All Fantasy Everything - Things We Believed In As A Child (w/ Marcella Arguello, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

It's pretty obvious that none of us want to grow up, but it just has to happen. With that in mind, there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking about your childhood! That's why this week we decided to draft "Things We Believed In As A Child!" So go get your special blankie, build a fort, and open those ears up for another fun filled draft with the GVG. David's brother & world class athlete, Martin, joins us. Also, Sean tries really hard to befriend Marcella.Texas! All Fantasy Everything is coming to you live April 9-11 in Dallas, Houston and Austin. Get tickets at headgum.com/live.Episode Guest: Marcella Arguello @marcellacomedy IG: marcellacomedySupport the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Merch: T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. What's up, all family, everything? As you know by now, we are hitting the road in April. We're headed to Texas for three dates, and tickets are available now. On the 9th of April, we will be at the Sons of Herman Hall in Dallas, Texas. Get your tickets. The next day, the 10th of April, we will be in Houston, Texas at the Secret Group. It's an amazing venue. So much fun. Get your tickets now. And then the 11th of April, the final date of the Texas Mini Tour, we will be in Austin, Texas, the site of me getting red wine barf splashed onto the back of my calf from Sean Jordan

at the parish. Tickets for that one are going very quick, so make sure you cop them. We're going to have amazing guests at all three of the shows. Some surprises we can't talk about yet. Probably Belly's full of queso. We're going to have a list of sort of grill distribution things going on. I mean, what else? What else is there? Oh, I didn't know we could go on.

Yo, if you guys are worried about producers all in the video, come to Austin. Yeah. Or if you're not, come to Austin. I just want you to buy tickets. Pro producers, anti-producers, we'll see you in Texas. I'm going to be wearing a crazy hat.

Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that just seamlessly transitioned from an advertisement for our tour to the intro to this podcast. That was nice. Yeah, it was. I've been feeling good lately.

I don't know what it is. I switched from weed gummies to weed mints and I don't know. Yeah, you do know what it is. I think that might be what it is. I recently switched from blunts to joints and realized I was getting too high. Don't tell mom. I'm going to grow up every day. Don't tell mom that you

switched away from the blunts to joints. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't tell her. She thinks I'm on a hard five swishers a day. She thinks I'm on your fucking blood. David, it doesn't smell like grape in here for some reason. I wouldn't hate to disappoint her.

You're grounded. It needs to smell like hard cherry or grape in here. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, it's good to be in the same room as everybody. Yeah, it's been a while. You can talk whenever Marcelo wants. It's not one of those.

Okay. But yeah, anyway. Not that enticing. I've been waiting for a reason to talk. You have not provided me one. I just, yeah. It was fun. I got up at four today.

Yeah. From Portland. Oh, my God. And chilled. Watched a little Narcos. Some high fidelity. Shout out to Solomon Gorgio. High fidelity.

I'm stoked on it. Getting very good ratings. Shout out to Zoe Kravitz too. Shout out to Zoe Kravitz. Shout out to Jason Momoa. Her stepdad. Her stepdad. That's got to be complicated.

Yeah, that's a complicated situation. Because it's so sexy and she's so sexy. That whole thing is sexy. That's a sexy fucking house. I feel like they're like desensitized to it. When you're that sexy, they're just like, yeah, she should be married to someone who's sexy. She's just like, yeah, that's my stepdad, I guess. They don't have anything to aspire to because they're already at the top.

Because her dad is sexy. I mean, sexier depending on who you talk to. Yeah, that's true. He's sexy. Let me grab a taste of him. Oh, yeah, extremely. He's sexier, in my opinion. Oh, I see.'s true. He's sexy. Let me grab a taste of him. Oh, yeah, extremely. He's sexier, in my opinion. Oh, I see.

Than Jason Momoa? Yes. I'll get on board with that. You know what she should really do to fuck people up is start fucking down. That'd be crazy. Maybe fat, dark-skinned comedians. That would be kind.

Right? Just really shake up this town. That'd have people on their heels in a big way. Nobody would know what to do. The power. The power. Like if Rihanna just came out and started fucking ugly dudes. That's not. No. She already has. Has she? Yeah, she does

fuck ugly dudes. Which one? Happy birthday, Rihanna, by the way. Yeah. It's Rihanna's birthday. Rihanna. I almost feel like she could like ugly dudes in a way where she's like yeah that guy's

fucking ugly yeah yeah she's a normal woman is that that is what normal women do ugly dudes

yeah absolutely are you kidding me I wouldn't know I just want to go on the record I mispronounced her name because I know it was Robin Senti I don't really know

the stage name stuff it's all just sort of a real relationship for the two of them for Robin and I. That's understandable. I just found out earlier this year she sings. Who? Robin. Oh, Rihanna? Her real name is Robin?

Yeah. I had no idea. Really? Yeah, no, I never knew this. Robin with a Y. Really? Her last name is Fenty. That's why her makeup line is called Fenty. You think you love someone, you know? We own a small boutique Barbadian canoe line together, which is kind of how our relationship started.

You're the first person who ever said that sentence. What is it? A small boutique Barbadian canoe line. Yeah, nobody's ever said that. Barbadian. It's a good line. It's a good line. It's a good line of work.

That's that kind of podcast, ultimately. The kind that's in business with Rihanna. Rihanna. Sorry, Robin. Happy birthday. Rihanna. Rihanna. Rihanna.

It's Rihanna. Longer than LeBron. That is a very... Play Rihanna. Siri? Siri. Xbox, play Rihanna. Siri.

Siri. What is this turning into? It's turning into... It's slowly me saying Siri But turning into like a windshield wiper going Siri Siri You can get there in your head I'm not going to fill in all the dots for you

You don't have to I think you need to Siri Siri Siri Siri Siri Siri Siri Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri, Siri.

Oh, sorry. Click. You sounded like Lil Wayne in there for a second and an old Jewish grandmother. I don't know if you know what Lil Wayne sounds like. One of those. It's just like the history of his lisp. Yeah. David Borey.

Hey. We're recording in the crib in the fortress. Fuck yeah, we are. Absolutely. I haven't seen you in forever. How are you? I'm doing good. My little brother's here.

Hey. Obviously, he won't shut the fuck up. That was awesome. World class athlete. He trained. World class athlete. We went and got fades together this morning. Hell yeah.

Been a great time. You're looking sharp. Yeah, I got a full barbershop experience. Yeah, and got fades together this morning. It's been a great time. Yeah, I got a full barbershop experience. Baby mama drama. Oh, shit. Oh, boy. His girl came in to the barbershop and brought him food and shit, but they haven't been together. And he was like, I don't like that shit.

It's too forward. And everybody's like, she's trying to fuck Mitch. I shouldn't say his name. Mitch? I thought you said bitch. name Mitch I thought you said bitch you said what you said you said bitch yeah I said bitch he said anyways I'm doing good man Mitch is not I've been hanging yeah

how'd the food look what how'd the food look which food oh it was from lemonade oh that's why everybody was like everybody was like oh and she's that's how you can tell it's like a broke bar. She's like, and she's getting you that fancy ass food. Lemonade's, it's not your fault. I don't know what it is.

I was going to say, it's not like, that's not food to seduce a man though. What is lemonade? I don't know what it is. It's food you need a production staff. On their 18th day of production and they're tired of having pizza. This one guy was saying, that's because she wants you around for a long time.

She's trying to get you to eat healthy. Oh. That's what I'm saying. She's just trying to get the money. I think he's already given her the money, though. I think they haven't been together for a long- But I'm saying for a long term. Long term.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably lemonade was the closest store on the way to where she was going. No, there's a 7-Eleven that sells perfectly adequate sandwiches. Maybe it was a Beyonce reference. Oh, it's even deeper than that. You never know. Yeah, you can't tell with these women. With these women.

He's Jose Loyal. Some of them are loyal. That's what we've been learning more and more. Some are loyal. More and more. What do you got coming up? Oh,ary 29th come see me headline the improv lab but i'm gonna do a bunch of new shit it's gonna be fun

february 29th saturday yeah saturday cool yeah yeah i'm excited about it have not sold many tickets so if you come yeah but week of it's week of week of yeah yeah yeah la come out you'll come out come out yeah and then come out. They'll come out. That's great. How much time are you doing? I'm probably going to be like 45. Nice. Yeah.

And then March 13th through 18th. I don't think I'm allowed to say that. May. He'll be sleeping. Yeah. I don't think it was stand-up that you were about to talk about, was it? Let him check his calendar. God, man. I know what you're about to talk about, was it? Let him check his calendar. God, man.

I know what you're about to talk about, and it's not stand-up. You guys got me in my fucking feelings now, dude. Just go to the improv. I'm all fucking flustered. You're the one signing NDAs and not respecting them. Okay. No. So, here.

On the dates of May. Man, now the Wi-Fi is not. Wi-Fi is bugging out. This is sad. Come on, man. What do now the Wi-Fi is not bugging out. This is sad. Come on, man. Do you need Wi-Fi for your Uber? April 16th through April 19th, I'm headlining Rooster Teeth Feathers. Okay. That was not worth it. That was not. Nobody's going to fucking come to Sunnyvale.

They can't even have dinner. Yeah. Is there no restaurant in that club? They got popcorn. They got popcorn. You know, I'm killing it, guys, though. All right. Roosters doesn't headline me, so congrats. You're headlining Rooster Teeth Brothers. That's great.

It's going to be delicious. BYO Beef. Bring your own beef to the show. Bring your hibachi, whatever you got to do. Bring all the beef. I want a bunch of people just there like, I hate Armenians. Oh, just like that kind of beef. I'm talking about of people just there like, I hate Armenians. Whoa! Just like that kind of beef.

I'm talking about beefs in general. They don't have to be... It doesn't have to be Armenians. Well, beef is not what Jay said to Nas. That's what we know. Yeah. That's what we've learned. Yeah, we know that.

Marcel Aguayo is also... Oh, wait. Did I say your fucking socials? Coolguyjokes77 on Instagram. The GSL on Twitter. Enough out of you. Let's do it. Way on the box.

Yeah. I like it because you do your own drop. Always. There it is. There it is. There it is. Well, I picked it up. Sweet.

It's at Marcella Comedy on Twitter. Yes. Also the same on Instagram. It's everywhere. Beautiful. Cross platform. Cross platform. How have you been Instagram? It's everywhere. Beautiful. Cross-platform. Cross-platform. How have you been doing?

I'm good. I'm good. I'm doing some dates sporadically because the Woke Bully tour fucked me up last year. So, like, I have a few dates here and there. It's long, right? It was really long. It was my first headlining tour and I was like, I like to sleep. Yeah.

That's sick, though. You were, like, coast to coast in two, right? Yeah, I was doing a lot. And, but it's like, I also learned like why so many comics have drug problems. Yeah. That's what being on the road taught me. I was like, oh yeah,

I see why people like want Coke and like want to be drinking every night. Just so they can like get it up again to like get on stage. Well, there's like boredom sets in and like just like being in a new town. Yeah, all of it. This would be fun if I felt like going out and getting fucked up. Yeah.

But otherwise you just sit in the hotel. Yeah. It's pretty, it's a lot. So, um, so this year I'm like, I'm,

I have dates here and there, March 8th. I'm in Sacramento punchline. Come see me there. And Phoenix at the bird city comedy festival and March 27th. And I'm all over April, May, June.

I got dates all over. Beautiful. People should go to your website and follow your socials. Yeah. It's all on there. At Marcella Comedy. 2L is Marsella. That bird city shit I heard was so fun last year. You went last year, right? Nope. I thought you did. Maloy? I don't know. Somebody.

I just heard it was super dope last year. All the comics had a blast. That's cool. Maybe we'll just go. Maybe I'll just go. I'm not allowed in Phoenix due to several allegations I've made on air. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Although I will be there next week. Let's talk a lot of shit about Phoenix. Wait, what happened?

I just talk a lot of shit about Phoenix. It's my least favorite American city. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just don't care for it. That's the first one night stand I had was in Phoenix. It wasn't real. Yeah, and it was outside of a hotel. Oh, my God.

I knew you were a trash bitch. outside of a hotel. Oh my God. Outside. I knew you were a trash bitch. Gave it up outside the Motel 6, didn't you? You want to know

what's funny about it? The reason I didn't go upstairs was, and the dude kept being like, come on, let's go upstairs. And I was all, no,

my friend's up there. I kept like, you know, my friend's up there. Yeah. And he was like, man, your friend,

you're not good friends. You can't, you should go and not be cool with it. And I was like, my friend's up there. It was my mother. Oh my God. My mother was in the hotel room.

Damn. I was going through a lot. It was a few months after my dad died. Savage by Fenty. No, I get it. Hot Phoenix Nights. Robin Fenty, yeah. Absolutely.

Damn, that's buck. I have had no one night stands in Phoenix. I have had no multiple night stands in Phoenix. I have had no multiple night stands in Phoenix. I don't care for it. I get in. I stay as long as I have to and I get out. It's hot. It's hot there.

Seems like you would be uncomfortable. I like hot, actually. Do you really? I do like hot. There's also AC everywhere inside, though. Yeah, but that heat outside is brutal. Yeah. I'm still waiting to see a different side of Phoenix.

I know it. Because I was waiting to see a different side of phoenix i know it because i was waiting to see a different side of miami and now i love miami oh yeah whereas before i didn't really care for it that much so what do you hate about phoenix college students and like strip molly and there's a lot of personality there it's kind of a fun i had fun in tempe when i go there like that little like area of the college is kind of fun the rest of phoenix to me too spread out. That's kind of yeah That's that's too spread out to fight II like to fucking aggressive. Yeah, I'm A Phoenix yeah, well somebody would like try to bump me if I was just waiting for a drink at the bar

Yeah, dude, and just trying to start a college town vibes. I had used to live there We went to visit my dad when I was like 16 or something. We went on a road trip and he had a roommate. And he, so my dad passed out at the end of the night, half in his room, half in the hallway. He was just on the floor. Classic. Classic Pat Jordan.

And we were all, me and like Smith and everybody were sleeping on the living room floor. And we woke up in this, I don't know, it was before I knew that grownups did drugs really, you know, but I woke up and his roommate was sitting there with no shirt on. Paint the picture. There's like Budweiser paraphernalia everywhere. There's a big cutout of Kathy Ireland

in the corner. I'm really glad you're painting this picture. This really helps. You know what I mean? It seriously had one of those giant Kathy Ireland swimsuit that you would see at a liquor store. He was probably from a liquor store. And anyway...

He was probably from a liquor store. Yeah, he definitely stole it. It may have been given to him. They were loyal customers. So I wake up and his roommate, no shirt on, mouth full of chaw, rolling a joint. And I look up and he's like, you're cool, right? I go, yeah, man.

Yeah, all right. And then we just left. Oh, I thought this was a story of you getting molested. No. They all kind of started that way. Yeah. I was waiting for a turn. No.

If you're waiting for that, it's a happy story. Yeah. That's true. No. Well, that's the thing. Depends on your perspective, you know. Adults and when you're a kid and you find out that they smoke weed. If you're a pedophile, you'd be like, well, that story wasn't very good.

I mean. Bad ending. This is a wild start. Wild ass start. You invited me. No. Yeah. Yeah.

You invited me. I'm glad you're here. That makes two of us. Sean. Three. Let's call it. What about Martin? Four.

Yeah. He doesn't even know what he just agreed to. All four. You just signed your life away, kiddo. Halfway to a Marcello. Let's go to the bathroom. The light does not work. It is a trick.

It's not worth it. Figure it out. The two switches on the wall where you think would be the working switches are not the working switches. Yeah, that's living with men. I hate it. Hated it with David.

I hated it with Solomon. Presently. I'll fix it this weekend. I hate it. Hated it with David. Hated it with Solomon. Presently. I'll fix it this weekend. I've been busy. I can fix it tomorrow. I can take my ass to Home Depot. Take my happy ass to Home Depot. Get a friggin' light bulb. Skateboard over there. Put it in the friggin' socket.

Skateboard over there. You condescending piece of shit. I think it'd be fun. I don't think it was condescending. It was not at all. Sean, it was. No, it wasn't. That's how normalized the abuse is for you. I think it'd be fun. I don't think it was condescending. It was not at all. Sean, it was. No, it wasn't. That's how normalized the abuse is for you. I'm here to tell you

that was condescending. I feel like that's the voice you do when you say you can't make big dick jokes anymore. Yeah, I can't make big dick jokes.

Oh my God, this reminds me of a Rihanna song. What song? Doesn't. I feel like you would enjoy a nice skateboard over to a Home Depot. I won't, but I'll get there.

On the knees? I don't know. Skating down the street anymore. People still, especially around here, Sioux Falls, just random places, people will still yell shit at you. Oh, yeah. That was a lot in the deal. The shit you think they would. Wigger?

You'll be pregnant. They call you Wigger? What do they say? I want to know what they say. Yeah, but that's because he's wearing an Echo sweatsuit. That was every... He's wearing Fubu's wearing an echo sweatsuit. That was every every teacher I had in middle school. I guarantee it. When I wore my cross-colored shirt

that said no justice, no peace on it. Or the one that had the whole continent of Africa that was my entire torso. Did you know about this? Yeah, it's fucked up. I don't know what he was thinking. I had a yellow cross. You didn't know this? I had a yellow cross-colored shirt. Why would I know that? No, we're not friends. We're not friends? I don't know what he was thinking. I had a yellow cross. You didn't know this? I had a yellow cross. Why would I know that?

No, we're not friends. We're not friends. Holy buckets. I can wear my tiger shirt and I'm not on the tigers. You know what I mean? It's cool. I had banana yellow cross-colored shorts, a yellow cross-colored shorts, and Carl Canai shoes that I would wear on a pretty regular basis.

Yeah. So that turns into this. If you were wearing that same outfit right now, you and Marcella would be in the bathroom. That's true. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. We do it outside.

Yeah, yeah. Come on, in the back. But the neighbors would see still. My friend's in there. My friend's in there. My best friend. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram.

A lot of those. Here in the crib this evening. I'm here. How are you, my friend? I'm good, man. I'm stoked. Got back from Madison. Madison was sick.

More like Madison was sixing. You know what I mean? Yes. It was super fun. Yes. Yes. Shout out to all the fans that came out at the Madison shows.

Comedy on State, Super Dope Club, Ian's Pizza. Three times a day, probably. HR Teddy Wedgers. I went to Teddy Wedgers every day. What's Teddy Wedgers? Teddy Wedgers will make you... They have a chicken pot pie sandwich that they'll make you. It's like a calzone, so that's what Teddy Wedgers is.

That's amazing. Like a ham pie. I love a food. I love a food, too. And one in Wisconsin. They don't have that's what Teddy Wedgers is. That's amazing. It was super like a ham pie. I love a food. I love a food too. And I want in Wisconsin. They don't have a lot else going on. I can say that now that I've already skipped out. Negative. You want a heel turn. No, I like Wisconsin a little lot. When you reschedule, I kind of want to go. Come

on back. I think I will. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. It was fun. It was a good time. It was good. Yeah, right. That was it. Comedy was went to the doctor the other day. Okay. That was fun. got my liver checked that's right it's okay it's okay

the doctor said he said I was in perfect health he said it was a great looking liver that doctor has a drinking problem I was so he's like compared to mine yours has to be okay, because yours isn't, and mine

for sure isn't, and I can't deal with that right now, because she took the bug. Side by side of you and your dad's liver, and they both seem alright. Your dad's when he was a baby, and yours right now. Cholesterol? Cholesterol. He said he wasn't thrilled about. Wouldn't mind a couple points off that cholesterol. He'd like to shave her down a little bit.

Wouldn't mind that one bit. Maybe get that a fade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. That was it. Hot pockets, fewer. Literally any vegetables, slightly more. Go to lemonade.

I think. Go to lemonade. Oh, yeah. Start going to lemonade. Knock up Laura and stop associating with her and then she'll drop off lemonade all the time. That's what I know about love. If you

happen to be listening to this today in the Tampa Bay area, go to the improv. I'll be there with Doug Benson. And then Sunday, March 1st, go to the Orlando Improv. I'll be there as well. There you go. With him as well? Oh, how fun. And I think I get to go to the Orlando Improv. I'll be there as well. With him as well? Oh, how fun.

And I think I get to go to the Tampa Pro Contest, which is like the biggest skateboard contest in the world. Oh my god, that's so cool. Man, I would just watch a video of you guys explaining shit to each other. Just Sean and Marcella. Part of your world.

I'm seeking this friendship that's hard to get you already said we weren't friends I know why don't you accept that it's a problem with men they won't accept the truth alright fine it's okay to be like associates I mean I'm not like super good friends with Ian I wouldn't call us good friends

no not at all I would call us friends I didn't hear that. Martin, what are you doing? Stick up for me. We're in this together. Don't bring in. No. You're on our side, dude. Fuck that. Our side?

Fuck you, Darla. This is the non-white side. Yeah. And Jews are part of it now, too. Damn it, Martin. You sold me out that quick. Real quick. My name is Ian Carmel.

I don't give a fuck anymore. Add Ian Carmel on Instagram. There's no way Mel loves the yelling. Who? Oh, Mars Mel? Yeah. We're 150 deep. It's not changing anytime soon.

At this point, we're like an old married couple you know what I mean you abuse her I don't understand we love each other through the ages if I can't yell on this podcast I'm not sure what I bring to it other than the original idea

we're just like hey you should challenge yourself do it give it a shot hey Ian what did you do today We're just like, hey. You should challenge yourself. Do it. Five minutes. Hey, Ian, what did you do today? Well, I... Talk about that traffic jam you were in.

Oh, boy. Quietly. There was a lot of traffic on the drive back. There was a lot of it. I couldn't really source it. Oh, that's so interesting. I thought I left work early enough. I left at 5.05.

And typically, when that happens, it's a 40-minute commute. And this time, it took the better part of an hour. Sure, and that was at... And the better part of you. The better part of me. I found it quite frustrating. Left and right.

Left and right. People were upsetting me. What'd you do about it? I, in equal measure. You returned? Returned the energy that I was given by the world. Some forehands, some backhands. Yeah.

And add Ian Carmel on Twitter, add Ian Carmel on Instagram. You can't do it. It's driving him crazy right now. It's been one minute. He wants to fucking. He's going to yell about this for the rest of the night. I know. He's going to take it out on you. Add Ian Carmel on Jewish Spotify.

The only Spotify with all of Neil Diamond's songs on it. I hate this. I love it! I love it! Marissa's probably just like, God damn it, Ian. This is so hard to not

yell a little bit. You're like shrinking your head down. You're doing it. He's concentrating. He's concentrating. I'm trying to make myself smaller. Turtle up, get the shoulders in there by the ears. Heck, what do I have coming up?

Oh man. Well, other than the aforementioned, oh, so AFV is going to be hitting the road. I feel like if I deliver this in my monotone calm voice, people aren't going to come to the shows. Oh, they'll come. AFV's hitting the road. We're not in Texas.

It's because you could hear it bottling up. I wish you guys could see his face light up when he hit that eight. Sometimes you drive by a vacant parking lot and it's a vacant parking lot. Sometimes you drive by and the circus is in town. And that's what I like to think my voice brings. I'm like a parking lot circus

of a voice. It really brings out the lisp, I'll say that. Absolutely, yeah. I think it brings out the accent, too. Yeah, definitely. Definitely brings out the accent. We'll be in Texas, the AFE boys, at the beginning of April. April 9th, we'll be at Sons of Herman Hall

in Dallas, Texas. The day after that, on the 10th, we'll be in Houston at the Secret Group, which is an awesome venue. And then on the 11th, we'll be in Austin, Texas at the Parish doing Live All Fantasy Everything. It's going to be great. It's going to be really, really fun.

We're hitting Texas. We're going to have some special guests. How do I join one of these AFE live shows? Do you want to come? I would love to. I just would have to figure it out. Get to room with me. Get to room with Sean.

Wow. All the bad stuff goes on outside, so I think inside the room will be fine. Feels a little aggressive, Sean. Me? You're newly engaged. Don Feels a little aggressive, Sean. Me? Newly engaged. Don't just chill out, bro. All right, I'll sleep outside.

You can have my room. Thank you. Appreciate it. That's what happens, Martin. Every time. What a beautiful display of friendship that was. Hey, be nice to Sean. Everyone will say fuck off and then nobody will be nice to me.

Martin's going to start doing it too. Telling you to fuck off don't you Mart it's not alright do it please it's funny because we play the same games that we did when you were a child this is the best I have nothing else

to promote. Watch The Late Late Show with James Corden. Tune into All Fantasy Everything. Come to Faded on Fridays. Come to Faded on Fridays. In LA, yeah. Women Crush Wednesday, the last Wednesday of the month now

at the Hollywood Improv Lab. And if you appreciate how mean I am, download The Woke Bully, available on all streaming services. There it is. I'm such a mean bitch. Some people like it. Some people love it. Like Sean Jordan. He loves it, but that's

not enough for me. I need more than that. I need money, Sean. I'm a Nigerian prince. Bust out the checkbook, dude. Come on. Yeah, bust it open for a real one. Come on. I don't have a checkbook anymore. I thought Tiana was about a checkbook. Bust it open for a real one. Come on. I don't have a checkbook anymore. I thought Tiana was about a checkbook.

Bust it open for a real one. Now, we are gathered here today not only to bust it open for a real one, but also to fantasy draft things we believed as children. Not only to bust it open for a real one. In case you thought the only reason that we were all here today was to bust it open for a real one. Yeah case you thought the only reason that we were all here today was to bust it open for a real one. Busted it open for real ones? Yeah, in a lot of ways it is.

Welcome to another brand new edition of Busted Open for a Real One. Welcome to another brand new episode of Busted It Open for a Real One. I'm your host, Tatiana. No, what is it? Tatianana. Tatian Carmel. There we go. Tatian Carmel. Tatiana go. Thotian Carmel.

Thotian. Thotiana. Thotiana. Anyway, it's your boy. Sure boy. Sure boy. We are gathering today not only to bust it open for real, we are gathering also to draft things you believe as a child.

Yeah. Now, it's a fairly wide open one, which is oftentimes my favorite. Yeah, they make, they're less competitive. More personal stories. Things you believe as a child, maybe you still believe them now. I think inherent in the title means maybe you don't

and you only believe them as a kid, but we'll see. Oh, yeah. That's not up to me until we get into it. I didn't even think about that. The way we determine the order of the draft

is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you and we throw and shoot. That's funny. Here we go. Here we go. Let me put my drink down.

How about the beverage selection, huh? I love it. Thank you very much. That was, you know, I did always hate in the studio when we would be in the studio that it was like, it felt very like it was trapped. Yeah, yeah. I got a lot of different kind of drinks here. This is great. I appreciate it. Vodka and bullet they would have. But it's not that.

It was like having to go down. Oh, yeah. I was like, I'm going to bust a sweat. This is easy. I can like sneak away and Huckle Loogie in the trash and nobody knows it. I'm going to.

Ooh, baby. All right, we throw on shoot. Here we go. I'm shooting up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David wins. David wins a lot. David wins a lot. David wins a lot. It seems like even more so than... It's a rigged game.

It is a rigged game. It's a rigged system. Finally, something's rigged for me. David's Michael Bloomberg. All right, you're black. We get it. Jeez. Oh, man, I don't see color.

I didn't notice. Oh, my God. That's worse than what I said. Ian's like, I'm staying out. I'm just hosting the podcast. Just over here, having a couple different network TV jobs, hosting a podcast. Just a dude. Not sticking incendiary opinions.

Not poking any behinds. It gets spicy when Marcella's on. I'm not on too often. I'll say something. You know, last time I was on, I got a couple upset messages. Did you?

What did we drive? I remember. I said, I know specifically. I said, I always say something. You have a standing invitation, literally whatever you want to come on.

But it's just funny. Cause like I, that's part of, part of what's tricky about hanging out with you guys is I'm my unfiltered self. Yeah. And that is very rare. I knew it. We are friends. No, not you.

I knew it. Not you. I had you pegged. I've lived with David for two years. I saw the tension when I walked in. Can I say I walked in? There was no fucking tension. We were talking about going to the doctor and shit.

It was just Sean was talking to Marcella when I walked in. And the look on her face, she was just clearly watching basketball. And Sean was like pretty into it. So that's why I didn't notice. I can see the look on his face right now. Yeah. It's a hurt look. No, I love you.

He's a hurt looker. Don't let her ruin what we have. What are you doing? I'm really creating a wedge between these guys. She loves it. Don't let her do that. I love it. Look at her.

She's burying in. I'm so happy. I'm so happy to be back. Thank you for having me. This was so fun. Thank you so much for having me, Beyonce, here with y'all. It's amazing. It's a blessing.

You know, talking about childhoods and whatnot, you know. It's amazing. What if that's what happened when I talk slow and that's why I don't do it? You sound like Beyonce. Hey, quit doing that thing with your voice. I apologize. I can't even do it. Oh, your Beyonce is so funny.

Okay, David, you won Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yeah. As the victor, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? Great question. It's like Galaga. You know that video game Galaga?

Where there's all this face and they drop down. No. And they move. Excuse me. And they move one to the, something happened, I don't know. And then they move one to the left and they drop down, and they move. Excuse me. Something happened. I don't know. And then they move one to the left, and they drop down, and they move one to the right, and then they drop down,

one to the left, drop down, one to the right, and you just try to shoot them until they get all the way to the bottom of the screen. If they get to the bottom, then you lose. Okay. It was pretty, it was alright. I don't know, Gallagher too well, but I think you got it. It's just like, you know, like, literally like a... Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round,

you pick first in the second round. With that in mind, I was recently laying... It was a casual bed lay. There was no... Let's not read into it. It was a casual bed lay with somebody. You know when you're just kind of like laying on a bed, maybe somebody's in a chair across from it?

This is one of those situations. Oh, you're not talking about sex. No. Casual. But if I meant sex, say sex, bro. I know you well enough. I could hear you. I could see you saying a casual bedway. This is the worst part. Sex worse.

I laugh when people say sex, too. You and my 18-year-old brother. Yeah, what is happening? I don't know. That 20-year-old brother. Yeah, what is happening? I don't know. That 20-year-old. Someone's on my same wavelength over here. We were talking about how rarely you nail the serpentine explanation

because the one thing you forget is the 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1. I forget it all day. I wouldn't say I forget it. I just run out of ways to figure out how to do that. Okay. But, you know. A lot of criticism. What did I do? A lot a criticism. Not a criticism.

What did I do all day but try to think of a decent one and that's what it was. Gallagher, dude. Not half bad. David, it's your job to pick the one with the draft. What's it going to be? David, Marcella, Sean, Ian. Hot corner.

Horseshoe. It's just how we're seated, guys. I corner. Horseshoe. I like it. It's just how we're seated, guys. I want our listeners to know. David's got to be creative. Yeah, David's a fucking idiot. Big Carp's got the hot corner. That's really just to make it easy for him.

I mean, yeah. Mostly. Hot corner music. Okay. As with the first pick, in the things you believed as a child, all feelings, everything draft, you have the first pick. You're now on the clock. We'll get to that pick right after this short break.

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Let's do it real quick. It's been a while. It's when it's been a while. Feeling's been a while. It's been a while. Feeling those lighters, dog. He's nervous. I get a little nervous. I don't know, the freight train, there's cows on the track every now and then. No, it's good.

I like this podcast today. David, it is time for your first pick. Things you believed as a child. So, when I was a kid, my whole life, I believed this until, I think like 1920, I started figuring it out. I thought all rappers were telling the truth. I really.

That's a good one. I really believe that. Who was the rapper? Like, how did you find out? Do you know how you figured it out? I think around the crunk era there was just like guys like young berg and stuff or i was like i got old enough to be like oh you're a fucking cornball right you had enough experiences with human beings that you were like you knew how to differentiate between a pathological liar yes and a guy who's telling the truth well and it was just like and it was like i learned to

trust my eyes enough to be because it was just like before the way i saw them was like they talked about themselves like this so that's exactly how i saw them because i didn't think about like like the whatever and then when i got older i could just like i would just like look at a guy and i'd be like i don't think it is what you're saying you know what i mean or or you like you hear their story and you're like that doesn't sound like it's completely true. Yeah, because now when I'm like 19, 20, now I'm like, well, no, I know drug dealers and they're not that cool.

Right, right, right. You know what I mean? I think that was a lot of it was getting off the porch into the world kind of and like kind of meeting some of these people who are doing rap type things and being like, these guys dress corny as hell. You know what I mean? They're still broke.

They're not like, or they're just not, or they're just not cool. Well, it's just the reality of like some drug dealers are just pieces of shit. Yeah. Straight up. Yeah.

Like there's not like, yeah, because it's like, I feel like rappers always try to sell you that like hooker with a heart of gold story. You know what I mean? Where they're like, I'm doing fucked up.

That's just the term to get me there. But yeah, I believed him. We're pro-sex workers. I'm pro-sex workers. Hard pro-sex workers. Of course. Yeah. I'm an amateur sex worker,

but I'm pro-sex workers. But you're pro-sex workers. I'm pro-amateur sex workers. Okay, thank you. I'm not. No. There should be a certification process. I'm a professional dick. But should be a certification process. I need that professional dick. I need that professional dick.

But yeah, so it was like, so as a kid, I think I thought shit in general was way crazier than it was because I believed that that was a real, like I saw that big pimpin' video and I was like, yo, they fucked all those girls on that boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. You know what I mean? Because in your seventh, eighth grade, so you're like, puberty's hitting

and I was like, I felt like such a loser because I was comparing myself to these rappers who were losers. Not all losers, but you know what I'm saying? I lived in that life that was being betrayed. Yeah, so I felt like such a not masculine kind of dude because you're like, oh, I thought

this is what dudes are doing. Of course not, which is crazy in hindsight. I'm like, yeah. On a much smaller scale, entertainment is kind of like that. In general, yeah. When you go do a TV show and people are like, oh, you're on TV. It must be fucking amazing. Oh, you get to do all this stuff and you're like, ah, ha, ha.

And then you limp back to your Prius. That didn't set in. There was one day Shane did Conan. Have you done TV? I'm sorry. That wasn't even cool. I loved it. See, it's getting to be true that I don't do TV. Or like for real.

It's like an ongoing joke that I don't do TV. Wow, this guy's sad. Now I'm more bummed out than I am. Don't be bummed out. David, you apologize. I Now I'm more bummed out than I... Don't be bummed out. David, you apologize. I said I'm sorry. Okay, kiss him on the neck. You need to chill.

I don't know if a simple apology is... I mean, there's a lot of button. It takes a lot of work. I don't know if a simple apology is going to get me there, Dave. I'm not going to kiss... You're going to have to suck his dick right now. Martin, close your eyes. And I called him Dave.

I do that when I'm real mad. Sean will be real sad. Sean will be real sad. Sean will be real sad. When Shane did Conan and they were all going to dinner and I was like, I got to work, so I'm just going to go home, like, for real. And he's just like, well, you're not going to have a drink. And I go, no, I'm not.

And that's when I realized, I was like, gosh, sometimes when TV happens, then it's also just the rest of the day happens just like normal. It ain't all entourage. I would say none of it has been entourage. I mean, like, we watched MTV Cribs when we were young, and then we found out that, like, Val, that shit was fake as fuck, too.

Those lines! I just recently found that out. It's crazy. I should have known when the Ying Yang twins were living in a house with, like, that's the one that tipped me off to it. She has paintings on the wall. They have a radical themed bedroom

and I was like, these dudes are not on ships. That's not. These dudes are not sailboat dudes. That's not what they're into. Who was the one? Was it? Redman had like a very realistic. They had their shoebox full of money. Friends playing Sega on the floor and you're like, that's where Redman lives. Yeah, it was a duplex in

New Jersey. The doorbell didn't work. And it was probably like, I'm sure he wasn't hurting for cash,, that's where Redman lives. Yeah, it was a duplex in New Jersey. The doorbell didn't work. And it was probably like, I'm sure he wasn't hurting for cash, but that was where he was living. He had more money than the Yang Yang Twins, I'd imagine. I'd hope. Also, you don't know what rich is if you listen to rappers. So you don't even know.

You think they're like billionaires. You think they're all billionaires. And then you realize, no, they just deal in cash like fucking idiots I always thought that about people on TV too like if you saw someone on a TV show or like do a late night set I always thought they were like damn they're set

like they got they had to get at least 100 racks for that yeah off to the moon now and then you're like no you get like $900 which is dope but it's not what you think I mean after everything it's like closer to six yeah but it's not what you think. I mean, after everything, it's like closer to six. Yeah, right. It's like...

And you bought shoes. Yeah. You bought shoes for it. They're a write-off. They're a write-off. They're a write-off. Well, that's assuming you were paying taxes the first time you got away. Right, sir.

Which we know. Right. Right off. Yeah, right off my feet when I lay down that night right off into the sunset do you remember any of the most like outlandish that's a really good pick

yeah that's a great pick I mean the most outlandish shit was always gangster rap it was just always like Snoop Dogg killed so many people or just like He did kill someone though. He did. Murder was the case

that they gave him. He's innocent. I'm innocent. He's innocent. He's innocent. Prove it. He fucking killed that guy. Prove it. Alright. I will. Court of law. I'll have proof tomorrow. Rick Ross saying he really knows Pablo Noriega is a pretty funny one. That also was like yeah. Rick Ross didn't take it so

far. Yeah. Yeah, because then you're like, alright, come on, dude. Yeah, he was giving up the game, but then it became its own sort of performance piece. Yeah. That's why, I mean, I still listen to Rick Ross now. I know it's not real. Yeah. It's like, I watch The Departed. I don't think that's a real, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Decapita's not really doing this. Yeah, it's a fucking movie. By the way, it extends into other kinds of music, too. You know? Yeah. Cougar Mellencamp, he's not sucking out chili dogs behind the Tasty Priest. Outside the Tasty Priest. Yeah. No way.

Oh, I never thought about that. I bet you there's, like, a lot of country music guys who, like, don't have a chance. Who live in L.A. but still have songs. Taylor Swift is telling the truth. What do you mean? Oh, what? Are you fucking with me? She's always heartbroken.

Oh, I believe that. Yeah. I've only heard, like, two songs. Yeah, yeah. I just watched that whole documentary on me? She's always heartbroken. Oh, I believe that. I've only heard like two songs. I just watched that whole documentary on Netflix. It's a great documentary. It really is? I like it. It was sick.

Dude, the shit that people said about the Dixie Chicks, it's fucking crazy what they said. And also to go, well... Yeah, they were my friend's parents. There's just shit that I didn't know what people said, like the Michael Vick thing. I had no idea, you know, what Rob Thomas said. Oh, Rob people said, like the Michael Vick thing. I had no idea. You know, what Rob Thomas said. Oh, Rob Thomas said he should

be lynched? Yeah. What? He said that? They were like, they were like, what? Did you hear about what happened to Michael Vick? And he was like, did they hang him up? No. He goes, did he get the chair? And they all kind of giggled. And then right after that, they go, seriously, what do you think should happen?

He goes, I think they should string him up and hang him from a tree. And they have footage. There's footage of him like walking through LAX. There was a hot one. Oh my god. I was just floored that I never knew that and I asked Dave and he's like, yeah, I knew.

It was a big deal that happened. Yeah, I had no idea. I just didn't follow the news story because I was like,ored that I never knew that. And I asked Dave and he's like, yeah, I knew. It was a big deal what happened. Yeah, I had no idea. And then. I just didn't follow the news stories. I was like, dogs, who cares? They're going to, dog Twitter is going to come at you. I don't care. You better watch out for big dog.

Big dog bites you. Dog Twitter. That's Malloy's new name since he got kicked off for a while. Oh, yeah. What happened with that? He's an idiot. I didn't know. No, he said, told somebody to suck his dick or something like that. He wasn't kicked off for a while. Oh, yeah. What happened with that? He's an idiot. I didn't know. No, he was... What did he...

He told somebody to suck his dick or something. He wasn't kicked off for that. He just did some Malloy shit and they kicked him off. It wasn't even something crazy for what he does. Yeah.

I think it was like the final straw. Like, it must have been like hit so many marks on his account. It had to be whoever it was towards had enough people

report the tweet that it became an issue. That's really what it is. I could see that. Alright, my first pick was Believe in Rappers. Fantastic pick. My solid time for you. So, I wanted to do something that was close to my heart.

When I was very young, into my, I want to say like seventh grade, I thought wrestling was real. Oh, yeah. Like, straight up. I thought it was straight up real, too. I thought it was straight up real.

And I know the day that I realized it wasn't real and the wrestler was the 123 Kid. Okay. Which was, like, it stayed in my head for a long time. I was like, I can't watch this anymore. Like, the fucking, the suck it. I was like, they're selling out. This isn't real. It was all made up. You can see that it's fake.

And then now, fast forward to me at 35. I'm friends with X-Pac. And I don't have the heart to tell him. He's the reason I stopped watching wrestling. Wow. That's fucking... That's. Wow. That's fucking that's a tragedy. It's a Greek tragedy.

What was it about? Just his whole character? I think I was just like, you know, because, you know, when you're six years old, of course you think it's real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get older, you can see the choreography. Right.

You see the person start to jump before they get flipped the back taps exactly you start to see the choreography and that was around the age I started really noticing and it wasn't until the next or whatever the fuck they were called NXT

that I was like or DX you mean D-Rev Revolution X suck it but that whole shit that era you know what I'm talking about 96 97 I want to say that I was like I started seeing it and there was something about

Xbox 1 2 3 kids specifically that I was like because maybe it was like maybe he was so young that he could deliver. You know, like when you watch comics and you're like, oh, they don't know how to deliver. It's a great joke, but they don't know how to deliver the line. Right, right, right.

He takes it out of it. And so that's how that was with him. That's a rough thing. It was shocking. I used to think all the beef was real, too. Yeah, me too. With Zeus, I remember specifically. Oh, like they hated each other?

Well, like they wanted to like for real hurt someone because like Zeus and Macho Man were on a team against Hulk and Ultimate Warrior in a SummerSlam. I think it was SummerSlam 89. And Zeus was Debo.

That was Zeus. Like Debo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm looking. I was like, that fucking guy can kill them if he's serious and he really wants to kill them.

Oh, yeah. He's going to kill. And I was a kid. I'm like, he's going to kill Hulk Hogan. kid. I'm like he's going to kill Hulk Hogan and little did I know that Hulk Hogan was the piece of shit. Nobody's stepping in but for real you look at it and you're like outrageous. You're like he's going to

fucking kill him like looking at the TV learning swear words as I'm like as I'm watching it. I bet you were saying he's going to fucking kill him smoking a cigarette. Oh my God. Give me that joint. My dad's friend just rolled. Dad, where's the formaldehyde?

I got to dip this blunt in it if I'm going to enjoy SummerSlam 89 over here. I don't know if I ever thought wrestling was real. Really? Get out of town. I don't mean that like a superior way. There were always people who said it wasn't though. Always.

I always remember there were kids who were like, wrestling is fake. But when I was little, I'd be like. I think I was lucky because it wasn't maybe as a girl I didn't go to school and was like did you watch wrestling? I assumed the girls weren't watching so why would I talk about it with them?

Oh that's a good point It was the boys thing It didn't even come up? Never Exactly So I think that's part of what added for me that it took me so long to figure it out because I wasn't talking to the boys about it. Exactly. Okay, that makes sense. So I think that's part of what added for me that it took me so long to figure it out because I wasn't talking to anybody about it at school.

Yeah, but the boys were hanging around reading Goosebumps and like making wallets. My teacher is an alien. That's what I was doing. Like making friendship bracelets. I got into wrestling in a very weird period. It was like a short and intense. Was it a fandom?

A queer point in your life? It was a queer point in my life. Regular listeners, when I use the word queer, it's the original meaning as a child. Oh my god. Excuse me. It was super intense. The person who both picked me

up and dropped me off from wrestling was Razor Ramon. That was the first guy I liked. Oh my god, we can talk about that. But it was such a weird period where it was like... You're still a toothpick guy Big time toothpick guy Doink and dink and like gold dust Where I'm like this isn't real Why would this be real

You're older though You weren't like a little boy I think I was like 9, 10 That's a little older when you kind of start putting thoughts together I didn't think like the bushwhackers Were really like that How dare you How dareers were really like that. Like the fucking dare you, you know what I mean?

Daryon salt me like that. What about the signers? Did the signer brothers? I don't remember them. What about the coffee guys? No. Uh, ravishing Rick.

I thought ravishing Rick rude was like that. The guy that was like, he would put his hand behind his head and fucking move his ways. I thought he was really like that when I was a kid. I was like, you're not a fucking scumbag. Maybe he was still taught you three of your four best moves the rude awakening

the rude goodbye ravishing Sean Jordan a lot of people call you more so in South Dakota but it's the rude I'll be back with breakfast but really don't come back with breakfast oh you I thought you would have texted me what you wanted so the rude shit

I didn't know we were going to run into each other I ate at Starbucks You guys are really killing this joke Razor Ramon was my secret crush too That was the other thing My first black crush Was Virgil Razor Ramon was my

First secret crush Because he was such a bad boy I was like I'm not allowed to like him but I was very aroused as a little girl I remember he pulled up

the padding I thought there was more to that story no I was there period he was very little he had a jerry curl I believe yeah

his hair was wet was there a moment he had the he had the like the super gnarly dipped curl on his forehead He was a motherfucker He had a cocky smile Real chesty

That era where the steroids were still helping And hadn't gotten weird yet So he was still cut up But his intestines hadn't gotten too big Dude what about the fucking Scary Sherry betrayed macho man And then Queen Elizabeth? Man, yeah.

You know, was like, he blamed her for that. I thought all that shit was real. I thought that shit was real. That's why it's so fun, though, because it's so popular. When Virgil finally, like, what did he do? Slap the Million Dollar Man in the ring or something? And I was, as a kid, I I'm like should have done that years ago yeah it's insane to me that you didn't do that

when he did it because it was that was like do you guys remember when Stone Cold Steve Austin Stone Cold stunned the entire McMahon family oh yeah that shit blew my I was like this guy's got to go to jail I feel like I was already

I think I was already checked out at that point. It's like, Stephanie, no! I do remember that. CEO of a company. Yeah! His daughter. He's a business owner. I was out by then, too.

Yeah, I think I was out by then, but I do remember that. Yeah. I was definitely still tuning in a little bit. Right, well, because it's hard to leave wrestling. Like, you're still kind of like, oh. It was so crazy. Like, the Rockers, the Heart Foundation, the Legion of Doom. That was like my, my era.

Yeah. Superfly, Jimmy Snuka. Yeah. Macho Man, all that shit. It was so fun. Oh my God. That's so funny. That guy shook me.

I was like, I don't know what this dude's doing, but this is fucking freaking me out. Coming from Portland. I'd seen it before. I was like, that's the guy doing, but this is fucking freaking me out. Coming from Portland. I'd seen it before. I was like, that's the guy from Darcelle's. That's the guy from Darcelle's. There's like a very, very camp. Is Darcelle's where they do the drag shows? Yeah, very camp drag shows.

They've been doing it since like the mid-70s there. Wow. Yeah. Portland, Oregon. You know what I mean? Up here, but then also down here. That was the problem. Sean, time for your first pick.

Thinking that if you peed in the pool, that it would show up. Oh, that they got the dye in there. I forgot about that. I remember, so Smith had a pool. And I was always willing to risk it all. I never did. I never peed in the pool.

You never peed in the pool? I do now. I'll tell you that. I don't think I ever didn't. I do now. Now you pee in the pool. Now I try not to pee in the pool. I do now. I'll tell you that. I don't think I ever didn't. I do now. Now you pee in the pool. Now I try not to pee in the pool. I do now. In a hot tub more than a pool, but yeah, I'll do it now. Ew! I hate

men. That makes it way worse. It's disgusting, yeah. It's like stewing in there. The pool's spread out. The pool's huge. Let me. And also the hot tub, there's like ten people in here. It's ten people. It's a soup already. I came in too hot. The reason I say that is because... No, you came in cold.

You left it hot. I was in the hot tub in Madison by myself this last weekend. I peed in it. So I wouldn't like... If we were all sitting in a hot tub recording... I never will be in a pool with you, for sure. Hot tub. Never.

None of it. A body of water. An ocean. I'm staying away from you. It's too late. That's true. Damn it. Gotta pee in the ocean, though. I of it. A body of water. An ocean. I'm staying away from you. It's too late. That's true. Damn it. Gotta pee in the ocean though. I pee in the ocean.

You know what my favorite thing to do is when you walk at the, you know when the water and the sand are meeting, the water's kind of coming up and going away. And then you're like walking, you know, the ocean. I mean, right there on that sand where the water meet and you just pee down your leg. See? It's so amazing. I feel like that's

way crazier to me no it's not you go in the ocean and you clean up you're just like out here peeing nobody knows it's so liberating it's such a unique experience thank you because you think all the magic has gone from the marriage how many you've peed every way

you can pee and then you free pee walking down the beach. You've peed every way you can pee. Then you piss on her on the beach. And then you free pee walking down the beach and you're like, I do love you still. You should try it. You gotta try it. You're gonna love it. I promise you will love it.

I probably will. I know you well enough to know you'll love it. I don't know about Sean. I don't know him well enough. I had a first date with him. We need to get to be in a hot area. We need to be better friends. You're fucking disgusting.

I don't make it a point to piss in a hot tub or a pool. It sounds like you do. I sometimes will do it now. I'm not going to lie. I don't like, again, if we were all sitting in a hot tub or something, and I know you won't be there because you won't share a body of water with me. Never. But if I was sitting in there with people and I would get up and go pee.

But I'm not scared to do it like I was when I was a kid because I really thought it was going to be that thing and I was in grown ups they did a joke about it in grown ups where there was like actually that's my question was there ever actually a pool that did have that I don't know

I was swimming at some janky ass apartment there's no way at Smith's house. He had a pool and we thought his pool that was going to happen. We're like, we know him. We know who gets their hands on this pool and no one's putting in piss dye or whatever you want to do. Like,

yeah, it was just something you believe. I'm going to ask you as a friend, nine inches. Thank you. I'm going to earmuff it. We're going to, next time we're in a hot tub together.

I was not going to pee in the hot tub. Just let me know at least. I'm not going to do it. Give me the option. Don't get in there, Ian. Don't trust him. I'm going to get in the hot tub with him. He's getting in.

I'll be in a hot tub with this guy several more times over the next year alone. Last time we were in Madison, we just like arranged hot tub time. And if you do pee in there, I'm not going to be that upset. I didn't pee in there. I wouldn't pee in there. All right. I'd pee in there by myself. I'm going to accuse you every time.

I know. How do you know? I hope to God. I'll just stand up outside of it and piss into it while you're sitting in it. I hope to God this summer we're at a party and I see you in the hot tub and I go, he's peeing in the hot tub. He's just got like some weird look in his eyes like Jack and Augustine at the end of The Shining. Oh my God.

Marcella! God damn it! People are going to believe me. Believe all women, motherfuckers. That's how I win this shit. That is a dangerous way for you to weaponize that. And quite frankly, I respect it. You should.

I love a white woman tactic. I got to make up my pick. Did you just say, I got to make up my pick? Did you just say I got to make up my pick? Wait, wait, wait. You postmated food for yourself that you didn't offer for the rest of the family? That's right. I'm going to eat it after we record. I'm going to eat some while you wait.

You want some of my salad? It's a wet chicken salad. It's going to be wet. There's chicken on it. You interested? You can have as much as you want. No. Never mind.

I regret it. It's gross. I don't want to eat it but i'm gonna lemonade what you order what is it i'm gonna sell lemonade i'm my own baby mama i'm trying to watch my cholesterol lately so i'm tender greens i'm probably gonna have a pizza later i'm trying to watch the cholesterol give you a piece of my mind okay can we pause sean is no we keep recording you go pay okay okay it's me and you holding it down. Hell yeah. We've done this a million times. The two-man game. Absolutely.

Let's get it. Come on. Two-on-two tournament. Fucking a regular white man can't jump over here. That's right. Exactly. Billy Hoyle. Yeah.

Was that the slam dunk contest? Yes. Oh, my God. In person, it's one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. I don't like it when people talk shit about it. Especially on Twitter, you'll hear people be like, oh, this year I didn't even watch it. And it's like. I know.

Oh, because it's not. It's still one of the coolest things. Congratulations. In sports. Yes. In sports. It's some of the most athletic people around doing like the coolest thing. They can never do in a game.

They can never do in the game. They're jumping over people. I've never not enjoyed a slam dunk contest. Taco's wearing striped pants. Vertical striped pants I didn't even know you could be that tall and do that What a fucking maneuver Yeah I don't think I could

I don't think I could pull it off No I watched it I was like this is expert Yo This is expert level See that's why they got stylists Even someone like Taco Fall Do you think they all have stylists?

Yeah Do you think like Westbrook has a stylist? Or do you think he's shooting from a hit? I think he has someone he works with who maybe brings him some ideas. You think? And then he goes nuts on it? But I think that's him.

I think that's what I've always thought about. Yeah. Do you see that James Harden, Russell Westbrook, GQ photo shoot? No. They both look good. Yeah, I bet they looked amazing. Those guys look really good.

Those guys look cool as hell. I watched the dunk contest in the green room in the Madison Club. It's so sick. It's not like being there, obviously. But just sitting in the green room in a massage chair in between sets watching the dunk contest on a big-ass TV.

They got a pool table in there now. In the green room. That's amazing. Every time a dunk would happen, I thought this just happened like people were selling it a little bit. Like a dunk would happen, like the jumping up happened like people were selling it a little bit. No. Like a dunk would happen, like the jumping up and like grabbing. It fucking happened every single time.

Every single time I was like, oh, I'm on my feet. You know what I mean? Freaking out. Like hugging the person next to me. Anything more impressive done physically and like, you know what I mean? I did that cakey thick clip. I bet. Slam dunk contest, but I bet that is dope.

Yeah. I mean, that Kiki Thick clip in San Francisco. I bet you would draw the same conclusions from each. Maybe. I've seen you watch a basketball. She's breathing heavy. Who do you think is the most handsome basketball player? The most handsome?

Yeah. Or who are you the most attracted to in the NBA? Oh, my God. Look at her face, dog. Did you see that? Yo, she went cross-eyed I've always been into this. I've never, I've been asked that question.

I don't know. I would have to think about it. Not handsome, most attracted to, right? I understand the question. I'm not a fucking idiot. I'm talking myself to it. This is why we're not friends. Cheese and rice. That's why? I hope the cheese and rice thing doesn't help. It's not. You know who I'm

really attracted to? I don't know his name because I don't care. Who's the guy who everybody makes fun of him because he has such a dry sense of humor. He's just like, ha ha. Kawhi Leonard? He's so good. You are just like a machine.

He's fucking, he's such a, he wants to fuck the turban. Yeah. He's had corners his whole career. But he does have a personality. He does have a, which is what I like

because he does and he's not like being all flamboyant and shit as a man. You want it. But I kind of wonder if he's not straight because I'm very like

intrigued by him. Do you have that where you're intrigued by, and then they turned out to be gay as well? No, it's not even that. It's that there's something about him where I'm like, there's no way we could be because he's so fucking weird. He is really. He's fucking weird. Kawhi Leonard? It's hot as fuck.

That would have to be the only boundary between you and getting with Kawhi Leonard is that he's gay. No, tall men don't like tall women. Really? That's really what it is. Really? Even like a really tall guy? He's like 6'7", 6'8"? They like a little tiny mouth on their dick.

That's crazy. It's true. Like when I think about like Shaq having sex with a normal woman. But have you seen the women he's been with? He's only a tiny one. They're not like... I like someone between 5'7 and 5'8. I like a 5'7 and 3 quarters.

That's a small woman compared to Ian. That's a small woman. But that's what I'm saying. That's small compared to you. Well, it doesn't matter what height I was. That would be the zone. That would be... That'd be my fly zone. That's a splash zone.

It's time for my first pick in the things i believed as a uh child one hour in one hour in i know what happened i'll make these quick here's my first one aliens are real and they're going to abduct me damn i really so sure of it what what was there like a movie or something you saw like i watched a lot of X-Files as a kid. That shit would fuck kids up. I still think aliens are real. I think my brother still thinks aliens are real. You don't think so? I don't really care.

That's kind of where I'm at. I don't really have an opinion. I'm like, if they're real, they're real. If they're not, they're not. There's got to be... My dad swears he saw a ufo him and my aunt were like upstate new york i think some other things may be in play but like he swears he saw a fucking ufo like hover over the road and he's a fairly serious man you've met him

other than that he's fairly serious my brother went to the um rockwell has is it no roswell what is it called roswell they have a festival every year my brother went to that because he's like very into it just like an like an alien festival i don't know i don't even know but they have some kind of alien festival and i don't know what it's about but my brother went he took his kids and he like he just loved it i could see that being kind of fun fun as shit i mean you're like, where it's supposed to have gone down. Well, you just got a pedicure. Now you're doing all this couple stuff.

You know what I mean? Then, like, an alien festival would be perfect for that. It's right up there. With a pedicure. If there's one thing I know, Let's go to New Mexico. Alien festival. That's true, dude.

Grand Slam. That's the perfect example. Got a Ren Faire. We're going to an alien thing. It's going to be tight. I'll go to a Ren Faire with you. I got the Houston Fruit Nut Festival. I don't think that's what you think it is.

Houston? The Houston Honey Festival. Houston Fruit Nut Festival. The Houston Fruit and Nut Festival. We will be in Houston, Texas at the Secret Group. Thank you for the reminder. I said Houston. Oh, Houston. My bad. Houston, Texas is where the AFE boys will be. Oh, wait. I'll be at the, what is it? Comedy Hub

in Houston? I don't know what it's called. In June. I'm doing a... I have no fucking idea. June, look it up. We'll be your appetizers. Marcel will be your main course. June, yeah. Come see me in the summer. I had a guinea pig that I kept by the window because my logic was the aliens will

take the guinea pig before they take me. Dude, I was so afraid of you. You had to sacrifice. That's wild. They're going to take you before they take me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just tied up a goat in your front yard. That's right.

Exactly. Wait, but were you a big juicy boy when you were little, too? I've been a big juicy person my entire life. Yeah. So there's no way they would have went for the guinea pig. Were they hungry, though? I don't think they're hungry. No, but I mean, the bigger the berry, the guinea pig. Were they hungry, though? I don't think they're hungry. No, but I mean,

the bigger, I mean, they're looking for masks. The bigger the berry, the sweeter the juice. Thank you. Black is the best, sweeter the juice. Either way, it tastes good. Ian's black as hell, too. There you go. Older the berry, the sweeter the juice. That's interesting.

Yeah, I'm so afraid of the juice. Sweeter the juice. Alright. Nothing? I can't do anything alright oh god so wait how old were you when you were like not worried anymore 26

like probably like post bar mitzvah even 14 14 15 like getting into high school yeah well pre high school I don't like, probably like post bar mitzvah even. 14? 14, 15. Wait, you were like getting into high school? Yeah. You think even? Well, pre-high school. I was out of the high school.

You were bar mitzvahed. 100% bar mitzvahed and everything. Yeah, Jewish. Yeah, Jewish. It was a good track. Trying. I was so afraid of them. I really don't know what it was.

But I was fascinated too. I did like a student fair. I did a science fair thing on like encounters people had had. I knew about the men in black you know independent of the movie i will say as another was such a thing independent me neither all right dive into that a little bit it's what the it's kind of what the movies are there people who would show up at people's houses who had like reported seeing the fuck out it's aliens that's what people would say is that like thing? They would say it was like an independent

I mean it's the kind of thing where it's the same people who are saying they saw aliens are saying the men in black showed up so you know your mileage would vary but like

they would say that like after they had encounters people would show up at their door. I would get freaked when I was a kid I would get freaked out about shit like that

that I had no control. Yeah exactly. Like the idea of like I can do anything to stop this. I kept myself all worked up before, man. So nowadays, I feel like because, I feel like X-Files did the damage for us as kids. Yeah.

But like nowadays there isn't too much. I mean, Watchmen had elements. But it's not like that. Yeah, it's not like the focus. Right, are kids like watching Black Mirror the way we watched X-Files and stuff like that? But there's no aliens. Yeah, there's not.

That's more like all your own undoing. That's like a growing up in the 90s kind of thing. It's very interesting. I wonder, like, it makes me wonder how many kids believe in aliens now as opposed to back then. Now they just listen to Greta Thunberg-like speeches and you're like, oh, they're going to drown. That's how they work themselves up. They have a fear of reality. A little more realistic, I was going to say.

Keeping it current, huh? Yeah, Martin, you're 18. Do you believe in aliens? They could be there. But see, but he's not like scared of them. Were you ever scared of aliens when you were a kid? Not at all, actually. I was hoping they'd take me.

He wasn't really scared of them. He wasn't really scared of much. I hope they'd take me. That's so cool. I don't know. It wasn't a sex thing. I got my Super Nintendo here. I'm not trying to get abducted. So that's my first one. Aliens are real and they're going to abduct me.

And then my second one I'm going to take.. And then my second one, I'm going to take my little sister is the devil. As a little sister, that offends me. How dare you? You don't have to make little sister jokes anymore. You delivered that straight down the pipe, by the way. She was here for a second.

AK? No, I mean just right then. Oh, in the room. What age difference? Four years. It's a tough age difference. No, I mean just right then. Oh, in the room. What age difference? Four years. It's a tough age difference. Wait, is there siblings in between? No.

It's just the two of you. Well, we have older siblings. Okay, okay. So you never went to school together except when you were really young. Except for one year in elementary school. Elementary, yeah. By the time I graduated, she was a freshman the next year. That is like a tough life. Yeah, that's me and my oldest brother.

You and your oldest brother? Yeah. But there were siblings in between? Yes. How did you guys get along? Oh, I mean, it's a lot of trauma. We don't need to get into that. I think having the siblings in between would have helped.

I will say it did help because, you know, my brothers were the older ones, and then me and my sister were the younger ones. So we definitely like paired off and did like boys versus girls stuff. But I mean, I don't think, I mean, maybe they did. Yeah, they probably thought I was a devil though because I was a little snitch. I was a little.

Oh yeah. I was. I was like all about my parents. I was like always backing my parents. Is that like, what was. My little sister, she was a little bit like that. There wasn't much for me to snitch

for her to snitch on anyone. You weren't out doing shit. No, I was like a nerdy little kid. You weren't much for me to snitch on anyone. You weren't out doing shit. No, I was like a nerdy little kid. You weren't behaving particularly queer. I was not behaving queer at all. So what? Why was she molesting you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Is that what you guys want? I'll participate if that's what you're looking for. Thank you. Thank you. Now we're all in on it. I just found her annoying.

And I think some of it was probably like I'm the baby. Now there's a new baby but I'm the baby. Jealousy, some of that stuff. But she came along when you were four so it wasn't even like... He was already neglected. I can't imagine that I wasn't at fault

in this relationship. Now we're the best of friends. I love my little sister so much. I'm going to officiate her wedding. She's the best. I'm going to cry at her wedding. I'm going to cry at her wedding. I'm going to dance at her wedding.

Who may not do that? She doesn't like it when men cry. I might not cry. That's why we're not friends because I cry all the time. That guy cries a lot. Really? I cry a lot. She hates it. I hate it.

Put the lion King on. You're going to hate it even more. More like the crying King. I'm going to be laughing. Martin, was that against me? I'm like, those hyenas were so funny.

Not the ones that killed Scar. Yeah, those. No, no. They were the funniest part of the movie, though. No, I'm kidding. I don't think I'm going to cry during the vows or anything like that.

When are you going to cry? When are you going to stay crying? I think maybe after or before when I just give her a hug before we go out there. I think it might be a little like... I think you don't know when you're going to cry. That's a good point. She's your little sister and you hated her and you thought she was the devil. The devil.

You don't know when that little spirit is gonna take over your body maybe she's just maybe it's revenge and she stabs me to death during the wedding like this is for when i was six did you ever do anything that bad to her no never it was just like bickering constantly but it was just like that's how you felt but you weren't like punching her in the face no no no you were pushing her a little bit like pushed each other and like she'd slap me and I'd be like, Mom! And then she'd do the same thing.

What would you be like? Mom! I got it on deck, dude. I'm like a soundboard. Any requests you got. I remember she used to say my name. She would add a syllable at the end and it drove me crazy.

Wait, what? Ian! What did she chase Chase Bernstein? One of my favorite Chase Bernstein jokes. California. California. Or what does she say? I don't know what it is.

There's some joke that she does. Yesterday. Yeah. She would do that to my name. Ian! Like that. That's so funny. Shout out to Chase Bernstein. Very funny comedian. But I believe that she was my worst enemy as a kid, and I love her so much. It changed, like, around our teens kind of thing.

I hope so. About the same time I stopped believing aliens were going to abduct me. Ooh. Mm-hmm. I grew up. Sean, time for your second pick. My second pick is going to be

believing that adults were always right oh oh see i didn't i when i was seven i think that's like around the time i started like really maybe six i was like putting logical thoughts together and i was like my dad is wrong all the time he was a misogynist yeah and i was like that logic doesn't stand. If you like math, adult logic, when they're trying to talk you into shit, it didn't make sense to me. So how old were you when you stopped? Could have seen Sean's face when Marcella said,

if you like math. I sure do. Because it was the way I felt in my heart. We all in this room like math. Let's not check up on it though. How old were you when you stopped believing that? I think it was, so I can step on, like, another

pic of mine that I won't say, but I used to make my mom promise that nobody would break in at night. And she would always promise. Well, because her... There's a reason. Yeah, her boyfriend, when I was, like, five, broke in, and I saw the whole, like, it saw the whole thing. It was a whole thing.

Just trauma? Yeah, it was very traumatic. But after that was done that night, I used to make her promise that I was like, promise me no one will ever break in. And she would promise and over a few months probably, I realized like, well, she can't be, she doesn't know if someone's going to break in. She can't promise.

So she's not right. And that was right around the time. Oh, interesting. That's sad. Well, she doesn't know if someone's going to break it. She can't promise. So she's not right. Right. And that was right around the time. Oh, interesting. That's sad. Well, it wasn't sad. It was just a realization where you're like, oh, like, you know, she's trying to protect me, but also she's lying.

And it was layered. I've been thinking about it my whole life. It sounds like it. And also think about. Can we talk to your future wife about this? Because she should know. Yeah. But think about like looking your kid in the eye and be like, I promise nobody will break in, knowing that nobody

will. Could you see the lying in her eyes? I couldn't because I don't think she was lying. I think she was probably sitting up like he's in prison. I would look my guinea pig in the eye and say I'm putting you near the window because I want you to have a good view. You know what I mean? You're like your guinea pig in the eye like I promise the aliens will not abduct me tonight.

Yeah, it will abduct you. I promise I will will not abduct me tonight. Yeah. It will abduct you. I promise I will be here to find you. Wow. Yeah. I just always, you always think adults are right until you realize they're just, you know, mostly wrong.

And then when you're an adult, they're doing their best. Yeah. Doing their best. Doing their best. That took me longer to figure out than the right, the right wrong thing I knew from jump, but that they're doing their best.

That was like... That was like the last couple years for me. What is it? Even now, like Ian just said, I'm wrong all the time. Just giving it a shot. Trying to do what I can do. That's interesting. That's sad.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's sad. It's just, yeah, life. Well, okay, can I do my next pick? Because it kind of bounces off of that. It's time for your next pick. Perfect. So my next pick would be that I believe that my parents didn't lie to each other. Oh, interesting.

Oh, they didn't lie to each other. Like, you know, as kids, you kind of connive sometimes with each other. And you're like, you kind of like have the back. No, I was alone as a kid. Well, that's sad. But if you had siblings. We would connive. We would connive.

And you would kind of. Yeah, there's a lot of conniving. It's still conniving. It's not too late. We can connive now. No, just like. Then canoodle. Say you break something.

Oh, and then you go, oh, shit. Let's figure this out together back let's pretend like this happened and da da da let's just have our story straight oh I did that with myself no I know that's what I'm saying you lied to your parents but you never realized that they were lying to each other yeah and it wasn't until I was

14 and we went so every summer not every summer but very frequently when we got a little older, we would go to San Francisco and visit. It's like an hour and a half drive from Modesto. So we would go and visit. And we would like, you know, go to Amoeba, go to Haight-Nashbury.

We would like do cool stuff. Did you hate it then? No, visiting San Francisco was fun. Back in the day. I mean, in the 90s, it was fun. Like Haight-Nashbury was legitimately fun. It was cool. There was a lot of cool places to shop

and see things. And my mom and I went to this like, we always go to thrift stores, vintage stores. And so we went to this vintage store and we saw this coat that I really liked and looked really good on me. And it was

$90, which is a lot to spend on a 14-year- the 90s in the 90s and so my mom but she loved it so much she could tell i loved it and she was like let's get it and i was like what she's and because i knew that like my dad would not be okay with it and she was like well tell him it was $40 and i was like excuse me mom that Mom, that is dad. Yeah, exactly. And what was funny was at that point, like I had a very tumultuous relationship with my dad. So like, I was like, I don't care about lying to him,

but like, bitch, you're going to lie to him? You're the religious one. I've been lying to him this whole time. That's the thing. Like when you lie to him, you're like, like well you go and tell him the truth yeah like but you're married to him you have an oath and shit yeah god doesn't know what i do to him and then like i watched her because i was like in my head i was like there's no way she's gonna fuck it because here's the other thing i was i really wasn't a liar like as a kid i didn't

like lying i didn't i didn't like conniving with my siblings i don't think you're a liar now i'm not a liar now but like what i'm saying is no but like i'll tell you that but when i was a kid like every now and again some shit would happen then you would just be like let's lie together yeah but with like that blew my fucking mind that i watched my mother lying to my dad about a fucking coat that was for me like superficial shit and then you're in on it now you're like now i'm in on it with my mom because if you don't go tell your dad that it was 90 bucks and we never told him horse night you got a jacket out of it and it's a coat i still wear like she added cuffs to it i wore it i wore it when i was opening for hustle menage at carnegie hall like i was like it's a fucking dope ass vintage coat. I looked up the designer

and I want to say he's from Portland. Like it's the fucking cool, it has like a cool ass history to it. I love that I kept it all these years. But like I still like, and what's funny is I'll bring it up to my mom and she'll be like, it's this dude Papi,

like he gets so mad about nothing. Like it's just money, you know? You know, like it's so bad know but that's how she was because she would get so annoyed where it's like why are you upset about this like this little girl is your daughter and she wants this cool ass coat it looks good on her she's a fucking quirky dresser like why wouldn't you want to get this for her at this point it would have been a bargain at 10 times the price with the amount of mileage you gotten out of it i think that my dad didn't like look at shit like that yeah but my mom did right you know like this is a piece yeah she knew you were gonna respect exactly and that was the difference is like my

mom knew me so well that she was like this is fine but it was the first time i was like oh my because it made me be like what have they lied about each other like yeah now you don't know what yes it was so fucking mind-blowing it was fucking crazy man that's interesting good pick uh david time for your second and third picks uh my second pick i'm gonna lighten it up a little bit second or third trip uh man this is this shit came up and i remember so many times so many people calling me an idiot i thought that everybody who had the last same last name was related sure sure i would always say michael jordan i'd be like is bill clinton

related to george clinton and like people be like what the fuck is wrong with you i didn't realize how big the world was i think we've talked about this i thought i was related to michael jordan my last name oh yeah i never encountered you knew no one was related to you because you were somewhere else. Exactly. And I never encountered anyone with my last name ever by chance. So I think it was like I thought these groups of people were a lot smaller. Meanwhile, this kid I know at school is for sure related to Cindy Crawford. Yeah.

That's how I thought with everything. And I remember actively thinking being like, I'd bring it up a lot. Like, I'd say that kind of thing to people all the time. Kids would lie about that shit, too. And people would always be like, oh, what the fuck are you talking about? But I remember thinking, like, well, I bet, like, somewhere,

like, how many Smiths could there be? Because there was two motherfucking Boreys, dude. Right, right. Out here. By myself. Like, yeah. All day. Yeah, I used to think that, though.

I definitely, I don't know if I thought everyone with the same last name was related, but I definitely was confused when people in my school had the same last name and were not related. See, that would have fucked me. Yeah, that would be crazy too because you're like, were there any other Argueos? No. No. Not when I was a kid, no.

Were there other Jordans? Yeah. Were there? Were there Boris? No, there was Michael Jordan. God, that sounded so sad. Were there? Were there Boris? No. God, that sounded so sad. There were also no black people. No, just kidding. No, I don't think there was another Jordan. Wait, are we talking about me? I love when a joke doesn't hit. It's almost as good as what it does.

I don't know enough about Modesto to laugh. Shout out to Modesto, yeah. Are there black people in Modesto? No, there aren't. Thanks to the gentrification in Oakland, California. They've been pushed out and moved to Stockton and Manasco. My aunt still lives in Manasco. What's that? My aunt still lives in Manasco.

Oh, that's great. Everybody knows somebody in Manasco. Aunt Leslie and Uncle Joe. Are they conservative? No. Oh, that's interesting. Is Manasco a conservative place? Yeah, it's a very red county. Really?

It's brutal. I'mesto a conservative place? Yeah, it's a very red county. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's brutal. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to stop this. You guys are on fire. Oh, my God. You guys. The natural chemistry is off the charts.

Now I find people whose last name is Carmel, and I get so thrilled, even though my grandpa made that name up. Oh, really? Yeah, his name was Solomon Katz. And when he came to America, he changed it to George Carmel. Whoa. He changed the first name, too.

Yeah, yeah. Whole new ticket. Solomon's a fairly Jewish name as well. Did you ever get the story behind that? Well, there are two things. He was in the import-export business. He loved gorgeous George. What is it, Costanza family?

Import-export? Import-export business? You know what I'manza family? Import-export? Import-export business? Not far. Not Vandelay. And he was like, people hate Jews because all these American, his logic was a lot of American soldiers went over and died,

and they think we're the reason. So, you know, like, I don't want that to come up the works. And then the other part of it was, Isn't Carmela Jewish? Maybe I just know you. Not really, you just know me, and I'm so Jewish.

I definitely... I know that when I found out you were Jewish, I was like looking at your name like, how? Yeah. My name... I don't even know what my name says. Ian Carmel? It makes no sense.

Better put some butter on it. There it is. Hamhock. Hamhock. I have the... I think it was either four or five brothers, Arguello brothers from Spain

and I remember like my dad would probably tell the story like so in like when I did get older I was like oh yes all Arguellos are related and we technically are

right but the older I got the more informed I became I was like oh the Spaniard brothers they came to different countries and they raped and pillaged oh

and that's probably what happened those were the original Arguellos? And that's probably what happened. Those were the original Arguellos? I think, that's what I think. Probably, yeah. Because everybody knows the Spaniards are pieces of shit. It is so crazy to me how big people's names are. There are no, like, there's one other Bori family in Sierra Leone when I went there and everybody would be like, oh, you guys, your family's like very prominent.

There's doctors. My mom would be like, no, that's not us. And that's it. But it's got to be. I don't think. I don't think it's. There has to be some kind of association. There's a schism somewhere up the.

I mean, there's just not. We're Kono and our tribe is really a small part of a smaller country. You know what I mean? True. Yeah. But the association, like you don't know the lineage of historical association like you don't know if somebody married someone with the last name or took the last name because they were like trying to rename themselves or whatever the fuck yeah we don't know i don't know past my grandpa i think that's what's crazy about history period is that

you don't know the lineage and so you do kind of have to be like all right like when i meet our like there's a famous boxer, Alexis Arguello. And when people like there's older men, when they found out my last name, they're like, are you related to Alexis Arguello? I'm like, I am actually related to Alexis Arguello. He's a Nicaraguan boxer and he used to be a government official. But like it like we we do kind of know the lineage, but that's because we were it was passed down. But the more as an informed adult woman yeah i became i was like oh they're probably a rapist and they just kind of spread out because they're

like let's fucking go conquer these motherfuckers and that is that's the facts right and stop from spot to spot and so you are all related yeah yeah and like we all have different backgrounds but we are all related yeah through rape through rape it is true i'm not i just said it flat you said you're gonna lighten it up yeah i mean i started to and then old fucking we're all related through rape over here rape unites us that's what i'm trying to say well my next pick is when i was a kid i didn't think we were all related through rape and And Dave, what's up with your third pick? This is a weird one that I think is specific

to me. Actually, you're my brother. Tell me, did mom ever tell you this? When I was a little... No, it's not that crazy. When I was a little kid, I think it's like on some African shit. She told me if I swallow... I remember specifically, she said if I swallowed chewing gum, it would rub against my gut

and i would die oh my god she told you that yes that fucking bitch i love that say yes for years i thought that you would die because it was like one of those things that she told me so like when your mom tells you something like that it's not even you believe it yeah and she told me from when i was a little kid so i I just like, for years, I would never. I've heard that digestion, like if you swallow gum, it takes 70 years. She said it would rub against your gut and you would die.

Did you ever swallow gum? No, I still don't swallow gum. When was the first time you did? Oh, sorry. I got excited. I don't talk like that to her. I don't talk like that to her. I got really close and I handed him gum and he freaked out. we have three episodes of this podcast to say you do I don't know what you're talking about you've swallowed gum before

I have now I bet you the first time I swallowed gum I was probably like right after I ran away from home what's up I can't have my clothes back I can't have my clothes back a dead man doesn't need clothes.

Suicidal. Comedy. Yeah, I thought that for years. Troublicious. She told you that too. I love that he's here to confirm. That's great. Because I thought I was nuts about that for a long time.

I mean, that is a nuts ass thing to believe. And I don't know where the fuck she got it. She just didn't want to spend money on gum. Yeah, she just told you you'd die. And she did chew a lot of gum when I was a kid. Oh, she's a hoarder. And she'd give me some. That is crazy.

She's a gum hoarder. I didn't say she's a whore. No, no, hoarder. There's definitely issues with that. Oh, see? Oof. Just face off the gum thing a lot? Yeah, because she's always buying shit.

Eating slices. Can't stop buying shit. Oh my God. Never buy shit for us, though. Yeah, she bought a bunch of... Okay, this is getting... All right. The point is, I thought that if you swallowed gum, you would die.

I heard the seven years of your stomach thing. I never heard of the seven years. No, I feel like that is specific to your psychopath mother. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I got kicked up a few notches. Yeah, it was like so much so it was canon. Like I wouldn't even talk to anybody about it because I was like. You were scared.

Well, I was just like. So did you watch people chew gum and you were worried about them? I just thought everybody was responsible enough to not swallow it. Interesting. Yeah, I just thought everybody knew the dangers of chewing gum. That's so funny. Yeah. I'm going to sound crazy.

If you swallow it, it just comes out, right? You just poop it out right away. Even after I knew it, I still... Even now, I would still rather not swallow gum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. You're going to tell your kids that if you have them?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, good. We got to pass something down. The fun thing about this is we do have to pick which ones we'll pass on. I can give you depression or I can make you think gum's going to kill you. Yeah, give them the gum. I'll get the depression on their own. So my third pick is

when I was small, I believe that my mother's name was mommy. Like I didn't know what her real name was. Like both my parents, but specifically I say her because I remember, I don't know how old I can't remember how old I was, but I remember someone asking me at school what my mother's name was. i said mommy and they're like no no her name and i was like it's mommy that's the way i done told you are you fucking deaf yeah yeah i got like real confident about this shit and it turned into a very awkward situation it's also funny to think that you thought you were calling your mom by her name. Well, the thing is, it's that because there's not a lot of Latinos at

my school at that time when I was small, small. There's a bunch, right? Can't get rid of them. What? What? What did he say? Such a piece of shit. Now they're everywhere.

Hosting the podcast. There's a lot of Latino people out there though now, right? I just want everybody to remember this when I said offensive shit about black people. Was it a hella white area when you were growing up? Yeah, it was super white. So kids would call their mom mom or mother or whatever, but no one was calling their mom mommy.

Diane. No one was saying mommy, so I was like in my head, I was like, that's unique to my mom. Oh, so you just saw her. Her mom, mommy. Diane. No one was saying mommy. So I was like in my head, I was like, that's unique to my mom. Oh, so you just saw her. Her name was mommy. That's. She's the only mommy. Yeah, that makes sense.

You know? Oh, that's funny. Or she even has like a modified mom title, but she's the only one. Yeah, she's the only one. She's the only mommy. Yes. Yeah. Because I thought that was her name.

Everyone was like mom, mother. And I'm like, oh, my mom's name is mommy. That's so cute. Yeah. That's adorable. So I like, I remember going home and being like, what's your name? I don't even know you, bro. She comes home and is sitting in a dark dining room, smoking a cigarette.

Learned something interesting today. Her name is Alicia. And I was like, what? What? That is crazy to think about when you learn your parents real names. That is funny. I don't know what the mama was for me. What's your name?

I was so upset. What's your fucking name? Who are you? And what's funny is that it fucked me up. That fucked me up so bad as a kid that with, I have eight nieces and nephews. So like at young ages, I'm like, what's your mom's name?

What's your dad's name? Making sure they know that they're not humiliated. Yeah. And they're all just like, you know, Karina, you know, Dan, they just know. And you know Karina you know Anna

Dan they just know and I'm like you piece of fuck and she's like I'm jealous I'm so upset man I love calling my dad by his first name these days it's fun for me I've never done that that was all my dad was was a first name he was never dad you know what's funny about that is the flip is that

part of my so I'm the youngest my oldest brother, the reason my parents really like drilled it in their heads that they were mommy and papi was that my oldest brother was calling them, you know, Roger and Alicia. Like as a little boy. As like a rebellious thing? No, no, no.

Like that's what their name, like mommy. I mean, instead of saying mommy, he's like Alicia, Roger, Roger. And they're like, you can't call your father Roger. You know, like, it's so stupid. It was a cool name. Pretty cool. That was just like, that was a thing was like, they were like, we can't have him calling us that, you know, because that's what, you know, you know, we're calling each other our

names. That's what the kid learns. Yeah. There's no other siblings around. And it's like, yeah, that's what he calls you. I was just thinking about that today when you see a couple like, hey, mom, what are we getting?

And you're like, why the fuck are you calling your wife mom? And you're like, in front of the kid, you don't want to say, hey, Karen. Yeah, my parents do that now. And I think it's just after a while, you just become mommy and daddy. I don't think I ever feel comfortable

calling my partner mom. But like, mommy. I call her mama. That's what's interesting about having kids is that you do have to adjust. Yeah. You don't even realize that that's a thing

until it happens. I'd go with mama. I'd be happy. I'll call a woman I just started dating mama, but like, mom. Mother.

Mother. Well, that's like a very different sometimes. That's a Mike Pence territory. I was in like eighth grade and my dad was, he took me to the mall. It was when he bought me this Notre Dame jacket that I had for years.

But so he buys me this Notre Dame jacket. And then we see the girl that I was like my girlfriend at the time. And I started, I was like, Oh my God, is he dad or is he Pat? Cause I had to force myself to call him dad. Well,

he was, he was gone my whole life. And then he came back when I was 12. Oh, God. There's a lot of deep, dark shit with this dude every time. I don't bring my dad up ever. Yeah, I noticed. So we're at the mall.

And I go, hey, this is Pat. And I felt him. I felt the tension. And then after we left, he goes, but I really wish you'd call me dad. I was just like, but he wasn't ever fucking around. No, he wasn't being a dad.

He wasn't around. He's manipulating you. People, adults manipulate children. You're a dad. You're not dad. You gotta end that shit. I'd like if you called me the admiral, but I haven't put the time in.

I didn't serve. You're sexual. I certainly didn't rise through the ranks. That's stolen valor. That's stolen valor. You want me to call dad? That's stolen valor. That's stolen valor. He wanted to call dad and stolen valor. So the flip for me too was that my siblings, we all have nicknames at the house.

Like we have our house nicknames. Yeah. And so my brother, Nicholas, he goes by Nick. But as kids, I called him Niki. Niki. So in sixth grade, he's in eighth grade. I see him. Oh, man.

He just had to go beat the shit out of someone. You are a little sister. I am. I go, Nikki. Nikki. And he like, oh, he walks up to me. He's like, don't ever call me that at school. Don't call me that at school.

And in my head, I wanted to cry because I was like, I don't know what else to call you. Because I had never called him anything else. I was like, I don't know what. What do I? And I had to like go home and be like mom what am I calling Nikki at school did she say Nick I think she did that's how I learned

that's that's so interesting rough afternoon though yeah I bet you that was really hard yeah some other 8th grader might have caught a bit

in that thing I was like oh shit especially like middle school is so hard you're like oh thank god my brother's here yeah I know someone

and you should like and he's so big and he's still you know one of the biggest motherfuckers your brother's really big and back then he was still big so i was like it just it was a lot a lot of traumatic memories yeah this is a wild ride this podcast on top of your third pick another another hairpin turn on the wild ride there's no way for this to go dark. I thought Mile High Stadium was literally a mile high. It's about that. Wait, wait, wait.

What's Mile High Stadium? Where the Broncos used to play. Where the Broncos. Oh, they don't play there anymore? Well, it's in Vesco or Inverness or some shit. They changed the name, but it's still the same. It's called Mile High. I didn't realize it was called Mile High because Denver is a mile high, right? Elevation wise. Oh. mile high i didn't realize it was called mile high because uh denver is a mile high right elevation wise oh so i thought the stadium from bottom of the stadium to the top was a mile high

which is fucking that's gnarly denver's elevation is mile high but like yeah i thought the actual brick and mortar of the stadium wow it was like the air and i'm gonna sound so ignorant i think but like what are there buildings that are a mile high? No. There's, okay. So how high is like the Sears Tower? I don't know, man. Yeah.

I honestly don't know. I can't answer any of these questions. I don't know the answer to that question. Because it's just crazy to think. 5,200 feet. It doesn't, it was 1,700 feet to the very tip of the satellite. So I thought the Denver football stadium was like three times the size

of the Sears Tower. Like three times the height when I was a kid. Because it's called Mile High Stadium. What am I supposed to think? Well, you also don't understand inches and feet and a mile. What did you think the Rose Bowl was? Fuck you, David. You're going to

the bathroom. Stop laughing from over there. That's homophobic, David. You're going to the bathroom. I'm laughing from over there. That's homophobic, Ian. You can't. It's a different time. It's the 90s. No, I mean, it goes, well, no one will. Well, whatever. I don't think anyone will. Just say it. Just like the United Center. I just thought it was called the United

Center. I thought that until like five years ago or something. But I didn't realize they had sponsors. And that's why it was called like the united airlines did you think and this i'm not i'm not being a prick uh did you think like madison square garden or the boston garden for real i thought it was like a square garden i thought boston garden was like an actual garden for sure yeah for sure and that yeah that all stems from mile high. I don't remember. It was my mom that told me that it wasn't a mile high, but she fed into it for years because she would always say it looks like it's a mile high.

Yeah. She had been there once when she was a kid. She's like, it's so high. I mean, if you're little, like, why would you know? I'm saying. Yeah. But like, imagine a football stadium three times as high as the what tower?

Willis Tower.? Willis Tower. The Willis Tower. Beautiful Chicago, Illinois. I'm not familiar with towers. It's one of the main towers. It's not the tallest in the world anymore. Like the Empire State Building or something. Like three times the height.

The tallest is the Burj Khalifa in Dubai now. Or it's that one in Singapore? That classic building. I don't know. The Fast and the Furious one? Yes. Yeah. Not familiar.

Me either. Anyway, I the Furious one? Yes. Yeah. Not familiar. Me either. Anyway, I thought it was an actual stadium. And also thinking about watching a football game from a mile away, like looking down at the top and you're for real looking a mile to the field would be crazy. The Burj Khalifa, 2700

feet tall. The Wiz Khalifa. The Wiz Khalifa, also pretty high. That's why you write for TV and I don't. There it is. When I was a kid, I thought playing piano was lame. I was in piano lessons, and I had to go to fucking piano lessons at Carol Tannenbaum's Mormon-ass house once a week.

Nothing wrong with the Mormons, but it was a very Mormon ass house. Not a lot of Mountain Dew. Not like a fun place for a kid to be. And learn how to play piano. And I hated it. I thought it was so lame. And I remember my older brother being like,

you should stick with it. You're going to be really glad you did. For real. And I was like, no, I'm not going to. I'm going to play Super Battle Tank instead. And now playing piano would be so fucking cool any instrument was lame yeah yeah as a kid I thought playing piano was lame yeah little did I know did you think other instruments were not lame not I thought they

were less like a guitar was slightly less lame than a piano but now I would much rather be able to play piano than guitar I mean you still can can learn. I guess I could. I still have it in my bones a little bit. You can play the piano. I've seen you. I can play it by ear but I don't know how to read notes. Anyway, that's the whole pick. I picked it because it was quick. Time with writing scripts.

Here's a thing I thought until, I've brought that up before. Okay, I think I'd be fully when I was a kid, I thought I'd be fully kit when I was a kid. I thought I'd be fully capable of surviving in a home alone situation. Like in the movie home alone. I thought you brought me into that. I thought just like Kevin did.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. I'd fuck him up too. Now if you're back, I'd be like, you'd be dead kid. What are you talking about? The one man is just like shot up grown man. Yeah. Yeah man yeah yeah exactly what about what are you just like run out of

the house and go somewhere that's what i was like i just run away i that was one of those things that made me go to the neighbor's house and be like my parents are gone it made me feel so poor because it was like yes we always lived in apartments i was just like oh this kid's got a bunch of shit in his house man you know what i mean like what's gonna you come to my house i'm gonna throw the shit in here i'll throw the box yeah it was always wild watching a movie like that being like wow that's like nine apartments in that house yeah that's how i used to think about because we we lived in apartments till i was like 15 that's how i used to think about like it made you like not even like,

you couldn't relate to that game. They had that big ass John Hughes house too. Yeah, huge. You know that house in Chicago? It was built inside the gym of the school they filmed Ferris Bueller at. That whole house was a set built inside the gym of the school where they filmed Ferris Bueller.

All the interiors? Huh? All the interiors, right? Wow. All the interiors is a real house in Chicago. That's cool. I didn't know that. But yeah, no, that shit.

Oh, I thought I was a little Cub Scout. I thought I was going to have it all figured out. You thought you could really wear it. Tying ropes. With a blowtorch. I didn't like that movie when I was a kid. I was like, this is stressing me out. I didn't like it. I guess maybe because I'm a girl, I was't like that movie when I was a kid. I was like, this is stressing me out. I didn't like it.

I guess maybe because I'm a girl, I was just like, this feels dangerous. To be with you. Because, you know, that's the other thing is when you're little, you kind of believe movies to their full capacity. I didn't know that these guys were just, you know, actors.

I thought they were like full-blown creeps. Yeah. The wets. Yeah. So I was like. The wet bandits. Yeah. My knucklehead ass thought I'd be like fending off the guy from My Cousin Vinny. Yeah. Movie All Funny Games.

Yeah. I was like, this is a lot. I didn't like that movie. When people tell me that's one of their favorite movies, I'm like, that's insane. I haven't watched it as an adult. I wonder how. It's stressful. That's a really funny take because it is.

And it's like this kid whose home is under siege. I just remember being like, this is... I would be crying if my mom left me. It had some very appealing things, which were a child ordering a pizza for himself, which as a kid, if you thought you could do that, that was like one of the apexes. See, I got to do that really on you too. I've never ordered a pizza for myself. Always people doing it for me.

Or it would be like my mom was going out on Friday night and she'd be like, yeah, just call it in. Like she'd be at the house. 20 bucks on the table. Just call it in. Just, yeah, you know it. I guess the question I have for you guys is like, when did you learn that strangers were actually dangerous?

Really young. Yeah. Probably pretty young. I would see stuff just like out on the street or whatever to like like i knew it wasn't safe yeah out there you know what i mean i knew all the neighbors of my cul-de-sac but if somebody from out like outside of it had come in it would have been i wouldn't have like see that's the other thing we moved so much i never knew who i never knew you know your name is like yeah and i would just i just saw enough stuff yeah and i

just saw enough stuff out in the world like i never thought it was safe You didn't know your neighbors? So like, yeah. And I would just, I just saw enough stuff out. It was too new. Yeah. And I just saw enough stuff out in the world. Like I never thought it was safe. I didn't know anyone. It was me and my mom. I didn't know anyone until I was like six or something. But I met Smith. It's probably the first person I met.

That's a good point. I didn't think about that. But like I didn't know anyone else. It was me and my mom in apartments. Man. And then her boyfriend fucking broke in when I was five. And I like,

he wasn't even a stranger and he did that. And I was like, holy shit. That's He wasn't even a stranger and he did that. I was like, holy shit. That's somebody that I know did that. You knew strangers were capable of anything. I never associated with other people ever. Wow. Maybe my great grandma.

Did you say my great grandma? Maybe my great grandma. Yeah, because she was around. My grandmother wasn't because she still lived in Rapid, but my great grandma was around a little bit when I was that young. Tangent. But yeah, I remember when,

uh, one time the phone rang, I picked up the phone and, um, I'm just like, hello. I'm like five probably. And I hear,

hello, little girl. Oh my God. And I go, hi, is your daddy home? I was like, no.

Is your mother home? Um, she's home, but she's in the bathroom what's your name marcella josephine argueo oh what's your address 29 13 no shit california and he was like what's your phone number and i was like 209 bye tuesday whoa and then um i'm so proud of myself because i know all the things I knew it all I knew all the things I finally had the pop quiz I was waiting for and preparing for and then the voice changes and he's like Marcelita

it's your dad if you pick up the phone you can't tell people your name you can't tell people you don't want me crying don't tell me stories like that I'll tell you. You think you're in trouble? I would. It wasn't even,

I thought I was in trouble. I was like, man, what just happened? Yeah. That's what your dad fucking. He was a dad. Yeah.

Yeah. He was holding it down. He was. Cause I think even he was just like, why is this little bitch picking up the phone? Right. Why the fuck are you picking up the phone? I'm trying to talk to mommy. Yeah. She's not picking up. Nobody should be picking up the phone yeah right why the fuck are you picking up the phone i'm trying to talk to mommy yeah she's not picking up nobody should be picking up right man that was one of the first times i was like you dude yeah i was i would say four or five years old oh and

that was the first time that that's why and you know and and home alone came out after that so i think that i started like really being like suspicious all the time. The stakes are really high actually. The stakes are super high. That story took me on a whole ride, man. I was going to say. I was feeling so bad. I was so happy.

When you said Marcelita, I was like, oh, thank God. Yeah. So did I. I felt my chin quiver. I mean. But that was the thing. I mean, that's how you learn. And like, God bless the parents

that go above and beyond to do shit yeah cause like I mean imagine if a stranger called and asked me that question the next person who calls

yeah they're getting all that info fuckin' A I'll do that with my kid for sure John time for your fourth pick I believed that waterbeds were a pretty cool idea

for a long time that's funny that's hilarious I had a waterbed cause you were a virgin my mom had that waterbeds were a pretty cool idea for a long time. That's funny. That's hilarious. I had a waterbed. Because you were a virgin. My mom had a waterbed. I tried. The first time I tried to lose my virginity on a waterbed. I didn't do it because it would.

I swear to God, none of us could do it to this day. No, that's what I'm saying. It's insane. Fucking on a waterbed? I tried when I was. I wouldn't fuck on a waterbed now that you brought it up. I don't think. I don't even know how fun it would be.... I want to fuck on a waterbed now that you brought it up. I don't think... Good luck, dog.

I don't even know how fun it would be. I'd like to give it a shot, man, but it would be... I'll tell you, as I imagine the only person in this room who's ever tried it, it's impossible. Ian is very offended.

I haven't even seen a waterbed. I had a waterbed. I haven't seen a waterbed. You had a waterbed as a kid? Yeah, I was like... So, my mom had one forever. Answer the question. I'm trying, so my mom had one forever. Answer the question. I'm trying to think.

She had one forever. And I got one when I was probably 11. Oh, wow. We lived in Prairie Meadows, this apartment complex across from Keene Park in Sioux Falls. And I had a waterbed. We were on the second story of an apartment building. So I don't even know how we did it. We had to get a hose up there somehow, either through my window.

I'm serious. I mean, it had to be. The bathtub maybe. Yeah, I was going to say. Somehow. There's a way to do it. But we did it. We had to get a hose up there somehow. Either through my window. I'm serious. The bathtub maybe, but somehow. There's a way to do it. The bathroom faucet. Yeah, but we had to have a hose. We had to have a hose. Hooked up to something. And the fact that I didn't walk in and be like, well, no, I don't want to sleep

with anything. I don't want to do that. I want to bed. I was just like, no, tight. Would it be too hot or too cold? It would get cold all the time. It would add like a thermostat, I guess. This is wild to me. Yeah, me too. It'd add a thermostat or whatever you want to call it, and you would

set it, but a lot of times it would break down, so then it'd be cold when you woke up, so you'd be sleeping on cold water. This is the kind of stuff that only happened during the Cold War. You know what I mean? Like water beds and shit like that. Where it was like, it's just a race to the top of the Soviets. Do they have beds that are full of water? No. Well, we do in America. I know we're in a hurry

and maybe I've told this story, but I gotta tell it real quick. So my friend Gary, I don't know if I've told you this. My friend Gary. Why would I know this? Whenever, well, because we're friends. Pretty good friends. So whenever I had sleepovers, I always let the friend take the bed. So if we ever have a sleepover, you can...

I was telling him to give Sean the light. I'm still going to tell the story. No, good. Make it longer. Here we go. Somebody peed the bed. So the next day, my mom and I, we used to swap rooms every now and again because we were broke. This is a very sexual family. So we'd swap rooms. So I go, can I sleep in your bed?

You sleep in mine. So she wakes me up at like four in the morning. She shakes me and she's like, did somebody piss the bed last night? And I go, yeah, maybe. I don't know. So she made me get up at like four in the morning and drain my waterbed and clean. There was piss crusted all over the bottom. It was insane.

But I tried to pull the wool over her eyes like she wouldn't notice. Like she would just go to bed in a pissed in water bed. Damn. I blew the light. Go ahead. I just thought water beds were so sexual.

I think the Hollywood representation of water beds is highly sexualized. For sure, for sure. So I was just like, ew, pervert. Can I do one that i feel like we could all relate to yeah santa yeah i believe in santa all of us literally never well i mean you're from africa yeah that's never that's a devil i was the world yeah i was the one who was

telling people that that shit yeah yeah yeah i never i was like a bitter kid about it like you wanted santa you're Santa got you those Jordans? It's funny. Oh, Santa's fun. My mom works, and these are fucking pippins. Santa's got the fucking licensing. He can make those concords up there on the North Pole. Oh, dude, I remember being like, well, I live in an apartment.

I don't have a fucking chimney. Yeah, how does he get in there? How about that? How does he get in there? Defense. that? How does he get in there? Seriously, he got into my apartment quite a few times. I just believed it. I remember staying up. Me and my sister tried to stay up in the

living room and we slept through it. Really? Yeah. We thought it was real. And then your parents, they would put it out while you were asleep? Yeah. I remember vividly seeing what I thought was santa claus i'm sure it was obviously it wasn't right but i remember it your white father no he was nowhere to be found but this was christmas i was i knew santa claus

weirdly he did roll over the sack full of wrapped toys a lot of a lot of white stuff flying around oh my god I'm glad I brought this up Good I remember seeing what I thought was Santa And the reindeer in a sled in the window When I was like 7 or something I mean a dream A dream that you don't know is real or not

When you're little you dream and you don't know What's real and what's not That's what's fascinating about dreams as a kid I don't know if I ever really believed in Santa Well you were Jewish I know but even in my light, we did Christmas because it's a better holiday. You were Jewish

and you were selfish. We were like a light Portland order. Yeah, exactly. Jewish and selfish. The two things that dominated my childhood. Now we're in full Marceau. That's right. Yeah. We were absolutely. We did two nights of Hanukkah too. But like, I don't remember ever believing in Santa even though we left cookies out i i also didn't

get yeah i also didn't get presents from santa yeah i was like i mean i can't imagine that you would have yeah damn i was good i'm just saying you're in africa i wasn't in africa i was here when you were yeah i was born here you were this is crazy this is the first time this i don't know that i'm a u.s. citizen. I knew that. I was born in Sierra Leone. A lot of people get this confused. I was born, my mom, she hadn't been here long. She'd probably been here like.

Why did I think you grew up in Sierra Leone? I don't know. You were punished once and went to Sierra Leone for like a summer, right? Yeah. Oh, maybe you talk about that aggressively. Yeah. When you're like poked out and you're like, let me talk about this memory a lot. But Santa, is that, uh, is that, is that like a thing?

Like, do you feel like, like, did your oldest brother believe in Santa or do you think your parents got here and were like, oh, let's like do this? No, I think that they, they enjoyed it. It was fun. It was just a silly thing that they enjoyed participating in. My mom liked a lot of American traditions. And then, um, And then one year, my brothers ruined it.

Of course, older brothers. For you? Yeah. They totally ruined it and I was really sad because I really... I mean, I would have probably believed it. Dude, I didn't stop trick-or-treating

until I was 17. Whoa. I liked being a kid. I'm saying. Being a kid was amazing. I don't see a reason to stop. To stop trick-or-treating? Well, to stop being a kid.

Stop doing certain things because it's just uncouth. My bar mitzvah was on November 1st. And now you're a man. So I didn't trick-or-treat. I'm like, if I'm a man tomorrow, I can't be out trick-or-treating tonight. Damn, you took it really seriously. That's funny. You know what's funny is our parents...

All right. If I'm a man tomorrow... Our parents let us call in sick to school on November 1st every year. Really? That's how serious we took Halloween. I'm telling you, being a kid in my house was fun. That's great. My parents let us be kids.

I was over it pretty quick. But that was the thing. I think my older brothers were that way. And I kept being like, guys, we're only kids for so long. I was like, when is this shit going to last forever? I did. When I was eight years old, I had a conversation with myself. I was like, remember what it's like to be eight years old.

Remember what you know. Remember how adults talk to you, how much they think you don't know. Remember what it's like. I had those conversations with myself because, dude, I was super self-aware. I had no vicinity about any of that. All I could think of was like like being 18 feels so fucking far i have to do school i didn't want to do it i was like learning but i was like every year school no i like being i was like dude yo this the clock needs i mean time goes slow in africa i also just like saw so many more adults having a good time yeah like i was always like that looks like the thing is i was like we I also just like saw so many more adults

having a good time I was like that looks like way better I was like we're having more fun than anybody else right right right I was not my pick? your pick? make your final picks

alright my fourth pick oh man video games I think this is actually why i stopped playing video games the game is cheating oh like like playing like street fighter 2 or some shit like that yeah like and like in after a while i just it's impossible yeah just be like i'm not gonna do this i can't beat smoke and mortal combat nobody can yeah i see someone beating me like oh yeah i quit playing video games pretty early. You would get so angry. I think

I played Madden because everybody who plays football plays Madden. We had to. But other than that, I think I pretty much was done with video games 6th, 7th grade. Oh, wow. Yeah, and then never really got back in. It's good. I still play them every now and then. I have a Switch now because I want to play with them, but other than that,

I don't really. Yeah. It's a waste of time. It's fun, but it's a big waste of time. I'll play Shinobi. I still play them every now and then. I have a Switch now because I want to play with them, but other than that, I don't really. Yeah. It's a waste of time. It's fun, but it's a big waste of time. I'll play Shinobi. I'll play Street Fighter, Dr. Mario. Yeah, you get locked in that era. The good games. Yeah, yeah.

Stick. Good games. I would fucking throw N64 controllers against the floor so hard, and those things are fucking built. Yeah. They have to be. Some of the whoopings I put on those controllers. Oh, you know what? Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk was Whoopings I put on those controllers. You know what?

Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk was the last game I played. And like, yeah, yuck. Yeah, like that. I broke a lot of PlayStation controllers over Tony Hawk.

I just never, I just never cared either. Like, I just didn't. And you make that weird little kid yell where you're like yelling through clenched teeth. Like, I wouldn't even yell.

I wouldn't even yell though. I was like a pretty quiet kid. So I would just, I don't believe that. I would, like. I was a pretty quiet kid. I don't believe that. When I was by myself, I would just be sitting there fuming and I'd just have to go. I would sigh like a steam engine starting and then yell.

That's a good impression of you as a kid. I believe it. Also, my best friend growing up when I was like a little kid Him and his brother would go nuts Over video games that I fucking hated Like I'd go over there and they'd like Fist fight and shit and I'd be like this shit sucks Yeah I didn't do that in my early 20s

Yeah I didn't You're supposed to love your brother And then my final pick This one is really weird I was afraid of the dark for a long time oh and it's because when i was a kid i would like go to bed but i would stay awake and i thought when the lights went out i thought my mom was leaving oh like when the lights went out dark when the lights went out under the door i thought i thought like i don't know i guess i thought like she went to her house or something like that And then I was here by myself.

Cause you paid those mortgage payments. Yeah. You know, I was paying bills. So like, yeah, it's like abandonment issues or something. Yeah.

You know, you know, this podcast is a two more hours. Yeah. We get a sandwich after this. I was definitely scared of the dark. I didn't watch. Are you afraid of the dark?

Whenever, um, the beginning of, are you afraid of the dark? So when it started Are You Afraid of the Dark? The beginning of Are You Afraid of the Dark scared me. So when it started, I would go, I'm sure tired. And everyone would make fun of me. And I'd be like, I am tired. It is bedtime.

And I didn't care. Because I did not want to have nightmares. I was so scared. It was such a scary intro. I was terrified of the dark. There's no reprieve from that so it's just like as a kid you're just like man you just have to fight that alone yeah and i was alone all the time so you're just like just gotta fight that again one time i was so

scared and my sister was like well what are we good what are we gonna do and we had um it was so weird we had like a mosquito killer thing that thing that is outside. We had in our room. I don't know why. That was our nightlife. Like a bug zapper? Yes. In our room. I mean, I was allergic to mosquitoes.

Did it make the noise too? And so one time my sister was like, like asking me, cause she's my older sister. She was like, what do you want me to do? And I was like, can you sit there and just stay awake while I go to sleep? Did she do it? That's so sweet of her. I don't even think that's a thing. She did it. She fell asleep, of course.

Sitting there, but she sat in that little chair, that little yellow chair. That's beautiful. And she fell asleep staring. That's very cute. Yeah, I mean, look, I wasn't spoiling a little brat. If you can tell by now. I could have gotten me some of those mosquito zappers to deal with the alien problem.

I could have cut this guinea pig out of the whole equation. Then I could be eating his treats. Were you scared of the dark, Ian? I guess a little bit. I guess I was afraid of aliens. Only when it was dark. Did you share a room with any of your siblings? No, no. Oh, really? Just when I was first growing up with my little bit. I guess I was afraid of aliens. I didn't like only in when it was dark. Did you share a room with any of your siblings?

No, no. Oh, really? Just when I was like first growing up with my little sister. But like. Oh, that's why you thought it was the devil. Like really, really young. Or older. No, I don't.

Actually, I don't think I ever shared a room. Interesting. Yeah. I was also a very solitary little kid. I believe that. Yeah. Just off. Lock the door.

Reading. I did a lot. I was talking about this with this girl. I was like, when I was a kid, I would just. What are you doing in there? Beating off? I'm reading. Lock the door. Reading. I did a lot of, I was talking about this with this girl. Like, when I was a kid, I would just, what are you doing in there? Beating off?

I'm reading. I'm reading. I'm reading Moby Dick right now. I read Moby Dick when I was like 10. Really? Did you comprehend it? Yeah. Of course he did. I was such a weird little nerd.

I told you I wrote a book about the Iraqi war when I was like in kindergarten, right? That is right. Yeah. Fuck, what happened, man? Football. Why did I play it?

Oh, man, because you were fat. I know. And that's what they told us. I didn't think you could belong. I should have been booked. I should have been in speech and debate. No. That turned out great.

You're doing all right. I wouldn't sweat it. What were we talking about? Dark. The dark. Being afraid of the dark. Oh, the dark. No.

Oh, living alone. No, I would spend a lot of time alone in my room Literally just thinking I would lay in bed, full blown awake For like two hours Just like going to my brain I do that now though It's like kind of a problem

Marcella, your final pick Do you guys want a super cute pick Or do you want like a we can all agree on it pick I always want a super cute pick Okay, I When I was little, I believed that my stuffed animals Could understand me out like a we can all agree on it pick i always want a super cute pick yeah okay i when i was little i believe that my stuffed animals could understand me oh that's super cute so would you like talk to them when nobody was around well but like i would talk to them sometimes in my head and i thought that they could understand me in my head like i did i sometimes did talk to them out

loud but i definitely was like sometimes like telepathically talking to them and they understood me because they were mine did they oh wow did they say anything back to you like did they communicate they they were usually agreeing with me I mean come on let's say you're having like these debates yeah no we were not debating it was everyone was basically I was it was also like me like kind of letting them know what was going on yeah like you're updating them yes that makes it wasn't Yeah. Like you're updating them. Yes. That makes sense.

It wasn't like too intense. They're your friends. Yeah, they're my friends. Yeah. Communicating telepathically makes as much sense as anything else. Yeah. You're talking like, yeah, stuffed animals. Yeah.

Yeah. You're already talking to a stuffed animal. Yeah. Maybe that's what I was doing when I was like alone having like a two, one. Yeah. You're communicating with the space. I stuffed animals all my life. Yeah.

And fun fact, I still sleep with the same teddy bear that I've slept with since I was two years old. Damn, that's awesome. Also cute. Wow. What's his name? Huggies. Huggies, of course. Because he showed up on the day of my my mom ordered him, you know, like through Huggies diapers. Yeah. She just sent in those stamps or whatever. Oh, like the proof of

purchases? Yeah, and she sent it in. He showed up literally on my birthday. She gave him to me and he has like a heart on his chest that says, I heart sent it in. He showed up literally on my birthday. She gave him to me and he has like a heart on his chest that says I heart Huggies. And because I'm two years old, I was like, he has famous Huggies. He loves himself. That's awesome.

Yeah, he loves himself. Excellent pick. Sean, your final pick. Pulling the covers over your face made you like invisible. Oh, safe. I would say it made you safe. Yeah, yeah. For me, like that's how it was for me. I definitely felt safe when I was under the covers.

Felt like armor. Yeah. I didn't think that I wasn't there, but it was more like, well, nobody, who's going to fuck with me now? Nobody can fuck with you. I got the sheet over my head. Yeah.

That's how the Ku Klux Klan started. I dare the bloods to try to come get me. Yeah, just a bunch of scared white dudes. Pulling the sheet over their head. I'm safe.s to try to come get me. Scared white dudes. Pulling the sheet over their head. I'm safe. Who's going to fuck with me now? I'm safe. The safety zone.

Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. Home base. Home base. You can't. Home base. Time for my final pick. This is a weird one.

When I was a kid, I thought I was going to be famous. Really? I was 100% sure of it. I remember clearly... That's wild. Autographing, like, so I had my bed

and then I had this, like, headboard that was, like, shelves and whatever and, like, drawers, whatever, that your bed... But, like, I could kind of, like, sneak under it and I remember autographing

the plasterboard there. Wow. Being like, this is going to be worth one day. Somebody's going to be like, this was Ian Carmel's childhood headboard. So did you know, like, how you're going to be famous? No idea.

No idea. I just knew, I knew, I was like, one day I'm going to be someone of note to the point where they're going to want my- I'd already written a book. But this is a free book. That's interesting. Oh, this is like young.

This is young. Yeah. Because that's like- Well, this is actually right book that's interesting oh this is like young this is young yeah cause that's like well this is actually right around that era actually but I mean if you think about wait wait when is that kindergarten

first grade second grade but I mean if you think about kindergarten that's when you're first even aware of the idea that people are famous yeah Michael Jackson

yada yada yeah Michael Jackson was my first like I just had this I was like I'm going to be important and famous and I didn't know how

or why is i i had that thought too but the the the the reality of my life made me be like i this is just like a weird thought i'm having like it's almost like a fantasy yeah but i definitely remember i remember thinking like oh i'm gonna be famous like the way that i see michael jackson and stuff be famous but i wanted to be a teacher so i was like the logics don't make sense like how are you going to do both of those things and it wasn't not how it was like no that doesn't that's impossible because i want to be a teacher because i believed i was going to be a teacher when i was a little kid yeah i was like i'm going to be a teacher that's what i want to do that's what i've always wanted to do so that's what i'm going to do and so it was weird because now it's interesting to

think back on those thoughts because i'm like i'm gonna do and so it was weird because now it's interesting to think back on those thoughts because i'm like i'm definitely headed in that direction that my intuition was guiding me as a child you're more right about the famous thing yeah the teacher yeah it's fucking weird so you picked the teacher thing to go with for a while i did i was like going to school to be a teacher because yeah i was like i'm gonna be a teacher that's what that's it's because it's legitimately what I wanted to do. I wanted to help children. But what's funny is

I still want to help children. I realize I don't have to teach to help children. But I think back when I was five years old, that's what I believed. So that's interesting because I do remember

having those thoughts, but not in like a phantasmical way like you were having. Yeah. Mine was like pretty lofty. Yeah. And I'm glad there was no logic tied to it. I was just like,

I am. And I remember it going away as I got like older. I was like, no, that's like crazy. I thought I was going to be a lawyer and everything like,

but then. And then life takes a turn. Getting into comedy, I was like, oh, really weird. Not that I'm like famous or anything, but like it's closer to.

That'd be. Yeah. I only know one, and he died. Johnny Cochran? Yeah, of course it was Johnny Cochran. That's the final pick. We did it. That was fun.

That was wild. We were drafting things you believed as a child. David, you went first, and you took all rappers that are telling the truth. Everyone with the same last name is related. Chewing gum would kill you if you swallowed it. The all rappers are telling the truth. Everyone with the same last name is related. Chewing gum would kill you if you swallowed it. The video games are cheating. And then when the lights went out, your mom was leaving the house to go to her house.

So sad. So many issues. So many issues. For the record, Martin said Jesus. We grew up completely different. He's fine. He's really good. I know, but that's why he's realizing how fucked up you are. He learned a lot about you today, didn't you?

Yes. Yes, he said yes. I mean, you know, we also got fades. It was fine. It's been a long day. Marcelo, you went second. You thought wrestling was real. Your parents don't lie to each other.

That your mother's name was Mommy. No Santa Claus. And that your stuffed animals couldn't understand you. Yeah. Sean, you went third. You took peeing in the pool. If you did it, it would show up, so don't even try. Adults are always right.

Mile high stadium in Denver, Colorado. The building itself from the ground was a mile high up in the air. I was the most embarrassing pick of the whole group. Water beds are cool. Pulling the covers over your face makes you invisible or at least safe yeah i went last and i took aliens are real and they're going to abduct me my little sister elisa carmel on the verge of becoming a doctor is the devil i believed it uh i thought playing piano was lame i thought i would not only survive but thrive in a home alone situation. That's the best. That's a great one.

My final one was that I would someday be famous. Do you still have that headboard? No, it's gone somewhere. Ashes to ashes. Well, we left a lot of stuff on the board. I mean, so many things. Raphael was the best Ninja Turtle.

Michelangelo was the best Ninja Turtle. Catch it. That's where I go now. Goats are just male sheep. Drugs are bad. Ninja Turtle. Michelangelo. He was a party dude. Goats are just male sheep. Drugs are bad. I bet you were a huge drugs are bad. I was too. Massively. Now I love them.

I always wanted to get in there. What about swallowing watermelon seeds would grow watermelon? I never believed that because I feel like I would have seen it. That's a great jacket. Marcella's got a great jacket. Is that the jacket you're talking about? Can we end this? Oh, yeah.

We've gone long enough. Goodbye. Marcella's calling her shit. She fucking called rap on herself. Her and Jean-Claude Van Damme are the only two people I've seen call rap on themselves. It's amazing. We want to hear yours, All Fantasy Everything family. Please hit us up, All Fantasy Pod, on Twitter.

AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Extra special shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Extra special shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon holding us down. Thank you so much. We love you. Shout out to super producer Marissa. Marissa! She is the best.

Yeah, we love you. She's killing it. She's making me a table. She's making you a table? She is the best. Yeah, we love you. She's killing it. She's making me a table. She's making you a table? Yeah, it's crazy. She makes tables, y'all. She makes tables? Hit her up.

Commission her. What can't she do? Comerissa her? Comerician? Comerician her. Comerician her gourd. Comerician her gourd. A well-made Melnick? I'm in.

I'm in. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude in Shout out to Frankie Ocean Shout out to Sid the Dude Shout out to Haji Beats Shout out to fucking Miami Beach Shout out to Miami Beach from the movie Bohemian Rhapsody Shout out to Snowy Plovers Just Florida man I'll be there next week

You'll be there Oh I just said shout out to Florida man Shout out to Florida bro Sure sure Shout out to The, bro. Sure, sure. Shout out to the good flight I had today. Shout out to the doctor's appointment I had the other day. Yes, sir. Healthy living.

Shout out to slam dunk contests. Shout out to Derek Jones Jr. Yeah, yeah. DJJ. Shout out to engineering. Just in general. Shout out to Martin. Shout out to having a fucking world-class athlete in the Fortress Assault.

How's it happen to us this morning when I left? Grab that mic. Thank you. You're welcome. A lot. You can just talk into that. Anything to close it out on, Martin? I thought I would be taller.

Yeah. That would have been my pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I would have been tall. When you were a kid, you thought like, I'm going would be taller. Yeah. That would have been my pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I would have been tall. When you were a kid, you thought, like, I'm going to be hella tall. Mom and dad, they, like, they never... Your parents are both really small. They kind of backed it up, but, like, they never...

Yeah, I thought you were going to be taller. You're real buff, though, so that's cool. Yeah, I grew outwards, not upwards. Yeah, and you got, like, an athlete neck, so you're doing good. Yeah, the athlete neck is, like... I saw So you're doing good Yeah An athlete neck is like Did I saw him with a shirt Off this morning I was like

Get the fuck out of my house Button ups don't work I can't button up The last two buttons Let's finish this Cry me a river See Just

Just Every rose has its thorn Cry me a friggin river So you and me We can be the same In some respects Oh You ripped his face off

Listen man David's got his face R ripped off by his little brother. I have nothing to lose, dog. I'll put this down, man. I wake up. I wake up wishing I could beat up a little bit. Not even a mic drop. He set the mic down.

You're 18. You'll be in the cell with me, man. I don't give a fuck, man. You just missed Martin rip David's face off. Are you guys still going? I got some cold soup and some hot salad, so more important than all this. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

Sha-clackity! that was a hate gum podcast