All Fantasy Everything - Unreasonable Beliefs We Have (w/ Zach Harper, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

LIVE AND DIRECT FROM PORTLAND! The GVG got together with one of our favorites to draft “Unreasonable Things We Actually Believe!” This being the only podcast in existence did not make the list because that is true! Enjoy!    Guest: Zach Harper @talkhoops IG: @talkhoops   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail]  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we are drafting unreasonable things we actually believe in. Joining us on today's episode is sometimes friend, sometimes enemy, mostly one or the other, Mr. Zach Harper. You love Zach Harper. You're thrilled about it. It was such a fun episode. This is a live episode that we recorded in Portland last week, two weeks ago possibly, but it was just, it was so fun that we wanted to put it out on the main feed. It was, I don't know, it was just, it was a very personal,

put it out on the main feed. It was, I don't know, it was just, it was a very personal, fun show for all of us involved. We did it at a huge venue in Portland. We do have more shows left on the road. You can come see us in Boston on December 15th. The ticket link is in the description. Come on out.

It's at the Wilbur Theater. It's such a beautiful place, such a nice venue. These shows have just been so good. It's so nice to be back out on the road doing live shows. We've seriously been having an absolute blast. We're also doing two live shows in New York the next day. Those have sold out. So if for some reason you're in the area, you couldn't get tickets, bring it on down. Wait, bring it on up to Boston or bring it on down if you're in, I don't know, we're at Maine, you know, Come on down. Anyway, come out to the Boston show. It's going to be fantastic.

I've been loving it. We've all been loving it. It's so fun to be in person live with each other. Plus, we're going to have exclusive merch at the show. I digress. Can't wait for you to hear this episode. Without any further ado, let's get drafting. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything! Yes!

Coming to you live and direct from Revolution Hall in beautiful, scenic Portland, Oregon, the Rose City, top of the food chain where champions are born. Near Beaverton, but not in Beaverton. But near Beaverton. So close in Beaverton, but near Beaverton. So close, you can feel the energy. You can feel the energy from Beaverton right now.

From the Target, and from the Target, and from the Target, dude, and from the Target, and from the Jamba Juice. I got this kind of voice now. I don't know I think it's because I did karaoke last night Shout out to karaoke Me and my wife did

One Day More from Les Mis It's a Sunday night It's a Sunday night This is going to be sort of an NPR vibes All fantasy everything We're going to talk about war and groceries, stuff like that. There's gonna be music interludes in between.

Shit for no reason. Just because we're all so used to the rhythm of commercials. The other guys didn't show up. It's just me tonight. I hope that's okay. I hope that's okay. I hope that's okay. Thank you. Thank you. Nah, I'm joking.

You know I'm with Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar, Mel and Jordan on Instagram. Give it up for Sean Jordan! Yeah! It's a good song, man. No, it's not! It's not a... Like, tell me you didn't feel the beat.

That sounds a lot like Warren Groceries, my band that I had in college. That's what we're going to talk about. It doesn't sound like Warren Groceries. It sounds like parking lot fight and food stamps. I just have to be completely honest with you. E-B-T! E...

Yeah. Anyway, no, it's a dope song. I just have to be completely honest with you. E-B-T. Yeah. Anyway, no, it's a dope song. No, it's not. I can't, no. We could talk about that for the next hour and a half. You can like it without it being good. Like, that's okay.

I like a lot of stuff that's bad. No, that doesn't work. If you like it, then it's good. What's bad? What do you like that's bad? What do you like that's bad? What do I like? Corn nuts? Come on. Where was that sit in this whole friendship?

I've never heard you talk about corn nuts once. I like them quietly. It's not a thing I need to talk about. You can't like a corn nut quietly. I like corn nuts quietly. Unless you're just staring at it. Is that what you do? You just do it like somebody tied up in your basement? I put them in my cheeks until they get all mushy

and then I just sort of... Erosion, dude. I eat them with erosion. Yuck. Yeah. Well, before you cut me off, let me be the one to say... No, come on.

Come on and say what I was going to say? This is so sick. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You can feel that in your chest when everybody out there makes noise. You can feel it like we were backstage. You can just feel it. This is amazing. This is fantastic.

We're going to talk about some bullshit. I'm going to drink the rest of this apple juice throughout the course of the night. It's going to be fun. But yes, this is crazy, right? This is crazy. I know you were back there screaming like, fuck everybody, but right now this is cool. Now you're beginning to be cool.

I was doing push-ups though, dude. You know what I mean? I was doing push-ups. I had a machete in my teeth. There was an eagle circling me, ominously, but ominous for whoups, though, dude. You know what I mean? I was doing push-ups. I had a machete in my teeth. There was an eagle circling me ominously. But ominous for who? Not me, brother. He looks like Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises when he's back there. I look like Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises?

He has every kind of cross tattooed that you could have on his body. I speak like Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises. I hang brain like Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises. I do this. I do this. It's ominous. I do this. I do this. It's ominous. Is that somehow

a slang for penis that missed me? It's hanging nuts. Hanging brain, dude? Balls. I think it's like hanging brain, but then your penis

is somehow tucked away. Now, my wife, Laura, hasn't been to many of these and it's been a few years and I'm excited that she can finally see how we've adapted through COVID.

Where we talk about hanging brain and then explain what it is. A good song that Viggo Mortensen referenced. Us talking about dicks and balls is a new development in this podcast. Speaking of dicks and balls. Listen,

maybe you're the dick, I'm one of the balls, but we can't be out here without the other ball. Gotta have the other ball. Ladies and gentlemen, CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. He's down on Twitter. Give it up for David Borey! It's me, Ball 3. Ball 3, dude.

I'm LiAngelo. You don't talk about me a lot. That's right. I played in Europe. But you're probably going to, I bet you'll have a fragrance, you know? Yeah. That's what LiAngelo Ball's ultimate destiny is. That's what everybody wants is a ball fragrance.

A ball-themed fragrance that you have to buy at Sears. They only sell it on Christmas Eve for people who forgot to get presents. You can only buy it in odd sizes, like you buy it by the vat. I don't want to buy cologne where I could buy wrenches, you know? Sears. Do you buy either? What do you think I've bought more of? You didn't mean to sound bad, but it did. What do you think I bought more of? You didn't mean it to sound bad but it did

What do you think I bought more of? Cologne or wrenches? I think that you put a lot I think you invested heavily in Michael Jordan's fragrance No it was polo for your boy in high school Polo for days Is that Bugle Boy cologne you're wearing? No it's polo Enough pol. Is that Bugle Boy cologne you're wearing? No, it's polo.

Enough polo that you could see the cologne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can hear the hoofs in the back. I put on the Michael Jordan cologne once on my bare chest. I was a boy. I was but a boy. And Ivan Carmel had a bottle of Michael Jordan cologne because two athletes at the top of their game,

why wouldn't they? I'm sure Michael Jordan had a bottle of Ivan Jordan cologne because two athletes at the top of their game, why wouldn't they? I'm sure Michael Jordan had a bottle of Ivan Carmel cologne at his house. God, I bet he did. I sprayed it on my boyhood chest and I went to the doctor and he was like, you've got a little outbreak on your chest. An outbreak of greatness.

An outbreak of pussy. That was the dog trying to come. The doctor's like, what did you do exactly? Tell me how to do that. What did I do? I fucking put up 40 in a playoff game. That's what I did, brother. Against Jesuit. Republicans buy shoes too, doc.

That's right. Swinging a Jesuit reference. You didn't even go to high school here. Good on you. Good on you. Good on you. You want to hear the wits? So some people booed and I was like, shit, did I say something bad? Yeah, you did.

Jesuit, dude. Fuck Jesuit. Fuck Jesuit. It's still fuck Jesuit. It's still fuck Jesuit. I don't see anything stopping you. Is this like a Sharks and Jets thing? It's like a, I don't see anything stopping you Is this like a Sharks and Jets thing? It's like a

I don't know It's like a When you're a Jets You're a Jets all the way It's more of a BMWs and Jettas thing That's how you do it That's how you do it Hot local references

Yeah You get it done As always we leave the fourth chair open For Elijah the prophet That's how you do it. Hot local references. You get it done. As always, we leave the fourth chair open for Elijah the prophet. I'll do the joke every show. I'll do it every show. Yeah, you will. Until Kyrie calls me.

Well, what do you want him to call you? I don't know. I was worried when it was in my brain. I was like, say it, say it. I felt your legs shake. Yeah. I'm scared. If he calls me Bubba,

we're back to neutral. I mean, for God's sake, I should just bring our guest out. I should just bring our guest out. It's cool time. Usually, when we do a live show, we like to bring out someone who we have a camaraderie with, someone who we have a chemistry with,

someone who might be considered a friend of the podcast tonight. Tonight, that was simply impossible. Please welcome Enemy of the Podcast at Talk Hoops on Twitter. Give it up for Zach Harper, everybody. It's going down. I'm yelling to my... You better move.

You better dance. Let's make a night. You won't remember. I'll be the one. You won't forget. He was filming himself that whole time. That's a selfie. Just for me.

Hold on, real quick. Go on. Cinephobe, thank you so much. What's Cinephobe? I'm so glad you asked. I thought it was called Pedophobe. No, that's a very different podcast I do is Cinephile? I'm so glad you asked. I thought it was called Pedophobe. No, that's a very different podcast I do. Cinephobe is a podcast where Amin Alhassan and I watch movies that are poorly rated on Rotten Tomatoes.

We try to ascertain if they're properly poorly rated. It feels like you're talking about another podcast. Maybe they didn't get a fair shake. That's Cinephobe, wherever you find podcasts produced by Anthony Mays. This is the only podcast that's ever existed, so it's weird. I'm going to disagree. But if I can, Sacramento, California. Go on.

Capital of California. Says you. I went to Jesuit high school. Oh! Oh! Okay. Oh! Yes!

Yes! What a brilliant Buddhist man! Somebody stood up out there. Okay. And she gave me the finger. Yes, she did. She meant it. Yes, she did.

And I got scared. I gotta say. It wasn't like a coy, joyful finger. It was like thrust. She thrust it in. I have to call security after this show. Now, is this a religious thing or just like basketball games? I don't want to be the one to say it, but a Sacramento Jesuit is a Beaverton Aloha, all right?

It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. I'm going to pretend that I got that reference, and it was a compliment. She just yelled, I played sports. I played sports. It's fucking right.

I don't know what we're doing here. All right. You are taking this beef too personally. No, no, no, no. No, no. It's not personal enough. She's at work tomorrow. They're like, how was the show?

Well, they had a fucking Jesuit on the show. So I don't know. You tell me, Karen. Would you go to high school, cuz? We never talked about that, Karen. I'm keeping the bit going. Oh, I liked it. I'm sorry. I went to Lincoln in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. There you go to high school, cuz? We never talked about that, Karen. I'm keeping the bit going. Oh, I liked it. I'm sorry.

I went to Lincoln in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. There you go. Get out of here. Really? Did you go to Lincoln High School? There's no way. Look at that no. He's already bailed on it.

Yeah, yeah. Elizabeth High School, who's on probation? Who's got an ankle monitor out there? Where we got Westview in the house? Is Westview in here? Yeah! A lot of people that didn't graduate, I guess. I feel like that was your sister, though.

That doesn't count. Yeah, that's your sister, right? My sister didn't go to Westview, so that's okay. That's all right. That's all right. What about San Diego State University? Who dropped out after three semesters?

Kawhi Leonard? Shit. San Diego's high school football rules? Oh, bud, you didn't play high school football. He did the splits, though. I had a jersey, and I had pads and a locker. Yeah, same, and I quit.

I got the big hit award one time. Have I ever... You did start smoking weed early. You know what I mean? Way before anybody on the football team. That's for damn sure. Yeah, you're cool. I think you're cool. You don't have to prove yourself to me. Man. I don't.

This is good. A lot of people, a lot of football players have been doing the splits lately. And also, look at what Steve Harvey is wearing. I was about to say. That is crazy. It's like someone who doesn't like to eat his words. He's been coming out very sexy. I can't believe.

And I can't believe you saw. Tell me I'm wrong. I can't believe you saw it through those giant suits. Like, through all those layers of fabric, you were like, there's a Zaddy in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's. He has been icy lately. Yeah, I didn't see that. I did not see that heel turn.

I guess we don't know what a cocoon looks like, and you saw it. You know what I mean? We saw a caterpillar, then we saw nothing, and you saw a butterfly. That's true. Yeah, true story. All that's true. Nothing funny about it. I don't know why you're laughing. And we're back to neutral. All right, great.

We'll be right back with more after this. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, shit. November is a time for warm, cozy meals, and here with more about a special kind of coconut curry chicken is Sean Jordan. You know, sometimes when I really want to cozy up and want a nice curry chicken,

sometimes I'm out of curry, and you know what I'm never out of is lotion. Ooh, yeah. What I'll do is I'll just boil up some lotion. I'll put that curry in there. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Yum, yum, yum. Get myself an old Grisham.

Can I disagree on record? No, no. No, you cannot. I'll get myself an old dog-eared Gresham. Gresham. Ruined the bit. They've never talked about Gresham on NPR. We've got to move on.

We are gathered here. I'm going to get right into it because I think this topic has got too much meat on the bone. I think there's too much meat on the bone. We are gathered here today not to talk about Gresham, unfortunately. There's gonna be some Gresham. If you want to see that version,

we'll be on the Max around 1.45 a.m. tonight. But to fantasy draft, as is our want, unreasonable beliefs we hold. Yeah. It's going to get wild in here because I've got some unreasonable shit to say. You have no idea. I had to do a very difficult deep dive.

I did not. I was in the hotel naked just looking at myself in the mirror like, this is you. This is you. Own it. We're all crying back there. I feel very comfortable here. I mean, we should explain that you don't find any of your beliefs you're about

to draft unreasonable. I can see why you would think they are unreasonable, but not me. Zach just wanted to draft stuff I think. Stuff that I know is true. And then Ian was like, let's adapt it so that not everybody knows you're a psychopath. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot is what we do.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins. David wins. Always! A natural. Always! A natural rock. Forever and ever! He goes forever and ever. I hate that my dad wanted you to win more than me. Yeah. We're cool.

We DM. What's up, Phil? He's my dad. I don't know what to tell you. It's like when two guys are wearing the same suit, but one guy does it better. I don't know. I'm kidding. That was not. That felt.

Hold on. That did not. I just want it on record. I would never wear a suit. Okay. I feel dressed up tonight. I'm wearing track pants and. Okay. I feel dressed up tonight. I'm wearing track pants and a hoodie. You are dressed up.

I'm very dressed up right now. You're just not dressed up for your age, but you're dressed up. Oh. Got him. I'm out of here. Tell me more Flamin' Hot Cheetos Mountain Dew. Get him. Oh, I like it.

Get his ass. I mean, I don't want to get into pics, so let's not. Oh. Let's not. I believe. Yeah, that's what you say is one of your beliefs. I believe.

I believe in God, country. Five Mountain Dew flavors you can't find in stores. I think it's a vegetable, and you can't find in stores. I think it's a vegetable, and you can't tell me any different. David, as the winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of tonight's

draft, but before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question. It's a great question, everybody. It's a great question. Sean? We're going to hike up to Multnomah Falls, let's say, so you're at the base of Multnomah Falls, and you look up to the top, and you're like, man, it's going to

take a... I've got to go straight up? That's crazy. I can't just walk straight up. I don't have it. My calves don't have it like that. Ever since I didn't play varsity football, the calves just don't have it like that. Or JV. I really don't think I played JV. But I did see a gun in the locker room when I was in sixth grade,

which is harder than any other football player I know. Just another day in the white ghetto. So you start walking up, and what they do for you is they do a switchback situation. So you start at the bottom, and you go a little bit to the left while you're climbing up, and then you get, I don't know, 50 feet over. You go up a little bit, and then you go to the right, going up a little bit, and then you go up a little bit. You're so bored.

I get it. I feel you. 310 of these, I think. And then you go up a little bit more to the left, and all the way up to the top, and you look, and you're like, I don't know. It was all right. And then you walk back down, and back down's the hard part. It's hard on your knees, so remember that next time you go hiking. Shins, too, right?

Yeah, yeah. I mean everything, man. I hear you should engage your core. Have you ever had that same thing? No, disagree. Well, yeah. So it begins. I engaged my core for a while, then I met Laura,

and it was off to the races. Because I married her, so I got engaged to her. I get it. Uh-huh. Just making sure, because you don't know what a serpentine draft is, and you never wore a mask, so I don't really know what to do. I'm the only one who never got COVID. I think people think you didn't really wear a mask.

That's what I worry about. I forget who I was talking to the other day, but they were like, well, yeah, because David never wore a mask. And I was like, he did. He did wear a mask. Hold on. Let's calm down on he did. Seriously, I never got it. You never

got it. Because I wore masks all the time. That's right. Yeah. Who are you going to believe? Somebody, look at just where we're from and the track records of those places. Colorado, mask heavy. South Dakota, bad governor. Bad governor. Bad governor.

Bad governor. The worst. You tweeted her. It'll get her. I tried. I really did. I was like, she'll see it. Who the fuck knows?

Anyway. You had to band all the South Dakota celebrities together like Voltron to take her down. Yeah, both of them. That would be a Cracker Barrel-ass version of Voltron. Bob Barker. Bob Barker. January Jones. Tom Brokaw, Brock Lesnar, Adam Bennett, Terry. I think they're all dead. I don't think January Jones is dead.

Well, not yet. None of them are dead. Did I just name a dead person? Spoiler alert, she'll die someday. Sorry. You're really taking this. You dig it in. I like it.

It's going to be a weird draft. I'm ready. I can't wait. Well, basically what Sean was saying is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round, and that is a serpentine draft. Now, David, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I'm going right down the pipe. Right down the line.

Wait, with who being first? With Ian Carman. Oh, no! Oh, no! Hot corner. Hot corner. Wow. This is also a hot corner, just for the record.

It's just one of the other hot corners. There's two hot corners. No one ever brings up the other hot corner. Yeah, they do. It's never happened before. Exactly. The broken part of the oven? No thanks. I want you to know that Ian is currently drawing a busty man,

which is different. He's hot. Looks like we have the same notes. The boob site. Thepecksite.com. Funny you should bring up the boob site. I used to go there a lot. Is that good?

Early internet. Just boobs. Belly button to chin You never wanted to see a smile? What's a smile ever done for me? Belly button to chin would just feel medical What are you talking about? Is this a resource for residents?

Go look up Let me advise you Don't go look that up Somebody try to go to the boob site sometime Go to not... Somebody try to go to the boob site sometime. Go to the bathroom and try to go to the boob site. I'm on it. I got it. Oh, no. I regret this immediately.

Are you going to the boob site? Am I going to the boob site? Yeah, I have bookmarks. Oh, no. Safari can't find it. You got to go to the Silk Road. You got to go on the dark web. Then the boob site.

Yeah, Silk Road at first. Is it.biz? It's.gov. It's.bosom. Somebody told me to register to vote there, so I went.gov and then, you know, and then I beat off instead on the boob site. All right. Okay. I thought we didn't know that. Why does every story... Every story ends with you saying, you know and then I beat off instead on the boob side alright okay

we didn't know that every story every story ends with you saying and then I beat off and I mean yeah I'm happy I have the I have the first pick in the unreasonable beliefs all fantasy everything's right and I will get to that pick right after

this short break this episode of all fantasy, everything's rap. And I will get to that pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid

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The only podcast that has ever existed. This is it. This is it. If you've listened to a podcast and they were talking about maybe movies that unfairly got a low Rotten Tomatoes score, that was All Fantasy Everything. Well, what about Harper's Podcast Pedophobe? Pedophobe is actually...

That's more of a vibe than a podcast, actually. A vibe is an interesting word choice. Pedophobe is not necessarily a good... I mean, it's not a good or a bad thing. I mean, it's better than pedophile. I feel like we can say it's a bad thing. What, are you afraid of kids if you're a pedophobe? I hate kids that are not related to me.

Oh, dude, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get them away. Unless you have kids out there and I love them. Well, not in a weird way, but... You know what? Pick. Yeah, let's kick this thing off. Alright, here we go.

What happens? What do you believe? The first pick. You don't want to know. I can't wait. In the unreasonable beliefs, all fantasy, everything draft. Leaving a gross mess in the bathroom should be punishable with a death penalty.

Good lord, yeah, I'm with it. I don't think that's that unreasonable. Yeah, I mean... Well, the death penalty part makes it unreasonable. Oh, are we talking poop gross or pee gross? I'm talking about mostly poop gross. Yeah, poop gross is bad. You know when you walk into a bathroom and you're like, what member of society did this?

Yeah, like you try to put... Like, that guy has a job? Yeah, that guy... He pays taxes. It was like, you see that at the airport and you're like, this guy bought a ticket on a plane. This guy can afford a plane ticket., that guy. He pays taxes. It was like, you see that at the airport, and you're like, this guy bought a ticket on a plane. This guy could afford a plane ticket. This guy could afford a plane ticket.

But not to shit in the toilet. No. There's like so much toilet paper in the bowl. There's like so much where you're like, How does that happen? How is there so much toilet paper? Like, they think that's going to mask what happened. I guess you've never had a long layover, huh?

I'm just saying, It looks like they're making a paper mache model of a topographical map of the Rockies. There's enough there that it's like, have you ever seen a toilet flush for real? Yeah, right. Do you know where this goes from here? It's an unreasonable...

It's like you're trying to get the toilet to break up with you. You're putting an unaccomplishable goal on the toilet where you're like, okay, so I guess you just can't handle all this toilet paper, okay? Sorry. And then you're trying to get the toilet to... I'm a toilet paper guy. You're trying to get the toilet to dump you,

so you're a coward. You don't want to do it. I was at a casino in Washington one time, and I saw some unsmeared poop on the toilet paper. It was crazy. What does that mean, unsmeared poop on the toilet paper. It was crazy. What does that mean? Unsmeared poop? Also, we're starting out hard.

Well, no. Imagine this, though. So there's the toilet paper dispenser and on top of it, there's poop that looked like it had been delicately... Wait, not in the bowl? Not in the bowl. On the toilet paper dispenser. So they had to leg up?

I don't know what happened. It was poop that had not been altered. We'll try to remember, Sean. I'm telling you, it was poop that wasn't altered, set up there. I didn't do it for sure. But it was poop that was unaltered up there. Anyway, it was just like... You seem to know a lot about it for someone who didn't do it.

I saw it. I was the next one in. Just because I saw the body doesn't mean I killed the person. You can't bring that through TSA. This was at a casino. Oop, I do it all the time. So yes, I can. In one form or another.

What's the another? Inside of me. I did this for you. I did this because I know what makes you laugh. I don't care about that. You're my friend. It does, yeah. Poop, boner, that makes me laugh too. I know your hot buns. I think it would be hard

to enforce this because when do you catch someone leaving a bathroom in such a state? But I think if people knew and we all agreed that like, hey man, they'll kill you for that. Yeah, yeah. And listen, it's harsh. Yeah. And I think already the criminal justice system is run amok are the words I'll use. And I won't apologize for run amok.

But I mean, this is a family podcast. Yeah. I'll say run amok. I'll say run amok on here. It's not going to be. I'll tell you that. You know how the Fast and the Furious are a family? It's that kind of podcast.

That kind of podcast. Like we drink a lot of Corona. I've just seen things in a bathroom that make me question society and humanity on the same level as genocide. You know what I mean? Where I'm just like, this is the lack of care we have

for one another. I've definitely been in there and been like, oh, this whole shit's coming apart. America is bursting apart at the shit-'s coming apart. Right. America is bursting apart at the shit-covered scenes. Right. If you'll leave this in a bathroom knowing your fellow country person will walk into this room at some point, it's just, what hope do we have? We don't have any hope. Yeah. I get that.

Why don't toilets in public bathrooms flush? They do. They do. But when you walk into them, they haven't. Oh, I wonder how somebody sneaks out. So when there's a bunch of stuff,

how did somebody sneak out without that flushing when it's like an automated flusher? Yeah. Oh, you know what it is? Oh, sometimes the automated thing doesn't register your body. Oddly specific, David. Oh, no, because I'm black,

a lot of them don't register my hands. Oh, it's a race thing. No get it. Oddly specific, David. Oh, no, because I'm black, a lot of them don't register my hands. Oh, it's a race thing. No, it is. That's totally true. We got racist toilets? This is America, dog. Oh, my God. This country was built on racist toilets.

I've used a urinal that wouldn't flush because I'm circumcised. Yeah, I've used a urinal that wouldn't flush because I'm circumcised. Yeah, I've been meaning to uninstall that. Death penalty for bathroom desecrators. Zach Harper, time for your first pick. I'm so angry. Now, let me say this. My parents are here. They're right there.

In the front row. I'm looking at them. Those two. They're also both very sweet. They're the best. I don't want you to blame them for what's going to happen tonight. You were saying that you got some picks that you don't want your parents to hear. Is this the first one? First one. Here we go.

Oh, no. I'm not saying I could do this every time. Oh, no. Harper, what are you going to say? But at a minimum of once. Zach. What are you doing? I think minimum of once, not every time.

I'm not even saying the first time. Harper, I think I could sexually pleasure Rihanna. No, you couldn't. No, you could not. First of all, I hate that you said that like you thought that was something your parents were going to be disappointed in. Like, oh, you don't think your dad's going to think it's cool that you think you can fuck Rihanna? My mom is currently showing my dad who Rihanna is. And his dad's just like, yeah.

He believes in me. Get him, son him son again i don't think it would be a consistent thing it might be a one out of a hundred thing orally what is this like it's like what you can really i think i could i think once in a blue moon she'd be like that was it i think so if she loved you i think think that that love fills a lot of gaps. I am not interested in her love. Oh, Zachary. I don't require it. Your mom is here.

Is there any worry that Rihanna has? I mean, like. Yes. I don't know what the question is, but yes. We don't know what Rihanna's into. Here's what I'm saying. Maybe she's into dudes from Sacramento. That checks out a little bit.

Yeah. Maybe, like, do you think... There's a chance that she has experienced so many... You know what I mean? Like how a comedian where we just laugh at the weird stuff, because we've seen so much stand-up comedy. That's what I'm thinking of.

Like the back of the room would be laughing at Zach when he was doing it. Yeah, like maybe if he came in with his dick tucked between his legs and fucked her backwards, so he's like standing this way. You know what I mean? Like if he Buffalo Bill fucked her, and then like...

Oh, I could do that. I'm just saying, maybe that's all it takes, because it's just all she needs is something original. Ladies and gentlemen, Rihanna! Yeah. I don't even think this is a crazy pick. No. I think you could. I think

the confidence is half the battle. Yeah, I don't think that's even nuts. I think the other half is maybe an uphill climb, but I do think that... Oh, it's gonna be an uphill climb. I think the getting there, yeah, like that's the... I'm not worried about getting there. It's getting yourself in the room.

Then introduce me to Rihanna one of these days. I'm not worried about getting there. You know Rihanna? How are you going to get there? I know people who know Rihanna. Who do you know that knows Rihanna? Don't worry about it. Some DJ from Boise. I run Ticketmaster.

I'm sorry. For everyone who wanted Taylor Swift tickets. Okay, I don't run it? Like, my God. I wasn't excited. You run it. You run it. I don't think that's a crazy, crazy.

You have the stuff that makes sex work. Have you seen Rihanna? If you had like, if your dick was split in half or you were working with something way crazy. But yeah, I think you could sexually You have a lot of sex with people. You're probably good at it. I wouldn't say a lot of sex.

Harper, your parents are here, so know what? Maybe you don't. A$AP Rocky is too pretty to be good at sex and they had a child together. Oh, I disagree. Look at that guy. He's perfect. He's hot and he's beautiful. A$AP Rocky lays

there. How do they fuck? They both lay there? How do they fuck? I bet A$AP Rocky and Rihanna have sex. Rihanna's from a developing nation. She tries hard. Okay, that's probably true. A$AP Rocky doesn't. There's no way A$AP Rocky has ever moved during sex. A$AP Rocky might have an assistant$AP Rocky has ever moved during sex.

A$AP Rocky might have an assistant who comes up and moves him during sex. He does look like he's never sweat before. He's so beautiful. He's been a model since he was like 14. He's not even that good at rapping, and he's like a platinum rapper. He's just so handsome that everyone's like, you must be good at it because you're doing it.

Look at you. Can I say I'm never going to make eye contact with my parents again? No, you really can't. It's going to be a weird Thanksgiving. It's going to be a weird drive home. What have you been up to, Zach? I mean, I've been in Rihanna's DMs. Just constantly.

DM Rihanna right now. Don't you dare. You guys are cheering like anything. You think he's the first dude to be like, I think I told my friends I could sexually please you. I'm going to do it right now. Watch. Watch me.

I'm going to do it right now. What if Rihanna plays NBA 2K and she's like, oh, it's that guy. I don't like us harassing Rihanna. She works hard. He sent her, what's up, boo? As soon as it says seen, let me know. Hold on. It's asking me

what type of products do you have? It's like sample questions you could ask Rihanna. Is this her? She's a merchant in a Nintendo 64 role-playing game. I think I DMed her beauty line. Oh, Savage Fendi? Get me some draws.

Fenty Beauty, yeah. They go for the plus-size gentleman as well. They do. Oh, it's a great line. Zach Harper, you drafted sexually pleasing Rihanna as something you think you're capable of. David Borey, time for a great line. Zach Harper, you drafted Sexually Pleasing Rihanna as something you think you're capable of. David Borey, time for your first pick. So this is one that I'm pretty sure

somebody told me when I was, like, 20. And it's been deba... It's not science, but I still operate it like it's completely true. I'm taking Tequila is a stimulant, not a depressant. Okay, yeah. I... Dude... I get all wasted, and then I'm like, I get all wasted and I'm like, you know what I just need? Another shot

of tequila and then I'm back in the game. I'm with that. It's like I'm drinking coffee and it never ever works out. No, you're like, I gotta drive later. A tequila, please. Yeah, tequila. No, I'm trying to perk up. I need to be alert, yeah. Or it's like, we've had days where it's like, oh, we're day drinking?

I should probably get a tequila because it's three. We gotta go out later. And it never has worked out because it's not fucking real. Don't drink at 2pm is the answer to that. I think it's a stimulant in that when I drink it, I wake up

at 4am with my heart beating like I'm on a ghost hunt. Where you just wake up and you're like, what happened? What happened? What happened? You check all the doors. What happened? You heard something. It's amazing where you hear one thing and you're like,

whether or not that's true, I'm going to carry it with me for the rest of my adult life. I pretend like, oh, I'm drinking light colored liquor. It's light. It's different. It's fine. Jose Cuervo could pull me aside and be like, hey, dude, that whole tequila thing, it's not true. I'd be like, oh, I'm drinking light colored liquor. It's light. It's different. It's fine. Jose Cuervo could pull me aside and be like, hey, dude, that whole tequila thing, it's not true. I'd be like, alright. You mean Joey Cuervs?

Joey Cuervs? Do you think you could sexually please Jose Cuervo? No. No, I don't. That would have been a crazier pick than Rihanna. Well, hold on. Let's stop saying picks. DM Jose Cuervo, are you up? I'm in.

All right, hold on. W-Y-D. No question marks. Jose Cuervo and being up are the not two things I associate with one another. It's going to be when I'm done with him. Jose Cuervo USA or just Jose Cuervo?

Jose Cuervo. Jose Cuervo USA or just Jose Cuervo? Jose Cuervo. All right, I'm in. Jose Cuervo USA? That's a political party. Make sure it's the brand and not like a podiatrist from San Antonio. I'm good either way. It doesn't bother me.

Either way, he's opening with a foot rub. Yeah, either way, I'm trying to smudge. DM scent. I have to stop drinking tequila. I get it. I put it on the no-fly list. I get it. It's a tragedy for me, but after I do, it's like,

maybe this is an unreasonably held belief. I think my hangovers are worse when I drink tequila. I don't think that for me. I don't know what you want me to say in response to that sort of validate me oh yeah I think that you should stop drinking tequila I'm gonna stop drinking it me and Sean

two hours from now well Sean drinks whiskey all the time though yeah yeah that's a good thing yeah all the time not come on no yeah I don't

I don't really, I don't really paint with a lot of brushes. It's kind of these two, White Claw and Jameson. I'll also say that any alcohol can be a stimulant if you have a cocaine dealer's phone number in your pocket. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick.

Let's get actually unreasonable From the deepest parts of my soul And I don't say this lightly Oh, I know what this is Fuck you He talked about it today It's not what you're going to think, I'll pick that second From the bottom of my soul

And it's tough because I'm like, I doubt it But I really, if you hook me up to a lie detector I think I could outrun a bear I see the video i see the footage i see it my wife is a zoology i see it and i'm like and i'm like yeah but i could i could zig and zag and she'll be like the bear no one's ever really done it and in my mind i'm like uh-huh uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. But me, I could. If I ever have to, because I love you and our daughter so much,

I swear to God I could outrun a bear. A brown bear can run 35 miles per hour. That's faster than Usain Bolt, I think. What do you want me to do about it? I don't know what to do about it. It's in my being. Can I ask you, what age were you when you were first like, yeah, I got it?

Kind of. I swear, as soon as the first time someone told me I could. Because, like, you see a bear run, you're like, well, they're huge. I could outrun a bear. And then somebody was like, you can't. Nobody can. And I was like, okay. And then that was before the internet.

I'm going to be honest. I saw you in a foot race three months ago. You couldn't outrun Jeff Tice. Well, Jeff Tice, he had little known fact, outrun a bear like a month before that. So I think I would escape by a narrower margin. The bear might get my belt. The brown bear has awoken hungry after a long hibernation.

It shakes off the days of winter and gazes upon the meadow searching for its prey. It sees an elk, a deer, a jackrabbit, and a 40-year-old with bone spurs. Oh, hey, Laura, look at that sunrise, dude. How dope is that sunrise? Surely it will pursue the jackrabbit. I wish I could change it,

but I think I could do it. I can tell you. Do it. Where's the bear? That's another that's pretty easy to be like. I'm not going to do it. I need you to sort of never leave the city. That's a good advice. As one of my best friends on the entire planet yeah it sucks man

I wish I could change it but I can't can I ask you and this is unorthodox because you mentioned zigging and zagging could you just across the stage show me your outrun of bears

like what, what the... You just want me to stand up and outrun? No. No, I just want to see you... That's the equivalent of me talking about my chest hair and somebody being like, take your shirt off. That's not the same thing. I just want to see...

But what if you took your shirt off and did this? Wait, wait, wait. Okay, wait, wait. Okay, on your mark. Come on up. Wait, wait, wait. I'm not a bear. Okay. On your mark. Come on up. Wait, wait, wait. I'm not a bear. Wait, Ian's the bear?

Sure. Oh, this guy's the bear. This makes sense. Oh, this guy's a bear. Love this for an audio medium. Yes. Okay. But start.

Wait, we have to meet. What's your name, sir? Matt. All right. Matt, can you get back to the exit sign? And then, Sean, how much of a head start does Sean get? Now, what exactly did I not sign up for? What do we think we're going to do?

Matt, don't you tackle me. Tackle him, Matt. We're just... This is just as real as this is going to get. So, Sean, maybe... But what, 10 yards in front of him? I'm sorry, Jamie. Five.

Five. How many yards do you'm sorry, Jamie. Five. Five. How many yards do you think this stage is? Five. I will say this. Matt, if you tackle Sean, I will give you a $50 bill. Yeah. Okay, now it's on the table. Now it's on the table.

Now it's on the table. Matt looks like he wants to tackle me. I will give you a $60 bill if you tackle Harper. All right, come on. So... Oh, shit. What are we doing? This is like three free haircuts at Sauce Money Barbershop.

Oh, I'm ready! Denver, Colorado. So Matt has to catch me? Yeah, but you have to zigzag. You gotta zigzag. It's just across the stage. Wait, I have to go at him? No, you have to zigzag. You gotta zigzag. It's just across the stage. Wait, I have to go at him? No, you have to run away.

Quit filibustering! There's a fucking bear! Yeah. All right, so go like 10 feet in front. You got... Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to him. This is the same Sean Jordan who said,

I don't like the dichotomy of this cell. Now, I don't think Sean's going to do this. All right. So the chase starts on, oh, my fucking God, that's a bear. Yeah. One. Wait, wait. Oh, what a beautiful afternoon it is. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, I love nature. Oh, half dome. Oh, wait. Oh, what a beautiful afternoon it is.

Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, I love nature, though. Half Dome. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Look at the falls.

Did you remember to bring that trail mix? No, I didn't bring the trail mix. I clearly asked you to bring the trail mix. I have some turkey jerky. Oh, it's a bear! Yeah! Tangle him! Tangle him!

Kill him! Murder him! Kill him! Murder him! I lost my arm, I'll tell you that. I'm going to give it to him. Matt's fucking... All right, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt got his paws on me, but you notice I'm here ready to make my second pick.

What happened here? I outran a bear. Sean took your chair and threw his over there. Matt's fucking fast. Yeah. So am I. Oh, my God. Now, let me say this.

If you could Venmo at Talk Hoops $50, I cannot afford what just happened. That was, that's... No, I definitely gave them your money and not mine. I will pay you guys after this.

I'm out of a job in like four months. Quit saying pics. I honestly... I honestly believe that I am in the top 1% of unpaid drivers in the entire world. Here we go.

We were in the car? Where were we? I drive at the level of my competition. If it's not a bunch of race car drivers, why the fuck would I care? I just do what needs to be done. We were in Seattle. It I picked up a car so hard. It was me and you in Seattle.

I was like, I wish Ian would have been in the car to see me do that. Yeah, but I've been in the car with you before. He also didn't say it to me. He was like, fucking, fucking says I'm not one of the 10% fucking top 10% fucking drivers. Top 1%. 1%.

Yeah, 1%. Top 1% of unpaid drivers. So nobody who's ever driven for Uber, Lyft, any Uber Eats. Or even like a wheel man. No wheel man. Like a getaway car. No UPS driver. No NASCAR.

No, I'll give you 20 bucks to give me a ride to work. Tall, Protestant. God fearing. God fearing. I don't know if giving you gas money counts as getting paid to be a driver. No, no. Like if someone's like, I'll throw you whatever, I call that gas money. Oh, because that's where the heat of the top of the competition is.

What? For that group of people. If there's a paper trail, then I'm better than that driver. Anyone who's paid taxes being a driver. And a lot of people who haven't. They still got paid, but they didn't get paid. What rubrics are you basing this on? I have no idea.

Great question. It's the most arbitrary thing. Whenever I'm in the car driving, I'm the best driver that I can see whenever I'm driving. There's 800 people in here. Then I'm, I don't know, my quick math, then I'm better than

all of you except for two-thirds of one of you. I don't know if the math... That cannot be right. What's 1% of 800? It's not two-thirds of one of you. Yeah, it's eight. It's eight because eight times 100 is 800. You know, I just asked Laura

why women don't get prostate exams. Nowhere in here did I say I was the smartest 1% of people. That's true. You just have the skill. Yeah, so I think I'm in the 1% of people. That's true. You just have the skill. Yeah. So I think I'm in the top. What? That's so unreasonable. I'm one of the top eight drivers in this room. Of course. I'm probably the best.

No, that can't be the right. Who thinks they're a better driver than me? Get up here and let's drive around. Of course. Yeah. I know you think you're a better driver than me and you're not. Yes, I do. Yes, I am. Nope. You don't even have a car. I've never seen you drive a car.

So, like, F1 drivers age out of the sport at, like, 28, dude. Like, right? They're paid. They're paid. They're paid. What does that mean? I know, but I'm just saying, like, they're there. I got that.

I did the math on that. What do you mean? Why was that an argument in your favor? Because I'm not better than them. I know, but your eyesight goes a little bit older. But they're paid drivers. He's talking about unpaid drivers. But I'm saying the things that make them worse drivers

have nothing to do with their competition. This isn't going to make any more sense to you. What's happening right now? Yeah, this is not going to work. I'm saying crazy shit I believe in, and I honestly believe I'm one of the top 1% unpaid drivers on the whole planet Earth. I like it. I like

that you think that. I'm not sure you could get away from a bear in a car. I'm with it. Who taught that bear to drive? Those are two different picks. I would park the car and outrun the bear. That's what I would do. Is this a parallel park situation

where you're like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Give me one. It's more of a national park situation if he's sitting up there. I'll out parallel park you and then fuck Rihanna right in front of you. Whoa. Sorry, Laura.

I will not do that. I didn't say I could fuck her before anybody else did. All right. Nobody fucks Rihanna. Anyway. Are my parents still here? I will not make eye contact with them.

That was crass. But I do believe I'm in the top 1% of unpaid drivers on the planet Earth. Okay. Unbelievable. David Borey? I don't even like saying this one out loud. This ought to be good.

I've mentioned it on the podcast. You guys have always downed me for it. But I really do. I think just like when you think about the technology of today that's available, I do think that transition lenses are cool. I think it's cool. I think it's cool. I think it's cool.

I think it's cool. I think it's cool that you have sunglasses and glasses at the same fucking time. I think that's neat. I think that's fucking neat. I think it's fucking neat. I love it. I'm with you. I'm with you. I think that's neat. I think that's fucking neat. I think it's fucking neat. I love it. I'm with you. I'm with you.

I've always said that. I love it. Nobody's ever given me a reason. It's like cargo shorts where it just touches a strange part of a white woman's soul and they're so angry about them. Who cares?

Cargo shorts, transition lenses forever. Fuck you. I think they're cool. I think it's cool technology. Technology, the sun comes out and they turn into different glasses? That's dumb? That's dumb. Fuck you.

That's amazing. I don't understand why we don't put it on windshields. I really don't either. I couldn't be more on board. That is a terrible idea to put it on windshields. I don't. I really don't either. I couldn't be more on board. That is a terrible idea to put it on windshields. I'm excited, Harper. I'm sorry. I have a little passion.

Yeah, I think it's pretty cool, man. They're just not. Why does nobody ever have a reason? I can't explain why. I can't explain why. I don't know how bumblebees fly either. They do. Well, they have wings. That's how.

Yeah, I mean, you dummy. I honestly didn't know that. I don't want to brag here, but as someone who sold Oakleys from 2003 to 2006... You are the most Sacramento dude. And the crazy thing, he didn't even work for Oakleys.

He was just in a bad-ass parking lot. You sold Oakleys for three years? I don't like to brag, but... Let me tell you transition lenses are not it. Why Zach? Because they're a weird blue color like it's it's this

weird. It's this odd like here it's it's day and then it's you're wearing a blue jacket seems to be working out well for you. It didn't fucking change color when it was daytime. It'd be a lot cooler if it did. To his credit,

I did see a BMW the other day that changes color from white to black, and I thought, terrible idea, but I kind of want it. It's cool to change colors for your clothes. It felt like a Grand colors for your clothes. It felt like a Grand Theft Auto thing. I don't know why we lost our sense of wonder as a society, but I think we need it back stat.

I feel just like sunglasses should be classic. I feel like transition lenses are like a vape rig. You know what I mean? I can't explain why, but it's just less cooler than smoking a regular cigarette. I think they're dope. You know what I mean? I'm just like, I can't explain why, but it's just less cooler than smoking a regular cigarette. I think they're dope. Oh, you mean it's healthier for you? You both like transition lenses? Do you feel good about

Sean also liking transition lenses? It takes away from the argument. What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you shouldn't like your ally here. Get your hands off me. I'm getting your back over here. No, I do. Yeah, I think it's... I've said this many times. Like, this isn't a new...

Many times? David just goes and screams this in the mall sometimes. I've just never understood the hate. Nobody's ever had a good reason for it. Then wear them. I don't need glasses, and I lose all my sunglasses. If I needed either... Get some non-prescription transition lenses.

Can you do it? Yeah! As someone who sold Oakley from 2003 to 2006, you can get non-prescription transition lenses. Can you do it? Yeah. As someone who sold Oakley from 2003 to 2006, you can get non-prescription. Really? That's an insane move. Oh, fucking get up. Non-prescription transition lenses, glasses?

That's insane. I feel like you'd get flagged if you order that. Oh, it's a no-fly list situation, but you still can get them. You're not getting a real ID after that. It's an ID card, but I can drive. I mean, no big. I just, you know, I can't get pulled over.

All right. Good to know. Oh, dude. Yeah. Look at that. David's on the booth. It's not even a weird color. It's not even a weird color.

Well, you guys are assholes. Not yet. I think transition lets us to cool. Okay. All right. Okay. I think transition lets us recoup. Okay. All right. Okay. I stand on it. Zach?

Now, let me just say out front, I've mismanaged my bladder. Oh. With that said. Cry me a river. I might pee you a river. I genuinely think I could win an Oscar for best actor. I don't think it's that hard.

I really don't. You are such an asshole. I've seen... What does your bladder have to do with this? Well, because I've really got to pee right now. I'm worried that Ian's going to take long on his two picks. I'm not going to have time to pee. We're going to turn your mic off.

If it allows me to pee, you can turn it off. Walk us through why in art that people devote their entire lives to is not that difficult. If you look at what has won over the years, there's some bad fucking performances that have won, and I just don't think acting is that hard. Who was a bad performance who got an Oscar? Anybody who's not Nicolas Cage. See, this is why I didn't want to sit next to you.

You say things to agitate me. Oh, I'm sorry. He was only named the best actor in 1994. Was it Leaving Las Vegas? It was. He got that? Yeah. And then he got robbed for not only adaptation, but Face Off. Face Off is a fucking banger.

Thank you. You can't have the best actor Oscar go to Face Off. You just can't. Why not? Give me a dramatic monologue right now. Oh, yeah. Good call. Death of a Salesman. I can't dance. That one. Hold on. Death of a Salesman. I can't dance. That one.

Hold on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about how bad you have to pee. Go pee right now. Go pee right now and I'm going to look up.

No, go pee right now. I'm going to deliver my monologue then I'm going to go pee. I'm going to miss your two picks and then I'll be back. How long are you going to pee for? You have no idea.

All right. Here's my monologue. Riri, baby. Nope. Nope. This is an original. There's no originals at the audition. You know I have loved you

from the second I saw you. You do have a great voice. And while these terrorists are trying to swarm our compound... You're not even making eye contact with her. I don't need to. She understands my heart. All right, cut.

There was a boom in the shot. Let's go back to position one. Okay, sorry, everybody. Sorry, Zach. Okay, can we actually get the camera in a little bit closer on his face? All right, okay. Roll sound.

Top of the scene. Action. Riri, baby. You know I love you. Cutting room floor. As people are... As terrorists are swarming this... Alright, cut. Actually, I don't like that whiskey in front of him. Could we switch that up for a gin and tonic?

Alright. Top of the scene. Action. Riri. My love. My one and only. I don't know how much longer we're going to live. What I do know is that I'm going to break you off

like you've never... Well, you probably haven't you off like you've never... Well, you probably haven't broken off like this before, but as I realize... That's your pitch? I'm delivering this monologue in front of my parents! This heart that is in my heart!

Riri, baby! My umbrella of love. Ella. Ella. Ella. Baby... my umbrella of love. Ella. Ella. Ay. I'll never let them hurt you. Now, before we have sex, I need to pea berry.

Yeah, let's give it to Al Pacino again. Yeah, go ahead. That's a good idea. Swing and a miss. We did say unreasonably held beliefs. Yeah, no, that was a good one. I mean, I love Zach, but... Now, let me ask you this. Do I have a better chance of outrunning a bear

or him winning Best Actor? Wow, that's a very good question. Yeah, I guess the bear could have rickets or something. Like, you could get lucky. Like, it could be a sick bear. You can take... You can take acting classes. I don't know if you can...

I mean, I guess you could get better at outrunning bears. Like, maybe there's a slower person there, and then you outrun the bear on a technicality. If it's me and you, you got it every time. If it's you and Jeff Tice, though, no dice. Yeah. Yeah, Tice smoked your ass, but... He beat me. Yeah. Yeah, Tice smoked your ass.

He beat me. Bear got third. But you got back up. Yeah, I got back up. Sometimes I fall down, but I get up again. Yeah, you got heart. Got heart. This has been a weird one.

Yeah, it's going to get weirder, man. I got weirder shit. Yeah, me too. Here's a weird one. Here's a weird one, maybe a quick one for my second pick. And these aren't in order of importance, just on what I feel like talking about. I believe that turning the lights off in a bathroom after you take a shit makes it smell less gross.

And I know that's two bathroom ones in a row. Big bathroom guy. Big bathroom guy. Big poop guy. I'm with you where you shut the lights off and you're like, no one's going to smell this. I'm like, ooh, this bathroom doesn't have a fan. The least I can do is turn the lights off. Yeah, it makes you feel like maybe it's cooler in here.

Where somehow the light is going to heat up the poop molecules. That's exactly what I think, yeah. It's like amateur stuff, but I'm like, okay, sure, that tracks. Okay, so if I turn the lights off, they'll you know, contract and then fall to the ground. What do they sound like when they contract? So I do that as a courtesy. I don't do it for myself either. I do it

for other people. Or maybe people will think, like, if the lights are off, I just saw Ian walking down the hall, but he couldn't have just been in the bathroom. Yeah, the lights are off. He would have left the lights on, especially if he took that shit. This must just be an old poop ghost that lives in this bathroom, and that's just something we all have to deal with as an office.

I picked, I think that if you turn the lights off in the bathroom after you take a shit, it helps it smell less gross. Yeah. I believe that. Yeah, right? Maybe that's not even that unreasonable. It's unreasonable. Okay, thank you.

I think you're with a bunch of unreasonable folks up here. Hell yeah. Okay, here's a pick. My third pick. I know every generation since the dawn of time has thought this.

But I sincerely believe right now that the kids are wrong. Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! They are. Oh man, I had with something like that. That's great. The kids are wrong. What are you wearing?

What the fuck are you wearing? What I was wearing? We made those mistakes so you didn't have to do those mistakes. You're wearing JNCOs? The world's on fire and you're wearing JNCOs? We need one of you to fix this. You can't wear JNCOs. JNCOs are

expensive. They're like 80 bucks now. What the fuck are they doing? I'm making those mistakes tonight. What do you mean? You're going to go put on a sweater vest? What are you talking about? Check out the after party. I think sweater vests look stupid.

I think the fact that we're getting back into boy bands and stuff is dumb. I think it's all dumb. We're making all these mistakes all over again. I just think the kids are wrong. I know I'm wrong about that, but part of. And I just think the kids are wrong. And I know I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong about that. But part of me is like, no, you're right. I think young people are stupid.

Yeah. They are. They are. You get better at stuff as you get old. That's how it works. I just feel like a lot of the fashion, a lot of that stuff, it's just bad. Do you think it's clothes specifically? I think it's clothes specifically.

And I think it's seeing the? I think it's clothes specifically and I think it's seeing the stuff we did repeated back to us. It definitely makes me feel old but I don't think that's why I don't like it. Are you talking about baggy pants? I'm talking about baggy. I'm talking about people dressing like it's the 90s again my brother was just talking to me about the 90s and he was like telling me about how stuff in the 90s was and i was like yeah but there was also

like kids on my bus with butterfly knives yeah like it wasn't like it wasn't like that great yeah they would have robbed you right the bus drivers had butterfly knives. They had to. We've had JNCOs, but we also had bullies. And I think you need both. And I know the kids have bullies now, but they're all on social media. You need a guy named Boofus who's

going to shove you into something. I don't want to say pics, but I'm kind of pro-bully. Oh, crazy. The Sacramento Oakley salesman? The Sacramento Oakley salesman. The number one Sacramento Oakley

salesman. Thank you very much. That's because there were only two. And I murdered the other one. The Sacramento Oakley salesman. Thank you very much. That's because there were only two. And I murdered the other one. The Sacramento Oakley salesman is the sexual maneuver you used to please Rihanna. Yeah, it is. She's going to return him. Oh, yeah. The kids are wrong.

Yeah, no. Hey, I'm with that. Clothing wise. Harper. no. Hey, man. I'm with that. Yeah. Clothing wise. Harper. I gotta be honest. Most of this list. They're doing middle parts. I sincerely don't have an opinion on that.

They're doing middle parts? Middle parts? Bowl cuts? Bowl cuts are fully back. Come on. Fully back. What are we doing here? Oh, for boys?

Yeah. The one that looks like a penis? Everybody looks like... Yeah, the middle part. The middle part of the bowl cut. Dudes are doing that? I never was on board for that even when they were doing it. I had one.

Everybody looks like they're also in home improvement. You know what I mean? It's like Zachary Ty Bryant and every 14-year-old right now. It's jarring. Zach, your pick. I'm sorry to interrupt. I really don't know any kids.

I guess you could clap. I don't know. Feels like maybe there's a whole side of life I'm missing. Like, I don't want any. You know what I mean? Hey, come on. Oakleys. I mean, Oakleys will definitely stop you from having kids.

Well, kids do know. They'll stop you from sticking around. Kids you have a relationship with. It will increase your Trump support, but also decline your virility. I'm pretty sure Pat Jordan was swimming in Oakley's. He was gone.

Too much? No, I liked it. Share your truth, man. I'm trying to if we can get to my picks again. A lot of this list is just to make David mad. Same. I'll say it. picks again. A lot of this list is just to make David mad. Yeah, same. I'll say it.

I've said it before. I think Mozart was a fraud. Okay, here we go. I think Mozart his dad. I think Mozart could play that, but his dad wrote that shit as a way. Now the timeline doesn't necessarily line up. None of it lines up.

But he was worried about Amadeus. Or no, he was worried about Beethoven. Amadeus is Mozart. Don't worry about it. I've had a lot to drink for seven hours. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But he was worried about Beethoven. He saw Beethoven coming down the line.

He thought, fuck, my kid's not going to be as good as him. Someday they're going to name a movie about a dog after this do Beethoven. I have to get this. Well, there's also a movie that was his name. He can play, but he's

not that good at writing music. I got to write this shit. So I think Mozart was a fraud. I think his dad wrote everything, and I don't think you can prove me wrong. Well, you can't prove a lot of stuff wrong. You also didn't make any set. You just were babbling. I'm sorry. Is this the draft

that you can prove things wrong? Galileo was a minotaur. Stop saying pics. Prove me wrong. Isn't it, though, even if it was Mozart's dad composing that music, wouldn't that alone of him being here to be a legend because everyone

was like, oh, this nine year old. I don't know who he was. This nine year old would like, oh, he composed his music and he played the piano so beautiful. I don't know if you play the piano. I actually am not that I'm not that educated. What do you think? What do you think? Well, I will say this. Wait, he played the violin, right?

No. What? He played the violin? I bet he could. We're not the two guys to debate this. That's what's clear, first and foremost. But what I think is, people are like, oh... Because it's also like, no one's keeping books back then.

So it's like... Yes, they were. Yes, they also like no one's keeping books back then. So it's like someone says. Yes, they were. They were. Yes, they were. They've been writing. When do you think this was? I just watched the Da Vinci Code. I know people weren't taking books back then.

That book that was based in the 90s? What are you talking about? That was a book. A bad book. Come on. But. It's actually a pretty fun read. It's a fun.

I mean, so is like green eggs and ham. I don't think there were green eggs. Dana. Yeah, yeah, that's a good call. Dana. Are we going to get an author up here? I've been waiting. Let me say this.

I was not prepared for a scholar to be on stage. She was in the back with us. I was not prepared for her to be on stage. And he wasn't talking any of that craziness. You're so wrong. What? You're so wrong about all of this. Who are you going to believe? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Who are you going to believe? Someone that dropped out of San Diego State or someone who graduated from Brown? Okay, one, I just, I'm so sorry. You realize that like his compositions, his most famous compositions

aren't the ones he did when he was a child. Those were like, oh, it's cool that he can do this. But like the ones that were like, this is amazing

are his adult work. And people were writing, do you think the Da Vinci Code at the birth of Christ was taking place in the same place as when Mozart was alive? Do you think Jesus and Mozart were alive at the same time?

I am... I am... Also, people were keeping books back then. They wrote the Bible. Let me say this. Hold on. Hold on. You bring up great points.

I am woefully unprepared for this conversation, but I will say I think his dad wrote the shit when he was an adult, too. Rebuttal. This is how he became president. Arthur

Mozart wrote that shit. Do you know what his dad's name was? Did you say Arthur? Arthur. Look it up. Can I ask, what century do you think Mozart was in? I know he was in the 18th century to the 19th century. I've looked at Wikipedia about an hour and a half ago.

All right, well, I can't disprove that, so yeah, you're right. I just want to correct you. She said she can't disprove that. That could mean anything. All right, well played. Let me say this. When she walked on the stage, I didn't think it was going to go that way.

No, that was not how I wanted that to happen. I'm not sure that you realize how it went. I feel like I just won Powerball without buying a ticket. You know what? I didn't mean that comment. I feel like

I just bought a pair of fake Oakleys from a scam artist at an Arby's. A scam artist that might please Rihanna someday. You got Noble Bled, bro. You're not going to realize it until later. Transition Lens and Oakleys. You know what's crazy? What's that?

You have a very successful podcast. That's right. Well, I have a moderately successful podcast. I guess I have a moderately successful podcast. I guess I have a moderately successful podcast. Her podcast is so much stronger than ours combined. I know. It's much better. It's very big.

It's very big. But we're taller. Yes, we all are. Dana, please come back up here to show that on camera. Dana, no need. David Bowie, time for your third pick. All right. The fourth six-footer on the stage is going to...

Oh, I know that this has come up in the media a lot recently. Oh, okay. Let's get it. Let's get it. What do you think I was going to say? I hope it's about the White Lotus. I hope Semitism is not in your vocabulary.

Nope, that's not where I'm going. Free our guy Kyrie though, huh? We all heard David say it. 14 points tonight. He did a great job. Did he? It's easy to hear with no mask on. You can hear anything he said the whole time. This is not going how I want. I'm saying, I know that this has come up a lot recently.

There was an episode of a television show about it that you won't believe me, but I may have directly influenced. I'm saying that Goofy's black. Oh! I've been saying it since 1994 to anybody who would listen there's no reason for it

it's clearly there's no race involved but yeah I've always felt a kindred spirit to the entire goof clan I also think Pete and his son are black and whatever Pete's hot wife was Dominican maybe I have some questions and whatever Pete's hot wife was, Dominican maybe.

I have some questions. And I also think Mr. Clean is a Puerto Rican, and that's it. And I have no reasons for any of this. Yeah, here you're getting a pick bundle. When do you think, wait, do you have a question? Why did he get to make four picks there? That was... I mean, so you can't... Were going to pick that Pete from Goof Troop's wife was Dominican?

Well, I guess I can cross off my list. To use David's words, you can't cool down a hot boy. You know what I mean? You got to let him go. Put it on my tombstone. What? When do you think Goofy became black? Is there an era?

Because I feel like... I don't think the old instructional movie Goofy... I feel like... You remember those? That's not black, right? No, I think Ahuhuhui... Goof Troop. Is black?

I think Goof Troop era is black. What about Gorsh? Is that... Yeah. The diaspora is a lot more than just cool rappers, Ian. All right. There's blurbs. I'm not attacking you.

I'm not attacking you. I'm not attacking you. It's really just a skin tone. You can be a nerd who seems to not get laid often but has a kid somehow. I'm Terry. I'm Terry Gross, baby. I got no dog in the fight.

You know what I mean? All things considered. I'm just saying stuff. Yeah, I've just always felt that way and there's no reason for it. Okay. I do feel like the Goofy movie, yeah. I feel like, yeah.

Did somebody, you said something in the media? Oh, there's an episode of Atlanta about it. Oh, really? Yeah. Very good episode. You consider Atlanta the media? Atlanta in the shade room. What's your media? I don't feel comfortable answering that question. No, I don't want you to answer it either.

You've been saying Goofy is black. Do you think there's a chance that Atlanta somehow took your scholarly works and turned them into an episode of their TV show? I think that there is a way that stuff that I have said and conversations that I have said have been talked about in that room. What the fuck did that even mean? Did you just get a cease and desist

on stage? I'm not going back to jail, though. On court in the streets, playboy. Cease and desist. They were in Junior Mafia, right? Seize and desist. Yeah, no, there's no reason for it. You guys ever feel that way? Yeah, absolutely.

Three white guys, you guys ever feel that way? You guys ever like, that character's for sure black? Absolutely. Absolutely. For sure. I don't know if I want this to go any further. Let's just do another 35 minutes on it, and then we'll be good.

I don't think you want Walt Disney to have thought that Goofy was black. He was dead long before Goofy got popular. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I feel like later iterations of People in Charge probably had the best of intentions. Yeah. You think Bob Iger had

those kind of intentions? Yeah, I think Bob Iger's alright. Alright. Everyone here in show business thinks Bob Iger's all right. I love Viacom. Yeah, me too, man. I can't get enough of Viacom. Sumner Redstone, the other Redstones.

Sign me up, dude. I love health insurance. Sean Jordan! Time for your third pick. That's right, your third pick. Yeah, we're banging him out. I don't think, if you take every party involved,

that there has ever been a fully successful threesome. If you take everybody and want them all to have a good time, I do not think everybody as a whole has gotten done with a threesome and been like, dope, dope, dope. All of us.

I fully don't think that's ever happened ever. So, you know. Respectfully. You fucking... You, your dreams, and Rihanna, huh? I don't know if that's accurate. It's fucking accurate. I've talked to three people who had a threesome

and were like, oh, yeah, it was pretty cool. At least one of them's lying. I'm not saying it wasn't cool, but I'm saying one of them left like, ah, I don't know. I don't know if I really was doing what I wanted to do or if I got it done the right way. I'm not sure how much I believe

in a fully successful twosome. Now that I agree with. It's tough. You only like onesomes? I just don't think there's ever been Now that I agree with. It's tough. You only like onesomes? I just don't think there's ever been a threesome where everybody was like, that was amazing on all fronts and none of us are lying. I believe in lying.

I don't think anyone's ever been like, I wish I would've gotten more. I mean, believing in lying is not a hot take. I just don't think there's ever been a full-on perfect threesome with three people. Never. I just don't think there's ever been a full-on perfect threesome with three people. That just feels like a scholarly work to me. I think you might be right. Is anyone here

in the crowd, do you feel like you've been a part of a fully successful threesome? Yeah, a bunch of people. It's very common. People gangbanging like it. People... If you said like 12, I'd be like, yeah.

People think they have... Mom and dad earmuff kiss. Wait, have you ever had a threesome? Have you ever had a threesome? No. So this is a crazy place to come from that. Isn't unreasonable the first word in this draft? Yeah, that's fair.

You got you there. I'll tell you what. It's true. I know what I bet it would be like, and somebody is leaving bunk. You don't think there's stuff that you couldn't imagine? You don't think you might have some blinders

to how great a three-way could be? If I may, what do you think it could be like? That's what I'm going to say. For me, I think I would be terrified. I think I wouldn't be able to do the job the right way The first time You can have more than one threesomes There's no cap

What if you had a threesome And there was one of those dudes who directs planes in Sort of telling everyone I think that helps That's what I'm saying You would need an intimacy coordinator What if you had 50 th I think that's what I'm saying. Like, you would need, like, an intimacy coordinator. What if you had 50 threesomes? You don't think you could have one go well?

A 150 threesome. 50 is a lot. I think I could outrun a bear, and I don't think I could perform well in a threesome. If you... I wish that you could hook me up to a lie detector test right now to know how serious I am. I totally believe you.

I think I could more easily outrun a bear than satisfy to anybody in a sexual situation. But you said you think there's never been one. Never. And I don't think this is an uncommon opinion. Never. Do you, Donald? Freddie Mercury walked this earth.

And somebody was, somebody was doing more for him than Freddie did for them. I mean, it's not fucking brain surgery. But that's okay. They might have left

being like, all right, Freddie Mercury, I got to go over or whatever. You were believing in like a perfect triangle of sex

where that's what you're asking for. But that doesn't, but there can be other kinds of successful, right? Every single time I've ever had sex,

we're both completely satisfied. So number four then, right? Every single time I've ever had sex, we're both completely satisfied. Okay. So number four then, right? Yep. You are the most complicated guy I know. I think babies can see ghosts. Because they haven't had the media

creeping in and be like, ghosts aren't real. I swear to God, babies, when they're looking up in the corner, they're not just being babies, it's a ghost. Does anybody here have a lie detector test? I believe this. No, they don't. Why would that be something someone brought to the show? I don't know.

You think... Hold on. Flask. I don't think that one is as crazy as the threesome don't know. Hold on. Flask. I don't think that one is as crazy as the threesome thing at all. We're losing focus that I can outrun a bear. That's the only one that's impossible. That's proven to be impossible. The other two are theoretical. You did zigzag.

I did outrun it. You got my arm. I'll give you that. You got your arm? I still got my beating heart. Oh, he got his arm. Yeah, he got my arm. That's gone. I think babies can see ghosts. What do you want to do about it? You don't think it's just like a shiny thing hit the corner? If that shiny thing is dead and haunting the house. I'm not saying there wasn't a shiny person who died and became a ghost and is still shining at the crib.

So you recast Ghostbusters with nothing but babies. Well, no, then it's a documentary. Then what are we doing? Then they're just like, there's a ghost, there's a ghost. What age, what happens, what's the cutoff? Or do some people not have a cutoff? There we go, there we go. Now we're fucking cooking with gas.

Now we're stirring the chili a little bit. we're fucking cooking with gas. Now we're stirring the chili a little bit. Hold on, hold on. Did you just stop yourself from saying three? Yeah, I'm saying two. Two is the cutoff. I think you start to communicate and then adults creep into your brain and kill all your fun

and tell you that ghosts aren't real. And then three ways aren't satisfying. All the stuff adults do. What happened in South Dakota? Dog, I've been trying to piece it together for you. Yes. They may have looked like ghosts. Those weren't ghosts.

And they're very real. The Klan? Jesus. Jesus. Nobody said anything about the Klan. Jesus. Jesus. Nobody said anything about the Klan. No, I did. He did. Geez, I think babies can see ghosts.

I was going to say South Dakota. Klan members of South Dakota. It's not a controversial thing. They're here, too. Not even a new one. No. Okay, so babies can see ghosts. And then adults talk them out of it.

Not on purpose, but I think through the general mores of society, a two-year-old realizes ghosts aren't real. You have a baby. Do you plan on having the talk with them when they turn three? You want to hear something insane?

I think my baby can see ghosts. I know you think that. It's intense. What ghost do you think she's seen? Tupac is at my house. For sure. Other than Tupac. Sorry, I didn't specify.

It's just Tupac. Big L. Yeah, yeah. Big L. Do you think any babies slipped through the cracks and then got to adulthood and could still see ghosts? Or do you think it's like every baby gets cut off?

Well, I think that's how we get David Blaine, Chris Angel. David Blaine street magic? How do you think they're doing a magic trick? The ghost is helping. David Blaine. You think David Blaine can see ghosts? I think Zach Harper looks a little bit like David Blaine. David Blaine is a fucking fraud.

Let me tell you about this David Blaine. His dad does his magic tricks for him. I bet you he's got Rihanna's phone number. David Blaine will say, I'll hold my breath for 12 minutes, and then he does eight minutes, which is fucking impressive. don't get me wrong, but it's not 12.

Listen, we're talking about babies seeing ghosts, and that it's a fact. Now, that was my fourth pick, and I'll thank you kindly for us to move on. David Bowie, time for your fourth pick. How did Sean just box me in? I have no idea how that went. Yeah, he got you.

Yeah, he got me. You and Sean are like the sneaky champs of this draft. Like, both of you come away. I don't have no idea how that went. Yeah, he got you. Yeah, he got me. You and Sean are like the sneaky champs of this draft. Like both of you come away. I don't think that's a compliment. I don't mean sneaky like... Sneaky doesn't really go with compliment a lot. No. It's usually a bummer.

I think that I could play a successful series of D1 football right now. Right now? Right now. There it is. There's the part. There's no reason for it. There's no reason for it. There's no reason for it. Matt, get back up here.

I think that... Get his ass, Matt. Don't you dare. Just one series? Oklahoma drill now. What's a series? Four downs or all the way to score a turnover? Just a 10-yard possession, whether or not they...

Okay, but score a turnover was an accurate thing. Yeah, I think it's like three runs and a punt. I don't think I would die if I went in there. That's what I'm saying. I think I could do it. Yeah. Three runs and a punt. Do you think you would be effective? Well, not dying isn't doing it. I guess if death is the not doing it, then yeah.

Is death not being able to do it? Because then I could probably do it too. If I didn't die? Well, are you going against like Northwestern? It doesn't matter. They're not going to kill me. What's the worst D1 division? Oregon State. Come on!

Oh! Oh, man. Yeah. I like that. That was it. Ducks. I went to Portland State. I have no skin in this.

We've been talking about that setup for weeks. That's the whole point of this whole show. Not to brag, I got a partial academic scholarship to University of Portland. It's not a big deal. I don't want everyone to freak out about it. Go Pilots. Yeah.

Go Pilots. That's one of the myriad of reasons that Oakley is a great company to work for. It is. Did you sell Oakley's longer than you went to that university? I sold Oakley's longer than I've done fucking anything. So you beat defensive tackle. Yeah.

Your position in high school. Yeah, yeah. How close did you get to going to play in college? You did play in college. No, I ran away from home. But you went to a small school, right? Or did you not? No, I ran away from home. But you went to a small school, right? Or did you not? No, I ran away from home.

I had a very troubled next year. You ran away from home? I don't want to get into this. He ran away pretty fast and dodged a lot of cars when he was doing it. Didn't you go to a small school in Oklahoma? I went there to play football, but I was kind of not doing the things that I needed to when I got there. This is too personal. Wait, what do you want?

I'm saying on paper what I want. All right. A successful series of D1 football. I think it's fair. I think up until like... You know how on the line sometimes you disappear for a few plays? Nobody knows you got pancaked.

Nobody knows you got pancaked. In this day and age, with the way they're... If they're airing it out... You know how sometimes you get a tackle just because you went with the flow? Yeah. Like you almost got pushed into the play? Yeah. Three of those, baby?

Okay. And a fucking punt? Let's fucking do it. Put it on the stat sheet. You got eligibility left? Yeah, your boy's a Razorback. Let's go fucking go. I never, oh, I never started eligibility.

I'm saying. I could redshirt tomorrow. Sign him up. We have college football people. Northwestern has a 35 year old red this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by schedule 35 now microdosing is an absolute game changer i have never heard a bad word about it and like we said this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could, let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay, which man, wouldn't that be nice?

And it's going to do it all day long. It's like a Swiss army knife for your mind. Might sound like a magic pill. I know I said it before, but that's, I swear to God, it's the plot of Limitless. It might sound like that, but you can actually get it done. There's the magic of microdosing with Schedule 35. Their products, they're backed by science and dosed to a precise amount so you get exactly what you need to tackle your toughest days. And you don't get the hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to destigmatize and educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there

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Back in 2002, it starts with back in. I fully believe and still to this day, one on one, I would fucking wreck Mateen Cleaves

for Michigan State point guard championship point guard, championship point guard, NBA player for like four years. I would fucking wreck Mateen Cleaves. Is this a sex thing?

Wreck him. Don't worry about it, David. Just know I would wreck him. Is your fifth pick gonna be for unreasonable things that everybody would know who that is? I... Laura graduated from Michigan State.

She probably knows who it is, but it's like, holy buckets. Mateen Cleaves, championship starting point guard for the Michigan State Spartans. In 2002, I would fucking destroy you. You think you would hit him in basketball? You took him back two decades. Are you in 2002 too? It doesn't fucking matter.

Is it 20? It could be 2022. It matters. It could be 2019. It could be 1919. I would fucking wreck Mateen Cleese. What shoes are you wearing in 1919? I would be fucking barefoot.

It doesn't matter. Crossover, pull up, jumper, dotting his eye. You're going to have trench foot if you're barefoot. Listen to me. Listen to me. I love you. Okay? His name is Mateen Cleaves.

Hold on. Your name is Mateen Cleaves. Hold on. Your name is Zach. Let me rebut this. Scene. Sacramento, California. Date. Oakley Kiosk. 2002.

Pre-Oakley Kiosk. One year before the Oakley Kiosk. 2002 pre-Oakley kiosk. One year before the Oakley kiosk. Juvie. It is basketball town East Sacramento. The and one mixtape tour comes to Sacramento

prior to their deal with ESPN. You sneakily told me this pick backstage. I fucking wrecked sick with it. Look him up. This dude was a tertiary and one mixtape tour guy. Yeah, definitely not like a A1, not B1, but C1. I fucking wrecked him.

Now, did he get me back like nine times in a row? It doesn't matter. We're not talking about that. But I cross, cross, hit a jumper in his eye and Mateen Cleaves is not ready for it. He sure is, but I like

your moxie, but he's ready for it. But I like where you're going. You know what? 2002? I dunk on his ass. Okay. Try to get in the way of that bear that's chasing me while this is happening. I'd dunk on that bear too. Sorry, stop saying pics. This has gotten

so much weirder than I thought. I thought it was going to be pretty weird. I honestly didn't even think I was going to get to this pic. I got a lot weirder. Pic number four for Ian Carmel. Already?

Yeah. Already. It's already number four? I might not spend the time talking about this one. I just want to get it out there. I just want to put it on the record. We don't have to discuss it for a long time. I think Jews are disproportionately represented in Hollywood because we're better at it.

Sorry. This? Sorry. Sorry This Stop it Zach Sorry We got a pretty good track record You don't like it? You don't like the movies? You don't like the stand up comedy? Yes you do

Let us fucking live Let us fucking live. Let us cook. You love everything coming out of the kitchen, all right? I don't love all the IP stuff that's going on. That's not us. I don't think that's you. That's not us. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me say this. Go on. Please, Harper, I was wondering. Yeah, say it, Harper. Respectfully. Uh-huh. That usually means disrespectfully. I agree with everything you just said.

Yeah, that's right. God damn it. Anyway. I love Viacom. What a weak smattering of applause after that, by the way. No, that was a complicated pick. Well, the Irish help a lot, too. They do? No, they did not. A lot of cameras.

They're going to hang lights and whatnot. I'm going to do the same thing for basketball when it comes to me. I'll do it for Daniel Day-Lewis. There are a lot of great Irish actors. They're fantastic. Poetry and the soul. A lot is aggressive.

Much like the Jewish people. We don't have to discuss it. No, I don't want to. I would prefer we don't. I would love to get everyone's take on it on the record. I like working. I agree with you. Yeah, I'm a big fan of IACOM.

Love my wife. Stoked on my daughter. It's time for my final pick already. Can you believe that? Wow. What do you guys think about the Jews in Hollywood? We're going to have exclusive live show merch for sale. Yeah, that's right. Right out that door. We have t-shirts. We got a Big Dog t-shirt. We got a to have exclusive live show merch for sale.

We have t-shirts. We got a Big Dog t-shirt. We got a Clive Owen t-shirt. We have a Clive Davis t-shirt. Clive Davis. Not Clive Owen. I have one Clive Owen t-shirt that I wear to bed once a week. We have Clive Davis merch where he looks like Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I feel like you're dancing around my question. Download Cinepho.

Keep the five star rating. Alright, here we go. I feel like you're dancing around my question. Download Cinepho. Keep the five-star rating. All right, here we go. I feel like, I mean, for my fifth pick, I'm going to cede it to a couple different people. I'm going to bring up a guest speaker. I'm going to fuck up the bench. I'm going to call the bench. Oh, good call.

I'm going to go, we're in Portland, Oregon. I'm going to go, not on the podcast, but in the building. I'm going to bring up Nick Nampay to make my fifth pick. Wow. Let's go. Donde? He's in the middle of all the Carmel's. Let me say, less than two

hours into meeting Nick Nampay, he told me he was a floor people. Yeah, we met at Las... Conegas? We met in Las Vegas is what we did. Woo! All right.

What are we drafting? Unreasonable opinions? Sure. Nick, you've been here the whole show. All right. So I got one. It's pretty specific.

I think everybody in the crowd will agree with me. It wasn't unreasonable in 2007, but I got one. It's pretty specific. I think everybody in the crowd will agree with me. It wasn't unreasonable in 2007, but I stand by it today. I feel like the Blazers absolutely should have grafted Greg Oden over Kevin Durant. Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Absolutely. Absolutely. This is probably the most... Complicated. It's complicated. If I may, if I may, if I may weigh in, you may say as a paid basketball expert, he talks hoops when they made basketball shaped oakley's they do

over the tops. Gregon was absolutely the right pick. Yes! There it is. Kevin Durant could not bench press a thimble at that point. He was so small. He was so skinny,

and Greg Oden was a man at nine years old. Get on YouTube. Watch all 52 games he played. He was amazing for all of them. He was incredible. You're made of glass. I'll fucking break you. Don't you talk about Greyhound like that.

Unless you're bigger than me, then I take that back. Saying that with the tiniest mic stand I've ever seen in my entire life. It's real awkward, yeah. They gave me a chance to have a bigger mic stand. I said, no, this is good. I like that pic.

That's good. That's a great pic. Nick Nampe. God damn, you're dope. We've also never seen Kevin Durant's dick, and a lot of us have seen Greg Oden's. I've seen Kevin Durant's dick, and a lot of us have seen Greg Oden's. I've seen Kevin Durant's dick. I try to say that once a day.

What does it look like? Describe it in detail. Yeah, win that second Oscar real quick. Oh, to be Kevin Durant's dick. Okay. You know what? I came up with the idea for All Fans See Everything. I'm going to do a second pick.

I'm bringing my wife up to do my second. One more guest pick. I want one more guest pick. Wow. You get six picks? Six. This is number one best-selling author on the New York Times, Dana Schwartz. I think if my pick is good, it shouldn't count for Ian.

I think you already got five, and this is an independent pick. Oh, respect. Okay, so we all know the queen died. What? Yeah, I know. The new king right now is King Charles. My unreasonable opinion, and this is a real opinion

that I think would help the monarchy a lot, I think they should skip Charles and skip William and go directly to little Prince George. Go to the little toddler. Historically, in English history, when there has been a child king, it does not go well.

There's civil war, there's anarchy, because that was when the king held power. Nowadays, the king's main purpose is to be cute on stamps and smile, and he has little rosy cheeks and he wears little shorts and he won't say anything that people are mad about. Make him king.

That's King Little King George. I have a question. King George V. Can this little child lead Britain into war? He should. If he's in little shorts and has a little sword,

how cute would that be? Yeah. I like it. Yeah, I'm in. I love this pic. This is better than any of Ian's pics. Alright, I get six picks. Fantastic.

Zach Harbour, time for your fifth pick. I also have a guest picker. Rihanna, come up here, baby. Oh, she's not here. I legitimately believe this. I legitimately believe this. I believe that you believe this. I think that I could start a cult.

Lead it to a thriving nature. Yes. I didn't ask for analysis Somebody said narcissism in the crowd I think Somebody had to scream out And say narcissism from the crowd I think we could evade the FBI

Oh my god Escape into the woods Where I would build a colony Of log cabins that we would be safe in forever. I mean, that's unreasonable for damn sure. You ever have those

dreams where you get in a fight, but it's like you're punching underwater? Yeah. That's what this whole thing feels like. Yeah. To me. Here's the thing whole thing feels like to me. Here's the thing. The FBI not that good at their job. They're not that good at their job. Okay?

They want to get into a forest war with me? Yes! That's exactly what they want. They love that shit. A forest war? Good fucking luck. I got bears that I have trained to attack Sean Jordan. You'd be an easy W.

You'd be an easy W for him. That was insane. That was insane. Now there's a bear army that you trained? There's always been a bear army. I should be the one training the bear army. You couldn't handle it. They couldn't catch me.

I'll tell you that. I'll run all the motherfuckers. David Boyd, time for your fifth pick. I should be the one training the bear army. You couldn't handle it. They couldn't catch me. I'll tell you that. I'll run all the motherfuckers. David Boyd, time for your fifth pick. I mean, if you got to go to the bench, I'm going to the bench. I'm picking our super producer. Whoa!

Mars Mount. Mars! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Look at that goddamn dress. Oh man, I'm so embarrassed by this pick. I really didn't want to pick it. Oh, we can tell you all the Harpers real quick. I've got a lot still on the board.

This is the only one that really spoke to my heart and is true to me. And I really didn't want to pick it because the response can be just so polarizing. It's the biggest conspiracy theory that I believe in. And that is that the GameStop stock can still moon. Wow. I believe it. Wow. We're going to still moon. Wow. I believe it. Wow. We're going to the moon.

I'm not smart enough to talk about stocks, but there is a surefire way of getting there if everyone directly registers their shares, and we're currently 30% of the way there. So it's slow, but it's possible. You've already given more information on that stock than I've ever heard before. Are you going to get a shutdown by the FCC?

What's going on, the SEC? I totally know what you're talking about, so I don't have any questions at all. All right. I completely understand. Let me amend my last pick. Mars could start a cult. Lead it to a...

How cool is this dress? I'm obsessed with it. Yeah! Hey, I'm in. Okay. Hell yeah. GameStop's coming back. Mars, everybody.

Come on, the super producer. Yeah! Yeah! I worked at a game crazy and the only stock that they're interested in is so many Game Boy cartridges. Like Pokemon Game Boy cartridges.

Dr. Mario was a great game. Dr. Mario, dude. You know that I'm the best Dr. Mario player that you were ever going to see. And there's the fifth pick. No, it is not. That is a fucking fact. Don't you say that you broke the world record but nobody saw?

Is that it, right? No, that's true. You want this to be a different vibe. You keep talking. Here's a Dr. Mario prescription. You told me that, right? I did break the world record. You really did, though. I did. I sat in my living room, broke the world record. It took like five hours and then I emailed Twin Galaxy and I asked them how to get

it on the site. Whole shit at that time had to be on wax and there couldn't be Harper. There couldn't be more than a 40 second break and it was VHS. I never did it. Did you just email them saying, hey, I broke it. You're going to have to take my work for it.

I was like, how do I get credit for it? What do I do? And they were like, it's got to be this. And it took me a couple years to do. They just got email in South Dakota in 2019. That did not happen. Anyway, so yeah. I believe you.

I don't know why you would lie about it. No, that's one of those things that why would you lie about? For my fifth pick, I'm going to go to the bench, too. I run a show in Portland called Faded. My co-host is going to come up here and make the last pick of this whole draft. Where you at, Shane Brennan? Get up here.

Shane Brennan. Yeah. Oh, shit. Out of the shadows. Hi, everybody. Please come to our show. Shane, real quick. Yeah.

Did Sean win funniest person in Portland or did you? Oh, I did. Okay. Yeah. Harper woke up and chose violence today. Why are you trying to pit me against my boy? I am drunk. I can see that.

I think I bought you that one. Anyway, yeah, I'm Portland's 20th person in 2022. No big deal. I've been terribly embarrassed the whole time I was sitting in the corner trying to think about this pic. Because I think people are going to think that I'm acting very light-skinned with this pic. Who would think that? Who would ever say that about you? You. I'm listening.

I love you and your Caribbean heritage. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, man. I know. Okay, so during... When we were stuck in our homes during the lockdown, there was a night where my wife came into my...

We sleep in separate... No, I'm just kidding. I was in my little room, my room where I had my PlayStation, my TV, my sneakers, all that stuff, and she came to knock on the door because she was trying to sleep, and I was playing too many Drake videos

on YouTube. Yeah. Are you okay? Are you okay? Shane said Drake videos on YouTube and David spit so much white claw. Oh no. I've never seen that happen for real. Like for real I've never seen it.

For real. That was crazy. It was a spit tank. Oh, my God. It really was. Oh, my God. Use your words, David. Jesus.

Yeah, put a bow on it. Okay. What's the pick? Okay, all right. So, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She knocked on the door. She's like, hey, babe, I can hear that you're enjoying yourself in here,

but can you maybe turn the drink videos down a little bit? And I had been drinking in that room, enjoying these videos, and I looked at her. Shut the fuck up. I looked at her with 100% just very earnest. I was just like, I think Drake stole my life. You think Drake stole your life? You said that to your wife that Drake isn't married to.

I said that to the woman I loved and promised to be with for the rest of my life. And she said, you know what? Yeah, he probably did, babe. That's a good partner. She's a good lady. She's a really good lady. Where?

If you had to identify a moment where you and Drake, where the paths sort of parted, this Canadian child actor, and you were from Memphis, Tennessee, and you and this Canadian child actor again from Toronto, child actor.

That is correct. And you were a kid from Memphis. Right, Memphis, Tennessee. Entered the military, became a stand-up comedian. Child actor. That is correct. And you're a kid from Memphis. Right, Memphis, Tennessee. Entered the military, became a stand-up comedian. Shelby County, yep. Multi-million dollar platinum rapper.

Same life. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm never gonna... I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you over this for the next 40 years. If you guys knew the conversations that we've had,

and Shane, like, drunk at 3 in the morning, like, I'm not that light-skinned! And then you just come in here, and you're in the room! You're in the room! But I am that light-skinned. What's the best I ever had? And she's like, what are you doing? Baby, he's me.

Jesus, man. What's happening right now? I don't know. I'm sorry I ruined your plan. At what moment? When did it change? When could you have been Drake? Because Drake's dad is famously, he was a known pimp in Memphis.

Okay. He was a known pimp. And I grew up in Memphis. And I remember when I was a freshman in high school and I was working at the finish line at the Mall of Memphis. Yeah. And a young Aubrey Graham came in. And he was only famous on Degrassi at that point. And the two of you touched the same sneaker

right when a lightning bolt hit the mall. It did. It was a real parent trap situation. I don't know what happened. Freaky Friday, Freaky Friday. I'm sorry, yes, Freaky Friday. But I just feel like, you know, I'm a talented guy.

You are. I have a talented guy. You are. I have a rap mixtape that's just floating around Dat Piff right now. Play it right now. It's Nike's and Adidas. It's a diss track to Sean's shit. But I just feel like he's a very talented guy. And I'm an actor. And I feel like, you know, are you throwing up in your mouth right now?

What's happening? I'm just, because they don't understand our rep up in your mouth right now? What's happening? Because they don't understand our They don't understand But you understand that The ramifications of what you've said here tonight Will be felt Throughout The extent of our relationship

I will never ever forget that this happened This is like Christmas for me Thank you Happy Kwanzaa buddy I love you Shane I will never forget that this happened. This is like Christmas for me. Thank you. Well, Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa, buddy. I appreciate it. No, no, no, no, no, no, Shane.

You gotta say Happy Hanukkah if you're Drake. Happy Hanukkah. There he is! He is Drake! Oh my God. He is. That motherfucker. A spit take.

There is White Claw all over that monitor right now. I can look at it. I'm sorry, man. Fucking. Oh, that one's fucked up. He's going to get so many memes. Oh, it's going to be so bad for him. To recap the picks. Oh, it's going to be so bad for him. To recap the picks.

Oh, shit. I went first. I took people who befoul a bathroom deserved the death penalty. I think turning the lights off after you've defiled a bathroom makes it smell better. The kids are wrong about the clothes. Jews are really good at Hollywood, and that's

why there's so much of us there. And then Nick Manpay said Greg Oden was the right pick over Kevin Durant, and I co-signed that. I co-signed that. And my sixth pick, which I get, is that they should have skipped right to King George, and that was Dana Schwartz making that pick. Everybody listen to Noble Blood,

the only other podcast. Zach Harper, you went second. You think you can sexually please Rihanna? Yes, motherfucker. You can win an Oscar for Best Actor. Mozart was a fraud and his dad wrote all his music. In 2002 or any year,

you could beat Mateen Cleaves in a one-on-one game of basketball. I stand by that. And you could start a successful cult and win a forest war with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Yep, that all tracks. David Boyd, you went third. You took you still believe tequila is a stimulant.

You took that you think transition lenses are cool. Goofy is black. You could successfully execute a series of division one football right now and then Marissa came out here and she said that she thinks the GameStop stock can still go to the moon it can go to the moon

to the moon baby I stand by every pick Sean you went last you took you think you can outrun a bear you're in the top 1% of unpaid drivers. You believe there's never been a successful threesome. Babies can see ghosts.

And then Shane Brandon came out here and he took what did he take? Jake stole his life. Yeah. Let's end every show that way. Amazing. We left a lot of good stuff on the board. Did we? Yeah, I think so.

I think horses understand me and I could ride any of them, even wild ones. I could absolutely beat up a pack of wolves. Yeah. No one's ever been, like, attractive in a turtleneck. There's definitely something that was on my... Oh, God, no. What are you talking about? You are insane sexually.

That's a sexy shirt, dude. No, it is not. I think vegans are right, but it doesn't matter because it makes life more boring. I think I could successfully build a log cabin with my hands. I'll buy that.

Cake as a breakfast food. I could befriend a shark and ride him through the ocean. I think I could do a pretty good job of being mayor of a city this size or smaller. Couldn't do worse. If you'll allow me to do something that is traditionally your role, Sean Jordan.

Of course. To do a show here in Portland where I'm from and where Sean started comedy and where David has visited and where Zach Harper is no longer welcome. To have all of you here means so, so, so much to us as a podcast, as a...

It's fucking amazing. Thank you so much for coming. And I also just want to say, for me, a person who was born and raised here, I grew up in Beaverton, anyway, the top of the food chain where champions are born, to get to do this podcast here at Revolution Hall in front of 820 of you is so special for me, but it's even more special because

when I first started doing improv in this city 15, 16 years ago at the Brody Theater or at a club underneath a Mexican restaurant that I don't even remember the name of. There were 10 people in that crowd. And it's so nice that there's 820 of you here. That's fucking amazing. But like those 10 people have been at every show along the way. And so I want to say a very extra special shout out to St.

Sue Carmel sitting right there. Yeah! Who could outrun a bear. I love you, Mom. Thank you so much. She's been my biggest fan who's been at every show along the way, including this one. And this will be the last All Fantasy, everything.

We're going to slide that in at the end. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But I love you, Mom. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Do you have a pick? Yeah.

Okay, yeah. I gotta be honest, I couldn't either. This is... Everybody listening, she said she couldn't figure out what we were doing. Hilarious. I feel it. It's unreasonable things we believe.

Granted, it's really more of a platform for us to get some takes off, but you know. What are you going to do? It's the end of the draft already. Let me see if we were DM'd me back. How do I normally end this podcast? We want to hear from you. We want to hear your picks.

There we go. Marissa, you'll make all this work, right? We want to hear from you. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. That's on the internet. That's a website right there. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to everyone

on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the AFE shaslackity. Shout out to Ryan, the firefighter. Ryan, where are you, bud? Yeah! Yeah! We got firefighters to listen.

He's a hunk. He's a fucking hunk. Of course he is. He's hot. And if one of you chokes on a fucking lemon rind or a cherry later... I'm on it. He's got you. Fucking shout out to super producer Marissa.

Yeah! Fucking shout out to super producer Marissa. Woo! Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Lance Bangs who directed or was filming in that music video in the first place for God's sake. Oh my God. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week

to another brand-new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shaklockity! that was a hate gun podcast