All Fantasy Everything - Things to Do When You're Stoned (w/ Will Miles, David Gborie, and Mike Mulloy)

Episode Date: May 10, 2018

This episode is uh... it's uh... I dunno, man. It's pretty tight, I guess. Thank you to Dollar Shave Club for sponsoring this episode of All Fantasy Everything! For just $5, you can get their Daily Essentials Starter Set. It comes with Body Cleanser, One Wipe Charlies, their amazing butt wipes, their world famous Shave Butter, and their best razor: the six-blade Executive. Check it all out at dollarshaveclub.com/allfantasy.Looking to support All Fantasy Everything another way? Leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is just going to really sort of take it easy today. Yeah. Right? Just having a little Saturday, taking it easy, just sort of downshifting into the weekend. Yeah.

Just slowing it down. Slowing it down. Just like an ice cream scoop dipping into a room temperature sherbet, just gliding right in. You know what I mean? Popping it out, dropping it into a bowl, and then looking at it and saying, what if we draft some of this

stuff? That was a real sexy ice cream. Thank you. Room temperature sherbet. What I meant was that it's been sitting out in the... You know when you take it out of the freezer and you let it sit for about eight to nine minutes? Yeah.

And then it gets scoopable? There's no resistance when you put the scoop in. Right. It's just like there was no difference between the air and sherbet? Perfect circle. Yeah. That's sort of the painting I was trying to paint right there.

No, it worked. Okay, cool. It worked. Mall's sort of the painting I was trying to paint right there. No, it worked. Malloy? Yeah. Fantastic. I'm not stoned yet. I don't know if anybody else is. Check, please. I don't think vapes count, right? No. I still smoke bums. It has to be burnt flour.

We're gathered here today right? No, no, no, no, no. I still smoke bums. It has to be burnt flour. We, we're, we're, we're gathered here today to, to, to do a little fantasy draft and we are joined by, uh, Will Miles.

Hello, hello. Hey. At, uh, at Mr. Will Miles on Twitter. That's right.

Is it Mr. Will Miles on Instagram as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mr. Will Miles on Instagram. Standup comedian,

television writer. What are you writing on right now? Uh, Southside on Comedy Central. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mr. Will Miles on Instagram. Stand-up comedian, television writer. What are you writing on right now? Southside on Comedy Central. Yeah, Southside on Comedy Central. How are you doing today? I'm doing great, man. What did I do? I already did a show.

Today you did a show already? Yeah, at 1 p.m. What show is that? Cold Cereal. It's really good. Nice. Whose show is that? Olivia Aguilar.

I don't know Olivia Aguilar. It's right by my old place. Oh, is it really? It's pretty fun. Okay, right on. It's fun. 1 p. Whose show is that? Olivia Aguilar. I don't know Olivia Aguilar. It's right by my old place. Oh, is it really? It's pretty fun. Okay, right on. It's fun. You did a show. You just were on TV last night.

I know, I know. I really got to work harder. Did you tape last night? Yeah, yeah. Oh, awesome. How'd it go? It was great. It was so much fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my first TV set. No shit? Yeah. Oh, and it went really well? It went well. You did great. It was so much fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my first TV set. No shit? Yeah. Oh, and it went really well? It went well. You did great. Thank you.

Also, can I say, I know you work hard because you're missing a dog appointment. Yeah, how'd you know? Your girlfriend was very direct to telling me that last night. She was like, oh, do you know Will Miles? He's my boyfriend. I was like, yeah, Will's doing our podcast tomorrow. She's like, yeah, he's missing our dog appointment. So I i hope you have fun you mean like a vet appointment or it's like a dog appointment to see a dog yeah we were supposed to be meeting a dog but uh you know

you couldn't move that up uh here's the thing it's like tinder what kind of like you swipe is it really i think well she's doing most of it or literally all of it yeah so i think it is that where you like you you call the owners and you're like all right we'll meet at this time we like this one yeah you can keep that one whatever shit like that but weirdly we went to an arts fest this morning or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, in Pasadena and there were, there was like a dog adoption van and we got a dog there. Oh, perfect.

So it all worked out in the end. I don't want to like take credit for that. Yeah. Right. But I was definitely last night. Like maybe because you missed your appointment, you'll lead to another great story about how you got your dog. And you'll be like, oh, man, thank God we missed that appointment.

So you've already been to an arts fest, adopted a dog, and did a show today? It's so weird. We recorded a set for TV. Wow. And we were at the after party. Pretty late. This is a 24-hour period. Man.

That's very impressive. For someone who has been a lot of the same places you were the last 24 hours, I have achieved far less. David, what was the first half of your day like? Today? Yeah. The first half? Yeah, yeah. We're not even.

I haven't been awake as long as you think I have. Me neither. I put on those eye blinders this morning because I was like, I'm sleeping in come hell or high water. I had a fucking fucked up busy week and I was like, I'm sleeping till 11. I don't give a fuck. Hell yeah. You really need those out here. You really do.

It's crazy. The sunlight, it's pervasive. It'll slide through any crack. I get the blackout blinds. Those are blackout blinds. Nice. The problem with that is then I go too far. Yeah. I get the blackout blinds. Oh, yeah. Those are blackout blinds. Oh, nice. The problem with that is then I go too far.

Yeah. If I had blackout blinds... I still set an alarm on the weekends. I don't let myself sleep past like 10. Really? Yeah.

Really? That's good. Ever? No. Life is for living, Mike. Yeah. I don't like sleeping that much. What?

Get the fuck out of here. What do you say? I like being asleep when I'm asleep, but I don't like in that much. What? Get the fuck out of here. What do you say? I like being asleep, like when I'm asleep, but I don't like going to sleep. I like going to sleep so much. I do love going to sleep. It's the best part about sleep. I love it. Yeah, it's great.

I love laying in a bed and knowing I'm not going to have to go anywhere for like six to eight hours. God, it's awesome. That's the best thing in the world. Sometimes I'll think about that. I'll just be like, you don't have to be anywhere. Even if you only get like five hours of sleep, you're like, fuck, it's only five, but then you're like,

although I don't have to be anywhere for five hours. That's five hours I can just not do anything. Just not do anything. Oh my God. I don't like sleep. Wow.

Gross. Damn, dude. It's okay. Are you even a millennial, bro? I like being asleep when I'm asleep, but I don't like going to bed. Are you 10 years old? Yeah. Being asleep when I'm asleep, but I don't like going to bed. I like doing stuff.

You're 10 years old? Yeah. I thought everybody, all adults, liked going to sleep. Urban Outfitters' whole thing is like, sleep, pizza, the girls. That's all the t-shirts they have. Also, you smoke so much weed. Yeah, and I persevere. Really?

You're an inspiration. Man, that's that Boston talk, and it doesn't have to be like this. I think we each need a little bit of each other and each other. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think so. You need a little bit of me. I definitely need some of that. I might sleep with too much.

If I had blackout blinds, I would just become a creep. A shut-in and a creep. You'd get all pale? Yeah, I'd get all pale. I'd be a pale black person when it's all milky. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the most dangerous dude. God. Yeah, I'd get all pale. I'd be a pale black person when it's all milky. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the most dangerous dude.

God. Oh, man. I don't know if I'd wear pants. I'd wear shirts. Yeah. They're like sleeping shirts. Just like down to your knees. Like every fat kid in the 90s.

Right, exactly. Stop cutting my nails. Is that fat kid wearing shorts? Who knows? He's gone. But he wears that dress in the pool, though. I 100% rocked that look before. So did I.

Yeah. It's the long. Long t-shirt and then like a Sonics hat. Yeah. That was 93. I love the Sonics. That's a whole other riff. They were so good.

I was a Trailblazer fan, but even then, like when Sean Kemp and Gary Payton were going out. It was the best. It was the best time. The glove. The glove. Sam Perkins. Yeah. The Glove. The Glove, man. Sam Perkins. Yeah. Nate McMillan for a while. Nate McMillan?

Deadlift Shrimp. Eric Snow? Eric Snow? We should start calling Zach. Zach is in the studio, not on a mic. A psycho. We should start calling you Deadlift Shrimp. Oh, that's good. Deadlift Shrimp. He's into it. He's into it, and he's into a bag of Ritz bits.

Cheese ones. Cheese bits. Fuck yeah. You know what's crazy? As an adult, I'm just going to say it. I don't like the peanut butter and Ritz. I don't either. I was about to bring that up.

I don't either. I thought this was a crazy take. No, I'm past it. They need almond butter or something. Oh. I've changed. Or Nutella. Oh, man.

I can't fuck with Nutella, man. No? Yeah. It's a slippery slope for me just spreading chocolate on shit. I've changed. Or Nutella. Oh, man. I can't fuck with Nutella, man. No? Yeah. It's a slippery slope for me just spreading chocolate on shit. I get that. I understand that. I just like, I don't even want to start, man. Big in Europe.

We got a lot of Nutella in the late, late show offices. Really? Yeah. On account of everybody's British. But it's actually not just chocolate, right? It's hazelnut. It's hazelnut. It's hazelnut, actually.

It's mostly hazelnut. My girlfriend, her parents are from Italy. You guys know her. I said my girlfriend like you guys don't all know her. She also does comedy. But her family's from Italy and they moved here. She's first generation. And she had Nutella in her lunch every day.

Like for lunch. And she would get made fun of she always tells me. And then they got popular like 10 years ago, 15 years ago or something like that. And then she was ahead made fun of, she always tells me. And then they got popular like 10 years ago, 15 years ago or something like that. And then she was ahead of the curve. She would get made fun of. Kids are so terrible.

Kids are so stupid. You got a different nut spread, you bitch. Fuck you. You got a different nut spread. Who cares? What do you put on bread, nerd? Bitch, this is Europe. That company, like the Ferrero company that owns like Ferrero Rocher and Nutella and all that,

it's like one of the biggest companies in Europe. Wait, they also own Ferrero Rocher? Yeah, yeah. Man, I love those. It's an Italian hazelnut dynasty. Sometimes stuff is so great you can't believe it's real i know it is yeah i'm the heir to an italian hazelnut dynasty yeah that'd be amazing that's the people in europe who are rich outside of russia where they're all evil are pretty like whimsical rich people there's that yeah a lot of

chocolatiers a lot of chocolatiers and then there's like the ikea fortune oh yeah yeah although i think the guy who's like the heir to the Ikea fortune is kind of weird. Like, maybe, like, weird, like, white supremacist-y kind of weird. Yeah. They have good furniture, though. They have good furniture. We all need it. That's really what it goes to.

What's more depressing? One man's point of view, or what, like, a shelf cost at a real store? Yeah. That's true. Have you ever shopped for furniture at not Ikea? Yeah, that's true. Have you ever shopped for furniture at not IKEA? Yeah, it's fucked up. I've seen furniture prices and known that's not the game for me.

It's fucked up. Me and Liz went to Big Lots the other day and it's not a bad move. Really? I like Big Lots. We didn't buy anything, but I was like, I'm coming back for something. I've never been inside a Big Lots. My only complaint about Big Lots, they'm coming back for something. I've never been inside a Big Lots. My only complaint about Big Lots, they need a hot dog stand.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a complaint that can be made about most places. Well, not Home Depot or Costco. Exactly. Costco hot dogs, baby. Oh, wait, Costco does. Home Depot does.

Oh, always. Yeah, they have a hot dog place outside in Glendale, I know. Go get a thick one. Yeah. They didn't have the one in Hollywood. Well, I mean, that's Hollywood. Hollywood does it. It's a limited situation.

It's a little different, yeah. It's a limited situation. You can get a tofu dog. You know how Hollywood is. What with the tofu. What are we drafting? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. the tofu. Where do we draft it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Will, do you have anything?

This is going to come up. Marissa, how many do we have logged? Not next week, but the week after. Yeah, not next week, but the week after. Shout out to super producer Marissa. Do you have anything to promote? Where can people go see you? Wait, this is coming out the week after next?

Not next Thursday, the Thursday after that. Okay. So May 11th. May 11th. Wow. That was really quick. Damn. That was amazing. Nope, it was May 10th. In that reach. On

May 27th I'll be back in New York at Knitting Factory in Brooklyn Sunday night, 9pm. It's also going to be my birthday show. Oh, happy early birthday. Thank you, thank you. Come out to that for sure.

Also joining us today, David Borey in the studio. Hey. The GSIL on Twitter. That is what it is. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Still haven't changed it. How are you doing, Bubba? How did the recording go?

Oh, My New Negro's taping on Wednesday. It went very good. I was nervous, but it was fun. Yeah. Mike was there. I was. We all met up afterwards. We did.

We all met up for Zach's birthday afterwards. I got a bottle of D'Ussé in my room. Man. Which was like, I was just like, when I read that they were like, do you want anything in your room? I was like, now's not the time to lay it up. No. Like, I'm just going to go.

Because you don't know. I don't know the next time I'm going to be in this situation. And I want them to be like, oh, this guy's been here before. Yeah. So I got a bottle of cognac in my room. Hell yeah. That's amazing. You guys, we went to Cosa Buona, which is an Italian place, for Zach's birthday.

And you guys were taking polls off the Duce in the restaurant. Not you guys. David. You were too. I don't believe you. Now you're going to be having your first. I did. I thought this was a SEAL Team 6 situation, but fucking Mikey's out.

That's how I felt going in. I knew I was in a place of business and wasn't going to swig booze from a jug like a fucking boxcar hobo. Mike Malloy doesn't drink in places of business. Has anyone ever seen Mike Malloy drink in a place of business? Are you going to make me have to be the bad guy now? I'm the fucking bad guy now? You know what I wasn't doing? I wasn't choking people out.

I wasn't doing that. When was the last time you did that? It's been months. It's been months. Months? It's been months. It's been months. It has. It's been months. It's been months. It has.

It's been several. No, it's been a month. It's been a month. Oh, hell yeah. There were a couple of times the sweatshirt you were using to cover the bottle just sort of slinked off of it like a nightgown over my shoulder. Just sort of slinked off of it. And I had to be like.

Because there was a dude. Our server seemed tight as fuck and chill and like he wouldid right off of it. And I had to be like, because there was a dude, our server seemed tight as fucking chill and like he would have been cool with it. But there was one dude walking around where his jaw was set in such a way that you know he would have a problem with it. You know what I mean? Where someone's got like a tough guy jaw. And I was just like looking at him like,

that guy's not going to like it. Was it the several undone buttons on his shirt that gave away that he was chill uh yeah that guy he had it down to damn near the navel how green was his valley it went anyway he was did he have a chain it was a it was a a vest it was a denim vest he was wearing yeah that's pretty cool very open but yeah you can open a vest can. I'm not even into vest culture. But like, at work? With nothing under it? Yeah, it's Hollywood.

He was wild. I mean, hey, I'm for it. Everybody's trying to impress in Hollywood. It was a bold move, and he pulled it off. He didn't have flagrant taco meat, so it was fine. It wasn't going to end up in your food. I say we bring taco meat back. I love it.

I'm full. I think it's cool. I think I'm taco meat right now. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got like kind of spindly. Yeah. Well cool. I think I'm taco meat right now. Yeah, right? Oh, yeah. I got like kind of spindly... Yeah. Well, I mean, it's...

Yeah. Taco meat chest. Mine lays down weird because I put deodorant on it sometimes. On your taco meat? On your chest? Yeah. Really? I just...

Just to cover all bases. Sure, sure. I just do a stripe down the middle. Really? Really. Yeah. Is that documented as like a thing that people should do? I've never heard of it before.

Me either. I'm a latchkey kid? I've never heard of it before. Me either. I'm a latchkey kid. I taught myself a lot of arts. So it might not be. Is it an antiperspirant or just a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, okay. Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah, I'm just... I'm on an every three day cycle under the arms or so. Every three days? Yeah, I probably don't do every day. under the arms or so. Every three days? Yeah, I probably don't do every day. Really? Yeah. I don't know why. Is it the aluminum?

I mean, that's part of it. You don't want to put too much deodorant on because that's where your lymph nodes are. Yeah. So I'm just like every three days. Yeah, it'll cover them up. It's a feeling thing for me. Right. Also, Ursa Major has no aluminum.

I'm just going to put it out there. There's some Arm & Hammer show that just started fucking with it. It doesn't have aluminum, too. It's like Arm & Hammer Natural. Aluminium. But I gotta be honest, I feel like the aluminum makes it better. It makes it smell. Yeah, the

natural shit does not. I feel like I put it on a lot. Or natural toothpaste. It tastes terrible. It tastes terrible. They never should have shown us the fake shit. I can't go back. I think it's just Tom's. Like Tom's deodorant, you smell horrible. It smells horrible.

When Tom's deodorant, the deodorant leaves with your BO. You know what I mean? Where you're like, did you use it? And you're like, well, now this smell, it just has absorbed what I smell like. And I still smell like that. It's not efficient. It's not efficient. Everything organic is basically trash.

Like those Annie's mac and cheese. Like I'd rather fucking die than eat that over a regular Kraft mac and cheese. Like the Annie's or whoever it is like version of Cheetos. Oh yeah. Are they like bunnies? I think. Oh I know what you're talking about. Like their version of goldetos. Oh, yeah. Ugh. Are they like bunnies, I think? Oh, I know what you're talking about. Like their version

of goldfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It tastes like someone opened a factory that made flavorless crackers next to a Cheeto factory and it just like accidentally absorbed

some of the flavor. I will say I've been high and I've eaten tons of them in a row. Yeah, yeah. They were my nieces. I mean, I'll eat teething crackers.

Yeah. Give me high enough, I'll eat a coaster. Danny, where can people, anywhere people can see you soon? Anything to promote? I don't. I'm going to be in Washington, D.C. in like July. I don't have anything crazy on the books right now. Listen to Shinin'?

Listen to Shinin'? Listen to Shinin' with Sam and Dave. Other than that, yeah, I got I'm working on my calendar right now. Don't. It'll come together. Don't rush me. Stay tuned to future episodes of All Fantasy Everything for the full calendar update. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna be at Hot Tub

on, well, it's not gonna be out though. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Thanks for coming to see me at Hot Tub. There it is. Mikey Malloy, fake at fake Mike Malloy on Twitter. On all platforms. On all cross-platform. How are you doing, Bubba?

I'm doing pretty good. Good. I was having a good time with the boys last night at the party. We missed you. We wish you had come out. I'm no good on a Friday night anymore. I don't blame you. I worked all week.

I tapped out early, too. I just didn't have that all-night energy. I don't have. I sat my ass down and played. I got a new video game called Stardew Valley, where we'll talk about it more later. People have been tweeting about that game. Yeah. It's Stardew Valley.

Stardew Valley. Stardew Valley. Okay. Basically, farm. I'll get into it a little bit later. What do you got coming up? What are we going to do this week? Oh, so if this is coming out next week, we will have On Deck on May 17th.

Sure, that's a good sign. We're doing it at the Dynasty Typewriter, the two-year anniversary show. It should be fun. It's going to be great. And we're taking the show on the road July 20th. We're going to be in D.C. David mentioned it. Maybe David will be there at the same time as us. Who knows? Who knows? I'm there for the same festival. I'm going to be in D.C. David mentioned it. Maybe David will be there at the same time as us.

Who knows? Who knows? I'm there for the same festival. I'm going to be there. I know, David. I didn't know if you said that I could say that yet. Oh, I don't. I was trying to cover your ass and make sure.

What are you going to do to me? I don't know, David. What are you going to do to me? I don't know, David. Yeah, fine. There you go. David's doing On Deck in D.C. What's the name of the festival? I have no idea. It's at the Kennedy Center. It's at the fucking Kennedy. Oh, fine. There you go. David's doing it on deck in D.C. What's the name of the festival?

I have no idea. It's at the Kennedy Center. It's at the fucking Kennedy Center. Oh, shit. That's awesome. Yeah. Pretty fucking wild. The John fucking Kennedy Center.

Yeah. Is that what the F stands for? It's fucking. Yeah, yeah. All right. In your face, family. I did something that you fucking Massachusetts dipshits approve of, finally. Oh, yeah. An Irish camp. Oh approve of, finally. Oh, yeah.

An Irish Catholic. Oh, they love you. Yeah, yeah. There it is. It's just like being invited to Hyannis Port, you know? Still no Jewish president. So do all Irish Catholics love three ways, or was that just a Kennedy thing? You know, it's hard to say.

It's just a real chicken and the egg thing. I didn't realize it was a three way. Who liked it first? The father, the son, and the Holy Ghost. Yeah, exactly. All the Catholics love that shit. The only three ways I have are for Jesus. That's right.

Three-way for the Lord. Wait, who was the three-way? John, Marilyn Monroe? Didn't they have all kinds of crazy sex movies? Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot of tales. Those dudes loved to do it. Ted Kennedy straight up killed a woman in no way fair.

Like, he drove her into a lake and just left her there. Wait, what? Yeah. There's a movie out about it right now. Yeah. He was like... He was shit-faced. He was driving the babysitter home, went off a bridge, right?

And then, like, she died. And got out and didn't look for her. Was she a child? He didn't report her for 12 hours. No, she was... I think it was a woman he was having an affair with, wasn't it? Wasn't? Probably.

I think that, yeah. I think, yeah. I mean, that's libel, though. Yeah, allegedly. Allegedly, yeah. Who cares? What's he gonna do? Well, he's dead, too.

Actually, you can say whatever you want about him. Yeah. Now, libel laws don't matter. It can't. For the dead? Yeah, no. Really? Yeah.

Oh, that's dope. You can say whatever you want about a dead person. All right, I can't wait. I got some tweets. Let me clear out this draft folder. We'll be back in 20 minutes. It turns out I was wrong. We all end up in court.

Yeah. I am Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram. I don't really have anything coming up. Listen to all fantasy everything. Come see Good Looks in Los Angeles the first and third Wednesday of every month at UCB Franklin. That's kind of it. It's a weird time of year. Yeah, it is a weird time.

Watch the Late Late Show. Look for my Instagram live stories of me at the beach probably pretty soon here. That's all I got. I was going to ask you, you did an Instagram live. You did the stir fry. Oh, yeah. With the noodles that were also vegetables. Noodles, yeah.

It's zucchini noodles. Does it taste like real noodles is what I was going to ask. No, but it's good. So if you, I mean, you just got to like make sure you have enough other shit going with it. Yeah. That's the thing with like spaghetti. When you eat it, you're like really there for whatever's on top of it. Oh, yeah.

And then it's just kind of a good chewy base. But if you do it right with the zucchini noodles, you're not really going to miss it that much. Okay. You know, unless you love a spaghetti. And I do love a spaghetti. I love a spaghetti. Yeah. I love a spaghetti.

You can't eat a spaghetti forever. It's not just going to be zoodles. I love a spaghetti. Yeah, but like... I love a spaghetti. You can't eat a spaghetti for every meal. It's not just going to be zoodles. I've had spaghetti squash, too. Oh, yeah, that's good, too. That's good. How do you... Is that like a press situation? I don't know.

My girlfriend makes it. Spaghetti squash, you dig it. I mean, when you open a spaghetti squash, it's like spaghetti already in there. Oh, wow. It's already stringy. I think so. Maybe I'm wrong about that. But with zoodles, you can buy them pre-mandalind at Whole Foods for a pretty reasonable price.

I was going to say, I don't think they have my food for less. They don't. They might, though. They do have 89-cent pineapple soda. There you go. Damn. Can't beat it. It's fire.

So it's a good store. Diabetes in a soda. I don't know why I said that. I don't even drink that pineapple soda. Every time I go there, I'm like, 89 cents for a two liter. This is insane. Oh, it's a two liter? It's a two liter.

God damn. That's awesome. That basically sells itself right there. Yeah. You got to buy that. Back in Colorado, King Soopers used to sell three liters. That's too much soda. That's too much.

I can't believe how much soda I drank back in the day. Give that shit to kids. We just didn't know. We didn't know, right? Or our parents didn't know, or we were children of divorce, so they just had no idea. I don't know. Or Lasky kids. Or Lasky kids.

I have like one soda a week now. Yeah, I have none soda a week now. What soda is it? Like a Diet Coke. Okay, yeah. I do Coke every now and then. Yeah. I just drink it with liquor.

I have Coca-Cola every now and then. I do Coke every now and then. I just drink it with liquor. I have Coca-Cola every now and then. I do Coke every now and then. Yeah, I don't drink soda anymore unless there's liquor in it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That doesn't count, right? I had a squirt yesterday. Squirt is nice.

It makes my mouth dry. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, it's soda. It's just sugar. I just like the bubbles. That, it's soda doesn't... It's just sugar. I just like the bubbles. That's why I'll pound 10 LaCroix's. Yeah, that's why.

I've been all about that soda water. Pound a LaCroix right now. White now? Right now. All the way down. All the way down. All the way down. The other thing we're going to pound is this motherfucking fantasy draft.

We are gathered here today in the beautiful HeadGum Studios. Just a hop, skip, and a jump from downtown Los Angeles. The weather is gorgeous. fucking fantasy draft. We are gathered here today in the beautiful HeadGum Studios just to hop, skip, and a jump from downtown Los Angeles. The weather is gorgeous. There's a light wind. The sun is shining down upon us. And we are gathered here today to draft things you do when you're baked. Straightforward.

Straightforward. Which is why there's five people in the studio, because we couldn't do this without Zach present. Yeah, yeah. To determine the order of this draft, the three of you will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. What type of draft is it? Oh, it's an excellent question.

It is a serpentine draft. Okay. And what does that mean? No clue. Okay, so here, I'll take it. I'll take a crack and fill them in for Sean Jordan

so uh fuck picture picture your Zach Toscani right yeah and you've got the bowl of weed

on the coffee table but the bong is in the freezer chilling right so you grind up the weed and then you put it

in the bowl and then you walk back to the freezer to see if the bong is cold enough it's not cold enough yet so you close the freezer walk back to the freezer to see if the bong is cold enough. It's not cold enough yet, so you close the freezer, walk back to the bowl, put a little keef on top of it, and then go back to the freezer to see if the bong is cold yet. It is.

You grab the bong, and then you walk back over to where the bowl is, and then you smoke it. Serpentine. So basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. I've seen Zach do that. Oh, okay. So you double up a couple times. Was I supposed to be ready with that one?

I don't know. You both looked at me like, hey, off-brand Sean. You're like bad Sean. I'm like way off-brand Sean. I'm just Sean with a goatee. That's evil Sean. Yeah, that's what I mean

evil Sean do you want to say this is so dope or anything like that this is so buck and so dope and I'm so glad we're all friends

it's so tight we're all here it's you know all the things that brought us here are all so dope and everything's going to be dope

forever say kickflips and I love to do kickflips something And I love to do kickflips. Something about the way Mike says kickflips, there's so much disdain in his voice. Kickflips. He sounds like he despises them.

His one nemesis. To determine the order of the serpentine draft, the three of you will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Okay. And you throw on shoot. So here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, damn.

Do it again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. All right, Mikey wins. Mikey wins. There it is. Now, Mikey will determine the order of the draft. All righty. So we're going to do Will.

Okay. Me. Okay. David. Ian. Perfect. That's the way I had it written down already. That's awesome. Will Okay Me Okay David Ian Perfect That's the way I had it written down already That's awesome Oh really

Yeah Nice That is a That is a hexagon I'm not gonna I'm not gonna beat myself up over this No No

You should And nobody should If anybody did Actually no Well fuck it We'll do Will You Me

Well god damn it Alright David I'm second though Just to keep it in a circle Will Ian No let's see Actually, no, well, fuck it. We'll do Will, you, me. Well, goddammit. All right. David. Just to keep it in a circle. Will, Ian. No, that's a paperclip. No, I don't know. It's too much.

And then Mikey, and then David. Now you're going last, David. Great. Yep. Fucking cool, man. Can't wait to go last. All right, tight. Now, we will get to the first pick.

There's like four main things to do when you're baked. I know, yeah. We're all thinking it. You're going to get like going to church, I guess. We're going to find out what the first pick is in the things to do when you're baked, all fantasy, everything, right when we get back from this short and humorous commercial break. What's up, All Fantasy Everything listeners? It's your host, Ian Carmel. If you're anything like me, you hate going to the grocery store to try to figure out what razor you need to buy to sort of clean up your face so you can be presentable out there in the real world. Every time I go, I don't know what shaving cream to get.

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And we're back, and we're back with the first pick of the things to do when you're baked all fantasy everything. Will Miles, your first pick. Your first pick on all fantasy everything. First pick is listen to people's problematic favorite musicians. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. It's so good when you're baked because you're like, I'll give it a chance. Right. I listened to Post Malone on the way here. Yeah. People have a problem with him a lot. Right. I listened to Post Malone on the way here. Yeah. People have a problem with him a lot.

Why do people have such a big problem with him other than I kind of get it? Like, I inherently get it, but I don't know what the specifics are. Didn't he say he hates rap? Yes.

I think he did say that. He just looks like a fucking pig pen with a grill. He really does. He does. He's a dirty looking man, but that's not his fault.

Some people just look dirty. I mean, people aren't running at him throwing dirt at him. He's getting that dirt on himself. It's not dirt. It's just an acid.

He's just filthy, right? It's just an aura. I think he's just an oily dude. Yeah. The hair is like unkempt. He's getting so dirty. Right? Yeah.

People don't like the hair. I think people don't like that he, I saw a clip of him singing like country. Oh yeah. And then I saw a clip of him singing like country. Oh, yeah. And then I had a friend send that, like put it on their Instagram and be like, fuck this guy. But also that congratulations song is so good.

It's good. And I like Psycho too. Psycho's good. Yeah. He's like, he's, it's, even White Iverson is great. Yeah. Yeah. He's fun to listen to

He makes music that I want to throw on Especially if I'm baked Yeah, exactly Song on the way here It's so fun Mike's so angry It's fucking rap Dave Matthews band It is, that's what it is I think

Every fucking time Congratulations and White Iverson are the same fucking song. Yeah. Okay. Pepperoni and Hawaiian is both pizza. I like it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying I want to dive deep

into Post Malone's lyrics and get real analytical or whatever on it, but there's some of those songs I'll put on in the background. They're good. It's good stuff. I got into Bieber when I was stoned, too. That last album is good. It's great. It's fucking good. And I won't hear the slander.

Yeah. Also, my take on Justin Bieber is like, we've clowned on him for being a dickhead and all that stuff. Everybody does. If I had his money and opportunity at that age I would have been so much worse I'd be dead I would have died doing stupid stuff

I would have been an absolute monster He was like oh his bodyguard carried him And he peed in a bucket and he ate the house I did all that shit too But like I wasn't famous He peed somewhere? He peed in a bucket What an asshole

Freshman year of college I peed on the, you know when you like when a store closes and they pull down like the chung, chung, chung, chung, chung, like that big metal gate? Inside the student center. So I peed indoors against that, like maybe my third day at college, for no reason. See? Just because I was like, I'm going to pee on this door. Nick Mampay was there. I got drunk and peed on my lady friend one time.

Did you really? Not peed on, we fell asleep. Oh, okay. And I had to be like, hey, you got to move. It's not good for you here. This has become a target-rich environment. I haven't peed the bed yet.

I don't know how it hasn't happened. I had a stretch in sophomore year in college where it was happening to... Everybody in my dorm was, like, peeing their bed for, like, a two-week stretch, and it was, like, right when Sparks came out. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, like, we'd just be fucking redlining it, and our bodies would shut down and go on without us. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. We'd just be all piss in the bed. Yeah. It was a bad time.

It's just like when you go like... Yeah. Yeah. You know, like those funny cars when they're like running up? That's what your heart's doing. That's your heart. You're just like, fuck yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. More sparks, more sparks.

Do they still make that stuff? No. They got rid of it. That's when you like tie four skateboards together and try to go through a Taco Bell drive-thru. You suck at crazy ideas. They never should have let that stuff hit the market at all. It was for kids, clearly.

It was. So clearly. It was like college kids. Oh, man. God, yeah. It should have had a fucking cartoon mascot selling it to us yeah didn't they like

lessen the something in Four Loko in Four Loko they took the edge off well they got rid of the caffeine in it oh okay that's awesome though

because old Four Loko was fucked up bad man yeah we made a batch of it after it came off the market we like

wait in college we made like... It's not kombucha, Mike. Yeah. When I hear make a batch of it, I picture a cauldron. Big spoons.

Was it just coffee and vodka and soda water? It was like caffeine, pills, monster. Oh, whoa. Okay. First of all, don't say I made a batch of Four Loko like you used the recipe. I mean, in Jolly Ranchers, all sorts of stuff. That's not what Four Loko is.

It was. That's what we did. It was. Where did you make it? In a Gatorade container, like a big Gatorade jug. Oh, like a big orange. You put pills jug. Oh like a big orange pills in it Yeah, we I mean we dissolved them. It wasn't like a lot of it was meth and for topia Was it good no

How did you think this story was going to end? Neither was Sparks, to be fair. I don't know. With you in prison is how I kind of thought that story was going to end. Oh, man. The wildest thing I ever drank in college was we had Everclear. And we just drank Everclear and Fritopia. Freshman year.

And I remember sitting in a circle of dudes with that in the middle, just passing it around, just being like, this can't be it. This can't be life for me. My friend group, we had a short time period where we were all drinking that. It would always be like, see how many shots you could do. Yeah. And it's just like, that shit eats your stomach. Yeah, it's terrible.

If it's doing that to you, okay. We used to put Golden Grain, Everclear, and Bacardi 151 inside of this jungle juice that we would have at parties. And we would just be fucked up. And we would soak fruit in it overnight, too. Of course. So the fruit would have it, too. And we'd pretend like we'd take bites of the fruit the next day to get more fucked up. And we'd be fucked up.

I don't even do shots anymore. Yeah, I do. I do. I do. I was trying to think I anymore. If I'm going to have alcohol, I want it in the amount of time that I want to enjoy it in. You want it to be in a pitcher of margarita. Yeah. Now that you move, I don't even remember the name.

Mission Cantina. That's right. We'll go back there. In Hollywood? There's no reason for us to go back there. You can go. That place is terrible. Thank you.

Is this on Sunset? Yes. I hate that place so much. I go for Taco Tuesday. Oh, you went for food? What's wrong with you? The food is the worst food in the world. I never actually had a drink there.

Yeah, don't go for the food. We go for lunch at work every now and then. Oh, well then don't do that. I fucking hate it. Go to fucking Twin Sliders right next to it. It's delicious. It is. That's delicious. Or Ar it. It's delicious. It is. That's delicious.

Or Arby's down the street. It is. Arby's is good. Roast beef. The Arby's from Baskets, the TV show also. That's a classic Arby's. Arby's stands for roast beef. Does it?

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Arby's. Arby's. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Whoa. I just realized that like this year, too.

Yeah. And it was... It's like God speaking to you through a burning bush, man. Everything changes. Yeah. I thought there was an RV. No. Who just loved roast beef sandwiches.

It's not like Wendy. Fuck. Wait, is there a Wendy? Yeah. Yeah, there is. It's Dave Thomas' daughter. Okay. Yeah.

Is she still... I think she runs Wendy's now. She's in a commercial ever. Yeah. Okay. Shout out to Dave Thomas He listens to the podcast From heaven He's definitely in heaven Back to the problematic

How problematic will you go Will you like Triple X Tentacion That's trouble That's trouble That's gotta be a line that might be the line. Yeah, that's gotta be a line. I have listened to it before,

and it does slap. I know! When it comes on, it'll come on Rap Caviar or whatever playlist, and I'm like, ooh, this is pretty good, and I'll look at my phone,

and I'm like, fuck, damn it. Same. That's how I feel about NBA Youngboy. I feel like Rap... Yeah. Is he a bad guy, too? He's not a good guy.

Really? He's, like, really bad to his girlfriend, like, on social media. Didn't he, like, beat her up while she was pregnant, too, or some shit? Yeah, but then she was... No, I don't think she was... I don't know if she was pregnant, but then she, like, hit a whole video, and she was, like... She was, like, we were just playing, and it was just, like, you just want to give her

a hug. Oh, no. Oh, no. Also, Takashi69. Takashi69. Oh, no. Oh, no. Now that I brought it down. Also, Tekashi69. Tekashi69. Yeah, his shit bangs. Yeah.

He's just screaming, but it's so good. He looks like the fruit stripe zebra. I was listening to somebody freestyle the other day, and he said, we were selling ecstasy pills the same color as Tekashi's hair. That's so clever. Yeah, that's great. The rap is so clever Tekashi's hair. I was like, that's so clever. Rap is so clever. It really is. I want those pills.

Yeah, right? Yeah, sounds great. Sounds pretty good. Just taste the rainbow. Yeah, it is a great thing to do because you're kind of just like, fuck it, I'll fuck with this. I don't even feel like...

I haven't listened to the new Kanye yet, but I know if I get super baked, that's when it's going to happen. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't listen to the new Kanye yet, but I know if I get super baked, that's when it's going to happen. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't listen to it yet. Just any of the Kanye since this shit came out.

I, okay. Yeah. I feel like he's fucking with me. I do, too. And it's like, also, you can't take away from, like, there's a lot of people I support who have done far worse than just vaguely endorse Donald Trump. Absolutely. John Lennon was a terrible dude. Not even terribly. He put a hat on.

Okay, okay, okay. Explicitly. He full on. He full on. But like he didn't even, he doesn't even like, he hasn't even talked like, he hasn't even made it seem like he fully grasps the issue with it. I don't think he's fucking with you. I think he's a little bit lost. I do think he's lost. I think he's definitely lost since

his mom died. I don't think his brain works the same way our brains work. I think that's fair. That's for sure. I think he's got... I don't even know what the... I think he just will hyper-focus on details and let those blot out everything else that's going on. It's just like will hyper focus on details and let those like blot out everything else that's

going on. Yeah. It's just like, it's not, it's not even that he's like conservative or thinks that like Candace Owens or Donald Trump have these like innovative, like whatever, whatever. I mean, if he wants to get into the philosophy of that shit, that's fine. It's just so whack. Yeah. That's it.

Lame. Yeah. That like the Dilbert guy is like fucking with him. Like that's lame to me. Yeah, that's it. It's just so lame that like the Dilbert guy is like fucking with him. Like that's lame to me. Yeah. He's posting videos of it. It's super corny. It's just corny.

It's just like fuck. I like that he's saying dragon energy. That's weird. Yeah, because that's kind of fun. Yeah. I actually like that. I feel like he says a lot of stuff like it's all the kind of vague shit where it's just like, okay, yeah, say what love is and not.

And like, that's intangible. It's just mumbo jumbo. I know. Yeah. That's not like, people talk like that all the time. I live in San Francisco. That's what everybody, energy is just love converting into hate feels. And it's like, all right, those are words.

Yeah. Those are words. You still got to talk to people during the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still got to pay bills. Yeah, right, yeah. I would think it was less harmless if, like, Trump, like, wasn't the president under which, like, the, you know, like, ICE is thriving and, like, locking people up for four years, whatever, without, you know, and, like, tearing families apart and, like, all this shit. And, like, tax policies that, like, are really punitive against poor people and all that shit. Like, if that stuff wasn't going on and it was just a difference of opinion, like, that's one thing.

But, like, the fact that he's also got this, like, shit heads back, it's like, fuck, man. Come on, why? Yeah. Because he talks shit? Yeah. And he's the president? Like, I don't even care. And, like, you could pick so many other hills to die on.

I know. Yeah, yeah. And why is this the one? Because it's getting you the most attention. That's it. That's really what it is. Yeah. But the music is suffering

and that's all I care about. I'm like, if the album on June 1st is great, I mean, I'll still feel bad but I'll get really baked

and listen to it. You'll absolutely listen to it. I'll listen to it. I'm like already dreading listening to it. Me too. Because I'm either going to like it

or I'm going to hate it and I'm going to feel bad either way. There's no good outcome. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I listened to the song, the second one, the Yay vs. the People. Yeah. It's a little upsetting because it's not good rap.

It's just he's going back and forth with T.I. about, like, all the things he said on Twitter and T.I.'s being the people being like, but you don't understand it affects all this other shit. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, but I don't care. It's like okay you guys are rapping about this but I don't give a shit. Which is like cute when you're 20 and not when you're 40. He's a 40 year old guy

figuring out politics. Yeah that's not like an enlightened take. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's easy to like get kids excited about but. There's certain points where like go like where the stakes are so high that it's not cute anymore.

Anyway, but we can definitely get baked and still listen to Kanye and enjoy it. I can't wait for that Nas album. I think both of them are probably probably not that excited about it, and it probably will be. I was going to say, Nas is in trouble now, too. What did Nas do? Be beating up his wife, apparently.

Khalees. Pregnant. Is it Khalees or Khalees? Khalees. Khalees? I thought they got divorced. They did. Yeah, I think it was because he beat her up a lot.

Yeah, that's what she said. I think that was her main point. I didn't see that. That's a fucking bummer. All right, on to more positive stuff. It is time for my first pick. And with my first pick, I'm going to take probably my favorite thing to do when we get baked is to pass around the YouTube controller. Oh, that's good.

Just pull YouTube up either on the Smart TV or the Xbox, whatever you got going, and then just let everybody take a couple turns at the bat. It always works out well. You are really good about that, too. It's the best. It always works. And you got, like, what were we, remember when we were just watching, like, giant tsunamis? Yeah. Ooh, nice.

Like, you got some good shit I would never think to, also close calls. Close calls. We just watched, like, a close call call. That's good. Sean Jordan dials up, like, the, what is it, like, the dad saves or whatever. When they save their kids. When they save their kids. When they save their kids. Yeah.

And then you'll intersperse with that. There'll be some music videos you haven't seen before. Sean will put on a skate part. Yeah. Even though he doesn't smoke weed, he still throws down on it. It's just a wonderful way to show and tell. Yeah. But the super stoned adult version of show and tell

because youtube is so great it's so it is it's really like we don't give it up for like like we just take it for granted that we have this thing but youtube's incredible yeah because think of the the jumps we had to make like 20 years ago or 15 years ago when we were in like high school just to like watch a video that we wanted to watch oh yeah, yeah. They videotaped America's Home Videos or whatever. Even online, I remember having to download a video that I wanted to see that was like 10 seconds long. Oh, you were having to go to break.com?

Yeah. I went to break.com. Remember those weird video websites that you'd have to go to? I always went to homestarrunner.com. I'm Homestar Runner. When I was an adult. Didn't they find out it was racist?

What? Wasn't it problematic? Homestar Runner? Homestar Runner? Yeah, wasn't it some neo-Nazi shit? Damn. I don't know about that. What?

Because I was talking to somebody about it recently, and they were like, yeah, I guess there was some neo-Nazi shit. I could be fucking... I really hope you're fucking with me, man. I like that website. I uploaded a Break.com video for a contest, and I won a year's worth of shampoo once. Are you serious? What? What a great story.

What kind of shampoo? It was Garnier Fructis. Oh, yeah. I won a year? It was Garnier Fructis. Oh, yeah. I wanted a year's worth of Garnier Fructis. How many bottles is a year? I don't remember, but it was a lot. Did they just send you like a case? Yeah, I think it was.

They sent it like a bunch of them at once. They were like, this is a year's supply. I've never known anyone to win a sweepstakes like that. Yeah, it was like you make a how-to video, and I forget what my how-to video was, but I won. It was something silly and very stupid. Hell yeah. But I won. I was like, oh shit.

I just have to update the listeners. I'm finding no evidence that Homestar Runner is problematic. I could be wrong. I think you're wrong about this one. That's a bold thing to be just throwing out there, Mike. No, I remember somebody told me recently that it was like, that they like watched it recently and there were like some undertones of it.

Was this a Nazi who told you that? No. Well, I mean, yeah, David, you know how I'm always fucking. How do they know? You know how I'm always courting with fucking Nazis. How do you say, how do they know? I saw a Nazi at the Trader Joe's in Glendale once. You could.

They could be in our circles. See, they're at Trader Joe's. I saw a Nazi at the Trader Joe's in Glendale. What is he, crazy? He had a giant swastika tattoo on his shoulder. And he was surrounded. No. So he did it on purpose.

Yeah. He was out there just trying to court. And he got some for me. Wait, really? Yeah. I, like, we got in a big argument in the parking lot. Yeah, yeah. Which fizzled out into nothing.

But I was like, because he was, like, in his late 50s, early 60s, but he was, like, kind of built. Like, he looked like, remember Orange County Choppers? Oh, yeah. He looked like the older guy, yeah. But I was, like, ready to throw down, but it was very, I was a little bit hesitant, and I think he was, too. We ended up just screaming at each other and getting in our cars.

That's good. It's better that way. It'd also be very weird to get in a Nazi fight. What is the counter argument if you're the Nazi? That's a good point. Yeah, what is that? Yeah, like being a Nazi. You don't really have a leg to stand on when you're walking around with swastikas on.

You just have to be like, this is my bad opinion, and I'm going to keep having it. Woof. Yeah, I know. Woof. I just don't know why you'd go, I know why you would, but it's just like, to Trader Joe's. Yeah, we can't have neutral ground where the cookie butter is. Go to fucking Smart and Final with that shit. Put a hoodie on.

Come on, man. Yeah. Also, do you like organic food and stuff? It's crazy. Yeah. I guess they do. I guess he wants it. I never thought Nazis liked it.

Nazis got taste buds. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't know why I'm caping for Nazis. I don't know. What are you, Kanye? Yeah, this got weird. Picture a Nazi eating almond butter.

That's weird. It's weird. It is a weird thing. Just with his frozen gyoza. I'm just like. I love that three buck chuck. Is it three bucks now? I don't know.

Was it two buck chuck? It was two buck chuck. Inflation, man. Yeah. It should be three buck. That's one of those things where I'm like, charge me three. Yeah. I'll feel better about it.

It gets you a weird drunk, that two buck chuck. Yeah. Hot drunk. Yeah. Hot. Exactly hot about it. It gets you a weird drunk, that two-buck chug. Yeah, hot drunk. Yeah, hot. Exactly hot drunk. Exactly hot drunk. Red wine, especially cheap red wine, is a hot drunk. Yeah.

I call it passionate. Yeah, where you're just like, there might be a wet burp that night. There will be. Which sucks. And the next day in the bathroom will be awful. Awful. Yeah. Red wine drunk, man.

Yeah. That's something you Italians got wrong, Zach. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. You should fucking tell your people, get their shit in order. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It felt different when you did it.

Something about tell your people doesn't feel good. I'm half Italian. I can do that stuff. Oh, man. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. So, yeah, passing the YouTube controller. We found amazing shit that way. Some of the Avalanche videos.

Oh, that sounds good. They sound amazing. They're fun to watch. There's that one where the anchor. Oh, that sounds good. They sound amazing. They're fun to watch. There's that one where the anchor. Oh, God. Zach's saying there's this video with this anchor on a ship that, like, it starts going, and then when it's supposed to stop, whatever it's supposed to stop, it just breaks. So it keeps going faster and faster.

Remember that? Have you seen that one? No, I haven't seen it. Oh, so it's just, like, it's this giant rope on the ship, and now it's going, like, and then, like, it gets all hot and starts smoking and everything. Oh, that's great. It catches on fire. Yeah.

And then eventually the anchor's just like, and it's gone. Damn. And there's just these dudes on the ship like, all right. Guess we're fucked. Yeah, I guess we don't have an anchor. We don't have an anchor. I like watching music videos, too. Yes.

Well, that's what- They still exist. I mean, yeah. They still exist. That's like, I would say, 90% of the YouTube videos we watch. Yeah, me too. I like music videos better than movies. Me too.

It's like my favorite medium. I think it's my favorite medium, too. It's a close thing. I really- I go back. I re-watch music videos more than I re-watch movies. 100%. Yeah, I re-watch music videos more than I re-watch movies. 100%. Yeah, I really, really love it.

I also watch Russian police training. Oh! Videos from Russia just in general are crazy. That's a different world over there. I don't like it. You don't like the Russian world? It just seems cold and hard. Yeah.

It seems cold and hard yeah it seems cold and hard no wonder they're like hacking our elections and all that shit yeah they wanna get over here it's like I'm in soft they're born again hard

they're born in the fucking yeah in the darkness born hard gonna die hard born again hard yeah it's just cold and cruel over there

everything looks like that didn't they have that show in Russia where they would put out bait cars and videotape people stealing them? Yeah. And then the police would show up and there'd be a chase and it would just all be part of the TV show. The TV show was doing the bait cars. And then they just laughed. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Their TV show was called Bait Car. Bait Car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Their TV show was called Bait Car. Bait Car. Yeah. Yeah. See? I'm sure it's a beautiful place. Sure.

It just seems scary to me. I don't even know if it is. Yeah. It's nice of you to say. It seems... I admit... You know what, though? I think it's because I watched that Crocodile video.

Oh, yeah. That Vice Crocodile video. Oh, I didn't see it. And it's so scary. You know about Crocodile? No. It's like what they're using because they can't afford heroin, the Vice did. That Vice Crocodile video. Oh, I didn't see it. And it's so scary. You know about Crocodile? No. It's like what they're using because they can't afford heroin, right? Yeah.

And it's called Crocodile because it makes their skin scaly. That's not cool. That's terrible. They're running away. And they're in these bandos, I guess, in Russia. These Russian teens, man. That shit is scary. Scary.

That's fucked up. Anyways, great pick. Great pick. Mikey Maloiki. I am going to go with, to be perfectly frank, there's nothing I like better than getting a little stoned and grilling. Grilling! You do love that!

I'm going to put chilling and grilling. Chilling and grilling. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of times, especially when me and the boys have been out for a few drinks, we tend to pass the fire stick around. Sure. And I throw on the grill and I make some burgers for the gang. Some burgerskis.

You do love it. You love making burgers for your friends. I do. It's great. It's great. Hey, man, you gotta come over. Yeah, man. It's so good.

Especially because it's, yeah, usually after we've been pretty drunk. Yeah, that's great. That's amazing. Oof. That's been clutch a lot of times. Some of these things might be happening concurrently. Oh, yeah. In fact, all three of the first picks are probably happening at the same time. Yeah, that's great. Is it mostly burgers for you?

I have several questions. Sure. Is it a, do you get, do you make the patties or do you have pre-made patties? I usually go pre-made patties. Pre-made patties. Is this a cheese situation or no cheese? Cheese. Yeah.

Cheese on there. Usually I'll grab a cheddar. Ooh, nice. Love a sharp cheddar. A mild cheddar. Yeah. And then is there, does anything else work its way into the rotation or is it mostly burgers?

I always make sure, oh yeah, we do some other shit from time to time. Maybe a grilled cheese or a, you know. Well, that's not really grilling. But, you know... It's grilled. Well, griddle. Griddle. Yeah, I guess.

You know what I think? I'm not about grilled cheese, by the way. Make a grilled cheese. Smear mayonnaise. No. I've heard that before. I'm not doing it. Instead of butter?

No. I won't. Is it good? Yeah, it's great. I don't know why they're so angry at me about it. I'm not angry Is it good? Yeah, it's great. I mean, you wouldn't say they're really good. I don't know why they're being so angry at me about it. I'm not angry. I just don't want to do it. I'm not angry.

I don't even want to talk about it. I don't even want to. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't let his energy. I feel self-conscious about that. Don't let his energy cloud my gentle curiosity. Because what is mayonnaise? It's just eggs and oil.

Yeah, eggs and olive oil. Just whipped up. And the crust is good. People also do mayonnaise crusted chicken. Yeah, I've heard that. Mayonnaise is a lot more food than we think it's in. Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Mayonnaise is good.

I fuck with mayonnaise hard. I fuck with mayonnaise hard. I like it in certain things. I love mayo and mustard on a burger. Yeah, me too. It's so good. It's the best. I like a cheap yellow mustard.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't even need the shit in there. I want a Dijon if I'm putting it on a chicken. I want a good mustard if it's on a sandwich. Or on a bratwurst. Or on a burger. Or on a bratwurst, but on a burger, just that French's, that shit where the water comes out first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Ketchup, mayonnaise. Maybe not even ketchup, actually. You don't always need ketchup. You don't always need ketchup, but like a crisp pickle. Here's the thing. I rarely fuck with ketchup, to be completely honest with you.

Not even fries? No, man. I'm a hot sauce fry guy. There you go. Hot sauce on fries is delicious. There you go. Like a loose hot sauce or a thick? Like a Louisiana.

Are we talking vinegar based or like a Mexican hot sauce? Louisiana. Louisiana hot sauce. Okay. Yeah. All right. A vinegar hot sauce. Cholula is technically Mexican.

If it's on like a Five Guy fries, that would be real good. Yeah. Hell yeah. Or like Chick-fil-A fries, like the waffle fries. Oh, yeah. Because then it catches all the hot sauce. Yeah. It's delicious.

I like that we have all sort of socially just agreed that we're all going to go to Chick-fil-A again. Listen, man, I also got an iPhone. I know. I'm going to go to Chick-fil-A again. Listen, man, I also got an iPhone. I know. Yeah, right. Whatever their controversy was, it happened, and then we were all like, oh, I'm not going there for a couple years, and I was just like, it's a good sandwich. They've actually spread out more

than they have. They won. They won so hard. They lasted us out. They were like, yeah, okay, fine. You're not going to come get this delicious chicken? Sure, we'll be open. They lasted us out. They were like, yeah, okay, fine. You're not going to come get this delicious chicken? Sure, we'll be open. We'll be open. Not Sundays, but we'll be open.

Yeah, exactly. Not the day you absolutely need it most. For real. Seriously. How much money are they leaving on the table not being open on Sundays? Millions, right? Millions of dollars. I wish that Bojangles would open out here.

I've never eaten out of that. Bojangles would open out here. I've never eaten there. Yeah, Bojangles is delicious. It's so fucking good. Is that East Coast? I feel bad even eating there because it's named Bojangles. It's called Bojangles. It makes me feel weird every time I go in, but I'm like, fuck, it's good. I've never eaten at Cracker Barrel for the same reason.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. I'll watch every Mel Gibson movie ever made. I know he's a prick. I don't care.. I don't care. I just don't care. If they sucked, I wouldn't, but it's like,

he hates Jews, fine. Let him come to my house and beat me up, whatever. But it's not coming out in the movies. If you beat up Mel Gibson, that would be the coolest twist of fate.

I feel like he's now at the age where I could. Yeah. You can take him. Young Mel Gibson was tough. He's got me 10 out of 10 times, young Mel Gibson. Even like what women want, Mel Gibson could probably still beat some ass. I feel like even that is like, maybe he's winning 70-30.

But now I feel like I got him. Now he's old. He's like an old man now. Yeah. I grab him by that beard. Fuck yeah. You know? Do something to him.

Do something to him. Also, that's a great movie, What Women Want. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's so good. I like that movie a lot. I do too. Yeah. It's so sweet with his daughter. Yeah, exactly. It's very, What Women Want. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's so good. I like that movie a lot. I do, too. It's so sweet with his daughter.

Yeah, exactly. It's very good. He's a fucking movie star. Yeah. Yeah. He hates Jews for some reason. We were so good to him. We control Hollywood.

We let him in. Yeah. It really seems like. I think you guys were pretty sweet to him. Why so bitter, Melvin? You know? Anyway. Chilling and grilling.

David, it's time for your first and second picks, as it is. Ooh, nice. Serpentine Draft. Serpentine Draft. So, okay. I got to... I mean, it's the first round, so it doesn't matter, right? Right.

I'm going to go first. First, I... So often, I get baked and I do this when I don't even need to. Bathing. Bathing? Oh, yeah. That's on my list. That's on my list. I love God. That's on my list.

I love getting stoned and taking a hot shower. Yes. It's so good. Get some tunes in there. Oh my God. Exactly. Yeah. Yo,

if I get like some music or like a podcast cracking, I'll just be in there. A lot of times I might even take a bath. Yeah. Oh, nice. That's good. Yeah.

You know, you know what I save that for? Hotel. Hotel. Yes. Me too. If I'm baked at a hotel, I will fill that tub up.

I haven't taken a bath since I was 17 years old. Are you serious? You stay in so many hotels. Nice ones too. And have awesome bathtubs. And every time I'm like, nah, I'd rather be in bed. Here's the thing.

It's not before you go to bed. It's when you wake up. Yes. Oh. Like you start the day like that. Absolutely. Especially if you're hungover. Yes.

Just a good soak. Yeah. If I'm, and then take a shower before the show. That's a good call. Yeah. If I'm in the bathtub, my body hair will,

like kelp. Yeah. It stands up. I wish they could see your hair. Yeah. It's just, when I say like kelp, I feel like like I think they, I hope they get it. It's like a gentle wave, you know, and I'm looking at it and I'm like, who's that for? You know, it makes me conscious about my body hair and I never think about it.

You just got to close your eyes. I guess so. Close your eyes. You know what I do sometimes? I make the tub hot. This is any of you hotel freaks out there. Yeah. I don't know why I said freaks. I get the tub hot and then I'll

take the watch cloth and I'll get it wet with cold water and put it over my eyes and then I'm in the hot tub. It's so good. It's so good. But even getting stoned and just taking a long, hot shower. I love it.

Again, in a hotel, if it's got a great shower head, and you just stand under it right on top of your head, and it just goes whoosh, it's so good. I like it when you get it where the shower head, you got the, looks like I'm definitely jerking two people. Yeah, you look like he's jacking off two shacks. They're up there. They're up there. They're up there.

You know what I'm saying? When it's got the dual angles. Oh, my God. I love the dual angles. When I go for my little, which is coming up, yearly trip to the desert, I stay at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs, and I get the suite, and it's got the two shower heads.

I have no idea what this is. This is amazing. You've never been to Palm Springs? No. You've got to go to the Ace. Ace Hotel in Palm Springs. They have a beautiful pool. They have two pools, in fact.

Yeah. And one of them, all day, you just sit by the pool and you get pina coladas. And there's DJs playing cool music. Not like shitty, annoying music. Yeah. But cool, laid back, like what you want to hear by a pool music. You jump in the pool, you swim around, you get out, you have some drinks.

You just get tanned, you're stoned all day, you go back to your room, play records. It's, you gotta get out there. I made a woman pee her pants at that hotel once. Yeah. You had a gun and you're just like, pee your pants in there! Pee them!

No, she laughed so hard she peed in her pants. You do her shows out there. Yeah. And then she showed me. What? It was weird. It was like I was drinking at the bar, because we did the show in the Ace Hotel,

shot to Brad Silnutt's show. And afterwards she was like, you were so funny, I peed in my pants. And I was like, okay. And she's like, I peed my pants. And I was like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, do you want to see? And I was like, yeah. And she had them in her little backpack.

She had the pants she peed. It's kind of cute. That is cute. It was weird. It was real weird. Yeah, that's the, I don't even remember how that came. Oh, yeah, but it has the dual shower heads. Yeah, dual shower heads.

That's like a life. That's shower heads. Yeah, dual shower heads. That's like a life. That's a life. Yeah, it's such a life. You ever fucked with a steam shower? Yes, I have. No, what is that? I just realized I don't know what that is. It's all steam.

What? But it's a shower? But it's still like, there's like pressure. It's still wet. What? What is this? Yeah, it's crazy. I only do shit clubs, I think.

No, this was it. I tried that at somebody's house. Oh, okay, okay, yeah, yeah. At Yeah, it's crazy. I only do shit clubs, I think. No, this was it. I tried that at somebody's house. Oh, okay, okay, yeah, yeah. At somebody's dad's house. Damn, that's awesome. Yeah, I think I was at an expensive gym when I used one. Yeah, it's not common, but that shit was. Like maybe an Equinox or something.

That shit was crazy. But anyways, bathing. Yeah. You know what one thing I like to do is, if I'm super baked in the shower, is I'll take, if there's an empty shampoo bottle or like, body wash bottle, fill that up with the hot water. Oh. And then you have, like, the, it's, like, a thicker stream of hot water.

Yeah. Oh, nice. And it feels all totally. That is a great feeling. That's awesome. I mean, back in my wilder days, I would take a beer in. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Or a whiskey. I'm so thankful that you guys were, like, on board for that. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, of course. Or a whiskey. I'm so thankful that you guys were like on board for that. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, a shower beer is a privilege. Yeah, I love shower beers. And just, yeah, when you're baked and it's just like the nice cold water,

it's, I love it. I love taking a shower. Sometimes I'll just get baked and I'll be at home and I'll be like, I think I'm just going to take a shower. Yes. Yeah. Like I just, that's what I'm going to do today.

The one thing I miss about growing up on the Cape was outdoor shower. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like I just said, that's what I'm going to do today. The one thing I miss about growing up on the Cape was outdoor showers. Yes. Oh, that would be good stone. Yeah. Oh, my God. It is.

It's so great. Oh, man. My girl's family, she's there from Boston. They have like a Cape thing too. It's an outdoor shower. Outdoor shower. Outdoor shower.

Are you covered or are you naked in front of God and everyone? Naked in front of God and everyone. Oh, awesome. Oh, it's just the same. Well, no, there's like a, are you covered or are you naked in front of God and everyone? Naked in front of God and everyone. Oh, awesome. Oh, it's just the same. Well, no, there's like a, there's a little covering, yeah.

Oh, there's a little covering? Oh, God's like, whoa! Kind of be one, but like if I'm baked, I kind of want to almost just be like this. I know. But there's not like a top. This is how the world is. There's not like a top. Yeah, right.

So it's like a bathroom stall. Yeah. But you get that cold air, cold night air. Yeah. You get a little bit of that cold summer night air. I am not naked like just outside a lot. that cold air. Cold night air. Yeah. A little bit of that cold summer night air. I am not naked, like, just outside a lot. That's great. That's amazing. I mean, I won't always... I mean, sometimes

if I'm just, like, coming off the beach, I just want to, like, rinse off. I have my bathing suit still on if I'm, like, going to go back in. But sometimes, if you want to get... But yeah, sometimes I'll drop trow and get a little nude. Fuck it. Outside. The few times I've ever been naked outside, it's always great.

It's exhilarating. How come we can't? Isn't that fucked up? It's exhilarating. There's no nude beaches in LA, right? No. There's one in Brooklyn. There's one in San Francisco, but I didn't have the beaches for it.

There's one in Brooklyn, like on the edge of Brooklyn. Really? I don't think it's technically nude, but it's like there's no cops. They've all agreed. Everybody agrees it's a nude beach. So did you get nude? I didn't get fully nude, but everybody else was, and it was pretty great. I don't know.

This is funny. There's one up on Savi's Island up in Portland. It's just funny that the government is like, yeah, this is the naked one. And they'll just get behind it like that? As puritanical as everything else in our country is, they're still like, yeah, let it all hang out on this beach. This is fun. It's freeing. There's like famous penises who walked, yeah, let it all hang out on this beach. This is fine. It's freeing. There's like dudes with famous penises

who walked, like locally famous penises who walked down that beach. You know, you're like, that's that dude with that crazy big dick who just hangs out on Asabi's Island Naked Beach.

Oh, man. That would be the best, that would be the best thing to have your reputation. Yeah. Like you walk into a bar and people are like, that's Steve Kuldik.

He's like chubby and tan now, but he's still got this perfect penis. Also, my friend, one of my friends who's a stripper, like her and all her stripper friends will just go out and hang out naked. Yeah, just up in Portland. I'm playing it cool, but...

Yeah. Eighth grade... Eighth grade me is like, boy! Right? They're doing what we think they're doing. Yeah. Do they also have pillow fights?

They have pillow fights. Dave, what's your second pick? Okay, so my second pick. All right, man. I hate to be this guy. I know that we're not typically this type of podcast, but I'm just, I'm sorry, Marissa. I like to get high and masturbate.

Oh, yeah? I like to get high and masturbate. Oh, yeah. I like to get baked and masturbate. It's pretty great. I think it's really great. It's like calms me down so much. I don't know, man. I just love it. It heightens it.

There's something about it. There's something about when you're just like, I'm talking like blitz, like I can barely move. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going into the spank bank. I'm not like watching anything. Yeah, yeah, oh my God. I Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going into the spank bank. I'm not, like, watching anything. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

I'm just like, yeah. Sometimes it's not even sex I'm thinking about. It's just, like, colors and shapes. Just like. Right? It's just experiences. Yeah, it's just, like, the color maroon. It's like, ooh.

And I keep going. Kelly Green, huh? What are you doing here? For me? Yeah, dodecagon. Summer winds. Yeah, just concepts. Oh, hello, empathy.

That's also sometimes when you'll really lay it out, you'll really go for it. Yeah. Because if you are going to watch a video, you're going to be like, I'm actually not going to fast forward to the sex. I'm going to let it through. Let's go through. I'm going to sit through the story part. I'm like, okay, so she's an art student? Oh.

All right. And this guy's like her professor. She's at his house. All right. I can see how that can maybe be a realistic situation for sex. It's fun to go in, and it is also fun to go in. Yeah.

Like, you're like, $60? No way! Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which is, you know, whatever that means to you. I don't know your tabs.

There's like a, there's property sex stuff. You ever watch those? Yeah. I've never, I, like, when you get stoned, you really pay attention

to what those are about because it's just property sex. You're like, okay, when are they going to fuck? But then it's like, oh, wow, this is like a weird landlord thing. To me, that's like the biggest part of the porn. It's like, this guy can afford a house?

Especially like, I've noticed that there's like a rash of like highly produced pornography coming out. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Blacked. Yeah. They also make Vixen. That's part of the Vixen family. Yeah. Yeah. That shit is like a movie.

It is. It's like a movie and then they fuck. Black, Tushy, Vixen. Tushy, yeah. They're wearing impeccable clothing everywhere. They look great. They all clearly had makeup on. Yeah.

Professional. Don't get me wrong. I'm amateur until I die. Sure, of course. But every now and again, yeah, I want to watch something. What if Lars von Trier directed a porn? Absolutely. Yeah, sometimes I just want to see two Barbie dolls doing it.

Barbie and a Ken, I guess. My ex-girlfriend, who is now a pornographic actor, has done, she's done a tushy, I think she's done blacked as well. Really? Really. Pepper Hart is her name. Is her name? In porn. That Hart is her name. Is her name? On the porn. That's her porn name.

Okay. I'm not going to hang around to drive. If that even is a thing, you don't want real names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are there any porn stars who've gone by their real name? I mean, at this point, what's the fucking point? Like, everybody's going to find out your name anyway. It just takes one asshole going, hey, fuck it, I went to find out your name anyway.

It just takes one asshole going, hey, fuck it, I went to high school with this kid. I just hope the stigma goes away. Yeah, it shouldn't be. Who cares you did porn? It's the stupidest thing to me that would follow you anywhere. It's like, oh, that thing all of us watch? Yeah. You know?

Wait, Mr. Marcus went to, to I mean his name is Mr. Marcus I was like what the fuck man I'm so confused it could be it's like how Logic's real name

is like Sir Robert or something like that Logic really yeah oh wow yeah Mr. Marcus I think went to my college

really and it was like Martin Luther King went to our college but I was more fascinated by that sure you can kind of see how Mr. Marcus' or MLK's life could happen.

But you're like, what led Mr. Marcus to that? I mean, some people call Mr. Marcus the modern-day Martin Luther King. You just think, like, what was his essay like? Yeah, what was he? Was he just like, I have this talent. I have this talent that I need to share with the world. What did I make? He just pulled it out.

Right. What did Mr. Marcus major in? Right, exactly. Why does he need college? If he did that as like a doctoral thesis, you know, and you have to go defend your thesis, and he just pulled his dick out. He just puts it on the table? Just slaps it against the microphone.

All right, yeah, man. You graduated. Great job. So bathing and masturbating, one and then the other, too. You know, that might be nice. Yeah. Oh, that's pretty dope. That's an afternoon.

Go put on a robe. Yeah. Yeah. I got to get a robe. One time this girl and I were smoking at my house in college, and we were definitely not going to hook up, but she left for a little bit, and she was like, whew, I was so high I had to go masturbate in your bathroom. Whoa.

That was still, to this day, one of the most shocking experiences ever. Wow. She said that? Yeah, she was so cool. And then I was like, okay, like, I mean, this might sound weird, but I'm going to obviously do that in a little bit when you leave. The minute you leave, I'm obviously going to do that too. Since all the cards are on the table.

Since we're just telling everything we're doing. What happened to her? Is she running for president? I know she should. She sounds great. That's so cool. She is very doing. Is she running for president? I know she should. She sounds great. That's so cool. She is very cool. Were you guys just friends and there was never a risk of the two of you hooking up?

Never. Yeah, yeah. Wow. It was just a cool thing like that. She hooked up with my other friend who's a girl. She's bisexual. Oh, sure. But she dated my friend for a while.

She's just sexual. You don't even have to do anything in front of her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She might be pansexual. Some people just love it. Yeah, yeah. I'm pan fried noodle sexual. You know what I mean? I like them. I like the noodles, yeah. She might be pansexual. Some people just love it. Yeah, yeah. I'm pan-fried noodle sexual. You know what I mean?

I like them. I like the noodles, Mikey. Mike Malloy, it is time for your second pick. All righty. For my second pick, I want to make sure that all law enforcement officials turn off the podcast for a little bit. Cops love this podcast. I know this is number two right behind cop talk.

You know, nothing I like more than getting a little high and driving a car. Totally get it. You do like it. I love it. I love just getting a little high and going for a cruise, putting the windows down, putting the moonroof open and just listening to some tunes

and enjoy the day. The opinions reflected by guests on All Fantasy Everything do not reflect the opinions of All Fantasy Everything or HeadGum Studios. If you choose to get stoned and go driving, sue Mike. No, don't. Not us. I hate

driving stoned. I mean, I don't really drive, but it used to stress me out. I drive very slow to begin. Like, I'm not an aggressive driver to begin with. Like, I go, like, five miles above the speed limit pretty much all the time. So, like, I don't get, like, freaked out when, like, I'm driving just because I don't. It's not, like, a change from my normal approach. There's different levels. Like if you're

baked, baked, baked. Yeah. That's a terrible idea. Yes, absolutely. If you just got like a little bit, I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little bit. We've all done it before. Of course. Yeah. Non-stop. I'm not recommending our listeners do it. No, do it. I mean, not non-stop.

No, do it. Yeah. I definitely think some of. No, do it. Yeah. I definitely think some of our listeners are doing it right now. I think most of our listeners are doing it right now. What percentage do you think are stoned while driving while listening to this? I bet a fair amount. I shouldn't do that. Oh, shit, I'm driving. Yeah.

I bet you they saw it and were like, I bet you they saw it and were like, I got to get baked for the car ride to listen to this. Yeah. Go for a ride. Go have a little weed and go for a nice ride while you listen to the rest of this. Will you put on a real laid back music while you're doing it? What are you listening to?

Santana? Yeah. Joel Santana. No, Supernatural 98. Carlos Santana? Maria, Maria. Usually I might just throw on some K-Day. K-Day is great.

What's that? What channel is that? It's 93.5. Old school hip hop. But also, I might throw on some 94.7 The Wave too. Some light listening. It's a lot of Motown and shit.

Oh, nice. It's good. I'd highly recommend it. Sometimes he'll put in his Maroon 5 CD. Yeah, sometimes he just turns on the Punisher soundtrack. Sunday morning is dope

when you're baked up. Yeah. I like J. Cole too when I'm stoned. I tried to do it. I just now started listening to J. Cole. People keep trying to do J. Cole. Why, when I'm stoned. I've just now started listening to J. Cole. People keep trying to do J. Cole.

Why are people so polarized on him? I don't know. Because his fans are the hip-hop equivalent of Rick and Morty fans. I'm a Rick and Morty fan, too. I like Rick and Morty, too. Even if they're good, they make people who haven't fully adopted it yet less likely to like it because their fans are so fucking... Because they stand for him so hard and so aggressively. Yeah, you just go, this is what you're spending your time doing?

I knew him as a polarizing Twitter topic before I knew him as a rapper. Yeah. That's fucked up. You know? Did you also get a ton of shots in the beginning and then it just kept not working? Yeah. I read an interview. the beginning and then like it just kept not working yeah i mean i read an interview they kept fucking him up and being like put this hit out put this hit single out do this song with

missy and shit like that and that wasn't him and i kind of like that song i love that missy song that's great nobody's perfect that's a great song yeah yeah that sounds great yeah and then he just did it on his own yeah now it's just whatever he wants to put out, and it's good. People just have, I like, I finally listened to it just because somehow I just had never listened to it, to J. Cole before. For sale drives? Just any J. Cole songs, and like this dude, Mike Capes, who's a Portland rapper, shout out to Mike Capes, on Twitter was like, he was like, listen to these songs, and I listened to them, and I was like, oh, these are like actually pretty good.

They have full beats, and like, all that shit. actually pretty good. They have full beats and all that shit. He's good. I also just hate that song about losing his virginity. You got to skip that one. Never listen to that song. I don't understand why he even made it. It's like when people watch Black Mirror Episode 1 and they're like, I don't like this show. It's like, no, watch Episode 3.

Come back and watch Episode 1 after you watch Episode 3. I get that. Yeah. What's with the virginity song? Is he just explicit in it? It's not even, it's just a very, very standard virginity story. It is, yeah. It's like not interesting at all.

It's better than mine. That's why I'm like, fuck this story. Yeah, mine was kind of whack too. You were listening to Jurassic Five. What? Did you do that on purpose? It was just what we were listening to. Jurassic 5. What? Senior high school. Did you do that on purpose? It was just what we were listening to.

I like Jurassic, but I wasn't like, before we had that. He puts his fingers on her lips. I gotta hear Charlie Tuner's voice. The troll starts blasting. You ain't hitting it right. It is not sexy music at all. it right. It is not sexy music at all.

But going for a spin. You ever tried to fuck to Blackalicious? Artificial amateur. How'd you break your hip? I got to pee and I couldn't. As far as I could get. That's very funny. My time for my second pick,

I'm going to take getting completely lost in a video game. Ooh, that's good. Just where you get super baked, turn the lights off, and you're like fully in it. That's the only time, because I'm not a big video gamer. We all know that. Yeah. But that's like my favorite time to do it is when I'm stoned.

It can be. Now, sometimes, like, if it's NBA 2K, there's a point where I get too stoned. And then, like, I can't even do it right. You know, I'm, like, trying to run, like, pick and rolls for Myers Leonard. And it's just, like, it's not working. But there's some games. I'm playing this game right now, Stardew Valley, which I just got the other day. And, like, I got so baked last night and the night before and just, like, fucked around on it for a couple hours.

You farm and you, like, go fishing. Although fishing on that game is the hardest fucking thing in the world. So hard that it almost blows you high. But, like, it just plays, like, Placid music. Is this, like like Oregon Trail? No, it's this top-down, very low-stakes game with kind of like 8-bit graphics. It's like an old Nintendo game. Is it like Farmville?

It looks like Zelda, but you just farm and you build your farm up and you go into the town and you talk to the townspeople. Damn. It is. I can tell it must be good, because even your voice got this calming tone when you started talking about it. It's so calm. And after work has been so hectic this last week,

and then I'll just get home and play that, and then I'm just gone. Oh, yeah. That sounds really nice. That does. It really sounds fun. Yeah. I'm just like, I'm just gone, you know? Oh, yeah. That sounds really nice. That does. It really sounds fun. Yeah. I'm like, jealous.

Yeah. It's so nice. Like, I don't meditate or anything like that. I've heard of people talking about, like, mindfulness, which is good. But I also think mindlessness is very good, especially if you're using your brain all day yeah that's the thing just to like

not have to think about anything just to like to sit there and be like passively entertained I was telling my girl about that

because I was like when I get home sometimes I don't say much and I'm like yeah I just need an hour where I don't think about anything yes

it's like an hour to just not say a word not talk or like anything like that I'll come out I'm not mad yeah exactly I'm not mad at not say a word, not talk, or anything like that. I'll come out. I'm not mad. Yeah, exactly. I'm not mad.

I just need to not talk to anybody for at least an hour. Yeah. Because I get home from work usually around 4, and my girlfriend doesn't get back to 7 or 8. It's like that time where I can just sit there and play video games and not fucking do a damn thing. And not talk to anybody. Yep.

It's great. It's so good. That's why I like dating a comedian, too. She might have a show. I'm like, great. Go do it. Go do all damn thing. Not talk to anybody. Yep. It's great. It's so good. That's why I like dating a comedian too. She might have a show. I'm like, great. Go do it. Go do all the shows. Double dip.

Yeah. You gotta hustle. Yeah, gotta be. You gotta hustle. But yeah, some games you can't do it with. Like a Call of Duty, sometimes I feel like you might get too baked and then also think about like,

I'm killing all these people for what? But certain games are, like, perfect for it. And this is one. And I just love where, like, you'll look up and it's like, ooh, it's three. You know? Oh, yeah. I can go to bed. Yeah.

There'll be times where me and David are playing, like, WWE and David will straight up pass out with the controller. That's happened so many times. Yeah, absolutely. Stoned, slamming people. You got him in the choker. When he does that, do you pick his arm up three times? I should start.

The last one. And I just wake up. David Hawks out. What is some of your favorite? Does anyone have favorite, like, when you're super baked games? I just play sports video games for the most part. Yeah, I do mostly, too. I've been on a big, yeah, the wrestling one and the baseball one.

I've been playing the UFC one. The UFC's fun, yeah. This is maybe not in the same league, but I have this game called Snake vs. Ball on my phone. That sounds great. Oof, man, when I'm stoned. I got a Butterfly Garden simulator on my phone. Nice. I don't understand what you said.

I'll show you off, man. Okay. Marissa, what are your favorite games to play when you need a little... Oh, Breath of the Wild. What is it called? Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild. Oh, Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild.

And Overwatch. And Overwatch. Overwatch on any drug for Marissa. Overwatch. Overwatch. People talk about that a lot. Like, it's amazing, right? All right.

I got to get it. That's a whole other world. Yeah. I've seen it, like, on Twitch and stuff. Yeah. And it stresses me out. Yeah. I haven't played that, but I like Zelda.

I like his boots, and I like his sword. God damn it, Mike. I haven't played that, but I like Zelda. I like his boots and I like his sword. I do, you do. God damn it, Mike. And I like his little green outfit. I just think he's cool. He's talking about Link, guys! I got so upset. There was that person who, you've been doing the Zelda bit.

What bit? All right. All right. Nicely done also. You've been talking about how Zelda's a boy on Twitter for the longest time. Yeah. And then some writer in New York started doing the exact same thing. Yeah, yeah.

And it caught on huge. And it was one of those things where it's like, it's so stupid. Because it's Twitter and it doesn't matter and all that stuff. But I was just like, it's Mike's bit. Yeah. It's Mike's bit. It's Mike's thing. She. She's on it.

These white women out here. Listen, I'm not trying to take down big white women. I do not want those problems. That is a growth stock. That's a growth stock. Yeah. They're running shit.

Trying to get hired by big white women too. I was saying you guys don't hear from me anymore. I don't think she didn't see Mike do it and then take it. No, she probably didn't. But it was one of those things where I'm like, he was there first.

But what can you do? And I was a lot better at it as far as the evasive maneuvering. Because everybody would always be like, that's Link. I was like, I didn't post a Link. This is a picture of Zelda. Just you saying it is so irritating. Like, I bet it was hilarious.

Yours was the Beatnuts, and hers was when J-Lo did a song over that Beatnuts beat. Yeah. All right? One of them's for the real heads. Yeah. It'd be like if somebody else started doing Gun Down in their prime, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that would be like, that is your bit. Right. And they did it for someone in their 40s. yeah that would be like that is your bit

right and they did it for someone in their 40s that's not what the bit is yeah it's not funny then anyway yeah

getting completely lost in a video game Will Miles it's time for your second and third picks oh second and third alright good and now I'll do second

something I love to do I don't get to do it's different out here but what I I lived in New York for all those years and walk I love to do I don't get to do. It's different out here. I lived in New York for all those years and walk. I love getting stoned and going on a walk. Just going on a walk through interesting territory. Yeah, even uninteresting territory. Headphones in.

Yeah. Oh, man. Or like, yeah, headphones in. Sometimes I'll go, me and my girl will wake up on Sunday, get real stoned and go on a Sunday stroll, we call it. That would be nice. And it's just dope. It was through Brooklyn.

Now it's through Silver Lake, so it's a little different. Yeah. Walk around the lake. Oh, the lake itself? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is that not a good walk? We've actually done that, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a good walk. It's nice. And then there's like the coffee shop, La Mill or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can stop at and get like some avocado toast. For like $42.

$42 avocado toast. It is fucking expensive. That I feel like is where the avocado toast jokes like originated. Yeah, hell yeah. It must be. It's so expensive. Yeah. But getting stoned and going on a walk is amazing.

Yeah. I love that. I love it. It's so much fun. It's harder here. You stop in places, right? Yeah, it's so much. It's not. It's not here. You stop in places. Yeah, it's so much. It's not.

It's not walking. You got to go to the right neighborhoods. Yeah. Right, but then that gets back to Mike's thing. You have to drive there. Yeah. Yeah. To drive somewhere to go on a walk.

Like, Bingston and Larchmont is fun, because there's food spots, and there's a sneaker store and a bookstore. Sunset Street. Wait, what sneaker store is that on Larchmont? I'm so new here. I forget where it's at. I like work by there. I can't find shit. I forget. Well, if you're by Larchmont is. I like work by there and can't find shit.

I forget. Well, if you're by Larchmont anyway, you're already by Fairfax, so that's where you'd want to go. Fairfax. Melrose. Melrose. I love walking Melrose Stone, but I usually will take an Uber there. Right.

And then walk. Because you have to. Yeah, you take Melrose down to Fairfax and then you can stop at all. There's literally five sneaker stores. I can't wear this hat. Yeah, I know. But I'll buy it and then be like, this is not me. Come on, what am I doing?

I have one Supreme hat that I feel like I can rock, and it's like a black corduroy with a dragon on it. Every time I walk by one of those Supreme drops, it's just like, oh, so this is where the who's who of who's unfuckable in Los Angeles comes. Damn. Got him. Supreme has taken on sort of a weird

like because the people who like buy it now are so you've got to be the kind of person who's going to wait two days

outside of a store for something to drop and that's inherently not cool I agree when did that become cool how is that cool it's not cool

to sit around waiting for like I hope 2018 is the year the IRS starts going after hypebeasts. Like the reseller market needs to be fucking taken down like a motherfucker. I get them all. Let me sell these shoes real quick. Let me make a couple flips. Yeah, I got to flip some Yeezys real quick.

I'm talking about people that, but like people that do that are fucking dickheads. And that's the same reason that the housing markets inflate the way that they do. And people just... Having a home didn't become just a thing that you do. It became this fucking game. Yeah, true. That's called the greater fool theory.

Yeah. Oh, really? My boss just told me the other day. It's when you buy something for cheaper than you sell it. Yeah, and I can find somebody that's gonna pay more. Yep. You find the greater fool. Yeah, exactly I can find somebody that's going to pay more. Yep. Find the greater fool. Yeah, exactly.

I was in New Orleans when the Yeezy, I am one of those guys. Just to be clear. The Yeezys came out when I was in New Orleans, and I signed up and bought them for retail price. Oh, my God. And immediately resold them. Well, I haven't resold them yet, but they're up on Goat. If anyone on Goat wants to buy my Yeezys. I had to delete Goat from my phone. Yeah, I'm gonna have

to soon. Because I'll get drunk and make some decisions. That's me too. I bought Eric to Durian. We were at a party before his wedding, and he'd always his grails were these, with the public school Jordan 11s, I think. Or 12s. He'd always wanted them,

and they were like a shoe he wanted for his wedding, and we were drunk after a good heroin, and I was like, what's your address? Yes, yes. And he gave it to me, and I fucking bought him. And then you wake up the next day, and you're like, oh. Oh, okay.

Yep. Yep. I just spent more on a pair of shoes. Like, I haven't spent that much on shoes for me. Yeah. But he's a sweet, sweet man, and I'm glad he's got them now. That's a gift where you know he appreciates himself. Yeah, absolutely.

That might be the best gift he's ever gotten. And he deserves it. He brings me so much joy just by his very existence. Also leave an NBA league pass on my Roku. I appreciate that. He did that too? He used to live in our house. I live in his old room.

Oh, damn. Nice. Yeah. He hooked me up with weed before it was just fully legal. Okay, so tomato, tomato. Or did he? No, he didn't. Great schools, weed.

Yeah. It's a give and take. Yeah, public schools. Public school, that's just the name of the store that they collabed with. The school thing. Did I say grade school? Oh, because I was thinking about GS when you're looking at sneakers.

Oh, no, no, no. Public school is... No, I said GS. Oh, okay. In your head? Yeah. I think out. It was out loud. Now I feel stoned.

I know. Now I feel stoned, too. I haven't even smoked weed yet. All right, going for a walk. It is fantastic. It's great. And you can get lost, walk. It is fantastic. It's great. I love it. Yeah. And you can get lost, too.

That's why it's great. It's so good to get lost. I miss that so much. I love getting lost. I do that every time when I'm back in Portland. Yeah, yeah. Portland's great because you get lost and end up at a strip club. Yep.

For the vegan burgers. Or you get found and end up at a strip club. Yeah, yeah. That vegan strip club blows my mind every time. It's amazing. It's incredible. Yeah. I'm like, why am I eating vegan food right now?

That and the Acropolis, too, which has good steak. Like, actual good steak. Portland is just what a world. Portland's crazy. I love it. All right, my next one. I really do. Anyway, strip clubs.

My next big strip club. When I'm high. It wouldn't be a bad choice, actually. I mean, I do weird shit on the internet. So one of them will be probably, or I'll, there's two on here that are pretty crazy. Yeah. I don't know if I want to do it. Go crazy.

Pick them both. Go crazy. All right. One thing I do, I really will sit at home and imitate, like, close friends. Really? Really? That's hilarious. Like to yourself?

Yeah. Like Kevin Barnett or something? Yeah. That's hilarious. I'm going to try that out. That's so funny. It's so fun. I want to do that that out that's so funny it's so fun I wanna do that too right

just do it it's so easy oh man and like there are always imitations where like nobody else will know right

like my friend Adam it's like nobody knows how my Adam but you're just like nailing it yeah just like if anyone knew

these people it's like yo seriously Kevin does Santa but like Adam Steve those are two

of my best friends it's like nobody those Kevin does Santa but like Adam, Steve those are two of my best friends those are just dudes in Chicago but you're killing it that's great that's a great one I don't know if I could do any impressions of anybody oh yeah Shane I could do

oh great I got gravy in my ear again Oh, yeah, Shane, I could do. Oh, great. Oh, great. Oh, great. And then Shane. I got gravy in my ear again. Hey, Bubba. I got to go to urgent care because I got gravy in my ear. Spot on. Can you do the Shane impression? By the way, he really, if Shane's listening, fuck you, man.

Whoa. No, here's what happened Why? I'm gonna explain the story, you made me look like an asshole No, sorry, sorry We were hanging out one night and we were all drunk And you know how when he gets all drunk and he goes I heard that boy Shane can pop

Right? I said it to him the next day And he looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about. I looked like such an asshole. He walked up, and I was like, I heard that boy Shane can pump. And he was like, what? Yeah, no, that's not cool. And everybody was looking at him like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Now you're weird. Because it's a crazy thing to just say. It's a crazy thing to just say to somebody. But he says it. He says it so loud. Oh, my God. Thank you. Yeah, that's two people.

Yeah. In the morning, Shane, and at night, Shane are two very different people. That's amazing. Shane after dark, man. Night, Shane. Do you have any other impressions? Not really. Can you do Zach?

I don't think so. What would a Zach impression even sound like? Well, you know, sometimes I just like to make the people that I hate work for me at a chicken restaurant. Okay, yeah. That was actually

good Zach intonation. Yeah. It was a good cadence, not just the words. The sounding tones? Yeah. I can do Sean Jordan drunk. Yeah.

Watch, watch, watch. It's a blinking-based impression. Is this a blinking arm? Blinking and drinking. Blinking and drinking, dude. Can anyone do an impression of me? No. No.

Welcome to Old Fantasy Everything, the podcast. Mine's more of a volume and vague Judaism. Hey, dude, Mike. Huh? Maybe the kid's going to come out tonight, huh? I didn't do my I don't know maybe the kid's gonna come out tonight huh it sounds a little more Norm Macdonald-y

oh my bad maybe the kid will come out tonight maybe the kid we'll see get some burgerskis and some broskis I don't

first of all I don't sell myself the kid that office. I wish you'd do it more. I love it. When I think of the kid, I don't even think of Ken Griffey Jr. anymore. It's all you, baby. Because it all started when I was like 20 years old and I actually was the kid at my office job. And they kept calling me that.

And eventually I started calling myself that as like a, I know you fucking call me this. Sure, sure. And it just stuck 20 years later. I like it. Yeah, you know. Yeah. The kid. I like that.

The kid. You know. Kid's dope. And then I can't do any of them. I can do like, no, I can't do any of them. I was going to think, can I even do like Nick Nanpay, you know, or something like that. Friend, not from comedy. I don't think I can.

I can't do any of them. They're more fun, I will say. They are more fun. Because they just, they don't even know that they have like that. Friend, not from comedy. I don't think I can. I can't do it. They're more fun, I will say. They are more fun. Because they don't even know that they have catchphrases and shit. I don't say that. You say it all the time. Dank buckness.

Excellent pick. Yeah, that's fantastic. My friend Stevie goes, yo. Real cool, real loud. And then Adam goes, I don't know, dude. It's about finding those little ins. The little phrases you can do

which unlock the entire impression of them. Aerie Spears, I'm coming for your spot. And you're funny. And nice. So it's over for him. Oh, yes. That guy's like the only person it's over for him. Oh, yes. That guy's like the only person who's been a prick.

Well, and then one other person, but we've since patched it up. Who's ever been a prick to me in comedy? Me too. Yeah. Right? Yeah, one of three. Why is he so mean? Because he's insecure about his spot. He does impressions for money. Because the walls are closing in. Yeah.

So mean. Time for my third pick, and I'm going to take something which I think a lot of people might not relate to, but it's one of my favorite things to do, which is to go to the mall when I'm stoned. Oh, my God. When I'm just super stoned, go to the mall, and you feel like, there's something in my brain where I'm like in a bazaar. Yeah. The mall's like very stimulating. It's so stimulating.

And like, it's a lot of the shit I like. I can go, maybe I'll get some sneakers, maybe some clothes. Right. There's snacks. It's kind of the perfect place to be. It's a good place. If you put on, you got to put on sunglasses. So then you're like not worried about being paranoid.

And then you put in like headphones. And then you just fucking glide through this sea of capitalism. And just like, sneakers, pretzels, sunglasses. I know that feeling of like, when you're listening to music when you're in public, and then you just like, everything you do falls into the rhythm

of what you're listening to. Oh yeah. That's like a great feeling. Listening to something funky. Yeah, yeah. Maybe you spin around for nobody. You might point. Hey.

You'll do a little thing. You'll do a real subtle stutter step where you're like, uh-uh. Yeah. And I'm going. You're like, yeah. 100% Just one for me.

Just one for me mixed in this. Just sprinkled in. Hell, yeah. And I just love it. There's so many little things to do and it's perfect for your like short attention span yes you'll go into the lego store you're like oh is your boy gonna build a lego death star is that gonna happen today probably not keep moving you know and you're in a soap you're in a soap store smelling bath bombs and stuff like that. I just love it.

It's just like. That is a good one. That's a good one. You're in Bloomingdale's using like lotion samples. Yeah, she knows you're not going to buy it, but she gives it to you anyways. Just give me a squirt, darling. Because you come in with such a positive energy that she's going to pick up on it. People who work places like me. They do.

And you. They do like us. Yeah. That's because we come in with a campfire and then they can roast their marshmallows on us. You know? Amazing. That's the perfect way to describe it. Right. That's kind of what you give them. Their days aren't, you know. I'm a campfire. Yeah. I will say

I used to think department stores were the devil. Did you? Like when I was stoned. Like I'd love malls and then, but you know how they're bookended by department stores. Oh, those huge monoliths. I can't go to those too. But like anything in between is so beautiful. You like the meat.oliths. Yeah. I can't go to those two. But anything in between is so beautiful. You like the meat.

Yeah. Sometimes you can get too deep into a department store. Yeah, that's the thing. You're just like... And then you can't figure out where the fucking exit is for the life of that.

Yeah, exactly. That can be bad. And what exit you came... Or like entrance you came in. Or like which floor you entered on. So you're like, why are they selling

couches at Sears? Yeah. You know, you're like, plates and shit? Yeah. Although I was in Macy's cookware though, and I really had a good time. They got some good stuff. Macy's are kind of a different vibe. Yeah, Macy's is better. You maybe get a, like a one of those bullets, what are they called?

Yeah, the magic bullet. Yeah, that's dope. By the way, don't get those. You won't use them. Yeah. I know. They'll just sit there. Yeah.

I bought a $300 juicer with stoned. And I've used it more than most people use it. And even then, I've probably used it 50 times total. Really? Juice ain't worth the squeeze, literally. Isn't it a hard? It seems like they make it seem like it's easier to juice than it is. No, it's so easy, it sucks to clean.

That's the wag thing. The juicing is one of the most satisfying things. Dishwasher safe? Not dishwasher, well, you have to hand clean the blades because so much pulp gets stuck in there. But juicing is the most satisfying thing in the world because you just take a cucumber and it's just like, and then it's juice. And you're like, oh, all right. That's pretty cool. like, and then it's juice. And you're like, oh, all right. That's pretty cool. Ginger.

And then it's juice. It's really fun. I'll sign it up when we get back to the crib one of these nights and we'll have some fun with it. Yeah, I'm down to have a juice party. Ice juice sounds awesome. Right? Uh-huh. Ice juice.

Billions. All right, Mike, it's time for your third pick. All righty. With my number three pick, I'm going to kind of go the opposite of what you just picked. I like to get high and shop on Amazon. Oh, that was one of my ones, too. Yeah. Okay.

And a lot of times... That gets me carried away. Yeah. See, a lot of times what'll happen is, like, two days later, I'll come home from work, and there'll be a package on my doorstep, and I'll have forgot what I ordered. Oh, for moi. So I'm like, oh, it's a little surprise for myself. That's the good thing about Prime because you can just get anything.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're just like, fuck it. It doesn't matter. Yeah. It's free shipping. I'm going to get it all. I'm going to get it all.

Keep talking about shopping online. I have to go pee, but we're going to just keep rolling. Yeah. Yeah. What's the weirdest thing that you've bought on Amazon? Thank you, David. Oh, that's a good question. Who do you like the most? What is the weirdest thing that you've bought on Amazon? Thank you, David! Oh, that's a good question. Who do you like as a kid?

What is the... Ah, damn it. I think that sometimes I go on Amazon and I look at crazy phone cases. See, I have... Which is not that cool. Have you ever done Amazon Prime Now? Yeah, oh yeah. What's Prime Now?

It brings it to you in like an hour. Yeah. It's mostly for like food and shit, but also, oh yeah. What's Prime Now? It brings it to you in like an hour. Yeah. It's mostly for like food and shit but also some other stuff. What? I did it with underwear and t-shirts before a trip

because I had to leave from that place and get on the train to go to D.C. or something in New York. It's pretty much only available like here in New York

and San Francisco. It's dope though. I gotta get in on that. You can just get t-shirts to the house? T-shirts and underwear those are the things you don't want to

go to the mall for if that's all you need introduce yourself yeah that one you're messing with that continuity he just sits in his spot

and just starts talking or everyone just thought I had the microphone the whole time but I was too stoned to talk nah pass pass again guys what's up what's up with you Zach we got a little time let's Everyone just thought I had the microphone the whole time, but I was too stoned to talk. Nah, pass. You're really waiting.

Pass again, guys. What's up with you, Zach? We got a little time. Let's... Nothing. I've been on the last three episodes. Nothing. Oh, you got nothing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. They've heard me. Yeah, they know what you're doing. That's tight. Yeah. I will say this Polar bag is very dope. Oh, Ian's got...

They gave him a bunch of stuff. Nice. They gave Ian a bunch of shit. Which is... I'm not... I'm normally Herschel, but I'm down to change they gave him a bunch of stuff. Nice. Polo gave Ian a bunch of shit. I'm not, I'm normally Herschel, but I, I'm down to change. I got a Herschel, I got matching Herschel luggage, and I love it. If anybody out there wants to give me free things, I'd love them. Yeah, me too, yeah.

Oh, you know what I'm gonna do? Somebody told me about this. I'm gonna say my lift code into the podcast. Somebody told me, somebody told me people just have been, like, Miel told me that. Social media people, so if you guys want to use my Lyft code, I'm

going to give it to you. I don't know how to find the code. Okay, no, I don't know where the code is. Alright. How do you find the code? I can't, I can't, I can't. I think it's in your session. Oh, oh, oh, I found it. So my code is David89207. I can't tell. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I found it. So my code is David89207. So, you know.

What does that do? Yeah, what does that do? It probably gives him like 10 bucks of credit. Yeah, yeah. What about a Postmates code? Does that work? Yeah, drop your Postmates. Drop Postmates codes?

Drop your codes, y'all. Yeah. David can also do his Jersey Mike's number. Get his points up. Oh, man. I don't have that at the ready That's just your phone number, you don't want that out there Oh yeah, 415 Dude, so I was at Jersey Mike's the other day

And there was a lady In front of me who ordered like $200 worth of Jersey Mike's And before she This is so cool, she went to grab her drink Before she slid her card and I put your number in for her for her points

you got like 200 points what Zach you are a genius that's awesome what a good friend oh man yo yeah

that's such a good idea I haven't cashed in on points forever either yeah and I just thought about that I was like man you could really just hang out at the store

and just keep punching if cause most people probably don't have it yeah I would let you do that no matter what I ordered yeah Yeah. And I just thought about that. I was like, man, you could really just hang out at the store and just keep punching. Because most people probably don't have it. Yeah. I would let you do that no matter what I ordered at Jersey Mike's. And I'd get it Mike's way. So you'd get extra points. Oh, yeah. You get extra points if you get it Mike's way?

I don't know. Feels like you should. I just said that. My Postmates code, by the way, is Y6V5. We're dropping codes. Y6V5. We're dropping codes. Y6V5. You just drop your Postmates code or your Lyft code. You drop your codes on these podcasts, and then people hear it,

and then they use your code, you get credits. Oh, good idea. Danielle told me about that. She's good at the internet. She is good at the internet. She's got it figured out. That's dope. She's good at the internet. She is good at the internet. She's got it figured out. That's dope. Yeah.

I love free shit. I do too. More than anything. Did someone drop their code? Yeah, we both dropped codes. Yeah, howdy babes. Dropped my Lyft code. 10 Deep used to give me free shit.

That shirt I had on yesterday was 10 Deep. They just gave it to you? They gave it to me. In New York. The office is in Brooklyn. And you just know that? Because we got that Sunday show. A couple of the guys used to come to the Sunday show all the time.

And they were like, you want to come in and get free shit? We were like, what? Yeah. I just got hooked up with a new brand new pair of Fila's. What? That's amazing. Did Rob Hayes give them to you? No.

Or Kenny DeForest? No, no, neither. Do they just rock Fila all the time? They're in a Fila commercial. Are they really? Yeah. Why? What are they doing in it?

Hanging out? That's awesome. No, I was, there's somebody I'm internet friends with, this guy Russ Benson, who wrote for like Complex. He's like a big sneaker writer.

And I was just like, like on his Instagram and these pair of like pink and turquoise Filas. And I was like, oh shit. Yeah, like South, just like summer timers

and just commented on it like wow and then 30 seconds later a comment pops down under it like hey i'll hook it up you want some of these and it wasn't russ it was this other dude who who like runs the store it was a collabo between kinfolk uh the storm i think brooklyn yeah and uh and fila and he was like from one oregonian to another it's this dude who founded kinfolk like it's amazing it's from portland he'd seen one of my shows and saw me comment it was like yeah dude i'll hook it up i'm a fan and i was like fuck that's awesome man i got we got to get on this free yeah seriously that's honestly the only reason to do tv sets yeah so people get you say where you're from in that set, and then people will send you to Chicago

or Colorado shit. What am I thinking? Yeah. I'm so bad at being on TV. Oh, damn it. I get free shit at HeadGum sometimes. There you go. Also, shout out to whoever sent me the Powerline t-shirt.

Oh, big shout out to that. Thank you very much. Oh, man. I had the name, but now it's not on me. I'm going to wear it probably today. You know who you are. Yeah, you know that you did good. Tweet at me.

Mikey. Yeah. Mikey. Yeah. Mikey, what did you like? So shopping online. Shopping online? On Amazon specifically or just in general?

Just online in general. Okay, yeah. But usually it's Amazon for me. I'll go on to some of those fashion. What are they? Best Made? Or what are they? Oh, Needco?

Yeah. And stuff like that. Mateen Stewart just sent me one the other day. And I'll be like, am I going to buy a $480 beanie? Maybe, though. Yeah, maybe. Just because it has acne. Right?

Yeah. I'm like, well, Meek Mill was wearing it. Right. Right. Exactly. And who am I well, Meek Mill was wearing it. Right. Right. Exactly. And who am I if not Meek Mill? They got grailed. You ever get on grailed?

Oh, God. I had to delete that one, too. Yeah. I got grailed and goat on there. I did, too. Those were. And then I had to get out. I had to get out.

I was spending. I was buying. I have like 10 pairs of sneakers I've never worn. Yeah. And I'm not one of those put them on ice guy. I like to wear the sneakers I've never worn. Yeah. And I'm not one of those put them on ice guy. I like to wear the sneakers I buy. Me too. And so I'm like, I have to stop for a while.

I'm trying to be better about making sure everything in the rotation gets its day. That's a great thing to do. It's difficult. Because then they all stay new. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, when you just wear them. If you got a good mix.

I got to get rid of a couple pairs, too. How many do you have? You have a few. But they're ones that have seen better days. Oh, okay. There's a used section. That's why I'm doing all of mine right now. We can donate them.

Some people sell them to refurbishers. Yeah, yeah. Take them to Jason Mark. Or I could just get them refurbished, yeah. Jason Mark will definitely do that. Have you done that? It's like 10 bucks a pair Oh shit really?

At Jason Mark? I think so I thought it was like I thought it was like 60 bucks If it's 60 bucks Would they look like new again? It's still cheaper than Getting another pair of the same shit

You just changed my life, I think. I've bought the Jason Marks shit, and I've done it, and it just doesn't look new. Not even close. It takes, like, specific directions. I'm not saying anything about your direction following. Oh, no. Because I did it once, and it didn't work, and then I, like, read the directions really closely. Yeah, with, like, the water, and you pour a little bit in, and you rub the brush. Yeah, and I I read the directions really closely. Yeah, with the water and you pour a little bit in and you rub

the brush. Yeah. I did it right. I'm stupid, though. I did it twice without reading those directions fully. Oh, you just dumped it on at first? Yeah, and then the third time I was like, oh, you should read these fractions. Why can't you just put this on here and put it in water and then do it?

Cleaning your shoes, not something to do when you're baked. No. But David, we are going to find out what your third and fourth choices are right now. Third choice. I got one on my block. I do it all the time. Going to the movies alone. Yeah. I love getting high.

I just like, I love like, and I'll time it out to like, okay, the movie's at 1240. It's like a six minute walk from my house. I'll just rip bongs. Till like seven minutes and then I'll get point of no return yeah just get like dumb high

yeah cause then I get so high that I don't even notice how high I am till the credits or till the till the previews start yeah you know what I mean

like I just float in there usually I hit the liquor store get myself a drink yeah booze or otherwise. Yeah. Put it in my pocket. Pineapple soda.

Yeah. What are the teens going to do? What are the teens going to do to me? Exactly. It's 3 p.m. I'm stoned. I'm a grown man. They're going to regard you as a hero.

Yeah. Let me watch this fucking movie. You know what I mean? But yeah. Oh, God. I love watching movies super baked by myself. I saw Coco super baked by myself. Oh, that sounds good.

One of the best times I ever had. I saw Neighbors 2 by myself stoned. See? I loved it. Oh, the one with the One of the best times I ever had. I saw Neighbors 2 by myself stoned. See? I loved it. Oh, the one with the women. Yeah, with Chloe. That wasn't a good way to describe it. No, I mean, yeah.

Girl Neighbors. You mean the sorority that moves in that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that movie was great. Garden State also I saw stoned. Oh, that's a good one. Good soundtrack. You know what I saw stoned?

That was pretty good, actually. Boo 2 on Madea Halloween. All right. Everybody laughs at me, but get stoned, guys. Watch Boo 2. Okay. All right. It's actually pretty fun.

I remember we went to go see, we were back in Portland. This guy, Ganja John, got us a bunch of edibles, and we went to go see some horror movie. I know, which I don't like horror movies anyway. This was one of those gore porn ones where someone was getting their skin peeled off. And I'm sitting there so stoned. And I'm like, no, no. And I just got up and went to another movie. I think Olympus has fallen.

And I was like, yes. Well, that's the good thing about getting high and going by yourself is you have no obligation if you have to fucking bail. Oh, yeah, and nobody judges you. I was in Chicago on the road once for four days, and

I was just by myself in the daytime, so I just walked to this theater and see the girliest movies all stoned. I saw Moonrise Kingdom. That's good. What else? I saw a girliest movies all stoned. Oh, yeah. Saw Moonrise Kingdom. That's good. What else? I saw a couple other real girly movies. It was great.

Moonrise Kingdom, a girly movie? No, no, no. Is it? Yeah, I was like, that's just an indie, right? I think it's just an indie play. I also saw, what's that rom-com? It's kind of a rom-com. It's got Seth Rogen in it.

And then him and the girl end up breaking up. Zack and Mary? No. No, not Zack and Mary. They break up at the end, wait. Knocked up? No.

Was Michelle Williams in it? Maybe. It was like a really sweet, I don't know. Oh, Sarah Polly. Canadian movie, yeah. Directed it? Yeah, what's it called? Michelle Williams

Take Me Home Tonight? Take something like that. Take This Waltz! That's it. Marissa! Young Toronto God from all the way from, uh, what's the name of your stadium? Wembley. Where the Blue Jays play.

Young Toronto God from anywhere. Roger Stadium. Roger Stadium. Thank you, Mike. Take This Waltz was good. I liked that movie. Young Toronto God from anywhere. Roger Stadium. Roger Stadium. Thank you, Mike. Take This Waltz was good. I liked that movie. That one worked too. Jurassic Park. The Raptors.

Sarah Silverman also, very good actress. Yeah. Sarah Silverman killed it. She was good in that movie. Yeah, she killed it. She's good. She's so, but the point is that I got really stoned and I watched that by myself and it was a great day.

I just love going to the movies by myself real hard. I love it too. I will say I will get out of the movie and there's movies that I've seen but I haven't seen. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a lot of them. Oh, yeah.

I'm like, I swear I'm not lying to you. I've seen... Life of Pets. Yeah, yeah. But I just can't tell you one single thing that happened in it. Yeah. I saw that stone on a plane. Really?

Secret Life of Pets. Oh, man. It's funny because there's people you know in there. You're like, what? That's so weird. You're a dog. Shout out to people you know being on TV. That's not a dog.

That's Hannibal. That is so fun. Especially when you're baked bake that's really fun oh yeah cause you're like holy shit yeah where like

Kamale shows up and Mike and Dave need wedding dates and you're like whoa didn't expect to see Kamale on this flight cause that's where

you're watching that movie yeah I also enjoyed that on the flight yeah on the plane flight movies are really that's an untapped genre they're so good on flights Baywatch was really good flight. Yeah, on the plane. Flight movies are really, that's an untapped genre. They're so good on flights.

Baywatch was really good. I watched Baywatch on the plane. Yeah. I watched it to and from New York. I watched Kong Skull Island on a plane. Oh, yeah. Because it's so long. That's why I wanted to see that.

It's perfect. I'm like, now we're over to London. It's Jordanville Roberts, right? Huh? Jordanville Roberts? Jordanville Roberts. That's crazy. Yeah.

It's good. Yeah. I kind of wish I'd waited for a good TV, but it was still fucking clutch on the plane. Yeah. I saw Kong Skull Island at the drive-in. Did you? Oh, there's a drive-in? I saw it at the drive-in on Kong Skull Island.

But they didn't go to Portland. So, going to the movies alone, excellent pick. And your fourth pick? All right. So going to the movies alone, excellent pick And your fourth pick Alright, you guys are probably going to give me Some flack Because this is a very basic pick

That is the podcast And this is real When I'm super, super baked Yes I really enjoy drinking soda No, that's not weird at all What are you talking about? When I'm like

Whoa It's just something about I don't drink it regularly or whatever, but if I'm too big to move, just something about, it's like, you taste how complex it is. Yes. Like Coca-Cola and stuff. There was that week where you were like, I'm going to this custom soda shop. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, don't get me started on the Custom Soda Shop.

That shit, I was in there playing jazz. That shit was, I was going crazy. You were in deep. Kiwi Mango Sodas. What? Where is this? So there's, it's in, it's in. Third star to the right, straight on till morning.

No, it's in Highland Park, and there's this whole station, right? It's just got all these different syrups, and then it's got the fizzy water, and you make your own soda and bottle it. What? That sounds incredible. Here's the problem, is that it's too much when you're there. It's too much. You're standing there, and you just don't know what to do,

because they got crazy shit. You can make chocolate mint soda. Too many options when you're stoned is a bad thing. That's a problem. Yeah. That's why when I'm too stoned. I'm just talking about, though, just go up to 7-Eleven, get me like a Big Gulp. Yeah.

And just like something about soda when you're really high is like you just can't. You taste it way better. I think about soda when you're really high. You taste it way better. Sometimes you will bake yourself into a mindset where you appreciate very elemental, living frame things. Whereas you will drink a soda and if you're not stoned, you'll be like, all right,

I've done that a million times before. Sometimes you're so baked and you're like, feel those bubbles. Yeah. Exactly! Yeah. Exactly! Taste that syrup, the complexities of it who and yeah oh

yeah the swirl I've never really noticed the plum undertones in a in a dr. pepper before but it really isn't there you guys man if you're baked dr. pepper is yes dr. pepper is a complicated drink like a fucking Rubik's Cube A complicated drink, man. It's like a fucking Rubik's Cube for your tongue. It really is. Dr. Pepper blows my fucking arm in that. Mr. Pibb's good, too. Mr. Pibb is good.

Is it the same thing, though? They are, kind of. Kind of. Dr. Pepper's got a more complex taste. Mr. Pibb's urban. Yeah, it is, yeah. You didn't get the degree. Yeah, he's not here.

I'm not a doctor, I'm Mr. Pibb. It's me, baby. The best way I can describe. You got to put on airs. Yeah. You know me as Mr. Pimp. We went to school together. Let me in.

Let me in. I don't know why that's why Mr. Pimp. Yeah, why is he talking? That's how Mr. Pim talks to me, though. Come on, baby. Because with Dr. Pepper, it's like, Mr. Pepper. It's Dr. Pepper. I didn't go to med school for you to call me Mr. Pepper.

Oh, all right. Jesus, all right. And Mr. Pim's over here like, you can just call me Pim. Yeah. Uncle P, baby. Yeah. Uncle P, baby. Oh, man.

What do you think Mr. Pibb's first name is? J. J? Just J. Just J, the letter. Like J-A-Y. I feel like Ron Pibb for some reason. Oh, Ron Pibb?

Ron Pibb? Ron Pibb. Ron Pibb. Ron Pibb. What's that movie, by the way, for years? You know that movie where they say, I think it's James Earl Jones says, they call me Mr. Tibbs. They call me Mr. Tibbs. I thought that was Mr. Pibb. Because I had only seen it in The Lion King. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought that was Mr. Pibb for so long. No, it's The Heat of the Night. Okay. And then its sequel, They Call Me Mr. Tips. Okay, I'll check it out. Yeah. They call me Mr. Pibb. Moonlight crowd.

They call me Mr. Pibb. They call me Mr. Pibb. Oh, that was silly. Yeah, so drinking soda. Drinking soda, yeah, absolutely. Just getting real big drinking soda. Making the pasta. Michael St. Malloy.

So my fourth pick, I'm going to go with eating sweets. Ah, the sweets. Oh, yeah. Especially when I'm high, I like a cake. Oh, my God. A cheesecake. A what cake? Cheesecake when I'm high.

When are you getting yourself into a cheesecake when you're high? You know, I believe you are. Please don't for a second think you're lying. But when I get stoned, I will try to eat a cheesecake so fast that my heart will stop. Yeah. You know that, especially with cheesecake. If you go at it too fast, it just sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's too thick. It's too thick to go at fast. Traffic jam. Yeah. What kind of cheesecake? Are you fucking with flavored cheesecake? Or are you just like a plain New York? I like a, you know, with some strawberries.

Yeah, strawberries. In a New York cheesecake. I like that. I don't go too crazy. Like, if I go to a place and they're like, we got this kind of cheesecake, I'll hear them out. How do you feel about it? How do you feel about a key lime pie?

Not for me. Get out of my fucking studio! I mean, not for me. But like, if they're like, oh, we got a little bit of glaze of peanut butter and chocolate on this cheesecake, I'll be like, yeah, give me that fucking cheesecake, of course. Also, this isn't my studio, this is Marissa's studio.

But Marissa wants you to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You know what's fun? Do you to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You know what's fun is, do you ever get cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory? I've only been to the Cheesecake Factory once, and I never even got to the food. It's so good. Is it like the best thing on the menu thing? It's probably the best thing on the menu. Their cheesecake is really good, and you never get it because their regular menu is such a fucking minefield.

Yeah. You're like, I'll get this appetizer, and then this entree, and then they bring you 8,000 calories of food. And by the time it's time for cheesecake, you're too full. You're done. But go just for the cheesecake. I've only been to the Cheesecake Factory once, and it was the worst experience I've ever had in my life. I've never even had the food there. Really? Because me and Liz waited for two hours for our food to come.

Did you go to the Cheesecake Factory at the Grove? No, this is in, like, San Diego. Oh, damn. Yeah, everything's thick down there. And I was just like, can I just go home? I was like, I don't even want a refund for my money that I've spent so far. I just want to leave. Can you just give me a bill so I can leave?

They made you unhungry. That's the worst. Yeah, I was like, I've been sitting here so long that I... And, like, I wanted to, I think I ordered something delicious. I wanted to give it a shot. Damn, that sucks. And I never got to find out.

Well, I've had several good Cheesecake Factory experiences. I'd say you give it another shot. Maybe. I don't know. I think if you like cheesecake. I'll be back that way in a couple weeks. They got a whole factory. They got a whole factory down there.

They have ones in LA. There's one in the Americana. Well, I mean, I know, but I'm saying I'll be right back. We can not say give the San Diego one another shot. No. We can go to Cheesecake Factory today. We could be there in 15 minutes. That could happen.

That's crazy. Eating cheesecake. I could, yeah. I could pick up some cheesecake. A few times. We went on prom night. Hell yeah. So I have like a weird memory of it though, because I took a girl who I found out later was a lesbian.

And then her sister took a guy brought her sister. But the guy turned out to be gay. And the whole time we were just like, we really fucked this up. You should have been out with your sister. Yeah, right. I don't know. The woman I went to prom with is now queer. Yeah.

Yeah. The woman I went to prom with is not even queer. She's just gay. Oh, OK. Like she She's never been into men Lifestyle Never It was never? I was never an option

Gotta love prom Eating sweets Sue Carmel makes an amazing cheesecake I would love to have it how do you make cheesecake I don't know man she does it though yeah

it doesn't seem like it's cheese is it cream cheese oh I didn't even think about that like yeah I think most of it is in like

the Philadelphia Philadelphia cream cheese man how come they don't pump that as hard as they used to remember there was a real cream cheese push oh big cream cheese move I feel like they've don't pump that as hard as they used to? Remember, there was a real cream cheese push.

Oh, big cream cheese move. I feel like they've got it on lock, though. Is that what happened? They're taking the cream cheese game from them. That's true. I don't know any other brands of cream cheese. You don't get that Neufchotel cheese, and you're like, what is this? No, I've only ever fucked with Philadelphia.

They know what they're doing. All right. What's your favorite sweet to eat while you're stoned? What's my favorite what? Sweet to eat. Ooh, fucking. Man, you know what's good when I'm super stoned? Huh?

Some ice cream. Oh, yeah. Like, just like good ice cream. Ooh, yeah. Like salted caramel or something. Oh, yeah. Some pretzels in there? Yeah.

Oof. You fuck with Van Leeuwen? No. What is that? Oh, it's a high-quality ice cream. It's a high-quality ice cream. It's a high-quality ice cream. Really? It's very to ucb it's next to your show yeah it's great really it's very good yeah are they bringing out in a metal attache case yeah yeah that's what i

want yeah it lights up it's weird you're taking your pinky and you're like yeah it's pure i want briefcase i want briefcase sweets yeah the one next to ucb franklin also hooks it up every now and then do they because they the people there go to UCB shows. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. I was right by there today. I went to Bird's for brunch. Yeah. I remember it's like $8 a scoop there, right?

It's pretty expensive, but they check out UCB shows. Here's the thing about me. It's like, if it's $8 a scoop, it's probably worth it. Right? Like, you only live once. That's what ice cream probably should cost. You know? It's cost prohibitive.

It's like, and I'm not gonna do this every day. Yeah. We should be able to just get a tub of ice cream. Yeah. Yep.

That's what's fucking us up. Ice cream available in tubs. It's true. We gotta peel back. Yeah. Go high quality for everything. I like that. I like that a lot.

That's what Virgil Abloh said. Yeah. We all listen to Virgil Abloh, right? Absolutely. I like that. I like that a lot. That's what Virgil Abloh said. Yeah. We all listen to Virgil Abloh, right? Absolutely, all the time. I'm just going to get a white tub with ice cream written on it with quotes around it. It costs $900. He's got great stuff.

If he wants to send free shit, please do. Yeah, he listens to the podcast. Send it over, Virgil. Alright, it's time for my fourth pick. And with my fourth pick, I'm going to take... Ooh, a lot of stuff has been taken already that I wanted to take. Okay, I'm going to take cooking up something dope. Nice.

I like getting really baked and then going into the kitchen and spending a little time on some food. Yeah. Making a little recipe, you know, whatever it is. It's a little nice. So many times I will, like, order food in. Right. You know, and just get, like, locked to the couch, which is really easy to do because it's got a lot of momentum behind it.

But if you make yourself get up, maybe you've got some good ingredients from, like, Whole Foods. You've got, like, a good cheese, you know. Yeah. You, like, make a pasta, make your own pasta sauce. Get that going. Shave some cheese over it. It's just fun to have a project. To be really baked and have a set.

A project, yeah. With directions, like recipe. Especially since I got the Instapot. Especially on a Saturday or a Sunday if I get the right amount of stoned. And there's a walking... A grocery a Saturday or a Sunday, if I get the right amount of stoned and there's a walk, there's a walking, uh, a, uh, grocery store within

walking distance of me now, so there's a lot of times where I'm just like, yeah, I'll just walk and make some chili today. That's what I'm doing. That's right. Putting some time in on something. Yeah. Chili is good. And it's so good when it's done. Taste it the whole time. That feeling, especially if you make like a meal or like chili, and just like that feeling when you're just looking at it

and you're just like, yeah. Yeah, and you're like, fuck, yeah. I'm so glad I didn't get Hot Pockets. Yeah. It would have been so easy. And it's like, depending on when you do it, you got it for the rest of your night. Exactly. I'm just going to pull on this pasta for the next four hours. Right.

I'm going to go in there. I got some gnocchi. Oh, my God. I love chili. Is there a need for chili out here? Yeah. Yeah? It gets chili.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's when it's in the 50s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the interest of time, I'm going to keep us moving. But yeah, cooking up something fancy. I like going in there. I like putting on cooking music.

You know, maybe pour yourself a glass of wine, too, and just really lean into it. Yeah. Listen to, like, fucking some Italian music. Anyway. Will, it's time for your fourth and then your final picks. All right. Fourth pick is... Oh, it's time for your fourth and then your final picks. All right. Fourth pick is... Oh, wait.

Third and then fourth picks? Wait. No, I did third. Wait, what? So it's got to be fourth. Wait, fourth. Imitate close for four and five. Yeah.

My bad. My bad. Four and five. Four and five. Yeah. Four would be put different hairstyles on my face. Yeah. Through Photoshop.

Sometimes I want to know what I look like with dreads or shit like that. Man, you are doing cool shit over here. That's another thing I never even thought about. That's advanced shit. What? That would be so much fun. Right? Exactly.

Shit. Wow. It's so self-explanatory, but now I'm just the possibility. You just go and you get anybody's hair. Yeah. I've never even thought to do that. That's awesome. Then you see what haircuts might work on you, and you're like, oh, maybe I'll do that.

I don't know. Yeah. This is Chris Rock, by the way. Oh. That's a Chris Rock? Maybe I should have that LiAngelo Ball haircut. Yeah, you never know, right? Yeah.

Oh, that's such a good idea. I've never done that before. I never even thought about it. Why would you just... Duh! It's been right in my face the whole... Sorry. Yeah.

What did you determine with the dreads, no? No, I can't do dreads. Not a dreads guy. Yeah. I mean, I would never do it anyway, but I just feel like in the summer, like having that big hair hat you can't do dreads yeah not a dreads guy yeah i mean i would never do it anyway but i just feel like in the summer like having that big hair that you can't take off it would feel like such a burden too much hair anytime seems like not cool to me i run hot yeah i do too i had long hair for a little bit but how long what are you talking i mean it was like uh i had a fro for a little bit

then i made like a high top fade a little bit. But it was always this like curly shit, so it didn't look like a regular high top fade, so it was always kind of weird. I feel like it would take a lot of time, too. Yeah. See, the thing about growing my hair out that I hated was the in-between part. Yeah. Like the part where it was just like not long enough to be long, but not short enough to be comfortable. And I'd always get frustrated and cut it at that point.

Oh, yeah. When you were trying to go for that long sort of Shane Torres look. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just the sleek. That Post Malone? That Post Malone. Whoa.

I would love to see Shane with that. Shane is PostOats Malone Post Malone I saw some meme that was pre-Malone and post-Malone Mikey's favorite musician post-Malone Putting different hair styles on your face

Excellent pick And your final pick? Final pick. You know what? Drawing. I really like drawing. Oh, hell yeah. That is a good one.

Drawing slash doodling. Yeah. And just going crazy. Yeah, going apeshit. Yeah, man. That's the thing about being stoned is you just, you go to places you wouldn't usually go. Yeah. It's nice to just let your mind wander. It's good to, it's like, we talked about mindlessness earlier, but like, it is good to engage yourself too a little bit when you're like that.

Yeah. Some people like to write. I hope nobody's going to pick that, but I can't write stone. But like, yeah, just like drawing. I remember one time I was stoned and I had taken mushrooms and I was drawing. And like the mushrooms kicked in right as I was drawing with a crayon. And then I like really like hyper focused on – I saw the wax flaking off of the crayon. Oh, that's great.

That's cool as shit. I'm like, oh, I'm on mushrooms now. Now it's official. Oh, man. Shit, I love mushrooms. Yeah. We could get some coloring books. Oh man, shit, I love mushrooms. Yeah, if you could get some coloring books. You know, like all that corny

shit that like, on 420, the thing that bugged me, it's like everyone was on Twitter when they all get off their same jokes, they're like, smoking weed isn't a replacement for having a personality and like all that shit. I'm like, fuck you, man. Also, for some people it is. For some people it is.

I know some people who when they're not stoned you don't you wouldn't interact with them yeah at all and like doing shit

when you're stoned is like fun it's okay to talk about we don't have to be so negative about that so the whole reason we do it is because it's fun

it's fun I hate people pretending like it's not fun to not smoke weed yeah it is fun you can have fun when you're not smoking weed

I understand but don't like yeah I smoke weed a lot because it. You can have fun when you're not smoking weed. I understand. But don't like, yeah, I smoke weed a lot because it's like a fun thing to do. It's such a compliment to me when people are like, I can't tell when you're not stoned or stoned. I'm like, yeah, good. I'm the same person. I just like weed.

I'm a stoner naturally. I had to unfollow someone on Twitter who was like, yeah, 420 for some people is a fun holiday, but other people, and they had this link to marijuana-induced psychosis. I'm one of the people who suffers, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're one of those suck it nerds. Just shut up about it. They don't fucking smoke weed, you dork.

I don't give a fuck. I'm not on pizza forums talking about how if I eat too much pizza, I get fat. So you shouldn't. Look at me! Look at my body! I can't watch a football game without sitting through three Papa John's commercials. You enjoying March 14th is very gross.

Go fuck off. Just fuck off with your little fucking... Come on, let people have fun. It's a fun little thing. They're buzz kills. They're buzz kills. You know, if people want to just

get fucking baked and talk about it on 420, let them do it. You don't have to fucking inject your, pardon me, into everything.

Excuse me. No, I'm actually. There's such thing as too into weed though, I've noticed. Oh yeah. You can be too into anything. If one thing

is your entire fucking identity then you're probably a fucking dork. The people who work at any shops related to the thing like Sex is Awesome, people who work at sex shops fucking freak me out. Man, that is a really great point. That is. It is always weird.

It's always weird in there. So weird. I can't get to that level of appreciation of weed that people who work at dispensaries are at. Yeah, same here. Where I'm like, you know, they're like really breaking down. When they talk about, start talking about the flavor of the weed. Yeah. And I'm like. Or like terpins. Yeah, and I'm like,

I'm sure that you believe this is real. You can like leave me out of the convo. God bless you and I'm happy you're happy, but like I don't need to be this deep in the game. I don't need the science of it. I'm going to light it on fire and I'm going to smoke it. Yeah, exactly. I'm into anything weed related or sex related, but yeah.

Yeah. Probably. I mean, I don't know. If you bring it up, I'll probably be into it. Same thing with like alcohol. When people start like overanalyzing that and it's like, oh, it's got hops. I'm like, fucking does it taste good? It's got hops. I'm like, fucking, does it taste good? That's what I give a shit about.

It's got hops, you crazy thing. I have got to give a shit. Oh, it's got hops. It's beer. That's all I need. Is it beer? Shut up, nerd. I'm trying to get drunk.

You know who else has hops is fucking Malcolm Brogdon. Go Bucs. Yeah, also Donovan. Fuck you. That guy Donovan, the rookie. Oh, my God. I hate the Utah Jazz. Because they're so good Yeah. Also Donovan. Fuck you. That guy Donovan, the rookie. Oh my God. I hate the Utah Jazz. Because they're so good, right?

No, no, no. Just growing up as a Trailblazer fan, every time we would play Stockton Malone, I'd be like, fuck you guys. Yeah. I just hated them. And I've always hated them. And then this year, Donovan Mitchell. I've just had to, like, I'm like.

He's great. I can't hate anymore, man. Like, he's so fun to watch. He seems like a fun dude. Just making Russell Westbrook piss. I'm like, I can't hate anymore, man. He's so fun to watch. He seems like a fun dude. Just making Russell Westbrook piss. I know, and I love, I'm wearing a Russell Westbrook sweatshirt right now. I love Russell Westbrook. Me too.

He's my favorite non-Blazer, but Donovan Mitchell, he's like a little Russell Westbrook. Yeah, he is. All right, excellent picks. Time for my final pick. And with my final pick, I'm going to take... It's hard to close. It's hard to close. Alright, I'm going to take I don't know exactly how to phrase this, but it's

almost like going back to kind of what we were talking about. I'm going to call it listening to reggae. If you include sublime in reggae, I'm going to reggae. If you include Sublime in reggae, I'm going to be upset. Have we not talked about Sublime before? I think we have. You know I'm a huge Sublime fan. I fucking love Sublime. You don't like

Sublime? What's not to like? No, I'm just saying it's not reggae. This crazy fool. He's singing about you, Mike. They were playing Sublime at the weed shop the other day. Perfect. Tying it all together, by the way. Perfect.

And they were really into Sublime. Yeah. I'm really into Sublime. I was into Sublime way before I got into weed. But I think what I mean by that is letting yourself do those stonery things that you'd be a little self-conscious about. Just sitting at home and putting on a Bob Marley record and just being like, yup, everything you fucking thought. Everything you fucking thought is going on in here.

I might eat frosting out of a can later. I'm going to laugh like Seth Rogen and I'm listening to fucking stir it up. Because it is so good. Yeah. It is so good. It's a shame that Bob Marley got taken down by all these stoners. By the two into weed guys.

Yeah, because that's music that every... I thought you meant for the beating his wife constantly stuff. Yikes. Mike, I didn't know about that until now. When you said he was taken down, I thought that's what you meant.

Because post-humorously, that stuff has all, when you said he was taken down, I thought that's what you meant, like, because, like, post-humorously, that stuff has all kind of come out that it was kind of a piece of shit. Post-humorously, right. I got nothing to contribute. Yeah, I know. Oh, man. Go on. Posthumous posthumous news of his wife being me finding out right now but uh i didn't know that fucking guys come on i'm sorry everybody's yeah everybody's problematic um

i know i wish no news ever came out yeah no because now anytime somebody's name starts trending, I'm just like, I hope he's dead. I know. Yeah. I hope it's that. You know the Ren and Stimpy creator is like a fucked up dude, I guess. Yeah. I saw it. I read that whole thing.

That's not that crazy to me. I mean, the cartoon is insane. Yeah. Yeah. Even as a kid, that show was always darker than I could. I loved it. I couldn't do it as a kid. It was very dirty.

Like, the booger stuff was always like, all right, no booger stuff. But the rest of it made me laugh. I remember one time they, like, zoomed in. I've talked to the Animaniacs more. Yeah, me too. They zoomed in on Stimpy's ass. Yeah. And there was just, like, a band-aid.

Yeah. It just, like, grossed me out. Yeah. But anyways, next pick. I'm sorry. Mike, time for your final pick. That's me. So when I'm very high, one of my favorite things to

do is I'll take my dog, I'll stare into his eyes. Shout out to Quavo. Shout out to Quavo. I'll just stare into his eyes and wait for him to talk, and he never does. It was not what I thought it was going to be. No, I'll just look at him and be like, you have something to say, don't you? And I'll just stare

at him for what feels like hours, probably minutes or even seconds, but he just doesn't do it. I mean, if you keep working on it. I think one of these days he's going to. Yeah. But at least I'll figure out. Oh, shit. Yeah.

What if he goes like Kanye? What if he goes completely alt-right? What if he's like, steer it up, little darling? Yeah. Steer it up. He is an immigrant. Quavo is an immigrant, though. He's originally from steer it up, little darling? Yeah. Steer it up. He is an immigrant. Quavo is an immigrant, though. He's originally from Tijuana.

Is he really? Yeah. Tijuana. Tijuana. I want that quote to be pulled out and people only hear that Quavo is from Tijuana. Tijuana. Oh, man. Makes the stir fry thing even more confusing.

Yeah. It's very confusing. Such appropriation excellent win for your dog to talk David your final pick alright this one is real weird but I do it sometimes I like to get stoned and I like to watch pimple popping videos

oh no I know people like that people like it there's like a weird catharsis to it there's a whole community. You're not alone. You're just alone in this room. You can go.

I feel it. You can just go real deep. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to explain it. Because that's a gateway. Then you start looking at like cysts being popped or like. No, because those usually.

Or like. I don't. This is hard to explain. I don't like it when it's that juicy. Ingrown hairs. I just like it, like the pimples. I don't like, like the cysts are like too juicy. It's the satisfaction of pain being relieved.

It's something. Or like just seeing that pressure like build up and pop. I'm not judging you. I hope you don't feel judged. I don't. I celebrate you and your proclivities. It's where I'm at. It's where I'm not judging you. I hope you don't feel judged. I don't. I celebrate you and your proclivities. It's where I'm at. It's where I'm at in my life.

Sometimes, yeah. It's just, there's something about it, man. Yeah. And like, you get excited before, like, when the video starts, you're like, oh, man. No, there's a ton of people listening right now nodding along. Like, yep, yep. I love it. Oh, yeah.

When you're looking at the thumbnails and then you see like a cheek and you're like, oh, this is great. This is that shit. Gnarly. It's huge. And they start like, and it's so much, it's like, it's like a patience thing. Cause like they don't pop like we pop pimples. It's like they like work it.

So then you're like, oh God. Oh God. Look at the white forming at the top. Oh my God. This is ready to blow. I don't know, man. Damn. Yeah.

It's weird, but I love it. All right. Yeah. I'll fuck with it. Yeah. I mean, I don't fuck with it, but I fuck with blow. I don't know, man. Damn. Yeah, it's weird, but I love it. All right, yeah. I'll fuck with it. I mean, I don't fuck with it, but I fuck with you. And I fuck with everything you fuck with. Yeah. Boom. Even though it's fucking gross.

Yeah. Disgusting. So that was the final pick of the things to do when you're bagged. All fantasy, everything. Will Miles, you went first and you took listening to people's problematic favorite musicians, going for a walk, imitating close friends, putting different hairstyles on your face on Photoshop

and then drawing. I went second and I took passing the YouTube controller, getting completely lost in a video game, going to the mall, cooking up something fancy and then listening to reggae. Mikey, you took chilling and grilling, going for a drive, which, you know, we reggae. Mikey, you took chilling and grilling, going for a drive, which, you know, we've addressed.

Shopping online, eating sweets, and then waiting for your dog to talk. And David, you took bathing, masturbating, going to the movies alone, drinking soda, and watching pimple popping videos. Jesus!

What are you saying? Just take these five things along and just imagine the person who's... When you said it, you made it sound like it was one day.

It is one day. I haven't done anything. How many times have you done it in one day? How many times have you... Okay, okay, okay. I'm just reading the court transcripts.

Put this on me. Okay, okay. I'm just reading the court transcripts. Put this on me. Just reading back everything that was here in court. What did we leave off? I think we almost got everything. We kind of got everything you can do that's fun when you're stoned. I had cleaning. Sometimes I like to clean a little bit. Oh, not for me, baby.

Cleaning is fun when you're stoned, though. Yeah, well, it depends on if the mood hits me or not. But that needs a playlist, too. You need a good playlist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A good weed. Swimming. Oh, God.

Oh, shit. Oh, swimming is awesome. You know what I had that just, it doesn't make that much sense, but I just love, like, smelling things. Yeah. Like when you're going on a walk and you're stoned. I don't know. I pay more attention to smells. Well, you've seen the Disney movie of candles

I keep in the domicile. Oh, you got candles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got candles. The Fortress of the Solid Dudes. Was that you? Who came up with that? You came up with it?

Oh, Zachy. He came up with Fortress of the Solid Dudes. Oh, that's great. Isn't that awesome? Yeah, I like that. I didn't want to get too far into it because you took Jay in it, but having sex when you're stoned is pretty great, too. That is pretty great. Isn't that awesome? Yeah, I like that. I didn't want to get too far into it because you took Jay in it, but having sex when you're stoned is pretty great.

That is pretty great. Kissing. There's a, I mean, the melding of two worlds. There's that sex oil or sex lube. Faraya. It's like weed lube. Oh, I don't know about that. I've heard of that.

It's pretty dope. Is it pretty cool? It's pretty dope, yeah. What's it called? Faraya. Faraya. Faraya. Me a Faraya. Faraya. Faraya. Mia Faraya. Faraya. Now, does it

make your penis high? Yeah, a little bit. It really makes... If you're having sex with a vagina, it really makes the vagina high, I hear. Okay. But your penis might not be subtle. Your penis gets high, too. Yeah, your penis definitely gets high. Alright.

You got a high-ass dick. My dick's high too, yeah. Your penis definitely gets high. All right. Yeah. You got a high-ass dick. My dick's high as hell. My dick can't drive. The hole at the end is just all squinting. We did it. There it is. All right. Well, that was our list.

Make sure you tune in or send in your list on Twitter, on Instagram, however you want to get a hold of us. Shout out to everyone on Twitter. Shout out to everyone on Instagram. Does anybody have any shout outs? Anybody? Oh, damn. Not currently.

No, I don't think. Shout out people who work at sex shops and weed shops. I didn't mean to offend you. Yes. Oh, yeah. Shout out to anybody who wants to send me some free stuff. Yeah. Oh, I don't think. Shout out people who work at sex shops and weed shops. I didn't mean to offend you. Yes. Oh, yeah. Shout out anybody who wants to send me some free stuff. Yeah. Oh, same.

Yeah, that too. I love free stuff. For sure, shout out to that. Shout out to those people in advance. Shout out to anyone who can teach me how to fish

on Stardew Valley. It's really hard and it makes me angry. Anybody can please help me out with that. Other than that, shout out to Twitter, Instagram, everyone on the AFV subreddit. Send your lists in. We'd love to hear them.

The weirder, the better. And more importantly, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shack-lock-a-tee! Yes. That was a HeadGum Podcast.