All Fantasy Everything - Things You Would Tell Your Younger Self (w/ Sean Patton, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Happy Thursday from the GVG! Listen, we know we seem perfect, but it took A LOT of mistakes to make each of us the Mona Lisa that we are. That's why this week we're drafting "Things You Would Tell Your Younger Self!" We couldn't ask for a better fit for our guest! This week, we are joined by comedian and all around jovial mad man, Sean Patton. Enjoy! Episode Guest:Sean Patton @mrseanpatton IG @mrseanpattonSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, the AFE Movie Club, and video pre-rolls.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Merch: teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. Today, we're drafting things I would tell my younger self. Our guest today is the very, very funny comedian. It only says very here once, but I'm putting three verys on it. Very, very, very funny comedian sean patton

sean has performed on late night conan and you can see it's half hour special on comedy central it's on one of those streamers you can check it out right now i'm your host ian carmel and we're joined as always by my friends and comedians sean jordan and live from bolivia david bori let's get into it. I'd just like to say thank you, but also you're forgetting a massive credit that I share with your co-host, David Borey. This joker, the Will Smith-hosted comedy extravaganza that will never air. Where did that end up? Is that anywhere?

It's never going to come to the light of day, man. No. Never? It's gone forever? Well, listen, we're going to keep this in. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, a podcast we started 35 seconds ago. How come it's not for it well listen we're gonna keep this in welcome to another brand another brand new episode of all fantasy everything a podcast we started 35 seconds ago how come it's not gonna air uh i because it went to quibi oh everyone forgot to uh update their of their quibi subscriptions i guess it's insane to me that there's just some will smith and amady amazing comedian content just floating out there and like there's

nowhere for it yeah there's a bunch of b-roll of him grinding on christy chiello yeah we're gonna get that out there there's a there's a whole scene of him like battle rapping the vegas strip from atop a tour bus and then just looks over and who was it not it wasn't oh who was who was it it was like dj khaled no no it's the guy who played big perm that actor oh it was phase on love just in a convertible like oh hey will it was insane yeah just coincidentally yeah what yeah that's why people go to vegas baby you never know the luck that's better than most of the shit on tv right now just will smith running into phase on love on the streets of las vegas just out on the strip you know it was so fucking crazy because we're walking around like you

remember there was a lot of times we're kind of out in public with will smith and yeah you see which is weird was weird you see people start to realize like holy shit that's will smith and one of his assistants would like run over and be like that's not well that's that's actually a will smith impersonator i know he looks they did not they would just immediately believe it like yeah you're right that's definitely not will smith well of course because they looked and saw who he was kicking it with and they're like well yeah he ain't gonna be will smith ain't kicking it with shane shane sean pat come on don't do that oh yeah shane was there too it's a shane torres bro it's more of a shane torres i believe you guys this is shane torres that's what earlier before you guys got on i was talking to

sean i was like i heard you in the hispanic titanic at quite the night in nolens and sean has never heard him called the hispanic titanic before i am i am i am terrified to say anything to shane these days he gets so he hates shane hates me he's so sensitive i don't know what i ever did to shane like whenever i say anything slightly amusing he's just like oh shut it down i'm like sorry great sorry i'll go i'll go put my face in the corner he just came over and met my dirter and uh it was pretty touching i've been because you know you guys are my family so it's nice to see i was so excited when he when he met her i was like uh you know i was almost in tears it was great did you let him hold her no we're not we okay i let you i let ian hold her i can't lie

you can't touch my office i let ian hold her but ian is the only person other than my mother on my side of who gets to hold her that will hold her no no friends or no strangers or anything like strangers obviously but strangers are okay because you gotta build up their uh immune system but like not anyone you know i was wearing like the fucking i was wearing a space suit yeah you gotta come through with the hazmat to touch that baby yeah you know um uh my um my so my my mom shane shane met my entire family pretty much and my mom listens to comedy central sirius xm like in her commute daily yeah here's a lot of comedians and she was like tell who are all the people were like it was a bunch of comics were all going to a crawfish boil at my uncle's

house and i was pointing them out it's tight yeah it Yeah, it was awesome. And I was like, it's Shane Torres. And my mom got legit like, oh, it's Shane Torres. I hear him on the radio all the fucking time. And was legit like starstruck to meet Shane. He was super sweet to my mom. It was very adorable. He is on that radio all the fucking time. Every month I do a drop for Shane. He's also, if you need someone to charm your mom

yeah oh yeah torres is the guy for the job that dude yeah did he throw the accent on a little bit it's the best i can tell you right now he turned that accent on honey yeah the texas just comes right out the draw just like buddy it's so fun where did you park your horse, dog? Because, wow. I didn't know. Man, I've known you for 10 years. I never noticed that deputy badge. And I'm going to say it right now. When Shane gets that Texas out, it's hot.

Oh, buddy. It's hot. He's got like a hot Texan thing going on. The loins be quivering. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Did I ever tell you this about Shane? and you guys tell him that this happened one time we were at the bar getting all drunk and he kept saying and i thought he was all drunk and he had a thick texas accent and he kept saying i heard that boy shane can pump and i thought it was so funny and everybody was laughing and then the next day

i came to like the lobby of the hotel and i said it and he looked at me like he had no idea what the fuck i was talking about it's so embarrassing like i tried to keep the bit going and he was like did he remember saying it at all no he made it seem like i was fucking nuts i mean i did hear he can pump yeah i heard he could pump i heard that boy shane can pop it's so good i'm now now i'm going to next time i see him just next time i walk by just whisper that boy sean can pump though just let him like what'd you say like nothing i'm saying i was just saying nothing have a man. Why are you being weird? Stop being weird. That boy Sean does auto-pumping. Yeah, David.

Oh, you got, you almost, you almost got into our boy. That boy Sean. That boy Sean can pump, boy. Pump. By the way, David, I heard, I was, I was on the road, like two weeks ago, I was on the road for like, like 40 hours of driving. I heard a lot of David Borey. Comedy Central Radio, next up.

You know what's fun? When you're in a hotel and you forget that David is the voice and you just flip it to Comedy Central because the South Park movie is on or something. Then every commercial, I'll be taking a shower with the door open or naked on the couch or whatever. When you're in the room by yourself, I'll just hear David. I'm like, oh, fun.

Wait, wait. Don't you guys do weird stuff in the hotel room whatever. You know, when you're in the room by yourself. And I'll just hear David. And I'm like, oh, fun. Wait, wait. What? Don't you guys do weird stuff in the hotel room by yourself? Yeah, of course. But I do. I do. I wouldn't remain to that story necessarily. Naked the whole time.

Are you just talking about how. I mean, my clothes come off almost the second I step into a hotel. It's weird. But like, a way I don't behave when I'm even alone at home. But like. No, not even close. Are you speaking to the experience of it being weird that you're naked and hearing david's voice no it's just i always forget that david is the voice of comedy central me being nude had nothing to do with it it's just a fun little you know just

a fun little thing i put in there don't run from your feelings i think it might have something to do with it what does it feel like being naked and hearing david's voice fun man it's pretty cool i've been pretty close to naked with david's voice in the same room so you know yeah this is the boy that you're the boy shard we said sean jordan can pump we should be yeah jordan can pump big enough to make a baby you know what i mean yeah i have a daughter sean she's upstairs screaming my daughter i know congr. Congrats. I haven't seen you since you've become Father Sean Jordan. You're going to be... Well, we'll talk about it.

You're in Milwaukee. Can I regale y'all with a story of my Milwaukee-ness? That guy regaling us is Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougarmel Jordan on Instagram. Go on. Tight. Did I use regale right? Yeah. Yeah.

I may have told it, but I'll try to condense it. But I was in Milwaukee and it was the old club that was run by mobsters. And they were legit Milwaukee mob guys. And they suit and tie like, hey, how you doing? How you doing? And they would wiggle the tie knot, that kind of thing. And I was there one night. And after the show, I left and I was in an apartment building and I went out to the alley, which I thought was the outdoor of the apartment building or the street.

But it was an alley and the door locked behind me. And there was like a 15 foot tall fence blocking me from getting out. And I saw I was like, hmm. And I was pretty tore up. I was like, all right, well, you're going to have to climb that. And then as I was thinking about it, a cop drove by and they shine their light in the alley onto me. And then I was like, all right, well, you're going to have to climb that. And then as I was thinking about it, a cop drove by and they shine their light in the alley onto me. And then I was like, oh, shit.

So I ran up and tried to climb the fence and I threw my leg over the top and I was like, this is way too tall. I can't be doing it. And then I saw him turn around. So then I just threw my other leg over and I jumped to the bottom and broke my foot. It was such a bummer. And then the cops came up and I could barely stand up they id'd me and everything i was like i broke my foot i think and they're like all right good luck and they just

dipped and i remember that yeah i had to go back to the condo and then the fire alarm went off and i had to it was one of those where i'm like there's no way there's a fire but it was going on for like 20 minutes so i crawled into the hallway and then got to the elevator and then it stopped and i was like dude and i crawled back into my bed and then got to the elevator and then it stopped and i was like dude and i crawled back into my bed and just went to sleep it was such a bummer dude that's i mean speaking of milwaukee well so i'm staying in a hotel right now called the ambassador hotel oh yeah and as my lift driver from the airport dropping me off he's like the ambassador huh you know that's where uh jeffrey dahmer uh killed one of his victims and i was like what and then like when i was okay and

as i'm checking in i'm like so uh which room i know you brought it up yeah i was like which room was uh the dahmer have and she just she does this she's typing she goes hmm and then right but doesn't say anything and i was like oh you can you not tell me and she goes i'm gonna keep typing i was like all right but then late but then she's giving my key she's like we honestly don't know they've never they don't tell us they've never told us i'm like fuck really somebody must know yeah somebody knows you gotta get is there a bar is there a bar in the hotel there is a bar and it ain't not open it is definitely shuttered up really because we it can't because of covid because they're having 25 000 people gather outside the buck stadium that's outside sean yeah yeah dude i

mean and they're socially distanced yeah dude that'd be so fuck 25 000 people six feet apart all i'm saying is i've never seen covid 1 through 18 in the same room so damn get him elevate third eye dude keep that third eye open the guy wants you to keep your third eye open is david boring cool guy jokes 87 on instagram the g is silent on twitter how are you doing that's me i'm good you know i was watching big three basketball before this yeah i'm having a time who's playing it's like old it's ice cubes old guy league basically it's so dank it's just like a bunch of varied ages of retired players playing three on three half court basketball it's fun they have any current players or i i thought i don't think you can i don't think you can do that oh i suppose probably

you got kitino mobley with like an all white beard and hair he looks awesome he was just playing he he's been killing threes yeah very slow but like just dead accurate still because you never use that right those tall dudes get slow quick i think yeah i mean it's i think those joints start going yeah it's a lot of real estate it's a lot of real estate on that body how many how big is the league i think it's like six or seven teams it's not big and it's all run by ice cube why why don't why don't we start like why don't we start a comedian's league that we like for basketball yeah like a three-on-three like there's enough that would be good at it i bet or decent yeah decent yeah yeah and like i'd

still want to coach dude i would love that if they if these festivals would get like just some sort of physical like you know they try to do yoga and stuff and i'm like that ain't it that wasn't nobody getting up at nine to do yoga we competition we need to feel superior to someone yeah something we can wear new shoes to yeah they put the they put the pbr and the voodoo donuts on opposite sides of the green room so So you got to walk across the burn. It would be fun to have. So my buddy just joined, joined a flag football team. So I was in the park throwing him routes yesterday. And I was like, it is so fun to play football. It's so fun. Sports are fun, dude. We were just in the backyard throwing like a Frisbee around. And I was like, this is great. Why don't i do this more often the last high plains they had a barbecue and they just had a a giant barrel of footballs soccer

balls baseball gloves and baseball i mean it was just to grow all that stuff up just yeah to eat it was sick man just throw some footballs on the grill football man it's dang were any of you i think i think all three of you but i can can't remember, were at that year at High Plains where it was the final show and they had like 40 pizzas in the green room for comedians or whatever. And then afterwards, it turned into pizza box baseball. Oh, no. Oh, I don't remember that. Yeah, they made like bases. They cleared the table, made bases, obviously pizza boxes, crunched up balls and duct taped them together to make like a softball and then made a bat out of it wasn't in a basement

though or it was in that office space it was like a green room of the yeah and it was shuffy was cranking them dude it was the most like and people we were all taking it fucking serious you know i was like yeah that was amazing it turns out when it comes to pizzas boxes i'm like a legit derrick jeter level shortstop you're like pizza yata you know what else happened that year yeah we uh we danced around that that doll that was like on fire in that basement bro that that after party yeah man we got fucking we got witch. Everybody got hammed on Drambuie. It was a weird scene. That night got a little,

Oh, yeah, it was, it was one of the bookstore. It wasn't, no, it was in the basement because before they were at the bookstore, the after party was in the basement of the Buffalo exchange on South

Broadway. Oh, I didn't get to go. didn't i don't think i went to those either this is like year one or year two because the only liquor sponsor they had was dram buoy and they let me and sam bartend and it was like a hundred fucking degrees in that basement and everybody was just down there fucking sweating and then somehow we this doll got set on fire and everybody was like dancing around it was fucking that was a there's a lot of mushrooms that time bro i could tell you how the doll got set on fire i swear no i didn't do it this happens to me when i'm

apparently if i'm hammered enough i have like what like a version of the voice of like have you ever heard uh you ever read like preacher yeah the comic. Have you ever read Preacher? Yeah, the comic book? Yeah, you know how he has the God voice where he can just say something and people do it? It just happens to me if I'm hammering it up. I remember being like, someone light it on fire. I forgot who was holding it. I want to say it was Sharpie, but I was like,

light it on fire, and they did. And I was like, oh no. It was fucking wild, man. It was fucking wild man well let's do this now fuck it it was real animalistic oh bro it was a primal i loved it those first the first three years of high plains were amazing and then i didn't i'm going back this year for the first time since year three so i'm like we haven't been back since year three i do i did i was doing it was always in august so i was doing like edinburgh or like yeah yeah and and now that's later in the year i'm like i'm so that that's the best festival in the country if you ask me it's gonna be fun yeah we're uh yeah

we'll probably set a doll on fire if you know what i mean there oh there should be multiple dolls we should set dolls on fire multiple multiple witchings. Oh, yes. I can get some dolls at cost. I can get them at cost. You got a doll guy? Yeah, I mean, I could move some stuff around. I'm probably done doing Molly, which is the perfect time to start getting into witch shit.

Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think I'll be doing any drugs, but I can do some witch stuff. You should do drugs. You're a father now. Yeah, you got to do some witch stuff. You should do drugs. You're a father now. Yeah, you got to do drugs, Sean. You got to keep up with whatever the new dope is. So when your daughter eventually gets into dope, because, you know, daughter of a comedian,

is she going to have a choice? Probably not. You'll be able to do it with her. You got to be like, look at me, Max. I've done scrubs. You don't want max i've done scrubs you don't want that fucking life dude you don't want that fucking life so crazy to me you named your daughter after maxwell yeah well i like a lot of r&b man you know that about me that's true that's true yeah i actually died i've i've usually some people give you the names of why they named their daughter

other reasons you're like okay sure but that respected yeah you know maxwell man it was between that or uh phoenix shakur that was going to be your first name matt tell me if i'm over my skis on this at all and from from from any angle by the way just let me know max maxine it's a it's a first of all it's a very cute name it's a beautiful name but it also does seem like the name of kind of like a middle-aged black woman who's just fucking had enough. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right? It was the name of the lawyer on Living Single, Maxine Shaw. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's like home, tired after a long day of work, maybe pouring a glass of wine and just doesn't need anyone's bullshit. She should get box braids when she gets old. doesn't need my bullshit and she's made it very clear i'm like maxine maxine i'd love to go to sleep and she's like i don't got time for that bullshit dude she calls me dude maxine uh that the maxine uttered the first that all were based on it was a woman named maxine at a dmv in chicago in the dmv has your baby started buying jill scott records yet that's my only question you can't buy what you already got man she was born into a she was born into a fun world i mean she can go buy doubles but i don't you know we don't got that kind of cash. I told her early on, I was like,

you don't spend money that you don't need to spend. That's why I bought all the Jill Scott for you. David, do you have any shows coming up? Not that I... I do... I am in Tucson September 10th and 11th.

And, oh, my Rooster Teeth Feathers weekend just got pushed so come to faded july august 19th uh tucson september i can't remember well i'm sorry guys i'll be all right it's on the it's on the socials yeah high plains is september 16th come to that and then you know yeah look at my You know, don't worry about me. Be on the fucking lookout. Sean Patton is here. Mr. Sean Patton on Twitter.

Mr. Sean Patton on Instagram. That's an M.R. Sean Patton. Sean with an S.E.A.N. That's right. The way John intended. That's right. Yes. Sean, how are you?

You're in Milwaukee right now. This is coming out July 29th, though. Where can people fuck with you just in general? Well, oh, perfect. So August 5th through the 7th, I will be recording my next album at the Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. Yeah. So Portland, Oregon.

Yeah, boy. Turns out I just slid onto all those shows you didn't know it but i'm i'm telling you right now are you are you actually going to be in portland yeah i live here oh good buddy i never know i never know if with what if what you say is just like a uh slick like seanism or if you're telling the truth right yeah yeah no i mean i do have a lot of slick seanism. Thanks, bro. He's got some Sean slickisms too. Oh, you're not ready for those.

I gotta wait till Max is six. She's gotta be in school for the first one. If you have a son, will you name it JoJo? Keeping with the theme of loving R&B? Yeah. JoJo Jordan? Are you kidding me? JoJo Jordan? Come on. That that is good have another kid dude if i have a son i'm gonna name him jodeci jordan and i'll i'll hear nothing else you call him jojo though

you can call him jojo for sure oh yeah joe for sure have another kid if we crowdfund you having another kid will you do it we gotta get a big crowd but yeah yeah yes august august 5th through 7th at helium comedy club come out in portland but uh it'll and i will donate half the proceeds to the jodicy jordan jordy jordan sounds like a kid who was like really good at basketball in junior high school yeah yeah yeah he was like the number three recruit in Texas for all of middle school. People say Baylor's talking to him. I wonder if I could get him at the bank to name her college fund. Like Jodeci Jordan's college fund.

Like on our statements. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right. Tell him, you know, a Jew. That'll make it happen. Jodeci Jordan doesn't even need a middle name.

Like now. Nah, dude. Jodeci Jordan. Yeah. You get it. Jodeci jordan doesn't even need a middle name like not good jodeci jordan yeah you get it jordan oh bro now i'm excited now i'm gonna yeah buddy just gonna when you when you're gonna start getting random like shipments of blue chew and and lubricant just from like the amazon delivery like hey man they told me to tell you to rock up and he just hands me a bunch of blue chew they're gonna send you it's just gonna be a lot of hennessy and then a brochure about the pullout method dude that's all you're gonna get in the mail that's how i got here i love it vsop so sean patton Patton is going to be at Helium.

Fucking cop those tickets. Sean, cover your ears because I want to flatter you. Sincerely, one of the greatest stand-up comedians I've ever seen. So fucking funny and electric on stage. If you're in Portland and you're free those nights and you don't buy a ticket, fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah, man.

All right? If we're just talking about sean batten bits remember that remember that bit you had about puppies coming out of your asshole and then the whole jail cell was in your asshole do you remember that i i do man i also remember that like i got i'd been doing that bit for a couple years and i got a random uh facebook message from a guy who was like hey man just want you to know know that I was doing this first. That's all I'm saying. No, he wasn't. No, no, but he sent a clip of himself doing a bit.

It was like in the late 90s, and it was a similar-esque bit of like another criminal hiding things up your ass that couldn't be hidden up your ass kind of thing. I was like, all right. I mean, but that's like, okay, then what? I also use a microphone and so do you. So does that mean talk about dating? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, it's, but dude, comics from that era, cause I've had like comics from that era,

that like nineties era, like to them, it was like, Nope, whatever, whoever gets to a topic first the topic is done yeah i'm the i'm the food court guy i'm the mall food court guy i'm the guy who jokes about mom i remember when i first started doing stand-up uh sean jordan you might remember this there's a dude whose name i won't mention just because this is not a flattering story it's not bad but like joe rogan did i had a joke where i encouraged people to eat fucking cow tongue and and uh and vast the vast deference of an otter no uh i i had a joke that was like mentioned costco in in this contest and this was right after i started i remember and another comedian was like pissed at me because he was the costco guy he worked at

costco but i did the joke wasn't even about costco like i mentioned costco and then he's like i'm the fucking i'm the costco guy i do the costco jokes and he meant it it's very silly he did mean it which is pretty buck you're like or or we both do them and it's fine how about that i said shane you're not gonna work at at Costco forever, dude. All right? No, I wasn't saying that. Shane, eventually they're going to make you get a haircut, and that hairnet's going to fit,

and then you're going to move up the ladder. Pretty soon you'll be out of Costco, man. Dude, that's funny. Yeah, because there's so many. There's like, man, hey, these bits are completely different. We could do them on the same show. Yeah, exactly. You know?

Exactly. Back to fucking back. And I don't think the audience would. Yeah, exactly. You know, back to fucking back. And I don't think the audience would be like, heard about that already. They'd be like, oh, a different take on a crazy subject. I can't imagine he's had puppies either. That was the end of that bit, right? Puppies. It was something about that.

Yeah. Like I do remember that bit. I think I did it on Comedy Central half hour and they didn't. It was one of the parts that they cut down because it was it was out there yeah but i love i appreciate that's what i'm saying sometimes you realize you write bits and you love bits because of your colleagues because you're like yeah i want to make you guys laugh yeah thank you yeah yeah the back of the room jokes or sometimes sometimes i think it's not even the back of the room it's like the like you're talking to the 20 to 40 percent of every audience that you know are like hardcore

comedy lovers yeah you kind of want to be taken down on a journey and you're like i'm talking to you i know the other 60 percent of you are going to be like huh you're like fuck it who let's go deep let's get and let's cut to the real uncut motherfuckers. Those are the greatest. That's what like, I felt like that's what starting comedy in Portland was like in general. Like every crowd was one of those, like get real weird comedians. So by the time I did like my first set in like Kansas city,

Kansas, I was completely unequipped for that kind of crowd. I remember, I think it was Kansas city. I remember you were like, dude, I ate it. It's like shit.

I mean, it's different. Because I was like a fucking Kobe cow the whole time, just getting massages and eating fucking... Drinking beer? Drinking beer and eating brown rice and shit like that. And then all of a sudden, I got led into the fucking slaughterhouse. Dude, the first time I came to Portland, when you guys brought me out for the Hollywood... Yeah, we brought you out for Funny Over Everything. That one. And I had never seen any of you guys before.

I remember leaving Portland being like, fuck, man. Every night, just being like, these guys are so goddamn funny. And original. It was a very unique... You were all very... It was you three, and Funches,, and, and Shane and, and, and Anthony, what was his name? Oh, Lopez.

Where's that guy? Lopez. He started, so he, not to air him out. He's, he did stand up the other night. It's been a while. He did stand up on, yeah, a week or two ago. Yep. Oh, Lopez was the funniest one out of all of us, man.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I've always said that. He just didn't, he just didn't stick with it. Yeah. He's amazing. But yeah, man. lopez was the funniest one out of all of us man absolutely absolutely i've always said that he's he just didn't he just didn't stick with it yeah he's amazing but yeah man gosh that funny i have the flyers back there but the funny of everything man it was so fun because we used to bring out this is eight years ago when we brought sean out and you were at the point where like i think maybe i think maybe like it was 2012 so almost nine years ago yeah

that's so buck and like you weren't you know you weren't in uh like a it was just nice you weren't like headlining the clubs yet here and it was nice to be able to bring someone out and that's what we did with that show and it's so fun to look now and be like yeah we were right well that was also like the denver boys too when like cory and sam and when y'all brought me out for uh not for y'all's fest with the lucha lot funstable funstable that was that fest was that shit was nuts that was so awesome that was so awesome my favorite part being i think i had like a 600 guarantee you guys like we'll give you 600 bucks and a hotel room and fly you out or something i was like great and i was paid in singles and i loved it i was given a fucking wad of singles from uh uh it was it was probably because we just took the money we earned on the dunk tank yeah it was just

awesome i was like thank you thank you for this what was funstable i don't think there was only there was only two of them it was too much funstival the fine gentlemen's club ran it and it was just like it was like a really local ass festival man i think sean did the first one and funches did the second one maybe yeah i think it was exactly that yeah it was like a shit ton of bands it was more music than comedy really right It was like a shit ton of bands. It was more music than comedy, really, right? Yeah, yeah. It was like a band, then like a comedy moment, a chunk, and then a band, and then Lucha Libre Wrestling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there was like, a lot of it was at Mouth House, if all the Denver heads know. A lot of it was at the Mouth House. That shit was nuts, man. It was awesome. That was the same thing with the Denver. The first time I ever went to Denver, I was like intently legit. Like, fuck, man. These guys, everyone here is funny as well.

Like, everyone was just crushing it. I know at the time you were in the Bay, but I still always equate you as a Denver because you are a Denver. And I was on probation, so I was in Denver every month. There you go. Stand up, man. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on Jewish Civilization 6 on my Nintendo Switch. I've been playing it.

Oh, you have? I played for like 12 hours yesterday. That's fun, man. Had myself a good old-fashioned video game day, dude. It was fun. I love it. I got nothing to promote. The Portland portland shows if you got tickets we'll see you there when this drops i'm in fucking hawaii dude i'm on a paddleboard i'm whispering to whales dude i'm in the reef singing sublime lyrics that pop up in little bubbles and they hit the surface and

people are like damn we're at the pawn shop but it's me it's fucking 20 feet below the surface of the ocean down there at the pawn shop yep yep yep yep yep uh yeah fuck yeah I mean we are gathering here today not to talk about me oh watch the late late show with James Corden uh listen all fans have you

just fucking do it fucking do it oh and join the all fantasy everything patreon where we now we have done our first AFE movie club we watched the first space jam soon we will be watching roadhouse and talking about the movie roadhouse uh we have all

fantasy everything mailbag episodes where you ask us questions we answer them we have the all fantasy everything just slackity it's a slack just for members of the all family uh we have pre-rolls that marissa records of us just bullshitting before the podcast is the podcast before the podcast because we kind of get on here and just talk for like 10 15 minutes before we even start recording and uh what's dank that i'm stoked on which is tell them about it that's just a podcast where I talk about good news.

I just get on. I have 10 probably headlines of articles that are good news, fun things like oxygen masks for turtles, things like that. And what else we did? I have Marissa now. I just have her say a word. And I think of something dank that starts with each letter of the word.

He also tries to spell out the word, which is very, I try to spell the word. She also tries to spell out the word, which is very funny. I try to spell the word first. Ha ha! Ha ha! That's a good time. She just sniped you from the top. Yeah, dude.

He also tries to spell out the word. He's gotten it. He's gotten it so far. I read the most recent text from my mom, which always proves to be fun. Oh, yeah. The queen gives me a random animal fact that I say at the end of every episode.

It's fun, man. Beautiful. Yeah. All that and playlistslists and more so make sure you join up and thank you for your support if you do now we are gathered today not to talk about how dank that everything we're stoked on is even though it is we are gathered today to draft things we would tell our younger selves yeah things i would tell my younger self advice, lessons, whatever it is. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft. Well,

Sean, first of all, Sean Patton, this was your idea. What, what, what inspired this idea? Um,

because, uh, I have this, I have this ongoing fantasy about, uh, discovering, or a wormhole opening up and me being able to go back to be face to face with myself the day i hit puberty oh yeah just being like here's a list just stick to it just stick to

these guidelines yeah right i'd have been like fuck off dork and then i'd have just walked away but i get it yeah just because like the idea of like not not wanting to go back and start life over not that because no i got regrets but i also got things i'm happy i'm very happy but i also would love to just see if i knew certain things just to be like here just these things stick to this list trust me on this you always used to hear like dudes our age when we were kids like or older like man if i could go back and tell myself and like i did now when i was younger i was like yeah right but now i'm like oh yeah there are definitely things i wish i could go back and

tell myself lots of things most of my things make me sound exactly what age i am right i was right in the list i was like you sound like you are 39 when you're writing this list and it's you know i'm here for it yeah i mean that's that's i just it's something i find very interesting just because i feel like we're in this era right now where like it's it's it's not the general it's not cool to be vulnerable or admit to being human anymore it seems like it was like that for a while and now people are like now fuck that toughen up quit being a bitch and it's like well you can do both you can toughen up while also being you can vulnerably toughen up, quit being a bitch. And it's like, well, you can do both. You can toughen up while also being, you can vulnerably toughen up.

I mean, guys, we're saying picks now. There we go. Being vulnerable is tough, but let's get to those picks. I can't wait to hear them. The way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you. We throw on shoot.

Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, three rocks. Rock Obama will throw again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Sean Patton wins. He threw paper. It's the odd person out.

Sean Patton is the winner of rock, paper, scissors. Sean, as the winner, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that i will remind you while holding a pair of scissors it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question let's say you walk to plaid to get a mountain dew before the show you look at the mountain dews in the case hypothetically let's say that you walk to plaid to get a mountain dew before the show and uh you look at the case there's three kinds of mountain dew and you have to decide if you want to be buck jacked or twisted for the recording so you look at the first one first one's baja blast and you're like that'll get me buck and then you go over and you're like code red will get me jacked regular will get me twisted because it's green like the joker part of the joker and you for a second you're like maybe

i'll be twisted but then you look over you see the other option so you kind of hang on the twisted for a little bit but you're like no i'm gonna go maybe i'll be jacked you go back to the code red and you're like that'll jack me up for sure but i like being buck and then you go to the baja blast and you're like that'll keep me buck but you kind of lean towards twisted because it's fun and you've been saying it a lot lately so you're on buck for a second more and then you go back to jacked and then you're over it twisted then you make your mind up you're like nope buck it is so you hang it on twisted just for a second make sure that you do not want to be twisted then you go back make sure you don't want to be jacked finally you land on

buck there it is baja blast your buck nothing has ever made more and less sense simultaneously yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's amazing how much I understood and how confused, yet got it, I am. It's like he was speaking English, but the words were not in the order that you would expect the sentence to be. Basically, what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round,

you pick first in the second round, and we do that for five rounds. Now, Sean, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I would like to pick third perfect and i would like i would like to let uh sean jordan lead off oh i never get to go first tight all right going first and then uh i'd like it to have uh david that cleanup oh hot corner all right okay all right this is like an order that we know almost never going this is never happening really okay and then in a second yeah there it is i'm cozying up second there it is all right i'm all cozy i'm all cute and cozy well we're gonna get

to that first pick from sean jordan the man who is twisted buck what was was the third one? Jacked, bro. I was going to get lit, but they didn't have any pineapple, so I was like, they took getting lit out of the equation. Say no more. Do we understand? I like the Baja Blasters in stores now. I wonder how much of a negotiation that was with Taco Bell. I got the rush of, like, when I

saw there was Baja Blast there today, all joking aside, that was immediately my first pick, but I got the same feeling that I imagine some people get when they get a birthday card with way more money than they thought was going to be in it or something, where I was just like, oh!

All right! Look at that! The ceiling on the day went up. I remember on my 18th birthday, my aunt cookie gave me a birthday card with a hundred bucks in it and i thought i thought it was so much money that when my mom asked how much it was i lied and said it was only 40 because i didn't want her to try and take her cut let me get a taste of that cookie let me get a taste of that cookie come on come on

come on you gotta pay to play sean i just wants of that cookie. Come on, come on, come on, come on. You got to pay to play, Sean. Mine just wants to wet her beak a little bit. Come on, let me take, I'll take that 10. I'll turn it into another 100. I can tell you right now, you're at cookie one at gambling. So what does it matter? Let me get, let me get a taste. If gambling was how many Benson and Hedges 100s can you smoke in one sitting?

She was the fucking Johnny Chan of ripping down Bensonenson and hedges 100s baby here you go sean here's a hundred dollars for your trouble sean thanks for coming over in many ways it is a gamble yeah in many ways it is a gamble uh baja blasting stores dude i think do you i feel like there were tense high level phone calls to make that happen Yeah. From adults that went to like 30 years of school probably where they were just like, do we or don't we? And there's like a pressure cooker. Somebody's probably sweating a bunch. Somebody at Mountain Dew is like, what can we give Mike Bell to get the BB in stores?

Yeah. The BB. We got to get BB in stores. Our numbers are flagged. We need to excite the base we have there hasn't been x games all year because of coven there was the other day the baja blast base i love the triple b i love that the blast base we gotta get the blast base excited i love the idea of like a father

home after work and he doesn't want to play with his kids because he's too stressed out about the triple B. Like, Jeremy, get the fuck out of here. Kevin just comes home and goes right to the garage and he's just working on blast solutions. It's like being married to a laptop. He wants to move it out of baja but then he loses a b and then there's not a couple b's can't do a maui blast it just doesn't have to be nobody wants the catalina blast nobody wants no you can't do a catalina but i can't do a fucking maui blast the pog guys are gonna fucking have my nuts in a vice. Listen, if Big Mountain Dew's listening,

I would absolutely drink a Catalina Blast or a Maui Blast. So if you want to make them, make them. I hope Big Mountain Dew's listening. We said so many nice things about them at the beginning of this podcast. We love you, Shane. The Big Mountain Dew? Mountain Dew-Doo. Oh, my God.

What's up? This is my buddy, the Big Mountain Dew. Stop it. The Oxnard Blast. This is my buddy. He's like a big 4,000 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew. The Oxnard Blast brought to you by Levity Live. Oh man.

I'm getting paid 250 bucks to do 90 minutes of the Oxnard Blast. It's local. Dude, my uncle tried to do the Oxnard Blast and shit his pants halfway through. That is the Oxnard Blast. I think he did the Oxnard Blast. Nailed it. It's when

in the Oxnard Blast you try to do anything else and shit your pants halfway through. You know, it's twisted. Sean, check this out. This is twisted. My uncle. So he did the Oxnard blast halfway through his pants.

And the twisted part is that when he took off his boxers, Joker face right where he looks like the Joker. Nobody who was present when they named Oxnard was like, are we sure? Yeah. This sounds like bull balls. We might as well be in this place. Bull balls, California.

Sounds like bull balls guys. We sure. I mean like, listen, I know we, we painted one sign and have we gone far enough that that's, that's it. We're not hearing any other suggestions.

We really want it to like roll off the tongue when somebody's screaming it outside of like a lowered civic window when they're cruising by by, telling everyone in the crowd where they're from. I want it to just roll out. It's on the beach. It goes in order. It's Santa Monica, Malibu, Oxnard, and then Santa Barbara. We're not worried that people aren't going to come visit Oxnard because Santa Barbara is right up the road.

Nobody else is worried about. Okay, if no one else is worried about that, that's fine. Once again, I still thought we'd just go with Bull Balls because then down the road we can have a Bull Balls blast. And there you go. The Bull Balls blast. And that's why you're head of marketing. That's how we got the job, folks.

It's a coconut-flavored Mountain Dew. It's a white sort of bone color. It's an ochre. It's a bone. We will get to Sean Jordan's first pick right after this break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing.

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insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to all fantasy, everything. The only podcast that has ever existed. The only podcast that is sponsoring the Bull Balls Blast Mountain Dew Feastival. Sean Jordan, you have the first pick in the things you would tell your younger self, All Fantasy Everything draft. What will that first pick be? I've brought it up before. There's been drafts where we've discussed this, but I think I would find myself at about, I'd find like 10-year-old me where I was first starting to comprehend things. things and i would say you walk up to him and he's like what's up cuh

yeah yeah i said forget about it and i'd grab and be like nah cuh you need to hear about this and i would say listen cuh with both ears go to the dentist every six months like you're supposed real simple really really painfully painfully simple your parents will pay for it oh my god i went i never went to the dentist as a kid either i did but i didn't go every six months i'll tell you that and i had braces like there was so much stuff i didn't do i don't want to get in other pics but i don't mom, it's not like she was actively like, nah, bro, you don't get to go to the dentist. We don't do that around here.

This ain't a dentist. You want to grow up being some kind of dentist-ass kid? I love a mom who's just like, nah, son. Like, actually said, nah, son, we don't get our teeth clean. I walk up with like a clearly impacted molar. Hey, Mark, can I go to the dentist?

Nah, son. Nah, son. It's just weakness leaving your body, Shawnee. I'll tell you this. I went so long, 15 years probably, without going to the dentist. I am now in the middle of a roughly $8,000 situation. I'm halfway through it. It's fine.

But it just sucks when you're old and you're like oh here's here's roughly 10 grand for what i probably could have just been taking care of this whole time so i would just do it it never hurts you think it sucks but it doesn't suck i don't know you're getting your teeth lowered and you're getting the neon kit put in right yeah that's the thing i get those his whole mouth is sponsored by NOS yeah dude you're getting the Mountain Dew Livewire teeth getting ready for race wars

dude I'm getting a platinum tongue so it's more like a luge for the Mountain Dew to get in there quicker because it gets caught in my taste buds a little bit I want to skip all that you should definitely upgrade your do luge you're getting two bazooka tubes where your tonsils used to be. I'm actually getting a catheter

put in through my mouth so I can pee out my mouth so it's Mountain Dew coming out both ways, bro. You should get reckless tattooed on your uvula. These are all things you can do with the dentist, kids, so it doesn't matter what kind of camp you're in. Go to the dentist. Just do it. It's so simple. go to the dentist just do it for the first time in 17 years yeah that's what i was thinking about when i picked this it was you with the little goggles on you did i need to i'm about

i need to make that appointment now i haven't been in about 10 you just gotta do it it's not that it wasn't as bad for me as it was for sean sounding it was like no it was very uncomfortable but it wasn't like i don't have a shit ton of cavities or anything i had to go get uh i've had seven fillings so far didn't hurt a bit i don't know the dentist her name's nicole she lives in portland she's amazing but i don't like i i think i just had a bad dentist the last time i went before this who really was not good and like didn't numb me up properly or whatever but if you get the proper person it's fine like it sucks getting a shot in your mouth but i'm sorry you're the one who said shot in the mouth and you could i want to go back and tell me when I was a kid that that's still funny.

I hope the exact laugh you made makes it through on an audio medium. Because you were like, shot in the mouth. And then. I felt myself. I had the words loaded up and I was like, don't laugh when you say this. You were both the kid in the front row of church and the preacher. It was crazy. These words felt like they were physical things

at a moment because I was like, well, you got to say them. You're thinking them. They have to come out. I could have just not said it. But anyway. Fish out in the mouth. You need to get that laughing gas so you just start screaming shane can pump and then that boy shane can so you're here for a crown yeah have him put me a shot in the mouth it don't numb that that's it take your fine ass to the dentist take your fine ass to the dentist tell a 10 year old-old Sean Jordan that.

Excellent advice. Now we travel back to Beaverton, Oregon, where there's a young Ian Carmel. Yeah. I'm going to go back to like an 8-year-old Ian Carmel. Okay. And I'm going to tell myself, hey, take a shot with girls. Just take a chance. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I had a version of that absolutely because you know oh man all the all the it you just nothing bad was going to happen

if you're just like hey you want to go out nothing was going to happen nothing yeah i'm conflicted because i do like the way i turned out and like i feel like maybe not spending a lot of time talking to girls was like a part of that but everything was so high stakes back then it seems so scary everything seems so fucking scary and so high stakes and like everything is terrifying and the notion of even like the how far a girl had to like hit on me this is more in high school because it never happened in grade school or middle school but like the amount of interest a girl had to show in me for me to like think it was worth taking the risk to reciprocate any interest was like insanely high oh yeah it was it was insane it was pretty expensive to get in the club yeah

for a while like an onlooker was probably like, dude, what are you go talk to that girl? And you're like, Oh no, she, no, she's probably not into it. And you're like, I'm telling you for sure,

for sure. She is. Yeah. And it's also like, I, cause I'm the same way. Like I had, uh,

yeah, there were, there's like, there's like women in high school who I had. That's the other thing. I had a chance, like looking back it was like yeah just kiss her just do it just go for it just don't don't do the thing right now where

you are willingly being like no we're best friends hoping that that means she'll fall in love with you and then you can kiss her yes where she'll make some like confession what a terrible plan oh why is that like why is that built in? Cause nobody taught you that nobody ever, there's no movie you ever watched. No shit ever told you that you were just like, that was going to work, but somehow you just assume me with girls was always like the way,

like an overly cautious person gets into a canoe. You know what I mean? When they're just like afraid to put any weight in the boat. And like, every time you end up in the fucking lake just like every time it's so clumsy taking a bath yeah it was never like try and be i never ever ever thought like oh i should try and like show this i should show my feelings be like i'm into you it was always like i'm going to become your best friend who you trust uh and then then you'll

love me when all these other guys break you into pieces emotionally and nope that she like two of those girls married that dude that i thought would yeah she's got a long road of getting broken yeah she's just starting what do you you're so right you'd just be in there just like watching them date other people while you're like pining for them and you're just like and you're fucking white knuckling it the whole time because you're like i love you so much yeah yeah i can't i'm so fucking afraid to say anything because i did it wrong it's so unhealthy it's so bad for you you don't you don't want to and you don't and you don't want to find yourself uh that that fucking like get that. This is a thing to getting almost into that feeling of like, I swear to God,

there's a slight drama of it. There's a, there's a slight amount of masochism in me where I almost like, or not anymore, but growing up, I was like, I want to be wounded. Like I would speak out women who I knew would fuck me up because I got at a

young age, accustomed to the feeling of being. Oh yeah. Well, there was a part of me that kind of wanted to be like a little sad boy. I was a little emo, listened to emo music and stuff, and I was more authentic if you're broken. And I remember a couple times, I think I missed all the little swings. Wait, what's the Mountain Dew for that?

What Mountain Dew would you have as a broken? I mean, that's a Code Red, right? Oh. Dude, that's a code red right oh dude that's a code blue uh i would let all my swing like i would not take any little swings and then they would just all build up in a mass into one giant swing i would take at some point like send a girl 30 roses on the last day of school or something and then they never call and you're like oh grand gestures out of nowhere that's like what if you would have ever said a word to her ever in school all four

years maybe she wouldn't have thought it was insane that you sent her 30 roses out of nowhere because you see like i always used to see like movies like can't hardly wait and stuff and i would think yeah that's how you do it you let everything build up and you have to just be absolutely drop dead in love with a woman then you tell them what's up and then they're like oh my god i never knew and then you and then you get married you know what is so fucking weird about that movie is that it's like it's pure amazing 100 teen comedy but like at the end he's like oh i gotta go i've got this workshop with kurt vonnegut like any like any of these fucking you know i mean like anyone who watches that movie's like oh with kurt the writer of

slaughterhouse five oh my god it's such an amazing novel but like like i gotta go i got this workshop with kurt vonnegut it's like dude you're fine get the fuck on that train get away from her get away i was gonna go read kurt vonnegut right after i punched, dude, you're fine. Get the fuck on that train. Get away from her. I was going to go read Kurt Vonnegut right after I punched my best friend in the nuts on the way to 7-Eleven after this movie. What a fun reference that definitely speaks to me, the guy watching this movie right now.

In theaters. Dude, I went and saw it. I had in my mind, it's funny, I'm talking about a very specific girl she to me looked like jennifer love hewitt in that movie so i even equated myself to that like i i really had a crush on a girl who i thought was that version of her to me it was just such a very specific reference that's also a moment where you want to if you were like an outsider and you be like get away from her she's gonna anchor you down here in the burbs bro yeah get out there you might

be the next fucking hemingway and we're gonna instead you're gonna live in champagne for the rest of your life you know all this shit is some screenwriter like self-soothing because he was also just like us i never took that shot and he's like she just would anchor you down interior was also just like us i never took that shot and he's like she just would anchor you down interior suburb house i'd love to see can't hardly wait to like the 10-year class reunion yeah yeah or 20-year i guess now she's just miserable because it's like i fell for a fucking note a note i let him pump three of his seeds into me and now he's just angry that no one wants to buy his novel about his about his 75 ford fairlane that he was driving around as a high school kid ford fairlane i don't even know what that was entirely in morrissey lyrics

that's a good that's an amazing pick of course sean patt for your first pick. Advice you would tell your younger self. All right, this one, let's go, hold up, I got it written down here. But I, this is a little bit of a serious one, but I would absolutely own, proudly own every single mistake from here on out. Oh, man, that's a great one. Just own it. Like, no matter what kind of bullshit you get in, what kind of trouble, what who gets mad at you, who, you know, like own it. Because I I did I was never I was a mischievous kid, but like I never did any like anything crazy. I never robbed a house or I never like but I did some fucked up shit, but I would always hide from it, run from it, lie about it, you know, blame it on someone else, do my best to get out of it.

And I realized all that energy, I could have just been like, yeah, I fucking did it. Yep, that was me. I stole my mom's car. I stole my mom's van, actually, and got caught driving it and pretended like it wasn't me, pretended like I had nothing. I didn't know. I abandoned it and pretended and pretend no it probably got

stolen that's not what happened it was it was pawnshatten yeah yeah what what did you do i stole i stole i stole my mom's van not stole i just took it well yeah stolen stole my mom's joy riding yeah joy riding and then uh got basically my mom did not know i fucking took her van so when she woke up and saw it was gone she assumed it was stolen uh and i got you must have been a good kid before that because my first thought would be like my son sean took it i guarantee it no that was no no i was i in essence she didn't call the cops but she called around looking for it looking to see if i had she probably called cookie aunt cookie you seen sean i wish she would have called Aunt Cookie.

No, she actually called my one friend who had like the cool mom who didn't rat me out but gave me like a notice like, hey, your mom is looking for this bed. They know. And I just abandoned it and went home and was like,

that's hilarious. I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't take it. And then like all the, like that was like a month of me lying to try and get out of it only to eventually be like yes okay fine it was me so it just like fractured my relationship with my parents just turned me into kind of like you know when you're a kid lying is something everyone does but when you get to a point where you're real when you're in your head

being like i'm lying too much about this i wish i could just uh there's a lot of moments like that growing up where it's like, just fucking own it. Just deal with it. Rip the bandaid off. It's never as big as you think it's going to be. Or it is, but you can still tough it out. My dad one time got all tore up and told me I could borrow the whip to

drive to a skate park in Fargo and took the whip the next day. That fucking sentence. I took next, next day. We're driving to fargo and i'm gone all day i get back it's like a five-hour drive or something i get back and he my dad is just beside himself and he this like he stayed sober for it you know he was upset so the whole day he's sober and everything i get home and he's like screaming at me about stealing his car he called the cops he had his landlord on the case and i was like dad you straight up told me to take it and handed me the keys last night and then it just

maybe five seconds go by and he's like yeah yeah man you sure did and then he got in the car and accused me of breaking his rearview mirror and i'm like dog you broke that i mean i don't know it's like you remember nothing that you did he's looking for anything at that point he'd be like what's this yeah i see my fucking seats back a little more than it used to be yeah i mean also when i when i was 16 i like straight up ratted a dude out for cheating because i was in love with the girl he was fucking with oh yeah and like and when and when i was confronted which he did confront me publicly about it, I completely pretended like I had no knowledge of it. And I kind of looking back, I kind of looked like the I'd look like the bitch.

I looked like the total like, no, man, I don't even know what you're talking about. I've never I've never said anything about what do you mean? And it was a humiliating, you know, high school. But if I could go back and just be like yeah i fucking told her because you're a piece of shit he probably would have beat my ass but i he already did beat my ass and i would have gotten like martyred ass beat instead of just sort of wuss ass beat and noble ass beating instead of like the yeah the the perceived audience kind of rooting for him still exactly because you know what i mean in your head we're we were like, oh, fuck.

Even though he cheated, he's the anti-hero. I turned him into an anti-hero by being sniveling. Yeah, exactly. Just own it. Be like, yep, I did it because I'm in love with her. And I should say it.

I'm like, I am because I'm in love with her. Did you hear me, Heidi? I'm in love with you. And then as I'm getting my ass beat. Yeah, I like that. Heidi. Take it, you know?

Yeah, dude. Fucking. You may not love me back, but you'll always know there's someone out there who respects you enough to tell you the truth. And at least you have that. Oh, man. And then you walk away and you have a leather Kurt Vonnegut jacket on. And she's like, oh, man, that's a dope jacket.

The Vonnies? I'm a member of them. I'm the leader of the Vonnies. I may not have my. I want you to have my heart heart and if the price is my dignity so be it i i did this hell yeah dude yeah so yeah own it give me a slaughterhouse five the handjob with sandpaper you know a lot of people aren't into it,

but I'll have a Sirens of Titan. That's when as you're eating my asshole, you shout the name of the child so humanity can live on forever. Sean Penn. You know what? I'm on a diet. I'm just going to have a time quake.

A time quake? This is where everybody finds out I don't know any Vonnegut novels, huh? It's a man without a country can I have a can I have a wait I'm gonna wait you just do whatever you want to my body I'm a man without a country

oh man I'm high I'm hungry as fuck can I get a breakfast of champions there we go there we go and so it goes and so it goes alright that's really all I got on it I mean that's a good one There we go. And so it goes. And so it goes. All right. That's really all I got on it.

I mean, that's a good one. We could do this all Mother Night, but I don't. I feel like we should move on with the draft. Yes. I like those long range jumpers. Lillard in Portland, at least at the time of this recording. Owning every mistake. I think that's great.

That's excellent. That would, that's excellent. That's advice I could use right now. Not right now, but just like every stage of life. That's good advice. David Borey, time for your first and second picks as it is a serpentine draft. Well, first pick, man, I would go back to myself around like 11 or 12 when I really started like getting off the porch and just like kind of my behavior started being an issue. And I would tell myself, whatever's happening, feel it now, like feel it now. Cause

it's gonna, you're not, you're going to swallow it. And then you're gonna, your behavior is going to be erratic for years and you're not going to understand it. And then in your mid th-30s you're going to have to go to therapy and you're going to watch riding in cars with boys and you're going to cry your fucking brains out on a tuesday just feel it man just feel it now it's tough sometimes you're not ready for those feel it i am i agree it's hard i like it's like it's like it will it's like's like been the biggest problem with me in my life is just the inability to like, and to not track and check in with myself how I actually feel about things. And it was like, when I was younger, like, I mean, fuck, when I was like, let's say it's

like 17 to 20, my behavior was insane. And it would, if I had just sat down and been like oh you're kind of sad that your family moved i would have saved me or oh that girl messed you up you're bummed about it it would have saved me so much so much like in poor behavior and legal fees and like just bullshit just feel it you have to feel it man when stuff happens, you got to just sit down and feel that shit. That's. Yeah, so real. So true. Yeah. Yeah. The amount of times I put my feelings last, like up until up until recently, even where I was like, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll deal with everything else. I'll like put like other people, other people's feelings above mine. And in doing so end up hurting their feelings.

Cause I never realized how I actually feel or like check in with myself. Cause you're not like, and I think especially as a young man, man, it's a young man for sure. It like not in college and you're just around a bunch of young, other young men and everybody's just all 20 year old dudes are crying all the time yeah all their behavior is just not tears coming out but they're

crying yeah it's all that it's all that like if i yeah it just would have been and like everybody i knew should have known that is just like i remember one time my buddy mike was turning 21 and i i'm i always put people above myself i'll do it till i die nothing i can do about it and there was one time there was a he was his birthday party so everyone was pulling me to come to his birthday party and then there was another group of people pulling me to go to a house party with my girlfriend at the time and they were they weren't even being that aggressive but i just went outside and i started like scream crying because i just didn't have anything anywhere for the emotion to go and my buddy micah came out i don't know if he'll remember this but

he came out and he's like dude it's all right you'll see mike again and then he just laughed he was just like he was like whoa it's just a couple parties dude it'll be fine but i was like it was years of doing that and it just comes out and you're like oh yeah really like about like how you can't make everyone happy and if you can't make everyone happy then they won't love you like you like that kind of thing like what's really happening inside yeah and you don't feel that stuff and like if you yeah if you could if you could just feel it in stages you'd be you'd fine you'd process it but it all comes flowing out as recently as a couple years ago it was like it's like why hey and why are you like smoking weed every day and not like and drinking like at night and like not taking care of yourself at all and like i'll like i didn't even

take a second to look at it and it was like oh you don't even you have anxiety and you're depressed you're anxious about everything except when you're eating or except when you're like getting stoned you know what i mean like turning everything off yeah if i get tore up it all goes flying out the window i'm like what i'd give a shit yeah that was the first that was the first therapy i ever had it was food and then booze you know what i mean like you just don't because you don't because you don't know because you weren't feeling it you know what i mean you're like this will make me this is good and oh it's cool if girl girls think it's cool when you drink they don't that much is not as much as you thought in 10th grade there's like a 21 to 24 maybe if you're

good at maybe where it's like oh look how wasted he is isn't that adorable i'm gonna and i don't know and i might be totally fucking wrong like Like there's women listening to this right now like, what? You're accurate. It is a short season. It is hood strawberries. It is an avocado that you cut open and left on the counter. That goes south so quick. When you bring that up, though, I know that window because there is like a couple years probably where you're in this pocket and people are like, whoa, you just don't care, do you? And it's attractive and it's appealing and then i did i carried that way of life way beyond where it was meant to be

carried and then you're like it's not it's not cute or attract or anything or appealing or anything unattractive now being wasted is super unattractive yeah yeah it's like not cute there are and we all we all know the person who's like oh you're still doing that at 32 it was me it was me too yeah okay good so it was all of us then yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i like that you said peter we all know as if it wasn't that was a good that was a clever ruse meaning we all know each other right yeah we were there we all know we're all on lineups with them we all saw all of ourselves everywhere we went we love that we all know that person i love that joke about the puppies in his asshole

we're all on podcasts with that guy right now right yeah each one of us is on a podcast with three of those guys yeah yeah yeah feel it man and that's that's also such a hard thing to try and like yeah because there's still that like machismo that like that macho like nah man fuck that why and it's like because look what you are look what you've become machismo and just the scared little kid of it all because it hurts what you are look what you pick up the machismo and just the scared little kid of it all because it hurts and there's a reason you don't feel it you don't want to feel yeah you don't want it but it's like it's just gonna be yeah i just now i've been really trying to be like diligent about that and it's just like not checking in with yourself because you i would

just be wiling bro i just be my behavior would be fucking insane and i would just be like yeah i guess i'm just like a wild guy i'm a wild boy i think the same stuff in the nature in my nature is not actually really that i was just like running running running no i used to do things and adam and i've talked to him about this where it's like i kind of thought that was me for a while i didn't i was like maybe i am like uh just like a crazy exhibitionist somebody who will just do whatever all the time and you know you're not you just act like that because it feels it's easier the the vig the interest the juice whatever you want to call it starts on pain right away right away you know what i mean right away what is vig it's the it's the juice the it's a new mountain dew it's mountain dew it's mountain dude yeah the big blast i always

thought it was the the feminine version of vin like vig diesel are you talking about i was kidding it's supposed to be like vig diesel like that's the that's the feminine prone or whatever for vin i thought you meant vim viv and vigor v vin or your v vig you know wow dude i don't know big diesel that's like uh my aunt big you know yeah oh my god Aunt Vic. Aunt Vic. Let that one just sit in. That's a satisfying one right there. I love it.

That was like having your back cracked. You're like, yeah. Also, before I get to my second pick, side note, Riding in Cars with Boys is an incredible movie. I'm going to watch it. I've never seen it. I'll watch it. Oh, my God. That shit fucked me up. But yeah, go check it out. All right. in cars with boys is an incredible movie i'm gonna watch it i've never seen it oh my god that shit fucked me up but yeah go check it out all right do it feel it now that's my first one

it's not quibby do you have your second pick uh my second pick is another one that would have just saved me a lot of like time in finding myself i would have gone to myself at like 17 right when i started like really like being like realizing i was like as strong as a man yeah and uh i would tell myself hey tough guys aren't very cool yeah like dog it is such a limited way of seeing and behaving in the world it cuts off so much shit it's not you you're not like that it's like that shit is like i just like i used to like diminish myself in the like you know what i mean like i'm like outgoing and boisterous and shit like that but i had like two three years where like unless you really really knew me you would have thought i was like a quiet guy because it's like trying to be behind.

Yeah. Like just because it's like. You were Nate dogging. Yeah. I mean, it's like in like so much of that shit I look back on now. I thought it was like by no means was I a criminal, but I thought it wasn't cool to be in pictures. I thought it was like soft. So now I don't have any pictures of me when I was 20 because i just wouldn't like people like when myspace came

out people would take pictures at parties and i go like this like just like weird shit just like weird setting it was like setting i put myself in this weird box and had all these things that i couldn't do and then ultimately you grow older and you're like that shit isn't even cool tough guys are repressed well and then it even gets down to like hey man you want an ice cream cone and you're like fuck that and you're like yeah of course i do there's foods you don't want i don't want to drink a margarita like what are you talking about yeah i don't want it i don't i don't want to eat pussy yeah yeah exactly i don't want to perform titillatus i don't want to eat popsicles next to my friends like what are we where are the where is the line dog well dude i used to think there was that like wearing a jacket is soft i had a period where it's like no i don't

wear i don't wear coats and you're like what it's like it's all these random man rules i remember west van horn i was talking to him one time and we were like we went to like a fast food place or something and he was like yeah my dad always said straws are for pussies i bet you my dad would still be saying that if he was alive why are we living like that i mean and that bleeds over into like when you're like out drinking or you're out and there's the guy who's like dude do a shot and you're like i don't i don't want to do a shot like fuck don't be a pussy and you're like how does this make me weak because i'll tell you what you do your shot and you're like i don't i don't want to do a shot you're like fuck don't be a pussy and you're like how does this make me weak because i'll tell you what you do your shots and then i won't and then challenge me at anything and i will defeat you exactly anything except crying to a tim mcgrath song that's the one thing you got me on

not the one time don't take the girl let it out out. Yeah. Tough guys. Aren't cool. Except for the undertaker. Yeah. I mean, they're, they're cool in movies. It's like cool in theory. Really cool. In real life.

Tough guys. Aren't cool. And there's nothing cool about it. Come on. There's just, you're just really for no reason. Limiting yourself to the diversity of the human experience. I'm doing like standup about this right now.

So I, I'm, I'm not trying to hack myself, but like, you're just closing off so much of the world to yourself by by being a man you know it's so stupid yeah all some of the best things are for girls and we can have them too or we're like maybe you look good in purple bro maybe you look good in purple i just got a brand new pink polo yesterday in the mail Pink as the day is long I'm so excited to wear it How, how, for how long

Did we not let ourselves get manicures and pedicures? I didn't go until you took me In Tacoma That shit is nice Yeah, it was real dank, dude Some people don't like having their feet touched And that's okay, but like The calf rub

Just getting people who know what they're doing Come on Hot stones, man on hot stones man hot stones all the time sometimes i like to get my ears waxed because i grow hair out of yeah and and anyone who thinks that's like oh that's soft i'm like yeah i know it's soft having the hair ripped out of your flesh on your ears on your ear flesh that's as gnarly as it gets oh my god that makes you shut it bro it it hurts so bad but in that way where you're like yeah do it again you're gonna have to in two years yeah yeah

get it out i go to i go to this these old russian ladies in in new york and one of them says this every time they're not delicate i bet oh but she's like your hair it's fight back still thank you thank you because apparently if you get your shit waxed regularly it we the hair eventually starts to get weaker and not as strong and then it stops growing but she's like your hair it's better it's fight back still it's like rocky balboa. I'm like, thank you. Thank you for saying Rocky in that accent. That's a little Rocky Balboa. That's kind of a self-esteem booster. I would feel good about myself because of that. Yeah, dude.

The surprise in her voice. Because you know she sees some fucking hair. Yeah, she's seen it. She knows. Yeah, exactly. There's no tough guy who would admit to getting his ears waxed even though it's painful it's collective pain yeah yeah that would be hard sean patton time for your second pick well this one actually kind of piggybacks slightly on what david just said but uh i would tell myself to actively try to not be cool at all times because,

because fuck cool. Like that's, it's, it's what you're saying about tough guys. I also feel like you get this idea of what being cool, being like socially cool and everybody pays so much attention to what cool kids are doing. And you're almost pressured even by parents and like, not my, I mean not parents necessarily, but it feels pressured by society itself. Like be cool. Hang out with the cool kids. Be one of them. and like not my i mean not parents necessarily but it feels pressured by society itself like be cool hang out with the cool kids be one of them like they are not cool what they actually are all

about the cool kids it's dog shit it's they're not interesting they don't actually most of them don't ever leave the suburb that they grew up in they marry each other and they just force their kids to be cool and it's like i'm not saying things wrong with that. I'm just saying like, if you're an individual, cool is the destroyer of individuality. And I even say that now, like the moment something becomes cool, it immediately, it decreases value in my opinion. Like cool just makes it all.

Everybody now wants to do it. Everybody wants to pick it apart. Everybody's trying to replicate it. Everybody. And everybody by doing that is denying themselves any individuality yes and like it's so true and i it's not like i was a cool kid coming up but i was definitely like cared a little bit too much about what like the socially elite or whatever we're up to and like getting invited to like that party where you're like oh

sweet i'm going to holy fuck i get to go to heather mancuso's birthday party or holy shit i get to go to fucking uh lee matthews uh lee matthews after homecoming party and it was like who gives a shit what just do your thing be you i mean mancuso and matthews those are two bad examples because even to this day that party rips dude that's like come on i like now they're a law firm and you can't you don't find a better christmas party matthews yeah those were actually two uh decent people i grew up with i don't they're both actually cool i can't remember any of the fucking cool yeah yeah exactly i went to a party one time we didn't get to go to a ton of those like cool high school parties i went to a handful

but one of them we went to. The kid opened the door. His name was Mike. He opened the door. He ended up being a door guy. It's funny because he opened the door and he's like, what's up? I was like, what do you mean what's up? I'm at the fucking door to the party.

What do you mean what's up? He's like, hold up. He shut the door and he asked if it was cool and they said no. Then he opened the door back. He's like, can't come in, man. I was like boy that was like that probably turned into like me drinking a bottle 10 years later one night where i was like drink the whole bottle dude i like it probably just you know well you're not looking back like why would you want to fucking hang out with those fucking

but it's like you just but you do you just you do because that's who those are the tastemakers at the time and that's you know it just in your world that's where you need to be but then i you know then i obviously was no worse for wear but it was just one of those like ouch and then trying to be cool on that walk back to the car where it's like i don't know i mean i don't care bro were you just by yourself i can't remember i might have been with a couple kids adam might have been there um i always mess up these details me and 13 dudes and we had just gotten back from a skateboarding sleepaway cams adam's not scared to let me know when i mix up stories so i'll i'll uh fix it if i do but i'm pretty sure it was me

and adam anyway well i mean like like david was saying too, like, well, you have that, that you don't feel anything for a long time. And then you just have this burst, this wave, this tsunami of emotion. I felt the same way with like, like personality. I felt like as a kid, if I'd have allowed myself just to be myself, I would have been a healthier, like I was trying so hard to fit into this box that around like 18, just kind of all burst and this like flood of who I was Came to the forefront and at first it was too much Like even I couldn't handle it the way I was the shit I was into Who I you know the way I talked the way I just want to naturally be almost felt like I'm a fucking lunatic

I don't deserve friendship. I don't deserve shit because I'm clearly, look at me. I'm a fucking freak. I'm a weirdo. And I couldn't process it all. And it took a few years for me to be able to, like, accept who I was. And thank God I had comedy to start eventually and filter that through. But I know a lot of people don't. So it's like, you know, like, if I'd have been able to, like, process who I was at 13 instead of trying to hide it and then it all.

And I'm not like I'm this fucking weird out there guy. I'm just me. No, I feel you. You know what I mean? And to like in Slidell, Louisiana in the late 90s, me was definitely a little bit like, what? Okay, bro. Where's your khakis and your Adidas Sambas and your Nautica polo style shirt? You're not wearing that?

Get the fuck out of here, you fucking loser. It's right under my Joker makeup, dude. What? Yeah. Right under my Joker makeup. That's where I keep all that shit. Right next to my JNCOs. It was weird being like a big fat kid in high school because I almost felt like I couldn't

be rejected like i was so pre-rejected by it i almost didn't take it personally being cool you know what i mean it was like well i can't i can't participate in the society anyway so i almost just have to like i i never tried to be cool but but in a way that because i was well no not good but in a way, because I was, well, no, not good, but in a way, because I was just like pre-rejected from that society just by being like a big fat dude where I was like, no one wants to date me anyway, probably, is what I thought. I don't fit into these clothes anyway. Like Abercrombie was a huge thing.

And that was like kids my age, shirtless. They did not have clothes. I don't think they had past a shmedium, dude. Bobby shmedium? Sam Talent, they kicked him out for asking to try on a shirt at the Park Meadows Mall. Get out of here, Sam.

It was funny. It was to be funny, but it probably hurt. Dude, I felt I played football, so i got to go to like a lot of those parties but like i always felt like a little bit like a court jester you know what i mean where i was like i'm here for a different reason than a lot of you wait wait left tackle left tackle yeah defensive tackle yeah yeah blindside oh yeah just just so just so i mean i gotta i gotta throw this story out there real quick like Ian back when you were in your puffier stage

I mean there was a time Ian and I were I mean there's two versions of there's two different stories one of them is you and I were at what's that one Portland Gentleman's Club Union Jacks we're at Union Jacks Ian We're at Union Jacks.

I think you were there too, Sean. We're just drinking and having fun. And some dude bumps into Ian walking by and is like, sorry, man. And Ian's like, cool, bro. And he's sitting down. And the guy seemed to become incensed that Ian wasn't mad now. He's like, I said I'm sorry, dude. And you were like,

yeah, man, I'm good. Yeah, no worries, man. And he was like, I said I'm fucking sorry, dude. And you were like, yeah, yeah, man, I'm good. Yeah, no worries, bud. And he was like, I said, I'm fucking sorry. And then you like stood up and you saw this guy. He's like, whoa, just become humbled. And you just kind of like put your hand on his shoulder like, it's all right, bud. And he's like, yeah, I know, man. I'm just a dumb, dumb. Sorry about that.

It's just immediately like, oh, this guy's 6'4". I love that. I remember i remember that yeah you're right it's all right i'm sorry i'm just a dummy he did he wanted to pick a fight that was so weird but then he usually people do want to pick fights with like a big dude but he was like he realized he didn't want to once he was like oh this guy's bigger than i even thought he was well another time was that i want to say this was 2013 maybe-ish at Bridgetown. I was hammered, and it was at the after party. It was at that upstairs space.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right? Bossa Nova. Bossa Nova. Bossa Nova. And I came downstairs because there was a food truck, and I realized, like, wait, I'm not actually hungry. And when I tried to go back in, the bouncer was like, sorry, man, you're too trashed. And I was like, what are you talking about?

I probably was. But I feel like... That day you uh you fell off the wagon that day oh yeah that was also the day i stopped drinking for like a month before that but i remember i was fucking waxed and like and then you walk up and i'm like they won't let me back in you're just like stand behind me and you just i just stood behind you and like snuck back in behind you as you like talk to the guy provided like you're like hey man like your name was on a list or something i just shot past i was like jesus christ i just hid behind him and it worked we could not have you at a fucking bridge town after party that was that was a public service that bossa nova man that year you don't remember

it you bought me a beer that year. That was my first Bridgetown. And you just came up and you were like, hey, man, you're doing the festival. And I didn't know anybody. And I was like, yeah. And you were like, here, you want a beer? And you bought me a beer. And then I didn't see you again until like two days later, I saw you at the Baghdad.

And you were like, I've just been buying new comics beers all weekend. Nobody ever bought me beers. Nobody ever bought me beers. Nobody ever bought me beers. It meant a lot, too, because your first Bridgetown, I had only been doing comedy for like a year and a half. So it's very intimidating because everybody feels like they know everybody. And I was just an open mic-er, so I was just standing by myself at a lot of bars. The first Bridgetown was hard.

Yeah, man. Be that kind of cool. Be that was hard yeah man be that kind of cool be that kind of cool not that kind of cool kind of cool because also like being like a lot of people would argue like well because you had struggled with all this shit younger you became who you are now or we became who we are now you're a better person because but but i think that even being yourself at the earliest age possible does not mean you are going to avoid pain and avoid struggle. You're just going to go through a better version of it. You're going to go through a version where you're a little more honest and

real about what's going on and you'll come out of it better, you know, then you'll, but you'll still get, you'll still get your fucking ass kicked. You'll still get picked on. You'll still get hurt. You'll still get made fun of.

You'll still do dumb shit but you'll do it on a on your terms yes you know and and avoid the parts where you're like i just want to fucking bash my head into this wall until i cease to be so instead of that i'm just going to find a bottle of jameson to do it with instead right i'm gonna do it the slow way yeah and then you know and then call my ex-girlfriend and just ask if i can eat her butt and i mean and if you do that almost politely that's not a text that's a phone call for sure that's a phone call time for my second pick my second pick is one that hits close to home now again i have to say i am grateful for who i am now like incredibly grateful i'm grateful for everyone i was

i had depression and anxiety and all that stuff of course everybody does to an extent i wish i would have lost the weight even earlier and again i was so grateful for uh i'm very grateful for who i was i loved myself and everything like that but simply for health reasons simply for health reasons not and not just health reasons but also like i mean there's nothing wrong with being fat but society is not set up to maximize life for people who are like overweight and i was pretty fucking fat and i just wish i was like i wish i would have done it when i was younger when like i like it would have been easier on my joints it would have been easier on my like circulatory system it would have been easier on me on like my heart figuratively too not just like the literally thing like it would have been nice to have been a

little less fat like in my 20s so i could have done more of that like 20s shit you know do you feel like you didn't do a lot of 20s shit i don't i don't know i don't i i do a little bit i feel well not i was in my late 20s and like and 30s and everything like that i definitely started making up for lost time when i realized it wasn't as big of a barrier as i once thought it was this is mostly for health reasons i like i don't know what it was like i talk about this a lot with my mom and it was like well you have to do it when you're ready and that's very true like there has to be a lot of stuff yeah when like you're ready to finally do it was like, well, you have to do it when you're ready. And that's very true. Like there has to be a thing when like you're ready to finally do it. But like I wish for health reasons I would have been ready earlier.

And I wish I would have understood how simple it is to do when you finally want to do it. It's not easy, but it's simple. You know, there's not all these tricks to it. Like for some people there might be, but like I w I would go back and I'd be like, go through this process now and it'll be so much better for you in the long run. Yeah. Like maybe a 25 or something like that.

I don't know. That's a very personal one. That's hard to, it's like hard to get like talking about it, but like, I don't know. I wish I would have done it like a little bit earlier now i'm like i'm like healthy and everything and like thank god for that but

like you know it would have been it would have been nice to start that process even earlier yeah yeah that's a big fat dude yeah yeah man i mean you talked something you said earlier like you talk because you talked about being big in high school and like you kind of felt like a jester you know like yeah yeah yeah because i was i was rotund as well and like i one one time i was smoking weed with three of my friends in the backyard not i i didn't think my parents were home and i went inside to get a carton of five alive remember that stuff yeah i remember that yeah yeah dude what is no what's five juice it's like a fruit juice yeah just five different juices in one five and to drink it's like orange pineapple apple grape and cranberry all together or something to make a juice cocktail and my

fucking dad and i walk into the kitchen my dad is home and i just didn't realize it but he didn't realize we were out back high as shit and my dad was rotund as fuck for a long time so i came back outside i was like guys we got to go fat timmy's inside my dad's name's fat timmy's here my friends thought it was so fucking hilarious they started calling me fat timmy and then after high school a girl i'd hung out with numerous times was like i didn't know your name was sean i thought your name was timothy and your friends just called you fat i called you fat timmy i was like yeah i was i was fat timmy for two years yeah you let yourself be fat timmy yeah and you like hi my name is sean also known as fat timmy yeah i think you're so i don't know if this was the case with you but

on some level you're so desperate for validation and acceptance that you'll take it on any terms even if it means debasing yourself completely you know like and i definitely did that in like in comedy right exactly oh my god and now it's like such a it's a it's fun and it's an interesting journey to now have all the tools but to try to like figure out how to do that without like fucking you know what i mean it's like trying to be quarterback without letting yourself get sacked every other play doing it right it's so much harder than doing it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and you can still debase yourself but like you know not all the time uh anyway losing the weight now that's i

would go back and i would tell myself to do that a little bit earlier. And that could be any health concern that you should be trying to address. Like get to it, get to it as soon as you can, you know? Um, yeah, dude, Sean Jordan,

time for your second and third picks. I'd go back to a 20 year old me for my second pick. And I would say, uh, 20 year old me, I would say, use your money to pay your bills first is what I would say

because I had no problem using my money but it was to pay my bills last and you know a couple times one time specifically it bit me where like everybody at the crib gave me the money for the water bill fools I tell you gave me the money for the water bill

man that's the worst yeah because i you know we're like it's the first crib so we're like all right sean's got water kershman's got like cable or whatever adam's got uh you know heat and um wait was it was these things all equally priced in this in kind of i don't we're knuckleheads man so they gave me they gave me all the water bill money i drank it all up with the quickness and then months a couple months go by and then they shut the water off i mean i woke up i think i woke up to go to work and the water was shut off and i was like oh dog adam was already at work and i remember i wanted to get it back on before anybody knew that it had been shut off to obviously to save myself the humiliation so i went i had to

go down to like the sioux falls water building or whatever and pay it in person and they're like all right it'll be on in like an hour or two or whatever and which is such it's like just turn it on how much was it 300 bucks you know i don't know but you had it you had it at the time i had it at the time and it was all i had but i went and paid it. And then I got home to Adam. I think he was coming out of the house and he's like, what the fuck, dude? And he's like, there's no... And I went and turned it on and I was like, see, it's on. He goes, it doesn't matter.

It wasn't. And I don't know how long it was off, but that's my money that you took and did not pay this bill. And I was just... My head was in the sand. I was just like, you loser. Because that was it, you know? And the thing is, like, people know roughly how you're doing in like a Sioux Falls.

They're like, I know Sean doesn't have the kind of money he's out spending. What money is he spending? That kind of thing. Oh, fuck. They do. Yeah. Like, how's he at the bar? You know, how's he footing tabs and stuff?

And then, like, you know, like, my cell phone bill is always behind. Up until, like, two years ago cell phone bill is always behind up until like two years ago my bill was behind every single month i would just pay the overdue portion and it's like so anyway i would go back and um use the money that i make to pay the bills that need to be paid then you know i have disposable income for you know for the rest of my shit two things two things here one i like the idea you go to the sioux falls water board and the guy's like all right we'll turn your water back on by the way do you know any girls we don't there's no there's no women in this town do you know any and secondly i love the idea of like bill roulette every month with your

mates. You just put a different, like you draw from a hat like this month. Fuck, I got electricity. Like I got gas. And then something. I got Wi-Fi. That's fun. Like the water bill is like the big one.

13 bucks every month. I got up to use the bathroom. Ian shrunk into a kitty. I shrunk into a kitty. You lost the weight. A lot of weight. I lost even more weight. They do that, man.

The kitties will hop right up into a warm chair like nothing. They love it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I remember one time, was it Kenny? I forgot who the fuck I did a show in Sioux Falls with. And we went to a bar afterwards. Tommy Jack's, I imagine. And we were getting just fucking mean mugged by all these

locals and at one point I wish I could remember who it was but I can't now and they were like yeah because we're talking to the five girls in this city right now oh man that's dark there's girls there there's girls

my mommy my aunt Lynn third pick i would keep a close eye closer or even an eye a wandering eye for that matter on my credit i didn't i mean to to keep any sort of hint of an eye on my credit would have been more than i did so just that's a little thing i would tell again like 20 year old me be like hey man just care a little bit and it kind of goes hand in hand with what i was just saying but um you know eventually it's gonna matter it's hard to think 20 years in the future when you're a young rambunctious 20 something but it happens you get to be 20 years in the future too as it mattered then you just didn't move like that yeah i mean just they didn't do crap i swear to god the first

crib we got the dude he like he was in he was showing us the house gave us a little tour i made some joke about like how he's something about no pets and i was like god kershman he pisses on the floor anyways it's not a pet you got to worry about guy laughed and he's like you guys seem like all right dudes no credit check nothing had a, nothing, had a sign. I was like, you fool. And we just signed on. And that was the first house. So credit didn't really come into play. That was oddly, that was the only lease I've ever been on in my whole life to this day.

That was the only lease I've ever signed. Technically, I'm on. I did sign one now here. I forgot a couple of months ago just because now we're like trying to get a home loan but yeah for 20 years that was the only lease i'd ever been on pretty much government just never knowing where you are you're going from cia black side to cia black side they can suck my butt dude they're never gonna find out that's why i call that the cia blast so yeah that's third pick for time's sake i am uh oh man that's fucking funny yeah i will say this is insane i will say this in defense of credit and it's the only thing i'll say it you can you can get it back up you can i got it back

up but it just at least they let you get it back up yeah it takes it takes a year or two and money yeah you can do it it's doable and it's not insane you they'd like if you really want to do it you can do it but it's funny the kind of person who has terrible credit like myself you have not lived your life in a way where you're going to want to switch it immediately into being like well no, no, I don't want to spend my money on that though. I want to buy shoes. And they're going to be like, you can't buy shoes. Did you have terrible credit or no credit? Like, well, it was no credit. I've never had a credit card until a couple of years ago, but my student loans made it terrible credit because I never paid them. I never paid them. They ended up just falling off. that that'll really get you but

and when you get that credit card when you get the first credit card anyone listening it is not free money no boy have i gone that route with every credit card i'm like what's the limit cool so you're telling me i have two thousand extra dollars i swear that's what i heard it's expensive or money yeah wow good god yeah i on my credit i really fucking this one i lean hard into dude because i fucked my credit hard in my 20s and i did not have a credit card in my 30s a decade credit card less debit onlybit only, baby. That's why I had to always rent cars from Alamo. Yeah. You gotta bring mail or they gotta

call the hotel. Exactly. You gotta show them your fucking flight information. Yeah. You can only rent from the airport. Exactly. And then like a few years ago, I got a couple, or two years ago, I got my first credit card in years and then had a bill. And like now my credit's decent, I got a couple or two years ago, I got my first credit card in years and then had a bill.

And like now my credit's decent. But good God, dude, a decade of just being like, sorry, I you don't take debit. So many times you're in a hotel and you're like, I just I'll put the incidentals on my debit card. And they're like, that shit is so embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Yeah, it is. That's happened so many times to me yeah by the way i on your credit so weird dude like yeah credit's fucking nuts uh

they when i when you i bought i bought a house this last year and they go back and look at like 15 years they go like back and they're like 15 years they're like why was it why was it this at this point why was it this at this point? Why was it this at this point? And like, they give you a chance to explain it. And there are people what's weird to me is I always thought it was just a set system. And if it was like above this,

you're fine. If it's below it, you're fucked. But it's like, if you can explain why your credit was like 500 when you were like 26, if you, if you're like, yeah,

my student loans were fucked and i was getting into comedy and i was like either i'm gonna make it or i'm not and if i'm not i'll be fucked and if i make it fine and then they're like oh great so you made it and you're like yes a little bit and they're like fantastic here's a million dollars to buy a house or whatever the fuck it is you know what i mean like yeah that's the thing I just had to send in like last two years of taxes and then current bank statement. And they're like, okay,

so you're, you're doing okay now. And I was like, I was not up until now, but yeah, I'm all right now. I can afford a mortgage payment and we have a call on Tuesday. Maybe they'll shatter my world,

but so far it seems all right. But they give you a chance to explain it, which is, yeah, I feel like I'm defending credit way too much. Fuck credit. But fuck credit but like uh all right time for my third pick on my third pick get detention like once oh my god now okay we got detention did you get it a ton or you never got it never i was such a little goody two-shoes i lived in detention yeah i stayed in trouble i had time there at detention every day dude i was i wasn't like a class clown i never got in trouble i missed class a lot when

i was in middle school like i missed school just in general i called in sick and stuff like that but i net when i was there i was a model citizen and i never got in trouble i never got detention i was i i guess i liked being a good kid but i was also so afraid of consequences but i just tell you man across the board i asked my mom if i could sneak out one night i feel like i've told the story on here before but i was like in middle school and my friends used to sneak out and proper sneak out and they would just walk around they would just go out and walk around and it would be nine and they would like walk around the suburbs and get into mischief and i asked my mom if i could join them one night i said mom can

i sneak out and she let me sneak out so you just walk out the front door and i walked out and luckily one of my other friends called me that night at like nine and she would have like noticed i was gone because she worked nights or something like that or she would have been asleep because she was working like crazy early anyway there was a thing that would have tipped her off but uh so it was a good thing i asked but sure yeah i had to get permission to sneak out i was that much of a scared and now i look back and i'm like it would have been fun to get into like some kind of fucking mischief. Yeah. Well,

you watch movies and shit. You watch movies and it's like detention looked interesting when in reality, detention was the detention and ISS. I had a ton of both of those. I had so much ISS. I used to hate in school. It was the most. That shit is jailed.

All they did was make you bored. They were just like, yeah, like be, be bored all day instead of, and it gets to the point where you're like, can you please give me some schoolwork? And they're like,

nope, you have nothing. And you just sit in there. I'd color my shoes. It was just staring at the wall all day. It wouldn't let you sleep. Cause you'd run out of your homework like quick. Yeah.

I was closer to the international space station than I was to in-school suspension. I was such a goody-goody. I didn't want to beat somebody up. I don't even know what you got detention for. But I was just afraid of it. You know what I mean? I lived a little too buttoned up, I think. Oh, yeah.

I got a afraid of it. You know what I mean? I lived a little too buttoned up, I think. Oh, yeah, dude. Well, just that, yeah, like, I got a lot of detention, but it was never... If beating someone up is the KO of getting a detention, I got the TKO of detentions, or, like, the submissions, where it's like, oh, I got a detention for falling asleep in class again, or for not turning in a fucking paper. Like, it was that kind of shit,

where you'd be like, you're gonna get detention if you don't turn it in. I'm like, fine. Like, but it was that kind of shit like you're gonna get detention if you don't turn it in like fine like but it was never anything cool like oh man this guy lit up a cigarette in homeroom nothing like that you know dude this kid this kid snapped off some so he had pepper spray and he just pulls it out we're in the back of the class he's like check it out i was and i was i think i even said like don't you do that and he just he went like just barely but the teacher was like deathly allergic to it so she had to go to the hospital and i think he got expelled it was just one of those where he like whoa dude because she was like she almost died and it was just like like that but it was like just hit her she it was insane but yeah that dude the kids the stuff that kids can do but boggles it's just

like we used to try to organize walkouts we used to there were i mean like ruthless but yeah we used to all that like once once every six months we'd be like no jared jared got suspended we're not having that we try to organize a walkout and like really never work uh no it dude every time i'd show up i probably did this four or five times i'd show up they'd be like we're meeting at the gym soda machines at like two and i was like good all right fuck the world let's roll i'd get up out of class walk out of class i did this twice i didn't do this every time but i got up and walked out without saying anything went to the soda machines there's like five or six teachers three kids and they're like all right

you guys let's all go to the office because of course the adults know what you're doing you think they can't hear you to do it yeah anyway i thought you're gonna say all your friends who want to do the walkout were like but wait all the girls are at school no all three of them all three girls are here though uh that's my third pick sean patton time for your third pick oh dude this is a this is a All three girls are here, though. That's my third pick. Sean Patton, tell me your third pick. Oh, dude, this is a double prong. Try everything, but never, ever touch a fucking cigarette.

Just don't do it. Ah! Yeah. Ever. Oh, yeah. Not worth it. That'll get you, man. Ever. Also, small window of it being attractive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of which it is kind of for a second never smells good or anything but there is a period of someone's life where you can look at them if they're smoking and it does look cool it looks cool i never had it i never as kids it's insane though like yeah yeah if you see a kid now smoking you're like oh no yeah yeah and i think about all the times i smoked it's like every time it's like i was never i never needed a cigarette but i would smoke it's like that's so i started smoking like 14 and just like yeah i did too i'd steal my dad's and yeah smoke them in middle school and then

you know i went for years didn't and then i started when i was like 20 i don't know at a weird age because just because that's all my friends that was like this is cool and then i started when i was like 20 i don't know at a weird age because just because that's all my friends that i was like this is cool and then it ain't yeah dude it's just gross back on like yeah those years like especially like do what you got to do i'm not ripping on anyone for smoke and figure it out but you know eventually you'll wish you hadn't not ripping on you for ripping butts bro but just straight up yeah like it's not. It's like all the shit that still to this day I still feel the effects of from fucking cigarettes, man. And like the long term, it's just none of it's worth it. And it's nasty.

And like I used, if you have obsessive compulsive disorder like myself, you're going to put too much stock in camel smoking camel lights only then that's just gonna get weird it's gonna get weird when uh uh you you make your friend drive to two more gas stations because all they have is because they don't have they don't have camel red lights specifically you smoke parliaments bro nothing else you're like or these are two bucks and they're at the gas station. I'm at no bro. Parliament's man. They got that little hole in them for where the war vets used to do cocaine out of you.

They make people always made up all these stories about cigarettes. Oh yeah. The holy hole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like that with a blue diamond almond. What if I just get you these Costco almonds?

Uh, you can throw them away and go get me some blue diamond ones right after that. That's exactly what the fuck you can do. Dude, I had myself convinced that night would be worse if I smoked specifically Marlboro lights like everyone else. That's great. I need my camel red lights. Yeah, it was ridiculous.

Then that eventually turned into American Spirits, but the light blue pack, not the yellow pack. Gotta go blue, man. It was always, yeah, it was ridiculous and and then that eventually turned into american spirits but the light blue pack not the yellow pack gotta go blue man so it was always yeah it was ridiculous but like also just the amount of times like i'd wake up in the morning hungover or afternoon hungover and be like oh god i feel awful i'm still gonna smoke a fucking cigarette yeah and just magnify this awful feeling but that's what i do because i i love it right i'm addicted just avoid good call i love it yeah that's a that's a practical one yeah yeah david borick time for your third and your fourth pick uh third pick oh trust yourself i would go back and tell myself to fucking trust myself so many situations i got myself into are because somebody

else who was more confident said so and i knew it was bad or whatever i just like just a lot of like not trusting myself like i know when i'm feeling bad i know when i think something is a terrible idea you know what i'm saying but like just not having the self-esteem or whatever to be like oh this guy's older he's confident or whatever and you just end just you just end up in a lot of really tough spots right right listen to your gut listen to your instinct yeah like it's like it's there no when he's calling for you listen to your heart when he's calling for you listen to your heart but also don't take the girl those are yeah two two solid pieces don't take the girl don't take the squirrel don't take the pearl do take the squirrel not zipper's first album if you like a fun jazzy time you're one of the main reasons i believe in myself now both of you sean you too but um i see these

two gentlemen more than i see you but i i have uh always had notoriously low confidence and it's taken something like this to be like no you're you're good at what you do you know that's just it's hard to do sometimes so yeah that's a great thing to tell shut up you nerd nobody wants to hear that. Oh, the other N-word. What? Yeah. Nerd. The other N-word. We're rebranding the word nerd. It was a big campaign in the 90s. It was after Got Milk.

A lot of people forgot about it. That guy, it was a heat check. It was definitely a heat check by the Got Milk guy. Dweebs. I like dweebs a lot. Dweebs is what we should call boobs yeah dweebs like the honk them dweebs you understand what i'm saying oh yeah you're a dweeb honker from way back oh hot dweebs hot dweebs babe the dweeb site the dweeb site dude she had the hottest dweebs hot dweebs babe the dweeb site the dweeb site dude she had the hottest dweebs bro oh man 36c dweebs bro 36d dweebs it up dude i'm a dweeb guy i'm a butt guy and a dweeb guy i'm a dweeb guy double dweebs uh david we will get to your fourth pick right after this short break. to by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could, let me just take you

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you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code ALLFANTASY at schedule35.co.co that's 15 off at schedule 35.co and use promo code all fantasy hi we're back hi welcome back to all fantasy everything sorry oh what's up oh sorry uh david oh my god what's your next pick oh oh man this would have saved me a lot nothing good happens at 4 a.m there it is like bro go to bed go home do what you got to do to not be out moving around at four the amount of times that i was like i was like well if there's something going on i need to be a part of it i can't possibly go home if these two strangers who i just who i met 20 minutes before the bar closed if they're going to another stranger's house i have to be there i have to be there i can't not be there if i'm not there what's gonna happen yeah and then you just end up like in an

attic doing drugs like in some shitty bar in north beach i got out of bed recently not recently a few years like three four years ago just at the tail end of my wild my wild boy days i had gone home gotten to bed and then somebody texted me at like 3 a.m that they were then going to another house i got out of bed and went there that's wild what was i doing i was in bed i won i had won and how was it how was it when you got there lousy lousy i had a serious conversation in a bathroom and then left it was lousy yeah there's didn't even get to honk any dweebs or anything yep that's perfect sage advice yeah man that shit just especially when you're young you just like yeah you want to keep it going so bad and you just like

because it's always like throughout the night you just realize like your friends have dwindled and the people who are still around are weirder and weirder guys yeah then you're like watching some dude named dead hand smoke out of a tin can yeah there's a time and a place like some of these comedy festivals sure i'll watch the sun come up but like once a day once a year it's fine but i would like oh i'd i stayed yeah and i've just seen a lot of bad shit happen at that time it's also like yeah like the the a great night it's like a riptide you're just caught in it you're not thinking anymore like these nights at comedy festivals and shit you're talking about you're just like i'm just in this shit

but like yeah the the nights where you're choosing it's like get out of the fucking water you know what i mean exactly exactly go to bed so many times you go home and go to bed dog where you can believe it's 4 a.m if you can't believe it's 4 a.m yeah go with it if you can believe it's 4 a.m if you're like it's 4 a.m yeah go with it. If you can believe it's 4 a.m., if you're like, it's 4 a.m. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Even the day you're not like, you're not supposed to see the sky look like that. That weird electric blue. Yeah. Yeah. The sky is bashful. The sky is like, stop looking at my door. Also, I used to hate that feeling of like having been like i hated it having been all out on especially in san francisco you're out all night somewhere and then you take the bus home and it's

like everybody's going to work you know what i mean and being like a being a human being and you're just like smelly going back to your cave to like sleep for hours i like it people who have healthy relationships with exercise or exercising not even just the crazy people oh yeah yeah yeah it's yeah 4 4 a.m man not for me yeah when's the last time you were up at 4 a.m any of you i mean last night that's because i have a child now i was last night but only because i was watching a super cut of Marlo Stanfield on YouTube. Oh, yes. Yeah, that's the other reason. No, that'll suck you in, though.

You're like, how long is this? An hour and 42 minutes? I mean, I'll just watch a little bit of it. I mean, cut to like, oh, damn, I forgot when he went and punched the kid. Because I don't want to see the whole show, you know? Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, Marlo was scary but yeah uh i don't know last time i was up before it's been a long time um sean patton time for your fourth pick uh be willing to argue more oh that's a good one man that was a thing when i was when i was way young i mean i'll argue all

day now but like when i was a kid early teens I would always just back down immediately and this kind of a little bit again piggybacks on David's about just being more like trust yourself more about just I would say something that I believed in and someone else would counter it and I'd be like yeah you're probably right like but be willing and it was all because I just was shy and didn't want to argue like no and the thing is be willing to and it was all because I just was shy and didn't want to argue. Right, right, yeah. And the thing is, be willing to argue with friends. That was another thing. I found friends, I was so grateful to have any, that the ones that I did look up to the most, when we disagreed, I would just immediately be like, no, you're right.

Clearly, I'm a dumbass. Ha, ha, ha. It's me, Fat Timmy. You know? Yeah. Be willing to argue with your friends. Yeah, exactly. They're still going to be friends with you.

And if they're not, fuck them. Yeah, you know? That's a soundbite right there if there ever is one. Just simultaneously, fuck them. That's a ringtone. Somebody will do it. Yeah.

Be willing to argue with everyone. Just do it. If you love someone with everyone like everyone you just do it like you if you love someone or hate someone what doesn't matter like to be willing to do it because it's also like humanity comes out a little bit and you and you and you're like hey we're kind of on the same page here and even if you aren't you fucking learn a little bit about your own uh your own like uh what is it your own reserve your own result yeah and who and like what you and who you actually are like what kind of stuff are you actually what you actually care that's such good advice for the

longest time i would just kowtow and like yeah i would i would argue with strangers and never with people i loved you know what i mean like that kind of thing i would at home but like not with friends or people who i weren't sure because my family i'm like well they love me no matter what but like you know it's only with really good friends who I would feel comfortable arguing but then you run into Sam Jay at a bar and you want to have a screaming match about Back to the Future and like

and then you're like oh this is fun disagreeing with people yeah sometimes it's a good and especially Sam Jay she's someone who it's like Sam Jay is the Michael Jordan of disagreeing oh yeah oh god yeah yeah it's great you know and they're like and if and if she's the michael jordan you're like any other athlete of that era where you're like i i have to engage i gotta get in the game

i've got it i've got to try and guard jordan yeah i'm barkley yeah yeah like it's sometimes it's fun and even like at one time i got in an argument with bill burr and i was like what am i doing and then i realized like oh losing an argument is what you're doing this is what yeah exactly losing an argument but also like he's a guy who it's like in his nature and it's like yeah it's not like he thinks any less of you it's just that you guys disagreed on some shit and he kind of proved you wrong but it was fun you know it was like for sure you know i just yeah i guess like that idea that disagreeing with someone if you don't like so and also flip that if you can't take someone disagreeing with you there's something

wrong there too well you have to be able to like accept that you know don't take a personal uh that's a great pick time for my fourth pick my fourth pick is gonna be hey i'm gonna go back to like seven year old me keep playing piano eight year old yes how long did you play for i played for like three years and i never got very good at it but like so i wasn't like a natural piano player it wasn't like if i just would have stuck with it that would be i'd be paying my life you know living like that but like it just would have been awesome to be able to sit down at a piano and be like you guys having a good time tonight and then like absolutely ivories a little bit just throw down a song or two it's just a classy little thing my brother even told me when i quit he was like don't quit dude girls are gonna

love it if you're like 18 and you can fucking like wail on the piano and i was like was like don't quit dude girls are gonna love it if you're like 18 and you can fucking like wail on the piano and i was like no i don't care i want to go play super battle tank but like uh super battle tank but i wish i would have stuck with it because it would have been just it just be so fucking smooth to be able to sit down and throw it down on a piano yeah have you thought about taking it up now nah nah too late i don't know nah it'd be cool i've thought about it but i don't think i will i love that nah i've thought but yeah i'm at what the simultaneously okay my shows in august 5th through 7th at the port Improv. Also some of the proceeds to Ian's piano lessons. Alright. I'll do it.

You can play the piano for Jodeci Jordan's first album. I learned forever, my lady. There will be some piano cuts on there, trust me. Obviously. Come on. Just a man and a piano. I'll say specifically piano, too. Because it also is a percussive instrument.

You can wail on the piano. I wish I was a piano. I would like to think of my, if we're all musical instruments as performers, I would like to think of myself as a piano. I like that for you. Some people are different. Some people are hurdy-gurdies. Ain't nothing wrong with that either.

I'm a fucking loud, poorly played trumpet with a plunger on it. Just pull us alive and bees that fly out. Bees! For some reason, just bees flying out. Sean Jordan, time for your fourth and then your final picks, the final round, a lightning round. My fourth pick, I would go back to a i believe 12 year old me i would lightly put my hands on

either shoulder i would look myself square in the eye and i would say you are not now nor will you ever be a crip is what i would say is what i would say i would i would really let that i would really let the eye contact linger for 30 seconds after i said that because 12 year old me would be like what and i wouldn't say anything i would just keep looking at 12 year old me being like you will never you will never be a crip never never and i would just let and i would see where that took me in life i wonder because there's not a thing you can do like a year later i got not a thing you can say yeah well yeah how long till you started skateboarding and finding i was 14 so i think when i was 12 i probably is when i let all my friends beat me up and then say i was a crip then i started

skating when i was 14 it was march 27th 1996 i got my first board so you got beat in your friends let you you got paid off Not only did they let me. They just jerked them off. They took their dorks and they beat off my nerd with it. A dick is a nerd and a geek is a vagina. No, they took their dorks though.

These are my dude friends that beat my nerd with their dorks though these are my dude friends that beat me it's a french a french blowjob yeah i would just let my little kid self know like hey bro this ain't it this ain't your avenue this ain't your lane it's not cool you don't want to be in a gang you just have seen menace to society quite a few times and you think you do but you don't is what i would say that's that's good advice and your final one final one i would just say uh throughout my so i could use this any anytime my life i would say it's not that bad i could use it i could use it everywhere all the time i could have used it a year ago i could have used it 20 years ago i could have used it a year ago. I could have used it 20 years ago. I could have used it last night. It's not that bad. It's going to be okay. Maybe I should say

it's going to be okay. Maybe is what I should say. It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Whatever's happening to you, and trust me, there's things, there's death, there's things where it seems like it's not going to be okay. It's going to be okay. No matter what, it's going to be okay. And then, unfortunately, eventually,, eventually one of these times it's not okay. And that's when you're, but it's like, you'd be all right. So yeah,

it's going to be a pop out. That's my last one. Yeah. That's when the Joker pops out, dude. And he goes, it's not okay. You want to know how I got these scars?

That wasn't okay. It's not okay. Sorry. That was a lightning round. My final one is going to be a go backpack through Europe. I know it seemed cliche, but I bet that would be really fun to me. And like i'm 20 don't do it strap a backpack on just go over there not every trip has to be for comedy absolutely my final pick sean patton your final

pick um be okay it's great be grateful that you have a smaller penis because you're going to be forced to develop a personality because of it and an imagination as well. So congratulations. Congratulations on having a smaller penis. Be proud. To no one in particular. It's for the best. It's for the best.

David, your final pick? Be grateful you have a huge penis. Be grateful you have a huge penis. Yeah. It's going to open a lot of doors. It's going to open a lot of doors. Literally keep them open. It's going to open a lot of dorks is what it's going to open.

You can use it as a paperweight. No. My last one. Ask for help. Just ask for help just ask for help dummy that's good to help you if you need it excellent pick that wraps us up sean jordan you went first you took go to the dentist use your money to pay your bills first keep an eye on your credit you're not a crip and it's gonna be okay other things you tell your younger self. I went second. I took, actually take chances with girls. Lose the weight earlier. Get detention like once.

Let your hair down. Keep playing piano and then travel to Europe in your 20s. Throw on a backpack and go. Sean Patton, you went third. You took own every mistake. Stop trying to be cool. Try everything, but never touch a cigarette. Argue more and be grateful that you have a smaller penis. David, you went last and you

took whatever's happening. Feel it now. Tough guys aren't cool. Trust yourself. Nothing good happens at 4 a.m. and ask for help. Amazing picks. Marissa, did you have one? Invest in Bitcoin early. Yeah, I was thinking about that. I was thinking about that when I was putting the list together. You know the problem is I didn't have the means. I didn't have a computer until I was like 26. Yeah, you couldn't have done that.

I wouldn't have a debit card. I wouldn't have been able to do it. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. That's on the internet. Shout want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. That's on the internet. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Shout out to everyone on the Shaslackity, the AFE subreddit.

Shout out to Saint Sue Carmel. I have a shout real quick. A special one. I got it. This is a shout that we got it. So shout out to Colin from Kyle. Kyle's getting married next summer. And Colin, there's no one else he'd rather have stand next to him up there he wants you to be his best man say yes oh that's sweet yeah yeah yeah beautiful yeah or don't dude drive a

hard bargain get out of it call him a dork see what you can can wear what the Joker wears to the wedding And then say yes Squeeze his dweebs bro Shout out to Frankie Ocean Shout out to Sid the Dude Shout out to Haji Beeth And more important than all of that Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything

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