All Fantasy Everything - Things That Make You Feel Free (w/ Lance Bangs, David Gborie, Sean Jordan, and special guests!)

Episode Date: March 28, 2019

I WANT TO BREAK FREE. I WANT TO BREAK FREE. I WANT TO BREAK FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME... THEN DRAFT THOSE FREE THINGS. GOD KNOWS, GOD KNOWS THis draft features the Good Vibes Gang and director/friend/maven Lance Bangs!Featuring special guest drafts from Zak Toscani, Saint Sue Karmel, "Bulldog" Ivan Karmel and Super Producer Marissa.This episode was recorded live at the Doug Fir in Portland, Oregon. Thanks Doug Fir!Episode Guests:Lance Bangs @lancebangs IG: @lancebangsZak Toscani @zaktoscani IG: @zaktoscaniSaint Sue Karmel @rnskook IG: @suekarmelIvan Karmel @ivankarmel IG: @ivankarmelProducer Marissa Melnyk @MarsMel IG: @mars.mel Overwatch on PS4: MarsmeilowSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to a very special live, all fantasy, everything from the Doug Firn beautiful Portland, Oregon. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely, absolutely. Now, ladies and gentlemen, there's no reason for me to dally here at the top of the podcast. You know, I could do it alone. I'm absolutely capable of that. I would make all the picks myself, and it would be honestly the best draft we've ever had. We all know that.

We all know that, but there's no reason for me to do it. I'm a giving lover, if anything. So what I'd like to give you now is a man who goes by At Sean S. Jordan on Twitter Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram Seen a lot of those We are seeing a lot of those A lot of those out there Sean Jordan ladies and gentlemen

I stay sitting far away I stay sitting far away from you Stay over there dude Yeahee-ski-wee-ski. I stay sitting far away from you. Stay over there, dude. Yeah, yeah. I'm right over here, man. I ain't going anywhere. We look like two of the worst UFC fighters in a press conference right now.

Just like, yeah, man, I'll kill you. Like, honestly, going into the octagon, I'm just very sleepy and lethargic. I go to the gym once a month at most at this point, and I'm just hoping to fall on top of Sean. and lethargic. I go to the gym once a month at most at this point, and I'm just hoping to fall on top of Sean. This nerd probably knows how to spell octagon. I ain't having all that.

I ain't having all that, man. Octopus emoji, waving goodbye emoji. Now it could just be this kind of banter for the entire podcast. I mean, we could. We could. Just the two of us playing a the entire podcast. I mean, we could. We could. Just the two of us playing a little table tennis back and forth. A little bit. A little Federer versus whoever the other person is.

Zach knows. Nadal. Nadal. Federer versus... Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky. Roger Federer versus Wayne Gretzky. You guys didn't know, but he plays tennis, man.

We're big tennis guys over here. Now it could just be Sean Jordan and I, Roger Federer as Wayne Gretzky. You guys didn't know, but he plays tennis, man. We're big tennis guys over here. Now, it could just be Sean Jordan and I, but why would we do that to you here on a beautiful Portland, Oregon Saturday? Why would we do that when we have a man who goes by the G is silent on Twitter. Uh-oh. Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram.

David Borey, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for David Borey. He brought a whole bottle out This guy Zach Harper's dad's favorite comedian What up Bill Bill I took your son home to my hotel room last night How do you feel about that No comment Just No comment.

All right. Just hand stuff. No big deal. Shout out to At Talk Hoops in the front row. Give it up for Zach Harper. He was on TV. The original enemy of the podcast. The original enemy of the podcast.

The first one. He's the worst. My goodness. What do you got? Water here? Corny. Yeah, sorry. I didn't bring out a bottle of liquor. Oh, yeah, Sean, because they don't know that you drink. Stop. What are you got? Water here? Corny. Yeah, sorry. I didn't bring out a bottle of liquor.

Oh, yeah, Sean, because they don't know that you drink. Stop. Stop. Stop. Laura, don't worry about it. She's not even here. I just say that. He's hammered right now.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I am. Stop. Sean was in the back. He had a Bible open.

He was talking about some of his favorite psalms. As a Jew, even, I was moved. I had the Bible open, but I was reciting the Koran psalms. As a Jew, even, I was moved. I mean, yeah. I had the Bible open, but I was reciting the Koran. Jews like the Bible, right? They like the old part. We like half the Bible. The first part.

The other part, it's a little... I like his new stuff. I like the Bible's new shit. The Bible is very much... It's very much the black-eyed peas for us Jews. You know what I mean? There's pre-Fergie and post-Fergie. us Jews. You know what I mean? Like you guys, you got, there's pre Fergie and post Fergie. Yeah. Jesus Fergie is what I'm saying.

Nothing wrong with Fergie by the way. Yeah. Jesus is Fergie. You've been known to rock with Fergie a little bit. I fuck with Fergie in a big way. His life is a hit song. Clumsy. London Bridge.

Both cuts. No further comments. Which one is clumsy? Oh, you know what I like? What's that one? He got me sipping. I hope you know. No. That ain't a cut. I hope you know. Oh, you know what I like? What's that one? They got me sipping. I hope you know.

No, that ain't a cut. I hope you know. Oh, that one too? No. There is nothing to do with you. That's like a mid cut. Yeah. I like that song. Ladies and gentlemen, Fergie was just here.

She popped in for a second. For those of you listening at home. Hey, you tell me I hit that worse than she hit that national anthem. You tell me that. You tell me that to my face. You've hit a lot worse than she hit that national anthem. Yeah, right. Did you hear that shit? Sounded like a child singing. Yeah.

Like someone who doesn't know English. That's what it sounded like. She was... I guess yelling about it helps, huh? Yeah, it does, Sean. I bet. Get off me! Now, we were going to leave this seat open. We were going to leave this seat open for the ghost of Shane Torres, who, as we all know, passed away in 1981.

Oh, great. Oh, great. Shane Torres died in the desert seven years ago. He died from tuberculosis. Holy buckets. And that I've never heard before. So that wasn't something we were talking about back there. I just thought of it.

Nominated for an Emmy. In the gym every day. Oh, man. Tuberculosis. And if I'm not mistaken, you're Jewish. 100% by Mitzvah and everything. There he goes. There he goes.

There he goes. Now, we were going to leave this seat open for Shane Torres. Hold on, real quick. Yeah. Tuberculosis. Tuberculosis. I just, you know. It's a disease, Sean.

Look it up. Holy crap. Holy crap. Continue. But we decided instead to fill it with one of our favorite people on the planet Earth, I would say. Hell yeah. Seriously.

A man who we're also so lucky to have here with us today. Give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for Lance Banks. Make some noise for Lance Banks. Of course. The only man that can make me look decent in a photo, I found out. Huh? I was pretty happy about it. He took some photos of me playing the piano.

That's because he's a professional. Yeah. No, I hear. I hear. John here. Did he take some photos of you laying down? No, playing the piano. Oh. But you play the piano laying down, right? Yeah. Do you suppose it's you laying down? No, playing the piano. But you play the piano laying down, right?

Yeah, I do a lot of things laying down. You do like flirty, like a high school girl working on her math homework, like on your stomach with a little piano in front of you, right? So you can hit those high keys with your tongue. You just give it a little kiss. I play one of those little cat pianos. Ding! Was that a vagina joke?

No, no. Oh, little cat piano. How would that have that a vagina joke? No no Oh little cat piano That's not what you call How would that have been A vagina joke? You know the Oh like a You know Little cat piano

Sounds like a vagina joke Right? So you're telling me That you thought That I was calling A woman's vagina A cat piano A little cat piano

I might start doing that Yeah it sounds cool That's actually alright What'd you do last night Well I played a little cat piano And uh I was a little cat piano. I was playing the cat piano, I'll tell you. In your hot pocket. If you were truly sweet with a pickle juice, you'd already be saying it.

Exactly. My man's an amateur. So that's your intro, Lance. A hot shell over the room. Lance, how are you? I'm doing great. I'm happy to be here. We're so happy to have you.

Lance Bangs, director, documentarian. Artur. Artur. Can you say that? Been known to vomit on jackass. Easily one of the three greatest professional rollerbladers of all time. I feel confident making that statement. Now Lance. It's him and those Japanese brothers.

Please say that's not true. I want you, please go on mic and say that's not true. Rollerblading's great. It's coming back in 2020. Tell him. You can't be more positive than me. And man, I can't say that it's good. You don't even have any reason. You've fallen prey to just getting marketed to

and buying board after board after grip tape after truck. Get a pair of boots. Let's talk about skateboarding the whole time. David and Ian, you guys get out of here if you want. What a good point, Lance. I'm just saying. I know you remember the day that I put on those tropical shorts and then a tank top and then went rollerblading in front of the house and you're telling me that didn't

bring you joy, Sean? It did. I remember that day because I was so pissed I didn't get invited. We didn't know you yet. No, we did. I saw the Snapchat and I was like, these motherfuckers are rollerblading? Yeah.

On a Saturday? I'm here pooping? Yeah. Maybe I was out of town. I might have been. I think you were out of town. We went to the driving range. I was wearing a bucket hat.

It was one of those days. Yeah, it looked. Oh, by the way. You had bright shorts on? That's all I want. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to find the video. I can't find it. You looking at pictures of yourself? No, I'm trying to find the video. I can't find it.

You looking at pictures of yourself? No, I was trying to find the Rollerblade video. Anyway, good story, huh? I think I was listening to that song. You were trying to- We are young, we are free. I got my cell phone out of my pocket. This is one of my favorite days.

Sean Jordan, how are you, buddy? Man, I don't know if I could be doing better. This is so sick. I mean, you could be- I mean, I could be, I could have made better decisions last night, we'll say. But, you know, what are you going to do? You invested a lot of money in Theranos last night.

It was a bad idea. He didn't even drink. He was like, I got a hot tip. I'm like, Sean, no. Yeah, yeah. And I go, no, listen, I got a couple bucks. It's going in there. I don't give a shit what happens to it. You know? Laura's dad's going to pay for the wedding. That's what I kept saying.

Shout out to the general. I'm good, man. This is fantastic. We had such fun shows last night. Thank you to everyone who came out. I tried to do your thing for some reason and it didn't. I can do it.

I did it with the wrong. I tried to do it. Cartwheel's got it. I learned it from Robert Bear Blaylock, my brother, who's in the building right now. I learned it from Bear Blaylock. Yeah. It's a pack and dip thing, right? Yeah.

Yeah. You got to grow up with shit bags that chew. Pack and dip that Copenhagen, like the one that can't. My brother, we used to play this game called Ultima Online, which, don't play that for seven years during your adolescence. I'll tell you that right now for free. But he left his spit can next to the computer once, which you would, and I would, too. You thought it was a Wild Cherry Pepsi. I thought it was a Wild Cherry Pepsi.

I hit it, and I hit it hard. There's not a lot of shit grosser than juice, man. There's not. There's not. And I love my brother, you know? I'm not afraid of his spit. I'll spit in his mouth right now.

Bray, get up. No, I'm just joking. He'd beat the shit out of you. He would beat the shit out of me. He wouldn't because he's nice, but he could beat the shit out of me. That's scarier. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'd make me feel bad and that would be the worst part of all. That's scarier. You'd make me feel bad, and that would be the worst part of all. Letting down your family. That is... I don't even know why it's that funny, but it's funny. So yeah, it's that kind of podcast. It's that funny. But it's funny. So yeah, it's that kind of podcast. It's that kind of podcast.

David Boyd, how are you doing, Bobby? Man, like Sean said, man, I'm about, I got new shoes on, man. I'm 10 feet tall. Shut up. I spilled a glass of red wine on his kicks last night and I felt terrible about it. Look at these. Oh, yeah. Just so you know, for the people listening at home,

the carpet matches the drinks. Yeah. David's got red, white, and blue pubic hair. That's what I'm saying. My shit, I'm fucking for America. David is wearing... Let me give you this dick for us, girl. That's weird that you're having sex

because you're not married as far as I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm a renegade. No, he's married to the game and he loves his wife. Oh, there he goes. There he goes. Oh, I did promise a woman in Cincinnati

I'd marry her last week, but Cincinnati wedding, it doesn't even count. That's international waters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As far as I'm concerned. A Cincinnati wedding. That was a Cincinnati wedding.

That sounds like something called a Cincinnati wedding. Oh, yeah. Barely made it wedding. That sounds like something to tell as a Cincinnati wedding. Oh, yeah. Barely made it out. It's where you let somebody take a dump on your back. Not just somebody, but Doc Holliday

takes a dump on your back. I got two poops here. I got two poops here. I got two poops here. But yeah, I'm doing good, man. I'm very happy. Beautiful. For the listeners at home,

I usually am making this up, but David is wearing a brand new pair. What are those, 95s, 97s? 97s. 95s, 95s, 95s. Red, white, and blue Air Max 95s matching the brand new All Fantasy Everything merch.

Yuck. Yuck. Available in the back. You can look like me. Isn't that what you always wanted? Made by Trillblazin. Portland's own Trillblazin. Give it up for the Trillblazin people

that are in the building, too. Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah. Portland's finest. Lance, how are you doing? I'm great. I'm so happy to be here. We're so happy to have you, man. This is so exciting.

My son turned 18 yesterday. Mazel tov. Congratulations. What did you guys do for the celebration? He's got like a girl he's been dating recently who is vegan. And so he wanted to kind of figure a place we could go take her that was like a Portland institution that she could eat and have a good time. We could all hang out. That's very considerate of her.

What a sweet boy you've raised. So we all went to Montage. You and Corinne. Very nice. Yeah. You went to Montage? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. She was happy. He was happy. It could all hang out. That's very considerate of her. What a sweet boy you've raised. So we all went to montage. Very nice. You went to montage? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. She was happy. He was happy. It was great. Fantastic.

Montage. That rules. Now he's a man. So you guys can fight. Yeah. I have weird things about masculinity. Slide him his Buffalo Mac like, all right, now we can fight. As soon as you're done, we're going to go outside and fight.

We went to, I guess I have to tell it. We went to Montage and Shane cried about his ex-girlfriend for a half hour outside one time. You for sure

didn't have to tell it. Straight up. Did not have to tell it. Yo. Yo. Right? He for sure didn't have to tell it. It was Yo! Right? He was sure didn't have to tell it.

It was my... That's not even the notable thing about that night. It was my 30th birthday and I was like, Shane, I'm going to go back inside.

Because like, Mark Maron was there. But yeah, you keep telling it. It was us, Mark Maron, Moshe Kasher, and Hannibal Buress too.

That is the weirdest crew ever. And the server. And Anya Marina was there, too. Oh, yeah, Anya Marina, yeah. Oh, shout out to Anya Marina. Holding it down in New York now. The server said last call and then tried to rip the drink out of Hannibal's hand. And Hannibal's not a man for that kind of bullshit.

I won't say about him. He really is not. He's not here for that. He's not... And so it almost became a comedians versus the staff of the montage all-out brawl. What a ridiculous situation. This was happening at a close... So this was... I don't know.

It couldn't have been two. I think they closed earlier that night or something. Yeah, well, that was the whole thing. Yeah, it was like 1.30 or something, but... Anyway, we killed him. And Shane cried the whole time. Dude! Buy his album.

Buy his album. He's amazing. You're building up some karma. That dude's going to hit you with a Hyundai one day. No, he's going to hit Zach if he hits anyone. It ain't going to be me. It's going to be you for sure. It's going to be you.

Why would he hit anyone else? We didn't just bring up a story about him crying in front of a room of strangers. There's no strangers in here. Yes, there are. It's only all family. There's a bunch of people who didn't know he cried at that restaurant. Yeah, but they knew. Shana's gonna

play the piano with your face one of these days and there's not a jury in the land that can convict him for it. The cat piano? He's gonna put a tiny cat piano on your face And it's going to be your fault I'm just going to have to watch it You know how that feels for me as a good friend? I'm just going to have to watch Shane beat you up one day

I don't like that That does suck, if Shane got in a fight with you We'd have to let it go for 15 seconds before we broke it up 30, I think 30 truthfully Although, you know what? Can I say this? I think Sean might win Who said it like that? I think 30, truthfully. Although, you know what? Can I say this? I think Sean might win. Yeah. Who said it like that?

I'm a second degree black belt, and then look it up. Yo, I've never seen a black belt work in real life, though. I think Shane's just going to pound you. Well, that's cool, because I'm a second degree. I think Shane's going to bear hug you and jump down the stairs, because he doesn't give a fuck. You want to test drive the car before Shane buys it or what? Hey, baby, I don't even have a license. Let's get it.

Sean, what's your fighting style? What are your go-to moves? What's that? What's your fighting style? What are your go-to moves? Monkey steals peach where you rip the nuts off. That's a big one. So in Taekwondo, they really did.

They used to teach us how to rip your throat out and shit. And yeah, it was like you. Yeah, the internationally respected fighting style Taekwondo. That one that 12-year-olds master. Keep talking, man. Keep talking. I've told you guys about my theory with dojos. I'm drunk.

I'm not going to feel it anyways, dude. You know my dojo theory. I feel like you should be able to walk theory with dojos. No, dude, I'm drunk. I'm not going to feel it anyways, dude. You know my dojo theory. I feel like you should be able to walk into any dojo, and if you can defeat the sensei, brother, that's your dojo. Oh, for sure. My dad bought a 7-Eleven like that. Right?

There is never a better placed brother than when you say, brother, that's your dojo. Only David Boyd can get an applause break during a podcast. That's amazing. The Tannisbourne Karate Studio. My man! What? How do you know about Tannisbourne?

That was the name of the man who taught you your life skill? No, we used to have to call each other Mr. and Master. If you were... Wait, who was the Mr.? Who was the Master? Master Darren. I was Mr. Sean and he was Master Darren. It sounds wild to say outside of the karate studio.

Yeah. If you're a fourth degree black belt, you're a master. So it'd be like, Master Darren, can I go to the bathroom? And he'd go, yes, Mr. Sean. Master. Master. This doesn't sound like a master. So it'd be like Master Darren, can I go to the bathroom? Yes, Mr. Sean. Master! This doesn't sound like a bullshit. This doesn't sound like a scam to you. I got to go for free because I was so good at

Taekwondo. To the bathroom? We should invent a martial art where you have to call each other Sir Daddy. Sir Daddy Michon needs to go to the bathroom now. Wan Wan. What's to stop us from ditching the podcast

and just inventing a new martial art? There's nothing. Let's do it right now. Nothing. Fuck you guys. Check your ticket. It's a lineup subject to change.

We're going to the back. If you had to make up a martial art, I'd call it Pil Jute Kwan. Oh. There we go. You blew it right there

in the name. Oh, make one up. What? Make one up. Big Dick Judo. Because Judo knows you got a big dick or not. Who doesn't want to learn Big Dick Judo? You're like, yeah, I'm a master of Big Dick Judo.

That rules. Say it like three more times. You swing it and it gives you momentum. Oh, no, there's no faces to it. I have no idea. There's no ethos yet. I'm an idea man. Jeet Kune bro, where it's like sort of a bro based kind of Jeet Kune do. Where it's just a lot of slamming your chest doing another guy.

You're like, what? What do you want to do? That's the whole thing. That's good. What are you naming yours, Lance? Equinox. Oh, shit. Yeah.

That sounds like some shit you got fucked up with. Like, some dude fucked me up with Equinox like behind a TJ Maxx once. Dude. Well, of course he did because all you did was take big dick judo. That doesn't actually teach you anything. How scared would you be if you were like, you got to fight this guy

and his discipline is Equinox? I'd be like, no! I'm out. I'm going home, dude. I'd kill myself. I don't want it that bad. I want to change mine to Jaquan Doe. It's too late. It is too late. Everybody in the club getting hitsy. Jaquan was a popular rapper for about a month. For one Emmy.

For riding on the Tony Awards. We're gathered here today in the beautiful Douglas fir auditorium, the Rose Garden. Here we are. Not only to invent new disciplines, though that would be enough, Diana. We are also here to draft.

I'll tell you. Let you know right now. Stop putting so much pressure on me. It's hard to do this. We have to get up in front of a bunch of people Stop Talk and you're just like why I'm like about to tell you

No No No I had so much momentum and now I lost it And this bit I tried isn't working for anyone He had momentum But he lost it And then some

Pop punk? I had momentum Now I lost it And then some pop punk. I had momentum. Now I lost it. And then some. We're drafting things that make you feel free. Yeah. Yeah.

Well done. Now I'm on board. I'll land it in any weather. All right. Oh, yeah. No! Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I like how it gets kind of a round of applause. Hold on. Who this man? Hold on. Who him? Hold on. Who him? Let me... Give me a second.

Give me a second. That voice is like if Hoobastank was a feeling. Hoobastank is a feeling. That's like what I did. Hoobastank is a feeling. I was going to draft that. A lifestyle. Hold on.

Give me a second. Give me one second. A complete silence just for one second. Ew. No! You're a fucking dickhead. Stop.

Stop yelling at me, David. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Laker girls. Why so serious? Oh, there it is. God, just all the greatest hits. Swear to me. Oh, they want to see you dab.

You guys remember when Batman was going through puberty? They want to see you dab. They want to see your creep dab. Show. Yeah. Don't tell me what to do, David. Hold on. It's awful, right?

It's fucking awful. This is like our fourth live podcast. We've already entered that Rob Schneider phase where he's like, you can do it in stand-up shows. His wrists are all weird. Stop, stop. Nobody cares. Your dad looks like raw chicken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like someone with anemia walking into a strong wind when you do it. Oh, they blew a newspaper into my face. Oh, no. What a dick, huh? I'm mean. It's a mean podcast. into my face. Oh, no! What a dick, huh? I'm mean. It's a mean podcast.

Yeah, we're mean now. Yeah, we're mean now. We're making the switch today. Fuck you. No, I'm just joking. You're awesome. We're gathered here today to draft things that make you feel free. Now, to determine the order of the draft, we will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you. We throw and shoot. David's shooting up. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Did I win? Yeah, bro. Hell yeah.

Savor the flavor. A tepid response to Sean's victory. Yeah, really? Feels like the room wanted to see David win. Look at this. You got to see this win What's up? Look at like this You got to see the I said like a tradition of excellence They're used to it

You got to watch the Washington Generals beat the Globetrotters You were there It's fun I don't know about all that I don't know about all that I don't know about all that Alright you got to watch the Lakers beat the Blazers That seldom

That's never happened No I'm saying that it almost never happens. Yeah! Yeah. I like that there's one person who's like, whoa, alright. Hell yeah, that's the energy we're going for here on All Fantasy Everything.

Your favorite podcast. Other than my favorite murder, and probably some sports ones. Probably a couple Rogan heads in the crowd. You guys all listen to the Nine Club, right? That's your favorite podcast. You guys love Roganomics. Roganomics?

Is that what you said? Yeah, that's my thing. I listen to Roganomics. Boganomics. Keith Bogans podcast where he breaks down the financial crisis. Keith Bogans? Keith Bogans? Keith Bogans.

All right. Sean! Yeah? My friend Sean, my dear, dear friend. Light of my life. I say, yeah, that's my name. The candle in my pumpkin. Man, I'm going to use it on Laura.

Absolutely. I'm going to say. The meatball in my spaghetti. Should I be the candle or the pumpkin? Huh? Lance. Oh, you have to tell me how I should present this to my girlfriend later. Should I be the candle or the pumpkin?

You haven't figured that out by now. Where's your relationship? He went ahead and flipped it on its ear. Now I've got to return the ring. Hilarious. Now I can't propose. I propose that you determine the order of the draft, but before you do that,

before you do that, I must remind you that it's a serpentine draft. And what is that, Ian? That's a great question, David. Let's say, well, man, it's wild. It's been 120 times I've tried to explain this to you, but I'll keep going. Let's say we're in someone's hotel room last night,

and Ian and David were there, and I was like, hey, Ian, punch me in the fucking shoulder. Yeah. As hard as you can. Yeah. And he punched me in the shoulder, and I go, David, punch me in the other shoulder as hard as you can. And David did it, and I was like, that wasn't as hard as you could do it. That's not what he said.

Punch me. I have some choice words. The vernacular was a little off color. So, you know, I go, punch me in the shoulder again, please, harder, in my left. And so David did it, and I go, Ian, see what David did? Fucking, please, harder, in my left. And so David did it. And I go, Ian, see what David did? Fucking do that. Punch me in my right shoulder as hard as you can.

So Ian does it. And then I go, man, I can still feel my shoulders. So Ian, go ahead and sock me again in my right shoulder. And then he does it. And I was like, David, see what your boy just did? Do that to my left. That was true. That was what I was doing last night.

But also, it didn't go down like that. I hit him twice. He was very uncomfortable. David, no. Don't make it sound like you were just taking shots. He's kind of like that. They both hit me 80 times in the shoulders. That's not true.

And then I won a state prison record for deadlift after that. How much was it, Sean? How much did you deadlift? Who's to say? How much was it, John? Deadlifting, it's a lifestyle. But how much did you deadlift that day? I mean? How much was it, John? How much did you deadlift? Deadlifting, it's a lifestyle. But how much did you deadlift that day? I mean, who, you know, what are you doing?

What's the average deadlift, Sean? How much does a rainbow weigh? You can't really say, you know? A lot less than what you deadlifted. Come on, man. David, man, put your shirt on. David's shirt is off right now. I've been trying to swim all weekend.

You know that. He's got two nipple rings. Each one of them is holding a different hot air balloon. And one of the hot air balloons is laser from the first American Gladiators. And then the other one is Fozzie Bear from the Muppets. And they're shooting Nerf guns at each other. But instead of those balls, it's delicious, delicious meatballs from Ikea. So it's getting pretty wild here in the Doug firm. Because it's a low ceiling. That's what you don't know about it. Sean pretty wild here in the Doug Fur. Because it's a low ceiling. That's what you don't know about it.

Sean, with that in mind, basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round. You pick first in the second round. Sean Jordan, with that in mind, what will the order of today's All Fantasy Everything draft live at the Doug Fur? What will the order be? Land? Wrong! No, I'm sorry. Wow. What will the order be? Lance?

Wrong! No, I'm sorry. Wow. Aggressive. Sorry, I apologize. It's like he hit me in the shoulder with his voice. It's going to be Lance, David, me, Ian. Hot corner.

He likes that hot corner. Do you feel like now you're pinned into that hot corner? I want to be pinned in the hot corner. He likes it. I love it. I'm just making sure. Making sure. You know, I don't want to do my friend dirty like that. I'm making sure he still likes that hot corner? I want to be pinned in the hot corner. He likes it. I love it. I'm just making sure. Making sure. You know, I don't want to do my friend dirty like that.

I'm making sure he's still like that hot corner. I don't like the hot corner. I didn't fucking ask you, did I? I'll kill you. I can't remember asking you that. I feel like we wouldn't be fighting like this if you would have got a dim sum with us and Ivan Carmelo Marissa. Yeah, it's like a little Marquess Child's party.

I was at a four-year-old's birthday party. Yeah, how was that? I bet nobody said fuck. Well, right when he's old enough to start making memories, I'm like, I should probably show up and reek like whiskey, huh? And talk about how my shoulders hurt for various reasons. Man, if Laura listens to this, she's going to be happy because I talked about proposing and then bummed

because I just talked about that. I'm happy you made it through that story without outing any four-year-olds for crying. Tactical. Lance came to play today. How you want it, Jake? I'm surgical with this motherfucker. That's over. Training day quotes won't help you now.

Stop. You're not first. So, Lance, with the first pick in the things that make you feel free, all fantasy, everything, you have the first pick. Your first pick on all fantasy, everything in general, you're on the clock. I'm going to say jumping into water. Oh! Fuck! Fuck! That was on my clock. I'm going to say jumping into water. Oh, that was on my list,

man, in general, it just, especially as a big dude, man, that's my man. I could be anybody. Dude,

right? Right. And like, as humans, we aren't made to like live in the water or swim. We like some foreign, but it's most of the planet. And in some way we came out of there long, long ago. But like you jump off of where you're meant to be and into the water.

Fuck. Instead of being like. No, that's perfect. That's beautiful. That moment from when you like when you jump in and you're underwater for that moment until you hit the surface, it feels like whole lifetimes could happen in that moment. I'm under there for a gentleman's four minutes. Yeah, absolutely. He goes on for four minutes.

That's part of the Taekwondo training. It really is... Go on. It's cool because it's like, I like it because it's like you can't think of anything else. When you jump into water, all you think about is coming out of the water. So there's no there can't be any bills

or like some girl that's texting you while you're doing a podcast. There's no telephone bills. There's no automobiles. Perfect. But there is a baby we can chill. All you can do is chill. I don't think you swim. So

rhyme it. You and my name is Tim. Come on. They're not all good. They're not all good. You and my name is Tim come on they're not all good you and my name is Tim jumping into water is fantastic you're going to regret that tomorrow yeah I think that's a great one it really is

jumping in the water it's so fun and like it's exhilarating I also like really jumping into like a really cold body of water where it kind of takes the air out of you I like anything that reminds me how small i am i was going to pick something that's only tangentially related so we'll talk about right now but like one of my favorite things to do getting can i say it i bet okay waves crashing waves crashing into you yeah i know my boy is that oh you got it oh shit that's like an extension to this idea but like the detail of like the feeling of

getting hit by a wave i love anything that like makes me feel small and maybe it's having been sort of a he bw my whole life but like uh but it's like it's amazing i love getting like tossed around by a wave and feeling kind of like out of control for a second but then being like i got this just stay calm that's another about, that's the thing about being like a big guy is like you would, you're always in control of your body. No, but like your body's never, you're never not in control of what's happening.

Like, ain't nobody running up on me, picking me up. You know what I mean? They'll look at you and they just pick you. Go, go, come on. That was a cue, That was the cue. That would be crazy. Zach just comes and picks your chair up with one hand like he's a server. One time when I was in high school, I was just walking down the hallway, and as a big dude, people were like, you know,

they're like hitting you and running into you and stuff, like in a fun way. Somebody, like, without even warning me, just, like, ran up and jumped on my back. And obviously I fucking ate, ate it and fell over. And I was like, what are you doing?

And they're like, you're sturdy. I'm like, yeah, but you fucking snuck it. Also, you're not. No,

I'm not that sturdy. I'm emotionally fragile. You jumping on me ruined the integrity of my whole shit. Also, what a wild thing to be like, well, you're sturdy. Go fuck yourself.

One time at, one time at a, one time at band camp, right? Movies. We've seen them. Let's talk about them. One time at band camp. You stuck a flute in your cat piano. When I, when I was a, when I was a young warthog. When I was a, when he was a young warthog.

Wait a minute. I could clear the Savannah. I don't know. I was at Joe. I was at the he was a young Ward Fuck Wait nevermind I could clear the Savannah I don't know I was at I was at the Just for last festival In Montreal, Canada There was a new face

It was my It was my debut performance What did you do with Ian? At the just for last Comedy festival What if this was my new thing And just From here on out

This is how I talked forever And I never explained it I'd be I'm in You would just have to Deal with it eventually There's nothing you could do that I'd be out on. So if you want to do that, I'm in.

Seriously. I'll cry before this is done. I guarantee it. Because at the end of this, I'm going to talk about how dope these last two days have been. Why are you giving up your game, man? Stop, man, because I'm honest. I'm going to make a goat noise with a cup.

Does anybody have a club soda? Is that a wild ask? This one might never see the light of day, so I'm happy that everyone's here. No, this one's great! This one's great! That's Billy Goat for when I was a young warthog. We were at fucking JFL.

I was in New Face, and it was at this after-after party. And me and a bunch of people were just dancing on stage, vibing, and I was standing on the edge of the stage, and Brooks Whelan, shout out to Brooks Whelan dealing, Brooks Whelan, Whelan dealing, Brooks fucking Whelan, bro. Just like out of nowhere, jumped on my back like that was a normal thing, and I fell off the stage. Really?

On to some stairs. Also, Brooks is way too tall to just be jumping upon people. There's no center of gravity that doesn't get affected when Brooks jumps on you. No, exactly. Five, four or under. Otherwise, you'll get to be just jumping on people. Say a word. It's just not okay.

Yeah, jumping on the water is an amazing feeling. I agree. That's a great pick, Lance. I forgot that we were drafting things. That's why you keep me around. That, and my good looks, and all the dirt I got on y'all. He saw me kill that drifter. For those listening, David just opened the bottle of liquor

that he bought on stage. That he brought on stage. He didn't buy it. Oh, I'm sorry. We can't all drink rosé. Stop. Like a fucking divorcee. What are you doing?

Rosé like a divorcee? Let's go eat some hay by the bay. Play with some clay. I just made... Thank you, Lancelot. It was an Adam Sandler joke. I saw that movie with Sean Smith. Shout out.

Where are you at? Not in the room. Yeah. Fuck you, Smith. Oh, there he is. Oh, yeah. He's right there, dude. Oh, yeah.

Mr. Important over in the wings. Sean Smith. There's Sean Smith. 360 dun there he is. Oh, yeah, he's right there, dude. Oh, yeah, Mr. Important over in the wings. Sean Smith, there's Sean Smith. 360 dunks and everything. So this kid, I'll make him quick. So he's from Phoenix. Well, he's from Sioux Falls, but he lived in Phoenix for a while. Hold on. And he got all drunk.

Five bucks says this story sucks. I would do anything for this guy. Anything. Yeah, I love you so much. People don't realize that we love each other a lot. It doesn't suck, by the way. Get your fucking hands off me. It doesn't suck.

We don't actually get along. This is a very Fleetwood Mac situation. I'm Mac. We all take different buses to the venue. We're chilling, and Smith told us that the population of Phoenix was 17 million people, which is astonishing. That's hilarious. And we're,

it was before like super smart phones so our Googles were a little slow and we're like, we're going to check this out, Smith. And as we're doing it,

he's like, well, 15 million. And we're like, uh-uh. But we're still searching and then he got all the way down to like 7 million and we looked it up and it was 6 point, or no, he got to 8 million and we're like uh-uh but we're still searching and then he got all the way down to like seven million and we looked it up and it was six point or no he got to eight million and we're like

it's 6.2 and he goes all right so seven million no six million you don't round up 800 000 people now did that story suck kind of not five dollars yeah it wasn't worth it wasn't five dollars to be fair it was definitely not worth the aside but fuck fuck him. He's right there, you know? I've known the kid for 32 years. Who knows how many people live anywhere? I don't know. How many people do you think live in New York? I don't know how many people are in this room.

Eight million? About eight million, right? Is it eight million? Eight million and more like 10 to 12 with the expanded counties around. Like in the tri-county? Check your tone, Carmel. I don't know. I would have been like 38 million.

I have no idea. It's a good thing I'm handsome. David Borean, it's time for your first pick, my friend. My first pick, Ways That I Feel Free. I'm not advocating this for anybody, but this is a thing my entire life that's always, oh, thank you so much. Oh, thank you, Jessica.

Thank you. Give it up for Jessica Richman, ladies and gentlemen. She also made us cookies, which is so sweet. If you ever went to the Brody Theater, which is where Sean and I owe a lot of our comedic chops to, RIP the Brody Theater, Jessica was a woman in the bar constantly. Give it up for Jessica Richman, ladies and gentlemen. Best laugh in the game. Baked goods for days.

Seriously. Jessica Richman, old school Portland punk rock motherfucker. She's cool as fuck. Fuck yeah. Seriously. Know about it. Dave, what's your first pick? I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, it's not good. No, in this, like I said, I'm not telling you guys to go out and do this, but like, boy, I tell you the truth, since I was a kid, this thing has made me feel free. Breaking the law, man.

Yeah. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. I looked over and I whispered stealing just to see, but yeah. That's racist. No, no. Well, no. No, it's not. We talked about stealing. It could be

talking about financial crime and then it's anti-Semitic. I can joke too. It's not racist. I used to steal. Get your fucking hands off me. Of course you did. Ever since I was a kid that was

one way to be like hey fuck you man i fucking do what i want like it's like when you're breaking the law especially when you're doing it in the face of like extreme penalty it's that feeling of like no no man i'm still gonna move how to move. Like, you don't get to dictate this. Embezzlement. Racketeering. That's the shit David's into. Rackonteuring. Rackonteuring.

Embezzling. Facial contouring. David's just got like a complicated embezzlement web that he weaves. Like, man, I feel great. I feel very good. It's part of that Thanos scheme you bought into. I do. I did embezzle from Hy-Vee. I got that embezzle on the watch.

The whole nother podcast. Either way, the whole point, breaking the law always made me feel like, because there's this whole structure and there's this system to tell you what to do.

And like when you break the law, you're like, yo, I did this and I just got away with it. What's your favorite crime you've committed? I want to see. Okay, hold on.

Like David, there's a story that I think you can tell that wouldn't implicate, you weren see. Okay, hold on. Like, David, there's a story that I think you can tell that wouldn't implicate... You weren't... Okay, here's what... Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this from...

Here's what I'm going to say. This is when David and Lance assassinated President Kennedy. I was the third guy on a grassy knoll. No. Someone maybe had taken an animal from a zoo.

You know Scarface? Liberated an animal from the zoo. Someone, because it's prison for animals anyways, and maybe... So what, his apartment is better? I don't know where they put it. I'm sorry, tell the story. Well, the park is good.

It's a good start. They got him an apartment somewhere. So, yeah, somebody took an animal from a zoo that I was privy to. Be more specific. I will not. Name names. I got warrants in Oklahoma. You think I'm out here fucking talking?

That was one of my most favorite crimes. He stole Garth Brooks' hat. Was someone taking an animal from a zoo zoo we can't say what kind of animal it's so funny all the rappers talk about scamming now I stole credit cards back in the day really?

that was like a big one because it's like here was the hustle you get it in the morning you run it up all day what are you doing in the morning when you're stealing credit cards you're asking me the questions that i don't want to answer you get it in the morning you run it up in the daytime you sell it to these indonesian guys at night and it's like but like when they report it they get all their money back because credit's a fucking scam anyways. They got us all enslaved.

It's a victimless crime. So yeah, running fake cards. And this was back in the- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a victimless crime. There's victims. I mean, I got your back. Go off.

But you know. I was 18. I'm not a smart man. But the point is- You know, weird thing about me, I was never 18. I don't know what you want me to say to that no I didn't you just did the 80s twice

and moved right on what was that from Hook you did the 70s twice and moved right on to the 90s or something like that Hook the movie the motion picture Hook

crimes don't matter the point is like this whole shit's bullshit and breaking the law makes me remember that what kind of animal got stolen from the zoo please I cannot tell you what sort it was like a national news story oh it was a national This whole shit's bullshit, and breaking the law makes me remember that. What kind of animal got stolen from the zoo?

Please. I cannot tell you. What sort? That's the most discriminating part. It was like a national news story. Oh, it was a national news story? Yeah, it was like a big deal. It was a big deal. And you don't-

Well, I'm going to find out. Wait. I'll tell you after the show. I'll tell you after the show. You guys, Lance knows what you're talking about. Yeah, Lance knows. Yeah. I think we should move on to a different topic.

All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, all right, all right. I'm really not trying to go down for that. Sure, I feel you. Job field, job field, job provides. But let's just say... A manatee? It's way easier...

If you're trying to liberate some shit, zoos don't have a lot of security. Like, it's way easier than you think. I'll tell you afterwards. I'll tell you afterwards. Oh, yeah, no, I know you will. I call it zoo-curity, though. Really trying to change the subject.

Oh, calm down. It was that bad? Ian, is it time for my first pick? It's time for your first pick. We're only 45 minutes in. Oh, I want to say, I've never really committed a ton of crimes. Yes, it's not time for my first pick.

You have though. Crime is so easy. Didn't you get a ticket the other day for being too handsome? Let me finish the story! You got a ticket for being purse pick. You have, though! Crime is so easy! No, no, I... Didn't you get a ticket the other day for being too handsome? Let me finish the story! You got a ticket

for being too handsome, right? I did get one of those. Yeah, illegal. Illegal. It was me, Clunes, and McAvoy, and the three of us were riding

a three-person bicycle. The four Hemsworth brothers. And the cops couldn't help but pull us over. The only crime... The crimes I really committed were, you know, because I grew up fairly privileged. I didn't ever want for anything.

But the legal age for drinking is 21 years of age. And I was not 21 for about 21 years. And we used to do beer runs at the grocery store. We used to like run into Safeway, grab a bunch of beer, run out to the car. Yahoo, we called it. We'd throw out to the car. Who we called it. We throw it into the trunk and they just drive away. Me and that guy sometimes. Is it Nampay?

It's Nampay. Not on the mic, but in the room. Nick Nampay, not on the mic, in the room. I'll tell you this. Nah, man, you gotta break some laws because fuck them. Nick, remember when we'd also throw beef jerky in there because it was like, well, that's expensive. Let's just also steal that.

It's not anymore illegal. Dude, I've been trying to take down big jerky for years. Talk about it. I'm not proud of this, but my favorite illegal thing I've ever done was when I first moved here and I just read the dirt. I was with that kid right there,

Adam Neuroth, and we were walking. It sucks. It's a terrible thingurath and we were walking and it sucks. It's a terrible thing I did. We were walking in downtown Portland and I looked at this little picture window to a business and I hate it and I was like, the dirt and I kicked it out and then we ran. It's a bad story. I don't like that I did it.

Did you just yell the name of a book and then kick in the window? I was just happy I read a book. Anybody around would have been like, oh yeah, that's a Motley Crue move. Where in the world though? The dark! Adam and I took off and Tori just stood there like, well, that was stupid.

Our friend Tori. Anyway. Another bad story? How many am I at? What am I at? Like five or six? Sean, time for your pick. My first pick. My first pick, ways to We're not. All right. My first pick. Ways to make people a nice little stroll.

Where are you going? I thought it was coming to like an interesting comedy event. Sorry, man. They're all going to leave. Get back out here. What is wrong with that?

A nice little stroll. My three friends suck all of a sudden. Yo, that's a good pick! David, that was so nice of you to come back. I think that was a great pick! Thanks, Ian, man. That was really cool of you to say. Oh! Mr. G. So, seriously, man. That was really cool of you to say. Oh.

Mr. G. So, seriously, was that... Was it corny? I don't get what happened. Yes, well, I'm corny. I'm sorry. A nice little stroll. I went on one with Ivan Carmel no more than an hour ago,

and I was thrilled about it. You went on a stroll with Ivan Carmel? I did. I saw him walking with Super Producer. Oh, yeah, yeah. They were walking, No more than an hour ago, and I was thrilled about it. You went on a stroll with Ivan Carmel? I did. I saw him walking with Super Producer. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. They were walking, and I accosted him, and I was like, let's go on a nice little stroll. It just makes me feel...

You were like, look out, Jew! Is that what you were going to accost him? Ivan Carmel right there, by the way, the pitbull of Portland. Give it up. I need to know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where's Lance? I don't know.

He's pissed about that great pick. Why did you guys get so upset about that? We were kidding. Lance wasn't kidding. It was funny. I don't know. I didn't really care. No, but Lance got up, and then I was like, well, yeah, commit to the bit, you know?

Also, as soon as I stood up, I realized I wanted some of that salami and cheese back then. Yeah, when you do shows, they let you put a little rider together, and we got on ours, cured meats. But just so I'm okay, that was an alright pick, right? Lance, you hopped up so quick. Why? It was more interesting other places. Huh?

This guy. Oh, I love it! You think you know a guy? I, I love it. You think you know a guy. I, uh, yeah, I don't. A nice little stroll. I'm going to write that down. What the fuck is wrong with that pic? It's good to clear.

I honestly don't get it. I feel free when I'm on a nice little stroll. It's good to clear your head sometimes. Seriously, exactly. Why did you get up? What are you talking about? You went on a nice little stroll to get some more liquor, huh? For the listeners at home, we got it. Lance,

David, and I got up and left when John made his pick. It was hilarious. It is an audio medium after all. They left for a second, but then they both got on mic and said some things. I brought it back. I think we all know they both came back and said like... What was your impression? Can I hear your impression of me again?

My name is Ian Carmel. Which is ridiculous. God damn it. I'm a six foot three. I'm a six foot three, 350 pound Jewish man. And my name sounds like a whimsical... British. British candy store.

Man, I really took the wind out of my own sails. I can do your jokes. I suck, bro. Nobody likes me. Man, man. Huh? Wow. I didn't really get a kick out of that one. Do my jokes. I suck, bro. Huh? Wow. I didn't really get a kick out of that one.

Do my jokes. I suck, bro. Nobody likes me. Because they love me. To be as far away as possible. Me and Ian were not with you today, and we were talking about how great it is that everybody loves you. We really were. That was like two hours ago.

We were talking about we were at dim sum and then some. I said that joke earlier. It sounds like you guys took a nice little stroll to get there, right? We did, but we were talking about how David probably gets the biggest pops or whatever. People are very excited to see David. And I'm obviously the handsome one.

Sean, we think you're the heart of the whole operation. You are the heart. You really are. Not yet. Not yet. We got three more hours of a podcast before I start crying. I can't tell.

You're crying right now. I'm getting there. That shit's glassy as hell. I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I did watch The Lion King earlier, and there's no way I'm not crying when I do that. Dude, I've been listening to Can You Feel the Love Tonight on my iTunes a lot, and like, it's like, you don't realize how good of a song it is.

You know what I mean? So real quick, I'm going to say it again. No, pal, the sail, the sail, sail, I'm a sail. Oh, Ian said it right. It was my idea for the podcast, so I get to sing whatever I want. The sail, right? It was my idea for the podcast where I get to sing whatever I want. It was my idea. It was my idea.

I don't even know how I talk to y'all, fucking jerks. Oh, you tell people to buy my album. My album has sold three copies. Your podcast doesn't work. Oh, no, ma'am. I'm headlining tonight. I don't drink before I headline.

That's Shane. I'm doing the Comedy Factory in Tallahassee, Oregon. Yeah. It's not affiliated. I'm doing the Laugh Factory in Cincinnati, not affiliated with the Long Beach or LA Laugh Factory. It's the Cincinnati Laugh Factory. I'm doing the Giggle Duck. Also, Laugh Factory, if you're listening, more dates for the kid.

Come on. Oh, Malloy? You want Malloy to get more dates? Fuck Mike Malloy. No, I'm the kid. No, Mike's the kid. Mike's the kid. I'm four years younger than Mike.

Yeah, but Mike has never worn adult outfit in his life. Mike made me think I can wear joggers, and I wear them now. You can wear joggers. I want you to take more fashion risks. Why don't you get up and leave again after I pick something awesome? We have gotten stuck in the minutia. And I would like you to talk about why you like

a stroll, Sean Jordan. It's dope. Oh, cool. Great pick. In what way does that like break the shackles and make you free? Because it makes you... How does that like sever the rigors of like being crushed? So when I go on a stroll, like

a nice little stroll, not like I'm walking to the bus or something, but when I'm on a nice little stroll like I was earlier, honestly. Do you ever go on a nice big stroll or is it always? You want to keep talking or you want me to finish? I'm sorry. He started out talking about it. When I go on a nice little stroll and I do, like I look up at the sky

and I just get happy. You're like magnets. How do they work? Yeah. And then I figure out because I'm hella smart, bro. I don't know how they work. I remember at Bridgetown, the first time I figured this out, we were doing a show at Bossa Nova and I

talking to Ian or somebody of note, like a good friend of mine, and I was like, just walk around the block and enjoy this. And I walked around the block and enjoy this. It was me. And I walked around the block and I just took a nice little stroll, listened to some music

and I was like man this is dope. That's how it, because you forget about everything much like jumping into water. Man you guys. It's a moment. No, no, no. Why would they laugh? It would be so weird if they were like you took a nice little stroll. They're like ha ha Sean. I want you to know what you think is valid, and I like hearing you talk about it.

I do like it. No, you're right. You take a moment to appreciate. Seriously. But for you, that involves one of the methods of mobility. A real casual walk. Like just a real casual, calm, chill walk. What's your ideal length?

Like a mile? Nine inches. I got you. My man's swinging hog. By the way, like half an inch. By the way, also, Sean has huge balls, though. He's got really big balls. That's true.

That's a fact. Sean has giant balls. It's weird. Crazy big-ass nuts. It's a medical condition, actually. His friends are shaking their heads. Those two have seen him. Yeah, no, he has huge nuts.

It's really gnarly. Anyway, it just... You like to pick those big-ass balls up and walk around. Whacking them in the thighs. Stumbling all over the place. Are you drunk? Yeah, but that's not why I'm stumbling.

You like to rub baby powder on your thighs because the fat nuts are going to be rubbing. Lance, please stick up for me. I don't know what to say. I'm saying you have big balls. You're going to him? He was the guy who led the walkout. I know. Just a nice little... Yeah, my voice cracked. Just a nice little stroll.

It's freeing to me. A nice little stroll. Fuck you, dude. Whoa, whoa. I don't like you. No, no. God, no. Me? No, I was talking to that dude over there. Oh, yeah. Fuck that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For those of you listening, Hitler's at the show. It's weird, but he's here. He bought a ticket. What am I going to say? No, you know what I mean? So, yeah, nice little stroll. They're going to get an earlier.

All right. Well, yeah. If you didn't like that one. They're going to get drafted in the parking lot if we don't speed up. Oh, yeah. We have some sort of damn. we need to use a truck. We've done an hour on one pick. Are we having a good time? We're having fun, right?

Yeah. Lance is like, yeah, alright, we're having fun. It's time for Ian Carmel's pick. Your first and second pick, as it is. Yeah, Serpentine Draft, absolutely. I'm going to say this. It was a little something Dave and I were actually talking about earlier.

Something that makes me feel free, and forgive me if this is a bit too literal. But owning your shit. Like, owning, and not in a spiritual way. Like, owning the things you make, and not making them for someone else. Just making them for you and the other people involved. Exactly. Like. Whoa.

What'd you see? A rollerblade competition happening? What happened? Nobody came. I go to Adam and Sean. I go, is anyone coming? They're like, nah. No, that's it's

that's fantastic like I don't know man like as comedians and Lance I'm sure you can relate to this as well

but like as people who make stuff often times I mean the system you know you have to work with like big companies to make your stuff and it is like I mean I work everyday for like the late late show and I love everyone I work with but it

is not by any means an expression of what I actually think is funny or what I want to do with my shit like so and this is thanks to you everyone in this room and everyone listening at home like I mean what we get to do with all fantasy everything is just a pure expression of who we are as people and I did nothing makes me feel more free. It really is. It really is. We get to be us, you know?

Yeah, this is like, we did it on our own terms. I don't have to be like, okay, I mean, is this, what's going to be funny for Ja Rule to say to James Corden in the front seat of a Land Rover? Anything. Anything that Ja Rule says to James Corden in the front seat of a Land Rover. Anything. Anything. Anything that Ja Rule says to James Corden

in the front seat of a Celica. Can we pull through that Arby's? Or beef and cheese might save me. That is how I order at Arby's though. Let me get them cheddar poppers. But, I mean, like, sincerely, like. No, it is.

You're right, though. We were just talking about this. Yeah. Yeah, the idea of owning your own shit and, like, yeah, because that's what we do. We make shit and, like, we make so much shit that people just get to have and dictate what they do with it like and yeah and not even on the money tip although that's like cool too but just like it doesn't fucking matter as long as i got a roof and like enough money to go to arby's i'm fine you know but like three hots and a cup for me but like i don't know like i don't know if y'all know this

but like when you want to make something in the industry, like the amount of people you get notes from and shit is like odious and nauseating. And the notes are always like people in Minnesota don't like that. Yeah. Are you sure? Easy. You're getting close to South Dakota, my friend.

They're not smart. I'm saying they're dumb. You're getting close to South Dakota. What are you doing? You're getting close to South Dakota. This is Minnesota. Wait, holy buckets.

I thought Lil Yachty was over here. That was Ian. You guys notice that Holy buckets. I thought Lil Yachty was over here. That was Ian. You guys notice that? I thought that was Lil Yachty. Thanks, Lil Boat. I fuck with your pick

though, Heavy, man. Thank you, buddy. Yeah, owning your own shit. I mean, Lance, I'm sure you've run into that kind of thing too, right? Yeah, absolutely.

It's way more satisfying to just make something that you're interested in and if people react to it, great. If not, just make the next thing. If not, right. At least you made yourself happy.

So sincerely, thank you for making that possible for us. It means the world. Seriously. That is a good point. Like, yeah, you guys do help us to feel like, like, I don't even know if you understand, but like. You don't help us. You are the reason we can do this.

Yeah, like the freedom that you guys supporting this has given us is like one of the greater things that's ever happened to me. Man, let's fight. I don't know, man. I'm already exhausted. This is the most emotion I've ever put out in a conversation. I love it. We've hugged so many times.

You're making me, you're pulling a lot out of me. Pass that tequila. Here's my second pick. Wait, we're only an hour in. It's already on your second pick. Oh, shit. I feel like we're really. That's a quick one.

We're really going fast, huh? All right, again, forgive me for taking an obvious choice here, but another one is traveling the world. I just feel like, really, it makes me feel very free.

Of course. You get stuck in your own smattering of a plus. No, yeah, I mean, me and Zach went to Cincinnati last weekend, so I get it. It just makes me...

You just feel better. You feel big. Couple of lucky boys... You just feel better. Couple of lucky boys. You just feel better when you go to Cincinnati. But you are right about that. It's just nice to go around and, again, I don't know, it's the same thing as getting tossed around in waves. It's nice to be made to feel small.

Even like it shrinks your ego a little bit. Like if you're walking through fucking France and you're like, none of these people give a fuck about the 15 minutes I did on Netflix. You know, like, it's just good, but it also makes you feel free. Like you're like in the world. There's a whole huge world out there and you can fucking go look at it and show,

oh, you guys stuggling? No, I'm stoked, man. I'm just stoked. Yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. David just, he pulled the mic away and he goes, I love you.

And I'm like, I love you. Oh, I love you guys. All right, yeah. This is amazing. This is amazing he goes, I love you. And I'm like, I love you. Oh, I love you guys. All right, yeah. This is amazing. This is amazing. I don't know why you had to tell everybody. Because I wish you guys wanted me to feel way less special. Buy Shane's album, you know?

Established in 1841 or whatever it's called. Established in who gives a fuck? Been growing my ponytail since 1742. Since Mel Gibson, since the idea of the Patriot was thought about, I've been growing my ponytail. But, no, I think that that's a great... At this point, I can't say not all of them

are funny. I have to say most of them aren't funny, I guess. This is a good one because it has the highs and the lows. Oh, the highs and the lows oh the highs and the lows I feel like I'm all the lows every dog has its day there's something about

something about being out there man you're like oh shit like I you know and like not just traveling like overseas and stuff too like being on this

like I was just on this road trip doing like stand up and shit with Anna and like I was just like oh I could just also do this I could just be up in northern California doing shows and I bet somebody would give me enough ribs to get by no it's and that's like is someone who like you know me that's like what I that's how I get that that's like what I do is travel for stand-up it's like there's something

good about going to see another community and realizing that like you're tiny we're all tiny yeah doesn't even it's not like nobody's that big as big as your problems are they're not really that big right so many other people you don't really matter that much but that's like a beautiful thing not even you at talk hoops fuck you Harper I love Harper It was especially not you. There was a lot of tension in here. Especially not you. Fuck you, Harper. I love Harper. I do, too. I'm always really thankful when he's around. I'm like, I'm glad Zach's here.

Anytime Zach Harper is there, the night goes up two to five notches. Yeah, and that's because the woman he's with is the hottest woman in the world. Yeah, that's crazy. It's crazy. Harper always drives me to women. Sorry, but your boy's bringing... I mean, yes. What?

Crazy. Huh? Huh? No, Laura's my queen. What are we doing? I don't talk about other women. You look good, though, huh? No, I can see you out of one eye. I'm blind as a bat. We said it at the same time.

This is the part of the podcast that apparently is just for us. Let's move on. Yeah, traveling. Traveling. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick only somehow. Go ahead. So you can veto this if you want.

I will. You kind of touched on it. I bet you will, Panama Red. Wait, what'd you call it? Did you call it Dan Margera? What did you say? It was for Meet the Parents. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.

And he goes, I bet you would, Panama Red. That's what I just said to you. So my second pick... We all think it's hilarious. We all think it's... So my second pick is going to be a road trip. Can I pick that? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a great pick. You mentioned a road trip, but for me... No, it's okay. I should have said road trip if that's what I meant. No, absolutely. Is it really? What? You didn't mean road trip, but for me... No, it's okay. I should have said road trip if that's what I meant. No, absolutely. Is it really? What? You didn't mean road trip, right? No, no, no. You got it. That's good. And also Lance said yes. I'm not going to argue with Lance.

Well, if you're going to talk to me, put your shirt back on. I will not put my shirt back on. Lance also, put your shirt back on. I will literally take my shirt off. Lance just went on a road trip, right? You just went on... Lance just went on... But I was going to say, like, road trip can imply that you've got some good friends or traveling companions. Yeah, and again, I keep just world travel. Yeah, exactly.

I'm pointing to these two, but, you know, my two friends over there. Can you guys come out so they can see you for a second? Is that okay? Just so they can see you. Oh, yeah, bring them out. Bring them out. Adam, bring them out.

What's up, buddy? I've known this kid for 32 years. Oh, yeah, what's up, buddy? A good road trip, so... You guys just had to see so you know they're real. I have friends. I grew up in Sioux Falls. I don't know if you know that,

but I grew up in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and we used to take road trips to Minneapolis all the time to skate and to go see hip-hop shows. You skateboard? Yeah. Born and raised. Top of the food raised. 100% Yo, we took David and Marissa to Beaverton today.

You can't say anything to us. Oh yeah, we got some dim sum with Ivan Carmel. Oh no, I was at a four-year-old's birthday that he won't remember. Yeah, how's that? But you got weighed a bunch. When he's a grown-up, he's gonna be like, yeah, my fourth birthday smelled like whiskey. That's what I remember. Hey, that's what I remember from mine, and I'm a cool guy.

You got cool guy jokes. Don't do that to me. You got about 87 of them, yeah? You got about 87 of them, you silent G. I didn't think the platform was going to last. No, just a good... And road trips can be stressful. Like when you wake up and you're like,

fuck, we're going to drive nine hours or whatever. I'm talking like a good five-hour trip. And you're not in a rush. You can stop, get some food. You stop at roadside attractions, whatever. Just chill out, have fun. It's kind of like from L.A. to Vegas. That sort of trip.

Where we went to Las Vegas. That was a good road trip. Pepperoni sticks. We went to the Grill and Chill. And you go to like Las Vegas and that was a good road trip pepperoni sticks we went to the grill and chill and you go to a gas station and you're like what's everyone coming out with and it's you know

weird shit it's all weird shit yeah that's I didn't know David could carry that many porno mags I didn't know they made porno mags still

I'm over here with jerky and Mountain Dew and David's like no every X you can put on the magazine let me get all of it oh you know what I like

give me 40 copies of Swank, sir. I'm going to Vegas. Swank. He's a classy boy, this boy. Swank. Oh, my goodness. I like that I just buy a ton of the same porno magazine. Give me all the copies of January.

By the way, this reminded me, I don't know why it reminded me of this, and I guarantee you it's not the porn lotion connection, but I went to David's room to take a shit shortly before the podcast, and you were talking about how you were a little ashy, and I was looking around your room for lotion, right here at the Jupiter Hotel,

and here's how you know Portland is an incredibly Caucasian city. There was no lotion. There were two condoms. Thank you! How am I going to use the condoms if I don't have lotion? I'll tell you this. How am I going to have sex if I'm ashy?

Like, come on, bro. I'll tell you this. Those condoms, by the way, there are condoms. They couldn't look like cheaper condoms. It's gnarly. They also are like little condoms. All those. Fizz? Fizz? That's not a big joke. couldn't look like cheaper condoms. It's gnarly. They also are like little condoms. Although... There's...

That's not a big dick joke. That's a why are they making these tiny... No, that was a big dick joke. No, it's like the circles like that. Condoms at the Jupiter are preventing some of the most, like, pregnancies that we wouldn't want. You know what I mean? Like, the sex that is being had over there, we don't want children

born in that. We don't need another trance DJ. No, you don't need, yeah. I'm not saying get rid of the condoms. I'm saying fucking put some lotion in your rooms. Yeah, I'm still ashy. Probably going to be ashy all day. Road trips, dude. I fucking love a road trip.

I love making a playlist for a road trip. You know what I mean? Yeah. Putting ooh la la by the faces on there and then a bunch of other songs though that's why that's one of the reasons I'm most excited about this tour this summer is just to go on road trips with you guys we're going on tour this summer not as AFP

we started a noise rock band I hate that when I say serious stuff I don't know I never put like stop stuttering dude I know I'll kill you when I say funny stuff

it's all spicy but then when I say what I really think it's just always very boring and I wish I could like make it flower like I wish I could be like I love you

do you spell boring with a G in front of it but it's just always like it's just always like it's always like I love you very much sir. Like it doesn't like but I do and all that or whatever. Sincerity is scary.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how you brought that. David only has four things on his list. It's a five round. It's because I erased one. It's a five round draft. I erased it after I drafted. Mogan David Borey it's time for your second pick. This one is another weird one that might be specific to me and it's like, once

again, like my first one, it's not one that I feel like you should do. I'm not like, I'm not out here trying to give you advice. I'm just telling you how I get down. And my whole life, I've always been really obsessed with time. It's just, I don't know why. It's just like

one of my freak things. I always got to know what time it is. The magazine? Oh, okay. Wasting time. It's a free podcast. The spice. Wasting time to me is a thing that makes me feel good. It's weird.

It's like the point. I know it's so weird, but time is a commodity. There's not weird, but like time is a commodity. Like there's not enough of it. Time is a construct. Okay. No, it's real. There's a passing of it.

That's not the point. The point is like, the point is like, there's like, if you could get to the point, that'd be tight. You're killing me, dog. You're killing me, dog. I have like an important thing I want to say. I'm sorry. This is like, this is like how I really feel about stuff. It's like,

we've commodified it to the point that like, time is how you measure everything. So it's like a 40 hour work week or whatever. So like, to be able to waste that, waste your time

is like shitting in the face of that. I don't know, man. No, I feel you. I feel you. It's like, it's like, it means, like my time has always been, to me personally personally it's the most important thing to me and it means more to me than making money it means more to me than anything

else i'll take my time over everything i don't give a fuck like i'll quit doing this i'll work part-time and live under a rock if i could just sit around for four hours and just think about whatever i think about yeah yeah that's like you know yeah, yeah. That's like, you know what I mean? Like, that's like, that is like, to me, that's my most important thing. That's why, like, when I'm with you guys, it's important to me and I give you guys my time because I love you because that's what I care about.

You're not beholden. You're not beholden to anyone, so it makes you feel free. So if you're just sitting there making, like, phyllo dough, you know, versions of us and then making them kiss and stuff, nobody can tell you boo because that's what you want to do. And it's weird because I have nothing to show for it. But the fact that I, the fact that it's mine to waste is a really big deal. Absolutely.

When I have a day where I'm, and you guys, you've come over to my house multiple times when you weren't working. You see, what do I, what are you doing today, David? We're watching Belly, even though we don't want to. Yeah. Or I'm just like sitting on the porch watching people walk by. But that's because that's like, that's important to me to be able to do it. So yeah, wasting time is like, it's one of the only, it's like one of the only ways I can check back into myself and like understand who I am.

So wasting time, wasting time, wasting time. That's a wonderful pick, my friend. It's a real big deal to me. it's a real big deal to me it's a real big deal oh thank you I'm glad you guys let me say that because my mom just thinks I'm lazy but you guys yo your mom fucking face time you in the car. Oh, dude. Can we talk about it? We got to hear this. Last night. Give me the 30 second recap. Earlier, my mom fucking FaceTime. My mom was in Amsterdam getting all stoned with her girls. And she FaceTimed me and it was hilarious.

Her girl just like took the camera from my mom and just started saying black comedians. Wait, her girl, like her crew you're talking about? Yeah, my mom's crew. And this lady was just like, Steve Harvey, Chris Tucker, Martin Lawrence. Martin Lawrence. I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, you ain't

no Robin Harris. Robin Harris? That's not right And I was like, Robin Harris? That's not right. And I was like, you guys are stoned. And so that lady's saying black comedians to me. My mom's just laughing. And then her other friend, the white lady they took on the trip, her other friend just has a scarf up to her eyes.

And it's just not saying anything. Like a middle- sub-zero. She's just like looking at the camera. So shout out to my mom getting doofy with her friends in Amsterdam right now. Lance, time for your, and I can't believe I'm saying this, second pick.

We got some lightning rounds ahead. This might be a three round draft. As a brief, short, straight-up feeling that we don't have to get deep on that just makes you feel free. Sure. Jumping on a bike, riding at night, taking your hands off of the handlebars.

Yes! Yeah! And then jumping off and ghost riding that bike until it crashes. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And Lance goes...

No, that... Lance goes as something that... It does feel so good. Yeah. But Lance goes as something that, as something that, it does feel so good. Yeah. But Lance goes, as something that, like, doesn't need to be talked about a lot,

that's such a wild pick. Well, we can talk about anything, but like, no, that's like, yo, it's fucked up

because I've done it before and my shit's like hit a parked car and you're just like, nobody's around, fuck it, it's hilarious. And you're just in the street like the car

and the bike were stolen. Right? Yeah. I wasn't on the bike. God did that. Dog, my brother had a lime green mongoose with pegs on the front and the back that he handed down. We call that a pussy getter.

Exactly. That's your fucking stairs the cat piano your way. Sounds like Huffy talk to me. That shit was fun because it had the pegs

on the front and back so you could do all sorts of wild shit with it. We would like, you know, jump off it. And you could ride

like six tweens on it. Yeah, exactly. You could take people going to Target to get juju bees, you know. You could take Sean and Adam

to B&G Milky Way on that bike. Man, that was another terrible one, huh? What a bummer. Is it going to happen all day? Is that my day? What's B&G Milky Way? Huh? What? What? You look good, though.

No, I'm blind as a bat. Your third pick, Lance. Might as well rub my face in it. What? What is B&G Milky Way? Is that what you said? Yeah, man. What is that, though?

Well, it's a state of mind. It's an ice cream shop in Sioux Falls. Nobody, you know. Lance got some. Do they sell malts too? Stop man We're done talking about it I'm trying to make

Your shit interesting Stop I'm alright I'm out here living You see me I'm out here I'm out blind as a bet Stop

Lance time for your third pick No no It's a serpentine draft Oh wait Nope Yep Wait Nope Yep Your third pick. No, no, it's a serpentine draft. Oh, wait, nope, yep, wait, nope, yep. Your third pick. Yeah, you're doing two because you're in the hot corner.

Well, I've been drinking so much apple juice, my blood sugar is so high, so I can't even remember what's going on. Yeah, that's what's doing it. Less quick of a concept than ghost riding the bike. Anything that you can do to obliterate your perspective, to achieve ego death, to put yourself into service to other people.

Deemsters? What's that? DMT. Oh, if that's what gets someone there. That's what did it for me. No, I think like that where... Giving. Yeah, where you like abandon your priorities

and, you know, do... No, you're right though. Making other the priority, making someone other's well-being the priority and not thinking about yourself i think that's wonderful i think that's the that's the what is it is it also feels like okay go ahead i feel like i'm saying a bunch of hippie shit on this episode and i don't know how i feel about it yeah it's a new day of a boy pass that to keel it's the same. It's just we're tapping into a lot of like how I really feel about shit. Like that achieving ego death.

Ego death is like the only way that you know that we're all together. Like when you do that, it's like the... Man, it's like when you do that... They're laughing because I want the tequila. They're not laughing at your thoughts. Thank you. They was out here airing a soul out. I was like, yo, I'm telling my life, and they're just laughing at me.

You know, you go down there and everyone's like, fuck you, dude. That man has feelings. I heard you like Hoobastank. You know, one go down there and it's like, fuck you, dude. That man has feelings. I heard you like Hooba Stank. You know, one of those things. But no, that feeling and whatever takes you to it is like the only way that you can like tap back in and realize we're all together. I feel so fortunate to have the family and the parents I have. I know they're here, so you could consider this, I don't know, sucking up or whatever. But I really do feel.

Nobody thinks that. Okay, so like, you know, like I got my dad over there. And that's a man who's like volunteered hours and hours of his life doing law for, you know, trans custody. For people who are trans, like, you know, in custody and divorce stuff. So that's amazing. And then I got my mom over there who's like, she's the last person she ever thinks about. St. Sue Carmel's in the building, by person she ever thinks about. St. Sue Carmel's in the building by the way.

Good ever St. Sue Carmel. That's a woman who raised her own you know six kids and then on top of that raised like all of our friends as well. Like this is a part like people who like really put themselves last and like I feel so grateful. God this is one of the most earnest podcasts we've ever done. No I really

am thankful for it. Lance nailed it on the pick. I don't know I feel so grateful. God, this is one of the most earnest podcasts we've ever done. No, I really am thankful for it. Lance nailed it on the pick. That's the fucking point. I feel so grateful to have been raised by those two people. And all my other family members as well who are also generous. I mean, like, nothing, all the fucking dope shit we get to do, nothing ever feels better than helping other people. And by the way, if you came to the stand-up shows last night,

you guys helped raise $3,000 for Kenton Women's Village. I did it. They're going to buy a computer lab to teach the women who live in the village unnecessary job skills, and that's because of fucking you guys. That's because of you. You, bro. I want to say guys. I mean that general neutral.

That's because of y'all. Y'all. Y'all bros. Lord Almighty, we're being very sincere. neutral. That's because of y'all. Y'all bros. Lord Almighty, we're being very sincere. But Lance, yes, it fucking feels amazing. It really does. No, that's the big one. Man,

it's just so important, man. What were you about to get into before that? What was the animal from the zoo? I feel like you were about to Yo, I for real can't I know that

What if it was like a giraffe? I'm kidding, I'm kidding I think you guys are great But like I'm not trying to I don't really think Get locked up for great We can just lie to him Just lie to him

Say it was a Komodo dragon Wearing a tiny little hat It was a manta ray Or a Komodo dragon Or the Zaxxasconi dragon I'll tell you afterwards What I was going to say before though Was just that like What was a manta ray? A kimono dragon. What was a sexist guy? I'll tell you afterwards. What I was going to say before, though, was just that I kind of...

It sounds so hippie. I'm not a hippie. I'm from Colorado. You can be a hippie, man. Those are mutually exclusive things. What the fuck are you talking about? If you were from my town, you would get it. Yeah, you're from Elizabeth, but Colorado. I did get there

through I got there through drugs. But that it's like one of the most formative experiences of my life. I feel like I'm very lucky to be able to take my energy and give it to people.

I feel like that's my gift in this world and that's because of that idea of ego death thank you, thank you I'm so thankful to do that and I think that's because of that idea of experiencing that of ego death and being like I'm not important anyways, it doesn't matter what I'm doing

you know what I mean it's a big concept for me it's really important to me. So I feel really. Yeah, dude. I'm glad you picked it. Yeah. Big concept was my nickname in middle school, which is wild because you have huge nuts.

I heard about that. Call me the big concept. Oh, now it's fine. Now it's all right. Now it's all right. It was never all right. I don't even know whose turn it is. Oh, hold on.

Hold on. Well, is it mine? No, it's a young man named David Borey's turn. Oh, it's my turn. Okay, hold on. All right. Yeah, take a second. Yeah, definitely, because we got time to spare.

Oh, okay. We got a lot of time. Hold on. Give me like three seconds. You ready for it? It feels like you're pouring hot oatmeal on my stomach. Well, hold on. What are you doing?

It'd help if you put your shirt back on. I can't promise you anything. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Easy, easy. David. I hate it. I hope someone assassinates you. I hate it. I hate it.

I hope someone fascinates you. I hate it. Like, you know why I hate it? Can I tell you why I hate it? It feels like you're going to whether I want you to or not. I love you so much, and I love the light you emit and the beam you shine in the world. It freaks me out that something so gross can come out of something I think is so beautiful. Stop it!

Dude, let me pick. No, no, no, no, no. David, make your pick. Sean, stop it. You're not going to say anything helpful. You're just going to say... I will turn this podcast around right now, I swear to God. We're lucky to even go to the mall.

There's a paying audience and you're making Ken Kniff noises, for God's sake. Some people Kniff noises. For God's sake. Some people are into it. Somebody. David, go ahead. Oh, yeah. So my next bit is sex. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Stir the stew. Candle or pumpkin? What? Candle or pumpkin? Stand still. Candle or pumpkin? What? Candle or pumpkin?

You're surgical with it. Holy buckets, man. I'll tell you what, it depends on the season, man. I pick fruit from every tree as long as it's ripe. You know what I'm talking about? I think that like being a human is really really like man I hate seeing all this hippie I'm not human so explain it to me

the topic is feeling free it was unavoidable Bubby go ahead I make a lot of food but I don't like telling people the spices I put in it and then this whole podcast is just like you don't have a problem telling them how much you giant balls your bushers bake beans and they're all that dog go ahead

the point is I feel like the way our system right now is really set up to get away from like what it is to be like an animal or in tune with this earth or be a person or whatever and sex is one thing that we all do where it's like at least for when we're

married yeah Sean thing that we all do where it's like at least for... When we're married. Yeah, Sean. I've never had sex. When we're married, if we want to go to heaven. No, it's just like... I don't know if heaven sounds like that good of a party to me, to be honest. Heaven is a half pipe, I'll tell you that right now.

There's a bunch of people not fucking smoking or drinking. Whoa! Everybody's married in heaven. It's all right. No, the point is like sex is like, I feel like everything is very regimented and we all have these things that we have to pretend that we are. And sex is like a very open place to just be you and your body naked and be like, this is what I like.

This is what I like. Let's make each other feel good. And it's like above everything. And I don't think about it as some crazy thing. It's just like more real than real. It's just more real than anything else we do.

It really is. It really is the most real thing you can do. You go out with somebody and it's like, I'm pretending I'm like this and I make this much money and you should like me for this. But then when my dick's out, my dick's just out. You know what I mean? And like we're going to do whatever we're going to do with that.

No, you're right. Because like all the time we're so trapped in our own heads, but when you're having sex, you're like, don't come yet. Don't come yet. She's going to be mad. Don't come yet. Baseball, baseball, baseball. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sioux Falls, South Dakota. And then I finish. Yeah. Atta boy. Atta boy. That's because I love you, doggy. Love you more. Sean Jordan, time for your third pick.

I know it wasn't going to get picked at all by anybody, but I want to talk about it. And it's cruising on a skateboard. Kick, push, push. Just cruising on a skateboard. Long board or short board? I was kidding. I just said it to make you mad.

David, delete my number. Yeah, I will. Just cruising down the street on a skateboard. In my 6'4". Cruising down the street on my skateboard is... In my 6'4". Cruising down the street on my skateboard. It's, to this day, it's one of the best things in the world

because I'm not as good at skating as I used to be, but I can still ride it and you still just feel you forget about everything. He's not as good as he once was. But he's good once

as he ever was. Do you... When you say cruising, does it... So, like, I've always wondered this about skateboards. Nine inches. Almost, almost. I knew it, and I still liked it. I still liked it.

The crowd was not happy with that. I know. Calm down. I've always wondered, like, does it, like, is there... Does it need to be... Like, skateboarding on flat land, does it like, is that, does it need to be like skateboarding on flatland? Is it the same feeling as like cruising a hill for you?

You need, you need cruiser wheels. Yeah, it does. So like for what I'm talking about, just cruising down the street is you need like bigger cruiser wheels and it's just, God, it's so fun.

The cracks don't matter if you have nice wheels that you just roll down the street, put your shades on, put your music in, whatever you want to do or don't you know it's just the best feeling in the world to me i have seen you nobody was gonna pick it does you do look like oh it's so fun man it's it's like one of those things you know when you see somebody doing what they're supposed to be doing and then like you feel that like man that almost made me tear up but i've seen you like it's been the most important i've seen you roll up to me on the street on a skateboard

and it's just like, you're just like, oh, here comes somebody who was just in their element. Well, it's been the most important thing in my life as far back as... Like, it's been one of the only constants that I've ever had forever. Like that and, like, you know, my mom or something. Like, that's what I look at skateboarding as.

No, you rely on it. You rely on it. Shout out to St. Kelly Jordan. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to Kelly Jordan. But that's how I think of skateboarding, and that has been just the thing that I've had forever, and that's one thing that I know I'll never let go of.

And so just rolling down the street on a skateboard for me is, so I'm going to stop talking because I'll start crying if I keep talking, but it really is. Knuckleheads out there. I'm going to shoot talking because I'll start crying if I keep talking. But it really is. Knuckleheads out there. I'm shooting some hoops. Yeah, yeah. It's, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Cruising on a skateboard. Time for my third and then my fourth picks, as it is. As it is an hour and a half into the podcast. Christ almighty. All right. Afterwards, when you want to like meet us, it's going to be upstairs, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Just because we've got to get out of here. We're going to probably do a two-hour podcast, and then we'll be upstairs. My third pick. My third pick. I like telling someone off. Yeah! That's fucking good.

Ivan just stood up. Did he really? No, he didn't. Oh, okay. I could see he wanted to. Earlier I talked about inheriting a sense of charity from my parents. And that's true as well. What else did you inherit?

Telling someone off. Both of the... My dad is like fucking like a media... He'll tell you off in a second. He's right over there. You were... Tell the story, John, about the first time you met and you were driving down from Tacoma.

Oh, I like this story. So the first time I met I.K., I was at Ian's crib when he lived with Shane by his album and I walked in and I hid the bong and Ian's like

my dad's coming over I'm gonna take a shower so I hid the bong because I'm like that's what you do and Ivan comes in and damn near the first thing he said

he might have said who are you but I swear the first thing he said was like where's the fucking bong no I'm talking about the story driving down from Tacoma yeah oh yeah who are you? But I swear the first thing he said was like, where's the fucking bong? No, I'm talking about the story driving down from Tacoma.

Yeah, that's the story I liked. Did I blow it? I mean, that was a funny one. You did blow it, but it's fine. That was also good. I love you. So we were up in Tacoma. We were all doing the comedy club. Ian was headlining and Zach and I drove back with Ivan and I was

like, there was a Taylor Swift concert going on and we're leaving and I go, how do you think that Taylor Swift concert went? And he goes, who gives a fuck? And I was secretly like, well I give a fuck. I really want to know. He's right though. Who does

give a fuck? Not me. It just feels good. If someone is fucking being a prick, it feels so good to tell them off. Sue Carmel, you know, you'll be on a random Myron Frank and somebody's being a shithead. I remember growing up, there was a look she would get in her eyes.

There would be a warmth in her eyes, 99.9% of the time. And then someone would treat her like shit and then things would go cold and then me and my little sister Elisa shout out to Elisa Carmel who's in the building right now what are we up to?

two masters degrees? what are we doing? what's happening? what are we doing? two masters degrees? what are we talking about? the biggest pomegranate on the Carmel tree right over there I like that you guys are biggest pomegranate on the Carmel tree? Right over there. I like that you guys are a pomegranate tree. I do, too.

I like that. I like that I now know pomegranates grow on trees. Sue Carmel! I had no idea. Sue Carmel would be cold. You would feel a cold wind blow through the room and Elise and I would be like, all right, let's get out of here.

And we'd go hide in a coat rack or something. And then my mom would be like, you mean to tell me I can't return this fucking skirt even though blah, blah, blah. It's fucking amazing. This is a TJ Maxx. Yeah. I just fucking love it.

People treat you like shit and they think they can get away with it But you know what If you stick up for yourself They can't And that makes me feel free You know what I mean Yeah

So for my fourth pick Thank fucking god Fourth pick I'm having a great time Yeah I'm having a I don't know I'm having a really I'm having a really good time too

I'm having a really good time But I'm tired y'all Yeah yeah I'm fucking exhausted We did a, too. I'm having a really good time, but I'm tired, y'all. Yeah, yeah. I'm fucking exhausted. We did a podcast yesterday. We did two shows tonight. You're tired because somebody was hitting your shoulders all night, huh?

Yeah. I might go get some salami. Mom, you want to come make this next pick? Yeah. Give it up for St. Sue Carmel. Give it up for St. Sue Carmel, ladies and gentlemen. Damn. Get off here. All right. I'm going to try my best. Grab Carmel, ladies and gentlemen. Damn. Get off here. All right.

I'm going to try my best. Grab me some of that salami, though. And a couple olives, if you can. Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Carmel herself. Make some noise. Yeah. Yeah. Man.

Hi, man. St. Sue. No, that's mine. And then, yeah, yeah. And then if you have a beer, man. St. Sue! No, that's mine! And then, yeah, yeah. And then if you have a beer, too. He stole my drink. He stole your drink? Yeah, he did.

Okay. You know, you still did a knock-up job, bang-up job raising that cup. How are you doing? It's so good to see you. It's so good to see you, too. I'm always happy when you're around. I'm always happy when you're around.

I like it a lot. I am, too. We've been having a love fest. It's all too. I'm always happy when you're around. I'm always happy when you're around. I like it a lot. I am too. We've been having a love fest. It's all week. Last few days, I'm showing up in everything. This podcast, we have felt all the emotions on this one today. I think it's a good one. I think this is our best live podcast thus far.

I would agree. I would agree. I would agree 100%. Okay, so what am I choosing? Costco hot dogs? Were you all here yesterday? Of course they were. Who was here yesterday?

Of course they were. Okay, that's why. Less people than cheered for Costco hot dogs. You are explaining a thing that should be organic? I've had a couple. I can tell. You know? That's not my pick for today.

No. They don't make me feel good. We're doing things that make you feel free. What makes me feel free is living my life in a righteous way and not caring what people think about me anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, Sue is the best!

Yeah. That's two times you came out and had one of the best pics ever. You put on both gloves. As someone who has raised kids and also been there for like friends and people that came around, at what age do you encourage people to detach from being overly concerned with what other people think? Whatever age I can encourage, it's not going to happen because you're too wrapped up in it. But when I hit 50 and now 60, especially 60 a few years ago, I don't care. I tell people, I tell strange men I think that they have beautiful eyes. I don't care.

I don't care. I tell women they're beautiful. They should know that from another woman, right? Yeah, yeah. Yes! I tell people you're acting like an ass. I don't care. Yeah, so live your life in a righteous way.

Do the right thing. And then don't worry about what people think about you. All right. Man, that's... God damn it. That could have been the whole... You missed it, but your mom just said, I tell strange men they have beautiful eyes, and it was the best shit I ever heard.

Why wouldn't you do that? That might make you a star. No, it was beautiful. This is our charcuterie plate. Thank you, Ian. I appreciate it. Thanks, man. Can I have one of those?

All right, tap me out, Ian. Tap me out. No, keep going, Mark. That's what I got. Don't tap me off. That's what I got. Call Sean. It's his pick.

Okay, Sean, it's now time for your pick. My fourth pick is going to be just spending a little money. And if we're diving in, it's going to be buying shoes. That's going to be the pick. Are you for real? Wait, no.

Let everybody see. Let everybody see. Let everybody see. David's walking around. Let everybody see. Let everybody see. David's walking around. Look at that. Everybody take a picture. Take a... David, stand there.

Everybody take photos. Stand there and let people take... All right. Yeah. Fine. So spending a little cash... What I'm mad about is tell them about the last time we went to the mall, Sean. Oh, yeah.

Well, David lived and I didn't. I was so mad at you. Last time we went to the mall, Sean. Oh, yeah. Well, David lived and I didn't. I was so mad at you. Last time we went to the mall, I Give him the back story, though. I had just gotten the most money I've ever gotten for anything in my life. Give him the back story about us going to the mall that day when we were all broke. So David and I went to the mall

and we were just walking around. We're like, man, it'd be tight if we could come here and buy something one of these days. And like three years later we go. Both of us too afraid to go in the Gucci store. No, no, no. We went though and they immediately were like, can we help you? Gucci

sucks. Yeah, yeah. I got hella money now. Fuck Gucci. I don't give a fuck. Gucci sneakers look like shit and a bunch of rich people wear them and think they look cool. Fuck you. Man, I hope.

Anyway, go ahead. I'm sorry. We go to the mall. So, you know, that was three years ago. And then we go the other day. And on the Friday night. Two weeks ago? Yeah. The Friday night, I was like, man, we need to go get new shoes, dog. He hit me up.

I was the one like, we are getting shoes. And then, you know. And then we go to the mall and I bought shoes and he didn't buy no fucking shoes. I didn't buy any shoes. But I bought these ones. It hurt my feelings. Stop. Did it really?

It did hurt my feelings because I was like, it didn't hurt my feelings. It was just like, I wanted to share that experience. Man, bro, this is the softest podcast. We're going to have to go out and beat some dudes up after this. We're going to cry on him so hard. It was an experience I really wanted to share with you. And then you were like, I don't really want any shoes. Well, here's what happened with that is I got scared to spend money.

Because I'm scared to spend money all the time. Yeah, you are. But we're getting better. Well, because, you know, I grew up, we had bacon for Thanksgiving one time. We had bacon and chiclets. It's not an all thing, but it was for real. Like, we had bacon

and chiclets for Thanksgiving. At the same time? Yeah. Yeah. I guess we were over the bacon. That sounds like Thanksgiving to me. You couldn't have gotten a side serving of mashed potatoes from KFC or something like Thanksgiving to me. You couldn't have gotten a side serving

of mashed potatoes from KFC or something like that to round it up? Maybe I could have. That's for five of us, but the five of us will start a band.

I feel you, though. It was that thing where I was scared to spend money because when you get money, you're like, man, you don't want to,

you know, you don't want to let it go. But then I go to the standard and spend $200. I have the opposite feeling because I also, we were real broke when I grew up. I have the opposite where I'm like, this shit ain't going to be around forever anyways, bro. I got to like chill on spending money sometimes. When you adopt that, like, well, the world's ending tomorrow. Let's just get it done.

I wasn't supposed to have this anyways. Either way, we're working towards it, and we've got to be better. Say a word. Hell yeah. Dave Borey, it's time for your fourth pick. His mom calls him Dave. Yeah, my mom does call me Dave. I love her so much.

Shout out to my mom. I love her. Yeah, I love my mom. She's great. Good lady. My fourth pick, and this is weird because it's something I do a lot. And, like, it's something that, like, my whole life growing up, I always used to get in trouble for it. It was a thing people really tried.

Like, it was a thing about me that people really tried to suppress. You already drafted stealing. The joke. It was a joke. Breaking the law. It was a thing about, yeah, people always try to suppress it. So, like, now the fact that I'm able to like earn a living doing it and like get by doing it. Yelling.

Oh, hell yeah. Yelling. It's like. It like. It like, it like really. Because like. You don't get two bigger yellers at a table than are at this table. Right.

What? It was like. It was always a thing that I was like, made to feel shame for, like, because like growing up, especially if you're like, just like if you're a little boy and you don't read good

and you're loud, they don't, it was like too much and like, but like, I like, I love it. It makes me feel,

like you can't tell me what to do, man. Kiss my ass. I'm going to scream. I'm going to scream in this McDonald's. I'm going to scream in this my ass. I'm going to scream. I'm going to scream in this McDonald's. I'm going to scream in this Virgin Records. I'm going to scream in this Abercrombie

and Fitch. You motherfuckers. David's talking about all these. Because I can't buy anything here. Fuck yeah. Fuck them. Yeah. Fucking sell me a shirt that fits. I don't want to fucking strain buttons. You couldn't buy anything in the early 2000s? No, not then either. They don't have plus sizes.

Abercrombie invention. The David Borey yo is one of the best sounds in the universe. Let's get it. Let's get it. It feels inorganic now. Well, let me say something

you might say yo to, right? All right. David, man, let's go to Long Beach and swim. Yo, man, come on. That's not... We go to Long Beach and swim. Yo, man, come on. That's not. Oh, we go to Long Beach. It's a ways away.

Long Beach? That's a shipping town. David, you can see when you want to swim near oil derricks. What's wrong with you, Sean? Let's go to Long Beach. What a weird two things for you to pick randomly. Here we go. David, I know a place that gives you two sausages with every beer you buy.

Yo! I hate how easy that was for you to get me. It wasn't easy for me. I couldn't do it. I know my boys. I know my boys. You weirdo. Either way, yeah, the point is, yeah, yo, it's just like, I don't know, man. It's like, it's a good fuck you to everybody.

Somebody brought us this rosé. Does anyone want it? Oh, well, it's a little game. He looked like he was going to break it on the first face. He just grabs off, break it on yet a little game called pass the shit. Oh, yeah, you guys should pass

it. If you if you were going to play this game. All right, let's time for your fourth and your final pick. Take a drink of this shit and pass the shit. Is it really final? Are we doing fourth and fifth? Oh, I see. As it is.

For fourth, one of the ways to feel free that's always worked out in my life is learning how to be self-reliant or do something. Yeah. Seriously. It's not great to not know how to change a tire, to make some noise or music, like to, you know, get your own sense of like,

you're only here on this planet for a certain amount of time. Be capable. Don't be like, I don't know how to, like, you know, get that first step done, but then involve friends.

So dude, you couldn't. Yeah. Continue, continue. Yeah. So know how to like move, but then have friends come talk and hang out and have a good time doing the thing. Sure. But don't be like a helpless person that's like, ah.

Yes. You know? Man. Those were both amazing. Like changing a tire is one of the good ones where you're like, oh, yeah. Shout out to Zach Toscani. I changed his tire recently. You also broke it.

But also, I mean, like it feels. I did. I mean to Zach Toscani. I changed his tire recently. You also broke it. But also, I mean, like, it feels... I did. I mean, I was driving aggressively. I did want to touch on the learning to do something because the Patreon, that was one thing that we had no idea what to do. Like, just how to upload... Like, it seems so simple.

And talk Sean how to read. How to... So I guess it's cool when you're trying to be serious how to upload. It seems so simple. They taught Sean how to read. So I guess it's cool when you're trying to be serious and when I'm over here trying to be. I'm always cool, baby. Get over here.

Cooler than the other side of the pillow, this kid. It was just, the Patreon was just such a, I've learned quite a few things from how to upload videos and all these things where I was like,

man, that's impossible. I don't know how people do that. And then you learn how to do it and you're like, tight. Is that not really the problem? Can I say that it's really been fun watching you come

and do your own on that? And like when we recorded the Fortress of Solid Dudes, like I watch you and I know that you take pride in being able to do that and set it up. Ian calls me Scott's torch.

Yeah. Because he's bankrupt. Just please. But no, it is like. Not real. I call him Scott's torch because. I don't call you Scott's torch. He loves cocaine.

No, you call me. I mean. No, I mean. That was a joke. The point is. Was it? Was it? I'm a funny guy.

That's what I do. Yeah, it's been really fun to watch you. Wrap it up. Nobody cares. What's your next pick, man? All right. When someone gives you a... It's not you.

It's not you yet. Wait, is it? Wait, hold on. Serpentine. It's awesome. It is. All right. It is.

I'm so sorry. When someone tries to tell you when to do something or give you a structure or tell you how to do something, if you have a better idea or something more interesting to say, you just hijack it and go off on your own trajectory. So we're going to go into top five HBWs. James Gandolfini, Prince Marky D, D Boon, Jonah Hill,

Nick Frost. What? Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! That was going to be a whole different episode! Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Dude, Lance just did it. James Gandolfini was going to be on mine too.

I didn't pick the topic! Sean did, so alright! You did. Last night. I did pick the topic. I'm sorry. Bring me back. Respect, man. Man, I blacked out. You just took the power back. That was wild.

That was wild. Joyous B.I.G. died today in 1997. R.I.P. to the fat Jesus. Man. Truthfully, I wouldn't be where I am without you. Not for real. No. For real.

Nobody let us be sexy until him. No, man. My 6'6", 350-pound dad died March 25, 2005. Rest in peace. Coming up. Rest in peace. Just talking about heebie-dobbies. Here we go.

It's an emotional podcast. Man. Strange note it's taken on the last round. Here we go. It's an emotional podcast. Man. Strange note it's taken on the last round. Yeah, yeah. No, that was... Seriously. Lance's blade hurts, I'll tell you that. Yo.

My man keeps a sharp sword. Man, everyone's talking. Is it my pick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to the cold snows of Toronto. Yo! And I'm tagging in Marissa Super Producer to take my pick. Super Producer Marissa Malnick!

Mars Mel in the house! Mars Melo, a.k.a. You even got my Overwatch gamer tag. Yeah, I got you, I got you, I got you. The heart and the soul of all fantasy everything. Seriously. Our favorite human being on Earth. We all sound like Charlie Brown's parents,

unless Marissa has something to do with it. Was that the seventh terrible thing I said? Is it funny yet? What did you say about Zach Harper's parents, unless Marissa has something to do with it. Was that the seventh terrible thing I said? Is it funny yet? What did you say about Zach Harbaugh's parents? Like all the grown-ups in Charlie Brown? They're, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. We all sound like shit unless Marissa has something to do with it. It made sense.

Holy crap. Yeah. A very simple pleasure in life. I like to get really, really high on a swing set. Oh! Score up and down. It feels really good to be weightless when you're coming back down like that.

That's it. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's so rad. Like, it makes you feel very human to have it. Marissa, how old are you? I'm 25.

She's 25. Marissa and I both We're all like 34, 33. Sean is, what are you? You're 48? How old are you? No, 25. I just said that.

Sean's 25 years old. Marissa and I, we're both 25. It makes it, and like, you're from Toronto. You come from a different world. It's so fucking, no, but like, for real, it's like so rad that like, you're one of us

and we're one of you, even though we come from these different backgrounds. It's so amazing we found each other. Yeah. Think about that. Shout out to Superbrothers and Marissa. How wild is that? Because I do think about that, because, you know,

we're doing the podcast, and I can't remember the exact time that I met Marissa, but, man, it's important. Yo. It really is. We had other producers. It really is. No, we had other producers for, like, the first 30 or whatever episodes.

A couple soup cans came in. I don't know any of their names. If they walked up to me and said, I produced your podcast, I'd be like, you're a liar. But, Marissa, you're, like, you're a liar. But Marissa, you're like, you're fucking one of us. You're part of it.

You're an easy super producer. Huh? Up top. It's a huge title to live up to. Also, an incredibly dope pic. Thank you.

But on account of time exists, that's not a construct. David talked about it. Zach? Whoa. I didn't even say that yet. All right.

You just said... Whoa. Off mic? All this off mic talk. I don't know if I can handle it. Sorry, Sean Jordan. Time for your next segment. Terrible at keeping secrets.

So I'm going to pinch hit real quick. There she goes. If there's anybody who knows how to feel free, it's going to be my pinch hitter. And if you would please put your hands together for Zach Disconi, everybody. Thank you. Kel Zacula from Glensylvania himself.

Of course you came from where no one expected. I'm back there doing things. So for my pick, I would have to go with calling in sick when you're feeling great. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Oh. It's so good, dude! Yo, Sean was gonna lose. Yeah, talk about it. It's something I believe in and practice quite often. But those days, those days when you wake up and you're like,

there's actual like a spring in your step and you feel good, the last thing you should do is go to work. Fuck that. Hell yeah! Hell yeah, Zach! Fuck that. Ride that wave, do whatever you want that day. Like, just earn it.

Like, I don't mind going to work sick. It already sucks. So it can suck a little more, but on the days when I feel good, I'm like, no way, man. You're not getting me in that prison. Man. And that's my pick. All right, I'm going to leave you guys to it.

Yeah! That was... I'm happy that was part of it. That's crazy! That was... I'm happy that was part of it. That's crazy! That's like an NBA player playing one game, putting up 58 points, nine rebounds, and 14 assists, and then retiring.

He just rooted us. Oh, my God. We got rooted. We have to end the podcast now. We have a pretty good list. No, that was... I guess there's another pick, right? Zach's so funny.

It's me. It's you, bro. It's Ian Carmel. I might call a second fucking pitch hitter. Uh-oh. Are you serious? Wait a second. Whoa.

I got two parents, one for each of you. Oh! No way. Let him know. Do it to him. Do it to him. two parents, one for each of you. Oh! Oh, shit! Let him know. Do it to him. Making my final pick, the final pick of the draft. Also, he doesn't know this is about to happen. I think he's got an idea.

Ivan Carmel, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise! Ladies and gentlemen. All right, pops pops what's up I didn't tell you You were going to do this and I think it's more fun this way So Talk into the microphone So you want to know what makes me feel free

Yeah what makes you feel free Sous vide cooking Oh shit He had no idea You want to know what makes me feel free? Yeah, what makes you feel free? Sous vide cooking. Oh! Oh, shit. He had no idea. That pick, he just thought of that 30 seconds. It was on my list.

Are you serious? Who knew? Talk about it You can't just say it and move on Yeah, you can't drop the mic No, talk into the fucking microphone What's wrong with you? I mean, have you ever done it? You gotta get that mic up there

I've had sous vide eggs from Starbucks And that's the extent of it What is sous vide? You put it in a bag? It's in a bag, and then it goes in like a bath of water, and it cooks it really quick and evenly, and it's really good, but it doesn't get brown. Let me ask you a follow-up question.

Why don't you just take cooking? What is it about sous vide specifically that makes you feel free? The bags? The juiciness. The juiciness. Oh, okay, actually. My man. Ask and answer it, actually.

If there's one thing we can agree on, it's that the juiciness makes you feel free. Okay. You fucking liar. What's wrong with you? The juiciness makes you feel free, and I respect that. Am I fifth and final pick? No, that was. Go ahead.

No, no, no. Please, please. No, you were on the other one. You were on the other one. Right? Hell yeah. Monk seals. Hell yeah.

Monk seals. That was worse than all my picks and you guys are thrilled. That was the worst pick of the whole thing and we're thrilled. Ivan, please sit. Look at him, look at him, look at him. Look at father and son. It doesn't get better. It doesn't get better.

It doesn't get better than that. What are you talking about? What do you mean monk seals? Explain yourself. Talk about it, IK. Well, they're sort of free and there aren't many of them, you know? That's a fair point. That's a fair point. That's a fair point.

You know what you say? I love that they're sort of free. You say wild shit, but then you back it up with stuff where I'm like, oh yeah, sure, sure, sure. Lance, get over here. Yeah, fucking monk seals. You know, do you remember that time we were in Mexico

and we went to that weird like expat compound that was like, you know, like way off in the distance. Oh, yeah. And then we got like, they drove us out to the ocean in what looked like a motorized Conestoga wagon. It was an ex-school bus, so they took off the school bus part. Yeah, yeah, they took off the school bus part.

And then they had big tires. So they dragged us out to the ocean. Because it was really shallow. It was super shallow. And we went like two hours out to the middle of the ocean. There was a big rock there. And it was eight feet deep. It was eight feet deep the whole time.

And we scooped, but we went out to this rock in the middle of the ocean. It was a gigantic sea lion colony. Rookery. Rookery. Rookery. And we. Oh, wow. Ivan, you might have said a word I've never heard before.

Yeah, I thought he made that up. Remember the big bull seal, what he did to you, Ian? He harassed me. Say that. What was that word? Bull seal. No. Harass.

A rookery. A rookery? Rookery. Rookery. That's what you call a group of sea lions. You fucking uneducated motherfuckers. I know that. I know that. I know that all day.

I just call them the homies. Anyway, so we scuba dived with the homies. And then we took all our gear off and jumped back in. And that's what I'm taking for you to mean by monk seals. Am I done now? Can we do a lightning round? No. Since I haven't picked six,

can we all three pick one more? No, we have to leave. Ivan Carmel is a donor! Let's go liberate some monk seals. These people have families. Sure, sure, sure. It is. You know, Ivan Carmel and Sue Carmel and Zach Toscani and Marissa Melnick.

And Lance Banks. The last name of the week. The fucking Lance Banks. On the track. That about wraps up this edition of All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. Just to recap the picks. I left one on the board. It was such a small list.

Kissing. Let's see. Well, I got to do the recap first. A barbecue. So let's see how this goes. Lance picked first, and he took jumping in the water, riding a bike at night, really taking your hands off the fucking,

you know, the handlebars and then jumping off it and letting the bike ghost wherever it goes. It's almost like I heard Lance say it again. And then he took ego death. Yo, that's a big one. That's a big one. And then he took being self-reliant.

And then he took, what was the last one? Not letting someone tell you I literally fell out of my chair. It was not letting someone tell you what's up. Yeah, and then he did the five of the drafts he wanted to do. Yeah. It was really the most gangster move. Basically, the last one is flying whatever flag you want to fly and fuck Ian Carmel.

That's really the most gangster move we've had from a guest. He's the most gangster guest we've had. That sounds to reason. David, you went second and you took

breaking the law and then wasting time and then, you know, stirring the stew. Fucking having sex, getting sweet with the pickle juice, yelling, and then getting high on a swing set

drafted by super producer Marissa Meldick. I feel strong. I feel strong about all those. How fucking lucky we'd have Marissa We're just so lucky Bro I'm lucky to It's all We're all very lucky

Let me keep going Let me keep going Sean joined you in third You picked drinking a glass of water With your first pick I'm gonna let Lance I'm gonna let Lance recount What your first pick was

You know just a minor Pleasant little stroll That sounded so great What your first pick was? You know, just a minor, pleasant little stroll. That sounded so great. That sounded so pleasant and freeing. Your second pick was taking a road trip. Dog. Your third pick was cruising on a skateboard.

Nephew. Like some kind of Lupe fiasco. Kick, push, ghost. Kick, push, playboy. Your fourth pick was spending a little bit of money, a little money cash-a-lady. A little fetty-wop, Senator. Skrill, skrill, skrill, skrill, skrill.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. And then, Count Zacula Toscani of Glen Sylvania. Ooh. Quads. Came out here. Lats. Yuck. And drafted, in my opinion. Traps.

Drafted, in my opinion, the best pick of the entire draft. No getting around it. Call us to work when you're not sick at all. Seriously. That was the pick of the draft. That's what made 50 grand. Checkmate, but I don't care about checks. Zach, come out.

Zach, come out and get your applause real quick. There you go. I don't play games. Zach, come out. Zach, come out and get your applause real quick, dog. There he goes. I know. He's over there making moves all night. What are you doing over there? They're standing up. Holy buckets, man. I went last.

You stay. Just stay with us. Stay. Just stay. I went last, and I took owning your own shit. Traveling. Live it. Can you not read your own shit?

No, I can't. Living life. That looks like an I. That's all right. Am I right? In the moment? Well, without telling. Does anyone remember what it was?

Live in... Oh, yeah, Mom. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's my mom's pick. What did you pick, Mom? Oh, she said living life righteously. Oh, yeah, living life righteously. That's what it was.

Telling someone off. Telling someone off. And my final pick was... Tongue's going off. And my final pick was... Monk Sears. My final pick was kind of two things, I guess. Sous vide. You brought the better version of you in here.

I didn't think Carmel 1.0 was going to pick something weird like sous vide cooking, but he did. He fucking did. So either sous vide cooking or monk seals. I'm not going to win this week. We left some good shit on the board, but this is one of those weeks where we left too much good shit on the board. It's too much to even look at.

Do you have anything that jumps to mind? It doesn't matter. We've got to get out of here. Shout out, first of all, to everyone here tonight at the Doug Fur who came out. Shout out to everyone who follows us on Twitter and on Instagram. Make sure you send us your list, allfantasypod at allfantasypod, allfantasypodcast at gmail.com

if you ever want to email us. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. We fucking love you. Thank you for rocking with us forever. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Ivan Carmel. Shout out to Rob Blaylock. Shout out to fucking Meg Wrigley. Shout out to the motherfucking Harper's in the front. The Harper. Shout out to the Harper's. Shout out to Rob Blaylock. Shout out to fucking Meg Wrigley.

Shout out to the motherfucking Harper's in the front. Shout out to the Harper's. Shout out to Aliza Carmel. Shout out to fucking Nick Nance. Shout out to Karen Zaks. Lance Bangs. Shout out to fucking Lance Bangs, dog. Motherfucking Bangs, dog.

Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Frankie Osher. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Hodja Beats. You fucking videotaped the thing we reference every week. Yeah, you made that video. I made the video for Oldie. Yeah, you made... What a flex. What a flex. What a real flex.

That's like a real flex, dude. That's the thing that feeds the heart you make. You know that thing you end every podcast with? I made that. The fucking flex, dog. Shout out to Corbin Smith. Happy birthday, dog. Love you, David.

More important than everything we've mentioned Ian stop it was me more important than everything we've mentioned you like that? on today's podcast tune in again next week

for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything shakalakati That was a hate gun podcast.