All Fantasy Everything - Things You've Never Done But Are Pretty Sure You'd Be Good At (Live w/ Zak Toscani, Sean Jordan, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: July 18, 2019

ITS ALL THE WAY LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO! The boys draft things we’ve never done, but we’re pretty sure we’d be good at.This was recorded live at The Great American Musical Hall in San Francisco.Episode Guest:Zak Toscani @zaktoscani IG: @zaktoscaniMinneapolis, Illinois, Ohio, and Michigan! The All Fantasy Everything Summer Tour is coming to a city near you. Find dates and tickets at headgum.com/live.This week's sponsor is Manscape. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code ALLFANTASY at Manscaped.comSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Live from the great American music hall in beautiful San Francisco, California. Oh, my friends, my friends. How's everybody doing? Make some noise. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God.

What a fucking turnout. This is amazing. We thought 45 people were going to show up, and then we're all going to drive down from Portland. So this is amazing. Oh, no shit. Oh, fuck yeah. I see the blazers hat. Absolutely. Absolutely. Where's brochure light brochure light in the house? Yeah. What up, John? But it's time to talk about something serious. Uh, David, Sean and I flew here on three different planes. Kind of like how the president and the vice president can never be on the same airplane.

And Sean's plane crashed into David's plane. And they both fell into the mouth of a Godzilla that was hanging out somewhere between here and Seattle. So it's just going to be me, Will Clark, Monte Ellis. And of course, everybody's favorite, Mark Zuckerberg on the podcast today. Local references? I know three of them. How the hell are you? All right. Listen, I would love to do this podcast alone. I want all the money, you know what I mean?

I want all the attention, all the adulation. But unfortunately, you know, unfortunately, I got two other people involved at the top. And now I can't do that. You know what I mean? Until several years from now when we have a very public split and then do a reunion tour six months after that so though I would I though I would you know just do it alone I can't do it alone today no not for you San Francisco I have to bring out somebody who you know as uh Sean. Jordan on Twitter, or Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. A lot of those. We are seeing a lot of those.

A lot of those out there. God damn, this is so sick. I know, this is tight, dude. I'm going to cry if you guys were expecting it. One of these pics will make me cry if all this coffee does it. You know what I mean? Two cups of coffee.

Yeah, all that coffee in this cup. Having some coffee. This is so sick. It's a dope shirt, hell yeah. Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah. Dude, how the fuck are you? I'm great, man. I know how you are.

We've been hanging out all day today. We have been. We were at the airport together. Yep. Had some liquor for breakfast. A little liquor for breakfast. With food and fruit. I had some fruit for breakfast.

Some kid bought my lunch for me today in line. That was crazy. It was weird, kind of. Yeah. See from that deafening silence? See how weird it sounded? Somebody did the pay it forward thing. I didn't think it was real, though.

We'll talk about where we went to lunch later because we need to have a certain someone here to talk about it, but... But? By the way, I just bring it... Because at... I don't know if any of you are just like part of the greater all family everything

on Twitter and stuff. There's a guy... There's a guy we have to... I shouted him out just a second ago, but John at PDX Brocialite on Twitter is from Portland in the crowd today. Yeah, hell yeah.

What up, dog? He had a tweet during the playoffs, which was I want to hear E40 say Pascal Siakam. Watch this basketball game. Pascal Siakam. Pascal Siakam. And it's all, Pascal Siakam. Ooh, Pascal Siakam. And it's all we've been able to think about for the last 48 hours.

Who'd you see over the work? I saw Pascal Siakam. Power forward. Sprinkle me, sprinkle me, sprinkle me, sprinkle me. 40 water. That's my sister. That's my sugar. Did I fuck it up?

Sprinkle me, sprinkle me, sprinkle me. Anyway, this is dope. It's good. When you want to hear E-40 talk on AFE, you hope it's Ian and Sean doing it. Anyway, yeah, some old boy did the, like, bought Sean's lunch and was like, pay it forward, which, you know,

so now you gotta pay forward $17 at some point. I will. I tipped the bartender earlier $10. That was fun. He looked at me like I was a psycho. You know, the highest mitzvah is the one nobody knows about, my friend. You're right. I didn't do that. You know him as the G is silent do that. You know him as the G is silent on Twitter. You know him as

coolguyjokes87 on the gram. Give it up for David Borey! Sprinkle me, man. What's up with that hoodie? It's an E-40 hoodie, isn't it? I've been wearing it all day. I've been with you since we woke up.

Different states I've worn this in with you today. Yeah, true, true, true. You just decided to ask. Yeah. That was a weird way you today. Yeah, true. You just decided to ask. Yeah. That was a weird way to start. Hi, guys. How's everybody doing? Good. I'm gonna get real sweaty this show.

Yeah, dude, we got the towels, though. We got towels. That's the best part about tour is towels. Yeah, we added towels to our rider because we know. It's just Kirkland Signature whiskey and towels. Man, so where do we go? We went to Tommy's Joint. We went to Tommy's Joint.

Oh. Yeah. Dog. Here's the thing. They did raise the price on that sandwich $2. Now it's $6. Yeah, I was going to say. No, it's $8.

It was $8. It's $8.60. That's crazy. Yeah, all right. It was so much sandwich. And your boy got some mashed taters. I can handle it. I handled most of it.

And I got some mashed taters, some gravy, dog. It was sick. Yeah, man. Yeah, my shit was free. I don't know about you, but somebody bought my shit for me. I should have paid for mine like a fucking loser. Oh, yeah.

Karma bought Sean's lunch. Hey, guys, can you give me this sandwich for full price? Man, that's all. That's the bulk of my day, though. It was just Tommy's joint. Yeah, sandwich and flying

took up a lot of it. Yeah. I went to my favorite corner store in Ingleside. We went to Deluxe today. Oh, yeah, we went store in Ingleside. We went to Deluxe today. Oh, yeah, we went to Deluxe. Oh, we went to Deluxe. Shout out Deluxe.

Deluxe Skateboard, like Spitfire, Thunder, Crooked Reel, all the best skateboard brands. We went and we got to go on a tour. Our friend Andy works and runs the art department, so we got to go chill out at Deluxe. Deluxe if you buck.

Deluxe if you buck, right? You saw me. You did a saw me i did a fake i did a fakie kickflip don't worry about it it's no big deal your boy just out there on the streets doing fakie kickflips it's not a big deal it's not gonna be on instagram tomorrow or anything immediately into a christ there 900 yeah it was crazy he just kept doing christ there 900 for the whole time it was wild one christ there 900 into a Nolly manual into another Christ Air 900. It was fucking tight. We're getting there.

The whole time, I didn't even, like my eyes went black and my mouth opened. No shade. So here I am doing everything I can holding on to what I am

feeling like I'm a Superman. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Is that the same song? Yeah. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Is that the same song? Yeah. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Dizzy Gillespie performed here. Yeah? He's performed that song.

And then he did it just now again. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. When I say downstairs Dizzy Gillespie's cousin. Oh. Oh, I blew it. Oh, I blew it in front of all my friends on stage it's cool i came up here thinking i had a here it was a funny disney gillespie joke but i was like oh you know his brother confused sanchez yeah or something it's not like a different last name i did a different

last name too because i in my head they were stepbrothers this hasn't gone you know it's a good joke this hasn't gone the way I thought it was gonna. But that's okay. It's not all A's, guys. The Lord of the Rings took three movies, so like. Exactly. Exactly. Let me cook. I'm not gonna wait for this? Of course I'm gonna wait for this. Yeah. This is just my fellowship of the ring.

And my axe, you know? You shall not pass! Yeah, dude. We heard the horn of Gondor this morning at the airport, so it was on like Michelle Kwan, dude. We had to get real buck. Wait, what happened at the airport? What?

What'd you hear? What? Did you get any of that? No, I didn't get any of that. I didn't get any of that. All I heard was the word buck. It sounded weird to me. Legit, all I heard was Michelle Kwan and buck.

And I was like... I was in. I saw you got in here. I was in. What'd you think? Playing with a Sean Jordan soundboard. You know, buck, buck, buck, buck, Michelle Kwan. Buck, buck, Michelle Kwan.

Buck. I'm going to cry. I like how your fist is out. I'm going to cry. Yeah, I'm just going to hold it on that. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I am so excited that we get to do this.

If you start crying right now, I'll cry. I'm not gonna yet. Please, we got at least an hour and a half before I start crying, but I will. I'm just so stoked that we get to do this, that everybody's here. This is crazy to me. A friend of mine got, I brought it up a bunch today,

but a friend of mine actually got married here like a year ago, and that we get to be here doing this with everybody, it's just so sick. So we'll say it again, but thank you guys so, so, you guys so, so, so, so much for coming out and chilling up top. Holler at your boy.

There's a top. Huh? Huh? I didn't know there was a top. There's a top. What's up, Connor Marshall? Hey! All adjust accordingly. So, frickin', you guys probably,

you're no fuckin', sorry for cussing, dummies. You see the fourth microphone. There it is. We're probably all wondering, what's it for? Who is it gonna be? Sasquatch.

We flew Sasquatch down. Scramsquatch. Scramsquatch? Scramsquatch. Shrimp Squatch? Shrimp Squatch. Oh, Shrimp Squatch, dude. Sasquatch, but he's made out of... What? Scrimpsquatch? Scrimshaw. Scrimshaw. The ancient art of doodling onto ivory. Scrimshaw? Pascal Siakam.

Ooh, Pascal Siakam. Did you guys both stroke out? I missed that whole cover. I was looking at you, but I didn't know what was happening. Barry Garrison. Barry Garrison. And then they drink at the same time. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean and I are some reboot of the Matrix shit right now. You hear they're going to try to do that with Michael B. Jordan? Terrible idea. I'll see it. I'll see it again. Stop. I don't want to get into this right now. I've said it a hundred times. I'll say it again. Stop. I don't want to get into this right now.

I've said it a hundred times. I'll say it again. I don't think he's a very good actor. He's such a good actor. I don't think he's a very good actor. He's such a good actor. I think he's just handsome. If he had Nicolas Cage looks,

if he had Nicolas Cage looks, he'd be living under a bridge. He'd be teaching fucking improv if he looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman. His name? I swear to God. If he looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman, his name would be Scotty B. Pippin,

and that's fucking on God. I didn't even get it. I'm sitting here staring at the table like, I know that was a joke because everyone's laughing, but what did it mean? Oh, man. Luke B. Longley up in here, man. Oh, Scotty B. Pippin.

Scotty B. Pippin. You know what? Scotty B. Pippin. Scotty B. Pippin. Anyways, he's a bad actor. Who's our guest? Oh, you know him as... At Zach Toscani on Twitter.

Zach Toscani on Instagram. Yacht City. Well, count Zacula. What up? He took a shot downstairs, too. I did. B12, baby. This is ultra Zach. The first shot probably in. I did. B12, baby. This is ultra Zach.

The first shot probably in like five years. Man. Yeah, I ate a bunch of snap peas downstairs, so I'm also out of my zone. David thought they were edamame, so he was popping the peas out of these snap peas. That's not a crazy thing to think. That's not. Don't. You're going to.

In front of my friends. Andy had to tell him, yo, those are snap peas. You're throwing away the best part. So then I went back and I ate the husks like I'm not a monster. Oh, yeah. But now I'm just like

full of snap peas and Red Bull. Yeah. I don't know what's going to happen, what that means. So you've had all your greens then. Yeah, I've had all my greens for tonight. It's only browns going forward.

I'm off that snap pea. Browns and clearish browns. It's nothing but fucking whiskey and chorizo for the rest of the night. That was your improv group in college, right? Whiskey and chorizo? Yeah. Didn't make it very far off. Two-man comedy act, dude.

Whiskey and chorizo. It was too thick. It was too thick's earliest iteration.. Whiskey and chorizo. It was Too Thick. It was Too Thick's earliest iteration. Oh, Whiskey and Chorizo. That's before we streamlined and became the R&B band we are today. Yep, yep, yep. Too Thick. Too Thick.

David and I have an R&B group. I think it came on in today's episode, but I honestly have no idea. The last month has been a blur, dude. And not the band. Yeah, no. I have a town home in the valley, so I can't focus either. That's what's up. Let's pull a what's up. I have a town home in the valley, so I can't focus either. Let's pull a What's Up.

I'm a Lee C, Zach. Man, I can't wait to see the full refrigerator. Have you not been there since I got all the drinks? No, no, not since Costco. Oh, I got the drinks because of you. I was like, Zach's going to think it's so cool that I have three different kinds of Gatorade. Like, I really was in my head. I was like, I can't wait till Zach sees this. And I got that air fryer.

I'm just, I'm in there eating wings on my air fryer and drinking sparkling water naked. And it's like an incredible life. I could have done that at my old house. I just didn't know. Yeah. You're going to air fry one of your balls, dude. It's gonna happen. Can you air fry a nut?

What's a Rocky Mountain oyster? It's not a Rocky. San Fernando Valley oyster. Well, for you, it is, because you're from Elizabeth, so it is a Rocky Mountain oyster. It's a Rocky Mountain oyster. For me, it's a Cascade Range oyster. And for Sean, it's whatever mountain range is in North Dakota. You're from North Dakota?

Yeah. Get your fucking hand off me. It's called a lunch special. Let's see if I'm going to rip that off and fry it. Huh? Huh? What? No, you look good, though.

I'm blind as a bat. No, I'm blind as a bat. No, I'm from South Dakota, actually. It's called a Rushmore Oyster. I never heard that. No, I'm from South Dakota, actually. It's called a Rushmore Oyster. I never heard that. Yeah, born and raised. Goddamn Rushmore Oyster, I said. Zach, how are you?

I'm doing great. Nice. Man, I love San Francisco. Oh, yeah. This city's great. It's the best. It's a good walking city because it's so windy that you don't get sweaty. I was like, fuck yeah.

Yeah, straight up. It's so windy that you don't get sweaty. Yeah, exactly. It took me about three blocks to figure out how to get sweaty. I was like, fuck yeah. It's so windy that you don't get sweaty. Yeah, exactly. It took me about three blocks to figure out how to get sweaty. I'll find a way. I'll get sweaty under a rock. I went from

the Uber to here and I look like Scottie B. Pippen walking in. That's pouring sweat. This guy, you're pulling your shirt out. You feel it, man. Gray shirt. Gray shirt. Bold choice.

I respect it. I gave up on gray and white years ago. I'm a black man. Why are you laughing so hard, Sean? I've never noticed. I just look at your eyes all the time. And they're beautiful. I love you. I love you at your eyes all the time and they're beautiful I love you

I love you more what are we drafting? huh? wait we're drafting something? I keep skipping shit I'm sorry I'm too excited so I mess up all the bits

it's alright my name is Ian Carmel what up? at Ian Carmel on Twitter at Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Whole Foods app they made you get where you scan it to get the little discount on there.

Yeah. Jewish 365. Jewish 365. You should start Jewish TikTok. I got Jewish TikTok, yeah. You could put Dayenu over almost anything. I don't get it. Moshe, Moshe, I'm the Moshe, I'm the demon, I'm Moshe, I'm the demon, I'm Dayenu.

But it's like a little pony or whatever. You know what Jewish song I used to always love was, you know Hava Nagila, but the polyphonic ringtone? Like when it was on cell phones, it was like Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my shit, dude. I love it. I love that song.

It was like a midi version. Yeah. I went back and forth between that and Tradition, the polyphonic version. Just like that was all you, if you called Ian Carmel, that's all you got. That and then Axl F for like a three month period.

What was your, what was your ring back tone? Did you have one of those? Ring back tone? My aunt had one until like a year ago. I don't even know you could still do that shit.

You remember those though? What was it? You'd like call somebody and be like, look at this photograph. And you're like, how bad do I want to talk to Sean?

Evanescence is the worst one. David and I got into it pretty hard. and she'd just be like, how bad do I want to talk to Sean? Evanescence is the worst one. David and I got into it pretty hard. And she'd just be like, wake me up! Wake me up inside! I can't wake up! I'm just sitting there like, go wake Summer up so I can shut this shitty fucking song up and tell her she's late for Thanksgiving. Alright, I'm going to call 911 again. I don't know if this is a call for help.

Can I say I do kind of like Evanescence? Well, there was a story... Those songs, they're like big so they make you feel when you listen. When you listen to it, part of you is like, I can't wake up. You know? And I can punch buildings. Deep down, I can't wake up.

David and I got into it over that Nickelback song, Rockstar, the other day. We didn't get into it. We got into it a little bit. I mean, you got mad at me for stating a flat fact. It's not good. You're an asshole. Wait, you like it?

You like it too. You're just jaded by the internet. I've never been on the internet. What song is it? I'm sick of standing in line for clubs I'll never get in. It's like a something, something, something that you're never going to win. Baseball? I can spend my money for free.

Hey, I want to be a rock star. How you going to do it? It's a fun song. I'm not saying it's not fun. I'm not saying it's not catchy. I'll listen to it tonight and I'll weigh in, but I'm not sure I've heard it before in any meaningful way where it's lodged itself into my imagination or brain. Listen, that shit's good.

I don't care. It's good. It makes me feel good. If it makes me feel good, it's good to me. That's my scale. That's my scale for music. Get your fucking cheap heat off Nickelback like you do every show. The people's champ loves Nickelback.

Big Nickelback head. I know the two songs, but I know them well. Not even well, but I hum them. I rarely take the time to actually stream them, but they're in my mind. You got enough of it to clean the kitchen and hum them? Yeah, that's all I need. Yeah. Taking the trash out.

Might as well take out the trash. Exactly. That's what it is. That's what it is. We all just want to cook chicken wings. It's just like, I just need to put my skills into it. These gloves have taken control of these dirty dishes too many times before. This soap is...

All right. But you get it. You get it. You get me. That was tight. I like it. Now, it's that kind of podcast, first of all. It is that kind of podcast.

We are gathered here today in the great American Music Hall in beautiful San Francisco, part of the Bay Area that we love so well. 4-1-5. One of David Borey's ancestral haunts where the city you really came up in is the stand-up comedian. I was up in the city with no money. Yeah. And they let me do it. So it's, in my opinion,

the best city in the world, man. There's like no better place to be broke. I didn't pay for the bus or the train. I got hot stamps on food stamps. This is how big of a come up it's been for you we were taking an Uber from the airport and David was like man I'm taking an Uber from the airport

well because it's like cause it used to be I'd come home from the road and I had to save up that $9.75 or whatever it was to take the BART to Balboa Park cause you remember cause they hiked that shit. And you can't ever cheat Bart until my friend got a line on some red cards.

And then, so yeah, I was using red cards. You got a red card guy. Yeah. I'm not super proud of that part, but... Whatever, I'm here now. I've been on TV. We are gathered here today in the Great American Music Hall not just to recount tales of forgery gone by but to fantasy draft something

I believe it's Acula was it your idea? yeah yeah Count Acula Glensilvania dropped another banger we are going to be drafting today things you've never done but you're pretty sure you'd be really good at. Fantastic. It's a fun topic.

It tastes great and it'll get you there. It's going to be fun. Man, this is going to go weird. Yeah. These streets only go sideways. And I can't drive. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game

of rock paper scissors. I'm shooting up. What kind of draft is it? Well, we'll get to that in a minute. Hold on. Hold your horses. Stop doing that hand shit. Can you tell him to stop doing that? Dad? He only does it when we're doing the live ones

because he wants everybody to think he's like an athlete. Like, he's like, he doesn't do that in real life. If you want me to mediate all your little grievances, I'll marry both your moms, but until that date, until that date, all I can do is fucking try to move the podcast along, Until that date. Until that date. Hey, our daddy.

All I can do is fucking try to move the podcast along. I can't control this fucking maniac over here. Either way, I'm shooting up. I got this. I'm going to kill him. Get the fuck off of me. Watch out. Watch out, dude.

I fucking hate you. You told me you loved me. This is very Lance LeBron Steve. That was show business. I will move Zach in between you. Huh? Good, then I can taunt Zach. Huh?

I got heart. I got heart. I got heart. Let me shoot up. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Fuck. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Fuck. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Oh, Zach in the rams! The first time. Oh, no! That's the first time! What happened? It's the first time I won. Oh, is it really? Damn.

Hell yeah. Well, now we all have to leave. That batting average just went up significantly. Yeah. Went from zero to about 105. Nice. With that kind of batting average, you could be playing for whichever baseball team's doing worse.

The A's? The A's? The Giants? Yeah. We're in fucking... Yeah. We are plugged in. Zach! Having won the Game of Rock paper system...

Oh, baby. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's... I've never... Draft. The pressure you have never known before. No, no. Now, before you do it, I hope so, before you do, I should remind you it is a serpentine draft.

And what does that mean? That's a great question. That's a great question. So, I appreciate that. So let's say you're in the green room before the show and you pour yourself a heaping cup of coffee, right? Out of a bottle of Jameson. And you take a drink of the coffee from the Jameson bottle,

and then you look, and there's a big tray of provolone cheese. And you're like, man, that'd be kind of tight. Maybe I should stop drinking all this coffee from the Jameson bottle all night, chill out a little bit. There is a live show. So you're like, I'm going to eat some cheese.

And then you take a bite of the cheese. You're like, I like the coffee from the Jameson bottle a lot better. But before you go back to the coffee from the Jameson bottle, you take another bite of the provolone, because you're like, I gotta get, are they vegetables? I don't know what cheese is, so you gotta get that in there.

Then you take another drink of the coffee from the Jameson bottle. You're like, that's pretty good, but also I gotta clean it up a little bit. You've been eating vegetables all day, so you go back to the provolone. But before you do that, you take another drink of the coffee from the Jameson bottle. Then you go to the cheese, and just kind of go back and forth like that. another drink of the coffee from the Jameson bottle. Then you go to the cheese and just kind of go back and forth like that. Or it's like Lombard Street, which I've already used,

but that's the best way to describe it. Don't weigh it up now. Basically means basically. Basically. Oh, an adult's talking. Yeah, so basically. Basically, I'm thirsty. I'll tell you that. I don't like the dichotomy of this table.

Basically, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. With that in mind, what will the order of today's All Fantasy Everything draft be? I gotta be honest, part of me wants pure chaos. But I feel like for simplicity, we're just gonna go

right down the line. Ian, me, David, Sean wow hot, hot corner hot corner I don't think Big Ben your voice makes everything sound gross I was trying to sound like Ian

but I can't do it hot corner are you doing a me impression? hot, hot, hot corner wait a minute hot corner. Oh, wait a minute. Hot corner. I'm getting mixed reviews out there. Ladies and gentlemen, you're.

That was pretty funny. Laker girl. Laker girl. Wait, you were doing an impression of me? Let me hear it. I was trying. Hot corner. Oh, yeah.

It's better than most people. That's been about the closest he's ever gotten. He's a hard one to do. Wait, are you Jewish? Ian? Carmel? 100% bar mitzvah and everything. My microphone.

100% bar mitzvah and everything. Okay, I need one. 100% bar mitzvah and everything. My microphone. 100% Bar Mitzvah and everything. All right. I need one. 100% Bar Mitzvah and everything. Oh, it is a podcast. It is a podcast. Okay. Yeah, I am Jewish. Yes.

Yes. Cool. So, I'm first, huh? Yeah. That's been a long time since you've been first, huh? Fuck. Fuck. Shit.

Mid-90s. Okay. Jesus fucking fuck. Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I haven't gone first in like ever maybe? I don't know.

It's been like a long time. Yeah, when was the last time you went first? I don't know, man. I think like John Kreider was on that episode and neither one of you were. All right, I'll go first. Before I make my pick, though, because we are constantly chastised by one super producer from the one Toronto,

first of all, let's actually, big shout out to super producer Marissa back in Los Angeles. Make some noise! We love you, Marismmell She's the best Toronto And because she always wants us to take a short break We're going to take a short break

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That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code ALLFANTASY. Man, we're back! Alright. So tight. It's so tight. I always assumed people just got that bit.

What? Because you never know. I was like, yeah, they just know that we're coming right back. With the first pick in the things you've never done, but you're pretty sure you'd be really good at, all fantasy, everything draft. I cannot wait. I am going to take being an old Italian man.

You're not? You had me fooled this whole time. I got that shit in pocket. Do your De Niro face. Huh? Do the De Niro face. That's a good, what'd you say white linen pants white linen shirt oh yeah brown leather belt brown leather shoes sitting at a cafe drinking a red wine you know what i mean

out of a simple glass out of a simple not even a wine glass no no no no i was just a simple glass and then some women walk by and i will harmlessly flirt with them and they, you know, but like they're into it. It's like a thing we do. It's not an unwelcome flirtation. We know each other, you know, and then they flirt back with me, but like my penis hasn't worked since Mussolini was in office, so it doesn't matter. All I heard was Mussolini that's about all I got later on am I playing bocce ball with some other old Italian men yeah yeah

of course I am and then on the weekend am I steering a beautiful wooden boat yes there you are steering a beautiful wooden boat yeah like one of those truth about charlie boats oh like the gondolas no no no like a motor, like one of those Truth About Charlie boats. Oh, like the gondolas?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like a motorboat. Yeah, like a... No, like a wood... Like one of those wood motorboats. This is a coastal situation. No, of course. As soon as you said it, you turned to my head. Mediterranean, yeah.

Mediterranean. It's got a little flag on the back, you know? And then I'm in the kitchen later, and, like, I'll sing. Sometimes I sing. Oh, yeah. You're in the kitchen with, like, a tank top on. I'm in a tank top. Taco meat sing. Oh, yeah. You're in the kitchen with like a tank top on. I'm in a tank top, beautiful gold chain,

taco meat. Were you an old Italian man like a week ago? More rigatoni. What? In the kitchen with a tank top on and a gold chain. Were you an old Italian man

like a week ago? It was just a joke about living with you. I didn't hear. I can't. I can barely hear what you're saying. I apologize.

Go ahead. I apologize. Go right ahead. Sorry about that. It doesn't matter what I say. Just go right ahead. Yeah, I'm just in the kitchen. I got like some olive oil cooking,

you know, and I'm throwing shit in it. Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, Lordy. Whoa. You want me? How you say? Is there a book of tea in the razor clam?

And they're like, yeah, sure. Okay. You know. Oh, Lord. You know. Hola. Whoa. You want a bolo? Como se dice? Como se dice?

Red wine. Si. Okay. Whoa. That's like the whole fucking game, dude. I just feel like I could nail it. I am destined to be an old Italian man. It is. Yeah. Whoa. That's like the whole fucking game, dude. I just feel like I could nail it. I am destined to be an old Italian man. It is. Yeah.

Yeah. I have no... When you said it, I was like, I don't know. But then you painted that picture. Yeah, that's what you do anyways. Yeah! Oh, man. No! Oh, man. Yo!

Yo! You know? Yo, yeah, that was incredible. For everybody listening, it finally happened. Ian took his shirt off. Somebody actually for real did that. Now we can say, dude, put your shirt back on already. Oh, man. That was tight.

Yeah, that was... You do look like Chef Boyardee. Fucking Chef Manardee and shit. Chef Manardee. Shout out to Ralph Lauren for getting into the fat guy clothing game. We appreciate it. No, they are killing it. I got a hoodie shipped to my house en route now.

Born Ralph Lipschitz. Uden, member of the tribe. Is that true? Oh, yeah. I had no idea. I didn't know that. So, yeah, my first pick is just being, thank you so much, being an old Italian man. Right, that's fantastic. Count Zacula, you will one day be an old Italian man.

However, that's off the board for you. What is your first pick? Man, I was just about to say, can I live with you when you're in this stage? Oh, in this scenario, we're living together. Okay, perfect. Can I come over? Yeah! I have the condo down the street.

I bought it with all the money I made in my juice future. Make a pitch. What are you wearing on the average day? Orange. Yes. It's a shirt made of orange peels. Really pick your poison. I'm into fruit armor now. No shoes. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're in. You're fucking in. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Oh, yeah. We're playing bocce on the reg. Zach? Alright, first pick. Lot here. I'm gonna go with an ancillary member of a crime syndicate. Oh! Specifically a syndicate.

I hate to be a prick. I just took that. Boy, you guys sure are funny i'll tell you you're a consult i'm like i don't want to be the main i don't want to listen i'm not trying to get my head chopped off for anything i just want to be like the 12th guy like maybe the first guy they sway to the other side i just want to have a comfortable existence what's your daily like in this scenario i feel like I'm helping with the jewel thieves. Oh, alright. You're helping with the jewel thieves? Yeah, I'm not.

Oh, like you're the jewel thief producer. Like, you know when they go in that warehouse and they have it set up and they set everything up. Right, exactly. You rented the warehouse. You set up the rock. Exactly. I did the simplest thing,

and I just lay back. You're a Jewel Thief producer. And I went, yeah, exactly. I get that. You have a nickname, but it's pretty lazy, like one of those ones. Yeah. Your name's not like Mickey Boom Boom you know, Cagliotti. It's just like Zachy. He only shoots twice, you know.

You're just like, yeah, Zachy! Or like, the Tuscan, you know? Just Jerry. Just Jerry. Yeah, that's just Jerry. You don't need to know him. He's not really in the hierarchy. But yeah, and also a syndicate.

There's something about it that seems like that's, you know, it's a little bit more business. Yeah, I'd love to be a member of a syndicate. I'm going to be tight. I'll syndicate. It would be tight. All syndicate, everything. Now, we're painting you into an Italian mafia corner on account of your heritage. Sure. You know what's crazy? Huh?

I thought... Yakuza? No. I thought he was in with the Haitians. Whoa! You know how Henry Hill wasn't Italian? Zach's not Haitians. Whoa! You know how Henry Hill was Italian? Zach's not Haitian. Wow.

So he does stuff like the Haitians won't do. Yeah, exactly. The dirty jobs. Like renting a space. They're like, we just need a face on the application. I'm like, I'm here. You'll kill like Dominicans, which they won't do because of their shared island pride or something like that yeah yeah yeah right it's haiti in the

dominican republic yeah hispaniola yeah i mean i don't want to say david ortiz but david David Ortiz, but... David Ortiz. They turned on you. Listen, all I did was rent the place where it happened, okay? There's nothing... Oh, you motherfucker. It's because I know you well enough to know that this is right up your alley. Like, this is exactly what you would want to do. I'm the guy who never has any qualms.

I'm like, yeah, whatever you guys decide. I don't care. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I don't give a shit. As long as you get to work, you work alone, you're fine with it. Yeah, exactly. Like, all you care about is, like, the syndicate rec league basketball tournament. Oh, yeah.

Like, you're like, yeah, I'll sign the papers. I don't give a shit. Are you coming to practice, Jerry? we got best buy on thursday am i the only one taking this seriously those guys have a lot of aggression that would be fun because i would basically just trick them be like so i i probably need to train all year so i'll just kick back from the criminal stuff. Yeah. Still be affiliated. I'll come to the club and everything. You train all year anyways. I have no idea what for, but you're fit.

We're gonna beat you up. It's gonna be the two of us versus the two of you. That's what we've been training for. Please do it. No, no. You and me are gonna beat the two of them. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That got weird. You better not fucking blow this for me. You two versus us?

We're both in the gym. I'm a second degree black belt. 20 years ago. He can call upon his training. And I'm still good with nunchucks. You've seen it. We can go ahead and do the damn thing right now. I've seen the nunchuck.

We've got to start bringing nunchucks to our live shows. We should start bringing nunchucks on tour although I don't know if you can travel with those. But here's the thing. Can you bring nunchucks

on a plane? I don't. I'm not going to be the one to try. What if there is a level where you're so good they let you have them on the plane?

They're like, damn. They're like, oh, he's a second degree? Let him go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let him go, James. Wait, wait, wait. The scan picked up two black belts. Let him go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let him go, James. Wait, wait, wait. The scan picked up two black belts.

Let him through. Excuse me, sir. You scanned for two degrees of a black belt. That's why you walk through that thing is for them to scan degrees of black belts. A lot of people don't know that about the TSA. That's how they assign your seat. I want to see you on an airplane. You know the phones that you used to be able to pop out of the seat in front of you?

Just taking one of those, cutting it off, and tying it to another one, and then all of a sudden you go Oh my god, and that's how you take them down? Yeah, I mean that's exactly what would happen. Not only did I defeat the terrorists, but I ordered drinks for everyone. I don't open the bottles, I just kind of knock

it off with a phone, like a nunchuck style, just knock the lid off. Low level member of a crime syndicate. Yeah, yeah. I can see open the bottles. I just kind of knock it off with a phone, like a nunchuck style, just knock the lid off. Low-level member of a crime syndicate. Yeah, yeah. I can see it. Yeah. David Borey, time for your first pick. Okay, so I am going to paint a little bit of a picture.

It's like July. It's hot. You're in your car. It's sweaty. Traffic's taking forever. What's taking so long? You inch up towards the intersection. Oh shit, the lights fucked up. Who's in the middle of the intersection directing traffic, dawg? You gotta play like Hot Stuff by Donna Summer.

Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening. Looking for some hot stuff, baby, tonight. Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening. Looking for some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Yeah. Hot, hot, hot, hot Stuff Yeah, I think I could've directed the shit out of traffic

That's fucking It's crazy that that isn't part of your story Man Right? I got the gloves on Yeah, dude You got a whistle? She was clean white

Like, everybody's getting to where they're going on time, dog. You don't have to pay the babysitter extra. I got you. You're doing that. You got like, I got you. You've got that move where you're telling one person, then also being like, no, wait on. Oh, yeah.

You got it all. Oh, I'm dual-handing it. I'm dual-handing it for sure. You have the sunglasses that have, like, security cameras from all around the perimeter. I'm shining so bright. I'm shining so bright. I'm shining so bright in there. Damn.

Jesus, that was so much better than anything I've ever seen. That's fucking perfect. I thought about this. I think I would be really good at it. I could see you doing that. It's not even crazy. No, it's not at all. It's not even crazy to think.

You'd be famous on Instagram because everyone going through that intersection would be like that's the guy. Yeah, I'd be on Worldstar and it would just be me and it would be like flame, flame, flame. And it would just be me like fucking doing it to trap music. Just like to the baby songs.

You'd be like the only cop welcome at Pride. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I do it in short shorts when it's hot out. I wear short shorts. Fuck if you love these moves. I see this so clearly. You'd have like a rhythm to your whistle, but it would still legally make sense.

Yeah, yeah. That's the thing because it's a beautiful dance. And people are like, oh, yeah, actually, okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, actually okay yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I really think in a different life if I didn't hate cops so much

I would have nailed it that might be the best pick ever on this whole fucking show that's crazy that was only my first pick oh I took grape nuts for the cereal draft once actually so it's like top two, though.

I mean, it really shook me. It's up there in the top two. It's crazy. The mics aren't really picking it up, but the crowd is hooting and hollering. They love the grape nuts thing. Yeah, these mics suck. Everyone here is a big grape nuts fan.

They're going grape nuts for grape nuts, and everyone's excited about it. Ow, they're throwing it at the stage. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, people brought grape nuts. It hurts, but it. Ow, they're throwing it at the stage. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, people brought grape nuts? It hurts, but it's delicious and good for you? Sean? God damn it.

Could I have a double tequila soda? Can I also do the same thing? Two of those. Zach, what do you want? I'm good with a little hydrogen and oxygen. Water. Sean? I got good with a little hydrogen and oxygen water Sean?

I got a little more coffee here Sean's alright if it pleases the bartender two double tequilas and soda if not we'll go fuck ourselves we get it I'll also go up and get it if you can't come back

I'm not afraid of that I didn't mean that sarcastically we totally get it you're busy but I really meant it sincerely sometimes you get in a sarcastic hole where you're like no fuck I love you.

People think I'm angry all the time just because I have these prominent Jewish brows that ride low, you know? Oh, yeah, everybody's scared of a low-riding brow. I'm not angry right now, but... Sometimes I think about, like, oh, I should be more engaging with people and it always blows up. I was in like a cafe and the woman came up. She's like, how's everything? And I was like, first of all, you can drop your attitude.

Oh, yeah. And she was like, excuse me? And I was like, oh, fuck. You thought you were being... Oh, you thought it was like cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm so obviously joking, but she doesn't know me.

So how would she know that? You also don't... God, that was so gnarly. On approaching you..., on approaching you, you don't look like you're hilarious. Yeah. No, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you look at me, and you're just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. But you look at him, and you're like, damn, babies rock hard. So when, that's what I think.

So then when she came up to you and you're like none of your fucking business she was like you made a choice which was to look like you're good at tennis and you are and you are you are and you do that was so which by the way I think it's a treat to have you unfold and reveal

how hilarious you are you know oh yeah the layers of Zach Toscano but it does hinder your just off-the-bat moves. I agree. I'm very funny. I know.

Every crew needs a honk. And we have four. Crazy, huh? Look at that. Shane's not here. Four hunks. Oh, hell yeah. Look at that. Shane's not here. Four hunks. Oh, hell yeah. Look at that. Oh, thank you. You're my best friend.

Thank you very much. Hi, David. Thank you. Two limes, one for each of you. Two limes here, one for each of you. Yeah, I just did that. No, I did it better, though. We're going to have a Doc Holliday off any day of the week, my friend.

Sean, do it. I got two alarms here, one for each of you. Don't give me charity. For those of you listening at home, that was Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer cut a hole in the floor, crawled through it, said that line, and then just sort of super sand up through the fucking roof

he's over 9 000 he just came up like a little wind just like through the stage say on it's time for your first pick all right uh i think i'd be really good at naming those experimental pharmaceutical drugs like oh okay yo hit me with a couple. Zendelowitz. Zendelowitz? These are just names from Ian's people. I did Hebrew school, Zendelowitz. Hold on. Hold on, hold on.

I got it. Irving Zendelowitz. I went to school with Irving Zendelowitz, who is the son of Cy and Adele Zendelowitz. Zensifran. Oh, that's a good one, too. That's pretty good. Vardonix. Whoa.

What does that do? It helps with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. Oh. It's a big market. It's the new one. So you went ahead and... What did you kick out? Lipitor?

No, Lipitor could be a good one, though. Is Lipitor real? Yeah, Lipitor's already won. That's why I love you, because you don't even know the business. Yeah. You're just, you're coming in, he's an untested rookie,

he's never played basketball before, he's just athletic as fuck. What are you having trouble with? Like, what's going on? Uh, okay. I have... I don't want to say that out loud. I don't think...

I brush a lot, but I don't feel like my teeth get as white as they should. Say no more. Jim Beltone. You're going to want to take it twice a day. Twice daily Jim Beltone helps with moderate to severe bleeding of the gums. Man, you do have a gift.

I can see, yeah. I can see the commercial. I've got, like, my hand against a window and I'm looking out. Like, we're taking a selfie and you're not smiling? Twice Daily Jim Beltone may cause divorce, but take it anyways, dude. The three of us are skiing and Zach is in the lodge. I have a gunshot wound. What is the trip that we go on

that us three are skiing while Zach is in the lodge? That's called fucking this February. Yeah. Are we going to go skiing? All right. What? No, go ahead.

I have post-Lyme disease symptoms. Oh, that's all you got? What should I say? Yeah, yeah. Bondelshew. Post Lyme disease symptoms. Oh, that's all you got? What should I say? Yeah, yeah. Bundle shoe. Bundle shoe? It's with an X, though.

Bundle shoe. They all have to have an X. Oh, it's Chinese. Yeah, yeah. You got to get it imported. But it'll help. You want to take it once a week. You got to go to Vancouver to get it, huh?

Yeah, yeah. You can. You can get it here. You got to have Zach Vancouver to get it, huh? Yeah, yeah, you can. You can get it here. You got to have Zach hook up a warehouse, but you can get it here. It'd be funny if you had that job and you clearly went through a breakup and you're like, this one's called Samantha. Nicole!

And all it does is give you side effects. Is an awesome person, I'm sure. Side effects include throwing shit from a second store balcony. I got bocce elbow. You got bocce elbow? I've thrown too many bocce balls. What should I take? Bajoosel.

Bajoosel? Oh, Jew. I accidentally threw Jew in there. I get it. I didn't mean to. I was trying to throw bocce in there. I don't thinkuzel? Oh, Jew. I accidentally threw Jew in there. I get it. I didn't mean to. I was trying to throw Baji in there. I felt that way except you. Yeah, yeah.

I felt it pretty hard. Zendelowitz will cover that too. Bajuzel to you as well? Yeah. No, Zendelowitz will get you on that one too. Is that it? Yeah, yeah. And Vardonix?

Was that one of them? Vardonix, dude. Yeah, fuck yeah. That guy was in Naughty by Nature back in the day Irving and the Dells and then oh it's alright Shani it's time for your second pick

alright I don't want to get too heavy just yet Hebe Barry Derrison I think and I've never actually done this but I think I would be really good at like the done this, but I think I would be really good at like the hottest buffalo wing challenge. I think I'd be really good at that. Like the atomic, I think I could do that.

Like the two minute, 12 wings in two minutes. Never actually tried it, but I think I'd fucking crush it. We don't even get atomic when we get boneless wings. That's what I'm saying, but I think I could do it. You can't even handle the bones in wings. Listen, I want them spicy as fuck, but don't put any goddamn bones in it.

I mean, I don't just walk up to random people's tables and take them, if that's what you mean. Oh! Okay, okay, now we're bringing up old shit. We're bringing up old shit. I can't believe you did that It's that kind of podcast I think I could handle one of those, like, hey, get your picture on the wall type situations I've just never done it, but I think I fucking

All I'm saying is I've never even seen you elect for a spicy option I always get mango hob Like, every day we get wings, I get mango hob Well, he gets a third from the hottest Yeah, yeah, exactly The way you feel is right, friend I always get mango hob. Like, every day we get wings, I get mango hob. Well, he does. That's the third from the hottest. Yeah. It's the third from the hottest. The way you feel is right, friend.

But he also, you also eat tortillas with just hot sauce in it. I do. Yeah. Hot sauce isn't hot, though. But, like, multiple different kinds of hot sauce. It's top of teal. It's not fucking going to blow your doors off. It was called Harbinger. Dude, I put angel dust in it, so it's something different.

Shout out to Marshall's hot sauce. We do get sent some actual hot sauce. And it's delicious. And it's delish. It's delish-losh. Oh, yeah. I can see you doing it. Yeah, I think so.

I just never have tried it. It's one of those things that it's very easy to give a shot. I've never done it. I think I'd kill it. You know, he can't smoke weed, so he's got to find these other thrills. You know, that's true. You got to get your body to feel stuff. I'm an empty shell.

How hot? So how many times, we've been to Fire on the Mountain in Portland. There's a location in Denver as well. We've been there, ooh, 7,000 times. Yeah. And you've never done the El Jefe challenge. I want to. I really do because I think they'd finally give us

a shirt or something if we did it. I did a celery, like just a celery stick. I've done that too, yeah. It was worse than eating a whole habanero. Which we've all done, yeah. I've eaten a habanero. It ain't shit. Like, we did it on the Spicy News. It was nothing. Honestly.

No, I mean, this is exciting because, like, I'm never going to be a cop, but we could do this tomorrow. Like, there might be a habanero in this building, so I'm just saying. By the way, if nobody's seen it, which it predates what? Hot Ones is the big YouTube thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So before that, a group of people in Portland had this idea called Spicy News where they would have a bunch of comedians eat habanero peppers and then deliver, you know, an OK News monologue joke thing. Like weekend update kind of stuff. Yeah, and we would eat

habanero peppers and then do it and it fucking sucked. I ate two of them on the one year anniversary. We all did it. Watch Shane's. Shane's is fine. Because his hair starts getting His hair gets wet. His human skin flakes off and then you can You can see the little

Oh great! He laughed so hard that he wouldn't cry but he was laughing because it was so hot and he was almost crying. It's hilarious. Look it up. It's very funny. He's wearing a suit, but he looks like somebody like... He looks like someone like selling

stuff the day before a divorce so he can pocket the money. You know what I mean? Like he's trying to sell his car because otherwise his ex-wife gets it. He's got like that kind of energy. Buy Shane's album. He's a genius. his car because otherwise his ex-wife gets it. He's got like that kind of energy. Buy Shane's album.

He's a genius. I'm not talking shit about Shane. I think even Shane would agree. He's got, I got to sell this by the end of the day. Otherwise my wife gets that energy. You want to buy a hot tub? It's yours as long as you take it. You know what I mean?

Like that kind of thing. This Bowflex is priced to move. It's rusty, but that'll come right out. I got something for that flaky skin disorder. Zendelchun. That'll fix that right up. You got to take some Zendelchun. David Boyd, time for your second pick.

My second... Oh, yeah, this one. I've always thought this from... Even when I was a little boy. Preaching the word of the Lord. Whoa! That was definitely something I was a little boy, preaching the word of the Lord. Whoa! That was definitely something I was going to pick. I think I could bring so many people to Christ.

Like, because I'd start with, like, I'm just like you. I was down and out. I peed my pants on Valencia Street, you know? I get it. I was a sinner. I was found passed out in the back of the

38 bus. End of the line. I've left my underwear on the 8X. I'm just like you. This is a very San Francisco-specific sermon. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's where I found the Lord, brother.

It holds a place in my heart. I looked upon the sea lions barking up at me from Fisherman's Wharf, and one of them spoke in the tongue of the Lord. And I was awash in the love of my Savior. And that sea lion said to me, Jesus is the way and the life. And then I felt the word of fish. That might be my favorite occurrence of blasphemy ever.

You doing... I gotta learn voices if we're gonna keep doing these live shows. I can't even do it I can see you I think I would be really good I think I would be like a cool preacher What's the outfit? Okay, so that's crazy You would think it would be like a purple suit

And that's what I thought No, it's just khaki joggers Black velvet? Yeah That's what i drink in my off time we all still feel short oh my god glory of god that's after the sermon where you're staring in a mirror like maybe i'm god well that's the problem i mean i think it would be like i'd start because my fall from grace I'd be like Allen Iverson his last year

at the Nuggets where people would be like I took communion and Pastor David is drunk I saw David hammered at an Applebee's with 158 people and he was picking up the check

like that kind of Iverson shit I'm pretty sure he fought Deacon Matthews in the bathroom. But that's later. But in the beginning, I think I could. I've convinced people to do all kinds of crazy shit that didn't have any

positive outcome. I could bring them to the Lord. I could bring them to the Lord. I could bring them to the show. I completely agree that you could be a youth pastor type situation. No, I want to be a grown up pastor. All right. Well, they're all grown ups. I don't want to. I don't want to lead the youth. I don't care. That's the like the assistant's job. Yeah. I'm bringing hardcore like I want to go to the prisons. Like, I'm just like you, brother.

I've done math. Where is it? Give me some now. I'll prove it you brother I've done math where is it give me some now I'll prove it brother I like to sin you do it and you're like see doesn't matter at all where's more I'll do it all right now I'm just like you I just didn't get caught and then you flip them off

alright we're good either way yeah I think I could be a good pastor take the people to the Lord. Alright, fantastic. Zach Toscani. Boy, okay. I'm going to go with second pick. I'm going golf course designer.

I don't play golf. What the fuck is that? Whoa. I don't even think they're real. Whoa. Yeah. I always thought golf courses just designed themselves. You say stuff like that, and it reminds me that I so badly want to see the world however it is that you see the world. Golf course designer. Do you just see a field and you just like,

you just feel it in your heart? You're like, oh, par six. Yeah, I just. Is par six a thing? I don't know. I feel the grain and I go, nine would. Just off, about two degrees off center. Holy buckets.

All right. You know, you show up to San Luis Obispo and it's like, what are you giving me? So I can figure out what I need to give you, you know? And if you're wondering, yes, there are going to be bonkers holes. There's going to be one that's just a big sand trap. It's all sand.

The hole, of course. It's an 81 par. Just a hole in the middle of a beach and you're just like, there it is, bro. There's Tiger, go get it. Gentlemen, welcome to Desert Storm. I feel like with ideas like that,

we got to protect you to make sure they don't take you out of the game. I know. You're like the Malcolm X of golf courses. Oh, you don't think big golf has shown up at our door looking for Zach? It's happened a lot. Yeah, that's going to be a problem.

I heard about that sand trap. Yeah. I can't go back to Augusta. Man. He got secrets, can't leave, can't come. I have to have people taste Arnold Palmer's before I drink them. I mean, I'm happy to do it. Yeah.

Golf course designer. Golf course designer. It just seems fun. I always like playing like Zoo Tycoon. Yeah, fuck yeah. And so on and shit like that. That's the same thing. Yeah, but it's like I don't want to build a zoo.

You know, I'm not building prisons. I want... Oh, man, I like that. I think that they are sad too. Yeah, yeah. I just want a place where... Oh, it'll be like weed is okay. That's in the design.

The designer can just say that. It's a 420 friendly golf course. Exactly. There's in the design. The designer can just say that. It's a 420 friendly golf course. Exactly. There's shacks. The basketball player. Yes. Shacks. Are you going to have some windmills? I love it when golf courses have windmills. Yeah, we'll have windmills. That's mini golf.

I love it when golf courses... Oh, okay. No. No. That's not golf. That's not golf. If you cut me, do I not bleed? You never golfed in Holland! I haven't. You're right. I haven't. I was wrong. I didn't mean to do that. Where it's pronounced golf.

Golf. Van golf. Cut my ear off to design golf courses. Oh, mama. Here we are at work. You know, this is the best. That's wild. It's crazy that is the best. That's wild. It's crazy that everyone's here. What's up?

Give it up for yourselves. Man, I'm having a hard time. Golf course designer. I love it. All right. Time for my second and third picks. You're still in the hot quarters. As it is.

The serpentine. As it is, the serpentine. Fucking draft. Alline. Fucking draft. All right. Fucking draft. Fucking draft. I think one thing I could pull off really well is being an old Tommy record executive. Oh, yeah.

Like the guy at MCA Records who discovered R&B? I'm not saying I would sign people to the craven contracts that they did at Motown. I thought that's exactly what you were saying. But I would. I'm not saying I would, but yeah. I would. Okay. But I'm not saying it because that's part of it, you know what I mean? I feel like you would be good at old business.

Yeah. Like back when it wasn't about contracts, it was just about fat cigars and martinis. Gentlemen, you got yourself a unique sound that I ain't never heard before. By the way, have you ever had brandy before? You've never had brandy? You've never had brandy?

All of us sit down. Cheryl! Cheryl, bring that brandy in here. Gentlemen, I'm going to make you so big, you're going to be doing shows every single night. Some nights you're going to be doing two shows, all right? You ever heard of Huntsville, Alabama? No? Well, you're going to be playing there tomorrow night,

so pack your bags. Pack your bags, because you're going to be there. And I would bet, I would bet you'll have a gold record for every ring on my finger right now. That's 15 gold records. You're like Pat Riley, you just drop them on the table as sure as i smell like whiskey and a divorce the two of you are gonna be famous yeah that's good i could see that completely right you can see it yeah papers yeah i'm in

i got gold records all over my walls people hate me you know i don't really care though i'm a big wheel at the synagogue and it's all good that's a good life for you cool so it's inspired zero riffing where you going, bud? Sad? All right.

Got to work it out. Just let him do this. I'll get it. I feel it. I know. That's someone debating if they're going to sign with him or not. I feel like there needs to be like a cool running slope. I don't think we need commentary.

I think we need to just watch it happen. Bring him back to life, crowd. Bring him back to life, crowd. Bring him back to life, crowd. All right, I'm back. I'm back. All right. Yeah, it's a good-ass pick. Everybody loved it.

I feel like I could be an old-ass fucking record executive. I got a Cadillac, and I tell people not to fucking fuck the paint job up. Anyway, all right. It doesn't matter. Because the next thing I know that I've never done, but I would be amazing at, is be a high school football coach. Yes.

I wish you were my high school football coach. Low man wins, Borey. Yeah, man. And you'd tell me like, hey, I know you love the reefer. Me too. Yeah. You don't think Coach Carmel's blazing up

on the weekends? You're a fucking dumber man than I thought you were. But I know one thing, David Borey, when you line up across from Century High School, you're going to be

putting dicks in the dirt like your name's The Undertaker. I'll go to war for you, Coach. I know you didn't put up a thousand on the bench for the squat and the cleaning jerk just to come out here and get fucked up with some pansy ass. Man, I'm so excited.

Like, I'm trying to hold it in, but, like, I'm pumped. For God's sake, what I wouldn't give to switch bodies with you just for one more set of downs, my friend. Just to see the white knuckle of the guard lining up across from me so I could get right up in his jersey and send him back to his mom who'll take care of him because he ain't cut out for this game the way you are, son. Yo, I feel so good. Yeah. Coach Carmel. I feel so good.

Listen to me, Jordan. If you want to go bang Susie Rottenkroft right for the high school prom, you go ahead and be my fucking guest. But right now, I'm looking for football players. You got that in your DNA, Jordan? Coach Carmel, I think I broke my finger, though. Spit, rub some dirt on it, motherfucker. I broke each one of my fingers in 15 different ways,

and I can still solve a Rubik's Cube. All the concussion is Is God kissing your spirit One of these One of these So many of those tropes were so right yeah if i had a dollar for every football coach who said mary jane rotten crotch to me that must have been like a thing at football coach academy where they must have told them all to do it now that we've covered the cover two defense We're moving on to bringing up this fictional person named Susie Rotten Crutch.

It was the whole point was just to teach kids how to use their hips. He could have just said, use your hips. Yeah. Right. But then they're like, you want to use your hips like you're banging Susie Rotten Crutch. And I'd be like, I haven't had sex. That's why I'm doing this. Rotten crotch.

Some sort of fictional Vietnam era character who enticed young letterman with her dilapidated vagina. I have no idea. Yeah, you're having sex. They never explained why it was rotten necessarily. I don't know. They need to

explain it. Maybe it's just like a Dutch last name, and she's wonderful, you know? Oh, it's Routencroach. Routencroach. Oh, Routencroach. Sissy Routencroach. She's from Rotterdam. Yeah. Anyways.

Her family owns all those radish farms. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right, that was good. That's regionally correct. You're welcome. Oh, man. I just feel like a nailer.

I look good in a windbreaker. I got pretty good thighs for a fat guy. You got thick calves, too. I got thick calves, but no cankles. I have an actual ankle. That's a big football question. I look good in, like, a modern Air Max. You know what I mean?

And you're down to fight teeth. Like, a modern Air Max, shorts, and then a windbreaker that has like whatever the high school is and then the logo right here, and then a hat, and then I'm drunk at a local bar later that night. You come in with your family to buy a pizza. You see me drinking with two other coaches, and we just really try to hold it together.

Oh, Jordan, Jordan, what? Carbon up for tomorrow. Practice. Go horns. Oh, boy. Like that. I would do it. I think I would have been a better football player

if you would have been my coach. I don't. Maybe I wouldn't have done the goddamn splits. I want you to do the splits. I cannot. It's just like that day. If I could still do them. Hey, Sean, can you do the splits?

I'd love it. I would love it if this ended in me doing the splits. Trust me. I cannot do the splits. His leg just snapped it out. That woman shook her head in disgust. You guys are lucky it got that far. She looked at it and she said, no.

I can't believe I even gave that a shot. For a brief moment, you thought, I could do this. I know, I was like, the energy is going to be going, I can do it. I get it. Sometimes I get hyped up off the crowd, too. I'm like, yeah, I can. And then you're like, no. Like, nope, something popped.

So, nope, we just got to stop. More like a second-degree whack belt. Really, does anybody in this building get up here and do the splits? And I'll just give you the microphone for the rest of the show. Don't. I won't. I won't, really. People know how to do the splits.

It's not. What you don't know is Dominic Mosciano is a big fan of the podcast. Come on, Dominic. Love to get a Dominic Mosciano ref in whenever I can. Zach, time for your third pick. Third pick, I'm going regional manager at a Michael's. Oh, yeah. Not asking for a lot, you know. i just want some easy mornings i can talk to people about art they're weird i'm weird you know are you in the stores do you go from store to store oh yeah

regional manager yeah yeah i've got about six stores in my purview you got six stores in a camry yes yeah that they pay for yeah oh yeah oh michael's bought that camera yeah exactly it has a personalized plate says michael's five i'm the fifth fifth regional manager five we have two of the highest top 10 stores but uh anyway man you really know yourself zach i just like you i would totally go to a michael's and i'd be like oh man here are the styrofoam combs i want styrofoam balls i'm freaking out and then you would just come and call me down and say hey sir aisle four yeah don't even worry about it yeah don't even worry about it and guess what and the whole time i'm being so calm but there's like four cell phones going off on my bell.

Because you're a regional manager. Exactly. Shit, store six is on fire. You can try to beat me. Shit. Bemidji's calling you. Shakopee's calling you. Springfield's calling you.

Oh, you're telling me there's a glue gun recall? God damn it. For God's sake. They ran a taffeta at 265. I gotta go. Oh, shit. There's a stepmom convention and we're out of acrylic paint. For God's sake.

A stepmom convention? A stepmom convention? What a prick. You know, pottery was started by... Stepmom convention is on brassers, right? That's a brassers. Oh, yeah.

I got it bookmarked right now. If it's not, it's going to be. They're all my mom. Stepmom convention. Zach, why didn't you come to the party last night? I got trapped in a stepmom convention. I had to close out a stepmom convention.

Yeah, I can see you being a regional manager to Michaels. Just a bunch of When have you ever seen Michaels like super busy? It's always chill. Some people are saying yes. Always? Which store number are you going to? Don't let him know.

Don't let him know to tighten it up. Yeah. Show him this card. You'll be fine. Tell him you know Michael. They'll let you in. Zach's whole thing is active, never busy. And that's the beginning of every meeting.

You know? We're shooting for active, never busy. We want the store to feel like a beehive. All right? We're looking for an equal one-to-one ratio in and out. Okay? We need, listen, John Taffer told me this, we need a butt wedge. Never mind. Alright, that's a

bar rescue joke. I thought it was a fantastic pick. Yeah. David Boyd, tell me your third pick. I've heard you talk about it so much, I think I'd be really good at therapy. Like going to therapy. Oh Like going to therapy. Oh, going to therapy.

That would be... You can't kick us in the balls right after you uppercut us like that. Man. I think that I would be good at it. Go! You first visit? I'm just going to get high

and then go talk about how i feel about shit they pay me to do that yeah i'll be good at it i think i'd be great at going to therapy i think i'd learn some good tools yeah i think i'd become a better man they'd look at you maybe we're not supposed to say this david but you're actually my best patient. And I'm like, yeah. David. I know, Michelle. David. Why do you think you'd be good at therapy? Because I want it to be better. Yeah? Yeah.

You want to be better? I want to be better. Who do you want to be better for, you or other people? I worry other people, but deep down I know me. And what does being better mean to you? It means radiating the light I feel inside of myself out to other people.

Pretty good at that. See, you're throwing a lot of fancy words at me, but practically, what does it mean for you to be better? What does that every day... What does that mean for you to be better? I mean, I really think it means, like, I need to block out my negative thoughts and reinforce my positive thoughts because I know that I have good instincts.

But I just get blocked out by the world. You know, it's rough out here. I'm in a very negative business. That's interesting. Why do you think you magnify the negative voices in your head? I'm just I'm picturing a therapist actually. So to be like, that's interesting. Honestly, this is too much therapy for me right now.

Drunk at work. But, you is too much therapy for me right now. All right. Drunk at work, but you know, I think I could do it. I think I could do it. I think I could really make some breakthroughs. I will take another double tequila soda. Do you want another one? Yeah, I'll do it. Sean?

I'll have a shot of coffee from a Jameson bottle if you got one of those. Two double tequila sodas and one Jamesameson and again only if you're not busy yeah there's seriously no i can see you going to therapy and having a good time i uh not even i don't mean having a good time i mean doing the work no you have but that is a good time it feels so good i'm out of i don't mean to be like an evangelist who's been to therapy 15 total times who's like you gotta go to therapy but oh boy what a joy it is it really is wonderful your whole vibe seems cleaner since you've been doing it oh

yeah seriously i think it's wonderful i think if you have the means and it's unfortunate throw that caveat out there but like man it's really changed a lot of things whoa big therapy cut you off Scientology turned my mic off Scientology turned my fucking mic off doesn't want him talking the truth an industry of death I get it no but it is I don't want to go on to it too long but it is wonderful and if you find the right

person it can be very good for your mental and I just talk too much of course I went with my mom as a kid and then we stopped going because he was agreeing with me too much. I went as a kid during my parents' divorce and they were just like, color.

And then we'll figure out what that means. Oh, is that therapy? I've been in therapy, after school therapy all the time. They're like, draw your family. And I was like alright it's me And my little sister and my two older siblings And then Hitler

Hitler's there Solve it Just push it to her Fix me It's me and my siblings and Hitler Go ahead Dr. Leibowitz Fix me. It's me and my siblings and Hitler. Go ahead, Dr. Leibowitz. Shock me.

Oh, that's fucking rad. Sean, time for your third and fourth picks. Okay. For my third pick, I think I'd be really good at curating the lineup of a Sunday broadcasting of TNT. Oh, that's so good. Oh, you would be so good. Because if you pull out shit I wouldn't have even thought about, like Major League Two. Well, if they were like, here's Sunday.

Go bananas, you know? The joy it would bring me to walk into a curated Sunday by you not knowing what I was getting into. I would set an alarm. I would wake up at 7 just to see what that early movie you picked was. Probably something with Meg Ryan in it, you know? I can see. It could be, I mean, it might be Good Morning

Vietnam. It might be Sleepless in Seattle. Who knows? I think you're like it's Morning Glory with your fucking Rachel McAdams and watch it and I'd be like, I'm not gonna watch that and then I'm like halfway into it like, yo, alright, yeah. But then, it'd be funny if they let you cut it up so you're like,

at nine, it's just the Val Kilmer scenes from Tombstone. This is my fucking Sunday and I know what people want to see. And's valerie kilmer it's asoli and oh damn it aisles and asoli never mind yeah none of that yeah we're not we're not fucking with risoli and aisles uh yeah there's gonna be like top gun whoa oh wow thank you so much this is so much different than washington where they wouldn't let us bring coffee on stage.

Now that's decaf, right? Thank you so much. Thank you so much, seriously. And also, I'm going to hand it to everybody working, getting us all... Yeah! Tip them so fat. Getting us all drunk on a school day, by the way. Tip them super fat.

Like, tip them the most you've ever... Big tips. Big tips. San Francisco, I know you got it. We're not selling any merch or anything like that, so if you want to just show some love, show it to the people who work here. Big fat tips. Tipping is our merch. Tipping is our merch.

There's movies that I always want to see that just aren't, like Hitch. I always want to see Hitch. It's my favorite romantic comedy. I absolutely love Hitch. Especially on a Sunday romantic comedy. I absolutely love Hitch. We should fucking do, we should start doing this. Yeah. I might even,

I might even do it like twice in the same day. Like, hey, if you had shit, if you had to go get wings or whatever and you missed some of Hitch, it's on again at nine. Don't worry.

Oh, it'll, it'll tuck you in. You know I've never seen Hitch. You've never seen Hitch? I've interrupted you so many times. What were you going to say? I'm so sorry.

No, I was just imagining it plays like the first 30 minutes of Hitch and then you just put it back to the beginning. Like a podcast where you started reading an article and you're like, oh shit. Hitch on 1.5 speed.

Listen, if you just need Hitch in an hour, we're going to get you there. You know what's making it in every first Sunday of the month is Green Mile. That's definitely going in there for sure. Talk to me Green Mile. That's definitely going in there for sure. Talk to me. Okay. The Matrix is going in there for sure.

Listen, let's pretend I'm not going to be in Vegas on Sunday and I'm actually coming back to L.A. I'm going to be in L.A. on Sunday. So let's say I get into L.A. early on Sunday. I come into the house and you're in charge of programming. Walk me through the broadcast. What time are you getting up? It doesn't have to be like 5 a.m. Somehow I get back at 7 a.m. Okay. The original

Batman. That's waking you up. Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton Batman. Michael Keats? Alright. And this is all we're going off the dome. So that takes us from like 7 to 10. And then Wow, that's a lot of commercial interruptions. No, that's about right. It'sions. No, that's about right. It's a Turner Network.

That's about right. You know, well they gotta advertise You're not gonna have limited commercial interruption? Well, you gotta have time for those drugs that take care of your moderate to severe plaque psoriasis, things like that. Presented with expanded commercial interruption. So, 7 to 10, and then I think

at 10 o'clock, we're going to go Bull Durham. Oh! I think we're going Bull Durham. This is fun. I can just name my favorite movies and say a time slot, and you guys are like, fuck yeah, dude. So, I think, so Bull Durham, we're just going to say these are all three hours. So, Bull Durham

goes from, like, we'll say 10 to 1. And then, what do I want to do at 1? How am I feeling? How am I feeling at 1? Postmates showed up probably at about 11.15. Yeah, okay. I think at 1 we're going to do... We're going to get a little...

Oh, no. Let's do Beetlejuice. We'll do Beetlejuice at 1. Oh, this is... We're really digging Michael Keaton this Sunday. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say. Yeah, yeah. Huh? I to say. Yeah, yeah.

Huh? I was thinking like a Delroy Lindo marathon. Well, okay. All right, Zach gets what he wants. So 1 to 4 is Beetlejuice. At 4 o'clock on in 60 seconds, no big deal. Yeah. You definitely do that.

And then that's 4 to 7. From 7 to 11, Green Mile. That's what we're doing. And then from like 11 to 1 because the commercials are done is The Matrix we're going to go The Matrix, we're going to close it out with The Matrix and that's a pretty banging Sunday right there you don't like The Matrix?

you don't like The Matrix? man, I love The Matrix can I say why I still think it's a perfect pick? why? because we can just talk through it well that's kind of what the whole thing is you want something where you can just tune in. Let's say Zach falls

asleep on the wood floor like he does sometimes. Yeah, let's say. This fucking kid falls asleep on the hardwood floor just mummied. He'll bring a blanket out. What you guys don't know is there's Italian dirt underneath the house and if I lay over it...

And your fourth pick? Okay. My fourth pick. Okay. So. Baby, she calling me Hercules, but this age on my belt is still for Hermes. Sean, your fourth pick. So my fourth pick, I think I'd be really good at it.

And mine blew it so hard, So I think I'd be good at being a dad. I think that since... Is this the one where you said you were going to cry? I'm trying to make it through it. But I think I've always thought about it because mine, I think he would have made it through the other side. But I think he blew it. And I know that he would have felt bad. And I've always wanted to be a dad because I know that I would do everything that he was trying to do. You would be a phenomenal father. You'd be a great dad. You would be so good.

We all, everybody, all of us would be. No. No. No. No. Dog, I am. I would tell my baby I'm from hell. I am selfish.

No. I'm selfish. No, you're not The government would come and take my kids In the middle of a fucking video game marathon No, they wouldn't Yeah, and I got warrants You're one of the least selfish people I've ever met in my entire life Yeah, I'm generous, but you know

Not selfish in the slightest Well, thank you It's not about me, it's about you You would be a fantastic father I really think I would And who knows? Maybe I'll get to do that. I've talked about this before, but I think one of the most important qualities that a

father can impart upon their child, especially a male child, is that- Is that motherfucking money. Is get money, get money, get money. Sorry, my dad wasn't around. I don't know what I asked. I get money. I get money. I'm just teaching my kid that. Is that it's okay to be, it money, get money. Sorry, my dad wasn't around. I don't know how to act. I get money. I get money. I'm just teaching my kid that.

Is that it's okay to be, it's okay to feel, it's okay to be emotional and you are a very emotional person. And I mean that, no, I mean that in a good way. Right. You may like for the good,

like anytime something's wonderful, you say that this is wonderful. And if something's hard, you bring that up too. Yeah, you tell people you love them all the time. You're like open and affectionate you would be a great dad

you've never forgotten me at a Target yo he's never forgotten ever he's always like oh where's Zach true story my parents have forgotten me way more places than you have

like 20 more places I you have. Like 20 more places. I got left at a basketball practice once and I had to walk home. Part of that walk home involved me walking onto a TriMet bus and being like, can I use your phone? And they're like, we're a bus. And I'm like, good point. Don't you have a bus phone? I thought they did.

Patch me through. Yeah, being a dad. Don't you have a bus phone? I thought they did. They did. Patch me through. Yeah. Yeah, being a dad. That's funny. Sue Carmel's going to be fucking... By the way, Sue Carmel forgot me one time ever. And then I just brought it up, so she's going to be like, oh, you motherfucker. I forgot.

I got forgot a million times. You would be such a good dad. I don't like that your pic made me so emotional. Yeah. Like, that's where I'm like, fuck you, dude. It's too bad you jizz hot sauce instead of jizz, so you can't be a father. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Did you hear that? It was tight. It's too bad you jizz hot sauce instead of jizz, so you can't be a father. This is my atomic child. I'm just going to have a hot little Michael B. Jordan flame boy type baby.

You want to have a hot boy? I don't know if you know... He was Johnny Flame in Fantastic Four, right? Wasn't he? Yeah, so it was a fucking good joke. So, anyway. That's where that was. What's funny is being a dad wasn't on my list, but being a stay-at-home dad was. I bet it was a fucking good joke. So, anyway. That's where that was. What's funny is, like, being a dad wasn't on my list,

but being a stay-at-home dad was. I bet it was. You can still pick it, you piece of shit. Like, I'm not trying to go anywhere. I'll just let the door open. They'll come back. I'd be a stepdad too. I'd throw a chicken out on the lawn.

They know where to get fed. Yeah, I'd be a dad. I really would. I think I'd be good at it. Oh, man. David. David. David. I'm so bummed you picked that because my next pick is the opposite of that.

It's time for your fourth pick. This is the order that I have it in, so I have to pick it. It's such a bad one now that you did that. Oh, no. But I'm going to pick it. My friend such a bad one now that you did that. Oh, no! But I'm going to pick it. My friend used to edit gay pornography. That's not...

There's more to this story. My friend used to edit gay pornography. He lived in Sebastopol. And he would always... Okay. And he would always tell me, he'd be like, the crazy thing about gay pornography is a lot of these guys aren't gay and i'd be like how do you get these guys who aren't gay to do gay pornography

and he's like well our main guys are like super bros so they're like monster trucks i'm fucking shredded bro i love my family and i love the pump and they would just be working out at gyms and guys would be like oh you're cool guys and they're like come on and hang out with pump. And they would just be working out at gyms and then guys would be like, oh, you're cool guys. And they're like, come on and hang out with me, bro. And they'd have them come in their cool truck and they'd slam energy drinks

and go to fucking music shows. And then these young guys would be like, how do you get all this money? And they'd be like, come over to my work tomorrow. I'll show you how to do it. And then they'd come over to their work and they'd be like,

okay, we're going to go fuck real quick. No big deal. And then that's come over to their work and they'd be like, okay, we're gonna go fuck real quick, no big deal. And then that's how they would bring people into the fold. And I think I could recruit guys to do gay porn. And I understand it's not as important as being a father. But we all need our role to play.

I don't know. I mean, like, there's plenty of people on Earth, you know? There's a lot of different... You know what's funny is you can... I was almost crying three minutes ago. That's the weirdest part. You could do this and the preacher thing at the same time. Oh, yeah. One hand feeds the other. the weirdest part. You could do this and the preacher thing at the same time.

Oh, yeah. One hand feeds the other. One hand feeds the chickens, if you know what I'm talking about. Yuck, yuck. Yeah, I think that I could do that. I think you could do it. Like this guy told me and I was like, word? I think I could do it. Word?

It's like the worst thing after that father pic. I know. I know. I didn't want it to shake out like this. Don't look at me like that, Ian. Some of the guys loved it. What? They bought new trucks. They went to college.

I thought it was an inspired pic. I'm creating jobs. Don't look at me like that. I just think There it is. Some shine on that. And jobs. Well done. Member of the crowd. What's your name? So you have like a lifted Ford

F-350? Yeah, well I have a F-150 Raptor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the Raptor version? I got an Avalanche, bro. It's different. That's a Chevy. What's your energy drink? Because you're just a professional, cool, charismatic buff guy.

I don't know. I think it's for the greater good. It's all a spectrum, you know what I mean? And this one. Hard bros should be kissing dicks. Yeah, exactly. Because a lot of times that's what they want to do anyways. So I let you be free.

I was like, hey, bro, I'm just like you and I kiss dongs. And I'm cool. Like, I think it's like, I don't think it's a... I just saw it. I was like, I could do that. Like, if I could sell weed, I could do that. Like, I don't know, man. I could sell weed? This pic went strange.

You want me to move it along? I'm not against it or anything. That's my truth. But yeah, I think I could be good at that. All right. I'm moving along. Zach! All right.

I'm going to go also in a wildly different direction. I would be a crow person. What did you just say to me? You'd what? A person who just like always has a crew of crows with him. Like a bird person, but specifically only crows. What? Okay, there's a reason behind it. Hold on.

There's a reason. And the reason is crows. And the reason is crows. Crows will remember who you are, so if you keep feeding them, they will bring you shiny stuff. And there are stories about people, crows bringing them engagement rings.

I still don't know what you said. Crows. You said you'd feed crows? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, hi, hi. Crows. Yeah, they can mimic your voice. If you just, man, if you fed a ton, I wouldn't have to work.

I could just have crows bringing me gold and jewelry and bullion. Bullion? Like the soup cubes? Soup cubes? Or the pirate style? Shiny bullion. You. This is what I mean when I'm like, nobody knows what the fuck's going on in there.

A crow person, also, that is not a term. It's not. It's not a term. Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. Zach is from that star Betelgeuse that's outside of our galaxy. You know what's wild is we had a pretty in-depth

crow discussion on a podcast that will come out before this one yeah but that has not yet aired so like we're in our crow phase for sure oh yeah we did talk about I'm not I think this shit is crazy what you're telling me you're like oh man I'm I don't know how I'm gonna pay rent and then it just a crow shows up with two engagement rings I'm back on top. I'm saying I've never... I'm saying I've never met another person who is a crow person. First of its kind. Okay.

I'm forced to... You guys need to crow up. Believe me. All right. A crow. Silver. Crows are in the silver game. Did you know that? All right. A crow. Silver. Crows are in the silver game.

Did you know that? Oh, I'm out. I had to liquidate my assets. Had to buy an air fryer. You've been cooking them in silver? You told me you stole that air fryer. What's up? Don't worry about what I'm doing.

I'm not worried about it. Dude. I mean, okay, Zach. For the sake of time and whatnot, I'm not gonna... Yeah, man, you could be a crow guy. Yeah. I'm like two degrees away. Yeah. I've got the bread. I know where the crows are. If everyone's got the bread...

David's whole attitude is the kind of guy who gets taken advantage of by crows, so don't even worry about him. Why do you think I'm in San Francisco? They love sourdough, okay? I'm giving them premium shit. He's a crow mark, dude. From way back. You're not. I'm sorry

I said that. Yeah, that hurt my feelings. I take it back immediately. It's okay. You're not at all. If anything, you're a raven master. Time for my fourth and fifth picks my fourth my fourth pick is going to be a brief pick oh really i know that i'm picking it almost on purpose for it to not be a long discussion okay but i think I could pull off a hat. A what?

And I don't mean this kind of hat. Oh, like a Stetson? I mean like a fucking Stetson, like a hat. Whoa. Like some Bruce Arian shit. You could. I was in New York recently sitting at a meal with Shane Torres. And the entire time,

I was trying to convince him to become a hat guy. I even said, let's go to Barney's right now. I'll buy you a hat. He didn't take you up on it? I couldn't talk him into it. Man, he'd be a good hat guy. But I think, oh, great. Oh, great.

Oh, cool. You don't even think I'd look good in a hat. You're this, you fucking prick. But I think even think I'd look good in a hat. You're this... You fucking prick. But I think, and I've never done it, I could pull off a hat. I mean, I've seen you do Bucket, and I've seen you do Bill.

Yeah. I'm talking about Bill 365. Like one of those? Bill every day. The whole way around. Yeah. And listen, I took... Why haven't you? Why haven't you given it a shot? Why haven't I done every day. The whole way around. Yeah. And listen, I took it. Why haven't you?

Why haven't you given it a shot? Why haven't I done it? Budgetary reasons. You'd have to carry around like a hard shell case so it doesn't get dented. Yeah, right? Exactly. I'm on the road a lot. Here's my hat.

Just way too loud on the airplane. Where's my fucking hat go? Yeah. All right. Yeah. I want that. Yeah. Oh oh can i handle the emergency row you tell me i think i can pull off anyway did i take that partly because it would only take up 45 seconds

yes but i also firmly believe that could be a hat guy. My final pick. There's some good ones. As it is. As it is. As it is. Right around the corner. Laker girls. Ladies and gentlemen, your Laker girls. Laker girls isn't even the gross one.

You haven't done the gross one. No, I'm not going to do it. Wait, what's the other gross one? I can do an impression. Oh, the, yeah, all right. Well, it's, hey Marissa, it's going to happen in like three, two, one. Yeah. It is so, it's so fucking gross sounding.

I listened to it. I heard it one time in my own ears, and I was like, talk. Yeah, I can't be happy. Put Marissa through that? My final pick is not a thing I think I could do now, but I think if I went back in time, I could have pulled it off.

I think I could have been a white rapper you could have been I still think you could okay this is weird I think about this because I'm like this is going well what if we decided to maybe a lot of 33 year old white dudes getting into the rap game make it.

I'm 34. And that's what they've got going for you. You're on the album with your arms crossed and the title is Things to Say. Here are some things to say. Grocery stores, walking your dog, wearing shoes, buying a log log to burn in a fire. Your house is warm. Oh my gosh, there's a swarm of bumblebees coming down your chimney,

they're stabbing you to death with the stingers. Oh my God, now you're dead. There's a ghost. It's your ghost. Your ghost is haunting your mailman's vacation home. How'd he get a vacation home? He sells heroin to the people on his route. Listen, man. I'm pretty good. Pretty good rapper. I support all types of zany

antics and rap music. I think that you got something, man. Sign this kid. I think if I was like 19 and I was like, let's do it. Let's be a rapper. You know, I'm very clever. I'm pretty funny.

I'm industrious. I think I could have made it happen. Yeah, you got to get up and go to do it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't disagree one bit. I, again, to finish what I was saying. Sean thinks you're a rapper right now. Yeah, I don't disagree one bit. Again, to finish what I was saying. Sean thinks you're a rapper right now. Yeah, exactly.

I think that if it was just where you were like, you know what, I'm going to cut a fucking album, see what time it is. I think it'd be all right. If I did an album? Yes, you can beatbox. I've heard you actually rap. I think it's great.

I think you could probably make beats if you sat and tried for a few months. I think it could work. I really do. You can tell I'm being dead serious. As much as I love that, I feel like Sean is doing a huge disrespect to the people who make incredible beats. I love you so much. I don't think you could just go in for two months and then come out with great beats.

That's some wild shit. That's super disrespectful. I'm not saying it's gonna be in a main. I'm saying it's gonna be it'll be a beat. It'll be a decent beat. I'm not saying it's gonna be like dirt off your shoulders or anything, you know what I mean? But it's gonna be I'll make a beat right now. I'll make a fucking beat right now, alright? Uh oh.

La da da da da da da da da da da da da la da da La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- You became the light on the dark side of me Did you know that when it snows Your eyes become white And the light that you shine can't be seen Baby I got a kiss from a rose on the grave

Ooh, the more I get of you The stranger it feels, yeah Now that your rose is in bloom The light hits the room on the grave That was a pretty good beat. I hate that you know how much I love the Irish seal bit. I always love an Irish seal bit. We're going to do it every live show.

Anyway, that wraps my draft up. Zach, your final pick? Boy, it's really hard to come back from Crow Person. Yeah, I thought that was a wild fourth pick. Yeah, I really should have taken it first. I really wanted it. Yeah, you should have put your nuts on the table in the beginning. Exactly.

You know, I'm going to go five. I'm going to be like, it would be fun to be a cowboy. Oh! Like old-timey, like Tombstone, where it's just like, I mean, that's basically like you're a comic. Here's my thing. Here's my reason I don't think you would like being a cowboy. David's thought about this.

Let's hear him out. I have. David's about to break your jaw with it. I've known a few cowboys. They're not like... But like not now. You're a silly man. Like we have silly fun.

Yeah. Cowboys aren't like silly. Yeah. They just work. Like that's all cowboys. They just work. Like I'm out there and I'm like, you ever think about how Triscuits kind of taste like tasty hay?

Exactly. And they're like, we have to get this head of cattle up real good. You don't think there's room for silly cowboys? There's room for silly cowboys. Y'all ever seen this? I mean, you could

be 2,000 miles from anywhere, and then you bust this thing out right there, and then it's like... Now, wait a minute. Now, hold on just a dang minute. What's that out right there. Now wait a minute. Now hold on just a dang minute. What's that doing right there? I don't remember

ever seeing that before. I reckon that must be some kind of witchcraft. No, it's not. It's a lot of hair. I just want to eat beans over an open flame, you know? I think that's what you want to be as a hobo. With all my... You might be right.

Yeah, no, I know. A lot of it. Dude, I know you. You want to be free. I am mad. And you want to eat outside. You want to be a hobo. Oh, man.

You don't want to be a cowboy, do you? I want to be a hobo, baby. When my beans are hot and my bindle swaying. With the fingerless gloves and the pot of beans boiling. Pot of beans boiling, dude. Is my buddy pot of beans boiling? Whoa, This is my buddy, Pot of Beans Boiling. Whoa, that's my crime syndicate name. Pot of Beans Boiling?

Oh, shit. That's hilarious. David? Cover your final pick. Oh, mine make me seem like a bad person. David! I'm a good guy, but I feel like had I been blessed with the skills to play great basketball, and I went to not a Division I, not a Division II, but an NAIA school, but maybe somewhere

up in New Jersey. Like Southern Oregon University? No, somewhere up in New Jersey type of situation. Oh, NIT or something like that? I think I could have been great at point shading. I think you are great at point shading. I think I really could have done it without compromising the integrity of my program. I think that, like, I don't think anybody would have known.

But, yeah, we're going to cover the spread off of the weak sisters of the poor state or whatever team. I think I could have done it. You're not going to cover the spread. Or not going to cover the spread. But you win. You win, you just don't cover the spread. You're favored by six and a half over, I don't know, let's say East Lansing

Technical Institute. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. That's what the mariachi call it. There's two minutes left, you're up 11, and all of a sudden you're like, time to throw some errant passes. Yeah, I think I could have been... Bounce pass to the other dude.

Because it's just like directing traffic where it's like a control of the flow of the situation. And I think if I was like nice enough physically with basketball, I think I could, yeah, I think I could point you. You're directing traffic. Yeah, I'm directing traffic. It's the same as my first pick. I love it.

You just turn around and shoot on your own hoop, and you're like, oh, damn, I forgot. Oh, no. You know, I smoke weed. Sean. Yeah. Time for your final pick Bobby

I think that I would be and I would still like to do this almost as a job I think I'd be a really good long haul trucker you would still

do you realize that this is our job yeah barely you would still you would rather do the truck driving than this

by the way I think. You can't drive drunk, you know that. Trucks are otherwise. It's my pick, and I can pick whatever I want. A drunk long haul trucker. Yeah, truckers never drive drunk. Old Sean Jordan fucking hopped up on some GoFast.

Yeah, dude, got that GoFast. Speeding from des moines you like talking to people too much i can't imagine you'd want to be the cvs for playboy what are you talking about i'm gonna call the cvs for emergency use as well yeah where's where's candy cane is what i'm asking rusty nail that's the emergency all right here you plucking big chicken. This is the buck starts here, 69. Coating hot to San Antonio. Hey, will you do me a solid? Will you do the goat thing?

I see an empty water bottle right there. This is fun. You guys heard this? What is this? Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I like that we pull out all the party tricks. Yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah. We were at a stand-up show one time, and you... We're going to be live. The show is like you're supposed to get up and do a bit you've never done, and Ian just got up and he's like, I can do this goat noise, and it was the most laughter anybody got on any of the fucking bits. You remember that, a bridge show? A Ron show? I was on Molly.

Wait, is that the street drug known as Molly? The street drug known as Molly. Hey! Wait, is that the street drug known as Molly? The street drug known as Molly. I can only do one impression. Go on. It's Miss Piggy doing karate. Okay. Pretty good. Pretty fucking good.

David? No, I'm not a voice guy. You got nothing. I can try to do Shaggy. Give a little bit of this. A little bit of that. Let them know. Shaggy. Ooh. They call me Mr. Lover. Lover. Ooh. They call me

Mr. Boombastic. Really fantastic. With an in the box. She says I'm Mr. Romantic. Girl, you're my shorty. You're my angel. You got to get into that one next. It wasn't me.

David, you got no impressions? Man, I don't... I like my voice. What? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you do a pretty good version of that. The Daily Show is brought to you by Trojan condoms

It almost feels like real sex Cause if the whole country is fucked You might as well be too You got it right You should have put Condom jingle man I do some condom jingle man

a small amount of TV writing 70 hours a week dude the late late show yeah carpool karaoke. Artistic integrity. What up? All right. Fucking shout out to my crosswalk musical heads. That about wraps up the wrap. Yeah, we did it.

We did it. For God's sake. Things you've never done, but you're pretty sure you'd be amazing at I went first and I took being an old Italian man being an old school record executive being a high school football coach wearing a hat

and then being a white rapper. Zach, you went second. You took being the ancillary member of a crime syndicate. First, designing golf courses, being the regional manager of a Michaels, being a crow person being a crow person

being a cowboy David Boyer you went third you took being a traffic cop and then preaching the word of the Lord and then going to therapy, which negates your next two picks, being a gay porn recruiter and point shaving at an NAI.

This feels like one man's story. I stand behind every pick. It does feel like you just... I stand behind every pick. That feels like a 30 for 30. Yeah. What if I told you one man could go from the traffic cop lanes of Elizabeth, Colorado to shaving points at Youngstown State University?

Yeah. Sean Patrick Jordan. Yes, sir. SPJ. You went last and you took naming those drugs you see on commercials and then completing a hottest buffalo wing challenge and then curating a TNT Sunday lineup. Fatherhood. And then being a long haul trucker.

Another way to say fatherhood. Yeah. I brought you back a keepsake from every state I hit along the way. I got you a shot glass I'm going to use from every state. I got you a whole case of yellow jackets. Now, we left a lot of good stuff on the board. Assassin, Fry Cook, lawyer. Price is right contest board. Assassin. Fry Cook. Lawyer. Price is Right contestant.

What? Price is Right contestant. Jeopardy contestant. No, that'd be you. I would be a terrible Jeopardy contestant. I'd be so good at it. Naming car models. Let me get you in a Hyundai Cabernet.

I want a Cabernet. Yeah, I made it up. I wanted to be a lounge singer, but in Reno. Oh, yeah. Oh, I had designing I had designing I made to the buffet Let me swing

amongst the buffet Show me what the spring is like in the buffet In other words Show me what the spring is like in the buffet In other words, visit the buffet Exactly, walking through the crowd touching people's hair. Yeah.

Because I'm heavily medicated at that point. I don't know if it's like people in the audience or just pillows and chairs. In other words... It's up to you. Buffet, buffet. All right. I'm in a K-hole.

I'm on so many benzos that I don't know where I begin. I left my quaaludes in San Francisco. I can see it. This is something I want to do just for real.

I think I could be an announcer for a skateboard contest. Yeah, you could! I think that should be my job. It's wild that it's not. How is that not your first pick? Well, I don't know. I didn't think it would hit. It's insane that you're not. You know more about skateboarding

than anyone I've ever met. And I've met everybody. Yeah. Man, this is sick. That's what most of the broadcast would be if you were a skater. You're like, anyway, it is just nice to be here, frankly. Like, even the camera just pans towards the sky and away from the competition.

We want to thank all of you for coming out to this live. All parents and everything. Thank you so much. We've never done this. This is like a... San Francisco, we couldn't have hoped for a fucking cooler show. You guys were so amazing. Thank you so much.

We're going to be, the four of us, wherever they put us, but we will come out. We're going to say hello to everyone. So whether that's outside or in here, wherever the venue's cool with, we will be there to say hello to you. For sure, I got it. Get a go pee quick, but then right up there.

We're going to pee for sure. I have to pee. I have so much tequila in my body right now. I have so much tequila in me. What am I, George Clooney's private plane? I don't understand. He owns a tequila company. Yeah, yeah.

And I imagine he has a lot of his brand tequila on that plane. You know why he does that? He buys satellites. Listen, Zach, the lights are up. We'll talk about it after. Thank you so much for coming. Shout out to everyone who showed up tonight. Shout out to everyone in All Fantasy Everything Patreon.

Shout out to everybody on the AFV subreddit. We love you. Thank you so much for fucking with us. Shout out to everybody on the AFV subreddit. We love you. Thank you so much for fucking with us. Shout out to super producer Marissa. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to St. Kelly Jordan. Shout out, David. What?

Do you want to shout your mom out, David? Shout out, mommy. I see you soon. Yo, Zachary. Shout out, Mary Toscani. Shout out to Mary Toscani. Keep rolling them blunts. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out Mary Toscani. Shout out to Mary Toscani. Shout out to Frankie Ocean.

Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to fucking Bagels and Haji Beats. Shout out to the Embarcadero District Justin Herman Plaza. Shout out to Third Normie. Shout out to Hubba Hideout. Shout out to Mini Hubba. Shout out to

Deluxe as a staff record label and as a motherfucking crew. Shout out to PDXba. Shout out to Deluxe as a staff record label and as a motherfucking crew. Shout out to PDX Brochure Light. Shout out to San Francisco and the entire Bay Area. And more. Shout out to Connor Marshall and Keith Darnay in Asia up there. Sorry, my friends are here. More important than all of this, shout out to you, bro.

Shout out to you, bro. You, bro. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode. All-in-one Saturday. Shaglaggity! that was a hate gun podcast