All Fantasy Everything - Things That Sound Cool... At First (w/ Mike Golic Jr., Zak Toscani, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Hey, fam! This Thursday we're joined by Mike Golic Jr. and Zak Toscani as we draft "Things That Sound Cool ... At First!" For example, David thought it was a good idea to go to Bolivia this week until he found out that the U.S. WILL extradite him for one reason or another!  Washington DC! Come see All Fantasy Everything LIVE on 10/2! Tickets at: dcimprov-com.seatengine.com/shows/180042 Guests: Mike Golic Jr. @mikegolicjr IG: @mikegolicjr Podcast: GoJo  Zak Toscani @zak_toscani IG: @zaktoscani   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting things that sound really cool. At first, we have two wonderful guests today. The first is a former football offensive guard. You can tell Marissa writes these. a former football offensive guard. You can tell Marissa writes these.

A former football offensive guard. For American football. He was a beefy lad. As broad as he is tall, as strong as he is charismatic. And a former ESPN broadcaster. He now hosts hosts gojo a podcast about

football and all things pop culture his name you already know is the fabulous mike gollick jr ladies and gentlemen also returning with us today is comedian and friend of the podcast former offensive guard in american football a man who's thrown a football 60 yards i feel like i he claims we've seen it i think i remember seeing it zach tuscani is here zach is taking his house shows on tour across these united states of america you can see him do stand up right in your very own backyard we'll hear more on that later i'm your host ian carmel and with me as always is my friend the stand-up comedian and former defensive end who could do the splits oh sean jordan let's get into it welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything the podcast that understands north american football football norte americana mike can i ask you a question right out of the gate let's do it what's your

favorite football movie oh the program touch my touch my fist i do i so it's on it's on hulu whatever it comes up on any streaming i'm like well i'm watching the program as bad as it can get like the voiceover so bad all this stuff but i'm just like that movie i dude you gave me goosebumps you see him i have that's the one those are those are literal chills yeah i love that movie so much and i feel like it's a common thread on this show specifically that we all like it so good on you i used to yeah used to watch that movie every single night before every high school football game i ever played because doing steroids to gain weight and then shooting your head through the window of a car is absolutely

what football in this country should be about that's it you just turned yourself first team defense place of table you just got yourself a place at the table by saying the program right on the bat they spit in each other's mouth we used to try to do shit like that but we're like let's get Buck like Latimer and Mac dude and uh let's be Butler middle school and then you spend each other's mouths I'm also waiting for the day where an actual Heisman campaign

has as good a slogan as Kane is able for that oh that's genius that seals it up for you and they got um what's his name, Chris Berman, where he could go all the way, man. Yeah, dude. Such dope ways to talk about the Heisman candidates.

The offensive lineman had like a haircut that is now like cool in 2022. He had like the same haircut that like Post Malone has. Yep. That Bud Light Kaminsky guy. Is that who you're talking about? Yeah. Dude, the actor abraham ben ruby is uh his full name is abraham rubin hercules ben ruby you knew that are you looking

at it i went ahead and pulled his uh i pulled his card right here i got it in front wait say that one more time abraham rubin hercules ben ruby that's like so you're jewish you're greek Abraham, Reuben, Hercules, Ben Ruby. That's like, so you're Jewish, you're Greek, and you're Dutch? He's half Greek, half Jewish. Yeah. Okay. Nailed it. And half fucking descended from Analympus, man. He's less than a god, but more than a man.

That's right. I get that vibe from him, though. That dude's Buck. Yeah, he was awesome. Each progressive name gets stronger. Right. You have no choice but to be Buck with that name. Abraham?

Ruben? What was the third one? Hercules. Hercules. How do you lose Hercules? Because your other names are Von Ruby. Von Ruby. How do we feel about naming a kid giving somebody a name like

hercules i guess a middle name is where you want to put it because it's a lot of pressure yeah it's like the opposite of a boy named sue yeah my buddy gave their middle their kid the middle name danger for real no and uh yeah yeah straight up did it i was like all right how old is that kid now two he'll he's buck he'll be he'll be it'll it'll fit but it's just it's it's really funny that you're like you did it you did that honestly it's more pressure on the parents because like my brother just had his first kid and i was talking to him about it after the baby's like literal weeks old at this point and we were sitting around at the baby shower with like all the gifts that people have brought and stuff and my brother just looks down and goes man this kid better be fucking cool like he's got so much cool stuff now and if he's not cool it's gonna be such shit so like

dangerous pressure on the parents like you gotta make this kid cool or else he's not true totally you gotta get those little punk t-shirts child size you know yeah you gotta put them in little ramones t-shirts and Chucks and stuff like that. Dude, I got Max a shirt that almost made me cry yesterday. It says something to the effect. I forget exactly, but it's like, I'm a woman and I'll keep going or something like that. And I picked it up and I was like, I will kill people. I just had a daughter about a year ago.

Round of applause for Sean Jordan, I think. And again, I left my cape in the other room. I keep leaving it it in the other room but trust me when i say i have a closet full of them you make her wear it and then you go i agree with her you just say it to everyone who looks yep you know how like in friday night lights they would put like jason street like a sign in his yard before the game day they kind of do that with me but every night it's just uh somebody putting up a sign that says one of the good ones and i don't know what to do about it you know i just like i go out there in my pink t-shirt and um yeah i just i just wave kind of wave well he's he's sean s jordan on twitter he's sean cooker melon jordan on instagram he's sean bader ginsburg everywhere else out in the world the

notorious sean b sean rubin hercules yes we'll we'll see how quick that one goes on well it's good you're a girl dad dude that's something that's that's i was a girl dad in high school dude yeah it's been a long time coming i don't i don't fully understand what that girl dad thing means but i do think it i do think buying one of those t-shirts falls under that category i think it just means you're not a like a prick i i think i think it just means you're you know you're all right i guess hopefully yeah it's the it's the first step of the separation process like where they have those sifting machines and how it's made it's like all right this is the first match

and now you've got to go up to the next level to decide which feeling we put inside you well it's funny because like my dad he he had me but he was not a girl dad you know if my dad would have had a girl he would have been bummed i can almost guarantee it i like he yes i think so i think he was one of those like i want a boy i want i want my you know my bloodline to continue that kind of shit um so yeah i think a girl dad you're right i think it's the first step in the process of like you're gonna be you're gonna be cool with this i think that's like one of the most metal things we regularly say is like the continuation of my bloodline yeah yeah a long line it is crazy to think like the long line of jordans that or carmels or tuscanis or goliaths that led all

of us to like get here where it's like oh, they made it happen every step of the way. Every step of the way, somebody knocked somebody up. And now here we are. And now your bloodline's drinking milkshakes every day. Yeah, dude. If I'm lucky. Sean, you do stand-up comedy. This is coming out on

July 28th. Where can people see you do stand-up comedy? Come to Faded tonight. We have Jamel Johnson tonight. We'll open up more tickets at the door as long as the weather is forgiving. We sell the tickets for Under the Tent. If it's nice out, we'll sell tickets for Under the Patio. It will be nice

out, so show up and come hang out. Other than that, man, just be dope. Have fun. It's summertime. Go smile. That first show was awesome, man. man yeah it was tight man i think they'll keep being good we got a good spot everything's good you got it you guys had people coming out on their balconies and just listening to the show oh sitting on their balconies man it's in like it's in it's in migration so they have a patio on the back but then there's like you

know condos lining the back alley or whatever and the goal is to look up and see like people looking down because they get a free show i mean they got canane for free doing a half hour you know you guys could be like wrigley field like wrigley yeah where people come out and just like sit on their patios dude yeah uh but more drunk probably more drunk even than yeah zach tuscani is here at Zach underscore Toscani on Twitter, at Zach Toscani on Instagram. That is correct. Have a backyard or garage or house or whatever venue.

Yes. We hear you soon. Zach, you're hitting the road, dude. I am. Tell the people. I am, yeah. So starting in August through December, I'm basically going on a nationwide tour. I want to perform in your backyard, your garage, your weird space, your anywhere. It's been really fun.

Like, I like doing shows in places that I've never been and doing place doing shows and kind of odd situations or places. So this has been great for that i mean artistically it's been really great working on material so anyway uh starting off in utah uh going through nebraska kansas iowa missouri wisconsin illinois indiana ohio all of them now i can't help but notice yes you missed the most important midwestern state and that is south dakota you're just gonna you're just gonna blow right past it i wouldn't say i missed it but um this fucking guy well now you're not allowed you can't go there excommunicado that's all right that's like i'm not allowed at the cafe at target like i got my

dining privileges stripped from that like it's cool it's like costco kicking you out you already have a hot dog you're like i came i got what i came for got what i needed i got sean jordan i'm good both of you both of you so yeah basically midwest all down the east coast and then across the south uh so follow me on social media or you can look at my website at zach discani or email me zak425 at gmail if you're interested it's going to be blessed putting it out there on maine gmail dude yeah come through this whole tour comes with a side of ranch it does you're gonna get some dirty emails i bet you just threw it out to the wolves i like i sent one dude i just sent i just sent a gonzo pic dude it just says where's my money in all caps where is it it wears like i got where i wears loud you dude i'm gonna that's your signature line where's wow i just it's one of those email signatures i haven't updated since 2008

dude i've told you my mom my mom used used to have Team Edward that would sign every single text message. So this was years ago, but there was one text that was pretty serious where it was like, hey, your grandpa had another stroke and then it said Team Edward. And I go, you gotta change that. And so I changed it for her. I got her phone and figured out how to change it because I'm like, you can't. That can't be. She had a signature on her text messages?

Her text message. It was a little squiggle. I didn't even know that was a thing. Oh, yeah. A little squiggle, Team Edward, and then another little squiggle. Every time. Happy birthday, Shmoopy Pants, Team Edward. It's like, all right, all right.

Does anyone still have callback ringtones? Is that a thing? Do you remember those? Oh, yeah. I do. Do I ever? Come on. I worked at a call

center for almost two decades do i those were the only time the call center was forgiving where it'd be like please enjoy this ringtone and you're like what kind of a dipshit do we got here right and then you tell real quick who you're gonna talk to i feel like you hear the words never made it as a blind man seeing a lot right when that cost up. What was... Oh, Superman. That was another big one. Oh, yeah. Who was that?

Three doors. I can be your Superman. That was a big one. If I go crazy, will you still call me Superman? There we go. Yeah. There was also like...

There was another song about Superman too, right? Wasn't there like... Did Ben Folds do a song about Superman? No. Not any of the people I was calling. Five for five.

That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not easy. Oh, yeah. I like that song. I like that song. I enjoy that they had to be soothing like that. Just mix it up every once in a while.

Yeah. Pop a roach in there. Yeah. Yeah. Ready for that? Put my life into pieces. If you called someone you hear i wish you would and you're like i'm not gonna yeah i don't want to talk to them right now they know they owe

the money man i'm in a bad way i better switch my ring back tone jumper they're thinking about it. Oy vey. So people can see Count Zacula out there. Hit him up. Anything else you want to tell the people about? No, I think that's it. Follow me on social media. There he is.

Our guest joining us for the first time today, we have Mike Golick Jr. Now, that's Mike Golick Jr. That's a JR on Twitter, and it's the very same on Instagram. Mike, how are you doing, buddy? I'm good, guys. I'm good. I am finally getting settled in my little way of life around here on the beach. I'm trying not to fuck up the vibe down here because the one thing that I found when I got down to being near a beach is everyone kind of has their thing as I go walking up and down the street. And most of those people things are just having dogs.

I don't know how I'm going to meet people down here without a dog because that's the only time I see other humans interaction is when their dogs just decide to sneak each other's dicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It pulls people together. Are you a dog person? I am a huge dog person. I just don't have my own yet like i am much like the rest of my life and relationships with small things i'm an uncle in all forms so dog uncle actual human uncle and haven't graduated to that next class yet a donkle dude god bless the uncle the world needs uncles a donkle donkle that's tight donkle donkle you there needs to be like

a dog rental service for these exact where you just go get a dog you get it for like you know saturday sunday yeah you get to walk around i'm like i would say i'm like a divorced dog dad then i have it on week you know every other weekend every other i get them i get them like the day after thanksgiving but you know we just still do like a thanksgiving dinner that day exactly show up with a bunch of new toys every time it's like listen i'm willing to buy you you know how you meet people you get a t-shirt with a strong political statement on it and just walk around the beach and in manhattan beach that statement could go either way oh yeah yeah and it has to be it would have to be really strong for someone to notice it right like no one even bats

an eye at a punisher tattoo with some weird second amendment quote on it around here like that on a shirt that's just that's tuesday we're all getting coffee keep your eyes down we should start pulling other like superheroes into that like we should like it we should turn the hulk into like a sort of a republican thing you know what i mean why stop why stop at the punisher let's get some other heroes whose values don't exactly align with their... Just a voting machine? Hulk smash and it's just crushed a voting machine?

Where'd those votes go, you know? Dude, Hulk smash that like and subscribe, by the way. All Fantasy Everything. But Nat, we love to tell people that All Fantasy Everything is the only podcast that exists, but you have shown us to be liars because you have your own podcast now. Tell the people about it. I think they're going to love it.

It exists in orbit of all fantasy, everything, like every other bit of content does. You're just moving around you as our son. But yeah, no, the podcast is Gojo. It is me and one of my old teammates in North American football, Brandon Newman, who was the funniest thing I've heard on almost 300 episodes. Anyway, keep going. It's a defensive football tackle back in the day. See hand in the dirt.

He's a grit grinder. But yeah, no, we sit around and it was weird. We described it. He wrote the bio for our Twitter account and it just said a football podcast. And I was like, dude, you know, we're going to talk about other stuff. But now it just has to live there like that. So the only update we've made to that is for some reason, my friend Brandon, who lives in Louisville, Kentucky, was going on a walk one day. And there was an old man outside of that guy's house that was sitting around.

He's like, hey, do you want to come and listen to this song? I just heard this new song that I really liked. And my 32-year-old grown man father of two decided to just walk into this strange man's basement. And so the whole time they were kind of like sizing each other up to see which one was going to try and murder the other one first. Because that seemed to be the only outcome that was going to happen in this situation and nothing happened they ended up just listening to music in this guy's basement and then they parted never to be friends again so now our bio reads a football podcast about football and randomly walking into another man's basement ideally the logical conclusion here is that people will flag strangers into their house to come listen to your podcast in their basement.

We do recommend that, by the way. So if you feel like subscribing and doing all that, leave us a review about how great the time was you got introduced to this podcast and what's hopefully a dimly lit basement with very few exterior windows. Go ahead, Zach. with very few exterior windows. Sorry, go ahead, Zach. I was just going to say, that's the kind of call to action you need for a podcast, where it's like, don't tell someone about it.

Fucking bring them in. Bring them in. Go outside and grab them and say, get in! Get in my basement. Put a bag over their head and pull them into the basement. Don't resist it first, but then it'll be okay. Right. It's an audible medium, so you want to cut off any other conflicting stimuli.

So you throw a bag over their head, you know what I mean? Tape over their mouth because it's less react to it at the end when it's a complete piece, you know? And the other thing I'll say is like football, you know, it's often, it's, it's, it's, it's a lot of people think it's mostly for men. A lot of men listen to it. You know what I mean? Of a certain age, go out there, pull old folks. You know what I mean? Kidnapping, bring them in them in children pull them into your basement you know whatever age group you can find get them in your basement listening to i feel like i might have gotten it might have gotten away from me drastically changing topics here i have another i have another football question it's so fascinating to me like high stakes football like when past high school anything where it's like real and uh what is the if if there is a way to do this what is the most accurate representation of playing in an actual like legit football game like on cinema you know what i mean like in any given sunday it looks like they're on the freeway and they're on acid which it's not true but it's got to be some version of that you know more or less like it was the

scariest moment for me was when I first stopped playing. And then I went back to a game and was down on the sideline. And some 19 year old kid playing college football got fucking wrecked right next to me. And I just looked at my buddy. I go, we did that. Oh, yeah. Like, it's one of those things where you convince your brain for so long that it's normal. And then you just move your positioning like 10 yards outside of the white line.

And you're like, oh, this is bad. We shouldn't have done this. How are we here right now? It's so scary. If you see someone get just smashed, do you feel it in your body viscerally? Like, oh, I can remember what that felt like. Yeah. Oh, you put yourself back in that position a lot it's because you've seen like even if it hasn't happened to you like you become like an

amateur doctor like my dad played in the nfl for nine years and so we always joked like he's an amateur doctor because he's had so many like small surgeries or known people like you always know someone that had access to painkillers because someone had always had surgery around you that was sort of like the marker for it which obviously ended up being a super bad thing and painkillers suck and you shouldn't use them at all but i feel you man my dad was heavy into painkillers but it's like it's just such a fascinating it always has been because if you if you had told me when i was five what i was going to do i'd be like i'm gonna play football for Notre Dame.

So it's crazy because that was like until I realized that wasn't going to work until I did the splits of practice. Basically, that was like my dream as a kid. So it's just it's so fascinating to talk about this. Was it Rudy that did it for you, Sean? The movie Rudy was way after the fact. I mean, I was OK. I really thought in this from day one. Yeah, dude.

It was fun to figure out how much it did mean to people, though. On the other side, too. I remember we went up and played a game against Michigan State in East Lansing. Oh, that's where my wife graduated from. I love Sparty. It's a great time. The best ranch dressing I've ever had was at a Holiday Inn Express or something in East Lansing. I can't explain it but if you ask any notre dame football player from 2008 to 2012 where the best ranch dressing you ever had is they will all say without question

east lansing michigan and we don't know why some dude just back in the kitchen there where it's been his life's work like some undiscovered genius just whipping it up but like again raised on ranch those fans understood and were fueled by that hatred i stepped off the bus and the first thing i saw on game day was this eight-year-old kid that was just looking at me giving the finger and i was like yes like yeah you're you're what this is supposed to be i'm just imagining people in michigan wearing shirts that say raised by ranch yes that's a great that would be a great shirt i'm ranch strong ranch strong dude that's the shirt i'm going to wear around hermoso behind the punisher image you'll be at it you'll be at a poker game this weekend you do that yeah you'll be in the inner

circle no that's that's that shit's fascinating to the air Wear that to the Erewhon in Venice Beach and really make some enemies, dude. Yeah. This dressing don't run. So people... Oh, it definitely doesn't. It wouldn't be a running ranch dressing. No, of course. This ranch kind of chills. I want you to do a narrative podcast where you go back to East Lansing and try to find this ranch dressing master and figure out what's going on with him. Sort of like a life kind of thing.

Oh, yes. See, I always joked in ESPN pitching because they do like Eli and Peyton's places and all that. I wanted to do Mike's places where I went and just got pissed drunk with some football alumni from each school and we filmed the encounter. And now this is going to be me and sean doing that while trying to find the ranch dressing in eastland yes yes do you know if people would just give us five minutes of their time we'd have hook we'd they we'd have their hooks in for the rest of their lives that would be the show my

friend i don't know if you're joking or not but that's a fucking no that's a fucking great idea i was serious about it i pitched it on i mean i pitched it on twitter to them and just started adding espn and oddly enough jimmy pataro didn't reply to me so jimmy baby if you're listening to I was serious about it. I pitched it. I mean, I pitched it on Twitter to them and just started adding ESPN. And oddly enough, Jimmy Pataro didn't reply to me. So Jimmy baby, if you're listening to this, call me,

let's talk. Well, you, you can't, you don't have to say this. I'll be the one who says it's a coward. That makes Jimmy a coward. Yeah.

Who doesn't want to watch that? Like, I don't want to see, I mean, cause like retired athletes specifically, they're usually, well, I shouldn't general but like they're pretty calm and like

mellow I think because they like made it out mostly friends with a bunch of retired athletes yeah yeah he doesn't want to say any names after this he's having lunch with Scotty Pippen and yeah Sean no I'm not but I just think it'd be I think it'd be dope i tell you what i think it'd be dope

i think it'd be dope to watch mike and scotty get tore up and uh just listen to some stories that'd be tight oh yeah listen to that low voice break some glasses i'd be thrilled about that scotty pippen made a did a collaboration with my favorite tea company and has his own kind of tea is it scott t pippen oh no god that was so much better it is no it's called digits because he has long fingers scott t pippin is so much better oh man it's right there you ever watch a commercial and you think you're gonna get their tagline or whatever and then they just say some what they're like and and hair designs by steve oh what oh there's so many commercials now but by the last two seconds you go i have no idea what this was an ad for oh yeah

it would just be like a vague poem striving for everything working hard you know i a car right no it's a it's a crypto wallet. A hundred percent. Yeah. We'll be seeing less of those. Uh, that used to be a perfume commercials too. Yes. Oh yeah.

You would just see, it was like always like a guy at a press conference. I remember the one distinctly. He was like, I can no longer be who they want me to be anymore. And then all four walls of the press conference room fall down and he walks out and starts making out with a chick i remember that one yeah was that like aqua de joe or something i think so i think you're right dude i didn't yeah it's one of those

inceptions where i was like i forgot about that commercial but as soon as you started saying it i see the whole thing in my head yep i mean there's there's commercials that are straight up almost zoolander commercials there's a commercial with like some supermodel dude riding a horse on the beach or something and then ian carmel yeah it's you're riding a horse down the beach i believe i'm riding my horse down manhattan beach yeah to go drop off mike's shirt i mean it's like this close to zoolander being the merman it really is sometimes you're like holy buckets they're doing it this is wild or like those sauvage commercials i know i know

what they're about now but like if you just showed me the first 10 seconds of a sauvage commercial and ben like what is this i'd be like well those matthew mcconaughey like lincoln commercials where he'd just be in a car and he'd be like when your loved one dies where does that love where does that love go where's that love it's like what i don't know maddie boom boom let me let me know am i taking lincoln you're sticking in the tank it's 91 octane i think those are like some of the best art that's been made in the 21st century those matthew mcconaughey lincoln commercials well you got a few visors so you know i get it yeah i'm a visor guy absolutely i. I know that. You're a visor dude. Visor dude. Speaking of things that sounded dope.

Make sure you check out Gojo. That drops out. That's five days a week podcast. Five days a week. Five days a week. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what we made promises that now we have to keep it.

We are filled with regret every day. No, man. Get out. You'll like them. I swear they're good. Most of the time. I don't want to set the bar too high, like a very clearable bar. We're a very approachable podcast.

You're not going to see us at the bar and think I can't go up and talk to her. She's not like that. She's not going to know. We're very approachable. Good Midwestern sensibilities. It's a podcast with a basket of wings in front of it. Yes. Yeah. You can go up and talk

to that person. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on Jewish Gojo app. So if you're going to listen to Gojo, listen to that first. And then if you want a Jewish take on it, I'll come in later and just sprinkle

in some random Yiddish. It's their podcast, but with me going, random times during it. Listen to theirs first, but then if you want that, it is available on the internet.

We're going to be in Washington, D.C. as a podcast. So David, who is in Bolivia for this episode, is not here, but he will be in Washington, D.C. Yeah. That's going to be September 30th? Yeah. Yes, I think it's September 30th, October 1st, and October 2nd.

And October 2nd. Stand up on the 30th and the 1st, and then the 2nd is, or right, 2nd, so live AFP. That's right. We're co-headlining shows on the Friday and the first and then the second is right second said live afp that's right we're co-headlining shows on the friday and the saturday and then on that sunday we're doing a live podcast make sure you come see us washington dc home of perhaps our silliest night after a podcast that we ever had yeah man yeah just a completely silly night involved frisbeeing a pizza box into the street uh me text well i won't give the way the whole story but me well texting myself from a girl's phone pretending to be that girl playing

myself completely uh i pooped my pants i threw my underwear away that night sean pooped his pants we ate four kinds of chicken i heard a meat mill song coming out of a motorcycle i've done it two times in my life once was on the bus once was in D.C. I'd love to take all of these moments and try and figure out what order they happened in. Yeah, absolutely. I woke up, pooped my pants, and I was like, it's going to be a good show tonight. It's going to be good.

Hey, guys, the groundhog saw his shadow, so I'm going to have a good show tonight. Tickets are available for that. Now, more dates being announced soon, perhaps even by the time this, this podcast is out. I think we can say,

I think by the, like we're all confirmed. We will also be at the 10,000 laughs festival in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My favorite week. My favorite city. Oh, it's going to be fun. Oh,

standup comedy. That's October 7th and 8th at least for me 6 7th and 8th for sean and david uh we'll be doing stand-up comedy and at least one live all fantasy everything make sure you come out to that i hope it's two it was two last it's been two every time we've been there so let's do two again we'll get we'll we'll put them on the rack dude definitely do two put you on the fucking rack dude put you on the rack i'll put you on the rack dude put you in the fucking rack i'll put you on the rack, dude. Definitely do, too. Put you on the fucking rack, dude. Put you on the rack. I'll put you on the rack, dude. Put you in the fucking rack.

I'll put you on the rack, bro. No, you won't. I'll put you on the rack, dude. Mike, one last football question before we dive in. If somebody walked into the practice and, without any warning, did the splits, in all their football garb, would you be cool about it, or would you think you would have made fun of them? No.

This is freshman year. Freshman year. Of high school. Oh, freshman year. Okay, that changes things drastically. If you'd have walked in and done that my freshman year of college, heroes welcome. We had a 370-pound guard from Houston, Texas who could do that, and it was awesome. Of course it was, and that dude's probably faster than I ever have been in my life.

It was terrifying to just watch him move around. It really was. But freshman year of high school, high school is tough, man. Kids are mean. Kids are mean. So we probably at my high school, because it was weird, like we were some weird, like we're the opposite of every TV high school where like everyone was really accepting. It was no peer pressure and like that would have been dope all groups came together and so your split probably would have been pretty welcome there i can't imagine in in like real life that went well for you though no not in south dakota it did not my friend but oh yeah yeah you did it in cleats right so you were like shimmying and just tearing up the grass.

Yeah. Yeah, I was on the field. And so the true story is, so I walked up and this dude was like, hey, can't you do the splits? And I go, can I? Now I look back in hindsight. They were just plotting on me to like make fun of me. But I did it and I shimmied to the ground. And then it was like, even the coaches were sitting there saying all the shit you think they were saying and i was like oh man they got me going back a second i feel like if i saw 370

pound man do the splits i would get the same feeling i got when i saw those pictures of outer space that they just released where i'm like oh i don't know that what what yeah yeah yeah not like a hopelessness but like a hollowness where you're like just like i'm sorry like the world the universe is so much bigger than i thought and i don't even understand right that i don't understand it you know what i mean like i used to have these like facts where you're like a man that big can't do the splits it just can't be done and then you see it done you're like well fuck what else don't we know? It's not right. It's an abomination. It's always down to my nerves. You look at

that dude. He's doing the splits. So many people are so quick to talk shit from the couch and be like, these motherfuckers aren't in shape. That dude could do anything physical that you could do. Anything. And then 10 times more. He could run faster than you. He could lift more than you. I than you he could lift more than you i

mean he could jump higher than you and he weighs 150 more pounds than you that's peak athleticism to me it's the scariest thing in the world it's like one like i showed up there like i played high school football in central connecticut and let me tell you how many future like bankers and enterprise rent-a-car agents i played against in high school. And I showed up there and saw shit like that. I was just like, I don't belong here. I'm a decent athlete relative to the population, but then you see the football population at that level, and then God forbid we're talking about the NFL.

It's like actual, there's some guys where their namesakes, like actual Bears fighting. Like Kyle Long on the chicago bears was appropriate because he is the size and temperament of an actual grizzly bear and i look at him i'm like i if you want to hurt me you can and if i wanted to try and reciprocate that it would be impossible and that was a humbling experience for me the only thing standing between you and destruction is society and goodwill. Yes. Yeah.

It's so fascinating. I could, I could bend your ear about this all day. I've just, it's so, yeah, it's fascinating to me. I don't know.

I love it. I love talking about this shit. And it's a big, big people doing awesome stuff, man. It's a great time. Sturdy lads in North American ball. Do you remember that?

Do you remember that Disney show? The Jersey? No, no. Where? Oh, it was like a kid show where their grandfather played football. And when they put on his old Jersey,

they would go into a current NFL player, like in their body. Oh my God. I'm Donovan McNabb. And then they would like throw a touchdown pass or whatever. And I always just thought if this showabb and then they would like throw a touchdown pass or whatever and i always just thought if this show was serious i would like if i transformed into a football player like i'm coach i'm scared i don't want to go i don't want to go in right now screaming running backwards

as fast as he can that's when he puked in the super Bowl and it just like flashed into him. He's like, Archuleta has sprinted into the parking lot. He's in a car and he's driving away from the stadium as fast as he can. He's checking his bank account. Holy shit, he's leaving the field. That would be a much different show if you appeared like not just while they were playing football too.

You know what I mean? That would be tight. We're like, oh, I'm good. This is how much money I have? I don't need to play anymore. I'm all right. Where are all these vitamins in my hand crushed up vitamins in my hand yeah where's this needle go i'd be finding my own bank like once i figured it out i'd be finding my own bank account and wiring me a bunch of money from that player's account it's like i don't know how long i'm

gonna be pete stojakovic i gotta get this money in there just sent a kid 45 million dollars wow i'd like to i'd like to like transfer into indama kong su like at a gucci store that'd be fun dude david and i went into the gucci store in the galleria and they like shook their heads at us almost it was such a one of the most motivating things honestly because i just we just really did want to go see how much some slides costed yeah or cost they were like they were like 200 bucks but right when we walked in they like shook their heads almost and they come up can we help you and we're like no obviously we just want to help we need to be on our way that happened to me in a urban outfitters when i was with like when I was in college and I was 300 pounds.

My proportions did not equal buying clothes off the rack at that point. And I walked into an Urban Outfitters to probably buy some douchey T-shirt of Mike Tyson standing over somebody. Absolutely. I looked at the guy who was folding clothes that was around there to help. He looked up at me, just shook his his head and put his eyes back down and kept doing what he was doing he's like we have nothing for you here son we don't carry 2x in the store yeah we cap out at xl yeah you were like the catcher calling for a curveball the pitcher was like not today no i'm throwing the fastball yeah no curves no curve anything here

and those were tight those were tight shirts on their own so even a 2xl urban outfitter shirt is probably like a for real xl yeah that was that would have been that would have been 30 pounds of shit in a five pound bag if i pulled that off we are hitting the road again this fall now we are gathered here not today not to talk about all fantasy everything tour dates although you should come see us on the road we are gathered here to fantasy draft things that seem cool at first now mike this was one of your this was one of your ideas right or we do did we get it from the list and you were pulled this from the list i pulled it from the list yeah pulled it from the list an excellent list what was it about this that stood that stood out to you as a as an

idea i i think just like the place i'm at in adulthood, because like in general, so much of what I encounter is good from far, far from good. And so that's I think just all of that in like my current life space was like, oh, yeah, this is this is the one. Everything's a Monet, man. Life's a fucking Monet. Don't get too close brother just globs of shit i want to put that on the punisher t-shirt now life's a fucking monet you're like oh a punisher but he does have art to critique so hook the shirt up like a girl scout cookie vest dude like a girl scout vest just like all sorts of different shit oh yeah what if you yeah like a

nascar like you have the punisher logo, but the, like the gay pride flag, people are like, what is going on with him? I was going to say, is there a Punisher logo shirt with that's pride colored? Oh, for sure there is. Go ahead and take it back. You know, I'm not, the Punisher can stay gone for all I care. But if you're into the Punisher and you're dope, take it back. Make a pride Punisher.

You know? You know what? Ally, dude. Let's add ally to the feminist tag. We already got going for Sean Jordan on this episode. Yeah, man. I mean, again, I guarantee you there's a closet full of capes. They're all different colors.

All my capes, but they're in the other room. Yeah. We can't gloss over Pride and Punisher. Yeah, yeah. Fantastic. Fantastic. Now, the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors played between

the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go I'm gonna call it rock paper scissors shoot ooh Golik wins a natural win a rock against two scissors Mike as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine

the order of today's draft, but before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? Great question. It's like riding a jet ski, bro. You're in a jet ski, you take it on a wide open lake, you go all the way over to the right, you fucking cruise for a little bit,

and then you're like, you yawk it over to the left. You know one of those where you're like, I'm going to and then you're like you yawk it over the left yes sir you know one of those where like i'm gonna fall in but then you just go flying to the left and then you jerk it again then you go straight a little bit then you another york and then you go all the way to the right and then jerk and then all the way to the left then turns out you're in a no wake zone bro then you gotta outrun the boat cops then it's real serpentine because then you hit a river then you're going like zigzag zigzag zigzag yeah and you forget where you hit all your grenades but you find them and then you just fucking throw one in the air and then you're out like a light playboy you pass mike on the highway and then your jet ski runs up onto

the cement you know one of those things you know all right take me take me to jail wheels pop out from underneath now you're on the freeway dude oh jet ski on wheels yeah oh yeah batman on vacation yeah the less you say about that the better let's say let's say that because that's our that's our ticket out of this media game is we just keep on wheels this is proprietary information everyone stay the fuck away patent pending patent pending patent pending patent pending uh basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round. You pick first in the second. Mike, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I am going to, because I fear the pressure of the number one overall pick, I'm going to go Ian at one.

Whoa. Oh, yeah. I'll go myself at two, Zach three, and then I'll have Sean going with the switchback spot here. Hot corner, baby. Hot corner. It's a guest sandwich today. Ian's in a hot corner too, right?

Well, being from Portland, Oregon, having the number one pick is not a comfortable position for me, knowing that you have. Who was it? It was Durant, right? We picked Greg Oden over Kevin Durant. Yeah.

Which remains the right pick. Was there a Jordan? Was there a Jordan? Was there a Jordan? We took Sam Bowie at, or Sam Bowie, depending on what region you're in. We took him at two. Michael Jordan went three. Hakeem Olajuwon, or Hakeem at the time, went number one. So, a couple people didn't pick Michael Jordan.

People forget that. It was for us why did that why did that happen we had clyde drexler dude yeah yeah they already had that position the clyde drexler man so a buddy of mine in elementary school there was that sports illustrated cover where clyde was on the and his fucking arms were airplane wings and uh my buddy told me Clyde Drexler's nickname was Clyde the Clyde, and he was a bully. And I was like, okay, and I just let it ride. And to this day, 35 years ago that was probably, and I'm still like, what an absolute dipshit you had to be.

That was right after you did the splits. He's like, by the way, here's this other thing you should know. Carry this with you in life. Clyde, the Clyde. I have the first pick, a rarity and a gift that is not going unnoticed. Thank you, Michael. I'm going to get to it right after we take this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm gonna hit you.

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Angie.com. Thank you. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Starbucks. Now, I want you to listen close. You listening? You really listening? Yeah, baby. You can hear it. That's fall. It is texting. It is calling. Whatever you want, it is falling. And that means the pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks. Now, here's what we want you to do. Here's what we are going to do. We are going to go to the closet, grab our most favorite, our comfiest fall clothing with the most fall colors on it. I'm going to go down to Starbucks and I'm going to leave my gloves at the door. I want you to do that too, because the only

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it for you in person live in the street take them up on that folks find yourself in manhattan beach what is it just walk up to people and go what's your mock draft looking like if you see that guy with a punisher mask shaped tank top on yes that's the guy. Yeah. Oh, that's the next level. The Punisher shaped pride tank walking around Manhattan beach. Oh man. I'm just here to protect my family and my family is everybody. You're drafting things that seem cool at first. I have the first pick and worth that first pick i'm going to take cocaine and okay moving on.

If you haven't done cocaine, congratulations. You've made every decision right with your life, or at least that one. Don't. Don't. Don't do it. You're fine. Here's what I'll say about cocaine. Watch the Martin Scorsese movie all the way till the end. All right?

Yeah. I don't even mean specifically the martin scorsese movies that include cocaine wolf wall street goodfellas but also those but just the way that he makes movies about something that seems cool at first absolutely at the end he shows you that it's a a horrible life full of awful decisions cocaine seems like such a good idea at first it's gonna make it's gonna make you interesting it's going to make everything else interesting. It's going to, at midnight, keep the night going for you.

It does. You'll never turn into a pumpkin. It'll all stay this way. Exactly. The ball is going all night and everyone's happy to see you. No! You immediately turn into a pumpkin. It's horrible.

It's bad for you you all of a sudden you find yourself at 5 a.m and your heart is beating so fast so fast yeah that's that was always my fear like i am of the group that has never done cocaine don't do it because i saw every movie that involved hard drugs and i'm always like oh i'm gonna be the guy in like bad boys 2 dying on ecstasy outside of a miami nightclub so exactly it's it it it's it's like that it's it's just awful it's just it's just it's just an awful thing we're i will when this comes out we'll be going to las vegas for my party the very next day and i've made it very clear yeah no cocaine no cane oh i thought you're gonna be like i made it very clear i will be relearning this lesson i'll be back i'm coming back in the game cocaine is able cocaine is it is able to do a lot of stuff man cocaine is able it never yeah it it all like

nardo said it best man in uh once upon a time in hollywood my booze don't need nobody it's yeah it's like the way to look at it now you're like it really doesn't it's the excess level is is crazy when you start going that route. Sometimes life builds brick walls in front of you, right? Brick walls. And sometimes that happens on a longer arc in life. And you should try to work your way over them or around them. But sometimes life builds brick walls in an evening. It's one in the morning.

And you're like, I'm tired. My eyes are shut. I should probably go home. And you're like, I'm tired. I should probably go home. And what cocaine is, is at 1 a.m. when life is built as brick wall, is that's getting in a car and driving at that brick wall as fast as you can. Thinking that will take care of the brick wall problem. The brick wall isn't going anywhere.

That's still there. You're just slamming into it as fast as you can. That's all cocaine is. Yeah, you're in a Corollaolla that doesn't go through the brick wall no no i i also have never done cocaine so it's like interesting to think of all the times i probably talk to people who are coked out and i can't like i'll just be like oh they're really chatty tonight or whatever yeah um but the whole but i have done drugs where my body is tired, you know, where you're like, ah, no, I can, I know my body is tired, but I bought pop this and it's just never good. It's never good.

Never good. Cause it's your body. When your body wants to be done doing something, you know, for the most part, it's like kind of the way to go. If you can listen to your body being like, you're done,

uh, you're done playing basketball for the night. You're done running. You're done, you know, whatever, then you're done, you know? Yeah. That's usually when I would snore cocaine is right after I played basketball. You didn't win by two. You didn't win by two.

The most inexplicable place I ever saw someone do cocaine was before a Dave Matthews concert. It was the first place I saw someone do coke. And you want to talk about putting a brick wall and driving a car where like it doesn't exist before. Who wants to be on coke for a 14 minute didgeridoo solo in Hartford, Connecticut? That sounds horrible. What do you like?

You want the ants to be marching up your leg, but they're not there, but they feel like they're there. What are you doing? The ants are biting. Yeah. He wants you to crash into him, the brick wall come on i'll tell you who does coke before that show tristan dude skylar maybe yeah tristan skylar dude yeah maybe maybe brett with three t's yeah just dakota yeah it would seem like you're you're like cocaine would to

me would be like you're at a i don't know like electronica or anything like upbeat and not dave matthews just a little too chill yeah it just seems like you'd go to blues fest on cocaine you'd be like ah it's more of a mushroom thing to me where you like do the do the mushrooms or something right or acid yeah life is rich enough on its own it is cocaine it's my first pick mike time for your first pick things that seem cool at first uh all right uh that was a phenomenal start and it's the reason that i i it's the reason i gave up the number one pick is i didn't want to be in charge of setting the tone on this cocaine hurts its knee or not give it a little while that is true yeah cocaine's questionable right now

uh i am gonna go with growing up yeah yeah oh shit yeah that's a great pick that's so good there was nothing that seemed cooler than being like older in five-year increments every time i was from like the age of eight on yeah once i was like in school where I had memories, I always looked five years in the distance and thought, man, those people got their shit together. Like they're driving cars. They're getting to do all this stuff. No, no, it's man. The dark, the darkness creeps in real quick. All that existential dread that you get to avoid as a kid really starts to taint the value of growing up i remember so clearly being in grade school being like how much longer i gotta do this for 10 more

years uh-huh like that seems like forever and like and it seemed like such a burden now i look back and i was like i was upset that i had somewhere to be from eight to two yeah yeah yeah and i learned right and it wasn't school wasn't even bad i wasn't ever one of those kids it was like fuck school but i i didn't i wasn't thrilled about it but like you look back and you're like it's fine you got to go chill see all your homies you got to see all the people you had a crush on all the time yeah it's like where else would you all your friends are there so like where you just be at home by yourself you're chilling you had to get up early was the only like big bummer and who gives a fuck it was i ate gushers and i never thought about death like

my biggest issue was trying to collect enough change to buy bosco sticks at lunch yeah you had your crew like we weren't even cool really we had our like our crew of friends but we weren't like the popular kids but it was just like just hanging out with your friends well that's the thing is like especially like you said it started at eight but like at that age you're like no one's cool and everyone's cool yeah i mean like you don't even have a frame of reference for that but man what a great pick i always think of like money was obviously the big like i remember when i was a kid i was like asking my mom to buy me some 50 toy and she's like i only have 150 dollars to get us through the next two weeks or whatever and i was like fine buy the toy then we

still have a hundred dollars which is the most money i've ever heard of yeah yeah why are you complaining woman we're rich. $100 is like what Scrooge McDuck dives into, mom. Yes. We're fine. I love that. So buy the toy. Why am I hearing the stalling?

Yeah, we still got $100 to play with. Okay. There were days, like probably weeks, where I would leave the house in middle school, high school with no access to any money for the whole day like i didn't have any money in my wallet or anything you just leave the house because it because it didn't matter for anything no money or ways to communicate with anybody you're just like let's okay this day is gonna happen we just go we'd go skate and we'd whenever we got thirsty we'd be like let's go to mike's house or or wherever and grab some water and food some pizza real quick and we just keep skating and they're just we just oh it was the best i used to get in so much trouble for trying to provide for all my friends like i try to sneak into the house

and then you're like sneaking out what eight pepsis they buy a 12 pack and they're like the whole 12 packs gone yeah yeah yeah yes i remember my mom was laying on the couch facing the tv and the fridge was behind her and i was like trying to sneak out a bunch of cans and as i stood up she just went zach and i went i'm sorry they're all for my friends she was like she was like oh i was just gonna ask you if you did the laundry i like totally yeah yeah immediately no that's yeah man that's on point i would just drink a gallon i would drink like a lot of milk back then and be fine like my body was fine you were so resilient yeah i could eat just candy and be fine like i'm sure i wasn't but i felt fine i used to come home

from football practice and eat an entire family-sized can of chef boyardee ravioli yeah it's like two thousand percent of your daily sodium yeah yeah it seriously is and your body would just be like great body's like well mike this thanks man hey let him on in you're a friend of mike's come on all right oh your blood pressure went from like yeah 99 to 100 watch out you brought six diet cokes too come on in in between daily doubles we would go back like to to my house and i would make like a huge pot of spaghetti and i would have spaghetti and microwave burritos and then go to sleep and then wake up for the second half of daily double and i would eat just like a fucking when you're here with your family amount of spaghetti and then like so many frozen burritos and i'm like and now

now what my body needs is immediate sleep that's so yeah dude it's just like oh my god it's like a traffic jam and then you're just like ah we're turning off all uh systems now i'm just gonna let that all sit your body just declares bankruptcy on itself it's like no we're out that's why and that's why you form an llc so you can do yeah listen i just ate the poison pill and you're gonna have to deal with that contract so i'm going to bed i'm not sure if i wasted the prime years of my life or if i used them exactly the way i should have but that's right that's how i was eating a jack-in-the-box big cheeseburger in between like between school and football practice did you guys so uh i didn't play football but kids on our

football team would always go to like old country buffet or a golden corral and then they would always eat until they puked like without fail that was like the goal i barfed after i mean let's let's not say too much just in case there's some pics but I definitely barfed at a team dinner at a Golden Corral yeah oh yeah I never barfed we would like we would definitely get there though where we'd be in the whip and like

everybody's still and quiet you know driving home you hit a speed bump everyone's like watch out that was a rough idea that we had. Because money was different. Oh, go ahead. I say being a kid athlete, it's like being a dog.

You don't have the reflex to stop. Yeah, right. He'll eat whatever you put in front of him. Yeah, yeah. You want to chase this ball? Sure, sure. Yeah, I just ate a whole plate of spaghetti in a microwave burrito.

That didn't go too far for me. There was some meatballs for a day on the counter some frozen meatballs the other day i cooked them a day ago and laura's like what are these doing i'm like getting eaten that's what they're doing just sitting there it still happens kids who weren't like that were weird though you know what i mean like what are you having for a snack one fig newton and some water what are you doing yeah just a sensible apple yeah have some sugar juice on the way home from football in high, we used to make one of the younger kids that we would carpool with go into the gas station and we would time him and make him go in and get the frosted donuts and a Mountain Dew Code Red for us every day. And if we didn't make it out in time, we would leave him there.

And we legitimately did it one time just to teach him a lesson about being timely with the donuts wow who ordered the code red growing up amazing pick amazing first pick uh council acula time for your pick oh boy okay well shit you guys those are great two first picks um this is gnarly i know i would say okay this one's just a personal one i don't think it'll get taken but i i worked at a sports store in a mall during college and i originally thought hey if i gotta work somewhere why not be at a place where you can chit chat with people a little bit you talk sports whatever it would fuck that it was awful it was awful people you really quickly realize you do not want to talk sports that much especially with people you don't know what exactly is the pick

is it's working at a sporting goods store yeah yeah working in a sporting goods store yeah i get it it was it like it seemed to me i was like oh okay working in a mall that seems pretty fun like what's it i don't know anything about candles or like gourmet chocolate so it seemed like sports store was the way to go and then when i started working there it was just like you just have the worst people coming in there and they're like they're like what what do you think uh my daughter's a steelers fan but i'm a bangles fan so i don't like them and you're like i don't care jersey you met that family from the nfl commercial who's like we're a steelers

ranger rangers browns family or yeah you're just like i don't need the story man and then yeah they always want to talk to you then you get a lot of people being like, telling you like, oh man, I think I could have made it, but you know, I blew my hammy out senior year. So, and you're like, I don't, I remember sometimes they'd have signings like where Ohio State players who were going pro would come in and it was Mike Nugent and whatever. Yeah. Yeah. So they sat me next to him and he was Mike Nugent and the kicker or whatever yeah yeah so they sat me next to him and

he was super cool he's a really nice guy and people were coming through and I was basically in charge of just keeping them going and this dude walks up and he goes dude Nuge man huge fan our moms work together and he was like uh-huh yeah yeah he's like yeah so like we should get together

we should hang out sometime and he's like oh yeah you know just uh tell your mom to talk to my mom or whatever. And he goes, no, I think we should hang out. And I just wonder if you could give me some pointers on kicking. And he was like, well, just line up and focus on the thing. And he goes, no, could we go out to a field and you kind of show me? I was like, dude, are you asking this guy? I think I could be an NFL kicker if you could just show me how to was like dude are you asking this guy like i think i could be an

nfl kicker if you could just show me how to do it just in an afternoon definitely thought that it ain't like that i want to take your job one day yeah what you do seems pretty easy you're one of the accessible football players yeah so i think yeah just working in a sporting goods store you think it's going to be great. You think you're going to meet all these interesting people, and you're like, no, it's just like any other store. Yep. I spent a lot of time at sporting goods stores in high school and college. Oh, yeah.

And then people try to steal stuff. Oh, yeah. You tried to steal an all gold Deuce McAllister jersey. Like, that's not. Wait. So is this like a sports memorabilia store or could you buy like equipment here also there was both it was this place in ohio called cardboard heroes and they great so it's like they did jerseys they did t-shirts they did you know we're also sporting stuff it gets real weird okay there was there was like

these pictures that they would sell where they would be like athletes but when they were babies hanging out together so it'd be like barry bonds with just a like winnie the poohing it with like a little giant's hat and a his jersey but a diaper on sitting next to uh ken griffey jr it was just like weird what a weird yeah yeah where you're like i don't want to ask questions about where this comes from did anyone buy it ever i think so yeah you got weird people in ohio trying to buy the oddest knickknacks you imagine going over to someone's house and they just have like oh yeah so there's this picture for my wedding and uh oh there that's my uh that's my degree you know what I mean?

Tulane. I had a great time. Yeah, yeah. And that's just... That right there is... That's Troy Aikman as a baby. Hanging out with John Elway as a baby. Yeah.

That's artist rendering. That's not a real picture, though. That's not real. They hadn't yet been drafted. We used to kick it in sporting goods stores and just sports stores all the time because that was my first identity, I feel like, where I was like, I'm a sports kid. I like sports. And that was the fit.

I always wanted jerseys. I always wanted... So yeah, we'd go Athletic Edge, Pro Image. We'd just hit the dots in the mall and never buy anything because all the jerseys are like 60 bucks and worth nine. There's a high percentage of customers in a sports store that just aren't buying they're just there for conversation i still here to hang out i stole tons of stuff from sports stores to all i had four grand hill jerseys i mean i stole i stole a notre dame i stole a ricky waters jersey from a sports store it's a winner running my favorite thing about sports stores was they sold better varieties of gum at the checkout counter because they all had to be like kind

of sports themed gum so they would have that like quench gum that just makes your mouth water a ton yeah and i almost rioted i went to a dick sporting goods the other day and almost started a fire because there was no big league chew at the checkout counter you have one fucking job there is to offer me gum that looks like i'm doing to chewing tobacco that's it and you failed on that so and a lot of those stores are stepping up you ever been to a best buy you're like damn they got a lot of food in here now they do there's like full brownies and shit you bring up big league i never put that together when i was a kid that i was supposed to be like chew but all the adults that let me you know what i league i never put that together when i was a kid that i was supposed to be like chew but all the adults that let me you know what i mean i if i could one or two big league

i'd be like i don't know about all that it's like planting the seed that you should chew well now am i being a prick now we're 20 years removed we're i mean we're 30 years removed from you being a kid so it's like yeah i mean it's just like now maybe it seems weird to give a kid that something that looks like chew back then it was like well at least it's not, you know what I mean? It's just like now maybe it seems weird to give a kid that something that looks like chew back then. It was like, well, at least it's not true. Yeah, right. Right. It's like a little adorable.

You're like, look at him with his little candy cigarettes. Yeah. It's like kind of like the Nicorette gum of kid chew. Yeah. That's another one, man. I think the guy who invented Big Lee Chew is from Portland. Yes, he is. Tight.

Or at least he lives or at least has spent time in the portland metro area for sure yeah yeah yeah tell him i have eight bags of it in my kitchen right now it's so good so it's the best it's the best flavor of grape i would just eat it like can't i mean you ever just put the whole fucking thing in your mouth oh yes constantly and not just gum you're like just gum spaghetti yeah yeah yeah a whole microwave burrito i think i could do it i put the whole thing in there yeah some stone fruits and i gotta pull out a pit put that put that on a shirt put the whole thing in sean jordan time for your first and second picks as it is a serpentine draft this uh this goes off the heels of the cocaine pick, but I'm picking flavored vodka.

Oh, God, what a great pick. That was because there was a while, it was the dragon fruit or whatever, where we would get a bottle and we'd just play past the shit and the bottle would be gone in seriously like 10 minutes. And then you just have this crazy sugar bad taste in your mouth because you didn't need anything to chase it or mix it or anything. You could just drink it.

And it's so thick and like viscous. But for a while, it just made it so easy to drink. And drinking shouldn't, to me now as an adult, shouldn't be that easy. It should be a little trickier to do to get that drunk. Two things that should be harder and that we should like alcohol should taste gross it should and lines for roller coasters should be long and both of those are for your own self-preservation yeah and like i have had this conversation i understand there are people who like have a you know can want a drink that doesn't taste like shit because they're going to have one or two, which is fine.

But if you're if you set a bottle on the table when in brunch in front of a bunch of 22 year olds, it should taste like turpentine, you know, just because you shouldn't be able just to house the whole thing. So that going into like birthday cake, going into like pineapple where you're like whipped cream. Yeah, do it. going into like pineapple where you're like whipped cream yeah do it if you're gonna be oh my god if you're gonna be pounding it every time you take a sip you should look like a rookie cop who just saw like a crime scene for the first time first murder yeah new guys in the corner puking his guts out you leave the room and they're like johnson's never had birthday cake before are they all like that it It should be so gross. Yeah, they got real butterscotch, stuff like that.

This is too good. It's too good. There was bacon. There's watermelon. All of them. Oh, yeah. Because at a certain point, there's like New Mountain Dews. They all kind of blend in. You're like, okay, so it's just vodka that doesn't taste exactly like vodka

and is setting off a bell somewhere in my brain that says it's okay and it's just i'm glad that went away because for a while i was like no i figured it out this is what i drink now also as a non-drinker like i'd look at i always like looking at all the bottles behind a bar and then when you're like if you have like 18 different flavored v at all the bottles behind a bar and then when you're like if you have like 18 different flavored vodkas that's like a huge part of your bar yeah that you just have to now accommodate space for couple that with bartending that was another thing because you'd have bacardi's and vodkas they're each like 10 flavors deep each one of them has their own ridiculous stupid shot that somebody could come order and And I'd be like, OK, so you want one like birthday smasher and you want one like bacon

Gouda. And it's like now I got to go mix and shake all these different shots. Fuck that. I did appreciate when we just decided that having his own shot just meant it was a different flavor of vodka mixed with Red Bull. Like that was all we had to do for a while. Like just throw bomb at the end and let's have yourselves a regrettable thursday evening i made one up at the bar i worked at it was called the obama and it was

bacardio and uh red bull wow and it was right it was right when obama got elected i was i've never been more proud as a bartender women the lgbtq community african African Americans, Sean Jordan is here for you. He's here. He's always been here. Yeah, I never left, baby. You remember that spot where there was only one set of footprints? That's when Sean was carrying you. That's right.

You know the guy who does those pictures of athletes when there's babies? There's one of Sean being a baby giving the black power fist. Yeah, dude, it's Sean. Malcolm X. It's Sean arm-in-armin luther king jr as babies as babies listen i could say some shitty stuff if you want it's her him as a baby helping helen keller as a baby learn pumping the water me and my crossed eyes. So yeah, flavored vodka. And the second one is a little gnarlier, maybe a little more polarizing if I use that word right.

But I'm going to pick gross internet videos. Okay, yeah. For a minute, and we don't need to explore it too much, but for a while you remember rotten.com

yes that is a great pick yeah for a while it would be like i swear to god we would go we'd be like do you go to rotten today and it was it was a short while maybe six months it was when the internet was pretty new and and like videos were new watching videos and computer was new but we'd watch the craziest shit and just be like do you see that video bro yes and i think we all kind of collectively at it felt like at like one point we all just looked at each other and said okay so this is this is crazy and depressing and gross and all this stuff i mean we don't want to watch these right but yeah it makes me think of the same brick wall thing that ian was talking about there's

like a morality brick wall where you're just like oh no you hit it yeah you hit it and now you're like i want to go back and i never want to get to this wall again but you thought you were being cool you thought you were being edgy and you're like i'm not whatever i'll do whatever and right usually one kid in the crew who was like more into it than everybody else too at least that was the case for us where it was like let's go to what rotten.com you're like oh okay we're all having a great time right yeah and it was like no it was just brandon yeah it was they were always so it you know it's fascinating to look at some of those pictures in in a way that it's just i guess just fascinating and i don't know however i'm trying to say it but it's horrible. Yeah, you'd be like

playing the free games on Lifesaver.com and then some kid would come over and be like, go to WatchMeRot.com, dude. And you're like, I don't want to. Let's look at the worst thing that's ever happened to a plumber. And you're like, oh, no. And it's that same shit where someone's like, dude, you see

who is it? Rudy Gobert broke his leg. Was it Rudy Gobert a while ago? Oh, george was it paul george where someone's you gotta watch it and i'm like i do not i don't need to see nurk break their leg i don't need to see this stuff kevin where was the other one kevin where oh yeah but all those where if i was in if i was in high school or early 20s i'd have been like we need to watch this 70 times a day for six months. I think I was a senior in high school or maybe junior when it was the national

championship was Ohio State and Miami and Willis McGee got his fucking sent the other way and they must have replayed that thing like 30 times that game and it was like, I can't look at this anymore. I laughed my ass off thinking, not i've put some space between that i was dying dude i laughed my ass off watching formula one the other weekend because there was a gnarly crash at the beginning of like

the british grand prix and they didn't show it at all on the broadcast until they knew everyone was okay like that was very standard operating procedure for them. And I'm like, in the NFL, I had to watch Zach Miller compound fracture his leg like 40 times just so we could know if he got both feet in bounds and actually scored. I was like, what the fuck are we doing? So we very much need to figure that out a lot better as football because we essentially take what sean drafted here and put it on display almost every weekend right yeah yeah it's like i i'm i'm okay if everyone like in the car crash if everyone's okay all day i'll watch that yeah that guy was like he was like doing an interview right after he was

like oh that was scary yeah yeah but no i feel like hopefully people are hopefully moving towards not showing it because it is nobody needs to see that shit man it's so buck but tangentially related was i remember we watched those bum fights videos like yeah i tried to show those that hit like at a slumber party and i was like oh awesome look at these dudes they're fighting each other and then like 10 minutes into it you're like this is that guy's this sucks so bad that guy's like yeah yeah so upset this is horrible what are we doing yeah it really would like everyone starts huddling around the computer and you're like oh my god this would be so awesome and then like it just keeps getting quieter and quieter and then people just start drifting away like i'm gonna go outside i think

yeah anyway gnarly gnarly uh internet videos well you remember when they took the made it a live show too and then chat roulette was a thing like it was just one of the internet videos were on constant cycle in front of you dude we did chat roulette one time at my old crib and when i first moved to portland i i can really wieldunchucks. So what we would do is I'd be wielding the nunchucks. Yeah, that did sound like a euphemism. I can really handle my nunchuck.

No, I'm just jerking off my roommates. No, I had literal nunchucks. Get your nunchucks up here for a reason. We're going on roulettelette you guys want to come over to my house and do karate but like so that's what they were doing in step brothers in the garage i would wheel the nunchucks and then we so we'd go through roulette to find somebody who wasn't beating off which is crazy hard and as soon as we did i'd wheel the nunchucks i'd step aside adam would come in and juggle and then tory would lean up and hit the gandalf like we had he had a gandalf

pipe and then he would just fade back and then we'd change the channel i'm like man i bet you that's what chat roulette should have been funny yeah yeah there's so many dudes beating off it's so crazy you were all beaten off while you did that though right yeah we were naked man what are you doing it was also interesting where you're like everyone knew it was gonna be a lot of dudes beating off so like anytime i was on chat roulette you're just like you see it you go and then you just skip to the next one you're not even like you're not even phased by you're just like oh yeah of course yeah yep amazing uh the tuscan time for your time okay uh i have waffling between two picks here and they both involve water i'm gonna go paddle boats too much goddamn work dude you get out you're like wait all the way back

there because you weren't that's icy dude that is a good pick and it's like people are like oh no go on a first date oh oh yeah you mean paddle out 45 minutes and then decide i don't want to be here anymore and then i gotta paddle back and then you stink oh yeah dude and if the other person's not pulling their weight you're just doing like going in the circle you're mad at each other on your first date you're like you didn't do shit i'm fucking kicking okay i have to wait so much more than anyone else i'd be in a paddle boat with so it's always like sagging to one side yeah it's it's a humbling reminder yeah that is a that's a funny one i mean we used to at coble lake i think it was like you'd yeah it i always i don't want to misrepresent myself i do think it's kind of fun now that i'm

know what i'm getting into but like when you're younger it's that thing you just you go and you're not looking behind you at the dock or whatever and then you turn around you're like well fuck yeah you just don't realize how far it is i also think you correlate pedaling to how like a pedal gets you this far on a bike but then you get in that bus and it's like it barely moves you have to pedal so much to get any kind of movement yeah yeah man you're just like yeah you want to go see uh i guess those ducks over there instead of these ducks like it's just there's not a lot happening on a lake in a in a boat shaped like a swan or a duck yeah exactly now i feel like i'm being deceptive too right and now i gotta there's

other people out it's like you're never the only person doing the paddle boat. There's a bunch of people. So then you're like, oh, so I just decided to get in a different car in traffic. Plastic boats made in Taiwan during the Carter administration. Yeah. It's not the best engineering. No sun protection. No.

Yeah. You should put a little cooler in there. You underestimate how fucking hot you're going to be out there. Oh, yeah. It's hot plastic. Oh, you yeah you grab the little break thing or the little whatever rudder and it's like hot the metal's all hot yeah where's that where's that water coming from there's a lot of questions yeah you're you're like you do get super wet too it kind of of course you're going to but you don't think about it but you're like you when, you're like, oh, my whole ass is wet.

And you're not wearing aqua socks. You're wearing Jordans or something. Those are soaked. It would be funny to go on a date on a paddle boat ride, go out to the middle, and then just go, all right, see ya. And then just jump, swim back, just dip out. I'm a Navy SEAL. And then you just roll off. You don't rise to the occasion.

You fall to your training. Bye. That's right. Ring the bell. You just leave a fake live grenade. Just all right. Peace. Oh, that'd be dope, man.

Oh, that's a great pick. That's a good call. Yep. Mike, time for your second pick. All right. I'm going to go with playing fantasy football. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I never even started. I gave it one shot one time. Mike, that is the whole impetus behind this podcast. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm aware. Yeah. Crafting is fun.

Yeah. Itrafting is fun. Yeah. It's fucking, like, and you go, you know what hooks me in? And I think for a lot of people and, like, shows like the league did this, like, they make the punishments feel like the glorified part. And it's like, oh, man, what a great bonding experience. My friends, we're going to get over. And instead, you find out how, A, unreliable most of your friends are yeah be like how miserable like being the commissioner also of a fantasy league a nightmare a nightmare you find out which one of your friends are all season you find out very quickly who your cheap

fucking friends are that you like just i i won't do it anymore i refuse every fantasy league i've ever joined has been against my will from the first one i did you're like duane send me 15 bucks dude like i can cover you but ask me it's 15 you got you're a lawyer so i've never because like ian was saying drafting is fun like but then to keep up with it like for fantasy league i've never actually really committed to one do they have to put money in every week is that kind of what happens it's once it's once. It's a one-time thing. It is really not hard. Well, then you get to the, like, sometimes you'll have it where everyone pays, and you're like, okay, great, everyone paid on time or whatever, but then it's like everyone's interest level drops after, like, week four or something.

You, like, need it to be, like, as active as you want it to be active, you know? Some guy got legitimately mad at me over a fantasy football trade late in the season that involved like an art, like a like a second tier running back. And I'm like, this is not what I bet. Like, I have executed one trade in my fantasy football life for that reason, because there's more work that I'm willing to do for that. It's just it's just asking me too much to do these value because as soon as i get a trade request i'm like all right clearly someone's trying to get over me and i'm not invested enough to do the math on this to figure out what i should be getting right i love that and people get mad and it's like talk to your wife keith like work on your marriage yeah yeah

this isn't what you're mad at there is a lot of displaced anger yeah i'm in yeah it's like why are you why are you only responding my trades at midnight? What's going on? Oh, that's, that's great. Such a good pick. Cause they really are.

You're like, you're drafting. You're like, this is fucking fun. Look at me. I got this, like this like killer lineup. And then two months later,

you're starting someone who's had a broken leg for two months. Cause you just can't, you know what I mean? And like you forget. And then you leave like three people that are on by weeksweeks and your lineup at once it's like all right what am i doing here if you have like one busy day it could ruin your whole season i was that person we all started it in bunches started i think and when you guys i think you were gone but he he did like a comedy uh fantasy basketball league and i was like cool this will be fun i'll get to talk to

my friends. I don't even think I did the first draft because through the emails I was like, nope, I'm definitely not going to want to do this. I got to be locked in 82 times this year. I knew immediately that I wasn't going to put the effort in. If you got the effort,

if it's you, dope. If you can do it, I just knew myself. When it's good, when you have a good crew and it's active and it's you dope like if you can do it i just knew myself when it's good when you have like a good crew and it's active and it's all that it's like there's kind of nothing better as a passive thing to do with your friends but yeah it's very rarely the situation you're right we should we should start a league we should all start a league the right people all right cool if it was like us i feel like I'd be like when I play poker and just go all in without looking at my cards.

That's like, that's how I would do the fantasy draft. I'd be like, whoever just give, just roll the, I'm picking by cool names, not by position. Exactly.

Frosty Rucker. Time for my second and third picks as it is a serpentine draft with my second pick i am going to take something that uh mike i think you're more well acquainted with than than i am or than any of us but we're all i think fairly well acquainted with it and it is having twitter followers oh it's interesting it's it, it's kind of one of those. I mean, listen, I like, I think, I think I'm very lucky. I think you guys all probably feel the same way that like the majority of the people who follow me on Twitter are like very cool and awesome.

And like, I really enjoy interacting with them, but the more followers you get, and I've seen this with my fiance too, who has like a ton and it's worse for women for sure. It's like the more you get, the more Twitter becomes sort of an unpleasant place for you. Like the, it just, it just because like, you're like,

I feel like 800 followers is like the ideal amount. What's like, you have like a paparazzi following you on every tweet. What did you mean? What did you mean by this? What about this? What about that? And then people get pissed that you have a lot of followers, so then they come at you like they're like, look at this guy.

He thinks he's fucking hot shit because he's verified and has followers. I'm like, I was on Chelsea lately once and they gave me the badge. I didn't ask for it. I can't get that badge. I didn't ask to be born on this site. You're like, I've never heard of you. I'm not asking you to

have heard of me why would you like alt stand-up comedy in 2010 no then why would you have heard of me that's fine it's great you guys probably haven't had to do this but i've had to pitch myself to try to get verified four or five times and they shut it down so quick every time i'm just like damn it i don't even it's just for like promotional use, you know, but I'm like, oh, and then I feel bad about myself. I had that brief dalliance where like a bunch of people were following me. And I remember Robbie Robertson from the band followed me on Twitter. And I was like, holy shit, dude, this is like, this is a big time follow.

And so I followed him back and message him like, hey, man, thanks for all the music. And he immediately unfollowed me. Oh, I love it. I was like right he's right though he's right he's right to do that oh man if he opens up the floodgates i would have probably never fucking stopped talking to him he set the donuts out and you ate it right away man yeah yeah you'd have been the guy at the sporting goods for talking to mike nugent and it's like dude just show me how to play a couple songs dylan had some good music well you know after converted right i thought so what do you mean slow train to come and i thought he had some stuff social media makes you feel bad about yourself and i know like i'm not splitting the atom but it's tough when you open your phone and you didn't feel bad about yourself or whatever and then

maybe you do because someone someone that tells you you know they're like i didn't i whatever someone called me oh yeah someone i i tweeted about uh the fourth of july that my stepdad bought a grenade and threw it and i got to watch it blow up it's a crazy shit people and people were flying like what if there was a family where he threw it it's like what do you why they wouldn't have been there they wouldn't have been there after that grenade had rights right so i guess so i guess it's just fuck fish then and you're like i don't know i don't we're not made like that's the thing is like if like 99 of twitter followers are cool fucking people totally and one percent of them probably suck but

like so if you have a hundred people that's one guy who sucks if there's a hundred thousand people not that i know but like then that's all of a sudden a thousand people who suck you know what i mean and then it's like then it becomes a very unpleasant toxic place so i really like it's and the people that suck are way more active than the people that don't i mean that's how it goes nobody ever calls they have like a life yeah no one no one calls into chase and like hey man you're doing you guys are doing great work over there no one's ever gonna tell you good shit you know you call into hbo customer service yeah just watch this movie fucking great you guys keep going we should do that maybe we should send some fucking some positive calls up the ladder that would be a funny patreon thing like just record a like yeah i sat on hold for an hour and what steven you're man you're killing it

dude that's right thank you yeah tell you can i speak to your boss because you're killing it bro i just that's it just wanted to talk to you i had a really great flight flight on delta uh the snacks were fantastic you guys brought out the nuts in a dish yeah Yeah. Now who's idea was that? In a dish? That's just because you're platinum now, Ian. Thank you very much. Speaking of Twitter, I did tweet that I'm a Delta Platinum member now. Whatever. It's not a big deal.

Anyone can do it. It's just I'm one of the people who did do it. You guys talk about it. I be about it. I did. I did. I did. I've sort of put my nose in the rhinestone. Is platinum the highest level no there's diamond and that's okay humble yeah diamond

diamond is when you're platinum but you got a vasectomy which i did so you know not just out here doing my part no big deal feminist yeah as soon as as soon as rofie wade was overturned sean was like snip me get out I'll do it for everybody. Get her out. Now, this is a, my third pick is a, this is, well, this could be true for anywhere, but it is sort of a West Coast specific, mostly LA specific thing. But that thing that seems cool at first and isn't is driving to Las Vegas. I'm about to do it in two weeks i know you are and i i've done it with the most fun crew i could imagine doing it with and i and i'm i no joke when i say that put

adam in there and that would add to it but and it still is like ah we could have flown getting there getting there is pretty cool because you have that juice you know what i mean but it's still i mean i uh swingers captured it perfectly swingers yeah yeah vegas baby vegas it's about it's about an hour too long of a drive for the amount of enthusiasm you have in that car and it's and the getting there can still be great it's the getting back with everything that just happened in las ve, all the economic fortune, all turns that fortune took, all the things you put into your body, everything that happened. All the bills are coming due on that right back.

All the bills are coming due. And all of a sudden it's hot and there's a line at Chipotle and there's traffic. And like, it's never, it's never 70 degrees. It's always 115 on the drive back. It's just. And you've always got one friend that can't read the room. Yeah. Completely.

Yeah. Just talking. Should we stop over? Should we stop out? Get some alien jerky? And you're like, we're going home. Yeah. I never get hung over.

I don't know what it is. It just doesn't work on me. It's weird. Yeah. They're just sitting there. They're like, yeah, I'm going to crack a beer. Is that all right? And you're like, no. No. I can't smell that if you do this i will stab you

must have been that one glass of water i had at 3 a.m i don't know i'm fine there's never there's never a bathroom equipped to take the shit you need to take no oh i remember that when we were like five blocks from home and you had switch oh yeah it's flip switch he's like couldn't even um i couldn't even really get upset about it like yeah it was because for a minute you were like no seriously i have we have to get home and you were getting a little upset and then about five blocks from home you weren't even upset you were just eyes laser focused on the road i disassociated yeah every part of my body that was ethereal was every part of me that was ethereal was in the bathroom already just waiting for my body

my soul my spirit my hopes my fears everything was in the bathroom my past my future only my corporeal form was still in that toyota prius yeah man i was tight yeah i'm with you oh man vegas don't do it oh man don't do it mike time for your third pick all right my third pick i'm gonna go just broadly doing it yourself i love that oh yeah that was absolutely absolutely on my list yes any diy project and i made this mistake during the recent move i just made i have made this mistake in setting up furniture before like every project you start starts with these grand dreams of usually some bullshit you saw someone do on the internet like i've been on a youtube page and i watched this guy you know hand whittle this thing that's now

his dresser in his bedroom and it's just never going to go that way this is it makes me tired thinking about it oh this is such a good pick every time i've ever set out to do anything on my own i all all it's done is raise my blood pressure and lower my self-esteem. That's it. We, uh, we're getting a new roof or we're, we're going to get one pretty quick.

And they, we got the bid back and I was talking to my wife, Laura, and I go, why can't I just go rip the shingles off the roof? I mean, that'll save us thousands. And she goes,

you, you can't do that. I was like, yeah, cause it's not just going and ripping them off the roof it's never what you think it is in your mind it's always always way more buck and that's why people make money doing it because it's hard i don't know if i mean to me it it is related but that's how i feel about cooking cooking new things where i'm like oh i i just

know i'm gonna fuck it up you're a good cook you are good i can cook the things that i'm like oh i i just know i'm gonna fuck it up but you're a good cook you are good i can cook the things that i know how to make already but if someone was like oh let's like if i i've never been a person to be like i'm just gonna look up a recipe and try it because i'm like i know i'm gonna fuck this up it's gonna take me a few times like it's a diy project that i'm not into i'll pay for it But if you fuck up like a bolognese, it's still probably going to taste okay. And then it's gone. If you hang your own towel rack at the wrong angle,

that's just up there and it's going to confront you every day. Yeah. We y'all go ahead. I was just saying, but doing it also, if you like live with someone or cooking for someone or just in general, have an audience is a thousand times worse. Cause if I fuck up that that towel rack for me i just have to deal with that and see it but now my abilities are on trial for someone else's judgment anytime i do that and that is

the feeling i mean shit i punted on the first pick on this podcast for that very same reason so maybe we should be hanging our own towel racks. Maybe that's the, maybe there's the wisdom in there. Hang your own towel rack. My book coming out in August. I literally hired a handyman to hang a towel rack in my house. It was one of my,

I was like, I, I, I, they, they make it look so easy on the, but like there's the instructions are two boxes. You know what I mean?

Like it's, it's like two boxes. You know what I mean? It's like two boxes and I'm like, nah. That's not who I am. I'm not the guy who does that. I don't want to have to put an anchor in the wall. That's the thing. You can't just pound a nail in. You gotta find the stud. People are always like, you'll feel

so good afterwards. And I don't. Every time I've done it, I don't. Painting a room for me, I'm like, oh, I would definitely just hire a professional person because they can also get that's the thing is they do it so much faster than you would and you're like oh well and if you if they screw if they screw up it's not your fault so right you know if something gets screwed up you're like okay if you screwed it up i was definitely gonna screw it up so now i didn't it's the economic principle of of opportunity cost

where it's like the amount of time it would take me to do this job i could make more money doing the thing i'm good at and use that to pay somebody who's actually good at this job so in a way it's like you know at some point it just becomes economically feasible to again hire someone to hang a towel rack really you're just investing in yourself yeah exactly sorry i believe in math and science you know what i mean sorry i'm sorry it is it is funny the last two picks are what my future is i'm definitely driving to vegas and i'm definitely doing a diy tour just drafting my life. Living in Glendale. Being in the Tenex is my next pick. Speaking of doing it yourself, Zach, it's time for you to do your next pick.

Oh, boy. There he goes. Oh, man. Okay. I'm going to go college degree. Wow. Oh, yeah. That was on mine, too.

Yeah. I really, I don't know. I mean, I'd be really fascinated to know what i actually thought was going to happen after i graduated but i really didn't put a lot of i just assume they're like you get your degree and then the world's like come on in you got plenty of space for you and that was not the case i also graduated with a history degree and when my sister was like what do you plan on doing with that I was like oh probably like travel the world dig up old stuff she's like that's archaeology

why did you tell me that freshman year fuck shit oh that's funny dig up old stuff you just like you're like okay well I'm paying a lot of money for this surely they're gonna help me like figure out what life is yeah like oh that's not what this is

it's almost like like moving along you're you're you're punted out into the world in a lot of ways and then like an institution comes along who's like hey wouldn't you like to just be sort of taken care of for the next four years all your money's taken care of all you have to do is go to these classes and you're like yeah yeah yeah absolutely it's like in any it's in any port in the storm situation where you're like it's this or i immediately have to like pay my own rent and all like all this stuff like well and it sounds so appealing you get to live in a different city in a dorm and your parents aren't there and you got cheddar and you can start getting tore up and you can maybe have some sex like it all sounds amazing i having said that i loved college i really enjoyed the experience and i don't know that i would be where i am without it

but it like it's a very high stakes situation very earlier in your life yeah oh yeah it's putting a lot i mean like how many people are just like oh I'm kind of fucked because I went to like if my sister is is an attorney and she's like, I don't think I want to do this anymore. And it's like, well, shit, you already sank hundreds of thousands of dollars into finding out. Right. This ain't it. Not discouraging college, but, you know, it's tough. Just, you know, be careful because while getting to go, basically it's the perfect blend of what we described about being in elementary school. Like you're still in the bubble where everything's

taken care of, but now it's like, if I want to go and buy 12 boxes of cereal, I don't have someone mom telling me that I can't do that anymore. Like I have that newfound freedom, but it's also like, yeah, you're going to come out with a lot of experience and getting drunk and having sex and eating cereal but not as much in the stuff that you were supposed to come there to do and absolutely dad yeah there's no one there to tell you not to take out government money to take improv again right right or you're like you're you're also like once you start going to college you're that kid who goes to the baseball stadium and you're like i got a free hat all i had to do is sign up for some fucking credit card yeah you know you start making those you're like this life's pretty fucking they're just handing out money and a hat i'll take it in college i found my and i had a brief stint but i found myself doing things that i thought you were supposed to do like oh better

better crack a beer when i get up stuff like that and you're like i don't i don't know if i should have been left to my own devices i think it's a very like um person by person basis looking back i don't know if there was no one telling me or if i wasn't listening and i think it was probably a combination of the two but like it's a very serious enterprise and it should be taken very seriously and like yeah i just didn't take it as seriously as i should have well i mean for a while it feels like there's no consequences for your actions and then at some point you're like oh god i can never take this yeah the first real instance that we went to i mean we lived in a part or like a townhouse where the garbage cans were literally

10 feet from the road and we just punted on taking garbage out for about three weeks. And then now fruit flies live in the house. A lot of them. So many flies. And it's like, oh, okay. There are like things do happen. The amount of times I had to do dishes in the bathtub because there was just too many. We had a garbage corner in our kitchen.

I'd steal these big bags from the grocery store I worked at and we'd set them in the corner, fill it up with garbage, and eventually it would be standing up. And then we would just keep putting garbage on it, and then you couldn't see the bag anymore. You're like, it's holding. The integrity is holding. We would cover the whole bag.

It looked for real like it was a garbage corner. Then we'd put it all into separate bags, and then we'd have to sneak it and throw it away at the frat house because we didn't pay for garbage. And it's just all this stuff where you're like what the fuck are you doing with a garbage corner in your kitchen you know it's just shocking to me oh yeah oh yeah we went to we went to a party where someone was trying to get rid of they had done the very college thing where you line up all the alcohol bottles on like the top of a shelf and it was a girl's house they so they had done all wine bottles.

And they wanted to get rid of them, so they invited this all over for a party. Let us go out on the back porch and just throw wine bottles off the back porch at concrete walls. You don't need to have a party to do that. Yeah, dude! You don't even need to be drunk to have fun doing that.

Oh my god, that sounds amazing! What a rush when one of those hits just the right angle and doesn't break and just bounces back up at you guys on the patio like a zinfandel boomerang yes exactly it's like it's like all those axe throwing gone wrong videos when the one bounces and zooms over their shoulder oh shit yeah rush oh great pick great pick uh sean jordan time for your third and fourth picks oh word uh well this is a personal one but for me it's it's just never worked out the way that it should have and that is a gym membership not for me and ian dude yeah i know zach and i saw each other at the gym this week yeah big yesterday in real time i've

never done anything at the gym that i couldn't just go outside and do so every time i get a gym membership for me i'm just like i run that's all i ever did i'd go to the gym i'd get on the treadmill and run or i'd run around the track and i'm like do this outside you know there's a tiny little part of it in winter in south dakota that did help but i still never never used it even close to what i should have or what i was paying for you don't need to tell us all you're doing is running those loose sleeves they're telling us for you bro oh yeah loose sleeves ships i try i try to go lift weights but i'm like i don't even know where to start and i think i've told you guys this but this last gym membership i got right

before covid i went in and they were doing i was meeting with the personal trainer at 24 they do the intro thing where they're like all right bro we're gonna get you we're gonna do these tests we're gonna have you max out so i did he goes we're gonna have you do as many sit-ups as you can do in a minute and i did like 35 then he goes we're to have you do as many sit-ups as you can do in a minute. And I did like 35. Then he goes, we're going to have you do as many pushups as you can do in a minute. I did 14, not a lot.

And, uh, so then he goes, you got to run as hard as you can for 15 minutes. We're going to check your whatever rate. So I'm on like 13 and a half minutes of running as hard as I can. And he's going over the numbers and he's like, Oh bro, one more pushup.

And you would have been average. Like that was pushing me. And he's straight up like he wasn't kidding. And I'm like, are you serious? That's motivating to you? That sounds motivating to you? And then COVID hit and I just called him. I was like, yeah, I can't. I'm done.

And I don't think I'll ever get a gym membership again. It's crazy because I have the inverse where during lockdown, where it was like everyone was just working out in their house. I was like, this sucks. Yeah. You get all sweaty and then you're just sitting on. You're like, I'm sitting on my bed.

I'm all sweaty. Yeah. You see the stain of your sweat and your carpet where you were just laying down doing all that. It's like, well, now I got to walk through that. And it's like, eh. Yeah. your carpet where you were just laying down doing all that it's like well now i gotta walk through that and it's like yeah i had a feeling i was with three gentlemen who probably get the proper use out of a gym membership i just never it was it just as a dust collector for me more of like uh

i go from my me in my mind i was like yeah you go to the gym don't worry you got a gym membership i think the problem is you also see the end result when you're at the beginning at the gym like i walk in even now and i see the guys that are like physique wise where I want to be and I see what they're doing over there. And I'm like, I'm not going to do all that anymore. Like, oh, I had I also like had the time in my life where I like I had to be big and do stuff like that. And so I kind of remember what it took to do that.

And there's no way in hell I'm ever doing that much work again now to sit around and gas bag about sports absolutely not right yeah it must be an all-day in for like that the amount of weight lifting and just training and eating and like that your life or in college must have orbited around that right it is to eat 5500 calories today a day it becomes your job all you do is eat and lift weights and that is it and then you go to practice and run into other fat people and then you go back to eating and lifting weights and it's just like no there's so much else i want to do guys like please don't make me go back like not not to disparage your because i think most people who end up in college football have other like disparate interests and like their life doesn't just like revolve around football and like all that stuff but you were like you seem like especially

interested in other things you know what i mean you're like how was it frustrating in in in college i mean it must be for everyone again i'm not like disparaging anyone else but just your experience like was it hard to have so much of your life dedicated to that um at the time no because like you're pretty, like I had grown up like kind of like Sean talked. I grew up a huge Notre Dame fan. I always wanted to be there. But every once in a while, you would felt the guardrails pop up.

Like everyone was all like signing up for classes is always example. We got to sign up for our classes first because we had practice time in the day. And everyone's like, oh, man, you're going to get exactly what you want. It's like, well, not really, because i can only take these certain classes at these certain times so automatically like 50 of the course load is off the table for me but uh yeah like you did if it's between certain hours of the day it's like well no you're doing your other job on campus here during that time so is that why like every athlete was like a communications major in the early 2000s

was like all communications classes were like 8 a.m oh yeah it's i mean it was timing and then like i mean a lot of places like we've seen enough of those where it's like hey come over here and major in like environmental studies and it's a couple of online classes where they'll chuck you for fun so it's right different for everybody but it was never it was never too too bad but every once in a while it's like you know all right i'm i'm just you know i'm not going to go study abroad that's not going to be something that i do here because i'm going to be throwing up into a garbage can in south bend in the middle of june right well you mentioned earlier like seeing the end result in a gym and it is nuts like if you ever

walk like hey man how long you been doing this they're like 20 years you're like fuck yeah 20 years fuck dude it took all 20 years for that to happen the guys got those resting arms you know the kind where you're like oh yeah yeah they're sinewy all the time yeah you're like you i you just ate a hamburger the guy whose arms are propped up on his own lats they just exist out oh man it's like a bridge that raises great pick johnny gym membership some people get more used out of it than you yeah i zach and i both offered to take you and show you just some basic stuff yeah and i don't it's what and what do i do i just don't don't take you up on those offers and that's

just the power squat power lifts yeah you know just the basic we just do basic stuff absolutely ian actually does squats while he jump ropes it's pretty impressive i just clean and jerk i go into the gym i clean and jerk for an hour and then i leave that's me and then i have to clean up yeah yeah i put like way too much weight on the dumbbell. Way too much to where nobody could lift it. I asked for spotters. I see somebody like, hey, you come spot me. I asked for a dumbbell?

It's like six. Wait, what's the bench? Oh, a barbell. I was like, that's so funny. Do you think you can help me spot with this dumbbell? What if I put like 500 pounds on a barbell

and I was asking someone for a spot? You just go, I'm trying to do 10. If I look like I need help, just do a light thing until I ask for more. Don't touch it, bro. Don't touch it, bro. Feather touch. Feather touch. You got this.

This is you. Yeah, yeah. I saw a guy get sawed in half on a squat machine one time. His buddies just stood there and watched him. He put like 400 pounds on the Smith machine, so it's locked into the it's locked into it. And this guy got folded up like an accordion.

Thank God he popped his head out at the last minute, or I would have watched someone die in the seventh grade learning how to weight lift from my dad. Squats on a Smith machine is insane to me. Yeah. I can't. You'd be able to toss that bar. Oh my God. Can't wait for the. You can be able to toss that bar. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Can't wait for the all a fantasy. Everything weightlifting exercise draft. Yeah, it's coming. Preacher curls. Sean, time for your fourth pick. Smoking. Oh, it was in.

And I know that's just me, too. Probably. I'm guessing on here. But that was one where it's like I didn't even start till I was I started when I was in like 13 probably but a brief like let's do it before school because we're crazy kind of thing and then I started smoking when I was like 20 probably which is so stupid and then I never really even liked it I just thought it was cool I thought it seemed like a good idea who knows why and then uh you know it was it was cool. I thought it seemed like a good idea. Who knows why? And then, you know, it was a terrible idea, smoking. Yeah.

I mean, if you smoke, I'm not judging you. I'm just, for me, it's like it never helped anything. It looks so cool. It does look so cool, though. It does look cool. It does look cool. And if people say it doesn't, they're crazy because it does. I would never smoke a cigar.

But when you see those pictures of MJ smoking a cigar after winning when you see like those pictures of like mj smoking a cigar after winning you're like that's fucking cool man i'll caveat that is that it looks as cool as the person doing it because you can also see a like yeah you're right fancy dinner at bubblegum shrimp ass dude nothing nothing's anything wrong with that not that there's anything wrong with that i've been that guy but you don't smoke in a cigar and you're like well that looks like a fucking he looks like a tater you know what i mean right right right no i'm talking like you you know it does look cool to smoke cigarettes it like that's the whole reason anybody starts if you don't start for that reason if you really are

just 15 and you're like i want i need tobacco me, then there's a whole different demon going on. But if you see it and it looks cool and you're like, I want to look like that. Yeah, the looking cool is like a side effect. It doesn't happen to you. It's like when you smoke, you might look cooler to other people. But anytime I've smoked, I'm like, I don't feel necessarily cooler. No. I mean, not cigarettes.

I felt a lot cooler and like i did a brief stint when i was back i first moved back home in my mid-20s and i was getting like going out here we messed up with my high school buddies and you'd be drunk outside of a bar at 2 a.m and it's just like yeah let me bum a dart off you what the hell like and you get to call it a cool things like hey can i bum a dart off you getting to say that absolute asshole but at the time I'm like this is the way of the world this is what I'm supposed to do I had a friend of mine who I rolled up back to our

back by our house one time and him and my other buddy are out smoking cigarettes out back by the garage and he just goes watch this and jams the lit cigarette up his nose takes a big sniff in and blows the smoke out of his mouth and i'm

like damn that's fucking tight i'll never be that cool my uh my trick when we were playing pool i used to be i used to be big into pool i really did i had my own cue and everything but i would i would put the lit sig in my ear flame out obviously but i put in my ear and i'd take a shot and i would like look at the person i was sometimes and just made me look like such a prick but if i made the shot i'd pull it out and be like anyway wow tuck behind your ear or hanging out of the ear loose stuck into my ear like oh my god like the butt of the cigarette oh my god in my ear like coming out like that like that in my ear yes oh wow and then i would just sit and like shoot the ball and just take it out and i look like a lunatic a prick all that all the all those things but it was brain is smoking yeah he went direct inject yeah imagine that that just

some dude shooting shooting up shot with on a pool table with a cig jammed into his ear. With a pool cue that he just unsheathed out of the case that he brought to the bar. And the pool cue's painted like a big cigarette. Says Bieber. That was a no case guy. That man, that big cigarette would have been such the move. That would have been hilarious. I was like Forrest Whitaker in Color of Money, man.

In a lot of ways, but one of them, no case for my cue. Anyway, Smoked Six. Well, you have a lot in common with Forrest Whitaker, just in general in a lot of ways, but one of them, no case for my cue. Anyway, so bucket six. Well, you have a lot in common with Forest Whitaker, just in general. We're both ghost dog at one point. Exactly. Zach, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick is going to be buying clothes online.

Oh. Always seems. Big COVID move. Saves myself a trip. This looks pretty good. Hey, it looks good on the model. Looks good on the model looks good on the model here that is a dice roll oh man and then you get it and you're like how the you're also because to

me you're like measurements exist for a reason yeah so like i get that small medium larges whatever can be different company company but when it's pants you're like i am this i am a 32 34 that correlates so inches what the fuck is so you're like how the fuck did i fuck this up like i measured it dude i said when i was a much bigger dude i remember when i was getting ready for my netflix thing i i wanted to get a fun outfit so i went on like but i didn't want to spend a ton of money because i didn't have well i guess but anyway i went on asos and they had like sizes up to like 7xl that's why i was like oh i got this this is i wear like a 3xl sometimes a four i guess but like in the two three four range and i ordered a bunch of different looks in 3xl and none of them fit and then 4xl and then none

of them fit and then 5xl and then a couple of them fit and i'm like what the fuck is going on here what what is this like designed to make me want to kill myself like what is going on here don't worry about it 5xl that's not even like it was just fucking insane big pun wasn't a 5x yeah you know what are we doing here man come on yeah it was like europe sizing, probably, right? Something like that. But even then, it's like there was such a little difference between 4 and 5. It's like, I've been to Europe.

Like, they got some fat people, too. Fewer. Right. But they're there. But they're there. Yeah, yeah. They used to have kings, you know? I get it.

There's some Belgians over there. You know, some big Belgians. You called a bitch about it in the song playing while you went, Wish you would step back from that she knows yeah i'm in so much pain no man i remember that yeah yeah close online i although sometimes it works out sometimes it works out sometimes yeah yeah i like when it works out you feel like you got away with it you're like oh god i did it these these fools do the thing where even if you buy it and it's a little too snug you keep it and you're like this will be my goal shirt when

i hit my weight that i want to and i'll get the reward of wearing the shirt that i just spent 80 dollars on aspirational clothing yeah i did it through covid i bought a bunch of sweaters that were one size too small and i was like do it and i did i did it and now i'm kind of back on the other end so and then yeah by the time that you're able to wear it you're like that's been way out of fashion no one wears no one wears vests anymore well hey hey now hey now everybody's gonna vest over a t-shirt you do that i never did that that old slater okay i see slater yeah yeah it's back it always comes everything's back it's shocking to me everything's back even this point

i'm like i think i have to go that george route uh and sign for where it's like everything i think i gotta go to the opposite yeah fashion dude tricks even in skateboarding fashion is back but tricks are back like tricks that used to people stop doing 20 years ago they're cool again it's insane to me i don't know know. Like Mondo Goose Slides? Yeah, Mondo Goose Slide, dude. Christ Air 900s and stuff like that? Well, Christ Air 900s never left, man. They stay.

They stay cool. Freaking Frackle Fritz? Speaking of staying cool, it's time for Mike's fourth pick. Better be cool. Well, in the interest of being cool and this like the fact that i thought that this was something that might be cool at first might say more about what a sucker i was cryptocurrency oh yeah at the beginning of it i was like mildly interested i was like oh okay

this seems like you know i remember when dogecoin was just done ironically at first and it's kind of this subversive thing and now like we were talking about before, I watched Joel Embiid walking through a basketball courts, having inspirational quotes read about him. And then it was to sell me a crypto wallet. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. Where it was like me and Joel Mead do the same thing. We took the hard road. Again, it's one of those commercials. We were like, what the fuck is this about? Took the hard road what is this again it's one of those commercials we were like what the fuck is this about took the hard road and bought ethereum instead of bitcoin it did it did seem cool at first where you're like this is the future man and like now and that whether

you bought it or not now it just seems so whack like the people who like also no one the thing that killed me about crypto was like no one was willing to have at least no one i encountered was like willing to have like a conversation that it that included any sort of conceit where it's like okay i know it seems a little hinky but here's why it works like everyone i talked to was like a evangelist you know what they were like yeah oh dude fiat currency is like so stupid it's so over blah blah blah blah blah like you know this is why crypto there was no like give on it at all it's like anything anyone's selling you that hard it's like it starts to seem less cool but then also starts to seem my whole thing with like nfts not just not crypto but nfts was like i don't know that this is a scam but this is if it was a scam this is exactly what it would look like yeah right exactly it feels it might not be but as a as a dumb

person it feels like it right to me i'm dumb i don't know i guess that's what i kind of figured out too is like maybe i'm just too i always offer that speaking of concessions like maybe i'm just too dumb for this thing oh totally and i've reached that point of like how my dad is averse to having to remember any of the passwords for his devices. Like he just, that's not a new software he is going to download at this point in his life. And I kind of respect that. And maybe that's just crypto for me. That's how I felt too.

But it turned out. Yeah. But it seems like at least so far, it seems not, not the best. I've never been, I've never been happier to be broke you know where you're like yeah oh i'm out of this i get to and then as it's failing i'm like yeah i told everyone i told

him it was yeah this is shaky stuff man i work with a guy who put like put a lot of money into it now and like when all that shit fell apart like i have money in stocks you know like my 401k and whatever like cool and those took a hit too it is cool i'm cool and i do cool stuff i have cool i have a cool life oh i put a 401 000 into crypto yeah but those took a hit but not the way that like crypto where it was like oh now it's just gone some of it oh dude i met a guy who who Bitcoin years and years ago, and he was like, I forgot my password like five years ago. And so he's like, I've been to hypnotherapists. I've been to everything to try to jog this password.

And he's like, probably it's a couple million dollars sitting there. You just can't access it. I'm like that. What? I mean, if that's the currency, that's that. I'm not going gonna get into that you can lose your password you just don't have your money anymore what the fuck is that who's my password to my wells fargo account i just reset it and the money's right there like

janine will walk you through it right you mean if i left my debit card at the bar it's gone i have no money now i start over over? Crypto. Excellent pick. Yeah, man. Excellent pick. Time for my fourth and then my final picks. The final round, of course, is a lightning round. But my fourth pick first, I have to take having sex in the shower. Oh, wow.

That was my pick. Oh, damn. Oh, wow. That's a good one. Still never done it yet. Seems cool. Movies make it look cool. Both the R-rated and other kinds, it looks awesome. Yeah. You're like, wow. That's a good one. Still never done it. Never done it yet. Seems cool. Movies make it look cool. Both the R-rated and other kinds, it looks awesome.

Yeah. You're like, wow. I love showers. I love sex. Mm-hmm. What could go wrong if you combine the two? Water is not a lubricant, people. Water is not a lubricant.

Screw that up. No. Most showers are designed to make water fall on one person, so then there's always one person who's wet but getting colder. Yep. Yeah. you know it's weird that you have an opinion on this um not married so just um i'm speculating once i have sex i imagine it will not be cool to have me i've gone and done some testing in the shower and done some blocking yeah just angles physics i brought my doll in there with me and dear god people do not do not use any conditioner or shampoo or soap beforehand because you don't want that getting in your body you don't

want it in your body you don't want it on the or on the tub yeah where your feet are you slipping and sliding yeah it's over that's the other part of it is i'm so worried the whole time about stability because now when i slip, the stakes are even higher. Someone else's safety is in my hands. Well, and it's okay. It's a whole thing, too. It's not like the movies where you just like, boom, you're in the shower rocked up. You got to get in there, warm it up, and then you got to preheat the oven.

And you're like, so I got to get in here and develop a boner now in the shower where it's weird. And it's just odd. I'm in the dark room developing a boner now in the shower where it's weird and it's just it's odd I'm in the dark room developing a boner yeah it's like the scenes in a movie where they're using science yeah to create something live to win

we have the technology we can't make this boner if scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could yeah that is sex in the shower it's just not it's just not getting the best out of sex everybody thinks it's very sexy you think like the best the best option available is like oh we'll just lay down not possible in the tub like no you want some come have to be like an outdoor shower or something also the question the question you want some company in there is a very sexy question unfortunately the answer is no i usually don't

no showers i'm going into for a reason i'll tell you what if i have to get somewhere and there's a car and there are just like i don't know like one roller skate i'm gonna take the car use the bed you know what are you doing the bed's right there it's perfect for it room temperature what you can dictate the temperature whatever you want it to be there's covers involved you got some pillows you can prop whatever it's not dangerous use the bed it ain't hurting by the time you're done you're like oh actually i think i have to go back in there and take like a real shower so i forgot to do anything just terrified for my own life just went for god forbid you have like a shower that's a little bit subpar too and you know like you're always working that fine line to find where it's

not scalding it goes from scalding hot to immediately cold without much warning yes right and hands are grabbing for anything. So it's like you turn the water and you're like all of a sudden your dick's getting cranked hoping it'll make the water hot again. I will say, I wonder if this is different for boys and girls, but I actually really like shower sex.

So I wonder if it's just a difference in gender, but I will say I feel like it seems like it difference in gender. But I will say you keep me guessing all the time. It seems like it is tougher for the dude for sure. Well, I think we have to develop that. We have to develop a bunch of stuff to find that purchase. You know, we have to try to find purchase in the shower. This episode of all fantasy.

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For me, it just makes cleanup so much easier because you're already there. You just hose off and you're good. Oh, that's a fact. That's a fact. Oh, hose off. That is true. But now the purchase, if I'm hearing you correctly,

is like the position and the insertion and all that, correct? Well, you have to gain some sort of leverage with your feet. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because it's on you. There's this hidden pressure that people don't get. It's on you to get it in. It's hard sometimes to get that.

No, I feel you. It seems tough, especially if there's a height difference between the partners. If you are in a good fit, it could be really tough. Also, who am I? I'm going to pick someone up. What am I? I barely use my gym membership. We already covered that.

Now, Mike, do you know as an NFL guard, previous NFL guard, do you have any footwork recommendations for how to have keep moving like a sturdy base for shower sets? You're going to want to turn your toes out right here and then make sure you get your hands up

underneath their armpits here. You really want to hit five points of contact. Like a tackling dummy? Yeah, exactly. And that smash mouth says. Why did Ian cut a hole in the bottom of the tackling dummy? Oh, man. He's practicing shower sex, coach.

He turns the hose on and just points it right at the dummy. That'd be just a montage, but he's practicing for shower sex like midnight sprinklers are on coaches out there blowing the whistle again it's gonna be in the third mcgruber movie you're about one way from average oh that's that's tight that's very fun um yeah sex in the shower and then my final pick this is the lightning round and there's not too much to say about this the buffet yeah dude cool idea at first then all of a sudden you're like could i can i take a nap in that mattress store or will they get mad you're you're you're wet burping food combinations that never should have existed it's the buffet that's my lightning round pick.

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Angie.com. Thank you. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Hatch. Now listen, as we get older, everything changes our responsibilities, challenges just in life. They increase.

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it's time to get up. It's such a good thing to have. I could not endorse this more than I do. With Hatch, you're going to sleep deeply with white, pink, brown noise, whatever you're feeling, other sleep sounds inspired by nature. You don't get that jarring alarm. It can fade in. It can wake you up. Nice, because that's a nice thing to do when you wake up the right way. You know what I'm talking about. And right now, Hatch is offering our listeners $20 off your purchase of a Hatch Restore and free shipping at hatch.co slash allfantasy. of a hatch restore and free shipping at hatch.co slash all fantasy sleep deeply and wake gently with the restore go to hatch.co slash all fantasy to get 20 off and free shipping again that's hatch.co slash all fantasy uh mike time for your final pick uh the entire sport of golf

yeah yeah what a great pick it seems like it's fun clothes and drinking outside and the end of the day you're breaking a club over a small tree because you hit this tiny little ball 500 yards to the right of where you want it yeah you don't recognize the man you are you've become out there yeah it is it is it is Jekyll and Hyde in its truest form fantastic pick Zach I'm gonna go and uh i'm gonna pick another sport wakeboarding oh no thank you wow i haven't even tried it's a lot of just taking a lot of lake water in your mouth and then the boat's got to come around it's just like but there's bad it's way too much yeah i was gonna say exactly yeah it's just like it's five seconds of terror and and suck for nothing.

Yeah, it sucks. Sean Jordan. Greyhound bus trips. Do those seem like a good idea? I always thought they did before I did. I didn't know how dicey they got. And I was like, holy, you kidding me? I can go for 60 bucks.

I can get from like, you know, Sioux Falls to St. Louis. But it's horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible they stop in every town there's lunatics everybody's shit face there's butterfly knives everywhere but there's bad parts yeah there's lake water so that's our final name gray lake water greyhound bus trips marissa do you have a pick uh yeah my pick was selected by sean i'm also backing up that smoking just looks so cool. My God, it still looks cool to this day. I'm glad I never got into it, but damn, does it look cool.

Yeah, it does. Smoking in the shower when you're boning. There it is. There it is. That's the dream. The after shower sex cigarette. Saves on cleanup. To recap, I went first.

I took cocaine, having a lot of twitter i took cocaine uh having a lot of twitter followers driving to vegas sex in the shower and the buffet uh mike you that sounds like a good night that's not a bad night mike you went second you took growing up playing fantasy football doing it yourself, crypto, and golf. Zach, you went third. Strong list. Strong list. Very strong. You took working at a sporting goods store, paddle boats, a college degree, buying clothes

online, and wakeboarding. Sean, you went last, and you took flavored vodka, gross internet videos, a gym membership, smoking, and a Greyhound bus trip. Another weird trip. You're like an 80s movie it's a night alone dude that is a night alone all that stuff together uh we left a lot of good stuff on the board uh long distance relationships eating challenges you know eating challenges yeah for sure i had 72 ounce steak yeah hot wings hot wing challenge or whatever pardon my ignorance but and ian uh

tweeted something about this but those nasa pictures i'm like i'm too dumb to know why this is it just looks like a bowling alley carpet yeah yeah yeah bowling ball yeah yeah yeah they announced that news like all of our dicks were about to get three inches bigger and they were all of a sudden you're gonna see colors you've never seen humans have never seen and i was like new colors i went i really thought it was gonna change things not since the segue was announced you know and they were like oh yeah the world and by that we mean guided tours papa space god's gonna come and give you three inches on that shower boner you know here was one that i thought about but i'm not i'm not done thinking i i'm like there's parts of it that

i still kind of like is rap metal where i'm like i can't honestly say that i'm done with it if i'm being honest to my friends if i'm being dead honest i can't say i'm done with it we know but of course we want to hear yours hit us up at all fantasy bot on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com uh shout out to the afe patreon did i and do all the announcer afe twitter afe.com that's an email yeah yeah to everyone the all fantasy everything patreon thank you for holding us down it's the place where we are announcing tour dates first by the way uh right there on the patreon yeah shout out to the afe Shaslackity, to the AFE subreddit. Shout out to super producer Marissa.

I want to shout out Felipe Borer on the subreddit who edited a four hour long supercut of the greatest moments of all Fantasy Everything history. That's amazing. Almost as long as one of our episodes. You can find it on the show's subreddit.

He also included a really great track list document that time codes all of the memorable bits from the podcast. So this is really great because a common thread I see on the subreddit

are people asking oh my god, what's the origin of this bit or when's the first time that they mentioned this? And so this track list document has all of the greatest bits listed in chronological order.

It's really amazing. So it's a good place to go if you want to find where a bit came from in all fantasy everything. Yeah, thanks Felipe. Wow. We love you Felipe. Yeah, for real. That rules. Yeah, that rules hard. If you ever come to a live show, make yourself known.

We're going to beat you up. Yeah, dude. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel, shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Sid the Dude, shout out to Hajiaji Beats and more important than all of that tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything Sha-clackity sure that was a hate gun podcast