. They did. Yeah, they just went back. All right. And all the way back down. Lucky you.

David, what will the order today be? I'm going to start. Yacht City. Ian. Oh, what up? David, Nick, Sean. All right. And then back around.

Of course. As it is. Bobby, back around. Bobby, back around. Bert, back around. Bert, back around. Ian's first. Still got the hot corner, but he goes first.

Still hot corner. Yeah. All right. With the first pick in the total sandwich experience, our fantasy. Say what? Do we have to do, we all have to do type first? No, you can pick whatever you want. Do whatever you want.

Oh, fuck. Play jazz. You can pick where, a sandwich, or whatever, whatever. So with my first pick, I am going to take the sandwich. I have been very clear on this podcast before. And you're Jewish, right? 100%, bar mitzvahed and everything. I've been very clear about what kind of sandwich I prefer.

I'm not going to say the name of it because I'm not actually drafting it. Because I have a very specific tailored experience here. Okay. What I'm going to be taking is a everything bagel, which, shout out to Chantour's, it shouldn't cost that. That amazing bit. Everything bagel, a little cream cheese schmear, Nova Lox, red onion, capers, bagel sandwich. Okay. That's what I'm taking.

All right. Just a pure Hebrew experience. Good God. Yeah. Good God. Murray! Murray! Murray!

Where's Ari? Murray, pass the shmear bubbler. Murray, where's the shmear bubbler? It's just a fucking, I grew up eating it. I still love it. I had one the other day. We went to Friedman's. Shout out to Friedman's here in LA.

It was good. Pretty decent brunch. And I had like a whitefish Novolux plate. It was delicious. It's not the kind of sandwich you want to eat and then like talk to anyone. You know what I mean? It's dense. It's dense.

It's heavy. It's like eating a phone book. It's heavy. It's like eating a phone book. It's insane that it's a breakfast sandwich. It's like the kind of sandwich. I didn't give you that. That's very funny. I'll take a phone book. It's like eating specifically the part of the phone book where every name ends in Stein.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like eating Crown Heights' phone book, but from the 40s. Is it a breakfast? Does it have to be? It doesn't have to be, but it feels breakfast-y. It it a breakfast? Does it have to be? It is. It doesn't have to be, but it feels breakfast-y. It's breakfast-y.

It's breakfast-y for sure. Yeah. There's not a lot of fish in the morning usually. No, I guess in other parts of the country or in other parts of the world, there is a lot of fish in the morning.

Really? Yeah. Fish in the morning was my drive time radio show when I was still back in Portland. That was my band in prep school. Yeah. It was 45 seconds.

Fish in the morning. Fish in the morning fish in the morning speaking of Jews Jewish Elvis shout out to Jewish Elvis Neil Diamond yeah so I'm taking the just the classic

bagel sandwich sure with all the fucking fixings David Borey time for your first pick okay my first pick cause I gotta

I'm drawing I'm painting a picture right I feel like a prick I'm not really painting a picture I'm just making moves I'm drawing, I'm painting a picture, right? I feel like a prick. I'm not really painting a picture. I'm just making moves. I don't know. I might, I guess.

That's because you're a fucking prick. Damn. South Dakota not inspiring. You got it over here. Cheese and rice. So my first pick. You just got a front yard full of car parts over there. What are you going to do about it?

Build an engine or leave, baby. This is fucking metal shop, dog. I don't even know. I'm so. Metal shop? It's working, though. Just keep going. I think if I just keep talking.

People can't tell that you're doing a sprint or a control call. It's like I have naked pictures. What are you doing? Yeah, I got, you know, I'm involved. I'm very involved. David looks at naked pictures of himself when he does a podcast. You have to. I don't even think that's weird.

I think that's self-love. I think you should do the same. Stop your own, Wiener. You know what the back of your balls look like. I don't even think that's weird. I think that's self-love. I think you should do the same. Snap your own wiener. You know what the back of your balls look like? You don't. You fucking talk to me like that. I'm going to pick the world's highest swimming pool. I'm going to be at the Ritz-Carlton Hong Kong.

Wow. I like that a lot. That's a great move. It's the highest you could be in the air and be wet. Yeah. That's true. Completely wet. It's the Ritz-Carlton Hong Kong and be wet. Yeah. That's true. Completely wet. It's Carlton, Hong Kong. Do you know how high it is?

It is. Yeah, I do know how high it is. It's fucking Redman and Mesoband. 1,588 feet tall. Okay. Wow, that's up there. The International Commerce Center in Hong Kong. That's buck. And I'm going to be up there looking out. Let me ask you this, and this, I'm not trying to knock it down a peg. If anything, I'm trying to elevate it even more.

Is it a pool that you can get? Does it go down to 10 feet? Do you have that much info? Do I know how deep the pool is? Yeah, that's my question. No. That's all right. It's all right.

I mean, I'm not. Are you in the pool while you're eating it? Because that's illegal. What? No, not in Hong Kong. It's up there. After 1,000 feet, you can do whatever you want. Once the British handed control back over to the Chinese, it became legal to eat sandwiches in pools. Yeah, that's the FAA's feet, you can do whatever you want. The British handed control back over to the Chinese.

It became legal to eat sandwiches in pools. Yeah, that's the FAA's territory. You can do whatever. Kill a guy. It's not a big deal. It's fine, actually. It looks like it's an infinity pool, but yeah, I'm in the pool for sure. Wow. So I'm hoping it's more of a shallow pool that you're sort of a waist-deep situation. Day or night

are you eating this? Nighttime, up to my nipples. Whoa! Deep. Yeah. Nip deep. But I'm not that tall, so it's like you're mid-belly. Yeah. My nips. Nighttime up to my nipples. Yeah, but still, it's where it is on the body, you know what I mean? Nipples out. Oh, nipples out. Just like grazing the bottle.

In the Ritz-Carlton, Hong Kong. Are you staying at the Ritz-Carlton? Yes. Okay, yeah, yeah. So there's not an element of danger to sneaking in. No, no, no. Alright, cool. What's your business in Hong Kong? No. Come on. You're there to kill John Wick, aren't you? Are you there for John Wick?

He's there to fight a lot. That open contract on John Wick. He's looking for a lot, dude. His sandwich is a new dog for John Wick. If you kill his fucking sandwich, you're done. All right. You got John Wick tied up eating a sandwich right in front of him, dude. He's watching it.

He's watching the water play across my face. What a comment for Keanu Reeves when it's all said and done is going to have one of the most fun careers out of anybody. Wait till that second Bill and Ted comes out. Forget about it. It's simmering right now. Dude, the guy's already done it. Already. He rips.

He's just adding fucking tears to the cake at this point. Nick, time for your first pick. I'm going to go, I'm going to eat it with Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, really? I just, that guy's bringing his A game every sandwich he eats. Yes. To the point where he stretches his neck into an accordion.

Yeah. That's true. And I want to see that shit in real life. You got to have have goals you got to hang out among people who are going to elevate you and make you want to like push yourself right yeah it's like ping pong anything yeah you know what i mean yeah you got to have somebody that's going to bring it push it was fast too right you wouldn't he wouldn't he eat it fast he would eat it immediately and he would tie with a shoelace yeah and eat it in one bite yeah yeah so And then the shoelace would break naturally. And then it would expand

and then somehow he would get it down. Yeah. Yeah. So that's my co-pilot, Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. He took that technique from the Mayans, actually. It's weird that that existed, but also all the monsters were just peoples in costumes. Uh-huh.

Like, what's really going on here? Accordion throat, that's real, but trolls aren't, you know? Right. Or like, why don't they just pull the mask off right away like we've been through this a hundred times yeah let's just pull this thing the first thing we should do is check if it's a human yeah yeah it's crazy that they still believe in ghosts yeah that they're not just still on board yeah they're still like this could be a ghost also i like sometimes that in scooby-doo the villains were just like creepy looking dudes that but the mask was just them like looking like uh like they had been frozen for 10,000 years.

They weren't really like monsters per se. No, it was just old men. They were just like scarier looking old men. They just didn't want the neighborhood to be gentrified. Yeah. There was always amusement park related business. Scooby never just saw Whole Foods and was like, all right, this is being gentrified. Let's just pull everyone's masks off.

I could have lived here forever if it weren't for you meddling kids. Ripping masks isn't haunted. This is a squatter. You come in with your dream machines and your Dagwood sandwiches. Oh, my God, that's right. Yeah, man, I didn't want that. Used to be good, hardworking Polish folk were all in it. That's funny.

Or what if they all had Alzheimer's on Scooby-Doo and they just kept forgetting that they had a mystery? That's why it was always new to them. Just panicking. Daphne doesn't know who anybody is. Just a bunch of 20-somethings with deep Alzheimer's. Deep Alzheimer's. Shaggy was on his way, man.

Is Scooby-Doo there in this scenario, too, or is it just you and Shaggy? No, man. No Scoob, dude. Is this cartoon Shaggy? I want to see if Shaggy can fucking do it on his own man yeah stop relying on that fucking dog it's a codependent relationship it is yeah well this is good as a step yeah yeah towards the sandwich you gotta identify the problem you know for shaggy shaggy

all right south d south d bring it dude uh i'm gonna eat my sandwich with the entire wu-tang clan including master killer whoa you can't master killer can you do that i don't know i was so swept I'm going to eat my sandwich with the entire Wu-Tang Clan, including Master Killer. What? You can't. And Master Killer. Can you do that? I don't know. I was so swept away that Master Killer got an invite.

I didn't even start to think. I got to pick one person? Do I pick one person? I'm just checking the parameters. I think you could probably. I'll pick one of them if I have to. I like that. Pick one of the.

Yeah, pick one. Pick one Wu-Tang Clan member. I think it's better if you isolate it to one. It tells us more about you. Because I can be like, oh, I want to eat my sandwich

with Colorado. Yeah. Then it's like, what the fuck, man? Well, it's not going to be you, God. Not going to be Mastika.

It's going to be RZA. I'm going to eat my sandwich with RZA. You and RZA? Yeah. That's the one guy you picked? RZA's amazing. He worked in a deli

in Funny People. He is amazing. He's got an area. And that's real. Otto. Otto's my lotto. You probably thought RZA was here for a second. Again, People. Amazing is amazing. It's got experience. And that's real. Otto. Otto's my lotto. You probably thought RZA was here for a second.

Again, just me. See, RZA's cool because you can talk about music, movies. Yeah. While you're eating? He's been in a Jim Jarmusch film. Fuck, man. I don't know. You need to put the sandwich down for a second.

We don't know how big the sandwich is. Listen, man. That's true. I'm going to tell you the truth. RZA's too deep for me. I bought Bobby Digital with my own money when I was 13. Didn't get it. Sure. I just didn't get it. I my own money when I was like 13 didn't get it sure I just didn't get it

I told my friends I got it I didn't get it you took me a cue I still don't get it I don't know it was a movie Bobby Digital was a movie I don't understand

that album at all see this is what we're talking about when I eat my sandwich I'll let you know Riz it I don't need straight answers though

I don't need straight answers it'd be interesting though he's gonna be talking in code yeah he speaks in Chinese Proverbs I finally see how tall he is I've always wondered that you could google it is he tall? I don't need straight answers. It'd be interesting, though. He's going to be talking in code. Yeah, he speaks in Chinese proverbs. I finally see how tall he is. I've always wondered that. You could Google it.

Is he tall? I don't want to, though. I don't know. He looks tall to me. They're all tall. Method Man is tall. Method Man's tall. Except for Method Man.

Method Man's huge. I did an animated show with him. Yeah, he's just like big, right? Like tall and like... He's a big fucking dude, man. Yeah. It's easier to think of him as a smaller Rasheed Wallace, and then he's not as intimidating. That's wild. Yeah, that's what I do. Yeah, that's interesting. Compared to Sheed, that's what I do. It's easier to think of him as a smaller Rasheed Wallace, and then he's not as intimidating. That's wild.

Yeah, that's what I do. Yeah, that's interesting. If you compare it to Sheed, that always comes back. That's how I compare it to Rasheed. Oh, yeah. Whatever measures up. Did Rasheed go from Blazers to the Pistons? Blazers to the Hawks for a day, and then to the Pistons, yeah.

What? I didn't know that. Do you ever get mad at that Pistons run? No, man. I was happy for Sheed, and I loved Ben Wallace. I loved Ben Wallace. Ben Wallace should have made the Hall of Fame last night. He looked like he was from the old world.

Ben Wallace is terrifying looking. Ben Wallace with two axes? I would run towards him so he would kill me faster because I know he's going to catch me. He just had those things around his muscles like they were holding something back. Yeah, those Ultimate Warrior strings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ben is going to break out of his skin. It's like William Wallace and then Ben Wallace. Yeah, those are two scary motherfuckers. It's a direct bloodline. That would be a great problem.

I like it when people can be super rich and still look fresh out. Yeah. Oh, he still looks fresh. Ben Wallace to this day looks just like that still

and he's had millions of dollars for ever. Oh, Ben Wallace looks nerdy. Maybe that's who I'm You never see that guy out and about. No dollars for ever Ben Wallace maybe that's who I'm meeting with you never see that guy out and about

no I think he cause he's from like Alabama he's from like the fucking soil and I think he just

went back there when he was retired and like just like chills there calm down yeah I didn't know he was from Alabama

he can vanish in Alabama yeah that is a fucking rogue rogue state eats snake meat and hangs out in the barn god yeah you think he's killing animals in Alabama. Yeah. That is a fucking rogue, rogue state. He just eats snake meat and hangs out in the barn.

God. Yeah. You think he's killing animals? I think he's fucking deadlifting oxen. I think he's like definitely doing weird like Rocky III workouts

and shit. Juggling gators. Just whatever the fuck he's doing, man. Whatever he's doing, he's succeeding. He's doing like tall tales. There's going to be tall tales

about Ben Wallace in like 50 years. You know what I mean? He like used a house shoe to carve like an irrigation system for a farm or like something. Alright, Sean, you're eating with RZA and that's time for your

second pick. I'm eating with RZA and the type of sandwich we're going to eat is going to be a Cuban sandwich with volcano sauce on it. From Taco Bell. Yes. The volcano sauce. It's a dead sauce. I know volcano sauce.

I'm bringing it back. An authentic Cuban sandwich. Except the, it's what's on there, like mustard, right? Mustard. So except the mustard, it's going to be volcano sauce. No mustard. Tell the truth. You just want a bologna with volcano on it.

I just want, if I could eat hot sauce as a sandwich, I would. Wait, like the volcano sauce is from where? Taco Bell. But it's gone. But they don't have a Cuban sandwich at Taco Bell, do they? They do not. No, hot sauce as a sandwich, I would. Wait, like the volcano sauce is from where? Taco Bell. But it's gone. But they don't have a Cuban sandwich at Taco Bell, do they? They do not. No, he's got a sauce from one place. I'm playing jazz over here.

He's such a... He'll do this shit. He'll put hot sauce on anything. This man has put hot sauce on a salad. I put it on a salad one time and he lost his mind. I don't think that that's that bad for the record. I like that. Maybe I'm on an island here.

I don't mind. It's a nice island. I had Thousand Island on a salad one time, like a shitload of it. And Ian's like, if that's fucking hot sauce. It was Russian dressing. It was not Thousand Island. It was Russian dressing. Which is rad.

But I love it that you were just like, if that's because it was, it would have been a lot of hot sauce. But it looked like, so it looked like he had put so much sriracha. Because Russian dressing looks like sriracha. So it looked like the dude had put like a grip of sriracha just on a pile of iceberg lettuce. And I was like, I'm going to watch one of my best friends sit here and do that to himself. I was worried about you. Don't put it past me. I would do it.

I might do it tonight. Do you ever do this? Because I'm a big hot sauce guy. Do you ever put too much hot sauce on something in front of people? And then you know you have and you take a bite and you're like, oh, fuck. I put too much. But you tough it out so you don't look like a dude. Yeah, you have to.

Yeah, yeah. I did that the other day with pho. I had like a big bowl and I just splatter goried fucking sriracha in it and it was way too much. It disappears in there. And I toughed it out the whole time and my buddy's like you're not enjoying that. I'm like no I can do it.

We were at the Mall of America when I was like 13. Me and my friend Smith and they had that hot sauce. I still have it, but they had a hot sauce store where you could try the hot colon blow or whatever. Right. And we tried it when we were kids, and we're like, fucking, it's not shit, because you can't feel it for like 30 seconds.

It feels cold. Yeah. And then we just didn't, we didn't, we toughed it out for like an hour, both of us, just sweating, little kids, because we had too much pride. Hot sauce when you're young, too, is, oh my God. You don't know what you're doing yet. Your South Dakota palate. It's only known chiseling and salting.

Milk is one of the spicier things you've had at that point. Old Casper milk toast over here. Chocolate milk. Ooh. Spicy hot milk. Spicy the Dakotas in Minnesota just do not.

Oh my God. That is burning. What? It's frosting. It's cinnamon gum. Oh my God. Cuban sandwich with volcano sauce. What that is, it's a ham. It's a Swiss pork.

A pickle. Volcano sauce. What kind of bread? I don A pickle. Pickle. Volcano sauce. And then volcano sauce. And then it's like sandwich bread. What kind of bread? I don't know the traditional bread. Cuban like it's not. It's kind of pressed, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like a panini kind of thing. It's like a torta but like pressed down. It's got grill marks. I think it sounds amazing, honestly. Yeah. Yeah, that does sound really good. The sandwich has grill marks. Is RZA wearing a grill?

No. No, no. Perfect. Did RZA make it? Yeah. Sure. Oh, okay. Yeah, throw all a grill? No. No, no, perfect. Did RZA make it? Yeah. Sure. Oh, okay. Yeah, throw all these questions at me.

I got answers. Yeah. Nick, time for your second pick. Okay, side note. Yuck. I did shows in Houston. Yeah. And Paul Wall made me a grill.

Shut the fuck up. What? He made me a gold grill. Yeah, it said- The People's Champ? Yeah, it said skull and diamonds on the teeth. Dog. Yeah. He owns a jewelry. He said skull and diamonds on the teeth. Dog. Yeah.

He owns a jewelry. He owns two jewelry stores. I know, he came to my store and he did it for me. Then it was stolen. Pow. It was stolen? Yeah, so Paul's going to make me another one. We got to go kill him.

I'm going to say I'll pay for it. Receiving it is the real gift. You know what I mean? Yeah. So like you still, you'll always have that. But my side story is that I would try to eat with a grill on. I didn't really know how to do that. And so that was one thing where- Paul, I can tell you. Yeah, I know. I didn't really know how to do that. And so, there was one thing where...

Paul, I'll tell you. Yeah, I know. I should have gotten a tutorial. Paul, how do I eat with this thing? It's really gross. Who's your mom's old boy? Who's your dad? All you do with a grill is smile.

You don't, like, eat fucking Froot Loops or fucking spaghetti and meatballs. That's why ASAP Rocks was really gross. But, all right, so my sandwich, this is one of my favorite sandwiches. It's a Thanksgiving sandwich. Oh! Yeah, dude.

What it is is a toasted roll, turkey, turkey gravy, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. Uh-huh. And you just fucking go to town. I'm off on the cranberry sauce. I love the rest of it. Fuck you, man. Fuck you, Nick. You and your dumb shit attitude.

Off on the cranberry sauce. Fuck you, dude. Fuck W, Nick. You and your dumb shit attitude. Off on the cranberry sauce. Fuck you, dude. Fuck Wally Zerbiak. Oh, this nonsense. Fuck Creme Hassel. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I put my shirt back on. I'm sorry about that. Holy buckets, this guy. Thanksgiving. I got to see this. I'm sorry. Clyde the Glide over there.

It's fucking glossy. I told this before, but when I was a kid, my friend tried to tell me that his nickname, Clyde the Glide, was Clyde the Glide over there. I told this before, but when I was a kid, my friend tried to tell me that his nickname, Clyde the Glide, was Clyde the Clyde. And I believed him because he was a bully. Clyde the Clyde. It doesn't sound like he was your friend. It sounds like he was a bully.

He was a prick, dude. He wasn't my friend. He used to spit on my pillow. Was he just Dom or he just thought that was his nickname? I think he thought it was his nickname. And he's pretty stupid. All right. Where is he now?

Manages a Hy-Vee. Exactly. Thanksgiving sandwich. Yeah, dude. I'm all in on those. I love them. I do love a sandwich on one of those rolls, though. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Like you make and eat the whole thing while the fridge door is still open? Oh, yeah, dude. Just right there. So good. So that's mine. Hell, yeah. So I've never been able to. Wait, sorry. It's a triple because it's Shaggy from there. So good. So that's mine. So I've never been able to...

Wait, sorry, it's a triple because it's shaggy from Scooby-Doo. I have to eat it, so I'm going to try to... I'm going to tie it down with a shoelace.

You got to layer it up. Your shoelace? Yeah, absolutely. His shoelace. Oh, Wally's Zerbiak shoelace. Wally's Zerbiak shoelace. It's a big ass lace. Yeah.

You can get those at Hy-Vee, actually. A Wally's Zerbiak shoelace. The Wally's Zerbiak special. Go to the New York Style Deli, they got them. Zerbiak, dude. David, time for your second pick. So Go to the New York Style Deli. They got them. Zerbiak, dude. David, time for your second pick.

So here's who I'm with. I'm at the top of the world. Yeah. Can't pick RZA. Wet. Wet. Wet. Top of the world.

Wet work. Looking out. You know who's with me? Minnesota's own Morris Day. Morris Day? Yeah. Yeah. He seems like he would be great to be in a rooftop pool.

Is he shirtless as well, or does he wearing a velvet suit in the pool? Oh, yeah, he's shirtless. But you don't know if suits. What? What are you guys wearing? Naked or suits. Naked or suits. I don't want to weigh in.

Jack suits? No, I'm just wearing shorts. I'm wearing... I kind of feel like you should be naked. Yeah, I'd be naked. I mean, can you be naked up there? Yeah, you can. It's your ritz, man.

You do it every month. Oh, it is my ritz. Yeah, it's a rooftop ritz. Yeah, we're naked. And I'm excited because you don't know if Morris Day is wet from the pool or from his jerry like you don't know that's a good point you just know he's shining

you just know it I'm shining he's shining and you don't know and it's not for you to know it's not for you to know do you think there's like an oil slick around Morris Day from the pool I think it's like it's like rainbows in the pool like do you know when it like changes Morris Day from the jail? I think it's like rainbows in the pool. You get it from the rainbows?

You know when it changes, like it's prisming off his jerrycruisers? So it looks like we're inside a rainbow, which is exciting for me. That's beautiful, yeah. Yeah, I think it'd be pretty good. Morris Day, perfect. All right, so time for me to pick my second and third picks. So I'm going to pick the music. And for the music, I'm going to take a Klezmer band playing Hava Nagila.

I don't know what you're saying. Yeah. Klezmer is like kind of Jewish folksy music. It's a lot of violins, some accordions, a lot of like deep voiced men being like, Hava Nagila, Hila. That makes sense. You know, but like six of them. So they're going to be singing, too. And then it picks up and there's a flute in there,

but like a very Jew-y flute. Whenever I think about Jew flutes, I think about Jew flutes, dude. Jew flutes sounds racist. Is that not a... No, I don't know the rules here. It just sounds like pick a Jew flute. That's a band in Portland. Yeah, the Jew flutes.

You almost fought the Jew Flutes up in Seattle. Yeah, dude. Shit got real. Jew Flutes don't fuck around. I was going to say, I think about the flute in that Star Wars band. Star Wars bar? Yeah, the bar. Yeah, the Mission Cantina.

It's going to sound like that. Mission Kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. I used to know that band's name. I've fallen off on my Star Wars band. It's in the cantina, right? Yeah. They're in a cantina. That's right. All right. Yeah. Oh, that's good. I used to know that band's name. I've fallen off on my start. It's in a cantina, right? Yeah.

They're in a cantina. That's right. Yeah. So Havnagila by Klezmer Band. I'll buy that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And where I'm eating this sandwich is going to be the Middleman Jewish Community Center

in Portland, Oregon. Oh, my God. Damn. In, in, in, I'm going to take 1991. Oh no.

If we can go back in time. So it's 1991 and I'm sitting there. It's in the cafe. Are you wearing an Axie wash overalls? Are you just telling us something that really happened?

Yeah, this feels like a biography. An autobiographical. 1991, the Middleman Jewish Community Center where the Portland Trailblazers used to practice back when they used to practice there

and I went to preschool there so I'm sitting up in the cafe you went to preschool where the Blazers practiced yeah man it's a small town big city

it's in the blood are you guys watching Yentl while you're eating it it's playing it's playing with the sound off though like sometimes Scarface at a rapper's house

just like 24-7 goes like Yent, fiddler on the roof. Yentl, fiddler on the roof. Yentl, fiddler on the roof. School ties. School ties. Ate crazy. Cowards!

School ties. It's just a repeat of Brendan Fraser yelling cowards as you're eating it, wanting you to finish the sandwich. Cowards! It's like a Rocky Horror Picture Show where everyone yells cowards together. Yeah, so we're in the Middleman Jewish Community Center. David, time for your third pick.

Wow, okay. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm up there with Morris Day. We're naked. We're in the rainbow shining. It's not time for a heavy sandwich. No. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I got to keep it light. This is not the end of the night. Yeah, this is not the end of the night. This is how the heavy sandwich. No. You know what I mean? I gotta keep it light. This is not the end of the night. Yeah, this is not the end of the night. This is how the night started. We parachuted in. You know what I mean? So, we're eating... Naked, though. Naked. Oh, yeah.

But not from far. It wasn't a... It was as much as we hopped out the helicopter. I like to think you had a parachute and your dick had a smaller parachute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it up. keep it up. Keep it up. Just a tiny little.

It's just to keep it up, like out and up. It still has the little pulls on it. Your dick has a paragliding one and you have a regular. But my balls just left to the wind. Absolutely. Well, it's a squirrel suit. Yeah. Man, I got a visual.

I'll tell you. You can see the whole thing. We got eyes on it. Yeah, so, yeah, we're hungry, but we're not, like, we're going out. We're going to hit the town. Say a word. We're eating Caprese salad sandwiches. Oh! Really?

Because I think that's just, like, I like eating it when the sun goes down. Yeah. As the sun's going down. Interesting. Yeah, it's great. I love a Caprese salad. I hate tomatoes and I like a caprese. What is there? Am I meat in a caprese salad sandwich? No. It might be a

mozzarella. Mozzarella and tomato. Oregano. Ian, now you're Italian? What the fuck? That's right. Any ethnicity covered in hair. Any furry version of humanity. Any furry little

Southern European. Hey, what's wrong? You can put prosciutto on it, though. You can put prosciutto on it as well. It will cost extra. I'm with Morris Day. You don't think I have an extra $1.50? Hong Kong Trade Center?

I feel like a third Mason Margella bag came. I just parachuted in. My dick had a parachute. You don't think I can pay the two? I'm good for it. I believe you got it. I'm an ambassador. Caprese salad sandwich.

Caprese salad sandwich. Hell yeah. Nick, time for your third pick. Shaggy Thanksgiving sandwich. Thanksgiving sandwich with Shaggy. And we're listening on repeat to the song clocks by coldplay just on repeat everything makes sense everything makes sense while we're eating that that song

brings together mind and body you have no choice but to be present while that song is playing yeah that you were trapped in that moment while Clocks is playing. Yeah. But you don't know if it's real or if you're in a dream state. Yeah, or like a montage in a movie where someone realizes, oh, maybe we shouldn't have broken up. Yeah. Maybe we did something wrong, but maybe we did something right. Shit, actually, here's $100.

Turn around and take me back to the cab driver. Wait, I'm just going to add where I'm eating it now. Okay. Just to add on to that because we're just to save time. Oh, we're just to save, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's knock them out.

I'm eating it in the fucking wardrobe from Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Whoa! Yes. Damn, that's good. That's really good.

So now I can go fucking either way. It depends how that sandwich finishes. I can go to the fucking Narnia or I can go back to fucking Rick's house or wherever they were.

Pre-World War I. Rick's house. I don't even know where the fuck they were, man. Shit. But you're in there and you're like amongst the jackets still. And you and Shaggy are like crouched in this wardrobe.

Yeah, so Shaggy feels at home because it could be haunted. Yeah. He doesn't know where we are. What happens if Tumnus busts in and tries to like fucking... Look at you in the wardrobe. I gotta leave the wardrobe.

Okay, he can't... Tumnus can't come through the... That's right. Tumnus the big lion? No. The shady little deer man. Yeah, he's the, Tumnus can't come through the, that's right. Tumnus the big lion? No, he has the shady little deer man. Yeah, he's the little goat boy, yeah. With the pan flute and the schemes.

He's the Jew. He's the Jew in the lion. That Jew flute over there. He does have a Jew flute. Sean, just knock out your third and fourth picks. Okay. My third pick is the song

I'm gonna be listening to Summer Madness by Kool and the Gang oh that song that song they sample in summertime I think but it's

it's hard to do but it's like it's in Baby Boy it's in the start of Baby Boy that song sure you know what I'm talking about I feel like Rizzo would appreciate that

I think he'd love it that's a fucking amazing song sets the mood I'm chilling yeah I'm in about? I feel like RZA would appreciate that. I think he'd love it. Yeah. It's a fucking amazing song. Sets the mood. I'm chilling. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in a real good mood. What if he doesn't like it?

Then what do you do? Then we're bummed. Yeah. Then we're bummed. Because he's going to, I feel like he'd bring it up. He would. Yeah. If he didn't like it, he would be very opinionated.

You know, if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room, man. You want to hit me with this corner gang shit? Oh, RZA. You want to hit me with this corner gang shit? RZA's here. Fucking ridiculous. Ridiculous. Like, I haven't been listening to...

It's very... It is a very thin line between me doing a good RZA and just me trying to... Like, doing a black voice. I want to see you ride the line. I want to. I want to see you ride the line. Turn it off.

I don't like this Kool and the Gang song. I haven't been listening to Kool and the Gang. I don't think this is going as good as it is. It's not going as good as it is it's not going as good as you think it's gonna end my career we have to go to church

after this Ian Carmel is cancelled Twitter just shut down Paul Paul Ian Carmel is cancelled you as a human are cancelled I'm just gone

I'm gone I start fading out like Back to the Future like the end of The Avengers you just look at your arm guys you know Not even the show. I start fading out like Back to the Future. Oh, man. Like the end of The Avengers. You just look at your arm. Oh, guys. All right.

And where we're at. Okay. We're at the Badlands and the Northern Lights are happening. That's my review. That's my review of that. There's other places. How strong are the Northern Lights when you're in the Badlands? I've seen them once. He's in the Dakotas, though. I've seen them once and they're amazing. In the Badlands. Just somewhere in the Badlands? I've seen them once. He's in the Dakotas, though.

I've seen them once, and they're amazing. In the Dakotas? In the Badlands, just somewhere in the Badlands. Badlands is beautiful, right? It could be in North Dakota. Or Montana. I think they go into Montana a little bit. Boy, oh boy.

Hey! All right. I made my choice. Yeah, all right. This is what you wanted to do. Are you going to Montana a little bit? Cool. Yeah, I think so.

Is the cop still there in Montana? Wyoming? He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, we took care of that You know why I pulled you over? Yeah, that guy. Look at those.

He's doing you a favor, huh? Stop seeing and look at the Northern Lights. See that in the sky? Okay, well, kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me right now.

Kiss me on the Northern Lights. I'm Aurora Bordialis out here. It's not, you know, Saturday. There, what are you, professional?

Your career's back on. You're uncanceled. I'm back on. I'm back on. I'm going to get that Emmy. Nick, you made your fourth pick. David, make your fourth pick real quick.

Oh, the song? Yeah. Or the X Factor? Song. We're just going to do four. Oh, okay. Damn it. Okay.

I'm listening to Broccoli by Lil Yachty and the Tramp. Oh, yeah. I think that Morris Day would love that song. Yes, he would. What if he didn't? Again. Again, what if he didn't? Wow. You're rolling the dice. I think that Morris Day would love that song with me naked again what if he didn't when you gotta walk your cheetah print ass downstairs

Morris Day what the fuck are you gonna do to me I'm at the top of the world with caprese salad sandwiches I don't really care what you like put your clothes back on and walk out of here I have a reservation at the hotel you do why don't you take my dick parachute and jump off the side of this building, you fucking asshole?

Just push him off the infinity side. Yeah, man. I set up this for you. You don't like it? Yeah. You can fucking take a long walk. Looks like the clock stopped, Morris. Yeah, you motherfucker.

Prince was better. How about that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're laughing on a Morris Day. He didn't even do it. He's like, I invited him up here just to yell at him? Just to turn on him on the fucking drop of a hat. It's a hypothetical situation. He's like, I invited him up here just to yell at him? Just to turn on him

on the fucking drop of a hat. It's a hypothetical situation. Nick's poisoning the well, man. Yeah, it was a short-lived friendship. Time for my person who I'm eating it with. So I'll be having a Jewish bagel sandwich

listening to Here we go. by a Klezmer band. I'm at the Middleman Jewish Community Center which is full of only Jews and NBA basketball players and I'm eating it with Hitler.

Jesus. Yeah. You're just putting him through it. I'm making him deal with it. I'm sitting there with Hitler. Did Hitler hate basketball players? No, but he hated black people. Oh, okay.

We are a lot of basketball players. There's a lot of the 91. Although now it's getting very European. It wasn't at the time. Yeah. Maybe we had Drazen Petrovic. Wasn't it very Jewish? Well,

the person who owned the Blazers was Jewish. The point is, Hitler has to sit there, eat a fucking bagel and lox sandwich in, listening to Havana Gila,

in a Jewish community center in Oregon, which is not a very Jewish place, but big enough for a whole community center. And then he has to see like millionaire black guys walk by

and millionaire Jews and just fucking deal with it. Yeah, the dicks are out in this situation. Kevin Duckworth's dick is just hanging out. Yeah, so Hitler's there.

You don't only run faster than you. What if he fucking didn't hate it? What if he loved it? And he fucking took his sandwich and went and dunked it

and broke the rim. Whoa! Dude, I'd be so pissed if Hitler could dunk. Oh, if Hitler could off. That'd be such a bummer. He dunks his sandwich, dude. Damn. Rim broken. Then you gotta kill him.

You do have to kill him at that point. You gotta kill him. You brought him there. You have to wrestle him and then in the shattered glass underneath it. For everyone, really.

But, Havan Aguila's playing, which is my fucking pump-up song. Yeah, that takes me to 10. That's also your Fight Club song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, which is my fucking pump up song. No matter what happens. Yeah, that takes me to 10. That's also your Fight Club song? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Or like in that movie, Snatch? Right. I almost said Brett Favre. Brett Favre? Brad Pitt? Brad Favre is fighting

the Panky? No, Brad Pitt's fighting to that Oasis song, Fuckin' in the Bushes. Yeah. Can I say that's the most beautiful Brad Pitt's

ever been is in Snatch? Damn, dude. He looks amazing. When he kicked that dude he had the D'Angelo's and like seriously

he looks and they didn't want him for that part he had to like fight for it and earn it really yeah because his his accent

they were like no he was like the director what's his name said he wasn't right for it Guy Ritchie yeah

and Brad Pitt that's what I heard that he had to like that's fucking crazy like really like campaign for him be like dude he's like I don't want a big name for this part can you imagine being like. And Brad Pitt, that's what I heard. That he had to like. That's fucking crazy. Like really like campaign for him. Be like, dude, he's like, I don't want a big name for this part.

Can you imagine being like, no, thanks, Brad Pitt. When he knocks that guy out and then he just reloads his arms and he kind of leans back in his stomach. You're just like, people can look like that. It's astonishing. Nick's going to look like that at the end of this fucking detox. I'll look like that in like an hour. Yeah. Somehow it's going to kick in hard.

Well, we got to get you out of here. Auburn's about to play. The game is starting, but I'll leave you with one quick side note. Yes. I've only been kind of like

intimidated in Starstruck one time. Yeah. And, oh, a couple times. Athletes, I always get really like

fan out. Me too. I did that with Brad Pitt when I met Brad Pitt. Really? I've only met him once. Where'd you meet Brad Pitt? At his house.

What'd he smell like? He just, He didn't even smell, dude. It was like a fucking hologram. He just smelled like fucking Narnia. That'd be amazing. But yeah, he was breaking up with Jennifer Aniston at the time. This was like a long time ago. And David Spade had brought me to

his house, and I didn't know anybody at the time. I knew like, you know, Sandler and a couple guys. So I show up and we're in Brad Pitt's kitchen, and it's me and Adam Sandler and Chris Rock and Spade and Brad and so I'm just quietly watching this conversation and Brad Pitt's talking about his breakup with Jennifer Aniston and Adam's like hey man are you doing okay Brad's like oh man it's not easy I love her so much and you know I just I've been drinking a lot of whiskey and just trying to fucking go through it I'm throwing her one last birthday party here at our house and he's just in this deep conversation and I'm just staring

at this guy and he stops his conversation and he looks at me and he goes, I'm sorry, what's your name? And I go, Hey, my name's Nick. And he goes, hi, Nick. I'm so sorry. That was really rude of me. My name is Brad. This is my home. He goes, welcome. He goes, help yourself to anything in the kitchen or whatever you want, man. So I should have introduced myself. And I was like, you're totally good, man. You're just, you know. You got sad Brad Pitt. And he was like, oh, cool, man.

And he just goes back to his story. And I was just like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Glocks, dude. That's one of my fair moments. That's a beautiful moment. What a sweetheart. You know where he's from? Fucking Midwest. Where is he from? Missouri. Oh, yeah, Missouri. Is he from St. Louis or is he from like the thick of it? I think St. Louis-ish, but I know he's not born in St. Louis proper.

Yeah. Midwest, dude. You know what the Midwest is? Young and restless. Yeah, yeah, that's what I heard. You know what Portland, Oregon is? What? Split about 50-50 on Fred Armisen.

That wraps up the perfect sandwich situation draft. Thank you, Nick, for joining us. That was fun. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to all of us. Just to recap, I did bagel sandwich while listening to Havana Gila at the Middleman Jewish Community Center with Adolf Hitler. David, you were at the Ritz- Community Center with Adolf Hitler. David, you were at the Ritz-Carlton Hong Kong with Morris Day eating Caprese salad sandwich

listening to Broccoli by Lil Yachty and Dram. Nick, you were with Shaggy from Scooby-Doo eating a Thanksgiving sandwich listening to Clocks by Coldplay in the wardrobe from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. This is the best part. Sean, you were with RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan eating a Cuban sandwich with volcano sauce,

listening to Summer Madness by Kool and the Gang out there in the Badlands, plucking the Northern Lights. Can I just say before we go, my ex-factor was going to be the post-finals WNBA afterparty. Wow. In Hong Kong. Yeah. That's fucking tight. Yeah, it would have been nuts. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Because all the old school would have been there. Rebecca Lobo would fucking tight yeah it would have been nuts

oh that's amazing yeah cause like all the old school would have been there Rebecca Lobo would have been like it would have been great yeah yeah yeah mine is Vin Diesel

but from that movie where he had the Jewish stars tattooed on his shoulders he was just in the back doing a shoulder press wait which movie was that it was one of them knock around guys

oh oh here's the thing about getting into 200 street fights yeah yeah yeah yeah thank you for listening you know how we always end these episodes

we gotta end it right now so just shout out to Frankie Ocean shout out to Haji B shout out to Sid the Dude shout out to Say Sue Carmel shout out to the AFU subreddit shout out to Patreon

shout out to fucking everybody dude and more important than all of that tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Chick-fil-A!

Bam. That was a HeadGum Podcast.