All Fantasy Everything - Things You Wish You Were Famous For (w/ Dylan Adler, Blair Socci, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

I wish I was famous for writing good podcast descriptions.   Episode Guests: Dylan Adler @DylanAdler6 (IG: @dylanadler_) Blair Socci @blairsocci (IG: @blairsocci)   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel) Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan) David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87) Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)   Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all fantasy everything. The podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're fantasy drafting. Hold on. I'm getting the exact wording of it here. This is as raw as it gets. This is as real as it gets.

Things you wish you were famous for. I wish I was famous for being better at doing intros. Our guests today are stand-up comedians Dylan Adler and Blair Saki. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. And with me, as always, is my friend, my companion, the stand-up comedian known only as Sean Jordan. David Borey is in a cargo ship off the coast of Bolivia, speeding back towards the United States. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is fantasy drafting, things you wish you were famous for.

I'm your host, Ian Carmel. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean Jordan in your hearts is my co-host. Sean Jordan, how you doing? What do you got coming up? Good. This is good. This is good this is good i'm good uh i'll be in sacramento at the punchline with a one kyle canane august 3rd through the 5th

i believe and then um i'm gonna be in minneapolis the middle of august i don't think there's a ticket link yet but nobody's going to that dude yeah no people are gonna come in nobody's gone dylan blair you can talk whenever just if you want to like also let you know that nobody's going to minneapolis want to hurt me and scar me nobody's gone dude i mean i think people are gonna go to that sacramento show kyle's pretty funny but i i don't see you moving a lot of tickets in minneapolis well i see you moving tickets wherever you go because you're a very funny stand-up comedian and you're an even better person so that speaks volumes to your character that you're better at being a person than you are at a comic

because you're an amazing comedian. So that's how I operate with my family. All through July, I'll be scattered around Oregon and yeah, other than that, chilling. Hell yeah. Dylan Adler is here. At Dylan Adler on Twitter. At Dylan Adler underscore

on Instagram. And then on TikTok, it's Dylan, what is it? Just Dylan Adler? At Dylan Adler is here, at Dylan Adler on Twitter, at Dylan Adler underscore on Instagram. And then on TikTok, it's Dylan, what is it, just Dylan Adler? At Dylan Adler seven. Seven. So it's just a lot of, there's a couple of teenagers from Aspen, Colorado who took the Dylan Adler handle. I don't like that. I don't like that either. A couple teenagers?

Yes, a couple. They're all from Aspen and it's upsetting but i have the six the seven the underscore and you know i've learned to accept well yeah i mean dylan adler is a very aspen name you do have to give i mean you gotta at least they're in aspen yes yes are they posting videos of them like doing snowboarding tricks or anything like that? Are they at least like making good use of the handle? Oh, snowboarding, skateboarding. Wow. Dylan Adlers are quite punk.

They're quite punk. And they love hockey. Dylan Adlers love hockey. Have you reached out to them to try to form some sort of like Dylan Adler bond? There's been Dylan Adler group chats that I've left that people have formed. So I'm not really big on the community of it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, none of them have TV credits and you do.

So I mean, like, get on your level. Yeah. How are you doing? You're out in New York City. I'm good. I'm good. I just came back from Fire Island. Just gay mayhem and drugs.

And so I'm just kind of coming down from that. My voice is recovering. My soul is recovering, but I'm here. I'm happy to be here with straight people where I can recover energetically, you know? Exactly. Blair is in Colorado, so she's giving off a very just sort of like mountainous sort of like straight person energy yes very calm i'll tell you this dylan you let the big dog know she'll go to aspen for you go ahead that's fucking right i will thank you my dude absolutely go handle some go say handle some fucking ring-a-ding-ding some dylan adler thank you so much. Thank you. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to talk

before I was spoken about, so that's why I was being really silent. Laying in the cut. You're reclining today like it's Passover. I like it. This is a powerful way to podcast. Not Passover. That's a Jewish holiday?

That's a Jewish holiday. That's one of my friends. You know, i'm on a famous uh uh the the leather couch of exactly in your mind what is in a comedy club i know you can all picture it yeah is it yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a black leather couch i mean i can see it i can see it but i are i i mean i knew I knew that. Like, it's black leather, like the jackets worn by stand-up comedians in the 90s. Yes! I want one of those so fucking bad, by the way.

You should get one. We should go, like, thrifting and find you one. Yeah, let's do it, because I really feel that that's what I should, my uniform and my soul, like, that actually reflects my insides, you know? Except for I don't make trans jokes, but. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's okay. You can still keep that.

It's an advanced form of 1990s standup comedian. Yeah. You don't rip cigs on stage either. You know, there's little, you can make little subtle updates. I wish though, I wish I could rip cigs that it wasn't like unhealthy because that would feel so cool.

Oh my, it really would. Cause it's like a punctuation mark. You can put on like the end of certain jokes and like it, like you can pace back and forth and just kind of like, uh, just smoke. It's not that you're not doing anything. You're smoking. There's an activity. Do any of you smoke cigarettes?

May I be so bold to ask? I've smoked on stage. I don't smoke anymore, but I've smoked. Back when I started, you could smoke in the club and you could just do it. You'd walk around the whole place with cigarettes. It makes you feel... But in your personal life, do you smoke cigarettes?

Are you a smoker? No. I'm not a smoker either. I did for a long time. It's cool, it is Yeah, well I just have to say Anonymously, one of my friends started Smoking cigarettes pretty

Vigorously and His teeth aren't looking so great I would never say so in my life Cause I'm not that person But just a thought I had Yeah, it's pretty buck It's pretty buck to start now. Yeah.

We also have to respect it in a way, right? What are you doing? I can see carrying over that habit, but it's always like it's odd to watch someone start doing it. It's like we know with everything we know. Yeah. Dylan, where can people see you do? Where can people see your stuff? I know you've been posting stuff online. Oh. Dylan, where can people see you do? Where can people see your

stuff? I know you've been posting stuff online. Oh, yes, you can. I know you've been posting stuff online. You've been on the internet. Now you put some of your things online. Do you put your comedy online so your aunt can see it? Exactly. Facebook Reels on Facebook,

you know, Messenger. Yeah, no, I don't have any dates. I wish I had dates touring, but no, I'm just, I'm pretty much just on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter at the moment. But I hope to have dates soon, and I'll post it on all those platforms where you can find me.

Watch for those dates, and in the meantime, check out your videos. Check out your set on The Late Late Show where we worked together. Yes. But also where you did a fantastic stand-up comedy set. It really was an incredible set. Yeah. And I have to say,

the three men that I am staring at with my own two eyes right now have all three delivered some of the best late night sets. Even all in the past year, too. Incredible knockout sets by the three of you. Well, let us return the compliment. First of all, thank you. And let us return the compliment to you, Blaisaki, who also knocked out an incredible late night

set roughly a year, like within the last year-ish or so, right? One year ago, but also famously ate up the accidentally ate up the first entire minute of my set by saying hello to everyone

on the set. I love it. Blair comes out and she just goes, ha! of my set by saying hello to everyone on the set. Wait, what? Blair comes out and she just goes ha. She looks over at Reggie or something. She's like, hi, Reggie. I watched it like 40 times, no shit, before I went on

because it calmed me down so much. So I'm like, Blair's cooler than the other side of the pillow. How the fuck did she do that? I said hello to James. I said hello to reggie i said hello to ian and then i blew through 25 percent of my time oh it's so rad though i love it it was great i think your set was great i was fantastic for anyone who loved your set who was discovering you, and it was extra good for anyone who already knew you. You know what I mean? It was like, it was one for the, do you have a name for your fans?

What are they? It was one for the reply guys, for sure. I call them Blair Bears. Yeah, it was one for the Blair Bears, for sure. Whoops, made a mistake. Had to cut some jokes out of my set because it's my one minute long. That person who had to cut a minute out of her set, the Socky and the Rockies right now.

Blair, Socky, coming to you live from Denver, Colorado. Oh my God, Socky and the Rockies is so cool. Wow, thank you. Yeah. Now I'm having the time of my goddamn life. I got the call. I got the call to come up to the majors this morning on back on the old fantasy everything with my fucking dogs. Are you kidding me?

Life is good out here. Hell yeah. Dude, you're so rad. It's so fun. How is, you're so rad. It's so fun. You're in Denver. You're currently performing at the Comedy Works. Are you having a good time out there? Ian, thank you

for asking because I really, I heard about the lore of this club for many years and to finally experience it, it's like I'm in a little cave in of heaven. I mean, these people are almost on the stage with you. It's electric. I love it.

I can't. We're going to be there. We're going to be there at the Comedy Works tonight when this comes out. I've never performed there before. I'm excited. This is my first time, too. It's incredible. And I can't believe we're performing the same night.

Yeah, I know. It's going to be a real choice for the audience. Or maybe we should just do it on stage together at the exact same night. It's going to be a real, it's going to be a real choice for the audience. Or maybe we should just do it on stage together at the exact same time. That'd be really fun. I would actually really enjoy my favorite thing. They take your phone. They still doing that. They put it in a Ziploc bag.

So like you, you can have your phone, but they just put it in a lock baggie. And so like, if you need it, you got to go out to the lobby. They unlock the baggie and then you can do whatever you want on your phone. Well, we're all Chappelle now, bitch.

They did that when I saw Bruno Mars in Vegas. So, Blair, you're basically Bruno Mars. That's crazy. That's what they did to us when I did ayahuasca. Oh, they bagged your phone up? That's a good call. Yeah, you can't be on your phone when you're in other dimensions. Having done ayahuasca, like, do you feel like you would have done some crazy shit with your phone up that that's a good call yeah you can't be on your phone when you're um in other dimensions having done ayahuasca like do you feel like you would have done some crazy shit with your

phone or would you have just forgotten about it um i don't know i think like energetically you have no desire to be on there because you're literally like in different lifetimes and at galaxies and stuff so i don't really know but I'm sure there's some crazy fuckers who are so addicted. They're like, where's my goddamn device? I got to get off these ayahuasca TikToks. Trying to duet with the divine mother spirit. Yes.

Have any of you done it before? No, but I'm circling it. I haven't done ayahuahuasca but i've done bufo which is a dmt where you experience ego death and i was on my ego died different dimension got in touch with ancestors it was it was the real deal it was crazy dylan did you tell me you did this with like your family, your mom? No, not my family, but I did it by myself. I did it by myself at the Chelsea Hotel where Janis Joplin used to live. Whoa, there was some crazy spirits there.

Crazy spirits. That is such a chic place to do any kind of drug. That's amazing. I was just at the Chelsea Hotel, darling. You said ego debt? That is such a chic place to do any kind of drug. That's amazing. Yeah. I know. I was just at the Chelsea Hotel, darling. You said ego death? Ego death. What is it?

Ego death. Oh, what is that? I've never heard that term. Ego death is where your sense of yourself completely dies, and you don't have any sense of who you are and your identity, so you're just a fabric of energy in the universe it was truly I've experienced nothing like that it was truly crazy that was an incredible distillation

you really are a master of language that's what I want to be famous for language and mastering that I'd say you're already there dude I think you're well on your way I got one more question, though. I wonder this with drugs.

And pardon my ignorance. What did you say the name of that drug was? Bufo. Bufo. It's like frog toad venom. That's that one. It's Italian ayahuasca. If you had to, could you have driven a car or does it alter your state so you can't do anything

you're completely unconscious you and you have to have people there to protect you so you don't jump out a window sounds fucking so buck yeah all right i'll tell you this about ayahuasca i haven't done bufo but ayahuasca i had and And I'm like, I'm not I don't do drugs anymore. Like I like a mushroom is really what I like these days, but only. But I when I did ayahuasca, it is so severe that my one of my first thoughts was, thank God I've done drugs before, because I cannot imagine what it would have been like had you never done a psychedelic before because it is the it is however extreme you think it is it is 50 times more extreme than that wow yeah that sounds terrible that's a great point I never I'd always just assume everyone going into ayahuasca has the same amount of drug experience but like some people go in never having done other drugs what a fucking

because there's nothing about it that is recreational in the slightest like yeah there's nothing like it's it is like a deep experience there's nothing like fun or light about it yeah i'll tell you what's fun and light is going to see Blair Saki perform stand-up comedy live. Now where can people do that in the coming days and months? Okay, well

you can find me. I am newly I am newly passed at the comedy store. That's a fun thing where you can see me in L.A. now regularly. I'm excited about. And then for the rest of the year, I am on tour with Ron Funches.

And then in the fall, I'm on tour with Anthony Dresselnik. And then I have my own dates, too. I guess if you care about that, we'll come up. Where can they find those? On my website, blairsaki if you care about that. We'll come up. Where can they find those? On my website, blairsockie.com or my Instagram. Was that a good sell? Yeah, I think so.

I'm buying. I'm sold. You're making them come to you. That's smart. That's smart. Go to the Big Dog's website. Go peep the dates. www.runwithabigdog.com slash get off the porch. Have a night off the porch on the Big Dog's website. Go peep the dates. www.runwithabigdog.com slash getofftheporch. Yeah, have a night off the porch on the Big Dog.

I love you a lot. Saki and the Rockies. Saki and the Rockies. By Ian Carmel. It's Blair's three-day comedy slash wine festival, Saki and the Rockies. Yeah, dude. That'd be so cool.

That'd be great. It's just you and a lot of your favorite bands. Oh, my God. At Red Rocks. And the Good Vibes Gang. And the Good Vibes Gang is going to be there. On the grill. We're not even doing comedy.

Oh, God. Quit comedy. Who gives a fuck about comedy? I want to stay on the grill. We're sautéing onions. We're just burning onions. I love a sautéed onion. My name is Ian Carmel,

at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on Jewish TikTok, and Ian Carmel on regular TikTok. I'm on both of those TikToks. Just as Ian Carmel. I'm on TikTok now. I see that.

I like that you're posting. I'm straight up posting. I realize that this is the way of the future. I have to have a presence on these apps. Can I say, you've been getting my likes, brother. Don't think I haven't seen you on there. Thank you. Oh, yeah, the big dog throwing out those likes.

I'll take them. I'll take all the likes I can get on there. You know what? One thing about me, I love TikTok. It's my favorite. I love to be a spectator. Don't really post much. Love to just view on the TikTok.

I enjoy it genuinely. Unlike every other form of social media. I'm kind of getting into it now. I never watched videos before. And now I'm like, oh, I get it. You know, I'll sit in my car after I get home for 15 minutes and just watch TikToks. My favorite TikTok account is this Swedish woman who dives into cold water. And she just, her skin looks incredible.

She dives into cold bodies of water. And you just see her. She like do sounds. She like does it. She's like holding ice and it's very cathartic to me i don't know why but i'm like if she can oh my god i'm blanking on her name but she's swedish swedish girl in i hold cold water and it's like if she can do that i can do my chores when you come across across her again on your For You,

you got to toss that handle over to your boys over here. Run that flag up the flagpole. Absolutely sharing in the Zoom chat. Yes. Maybe it's like a TikTok account that you can't, it has to find you. Yes. The ice cold

life doesn't choose you. You choose us. I messed it up up but you know what I was doing right exactly this lady this very cold Swedish lady people are very into the cold plunging has anyone done like a cold plunge me many times

and I plan and I aspire and aim to get rich enough where i have one because i do believe in it you feel like you like it really it heals your nervous system it shocks you it wakes you up and it it i do feel when i do even do a cold shower i feel alive and yeah and you're better than most people. I'm like, most people aren't doing this. I don't fuck with a cold shower. You know why?

It's like going to a vegan restaurant. Like that is to me, not the purpose of a shower to me. Like I want it to be a separate, I want it to be a separate entity completely divorced from my bathing ritual that like, you know, like where you go to a vegan restaurant and it's like I only order a salad or a macro bowl there I'm never gonna order a replication

of a chicken sandwich because I don't want that and I don't want my shower to be freezing because my shower is hot time I want a separate vessel to do my cold plunges I get that I get that. My shower is hot time.

I'll do a little bit of both in the shower though. I'll go cold hot. I'll go cold hot. Ending on cold in the face is incredible. It is nice to end on cold in the face. Yeah. They say that's really good to put your face in ice water because your face has all the nerve

endings to regulate your nervous system. Your shit. Yeah. I have only done cold plunges in football back in high school and they were just awful back then because they were just big garbage. They were like garbage cans full of ice and water

that you just had to hop into and then hop out of. And you can see me do that on stage tonight at the Denver comedy works. I'll be there too. Sean and I are going to be cold plunging on stage. We'll just mix in a little bit of standup comedy. I'm in Denver tonight, tomorrow and on Saturday. And then you can see me in Las Vegas at the Jimmy Kimmel comedy club during

NBA summer League, July 7th, 8th, and 9th. And then I'll also just be sort of bopping around Chicago not doing any shows right before that. But if you think you see me in Chicago, you did. Well, I can't wait to see you fellas on stage

tonight in Denver. It's going to be great. We're all going to be up there. You, me, Funch, Malcolm Funch. Dylan's flying out. I will. Yeah. It's going to be tight, man. David's getting back from Bolivia today, so he'll probably be hanging out.

Producer Isaac's going to be there, dude. Just quietly, but he'll be there. Yeah, in the cut. After he gets off his call. That's right, yeah. He'll be finishing up his call right as he walks on stage. But enough about that. We are here for one reason and one reason only,

and that reason is to all fantasy everything fantasy draft things we wish we were famous for. Now, the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. And we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper,

scissors, shoot. Oh, three scissors. We got to go again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, three different ones. We got to go again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Blair wins.

A natural win. Blair smashed. Blair smashed. I haven't wanted to say that. It was funny. Rock on two scissors. I gotta say, I gotta say, boys, did not anticipate winning one of those games.

Never won in rock, paper, scissors before in my life. The group timing synergy of it all gives me so much worry and anxiety. You fucking knocked it out of the park, though. You overcame it. If anything, you took that nervous energy and you translated it into a dominant victory in rock, paper, scissors. That's what ayahuasca does.

She's fully in touch. She knows that love is the answer to every question and and the rock of love in this case i usually try not to bring up ayahuasca because it feels too on the nose like if you look at me you already know i've done it so i usually try to keep it under wraps the hunter s thompson sunglasses during the podcast do say I've done ayahuasca. If you took those off, I wouldn't think ayahuasca. But those, you know. As the winner, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft.

But before you do that, Blair, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. What is that? I hear you. That's a great question. It's like if you're riding a beach cruiser. You just go side to side, but you'd spend more time on either side. So you kind of go down the right side a little bit, then go over to the left, go down the left side a little bit, go to the right a little bit, go down the right side a little bit, and then just go back over. It's kind of... Uh-oh. I think I should have paid more attention in math class.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on. That's all that ayahuasca. Well, basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. It's a serpentine draft like that, snake style. Now, with that in mind, Blair, what will the order of today's draft be? Ian, can I just cut the shit

and ask you what the best position for me to pick is? Well, it depends. It's tough, man. I kind of think on this one, you like,

can I just cut the shit? Cause it's not, it's not, it's not as competitive. I'll just cut the shit and get serious. So I kind of think you almost go, you almost go forth. You see the way the field plays out and then you're like,

all right, you get two back to back at the end of the first round, you almost go fourth. You see the way the field plays out and then you're like, alright, you get two back to back at the end of the first round. You know? Because if you go first it's not like we're drafting something with their scarcity here. I have a tough time going first with stuff like this because I don't want to sound like a lunatic. Make Sean go first.

I think I want to go first and sound like a lunatic. There it is. There it is. I think I'm gonna I think I'm to go first and sound like a lunatic. There it is. There it is. I think I'm going to bet against myself. I'm going to murder it. Players first. Okay. Okay, here we go, boys. Who else?

Wait, do I go? No, what's the order? No, you got to determine the order. Oh, my God. Are you serious? I wish I lost the rock, paper, scissors. I don't want to. We're family here. You're putting a lot of hair on yourself. You're first. Oh, my God. Are you serious? I wish I lost the rock, paper, scissors. I don't want to. We're family here.

You're putting a lot of hate on yourself. You're all right. It's pretty low stakes. Oh, my. No, I can't. You two, please. No, I abdicate the throne. No, you can't do it, Blair.

You can't do it, Blair. You have to choose the order. This is a tough love for the family moment. You have to do it. Oh, God. I'd be so much further along if i knew how to assert myself um okay i don't know i'm sorry i i guess i'm gonna go um dylan because because um i'm gonna go dylan because he's a guest. That feels right. In the brotherhood. And then... No, sisterhood.

In the sisterhood. I always refer to myself as a man. I'm not sure why. And... Ian Sean. Ian Sean. Hot corner. I'm in the hot corner.

There it is. The order today, Blair, Dylan, Ian, Sean. Ian Sean. Hot corner. I'm in the hot corner. There it is. There it is. The order today, Blair, Dylan, Ian, Sean, over five rounds, we will be fantasy drafting things we wish we were famous for. Each of us making five picks and we will get to that first pick

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And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed. This is it. This is the only podcast we are drafting. Things you wish you were famous for. Blair Saki has the first pick. blair what is that first pick okay all right uh brothers i would like to be famous for being the first five six white woman to reverse 360 dunk i think that would be a really fun thing to do i would also like to break the backboard like shaquille o'neal and then that was my first i would like to roar like the lion at the beginning of an MGM movie. And then all the players. This is all part of it.

This is all part of it. No, this is all part of it. Don't try. Don't try. Don't try to get in the middle. I like to roar like, like a lion after like at the beginning of an MGM movie. And then all the players I would dunk on would just walk away silently

chewing on their mouth guards and the front of their jerseys and I would be the most powerful little guy out there. Zeus, a Greek god, would bow down to me after my reverse 360 dunk. So all I had was shatter the backboard.

My first pick was shatter the backboard. And that's why you couldn't go first, bro. You lit it on fire right there. That was fantastic. It was perfect. Painted a whole scene. I can see it in my head. That was amazing.

Oh, dude. There's nothing that could be better than that. Is this in an NBA game? Is this a WNBA game? Is this on the playground? What are we talking here? I always want to lift up my sisters in the WNBA, but I'm going to have to go with the NBA.

Sorry. What team do you see yourself on when this happens? Well, you know, I grew up in a Laker family. The Lakers have been different the last several years. have been different the last several years. But I guess I'd have to go Lakers. Yeah. Yeah, the Lakers.

And who are you dunking? Is it a Celtics? Is it a natural rivalry? Are you dunking on the Clippers? What's going on here? Oh, yeah. I'm definitely dunking on a green ass.

For sure. For sure. You know, I was real in my youth during those three peats during when Paul Pierce had to be wheeled off the court in a goddamn wheelchair when then he got up jumping, springing

up after. Do you know the story about the wheelchair? It's because he crapped his pants, right? Oh, I didn't know that. There's a rumor, and he has had to talk about it in the press. And he's not that guy. You're not a basketball fan, are you? I have no idea any words that were just said.

So Paul Pierce played for the Boston Celtics, and in the NBA Finals, like, fell over and then had to be wheelchaired off the court. And for somehow, I don't even remember how, and you can, if you want to know more, you can go look it up online.

A rumor got started that he shit his pants and that's why he had to be. And he didn't want to move. Cause it would like, he felt that it may spill or something. Right. He was wearing white shorts. Is that true guys? I don't think so.

Well, I mean, okay. He wasn't hurt. So, I mean, something not bad happened. But I think he was just trying to change up the energy because it was like wild inertia in that moment. That's a good point. That might have been it. Like, I don't think they had any timeouts left.

Because he came back as if literally nothing happened. And I was like, you pussy. Or you incredible actress, player, coach. I don't know. I like to think he crapped his pants a little bit. I think that's the fun one. I go with that. He's been cagey on the story. He's kind of changed his story on it a couple times.

He's been like, I actually did have to poop. And then other times he's been like, no, no, that wasn't it. I hurt my knee. But it was in like a very crucial moment of the finals. So it couldn't have been on a bigger stage. Can you imagine if you shit your pants in the NBA finals? A white pants? Oh, my God. A white pants. Oh my God.

That's the bummer part. Maybe it's, maybe he shit his pants. Cause you dunked on him so hard that reverse three 60. Yeah. That could be an unfortunate consequence of my reverse three 60 dunk. Right. When you roar,

he's like, Oh my God, I crapped my pants. Where are you you roared. Yeah, I don't know if it was the dunk or the ferocious roar that did it. Have any of you had to leave the stage to use the bathroom in the middle

of the set? I almost did. Really? I almost did once. I had to poop so bad I had the chills on stage. And you're only thinking about that. Exactly. With the grace of God, I sucked it back in. And I didn only thinking about that. Exactly. With the grace of God, I sucked it back in. And I didn't think about it further.

But I had chills. I had a shit so bad. And you were doing a long set. I was doing 30 minutes, yeah. Oh, no. It's awful when it happens in public. Sometimes when I'm at home and that situation arises, there's almost something cathartic about it where you're like, alright, I needed

that out of my body. Yeah. For whatever reason. But out in public, that's scary. Thank God for that single occupancy bathroom. Dude, I don't know what would have happened if I was in a stall bathroom. Like, it was an exorcism. It was like a karmic retribution I was experiencing for some ill-advised

thing I said about someone sometimes. I don't know. It was horrific. It was like Satan, satanic. I was walking home from an improv show. This was before I did stand-up. And I had eaten at this pita place that had given me food poisoning before. I don't know why I went there. And it had given me food poisoning again.

And it hit as I was walking across the Burnside Bridge in Portland. And I was like, oh, my God, I have to find a bathroom right now. And I somehow, through like a miracle of like perseverance, made it to this bar called the Jolly Roger. Oh, it's one of the worst bathrooms. Well, you fucking blew the punchline, dude. Oh, no, I didn't. Well, you just ruined my joke. All right, let's just shut it.

Everybody close your computer. I was building up to how gross the bathroom was. I'm not going to finish the story. You officiated my wedding. I'm sorry. I'm not going to do it. Sean, Dylan Blair, will you just pretend like you're not here for a second? It's going to feel weird if you don't finish the story, man.

Yeah. I just need to have a little family show. How did you make it all the way to the Jolly Roger? How about that? There's plenty of bathrooms from the bridge to the Jolly Roger. It's not even close to Burnside. There weren't any suitable bathrooms. I don't know. Stuff was either closed or this was

also 12, 15 years ago, maybe. I made it to the Jolly Roger and I walked in there. The bathroom, like Sean said, is the jolly roger where and like i walked in there the bathroom is the like sean said it's the grossest bathroom we've ever seen and the stall doesn't have a door on it no no there's no door on it no i'm so worried for you right now i'm so worried it's just a toilet with no door and there's like a urinal next to it and i was just like it has to happen here and there's no lock you can't lock

there's no anything so you just had to like go in and just like deal with it and if somebody walked in nobody walked in thank god but like if somebody walked in you just have to be like had to happen you've been at this place in your life and i'm at this place now and it just happened to be at the jolly roger so i'm sorry if any I know you're grossed out but you would need please just feel empathy find whatever empathy is inside of you oh my god the Carmel Guardian Angels were with you that day with me that night they were like or whoever walked by the bathroom could feel the energy of someone having like absolute food poisoning diarrhea it was terrible yeah i remember one time in high school i i was i had a horrible experience like that that was that i i had to rush to the bathroom and then i heard there is this guy who started

kicking open the doors of every stall. And he got to mine and he kicked it open and he saw me, but then he just kind of like walked away. And he was a freshman and I was a senior. I'm like, oh, how dare you make me feel powerless? You freshman. That's not a freshman move. What did this guy go on to do?

He either runs a Fortune 500 company or is a serial killer. think the second you don't get much more powerless than sitting on the stall when someone kicked the door open too that's a real like well i'm very vulnerable i was so vulnerable we didn't even have doors in our high school they took all the doors off the every guy's bathroom and every stall door they took all of them off because so many kids were doing bad stuff. So we didn't have... But what if you have to shit? That's inhumane. You had to do it in the open, pretty much. And that's why nobody did. You could go to the gym locker room. So you could go at gym. They had around the corner, like around the shower,

there still weren't doors, but people like people knew sometimes you could do that. But otherwise, every single bathroom in my middle school and high school, all the doors were gone and all the guys bathrooms. Pretty crazy. Girls had them. Yeah. Oh, thank God. That's kind of hot, though.

Yeah, it was. I mean, it was, you know, you couldn't do anything gnarly. That's for sure. It's kind of like the Stonewall bathrooms. Are they just wide open? Yeah. It's a free-flowing exchange. Basically, men aren't allowed to shit anywhere

unless it's like prison shitting. Yeah, you really had to go. If you had to do it, because I did a few times, you just had to go push. Just try to hurry. Just go, go, go, go, go. I guess there's a high premium on the furthest down stall probably.

And this is here you go. I'm going to make myself sound terrible. But sometimes people. Sometimes people would pee on the toilet paper. So you couldn't do anything. Can I say something? Men are not right. I have never understood that the bathroom chaotic person.

It's crazy. It's crazy to think about that. Like, why would you do that? It's all self-harm. It's all self-harm. It's cutting. The toilet paper. Yeah.

I never did that at school. I did do that at the public pool a couple of times. I'm being honest. I did when I was like a little kid, like eight, nine or something. Pete on the toilet paper. Never at school though.

You've come a long way, Sean. Yeah. Hurt people, hurt people. Players. First pick is to be the first five, six white lady to reverse 360

dunk, roaring like the MGM lion, backboard shattering, players walking away, silently chewing on their mouthguards. Dylan, it's time for your first pick. Oh my god, it's hard to follow that. But, I want to be the gay who is asked to write

the Angela Bassett did the thing, Viola Davis, my woman king, Blanchard Cade, you're a genius, you are all of us, hung child. I want to be the gay man who is asked to for an award show. It's like Cyndi Lauper wants to do a fun thing celebrating the young thing. Hopper wants to do a fun thing celebrating the young thing. And I'm like, okay, you're going to do a cartwheel. Point to the camera. Be like, the girlies are in the house. And I'm like, something like that.

I want to create that viral moment. I want to write the music. I want to choreograph it. I want to write the lyrics. That is what I want to be known for. The gay who writes that song. Like you're the guy in town. You're like the specialist where we're like, hey, Michelle Pfeiffer wants to salute

the young stars of today. Absolutely. And she wants to do like a fun little song and dance thing. Yeah. We got to get Dylan Adler. Exactly. 100%. Yeah.

Dylan, let's fucking go. All right. Yes. Absolutely. This feels obtainable for you actually this feels like it's this i can see this happening within the next couple of years i mean i truly i mean i've always i've loved award shows and i love i love um uh you know numbers i love when it's fun like that i love writing music so if i could if i could just get in there and write a song for one of these women to just do i would i would be i would really that there's nothing higher than that what is the like what is the specific like

there's an alchemy almost in these moments like well like what? What is it? Where does the woman doing it have to be in her career? Can you break it down? Ideally, it is a woman who is so established in her career, like an actress, like, I don't know, Meryl Streep in some world. She wants to

do something fun for the kids and get irrelevant. And so she's like, okay, for Pride Month, I want to do like a thing at the whatever award show where I'm honoring all the films. And so then like, I'm like, okay. So we book a rehearsal studio like Pearl Studios for a week. We, you know, do work with a choreographer and then I write the music and she, and, and, and then we plan it. And then it, and then, and then it happens. I think it'll be like, it's not Sigourney Weaver.

Who's like, uh. Jamie Lee Curtis. Was she just having a moment, right? She could do... I mean, Jamie Lee Curtis could do one for sure, right? Absolutely. I would love to do that with Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis at like a GLAAD gala.

Do it like... Yes, yes. She's like, Activia. Activia. I'm gonna... Digestiva. Yeah, like I could...

I'm already excited. Yeah. Digestiva. Yeah. Yeah, like I could, I'm already excited. Yeah. Digest them all. Yeah. Yeah. She, oh, what's her,

what's the woman's name who did the Angela Bassett? Ariana DuBose. Ariana DuBose. Yeah. She's come around on it, right? She's like not embarrassed.

She's like fully embraced. Yeah. Yeah. I think she's embraced it and it's so fun. I think the funniest thing about it was she was giving everything and the audience was giving nothing. So it was just kind of like, but.

It's tough. Yeah, very tough. And she actually wrote all those words. I didn't realize that. Oh, she did? She wrote it? She wrote it. She wrote it.

Oh, my God. That makes it even better. Yeah. Big revelation here big revelation and so someone had to write the music and the choreography and so she wrote all that and she like really wanted to do that she was excited to do that and i think it was just kind of so it was such a and i literally i'm a theater gay and i learned who the fuck ariana devos was through that so i think i don't know it can, it can help.

It can help careers. It's one of those, there's like a lesson where it's like you try to create these moments when you work in entertainment, especially like what we did in Late Night where you're like, you want to make something that travels, you want to make something that travels. Yeah.

And then somehow just these weird ephemeral forces come together and make something like the best worst best thing you've ever seen in your entire life yeah somehow you can't control it it's hard to replicate something like that yes yeah but you'll be famous for you know lassoing the whirlwind yeah many times i want i want to write that for one of those i want to write that song i want to write it for those girls that. I want to write that song. I want to write it for those girls. That's an excellent pick. That's going to happen.

In this situation, I would have benefited tremendously from going first because my picks pale in comparison to these first two. Were you going to take Being the Theater Gay, who was asked to write the... Top two things off my list. Gone. You're always doing that. You're stealing my jokes. I've been doing it for years. Ever since they took the doors off

our bathrooms, I tell you, I'm out here stealing stuff. We had some technical difficulties. You had some technical difficulties. We all had some technical... Altogether, as a family, we had some technical difficulties. We all had some technical, all together as a family, we had some technical difficulties. And I think it's because the world was quaking in anticipation

of Sean Jordan's first pick, and it was thrown off like magnetic rays. Wait, no, no, I'm fourth. Oh, wait, you are? Oh, it's my first pick. Yeah, geez, you scared the bejesus out of me. I will go third. The world was still quaking in anticipation of your first pick. I just happen to have the next one.

I feel like you're going to be a buffer. My shit's so basic. I feel like you're going to... Maybe not. Maybe I'm just not giving you enough credit. Go ahead. Go ahead. With my first pick, I would like to be famous for being a reformed art thief

who now helps catch other art thieves. There you go. Oh, wow. Oh, that's so fucking cool. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's really cool. Oh, my God. Like, I wear, like,

you know, like, immaculate wardrobe. I still have a lot of money. Like, obviously, there's some heists they didn't pin me for, you know? Like, and I got out of the game i just have

like endless reserves of money and i'm there's like a new yorker profile about me i'm the one when there's like when people break into like the berlin museum of modern art and steal a bunch of like munches or whatever i'm the one who they bring in to help track down the art thief oh my god you're like part two of inside man. It's a little inside Manny. It's a little Thomas crown affair. I'm definitely on big boats. I'm definitely on catamarans a lot.

I definitely have a lot of flowing shirts. You can see me in a cravat. If you time your life, right? Like it's that, that's the kind of thing I've got going. A lot of time in cafes with very small coffees. What made you stop stealing the art?

What changed? I realized that like I was stealing this art and then I was selling it to people where they would just put it in their houses and no one could ever see it. So I was like taking it from museums and then selling it to people. And one day when I was in the Guggenheim

about to steal, I was about to steal like a beautiful, uh, manet and I saw a child walk up to it. And I saw like the light in this child's eyes. Like I saw just like synapses forming, like an appreciation for this art tugging on like his, his dad's sleeve. And the dad walked over and kneeled down and put his arm around the kid and started pointing stuff out about the painting, the very painting that I was about to steal later that night. And I said, this has to stop. This has to stop now.

Wow. Wow. That was it for me. Wow. Such a roller coaster. Yeah. I spent the rest of my life just sort of trying to make sure that moment happens as often as possible. Oh, my God.

I'm stunned right now. Yeah. Do you, did you want to be an artist yourself? And was it like a, you know, jealousy maybe? When I was at, in this situation, when I was at, I went to Eaton. And then when I was in Oxford, I was definitely, even though I was American, I was definitely studying a lot of art history

and stuff like that. But I was also, I was, you could, I also played rugby. I was on the ropes course, you know, like a lot of that kind of stuff. And I was a scholarship kid. I didn't have the same money as everybody else. So I spent a lot of time around all these like

very rich, very privileged, like British upper crust society people, but I didn't have the same thing. And they had all these wonderful things. They would go to, you know, they would go to start to go skiing during winter break.

I would have to go back home and like work the entire time. And I started to covet these very nice things. And that led me into a life of like art, you know, thievery, but eventually I realized the error of my ways. Wow. That is majestic. covet these very nice things. And that led me into a life of like art, you know, thievery. But eventually I realized the error of my ways. Wow. That is majestic.

This is all in the profile. Yeah. Wow. That's beautiful. Oh, you guys are making me feel like I've never been on this show before. This is so ridiculous. This stuff that I'm about to say. Sean, you are valuable. You are smart, and you are kind. I did pretty well.

Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. I did pretty well on the freezer foods draft, which would have been last week in the time that this comes out. So I can beef it on one. Oh, my God. Freezer foods?

Oh, yeah. If you think I'm not listening to that one, you're out of your fucking mind. I think freezer foods was two weeks ago when this came out because it just dropped. It just dropped on Thursday. Freezer Oil Foods? Yeah, it's out. It's in the world, dude. Oh, it did. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, I did all right on that one.

You're also handsome. You're forthright. Oh, my gosh. Happily married with a child. Successful skateboarder. Beloved friend. Happily married with a child. Successful. You're a good driver. State border. Beloved friend. Your Comedy Central set was amazing.

Wow. Back at you, my friend. It was fun, man. It was fun. You've got a great handshake and a beautiful head of hair. Yeah, tall too. You're also tall. Tight ass.

Tight ass, dude. You could bounce a quarter off that thing. You know, I was getting fitted for a suit for my, and thank you, by the way, Dylan, this brings to mind this story. I was, I don't know, not saying if I do or do not, but I was getting fitted for my suit, and the tailor, he got to, like, right around my, right at the bottom

of my butt, and he goes, you do skateboard. I was like, wow. Wow. Thank you. That is so hot. Because we had been small talking a little bit. Oh my God. Holy buckets. Thanks, man. And then what happened?

And then I asked him, I was like, do you really call it dressing to the right or the left? And he goes, yeah, we do really call it that. I never believed that. When they say dress to the right or the left, like which way does your penis hang? When you, like if it hangs or whatever. And I asked him if that was true or just something people have made up over the years and he's like no it's true some people like you have to plan where it's gonna go if you're fitting a suit i've never heard of this in my life yeah i didn't know

you can learn the craziest things talking to men yeah he also told me xyz because my my fly was down i've never heard that. It means examine your zipper. Never knew that either. That's classic. He wanted to fuck that ass. Can I just say that's We had a rapport, me and this man. Man, it was a

good suit. Good cheap suit. I was excited. Yeah, you want your tailor to be gay I think. Yeah. You hope for it. I think so. At least a little. You want him to be gay, I think. Yeah. You hope for it. I think so. At least a little. You want her to be gay or very old and British. Or very old and from Hong Kong. Right.

Yes. I think those are the three. Sean Jordan, what is your first and then your second pick? Well, okay. So my... This is... Don't get stage fright, Sean. We just told you what it is. Come on, let it fly, brother.

My first pick was... Dress to the right, baby. XYZ. Just to say, my first pick was be the first person to shatter a backboard. I cannot take that now. No, it wasn't because that was Blair's pick, so no, it wasn't. So, I want to be famous for swimming from Los Angeles to Hawaii.

Whoa! That's good. That's good. That's good. I don't know how it works. I don't know if you can be in the water that long even. I don't know if I have to have a boat and anchor it. And then I sleep on the boat. And then I get back in the water where it anchored.

And then I swim for a whole nother day. But I want to be... Sean Amelia Earhart when people do that kind of thing like somebody swam from New York to England it was some incredible length maybe that's not what it was but they do

they sleep on a boat that anchors where they get done that day and they sleep on that and the boat kind of follows them. There's this weird like net, at least from what I saw, there's like a net that's built out from the boat that they swim within. And the boat like kind of like chugs along beside it.

So it's not absolutely like breathtakingly terrifying in my mind. Yeah. I'm like, I'm a little more open water than that. Like the boat is away from me. But yeah, I don't know. It'd just be, how sick would that be? Luna bars, kind of bars.

What do you, what do you, how are you preparing? I imagine. Yeah. Luna bars, kind bars, cliff bars. Yes. That's gotta be the worst part of the whole thing. A bar? A bar? A bar?

Not a good food. No way. No, thanks. Rather wither away than eat that brick of shit. You kidding me? I love bars. I love bars. I got to be the dissenting voice in this.

I don't know why. I'm right in the middle. I like a Clif Bar, but they're not as good for you as people think. A Clif Bar specifically. There's so much sugar, right? So it's not actually that great for you. So now when I figured that out, it's like, ah, whatever. I'll just have all my Skittles.

Blair is skeptical. I'm waiting for everyone to just drop into the truth right now. I don't mind a bar on an airplane. You know, bar, when it's essential, I will absolutely eat a bar. But it does taste so factory. It tastes so factory. And if I could, you know, I actually don't mind organe muscle, that protein powder, that stuff I like. Right.

But a bar, it really depends. It has to be one of those X bars where it's like, this is just two eggs and two dates. That's the one I do. I like that. I like that one. That's it. I like those ones. That's it.

They're like nine peanuts, three dates, no big deal. The big dog is That's it. They're like nine peanuts, three dates. No big deal. That's what's in here. The big dog is not having it. No, I just think this whole conversation is sad. And I just wish better for all of you. And I think one day I hope you all reach the point where you furtively decide to stop robbing yourselves of joy and real food. And I look forward to when that day comes. It's an airplane specific thing for me. It's specifically I eat it on an airplane

when there's not a better option. So you mean emergency life or death situation? Emergency life or death situations. It's easy to have, like it's easy just to have in a bag, but you could throw like four of them in a backpack. This will happen where like if I'm, you're in some city

and there's just nothing open at two or whatever and you really want something, have a few bars in your bag. And it's always a, it's a decent little go-to that's pretty much my version. You know what the big dog does? You won't catch me without a five to seven grass fed meat sticks in my backpack.

No, I roll deep. You won't catch me in that situation. You won't catch me off guard. I love those, but I had to start watching my sodium, and those things go heavy in the salt. Is that true, Ian? Oh, yeah, they do.

It's true that I had to start watching my sodium. I don't think it's true that you do. For me, maybe that's why I have high cholesterol. That wouldn't be the sodium. That would be the cholesterol in there. But if your blood pressure is good, you're good're good oh yeah my my blood pressure's tight as hell yeah you're all right then uh yes swimming that when i went in uh my doctor he the last time i got like a full-on checkup he did everything and then i think it was cholesterol he leaned in he

goes i'm not thrilled about your cholesterol he goes everything else is fine he said it just like that and I go okay so you have a gay doctor too same my doctor told me to go on a diet for three months and come back and I said you wish bitch I said you wish bitch

swimming to Hawaii and then second pick I'd like to be the only I said you wish, bitch. No chance. Swimming to Hawaii. And then second pick. I'd like to be the only. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I'm looking into like, according to chat GPT, it would take several weeks. The distance between California and Hawaii is roughly 2400 miles.

So for physically possible to swim non-stop, it would take an Olympic level endurance swimmer several weeks. Non-stop? No sleeping? Non-stop. And it's saying this is not a safer, realistic endeavor. Ocean currents, weather conditions, sharks, other marine life make it extremely dangerous. More like sharts from all those bars. Listen, I don't care what

a robot has to say. You know where you don't need doors to shit? No, sir'm sorry. The ocean. God's giant bathroom. Yeah. No, I'd be. I would be in the water the whole time.

I would be. My skin would be gone by the time I got to Hawaii. You would be. I say Hawaii. Hawaii. That kind of guy. Yeah. You're a local.

Yeah. Yeah. Not some Howley. The second pick is I would like to be the only NFL receiver who never dropped a pass. Oh, your nickname. Mr. Perfect.

Dude, Mr. Mr. Perfect. Well, I can't have the same nickname in this that I do in general. So I think since this is like a fictional situation, you have to be like,

yeah, sticky hands or something. What if they, I mean, rule so i think since this is like a fictional situation you have to be like yeah i don't know sticky hands or something what if they i mean you can accomplish this by catching one pass and retiring i might do that i mean if it i wonder how many i wonder how many you'd have to catch in a row from rookie like your first pass moving forward how many you'd have to catch in a row before you did entertain that as being like should should I, should I just stop playing? Like if you caught out 70 passes in a row from, you know, first two seasons, you never dropped a pass. It would enter your mind. Like if I had stopped right now, I technically would be, I would have that record. Are you in this situation, like an amazing receiver or, or is this just kind of like a quirk where it's like, you know, he's like, you're like, you're like the third best receiver on your team.

And then one day like a stat guy is just like, you know, it's crazy. He only catches like two a game, but he's never dropped one. It's like, it's just the one thing that I, it's like the Goodwill hunting where it's like, I just, I got this. This is the thing I have. I don't really look any different than I do right now.'m not in phenomenal shape but when i can get open but you do skateboard i do skate we'll talk about it later and you have a well tailored suit yeah yeah but like when when the coverage trips or something and i just so happen to get open i catch the ball every time every single time I catch the ball.

It's just something I can do. Have you ever caught a ball that like a really good quarterback is thrown? Never. I've always wanted to. There's that story about Brett Favre. He was playing catch with a reporter. I think it's Brett Favre. And they go, hey, Brett, put something on it. And then he broke his finger. Is that Brett Favre? Yeah. It comes in crisp. I would love to just try to take one of the numbers. One of the many reasons it would have been nice for Comedy Central to pick up a comedic sports show, but we could have had like actual quarterbacks, you know, like all the people that are like, I could catch a pass from Tom Brady if he gave, if you put something on it, you're like, no, you couldn't.

It would hurt. It would hurt your hands. Yeah. It's like when you shoot a gun and then you fall back. Yes. On the ground. But it just does. It looks easy because everybody else is. It's like anything. When everybody is professional at it, the whole thing's going to look a little easier than it would be if there's one professional and like 21 people that are normal at it.

Yeah. Can I tell you guys something true and sad? Yes. Please. I just want to open up to you guys right now in this moment, if I could. Please. I love it.

In 2009. I don't know if you're laughing or not. I don't want it to be hella serious, and then I'm dying laughing. Go ahead. This is 100% true. I wrote a blog post on my blog. I used to have a blog

about... Yeah, oh, devastating. Devastating deal. It gets much worse. I wrote a blog post about how much I admired how much Brett Favre loved his wife.

I'm throwing up. I'm throwing up. And then like four months later. I was going to say, when did everything go down? Like right then. The sex scandal comes out. I was going to say, when did everything go down? Like right there. The sex scandal comes out.

And I was like, oh, people aren't as they seem all the time. My whole worldview was shattered. Dylan, Brett Favre then sent text pictures of his penis to a reporter. Yeah. To a woman reporter. Like outside of the sacred confines of marriage. Blair, did you write a follow-up blog post? There was no follow-up blog post.

Do you still have access to it? No. So then don't text it to me later. so then don't text it to me later no I don't think I do but honestly it would be too sad for me to look at honestly like I don't wanna I don't wanna remember that that happened really well he's fallen so far since then

too yeah stealing welfare to build a volleyball gym a volleyball gym a volleyball gym I thought you said a bowling ball gym I was like you mean a bowling ball gym a ball i thought you said a bowling ball gym i was like you mean a bowling no one would have faulted him for building a bowling ball gym yeah well i still couldn't take i still couldn't take a pass from old mr picture with uh with all the mustard he puts on it no matter what he does

brett farve could be 90 and i probably still couldn't take a pass from him. No, not in this scenario. You can. You can take and easily catch the ball from Mr. Faco Marriage Welfare Volleyball Guy. And you can do it every time. That sounds like his wife's unfunny cousin got a hold of it. He's like, whatever Mr Mr. Faco Marriage. I was trying to get her back.

And he's like, Mr. Faco Marriage isn't coming over. I'll break his goddamn nose. Excellent pick. Dylan, it is time for your second pick. Oh, these are great. These are awesome. I needed to hear it. Okay, this is a really embarrassing, These are great. These are awesome. I needed to hear it.

Okay, this is really embarrassing, but I genuinely really want this to happen. I want to be at a gay club, and everyone is dancing. The music is flowing. I don't know. I think a song like Hips Don't Lie is playing right now. Oh, yeah. Someone.

Exactly. And I'm on the stage, know like i think a song like hips don't lie is playing right now oh yeah someone exactly and i'm on the stage and i'm dancing and i'm dancing so slutty and so good someone takes a photo a video of me dancing slutty and good and they're like oh my god this is such good slutty good dancing they post the video and it goes viral such good slutty good dancing in the gay community and it's like oh my god this guy is so good and slutty and a good dancer and like it's and like it's kind of like i get recognized for that video a little bit and like in within the gay community even outside the gay community but i'm just like known as a really good slutty dancer and like people kind of want to fuck me from that too and that's something i genuinely that's what i want to be kind of famous for yes oh my god

that's an incredible pick that's the perfect kind of famous to be it's never gonna ruin your life yeah you're getting i bet you get like some free iced coffees out of it. You know what I mean? You definitely get some hookups out of it. Like, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Are you a good dancer? I don't think I'm an amazing dancer, but I love to move and I love music and I love to dance kind of slutty sometimes. And I just kind of want to, I want to be known as like, And I just kind of want to, I want to be known as like, oh my God, wow, that dancing. I know in my heart, you're a good dancer. Like, I already know that. Of course, I can tell.

I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good. I knew it. We all knew that. Yeah, I'm pretty good. You answered that question like a good dancer. I'm okay, but I do let the music infuse with my DNA. I do let those alleles just match.

My consciousness is removed from the entire equation. It's just sort of a sacred bond between me and the beat. Yeah. Are you a good dancer? I mean, I wouldn't know. I'm really never there mentally. I just kind of get taken over by whatever's playing and exist in that field. But yeah, I've been told.

The Emmys just roll in and I just turn my brain off and the choreography just takes over. Wow. Does this ever happen? Are there like little, are there people who like become like micro famous where you're like, where like a video will go around and then you'll see them like at a club and you're like, Oh my God,

you're that person who was like in that tech talk or whatever. For that. That's for porn for me like where i see gay porn stars on twitter and stuff and i see them in real life and i'm like oh my god but i don't want that i don't want porn i want it to be oh he's a good slutty dancer you want to your one step people are imagining the sex but they haven't seen it that's what's going on that's exactly yeah yes yes the porn happens in their head after they see you dancing all good and fine. Yes, exactly.

This makes sense to me. There's a woman on Instagram that I started following right around the beginning of COVID. Her name is Elizabeth Warren, and we respect her. And I was like, this is what I need to be doing. I need to wake up. Get my priorities straight.

This woman, her name's Sophia something, but she does like, she'll break down a dance move and do it real slow. And it's like the jump, like toe dance, whatever. Like, I don't know how to do it, but she does it. And I was like, I could learn. I could do that. Look at how slow she's doing it. And then she'll clap and she does this. And then the beat kicks in and she does it real fast. And I tried five or six different times. I was like, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do. And it just, I didn't,

it didn't work, but that's, that's like a viral little kind of dance where I was like, Oh, this is fun to watch. Dancing and choreography is, is what I, I,

in my experience is one of the most like underrated skill, like it for how difficult it actually is. is yeah i remember we were on i'm forgiving if i've told the story before but when i was on that show game on me and rob gronkowski the professional athlete had to work with this la lakers girl like their dance team's choreographer to try to teach us this dance and like the two of us were in there for like four hours learning all the steps in this dance we still barely got it it was like incredibly difficult we just didn't like it was just like my brain didn't accept that kind of information and neither did his and he was used to like remembering really complex things and then james corden showed up who's like a you know like not what you think

of as a professional dancer but like it's been on broadway definitely trained been in musicals all that stuff and like showed up and like got all the moves in eight minutes yeah like and like did it and then nailed it and was like okay you do this this this okay i understand that and like just like nailed it like immediately i was like oh shit this is actually like a really really it should be valued and it's like very actually difficult to do like that kind of stuff it's hard dude i wish people felt that way about stand-up but they don't everybody thinks they can do it on the whole planet but it is that same thing where you're like man i'm i'll never lie to myself and say i'm good at something if i'm not and i am horrible at dancing. I like to do it. It's fun sometimes, but boy, am I bad at it. You're good in that you do it, though.

You know what I mean? A lot of people just don't do it. And you got some moves, man. I think you can't be bad at it as long as you're not self-conscious. That's what makes you a bad dancer, because people can feel your self-consciousness. Sean, you have potential with that ass too. You can do a lot.

Six years I've been trying to get a whole podcast going about my butt. Here we go. Next suit fitting you get, the guy's going to be like, you're a dancer, aren't you? You are a dancer. He'll ask, what do you dress to the right or left i'll be like both dude middle out i dress out i actually once mixed up my grub hub delivery guy with my tinder match

and i texted him damn you're a really good dancer and he was like wrong number i was like, wrong number. I was like, oh shit. Sorry. Maybe that put the wind in his sails. Maybe that's what he needed. He went out that night and met his wife. I hope so. That's how it goes. Uh, Blair,

it's time for your second or your third picks. Okay. Oh, wait, is that right? Yeah. That way. Is that? Yeah.

Wait, no idea. Oh, did I skip my pick? You skipped yourself. I skipped my second pick. Let's hear it. I'm sorry about that.

And then we'll get to Blair. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. I want to be the third youngest person to EGOT. Woo! Woo! Yeah. Woo!

I don't. There's a lot of pressure on being the youngest, I feel like. there's a lot of pressure on being the youngest. I feel like the young, the youngest person that you got right now is the, is Robert, uh, Lopez. Who's like a,

uh, he's a, he's a songwriter. So he did like, he did, uh, what has he done? Frozen book of Mormon Avenue.

All that stuff currently. And then John legend is the next youngest. Now I'm currently younger than both of those people, but I would only have a few months to catch Robert Lopez. Rita Moreno is the third youngest, and she was 45 when she did it. And I think there's something like, it's fun to have people drop like a little factoid.

You know, Ian Carmel's the third youngest person to win an EGOT? Absolutely. Wow. What are you EGOTing for? I've got the Emmy already. Well, no, but I mean, what are you? Oh, so that's for writing.

So, okay. Continue, sir. That's for writing. The Oscar is also for writing. Okay. I got to be realistic about that. That's for best adapted screenplay. Best adapted screenplay.

When I take NBA 2K23. There we go. How are you adapting? I turn it into a searing, but funny, but searing family drama about a NBA rookie navigating the highs and lows of that lifestyle. Oh, that fucking hits. Yeah, they hit. style. Oh, that fucking hits. Yeah, they hit.

The Grammy is for folk. When I record an album with Steve Martin and his band, I go and I just kind of do the vocals. It turns out that I do have sort of an amazing folk singing voice. I kind of talk sing my way through it. You can sing. Ian, you have a very

good voice. You project very well. Thank you very much. And I return the compliment. But it turns out that it's actually perfectly suited for folk. I have a strep throat incident in my early 40s that actually produces this amazing gravel.

So anyway, I get the folk Grammy for that. And then the Tony Award is just straight up. Bye bye birdie. I'm back. I'm in it. It's just, it's just best lead actor. Nobody saw it coming, but I fucking, I, I, I knock it out of the park and that's, and that's where I'm going from here on out.

Are they all roughly the same size? I've only seen an Emmy in person. Tony is kind of like humble, isn't it? It is kind of humble. It's light. It's not that heavy. It's kind of small. And it spins, right? Isn't it like the little thing in the middle? Yeah, it spins.

It's the thing that spins. Someone, a friend of a friend won one for orchestration and they were passing it around. Amazing. The Emmy is fucking heavy and sharp and dangerous it's cumbersome it's a big it's a big one the oscar is heavy too it's got some weight to it the grammy isn't the grammy is like just a block right it's the it's the it's the gramophone the gramophone yeah but it's like it doesn't at the end of it's like just a big cube right i mean like a little gramophone on it i But it's like, it doesn't, at the end of it, it's like just a big cube, right?

I mean, like the gramophone would be. A cube with like a little gramophone on it. I want the Tony to be obviously for Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. I was going to say, what the fuck? Yeah, I don't know what I was talking about. You've been screaming about that for years. It's insane. It's insane to me.

But I want to be the third youngest person. Rita Moreno is, I don't think she's going to mind being the fourth youngest. She, you know what I mean? Rita Moreno, her Hall of Fame plaque is already carved. She's locked. She's in there. But I think it would be, it'd be a fun little factoid. Anyway, that was my second pick that I forgot to do.

Blair, time for your second and third picks. I look forward to it, Ian. Thank you. Yeah, I'll be front row in the cheering section. You can count on that. All right. All right. All right. Here we go, boys.

Let's get serious. Let's do it. I want to be famous for biting a bull shark and winning. I think I would probably be better than anything I can think of. Just a bull shark unsuspectingly meeting its maker one day. I thought I was just going to be a light appetizer. And I turned out to be this motherfucker's worst nightmare. This guy thought that he was going to get a half off happy hour bite.

And I turned out to be the bigger bull shark. The Blair shark, bitch. Try me. I'm out there on an eight foot board on a glassy day. Just minding my own fucking business. Looking for a sick laugh and you thought I was unprepared. Psych, bitch!

It's the Blair Sharks. Dude, little Orange County came out there. I don't see it a lot out there on a glassy day. Oh my God, that was great. Bull Sharks are fucking nasty. Those are the nasty ones, right? Oh, those are the big boys, Ian. Yeah. Those are the big heifer kahunas.

They go after people. They're like, I didn't think you were a seal. I knew you were a person. I'm coming for you anyway. That's that shark, right? Yeah. To me, in my head, in my brain, it's the shark from Finding finding nemo the big boy yeah and i just love the idea of it thinking you know that i ain't shit and then i come off as a surprise we got a little snack on

our hands uh you do but you're the snack bro but the bull shark's my snack yeah when you look up bull shark there's a fox news headline, Florida spear fisherman survives bull shark attack. Quote, quote, he wanted me. Bull shark survives running with the Blair shark. With the Blair shark. One month ago, 13-year-old girl punches bull shark in Florida to escape attack. Yeah. Have you seen a shark when you've been out in the water

before i not when i'm not surfing no thank god um but i've seen one before you know where you know what's kind of creepy is um i've gone to again not to be too on the nose but i've gone to catalina island ever heard of it yes Yes. Every summer since I was born. And they have a lot of great white sharks there. Really? Yeah. And you've seen one? You've seen like a fin?

No, I haven't seen one. I have never seen a great white like that I know of. I've seen a lot of like smaller ones that I don't know what type of sharks they are. I've seen some little guys. I've definitely seen some little guys when I was scuba diving and snorkeling and stuff. Where do you surf? Not currently, no. Not in my

adulthood. I did as a child. I was raised a little surfer dude, but now in my old age I'm very weak and I really only go once a year on a perfectly

hot day after two Coors Lights and my whole family screaming at me that I'm a pussy can you still get up? yeah but like barely I mean literally literally barely. I need a fucking tow truck.

I love surfing. You can surf? Yeah. You surf still? Yeah, I surf. I love surfing. My uncle in Ventura County taught me. Oh, there's so many sexies up in Ventura County.

There are. There are. Have you seen a shark surfing, Dylan? No, but I've seen many seals. I've seen dead seals wash up on the shore. Probably from shark attacks. Locals only, bro. Is that why you just cut them

with your board? Exactly. I remember I was surfing with my brother once in Waikiki, and there's this guy who passed us who was like, hey, you know, if you don't know what you're doing, you gotta go home. And then, like, my brother and I were like, 10 seconds later, speak for yourself. So he got his ass. Shark attack.

Perfect amount of time to pass before a comeback. Exactly. Excellent pick. Fighting a bull shark and winning. Blair, end your third pick. Okay. End my third pick. I would also like to be famous for being the chef that is Stanley

Tucci's favorite cookies ever made. can you imagine I think that's better than even winning a fight with a bull shark Stanley would invite me over all the time we would eat so many gluten anchored dishes and drink so much Barolo and drive happily along coast in vintage

Porsches and convertible Jaguars from the 60s and I would wear a silk scarf on my fucking head with tiny sunglasses and a smile so big and I would wear a silk scarf on my fucking head with tiny sunglasses and a smile so big and I would be always a little drunk and always extremely full and sillily smiling.

That is the perfect pick. Wow. It is. That is incredible. Always be a little drunk and extremely full. Yeah. You were in one episode of Stanley Tucci Eats in Italy where it's like, but you were like traveling with him. It's like Stanley and Blair in Tuscany. And he's so kind of mystified by my culinary skills that he's a little nervous around me.

Yeah. Because I'm his favorite chef that he was always dying to meet. And I sort of have this skill set that he just can't even fathom or find anywhere else on the whole planet. What's the dish you make that, like, for him, it's like you have to try Blair's this? God, you know know that's a tough one because i want to say some sort of rare obscure pasta but i think the real skill lies in doing something generic and being the best at it like the best the single-handed best lasagna in the world or something like that.

Yeah. You know? It's amazing. You can do the whatever, whatever, putinescas. You can do the complex risottos, but this is just down home. It's eight ingredients,

and that's what's crazy. There's eight total ingredients in this. Right on Main Street lasagna, and you are the best in the world. Yeah, head and shoulders above anyone else on our good planet. Just two 5'6 legends. Stanley Tucci

and Blair Saki. Amazing pick. Dylan, time for your third pick. I want a video of me to I am about to get hate crimed on the street and they're gonna like they're gonna try to fight me

and I knock them out in the middle of the road and I cook them out and then everyone starts to cheer and like I get interviewed on Ellen, like, oh, he was crazy. I was like, he was, like, gay. And I'm like, and then I just knocked him out. And he was, whoa.

You know? Yeah. I think that would be really cathartic for other people and yeah I just want to have a video of me knocking someone out and then I'm like oh my god it was wow I can't believe that happened but here I am

I was forced to do this thing but it happened I ended up on top exactly exactly a little just Jesse Smollett kind of moment for me. I don't start fights, Ellen, but I will end one. Exactly. That vibe.

You're holding a T. You have a T. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to see my bad side. Is it a punch? Are you punching them or is it maybe a more complex maneuver? How are you taking this person out?

I want there to be a couple punches. Like a couple punches in the face, in the chest. He tries to swing back. He's a little drunk, I think. And then roundhouse kick in the neck. He's knocked out. I fucking love that. Sean, you're a taekwondo master.

Second degree black belt, my friend. Oh, fuck. Non-practicing, but at one point in my life, yes. You were the taekwondo to Blair surfing. Yes. Do you think, was there ever a point where you were like, I could probably knock someone out with a roundhouse? Did you have that in the bag, do you think?

Yeah. I mean, I obliterated a kid's nose one time. I'm not bragging about it but we were in a tournament and i just didn't mean to but i was cornered and i just popped it yeah there was definitely a time when i could have done that was there ever a scenario like in a street fight where you like i mean not that you were i mean i know you got into some scrapes but were you ever like i gotta go to my bag here my mom tells me this story i don't i don't remember this she says when I was like seven,

these kids circled me, these neighborhood bullies or whatever. And there were like five of them. I wish I remembered because it's pretty dope. But there were like five of them. And then one of them came at me and I kicked him in the chest or something like a sidekick. And then everybody was like, whoa. And then it happened according to my mom. So that's pretty dank. I don't remember it at all. But but yeah that was like the one time cause shit doesn't it doesn't work in a real fight if you've been in a real fight people go crazy and you're like

holding each other and flailing and crying it's not like a movie so never works normally but when you're a kid it's a little more organized I guess it works when Dylan's getting attacked it does work for me. I'm sorry. Speak for yourself, bitch.

It works for me. Sean, that's your truth. Yeah, I could use some pointers from Dylan. It doesn't work for me. Yes, yes, you could. Dylan's a third-degree black belt in life, bro. So that kind of puts you second-degree to Shane. The most important black belt there is, man.

That's fantastic. I feel like you got to drop a quip on him at the end of the video too. Yeah, it's like, I'll have what you're having. I don't know. Right, it doesn't quite work, but it's so wrong in the moment that people start yelling that now at fights. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a bunch of world star videos where so like people are yelling, like I'll have what you're having. Like at the end, it just catches on. Or like you'll be charged $5 for canceling your lift. You just walk away. Yeah. Or don't mess with the tight pussy bitch.

Yeah. I like that. Don't mess with the tight pussy bitch. Yeah. I like that. Don't mess with the tight pussy bitch. That's really cool. I would love to say that one day. I would just like that to be something the kids start doing. That's genius, Dylan. Look at what the kids are saying.

They're walking up to random people and saying things. Yeah. I feel like the kids always start doing violent stuff like that bricking thing where they just walk up to strangers and deck them in the back of the head. I want it to be something like that where they just walk up and hop in front of someone and say that and then just dip.

That's so scary. I don't like groups of teens. No. Well, now with the internet too, they're like, oh, every generation or whatever, kids think they need to do crazier shit than teens no there's no scary well now with the internet too they're like oh that you know every generation or whatever kids think they need to do crazier shit than their parents did when they were that age i don't know it's just you don't they don't need to take it any farther you start going backwards calm down do funny shit yeah unless it's the cast of newsies i a group of teens can't do

anything for me yeah well maybe they're disgruntled because they have to shit with no door. I can't imagine what that would have led me to, a life of crime. For sure. I'd be punching people in the back of the head. It led me to cutting class a lot. That was like the first few times I ever skipped. It was like, oh, I'm just going to go handle this

and then why go back to school? Well, you were forced to do that. That wasn't even... It was their fault. They didn't want me to to graduate college they sent me down the path early when they took off that first door it's not my fault i couldn't do anything about it well regarding you graduating college you know who did want it god dude god dude ian sent me an audio text to that the other day friendship god dude uh except, dude. It's time for my third pick. And with my third pick, I'm going to take

I'm famous for inventing a popular Dairy Queen dessert. Ooh. You invented the blizzard? That's a great one. It's not the blizzard. It's not the dilly bar. It's a new thing. Oh. That's great. It's a new thing.

And maybe there's some inspiring story you know dq stock plummeted and then you got in there you were like i was i was working i i had a summer job at dairy queen you know like during high school in this scenario and i had the first idea to take an ice cream bar i don't know if this is it i'm just going off the top right now i didn't think about this but i take an ice cream just ice cream not chocolate covered yet it's ice cream bar. I don't know if this is it. I'm just going off the top right now. I didn't think about this, but I take an ice cream, just ice cream, not chocolate covered yet. It's ice cream. It's on a stick. I roll one half in peanuts.

Okay. I roll the other half in. Let me see if I can land this plane. I roll the other half in hot caramel. Okay. And then we take that. We dunk that into chocolate and we,

you know, the hard, the magic shell, we let that form and then we dunk half of it into that cherry. Sure.

I might've gotten over my skis on the cherry. I might not have. Oh, you're fine. So it's like an ice cream corn dog? It's like an ice cream corn dog. Yeah. A little bit.

It's a caramel. I'm in the same room with a genius scientist right now. Yeah. And that's, and that's, and like, fucking, it just catches on huge.

All of a sudden I'm a Dairy Queen corporate. They're moving me up the ladder. I'm walking down a hallway and like this is, and then, you know, 10, 15 years down the line, the new Dairy Queen recruits are there at corporate. And they're like, who's that guy? And they're like, is, and then, you know, 10, 15 years down the line, the new dairy queen recruits are there corporate.

And they're like, who's that guy? And they're like, Oh, that's Ian Carmel. And they're like, you mean they're like, yeah,

the guy who invented the Carmel caramel. And then the door closes and then the door closes. I'm in the lab. I'm in the lab working on other stuff. That's just the beginning. That's just the beginning for me. I'm in there like doing all sorts of other, the dessert hot dog too. That's a whole thing. I can't even beginning for me. I'm in there like doing all sorts of other, the dessert hot dog too.

That's a whole thing I can't even really talk about yet. Honestly, on this podcast, Dairy Queen has, if you are getting a hot eat, the hot eat to get is their chili dog. If you could make like a dessert version of a chili dog, I don't know how that's happening.

I'm not the one doing this. If I may politely disagree with you on the hot eat category, you think it's chicken strips? A Dairy Queen chicken strips. You get a chicken strip anywhere. Their chicken strip isn't great. The gravy is good. The chili dog is good all by itself.

You don't need- Don't talk to me like I was born yesterday. Sounds like you were born earlier today. I'm not over your invention. You know, it's not every day that you're in a room where you just feel like you got better. You were made better by the people around you. Elevated. Elevated by the imagination, the ingenuity.

If I could be so fucking bold. It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. It's a gift. I feel grateful right now. I wish I could take credit for it, but honestly, I just kind of blacked out and the dessert spoke through me. I was a vessel.

With the DNA and just... Like Dylan's dancing, I was not involved in whatever just happened there. That was incredible. Yeah. That was genius. I kind of want... It's there. That was incredible. Yeah. That was genius. I kind of want... It's good.

Cherry caramel chocolate. Yeah. The cherry might be a step too far, or maybe that's what's great about it. Maybe the fact that it is audacious is what we need right now. No, it's hit the scales. Yeah. Make the stick edible, so I don't have to eat around the stick. So I can just like, it's a...

That's an idea. I want to eat the whole stick. That's a big idea. That's the kind of idea. That's the kind of idea that might get you in trouble down at Dairy Queen corporate though. I'll tell you that. Let's start our own company, man. Queen Dairy. Okay. We break off. Yeah. Yeah. They don't have Dairy Queens everywhere anymore. I can't, I don't know if there's one in LA. I don't know if that I've seen a Dairy Queen down here. There's, I think up in Burbank, I think there's one that LA. I don't know that I've seen a Dairy Queen down here. There's, I think, up in Burbank. I think there's one that Zach and I used to... No surprise, Zach and I used to go to it.

I'll be making the trip when the weather improves. Yeah. There's one. You got to get... You get out of the middle of the city. Is it me? It's time for your third and fourth picks. Shit.

How am I... See, this is making me look like I've never done... Okay. I want to be... Dylan, just so you know, Deshawn is always this unprepared and unprofessional. Not at all. Not at all.

I thought so. I get nervous because everyone's so good, and this is one that I was just so... You're so good. Thank you. All right. I'll stick to what I want to invent. I wanted to have invented the remix machine,

the Coke remix machine. I want to be the one that invented that. I mean, I'm not going to... I can't try to make something up that I didn't have on my list. I saw on Bill Oakley's, whatever his socials, that there is a Heinz condiment remix machine. Dude. Just so everyone knows why remix machine, just in case.

I mean, there's a hundred percent of our listeners know what a remix machine is. I think, but it's that you like press, you're like, now it's a little bit Diet Coke. Now it's like a lemon cherry diet coke and now vanilla sprite you can get it uh bill oakley's thing did you watch the whole video ian no it's so what it does is you can pick it's like ketchup ranch barbecue sauce or mustard or something like that so you pick one of those and then below that it's got like buffalo teriyaki, whatever. So like you can make buffalo teriyaki ketchup if you want. And then you put a little ramekin in the thing and it dumps out the ingredients and it just like vibrates the

ramekin around. So it mixes everything perfectly. Then you pull it out and you have a perfect tiny little amount of teriyaki buffalo ketchup. It is sick. I'm a condiment guy. To quote my favorite anti-Semite, Kanye West, no one man should have all that power. Yeah, and I feel like without my invention of the Coke remix machine, that doesn't get invented. So you are welcome. I'm out here making moves for the gen pop.

Is anyone here a remix soda machine? Do they, anybody go to bat on that? Sean, I feel like you would be the one. Of course. What do you get out? What do you get up to on that thing? So when I worked for ABC mouse, they had mellow yellow. So we, we had a remix machine in the cafeteria, free ice cream and free soda. That's what they gave us at the call center. It's like, fuck you. So they had Mellow Yellow, which I haven't had for a minute. And then every day I'd get like grape or peach or strawberry, lime, lemon. It's peach, mellow yellow.

Forget about it. So good. I love mixing different fruits. Dude, it's like people shit on all these Mountain Dew flavors. Give me anything you want to try. Except for the Flamin' Hot. Don't mix Flamin' Hot with the soda, but give me anything.

Give me, like, there's one right now that tastes like a Bomb Pop, and it's fantastic. You don't want to drink the whole thing. It'll put you down. But yeah, it's like 4th of July Mountain Dew. Sign me up. What am I trying to be cool for?

I'm married. I got a kid. Give me all your fucking weird Mountain Dew. Send it to me, and I'll guzzle it out of a pint glass. I'll put it on the internet for you. You're like the human X Games, dude. That's true. I close mine. Same.

Yeah, I just got way too upset about that last night in the green room for somebody who didn't care one bit about my opinions on Mountain Dew. For some reason, we got talking. I was like, you know, and all these fucking people think they're too cool to drink a Mountain Dew. Like, whatever. If you like a Mountain Dew, just drink a Mountain Dew. And he's like, uh-huh.

Who are these people who think they're too cool to drink a Mountain Dew? Most people. Well, nobody back home, but like most people on the coasts. I feel like. My wife has never had a Mountain Dew. There you go. I remember I went to the beginning of this shit. I went to Taco Bell one time with our friends,

Anthony and Heather. And, uh, our friend Heather was eating Taco Bell and she goes, oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so gross. And I'm like,

it is not, it's bad for you. And Ian, you had a whole bit about this, but it's like, there's a big difference between gross and bad for you. Mountain Dew is bad for you, but it's not gross.

I don't even remember that bit. I mean, that was pretty much it. We were just complaining about the same thing. We're kvetching, if you will. And yeah, people say it's gross. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bad for you. It's bad for you.

I'm too productive. I'm too, my work just spans. It's too much to take in. And your fourth pick, Sean Jordan. I mean, you didn't have a bit about it, so don't be upset when I do a bit about it tonight and then put it on TikTok because I'm out here too. I'll kill you, bro.

The next pick is... I want to be the only absolutely confirmed stone-cold evidence of an alien abduction. I want that to be me. Irrefutable. That is a good one. That is a great one. There's no,

absolutely no doubt, it is scientific, it is a fact, like death and taxes, that I was abducted by aliens. Like people saw it happen. Everything you need to make it a fact,

there's no, because this is a fictional, you know, so there's no holes in this story. You were at the Oregon state fair and you had just walked out of the world's biggest steer tent and you were like, I honestly thought it would be bigger. I was like, no, it was big. Don't get me wrong.

Cause people are going to think I didn't saying it wasn't big. It was big, but I thought the world's biggest would be bigger than that. Right. And then from the clouds, a UFO descends. And the laser beam come down, the tractor beam, and you start floating up. Just like you would have seen in the 50s when they're like, he was abducted by aliens. It was just like, I float up. I'm freaking out.

Rachel Ray was there filming like a Food Network, like a Best State Fair Food special. And like you're in the background of her shot. So even Rachel Ray is like going on the news being like, I saw it happen. Dr. Drew saw it. Yeah. This is too cool.

This is too good. This fic is too good. This fic is too good. I'm going to jump off this fucking black leather couch right now i can't even handle it yeah it's leather couches they'll get you but yeah i don't know i just think it'd be like and then you know i'm okay and then i can kind of speak to what uh what's happening and also we know there's and you become best friends with um mark hoppus yes is that the alien guy or is it Tom DeLonge?

Which one is it? One of them is an alien guy? Oh, one of them is a big alien guy, dude. He retired Blink-182 to become Alien Man. But he's still Alien Man. But even though the bands got back together, definitely. Tom DeLonge. Not for nothing. I'm going to see Blink-182 at some point.

Let's all go together. Let's all go together. I'm going to see Blink 182 at some point. Let's all go together. I would love to. My wife just got home, so I can't say how much I would pay whatever tickets cost for Blink 182. I would too. They're in LA. We would have so much fun. We should get a group and go. That would be so fun.

We talked about it for Vegas last year, didn't we? Weren't we kicking it around it's too soon we'll be in it's the 16th and the 17th oh damn well i'll be back i'll do it yeah they're not done touring i want to see him desperately because i might have seen him at a warp tour before i cared and i can't remember if i did or not. My mom never let me go to Warped Tour, even though it was 15 minutes away from my hotel. Blair, we're surfing today, and there will be no more talk of the Warped Tour. That literally did happen.

The big dog will get the fuck out on the water today, and that will be the end of it. Yeah. If you go to the Warped Tour, you're a pussy. You know. That. You know that thing. yeah if you go to the warp tour you're a pussy you know dylan how did you know what my mom sounds like yeah so uh being the confirmed alien abduction no no way to refute it i think you would be a great guy to send to the aliens i would be very if like if they were like hey sean sean is the one dealing with aliens. I'd be like, we're in good hands.

Yeah. I agree. Yeah. I'll try to be diplomatic while I'm up there. Uh, 10 for my fourth pick with my fourth pick. I am, this is a little bit, this was a little bit in line with your pick, but I'm going to take it anyway. I'm going to be, I'm sorry.

Whatever. Whatever. This was on my list. I'm running out of things. Who cares? I met Bigfoot and I have proof, but I didn't share any of the details with anybody. Whoa, that's even cooler. You have proof, but we have to trust that you have proof or like you prove it. No, I have proof.

I have like, there's like footage. I have like a hair sample, whatever. But people are like, where is he? I'm not saying it. I'm not telling anybody. There you go But people are like, where is he? I'm not saying it. I'm not telling anybody. There you go. They're like, where was it? Was it like, was it in Oregon? You're in Oregon a lot. I'm like, well, maybe, but I'm not going to say where it was. I'm keeping that to myself. About as deep as I dive into conspiracies is the, I'm not completely sold. There's not a Bigfoot. I mean, that's about as deep as I go. Also, you just can't, jet fuel

doesn't cut steel beams at a 90 degree angle. That's a whole, I mean, that's about as deep as I go. Also, you just can't, jet fuel doesn't cut steel beams at a 90 degree angle. That's a whole, I mean, that's just factors. You can't really do that. That's a big one for him. But maybe I even have video of Bigfoot. And again, like people have checked it out. It can't be faked, but it's just like, I do it and I'm taking it to the grave with me.

Nobody can know. I just love that you added that part though. Like you have so much chill about it. Like it's sort of like the way you have to be if, like, you're, like, the Beyonce security guard or something. Yeah. Like, that's so cool. I love that that was the vibe you had. Like, you're like, I'm not a fucking blabbermouth.

I'm just like. I got Bigfoot. I got to protect Bigfoot. I don't trust this world with Bigfoot. No. Yeah. I think the aliens are going to be fine because obviously they've developed a way to get here.

They're technologically advanced. That's cool. I think that can be something everybody knows about. But I think Bigfoot, all you know is that I saw him. And I'm not telling you anything else. And maybe because you're just in certain circles, you're very well, it's like, oh, this guy really did. Maybe after you pass away, there's a biopic about you.

And that's how the fame actually. It's not something that you wanted, but it happened after you passed. The man who met Bigfoot and didn't tell anybody. And that's the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a it's a posthumous fame. Yeah. That's a long that's a good documentary title. I'd watch it. The man. You should write that movie. If Cocaine Bear got made, I mean, I think you can get this off the ground, Ian. That's true. Secret Bigfoot?

Yeah, Elizabeth Banks will probably listen to this and buy the rights up immediately. She does listen. She runs the Reddit. Cocaine Bear was really good. I was shocked. It was really funny. Don't you do that. Don't you get handsome on it. It was really good. I was shocked. It was really funny. Don't you do that. Don't you get handsome on it. It was really fun. I enjoyed it a lot.

I didn't see it because I am very scared, except for if I come around a bull shark. You scared of cocaine? No, I'm scared of violence and gore. Oh, yeah. Dylan, time for your fourth pick.

Okay. So, for my fourth pick, I... Okay, we're going to go a little bit historical on this one. Alexander Hamilton

was bisexual. Oh! He fucked a a guy and it's documented I want to be the guy who fucked Alexander Hamilton and I'm like I need money for ink I'm out of ink money and I need to be fucked so

fuck me and I'll give me the money for ink so I want to be that guy so you're like you're stooping Alexander Hamilton and then he's also like hey I need ink and he's like let me help you out oh my gosh

in Alexander Hamilton Lynn decided to go like talk about Mariah and the affair but they didn't talk about the affair with Dylan Adler and the money that he gave to him. So, absolutely. That's, I want to be known in history as the Hamilton boinker. Alexander Hamilton's ink boy. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. The ink boy. Bring me my ink boy. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The ink boy. Bring me my ink boy. That's the perfect proximity to history. Yeah. I would never trust myself enough to be in those rooms making those big decisions. I don't want to be in the room where it happened. I want to be in the room later that night hearing about it.

Same bitch. Same bitch. Yeah. I, yeah. And maybe somewhere along the line, someone will write a hearing about it. Same bitch, same bitch. Yeah. I, yeah. And maybe somewhere along the line, someone will write a musical about him. My character. So you broke up a little bit.

I think that was on my computer. What, are you in Hamilton? Is that what you were saying? No, I want like a new Hamilton about the Hamilton boinker. I love it, dude. That's fantastic. Have you written a Little Man Will Miranda rap about? Hey, yo, I was

weak. I was horny. I was really needing ass. That tight ass, yes. Those skateboarding shorts. Those skateboarding shorts. I want to get deep in those skateboarding shorts. I want to get deep in those skateboarding shorts. I want to cum in that ass. I want to pregnant that ass. Yes.

Here's your ink money, bitch. I am not thrown away. My condom. Okay. Oh my god. Oh my god. The talent. Yeah, dude. That was fantastic. Good on you. It's intimidating. oh my god the talent yeah dude that was

fantastic good on you it's intimidating it makes me feel like a fraud this is going to be a peabody for this episode I can't believe the talent that I am living and breathing

around me right now the feeling is mutual I feel blown away by all these pics we're going to give you a moment to sort of collect yourself I am living and breathing around me right now. Yeah. We're getting it. Well, healing is mutual. I feel blown away by all these picks. We're going to give you a moment to sort of collect yourself after that, because we're going to take one more very short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Babel.

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Welcome back to All Fantasy. Everything already in progress. Blair Saki in the Rockies is about to make her fourth pick, and then we will enter a lightning round for our final picks. Okay. Hello, everyone. It's great to be back from the break.

Okay, here we go. I want to be famous for being the second woman to marry james leisure just kidding who's james leisure remember i got so clowned for him on the last um bald podcast um oh yeah that's right that's right that's right, that's right, that's right. Probably one of the most terrifying moments of my entire life, the silence that ensued after that one. But anyways, that's not my pick. I do not condone violence aside from the whole bull shark incident, but I want to, you know, I'm famously cuddly, care, Blair, socky,

but I do like to be famous for beating someone's ass for eating yogurt in public. That is not right. I'm not supposed to watch you unselfconsciously lick a blob off a plastic spoon as if other people aren't being forced to see it? As if other people should be subjected to watching you lick cherry-flavored snot out in God's own pure ordained sunshine. I'm not going to stand for it, and I'm going to take matters into my own goddamn hands, and I'm going to make a change on sight. Did you recently see someone eating yogurt in public?

Only all 25 years I've been alive on God's green earth. Okay? I see it all the time. i used to see it on the on the subway but these people have no shame it's disgusting i want it i want it i want laws passed yeah i don't disagree i'm with like a lot of food i saw some dude eating mashed potatoes on the bus one time i was like like, man, I don't know about all that. That's interesting. So gnarly. It's such a swing. Eat an apple or something, you know?

The worst is like when they don't, when they're eating yogurt and they don't eat it off the spoon in one bite. Oh, that's the worst! Oh, they do a little nip. They eat like a turtle. That makes me feel nauseous. And then they do the flip it over, lick the... The flip over!

It's all sensual and you're like, no, I'm, yeah, I'm with you. I've eaten a tuna sandwich on the J train. I'm sorry. I think that's less of an offense. I'm not kidding. I think sandwiches can go anywhere, even if there's a tuna smell. If I know it's coming from a tuna sandwich, that never bothers me. Yeah, I think a can go anywhere even if there's a tuna smell if I know it's coming from a tuna sandwich that never bothers me

yeah I think a sandwich is fine yogurt itself is just disgusting to me and then I don't know so I had to go in I had to go get I'm on amoxicillin because I have to go get my gums cut into on Tuesday he's getting a grill put in

yeah dude black diamonds but the doctor she goes into on Tuesday. He's getting a grill put in. Yeah, dude. Black diamonds. But the doctor, she goes, she's like, this is an antibiotic. So yogurt for the diarrhea. I was like, well, I might not get diarrhea.

It's just funny. She just said it like it was a fact. Famous last words. I might not get diarrhea. I'm hoping not. Oh my God. Oh my God. Well, if you're going to eat that yogurt, you better do it in the privacy of your own home, my friend.

I will. Yeah, I don't go out with public yogurt. You can catch a whopper. Shocking. No, I wouldn't dream of it. I don't want to upset the big dog. Even if I wanted to, the big dog said no, I do what I'm told. Same. Thank you for your respect. That's's an excellent pick and it's time for a lightning round everybody's final pick blair you're first up oh yeah wow you no matter how many times i do this podcast i don't think i'm ever gonna under learn what a serpentine draft is um

okay i wish i was famous for eating the most cilantro in one sitting. Are you kidding me? I'm a cilantro freak. I'm a cilantro god. That would be incredible because I'm a maniacal cilantro fan, but I don't think I'm allowed to be famous for eating

cilantro because I think it is of Latino origin and I'm white. So please forget this and I'll just eat it silently and obscene large quantities in private obscurity. You're Italian though. Oh yeah, I am. I am Italian, but

is it? I think cilantro is from native to Southern Europe and Northern Africa and southwestern asia yeah us irish had nothing to do with it so go nuts i don't care you know stay away from the british call it coriander is that true yeah coriander is cilantro what the yeah goddamn redcoats rename and everything. I have never been more educated in my goddamn life than I have on this podcast.

Yeah. It's edutainment for sure. Wow. Yeah, it is. Dylan, it is time for your final pick. My final pick.

I want to be famous for being a rollercoaster critic where I have to ride rollercoasters around the country and write essays about their, you know, funness and published in the Times. And I'm like, you know, it started out incredible. I felt like I was on a journey, a little too shaky, or it's like, you know, or this one, I felt as though I astral projected.

And it was, so I wanna, I love roller coasters, so I wanna be a roller coaster critic. I'm picturing you riding a roller coaster, very calm with a notepad out and a pen. Absolutely. That's so cool. Interesting, oh, interesting. Fire's a nice touch, you know.

That's fantastic. Time for my final pick. Surfing the biggest wave in history. Oh, God dang. Nazare. Nazare. Yeah, Portugal. I've been watching that 100-foot wave documentary series on HBO. It's crazy.

And it's me. So you're going to do a 101-foot wave. 105-foot wave. Comfortably the biggest wave. You don't beat the record. You shatter the record. Comfortably the biggest wave. You don't beat the record, you shatter the record. Comfortably the biggest wave. Wow, Ian. And at the top of the wave, I have like sort of a squirrel suit.

So I jump off my surfboard, squirrel suit wings, and then I go gliding to the top of the Nazarene Cliffs. That's so cool. You glide up. I love that. I catch a wave. That's so cool. You glide up. I love that. I catch a wave. There's sort of a wind. There's a front coming off at the front of the wave.

I just am able to fucking navigate. You got your Mario 3 cape so you can go up. You understand. You pump the wind. I get it. That's so cool. Sean Jordan. I want to be a rapper.

Right down Main Street. be a rapper so pretty right down main street no bells no whistling which you can hear sean jordan's rap song it's on spotify it is 5 000 people have already heard it so don't be late to the party nike versus adidas nike and adidas called gear crisis gear crisis yeah dude yeah make sure you check that out funny lyrics i just don't know how to rap i'll tell you that but it's Nike and Indeed. It's called Gear Crisis. Gear Crisis. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Pretty funny. Make sure you check that out. Funny lyrics. I just don't know how to rap. I'll tell you that, but it's funny. Isaac is producing in absentia, so he does not have a producer's pick.

Right. We're producing this thing. Yeah, we'll see what it sounds like. Isaac, if you want to add one in later, I mean, it is your sacred right. In post, they say. To do so in post. But to recap the people who did make picks, Blair, you went first,

and you took being the first 5'6 white lady to reverse 360 dunk, roaring like the MGM lion with the backboard shattering everywhere, and the players who you dunked on are walking away silently, chewing on their mouth guards. Your second pick,

fighting a bull shark and winning. Your third pick, being the chef that is Stanley Tucci's favorite cook and you're driving around in vintage Jaguars and other vintage drop-top cars, comfortably full, a little bit drunk on Barolo and just having the time of your lives,

beating someone's ass for eating yogurt in public and eating the most cilantro or coriander in one sitting. Dylan, you went second. You took being the gay who was asked to write those sort of award show singing, dancing moments featuring kind of like older, well-established female actors. Your second pick is dancing at the club, and you're up on stage,

and you go viral for dancing like really slutty and good, and you kind of like attain a fame that is big in the gay community, but also even like goes outside of it. It even goes outside of it a little bit. The third is there's a video of you about to get hate-crime, but you knock out the person doing the hate-crime.

Being the guy who fucked Hamilton. And then being a rollercoaster critic. Hamilton, top or bottom? I think he's a top. I think he's a top. I'll bottom for Hamilton. Okay, bottoming for Hamilton. And then being a rollercoaster critic.

I went third. I took being a reformed art thief who helps catch other art thieves. Being the third youngest person to ever win an EGOT. Inventing a popular Dairy Queen dessert. Finding Bigfoot but not telling anyone. And then surfing the biggest wave in history. Sean, you went last. You took swimming from LA to Hawaii, being

the only NFL receiver to never drop a pass, inventing the remix machine, being the only absolutely confirmed, stone cold, proven, there's evidence of an alien abduction, and then your final pick.

Just being a rapper. All excellent picks. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to

Super Producer Isaac Lee on the ones and twos. Shout out to Saint Sue Carmel. Shout out to the AFE Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to

the AFE Shaslackity. The AFE subreddit. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to H AFE Shacklackity, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity. that was a hate gun podcast