All Fantasy Everything - Treats (w/ Shane Torres, Sean Jordan, David Gborie and Saint Sue Karmel)

Episode Date: September 28, 2017

We all work hard, for gosh sake, we deserve some treats every now and then. Here to draft those treats are host Ian Karmel, comedians Shane Torres, Sean Jordan and David Gborie, and a special guest appearance from Ian's mom, Saint Sue. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Did you start talking during the intro? I was going to open the LaCroix. I was like, wait. David just said out loud, wait, I shouldn't open this. Do it again. The podcast that just opened a LaCroix.

That's what we are. A blue LaCroix. A blue LaCroix. Oh, yeah, and unflavored. Unflavored. Oh, grosser than normal. No, it's gooder. No, I don't know. I'm not a LaCroix boy.

It's not a word. You're not a LaCroix boy? Not a LaCroix boy. Are you a Mountain Dew guy? I'm actually a LaQuadbra. LaQuad, no. I La Croix boy. Are you a Mountain Dew guy? I'm actually a La Croix bra. La Croix, no. I don't like that. Yeah, I got her to pronounce.

Marissa laughed. I got her. La Croix bra. La Croix bra. I don't like his moves out there today, brother. Why are you throwing doodoo paper at me now? Doodoo paper. I'm going to start calling it that.

Marissa only laughed at that because she just returned from Canada, which is the home of French Canada. It's also the home of weird chocolate bars. It is weird chocolate. I'll tell you this. They taste great, though. Well, they're delicious. Smarties in Canada are chocolate, whereas in the United States of America, they're sour.

Can I say that I like what they're doing up there? Yeah. I don't like the sour candy thing. You don't like sour candy? I think it is not what candy should be. I think it should be another thing. Sweets only. Sweets only.

Sean is over there biting his lip. Yeah. Warheads. You don't like candy that's sour? No. That's what I'm getting. You don't like Warheads? I don't like Warheads.

Where they're sour for a minute and then they go sweet? Where they're shockers? Is that what they're called? Oh, yeah. The Z? Those are off the chain. Listen to these names. Warheads. Shockers.

Sour Patch Kids even is a great name. Sour Patch Kids are the... David? Smarties, though. Smarties is a good name. We have a special guest in the studio, by the way. We have, all the way from Portland, Oregon, graduate of David Douglas High School,

lover of sour candy. Lover of sour candy. We have Saint Sue Carmel is in the studio. Yes. I'm going to put you on the mic real quick. Just talk about... What's your favorite sour candy, Sue Carmel? Saint Sue Carmel.

Smarties. Smarties. Smarties. Smarties are the best, yeah. And Smarties are the ones that are the little guys, right? I don't know. It looks like it's coming at me. It's a little scary. Don't be shy.

Lean right in. No. I'm painfully shy, so Smarties, I disagree with you, David, but... They always do. And I'm always right,

so you've got to back right off that. Maybe it should just be its own category is all I'm saying. As the best candy. What? Okay. I don't know what to do now. David, it's going to be hard to reenter the pageant without a face. It was just ripped off of you.

Clearly you've never had a pixie stick. Oh, I've gotten to the bottom of some pixie sticks. Okay, okay. I've had the big ones. That sounds like what a coke dealer would say. Like the diabetes ones, you know, the tall ones? Oh my God. The diabetes.

Hey, let me get a diabetes stick, please. Yeah, let me just get... I'm just going to cut my foot off with this thing. You know, Carmelone calls it a movie. I'm going to move this right back over to Wee Wee and Carmel. So Saints Who Carmel is in the studio. In the building. Yes.

Saint is in the building. Saint is in the building. By the way, don't give up hope on that Ballers recap podcast. It might just happen after the... Because we might have to start from episode one, season one. Oh, yeah. And do it... Is that not how...

I thought that was how it was going to go. I think that is how it was going to go. But people are hitting us up like it's been another week of ballers. Yeah. But we're not going to start episode nine, season three. You know what you should do? You should do it the way they do the Game of Thrones podcast on Bill Simmons. Like the binge mode one.

Yeah, yeah. So you could do all of them right before the next season starts. That makes sense. Yeah. And you can go each episode. That'd be a little more fun. You could see how it was ridiculous. Is Ballers going to get another season? Oh, come on. That makes sense. Yeah. And you can go each episode. That'd be a little more fun. You can see how it was ridiculous. Is Ballers going to get another season?

Oh, come on. Oh, God. What's going to happen if they don't? We're just going to be left in limbo? Dwayne Johnson's going to be not doing something. I live in a bubble. I like Ballers. I don't know if the world likes Ballers.

It's hard to say. I think the world kind of likes Ballers. I think that we love The Rock. Steve Guttenberg likes Ballers. I don't know if that's a glowing endorsement. Guttenberg's in shape. I was surprised by that. He's jacked.

He's shredded up. Was he always shredded? I feel like he was like a lovable nice guy, but who was also having- He was in that episode of Party Down, and that's when I saw that he was shredded. He wasn't lovable every man, but it's Hollywood, so he was probably also just shredded. That's what I think. You know how it is here. It's like when you see Ludacris with his shirt off,

and you're like, whoa, what the hell? Was he in line to be the next Tom Hanks, kind of? Yeah. Did they kind of occupy the same space in Hollywood? Yeah, and then Tom Hanks just took him out to the woodshed. Tom Ganks, dude. Tom Ganks ate his lunch right in front of him, dude. I think that Tom Hanks is kind of, because Gutenberg seems like sleazier.

He does a little bit. You know what I mean? Like Gutenberg feels like he would like make out with your girlfriend at a party. Tom Hanks introduced you to your girlfriend. Right. That is the difference. I think that's the difference. I feel like all the producers were like, do we want it to say Hanks or Gutenberg on the poster of Biggs?

Do we want it to say Gutenberg real big on the top or Hanks? Steve Gutenberg. Where does Michael Keaton exist on this plane of existence? I think he's his own thing. He's his own thing. I love him. He is his own thing now. I'm glad he found his own thing.

Was he always? No. He was a stand-up. Was Hanks at some point probably like jockeying for a position i could see that way more than hanks and gutenberg our friend's mom i don't want to say who dated michael keaton for a little while yeah we all it's not well she's half as good looking as her son then she totally could have pulled it i think zach could date michael keaton right now definitely date michael I think Zach could date Michael Keaton right now Zach could definitely

date Michael Keaton he could date Michael Keaton's mom yeah go to one of those parties one of those Hollywood parties and date Michael Keaton just in there

in Under Armour for some reason he is really killing it the past few years talk about a resurgence Michael Keaton yeah oh yeah

he you know he lives on a ranch I love him more now yeah I would do that too why not I would live on a ranch but I would pay more now. Yeah. I would do that, too. Why not? I would live on a ranch, but I would pay people to do all the ranch stuff. I just want the pretty horses.

Yeah, I want the pretty horses. I want to walk out on a balcony at like 6 a.m. with a cup of coffee. You know what I mean? Wearing like a sweatshirt from the college I went to. And just like, it's good to have land. And then like a sip, and then back inside. I want to walk around with a room. I want to be out walking with my wife on the property.

That's never going to happen. Yeah, one. Just one. Just one post hole and be like, yeah, I'll get the other guys up here. We'll get this done tomorrow. And then like my wife arches her back in the sun and she's just a silhouette. It's great. That is beautiful.

Go to the one. I've thought about these. Go to the one bar in town and drink cheap whiskey with cowboy poets. Yeah. Guys that really got something to say, but they're just never going to leave to say it. Yeah. They really got something to say. Guys you think are Trump voters, but could not hate him more for their sensibility.

Like that lady at the golf course. Well, let me tell you about my goddamn husband. Excuse me, Dixie. Could we get uh she's a real spitfire this gal could we get uh four tom collins please and your opinions on your husband in politics tom collins is no i was definitely gin and tonic uh in the studio today not only saint sue carmel at Sue Carmel on Twitter. Are you on Instagram, Ma? I think so. Probably at Sue Carmel on the gram. We have a man

who's half hour on Comedy Central absolutely I'm going to cuss for the first time in front of my mom. Right in front of your mom. Absolutely fucking crushed it. I think she would agree. Mom, do you want to cuss really quick? Oh, do something. Both barrels. Wait, wait, wait. What?

No, I didn something. Both barrels. Wait, wait, wait. No. Get in the microphone. Say fuck. Say the C word. Shane. Crap. Crap. Comedy Central?

No, you absolutely effing crushed it. Oh, yeah. That's as close as I'm going to get around my son. Oh, God. That's so sweet. It was a good set. It was a really good set. It was a great set. You can find it on the comedy central app yeah if you get it right now yeah it might be

leaked on the internet later illegally online or you can hear a lot of the same jokes if you buy established in 1981 sure shane torres's debut stand-up comedy album on comedy central records best cover in the game i wasn wasn't going to bring it up. Things that have been said about... You guys act like I drew it. I know. You had the final cut. Don't tell me you didn't.

Barry Blankenship did a great job. Barry the Archive, right? Yeah. He has a great job at everything, including making you feel good. I have a Barry the Archive print up in my room. It's of me. I think I look nice. You do look nice. You do look nice.

You do. You look fantastic. Yeah, you look great. Okay. Great album. Great special. So pick it up right now. You said my album cover looked like a version of me if they never started adding corn syrup

to food. During Prohibition was my favorite one. Maybe during Prohibition. It's just bullshit. You just look cut. You look jacked on the album cover That's because I'm jacked These people don't know what my Okay so we're just saying stuff in here now

Oh weird That's a different thing I'm doing a handstand the entire time we record these things You can't just say because I'm jacked We're all jacked Zach's just a little more jacked. I'm wearing a Code Red hoodie right now. Jacked to see it.

Not a Mountain Dew one. No, it's just a Target brand Code Red. Sean's down to his last hundred million dollars. It's a few good men tribute. Sean's down to his last hundred million. That's why he's always complaining about money. Shut up, Shane. At ShutUpShaneTorres on Twitter.

No, just at ShaneTorres on Twitter. At ShaneTorres on the gram, right shane torres on twitter at shane torres on the gram right syrup mountain still syrup mountain on the instagram uh anything to plug coming up this is gonna drop um i'll be with uh i'll be at red clay comedy festival in atlanta this coming weekend sure sure and i'll be in uh huntsville and birmingham monday tuesday going to the america no actually this won't this comes out next Thursday right yeah yeah so yeah Red Clay Comedy Festival and then two weeks later I'll be with Shawnee in Minneapolis

and Peoria before that if you're a fan of the podcast and you do come out to see Shane or I please walk up to him and don't say anything except sampler platter and then walk away somebody at Starbucks just called you sampler platter right that's not exactly they were like because it was after the conan set yeah he goes hey are you shane torres it was like oh yeah man yeah sampler platter dude it was the dude at a

starbucks yeah yeah big shouts out to you i shouted you out on twitter but in case you don't follow me oh shout out to you on the gram or or on the pod. Can we shout out to the couple who said that they've had sex to your voice? Oh, that was weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not in front of his mother, David. We can't. I'm sorry, that's what they said. We have to bring it up. It was a crazy thing.

They came to Good Looks. Very cavalier. That was on Twitter? No, it was in person. In life. Yeah. Twitter. It was in person after Good Looks. Did you introduce me to them? No, I introduced David to them. This was the last Good Looks. Yeah, this was on Wednesday.

And they came up and they were wiling out as hard as we do. Yeah. Yeah. They were really going for it. I thought it was great. It was awesome. It was a compliment. Yeah.

I just had never thought. It seems like a strange thing to have on when you're doing it i would do a podcast that is a i won't know until i get married but yeah i guess yeah have fun in hell everybody get married you'll put on planet money yeah cute you guys couldn't hear it but sue carmel saint sue carmel just said i was a good man i needed that needed that. And that was a real thing. Not like Shane being jacked. I'm getting there! You are getting there! You look fantastic. I didn't have ice cream for breakfast.

Did you? Yeah. You deserve it. You have Comedy Central hot dogs on Wednesday. You were treating yourself, as it were. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, which is prescient because that is what we are drafting today. Little treats for yourself. Shout out to Parks and Rec. Partially inspired by Parks and Rec. I think...

Wait, are you dressed? Yeah, full. Bar mitzvah and everything. I think it was... Yeah, I want to say... This is the voice people want to have sex. That's what I'm doing it for. I dare that couple to have sex to that part.

I think it was a might have been a listener's suggestion you know I'm almost there I'm almost there

who are you could have been was it might have been somebody on Twitter right in front of Saints who Carmel

were making these jokes she listens to every episode I know but she's not here for everyone I'm hiding it there's no hiding it she's from the window to the mall

you know she's heard it all so yeah we're drafting treats it might have been a listener suggestion I can't remember but if it was shout out to you but just little treats to do for yourself just nice little things We're drafting treats. It might have been a listener's suggestion. I can't remember. But if it was, shout out to you. But just little treats to do for yourself. Just nice little things.

Not necessarily treats as in ice cream for breakfast, although that could have been one of them. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that would have been a – although at this age, not as much of a treat as is a heavy, heavy burden on the rest of your day. Because you've got to do the rest of the day. Yeah. Well, then I have to be like – You're going to start off with ice cream? So is there a public bathroom at LACMA is what I need to ask myself. a great question what are you doing in this in this scenario it's a saturday i had ice cream for breakfast maybe i'm going to lakma later but i need to wonder it's a museum shane

no i'm not the los angeles canton museum of art it's great they're doing a shagal exhibit right now shout out to shagal big list big list Friend of the pod Chagall Just to You already know But David David Borey Hey hey Sitting across from me

The G is silent on Twitter Yes yes Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram Oh yeah Anything to plug Oh man I am not on my Not really

Come see us live Yeah come see us live Oh yeah Wednesday If you're in Los Angeles We we're doing a fun thing. HeadGum is doing a show at the Upright Citizens Brigade. This will be out the day after that. At UCB Sunset?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. This comes out the day after that. This comes out the day after that. Well, travel back. I hope we saw you there. Have had seen us.

Have had seen us. David will have a utility belt full of plain LaCroix. Yeah. Unflavored LaCroix. Why is that so bad? I just like the bubbles. I didn't say it was bad, David. I think maybe that's your own insecurity coming out. I think it is.

This is coming out the day after we do that show. I'm just going to say last night, we didn't even draft. We just sat there and drank a bottle of Cuddy Sark. Between the three of us, we had 20 minutes of stage time and we each drank a bottle of cutty sark also guys i love you i don't know if you guys can just be bringing me bottles of cutty sark that's it that's wild that's wild and loose that's that is a lot well like when we were watching by conan at club tg the other night the guy like he was like do you have cutty sark and the bartender was like no i, I don't think so.

And then he was like, hey, we do. Yeah, he had to go in the back. It's this dusty bottle. It was wrapped in a newspaper that said Nixon resigns. Oh, my God. Here's what. So don't bring David bottles of Cuddy sark or do if you want to but if you really want to transfer that energy into adding cuddy sark usa on twitter

yeah saying make david bore your spokesman because that's really the end game yeah that's what the goal is that's where we're going with it be up to my neck and sark yeah cuddy sark needs a spokesperson they need they need i'm the guy more than ever nope i'm the only person like a thing where like bruce lee had the idea for kung fu and then david carradine took it like carradine no i want you to be yeah i want you to be both of them you are both of them to me okay i appreciate it you're bruce lee mario lopez is david carradine he's gonna slide right in watch your your back. Watch the thrones. You never know who your friends are.

Jay-Z, Kanye West. Sean Jordan. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Say words, say words. Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on Instagram. Say words, say words. I had to share that with my coworkers the other day. Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan?

They were sitting in the break room and they're like, what's your gram? And I go, I didn't want to say it because I knew. I can't imagine there were anything short of thrilled with it. Yeah. Yeah, but it was like oddly, I said it and they're like, woo your uh what's your gram and i go i didn't want to say it because i i can't imagine there were anything short of thrilled with it yeah yeah but it was like oddly uh you know i said it and they're like what's a good handle like yeah sean crick and mel and joan it's great do they know you're funny yet at work i'm not i'm not i'm a i'm you would think i was a complete dickhead if you just saw me at work you'd be like who's that guy mugging you have been getting up at like what 5 a.m. every day this morning? Well, because I wanted to go see you at Conan, my friend.

I know, and I was going to say thank you. I was going to get to that, but you didn't have to. No, you didn't have to thank me. Sean's been getting up early and went to work early all week to come see me do Conan on Monday. It was very sweet. I mean, it was a treat for you to have me and seven other people in the green room. It was crazy how many people just started coming. They got that good popcorn.

They do have that good popcorn. Yeah, they do. And they have that good popcorn. Yeah, they do. And they have that good massage chair. Oh, yeah. Toscani wore that thing out. God. Toscani, who everyone probably assumed was like a third lead on Riverdale on the CW. They thought he was in 30 Seconds Tomorrow.

Kota was like, who's this guy? This is like Orlando Bloom. I know that guy. That's CW's songwriter. Publicist just walking up to him. So like, how's a new season beefed up. I know that guy. Publicist is just walking up to him. So like, how's the new season's coming up, right? Now, drastically changing topics real quick. I'll be in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, I think October 7th at Boss's Chicken and Pizza.

Wow. Doing a stand-up comedy show. And then I'll be with Shane at the 10,000 Lakes Festival. Again, please walk up and call him Sam. How far is Peoria from? It's a city, by the way. From Sioux Falls? Yeah.

Nine hours if you're driving as a crow drive? I'm there five, six, and seven. How long are you going to come right back, huh? No, I leave Monday the 9th. They probably want to hear about our travel.

Yeah, definitely. That's my birthday. Definitely could do this off-pod. Monday the 9th is my birthday. And I'll be back that night. So send me presents. Me and John Lennon. Oh, yeah.

Saying two points out. October 4th, Susan Sarandon, Pontius Pilate. Suzanne the Man Sarandon? October Pilate? How do they know Pontius Pilate's birthday? Did they even have October back then? I will be very honest. This happened, I heard that like 20 years ago when I was outside of a haunted house

and a fortune teller told it to me. So it might not be true. What the fuck are you talking about? A fortune teller sounds racist for some reason. I know it's not, but when you're like, yeah, this fucking fortune teller came up to me. That is the least credible. Yeah, why would you? But you know me.

I get a little, I have my stitches. If I was wearing a jacket and I walk up to a fortune teller outside a haunted house and she was like, you're wearing a jacket, I'd be like, you're full of shit. All right, here we go. October 28th birthdays i've oh julie roberts playboy oh me and julia she's turning uh she's turning 49 and i'll be turning 36 at las vegas oh yeah we're going to see jay-z in las vegas she's been present forever like not she's only 49 i know she looks she just seems like she's older she's been present forever. She's only 49? I know. She looks. It just seems like she's older. She's been around for so long.

I am Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. What do you got coming up? I don't really have anything coming up, man. I lost an Emmy. Hey, but you were nominated. I was nominated. Were you at the gym when you got nominated?

Yeah, I was. Yeah. I was at the gym when I got nominated. It could have been any day. I was at the gym when you got nominated? Yeah, I was. Yeah. I was at the gym when I got nominated. It could have been any day. I was at the gym when I lost. I was at the Emmys, but I was doing dips. Everybody got to get a chair. Just do the chair.

Doing that prison workout. Yeah. You won until they saw you working out, and they're like, I don't want that guy up here. They're like, if we hand that to him, it'll shatter his hands. In smash. I in smash come see come see

good looks the first and third Wednesday at UCB Franklin always fantastic always fantastic David Cross is doing the next one what

yeah really that's gonna be sick yeah hell yeah and then we just had Reggie Watson Matt Brunger

on the last one and then go to if you can if you can like like and subscribe to if you haven't done this to

all fantasy everything on uh itunes recommend us to your friends all that stuff retweet it yeah yeah retweet it marissa are there any other things i should tell them to do rate and review rate and review please please please five stars yeah if you give us anything less than a five star and I somehow find out who you are I'm gonna go to your house I'm gonna eat a burrito in front of you and not give you any Oh you heard him dude I'm gonna go to your house with a bottle of Cutty Sark

Break it open on the steps and threaten to fight you and your children And then I'll show up and apologize For what my friends just did But secretly he's the craziest one Yeah And then I'll go into your bathroom and sing a Whitney Houston song looking at myself in the mirror. Real loud. Yeah.

Real loud. I'll turn the shower on and throw my clothes in it, but I'll be naked singing in the mirror. Because I'm nuts, dog. He's crazy. Just crying. I don't read. I don't read. I never read a book, though.

Sean said yesterday he's read 40 books and then got really mad for some reason. Because you gave me so much shit about it. I don't know if you've read 40 books. David thinks I've read 100. David's like, you've read more than 40 books. I'm like, dog, I don't think I have. You have in your whole life you've read more than 40 books. Well, again.

What, it's like a textbook count? Yeah. From the root of to the tuna, you've read more than 40 books. Say it again? From the root of to the tuna. I'm trying it out. Does green eggs and ham count? Yes. That does not. Oh, it is a book!

It's a book! What are you talking about? I read Facebook every day and the Bible. Cover to cover. Those are the only books I read. A little bit of the Bible and all of Facebook. Green Eggs and Ham, that could be a treat for a certain kind of person, but we'll see if it gets drafted today.

On All Fantasy Everything. Live certain kind of person but we'll see if it gets drafted today on all fantasy everything live from head gum studios in the arts district in scenic los angeles california now to determine the draft order say a word we play a rollicking game of rock paper scissors put the emphasis on the rock this time we'll see it's season two like uh play between the three of you. Now, I'm going to say Rock, Paper, Scissors, and then you throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot. Oh.

Chantel Jordan. Chantel Jordan. Yuck. Scandalous Randallus with a sock Tandalous. Oh, dude. Suzanne Saran Dan the Man Stanton. Is determining the draft order. How will we be drafting today?

Before you pick, I have to remind you it is a serpentine draft. What type of draft is that? That's a great question. It's a serpentine draft. Let's say there was a guy on each side of the high school that your girlfriend wanted to cheat on you with. Go on. So she went to one side and cheated on you with one dude

and had to go all the way back to the other side to cheat on you with Joel. Yeah. His name's Joel. And then she went back and cheated on you again with the same guy. In between these two dudes, are there other dudes along the way that she's cheating on you with? Two other dudes. If it's my life, yeah. Yeah.

A lot. But I mean, point eight, as a crow cheats, yes. Yeah. As the crow cheats. yeah so she cheats on uh she cheats on you with joel stephen brett uh karen yeah it's 2017 and then karen again yeah yeah she drew a little oregano on it right karen gets a double down at the end right and then she actually moved in with karen and they adopted a kid yeah we're actually really happy with her yeah it's not a young Geronimo. I assume that's what they named the child. Yeah.

So just to roll the dice here, Shane's going first. Oh, my God. You're going second. Ian Carmel's going second. I'm going third. Shane, Ian, myself, David is the order. We're going reverse. And then, Mom, think about a treat, because you're getting a bonus pick.

Oh, definitely. Sprinkled in here somewhere. So just think of one. Just a nice little treat for yourself. I mean, what am I? Well, yeah, I'm not going to say it. Yeah. Stop.

Just give them away. So with the first pick of the, just a nice little treat, fantasy draft, all fantasy, everything. Shane, sampler platter, killed it on a half hour. Album available now established in 1981 on Comedy Central Records check it out on iTunes or Spotify

aka the Ticalian Stallion aka Syrup Mountain aka Wyatt Burp aka the Hispanic Titanic aka the Shane Train aka aka Young Kale AKA the Hispanic Titanic. AKA the Shane Train. AKA Young Kale.

Young Kale? Young Kale in my hair. Young Kale in my hair? AKA the Shane in Spain stays mainly in the Shane. AKA Young Jean Shorts. Young Jean Shorts. AKA the Adidas Killers. You don't get to do this Why not?

We're doing it We're doing it I don't see you stopping it Yes, I'm wearing jeans Jeans shorts is my treat Oh, they should be They're wonderful Will you make your goddamn pick already?

Alright, this is like a fairly specific one I don't know how people are going to feel about it Which is nothing new But when I go home to Texas and my mom does my laundry, it's like the nicest thing ever. That's beautiful. I don't know what it is, but she folds it better and it's cleaner and it smells better. I've never figured it out. I know what you mean.

You got to do smaller loads and put a little distilled vinegar in there. Is that true? Thank you very much ms stewart what vinegar why vinegar you put distilled just a little bit really just because that's sort of a natural like i think it's a deal you don't do it all the time you just do it like once per load every few times is that what your mom does sometimes no that's just what i learned on the streets. Man. Streets are with a street smell fresher than they used to.

Yeah, shout out to Marcella Arguello. She taught me how to do laundry at 30 years old. We gotta get Marcella on the show. Yeah, she would love it. Yeah, that is great. But that's not a treat for you. Oh, well, it's your laundry. I'm not buying my own treat, but it's still a treat. It's still a treat.

Okay, I understand. Yeah, because sometimes she'll put like rose It's still a tree. Okay, I understand. I understand. Yeah, because sometimes she'll put like rose water in there and stuff. Really? Yeah. That's some Irish shit. Yeah. She's very Irish.

Katie Fitzgibbon never heard a podcast in her life. St. Katie Fitzgibbon. St. Katie Fitzgibbon. What the fuck is iTunes? Queen of the Southern Counties of Ireland. County Cork. What do you mean, Stitcher? Have you been to Ireland, Shane?

Yeah, twice. Oh, cool. Once when I was nine, once when I was like 12 or 13. You got to go back. I feel like that's on the way. I feel like it should. I'm always afraid. My mom's like, you'd have to go see your family.

And I'm like, I don't. God, I'd love to meet them. I don't know those people. I mean, I know them, but I don't know. I know they're probably good people, but I'm afraid here comes our giant American cousin just smashing all of our nice wooden beds. I'll go to Ireland with you. I got connects in the UK, dude.

That would be fun. Whoa. You got UK connects? I got UK connections. I mean, I would love it, I'm sure. United Connections with a K. I'd love to meet an Irish girl. Oh, yeah.

They're my kryptonite, dude. Translucent redheads. Oh, dude. Translucent redheads. Oh, yeah. Translucent redheads. Will you go over there together? We never get either one of you back. Yeah. We lose you.

An unfillable hole in the American comedy community. Because we both die at Jordan's pub. Jordan's pub. My dad took a photo. There's probably not a tourist's pub over there. No, but I did go to a- What if there was just a little bit darker Irish guy who owned a pub that looked like partially Mexican? I did go to a Polish slash Mexican food place in London.

So maybe. Oh, my God. Polish slash Mexican. How gross was it? It was good. Was it like sausage quesadillas? I barfed later that night, but it was good. I barfed.

Well, it was separate. It wasn't a fusion, but you could get pierogies or a quesadilla. Okay. It was tight. It was separate. It wasn't a fusion, but you could get pierogies or a quesadilla. Okay. It was tight. It was tight. I suppose the pierogi is kind of like the Polish quesadilla. A dumpling is universal. Yeah.

Everybody likes that. You know, it's fun to break down a conversation between friends and go from your mother doing your laundry to pierogi. Pierogies. It's fun. It's fun. And how'd you get there? Well, we have it recorded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is an evolutionary ladder. We got a map. There are no missingis. It's fun. It's fun. And how'd you get there? Well, we have it recorded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is an evolutionary ladder. We got a map out. We got a map out. No missing links. It is not... I... Well, there's two things going on here.

One is a thing that men often do is pretend they're not as good at folding or doing laundry so they don't have to do it so they can get into household labor. I don't know how this works. But now that I live alone, I sincerely don't know

how to fold clothes that well. I'm getting there. That's the hardest thing for me, too, is fold... I don't know how this works. But now that I live alone, I sincerely don't know how to fold clothes that well. I'm getting there. That's the hardest thing for me too. Yeah. I don't have like, I don't have one way that I fold everything.

So I'll put all my shirts together, but like, they're folded six to, because I just like run it. You got a nine foot pile of shirts, it's eight shirts. And if you have something with a different collar,

like you can't, it doesn't stack as well. It's like, like I roll up my t-shirts now when I go on the road. Yeah, because it's for space. You do it like you're throwing them out at a Warriors game or something.

Yeah, that's exactly how I do it. Yeah, I bundle them up. But when I get home, it's a trash. Nothing, I can't figure it out. It's so much easier to live out of a suitcase. When you go into a gap and you're like, maybe this large will fit. And then you're like,

it's not going to fit. And then you just try to put it back together. They look at you like you're the dumbest person who's ever made it. Your little shame pile of all the shirts that didn't fit you. No, you put it on the wrong. And they're just like, I got it. Go fix it. Sometimes when I go back home, we need you over here. My mom will just go upstairs and

just grab my laundry and it'll be done when I get back. When I trip in at like three in the morning and she's like, well, you're a little tipsy. And I'll open my door and the laundry is done. And I'm like, I'll almost cry. Yeah. That's like, you're the best. I always like, I'll fly out early. So like, I'm tired when I get in, I'll take a nap.

And like, my mom would just be like, here, give me your laundry. And it's just like, oh, Katie. We have, I mean, we have an expert in the studio. We do. Yeah. So mom, how come it's always better when moms do the laundry? There's a microphone coming at you. Oh, God.

It's all right. Embrace it. You're doing it. Because when your mom does your laundry, she's visualizing her little child. And so when you put a shirt out in front of you and you fold the arms down, you're smiling because you're thinking of your child. I'm going to cry. And it's true.

And so you want everything to be smooth and perfect and you fold it up neatly and it reminds you that they're still yours. They're still your babies, no matter how far away they go. So the trick is, I call my mom right now. It's love.

It's actually love. It's actually love. It's actually love. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. And moms like nothing better. There's nothing better than having your kids' laundry. Now Ian never stays with me, so I don't get to do it anymore. On blast, dude.

On blast. The watch is going to pull the microphone away now. He doesn't stay. How's the deal? No. He doesn't stay. How's the deal? I drop him off at the hotel and his laundry. I don't want to stumble in at three in the morning. I wouldn't care.

And I'll fly to Portland with clean clothes. Yeah, but when you're here a few days, they could freshen up. And I wouldn't care if I heard you coming in at three. It would make my heart full. Otherwise, I just know you're out there somewhere and I'm alone. Oh, man! There's the body shot.

Now you want to take the microphone? Down goes Frazier! Holy crap. Eat your words. That was Buck. Just kidding. Just kidding. Off the mic.

Just kidding. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic.

Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic.

Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic. Off the mic.

So I have the... You have the second pick. I have the second pick. I was gonna pick So I have the second pick. I'm going to pick staying at a hotel. Staying at a motel. Is that on there? Holy crap, that's awesome. I love it.

Did you really pick staying at a hotel first? No. Because I know you love hotels. I love it. Did you really think staying at a hotel first? No. Because I know you love hotels. I love hotels. I love them. Did I tell the Kevin Durant story on the pod? No. No.

I love it, though. I was staying at the Nines in Portland. Down the street from my mom's house. Literally down the street. A mile down the street. It's the nicest hotel in portland baby nominated for an emmy at the gym as nice as a mother's love yeah not anywhere in the universe is that but i uh funny funny i should mention jim i was at the gym at the carmelton this could have been any day of the week because you're there every day. I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it was. I mean, if you're there every day, it's blurred together.

This is your morning or afternoon workout. This was my fresh off the plane workout. Legs? It was a hotel gym. It's a nice hotel gym, but it's more of a smattering because you can't really focus the way I like to focus. As someone who does go to the gym every day. There's no chains on the barbell. Right.

No, no, no. You got to bring it. It's a BYO chain situation. Oh, gosh. The yuck. Chain Taurus? I had a real hard workout. I was very sweaty.

And I got on the hotel elevator to go back up to my room. And it went up one floor. It was kind of a crowded elevator. So I got in. But everybody then kind of created a bay around me because I was very sweaty. I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it went up one story and the doors opened and uh there was a seven foot tall man standing there

whoa who goes by the name of kevin durant slim reaper slim reaper uh the servant the durantula the durantula uh and two of his two of his dudes and uh one of his guys was like you have a good workout and i looked at him i was like i did then the doors closed, and I went up to my room. That was, did you, I've seen Kevin Durant in person one time. Yeah. I feel like when you see him move, he looks like a sea monster. Do you feel that way? Like, there's something about, like, his hands.

It's all. It's like, he, like, glides. Yeah. It's very, like, wispy. Yeah, it looks like a sea monster. Yeah, it doesn't look glides. Yeah. It's very like wispy. Yeah. It looks like a sea monster. Yeah. It doesn't look quite human.

No. Yeah. It's supernatural. Yeah. It is. It's supernatural. And he's so, because he's not just tall. He's also like not a clumsy dude.

He like moves very fluidly. And he's tall. And those limbs are so long and he's so skinny. Yeah. He's very like calm. That might be the most impressive thing about him because I've met people that are super tall and you're like, you are a klutz. Klutzes. Yeah. Because they're seven feet. Yeah. I's very like calm. That might be the most impressive thing about him because I've met people that are super tall and you're like, you are a klutz. Klutzes.

Yeah. Because they're seven feet. Yeah, I get it. But that's what's impressive about him is that he's just so fluid and moves so well. Like the Storm and Mormon Sean Bradley or even perhaps the Flying Dutchman Rick Smith. There you go. Two clumsy guys. What I will pick.

In sync is what we are. Let's hear it. What I will pick. Wasn't even a pick. Two picks in oh yeah well we we rip them out and later uh i'm going to but going to the grocery store and buying yourself junk food uh-huh to eat just to eat i know that's like almost a literal treat but like now when i go to the grocery store i'm thinking very like i want to be like healthy i'm 32 now you get nice stuff too i noticed when I go to the grocery store, I'm thinking very like I want to be like healthy. I'm 32 now. You get nice stuff too, I noticed, when you go to the grocery store because you got a little change. A little money coming in.

You know? I had some vegetables. Some like good cheese and stuff. Some good cheese. But I'm not even talking good. I'm just talking about like you go in there and like buy a queso dip and there's no special occasion. And you're just like, this is going to be a problem. I'm just going to eat a fucking queso dip. You're looking at it. You're like, most of this is gonna be a problem later. I'm just gonna eat a fucking queso dip.

You're like, most of this is going on my knuckles, but I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, invent a better queso bowl. I feel like we've talked about this. We've talked about this before. But man, you gotta get that sauce game right. It's crazy. I don't know what's going on. I'm in there looking like I got a pink ring made out of queso. But it needs to be a wider top. It should be a wider top.

So, when you microwave glass, it's so fucking hot. So hot. Don't make it glass. I like to mic the queso dip. I didn't mean to swear, but I'm passionate. Sue, I didn't mean to swear. I'm passionate about the topic.

Mom's got queso dip. She gets it. But also, why are we not putting it in a bowl? Why is no one moving containers from this? Because you can't. Because it doesn't come out the right way. I don't want a whole bowl of queso. The jar makes it through the night most of the time.

Not only is a lot of that going to be left in the jar, a hell of queso is going to still be stuck on that spoon because you can't get it off of that either. And you've got to rod on the spoon. Transfer maybe? Man. Sometimes I take the spoon, I run it around, and then I put some chips on top. Oh yeah. Oh.

Make yourself a little queso crumble. Yeah. Like a little queso crumble. Oh, you got to use a rubber scraper. Oh, my God, like the frosting thing. You got to have a rubber scraper to do that. That makes sense. That's right.

That makes sense. See, there's that wisdom. Rubber scraper, rubber spatula. We could have been In this room together For a hundred years Yeah we were in there Using barbecue for it Oh no we would have been like

You gotta freeze it And then break the glass We would have been on that Like a ball peen hammer Wait for it to defrost You gotta get Strain it You gotta get liquid nitrogen

Right You know how like In the science class You have to oil your transfer bowl Before you pour it Yeah make sure It's so important You oil it This is gonna be weird It helps if you pee in it You gotta get liquid nitrogen, right? You know how like a science class... You have to oil your transfer bowl before you... It's so important you oil it. This is gonna be weird. It helps if you pee in it just a little bit. And then shake it around.

Yeah, just to grease it up. Like the way Moist Saloo used to do before. It's not bad for you and you can't even taste it. But just going to the grocery store and giving yourself the green light. When I go, I feel guilty. I try not to buy junk food so I don't have it in the house because if it's in the house, I'll eat it. Giving yourself that green light because i'm so when i go i feel guilty i try not to buy junk food so i don't have it in the house because if it's in the house i'll eat it yeah but giving yourself that green light to just go in there and get some stuff you know you're gonna love maybe you get like some queso

dip maybe you get some of those soft pepper farm cookies you know and it's like relent under your teeth my new thing with that is the uh the oreos the the vanilla Oreos. Oh, yeah. I love those. Those things are great. Sure. I know I look like I give myself that green light often, but it's not. I've been eating salmon. You did. I've been eating kale.

You made me almost think I might like seafood the other day. I cooked up a mean salmon. It looked amazing. I grew up in a salmon house. I hate seafood. I just cooked salmon last week, too. And I didn't even do much to it. You don't need to do much to it. God marinated that in the ocean.

A smoked fish might be more up his... Oh, a smoked fish. I'll tell you what. I went to Greenblatt's. Oh, yeah. Their whitefish is legit great. The last person you'd expect to be a whitefish man in here is the whitefish man. I'll tell you when I like seafood.

When you come up with a dish called Salmon Diane. Salmon Diane. Oh. All right. All right. All right. Come on. Coming up next. all like seafood when you come up with a dish called salmon diane salmon all right all right all right come on coming up next uh is that what we're doing with that kind of podcast i didn't hear you say it i'm just saying i'd like yes i'd like some salmon diane please oh my god he's so happy about that. He's staring at me. I'll have some Jack and Gil.

I don't want to play. The podcast is over now. We can't do it anymore. Thanks for listening to 51 episodes. I'm passionate about this stupid Sam and Diane. We made it to 51 episodes. That sounds like a good fish dish right there. 51 episodes, all fantasy, everything.

Gunned down in its prime. Like John Dillinger. Oh, now I brought in pre-written. Sean Jordan. Sean Jordan's first movie. Gun down in its prime rib, is that what you said? Oh, man. Get out of here.

Move back to Portland and open a food cart with that stuff. Yeah. I will. It's going to be called Gangster Wraps, and it's going to be wraps. I'm so angry. It would make make money i know it would make money that's why i make money let me get a snoop dogg gangster if you now you and we're talking about you me personally sioux falls sure that's where i'm from six foot two handsome white guy oh my god thank you opened a food cart called gangster apps in portland oregon in 2017 might not fly the roof would cave in you would be you would be on all sorts of cultural

appropriation lists all this sort of stuff especially because you spell gangster with a and raps with a z yeah r-a-p-z and i wear a ski mask when I'm cooking. So you may not open that food cart, but what you are going to do is make the third pick of the first round. I am going to make the third pick of the first round. And it's going to be a little way I like to treat myself is purchasing things at the movie theater. Oh, like I don't give a shit. Oh, I like that. It makes me feel it makes me enjoy the movie. I love movies. I'm a movie guy. I'm a movie man. He's one of those movie It makes me feel, it makes me enjoy the movie. I love movies.

I'm a movie guy. I'm a movie man. He's one of those movie guys. I'm a movie man. He's the guy who likes movies. None of us do. Nope. I've never met one of you guys before.

I'm a movie man. I've seen it all. He is more than most a movie man. He's more than most a movie man. Some might call me a Cinebuff. A Cinebuff. A Cinebuff. You can catch Sean Jordan on Doug Loves Movies every now and then.

Sean Loves Movies. That's the craziest movie. That's what they're going to change it to. You know what gym I go to is the movie theater. They should change it. He goes to the Jim Caviezel star of Passion of the Christ. We say Passion in the Cinebuff world.

Passion de Cristo. That sounds weird. So, Kelly Jordan, St. Kelly Jordan, one of the things, the only bad thing she ever taught me to do was to sneak shit into the movie theater. Oh yeah. And now. It's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. That's savvy.

Yeah. Well, you know. But then you got like two cargo short pockets with a loose Swedish fish. And you're walking, you're walking really slow. Just like a plastic bag filled with yogurt. You got one of those chef boyardee cans with a pop top in one of your pockets well it's funny my favorite snack at the movies is just a couple a couple little cartons of tic tacs so i just eat the whole thing at the movie if you hear that sean jordan is behind you the movie theater it just it makes the movie a little more fun when you go stand in line and you get like a soda and some Sour Patch Kids.

Some Sour Patch Kids, I said, David. Listen, I'm not. Sour Candy. I got nothing to say. Movie Thirder. Oh, get yourself a Century Dog? You're living. Pat Jordan was. I do like when you just throw down like 25 bucks at that rate. Yeah. Which is basically a soda. Yeah, I

hate it. I took my little brothers to the movies a few years ago. All three of them spent $120. Yeah, dude. Because I was like, big bros got this. Run amok. And they didn't even go crazy. They didn't go nuts.

It was like a hundo. They were just putting little ketchup packets on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking at you. It does get thick expensive. We went to, Ian and I went to, what was it? Zero Dark 30, I think we went to at the Lloyd Center. And Ian goes, it was something like, he goes to the kid, he goes,

is your large popcorn really $11? The kid's like, yeah. And he goes, I guess I'll have an $11 popcorn. It was so goddamn funny. You know what is nice now is the Alamo Drafthouse and those kind of movie theaters. And a nice whiskey. You're still spending almost the same amount of money. Maybe $5 more for a much better experience.

You get like a lamb shank. Yeah. You can really get like crazy stuff. You get like a mudslide and a crepe. Yeah. I had like a jerk chicken sandwich and aso. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Like a mudslide and a crepe. Yeah. I had like a jerk chicken sandwich in ASO. Really? Yeah.

And it was like, it was like only like, it was like 30 bucks with me and my friend. As opposed to, yeah, it would have been 25. I was in there. I got like a really nice butterscotch fondant sort of thing and a quail. And they let me pick the quail. Quail? They brought the cage. There's like eight quails. And they were like, which quail, sir?

By name, they named him. Yeah. Rodney. And then they challenged the quail to a duel, but they gave the quail an unloaded gun. Yeah. There were bullets. You guys did thing back to back. I missed the movie, but the real show was that quail.

I killed that quail. Ten paces, quack to quack. Man. Should I leave? What? What happened to you? Should I just get out of here? the movie, but the real show was that quail. I killed that quail. Ten paces, quack to quack. Man, you... What? What happened to you? Should I just get out of here? What's going on? Are you okay? I'm on a good one right now. Alright. I like it. I like that I hate it. No, I don't like it. I feel good about it.

I don't like it. I love it. I like that you're not backing down from it. Yeah, you know. Quack to quack. Sometimes I walk in the rain with no umbrella and I just let things ride. You ever think two bad doctors have had a conversation where they've just been like... Your Sioux, the tribe Sioux, not my mom. Walks in the rain with no umbrella?

My dad used to call me, runs along the bank and never falls in. Oh. My dad called me stupid. Because my dad was a racist. My dad mostly talked about himself All compliments though Great names he gave himself Fiercer than the gavel He can never hear this

But he never will uh purchasing stuff with the movie it is great you also get some exotic snacks you know snow caps where else in the world yeah exactly where i was going right yeah yeah i don't even know if you can buy those anywhere else yeah they're only at the movies well because you know you're gonna share them too i think they're just the stuff they find on the movie theater floor and sweep up. That's what snowcaps are. Yeah, they just emulsify them. They just put like a Wonka machine and all this shit.

Convection on top of them and there you go. Yeah, buying stuff at the movie theater. So you don't like to sneak stuff in anymore. Is that true? No, I'll still do it. I'll sneak in stuff they don't have like jerky or things like that. I've been, yeah, get me down. Catch me at Los Feliz 3. Yeah, I'm like that at Highland Park yeah get me down catch me at low spiel is three

yeah i'm like just a pocket full of loose whiskey you know you got whiskey in a ziploc bag for some reason i just pour whiskey all over my hair i just took a shower i can't go to movie all of a sudden squeezes the sock oh that's close that's close to shirt whiskey right there zach will uh i hope i'm not airing him out. I don't think I am. He'll bring like a vape pen. Yeah. With the marijuana in it. That sounds like a Zach move. Yeah.

Mr. Marijuana. Mr. Marijuana. He loves it. He's a fan. I love it too. I don't know why I'm talking like that. I do too. But like.

I don't need drugs to have a good time. I just need a lot of alcohol. It's because you're not cool. Shit. Quack to quack? I'll tell you who it's cool. I don't know if doctors have ever had, two bad doctors have ever had two bad doctors quack to the future like between you and me quack to quack howard the duck should have been called quack to the future what is happening when i go to when i go to uh high school i put my back quack on no come on man sue laughed and that's all i give a fuck about to high school, I put my back quack on. No. Come on, man. Sue left

and that's all I give a fuck about. Whoa! Whoa! We can drop for a day. Let's not drop hard Fs. God, that was a hard F. Jeez Louise. Tarantino, yeah, we're getting my brother over here.

I didn't mean to. I'll be quiet for a while. I'm the soft cell, he's the hard cell. I'm going to be quiet for a while. Alright. Good quack, for a while. I'm the soft cell. He's the hard cell. I'm going to be quiet for a while. Alright. Good quack, bad quack. Good quack. Is this even a rhyme? Oh, man. I'm quacking up. I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it. Good flock, bad flock? That's a little... CoolGuyJokes87, it's time for your first pick. Okay. My first pick. I just did this for the first time like a month ago, and it felt so good. Yeah. Bought a social media targeted ad.

Oh, yeah. They targeted something to me. It was a pair of shoes when I was scrolling through Instagram, and I bought them shoes. Wow. It is so bad. Really? It was the coolest feeling.

I've never done that before i've never had the faculties to just be like i got a credit card now i could just i could just i could just get what kind of shoes were these new balances they haven't come in yet oh nice yeah but they were just like it was in instagram and it was like an it was like a sponsored thing yeah but it was like you know how they target it towards you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I almost bought one last night at my show, but then I was like, you got to slow down, kid. At least wait until the new balance show up. Yeah, yeah.

You could have multiple things coming to you. Yeah, I was like, I usually got some shit in the mail. Yeah. Yeah, I love having some shit in the mail. I usually have some shit in the mail, too. It's the best feeling. There's usually something coming in. I don't even check tracking numbers anymore i just want to be surprised yeah oh like i come home like oh shit i got a t-shirt it's never anything like

crazy um most of my targeted ads and maybe this is mostly just facebook but they're like uh so stupid they're like really they'll be like, yeah, it's a comedy writer thing. You don't understand. Cause like, yeah, it's like stuff like that. Or like, uh, writers do it against the wall or whatever.

It's all those kinds of words. Like they just like, there's some algorithm where they find out what your job is and then just target the ad, like towards your job. Like real Kings are born in October. Like you want me to buy it? I'm supposed wear that i'm gonna wear that i'm gonna get that laser i wonder how ours are so different than because my target ads are like dope

no they'll give me like like philson t-shirts yeah yeah that makes sense mine is like i'll get like like what i almost bought the other day was a rizza bobby digital hoodie because it was just like they had it in my size on Instagram. That's amazing. Yeah. It's like it's always like hip hop stuff for like like like for a while that I was getting a goofy movie T-shirts. What?

Which is my favorite animated movie. Oh, that's crazy. Does it say that anywhere? What? Online? That it's my favorite? No. That's the weird thing.

But they offered me. But you scream it at your computer a lot. I that's the thing your microphone big brother shirt off yeah i'm gonna scroll through instagram with my see what they got for you until i get until i get a targeted ad i've never had a targeted ad on instagram you've never had one oh is that where it says like sponsored it yeah i didn't know you could buy that but it's like yeah but it's like why i've never had it be something you can purchase it's just like uh well i don't want facebook has them too facebook has them too facebook has crazy yeah on the book they always have skate shoes because i get a little tore up and uh i'll just go look at skate shoes that i

can't buy that's what always like don't you wish you could have these i think that's how they got me is i would do that before i would just get drunk and like, you know, window shop. Yeah. And then after a while, they just figured me out. I don't want to say what mine is because it might be like a competition to one of our sponsors, but it's like... This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel.

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or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save that's policygenius.com vegan hat vegan hat i don't understand what you're saying Vegan hat? Blake Weldon. I don't understand what you're saying. Blake Weldon. I don't know. It's like a hat they're trying to sell me with an M on it. Nah.

Yeah, don't buy it. Yeah, don't buy it. You failed, vegan hat. Deal with it. I shan't. You know what? I shan't. Yeah, see?

Like, I just got a Roots hoodie. The Roots hoodie. That looks way better. I don't know. What do I need to do? What are you spending your money on? Me? Yeah. Lots of stuff, dude. Bottles of alcohol.

Johnny Blue, playboy. Don't bite the hand, my friend. That was so sweet, by the way. I can't say thank you enough. I was showing up with a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue last night. Mr. International player with the passport over here. Just fanning all six chambers out.

Bought a bottle of Johnny Blue last night. Crazy. For anyone out there that hasn't had Johnny Blue, go ahead and get like nine people together and buy a bottle of Johnny Blue. We drank a lot of it, and I'm not that hungover. No. I woke up at nine.

That's why. I woke up spry. I texted Sean and danced. Well, that's what happens when you get hell expensive liquor is like it sits better. You don't have a headache. You don't get hung over because it's processed better than the $7 bottle of Canadian whiskey I purchased.

Which we also drank. It also segues into my second pick. The kid's on task. My second pick, first pick of the second round I'm going drinking top shelf all night all night that is a good one I usually save it for like a comedy festival

when I'm showing off I got that base coat of all the free past and then I'm like I'm only going to buy four drinks tonight I almost said but they're going to be like. Good. And two of them might be doubles.

I like that most of you are like, only four drinks is a lot. Put some Kettle One in there. Why not? You know. Yeah. It's like a. Yeah. It's the best feeling of like.

Because then that bartender doesn't know me. I could just be a Kettle One guy from way back. Right. You know what I mean? You don't know where I'm from. As far as he knows, nothing but Kettle One has ever touched your lips. Yeah, and I got this performer badge. Yeah.

I could have grown up on Kettle One. Who the hell is this guy? Who is this fucking guy? Who is this guy? This guy in this notorious B.I.G. t-shirt drinking all my Kettle One. And he's just sitting there like his voice sounds familiar. Yeah. And then on Monday he's like, oh, I should listen to the new podcast.

Oh. He just squints and says sampler platter. We were at one of the Comedy Central parties and Ramon Rivas, we were sitting there and he's like, what do you want? Because it was free. They bought the bar, you know?

I get buck when they buy the bar. He goes, what do you want? I was like, just give me a shitty whiskey. And he's like, I gotcha. He's like, because he doesn't drink. He points at the top and he goes, whatever. What's that whiskey on the like at the very top. And they told him and he goes, I'll take a double of that. It was like 80 bucks is what it would have been.

And then I took it like a shot and he got so mad. You got to do that because I used to be like that, too. Like, I remember being at the improv when I first moved to L.A. and Comedy Central was like, we bought the bar. But they don't like tell everybody you know yeah yeah and you're like oh could i have a a half a half a gin right yeah yeah thank you comedy central let me get a half a gin i'll split a red bull with nine other people yeah and now i'm just like whiskey shots for everybody i know i don't give a shit i've known for strangers pulling people off the street i at montreal

when we did we same year comedy central lost more money on I, at Montreal, when we did, we same year. Comedy Central lost more money on me drinking at Montreal than they did on the pilot. That's for sure for me too. That's 100%. I drink them out of house. I'm up there,

I'm up there, I'm like, I have like herbals and like whatever, just weird stuff. Yeah. Let me get a shot of energy in there. That chrysanthemum liqueur.

I'm getting actual cocktails. And you're still tipping the bartender in like weird heavy canadian yeah yeah yeah here's is that money and they're like that's money i'm like cool take whatever these coins you want see-through they're going crazy i remember that they had that big screen up like the bars on us yeah people were like guessing the tab yeah that's a big game they play yeah i don't want to guess that shout out to Comedy Central. Yeah. I've definitely, they've definitely paid me more in alcohol than they have in money.

Yeah. For sure. Or about even. Maybe that'll change, but who knows? They've paid me a lot in money, and I still think it's the alcohol. Still? They've paid me, yeah, in alcohol and whatever meats they bought up in Montreal. Yeah. Those smoked meat salads. Smoked meats. Was it like a charcuterie situation? they've paid me yeah and alcohol and and whatever meats they bought up in montreal yeah yeah those

smoked meats was it was it like a charcuterie situation no i know i haven't had a charcuterie since with you guys and i think it's a nostalgia if you're hanging out with me you're gonna get a charcuterie i love i just love that we had charcuterie at the u.s open the other day no we didn't go to the u.s open you can't did. Open the other day. You guys went to the U.S. Open? No, we didn't go to the U.S. Open. You can't. Oh, you were gone. Wait, you guys went to the U.S. Open? No, we watched the U.S. Open at the crib.

Oh, that's still pretty cool. You were out of town, but I made a little charcuterie plate. Did you make it yourself? For the culture. Are you curing meats? No, but I bought meats. Okay. Were there meats?

Oh, no, this was mostly a, this wasn't a charcuterie plate. Cheese and crack. Wait, what is charcuterie? This was a cheese plate. What is charcuterie actually? Charcuterie is a. It's the meat. You gotta have the meat. Yeah, it's a variety of. Oh, I just thought it was like a. Aged plate. This was a cheese plate. What is charcuterie actually? Charcuterie is a... It's the meat. You gotta have the meat.

Yeah, it's a variety of... Oh, I just thought it was like a... Aged meats. Plate of stuff. No. It's like the... It's the cured meats, right? Yeah, cured meats.

Who called it... I know it's not charcuterie, but it's kind of similar. Who called it a crudite plate? Crudite. Crudite. Had to be you. I never said that word in my life in conversation. It's a crudite.

It's a crudite. I think it was like... Somebody was like, I'll have the crudite plate. I've never said that in public, but I used to think that probablyudity i think it's like somebody was like i'll have the crude i've never said that in public but i used to think that probably yeah i could see myself the amount of way i read words wrong in my head yeah it's insane caution to the wind we were talking about spelling things and how we have to say it in our head and uh when i spell business like if i type it i have to say busyness oh yeah i was saying, I have to say busyness. Oh, yeah. I have to say bus in S. I have to do Wednesday. Yeah.

Wednesday. Jan-ru-wery? Jan-ru-wery. Or was it February? February. It's February. It's already. Red towel, Ron.

Yeah, I had to do the same thing like March. We were having that conversation. March. And then I spell it exactly like it sounds. Horse divorce, which is hors d'oeuvres. Oh, I have never tried to spell hors d'oeuvres a day in my life Hors D'oeuvres It's hours though right

You think they can spell hors d'oeuvres It's H apostrophe It's H apostrophe O-R-S D Apostrophe O-U O-U V

R-E-S I think Hors d'oeuvres But there's a D It's D apostrophe, right? We should bomb France. Yeah. Knock it out.

I'm sure he's getting there. Top shelf all night. Top shelf all night. I love it. David, top shelf all night is a good name. That's what they call me. Top shelf all night. We're getting there.

Just age-wise where it should be. It should be a top shelf all night kind of thing. I don't have to drink the cheapest. There were so many years where I would go in the bar and be like, what's your cheapest beer shot combination? So many nights at the Standard in Portland, Oregon. Drinking a kind of whiskey. I'm not sure you can even buy from a store.

It tastes like, I mean, I think it's better for cleaning floors than it is. Whatever the Standard sells, whiskey-wise, is horse piss. It is so bad. You could not drink for like a month and have like a good day and be like, you know, I'm excited for this like gross shot of whiskey. And then you get there and you take a sip and you're like, it's the worst thing I've ever had. Is it like old crow? It tastes like an allergy headache. Yeah.

Yeah. It's old crow, but it's got like bar funk on it. So it's just the buckets. You put it in your mouth in your body. It's like, what are you doing? You can feel your xiphoid process just tenses up. Like you just got punched or something. And you're like, oh, it's coming up.

What's a better jam band name? Xiphoid process or charcuterie situation? Xiphoid process. What about charcuterie situation featuring xiphoid process? Oh, xiphooid Process is one guy? Sure. He's the drummer. Zipoid Process.

He's a white beatboxer from Canada. He can lock, but he can't pop, and he's more of an experience. I'm going to learn to pop. You need to change your twitter bio to that right now he can lock but he can't pop and he's more of an experience I'm writing it down just so we don't forget

Shane put your shirt on dude that's crazy Sean it is time for your second pick we are cruising yeah right we're on fire it's time for your second pick uh you're cruising my yeah right we're on fire it's only been an hour and we're already on might not make it to lachma today slow boat we'll hurry up all right uh my second pick is going to be and i've only i've only done it once uh but it's gonna be a pedicure oh and i was there when you did it you got it for me so was my we don't we don't talk about her wonderful friend sure amanda armstrong yeah yeah yeah yeah she got her she got her

talons cleaned i was kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding amanda i'm kidding i'm kidding she knows i'm kidding yeah she does that was just i knew was going to be funny. Yeah, it was. It was. We love you. We love you. Yes. It was a joke. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, now I feel like a shithead. You are a shithead. I was kidding. Call Amanda right now and apologize. On air. I really do feel bad. No, don't feel bad.

Come on. Shut up. No, it was a joke. It was a joke. You're in the booth. I hear about it in a tweet sometimes you say shit in the booth moby's moby dong's a real one she gets oh yeah yeah she'll clap back we all i know she will she'll be funnier than i am yeah we all got uh we all got a pedicure we did it was

great it was i had never like i'd never even entertained the idea and you were like you know what let's go get pedicures tomorrow i was was like, all right. And it is a treat for yourself. And we were in the city where you're going to want to get a pedicure, Tacoma, Washington. You know, if you're going to walk around and see the sights. That changes the whole thing. What did it cost, five bucks? No, not even.

No, it was a legit place. It was one of those. It was like that nice stretch of downtown Tacoma. It felt like 20 bucks each. That is the point where you're in a city like Tacoma, you want to give yourself a treat. Oh, yeah. And you know, for any listeners in Tacoma, living in the city is the treat. Tacoma itself is the treat.

It's a treat. It's the company of Amanda Armstrong. Yes. That's not what I heard. I'm going to think about it all day. I'm going to remind you about it all day. I know you are because you're a nice guy. You know what they say about Amanda?

She can lock, but she can't pop. It's a morbid experience. Yeah, I've heard that. I have heard that. I had a callus. I don't think she had had many pedicures either. Weirdly, I was the one going into that having had the most pedicures. Which maybe that doesn't surprise anyone.

Well, because I was skeptical. And you're like, dude, it'll be fun. And I'm like, should we just get her a movie or something? You're like, let's go get a pedicure. Oh, because you like movies. Yeah. I like cinema. I don't call it.

I'm not a caveman. I don't call it a movie. I call it. Cinema. Like a British person. I'm going to march to the cinema is what i say i don't drive to a movie march how do you spell that goddamn neanderthal stop breathing out your mouth can i say that mouth breather

40 books at the movie theater 40 books dude oh yeah i'm stupid 40 books is a lot of books also i want to halfback tough quarterback tough catcher in the rye that doesn't count what's that navy seal book that i read lone survivor lone survivor hatchet don't you don't need to list off if you can name all of them you're right off all your Teen fiction novels that you've read Three cups of tea Come on man you don't have to do this I'm just making things up That does sound like a book

Is it? Is it about the guy that built schools in Nepal or whatever? I did yeah I did read that then Yeah I'm not making shit up Anyway yeah pedicures dog Helen Vank got me one on my birthday a few years ago It was great. I really enjoyed it, and I passed out in the chair. Did you? Yeah. From the pain. I understand.

You also passed out during Die Hard, so What? During a pedicure, I can see that. Live Free or Die Hard? Which Die Hard? Shane fell asleep during the original Die Hard in the theater. That movie is non-stop buckness. But you were a boy at the time. No, no, I was 31. Oh, this was a re-release.

Yeah, yeah. Five minutes into that movie, there are constant gunshots and explosions and people swearing loudly, and Shane fell asleep. That's where he grew up, man. That's the lull of my household. That's my lullaby.

You can go to sleep to that shit. Dermot just swearing. You're like, I'm going to bed. I don't care. Yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, when people from the city are like, this quiet's too loud when they're in the country.

Yeah, pedicure. There it is. Ian Carmel? Yeah. Yeah, good pick. I liked it. Oh, what? Is it my turn? You got another second pick. Alright. Okay.

Yeah. So my second pick for a little treat is going to be wearing sweatshorts to work that's pretty good yeah i've never been able to do that i don't do it all the time but i got myself a nice pair of nike tech flee shout out to nike from beaverton oregon top of the food chain where champions are born. Got myself a nice sweat short. Did you spend your formative years in Beaverton? Formative years.

Yeah. From at the age of two until the age of 18. Me and Sue Carmel rolling thick in Beaverton. Sure. And Aliza Carmel

and Robert Blaylock and Jessica Blaylock for a short time Ivan Carmel. Holding it down. Man, that's a Also a rotating cast of characters of my

older brother and sister's friends. Man, you got the bench too a rotating cast of characters of my older brother and sister's friends. Man, you got the bench, too. You're like, you guys are- Yeah, we got a stick bench. Oh, that's a- We're the warriors. That's a tribe.

Stanley the cat, Jess the dog, Iris the cat, and then Chester for a while as well. Did you guys all ever go places at once? Another rotating cast of guinea pigs and hamsters and rats. Wasn't there like an animal t-shirt that rolled around with you guys? Yeah, there was an animal t-shirt that I wore through middle school. What? What do you like an animal t-shirt that rolled around with you guys? Yeah, there was an animal t-shirt that I wore through middle school. What? What do you mean an animal t-shirt? I do have a t-shirt with animal from the Muppets on it. It was the only shirt I wore.

Oh, yeah. That's the only shirt I wore. That's right. It was kind of like my mind no justice, no peace shirt. Yeah. Some people who stayed after the people that brought them there left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like Isaac.aac yeah wait what he was a house guest what happened to my mom said people who put daughter's boyfriend away here oh no no i don't want oh no come on come on you tell you

it is it's a podcast It's a quorum. We have a quorum. Audible medium. People would like my sister's ex-boyfriend, who's also my brother's friend and who became a friend of the family. He came to live with us for a while and then Jess moved out, but Isaac stayed for a long time. Yeah. It was awesome.

I loved it. Yeah. It's like another brother. Yeah, it was. Yeah. That's pretty buck. Got a lot of my style from him. Yeah.

Yeah. Shout out to Isaac. Shout out to Isaac, indeed. My second, oh, I was wearing sweatshorts to work. I love it. Every now and then, comfortable. How often can you pull it off? Once a week?

I'll do it once every couple weeks. Once every two weeks. Because there will be comments. What are the comments? Do on them it's all it's black nike on black shorts they're nice okay they're nice you can barely tell they're sweatshorts i'll do that with a nike hoodie and some flashy shoes and then it looks then it seems like you did it on purpose yeah yeah and i kind of did but when you're probably going to the gym right after work. Absolutely, 100%. Yeah, I mean, I go every day.

Every goddamn day. You're there. But it's so- It's like a second job. It's so comfortable. People are like, and people will call me on it, like the EPs. They're like, you wearing sweatshorts? I'm like, shut up, Rob.

Are you asking me seriously, Rob? Because I'll answer you seriously. Of course I'm wearing sweatshorts. Yes, these are sweatshorts. Can you tell when my ideas came from me wearing sweatshorts or not? No? You want khaki ideas? You don't want khaki ideas.

Oh, you want full denim ideas? Yeah. Oh, okay, Rob. Nobody wants that. No. Nobody wants full denim ideas. That's Shane's second album name, dude. Full denim ideas?

Oh. Yeah. That was- It might be. It might be. It might be. It might be. It's like Tangerine Dream, Full Denim Ideas. It's a kind of weed?

So it's just like, well, that's a band. Tangerine Dream is? Yeah. Hang on. Was that too much? It's all right, Sean. Yeah. I didn't know.

Yeah. He's just so comfortable. You're at work, but it's this nice little luxury you give yourself. Like, oh, I'm at work, but I'm wearing sweatshorts. It's going to be okay. I'm so comfy. I'm bending at angles I can't usually bend in where I'm wearing jeans and stuff like that. Jeans are the worst.

They're the worst. They're the worst type of pants. I hate them. I'll wear them. It's a good medium casual look, like i'm rarely comfortable in jeans i have one pair of jeans and they're black and i don't wear them i've never seen you in us no no i don't i don't fuck i'm for years since i found about dickies yeah i was i haven't been into denim since i was a kid we're not dermot moroni we're not supposed to be wearing jeans i gave up on

jeans after the bugle boy you You know him from the Family Stone. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? Yes. Also, I think he was in the Brothers McMullen. Yeah. Yeah, you've seen Dermot Mulroney in a lot of movies. I also know another Dermot. Yeah, Dermot Torres.

Dermot Torres. It flows right off the tongue, my brother. Dermot Torres. Dermot Torres. That's a beautiful name. Your parents were really committed to doing that Irish firstie Mexican last name. Well, my dad wanted to name me Fernando. Fernando. Fernando. Fernando. If you think we give you shit now something in the air imagine if your name was fernando

torres i would not have been a comedian i'd have been so kind you would be a latin crooner yeah oh my god that would be good yeah you would because you can sing is that gonna come up ladies ladies are we allowed to talk about that yeah yeah he's cagey about it though yeah he's looking dicey right now trained opera singer just can we get like a no we're not doing that all right all right i'm sorry i understand we did okay he did we did karaoke box the carmel family did a karaoke box in portland fun shane was there dropping people we are a singing family. A musical people. We're the Jewish suburban von Trapps, and only a couple of us are Jewish.

Shane came in and belted a couple hits. I think I just did Buttercup. You did Buttercup. That was fun. Your sister killed it. Oh, yeah, Jess. What did she sing? God, she sang I Will Survive, and she sang a few other songs.

That's the one that blew the roof off. Jamie Thomas, Welcome to Hell, I Will Survive. It means something to skateboarders. She's saying I will survive. And she's saying a few other things. Jamie Thomas, Welcome to Hell, I Will Survive. Means something to skateboarders. She's a pretty good singer. Oh, yeah. Real good singer. I wish I was a good singer. Pipes.

I suck. You do, dude. And I'm also a bad singer. Yeah. So wearing sweatshorts to work. Shane, it is time for your second and third picks. As it is. A serpentine dress.

For my second pick, I am going with buying new underwear and socks. Oh, yeah. You wanted me to tell the story about when we went to Ross. Is that why you said this? What? When you pick those socks up that were like 15 pairs of socks for $4 or something, and you're like, should I buy these? And I go, no.

It was when they lost all of your shit. Like, all of your luggage didn't come to Portland. Those socks come with a ghost. You lost all your shit? No, you didn't lose it. They lost it. Yeah, they lost it. Did they give you money? No, I mean, it showed up, like, two days later.

They found my bag. It went to, like, Sheboygan or something. Oh, the Kenosha Kickers probably needed it. Yeah, it was horrible. And I was like, I know, like,boygan or something. Oh, the Kenosha Kickers probably needed it. Yeah. It was horrible. And I was like, I know, like, I just went in there. I did that. Like, I had just been listening to Brian Regan. He has that great bit about working behind the lost baggage counter.

What kind of hell on earth am I in for? Yeah. Just like, let me guess. You're super mad at me. Okay, great. But I walked in and I was just like, I don't have any of my stuff toothpaste nothing and she was like she gave me like the little essentials yeah the essentials kit and there was a laundry grains to wash the one pair the one outfit i had not detergent but just grains what are laundry i don't even i'm not familiar with this term

what are i don't think i mean laundry what with this term. I don't think I mean it. Laundry what? It's detergent but they called it laundry grains. It was like so shitty. Sounds like jail soap. It's like we're not legally allowed to call this cereal. But it is. Wheat sustenance.

Wet mash. Yeah. 10 mule team borax. But buying like good quality undergarments it's a real game changer when it's fresh I get excited about it I move like

everybody knows like when I have new underwear on I'm like everybody they don't know I'm wearing new underwear but they know I'm very confident you feel like everybody, they don't know I'm wearing new underwear, but they know. I'm very confident. You move like you're in an underwear commercial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just like my legs up on a lot of stuff.

I just like laugh like, nobody can see that I have my leg up in the chair. Like a dog falling off a table and you're just, got it. Just maybe a little boxer brief pokes out the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you've got to find a way to show it off. Oh, yeah, they're new.

They're new. My upper body doesn't move. I just kind of glide. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you looked at me from the waist up, I'd look like a ghost floating. Like you're on one of those hoverboards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are we at?

I'm a boxer brief guy. I've moved into boxer brief. Boxer brief, yeah. Wait, where were you before? Where were you before? You were still wearing boxers? Commando. No. Whoa! Actually, I wasn't wearing shit.

If you were a dude who loves jeans and going Commando, I would not know what to do with you. I wouldn't trust you. I wouldn't let you in my house. I wouldn't trust you either. It's not a pretty sight. Probably bleeding and chafed. It looks like Mickey Rourke's face.

It's insidious. Listen, Mickey Rourke, fan of the podcast, Mickey Rourke. Shout out to Mickey Rourke. Shout out Mickey Rourke, fan of the podcast, Mickey Rourke. Shout out to Mickey Rourke. Shout out Mickey Rourke. Shane didn't mean it. He's actually wearing a graphic tee of Mickey Rourke right now. It says greatest actor alive underneath. But alive has a question mark after it.

He got it at Sears, but he paid full price for it. Yeah. Excuse me. I see the shirt's on sale. Can I pay full price? Can I pay the price that's crossed out? When he Excuse me, I see the shirt's on sale. Can I pay full price for Mickey? Can I pay the price that's crossed out?

When he said that, I just imagined Shane like wearing his denim shorts and then like pulling them down and it's just Mickey Rourke wearing his pants. Like Mickey Rourke from City City.

It's a tough tear. Goldie. The only girl that was ever nice. Boxer briefs, though. That's what I meant. Boxer briefs. But I was in boxers until like last year. Really?

That's crazy. Boxers is too much. It's too much. I still like the airiness of boxers. I wear mesh shorts for underwear. You're one of those guys. Yeah, yeah. Do you actually do that?

No, man. I don't do that. There's dudes who do that. I did it in middle school just because I needed to be ready to play at any time. Or swim. Or go to bed. Anything. Yeah.

I don't like. I just need it. I need it tight down there. You like it snug? David, where's barbed wire? I don't like your freewheeling boxer waist. I can't. I'm sorry. it won't be constricted. Boxers are an occasion.

I've moved to briefs. What's the point of even wearing boxers? What's the point? It's just another layer to the emptiness. It gets so complicated in there. You sit on the bus for a long time and you stand up and your boxers are up here. I don't like it when boxers would bunch up.

Yo, that's the worst. That's the worst. We're not Marky Mark. We're not Dermot Moroney. You probably saw him in The Family Stone. Also last season of Shameless. Shane, you get to go quack to quack with your picks here. Like Pippin and Jordan.

Quack to quack. Listeners, if you hear a weird buzzing in the background, that is real. You're not having a stroke. Shane's holding a power drill and only squeezing it sometimes. Shane, will you aim your mic at your face? There we go. Oh, we were doing so well with that. I would have set it off mic, but we're, you know.

Mine's pointed at my mouth. This is an honorable medium, as I was earlier told. This is one. I love this one. It's going to sound maybe a little weird, but I love it. When I go on the road, I'm making my bed perfectly before I come back. Oh, so you come home to a clean room? Yeah.

That is so dope. I love that. It changes. It's like, I'm tired. I've been gone for two weeks yeah and i've been on an airplane all goddamn day the last thing i want is a problem yeah yeah and i want to be comfortable just like now now when you say you've been on laundry before i leave too because you come home to that nasty room and you just feel like a piece of shit yeah you're just like god do i ever get any peace yeah you're talking about your bed at your house when you finally come back to it or at the

hotel? When I come back to my home. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna say. You've been on the plane all day, so I assume you were doing a gig in Australia. Because you're on the plane all day, not for two or three hours. I don't know where this is coming from. You never come east. Malice. You never come east. Malice in my heart.

I'm actually mean. I also don't come east. Yeah, that's right. I shouldn't have got that Airbnb in Minneapolis so we can all stay together. You never come. Malice in my heart. I'm actually mean. I also don't come east. Yeah, that's right. I shouldn't have got that Airbnb in Minneapolis so we can all stay together. I wanted that. You're so mean. I don't know what's happening. This feels like some off-air beef again. I'm going to stay in Nicole's house we made up.

Everything's great. We're going to get married. I'm actually not coming back. I'm going to marry Nicole. Laura, I apologize. I'm going to marry Nicole and we're going to live happily ever after. This feels like some real... I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I feel the emotion. We're doing the best one. I was like, let's get an Airbnb.

I had them get an Airbnb instead of a hotel. I bought a butterfly knife last night. Instead of my hotel room. Instead of having a hotel so Sean and a couple other people could stay. You declined the hotel? Yeah, because I wanted to hang out with Sean. You've never turned down a hotel, bro.

Yeah. I've never declined a hotel. No. Me neither. No, I mean, they paid for the Airbnb instead. Like, I'm not paying for that. I'm not that. No, no.

I'm just saying. I was like, you're a maniac. All day. I was like, traveling all day. Yeah, all day. God damn it. I was just kidding. It was a joke. It is nice Yeah, all day. God damn it. I was just kidding. It was a joke.

It is nice to come home to a perfectly made bed. Yes. It is. It is nice. It's the point. That's all I want. You know, you made my bed like it was at a boot camp. It was fantastic.

Military grade. Yeah, I was thrilled. Tuck the corners in? Uh-huh. One time, I went somewhere. It was when we were still living together in Portland. Yeah. And Funches slept in my bed.

Ooh. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. Friend of the show, Ron Funchess. And this was a different Ron Funchess. I feel like some dirty laundry's about to get aired out here. Yeah. But I just came back, and he was like, I made your bed, and I was like, great. And then it was just like, the sheet was on top of the comforter, and I'm like, this is

about what? The sheet was on top of the comforter? It was about as well that is crazy ron had a lot on his mind in those days he did and i love him but it was just like it was just like gonna be upset about it and then i was like this is about parliament funchadel it's like it's like me asking phil shalberger to like show up somewhere on time or something run is that your is that your revenge for him saying hi shane on wtf hi shane remember when i was talking about when i was in my dark place when you're like you've been like depressed for six months over a six-month relationship

i didn't break it down i wasn't criticizing you for it ron was There were a lot of other things going on back then. I know. And that's why I had your back the whole time. Ron, on the other hand. You put on your sunglasses for it. That's why I spent an hour on my 30th birthday outside talking to you. Here we go. I don't know.

If we made it into the third round, I'm surprised. I mean, Mark Barron was at dinner. Mark Barron, Mocha Cashier, Hannibal Buress. Ian Carmel. On my 30th birthday. into the third round, I'm surprised. I mean, Marc Barron was at dinner. Marc Barron, Mocha Cash, Hannibal Buress. Ian Carmel. On my 30th birthday. All the big stand-up comedians. Why are you wearing your sunglasses? Why are we not wearing our sunglasses?

I'm talking to both of you. What? Ian doesn't have sunglasses. Marissa's wearing glasses. Yeah. They're prescription. It's sunny out. Podcast listeners, I need you guys to know shit is gone to shit, and I'm scared.

I don't know what's happening. Shit has gone to shit? Shit's gone to shit. David, St. Sue Carmel heard you say that. I'm wearing sunglasses like a bunch of maniacs. Well, you're wearing swear words. Not the same. Not the same.

All right, I'll put them quack in my pocket. All right, yeah. They took them off at the same time, like psychopaths. Quack in my pocket. Like a good quack in a bag. They took them off at the same time! Like psychopaths! Quack in my pocket! Like a good quack in a bag. This pod used to stand for something, you know? It's just a mean sign. You almost killed Shane with that.

Shane almost died. Oh, it's clearing the pipes. Feeling good about yourself? Making you bed perfectly. I love it. Ian, what are you thinking for your third pick? All right. So my third pick is-

That's for six months over a six month. That's the one solid true thing we've said this whole time. Oh, God. So this next one is something I call the trifecta, and I don't know if anybody else does it. The triple S? the trifecta and I don't know if anybody else does it the triple s the trifecta it is it is when I have when I I don't have anything to do that night and I'm coming home from work and I look on google google maps google my I look on google maps and Barry Derrison Barry Barry Derrison uh I'm half an hour, maybe 25 minutes from my house. And I'm stuck in traffic bumper to bumper. So then on my phone, I'll slide from Google Maps over to Postmates.

Oh, shit. And I will order some food and time it perfectly. So I get home. I get stoned. And then five minutes later, my food shows up. That's the trifecta. That's that probably feels really good it feels pretty good amazing it's like coming if like being at work is hyperspace in star wars it's like coming right out of hyperspace it's like the whole world slows down around you all of a sudden you're floating in space you're like all right cool

i'm not at work it's a hard cut it's a hard it's not a dissolve it's a hard cut from work it's just like bing bang boom yeah because i know that one like i know that feeling of like when you get when you're gonna get home and you're like man i'm gonna get so stoned yeah it's such a long day i'm just gonna get such an awful day so you get home you get stoned and it's that fun part you know where it's like the first like you know two hours of it but it's the first five minutes of that so you're just like all right and then the first, like, you know, two hours of it, but it's the first five minutes of that. So you're just like, all right. And then the food shows up. And you're real stoned.

Yeah. Yeah. You got something for me. You got a music video playing on YouTube or whatever. If it's, you know, maybe we're watching Jeopardy. It's actually pronounced Jeopardy. Jeopardy. This is Jeopardy.

I can't believe you said that. That feels like, you know, when somebody hits a big shot and there's one second left on the clock and then somebody comes down and still hits a bigger shot? Someone like Damian Lillard? Yeah. You're a close personal friend? My close friend Damian Lillard? Yeah.

Yeah, you guys know each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go check out Ian Carmel and Damian Lillard. Type that into YouTube and watch a fun sketch I wrote. I love that your name is first. Watch a fun sketch I wrote. Ian Carmel plus Damian Lillard. Fun sketch. Yeah, it's a good one. Great sketch. I wrote it. Yep, I enjoyed. Watch a fun sketch I wrote. Ian Carmel plus Damian Lillard. Fun sketch.

Yeah, it's a good one. Great sketch. I wrote it. Yep, I enjoyed it. That does sound, yeah. It's the best. And then you're like, all right, I'm ready to go to bed now.

I can handle tomorrow. That's the next, you know. Ready to go to your perfectly made bed. You just lamp for four hours? Yeah. And then you go to your perfectly made bed. Probably not, but yeah. So it's the trifecta.

The trifecta. That's beautiful. And I'm going to cut off communication on it no more discussion we're moving on to sean's third pick just in the interest of time i can't i can't believe you brought it up but uh one of my one of my ways to treat myself yeah is to make it home on time to watch jeopardy oh perfect that was my actual that was my actual next pick and he goes maybe we're watching jeopardy that is it's one of my favorite things that can happen in a day is if i can be somewhere to have cable and watch jeopardy

at 7 p.m pacific standard time are you good at jeopardy sometimes sometimes i feel like a real asshole after i watch jeopardy this one this one's good at it the listeners know who i'm pointing to even though they can't see this one's good i appreciate that it listeners know who I'm pointing to, even though they can't see. This one's good at it. I appreciate that. It's me. It was on both of you. I was digging on both of you. It's Ian Carmel. Yeah.

Jeopardy hurts my feelings a lot. Well, you know what kills me is when you get high school Jeopardy or teacher Jeopardy, and you still can't get last Jeopardy, or final Jeopardy, and I'm like, well, time to get a new flat screen, because I'm going to break this one. I blacked out the other day while we were playing Jeopardy. Zach will do that sometimes. He'll just smoke just a lot of marijuana. And then he'll just rip off a whole column.

And I'm like, how the hell did you do that? And he's not quiet about it. Oh, he's loud about it? He'll let you know. He'll let you know that he got everything. He does his little Zach celebrations. He was having one last night in that bucket hat. I loved it.

I'm a big fan of Zach in the bucket hat. He cut loose a little bit last night. Yeah, it was great. He was like dancing and shit. He drank some of that Johnny Blue, did he not? Yeah, he did. You're not going to not drink it. No, I'm saying.

You kind of got to. Liquid velvet, you got to ingest that. You got to take that down. Getting home and watching Jeopardy is just like one of the best parts of a day. Who is going to take over for Alex Trebek? I, oof. Because you brought it up the other day. They're not just going to kill Jeopardy.

I think I got to ask Marissa on this because who's the next Canadian in line? Marissa, who's the next Canadian smartass? Who's that bald guy that does... Michael Chiklis. You think Michael Chiklis? Marissa said, who's that bald guy who does... Jeopardy gets so much more intense. Sean heard bald guy and said Michael Chiklis. You think Michael Chiklis? Chris said, who's that bald guy who does... Jeopardy gets so much more intense.

Sean heard bald guy and said Michael Chiklis. He's a comedian and he does some other game show, I think. Oh, he's a comedian and he does another game show, Howie Mandel? Howie Mandel. Oh, Howie Mandel hosting Jeopardy? I think he could do it. And a lot of comedians are doing talk shows or hosting game shows now, too. I could oddly see that

jeopardy like a hipper younger jeopardy sean it should be you you should start i mean when we're talking about jeopardy yeah god if i can you imagine if i was the host of jeopardy i wouldn't say one mean thing trebek with his fucking i apologize with his wise cracks i mean you look so angry right now. I don't need it. The guy can take a long walk off a short pier, David. You don't like Al Shaleck? Don is having two sticks of dynamite right now. I think he's just hurt.

I don't think that he's... They're just road flares. He's wearing one roller blade. He's so pissed. There's a live grenade somewhere in LA. That's probably true. That is probably true. Make it home for Jeopardy.

Get home in time to watch Jeopardy. David, what do you want to say after that? My third pick is a weird one, I think specifically to me. And I do it probably like, I'll bring it out three, four times a year. I like going out into the world for a night wearing a brand new sparkling white t-shirt a super fresh white tea sure just you i feel like i could do anything like before the sauce gets it i was gonna say i feel like i could get all kinds of shit on the perspiration come yeah like the neck gets blown out yeah it's that one perfect night

where you're gonna live forever in this white t-shirt the high beam the high beam crazy and it's always like i do it like when i have like a good good show yeah you know what i mean and i'll just wear like something something just like a bomber jacket over it but just like bright white sparkling yeah it feels so good it's a great look i feel like a movie jacket over it but just like bright white sparkling yeah it feels so good it's a great look i feel like a movie oh yeah classic look yeah i feel like a movie star in a bright white t-shirt have you ever bought anything other than a t-shirt that was like and shoes i guess that was all bright white like a hoodie or something like an investment no i don't trust myself i bought one of those and we're like i definitely had one i don't

do you really i definitely had one yeah a you really? I definitely had one, yeah. A white hoodie? Yeah. Damn. I never. I'm out. I can't. That's a bold move. I love your personal style, but I'm out on a bright white hoodie.

I think you dress really well. I like the denim jacket you look great in. I can't. You do. You do look great in that jacket. I know. I can't, as your friend, get behind. It's a necklace all over again.

I've made some boards. It's not a necklace. Stick up for it. Go ahead and stick up for the necklace right in front of David. First of all, when we talk about this necklace. I'm really excited about this. It looked like. This thing.

It looked like a beaded necklace, but inside nylon somehow. No. It looked like somebody got a puka shell necklace and like dyed it with red Kool-Aid. And they're like, oh, this is cool. But wasn't it inside like a. Was it like a beaded? Like a red bead? If I remember it right, it looked like Crocs,

you know, but the kind that keep your sunglasses on. Someone made a necklace out of that. It looked like a cord? It looked like a cord. Did you have a medallion? Like a Christmas ornament. How do you remember it, Shane? They were like

They were red stones First of all Like that makes it better No This was during the dark time We were talking about I was doing a new me You got a necklace in the dark time

I was trying to pull myself out of it I needed any rope You can't buy a necklace in the dark time He I was trying to pull myself out of it. I needed any rope, David. You can't buy a necklace in the dark time. He was trying to pull himself up by this red necklace. I got a necklace in the dark times. That's the name of the third album. I got a necklace in the dark times. Dark time necklace.

That does sound like a novel none of us have ever read, but probably shit. Like a time travel situation. Oh my God. Shane had this red pinkish necklace. It wasn't pink. Shane had this red, pinkish necklace. It wasn't pink. I said pinkish, didn't I? Yeah, but it wasn't pink at all.

It was. It sounds kind of pink. I got to see a picture. There might be a picture of it somewhere. You had a coalition of friends who had come together. A union. To discourage you from wearing it in every way. Nice, hard sell, soft sell.

Good quack, bad quack. Casual conversation, you know? Take it quack to the store, is what we said at one point. Oh, gosh. Well, I found it in Helen's car, remember? That's right, yeah. You found it in a car? In Helen Banks' car. Well, look well look you know i'm not sure that

i'm sold on that i there's a part of me that still thinks you bought it and just told us you found it no i found it right here is the first time i'm bringing it up by the way okay that's fine let's see how you handle it one of your picks makes shane feel bad about a decision he made six years ago so you did buy it that's actually his next pick no No, I love you to pieces. You didn't get that when I was drunkenly slapping your knee all night, ready to cut your ACL in half? Every joke, last night we were watching Shane's special, and every joke, Sean was like calling it out. Yeah.

Like a drunk guy at a Bon Jovi concert. How you want it? I want it. And Sean would be like, how you want it? I want it. And Sean would be like, how you want it? Dead or alive. I was like that guy who thinks Richie Sambora comes in the verse before he actually does. Yeah, whoops. Anyway, I've got nothing but love for you, buddy.

Crispy white t-shirt. Crispy white hoodie? No. I just can't commit. That's what I was snowboarding a lot. I can't commit to any other white thing It's not gonna What am I gonna get I get why people don't like the white hoodie

I'm just saying I did it You've done a lot of things Did you wear the white hoodie with the red necklace That might have happened Oh man The contrast looked better than you We were all making mistakes back then oh yeah yeah listen i get it man i made the mistake of hanging out with a guy that wore a white hoodie and a red

necklace i wore i wore primarily camo shorts for like four years no i'm not that wasn't a mistake i was doing the same thing and now they're back now they're back but they're not as integral as they were there was those were like my day-to-days for him i had a camel yankee hat i was doing crazy shit too yeah god man david numero four number four oh number four this is weird it just but it makes me feel really good and it feels like a special thing. When I'm going out with friends, I like to be like, I'll grab the Uber. Oh, yeah. It just makes me feel really nice. Treating somebody is a nice feeling.

Yeah, it's a really great feeling. And it's like I love being on the ball about it. Like, oh, we're going? Okay, I got the Uber. Got the Uber. Who's going to get the Uber? Already got it. Yeah, it's on the way.

It's on its way. Four minutes. Hey, put your shoes on. We're going. Yeah. I like that. I like getting the Uber a lot. It makes me feel good. Treating. Hey, put your shoes on. We're going. I like that. I like getting the Uber a lot. It makes me feel good.

Treating yourself via treating other people. Yeah. When I was first making this list, I found that a lot of my things were treating other people. And I was like, not that I'm a good person. Just that I'm... Like me and Sean were talking about. You're a good person.

You're amazing. What are you talking about? Well, I'm a good person, but I'm not like... When you have a little, a few extra bucks and you can be like, I'm not a piece of shit I can share. Like, hey guys, I'm a real person too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feels great. Payment on the check is a good feel.

Yeah, because of living on that couch for so long. Three years I did hard couch time. Hard couch time. Hard couch time. Just in the interest of us all having a day, I'm going to keep it moving. But yeah, I'll grab the Uber. I got to hit early release on this couch. My fourth pick is

going to be filling up the whole tank. Oh! I feel like a lot of this is letting the world know how broke I've always been. But just when I can fill the whole tank up and I get in the car and I start it and I'm like, look at you, dude. You got enough gas to just get to Denver.

If you want to blow this town, if your car had brakes, you could get to Denver right now. I like, I know what you mean. It's a little squeeze it till it clicks, man. That's a good three ton Buick.

Isn't getting to Denver on one tank. You're not going to get to Modesto. You're not going to leave California. The. Yeah. You're not going to leave California. The only car with rust in LA. It really would be a miracle whip if you got to Denver on that. That would be a miracle whip.

The miracle. We'd have to have a new Hanukkah to celebrate the miracle of the one tank of gas. Wait, now, you would have a new Hanukkah because you say we. You're Jewish?

Jewish, 100%. Bar Mitzvah and everything. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. I think I've seen that. Yeah, filling up the whole tank. That is a nice feeling. Not a lot needs to be said about it.

I know we all agree. It's a universal, amazing feeling. Yeah. Because, you know, you put like five bucks in, and that's just one of the worst feelings. You're just like, I am a piece of shit. You're like, man, I can get to work. I'm a gallon and a half person. I'll be back tomorrow.

Yeah. I don't want to put 10 bucks in because something might happen where I need that $5 tonight. I'm only going to put $5 in. I'm a gallon and a half of gas. That's what I'm worth. I've put like $2 in before. $2? In the 1990 Cherry Red Ford Probe.

$2 though? I feel like when I was really young when I was still in the car game. Yeah, I was 8. When I did it. When I was like 17, 18, that was common. Two bucks, three bucks. Yeah, I feel like I did that. Yeah, just like I got to get home.

That's different, but you're a kid. Yeah. Yeah. I would fill the tank? No, two or three bucks would fill the tank. Oh, yes. SK says two or three. Right.

Well, when you were on the come up, two or three bucks was the whole thing. That would be great. Because gas was relatively cheaper. You know what I mean? In comparison, it was still way cheaper than it is now. Yeah, filling up the tank. Filling up the whole tank.

Great pick. I am going to take, with my fourth pick, buying good seats for stuff. Oh. Yeah. Good seats now. Much like Las Vegas. Good seats now. Good seats now.

Now that I'm a little more flush in the pocket. Sure. Got some money coming in. Had some investments work out. Hey, there it is. I bet I'm the right pony. One thing I really like doing is like, because I used to, I would go to basketball games all the time, but they would be like shitty seats.

Back against the wall. Back against the wall. 300. Shout out to the 300 section at the Rose Garden. Sure. Like John Gotti. Nobody can sneak up on you. Right.

I get it. But it's, yeah. I got to see the i got that that one seat in the restaurant yeah where i can see everything go down i like to i like to be like dan it's it's so nice it's such a nice treat it's especially a nice treat again to get egalitarian when you take someone else to a game and they don't know where you're sitting yet and you just keep walking further and further let me let me tell you i'm stopping a ticket taker yeah and they're like yeah keep going let me tell you a little story about when hulu laid me off oh yeah fuck them so that's the that's the story that's you know i don't feel i don't apologize for that swear uh hulu hulu did decided i wasn't right i wasn't a good fit for the corporation and And Ian was like, let's go to a Dodger game.

I'd never been. So he goes, I got tickets. And I was like, cool. So we walk in, and he had this look on his face. Because I did. I stopped at the 200 level or whatever, and he's like, uh-uh, come on. And he had some pep in his step. He was walking, and I'm like, where are we going?

And then we went into a basement. I didn't know it was there. He just hands you a jersey, and you're taking swings. It was like if Will Ferrell wanted to go to a Dod and you're taking swings. You're playing right field, kid. If Will Ferrell wanted to go to a Dodger game, this is the basement he would be in, I imagine. All the Dodger dogs you can eat. And I think I had like seven. And then we sat

second row back from the plate. Second row behind the plate. They got free Dodger dogs back there? It's all you can eat. They got charcuterie plates. They got Dodger dogs. Everything is on the house. Ron met a first pitch himself throughout the first pitch. Oh, Ron Artest.

Ron Artest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Met a world peace? Yeah, met a world peace throughout the first pitch. Sorry, I use his birth name. Sorry. Yay. He threw out the first pitch.

It was so sick. And that was one of those things where I was like, holy crap. That is pretty cool. It's such a nice, it's just like, it's fun to be like down there. And at concerts too. It's cool to be like a little bit closer to the stage. Like when we were on the floor for Kanye West. Or when we go see Las Vegas.

Las Vegas. Jay-Z and Las Vegas. Is that a thing people are saying or is that just a thing you guys are saying? That's what we're saying. It was Kanye, I guess. Kanye. It was the first one and then Las Vegas. Las Vegas.

And then I don't know what we're going to do next year. Next year it's going to be Third Eye Blind Jagas. That's Circus Circus Jagas. So Shane, it's time for your fourth and then fifth pick. Buffagus. Buffagus.

That's a good one. We're going to go to a buffet. We've got to go to a seafood buffet. Ooh, seafood buffet. That actually leads into my next pick. A buffet? Diarrhea.

Yeah, a buffet. All you can eat, too much food. A buffet? A buffet. All you can eat. Having diarrhea. Too much like. Having diarrhea. Having diarrhea. I like dysentery. I got dysentery afterwards.

What's your actual pick? It's like a little too much food. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like you're like, I am. I'm going to get a milkshake with this soda. I'm jacked. Like you need these two things together. I'm jacked. I'll get a milkshake with this soda. I'm jacked. Like you need these two things together. I'm jacked.

I'll get this milkshake. Like when we went out to eat in Austin at that barbecue place. Yeah, we went crazy. And we got like full, like a $16 plate of barbecue. And also both of us got Fritos as well. Yeah, we had Frito Pie. And we had some Fritos. And we got red cream sodas.

You did. I didn't. I was healthy that day. That sounds so good. A red cream soda? Yeah. Why is it red? Because it's gooder, dude.

Because the secret ingredient is a red necklace. The blood of the Apache. Oh, God. Oh, that was too much? Yes. Okay, that's fair. I understand. I understand.

All right. Yeah. That's good. I pushed it. I pushed it. Yeah. I'm just going to move into the fifth pick. Okay.

Yeah. We're a bunch of windbags in here. What'd you say? Having a mall day. Oh, yeah. Come on. You're going to pick mall day in this room? Who are you talking to?

Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? Yeah, like you go, you get food, and then like maybe you get some shoes. One of my favorite things. I really love it. It's so fun. It's great to wait. Maldays are the best. Last time we went to the mall, I got two hats.

Yeah, it was awesome. It was the best. It inspired me to hit up Liz on Twitter. Uh-huh. Yeah. And then you got that Miami Dolphins bucket hat. And now there's a bucket hat in the house. For free. Yeah, but David bought like two hats. It was awesome. It washuh. Yeah. And then you got that Miami Dolphins bucket hat. And now there's a bucket hat in the house. Yeah, but David bought like two hats.

It was awesome. It was a good day. I don't know. There's something about like throwing down 40 bucks and not like freaking out about it that feels really good. I feel, again, a lot of this is all of us saying, how nice is it to have 40 extra bucks? Yeah. It's crazy.

It's a big part of all this. It's so nice. Being on the road and not having anything to do and just looking at where the mall is and realizing it's three-fourths of a mile and you're in Boise and you just think, you know, I'm going to walk to the goddamn mall. That's what I'm going to do. And you find some cool part of downtown you didn't know was there. You get to the mall and you have yourself a day.

Like a nice little Saturday. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Mall days are always a nice day. One of the first days I visited here back in the day, we were going to go on a hike. One of those things the night before. We're just talking.

Let's go on a hike, dude. And we wake up and Ian goes, how about instead of a hike, we go to the mall and then watch one of my screeners? I was like, yeah. That is a good day. That sounds like a good way to go around the mall. The mall is a hike. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Especially the Glendale Galleria. Yeah. Galleria and the Americana. Oh, God. You're talking two miles. What was that mall we went to, Sean? That was huge. I'll think of it in a second.

I don't want to bore the listeners. We went to a mall. Sean scouted it out. Topanga Mall. Yeah. I gotta find this one. Oh, it's off the rack. Really?

It's so big. That's where I thought you guys went the other day. They have a koi pond and shit. What? Yeah, we went to a crazy barrel. First Costco I've ever been to. They have a huge outdoor part and a big indoor part that's not really indoors. Oh, yeah.

That was your first Costco hot dog. You've never been to a Costco before? No. I'm from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. That feels like a very Costco place. Yeah. Well, it's, you know. It's like the employer.

Cosker. Cosker. Kirkland Signature. Kirkland, Washington. Yeah. He doesn't know. He's never been inside I have no idea

did I have a rotation did I just have a stroke no you're good Barry Darrison Maldace great pick Maldace gonna make my final pick

oh shoot we're on our fifth pick yeah we're moving and my final pick is what I like to call a banger ass Sunday yeah it's not quite the Sundays

we've been having lately which I also love. But here's what I mean by a banger ass Sunday. I wake up. I go to Whole Foods. And I probably buy a can of Stumptown coffee at Whole Foods. And then the other things I buy, I'll buy some eggs. I'll buy some green onions.

I'll buy some nice cheddar cheese. That's a list. I'll buy a sausage, maybe a chorizo or a different breakfast sandwich. You whipped me up one of these one day. Yeah. And I'll You know? I'll buy like a sausage, maybe a chorizo or a different breakfast sandwich. You whipped me up one of these one day. Yeah. And I'll come home and I'll make like a scramble. Yeah. I'll listen to some fun music.

Something like 19-step, maybe some Tom Petty. Shout out to Tom Petty. Went to the concert last night with Sue Carmel. I'll whip up a breakfast. I'll be buzzing on coffee. And this is happening kind of early. I leave the house at like nine. Oh, yeah.

You're like this. Well before. You're not laying in bed until one. You're getting your day started. And I'm back at the crib. And this is happening kind of early. I leave the house at like nine. Oh, yeah. You're like, you're not laying in bed till one. You're getting your day started. And I'm back at the crib. Got that scramble going. Yeah. Door might be open even. Door might be open. Yeah.

Door to the house. Yeah. Sunny day outside. Yeah. And then I'm like putting a little scramble on plates for people and then eating a little scramble myself. I'm just having like a whole Sunday. Uh-huh.

Not giving Sunday to Saturday night because I hate doing that now. Sure. I hate getting so buck on a Saturday that I lose half of my Sunday. Uh- sunday uh-huh not not giving sunday to saturday night because i like i hate doing that now sure i hate getting so buck on a saturday that i lose half of my sunday uh-huh uh-huh uh yeah and just like having an actual sunday yep you don't know where the sunday is gonna go after your after your breakfast maybe we can go to the park could go to the park could go hit some golf balls yeah football game on yeah walk around the lake anything and then you got ballers that night for 10 weeks out of the year breakfast in the building breakfast in the building it's actually cane it's not breakfast i know we all thought it was breakfast this whole time so banger ass sunday that's my uh final pick sean it's time for your final pick uh my final pick is gonna be a nice toilet paper oh i want it to feel like a hand towel.

Yeah. Yeah. That's one you grow into later on. Right, right, right. Well, Ian was the, back in the day, Ian was like, listen, nice detergent and nice toilet paper are two easy things you can do for yourself. They're classy moves you can do when you don't have a classy amount of money. Uh-huh.

Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. And a nice toilet paper will just make you feel way better about what you just did. Get the tire. Get the Charmin, you know? Yeah. It a nice toilet paper will just make you feel way better about what you just did. Get the tire. Get the Charmin. You know? It's really not that much more expensive.

Even though I don't, but I'll probably go buy some today. The quality of your life is going to shoot through the roof. You need it. You start making better decisions. Look good, feel good. Look good, feel good. I'll get that job. Spend money to make money.

Oh, God. All my tattoos. We're going to read off all my tattoos? Nicole. it's different Nicole forever Nicole like Marky Mark and fear

shout out to Marky Mark fan of the podcast he had Nicole written across all eight of his fingers N-I-C-O-L-E and then he just cut off the other

two fingers she cut them off I was like Nicole let's get married she cut off both my index fingers. Not my index fingers. Ring fingers. My ring fingers.

And my index fingers. Nice toilet paper. Nice toilet paper. Nice toilet paper. David, it's time for your final pick. The final one is also something I never did before this year, but shit, it feels good. Room service. Oh.

I've never had that in my life. Dude, when I wrote for the Esby's, it was one of the best hotels. Because they put me up in a nice hotel. I went before. We had to check in in the morning, and then we had two hours off. I went in my two hours off, went and got two pairs of shoes yeah brought him back decided which shoes to wear for the sbs did the whole thing and then at the end of the night came back and was just like had the window open and had the shitty chicken wings and I was just looking over like the city

is mine having a view is a really good it was It was the best. The city is mine. It was late at night, so Malloy was even gone. I'm just in my underwear, just tank top in my underwear. I love late night room service. Just looking out on the city. It felt so good. I have yet to experience that. You're going to love it.

I'm going to do it at Best Western. I get crazy combos of food, too. Weird shit. It doesn't even make any sense. Like yogurt Western. I get crazy combos of food, too. Weird shit. It doesn't even make any sense. Like yogurt and spaghetti or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get the deviled eggs and some soup or just something weird that I would never get at a restaurant.

But I'm like, deviled eggs? All right. No one's going to see me eat it? Sure. Yeah. You're just like using hotel towels to clean up napkins. I do that. I called.

It was the Hilton by the way and I ordered when Malloy was there and I was like there's two people here it's not like and the guy on the phone said no judgment and I was like I'm gonna die in this I'm gonna live here he said no judgment

Mr. Borey you work really hard and they give you like the classy condiments. Yeah. Like the ketchup in the mini ketchup in the glass bottle. Oh, my God. Or their cute little dishes. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Marmalade. That's like the only time I think I've ever said out loud like, we did it, Elizabeth. To be counter with that, when you are looking forward to something like that and it's not good oh that is like also

that's how good it is to get in rooms I've had a few drinks so it's all good I'm not bummed on what they give me but also waking up to it not as good of a feeling

yeah just cause you wake up and there's just those like silver things yeah you put it in the hallway dude just put it in the hallway the night before it's so crazy learn something new every day that's what you do cause I wake up to it and I's just those like silver yeah you put it on put it in the hallway dude just put it in the hallway the night before it's so crazy something new every day that's what you do because i wake up to it and i'm just like no get it out of there that's what you want a new day

yeah all of a sudden that's like the night before seep it into your new day yeah yeah put it in the hallway that night you don't want to give your sunday to saturday night to quote a friend of mine no you don't yeah that's a good point uh that's a good quote. It could be on a Spencer shirt. Well, let's hit them up. We have a relationship with lids. Do they do it? We do have a relationship. We could start doing graphic hats for douchebags. I don't know about you guys, but I want my name on a hat.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, yeah, I want our names on hats. Don't give Saturday night to Sunday morning on a hat. That would be the worst hat. That's only at the gym. That is only seen at gyms backwards. Do you guys want to come to my dry open mic? It's at a church, guys.

To go over our picks, Shane, you kicked it off when mom does laundry. Sexist. Buying new underwear and socks. A fist from Sue Carmel on that, by the way. Making your bed perfectly. Eating a little too much food. Andying new underwear and socks. A fist from Sue Carmel on that, by the way. Making your bed perfectly. Eating a little too much food. And then having a mall day. Those are your treats. For me, it's giving yourself

the green light to buy some junk food. I went second. That was my first pick. Wearing sweatshorts to work. Number three was the trifecta. Number four, good-ass seats. And number five, banger-ass Sunday mornings. Those are all dang. Sean, you went third, and you led off with purchasing stuff at the movie theater.

A pedicure. Shout out to Amanda Armstrong. We love you. I'm so sorry. Cleaning the talents. Oh! Why'd you have to bring it back up? Put that on a hat.

Now I'm going to think about it for two days. I'm sorry. She's a real champ. Making it home for Jeopardy. Filling up the whole tank at a gas station. And nice toilet paper. Those last three things are like a man who's been through a divorce.

Sean's sixth pick was when you get the burning trash can to yourself. Number seven is looking in the mirror. Number seven is shaving, looking in the mirror. Number eight is when you wake up and there isn't a rat in your shoe. Number nine is when you get your actual social security card from your mother. She trusts you enough. She trusts you.

Oh, Sean. That's why he's not waking up like... David, you went last and you took buying something that was marketed to you on a social media targeted ad. Yes. I still feel good about it. Number two, drinking top shelf liquor all night. That's great. Number three... Spendaholic.

Crispy white t-shirt. Oh, yeah. Number four, I'll grab the Uber. Oh, yeah. Don't worry, I'll grab the uber don't worry i'll grab the uber i'm on top of it number five room swervus that is a move excellent excellent picks all around uh sue carmel you are now on the clock with your one pick for a for a treat i can't believe that you guys didn't pick this because this to me is the very best feeling. That is when you go to check into your flight and it says, upgrade to first class. Oh, God.

Damn, that is true. I'll let you know when it happens. For $50, upgrade to first class. Everybody has to walk by you looking at you when they get on the plane and they have to get all skinny in the aisles because you're in the big, big chairs. And you're already drinking your little cocktail because they take care of that right away and the people on the back like flying down here i was having my second glass of wine and this person asked for more and and the guy said this is a one drink flight to the people on the back

as i'm having not up front my my my spinach salad with salad with chicken on the top and a little brownie. That's my favorite feeling. Upgrade. That's a good one. First class. I am my mother's son. Apple fell right on the tree. Yeah.

Ah, that's good. I think that's got to be the best one of any of them, actually. That is really. There it is. I took my first first class flight a couple weeks ago or like a month ago and I liked sitting there and talking to the guy

next to me and being like, yeah, so we're in first class. We just, that's what we do. Me and you. We work hard

and we play hard. We work hard. What are you coming for? Business? Business? Yeah, me too. Me too.

Well, this was a small plane so the first class seats, I was just me. Oh, that's so cool. There was nobody next to me, so it was just me. Doubling up. And then two on the other side, so I just had me, and that was it.

I didn't even have to talk to anybody. I'm getting close to hitting my mileage status for that, and I'm so excited. Well, with 37 flights a year, I mean. It's way more than that. It really is way more than that. You're a traveling man. 37 flights a year. I mean, it's way more than that. It really is way more than that. You're traveling. You're a traveling man. 37 flights a year,

six years ago. All right. Back to back away from me with this. Away from me with this. But it was the best. It's an excellent pick. It is the best. Oh yeah.

It's so good. And you like, it's like, you like check in and it's like, would you like to upgrade? And you're like, hell yeah. I will never not want to for 50 bucks.

Yeah. Never. Ugh. Dope. not want to for 50 bucks. Yeah. Yeah. Never. Dope. Then you can take a suitcase. Yeah, you can bring a suitcase and check it in for free. You just bring one for the hell of it. And you drink.

You drink the difference. You drink. You'll definitely. If it's a long enough flight. If it's a long. Even if it's not a long enough flight. Oh, yeah. On LA to Vegas, if you fly first class, you'll drink those drinks.

Oh, yeah. You'll drink the price difference. Yeah, you get the job done. You're two and a half. Yeah. Yeah. So the price difference. Yeah, you get the job done. You're tuning up. Yeah. So there it is. Make sure you check my Twitter. I'll probably put a poll up for this one.

Shout out to the All Fantasy Everything subreddit. Shout out to the community on Twitter. Show us so much love. Make sure you send us your pics. We love seeing them. And more importantly, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaquackity! Oh!

He did it. He did it. that was a hate gun podcast