All Fantasy Everything - Things You Didn't Like Until You Got Older (w/ Caitlin Weierhauser, Sean O'Connor, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

I WISH. THAT. I DRAFTED WHAT I DRAFT NOW - WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. Ian and David are back in the studio once again, this time with Sean O'Connor and Caitlin Weierhauser, drafting tings we didn't like until we got a little bit long in the tooth. Enjoy!Dr Phil on Late Late Show with James Corden: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uUjVW6NytQEpisode Guests:Caitlin Weierhauser @unclecait IG: @unclecaitSean O'Connor @seanoconnz IG: @seanoconnzSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is wearing Realtree camo shorts right now. My man. Oh, you're talking about me. Talking about you. I was going to say my man. But the podcast is too.

Yeah, everybody's wearing them. You're the king of the Realtree. I blew out the crotch in these, though. I have not. So I've been on two. I've been looking in Walmarts. I can't find them anymore. Well because they fucking went fashion. Now like people are like real trees like a fashionable thing. I know it fucked up and I've seen this coming

because I've been rocking these for six seven summers now. Dude because we're like fucking we always you know fat guys get like two years later. Yeah. But I was first. You were first this time. I was doing it before Action Bronson. I know. All that shit.

And then now it's like, now I can't, these are my favorite shorts in the world. And the crotch is blown out? Yeah, kind of. Dude, I blew it. And you know the thing about these shorts is feel these. You don't, you think you know what they feel like. Oh, wow. What do they feel like?

Oh, I thought it was going to be like a swimsuit. What do they feel like? They're basketball shorts. Are they really? Yeah. No shit? Feel them. Come over here.

Hold on. I'm going to go to you. All right. Oh, damn. Those breathe. I like that Yeah those are beautiful Yeah

There's a reason I've been rocking them For six summers Also Pretty amazing You blew the crotch out of basketball shorts Yeah How did that Those are stretchy

Yeah Alright we had a slight technical difficulty And now we're back Marissa You really kicked it today Thanks man We started talking about Diamond Dallas Page's yoga videos.

Marissa was fixing the microphones and everything. And I think we're going to get the DDP yoga. Truthfully, I have it. Do you? I have a hernia, though, so I can't do it right. You have a hernia? Yeah, it's real bad. How'd you get a hernia?

Well, they're lifting weights in high school and then no health insurance afterwards. Oh, okay. It's actually pronounced. I'll let you feel it afterwards. Really? I have a sciatic nerve. It's showing my back. See? Those are two different things. Yeah, but we It's actually pronounced. I'll let you feel it afterwards. Really? I have a sciatic nerve that's showing my back. See? Those are two different things. Yeah, you know, but we're just commensuring.

That's not even. It's fine. I broke my hand ten years ago, took off the cast the second day, and now I have arthritis. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm with you guys. Yeah, I like pasta. I sneezed and screwed up my back. That's where I'm at. That's exactly where I'm at. We're all human.

Alright, we had another technical difficulty. It was somebody else's fault, that's for sure. David, the technical difficulty boring. Anyway, ailments, we all got them. Sean O'Connor's in the studio. It's that kind of podcast. Yeah, what's going on? People.

I'm sure I got a new personality. It's not good. Hey, party people. Hey, party people in the house. Let me hear you say, ayo, ayo. Call and response on podcasts. How are you? I'm good.

How are you guys doing? Fucking great, man. It's good to see you. So glad to be back. Yeah. Sean Jordan's chair. Yeah. It's so good. How are you guys doing? Fucking great, man. It's good to see you. So glad to be back. Sean Jordan's chair is so good. I feel like I could do a kickflick McTwist. Fucking knockout Christ there on 900.

He's listening to this podcast. He just broke a pencil. Sitting there in North Dakota breaking pencils. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. What? There is a Donovan Strain. Yeah. I think he listens to the podcast. He's a professional skateboarder and fellow podcaster.

Very funny dude. Hint that he shared with us. There's a new like skating video game coming out. Yeah. I'm going to play this shit. I might buy an Xbox for it. What was the last like good skating video game? Oh, wait.

Is skate good? Skate's pretty good. Okay. It's really fun. I was a Tony Hawk pro skater, too, guys. Yes. To a point where I'm still obsessed with it. I think about it quite often. Skate's way more difficult.

Skate's a little more realistic. Yeah, yeah. Way more realistic. That's not the fun part of skate video games. No, but the flow of skate is like, man, I don't have a lot of video games I like, but skate and Tiger Woods golf are like- Yeah, do Tiger Woods. I'd buy a system for those games.

We played Tiger Woods heavy freshman year of college. Man, I played it all the time. Tiger Woods golf was good. Yeah. But skate, it's realistic. Your parents are like, you got to go to school. Fuck you, dad. There's studs on a lot of

stuff you want to grind. Your mom's drunk. A diabetic cop chases you. You have to have your little brother with you the whole time. Oh shit, I tore my asshole. You have to wait eight months. It's the skate again.

It's because of into hibernation. Tore your asshole. When you log in, it's just someone in their room listening to Finch. Oh, man. Looking forward to a skate video game, let me tell you. It's going to be fun. But yeah, I'll buy a system for that. Fuck yeah, dude.

A good skate game? I can't believe there isn't one right now. Skateboarding's still big. It's really therapeutic be fun. But yeah, I'll buy a system for that. Fuck yeah, dude. A good skate game? I can't believe there is one right now. Skateboarding's still big. It's really therapeutic to play skateboarding. Just keep putting Tony Hawk games out. After I played Skate, I can't go back to Tony Hawk. Really? Skate's so fun, and Tony Hawk is like, it's fun, but it's not.

It's childish. Good take, David. On Skate, I know what you're saying. On Skate's career mode, you get endorsed by Transworld, which is pretty cool. And then it'd be like, go meet this guy named Slappy behind a bench, and he'll teach you how to do a kickflip. Yeah. They put you on the cover of Thrasher and shit.

But Tony Hawk also had the best soundtrack, though. Yes. Are we ignoring the fact that they made Goldfinger's Superman the greatest song I've ever heard? It's iconic. Here I am. It's all good. Holding on. Doing everything I can.

Holding on to what I am. Pretending I'm a Superman. Trying to keep. Lost count of sheep. Can I do more? Man, I'm really not sure. Fuck it, Goldfinger. I listened to a lot.

That was the kind of music I listened to almost exclusively in middle school. What's that? Goldfinger and Goldfinger adjacent shit and Master P. I listened to a lot of Mobb Deep in middle school. Did you? Yeah, like a lot. We were having different middle schools. What? I was alone a lot of Mobb Deep in middle school. Did you? Yeah, like a lot. We have in different middle schools. What?

I was alone a lot. I was left to my own devices often. What up, Don? Yeah. Yo, you know the funny thing about Don is only cool when Mobb Deep says it. Only cool, yeah. Nobody on the bus will let you get away with saying that. What's up, Don?

Let me get some of those Starbursts. What? Yeah, what are you doing? Sean O'Connor, head writer on the forthcoming Lilly Singh television show. Watch it on NBC at 1.30 a.m. 1.30 a.m. Perfect.

It cannot get later. It's so late. It's so late. But that's our providence. Yeah, I mean. You make it for YouTube. Yeah, you know what? We do.

It's what Ben Winston says. It becomes available at 1.30. Exactly. That's a nice way to phrase it. That is a good way to put it. Yeah. It's going to be shareable. It's going to be good.

Lilly Singh is fucking, she's Oprah. Really? Oh my God. I've never met a more positive person. Oh, that's amazing. That's beautiful. She makes me feel like I think a woman felt watching Oprah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm saying a woman because I think her audience was only women. Oprah's? Yeah. Oprah's. Yeah. It was women and me. Yeah.

I watched Oprah. I watched on TV. Because it was on right when I got home from school. Yeah. Oh, my God. I loved Oprah. I always liked that her production company was Harpo, which was just Oprah backwards. Yeah.

She had that little cartoon that was part of her. Yeah, I love that. I wish that cartoon was a real cartoon. Me too. I'd watch a fucking Oprah cartoon. I'd watch her solve crimes. Oh, my God. Pitch to own.

Yo. Oh, man. Yo, what if I was the bad boy of the own network? Because right now it's Stedman. Yeah, right. You don't think I could beat him?

You and Dr. Phil, dude? Just like, just like there's stories of us getting wasted at like a Black Angus. Yeah. You took a jet ski to Catalina and shit?

The best moment, I'm sure I've shared it on this podcast before, but it was when we were at the Late Late Show and you remember when that helicopter landed on the roof?

what? It was, all right, so we, is that a place for helicopters? There's a helicopter that never was used.

Never. Television City, baby. One time. A helicopter lands. And we're, we're filming it yeah yeah yeah this great moment

door opens up Ian will sell this so much better than I who do you think got out Vern Troyer we've been talking about the first guy Vern Troyer would have been amazing we were talking about the first guy so the first person is Dr. Phil

steps out of it. What? Fucking big dude. He's huge, right? He's big. Like a Tony Robbins kind of dude. Full of shit. All the way up.

All the way full of shit. Yeah, his hand could palm two basketballs. He's got big football coach hands. Yeah, I believe it. Bald head shining. Mustache looking great. He steps out, looks around, starts walking away. And then. We're like, that was pretty good. Nothing's

going to top that. Nothing's going to top that until another beautiful Italian leather shoe steps out of the helicopter door. What? And then another one, and fucking Steve Harvey gets out of the helicopter. Oh, shit! Steve Harvey! Dr. Phil, Steve Harvey, helicoptering in

to a building they don't need to be in. Neither one of them work there. Neither one of them tape there. What the fuck were they doing there? I assume going to the Grove. This is the closest hell of a path. What were they talking about up there? Rich guy stuff.

Steve Harvey is hilarious. He's so funny. And I bet Dr. Phil's funny. I don't think he is at all. I think it's all an act. I think, cause like, I don't know. I think that's his best case scenario is what he puts out there. Why would you hang out with Steve Harvey?

I don't know. Steve Harvey's hilarious. I don't think Steve likes him. There, I said it. Alright. Oh, I think they're best friends. Maybe it's like an RBG, what's his name kind of thing? There, I said it. All right. Oh, I think they're best friends. Maybe it's like overpool. What if it's like an RBG, what's his name kind of thing? What? Oh, where they're like rivals but friends?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say Steve Harvey did a sketch on our show, and he was game to do it. I think it speaks highly of him, where he became the lead singer for Good Charlotte. What? And sang. Have you not seen this? I have not seen this.

I'm going to watch this. You're really making dreams come true over there. I love it. Have you not seen this? I have not seen this. I'm going to watch this. You're really making dreams come true over there. Everyone is like... Are you serious? If you know me, you know I never push stuff that's on the Late Late Show on this podcast

unless I almost ever bring it up. I feel like I'm being inceptioned right now. Just falling back. Yo, it does feel like a trap. And he sings Lifestyles with Richard the Famous. No, he doesn't. And I'm not going to give anything else away. Kiss my ass.

I'm bookmarking that right now. You have to watch it. I'm going to watch it. What was he wearing? I'm not going to say. Damn. I'm not going to say, but I will. Maybe we should watch it right now.

Hold on. We're going to watch it right now. Yeah, yeah. Let's just watch it. I'm so excited. What? Okay. Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil might be the funniest person on earth. I told you. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, my God. We can't fanfic him as a prison warden. He's Dr. Phil, and he's funny. So, oh, my God. Watch it, but we're going to spoil it.

When he comes out in the eye makeup, and he can't sing at all. He's such a bad singer. He was just yelling. You know how accents disappear when people are singing? His is more pronounced. How did you lead with your accent? He immediately sounded like he was giving advice to the audience. Lifestyle's like a rich and famous.

giving advice to the audience. Lifestyles of the rich and famous. It's like, in my, I'm like, that's the funniest thing that's ever been on our show is just him singing. That's hilarious.

Unnecessary. No one asked for that, but it is so good. Oh my God. Anyway, him and Steve Harvey got out of that helicopter. What else do you,

Your Two Dads? Your Two Dads podcast. What's it doing? If you have a kid, want a kid, I don't know. We got a little more kids. Yeah, I mean, it's not really about dads anymore, I guess. I mean, it is. We talk a lot about being dads.

But the last episode that came out was with Jimmy Fardo, who has a kid, and we didn't talk about kids at all. Really? We mentioned he had a kid, and he didn't want to talk about it. That's amazing. It's you and Julian McCullough. Yeah, Julian McCullough, who got a haircut and he no longer looks like a tremendous piece of shit.

He looks like a member of society. Oh, good. Yeah, and we give dad advice and do all that stuff. It's really fun. You guys should all come on. I'd love to. Because now we are opening it up to anyone. You're opening it up to not dads.

To not dads. If anyone's ever been around a kid, was a kid. What if I have a fur baby? No, I'm just kidding. I hate it when people say that so much. Not a fur baby. You know you're capable of having a baby baby. Yeah. Listen to your two dads You know you're capable of having a baby baby. Yeah.

Listen to your two dads. Anything else to promote? No. Lilly Singh, your two dads. And yeah, just I'm glad to be back. Hell yeah. David Borey in the studio. Hey.

At the GS Island on Twitter. That's me. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Tell him. You've got a screening coming up. I got a screening for a short film that Steve Fine Arts and I wrote and we filmed it.

And it's short, but it's funny. It's fucking good. I think it's good. Matt Bronger's in it. Punky Johnson is in it. Fat Donger. Fat Donger's in it. Sam Towner is in it. There's a Zach Toscani cameo. Steph Tolev. Yeah, September 3rd at the Virgil in Los Angeles.

It's free. I would love to show it to you. I'll be there. Because I thought nobody was going to see it. So now some people are going to see it. I'm going to be there doing one of those rapper squats. Oh, yeah. There'll be a lot of squat pictures getting taken.

Hyping them up. Gassing them up. Gassing them up. And they're wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates jersey doing a rapper squat. Oh, man. I got big plans for your street. I love those jerseys.

Also, September 20th and 21st, I am at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. So come to see that. I love that club. I always have a good time. You don't need to bring me a bottle of Cutty Sark this time. Yeah. Just your presence and five of your best friends.

You trying to taper off that Cutty Sark this time? Yeah. Just your presents and five of your best friends? Yeah. You trying to taper off that Cutty Sark? No, it's... Pipeline? Yeah, I can't just have a bottle of that. All the time. It's not... Is that what you're saying? It's crazy.

It's also much too hot in Phoenix. Oh, yeah. If you're drinking Cutty Sark, dude, it makes you feel like you're drunk on a ship, too. You can't drink anything brown when it's that hot out. It's bad. I don't think a lot of people understood that that was the bit. They don't, yeah.

Well, when we're talking about drinking Black Velvet and Cuddy Sark, it's because we were broke. Yeah, it's the most bang for your buck. Yeah. Yes. But, no, Cuddy Sark tastes bad. You're not even supposed to drink it straight, guys. You're supposed to cut it. Yeah, look it up.

It's meant to be cut. It's like Everclear. I will say it's been really funny listening to the podcast from its start until now where you guys are now very careful about what you ask for and scan. It's crazy.

We have so much hot sauce at the crib and we love it. We literally use all of it, especially Sean, because he puts it on everything. Sean Jordan. But like, yeah. I forget that people even listen to this. I know. And then we go on tour or something, and I'm like, whoa, you guys heard that?

It was fucking crazy. People really like getting us drunk. Good fans. Good fans. I like getting us drunk, too. That Philadelphia show, though, which is still not coming out. Never going to come out. It's never coming out.

But it was wild. All I'm going to say, I was wearing a yarmulke through a lot of it. Yeah. What? Did a yarmulke on for a lot of it. Yeah, we'll link a few things. What? There was almost an electrical fire before the show.

Oh, yeah. I almost burned you down. I learned how to play. I was playing ODB on piano in the background before the show, but intensely and alone. We drank like five city wines. Did someone take a video of that? No, I don't think so. Billy's under.

I was in a weird headspace before the show. I get that. I've been swerved pretty tremendously. You guys will hear about it. But it's not coming out. No, never. Shane Torres was screaming. What'd y'all do to Shane?

No, no, no. Like I said, come to the live show. Because that could happen. You don't know what's going to happen. There's a thing in Philly called the Citywide, which is a shot and the 24-ounce beer. Yeah. And they kept sending them.

Send the Citywides. Up to the stage. Yeah, I only found out about that recently. And, like, I lived in Philly for, like, six months. Yeah. Philly rules. Philly does rule. Philly's, like, maybe my favorite city on the East Coast.

My sister-in-law was at your Philly show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met her. Yeah, Katie. Yeah. Yeah, she was all excited to go to that show. Now we'll never be released.

Now I'm going to have to get all the dirt from her. What did she do? She screamed. Caitlin Wethouse is in the studio. What? Uncle Kate on Twitter. Yes. Uncle Kate on Instagram.

Across all platforms. Across platforms. What do you got coming up. Uncle Kate on Twitter. Uncle Kate on Instagram. Across platforms. What do you got coming up, Uncle Kate? I'm here in LA. I'm grounded. For a little while until November. So just doing shows and hanging out. I have some stuff coming out in the fall, but it's just this kind of hurry up and wait thing.

Can you talk about it? My Disney movie is coming out on the streaming service. What's it called? Where can people see it? coming out on the streaming service yeah what's it called where can people see it on the new Disney streaming service yeah when it drops I think November 1st is

we're hoping for initial content so we'll see it's called Timmy Failure it's based on a kid's book and it was incredible to film and you played Mufasa I did

it was a weird choice no one asked for it somebody had to Mufasa you got fired real quick. It's in a record setting. So that's going to be great. Timmy Thalia.

Yeah, I play a biker librarian, and I've never felt less like it was acting. Oh, boy, was that right on the nose. That's a documentary for you. Yeah. They had a high alert because I kept trying to steal the costumes. And like, I didn't even tell anybody. I was trying to. They're like, eyes, eyes on that one.

Get that. Get that away. Best count. It wasn't the best. It was the cool best. That's amazing. So you'll also be doing stand up around L.A.? Yes.

And then I'll fuck with you there. Yeah. How's everything else going? A living nightmare, you know. I did severely screw up my back. Sneezing. Sneezing. That'll happen.

You'll get that on these big jobs. Exactly how old I am. That's happened to me before. Yeah. Yeah, it just means you're getting older. I know. My body's literally- Nothing will ever heal.

Never. It's never going to be okay. This is as good as it's going to get. I cut myself on a Christmas tree and I have ever heal. Never. It's never going to be okay. This is as good as it's going to get. I cut myself on a Christmas tree and I have a scar. What? There was a Christmas tree on the street. I was texting while I was walking to 7-Eleven and it cut my leg because of my basketball shorts and I just have this huge scar.

When was this? In Glendale. It's my Glendale store. Oh, my God. Whoa. Not wear. When? Oh, January.

You don't wear shirts a lot, huh? I wear basketball shorts around my neighborhood, but never out. Oh, okay. Never out. I can't do it. I can't show off these babies. They're like a proximity-based short. Yeah, exactly.

If I'm going to 7-Eleven, they have seen my legs. I throw on shorts literally all the time. But the second I get home, these come off and I put the basketball shorts on. I straight up don't know the last day that I wore pants. I wore them last night just because I was like, maybe I'll meet a lady. And then I got hammered on a white claw. I think it was probably June. When you last wore pants?

Yeah, I haven't worn pants. And it's crazy because I hang up my pants and they're just hanging in the closet. Yeah. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish StockX. Ooh, StockX.

Where you mostly buy loafers. It's a loafer-based website. What is the Orthodox Jews? What's their footwear? What do they wear? I don't know, like a hard leather shoe. Orthopedic. Orthopedic.

Orthopedic Jews. Yep. It's like a hard, it's nothing. Orthodox-a-pedic. Although, it would be dope to see like a Hasidic Jew in like fucking the Travis Scott ones or something. Yeah, like some Yeezys. We're wearing Yeezys right now.

These are the most comfortable shoe I've ever worn in my entire life. Oh, yeah, because there's no seam or anything inside, too. It's like one whole piece. Oh, they feel so good. It's got the boost sole. There's something about it. They're just so comfortable. I might go around and get some Yeezys.

I've stayed out of it for so long because they're the hype beastia shoe in the world. But sometimes you just want to feel good. Nothing beats a comfortable shoe. It's so comfy. And they're fashionable so people think you're cool. It's so fucking boring. I've turned into such a boring person where I'm like, ah, you know, just like

put in a sweater on your feet. That was such a pure feeling. Oh yeah, there's nothing better. Nothing such a pure feeling. Oh, yeah. There's nothing better. Nothing beats a comfortable shoe. Like, oh, boy. It's a real tame boy podcast today. What an underrated day. Tuesdays.

Yeah, I mean, literally this morning I whacked poetic about salt on chocolate chip cookies. And I'm like, who have I become? I loved cocaine. I couldn't get enough of it. But the salt, it balances the sweetness. Man, that is so real. I loved cocaine.

Herb Alpert's music is as timely today as it was when he was making it. Oh, man. It's music for your soul today as it was when he was making it. Oh, man. It's music for your soul. That's that good shit, though. If you can get to the point where salt on cookies makes you as happy as cocaine, you're in a good place. Yeah.

Or you're fat. Oh, you're fat. Yeah. Or you're fun. You know what? Fat is a good place. Yeah. What do I got

come see me at Bumbershoot literally tomorrow Bumbershoot Bumbershoot um I'll be performing there with uh

who else is there Vince Staples Vince Staples oh is he there I thought that's Tyler the Creator is for sure there oh Tyler is there

uh Lizzo Taking Back Sunday whoa I mean Carly Rae Jepsen. Jack Knight. What a crapshoot of a festival. I love it. Really feels like anything could happen.

Smattering. My ex-girlfriend and dear friend Emma Arnold will be there. We'll be having some pork sandwiches together at some point. Not a euphemism. I'm going to take her out for aphemism. I'm going to take her out for a pork sandwich. I'm going to take her out for a pork sandwich.

Yikes, Ian. Are you guys still going to have fat? You know that one pork sandwich place that's really good in Seattle? Yikes.

Anyway. Let's see if she wants to get a pork sandwich. Shout out Emma Arnold. It's not a euphemism. It does. I was very clear about that. It's too specific, though. It's not a euphemism. It does. I was very clear about that. It's too specific, though.

It's a great pork sandwich. Is it pulled? I'm not. I'm out of here. Yes, but I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm with you, man. All right, all right.

Sorry, sorry. I was going to get to the bottom of this. I was getting Jalen Brown about it. I was getting defensive. Don't figure it out. She's going to be there. She's the best stand-up comedian I've ever seen, so you're going to want to see that. She's the greatest. So was getting defensive. Don't figure it out. She's going to be there. She's the best stand-up comedian I've ever seen, so you're going to want to see that. That's the greatest.

So if you're in the area, come out. Come fuck with us. That's it. Watch The Late Late Show. Listen to all fantasy everything. Oh, wait. Also, November 15th, watch my Comedy Central half hour. Yes.

Fuck with that. Yeah. Sure. I think we should get a catered. That's so exciting. From where? I don't know, dude. Italian? Pork sandwiches. I'd never eat Italian. We should get maybe like a littleed. That's so exciting. From where? I don't know, dude. Italian?

Pork sandwiches. I'd never eat Italian. We should get maybe like a little Italian. You should. Yeah. I know, right? You should eat Italian. It's very good. Yeah.

It's weird. I never do. That and crime are the two things they're good at. Whoa, you said it. That's right. Duh, wusses. We are gathered here today not to drag the name of an entire country's people through the mud, but also to draft things that you didn't like until you got older,

which we've been talking about getting older accidentally this whole podcast because of our ailments. We suck. Because of our ailments. Wow. So the way we determine the order of that draft is with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you. We throw on shoot.

Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David wins again. I won the same way I won last time. The same way you won the previous podcast. How could you do this to me? I'm sorry. I still thought I won.

Where is your head at? Let's revisit that. I'm pretty sure I won. Where is your head at? Let's revisit that. I'm pretty sure I won that. I'm actually going to pick the order. What a twist. What a fucking twist. What choice would I have? If he was just like, put it on the table.

Shit, all right. This is your house now. I'll move out. This is an episode of Your Two Dads now. Marissa, send this to Comedy Central. Having won it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you,

the Serpentine draft. And what is that? Great question. What the fuck is that? I'll try. I've never done it before. I wasn't going to do it. I'm glad you're doing it.

I'm going to try it right now. All right. So let's say you're at home, right? And you're in your bedroom. And you try on a pair of pants that you haven't really worn before. And you're wondering how they look. But you don't have a full-length mirror in your room. The only full-length mirror is in Sean Jordan's room.

So you walk through the Jack and Jill bathroom over in a Sean Jordan's room and you look up at the fan that has been on the entire time he's lived in that room. The entire time he's lived in that room. Years. That fan has never been off. He's left town. He didn't turn it off. It's still going. I'm not complaining.

It's just interesting. I look at myself in the mirror. Fans are really resilient. And I check out how the pants look. I give it a spin. Turn a look, yeah. I think for a second. I look at myself again in the mirror. Do you do the casual like ha ha ha Jeremy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do a few different moves. Yeah, you do a ha ha ha, Jeremy, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I do a lip bite. Because you don't know where the night's going to go. Lip bite and a point. I'll even like cross somebody up a little bit. Oh, you got to cross them up with new jeans?

Not tonight these pants. I go back to my room. I take those pants off. I put another pair on. And then I'm like looking at them. And I'm like, okay, yep, yep. I belt them up. But I'm like, oh, how do these look? And I walk back over to Sean's room.

Fan. Still going. Nothing's changed in that 45 seconds. And I look at myself in the mirror. And I check it out again. I go back to my room. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, that's basically a serpentine draft.

I don't think that's what a serpentine draft is. Also, you've been home alone a lot recently. It's been weird. It's gotten really weird in my house. Dog. What do you think it's like in the townhouse in the valley? I do like it, but it's weird. We're solo boys now.

Yeah, it grows on you. But yeah, it's weird. You have to indulge so much that you decide to pull back. Yeah. But you really have to go. You have to test the limits. Yeah, you gotta go full Ian. The problem with it is, I know it's a temporary situation.

So then you're going to be weird. I will never pull myself out of it. Absolutely. Because I know soon Zach is going to be home. Yeah. And then Sean will be back. So there's an artificial barrier. So I'm just fucking.

Going for it. I walked around naked except with shoes on the other day. Wait, that's somehow weirder than just naked. Laced shoes? Laced shoes. That is wild! What? How?

Just to try it out? That means you got naked and then put shoes on. No, no, no. I was fully clothed and I turned the shower on, right? You're like sneaker time. I don't know why. I just was like, oh, my towel's by the dryer.

And for some reason, I took my shorts and underwear off, kicked them off my feet, and then wearing, again, probably these exact Yeezys, walked over to the dryer, grabbed the towel, and for some reason, I don't even know why, walked the long

way back to the bathroom just because I'm like, when am I going to walk through my house naked again? No. Gotta take it out for a spin. I did. The flight patterns and the nudity and when you're alone man. Weird patterns. I'm just, I was, dude, I read

a book in the spare room the other day naked. That's wild. There's not even any furniture in there. No, there's just boxes in there. It's just boxes where I Scotchgard my sneakers. Yeah. Were you on the floor? Yeah.

All right. It was real weird. Shout out to Betsy for sending me that book on the new history of Sierra Leone. Oh, nice. Yeah, I tell you. All right. So what would the order be? That basically means you pick fourth in the first or you pick first in the second.

I'm going to do the same order as last time with new people. So it's David, Sean, Caitlin, Ian. Hot corner. Hot corner. And I'm going first, right? Yes. So with the first pick in the things you didn't really like until you got a little bit older draft, David boy, you have the first pick, which we will get to right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by policy genius, policy genius. I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick.

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And just like walking around being, frankly, high as hell. I just feel so, and like being like, I could get this for the plate. Like it felt, and I used to hate, I worked at Target. I used to push carts at Target. I hated that motherfucker. I hated that they called the customers guests. I hated zoning. I hated that I had to wear a walkie-talkie.

How did you feel about calling it Tar-jay? Oh, my mom thinks it's one of her go-to business. I think every mom thinks they invented that because my mom does. My dad loves Tar-jay. He thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. I fucking hated Target, but now I love it I went to two different targets yesterday. Do you understand? I had to put together an exercise where we did Glendale is like in the fertile Crescent of days. Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, it's a fruit. It's like it's such a good place to like spend it I don't know I and my mom would be in there for hours when I was a kid, and I'd be ripping my hair out. Oh, yeah. Because especially if I – because, you know, when you were a kid, you're like, can I go to the video game section? Yeah. To obviously play video games. The music and the lights just grinding you down. Yeah, and they used to have the console set up, too.

Yeah. You could actually be playing them, yeah. I hated being there. And then, like, now I cannot get – Absolutely. Take me to Target. I loved it as a kid. Really?

But I was a little gentleman of a child. Really? I really was. I was a curly haired little guy wearing hard sole shoes. And short pants. Tell them. Tell them how you used to wear short pants. I did. I wore short pants. I was a little gentleman.

I loved Target. Even when I was on my own, like when we were growing up in Beaverton, the thing we would do is walk to Target. Yeah. Really? We'd buy Jujubees and then we would walk back home. What a garbage candy too, by the way. Well, we would mostly spit them.

We would just put them in our mouths and go, I do kind of like Jujubees. I think the orange ones are like some of the best taste I've ever had in my life. But yes, they get stuck to your teeth. The texture's weird. Yeah, it's a bad texture. Yeah, they're made for like the pre-evolution people of the 1930s. I get it, man.

I like Chico sticks. Those were candy when like phrenology was a respected science. Yeah, back when people only bathed once a week. Yeah, bloodletting. Right.ology was a respected science. Yeah. Yeah. Back when people only bathed once a week. Yeah, bloodletting. Right. It was a grittier time. But Target now is amazing because you're like, oh, I could use some of this stuff. Dish towels.

Yeah. Oh, man. I'm trying to, I got to go back. I got to go back to Target in the next couple of days and I can't wait. Yeah. Can I pile on and just say one of my favorite things about Target is, you know, when you first go in and they have like the little section of like shit kind of on sale that like tricks you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That of my favorite things about Target is you know when you first go in and they have like the little section of like shit kind of on sale that like tricks you

that is my favorite spot yeah the discount bins that's all I want to see and then it'll be themed for like back to school or like whatever but then like everything's like a dollar and they're going as a dad I get my kids stickers at that little dollar section

we buy stickers the last time I was there it was great we got a coffee maker I get my kids stickers at that little dollar section. We buy stickers. The last time I was there, it was great. We got a coffee maker. We got diapers. And I bought baseball cards. I was about to bring a baseball card. It's one of the only places I know you can get them anywhere.

You can buy a box of baseball cards. That's wild. As a child, that was impossible. You're like, $34. That's all the money that there is. But now you're like, yeah, fuck yeah. I don't even know where they are anymore. It's wild. I almost bought

a Nerf gun this last time. Because going to the toy section as a grown man with an income is one of the wilder feelings. Oh, yeah. I can get anything here. Yeah, I want this Hulk mask. I need it. I'm going to here. Yeah, I want this Hulk mask. Yeah. I need it.

Yeah, I'm going to wear that, shoes, and nothing else. I'm going to order Postmates. Yeah, oh, yeah. What a choice. I live in fear. I've been ordering Postmates so much. I live in constant fear of having the same Postmate twice. Just happen to me. Oh, God, I don't want him to know.

He texted me to say, I'm here. And there was a previous text saying that from June. Oh, no. Because then you had to go out and you're like, yeah, hot chicken again. Yeah. Twice I've had weird experience. Today, because I post made an acai bowl to help my recovery from last evening's festivities. Go works.

Go works. Thank you very much. And I opened the door. I was wearing basketball shorts and a tank top and the woman who was like not born in the States but had been here long enough. I opened the door and she was like, oh, big guy.

I was like, yeah. I am. Other people have a different relationship to fat people. They do. In other countries they're just like, it's just like saying tall guy. There was no judgment in your voice. So I was like, at first I was taken aback, but then I was like, nah, all right, yeah, good. I heard Postmates to Your House one time when you weren't there, which I guess is now weird to say.

No. I got Jersey Mike's order to your house. Sean was there, and it was another comic, but Sean wasn't there either. Sean wasn't there either. It was like he was coming back from work or something, and it was just me. And the guy was like, this is a nice house. And it felt weird, but I was like, oh, it's Ian Carmel's house. He's been shopping, you know.

This is his mid-century modern couch. That is truly the worst, though, is when you know the postmates. Oh, that's a nightmare. Because one time I postmated Hootersers because I like the wings but not the environment. They are short wings. They're good. I don't like the environment. How are you living your life?

I love it. And Kurt, my friend Kurt, dropped it off. And then I've never felt more judgment from somebody I know than him delivering me. Was it Kurt? A bunch of Ho delivering me. Was it? A bunch of Hooters? Was it my friend Kurt too? Kurt Neal? Yes.

Do you know that we grew up together? Oh no. He's on my baseball team. I love him dearly. But he was my postmate who brought me Hooters. And he was like, aren't you someone's dad?

That was his exact word. I'm like, I've never felt worse. And he has to take a selfie with me holding the bag. It was his exact word. I'm like, I've never felt worse. And he has to take a selfie with me holding the bag. It was so much shame. I've never been shamed more. Did you invite him in? I didn't.

I was like, fuck you, Kurt. You're making me feel terrible. Oh, man. That's a nightmare, though. I'm going to text him real quick. Oh, that's so funny. That is the nightmare. That's about as though I'm gonna text him real quick That is the nightmare That's about as bad as it gets He took a selfie picture

With my post-mated hooter Now he just has that picture That's like signing up to be a registered sex offender In a way You can't even do those like these are for me and some other people too because he's like it's you, your wife, and your kid. I know who's in that. He's like I'm the census as well.

I know everyone who's in that house. Oh, you're having people over here not. Hooters, it's so funny that it was Hooters. I do like Hooters. I do like them. And it's hard to get a great wing in LA. I like that they have a really good, I do like Hooters.

I do like their food. And it's hard to get a great wing in LA. I like that they have a really good, their buffalo chicken sandwich is like incredible. It's great. But you gotta go to Hooters. So there's a bunch of like dads taking their unwilling sons. You know what I mean? Yeah. Saga.

Come on. You're 21. You're 21, Joe. I wish there was an option at Hooters to be like hey it's alright you don't have to pretend like you want to sit at the table with me

and flirt with me I just want to have chicken wings and drink a beer quiet Uber rides you could just put a wall up and then it's like oh yeah no here I'm a regular human being I'm going to treat you like a human being as well put a wall up and then it's like, oh, yeah, no, here, look. I'm a regular human being now. I'm going to treat you like a human being as well, just a heads up. At least in a strip club, you're like, I know what this is.

You know what I mean? It's sexual in nature and everything. But it's the same energy at a Hooters where they're like, hey, what are you guys doing later? It's like, I'm going to go home and shit because I'm eating at Hooters right now. What do you think I'm doing later? Also, I fall in love easy. Don't do that to my heart. Right? Yeah. Hooters right now. What do you think I'm doing later? Also, I fall in love with, I fall in love easy. Don't do that to my heart. Right?

Yeah. David. Hooters, it's rude. I find it rude. It is rude. That's the most pure thing I've ever heard you say. Shanta, time for your first pick. All right, my first pick, this is actually something I feel like no one else was going

to pick, but something that I didn't like no one else was going to pick, but something that I didn't like as a kid, teenager, that I love as an adult, are Fast and Furious movies. You didn't like them as a kid? I did. I thought when it came out, I thought it was stupid. That first one, I was just like, nope, not for me. Not for me.

And then something happened when I hit 27. I saw Fast Five, and it changed my fucking life. Yeah. Fast Five is the greatest movie ever made. That is the transformative one in the whole series. For sure. What on earth happened? I want to know.

I was so judgmental. Oh my God. Like little 15 year old me was like, Rushmore is good. I saw Fast and Furious and I was like nope I'm too smart for this then I saw Fast 5 and now I'm at a point where The Rock is picking up live missiles

and diverting them and I'm like yeah this is the greatest thing I've ever fucking seen in my entire life now I watch Ballers I was always on board. I was like you. When they hit the NOS? I felt nothing for Vin Diesel

or Paul Walker. When he hit the NOS? I thought it was just like, I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I'm like, fuck this. When he was like, I almost had you. Any real racer knows. Now I'm just. When he was like, I almost had you. Yeah. Any real racer knows. You never had me.

You never had your car. Now I'm truly crying for like Dominic. Like for. Oh, yeah. All I want is Coronas in my buds, bro. There is though. It's real. I mean, I went through it too where it's like, you're like, you're liking things for other

people instead of yourself. Exactly. And I think there is something nice about being pretentious when you're like that age in your late teens early twenties because it does open your heart and eyes to things that maybe you wouldn't have liked I do think yeah I think that opens the door

into this whole other world that you didn't know about and it helps you learn about oh yeah the 70s had cool people. And the 80s had cool people. Yeah. And all that stuff. And you're in there.

And it's great. And you learn all these things. Right. But ultimately, you do want to just kind of see, like, fast cars. Corndogs have always been delicious. Yeah. Yeah. This whole time?

This whole time. Fast cars are cool, dude. I don't drive fast, but, like, they're cool. And the cars only get cooler. like also the first one it's like Toyota Supra the first one was like cars that like that was a heyday the first one was like cars that a kid at your high school had

and like some dude had a CRX that was like I don't want to see Derek's car fuck Derek there were racing clubs at our school which was just people getting tickets together. That was all it was. It was a group. Yeah.

They called themselves Hyrax. Oh, no. It was like, you guys, come on. Yeah. We had a lot of kids. A lot of kids raced each other in high school. Fun story. Me and Sam Talent tried to race a Cadillac one time.

Wow. But we were in a moving truck. Why? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa, I can't believe I remembered this wrong. This is through. We were in the Cadillac. Sam's first car was a lime green Cadillac.

Yeah. And we were next to a moving truck. And Sam was like, you want to go? And I was like, fucking do that shit. And the guy in the moving truck was like revving it. And we were like, fuck yeah. And like, it was the light green. We sped like, fuck yeah. And like, was the light light green? We sped off and you just hear like, ka-ting.

Like the guy kicked it in the first two hard and fucked up the engine. We bailed. Oh, man. That was a good day. God damn it. He also ran over my foot in that car. In the Cadillac? Yeah.

Did you break the bones? No, it wasn't that bad. It was real fast. We were in a parking lot in Wyoming. We were having a spat. Oh, a little spat? We used to go to Wyoming to get free fireworks. This is all very strange, I understand. It's weird. We like cheap fireworks because they have real fireworks

on the res or... No, in Wyoming, everywhere they have. Oh, really? So you just cross the line. We had to go to reservations in Washington to get good fireworks. Oh, really? So you just cross the line. We had to go to reservations in Washington to get good fireworks. Oh, yeah. I remember that, too. Oh, yeah. From Oregon.

In New Jersey, we had to go down, like, almost go past the Mason-Dixon line to get fireworks. Yeah, to get, like, decent ones? Yeah, to get decent ones. You had to go to, like, North Carolina or Virginia, one of those two. But, yeah, you'd just get a bomb. Yeah. And then you'd bring it back. Yeah, straight up.

I mean, that's what it was. Bring it back and ruin a beach. and then you bring it back. Yeah, straight up. I mean, that's what it was. Bring it back and ruin a beach. My uncle used to get fireworks from Mexico and bring them up for us when we were little, but he didn't care.

Like, it wasn't specific to 4th of July. Do you understand? Like, I grew up with off-season fireworks just around. Off-season fireworks, man. I totally, I know exactly what you mean. I know that guy. Yep. I know.

Oh, man. That is Andy Quinn. A little picture in there. Yep, I know it. Very fun childhood. I love it. God, people got so mad at me for talking about fireworks

on this podcast. Not mad at me, but like. What are they, really? They were just coming at me a lot. Were they reckless? Yeah, but it's like, I don't just coming at me a lot reckless yeah but it's like i don't know for me that was like that was my childhood is like and learning how to be responsible enough in that environment you know what i mean were you hurting other people or

animals or anything you weren't like throwing stuff at cats and stuff like that no no no but we were shooting roman candles at each other that's what yeah, yeah. We were doing wild shit with fireworks. Oh, man. I remember we used to hang out in this abandoned house, and we'd take the stick off of a bottle rocket, and then light the bottle rocket and throw it in the middle of the house. And if you flinched, you were a coward or whatever. Stuff like that. You'd get hit in the eye with a fucking bottle rocket.

Yeah, but nobody ever got hurt. If you take a whistling peat and gently hammer it... Break up all the... Break up all the gunpowder and then wrap it up in duct tape and then light it, it becomes a fucking bomb.

I think that's a regional thing. Is it? I think somebody in the Northwest figured that out because I... Yeah, because I've never heard anybody else talk about it.

I did this, I think, a thousand times as a kid. Yeah, we never did. I think a whole thousand times. Yeah, yeah. That's weird. Like, regional... Did you guys ever

you know those ground blooms the ones that spin around if you time it right those ones are good ground bloom oh that is a great one if you time it right you can throw it

on top of the water it'll press down on the water oh yeah wasted a lot of ground blooms yeah you just mostly throw those into the lake

yeah yeah yeah but like yeah if you time it just right. That's most of the game. Oh, man. Light it, throw it in the water. Damn it. Oh, shooting bottle rockets

into the water? We would have Roman candle fights. Yeah. I love that. Just launch everybody together. I don't know why we didn't call it Wizards Duel this whole time, but I just saw like a thing

on Instagram video and these kids are just lighting each other up and they're like Harry Potter, or yeah, like kids from Harry Potter have gone apeshit. To Wizard's Duel, holy shit. That's so funny.

Alright, we have one more technical difficulty, because David keeps kicking his microphone. Fuck out of my life. We're back, though, and it is time for Caitlin's first pick. Sure it is. I gotta go... go staying home. Yo. Staying the fuck home.

Yeah. Canceling plans. I did too. Outing. No, but like especially in teenage years where you're like high key social, you're like, oh yeah, you got to be like, yeah, see what's going on. And like, is there a party? Can we go?

And just like, oh my God, just staying the fuck home. Yo, that's so real. I genuinely remember the saddest moments of my life. Like the times that was the saddest were when my friends were doing something. I didn't get invited. Oh, it's devastating. Devastating. It was devastating.

And now that's like my dream. I'm so glad that you all have each other. That's good. Y'all keep yourselves busy. Holy, huh? Yeesh. I'm going to take an L for this one. I'm not doing it.

I'm going to watch the West Wing for the fifth time. Yeah. Oh, man. Wet burp these chicken wings. Oh, man. Yeah. I never am doing anything when I don't go out. No.

I rarely. I had. The last time I gave a good excuse. Like, I had an excuse for not going... Oh, it was with you, not going to that dinner. Oh, yeah. That was the last time I had a good excuse for not going out,

or a good reason. Oh, yeah, because you had a meeting the next day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we had to, like, meet... We had, like, a meeting before that. Great meal. It was a bunch of people from The Ringer

and the Shibatani twins, dude. You missed them. I don't know who the Shibatani... The Shibsibs? I don't think they're twins. They're Olympic figure skaters. Damn. Yeah, that does sound...

That's a video game I want. I want a figure skating video game. Give me that. Salchow. Absolutely. Stick them landings and shit. There's nothing better than staying in. There's nothing.

Last night, my friend texted me going, like, are you doing anything tonight? You want to, like, get a drink? And I was like, no, I'm going to watch Mindhunter. Is Mindhunter back? It's back. It's back? Yeah, like instead of even like talking to my wife who's on the other couch, I'm watching them talk to like a guy who kind of looks

like the Sunset. Mindhunter is so good though. I fucking love it. I wouldn't have gone out last night if I knew it was back. I'll go out tonight. I'll go out tonight. I'll go out tonight. I have like a specific like scenario is my absolute favorite too is when I have

like intentions or first of all if someone else cancels the plans thank God. Oh my God. Thank you Jesus. But when you get

you're gearing up to get ready and you're like committed to doing it you're like yeah I'm going to do the damn thing. It's going to be okay. Get a shower.

Come out of the shower to the text that the plans are canceled and then you're clean you're like committed to doing it, you're like, yeah, I'm going to do the damn thing. It's going to be okay. Get a shower. Come out of the shower to the text that the plans are canceled. And then you're like, oh. Oh, that's my favorite one. That's my favorite one. The only thing better than staying at home is staying at home clean as hell. Yeah.

And I don't have to put shit back on. Now I get to do a whole skincare routine. I'm going to moisturize the fuck out of my body. All that. I'm going to use like four of those Dentek strips. And then just climb into bed just precious and pure. Oh, God. That's my favorite one.

Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That reminds me. I'm putting new sheets on the bed tonight. Yeah. I just bought new sheets. You got a good bed, dude. I do got a good bed.

You got a good bed. It was a Titan is the brand. I got a bed for fat people. It feels bigger than a bed can be. It's the biggest bed I've ever seen. It's very large. California King? King? Someone say it's in charge.

It's in California. It was relatively cheap to be honest. $1,800? Jose Cuervo? Less than that. Really? Yeah. And it's got a cooling top.

It's really fantastic. I love it. I got a pizza. Bamboo sheets. Pizza cloud. Ooh. Ooh, you got a cloud. Yeah, yeah.

This is hot content. I just realized that my wife does everything in my life. I don't know. I sleep on my bed. I don't know what it is. Sean, come to your head. Where is your bed. I don't know what it is. Gun to your head. Where is your bed from?

Fuck. Store. China. The best is I can come up with a store. I just got those new parachute linen sheets. I got the whole. Are they made out of parachutes? Yeah.

That was a weird question. I understand. It's right in the title, bug. Stand home. It's a great pick. It's a fantastic pick. It's time for my first and second picks, as it is.

A serpentine draft. With my first pick, I'm going to take something I despised when I was younger. Didn't even really love it until maybe around high school. I started understanding why it was a cool thing,

and now I adore it. Exercising. I'm off. I'm off. I'm out. This is the first one I haven't agreed with. I love it now. Want to take a break? I truly feel like I'm going to die of a heart attack every time I do it.

I love doing it. It feels like very therapeutic for me. You probably liked it when you were a kid. You just didn't count everything. Don't tell him how to feel his feelings. I love playing basketball and running around. I loved playing football as a kid. Oh, I loved it too.

But I didn't realize that I never thought about it as exercise. But like exercising for the sake of exercising. Because I was a troubled little kid. I would try to lose weight. I would even go to the gym. And I was like, this is bullshit. I hate this so much. But now I fucking love it. I love, like, seeing the results of it.

You know, I love, like, if you've been in the gym for, like, a couple weeks, and you're like, oh, shit, there's, like, a new vein on my arm and all that stuff. That is kind of cool. I did like that. I had a personal trainer for a month until he tried to kill me. But, like, when you leave and your arms just feel like you could actually like throw the moon. I love that feeling.

I would leave the gym. That's a real miracle on 34th Street. No, what's the movie? What's the movie? With Jimmy Stewart? Your money's not here. It's in Ned's house. It's a wonderful life.

It's a wonderful life. It's a wonderful life. Man, I went real far. Yeah, you're not too far off. I went real far for that one. I went to, I did chest and tris on Thursday, and then went and did- You know what you do after chest and tris? Huh? Back and bis.

Back and bis. Cool, baby. Exactly, yeah. Back and bis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They could be making this up at that point. You gotta do a push and a pull. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So chest and triceps one day, back and biceps the next day, and then legs. But anyway, and core every day. But I was foam rolling afterwards and then tried to get up, and it was hard to get up because I went so hard on the chest. For me, that's an amazing feeling. I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, you really put in some work. I used to. This sounds so corny. I used to like the feeling. I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, you really put in some work. I used to, this sounds so corny,

I used to like the pump. I love the pump. That feeling of doing work to completion. To failure? In high school, it got me like, that was a kid in stone. Yeah, it is kind of sexual. Very sexual.

Well, on a short note, I'm pumping irons like, the pump is better than the orgasm. Yeah. It's like your whole body is coming. And then he says, so I am coming all the time. And we just let that happen. And then you find out all the things about him,

of how his fucking is made. And you're like, yeah, he is. You are coming all the time. Dude, Arnold Schwarzenegger loves fucking. That guy loves fucking. For sure. But I just love, it's like so good for my brain, too. Like, that's what I really learned

is like, if I fall into a depression, I'll be I'll like start examining my life, and I'm like oh, you haven't been working out. You've been like you know, it's just like good for your self-esteem. It's good for your body. I feel better. And as a kid, I just fucking hated it. So that's my first pick. That's a good pick.

Exercising. I hate it, but that's a good pick. That's fair. That's a good pick. Exercising. I hate it, but that's a good pick. My next pick is going to be avocados. What? You didn't like? I hated them when I was younger. You were a weird kid. I was.

By the way, I'm still there. You hate them? I do not like them. Really? You don't like guacamole? No. I can handle guacamole, but when there's avocado in a salad, it's a texture thing. I'm just like, no, thank you.

Is it because it's so thick, so fatty? Yeah. I think some people are turned off by that. But that's the flavor. That's the best part of it. But it's like, wow. Yeah, I love it. It has the consistency of like a butter.

Yeah. I get it. I get not liking it. I mean, I love butter and I also love fat. Wait, were you finger full of butter, kid? Oh, I think I'm still a finger full of butter. I'm finger full of butter, man.

I got caught standing in front of an open refrigerator with a stick of butter in my mouth. A couple times. Yeah, Sean was pissed. My brother used to get spanked because he would run by the butter dish and just take a track out of it on the way by. And he'd get whacked. But I saw him do it, so I was like, fuck, butter seems cool, so I did it too. So he got spanked so many times for me being like, butter time.

Fucking weird kid. As a kid, if avocado got anywhere near my mouth, it would make me nauseous immediately. It was so delicious. And then I remember one time I was like in my teens, I was like, I'll give it a try. And I tried it and I was like, whoa, what the fuck is wrong with me? Like, why haven't I eaten this before? Fireworks went off in my head. I have a pick like that.

It was like delicious. And now I fucking love it. I love avocado on everything. I'll put it on stuff that it shouldn't even be on. I've had avocado ice cream before. Get out of here. It's good. They put it in smoothies. It's a great fat replacement. I love that avocado smoothie.

What do you get? Bubble tea shops? Oh, yeah. Bubble tea and stuff? The avocado? Man, it is. It's good. I gotta give it another try. bubble tea shops. Oh, yeah. Bubble tea and stuff. The avocado. Man, it is. It's good. Nothing like you think it's going to be. I got to give it another try. You might be ready for it.

When was the last time that I had avocado? It was in like a salad I got, which I also don't like. But like I think maybe I'm just equating it to salad because I really hate salad. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're right. Are you confusing avocado with lettuce at any point? I just can't believe I'm still alive. That's all I'm saying. You're thriving somehow.

I'm a disaster. I don't know what I like. You're progenated. Kate, time for your second pick. I'm going with siblings. Damn. I thought I was going to be able to get that in the fifth round I was afraid I didn't put it in my first

I was like I'm going to get that stolen siblings what a great pick wow does it get different no I'm kidding hate them all it would be funny if you know that your siblings are like little kids oh yeah

your sisters are old little kids. Oh, yeah, it is. Your sisters are old, though. Your perfect angel brother. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. God, yeah, that gets different. I always liked my older siblings, but I hated my little sister. Yeah. And she hated, well, she, we didn't get along.

And now that's like more than my best friends in the whole world. Absolutely. I fucking love my little sister. We used to hurt each other so badly, like physically hurt each other and be thinking up, I can't tell you the amount of my childhood that I spent trying to figure out a way

to physically harm my siblings more. Yeah. And then carrying out these plans, like knock down, drag out fights, bleeding, stabbing. There was a lot of scars. Stabbing? Yeah. I got stabbed with a butter knife and then a steak knife.

Butter knives aren't for stabbing! Yeah, well, I did it hard enough. I agree. I tortured my little brother so much that he became like this muscle head. He worked from 15 to 22,

became like this MMA freak, and then I came home for Christmas, and he put me in a headlock and made me tap out. And I think that was like- You deserve that. That was huge for him. That's all he wanted. That was his life's goal.

Wow. You did that. You don't even eat vegetables. It was very- He could have done that at 15, I'm sure. He started crying. And now I love him. He's great.

I always wanted a sibling because I didn't grow up with any of my siblings. I always wanted a sibling in that idea of like, this is going to sound crazy, but like it feels almost safer that you had someone that you could physically assault regularly and not take that outside the house yeah yeah does that make sense yeah like every kind of fight i ever got like that in like that was like with like a neighbor or like at school yeah so where you're like so people are like oh this kid's a psychopath now it's like really i wanted to hurt people in my own home. You just don't have anybody to wail on.

Yeah. Or get wailed on. I wanted somebody to wail on. I'd be nine getting in a fight with a five-year-old girl. Yeah. But it was okay. You're a mean boy. If there's one thing I know, you cannot be doing that on the street.

Me and Aliza Carmel did not get along. We were getting little slap fights and stuff. It was so stupid. She's my favorite. She's my favorite. You know this. She loves you. I. It was so stupid. She's my favorite. You know this. She loves you. I love your sister so much.

If you don't have that, then you're just out here like a monster. You know what I mean? I'd get in fights at school sometimes, and people would be like, what's wrong with you? But then I'd go to my friend's house, and I'd see some kid put his brother's head in the toilet. I'm like, I got in trouble for hitting somebody? Are you kidding me? I think you broke their brother's arms and shit.

You know what I mean? But you could do it in the house. You can't do it on... Especially in the late 90s. You know how there was all those kids who were accidentally killing smaller kids by doing the rock bottom at school? Oh, yeah.

Wait, what's the rock bottom? They didn't have siblings. Exactly. Oh, my God. I forgot about that. Exactly. I had nobody to try wrestling moves on. So I was just doing it out of the house.

And it made me, a lot of stories of me seeming like a psycho as a kid. And it was just like, no, I had no one else to be violent with. Yeah, I very much remember like Kevin Nash picking up Ray Mysterio Jr. and like throwing him like he was a dart. And then me seeing my little brother and being like, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that right now. Yo, and you got away with it because it was your own. Yeah.

You learn pain thresholds, acceptable ways to abuse each other. I had a middle child, too, so I had an older brother. They used to just walk by me. We'd pass each other in the hall, and he would just bounce my head off the wall. He would just push a dog. For what?

There's no... But now, imagine if a strange, chubby kid with a good disposition did that to you. You'd tell a teacher. I'd freak out. When really, I'm just saying you're all my brothers. The world is my... Now there's no one I'd rather hang

out with than Elisa Carmel. Exactly. Yeah, but back in the day, it was like fucking beef. Yeah. Seems like you kind of have to. Well, you feel like you're being replaced, you know, because you're like,

I'm the baby. And then there's a new baby, and you're like, no, I'm still the baby. Especially the fancy little lad that I was. Yeah. Heart, soul, rockin', avocado eatin'. Or no, not avocado. Avocado hating.

Avocado hating. Politics book writing. That's right. I wrote a book about the Iraqi war. My next pick is sushi. Oh, okay. That's a good one. Appropriate that you're in Sean Jordan's seat.

Yeah. I really hated sushi as a, like, well, I never even had it. It grossed me out, the idea of eating raw food, well, I never even had it. It grossed me out, the idea of eating raw food. Like, it was disgusting to me. And then in my 20s, I tried it, and I was like, yeah, it's fine, but it doesn't fill me up, so why would I ever eat this? Now, I fucking love it.

I love it so much. Love it. I fucking love it. It turns out it's really good. Yeah, it's fantastic. You do it right. It turns out it's really good. Yeah, it's fantastic. You do it right. There's a lot of mayonnaise in there. It's the best hangover food, too. It's so good.

Isn't it? But worse drinking food. Oh, yeah. Don't do that. You're in trouble. Every time you eat sushi and then you go out to drink. You're in trouble. I get wasted.

Well, I get sushi burps, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Those come back. Shout out to Molly in SF who told me that years ago. We were hanging out one night. She was like, why are you so drunk? And I was like, I get sushi burps, too. We're like, oh, boy, those come back. Shout out to Molly in SF who told me that years ago. We were hanging out one night. She was like, why are you so drunk? And I was like, I don't know.

I ate a bunch of sushi earlier. And she was like, every time I eat sushi, I get wasted. Yeah, none of that food is absorbed. It doesn't absorb. It doesn't take anything. Which is probably because it's good food or something. Well, it's like cooked rice, which is very absorbent. And it's like fish, which just doesn't absorb.

There's no carbs in there. Well, there are the rice there is, but but like the texture is just made for your mouth yeah they could get so your mouth explodes it's doing no work down there I've always loved sushi my dad used to take me to sushi when I was like a little kid and one time I ate so much pickled ginger that I barf all over him ginger that I barfed all over him. Cool. He was like, that's my boy.

Uh-oh. He's barfing. He's still doing that. It's like a dim sum. I'll eat too much dim sum and barf all over him. Good pick. Yeah, sushi's a fantastic pick. I love it.

It never bothered me. My mom still doesn't really like sushi. Shout out, Mom. But you don't like it. I know you don't. Patricia O'Connor, terrified of it. Yeah. Still is just like, raw fish, don't trust it. know you don't patricia o'connor terrified of it yeah still it's just like raw fish don't trust it i'm like you would hear about deaths it's been around in america for about 70 years you would have heard of yeah you would have heard that there was an epidemic

of people eating raw fish that is wild especially back in colorado everybody's like that. Don't trust that shit. You're like, because why? It would have come up. It didn't. It really would have, yeah. Get California rolls. It's like fake crab meat and avocado. It's delicious. No, people are just, yeah, people are scared of sushi.

Yeah. That's a fucking great pick. Scared of a good time. Time for your second and third picks. My second pick, I'm taking lotion. Oh. Time for your second and third picks. My second pick, I'm taking lotion.

Oh! Because as a kid, my mom was up my ass about every fucking day. Yeah. Good. Before school. Good. Did you lotion? I'd be like, I fucking hate you.

And my mom's hella African, so when I was a little, little kid, I think she later found out that maybe it's not the best skincare regimen. Yeah. I used to have to put Vaseline on my face. Really? Yeah, that's like a very common thing. That an African thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I only know black people who have done it.

But yeah, I used to have to put Vaseline on my face. So I'd be going to school looking like a prize fighter and I'd be like, this is crazy. I grew up with some kids from Columbia. It might be a third world thing in general, but yes. Shiny, shiny kid. Shiny, shiny. I was a shiny boy. What is it supposed to do?

I don't know, but she thinks it's like potassium. She thinks it's like good for you. Or not anymore. Your vitamin lotion. Not anymore. I think somebody like maybe told her something, but like as a little kid, yeah. And I just like, she was just up my ass about lotion all the fucking time. I'm not even sure what Vaseline is or what it's supposed to be for now.

I don't know what. I think it's only for anal. Yeah, right? Yeah. Okay, name me three more uses for Vaseline. It's amazing at softening your cuticles. You put it on your teeth if you're a pageant queen. Keep your lip off your teeth.

But I think that also is tied to anal. That's very close. You know what? I hear it now. Did you say socks? It softens your foot skin so you look cute when you do an anal. When I was putting it on my face, the point is I just used to like, she would be up my ass about it. And now I have a bottle of lotion in every room of your house.

I have one downstairs next to the TV. I have one in the bathroom. I have one in my room. Because I'll just be watching TV and be like, let me get a little bit of this. I use all your lotion, dude. It's good. I got good lotion, too. You shoot upstairs in the bathroom?

That's a good lotion. Ooh, that's why I shit upstairs in the bathroom? That's a good lotion. Ooh, that's why I keep it in the bathroom. Nivea makes some good shit. It's a great lotion. But then downstairs, I have the Vaseline brand cocoa butter that's also very good. I only really do face lotion. Really? Lotion is such a black person thing.

It is. But I have good- Because you see that you're ashy, and we, who are also extremely ashy, it just doesn't show up. Made of ash. It just never shows up. It was so not a part of my life. I remember when I discovered masturbation.

This is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. I was looking, because I had read online, I was like 13, that lotion helps. And so I was like, oh, cool.

You were looking up online? You're like, I need help. I was like, how do I make this even better? How to masturbate. He's a 13's a 13 year old loose on the internet. What else are you going to Google? I looked in like the medicine cabinet or the cabinet for lotion and I picked it out, did my business.

Turns out it was a self tanner and my whole head was orange. My penis was orange. And I had to go to, I went to school and then I'm like looking at my head and I'm like, oh, this is a disaster. I'm like, yeah. I thought it was soap.

You jacked off with soap, Tanner? Oh, that's so funny. I was just walking around with an orange penis of a 13-year-old. Oh, that's so funny. I was just walking around with an orange penis of a 13-year-old. Oh, man. What happened there on your hand? Nothing. That's like a thing people will tell you.

You jack off and your hand turns orange. It's like one hand. It's so clear what happened. Exactly. I feel like your parents probably peeped it and then just were like, I'm going to let that one go. You're like a human blacklight. Here's all the crime. Yeah, we're not gonna talk to him about that.

Something else you gotta take on your own. That's so funny. That's amazing. I try to lotion, I'll lotion the feet and try to do the elbows every now and then but it's like not, yeah. You don't see how ashy you are. I'm big about the hands and the feet and try to do the elbows every now and then, but it's like not a, yeah. Because you don't see how ashy you are. I'm big about the hands and the arms and the face and the neck.

But I have good skin, which I didn't know when I was a kid. You have amazing skin. Maybe because of the Vaseline. Probably, yeah. It just retained all the nutrients. It doesn't wear off. Yeah. Excellent.

And your third pick? My third pick is R&B music oh yeah dude cause like as a kid I used to like I think it's because in my head I equated it with like grown ups like my mom I wasn't I was raised in the type of household where like

waiting to exhale was a big thing when it came out just a lot of single black women in my orbit growing up. So like R&B was like, that's like what everybody's mom was. Like I was so anti-R&B. I used to get so mad that every song was about love. I was like, I don't care about love.

But it was every song about love. And I was listening to rap, which is like the complete opposite, especially of the time. So like now as an adult, I listen to Whitney Houston so much. Yeah, you're into Whitney. I love. And I didn't even like. You were calling it up on the road, in between the gigs.

Yeah, I love it. And it's like as a kid, these are all songs that I heard. Like I know all the R&B from the, my mom was a single woman in the early 90s. Like I know all the R&B and I, my mom was a single woman in the early 90s. Yeah. Like, I know all the R&B and I didn't like any of it and then, like, now I'm like watching

fucking Jermaine Stewart music videos alone. And not even on your phone. Not on my phone. Like, fully watching. On the screen. We don't have to take our clothes off.

We can have some cherry wine. Like you said, they're all about love. And I don't know if you know this, but sometimes when they say love, they mean sex. No, they're love. I didn't I don't know if you know this, but sometimes when they say love, they mean sex. No, they're love. I didn't at the time.

Beautiful love song. Yeah, but I never liked it. I didn't like Whitney. I didn't like Mary J. Blige. My mom used to play Mary J. Blige so much. And I never got it. And it's also like getting older now, you understand your parents more. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? Oh, they're people. And you're like, I'm like, oh, they're people. Yeah. And you're like, I'm like, oh, you love Mary J. Blige because that's you.

You identify. Yeah, you relate to her so much because that's like, was your same, all these people. And like now, especially like late 80s,

early 90s R&B, I can't get enough of it. I can't believe there was a time in your life where you didn't like Whitney and Mary J. Blige. As a kid, I didn't really like, it was like, I believe there was a time in your life where you didn't like Whitney and Mary J. Blige. I think it was like a rebellious

thing. And I just love rap so much. Whatever your parents are doing. I love rap so much. Mary J. Blige was the second CD I ever bought. What's the 411? It's so good. Real Love is like an incredible song. I know of these people.

You gotta take the dive. You have been quiet for a whole beat yeah no i do love i do love whitney houston like she was a big i don't believe you know who that is at this point i'm from new jersey she she lived in the rich part of have you watched the documentary yeah what have you watched i have not did you just weep i love i love her like i didn't know i thought i just liked her music i love whitney love Whitney Houston when she's talking shit about Paula Abdul to her mom they have a video of her talking about

Paula Abdul and she's like mommy I hate her she can't sing wow really yeah that's amazing yeah Whitney's cool

I like Whitney she's great she used to live four houses down from Bon Jovi and my mom would drive us to like the Halloween

and Bon Jovi gave full size candy bars. And Whitney didn't do anything for Halloween. And now as an adult, I respect that. So much. Bon Jovi needs to be loved. Whitney cannot even be bothered by children. Get these kids out of my house.

Fucking kids. As an adult, I respect that so much. What a needy nerd, Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi's a dork. What a fucking nerd. Hey, kids, we're halfway there, huh? All right. Have a good Halloween.

His other tiny eyes are rolling. Yeah, get the candy. That's hilarious. She's an angel. Give me the Butterfinger, Bon Jovi. What I have in estate, I'm going to give kids gems. Yeah. They're going to come up to my house and I'm going to say,

let me tell you something for real. Never play poker with a dude named after a city. Keep that. I'm going to give them Tupperware containers full of chili, dude. Yeah, just leftovers that you have. Hey, kids, I'm on meal prep right now. We're having a savory Halloween this year, kids. Put your hand out.

Here's some ham. It's trick or meat at my house. You're going to get egged so much. Oh, trick or meat. Yo. You're going to have a Halloween party though. Oh, trick or meat. Sean, time for your third pick.

Okay, this is new to me, but therapy, self-care. Yeah, dog! Man, that shit's for real. As a kid, never would have ever thought about sharing my feelings with a stranger. It still scares me. It's great. It feels incredible. And you really figure out all the shit you've

been doing wrong yes it's so it's exhilarating to say something like i had a a thought where i was just like you're probably tired of hearing this but uh yeah so yeah like i was like i said that to my therapist i'm, like, I was like, I said that to my therapist. I'm like, you're probably tired of hearing this. But, yeah, since I was like a little kid, I just, I've been thinking about death just like everyone. And she's like, not everyone thinks about death all the time. And I'm like, what? So this is a flaw? Yeah.

My flaw is I'm consumed with the idea there's nothing after this, and no one else does that. We're not all doing this? Is that what you're saying? I'm like, well, what happens when a close friend dies? You don't laugh it away? And then ruminate on it nightly for the rest of your life? You just never said that? You alternate between numb and manic?

Like everyone else, right? Yeah, that's what we do. I realize I've been living my life as a fucking goblin. Can I tell you the most brutal question that ruined me? Do you ever remember a time when you didn't feel depressed? And I was like, I gotta leave. How are you even gonna rifle that one off? We're at the top rifle that one off we're at the top of the hour we're at the top of the hour i mean it's the most helpful thing i've ever done for me i always thought i was like and this is i

mean narcissistic a little bit but i or but also i was always like i know what they're gonna tell me yeah you i know what's wrong that the dumbest part of it? You're like, I got it. Part of it's true. Like, you do. But, like, it's so helpful to say it out loud yourself. Yeah. And to hear yourself say it and to have someone be like, yeah, that is an issue.

You know, like, it's so helpful. You're not too smart for therapy. You're not. The only thing I would change about therapy is when there's, like, where there's like you're laughing and having fun and you'll say something. They catch what you just said and they bring it so far down. You've never felt more down. Absolutely. It's like when you're trying.

No, you have to explain. I don't understand that. So basically what happens is like. I'm really. I was like laughing going like I can't believe I'm saying this out loud but I like I really figured it out in this and like and then I said something something was kinda

the way I said kinda something she was like that's weird you said kinda let's drill into that now oh fuck no I just went through a tunnel but there's another tunnel

and this one's deeper it's the exact same feeling as when you're like growing up telling your parents like a funny story and then you get caught accidentally and they're like wait who was there no one nothing did I even say heroin so we were stealing hubcaps

let's go back to that hubcap thing no that's the part I didn't even heroin? So we were stealing hubcaps. Let's go back to that hubcap thing. No, that's the part I didn't even want to say. That's what Dave said when we were stealing them. Greg said the funniest shit when we were breaking car windows the other day. His face all the way down. God, you ruined my story. Therapy is so good.

It's so nice. I made my therapist cry. I'm too proud of that to know that I'm healthy. Like, I'm not healthy. You're not supposed to do that, right? They can cry? Do you know how proud I am? I'm so stupid. It's like a badge of honor.

Yeah, I made him cry. That's not supposed to happen. No, I didn't fight. That would be crazy. Do you have a therapist you can fight? I think a therapist cry is the equivalent to 10 standing ovations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hits exactly that.

It's like killing in a room full of stand-up comedians. Currency exchange. Perfect. Powerful stuff. Powerful stuff. I remember I went to therapy as a kid when my parents were getting divorced. Same, right? They were like, draw a picture of your family.

And I'm like, I think that's where my distrust of therapy came from. Because even as a 10-year-old, I was like, I fucking know what you're going to want. Why is your dad bigger in the picture? And I'm like, I know. And here you go. His four stick figure, you motherfucker. I like that you talked like you were a grown man as a little boy. Here you go, you motherfucker.

Here you are. Can I smoke in here? Here you are. There's four lizards. You tried to say that. Have fun with that one, Freud. $250 fucking dollars an hour. Lizards. You trying to say that? Fucking charge my dad. Have fun with that one, Freud. $450 fucking dollars an hour.

That's me kissing my mom. Is that what you want? Is that what you want? I don't got to be here. I'm a fucking teamster. Drink this, you fucker. It's not okay. Aggressive child.

I'm having a good time. You're a gentleman. You. Aggressive child. I'm having a good time. You're a gentleman. You're an aggressive child. I just knew. I was like, this is a scheme. I'm maybe a little too old for the scheme. Talk to me. Yeah, people think kids are mad stupid.

Yeah, kids are not that dumb. That was the hardest part about being a kid for me, was I just remember everybody like, I always felt like people thought I was really, really stupid. I'd be like, I know you're an idiot. I see what's going on here. Yeah. For everything. That would smart him. Caitlin, tell me your third pick.

Women. Oh, yeah. Fucking. I've had a lifelong appreciation. Yeah, it's different for me, David. That's why I said it. for me, David. That's why I said it. And outsmarted that one, did you?

Man, you got me so good. But I love your love. Do you understand me? I love your love. Oh, yeah. No, I grew up with an open heart. Yeah, I had to grow up a little bit. You know what I mean? I had to just, oh, goddammit.

When did you realize? So when you're me, you grew up with a lot of homophobia all around you. It's a cultural norm. You don't even think of it. People maybe don't know this. I mean, first of all, society is homophobic. But you were also growing up in rural Oregon. Absolutely.

And grew up in the church, too, which just, it takes it off the table. It's not a thing that people are. It's a sin that people commit, and they're twisted. It doesn't, so it comes in spurts, and you're like, that's not a thing. You just deny it. Right. When you, like, wake up, and you're just like, want to bite your sibling, you just

push those thoughts away. You know what I mean? For no reason. When I heard from your other pic, you to bite your sibling you just push those thoughts away you know what I mean for no reason when I heard from your other pic you also bit your sibling yeah she was a bit she was a bit I had a scar on my tummy she bit me and it drew blood no it's off and on forever

it's a slow motion god damn process forever and through high school was dating college guys, which, follow up with that, probably. Should have checked on that. Yo,

I, child. I always hated that dynamic. Yeah. When you know girls in high school, and they're like, my boyfriend's in college,

I always was like, yo, he's a fucking loser. Oh, I didn't even, I didn't even think about it that way. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, maybe he was gay. Maybe. That's a whole new. You're not didn't even think about it that way. I don't know. Oh, yeah, maybe he was gay. Maybe. That's a whole new... You're not going to fuck around with high school dudes. They're monsters. And you're like, anything else but this. Women aren't even an option. So you're like, what is different than a boy?

A different boy! Okay. A boy who's read the Velgrim? Oh, man, what a tail chase. Going to OIT? Sure. Sure. Fucking Klamath Ball?

Oh, my God. A meth house exploded Going to OIT? Sure. Sure. Fucking Klamath Ball? Yes. Oh, my God. A meth house exploded one time. We were on a date. Southern Oregon's wild. Southern Oregon is wild. I can tell. Yeah. And then out of high school, I think I'm bisexual.

And then slow motion forever. It's a long process. But yeah, fucking women, dude. Jesus Christ. They're great. Yeah, really. Huge fans. I've had enough.

You don't? No kidding. All right. That would be a weird time to find that out about me. You put cash under your chips? This is the combo. Hearing her talk about it,

it does seem freeing. Love R&B, hate women, what are you? I'm a wild man. Parts unknown, baby. Time for my third and fourth picks. I'm going to take with my third pick, I'm going to take long drives.

I love them now. And when I was a kid, there was nothing worse than a long drive I would get so fucking bored and you would have to listen to your parents music and you would just be like how far are we are we there yet

which was like a hack as a kid but like a three hour drive would feel like the longest amount of time we used to go skiing up on Mount Hood, which was like two and a half hours from where we went. It's not even that far. It's not even that far. And it was just like, I remember laying in the back of the Ford Aerostar minivan and just being like, why?

Fucking why are we doing this? And like Steely Dan was playing, which would be another good pick for this match. Yeah, man, you did. He was doing it. He was doing it. He was doing it. He'd be up there just listening. Taking his family skiing. Just blasting Steely Dan.

I'm in ski pants and long, I'm in like fucking long johns in the back already. Hot. Hot. Just a hot, soft boy in the back of the car. Frustrated with time. You just, mom was a little hot, soft boy. I was a little hot, soft boy. I was a little hot, soft boy. fucking listening to Steely Dan against my will, just like rolling

just like, ugh. Probably fighting with my sister. You know, like. I was a little shit. I was a little shit hit, but it sucked. I hate it. But now, I fucking love it. We've talked about road trips enough on this pod, but like.

Yeah, I love it. Love it. It's like one of my favorite things is like, I would rather drive to the Bay Area than fly. Like, I'm on that level still. Oh. Yeah. I don't know, though. That drive up the five is not a great drive.

I like it. I still like it. It gets so boring. I know it's not beautiful, but I just like the time. I like the time. I like listening to, oh, I like listening to like a bunch of something. Yes. Like, that's really exciting.

I also like going to chain restaurants that aren't here. I still love it. If I see a Chili's, I legit get a boner. Yeah. Like I love Chili's. They've asked you to stop coming.

Yeah. Poor band. It's an issue. I like Chicken Krispers. The Chicken Krispers are so much better than the ribs. I know. I want Chicken crispers to I want Chili's to sponsor my funeral

I don't know how come They'll be responsible for it No other place has crispers like that What crispers? No no Like the way they do it is like It is specific to Chili's It really is it's like

I feel like they put like egg wash on the chicken Then they like Something I don't know what it is There's like a Japanese It does taste like tempura I feel like they put egg wash on the chicken, then they like... Something. Yeah. I don't know what it is. There's like a Japanese... It does taste like tempura. It's a Jiro Dreams of Sushi situation. I get so excited to see a Dairy Queen on the fucking...

Oh, my God. I like the hot eats. Keep the cool treats. Yeah, I'm a hot eats guy myself. I want cool treats. Going into one of those, like a truck stop and get some beef jerky and some bugles or whatever, whatever. It's so good. I love that.

I love that. I love going into a huge bathroom where there's, like, a sauna. Yeah. Oh, boy. Trucker showers. Yeah, I'm like, oh, these are covered with truck driver cum. Oh, man. But I like it.

I like the road. Yeah. Oh, man. But I like it. I like the road. I truly wish serial killers didn't ruin hitchhiking. Because I think that would have been a fun experience. Right. You can still do it. I don't know. I don't trust anyone in the world.

I used to pick up people. There was a lot of foot traffic on I-5 between the highway, on I-5 between Eugene and Portland. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, I've taken my life

into my hands a couple times. My stepdad does it sometimes. It's real weird. Yeah, we're just loose kids. Just out, yeah, get in the fucking car.

Come on, let's go. It seems fun. Like, John Waters wrote a book where he just, he did it recently. Where he just like,

hitchhiked across the USA. Can you imagine seeing him? I feel like I would never pick John Waters up. He's in a John Waters? With a pencil-thin mustache. Why is this man in there? I feel like he's not even a thumb. He's got like a

you know those long cigarette holders? With a thumb at the end of it? He's wearing like a seersucker suit. I'd be like, this man needs to get somewhere. You're in the middle of New Mexico. That wasn't. I'm hallucinating. That couldn't have been what I saw.

Like looking at your Mountain Dew. Yeah. The fuck? Am I alive? So long dress. My fourth pick is going to be fashion. I didn't give a fuck. I mean, I got dressed up when I was a little kid, but once I took it into my own hands, So long dress, my fourth pick is going to be fashion. I didn't give a fuck.

I mean, I got dressed up when I was a little kid, but once I took it into my own hands, I didn't care at all about what I looked like. I wore so many big dog shirts. Yeah, you did. I mean, I still wear shorts, but so many cargo shorts. Even through college, I didn't give a fuck. And that might have been part of growing up fat, not even having it available to me.

But once I figured I was like, once I got a little money and then I was like, oh, I can actually like dictate how I look a little bit. I got like fucking into it, you know? Yeah. Even sneak,

even like shoes. Like I feel like a little, like you'll talk to all these other sneaker heads and they're like, yo, when I was like 12, all I wanted was like the Jordan threes. And I didn't give a fuck. I didn't care at all. You didn't care about Jordans? I didn't care

about sneakers, period, when I was a kid. Wow. I really didn't. Because we're of the age where I thought that you would have for sure cared about I hated Michael Jordan when I was a kid because they beat the Blazers. Oh, yeah. Really? I was like, I was a New Jersey Nets fan and they just

Yeah, it sucked. It was rough. But I was like I was a New Jersey Nets fan and they just yeah it sucked it was rough but I was like I was a Penny Hardaway guy I was a Shaq guy yeah I love Shaq and Penny I loved anyone because Jordan felt so

I hated that everyone just considered him the best me too where I was like there's more exciting players right like he's kind of a dud like he's boring

we were a bull whoa whoa alright you're talking wild players. He's kind of a dud. He's boring. That's so inevitable. You're talking wild. As an adult, I realized that Michael Jordan was very fascinating. It should be a case study.

This dude was gambling with his father's life. That is the set that came up in the earlier podcast too. We talked about too last time I was on we talked about Jordan being a creep he's a bad dude the bad guy you know what's funny

I like Michael Jordan and I think this is such a specific I only remember because I was talking to my mom the other day I think I like him because my mom hated him

that makes sense it was like a rebellion it was the 96 the 96 the finals or whatever they beat the Sonics yeah and like my mom was like my mom's not like a rebellion. It was the 96, the 96 finals or whatever. They beat the Sonics. Yeah, and my mom was like,

my mom's not like a basketball aficionado, but she would watch him play, and she'd be like, I don't like that guy. And I'd always be like, and I love the Sonics, but she would just be like, she'd be like, no, I don't care about the fouls and stuff.

I don't like him. Like, I don't like that guy. I think that's a bad guy. This is not my favorite person. Back then, she, like, she hated Jordan so early. Kids had, like, sleeves and sleeves of Michael Jordan cards, and I was like, what the fuck?

You fucking traitors. Like, Clyde Drexler. Oh, baby. Kevin Duckworth. Yo, I was all Sonics cards, too, dude. I had a Bernie Bickerstaff's coaching card. What's up? I fucking had Sonics rookie cards. I mean, I had a Bernie Bickerstaff's coaching card. What's up? I fucking had Sonics cards. I had Rick Adleman look like Hitler. I mean, I was a huge fan of that Sonics team.

I love Sean Kent. I love Gary Payton. Sam Perkins. Oh, my God. Detlef Schrempf. Eric Snow. Yeah, they were so. They were awesome.

And they had the coolest fucking jerseys. That was right when they changed. That was right when they. Because they were like the first ones to like change over from the old school. They put some red in there. Their old school ones look like they played for a church. They look like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

That's exactly what it was. They look like they were sponsored by Allstate. In the church basement. That's also where they have the potluck. Super Sonic. Sure you are, hon, sure you are. It's also like a stupid name. Yeah.

But once they got like the space jammy, like Looney Tunes. And we got that like Bigfoot mascot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He was cool. He was hip hop. Slam spots or something. That's so fucking funny.

Hip hop to me. When did you fall? Dean, when did you fall in love with hip hop? Hip hop to me was part of the Seattle Supersonics Sasquatch mascot. It all came together. There was a 360 tomahawk jam he did. Open up my eyes, whole new world. Yo.

Yo. That's hip hop it changed me man it was like after that you know I got into the Phoenix Suns Gorilla after that

I mean you think you had Tupac in California you had the Seattle Supersonics mascot in Seattle and then Bad Boy New York

and like you know you had like Organized Noise down in the south doing their thing but like really like it was about the fucking Sasquatch. Oh my goodness.

Oh, that's funny. Kate, tell me your fourth pick. I got to say Confrontation. Oh! Damn it! That was next on my list. Standing up for myself, talking about getting it, doing it. FaceTime, let's fucking talk about it. That's such a my list. Standing up for myself. Talking about getting it. Doing it. FaceTime.

Let's fucking talk about it. That's such a great pick. Let's absolutely do it. As a kid, you couldn't have fucking paid me to talk to, like, initiate a confrontation. Any kind of hard talk. I was a shy kid for a long time. Were you the type? I was a kid.

I couldn't handle it. Yeah. Even I remember in school, especially getting in fights, in the fight, win or lose, I'd just be like crying. That's the thing. I'm like, ah! And I'm the first to say it. The teacher's like, it's over.

What's wrong with you? No, I'd be wailing. I'm the easiest cry in the world. I weep all the time. Like, it's right there at any point, and it doesn't make me, like, bad or weak. But, like, yeah, I couldn't handle it. I get, like, talked to by a teacher and just be, like, melting down in front of their faces to the where they're like i'm sorry like you're in trouble but i'm sorry yeah i mean i i remember like both in actual physical fights and my like coaches yelling at me i would have like i have to go to

the bathroom and then rage cry what i'm not gonna make it to the fba yeah any kind of difficult conversation any that i welcome it oh let's do it right let's do it let's go could not i didn't want to order food like that terror yeah oh i i'm still all there like here's the thing i love that's where you're living bro bro. I love debating dumbass things and having a confrontation about dumbass things. But in terms of actual real confrontation, can't do it. Don't want to ever do it. I will say yes to things I can't do and then I'll deal with it the day of. I'm like, oh, cancer. It's like the best feeling, though, to

be like, yeah, let's clear the air. Let's get it the fuck out of here. Let's hit it head on. Like, it's not even a full-blown, like, thing yet, but let's hit it now. Like, let's just get it on. It feels so good. Best feeling. You do feel, you seem free when you're saying that. I am

so bottled up. It's like embracing the fact that, like, I'm allergic to shutting the fuck up, and it was like, let's just go with that. I am so bottled up. You see the feel of it. It's like embracing the fact that I'm allergic to shutting the fuck up. And it was like, let's just go with that. Damn, that was really gangster shit to say. I'm allergic to shutting the fuck up. I'm allergic to shutting the fuck up. And you know it's not. I just can't use my sense.

That's hip hop. That's the funniest thing to say. That's hip hop. Yo, that's hip hop. Whoa say That's hip hop Yo that's hip hop I didn't realize that it was so funny I didn't think about how funny it was when I said it Now in hindsight What a funny thing to say Fucking banger

That's hip hop I love a good confrontation I'm with you You love it I love it You love it on the streets I'm with you. I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love it. You do love it as well. I love it. You love it on the streets. I was raised in the darkness. Yeah. Get out of here.

I mean, my dad is a loudmouth Jew from Brooklyn, and my mom is too, even though she's not. I remember as a little kid, I was like, I hate it, because my mom, she would get this look. As a little kid, I was like, I hate it because my mom, like, she would get this look. And if my little sister was there, she'll attest to it. We'd be at, like, Nordstrom's or wherever. And she would get this look on her face. And, like, I'm like, oh, shit. And then I would, like, run away.

Because you know what's coming. You know what's coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It, like, washed over her. She would, like, turn into a different person. And I'm like, oh, she's about to go to the fucking mat with this person. That person was forged in the fire. Yeah, and then my dad was just a fucking, like,

there was no safety on his gun. It was just like, everywhere, everywhere. Oh, pull my shit out in the club. Yeah, but it was like that with positivity. It was like that. It was just, there's no filter. You know? He'd just be like, ah, I love that. Fuck. It was like that. It was just there's no filter, you know? He'd just be like, ah, I love that.

Fuck you. This is great. That's pretty great. It's kind of amazing. It's made relationships weird. But it's like. Because I'm raised in that, so I'm like, you know. It's the best way to be. It's the only way to be in relationships is to be too.

Is that I need someone also that I can fight with or like have a debate. Like I need a person that I can be confrontational with and not hyper aggressive but I have exactly we have to be able to talk about it and why would you

like fucking put the dishes away like that like just in any micro thing major thing doesn't matter I love it I'll probably end up

with a Jew you know God willing confrontation is a great pick Sean time for your fourth uh you know what uh my fourth pick is adults so oh yeah oh yeah so as a teenager and a kid i always was like terrified of being myself around like other like other people's parents. I hated them, and they made me feel uncomfortable. Teachers made me feel uncomfortable

because they all felt like authority, and I wanted to just be sneaky and stuff. But now that I'm an adult, I'm okay with people being older than me and in places of authority. I'm not saying that I like cops or something. What if this was it? I just like cops.

They do, man. As time's gone on, I'm just like, you know what? We gotta band together around these cops. We gotta support our brother in crime. This is not about cops, this is just about other people's parents. I'm okay with other

people's parents. Fuck them okay with other people's parents. If they're gone, fuck them. I dug that trench and then shoved you into it. You can meet a 60-year-old now and have a conversation with them. Have a conversation. They're now a human being. But if a 60-year-old talked to me at 15, I'd be like, what was World War I like?

I didn't know how to talk to another adult. It goes along with what we were saying about realizing your parents were also people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just dudes. Like, they're just... Yeah. I just had the dad, so I just had... Yeah, growing up and realizing, oh, you're just a dude.

My mom's a lady dude. You're just a dude. You're just a dude. You're just a dude who had a kid. Who the fuck let you have kids? What do I do? I gotta make it this big thing. That's a great pick.

Dave, time for your fourth and final pick. Oh, as it is. A serpentine raft. My fourth pick, and I've really gone around the horn on this. Even in the last few years, if you've seen me do stand-up. Yeah. And I've come back to the place that I think it is important to be. I'm saying teachers.

Oh, yeah. I had several teachers who, like, arrested my development. Like, until, like, the last couple years, I hated them. Like, the way they made me feel and then, like, because, like, teachers have so much power over you. Oh, yeah. So when you're a kid, like, the bubble that they can put you in, like, they put you on an island where you'd be, like, I had, and, like,

not to get too deep into it, but I had teachers where I'd be, like, being, like, yo, she's treating me like this. This lady is saying this shit to me, and, like,

and, like, it's, like, bad over here, and then your parents or whoever are, like, no, the teacher says you're fucking up. Yeah. So, like, I always, like,

my mistrust of the system. It's, like, gaslighting. You're, like, yeah, the teacher says you're fucking up. Yeah. So, like, I always, like, my mistrust of the system. It's like gaslighting. You're like, yeah, you get it. I was gaslit by so many, like, to the point where I have to, like, readjust my relationship to white women now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Truthfully. And I think there's, like, a lot of young black boys who have the same thing

where it's, like, because it can ruin your life. But also as an adult, I see, like, boy, what an important fucking job that I never, I used to shit on teachers openly because I had a few who were like, fuck me up bad. And when they're bad, they're awful. But like the good ones are like, you're literally like- Lifesaving.

Empowering children, like helping them live their dreams. Like it's such an important gig and like i think that i've come to a point in my mind where i think that like i think more of them are of that heart than are of the heart of you just had a couple bad ones yeah i had some real terrible ones and it turned me off to the like i used to think i remember being like when i was like younger i'd be like man i would homes i would i don't want my kids to go to school yeah i was like if i had kids i i hated school it was like the worst place to me but it's not like i just had a bad experience teachers are

like super important and have put so many people on to do like think about how many great people you hear and they talk about like whatever your talent was or however you learn to nurture it who taught you and it was always like a teacher yeah i got so lucky i had so many good teachers yeah it's just like i wouldn't be a comedian if it weren't for my uncle scott who was a theater professor in college yeah yeah yeah that's cool like push me. Yeah, yeah. Which is, they're not teachers. Different energy. Don't listen to what they say at gym. Yeah.

I had one amazing teacher who I even still keep in contact with. She's amazing. I have one good coach who I still, when I go home, I do see him occasionally. That's pretty cool. But man, that guy, that guy ruined his family playing online poker. Oh, that is such a coach thing. Oh, no. The best coach ever, like, completely, like, made my jump shot what it was when I was,

like, 13. Like, so good. Incredible. But man, he doesn't know how to play poker. Oh man, that's so cool. He knows how to hold them, but not when to fold them. He doesn't know when. He only heard half the song.

Get out of here. My two very, very good teachers, they were best friends in high school, which was cool because they were the best teachers. My biology teacher weirdly met my stepmom right after I got out of high school. And now my biology teacher is like my auntie. Oh, wow. And like, that's just part of the family.

And you know how long it takes to unlearn saying like their last name? She's like Mary. And I'm like, that's never not going to. Okay. I don't. I'm at your house. Let's start there. This is weird.

I don't like seeing you here. Yeah, I don't. And I'm happy to see you. But first of all, what the fuck are you doing in my house? Yeah, we're all just going to sit around and eat pie. Like that's a normal thing. Why are you wearing a small wooden pin of an apple right now? What's going on?

Do you guys eat pie outside of the holidays? No. Yeah, me either. No. I thought I was going to get into it in the pie hole, but I did. I postmated it one night, and I was like, it feels weird to eat pie in March.

I don't want to go face-to-face with a dude giving me a pie. Like, I don't want him to have to be like, to pull up to me, and then he's like, yeah, you would get a fucking pie. I know, it is a, I'm feeling real comfortable with my body right now. The door opens and he's like, just as I suspected.

Shameless. Yeah. You want this whole pie? Because I don't hear anyone else in there. That's why you home alone it. You set up the train set with like. Get out of here, you filthy animal. You're going to be like, just so you know, I'm going to fuck this. That's why I wanted it.

This is for sexual appreciation. I saw American Pie and I want to know. And your final pick? Oh, my final pick. This is interesting to me. They're all interesting to me. Competition. Oh.

I didn't like as a kid. And I played sports. I grew up playing sports. Yeah. Even like especially like wrestling, like those singular sports. I just never like cared about even like playing football and stuff. It was like cooler if we won because people weren't mad. Yeah.

But like i never really cared about competing in anything and i think it was like a self-esteem personal thing yeah and now as an adult i'm like it's fun to be it's fun to acknowledge that you're good at some stuff yeah and bad at some stuff you know what i mean like i used to never i'd never like even like playing like you'd play basketball after school with friends. I'd never want to keep score. I just didn't like it at all growing up. And now it's like, and now I'm like, yeah, it's fun.

Are you competitive about stand-up? Yeah. That's where I learned it. That's a weird place to be, too. That's where I learned it. It's like, I never even thought that I was competitive. And then I started doing stand-up, and then I realized it's not that I wasn't competitive. It's that I didn't think I could compete so I right so and so I just like didn't

play the game in any aspect of anything and then I got something that I thought that I felt that I was better at than a lot of other people and then I was like and it just like shifted my whole view on the the whole idea of competition. Because it's not, that's what this is. It's not bad. You know what I mean? No. It's like natural or whatever.

I was certainly fueled by a competition, especially early on. Oh, stand up? Yeah. It's the only way to keep going. Yeah. And you start like. And it's a hard mental space to be in. Like, it's not sustainable.

You've got to unlearn it. I'm not very competitive about it now. To get, yeah. When I started. Yeah, but you needed it initially. Oh, I was like, especially if anyone was mean to me or was gatekeeper-y about me, I'm like, I'm going to fucking bury you. I remember my friend who did stand-up with me when we first started. We had this other guy that we met at the first open mic.

And then he said to him, he's like, do you think you're the funniest person at the open mic? And he was like, no. And then he was like, then why do you even fucking do it? I was like, oh, that's cool. That's what to switch my head to. That's also like some open mic-er-ass shit to say.

Oh, but it was great. My friend was 17 doing it as a senior in high school. This guy he said it to was like 25 and I was like, the confidence. I need that confidence. And then I took them both down. Like a fucking Highlander approach.

There can only be one. You took them out. It's too brutal, you guys. Man, but that's how it has to be in the beginning. You wonder why women quit. I'm surprised anybody doesn't. That guy likes Ska who quit. That was right.

That was right for him to quit. Some of us like Ska and kept going. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Is that Scar? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You nailed it. Sean, time for your final pick.

Dogs. I got bit by a dog as a kid. I hated dogs. And now I'm an adult and I think dogs are pretty great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They make the world go round. I love them so much. Can I kind of say, I feel like everybody needs to chill on dogs what it fell it feels like the last couple years it wasn't nobody ever shuts the fuck up about dogs all it's like

can i just i'm just like god damn it i'm i i i'm annoyed of dogs dogs it's it gets on my nerves can i offer a counterpoint i don don't hate them. I like them. Right. Especially in person. But show me something else that's okay right now. That's not how you deal with your problems. No, but it's what we have. It's not like a real, you know what I'm saying? Show me something else that's just going okay.

And dog culture is like oftentimes very privileged where it's like, I known people where I'm like, yo, you're low key racist. But you really, but you feed this dog good food. So you must be a nice person. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't like, it doesn't fill your gaps. It's an animal, bro. That's like, remember what the, remember what the, like the balance of nature, how shit works. Like, yo, he doesn't love you. Like you love it. Dogs don't know what the internet is nature, how shit works. Yo, he doesn't love you like you love it.

Dogs don't know what the internet is. They don't. They fucking don't. They don't know about that. What the fuck are we doing? If I have to see another 10, I only swipe left because of your dog. Shut the fuck up. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. My thoughts on dogs. I'm getting weirdly here. Boy, this is a lot. And you wouldn't think it because if you boy this is a lot and this is like and you wouldn't think it because if you saw me with a dog I do like dogs

yeah yeah yeah I enjoy their company it's the culture I don't think liking dogs is a personality yeah I don't like watch dog videos yeah yeah

you're not like a crazy dog person dogs are in like offices now I like it better when they're in offices I know it sounds contrary to what I'm saying I don't like seeing them anywhere

I don't like dogs I'm. You don't like dogs. I'm allergic, which is one thing. Okay, that's a big one. That's a choice. I think the impotence is here. It's like gluten. When I see a dog at a fucking restaurant or a grocery store, I saw a dog at fucking Nordstrom's the other day.

I was not just thrilled. And I was like, get that fucking animal out of this store. I don't want this fucking animal that eats shit next to the fucking salad I'm about to get. And I don't want it to be my daughter. I am very screwy. Move it into my neighborhood. I am. I'm a dog Scrooge, but when I see him in places

that I'm supposed to be... Again, I'm not mad at the dog. I'm mad at the person. I'm like, who the fuck do you think you are? Can I just bring some ferrets into your fucking store? That would be amazing. Why are you? I'm talking myself out of my own point.

I do think, I'm with you on, I don't think dogs should be at restaurants or supermarkets. Why? Because you're going to eat stuff and dog dander's not, I don't want to eat dog dander. Finish that sentence. I know I should have said that. I picked dogs and now I'm turning anti-dogs.

I've seen dogs shit in restaurants. I've seen them shit at airports. Have you met people? I don't see them shitting on the floor. I rarely see them shitting on the floor. I'm just saying, like, they're not privy to all this shit you're putting on them. Yeah. And the whole nature is pretty sad. Your mad dogs

don't know about the internet. No, it's like, no, I'm mad at their whole nature. The fact that they were fucking free animals and we made them fuck their cousins until they were tiny enough to put in a purse. That's a fucked up situation. That's a fucked up thing to do. And we don't act like that's the...

We didn't do this to these dogs. We subjugated this whole group. He's straight up saying my joke right now. No, man. This is the most. You want to talk about wolves right now? Yes, we can do it. I just, it's like,

I feel like it's just like hella oversight. There's hella oversight. When that's the reality that you delve into when you're like oh i wish my dogs are better than people well you know what spend some time trying to fix fucking people then i do think what david is saying is that he likes dogs so much that he doesn't like how we've disrespected i do like that's the fucked up part about this whole angle is i love them like if there was a dog in here, I'd be happier than if there wasn't. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I really like them. I really like them a lot. I do hate, like, those dogs that wear bow ties and go to restaurants. Oh, yeah. Popeye the Poodie? Yeah. Popeye the Poodie is his. They didn't put it on themselves. No, I know. It's their owner.

Yeah, their owner's a dickhead. I'm going to find a way to eat free food for the rest of my life is by bringing my cute rescue dog, putting him in a little Hawaiian shirt and taking a picture next to food he doesn't get to eat. He likes Pokeballs. Y'all are mad about stuff that doesn't even affect you. Why would you like Pokeballs? Y'all are very mad about stuff that doesn't even affect you.

Kate, do you have your final pick? Sorry, that dog's pick went wild. I understand. Some shit that needed to be said. I love that. I understand. I kind of liked it. It's all hot up here. When I saw it on the list, I'm like, I'm just gonna say dogs and say the reason why

I like them now and we'll move on to the next pick. And no, it was great. I might be punch drunk too. I've been laughing a lot. Yeah, we've been in here. I might be punch drunk, too. I've been laughing a lot. Yeah, we've been in here. See what we do for you people. Final pick.

Me, baby, me. And oh, wow, we are not all the way there. But just a little, yeah. Like looking back and being like, oh, yeah, I hated my whole self. That wasn't a good place to be. You learn a little a little, learn to like it more, be on board and it's a hard one and it sucks.

I'm bored of talking about it already. Let's go. Beautiful. That's a wonderful pick. We're all on that journey. You know, like on different points on that journey I think so. You know, if you have any self-awareness. Yeah. Wonderful pick. That's like an important pick. Here's how much

I hate myself. Didn't even think to include it. Me either. For real. I'm like cream cheese. It's the last thing on my list.

And I feel like it was a real Hail Mary pass. Right at the buzzer. Me, I don't know. Mine is going to be Marissa. When we started this podcast, I hated you. I'm joking.

I'm kidding. We loved you the whole time. My final pick is going to be weed, marijuana. When I was growing up. I cannot get on board with this. Even in my early 20s, like in my teens, I thought it was fucking stupid. Oh, really? I thought smoking sucked. No, you were my teens, I thought it was fucking stupid. Oh, really? I thought it sucked.

No, you were not fun. I was just like, why would you do that? Your brain is a garden and you can play in it whenever you want. Why would you pollute it with this stuff? You've always known you had a good brain, though. I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had broken brains the whole time.

This is going back to the bad teachers. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Maybe. I will posit this, though. Getting more stone than alive and then going to band rehearsal is maybe the most fun that I had. That would be fun. I wish I could do that.

In high school. I'm with you on this. What a time. I liked weed in high school, though, and I smoked too much, and I had real bad times. Oh, anxiety. So I was fucking done with weed. Then I just got a dosis pen like six months ago and I fucking love it

so much it's so good because it's so much more of an exacting science now too you can just specifically be like I want the weed that makes me

like socks or whatever you're like got it that shit's not for kids you shouldn't be and I started listen I started smoking weed in eighth grade but like

you shouldn't be smoking weed when you're going through puberty I know we knew like it's just not we didn't make good choices. No, no, no. I didn't start until I was like 25, 26.

That's the way it should be. That is the way to do it. I was 15. I hate that I just, all of my entire friend group growing up were like, every single one of them had the same Tupac poster on their wall. And those are the gandas. And the clouds with the RIP underneath. Yeah.

They start smoking at 13, and then you just try to keep up, and you can't because you're mentally not there. Yeah. Because you're not supposed to be. It's like it isn't for kids, for sure. So that's the final pick of the draft. Hey. We had some amazing picks.

David, you went first. You took Target, Lotion, R&B music, Teachers, and then Competition. I have a Competition in me. Yeah, that's a good. Sean, you went first. You took Target, Lotion, R&B music, Teachers, and then Competition. I have a competition in me. That's a good. Sean, you went second. You took the Fast and the Furious movies, Sushi, Therapy, Adults, and then Dogs. Yeah, I feel like I matured through the list. Kaelin, you went third.

You took Staying Home, Siblings, Women, Confrontation, and Yourself. Yeah. And I went last and I took exercising, avocados, long drives, fashion, and weed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sound like fun days. Yeah. It's a good day.

I want to go compete with some dogs. We love some good stuff on the board. Camping, beer, any alcohol, really. That sounds creepy. I was going to say like sex and I was like, that's just... That's a dangerous thing. Older compared to what?

Precisely. I'm not going to say it. I really liked it when I was eight in my camp council. But now I love hands. We have to. We gotta go. We gotta go. We gotta circle these wagons.

We've been in here. We want to hear yours. Send them to us on Twitter. We love hearing yours. Please send us your pics as well. Add All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. Allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to the one and only super producer Marissa.

Add Marzmell on Twitter. Fuck with her. Shout out to St one and only super producer Marissa at Marzmell on Twitter fuck with her shout out to uh St. Sue Carmel Ma I love you shout out to fucking I mean Sean Jordan

hopefully by now you're back in LA when this comes out we fucking miss you we love you hope everything's going well in Sioux Falls South Dakota

North Dakota South Dakota I hope the Crippen is the Crippen is uh easy and necessary so sad shout out to Frank Ocean

shout out to Haji Beats shout out to Sid the Dude shout out to the AFV subreddit shout out to the Patreon thank you for holding us down and fucking with us we really appreciate it

shout out to the Patreon oh shout out to the Slack man you guys tagged us yesterday it's obviously different timing now. You tagged us yesterday. I kind of like to stay silent in there because they have their own community and it's so fun to watch. I like popping in every now and then. I really appreciate you guys and just all the support.

And I'm so glad that you guys found each other and you have this cool group that loves each other. They really love it. Yeah, shout out to Troll Murray. We see you in there. In the community. Shout out to fucking Slides and Socks. You know what I mean? You're fucking rocking them. Shout out to

Soft Tacos. Shout out to Rum. I'm willing to give you another shot. You're back on Rum? No, I'm not. I'm certainly not back on Rum. What if tonight's the night? That's what I'm thinking. That you another shot. You're back on rum? No, I'm not. Whoa, boy. I'm certainly not back on rum. What if tonight's the night? That's what I'm thinking.

That would be crazy. I've been off rum since I was 19. What's the mojito? I do like a mojito. If you end up drinking Bacardi tonight, I'm leaving. Why have you been off rum since 19? Because it's rum. I drank. I went to a party at University of Oregon.

Not even a party, actually. One of my friends from high school went to the University of Oregon. And I went up there for a weekend to visit her. And somebody got us a bottle of Bacardi rum. And I drank the whole thing. And the night was a blur. I remember, like, running down halls and, like, pounding on the walls. And, like, almost getting in a fight.

And, like, barfing a bunch. And I woke up in a shower that was on. A dorm shower with wet clothes and I didn't have other clothes. Messy. Arms messy. Messy. Lionel messy, dog. So that's why I don't call it a room.

Stop a carny. I kept drinking a little bit after that. But ever since then, it's just the second I taste it, I'm like, I'll barf later for sure. So I don't really fuck with a rum, except in pina coladas. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week

for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Chicago City! that was a hate gun podcast