All Fantasy Everything - Things You've Learned the Hard Way (w/ David Gborie and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: November 1, 2018

Look, we didn't all graduate from college, but we all put in rigorous study at the school of hard knocks at one point or another. The Good Vibes Gang runs a three-man weave on this AFE.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive bonus content such as mailbag episodes, and movie watch-a-longs. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that was real quiet in here a second ago, and now it's loud as fuck. Oh man, it's been a minute since we were in the studio. I know man, we've been out in the wild. Many things have happened. Seriously. Miracle Whip's gone. Miracle Whip is gone. It has been towed away in the studio. I know, man. I've been out in the wild. Many things have happened. Seriously. Minneapolis. Yeah.

Miracle Whip's gone. Miracle Whip is gone. It has been towed away from the house. That hunk of shit. Go. Don't you do that. Don't you do that to her. She worked so hard for you.

She worked two jobs. She worked hard for the money. And you never treated her right. She was a private dancer. It started and ran. Started and ran. It moved. Oh, tell Started and ran. It moved. Oh, tell them about it.

It moved. So you thought the transmission was just shot, right? No. We all know I'm not. Or no. We all. Well, maybe you don't know. I'm not a mechanic.

If you don't out there, if you don't know that, you wouldn't know from this fucking beard. Tyrese, he's not a mechanic. I'm Tyrese. He gets hurt both a lot. I'm Tyrese. Yeah, but you are Tyrese. I feel like you feel like rubbing your hands together makes you very Tyrese, he's not a mechanic. He's not a Tyrese. I'm Tyrese. He gets those both a lot. I'm Tyrese. Yeah, but you are Tyrese. I feel like you feel like rubbing your hands together makes you very Tyrese. If you see me at a wedding, you would call me-

He's called me Freeman, dude. If you saw me on a wedding dance floor, you would call me Tyrese the mechanic is what you would call me. Yeah, dude. That is a great nickname. Yeah. That does sound cool. Tyrese the mechanic.

Who's that? John, who's your sister dating? Oh, it's Tyrese the mechanic. Who's that? John, who's your sister dating? Oh, that's Tyrese the mechanic. It also kind of sounds like a move. Like, how much did he say it was? $800. All right, wait here. I'm going to go try and Tyrese that mechanic.

Yeah, I'm going to Tyrese that guy for sure. And you just go over and smile all big? Yeah. You know? And then it's like $500. Let me $30. I'm going to go try to tyrese the hostess get us a good seat man that would be fun just to say to people and they're like all right and then

you just leave for 20 minutes you're like yeah i tyrese them let's go it's pretty good what is tyreasing oh the game is to be sold not to be told you don't want to know you don't want to know so i started the i started the car put it in drive and the guys just like try to go and i'm like you asshole it doesn't go and then it went it went and then i was like fuck he'd already given me less cash than agreed upon for it yeah 140 american you got taken i did i got taken for i got taken too what did you list it for he tyreased me he taught yeah he tyreased you fast and furious i didn't gibson and tyreased we call that a back-to-back yeah you do i didn't list it i just wanted it you just said you want it gone it's been there so long dude and it's like

it's still like positive though yeah that's great it's gone yeah it's gone you move on no don't check the trunk don't check the trunk don't worry about any of that old any what's in the trunk uh america web's gone speaking of popping the trunk let's pop the trunk right now at sean jordan on twitter yeah sean cougar melon jordan on instagram yeah uh we were in minneapolis we were in Minneapolis. We were in Minneapolis, dude. Yeah. That was the best. Those shows were great. That one hasn't even dropped yet.

No. Keep an eye out for that one. They don't even know. Sam Talent. Oh, God. No. Say whatever nice things you have to say to him now. Me drinking a Sultan's worth of alcohol.

Yeah, Sam Talent. Maybe Enemy of the Pod. Maybe Enemy of of the pod it's hard to say he's gnarly and yeah i don't want to i don't want to say anyway minneapolis was yeah hell of fun shout out to everybody that came out yes you guys are nuts it was so tight thank you guys for also i feel like minneapolis was a weekend where we all learned. Maybe there's a limit. Yeah. Man, I learned in a real hard way. I learned that. Well, not like crazy.

Not that hard, man. You missed it. Yeah, I didn't miss much of a party. But, you know. But just you looked. I had not seen you look that cat. Saturday night when you came to the party and I was like. Because I feel like I always am like.

I always try to coerce you back in. And you were like, you were hard out. You were like, I'm leaving. I mean, well, we went to Liquor Lyle's at like four. This was on Friday. And we didn't, it was one of those days where we're like, all right. And then

that party went until six in the morning. It did. And I ain't leaving until six in the morning. Six in the morning. It did. 6 in the morning. And I ain't leaving until 6 in the morning. Yeah. 6 in the morning. Pocket full of rubbers, dude. I had some too. And you're my homeboy.

Yeah. Yeah, it was. And then Saturday was, the podcasts were fine. Right after the podcast, I was like, damn, I am going to the hotel. And then I barfed later that night. Then Rojo came back, woke me up at four. It showed me a fistfight on a basketball game. And I said, none of it helped.

None of it helped anything. I took a nap in a strange location. Hickox is Airbnb. I couldn't believe you showed up. Woke up, rolled to a party anyway. I was flabbergasted. I was like, no. I'm not wasting that sweater.

Once that sweater comes on, I'm going to as many functions as possible. Got a little bear on it. You know, it's cute. I like that. Was that Gucci, by the way? I felt weird. The sweater? I felt weird.

Okay. It would come up if I was wearing Gucci. I would bring it up. Also, it was like Gucci and track pants. Yeah. Okay. I'm proper broved well it's cool like Minnesota

you can wear a track pant in Minnesota you can you had them on on Friday until you had maroon ones on Friday track pants in Minnesota no that was Saturday

that was Saturday yeah okay Friday was probably just jeans or something okay what jeans on where your team was strong

team's wrong yeah yeah it was hella strong Licker Liles where they used to have three furs everyone else were joggers.

Yeah, threefers? Threefers is, that's not, I don't want to live like that. Long story short, thank you to everyone. We sold out two shows, man. Yes, that was so. Put a little less in our sales. Seriously, that was blessed. That was so tight.

Yeah, fucking. Tight like Minnesota. I didn't mean to bring up the money so soon because that's not even the most important thing by a damn sight. It was so cool to meet all of you. I can't believe so many people listen to our podcast. I know. In Minneapolis.

You just don't know because we're in the room. It's just us three here. Yeah. Chopping it up. You forget the whole world. There's a super producer over in the corner. Yeah, but that's like saying God is in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's with us everywhere. Everywhere we go. Yeah, dude.'s like saying God is in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's with us everywhere. Everywhere we go. Yeah, dude. Two skateboards were made. Yes. Fuck, those skateboards are cool. Dude, that one with all three of us on it, it's gnarly. Yeah, the one with you with the deer horns is buck, too.

The buck ones. Yeah, man. It's buck, man. You have a pro board. We look like superheroes on the one that we're all on. Yeah. I look like Henry Cavill in Superman. Yeah.

It's nice. You got a Photoshop mustache mustache very flattering yeah i dig it uh it was fucking dank the shows were rad i love it thank you so much we went to fifth out man yeah i was having a i was having a good old time yeah you were i had shorts on for way too long on friday enough to freak you guys out we're like you know we're leaving like the hotel hotel for real. It was like 8.30, I want to say. And you still had basketball shorts on. You're like, show's at nine, man. Car's waiting.

We were like in a bar. We were maybe drunk. You know? Yeah, yeah. The whole weekend's a blur for me. I had ordered my second plate of fried cheese curds or whatever. Because you got some. At a second establishment. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's right. Cheese curds at the second location. Curds for the table. That's how you know you're doing it. Yeah. Got some dogs for the table at Liquor Lyle's. Dogs for the table.

Mini corns for the table. You got mini corns? We're not for the table. We're not at a table. We're not psychos. We're at the bar. For the bar. All right.

All right. We are going to try to do as many of these live. I mean, it was so fun. Yeah, dude. It seems like maybe we can do it. I feel like we could go live. I kind of think we can do it. We can start going live some places.

I think there's enough of you out there that maybe it's a thing we could do. Like I said, Miami, Turks and Caicos. Turks and Caicos, dude. London. Yes. Yo. Necker Island. St. Petersburg

Us and Richard Branson Florida and Russia Yes Both St. Petersburgs On one t-shirt bro Beaverton Tualatin Tigard

Aloha Tannisbourne Zigzag Hillsborough Oregon Puyallup Are we just saying weird stuff? We're just saying Pacific Northwest locations

Oh Taquilla Yeah Taquilla for sure, man. Snoqualmie. Cialis in Wonderland, dude. Yeah, man. But yeah, look for that. We're just gonna have to sit down probably this weekend and fucking hammer it out. Not only is Sean Jordan

in the studio, though. We're joined as well by a man who goes by many names. International Waters. The taco king of Calabasas County. Sam! man who goes by many names. International Waters. The Taco King of Calabasas County. Sir! I feel like that's

a good iteration. Sir! That dude sounds like Pastor Troy. He does! The fucking singer for AWOL Nation. If you guys don't,

okay, look up Pastor Troy, just look up the visuals of the singer for AWOL Nation and then Pastor Troy. And think if they look like they're going to sound like each other. But they do. Listen to Sail.

How about they do? And then just listen to Pastor Troy's yell. I don't know why we even call them AWOL Nation. At this point, they should just be called, Right? Like, that's just, I was listening to, That came up in the Slack we were talking about it. Really?

Yeah. In the AFV exclusive Slack channel. Oh, yeah. Speaking of Slack we were talking about it. Really? Yeah. In the AFV exclusive Slack channel. Oh, yeah. Speaking of Slack, tell them about it. Well, all three of us and Super Producer Marissa, quit slamming the side of your chair there. It's getting picked up on the mic. Oh, is it really? What is it?

Episode 105? I don't know. I was laughing. I guess it's our bad for recording during amateur hour. I guess that's on us. No, I hit things when I laugh. No, no, no. Well, I mean, pro hour started when we showed up.

So what's going on? Why are you still? I was laughing. I was laughing hard and I hit pro hour started when we showed up so what's going on why are you still I was laughing I was laughing hard is it on adult swim right now is it amateur hour I'll be quiet then you leave I'll be talking again

two things same shit with Devo two things Devo I said Devo Devo dude Devo I apologize

did you say like whip it that's accidentally. That wouldn't be crazy if that was a character in Friday. Whip It or a second song by them? Mark Mothersbrough is just like, what you got on my drink? I can't believe you know. That's so dope. If we're ever mean to, because this came up, if it seems like we're ever being mean to

Sean or any other guest. Anyone. Ever. Or anyone. We're not. Yeah. No. Don't worry. Yeah. No. Don't worry about it.

I don't think you guys know what goes on behind the scenes. And David pointed out, no one's ever stuck up for Shane once. No. So, chill out. Yeah, you're all so great when we yell at Sean, who's in the room? Right. People are caping for Sean on Twitter and on the message boards and shit. Meanwhile, Shane gets dragged through an

acre of broken glass every episode. He's like, you're treating Sean like he's Shane! You can't have that nonsense. Oh, bullshit. The depth of our love for each other is unfathomable. All family, everything. So thank you for your concern, but there's no reason to be concerned. I do appreciate it. I All family, everything. Yeah. So thank you for your concern,

but there's no reason to be concerned. I do appreciate it. I was welling up. Yeah. You're very low T today. What's going on? Yeah, you all right? Yeah.

Huh? Yeah. No, I just, I was fucking, I was stressed all day. It's weird. Yeah, no, I'm blonde as a bat.

Huh? No, I see you look good though. You look good though. This is not a Taye Diggs movie, sir. No, I had a stressful day. It's always kind of a Taye Diggs movie. Stressful day. Yeah.

We're just getting, you know, it's just people call me prick all day. I can't handle it. Yeah, dude. I'm sorry. That is yo-yo. I mean. Well, maybe if there was something that would get a little extra coin in your pocket. Seriously.

If this. So, yeah. What do we say? Sir! I wish they could see how hardcore it was. You did it like a sneeze. Yeah. Like, move the mic out of the way.

Like, hold on one second. I moved it far out of the way. Sal! Okay. Can I get a name for the order, please? Sal! Sal! Sal!

Maybe I should grill some bread, baby. Help! All of it. Help! All that. At Taco Bell in Glendale. We have started an all-fantasy-everything Patreon. Mm-hmm.

Yes! I believe that's how it's pronounced. A Patronus is actually... Patronus? Patreon? I'm from the West Coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a different...

It depends on where you're from. It depends on where you're from. We call it a Patreon in Tufala. Patreon, dear. We're starting a Patreon. We have started the first... You asked for from. We call it a Patreon in Tufala. Patreon, dear. Sorry, a Patreon. We have started the first. You asked for it. We finally made it.

I thought it was going to be way harder to do. It's like getting rid of the Miracle Whip where I was like, really? Yeah. Now it's just gone, a working car for $140? So, yeah, we've started it. There's three levels. Yeah. Which get you varying degrees of rewards.

On the first level of the Patreon, you get, which is $10 a month. $7. $7 a month. Seven. Seven. Ham. Ham. Seven.

It's $7 a month. Are you saying ham? I just expelled a lot of air. Whatever came out, came out. Man, I saw dude. That's his vocal cords at rest. Yeah. Yeah, that's just, that's my bass level.

If you push air across them. Since you were yelling, I saw a dude dress like Joker the other day at Good Heroin, and I just kept looking over like, where's Lau? I just kept seeing him. You did do that. I was there. And you for sure did. I felt bad because towards the end, I think he knew that we were quoting the Joker. Because it's very easy when you're wearing a Halloween costume, but you're not in a Halloween costume situation to feel like a fucking dickhead.

Like a dick. Like the biggest dickhead in the world. Like you walk past some dudes, and then you just hear, where's Lau? I said fuck, man. Swear to me. Swear to me. I was at a party. I'm sorry.

Dude, I'm just going to the other party, man. There was a context for this. I know. It's ridiculous. I understand. Our country's going through a hard time. We need to find brevity where we can. All right.

I got to have one day. I can't have one day. I can't have one fucking. I canvassed. God damn it. I bought this fucking crushed velvet, trench coat, purple, you know, eight years ago when I was Prince. Yeah.

And I busted it out again this year. And I'm just shaking my head with a smile, no, the whole time, just letting him finish. You want to know how I got these scars? We're tonight's entertainment. We've started a Patreon. There's three levels. The first level is buck. It's $7 a month, and that gets you the premium episodes, where we're doing a mailbag episode once a month,

where you write in with your questions, concerns, and queries. And those are off top, which we've only done it once. We've only done it once. Where we just look at them, because you get some honest shit out of those. We have a diesel grip. We have a diesel grip back up that we're going to work our way through. And then we're also going to do watch-along episodes,

which is where the Good Vibes gang, that's Sean, David Boy and myself will start a movie and start recording right when we start watching that movie and comment along on that movie as we watch it it'll be like 3, 2, 1, hit play start the movie and then it's like you're going to be watching whatever the movie is

with us, we're going to record our first one on Sunday I love that idea too it's fun I'm excited, I'm really excited. So we're going to put out one mailbag and one watch along a month, and that's at the $7 level. At the dank level, which is $10 a month, you get those

premium episodes, plus you get to vote on the draft topics once a month. Once a month, we're going to put up a private Twitter account where you get to vote and pick whatever topic we do on that particular AFE. So that'll be fun. You get to sort of be the invisible hand that guides us.

We've never not had any say in what we do. Yeah. So that could be... Sean's having a hard time relinquishing control. I usually run this stuff like a dictator. Yeah. You know? Hey, Darla, I'm a dictator. Yeah. Remember that joke? Okay, that was a bad one.

Yeah, that's all right. It was a bad one. How am I dictate? Yeah, when he's like, she's like, can you use the little rascals? And she's like, can you use dictate in a sentence? And then Spanky says, hey, Darla, how am I dictate? All right. All right.

Well, you know. We grew up in different places. I don't know. Some of us didn't watch the straight to television Tiger Woods movie. There's a third level. Where do you get some trouble for telling that joke? Yeah. I remember that.

Yeah, yeah. There's a third level which is the, it's you saying yo, so go ahead and do it. Yo! Level. Where you get the premium episodes,

you get to vote and then also you get two other nice little things. Exclusive, you get a membership in the exclusive All Fantasy Everything Slack channel, which

is frequently frequented by the three of us and Marissa. Popping around on it today, all day. Yeah, we've been up here. Honestly, until I... Hopefully this just goes in the perfect way to where it works like, hey, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm doing what I want to do with cool people. I'm talking on a fun slack and

not the one i'm getting yelled at today on okay i got sorry i got two slacks right about it two slacks one of them is this tight one one of them sorry one of them is this yo one of them are chinos the other one yeah the other ones are navy chinos wrap your mind around that no it's this fucking so i get a i get a message from one of my managers and she goes, hey, you have such a commanding voice. And I'm like, cool. So compliment sandwich, they call this. Yeah. Because nobody just says that shit.

No. So I'm like, tight. Thank you. And a smiley face. And she goes, just a reminder, try to keep it down because it can be distracting for the people around you. It could pick up on the phones. And I'm like, dog.

That means somebody's dying. Oh, no. I thought you meant someone's snitching on you. Oh, no. Someone's being like, hey, Sean's being too loud. Guaranteed. Guaranteed someone's saying that. I got stitches for you.

Yeah. So all day I'm just conscious about my voice and, you know. Was that your meeting you had today? No. No. That was about. Oh, man. I'm going to go off on a whole nother thing.

Get in. Yeah. Go. Okay. So we're at work today. We're at work. And they did the fucking, I don't know why I'm blank to go off on a whole nother thing. Get in. Yeah, go. Okay. So we're at work today. We're at work. And they did the fucking, I don't know why I'm blanking on it. What's it called where everyone's chilling and then-

Synergy. No, you're chilling and then you all start freaking out. A lot of NBA locker rooms did it. It's like four years ago. The dance. Oh, the Harlem Shake? The Harlem Shake. Okay.

We did that at work today for like a YouTube- Shut the fuck up. Really? You can't just start about how your job sucks so hard and then be like, we did the Harlem Shake today. It ain't doing that with people that you're not. That you don't like. You're just dancing next to.

I fucking hate you, Jeremy. Oh, man. I think it's Jeremy. We all had to sit and act like we were working. And then there was like a film crew and they directed us doing the Harlem Shake. And like half the people didn't know what it was half the people were scared to do it

dude that's fucking amazing oh my god it was funny that's fucking amazing we gotta get some of that footage film crew time traveled from 2012 that's what

to now yeah my boy is next to me he's like what year was the Harlem Shake and I'm like 2014 at the

absolute latest the latest was the last one happening cause I I didn't live here for damn sure. No. Because Zach was showing me

on his TV in his apartment in Portland. LeBron was on the heat for sure. Yeah. And I don't think it was his last year. Yes.

Oh my God. Yeah, dude. That's anyway, fucking hilarious. Man. So anyway, that's the slack that I'm banging away on

hoping to... Clanging a bang into the Iron Temple? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Praying to that metal god. Yeah, dude. At the metal church place. So if you're interested in, oh, so you get a membership in our slack where we talk shit all day.

All day. And you also get a shout out every three months from the three of us. And whatever, I mean, it can be like, hey, Shane's the coolest person in the world. I'm sorry, I said it. It won't be that. Unless unless shane's got 20 bucks yeah that one will cost you far more than 20 a month um but yeah so if you're interested if you want to sign up i mean 203 of you already have which is amazing thank you so much it means the world to us seriously i'm thinking that this could be a man yeah all we all we want to do is make more fun stuff for you you know so like the fact the fact that we're able to like i mean you know if this gets to the point where we cannot

you know work at various establishments various establishments and it makes it well i mean not me but it makes it so like this this is a thing I can prioritize. Sure. And like make my schedule around as opposed to doing it the other way. This is my priority. This is what I, all I want to be the priority. And it is as much as it can be, but there is like, there is work. Yeah.

Then I can't not do it. And if this goes the right way, I can not do it. And then this. Then we can get those live episodes go. We can go like two or more cities, all that stuff. Also, the shit we make is going to be really good. So there's that too. You're not going to want to miss it.

Sean is tired of having to Harlem shake his body for money, guys. No one's above it. I get it. They came in with cameras. They exposed him and they made him shake around. He did. And then he didn't sign anything. Now they're going to put it on the internet for pervs

to like. Also, there's like I don't know if we can slip in videos to the Slack, right? Can you do that? Probably. Is that possible? Yeah. Because I have all these old stand-up, all these old weird things that'd be fun just to sneak in there. I could put a video in the Slack right now of us talking.

Premium content. Premium content. Premium content. Super Rooster Marissa got a lovely haircut. It's very smart. It's a very smart haircut. I know. I've never had one in my life. You've never had a haircut?

No, you've never had a smart haircut, but what you got is a beard that is coming in. Farming hair. Dude, like a fucking thundercloud rolling in. Well, and Laura, I sent her a photo, and she goes, you look good with all that hair. And I'm like, you just signed your death warrant, sweetheart. It ain't going nowhere. You do look good with all that hair, though.

You do. What are you thinking about shaving? No, but you know. I like it. I want to look good for her, and that's it. You know what? It makes you look like you teach extreme sports at the youth center. Yeah, dude.

Like my buddy Pat and I. What up, Pat? My name's Jagger. Wind sailing. My name's Jagger. Jagger Daniels, dude. Like my buddy Pat and I. What up, Pat? My name's Jagger. Wind sailing. My name's Jagger. Jagger Daniels, bro. Wind sailing. That's all sailing.

What am I thinking of? Kiteboarding. God, this dude Todd. Yeah. I knew a kiteboarder. Yeah, it was that dude Todd. David, what do you got coming up? I got Faded on Friday.

What a show that is. Yeah. It's a great show. Thank you. That means, thank you, man. I really appreciate that. Yeah, It's a great show. Thank you. That means, thank you, man. I really, yeah, we appreciate that.

That vibe in the room is real, man. That's like, there's just a great vibe in that room. That's what we're trying, we're just trying to make it a fun party with our friends.

It's just like chilling with, it's like if they just let us into our own private little place and we could put on a show, which is what they do. It reignited my love of standup. I have booked like 15 shows

since then. I'm so pumped. That's what we're trying to get yeah it really did i was like hating on stand-up and i did that show and i'm like oh yeah it's fun yeah you just need a hot you need a hot room and then you're like you know what i remember i remember how this feels and come on through on friday i mean it's all it's just us yeah yeah friday if you want to be there if you're in la and you want to meet any of us i'll be there uh for a minute and then i gotta go but then i'll be there. If you want to meet us. We're all going to be there. If you're in LA and you want to meet any of us, I'll be there for a minute and then I got to go, but then I'll be back. Yeah.

And you'll be there. I mean, you'll be there. Whatever. You're doing a set. You're doing a... Ian's doing a set. David's doing a long ass set. I'm doing a 30 minute.

I'm doing a fiver. He's doing a 30 year. I'm going to drive to Santa Monica. Then I'll drive right back. I was actually writing a joke today that I might do. Because I might want to host. So yeah. You should do it.

But that's, yeah, that's every Friday night at the Blue Rooster Art Surprise. Dope little venue in back. Bring your own beer. B-Y-O-B, but we also sell B. We also sell hot dogs. Yeah, you don't even have the B-Y-O-H dogs. Yeah, B-Y-O-H-D. Not here.

Not here. I mean, you can bring some from home, but you don't want to be that guy. Are we going to end up at the Rooster later that night? It might happen. Yeah, it might happen. I got a t-shirt now. Oh, and then I swear the calendar's going up, but davidborey.com, I'm going to have some dates. Austin, I'm going to be in you August 18th and 19th again.

August? Next year? January. There it is. January 18th. And Springfield, Missouri, I'm coming back in February, but I don't know the dates. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Stay tuned to this very podcast for more. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on

with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. So I have life insurance. It had nothing to do with me. It's my wife did everything, but it's tough. It's a hassle to go through and get. You have to research it, which I don't like researching anything. If I buy something, I just go into the person that works at the store and say, what is right in the middle? What's not the best? What's not the worst? And that is how I do it. With life insurance, obviously, you want to be a little bit more careful about that. But how do I know where to start? You know what I mean? I have no idea what to do, where to look. Nobody does.

And that's what Policy Genius does. They just go in, they find and compare all the best quotes for you. They just go to all the nation's top insurers, and then they give you your best options. They're just a few clicks, and then you're going to find your lowest price. And their expert license support team is your advocate. They work for you. They're not getting bonuses. They're not getting anything like that from certain insurance companies. They're not out there being smarmy. They just want to help you out. They're answering the questions, handling the paperwork, shaking the hands, kissing the babies. They're doing it all for you. And if you don't have life insurance, I know it sucks to talk

about or to think about, but you're just going to stick people with the bill. You're going to stick your loved ones with the bill. Don't nobody want to do that. You know what I mean? Get covered. I don't want anyone inheriting my debt. And then they see what I spent? Get covered. I don't want anyone inheriting my debt. And then they see what I spent money on probably. I don't need all that nonsense in my life. Get it covered. Get an insurance policy. Get it handled. And like I said, Policy Genius gives you unbiased advice from a licensed expert support team. They have thousands of five-star reviews on Google, Trustpilot, from customers who've felt the benefits of their service. So get on it. us pilot from customers who've felt the benefits of their service. So get on it. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't procrastinate. Oh, yeah, I got a song on Spotify as a rapper. That's neither here

nor there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with Policy Genius. Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country,

you figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley, all right? You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that. Two Damon movies. I'm out here. Obviously, you're not ready for that, but you still want to learn a new language because everyone in the world knows new languages. They

know multiple languages, and we all only know one. Get it done with Babbel. Babbel is going to help you the quickest way possible. You speak like a whole new you when you got Babbel. It's a science backed language learning app, and it's going to get you talking fast. They had science-backed. What else do you want? Wasting hundreds of dollars on private tutors. That's the old school way of learning a new language. Babbel, they have these 10-minute lessons. They're quick. They're handcrafted by over 200 language experts, and they're ready to get you talking in three weeks, ready to get you speaking a new language. I should say speaking a new language. You don't talk a language. Anyway, talking is the key to really knowing any language. You have to, you got to do it. You got to be saying it out loud. And Babbel, they have tools. They have

tools on the app where you can speak the language. They'll help you with your accent. There's things where on the app, they will talk to you and then you can decipher what they said. It's all the real world applications that you're going to need to actually use it. You know, Babbel's tips and tools. Like I said, they're grounded in real life situations. Everything's focused on conversation. So you're going to be ready to talk everywhere you go because that's the key. Conversation.

You want to know how to get by, right? And like I said, little 10 minute segments. They're perfect for, say, someone like myself, don't have a huge attention span. 10 minutes in and out, boom, you're done. And don't just try a word-for-word. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, shout out old lady's alma mater, and beyond, they prove that Babbel works. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college, which, come on, that's a no-brainer right there. So give it a try.

Honestly, get up in there. And here's a special limited-time deal for our listeners. Right now, you get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. At babbel.com slash allfantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash allfantasy. It's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash allfantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. This episode of All Fantasy Everything

is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay, which, man, wouldn't that

be nice? And it's going to do it all day long. It's like a Swiss army knife for your mind. Might sound like a magic pill. I know I said it before, but that's, I swear to God, the plot of Limitless. It might sound like that, but you can actually get it done. You know, there's the magic of microdosing with Schedule 35. Their products, they're backed by science and dosed to a precise amount so you get exactly what you need to tackle your toughest days and you don't get the hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to de-stigmatize and educate on the science

and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there are a ton. And they also want to make it accessible for everyone. Each order ships discreetly. No one's going to get in your business. No one's going to be in your kitchen stirring your Kool-Aid. It just comes in a nice little box and it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code ALLFANTASY at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code ALLFANTASY. Oh, wait.

Also, do they have to do patreon.com backslash something? Oh, my bad. If they don't follow us. Patreon.com slash ALLFANTASY or just Google ALLFANTASY everything and Patreon together. But it is www.patreon.com slash all fantasy. And you'll see Shane's

gigantic face. Zego the Carpathian. And my smaller one because our new logo, though done, has not yet been released to the public. Yo, it's so hard though.

It's pretty dank. Woo! It's harder than Chinese algebra. It is so good. Isn't It's pretty dank. Woo! It's harder than Chinese algebra. It's dank, William. And it's so good. Hey. Isn't math the universal language?

You never heard anybody say that? No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I never really, I guess I never really thought deep into the saying. You're right.

That's so stupid. The numbers are the same everywhere. Wait. But wait. Okay. But wait. What are you saying? If you're holding one egg You're holding it in China But like if I solve for X Like Y equals MX plus B What is that equation in China?

It depends on where in China It's either It could be a Mandarin figure Or maybe they just use X Do they also use Y, M, and B? I don't know. Listen, I don't know what I was going to say. Yeah.

I was going to go X plus Y. Yeah, you looked like you were really coming at my neck. You were like, listen, you stupid motherfucker. It was going to be like Red Bull plus Travis Pastrana always equals jumping out of an airplane with no chute. I don't know what that means. That's why I didn't say it, and then I said it, and it's dumber. So to go back on that, I needed this today.

Learn Chinese by the rapper Jin. That's all I know. Listen to Jaquan. Listen to Tipsy. Listen to Jaquan. I got a fake ID, though. Did he say he was 14 in that song? No, he was like 15 or 16.

He says he's young, dude. He was a teenager when that song came out. Was he that young? Yeah, he was like a teen. I thought it was like 14. I was in Minneapolis with Adam Neurath, friend of the show. With Jaquan. With Jaquan.

When he was six. Jaquan now? No, I heard the song and I was like, this is going to be a hit. And it was a hit. I love when that happens. Yeah. And when you're right and everyone's like, whatever, dude. I'm telling you, man.

Only hit. We don't have a fourth guest today because they were stuck in traffic. And we said, pound sand. Pound. Pound that fucking sand. Take a long walk up a short pier, sister. Pound sand. That's what Shane and I were looking for a fucking job.

It's like he gets on these phrases and he can't say a different one. He's like, you want to go pound the pavement, bud? I'll go walk around and look for a job with you. Which meant us going to like three different killer burgers and getting different food at each one. And then drinking at three.

My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on Jewish ways. Have I done that one yet? Jays. Jewish Nike sneakers app. Shout out to the Jews.

It's been a tough week. Shout out to all the Jews. I want to send a special shout out to Matt Kelly from the Horror Movie Night podcast. Yeah, dude. Thanks, pal. Thank you for sending us those t-shirts. For real.

What a little sweetheart you are. Yep. That's fucking awesome. And. Your sister, right? Si, si, si. Yo la tengo. And also, a shout out to Jenny Sutphin.

Yeah. I think I'm saying that right. Shout out to you, Jenny Sutphin. Thank you for turning your brother to Jenny Sutphin. Yeah. I think I'm saying that right. Shout out to you, Jenny Sutphin. Thank you for turning your brother, Chris Sutphin, onto our podcast. And then him in turn sending us Notorious B.I.G. Funko Pop figurines. Yeah, dude. Yo, those legit might be the first toys I don't take out of the box. Yeah.

It's getting to be where there's like. A lot like Christmas. A ton of tight shit. No? No, no, yeah, go. No, go ahead. Yeah. It's getting to be where there's like... A lot like Christmas. A ton of tight shit. No? No, no, yeah, go. No, go ahead. I guess, you know, one of us took Groundlings classes and the other didn't, and that's why that improv didn't work out. They didn't have that in Sioux Falls,

South Dakota. No, I had to move to LA. They didn't have it in Portland either. They had Autobody. Autobody. Yeah, shout out to Chris Sudfin and Jenny Sudfin. They had auto body. Auto body. Auto body. Auto body. Yeah, shout out to Chris Sudfin and Jenny Sudfin. Yeah, fuck yeah.

Yeah, thanks, guys. Am I getting a Jenny out of that? Is that what I'm hearing? Jenny. That's a nice one. I like Jenny. Like Jenny Weasley. Yeah, I've never heard of her.

I went to school with a Jenny. I forget her last name, but Virginia. And then shortened by Jenny for short. I hope that needs to make a comeback. I'm into Jenny. That's a great name. Buck's wife. Is it short for Gingeria?

Virginia, I think. Oh, that makes way more sense. Is it short for Gingeria? I'm not sure where I was going with that. I don't know where Gingeria's going. I don't practice Gingeria. I ain't got no crystal ball. No, I don't drink.

I'll just have a ginger ale. I had a million dollars, but I spent it all. Not sublime in the house. Not sublime. He didn't come out. But it is Rome. Rome is here. Rome's here.

He's working on the plumbing downstairs. Buck's wife was named Ginny. Oh, yeah. Buck and Ginny. Yeah. That's right. Couple of battle axes, those two. Couple of them. named jenny oh yeah buck and jenny yeah that's right couple of battle axes though a couple of

them just just midwestern gone colder by the wind yeah just windswept faces anchors tattooed everywhere thin lips i imagine a thin-lipped people if i had to guess cold blood uh what do i got coming up i got like watch my twitter if you If you're in the LA area, I'm doing a bunch of shows in the next couple weeks. Hell yeah. Because I got a fun little thing coming up. And yeah, then just keep an eye. We're going to try to figure out some road dates. Go to our Patreon.

Support that Patreon. That's it. Watch the Late Late Show. Yeah, please do. Now we are gathered here in beautiful HeadGum Studios in scenic downtown Los Angeles. I heard we're close to something. Yeah. Just a fat pigeon's lazy

squabble through the air from Skid Row. Just a pants around the ankles sort of crip walk away. Now the American That's a visual. The American government has failed our most vulnerable people, so keep charity in your heart at all times. If you're able to donate, donate. And vote.

Go vote. Vote. Fucking vote. I got registered. I'm finally registered in California. Atta babe. Dude, I already voted, but I threw my sticker away like an asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I can say it on the podcast that I voted, so you guys know. I'm going to steal a sticker from somebody. I'm not voting that day. I am going to- Did you do the mail-in too? For the gram. No, I got to go in person because I just got my California license. Oh, really?

Six years of living here. Wow. Yeah. I still have a South Dakota license. Atta babe. So you can vote in South Dakota. Vote in South Dakota. Vote in South Dakota.

We are gathered here today to draft lessons you learned the hard way. Yeah. Which, this is fun. We decided to just do a brand new topic five minutes before we started recording. We gathered here today to draft Lessons You Learned the Hard Way. Yeah. This is fun. We decided to just do a brand new topic five minutes before we started recording. Yeah. So I think it's going to be good, but I think we all know lessons, like deep down in our hearts. Yeah.

The lessons we have learned the hard way. Oh, I'm going to sound like a scumbag on this. The way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the two of you. What? a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the two of you. The two of us. What? Into a little game of rock, paper, scissors. It's been a minute.

We actually get to go classic rules on this one. We haven't done this for like 50 episodes or something. Oh, yeah. Now I'm your huckleberry. You're dead, bro. I got two gums. We're talking about Tombstone on the slack. Oh, my God.

Get on that slack, folks. Y'all want to see a dead body? Withdrawal, shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissor, shoot. Oh, paper, paper. Rock, paper, scissor, shoot. Shit.

Oh, David Bowie wins. And thus he gets to determine the order of the draft. Now, before you do, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? Excellent question. Let's say that you get a lift here from Glendale. Right. And you take one of the shared rides because you're not swimming in it just yet.

Sure. And you go through a mall where somebody requests a lift at a mall. Right. They're in front of Petco. So you park in front of Petco. Okay. Then they call the lift driver and they say, actually, I'm in front of the rack. So the lift driver goes to the rack.

You stop at the rack. Yeah. And then they call the lift driver and actually, I'm in front of the rack. So the Lyft driver goes to the rack. You stop at the rack and then they call the Lyft driver and say, I'm in front of the rack and the Lyft driver, for some odd reason, goes back to the Petco. Oh my God. And then they call the Lyft driver from the Petco and they say, I'm in front of the rack. Wow. And the Lyft driver goes, I'm at Petco. And then we go back to the rack and then the ride gets canceled. Wow. How pissed would you be? Did that happen? That's what happened. Holy cow.

That's what happened on the way here. And I was like. I'd be so pissed. Lady. And we were in the, that like on Glendale, kind of by the Whole Foods where there's like a rack and a Petco and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's a Halloween store the day before Halloween. Yep.

Worst place to call and request a ride. Yeah. So they deserve to get left. But I was just like, damn, dude, we were there for like 10 minutes trying to find each other. Basically, if you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round.

I mean, you can say it like that. Those are two ways to explain it. You can say it like that. Now, with that in mind, what is the order of the draft going to be today?

The thing is, with three, there's not really, it doesn't. It's a fast paced game. Yeah, it doesn't really. We'll just go like this. I still need, I still need for you to put the order in. It doesn't. It's a fast-paced game. Yeah, it doesn't really. We'll just go like this.

I still need for you to put the order in. Oh, me and Sean, you. Even with your nihilistic point of view. I gotta be honest. I gotta be honest. We don't beef very often, but I'm gonna appreciate it. All right, come on. Come on.

Come on, guys. I'm just saying that because we're in the tight circle of friendliness. Oh, I gotta. So, speaking of beef, David and I were chickening earlier. I'm just saying that because we're in the tight circle of friendliness. Oh, I got to. So speaking of beef, David and I were chickening earlier. I was putting some chicken on the slack. Oh, yeah. My slang for beef. But Steve Hernandez, there was almost another chicken wing incident at the Roost.

Oh, another chicken wing incident. Have I not told you that Steve was getting? So we were there on Wednesday. Was it over chicken wings again? Yeah. So we're there on Wednesday. There's something in wings again? Yeah. So we're there on Wednesday and there's something in the wings. When those Santa Ana wings get to blowing. When those Santa Ana wings get to blowing.

Yeah. We get to blowing those wings because they're too hot. Those cold winds catch the hot, hot heat from the wings and there's a fucking vicious fight tornado on the roost. So we order some wings and then like I don't know, 20 minutes go by and the table next to us, there's only two groups in there.

It's us and a table next to us. Is this after the hayride? Sounds familiar, huh? Yeah, it was after the hayride. Oh, yeah. You're setting a picture. We watch them order wings. They get wings in like four minutes.

And Steve, I see him just cooking and he's like, they're eating our wings, dude. And I'm like, it's all good. And he goes, it ain't all good. Like getting, don't tell me. Oh, man. I'm like, it's all good. And he goes, it ain't all good. Like getting, don't tell me. Oh, man. I'm like, it's all right. And he goes, they're eating our wings. And he just starts to get heated about it.

He says it loud? Yeah, yeah. And they weren't going to do anything. A few tough customers over there? No. It's always a bummer when you're trying to calm someone down and you think that ought to do it. And then they're like, don't you tell me.

Oh, dude. Like when an unnamed big calm someone down and you think that ought to do it. And then they're like, don't you tell me. Oh, dude. Like when an unnamed big comedian did that. To you outside of the... Outside of montage. Montage, yeah. I don't think Bruce Bruce would do that. No, it was not Bruce Bruce. It was someone, though.

It was Hannibal Bruce Bruce. The same shit. Now I'm trying to envision him in my mind and it's hilarious it's either bruce bruce wearing a bomber jacket or a purple suit they're both funny yeah it's really great yeah dude that would have been a different yeah that would have been tight. But yeah, anyway, he just fucking. No, we did nothing.

Bruce, Bruce, Skeet, and Jimmy would have been there to handle it for him. Everything, God, those dudes that don't know what a low volume on a PlayStation in a green room is.

No. Man, I've never been. They don't have a good time though. Fuck yeah, they do. I've opened weirdly for Bruce Bruce like five times. Yeah, well he was like,

he used to roll through helium all the time. Yeah. And they were super cool. Like be chilling in the green room. They'd have the door wide open. They'd bring their own PlayStation as loud as it would go. And there'd be like eight or nine people in the green room.

Just, you couldn't get louder. And the door goes right to the stage. And Bruce Bruce, not once did he bring it up. He didn't give a shit. It was tight. It was just fun. He's just hanging out, man. Yeah.

You don't get that a lot. People are going to listen. It's Bruce Bruce. I was listening. Wait, you're not going to listen? You was tight. It was just fun. He's just hanging out, man. Yeah. You don't get that a lot. People are going to listen. Spruce Bruce. I was listening. Wait, you're not going to listen? I'm listening. Spruce Bruce. Yeah.

Anyway, nothing happened to the roost. It all got squashed. Everything's good. It was just funny to see two wing incidents. Two wing incidents. There's like a evil energy there, but I like it. Yeah. Because there's no windows.

It's my theory. Oh. Yeah. You notice that? There's not a good idea. There's a lot of bars, I feel like, with no windows. You got to go into the bathroom to find a window at the roost, and that's my theory. Oh. Yeah. You notice that? There's a lot of bars, I feel like, with no windows. You got to go into the bathroom to find a window at the roost, and that's sketchy. And it's just that lighting is like, it kind of gets to you.

They got a lot of ghouls and shit now on the walls, like ghosts and goblins and things. Yeah. Hopefully those will turn into turkeys and pumpkins. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they will. Were they cornucopias, is that what they're called? Big fat Santa.

One of those big fat paper lanterns. Yeah. Malloy came out the other night. Malloy what they're called. Big fat Santa. One of those like big fat paper lanterns. Yeah. You know. Malloy came out the other night. Malloy came out. Had himself a decent time. Yeah.

Mike McClure. Because it's a fun place to go. Yeah. It's cool. And the wings are delicious. And they don't judge you for wearing like joggers in a leather jacket. No. You know? Which he was wearing.

Which he is wont to do, our boy. Red joggers in a leather jacket. Now, we're gathered here today to draft Things You Learned the Hard Way, and David, you were the first person up. The clock is running. You were on the clock. That's what I said.

Things You Learned the Hard Way. Let me tell you a story. A lot of stories coming up. Oh, this is all going to be stories, this one, for sure. Your boy is 23 years old, 24 years old. Sure. Just living in the city. Yeah.

No longer has a job. He's real poor. Right, right. Runs out of all his saved up money. Now he doesn't have any money. He's looking around. He doesn't have any money. What's he going to do?

Yeah. He's got unemployment, but that's not quite covering it. He needs some food. His boy tells him, hey, you're not on the lease. Go down to the food stamps office. They'll give you food stamps tonight. So I go down there. You know what I mean?

I spend my time. I meet with the caseworker. I tell them I'm homeless because I technically am. I get the food stamps. Haven't eaten in two days. They tell me they're going to kick on at midnight. San Francisco, if you're homeless, you get hot stamps, which means you can go to the KFC, the Kintaco Hut,

right down the street from Sylvan House. The combination pizza I talk about. I spend all night telling my boys, regaling with them with tales of how we're about to turn up at the KFC tomorrow, how I don't give a shit because I got food stamps. Obama's got my back. I don't give a shit, y'all. And then we wake up the next morning.

10.45, I wake up the homies. Let's walk down there. We walk over there. I stride up confidently to the door. Pull on it. Bink! It's locked. The guy gives me shit.

He looks at me. Hey, dummy, we don't open for five minutes. I say, me and my friends shall wait. We'll be out here. And then I hold court on the steps of the cantaco hut like i've known to do and then i come in friends with me i say sir first and foremost i'll have a bucket of dark and anything that the team wants and i look at everybody eats what do we andrew you, you want an apple pie? Give him six cookies as well. And I order way too much

food. And I go to give him my card and it doesn't work. Damn. He runs it five times. It does not work. And I have to take the L and tell him to cancel the order after I showed up early

and really openly mocked him. You were there like the kids that line up outside of fucking Supreme to get fried chicken. I was like Supreme. You were Supreme in the Kentucky Hut. Yeah, I was Supreme in the Kentucky Hut for sure. I was mixing and matching.

I had a mini pizza in there as well as some chalupas. So basically the thing, my first lesson is food stamps don't always come on at midnight. And, you know, I learned the hard way. That was one of the, honestly, that's one of the toughest tells I've ever taken. That's a hard L. That is.

It was. Why was that walk back to Sylvan House? Well, my buddy Andrew had money and he's like, I'll buy it. But it was just, my spirit, I didn't even want to give it. You went cliff diving and hit a rock on the way down. Yeah, my spirit was just, I mean, that one put the boy down for like at least a week. That would take a while to come back. Yeah, it was a hard, and it was just because it was food stamps.

Yeah. And I was so cocky. Is this already a grift? Yeah, I'm grifting on grifting. Yeah. And I'm just a bad, now I'm a bad hustler. Yeah. Because this was back, I didn't know comedy was going to work out.

No. But I did know the kid could get by. Yeah. That's what I learned how to do. I could get by. Then I couldn't even get by. It was oof. Yeah.

Especially when I pulled on the door and it was locked. Damn. And then I just started to talk crap with my friends. Because that was like a mini L. That was a mini L. The door being closed was a mini L. Which a smart person would have taken stock, slowed down, readjusted the game plan, and continued forward.

Right. I was like, oh, I thought it was going to make the ultimate win more sweet. You went over the top on them. You saw the big W behind that. You saw the little L, but behind it was a giant W. You're like, well, they're going to unlock the doors to that giant W. That giant W was just two more Ls. Yeah, that's how it felt.

I was out there and I was like, okay, I mean, lock me out now, but I'm getting those chalupas. Like that shit's on me. That's on me. See, that's fucked me because that was like a little speed trap. You thought you're like, okay, I saw the cop. I didn't speed past him. Now I'm fucking wailing on him. And I had to do the thing where I ran the card a bunch of times.

And then he's clearly like, come on, kid. Yeah. You're like, try it upside down. Just let me. All right, give it to me. Give it to me. It does this sometimes. And I just lick it.

Yeah. All right, I got to lick it. All right, now don't try it. Don't try it. Just put it through fast. Put it through fast. Put it between two pieces Of chicken breast And try to run it

Alright you know You got the bread For those snackers you have Get it greasy Just sit it In between the snackers Under that heat lamp For three minutes

Cover it in volcano sauce You gotta rub it On a bunch of your cards That work with money on them Rub it on a bunch of cards Open the top of the machine Just dip it in the Baja Blast syrup

And then run it through That shit Pull the cash out of your pocket And just dip it in the Baja Blast syrup, and then run it through that shoe. Pull the cash out of your pocket and just pay for it. Give me the card back. Then just let me get that card back. Just whisper your Kiro Taco Bell to it. And then try to run it through that. I'm going to hop on my foot three times and we should be ready to go. Yeah, it was brutal though, man.

Well, I even think about it now when I get set. That one... That one hurt. That's a tricky one. I was so young. Full of piss and vinegar. Food stamps don't always come on at midnight. No matter what the social worker tells you.

When did they come on? Like later that day. Did you go back? No, I didn't go back for a while. No, I wouldn't go back. Yeah. No, yeah, it'd be a minute. It'd be a minute.

My food stamps work now. Yeah. You know, it's not even a big win. The streets is talking. Yeah. I'd be sitting around the corner waiting for no one to be in there and I'd be like, hey, let me get like a taco. They'd make you get a dollar stacker first.

Yeah. Yeah. You'd definitely have to build up to the fucking shine. Yeah, for sure. That would be a trick. uh food stamps don't always come on a midnight but yeah shout out to the kfc on uh second and gary or sixth and gary or something like that in the richmond district in san francisco sean jordan your first pick all right my first pick is going to lessons I learned the hard way. So I'm just going to, I guess I'll say the lesson. Yeah. The lesson will be pay your tickets.

Pay your tickets. Pay your tickets. I've had quite a few go to warrant, but one specifically I had go to warrant and it was a skateboard ticket. I just didn't pay it. Yeah. And I was driving. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Skateboarding is not a crime.

No, I heard that. I've seen it on t-shirts. Why do you think I didn't pay it? Also, And I was driving. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Skateboarding is not a crime. No, I heard that. Why do you think I didn't pay it? Also, they didn't take food stamps at jail. So I was like, I can't, I just gave him a bunch of KFC. How'd you know my second fucking.

They don't take food stamps at jail. So I'm riding, I'm strolling down, I think Minnesota, I think Minnesota Avenue, Cherry Red Nissan. I know the story a little bit, I think, so let's make sure we don't get any other picks on that.

Oh yeah, I won't. Trust me, there won't be. So I'm riding down the street, get hit, I get in a car accident, and the cops pull up, and I knew I had a warrant out, so they were just talking, da-da-da. Anyway, they arrested me because I had a warrant out. They also arrested the kid that hit me because he had a warrant out for, like, concealed weapons or some shit.

Damn, Jesus. A waybucker warrant, even though he's a fucking coward. Anyway. Listen, that's not. We don't have to. He sucks, dude. You and the other kid in that car? Yeah, he sucks, bro. Really?

Yeah, he's the worst. I don't want to get. You don't even want to drop his name on here. No. Damn, he sucks that bad. He's a bummer. He doesn't even suck in a fun way. Yeah, not even like a, oh man.

Like Punk Rock Steve or like Sausage Boy. Punk Rock Sausage Face. Yeah, Punk Rock Sausage Face. Punk Rock Sausage Boy. Chicken salad sandwich face. yeah not even like a oh man like punk rock Steve or like sausage sausage boy punk rock sausage face yeah punk rock punk rock sausage face punk rock sausage boy chicken salad sandwich face fettuccine fingers Dan Stan

Suzanne that sounds so that made the hair on the back of my neck grow up fettuccine fingers old fettuccine fingers old fettuccine fingers

Suzanne Sarand Dan the man Stan Tan there he is scandalous randolus with the sock tannolus oh man dude frat the giver of nicknames Steve the area 51er Suzanne Sarand and the man Stanton. There he is. Scandalous Randallus with the socked hand. Oh, man. Dude, frat, the giver of nicknames.

Stevie Area 50 Wonder. Area 50 Wonder. Gravy Boat. You just had a guy named Gravy Boat. Oh, speaking of grifts, I got Emma on that Stevie Wonder's real name grift. Yeah. Wait, what is that? His real name is Stevelin Judkins.

Oh, yeah. People don't want to believe that. So you can really, you can kind of grift him for some, you can get some shit out of him. Stevlin Judkins. We used to think it was Steve-lind Judkins, which is a tough sell. Stevlin is even worse. Stevlin Judkins. Stevlin's pretty dank.

Anything that adds another syllable, you're like, get out of here. Yeah. We get arrested. Yep. We go to jail. And so that's where the lesson was learned. But the best part of the story was that we're in jail. And then I call my mom and you could hear,

sorry if I've told this on here before. My side of the conversation was, hey, mom, I'm in jail. I know, sorry. Yep, I know. I know. I'm sorry. Can you come get me?

Hang up. I love you. Hang up. Then he gets on the phone. He goes, hey, mom, I'm in jail. Well, fuck you. And then he slams the phone down. And I was like, have fun in jail, you piece of shit.

And I just walked past him as I got out. It was so tight. Wait, what's the lesson then? Oh, pay your tickets. Yeah, the lesson's pay your tickets. Because you didn't even want to be in a jail in the first place. Yeah, pay your tickets because I wound up going to jail for getting hit. That's the crazy part.

Like, I got hit. The cop was like, everything's good. It's not your fault. And I'm like, all right, dog. I know what's going to happen. Run my papers. He ran them. Yeah.

Yeah. And then. Is that the only time you've gotten arrested for that or no? Or yes. Or yes or no. Don't want to step in. That shit, I picked it up in the Midwest since we were just there. I've been saying it too.

Yeah. I love the way they talk. Your accent is bubbling a little bit. It is. I could tell because i was i was getting real sauced in minnesota yeah and that's when you fall into it anyways sauced in minnesota sauced in minnesota drinking all the beers and throwing up in the hotel i don't go out on saturday night because i went too hard on friday night so I don't go Saturday night went too hard on Friday night.

Food poisoning was a lie and an excuse. Food poisoning. I told Laura I had food poisoning. Laura I had food poisoning. Even though I might have had a little bit, I would bet it was the other shit. Even though I

barely ate. Just had some mac and cheese. Had a lot of whiskey and some other beers. Yeah, I've been arrested quite a few times for skateboarding stuff. So, you know, I don't want to step on one good or another. So pay your tickets. Pay your tickets. Pay your tickets.

Even though if you're thinking like, what, a seatbelt ticket? Pay your tickets. Pay your tickets. Even though if you're thinking like, what, a seatbelt ticket? Pay your tickets. Pay it. I'm a 37-year-old baseball glove of a man who has gone through that ringer. I've learned that lesson like seven times. And, well, I guess I haven't learned that lesson. Yeah. You said it.

I like to think you learned it once. I thought I learned it. You should have learned it once, but early. A lot of these are financial. A lot of these are going to be financial. Beautiful. All right. Pay your tickets.

Good advice. Pay your tickets. It's time for my first pick, and my first pick is going to be have car insurance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah, yeah. Yep. Have it.

I got to hear this story, though. Okay, so. When I got hit, I didn't have car insurance, by the way. That was another thing. There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, if you were to say, yeah, I wouldn't have kept you from telling that, but I. Part of the deal.

You can't. Have car insurance. What happened with me is... Seriously, have car insurance. Have it, dude. Have it. Just have it. Or it will fuck your shit up hard, man.

Dude. I got off easy, so here's what happened. I think I had a Dodge Stratus at the time. It should be t-shirts that just say have car insurance. I love those. Yeah. It's a boat of a car. Yeah.

And my college girlfriend, Jen Allen. Maroon? Huh? Was it maroon? No, it was a sort of a bright blue. Oh. Like blue. You remember that car?

Like electric? I didn't know this is what. Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm just going to have to sit back. My college girlfriend, Jen Allen. Shout out to Jen Allen, who I believe is living in Nevada right now. Oh, man, this is gnarly. Had a babysitting job.

And she would take my car every now and then, oft times, without even asking me. This was one of those times. Well, because we were within walking distance of Fire in the Mountain, Plaid Pantry, the comedy club. Where would we need to drive? I don't know why you had a car. I might have been working at Netflix at the time. Oh, sure. Maybe not, though.

I don't know. I'm not sure. It might have been post-Netflix. But I think it was. But she took my car and got at a uncontrolled four-way intersection, got smoked. Damn. Like T-boned? T-boned.

Like, no, smoke sounds like she got. But like, you know, the car was fucked. The other person's car was fucked a little bit. And, but although mine was completely fucked, hers was only a little bit fucked. The other person's car was a little bit fucked. I had let my car insurance lapse accidentally. Completely, I mean, accidentally, just basically, I mean, also I was an idiot. It's not like you saw it and you're like, nah.

Won't be paying that. It's like I was stoned and playing video games and just doing stand-up and all that shit. Probably had me being like, cool if I crash tonight? Yeah. I got hammered. Is that cool? And you're like, yeah, whatever. I'll just move these bills.

Let me just move these bills. Why don't you use it as a pillow? It's probably used as a pillow. A billow. I just didn't have fucking car insurance, which sucked because it fucked Jen and it fucked me. And it ended up costing me more than $2,000, which I didn't really have at the time. Now, Rich Homie Carms, Emmy nominated, gym every day, $2,000. What even is that?

Well, you don't even have time to look at it anymore. I don't even know what that amount of money is. You just know it's there. I just know it's there. You can tell from the gym membership because you have the deluxe. I operate mostly in unopened Teslas. They come in a big box. You're spending two grand a month on pens to write.

Gold bullion. And I don't even write. You are a bullion guy now. I wrong, dude. I wrong, bro. I wrong. I don't write. Emmy-nominated TV wronger bro

I'm wrong for a I'm the head wronger on a television show Slashing tires But like it fucked her record up for a while And like we had to write all these letters To get it like taken care of Me being like it was my fault It fucked my record up for a while

Not your fucking Snap on Jen record No No I mean not Snap fucking snap on gen record no it was the no i mean not snap like uh just fun little jokes about it yeah yeah yeah because that was hilarious my car without asking i probably i think i did know that the insurance had lapsed i think i did but i just didn't tell her because i didn't think she's gonna take my car anyway anyway anyway still my bad still my bad uh and like it haunted me for a while. Like I've, like some,

like I had to, like my insurance got jacked all the way up. Your insurance goes so fucking up. Like through the roof. If you ever get in a wreck without insurance, it was like an SR 22. Yeah. You have to get an SR 22.

Yeah. All that shit. What a catch 22 or what? I don't know what the term would be, but when you, it's SR 22. No, but I mean the first time.

Yeah. I had to get an SR22 so I could drive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the whole lesson is have insurance. And you're like, yeah, but now it's like $500 a month. So expensive, yeah. Yesterday it was $40 a month. Yeah.

Such a bummer. Can I get that $40? I promise I won't do it again. Is it back now? Are you back? Oh, I'm back now. I'm all good now. It's been years like um it fucked me for a while man and like luckily like things started popping off for me shortly there i moved to la yada yada but like man it could have really fucked me and the other

person like like could have just said hey i hurt my neck and now you owe me twenty thousand dollars yeah and they didn't they were good you know they a good person. But then I would have been like, yeah, I guess I owe you fucking 20 grand. Yeah. You know? Well, then the Pitbull might have had to step in. Oh, yeah. Ivan M. Carmel.

The Pitbull did try to step in with Jen. My dad, man. I was there once. He represented her for free through all this. That's one side of him. He is a sweet, sweet, good person. But then he would talk like Jen could be an emotional person as so we all can.

But she was being emotional at that moment. He was trying to talk to her the way somebody would talk to a grocery cart wheel that they couldn't get on stock. Where you're just like, damn. Damn it.

Damn it, you gotta listen to me. Like that kind of, and like, like a grocery cart wheel. He was trying, so she locked herself in our bedroom and my dad was trying to talk to her through the door

and she was like, I'm mad at you. And my dad had the hubris to say, no, you're not. Yeah, dude. It was. Yeah. And man, I just remember a couple of those, like, just under your breath, where you're

like, well, I'm sorry. I guess I forgot we wrecked my car. You wouldn't say it to her. No. She'd be across the room and then I'd just start dying. What are you doing? I guess we're mad because we wrecked my car.

Those were some years, man. Those were some fun. We don't talk about those years often out here. We went fucking shopping one time. Grocery shopping and Ian bought so many groceries. For both of us.

Oh, yeah. And I got all the stuff she wants. You bought some shit for me and Shane in there. There was stuff for everybody. Oh, man. You went like crazy. And this was pre-Pop and Carms.

I'm just a generous person. But you went full spread. Hard in the paint. When we get back, he's like, I wonder if she's going to be bummed that we didn't, that she didn't get to go. Or that he didn't ask her what she wanted or something. We brought in like eight bags of shit, and then she got a little upset. And he goes, she didn't know anything about what was happening.

And he goes, I didn't know it was the first thing that was going to come up. And then he looks at me. He's like, you should probably go. Then we had a fight. And by we had a fight, I mean she yelled at me. It was awesome. Remember when that was what getting in a fight was? Yeah.

I didn't yell back at a lady for years. It still is in a lot of ways for me. Yeah, I can't. So have car insurance. This is my first lesson I learned the hard way. Man, have car insurance. Have it, bro. The second lesson I learned the hard way is don't do all the drugs.

Man, that is a very good one. You don't have to do all the drugs. I feel like at some point, there's some point when you're on two and you get offered a third, your head is just like, well, I'm in it now. It's like, no, you can get out of it. Sicko mode. Yeah, you're going to be out of it in 15 minutes, bro. Chill.

That's the thing you do, at least for me, I've gotten that, like, sicko mode wasn't around yet, but whatever the term at the time would be, I'd be like, woo, like, yes, all right, I can't be stopped.

I'm a fucking degenerate. Of course I'm going to. Yeah, I do drugs. I don't have control and stuff like that, which is sad. I'll tell you what it really hit me was not this 4th of July, the one before, where I had a real weird outing. The beforeth of July. The beforeth of July.

I was at Josh Androsky's weird house. Was that too? 4th of July? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't at his house. It was like some house he rented. Oh, something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Pinata full of whippets. Pinata full of whippets. You were wearing the Olympic- Barclays. The Olympic Jordans. Oh, Jordans. I had, yeah. Yeah. Pinata full of whippets. Pinata full of whippets. You were wearing the Olympic- Barclays. The Olympic Jordans. Oh, Jordans. I had on that, yeah.

Yeah, like the sixes or something like that. Sorry, I don't know why that's what I remember. I had been briefly dating this girl who now is Josh Androsky's girlfriend. Weirdly. How the circles, circles, circles, circles. I didn't know all that. Yeah. You did.

Yeah. Right? That's funny. Yeah. Right? That's funny. Yeah. And I invited her to this 4th of July party. I don't know what that, was it a party or was it a rally that we somehow got? It was a fucking drunken, drugged up rally. I was gone.

I would have been right there with you. So I was cracking drinks the way you do. And mom, turn this part off. Or know that your son learned a lesson that night and has not repeated this behavior at all. This is the beauty of it. We're candid and honest and we admit things. It's fine. And the lifestyle espoused on All Fantasy Everything is not a recommendation nor an instruction manual to be followed.

But then you say words I've never heard. So it's fine. I don't know. I've never heard, so it's fine. I don't know. I've never heard that word. I started drinking because of... A spouse? That's what an Italian says to my wife. A spouse.

A spouse. Started drinking heavily because it was the 4th of July. Yeah. And it was hot out there. It was hot out. We were drinking beers. Joints were getting passed around. Hella joints.

We were in that little weird bungalow, too. Yeah, in that weird little bungalow for a while. Yeah, like tucked up in there. Somebody was there who sells Molly, and I bought a couple of them, and I did one, and then somebody walked up with a Tupperware sandwich container

full of mushroom tea, and I drank some of it. Oh, I forgot about the tea. Yeah, the tea was around. These are all fine things, though. It was all fine things though. It was separate. Separately. Separately.

It was still the harsh light of a shade. But we all kind of got to the party at the same time. Malloy also was there. Malloy was there. Yeah. We all got there at the same, like, cause I don't think I came with you guys.

No, but we got there on the, cause I walked cause it was so close. That's right. But we all got there like the same time and just were like, Phoebe, thank God was there. Cause she like took care of me. But I decided the molly didn't work by the way never take two molly never take one molly but never ever never take two molly the first one

worked if you think the first one's not working it it works, bro. If you think it's not working, go listen to fucking, go listen to any rap song. You'll tell it's working. Just do it. Just do me that favor. If you listen to this, promise me. Yeah. If the first one you don't think it's working, it's fucking working. It works.

Never take the second one. It's working fine. I took the second one. Around that time, I got a text from that girl saying, hey, I'm going to come after all. She wasn't going to come. She's like, hey, I'm coming from Santa Monica. Oh, I didn't know that. I'm coming to the Fourth of July party.

Okay. And I was like, oh, no. And the darkness. The darkness hit. I blacked out. I've never blacked out harder. And had to be taken care of. People were feeding me water and stuff.

And I was just incomprehensible. Terrible, scary stuff that I wish i never would have gone through or would never wish i would have put those friends through again shout out to phoebe bottoms taking care of me that night uh can i say at one point though you did say something hilarious what i say we were in the car going back to your house yeah it was zach was driving you were in the car right back to your house. It was, Zach was driving. You were in the car, right? I was out of town. Okay, so it was Zach. I wasn't in the car. I walked home that night. No, Zach drove you home. We were in the, it was Zach. Did I go back? No, no, no, but for some

reason we were in the car. No, this was a different night, but yeah, yeah, yeah. What did I say that night? You were like, you were out of nowhere. You turned to Zach and you were like, I think you should really start leading into your Italian heritage. I stand by that. Yes.

You ain't lying. You ain't lying. I was laughing for weeks. That was brouhaha. This was after that. I was laughing for weeks off that. I must have not been that fucked up because I remember exactly where it was. But yeah, I walked home later than that.

But it was the weirdest thing. When I came to, it was like I hadn't done any drugs at all. When I came out of it like an hour later, I was like, whoop. Well, you're great. Yeah. And then walked home. So it was just fucking weird, man. Don't do all the drugs.

Moderation is key. We're learning that more and more as we get older. It's fun to do a little bit of drugs. It's fun to do a little bit of stuff. You don't have to. Just because you bought them doesn't mean that. Just because you bought them doesn't mean you and your friends got to do them.

I know you and your friends collectively bought them. You don't have to do them all that night. No, you don't. You can put them away. It's fun that way. They can sit there. Anyway. Put them in the freezer. I'm very grateful that my rock bottom was higher than other rock bottoms because it could have gone way bad

oh totally yeah so don't do all the drugs i learned that the hard way that things were weird with that girl and they remain weird and they and she's a hundred percent right for them to be that way and they remain weird it's my fault and i was a fucking idiot that night for doing all those drugs i was a complete gentleman but that night for doing all those drugs. I was a complete gentleman, but I shouldn't have done all those drugs. Anyway, don't do drugs. Don't do all the drugs. Sean, your second pick. Second pick is going to be make sure that you're both ready

to French kiss. Oh! We're wholesome. Gotta laugh for Marissa. Taking her back a little bit. Taking her back to grade school? I don't know when kids start Frenching. Taking her back to the old school. Do you just call it kissing?

Because of the Quebecois? You don't want to talk about it? She's not giving you anything. Okay, alright, I understand. Damn, you just got stonewalled hard. Marissa, shut it down. Like it was the Quebecois separatist movement. And she was Pierre Trudeau.

Accurate? Yeah. All right, go. Well, I'm glad somebody got something out of this. Yeah. I'm in sixth grade, and my girlfriend, Molly, we were outside of the skating rink. Oh, so this one has Molly in it, too.

Yes. I was taking Molly in sixth grade with a closed mouth, and I didn't know how to do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. My girlfriend's name was Molly. Okay. And we were outside of the mall and I went to, so we got dropped off at the mall. That's right.

So we're at the mall chilling and we went to kiss and it was one of those things where our friends knew we were going to kiss, you know? So there was like a bunch of girls over here and a bunch of like boys over here. We're all in front of God knows how many people at in and the fucking in front of the mall at like 6 p.m and we went to kiss and i went to french kiss her and her mouth was shut and i just went in like a dog and not but i was like oh god and i licked i like licked her because my eyes were closed and then i we were terrified and we both just put our heads down and ran to our groups and like got tons of shit. So the next night we all went to carousel skate and we're there.

We reset. We're all going to go kiss again. And I went to. Are we all going to go kiss? Or just you and that girl going to kiss and your friends are going to watch? It was like the jets and the sharks. Everyone was there like watching. So I went to kiss her.

You were kissing. We went to kiss outside the skating rink. And I, again, closed my eyes. Mouth closed this time because I was going to be a gentleman. She came in with an open mouth and licked my face. And then I don't know that we ever actually French kissed. I think we broke up after that. Feel as old as time.

The lack of. Song as old as rhyme. You can't get less chemistry. These kids can't French kiss. Go to bed, Chip. Can you imagine doing that as a grown-up, going in with your mouth wide open? We didn't know how to kiss, so it's just like... How early did you start closing your eyes?

Like, I mean, distance-wise. Because it feels like... 15 feet away. I had my hand on my friend's shoulder. I go, take me to Molly. You were both on skates and they pushed you towards each other. I am prepared to kiss. This is the last word I'll say for the next 30 feet as my mouth will be wide open and my eyes will be closed.

Take me to Molly. Just open my mouth. Take me to Molly. Thank you. I think I'll have a kiss now. Take me balay thank you oh my god yeah man make sure you're both ready to french kiss because when you're grown-ups you do some of those like lip kisses oh you don't like going crazy yes you know so weird angles yeah absolutely yeah but yeah partially open when you're like an art house film Dutch angles and shit When you're kids you just think it's like

You have to literally kiss like they do in kids Where they're just like two horses just trying to eat each other Yeah Somehow my top lip is on a chin cleft I love that Oh yeah where the lips just kind of meet And yeah that's great Or my beginner stache is caught in her braces

Yeah You got that one kiss where it's like top teeth but bottom lip yeah did you ever like bump teeth oh yeah dude i got big teeth yeah yeah uh david it's time for your second and third picks as it is okay serpentine draft It is. Okay. Serpentine Draft. My second pick is pretty straightforward. Guys, dead animals have diseases. What the fuck? David. David Borey.

So here's what happened. I was camping at Lake McConaughey, Nebraska Where? With my buddy Wow, wow Hat Compton was up there Dougie Fresh was up there

Schroeder was There was a whole bunch of people we were camping And we were fishing real heavy And the night before we had been My buddy, he found a snake that was dead Yeah But it had babies in it, so he opened it up and we used it for fishing bait.

Yeah. And we had been messing with just dead shit all day, and then we were kind of throwing guts at each other and we were laughing. Did you guys think the world had ended and this was like Lord of the Flies type stuff? No, man. We were just, I don't know. Goof trooping. Yeah, we were goof trooping.

It was, you know, we had some beers, we had some kids in the woods. Hey, oh, yeah. We had a cop a ghoul. We had a cop a ghoul. We had some beers. We had some kids in the woods. We had a gobble-goo. We had a gobble-goo. We had a fresh mozzarella. You got a dead snake. You got babies. You got the babies. Come on, you're breaking my balls.

I can't do it. It's all for something I can't fish. The fish aren't going to catch themselves. I don't know if you can fish. I've never been out there with you. You know we can fish. I'm talking about it with you. I love fishing.

I've never been out with you. Let's go fishing. Okay, Sean, now is the time for this? No, go ahead. Anyways, we were playing with that dead animal that night. I had been throwing it with a hat, so maybe it built up some anima. I don't know what happened. But the next day, I'm walking, just walking to the beach.

I hear some footsteps. I turn behind me because we had also been having like a wrestling competition that weekend. But it was really just everybody would jump somebody and pin them for a while. Yeah. So I thought it was my turn. So I turned around. I just feel big, wet smack. And what happened is Hat hat, he picked up.

He found a dead carp. Whoa. Just like a fat, bloated, disgusting. Carps are the ones with the spikes, right? Carps are the ones with the sucker mouths. They're like giant goldfish. He had found a dead one just sitting, just floating. It had been dead for days.

And he picked it up and just threw it at my arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had touched it too. But I was like, whatever. He's like, I, yeah. But he had touched it too, but he, I was like, whatever. He's like, I'm going to go wash my hands. And I was like, I'm going to go fishing. This is dumb. So he went and washed his hands. I didn't wash my hands.

A few days later, I start to get like bubbles and like pustules. Really? And basically what happened was I got the streptococcus virus on my arm. Did you have a cut or something or it just virus on my arm. Or something? Or it just was on your arm? It just, it just, the scales, staff.

Yeah. Yeah. The scales had like, I guess cut my arm a little bit, but it was like probably from like the middle of my forearm to my elbow. No, like that game. And like,

but I didn't have, I was like 21. So I didn't have any health insurance. So I went to my buddy's mom who was a nurse and she was like, that could go to your genitals and I was like wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee that's what your ambulance sounded like

wee wee wee wee wee wee wee I was like cut it off I'm ready for my robot arm I don't need it anymore you got the belt around it do it I'll do it and it was I mean not to be too gross but it was brutal I went to the hospital and it. Do it. I'll do it. And it was, I mean, not to be too gross, but it was brutal. I went to the hospital and they like washed it out.

And then they took like a scrub brush with plastic bristles and like took all the dead skin away. And it was because I didn't wash that carp off my arm. Damn, dude. Oh, man. Or you were turning into a carp. Yeah. That's not a good thing. I don't want that either.

Carp is a trash fish. Yeah, it's a trash fish. I like the way they fish them. You can fish. There's cool ways to fish them. Okay. They set up these traps and then you... Whatever.

Carp trap. The point is, dead animals... Carp trap. Carp trap. Carp. Carp. Carp. All right.

So yeah, dead animals have diseases. Learn that one the hard way. That's a fucking gnarly one to learn the hard way. And the next one is, I've learned this lesson a few times. And if you're going to take a piss test, just don't smoke weed, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. Just don't smoke weed.

I've even had to do that. It is not like, you know how many, I've stayed up with niacin with my like took a bunch of niacin pills all itchy yeah my skin is hot i've watched people drink vinegar oh yeah i've drank vinegar drink it like they're i'm trying to like figure out ways to like fucking strap some shit up to my nutsack holding a condom full of piss up to a heater? Yeah, yeah. Try to find friends. Try to find which one of my dirt bag friends fucking Hennessy sweat piss isn't filled

with seeds and stems. Just don't smoke weed. Yeah. You want the job at Sports Authority. Hennessy. You need a job at Sports Authority.

You can do that discount. You get a trampoline for the whole house. Dog, you could have been wearing batting gloves one at a time like Method Man used to do.

But you had to be out here smoking schwag blunts that's the thing wasn't even good weed there was there was no such thing as good weed around there was it wasn't good not that i remember when there was no good weed yeah remember when she used to go dry yeah i think that's why i know in oregon there was no good weed in colorado there's no good weed that's why why I don't think... I think that really hit me hard because that's when I was like, I got to smoke weed. Everyone's smoking weed.

And we were doing this like... It looked like exhaust fumes coming out. Oh, for sure. Like shit floating around in it and stuff. Now they sell shit. When you open the jar, it sounds like a music box. Seriously?

And it smells like a forest. Yeah. It's the best forest you've ever been to. Yeah. No, I think weed smells great. I drafted it in one of these drafts. Hand to God, I'm trying, dude. We don't even have a guest today.

Hand to God, I'm trying. Who knows what he's capable of. Hand to God, I'm trying. Well, he can't do anything worse than Lil Boosie ever did to anyone. Okay, man. What are you doing? You don't even know what Lil Boosie did to anyone. I don't need to.

That's what fucks me up about this whole thing. That's what fucks me up about this whole thing. I don't need to, bro. You don't even know what Lil Boosie did to anyone. I don't need to. That's what fucks me up about this whole thing. That's what fucks me up about this whole thing. I don't need to, bro. You don't even know his reputation. The point is. Real gutter, man. That's your. That's the Lil Boosie.

You don't even. You were saying. David, I'd say put your shirt on, but you ripped it off. You didn't even rip it off. It just came off. It's the floor shirt. He ripped his shirt off, and he's wearing the suit. He's going to wear to court already.

Premeditated. That's how they got me. The whole crime was premeditated. Mr. Borey, did you show up to the assault wearing your current suit under your clothing? Yeah, yeah, I did. I plead the fifth. I plead. Yeah, so yeah, man, just don't.

It's not worth it. Young teens, listen, you want the job more than you want that weed. Or grownups. I know, plenty of grownups. Or grownups. Hopefully in our lifetime those weed laws will change. Probably not. People suck. Yeah, man, and people are scared of grownups. Hopefully in our lifetime, those weed laws will change. Probably not. People suck.

Yeah, man, and people are scared of it like it's a real drug. So treat it as such, and don't use it if you want a job. Yeah. Or you're on probation. Those nerves. Because hot UAs will fuck you up. You know that, too. You know that, David.

You've done two hot UAs. You know you can't do a third. What? There's, really? They're not like a limit. They don't keep track, do they? track do they oh i'm talking about oh you just mean like at a job yeah yeah or if you're on probie though yeah but anyways yeah the point is just a cousin's been sent back to jail a few times because i know i have multiple friends who've gotten fucked their whole life up yeah because it's just like it's like you don't even have to stop forever, but just for a while.

Two weeks, three weeks, man. It's just not worth it. Kind of got like a job and kids and stuff and like things are going well, but it has to go back to jail because of fucking piss test.

Yeah, because piss test because he dropped hot. Sean, time for your third pick. The third pick, it's going to, okay, so the third pick,

a lesson I learned the hard way i'm not tough oh yeah but i want the pick to be you're most of you aren't tough no and don't for a second think you're tougher than you are you're not about that action you don't have to be scared you don't have to be terrified it doesn't make you a coward sometimes you should be though sometimes you should be you need to know you need to know what you're getting yourself into. And I found out the extreme hard way. I found this out a few times. But the first time I found it out, we were at my friend CJ's house.

We were at my friend CJ's house. And he's on the phone talking shit to this huge kid who lived about five blocks away. I'm a sixth grader. This kid's an eighth grader. Five blocks. But it's in my head like, he ain't walking all the way over here. He's got five blocks away. I'm a sixth grader. This kid's an eighth grader. Five blocks. But it's in my head like, he ain't walking all the way over here. He's got five blocks in him.

What 14-year-old can walk five blocks? Yeah, what spry young man? The prime of his life. So I get on the phone. I grab the phone from CJ because he's not saying what I want him to say. I was like, you ain't shit, dude. You ain't going to do shit.

You ain't going to fucking come over here. You ain't shit. He goes, I'll be there in minutes.. I was like, you ain't shit, dude. You ain't going to do shit. You ain't going to fucking come over here. You ain't shit. He goes, I'll be there in minutes. And I was like, bring your fucking ass over here. I hung the phone up and I welled up. I almost started crying. I was like, he's coming over here, dude. CJ wasn't going to do shit.

I could tell from his side of the conversation already that he was like, sucks for you, man. Banging on the door, door like seriously four minutes later he's banging on the door and i was like fuck i gotta go out there gotta go out you can't well i'm gonna go to school the next day being like so i go outside you gotta go outside i start talking kabam he slaps me as hard as i've ever been slapped slaps me 14 14 year old hand to 12 year old face. Just slaps me. And then I started like. So disrespectful.

Oh dude. King Dupont's rook. I was like quivering chin. Or whatever. King Dupont slap. I wanted you to have said that. I'm sorry. I don't want to.

King Dupont's rook. He slaps. And I start welling up. I was like, I'm sorry, man. And then he punched me pretty hard. Like right, right on my jaw. Damning up. I was like, I'm sorry, man. And then he punched me pretty hard, like right on my jaw. Damn. And then I was like, shit. It's like how a man punches another man.

Now you're in it. Like, am I going to stand here and get my ass kicked? How a teen punches a child. Yeah, I wasn't even a teenager yet. But then I was like, I don't want to. I don't want to talk shit. I don't want to get hit. Cause and effect.

I don't want to do anything. I don't live by that podcast. No, no, no, no. But it's a good one. I don't want shit long enough to get hit, cause and effect. I don't live by that podcast. No, no, no, no. That's a good one. Keep in mind. So I didn't want to push it because I'm like, the second I do something to him, he's got every right to just throw me in.

CJ's front yard, who CJ's in the house. He's not even out there trying to help. That's so funny. Was he just watching from inside the house? From the window, dude. Yeah, from the split foyer window. He didn't even go downstairs. Not even at the... God the window, dude. Yeah, from the split foyer window. He didn't even go downstairs. Not even at the...

He looks like, God, who on Eddie's phone? So this kid, he starts, he's like, shouldn't talk shit. And I was like, you talking shit. And I tried.

And he's like, kiss my shoe. And I go, I'm not going to kiss your shoe. And he goes, kiss my fucking shoe. And I go, I'm not going to kiss your shoe.

And he goes, I was going to kick your fucking teeth out. And then he's like, don't talk shit. And he walked away. I didn't talk a lot after that. That was a lesson. You got whore. I went through... a lot after that. That was a lesson. You got whore.

I went through it. You got whore. He was in the hallway when I did that. I bet he was. He was in the hallway watching. He knew he was a direct influence of me being a prick for a while. Yeah. And he still hates me, by the way, this kid.

That guy does? Yeah. Good. Fuck him. We were talking about this in minneapolis yeah he's still he still hates me and he could still get it done really yeah dude dare i say i'm less tough than i was when i was 12 there's no real reason to be tough no there isn't there are some people there's a lot of reasons yeah yeah uh you know most of the time if that's not

what you're it's just it's a very high stakes game of play. Think of the when keeping it real goes wrong sketch. Exactly. When at any time you're like, do I need to be tough right now or am I making this harder on myself? That's all I'm saying. And do I want to be? Yeah. Is this really what I want?

Well, there's times you have to stick up for yourself. You have to be. Of course. You have to, you know? Yeah. And you can't get out of it. But don't, like I did, I put myself, all I did was put myself in that situation.

Could I swallow my pride right now and then be at home in 15 minutes eating Taco Bell? You have no one. No one trying to put shoes in my mouth. Yeah. What is this, a Sean Patton headshot? Come on. Hell yeah.

We gotta get him on the podcast. White cons. Yeah. All right, it's time for my third and fourth picks, as it is. My third pick, get that later flight. That is a later flight. Didn't even make it. Minneapolis.

Yeah. Say word. Dude, get that later flight. Fuck, yeah. This is maybe a comedian-specific thing, but it's also- A traveling thing? It's a traveling. If you're the kind of person who listens to our podcast, you're probably the kind of person

who maybe on a Saturday goes out and has a couple drinks, two Molly Pills, a Tupperware container full of mushroom tea. You know, that kind of person. You know, but then maybe you got that flight that leaves at 6 a.m. thinking, hey, I'm going to get back to my house. I'm going to have a whole day when I get back. That's never what's going to happen. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to get

back to your hotel room at like 3 a.m. You're going to get one and a half hours of feverish heartburn stricken sleep. Horrible. You wake up every 10 minutes, check your phone. Oh good, I got another 10. Oh good, I got another 10. Oh good, I got another 10. Oh, now I got to piss. You're going to take a shower that hurts somehow?

The shower's going to hurt, you know? The smell of the hotel soap is going to give you a headache. It's going to get in your eyes for some reason. You're already frustratingly embarrassed. Yeah. Like, I got to go to the airport like this? You're going to eat a dry sandwich from the only place at the airport that's open? It's going to hurt to swallow it?

I'm getting so bummed. You're going to get on that plane, and you're going to have just hot sleep. Just like a hot, terrible sleep. You're going to be sweaty. You're going to sweat through your hoodie. People are going to look at you like the scumbag you are. You're going to get home.

You're going to get to your house. You're going to either go through the McDonald's drive-thru or Postmates and breakfast. You're going to eat it, and then you're going to sleep until 4, and you're not going to have a day at all. So how about this? Just fucking get that 10 a.m. flight.

You know? Get back a couple hours later, but then actually have a day. Just get that later flight. You get to the airport when there's actual alive people there. So it just, the ambiance, you're like, alright. This isn't as bad. Like, it's still not amazing that I'm up, but this is fine.

It's 9 in the morning. I'm at the air plate. It's not 4. Not once have I been glad I had that 6 a.m. flight. Not one time. I can't avoid it on the way out to some places because you've got to leave L.A. early. But honestly, on the way out, most of the time, you didn't have the night that you had the last night in town. Yeah, I'm not getting drunk the night before I'm going on the plane.

No, I used it, dude. When we first started kind of getting to do this for real, I would be like, well, I'm not getting up at four, bro. I'll just stay up all night and have like Ganja John drive me to the airport at 2.30 with one eye. Ganja John had one eye for the rest of his life. He still has one eye. Shout out to Ganja John, actually. He did drive me to the airport a bunch. He of his life. I mean, he still has one eye. Still has one eye. Shout out to Gan Dijon, actually.

He did drive me to the airport a bunch. Oh, sweetheart. Yeah. Hothead, but sweetheart. And then I'd sit up till like four, miserable. Yeah. Anyway, yeah. Get that later flight.

That's a good-ass call. Yeah. I didn't even think of that. That's a good-ass call. That later flight. And then I'm going to pick this one. This one I have to deliver with nuance. I can tell by the look. I have to deliver with nuance. I can tell by the look.

I have to deliver with nuance. Is it like a direct thing that David and I haven't learned yet? It's a lesson I learned, maybe not the hard way, but it is a lesson I learned that I want to impart if I can. Which is, don't date someone like way younger than you. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah.

Even if they're a wonderful person, you know and like all that other good shit is there it's still and maybe it works out for some people i don't know yeah i don't know but that age gap sometimes never worked out for me if you're in different big phases of your life you know like i was dating someone for a while who they were the age but i hadn't even started stand-up yet yeah and then i would think about to like all the decisions i made in the ensuing years and being like shit is like gigantic like wait was too old for you no no no i was too old for them right right yeah and it was like oh man am i like like this person's so much earlier in their journey

right even if we get along great on these other things you know there's there's just gonna there's gonna be generational things we don't understand about each other right it's gonna be pop culture things you don't understand about each other conversations are gonna feel weird you're gonna feel weird because of those conversations and when you meet their friends that's how i knew yeah i was like wait if you meet your young girlfriend's friends that'll make you not want to have a young girlfriend yeah completely you're like oh so what's up you guys uh you guys blasted sigs what do you i don't know man well and i don't like feeling you know i'm a creep i don't need to be here and i've never even the longest the furthest apart i've done is like six years but it's it's like a like but if you're doing it right you probably won't be

around those people listen some people some people can do it right. I'm just saying it's a lesson I learned. I've been lying this whole time. Laura's 62. She's 62 years old. Yeah. She's the youngest 62-year-old you've ever seen. She's spry. As a 19-year-old who went to homecoming with a senior, I can tell you one of the worst

nights of my entire life. That's an age gap. That's the biggest age gap. A lot of you guys think I'm a cool guy. No way. That shit sucks. Listen, once you hit like 28, 28 to 40 or whatever, that's all kind cool guy no way that shit sucks listen once you hit like 28 28 to 40 or whatever that's all kind of the same that's yeah but the difference between like like early 30s

and like early 20s or whatever oh man you are different 21 year old right now 21 and 20 was pretty different to say to you i dated a 20 year when I was 21, and I was at the bar. She would just wait for me afterwards. That had to be the worst thing in the world for her. And also, if you think it makes you look cool because you got a crazy hot younger GF or BF, no, you look weird. We all think it's weird. And then you bring her to our parties and everybody's like, so Jeff brought his girlfriend. She was using a lot of apps. And I don't mean Applewood smoked sausage.

Yeah. I'm talking about phone apps. Yeah. And also sometimes you know what you're doing if you never date people your own age that is that's fucking weird too you gotta come to terms you know i mean you gotta look around be like well why don't people who are who were at the same point you know then we're getting some drake shit which we don't have time to talk about right now oh boy though just real quick it's's weird what Drake's up to sometimes.

Yep. It's weird. One other point. Why is he always rapping about girls? How much they learned in bed? They fucked one time and then they fucked again six months later. And he's got rap lines about, I can tell you've been studying or learning like when we're topping.

Yeah. That's weird. Why are you obsessed with girls learning more in bed? I mean, on its own, maybe not suspicious, but coupled with girls learning more in bed? I mean, listen. That on its own, maybe not suspicious, but coupled with all this, you're texting Millie Bobby Brown? What are you doing, bro?

It's weird, dude. What are you doing, bro? We need you right now. We need you to not be a weirdo. Chill out. Because Kanye's just coming back. Is Kanye coming back? We'll see.

We'll see. We'll see. All I got to say to that is, all I got to gotta say kanye yeah maybe a guy who learns lessons the hard way yes kanye could be the fourth rapper on this for sure yeah for sure he only learns lessons the hard way yeah but that's all i got on that yeah uh yeah all right uh don't don't actually lie about living with your parents. There you go. You know? Wait. Yeah. I learned it the real hard way, but I lied about it for years.

I lived with my mom, and I would just lie about it. What? You would just say you didn't live with your mom? Yeah. I mean, because I would just tell girls, like, we couldn't go to my house for whatever reason. Or just anyone. Oh, how long can that last? You can't keep- I mean, it's getting fumigated.

There's a really angry possum who lives underneath the house. Our door fell off so we just had to brick it up my roommate's a dick you got to go down the chimney like santa claus i use that one a bunch my roommate's a dick for sure but you just lived with your mom the dogs well it was my mom and stink guys so there was one time i met a girl i sleep in a wardrobe i met a girl we didn't uh never slept i've never slept nothing happened but she was like she was just put. And I was like, okay, we got to. I wrote a joke about it. Nobody believes me.

But I go, we can go to my house and we got to be really quiet. Because my two roommates, I don't want to wake the dog up is what I said. And really it was my mom and my stepdad. And so we go. I was like, let me go in and make sure the dogs are all right. So I go in and I just make sure they're asleep. And then I take her upstairs. She's like, wow, you have this whole adult-ass house?

Yeah. Seriously? Wow, you take Metamucil? We go upstairs. Oh, yeah. You have a Volvo? Yeah, that's cool, man. Wow.

This is all your Dakota Electric Supply Group clothing, huh? Wow, you have a lacquered Dolly Parton wood panel? Wow. Yeah, you have your art from elementary school on the fridge. That's an interesting move. A lot of vinyl. The take her upstairs, and then we just go to sleep. And then the next day, I did the same thing.

I was like, I got to make sure my dogs are all right before I take you out. Like, I was raised in two vicious pit bulls or something. And then we go downstairs, and there's fine. And then we leave, and then I come back in, and vicious pit bulls or something. And then we go downstairs and there's fine and then we leave and then I come back in and my stepdad's standing there. The meanest he looked, he had one of those

mean guy goatees for a while. Yeah. He just looks at me and goes, hey, no more sleepovers. I was like, all right. Head between my legs. Like 24.

Who cares? Well, whatever. Anyway. He fucking cared. Yeah, that was just, that was definitely for me, but don't lie about that. You know, embrace yourself. Embrace yourself. Have the confidence to say, listen, I was definitely for me. But don't lie about that. You know, embrace yourself.

Have the confidence to say, listen, I live with my parents. I'm hitting a rough patch. I don't know how you're broke when you're 24 in Sioux Falls, but I was. My name is Larry David and I enjoy wearing women's pants. So yeah, don't lie about living with your parents. David, time for your fourth and fifth picks, as it is. Okay. David, time for your fourth and fifth picks, as it is.

Okay. My fourth pick is read the fine print because you get what you pay for. Yep. That's for sure. That's how it works. If some shit is too real, if that car is $400, the key's going to break off in the ignition. David. And it's going to be another $ 400 to get it out of there.

Well, no, you're just going to leave it in the Papa Murphy's Taken Bank parking lot until the cops tow it six months later. But you're going to have to see it when you ride your bike to work at Conoco every day. And you're going to have to see it when you come home on said bike. Just thankful that your buddy let you borrow his Schwinn. Because he went to the army and he wouldn't be using it. And then you're going to be a 20-year-old kid who drives a BMX bike to work at Conoco. It's not a good life. And also,

Spirit Airlines. Maybe if you're going to get the ticket, David, know what their baggage policy is so you and Keith30 aren't wearing your entire wardrobe for the Denver trip on the plane. Shout out to Pants Lasagna. Yeah, shout out to Pants Lasagna, who understands.

But just like my whole life, I've always had that where I like thought I got a good deal, and then I got fucked because it's just nothing that should cost $1,000 costs $20. There's no good deals. Unless it's stolen. There is no good deals. I told my mom, like, mom, bless your heart. And I get so mad at the people who send these emails out. But she's like, yeah, I might have got you an iPod for like $30.

And I go, man, no, you didn't. Yeah. No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah. iPad, none of that's happening. And that comes with its own problem. It's its own bag of snacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I've also, don't get me wrong, I'm prejudiced my fair share is still on goods. But just like, yeah, you get what you pay for, man. You just do. That is a. You just do. That is fantastic. So read the fine print. Read the fine print.

Read the fine print. You give what you pay. Man. Yeah. True words, Playboy. And this one, this one, I don't want to bring it down because it's a funny story that brought this up. But also, it can go very easily another way. My fifth one, don't play chicken with cops.

Yep. If you're in a position where, like, I've had it or just little times where they called my bluff because I was like, you know, fuck you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or like I had it one time where I got arrested and shit. I wasn't going to get arrested, but I was drinking underage and I only had two beers and I was popping off. I was like, man, I'm not fucking drunk. So what's up? What are you going to do? I didn't do nothing.

And then, okay, bro, into this. How old are you? 20. Fucking arrested. I can just see cops be like well yeah i'll tell you what i'm gonna do and it's like and like i asked for it another time a friend of mine there was an altercation with the police i stepped in and all of a sudden i got you know shut the fuck down and i got red beams all over my body yeah yeah yeah and i was just trying to help my friend but like you just like and obviously you know young black men to you as well, just like, man, that game

is, you're never going to confront the cops in that manner and have it end up. And win. And win. You're just, how were they going to be like, oh, you're right, sir. Thanks for yelling at me. Yeah. Not, if you look like me, it just doesn't go like that. So just don't play with the cops man just don't even if you find yourself in those positions

it's better to like take what they're gonna give you and sort it out after it later yeah yeah yeah if they were if they were wrong which we all know they can be a lot of times oh yeah take due course later but like often yeah just because like and like all you young hotheads like 19 20 year olds he knows he's making you feel like that yeah he knows he's testing your manhood and he loves it he loves it the whole fucking hey why don't you take why don't you sit on the ground why don't you just sit on the ground exactly and i'm gonna stand over you exactly we had cops when we were skating they'd be like we're fucking 25 30 and 30, and they're like, take a seat. You're in cuffs, and he's talking about you directly. Don't.

You never. This stuff, oh, I guess you can't read, huh? You can't read the signs, and you're like, you know I can read, bro. Yeah. Don't ever. Don't ever. It's just don't. It's just you're not.

I've never heard anybody say, take off that badge, and we'll see what you're all about. I've never seen that. It's not like that movie, of the Watch where he fought him. That was the coolest thing I've ever seen in a movie, though. Yeah, he's like, all right, hold me down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was incredible, but that's not. It's a movie.

That's a fucking movie. That's a lethal weapon, too. Mellie Gibson and Mr. Joshua fight at the end just for fun. See, that is so cool in movies but like in real life these dudes they took a job where they can carry guns and break down doors from the government what makes you think they want to fight they're hyper middle school football coaches hyper hyper same energy but yep turned up to fucking 100 so yeah don't play chicken with the it's just it's just like in funny ways too it's just no it. Oh, hey, you fucking dumbass.

Here's a ticket, you fucking chud. Sit down. Now you have 300 less dollars. Yeah, I was going to let you. You know how many video games I could have got you? I was going to let you go home, you idiot. I was going to let you walk home to your house. I wish cops, I, for instance, have been nothing but like cordial and kind with cops. And I've gotten let out of some situations where I should have been in trouble.

Yeah. Yeah. I've heard that happen to people. Also, I'm a Caucasian. Yeah, I mean, but I've had especially, when I was younger, I don't have those interactions much, but when I was younger, I very much had something to prove, and it never worked out, and it worked even

worse for some of my friends. Just don't. Not worth it, man. Sean Jordan, your final pick. Go to the dentist. Oh, yeah. That's a very good pick. Go to the dentist. I'm going to That's a very good pick. Go to the dentist. I'm going to love that one. I'm about to learn it the hard way again.

Just because it's been a while. And now I'm going again and like, I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine, but it's like... It's better than what's going to happen if you don't. There it is. And that's a hard truth to face. 40-year-old John's going to be fine, but it's like the last- It's better than what's going to happen if you don't. There it is. And that's a hard, hard, hard truth to face. 40-year-old John's going to thank you.

But yeah, go to the dentist, man. Brush your teeth. It ain't hard. It ain't hard to- Oh, well, I shouldn't say, if you have the means to go to the dentist, go to the dentist. Like, it can be tricky. That means all you 25-year-olds who are on your parents' shit, it's about to- Go.

Go before that shit runs out. It's cheaper now than it will be- I mean, like, I know it can seem like prohibitively expensive to go get a cleaning, but like, 50 bucks? What am I,

fuck, yeah, but yeah, but later, it's gonna, like, if it's 1500 down the road,

you're gonna be glad you spent that 50. Yep, go to the dentist. And cause tooth pain is, that's some shit that's hard to, dude,

it's right there, it's so close to your brain. Yeah, it's quick. Not everyone knows how to, it's like me going to Zan Cow Chicken, you know, I don't even have to drive. Nope, nope, I just feel myself there. Yeah, that's quick. Not everyone knows how to- It's like me going to Zen Cow Chicken. I don't even have to drive.

Nope, nope. I just feel myself there. That's one of the rare things you can go to the ER with and they're like, oh man, I don't know. I guess we can give you some pills, but we can't do any, we can't stitch that up. There's no dentist in here. That's just going to be that way for like three days until he gets back from Bermuda. He's thinking about extending.

He might stay there. He doesn't know. It looks good. He might buy the place. That's solid, though. You're right, though. Don't, yeah, go to the dentist. Go to the dentist.

Here's my final one. All right, what do we got? Don't devote more energy to negative people than you do to the positive people. Man, that's a good... In every part of your life. Yeah. In every part of your life, don't devote more energy to the positive people? Man, that's a good... In every part of your life. Yeah. In every part of your life,

don't devote more energy to the negative people than you do to the positive people. It happens on Twitter all the time with me. You know, it's like, and we're comedians,

like, you know. So easy. You'll get like a hundred people saying nice things to you and then one person like you ain't shit and then you end up

in like a 15 tweet thread with this person. You ain't shit is the only, and it's so sad because especially now we have so many great people who really support us but the you ain't shit tweet is is all you see it's all it's all you see that one person in the crowd who's not laughing and the whole time i'm just staring at them like what are you doing and it's also like you that person doesn't know you yeah so they don't really know what the situation they don't know shit. No.

So you can't be mad. And you can never devastate them because they're a fucking picture of a dog, you know. And this is what they get on the internet for. And they're streaming at a snickerdoodle 69. The fuck? What are you going to like deep dive on them? Yeah. It's not worth your time.

Yeah. Fuck those people. And like the way I learned that, and I'm still grappling with it, but I learned it in a big way. And it's like a thing I tell myself when I feel like myself getting out of pocket. But man, there was some thread that I got on with these InfoWars motherfuckers that got me doxxed and my family address doxxed. And these people trying to ruin my career and get me fired and all that shit because I was fucking arguing with this dude about Ivanka Trump. And instead of just focusing on the nice know, I focused on this bad one.

But it's true in every part of your life. If you're like focused on all the – like the person that work – who you hate instead of the people who you love working with, that's toxic. You know? 100%. Yeah. In every part of your life, I think that's good advice. I was a little bummed out when we got here. You guys even noticed and now I'm fucking in a fantastic mood.

Yeah, man. Focus on the positive shit. I'm here with positive people. Yeah. People I love. Yeah, exactly. So that's my final one. Have a driver's license

was one that I had on. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. I had some goofy ones. College isn't for everyone. Don't wear a fashion bandana like Tupac. Three card Monty

is 100% a grift. Yeah. Keep your eyes on the road. You can't get into Canada with a DUI. That's a good one. But like for your eyes on the road. You can't get into Canada with a DUI. That's a good one. But like for real. Yeah, for real.

Don't get gout. Don't be screaming on streets you don't know at nighttime. Maybe don't play high school football. These are all good ones. That's actually, yeah. Your knees are going to get weird when it's cold. Just a quick recap. David, you went first.

You took food stamps don't always come on at midnight. Dead animals have diseases. If you've got to take a piss test, stamps don't always come on at midnight. Dead animals have diseases. If you gotta take a piss test, just don't smoke weed. Read the fine print because you get what you pay for and don't play chicken with cops. I stand by all of those. Sean, you went second. You took pay your tickets. Make sure that you're both

ready to French kiss. You're not tough. Don't lie about living with your parents and then go to the dentist. This is just a good stuff here. It's all solid. I went last. I picked have car insurance. You don't have to do all the drugs.

Get that later flight. Don't date someone way younger than you. And then don't devote more time to negative people than you do to positive people. Excellent picks all around. I have to pee so bad. Yeah, me too. Me too.

My leg's been going like a fucking butter churn for 15 minutes. I was like, either you went against your advice and took all the drugs or you got to pee. I got to pee so bad. Shout out to the AFV subreddit. We fucking love you. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Keep emailing in. Keep tweeting.

Keep hitting everything up. Sorry if we're a little behind. We've had a couple busy weeks, but that will be rectified. We're catching up this weekend. Two night. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. We've had a couple busy weeks, but that will be rectified. We're catching up this weekend. Tonight. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. We love you on Twitter.

Hit us up at AllFantasyPod. Hell yeah. Or AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Keep that shit coming. Send us your questions. Sign up for the Patreon. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

Slam! That was a HeadGum Podcast.