All Fantasy Everything - Things That Give Us Hope (w/ Shane Torres and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

Does everyone see that? It looks like a light at the end of this tunnel! This week Ian and Sean are joined by ENEMY of the pod Shane Torres to draft "Things That Give Us Hope!" So grab a half full glass of something and let the good vibes flow. David is in Bolivia to buy and immediately sell a rose gold watch.  Guest:    Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @shanetorres See Shane live: shaneisacomedian.com/calendar Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy. Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting things that give us hope. Returning with us today is comedian and enemy of the podcast, Shane Torres. Shane is on tour performing stand-up comedy in a city near you.

You can find all of his upcoming dates at shaneisacomedian.com. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and that's it. It's just the two of us. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, where I left out Sean in the intro as a power move. That was, yeah, it felt powerful. Here I sit. How'd it feel? It was alright. It kind of shook me, but I can handle it. Yeah. I own a home,

so, you know. You own a home. Well, I own a home. Yeah. Somebody's doing the heavy lifting for Sean. They sure are. They sure are. It's Martin Siegles. World's strongest man. Yeah. Is that the guy that moved that tree?

No, that was Hofthar Bjornsson. Yeah. That's the mountain, right? That's the mountain. A lot of people are impressed right now. They're sitting at home. They're like, oh, my God, Ian Carmel knows two of the world's strongest men in succession. And, yeah, I do.

I follow the world's strongest gay on Instagram. He's pretty fun. The world's strongest gay? Now, is that an emotional or a physical strength? I think it's both. Okay. But he is a gigantic man who's always, like, shaking hands with other huge bodybuilders. It's really fun.

Nice. I like that. Yeah. He's always posting pictures of him and his partner and stuff after he deadlifts 600 pounds. It's pretty good. Is his partner a super buff dude, too? Bigger than normal, but not super buff. Okay, yeah yeah it'd be scary to bone someone who just deadlifted 600 pounds i don't know yeah probably it'd be i feel like it'd be interesting to see two super buff dudes fucking or just two super buff anybody fucking like like a car crash every time or or do they also are they

also gentle they must be gentle sometimes. A car crash? It's just so much strength and so much hard body. There's the porn called Hot Guys Fuck and it's just buff dudes. It's like porn for women where like the guys are the attractive part.

It's not just some sloppy dude with a bracelet on. It's like an actual shredded up college football player looking dude or something. Anyway. If you're a buff person who fucks another buff person, hit us up at at Shane Torres on Twitter and let us know how that's going. Yeah. Or Instagram. The pictures will, you know.

I'll be able to judge better. I'm just interested in the physics of it. I'm interested in the recuperation. I imagine it starts a lot like a leak in a dam very slowly, but then it's just a flood of power. Yeah. It would be. It would be hard.

It would be hard. It's hard bodies, dude. So we're right off to the races, huh? I had one of those Sour Patch Kids energy drinks. Let's settle in. There it is. Man. Sean texted me a picture of him drinking.

It was called Ghost? Yeah. It's Redberry Ghost Sour Patch energy drink. Which is, I imagine, what it turns you into if you have multiple. It was more like grossed. Huh? Why do you do this? We are off to the races.

It's... Why not? I have a Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew in the fridge, Shane. What? One of those Flamin' Hot a flaming hot mountain dew in the fridge shane what one of those flaming hot cheetos mountain dews in the fridge that's a thing yeah i didn't know it someone sent it to me in the mail i got cheetos mac and cheese the other day i'm just kind of what are you diving into this like what you're doing now that you're a dad well ian recommended strongly that i get like what you're moving into is like novelty foods you want ian called him extreme foods he said i should get into extreme foods ian's being nice no i said i didn't say

you should get into extreme foods i said if you're going to do this you should you should make a video series or something like that and try to get something out of it yeah because it's it's taking from you if you're going to shred your colon you might as well like have and try to get something out of it yeah because it's it's taking from you if you're going to shred your colon you might as well like have a patreon to go along with it yeah doesn't it doesn't hurt my colon i want that black mountain dew you guys see the black mountain dew that's going to be a buffalo wild wings no yeah that's it it's called like invincible or some shit no it's not it's black something like yeah it's like coke it looks like coke like black mountain dew that's what you want what do you think is going to be different about it nothing mountain dew is dope

what do i need to be different it's going to be black and i'll have some wings with it they sent a bunch of hard mountain dew did i talk about this already they sent a bunch of hard did you try it no well you might as well just save it for your wedding or the next time i'm down there because i want to try it desperately they only sent four cans of it. They sent it in four cans in a giant package like it was in an attache case. You know what I mean? Like someone was getting delivered.

Did Korten do it like Popeye, like right before recording? Korten didn't have any of it. Buzzball sent us a ton of alcohol and Korten had a couple of Buzzballs. That's the cocktail in a can, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Can we talk about how the beverage world is out of control? Did we already talk about this once before? I don't think we have, but it's fucking... You can't talk about how the beverage world is out of control did we already talk about this once before i don't think we have but it's fucking talk about it enough it's out of control it pabst is making hard coffees and oh yeah topo chico used to be this like really refreshing treat and now they're making fucking white claw and i also amazing i had i went to glitter wizard the other night and and it's a band. What is it? Oh, great. They were amazing.

But I saw or I had one of those Topo Chico's and they are. It tasted like key lime pie. It was so good. I don't want that. No. Dangerous. Well, same thing with those PBR coffee. It's going to be crazy if Sean ends up being the fattest one out of all of us.

Somehow he's going to tortoise and hare the fucking race to diabetes is what's going to happen. I don't know how I did it, Doc. I've been like 180 for the last several years. And then you're going to walk home and open your door, and it's going to open slowly because of the mountain of sour patch kids related ephemera that aren't even sour patch kids. You're going to have a chair,

like a dad chair, and it's going to have crumbs and your ass groove will be in it. I only, to be fair, I only had about four drinks of that Sour Patch Kid thing. It was really gross. Maxine's going to be going to school with a backpack that you bought

with Sour Patch Bucks. You know what I mean? Instead of Marlboro Miles? Instead of Marlboro Bucks. Oh my God, they'd be tight. She just has like a Sour Patch Kid sleeping bag. It's like a big Sour Patch Bucks, you know what I mean? Instead of Marlboro Miles? Instead of Marlboro Bucks. Oh my God, they'd be tight. She just has like a Sour Patch Kid sleeping bag. It's like a big Sour Patch Kid. Like, yeah, my dad's got a problem,

but you know, it helps me at sleepovers. Hopefully that's our generations like Sigs that they can't believe. They're like, yeah, my dad was just eating Sour Patch Kids all the time. It was crazy, but they didn't know. They're, oh gosh. I think Tori had a Marlboro Miles tent

and that was always such a buck thing. My dad had quite a few Marlboro Miles. Yeah. Just pieces of paraphernalia. Yeah, I can imagine that. Smirnoff wasn't giving him Smirnoff bucks. So he had to get, he had to use his Marlboro Miles, but he would get like jackets and stuff.

You're like, you have a marlboro jacket that's gross you don't see that anymore people don't right or am i just look am i in the wrong spots i thought of jamelle johnson who might be wearing one i don't really think a sparks he is the coolest man he's such an i i cool like in the way where you're like, oh, that guy's cool. But also just just a cool guy. Yeah. Fun to talk to. I light up when I see him.

One of those people where you see him, you're like, oh, yeah, he's going to be better. Super great. Yeah. Do you know Jake Head? Do you guys know him? No. He's like a Florida comic. Lived in New York for a while.

He had this story about how his dad smoked so much he got enough Marlboro miles to get a generator. And and then. Is he serious yeah and then when ike hit florida or some other hurricane it saved their lives that's wild he's like you just think you smoked enough to save your family from a natural disaster it's so crazy to think about because you had to like you had to get them off cartons right or did they have them on packs? No, they had them on packs. I can't remember. They had them in packs because I used to try and do it for like 20 minutes. I was collecting Marlboro Miles when I was like 14.

I have a Frito-Lay earthquake kit here. I'm hoping to get the same thing out. I have a Mountain Dew fire extinguisher. It's just full of more Frito-Lay products, but that'll get me through in a quick. Yeah, it'll get you through. It won't go bad, that's for sure. Absolutely not.

It just gets more oily. Yeah, I was going to like trapped in a cave or sitting in my backyard, I can still eat some Fritos. It's not, you know, it's just fine. That guy down in Fritos is Sean Jordan. Sean Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan, if you can believe that, on Instagram.

Hey, man. I'll believe it. Sure. Yeah. I'll believe anything. Hey, I'm going to crack open the door behind me. You keep talking, bud. Well, I'll be in Salem on March 19th.

Capital Theater? At the Infinity Room. The Infinity Room. The Capital Theater, I think, is defunct or gone. Okay. I think they moved to the Infinity Room. Well, the Infinity Room, March 19th. Sean, what are you doing there, Sean?

I'm doing some stand-up comedy. It's hard to host, isn't it? No, I'm not hosting. I'm bouncing things off. You're fine. I'm doing stand-up comedy at the Infinity Room. And I think that's it. Sean's back to hosting?

You're back to emceeing? You got busted back down? Shane goes, what are you doing at the Infinity Room, Sean? March 19th. 19th i was like it's hard to host isn't it it's tricky not for me oh to host the podcast yeah it's hard it's harder than anybody would think it's one of the hardest things you can do i have a tough time uh but anyway doing stand-up and then i think just local stuff i don't know shows here and there. Getting ready for this wedding, dude. How's that coming? Did you get your suit yet?

No. Maybe I'll come up next weekend, dude. I'm here. I'm a psycho, dude. I might fly up next weekend. Just do it on a Tuesday evening. Get up there at like 4 o'clock. Get the suit. Have a steak dinner. Get back on an 11 o'clock

flight down to LA. You're home by 1am. The Joker. Show up late to work the next day. Show up dressed like the Joker, dude. The Joker, dude. I'll tell you this. Go ahead, Shane. I saw the new Batman. I did too. I saw the Batman.

Try not to wreck it, but talk about it if you want. Sean accidentally bought tickets to The Bateman where it was just Justine Bateman solving crime. Yeah, it's Justine Bateman. The Bateman is just Jason Bateman doing all the parts of Ozarks in a dark room.

Yeah. Yeah, which is... In a darker room than in Ozark? Than in the Ozarks. Ozark is the dark, like more like oh dark you can use that give me credit you're saying it like you're 80 by the way you keep calling it you just called it the ozarks twice it's ozark is it is it that it you sound like one of those one of those old people is it just one is it not plural i think it's ozark The show is called Ozark. The Ozarks is the mountain range or lakes, whatever area, region. I'll tell you this.

When you're planning a wedding, I've never said that's how they get you so much. Oh, yeah. But it is such a racket. There is no that. It's those. They get you. All they do is get you. Event insurance.

Yep. There's contracts, all these where you're like what we haven't even gotten to my fee yet oh my gosh 15 grand i have to i have to reattach all the skin they cut off when i got circumcised right i have to like burn it on is that part of my fee or is that part of the wedding what do we that That's part of the after party, man. After Laura goes to bed, it's going to get wild. It's a campground, you know. It's just, it's like, it's way tougher than you think it's, than I thought it was going to be.

It's like definitely for other people. Like the ceremony's for you, but this seems like the wedding is to facilitate everybody being in around yeah which is fine i mean i'm not coming to say see you say nice things to laura i'm coming to get shit faced with the internet suit like yeah yeah let's like this should be let's be like i'm happy for you and i'm glad it looks like things are going to be okay for you but um it didn't for a while but i'm i'm telling you right now sean if this bar is got like a weird you can only have three beers kind of thing, I'm going to be so fucking mad. If you're handing out

drink tickets, it's like I'm going to be fucking living. Yeah, what's the situation there? Have you figured it out yet? Is it an open bar? Yeah. It's just beer and seltzer. Beer and wine and stuff. I'm bringing a bottle. Yeah, me too. Of course you are. Okay. Well,. I'm bringing a bottle. Yeah, me too. Well, of course you are.

Okay. Well, I've been to a wedding. I'm going to tip one back with the general is what I'm going to do. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm going to talk about Vietnam with him. I'm going to wear smoked lens sunglasses. I might show up in fatigues I have rented.

Yeah. Just go to an army surplus store and get like a get like a world war one uniform or something and wear that i'm gonna dress like i'm in the italian air force like the red baron was he italian no no i think it was no no i don't know i think it was german oh yeah sorry it's so they weren't no they weren't nazis oh okay what i thought they were hand in hand oh well they were budding they were getting there anyway he was german everything's everything's going uh swimmingly it's a little crunched i'll say that we're crunching it because we had a baby and bought a house before the wedding so yeah you did basically crunching you did basically had a baby and bought a house before the wedding. Yeah, you did basically. Crunching.

You did basically the three most expensive things people do in their lives. If you were sending your baby to college already, you'd have complete, you'd hit for the cycle. As it stands, she has a college fund. We'll see. We'll see how long that lasts. I think you should encourage everyone to bring a bottle of liquor and a Panera Bread sandwich and just take care of it yourselves. You know what I mean? Weddings.

Okay. bottle of liquor and a panera bread sandwich and just take care of it yourselves you know weddings okay yeah like when your friends are all older and everything it's like it's weird the way we still do it figure it out it's okay the amount of my and i i understand you have to i get it like they want to know where people are saying but in my mind i'm like figure it out just you know if and also if i showed up to a wedding this is just me i've said this so many times in the last month if i showed up and there wasn't like a dope dinner i'd be like that's fine i'm an adult i'm gonna figure out how to eat i'll bring or i just won't it's a it's a night it's not a big deal none of it should be as big of a deal as it is the fact that you're like doing a lot of the coordinating for coordinators is what's frustrating about it like yeah wild dude yeah and i barely i have done virtually nothing.

Laura has done, I swear to God, everything. I'm still like, this is a lot of work. Imagine if I was doing any of the actual work. We knew who was doing things. I know you knew. Dickhead. They knew too. We got a planner.

We have one too, but you have to give all the... You give all the info's you like give that all the info and then i'm like yeah let's just step back and hope it gets done but then in the back of your mind you still gotta check in yeah it's it's a weird thing it's dope i'm excited for everyone to be together it's just that's all i care about it's gonna be fantastic all i care about yeah can you believe it dude i'm gonna be crying i i talked to our our uh the guy who's live streaming it and i was like there needs to be an option for me to play a video if i'm crying too hard to talk because i really think i might be i really honestly think i might be you'll be fine it'll be fine i don't know man i really don't know i the fact that if laura's crying a lot of times

it helps me not so hopefully she's crying and then i'll be all right has she have you does she cry no she's a stoic yeah individual she's a very um put together beauty yeah yeah i'm not i'm a sloppy mess so we'll see but i'm excited i'm excited oh yeah no she's she's a pine tree and you're the uh you're the gust of wind full of daffodil petals blowing around her absolutely we understand your relationship yeah yeah yeah she is the mighty oak and you are the cherry blossoms that surround her absolutely yeah i'm the gin blossoms no the gin blossoms dude yeah well yeah that too probably you might you might have some gin blossoms the next day yeah i might our our our our guest now you have questions uh why why isn't everything bagel is we're still doing this not the

same as a regular as a regular bagel you have that question our guest has the answer was there a riot happening in a new york deli when that happened is that why everybody was riding and you're like this would be a great stand-up bit because I need to calm down this fiery situation. And this is the last time we're going to fucking talk about this. No, it isn't. We're talking about it more in the next hour. I know. First of all,

people love that bit. Secondly, people love you. Maybe. I love you to bits, but that bit can fuck off. That bit... I'll say this. You bring it up enough so much, kind of

like a little fat kid who pretends like, I don't like this girl, and then pulls her hair because he likes her. That's what this bit is. You guys... Yeah, Sean. I assure you it's not. It's just Sean. It's just Sean. i assure you that's not the case yeah so it's a bit of a thinker for you so i can understand why you couldn't get through it is not no it's a pretty simple premise well the word every the word everything implies that

there would be more than just caraway seeds poppy seeds sort of a roasted onion and salt sesame seeds salt yeah it's like... Yeah, I'm right. This bit works. No, I will tell you this. There's too much going on with that everything bagel. I don't need that. I just had one.

I have in my life gotten to the point where I just have a sesame seed bagel. I go garlic. I prefer it. I prefer a sesame seed bagel. I love an everything bagel. Again, this is all just going to be a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy but there's not enough going on you love you know what the bit is everybody loves it it's great bit maybe maybe my second

most famous bit uh sean how many famous bits do you have? Secondly, I don't have any. Not yet, but you will. Well, don't be nice afterwards that it makes me feel bad. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you just hurt my feelings and not find a way to retaliate. Secondly, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was just saying it's a bad bit that you wrote. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings at all.

I was just telling you something you made sucks. It's just a stupid joke is all. People like it. I know that. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. A lot of people liked Hitler, too.

Yeah. Adolf Hitler. Not the people who like this bagel bit, though. Ah. There he is. Ah. That's the guy. That's the fucking guy.

That's the guy. That's the golden glove. That's the golden. That's the fucking guy. That's Golden Glove. That's the Golden Glove. How long did you tell us you were a Golden Gloves boxer before anybody even thought to question it? How long have we been friends? I don't even know if you've said, if you've denied it yet. 12 years?

13 years? Yeah, probably 12 years. 13 years. Deny it. Do it right now. No, I'm actually training again with a boxing coach there's no way i can believe you his name's sergio he was a boxer yeah his his name's sergio stop it tell me something where's sergio from he's from uh i think he's from harlem liar he's a real person in the gym he's also a a real person. What's the name of the gym? He's also a comic. That's how I met him.

What's the name of the gym? Overthrow Boxing. Nine Bleeker. Why do you keep looking up? And I didn't ask you the address. Too many details. That's a lie. No.

I'm serious. If someone asks you a question and you give them details they didn't ask for, you're lying. Think about it. Like when your parents ask you, like, where were you? And you're like, well, I was over at Smith's. Well, I stopped at Nick's first. and then i went to the gas station i got a couple red bulls and then i forgot my wallet in the gas station so i went giving nine details he said what's the name of the gym hey all you have to do is look up overthrow boxing and the address and

you can be proven wrong also there's not a story where you buy red bulls that i don't believe sean yeah that's also another fucking thing especially if it's some kind of novelty Red Bull. It's Sour Patch Red Bull. I'll fly to New York and square up, see what time it is for myself. Yeah, if you fucking square on your ass, you do that. Dot your I's and cross your T's, you big dickhead. That was a pat, Jordan. I'll dot your I's and cross your T's, bud.

Couldn't take me to a movie if I bought the tickets. I'll dot your I's and cross your T's, bud. Couldn't take me to a movie if I bought the tickets. Shane, where are you performing? Where can people come see you soon? This comes out next Thursday, the 10th. Okay, I will be in Providence at the Comedy Connection the day this airs for Thursday through Saturday. Yeah, in Providence, Dan. Brown University. Dana Schwartz alumni. Oh, really? Yeah. connection the day this airs for thursday through saturday then some providence brown brown university yeah danish warts alumni oh really yeah all right well i'll go by and say hi to

everyone for she's the best of us yeah yes well for sure she's not playing a comedy club that used to be a bank vault uh that'll be the second one as in as in as many weeks truly that i've done that's uh uh third third one this year a comedy club that used to be a bank vault is that a thing i don't know if it's a i mean it's a thing that works like that people do oh yeah it's just gone from storing one kind of gold to another you know what i mean talking about how and everything bagels the who saw that coming right away uh and then i'll be at south by southwest uh a week from today 13 14 15 and then um after that uh san francisco punchline so come hang out oh when are you gonna be in san francisco mid-april so yeah so i'll around to get tickets for that. And then Kyle

Kanan and I's podcast is finally coming out. Oh! The No Accounting for Taste podcast will be out probably by the end of the month. We finally did everything we're supposed to do. Fantastic. I can't wait to hear you listen to that. It took slightly longer than a pandemic

for us to make seven episodes. It has been longer than covet huh no it started during covet but it is okay pretty god it took us a long time yeah why did it take what what was the what was the process we know how james cameron took so long to make avatar it's kind of like that oh because he won't he had to invent the technology he was going to use to film it yeah well and then kyle and i have to swear because we can't get our earbuds to connect to our MacBooks. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty similar.

And then good friend Charlene Connolly walks us all through it. Perfect. Then we're very mad. I'd love to hear you two Christmas story swearing that whole time. It's pretty hilarious. That's actually what the Patreon is going to be. Kyle probably had to get up and leave a few times. He did.

Today he left and did a bunch of chin-ups. He can do chin-ups? Yeah. Kyle's pretty fit. You know, he does the BMX stuff. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It is crazy.

He's in really good shape. He's actually kind of built like a small flyweight boxer because he's not that muscular, but he's very lean. You know about that because of your gold glove days. Right here, baby. Nine bleak right hand they call doom. What's the left hand called?

Pinky kisses. Mwah. Yeah, mwah. Hey, stay away from his left. I stick people with it and they're like a little italian jewelry hitting him again look at that that's weird looking all right sean is putting his pinky finger in the camera and it makes it look long italian jewelry is that like jewish lightning jew i was saying because like pinky kisses pinky ring italian pinky i like it yeah yeah it's a little bit of a jump jewish lightning insurance fraud setting your

own business on fire i can say that now don't go anywhere you said a real thing yeah thanks for teaching me something every time it makes me a worse person all these all these hilarious things i can't say what are we doing now if you're going to sprinkle that into a conversation, make sure it's not being recorded like this one is. My name is Ian Carmel at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on Jewish Lightning app.

Oh boy. Yeah. I'll do it for you. So that project I was teasing has now been delayed indefinitely. So hopefully you'll be able to see it at one point. But until that happens, I mean, that's the fucking biz, baby. That's Hollywood.

It sure is. Until then, I'm still on The Late Late Show with James Corden. With James Corden. As the sidekick. And I'm still on All Fans Say Everything, a podcast you can download. Damn near anywhere. Pert near anywhere. Except for Bolivia. It's like a no fly no fly zone it's like all the way up to the moon he is david and marissa are actually in bolivia together house

shopping diplomatic issues they've been spending so much time there well you know it's their summer home yes just smuggling rare rare ivories out of bolivia. Ivories? Rare ivory? Mouse ivory. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of people know it, but mice have ivory, a little chunk of ivory in their butt. And Dave and Marissa go down to Bolivia and get it out. Their tails are ivory.

Tail, yeah. Sergio, I'll teach you that. He's real. I'm boxing. I don't know what to say to you besides like this. Hey, I'll see you at 9 Bleeker. I get it. I know the address. See me at 9 Bleeker. I'm boxing. I don't know what to say to you besides this. Hey, I'll see you at 9 Bleeker. I get it. I know the address.

See me at 9 Bleeker. See what happens. Catch me outside or whatever. I'll see you when I see you. If you want someone to make a scene at your wedding, I'll be the guy who does it. You know what? I don't need D12 when I see you. It's me and you only.

All right? I'm going to tell Bizarre to sit down. Is D12 Eminem's rap group? Yeah, he's got a song where he's like uh talking about how when he sees when i see you i'm seeing you me and you only thank you d12 but me need no help me do this one i'll buy my lonely i don't need 16 of my homies anyway i'm doing that at your wedding dude that thing we're pulling his finger off i'm pulling the front of my finger off you're pretty good at it i'll probably open the ceremony with a little bit of if you open if you

open the ceremony with that i will be so fucking happy yeah just a little bit of that if you open the ceremony with that I will be so fucking happy yeah just a little bit of that you're gonna have a lav mic on there's a way to get everyone's attention I remember seeing we were doing Bumbershoot and there was a Bumbershoot after show at Chop Suey on Capitol Hill and it was loud because it was like a combination

after party and show and all these comedians were going up there and couldn't fight the crowd and Tig Notaro went up There and won the crowd over By being quiet Making them lean in and that's what I'm going to Do with sort of some Close up magic

Man that was that time I forget the guy's name But he took his first dab You remember that? No I forgot his name but he Probably good I don't remember his name but he took it to have and just lost his mind in the back of the room he's like laying on the ground screaming oh i remember that but not in a not in a help me way he was he was it's hard to explain it was like he was like what does anything mean who are we yes yeah yes you

know you know who it was right we might want to bleep this i have remembered i don't believe we just don't long enough yeah i do remember who it was who was it oh old doug gale it was doug gale oh doug gale that's doug rules doug rules but it was just one of those where it's like he just got a little twisted that night yeah yeah no it happens to happens to all of us i'll tell you what probably one of the main reasons i never still have and probably never will ever do a dab i just don't think i can handle your father now you can't yeah it'd be might be surprised i think i'm a chip off the old block so i'll do what i want you do not do a dab i won't i never do not do a dab my friend no you can do well you can do that kind of dab no i'd

never i would never i there was like a year where I honestly thought I could do it, but then I just. Yeah, I don't think I can do it. There was a year I thought I could take a dab. What does that mean? For those of you who don't know, a dab is like the purest form of marijuana THC distilled into a wax that you heat up a nail and smoke. It's horrible. It sounds insane. It's like when weed doesn't affect you anymore.

And you, Sean, who can't smoke weed at all. Boy, I can't. Trouble. Yeah, I'm not doing a dab. Yeah, okay, good. I don't have any dates at all. Oh, I'm doing Faded on the 25th of March, unless that's the weekend I come up to Portland to buy.

I'll be gone that weekend. You will? I will. You might need to fly down here, or you might just need to go get a suit. I want to go with you. We'll talk about it off the podcast, but the clock is running out.

I know. It's tough. We'll figure it out. Okay, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. I will say this, speaking of tour dates, my girl went and saw Sean in Rochester.

What a wild thing that was. She said he was great. Also, made me sick to my stomach, said he's so handsome. I fucking almost threw up. I was actually livid. That's a wild thing to say i will tell you like he's really handsome

and i was like i hope we break up soon like we clearly don't want the same things uh yeah that was funny shane said he almost barfed in his uber and i'm like you're probably about to barf anyway but yeah probably but it was pretty i could not fucking believe she had the gall to say that to me uh we were playing that what's that game called where you sounds like it's not a game where you pound a nail into a stump it's like hammer flogging or something what it's it's a game yeah yes so at this bar they had a giant they have a slew of like giant tree stumps you take a nail this is at this bar, they have a slew of giant tree stumps. You take a nail.

This is inside a bar where they serve alcohol. I was shocked. There's just a box of nails and a big hammer. You pound the nail in just enough so it stays up, and then you really just try to flush it as quick as you can. You get one hit each, and it goes around in a circle, and then whoever flushes the nail first wins. It's hard.

But you each all have your own nail or you're all hitting the same nail? You each have your own nail with one hammer so you just pass it around. Like playing pass the shit but it's a hammer and nail instead of a bottle of Jameson. They're just out here with loose hammers at the bar in Minnesota?

I was holding it up and I was like... Sean's a loose hammer at a bar. I'll tell you, loose hammered at the bar. What if somebody gets upset with this hammer in there? It's just like, at the very least, they could throw it through a window or something. It's like a worse version of the punching bag thing. God, that punching bag thing.

That's where every... If you wanted to find the dickheads at the fair, you didn't have to look hard, but you go to that thing. My God, it was a straight-up dickhead convention. Just all these dudes punching you know what i'm talking about yeah you know what i'm talking about because you pushed me into one one time we were 21st bar and grill and i was hitting it harder than both of you

and one of you i went to i was punching and one of you just gave me a little push as i was punching and i slid under the table you remember that yeah i remember that i slid under the table and i got up and I was like, what the hell are you doing? You're like, I didn't mean to. I said, man, if you knew how to box, you'd have had your footing right. But that never would have happened.

But you got turned around. Nine bleaker, man. I got to go see Sergio. I got to talk to your boy. Yeah, he'll put you on your ass. Yeah. Put you on your ass. Put you on your fucking ass.

Put you on your fucking ass. Everything. Put everything big on your ass. The Batman was pretty good, huh? Damn it, dude. I thought I liked it. Had a couple twists in it I didn't see coming. There were some twists. There were some turns.

He was super emo, which I really liked. There was some twisted and there were some turn of kits full twisted soundtrack batman's never been as emo as he should be like he's always kind of brooding but robert patson looks like he's really like i don't know whatever just like looking at the ground kind of guy my buddy said it should have been called batman has a rough day at work because he seems a lot a lot less invincible in this one. Yeah, that

was my favorite thing. I'm like, oh, that looks like it hurts. Yeah, it should. He does not have superpowers. His shit's not super clean. You know, like when he fucks up, it's like it's pretty funny, honestly. Yeah. Dude, what about Colin Farrell? I mean, I've seen images. You can't even tell it's him. If you didn't know that was him. It's amazing. I didn't know either.

And Paul Dano. I haven't seen Paul Dano in anything in a long time, and I'm so excited to see his riddler you see him socially all the time right you and paul danno go out and like buy rare books and drink expensive tea burn them no we burn them out front of powells tell people the reading readings for dorks we just stand there with we got those hoodies with no sleeves that bodybuilders wear and we just we burn we burn books and we're like it's for dorks. We just bought them and then acted like dorks for a minute and it was fun. Then we just burn them. Then we lift weights.

We have crosses on our pockets on our jeans. It's just kind of like a bodybuilders for Christ sort of aesthetic, but you're burning books? What is going on with those hoodies with no sleeves? What are we doing? They're for arm dudes. Yeah, I'll tell you, man. We wear them all the time at 9-League.

They're for arm. Did you say they're for arm dudes? Yeah, they're for arm dudes. Dudes with arms. Glimmer muscle guys. Yeah. Right. The people who aren't, like, I'm in the barn fucking throwing hay bales, picking up, yoking

myself to, like, a cart and shit. You know, I'm doing, like. Flipping a tire down. But if you're, like, doing curls for the girls, you know what I mean? Like, fine. Get one of those. Pumps to hump. That's not what you need you know like yeah i don't know how many times you do this a curling motion on the football field i don't know why we're spending a lot of time doing it in the weight room appreciate functional fitness that's what you need cowboys

strong i didn't have to lift man this is This is God-given. Me and Bobby Miles. Yeah. There you go. I was going to say, what are you looking at your phone? That was supposed to hit a little harder with you. Yeah, well, make it a better joke. What if Bobby Miles had salt and poppy seeds and pepper and garlic and bacon bits on him?

He would have made it to the league and been just fine. You have to call him an everything Miles. An everything Miles. Instead of what he is, which is just boobs. I guess he has boobs. Two perfect breasts. He wears those sweatshirts

without the sleeves to show. Some people wear them for boobs. Yeah. It's a boob thing too. It's for arm guys and boob guys. We're getting here today not only to talk about booby miles but also to fantasy draft things that give us hope it can feel very hopeless out there these days and so shane thought you know we should draft things that give us hope is that about an app summation of what what's going on here i think that's about right and honestly who would have

thought i would be the guy who thinks of that oh yeah but i would have you're hopeful you're a hopeful gentleman okay that's all this is good this is good stuff you guys usually think i'm pretty grim so this is like when mark maron and louis were talking that one time uh-huh this is a scintillating podcast hard hitting hard i don't know what you want from me nothing man simmering yeah sorry you can't bring up the bagel bed all the time boiling right the pot is boiling bring it up enough we got a hot pot all you gotta do is stick the ham in ham in a hot pot i don't know all you gotta do is stick the ham in yeah i i don't know do you do you think you're a hopeful person what do you are

you an optimist a pessimist where do you find yourself i need more of it these days i think like so no matter who you are you know i try i tend to be negative but i'm not without hope i guess is what like i i have. My philosophy is prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It's kind of like how you could sum up my general disposition. Well, you have a sleeveless hoodie that says pray for peace, prepare for war

on the back, right? Yes. I got the arms to go. You're wearing it right now. People don't know that. This is an audio medium, but yeah, you're wearing a hoodie that says, pray for peace, prepare for war on the back and a hat that says, kill all child molesters on it.

And then you have those sweatpants you got when you bought your Hummer that say Hummer down the side on the right leg and then Mary fuck killed on the left leg. And then it's got a picture of triplets so we don't know what's going on and my favorite song is playing and it just says the antwans cut my life into pieces this is shane's you dub over it this is shane's last resort you remember those sweatpants that said hummer down the side i used to have a bit about them but uh they're just dudes that

bought hummers they would have sweatpants that said Hummer down the side? I used to have a bit about them, but they're just dudes that bought Hummers. They would have sweatpants that said Hummer down the side. I think so. I vaguely remember this. This sounds like something you would remember. This is not far from novelty Mountain Dew behavior, to be honest. No, they live in the same subdivision. I'll tell you that.

Who has a home in that subdivision now? I do. You drink the beverage equivalent of Hummer sweatpants. If you think for a second I will see a Mountain Dew that I've never had and not buy it immediately, you're sadly mistaken. No, that's fair. Immediately. Not saying I'm going to drink

it immediately, but I will have it in the quiver. Honestly, I don't see you having the discipline to wait for a special occasion to have a novelty Mountain Dew. What's that? That Flamin' Hot Cheeto one in the fridge for a while. That's the special occasion, is the Mountain Dew. You just made your own special occasion.

The black hole swallowed itself on that one. Now, Sean, you're a pretty optimistic person. Is that right? But you're an anxious person. What's really going on? I don't know. What's really going on with you? I am wildly anxious, though.

And I don't quite know why and I I've never looked into medication or anything it's only been in the last ah it's probably been forever I've only noticed in the last like five six years though I don't know what happened but something happened one thing I've realized is that I was self-medicating with so many different things that I was anxious the entire time but I was like self-medicating with so many different things. That I was anxious the entire time. But I was like self-medicating with like eating and drinking too much. And like all these different things. Rather than dealing with the anxiety. Yeah.

Or distracting. You know like anything to like address it. So now that you probably drink a little less. And that you're a little more of a stable person. You notice that anxiety a little more. Because you're not coping with it in the same ways. But you haven't replaced those coping mechanisms nor have i fully with healthy ways to cope meditation and therapy and exercise and all those different things you know where you

probably feel less anxious when you do those things i do i feel i mean i've been skating like crazy but that wasn't like an act that was that came off more like a you haven't been doing this and i didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that. Nobody thinks it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Since Max, it's given me less reason to be anxious. Because there's really, all the stuff that I was anxious about, it pales in comparison to her. I just, you know, I focus on her.

That helps me manage my anxiety. That's interesting. I don't really care too much about the other things because before it was a lot of like are my friends mad at me and we are uh am i doing what i should be doing in life and like obviously i still worry about that but as long as she's okay every day than that then i'm doing what i should be doing so it's helped nice which is weird having a kid yeah that's great that is I would not think that would not be the effect I would anticipate it having on me me either 10 years ago I'll tell you that

then he started bodybuilding for Christ and he turned a page it was a heavy page so he had to hit the gym first I needed some help I needed another set of footprints to help me turn that page you know what I mean thank god she came down and helped me.

Nice, dude. Jesus is a woman now? Yeah. All right. Yeah. Jesus always has been a woman. There's no debate. Oh, my bad.

Yeah. She's a Brazilian woman. When another set of footprints helped you. A beautiful. Tan. A beautiful Brazilian woman. Jesus is a swarthy Brazilian woman. Jesus is a swarthy Brazilian woman. Fluent in Italian.

Wow. And Portuguese. And Portuguese. She's military. Air Force? I said military. I might have known her. She was in the Italian Air Force.

I might have known her. Yeah, yeah. As far as your father-in-law is concerned. Yeah, do you know Fabiana? Do you know Fabiana? What's her last name? Christ. The way we determined the order of the drafts, it's a rollicking game of rock, paper,

scissors. Put a lid on it, Torres. Play between the two of you and we throw and shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot! Ooh, Shane wins. Weak. rock over scissors dude the rock obama over there my gears were turning i fucking hate that it has been coming upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what does does that mean? Oh, David, wow. It's so crazy you're here. What does that mean? I was picking weeds. And it's like

for me, if I'm picking weeds or doing anything in the yard, I like to go, I have to section it off. So with the weeds, I was going in a line. So I started on the right, went all the way to the left, went up a little bit, and then picked weeds all the way to the right, and then went up a little bit, all the way to the left, up a little bit, all the way to the left, went up a little bit, and then picked weeds all the way to the right, and then went up a little bit all the way to the left, up a little bit all the way to the right,

until the compost bin is full of weeds that I picked. Pretty much sums it up. Basically what it means is you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, Shane, with that in mind, Big Cranberry, what will the order of today's draft be?

In Sean Shane is the order of today's draft be? Ian, Sean, Shane is the order we're going in. Wow. Wow, you got the hot corner. Ian Carmel is first. Rare. Spark the bowl, Cartwheel. A rarity, dude. Well, I will. I'll get to my first pick and the things that give us hope. All Fantasy

Everything Fantasy Draft right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by babble uh if you want to learn a new language the best way is to uproot your entire life you drop everything you're doing just go to a brand new country you figure it out from there but this isn't the talented mr ripley all right you're not jason bourne you can't do that two damon movies i'm out here obviously you're not ready for that, but you still want to learn a new language because everyone in the world knows new languages. They know multiple languages and we all only know one.

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get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash all fantasy spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. And we're back! Uh-oh, wacky dad. Wacky host. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. The only podcast that has ever existed.

Except for voice. What? No, go ahead. What is the name of your podcast, Shane? You didn't even say it. I did. No accounting for taste. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. I thought you were talking about your hat. My fault. Yeah, dude. Sean got one. All right. That's two. That's both barrels if we're keeping track.

I told you about Wacky Dad, right? Like sometimes when I wake Max up, I'll go in and be Wacky Dad and I'll be walking around like this. Yeah. Like, it's Wacky Dad. It's the kind of shit you got to do if you want to have a healthy family life. She probably loves it. I'm sure she does. Yeah.

My dad was doing that because he was drunk at a bar in California and nowhere around me, but still doing the same thing. Putting a lampshade on his ass. Yeah. Helling out Wacky Dad, getting kicked out of the room. Yeah. Putting a lampshade on his ass, playing Rolling wacky dad getting kicked out of the room yeah playing putting lampshade on his desk playing rolling stone street fighting on a jukebox i can get up for some of that you know i've lived i've lived next to the roost for like

a year and a half now and i haven't been to it the entire time i've lived here well what are you gonna do go down there for like a midday i went there during the day one time it is not uh no that's not where you want to be because you can't tell it's the daytime it's one of those crazy places where when the second you go in yeah and uh and like it's like a movie theater at three o'clock three o'clock in the afternoon you come out at 5 30 and it's dark yeah yeah like filipino anton sugar shuts the door and then he just stands in front of it and you're like well time the clock just starts spinning around real quick like you're in Beetlejuice or something.

That's by design. Yeah. Yeah. That being said, I do want to go there again at some point. One day, dude. Fly down here. Fly down tonight. I want to.

We'll go. Bring your baby. Bring Maxine, dude. That won't be the first time a baby's been at the roost. It'll be the first time the baby hasn't been drinking. I'd be shocked if there's not a baby there all the time yeah it's probably working yeah well heck look at that speaking of looking at the time look at the time it's time for my first pick and the things that give us hope he's out here on fantasy everything draft i uh

okay okay here's the thing that gives me hope this tell me if this is too abstract no if it gives you hope it's not i hope it's not too abstract or too big like of an idea people who make things gives me hope people like this is i think it's maybe too big of an idea like crafts people or just anything crafts Craftspeople. Like meeting people who make stuff, who actually sit down, somebody who makes candles or somebody who makes, somebody who contacts me, they make cutting boards. Yeah.

This might be a weird first pick, but it's like, I love the idea. Maybe like people who make small, like artisanal stuff, but that's not quite the right word. I just love like the idea that there are people who know how to make things who aren't doing it as part of like a massive corporation or anything like that. Like, I know you have to make a living and you have to make money, but like people who just love something. Absolutely. and you have to make money but like people who just love something absolutely i do love like there's something about seeing something get completed yeah that is very valuable to me

and then also i really really like people making things they want to make yeah yeah people like yeah what's the right way to put the people who follow their passion? Maybe. I don't know if that's the, yeah, that's, that's maybe how it becomes a success. It's kind of, yeah. Yeah. I like that. I agree.

Like there's a, there's something that's very cool about seeing somebody who's proud of their work, I guess is what it is. Yeah. Yeah. Completely. People who like do things where the overarching idea behind it isn't to like make money or to cash out you know what i mean like that kind of thing and i say that as someone who had who like for the last eight years has been doing something primarily to make money i like our show yeah i'm proud of a lot

of the stuff we do but it's not it's not like it's the un you know distilled version of my creativity or anything like that and you have to you have to do stuff for money but you started this you started this entire show because you wanted to do it and right and you just thought it'd be fun yeah and it is so seeing people like do stuff that they're passionate about or meeting people who have things that they're like passionate about like it like makes me hopeful because it reminds me of like, I don't know, like something inherently human that I feel like I'm and like I'm a capitalist. Listen, I exist in a capitalist system and I like reap the benefits of it all the time. But like a kind of thing that that like strips away. I get like there's something there's something about people being proud of their work and making things that's very, you can see it.

It's very nice also to see the fulfillment that people have from it. Like when someone deserves, I guess like, I read this in a book this once, but there's nothing very satisfying about seeing someone

enjoy the meal they earned, guess it's like yeah yeah like it's real it's a it's a very it was a this guy was talking about firefighters putting out a fire and one of them was just drinking water and eating sandwich on the side of a fire truck and you could tell he was just like this is great like so yeah i agree there's something to that i think that's an awesome pick yeah dude it's amazing i mean think about it i can't make shit i can't make the people that but this and stand-up comedy i mean that those are things too you know what i mean whatever it is it's like you're doing something you like you like to get you do like to get paid when you perform places but like you weren't like looking at what's going to make me the most money and then you're like picking that kind of thing you know

like yeah we never would have gotten in a comedy if that was the if that was our way into it that's honestly when people dm me or something that's the first thing where i'm like don't you know make sure that you want to do it and like don't plan on making any money maybe eventually you can it'd be dope but probably you know it's you really got to enjoy it yeah because if you don't have another thing for money yeah you don't like it you're to enjoy it. Yeah. Because if you don't... Have another thing for money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't like it, you're going to hate it once you start doing it.

Yeah. You're not going to get paid or anything. The inverse of that is careful what you wish for, kind of. It's got to be fun. You have to, you know, it should be fun. Anyway, yes, I think that is a fantastic pick. I don't think anything on this would be too abstract

because it's you. Yeah, yeah. Hope is a very pick i don't think anything on this would be too abstract because it's yeah yeah yeah yeah that's hope is a very abstract thing so i walked through like the i go to the farmer's market every sunday i'm home with dana and like that you know i just walk by like somebody who sells kimchi that they make and shit like that i'm not like romantic i don't mean to romanticize it because i'm sure it's like hard and like it sucks that they probably like hopefully they have health insurance somehow you know what i mean and like all that all of those things for sure but yeah there is also a reason like i don't think a lot of people go into artisanal jam making because they're like the profit margins are crazy i'm gonna make a fucking bank like they probably just love it they love

doing yeah and i love so i agree with that yeah yeah yeah um yeah so that's my first pick sean jordan time for your next pick something that's given me hope in the last you know since all this is uh protesting i never have really seen it too much before all of this started and then when covet hit in the world stopped and then may of 2020 all the everything with like police brutality and things and people had had a chance to stop you're talking about january 6th right well no that was yeah that's that's the thing you were very into that was just the right way for things to be going that i don't know why they call their protests that's just driving straight down the road to me yeah but it's like everybody had a chance to stop and be like wait no fuck this and uh and did do what they like stand up for themselves and do what they

wanted same thing with happening like what's happening in the ukraine it's like people are stopping and saying fuck that yeah it gives me a ton of hope to see people because we're all so quick to talk and say what we would do fuck yeah i would do this i would do that but to see people doing it is crazy and it does millions of people yeah not a couple and not for a couple days that was happening in portland for for months and people can say like whatever the news will portray it one way but it's like it's just people standing up for what they believe in and it wasn't all violent i mean if they're in. And it wasn't all violent. I mean, in my neighborhood, like once a week,

there was a march down the street. It couldn't have been more peaceful, but it was just people saying, fuck this. I mean, this is the voice we have. I guess we're just gonna use it. And I love it. And it feels like it's empowering people in a way that I've never seen in my lifetime

or that I've cared to notice because everything was so busy. But with COVID, it stopped everything and we could all sit back and I noticed. seen in my lifetime or that i've cared to notice because everything was so busy but with covid it stopped everything and we could all sit back and i noticed and it is very i think that's an awesome pick i think it's it makes me happy just to see people doing it saying speak in their mind we should all be able to do that and do we get the right way too they're not some fucking prick just like yeah yeah i love that and it's not on twitter it's not like it's i mean not whatever if you want to tweet about things it's fine i'm not saying that but it's like out in the streets getting shit done that's buck and yeah actually like

yeah putting your yeah like you said your money where your mouth is just doing it it's easy to say you're gonna do some shit but it's hard to do it i mean i you know you're leaving the house you're like i don't want to go i don't i'll i support but i don't want to go yeah yeah but with this there were millions and millions of people still and now hopefully there's like the they turn the corner where it's like oh well no we can we can say what we want we're out there doing it so it just it makes me hopeful i should say peaceful protesting is what makes me hopeful obviously i don't like seeing violence but yeah i think that's there's something about the communal side of it too that is like everybody together the like-mindedness of it is what is very hopeful to me i didn't meet anyone

in my neighborhood before before that protest down it's like what do i get i'm gonna go knock on the neighbor's door like the marches ever or anything like that a couple yeah i never went downtown because i didn't i honestly think if it weren, if I didn't have a brand new baby, I would have been a little more apt to hop on down there and be like, well, that too, there is something we said, like this is,

that was one of the moments where you're going to look back in history. That was history being made. So it's, I would have, probably would have walked right on down there with Nam Pei and been like, yeah, all right, let's go yeah there's also yeah uh oh shit I forgot what I was gonna say anyway just yeah just protesting it gives me hope it gives me it lets me know that people

aren't just doing whatever I mean I think the thing is like the feeling of like knowing people are kind of like overmatched and still willing to be defiant because it's what they believe in yeah and what is right look at look at what's happening in russia there's people protest russian citizens protesting you know how fucking scary that would be yeah no shit in in russia yeah i mean that would be terrifying and there's thousands of people out and just it's it's hopeful for all the bad that you can think about and like lose faith in people because you have if i don't have faith in people then what's the point of any of this i have to think the people as a whole are good or i do anyways and it's nice seeing that it's like oh

there are people who feel the same way like i feel like i mean imagine yeah that's huge too oppression can feel so isolating and everything like that. Of course. The system is so designed to... The system, dude. The system is like... But it's so designed to crush dissent and everything like that that it's nice to be... You have a football cut. You look like you put one of those bands around the top of your head right now and then

with big hair like football players do. Oh, yeah, dude. Did you ever do that? I mean, you're doing it right now, but it's with headphones where it's like... No, I buzzed. I was a fucking buzz cut, dude. I was, too. I wish it wasn't... I'd say I was, too, like you played that much football. I was a buzz cut guy.

That's all. I'm just saying, a buzz cut guy. I fucking hate how you tried to sneak that in right there. I'll fucking sneak... You could do a buzz cut if you wanted to. Do a buzz cut. Grow your beard out so it doesn't look like you're a uh like a like a cop basically i'd have to yeah long beard buzz cut and then i'd have to change what i'm what makes

me hopeful to a punisher mask with the american flag just grow a little beard out dude you can grow a beard and then get like a tapered fade buzz cut you'd be all right i well we'll see well after after she says i do i'll start playing in Don't you stand up in front of Shane's girlfriend again? Like, let's see what happens. You shut your fucking trap. And I'll just be like, what? Yeah, does it look all right? And then I'll be like, just text Shane.

If it's good, text Shane. If not, then just, you know, leave him hanging. Yeah. Speaking of Shane, Shane, time for your first and second picks, as it is a serpentine draft. For my first pick i'm gonna pick getting fucked uh really uh man that'll really brighten a rainy day i don't know how to say it other than that uh i wanted to man that'll change my outlook real quick i don't know how to say it other than

that um and uh i don't think I really need to explain it, so I'll just move right on to my second pick, Finding Money. Okay, yeah. So you've gone for more visceral ideas here. Yeah, well, I got a couple of poetic ones, but getting fucked and finding money, baby, that's what I do. Shane cashes checks and rains in poop. I heard he can pump. Well, well yeah i heard that boy can pump so he you know he can get pump uh pump and pump up some quarters into his wallet uh i love those things you put change in your wallet yeah i do lots of

things you don't know about what's the most money you've ever found anyway do you uh it literally happened this week where was it it? What was it? Somebody in my family was paying me back some money. I loaned them. And they were like, I don't have Venmo. I have Cash App. And I was like, who the fuck has Cash App? You know, like one of these kind of things.

But whatever. Fine. Right? So I get Cash App. And I forgot I had it before. And I had $1,200 in my Cash App account. Wow. And I was like, all200 in my Cash App account. Wow. And I was like, all right.

Yeah, all right. That is sick. Yeah. Good job. And then I spent it on a plane ticket to Paris. Where are you going to Paris? I'm not going to Paris. I'm thinking, yeah.

I am. Well, that gives me hope, too. Yeah, okay, okay. So getting fucked and finding money. Sean, what's your second pick i don't know a butterfly on the sunset i did how are you why are you ripping through i'm so quick all right all right i'm just saying man i thought i was trying to pick it up we don't these all have to be fucking four hours long dude sean let's just speed around the rest of it go have fun i

don't know i wasn't trying to like overdo it i was just saying i think we know why mine are good like i mean you you guys are very yours are very sweet and tender mine are very shallow and just get the endorphins firing my first one made me sound smart the rest are gonna make me sound like the simple-minded fool that i am the second thing that makes me hopeful getting fucked and finding money i think you have a name for your next album if you want yeah getting fucked and finding money i also like that you phrase it getting fucked that's like not a traditionally masculine thing that's like call it nice though you do get fucked yeah yeah it emphasizes the you laying there of it

all which i imagine is the case for sure is the other part of it i like the second thing we'll go a little more me on this one is uh new movies i like a new movie it because they were they were stalled for a while i'm i'm stressing covet heavily but it just made it's everybody did so much self-reflection but like the fact that movies are getting made again and the simple things in life are huge with me always have been and it's such a simple thing it's such an easy thing and it just makes me so happy i love going to the movies i like going to see a new movie i'm so excited to go see the batman i'm so excited to see maverick when it comes out i just uh i'm happy i like new movies i like them coming out i like the machine working again you know i like entertainment being cranked out and i'm excited

just even i hadn't been to a movie in for real for years other than we rented out for mortal combat but that didn't really count because i was more of a party i went to scream the other day and i was like ah the movies it's so fun it's new shit the movies the movies i agree i like that one pick a lot but i think for me like when i go to the movies and i feel with hope it's just like to turn my head off and not think about anything i'm fucking with for three hours is it makes you like because sometimes you'll watch a movie or a show you but maybe i could be a cowboy and quit comedy like like i don't know like uh you're like i just your escapism yeah and that it does make me

very quite hopeful well you're the cowboy of comedy everybody everybody says yeah a lot of people say that cowboy torres yeah gold chain golden glow golden globes globes golden globes golden globes golden globes cowboy golden globes is what I want. Yeah, dude. Golden lube. Because he fucks with canola oil. I love it. Like, it's so nice that you just, like, you're supposed to put your phone away for two to three hours. Do you know what I mean? Or however long the movie is. I don't understand people who fucking pull their phone out at the movies.

Yeah, you're on that thing all the time. This is, like, a golden opportunity to not have your phone out and to just focus on the thing in front of you. Embrace it. It's insane. Put that shit away. Amen. Put it away. I just like not thinking about missing something out on something on my phone.

Having that another. It's clearly it's just a bigger, more powerful screen that I'm looking at. But at least it's like in charge and I'm not worrying about anything or looking at how many likes a post got yeah plus you got that crawdad trap aspect of it which is you put your phone away for three hours then you get to turn it back on see what you missed that's exciting yes let that let that sensation wash over you that is such a good point that i don't think people quite realize is that it is like if you're that worried about it then let it all smack you in the face at once it's fun like if you tweet or whatever and then you go and watch a movie that's great then you come out and you're like bro and i got some likes

i'm out here tweet january 6th more like january 6th that was awesome send tweet go watch a movie see what happened in three hours we're like january 6th we should all tweet that and then go watch the batman and just come out and see uh who's in the biggest trouble batman dude i went and saw the new scream movie and wrote more like slam stunk contest and uh didn't really get the wave of likes i thought it deserved after the movie, but I still felt pretty good. That's all right. You're not like a traditional sports follow. No, I'm not.

So like, you know, you got to launch. I'm still feeling okay. That was your soft launch in the basketball Twitter. I'm still feeling okay. Movies. What's your next pick? Movies, dude. Sean Jordan loves new movies.

Time for my second and third pick oh here's one this should probably should have been my first pick like again i went so abstract on this i love it history yeah makes me hopeful like there's especially if you like if you if you go online but also if you just like pay attention to the world right now like the news and everything like everything is happening all the time in the world right now there's so much news and there's so much panic and there's so many like opinions and takes and like every like the news is bad like bad shit is happening climate change is horrible and an existential threat and so is artificial intelligence and like plastics and the you know microplastics and like all this there there are

all these like huge horrifying existential threats there are like anxiety typhoons in every fucking place like yes yeah so those things are scary enough on their own and then especially if you go on social media but even if you don't even just like news outlets, take those scary things and whip them up even more. They whip the fuck out of them. They whip them up even more. They make like, they make it even more fucking scary.

They take that shit and they make it even more scary and like anxious and everything. And like, you get to the point where there's people on Twitter saying like, this is the end of humanity. This is the end of life. As we know it, this is like these people like this is the end of life as we know it this is

like these people like really not getting you anywhere spray painting doom into a paper bag and fucking huffing it as much as they can and like listen things are bad we should try to fix them as best we can but like this notion where like there's people who are like i can't imagine having kids right now like what the fuck like yeah eat shit man like there's people who are like i can't imagine having kids right now like what the fuck like yeah eat shit man like eat shit you're sending your kids into this and like we're in the worst possible timeline you what the fuck do you think what are you anti-solution for everything for like also and what do you think the experience of being human has ever been yeah being alive and up for any creature like has ever been on this planet

like just because we you know we like for most of our parents generation and our generation if you lived in america yeah if you were white we happen to be like a lot of caveats yeah the veal the veal cows of humanity you know what i mean where we got to like live in this beautiful pasture for like a few years existence has been fucking tough and hard yeah awful for so many people the majority of people for so long and the idea that like this right now is the worst it's ever been is so fucking self-centered and awful and like and the idea that like now if you're having kids you're selfish to bring your children into this world it's just when people had kids like so history being the inverse of like you

can go like that's not true like this is to me going looking at history and seeing how fucking god awful it is like you know how many people died from diarrhea every year in like yeah 1783 or whatever most people died from like diarrhea and shit like that you know what i mean like they used to not be able to numb you up some people had to go to the dentist and just get their teeth ripped yeah surgery is a recent invention it's like that kind of you know what i mean like yeah like finding like looking at how i think noticing how recently things have changed like that we we think they're commonplace now, like surgery, is inspiring because it means we're still at the beginning of some of this. Of course.

It just makes me – it just like snaps me out of this like thought that – I don't know. People are so like doom-obsessed now. And again, things are bad. People are so like doom obsessed now. And again, things are bad. I'm not like trying to say like, is this rosy vision of the future where things will continue to get like, climate change is going to change things

for like the much worse and soon. And you know what I mean? But being aware is being aware and dwelling is dwelling. Like, you know, it's like humans get through stuff. Yeah. We might not at some point you know what i mean we

might like wipe ourselves out but like as creatures we get through stuff we always have sure challenges have always seemed existential i love it and i i like looking at history makes me like i don't i don't think we're going to necessarily solve climate change and like i wish we wouldn't have done that and we would and we would have fixed it yeah but i'm not like this is the worst time to be alive yeah this is still one of the best times to be alive and the next generation will still be one of the best times to be alive like it's i don't know i just find it so egotistical to act like this is the worst time like your problems like shit's bad listen like it's not great like it would have been better to be our parents generation but like it just feels

like so egotistical to me to be like oh this is like this is the worst time to be alive why because you have student loans and you can't afford a house that does suck that's not not bad and it's not that your issues aren't valid, but it is also like, well, at least dip theory is not taking everybody out and fucking like. Right. Yeah. They're Mongol whore.

Like, yeah, everyone's plugged into like streaming. Like we're watching Netflix eight hours a day or whatever the fuck. But like, there's not a guy on a horse throwing my father's head through the door. Yeah. At least in America. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah. Show me. Show me Ivan's head not attached to his body. He's the guy on the door. At least in America. Show me Ivan's head not attached to his body. He's the guy on the horse. I'll show you 50 other dead people. It's still talking. My buddy said this. People were talking like it's the apocalypse.

He's like, because he grew up evangelical and it was like this bit of his. He goes, it's not the apocalypse because there was no part in the Bible that was like, and Chipotle will be open but only that's not, it's not the apocalypse, because there was no part in the Bible that was like, and Chipotle will be open, but only to go. Like, it's not. Like, it's like, we're also, I don't want to say we're blowing it out of proportion, but we're reacting dramatically in some ways. Yes.

Yeah. It's because the news is so quick and easy to get, and also misinformation. A lot of people get scared because they're not getting the right shit. But yeah, history does curtail that, too. Well, we're reacting with dramatic emotion and not dramatic action, which is a bummer. You know what I mean? Dramatic emotion on my left fist. Dramatic action, my right fist. A lot of people don't know this.

We briefly performed under the name Dramatic Emotion. Yeah. The three of us from 1997 and 2002. Yeah. We didn't even know each other. No. No. So it was wild. We didn't really know each other no no so it's wild we didn't really know each other we were all playing characters yeah it was the newest new metal dude um i'm not trying to

like discount no if anybody thinks you are then they're not listening to what you're saying good like it's just what i'm saying is and i know that was me like railing on and ranting but like you you should have hope, you know, let it swallow you. If it swallows you, then it's just, it's such a downward. And history is a teacher of hope.

Like in a lot of ways, like it's grim in a lot of ways too. But like there is a, when I found about the Spanish flu pandemic, like it helped me kind of like having it there to look at and be like, this is how this worked. Help me get through this one. Yeah. In some sense. Yeah yeah history is a teacher and sergio is a teacher they teach different things but yeah you know they both have taught us a lot sergio's as a professor nine bleep rats to

the same lessons really all my grandmother survived the holocaust and she still would like you know she still put out a cold cup plate for us when we got to her house you know what i mean it was still she went through the worst that humanity could throw at her and was still oh fuck it yeah uh found found joys in life you know like so anyway i love that's just a long way of saying that so history um that uh oh here's one how fast they made the vaccine yeah yeah and it it's yeah that's it how fast they made it like it wasn't already there so i assume you got you got you're one of those people that got vaccinated then yeah i've been vaccinated seven times yeah yeah okay i got the deer flu vaccine already you guys don't even know about that no yeah yeah oh i'm in hollywood i got the deer flu vaccine already. You guys don't even know about that. Oh, I'm in Hollywood. I got the deer flu vaccine.

And Jewish. I just started eating poop and I haven't got sick. So it's like whatever. Who's poop? Your poop? A lot of poop, man. That's what the diapers are really for. They're storage units. Old folks got Tupperware diapers.

It's one of these things with the vaccine because everyone's like, no, they cranked it out too quick. And I'm like, it was one of the many times where I openly say, I have no idea how long it takes a vaccine to get made. I only know what trusted news sources tell me maybe. But then you think about advances in technology. And also this was the only in our life emergency vaccine where they're like they really expedited the process well it's like they

had to yeah that was the other like people like complain about that but i thought it was amazing like nobody's talking about how well the world banded together in this moment about shit people complain about it because they think it's supposed to take longer based on nothing they just the weird thing that to get i know it's a whole other conversation but of course i was thrilled it's such a hopeful thing to be like the world one of the first times ever the world did come together for something yeah at least the scientific community yeah at least the one the ones that aren't look i'm not gonna complain about how long it takes the tortilla chips and salsa to come out of the kitchen when I sit down at a restaurant. You know what I mean?

It's fucking amazing. I think you're onto something really good here because in a world where we want everything instantly now, and then we make something that's saving the entire world very quickly, and people still want to be upset about it is fucking nuts. A little too fast. Isn't that shocking? Yeah. People just wanted it in this perfect

window where they didn't want it to take because my phone isn't sending the text right away like you get that you like fuck yourself you're like it's nice to know the comfort is that you'll be extinct soon you're that kind of person the projection was too so the beginning which almost two years ago to the day they projected like two years for a vaccine and then when it happened sooner people got so mad and you're like why you didn't want it sooner why'd you because you got mad when you when they said two years everybody was like bullshit with the world's over it's gonna take forever here it is two years later by the way still spinning vaccine on rims vaccines been out for a year sprue wells yeah dude it's like what window longer for a year? Spruwells. Yeah, dude. It's like what window?

Longer than a year. Where was that sweet spot? Where was your nut? Where you were going to be happy about it as a general? When it came out. When it came out. I really wanted it faster. I really was just like I wanted it faster, meaning I wanted it as fast

as they could possibly get it out. I was excited to see the world get better. Of course. They tested it. But the thing that makes me optimistic is, again, I say this as we are not dealing with huge existential threats, really, in a meaningful way with climate change or whatever, although we're doing certain things.

But anyway, there's this this huge thing and people did. They like they were shitheads dragging their heels all along the way. People who wouldn't get the vaccine or all that shit. You know what I mean? Like people who wouldn't wear masks when we thought that was one of the best way. That's the fucking I mean, I don't want to like rant this whole time, but like I should do a dab hit right now before we start talking about all this.

Well, fucking masks didn't end up helping as much as they said well we didn't know that yeah but we tried it's like we didn't fucking know yeah we all got our cigarettes were a remedy for cure like things like fuck on of course some of it got wrong the dumbest armchair experts hold scientists to this impossible standard science is testing high is a hypothesis you test it and then you find out it's questioning it's not it's it's as much questioning as it is answering and it didn't hurt anyone to wear a mask you know like hypothesis is a tool of science like yeah fuck oh god it was interesting you know it's just why it's just why like we all got to see how sexy we are with masks on by the way everybody that's pretty sexy everybody's just Wyatt. We all got to see how sexy we are with masks on, by the way.

That was great. I was pretty sexy. Everybody's fucking, you're sexy all the time. You know that? Thanks. You're an everything sex machine. I'm okay. If you just see from the bridge of my nose and eyes, I look hot.

I look terrible, dude. You're swarthy as shit, yeah. You've never been shy about those eyebrows. Ian's covering his mouth and his forehead. of just for like he's just giving you the eyes and the top of the nose. Thank you. He's making a finger puppet hat is what he's doing. Yeah.

Hot. I'm a hot guy. I'm a hot guy. Hot guy. Anyway. Yeah. I just was like, oh shit. They pulled together and all these scientists did their science shit and made a vaccine.

I know it was already like in motion making making a SARS-CoV vaccine or whatever, but they fucking figured it out, and they had it in healthcare professionals' arms pretty fucking quick. That's amazing. It's pretty cool. It makes me hopeful for the future. Yeah.

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You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code all fantasy at schedule 35.co that's 15% off at schedule 35.co and use promo code all fantasy. Sean Jordan. This is number three. Oh yeah. sean jordan this is number three oh yeah i'm picking holidays holidays make me awesome always have every every stinking one of them i swear to god just an excuse law k winslet uh vehicle the holiday the holiday yeah don't forget about jack black shannon sauceman was in there cameron diaz afron yeah no no nancy myers nancy myers yeah who's norah efron that's a banging joint norah efron wrote when harry met sally okay yeah but holidays yeah love them always have down the minor ones

uh it's just an excuse for if people need an excuse to be in a good mood for a day it gives it to them i don't necessarily need one. I haven't, but I do love it's infectious and everybody, whatever. If, if it, I'll take what I can get.

If everyone's going to be stoked on St. Patrick's day, done. I'm in. Not everyone's going to be stoked. Yeah. Well, all right.

The Irish, we get, we get stoked enough for everybody. I do like a holiday. Holidays make me like people that generally irritate me. Yeah. I i might i was thinking i might have myself an early saint patrick's day this year i've never done that before like a 10 in the morning go have a couple and then just have that be it you think this is what fatherhood should look like um a couple like just you think you're gonna go have a couple early in the day and then that's gonna be it yeah it might be my

night who knows we'll see it'll be a conversation just because go have a couple early in the day and then that's going to be it? Yeah. It might be my night. Who knows? We'll see. It'll be a conversation. Just because your child has a bottle in the morning doesn't mean you get to. I've never gone out in St. Pat. That was hilarious, by the way. Sorry for brushing over it.

Will you say it again so I can give it the proper? No. No. I feel like you're setting me up for something here and I don't like that. It was so funny. I'll pretend to be Shane. I'll say it and then you give the recommendation. Oh, this will be good.

I'm going to go out early in the morning, I think, and then just kind of have that be it. Just because your child gets a bottle in the morning doesn't mean you need to. This is my, who do you think you are? This is me doing Ian now. I can't do it. Let's hear now. Like, I can't do it. Let's hear it. No, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.

I want to hear it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Ah. Ah. Ah. Yeah. Man, this is tight.

No, I've never been... For years, I haven't gone out on st patrick's day i haven't even yeah i had a drink why don't you corn a beef dude yeah maybe i'll cook something i want to fucking cook some food dude we made baked potatoes the other night as the irish do i sent you a picture of the potato bar it was pretty dank much easier to make a baked potato that i don't know how hard i thought it was to bake the potato. Yeah. That's fucking crazy it took you this long to get there. You just bake it. It's the easiest thing.

You just put it in and bake it. Then you can eat it. You just got to stab it with a few forks. For anyone out there living their life like me, all you have to do to make a baked potato is bake a potato. Let me say this to everyone, too. Cooking is not as hard as people make it seem. Well, sometimes, you know how when you go get a new phone,

and then as you're leaving, they're like there's that 40 activation fee when you bake a potato there's no activation fee you just you just there's no there's nothing else you have to do besides bake it it's both the steps are in the name and then you church it up with whatever you want a potato and you bake it yeah then you just go ham. But it's, you know. I think you should start a new tradition on St. Patrick's Day where for your child and your queen, you prepare an Irish feast. You bake some potatoes. You make a corned beef, which I think is just boiling meat. The Irish invented it, so it can't be that complex.

Yeah, that's right. You fucking keep saying things like that. My saint of a mother saint patrick's day valentine's day i've always loved valentine's day always love new year's always love the fourth of july it's just fun but the holiday like traditional the holidays at the end of the year forget about it it's like one three month long holiday there's the relief of stress like if it's like especially if it's like July 4th or something. It's something that's like it's just a barbecue and a few drinks. That low-stakes holidays that are just basically cookouts.

Well, that's a high-stake holiday right there. But you get what I'm saying. I don't have to worry about press. I love that. Yeah. I really – that's a good – I'm going to have a mojito this time. This year.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's my favorite. I'm going to be letting them know in France, by the way. I guess I'll be thanking them and shaking their hands, actually. Yeah. With Roman candles strapped to every single, just everywhere, all over you. Going in Rabobank. Give me all your French money, whatever you guys call it and then

just start shooting roman candles the euro dude yeah the year bro your bro yeah your bro shane time for your third and fourth picks uh for my third pick i am taking unlikely animal friends videos oh yeah cats and dogs living together it's supposed to be madness and it's not it's adorable can't get enough you see like a baby panther and an alligator you're just like what are you guys doing yeah what are you guys doing create you know what they're only showing me the part that's cute i don't know what's going to happen in two years when one goes after the other but oh god, God, I love them. Unlikely animal friends videos just fucking melt my heart.

It makes me feel like you can fight your wiring. Yeah, for sure. There's hope. I like when a duck is friends with somebody. Duck and whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah, duck and cover. When you see an animal miss another animal is fun.

Oh, and they get excited? Yeah, yeah. Laura's nephew was dressed like a lion, I think. A tiny little lion. Aw. And this, like, a monkey at the zoo came up and was just looking at him. Not in a bed. It was just like, look, it was really fun to see where you're like, you just wanted to know what this other baby animal was.

I'm noticing with Max and the kitties, they're about the same size and they both are scoping each other out. It's a real fun thing to see because they're just like, are they going to square up soon? What do you think? Max would lose. He got swiped. Birdie caught her slipping right here, drew blood and everything. And it was like the equivalent if you just walked up and we were watching TV and then just cut one of our fingers off.

Completely, completely shocked. She had no idea. Birdie just walked up and like, yuck, like that? Yeah, pretty much. I think Max was toying with her, but birdie was in the cut and then just gave her a little a little cat paw and it just max kiss max had no idea that could happen so i guess it'd be like if we didn't know knives existed or butcher knives or whatever and someone just walked up and chopped off a finger while you were eating lunch you're like what the fuck i've been teaching eddie

my cat how to use the knife yeah good i've been just kind of like putting a knife near her and letting her get like used to it and she's gonna need to know pretty soon i think she's walk around she's giving her carrot shaves and stuff yeah like all kinds of different ways yeah well if she ever gets caught for one of the many crimes she's committed she will go to federal prison and uh caught i see a lot of people say that man there's no way if she's not going to prison i'll tell you that. Oh, okay. All right. I hear you. I hear you.

I'd rather be carried by six than judged by 12, the way she puts it. I'd rather die like a woman than live like a coward. Yeah. There's a ghetto up in heaven and Zara's black power. She's a cat, though, dude. You know what I mean? Excuse me. Yeah, unlikely animal friendship videos yeah i love those love it

there is always when one of them's a predator though there is always this sense i get where i'm like and then what i'm talking and what happened dog cat yeah dog cat that kind of stuff but yeah i for for sure i also follow a couple instagram accounts that are like nature is metal oh yeah i've seen that one yeah yeah yeah it's like just like a wildebeest covered in uh like hyena entrails i saw this yesterday on there i saw a moose that was struck by lightning that survived and it was gnarly looking and i was like Yeah, dude. Someone stood up to God's right hand and just wasn't human. It was fucking awesome. Moose need a cooler name.

Yeah. No, Daryl Johnson's a pretty, Daryl Johnson's a cool name. Oh, shit. That reminds, okay. That reminds me. Okay, never mind. You guys shooting a sketch on Gordon with something? He's swinging by.

Yeah. No, Moose is just such a goofy name for what a cool creature it is i guess they look kind of goofy too yeah look all like boo man you watch that moose running through the snow i have a habit of them like when i think of them thinking of them like the way they're animated well like so winkle yeah like like they're kind of like they do look goofy and when i picture them they should be called like throng yeah or like or like mighty horse krang yeah mighty horse yeah wrong shrub you know hey check out that dumb ox yeah thrunder yeah i like that crush locks just something dude they're cooler than moose.

Unlikely animal friendship videos and your fourth pick, Sugar? This is an easy one and actually it's one of my favorites that I thought of it, but My Friend's Success. Oh, yeah. For several reasons, because it's somebody you love, but also if you're friends, you were in the same place

at the same time and you were in a similar situation to some degree fire on the mountain so fire crema i think yes i think what i mean is like it's like oh he's had success success is possible there's like and i like i hope i've shown that to people and taken it from people but like yeah dude you remember when fun just did conan we're all like it happens yeah he was the first person i knew where you're like i have that guy's phone number and yeah because before that before your friend does whatever that like your friend graduates medical school or before that happens it seems crazy but then when it happens you're like oh and and then you know there it can be done yeah yeah

now every single one of my friends except except for me, got to do it. You don't do TV. Yeah. So you should be full of hope is what you're saying, right? I am. You know, it is crazy what it does, though. Because even like headlining a show or whatever, it's all these things. When you see your friends do it, it does make it very attainable.

Yeah. And it's an amazing feeling yeah it's so nice when that switch flipped i used to be so competitive i still am but it also helps jealousy can be a map too and i mean that to be yeah for sure it helps when you when you're not like fighting for you know when everyone's eating it's a little easier to be happy you know when you're when when you're not struggling yeah then it's a lot easier to sit back for sure oh fantastic i'm super happy for you because i i uh i can afford dinner you know yeah yeah for sure that is a good one though i used to be i used to be like uh competitive with

like you guys and stuff you know like i would be like yeah back in portland healthy competitive is good have to be like comp like you can be happy for someone and like jealous you know like of their success like there's a like having that like you need it needs to be clear like that you're jealous in the sense of like i would like something like that not like jealous it's turning me into the most bitter fuck who's ever lived yeah and i guess there's different kinds of jealousy too because there's the like there's like destructive jealousy and like oh i want to be doing that yeah i need to get where that guy's at then there's hey jealousy and i'm since i am the gin blossom is that a gin blossoms callback should show her in son of a bitch there's some things you can't teach you know no dude yeah yeah too bad you don't do tv well sergio sergio could teach well

sergio could teach anything dude nine bleaker overthrow yeah dude can i go yeah please god what's your next pick you know what gives me hope yeah i like what the kids are doing does that does that make sense oh i do like that the way that i'll say it is i the way i notice is i equate it to skateboarding like there's no real one way that you have to be a kid now like when i say kids i'm saying like eight 17 to 22 year olds i don't know but there's these kids that are like wearing all this hessianship metal stuff listening to rap having pink hair being ethnic and it's just all these things that used to like have to define you you have to do one thing i know i sounded like a dipshit being but i do mean they're doing everything they're not being so like i'm a this kind of person i

play football and i'm a guitar player or whatever you see like a black kid who's also a hessian yeah so like an anime and that you didn't used to see that as much or whatever the kids are so motivating to see because they're tolerant they're accepting they're just do what they want to do they're enjoying things you don't have to be you can be a football player and uh listen to like whatever the current version of dashboard confessional is you can just do what you want brother that was happening back then again going back to history uh yeah brother i hate to tell you but that was happening that ain't nothing new brother i just love what the kids are doing there i fucking i really do like that too honestly i think that's a great good outlook on things and i'm excited for them to take up because it's going to get these dusty old crusty fucks out of there who whatever it's a whole nother thing but it's going to get these dusty old crusty fucks out of there who

whatever it's a whole nother thing but it's like these dipshits that think uh that people are choosing to be gay and all this stuff they're they're going to die and they're going to be gone and they're going to be fucking awesome when they're done these kids that can kickflip with blue hair are going to be the new people making laws and i cannot wait so the kids i like what the kids are doing that's fucking great pick they also i also love that they are like the younger generations you know like on the on the on the other side i agree with you on all that they're also like way less concerned with like canceling people and shit like that you know what i mean like like that also seems to be a micro phenomenon.

Yeah. They don't seem to as concerned with just being right. Public. They want to make it better. They want to help. Yeah. Yeah. Make things better.

So there's like a lot of empathy and sympathy and not so much condemnation right away. There's an understanding of like shades of gray, hopefully and stuff like that. Yeah. I love that. About 50 of them. Yeah.

50. Nice. Yeah. That's what gives me one of them. One of them is just normal sex from what i can gather from those movies by the way yeah normal sex is getting your balls whipped with a knife with a knife geez ian pick before i barf before i fart knuckle over barf over here barf because you're so horny i'm pretty horny yeah i'm pretty horny um um um oh here's one the fact that like most people i talk to think nfts are stupid gives me hope oh god thank you yeah i love that i love that when i'm like what like Because I'm sitting there and they were blowing up everywhere. And I'm like, am I the only one who thinks these are stupid? I got approached to do one.

You did? Yeah. Of the Guy Fieri joke or what? Exactly. Wow. Yeah. Ugh. And I was like, aren't these really horrible for the environment and a bunch of other stuff?

And they're like, yeah, I don't know. Kind of, maybe. And i was like okay like if you can't give me a straight answer when i ask something like that yeah i i don't doubt that at some point like bitcoin technology will be useful and that it enforces scarcity on a world you unlike a, on a digital world where scarcity wouldn't exist before. Like you can have a, you could sell textbooks, you know what I mean? Like,

and you could own that textbook rather than giving it to everyone for free. And in that way, people who write and create textbooks can be compensated for the work they do. Like I understand the utility of like blockchain and everybody gets a piece of what they created of course and and and i i think there are interesting ways it can be used but i don't think that that interesting way is a monkey wearing a beanie yes fallon is talking about on the dude why don't you go ahead and hop on nija's instagram real quick get out of here telling me a moose dj is something i want to fucking you're all pretending like this shit

is cool they listen i think we're pretending like you know yeah yeah like you know i think we're far enough into the podcast now that i can say this nobody tweet about this please or whatever when jimmy fallon was talking to fucking paris hilton about their board eight yacht club monkeys i would i was like this is the lowest moment in american television history including bud dwyer killing himself on it it was like holy this is fucking so bleak and dark two multi multi multi-millionaires one of them who's an heir, talking about this fucking like digital Ponzi scheme and acting like they're actually stoked that their monkey looks like them a little bit. The fuck are we doing? What the fuck are we doing?

Yeah, it's like how much is enough for you is the other thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like, I don't know why the fuck any celebrity needs to do a chase bank commercial right or like this kind of stuff so like when i see people that's actually just a side note it's not a pick of mine but like when people realize like oh i shouldn't do this after they've done something like that that gives me hope too it's like they're a good person they just made a

mistake and they went after a check and an incentive they had it yeah they saw a carrot i get that that happens to everybody for me at least a commercial is a commercial you know what i mean but like you're you don't need i'm saying more in the sense of like things that companies that are not good companies or whatever and then they learn like what they're doing yeah like right right teachable moments i guess would be is what yeah but like a commercial is a straight i understand that but like a free for the value of a board a yacht club to go up you have to create interest in it which makes i guess that commercials create interest in you but like yeah to inflate the value of this thing you own you know what i mean because you're a rich person who was able to put discretionary money

in it it just feels like i don't know that fucking sucks so i so the fact that like most of the people i talk to are like all this art is ugly it's stupid i don't understand why anyone likes it and i feel like everyone who does say they like it is pretending i guess that's the hardest i've gone in on and if he's a few times i have go nuts but it just makes me feel where i'm like okay i'm not upset about any of this other people think this is kind of stupid i'm here to to get you going, man. I'll pull the ripcord. I think some of the tech... I'm so ranty this episode. I don't think I've been funny at all. But some of the... At least some of the technology can be used

for cool things. I do believe that that is true for useful things. But like the way it exists right now, I'm like, this shit... Aaron Fox, who's in the NBA, created his own NFT thing and then all of a sudden the funding was just gone from it and all these people had bought into it and then he was like oh sorry i i'm gonna have to like

spend more time on this in the off season and now all this like money that people put in is just gone because this rich guy didn't really understand what he was doing trying to get rid it's like yeah it's like when like also know that when a celebrity is doing something it doesn't mean they're an expert yeah it's like i don't want i don't want to fucking i don't want to don't tell me that the rock cigar company is good like like i could be my point being is like the assumption that like whoa critical thinking about something i don't The assumption that like, whoa, critical thinking about something. I hate it. Let's all adjust.

The fact that people think it's dumb is good. I'm with you. I'm sorry. I just like that. I'm like, okay, other people also think this. Like having your suspicion backed up by other people. Absolutely. You're like, is this bullshit?

Absolutely. So that's my fourth pick. And my final pick is gonna be i like that trump's social network has failed truth social yeah awesome yeah because there's i think i think this is a i think the fact that it is or has or is in the progress of doing it is like it's it it all it reveals another problem but a problem to where i think that might identifying the problem might reveal a solution like so trump had like 80 million followers on twitter or whatever you know and like and then he goes to

this new app and has like 80 000 so hopefully interest in that person is waning but what i also think it shows us is that like the appeal to a lot of these trump people wasn't the man or the politics necessarily but at least online it's it's fighting it's trolling it's like they were more interested in sticking it to libs online and like and and and actually being invested in anything right and actually like paying attention like and then and and to that end probably only support some of those policies as a way to piss off people they don't like and i again this is a very armchair view of that kind of thing but i think in identifying that it shows a way forward. Oh, I mean like hopefully at some point, you know what I mean?

Where it's like, okay, people just like fighting and trolling each other. So maybe like if, if we all personally, I don't mean the three of us, the Royal, we like,

or not the Royal, we just the general, we like, uh, if you can see that people are looking for fights and then you can offer yourself up for that a little bit less i think bit by bit that offers us a way forward through to not be worse yeah like yeah not just be so reactionary like it doesn't all have to be a fight like and that's the other one of my like getting off twitter talking to people in real

life is another way to get like very hopeful. Cause some of the people you get into screaming matches with on Twitter or wherever, like an Instagram comments, you would be able to have a conversation with in real life. So I think like, for sure. Yeah. Seeing that the fight,

that the trolling, a lot of that is the point. Although, cause these people don't want to just go on this app and agree with each other. Yeah. You know, the way like you would,

you like, we'd all, I'd wear like, I an nba message board or something like that you know like it's cool to see it like to understand there's an end to that kind of behavior like the snake can eat its own tail right you're like oh these a lot of these people just want to fucking fight so yeah don't fight don't give yourself up to that you let them think they won but they know they didn't because they don't they're not getting what they want you're never gonna convince them and if somebody's entire political purpose is to disagree rather than to propose something don't disagree don't offer up you know and like i don't think that's the whole answer by the way some of the shit that's happening is god awful youful. You know what I mean? Yeah, but no. Yeah, like, I like what you're saying, though.

Like, the fact that you said... I could be wrong about this, but I suspect that most of the people who support, like, Governor Abbott's trans shit in Texas, I suspect that there's a significant percentage of the people who support it, who support it only because they know it would piss off people like us

you know what I mean and it has nothing to do with how they actually feel about trans people and then they become so entrenched in pissing other people off that they fool themselves into believing it I don't know again that's just me being an idiot saying that but like

I do get a sense of that you know I yeah i hope you're right and i think there is some truth to there's some logic to that thought yeah yeah um anyway those are my last two picks damn i'll be funny next episode i know this was kind of a heavy subject but it's it's fun to talk about though yeah i picked getting fucked you did my fifth pick i'm gonna pick nature just helps me realize that the world is still turning every time i go out you can go on a walk you can hike whatever and shit's still happening it doesn't it's it's gonna be okay the world is it is a powerful place and uh i don't know it's just

nice for me for perspective sometimes just to go out calm down and just be like okay whatever's going on in life whatever all the busy things all the bad things all the negative stuff the world's still turning still uh still flat still dre yeah yeah it's weird it's weird that a flat thing turns like that but it's turning and it just calms me down a lot so just nature you know awesome hell yeah dude take a bite lovely chantores getting fucked harder yeah yeah uh um it's kind of a i guess it's not really that weird but it's like this there's this poem by c.s lewis i stumbled upon at the beginning of the pandemic oh oh did you it's more of an essay it's not a poem but it's like and it's called a love and the atomic bomb okay and i and it's just basically the sentiment of the poem is just

basically it starts with a we live in a world of worry now you know and he's like but he's like basically he's just saying death was coming no matter what. So don't let worry be the thing that preoccupies your mind. So, so like, so when the bomb comes or whatever it is, like be having a drink with friends or bathing your child, don't like,

cause like no matter what it was, no, yeah, or both. Uh, but the point of it is, is just like, it's like like like live in love and not fear like even with even with the idea of fear around so it's like a really powerful uh uh poem but it's

uh or essay or whatever you want to call it that's beautiful as we become more aware of more to our own mortality that's an important thing to remember yeah it's like like there's a line that says uh teaching reading listening to music bathing children playing tennis chatting to our friends over a pine in a game of darts not huddled together like frightened sheep thinking about bombs yeah yeah like and it just like i think it's just like fuck man you gotta laugh sometimes like just don't fucking live in the grim forever. It's too much. Yeah. Yeah. Couldn't agree more, bud. Yeah. What's the name of that essay?

I believe it's called, it's by C.S. Lewis. It's Love and the Atomic Bomb. Love and the Atomic Bomb. Which is also the name of what I say when I get fucked. Love and the Atomic Bomb, dude. I call my fist Love and the Atomic Bomb. Yeah. I call them both D'Angelo.

That's just the one i for me it just like sometimes you need hope from other people and other things yeah yeah excellent pick uh marissa what was your pick probably you guys oh thanks marissa oh shit david uh david's oblivious can't be on instagram probably instagram but huge asses yeah uh to recap i went first i took people who follow their passion history how fast they made the vaccine the fact that most people think nfts are stupid and trump social network failing sean protesting new movies coming out holidays what the kids are up to and going for a walk and shane you took getting fucked and finding

money unlikely animal friendship videos your friend's success and the poem or essay loving the atomic bomb fantastic man i'm a simple man who really just barely lands a punch with the heart of a poet thank you we didn't leave a lot on the board. My niece's nephews and nibbling, those all make me very optimistic about the future. Live music. I love seeing people sing together. For sure, dude. That's a great reminder of what it means to be human.

Dude, we went to Glitter Wizard. I went with Kyle and Rachel the other night to Glitter Wizard, and the opening band was called R.I.P. The mic was a sickle. It was so... That's amazing. The guy talked like he was a wrestler. You're telling me Kyle Kinane went called R.I.P. The mic was a sickle. It was so... The guy talked like he was a wrestler. You're telling me Kyle Kinane went to this. Yeah.

You mean the same guy, the same couple that took me to Gay CDC at the Viper Room five years ago. You mean the man who introduced me to Metalachi, the mariachi metal band? Those two took me to a cat circus. Yes. God, the cat circus was a tank.

That's awesome. Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, the cat circus was a tank. That's awesome. Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, live music is great. Cooking for myself makes me hope I just like that. I'm like, oh, yeah, I can do things. Oh, podcasts. The fact that there's like a firm, like, as a stand-in for like there being a firm comedic

middle class now. It used to be very rich as fuck broke forever and now it's like oh here we go there's a little space in the middle for the rest of us yeah yeah i you know this last tour people came specifically to see me at these places and it was such a eye-opening it's just because of this podcast and now i don't see you don't need to work some of these clubs that would never book me before and it's like oh it feels great yeah yeah achieving a goal yeah a little like a little walk by like fuck you yeah hey fuck you uh we want to hear your sentence about all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail

dot com that's an email address uh Shout out to everyone on the all fantasy, everything Patreon. You're the people who let us be a comedic middle-class. We love you. Thank you so much for everything. We, you do. Shout out to the AFE.

Just slackity. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to super producer, Marissa. We love you, Mars. Welcome back to from Bolivia. Gosh,

what else? Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid, the dude. Shout out to H. Sue Carmel, shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Sid the Dude, shout out to Haji Beats, and more boring than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

Shaklack, Eddie. Aww. that was a hate gun podcast