All Fantasy Everything - Things You Yell After You Dunk on Someone (w/ Zak Toscani, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: June 6, 2019

YAWK CITY.Episode Guest:Zak Toscani @zaktoscani IG: @zaktoscaniThe All Fantasy Everything Summer Tour is coming to a city near you! Find dates and tickets at headgum.com/live.Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch! T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that's feeling a little bit off today. Just the whole thing. Sean's got a mustache. I got a mustache. You know. It hangs low. Low hanging mustache.

The low hanging mustache. I like it. It's got some handlebars on it. Zach's here, dude. Well. You know, just. Mustache or two. Also has a mustache. Mustache or two in the room.

Couple of mustaches in the room. David's got a beard. David, do you ever do. But the mustache was part of it. Do you ever have a mustache? Just plain old mustache, no beard. Do you ever do that? Oh, no.

I can't be out here looking like a cop. Does it grow in thick? No. I got that French part in the middle, too. What? That little Pierre in the middle? Angel's kiss. Is that what it's called? I don't know. That's what Kelly Jordan calls it. I like that better than the French part.

I've never heard the French part before. I think I coined it. Okay. French part, French part, French part, French part. You good? You said you're feeling a little it. Okay. French part, French part, French part, French part. You good? You said you're feeling a little off. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. I'm good. I'm feeling off though. What do I do? I like to check in. No, I just have a little heat check. I like to know. What do I do about it?

You know? A little beat to the beat check. Nothing. To the heat check. Long drive home. Yeah. Long days at work. A lot of long days at work in a row.

Double tape today. No end in in a row. Double tape today. No end in sight. No, zero episodes today. Still fucking busy. Just, my life is a highly compensated headache. Yeah? Yeah. Well, so there we go.

Yeah. Everyone's stoked. Yeah. That kind of podcast Hey I'm stoked I'm stoked on friendship I'm stoked to be here Yeah yeah

I'm stoked on Why my mouth is so dry For some reason This weed Really dried me out I could guess Bunch of weed About an hour ago

I think I saw the reason About an hour ago Marijuana Marijuana The street drug Known as. Marijuana. Marijuana. The street drug known as marijuana. Marijuana. I love you, Mary Jane.

Bang. Marijuana. I thought about doing some weed the other day. Really? Yeah. I just thought about it. I feel like you've been circling closer and closer. I really have been. Wait, do you mean like smoking or you mean the edible?

Just taking a little tiny hit. I was going to do it and not tell anyone and see if anybody like got wise you would have thought you would have told us immediately just showing on like personal history you'd be like okay so i smoked a little i mean you're telling myself don't don't say anything yeah i'm calling no one's gonna know i think it's within the next six months before the the end of 2019, you're going to take a hit of weed. I could just feel it. I could just feel it. What if you get into it all heavy late in life like Kevin Smith?

It could happen. That would be weird. And then you start wearing big pipey denim shorts. Whoa, bringing the Pipers back? Wow. Drug rugs? Get those JNCOs? This mustache gets nothing but longer, my friend.

Hockey jerseys. Mustaches. More hockey jerseys. Allegations surfacing. my friend. Hockey jerseys. Mustaches. More hockey jerseys. Allegations surfacing. Jinkos and jerseys. Zones. What are Zones? Those are like the knockoff Jinkos. No. Like the Arizona to the Levi's kind of thing. I didn't have the knockoff.

I bet you they were Arizona. That's where Zones Arizona came from. I bet you they were. It was like their attempt. I had a big cream pear. Did they have... They were cream jeans and they were cut. They were a huge jam.

Nobody called me cream jeans. How? You guys invented punk rock sausage face. but none of these fucking idiots listen it was right there sometimes the telescope misses what's very close yeah true i'd like protected he was a made man so they could it's true that's true man they couldn't bring that up damn cream jink dude. Like a bagel with extra cream jeans, please. Man.

Did they have like, like JNCOs had like the character or whatever would be stitched on? I had them all over you like shame on a 14 year old sheets. Yeah. Oh man. My zones just crumpled up on the floor. I never had those. What did it feel like to walk in a pair of JNCOs? Gnarly.

You couldn't. So they were like, they'd sway like. I don't know what you feel like to walk in a pair of JNCOs? Gnarly. So they were like, they'd sway like... I don't know what you'd feel like to have a 10-foot dick. But your knee wouldn't... You wouldn't see people's knees bend the pant. Yeah. That's how bad it was. It's like when they ring the bells. When they're about to go to war,

there's the bell dinger in the middle, and then the outside of the bell is like the jeans. So your leg is like the knocker. So just like... Getting the sides of it. When they would sway back it would hit your your whole shoe would be covered except for like maybe the toe part that's what i never that's what always seemed like it would be awful to me was the bottom yeah

yeah to my credit now i and i made plenty of mistakes from day one i was like these are fucking whack me too i'm like those Me too. Those and raver pants. I was always like, I am not with this party. I have such a visceral memory of running to my mom and being like, you're buying me gin cups. I got a pair of the shorts.

They were like the shorts that went down like mid-calf. Oh, yeah. It was never. I like the silhouette of a human. Yeah. I don't want to take it away from never. I like the silhouette of a human. Yeah. I don't want. Don't take it away from me.

I want to see all the curves. They were. Victorian ghosts floating around. They had. I tried to say baby and daddy. And I said. Oh. Zadie.

Zadie. Babby. You could put. Oh, Zadio. Your pockets were like down to your knees. Yeah. You could put a TI-84 in your front pocket. And if you're 13 or 12 or whatever, your whole

arm's in there. I mean, it was ridiculous. Did you ever pound off in them? No. I've never... I've never pounded off in my pants like that. Just blew your load in your... Cream jeans? Yeah, cream and jeans. Thank you.

I'm craving my cream jeans. We're 10 minutes into the episode. God, I'm sorry, everybody. Jesus Christ. You can say blow your loan. I don't want to say that. That was a hard BL. That's a harsh.

Blow your loan is one of the- My mom's still listening. I know. That's how early we are in the episode. It is. To be your L is one of the grosser terms. Blowing your loan is one of the worst things you can say. You keep saying it. It is. To be your L is one of the grosser terms. Blowing your load is one of the worst things

you can say. You keep saying it. It's funny. It's funny. You did just say it like nine, ten times. Now that we're all adults and we can like,

fuck doesn't bug us or like, I mean, even some people say cunt like I work a lot with a lot of British people. Those aren't great words. You know what I mean? But like all things being equal now, the same blow your load bums me out.

It's one of the grossest. It's so crass. I almost said the other phrase. It's so crass. It's hella crass. Blow your load. Jesus Christ. It is one of the grossest.

I can't stop laughing. I can't stop laughing. I blew it. I blew it. I say that a lot, though. I say I blew it all the time. Yeah, me too. I mean, I say that a lot though I say I blew it all the time I mean I blow it a lot not loads

he's got cream of jeans over here I had a pair of cream cream of jeans with your cream jeans on no one a pair of cream zones. Creams in my cream jeans. Creamy zones, dude. Oh, man. Dude, with your cream jeans on. No one wants to go to the creamy zone. No.

Not one person. Game on. I went there once. Cream jeans on. Oh, man. You know how good the Froger would have to be at the creamy zone for me to go? What do you guys want to call it? You want to call it the creamy zone?

Man, the build Your Own Froger place by our crib shut down. Oh, it did? Yeah, the one from Nathan For You where he made the shit ice cream. It was the same spot. Oh, that's... I didn't know that. It fucking closed, man. Gunned down on its prime. Gunned down on its prime. R.I.P.

There's another one. Real close. Yeah, but still, that one was better. That one was better. They have more candy. They didn't, they didn't try to be something they weren't. Yeah. They, uh,

they just had like candy and they didn't call it frozen. I know. I understand they're different, but they didn't call it frozen. Yeah. It was like an ice cream, ice cream with candy on it. Yeah.

It was great. This doesn't work on the podcast, but I think I just found a picture of Sean in the third grade. Whoa. Yeah. I look just like Del picture of Sean in the third grade. Whoa. Yeah. I look just like Delroy Lindo in the third grade. It's a picture. It's an erotic nude of Delroy Lindo.

It's Delroy Lindo. The only man they let into Maxim is a centerfold. I bet you his penis says Delroy when he puts it up. Delroy. Delroy. Or Lindo. Lindo. Say hi to Lindo. You got Lindo. You're hot.

Sean Jordan on the podcast. I'm right here. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean S. Jordan on CreamyDeans.love Sean Creamy Melon Jordan on the gram. Sean Creamy Melon on the gram. SCMJ, bro. Sean Creamy Melon Jeans on the gram CMJ bro out here sweating

zip up hoodie with no shirt under it that kind of creamy jeans are you an R&B singer let me lick you up and down I had a pair of cream jeans you remember that silk song what time of year do you wear those? Not in the winter. I don't believe in time.

They forego the seasons. I don't believe in years. I lost my watch when I moved out here. You know what I mean? I just kind of wear them until I go to sleep. Then someone takes them off. I wake up naked every day. You only wear pants a full calendar year and then you throw them away and get new pants. Yeah, they're like Hell's Angels. They just got to fall off my body.

Man, so this episode will come out well after Game of Thrones. You say watch. His watch has ended. Game of Thrones. So Game of Thrones will be over by the time this one comes out. It will be. Should we react to it like it was crazy? Just so the people have, whoa, I almost creamed my jeans on that last one.

Yeah. David's never seen it. I can't believe the whole thing was happening in Puerto Rico. Yeah. That was wild. Yeah. Over rum. Yeah.

It was a rum dispute. Rum war. I did not care for the Cindy Lauper cameo. Cindy Lauper thing was weird. That was over the top. No shame on Cindy Lauper by the way. No, I love her. What are you going to not be in Game of Thrones?

I just want to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Forget girls. You don't of Thrones? I just want to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Forget girls. You don't. Like, everybody. I want to have fun. The big CGI Burt Reynolds was cool at first, but they just kept going back to it.

It was touching. You know, I cried the first time. That being said, Heathcliff the cat, tastefully well done. That's true. And it worked with the story. Yeah, I thought so. I really thought so. Yeah, I agree. I don't really have any hot takes on it. I like the whole thing.

I thought it was fun. Zach and Sean, your legs could not be... These guys are crossing their legs. Further from different colors. It looks like two elk about to fight, though. What? Well, mind you're saying mine are Casper Milk Toast and his are... Zach's legs look like rotisserie chicken skin and mine

look like somebody dumped cottage cheese all over a white bat yeah sean's legs looks like it puts the lotion on the skin i got cream it's my zones they stain my legs for the rest of time yeah yeah your legs look like you're the first guy to get to level 80 on world of warcraft they do my hair on my legs looks way, way darker just because my legs are so white. It's gross. When we hit the beach this summer, it won't be a problem for any of us. We should for real get boogie boards. Yeah, boogie boards.

Because then my legs will be beet red. That being said, I talk really confident. I don't know how far I'm willing to go out with my boogie board. Whatever. Let the ocean take it. We're rich. We're not rich, but we got boogie board money. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to Google how much it costs. I'm willing to go out with my boogie board. Whatever. Let the ocean take it. We don't need it. We're rich. We're not rich, but we got boogie board money. Yeah.

I mean, I'm going to Google how much it costs. I'm not sure. You can play it for like 30 bucks. Yeah. I want a good, but no, I don't. What am I talking about? I just want a boogie board. You want?

You get what you pay for, Dave? You really don't need a good one. Sean actually used to work at a boogie board dealer. I'll tell you, Dave. You get what you pay for, you know? A little bit of advice. Don't get one with like the little see-through window. What?

I don't even know. They put boogie boards sometimes where there's like a piece of glass on it so you can see below. So you can see the... So you can walk people. Sure. It's never good. Dave, you're going to want to get the... Dave?

You want to get a wetsuit? Yeah, he's Dave. Dave in the boogie board shop. Dave, buddy. Dave, you need a wetsuit, but you don't want your nipples chafing, right? I'm not going to talk your ear off. You're here for a boogie board, not to get boogie board bored, all right? These are my three favorite models.

Yeah, you don't want to get boogie bored. Well, they go up to $225. I think I'm much higher than that, Dave, but you don't strike me as the kind of guy that wants to spend five grand on a boogie board. Now, you're going to be more comfortable at the front of the store. Well, you're not so poorly, motherfucker. You're going to be more comfortable at the front of the store. You're going to be more comfortable at the front of the store, Dave. I can tell that you don't have the sand to spend the real money on the real boogie board. I came here to blow stacks.

I mean, Dave, if you want to go in the back, I'll get the key. Yeah, Clint's right over there. Go get the key if you want it. Clint! This is actually made of shark skin. We got a buyer. Don't make me get out of my seat unless we got a real high roller up there.

Snake skin wetsuit. Alright, I'm coming out. He told me his name's Dave. I said, you look like a David. He goes, no, Dave. How the hell are you? Clint Boogie Watkins. Nice to meet you. And scene. Improv, everybody. Improv, dude, we love it. Now we need a suggestion that was a herald it was a herald and lights what does that mean and it was heralded long like a longer form improv

okay sure yeah yeah yeah new choice that was my game back in the day new choice oh new choice and then you'd be like now this spaceship's made of nipples. New choice. Made of macaroni. New choice. Made of the tears of my enemies. See, that is the yeoman's method. Forgive me. Sure. I'm sorry. I've got a little more improv experience than you.

I'm not trying to speak to my friend. I'm not trying to speak down to you. And yes, that is one way to do it. Another way is to give them the first two, like this. So new choice, man. I had pancakes for dinner. New choice. I had macaroni and cheese for dinner. New choice.

And a thick cut of elk meat for dinner. New choice. I killed my grandma last night. That worked. It worked on me. See? It worked on me just now. Left turn.

All right. Yeah. All right. And you didn't signal. I used to be, no signal, dude. No signal. I i just hard whip i used to be deep in the improv game when we met i think i was just getting out of it i pulled he was going clear i pulled you out of the quicksand listen listen they were following you for a while you put your vest and bow tie up for good huh yes we had i was good at it though man man. Of course you were. The groundlings.

Huh? The groundlings were coming by. Me and Sean had to scare him off. We're like, he's out of it now. Yes. He doesn't want to talk to you. He doesn't want your life. Seriously, you don't even know

a lot of the times they came over. Really? You wouldn't even let you see him. Sean, one time Sean cracked his knuckles and he goes, new choice. Yeah. I look at him, I go, dentist or doctor? Quick one.

They're out there pantomiming open peanut butter jars. Get out of here, grandmas! He's still got it! You want to go hard as a pain on the ribs or one straight shot to the knuckles? Kill him. Oh, man. What do you got coming up, Sean? Everybody go see Faded every Friday. Go see Faded on Fridays.

I have an album out called the buck starts here. It is. Uh, you can get it anywhere. You get audio content, iTunes, Apple music, uh,

Google play Amazon. So pick up that if you're feeling saucy, but also just come and buy tickets on this tour. Hopefully it's not sold out by this time. New York probably will be. New York probably will be. So just go to Ferndale. Ferndale.

Or DC. Ferndale's moving pretty well too. Go to DCndale. Ferndale. Or D.C. Ferndale's moving pretty well, too. I know. Go to D.C. I'll take the opportunity to remind people. We are going on the All Fantasy Everything Summer Breeze Tour. Summer Breeze. We're hitting several cities, including for the first time, the Eastern Seaboard.

Let them know. Here are the dates, my friends. June 26th, we are at the showbox in seattle washington also just we're not going to be doing a portland date uh for a while so if you want to come up and see us and you're in portland we'd love to see you in seattle as well same for the people in vancouver uh coming out and see us june 27th we'll be in san francisco california at the great american music hall july 11th we'll be in boston massachusetts at the Great American Music Hall. Yes, sir. July 11th, we'll be in Boston, Massachusetts at the Sinclair. Bang, bang.

July 12th, we'll be at Brooklyn at the Bell House. The Sinclair and the Bell House are both selling real well. You're going to want to jump on those quick. Sinclair is too, huh? Nice. July 13th, we're in Washington, D.C. at the Black Cat. July 14th, we're in Philadelphia at Underground Arts. July 18th, we're at Turf in Minneapolis.

Sold out. If we've added a second show, we'll do a drop, and it'll be all over Twitter and everything. But as of right now, sold out. July 19th, the Hideout in Chicago. Same deal as of right now, sold out. July 20th, we're at Woodland Tavern in Columbus, Ohio. And then July 21st, we're at the Magic Bag

in a place called Ferndale, which as far as I can tell, is Detroit. Is Detroit. Yeah. There it is. So that's where we'll be. Make sure you follow with us. Come out. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. That's, uh, you know, that's all I got to say for now. Beautiful, dude. In my creamy-ass

motherfucking zones. Talk like that now, man. Oh, man. The creamy zone? Hey, man man you got any creamy ass motherfucking zones back there who is this guy yeah he deals a lot of different drugs i hate this k-mart drug dealer because he doesn't specify one drug he just deals drugs it's the guy like mcconaughey based his uh days of reviews character a hundred years after that. That's what I love about these cream jeans. I keep getting creamier.

They stay the same old jeans. I just stand here with a boner and you can't tell. Zach Toscani. Yo. Add Zach Toscani on Twitter. Yes, sir. Add Zach Toscani on Instagram.

Confirmed. Confirmed. Yeah. Roger. Well, I wouldn't say verified, but confirmed. You're not verified either. I know, man. Let me do what I'm doing. Cheese and rice.

Dude, mustache Sean is different. He's all cream jeans and weird burns. I don't like it, man. I'll think I can't cross my legs tighter than they're crossed. I was on the front page of CNN.com. I know. My girlfriend told me. Hey, you know Zach's on the front page of CNN.com. I know. My girlfriend told me. Hey, you know, Zach's on the front page of CNN.

I just look over like, fuck Zach, fuck him. That was awesome. And BBC. BBC won. Credits. Credits. They all came in one day. Phoebe Bottoms used All Fantasy Everything on a credit on one of her shows.

Oh, hell yeah. That's pretty sick. I told her to take it off and I will have a lawyer contact her fairly soon, but it did happen. You reached out to by Webster Webster and Cohen. Oh, dude. Yeah, that's right. We got the

lawyers from fucking Cool Rice. Yeah. And Cohen. Sometimes Ian will have Orphian reach out Orfallian? well if Orfallian can't get a hold of him you know what he does I don't like you bringing that up but okay then he has Orfallian go after Lee

yeah dude and then Salino and Barnes are getting in there they're getting back together and they're coming after you and Ivan and Ivan's involved dude Ivan Salino you didn't know that? Ivan Salino Carmel, man. That's why I had to leave.

They call him Salino because he was the first lawyer to get a mobile phone, dude. And he has a problem with cops, sir. Yeah, he does. Salino. He got Salino Dion out of a draconian recording contract. Oh, yeah. Called him earlier. No pickup.

It's the worst when your parents don't pick up. Pick up? Fuck you. I don't pick up. What are you doing? I'm the one who doesn't pick up. You don't pick up for me? You're grateful I'm calling. You want to know where I am at all times.

I got dissed by Sue Carmel last night too Oh my god You leave your group of friends and you pick up the phone Yeah she was at a play but I'm like leave Pause it Tell them Ian Carmel's on the phone I have nothing to say Listen to me

I'm driving home from work I was just calling to tell you I'll call you later I wanted to talk about where we're getting lunch on Saturday. This is important shit. What do you got coming up? Me? Just stop. Just gonna come at me like that?

What do you got coming up? Damn. Like you're the general and I'm you? That's like those videos you see at Bengal Tigers where you don't see them until they're pouncing. Man. That was a pounce for sure. Have you seen that one of the guy on the back of the elephant and you can just see the grass moving and then a tiger jumps at him?

I'm getting a visual though. It's no moose video. No, we did. Big kitty. Everybody watch a moose video. Not right now, but after this. Go watch moose running in snow. Shit is tight.

Yeah. Those are big boys. They scare the shit out of me, man. Yeah, dude. I have a healthy respect for the moose. Yeah, you do. You must. I really, really do. That's why your beach teller says it, I assume. Yeah.

You just boom, boom. I have a healthy respect for the moose. Any questions? You flop it a few extra times so everyone at the beach sees it? You really making a show of it? You have a bumper sticker on your car.

It's a moose respect thing. You wouldn't understand. It's a moose respect. Big dogs respect the moose. If you don't have respect for moose get off the porch here it is david look at this dude big dogs respect the moose that would be a tight big dog shirt oh shit. Oh, shit. Oh, no. I can't do that. Just look up Tiger. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He's bloodied, but he's unbowed. You know, unbowed. Whatever. I don't know. Never heard either one. Friggin whatevs. Whatevs.

Zach, do you have anything coming up? Every Friday at the Blue Rooster. Sure, sure, sure. A little show whatevs. Whatevs. Zach, do you have anything coming up? Every Friday at the Blue Rooster. Oh, sure, sure, sure. A little show called Faded. Blue Rasta. We got some new shit coming out. We got a new colorway. We got new members added.

Yeah, it's... New colorway of what? The shirt? We do have a new shirt coming out. Yeah, forget about that. Whoa. Yeah. Pretty neck looking.

Does it look like a tuxedo shirt? You guys see those? It says Free Mike Malloy. Oh, Free Mike Malloy. He's in Twitter jail right now guys see those? It says Free Mike Malloy. He's in Twitter jail right now. You guys should make some Free Mike Malloy. As of this recording, Mike's on Twitter jail for threatening the life of a sitting U.S. governor. Not threatening,

but hoping. Yeah, hoping for something. What's funny is his lawyers aren't picking up. Salino and Barnes, they're busy with another case. They can't. Barnes is. What about our Folly? Barnes is a slam, dude.

Oh, yeah. Or Folly and I think are local. So just sort of all the listeners, they're just like our local version of Salino and Barnes. But they're mad local. Dude, mad. Like they might just be in Glendale. Don't hassle them. They're local.

Like a Franklin D.A. czar type of situation for my Denver folks. Scott Hoy in Sioux Falls. Okay. I don't remember who it was in my Denver folks? Scott Hoy in Sioux Falls. Okay, okay. I don't remember who it was in Portland. Scott and Tex Hoy in Sioux Falls. They made it to fucking a late night show that we don't talk about, but they were on one of the late night shows people clowning on them. Seth Meyers?

No, it was a different one. But like Tex Hoy looked dead. Are you really not going to say which one it was? I was failing. I don't know. It was more of a joke than anything. Oh. You know?

Well, not now with that look. David Porey. Yeah. In the studio. Cool guy jokes 87. Uh-huh. Is where you'll find him on the app known as Instagram. The G is silent if you prefer to read the tweets.

That's what they say. Yeah. What do you got coming up, buddy? Yeah. 13th and 14th. I got the, I'm in Springfield, Missouri. I got the uh, I got the, uh, I got the, I'm in, uh,

Springfield, Missouri. I got the key, the key, the key, the key at the Blue Room Comedy Club. But other than that, Diane.

Where are you really? Yeah, really. That sounded like you were running interference. Where are you actually going to be those two days? What do you mean? Committing some sort of high crimes. Listen guys,

I'm not where I'm at. Embezzlement. Embezzlement maybe? Let's just say I'm not dropping a pin. Guys, I've been linking it every time david's out of town doing a date another jewel disappears whoa man if i found out any of you were jewel thieves i'd be so stoked yeah man me too yeah because we've been hiding it i'd be bummed yeah i'd also be bummed that i you didn't think that i was like had a skill that like, would let me get down. What? Like the jewel thievery?

Yeah. Like if you, I would want, if you guys were jewel thieves, I would wish that you would see something in me and been like, David,

I usually don't let people in, but I think you got the juice kid. Wow. Like if you found out Zach, Sean and I have been jewel thieves ever since, ever since Portland is.

Yeah. And you guys were just like, ah, do we need to tell David? It's a long time. you've made it the farthest out of any of the candidates to join the crew for sure we had to move Shane to New York yeah what if this was my final test

and I failed it by talking about it in front of all the podcast fans what if think about that what if a little harder before you you know before you keep going I'm gonna be June 13th and 14th at the Blue Ribbon Sean's the kingpin. I believe it.

Oh, also, I'm now a Lee C. Oh, yeah. You can address me as such. Townhouse. Townhouse in the valley. Townhouse in the valley. Townhouse. Townhouse in the valley.

Townhouse. Biking speakers in the face. Townhouse Townhouse Townhouse Townhouse Townhouse Biking speakers in the face Townhouse Townhouse Bath salts Use the front door That's fucking tight What does it look like?

What's the What's the domicile situation? I'll show I got pictures Because I think it's still on Zillow Because I just signed the thing today Oh let Zillow change the pillows Well for audio purposes

What does it look like? It's uh You know I don't want you motherfuckers to know. All right, cool. It's there. Marble floors. It's my first home, and I'm going to keep it private.

Sure. I feel you. Heated leather floors in the bathroom. Here's some pics for you. Tile of the Batman logo on the foyer. It says Redrum on every mirror. A myriad of Scarface scene designs. There's a TV with Scarface

always playing. This is nice, David. I'm very excited. You're talking about two sinks in it, dude? Yeah. I got one and a half bathrooms. Oh my God. A sink for each hand and then hand washers? Wow. I got two sinks, one for each of you.

You're just talking in your hands. My name is Ian Carmel. It always has been and it always will be. I'm at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on a Jewish UPS tracking app. I thought you were going to say Jewish UPN. What do you mean, every network? We're in the industry folks

JPN Jobisha that one took me a long time to figure out in my head homeopathic doctors from outer space ah yeah well for god's sake

this is a loopy episode I'm loopy man come see all fantasy everything on the summer breeze tour as aforementioned watch the late late show with James Corden the good looks is the first and third Wednesday at the old UCB Franklin I'm not there most of the time because

of my work schedule but andrew and i i mean you know he puts on a really great show over this so go check that out too sure um fuck i don't have anything else to really say yeah i'm saying do i no not really oh i'll be at uh fucking don't you have some stand-up coming up or something? I'll be at a few different things, but I'm doing a lot of festivals. I'm doing... What's that one in Portland where you camp and...

Oh, Pickathon? Pickathon! I'm doing Pickathon this year. I did that last year. It's really fun. Yeah, I'm excited to do it. They dropped the bag, so I'm going to be there.

What else happened? Bumper Shoe? Are you at Bumper Shoe? Yeah, I don't know if I can even announce that, but, so I'm going to be there. What else happened? Bumbershoot? Are you at Bumbershoot? You're doing Bumbershoot, right? Yeah. I don't know if I can even announce that, but yeah, I'm at Bumbershoot. I don't give a fuck. I mean, I don't care.

Well, we can take it out if not, but. I'll be at Bumbershoot. We'll be at High Plains. I've told people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be at High Plains. We were going to be there until we said all these. Oops.

I'll be free as a bird this summer. Yeah, so that yeah. We'll be high playing soon. We were going to be there until we said all these. Oops. I'll be free as a bird this summer. Yeah, so that's about it. We are gathered here today in the Fortress of Solitudes, mind you, to draft things you yell after you dunk on someone, which is a topic Zach came up with maybe a year, a year ago. And I've never, like, anytime we're like, what should we do? And I'm like, well, we could do what should we do and i'm like well we

could do the oh no no no wait we should oh no no no but zach is here on the podcast it is the nba playoffs happening now although they might be over by the time you listen to this i don't fucking know all right you know you don't have to i'm i'm not a i'm not a taekwondo black belt i am all right yeah there's one one of us is but i'm not yeah you knowwondo black belt. I am. All right. Yeah. There's one. One of us is, but I'm not, you know? Yeah. Well, brown belt. I got close.

Did you try hard? Yeah. What's under black, red, brown, purple, green. If this isn't Chua,

please let me know. Seen it live. Really? Yep. He's supposed to have the smokiest hog in all of Hollywood that Huey Lewis. I thought the smallest. No, Peter Frampton's supposed to have the smallest. That's right.

It's that air machine. Didn't Milton Berle have a huge hog too? They say he pulled, you know, they'd have dick size contacts. That's where the story becomes dubious. We're still guys. I think back in the day I think that that was more. And we still guys. Back in the day, I think that was more. We're guys, but

there's a level of dudes. We're different guys. There are dudes who are doing that. Dick size contest? You know what's a crazy story? Kathy Najimy has the hugest pussy in Hollywood. I couldn't even. I'm sorry.

That was a blow your load moment. That's a perfect end though. Holy cow. I'm sorry. You ruined Hocus Pocus for me. My mom once again is still listening. Yeah, it was. You might have shut her up.

They said Milton Berle would pull out just enough to win, not enough to win. He would never show you the whole hog. They used to say the same thing about caffeine. Ron's whole hog. Can't wait to see what they do with you the whole hog. They used to say the same thing about Kathy and Jim. Can't wait to see what they do with Rod's whole hog. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you, and we throw on shoot.

Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins. David's back on top. My streak continues. You still never won. That's the most impressive. Some people would say that I never won,

but have I swayed every election I've been in? Oh, yeah. You're a kingmaker. Yeah. Yeah. I choose who I befuddle. And what type of draft is it? That's a great question.

It is a serpentine draft. And what does that mean? I don't know. What type of draft is it? That's a great question. It is a serpentine draft. And what does that mean? I, uh, that's a good, I don't know. A serpentine draft is sort of like if you were to, you have a mustache and you go into the bathroom and you're not used to a mustache, you just camp it up and you're not used to a mustache and you start on the right side and you kind of trim it up a little bit, but you want to leave a bit of a handlebar. And then you go just kind of from right to left. And then you trim like some upper hairs on your cheek on the right hand side. Then you get like under your nose. Then you get to the left hand

side of your face, trim a little bit. And then you get to the left hand side of your mustache and you trim it into a handlebar. You step back and you look and you're like, oh, left side's a little bit too long. And there's a gray hair I want to get rid of. So you kind of trim that up a little bit more and then you're like, whatever, I'll just give it a once over. So you kind of start from the left cheek again, go back over, you pluck a gray, even though it doesn't bother you, you just want things like symmetry. Then you get back to the right hand side and then you kind of shave a little bit, just to match, just put a little touch. So it's not like a flat issue, you know, and then you step back and you do the, just measure them again. You notice that your right's a little bit longer than your left now.

So you just kind of touch it up and then work your way back over to the left and so on. That was an ad for Harry's. We didn't even have to cut to a break. Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. If you want to say that in mind, David, what will the order of today's draft be? in the second round. If you want to say that in mind, David,

what will the order of today's draft be? I don't feel like the order. I want to preface this by saying, and I just feel like I need to get it out there. Prefaced. I, after upon further inspection, hate this topic. Oh,

really? Absolutely. Hate it. I don't think I'm good at it. I don't see. This is you being insecure. I don't think I had a flare for it. No,

this is right. Didn't enjoy. I am for it. I think when, this is you being insecure. I don't think I had a flair for it. I didn't enjoy praying for it. I think when it's all said and done, you're going to be pleasantly surprised. My first pick is going to be off the rack. Well, there we go. So I'm going to go first. Zach, Sean, Ian. There he goes.

It's a hot corner. Man, two hot corners on the couch. I'm going to say all these the way that I would say these. Oh, it's the hot corner. Man, two hot corners on the couch. I'm going to say all these the way that I would say these. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I got to. Some of them have scenarios. I'm going to my hot corner. These weed gummies at some point. Are they the weird ones? I've never done a A.F.E. Stone before, but I mean, this one. Really?

Let me. You got a gum. Really? Yeah. There's a bag right there. You never have? No, I've done mailbags. Okay.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Nice. Help yourself. Yeah. there you never have no i've done mailbags okay i didn't know that yeah nice uh so my first one uh fast break i imagine i'm on a fast break what you're on a fast break oh yeah yeah coming down or no no actually i'm dunking in traffic okay it's not gonna traffic i dunk and as i i come down and i kind of go all the way down and as I'm standing up I say Guantanamera! Yeah!

Guantanamera! I need a Guantanamera No, but I yell it like that Oh yeah, no Guantanamera! You're making SportsCenter for sure I love it because they're just gonna be like now what did he say and then they'll just cut to the can't like the audio on the court everybody heard it in the whole stadium yeah it just needs to be sounds i found with these

what i like about it is no go ahead you really? So, like, the other team's probably getting back. No, we're already heading up court. You're saying that while you're running up court? No, they are. They are. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm being a bad teammate. Like, they might get a good shot.

Yeah, I'm not getting on defense to finish this. Oh, yeah. You know, there's some times where I do respect that, where you're like, yeah, you kind of have to just fully embrace that moment. Was everyone else's introduction to Guantanamera the Wyclef song? Yeah. From the carnival? Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Because it's like an old Mexican, I think, I don't know, folk song is the right word, but like it's an old Mexican, I think it's an old Mexican folk song. Yeah. Guantanamera. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Faster, huh? Guantanamera. Guantanamera. And then, do you guys ever watch Black-ish? No. No. Wanda Sykes, there's an episode where she's singing it, and it's so funny. Really? I love Wanda Sykes.

She goes, Guantanamera, something, something. And just the way she does it is so funny. Wanda Sykes is hilarious. Guantanamera. Yeah, dude. Are you looking up at the sky? Is it a guttural? I'm yelling it to the audience.

Okay. To the crowd. Like a Draymond Green situation. I like this basketball player because he doesn't call it the crowd. He calls it the audience. Is it not? No, but I'm saying... It's all a theater, Zach.

It might be an audience. I'm saying your characters are so layered. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a whole backstory just within that. Nobody ever does a compliment. Try to be nice, David. You ruined it. You took a crap all over it that's specific like afraid like it's still like insulin but afraid to cuss like it's such a funny guy like when you're like i guess 14 oh man who told me this story but they

said that they were, someone came to their school and talked, it wasn't like a Mothers Against Drunk Driving or something, but it was someone who, like an emotion, not an emotional speaker. It was Father's Ford Drunk Driving.

That's all right. Have a couple. Oh my God. That's so funny. Where am I supposed to sleep? It was Harper. Where am I supposed to get up in the morning, go get my car.

I gotta go to work. Harper told this story. It was this guy who came in when they were in basketball, who was a motivational speaker. And he was talking about how his brother, something tragic happened to his brother. And he goes, and you know what?

It just really stunk. Oh yeah. And Zach laughed in that moment. He was like, I was running the rest of that day. But same thing where you're like something tragic like that happens. Go ahead and just swear. Yeah, it feels weird to hold back.

Yeah. Stinks. We were in a loud. We're in a car and my friend, we saw something where we're like 14. And when my friend goes to G Tom, who is the dad, he goes, G Tom, whip a crappy. I want to see what happened. And instead of saying dad, he goes, G Tom, whip a crappy. I want to see what happened. And instead of saying whip a shitty and we're like,

whip a crap, he called it a crappy, whip a crappy, worst dude. Go, Hey, G Tom, whip a crappy.

And G Tom was like, fuck every other word sucks. It's just wild. It's like Busta Luigi, dude. Anything but Busta crappy. Whip a crappy. We want to see what happened. Whip a crappy. We want to see what happens.

Whip a crappy. Get out of my car. You better walk home, man. I wanted to give you a ride, but then you were talking about that whip a crappy. I'll see you tomorrow. You know that's a play on this whip? Hey, G-Tom, whip a crappy. I'm going to drop you off, and I want you to think about what you said to me.

Boy, that was disappointing. Sounds like what your mom thinks you're doing after school., whip a crappy. I'm going to drop you off, and I want you to think about what you said to me. Boy, oh boy, that was disappointing. Sounds like what your mom thinks you're doing after school. Whipping a crappy. I bet you guys were over there whipping crappies. Whipping crappies and huffing Elmer's glue off. Listen, if you're going to whip a crappy in there, just light a candle is all I ask. Whip a crappy? I hardly know her.

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It is time for your first pick. Oh, man. Okay, so much like David, I feel like, especially if this is my first dunk that I've ever, like, if it was the first dunk I've ever done, you'd have, it would be,

it would be pure nonsense. Yeah. Because it's just like it would be pure nonsense. Yeah. Right. Cause it's just like, everything's screaming out of you. So this is part of that story. Just be, so this is the very first dunk you've ever done,

like in a game. No, no, no. I'm just saying like, hypothetically, I've never dunked in a game. Well,

no, I'm saying like when it happens for the first time, it, it probably just, emotion just explodes out of you. So it's hard to think of exactly what I would say, but in the moment when I thought about it, I would yell, I'm from hell.

Whoa! Holy shit. Whoa! That's hard as fuck. That's so funny. Just looking right at him. I'm from hell! Yeah, man, that's terrifying.

That shit would fuck me up. Yeah. I'm from hell! I'd play some Loose D after that.. I'd play some loose D after that. I'd have a loose D after that. Loose D. I'm slanging that thing all over town. Yeah, I'm like trying to double team on guys who don't have the ball.

I'm playing jiggle D after that, dude. Switch when there's like nothing to switch about. Just switch him. Switch. Switch on this one. I'm from hell. Yeah. That's so insane.

Well, yeah, because you're like probably going insane in that moment, especially if you dunked on someone. I'd be worried that like. God, that's so tight. I do that thing that you do in traffic or whatever. When somebody says something, you do a comeback, but it doesn't make any sense. Oh, yeah.

They're like, fuck you. And you're like, fucking eat a child. And you're like man what god damn it I'm from hell that's off putting as fuck but also it would be so hard

if you saw somebody do that it changes the tone of the game for sure you gotta like you gotta tell your wife well you're married to him now I don't know do you know what your husband said out there i don't know i knew we should tell you i knew we shouldn't watch pickup basketball uh sean it's time for your first pick uh so i'm just gonna dunk on someone and then whoever i dunk on i'm just gonna know i'm gonna dunk on you and i lean

in i wish you guys could see the hand motion that he's doing because it's the opposite of a dunk. It's like a cat paw. You didn't do it with all five fingers the first time. You did it more with like, it looked like that, which was even. It's like when a cat's trying to figure out if light on the wall is a thing it can get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the first couple.

The cat paw. The cat paw situation. Or like you're a stepdad. You're not sure if you can like put your hand on your stepkid's shoulder to okay so you're dunking yeah i'm gonna so you to dunk. So you're pleasantly dunking on someone? I don't see it as that aggressive. It's more of a stylish, but I'm going to dunk on someone. And then the person I dunked on, I lean and I go, that was on national television.

And then I run down the court. And I specify national. And I don't scream it, but it's loud enough for the people around to hear. So I dunk, yuck, yuck, and I go, that was on national television. And I'm kind of jogging back when I say television. But that was on national television. Yeah, yeah. I can see that getting under someone's skin. I like that. I could, I dunk, yuck, yuck, and I go, that was on national television. And I'm kind of jogging back when I say television. That was on national television. Yeah, yeah. I can see that getting under someone's skin.

I like that. I could too. That's the goal with a lot of these. One hand or two hand? Probably one hand as a, you know, as a cat paws. He's going in there. He's stylish. He's kind of more of a, he's more of a George Gervin.

Yeah, think of, yeah, yeah, exactly. I was thinking like. Dr. Duncan Stein. Exactly. Yeah, this isn't, I. I was thinking like... Dr. Duncanstein. Exactly. I'm not placing it in the hoop. I'm not picturing an aggressive dunk, at least with that one. It's just like I got in there, dunk, and then the person

kind of off balance, they don't fall down, and I just go, that was on national television. Then I'm jogging back when I say television. Swear that you want to say anything on a mediocre dunk. That was on national television. Oh, it's a good dunk. I'm sorry. I'm not a mediocre, but it's more stylish. It's not like I barely got it in there.

Like the ball. What if the game wasn't on National Television? Are you still saying that? Yeah, that's what he's going to say. It was one of those Mexico City games. No, that was on local TV. That was on NBC Sports Northwest. No, this will be on right after Clueless on PBS.

This is on tape delay on ESPN's app. It's on the NBC Sports app. I just leaned in. I heard Ian Carmel got written consent from NBA Broadcasting so this will be on At The Crib later. And then I'm running back. That's on DVR, dude. And now we're running back. That's on simulcast.

Idiot. Yeah, everywhere. Variations. The whole world saw that. Stupid is you dum-da-dum-dum-dum-da stupid is you dumb i started listening to takashi 69 really good yeah you didn't know that no that was always the worst thing about him was those songs were really the songs are hard it's so good yeah i've never heard and that's how i get most of my stuff it's just by rolling around with you guys. Oh, yeah. No, it's good music. That shit will make you go to jail.

Yes. Yeah, we were sitting in here, and then I went out and fought someone on the way to the grocery store. Unbelievable. Glendalia. Right out there. Now, that was on national television. National television. You got to be pretty close to the guy.

So you're like, you deed him up, you're backpedaling. Yeah. I'm not whispering, but you know, it's like probably about as far as we are. Yeah. Like four feet or something like that. Perfect. I was on national television then. Yeah.

Then I'm on defense. Let's get her. All right, cool. Sub. Sub me out. You get out immediately. Time for my first pick. All right.

What do we got? With my first pick, I go in hard got with my first pick i go in hard dude i dunk on somebody hard i didn't even anticipate drawing out the dunks because i could yell this after any dunk but i go in like you can hear it you know maybe i yell a little bit no i don't yell maybe i yell on the way up dunk it there's a couple dudes under me neither of them jumped it's sort of a don't jump situation. Throw it down hard and then I yell out, Pornhub! Pornhub. You want to leave him

stunned for a second. I don't really know what it means, but I felt it. Yeah, right? I know what it means. Here's some insinuations. Pornhub. Pornhub. Yeah. Because it wasuations. Porn hub. Porn hub. Yeah. Because it was in his face? Yeah, part of it. They're going to have to draw their own conclusion.

There's a POV? Yes, that's part of it, but that's not the whole story. Also, part of it is just, what? Yeah. Yeah, you do want to confuse. Right. Did he yell out porn hub? Yeah, and then you're already up court.

Yeah. I would really like to hear the weirdest shit that people have actually said after a dunk gotta be some crazy i'm sure there's shit like that's what i'm saying i think it's just like something comes it moves through you and you just say something that's like from the subconscious yeah probably like porn porn up sick i yell it pretty loud like a lot of people in the crowd can hear it on threes you just whisper it my coach my coach can for sure hear it i can't i'm i can't i want to do that a voice and so bad and say pornhub but i won't i will not i shan't. Pornhub.

See, that's not it. Yeah, Pornhub. Yeah. There it is. Oh, no. It's not Pornhub. Oh, yeah, Pornhub. Oh, man.

Oh, gross. Marissa's bummed. Sorry, Marissa. She's so bummed. Pornhub, dude. I yell it real. I bellow it, in fact. Yeah, you got to bellow it. You guys Pornhub, dude. I yell it real. I bellow it, in fact. Yeah, you got to bellow it.

You guys Pornhub, guys? Me? X videos. X, X, N, X. X, X, N, X? Or X, N, X, X. Whichever one that is. I don't know that one.

Yeah, check it out. X videos. X videos. I used to be on X videos. Now I'm on X, N, X, X. Yep. Zach's not married, so he's raw. It's for you. It's still drawing and writing stories, right?

Ian came home late from work. We just find in the trash under a bunch of buffalo wing stuff, like a bunch of buffalo wing stuff. I heard Ian honking before he got home. stuff, like a bunch of buffalo. I heard Ian honking before he got home. Takashi 6ix9ine blared out the back of his Prius. It was going to be a good night. I could feel the blood rushing as Takashi

6ix9ine blared down the street. He was screaming Pornhub at all the neighbors. Pornhub. He just dunked on every child on the street. Pornhub. Damn, that's good though. It's got all the sounds you want i know yeah yeah perfect those are all the good big sounds porn hub that's my first one for my second dunk okay dunk on somebody land on the, kind of into their ear of the Beaverton Carmel's. Quiet.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I like that. Dignified. Those are aristocratic. Yeah. Those are the, when I was doing this, I'm starting to realize I like the ones that are

more like, like personal than the whole room hears it. Yeah. I was starting to be like, I want to get in someone's kitchen. I don't want to kind of get in everyone's kitchen. I want to really, really get one guy's kitchen. Yeah. I'm like,

fuck them up. And that dude again, like, okay, so you just, I'm guarding you. You just talked to you. Boom.

You just don't. Of the Beaverton car mills. Tells you a little bit about me, you know, in case they've never heard you talk. I'm not the first of the line. Yeah. You are of a long lineage.

There aren't any of us in Beaverton anymore, but you know, that was our original homeland that I hope to come back and conquer eventually. Mayor of Beaverton, dude. Your family sigil appears on their skin for like three weeks. I want someone to go back and be mayor of their hometown. I want someone that I know that grew up in a town, left,

then they go back and become mayor. I think it'd be fun. I think it's extremely feasible. I'll go do it. I'll run for mayor of Portland tomorrow. Tomorrow. How hard do you think? Portland would be trickier.

Does Beaverton have their own mayor? I almost feel like Beaverton would be trickier. I feel like I could fool a lot of Portland. Beaverton's a bunch of people who own a lot. You could get a wave going. I couldn't get a wave in Beaverton. All those people own homes and work for Intel and shit. They're like, yeah, but what are we going to do about the parks?

Yeah, right. I don't know. We'll talk about it at the Standard later. You coming to my jet ski parade on the Willamette. You know, I'm coming. Yeah. That would be fun. That should be your charity event.

The jet ski, the Ian Carmel first annual jet ski parade. Three legged jet ski race. Wow. You can do the footloose jet ski race, like just a jet ski under each foot. Wow. That would be goddamn tight. Wait, what's that Footloose? Oh, do they do that on cars in Footloose? It's tracked, or is it, it's cars.

The girl does it, the pastor's daughter, preacher's daughter, whatever. I'm not sure that I've seen the motion picture Footloose. Here's the thing. You have. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that sounds right. You've pretty much seen it.

It feels right. Have you seen the music video for Footloose? Yeah. From the hit movie Footloose. I've seen it. John Lithgow's like, you better not dance. And they're like, we want to. And then Sean Penn's like, I like to fight, but now I dance.

And then Kevin Bacon's like, my name's Ren from the city. Movie. Bam. Then Kenny Loggins went ahead and just threw it on. Yeah, then he put the sizzle on the steak. My real dad, by the way. I mean, the evidence is compelling. Yeah, it's crazy.'s crazy wild looking at a

young man i almost got to meet him too and i had to bail out i got sick what yeah man i really thought too like i'm gonna like i'm gonna walk past him he's gonna be like wait son come back i would if I met that dude from hot like you look as much like a young Kenny Loggins as I do like hot pie yeah but people bring up hot pie all the time man they're never spamming you with young Kenny Loggins how did your family or how did you almost meet Kenny Loggins

uh goddamn comedy jam one of the tapings he did a song and then I was like you know there was the VIP party afterwards but I got sick I threw up and I had to leave so matter of fact I got sick I threw up

and I had to leave it is pretty uncanny oh yeah dude it's insane how much Zach looks like young Kenny Loggins or young Kenny Loggins looks like Zach thank you put some respect on my name young Kenny Loggins or young Kenny Loggins looks like Zach. Thank you. Yeah. Put some respect on my name.

Young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, young Kenny Loggins, old Kenny Loggins, Are you my dad? Tell me the truth Are you my fucking dad? Tell me the truth. Are you my fucking dad? Tell me the fucking truth. Young Kenny Loggins. Old Kenny Loggins.

Young Kenny Loggins. Old Kenny Loggins. That was wild. I had to cover my eyes. That was bizarre. That was some weird shit. I started sweating. Yeah. My eyes, I had to cover.

Somebody crashed the car. Somebody just crashed a car. It sounds like we all did peyote. I just ate the weed gummy too, so I can't blame you on that. I don't know what the fuck just happened. Yeah. That was tight. I don't know if it was.

I'm different now. No, it was good, man. I think we invoked an ancient spirit. If it's Kenny Loggins based though, I feel like it can't be that negative. That's tight. I don't know if it was. I think we invoked an ancient spirit. If it's Kenny Loggins' bass, though, I feel like it can't be that negative. It's alright. Nobody worry about it. It just writes us a couple hits and leaves. Unless we just

found ourselves on the highway to the danger zone. But I'm alright. Oh, there you go. He really does soundtrack a lot of movies. Maybe we're out playing with the boys. I don't know. If that was the case, I'll just meet. Unless we were playing. Oh, there you go. Yeah. He really did soundtrack a lot of movies. Maybe we were out playing with the boys. I don't know. If that was the case,

I'll just meet you halfway across the sky. Wow. That's good. That was a deep cut. He did so many. He did I'm All Right, Playing with the Boys, Danger Zone,

Meet Me Halfway Across the Sky, Footloose. I was a fan of his House in Pooh Corner album. He did every song in Caddyshack, right? Did he? Are you saying or asking? Really? I'm saying.

Sean Jordan, it's time for your second pick. All right, so I'm running on the court, a little more aggressive. Yep. And I dunk, not really contested, but I just pick the closest person, and I go, look at me. Look at me. And then they don't want to look, and I'm bugging them on the inbound, and then they look, and I go, I did this to you.

And then I run back. Wow. You really want them to know that you disrespect. It's personal, man. I do what the dunk. I want someone to know. I just fucking slam it.

I go, look at me. You kind of did this. You kind of do get 10 seconds of diplomatic immunity after you dunk on someone that things you can say things that are allowed in that context that would never work. Otherwise, those first two,

a little, they're like the most serious picks I'm going to get. These are like dunks that matter. This isn't like schoolyard. These are like, hey, these are points on the board that we needed to win this game. And it's a high stakes situation. Because that's pretty, you know,

those aren't fucking around words. I did this to you. I did this to you. I cost you your championship. That is some origin story shit for a superhero. I did this to you. I did this to you. I cost you your championship. That is some origin story shit for a superhero. Man. I did this to you. That's some Arya Stark.

Yeah. Look at me. And then maybe they look at you right away, and then you're backed up a little bit by the free throw line. He's like, I did this to you, like yelling at him. You know? I feel it. No, I want you to.

Like that? I just turn it. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Man, that's way crazier when you have the handlebar mustache. Oh, yeah. That really elevates it, actually.

This is a whole other thing. There's a new tone. Look at me. Yeah, dude. Whole room got different. Then you go down court and get hard fouled. Hard fouled. Yeah, exactly.

He should have been looking for his beak. He should have made his eyes peeled for his beak. His beak. So on his beak big to tell him that I'm standing there going to see the pig because I'm the thunder's big

that's what Stephen Adams said one day one day like when he ran into him and he's the interviewer was like yeah that was on his big he should have said

to look out for the other big on the other team while he was standing there it was a fair check he was on his big he's right it is on the other big he was on his big he was's right. It is on the other big.

He was on his big. He was so cute. And that's where he should have hit his big, should have hit his back a little bit and told him that I was standing there ready to sit a pick.

It's not my fault. It was a fair pick. Love that guy. I do love Steven Adams. It's so nice that as the basketball playoffs are continuing that like I can be like,

yeah, Nicole, we talked about this before, but like Jokic is rad and I can be like, yeah, Nicola, we talked about this before, but Jokic is rad. And I can be like that again. Yeah. Because you have to hit everybody with that. I had to unfollow this dude, who's not even a Denver fan. But he's like a big, well, he's a national basketball blogger. But he was just so, his Portland shit talk.

Say his name, Zach Harper. Yeah, it was Zach Harper. I had to unfollow him. Anyway, anyway. Yeah, big shots to harper zach discotti yes sir second one second dunk i got okay so i it's kicked out to me i'm in the corner for three i pump it yes shake one defender in the air going down the baseline yeah big man's crashing so i i bring it under like do a 360 and dunk over him and then i go in this exact tone and now that let that be a lesson to you that's one of the that that is fan now let that be a lesson to you Now let that be a lesson to you. Now let that be a lesson to you. Because we were talking about it last night.

I would be a weird player. I would just say bonkers shit just for who gives a shit. Like how Gilbert Arenas used to yell hibachi after he would shoot deep threes and shit. Hibachi. Hibachi. That's such a good. It's so perfect. It's perfect.

That's what I mean. These things just got to be. They just got to come from your heart. It doesn't have to mean anything. Yeah. That's such a good, it's so perfect. It's perfect. That's what I mean. These things just gotta be, they just gotta come from your heart. It doesn't mean anything. I have to mean anything. Yeah. Yeah. And I think something that silly would shake that.

Like, when do you say it back on the ground? When they're on the ground, it's like immediate after I come down there on the ground. Now let that be a lesson to you. What would they even, could you, I don't even think you get teed up for that.

No, I don't think so. It's like that thing where you're like, shit he by letter of the law he didn't do anything wrong but now it's almost more disrespectful yeah yeah i like that well what did you do wrong there now let that be a lesson to you what would you do different next time and you just put your finger like real close to the shoulder but don't't touch it. Then they slap your hand and they get teed up. Here, let me, I just got some game tape here, so we can just review this frame by frame. Rapid reaction.

David Boyd, time for your second and third picks. So my second pick, I go up for the oop in traffic again. Jam it on this dude. Hard. Jam it on this dude. Dude's on the ground he looks at me perfect timing i look down at him in a distinct patois and i say bumbleclot what were you not what are you not into when you're writing these down what didn't you think

was dope about these i don't know i thought It was awesome. I thought nobody was going to think that was cool like I do. You know how fucking sick it'd be if that happened on TV? Oh my God. If I saw somebody do that and they're like, what do you think he said?

You just see him going. Patrick Ewing was from Jamaica. I wonder if he ever said some shit like that. Somebody's done it. Had to have, right? Somebody is for sure. It was probably Mason Plumlee. It could be. Bum-a-clot. Bum-a-clot. of right somebody is for sure it's too many probably mason plumbly because that would be even crazy why is here did he just did mason

just this fucking indiana super soldier man because there have to have been there's enough players who are like either from Jamaica or have West Indian parents and shit like that. Yeah. Who had to like. It's too good to have not. Bumba clot. Bumba clot.

Man. I'd buy your jersey if that surfaced. Oh, yeah. I'd buy a customized one that said Bumba clot on the back. I wonder if you can get a customized or if NBA is hip to like that, where you can't, you know. Oh, yeah. Because you can't get one that said Bumper Cloud on the back. I wonder if you can get a customized one if NBA's hip to like that, where you can't, you know. Oh, yeah. Because you can't get one that's like Fart Boy or whatever.

You can't? No. No, or like boobs. You can't get boobs? No. You really? Yeah, you can't get a jersey. Put on Chester boobs.

No, there is. You got to call in, man. Up the Milwaukee boobs. There was two weeks where we just saw Ian on his laptop typing every kind of word in there. Chode? nudes god damn it what about poke smart 420 porn hub if you just had an official blazer dude that said porn hub on the back you have to make that yourself you gotta go it go. It's so funny. What if, what if like Zion changed his legal last name to Pornhub and then put up a

fight? Like Zion Pornhub. Zion Pornhub. I want it to say Pornhub on the back of my pelvis. Nobody's going to see it anyway. People are like, man, I must've had a lot of hurricanes.

Poor. Uh, I feel bad for Zion a little bit. I mean, as bad as you can feel for a 19-year-old, one of the best athletes I've ever seen. And I love New Orleans, but when you're like, I'm going to go build my brand and my empire, you're like, oh, the city that doesn't care about basketball at all. Yeah, that's football town, dude.

Big time football. That's football country. That's all everyone was talking about. Well, they had the other best prospect of the last decade. AD? Yeah, and he just don't care. But anyway. So, Bamba Club.

And your third pick. So this one, I'm running a fast break again. I crash. I kind of fall. And then like I roll into the audience and then my face is right in the camera. Oh yeah. Wink, million dollar smile. I say, I'm slicker than worms burn.

And then I just run away. Cause then it's like ESPN got it. You know what I mean? And just like big smile. Wink, big smile. Like I know what I'm doing out here. The next day, is Stephen A. Smith on your side or against you? Lord willing, he's not.

I hate him. So you think he's mad about it? You can't be out here! I don't know if I can do a Stephen A. Smith. Is that racist? I don't know if you want to do a Stephen A. Smith. It's more of a volume, really. It's a volume thing, but it still feels like maybe I shouldn't be doing a Stephen A. Smith impression. I've always gone with, if I feel like I shouldn't be doing it, I should.

Yeah. Well, Colin, I'm pulling myself from the game. He might be with it. He might actually be with it. I think he might be with it. I should. Yeah. I'm pulling myself from the game. He might be. He might actually be with it. I think it might be with the slick of the worm sperm. I'm going to do it. Madge like ladies listening. This is the sexiest I'll ever look. Michael Jordan wink.

Dwayne Wade smile. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm still to the worm sperm and it's going to be one of those things where there's everything going. So you almost only be able to read my lips. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like a few people around me, like, you know, the one overactive white guy in the crowd will like pat me on the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just like run backwards, but we'll know. Yeah. We'll know. I mean, NBA Twitter would be all over that.

Yeah, I think so. Worldwide Wobb doing like a breakdown of how you said I'm slick of the worm sperm. Yeah. And this is like rookie me. This is like. Damn. So do you with the different haircuts? Me with the wild hair.

Like upstart. Is the kid going to be. Can he handle it? The veteran's going to pull you aside and be like, yo, you can't be doing that anymore. I love when you see footage of a player in their rookie year and you're like, oh, yeah, they look like that. Yeah. Because nobody could tell them no in college. Nobody was around to be like...

Jason Kidd had the high top fade. AI had the little mini fro, no braids. Kobe had like a fro too. Yeah, that's true. Kobe did have a fro, yeah. It was sick. Kobe's fro looked awesome. Yeah.

I loved it. It was a precursor to the Ben Wallace. Steve Nash had like bleach blonde hair, right? Wasn't it? Something like that. Nash and Dirk both had tips. Oh, that's right. Remember that picture?

That's right. From the tips era. Yeah, oh yeah. There's a famous picture of, I think it's like their. Oh yeah, they're like wasted at a college party or something. Oh no, that's not what I was thinking. There's a bunch of them when they played in Dallas together where they'd go out partying and people would just take these pictures.

That's awesome. Hammer. Fully gone. Slug of the worms. Zach, time for you a third pick. All right. So this one, I would dunk on this pretty vicious, like where they fall hard on their back and I come down and then I offer my hand.

They grab it. I pull them up and then I embrace them and I go, it's not your fault. Whoa! Goodwill hunting. Goodwill hunting. Goodwill dunking. Oh, man.

Goodwill dunking. It's not your fault. That's so good. It's not your fault. I'm like trying to picture all these things you're saying happening in one game. Yeah, exactly. When you open with I'm from hell.

The same player. I forgot about that. I'm like trying to picture all these things you're saying happening in one game. Yeah, exactly. When you open with I'm from hell. The same player. I forgot about that. I'm from hell. It's not your fault. Your second and third ones are both like pretty posse. Yeah. I'm from hell.

I'm from hell is not your fault. That dude would shove you so hard. Man. Yeah. It's actually scarier to hear someone scream like a breakaway. You're the only defender and someone's just barreling down and they're I'm for mail as they're driving I feel like when you yell that they like

maybe don't go up for the block you gotta yell that in traffic tomorrow maybe I will I'm from hell let me through instead of go to hell I'm from the place I'm damning you to guess what? You're not built for it.

I could see you having said that already. Get a smoke machine in your car. So it just looks smoky. What am I going to say? I haven't said it. Honey, I saw this demon drive into the CBS parking lot. This big guy in a pretty,

he said he's from hell. I had no choice but to believe him. There's no reason not to. He doesn't have a bumper. Maybe they just don't have bumpers in hell. They don't believe in him. No, it's not your fault.

It's a fun, it's a fun psycho thing to say to somebody. Yeah. I am very calm right in their ear. Only they can hear it. That's the thing. They probably push you away. And then you do that thing where you put your arms up like, well, I don't know right in their ear. Only they can hear it. That's the thing. They probably push you away. And then you do that thing where you put your arms up like,

well, I don't know what he's doing. They freak out and spit on you and like, what would you say? Three point. Man, I said, don't worry about it.

Yeah. Listen, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. I maybe do the fist on the, on his back and do that little, like kind of the jabbing on the back. You know, it's not, it's not your fault. Yeah. Yeah. It's not your fault. Oh fist on the, on his back and do that little, like kind of the jabbing on the back. You know,

it's not, it's not your fault. Yeah. Yeah. It's not your fault. Oh, like the, like the hug.

Like, yeah, I haven't seen you in 10 years. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're just sending them on a rollercoaster of emotions.

They hate you. Now they're kind of like, I guess that was pretty nice, but it is someone's fault. But also I just got dunked on. The next day, he's just like, Coach, actually, yeah, so he said that's not, it wasn't my fault.

The video the next day? Yeah, yeah. Man, you got to close out faster, Coach. Listen, straight from the horse's mouth, not my fault. Listen, I can take your word for it. Or I can take Zach Boom Boom Toscani's word for it. Sean, tell me your third pick. Fast break. I beat everybody.

I'm in the open lane. I dunk it. And the two dudes coming up. Your dunk is as bad as your dab. What's wrong? When you said fast break, you went through your legs. Oh, I don't need to like. But it's through your legs, Dunk?

I don't know what I'm just kind of. Picking you apart, man. I know. I'm sorry. Just for sitting here. I thought it to like, but it's through your leg stunk. I don't know what I'm just kind of picking you apart, man. I know. I'm sorry. Just for sitting here. I thought it was like part of it. You're a lower body athlete more than an upper body athlete. We all have to come to peace with that.

I guess I'm just going to sit here and do it then instead of, instead of motioning anything, I'll just sit here with my legs on a tight cross. Like I'm going to read Moby Dick to everybody in front of the fireplace with this mustache and a Spitfire t-shirt on. Fast break. I beat everyone down the court and then I dunk it. Nobody's caught up to me yet.

And then there, as they're going to inbound it, I go, he's heating up. And then I give one of them a butt pat. Whoa, that's cool. And you give him an attaboy? Yeah. A little NBA jam action. I go, he's heating up. And then I butt pat the one who I beat.

Like the one who was closest to me. Give him like a, nah, you're falling up better than you. He's heating're falling up better than you yeah yeah yeah man you've always wanted to do that you didn't use any of your turbos you know i was just i just licked everyone whipped him down the court nobody was close i dunk it first person that i see the old lick whip and dunk i'm seeing it like you got in a passing lane took the ball and you're just clearly... Yeah, I'm out there. He's at the rim in three steps. Yeah. Dunk it, and then I go, he's heating up. Give him a little attaboy, and then that'll piss you off too,

but that's a little more lighthearted, a little more playground-y, right? Yeah. That's not like you don't want to fuck someone up after they did that. Yeah, you could do that in a pickup game. You just want to go dunk on them, you know? You're a pretty good NBA Jam player?

I was a fairly good NBA Jam player. Who was your squadron? Always the, always the Hornets. Always the Hornet. Maybe, maybe the Sonics every now and again, but pretty much Hornets.

How about you? All right. What's going on? Oh, I don't, I think I just played with every team. I didn't really have one or have any allegiance. No,

baby. His, his, his crip heart is beating out of it you what do you mean you weren't loyal you were had your loyalty what if you went to prison you ain't loyal to no one anybody okay but in prison man that's hard to believe the nuggets or were you with the Nuggets? No, Sonics probably in the day, right? Sonics mostly, but yeah, I also bounced around. There were so many good guys on that game. I feel no need to answer the question. Who were the Blazers in that game? It was Clyde and who?

It was, I think, Clyde and Porter. Oh, you're right. You're right. It was. Yeah, yeah. Damn. The perfect combination. Clyde, dude, balding.

Terry Porter, balding. Balding. Was he bald in the game? Terry Porter? No, no did balding. Terry Porter, bald, bald. Was he bald in the game? Like, no, no. Quiet. Sure.

Okay. Cause they, on their little man, that sucks. He's like, Oh, you got this little technology, but you went ahead and went out of your fucking way.

For God's sake, you can't just put hair on everyone. Like he used to give me three extra pixels. You just saw him ask. He let me out used to. Give me three extra pixels. That's all I'm asking. Even me out, dog. Hey, is NBA Jam ready yet? My wife plays this game. You just took the olden Polynesian avatar and made it balder. That's Detlef's hair?

You're going to say that? That's Detlef? Yeah. We're going to have to push the release date. Clyde's not all the way bald yet, and we can't have the game coming out without Clyde being all the way bald. Yeah, we're not going to make Christmas of 94. Yeah, we're going to have to push. release date. Clyde's not all the way bald yet, and we can't have the game coming out without Clyde being all the way bald. We're not going to make Christmas of 94.

Yeah, we're going to have to push. It's more of an Easter release now. Did you ever get to the secret players where you could play as Bill Clinton? I just heard rumors. I never saw it. There were codes. You didn't have to get anywhere. We had Wonderland in Oregon,

and that was an arcade that you paid to get into. And then all the games were free. And, uh, yeah, people were just like, whoever these kids who were in the know for whatever reason, put in those codes. And then like, so all those games had it. You can be like Darth Vader, California, Russian shit. They were all, Wonderlands were all over the place.

Okay. Yeah. That's where Tony is. Yeah. I don't know why. Tony Loke used used to work. Yeah. I don't know why. Tony Locke used to work there. Yeah. Anyway.

Yeah. It's like he called Medina. Yeah, man. Just a little, he's heating up. He's heating up. I love it. All right. Time for my third and fourth.

For my third one, it's a reverse slam. Oh, really? All right. It's a reverse slam. So like, bam, behind him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a reverse slam, so like bam, behind you. Do you do a pump in the middle? It's a pump reverse slam. Legs kind of wide to make way

for the pump. There's guys around me, but they don't really go for it. And as soon as I dunk it, hanging from the rim, I find a camera, stare down at it, and say, a Dick Wolf production. Dude! Yeah! Dun dun. Dun dun.

Exactly. Oh my God. That's so good. Especially heinous dunks. They call them the. Oh my God. I wish I knew that whole intro. That's man. I get it. I whole intro. That's, man, I get it.

I saw it. You really, like, as soon as you said that, I saw it. A Dick Wolf production. Dick Wolf's production. Dun, dun. Man, what a lucky guy. He's named Dick Wolf, and he has more money than God. Dick Wolf.

Dick Wolf. Doesn't he, what's his, he has two boats? One for each of you? I mean, listen, if your name is Dick Wolf, you're not going to end up with two boats? Man, one for Dick and one for Wolf. They're different boats, dude. Which boat do you want to go on, sweetheart? Dick or Wolf?

You pick. SVU or just straight up classic? Criminal Intent. I got two boats here. Criminal Intent would be a dope name for a boat. That would be. I don't know, man. One of his boats is a misdemeanor,

but I swear to God, he's got like one boat named Guilty and one named Not Guilty or something like that. Whoa. You should. Dick Wolf's divorce settlement, the 12-year battle over Dick Wolf's fortune. Wait, he died?

No. No, these are all things Ian thought about saying. No. No, these are all things Ian thought about saying. Yeah. Dick Wolf. Dick Wolf. It's all of your battle over Dick Wolf.

I never stopped to think about what Dick Wolf might look like, but he looks like it. Let me see. Oh, that's a Dick Wolf. Yeah, Dick Wolf, dude. That is a Dick wolf for sure. What do you think dick wolf looks like, Sean? Like dick wolf?

Yep. Zach? Like wolf dick. Wolf dick's gnarlier. I think wolf dick looks gnarlier than dick wolf. He does look like wolf dick a little bit. Yeah. He looks like a big old wolf dick. He looks like he's been chewed on.

When he fills out an application, it's wolf comma dick. Yeah, dick wolf. comma dick. Yeah. Dick wolf, a dick wolf production. Yeah. So that's what I fucking dunk it, dude. Law and order. A reverse dunk. You just find the camera, a dick wolf production.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to dick wolf. Yeah. Dick wolf getting a lot of play right here. Time for my fourth one. Ooh. here. Time for my fourth one.

Ooh. Okay, so with my fourth one. Sure. This is a little breezier, right? So this is, I do jump a passing lane. I'm like getting to the rim in like two, like kind of two dribbles. I'm like pretty far down the court.

I'm running very gracefully. I maybe do that kind of like jump run kind of thing on my way to the rim yeah yeah and then i put the hand behind the back on the one or behind the head yeah you know kind of like you're like leaning back relaxing but just with one hand and with the other one as soon as i take off you hear Annie Lennox. Oh, yeah. You're in the air. In the air? Well, no, I dunk in real air.

This is all part of it. So when I take off and I start it, dunk. Ground. I love that Annie Lennox song. And that's a soft one. Why? Yeah. And like, it's not a hard dunk. What? It's really, I'm really putting Lennox song. And that's a soft one. Why? Yeah.

And like, everyone's going to be like, what? That's really, I'm really putting baby to bed, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Now the weed gummy did kick in. I don't know if I would have, I don't know if I would have taken that one without it. No, that's the beauty. Yeah.

But me singing in my best Annie Lennox, the song, why? Which is a cut by the beauty. Yeah, but me singing in my best Danny Lennox, the song Why. Which is a cut, by the way. Why? It's good. So that's my fourth one. Sean, time for your fourth pick.

All right. This is, this is, I'm going to pick something weird too, because you just did. So I'm going to dunk and, uh, it's pretty hard, like a pretty hard double handed dunk on someone. And then I just land and I go, I go,

what's up, Ryan? Cause that's, that's what Patrick chewing says in his Snickers commercial. Do you remember the first Snickers commercials? Patrick chewing and he dunks and he goes, what's up, Ryan? Yeah. He just dunks on a dude.

And I guarantee anyone in the NBA is going to get that. They're going to be like, damn, he just Patrick Chewing'd me. What's up, Ryan? You just Patrick Chewing'd me. He just Patrick Chewed me. Let me tell you, Patrick Chewing is a lot different thing where I come from. That's all I'm going to say. What do you guys do? Like every old Patrick Chewing, you see. It's going down on a woman different thing where I come from. That's all I'm going to say. What do you guys do?

I gave her the old Patrick Chewing, you see. It's going down on a woman on St. Patrick's Day. Oh, Chewing. Chewing. Ian's face. This has been a weird night for you. Yeah, man. Yeah, we really blew our load early.

We're going to be too hard. I got nothing left in the brain. I'm like making food out of the back of the fridge. You know what I mean? Oh, man. We really blew our load early. We're working too hard. I got nothing left in the brain. I'm like baking food out of the back of the fridge. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I'm like pulling out capers. Dipping Triscuits in baking soda. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. We've been recording quite a few of these because of this. Like, we'll all be gone for a little bit. And so this doesn't even come out until June 6th. This won't come out. I mean, unsweetened baking chocolate. That bitter ass shit. Oh, yeah.

With maple syrup on it. Raw cacao. Oh, yeah. Cacao nibs for sure. Anyway, dude. Man, I've. What's up, Ryan? Yeah.

Patrick Ewing. That was just all at Frat and Adam back in the day. Every time that commercial was on. What's up, Ryan? Shit is so funny to me. Because Ryan was just all frat and Adam back in the day. Every time that commercial was on, what's up, Ryan? It's so funny to me because Ryan was just some kid. Patrick Ewing is a coach. He's the coach of Georgetown now. Can you imagine Patrick Ewing coaching you?

No. Like he's shouting at you? Uh-uh. That'd be too hard to handle. Saying crazy Jamaican shit. Yeah, right? He's saying Bamba bomba clot like luckily these kids now weren't around when he's playing otherwise it'd be extra scary but even still

he's a seven foot tall guy with a big mustache and he does not look happy no he does not look happy he never looks happy even when he's smiling yep yeah patrick ewing no he never did once never looked happy ever win a ring he did right no he never did once. Never looked happy. Ever win a ring? He did, right? No, he never did. He was in the wrong era, man. Yeah. She was in the G-Funk era. Not a big deal. Funked out with a gangster twist, dude.

We're creeping into a whole new era. G-Funk. Step to this. I dare you. Funk on a whole new level. The rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble chords strings we brings melodies g funk where rhythm is life and life is rhythm i always felt like if i was in there when he did that part i'd have been like so you're gonna you're gonna rap again i never you want that back

yeah yeah yeah why are we like when you're acting and you're doing something the director knows they're gonna cut it and they're just like yeah okay sion it is time for your fourth pick nope no i'm kidding you just took it zach it is time for your fourth pick. Just kidding. Fucking got you, Sean. God, you fell for it so hard, too. I was just going to say nope when I dunked on someone. What's up, Ryan? Nope. Man, so fourth one.

Boy, this one's tough. What am I going to pick last? This is hilarious. Because I just either have really inspiring or real crazy. Yeah, that's inspiring or real crazy. Yeah, that's you. Go crazy. Yeah, that's you.

You're doing that whisper thing again. You nailed it. Okay, so I would go fourth pick. I still love you, but the dynamic of our relationship has changed. Wow. That is a lot to say after you're out of breath. You don't do it afterwards. It's like on the jog back.

Oh, okay. So you let it sit for a while. Like, oh, maybe he's not going to say anything. And then they're posted out for a quarter to three, and you go, listen, man, I still love you, but the dynamic for our relationship has changed. Like, what if Seth says that to Steph at some point? Or vice versa. I'm older than you.

I mean, yeah. On the run back is a little, you know, lose. It loses some of its impact. It's a long thing, but it's,

it's made it seem like I've really contemplated it. Yeah. I've really thought about it. Like, are you like, yeah, mostly quiet during the game for a second after the dunk. But like,

do you, I wonder if he's looking at you, expecting some shit talk. He probably has to be, right? They've been playing the whole game. This is the guy who said, I'm from hell to somebody. That's true. He's already been wild. And the previous few possessions, is he like,

something bugging you? Hey, are you okay? I'm good, man. I'm good. It bugging you. Are you okay? You're like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm good, man. I'm good. I'm all good. It's all good. Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm good, man. I'm going through it, but that's me, man. That would be a devastating thing to hear from someone because it's so formal. Yes. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never like been in love with someone where I was like, when then it gets that formal immediately, it's like, well, this baby, you don't still love me. Yeah, exactly. That's cool. It's like, well, this baby, you don't still love me. Yeah, exactly. That's cool. It's a cool thing to say. But the dynamic of our relationship. Like a text that's like, I'm texting you regarding our relationship. You're like, oh, it's over. I'm texting into a whole new era. I don't like it.

Autocorrect step to me. I dare you. I don't. I don't like it. I don't like this draft. I don't like that. You should like this draft, though.

I know. It's been good. That's what I thought when it was going on. With your fourth pick and fifth pick, you can really turn it around. You think that, but that's. What's there to turn around? I think you've had a good one so far. Not what's going to happen.

I do too. All right, my next one. I used to say this around the house in Sylvan House. My friend Spencer said it to me one time, but it just was so, it's just like a funny grouping of words to say. Yeah. And I want to say it like, this one I dunk.

And like, you know when you like, he's right there, and then we end up face to say it like this one i dunk and like you know when you like he's right there and then we end up face to face like standing like i duck and then the defense and i just go the butter's in the fridge that's the best shit because it doesn't mean anything yeah like you say that to someone and they're gonna think it's some like old shit talk that I want to be looking hard at him. Yeah. Yeah, that works, man.

Yeah, it definitely works. For some reason it just works. You don't know why it works. It's quick. Those words go together well. So it's, it's easy to,

it butters in the fridge. Like if you just knock somebody out and you said that, you'd be like, shit, you don't think you were watching a movie. And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Wesley Snipes. You know shit you don't think you're watching a movie and i don't know i don't know i don't know wesley snipes you know money train i don't know i don't fucking know walton goggins

and walton goggins is like damn for the count and then wesley snipes says the butt is in the fridge and then walks off yeah that's a cool moment yeah it is it's just a cool thing to say i like the uh i don't know i don't't know, Walton Goggins, because you threw him in there. I get what you're saying about the draft, because this is, of all the ones we've done, this is the most, there's no real right answer. It's almost too goofy. There's no real point to make.

Yeah, I don't know. That's the hard part for me. I don't have any points. However. It's goofy. However, in many ways, because of that, it's the perfect one to be doing right now. Yeah. When I'm in the weirdest mood I've ever been in.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But not ever. No. I like it, man. I got a mustache. I couldn't be doing a normal draft tonight.

This is all, we are all strange versions of ourselves. I feel like that's also happening. Yeah. What's up with you, though? I'm a leaseholder. That's all new. This isn't going to affect my standing with my leaseholder. That's all new. Any last ones?

I'm taking a note out of Ian Carmel's because I wasn't sure we were going to be able to sing. This is just something real flashy, like in between the leg legs or something like that i land i slap the ground once yes and then as i stand up i go the beginning of yeah you have to tell me what the beginning what movie that's from perfect man

I feel like nobody's gonna even be mad at you if you do that that song elicits feelings of joy it'd be fun if you grabbed the ball like Simba right but anyways Naza Kenya or whatever that word is Toscani your final pick

this is not even to just the person who I dunked on, but to everyone in the arena. Wow. And I go all caps, y'all don't know me. Y'all don't know me. Oh, that's great. I feel like that one's happened.

Oh, for sure. It means so many, it could mean so many different things. It's a real Pete Webber one, too, where you're just like, oh, you're just shouting it at the universe. Who do you think you are? Yeah. Show yourself! Yeah, show yourself. Y'all don't know me!

They know one thing about you. You're from hell, dude. Yeah. That's what they know. That's where you are, doc. That's why it's so nasty. Sean, your final pick? I got a real weird one, but it feels like it's a bite of yours, so I'm not going to say it.

Will you marry me? I'll say it at the end. Well, it's just an odd one. So this last one, I'm just going to dunk it. I look at the person I dunked on, and I go, you miss 100% of the shots you do take. Whoa. Oh, a diss and a turn of phrase.

Blame Gretzky over there. Yeah over there yeah yeah yeah i say you miss 100% of the shots you do take and then i shimmy back down like a big part of all this in my fantasy is i'm shimmying back staring at him like yeah you you live for the back shim i do i just want to see what they're like fuck you like a like a like a like a chunky stripper that's the second time today what someone's called me a chunky stripper. That's the second time today. What? Someone's called me a junkie stripper. Oh, really?

Yeah. Was the first time me? No. No, it was just I was running like that down the street. Oh, yeah. Well, you were back shimmying. If you go through the Taco Bell drive-thru like that, you don't have to have a car. I'll give it to you.

That's what Sean found out. Dude. Me and Zach were in the Wendy's drive-thru, and some lady was making a real campaign for not having a car. Really? Dude, she was. Behind us. We got to, I rolled down the windows, I turned off the radio,

we heard the whole thing. Wasn't somebody mad embarrassed, too? Well, she had a friend with her, and her friend was like, absolutely not. We are not doing this. He had all their luggage. I had no idea what was going on. What?

There was luggage? Yeah. I don't know where they were coming from. I don't know where they were. I mean, I know where they were going. Yeah, not, yeah. Wendy's. Going to fucking Wendy's, bro. And it was like a long line of cars. So it was like three cars in front,

her, three cars behind. Yeah, there were three cars behind me and she was, I mean. She went into her turn? Did she move up or did she jump in front of somebody? No, she moved up. She was like right up on my bumper. Yeah, she was three cars behind me, and she was... She waited her turn? Did she move up, or did she jump in front of somebody? No, she moved up. She was, like, right up on my bumper. Yeah, she was right on his ass. We don't know how the situation played out.

They didn't get their food. The dining room was closed? The dining room was closed. So what happened was they got up, and they started talking, and then I don't think it registered that anyone was there. So they just let a car go and then went up to that car and was like, hey, we're going to, but I don't know if it works.

It's hilarious. Wendy's dude. They missed a hundred percent of the shots that they did take. Yeah, man. Uh, time for my final pick. And with my final pick,

man, there's a few here. There are a few here. All right. I dunk it. Dunk it. I land on the ground. Uh-huh.

Pat the guy on the back, and I'm like, call your dad. Oh, no. That's so disrespectful. See, like half of these are real world, and half of these are like ridiculous. That's a real world, where you're just like, call your dad. Call your dad. Man, that would piss somebody off. You have to say it flippantly.

Oh, dude. Yeah. Call your dad. Call your dad. He knows. He's going to come pick you up. Give him a call. He's going to come pick you up.

Yeah, no, it'll be all right. He's not going to be mad at you forever. Let him know you're okay. Can I get, so I've learned in voiceover, you got to give three takes. Give me three call your dads real fast. Call your dad. Call your dad. Call your dad. Call your dad. It's okay.

Take more if you gotta find it. Call your dad. Call your dad. There it is. I like the tone on that. Call your dad. Can I get two more just like that? Call your dad. Call your dad. There you go. Call your dad call your dad there you go call your dad that's ridiculous freestyle a couple yeah hey call your dad yeah let me get a couple wilds all right call your dad call your dad call your dad call your dad call your dad. Call your dad. Room tone?

Yeah. No. Alright, cool. Alright, thanks. Thanks, Ian. I'll give you a call. We did a room tone earlier on accident. I felt better about the first one. I just didn't want to leave any stone unturned. What is the room tone? What is that again?

What does it do? It's the tone of the room. It's like how the room sounds when nothing's like white noise. I get it. But yeah, it's just like how the room sounds when nothing's like, yeah, I get it. Uh, but yeah, call your dad. Call your dad.

Call your dad. Call your dad. Call your dad. That concludes one of the weirder AFVs we've done. One of the weirder ones, but there was some moments, you know, for God's sake.

Cream jeans. Yeah, that was this episode. That's right. That felt like it was in August. Uh, David, you went first and you know, for God's sake. Cream jeans. Yeah, that was this episode. That's right. That felt like it was in August. David, you went first and you took Guantanamera! And then Bamba Clot. And then

I'm slicking the worm sperm. Wink and a smile too. Wink and a smile. And then the butter's in the fridge. And then, yeah, it's a benya! After a slap. Yeah. Zach, you went second. You took, I'm from hell. And then, now let that be a lesson. Yeah. Zach, you went second. You took, I'm from hell. And then, now let that be a lesson to you.

And then, it's not your fault. And then, I still love you, but the dynamic of our relationship has changed. And then, y'all don't know me. Sean, you went third. You took, now that was on national television. And then, look at me. Look at me. I did this to you.

And then, he's heating up. And then, what's up, Ryan? And then, you missed 100% of the shots you do take. I went last and I took Porn Hub. And then, of the Beaverton Carmels

and then a Dick Wolf production. Yeah. Why? Which I'll admit was a weird one. And then I finished up with Call Your Dad.

If you saw all these lists you would never in a hundred years guess what they correspond to no way listeners should do that show the list to people I'm gonna send it to some people

I'm gonna text it to Katie Nolan what do you think we drafted shout out to Katie Nolan send it to Katie Nolan I'm gonna send it to Miel. And then who's like another super, maybe Mikey? Yeah. Send it to Mikey and Harper and see if any of the four of them can even come close.

Nobody's going to get it. Can even come close. I'll put money on that. Yeah. So many of them are going to throw them off. We left everything you could possibly say on the board. I mean, I had Fl had flavor flavor at one point yeah yeah boy i'd be a good one snap into a slim jim oh that's good i had one where it was just

bong water yeah i like that yeah i was booyah gonna say by men and by men and oh that would seem like the big wolf one here endeth the lesson well that's a good one. You left here endeth the lesson on the board. I thought it's pretty close to and let that be a lesson to you. Yeah, good call. Did you know that on this day in history, I dunked on you? Oh, what about wise James crying? Oh, that's a good one.

Oh, yeah. Why is James crying? I almost took DiCaprio. Uh-huh. Man, that'd be tight. So anything, though. We want to hear yours, all family. I really, really, really do.

Oh, yeah. If anything, just to hear from the outside world to make sure it's real. This might be a fever dream. They should just put the video up on Twitter, like reply with a video of them doing their five or something. Oh, I wouldn't mind that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send us videos. That's actually a great idea. So they can give put the video up on twitter like reply with a video of them doing their five oh i wouldn't mind that yeah yeah yeah send us videos that's actually a great idea dunk it into trash cans dunk it sinks i want to see somebody dunk a baby into a bassinet oh fuck or maybe some kind of cgi i don't know about i don't know man i don't know

i'm not trying to get cps at your babies are tough we forget that yeah sometimes yeah brick shithouses those those babies, you know? They're thick. It's really hard to kill them. They're like little loaves of coffee cake, you know? They're dense. Uh-huh. Send us yours at AllFantasyPod on Twitter.

Please do. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Hey. Shout out to super producer Marissa sorry about this one I don't know I think she enjoyed it

she's killing tomorrow's man she put up that like soundboard that shit we can say she killed on the James Corden episode

the Louis Lameth episode that shit sound it looks so complicated it looks I know that's crazy my nose started bleeding when I look at it

she's putting in all the songs that were all fucking up I'm sure yeah oh man yeah except for James amazing singer he's a beautiful singer yeah to bleeding when I look at it. She's putting in all the songs that we're all fucking up, I'm sure. Oh, man, yeah. Except for James. Amazing singer.

He's a beautiful singer. Yeah, dude. Shout out to everyone on the Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. We really, really appreciate it. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Lance Bangs. Shout out, Lance.

Shout out to Lance Mountain. Shout out to lance bangs shout out yeah yeah hell yeah shout out to lance mountain yeah to mount hood yeah shout out to rodney hood sure shout out to rod strickland yeah shout out to strickland uh propane shout out to rod stewart in rod we trust yeah shout out to uh champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. Ooh. Shout out to current Kenny Loggins. Yeah. Ooh. Shout out to Sansu Carmel. Hi.

Shout out. Yeah. Shout out Mary Toscani. Yeah. Shout out Kelly Jordan. How you doing? Sarah Borey. I don't know if she's listening this long.

Ah, not if I started the episode, but talking about busting loads. I honestly think she would have been blowing loads. She probably bailed at cream jeans. Blowing loads is way grosser than busting a nut, right? Yeah.

100%. Yeah. 100%. Busting nuts, at than busting a nut, right? Yeah. 100%. Busting nuts, at least slang blowing a load is like what you're doing. And busting nut, I don't know. Do it at school. Anyway, either way, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaw Clack... No.

Sha-Clackity! Whoa. That was a HeadGum Podcast.