All Fantasy Everything - Things You Can Do With $10 (w/ Sam Tallent, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

What up All Family! Let it be known that the good vibes gang can be mad thrifty when we need to! That’s why we got together this week to draft “Best Ways To Spend $10!” This weeks guest is a hilarious comedian, newly published author, and known money management king Sam Tallent! Enjoy! Episode Guest:Sam Tallent IG: @samtallentOrder Sam's book at samtallent.comSponsors:Hawthorne - Use promo code ALLFANTASY for 10% off your first purchase at Hawthorne.co.Manscaped - Get 20% off and free shipping with the code ALLFANTASY at Manscaped.com.Box of Awesome - Get 20% off your first monthly box with code ALLFANTASY at boxofawesome.com.Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything in pop culture, from action movie heroes to things to do when you're stoned, and everything in between. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and on today's episode, we're drafting things to do with $10, because there's a lot of us right now who only have about $10.

Our special guest today is comedian Sam Talent. You may have seen him perform on the Chris Gethard Show or in the short film, The Lot. His new podcast, Chubby Behemoth, is coming out soon, and his new book, Running the Light, is available at samtalent.com. As always, joining us are close friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that is reclining on its bed right now. Yeah.

Because it aggravated its sciatic nerve. I was saying you look like that Persian kitty that you drafted a couple weeks ago. Looks like you fell out of your wheelchair. Like you're just ready to dish with the gals. That's exactly what it is. Can I get a little heel kick in the background? Are your legs crossed behind you? They are now.

Yeah, absolutely. And now they're crossed a different way. And now they're crossed the original way again. It's getting sexy in here. I like it, man. I'm in. I'm in for the whole ride, babe. You look so much more like a skateboarder than I think any time in the time I've known you.

And you've always been a skateboarder. Dude, I've been feeling it. But it's like the haircut, I think the weight loss, dude. Yeah, I've been stoned, man. I think it's the stretched out neck of his t-shirt. The stretched out neck of the t-shirt? Like he's been pulling it over a helmet. Like I've been chewing on it? Yeah.

Watching other people drop into the ball dude i gotta tell you i gotta tell you guys this shit i got i got like vibed out by some tough guy at the park the other day i don't know what that it means he was like you you get in the context like he was he was clocking me hard so i get there it was in the tron by the, and you're probably related to him somehow. So I get to the Tron and there's two girls on roller skates and like, very, very attractive. One of them was all tatted up. My tough guy.

So these girls told me to leave and I was like, whatever tough guy. And I got out of here. They vibed me. So these girls are on roller skates. They're attractive. One of them's all tatted up like portland style and i i see this dude right when i get there and he stands up and i could just tell

him like oh you're probably a dick and then like a big cloud of smoke puffed out of his face not nothing against smoking weed or whatever but he did it like an asshole and i'm like all right so i roll up and i the first thing i do is i get to the ramp and he gets up there and he goes to this girl and this is exactly what he says he's like yeah i know you're not really feeling talking to anyone right now but check this out and in my mind i'm like oh he's been talking to her all day she's not talking back as a cue to be like shut the fuck up and he just wasn't taking it so then i was like all right so i kind of looked at him a little bit and he's definitely gnarlier than i am wait what did he do when he said, check this out?

Did he do it? No, he did a trick that I almost went and did right in front of him. He did that take in the front of your finger thing off that little magic trick. I know. I've been peeping you in this club all night. They both have Pokemon tattoos. You're like,

yeah, check it out. So he drops in and then I, like he goes over and I hear her go to her friend she's like god he's been talking to me all fucking day it's like dude stop you know so i just looked at him a little bit just a little bit just to kind of see like what happens if something happens nothing in my mind anyway so he goes to his car and he takes his shirt off and he comes back and he sits down and he lights up a blunt and he's just staring at me. And I'm like, ah, bummer.

What time of day is this? This is like 7 p.m. And so I hung out until I saw some other dudes come up. Not like anybody needs guys to protect him, but I just didn't want to leave a situation unattended. There were tons of kids there, but you know. So anyway, these two dudes came up and I was like, all right. And then I dipped because the dude was like looking at me as if he was going to solve the problem on me because i you know i i don't think he was looking to do anything but he caught me staring at him and it was just a shitty situation because i was like damn where aren't we all supposed to be chilling right now who spoke so blunt and then gets angrier i

don't know man gnarly dudes that's what you're saying like whoa yeah yeah he probably thought that you were the girl's father there to pick them up. That could definitely be it. Daddy's here to cock block. Jasmine. Get in the forerunner, Jasmine. We're losing money. We're losing money, Jasmine.

All right? I got to get back to work. You'd name your daughter girl after the skateboarding brand? It's feminine. It's skateboarding. World Industries, get in the van. Yeah. It's feminine. It's skateboarding. World Industries, get in the van. Yeah, I bet. I guess the point is I have been skating a bunch, and it's fun.

Did part of you consider ollieing over him? You should have done a cry stare over his bald head. Yeah, dude. Cry stare right over his ass. All right. Taking notes. I'll do it, babes. Babes.

I say babes. Did you call us babes? Babes. Later, babes yeah that garage went straight to your head sean's coming to us from some kind of bunker somewhere deep in inland oregon right now he's surrounded by multicultural bandanas and there's a fireplace that has nothing in it is there a fireplace down there yeah laura's trying to make it into she's trying to help me church it up which i'm digging she put like a fireplace mantel uh and then put like a pad on there to like that

would look like a fire and then she put some like a board and then the val kilmer doll that someone sent me and then the shaklakity thing that i just showed you guys oh hell yeah wait so this is like your man cave it's the lab bro this is where i got some jerky in there what i got about 10 about 12 pairs of shoes that i've purchased since this quarantine and it looks like a gender neutral cave yeah it's a boy cave because of all the bands yeah it's a it's a cave is what it is okay and there's a green bandana if i want to be a latin king and a purple bandana if i want to be grape street and then pink whatever pink is and you know i got them all i want to be in the pink ladies if you want to be a part of the susan g coleman breast foundation the first gang yeah those are the scariest girls on the block

they've been through it they got they've seen death yeah they persevered yeah dude out here did you wear the wrong bandana to the skate park is that the that might have been it he did wear They've seen death. They persevered. Yeah, dude. Out here. Did you wear the wrong bandana to the skate park? Is that the issue? That might have been it. It was a yellow day. He wore a green. Flying the wrong flag. Yeah.

I wore the Wednesday bandeezy on the Monday. We've all been there. Yeah. Were the girls doing roller skating tricks? Dude, even dropping in on roller skates would be tricky, man. I don't know how you do it. Wait, yeah. What were they doing on roller... That's fucking two scoops and not answering my question, dude.

Did they do any tricks? Not that I saw. All right. As far as I'm concerned, doing anything on wheels is an amazing trick. Yeah. I can glide on rollerblades. It looks pretty cool. I got video footage of that house or the street.

Dude, it's so funny to think back on that like with the neighbors at the time if they were looking i bet they were just like this dude is the opposite of us a bunch of a bunch of armenians just watching me and the tank top and a bucket hat a flower bucket hat yeah zach and i like laughing almost as hard as we were laughing at the fucking turtles as you rollerblading down the street. Floating down the street. Can you rollerblade backwards? I can rollerblade backwards.

That's how you know. That's the test, right? Yeah. One of the tests. There's a series. It's like the Jedi trials. That was in the presidential fitness exam. Rollerblade frontwards, rollerblade backwards, attempt one, pull up.

I've never done a pull up in my entire life. Me either, brother. Having to hang there when you're 13. Oh my God. You got some angry gym teacher with the stop clock. Like five, four. Yeah, that was brutal. Keep counting, fucking Coach Phillips.

I'm not going to do one. Getting you in more and more fights. The louder it gets, you're like, all you're doing is making me have to stick up for myself in the locker room more now i could have done the rope if i was pulling something down that it was attached to it was more likely that i would have it was some kind of pulley and a lever there's the horizontal ropes back then everybody does the horizontal ropes oh yeah david you would have crushed the horizontal ropes i would have crushed the horizontal ropes. I would have crushed the horizontal ropes. That's what was stopping you.

I've definitely seen the intro to Ballers, David. I do know what horizontal ropes are. Kane is in the building. Kane is in the building? Yeah, it's Kane, but it's haters. You know what I did one time? I'm so buck. I kicked Kane out of the building, dude.

What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, dude. Fucking crazy, bruh. It's Kane's building. All right, man. You let Ab are you talking about? Yeah, dude. Fucking crazy, bruh. It's Kane's building. Alright, man. You let Abel stay? Huh? You let Abel stay? That's a biblical reference. Kane and Abel. Oh, I don't...

No, I don't read. Well, the Bible's pretty important to most of modern literature. You might want to check it out. I read the Bible once. And I read a book on ICP once. And on Motley Crue. And on Tookie. Are those your books? ICP, Tookie, and the Bible? It wasn't Tookie.

It was Monster Cody Scott. So it was Monster Cody Scott. Oh, yeah. I have that book. ICP, Tookie, and the Bible is also his pilot that he's been working on. And my band before any of them were a band. So, yeah. ICP, Tookie, and the Bible.

Oh, my gosh. Those are three.in and john dude three different masks i'll tell you that guy who's read those books is sean s jordan on twitter sean cougar melon jordan on instagram you're the king the transition king there it is dude i'm transitioning like sean in a in a in a skate park that the transitions move right yeah we go from the bowl to the street it's tricky because if you hear skateboarders talk they call it it's they say tranny so when you hear a skateboarder talk they and if you if you hear the right thing you'll be like yeah the tranny the tranny sucked and you're like can we just say transition can we just say that for everyone who doesn't know but that's gonna get confusing because then you're thinking they think they're talking about their transition lenses that they all know you guys love a transition lens right indoor outdoor yeah yeah well you can't be getting the sun in your eyes if you got glasses on that's

just crazy hey you can't be like laden down with an extra pair of glasses when you're when you're skateboarding when you're shredding shrouding thrashing what was that second one you said shrouding isn't shrouding like a breakfast food you can only get in Philadelphia? I thought it was a war crime committed against Native Americans. I think Smith is the one who, as far as I know, he's the one that pioneered shroud thing. So good on you.

You're thinking of Scrapple, Ian, which is a delightful breakfast mud pie. It's so good. Oh yeah. That's that Pennsylvania shit. Yeah. It's just pretty much like snouts and hooves. Yeah. I ate some some what scrapple is what it's called i ate some scrapple after

the philadelphia show after we did karaoke then i went out for breakfast and had scrapple then you remember that yeah yeah i remember going i remember you fucking singing uh bonnie rate song too which one was it oh man not at the i don't remember that something to talk about i think at that diner i got flashes of like i got i don't i remember trying to get that hotel room for seven hours that's what i remember yeah yeah super wasted like no we need two rooms because i'm a good friend and the guy was like just give me your credit card and i was like i don't think you fucking get it we're on tour man i need another he's not asking you like bro i could afford another room i know mr bory we'll get you one

i said i have the money sir what i said this is a bed bath and beyond coupon i'm all tied up in bullion right now are you asking me for a credit card why don't you pick a room and send it room service on me i have the money sir give me this pen can i have this pen yes you can well i don't care i'm taking it because i have the digits are we sold out dc those are the last four digits all right i have the means to do it listen i don't give a shit about philadelphia all right i'll sleep on the fucking street brother the city of brotherly i have the money so give me a room philadelphia philemon love i know it do you break it down you're a fucking hack fucking prop comic rocky belbo uh give me

another room i have the money yeah that was basically the philly episode for everybody that's pretty much exactly what happened it's coming out we're gonna drop it next week though so keep keep an eye out for that. Yeah, right after Detox. It's coming out right after. As soon as Dre drops Detox, we'll put up the Philly episode. Sean, what have you got going on, man, other than not getting into fights at skate parks? I have an album on A Special Thing Records. You can download it, or you can buy it, or you can stream it.

And I also just got more flasks. So if want one dm me and i'll send you one for uh gentlemen's 26 unless you're in canada would you say that's the flasking price yeah i've said that's the general flasking price that's a nice flask fee yeah uh if you flash me for one and you're in the great the great north uh it's gonna cost about a hundred dollars so what it costs you know i've never tried to ship shit to canada it's yeah i asked this girl at ups in her eyes she's like oh uh you know 80 dollars and i was like are you serious for this wow she's like yeah and then and then they might have a fee to get it because they you sometimes you have to pay a fee an extra fee on top of that. And everybody hates us right now.

So they probably don't want it. And for every unit you sell and ship yourself, you're going to have to fill out a customs form. Yeah. And then I'm on the grid. When you ask for a customs form at the post office, they pull out a gun and they blow their head off. That's why so many postal workers have gone postal. It's because of customs forms. That's honestly flasking too much of our Canadian listeners.

That's good to know, though, for those of us in the States. We got a lot of bullshit to deal with right now, so you need that flask. So pick that up. The G is silent on Twitter. Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram. David Borey in the streets.

What's the... Oh, Tay Biggs? Is that the nickname? Tay Biggs in the streets yep what's the oh tay biggs is that the in the sheets i think you said oh that's dope that i said that cool yeah dude tay biggs i can't tay biggs is the best man go ahead sir i'm doing uh i'm doing fine i don't have anything to promote yeah but uh you know listen to some stuff and watch some stuff and you may see my voice soon i love that sam's here so i was gonna i've been promoting his book by sam's book uh you know man the next book i'm gonna read i'm stoked unless i get that ms-13 book first which ms-13 book i don't know i just i i looked for it's not the most popular reviewed one but i looked for whatever they had in the library next to us and it's like the second

allegedly the second best ms-13 book uh i don't have a library card surprise surprise so the queen is waiting for it for me well then that's not that's on the grid too dude so it's like you can't they're gonna be like whoa ms-13 this girl's gnarly wait why don't you have a library card they give literally anyone a library card uh i got one when i was eight i ain't been for a while you have children yeah they get people without addresses library cards well did they deny you? Did you try to get one? You pretty much just have to be alive. Yeah, I didn't try to get one. I mean, it's a little hot in my corner right now.

How'd this happen? I had nothing to promote, so I had to deflect. We just got central AC and somehow I'm warm in the house. Sam's here, right? There's no test. There's no test. They're not going to you like who wrote Catch Her in the Rye or whatever you just get one I just have to go in and flask them and they'll give it to me

if you flask they'll give it to you well I suppose I better wash your ass first hey you gotta wash your ass if you want a library card I'll tell you that Sammy Sam's becoming a wash your ass comedian that's his like catchphrase I love a good catchphrase Sean I'm all for it pal yeah next comedy festival we have

in denver you better wash your ass 2024 the days of a not fully gray beard will be of a bygone era my friend oh you're gonna are you know i think you should put in that really dark black just from in oh dude have i have i told you this or did you just say that it's a bit i've threatened laura with it all the time where i'm like one of these days i will have a jet black beard and it's gonna be a day you're like alan rickman and die hard yeah jet black but the rest is all the rest is all gonna stay the same and i'm like it's gonna be a day where we're gonna see people not like important it's not gonna be like our wedding day but you're gonna be bummed that i have it and i'm going to do it i'm never gonna bring it up and i'm just gonna have a jet black beard in front of your friends like you know when i meet

her friends that she wants to be like look at isn't sean cute and i'll be like jet black beard laura is that what marriage is like you'll spend all day talking about Chechnya with your jet black beard? Yeah. This is my fiance, the devil himself. I'll have like a half empty bottle of vodka with one shot glass in front of my raw steak that I'm eating for dinner.

There it is. Sam talent is here. Sam talent with two L's on Instagram. Yep. And you've got a couple things to promote. Why don't you tell us about them? Well, before I get into it, I just want to say thank you to the All Fantasy Everything fans.

All Fantasy Everyone. I like it. Yeah. All Fantasy Everywhere. Yeah. You know, the AFV fans have been so kind to me. The only nice part of the internet with my name on it is the all fantasy everything subreddit so just thank you guys for being nice in a in a

bleak and heartless soulless void of a world the other part is white supremacy zines yeah well they love you I do they never yell at their editor a lot of if they want to get published they gotta be nice you know a lot of deep hierarchy for god's sake a lot of deep idaho shit going on i went deep idaho for a brief period yeah but buy my book i'm promoting my book on samtalent.com running the light canane wrote the foreword david likes it so that means you guys all have to like it too. Yeah.

So good. Oh yeah. Sick. There's just enough hate speech in there to make it interesting. Good, good, good. Is there a Patreon level that you have where you will read it to me?

I don't have a Patreon, man. I like to do one job and receive pay for it. I don't like to, uh, you know, keep my hand out there. Oh no, you don't like to have your hands in many different businesses no i'm kidding i'm also i'm also a burgeoning shrimp

farmer i am here to announce that i'm opening a shrimp farm uh so if you guys need any shrimp in about 150 days hit me up I'll be going wholesale is this real are you opening a shrimp farm yeah man we got the permits I'm opening a shrimp farm with my brother-in-law and my strange scientist friend and we're gonna have shrimp is that how you describe Jetson

people yeah dude okay I mean there's pharmacy sciences I mean he's a double doctorate from School of Mines. He has a doctorate in robotics and AI. School of Mines, Rapid City, South Dakota School of Mines? No, no, the good one. Don't say them now.

Let's not go down the road, bud. Let's not go down that road. That's not what Jay said to Nas. It's Mines School Beef. Yeah, it is Mines School Beef. Not the School of Mimes that you guys have now sam mines in golden colorado all right sam okay i've heard of it i'm remembering all this stuff bro all of it he's he's gonna make eye contact with you at a skate park dude yeah if you're not careful then i'm

gonna see two other guys and convince myself that they'll solve the problem and then run away hand off the baton because the avengers showed up i didn't even know you could farm shrimp where is it happening it's happening in an indoor facility somewhere in rural colorado wow that's where i want all my seafood from yeah i feel like that has never been said about seafood before. It's fun. Well, we're also selling the eggs. So if anyone needs any larval shrimp, let us know. We got those on the line. You came to the right place.

You had my interest. Now you have my attention. Yeah, man. I mean, that's where the money is. The demand for shrimp is not met by the supply. If you knew how many times I've heard him say that since we were in the ninth grade. Usually I'm pounding

a table or holding a rifle. This is a lot less violent. This is really the calmest it's ever come out. I fucking love shrimp, man. I love this for you. Yeah, man. Shrimp. You guys want to invest. I can set you up with a shrimp facility

uh that's where the money is man is is we're going to start making the facilities eventually and that's when we get oh he's a shrimp franchisor he's like the mcdonald's of shrimp yeah i'm the crustacean kingpin we don't want to start out uh all shrimp everything because we don't want to compete with your shrimp business but perhaps we could get into some sort of other aquatic food-based business as a podcast. Well, mollusks are big. Crawdads, you know. But yeah, just stay out of the shrimp game. Crawl fantasy everything?

Not bad. I mean... We took two or three Patreon cycles? I know, it's not great. Can we... We might not crack this shell right now. Mall fantasy everything? I think you take it back to the writer's room.

Okay, yeah. We'll whiteboard it. Stay one. And my name is Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on Twitter. Ian Carmel on Instagram. Ian Carmel on Jewish. Oh, boy.

I should have prepared. Have you done hinge? Is Jewish hinge? Jew hinge. Locker fish? hinge? is Jewish hinge? hinge sucks Jewish hinge though let's say it I'm on Jewish jinge looking for minge on jinge I do not enjoy hinge

of all the dating apps which is crazy because I've heard other people like it which one's hinge? hinge is just one of the I don't know it's the one where you set up a street fight yeah nice dude i've been on hinge since way back then the girl gets to pick the weapons and then you show up yeah you pick the location yeah have you done lots of gefilte fish i haven't that's plenty of gefilte fish that's a fucking great idea no i i have literally been on j swipe which is like the jewish tender and i found that oh to be a bit much god that's there's lots of gefilte fish in the sea

i just got it that's awesome thank you i have nothing to promote nothing to declare uh by the time this comes out the last episode of game on will have aired so thank you for watching it maybe we'll get to do more who knows i have no idea but either way it was super fun and thank you for watching it listen to all fantasy everything yeah that's that's kind of it that's kind of it dude i like how you said that's that's kind of it when you're uh promoting your television show i got really nothing going on the last episode of my television show is airing oh just this old thing yeah my network television show but other than that it's pretty quiet uh that's that's

fucking it oh here's the thing i when i was in portland had i i felt like sort of a tightness in my chest when i and i had when i had driven up to Portland and like, then it kind of went away and then I was like, oh, that's kind of concerning. It didn't hurt, but it was like a tightness. And I, uh, didn't do anything. Sean, we hung out, you know, we had some drinks and then I had like some chicken wings and I woke up the next morning at like 5am with like my heart racing. And I was like, what the fuck is going on so i i went to the i went to the doctor later that day and i had like very high blood pressure and now it's so don't please don't worry i've got it all under control it's dropped like so many points i'm on some light

medication and change my diet and all that stuff and like i feel way way way way better but uh it's a kind of thing i had like known was an issue for a while and like had just sort of stuck my head in the sand and was ignoring and now just being like two three weeks out from that and already feeling like so much better and seeing like my numbers go like way down to where now they're in like a healthy level and everything uh i just want to encourage everyone if you're kind of on the fence if you've got like something like this and i know this is like hard to say because like people's uh health care availability in this fucking country is like if you have the means is is is tough if you have the means or even if you like i don't know it's i've i just want to encourage people to like, go get that thing checked out.

It's so, it's so worth it. And like, when you hide from it, it'll find you eventually if you don't go find it. So like, uh, yeah, I'm,

I'm feeling way better. I don't want to, don't, you don't have to worry about me or anything like that. Um, except for my sciatic nerve, which I think has more to do with Judaism than my weight. But,

uh, yeah, I just want to encourage everyone to like look at that jewish 100 part mitzvah and everything damn you washed his ass for him dude i love it it was i think when you're like especially i know there's like some some other like thicker dudes and and women too probably who listen to this and it can be like very scary and intimidating to go to doctors because they're often very condescending pricks. And they're like, have you tried losing weight? I'm like, yeah, every day, every day forever.

I've tried losing. What the fuck are you talking about? But like you can find doctors who are empathetic. And even if they're not like confronting that shit, you will feel so much better about it. And I already feel so much better about it. So that's just. Did you get a COVID test? I did get a COVID test.

In the nose? I got the result. Yeah, in the nose. It took 15 days to get my results. I got them today. I teared up a little bit. It doesn't hurt, right? It just feels weird.

It does. I would classify the way that feels as hurts it hurts yeah your eyes are gonna water yeah walk in the park no it sucks it's not refreshing it sucks for like three seconds and then like my eyes watered like most of the day afterwards yeah but um i'll say this too on that note there are a lot of hospitals most hospitals especially if they're a public hospital have clinics you can go to and And even if you don't have, they have a sliding scale system. My wife is in her first year residency. She's working in one of these clinics most days of the week.

So, yeah, don't be afraid. Like, they do want to help you. And Medicaid is not that hard to get on. So, yeah, way to go, Ian. Way to take your own health into your hands. Thank you. It's scary, man. It's mad scary.

That's what it was. It was scary for like a day or two you know what i mean and like but then it feels then like the medication starts working and your behavioral changes start working and like it just i don't know it feels really good and i know like i was the person on the other side of that for a long time and i'll you know and still am on some things but like it just feels so much better to address it so it does suck going to the doctor as more of a porcine or corpulent human being yeah because they're like oh you're a big fat pig did you know that yeah that's exactly what you call yourself a porcine yeah porcine means piggish yeah i know what it means i just i've never i've never heard anyone

to say that i'm the only other person i've ever heard say that that's hilarious dude well that was his name is a drink his mixtape was the porcine dream yeah that sounds like a nickname for river like oh you uh you're afraid for your health why haven't you done literally anything to prevent that fear it's like okay thank you i'm here i'm here right now yeah you are you fat little pig i'm gonna get some blood how long how long until it stops being gravy and starts turning into blood yeah instead of putting the tongue depressor in your mouth they put an apple in there it is it's always been on my because it's my fault with the doctor where it's like uh i'll tell them

how many drinks i have per week and they're like well first thing let's say you didn't have 30 and i'm like well let's say i do then is there is there another way to pick i've since tried to curb that but like 10 years ago when i'd go and i'd be like for real probably 40 or 50 drinks a week and they're like well i'll tell you what dude chill it out and that's always like when someone's sick or whatever especially my friends back in the day i'd be like i can tell you what it is it's getting shit-faced every night that's i'll tell you right now but since i've stopped i'm going to the dermatologist this week i made a dermatology appointment because i have a little bump on my shoulder that i'm like you know what go in see i haven't looked at i'm sure it's nothing but it's like i'm doing it you know it's probably some wing sprouting you fucking angel

oh i love you thank you i love you too it's that kind of podcast folks the kind where we love each other now we are gathering here today not only to talk about going to get, you know, potential medical ailments diagnosed and addressed, but also to draft things that you would do with $10. The best things to do with $10 American currency. And the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you. And we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh! game of rock paper scissors played between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissors shoot oh sean wins good strategy dawson stepping up to the plate dude say word bruh sean as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine

the order of today's draft but before you do, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question, David. It's sort of back and forth. Kind of like if you were to start a phrase and then just go backwards with the phrase. So like, Peter picked a pack of pickled peppers. Pickled of pack a picked. Peter picked a pack of pickled peppers.

Pickled of pack a picked. Peter picked a pack of pickled peppers. And just pack. A picked Peter picked a pack of pickled peppers and just kind of back and forth like that. What? That was pretty dope, huh? Yeah, man.

Wasn't that dope? It was really cool. I liked it a lot. Basically what it means is if you look forward to the first round, yeah, David, don't you lie? I thought you stroked out for a minute.

I'm going to see you in a week. I'll stroke out. I got you. Stroke out swinging. I don't know lie. I thought you stroked out for a minute. I'm going to see you in a week. I'll stroke out. I got you stroked out swinging. I don't know what the fuck that was. It means I'm going to beat off. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Meow, meow, meow.

Now, now, now, now, now, now. Let's taste. Now, let's taste. Now, you got to pick up a pep-a-tan. B-Rabbit. That was me. Whoa, dude. That was...

What did you just say? You were Ebony, Ebony, an eight mile i was being b rabbit am i alone in in that my first open mic that i ever did i wanted to do an eight mile joke about how i got up and i was gonna say like you know this is my b rabbit moment those dudes who aren't here did fuck my girl maybe not alone but maybe alone in here yeah for sure yeah i thought i was gonna tear the roof off the place when i was like don't you got it just act like it's eight mile but it's stand-up instead of rapping i did not do like npr jokes and shit like that you know and wait wait don't smell me that yeah uh sean with that knowledge firmly in your brain uh what will the order of today's draft be sam you're going first okay thank you sean your idea

uh i know i had a different idea and it was shot down yeah david gave me a list because you're a bummer uh i'm gonna go second david's third ian's fourth corner all right third i can do sam you have the first pick in the things i do with ten dollars all famous everything draft which we'll get to right after this short break this episode episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay, which, man, wouldn't that be nice?

And it's going to do it all day long. It's like a Swiss army knife for your mind. Might sound like a magic pill. I know I said it before, but that's, I swear to God, the plot of Limitless. It might sound like that, but you can actually get it done. There's the magic of microdosing with Schedule 35. They're products. They're backed by science and dose to a precise amount so you get exactly what you need to tackle your toughest days. And you don't get the hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to de-stigmatize and educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there are a ton. And they also want to make it accessible for everyone.

Each order ships discreetly. No one's going to get in your business. No one's going to be in your kitchen stirring your Kool-Aid. It just comes in a nice little box. And it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code ALLFANTASY at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code ALLFANTASY. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life

insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. So I have life insurance. It had nothing to do with me. It's my wife did everything, but it's tough. It's a hassle to go through and get. You have to research it, which I don't like researching anything. If I buy something,

I just go into the person that works at the store and say, what is right in the middle? What's not the best? What's not the worst? And that is how I do it. With life insurance, obviously you want to be a little bit more careful about that. But how do I know where to start? You know what I mean? I have no idea what to do, where to look. Nobody does. And that's what Policy Genius does. They just go in, they find and compare all the best quotes for you. They just go to all the nation's top insurers, and then they give you your best options. They're just a few clicks, and then you're going to find your lowest price. And then they give you your best options. They're just a few clicks, and then you're going to find your lowest price. And their expert license support team is your advocate. They work for you. They're not getting bonuses. They're not getting anything like

that from certain insurance companies. They're not out there being smarmy. They just want to help you out. They're answering the questions, handling the paperwork, shaking the hands, kissing the babies. They're doing it all for you. And if you don't have life insurance, I know it sucks to talk about or to think about, but you're just going to stick people with the bill. You're going to stick your loved ones with the bill. Don't nobody want to do that. You know what I mean? Get covered. I don't want anyone inheriting my debt. And then they see what I spent money on. Probably. I don't need all that nonsense in my life. Get it covered. Get an insurance policy. Get it handled.

And like I said, Policy Genius gives you unbiased advice from a licensed expert support team. They have thousands of five-star reviews on Google, Trustpilot, from customers who've felt the benefits of their service. So get on it. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate. Oh, yeah, I got a song on Spotify as a rapper.

That's neither here nor there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with PolicyGenius. Head to PolicyGenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's PolicyGenius.com. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country, you figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley, all right?

You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that. Two Damon movies. I'm out here. Obviously, you're not ready for that, but you still want to learn a new language because everyone in the world knows new languages. They know multiple languages, and we all only know one. Get it done with Babbel.

Babbel is going to help you the quickest way possible. You speak like a whole new you when you got Babbel. It's science-backed language learning app and it's going to get you talking fast. It's science-backed. What else do you want? Wasting hundreds of dollars on private tutors. That's the old school way of learning a new language. Babbel, they have these 10-minute lessons. They're quick. They're handcrafted by over 200 language experts. And they're ready to get you talking in three weeks, ready to get you speaking a new language. I should say speaking a new language. You don't talk a language. Anyway, talking is the key to really knowing any language. You have to. you got to do

it. You got to be saying it out loud. And Babbel, they have tools. They have tools on the app where you can speak the language. They'll help you with your accent. There's things where on the app, they will talk to you and then you can decipher what they said. It's all the real world applications that you're going to need to actually use it. You know, Babbel's tips and tools, like I said, it's all the real world applications that you're going to need to actually use it. You know, Babbel's tips and tools, like I said, they're grounded in real life situations. Everything's focused on conversation. So you're going to be ready to talk everywhere you go, because that's the key. Conversation. You want to know how to get by, right? And like I said, little 10-minute segments. They're perfect for, say, someone like myself, don't have a huge attention span. 10 minutes in and out, boom, you're done.

And don't just try a word for word. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, shout out old lady's alma mater, and beyond, they prove that Babbel works. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college, which, come on, that's a no-brainer right there. So give it a try. Honestly, get up in there. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners.

Right now, you get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash allfantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash allfantasy, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash allfantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed if you think you heard another podcast that was a that was a premonition of something to come yeah we're it this is fucking it this is fucking it

will you do me a favor and say a sentence and then say bees like you did in the superhero superpowers draft one. It was really making me giggle the other day. Yeah, absolutely. I will. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't have radicchio in your salad bar? I come to your salad bar.

I already paid $13. I understand it's non-refundable, but there's no radicchio at all. That's an interesting business. Bees! I was dying the other day walking around Reed College thinking about that you were walking around Reed College the other day? I walk around all day man they're gonna make it

unless you go to school there you can't walk around there starting August 3rd and I'm bummed that's where I've been seeing all the owls and beavers and the freaking river otter that we saw you saw an otter? yeah we saw a river otter like a month and a half ago you didn't tell me shit? is this the gay slang otter? we saw you saw an otter yeah we saw a river otter like a month and a half ago told me you didn't tell me sure yeah is this the gay slang otter i hope so i don't know i didn't ask i don't care about that sort of thing he was looking in the mirror yeah are you hairy enough

to be an otter i think you are actually oh what's an otter someone told me i was a twink back in the day and then i then i found buffalo wings and I was no longer a twink. An otter is like a skinnier bear. I'm pretty hairy. It's hairy for sure. I'll be an otter, sure. There's no shame in it. I think it might be the most desirable

phenotype. I think you're hot as fuck, dude. I think everybody in here is a drop-dead gorgeous. Did you say you quit drinking? People are saying, I don't want to say I quit. I just haven't drank in like four months. When Ian was here, I had a couple and I was plowed.

I got back home. I stopped when I was riding the bike home because I'm like, dude, it's the middle of the day and I'm going to get hit by a car. I was like the bike home because I'm like, dude, it's the middle of the day and I'm going to get hit by a car. I was like wobbling. So I stopped at Plaid and I wolfed down a sandwich and some Starburst because I was like, maybe my blood sugar is low. I don't know. And then I get home and Laura's like, almost immediately, she's like, you have a few drinks? And I was like, yeah.

And she's like, I'm just, you just seem different. I was like, yeah. Shit-faced, I think, somehow. I had like three beers and a shot with Sharpie on saturday and i was like fucked up yeah it's good it's good that we've reset our systems i forgot dude i forgot like i mean i've been skating every day and like the level of skating you can do when you're for me when i'm not hung over because i'm almost almost 40. Yeah. It's like, you can do tricks again.

And then I'm like, that is more fun to me than being drunk at night. Like getting up and being able to do tricks on a skateboard is more fun than partying. And I'm like, what am I going to drink down here? Just get shit based in the bunker. Like,

you know, I hope not. A lot of people would, a lot of people would, you're not, which is great. That'd be a different podcast. We'd be doing different kinds of tricks,

bro. Yeah. Turning them yeah well shot i brought it up because you look you just look really good man thanks buddy yeah you you look there's more color in your face you know yeah it wasn't like an active decision but it just kind of happened this way like i i've always wanted to balance it like i don't i i'm realistic and I don't ever want to be the person who's like, I'm never going to drink again. But I also don't need, like Adam's always called me on this. Like, you know, if I stayed at his house when I'm in Denver and he's like,

you'll just get up and take like three shots of whiskey right before you go to bed. Like the second before I go to bed. And he's right, I would do that. And I'm like, I don't need to do that. Drink when there's a reason to, like if I'm around my friends and I want to have a couple and it's fine. And then don't feel compelled to that. Drink when there's a reason to, like if I'm around my friends and I want to have a couple.

And it's fine. And then don't feel compelled to do it just because it's a Friday or whatever. Because that's what it was for a long time. Like this Friday or Saturday, I'm like, I have to. I have been doing this for 20 years. So I can't just not. And then you're like, yeah, you can. You can go to bed at nine o'clock on a Saturday if you want. It's dope.

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday. I just finished watching belly again it's the 10th time i've watched it this month and i text david every single time like you do text me a lot a lot of our texts like hey man i'm watching belly but it's like at the most off-brand time it's like tuesday tuesday 8 at 45 a.m all right man last time i did it was when tory was having the when tory and amy were having the baby and i was house sitting and i was like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna go get some beers i'm gonna watch belly i texted david i let him know and then i was like can i call you later like just setting up my whole night like oh yeah i'll be drunk and i want to talk to david afterwards did you want to talk about belly guy just yeah kind of like dude there's a lot of

stuff to get to the bottom too of belly and the lion king to me have the best intros of two movies ever and that's probably the only two things you're going to find in common with belly and the lion king but the intros to those movies williams joints perfect yeah they are so david by the way i just go puffed you some camera degreaser it should be there soon i don't know what the fuck that means means he's standing outside uh sam oh was your draft i forgot oh we got, we got to do other stuff. We could draft it. Things to do with $10. I want to take this one early because I feel like it's probably on everyone's draft board. Uh, so I'm going to go with put it all on black.

Ah, damn it. Yep. Yeah. Walk in that casino. Take that $10 bill. Slap it on the table. Have the guy yell at you because you don't have the correct chips. Get the chips from the dealer, slap it on black, get rich, or don't go home for a couple days because that was your last 10 bucks. Or die trying is actually what you want to do.

I misunderstood. I thought you meant give it to Wesley Snipes and see what your return on investment is. Oh, bad. He doesn't pay taxes. Yeah yeah he's cooking the books always bet on black yeah man the only time i've ever played roulette was when we were all in vegas together and uh david and i got to the old strip right after you guys left and uh oh yeah when we were walking on the strip that time yeah you're like i'm gonna get some hennessy and a couple styrofoam cups that's exactly what you did we proceeded to drink the hennessy and i went in and i just put money down i was like put it on

black and i won and i was like no shit that's how easy it is and he goes well you can lose it that easy too and it went like four times and i was up 180 and then there was there was so many people around and i needed 180 bucks then i still need it but it's like i needed it and i was like trying to shove people out of the way and just so quick he turned it and i lost it all again before i could even get up so before you could take it off the board yeah it was like three minutes i went up 180 and then i it was just all gone brutal damn but it was fun empires rise and fall in amer every day, bro. Yeah, it's hard to gamble on Hennessy, man.

Hennessy always seems like a bit of a gamble. It's very easy to gamble on Hennessy. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. That's exactly what happens every time. Yeah, and also, apparently black, since it's a darker color, it is more statistically probable to land on black. Sounds like a lie.

Because the space is a little bit hotter. So the ball is more likely to stop on the hot space. I lived in Vegas for two years. They lie in Vegas, dude. You're in your garage screaming about hot spaces? You know how many deadbeats have lived in Vegas for two years?

That doesn't mean shit. Think about the polarity of light, okay? We're all thinking about it. I'd love to hear that argument in other places. I lived in Vegas for a couple years. Black spaces have an extra muscle in their thigh, and that's why. The probability is so much higher for years.

We've all known that. Yeah, they have that fast twitch response. Yeah, Jesus. All the black spaces are from a certain island if you trace it back genetically i don't think i've ever played roulette i don't think i've ever played it's so much fun yeah it's too much fun don't play with the neighbors but you'll have fun if you play it the normal way i'll play russian roulette with a cop who's behind us right fucking now dude go back there last time me and david were in vegas i hit black

17 twice in a row jesus yeah yeah man we've had some fucked up fakes times oh god dude yeah we can't really talk about most of them yeah like what was it like our 28th where our birthdays are three days apart so i think like whatever birthday it was where I went to Denny's on mine, that was like one of the wilder trips I've ever had. Didn't you just go there like three years ago for your guys' birthday? I've gone there a lot of times. Was that the time when we were mooning everybody?

I don't think it all runs together. Dude, we weren't mooning everybody. You and someone else were mooning people at 11 a.m. while I was driving drunk to a fucking seafood buffet. Yeah. And you were hanging your giant black ass out the window. It was so funny.

It's the only time I've heard Sam become a mark. He's just like, no, they'll take my license. I was, it was a crime. You were making a sex crime. I was aiming you in it. And we were all drunk. It was the daytime. My car wasn't registered.

He just called you a mark for that. That's like pretty legit request. Like, hey, get your ass in the cart. Also, roulette balls kept landing on David's ass. Well, I'm statistically more likely to. Yeah. Yeah, David was slapping his ass out the window. People couldn't even tell it was a human ass

because he blocked out the entire Buick LeSabre window. You came around at the end, though. Once we got there safe, I was like, pretty good bit, Dave. But I was like almost crying. It was me and Dookie, right? Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. Oh, my God. bit dave but i was like almost crying who was it it was me and dukey right yeah yeah anyways it's tough when you find yourself trying to be good when you don't deep down you're like i'd

like to be getting buck with you but also can we just not in here and then maybe we can do it when we get back to the house you can move anyone in the living room to be a punk on your birthday no you brought that out of me with your rancid behavior. We also blew up the spot at that hot pot. Yeah, well, that's not a new thing. Just at hot pot screaming. Taking shots at like 11.30 a.m. That's always the funny part when they look they look at you like yeah you're like yeah

brit the shots now to the table for breakfast we were also like 15 deep it wasn't like it was me david aaron urus brent gill like this was the day they've been training for those are lunatics those are a bunch of lunatics you just named i know that was like that was at night me and brent fell asleep in the middle of a dice game like we were playing dice until like seven in the morning. And we just both fell asleep on the floor. Brent fell off the top bunk that night. We heard this giant thump like Santa fell down the chimney. And it was Brent Gill's lifeless body on the floor.

What bunk? Where did you find bunk bed? We were in this porno mansion yeah this was like where the best boy in the grip stay yeah it was like it was like we rented a straight up porno mansion with a pool a boy cave oh so you like airbnb the place fuck i want to go to vegas that sounds so fun yeah it was a good time man one of these days. As soon as it's okay again, we're going to have some fun as soon as it's okay again. Go back to Vegas.

Sean's going to put some more whiskey in a whale bone. Yeah, dude. A whiskey in a whale bone that recently had, what was it, a pina colada in it? It still had the pina colada in it. It still had the pina colada. I just churched it up a little bit, you know? Put a little extra sasson in there.

Put it all on black. Sean, time for your first pick. I just churched it up a little bit, you know? Put a little extra sazon in there. Put it all on black. Sean, time for your first pick. I'm going to take that 10 bucks. I'm going into whatever's around whatever convenience store and I'm buying 10 scratch-off tickets. Hey, scratch-a-latos. Great call. Yeah, man.

That is, because they're always fun. By the way, a little sneak attack. Those are a dope Christmas present in a pinch. Everybody's digging them. So if you just got like five bucks. Dude, how about this, though? When someone wins, I've never been more furious. I get pretty stoked on it.

Oh, when you buy one for somebody? Yeah. I bought one for someone and they pulled in $1,000. Oh, no, that sucks. That sucks. Because that's like supposed to be, I bought that. You used your luck on their ticket, you think. Yeah.

Let's go around the table. So if I won $1,000 on a gifted ticket, I bet you I would give that person $200. Yeah. Correct. I bet I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to.

It's protocol. What do you think? No, no, no, no, no. You'd give them a stern look. I'd give them 10 and a link to this podcast whenever it comes out. With a time stamp. As you can see, I went on record. It's nothing nothing personal and here's some fun ideas for your ten dollars here's ten dollars american and uh yeah yeah man i break

them off some money maybe not 200 ah it's just like it's you know it's it's i'd be because it was all it was all it's all it's not it's, I'd be so. Cause it was all, it was all, it's all, it's not, it's all positive. You know what I mean? I bet I would regret my decision to give them 200, but right away I'd be like, you get 200. And then I'd be like, why'd you, well, you gotta do it now. Cause when the money hits, you get, when it hits, you get that drunk off of it getting hit. Yeah.

That's what you're chasing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is, I've done that. I, oh gosh. When I was a kid, I used to do that. And I recently, in the last couple years, started doing it again for Christmas, just

like getting people scratches. And it's like the joy, it's almost like you handed them car keys or something, because they're just like, dude, I haven't done this in years. And you're like, yeah. I would never think to get it for myself. That's great advice. It really is great advice. It is also advice from the white ghetto.

Oh, 100%. Yeah. I like that Ian's on it now. Everybody, we got to come at this thing from all the angles. It's a pincer attack. Charlie and the meat slaughtering factory. Scratchy Lottos for Christmas is very much like, I got you some Scratchy Lottos and a big Sunny D.

Yeah. like i got you some scratchy lattos and a big sunny d yeah you got some scratchers and some homies figurines happy birthday you're a man now yeah empires empires have fallen based on gifted scratch tickets there's like bad blood and families for generations because of that shit you know what i want to see you hear that urban legend of like dude my uncle's uncle got one of those fake ones where like but i want to see that where you give someone one of those fake ones it wins like 80 g's or whatever and they just say they didn't win anything and walk out oh my god no that's terrible i'd go i'd go oh man i'd go apes it's even better if they like divorce their wife yeah 10 scratch offs i love it because i'll do it sometimes and uh they'll be like which ones you want i'm like oh man i don't have opinions i'm not this isn't a job you know dude that's because people i used to work at so many gas stations

on the cake you know people are mad particular about their scratch offs like a lot of times people want to know like what number it is like on the roll because they don't fuck with like certain yeah it's like people are like mad specific about it give me number 69 number 187 number 311 and 420 pick your number i can david no you ever bought a brick of what a scratchers This is also advice from the white ghetto. When someone says, if you ever bought a brick and you go, be more specific. If anybody uses the term, the unit brick in conjunction with scratchers, run away. Run away. That person means you harm. That guy's a shrimp farmer for sure.

Yeah, from way back. You ever bought a brick of scratch no i bought i think the most i bought is like 20 and i remember the dude being like i gotta scan everyone and i'm like we'll get to fucking scanning bro i don't what do you want me to do scan them here's 20 fingers you can sigh all 20 times i don't give a fuck go ahead and do it 20 clean ones across your dome you keep sighing like that i'll tell you what but yeah the sigh is my win yeah this is how i win this is how i win yeah man 10 10 brand new scratches great scratches perfect david your first pick uh my first pick is going to be matinee movie. Yeah.

Seven bucks. You still have three left over. Get you a tall can or whatever. Bring it in there. Because what are they going to do? They're teens who work there. Yeah. What are you going to say to me?

They're just going to be mad they don't have a tall can. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's in the. Yeah. Yeah. There's a tall can in the pocket of my basketball shorts.

It's noon. I'm going to watch Coco. Do you want to take this from me yeah are you are you going to be the person in between me and my ultimate goal for the day yeah what do you what's your fucking deal dude you just got to look that little boy in the eye and say pat me down i fucking dare you yeah is that a tall can what if it is find out yeah what are we gonna do you feeling froggy and then you just keep walking you're like i'm going but you're gonna have to jump on me i'll be in there watching coco it's But if it is, what are we going to do? You feeling froggy? And then you just keep walking. You're like, I'm going, but you're going to have to jump on me. I'll be in there watching Coco.

It's a fucking flashbang. You want me to prove it? I'll prove it right now. You ever tried to watch Tuesdays with stories or with Maury sober? Yeah. You know what? I ate too many shrimp. I got iodine poisoning.

I ate too many shrimp. got iodine i eat too many shrimp i got iodine poison i uh i remember when i moved to portland and i heard someone crack one of their own beers in a movie theater and i was like no way that was the first time i'd ever that was the first time that ever happened to you i think so we might have taken a flask or shooters in to movies back in the day but i i don't yeah i don't really think i was like a big drink and go to the movies person until way later in life i don't think i did it when i was a kid beer in a movie theater is like a grand portland tradition i think it is a lot of places but portland is the first place where i ever saw it sanctioned yeah like they had a movie theater where you could go at the baghdad theater and glorious bastards with big torque daddy and adam

that was where i was like oh you can just sit here and get plowed and watch everybody kill nazis this is dank that's what i think that i'm stoked on i'll tell you that when i lived in vegas i was befriended by a group of black teenagers and we would go see movies and they would just slight like blunts in there yeah and they thought it was hilarious and fun i'm like i'm 29 this isn't for me this life's over for me you saw logan it was smoking blunts in a movie theater yeah they didn't care damn yeah that's cool as hell and again i couldn't look like a wuss lest i'd be accused of being a mark or a buster so i just had to sit there and be like y'all are crazy like texting my wife like send help yeah you may need to come get me tonight

when you lived uh when you lived in uh highland park the matinee was a regular a regular uh day for you right david all the time yeah it would be like if i whenever i came home from the road it'd be like the next day i would go to the i would go to the thing god coming home from the road that's kind of a feeling i miss i forgot about so much but that first day back i've been home for four months it's horrible you know coming home from the road was always sad because immediately i'm like okay in three days i have to leave again yeah but you're like you stay on the road right i mean that's like yeah yeah like i could never just unpack or unwind because i'd be like oh fuck i have 72 hours with my beautiful wife i gotta get some nuts in you know yeah yeah absolutely you can't even really sleep because

you gotta get on that nut schedule yeah i got i got a number five my bad dude's gotta go number five it's been three weeks did the movie theater you went to have a normal size screen or was it like kind of dude it was so little yeah it was it was only three screens and they're all really small the wonderland like matinee movie place that i went to in Portland like had a tiny little screen I mean it was a big it was bigger than anything I've ever had in a house obviously but like Like a little ass movie screen I missed the dollar movies

Did you guys ever go to the dollar movies We didn't have those In Colorado off of Hampton Sammy Oh yeah Yeah man because it's like always old ass movies Like you go to the dollar movies To see Blades of Glory now Yeah like you go to the dollar movies to see blades of glory now yeah like you can see the little rascals film today yeah that shit's rad i love it when they

do that that's what laurel hurst in portland always does like they'll play like lost boys or major league or something i'm like fuck yeah dude that's yeah i love those movies where you want people to be talking the whole time they're like yeah let's let's go to major league i want everybody quoting it screaming at the screen the whole time. They're like, yeah, let's go to Major League. I want everybody quoting it, screaming at the screen the whole time. It's dang. So the matinee, that's my pick. Matinee movie, great. Time for my first

and second picks, as it is. With my first pick, I'm going to take Hitting Up an Arcade. Oh, fuck, that's a good idea. You can still have a good time with $10 on an arcade. do you ever go to the the cheap arcades like in colorado there was one called nickel a play oh man that place that place had sepsis you had to get a tetanus shot yo i fucking loved nickel play though

that's what wonderland is wonderland was a nickel arcade and they had there was a couple wonderlands including one by where my dad lived for a long time where you just paid an entrance fee and all the games were free yeah and they have those off-brand games like it's called double drago and you're like oh yeah they had the good shit too though they had the uh aerosmith one where you launch discs and enemies they had uh they have all the like you can win time avenue fighter you can get fun stuff with the tickets it's dank like attack from mars just like off-brand pinball you've never heard of like hey they got the oscar meyer pinball machine they've got elvira's pinball machine cool even at good places the pinball's always like kind of off-brand i'm like they made a pinball machine for this movie yeah it's always like kind of off brand i'm like they made a pinball machine for this movie yeah it's always like why does kawasaki ninja have a pinball machine first wives club there was at the tonic

lounge back in the day there was a pinball machine that would flash little messages in between it'd be like wear your seat belt and then one of the messages said aids is real that's heavy was that the last one was that like the final boss yeah it felt like i was sitting there screaming like hey aids is fake i better win this game no i'm not wearing a condom while i play pinball is it real yeah dude have you you ever been to the arcade to get your quarters for your laundry machine and how furious the door guy is? I get so mad. They hate it. I've also gone to a laundry place to get quarters for something else and they get

fucking furious. Oh, they freak out. Yeah. Yeah. What were you trying to buy? Tiny football helmets? Tiny football helmets. Yeah, absolutely. Tiny football. I got my money invested in a lot of places. I need a Bengals helmet or she'll leave me. The market's going to turn around on that and I have a Houston Oilers helmet.

And at any moment, that's going to put my kids through college. I like to take the jowls of my bad dude and put them in the little football helmet. What are you doing? Come on, man. The jowls. The jowls of my bad dude. That is a Michael Crichton novel. The jowls of my bad dude would be, I'd read it.

You wrote it. That would be like a magical book that you find when you're unpacking someplace. You gotta blow the dust off? What is this? The jowls of my bad day. And then somebody is like, you don't want no part of that. By BD Huggins.

It's like a bad translation of a Baudelaire poem. Oh man. Sean, you're killing me today man that's hilarious I'm having a good time today boys your boobs are so dank I long for them in the jowls of my bad dude I want to honk on your big fat butt. I've said that in the last week. I want to honk on your big fat butt? Guaranteed, I've said that in the last week. And that's why they let you onto the bus even though you don't know proper fare, right? Come on, bus driver, I'll woo you. I'll honk on your big fat butt.

Let me run. You're wearing your FBI t-shirt. Fat boob enthusiast spelled wrong enthusiast that was gonna fly right over my head by the way i'd be like yeah enthusiast that's how you spell it because you're into it enthusiast yeah man the. Yeah, man. The arcade. I fucking love that shit. The Simpsons game. I loved all of it. That Die Hard game. Remember that Die Hard game?

Was it two-play? Side-scroll? It was like 3D, man. It was a beat-em-up. It was like a punch-and-kick game. You could pick stuff up and wield a club. It was an excellent game. Was it like Double Dragon? But in 3D, it was like a top-down kind of thing. Oh, double dragon but in 3d it was like a top down

kind of yeah oh weird i know very innovative for its age it was it was like that early 3d but looked it like it looked bad but it looks cool like it was like it was polygon it looked like virtua fighter but it was an excellent game that's my all-time operation uh operation wolf with the uzi that would like vibrate that one was always dick. Yeah, yeah. Weren't you a Nazi in that game? Oh, God, were you? No. No way.

Think so. Sorry. It was an option. Sorry, I forgot we were kidding. Oh, God. If you knew the cheat code, you could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had to hit A 88 times and then it like uh yeah just telling

the guy the word yeah i set it on nazi watch these kids freak out uh with my second pick i'm gonna get a nice a really nice new pair of tube socks and just walk around like i'm on a cloud all day uh-huh sure yeah dude andy pitts back in the day he was sponsored uh sponsored skateboarder and he would say that his favorite thing to do is get a box of clothes. His sponsor would send him a box. He would just take out

all the socks. He just wanted to wear a new pair of socks every day. It's the best feeling. Just that cushion before they get washed. Yeah. Feeling all bougie

where you're just like, oof, goddamn. You feel padding, which is so nice. It's such a nice feeling. That's a good move. Yeah, call me white trash, but if I was rich enough,

I would never wear the same pair of socks twice. I didn't need that to call you white trash, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would peel them off my feet and throw them in the fire. And by fire, I'd be in the trash can out back that would burn the trash in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we understood where the rocks were going. I was going to call you white trash after you tried to wax intellectual by saying I lived in Vegas for a couple years.

Sure. That was your study abroad. I've been places. Your Honor, I'll have you know I lived in Vegas for two years. Do not come to this opinion casually. Yeah, there's not a lot to say about it, but just fucking new sock in it, dude. Just unroll them onto your feet. Maybe wear them with slides.

That's such a good fucking feeling. David, time for your second pick. My next pick is a liquor store picnic yeah so like you know it's like probably gonna be a tall can or a 40 of your choice i was thinking the 225s out the door do you guys remember that oh yeah no red dogs yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the 225s out the door so like one of those maybe a hot dog or a couple of slim jims orange hot dogs and liquor stores some reputable ones yeah yeah at the finer liquor store or maybe a couple of those beef sticks in that plastic container you know what i'm talking about you're lucky they got the

cheese stick with them yeah oh yeah oh man that's like that's a real meal that's not maybe a pickled egg no a pickled egg what the hell i hate those i hate those i've never had a pickled egg? No. A pickled egg? What the hell? I hate those. I hate those. I've never had a pickled egg and I shouldn't have had a pickled egg. Treat yourselves, guys. What's not to like? It's pickles and eggs together. I'm battling high blood pressure right now and I feel like that's just sending like a fucking car bomb. You're like drinking shit that comes out of

red water? I feel like I would make that face that Neo made when he was getting hooked up to the Matrix if I had a pickled egg. Can we see that face right now? Yeah, do it. There it is. We should screenshot that for when this episode comes out.

Is that Keanu? Hold on. Is that Keanu Reeves? Are you going number five? Where's your bad dude? Take your bad dude out of that pickled egg. I will not. I'm having a liquor store picnic sir and i'll hear nothing else on the matter sean if you have a son you will absolutely at some point say where's

your bad dude that's how you're gonna teach him to wash his body all right under your arms now do your booty now do your bad dude wash your bad dude jameson. Jameson, wash your bad dude. It's either Jameson or Old English. I don't know what I'm going to name him yet. Julio. Old English Jordan. Tony Hawk Jordan, dude. I could name him Belly. Or Menace to Society

Jordan. The motion picture straight out of Compton. Jordan. A Spike Lee joint Jordan. Davidid do you buy a black and mild for your picnic oh but like a fancy black and mild like one of the wine ones yeah god i remember i went through my phase i remember that when when i stopped smoking when i moved to portland and then i i was like i'll just smoke cigars then you start inhaling them and i was like these wine ones they're probably not as bad for you as a black

and mild because it says wine on it doctors say wine a glass of wine is good for your heart yeah so you should inhale it and smoke in tobacco form it only stands to reason and wake up with like it's wood tipped that means it's good for you yeah stomach cramps all natural yeah let me just call my friend who lived in Vegas for two years and verify this. I can't hear you. I'm in a cock fight. What are you doing? You're smoking wine? Cool, go for it.

No, I'm not going to leave. You're buying a weave? Finally! No, I'm not going to leave. You're buying a weave? Finally. My chicken died. I can talk now. That's funny. Man, I don't think I've ever had a liquor store picnic. That sounds wonderful.

Oh, man, it's great. It's always a good time. Yeah. Sean, time for your second pick. Second pick, just go big at Taco Bell. Ten bucks will get you a long ways at Taco Bell. I mean, it goes less far than it used to. I'll say that.

Walk us through what that order is. They just got rid of a bunch of shit, dude. It pisses me off. I don't think we've ever all been added in more twitter replies that brought me back to twitter yeah i'm not i'm not privy to what they just got rid of but like if i was spending 10 bucks if i was going to go that route it'd be like a giant baja blast it's about three bucks and then probably three uh frito burritos which is another three bucks that's what they're getting rid of bro i know yeah can i not can i not do stuff they're getting rid of right and the quesarito no but i don't i don't get a quesarito because

it costs like five bucks so i get a quesarito i know you do i know what you get you get like a quesarito and then you get like uh one of the giant crunch wraps and then you get like normally a steak situation like a like a steak griller or something that's about 10 bucks to the doctor and like neither one of us could get to the bottom of this blood pressure thing the doctor's like well i don't know i guess what what's the rest of your day look like because he's like i'm i'm fucking i'm i'm without straws here i don't have any straws man i'm like actually it's not how it's but anyway. Oh, God, that's awesome. Yeah. Giant Baja Blast, about three Frito Burritos, and then either one double-decker, because those run like $2.50,

and like a loaded griller. That's what I'd say. Oh, there's no tax in Oregon. This is an Oregon Taco Bell. That's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Going to the Glendale Taco Bell, I'll tell you that. No, sir. Charging me tax. I know from experience you can and did many times. Many times you've been to the Glendale taco bell i'll tell you that no sir charging me tax i don't like you know from experience you can and did many times many times you've been to the glendale one you always go to the glendale most visited most visited taco bell yeah when i first found out that it was there because i you know when i first am learning the ways of glendale and like mapping it out then i think ian took me there one day and i was like, oh man, that's unfortunate that it's so close to the house because I'll be going there. And then, yeah, like anytime, especially in LA is every fast food place, except for some

reason, Wendy's and Dairy Queen is very close by at all times. Yeah, that's totally reasonable. Sam, time for your second and third picks. Okay. Well, I did have the liquor store picnic. Only might involve the condom as well. But I'm going to go with... There you go being a mark again, dude. He puts it on the tall can so he doesn't smell.

Yeah. Saves it for later. Out here strapping up like a mark. Yeah, making a water snake. Okay, so I'm going to go with buy two subway footlongs one to stock one to rock right you got one for now you got one for later or if you make a friend for the bus one for the backpack dude yeah two subway footlongs that company's never done anything wrong and i uh no they're upstanding yeah i want to support them yeah man i used to eat a lot of

subway footlongs the sweet onion chicken teriyaki is a beautiful sandwich yeah and also you get all your vegetables on there too it's all in there yeah if you if you feel like it i hate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki but that's because i worked at subway dude if i could have just that sauce everything would be i wouldn't need hot sauce anymore sweet onion sauce is the dank dude that stuff goes hard i love it yeah having worked at a subway what do you still like i only fuck with the spicy italian i love the spicy ital yeah that's the only one i find everything i live with a spicy italian for another couple weeks count zacula himself i lived with a sweet onion chicken teriyaki so i guess for another couple weeks. Counts Acula himself.

I live with a sweet onion chicken teriyaki, so I guess... Yeah, the spicy Italian you can't go wrong with. The turkey is also okay. You can also wheel them like nunchucks. Tie them together. You're not going to believe this.

I literally had on my list Subway nunchucks. Are you serious? Yeah, I swear to God. I believe it. I don't know why you said that. I wouldn't believe it. You could do it.

Okay, yeah. I guess it isn't very easy to believe. It wasn't an epiphany. Two $5 footlongs, you tie them together. Absolutely. Yeah, and then the sandwich squeezes down, and you've got like a brick. You've got to break a sandwich. There we go with the brick. Did you ever bought a brick got like a brick. You got a brick of sandwich. There we go with the brick.

Do you ever bought a brick at Subway? It's his favorite unit of measurement. I bought a brick at Subway. Now I've done it. I've taken a brick from Subway. I love Subways. Ask him how tall he is. He's 15 bricks high.

And I also weigh 130 bricks. Yeah. The seafood and crab at Sub subway was for a while early days early days because i never fucked with it but i'm not with it didn't know it existed it ended up being a lot of mayonnaise and seafood that's you know you're getting into but was it seafood or was it like it was called the seafood and crab with a k so it was imitation crab and then i don't know what the other seafood was i never asked they didn't tell me probably some kind of like a cod or something it was probably a cod maybe a scrod like a white fish sure probably a white fish in cod we trust kind of thing in cod we trusted it was good as fuck

though only cod can judge me nick manpay not not on the podcast not in the house up in portland right now uh also was a big fan of as a youth and when we got to southern oregon university the subway on campus and like subway phased it out pretty quick but that location for some reason still had it and it was a revelation the subway in elizabeth was like the salon. You know what I mean? That was the hub of culture. Yeah, it was cool to hang out there. Yep. That's where you went to learn new things. There was like a big handrail out front, though, too,

so there were people skating sometimes. Yep, they were ripping it. They were scrappling it or whatever you said, Sean. Scrappling. They were eating scrapple up there. Scrappling it. Scrappling it. Shrouping.

Shrouping it, yeah. Also behind that big O. Yeah, dude, that big O. That's where you went to smoke cigarettes. Yeah. A lot of bad, a lot of first-time fingerings happening. Go back there and watch Jared Collins hit somebody with a pipe. Shout out to Jared Collins, man.

No one's ever looked better in a tucked-in, button-up shirt. No, no, yeah. That guy was great, man. Great bod. He was my lifting partner in ninth grade. That must have been a nightmare. Because he was one of those kids. He hit puberty when he was 11.

He was like covered in hair when he was in sixth grade. Yeah, he was an animal. One of those kids like had a lot to prove to the other sixth graders. Yeah, he had a man's body. Yeah, he didn't have shit to prove. No. He paid taxes. graders yeah he had a man's body yeah he didn't have any he didn't have shit to prove no he paid he was sending checks home in 13 years old that's what he was telling the teachers i paid for your salary yeah goddamn right i'm gonna take three p's let's see what the boss thinks nah i'm not taking that test oh man tight all right two five dollar foot longs and uh your third pick sam

okay well as we all know uh we're all about investments you know and i'm always looking here at buck buck buck and bucker yeah i'm always looking for a good roi so i would buy a nine dollars and 99 cent morgan head memorial half dollar okay all right those walking half dollars you know what i'm talking about well they're a 50 value but you can get them for 10 is this the tv tell you this at night yeah they did that's exactly where i saw it you just call in yeah you call it shipping and handling though well it's it's uh there's no cod which is very upsetting much like ian's cod I saw it. You just call in. Yeah, you call in. How much is shipping and handling, though? Well, there's no COD, which is very upsetting.

Much like Ian's cod sandwich. You're going to COD a half dollar? I love it. Just bring it here. I'll give you the money when you get here. Just bring it to me first. You can pay it off in installments if you want to. But yeah, there is a limit five per customer.

Five per customer? You can only buy five at once. Yeah, you can only buy five at once because it's such a solid investment. They don't want to run on the banks. I wonder if they'd make an exception. If we all get, and then we get Mars in, we can all buy five. Or we can all buy one each, right?

And then go five ways? Okay. Well, Mars, if you're in, I'm in. But I do want to, I want to hold on to them. I'll keep them in my safe. Okay, well, I'll give you the money when you give me mine. Just know that I have the $9.99 waiting. You need to trust your banker. Wow, I'm banker why well you're the banker in this situation i've got the coins don't i that's always a good answer for a lot of things i've got the coins don't i

yeah i'd buy one of those half dollars i'd you know, hopefully give it to my kids when they come of age, when they can be trusted with gold. What is the age when a kid can be trusted with gold? 24. Well, there's an up to age, like until they're five, and then not until they're 50 again. I think it's right after when they won't eat it, when they won't mistake it for candy.

For me, that was like 19, 20 like 1920 yeah i lost a lot of teeth yeah trying to unwrap these young jews though because we have gelt you know which is like candy covered in gold foil so isn't that like starter gold that's like training gold that's right yeah yeah you guys have a beautiful culture i've got the coins training gold oh man You guys have a beautiful culture. I've got the coins. Training goals. I've got the coins. Oh, man. Yeah, so a half dollar. I get it.

Half dollar. Sean, time for your third pick. I would take the $10 to casually purchase my friend's goods or whatever at like a coffee shop and act like it's not a big deal. Like one of those where they get like $10 for the stuff me when we were getting coffee the other day you got it you have to go into the situation being like there's no way this is going to be more than 10 bucks they're spending and then when they get it you're like i got it i got it i got it yeah you do that weird yeah you do that weird way you don't say words you're just like make the hand motion till like you know it's on me it's on me we've been

friends for a long time i gotta put that away what are we doing what are we doing yeah you just sound like a like a newborn baby raptor or something I had to step away for a second. Apparently I missed out on some real big meat. You guys really cracked the code on humor while I was gone for 10 seconds. My third pick was to casually purchase your friend's order at like a coffee shop or something and just be like one of

those yeah yeah the a follows b good and then uh ipso facto where you where you do the i got it you do the i got it but it's not real words where you're like and then you like motion to them to put their debit card away like it's not a big deal Like you don't give a fuck about the 10 bucks, you know? Maybe sound like a porcupine eating a pumpkin. That is a specific. It's gonna be funny the next time one of us does that at a coffee shop, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And the other person knows like, oh, thank you. Let me get it.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Or I'll just look at you and I'll be like, Laker girl. Wait, wait, wait, wait. One second. Do you take Dabbit? Yeah.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Yeah. Yeah, I just like that move that move didn't come into play until i shit five years ago where it was even a possibility kid into play uh yeah you're always getting terms wrong dude i love it i love sorry i went number five all over that one oh man it is fun to do treating your friends it's fun picking up the coffee yeah great pick david time for your third pick my third pick and this is kind of depending on what your connect is like but i'm saying get a hit of acid. Oh! What?

Is that how much? I've never bought acid. You can get two hits for $10. Yeah, man. Well, then the Mouth House days, you guys were giving it, or people who lived there were giving it away. We would pay you to take it. Yeah, yeah.

It was like, take this off my hands. Yeah, but, like, get one hit of acid and then have yourself go for a long long walk just uh you know go through it having never done it uh is like if you do if you were to do acid and go on a walk you'd be all right you're not gonna like freak out most of the time you're not at reed college yeah there will be people who know how to deal with you if you do freak out sure will be yeah major that is you'll say the word pontificate quite a bit while they're doing it too like a poor scene sean yeah eat it and just go on like a trusted river trail and just really communicate with the universe and god just get back to a six level being yeah man i love is it when you do acid are you like um because getting drunk is

where you forget where you are and you forget your address and stuff no not at all if you do acid you still know all that stuff right like you don't get lost or whatever yeah you'll be fine all right well i mean it depends on how much acid you eat let's be honest i'm not planning on it i'm only do i'm saying you i'm saying for the ten dollar thing you get one hit yeah also i think if you get that one hit you call a trusted friend you split it and you have one hit. Yeah. And also, I think if you get that one hit, you call a trusted friend and you split it and you have a very pleasant, mild giggle type situation instead of just tripping alone. There it is. No, I want to trip.

I want to trip alone. And then you guys can have that whole conversation and it'll make total sense. No, it makes sense. We're going to eat it and then I'm going to miss out on something and then you're going to be yelling about giving a little girl a penny

and it's just like all... i want to do it by myself that girl needed to know that it's all fiat currency there's no value to it that penny thing is you just say fiat currency yeah nice he was he was saying a lot of stuff but yeah that's a real thing that's a real thing that happened yeah oh yeah and in the park in san francisco yeah this little girl we were all tripping real hard and her parents were like oh they're having fun and this little girl like came up to the four of us and she gave each one of us a coin you know something that she knows has value and that people value and it's an important thing in the world and like we all three took it and then the fourth one i was like this has no worth man you know and i like gave her

a whole talk about the banking system and the federal reserve and her parents were like okay honey let's get out of this pagoda that guy they just they're taking her back to the car honey that man lived in las vegas for a couple. Honey, that man's a shrimp farmer. You need to stay close. Yeah, yell to the child. Acid's good for when you want to yell at a child. Yeah. I often want to yell at children.

Number one go-to for that. I like it. Excellent pick. Time for my third and fourth. Fourth picks. I don't know why I had to check that i know three comes after four with my third pick i'm going to take 20 tacos jack-in-the-box yeah that was that was 100 that was 100 on my list he did it he did it you He did it. You cracked the code. Smartest man alive. You feel like royalty.

Spread your money around. I'm not eating all those tacos, but I got all those tacos. Hell no. I'm throwing them out to my folks at the bus stop. Exactly. You know what's funny is those just became a main staple on their menu. I guess they left for a while, and I just heard a radio ad where they're like, you wanted it. You got it.

Two tacos for a buck is fully on the menu. It was was always there they just didn't want to lean on it because yeah they wanted to seem like they had other shit going on they're like we've received your mail bombs we got your poorly spelled letters those tacos are great dude nathan lunn survived on those tacos they're so good they're they're so not real that they're great they're like there's a piece of like craft singles on there there's whatever it's like liquefied because they fry the whole taco they for real put them in a deep fryer and they're so good so good yeah it's not a taco it's a different kind of thing yeah different food but taco is the easiest way to make us understand and it's it's not a taco it's a different kind of thing yeah different food but taco is the easiest

way to make us understand and it's it's right around the center of it's the center of the argument where people like no those are shitty no they're bad for you they're bad they're amazing but they're bad for you and that's where people always mix things up and saying that they're not good they're good they're just not good for you it's i used to take them you would dip them in the in the that is the term too it's not eat you do take them you take them like yes here's money but i'll be taking these i take a couple tacos you dip them in that buttermilk house sauce you know that they didn't call ranch because they were putting on air it's a tough fucking jack-in-the-box for some reason well legally they couldn't call it ranch that was that was that was a case they lost the people versus taco bell my bad dude's had attention listen to this

jack-in-the-box has all my fucking favorite like i love their egg rolls i love their jalapeno poppers all their accoutrements are just everything but burgers everything they're not supposed to have. You're like, well, that's the dank. All that other shit. I spent the prime of my life somehow mining nutrients out of Jack in the Box food. That's what I used my body at its peak level. Was eating two big cheeseburgers from Jack in the Box in between school and football practice.

Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, man. You got me fired up, up brother you're speaking my language just get out there like why am i cramping i knew i was cramping i used to get the big slice pizza between school and football practice no it's safeway they had the big slices of pizza and a drink for like $2.50. But the way our Safeway was set up, you could just walk in, get it, and then walk out. Yeah.

You'd be like, oh, I got to buy some other shit I'm paying up front. You could also send Kara Noakes in and she would fill up a shopping cart with beer and then just walk out. We did that. Oh, man. We hit that. We hit that thing so many times. You remember Quinn stole all those Duraflame logs? Yeah, I remember when Andy Quinn got a DUI on his 16th birthday.

Yeah. I love it. Dirty laundry. At least he had something to do at home with all those logs he was making an effigy yeah he whittled him down yeah he was probably making an effigy of George Soros because he was anti-Semitic at 14 that's impressive

I had an anti-Semitic at 14 friend and like I was the one of the only Jews he knew and I was I was like ooh what'd I do we always got we always got along great he like but he carved a swastika he like started what i do we always got we always got along great he like but he carved a swat he like started getting into that shit and carved a swastika into his forearm when we were in high school and i was just like into his forearm into his forearm what i was like

what i what what the fuck happened man like i'm jewish you know me what do you think is going on he's also an idiot he's super big idiot i think that's more what it was you fucking moron drew i'm not gonna say your last name because hopefully you've turned the corner i will pass nick it's not mad far off really yeah i think think Ian's was Drew Patriot. It was Drew Patriot, and he was a bald eagle wearing Oakley sunglasses. Yeah, man, the fucking 20 tacos. And my fourth pick is going to be, now that marijuana is legal, getting two of those $5 pre-roll joints.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's good. Oh, yeah. They're only five bucks for a pre-roll joints yeah oh okay yeah that's that's yeah oh yeah they're only five bucks for a pre-roll joint huh yeah god that's are you are you happy or angry with that happy okay it's so dope that that is how it that that's where it's come to it's tough finding things that are dope right now that is dope that you can get a pre-rolled joint for five bones it's just sick man like and i don't even smoke weed uh but if i it just oh it's perfect for the for how hard we used to have to try to get it like oh my god parking lots a couple strangers involved definitely a shady older person gotta talk to some boy named Memphis. Yeah, dude.

Small talk with people who have no idea why they shouldn't have gone to their car. I used to buy weed from a dude named Wedge who always tried to sell me blue dolphins also. There was this dude who was like 40-something that used to hang

out with kids, 18-year you know, 18 year olds. Yeah. And he would sell these girls we knew weed. I forget his name, but yeah, you get older and you're like, God, that sucks. And now it's five bucks for a pre-rolled joint delivered to your door. That's dope. Well, there was always like a lizard or a ferret in the guy's apartment. Yeah.

It was always a weird pet. Yeah. Yeah. Weird pet whose pee smelled. With like a very pretentious name. ferret in the guy's apartment yeah it was always a weird pet yeah yeah weird pet who's pea smelled with like a very pretentious name like oh that's charlemagne my komodo dragon oh yes oh you mean constable yeah the fucking betta fish yeah that That's my poisonous tree frog constable. Also, it would just be weed.

You would just buy weed. Yeah. Yeah. W weed. Yeah. Now it's. Middies, baby. Are they beasters?

They kind buds? What are we doing? We got some seeds. I don't know. It's weed. You're going to buy the weed I got. Are you going to buy some weed off me? David, time for your fourth pick my fourth

pick is going to be oh go to the botanical gardens yes that was on my list yeah i figured no one else was gonna take it i didn't think that was up up for grabs the only other person i've been to the botanical gardens with you. Yeah, I have a membership. I have a membership for two gardens now. I have a membership for the Huntington Library and Gardens. That's why I wouldn't use the $10. You just get in. Oh yeah, that's fair. I do it.

I like to stay off the grid, you know what I mean? I don't have a library card myself. I don't have the membership in my name. The name is under a... Constable Hamster. It's Humphrey Vaughn Birthday Cake. I ran into your parents at Botanical Gardens one time, Sam. I know you were on a date and they told me.

They were like, he was with such a cute girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, Botanical Gardens, man. It's just always a good time. I love it. I think it's important. It's good for your soul. That would pair nicely with your acid pick, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah, botanical gardens, man. It's just always a good time. I love it. I think it's important. It's good for your soul. That would pair nicely with your acid pick, by the way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. My version of the botanical gardens would be the rhododendron gardens next to the crib by Reed College. Oh, in Portland. Yeah, that's right. I've been going there quite a bit. Do you mean those rhododendrons behind the Safeway?

Sniff them through the chain link. The rhododendrons fought the crypts one them through the chain link the rhododendrons fought the crypts one time right yeah you're thinking of the rosicrucians yeah man have a nice tranquil afternoon go to the botanical gardens just get tuned up with nature and just the beauty of the surroundings awesome place to be does the one you were thinking of have water features as well of course there's a whole uh japanese zen garden yeah i'm talking about the one in golden gate park i don't know that one but i don't know the one in denver oh yeah i mean they're both great the columbus ohio botanical gardens oh my god they brought me to tears i just really thing once oh it's so it was transcendent man oh we should

have gone when we were in columbus there will be a next time i swear to god we are going to go on tour again and when we do i push for two days in every city where we have a day where we can do shit. That would be nice. That would be really nice. And that way I'm doing warm up. It'll be fun. Perfect. I'm talking in.

We can go to the Botanical Gardens. We can stay in a hotel that's not right across the street from an abortion billboard. It'll be fantastic. Oh, that was Columbus, wasn't it? Yeah. Also, wasn't there like a bunch of athletes there? Yeah, there was like, yeah. Something was going on.

Yeah. And then the power went out. And then later on that night, we laid in the freezer. That's right. Oh, I forgot about being in that freezer. Yeah, the power went out because it was too hot. Yeah. Fuck, that was a tough.

Great spread also. Great sandwich spread in the green room. Great fucking spread if that guy's listening yeah they were the best he he does listen uh we were gonna go i was gonna go do a show anyway uh yeah that except for the power going out which you had no control over that was the best and then they facilitated the parking lot show took us somewhere afterwards they killed it dude couldn't they were so understanding about like how we still wanted to do the show but trying to figure out how to make it happen and then we did and it was

like one of the most memorable experiences of my whole life nobody batted an eye when i started drinking rumplements later that night it was that kind of night no that kind of night somebody maybe should have but like you know what i mean you gotta let the fuck up you know when you're flowing and nobody says anything and they should have but but they didn't. Sometimes the big dog runs off the leash and you got to let that happen. No. Sean, time for your fourth pick. Uh,

friendly wager with a friend. Oh, you want to gamble? Yeah. So like put some action on it. You know, blazers are playing. I'm like,

I bet you, I got 10 on, I got 10 on Portland. One of those, or, uh, you know, like I,

I bet you I can do a backside nose grind 180 before you do. I'll bet you 10 bucks, something like that. Just a friendly little bet for you low stakes yeah i would win that second one unless i broke your fucking legs and then neither one of us wins then we know then we all lose man then we lose i don't want to lose we want to win i come in yeah just a a nice little 10 bucks is right around the amount of money where it makes it fun and you're you're you have some stakes in it but you're not gonna be pissed if you lose it's fun like all right here's your 10 bucks dickweed and then you know no yeah i love gambling for 10 bucks i'll make a 10 wager with you right now what is it uh 10 dollars 10 does marissa's middle name start with

a vowel or a consonant oh okay so you want to actually go with odds for that because there's less vowels there's less vowels than consonants for sure you should go three one so do i get to pick it's not it's not really a fair bet then now that i think about it but yeah you get to pick let's do if her name or middle name starts okay wait let's 13 the first 13 or second 13 letters of the alphabet? Yeah, that's the alphabet. I will take the first 13 letters of the alphabet. All right.

And I'll take the back half. We have 10 on it. Mars? All right, guys. Venmo me the money, and I'm the banker. He's got the coins. The first 13 is the smart bet, by the way. That's where all the fucking letters are.

That's where all the vowels are. I have X. I have Z. I know you do. I have Y. You got you got what the fuck happened how the fuck did you just fucking we should have drafted letters is what we should have done luckily her middle name is xavier your middle name is not yak is it no it's s so stephanie is my middle name fuck you dude fuck you all! I'm going to send Sam the money.

He'll get it to you. Marissa, I'll send you two bucks. Thanks, Sam. And I'm going to pay Ian and Morgan head dollars. See how much fun that was for everybody? Ten bucks on a bet. There it is. Marissa Stephanie Melnick, man.

Hell yeah. Nice. She's Doxter. Good work. Oh, damn it. Oh, shit. Okay. I bet you can't guess her address no no no no no no amazing that is fun that was a good time thank you thanks buds like if you have 10 ones you can play dice with your friends for like four hours that dude we

used to do that for shit yeah that would have been a good pick yeah that's we used to do that all the time we'd even play on road trips we would play flip the id where we just get our driver's license out and flip it if it landed face up you won and if it didn't you lost yeah don't take much sometimes it's beautiful couple of south dakota boys on a skate trip in k Kentucky. Let's play Flip the ID and drink a 40. While the Kudlow report is on in the background on the hotel TV. Sam, time for your fourth and final picks. Okay, guys. I'm buying a clown wig.

Yes. You sure are. You sure are. I'm going to Party City. I'm picking out the cheapest wig. I'm wearing it out the store. Tags on. Do you need a bag?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. That won't be necessary. I'll be wearing this. I'm wearing this out. Yeah, man. Nice clown wig. That's fun. Wherever you go the rest of the day, everyone wants to talk to you.

Yeah, that's true. You're making friends with kids and adults. It's great. I know you would love that is so that's a good pick for you yeah imagine if we were having a wild day where you're mooning people only way it gets more fun if i'm wearing a clown wig then we're getting arrested for sure what happened that fat clown and that black guy came up you'd have to describe because they have to describe it.

Honestly, I don't know what the fuck was happening. Well, Your Honor, it was about that time I saw the fat clown and the black guy drive by with his ass fully out. Can you identify the ass? Do you have to do a lineup? But not the clown because our justice system's rigged. Oh, that's awesome.

The clown walks in funny shoes. It's a good call. Clown wig, man. Easy move. If you had a preferred color hair for the clown wig, what would it be? Rainbow, dummy. Yeah, man. Come on.

Come on, man. Yeah, you're right. It must be my first day over here. I apologize. It's your first day at the wig store. Rainbow, you might have a couple bucks left over to buy some face paint. Whatever.

Then you can go to the Insane Clown Posse show, which I'd highly recommend because they're dope. Yeah, I had nothing bad to say about Juggalos. Dude, they're killing it right now. They got that shirt that says, Fuck Your Flag. It's just like a Juggalo burning a Confederate flag. It's awesome. They're killing it right now they got that shirt that says fuck your flag and it's uh it's just like and i see like a juggalo burning a confederate flag it's awesome they're doing it they didn't cancel sturgis this year but they canceled the gathering because they know what's

up that's what's up sturgis is safer right sturgis is so buck dude i don't of course they're still gonna do it are there laws there not there? Not a ton. I mean, you can't kill people, but it's... So Sturgis is a town like basically... You can't kill white landowning males? They don't own any land. Not in Sturgis, my friend. It's raised by Deadwood. I've been up there a bunch.

It's a lot of fun. But it's like a ghost town unless during the rally. So they have all these bars and things that have like huge, huge decks and parking lots, but they're closed all year because nobody goes to sturgis until the rallies and then they make millions of dollars and that's how it's crazy it's gonna why is it why is it in sturgis i i don't know i really never there's i'm sure there's something a couple hell's angels went to stir just once or something but yeah it just ended up being like that's where they go and i've been a couple times and they you know real bikers go there's a lot of punks that go to now but like real ass

bikers still go and it's buck i think they have it there because it was the way to be most disrespectful to the lakota sioux tribe oh yeah yeah like let's go up there and litter and burn rubber for two weeks once a year let Let's bring our decibel machines up there to their placid lands. Go up there and litter and burn rubber for two weeks. Sam, do you have your final pick? Okay, this one I'm not

sure. Also, my wife just woke up and told me our dog shat in the house. So that's pretty funny. No. Gordy! That was me. I shat in the house and sat next pretty funny gordon that was me i shit in the house and set it next to a sleeping dog sorry about that i would i would buy ten dollars worth of hot dogs and see how many i could eat in 10 minutes yeah 10 is what is the answer 10 is what you could do you're a broad champ i'm aurst champion. I ate, I think it was 22 knockwurst in five minutes, including buns.

Are you serious? Yeah, I'm the Denver County knockwurst eating champion 2016. Dog. I can't believe I didn't see that in the newsletter. That's fucking, are those the white ones? Yeah, they were veal and pork. How many, 22 of them? In five minutes, including buns.

Oh, my God. That is wild, man. Hey, man. I know. It's tough to hang out with a celebrity. It is. Yeah, it's very intimidating. Thank you for not telling us until the end of the podcast.

You're welcome. Yeah, I went outside, and I was about to throw up or whatever because I just was a glutton in front of strangers for their entertainment. Yeah. And this guy named Biker Jim, who owns a hot dog place in Denver, came up to me and he gave me his business card. And he was like, you got some real skills, kid. What?

It rolled. Man, tell me you still got that business card. I don't. I have the blue ribbon somewhere, though. Tell me you still got that knock worst. I do. It's in one of my valves in my heart. It's lush. It's actually plugging up an extra hole i had there for some reason i love knock work shaped hole

yeah i think it'd be fun you could probably take some bets and make some money off that ten dollars and you're eating hot dogs you might even have a good time eating 10 hot dogs in 10 minutes you're not gonna have a bad time no no no all your friends the neighbor kids could come over and cheer you on right you build a bond with the community that'll take you they could not be broken i love it your hot dog guy nobody's robbing hot dog guy's house no yeah if they do i got a whole closet full of guns so bring the fight to me yeah that's where Plus those fucking subway nunchucks. Sean, time for your final pick. I'm going to go buy a ridiculous domain name for a year and just have it. Oh, is that how much that costs?

Yeah, right around there. Like subway nunchucks or something would be a dank one. What are some other ones you might buy? Black ass clown wig. Black ass clown wig. The boob site's already taken because I went there for my first time to see boobs on the internet. So I can't buy that.

I just bought Big Juggs Rules, so you can't do that. You know what's dank that I'm stoked on? That'd be a dank one to buy. Oh, yeah. I should just go buy it right now. Yeah, it's like roughly 10 bucks. Some might be 12. Some might be eight.

But you get it for a year for $10, somewhere in there. And yeah, it's just fun to have. Stankerdank.com is one that we did back in the day. Stankerdank? Do you remember Hot or Not? This was the South Dakota version. Yeah, I forget what it was. If we just put pictures of nugs up there

and ask if they look stank or dank, or if it was poop and weed, if we just like, they look stank or dank or if it was like poop and weed. If we just like, is it stank or is it dank? It was something funny. You were going to have a website where people looked at pictures of poop and weed? Mark Zuckerberg over here. What a sliding doors moment for you. Somebody call the Winklevoss twins.

Mark Zuckerberg, dude. Nobody ever said it like that. Not a Mark Zuckerberg. twins mark mark buckerberg dude nobody ever said it like that not a mark buckerberg oh my god adam's getting so pissed at these stories i keep fucking up but i'm like well if they're funny who cares if i fucked them up there's some truth in there somewhere i don't know i can't remember exactly you also forget man how many think about so many crazy stories like it's yeah that's the thing with like when they they all end up meshing and you're like i guess i don't know all of that's true somewhere all all the details are true in some things poop or weed.com

yeah instead of hot dogs and legs it's fine it says poop or weed what do you think this is poop or weed pretty clearly weed you can get me trapped on that website for hours in it so i guess i gotta go poop i'd be sending the bruvs thread photos like this is poop right guys i don't want i don't want my score to drop on poop or weed.gov but i think this is poop. I've got a 78% right now, and I like it there. Oh, my God. Yeah, there it is. Pooperweed.gov. David, time for your final pick.

Oh, man. This is just because we've been in the house so much. I would buy a pint and go to a comedy show. Ooh. Man. You're so desperate you would go to a comedy show. Oh, man. You're so desperate you would go to a comedy show? Well, I'd go to get drunk, but then my friends would be there. I just started missing it.

I wouldn't watch the stand-up probably. That's what I was thinking. I don't watch stand-up. Yeah, you hang in the back. Yeah. But for people who don't do stand-up, that's a fun thing to do. I've always wondered, do you think that, and everybody, do you think that you would enjoy going to stand-up shows if you never started doing stand-up that's like a fun thing to do i've always wanted do you think that and then everybody do you think that you would enjoy going to stand-up shows if you never started doing stand-up you think you would just like it like you like a movie yeah i went before i did i went

to a couple of sam's before i did i like sam you said you were inspired and your life was changed no that's not yeah you did no i saw that was I saw you at the 4-4 with my dad, remember? We had to watch Jordan Zuckerberg for 30 minutes. I have the letter you sent me. You can front on the pod. No, I sent you a letter after the first time I did a comedy club at the San Jose Improv. Dear Sam Talent, no wonder talent is part of your name. You changed my life last night at the

stand-up comedy show. I'm different now. I'm going to put the pint down and pick the mic up. You can't spell same without Sam, and I feel like we are the same. Brothers, if you will. Yours in Christ, David Borey. My dad said, you're the funniest boy he's

ever seen, and that's my dad. So I think I'm'm gonna be a comedian yeah i don't think i'd want to watch the show i think i'd be jealous of the comedians having fun that's what happened to me that's why i started i was jealous of the host and that's the host that's the worst job of all the comics that was the host who you were like it was the only reasonable part i was like i could do what that fucking coward's doing, and then I did it. That's what David said in the letter he sent me. Hey, what's up, you mark?

I can do what you do. Oh, man. Time for my final pick, and I'm going to take buy an off-brand Nerf football, get it all soaked with pool water, and then a huck Shane in the side of the head with it. That's a great way to close this out. I'd be like, hey, Shane, so he looks over water and then a huck shane on the side of the head with it that's a great way to close this out and i would i'd be like hey shane so he looks over and then you just throw

it accidentally rupture his eardrum but we all laugh way too hard anyways i think my eardrums ruptured shut up coward get in the pool this is tight god those things those that you know what those are kind of reminiscent of a brick when they're all wet like that. It's a bit like a brick, yeah. To put it in context for you, Sammy. Thank you. I had no idea what you were talking about. A brick of Nerf soaked in pool water.

Just getting it all sloshy. Shane would lean around, you've got some Nerf, pal, and we'd be like, that was funny, but not as funny as you getting smoked. So go to the hospital or whatever you gotta do. Tweet it at the president shane is he doing that oh dude shane's taking him down one piece of one one piece at a time shane is dismantling yeah dude taking the white house down you'll notice the approval numbers have been on a fucking escalator down to the basement lately too that's all shame so that's the final pick to recap sam you went first you put

uh you picked putting it all on black two subway footlongs a nine dollar and 99 cent morgan head half dollar a clown wig and ten dollars worth of hot dogs and eating them in 10 minutes sean you went second you took scratchyatchy Lotto tickets. Whatever you could get at Taco Bell. Casually picking up the check at a coffee place. A friendly wager with a friend. You owe me $10 by the way. And then getting a domain name like WeederPoop.com for example.

David, you went third. You went to see a matinee movie. A liquor store picnic. A hit of acid. Going to a botanical garden and then grabbing a pint and going to a comedy show. It's a nice day. I went last, and I took going to an arcade, getting some new socks, $20 or 20 tacos at Jack in the Box,

a couple of $5 pre-rolled joints, and then buying an off-brand Nerf football, getting all soaked with pool water, and then pelting Shane Torres in the side of the head with it. We left some good stuff on the board. I feel like we just picked up Nerf as a sponsor right now. I hope we did. It's Nerf or nothing for me.

I've been saying that. Oh, that's awesome. Turn it all into pennies and then buy something from somebody I hate. Team up with a homie and buy Sam's book because it's dope. Oh, hell yeah. There you go

a jar of pickles some peanut butter and a loaf of bread and convert everyone I know into peanut butter and pickle sandwich fans I had two 40s and Taco Bell which is kind of like the liquor store picnic and I already picked Taco Bell but we used to do that quite a bit just like get a couple 40s and whatever was left with the 10 we'd get Taco Bell and just hang out at

Frat's Crib or something and be like yeah this is a dope day. Yeah, I had 240s and a pack of the cheapest cigarettes. God, did we all have a version of 240s? A cameo from goth comedian Oliver Graves? I don't know who that is. Oh, shit. I don't know who that is, but they're on came cameo i went to try to find a $10 one is

dope dude good good call oh man a box of microwave popcorn and then renting a movie like on amazon or whatever yeah oh that's a good call yeah that's real dank god i don't yeah nice toilet paper like a shitload of nice toilet paper was one yeah i, yeah. I had two bouquets of fresh-cut flowers. Oh, lovely. Yeah, yeah. Lovely, lovely. Yeah, I got... Except for kind of the liquor store picnic and go to a matinee,

I got what I wanted, so I'm happy. I got my pick. Yeah, I got all my shit. Other than the nunchuck, the subway nunchucks. Me too. Well, we want to hear your picks. All family everywhere. all fantasy everybody uh hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com shout out to everyone

on the afe patreon thank you for holding us down for real shout out to everyone on the afe subreddit we love you uh shout out to fucking super duper producer Marissa Melnick. Yo, yo, yo. Sean, you look like you have something to say. I just found out that Haji Beats and Nelly Furtado are together. Nice. Wow. Good for him.

Did you know that? No, I did not know that. I didn't know Haji Beats was a gentleman. I had no idea who Haji Beats was this whole time. I've never known. Never known. How did you just find out? Did you get a Google alert?

Someone sent a screenshot on the gram. I mean, I knew Haji Beats was something. I just didn't know it was a person, and that person was a man, and that man was with Nelly Furtado. Shout out to Haji Beats. Good for him. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude.

Shout out to, I don't know, Loungewear. Shout out to Tracksuits. Shout out to, I don't know, Loungewear. Shout out to Tracksuits. Shout out to Slides. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to the Brachiosaurus. Yeah, shout out to... Fuck, man. Everyone.

Everyone being dope, putting good energy into the world. Shout out to you if you're doing that. Absolutely. And fucking shout out to Pelton Shane Torres on the side of the face with a wetner football shout out to sammy's book yeah yeah yeah buy that book at samtalent.com it's very good two l's two l's yeah hopefully hopefully sean doesn't buy the domain name i'm gonna go buy that book i'm pumped don't buy it on amazon either, you jerks. Buy it off me. Weedorpoop.com. Shout out to weedorpoop.com.

And more important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity! that was a hate gun podcast