All Fantasy Everything - Things to Put in a Time Capsule (w/ David Gborie and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're fantasy drafting things we would put in a time capsule. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and as always, I'm joined by my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything! Yeah. Why not, you know?

Yeah, no, get it! You're a full lemony snicket. This is episode 275, man. I'm putting some fucking verve on it. Oh, we need to start shark jumping, baby. Yeah, dude. It's time. It's fucking time! John's gonna make a robot. We've been in our prime for too long. I'll do W wacky dad with max sometimes in that voice you were just doing i'll walk in when she gets up and i'll go wacky

dad and then i'll start waving my hands it's pretty fun i like it that's fun i like that yeah a little bit for me yeah wacky dad i miss her so goddamn much it's insane i cried the other night i was watching a video maybe i had a couple drinks maybe i did because you were all jaeger bombed out you know i sure was fight video made you cry you found a fight video smoking choking ease well fight video turns into a murder video pretty quick and then you start crying yeah dude our algorithms are so different what video made you cry it's just a video I forgot I sent to my mom a while back. It's where I was trying to show my mom Max's top teeth.

And she does this thing when she's smiling. She'd go like, ah, ah. And I was just like, it's awesome. I'll send it to you. That's beautiful. I thought it was going to be butterfly kisses. Yeah. Dude, that's Laura.

Laura hates that song so much. And my mom would have us play that as she walked down the aisle. That laura laura hates that song so much and my mom would have us play that as she walked down the aisle that's how that's how different they view that song it's very funny it's a polarizing the best art is polarized is it a bad song i don't even i don't think it's amazing have you heard his other one about the shoes whatever that no that sounds like where he buys a kid some shoes and like for a christmas present or whatever no i don't know but i don't know who butterfly kisses is by i don't know that bob carlisle dude butterfly kisses something something little white flowers all up in her hair for all that i've done wrong i must have done something right to get hugs every day and butterfly kisses at night well now i don't i don't want to hear

the original yeah that's it dude it's not great listen to it walk beside the pony daddy it's my first ride you should tell tina that you love play it for dinner play it play it during dinner tonight and be like what do you think over like a nice dinner i've mind goblins her in the last month i can't i can't butterfly kiss her that's the that's the san francisco turnaround you had a mind goblin and then a butterfly kiss i don't have a ring on it yet i don't have a ring on oh dude i got another one for you someone hit me with a dm the other day. I want to do it. I'm trying. I haven't quite figured out a way to get you to say what I want you to say.

But I was at Wendy's the other day. It was so buck. Yeah. How buck was it? It's not what I want you to say. Wendy's. Wendy's nuts are in your mouth, dude. Oh, I got one, too.

You need to find someone a way to make somebody say what's up with Wendy's's i bought a gun at wendy's yeah wendy's wendy's this wendy's nuts right here man sean you look like you you are you people choking these choking bees what do you mean god damn it just let me get the fucking bit off i gave you wendy's it's too late barely i barely gave me wendy you asked for it and i gave it to you dog and frown did you just spit yeah a little bit yeah i saw that that was wild i'm very hydrated for for everything else i've been drinking i've drank so much water on this in the last week like probably a gallon and a half a day it's shocking good yeah i'm not yeah it's not all funny some of it's just what we do yeah all right some of it's just what i've been doing we like to joke a lot but also like yeah i went to the farmer's market this morning

so yeah yeah yeah i did not i barely made it to the bathroom i vacuumed did you have to poop this morning sean is that what yeah i pooped and you had to do that clench walk where you have to like very small very small steps yeah the sea walk to the bathroom the clench walk the clench walk dude a lot of people don't know if that's what that stands for i haven't told anyone this yet i sat for a good half hour and i watched a crip walk tutorial video the other night and really tried you're getting weird in these hotel rooms yeah that's being on tour though that is being on tour it's what people have this idea of what you do and then you're getting weird in these hotel rooms yeah that's being on tour though that is being on tour it's what people have this idea of what you do and then you're like it's really not that i walked what i did today says downtown denver doesn't make food on sundays apparently so i

had to go to starbucks i got four sandwiches and uh a tea or a fucking chai that i haven't even touched she's gone to sam's number three i just got four sandwiches and ate them all because that was my it's a weird thing i wouldn't ever do that if i wasn't on the road no that's people think the sex drugs and rock and roll it is diners drive-ins and dives and i don't mean going to those places i mean sitting on the bed sitting on the bed watching it sitting on the bed watching tv in a hotel you do that so off like half dressed half dressed yeah but like half dressed weird like a shirt and a jacket but no pants or underwear yeah yeah and you're watching like an appalachian state basketball game like

you're watching appalachian state eating a sandwich from somewhere that you didn't know sold sandwiches until you bought one from there yeah you're like i had to check out the local news get the pulse get the pulse of pittsburgh dunkin donuts salad i'm watching you want to talk about weird moves on the road oh what the what is that sour patch popcorn no dude no in my in my suitcase come to my house i have food i have food here for you that you can eat it is the and i don't say this a lot it is so gross yeah you might be the only person who's ever bought that yeah have you seen the sour patch energy drinks that they're that are out now no of course not still haven't done it but i will rest assured are you drunk or sober when you bought

that sour patch popcorn sober you were just like this is let's buy on the road though hey you eat weird stuff what did you think was gonna happen what did you think was gonna happen i don't know did you were you like was it more of a curiosity thing or were you like i bet this is good you know penicillin i thought was gonna happen something like that where i'm just like oh i tripped on this amazing they discovered penicillin by accident right no but were you like were you like, ooh, that sounds good? Or is it like, ooh, I have to try this? Because what the fuck is that? I have to try it. Right.

It's like that flaming hot Mountain Dew I got cooking in the fridge right now. Right, right, right. I got to try it. You have to try it. Your asshole has got to be going nuts. Somebody sent me that. Somebody mailed me that. And shout out to you.

Thank you for that. I'm probably going to probably make a little YouTube video and put it on Patreon when I There you go. When I chuck that fucking thing down. It is gonna be dank oh man that's a that's a lot that's a lot different than most people's patreon concepts choking stuff down can you not send a ups package at the post office like can i if i have a pre-addressed ups package can i not just go put it in outgoing mail or does it have to go ups i don't know well you would have to pay for postage they didn't tell me so i went to the post office i got my mom a new phone the other day i had to send her old one back i didn't know

there was a ups store in sioux falls i go to the post office the guy was like you have to go to ups i'm like can't we just put it in a bag and then you know and just mail it like that i don't know that's how i know you've been watching the sopranos i haven't started yet you haven't started yet no oh maybe it's my brother then, you might not even be on my account. Never mind. It must be my brother. What? Which account?

Showtime? HBO. It's on HBO. I got, I got. You haven't watched any yet? No. I waited like a couple weeks and then I started because I thought that I was like, oh, Sean's probably, well, now you got to catch up.

I will. Where are you at? I might start doing the Sopranos rewatch. Oh, get in. I just started season three. The Sopran bros, dude. Sopran bros. it i will where are you at i might start doing the the sopranos rewatch oh get in i'm i just started season three the sopran bros dude it's a great show it's so good it's so good i'm excited about it yeah i'm having a really good time i need a new show i watched all of bel-air i like it i have a feeling some people are gonna think it's corny i watched the first episode and

carlton's a little much they made freeway the basketball coach and i was like this might have legs and then oh yeah that was i thought that was a cool move but then other than that yeah i couldn't i don't maybe it's tied up in too much nostalgia or something i couldn't get into it it was just that's just really intense it's they do that thing that that entourage does where they they create a huge problem and then they solve it and then that you know that's it there's no like big through line that's just like a real big thing solve it i don't know it's but it was fun i didn't mind it it's also like it just makes it's like what if fresh prince of bel-air was melrose place yeah i liked fresh prince of bel-air yeah Melrose Place? I liked Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Yeah, it was great. They nailed it. They sure did. It was serious. It was funny. That Fresh Prince show, at least that I saw, it does not get funny, really, huh? No, no. I mean, the guy's an okay, but you can't get another Will Smith.

Right. That's a once in a lifetime. You're saying picks. You're going get another Will Smith. Right. That's a once in a lifetime. Will Smith. You're saying pics. You're going to put Will Smith in there? My internet is misbehaving. Misbehaving. My internet is misbehaving. You should punish it. You should put mayonnaise on it.

It's in the corner. Sean Jordan is here covered in mayonnaise sitting in the corner. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean cougar melon jordan on instagram what's uh how's the house tour been dude good thank you to every all the shows are pretty much sold out it was shocking minneapolis sold out rochester was uh i don't know if anybody gave a shit that it was me but it was still sold out hey that doesn't matter uh w's balls was sick denver sold out so yeah shouts to everybody that came i was very very very excited very ready to get home and nothing coming up that i know about except my wedding yeah we gotta get you that suit dude yeah what day is your wedding may 14th and you don't have takes about six weeks they said we'll get you that

suit all right we'll get it if i gotta fly up like next weekend or something we're gonna make that happen we'll get it done we're gonna get it done i'm excited it's gonna be it's gonna be fun get everyone together i'm wondering how many of these sioux falls dirt bags are gonna get those plane tickets pretty easy to not do it pretty easy to just not do it it's really easy to not buy a plane ticket i do it most of the time oh yeah i've done it a lot of times like they're gonna check and be like whoa this is what you pay every time you come back i'm like it is that's exactly yeah it sucks may the 14th be with you you and laura can be uh dressed like jedi right for the wedding i'm gonna be dressed like a wookiee yeah i gotta get a new suit she's gonna dress up like

darth maul i'm gonna dress up like the bad wookiee from uh boba fett the big black wookiee oh yeah and then he's cool he is so you watch boba fett at all david you're not really into that no i want to google black wookiee but i'm worried no just google google rams football fight black oh no it comes up it's what comes up oh he is looking cool dude he's scary like chewbacca was never scary to me that guy's scary because he he looks like chewbacca his mouth wasn't scary chewbacca had an inviting mouth i I don't know if that makes sense. Pardon me. Pardon me.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Chewbacca had an inviting mouth? I wanted a blowjob from Chewbacca. You know what I'm talking about? Every now and then, I don't know if us becoming self-aware is a good thing, but sometimes somebody will say something, and I'm like, the AFE out of context. If they don't use that, if they don't use Chewbacca had an inviting mouth and i don't know

what's what i don't know which way is up anymore he has a he has a kind mouth and so he doesn't look scary that that big black wookiee does not have a kind mouth and he's also got a huge gun chewbacca he had a crossbow right yeah have you looked Chewbacca's mouth recently? Inviting is a word. I don't know recently, but I know I think that he had a kind mouth. That big black bookie does not have a kind mouth. That's how

I know you've been watching The Sopranos. That sounds like something that my dad probably said in a different way. I don't think you should say that on here, dude. I don't think you should say that while we're being recorded. Yeah. I don't think you should say that on here, dude. I don't think you should say that while we're being recorded. Yeah. I don't know why it's, yeah, the... He looks hard. Chewbacca didn't look hard to me.

He does look hard. He does look hard. He's mean. I would say it's... I always clocked him more in the eyebrows, but I guess he's got a mean mouth. See? Is it sexy?

Yeah, a mean mouth. You can't do anything about it, dude. It's like resting bitch face. I'd like to watch him eating a messy egg salad sandwich with that mouth. Oh, it'd get everywhere. All in his fur. Damn, he is cool looking, dude. I'd get one of those cat gloves that has real long fingers on it that they play with, and

I'd comb all the egg salad out of his hair. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. If the computer starts to tilt back, it's because i'm rocking up you need to you need to go back to your wife and kid i think yeah i'm losing i'm spinning out man i don't think you should be on the road anymore i shouldn't be i honestly i thought about booking an earlier flight tomorrow but then that that came and went, but I really, I really, really, really miss them,

which is a good, a great feeling, but the road's different now, man, than it used to be. Oh, because of the vaccine. Oh,

so you, you, you believe in all that stuff, huh? You know, you're just busy drinking the Kool-Aid. I'm not busy. You never wore a mask though. If you believe in it, busy drinking the Kool-Aid. It's weird that you never wore a mask, though, if you believe it.

I'm not busy drinking the Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew. If there was one drink that was going to give you COVID. Grown up Kool-Aid, man. I don't think I don't even think that that is it. That's an abomination. I'm going to put some fireball in there. That's a slight against God. Don't do it.

You have a family. If you drink the Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew, you don't get to criticize people using ivermectin at least that's true yeah fair yeah no obviously i know what that is but for the listeners who are ill informed please indulge me what is hyper ivermectin i've i didn't think it was hyper by any means i knew it was iver that's why i've i've i didn't i wasn't about to say hypermectin so i don't even think i was ivermectin is like it's a british it's like a british brand of soda like it's a british sort of like it's british mountain dew you should try to score someone on the dark web any red coats out there want to send me one feel free yeah send sean a big frosty mug of ivermectin yeah and it's good dude you'll like it we had uh

we were drinking red line one time adam and i remember that shit it was like milkshakey kind of but it said right on there do not guzzle or it didn't say guzzle but it was like essentially said take your time when you're drinking this and we just slammed it it was the first like panic attack i had really where i'm like this is my hands were shaking in my heart like you could see your blood moving through your body that kind of shit oh yeah not just caffeine is really rough dude you know i'm i'm i'm kind of kind of getting out of a coffee every day it's it's starting to be if i have a coffee in the morning it's starting to be sometimes too much for me who you tell them well yeah you don't you know i went through a whole period of that i'm back on coffee but i i had a whole period where i didn't drink it at all it felt great too

do you still do tea or is it just coffee now i drink a lot of tea at night but i'll do like i'll mix in a uh i'll mix in a green tea or a black tea every now and then a black wookie a kind-mouthed black wookie the black eyed tease. Yeah. We're out here. Puns. Puns. Rapunzel. Puns. Big pun. Big pun is your.

David Borey is here. Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram. Not on Twitter. Not on it. I'm not. I'm not doing that. God damn it. An increasingly good decision.

Yes. Yeah, man. It's i and i'm pretty good about it the other day i was like hours hours on twitter yeah also the road it's not helping it's just i will tell you this everybody out there a couple things if i can't oh boy if i can't yeah stop fucking saying world war three if you are trying to be funny it is it pisses me off to no end because it's people trying to feel better about that i understand you're scared but it doesn't help anything to go do that so stop it are you talking about that song world war three the one that starts tugboats tugboats no do that do all of that if that was the hashtag then i'd be thrilled about it yeah i've never heard that song in my life you don't know you know that one is it world war three

what is that tugboats i don't know what that song either oh hold on like you keep talking i think i'm wrong that's my whole thing just stop you know it's not i know it's what if you're whatever just try to get yourself in a good mental place you're not doing yourself any favors by doing that be informed but i was right i was right sorry to interrupt sorry to interrupt it's a world war three rough riders off rider tie volume two it starts tugboats and there goes you know that one oh yeah

that one rough riders were a hip-hop collective uh spearheaded by dmx earl earl simmons spearheaded by juan d the guys who owned the guys who own the company yeah well now i learned two things today that and what ivor mexin is anyway scarface is on that song it's real good scarface is great man that's the only world war three i want to hear about yep i'm gonna listen to it right after this while I take a poop again. God damn it. It's going down over there. Nobody's safe in this room. Have you eaten at like a Panera Bread on this trip? No, I had Noodles and Company yesterday.

That's pretty close, right? Okay, yeah. Same thing. It was always going to be one of those places. Sneaks its way in. Yeah, it's the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Noodles and Company, man.

I love it. Noodles and Company, man. That's what I like. You're Noodles and Company, man. I'm a Noodles and company, man. I love it. Noodles and company, man. That's what I like. You're noodles and company, man. I'm a noodles and company, man. David, do you have anything coming up? Yeah, a bunch of stuff. Hold on.

Shit, I just closed the tab. I'm sorry. Idiot. Idiot. Fucking boner. Bonehead. Boner. But thanks to everybody who came to Faded last month.

That was so awesome. Come to the next one, March 16th. But thanks to everybody who came to Faded last month. That was so awesome. Come to the next one March 16th. And my dates are March 17th through 19th. I'm at the Laugh Shop in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. April 7th through 9th, I'm at the Grove Comedy Club in Lowell, Arkansas. June 10th and 11th, Riot Comedy Club, Houston, Texas. Arkansas, June 10th and 11th, Riot Comedy Club, Houston, Texas, July 12th through 16th, Rumors Comedy Club, Winnipeg, Manitoba, September 16th through 18th, Telluride Blues Festival,

Buddy Guy is going to be there. You're doing music there, right? Yeah. Yeah. Did you say Buddy Guy is going to be there? Yeah. What? Yeah, it's crazy.

CeeLo Green is also going to be there. Buddy Guy a named after two guys from boston getting in a fight yeah hey buddy yeah guy that's not boston or wisconsin that was good whatever i think it's hold on i think it's april 9th i'm at carnegie mellon university again that's not common you're lecturing right yeah no that's just common. You're lecturing, right? Yeah. No, that's just a talk on stem cell research. You're a deep dive on string theory. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and that's on April 7th. Yeah, in Pittsburgh. Sir David Borey. Sir David Borey. Sar David Borey? Sir David Borey. Sir Sar. Depending on where you catch him.

What are you putting on your rider for the green room when you lecture? Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. A whole lot of chimichangas. Chimichangas, tweed coat. Yeah. Some warm, wet meat like we had in the house of, or what is it called?

The Bell House. The Bell House. The warm, wet meat was good. All right? Yeah, I made a sandwich. Katie can kick rocks. It was great. I don't mind a

deli platter hanging out getting room temp you know what i mean oh yeah dude i fucking that that tour i ate a sandwich in every green room yeah every green room every green room we can get one once chicago you had a couple bare naked hot dogs which is also your side project yeah yeah oh that's that's the band and it's gonna be at the Telluride Blues and Brews. Chicago blew it, dude. We were upset. That was a rough green room. Yeah.

Great show. That was the closest to upset that I got on that whole thing. Because it was like, whatever, people don't want to hear about it. It was great. People do want to hear about it. It wasn't great. There was nothing in the green room. There were people in there, which is that it's not like we have a lot to do. But the one thing you like to do

is chill out without strangers around before a show, just to get in your funny space, you know? We were driving from city to city. We all had diarrhea. We were all in various stages of dehydration and hungover.

I've never seen you that, so you remember when we were coming back from Vegas? That was the only other time I've seen you where it's like, you were so focused on the road and you wouldn't even talk to me you remember when we were we were like by sharpie's house on the way to our house and you were you're like i i have to i have to get home and you wouldn't talk and i was like it's all good and you're like it's not just like staring straight at it yeah it was a race

against the clock dude i didn't i didn't know because there were two things that could happen we could get home and i could get to the bathroom or i shit myself in a car full of my friends there wasn't there wasn't a third option there was not a third way there that was uh when i was on the butt the one time i did it in portland i was on the bus and i was somebody next to me they had me pinned in and it was gonna happen so I was looking at him and I was like shaking the bar and I look I go move move move get out of my way and I ran up to the side door even though we were still moving and I was like oh no and it happened a little bit what was that sound you made oh no I did I did I was sitting there I was like oh no and then it happened and then I

scrunched into work and so I had to take my underwear off and then i'm sitting at work working because i was at a full shift and right away this girl that sits next to me she goes does this smell like poop in here can i yeah it should i'm sorry to run it back i forgot some dates can i say yeah yeah i'm sorry uh march 24th through 26th the comedy club of kansas city in kansas city missouri and august 5th and 6th dead crow comedy club in wilmington north carolina beautiful that's it you're out there and then maybe maybe maybe a couple other guys and me that you know are also gonna go on on a tour this summer. That would be crazy. Wouldn't that be crazy? Wouldn't that be wild if we had some other dates this summer? You two an outcast?

You're going on tour together? Is that what you're saying? Finally, the paperwork went through. There's a new dungeon family. It's not as good. We'll freely admit that. I'll say that. I'll say that.

It's not as good. It's me. It's David. It's Sean Kemp in a very tight t-shirt. And like a bunch of owls. Yeah. When you guys go on tour with OutKast, Ian, you have to tell everyone that your name is BiggerBoy,

and David, you're going to be Andre4000. Every hotel, everywhere, every single place you go, hey, this is BigBoy. I'm BiggerBoy. I like that in that scenario ian's introducing big boy at the hotel to the clerk that guy back there looking like he's being punished as big boy and i'm bigger boy i'll be paying for the room same spelling of boy v-o-i-s yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a i want an i there there should have been a bigger boy there probably is i bet you there

isn't like fucking poughkeepsie or something some dude that does basement shows what's up bigger boy part of a one-person beef yeah yeah bigger boy i'm mad at my dick for being too big bigger boy oh how about congrats to claire o'kane for getting hired on saturday night oh hell yeah hell yeah how wild is that dude amazing yeah it's amazing yep yeah that shit's tight dude um i'm ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh anova sous vide app i don't know if i just used that one i may have we did three shows in one weekend a while ago and i can't remember what's what, but I still need some chicken thighs.

I'm going to grill them up tonight. They're going to be good. Oh, yeah. I love a good chicken thigh. It's going to be delicious. Dark meat. Bigger boy loves that dark meat. Delicious dark meat, my other side project.

Naked hot dogs and delicious dark beat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sort of a theme. Yeah, one only plays shows during the day. Yeah. One only plays shows during the night. What's only allowed out at night? And it's not the one you think.

Yeah. Oh, man. This is the coolest thing happening in this hotel right now what do you think about that this podcast yeah i know some arms could be getting traded you don't know what's going on there dude yeah somebody's probably killing a sex worker thank god i'm on the 17th floor thank god you get that pool no it's freezing it's cold winter cold that pool is cold in july they got a hot tub it's in the shade i don the shade. I don't know what they were doing, but it's in the shade.

I don't know. Unless you get up at like noon, or noon. Unless you get up at like nine and go swimming. You gotta steam it out. You gotta go to the hot tub. You gotta hit a sauna maybe. Well, David, I'll take a bath.

I know you will. Yeah, you will. I took baths. So in Rochester, I basically stayed will. Yeah, you will. I took baths in every... I basically... So in Rochester, I basically stayed in like a... It's one of those motels that people stay at

when their relatives are dying at the Mayo Clinic, you know? So it's very bare bones because they're never there. And they had a bathtub that looked like it was made for, I don't know, like an eight-year-old. And I fucking poured myself in there,

had a nice little bath. It's kind of hotel i wouldn't mind nothing on the walls i gotta i don't want to pay an extra 30 bucks a night because there's a painting you know yeah i'm done i'm with it i'm done this has been your sean jordan bath update brought to you by uh headgump uh this is a headgump podcast i'm gonna take a fucking bath after this i'm excited uh i don't have that i uh keep watching the late late show watch sex unzipped hopefully this new show i'm doing new new show or show again whatever the news that i can because now i vaguely teased it

out for too long and i thought it would be announced by now and people are thinking like i'm getting the late late show i'm not getting the late late show it's a much smaller deal than that but uh still pretty fun and cool you'll be able to see me on tv more hopefully uh god what else yeah listen to all fantasy everything now we are gathering today not only to talk about sean's bath schedule heavy which is heavy which is a heavy flow situation uh but also to fantasy draft things we would put in a time capsule. Yes, that's chosen by our patrons. Thank you for the topic. This will be a fun one,

chosen by somebody there on the Patreon. For those of you unawares, about once a month, we let the Patreon pick a topic, and then we fucking get busy with it. The way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the two of you, and we throw on shoot.

Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ooh, Sean wins. It's a natural. Man, I want the scissors just to go into the other window, you know? Do you ever feel like when you're going like this, it's just going to go into the other, like I could poke David in the face? Who's next to you? David is.

Oh, you guys are stacked up on top. I'm in the middle. Yeah, I'm up top with sean you're down here ian sean's up here this is a good bit this is a good bit for a podcast it's not great podcast content but like we're having fun and then that comes through on the mic i think i think it does the smiles you can hear a smile if i learned anything at a call center it's that you can hear a smile also it's that old people like to call you bad names. They used to have us make,

they used to give us little sticky mirrors, and they're like, if you feel like you're not smiling, maybe look in the mirror, and it's like, how could you say that to an adult? How could one adult say that to another one? Yeah.

And not expect to get their nose broken or something. I never did, but. Sean, you're talking like sean smith what's going on he's a wily one yeah he's a wily man we heard man he's a wily man uh sean as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question well i recently had to shovel my entire driveway at my mom's house so

it's a lot like shoveling you start at one shitty end of the driveway you shovel all the shitty snow all the way to the other end of the driveway you turn around a little bit you shovel all the snow all the way back turn around a little bit at the end you shovel all the snow down to the other end until your fingers are numb then you got to go inside for a little bit and then you just go back out and do it until it snows again a few hours later so it's actually quite the serpentine situation because we'll go ahead and take all day i have a question about shoveling etiquette because nine inches calm down when i was a kid i used to shovel before i went to school but that's because it was just my chore right but now as an adult i might not get to

shovel until like 9 10 a.m is that rude my neighbors all seem to have shoveled before me i think you have a day honestly i think if it's currently snowing i don't think you should have to shovel no no i'm talking about morning after for sure when it's done snowing i think yeah you have i i would usually do it that night like when it's done but yeah nine ten you you have like a grace day before the postal workers tell you they're upset i'm sure they're upset but right you that's the city won't come at you unless your shit's like blocked for over a day your driveway no you gotta have the walk shoveled you don't have to shovel your driveway in front of the house okay you have to have your your walk so clear way to the door and then the front walk here here's here's an etiquette

question how do you do do you do like straight up to the property line yeah nine inches no yeah i do corner to corner because the people next to me don't shovel their walk as regularly as maybe we would all like on the block. And like, I'm not trying, I'm trying to let them know like, Hey, that's not what we're on over here. Are they the ones that had that dog whining for hours when I was there? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Same house. Eventually they don't shovel. The dog moved out though. Really? Got its own place. Yeah. He, yeah. Same house. Eventually they don't shovel. The dog moved out, though. Really? Got its own place? Yeah, he's doing good, man. He got out of community college, and he got a job.

That's great, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm proud of him. I'm proud of him. Still on probation, but one step at a time. Well, yeah. You know what I mean? You can't look back all the time.

Sometimes you got to look forward. Exactly. Progress is a slow process. That's what he always says. I took the rearview mirrors out of my car, because only look forward dude i cut the heels out the back of my shoes i don't go backwards yeah i i have a lot of pencils not one of them has an eraser on it not one of them do you remember having a pencil without eraser as a kid you felt like a piece of shit yeah that one

that had like the hard back and you're like yeah what the fuck is this like this is this is some this is a cheap pencil i remember when i got those and i was like this must be some fancy new eraser and i remember taking that hard that was just plastic and like rubbing it real hard on the pen like well all right so it's not an eraser that it's a smearer maybe it's heat activated maybe you really gotta get it going. Did you guys ever give yourselves eraser burns in school? Like do that tough guy contest? No, what do you do? Just take an eraser and just rub it until it really just burns you.

I don't remember, but I remember playing quarters. Oh, God, bloody quarters. I remember playing quarters. Yeah, yeah. I did both of those things. Yeah, I heated up the erasers. Quarters was so dumb what were we doing oh i don't know the lunch table and the first person to bleed yeah was the loser like

you have any control over that how quick you remember sometimes watching kids play and it's like when you hook that shit at it it like takes a chunk off like children man we did um we had arm wrestling matches with mashed potatoes on either side it's the only real food fight i ever saw happen in real life because swanson john swanson he beat someone and um he beat someone or no he got beat so he just took a hunk of mashed potatoes and whiffed it at the kid's face i was like it's on i bet i bet it's gonna be on and then there was an actual food fight until somebody threw a full apple at one of the teachers it barely missed their head but it like smashed on the wall and then he was like started screaming and we're like shit dude that really would have

hurt him i like that the teacher was riding it out until then he was like all right let's see where this goes did anybody yell foods fight that's what i always wanted to hear i don't think so i have my memory of it so it was probably only 20 seconds but i'm sure he was sitting there like god this is this is what i'm a teacher for huh so kids can have arm wrestling matches with mashed potatoes on either side good idea raise the stakes a little bit and the side it's more more raise the sides you know there he is watch the late late show i'll go get the emmy it's not far well don't kind of have it always tethered like a kid at the mall you just like have it

i'm never more than three feet from miami no yeah that's smart yeah nor should you be i can get to it in the dark we you got to respect it that emmy tried to kill you the first night you had it so that's a different emmy that was a separate emmy mi Miami would never do that. Oh, okay. We got to do a show in Miami one of these days. I've been saying. What about Miami? Miami. We should do a show there. Ami-Emi. Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Sean, basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round, David. Sean, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I'm going to go first, then David, then you. Hot corner. Hot corner.

Sean. S-H-A-W-N. David. Ian. Sean. Isn't it pronounced Ian? I thought. Sean.

I'll come through the screen, dude. Don't you pronounce it Ian? I thought you did. J'll come through the screen dude don't you pronounce it i am joking about the way you spell your name is one thing but fucking iron iron it's no coincidence that the most famous the most famous iron also has curly blonde hair two unacceptable things that is weird i'm sorry i i'm not i try not to be a prejudiced person, but if you're an adult male with curly blonde hair, I don't like it. It's a lifestyle I don't understand. I don't like it,

and I don't want to eat next to you at a restaurant. I think of any adults I know who have curly blonde. Oh, and this is going to sound hilarious. Ryan Jansacock. Jansacock's got curly blonde hair. Oh, yeah. All right, well, he's all right. What do you think? I think the funny part of hilarious. Ryan Jancicok. Jancicok's got curly hair. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, he's all right. What do you think?

I think the funny part of that is the Jancicok. Yeah. It's funnier if you saw him. He looks like a dude named Jancicok. Yeah. It's wild. When I went in for my vasectomy consultation, they kept saying testes. And I was like, thank God I have a mask on because I was laughing so hard.

And he's pointing them out i was like i know what they are dude did they cut your penis off yet when are you doing that hey uh i don't have a consult until like a second week in may or something what do they cut it off and then flip it and sew it back on right so your dick hole face is inside smack it up flip it rub it down they cut a little hole in your nutsack and put your dick in it and then cauterize the skin around your nutsack. So whenever you pee or jizz, it goes right back

into your body. It's a perpetual motion machine. Yeah, it's a Rube Goldfarb. What's the name? Goldberg. Rube Goldfarb? Rap Slapdash. It's a regional thing. Some places had Rube Goldberg. Other places had reggie goldfinch it was like this different yeah some places had barb goldfarb barb goldfarb it's a barb goldfarb machine the less popular version of a vasectomy is they just get clive davis on the phone come on

tell him that you did something in the music industry and then the rest is history as they say it's not just it's showbiz dude because i wasn't even doing i was like doing like i was doing digital mini discs of of audiobooks and then he walked up to me at fucking muso and frank's dude and just tore my fucking dick off oh no i already i already yanked a tiktoker's cock off not four days ago yeah he'll tell you he'll crank it right he's old but he's still he if you don't think he's firmly in the game, dude, he's in the game. Yeah.

I know. What are you talking to? All right. Well, we're going to get to your first pick right after this short break. As long as Clive Davis doesn't rip it off your body first. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life

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at babbel.com slash allfantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash allfantasy spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash allfantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever

existed. This is it. This is fucking it. Clive. All right. All right. All right. Sean Jordan, you have the first pick. So time capsules, I guess we didn't really talk

about this. I don't know how you guys are going i'm i know how i'm going either mine's weird we didn't kibitz before this mine's weird too so it's a time capsule for this time period stuff we're gonna put and let's say we'll dig it up 250 years later something like that i don't know 100 is that what we were talking isn't it oh i thought we were digging it up like at the end of our lives like you know 50 60 years oh we can do that that's fine i don't know i don't know i don't know dig it up when at the end of our lives, like, you know, 50, 60 years. No, we can do that. That's fine.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Dig it up when you want. And I'm not even, not everything I'm putting in there is necessarily from this right now. You know, you'll see. You'll see. That's fucking entertainment right there.

He's in it now. And all that jazz. Your pick, Johnny. Your first pick. The first pick of the draft first pick of this draft is I want things that I think are not going to be around that much longer

and I don't even know if you still can find one of these but in the future I want them to have one so they can see how we used to do it I'm going to put a phone book in there oh nice I'm going to put a phone book in there because it's i mean it's even crazy for me to think that we that we used to look for numbers in the phone book like if you want i i there were girls numbers i wanted i would call all the benedicts in the sioux falls phone book until

really yeah yeah i had a crush on this girl and um i was in like third grade or something i called all the benedicts and then i finally got her and i asked if she was home and uh what it was her on the phone and then she like got pretty shy as she could because some kid essentially just got her number and then her dad gets on the phone he goes uh sean is it i don't think she's ready for a boyfriend just yet and then he hung up the phone we're third graders so i get i mean i don't know what he thought i was gonna do but anyway yeah phone books man they're interesting you'd go through the business like looking through the restaurants you weren't there cold calling people like you were flipping car works in third grade cold calling girls dude a child rude boy and i

we went to sacramento one time and we looked up a pro this pro skater's last name is beavel and there were like five in the phone book we called them all we never got the guy on the phone but it's like what were we gonna what were we gonna do we're just gonna be like oh is that you tight you wanna go skate yeah dude you wanna go shredding we're in sacramento i guess you could at least there was more of a there was a better outcome possible there than the uh cold calling this this uh third grader hey i found your number you want to you want to be my girlfriend i did the work you went to school with her too i did yeah seems like that would have been a good place to try to but you don't well you don't i don't know you're not asking for digits when you're a third grader.

You're not like, let me get them digits. No. So I just went the other way and I just didn't tell her. I just got them myself. All right. What about you? An intrepid kid. You were quite the youngster, Sean Jordan.

I was. You really were up to a lot. A scamp. I would love to watch The Adventures of Young Sean Jordan. Yeah. There'd be some emotional ones. There'd be some funny ones. Yeah be some funny ones yeah it'd be good i mean i used i've the whole nine man i've been a romantic since day one like leaving candy on doorsteps since first grade i'm leaving candy on girls doorsteps on valentine's day that is whoa my mom drove me

to do this i proposed to my teacher in second grade you know like i walked up and fucking got on one knee and proposed to her she did not what if it worked i know she's like thank god yes thank god yes yes she just quits it goes down to the principal's office sean and i are getting married then you gotta get a job you're working at a deli dude i had a paper out when i was like fourth grade so yeah you know i joined the workforce pretty quick you'd have like you'd. So, you know, I joined the workforce pretty quick. You'd have like a 30-year-old? That would be crazy. Dude, I would have.

Yeah, if we would have got busy, I'd probably, yeah, I'd have like a 34-year-old right now. I mean, I don't know if you could have got busy in third grade. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. I don't think we are. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. Totally fair. Totally fair.

Sean can, though. Sean, go ahead. What do you think i'm getting them digits for homeboy oh my god oh no oh my goodness nope nope you're right park that car in the wrong garage yeah yeah uh i i was so bad if i just did not understand how to flirt when i was that age at all. I thought like there was like the teasing and being mean thing. So like one time, like there were a couple of different instances. One time it was like April fools. And I put a rubber snake in the desk of a girl who I liked.

I don't, I don't know. I didn't think it through. I thought I was like, I'll do this. And then she'll be scared. And then she'll be scared. And then I'll be like, it was me. And now we're dating. I think it was also second or third grade. I think it was second grade.

I don't know. You don't know what's going on. I wasn't aware of flirting until like, I don't know when girls started hitting you in like junior high school. We had boys chase girls and stuff like that girls chase boys you guys ever do that yeah but that was different than like girls you know what i mean like you know what i'm talking about is this weird all i'm saying is

i got beat up by a lot of girls i was bullied we had some we had some some wayward youth that i grew up with so we i think it was the one you were the youth that was wayward no i was on the i was on the fringe but i was definitely with them and we you know weird stuff but yeah it was it was a real i can't really i can't backpedal in here turns out i do back up i can't really like it's it's crazy some of like doctors stuff like that you know oh yeah yeah stuff like that and i'm glad that's what i got caught yeah yeah what'd you think i had no idea you made it i'm gonna be like you don't like real sex it seemed really terrible just now human trafficking we were it was it's just i'm i'm very comfortable talking to you too but then sometimes i'm like don't just

just save it for when we're not being recorded and i'm going to release it to the world so but it was just stuff like where it's like yeah doctor that was the thing does that make you now nervous as a parent or are you going to be able to sess out those kind that kind of company and not let your kid keep it oh i'm man i'm i'm real nervous is thinking about that stuff because i'd i was young in every way when i was doing things i mean i was you know it's no no secret i lost my virginity when i was 13 that is disgusting to think about and yeah i think legally when you see a 13 year old it's like are you uh no and i'm you know i get worried about all kinds of stuff when you see a 20 year old you're like you're a fucking yeah yeah what do you guys what are you doing you're just oh it's not it's just bad you lost your virginity at 13 but i wore a vest to my bar mitzvah so we were in a lot of ways like kind of ahead of our time pretty fucking smooth vest too i don't even remember 13 what happened

i think i switched from playing offense to defense that's all I remember I remember a part of it a portion of being 13 a Pesach if you will all the sex phone book a Portland phone book Sioux Falls phone book probably I'm sure he'd get one in Sioux Falls easier than Portland right now

I think they might still be in Sioux Falls in the 60s but uh just smoked just fucking burnt Sioux Falls to the ground it's gonna be hard for me to re-enter the pageant without a face dude yeah uh I saw that I finally watched whatever movie that's in forgetting Sarah Marshall after forgetting Sarah Marshall after you saying that quote and I was like it is the funniest so long that movie's so funny is what that movie is donovan hates tombstone he tweeted about it yesterday i had to i had to talk myself off the ledge donovan said the tombstone is cover to cover a shit movie but val kilmer is amazing and i was like i'm gonna i'm gonna call him probably yeah you might have to this might have to be not off the pod beef, dude. Yeah, dude.

Say less. We can't have AFV showing up in court transcripts. I mean, don't go to sleep, Donovan. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying, dude. My voice didn't crack, so don't worry about it. Dude, I think it's that fucking, I think it's that Sour Patch Kid popcorn.

It's putting you through reverse puberty. It's a lot of stuff. Yeah. I'm just getting. You know, we had to look up. Tell me if you know this the answer to this when do your testicles descend i don't know i thought puberty usually around 9 a.m every morning might suck back into my body at night don't yours like it's like a defense mechanism yeah no but i put a cereal bowl around them every night before i go to bed so they're protected yeah they descend like a month after you're born i didn't know that i thought i thought it was like

well into your life that they descended you thought there was like a loose sack there i don't know what i mean i don't i don't blame you i don't know what i would have guessed yeah i don't remember that stuff so yeah but it's very very being a baby no i don't david i have a clear memory of all of it. No, I don't. But whatever, that'd be so weird. I thought you were going to say I have a clear nutsack. I have a clear nutsack.

I do. I got it. It's a clear Louis Vuitton nutsack. What if you went and tried to get that operation? Just like, can you make it clear? I just want my shit to be see-through. We can give people pig heart valves and there's not a clear nutsack I can buy?

Remember the clear Game Boys? Just use the same technology here. Pretend this is Elon Musk walking and asking for it. Tell me what I can get. Tell me I can get a clear nutsack. I don't care if it's glass and I have to screw it on. I don't care. This is a silly day.

It is a silly day. Phone book, David. time for your first pick what's going on the time capsule my first pick it's just very of this time i think you would always remind me of this era i'm saying a vax card oh damn that yeah jesus i didn't even think about that yeah definitely definitely a a clear indicator of this time. I travel with mine, which I don't know if it's safe or not. I travel with it. Do you know anyone who's lost it?

I travel, like, when I go to Portland, I bring it. Really? Yeah. I got the My Colorado app, and they have your ID and your Vax card on there, so I just take that. I leave the other one at home. Yeah. They said to make a photocopy was the thing. Get a photocopy and laminate it, i leave the other one at home yeah it was they said to make a photocopy was the thing get a photocopy and laminate it but keep your real one at home

i can't believe there isn't a this is going to spoil one of one of my picks was going to be a counterfeit vax card which it which i feel like also perfectly encapsulates this time yeah so this is stepping on that a little bit but like i can't believe that they didn't make it a harder i know i could counterfeit i bet you i could make one i you just it looks so easy to make insane the hardest part in counterfeiting it would be finding a piece of paper that big like just that exact size it's i how is it not harder how is there not like a a qr code or something like just one extra hologram there's not one there's not a sticker like an official government sticker there's nothing like that fishing licenses fishing licenses are better fucking like protected than

those they are they are they are it's harder to yeah it's harder to get a fishing light it's fucking nuts like i guess i understand they just wanted to get it out to as many people as they thought and they probably didn't anticipate the vaccine hesitancy to the degree but right i think they don't expect people to not want to like get vaccinated yeah which is you know here's where we are the point is it's just a very very symbolic of the time absolutely very different time than any other time book so so is it yeah yeah you yeah you are i'm not coming for you david kind of i'll come for you right now david kind of zeroed in david zeroed in on 2022 and you're like what if my time capsule is more of a 1987 sort of vibe?

It's going to be all over the place. There's going to be stuff from everywhere. You're all right. People 60 years in the future want to know what 30 years in the past was like. That's okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, a vaccine card.

I mean, it's a perfect encapsulation of right now. Fucking weird, man. Yeah, a vaccine card. I mean, it's a perfect encapsulation of right now. Fucking weird, man. So weird. Time for my first pick. I also want to, I sort of zoomed in more on right now. Again, not coming for you, Sean. But I think a thing that perfectly encapsulates what's going on right now is the hard Mountain Dew. So I would have a can

a baja blast hard mountain dew yeah what a wild thing that's like so close i was gonna do something similar that because the way we're drinking is really weird right now that's so close to idiocracy it's crazy it's just like the line between what's they're just like what's this wasn't always the case but like it was mostly that alcohol would taste like alcohol. And there would, there would be a few things that didn't like wine coolers, you know, certain cocktails. Now, like everything's a seltzer or a can and all these weird brands are getting on it. It's weird. There shouldn't be a Mountain Dew alcohol.

No, it's, it is very strange we got a promotion we got like four promotional cans of work i didn't try them because i was not trying to have whatever day that ends up being but it seems like it's a start to a weird day weird day like what night what night is that it's also only five percent alcohol by the way yeah so it's just a like a bunch of sugar it's a sugar bomb it's like why it% alcohol, by the way. Yeah. So it's just like a bunch of sugar? It's a sugar bomb. It's like beer. I read the can and it's like a non-alcoholic.

There's no sugar in it, is what they say. There's no sugar, but it's a beer. I don't get it. If there's no sugar in it, there's something worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll let you know what it tastes like whenever sure yeah yeah exactly but yeah that doesn't sound like you're gonna have hey let me get a case of this mountain dew alcohol and and go hang out on my porch

like is it for is it for tailgating is it what is it for is it for grabbing one out of the fridge like when am i supposed to have a hard mountain dew am i supposed to have like crack one with my boy like with my friends yeah is it like for us to i swear it's like a joke i bet you somewhere in the marketing they're like people are going to drink this ironically they think but then they're going to like it it's so weird it is strange it is fucking super weird i didn't have hard kombucha like some good hard kombucha before, which whatever. But I don't know. I don't know.

It's also like it's like it's like so much of it is like I don't think super. It tastes good, but I don't think it's like super well made. A lot of this shit. Yeah, it's all more. It's all wine, malt, liquor and beer. That's just flavored differently that's all like and jacked with all sorts of other weird chemicals and shit like yeah yeah it's a weird time for sure um hard mountain dew that's my first pick my second pick i'm going

to take the mask that rudy giuliani wore when he was booed off the mass singer and Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke got up and walked out in protest I don't know exactly what the costume is because it hasn't come out yet but I want that the head in there with kind of a note explaining what it is because I feel like in a hundred years if you want to look at 2022 and what's happening right, it's that Rudy Giuliani, the disgraced mayor of New York City, went on The Masked Singer. It just encapsulates everything about culture right now, where they're like, this horrible person, we put him on TV anyway, because everything's for sale. Celebrity is this weird, meritless, often meritless thing that gets passed around like no infamy and fame or this very little line between the two of them i think that would just be like the perfect thing to sort of encapsulate 2022 man i feel you now when i picked a phone book i didn't really say all that

but you know that's what i was going for the phone book is fine well you know you could call you know numbers in there ian carmel you call him up and i'll get me ranting about this rudy giuliani business in a way the phone book is just a skeleton key dude but yeah the matt rudy giuliani's mass singer costume david boy time for your second pick uh my second one it's weird that this is going second but it's like i was just thinking like it shouldn't all be good we should talk about like everything that's going on so i'm saying a mega hat damn it that was yeah i was like make it more contemporary that was what i was gonna pick up well yes absolutely it's the one who already has one yeah i deleted the part that says go get new and then i just yeah it's weird

sean even has it on a beanie like he crossed hat types yeah it's like i want to wear it to a motocross convention you know like a snowboard contest but also let everybody know i want to be mega but a little more extreme sure you want to wear it to a snowmobile racing contest i uh yeah it just is like there hasn't really been anything else in my life before this that was that polarizing you know what i mean can you wear red hats again are they are they back i don't think so really you don't think so i don't know i'm gonna yeah but i like to think you can i had a red hat when limp biscuit was around and i could barely justify it then because i used to wear white tees and backwards red hats just like i was doing it all for the nookie like i was that's what i was doing yeah you were and it really looked like i was perhaps your fucking

face that was a thing you said a lot oh is that what he says perhaps your fucking face tonight yeah i always thought he said no no he's like give me something to break yeah yeah perhaps your fucking face that happens he says that once i don't know if it's a a repeated thing yeah no that line that you're talking about though. That happens. He says that once. I don't know if it's a repeated thing. Yeah, no, that line that you're talking about, though, I always thought he said, break your fucking, but he says perhaps, which makes more sense. Or I heard it wrong, which is also very likely. I'm a big believer in like critical reconsiderations, like going back and being like, maybe this thing wasn't so bad as I am a Sublime fan. Did you just hear something weird, David?

Yeah. What? as i am a sublime fan did you just hear something weird david yeah what sound like like came from the basement whoa oh really do you have a bunch of cheerleaders down there what no i just got some water heaters no i just got some water heaters what kind of noise was it it was like it was it sounded oh. Is it Fred Durst? I don't know what, dude, I don't know what the fuck it is. Did your water heater Durst? My pipes Durst-ed. My pipes Durst-ed open. What part of Denver are you in?

I'm in Wash Park. Wash Park? Well, that, well, like, it's February 27th, like, a hundred years ago. God damn it. A hundred years ago, the Washington part a hundred years ago the washington park well i don't want to get into it okay that's bad okay right it's just well it's just that a hundred years ago today is when they well they buried that that axe murderer yeah in wash park well not to mention the whole the whole area is a native american burial ground they probably did

did anyone tell you about that there is one in uh in in elizabeth though hey sean yeah open your third eye for this one okay the whole country's a native american burial ground got him yeah you did i'm not i can't laugh yeah that's very that's facts right there oh i'm gonna start saying facts the kids are saying that so oh nice good yeah get ready for me to start being like facts bro facts dude no cap learned i learned a lot from bel-air facts bro those facts i've had a lot of phrases where i was like this is where i get off and then i ended up saying them but i think the hard delineation line is no cap there's like no way i can't i can't what does no cap mean i can't make it work for no cap. There's like no way. I can't, I can't make it. What does no cap mean? I can't make it work for me.

Cap is like lying. Like stop capping. Yeah. No capping is like, I'm not lying. I'm serious. Oh, all right.

Yeah. I didn't know that. Obviously I'm too old for it. Well, no cap dude. No cap. Too old for that. No cap.

No, you're not capping and that's good. That's what, that's what I love about you. Yeah. You don't want to captain a mag hat. You have to, the mag hat. Yeah. If we're not capping, and that's good. That's what I love about you. Yeah, you don't want to cap, dude. A MAGA hat. You have to. The MAGA hat has to go in there if we're remembering this time.

Would you have been wearing a mask if you could find a MAGA mask? Or would that still not have made you wear one ever? I mean, I would have thought that they could see my MAGA face tattoo. It wouldn't matter. I got it on my forehead, so, you know, mask is kind of like okay sure if you're like not committed to the cause i guess that's cool sure sure sure make america gravy again dude that's what i'm into yeah that's it mask i got a mask i got a mask uh sean jordan time for your second and third picks as it is a serpentine draft i'll try to make these a little more contemporary.

So second pick, the... I know I don't have to. The other ones won't. But this is true. So second pick would be a pride flag with the shades of brown triangles. Like, you know what I mean? That's the pride flag. And then it's got the triangle that goes in on the side that are all the other colors. So there's like 15 colors on it well done

I remember when I remember the first time I saw that one and I was wondering I was like are they cool are they neutral I don't know what's going on. I didn't quite know what was happening there. Oh, like gangrene activated?

It's the pride flag that includes, I think it's the transgender community organizations and individuals. It's light blue, pink, and white. Yeah, but then there's brown and black. It looks like the South Africa flag, kind of. Yeah, it's an incredibly inclusive okay yeah i don't know what the brown one is yeah i was i couldn't bring myself to tweet this because it's it's uh crass but when i was on the coast with my mother there was a

a flag store that had every you know blue light all of them they had all the flags and one of them had a green and a purple stripe on it and it's like you know joker lives matter obviously is what i was thinking but that's rude to say but the green and the purple are like first first responders maybe oh boy oh so they're doing that like the thin blue line thing oh is that back in the blue it's i don't it's the every well didn't we look this up once every single color now means something like there's the firefighters lives matter and all the things where you're like nobody's nobody was ever saying that they didn't no nobody's out here being like firefighters are

murdering people that's even razzcast didn't have like a fuck the firefighter song or something like that there wasn't like no no one like, first responders lives don't... Dude. Yeah, anyway. Dude, like, fuck paramedics. That's what I'm saying. We got to get behind paramedics, dude. These fucking Antifa motherfuckers are ramming ambulances. Firefighters are red. Yeah, makes sense.

Red lives matter. Fire's red. The Joker is green and purple purple so that was a you know it was a twisted ass flag bro but yeah i just think that the one the all-inclusive like the everyone the one that would twist my uncle's brain into a knot you know if you looked at it and you'd be like what you're like it's just stop just let it be and it's pretty i think it's called the progress pride flag if nothing else it's it's pretty so what's wrong with a pretty flag not a goddamn thing not a god not a goddamn

thing yeah that's very nice encapsulate the the the greater fight for lgbtqia plus rights and and yeah yeah there we go all right all right uh and third i want to go i want to go back to what i was doing do it i'm not sure so we should go back i mean fucking yeah like it is who cares man joking around about it but like it is so the i think the ukraine thing just like distracted but like that fucking law in texas fuck man yeah holy shit that's fucking bad yeah it's really scary yeah i don't understand how people somehow don't i it's like people back home don't even know about that or something or they don't care they're like well whatever it's like no that's horrible that's horror it's horrifying it's like you're you go like they're putting people on lists

you're like a child like just god awful and hopefully the saner minds will prevail in texas i hope so if you're in texas fucking now's a great time i mean every you know if you're anywhere now is a great time to speak up but especially now good time to not sit on the sidelines easy for me to say i don't know what the fuck i'm saying it's just horrible i don't know what you're saying i got you yeah you're uh yeah well all right third pick um put an iphone in there oh yeah yeah i was gonna do that throw the throw the phone in there it's took my mom to get a new phone took my mom to get a new phone and i man i wish you guys would have been there.

So she's picking out a case. And in my mind, I'm like, there's these clear, or not clear, but there's a solid colored case right here. It's got an apple on it. It's the case I would go for. Then I looked over and there's a case that looked like a fucking glitter bomb just was exploded and made a cell phone case. And she went straight for it. It was like the trashiest thing you could have picked in that whole store i'm like man i love you her with her

blue hair and her pierced nose she's a flashy she's a flashy lady yeah it was so tight because she grabs she goes oh this is pretty i go it's your day you get that case and she goes oh yeah first of all she's like it's so i can't it's so expensive it's 60 bucks i mean cases are that's what they're cost and i go yeah cases are good ones you uh you know you're gonna i got to buy it all for and you know i got to do that because of this show so everybody that listens to this show you got my mom that horrible cell phone case and a new phone you keep saying that shit like we don't know you're not like we don't know you're selling counterfeit pokemon cards dude like we know where you're

getting the money from i don't sell counter i steal the patreon's great it's we really appreciate the support don't get me wrong like thank you so much everyone we really appreciate you holding us down like that sean is counterfeiting and selling pokemon cards i steal real pokemon cards from my cousins and i sell those they stole some and then i wait till they go get more somehow all right like you stole some pokemon cards and the sopranos yeah do they really yeah what that's right yeah they're gonna watch it sean all right all right pokemon's been around since we were in like middle grade school dude yeah dude i suppose yeah that shit started when i was like in fifth sixth grade i feel i'm

older though so i was in high school right i was doing i was doing real shit yeah it's been around a long time it's like one of those things like south park where like time there's this idea of the slow cancellation of the future you know about this no where like hey like we they were like ages right like the 70s and the not in the 80s the 60s the 50s all feel like distinct eras right the slow cancellation of the future is that like with everything available all the time that like that's why like when you think like 1970 to 1990 seems like an insane amount of time right like and the world is so different but from like 2002 to now it does not seem that different you know what i mean it seems the same pretty i mean isn't

that just us getting older too rappers are weirder i think that's us getting older is part of it but it's also like a like it's part of the internet making like everything available at the same time yeah right has like yeah it's weird man that is uh iphone yeah dude shot the old iphone in it uh david tomfrey's third pick wow i think i'm i think i this is where it kind of gets squirrely for me. Cause I got like some personal ones, but I got some general ones that would make me really think of the time. This is weird, but I'm going to say I would put some Crocs in there. That's you have Crocs, don't you?

I got two pairs. Uh, no, it's Crocs are weird though, because they're like this thing that started out super niche and now there's like no lines. Like, I've seen like cool young kids wearing them. And then you see like old dads wearing them. They have the clueless Crocs that just came out. I think we're like yellow plaid. It's like a really interesting movement where it's not like based in any one group of people.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's's like it's really interesting it's really interesting to me crocs feel like to me they're like pj tucker they're like a player that had to go play in europe for a while right right they were like oh wait a minute this guy's actually got game let's bring him over to the big leagues and now like and now you could wear crocs were a punchline. Still, to a lot of people, they're a huge punchline.

But they're also cool. Yeah. See, a lot of young kids, young people, cool people at airports wearing Crocs. Yeah. Yeah. It's really weird. I was watching some comedy video from New York the other day, and there was just some 17-year-old kid wearing Crocs. It's just very... It's got a hold of all

of us. Yeah. It doesn't, it's not a hold of me yet. I don't, I don't like them. You don't like Crocs? I don't like them. I don't, I don't, whatever. It's, I'm not.

What are you sitting like that for? I'm in a hotel bed, man. And I had to turn the air off because it's fucking makes noise. So I'm all all i don't like him get him out of here you'd have to style him up dude we'd have to style him up on you where are they putting the laces they don't have laces my friend i need laces or lasix what do i need lasix is that what i need i can't see shit. You're going to be a great grandpa.

Yeah, it's going to be fantastic. I wish we could fast forward to that. If I'm a great grandpa, I'll be 130 or something. I'm 40, bro. She's, you know, I'm going to be 58 when she graduates. You're going to be a great grandfather is what he was saying, I think. Yeah, but you could still probably have like 20, 30 years after that. Well, if she's a jib off the old block, I might. Yeah, if she could still probably have like 20, 30 years after that. Well, she's, if she's a chip off the old block, I might.

Yeah. She's, she's out there getting it when she's 13. Maybe. No, I didn't. I'm not. I don't like that.

We keep going back. You were saying you might live another. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. Okay. Nobody's trying to put that out there on you.

And just goes, my god crocs dude you have to style them up you either you know what i mean you gotta like you can't throw them on with maybe loose skating pants yeah listen i'm not like taking them to go out for real. Yeah. You know, it's like Aaron clothes, man. Speaking of Aaron, did you see that tweet he put up the other day where Rob Pattinson was at the Batman premiere and Aaron said, Rob's out here dressed like he got drafted by the nuggets in 2002. I was dying in the airport.

Well, I retweeted it twice and I DM him. It was the funniest. Robert Pattinson's got this suit on that is huge dude he looks like such a dipshit and he's not a dipshit i like that dude but it is it is crazy what the kids are wearing right now he's not a dipshit but he's an interesting guy oh yeah i was watching all those all-star weekend like fits and i was like i don't even i know i couldn't even put this if I knew, I don't know what's going on. Here's the thing with fashion too, about the slow cancellation of the future. Everything's happening all at the same time too.

Yeah. Well, it's all cool now. Like I feel like Drake could show up in some joggers and Air Max is going to be just fine still. Or you get Robert Pattinson in a suit. It's way too big it looks like he's broke and he bought it at goodwill because he had to have a suit for the fucking premiere i mean it's but it's it's all fashion all looks good according to tastemakers i guess strange world dude yeah it's a strange freaking world yeah Yeah. Oh, that is a, yeah. It looks like he wants to learn to sing R and B. No, I mean,

it looks like he got drafted by the nuggets in 2002. I, I mean, it's, I might be the funniest tweet I've ever seen in my whole life. It's time for my third pick. It's so funny. Shout to Aaron Edwards.

Time for my third and fourth picks as it is. Uh, with my third pick i'm going a little meta here i'm going again uh i'm taking a a bottle of aviation gin which is ryan reynolds's gin company as a totem of like again like celebrity culture right now i guess i i got a little bit with like rudy giuliani like doing the you know the mass singer but like just the what like what entertainment and media has become you know what i mean like where it's like movies get made to bolster the fame of these stars who then sell a hundred million dollar gin companies or like baby goods companies or like whatever the fuck it is they're all doing where it does like in a lot

of ways feel like i i like i like ryan reynolds in movies like i enjoy it like in deadpool or whatever it's fun i had a good time. I'm sure I haven't seen free guy yet. I'm sure I would enjoy it. I enjoy Ryan Reynolds's presence in movies. His presence as a movie star depresses me so fucking much. So fucking much. Like, thank God for Bradley Cooper doing like something different and at least

like trying to make interesting movies. I don't think Ryan Reynolds gives a fuck about making movies at all i think ryan reynolds just wants to sell gin and mint mobile phones and like whatever the fuck else he's like interested in have i ranted about this on the podcast before no go off yeah i love it i just it just fucking bums me It's like he's in some of the biggest movies around and then just uses that to sell other shit. Like it doesn't even like, you know what I mean? Like write fucking, like use it to make other movies. Use that like cachet to make other projects you're interested in

or other shit like that. But it just feels like he's completely using all the cachet and goodwill to like sell a gin company so he can become a billionaire and it's like fuck man that sucks at least george clooney made a bunch of good movies before he like yeah did casamigos you know what i mean and i don't think he thought it was going to be as big as it got it's just it's just a bummer i just hate it and that's why i put the aviation gin in there damn yeah that's i'm with you you put some thought in i'll hate it and that's why i put the aviation gin in there damn yeah that's i'm with you you put some thought in i'll tell you that that is deeper than anything i know it is true it's a weird it's a weird thing and ryan reynolds has made one type of movie

except for definitely maybe i love definitely maybe that's a romantic comedy i've never seen that movie god damn it's good but he's because he's a little softer he's not like a wacky slapstick plus i love van wilder too anyway he just makes like the same and you get that feeling where you're like you just it's like a job this isn't fun it's like your job he was never that funny to me i think he's hilarious i always have i think he's fun kind of funny but he's like it's like a guy you ever know guys who are funny but you're like you know the rhythm of it yeah you don't i don't think that you yeah like i don't think that talking to him he would be funny yeah he's never been able to lose his accent you know what i mean like he's not yeah yeah exactly

he speaks funny but you're not from but he's not from here exactly which is like kind of how you have to be able to be a movie star like you know what i mean it's like more of a charm thing than like oh that guy said that hilarious thing anyways yeah i'm with it yeah dude so my fourth pick is going to be some bougie weed gummies yeah that is of the time you know like those like you get them and there's like it's a weird fruit that it tastes like it's like passion elderberry elderberry like something like that and they're good you know they taste good and they get you stoned but it's like it's a it's definitely very now it's very like the last like three four years where it's like because it's the intersection of bespoke like artisan culture and drugs and like like i'm i'm a cat i guess i'm a capitalist i think there's problems with it but like it's like hyper capital you know capitalism where it's like oh it's legal now a couple years later we had like

fuck now it was like weed stores look like apple stores yeah gummies are like are like flavored like expensive candy you get like the candy you buy at nordstrom's like that kind of you know what i mean they immediately marketed it to rich people immediately and immediately it was okay and i think it's like can you taste it like when can you taste any kind of weed or anything or not not at all? It just tastes like a gummy. I still can, mostly. Yeah, you taste weed. Oh, you do? Oh, yeah.

I can, yeah. Okay. That seems gross. Is it gross? It's not that great. I don't think it's as good as... I don't... Everybody eating edibles is like...

It's like when we were all doing comedy outside, pretending that was cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where you're like, but this isn't... It's like not that great. We don't want to be doing this, but we will do it. It's it it's not as good yeah it's not as good i'd rather be in the

building not in the parking lot like sour patch kids taste better than any edible gummy there's ever doing the worst gummy like like the worst well no not that i did not say i did not say sour patch candy patch popcorn i mean you should put that in there you're saying pigs yeah for sure if it was if it was any good any good i would it is not i i if if you don't like it i don't know who it's for i don't know who it's for yeah no i'm with you i yeah i have no idea who who they made it but i think it's like they made it because they could but they're like i don't know yeah let's just do it this is gonna sound like a stand-up bit but do you remember when you just went somewhere and bought weed and it was just weed

like you went to a guy's house you had the weed like let me get some weed kind bud maybe like yeah it was he never had other kinds of weed he he just had the weed yeah there wasn't a choice yeah it's like too much though it's like a lot i remember stems and seeds and shit and you tell kids about that now and they have no idea what you what you mean oh they never knew about buying a quarter ounce and being like let's just go through it first and get all the stems and seeds out now yes and then we'll just be able to not even worry about it so you had to go with scissors or some shit we smoked him back in the day you run out of weed you run out of the weed and you're like i mean smoke the stem i guess it's there the seeds would pop when you smoked them yeah oh yeah i remember this girl i'm not gonna say her name but in high school she's she would like call herself

the resin queen and she would just be smoking resin all the time did you remember the first time you saw someone doing a knife hit i thought they were killed oh yeah i thought they were criminals i don't know what was going on they were sean i mean you have it not it looked like it looked like so illegal there's butter knives and gloves and a hollowed out pen and like all this shit and a ball of resin that looks like little poop it doesn't look like weed at all you're like it looks like it's black it's all bad yeah that's dope the stove is on too with like the hot stove with nothing on it you're like oh my god just heating up knives dude it's all bad they're like yeah it's dank and i'm like or do you see when people did it would do it with two knives and then they would touch them to each other yeah that's what and do

it on the stove get some gloves two knives press it the smoke would come out and then a second person would get the hit because they would have to suck the smoke with the pen so the person heating it up usually didn't even get the hit yeah it's the worst it's insane so knife hits ian took my hands i took knife hits i took two burnt butter knives uh but the kind you know that i'm thinking specifically i don't know the brand but like the box opens like a geodastic dome you know those yeah i've seen that i've seen i've never had i've seen the pictures i would go with zach to santa monica i thought it was fun we'd go late at night i'd be like sure it's fun driving in LA when there's no traffic. And then we'd go to this weed guy.

And it was like, it was like we were buying a wedding ring or something. It was nice. Nice shit. Nice drawers. Like everything's displayed really well. The dude was so smart. And like weed dealers, they're not like dipshits anymore. They're not like old guys that hang out with young kids there.

It's a career because yeah it's business now like anything else i'm into it we dude uh that's my fourth pick david time for your fourth pick my fourth pick is going to be a current issue of the denver westward it's like the same thing as like the la weekly the ssa i forgot it's like one of those like it seems like people aren't reading the newspaper anymore it's see it does feel like people are still reading these things i picked one up recently and it is just like a good aggregate of what's going on in your city at that time it's like very timely it seems like it's kind of the last of its kind of thing and like i don't think we're gonna have i don't know if we're gonna have stuff like that

or i mean they probably always will but it just feels like something that's so specific like there's not a lot of that anymore i hope i wouldn't have my career the way it is if it weren't for alt weeklies dude that was like such a huge part of like getting it's it's such a huge part of like the i don't know what is there now and i like in denver at least and it's probably westward and in portland we still have the mercury but like it was like a cultural ecosystem like those places would write about upcoming bands and comedians before big yeah places would ever do that first time i ever got acknowledged about having a career yeah being on shows that were in that was like so big so big to me you know people would see it

they'd see the mercury pick of the week and then they'd be like all right i'm gonna go you know and that helped our show out so much when we were in portland so much it was like funny over everything it is yeah yeah yeah it's just like yeah it's just like a really and it's like a really warm memory for me of like me personally having come up through you know what i mean it started where you would be like a byline yeah and then for me it would be like oh high planes is happening david borey's coming back and then it would be like now my show's in the back and then like we just got we got a little article for it for faded and now it's like they're doing interviews with me it's just like i feel like

i've grown with it and it's like real really just like really special to me it's the fucking best and they have like this is where you're going to find out about cool new restaurants and other cool bands other cool shows like interesting people in your neighbor it's man i hope those don't go away i hope the i hope all weekly newspapers just stick around but if not i hope that energy i think kids are again i think the kids are like starting to latch on a little bit more to those again i think people around our age we're letting them die a little bit and i think the kids are not i think they're into that stuff. I hope so.

I got a lot of faith in the kids. I really do. It's always the kids that keep those going. Yeah, we're just not the kids anymore. No, no, I'm definitely not the kids. You got the kids. I got the kids. I got the juice, dude.

Watch your fucking back, David. We're in the same town. Oh, damn. You come over whenever you want i'm at south street you live at six nine six nine south 420 back in the day when tory had a pager we just page him like 69 16 yeah and i just laugh that's such a long joke because you just know he's somewhere and he stopped and like oh 69 i 69 one time and it was like even doing it i was like this is so stupid the actual act yeah we did it once horrible yeah so it's like it's just like a lot is going on the only people who had fun doing that were like when when iman did

or like when uh grace jones dated dolph lundgren they could do oh i bet they 69 also uh flavor flavor brigitte nielsen yeah they for sure 69 they're like the dark side of that court oh that's the decline of western civilization is that we went from dolph lundgren and grace jones to flavor flavor brigitte nielsen what a wild you remember the flavor of love when uh was it new york shit her pants when she was getting a fight or whatever that show no i never watched that wait i don't know if that's how i don't know if that's how that story went she'd shit her pants she shit maybe mixing two things up but she shit her pants at some point i love new york did on yeah but it was when she was before i love new york was when she was on flavor of love oh yeah those shows were the there's a new one out it's it's like

a recycled version of an old one called temptation island which oh yeah even as a the there's a new one out it's it's like a recycled version of an old one called temptation island which oh yeah even as a kid i was in high school and we used to have parties i'm like this is so ruthless what they're doing but they just basically try to get you to cheat on your partner and that's crazy that sucks so bad but we would just watch it yeah it's awful yeah i mean can i can i announce the thing i'm going to start doing yeah where'd david go i just probably come to the hotel he wants to handle it he's probably coming to handle it i don't know he gave us the finger and then not the middle finger but the the hold on so i have to pee too let's just uh take a oh you know what hey hey hey for god's sake we're gonna take our second break and we'll be back right after

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code ALLFANTASY. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy. Everything already in progress. We're just having a great time here. I want to I'm going to start doing something and I'm just going to announce it. I'm going to start doing something and I'm just going to announce it. I'm going to start co-opting short King.

Wait, hold on a second. What's happening? What's short King? I've decided I'm just going to start referring to myself. I'm going to start calling myself a short King. I'm going to say I'm doing it for the short Kings. I don't know if it's going to, I don't know if you want those problems, dude. I'm out here.

I'm living life. I'm sure I'm proving people that short kings can be on tv no cap dude i'm caping for the short kings i'm putting it on for the short kings i don't like this i think this is a bad idea oh no these are facts david you gotta you gotta be out there caping for the short this is not gonna go the way that any of us wanted to king short the short king mafia is is aggressive we are yeah yes we are i wanted to be known i'm not in we are aggressive yeah the three the three of us are out here riding for the short kings all three as a mid-sized king my height is exactly average i don't know anything about this we're out here yeah you squeak squeak squeak on him did you just describe this did you just decide this in the bathroom

yeah he was looking at his bad dude he's like i'm a short king that's not what happened you're so tall you are tall are you like six four six three i'm six three but that doesn't matter anyone could be a short king no i don't think so get a shirt that says short king on it i'm a short king see how it goes oh man you're not gonna this is not good this is not good get a shirt that says short king on it yeah yeah yeah pretty much have to try it out in the neighborhood don't like go did work with it at first glendale and try it out see the neighborhood don't like go to work with it at first glendale and try it out see what time see what time that is oh those short kings they're doing a different they have a different culture over there that guy that's a buck or what

do you say kill all child molesters his shirt at the gym you're like you're like i i can't say i don't agree mostly with what you're saying i don't know if we should murder all of them, but lock them up. To wear it, to be like, I dare someone to disagree with me. It's just such a move. Not a short king move at all. Well, I'll be the one to decide that.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop to announce that. I like it. Let's see how it goes okay bro i like it uh copy the denver westward is sean jordan time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is tell me if this is too close uh to your pick ian but could i put lacroix in there fizzy water yeah i think so that's not i mean there's no alcohol. It's like the same. It's just in the last probably three years, but I'd swear to God, I never, ever saw that stuff.

I saw Claire Brune back in the day, but it was all like flavored mineral water. It was like clearly Canadian and shit. And then when I was, when we were living together and you would get LaCroix, I'm like, hmm, I had no idea what it was. And people will just hammer through them and everybody loves fizzy water it's

everywhere it's all over the place a lot of them it's yeah it's yeah it's fantastic too by the way because it feels like drinking soda but it's not drinking soda it grew on me i like it now yeah i do too soda's too sweet anyways it's way too it's way too sweet i shit you not i have a coke an open coke and an untouched uh chai sitting over there because i'm in theory i wanted them but i'm like nope and a bag of cookies right next to it it's all got too much sugar but i wanted man you were just like i should have seen what i ate last night when i got back to the hotel they don't there's no food around here so i had pop tarts a bag of skittles a little mini bag of chips ahoy and a little thing of pringles did you have to

raid that like downstairs lobby pantry thing they got? That never goes the way you want it to. I have executed some life-saving maneuvers down at that little area. Not good, but life-saving. I'll say this, and I don't think I'm exaggerating. you know life-saving i'll say this and i i don't think i'm exaggerating i have in in the last five years if you take where i have gotten the buckest it has been in denver not in portland not in not in sioux falls whenever i'm in denver and i some of it has to do with the altitude i'm sure but this it just hits this town is this town is you got to be built for it man it's uh it can go really gnarly if you want it to

anyway i've gotten i've i everybody has i've hit my ceiling in denver so like i and in portland but more often like the percentage of times i'm in denver right you know what i mean it's like i'm like we're doing this in denver again? Like in Portland, it's like once every so often. Denver goes hard. Aliza Carmel's moving to Denver. I know. No way. Oh, cool.

She'll love it. For one year. Just for a year? Yeah. She's going to like it. It's great. It's really great. I'm stoked.

I'm like, another reason to go to Denver. I love it. Exactly. Yeah. That and the Rockies. You really like the Rockies. I'm a big Colorado Rockies denver i love it yeah exactly yeah that and the rockies you like you really like the rock i'm a big colorado rockies fan i love nolan aronado they got they got good deals on box seats right now that's what i did for my birthday last year you don't think i know that dude i got i got a fucking box for me and the short kings dude like it's just

it's just a box for me and any other short kings want to get in on like seeing the rockies play dude i don't know if i talked to ian today he's on that short king tip pretty hard right now so check this out when i was in minneapolis the vikings mascot came and hung out that's what you said that tight it's just one of those funny things no not in the outfit that could have been anybody you've had some wild nights some weird nights sean i was thinking about that night we got all drunk with cassandre teagues that was that was the last night before covid really yeah that was right before i came like they were just about to shut down washington that was the next day we went to montage uh i politely removed myself from the table and barfed it was me you helen and smith and i was like went in and

barfed and i sat back down i go i think i'll be going home after this there was a table there was people man i was doing a show in portland the other night this happened again there were just two people cold making out like they were about to have sex like they just got back to the room and this was the beginning of their sex it was crazy and then after i got done they told me that how much they loved the show like this was they wait where was this happening that was like a week ago or two weeks ago we're doing stand-up and they were making out yes that's on you dude that's you that's the sultry nature of your comedy yeah that's the smooth stylings of sean jordan you're fucking you're sexy dude like how long have i been telling you

you're sexy for a long time people love grinding to your voice yeah you're like the shot shot a stand no cap preach bro have you ever had any a all family everything people tell you that they've like done it to your voice and you're like whoa yeah didn't that one person tell us yeah it's happened a few times don't have sex to this all right yeah ian's right that's not the move just turn it off do that do that favor for us and do that favor for yourself have a little more self-respect than having sex to our voices

yeah i couldn't finish or start to this if you need no way i just couldn't be on in the middle i could finish to a lot of stuff starting is the hard part this is not a podcast i could have sex too but certainly not this one no way i don't even watch comedy central i'm not watching well that would be very weird that would be fucked up has that happened like it was just on in the hotel and you got back and didn't turn it off and then all of a sudden it's like work well you're not workaholics has not been on the air for 10 years but like whatever they're still running episodes okay great yeah yeah okay no i i'm pretty conscious of not i don't really put it on like i hate when i have to go to paramount plus to watch something because i'm a guy

oh yeah it's yeah so it hasn't happened i hope it doesn't happen i don't want to be that guy i just don't want to have to like when all is said and done i don't want to be that guy. I just don't want to have to like, when all is said and done, I don't want to have to raise my hand and be like, yeah, I've done that before. Yeah. Same.

This feels weird. Yeah. You're out. You're on TV a lot. You don't like, you can't, can't be doing that. I jack off to our podcast.

Yeah. That's different though. That's different. I like to play Shane's album. Of course. Established in 1984. Nope. One.

Oh, yeah, that's right. He's an old man. Established in 1981. LaCroix. And your final pick? I'm going to pick wireless earbuds. Oh, very nice. Like some AirPods. Yeah, like some AirPods. I think those are... I don't know. yeah like some airpods i think those are i don't

know who knows what it's going to be in 60 years if we'll just be able to listen like just hear music without having anything in our ears i don't know i'm very interested but you know those i'll tell you what also i'm a little too old for those they're great i thought i didn't think i was on board either i dana got me a pair i love them really they do stay in they stay in i didn't think they would stay in they stay in i get worried i'm gonna lose them no no because you because they come in that little you put you take them out and then you put them in that little flukunk a little like yeah flukunk and it's just it's you know you're good yeah airpods excellent pick bro uh david your final pick uh my final pick because i think that this is like this is the beginning of like this thing is going to be like

in every home like i think it's really going to change everything but it's not quite there yet i'm taking a 3d printer oh yeah like it seems like once that gets figured out it's gonna change the nature of a lot of things yeah you can make guns yeah you can the one time i got caught stealing i didn't get caught i got snitched on stealing a gun look at how weird my legs look don't they look like different person's legs right now it looks like somebody else is doing that sorry erin out my thighs like that but like no i i stole a cap gun from lewis and i was gonna paint the red tip black so it looked like a real gun and my aunt told on me and my mom she was like it's not really about the stealing it's about what

and why you were stealing that it's like yeah that's a good good point i gotcha and you were like mom they're trying to test me out here at the you don't have to walk by the same playground i do every day yeah i'm out here 10 toes down in these purple boats every day oh yeah 3d printer man 3d printer great pick very nice uh time for my final pick and i oh man i think i'm gonna put an applebee's menu in there hey yeah let's hold on to it yeah damn let's hold on to it it's not all bad times right now things are still good you know you can go to applebee's you can take your you can take you and your special lady out for a dinner you know for 23 bucks still or whatever that was on as i took my mom and sister out she goes applebee's or famous dave's it was a tough call but famous dave's edged out

applebee's really i like the devil's spit, man. What do you want to do? Is that what you call barbecue? Devil's spit? What is that? That's the hottest hot sauce they got. Oh, okay. I thought it was like spit, like spit roasting.

Yeah, I didn't understand. It's fine. You know, you're being very familiar with the famous Dave's lingua franca you know what spit roasting is right yeah alright come on man we're on the fifth pick dude yeah

come on dude that's just the real heads are still listening that's how you're treating them oh I love it what if people just like if there's any people who just get off who like listen to every episode but just around the third pick they're like all right that'll do it i got it yeah gotta see where they're going can i make barista's pick for you oh i haven't picked yet oh i thought you did oh wait i did apple base yeah oh yeah never mind i'm a real real pill

you picked a spit roast. It's not classy. You're classier than that. I don't know, man. Denver does something. I'm on the 17th floor. Nothing classy up here. That's true, dude.

You're already in Denver. Now the air's only getting thinner the higher up you go, dude. I know. I need to go another mile high up there, dude. You're in one of the highest buildings in America right now. Sure am. You really are. Because what's the tallest building in denver probably i have no i mean imagine there's a 50-story building or whatever it's a big city i think it used to be the qualcomm but i think that's old i don't really know i don't know the tallest building because like if you're in the top floor of the tallest building in denver you're in one of the

tallest but you're in you're out there it's a 56th floor of the republic plaza so you know you're in the top floor of the tallest building in denver you're in one of the tallest but you're you're out there it's a 56th floor of the republic plaza so you know you're not far off tight yeah that's cool yeah marissa you have a pick uh what's your pick gonna be marissa oh house about that's terrible that's the worst that's the worst marissa tim hortons no i think she'd pick VR goggles. No, Marissa would probably put something to do with the trucker convoy that she's a part of. That big Ottawa trucker convoy. That's where Marissa is, by the way, right now. That is where she is.

Sorry, guys. We forgot. We should have said, we're recording this one without Marissa. She is actively in that big Canadian trucker convoy. Yeah. Come over, Canadian 187. That's her handle,er convoy. Yeah. Come over, Canadian 187. That's your handle.

Canadian 187. Yeah. Putin, Putin. She's Putin Trudeau in his place. You know, that's her. She's been saying that a lot.

That's amazing. Hitting up the group text. I wouldn't have even put that out for the world. You should have saved that for something. Yeah. Anyway, good luck, Marissa.

I don't even, I'm not even a hundred percent clear on what you guys are against. I haven't looked into that story as much, but whatever is we're we're with you yeah and your cdl good job yeah uh but yes you probably would take like an oculus rift or something like that whatever the cool one is whatever the kids are doing i don't know i don't know she's she's way cooler than us i have no idea which one Do you see she's taking bo staff lessons? Of course she is, dude. She's fucking awesome. I know.

I didn't even know that was an option of lessons that you could get. I'm going to have to get VR saber beat chucks or something and have to have to throw down with her. Dude, if Sean is nunchucks and she's the bo staff, guys got you and i gotta pick swords and size which one do you want short kings gotta go with the size size don't matter to you size worries me because they just feel like forks to me yeah it's just like we're eating spaghetti i'm the side guy yeah i mean they're better in a swords to plowshare situation for sure i what do you which one do you want i don't know i don't know me either size are mainly defensive i'll tell you that i love rafael growing up so i would happily go size all right i'll go i'll go

swords all right it's what that leonardo yeah you're nardo yeah that's a good one this is all yeah that's kind of i'm sassy you know so i'm kind of raphael you're you're cool you're the leader you're you're leonardo raf raf is a real emotional he's a real like i thought raf raf's a hothead right or is that just the movies yeah michelangelo's real chilled out that's like you raf's like the toughest one donatello is the scientist donatello is the scientist wow for real that's who we would be as ninja turtles that's very funny that's pretty accurate amazing cool raf's the leader though right no uh leonardo i think nardo's the leader oh but raf's the toughest raf's just the most emotional so he'll act but like i don't think

leonardo could beat up rafael you mean if they were just fist fighting it'd be a real it's a it's a rock paper scissors situation with the ninja turtles i think well david nobody wins a fight so i don't think you're gonna get the answer you're looking for but it's broken from the best cooler in the biz yeah dude i might watch that tonight have i shown dana that movie i think i have i hope that you did to do that. I hope that's how your night goes. We watched Master and Commander last night, and she loved it, so I'm on a hot streak.

Oh, yeah, you got to come solid back to back. I got a blank check in this house right now. Oh, you should show her blank check. Yeah. That she read? No, no. Blank check. Those were our picks.

To recap, Sean, you went first. You took a phone book, a Progress Pride flag, an iPhone, LaCroix, and AirPods. David, you went second. You took a vaccine card, a MAGA hat, Crocs, the Denver Westwood, and a 3D printer. What if that's all I left in a hotel room? You had to figure out. We drafted, once again, what is currently in the passenger seat of our car. David, get back here. Nobody took a mask now that I'm thinking about it.

Oh, man. I took a hard Mountain Dew, the costume Rudy Giuliani wore on The Masked Singer, a bottle of aviation gin, some bougie weed gummies, and an Applebee's menu. That is what's on the passenger seat of your car right now. Somebody should have, none of us picked a mask. That's wild. We didn't. We left it on the board. I didn't even think about it. I could have easily slid that in in place of a phone

book, but I didn't, did I? No, that's fine. You like phone books. I didn't really have a lot of extra picks. I had like Oakley's. Me either. I got everything i wanted google nest would have been one or like i wanted to do i wanted to do a white claw and then i wanted i had one that you had done sean that i was thinking of doing you can do a white claw dude go crack one it's too late now you got a house no i'm drinking water david has a special shout out

that has to get done right i do have a special shout out. You made it to the end. Karen Wachtel. Yeah. I know that you're listening. Will you be Jesse's maid of honor? Aw. She asked me to ask you on the podcast. And if you say no, it would be very rude.

But I think you're going to say yes. Yeah, I do too. Yeah. Karen gave me a ride back to the hotel last night. She's amazing. Yeah, I guess let Jesse know. Or let everyone know how it went yeah the wedding is in bolivia in july is that right it's in la paz i know nothing about that well david's got a bullet train that goes straight there yeah david's bullet bolivia train i like that i got a bullet train like i built my own i built my own tracks proud of you man even if it does go to Bolivia. Yeah, independently financed bullet train.

That's wealth, dude. That's awesome. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. That's an email address there. Now you understand that. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you so much for holding us down. Everyone the afc just slackety the afc subreddit

shout out to frankie ocean oh shout out to super producer marissa hell yeah just up there on those frozen highways you know and byways and byways letting trudeau know that he's not a fucking dictator all right trudeau you got to go all right you remember the people are his boss and marissa's one of those people uh shout out to sid the dude shut the haji beats are more important than all of that tune in again next week to another did i say shout to say sue carmel i think so you just did double shout out i love you Carmel? I think so. You just did. Double shout out. I love you, Mama.

Tune in next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shakakity! that was a hate gun podcast