All Fantasy Everything - Weddings (Live in Portland with Shane Torres, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

Happy Thursday, fam! This week WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM PORTLAND! Obviously we're excited about it :) As Ian and Sean are getting married, and David is potentially taking a Bolivian bride. We figured it was only fitting to draft "Weddings!' We are joined this week by Wyatt Burp, AKA Sugar Shane Torres! It was fuuuuuuuuuuuun. Episode Guest:Shane Torres @shanetorres IG: @syrupmountain See Shane live in Portland 12/4! TicketsSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Merch: teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. What's up Portland, Oregon? How the hell are you? Yes! Oh, no. Uh-oh. It is so fucking good to see all of you. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. Just me tonight. Just me. Sean had to cancel. He's babysitting.

David missed his flight. Ugh. Super realistic. Listen, it could just be me, but I mean, I'm not gonna waste your time with that fallacy. With that work of fiction. As perfect as it may be, worthy of being nominated thrice and winning one Emmy.

You know, who not? I'm going to bring out my friend. He's here. You know him as Sean S. Jordan on Twitter, Sean Cougar Mello Jordan on Instagram. Give it up for Sean Jordan! Yeah! Cougar Mellow Jordan on Instagram.

Give it up for Sean Jordan! It's not babysitting if it's your kid. Who's babysitting who, though, bro? Damn! Open your third eye, dude. This is fantastic. I don't know. There really aren't words. This is so amazing damn open your third eye dude this is fantastic I don't know

there really aren't words this is so amazing to look out there are words you just might not know them I'm gonna use them we both recorded albums here it's so cool to be back in Portland doing shows this is just so sick

I'll be funny at some point this is amazing thank you so so so so so much in Portland doing shows. This is just so sick. Well, I'll be funny at some point, but I just had to. This is amazing. Thank you so, so, so, so, so, so much to everybody that came out. God, this is cool. This is cool.

Hey, Marissa. God. This is so sick. It's beautiful, dude. Ian sneakily put the chains on, by the way. They haven't been on all day. He didn't put the chains on, by the way. They haven't been on all day. Ian didn't put the chains on.

Ian brought the chains out. Ian was letting the chains take a nap in the chest hair in the taco meat there for a minute, and then we were listening to rap music backstage, and I got excited, and then I popped all three of them out at once. We were. David's back there like,

man, this is like football. I'm like, yeah, this is fucking tight, dude. You know, because we this is like football. I'm like, yeah, this is fucking tight, dude. You know, because we all played football equally. We all had an equal play in our football team. Some of us hit varsity at different points in our career. We all knew what it was, though, for sure. It was like football

because you did the splits and your dad's not here. That's why. True story. Is that mean? I don't know if that's mean. Oh, he's dead. He's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is dead. This is the first time I've been excited he's dead

because I've already beat him as a dad. By a long shot. Here I sit, breathing. I'm not dead, so, you know. This dude loves his baby, bro. I'll tell you that for free. He really does. He really does.

Yeah, I sure do. I have one picture that I show whoever, whatever pictures, but there's one where I'm like, yeah, we just kind of took it, but it's like a photo shoot picture. She looks dope. It's really nice.

I rocked her to sleep last night while you guys were all singing karaoke, and I didn't want to be there at all, so it's fine. I love having a kid. It's good. I'm absolutely in. It's the decision.

It was the right decision. I'm 40, so it's about time to settle down and have a kid. Soon to be 40. Soon to be 40 years of old. Pushing 40s, pushing boardies in the house. God damn it, this is tight. Now you know him.

Now you know him as the G is silent. Whoa, the G is silent on Twitter. I'm not drunk. I just haven't spoken in public in a while. You know him as the G is silent on Twitter. Coolguyjokes87 on Twitter. I'm not drunk. I just haven't spoken in public in a while. You know him as the G is silent on Twitter. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. Give it up for David Boren!

That's pretty cool. Yeah. What's it like at the nerd table, bro? You don't even... This is a cool table. It looks like we're here to talk about having beat the Rockets. It looks like we're about to draft our guests. Out of Wilmington, Delaware, 6'6", 380.

380. The league has changed. 380. 380. The league has changed. The league has... How are you, buddy? I'm so... I've been with you this...

Most of this day. Yeah. But it's great. I'm great. I've been having such a good time. It's been a minute. We were out here for like four or five minutes. Anything could have happened.

I don't know. You're making me... I heard you rip on Sean. That was pretty fun, right? Yeah. A little jamming. How was Bolivia? I don't know.

I don't know. No habla. You don't speak Bolivian? I don't speak. Unless I get it. All right. Gwen Stefani. Shout out to Gwen Stefani.

She's here. Do you have anybody... Did you... Speaking of Gwen Stefani and DMs. Yeah. Do you have anybody that when you first got verified, you DMed thinking that... Some of us aren't verified, Dave.

I'll field that question. Yeah. Wing stop. I'll field that question. Yeah, a wing stop? I think it was wing. I just want one jersey or post as much as you want. We don't like to live and die by the blue checkmark, bro.

Just the blue flag. You know what I'm talking about? Your boy's a crip. Your boy's a crip. Is he? No, he's not. He's a dad. You're a crippin-ass dad, though.

That's good. I'm just leaning in. I was like, you bleed blue, huh? Do you bleed blue? You're top five crip dads I know about. Just Sean Jordan's new book, From Crips to Cribs, and it's him on a blue...

with a blue paisley diaper. Just out there crib walking, just, uh-oh, uh-oh. That's how you put her to sleep. Oh, it's tough. I'm not even going to bring our guest out. Yeah. Oh, they don't know who it is.

I forget because we've been with them all day. I feel like a lot of people kind of know who it is. Yeah. And not even because they saw him, just because there's a certain vibe in the building right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of a funk in the air. It's Dank in here.

Oh, it's Ben Dank in here. Calm down. I walked in at one point. We have different definitions of Dank. For me, Dank is like when you walk into a room where somebody just pooped. Then I'm like, oh, it's dank in there. No, no, that's buck in the bad way.

Unless you're weird, then it's buck in the good way. Like you're sharing a hotel room with somebody you don't really know that well, and they just shit, and the fan is only loud. It doesn't actually move air. Like, if you just let two teen boys stay in a room together for eight hours, it's going to be dank in there. You washed your, like, shirt, but not your undershirt?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, there's a grapefruit that's been in the fridge three days too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got one Nike sock and one Adidas sock, and both of them are gross. Yeah. You're going to hear a rap song tonight. You're going to hear a rap song tonight.

Before you do, I need to bring out someone to witness said rap song. You know him from his stand-up comedy stylings. You know him from being a legend of the Portland, Oregon scene. You know him by the name Jose Conqueso, Doc Hollandaise, Wyatt Burp, Gravy Crockett, Sweaty Murphy,

Spaghetti Van Halen, David Lee Broth, Olivia Fig Newton John, Elton Flan, Pastrami Malick, Sad Sad Leroy Frown Michael Clark Duncan Hines The legend known as Snack De La Rocha Give it up for Shane Torres!

Doing the butt! Oh, doing the butt. Oh, doing the butt. Oh, that's like... You know in Rocky IV, right before Apollo gets killed and they say all of his nicknames? Oh, yeah. Gravy Crockett, the Hispanic Titanic. You guys have the same nickname. The Master of Disaster, the King of Stink.

El Borracho Muchacho. The Night Tiger, sure. Yeah, all of them. Syink. El Borracho Muchacho. The Night Tiger. Sure. Yeah, all of them. Syrup Mountain. Syrup Mountain, yeah. The Night Tiger. What?

Von Beef Lovin'. Oh, loud, big Von Beef Lovin'. Loud, big Von Beef Lovin'. You think they need your help with this shit? That's where we got most of them is from the audience. Yeah, we appreciate it. We just stopped some guy in the street and we're like, let's start ripping off nicknames for Shane. He just had

a grip. Crowd source, dude. It's basically Wikipedia. It's basically Wikipedia. It might be. I'll tell you what happened to me. You want to know what happened to me? I knew he was going to do this right now. You want to know what happened to me? I do want to know what happened to you.

Yes! I fucking hate that shirt. Jesus Christ. It's twisted, dude. It's fucking twisted. I just brought in your headshot, and I was like, make this into a caricature-type thing,

and this is what I ended up with. A twisted ass t-shirt. You look like you should be directing traffic outside of a Spencer's Gifts. Fucking start that with me. You want to know how I direct these cars? That's my friend Bruce in the Batmobile. My Joker kind of sounds like Paul Giamatti.

And I... Yeah, a lot. I thought that was my design. No, well... I don't know the difference between those two people. He would be a good Joker. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Walter Vaughn is the Joker?

Yeah, yeah, he would be. And also a good penguin. He'd be a better penguin, yeah. All right. Is that a body thing? Y'all ever heard Benedict Cumberbatch try to say penguin? That's a fun YouTube video. You guys on YouTube?

Can you do it? It's YouTube.com. Yeah, so he's like... He's like narrating a British... Like a British Planet Earth-ass thing. And there's like a video of penguins. And he gets it right the first time, which is weird.

He's like, where are the penguin? Or whatever Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like. And then he's like, look at this family of peng... Look at this family of penguins. Ponguanamose. Ponguanamose.

Ponguanamose. A family of pangolons. That's like when John Oliver says condoms, he calls them condoms. I hate that so much. You're in America. Strap up or get out. Rub her up and just go.

That's your lower back tattoo. That boy's shaking pump. That boy's shaking pump. Something like that. Will you say it once, please? I don't even remember that night. That's what makes me so angry. Just give me what you think it might have been,

because I wasn't there. I wasn't there. You know what it was. You know who you are, and you know how you talk. Don't do it. This is just like in the lobby the next day. When I said it to you, and you looked at me like I'm a fucking asshole.

Well, if you don't remember something like that, and we're in a hotel lobby... You know, you... On a professional business trip... That's not... Oh, it's on a professional business trip? We did cocaine the night before. On a professional business trip.

Show me lots of professions. You're acting like that's like not remembering. I professionally did cocaine that night. I put it on a business card. Can you just do it? I said you can reach me at any prize winner car location you like. Can you please just do it? But this is the best way to get a hold of me.

You know what it sounds like. Can you please just. You say you don't remember it as like not remembering hitting for the triple crown in baseball. It's like, you should be proud of it. It's amazing. Well, first of all, we all know I can't hit a baseball because you've shared that story on this podcast enough.

Thank you for being a grown-up and admitting that you missed 30 fastballs at a batting cage in a row. It was 49. I tipped one off. It was 30 and you did not. Can we please hear... Well, that boy Shane can pump.

That's not. Do it. For real. You said, I heard that boy Shane can pump. But you said it's so technical. Can I act like you just did cocaine and that's how you would say it? Because that's what I hear you did. Do you have any? No.

We're grown-ups now. Let's not say that we're grown-ups. One of us had a kid and the other one's getting married. I have a daughter now. Let's not act like, let's not say that we're grown-ups. One of us had a kid and the other one's getting married. I have a daughter, Shane. Will you please do the cocaine little thing? She's great. Can you do it?

Just do it. Okay. You know what it's... That boy Shane can pump. I don't like being put on the spot. Now when you do it... Oh, you're shy now? I'm always been a little shy.

You go stand in the middle of the street like I imagine you were doing the night you did it and just scream it to strangers. Picture him swiping his feet like a bull getting right into charge. I heard that boy shank. That's what I do before pre-coitus. I heard that boy shank and pump.

Or like if you were being real mellow with it, like your debit card got declined one time and you're like, that boy Shane can pump. And then it gets approved and you're like, alright, good. Because that boy Shane was about to pump. What? What do you think? He just got a debit card. He's really excited. That's crazy.

What do you think pump is? What you just said. Sex. Is it sex? That's like if we were all sitting down to dinner and I was like, I'll have the fajitas and Dave was like, I'll have a salad and Ian was like, I'll have a salad and then you're like, I heard Shane can fajitas. And Dave was like, I'll have a salad. And Ian was like, I'll have a salad. And then you're like, I heard shank and pump. And they look at you like, and you look at them weird for not writing it down.

Yeah, with almonds. That's a simile. One of the foundations of comedy. Now we are gathered here today in Portland, Oregon. The Rose City. Bridgetown. Stumptown.

A third nickname. Boofoo County. Boofoo. Is that not Boofoo County? That's a bigger place. Did I misread the tone? No. Of what the city's about?

We do things a little different here in Boofoo County. My cousin's doing six months in Boofoo County. Not a lot of used bike trails in Boofoo County. You know what I'm talking about? I feel like Boofoo County is like a Discovery Channel show, and then it cuts to a guy with a long beard and no other hair on his face, and he's just like, yeah, I've been Boofooing on like a Discovery Channel show, and then it cuts to a guy with a long beard and no other hair on his face, and he's just like,

yeah, I've been boofooing on this county for 16 years. 16 years. In this county, it's either you boofoo or they boofoo you. And if you get boofooed, it's boo-hoo-hoo. Once the wells dried up in Boofoo County, folks were up for work. Yeah.

We just did whatever we had to do. Do everything you just did, but say buttfuck county every time. Is that what you're doing in your head to follow along? I'm concentrating so hard.

They mean buttfuck. They mean buttfuck. Well, the wells dried up in buttfuck county. The people of buttfuck. They mean buttfuck. Well, the wells dried up in buttfuck county. The people of buttfuck county are hard working. We got a thing back where I'm from in buttfuck county.

I have a daughter. Buttfuck county? It's Polish, actually. Buttfuck. It means dancing raindrop in the sun. Yeah. I thought there was sun on my belly in the winter. I lost this riff. I lost it.

Yeah, I'm out. I'll tell you the truth. I don't know where we are. Well, Shane no-butted me, so, like, first of all, he didn't go to the Grandlings, and that's, like, become abundantly clear. It's true.

You're not trained. I was just trying to go with you on this. I don't know what I did now. Everybody knows it's yes and, though. What? When you're riffing, you gotta yes and. Oh, I thought I was yes anding. I just didn't agree.

Well, you butt-node. I'm on your side. Don't look at me like that. Sounds like you're on my side. Don't look at me like that. We were up till 5 in the morning together. 5.30. Don't be like that. I got loaded're on my side. Don't look at me like that. We were up till 5 in the morning together. 5.30. Don't be like that.

I got loaded and took a scooter home. He did. That sounds like, let me, so were you on the scooter? Sounds like a thing that happens in butt fuck. Shane fucked a scooter last night. Do you still have to give me your debit card info? No, they just let you hit it wrong. Yeah, five, six other guys were already on that thing before.

Do you ever see those guys riding by with two scooters? Yeah. Where are they going? Two different butts. They put a condom on for both. What are we here to do? I don't know. We're doing it. I'm out of the house. I have here to do? I don't know. We're doing it.

I'm out of the house. I have a daughter now. I don't know if you heard. So I'm here to get hammered. And if I get paid, I get paid. Sean has been like, I got a hotel room. Sean got a hotel room. Can I tell you, I went to his hotel room earlier

because we came here together. He had six white claws unopened just out. Like, not even in the fridge, just like on the counter. They were all lined up like I was going to kill them. Like Leon the Professional. Just like clips. Do the

six white claws. Like that? Yeah. Also, I love that you stopped drinking 40s but you started drinking White Claws which is also a malt.

40 ounces of something else. Eight and a half ounces? Ten ounces? What is that? I guess fuck me, huh? Sorry. Yeah, you suck. Sorry I'm being

such a bummer, everyone. Twelve. No, you're killing it. It's not 40 ounces. You drink four of them it's a 40 plus. Probably more than four by the end of the second show.

Huh, babe? I'm certain of that. I'm pretty hungover, but... You just gotta fight through it, man. I mean, this is my second margarita. I'm ready to go. Round of applause for everybody here at Mississippi Studio, guys. Take care.

Look at him. No, hack. That was a hack. Hack, dude. I'm being sincere. Let's give it up for the frontline workers while we're at it, huh? And all the single moms, let's just do it. Don't forget about the troops.

You're in Portland. Yeah. In Buckfoot County, we've got something called Patriots. Jeep Patriots, $49,000. Come on down to Lee Harvey's Boofoo County Jeeps. Listen here, you Boofoo County Jeep. What did you say in my hotel room at 5 a.m.?

A lot of things. I don't know. You blew up. I didn't say. I said I love you, but I didn't mean it. You should never, on a microphone being recorded in front of a crowd say, what did you say in my hotel room at 5 a.m.? Say it again. Someone said

blue-eyed quadroon. That was you, and then I said, it sounds like something an old white guy would say walking by a jazz club. Oh, that is what happened. It was me. It was. I said blue-eyed quadroon. You knew what he said. I'm sorry. Yeah. I take it.

We were getting to the bottom of some stuff. We cracked into the mini bar pretty hard. We really figured it out. I was drinking a can of wine. You didn't figure it out. We are gathered here today not only to crack open a can of wine, but also to all fantasy draft weddings. Everything about them! It's a wide open draft topic, much like the mall, the first time the three of us ever drafted together, the mall Clooney, shout out to human rights lawyers.

We're drafting weddings a couple of reasons, just that spring is in the air, you know? Spring is sprung. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever think when people said spring is sprung that Spring had a boner? Yeah. I just wanted to not be the only... That's a nicer way of saying it. That's what it sounds like. It sounds like Spring's got an erection.

You know Spring's sprung. Sean Jordan has a daughter. I do have a daughter, yeah. He also has a fiancé. I have a fiancé. So technically that daughter's a bastard. The daughter's a bastard. Boy, people do not think that's funny ever.

I've tried it. Oh, that you call your daughter a bastard? People don't like that you call that baby you love a bastard. You just did, and everybody seemed to think... They're clearly just scared for her. I love it. I think it's great. Listen here, you little bastard.

It's funny when I do it, because it's not my daughter. I don't know if that's why. Yes. She was born out of wedlock, and that makes... Oh, no, I do it because it's not my daughter. I don't know if that's why. Yes. She was born out of wedlock. I like it. Are you a bastard? I'm a bastard. I was born out of wedlock.

Yeah, of course I'm a bastard. Why do you think I do comedy for money? There was obviously a lack of love at some point. Ian's not a bastard. I'm not a bastard. Those two figured it out for enough time for me to not be one. No, no, no, no.

My parents were wed in the eyes of God. Oh, like common law? Yeah, what does that mean? I think that means he's a bastard. They went to a cathedral and then they said some things

that it turns out they didn't really mean. First of all, there's no cathedrals in Texas. Quit trying to show off for all these people. Oh, there's some cathedrals in Cowboy Quit trying to show off for all these people. Oh, there's some cathedrals. Yeah, they went to a football stadium.

Jerry Jones officiated. I get it. Yeah, the grassy knoll. That's another one of ours. It's Texas. I was also effianced recently. I'm going to get married. Yeah.

The lucky man. There's some weddings. My little sister, Aliza Carmel, was supposed to have been married four times over by now. Her wedding date, get this, April what? April 18th. April 18th, 2020 was the original. I don't know what happened.

Something happened. I feel like something happened. I feel like something happened. I feel like something got in the way when she was supposed to get married April 18th. Somebody from Buttfuck County went on a road trip. Buttfuck County. I think you guys got a new shirt. I only bring up Aliza Carmel's pending nuptials,

which are now happening this September, jaw-willing, to note that the U.S. Postal Service, shout-out to them, gave a return to sender... You don't clap for government workers at all? This isn't Boofoo County. A return to sender attempted not known, unable to forward a wedding invitation

to one David Borey. Oh, don't tell people where I live. I'm in a different place. Give me that under the table. 420-187 Main Street, Bolivia, Bolivia. I don't even know there was a city, but it says you live on 420-187 Main Street, Bolivia, Bolivia. Well, they were supposed to forward my mail, though, to other places that I'm not. Don't have you at Lisa and Tyler's wedding.

I don't know where you live. Don't fucking make it a thing. There's the invitation. We'd love to have you at the wedding. Do you have pockets? Yeah, I mean, I'll just put it here. It's fine. Did you get yours in the mail? I did not. Oh, money! This is the only thing I'm a guest at. Uh, I did not. I guess that's why I... This is the only thing I'm a guest at.

Oh, no. That's fine. I wasn't here slugging it out for ten years either as a comedian. Oh, it's fine. That is twisted, man. I think you're invited. I think you just... Do I get a plus one?

I wasn't invited, and that's fine. It's in the mail. Yeah, the mail's going nuts. It's in the mail. Ew, it's fine. I'll tell you why it got lost, dude. The real Joker, dude? The real Joker? John's got a Joker on his shirt it got lost to the real Joker dude the real Joker real John's got a Joker on his shirt dude, but the real Joker, bro

The real Joker dude the real Joker my friend the real Joker This is twist real Joker dude the real clowns if I'm being honest dude the real clowns right now Dude the real friggin clowns dude. He's talking about fucking Washington DC, bro. Oh shit Shane Ian's got a he's got a bit. It's a bit that he's been doing. Oh, Christ. Don't you have kind of a joke about the administration? Well.

You know about the White House? Yeah, yeah. We got you here to the streets. You're political. Well, it's actually, that's a colloquialism. It's actually called the Presidential Mansion,

but a lot of people call it the White House due to its color. It was painted that color after the War of 1812. The British sacked it, burnt it, they painted it white afterwards.

A lot of people call it the White House. The President lives there. But me, and by the way, this is a sort of inside the beltway joke. Sure. Do you care if anyone uses it?

Feel free to use it. It's in the greater D.C. area. Please do give me credit. But 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Lately. What with all the goings on? Political? Political and otherwise.

I've taken to calling it. Oh, no. This is the White House, by the way. Wait for it. I've started calling it? Can I guess? The loony bin. That was right for a buttfuck county.

Shane, your hair is going crazy right now. I love it. Oh. Well, I don't think I have now. I love it. Oh. Well, I don't think I have any formal events to show up for. Wow. I was only going to have one meal. I don't know what the worry was. Viggo the Carpathian's disgruntled grandson.

You know what's wild? You're probably going to be a grandfather at some point now. That's crazy to think of. That is nuts. My grandpa drinks White Claw in the garage. Well, they stopped making it until he makes his own out there. Sometimes I come home and my grandpa's just listening to Dr. Dre.

Maxine, get in here. He's just out there tinkering and cursing. Yeah. My hair's not good though, huh? No, it's good. It's amazing. It's fantastic.

You have like a good tussle. You got like a, you know what you're doing. Don't be up here like you don't know what you're doing. You look like Jeffrey Rush. You're always like, you know,

from the pirate. Oh, is my hair crazy? And it's like, you know where you're at. He brought it up. I just didn't know if I had like some flyaways I needed to take care of.

If you feel sexy, feel sexy. You're not gonna do that. I do feel, I can pump. We're drafting weddings, and the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh! Oh! Unnatural! Unnatural! He had a baby, but decided to let him win. Twist it. Twist it, dude.

Shane goes last. I know we didn't do any of the other stuff yet, but I just wanted everyone to know. We got like a... Maybe Shane doesn't want to know. We got like a... Maybe Shane doesn't get to go. Did I tell you what I'm not going to? The doctor.

Apparently, something that's happening... I don't know what the fuck this thing says. I can't open David's mail otherwise I'll commit a felony. You're gonna make my sister feel bad. Stop it. Oh, I make her feel bad. I'll make you feel bad. I know you will. I don commit a felony. You're gonna make my sister feel bad. Stop it. Oh, I make her feel bad. I'll make you feel bad. I know you will.

I don't like it. This got too real. I'll be busy at the Boise Funny Bone that weekend. She thought you were doing the second iteration of Ron White's Night of Star-Spangled Banter. Did you do that? I did Ron White's Comedy Salute to the Troops at the evening of Star Spangled Banter.

I don't know if you're kidding. No, that was my first credit. Dead serious. First credit. Sean Jordan, as the winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of tonight's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you,

it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. Shane? What is it? Do you know what it is, Shane? I bet I could figure it out. A serpentine draft?

I'm sorry I couldn't hear you, Sean. You know what a serpentine draft is? Why don't you explain it for all these fine folks? Let's definitely make this part of the show longer. This is what they came out with. Hold on. All of a sudden, I'm supposed to pick up this one? No, no.

That was the whole bit. I had one. Well, I missed it, goddammit. It's okay, buddy. I'll try better. It's like that video game Galaga. Let's talk about it at the wedding. Galaga.

All right, Dad. You have to shoot all the spaceships, so you start on the right side, and you shoot all the way up, and you want to shoot all the spaceships, the alien invaders that are coming down. So you shoot from right to left until you get a good, like the front line gone, and then you... They built back up again. We got Laura pregnant.

And then you shoot from left to right, and then, you know, another front line is gone, and then you shoot from right to left, and then eventually you have a dirt. She probably did have to shove a quarter into it. This is a raunchy one. With that in mind, Sean Jordan, basically if you pick fourth in the first round,

you pick first in the second round, what will the order of tonight's draft be? Let's go Shane first, guest, David, myself, Ian. What is the order you see on the stage? Right here. Why is the text on your phone so small? Hot quarter! I didn't know.

My note, sir. What? Huh? We all on our phones? Is that what this is? I put my notes. I put my notes. I got my list.

Is this what friggin' entertainment has turned into? No, I got my list. Just a bunch of guys on their phones refreshing Twitter? Come on, man. You know I know. Because reality, man. It's too crazy for you? The real world, bro?

Is that what's up? The real world's too twisted for you, bro? You know who's not on their phone? The Joker, my friend. Oh, dude. Mr. Buttfuck County. Ladies and gentlemen, you're 2021 Mr. Buttfuck County.

The Joker. Creamy Dan Williams. You guys remember that show? Let me answer the question right now. We don't want to know how you got those scars. You remember that show on Fox back in the 90s, Buttfuck County Junior? It was pretty good.

I thought you were going to say Herman's Head. That's a pull. That's a really good pull. Shane Torres, you have the first pick in the Weddings All Fantasy Everything Fantasy Draft, and we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by schedule 35 now microdosing is an absolute game changer i have never heard a bad word about it and like we said this episode of all fantasy everything is

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The only podcast that has ever existed! This is it! This is it! This is it! If you've listened to a podcast, it was All Fantasy Everything. If they were talking about a favorite murderer of theirs, that was us!

Sugar Duchenne Torres. Yes. The big cranberry himself. You have the first pick in the Weddings, All Fantasy, Everything Draft. What will that first pick be? Is it gonna be Getting Invited? Aliza! I told my sister you died. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, all right. I'm sorry.

I told her in our way I'll hate you. I was going to convert. Wait, do you have to do that to go to one of their weddings? You were going to convert? That's like saying I was going to convert. Wait, do you have to do that to go to one of their weddings? You were going to convert? That's like saying I was going to play Deadpool. We're not taking you. What are you talking about? Why wouldn't you take me?

Do I have a plus one? I can take you. Shane, you can come. I mean, can't I? For my first pick. I'm going to move this along. I'm officiating. Dana, are you here? Yeah, my girlfriend's...

Or my fiance's not here. You could be my date, dude. There's the man I love and the man who stole him away from me. Oh, man. Okay. My first pick in this draft for the weddings is... I love this. Is running into people you have already had sex with at a wedding.

Because everyone's dolled up, you know? And it's like, it's so great because you look good and they look good. And you're like, I must have done all right in my life. I had sex with old flower dress over there. If I had sex with old flower dress over there. Yeah, that's like a fun one. Then you're just like. Is that a wedding specific thing?

I feel like that's just like everywhere. Yeah, I run into a lot of people at weddings I've had sex with. Does Shane just go into random weddings? What does that mean about you? Shane fucks caterers. You do. You do. Oh, I'm getting a headache.

Oh, God damn it. Nice, humble first pick. Great job, Shane. Running into people you've already had sex with So you're at a wedding What really is it You are receiving a bump of Affirmation and self respect Based on when someone cleans up

And you see them looking nice And you're like wow By the time in an evening Where a young woman Has decided that she will have sex with me, we're already pretty far down the gutter. You got it too better. You're very attractive. Thank you.

I know. You are like, oftentimes I will find myself thinking, I'm sorry if this is weird, I'm like, Shane is sexy. Yeah. That's not a joke. Okay, all right. Especially, and this is how you know it's real, because especially after you cut your hair to a reasonable length,

that's how you know that it's real, because I shrouded it with an insult. Yeah, when I cut my hair, because when it was down to here, I cut my hair because I cut it for Colbert. I got it trimmed. You wanted a little locket to keep in the suit jacket. I wanted it to cut this much off, and the guy basically scalped me.

And then I kind of lost it on this guy in Greenpoint. I was like, I got to be on TV tomorrow. And then every single person I saw, they're like, this is so much better than your last haircut. You're very sexy. Thank you. You're a sexy dude. There's something about you. I'm taking compliments. I'm trying to get better at it. It just all makes sense. You're like a cold-smoked

trout sandwich. You know what I mean? That's exactly. That sounds gross, and then you eat it, and you're like, yeah, that's fucking delicious. At first, you're like, I don't want to put my penis in there. That's like really good. Maybe I'll put it in there. It's got hard boiled egg on it?

What? What? Huh? I'm used to talking to people on Zoom. Cool, so... Cool, bro. So Shane took running into people you've had sex with already. We're drafting weddings.

Well, that's going to happen at Sean's wedding. But you already had sex. What? Wait, what? You're going to run into people. Laura, you already had sex with. You're going to run into people Laura, you already had sex That was a bad joke Shane, I don't know who the dad is

And I'll thank you to keep that under wraps We have not had sex Because in the eyes of God You've been screaming about that baby Cat's out of the bag The rat, dude, the rat The rat's the dad, the rat's dead Oh yeah, the rat thing I killed the rat, dude. The rat. The rat's the dad. The rat's dead. Oh, yeah. The rat thing.

I killed the rat. Running into people you've had sex with. First pick off the board in the wedding. David Boring! I was gonna take that, so I'm fucked. David Boring! Of course not. I'm not an asshole. Just kidding.

What the fuck are you talking about? I love weddings. I think you love running into people you've had sex with. Yeah, that too. You're just at the mall. Are we at a wedding? No, we're at the Lloyd's Center. I told Shane we were taking Greyhound bus stations,

and he was like, same list. Same list. That might have happened too. David Boyd, you're first, Beck. I'm picking sexy dancing with someone out of your age range. Oh, yeah. Loaded. There's not like

a lot of times in life where you get to rub it up on an old lady yeah where everybody's like yeah cool in the gang

that's fine and I love like cause you know like dancing at a wedding it's just this thing where like you're out there

by yourself and there's some lady who like had too much fun in the 70s and she was like like dancing at a wedding, it's just this thing where you're out there by yourself and there's some lady who had too much fun in the 70s and she was like, yeah, I hooked up with a black guy at a Sly and the Family Stone concert. It might have been Sly.

Yeah, and then I'm there doing my thing, whatever my dance moves are. Your dance move is this one. It's like, remember when we were in Minneapolis and I kissed mom? It's like that kind of situation. I do remember that. A few of us did. Wait, what did you say?

I don't know what I was just doing, but I missed what you said. I was joking, but you did kiss somebody's mom. Yeah, I kissed our friend's mom. We'll talk about this later. I'm not going to do that. I don't know. I have no idea.

Who's Phoebe? Oh. You kissed her, Mom? It wasn't crazy if you were there. It was. Yeah, I remember. Sorry. I just want to...

It wasn't weird. It wasn't like... It wasn't crazy if I was there. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember.

I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. It wasn't weird It wasn't like It wasn't crazy if I was there And then your next support line was Everybody was kissing Yeah I'm not a prude If everybody's kissing I'm gonna kiss too

There was a bed in a warehouse It was in an empty room yes Well that's kinda cool Yeah it was cool man it wasn't weird house. It was in an empty room, yes. Well, that's kind of cool. Yeah, it was cool, man. It wasn't weird. Don't make me feel weird about how I express myself. Sexy dancing with someone outside of your age range. Yes. Specifically a little bit older. Yes. Yeah.

No, not the 80s. Very specifically, sure. Yeah, older. Dancing with old ladies is what I'm saying i do love that yeah i like to dance with old ladies a lot like i wish that like in a perfect world you could all i would rather flirt with old ladies than young ladies yes yeah they're more fun yeah like i want like you ever have like a waitress who calls you fat like like, that's who I want to flirt with. Like a mean diner waitress. Somebody where you, like,

order something a little bit healthier, she's like, that's not what you want. You're like, no, it's not. Yeah. I'm like, I'll have the trout and egg rights. And she's like, yeah, right. Yeah. I'll bring you the chicken fried steak

with maple bacon, baby. Yeah, thank you so much. I'll be right over with your exercise bands, too. It always feels like a lie when you order something healthy as a big guy. They just know. They don't believe you. That's why I'm so happy QR codes are back.

I love you so much. I love you so much. Yeah, dancing with somebody out of your age range. It is really fun. It is really fun. There aren't a lot of opportunities for that. That's what I'm saying. You don't get to dance with old ladies in life. If you go to a nightclub, it's not... It's just like...

They're often either spoken for or not in the same arenas that we traffic in. And to be at a wedding and just be like, hell yeah, this person knows how to have a good time. She just wants to celebrate good times. Come on! They know who they are. They know how to have a good time. She just wants to celebrate good times. Come on! They know who they are. They know how to have a good time and they know that we

are equally close to death so let's get out there. I like the flirting of they're just like, I should have married you instead of my husband. I've been in that situation so many times. It's so great. She's like, you've got a good pair of shoulders on you. Because we're not going to get married so there's no commitment there. It's just like, She's like, you got a good pair of shoulders on you. Because we're not going to get married. So there's no commitment there.

It's just like, maybe hand stuff? I know, but you start imagining a life where now you're the co-owner of all that Donna Karen New York. Yeah. Now I'm driving the pink Mary Kay Cadillac. That's right. Yeah. Picking the kids up.

I got myself a six bedroom, five bathroom and tiger thing. That's so bad. Dog, I would be such a good trophy husband. Yeah, dude. It would be like... If you were a trophy husband, I just imagine you like really cleaning out container stores and that kind of stuff.

Imagine me really only wearing briefs. She's got to see what she bought. David, put some clothes on. No. Imagine me. I'll be in the briefs. I'm too scared of briefs right now. I can't handle the power.

I'm wearing Pelican briefs right now. Got your Denzel's on. That's right. Sean Jordan is his name his first pick in the weddings all fantasy everything draft

the man is getting married I am crying yeah the best yeah the best as soon as

as soon as you come to terms with the fact that it's okay I mean it's okay to cry any time you want was Was that your second pick? Your first pick was my second pick, by the way, now that I'm looking at it.

That's wild. As soon as you come to terms with the fact that it's okay to cry whenever that happens in your life. For some, it's early, late, whatever. Mine was five years ago when I was like, I fucking cry, I guess. Is it when the miracle whip broke down? No. You were with me. I didn't cry. I had to stick my chin out it when the miracle whip broke down? No, no.

You were with me. I didn't cry. I had to stick my chin out. We were in a rough spot. Yeah, you didn't cry. But it's just dope. It's just dope to cry. Yeah, and David doesn't dance with old ladies at weddings.

You know it. That's right. We're like the Axis of Evil over here. We're like a fun tag team. The two shitbags saying weird shit at five in the morning. Race war. No, okay.

I'm just spitballing. White lightning, black heat. Could it be black lightning, white heat? Oh, that's even better. Because you don't know about black heat. Could it be black lightning, white heat? Oh, that's even better. Because you don't know about black lightning. No, and they sound like street drugs. They sound like trucker speed pills. I've got to be a dementia on eight hours.

Give me some black lightning. I picked crying. Now, what do you mean just like... Anyone? What's your crying power ranking? Who do you mean just like... Anyone, who do you... Oh, that's your pick? What's your crying power ranking? Who do you want to see crying the most? Give us the top five. The dad.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah. I want to see the dad really crying. It's all like, that's all guys, I want to see guys crying because guys notoriously don't cry, so I want to see dudes crying.

I want to see... I like a sober cry. That's something you like, where you're like, I bet you that person is sober. Yeah... I like a sober cry. That's something you like, where you're like, I bet you that person is sober. Yeah, I'll give you a drunk cry. No! You go! Get back here!

I'll give you a drunk cry because they're out of mini corn dogs. That's not a hard cry to get. I'm saying, I like a nice sober dad cry. Your father-in-law-to-be is a Air Force general. Square shoulders. Do you think he'll cry at the wedding? Yeah, dog.

Me, the general, and Laura's brother are going to be weeping. And Laura, Laura's mother, and I guess Laura's sister-in-law is going to be other non-crying. They're just going to be looking at us like, Laura's sister-in-law is your sister. Well, you're her brother's

wife. Yeah, fuck you, dude. I don't read a lot of books, but I was right. Good thing we're not drafting family trees. They always want to make fun of me for everything. Yes, he'll be crying. I'm going to be officiating if you guys are all crying. I'm going to be like...

I noticed how the chains got tucked back in. I'm going to be officiating if you guys are all crying. I'm going to be like... You can't... I noticed how the chains got tucked back in. Pull them back out if you're going to do the jerk-off motion. Don't worry about where my chains are. The chains went... Don't worry about where my chains are. Quit pocket watching. How did they make it back in?

They got cold. They got cold. They got cold. They got cold. They got cold. Yeah, crying. I want a good sober dad cry if I'm being like hella specific. I love this. Ivan, you gonna cry?

You here? Yeah. Yeah. You gonna cry? No. Yeah, Ryan. You're all, you're all, he's over here all turtled up doing this. He's probably crying already.

Jesus, you got ice water in your veins. That was amazing. That was the most Brooklyn shit I've ever seen. I'm also not going to put on her wedding dress. Sue Carmelo will be crying up for everyone with our last name. We'll be alright. Yeah, crying.

Ian Carmel's first pick and a handsome first pick it will be. Dickhead. Go for it. I'm taking an open bar. That's what I like at a wedding. That's what I like at a wedding. That's what I like at a wedding. Agreed.

Although I will say. Well, I can't hear. Although I will say. I can't hear a word of it. A few years ago, I officiated the wedding of a colleague. And they had alcoholic popsicles at this wedding. An open bar policy. Dice?

The dice ones? I don't know what the fuck they... The brand dice? They were free. I don't know what brand they were, but I ate a couple of them, and then I woke up in a hotel room the next day at 11. A hotel room?

Was I at this wedding? No, no, no. This was my friend Shana from Portland State University. I officiated the wedding, and then I had a glass of wine, and then I had two of the popsicles, thinking, that'll do it. That'lliated the wedding, and then I had a glass of wine, and then I had two of the popsicles thinking, that'll do it. That'll do it for you, Carmel.

Now let's ride this high out. And then I woke up in my hotel room. I got so fucked up. So don't do that. Do they have, like, Everclear in them or something? I don't know what they had in them. Shane, there's a lot of weddings

we're at that you're not at, man. It's just kind of... Damn, you see how he roped himself in that? There's a lot of weddings we're at that you're not at, man. It's just kind of... Damn, you see how he roped himself in that? There's a lot of weddings. Here's what I love. I love an open bar, because I love when people can go up and get drinks,

and then I love when there's a theme to drink to the bride and the groom. That's nice. Or the bride and the bride, or the groom and the groom, or the whatever gender people decide to, or not decide, whatever gender. You know what I'm talking about.

Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. We can put in one of Sean's boring ad reads right there. Whatever, Jen, do the two people being betrothed are. You walked this guy. You walked him. People give me shit about those ad reads.

I'm sorry. It's hard. We all want to hear you stammer through a blue apron recipe. What I think is hard is working a 12-hour shift overnight at a hospital, Mom. I have a daughter. I don't think saying

Blue Chew with the all-fantasy code is hard. Can't get hard? Try Hibs. I don't think saying blue chew with the all fantasy code is hard. Hey, can't get hard? Try him. I did it. Here's the new ad. I took a blue chew and now I have a daughter. That's pretty good. I just love an open bar. If you can't afford an open bar

at your wedding, shout out to you. That's fantastic as well. But on the off occasion that you do have an open bar, I love it because you get a lot of different beers. A lot of people say that. That's more of a Sanex thing. They're like, alright, we have the open bar till 11 and then there's like the 1058 rush.

Oh yeah. I'm going to need six beers and eight shots. Don't look at me. Have you ever been to one of those open bars and you're like let me get a shot of Jameson and they have to get like a pint glass out because they're like no one of those open bars and you're like, let me get a shot of Jameson and they have to get a pint glass out? No one's doing shots here. And you're like, well, I am. So use a fucking pint glass on it.

When it closes at 11, they're like, fill my floor shine with fucking Hennessy. I don't care. Whatever it takes. They paid for it. I'm making sure everyone gets their money's worth. Can I have like nine shots of red wine? And they're like, I mean, sure. Can we put it in one glass?

By the way, I'm planning my wedding right now. They charge a flat fee per person no matter what. They're just like, it's $68 for liquor per person. So you can beat that. I will beat that before the ceremony. I can take that around the block four times. I'll beat that before the ceremony's over. By the time you say I do,

I'll have made a hundred bucks. They're counting on teetotalers and grandmas, but you can take those fucking venues for a ride, dude. You really can. Welcome. Open bar is Ian Carmel's handsome first pick. Why does that bother you so much it doesn't I love it

I'm going to take my second pick and this is one this is anticipatory big word do you know what that means Sean it means to masturbate this is anticipatory for me and also something I love seeing when I'm at a wedding.

Wet now. The first looks are a big thing that people do now, which is when the groom sees the bride for the first time in the dress, and it's a photo opportunity. My sister, my older sister, Jessica Blaylock, got married earlier this year and had fantastic first look pictures. Give it up for my sister, Jess.

With her husband, Ty, at the Oregon coast, and they were fantastic. I love that. But what I'm picking specifically Oh. Shut the fuck up. Jesus. Every fucking time. Now what I'm taking specifically is when the groom sees the bride, or whoever's

stationed there, sees the person entering. I'm with you. I know what you're trying to do and I think you're doing a good job. When they see them in their accoutrement for the very first time. When Laura sees Sean in his Joker shirt. When Laura is stationed there in her dress, and Sean walks in. When she sees a ridiculous

purple Corvette with green flames coming out of the back. Look at me! Look at me. Look at me. But it is when the position traditionally occupied by the groom sees the bride traditionally for the very first time right there

in the venue and then you can see the dude where he's just like Yeah, yeah. I just love that. We call that the money shot. The money shot. You must not be from Buck County, boy. I'll tell you that.

My fiance, Dana Schwartz, and I have decided that I'm not going to see her in her dress until the wedding itself. And I'm picking that. Yeah. I'm worried.

I'm picking that because I can't wait for that moment. I'm going to fucking fall apart. You know those little things that people keep on their desks and you push the one button and the guy goes like that? That's going to be your boy. You're going to be like one of those things out in front of a car, like a used car lot, one of the waving air things.

You're going to whip up and then you'll be like... He's not getting married at a used car lot. Wacky, w Inflatable Tube Man? Yes. Wacky Wailing Inflatable Tube Man. I am really nervous for that time because we're going to do that too and I don't think I'll be able to get any words out. You're going to cry your entire wedding, dude. I know, man.

Well, it's an issue because I'm like, I want to be able to say something. The theme of your wedding should be the last 10 minutes of Schindler's List, the way you're going to be crying. I don't know about that. Even mine is the last ten minutes of Schindler's List, the way you're going to be crying. I don't know about that. Even mine is the first ten minutes. Those are different cries, Ian. All I could think of was Sean would be

wearing a red dress. Well, yeah, I'm sure you'll see a lot of Instagram stories about it and stuff. I don't follow you. stories about it and stuff. I don't follow you. I'm not going to invite him was the thing. I'm kidding. You're coming.

I wouldn't show up. I got it. That was funny. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick. I mean, it's crazy. It's the dance floor. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm picking just the most normal shit, but it's right.

I mean, the dance floor, it's the one time where I can actually go dance and not feel like I'm picking just the most normal shit, but it's right, I mean, the dance floor, it's the one time where I can actually go dance and not feel like a lunatic. I try to tell you this, you can dance all the time. Ah, man, I get in my kitchen about it. I get too self-conscious. I think that I'm a shitty, I am a shitty dancer. It doesn't matter. Nobody gives a fuck about you.

Molly at 3 a.m. at a comedy festival or any wedding. Those are the only times I can dance. Sean, no one gives a fuck if you dance. Have you ever seen him? So dance like no one is watching. Exactly. Hillary Clinton said it best. I'm just saying.

Have you ever seen a guy who looked like you who was a good dancer? Yeah. No, you didn't. Get your hand off me. No, because first of all, I'll tell you, no, he didn't. He thinks he looks like Van Damme, though. Yeah, I know. That, no you didn't. Yes, yes you have. Get your hand off me. No, because first of all, I'll tell you, no he didn't because of the answer. He thinks he looks like Van Damme though.

I'm saying... Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying. That guy doesn't look like Sean thinks that guy looks. I'm just saying. I look like Tyrese and Tyrese is a good dancer. That's true. And there's like a six foot two, in shape white guy who's a good dancer. Thank you.

You covered your tracks really well on that. That was really... Everyone's like, all right, fuck off. Like that, you know what I mean? Where he's just like... Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. You covered your tracks really well on that. Everyone's like, alright, fuck off. You know what I mean? Stop it. We're supposed to be bad dancers. You're supposed to have

fun when you do it. Have you ever, do you think you're a good dancer? Have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Have you ever really loved a woman? Do I think I'm a good dancer? I think I'm a good dancer in that when I dance, people around me have a better time.

Do I think? Do I think if there were a panel of judges... I'm not coming at you. If I was dancing and they were like... No, I don't think I'm good that way. That's the kind of dancer you're supposed to be if you're not a professional dancer. Do you ever convince yourself No, I don't think I'm good that way, but I think, yeah. That's the kind of dancer you're supposed to be if you're not a professional dancer.

Do you ever convince yourself that you're a good dancer is the next question. I'll take it as sassy. Are you ever dancing, and then you're dancing for a minute, and you're like, I'm actually pretty dank. I'm nice with it.

I do that sometimes, and a wedding is where I do that, and it feels great. I love that feeling. All right. When I say I can moonwalk, and I'm like, yeah, but I need my shoes off and, like, the right kind of socks, and it's got to be, like,

a wood floor, and, like, people got to be pretty tore up, and, like, you know, I need, like, nine different things to happen, and then I can moonwalk. Yeah, sure, I can do it. It's the podcast event you've all been waiting for. Four straight dudes drafting weddings. David Borey. It's the podcast event you've all been waiting for. Four straight dudes drafting weddings.

David Porry. Your second pick. My second pick. Oh, man. This one specifically happens to me a lot. Because let's be honest. I'm holding. It's smoking weed with people who don't usually smoke weed.

It's like, it's the best when somebody's aunt is like, hey, you got one of those jazz cigarettes? And I'm like, hell yeah, let's go bebop, mama. She got baked with Carlos Santana once. Yeah, and she just won't stop talking about it.

I was on a plane with Carlos Santana recently. Really? Yeah, when I was flying back from Kauai. I knew a man who used to play with him in the 70s, and then he would give me free sandwiches in the early aughts. Yeah. Because he was like, oh, you're a comedian. It's just like when Santana was here.

And I was like, I don't know, man, mayonnaise. Did he do that? You went like this when you said Santana, like just like when Santana was here. Oh, yeah. Because don't know, man, mayonnaise. You went like this when you said Santana, like just like when Santana was here. Oh, yeah. Because he had that like Colombia. A lot of what we do is just like Santana. Pretty much.

I've always said that. You also have collaborated with Rob Thomas. A lot of us have. Pretty smooth. I fucking hate that guy. He sucks. Yeah, man, smoking weed with people who don't, like, because it's like, it's like, smoking weed is fun. Like, doing cocaine with people who don't usually do cocaine is, like, not tight. That's like, that's like, not cool. Like, shit, Jake, I know you went to that camp for a while.

Like, I'm not gonna, but smoking weed with people don't usually, they just Shit, Jake, I know you went to that camp for a while. I'm not going to... But smoking weed with people don't usually... They just want three hits and then to listen to Santana. That's it. I love it. I love smoking out with people who don't usually smoke at a great occasion. Yeah, that's fantastic. I'm smoking everybody up at both your weddings.

Ivan, get at me. You get the general blunted. Get the general blunted. We'll see if the wedding still happens. Did you say Ivan get at me? Yeah, he smokes weed. I mean, no. I don't know. Ivan's going to get you stoned.

What are you talking about? Ivan doesn't need your weed. I'm sure he'll take it. I mean, I think we can compare notes. The first time I smelled weed and I knew it was weed, I was like, oh, that thing from my dad's car when I was a kid. I remember I was telling the other night, or yesterday, I was telling Ivan this.

The first time I ever met him, I was at the crib, the Ashtray crib, when you two lived together, and you were hopping in the shower. You're like, my dad's coming over. And so I hid the bong and Ivan comes in, said what's up to me, looked around and then he looks at me and he's like, where's the fucking bong at?

I'm like, oh, alright. It's behind the pillow. I hide things bad. That's my hiding pillow. Just a simple hick from Bufu County I had to set the pillow up on the wall And put it behind it

Nothing to see here, move along This is all satire by the way Just in case anyone in an official context Is listening, this is satire Yeah, they can't put that together We've said the phrase butt fuck It's what this is. This is so fun. I'm having a very, very, very good

in case it wasn't obvious. Man, I needed this. This is rad. I'd be having a better time if I had a Hendrix and tonic with a lime. And if I had a margarita, I might really not blow my next pick. She tried to order you one.

And a shot of any tequila that you got back there. If Ian was having a good time. Yeah, Sean's got a room at the Marriott. He gets to get stinky drunk all night. Don't blow up his spot. You gonna say that to me after all the shit he does on this goddamn podcast? That's true. I forgot.

I'm a shame. I know you're on my side. I'm just reacting. It's a bummer that you talk to a rapper like that, dude. You're going to hear it in like 15 minutes. Oh, can we please drop that? We're going to do it. I mean, we only got like 20 minutes.

We're going to push. We're going to squeeze 10 more in. Are we done at nine? No, don't worry about it. Sorry. I'm sorry. Captain's got his hands on the steering wheel. Shane Torres, what's your second pick?

Okay. This. I call that, you're at a wedding. And this might be a thing that only happens in rom-coms. I'm not at it. But you're at a wedding and you're talking to someone. I'm talking with you. I'm like, yeah, man, it's gonna be a fun

day. Like, we're gonna have a couple drinks. And then I turn, and I'm, like, who's that? Because you see some... You see, like, a hot stranger. I love the, like, objectification of everyone at these events. What was your first pick?

Wait, so what... Hey, you don't even know about number three. So Jane's taken running into people you've had sex with and then running into people you'll never have sex with. I like a well-rounded list. You just look over and you're like, who's that? Well, it's not her, thank God. I had sex with her. Who's that? No, it's not her, thank God. I had sex with her.

Who's that? No, I already had. Why'd you wear white? What's that veil all about? I'm going to go talk to her. That brings me to my next pick. I like it when everybody talks about how beautiful the bride was and it's not sexualized. You know, it doesn't happen very often.

So it's kind of nice to see somebody just appreciate someone being beautiful. You really brought yourself out of the corner. Plus I like the purity of it. That's good because my next pick is blowjobs. I've never thought purity sounded gross before. How you doing over there, Mel?

Yuck, dude. Sounded like the Joker over there. Mars Mel's been, yeah, she's all right. She's been through worse than this. You think you can fucking wash up against those rocky shores, dude? No. I was actually just genuinely checking in. That was such a deep pick, man.

I got some simple stuff coming up. That's a wonderful pick. I do love when people are like, and it's like a grandma and then a cousin and like a friend.

She's beautiful. They're beautiful or they're handsome and no one's like, ugh. Do that again? Give me some tasty or whatever, you like, ugh. Give me some tasty. Do you say, give me some tasty?

Is that what you call vaginas? What? What? I thought he said, give me some tasty. Because no one goes to being a creep, or no one's just like... Oh, yeah. It's nice to just see people like, you look so nice and there's no, like, ulterior motive to get your perky rocks off.

I don't think there's an ulterior motive at most of these weddings. David Boyd, time for your third pick. Shane, that was a nice pick. Thank you. Don't let anyone give you any credit. I tried, yeah. My next pick is Bad Speeches. Yes!

Just like... It's always the best man. And he just blows it. Always the best man. He's just got a bottle of JMO in his hand. In his hand! Like, Luke, I never thought you were going to do it. Especially not with this bitch.

Honestly, I had sex with her. And you're like... Fitzy, you were there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was at a wedding and I was just sitting there and they came up to me and they were like,

can you emcee the wedding? Because I do stand up and I had to hold the mic from my buddy. I do stand up. I dabble. And I had to hold the mic. The box starts here.

Available now. Recorded right here on this stage. But I had to hold the mic for him because he had drinks in either hand and I'm like, just pull one of them down. He came up and he was shaking and bless his heart, he was shaking, he was almost crying, he was so nervous

but he had two drinks and I'm like, just set one of them down, bro. And then leave, you know? And then just leave. Don't even say anything. I love it. I've seen it go pretty bad a few times. It's amazing.

As much as I love people doing terrible comedy and laughing at that, I could watch bad best man speeches for four hours. Yeah, yeah. You know what's great is the pause on the first joke, and it doesn't land. And they're just like, well, you know, Kara's always been really into these kind of guys. Not Dan's.

Dominicans. Yeah, yeah. And then everyone's like, huh. There's just this long spot. And you see the sweat start. They start sweating immediately. I never thought Dan would marry a Jew.

And everybody's like... Because she's mad with money! Like that's saving it? What I'm saying is best man. The kind of thing that makes you a good best man is like the skills that make you a power lifter. And then giving a best man speech

to a diverse group of people is like running the 100-yard dash. So it's just like watching a buff dude run the 100-yard dash. Exactly. He doesn't have the tools to move at that speed. But he can find you ketamine in Utah. And that's why he's the best man. Excellent pick. Sean Jordan man. Excellent pick.

Sean Jordan. Your third pick. I like hearing stories that you're not supposed to hear. Like if you get a drunk uncle and they're like, well, I can't believe Jason got married after he embezzled $90,000. And then you're just like, what? And then he always does something like

Good thing her dad's paying for it Yeah somebody leans in like Good thing she's doing alright Because James had a plane I don't know if I've ever been to a wedding Where somebody had $90,000 After mine maybe you will be Oh because Ian's is after

I don't have $90,000 I'm just saying Yeah Ian's is after? I don't have 90 grand. I'm just saying. Yeah, Ian's getting married after me. Yeah, because people spill the beans a lot at weddings, and it's real fun to hear. Like, to be a fly on the wall, you're at the table, and people just start talking shit, like a personal story from, I don't know,

whenever, and you're just like, well, I don't think they wanted me to know that. People start bringing're just like, well, I don't know. It always great. People start bringing out the old familial dirty laundry. People invite the skeletons from the closet. It'll be like Bear Blaylock with a whiskey with his feet up on something, letting you

know what really happened. It's not like that kind of thing. He told you he won that fight? No, he got his ass kicked. You know he shit the bed until he was 12, right? Seems to be doing okay now. Until he was 12. If I didn't do a podcast,

I feel like my wedding would be when everybody found out I took a bath until I was like a sophomore. But thank God we get to put it on the podcast. Your bath thing is weird. It's insane.

It's insane. It's weird. It's crazy. And you do it in hotels, and that's the worst part. I know. I take baths in hotels sometimes. I was upset because my hotel doesn't have a bath. It's got one of those dope showers.

No thanks. Give me the bathtub. It's weird that he took baths, but it's also weird that you don't think you should take a bath in a hotel. No, there's too many. I don't think they clean the tubs the way they need to. What do you think? You're going to get Giardia? What are you worried about? First of all, that's a fine chocolate.

What, like your body is some temple that you're bringing in there in the first place? You're built for it, dog. You're fine. First of all, slim fit caramel. We ate biscuits for lunch. I don't... Across the street. it, dog. You're fine. First of all, slim fit caramel. We ate biscuits for lunch. Across the street. I do.

Here's the thing. If you think they cleaned those tubs, you're fucking stupid. If it's not dirty, they don't clean it. You're going to go down the rabbit hole, man. No, but I don't want my ass where a stranger's feet have been. And they don't clean it. You're going to go down the rabbit hole then. No, but I don't want my ass where a stranger's feet have been. And they don't want their ass where your

ex-girlfriend. Damn. You should have said my Instagram. Oh, your Instagram is all feet. I like that though. That's funny.

Shane's showing feet on Instagram. It's weird. I do. It's called my little toe hoes I don't know why it's so much worse When you say it

Time for my third and my fourth picks I love The father daughter Mother son dances I love it I just love it so much I love seeing those Like the dad will start

welling up, the mom will start welling up and then they're crying together. There's always some song with a lot of history. I just love it so much. She's always listening to Butterfly Kisses or something like that. So my mom loves Butterfly, like it's her favorite song.

And Laura hates Go crazy, bitch. Go crazy favorite song. And Laura hates You're crazy, man. When I feel alright, get it on, get it on. You're gonna be out there dancing I'm not the one who's so far away When I feel the snake bite into my

face God, man. songs. God, late 90s rock was the best. It was good. Turn your head now, baby. Just spit me out. Whip around.

It was a weird lyric to pick. You're right. It was a weird one. I didn't pick the best one. I just love that moment. It is really sweet. I think it's very sweet. I think it's very sweet. And whatever their relationship is, whether it's strained or it's been good all the way, it's really nice to see.

I don't know. I love it. I'll be a mess, man. I love seeing different kinds of love. Are you going to be a mess at the wedding? At my wedding or your wedding? Either. Answer both. I'll probably cry at different points at each of them. You're going to be able to get through officiating mine you know are you gonna are you gonna be a mess at the wedding are you gonna be crying at my wedding or your wedding either answer both

I'll probably cry at different points at each of them you're gonna be able to get through officiating mine just fine you think oh yeah yeah yeah

how how I'm a fucking that to me seems insane to me do you hear Ivan TV every night bro

it seems insane to me though no I'll be good I'll be good cause I gotta do it for you I thought that with Tori and with Lopez and I still I was weeping I'll be good. I'll be good because I got to do it for you. I thought that with Tori and with Lopez, and I still, I was weeping. I'll be all right. When Heather came out,

I was weeping. I might be pressing a thumbtack into my thumb in my pants while I'm doing it, but I'll be all right, man. I'll get through it. I'll cry later, dude. Shout out to Drake. Big listener. I do love the father-daughter. I do, too.

I'll be crying when I dance with my mom at my wedding. I'll be weeping when I see Dana for the first time. I'll be weeping, dude. What are you and Ivan going to dance to? Sledgehammer! I saw this guy at the Fox Theater in Detroit. I want to dance into a whole Frank Zappa album and you all got to watch and nobody can talk.

I was going to watch. That's the show to me, really. That's what I came for. Father Dutter. And my fourth pick. Oh! Tell me if this is too broad. The bride.

No, you know what I mean? Welcome to another brand new episode. I liked it. The bride. Ah, the chains are back out. They've been back out, dude. There's fucking snow falling.

1,800 feet. You got to put chains on. You are very clever, sir. You're a clever guy. What I'm drafting is Cultural shit I have this on my list Should I narrow it or is that okay? Oh you mean like if you go to an Indian wedding

I'm talking about like if you go to An Indian wedding and then they have their own Traditions or if you go to a Jewish wedding There's the chair dance and the hora If you go to a Christian wedding They pass around mayonnaise and everybody makes the cross on the forehead. Have you dipped your fist in the mayonnaise? Everybody pooh-bear some mayonnaise.

When's the father-daughter dance? After the father-son mayonnaise fight. Pooh-bearing mayonnaise is a great... What are you doing this afternoon? I was just going to hang out, watch TV, and poo bear some mayonnaise. Just take my me time, you know? Oh, bother.

What are you, from Boofoo County? Born and raised. Mother, won't you take me down to Boofoo County? John Prine? John Prine? John Prine? John Prine. Cultural shit. John Prine John Prine John Prine John Prine cultural shit I just love seeing

I love when you go to a wedding and it's someone who comes from a you know another culture and then you get to see some like traditions

that you don't normally get to see I just think it's really fun dude South Dakota and Michigan they're gonna get married next year it's gonna be tight

that's crazy dude yeah that's cool. Maybe you can turn it into a swing state. Brock Lesnar and Kid Rock finally going to do it. It's crazy that that's a state that people have to go to. Shane will be at the Chuckle Hut in Detroit, Michigan.

Registering voters. Things are going well for you in the interest of time I'll keep it moving Shan Jordan your fourth pick all day sunglasses that's like one of my favorite things about a wedding

I can have sunglasses on all day and it's fine thank you Bear you think you're Martin Bear's got shades around his collar right now. Like, yeah, bro, I feel you.

Yeah! It's the best. I love wearing sunglasses. Don't you ever compare me to that dickhead ever again. Apologies. The guy from Braveheart? Why? Oh, Ian, I got some bad news.

I'll tell you later. You're going to have to get those Lethal Weapon 1-4 tattoos. The liberal media took him down. Yeah, man. All day sunglasses. Pretty simple. Look at my hat. I'm loving it. Backwards. Pretty cool shit. All day sunglasses. Big wedding thing.

We all agree on that. Talk about it. Fuck off. It's backwards. Pretty cool shit. All day sunglasses. Big wedding thing. We all agree on that. Talk about it. Fuck off. It's dope. I get to wear sunglasses the whole time. I wake up, I put shades on, and I'm like, I'm going to a wedding. It's acceptable. Fuck you.

You don't know what I'm talking about. When you go to a wedding, you can just wear sunglasses the whole time. First of all, why do you think that is acceptable? Because we're at a wedding. Okay. You honestly have no idea what I'm talking about. When you say all day sunglasses,

that makes it seem like you're going bar hopping. Sean mostly goes to weddings that are the final table at the World Poker Tournament or whatever. Well, at least I'm invited. Fine. My sister left, all right? I know.

I bummed her out. She's not even there now. I haven't made a joke about that in 45 minutes. It's you guys running that one back. She's in the back making sure you're not invited. What's she doing? Cutting my brakes? Cut your brakes? Making sure I'm not invited. Like, she'll kill me. my breaks? Cut your breaks?

Making sure I'm not invited. Like, she'll kill me. Oh, like you'll die? Yeah. She's gonna kill him. She's gonna kill him dead. Your invitation was she was gonna have a bottle of body wash in her shower in her bridal suite,

and she knew you would come in and use it without any permission. Damn! Damn! Well, I had to find some way to clean up after, you know, doing all your dishes. Get out. This is crazy.

We're trotting out 12-year-old roommate beef. What do we have a rap song to listen to? Oh, yeah. Do you want to do it now? No, we got... Let's get through the fourth round and then we'll do it.? No, we got it. Let's get through the fourth round, and then we'll do it. David, boy, time for your fourth pick.

I like watching farm-to-table hookup at a wedding. Yeah. Like, you saw the two people come. You knew that that was the groom's niece. Oh, nice. And that was the guy he works out with, and you saw the whole thing happen, and then you saw the after party, the bride and groom are gone.

And then they're kind of dancing too close. And then you're like, I think he fucked her niece. And then like the next day you're at brunch and you're like, yeah, I mean, they are both from Baltimore. So, you know, whatever. Yeah, I love it.

I've seen it happen. They're hard dancing. Hard dancing? Yeah. Like the end of the night where you're like, whoa, grandma's still out here. Quit dropping it like it's hot. My niece is watching.

Yeah. Farming. Farming. I love it. I love it. Whether being a part of it or whatever, it's always. Because it's good. It's easy to get laid at weddings as long as

it's nice yeah it's in the air yeah all right comedy centrals conan's ron white's star status salute to the troops change chain torres what's your fourth pick i like i like this is like uh and i don't uh know if it happens with the... Are you going to take erectile dysfunction? God, get hard, get him. Well, I've heard. Would you do the thing with the groomsmen or the groom's party or the bridal party

where one of you is like, the groom typically or the bride, I assume, I've never been in a bridal party. Get to the main point of this. Put on your fucking sunglasses. When the groom gets to make a speech about how much he loves his friends to them before

everybody else. There's a moment where everybody's getting dressed and he's like, I just gotta say we're all fucking idiots for 14 years and now I'm getting married. It's a nice moment. Oh, I did that backstage. The sincerity. Yeah, like, hey guys,

we're gonna go out here. I love you. Yeah, absolutely. I was trying, but you know. Don't worry, my last one will be disgusting again. Now that we've gone through the fourth round, we have to take another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel.

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Babbel works. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college, which come on, that's a no brainer right there. So give it a try. Honestly, get up in there. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, you get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash all fantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash all fantasy spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. On today's episode, we're discussing weddings with three gentlemen. One betrothed, two wild stallions galloping upon the plains. Is that us?

That's you guys. Oh yeah, you got a horse dick. How did that boy shank him? Oh! A promise was made upon the scheduling of these live All Fantasy everythings and that promise was that we would all

listen to a song produced by one Isaac Lee Yeah Featuring the talents of Sean Jordan. I'm nervous. We now listen to the world premiere of Nike and Adidas. Hey there, pod listeners. Marissa here chiming in to say that Sean's rap track is so hot,

we're going to keep it a live show exclusive for now. We're going to skip over it, but I promise you it's going to be released to everyone in a few weeks time. Anyways, here is the response from the rap track. Yeah! What a dream come true! John Jordan!

Wild. You gotta give him one of those chains. Yeah. Yeah. I feel weird. Are we done? No. How do you feel? I feel great. That we done? No. Okay, all right. How do you feel? I feel great.

That was awesome. Thank you. I was very nervous and my face... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh. Damn.

That's how he got these scars. He had a chain on, bro. Yeah, it feels cool. I've been around a lot. I was very nervous. That was very scary. It's really good. Isaac really...

Yeah, it was funny. When we were... He was like yelling at me. He's like, hey, Buck. We're in the final round. Yeah, we are. Are we doing lightning round or no? Well, I got to bring a couple people up for guest.

Oh, yeah. I got to pee then. You go pee. Oh, yeah. I gotta pee, then. You go pee. Oh, what? Ass-hack. He's gonna cry in the car. No, he's just back there listening to that song. Fucking, yeah.

Fucking, right. Yeah. For my fifth pick, I'm gonna bring up a couple guests. Do it. One after the other. Not at the same time. My first guest, I'm going to bring up a couple guests. One after the other, not at the same time. My first guest, I'm bringing up Ivan M. Carmel to make a pick about weddings. Yeah! Yeah!

That's so bad. What do you think of the draft so far, Pops? You know, it's kind of a yin and yang to this. You know, it's like, I feel great for you and your sister. And the devil in me starts thinking inventory. You've been to some weddings. You've been married a couple times. Three. couple times. Three.

Three times. So what is your pick in the All Fantasy Everything weddings draft? The fight over the centerpiece at the end of the wedding. Oh! You truly are a litigator. I love that. That's a great pick, man. You're a litigator. I love that.

That's a great pick, man. You're a litigator to your bones. Thank you very much for the drink. So there's a big floral piece, and there's a bunch of people going for it at the end of the wedding. Right, and the process by which they decide who's going to go home with it.

Right, right. They create this pecking order, you know what I mean? There's a hierarchy that happens where it's like, well, I... And it's different at go home with it. Right, right. They create this pecking order, you know what I mean? There's a hierarchy that happens where it's like, well, I... And it's different at different weddings. Yeah. At a... What, are you guys having a side conversation?

I'm on my knees with a Joker shirt on. Yeah, it is weird. Come share the thing. We told you to get on your knees. You're on your knees with a Joker shirt just getting ready to blow a hot topic How do you think I got this shirt Ivan's wearing a shirt from a lesbian biscuit restaurant

In Seattle Fighting over the centerpiece Aliza what's your centerpiece at your wedding? Flowers. Flowers? Who's it going to? I'm taking it. Jessica Blaylock.

Let's go to shape. Fighting over the centerpiece. That's a good pick. There is a hierarchy that develops where it's like, well, I actually went to college with a person, and they're like, well, I live nearby. And then I'm like, well, I would put it on an Ikea bookshelf next to some Entourage DVDs,

so I think I should take it. That's an excellent pick. I almost took just being at a wedding at the end of the wedding when the lights come on, and then you start to see all the machinations that go into it. That's just such a process. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. What else did you want to know? Are you proud of me? I am. All right. Fiancee's looking at him right up there, too. Say what?

That's your fiancee. Oh, my fiancee's right up there, yeah. Right there. Did you tell him I made salad for your future? I didn't tell him you made salad for lunch today because that's more of a family thing, but my dad made a really good salad for lunch today.

It was the good Italian tuna and some sardines and, like, some hot peppers. And then what did we do? We went for a long walk. Sean, come back over. All right. We got to keep moving because we have a hard out. But is there anything else you want to provide?

He made a great salad. I'm very happy for our family. I'm very happy for our family. I'm very happy for our family, too. I mean, I got a wedding next month for my daughter. My little sister's getting married next month. I had my other daughter married last month. I didn't get on this thing. Jessica Blalock got married last month, my other sister.

And then you and Dana are coming up. I'm getting married next September. Save the day. I love you, Dan. and Dana are coming up. I'm getting married next September. Save the day. I love you, Dan. Thank you for coming up. Give it up for Ivan Carmel. Yeah! Sean Jordan. Don't break your hip, Carmel.

I heard... Yes, yes, yes. The man's a tough fucking lesbian biscuit. I'll tell you that for free. Sean Jordan, time for your final pick. South Dakota wedding burger. All right. It's a food that you make in South Dakota

where you take a biscuit and you put mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, and whatever meats at the wedding and you make a little South Dakota wedding burger. Kind of a throwback to about a hundred episodes ago. I'm sorry. I can't. I couldn't have heard what I just thought I heard. I think it's a great pick

and I can't wait to eat one. Preach. David Boyd, your final pick. This one isn't real for me anymore, but underage drinking. Oh yeah. So fun getting drunk at a wedding when you're like 17 is the best. Very great.

Dude, it's like getting drunk off a bunch of a little bit of Chardonnay. Exactly. I mean, am I drunk? I finished eight G&Ts. Yeah. The bottom half. My mom was from Ireland, so I picked Irish people getting drunk and then emotional and then violent.

Once again. Is that for weddings or is that in general? That's what happened at a lot of the... They finally get it all out. It's great. Feels like that's also what happens at a lot of all their get-togethers. Are Irish people allowed to get married now? Oh, come on, that's the funniest thing.

Don't tell the general, but I'm Irish. You went back to the Prima Nocta. Wow. You can say whatever you want about the Irish. What are you wowing me for? No, I think the wow was for the pool. That was a pretty deep wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not offended. Come on. Okay, good. I don't have them. It's an island. It's all kind of incestual. I love the Irish, man. We do, okay.

I just thought I loved you guys. That's my pick, yeah. I think you're wonderful. I think that's a great pick. I like a show. A development of emotion. The wedding is nice, but a little drama is fun, too. You want to see a dust-up.

Yeah, I do. You all right? Don't worry about what I'm doing. I'm just checking on... Fun pic. To recap, Shane, you went first. You took running into people

you've had sex with. Now, that was the first pic overall in the wedding's draft. Before food ended. Shane, you went first. You took running into people you've had sex with. Now, that was the first pick overall in the wedding's draft. Before food. Well, you can always say things to them like, could have been us up there. With your second pick,

you took seeing a woman and being like, who's that? I'm going to go call her ma'am a bunch and then try to finger her. You did say that, Shane. And then you took a bunch of people in a non-sexual way talking about how beautiful the bride is.

Very nice, very sweet. And then you took the private groom speech or whatever it could be, the bride and the attendance having a lovely talk behind the scenes. Just a very intimate, beautiful talk. And then with your fifth pick, you took Irish people getting married. And the attendance, having a lovely talk behind the scenes. Just a very intimate, beautiful talk. And then with your fifth pick, you took Irish people getting drunk. And then emotive and then violent.

Yeah. David Borey, you went second. You took sexy dancing with someone outside of your age group. Going up, not down. Smoking weed with people who don't usually smoke weed. Bad speeches. Watching a farm-to-table hookup. You won.

You won. You won. And then underage drinking. Sean Jordan! You went 30 to crying. The dance floor. Hearing stories that you're not supposed to hear about someone. Usually the groom or the bride. True story. All day sunglasses. And then the South Dakota wedding burger.

I went last, and with my father's help, I took the open bar, seeing the groom see the bride for the first time. The father-daughter... The father-daughter... I know what I'm doing. Father-daughter. Mother-son dance.

Seeing different cultures represented at a wedding. Fighting over the centerpiece. That's my final pick. Now, I have to bring up a special guest for the final pick of the draft. I'm bringing up St. Sue Carmel. Give it up for St. Sue Carmel. Sean, you can stay on one

of the mics, Bubba. Where are you going? What's the matter? Nothing, no. Have I scared you away? My God, you did the opposite. You're the best. We'll share this one like a doo-wop group.

Let's get on it. What's become of the broken hearted? I'm just settling in. I'm just going to settle right in here. Mama, you've been to a few weddings. I did. You've had a couple weddings. Well, first of all, I like David's pick.

Yeah, which one? And I plan on dancing with you. Oh, 100%. Right? Ann's got a new step, Dad. Ann's got a new step. Yeah, yeah. This is the best day of my whole life. Got a new step. Dad. Okay. Ian's got a new step. Yeah. Yeah.

This is the best day of my whole life. I love it. And Shane, you will be there. Because I'm coming for you next. Oh, gee. I can't wait. So I was going to take taking the centerpiece, but my ex-husband chose that. So I can't pick that. So I think I'm going to pick planning my weddings, which has

been a lot of fun because it's been a lot of fun weddings. Yeah. Oh yeah. Right? Planning the wedding. Planning my weddings. Maybe planning my grooms. I don't know. But it's been

a lot of fun having weddings. And now I have to... You've had a lot of them. I've had a few. And now I live vicariously through my children having weddings. All the weddings. All the weddings. We've got her wedding in July.

We've got Rob is 11 years. Now we have Aliza and Tyler. And we have Ian and Dana. I don't ever have to get married again. we have Ian and Dana. I don't ever have to get married again. But David, I'm coming for you in September. I'm ready for it.

I'm ready for it. I like that you said it like a cage fight. I'm coming for you. Oh, and then you're right behind. You're right behind him. Oh, man, wait. Shane's going to marry that girl who just walked in. You know, maybe somebody will look at me that way. I could be the other person.

Yeah. Keep it going for St. Supermel. And we have one final guest pick we have to make. We could never make this podcast without her. Woo! The only... The only actual... Like, the only real necessary member

of the All Fantasy Everything gang. I could be gone, Sean could be gone, David could be gone. We couldn't do a thing with that super producer, Mars. I love you all, thank you. Love you. Mars, what is your pick in the wedding script? My pick is just being able to get dressed up all fancy

with all my friends and seeing all my friends dressed all fancy. Antetamine. Do you consider weddings a cosplay opportunity or is that not... It's cosplaying to be fancy. I'm cosplaying a fancy person. Perfect. All fancy everything.

Thank you, Marissa. Those are our picks. We want to hear from you. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. Allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything subreddit. Shout out to everybody on the AllFamiliesHeAverything subreddit. Shout out to everybody on the AFB Shaslackity. Shout out to everyone on the AFB Patreon.

Thank you so much for holding us down from the bottom of our hearts. Shout out to Freaky Ocean. Shout out to Synthidude. Shout out to Hodgie Beats. Shout out to Super Producer Mars. Shout out to St. Sucorville. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Chicago! Hey guys, it's Shane. It's not another boring dog shit ad read from Sean.

Look, you can come see me shane tors at mississippi studios in portland december 4th thanks for plugging this in marissa that was a hate gum podcast