All Fantasy Everything - Time Wasters (w/ Shane Torres, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

Stop wasting time reading this and start wasting time listening!!   New York! March 18th come see Shane tape his hour-long special. Tickets: bit.ly/STNYspecial   Episode Guest: Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @shanetorres Podcast: No Accounting for Taste   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting Time Wasters. Our guest today is a comedian and host of the podcast, No Accounting for Taste. You can see him tape his first hour-long special,

March 18th, in Brooklyn, new york we'll hear more on that later we're joined by enemy of the podcast that's a choice marissa made there shane torres i'm your host ian carmel and joining me as always are my friends and comedians john jordan and david borey. Roll the zonk. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that has had three drinks already. I mean, if you want to call a double one drink, then yeah, I've had three drinks. I don't know if that's the rule.

Wait, so you've had six drinks? You just told us you have three drinks. I said I had three double Jamos. Oh my God, so you're six drinks deep. Yeah, in the last like half hour probably. Wow. I don't think it's going to hit for a minute. I think it'll hit at some for a minute. Keep an eye. I think it'll hit at some point.

Keep an eye on Charjo. You know these things go like two hours, right? I can't today. I have a show at 7. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah. It was just the scariest drive I've ever been a part of.

The last three days were the scariest drives I've ever been on in my whole life. And so I really was tense when I got to the hotel. I was so not like. Were you ever. So you had a driver, right? There was somebody driving you around. Dude, Zeb. And Zeb killed it.

He was great. Now, let me let me ask you a question. As someone who considers himself a top one percent of unprofessional drivers, were you tempted to hop behind the wheel at any point? That's a good question. I brought it up. Right. I asked him. I offered it a couple of times couple times and i was like you've had six drinks i wish

to god that you were in the car with me today because you would have been scared out of your fucking mind i was doing an amazing job yeah i know yeah why would you wish that i just had a loaded gun i was just doing crazy stuff the whole time no i just i was very proud of myself it's never been more true than it was on the way from fargo to sioux falls today i was definitely in the pocket and it was scary dude i one time i had to drive from fargo there was this dude that came a semi came flying up behind me so what happened is one of the one of the lanes on the interstate was completely covered in ice and one of them wasn't and the rental car they gave me was a dodge charger which is not equipped for this shit sick car though if i was trying to get laid if i was trying to get laid the whole way down sean jordan and a hellcat who

you trying to get laid by an adora dodge charger chicks dude it's kind of like marines yeah kind of lady like a lady wearing a monster energy during motocross hat stop by the fair and see clean up real 55 year old that runs a cell phone kiosk at a mall there you go barb barb's out here barb barbs need love too yeah that's they do that's fair yeah this dude he came up and he couldn't slow down so i had to like veer over into the ice lane and it took it fishtailed me and i was going still was going like 50 probably so fish tailed me onto the shoulder and then after the shoulder was like the ditch with all the heavy snow because it just snowed like five feet so my back right tire hit that i was so scared i wasn't even saying anything in the car because i really thought i was going to get run

over by a semi you're putting this podcast in the ice lane with this story anyway i'm thrilled to be here i'm alive and i'm that's amazing i'm thrilled i'm thrilled you're here that's a harrowing journey getting hand boned uh sean is jordan on twitter sean cougar mel jordan on instagram sean what flavor white claw is he drinking mango playboy mango man right yeah well i'm also a black cherryman which is going to be round two about an hour there we go absolutely fort collins easter weekend i will be there and then uh i believe i'll be in boulder on easter so if you're in the boulder area come to the boulder comedy show and then come to high note comedy he has risen the last thursday she uh wow has risen she so you're doing

a thing where jesus is a lady now too yeah i've been doing it i tried it a few weeks ago jesus jesus was a woman um and then uh last thursday of march we have high note comedy at migration brewing in uh portland oregon we have zach disconny it's gonna be in the building it's gonna be fantastic when is that that's uh the last thursday in march whatever it is march 28th maybe about it and then uh april we have sharpie coming to town chris charpentier and then may we have rob hayes i'm just letting all the cats out of the bag that's so excited anyway back to back to back jacks well yeah uh yeah that's what's coming up man that's a fact that's large david borey is here cool guy jokes 87 on instagram where can he be seen in the real world? In the real world, you can catch me March 23rd through 26th or 25th.

I'm going to be at Rooster Teeth Feathers in Sunnyvale, California. I'm coming home, Bay Area. March 31st through April 1st, I will be at the Dallas Comedy Club in Dallas. April 7th through 9th, I will be at the Before You Die Festival in Anchorage, Alaska. And other than that, you know, third Friday of every month, come to High Note Denver. This month we have Brittany Carney from New York. Brittany. She's brilliant.

Yeah, she's really great. Fantastic. We run a show together in Portland, or in New York, not Portland. Jesus. You don't know where you are. It's okay. You're don't shane's in wisconsin you're road drunk not like drunk drunk like sean is shane torres is here at uh syrup mountain no come on this is an important one for me you held held onto it for such a long time, too.

At Shane Torres on Twitter. At Shane Torres on Instagram. At the real Shane Torres with a five instead of an S on TikTok. And Cash App. And Cash App. Not on Venmo. Are you on TikTok? You're a stand-up about town.

I am not on TikTok. I mean, I have an account, i never use it i probably should stain shoras good one anyways that was almost as fun as your story about driving for 10 hours why did you say story like that here it comes i'm not making it up more of a little more of a little bit of i was just bored thinking about it again, having to say it. That was almost as fun as your story. Yeah. I'm trying things. I'm trying new things. Push the boundaries.

Thank you, David. You're in Wisconsin right now? Yeah, I'm in Janesville, Wisconsin. Wow. Yeah. Home to, like I said before you got on the podcast, one of the guys that founded the Steve Miller band, but is not Steve Miller. Okay. And the Oracle from the Matrix.

Really? Yeah. I think that's the dude to be, is the dude who's in Steve Miller band, but who isn't Steve Miller. You can still go to Target, you know? More anonymous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It's a fun story.

I'd rather be Steve Miller miller than go to target if i'm being honest i think i think i could i couldn't tell you what steve miller looks like i do love target you can tell us what steve harvey looks like though dude steve harvey is a sexy sexy man talk about somebody who can't go to target no way you can't won't there's various reasons he can't go to target he's coming out with more than he wanted if he goes to target yeah all stevelyn harvey oh that's right so just steve miller just for everyone listening at home he uh does live in oregon now i think oh really he's been married four times his current wife is janice ginsburg miller from mill he owned the lippincott wagner house and a 420 acre ranch in the hamletlet of Williams, which is in rural southwestern Oregon.

Really? But he sold it in 1986. I do think he lives in Oregon. Okay. Good for Steve Miller. What did Steve Miller? Was there abracadabra? That was Steve Miller.

Really like your peaches, want to shake your tree. That was Steve Miller, right? I think that's him. Really like your peaches, want to shake your tree. Pretty sure he was abracadabra. Pretty sure that was Steve Miller. Yeah, Joker told him. I really like your bitches, wanna shake your whole tree. Pretty sure he was at Abra, Abra, Cadabra.

Pretty sure that was Steve Miller. Yeah, that's him. Fly like an eagle, right? Yeah. Is that on the

Space Jam soundtrack? Yeah. And that Joker, like, some people call me a space cowboy. Some people call me Maurice. Yeah yeah because he speaks

on the pompadis of love dude let's just drive steve miller band songs didn't we figure out that's not a word pompadis is not a word right it's not a word pompadis is not a word not yet what does he think it means if you donate donate to our GoFundMe right now, we're working like hell to make it happen. How much money do we need to make a word? Dude, I feel like a lot. The lobbyists, the word lobby in D.C. is a fucking heavy hitters. How often are they putting new ones in?

Probably every year. Gotta get Webster on the horn. I think that's the way to go oh if not miriam the last new word i heard about was bootylicious do you remember when people were trying to people were trying to say like beyonce made up bootylicious but i remember snoop dogg saying it like the rhymes you were kicking in were quite quite bootylicious i heard so i saw a clip on the gram the other day that ice t said i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't won like 20 years before jay-z is that true i'll buy that like

ice t put in a song and then uh if you look at if you look at both those guys and what their typical content is one of those guys is far more likely to have said that than the other and if you saw a clip either it's true or people are using deep fake technology for not the stuff i thought they were gonna yeah iced tea deep fakes dude iced tea fakes uh shane torres you you're welcome on this podcast any old time but there's a marissa marissa said enemy well marissa did declare you an enemy of the podcast yeah yeah you were an enemy once and then declare you an enemy of the podcast. Yeah, yeah. You were an enemy once, and then you were a friend of the podcast, but then you messed up your audio recording really, really badly.

So badly that you've become enemy again. Was this the time I messed it up, but everybody said I sounded fine, and then you were not around to fix it, and then you posted it on the Reddit thread and slandered me. You're saying it's Marissa's fault. Because I got a lot of hate. You're right.

Yeah. I think that was the one episode I wasn't there, and I was like, Shane's a podcaster. Surely he knows how to record his audio. Then it's kind of on both of us. That hurt my feelings Marissa it's all good but I did post it on the subreddit making an announcement

I know some people were screen capping it and sending it to DMing it to me to the mattresses in the reddit and I made an announcement saying Shane Torres is officially an enemy of the podcast I think it was Shane fucked up his audio so it was pretty aggressive Yeah. Yeah. And I made an announcement saying Shane Torres is officially an enemy of the podcast again for this reason. I think it was Shane fucked up his audio, so it was pretty aggressive.

Sorry. Pretty sure she told you can't get right. I'm afraid, yeah. You're an enemy until she says otherwise, man. I understand that. You can't flip a Marissa decision. We'll see how this recording goes, but Shane is on like a 10-year-old MacBook without Zoom installed and-

Get him. Get him. Get him. It's not his fault. He's recording on someone else's computer, so I get it, but we'll see what I can do. Why don't you have a computer? Tell me you dropped it in the toilet or something.

No, I was so shaken from my six-hour drive in the snow, I left it in the rental car. You keep bumping those gums. My flight was really early, and I just forgot it when I got up here. So the owner of the club let me borrow an old computer so I could do this. Is that what you're heating the room with? It's just a 10-year-old. Yeah, dude.

I could assault someone with this. It is heavy. It used to be like briefcases. Does it have a disk drive on it? Can you watch a DVD on it? Yeah, but not a Blu-ray. No, but it does have a hard Ether cable. Oh, it's got one of those giant things that you can plug it in.

Yeah, like the beginning of're like the kind of like beginning of internet phone wire kind of thing uh all this kind of banter is the sort of flavor of humor one can expect on a uh a spring night in brooklyn when shane torres beautiful thank you seriously you want to you want to tell the people a little more do you want me to do it i'll do it and y'all go give it give it the plugs i want to see who does ladies and gentlemen every so often uh in art form is graced by an apex uh the work of Martin Scorsese and Spike Lee in the oeuvre of film. Vincent Van Gogh and perhaps even Vermeer in the oeuvre of painting. But not yet has stand-up comedy received its masterpiece,

comedy received its masterpiece crafted by an individual who combines both the the the rigor and the training and the discipline and the in the in the sort of mad genius the spark of of of divine creation and on March 17th, 18th, March 18th, in Brooklyn, it will continue to wait for that because instead of... This is truly not one of those moments, no. Instead of a Master Shane's going to be doing his special,

it's still pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Couldn't do it on the 17th, dirty potato head had to take that night off yeah can i plug it now is that saint patrick's day i thought it moved around every year no march 17th is saint patrick's day march 18th is the day i'm shooting my first one hour special in brooklyn at the sultan room tickets available now they went on sale today but i don't know when this comes out but later 18th and it's being directed by presented by burt kreischer so got some got some heavy hitters behind it so i would love to see some of the all fantasy people there

and uh you know it's being directed by todd fields though right who todd field guy directed tar oh yeah i don't know guillermo del toro is gonna do it oh nice Who? Todd Field? The guy who directed Tar? Oh, yeah. I don't know. Guillermo del Toro is going to do it. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The gentleman who did Shape of Water. Guillermo del Toro directing Guillermo del Toro. Or take me to the Sultan Room in Brooklyn.

Get your tickets at thesultanroom.com. Two shows. Well, I hope you're going to be in a better mood. You're not going to be there, so probably. I would love to see some people out there. I'm very nervous about it. I would love for people to come out. I think it's going to be really good.

I'm proud of this hour. So I'm proud of this hour of comedy, and I'd love to see some people out at this show. March 18th, I know you guys have a lot of fans in Brooklyn, so I'd love for some of them to come out and support me for once instead of calling me food-based puns along with Western people

in Western American history. Now, Wyatt Burp, I couldn't help but notice on your curtains back there, is that a coat hanger on your curtains in your hotel room? Oh, to keep it shut? Yeah, to keep it shut so the sun doesn't come in. I've been there, man. Why on God's green earth would you want the sun to come in your room ever?

And I don't want the world to see me. Not when I'm sleeping or, you know, when I'm doing a podcast and have to watch 18 wheelers go by like in your view, John. I'm buying all the tickets to your show like it's Ja Rule. While we're plugging shane stuff i wanted to show this cool thing that the patreon made so for the um alan brand uh graciously organized the slack exchange for the patreon and as like he gave like a thank you note to everyone who participated and he included these uh little shane stickers for everyone i was gonna say shane

ain't gonna think that's cool. Put it on your nipples. Send a dirty picture to your loved ones. I checked with the guys being like, I really want to tell Shane about this, but I don't know if he's going to be upset. I don't like it. No. I sent you a picture.

I don't understand first of all, why people can just use my likeness freely. We're not profiting. We intentionally take a bad picture. I don't think that's a bad picture of you. That's a horrendous picture. I think it's a very serious picture.

I know that's... We didn't do this, by the way. I had nothing to do with that. No, you, in in some sense you are responsible for the machine you've created alright speaking of the machine he's presenting your special we cannot wait

to see it you need to have three double jamos before every podcast because that was an Ian Carmel transition Shane you're one of the funniest people I've ever met in my entire life one of the best performers I've ever seen everybody go to watch the special it's going to be fantastic

and you deserve everything that's coming to you AFE, Slack members or anyone if you have one of these stickers you must go see Shane oh yeah that is true you gotta pay him back for using that wild it's wild that I'm not part of this podcast

and I'm part of your merch. We didn't sell that. No, but what's the picture on the Patreon page? You gotta pay a little money and find out yourself. We do have condoms that we made with your jokes printed on them

random. We can keep it up while they're reading your jokes. That was on the radio that rude boy song by rihanna can you keep it up that's so wild that that was on the radio for i just feel like people didn't get it like they didn't know what she was talking about is it big enough i think of all the things that have been on the radio boner related that's kind of like the least place. That whole next, that whole song by next to close was all about getting a boner and grinding. It's like people don't really get that. And then WAP comes out and then people get upset about it.

And you're like, next was talking about that 30 years ago, but just with dicks, it's the whole song. It's true. Yeah. Oh, cartwheel put on some shades.

I like Dana's glasses. Those are really good on you. Thank you. I look very handsome today. Your mustache is great. Where are you getting them colors? You dyeing them? No,

I don't know, but like I do have some gray hairs in my mustache, but those glasses make you look like you have tenure. The mustache makes you look like you're about to lose it though. My name is Ian Carmel. I'm at Ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh go see shane special at the sultan room uh march 18th app check that out uh fucking come see me in denver colorado on the dates that i keep forgetting uh june 20 first week in june isn't it oh no no it's not june 22nd june 23rd and june 24th

where you at the comedy works and uh comedy works downtown in denver colorado oh i've been a week before are you really yeah don't go see shane come see me yeah come to the special that's what i need comedy works will be fine without me yeah yeah you stay or stick around for a week i'd be fine we can have high times on the high plains with david borey yeah i get back from brazil like right around then what is your life now it's crazy what's post brazil david gonna be like man brother if i knew i'd tell you putting the e on swarthy that's like it's already gone good for you man i think we're gonna see a lot of even more open shirts than we've become accustomed

to yeah some new fabrics are gonna caress the skin yeah yeah exotic fabrics yeah yeah yeah mike you're gonna do exotic hides and pelts exotic fabrics and previously unbarbecued meats yeah yeah what do we oh that's a kai pavera yeah uh i think that's it watch the late late show james corden uh we about a month and a half episodes left by the time this comes out. Wow. Dude. I know. So crazy. And then I will wander. Wait, can I plug my TV show too? Yes. Watch

Royal Crackers on Adult Swim airing on Adult Swim April 2nd and then the rest of them come on HBO Max April 3rd. Watch them. I'm in every episode. It's very fun. Congratulations, buddy.

Thank you. Hell yeah. Going to be on there, Riz in it up. Oh, yeah. I did a scene with her. I'm not supposed to say that. I think you got to cut that out. But she's my love interest for the new season.

Just bleep out who it was. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then people can speculate. Put in a fart noise. I can't stress the fart noise. Do and put in a fart noise i can't stress the fart noise do not do not put in a fart wait could you give me the fart noise you want me to use no

every time shane gives details about his special i don't know why i thought this was a good idea. So far, I've kind of plugged my special and seen people print horrible stickers of my face. March 17th? March 18th! March 18th!

March 18th in Astoria, New York at the Nordic Hall. No, but seriously. I'm not doing that on purpose. March 18th in Astoria, New York at the Nordic Hall. No, but seriously. I'm not doing that on purpose. I promise. At the Saladin room? Yeah, March 14th, Poughkeepsie at the Groundhog Day room.

I want this to go well. I'm sorry. March 18th at the Sultan room. Shane Torres is going to be doing a 20-minute clip show. But the night before, March 17th. You're my ally on this, David. I love it. It's going to start as an open mic. Book spots will be at the end.

Take it to our gentleman's $100, so give him what he can. No, you're going to sell out. It's going to be on the 17th at Rabbi Morris's Rumpus Room. I am very excited that you're filming yours. You're going to find out. Oh, man. March 18th at the Sultan Room. Very excited.

You are killing me. Just announced March 18th. We are making our live AFE return to Brooklyn. And whatever is next door to the Sultan Room. Yeah. Six shows of the bell house for free maybe katie nolan will do all of them special guest katie nolan six times now we're gonna have barack obama special guest barack barack obama yeah barrio said he'd do them all hey i know this is off topic but did he really say that ribs and pussy thing or is that a deep fake deep fake oh damn he probably said it at some point i would

say this oh what does that mean i don't know if i don't even know what it is what is the ribs and pussy thing i don't even know what it is apparently at my local watering hole two weeks ago malia or sasha obama one of them was like getting drunk in the back on a Saturday night. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. I had a set where I called them the Obama twins and nobody called me on it the other day. Because I just forget that they're not the same age. That is the kind of thing I would be like, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nobody really said anything. Were you talking about the daughters or Michelle's boobs? Oh, the Obama twins? Oh, yeah. Nobody really said anything. Were you talking about the daughters or Michelle's boobs? Boobs. Obama twins. That made me... I don't like it. I don't like it. It's not good. Michelle's arms?

Her very strong arms. She is very strong. What do you think she benches? 250. You think? 250 pounds in documents. She's probably more of a deadlifter. Yeah, I could see that.

Her core is solid. Dude, watch her. I don't like talking about the former First Lady's core this way already. What about the Obama twins? It's a lot i got the obama twins right here you gotta remember that 30 rock where they had irish fist names and and and alec baldwin called his fist bono and Sandra Day O'Connor.

Good show. All joking aside, go make sure you check out Shane at the Slipper Room March 19th. Recording a special. There's a venue called the Slipper Room in March 19th. March 19th is the day. Why are you doing it at the slipper room you should do it at the salton house or the salton comedy shane's recording a special at salton straw uh now that's an idea i can get by yeah You can't get behind the idea of my special No I'm gonna watch the shit out of it

I know I believe you David I was still trying to Fandangle it to be there but I'm not gonna be able to That's okay I would just be nervous anyways Yeah right it'd be fine March 18th at the Salt Room that's the actual one Please don't cut this out Marissa marissa put that fart noise over that please oh my god or just some scotty

pippen being interviewed for anything really he is untethered these days i get it though man i would be it would be hard for me as well him and britney spears are the only two people on that wavelength it is wild is he is scotty pippen really that out there right now he's just like spilling a lot of tea and kind of just like he's not out there he's just done with it he's yeah he's he's had it it's pretty i think he's having a rough you know man it's these man my man left a lot of money on the table a lot just happened to scotty pippen i would be a little bummed out if my wife boned my kids' teammates. Right?

Isn't that what happened? Larson's Pippen has been popping up a lot of places, yes. Including on our episodes. Really? Yeah, this is the second time. We keep talking about it. Oh, yeah. That's true.

I got to do a Larson Pippen deep dive. Next week, we'll be drafting things Larsa Pippen has done. Shane Torres, we are drafting, in honor of your special, which again is March 18th, which is a Saturday, at the Sultan Room in Brooklyn, New York. Time wasters. As in going to see you do that special. Oh, got him.

For the first 45 minutes of this episode, whatever you want to. Will you please, real quick, Shane, you recommended driving. Will you please just give me one thing you would draft driving? Just, I don't know. I don't know.

Let me hear it. Oh, that was, so driving was one of Shane's ideas for this podcast. Road trips, my own mixes, stopping getting fast, let me hear it oh that was so driving was one of shane's ideas for this podcast road trips my own mixes stopping getting fast stopping getting food all right okay we've drafted weirder shit yeah i wasn't like i wasn't like uh traffic and people merging when they're not supposed to what the fuck did you think ian's road rage from five years ago how's that i could

it's still there but i it's a lot smaller. Pull over so I can beat the shit out of you. He didn't. No, no, he didn't. No, no, that would have been a fool. Yeah, there's a small flaw in your plan. Yeah. Yeah. What are you going to do? Probably for the best.

Now, the way we determine the order of this draft, where we're drafting time wasters, is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissor shit oh natural tie rock paper scissor shoot there it is oh shane wins he throws a rock he keeps a. He stays rocked up. With that big old heavenly fist, that was fun to see. That meaty palms. Now, Shane Torres recording a special March 18th at the Solden Room.

As the winner of Rock Paper Scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft, March 18th at the Solden Room. Can't wait to have to stumble through one of these explanations again. A minefield of dumb. Oh, is it me?

Yeah. But before you do that, I will remind you it's a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. It's like what I imagine tiling a floor looks like in a bathroom. If you have to just tile the floor, I'll be quick. You've tiled a floor. I don't think I ever have. I've been around when friends were tiling a floor looks like in a bathroom if you have to just tile the floor i'll be quick you've tiled a floor i don't think i ever have i've been around when friends were tiling floors but i don't think i've ever done it i've never laid the grout as it were so you just tile you

go from left to right and then up one tile right to left up one tile left to right up one tile right to left until the whole bathroom is tiled cut around the toilet though that's key don't take the easy way out put the time in and get the tiles right around the toilet. Basically, what it means is you pick fourth in the first round. You pick first in the second round. Now, with that in mind, Shane, what will the order of today's draft be? I would like it to be Ian one, David two, Sean three, me four. Ooh, Ian one.

Say that again. So, Ian? David, Sean, Shane. Sean, Shane. You got the hot hot corner do you want to yell hot corner it's fun march 18th at the sold room you can go see my special presented by burke reicher yeah you're gonna be there yeah nice nice you said that like you're lying are you lying no he's gonna be there he's presenting it and, it's being directed by Vim Vendors, you said? Now, Danny Boyle's going to do it.

It's going to be like a whole space thing. Oh, nice. Okay, cool. You're going to feel weird when you're done. Oh, David LaChapelle. Oh, it's David LaChapelle, yeah. Is the channel going to be doing stand-up from a bathtub full of milk? Or is it going to be a Spike Lee joint? It's going to be a Spike Jones joint. it's going to be a spike jones joint

it's going to be like mole hole and drive themed where nobody knows exactly how to feel after it's over and harvey feierstein is playing you in it right yes yes and everything bagel should cost more than a normal bagel and i'm gonna name my son Brontosaurus Taurus. That's all you're doing, right? Let's not give all this away for free, gang. You're doing the set from 15 years ago. I'm gonna finish with a joke. Oh, go see it. Salt and Root, March 18th.

Marissa, hand me one of those stickers real quick so I can put it over my lens and I don't have to do it. I have the first pick in the time wasted draft and I'm going to make that first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick.

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Except for course. You got a mouthful of chaw. I got a mouthful of pear. Of course, for no accounting for taste. Is that Bartlett? It's one of the green ones. It's a Bartlett pear it's delicious god help me shout out to pears it's raining hard in la right now it's great dude it snowed on that they closed the grapevine because it's dumping snow it's actually snowing

like miles from your house shane are you gonna be dumping snow right before you go up on march 18th at the salt room or are you gonna to do it sober? Are you going to be shitting cocaine? I'm the real cocaine bear. We're drafting time wasters. I have the first pick. And I got to take my favorite time waster of all time. I hate to do this to you, Marissa, but I got to take video games. Oh, man. Yeah, you did steal that from me.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean. There's nothing i enjoy more from it through the history of my life going all the way back to probably mario 2 okay i was gonna say chronicle chronicle ncaa basketball on the super nintendo super battle tank on the super nintendo nintendo 64 playing golden eye on there you know fucking zelda ocarina of time and you know fucking you're just talking about playing you're not even talking about the anticipation of like going to a game stop and trying to get the game and all the other investment you have to that could be a whole nother pick right there that as far as time wasters yeah for me i just like there's something about it i think i i'll probably say this more than once on this podcast i think mindlessness can be as important as mindfulness it absolutely when i'm playing video games i just

get completely mindless all i think about is the game and sometimes not even really that i can just not be behind the wheel for a while it's just like stimulation though just not thinking about shit just just zoning out the best not thinking about anything just being completely zoned out much like the crowd will be march 18th march 18th just zoned out okay not not tuned in i'll show you that was tony hawk for me and dr mario where it was like yeah i would get off work and i would go play dr mario specifically because i it was one of the it was deep in the call center phase and i would i would just be so upset when i got off and like i just i just needed to straight up not think about anything yeah and just be automatic like there

were times i had a hypnotist one time tell me that the that because i don't i was like i don't believe in hypnotism what explain it to me and he said it's kind of like if you do something and you don't remember doing it it's kind of like tiling a floor. Yeah, like tiling a floor. If you go left or right. No, but he was saying if you do something and then an hour later, you're like, what did I just do? That can be video games sometimes where you just completely are off. I flew from London to New York and I had the Nintendo Switch switch and i was playing civilization six or seven or whatever on there and i was like mad the flight was over it's like that could have a time waster it just

like went like bam like that and it was over my worry is that like i'm already so unproductive if i had video games into my that's how i feel it's just like it's like they're fun but i like i'm very like i can find ways to waste time like nobody's fucking business. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I thought about, I had Tetris on my phone for a little bit, and I became obsessed almost immediately. Yeah.

Yeah, and I was like, I have to get this off my phone right now. And that's just Tetris. I almost never play them anymore. Really? Yeah. Just because, like, being in a marriage, and then, like, having, you know, to do the the show and then i'm working on other projects outside of it it's like i can't i just have to have that boundary yeah it'll just suck me in yeah i got one of those um one of those nintendo

super nintendos with all the games loaded up like three years ago and like right when covet hit i ordered one i am off amazon and i haven't touched it in i touch it when my nephews come over i touch the video game system when my nephews come over yeah okay yeah so this week i've been out of town but i'm just saying like i just there's no time to play games with the kid what are we gonna say marissa uh to that point of like not having time to play video games because of all these other things going on uh that's why like the only video games i play now are vr games where they're also exercise at the same time so i'm playing video games but i'm also getting my you're getting some exercise yeah exactly okay you're sabering sabering yeah video games absolutely my first pick. Time for the second pick, which belongs to the one and only

Brazilian Sicilian himself, David Bore. This one's easy. First round talent, Instagram, man. Oh my god, yeah. There's very few things. A lot of things I'm like, I'll waste some time on that.

I don't mind. I wish that I could get all the time spent on instagram back i never i never pull my head away from it and i'm like thank god i was looking at instagram for that 15 minutes i really yeah you know what i mean it's like always regret i leave it in a worse mood than i was before i got on it almost every single time i mean if we didn't have to for this thing that we do and to let people know i'd have deaded it when i did a twitter to be if i'm pretty close to just paying someone to run mine like i i don't want to fuck with it anymore yeah i'd rather not like not have it on your phone and stuff i'd rather i'd yeah shane will you will you please pay me to run your Instagram? Trust me with it. I won't do you dirty. No, I'm sure you'll be five drinks in

by the time I ask you to do your first post. Will you pay me to edit a clip for you, please? Yeah. There won't be no fart noises. If you could edit a clip, I'd be more surprised than you winning the lottery. That's how uncapable you are of this. I know that for a fact.

I movie. You just keep saying it. Say I movie. I movie. Okay. lottery that's how yeah incapable you are of this i know that for a fact i movie you just say i movie i'm okay i'm moving yeah i'm artificial horizon now i can fly a plane since i named an instrument on a flight yeah that does all right how about this just let me edit a few clips for you and i'll put them up as a trial period. Promise you they're going to be great. Edit your attitude first and then we'll talk about my clips. I think your Salton Room, March 18th. What's there to edit? I hate you so much. Go see Graham Cain's Salton Room. Turn the thing I wanted into something I hated.

We're going to show up with our own cameras that night. We're going to shoot the real special. Is the Linkin Lake show still going to be going? Because then if not, we could use their stuff and I could save a few bucks. It will still be going for another month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well.

But those are big studio cameras. Yeah, the bigger the camera, the better, right? You're going to use point and shoot, right? You're doing it like little Polaroids. It's going to be like a concept special. I don't think you know what concept means. You're just going to take a bunch of Polaroids if you're doing stand up for an hour and then line them up

and then have Danny Boyle go over that with a video camera no I'm going to have them be I'm going to turn them into a flip book and then I'm just going to run my thumb across it and then it'll be like now that's a special what will it be like Instagram I thought you know they're kind of smart in twitter i don't have it on my phone anymore but i can go it on my computer still right instagram you can't really fuck with it

on the computer the same way yeah very phone-based app yeah that's the problem is you can't post the from the computer yeah post it from the computer then i would have been at it off my phone way off my phone it would have been fully off my phone yeah but it's go to someone's first picture when i'm really like wasting time on instagram i'll just find an account and just go to their very first post just to see what it was you know and then i always get nervous i'm gonna accidentally like a picture from 13 years ago and that's that's crazy it's also like me looking at so much it used to be like i'd kind of be on there looking at interesting stuff now i'm just looking at tons of shit i don't care about incessantly watching every story even though i don't know what any of them are aren't taking any of them in but like it's like that's the worst part about it is it's

all trash from the get like it's not even i'm not even looking at shit I want to look at. Nobody's, yeah, nobody's caring to put up, like, quality shit half the time anyway. No! I don't even know what that would be, like, you know, like, in the stories, especially, it can't be quality. It's just pictures of snow.

Well, like, there's a good version of, like, what, like, you know, somebody's into, like, wellness, and they follow a lot of wellness accounts. There's probably one or two people who actually know what they're talking about and there's 500 other people that have nice faces that are doing the same

thing. I was looking for a jacket one time and I found a targeted ad for a jacket and I got that jacket so it's not all bad. Well it works. Yeah okay. You can curate it a little bit. I think Instagram's fun. I don't think it's a bummer at all i it's like skateboarding and shoes i'm i didn't instagram doesn't bum me out at all oh bums me out look at this fucking sandwich i just found on instagram yep

it was a good sandwich good looking sandwich good looking sandwich yeah i i just it's it's also a time suck like whenever i lose time. Yeah. I just, it's, it's also a time suck. Like whenever I lose time, it's never, it's like, it's like, fuck,

I've been on here for 20 fucking minute. You know what I mean? Yeah. It stops you from sleeping. It's one of the ones where you're like, oh shit, I'm in bed. Why?

After I got off my flight yesterday, I had to tell myself, don't get on Instagram for two hours after, like, it's shit like that. Like, I just, you know, cause I know I'll sit around or whatever. And then I didn't want to do that. But it's fucking brutal.

But it takes enough of your time that you're not doing anything else when you're doing it. That's the other thing. Like, it doesn't. It's like it's like that perfect. It takes the perfect amount of concentration so that you can't like you're not looking at Instagram while you're answering emails or anything like. no no but it's like you just look at instagram it fucks me up yeah well that's a good pick it's good and evil sean jordan time for your first pick uh youtube oh yeah that's a good one yeah yeah just why i mean just going down like youtube holes, I waste the most time by far doing that. Just watching, I mean, anything.

We would sit and watch videos of lava melting stuff. Before you know it, you're an hour in. When I'm doing that, though, I don't feel like I'm wasting time because it's when in those situations where you're like, everything right now is wasting time. I guess I'm just trying to shut off. But yeah, it is the thing where I end up just forgetting what I'm doing for the longest amount of time. Yeah. Wasting time can be good. It's not necessarily like a value thing.

It's important. Yeah. Time you enjoy wasting sometimes you don't got shit to do too i believe it was dracula who said that is not wasted time this is one of the the only things that i'll do where there's people around wasting the time with me a lot of times like that people are zach tuscana yeah you've all you've all been there but yeah zach zach was a big one big part of it but it's just fun you just and then you just get going and then you're like oh this would be interesting i gotta watch this and then it leads to something else

and uh yeah big big big waste what's the craziest thing you've seen on youtube recently i mean i just watch old skate videos and like rap videos and stuff i don't really watch a lot of crazy shit uh i'm really into the like watching since harper posted on instagram all the time i'll youtube it it's the hydraulic press stuff oh yeah that shit is fascinating i could watch that for hours you know they just destroy stuff on the hydraulic press it's yeah like bowling balls and just everything you're like what what would happen if i could squish a bowling ball that's what would happen if i could squish a bowling ball everything bleeds they'll just do like uh yeah like big mountains of starburst they'll just squish all those a bunch of books they did a bunch of poker chips the other day and it made the table fall over almost that's what i enjoy the most right now yeah that sounds

satisfying yeah like i watch these um hedge trimmer videos oh yeah that feels good yeah trim that edge earwax getting pulled out cut the way i know it's gross but it's some of the most satisfying shit i got really into the toe bro for a little while on youtube i don't know what that is i don't know what that is i thought you were the toe bro yeah dude yeah no you're my little toe hose my little toe hose you say here you go my little toe hose. My little toe hose. You say, here you go, you little toe sluts, like anyone's asking for it. I know, I think it's funny. Cool, another car drove by Sean's window. The toe bro is this podiatrist.

He's like, you know Dr. Pimple Popper? It's like that, but a podiatrist. He's just doing wild shit. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, some of it's like that but a podiatrist he's just doing wild shit oh i know what you're talking about yeah it's truly some of it's truly disgusting you know like impacted nails and shit like yeah but like but then when he cleans it up and you're like it's usually like old people who have like problems with their feet and stuff who can't like bend down to literally wash them so he'll like clean up their feet so there's like it's kind of nice too but it is fucking gross uh but uh yeah

you know what i've found that scratches the same age itch is just restoration videos like somebody yeah i restored this lighter from the 1940s or like thor store a gun or all kinds of shit like that that shit is like that shit scratches that itch for sure yeah i like that and then i don't have to watch like pus yeah yeah but yeah but I go in for the bio too I got some nasty shit on there I don't know what it is that stuff it doesn't get me going at all it's so gnarly

I think it's rooted in anxiety I don't know if it's like it gets me a jump I'm always just like huh but it's like it's like I am invested in that moment and I'm fully watching it like not like what I am with Instagram which I'm kind of like taking it in half ass, you know, like I'm actually paying attention.

So maybe that's part of the reason I like it. See, this is why it's hard to be an entertainer now in this day and age, because like there's too much others in the eighties. They weren't like fucking with, they didn't have to compete with pimple popper videos and the toe bro and shit like that. You only got to see that if you were a podiatrist or

you or that was your foot yeah or if your uncle had a weird foot or somebody who can't tell a story tells you about the time somebody had a weird thing on their foot yeah that's it yeah that's it yeah yeah and now we're out here trying to write shows that can compete with like some guy getting like a fucking boil lanced on him yeah yeah or like a cockroach pulled out of their nose that's i mean that shit's wild dude shane you got shane huh i was gonna say did someone just shoot you oh god man down yeah i hate the oh shane while you're in that sort of space of throwing stuff up why don't you go ahead and

throw up your first two picks okay hey i just want to i have to be out the door in 33 minutes oh yeah i just i don't like i want to be i just don't want to be i want us to be conscious of it that way i can still be present and have fun making these picks and i don't i don't mean to be like that yeah tight uh yeah and you know we can go for a while on this sometimes that's all i got stuff to do tonight let's do it yeah i'm sorry i didn't mean to sound ungrateful that you're having me i just wanted to be yeah i always got moves to bust on march 18th 2024 at the god damn you yeah they were here to buy tickets. Yeah. Oh, fuck you. I kind of like when you said on Time Wasters, I was like not thinking about shit I enjoy, but things that make me mad.

Okay. Yeah. Church was my first pick. Oh, man. If you don't want to be there, that shit is. Fuck church is boring as shit it was the i that made the that was the longest an hour could ever feel when i was a kid when i was like are you fucking kidding me it's been five minutes i remember being like how long has it been my mom's like that's how long it's been yeah surely these songs are 20 minutes a piece right we've been here for three hours yeah it was so brutal standing up sitting down get off yeah yeah oh and just getting it as a

catholic where you're just being told everything you're doing wrong and i'm going to do as a confession confession yeah i went to go to confession you don't have to do that right ian no no no it's the worst shit in the world to be like uh i swore and yeah you're like do i need to tell him i beat off i gotta tell a guy i can't even see who's representing as a figure for christ that i what lots of shit i did and then not feel like I was saying enough bad stuff to them. Like, like, is this worth your time that I,

when I'm confessing is like, or maybe you can tell me I'm a good kid. And then I have to go pray to Mary. Ugh. I'll tell you this. All the talk about God at church. I don't really think she even cares if we're there to be honest. There he is.

Nice. To be honest. Fuck church. Okay. All right. Fuck church. I can't believe you asked if we confess with the amount of Jews we are, uh, lawyers we got on the Jew bench. All right. Fuck church. I can't believe you asked if we confess. With the amount of Jews we are, lawyers we got on the Jew bench?

Time for using that term. The Jew bench. The Jew bench. I like it as a. This is David's foyer. He has a, there's a coat rack there. Very considerate. And he's got a Jew bench right there next to the door.

This is David's condo downtown. This, yeah yeah he had that jew bench like brought in it was crazy for my second pick uh i will i'm gonna go with uh re-watching things i've seen before totally oh you're gonna say that on this podcast yeah but that's when you enjoy it right i know i get mad at myself for doing it but i will i sat here and did this i knew everything that was gonna happen yeah yeah and i still thought to watch it i watched swat like seven times you know it's crazy when you're like i gotta stay up and watch the end you're like i've seen the end so many times most of the time it's not even good i do it with friday night lights i'm

like i know every word they're gonna say but i'm like i can't it's like eating doritos you know it's like there's no nutrition in it, and I'm going to feel worse after. And you know what they taste like. Sometimes when I'm trying to eat healthy, I will remind myself I know what Doritos tastes like. And I get help, so I'm like, you know what that is. That's a good idea. We like Doritos, right? No.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay, I'm just making sure. It sounded like we didn't like Doritos for a second. We like them. It's just like not, it's not what you you know sure doritos john had a real sense of betrayal going on i don't know if you heard about this but i had a rough drive today and i didn't want to hear that all my friends don't like doritos so just making sure um sometimes you get stuff

out of a rewatch if it's good i guess well like if you're watching the time between yeah if it's like you just saw it eight months ago the rewatching religiously stuff like the the tombstones and the things that i've seen like all seriously 100 times entourage yeah my that's probably the most honestly that is what i could throw because whatever i digress but uh rarely like the the ones that you go five six years because whatever i digress but uh rarely like the the ones that you go five six years or whatever and rewatch then it can be then it's really great you you learn something you see something that can be a little more fun but yeah i just uh rewatching i get so mad at myself sometimes like even though i'm especially alone

yeah you're not even like watching it reminiscing with somebody you're just like you're not saying anything you're just looking at it again yeah i'm on the road so much if the departed is on tnt i'm like there goes my there goes my afternoon oh yeah anything that's a big chunk like that anything that's like a big chunk like oh fuck the patriot just started thank god the patriot is a perfect one great job great pick okay am i up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh for my second pick i'm gonna take going to the mall yeah oh yeah yeah for sure i mean especially being on the road, but like no matter what, even when Max is in daycare now, I'll just go to the mall. And sometimes I'm just, I'm like, go to the mall.

And then I have a couple hours where I end up doing some other stuff. And then I think, wait, you said you were going to go to the mall. Go to the mall. And I'll just go to the mall and just, I just go exist at the mall for hour, hour and a half probably probably twice

a week i just like the people i like being around it sounds weird but i like being around commerce like that just like it's just fun you know just all different kinds of people i enjoy it i like i know what you mean there's people around yeah it's nice just yeah you know we are when when you do stand up on the road or when you're just doing stand-up you're around a bunch of people but you're not with them because it's you're kind of separated a little bit when you're at the mall you're with everybody you're just right there in a department store look i just went and looked for luggage the other day for no reason i was like what's luggage doing i just went and what's checked out your luggage is

fucking expensive bro it's so expensive. It's like 400 bucks for a good travel suitcase, like a good overhead travel suitcase. They get crazier than that, dude. Yeah. Like way crazier. Yeah, these are the ones that like the shitty macy's. When you're dealing with the kind of exotic fabrics that David's going to be dealing with

when he comes back from Brazil, $400 is going to be like. You ever had a salamander carry-on? Come on, dude. Watch that. It's salamander now. He's got a shoulder bag made out of bat. He's got a soldier bag.

He's got a soldier bag, too. Soldier bag is just a bag full of my condoms. I'm sorry. Soldier bag? You got to wrap up your little soldier and go to war 25 more minutes i had 20 fuck off i gotta wrap up my little soldier and go to war and we're gonna just do it in the bed time to take normandy anyway going uh going to the mall that's my second pick you know where the mall is not struggling is southern california it seems like i know the fucking americana and the galleria are always popping

i love that covid yeah yeah i used to go to the americana when it opened sometimes if my break hit at work and it would it would be packed immediately that parking ramp you cannot find a spot there ever just you and a bunch of 90 year old armenians getting their steps in absolutely that's exactly what it was yeah i just work at abc mouse i'm just right down the road over here and like like they ask you too many security guards hey where do you work that was always the thing where i'm like we don't need all of you security guards but the big thing at the americana it's a great pick david uh my second pick i'm gonna take worrying oh god that's a good one yeah it just it is it's a waste of time i never look back i'm like i'm like oh i'm really glad i spent

all that time worrying about that shit and i got hot just hearing you say that it just eats through time man it just like when you're really dreading some shit and all of a sudden there's too few hours in the day oh man it ruins all the dope shit that you get you're about to do or whatever like whatever you were looking forward to or whatever gas you had in the tank to be stoked when you start worrying about stuff it just eats that up and then you look back you're like why and also the other thing it's almost always okay i guess for me whatever i was worrying about it usually works out even like not a crazy way it's just you can't you can only worry so much man i don't know that rat did get your wife pregnant

yeah but now i have a daughter so it's i'm you know now i get to be a stepdaughter well we don't we don't really talk about that um i don't know if that's in your she's all jordan yeah yeah yeah she is there's no mistake in that yeah man i feel bad because every time someone sees a picture over there like holy shit she's you like can you at least kind of say she looks like laura when laura's she doesn't laura did all the work laura knows she's hers yeah yeah you know i had an idea what i thought would be a funny sketch a while ago about a doctor fanny pack full like full of snacks it's called a fanny snack and if you guys want to buy it you can go to seanjordan.com it's a combo dvd vcr yeah it's get in on the gofundme for both those things i thought it'd be funny to see a sketch about a

doctor telling a woman who just gave birth to a kid that it wasn't their kid. And I've told that to Laura so many times and she just doesn't get it. I'm like, you don't... I'm saying the kid just came out of you. The kid came out of you. Well, clearly we're all in stitches from that idea. It doesn't have to be funny. I'm just saying it's like the kid came out of you. No, it's a sketch. It should be funny.

I gotta tell you, I've been working in late night television now for about 10 years. A decade of my life. You don't think that'd be funny at all? And that idea. March 18th at the Salton Room. I guess that's my... Shane Torres,

shanescommunity.com, saltonroom.com for tickets, presented by Bert Kreischer. Shane Torres, live at the Slipper Room, March 17th. Oh, God. No, that's a funny sketch. is presented by Bert Kreischer. Shane Torres, live at the Slippery Room, March 17th. Oh, God. No, that's a funny sketch. I think it's in the writing. See, the kid is in her, you see.

So when she gives birth to it, obviously it's your kid. So what happens next? It feels a bit one note. Oh, well, yeah, that's where you come in. I'm just the idea man. Shane has 11 minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have 21 minutes. I can't't count you're the best david uh

worrying which is what david's doing about how much time shane has left time for my second i just did it i'm sorry to be like this sorry you're fine i'm taking i'm taking a long shower yeah dude oh damn i'm staying in the pleasure district here i love i love a long shower. Yeah, dude. Oh, damn. I'm staying in the pleasure district here. I love a long shower. It's going to make me sound like a bad guy, but sometimes I've definitely been in the house with nothing to do. I think I'll go take a shower. Yeah, for sure.

Just make that decision. Just get it real hot. Yeah, and then also to get in. I'm going to do two lathers today and real like just get extra clean. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do a face mask. That good long shower before you're going out.

Like I'm probably going to do that after this. Like just take a long hot one. Maybe a little 1015 nap afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a nice dry. Don't put on anything till after you're completely done grooming yes oh god that's like absolutely naked yeah underwear even just

brushing your teeth free balling i brush my teeth in the shower most of the time now i hate that you don't like doing that no i don't like't like doing it. I have a toothbrush now, so I can't do it anymore. But when I had a regular toothbrush. An in-shower toothbrush? I got a waterproof electric toothbrush. So I'm in there all over the place. Yeah. Well, I'm not doing that.

Sorry to bum everyone out. Yeah, neither am I. It is kind of weird and gross to me, too. You should see what else I do with the toothbrush in the shower. You think that's weird and gross. Go on. What are you doing with it sticking it in my butt give it its own little shower afterwards to clean off my butt oh my god i live in la and i know it's bad i know we're running out of water but every now and then i'll still throw a long one in there yeah i get it man yeah you know what i I did stop doing was turning the water on and letting it warm up for anything

more than like 15 seconds. I will turn. I don't get in immediately, but I don't. Sometimes I used to let it go for, like I'd turn it on and then brush my teeth and then get in the shower. I don't do that anymore. Oh, that's a lot. Yeah.

Do you ever do a cold blast to start? Yeah. I do a cold blast to end. Yeah. That's always so tough because it's a bummer no once you get used to it i had i mean i think i talked about it's redundant never mind i had like a couple weeks where i was cold showering and you it's it's really amazing how good you feel you feel great yeah i get it yeah it's nice. Fucking time for my third fucking pick. Bro. Fuck yeah, dude. Third fucking pick.

Fucking. I'm going to take fucking. Take fucking, dude. Oh, no. Oh, I'm going to take walking somewhere instead of driving. Sure. Oh, yeah. Another thing I absolutely love.

That's a nice one. Yeah, that's good. I wouldn't have thought of that. Yeah, that's great. This is where I'm torn because it is a waste of time but it's good for you and it's great it's a good way it's exercising you know it's and it's but i just like if it's like okay i gotta go to trader joe's i gotta buy some apples or whatever the fuck like i can drive or i could just that's really constructive way to do it yeah like yeah yeah i like that because like a lot

of this seems to be like like a waste of time but you're just being constructive more than anything or not as efficient in the sense of like doing it quickly i guess but i guess it's not technically maybe it's not a waste of time i don't know it seems like a waste of time because i could drive there instead but it's just like you know what i'm gonna i got a little extra time today i'm gonna go ahead and take like a long leisurely walk to wherever it is i needed to go oh yeah it's also kind of nice that you're like we always what do we use that extra time for when we say we're in a hurry half the time anyway yeah look at instagram more before bed yeah yeah that's what i mean yeah we're

we're banking it for no you're totally right about that's a good way to approach it and i like that yeah like that instead of like how I have to get this done today, like how am I going to choose to get it done today? Right. I like that a lot, actually. Thank you very much. I try to get to 10,000 steps every day, and sometimes you find unique ways to do it.

It is hard sometimes. It doesn't seem like it should be hard. It's hard to get 10 Gs in every day. Man, you guys are all your time wasters are positive. I'm doing eggs. Oh, yeah. Mine have been real positive. I'll throw some negative ones in there.

I got to think of them first, but I'll do it. David, time for your third pick. So this is going to sound weird, but I got to explain it. Multitasking too much. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where it's like i wake up and i got 50 things to do that day and instead of just doing thing thing thing thing thing i do a bit of everything yeah it just never and then it gets discombobulated and nothing gets done and then i'm like ending

up like watching a movie or some shit like it's like nothing gets done nothing yeah it's like if i if it's like i have to clean out my fridge put all these books on this shelf you're like well one of the shelves is filled with books and yeah that that fruit's not in there anymore but everything else is kind of like yeah no yeah yeah it meant it's like it's so much now that i'm older i have to like like a lot of days i'll have to like write down literally what i'm gonna do or whatever but yeah i like doing too many things because it'll be like it won't be that many things it'll be like no i have seven eight things to do today but i just won't do i won't complete one yeah yeah it's just it's it always ends up being a gigantic waste of

time at the end of the day you're like i don't i think i finished one thing today i end up half doing a lot of shit exactly and that's the bummer because if that's half like if you half do everything you didn't actually do one of the things you wanted to do you know it ain't done no exactly yeah yeah tell me about it yeah i got like a like i moved a bunch of clothes to the garage but not all of them so there's just like three of them on the fucking yeah and then and then like people come home they're like well i see you started this but why isn't it there's like some judgment attached to it oh yeah bro i've been sorting shit to give to goodwill for like two weeks yeah oh damn it and then it'll be in your car for two weeks oh not one like yours

but when i would move it to my car and it would sit there for two weeks yeah yeah before you actually like yeah yeah and then sometimes you're like i'm never gonna get to goodwill these are just going in the trash no yeah maybe yeah when you figure out a shorter way to get there and you're like ah fuck it i'll just throw i'll clothes away. You're like, your good intentions have been derailed by your own fucking lack of motivation. Yeah. Sean, time for your third pick. Driving around.

Hey, that's great. I love driving around. I waste a lot of time doing it. Well, that's how you became the top 1% of unpaid drivers. It sure is. But daycare days are the only times I really have time to waste anymore. But I will do it. I'll just like, I'll take the long way to get places.

A lot of times I'll take the scenic way. I'll just go through neighborhoods I haven't been through in a while. I just love driving. I think it's fun. I'll tell you, living in LA and having driving be a huge part of my almost every day. I don't want any fucking part of it ever. Ever. I remember one time I went to, you got off work,

and I went to the weed store with Zach in Santa Monica, and you go, why are you going with? And I go, it's fun, take a little drive, and you're like, that sounds insane to me,

to go to Santa Monica for no reason. But I was like, it's just, you know, it's the whole combination of things, the hum of the car, and like, just, it's just, you know, it's the whole combination of things. The hum of the car and just fun listening to it. Anyway, driving around.

Driving around. Shane, tell me your third and fourth picks. For number three, I will take Relationships. God. There it is. Shane Torres, everybody. I was wondering who you're

who it was a grinder relationships a waste of time like you know like i don't think every relationship that doesn't work out is a waste of time but sometimes you're just like why are we doing like you've been in relationships where you're like this isn't gonna work out and it's just bad but neither one of us wants to be alone you know and then i don't think every relationship that doesn't go the distance is a failure but some of them are you know like some of you grow from they all are they're all yeah they all failed no i know what you're saying some of you're like all right and then other ones you're like what there are ones where you're what was that why was i doing this to myself? And to another person Right, right, right Yeah

Oh god How's it going right now? How's your dating life? That brings me to my next pick You smashing? Dating apps I never got to do a dating app I mean Facebook was a dating app for a while

You know what I mean? But I never was on a a dating app. I mean, Facebook was a dating app for a while. You know what I mean? But I never was on a real one. I hate it. I'm going to get off. I got back on recently. It has been a week, and I'm getting off. I just don't like the way it makes me feel. You're getting off.

Sounds like it's going well. Stop it. Sounds like it's going well. Yeah, dude. If you want to get comedy off, Salt and Rube, March 18th. I don't know. Getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly shane torres out here boogieing down on the dating is it not going well on the dating apps for you it's just like i don't like them and i'm not good at bragging about myself

and i feel like that's what a lot of those no you're not no not good about bragging about yourself there's so much to brag about you're're such a rad dude. You have so many good things going for you. It's crazy that you don't. But I mean, that's endearing in itself. You don't want to brag about yourself. Humility is another word for it. Yeah. Yeah.

You have a lot, but you're. Yeah. You're very attractive. You're one of the nicest people I've ever met. So you're spending a lot of time jacking off. You jack your dick off a lot. I'm not. Is that what you'd say?

I hate you. Oh, it's time for our fourth break. Oh, good. Thanks, Ian. That's not what I sound like. We're going to take another short break. You know what? We're going to take another short break.

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I got nine minutes welcome that's and it's only going to take three welcome to Shane Torres jack off power hour March 18th sold It's only going to take three. Welcome to Shane Torres' Jack-Off Power Hour. March 18th. Shane Torres' Jack-Off Power Hour. Go.

Sean Jordan, tell me your fourth pick. No, I can't do that. Well, how about this? Drinking. Oh, yeah. I waste a lot of time i waste a lot of time i'm wasting time right now doing it but it's i don't want it it sounds so negative like of course i'm having a fun you know but it is just a it's just a waste of time it's a time suck afterwards oh wait are you doing a show tonight sean no tonight's my night off that's why okay i was like whoa no i would never god no especially not one that i'm

getting like you would never get drunk before a show i disagree stand-up show i have to get this back on very good about the stand-up shows before a show after a show or like drinking themed show all bets are off but stand-up shows i i can't i get too nervous i can't do it and then i every probably now every year like once a year i will have one show the last one was in seattle after we did the croc i i went i heard there were some crazy riffs going on dude Dude, I felt disgusting afterwards. I made like a mass shooting joke. I don't do that shit. It was, I felt horrible. So anyway.

I'd drink if I had your act. There he goes. Shane Torres, everybody. March 19th, Fort Lauderdale. You go check him. Go check him out at the Linen Club. The Linen Club. Shane Torres, Jackoff Power Hour the Linen Club. The Linen Club. Shane Torres, Jackoff Power Hour, Linen Club, Fort Lauderdale.

That's right. Yeah. You can park your boat anywhere. Anyway. Shane Torres is going to be jacking off on Twitch. Everybody log in, www.saltonroom.com. He's also going to be, he's going to be twitching on Jackoff, which that'll be kind of tight. Anyway.

David, time for your fourth book. Oh. Weed oh weed oh there you go yeah the father and the son man i don't even smoke weed and that was on my list yeah it's well now because i stopped i'm not like an everyday smoker now it's like if i smoke weed it's because i'm like it's 8 p.m i don't have a show i did everything i need to do today yeah there's a new episode of milf manor on i'm gonna get high as a motherfucker yeah what is milf manor and you don't want these problems i got a pretty good idea it might be going into my fifth pick milff Manor. It's eight milfs,

eight sons. Everybody's trying to bang, but the sons are the sons of the milfs. Oh no! They're trying to bang the other milfs. Yes, Sean. They're not trying to fuck their moms. That show's called

Incest Octa, and it's kind of the same thing. Yes, Sean. Fuck, Milf Manor. that's that show's called incest after it's kind of the same thing yes sean uh oh time for my fourth of them my final picks as it is a serpentine draft my fourth pick i'm going to take browsing for sneakers oh my god dude online so many carts that never got emptied so many full carts unfortunately so many so many carts that got paid for i'd a lot of times after i did them i after i ordered them i'm like you asshole yeah you have more shoes than i think any of us i'm out of the phase but i went through a deep deep phase in covid it's because you combined it with your last uh time waster drinking yeah i did yeah and i didn't really drink a lot during covid so every time i get a little tossed i'd be like

i was finding deals that i kind of like was getting stoked about finding cheap you know they most of the shoes i got were like 60 bucks or whatever but there were a there were a couple where it's like oh that's not, that wasn't a great idea. Yeah. And then just in the interest of time, my final pick, I'm going to do. Thank you. Sorry, guys. I know I'm rushing this.

I'm sorry. Doing fake trades in the NBA. Oh, yeah. On the trade machines and stuff like that. Wait, what do you mean? You can go on the NBA trading machine and just kind of like move teams around. You'd be like, Ooh, look what the blazers could do.

You know, if they put shade and sharp in this. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. The trade machine. And it's a structured like within like the salary cap and all that stuff too.

You can't just be like, Oh, like it's like, it's realistic. It's not a, you can't just be like, I'm going to give you Anthony Simons for Anthony Davis and LeBron James. Yeah.

You got to really make it make sense. That's great. The blazers would never do that. They should. Do you, do you see that video that Dame posted that video where they got stuck on the runway? And that was pretty tight.

Oh yeah. It was wrapping. Yeah, it was fun. I saw that. That's my final pick, which means it's not for David's final pick. Uh,

waiting for the dvd screensaver thing to hit the corner oh my to like fully dead on like yeah exactly hit it to get it flush yeah oh it feels good when it does it that was but it's like really nice i watched this i'd spent more time watching this than i spent watching wedding crashers and i paid a buck for it at the red box or whatever yeah man yeah cian when i have a long beard shaving it and then you putting my facial hair in every different kind of facial hair that i can imagine so like shaving just tiny little chunks so i have every version of facial hair that i could get and then getting out of the shower and taking pictures in between each one or like coming in from the patio how long did you lie to me yeah go on what david how long was it i know where you're going ian i think i know exactly

where it doesn't take a long but like so if i a, if I have a long enough beard, I'll do it with everything. Yes. You're going to ask if I just ask me. Have you done a Hitler mustache? Yeah, I have. Yes. Yeah, you have.

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. Thank you. Thank you. I have too. And I just do it to prove to myself that I did not like that. That's what I do every time. I'm like, no.

And then I shave it right off. That's the last thing I do. That's my dude right there. Sometimes you can like, I'll get crazy and i'll do the no mustache everything else sometimes i'll do sideburns into a neck waterfall it's oh really fun and then one time the next time you're doing this will you uh will you send us pictures of it of course if i didn't think that nobody wanted to see him and then and then maybe i can make stickers out of them. Shane, you can do that all you want. And then if that makes you money somehow, I'm thrilled about it.

The southern wind didn't make you any money. It won't. But I do the goatee, the butthole thing, and that looks in... I look like such a prick when I shave. I just don't know how people do that and leave and they're like, that's exactly what I want to look like. just don't know how people do that and leave, and they're like, that's exactly what I want to look like. I don't know. But anyway, I do love doing that,

and it's maybe the biggest waste of time you could get, but it's fun. Fantastic. And Shane Torres, the final pick of the draft. For my final pick. Relationships off the board. Well. Gosh. relationships off the board well gosh I uh

I picked lying you do lie you do lie just to like see how long I can get people to think I'm telling the truth about stuff you love this I don't think you think this is a waste of time

but I'll give it to you this is a waste of time but but i'll give it to you it's a waste it's a waste of someone's time it wastes my goddamn time thinking you're a golden gloves boxer i don't even know i bet you aren't an opera train it's like a trained opera singer but i have no idea what to trust anymore you told phoebe bottoms once that you were like i studied applied mathematics yeah oh yeah man it's hilarious to me i don't know why yeah that is funny because it's harmless and i tell you it's so believable you yeah you don't say crazy shit you just be like you know mike tyson designed that building i'm like he might i mean that's a little unbelievable you know my tyson's a benneigan's if you say it with enough gusto though

that's so funny yeah like lying is just it makes me laugh inside the whole time I feel like I'm getting away with something yeah that's fantastic Marissa do you have a pick yeah I clear storage off my phone totally that's really satisfying I didn't even know that was a thing? Yeah, I clear storage off my phone. Totally.

That's really satisfying. I didn't even know that was a thing you could do. I got to do that soon. Oh, yeah. I hate getting those notifications. Your phone's full and you're like, I'm going to go through and dive into all those group threads and see which ones I need.

I'm there a lot of the time. I'll tell you what won't be a waste of your time is going to see Shane Torres tape his special March 18th at the Sultan Room in Brooklyn, New York. i was waiting to see what you were gonna say two shows by ticket by one he's gonna do the first set in english the second in spanish see uh so you know by ticket to each you're gonna want to you're gonna want you can't go to both shows it's gonna be you know it's gonna be very good or mui bueno and that's just a taste

as peggy hill would say that's all you get for free that's no that's shane's version of mui tie he just he fights to recap for god's sake uh let me get that window back open there it is i went first i took video games long shower walking somewhere instead of driving browsing for sneakers and fake nba trades david you went second you took instagram worrying multitasking too much weed and waiting for the dvd screensaver to try to hit the corner sean you went third you took youtube going to the mall driving around drinking in that order, thankfully, shaving a beard into all sorts of different facial hairs.

Shane went last. He took church, re-watching things he's seen before, relationships, dating apps, and lying. You sound like a hooligan. You sound like a fucking pirate. The one thing about this podcast it really does, it really holds a mirror up to you. It's really reflective.

We did dating reflex and I was like, Oh my God. Much like the mirror in the green room at the Sultan room March 18th where Shane will be recording his special. Hit us up with your, uh,

pics at all fantasy pot on Twitter, all fancy podcast, the gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE, Patreon, the AFE, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to super producer,

Marissa on the ones and twos. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid, the dude, shut the Haji beats and more important than all of that. Tune in again next week to another brand new episode of all fantasy. Everything. Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode

of All Fantasy Everything. Shakakity! that was a hate gun podcast