All Fantasy Everything - Vending Machine Snacks (w/ Dan Soder)

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

We finally got Soder on! This is an instant classic.Guest:Dan Soder (IG @dansoder, X @dansoder)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Swisher Suites were the original months. You smoke a Swisher? To the face? I'll like puff it. No, I don't, no, you don't inhale it. No, God, no. Do you, does someone else have it? Or do you have an urgency Swisher?

No, you stop like at the liquor, no, you just stop at the liquor like High Plains. You stop at the liquor store and get a Swisher? Like High Plains, there's a one right on the corner. Alright, I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that.

I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that. Do you, does someone else have it? Or are you going to hit it? No, you stop like at the liquor, no you just stop at the liquor like high planes. You stop at the liquor store and get a swisher. Like high planes, there's a one right on the corner. All right. Oh, you're going to get a single swisher? It's on defense, it's on defense. Yeah, yeah.

You go get a Lucy? You get a Lucy? You go get a Lucy? I know a father swisher. Whatever I can grab and run out with, I don't pay for it. Do you know how blown away they are that you light that up and don't crack it? Yeah, that is crazy. I did, after I saw kids, I was like,

listen, I'm the blunt guy. And I was that for like a year. And then I'm like, I don't know how to roll blunts. I thought I did. What were you doing in that year? Trying to roll blunts. Getting laid. Man, when someone hands you,

when someone says they can roll a blunt and they hand you one that is not even serviceable, there is an energy shift in the room where you go like, why did you say you could then? Yeah. Anyway, sorry. You should have to get carded when you buy switch to sweets and if you were too old,

they won't sell it to you anymore. Yeah. There should be a top date too. I'm sorry sir, no. Sir. You should have to show proof that you don't have a driver's license. I'm 22, I'm 22, it's okay.

Hey bro, it's cool, it's cool. You wanna watch me do a kick flip? He goes, sir, go home to your family. What's your favorite Mighty Mighty Boss tone song? And if you have an answer, they won't sell it to you. Cherry Poppin' Daddy says what? Never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has. This is all fantasy everything already in progress.

The podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of popular culture. We're already off to the races, baby. Today, just so you know, we are drafting vending machine snacks. Our guest today is our friend and standup comedian, Dan Soder. Thank you, I am so excited about this.

I didn't think this topic was gonna work, and when Sean said, gave me the thumbs up, I was like, I'm fucking excited about this. Why wouldn't it work? Just because, I don't know, you know, I was just, it was a hope, you know when you're hopeful about something? Yeah, I hear you.

You're gonna be a little guarded. And I grew up around vending machines. 400 episodes in, I can't believe we haven't done it. I know, well it's like an amalgamation. Did I use it right? Of like, 10 different things kinda. Like some of these drafts have happened, but not in this way.

Like this opens it up to where you can make like a superstar list from other kind of specific drafts. You know what I mean? Oh, that's, yeah. Well, I grew up going to after school program or daycare and there was a vending machine there and that was like, ever since I was little, I was like, what snacks do they have?

I was always like walking by and you'd be like, oh, look at that. Look at D4. Did you ever have like aspirational vending machine shit? Like, one day I'm coming in and I'm putting 275. Shit, dude. Goddamn, 11 quarters in this bitch. If you're at the pool, dude,

if you're at the pool and you ran in for a snack and you had a dollar and you could get two, you're like, what is this? I'm gonna get Skittles and Reese's Pieces. You had a 50 cent vending machine? Oh yeah. Oh man. I bet that's what the prices were when I was a kid too.

Yeah, yeah. I think you're right. I think 50 cents was like the standard for anything. And then if the big shit, like the Hostess cupcakes, were like a dollar. And that was like. Yeah. Then you're getting call liquor.

That's basically when you're introduced to the idea of well and call. That's exactly it. When you go like. You go, oh my God, I don't have to drink stuff that tastes like paint thinner? I'll have, this isn't that bad. You guys, when we got them at school,

when we got the vending machine at school, that was always like, oh, that kid's got a job. Like when they'd be walking around with something out of the vending machine. Oh yeah, was always like, oh, that kid's got a job. Like when they'd be walking around with something out of the vending machine. In seventh grade. Oh yeah, they got like a Fruitopia. Oh yeah, Fruitopia. Or Allsport, you remember carbonated Gatorade?

God damn. I remember Allsport. Did you guys have a student store at your school? We had a little student store. I worked at it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, were you skimming food, like food or money? Yeah, true.

Buddy, let me just say this. If we ever smoked weed together and you walked in that store, you weren't paying for a thing. Yeah. Oh. Oh. All I know is if you were gonna get me high after seventh period, take what you want.

Welcome to my bazaar, my friend. Please. Welcome to the Silk Road. It was, we had a school store and I had to work there because I was in marketing in DECA because I needed stuff to pad my stats. That's who everybody in the student store was DECA people. What was DECA? What was DECA?

It was an Association of Marketing Students. Seriously? That's what it was? Dude, what it was was I was a shit student and it was a good way to pad your stats to try to get into college. It just was something that you would, I sucked at it, I never tried at it. I never made it to like state,

which was like where you came up with a business and you got to go to the, like, Bori, they would send you to like the Springs or sometimes they'd send you like, it would be like everyone in Colorado who was in DECA, never made it, never made it out of the first round. I think that's actually how they invented Chipotle, right? It was a DECA, never made it. Never made it out of the first round. I think that's actually how they invented Chipotle, right? It was a DECA project.

And it was not a DECA. Yeah. Definitely Qdoba came out of DECA. There was like that top 5% who were like, I'm going into marketing, I'm taking this very seriously. And then it was like a bunch of just like kind of good time dudes in it too. You fucking nailed it.

It was, you know what it was? It was a reflection of future salesmen and CEOs Yeah, the CEOs were that five percent. That's like I really think I enjoy this I'm looking at the techniques of marketing and the rest of us are like, how about we grab a drink at the Hyatt? Let's grease those wheels a little bit That's 100% what I was. They got an 18 and over juice bar. I'm going to tell you right, what if I told you my mom was at work till 6.30?

We go by my house, we do a couple of gravity bong hits. We get you on the record for two more. Man. There's no reason this can't work out, huh? Come on. I just realized I could just make a gravity bong. I'm that rich. Yeah, dude.

I can just cut this. You see this? I can just milk. Oh, you need a two liter in a sink. What are you talking about? Right. You mean out of the DVD for the movie Gravity, right? Where you're like somehow smoking.

Yeah. Yeah. This is the kind of podcast where we started talking for like 15 minutes before we even started recording. So just to get everyone up to date Isaac smoked crack What it would reveal? Yeah, let's not have this on air Easy crackhead cut it Yeah, I'm gonna take this out. Sorry put the butterfly knife away, but oh shit

I'm weaving it in yeah bubs allegedly. This is a satire podcast Listen, oh, this is that time you take it out. I'm dropping crack Easter eggs for the rest of this recording You rock man, okay? But look how much you shit you're high on hope not on But look how much you've chipped. You're high on hope not on Are your headphones connected to the computer via the wire or no what like how do you have that all set up? Shit We're we're gathered today what now I'm all out of sorts, mostly because I'm laying on my bed recording. Dude, this is a cash episode.

I feel like I'm smoking opium right now. I'm just sort of reclining every great time. You're in your silk pajamas, you're just laying around. The pattern on my shorts is a very silk pajama-ass pattern. Oh wow. Look at that thing right there. That is. If you were in a full silk suit like that,

it would be very opium. You guys deserve it. And I'm sorry I didn't step up to the plate on that level. Speaking of stepping up to the plate, I'm going to the World Series. I'm going to game one. Damn. You gotta take, what is it?

Sorry for my voice. It's, by the time this comes out, it will have been last week. But it's Friday. It's Friday night. Going with my dad. Where's game one? In LA, at Dodger Stadium, my dad,

who is a Mariners fan, like moved to Portland when he was 22 from New York, grew up in New York, been a Mariners fan my whole life, is wearing full Yankee gear to the game. He's from New York though, I feel like he gets that. He's from New York, he comes by it honestly but I there's a part of me that's like You're doing that thing where you're like, I know who you really are. Yeah You should wear full Mariners gear really

Rude I'm wearing the helmet on the base path. I'm not a Mariners fan. I'm like very loosely a Dodger fan because I never, like I don't like Seattle shit because I grew up in Portland. But part of me thinks that I'm gonna have to defend my dad from a parking lot fight after game one. You are. Yeah, I mean dude, I'm a Giants fan

because of my dad. And I would say that normally I would judge LA and go like, I'm a Giants fan because of my dad, and I would say that normally I would judge LA and go like, you're fine, it's LA, but if you look up Brian Stowe, you could see what they did to Giants fans. They beat a man half to death. So yeah, you might.

Yeah, it is, dude, that Ravens fan that was walking around the other day, just clocking people. Just punching people. I don't wanna get too. Well, that was in Baltimore, right? Yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying like. around the other day just clocked in people. Just punching people. I don't wanna get too. Well, that was at Baltimore, right? Yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying like.

Baltimore hello. It's a Baltimore kiss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's just a custom here. The police found him to give him an award.

Yeah. I know you're a tea kettle, so just, you know, make sure the lid's letting some of the smoke out. You just earned the key to the city. Thank you for knocking everyone out, dude. Yeah. The key to the lid's letting some of the smoke out. You just earned the key to the city. Thank you for knocking everyone out, dude. The key to the city's just a, it's a hoagie. Yeah, you just won the key to Baltimore. Congratulations.

I'm not worried about me in this dad situation. I'm rooting for the Dodgers. I'm worried about dad. My dad is the original tea kettle. That dude's a real, real he's real shit talker Like the likes to get in the mix so but he will have you will have other Yankees fans there Yeah, like that's a big day. It's gonna be 50 no no no I think it's gonna be 2080. I I don't think Ian. I don't think you're wrong. I think it could be as high as 60, 40,

because you guys live in Los Angeles. Every time I'm out there, the second I say to 90% of people I live in New York, they go, I'm from New York. But I live out here. Everybody. That's a self-selecting demographic, because a lot of it's industry, but everyone lived in New York.

They love to go like, oh, I miss it. It's like, well, you live out here now. So, but this is the situation. Do they still have 28th Street? Yeah. Yeah, they still have 21. Do they still have bagels? Oh, I miss it.

Oh, does the sun still rise in the East? Yeah, it's still a fucking city. Oh, do they still have, like, fucking Dwayne Reed? Dwayne Reed. Does the subway still go underground? Yeah, there's not any change to infrastructure since we left. So the tickets are going to be expensive. And a lot of those New York people are industry people who will have the money to buy

Those tickets. Yeah, so that's why I think it might be more Yankee than you might think Yeah, there I mean, there's gotta be nice that Ivan sprung for the tickets though. That's cool That'd be great I'm the attorney father. He's buying his ticket, he says. He says he's paying me back for his ticket. We'll see. All right. Dude, I'm telling you man, the talk in old New York is that everyone's like, all the Yankee fans I talked to

are like, dude, the tickets are so fucking crazy because it's LA, because it's Dodgers-Yankees. We wanted, everyone here wanted a Subway series. And they said the tickets would have been way cheaper because they would have just been New Yorkers. Would have saved me a bunch of money. Yeah, yeah. And an awkward conversation about your dad

buying his own ticket. Yeah. A man in a city with no baseball team is Sean Jordan. Sean Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougarmel Jordan on Instagram. Sean the skateboard here and there. Yeah, every now and again, I do what I can. Sean the waterfront when he feels like

doing some method acting. Sean the rhymes when I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. That's right. Sean the rhymes when he's got you all in check. Sean the rhymes when I'm getting 30 racks listens on Spotify. 30,000 listens! Yeah, dude.

For Gear Crisis. And Isaac, you will not see, if you want some of that money, you can smoke it out of my crack pipe. I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina, November 22nd, 23rd, please come out. Okay, I don't ask for a ton. Come on out, come have a good time.

I think a lot of people are gonna come. Should I go the other way? No one's gonna come to that, dude. Hold ask for a ton. Come on out. Come have a good time. I think a lot of people are gonna come. Should I go the other way? Nobody's gonna come to that, dude. Hold on, hold on. I'll be a good friend and not a podcast person. Nobody's coming to that, bro. Isaac did crack one time. What'd you say?

Isaac's gonna crack. Nobody's coming to that, dude. Nobody's coming to that show. Well, if you feel like it, then I'll be there. That's all I got. And join the Patreon. We got, it's a party over there, there. That's all I got. And join the Patreon. It's a party over there, man. There's so much stuff.

There's a live stream that we just did last week that'll be up for you. We're putting up video episodes. We got the mail bags, auction drafts, all the live episodes. Live episode with Rory Scovel just went up. Adam, Kate, and Holland. We got, oh, there's, you know, I forgot that live episode in Chicago

where all of you got mad at me for something that I did to Shane about 14 years ago If you want to know what that is go on on the page. I can't even remember what it is now Got about it. Oh, that's exciting has the live auction draft dropped yet because people keep giving me shit. They did not Yeah, I think it did. I'll make sure it does I'll make a note, but I mean I'm pretty it did. If we reference stuff that hasn't come out on the Patreon yet, dude. Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to do that.

We know what we're doing. That's our, we're getting our Christopher Nolan on, all right? Go watch Tenet. Get some culture. Try to follow this, okay? This is all of a larger piece. Don't take each episode piece by piece.

This is part of a 16,000 episode art installment that will last the rest of our lives. Never saw Tenet, but. This is part of a 16,000 episode art installment that will last the rest of our lives. Never saw Tenet, but. No, me neither. Anyway, yeah, come to Chicago, or come to Raleigh. I'll be there. And join the Patreon, your rule. And also smile, have a good day.

Have a good day. David Borey's here, coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Not on Twitter. Not on Twitter, oh. He's on Patreon. I'm on Patreon, patreon.com backslash David Bure. Get my special Birth of a Nation, it's so funny. Rave reviews, truly the talk of the town.

What town? Your town, you stupid bitch. And then November 22nd and 23rd, I'm gonna feed sports drink in New Orleans. Come to that, I'm gonna do a bunch of standup comedy. That place is so much fun. It seriously is. It fucking rules. I'm excited.

I keep seeing it online. I was supposed to do it. This is like, I rescheduled a bunch of times. So I'm glad we can kind of get it done. The Saints got a game while you're there? Have you looked at it? I don't know, dude. I'm trying to get a fan vote going.

Or are you trying to get on, are you trying to go see a gator? I'm trying to go see a gator down there. Oh, I'm trying to get a fan boat going. Oh, you trying to get on it? You trying to go see a gator? I'm trying to go see a gator down there. Oh, you trying to get down in there in the water and go see a gator? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to talk like that, too. Call the king of slide down, Louisiana.

Ha ha ha ha. David trying to go down there and see the knifehead queen down there in the bayou there. If you want to see the resin queen, I got to take you through the swamp. Or the resin. You can't get to the resin queen by traditional means. You all get on there, the fanou there. You wanna see the resin queen, I gotta take you through the swamp. Or the, you can't get to the resin queen by traditional means, you all get on there the whole fam boat there.

She be all smoking that resin and getting all high. She live in the back of an alligator mouth. She makes her own beignets in the back of a shack. Made with resin. Every time I've gotten weed in New Orleans, it's trash, so please help me. Oh yeah, dude, I fucking B-Y-O dub when I go to New Orleans.

I'm not smoking your fucking. Yeah, you got to, dude. I bought it off of Bourbon Street once. No. Ugh. No. But like, you can't do everything, you know? So it's almost good that New Orleans has bad weed, where you're like, yeah, you can't be everything. Yeah, true, that is very true.

If it had that, literally everything would grind to a halt. Because the food makes you sleepy, the alcohol makes you sleepy. I guess the jazz puts a little pep in your step. Yeah, but also it could soothe you asleep, depending on what kind of riff they hit. That's true. You gotta go, David, go watch that.

Where'd we go, Ian, to watch that jazz? We went to the, god, oh my god. It's like the spot. It's the preservation jazz hall. Preservation hall. Oh, I've been there, god, oh my god. It's like the spot. It's the- Preservation Jazz Hall. Preservation Hall. Oh, I've been there. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, dude.

It was so much fun. We sat courtside, it was so sick, dude. Or you have to go in, it's like a pretty crazy, it's just like a room where they're just like, all right, you ready? We're gonna rock the shit out of you. We got hooked up. So we got like VIP'd up to the, we were on the stage.

Was it through Andrew? Wasn't it through Andrew at Sports Drink? Yeah. Yeah, I don't wanna throw up. So dude, tell were on the stage. Was it through Andrew? Wasn't it through Andrew at Sports Drink? Yeah. Yeah, I don't wanna throw up. So, dude, tell him you wanna go. We were like off to the side of the stage. It was a little bit weird, actually. I had mesh shorts on.

I didn't know that that was gonna be the case. I sat up there like a fuckin' asshole with mesh shorts. I woulda put pants on if I didn't know and we were gonna be on the court. You know what I mean? They also told Andrew, musta, like whoever the contact, whatever, however this this happened like the jazz Musicians thought we were bigger comedians than we were

Oh, thank you so much for coming it's an honor and they took a picture with us and everything Shout out cuz that's no that just happened sharpies wedding this weekend the DJ out of nowhere was like Sam talent Forgot about the DJ I was happy Laura wasn't there that dude was he was trying to fuck Our man was prowling. The king of Monterey. The DJ was? The DJ, he had his hand in every pocket in that room, bro.

It was crazy. What, where was the wedding? Monterey, California. And he was, you could tell he's like, he's the entertainment in Monterey. Like you could feel it, you know what I mean? Yeah. And he was hot.

He was like old hot. He had had two Bluetooth in his ears for some reason shut the fuck up really double double tooth he's talking to God and the devil at the same time he's incredible he was awesome I don't know which way to go with the angel or with the demon I they're both they're both each song he flips it up. He lets them call the shots, dude. He goes, what if I told you all my thoughts were a mashup? Oh, I don't even know what I'm about to do. Is that your wife? Can I touch her?

Tuesday was God featuring the devil. Wednesday was the devil featuring God. It was a two-part album. Dude, I love him just shouting out Sam in the middle of fucking wedding. Dude, apropos of nothing. Like, nothing was going, we were just dancing.

That's so funny. That's so funny. I couldn't make the wedding. I gotta break embargo on some big news. Oh, you gonna say it? I'm gonna say it. I, my wife and I expecting a baby. Hey. Come on. embargo on some big news. Oh, you're gonna say it? I'm gonna say it. My wife and I expecting a baby.

Hey! Come on. Go, baby. We've played it close to the vest for quite a long time, as is both Jewish tradition and nervous people tradition. But yeah, in December. Nice. December.

December, real change. Dude, you didn't do a first trimester weight You waited till the baby like gonna be here. The baby is is knock on wood. It's technically viable right now So that's like you yeah, you wait. Do you know what you're having? We're having a boy. All right Very very very excited a little bit scared skills camp as far as like basketball training? Skills camp is week two. Skills camp is week two.

He's gonna be born just in time for bulking season too. So like a lot of chicken breast minced up into the bottles and stuff. If you think that's a coincidence, you know what I mean? I don't. Like, okay, good, good. No, I never did. I've already got him a little parachute

to drag around while he's crawling. Oh my God. I mean, he's going to be the power. The sheer power. Yeah, oh God. Because who's not scared of a yoked up kid? You remember kids who were buff? I'm terrifying that one.

Shout out Brian Mobley. I hope you're all right. I feel like most of those dudes aren't all right. He had a six pack when we were like six. Dude, Phil Pascoe would do back flips. I feel like most of those dudes aren't all right. He had a six pack when we were like six. We were like, what? Phil Pascoe would do back flips. He would do back flips across the whole gym.

And I'm like, bro. Sean, that's crazy. Yeah, he'd have like tight Tommy Hilfiger, like almost like a leotard top, and then he'd just do back flips across the whole gym. Oh, early, like early Under Armour look? Yeah. So this kid would wear Umbro shorts

and do standing back flips in a way that I was like, what? Dude, you can't shine that bright. You can't shine that bright that early. You cannot shine that, you can't be that hot. You're doing flips now? I mean, it wasn't good for those kids to get all that much. You can't have all that when you're 13.

Yeah. We had a couple dudes like that who were, there were a lot of Mormons in my area where I grew up. Sure. And we had a couple of those dudes like that who were Mormons. So they like never parted, but were like insane back flip shit.

John Gibson, Brian Wright were we're like two of those dudes who are just like in insane shape, but Mormon dudes. Gifted from God. Handed down by Moroni's trumpet, dude. Moroni's trumpet blowin' for them all day and all night. Fuckin' Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I think it's Moroni, right? Yeah, you nailed it. You fucking absolutely nailed it. That's so funny. But yeah, so we're having a baby.

We're very excited, but I am on, I can't leave LA duty now because it is coming right up. You did the right thing. You gonna catch it? The doctor catches it, I'm gonna cut. Okay. You are gonna cut. Before it's getting can off dude, I'm going in there. I have no experience.

Brist time baby. I'm doing the circumcision bro. You gotta bite it. I'm biting it. You gotta let the kid know immediately. But just like, you know, I think it's a bite and tear, not a bite down. No, it's a bite and tear, it's a bite and tear.

It's like, Jewish penises have sort of a, it's sort of perforated Almost like a bottle of juice Yeah, it's ready to go Zip, and it just comes right up You just gotta find the tap The trip's like opening a cereal top Yeah

You just get right under there and then fucking It's not meant to be that You don't believe in evolution, I gotta show you Jewish foreskin. Yeah, man, so we're all very excited. A few people on the Reddit have guessed as my wife informed me. I think when I talked about painting one room. Maybe that was the- No, you said, well, there was another part too.

You're like, can't go on the road for a minute, which is very leading. And I'm like, well, that's a good one. Oh, yeah, yeah. Can I tell you, Ian, Katie and I popped seeing your wife on Jeopardy. We had a DVR and it came up and we're like, wow, it was nuts.

It was a huge, we went wild. It was great. We were cheering for her. Likewise, Dana and I popped when we saw Katie on Jeopardy, similar experience, but Dana, she did. She did great. She came in third. Yeah. Doesn't matter. So she didn't wanna make a big deal, but Dana, she did. She did great. She came in third. Yeah. Doesn't matter.

So she didn't wanna make a big deal, but like not an embarrassing third. No, she actually had a good showing and one of the guys she was going against had, he anticipated the buzz very well. He was just on it. He was crazy. He was just like, bap, bap, bap, bap. He also got every daily double

and once that happens, you're like, you're out. He also had a beautiful suede jacket on. I saw him in person. I was at the taping, and it was like a beautiful suede jacket. I bet you did see him in person when you showed up at his house, like, hey, you the one that beat my wife in Japanese? Yeah.

Can I talk to you outside? Can I talk to you outside? Come on out, away from your kids. He's married to this woman, I think Colleen Hoover, who wrote Lessons in Chemistry, so like, he's also married to a prominent novelist. But she was in the lobby telling everybody she wrote a big book. Oh, Bonnie Garmus, Bonnie Garmus, not Colleen Hoover.

Colleen Hoover's even bigger. Anyway. She write a dictionary? Those are pretty big, right? Yeah, they're big. It's not all gonna be that funny. That's all right, dude, that was fun. I had a good time with it.

I appreciate it. Dan Soner is here. Hello. It's so good to finally have you on the podcast. It's insane that it's taken this long. Yeah, I really, it's been nuts. And I shout out to Sean for really just locking down a date. Just thinking this thing work.

It works. Sean is the straw that stirs this drink Sean is the strongster of this drink. He's the engine of this podcast. I was like a nurse shark. He bit in and did not let go. I was like, look at this guy go. It was great. I'll keep hitting you up, bud.

I'm like, sorry for saying bud so much. I hope you don't take that as me being a prick. It's what everyone, in 2024, it's what everyone needs. It needs everyone slippery. Everyone's slippery. So it was great. I'm very excited to do this. I'm happy it worked. What do you got coming up?

What can we point people to? I will be, this is coming out next week, if you're in Toronto, I will be at the Queen Elizabeth Theater November 9th, added a late show, and then Tampa Bay side splitters, November 14th through the 16th, added a late show, and then Tampa Bay side splitters, November 14th through the 16th,

Pittsburgh Improv, the 21st through the 23rd, and then Milwaukee, I am there the 7th, please buy tickets, danzholder.com. If you're- You might have to line up a wide receiver for Tampa Bay given what happened this last week, and you might have to throw it on. Well, I'm going to, after I work side splitters,

I'm gonna drive out and go to the Dolphins Raiders game. So maybe I'll be taking some snaps of QB if Tua gets hurt again. My God, dude. Take a couple pulls. Put the Guardian cap on, bro. He won't do it. He won't do it.

Will not do it. It's tough, man. I'm so nervous, because, you know, I grew up with Mike McDaniel, so I'm invested in the Dolphins. And I just am like, come on, dude, you're making my friend's job real tough. Like, that's how it feels. He is! He is!

You're like, come on, man, let my fucking friend win, dude. He worked so hard. He's the... It's this beautiful wheel built around this spoke that just can't stay. Yeah, that's exactly it. It just can't stay. But everything around it, it's like. Brother, listen, I've been pitching Carson Wentz

for fucking 10 months to that guy. Get him in there, get him in there. Go get a retread, go get a feel-good story that can whip. Look at fucking Flacco. Flacco last year, Flacco this year. Flacco this year. If you're, I mean, yeah, man, I don't know. I think, I'm just nervous.

I'm just really nervous for my buddy. That's all it is. Go pull Ryan Fitzpatrick off of that Thursday Night Football set, dude. Throw him back in there. Why not bring Tannehill back to South Beach? I would love that. Let's get Marino out of there.

Where's Jay Fiedler at right now? Where's Damon Heward? Brian Cox. No, that's an actor. No, Brian Cox is a linebacker. Yeah, Brian Cox, Brian, no, that's an actor. Brian Cox is a linebacker. Yeah, Brian Cox, okay, see? He had the cool, he had the flag. Pete Stoyakovich?

Was Pete Stoyakovich a dolphin? Pete Stoyakovich was a showgirl for the Kings. Yeah, Paja Stoyakovich. Paja Stoyakovich. Are you thinking of that punter Stoyakovich? Yeah. What does Stoyakovich work? Oh yeah.

Holy shit, there was a punter. I like that you know your special team, Sean. Let's get Martin Gramatica out there. Come on, yeah, holy shit. There was a plot. I like that. You know your special team Sean I get my team chromatic out there. Come on There was three of them one of them there was a third yeah, there was one of them that blew his knee Celebrating do you remember that? Yes? No kick to field goal and he was like, yeah, and they jumped down He's like, yeah It was like no way way. No fucking way.

Back when they could still show highlight compilations of people getting hurt, there was him and the dude who head butted a wall and hurt himself too. Yeah, then had to sit down. He was like, boom! And then he's like, okay, you know what? That was fucked up. He shattered a vertebra.

He was like. He had to cut the Bucks game the other night because some dude, I think, smoked his knee out. Yeah, yeah. Was one of the receivers. Yeah, Godwin, excuse me. Yeah, it's, I don't know, but I, Tua is like a tough thing, because you're like, dude, if this goes bad, this goes very bad.

The way it can go, I know, I know. Where you're like, you're kind of watching a Dolphins game through like, you know, like, ugh, like some squinting. Some guys get hit, and they like roll around, and then they get up up and they're like, you find out like a week later that he had a massive concussion.

Tua gets hit and he flashes gang signs. He's like, oh yeah. He's like on the ground and you're like, oh, I didn't know he was a Rolling 66. Yeah. I'm like, don't touch him. Don't touch him. I don't know if you've ever seen this,

but Tua doesn't use the letter B. It's like, yeah. He gets so hard he's talking to Tupac in The Great Beyond. He's like, yo, we got the Cuffalo kills coming up this weekend, you know what I mean? It's like jarring. It's like when that Damar Hamlin hit happened, I was like, no, he's fucking his fingers, he's fucked. And then they were like, it's fucking, it's like jarring. It's like when that Damar Hamlin hit happened, I was like, no, he's fucking his fingers, he's fucked.

And then they were like, it's bad. And you're like, don't let him do this anymore. Damar Hamlin passing on this like curse. Yeah, yeah, the fuck that fucking follows. Two is gonna stiff arm somebody who's gonna die on the field. You're like, dude, he killed him, he stiffed him. This guy just fucking dropped.

He stiffed him as a ghost out of him. Yeah. Go see Soder on the road, go watch Soder's fucking drunk. He's tipped on this ghost out of him. Yeah. Go see Soda on the road. Go watch Soda's fucking stand up on YouTube. You're hilarious. You're so funny, dude. It is fantastic. I don't think we need to tell anybody that. I think you guys are all hilarious, so that means a lot.

My name is Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on all those platforms. Don't say any more news. You already said the... I'm having a baby. like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,'ll give you an exact date soon but follow me on there I'm gonna start posting stand-up and whatnot and that's it yo that's it I mean Portland the best audiences oh my god it's it's kind of cheer really are it's on kind of cheating shooting a special there but we're gonna keep doing it anyway do it fucking do it dude we're gathered today not to talk about that, but rather to talk about vending machines next.

Now, the way we determine the order of this fantasy draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins an unnatural victory of paper against two scissors. David is the winner, it is incumbent upon you

to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. It's like one of them little ribbon candies you get at Christmas, done. It's nice.

Dude. Lock it up, there it is, boom. You're in your Hemingway era, dude. You're like, short. economy of words. Do're in your Hemingway era, dude. You're like short, quick, do the points. Yeah, I was short. I was your old man in the sea. Guess what, he's just sticking you in the guts, dude. Get ready for it.

Basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now David, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? All right, I gotta go first. David first. Damn it. Sean, Dan, Ian, I think that's what we Damn it. Sean, Dan, Ian. I think that's what we gotta do.

Sean, Dan, Ian, hot corner. Are you, y'all got any dry goods in there? You don't wanna talk about it yet? Well, how are we, do we, you have four goods? You might go into this. What, wait, what'd you say? Wait, does the soda machine count too? I think so.

Oh, great question. Okay, yeah, let's establish some parameters. And also, let's, now in the age of 2024, we're gonna look old, electronics, are those allowed to go in? I don't think so. Yeah. Are we keeping this all perishable?

Let's go food, let's go. Food stuffs. Edibles and coiffables? Are we putting drinks in there too? What's a coiffable? Do we want to? I love a coiffable. I would be happy, I love a coiffable, I'd be happy to leave drinks out just to heat the competition up.

I kind of like that. I think you kind of tightened the boa. Okay. I didn't prep for drinks. I can do it, but I did not prep for drinks. No, it's fine. We can leave drinks out. I think we do dry goods. Okay. How are you all feeling going into this? Do we have any clear number one talent in mind? I have a very clear number one pick.

Listen, I've been scouting for fucking 37 years. Yes. If I tell you right now that I don't have a hot list of five guys that I know I'm building a program off of, I'd be lying right to you. You're like the Ravens' front office basically. You got reams. Yeah, I've got...

Listen, man, I've got reams and reams of notes. Yeah. I got a clear first rounder, and I also have just a reserve list of probably 15, so... I got a clear first rounder and I also have just a reserve list of probably 15. So I got a top talent that I don't know if it's going to be universal, but I need it. But you know what, Ian, I feel like I have like four, four stars and then everything else is just going to be what's left on the board. Build around those guys. Some of this stuff I only will get

at a vending machine these days. So that's kind of where I was like. A lot of it. I like that. Yeah. I like that. It's gonna be interesting to investigate as we're about to.

Yeah. The membrane between gas station and vending machine. Yeah. Yeah. I think vending machine is a little different because I kind of go nuts at a gas station. Yeah. A vending machine's a little more straight up. vending machine. You need to know the route you're going. Yes. Yes. Yes Yes, it's it's a vending machine is driving without GPS a gas station is GPS. Yeah

I got an excellent this thing. I know the back I know the back roads Yeah, if you're driving without a GPS, you know how to know how to get there You need to know where you're going and a vending machine. You're on the clock. Yeah, if you're driving without a GPS, you know how to get there, you need to know where you're going. And a vending machine, you're on the clock. Yeah, I'm not in there. I rarely walk up to a vending machine and don't know exactly what's going on immediately. I would say, much like a NFL quarterback,

I can go through my reads in about five seconds. On a vending machine, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, because there are different styles. There's different defenses, if you will, right? I will also walk up to a vending machine. Oh, they're running a machine, all right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I need an extra nickel for this one. Well, I think I'm the edge rusher too now. Yeah, so I'll throw down defense. How far can we take the vending machine? Oh, they're stacking the box. I'm fucking ripping the top shelf. I'm telling you right now, five step drop, I'm going right down defense. How far can we take them out of the box? Oh, they're stuck in the box. I'm fucking ripping the top shelf.

I'm telling you right now, five step drop, I'm going right to that top shelf. I think I have nobody in the middle. David, we're gonna figure out what kind of offense you're running right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Mack Weldon. I'm not gonna lie to you, I woke up today

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Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash all fantasy. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. Isaac Smokecr smoke crack draft already Face you're laughing. I'm laughing. I'm laughing. All right. Okay. All right crack it Do you actually do you actually want to take it out because I will do it Okay I mean it happened It is it's what it's you didn't just should just to be clear, you didn't know it was crack.

I did not know it was crack. That's worse than having people know that you did crack. Is it? Okay, he knew it was crack. That's the crazy thing. He can't shoot unless he's really tight on crack. We gotta have a couple to get the eight ball in. David Borey, it is time for your first pick. He can't shoot unless he's really tight on crack. We gotta have a couple to get the eight ball in.

David Borey, it is time for your first pick. First pick. I wanna go utility, right? I wanna blend the line between snack and candy. I think that those are the two major groups, and I think if you can get something in both, you're coming out as strong as possible. I'm going with what a lot of times at work was my meal.

I'm going with the Snickers. Good pick. Oh. What's up, Brian? Pick a hearty candy. Hearty candy. Hearty candy is. It's a meal.

It really is. It's the Marines. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you're setting yourself up for life. They love it when they get compared to candies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they would take the compliment in the spirit it was intended.

Any of you Marines out there? It's like, it's solid. You can, because there's certain candies, you look inside a vending machine and you're like, I don't know if I trust that from this, but the Snickers, it's not gonna let you down. And it's like, there's certain candies that is just not enough food.

Yeah, that's very true. Like where you're like, I got this and it's just candy. You know what I'm saying? Snickers will keep you going. That's true. I've seen the ad campaign. It's fucking 10.30 at the call center, you pop a Snickers, you're good till lunch.

By the way, a Snickers doesn't feel like chocolate before noon. No, not at all, not at all. In the way that a Snickers doesn't feel like chocolate before noon. No, not at all. Not at all. In the way that a protein bar doesn't feel like chocolate before noon. It's basically a Clif bar. Yeah. There might be a Snickers protein bar. Hold on. There is. There is. There is, right? It's called a Snickers.

Called a Snickers. It's called all that fucking the nuts and caramel nougat. Yeah. Oh yeah, they got Snickers high proteins. See, they're not doing that with other candy bars. No, no, no. Do we just try to put out a protein? No, calm down Twix.

Come on. This is with Snickers low sugar. Interesting. They're going full, they're like kinda doing that full, where diversifying. I feel like Snickers is like, I feel like Snickers is like having a beer at lunch, where everyone goes, that's completely appropriate.

It's like a little, you know, if you have two Snickers, it's probably like a little bit of a problem, but like. Right. Okay. Or if you do a shot, it's a problem. But a shot to me is like, a shot to me is like having a Twix at 10 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, what's going on here? I can't justify this. I can't justify this. She's not coming back! She's not! That's why there's two of them! I got a fucking headwhip and everything makes me think of her! David's eating a Twix at 10 a.m.

Why am I eating a Twix? Because I don't give a fuck anymore. Left side, right side, I don't give a fuck anymore. Left side, right side, I don't give a fuck in either. I crunch them both at the same time like a psychopath. You're on your fifth Twix, you got one in each year. What am I doing? I'm all Twixed out.

You're lighting the Twix on the table and just like... I'm crushing them up, putting them in my coffee. But yeah, Snickers, first round pick, I think he can do anything, you know what I mean? It's just a pure athlete. I had a Snickers at the wedding, Snickers with, do they all have almonds? At the wedding?

At my hotel. I don't think so. I think it was traditionally a peanut base. Yeah, Snickers with almonds I got. I got a king size Snickers with almonds. Really. I got a king-size Snickers with almonds. Really? Mm-hmm. I mean, let's also say this can't exist in a vending machine, so we don't have to worry about it.

Snickers ice cream bar is the elite ice cream. It's crazy. It's the first one. Yeah, it's number one. That was the first time I ever heard of it. It's crazy. Twix does a good job, but it's- Twix does do a good job.

But Snickers ice cream bar is the best. Twix is a little brother, but it's... Twix does do a good job. But Snickers Ice Cream Bar is the best. Twix is a little brother, we all know that. You know what's got a real low floor, high ceiling as far as the Frozen Delights go? Is a Klondike Bar. Yes, god damn it, are you right? Yeah. Katie and I went through a whole Klondike Bar phase

during the pandemic, where we were trying the ones, they started making them like donuts, like where there was like a middle missing, but then it was a wild ride. That's interesting. If there's structural integrity of the ice cream, but not too much, you're in for a really good time. But if not, it's falling apart on you,

it's like going all the pieces, and then you have to like eat it out of a bowl anyway. And once it's in that context, it can't hang in with other ice creams. It's not a fun treat anymore. No, our love affair was hot and fast with that. We went through about two boxes of Klondike's, and then we were like, let's just get away from there. Yeah, move on.

There's better options now, it's 2024. Yeah, but you know what? A Klondike bar coming out of the bullpen, unexpectedly, as like a reliever, all day. You go over to somebody's house, they're like, hey, you want a Klondike bar? Yes. It's always the same thing.

When was the last time I had a Klondike bar? Yeah, absolutely. I couldn't tell you. 1991, I think it was 91, I think I was watching. I think I just left Point Break in theaters. The towers were still up, I think, so. For God's sake. I think Clint was getting impeached.

I think I was watching. Was your moniker Lewinsky be interviewed? Snickers is the great pick. Excellent first round talent. Sean Jordan, time for your great pick. Thanks, but I only get these at Vending Machines. It's usually when there's no sort of food at the commissary in the hotel.

These are the closest to me feeling like I'm getting food instead of a treat, but it's still a treat. I'm going Pop Tarts. Okay. Oh, yeah. I like the move for you. I hate it. Yeah.

I hate Pop Tarts out of a vending machine. Can I ask you a question? Nine inches. How do you establish the flavor in the vending machine? Cause don't the vending machine, oh nevermind, it's on the. It's always strawberry. Yeah, it's, I mean I'd say nine out of ten strawberry. You know what, I'm misremembering what they're like

when you buy like a 12 pack versus what you buy in the vending machine. The vending machine is like, hey this is strawberry, I forgot about that. Yep, they're like individual, we're in the blue wrapper, so you get two, and most of the time it's strawberry. But for me, that's always how I start, because I feel like I'm not eating garbage for some reason.

Maybe because when I grew up, they told you it was breakfast for 20, 30 years or whatever. It's fruit. Yeah. It feels, the closest I'm getting at a vending machine. It is the fruit section of the vending machine. What are you doing? Well, I'm getting at a vending machine. It is the fruit section of the vending machine. What are you doing?

I'm going to get my strawberries in there. I got some antioxidants bubbling through me. You go in raw, right? You do a Pop-Tart Carpaccio. That's your style? You don't heat them up, right? When they get out of the vending machine? I will no longer eat uncooked fucking Pop Tarts without thinking about Carpaccio,

calling it Pop Tart Carpaccio is so fucking funny. It's this part of Pop Tart Carpaccio. You can't eat them up most of the time. Some of these hotels don't have mics. I'd have never put them in a microwave, honestly. Doesn't Regan have that bit where it's like you microwave for two seconds? It's not.

On paper, great idea, never does what you want it to do. Regan, right, he did that whole joke where he's like, it says on the package to heat them for two seconds or something on the microwave. Oh yeah, the Regan joke? A little bit, yeah, yeah, but no, I never do that. I just go in cold. I'll take the crust off a lot, and then what I'll do

after I get the rest of this stuff, I'll usually go back and eat the crust and be like, eat the crust. It's the one thing that might be decent for you, even though it's probably not that's probably no Absolutely not that is it's a hardening of science is what you're eating break off the Yeah, like the the surrounding the little lip. Yeah, or with the crust. It's truly an abomination I'm just gonna say it. It's neither pastry nor fruit. It exists in the gray areas

How do they handle the fall? I don't know. The pop tarts, you know, cause they're on a high shelf. They're usually all right. And also they're usually at the bottom. They're usually at the bottom. The bigger stuff is usually down low.

I will say a lot of what I look for in vending machines is just pure surface area, and this is king for that. Yeah, that's true. I never thought about this, that the lighter, the stuff that can take impact better is usually at the top, your chips and stuff. I never really put that together. And then the bulkier stuff, Pop Tarts for example,

they're at the bottom. Hey man, after this is all over, we should go in on a bunch of vending machines, guys. Dude, I was looking up last night, like best thing, you could just put whatever you want in your vending machine. I'm gonna need you to pump the brakes, because my, this is kind of a long story, so I'll shorten it, my nemesis, my godfather,

who dated my mom and lived with us, and was just a tyrant. He's a vending machine guy? He started a vending machine business when he lived with us, and I had to go stock vending machines. Oh no. And like nail salons and Aurora shit. It fucking sucks.

That just gave me diarrhea. The only part that rips is that your basement has candy in it and you can take it until... That's a big W I feel like though. It is until your mom's boyfriend realizes that you're on the take. You've been skimming off the top. We're lying on Fig Newtons.

And we're gonna take a boat in the middle of Cherry Creek Reservoir. He's gonna kill me with a bat, like, on fire, too. I know. He just grabs you by the neck. I know about the candy. But you're in a real public place. I know what I've been snacking.

You're burying the rappers in the backyard. Oh, fuck man, I fucking did it. I had Skittles. I had fucking Skittles. I'm fucked up. I smoked resin with the resin queen. I wanted fucking Skittles. You're a frosted man, huh? That's right. Frosted? Oh yeah. First is unfrosted.

Is that a... I'm frosted. I'm investigating everything. I got a set. Dude, unfrosted fucking pop tarts would be like just drinking tonic. Yeah. I know that it's taking something away, but it's like sex with a condom. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And you're just like, oh., but it's like sex with a condom. Yeah. Yeah. And you're just like, oh. That is what I feel like people, that was where they're like, oh, this is really health. That's like, this is actually healthy with no frosting. That was the move for big Pop Tart where they're like,

all right, now we gotta do something. People are starting to figure this out. That was the equivalent of, you know how girls know how to like stand with their leg to like change their shape and pictures. Yeah I've tried to do it. I can't I can't I don't know. Yeah The one move I know is if you you can like if you're facing the camera you can First pick well you guys I think, have had two excellent picks.

And you've both gone sweet, which has surprised me. I'm going more savory route, and I'm going with the Swiss Army knife of the vending machine. Talk about Gardettos. Yeah! Damn it, yeah. I thought I could get it. Gardettos is.

That's another meal. That's a real meal. It's a meal. It's a meal. It's a real meal. It's got bread. Yeah. You get bread. It's got bread chips. It's meat. That's another meal, that's a real meal. It's a meal. It's a meal. It's got bread. I'm telling you right now. You get bread.

It's got bread chips. And then that rice chips. That's meat. That's meat. Yeah, the cow chip or whatever that is, I never knew what that was. But that, god damn it, they started to, by the way, Gardetto's got a little greedy.

I was in a gas station, so it was a free for all. And I saw that they were like, how about just this chip, the cow chip, and you're like, no. I don life? No, I don't need a bag of that. I want that every Four to five mini pretzels tubes of bread, you know, I mean the cardenals Your little sub sandwiches, that's all frosting no cake. That's crazy. Yeah, just the cow chip and I love I love The ride ship I'm Hugh. Yeah, right great. It's maybe my favorite thing in the bag, but it's like, you can't, that's not a solo artist. Yes, exactly.

You can't put out your own album, man. Come on. It's just too much of the, the good, it's the good thing when it's compared to other things. And really, honestly, what holds down the bag of Gardettos is the pretzels. Because the pretzels are there just giving you a solid seven innings, you know,

and they're not gonna give up much. And then you kinda need some offense from the other little rolls and accoutrements that they put in the bag. It's a Coen Brothers movie in a bag because you got some great character actors in there. You know? It's so funny.

But I don't wanna see it in a sitcom. Don't show me fucking that ride ship in a sitcom. But like in that context where they're all playing off each other and everything, it's great. Just a bunch of just weird faces. It's what is this, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross? This is unbelievable. It's like, man it.

It's like William H. Macy. Yeah. It's so funny. John Totoro's in there, Francis McGovern. Yeah. And honestly, you get a John Goodman, which is the pretzel. Good at everything. Yes, yes.

Good at everything. And you need that. You need that in there. Yeah, I think if I walk up to a vending machine and there is a soda machine next to it, and you're telling me I'm walking away with a can of Pepsi and a bag of Gardettos, I'm pretty fucking happy.

Yep. You're set. I can wait for my car to be finished getting looked at. Yeah. Exactly. That actually sounds kind of, you know what I like to do is I like to put the Gardetto mix in my mouth

and then hit it with a swig of Pepsi. Just feel like it. Oh, wow. Get it down. You know, let those sort of interact with each other. High fructose corn syrup syrup dance with the science salt. Yeah, just those two foods that were in different corners of the factory in New Jersey that never got to interact

and you're like, they were always making eyes at each other. You're eating future food and you don't even know it. The future is fucking now. Do you hand full your Gardettos or one by one them? You know what, honestly, I think I'll start with a handful then one by one to draw it out. I'll take a swig every now and again. I'll even tip the bag back and take a drink.

The end is the fucking tap a tap tap. And then let the avalanche into the mouth. But yeah, number number one Gardettos You know what they call the only rye crisp bag because I just looked it up here what special request Request Gardetto's showing some titty. Yeah. What do you want? That's Gardetto's with a happy ending. If they called it after dark, it would feel the same.

After dark. That's gonna jerk you off. Holy shit, I've never had a bag of snacks lean in and tell me it's not wearing underwear. It's like, I don't know what panties are. You're like, Jesus, Gardeno, we're at church. Mrs. Gardeno. Mrs. Gardeno, you nasty bitch.

What are you doing? Jake's in the next room. My friend's hot, my friend's hot Gardeno. Oh man. Your husband coaches my baseball team. Oh Your husband coaches my baseball team That's got nothing to do with Request that's fucking wild. That's so awesome. Yeah, I

Kind of want I might just have a bag I might keep a bag in my in my. Just keep it on hand. In my nightstand, just condoms. Special request. I might take my wedding ring off and go to the gas station later, you know. Yeah. Just lean in. Do you have any special requests? I just set the ring on the counter.

Hey, you got any special requests? You have to throw it, because you see someone you know. Yeah! What in the world? Pastor Johnson, holy, no, these are regular Gardettos. I'm sorry. He actually can't order it on Postmates.

They won't deliver. Oh, oh, hey Tiffany. Oh, sorry. I didn't see you guys go to the store. Those are just regular Gardettos. Wait a minute, special, oh, that's fucked up. Oh, oh, I was grabbing those. Oh, I didn't know I was grabbing those. Oh, I would never have been married.

Everything's fine now. You might as well have one, right? The daughter's good. Wouldn't it be crazy if we just ate these? We ate a bag once in high school, who's gonna say we shouldn't be able to do it again? I can't believe that's what those are called. That's so funny.

That's the best name, bro. That shit's amazing. Come around to me. I got my first and second picks on the hot corner here. I'm getting my first round talent. This might just be me. I've had some strange food takes on this podcast before. But number one pick for me, they're delicious,

they have a great mouth feel, and most importantly, there's two of them in there. I'm taking the grandma's cookies. Yeah. Oh, got it. You know what, dude? I was curious. Yeah, that's awesome.

That's the Kobe to Gardetta shack. Yeah, I think so too. Because you're getting, dude, those grandma cookies, you get the right one, you get a double chocolate chunk, a double chocolate chunk, or a... Classic peanut butter. Anything but oatmeal raisin, really. A peanut butter.

Yeah. And you know what? In a pinch? And maybe this is where I'm weird? I'll take those two. I'll take those two. You know why? You're smart because with a lot of times with cookies, you're going...

When you walk into a cookie, you're going for the chocolate chips or you're going for the raisins. But with a grandma's cookie, it's the actual cookie. So it's like, the chocolate chip isn't as important, the raisin isn't as important. Right, yeah. I think that's why the peanut butters do numbers. Because that's what you want.

That might be my favorite peanut butter cookie. Just the moisture and I know. They're so soft. It's that bag, It's that science bag. Yes. It's like they're in a vacuum. They just don't get, nothing gets in there. I've never had a stale grandma's cookie.

And I've had what should have been a stale grandma cookie. Like it should have been stale, but like no. Every time it's soft, it's delicious, it just delivers. Take note for the apocalypse. If you're raiding a gas station and you it just delivers. Take note for the apocalypse. If you're raiding a gas station and you see some stuff, go right for the grandma's cookies because you're gonna get fresh.

That's what you're gonna get. Yeah. I love them. I might now, I got two picks in a row here. And I wonder if I should just go like power on power or if I should diversify a little bit. All right, I'm going. I should diversify a little bit.

All right, I'm going. Okay, this is controversial, I think. But as far as pure flavor impact, because the one drawback, and now I'm criticizing my own pick before I make it, is there's not as much in here as you want. Oh man, I'm afraid you're gonna take one of my picks right now. I know what you're, I bet I know what you're doing. Pure flavor impact, I'm going smart food,

white cheddar popcorn. Oh! Oh! From the black bag. Whoa! Honestly, I thought you were taking a corner back and you took a left guard. And I think that's like.

I didn't see it coming. What a good pick. We're running the ball. Great pick, smart food. Fuck, that's a great pick. Smart food, here's what you're getting. You're getting a great tasting snack and through the marketing,

you genuinely don't feel bad about it. Not at all, no, you're like, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and make the responsible decision today. I gotta drive. Yeah, that is exactly it. That goes, no man, I don't need a drink. I just wanted to hang out with you guys. Yeah.

And aesthetics alone, the black bag, sweet. Oh, Cadillac, sweet. With the way the popcorn is on the bag, coming out of that green, out of the, out of the, like, looking like corn with the popcorn on top, makes you feel like you're just eating it right off the farm. Great, pardon me, do you have any grape poop on? You get the white cheddar fingers after,

so you get the, yeah. It's the grape poop on of vending machine snacks. Out of all of the snacks in the vending machine, it went to university. It went to college. It'll let you know. Like he went to Stanford, but he can still ball. Yes.

Comes home, still the same guy you always knew. Smart food. I'm gonna need two of these bags. Let me just be very clear about that right now. One of those is not gonna do the job. It's so much air The only reason that's the only reason I would put Gardettos ahead of it is Gardettos are socking you in the stomach heavy. Yeah, but I get that white cheddar flavor in there I love that

Snapping Paired with the right soda like a sprite like a cool sprite Yeah, or even a ginger ale if you want to move more healthy I'm trying to cut I'm just gonna have a smart food in a ginger ale You know what? Jendale's more of an elixir than a soda. I think if we're being honest, right? It's 4 a.m. I'm gonna go to bed. Yeah, this is like, I'll be ready to cut down a tree tomorrow if I eat these two things.

I'm gonna call it early. Yeah, I'm gonna call it early. I'm not drinking tonight. I'm just having a smart food and a fucking good grill. I watched a documentary on my laptop and did push-ups man. I'm fucking golden. The road doesn't have to be unhealthy. Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty much Jason Bourne now. Yeah, that's a great... those are two incredibly strong back-to-back picks.

And wasn't even on my list, Ian. I mean, the smart food blindsided me, didn't realize those on the board. I thought you were going a different direction, which I am going to hold off right now on drafting, because I feel like once you didn't say it, I'm like, I think I'll have a little more time to pick this up later in the draft. We'll see. You got four picks between you and your next one. But you. Yeah. That's why I feel comfortable picking this one.

And honestly, it was inspired by Bori taking Snickers right out because it's like immediately a good pick. And it's like... Wait. Hold on. Oh, sorry. I lost the order. I'm sorry. Oh, no. It's damn... Yeah, yeah. Okay, keep going. I lost it. So my pick, second round,

and this is going to surprise you guys, but I can defend it. And it might be a draft pick that people are like, he could have left on the board for a while. I just feel good about it. Going with a hundred grand candy bar. Wow. They're so chewy, I love how chewy they are. Chewy, two of them.

And again, if you're not seeing how kind of my offense is paired, it's a heavy offense. So we're going, we're in between the tackles. We're just making you feel it. And a hundred grand, you get a hundred grand in the Gardettos, you better have a place to lay down. Yes. Yeah.

You know, work your man's lunch. You better put your pail down. Open your building. The Empire State Building. That's what they were eating up top on the beams. Chewy goes a long way. Chewy goes a long way. And it's honestly what I like about a hundred grand is

sometimes the bites stay past their welcome. And I kind of enjoy that. Yeah. They do linger. You mean to like dinner time? They do linger. You're like chewing and you're like, I'm kind of done chewing this.

You're like listen, Coppo's went home and you're still here. Hit the lights when you can, you wanna, the code is 4107 if you wanna lock up the door. They are, but when you're still chewing and you're like, oh my god, am I Nelson Rockefeller here? What is this, still in my mouth? But it almost feels like a Willy Wonka treat

where you're like, is this the never-ending bite? This is great, this is what I want in a candy. I swear there's like Rice Krispies in there too, right? Yeah, it is a rice candy. So healthy, bulking season. Bulking season. Bulking season. Low in cholesterol and sodium, I'm seeing here on it's Wikipedia.

Yeah. I'm sure they put that in bold, listen. You're all good. Hey, if you're here wondering about 100 grand, clearly you're rich. Listen to your old boy, Uncle Wikipedia. But also when I see that, it's got a very recognizable sleeve,

that red with the 100 grand on it. You know what used to be called the $100,000 bar? They just like, and then they shortened it to 100 grand. When in like the 20s? 100, let me. Come get yourself a $100,000 bar. Now that the boys are back from the war. Yeah.

Hey. Oh, this is good that you're saying this because I actually got into a conversation last night about 100 grams My friend was trying to say they came out like mid 90s early 90s 64 always earlier than you think I got it on the radar right now 64 Because it feels like an older thing like like it feels by the way Sean's not wrong with the feeling it feels like a 20s Candy bar. Yeah

Henry or something the name is a 20s candy bar. Yeah, like an O. Henry or something. The name is very 20s. It's like what you give to a kid during the depression to give them hope for later in life. Where you go like, hey, you go, kid, there's 100 grand. Split it with your sister, you each get 50 grand. By the way, your father got killed by the Germans. Anyways. Sorry you lost your grams to meningitis.

Yeah, oh, what? You had to sleep in a shack outside because you went from Oklahoma to California? Oh well, here's candy. I lost my teeth biting a rock, painted it look like an apple. Yeah, it's just like that's what they got for a Christmas gift. You feel like, that and orange.

You feel like a Dickens character where you're like, everything's gonna be all right eating this 100 grand. Yeah, a $100,000 bar has a very rags to riches feel to it, which makes you feel like a classy guy. It's great. It is, it's smart marketing. Yeah, it's also delicious, the chew, the texture.

If you can get two things out of a vending machine good, so you can get taste and a fun texture too, you're already winning. You're playing with house money. Excellent pick, Sean Jordan. This is usually my second, this is kind of my one too, that I got, I was gonna take Gardetto's dammit, but I'm gonna go with that little bag of Jack Link's jerky. Or Oberto.

With the G's or just the little little jerky? The Lucy's? Can I tell you? Yeah, the Lucys. But you just said something. Jack's links is good. It's great beef jerky. But what's the other, Ober, oh boy, Oberto.

But those are like the only two that comes in bags in the thing, or like the Oberto, I think, and Jack links. But the Oberto's, that's what I mean. For some reason, the packaging of Oberto's gets me more excited for like turkey jerky or whatever, where you're like, oh, I want that. I think it's the Italian flag.

Yeah. Yeah, it's the Italian flag. We trust the Italians with meat. Yeah. Where'd Jack Link's come from? I feel like they have entered the jerky game in a big way in our lifetime. They burst on the scene.

It was like a big goddamn Red Bull coming out. Yeah. They're all over college campuses. Handing out jerky. They were giving the Red Bull to the hot girls, and then they're from dudes like us, and they're like, you look like a jerky man. You want a sheet?

Hey, she wants some salted beef. You want to go do a sheet? You look like you would've been leading a wagon back at the turn of the century. You want some dried beef? Here's a page of jerky for you, son. You weren't short in the century. You want some dried beef? There you go, I have to move. You went in the snow, you want to eat meat for lunch, right?

Yeah. You have working knowledge of ski resorts. You're meat in a bag. Bag of meat doesn't roll off the tongue as much as Jack Link's. Yeah. They really did come out of nowhere. Cause if you had an 86 by a guy named Jack Link,

there you go. Really? Yeah. I love that. Jack Link? I'll get them at the gas station, but I'll get the thick, the thick flat sticks of them. I'll get those at the gas station.

Those couldn't feel more fake. I love them so much. They don't, you don't really get those in vending machines. I mean, it borderlines on dog chew toy. It is, I love them so much. You don't really get those in vending machines. I mean it borderlines on dog chew toy. It is, I love it dude. On a road trip, holy cow. In April 1st, 2014, oh wait no, Jack Link's bought Unilever's meat snack division.

Nevermind, I thought they got bought by them. Hold on, Unilever's meat snack division? That's the movie Seinfeld shoulda made. That takeover. He goes, what if it's like snack division? That's the movie Seinfeld should have made. Yeah. That takeover. He goes, what if it's like secession, but with beef jerky? It's the spicy beef jerky. You say Unilever's meat stick division? What'd you say?

God damn right I did. Jack Link's bought Unilever's meat stick division in an attempt to expand its consumer base in Europe. USMD? That's consumer base in Europe USMD That's right the you the fame You would be you MSD dude. Yeah I was in the UMSD for about six years Don't they own like dove isn't that

Of course dude if you're not you're not a multinational corporation What's you got a meat stick division by the way that sounds like such a place where a final fight in an action movie happens Just like in a factory where they're making meat sticks. Yeah, then you gotta fight guile Fight him in the meat stick division There's just like a guy guy in the pot in the background Make an hour go by Fighting in this international tournament When it was like it's still a functioning factory, I. I know a demon from Brazil is fighting a guy with

some claw hands. Yeah, but I, god damn it. I gotta make these bumpers. There's like tourists in the Blanca's stage. There's like tourists watching. They're like, look at this, this is what Brazil's like. Is that General Bison? What's he doing? Dude, Jack Link's also bought the Golden Island brand

from Tyson Foods. They're everywhere. And their Wikipedia is pretty cagey. I'll say that. I gotta find a picture of Jack Link. Yeah, you know. Show me Jack Link. He's from Meinong, Wisconsin.

I know he's from Meinong, Wisconsin. Everybody have eyes on Meinong? You know, they don't expect you to take over everything but when you have this accent People will let you kind of boss you around a little bit, you know in the product stands behind, you know You know, it's driving me. Oh, you gotta talk to Jack Or Jack and his son Troy. Yeah, I link, you know Jack link Can I read you guys an excerpt from their website real fast?

Absolutely. In 1916, Earl had a son named Wolf Link, who lived in the meat business from day one. Dog. Wolf Link? It was Wolf Link! I'm gonna tell you right now, Jack Link looks like a bad guy in an action movie.

Yes, he does. He looks like he's like, nah, you didn't think I was gonna let you come in here and sign with a nosy cop mess up my business, did you? Oh, that's, oh man. Cause the smile doesn't go to the eyes. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, it never makes its way up there.

Yeah. That's a ground floor smile for sure. Also, he's got pronounced canine teeth, which is bad guy. Yeah, where he goes. Yeah, it's got pronounced canine teeth, which is bad guy. Yeah, it is. They got those big, vital hole teeth. You understand, the prey couldn't put the predator into the bag.

You're not listening to me. It's already done. The mayor has called the police. You're done. You're not a detective anymore. This man is sexually harassing women on the sidelines at University of Wisconsin football games, for sure. I think and men, anybody could get it.

Built that out of me. Jack Link, when I bought that Jumbotron with the beef jerky that I sell to people, can I tell you a secret? The beef jerky is people. I got people is people. I got people. I grind them up. I used to work in the meat stick division. I have all the files.

I have all the evidence. I was in the meat stick division at Unilever. And then they got bought out. It's such a fucking action movie fucking company name. I was in the meat seat division in Mutilavr. Something's going on man. The map doesn't add up. They're not. There's no cows going into that factory man. Troy Link, the heir to the Jack Link fortunes, got himself a big house in southern Florida.

I love it dude. I gotta look up Troy Link. This is sick. Big house. What an absolute bad guy. He's selling it for 15 and a half milli. A lot of people's pensions got used to make that mansion for Troy, I bet. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. You know what I like about Jack Link is it's a wet care. Oh, there's Jack and Troy right there. There he is, dude. Father and son. That's like Mayo and mayonnaise right there taking a family photo at JCPenney's. Ever since I was a little boy,

I would go down to the barn and watch Papa dry out the meat. Instead, it's like him. He's got insane ideas. He's like, what if one half is meat steak and then the other half is deodorant? So it just takes care of both your needs at once. God damn it, Junior.

I'll ask for your opinion if I want it. Like a broom with a dustpan on the other side? Same thing. Everyone thinks the kid, but I also think always, like, the grandkids can suck, so they'll be like... My grandfather was Jack Link. He was the jerky CEO of Wisconsin. You know, the worst kid at fucking Columbia right now

is, like, the Jack Link fortune playing, like, indie rock. You know, worst kid at fucking Columbia right now is like the Jack Link fortune playing like indie rock, you know He's like I'm a link we own Middlesex Community College But dad called it a favor and it looks like I'm gonna be able to get Sasquatch down to my frat University of Vermont. Oh, yeah, some school like that. Oh, dude, the link. Take a look at the vending machine. My name's on it, friend.

University of Wisconsin, Whitewater. Yeah, dude, you should definitely go to the Jack Link Memorial Hospital at the University of Wisconsin. The Jack Link. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like you in it. Yeah, the Cardio, exactly. The Cardiovascular Fuck It Society and the Jack Link Cardiovascular Society. The Jack Link Cardiovascular Society.

That's fucking wild. That's hilarious when you find out. We're getting heart disease from both sides. Yeah, I really thought it was just a name, and now it's a person. It never crossed my mind that that was a dude. Jack Link. Jack Link.

Do you know who my father is? He bought a big yacht too. Son of Wolf Link. That's crazy Do you know who my father is? He bought a big yacht too. Son of Wolf Link. That's crazy. My daddy was Wolf. Wolf Link would not have approved of the over commercialization. No, no, no, no.

Wolf Link wouldn't approve of a lot of stuff in this day and age. He didn't want women to eat him. You're telling me you got ladies. He didn't want women to eat him. I think Wolf Link thought men should marry women. That's so funny. First off, you're letting them eat the delicious beef jer's so funny. First off, you're letting them eat

the delicious beef jerky they make. Number two, you're letting them wear pants in the factory. What's going on? Of course they want to vote. They're eating jerky. I don't care if there's a war on. Skirts don't eat meat. Now they got the taste for it and it's all they want.

Son, I think you misspoke. You said she was on her way to work now. What did you mean? Lucy's it's a wet jerky. It's a delicious jerky. It's a great pick David time for your second third picks Second I'm this is from from knee-high to the grasshopper man. This is a blue chip talent It's like you know how coke is better in a can yes. Yeah, this is a blue chip talent. It's like, you know how Coke is better in a can? Yes. This is better in a vending machine. I'm taking the classic original Cheetos.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. Come on. He's a crunchy, not the puffy ones, right? No, the crunchers. Crunch is not even the flaming hot. You're talking about the old school,

fucking give it to me the way it's always been. Chester Cheater himself, regular Cheetos. Yeah. Because it's always been too long. Yeah. Since you've had it. It's always been too long. Now here is the downside of it.

They can go stale. Yes. I've had stale Cheetos, so it is, you are running a risk. But here's the thing. You just get them's the thing, I think that it's rare in a vending machine, because those are getting cycled through. People are getting Cheetos. Yeah.

It is a top shelf, it's a top shelf chip. They go stale. More than I've had stale Cheetos, I've gone to a vending machine that was reliable and found there to be no Cheetos. Oh, you're sold out. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck, they're out of Cheetos. An empty, an empty hole. You get that Banders in town email

that Cheetos are in the vending machine. You fucking get the Cheetos. You move quick, it's Sean Jordan and Raleigh. Yeah. Which is coming right up, you know what I mean? Exactly. You got to jump on those tickets. You go to the hotel you're not even staying at

just to get the Cheetos out of that vending machine. You're like, I live here. I feel like you've done that, Sean. I tried to do that in Denver. I tried to get into a hotel lobby to get to the vending machine, and they would not let me in. It was downtown. I think I was with you.

I was like, let me give it a shot, and you're like, it ain't happening. They wouldn't do it. We don't, so we're not here for the bathroom. We just want your vending machine. Yeah, seriously, I just want to go spend money here. You can't let me do that. I just need a snack.

That's for guests, sir. It's a great chip. Oh only vending machines. I don't ever do it I'm never in the grocery store and get a big bag of cheetos never ever. A full bag of cheetos is crazy It's too much. It's perverted. It's perverted. It's only Super Bowl necessary. Yeah, and even that it's gonna be a third pick on the board at the Super Bowl Yeah, and what I'm gonna get a chip clip for Cheetos now there is pantry Cheetos is it's it's a it's a walking party Cuz cuz you know the thing about Cheetos is you gotta you gotta do it to completion. Yes Yeah, I graze you don't graze on Cheetos now you get the bag you eat the bag you throw it away

And I can't be left in they are dangerously cheesy They're their own worse than me the way that they're so addictive You know like they really are because you're gonna see in the ads you're gonna keep you're gonna keep housing them until they're gone paired with any cola is a fucking banger a coke and a Cheetos a Pepsi and a Cheetos I'll give you a fucking RC Cola in a Cheetos. And it works. A powdered flavor like that, it calls for a palate cleanser. And like soda's perfect for it. And yeah, soda's just perfect for Cheetos because it's just that fucking cheesy chip crunch,

good crunch, and then immediately wash it down with some soda. Good crunch, get them back on the molars. Throw them back on the molars. You can show how you evolved. I'm saving some for later. You get that flat sheet of Cheeto packed into your molar there.

Oh mama, mama mia. I'm right there, take me there. I'm mad after I hit the diving board. Oh, and you're also showing your power by the crunch, you know? Yeah. And surrounding people know. This is a part of your lizard brain.

That thing, that's like, that's bone. That's bone. Crunch and small bone. Cold disclosure in wearing this hoodie, I am sponsored by Cheeto. Don't let that affect this pic. No, no, no. Dude, Big Cheeto got to you.

I knew they were going to. Big Cheeto. Big Cheeto's a different guy. Yeah, we can't actually talk about Big Cheeto. We got a season to you. I knew they were going to get big cheetos, a different guy. Yeah, we can actually talk about the yeah, we got a season to say she did get to me and told me never to talk about it. You're showing you bring me up again and I'm going to fucking give you I'm going to give you a I'm going to rip your tongue through your through my tears. I said, okay, big

cheeto. I apologize. I'm going to go case full apples and beat the shit out of you. If I find out you're talking about me again, that Columbia necktie is coming true. He's just holding my car door open. I'm gonna roll a sock full of rocks and go to town. Big G rolled up to Sean wearing a silk kimono on a funky duck, dude.

What's the shit I hear you talking about, man? Oh, BC, I didn't know you got out. Uh, excellent pick and your third pick. I want to go back sweet, but I, okay. Nope, I'm going to do it. I'm going to stay a chip. Barbecue Lay's. Good one.

Barbecue Lay's. Good one. Here's the thing about Barbecue Lay's is Good one. Barbecue Lay's. Good one. Here's the thing about Barbecue Lay's is that they are just, they are who they say they are. You're getting just a fucking barbecue chip and it's consistent. When I'm at Subway, when I get Lenwich in the city, I fucking give me a KC Masterpiece barbecue lay.

Talk about a chip that's gonna make it on the sandwich. Oh, that's going right on the sandwich. That's probably the best chip for a sandwich. I almost think of this thing more as a sandwich condiment than a snack in and of itself. But that's me, it's on me. Yeah. I like it alone though.

It's like the chip stands alone, man. There's a certain permission structure granted by the vending machine that says, yes, get the barbecue lays that I won't allow myself. Like, I'm not, if they're in the box, the variety pack, I'll get to them eventually, but it's not one of my first or second or third choices. But there's something about that in a vending machine

where you're like, well, I'm here at the vending machine. I'm not gonna get something healthy. Let me get these. You know, I think a common theme we're seeing with all these snacks is comparatively, that's a big factor in the vending machine. How is it comparing to the others? You see a KC Masterpiece and you're kinda like,

oh shit, I didn't know you were here. Oh, what do you want? You wanna pick that up. David's out, dude. David's out. Fuck man, I said something wrong. Big trigger. Stella's coming in.

The bane of his existence right there. That's so funny because I've been slowly slapping away Myrtle, because she's just been coming up to me and I've been like, dude, get outta here. Get outta here. Not right now, not right now. And she's going like, no, you're talking. You're getting excited, Something's going on.

Yeah, I'm involved. Podcast energy makes dogs go nuts. How's Stella doing, David? Barking, I think she knows that there's somebody new coming. She's fine. She got a new collar, she's acting up. She knows that you got the hairless cat. I think she can feel it in the air.

Boy. That's gotta be a weird feeling in the air too. Hairless cat coming? Can you imagine if your world, everything had hair on it and you didn't know that there were things that had no hair and then someone just like, you lived with a couple other people and someone brought a completely hairless human

over to your house. Someone with alopecia and you're like, what happened? You're just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Charlie Villanueva's coming over. That was just, there you go. Please, man, alopecia and you're like, man. You're just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Charlie Villanueva's coming. I was just, there you go. He's, man, Alopecia, sign him up, because everybody knows him for that. I mean, also being a baller, but.

But Alopecia first. Alopecia first, Milwaukee Bucks second. Yeah, Yukon third. Yukon third. Just get behind it. Oh man, yeah. We were, Casey Masterpiece is a fucking great barbecue legs. Well you know what's just crazy?

I've never had Casey Masterpiece barbecue sauce in my life. Oh it's so good. Yeah, never seen it. I don't know what it tastes like. I've had it. Just the sauce? Don't even know. Tastes like the chip.

It does taste like the chip. It's like a less crunchy version of a chip. Yeah, like a wet chip. So wet you can't even taste the chip. It does taste, it's like a less crunchy version of a chip. Yeah, like a wet chip. So wet you can't even taste the chip. Yeah, it's in there but you can't taste it. It's so wet, it's like barbecues almost. Sean, time for your third pick. I'm going back, I'm going back into the healthy realm.

Trying to dip my toes back in the fruit. Back into it. Back into it, yeah. I started with Pop Tarts. So I'm going back into the healthy fruit realm. Wanna feel good about myself? I'm gonna take Skittles. I like a nice pack of Skittles.

Out of the vending machine. Good, you know what? Skittles is just. Wanna feel good about myself. I'm going back to the healthy realm. Orange. Skittles. Strawberry, lime, you know?

You're talking about the classic, the red bag. The classic red bag, yeah. Okay. Now does your opinion change if it is a purple or blue bag? No, but I don't see blue a lot my opinion will change if it's green I can handle a sour skittle, but I'm not gonna do that. I don't want a whole bag of sour Green ones the ones that are kind of wearing fur coats Yeah, yeah, yeah, They're the spicy ones. Original Skittles, a bag anywhere.

It's an old friend that you recognize quick and you go like, what's up buddy? Let me get you out of there. I love a bag of Skittles. Now do you do handful or one by one? One by one, psychotic I feel like. You go in with a chopstick, right? I take a little chopstick as I'm taking a break

from writing my manifesto and I'm like, I'm gonna get one red. You cut them, you cut them, and you're like, fork and knife. You go between that and building a boat in a bottle, in a giant bottle. Yeah, I ration myself. You're reading the Wall Street Journal, you're eating Skittles with a fork and knife

How big would you eat a big skittle? Yeah, I don't think I would feel comfortable with it I don't want to know that much of the inside. Yeah, they should make skittles the size of the fruit that they are I don't want that much of the middle skittle to be around. Have you guys had freeze-dried skittles? No it's it's almost like the Skittle was exploded from the inside and then it's like dry and crunchy. They're so fucking good. And they're just pure sugar.

It sounds solid. But it's very good. Yeah, I feel like Skittles are, didn't they do something where they showed them like rot or something and they just don't, like they're that bad for you? They're just always. No man, but I don't care.

Cause you put six of them in a cheek full of skittle. Like a time lapse video. Is pretty great. A cheek full of skittle, yeah, you got them over there? Yeah, just all. Like a chaw? Yeah, exactly. Like a big fucking thing of chaw.

Spitting out the sugar water. Like a rainbow. Yeah, cause over here spitting rainbows. They have found honey that is still edible in Egyptian tombs, like with the pharaohs. So sugar just doesn't rot a lot of the time. So that's all skittles are, right? Yeah, just sugar.

They sure are. Sacred honey. Just, bury me with it. Put it in my cup. If I had you guys over for dinner, I'm cooking, you know, like you're sitting around the table, I'm in the kitchen, we're cooking, everything's great, delicious pasta, maybe a nice protein, you know,

and you're sitting there, I'm like, you guys got room for dessert? And then I bring you a hockey puck shaped Skittle. No. It's that big. You're not tucking in? Absolutely not. I got a fork.

Fork and a knife? No way. Yeah, dude. The middle of Skittles is uncomfortable. Have you ever just bit one and looked into it? What if I carved a chicken-sized Skittle with a fork in the eye and gave me a slice? That's even worse.

This is almost the candy equivalent of getting caught smoking and your parents make you smoke the whole carton. That's exactly it. This is too much Skittle. You're gonna make me hate Skittles. I need it little and I need a little small, tiny but big bursts of flavor.

I'd be interested in a filet-o-skittle. It's not a skittle anymore if it's that big. It's a scattle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's different. It's like a whole other dream. I want you to, after dinner, like you come into the room and throw a bunch on the couch and go, don't come up until you're numb.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't come up until you can't feel your big toe on your left foot. Yeah. Yes, a giant skittle would be.

I'm just down there eating them. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Daunted. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, skittles, brother. That's a great pick. Dan, time for your third pick.

My third pick is I'm going back into the savory. It is a bag where when you get it, you always feel like that's it, but when you're having it, you're like, this is unbelievable. And that of course means I'm talking about a bag of Funyuns. Damn it. Oh, dude, yes. I thought I could get it late.

I thought I could get it late. Funyuns, that's what I thought too. That's why I went 100 grand last night. But funyuns are flavor-wise the biggest impact you're gonna get. Also, there is the downside of you're gonna smell like funyuns, but funyuns. But you're eating at a vending machine anyway.

So if you're in that situation, what are you going to the Met Gala after? Night time. Yeah, you just want a taste, you want it now. You might catch me in the hot tub later if you can smell my breath over all Night time. Yeah. Yeah, you just want taste. You want it now. You might catch me in the hot tub later if you can smell my breath over all that heat. That's good for you, I guess. I'm having a tough day.

Let me get these Funyuns. Yeah. Yeah. And it's only, that's another one I'm only eating out of the machine. 100%. That's what I'm saying. I understand the structure of capitalism won't allow this, but they should only be available in vending machines.

Yeah. That would feel right. That would feel right. Oh man, you ever been to somebody's house and they have a whole bag of Funyuns? Well yeah, you're weird. Fucking psycho. Yeah, that person.

Weird. That person, I wouldn't trust. Get out of that house right away. Don't sleep around that person. Yeah. Here's the situations where you can have Funyuns in your house. You rent, you got an Airbnb for two days,

you have a bunch of friends coming over, somebody got a bag of Funyuns, isn't that funny? And then yes, we're gonna eat them as well. You know, it really is. Right, oh, ha ha ha, I got Funyuns. Oh look, I'm like, oh, we're getting married, no, it's a chip. Also, Funyuns really, they are like go-karts,

where if you have it at your house, you're like, this is too much, when are you using this this much? But then you like go to a place with go-karts and you go like yeah, this is perfect. This is a perfect It stays at the beach town. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's what Funyuns are. It's Astoria, Oregon Yes, you go. I just want to go Seaside Newport, dude, shout out to all of them. Lincoln City, Nipo Bay.

Manzanita. Oh yeah. Come on, bro, Florence? The Dunes? All right. Are we talking dunes? What are we talking about here? Yeah, Funyun is a great pick.

Also, yeah, you're right. You put on your finger, that's fun. We're having a good time. You're not gonna do that? You can crunch it into like three different pieces Now the problem with funches, I mean with funches with Is Much like frosted flakes

You have to worry about a smash factor if they did not travel. Well, you are fucked You are just like I've gotten many of boxes of Frosted Flakes where I was like, what did they kick this down the street? That's how Funyuns go. Ace Ventura in the beginning. Then you gotta ask yourself a question and it can be a long night of the soul, which is, am I just gonna huff down

this bag of Funyun dust? And yes, but now you gotta live with yourself. Then it's just fun dust. That's how you gotta think about it. Oh, you snored it this way. Yeah, you snored it. That's what I hear. Oh my God.

Anyways, guys. Oh, yeah, no, I knew Dr. Pepper before he went to school. Yeah. Like a whole bag to the dome. Sorry, boys. Piece of shit. Oh, Glenn? Glenn Pepper?

Yeah, I don't call him Dr. Pepper. Shit. Guy owes me fucking five large. He said he was going to pay me back at an Adam's wedding. You know, it's art history. It's an art history, Doctor. It's not even fucking science, Doctor. It's an art.

He can't operate on you. He can't. He can't. Let's go and operate a boring conversation. He's a physical therapist. Fun is his great pick. Time for me to go back to back. Three and four. With my third pick.

This is a high stakes draft. It is. We're getting there, yeah. It's a high stakes draft. I am going now. I need something a little more substantial. Those cookies are substantial. They're good. The popcorn is not so substantial.

I need something that's gonna stick in your gut a little bit. So I'm gonna go with a sleeve of honey roasted peanuts. Great. Oh! Great, and something you don't even think about. Also economic. Economic.

Also economic. It's something you don't even think about. Also economic. Also economic. It's something you don't even think about till you see it, then you go, well fucking duh. Yeah. In kind of a thing where the longer maybe it's been sitting in that vending machine, I don't mind. Yeah. Oh yeah. You know, I'm not gonna say the better, but sometimes when it's just like really caked

in that honey mustard sugar slurry. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. They don't go bad. Peanut's been around since the dinosaurs. You know what I'm talking about. That's original food for man. Yeah. Peanuts.

Shout out to Jimmy Carter, still hanging on as the time is recording. God bless you and all your work with him. He got his vote in. He got his vote in. He got it in. You look like a screaming demon. Is Billy still around?

Yeah dude, if you're a metal band and your next album cover isn't Jimmy Carter right now, you're fucked it up. Come on, come on. The famous peanut farmer, Honey Roasted Peanuts is, is my pick, they're just so good. They are so good. They're that savory little bit of sweet.

It's sweet, because it's honey roasted, but it still feels like a savory delight. Yeah. God, that's a great pick. It's about as close as you're getting to ribs in a vending machine. It's a meal. It's a sit down.

Damn, you know what also? It's also a good reflective food. Like, you're at a vending machine, you get a bag of peanuts, you go sit on a park bench, and you dump a couple in your hand, and then you do the fuckin' rolling the dice a little bit. You roll the dice and you're going like,

I had a tough week, and you're just popping peanuts. Yeah, that is a good dance. You can also tell yourself, like, I'm not fucked up, I don't eat peanuts, man. I'll eat peanuts in any situation. I'm not desperate, I'm not at the end of my rope. You are, but you can tell yourself the lie. Yeah.

You're saying that to a parked car? I'm all right, man. I'm all right. I'm doing well. I'm gonna get this back. My mojo's coming back. I always darken this before the dawn. Honey roasted peanuts.

And we're gonna get to my fourth pick right after. We take a short break. And we're back. Welcome back to fantasy everything already in progress he was in college when it happened What Isaac smoking crack? Oh? Just to be clear Happened last weekend We're not, we thought you were out, baby. I thought we finished this. No, no, no, but just,

we created full context for it. And honestly, it does make a lot of sense. Yeah. You know, cause you don't want people thinking now, you're gonna get a lot of DMs, are you okay? How long have you been up? What are you selling to get the rock? But now that we know it's in college.

Where can I get crack? Yeah. Yeah. Why did you think crack was weed? You know, that whole road that we went down. You were in college, so I just don't want people thinking like Isaac's out here by day. No, no, no, no, no.

Producing podcasts by night, smoking crack. No, no. We know what Red Leather's doing by day. You get him on the ones and twos, he's unbelievable. But he is smoking that rock. If you think you can edit this podcast without a little bit of help, you know what I mean, from the CIA and Columbia's joint operations,

you got another thing comin', brother. Let's get some old rock listener over here. Yeah. Yeah. Time for my fourth pick. Isaac, feel free to edit any crack references out of the podcast. Yeah, yeah, have a good time.

At this point, at this point. if you wanna take like 17 hours, it's easier to keep it in. It's easier to keep it in than trying to edit all of it out. I'm taking specifically the slim gym. Ooh. I didn't think, you know what? I don't know why I didn't think it was gonna move off the board, but now that it has, I'm kind of mad I didn't think, you know what, I don't know why I didn't think it was gonna move off the board, but now that it has, I'm kind of mad I didn't think

about taking it, because it is the... That's good grease. That's good grease. Yeah, that's good grease. And on the off chance, if you get the cheddar and the beef, sometimes that'll be in a vending machine. I will do that all day long. Sean Jordan is the pope of the...

I love that cheese, I love that cheese. I love that cheese. I wish it was on food at restaurants. I love that cheese. I think it's great. I don't think legally they can do that. I don't think so either, but it's good. I, when we lived with Zach Toscani,

Zach Toscani the comedian is a very big Slim Jim aficionado. He does love a gym. And he would have the Slim Jim minis in the house. Oh, he would. He'd get boxes. Remember those Slim Jim minis? When you got the ankle gun on you,

you know you're fucking strapped. Oh, the snub nose, dude. The Saturday Night Special. Yeah, that's the Roscoe. You got that Roscoe on there. You know I got that Roscoe on there. He's got a little tiny Slim Jim. Yeah.

I keep the minis in my sock. You talking to me? You talking to me? Don't step to me thinking I don't have a Slim Jim on me. You just crack it open, put a bunch of weed in there, I'm gonna roll you a Slim Jim blunt. There was something very perverted. Oh, a Slim Jim blunt.

Oh, dude. The heartburn. You're just inhaling it. I think smoking a Slim Jim might be, oh dude. The heartburn. Oh, the smell. You're just inhaling it? I think smoking a Slim Jim might be worse for you than crack. Yeah. Probably. And that smell would be insane.

That'd be like a crazy, crazy mall shit coupled up with like cinnamon, air freshener. That way you're like, it's not doing anything. Yeah. But the Slim Jim, eating it in a home felt kind of perverted. Yeah. But when a Slim Jim, and now to a home felt kind of perverted. Yeah. But when a Slim Jim, and now to be fair to my own pick here, it's not like, it's not every vending machine

that can have this because it is a long, it is a longer shape, but often not longer than a bag of chips, really. Yeah. Corner to corner. Corner to corner. Yeah, you're right. But here's why a Slim Jim is a good pick.

Because of its length and its awkward positioning in the machine, you have a high chance for a two in one. Yeah. Because the next one might roll up and that movement of those swirls can move it and make it fall so you're getting two Slim Jims price of one. You're doubling up.

Now where that can fuck you is if you want a Slim Jim and you see that empty circle because someone got a two for one before you. Yeah. Right. Right, and now an adult has to come in and remedy that situation. Or it's a no-fly zone until they fucking pop that thing open

and put a Slim Jim in that slot. Did you ever see him pop it open and think like, I could just, I could just run you just oh, yeah Fuck this dude up. I'll have coins and candy It's the cops gun situation Good I could pop that thing off and then fucking have I'd be in a whole lot more I'd be in a much better position. I think my life is changing the blink of an eye Everyone here remember me forever

There's some weird like there's something Something like something about a slim Jim that I just love and it's so perverted that if you're eating it out of a Vending machine you're like, okay. Well, I was back into this situation. Yeah, I'm at a vending machine, you're like, okay, well, I was back into this situation. I'm at a vending machine, you know? Right. They almost feel like papery in a weird way. It's a texture that doesn't exist in nature. No, nowhere in nature.

But I wanted a little meat. I needed some meat on my list, and I think Slim Jim's about as close as I'm getting. That's good, that's good. Dan Soder, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick is, now, I've gotten, you know, with the Gardettos, I got savory. With the 100 Grand, I got sweet, chewy,

stay there a little bit with Funyuns going pure taste. I love to balance a chocolate thing with like a sweet or sour thing. Now Skittles are off the board. Usually I would go Skittles. However, this is, I'm gonna, I'm making a kind of a Sophie's Choice right here. And I'm going with Starburst, original Starburst. Because you see a Starburst in there,

that's another good one that you might get two for one. And when you get a two for one Starburst, it's, I mean, come on, there's nothing better. Because then you're- That only increases your odds of getting strawberry. Everybody's up when you get two Starbursts. All the Huggies eatin' when you get two Starbursts. Everybody eats.

Everybody eats. Everyone, you take your pick. You want a yellow, you want a pink, what do you want? But I like it. Here's another perhaps controversial take, is I like a stale Starburst too. I like one that's been, I like something that was made and it was originally intended to be eaten

while watching Star Wars in theaters. I'll take that Starburst. Because it's a chew, because you're there for the chew. Yeah, and you have to get it started. It's like you have to really prime that engine first. Exactly, like, ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Just trying to mush through it. Also, the great thing about Starburst is

you don't have to have it all right now. Skittles, if you open it, the bag's open, you kinda have a Starburst, you go like, hey, let me rip, let me show a little bit of cleavage and grab three racks, get it done. And then I can. Put it in my pocket. Exactly.

It's a very, it's the perfect snack for Jankos. You can just drop it in your big pocket. And forget that you have it. I'll make little burgers, like two pinks and a red. Make a little burger out of it. Get a nasty twist of an orange and a yellow. That is cute. And then you're doing your, like we were talking about,

you're just doing your whole island of Dr. Moreau with your snacks. Where you go, a strawberry pink, done. My mouth literally started watering when you started talking about doing that twist. Like a Pavlov's dog situation. But I feel like people take Starburst for granted in vending machines.

And they go like, ah, Starburst. But you go, no, if you really settle down with it, it's great. Yeah, well, it's an eco thing, you know? It's the double wrapping. That's what I think what gets to most people is they don't want to create all that excess waste. And the patience.

Yeah, it's not laziness at all. Not at all. It's, yeah. I have thought that more than I'm proud to admit where I'm just like, I don't want to unwrap all this. I paid for it, it should be, like I've thought that a few times. Like, fuck all this work.

How do you guys feel about, this is not a v all this work. How do you guys feel about, this is not a vending machine candy, how do you guys feel about Jolly Ranchers? I like them. I go back and forth. I'm done with them. Now that they make chewy ones, the hard ones are never gonna get played again.

You know what they did for a while that went crazy? They had a Jolly Rancher soda for a minute. Really? I remember that. It was nuts. Really? Yeah. It was nuts. Really? Yeah. It was nuts. What is he doing?

It was, it was, what a time to be alive. You remember that candy store? We just saw Warhead soda at this candy store in Monterey. Oh my God, Jolly Rancher soda. Oh yeah, me and Sean just went to the candy store. We just went to a candy store three days ago. We went to a few, we went to three of them. A fudge store, a candy store.

That's a beach community, right? Yeah, I got a shitload of saltwater taffy in the crib. Dude, I'm gonna tell you right now, Jolly Rancher soda does not look thirst quenching whatsoever. No. No, it dehydrates you, it takes. Yeah. Yeah.

It takes from you. It takes from you. It will do the fucking take from you. That's so fucking funny. God, don't fuck with that soda. It's just gonna snatch your fucking thirst and make it worse. Yeah, it'll be good.

Oh, Starburst is a great pick. Sean Jordan. I'm here for a second. Damn, this is getting hard. I'm fucking. What do I, I have Pop Tarts, Jack Links, and Skittles, right? So I don't have any chips yet. I'm gonna go Sun Chips, specifically the Garden Harvest.

I like those. Talk about a red bag. You know what, that's another meal in a bag. Yeah. I'm just a healthy boy, man. Fruit and vegetables, as long as the day is, you know? Yeah. You have collected a cabinet of lies for yourself.

You have like all this stuff you can tell yourself is healthy. If somebody didn't know what any of this stuff was and you showed them my list and what it is, they'd be like, oh, this guy is getting fruits and vegetables out of there. Oh, Sun Chips, yeah. The Garden Harvest one, I know a lot of people like cheddar. I think that's like the popular opinion,

but the Garden Harvest is so good. There's so much going on. Oh man, I can't. I love it. I love a garden salsa sun chip. A garden salsa, yeah, yeah. There we go, garden salsa. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Yeah. Now sun chips, they did come out in like the early 90s, right? Yeah, I think so. And they were like, we're healthy. That was their whole angle, is that we're healthy, cause we're like, cool green? Cause they got waves on them. Yeah. Yeah.

They do, they feel like they do. Yeah, because they got waves on them. Yeah. Yeah. They do, they feel like they do. Our cat need health wave technology. Yeah. This developed in the former, the meat stick lab of Unison. Yeah. Back when you could convince stuff was healthy

because they were like, well they're selling it and it is worse than the stuff I like. Yeah. So it must be healthy. They shot the commercial on a farm. They're in a wheat field. So it's got, I mean, it and it is worse than the stuff I like, so it must be healthy. They shot the commercial on a farm. They're in a wheat field, so it's got, I mean, it's better, they're not at a football game like Ruffles, you know?

Let me tell you this, 1991 was the year it was launched. Yeah, that sounds right. I remember it. Came out with the decade. Sunships came in with a splash. Everyone was like, oh shit. I feel like they dropped around the same time as Pops did. Pops were, I don't know, but I fucking,

shout out to Pops. Gotta have my Pops. And Katie's gotta hear this the rest of her life, but shout out for Corn Pops winning me the fifth grade science fair on which cereal stayed crunchy the longest. It was the biggest win of my life. How'd you, what was your, get into that a little bit.

You did a little experiment on them? Get into the science. I did some hard science, Sean. I took five different cereals and saw which one remained crunchiest the longest, and it was corn pops. By my luxury mile. I don't remember who was second. I just remember corn pops was the dominant winner, and it's the sugar coating.

Okay. Oh, that makes sense. You can't even get to it. Yeah. You don't realize that thing's got a flak jacket on. Yeah. It's the sugar coating. Okay. Oh, that makes sense. You can't even get to it. Yeah, you don't realize that thing's got a flack jacket on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a panic room. Yeah, it's like a theater. It's like my sense of humor.

It's hard to penetrate my sweet center. Yeah. Do they stop making pops? They don't make them anymore, right? Pops are still, sometimes they'll throw it back to be like, you know, like when the 72 Dolphins show up and they're like pops you in pain, I'll do it back to be like, you know, like when the 72 Dolphins show up and they're like, pop champagne, I'll do that with corn pops,

where I'll just show up and have a box of pops. A cereal night is a sacred thing as you get older. We're like, I'm fucking doing it, dude, I'm getting a box. Oh yeah, that just happened to me with shredded mini wheats, frosted mini wheats. Frosted mini wheats are great. I just did Apple Jacks, in fact,

had a bowl right before I jumped on. You got jacked up before the party? I got so jacked up. I didn't know we were juicing. They are so good. Apple jacks are so good. I think that was my first pick in the recent cereal draft. Yeah.

Apple jacks? I think so. Might have been. I blacked out. Anyway. Yep. Sun chips. Great pick. Delicious chip. David, time for your fourth, and then your final pick,

which is the Lightning Round. My fourth pick, I want something light. I can't believe this is still there. I'm taking Welch's Fruit Snacks. Great. Yeah. And honestly, the healthy version of the Skittle or the Star Butters is the Welch's Fruit Snacks.

Juicy. Great. Feels like, unlike Jolly Rancher soda, it does not take a Gives. It gives and it comes in packaging similar to the grandma's cookies, where there's freshness in those fucking fruits now. They do stuff into it.

They're so supple, those things. They're great. Exactly supple. You see old boys that are shaped like fruit? Yeah. What? Yeah, they're shaped like fruit. Are these the guys that are shaped like fruit? Yeah. What? Are these the guys that are shaped like the fruit

that they are? The little baby blue outline, the white, and then it says Welch is kind of in darker blue. Dress for the job you want, not the one you have. I'll take all of that you got. I'll take all the fruit shaped like other foods. By the way, this is, you can eat it one by one. You can dump it in your hand.

You can do the bag dump. You can play this thing any way you want, man. Yep. Truly. Yeah, these are one by one. Yep, I can do one bag dump. You can play this thing any way you want, man. Yep. Truly. Yeah, these are one by one. Yep, I can do one by one of these. It's better that way. Sometimes you put them in your soda. Who knows?

That's nuts. Put them in your Pepsi? I want to put some gummy worms at the bottom of a Clearly Canadian when I was a kid. Told myself it was like a middle school tequila. You know Clearly Canadian's back? It is. Buddy, I hate to be a hipster on this, but during the pandemic, It was like a middle school tequila. You know Clearly Canadians back? It is.

Buddy, I hate to be a hipster on this, but during the pandemic, Katie and I were ordering racks of Clearly Canadian. You were going across the border? You had people running? Yeah, dude. Look who we're closer. Listen, you guys got good tamales,

we got good Clearly Canadian. I got a guy in Buffalo that can make a run over Niagara and bring it right around into the city. Docks in Newark, 2AF. I got like the Lafonza heist. I'm fucking taking over and playing at LaGuardia. Tommy! I'm slapping the shower when Katie tells me

the Clearly Canadian got there. Black cherry! This was supposed to go to Cuba. When are they supposed to have this in this country. What do you mean it got rerouted? The Welch is first, the Great Pick, and David, your final pick. Lightning round, Famous Amos. Oh, good one. Famous Amos, you're getting a lot. You're just getting a lot.

A lot of real estate. Yeah. Sean, your final pick. Kit Kat. I don't have any chocolate yet. Kit Kat's great. Kit Kat is the one that, again, you could probably get two for one.

Another flat two for one could fall. Four picks. Well, four. My pick, this is so unconventional. This is like taking a kicker in the second round. But you'll understand when I say it. 25 cent gum on the bottom level. Yeah, dude.

We need to talk about that a little more. A little palate cleanser. Three slices of, three pieces of juicy fruit or double mint or cinnamon gum. It's right fucking there. You don't have to commit to a full pack of gum. It's 25 cents. So you're saving the money Right. Okay. I love it. It was on my list. I think that's an amazing pick My final pick cracker sandwich great

Like the little rich guy, but I'm gonna pay me into a corner. I'm about to do something crazy cheese cracker peanut butter inside. Love it Oh, yeah I'm crazy. Cheese cracker, peanut butter inside. Love it. Oh yeah. Love it. Love it. Any brand. Square guys. Oh, so good. Ritz does a great one though. But cracker sandwich.

Yeah, Ritz is my favorite. Yeah. Great. That's the, Ritz is the, that's the Cadillac brand. Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah. But off-brand is even great. Super producer Isaac, mega producer Isaac, ultra producer Isaac.

I've never seen, just real quick, I've never seen crack cocaine available in a vending machine, so don't pick that. No, can't pick crack. I'm gonna take Snyder's pretzel bites. Great! Pretzel pieces. Oh, Snyder's pretzel bites. Those got me through college, after college. Which flavor? Just classic? Cause the honey musties are... Yeah the honey mustard is really good.

Yeah literally. That's what legend is. The ranch. The buttermilk ranch is also very good. The bacon cheddar. Is there a bacon cheddar? We just found the gateway to his crack experience was the honey mustard Snyders. I was eating a lot of those. They had him at the Duane Reed at NYU Yeah, it's no surprise. Yeah, they do a buffalo flavor. I think you've I bet they do I bet they do Buffalo wing, I think I would honor my house by by allowing a bag of that

Man I'm gonna go pick up some today. Yeah. Yeah, those are good Excellent picks all around. To recap the draft, David, you went first. You took Snickers, Cheetos, Barbecue Lay's, Welch's Fruit Snacks, and the Famous Amos. Sean, you went second. You took Pop Tarts, Jack Links, Skittles, Sun Chips, and Kit Kats.

Dan, you went third. You took Gardettos, 100 Gram Bar, Funyuns, Starburst, and Gum. I went last, and took Gardero's, 100 gram bar, Funyuns, Starburst, and gum. I went last and I took grandma's cookies, smart food white cheddar popcorn, honey roasted peanuts, a Slim Jim, and a cracker sandwich. Excellent drafts all around. Great vending machine.

If all those things are in one vending machine, you've reached Valhalla. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, just stand there. You walk among Ealla. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, just stand there. You walk among Elysian fields. Yeah. What do we leave on the board here?

I think- Combo. Sour pizza combo. Combo, sour patch kids. Combo, sour patch kids. Sour cream and onion chips. Sour cream and onion chips. Chesma.

Lay's is a big one. Yeah, Cheddar and sour cream. Oreo four pack. Oreo four pack is very big. Nutter butter. Hostess cupcakes. Nutter butter. The Hostess cupcakes. All Hostess.

Honestly was gonna take it, but repositioned. But yeah, Hostess cupcakes fucking rule. Oatmeal cream pies too, and Cosmic Brownies. They make those danishes, those little danish guys. Oh, the danishes are good. Oh, the danishes. You see those guys. And I didn't have it on my list.

I just thought of it, otherwise I would've picked it. With the old English lettering. Yeah, yeah,'s. You see those guys? I didn't even have it on my list. I just thought of it. Otherwise I would've think of it. With the old English lettering? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Oda Spunkmeyer? Oda Spunkmeyer fucking rules, but grandma's is, she's the queen. Oda Spunkmeyer, how do you like to be seated in a hot tub booth at a steakhouse

with Oda Spunkmeyer and Jack Link? Just talking snacks. Oh, man, we are. Chopping it up. Chopping it up about. He was a sex worker tonight. Just talking about the power struggle that is the snack business.

I think Wolf Link might come up in that conversation. He goes, you know, my daddy used to have a torture chair for some of these ladies of the night. We wanna hear your picks. All fantasy pod on Twitter, allfantasypodcast.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon, where we have live, Sean told you, live episodes,

auction drafts, bonus episodes, video content, pre-roll content, all sorts of wonderful delights, and live episodes, one of which we are doing the night that we are recording this, but will have happened a week ago. But you can also see that live stream because they're recorded on the patreon shut it to everyone the a fe subreddit the a a fisha slack any shout out to hyper producer I

That's me on crack. That's you on crack did I find this producer in the game isingly That's you on crack, dude. The finest producer in the game, I think. Shout out to Sansu Carmel, shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Sid the Dude, shout out to Haji Beats, and more importantly than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sh-crackity! That was a hate gum podcast.