All Fantasy Everything - Things from Sports That You Wanna Do (w/ Cy Amundson, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: October 25, 2018

This episode was recorded live at The 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival in Minneapolis, Minnesota.Support the show!Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodEpisode Guest:Cy Amundson @cyamundson IG: @cyamundsonFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the live all fantasy everything here at the 10,000 Laughs Comedy Festival in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh yeah. We are so happy to be here with you today in what Sean described as what, your fifth favorite city? What is this? Most favorite. Oh, his most favorite city. Now, I'd love to just go on alone for the next hour and a half, but I do have some friends here with me today. You know them as at Sean S. Jordan

on Twitter, Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on the gram. Give it up for Sean Jordan, ladies and gentlemen. Minneapolis, what the fuck is going on, huh? Don't worry about it. I'm a professional skateboarder now. It finally happened.

What do you got there, Sean? I have a pro model professional skateboard somebody made for me. Thank you so much. What do you got there, Sean? I have a pro model professional skateboard somebody made for me. Thank you so much. What's your name? Chris. Chris. Hell yeah, Chris.

Thank you, dog. Chris. Topher.D.C on Instagram. True story. Unknown on Twitter. Look at these handsome devils. Everybody listening. Isn't that crazy? Seriously, dude. Thank you so much. Look at that handsome devils. Everybody listening. Isn't that crazy?

Seriously, dude. Thank you so much. Look at that fucking mustache. A la Robusto. Look at how tough Ian looks. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. Oh, my God.

I look like a new character they're going to introduce on This Is Us next season, you know? Like if Zangief on Street Fighter went to a wedding. Yeah, dude. Dad Zangief. Fighter went to a wedding. Yeah. Dad Zangief.

He went to a wedding, but it was one of those weddings where before you have money where you're like, I'm going to wear khakis and a sweater. I hope that's okay. It'll pass. Yeah. You got like your nice new balance. Those stepdad 12s, you're like, yeah,

but they're brand new from Sears. But they do though. Pretty scuffed. Folks, it's not just Sean Jordan. I know that'd be enough, Diana. But there are... Sweetheart, this guy. There are more of us here.

We have some more friends. You know him as the G is silent on Twitter. Or coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. David Borey, ladies and gentlemen. on Instagram. David Borey, ladies and gentlemen. Look at all those beers on that table. Don't you fucking worry about me.

You guys see all the beers on that table. Well, some of them are for you, but you sat all the way over there. What are you doing? Spreading it around. Afrakis. Dog, how Afraid of some fracas. Was that what? I'm afraid of fracas. I'm afraid of all these beers.

Dog, how are you? I'm good. Yeah. I just, you said that. Remember when we both auditioned to be on This Is Us? Yeah. We were going to be the fat boyfriend. We were going to be the fat boyfriend.

I since heard that that guy's just wearing a fat suit, and it makes me so mad. Oh, yeah. I know. It makes me so mad. He know. It makes me so mad. He's doing fat face. Really? He's doing fat face. He's got a six here and everything.

What's gout like? Fucking. Prick. He's never sweated the bus for this. No. Fucking loser. You call him a loser because he hasn't been on the bus.

Feel good about shaming me, Sean. Right. No, no, I'm good. Feel good about yourself in front of my friends. He doesn't wear more layers in the summer so you can't see how bad he's sweating. He didn't. I lost. I'm comfortable with my body.

Just a motherfucker. Yeah. It was the worst audition I've ever had. I walked out in shame. I thought I killed it. I was like, David Bowie, you charming bastard. You're going to be on television. God, what if you were on This Is Us, dude?

That would be crazy. That would be insane. Yeah, because I smoke so much weed in public. Yeah. I feel like I would be bad PR for that. Stars. They're just like us. Yeah, because I smoke so much weed in public. I feel like I would be bad PR for that. Stars, they're just like us. The chief out of an apple bog on the bus.

Toby from This Is Us found drunken in Applebee's in Wisconsin. There he is. Next season. Toby from This Is Us eats, falls asleep on pizza. Toby from This Is Us buys entire Jack in the Box 90 cent titles. I want a ball out of Jack in the Box so bad. The paparazzi would have caught you eating the half out of that burrito.

Just the bite out of the middle. Who did that? I think it was David. I knew it was probably David. Just ate it like you were typing. I got excited, man. Now, it's not just the three of us. The Good Vibes gang is here.

We want to thank you so much for coming, by the way. Thank you so much. So dope. Thank you, guys. Everybody, this is fantastic. Well, Sean Jordan positivity? Yeah. Well, I mean, do we want... Yeah? Go ahead.

Yesterday, we were just sitting there, and out of nowhere, I was just like, fuck, I'm in a good mood. We were in Fifth Element, where I bought this Rhymesayers t-shirt that I'm wearing in front of everybody, and here we go with two professional model skateboards that I have. I just... It couldn't be a tighter fucking city. It couldn't be a better

time. Everybody's here to watch this show. We get to do it. We're all thrilled. I just can't. Come on. This is dope, right? Yeah! Now we are in either the tightest or one of the 15 tightest cities, depending on which one of us you ask. Portland, Oregon, top of the food chain.

The champions are born. Shout out to Elizabeth, Colorado. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Yeah, fuck yeah. We are joined today the fourth pride of Minneapolis, right? That's what I hear. One of the prides of Minneapolis. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

Cy Amundsen. Make some noise. Yeah. Old Captain America brought his water bottle up on stage. He's trying to balance David out. Listen, these aren't all my beers. They might end up being, but not intentionally. David's apricot waters he's got over there.

Yeah, it is. Apple juice, apple juice, apple juice. Red delicious apple juice. Everybody tell him that's the worst apple there is. I'm not backing down. I'm not backing down. You guys are the worst apple. You're fucking insane. They're delicious and wash that shit down. It just grows out of the tree. They're good. They're good the worst apple. You're fucking insane. They're delicious in water. That shit grows out of the tree.

They're good. They're good. With cellophane on it. It tastes good. With cellophane. It grows with the cellophane on it so they can put it right in the Motel 6. I like it when you dip them in caramel.

David. That's a bad rubric for an apple. Anything is good dipped in caramel. Pepperoni? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. That's true. Nothing that almost killed Snow White is a good treat.

That's Red Delicious propaganda. Everybody knows. Everybody knows it was a Granny Smith. That's fucking the Disney Corporation painting shit red. They Pocahontas that app. Will you do me a favor and introduce yourself to somebody as Red Delicious Propaganda

tonight? Hey, my name's Red Delicious Propaganda. I'd love to buy you a drink. Yeah, and I'm your Uber driver. They painted the apple... We're just walking up to them on the street.

No car in sight. They painted the apple red to make us afraid of communism. That's what you're saying? Yeah, that's exactly. Si, what's up, dog? I'm just taking all of that in. I'm excited to be here.

I thought it was important to have somebody else who looked exactly like Sean on the stage. Two humans who look the same. That's always a help. You look like you guys would be tossing a football around in a Wrangler commercial. Just being like, when do you want to go to Kmart later? Is it crazy to say, Sean looks like bad Psy. Yeah.

Like evil Psy? Yeah. Like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3 when he got edgy. Oh, yeah. You're edgy Psy. Or like Dark Vince in Entourage. Dark Vince. Dark Vince for sure.

Dark Vince. Like, yeah, I brought the new girl to where my old girlfriend works. You want to do the... A little prayer to start the show. Yeah, do it. Everybody, please. Everybody, please silence for a second. Everybody was already quiet.

Entourage, Ballers, Succession and Billions, may the rock be with you. And also with you. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. Now we can begin. Fine television programs.

Although Ballers this season. They really blew it. What the fuck? You watch Ballers? I was going to ask, did you watch Ballers? I haven't seen this season of Ballers. It's weird.

Nobody has. It sucks. We watched it. They're not even balling anymore. They're not balling at all. They're doing some new shit. The show should be called Struggles. They're really trying to make

Rob Corddry super cool. I think Rob Corddry's cool, by the way. That dude rules. I'm not saying he doesn't, but it's an odd move for that show. They're trying to make The Rock look like not a good guy, and I'm not here for that. He's a good guy. Have you seen

the show Wrecked? No. Rob Corddry plays his character from Ballers on the show Wrecked in somebody's fantasy. Really? That's how big Rob Corddry's getting in that role. I like that. I like that.

I only want to play myself. We brought some presents. Seriously. Because you are the people who bought tickets to the... We've added a second show, but y'all got the tickets to the first show. Because you are the people who bought tickets to the... We've added a second show. But y'all got the tickets to the first show. You guys are the real heads. You jumped on it quick.

This is the real all fucking family everything here. We're going to say that to the next show too. But we mean it for this one. But we didn't buy them any shirts. So we actually got some fucking... Some gifts to give away. Because we stopped by this... What is it called?

Sebastian Joe's. Yeah. On the way over. And we always like to give ourselves nicknames. Yeah. So we bought t-shirts with what we think our nickname should be. Oh, God damn it. That is yours.

So this t-shirt right here says Minneapolis Vanilla, which I would love my nickname to be. Dog. Everybody. We taking them out? Yeah. I'm over here just telling you what it says. All right. How about I show you?

We're going to pass them out. So mine, of course. Salty caramel. Because I am caramel. I get salty sometimes. You get salty? I get a little angry. I've seen you in a car.

In between trips to the gym and getting nominated for Emmys, I get salty every now and then. You're going there every goddamn day. Every goddamn day. It's got to be tricky to not get salty sometimes. For God's sake. Every day, this guy. Fucking can't get

the guy wearing death to all child molester shirt on the bench press. I can't even get on there. That's more Zach's story than my story. We saw a guy at the Glendale

24 hour fitness who had a shirt that said death to all what was it? It was murder murder all child molester.

Yeah. And you're like he's not wrong. I mean, yeah. He's right. It's just like a weird thing to feel like you had to put on a t-shirt. It's a severe shirt. Yeah, like, we all feel that way, bro.

Yeah. And what if somebody walked up to him like, well, hold on now. Now, wait a minute. Yeah, does he think that's like a fight starter? Yeah. Like, I'm a badass in my controversial t-shirt. It's like wearing a shirt

that says she should come too and you're like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they were clanging and banging at the Iron Church all day. They were clanging and banging.

They were clanging and banging. That's true, that's true. But The Rock calls the gym. The Iron Church has a... So this is salty caramel. It's a men's XL but because, I mean,

I don't know. We quickly realized they didn't have me and Ian's size. Yeah, yeah. But they had shirts. It became evident. A place that sells that much ice cream

should... It goes hand in hand. Come on. A bunch of fucking Zach Toscani's in there eating ice cream? I don't think so. I don't think so. So to thank you for coming,

I'm just going to indiscriminately throw this fucking shirt out that way. Oh, no! Whoa! What the fuck? It's got to stay there. It has to stay there.

That's the funniest thing that could have happened. For everybody listening, the shirt that Ian just threw turned into Latrell's swing leg. Holy shit! So, after I got that shirt stuck on a pipe, by the way, for the listeners at home, I threw the shirt out to the audience.

It wrapped itself around a pipe. I would say seductively. And there it still hangs. And if super producer Marissa was here, then you would immediately hear... Anyway, that's what I wanted to happen, but I didn't. So, much like the sword and the stone, whoever can free the salty caramel shirt

from that pipe gets to take it home. Stand up and grab it, I bet. Oh, no! Congratulations on your new shirt. Yeah! Alright, you guys want to throw yours out too? Mine says Pavarotti because I'm hefty

and have a beautiful voice. Yeah. Mine says Nicolette Ave Pothole because I'm falling apart. Nicolette! Nicolette! Mine says Minneapolis Vanilla

because that's just hilarious. That's exactly what you are. And then, kaboom! There we go. All right. You do not seem excited against that shirt. You were like,

fucking laundry. I know. I guess. Jesus. Another shirt. For Christ's sake. She owns the competing ice cream store.

Is it Cold Stone? Do you own Cold Stone? Nice. She does own Cold Stone. For the listeners at home, she said yes. I love Cold Stone. It's like Chipotle for ice cream. I like how they massage it.

You know what I mean? It's like, oh, that's nice. Yeah, I like it. It's like Kobe ice cream, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's massaged. Kobe the Beef. Oh.

Not the alleged rapist. I know. What are we drafting? Oh, that's a great question. Now, we are not gathered here in beautiful Sisyphus Brewing in scenic downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota. Just a three and a half hour flight from Skid Row. Just a...

Just watching Ocean's 8 and then taking a big nap from Skid Row. Just me getting drunk on the plane watching skate videos, tapping people next to me like they give a shit about the video. Dude, look at Colin Provost, how he hard flipped over that whole fence.

Were you drinking red wine again, you freak? Huh? Were you drinking red wine on the plane? David? No. Oh, oh, fuck freak? Huh? Were you drinking red wine on the plane? David? No. Oh, oh, fuck me? Every day with this guy. He drank red wine and then puked on the street.

Remember? It hit the back of my leg. I'm an asshole. I did. I barfed, I believe. You barfed? Bad. When we did South by Southwest,

Sean Jordan decided to drink a bunch of red wine on the flight over. Like a weirdo. Yeah, that's not acceptable. Up in the air drinking hot red wine. He doesn't even drink red wine. I have wine in the house. He doesn't even look at it. I've never seen him drink wine on the air.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm not cultured. I have a disease. I'm a sick man. It's not my fault. But when you were up in the air you're like, I'm a fancy sophisticate now. Anyway, we're walking down 6th Street like three Clydesdales. I mean, barreling. And this fucking schmendrick barfs all over the street.

You hear that like, and then that wet slap of barf. You know that wet slap? And I tried to keep it down. Like somebody's patting a sea lion? Like that kind of... It did sound like someone just took a bunch of water and threw it at the ground. And I tried to keep it down, and David's like, yo! A little bit of it hit him.

I caught shrapnel on my calf. Oh, wait, it hit you. Yeah, it hit me. It hit both of you? It got close, man, and I had breast kicks on. I threw up on everyone. It hit me on my calf. Me, bro.

Me, bro. You, bro. Me, bro. We have to draft or else we're going to be here all day. We are gathered here today. Incentivist, Broly. Sins of Fist. To draft things from sports that you want to do.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't get to see the faces ever of when the topic is dropped. That was fun. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Oh, is everybody just going like, all right.

No. It was tight. Okay Alright See what they do Alright I'm not convinced but let's see Go on Alright Si you're a sportsman I too like sports Sean likes Christ Air 900s

Me and Christian Hosoi And David's a sportsman as well. We always play the ponies. We picked this. It's a sports themed one, but you don't have to know anything about sports. We're not going to be like Malik Sealy or whatever. Local reference?

Sad local reference. All right. One of my favorite random rap shout outs is at the beginning of that, you know, what's that rap song like that? Talk boats. You know that song? You know that song though?

No, I just want you to keep doing it. I'm not mad about it. You talk it, we live it. It was a rap song. And remember back on like you'd download shit on Napster and sometimes it would have weird drops in front of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was that Desert Storm.

Jamaica! Yeah. It was the Desert Storm. Oh, Desert Storm. It was DJ Clue. It was DJ Clue. So he was like, Desert Storm, rest in peace Malik Sealy. I was like, all right, yeah. Who the fuck is Malik Sealy. I was like, all right, yeah.

Who the fuck is Malik Sealy? He was an NBA basketball player who was black. Oh, this is your favorite city? This is your favorite city? Chuck Knobloch. Huh? Okay. I can make up shit, too.

Fran Tarkenton. You didn't even pick. Kirby Pocket, yeah. Herschel Walker, Warren Moon. Randolph Fox. Is Herschel Walker the goal line stalker. Yeah. Herschel Walker, Warren Moon. Randolph Fox. Is Herschel Walker the goal line stalker from Minnesota? Herschel Walker the goal line stalker? No.

Herschel Walker was the running back. He was on the Vikings, though. He was on the Cowboys. Herschel Walker was on the Vikings for a minute, wasn't he? He's like the worst trade in sports. Yeah, that's how the Cowboys got so good, right? They drafted a bunch of offensive linemen with those picks. Yeah, and I think Troy Aikman

and like everybody. Yeah, that's when they got Michael Irvin. I read Boys Will Be Boys. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dog. I got lost. The boys out here

reading books. It's in the house. Read a fucking book that isn't the dirt, bro. The dirt! I don't read books. Can I say, by the way, Sean was like

straight up in the dirt mode last night. We were waiting for the bathroom and he just kept popping balloons for no reason. And then I straight up in the dirt mode last night. We were waiting for the bathroom, and he just kept popping balloons for no reason. And then I was like, the dirt! There was a reason.

There was no reason. None of us are going to know, but there was a reason. There's not a reason. You don't want anyone to do whippets. You were afraid that some of us... Well, because I want to do all the whippets. Whippets? I've never done a whippet. I've never done it.

I'm not doing a fucking whippet. That's a weird thing that I've never done. I've done enough whippets for the whole table. Whippets for the table. I get weird. Three orange whippet, orange whippet, orange whippet. Three orange whippets. Whippets for the table.

It's from the Blues Brothers, that joke. Sort of. We got a draft, dude. Yeah. We're gathering in a draft. things from sports we want to do. Or something. We'll figure out what the name is later, but you get it. It's accessible for everyone.

You don't have to know about sports to get this. Now, to determine the order of the draft, we will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. That we will. Play between the three of you, and we go on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins. Good damn go on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins.

Good damn right I win. God damn right. Now, it's been a drought. It's been a drought for me winning. It has been a drought. Before you pick the order of the draft, I would love to remind you. I really would love to remind you. What type of draft is it?

Serpentine draft. And what does that mean? That's an excellent question. Yeah. You won the draft, but I have a pro model skateboard over here. So we're just derailing the whole format of the show for you to flex on me now? Talk about a serpentine draft, dude. Do your job.

We came here to do one thing, and you're not doing it. Let's say that you were at Liquor Lyle's yesterday for twofers. And they bring you two Pabst Blue ribbons in a bottle. And you grab one with your right hand, you take a drink, and then you're like, man, I wonder what that other one's going to taste like. And so you grab it with your left hand, you take a drink. And you're like, man, the right-handed one was pretty good.

But before you go back to the right hand, you take another drink with your left hand. And you're like, man, I bet you the right-handed one's going to taste sort of the same as the left-handed one. Then you take a drink of the right-handed one, and you're like, that left-handed one, though, huh? That liquor Lyle's life. So it's, yeah, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. So anyways, the order. Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Is that a Winnipeg Jets or Quebec Nordiques? What is it? Nordiques. Yeah, dude. Quebec Nordiques? What is it? Nordiques. Yeah, dude. Quebec Nordiques.

No way, pal. I'm an Avalanche fan. Avalanche. But shout out to the... I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. 303, mile high till I die, baby. Let's go, Red Wings. Nobody joined in.

I'll join in. Say it again. Say it again. Say it again. I got your back. That's because the Wedwings are a bullshit institution. Detroit. ICP. I'm from where I'm from, dog.

The Portland Winterhawks, minor league hockey team. I believe the Sioux Falls Storm Stampede. I knew that. I knew that. Yeah, shout out to the Tacoma Thunderbirds if we're doing it. Wow, yeah. Medicine Hat. Moose Jaw.

The order, though, is me first. I'm just going down the line. You motherfucker. Okay. Because fuck Sean. I know you like to play the hot corner. I like the hot corner, but I'll go second. I don't care.

Did David just say fuck Sean? Yeah, fuck Sean. I said it. I said it to your face. All right. I'm going to start with the first pick in the live at the 10,000 Last Comedy Festival in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Yeah. Shit in sports we wish we could do.

All fantasy, everything draft. David Porter, you were on the clock with the first pick. This is fucked up because I didn't realize there's so many things I want to pick first. I know. You should have given yourself the hot corner. I should have given myself the hot corner. So this is me doing it personally like now. Me, bro.

You, dog. There's one that I want, but I'm going to save it because I want to do a triple axel. Yes. Yo, like if I came out and did a triple axel I was just like oh it's Christmas guys let's go skating and then just like that would fuck your whole shit up that would fuck your whole shit up if I saw you do a triple axel I would

barf out my skeleton yeah and then fight my skeleton it would challenge it would challenge your sense of everything right and wrong one of the funnest things just to take someone to like just a park skate like you were saying. Be like, alright, let's go skate a little bit. Then just fucking kaboom

goes the dynamite. There you go. That would be the wildest shit. If I had a tuck, I wanted to do a triple axel tuck, but I don't know. Do they do triple with the tuck? Who do you think you're talking to? Michelle Kwan, Nancy Kerrigan, and Tonya Harding up here. I don't know. It would sound like this, dude.

Like that. And just like that, some kid's life changed. Imagine you're 10 years old at the skating rink, and you see me bust a triple. Your whole shit's crazy. Your whole shit goes different. Your whole life goes different.

If I saw that your whole life goes different. I would get pregnant and the baby inside me would also be pregnant. Yep. We call that a twofer

where I'm from. Got a liquor lio. They don't call it anything. It's not a thing that happens. I know. We got babies and babies

and babies. Anyways, yeah. Triple Axel. That's my first pick. That's fucking tight. that happens. I know. We got babies and babies and babies. Anyways, yeah. Triple Axel, that's my first pick. That's fucking tight. Seriously, that's fantastic. What would your figure skating outfit be and what song? So I've thought about this. It would be like, I want to look like, remember Tom Cruise in Cocktail?

Yes. But like with a vest. You know what I mean? Like when he was standing on the bar doing that like sexy poem. The hippie hippie shake? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be like that. When the whole bar is quiet

so he can do his poem. The bartender's poem. That's crazy. We're like this crazy bar in New York just everyone listens to Tom Cruise say a poem. You did a prayer at the beginning of the show. Yeah, what are you talking about?

I did. May the rock still be with you. And also with you. What would your song be? Ooh. What's that from Caddy's show? I'm all right. Don't nobody worry about me.

Triple. I'm all right. Yeah. Kenny Loggins, bro. Yeah. Mr. Theme song. I would wear Bjork's swan outfit. Uh-huh.

And I'd fucking skate to Idiotech by Radiohead. Now I feel like you're coming right at me. I'm alive. Everything all at a time. Yeah, that band doesn't sound overrated. Skating slow and falling down on the ice falling on the ice

falling on the ice he's too fat to pull this off why is this now happening happening he's Skate sword lace skate sword lace the lace is all breaking

breaking Yeah, one of the best bands of our time. Sword lace, skate sword lace. The lace is all breaking, breaking. Yeah, one of the best bands of our time. I did that all before three o'clock. Woo! Psy outfit and song. He's laughing a little aggressively. Evil Psy is laughing at you. Yeah, of course.

Say it, good Psy. Ooh, I'm going with something hootie is laughing at you. Yeah, of course. Say it, good Si. Ooh. I'm going with something hootie in the blowfish. Yeah, for sure. Oh! I want to see you skate to hold my hand. It was going to be hold my hand, and then I was going to hold my own hand. I'm going to love you the best that I can.

Was there no hootie? There's no dude named... That was just Darius Rucker. There's no hootie without the blowfish. But there's no dude named Hootie? No. He's not the Hootie. Don't call him the Hootie.

Okay. He doesn't like that. I mean, I probably would. Wait, Hootie who? No, his name... Don't you fucking do that to me. Hootie the Blowfish and your outfit? Ooh, I'm going Gold Dust.

You remember Gold Dust? Yeah. Gold Dust. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking... That guy was tight. Gold Dust scared the shit out of me. fit? Ooh, I'm going gold dust. You remember gold dust? Gold dust! Yeah! Yeah! Fucking... That guy was tight. Gold dust scares the shit out of me, but like in a sexy way. I know! Like, I was like, I don't know what's going on,

but this is dope. I was like eight, and even then I was like, yeah, that's what a pedophile would dress like, right? The guy had that figured out early. He just liked fucking! That was his thing, right? He was just gold. He liked fucking. He was sexy.

He blew gold on people. I discovered him and Eddie Izzard at the same time. I've been putting on makeup and wearing my mom's clip-on earrings as a youth. And you're like, this makes sense. And I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. All right, tight. Sean? I'm going to dress like, I think I'm going to dress like Ludacris

in the third Fast and the Furious movie oh okay I thought like in that video where he's got big hands no alright a kid that we came up with dressed like that for Halloween one time

though he had a giant styrofoam shoe anyway I'm skating to Jaquan Tipsy and I'm going to skate like I'm kind of drunk but still doing dang shit yo I got a fake ID though this episode of all fantasy And I'm going to skate like I'm kind of drunk, but still doing dang shit. Yo, I got a fake ID though. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer.

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pick. Yeah, your first pick. Three hours in. We'll give it a moment. No, we're good. We're doing good. This is funny. We're doing great. Everyone's having a good time. I love it. We having a good time? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Whoa! He's got a sign! Whoa! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeah. Whoa. He's got a sign. Whoa. Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes. Dog, bring it up here. Bring it up. Pass her up. Pass her up. Teamwork. Teamwork.

Teamwork. Teamwork makes the dream work. Teamwork makes the dream work. There we go. My mom's calling me. That's your Twitter backdrop, yeah? It's my Twitter backdrop. The first time I saw this picture, I think I was in high school or early college,

and I laughed for 45 minutes. I seriously laughed. For the people at home, it is a guinea pig playing a French horn wearing a top hat on a field of stars. Because it's like, somebody had to do that. This didn't just happen.

No, that was somebody's creative idea. That guinea pig didn't just start doing that. There were phone calls about this. That guy's wife was like, what are you doing tomorrow at work, Jake? And he's like, well. I guess I'm getting divorced. So you know French horns?

Uh-huh. You know guinea pigs? You know guinea pigs? You know top hats? All that. The guinea pigs? You know guinea pigs? You know top hats? All that. The guinea pig doesn't know? The guinea pig doesn't know. It's like, all right.

Wait, he can't play that French horn? No. Fake news, bro. I don't like that picture anymore. To know what that guinea pig is thinking would be the tightest. It's probably thinking about food. Probably. Weird guinea pig food. I love it tightest. It's probably thinking about food. Probably. Weird guinea pig food. I love it

so much. I'm taking slam dunk and basketball. Shit. I was gonna take it, but the triple was right there. I feel like you could've gotten triple axel later, but I don't know. I don't know. You know I don't have good draft order etiquette. Look, baby, it's all good. Maybe it's not the thing I want to do most,

but god damn it, I want to slam dunk a basketball so fucking bad. It looks like it feels so good. You gotta fuck, you know, maybe it's not the thing I want to do most, but God damn it, I want to slam dunk a basketball so fucking bad. It looks like it feels so good. And again, looking like this, I want to do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you talking like from the free throw? Yeah. Oh, that would be so cool.

Has anyone in here ever slammed dunked a basketball? Anyone in this room? My man. This dude in the back, he goes like this. He goes, just barely. If you slam dunked a basketball, scream it. Have you slam dunked a basketball? Yeah.

Fuck. Wait, regulation hoop? I didn't ask if you did passes yesterday for no reason. I have. Dude, I would be slam dunking a basketball right now. Dude, right now. You would just come watch me do dunks. Have you slam dunked a basketball?

I've slam dunked a couple basketballs. Oh, my God. Okay, you've just done the thing? We did one of them. We brought a ringer. Yeah. Well, he's just going to say shit he's done in sports. I slam dunked a basketball.

I played, I was coaching when I was like 21 years old, and I played in a faculty senior game. Nice. And the kids were assholes. Kids are assholes. We were down like 18 points in the fourth quarter and I lost my shit because I'm a psycho. And I brought us all the way back.

This fucking guy. Oh shit. And then I plucked a kid at half court, took it down and I dunked it to give us a one point lead with like 13 seconds left. And then I walked over to a bunch of high school children on the bench and gave them a you choked signal.

Yeah! Heart of a champion. One of the best moments of my life. Yeah, I know. That's awesome. That's a great story. You were the leader of the bloods. Lead by example, dude. Hey, life's a competition story. You were the leader of the bloods. Lead by example, dude. Hey, fuck the competition.

They got to learn. I would rather dunk than be president. You know what I mean? Oh, 100%. If it was like, hey, you'll never have to work another day in your life. Or you can dunk and put in eight hours a day at fucking Subway or whatever. I'd be like, dunk. It's the pinnacle of being a white dude, too.

I know. One of the times I dunked... Nobody cares about white dunks. I don't give a shit. You dunk and someone comes up like, hey, that looks stupid. Fuck you. There was that one. Who was the old boy

who kept his shooting shirt on and did the dunk that one year? Rex Chapman? Was it Rex? No. Brent Berry. Brent Berry? That was cool. That's the thing.

There's like, what, 30 whatever dunk contests? Only one of them had been named Brent. He's the guy that got cut from the Spurs. And it was more cool because he didn't take his warm-ups off. That was why it was so dope. Pants and shirt and shit. A grand total of a count of up zero Jews have even competed. You've never had a Jew in a dunk

contest? No. It feels like I'm the first guy to ever say that sentence. Amari Stoudemire. Oh, Amari Stoudemire. Never mind. Fuck yeah, dude. Have you guys ever seen somebody beef it on a dunk? This kid in high school,

he went to dunk in a high school game and caught the pumpkin like halfway to the rim and just ate shit on his back. Nice. It was the funniest thing. Oof. Seeing someone beef it on a dunk is very, very funny. That is a fun time. Oh, I've beefed it on some dunks.

Beefing on dunks. Now that would have been a good t-shirt. Welcome back to Beefing on Dunks. We're here today with Cy Amundsen I'm Minneapolis Vanilla welcome back to beefing on dunks we have to have a weird like NPR name where it's a normal name but pronounced

all fucked up you know like my name's C.I.F. I don't know my name is Nathaniel that's just how you thought it was spelled Don't be like that This is my friend Theo Shout out to Bethlehem Scholes

Fucking So yeah I would take dunking I'm right We all know it Everyone here wants to dunk Somebody has So yeah, I would take dunking. Yeah, of course. I'm right. Of course, yeah. We all know it. Yeah, that's... Everyone here wants to dunk. Somebody has. Okay.

Very modestly. When I thought about it, I think for me it's important to have what I do get seen because I have a giant ego. Yep. And so I'm going to go with throw a pitch that explodes a bird.

Whoa! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! I had to touch it. I leaned over. I had to touch his eye after he said that. That's a goddamn great first pick. Seriously, bro.

That is fucking beautiful. I think we have to end the podcast forever. Nothing could be better than that. That's it. Thank you for listening to 100-some-odd episodes of All Fantasy Everything. Let's all go drink more apple juice now. We'll be back as the new hosts of The Splendid Table on NPR.

This is my friend Sebastion. So who is the one that did... The big unit. Randy Johnson. Does Randy Johnson ever look more like he would explode a bird? No. Randy Johnson was trying to do that. It was on purpose. He was like,

fuck that bird. I'm gonna get his ass. Have you ever seen it slow down too? It really does just explode. It explodes. There's a bird and then there's a bunch of feathers. That shit is so cool, man. I cannot believe you picked that. That's so good. I'll expand. It's

pitch, but to me, if you threw any sports equipment and exploded any bird oh yeah yeah like if at an NFL game like a you know how they have to always

have eagles and shit fly out like if one like got loose and swooped down as Cam Newton dropped back and he just fucking exploded America's bird you'd be like

that's the craziest thing I've ever seen if a professional bowler hit an ostrich and it just exploded blah holy That's the craziest thing I've ever seen. If a professional bowler hit an ostrich and it just exploded. Bah! Holy crap. Whatever you are, I am, nigga.

Holy crap. I can't believe that was such a good thing. Yeah, your first pick is going to blow. I know. I'm over here just trying to... Sean's going to hug his teammates first or something. trying to... Sean's going to hug his teammates first

or something. I just always wanted to bring snacks to the game. Going to Disney World. I'm kidding. Your first break is going to be great

and I love you, pal. Yeah, man. Exploding a bird is fucking tight. Yeah, the big unit, Randy Johnson himself. It never occurred to me Because he was a famous person

From when I was a little kid So he was just always around So it never occurred to me It must have been so funny to just not have a famous person Named Randy Johnson And then one day there's a famous person Named Randy Johnson Yeah that is

We're laughing because it sounds like horny dick Horny dick. Horny penis. And then they called him the big unit on top of it. He was big as hell, though. He was like 6'6". Well, yeah.

He was a big unit. He was like 6'10", dude. Was he 6'10"? Oh, yeah. Is that why his windup was always so crazy? He looked like, my dad kind of looked

like Randy Johnson. Steven Adams. Randy Johnson. And Tyrese. Tyrese. My dad looked like all three of them somehow. It was gnarly. If there was a movie where a horny dick came to life, though,

and they didn't cast exactly what Randy Johnson looks like, that's a mistake. Yeah, no, you have to cast Randy Johnson. His neck looked like a dick neck. He looked like a dick. He looked like a dick. I bet you his dick just looks like a literal Randy Johnson I guarantee his dick

Has a mullet For sure Oh yeah It's got like a It's got like a D-backs hat on You think Randy Johnson Cubs like 90 miles an hour

It's got that Shitty mustache It was the dirtiest thing You're gonna hear all day I apologize Oh man I'm having a great time Yeah

What bird would you Want to explode If you had your druthers And I do like when That's the thing you're going to hear all day. I apologize. I'm having a great time. What bird would you want to explode if you had your druthers? And I do like when people have their druthers. I like the phrase, my friend. Fuck a goose. Yeah. Whoa. For sure. Geese.

Geese are the worst. I've tried to get close with one to a golf club often. Dog. Fuck geese. Fuck swans. Oh, yeah. The rich man's goose. Somebody said yes like they were waiting to hear that Yeah, no, okay

Is this common that people hate swans? Fuck swans, dude Swans are pretentious geese What? Aren't they beautiful? No, swans are pricks Tell me about it Swans are funded by the Koch brothers Dog, we did, I don't know if anybody knows I don't like this that you're doing Tell me about it. Swans are funded by the Koch brothers.

Dog, we did, I don't know if anybody knows. I don't like this that you're doing. I'm the head writer. Everyone's like, I don't know about all that. I'm the head writer of the Late Late Show with James Corden, for which I've been nominated for an Emmy. On that show, we did a real life 12 Days of Christmas. And it's like geese a-laying, swans a-swimming. Yeah.

So we like had all those, everything from a partridge to a pear tree. How's it go? Five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and eight nights of Hanukkah, which are better. They're not. Hell yeah. Hanukkah's whack, but, you know, we all know that.

We don't say it publicly, but it sucks. Any Jews in here? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey! All right, but, you know. We're outnumbered.

Right. But never outgunned. Yeah, you're... Yeah, you're outnumbered. Where's the Sierra Leone people at? Yeah. Oh, still there? Cool. How many people in here from Sioux Falls?

Oh, I got the numbers. Numbers on the board, playboys. Boop, boop, boop. We have to get through the first round. Numbers on the boards. You're doing dirt like a dirt day. Swans and geese, dude. Real quick, they were in these

two plexiglass cages next to each other, and dude, the swans just started winding up their necks and swinging them at the geese. Oh, that's how they fight like giraffes. They just fucking hit each other with their necks, these bastards. I got like afraid. I thought I was going to have to run in there and fucking knuckle up

on some swans. You could punch a swan right in the head. I would love to punch a swan. I've I was going to have to run in there and fucking like knuckle up on some swans. You could punch a swan right in the head. I would love to punch a swan. I've always wanted to punch an animal. I know it's fucked up to say, but just like one time I want to punch an animal. Like Roberto Duran. Yeah. No. Specifically not like that. The odds

that I live the rest of my life without punching a swan are bad. I'll punch a swan. Sean, it's time for your first pick. And your second, as it is. Serpentine Draft. Serpentine Draft. So my first pick, I'm going to pick Bowl of Perfect Game.

Damn it. That's a good one. It almost seems harder than slam dunking to me. Because it seems like 10 slam dunks in a row. Or 11. How many to Bowl a perfect game? Well, yeah, because the last frame is open, right? So it's 13.

Si said that like he was so mad at me, by the way. I'm so mad at you. I go, how many goes 13? That was on my list. You didn't even do the research, Sean. He never does, little boozy. Go off. He drafted a little boozy one?

I'm so mad you look like a word. He drafted weed Boozy once. I'm so mad you look like a word. He drafted weed on best smells, and he's You've smoked weed, but you don't smoke weed. I've smelled weed, and it's dank as shit. I say dank more than anyone that anyone knows. That doesn't

Okay. Okay. Because I got weed on me right now. And I also picked Little Boozy. What's up, bro? It's going down today. Yeah, bowling a perfect game. It's always been something I wanted to do. It's not more impressive than dunking. No, it's not.

No, it's not. Because there's a lot of people with high blood pressure who bowl perfect games. Who do you think you are? I am. Nobody who dunks. Except for that one. I don't know. I don't think Sean Kemp's blood pressure is that good right now.

Yeah, he could probably still dunk. And then that one big and one guy who died. Escalade. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think Sean Kemp's blood pressure is that good right now. Yeah, he could probably still dunk. And then that one big and one guy who died. Escalade. Yeah. Escalade. Yeah. When I was a kid, I thought the perfect game bowling was like the coolest shit ever.

Like eight, because there was a guy in our town who'd thrown 14 of them. Jesus. Yeah, and then I was 16, and I walked into the same bowling alley, and that same guy was humping the ball machine. Yeah. Shouting the words, I'm swimming in pussy and I was like I don't think it's that impressive. I think I'm out on this. I don't think this is a goal for me anymore. Yeah, I mean a perfect

game compared to humping the ball machine isn't impressive. Takes a true champion to do that. What time of day was it? I don't know why that matters. Dude, no shit. It was like 2.30 on a Saturday. Wow. It's 2.30 on a Saturday. That guy's humping the ball machine.

Yeah, a ball in a perfect game. I just think it'd be tight. Hot corner. Every time I hear about perfect game, I think of Mon Cala, the perfect game. I've never heard that word. Oh, is that where you drop the rock? I don't know.

I think it is. Is that game that mostly just exists at Pier 1 imports? Yeah. No, it was that game where they were like, here's cultures around the world in second grade. Right. They're like, Africa, Mon Cala. Yeah, and you're like, what about apartheid?

No. Mon Cala. Mon Cala. No, no. Lemurs. Moncala. Yeah, you're like, what about apartheid? No. Moncala. Moncala. No, no. Lemurs. Moncala. Have I been saying that wrong my whole life? Is it Moncala?

Am I the dumb shit that was like, can I play Mancala? It might be Mancala. I'm saying it like it's a Yiddish term of endearment. Ay. Oh, my little Moncala. And I said it like trash. Like, I'm trying to play some Mancala. Monkala. I said it like trash. I'm trying to play some Mancala. I'm going to move them stones from spot to spot.

Get some camo game pieces for this Mancala board that we got over here. Then I'm going to boil them stones up and make dinner. Hot Corner, what's your second pick? Stealing Home. Oh, fuck! There it is. I was going to pitch that. There it is.

Ricky fucking Henderson. Ricky fucking Henderson. It's fun to say any baseball player's name in a Boston accent with fucking in the middle. Randy fucking Johnson. Randy fucking Johnson. Randy fucking Johnson over here stole home and he's a pitcher. Roger fucking Clemens. There's none you can't do it with.

Kent fucking Horbeck over here. He's a twin, right? I don't know. Am I from Boston or did I get shot in the face? You're definitely from New Zealand. No. Not noi. Yeah, stealing home

would be tight, man. Yeah, stealing home would be tight. I'd love to see you do it. You do that, you're like getting off third and you got the hands going back and forth.

Doing this thing. Just death stare at the pitcher. Just looking, you know? You just mouth fuck you and I'm like, fuck you. He knows. I'm texting.

Yeah, you're texting. Like, I don't really care. I'm like. Yeah, you're texting. Like, I don't really care. I'm like, yeah, well, you know, Laura. You're braiding a challah. You're like doing all sorts of casual shit. I start crip walking a little bit. I go back to second. You know, when did you get over here?

Crip walk time. Tell the truth. You just wipe off the shoes. And it's mostly the hand placement, less the feet. Yep. I do that gang stack that I learned in sixth grade in Sioux Falls. Do it right now. Do it for the people.

Oh, sure. Crazy. Everybody got a little... Finish it! No. Bring it home! Everybody got weird ideas. No, they didn't get...

That's just because it's a weird thing to do. Just do it. Yeah, it's weird, but be weird. I'm weird. You're weird. You're weird as hell. I took my sweater off and put it back on up here. Nobody cared.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know that there's much more to it. I think you should stand up. I don't know why you did it sitting. Stand up. Keep it gangster, y'all. Keep it gangster. Keep it gangster, y'all.

Keep it gangster. I'd like to thank you, y'all. I'd like to thank you. Keep it gangster, y'all. Keep it gangster. Keep it gangster, y'all. Keep it gangster. I'm going to be honest.

I didn't love being a part of that. You're a part of it. And you're telling me Nicole didn't want to marry me. Nicole. Nicole! Nicole! You here? Nicole, please, are you here?

Anyway, big thanks to David for letting that gang sign thing happen. I didn't love it. David. It wasn't my finest moment. I feel like it was as much David as it was Sean. Yeah. Don't tell anybody. Yeah, dude.

Stealing. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dog. It would be real fun. Dust off. You know, when you get there. Oh, dude. Forearm shivers to everybody?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shivers. You gotta have a long standing relationship with the guy in the booth like in Sandlot. You know, you gotta have that moment. Oh, yeah! You gotta Benny the Jettit. It's a good movie. Yeah, it's a good movie. Sandlot? Sandlot. Yeah, yeah. Quebec Nordiques, dog. All right.

Cy Amundsen, Colorado Avalanche. Time for your second pick. Superball Stampede. I'm real upset with Sean about the... Nobody cares, dude. About the way... I care. So I'm going to take, with my second pick,

I'm going to go with Drill Someone Who Called For A Fair Catch On A Punt. Oh! Oh! You asshole! You dirty dog! They called for a fair catch on a punt. Oh! You asshole! You dirty dog dick! They called for a fair catch! You just want to, you just,

you hit him and you're like, don't you dare think about it. You're dark side! You're dark side! You're dark side! He tricked us! The whole time! The whole time!

The whole time! The darkest move is... Wow! Yo! That is wild! How funny would it be just like laying on top of him after you drew him and you just go, fair catch. Not funny at all. It would be funny.

Man, that is dark as hell. You lunatic. That's so funny. Yo, that was crazy. I did not think somebody was going to pick something like that. Well worth the 15 yards. Oh, my God. 15 yards for that feeling?

15 yards, you talk about the rest. I might put that play on an iPad and hang it around my neck for the rest of my life. Just fucking looping that shit. Because you're like

effectively drilling someone waiting for a bus. Like it's the same. Yo, that's so brutal. It's like if you just lined up 80 yards away from some dude waiting for the bus

just like Jesus fucking Christ. Somebody standing in line being like, is the self-checkout open or is it not? And you just drill them. It's so mean. It's so mean. He's going to be all exposed because he's

not worried about it. The sides of the stage do not understand fun at all. I didn't say I hope he dies, but if he dies, but... I hope he dies. If he dies... He dies. I mean, guys, he dies. It was a good pick.

I hope you fucking bury him on the field. You dig his grave right there. Put him right down with a hit. Like you stick him and one of your teammates tosses you a shovel and you catch him one-handed. What's that Patrice over at Neil Bay where he's like, take your socks! Tie him around your head.

Take your socks! You're expecting the shovel. Like, you're ready to catch it. Like that. By the way, we're drinking all Sean's beers.

All. All Sean's beers. Could we get six more beers up here? Thank you. All right. I'm not joking. Yeah, that would be awesome, dude.

Yeah, I can't. I've thought about that since I was like six years old. Because you know you've got that perfect form on your sprint coming down the field because no one's going to block you. You just get through. There's no wedge. That is a good feeling. Everybody's like, he's going to let him catch it.

Well, maybe. That is a good feeling when you're like, he did the fair catch. Oh, I thought he was waving to God because he was going to see him soon. Somebody should nominate you for an Emmy. I would love it. I would honestly love it.

I got a producer credit on this Paul McCartney special. It might happen. My man. I got a couple DiGiornos that I bought before. My career is going good. Don't get it twisted. I'm not out of the DiGiorno game. You should double down.

Now's the time. Invest in your futures. Time for my second pick. And I'm going to take screaming at an umpire. Oh, yeah. Like as a manager? As a manager.

As a manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good move. Like running out of the dugout just like, what the fuck was that, Carl? You know, they all know each other's names.

Because you know them for years. They know them for years. I was at your son's bar mitzvah! I'm your fucking daughter's godfather, you piece of shit! Say it one more time, Carmelo. One more time, you're out of the game. You're going to fucking string me out on that shit? You say it one more time.

Oh, you got a lot of nerve! You got a lot of nerve! You say it again! You know for a fact that wasn't a strike! One more time! You say it again, you son of a bitch! Oh my God! I'll see you at fucking boat camping later!

You're out of here! You're out of here. You're out of here. Get the fuck out of here. You're done. You're done, bro. I'm kicking dirt on you. We both were spitting on the ground. I'm milking this cow until the cow goes to ground, baby.

I was like, seriously, I'm sorry, man. Yeah. Oh, later on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I come into your office wearing a jockstrap holding two Michelob Ultras. We don't say anything.

Hell of a game, Carl. Where are you after this? Cincinnati? God damn it. No, I'm going to Poughkeepsie. I'm going to go watch Shane Torres headline some weird comedy club.

My goobies. Six beers. That's a good-ass pick, though. Yeah, dude, I would love to fucking scream it out. Yeah, I like that. Umpire. I could see you doing that. Oh, yeah.

I could see you doing it almost for no reason. I might just go do it. I might go to a Dodger game in, like, April when nobody cares and just storm the field screaming an umpire. Dude, I will go with you. Yeah, let go do it. I might go to a Dodger game in like April when nobody cares and just storm the field screaming at umpires. Dude, I will go with you. Yeah, let's do it. Should I bring brass knuckles? Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Is that weird? I want to turn my hat backwards so I can scream even closer to his face. Are you going to kick dirt on his shins? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like that move. I like that.

Just that life disrespect. That's just part of the deal. You got to do that. I'm that. Just that life disrespect. That's just part of the deal. You gotta do that. I'm gonna wipe pine tar on his shirt. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm not even gonna say anything. I'm gonna walk out very saucily. Secretly with a handful of pine tar.

And I'm gonna be like, I disagree. I disagree. I lick it. Excuse me, sir. I disagree. What? I lick it. Excuse me, sir. I disagree. David, somehow it's time for your second pick. Somehow.

My second pick is an elaborate touchdown dance. Yes. I just think, thank you. I feel like I would be so good at it. There's so many I want to copy. The Randy Moss moon. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it.

Yeah. I was like, I thought you guys were all from West Virginia. Mountain Mama. Rand University. Also the T.O. when he took out the pen. Oh, yeah.

I love being disrespectful. I love it. I love being disrespectful. I feel like in a way game, too. I want to do it in a way game. Yeah. Because it's like, in your house. Yeah.

I came into your house. Like life isn't hard enough in Buffalo. You got to put that on him. Yeah. Now David Borey's out here pretending his pants are off. Yeah. Yo, thank you. Yo, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Sean doesn't need any more. We'll just... I really don't. I feel like I'm going to puke, so yeah. I can see you getting the offensive lineman involved, one of those ones. Oh, no, I would want like an elaborate one. Like I want to do the bowling one,

but where I bowl an offensive lineman into the receivers in tight end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I want to do the bottle dance from Fiddler on the Roof, where they balance bottles on their heads and they do this weird Russian Cossack dance. Yeah, that's good.

I want to bring out a chair and do the Jewish wedding dance. Oh, yeah. It's always... Also, what is that dance where the Russian guys go, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Cossack dance. Oh, yeah, I want to do that. I used to be able to do that before my knees went south

on account of the football. But I would. That would be my move. I would break out at school dances about 10 years ahead of time. Because back then, people were like, what? Yeah, nobody knew. Why?

You've been ahead of your time for years. The whole time. You know, I thought I was going to do the windmill at prom. Sure. I bet you did. Then you just did the splits. You know what's fun with an end zone dance is doing a different sport. Like if you just did a triple lutz or whatever. fun with an end zone dance is doing a different sport.

Like if you just did a triple lutz or whatever. Oh, like a tennis or something? Yeah. You play a six hour match with Roderick Federer. I just take out a chess board. Truly one of the great feats of endurance in the sport. Hell yeah. Maybe you play some Mon Cala.

Man Cala. Man Cala. Man Cala. Comic. It sounds like you play some Mon Cala. Me and Cala. Me and Cala. Me and Cala. Call back. It sounds like you're saying me and Cala. Me and Cala. Me and Cala gonna get married. Me and Cala gonna play me and Cala.

Yeah. Who got busted for methamphetamine possession? Me and Cala. Me and Cala. What was that wedding that no one approves of? Oh, Mean Kyla. Yeah. Because we had the same last name already.

Yeah. Going into it. Ah, poverty. Ah. Yeah. David, it's time for your third pick. I want to get a technical foul. Oh, pick. I want to get a technical foul. Oh, yeah!

I want to get a hard tee. Like a hard tee. Like no questions asked. Like kick the basketball in the stands. Pull my pants down. That's way more than a technical foul. That's prison time. Maybe it's two technical fouls.

I ball his life. I ball hard. What do you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a hard T. You want an escalade. Remember when Rasheed Wallace used to get T's on?

I remember everything about Rasheed Wallace. That's what you guys are the jailblazers. Painting of Rasheed Wallace in the living room. We have a paint, yeah. There's two art

that hang in our living room. Two art. Rasheed Wallace and Larry David. And my head shot on the fridge. Don't you have that Bo Jackson? Okay, there's a lot of art in the living room. Yeah, you guys got. The Portraits of Solid Dudes is well appointed.

I got a picture of all of us on my birthday too. I do. That was fun. We went to the smokehouse. Sean was out of town, but we went. No, Sean was. Oh, yeah, Sean was out of town. Yeah, I was. And then we put my was out of town. Yeah, I was.

And then we put my photo in there and Shane got mad about it. Ah, I didn't get put in. No. You live in New York. You suck, bro. Nobody likes you is what we said. We're not friends with you. I like Shane. No, you don't, David. You don't have to say that. I love Shane. He's hilarious. No, stop.

He's always doing stuff. He is always doing stuff. He is always doing stuff. And it's kind of handed to him. He's always doing stuff. And he doesn't do it. I've never seen payload grow quicker, you know? Have you ever heard, one time I got all drunk with Shane, and the whole night he just kept

talking about him fucking, and he was like, I heard that boy Shane can pop. And I thought it was so funny, And I said it the next day. And he was like, what are you talking about? And I was like, don't you fucking do this to me. Don't you do this to me. What do you mean? Anyways, I want to get a hard T. Yeah.

I want to get a hard T. Hard T. Where you know. Where I know. You're already walking away when you get the T. Yeah, I'm already like, fuck it. I got a T anyways. You're like pumping up the crowd. I want it to be like, I take my jersey off,

throw it in the stands, and go to the locker room to have a tee. You know what I mean? I can see that. Fuck this, I'm going to go play golf. Who did it? Was it? I don't need this shit.

I'm a three-time all-star. Was it Bynum? I don't need this shit. Man, it was the dude on the Mavericks. That little, yeah, they like threw him down. I think it was Bynum, right? And then he took his jersey off when the Lakers and the Mavericks were playing each other.

Well, a lot of people have done that. What a horrible story, huh? What a weird road. Are you talking about when Andrew Bynum almost killed like J.J. Bure or something? J.J. Bure, yes, yes. That's what I'm talking about. When he just like threw him and then he's like,

he knew he's like, yeah, I get it. I got a fucking T and then just left the game. I'm weird. Yeah. I don't fit in. I'm an outsider. Sorry about all that. I would be an outsider for sure. I got a fucking T and then just left the game. I'm weird. I don't fit in. I'm an outsider. Sorry about all that. I would be an outsider for sure if I played pro basketball.

You'd have a horse, dude. You'd ride a horse to the games and shit. I'm already seeing the whole thing. I'd wear bronze chains. It's time for my third pick? Yes. New medals to chains. I don't want to... Yes. By the way, yes. We'll talk about it later.

Yeah, yeah. What's the horse's name? Mercules, I bet. What's my horse's name? Potassium. But it's spelled K. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Even in public school district. I didn't even know I wanted a horse till just now. You knew you wanted a horse. My third pick is when swimmers, right after they dive in at the Olympics, when they do that weird worm thing. Oh, the body roll. Where they're like, whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they just fucking wiggle through the water. Yeah. I want to be able to do that. Yeah. See, when you just said when they wiggle through the water, that was one of the funnest things I've ever heard. Because they dive in, and then for a second, everyone's doing that weird wobble, wobble, wobble.

Yeah, the dolphin. And then they start swimming. But I love that wobble, wobble, wobble part. That would be crazy. I think you could do that. I think that's attainable. I think that's attainable. I that's attainable I don't know man I'm a believer in you

cause underwater you're weightless yeah but my body's put together like fucking plywood and glue I think you could do it's just you just gotta like

snap into it maybe get somebody yeah attaboy yeah I bet you I bet you I'm gonna be honest

if we take time on it, we get you water wiggling by summer. I think so. Yeah. I think that. I bet I could. I think so. Wavy by winter, water wiggling by summer.

All right. We're going to kill 2019. Shit. Shit. That's how Trump's going down, dude. You with waves and me water wiggling. My waves and your water... He'll step down.

With my waves and your water wiggle, we can take over this town. That's how Trump's going down, dude. You with waves and me with water wiggling. He'll step down. With my waves and your water wiggle, we can take over this town. That's it. Can I hang out too? Yeah, you can do one of your kick flips. Stop picking other picks, bro. Nolly Christ Air 900, dude. All right, done. A feeble BS.

Yeah, you dickhead. I'm just saying shit. Just saying shit I saw on Tony Hawk. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Thinking I'm a Superman. Doing everything I can. So here I am, doing everything I can. Holding on to what I am.

Pretending I'm a Superman. can. Holding on to what I am. Pretending I'm a superman. Trying to keep the ground on my feet. Alright. Here I'm alive. That was Radiohead.

Man, I'm just doing a lot of bad stuff, huh? God damn it, Sean. Stop, dude. Everything all of the time. Si, it's time for your third pick. Ooh. Does anybody watch tennis? Are you guys tennis guys? No.

When you win Wimbledon, they give you this badass trophy. It's a plate, right? It's a plate that you'll never eat off of unless you're cool. Then you make a speech in front of everybody in the stadium and the millions watching around the world. Most people don't know of unless you're cool and then you make a speech in front of everybody in the stadium and everybody,

the millions watching around the world but most people don't know the person who just lost gets like a smaller, shittier trophy and they make them make a speech also.

Oh no! Oh really? And so for my third round pick I'm going to take deliver the loser's speech at Wimbledon. You should just Michael Jordan that shit.

I would lose my mind. At first I'd be like God, I wanted to win Wimbledon? You should just Michael Jordan that shit. I would lose my mind. At first I'd be like, God, I wanted to win Wimbledon, man. I gotta be honest. Nadal's got a ton of them and he's a fucking asshole in that bandana. Fuck Roger. You're just out there like,

fuck the queen, fuck tubes, fuck suits. Fuck that big ass plate. And his motherfucking crew. And if you're down with Wimbledon, fuck you too. No, that was a great pick. Good pick, dude.

Thank you. Good pick, bro. Thank you. I feel good about it. What do they ever say? They're just like, thank you for, I competed and now I have to go take off this sweaty white clothing. It's always like, I was just so happy to have to go take off this sweaty white clothing. What do they say? It's always like,

I was just so happy to be here. You're a liar, man. No, you wanted to win. I would melt down immediately. I've been playing tennis since I was three. My dad was mean to me.

Yeah. This was the biggest moment of my life. I thought I was going to win, and it just happened. I live at the same time as this Spanish asshole. I'm rich, but money doesn't

mean anything to me. It doesn't fill the holes inside me. I'm going to go home. I'll probably get in a fight with someone I love because of this. Man, I just got cold. Yeah. The devil's up here. The devil. The devil.

This Spanish asshole. the devil the devil this Spanish asshole he's from Mallorca right I'm talking about all of them everyone from Spain everyone in Ibiza shout out to Matt Bronger Ibiza

he's our friend friend of the podcast Matt Bronger we were talking about going to, I said something like, something talking about Ibiza. And he goes, oh, do you mean Ibiza? And he meant it.

He was not kidding. And I'm like, Bronger's on a different level. He's on some other shit. He drives a Tesla, dude. He could say Ibiza. He does drive a Tesla. That's what you get

when you buy a Tesla, the right could say Ibiza. He does drive a Tesla. That's what you get when you buy a Tesla, the right to say Ibiza. For sure. Your tongue gets caught behind your teeth sometimes. I got a bear on my sweater. Sure, you do? Isn't that fun? You do?

Yeah. Sean's time for your third pick, and then your fourth pick. I'm going to pick a perfect floor routine. Oh, damn it! Fuck! Wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Are you talking it! Fuck! Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Are you talking about rhythmic gymnastics? Yeah. Wait, rhythmic or just a floor routine? Just a floor routine in gymnastics.

All right, never mind then. You know who's got a great floor routine? Your brother, bro. My little brother who just won bronze at the European Jet Baby!

Hell yeah! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! Hell yeah! War room scream! Hell yeah! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! Hell yeah! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah! Wah! Kids' floor game is nice. The best of us. Nice.

The best of us, dude. Your little brother's out there winning fucking bronze. My little sister's getting master's degrees and doctorates. Sean. That was some cold shit, man. I'm going to be completely honest. That was tricky. I'm just looking at you for a second. I don't know how to do it. Say good things about your little sister.

She's amazing. She's graduated college. Yeah, dude. What I couldn't do. Yes. And she's 21 and doesn't drink. I'm saying, yeah, I wasn't hanging you out to dry. I was giving you a platform. Perfect floor routine and

everybody be quiet. Yeah, it would be an amazing feeling. You got what you wanted. Because it's like, it's one of the longer picks. That's like a minute and a half, two minute situation. Yeah. Yeah. I think it'd be fun. Do you do the, when you land the last trick, do you do the little hand thing?

You know, where it's like. This dude, John Bush. I know this guy. Palm, back of the hand, palm you land the last trick, do you do the little hand thing, you know, where it's like this dude, uh, John Bush, I don't know this guy. This dude, John Bush used to live in Minneapolis and he had this junk and I always think about it like at

the end of a floor routine where he's like you give that little nod to whoever didn't believe in you in the stands. And I think about it all the time where he

just like he'd, he'd be nodding. He's like, just kind of looks up at the time. He'd be nodding. He just kind of looks up at the person like, fuck you, bro. Because there's someone up in the stands like, no. You do that nod to Nicole. Yeah. Nicole! Nicole!

Nicole, are you here? Late show. She's coming to the late show. She's coming to the late show. Please be here. She's bringing her children and husband to the late show. Man. Man.

Hey, don't feel bad. You didn't buy tickets to go see them. You know what I'm saying? You're still winning. I did, actually. They weren't even selling tickets, but I bought them. You found out when they were going to be at Disneyland, and then you're going to be there, too.

This is when the cops show up in my room tonight like, hey, you said some weird shit earlier. Can I show up for that? Because lock me up. Yeah, perfect floor routine. Yeah, man. That would be awesome. That's a good one.

We're like three quarters of the way through it. They're like, can he? Yeah. Will he? I like that. Yeah. And then I get down there like, he did. Will he?

He did. Oh, a triumph. Oh, we are truly fortunate to be witnessing this today! Remember the name of Sean Jordan? They're all British. Oh, one of the great works of art in the human history of achievements. You know what I love about you two? I feel like if you stuck one, you would be like one of those guys who's crying as he puts his phone on the bar.

Oh, yeah! You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. You could just feel the pride. And I look up, I go, this one's not for you, Dad. It's for me, you know? This one's for St. Kelly. You guys remember this pro model skateboard I got earlier?

Huh? There's a guinea pig over there. Sure. So you want to hold your bottle of water up, huh? I'm kidding. I'm being a dick. It's a guinea pig over there. Sure. Si, you want to hold your bottle of water up? I'm kidding. It's important to hydrate. Sean, one more pick, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to pick returning a punt. Like for a touchdown? Returning a punt for a touchdown. I love that one. Returning a punt for a touchdown. Yo, that one. Returning a punt for a touchdown. Yo, listen now. Fuck that. Put him in the pads.

Fuck that. We're doing everything you could do in sports, and you want to do special teams? That's what you fucking pick, bro? Special teams? Returning a punt without calling a fair catch is one of the dopest things you can do. You are an idiot.

What are you talking about? Returning a... It's a fucking punt. They don't go... I feel like you're trying to freak out for no reason. You're crazy. That's a crazy... That was not a bad pick. That was an awful pick.

It was not. Yeah, it was a cool pick when I was a sophomore on punt return because I couldn't play any other varsity reps. You fucking pick punt return? What the fuck, dude? I want to catch a punt and return it without calling a fair catch. No, are you serious? I'm so mad.

You don't think that... I am so mad. Yo, I'm so... He's just trying to be mad. The only way you'd be more upset is if David Schwimmer and Matt LeBlanc were blocking for you. Matt LeBlanc-ing. Huh? You didn't even say return a punt for a touchdown or put a move. Well LeBlocking. Huh? You didn't even say return a punt for a touchdown or put a move.

You just said return a punt. It was implied. He's forcing it. I'm not as far in that direction as David, but I'm kind of with him. That's dumb as hell. I mean, there's like five other cooler touchdowns. Yeah.

He didn't even say for a touchdown, though. He just said return a point. You guys all have more picks. Go ahead and pick one. I'm over here being me. I apologize. And Sean Jordan runs it back 10 for a net punt of 39 yards. And now the Nissan game break.

You know... And I'm listening. Return a punt! Returning a punt for the touchdown. That's the kind of shit where the announcers will say your name wrong because it's so insignificant. Yeah. It makes me mad.

Shane Jardin. Shane Jardin. I'm not mad at the pic I'm mad at you For not dreaming bigger For yourself Does that make sense Like I want you

To want more for you Nice toilet paper I knew all What does that mean You hear that Everybody felt bad For me for a second I'm okay

Yeah because you can't Dream any bigger Than returning a punt I legit did that When I was 12 years old I have not Like for real I have not I took the water wiggle dude We'll go outside bigger than returning a punt. I legit did that when I was 12 years old. I have not. For real. I have not.

I took the water wiggle, dude. Well, go outside. I'll let you return a punt right now if that's not hard. I want better for you. I want you to... Wow. Return a fucking punt?

Those are my best friends. Yeah, that's why I want you to do better than returning a punt. You're not special teams. You're first string, baby. Those are my best friends. Yeah, that's why I want you to do better than Rattunant and Punt. You're not special teams. You're first string, baby. Act like it. Place at the table. Starting defense.

Yeah. Me and Latimer. We'll take six more beers. Six. Six more beers. You want one of mine? Not a joke. Six more beers. Do You want one of mine? Not a joke. Six more years.

Do you want one of mine? Yeah. We got a lot of stuff we need to deal with too. We understand. Alright Sean I'm sorry I feel like I did go crazy. Shut up dude.

Shut the fuck up. Just like the whole crowd when you returned that punt for five years. You fucking asshole. A lot of people in the stands like, pretzel? Yeah. Huh? Oh, my God. No, it's dope.

You're dope. It's dope, Cy. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means you did a dumb thing. Right. You want to return a punt, and Topher makes dope boards. What do you want? Yeah, I don't understand.

Take the heat off me, Cy. I'm going to ask a question that I'm sure... Hold it, time out. Nine inches, bro. Yikes. A ruler with three inches cut off is what I was talking about.

I feel like... That was the question you were going to ask, right? How long is a ruler if you cut three inches off? Evil side. You got the title back, yeah. I know somebody's going to give me a TED Talk after the show because of this question,

but wrestling's a sport, right? No. Yeah, I think so. No, it's like Cirque du Soleil. Athletic is shit. But, you're going to have to make a call on this pick then. I'm going to go with Wrestle-A-Bear. Oh, yeah.

That's a sport. You said that like we thought it was WWE. Wrestle-A-Bear? Yeah, like collegiate wrestling is a sport. A month ago. Iowa. Iowa State. Shut up.

Remember Kale Sanderson? He never lost. I remember. A month ago. Remember Brooks Whelan? No. He never won. No, Brooks was like a high school wrestler.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, he came up in Iowa. He was good at it. Iowa is great at wrestling. Dude, Brooks is wiry. The whole Midwest really is great at wrestling. You know what the Midwest is. He was good at it. Iowa is great at wrestling. Dude, Brooks is wiry. The whole Midwest really is great at wrestling. You know what the Midwest is. Young wrestlers.

I'm pumped about it. Anyways, you want to fight a bear. That's cool. Like a month ago, I was having dinner with my mom, and we were at one of those restaurants. Normal thing to come up with at dinner. We're going to get there. You know how they have those contests, all the dipshits that ate the biggest meal, and they get to be on the wall?

The old 96er. Yeah. I was like, all the dipshits that ate the biggest meal and they get to be on the wall? The old 96er. Yeah. I was like, it's crazy people do that. And my mom casually was just like, when I was in high school, one of my friends wrestled a bear for money at a mall and won. And I was like, well, fuck, I need to do that. That's a thing that I need to do. At a mall. It used to be a thing.

Guys used to drive the country with bears and just show up at malls and be like, who wants to fight my bear? And then dudes would... And if anybody ever beat them, they would just fucking take off with the money. Whoa. I never thought there was a job I was more suited for than stand-up comedy until just now.

I'm going to be a bear fighter. If we were at the mall after one of those Red Robin trips where we got hammered and there was a bear outside, we used to go to the mall and get drunk at Red Robin. It would be so easy to talk me into it. Oh, yeah. You could say like three things and I'd be like,

you know what, yeah, I'm going to fight that bear. I'd be like, David. You're like, yeah, I'll fight that bear. Let me get up in it. What kind of bear? Like a brown bear? I was trying to get you to go to Chic and buy cool socks. But like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to fight the bear.

But now I'll fight this bear. Oh, yeah. That's cool. Yeah, that's a good one. I don't think I'm going to get you to go to Chic and buy cool socks. But now I'll fight this bear. That's cool. Yeah, that's a good one. I don't think I'm going to win, but I think it's something I want to give a whirl. Oh, yeah, you're not going to win. You want that on your resume. It's a bear. You're going to win.

No, I don't think I am. You're going to win. Sean, what are you saying? It's a bear. It's not a punt return. It's a bear. Fuck me, huh? Everyone. Everyone's a pair. Fuck me, huh?

Everyone. Everyone's on the same side. Nobody feels bad for you. Everyone here can see you. They saw you take punt return. People do feel bad for you. Which they shouldn't. No, they shouldn't. I'm a professional skateboarder, so. Wearing it like the belt, bro.

I like that. Christ there. 900. Skate two. Thinking I'm a superman. And then Wynonna's got herself a big brown beaver. That's another one of the ones. Promise.

Pat Duffy. Who, uh, that guy, one of the dudes recently, you know. A couple people know what I'm talking about, though, right? With regards to wrestling a bear, one of those dudes, you know, recently when he was a kid. What? Yeah, that guy, yeah. Yeah, the UFC guy. A beef-fought bear?

A UFC guy came up fighting a bear. Yo, that dude does look like a bear fighter from way back. A beef-fought bear is a baby. There's a video of him just like tangling with a little bear, dude. That dude's so tough. Yeah. He's so tough. He fought a bear. He fought a bear fighter from way back. Khabib fought a bear as a baby. There's a video of him just like tangling with a little bear. That dude's so tough. Yeah. He's so tough. He fought a bear.

He fought a bear. And Conor McGregor. When I was that age, I was writing books about the... Oh yeah, didn't you write a book about like the

Iran-Contra scandal? Or something way too weird for a boy? It was about the Kuwaiti-Iraqi oil scandal and like Desert Storm. Yeah.

That is the wildest shit I've ever heard. Shout out to the Middleman Jewish Community Center, man. Raising bright young Jewish boys. Yeah, no, you've done well for yourself. You've done well for yourself. Bright young Jewish boys. Bright young Jewish boys. Glistening in their Purim sweat.

You have to pick. Hiding the af-the-common and then finding it promptly. Oh, yeah. Is it my turn? Yeah. We've been doing this for a long time. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, we're all right. You can't pick Return to Punt. I already picked it, so you got to pick something else. Yeah. Punt Return is off the table. What are you going to do? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Answering a softball question. I guess you have to pick walk somebody. David and I have drank out of the same cup, and here he goes. We love each other. It doesn't mean I'm wrong.

You took a perfect floor routine? I don't want that. What I want to do is compete in rhythmic gymnastics with a ribbon. With a ribbon? I get that. I get that completely. What color would your leotard be?

The leotard would be red to match the ribbon. Okay, so it's red ribbon. Wait, are you spinning for China? I'm not mad, I'm just asking. Are you spinning? Ribbon spinning. That's what they call it inside. Sorry, it's inside baseball for athletes. Athlete from Russia, but in one of those years

where Russia's banned, but they let the athletes from Russia compete. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I like that. It's a DSA-themed leotard. What are we on, Chapo Trap House? I don't listen to it. Yeah, but we wouldn't. That's not for us.

Yeah, we're not. You know? I watch YouTube videos. What's the last book you read? What's the last book I read? I read Charlemagne the God's book for us. Yeah, we're not. You know? I watch YouTube videos. What's the last book you read? What's the last book I read? I read Charlemagne the God's book last week. Exactly. What's the last book you read?

What a bummer question. Yeah, we're not a trap on trap. I can't honestly tell you. I finished Elaine Brown's book the other day. Who's Elaine Brown? The Black Panther. Oh, all right. Never mind. Okay, you're on trap, huh?

Yeah. I read way more than as dumb as I am. Yeah. I'm dumb as hell. I read way more than as dumb as I am. But for real. Okay, the dirt. I'm reading Lincoln and the Barday right now.

Yeah. Barday. Barday. Lincoln and the Barday right now Barday Lincoln and the Barday Yeah I don't want to lie I can't I can't read Rhythmic gymnastics with the ribbon I just feel like I have an elegance

in me that I don't get to That's true I've seen you on the dance floor before You're mad smooth It's becoming a pattern, floating through the water. Yeah. That's the thing. He wants to let his inner rhythm out.

I just want this move where they're like looking at it. How's it going again? But then you're doing the stanky leg back here. Yeah, yeah. Do the stanky leg. Do the stanky leg. The stanky leg. Yeah, crip walking over the ribbon.

We all know how to crip walk, Si. You know how to crip walk? I sure don't. I mean, I've seen it, but I didn't think so. Sean, get up and crip walk for the people. I don't know if I can. He's going to do it, too. No, he's not. Go to the floor. There's room.

Nope. I gave it a college try. None of us wanted it. No, he's not. Go to the floor. There's room. What a coward. I gave it a college try. None of us wanted it. I didn't want it. Where am I? I almost passed out right there. That was crazy.

Yeah, the rhythmic floor. I just want to do some ribbon shit. That's my pick. David? I'm going to look Sean Jordan right in the eyes. Hunt return's already taken, bro. Kick return. I'm taking a kickflip. in the eyes. Hunt Return's already taken, bro. Kick Return. I'm taking a kickflip.

Whoa! Somebody had to take it. I've done thousands, so I couldn't take it. I haven't, and I want to. It'd be great. And you will. I want to do it like at a barbecue when I see some kids out skating in the street,

and I'm like, oh, God, I have it. Give me the board. Just give me the board. Let me try. Let me just bust this. And then I want to bust like a high one. Yeah. Like a late foot.

You know what I mean? And then like land it. Yeah. I think it'd be really cool. Now, Sean, you started skateboarding shortly after the Lupe Fiasco song, Kick Push, came out. Is that right?

That's what got you into it, right? Lupe Fiasco? Yeah, yeah. You saw him do that sick ollie at the end of that video. Three things have mattered to me in my life. The television show ER. There it is.

Reeboks. Clear number two. And that Lupe Fiasco. Lupe Fiasco. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, those are the three worst things, so I get it.

I've kick-clipped down a 12 stair. Huh? Wow. Yeah. Here, right? In Minneapolis? It was in Omaha, Nebraska. Or was it a 10 stair here in Minneapolis? I ollie'd a 10 stair. Huh? Wow. Here, right? In Minneapolis? It was in Omaha, Nebraska.

Or was it a 10 stair here in Minneapolis? I ollie'd a 10 stair in Minneapolis. The great city of Minneapolis. Kick-flipped, I think, a nine stair here. Anyway.

You're carrying the board like it's the Torah at your bar mitzvah. Can you read a couple passages from it for me? The board. It was the board. The board. Can you read a couple passages from it for me? The board. It was the board.

The board. Wait. You're Jewish. 100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything. There we go. Emmy nominated, cheerleader prom dated. Hotel accommodating. Yeah, dude. Kick flipping would be tight.

Kick flipping would be... I would love to be on a skateboard at all, but one of my friends, I forget which, I forget which, I forget which. Who is it? Wasn't it me? I forget which one of my friends it was. It was one of my friends,

and he got me a skateboard for a larger gentleman. I heard about that. But he kept saying like, hey, I got to tighten those trucks, so don't stand on it. So I didn't. All summer. Was that three years ago now?

Sitting right by the door. He's talking about me. I feel like it would be something that would be so easy to do. He's not wrong. You have a skate tool in your room, right? I do, I do, yeah. So it's really only just sitting down and

doing the thing that would show that you care about your friend. If he just, if he just, if he tightened the trucks, if he tightened the trucks every hundred times I got dinner, it would have happened. Damn! Yo!

Ian buys dinner all the time! I can't even look over there now. Sean also buys dinner all the time. Ian bought me dinner last night! Sean didn't type my trucks. Sean brings wings home like I'm his child. It's beautiful. He does.

He's a wonderful roommate, and I love him so much. I'm just kidding, too, about the trucks thing. I don't really care. Yeah, we love you, baby. Well, I'm already welling up, so, you know. Don't well up! My fifth pick

of things I want to do in sports is Sean Jordan. No, all right. Don't be shocking. You're stupid! You're stupid right now. You're the best friend! All right.

Cool. David, is it time for your fifth pick? I want to crank a Grand Slam. Yeah. Like, crank it. And like, I want, so I've always had this fantasy of, for some reason they start calling me Mr. October.

Yeah. Because that would feel so good, is like crank it, and then you just hear, Mr. October! And then I point to the stands, and then like as I round home I take off my chain and I throw it in the crowd. Whoa! I take,

I throw my chain in the crowd on a grand, in the World Series. Can I say something here? Yeah. Dr. October. Oh! Oh shit.

Dr. October gun. Well. It was like Dr. October. Dr. October. No, that was bad. The third horrible thing I said. Woof! You stepped was like Dr. Octagon. Dr. Octagon. No, that was bad. The third horrible thing I've seen. Woof, you stepped on that riff. Oh, God.

No, yeah. Take a groundlings class, bro. Steady blowing it over here. The groundlings. UCB. IOS. It's probably because my friends were just so mean to me that I. I'm just mad because you didn't stay at the party all night last night.

I fucking did too. Sean took off at 7.30 PM. Yeah, what an asshole. He had't stay at the party all night last night. I fucking did too. Sean took off at 7.30 p.m. Yeah, what an asshole. He had to go read the Bible all night. I was there until 6 a.m. I was at the party until 4.15 in the morning, which is way too late to be at a party when you're... I was sleeping in a chair near a DJ for the second time in two weeks.

I went to Nick Cannon's... Dog, back in Portland at my little sister's birthday, we went to Nick Cannon's dog back in Portland at my little sister's birthday we went to Nick Cannon's birthday party so while I was on tour in Portland and Nick Cannon had a birthday party at some club and my little sister

didn't even want to go but we ended up there and I just sat there and I was like I'm glad my sister's having fun and for like two hours ended up there and I just sat there and I was like, I'm glad my sister's having fun. And for like two hours I just slept next to a DJ booth while Nick Cannon was having a great time

in whatever fucking culturally inappropriate hat he was wearing at the time. You don't want to see Nick Cannon sing Gigolo to all his friends? Me and Kel's

on Ducati. Is that a Gigolo song? I friends? Me and Kel's on Ducati. Is that a Gigolo song? I'm a Gigolo. It's a good chorus. Grand Salami, dude. Also, he's called a Grand Salami. That's fun. A Grand Salami? I'm pretty cool. Yeah, I want to crank one.

Podcasts usually trail off at the end. That's... I mean, yeah, we do a long cast. You guys listen. It's an mean, we do a long cast. You guys listen. It's an LC. It's a long cast. You know, ebbs and flows. Flow early, ebb late.

We're doing another one. Is anybody going to the second one? I'm going to barf at that one. Oh, man. That is so tight. Okay. That's so tight. My last one is run more than a mile.

That's so real. Pick a sport. Whatever, I don't care. It could be soccer. It could be distance running. It could be short distance running. No, we're good at big dude sports. Yeah, I'd love to run even one foot more than a mile.

One mile, one foot. Yeah, because the longest I've ever run in my entire life is one mile. You guys never had to run after watching a game? No, we did, but we ran sprints. I mean, cumulatively, I'm sure I've run more than a mile. Really? Yeah. That feels hard for me to believe.

No, at football practice, what? Four times around the track, that's it? Yeah. Yeah. Never five. Oh. Coach says five, and you're like,

I think coach had a stroke. He said the wrong thing. I used to get so heated at coaches when like, so I... I could see that. You're the only person I know that I could see being like, no, fuck you, coach.

Yeah. I'm a published author. I won't be doing that. I shan't be running a fifth lap. Because I've been this size since the Mesozoic. Like, I've been like... I bet you it was crazy running into you as a boy. Yeah, it was weird.

Your dad's just like, he's my giant baby. My giant baby. Just being a big dog shirt at way too early of an age. I feel like you went to Discovery Zone and they're like, you're too big. Yeah, exactly. You can't be over six feet in the ball pit.

I'm sorry, son. Here's the crossword puzzle on a pizza, and I'm like, alright. Sure. sure but even back dude like when we were running the 240 yard dashes did you ever have to do

that end zone to end zone and back yeah oh yeah and you would do like 20 of them 25 of them and like by the end

you know up top I'm like keeping pace but like at the end you know I'm coming in 30 45 seconds after everybody else oh yeah and like everybody's like you got it carmel come on carmel

and i'm running like shut the fuck up yeah that's the worst the fuck up that's the worst feeling i don't need you to fucking encourage me i start yeah. I love the fucking defensive line. Yeah. I shouldn't have to do this. Send me to Buga de Beppo for the last half of practice, you motherfucker. Where's the weird 240-yard football field I'm going to have to chase the quarterback down, you know? I played football, too. You fool. Well, you were.

You were. I mean, your mom signed you up for sure. Yeah. It's a 10-yard end zone, 100 yards, 10-yard end zone. If you run that all the way down the back, it's 240 yards. I know. I was making a joke as why would I need to run 240 yards to chase the quarterback to sack him from the defensive line.

Technically, it was a good joke. Yeah, yeah. Love the joke, dude. Thank you. That's my bad, dude. That was a good joke. Yeah. Thank you. That's my bad, dude. That was a good joke. I tried. You're very funny. You're a funny guy. You're a professional comedian.

You do this for a living. I respect it. I love it. I love your little skits. You're funny. Valley Fair. Mall of America. Brother Ali. Atmosphere. Keep it going. P.O.S. Death to Doom Go on. Atmosphere. Keep it going.

POS. Do it. Death of Doomtree. Cecil Otter. Keep flowing. Idea. Prince. Prince. Bob Dylan.

Evidence. Bob Dylan. Ashton Kutcher, which is a weird one, right? I thought he was from Iowa. He's from Iowa. He's from Iowa. Josh Hartnett. Josh Hartnett. He's from Iowa. Josh Hartnett. Josh Hartnett.

It's Josh Hartnett City. Somebody told me Josh Hartnett lives in this neighborhood. Yo, we should go, you know. What if we all go to Josh Hartnett's crib right now? Yo, Josh! And then give him weird Josh, I loved you in Sin City.

I loved you in Lucky Number 11. I do love that movie. I do love him in both those, I loved you in Sin City. Stuff like that. I loved you in Lucky Number Slevin. I do love that movie. That's one of my favorite movies. I didn't love him in both those movies, though. He was good. Josh, 40 Days and 40 Nights changed my life. Elliot Smith.

Matt Groening. Kevin Love. Oh, we're doing... Oh! No, they're wrong. How quickly we forget. They can't be mad at me. He was in here putting fucking 28 and 14 up for you

for five, six years. Yeah, you guys hate me. We got good shit for him. We got good shit for him. You got good shit for him. I get it. I feel weird. You got Andrew Wiggins.

I don't love Carmelo Anthony. Hey, there's nothing wrong with Andrew Wiggins. The people hate Andrew Wiggins. The people hate him. I do not. He's Canadian. I'm the lone believer.

Phobia. Third layer. Skateboard stuff, you know? Davis Torgerson. Jack Olsen. What are we doing right now? Iota skateboards. Supernatural clothing.

Eddie the Cat Alguera. Cy? Is that your pick? What are we doing? Cy, it's your fifth pick. I'm just going to let him run it dry over here. Good times skateboarding. Minnehaha Falls.

The Metrodome. Yeah. Rest in peace. The fucking when the snow caved in the roof. That was so bust. Who? That's gnarly. Jared Allen.

Nicole. That's a good one. Jared Allen. In Jackass. Hey, Jared, try not to hit me with your purse next time. When he sacked Johnny Knox. Mary Mac. Ah, yeah, Tim Harmsen.

Tim Harmsen has a great joke about the Metrodome collapsing where he's like, you know how people call in at the beginning of the year to make sports predictions on the radio? Yeah. If that year had been like, okay, here's what's going to happen. The dome's going to collapse. And then Favre's dick is gonna come out.

And then they're gonna play the first Tuesday night football game in the history of the NFL. It's like, I don't know if he still does it, but it's like the funniest sports joke I've ever heard in my life. Then Favre's gonna get his dick hot.

All right. With my last pick, I mean, I kept, you know, you want the game-winning shot and shit. Get it out. But then relax, Sean. And then. Go Lambo. I know.

But. I'm with you, Sy. The point is, I think I need to dream bigger than just a game-winning shot. I need to dream about the celebration afterwards. Oh, yeah. So I think I want to spend bigger than just a game-winning shot. I need to dream about the celebration afterwards. Oh, yeah. So I think I want to spend a day with the Stanley Cup. Oh, shit. That's a good pick.

Man. That's a good, good pick. And it's going to be fucking weird. That's a good, good pick. It's going to be weird. Me, multiple of us are having sex with that cup. Yes. Yeah.

And if you think that's not happening when those guys get their day with the cup, there it is. Oh, yeah. That cup's getting sexed. They're balls. I'm going to wash my dick in it. Oh, yeah. I'm going to give my son a bris in it. Got weird.

Got weird. It's different. I'm going to drink so much champagne out of that cup. Yeah. I might marry the cup. That freaked me out for a second. Yeah. I might marry the cup. What are you... That freaked me out for a second.

I didn't know what was going on. It's like a ribbon. Six more beers. No way. No way. I'm so sad they can't see that

on the podcast. I put the whole ass microphone in my mouth and asked for on the podcast. I put the whole ass microphone in my mouth and asked for six more beers. You put the whole microphone in your mouth, didn't you? Didn't you? Didn't you? You put the whole microphone in your mouth, didn't you, you trollop?

Yeah, the Stanley Cup. That would be tight, man. That would be awesome. That would be really cool. I'd serve punch out of it. I'd eat ice cream out of it. I'd wear it as a hat. I'd drill a hole to the bottom,

hook up a hose, and make it a bong. Yep. That would be sick. I'd fill it with keels and just jam my face in it. What are keels? It's a face lotion.

It's a lotion company. Oh! You'd fill it with lotion? Yeah. That's a good move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like your skin. Well, we live hard.

We got to take care of our skin. Yeah, I do worry that on the back end, my shit's going to be bad. We'll have a talk after this. Yeah. I got you. We should go sauna-ing. No, I know. We should for real.

Just sauna-ing. Saunas, massages, lotion regimens. Yeah, yeah. 2019 is going to be good. Gentlemen, you got to take care of your skin, too. This isn't, this isn't a fucking gender thing,

all right? My roommate's gay and he always says straight men have no skin regimens. No, I know. I do though.

That's the thing. I'll put you on. Okay, yeah. Solomon Georgio. Shout out to Solomon Georgio. Yeah, shout out to Solomon.

His skin is like, it's so soft. It is amazing. Solomon Georgio's going to look 28 for the rest of his life. Yeah, yeah,

bro. Have you ever touched him? Yes. It's so smooth. We've been in the house and he's like, can you open this jar of pickles? I'm covered in cocoa butter. And I'm like, yeah.

What a glow up for Saul Giorgio, by the way. Back in Seattle, dude, he was like cargo shorts and like fucking looking whack. No, he's hanging out with Zoe Kravitz tonight. Pure elegance. Yeah, I love it. It's the best thing I've ever seen.

She's hanging out with him. Exactly. They're going to do drugs. So I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. Just to throw it out there. Me too. Sean, what's your last pick?

I want a pole vault. That's a good one. That's a good one. It's something that's like the least likely out of my picks that I'll ever do. Oh, punt return, is it? Who would have thought he was going to bring that up? If you go to the bank with a plate of pierogies, where will they put them? In the pole vault.

Did somebody boo that? Did somebody boo it? You motherfucker. Put them... Yes, I want a pole vault. I think it'd be tight. It'd feel fun. And yeah, that's my last pick.

So what are you going to do? Ian's going through so many nudes of himself. They're all naked photos of him. All I can see. So many different weird views of the bad dude. You should get a naked pic on a bearskin run. Oh, another one? My mom keeps calling me.

Just pass it around. Just pass it around. Just pass it around. Pass it around Just pass it around I trust you with my phone Just pass it around What's it a photo of? You know what it is Do I? I don't know what it is

I made a great joke And now a photo of me Is getting passed around Okay Am I holding four Emmys in it? Yeah That's the one Yeah

That's the one Please nobody. That's the one. Please nobody steal my phone. I need that. I do need it. That's awesome. It's all the way in the back of the room right now. Somebody take a second with it. There's numbers in there. Oh, yeah. If you want to text James Corden

right now, my phone number is in there. Send him your butt! Yeah. If you want to text, Corden right now, my phone number is in there. Send him your butt! Yeah. If you want to text, who else is in there? Katie Nolan? You can get Katie Nolan? Send him your butt!

Shout out to Katie Nolan. You love Katie. If you want to text, who else? Shane Torres? Shane Torres! I was just... Send him your butt. Like, for sure.

Muy feo y muy apestoso. Stinky and ugly that guy. Es pelo muy malo. Baracho. Hammered. He's drunk.

Un poquito baracho. The baracho machacho. 100 horas bebes 50 cervezas antes de la juego de fútbol norteamericano. He drank 50 beers before the North American football game.

100. 100. So you're going to recap? Paul Valter. Yeah, Paul Valter. There it is. Cool, man. Yeah, that'll be fun.

It would be. What do I got to do? I'm not nagging you. I'm not nagging you. It'll be fun. Running out of steam. Pass my phone back up, whatever. If it was just gone,

that would be... I mean, it wouldn't be funny. It'd be funny in like... It's Minneapolis' phone now. It'd be funny in like a year. Are you really texting Shane? Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. That's hilarious. That's the Red Wings guy. He's not going to believe it. He's not going to believe that Ian was like, hey, bud, I love you. Are you an old fan of the everything right now? Oh, yeah, I heard you love me. Oh, great.

Oh, great. Okay, what's the recap? To recap, David, you went first. You took doing a triple axel. Hell yeah. Elaborate touchdown dance. Yep. Getting a technical foul.

Still. Knocking out a kickflip. Give it to me. Hitting that grand salami. Bang. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Rich Homie Carms won second.

Duncan. Yep. Screaming at an umpire. Uh-huh. Doing that water wiggle. The water wiggle. Rhythmic routine. Running more than one mile.

Thank you, Bob. God, Cy Amundsen won third. And with the winning draft draft in my opinion. Yeah, I really like his draft. I really like his draft. I think he did it. Very much. Sometimes you don't know,

sometimes you know. Yeah, that one was solid. And you'll see why just now. Throwing a pitch so that explodes a bird. He came out hot. He came out hot. He came out hot. Drilling someone who has called for a fair catch.

You psychopath. Giving the loser's speech at Wimbledon. Wrestling a bar. A bear. A bear. A bear. A bar. Rumor is Sam Emerson wrestled a bar.

And finally, spending a day and fucking with the Stanley Cup. Yeah. Well done. Well done, man. Finally,

Chantel Jordan named off these hits. Displayed a rudimentary understanding of the world of sport by picking bowling a perfect game, stealing home, a perfect floor routine. Those are all dope, and keep

going. Yeah, those are all dope. Keep going. Keep going, Playboy. Let's hear the next one. Fuck you, Cy. Just because all your dope picks were right before mine. Sometimes a football team will go out with the... with the intention of scoring a touchdown.

And whether through their own poor planning or a superior defense, after three downs, they will be forced into a fourth down situation where they have to send out a kid who went to like Savannah State or some weird college. He'll go out and punt the ball. I have a dream.

And on the other team, there will be one player. You're looking at him. Usually like a third string running back or a six string wide receiver who will receive that punt and run between five and nine yards with it they call this milking it

they call this punt return and that's what Sean Jordan picked and then pole vaulting And that's what Sean Jordan picked. And then Paul Vaulting. Yeah, that's the crazy thing. He wrapped it up with an incredible bit. Seriously. Everybody in here.

Wait a minute. So you took a picture and said, hey from Minneapolis, big fan. And he said, ha ha ha, how are you, pal? I barely saw you in L. Wait a minute. So you took a picture and said, hey, from Minneapolis, big fan. And he said, ha, ha, ha, how are you, pal? I barely saw you in LA. That's true. God damn it, Shane. He didn't bring up the photo at all. Why is he not in this picture?

Why is he so bad at the internet, dude? Shane tweeted the other day. I thought this was an Instagram post. Shane tweeted that he mixed up his Twitter and Instagram. You know how hard that is to do? They're completely different apps. That's like going on Google instead of calling an Uber. It's astonishing that you can mix those two up.

Like, I thought I was watching ESPN. I'm watching TNT. I thought I was eating a steak. Turns out these are mashed potatoes. We left some good ones on the board. That clean and jerk where you press it over your head. You know that one? Oh, yeah.

I had that too. That one? I wanted to do a squeeze play in baseball. Oh, a squeeze play would be tight. A no-hitter. No-hitter's good. Doing that cryo chamber thing, but like earning it. Oh, yeah,

because we're going to do it someday, but we won't earn it. I've done it. It's a nightmare. Is it a nightmare? I was in there for 15 seconds, and it's a nightmare. I just want to see

what would happen. I didn't know. You'll be cold as fuck for like eight more hours afterwards. I didn't know if this would count, but wearing one of those weird masks on a treadmill. It doesn't seem like a sport,

but like that rain mask. I'm like, man, I'd look tough if I was doing that. You mean the 50-set video? Yeah, everybody looks so fucking tough when they do that.

I'm like, I want to look like that. But it's not a sport, you know? Sean, I got that X if you're into taking drugs. Yeah, I'm not really. I'm into making love.

Like, I'm super into making love. Well, maybe you should get out the club. I don't really like having sex. I like making love Well maybe you should get out the club I don't really like having sex I like making love You know I don't need drugs to have a good time Yeah no I know punt return

Anyways I need love girl I need love I need love girl We did it That was kind of sexy right Being a soccer coach And wearing a cool suit

With no tie Oh that's a good one How else did I... You know, you look like your name's Fabrizio. You do that at the live show? Yeah. Yeah.

Bummer. Oh, man. Such a bummer, right? Huge bummer. It is gross, right? Laura does not like it. She is my girlfriend. is gross, right? Laura does not like it. She is my girlfriend.

That concludes this round of All Fantasy Everything. Thank you guys. Yeah. So, so, so, so, so, so, so much. We want to say some quick shout outs. Who do we shout out on this one?

Shout out to super producer Marissa back in Los Angeles. Yeah, shout out to Marissa. We love you. Shout out to Prof. Shout out to Prof. Shout out to Prof. Wish he would have been here. He wanted to come.

He texted me. He did. Shout out to my little brother Martin for winning a motherfucking match. Yeah. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to St. She just tweeted something. I just saw it.

I don't know what it was because I didn't look, but she just tweeted something. She'd be on Twitter. She's active. She knows more about Twitter than Shane, which is crazy. Shout out to my mom

who is drunk as hell in Portugal right now. Yeah. Celebrating my brother's win. Shout out to Kelly Jordan who has a pierced nose and purple hair. Yeah. Hell yeah. Cy, any shout outs? Shout out to Kelly Jordan who has a pierced nose and purple hair. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Cy, any shout outs? Shout out to the producers of this festival. Yeah, shout out to Bob. Shout out Bob. Shout out to Bob. Bob's going for it too.

Chloe, Moe, Ryan, Shelly. Everybody walk up to Bob and be like, hey man, this is dope. He's the most stressed dude. Shout out to Hickox and Baker. Yeah. Oh, shout out to Big Top Productions

for putting on the festival. Another big creation. I heard you guys got brats tonight. I'm getting in. Shout out to Chloe for driving us over here. And taking us to that coffee shop. Chloe, what's your last name? Radcliffe. C-Rad.

Shout out to Chloe Radcliffe. Shout out to that coffee shop. And taking us to that coffee. Chloe, what's your last name? Radcliffe. C. Rad. Shout out to Chloe Radcliffe. Shout out to Minnesota Vanilla. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. We fucking love you. Yeah, thanks guys. Hit us up with your drafts at at allfantasypod on Twitter or allfantasypodcast at gmail.com.

Rate and subscribe. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Sid the Dude's gotta hear it. And more important than all of that. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

Shaklakity! that was a hate gun podcast