All Fantasy Everything - What To Do In a ‘Brewster’s Millions’ Situation (w/ Josh Gondelman, Jesse David Fox, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

If you haven't seen the movie, it'll make sense once you start listening.Episode Guests:Josh Gondelman (X: @joshgondelman, IG: @joshgondelman)Jesse David Fox (X: @jessedavidfox, IG: @jessedavidfox)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head later in Portland. So come see it. Again, that's February 23rd at Comedy Slash Bar in Seattle. And come see us everywhere on the road. February 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, we're at the Desert Ridge Improv in Phoenix, Arizona. March 8th and 9th, Sean Jordan and I will be in New Orleans.

New Orleans New Orleans at Junk Drawer Coffee, come see your buds there, San Francisco March 13th through 16th, I will be at the Punchline, and then March 23rd, we just added a second show the first one sold out so now there's going to be a late

show to come see me record my special, or at least it's special to me. We'll see how special it turns out, at Revolution Hall. That's in Portland, Oregon. Grab tickets to that. I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you to everyone who bought tickets to the first show. I greatly appreciate you for that. And we're working on putting together a little AFE tour for sometime this summer. Stay tuned to that. All right. Talk to you later. See you on the road.

Bye. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting what we would do in a Brewster's Million situation,

which if you're too young to understand that reference, stay tuned. A bunch of old people will describe it to you shortly. Our guest today is the writer, the author, the podcaster, Jesse David Fox, host of the Good Ones podcast and author of the wonderful book, comedy book, How Comedy Conquered Culture. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me today, additionally, we have another guest. Boy, I am really doing a great job in this intro.

All fantasy, everything, favorite, stand-up comedian, public radio, empresario, I don't even know if I'm using that word right, author himself, television writer, just an absolute, just the absolute lad himself, Josh Gondelman. And Sean Jordan's here too. Let's get into it. it's time for all fantasy everything the podcast that uh kate was the preakness short of the triple crown this year this is too close to freak nick i've always thought that it sounds too close to freak you guys remember freaknik sued yeah freaknik sued yeah as they should it was not to not to dredge that up but every time i hear freakness i'm like freakness freaknik is back and as a regular attendee of freaknik then that's upsetting for you there was a pretty big window where i had

aspirations of going obviously i never did but when you know when i was like 15 i was like man that's that's me freak nick i think we gotta combine them and we have the freakness which is just kind of a wild horse party without a bunch of horses doing drugs keep everybody safe of course but yeah let those horses let those horses get messed up man for the hhcus the historically horse college universities yeah this is not how we should start this podcast no no sean yeah sorry place the blame on you what we should talk about instead is how justify an american pharaoh both won the Triple Crown in the last seven years.

Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Those are the horses' names? Yeah, that's right. Didn't we do an ep where we made up horse names? Yeah, we did. I think we did. Harder than I thought

it was going to be. Yeah, we drafted imaginary horse racing names for our horses. Jesse, Josh, you got one off top? What do you think? Oh, man. This is a good...

American pharaoh is so regal. But I also... I feel like every great horse name is one step short of an improv group name. Absolutely. They're all puns. Well, not all, but a lot of puns and stuff, right?

Yeah. It's like, you know, like on the quote from famous Nazi sympathizer Coco Chanel, who said, when you're about to leave the house, you take one thing off. And that's how you name a horse. You start with an improv group name and you take one thing off. Did she do anything after she was done Nazi sympathizing? Did she get up to anything else after that? She had that quote.

She had at least five perfumes. One perfume for each mambo. Holy cow. A perfume for each mambo. Jesse, feel free to talk right now. I know. I'm laughing. In fact, I'm...

I was planning on it but Josh was on a roll with that Coco Chanel stuff nah nah nah I was just stalling because I didn't have a good horse name do you have a good horse name Jesse? I was too busy laughing at that Coco Chanel stuff they can be long too right like Papa's brand new backpack

or something they can be like real long names brand new backpack I got a dope backpack. I say we take American Pharaoh and we go the other way and it's a horse named Anwar Sadat.

I thought you were going to say like Egyptian congressman. That would be that's got a ring. Yeah. The Egyptian congressman. That's got a ring to it. The Egyptian congressman. Yeah. got a ring to it. The Egyptian congressman.

Yeah. It also sounds like a professional wrestler from like the 70s. I would love, you know, I feel like no one's gone fully this way. Ian, you were like, right. I'm thinking on the same lines as you, where it should be like Tom Francis, comma, loving father of three. There we go. Francis, comma, loving father of three. There we go.

The number one rated periodontist in the tri-state area. Yeah, exactly. Chris Henderson, DDS. Self-made. Didn't graduate. Didn't graduate high school. Self-made. Self-made dentist. Oh, so you can found Microsoft without graduating college,

but you can be a dentist? What's wrong with this country? The elites. What about the vague idea of a person? This is my horse, a tall, beautiful Protestant attending an Eastern boarding school, learning about the limitations of his father's love. It's beautiful.

Yeah. The horse overs. It's the horse overs. What about, I mean, this is like the bittiest one, but like actually a dog. It's actually a dog by a nose. You get a really big big dog You can do it

That's not what we're here for Buy a horse Buy a fucking horse It's a good way to get rid of I mean you might The horse might meet a demise It is a material good Buy a loose

A weak ankled horse I mean you can buy a horse material good. Buy a loose, a weak-ankled horse. Yeah, I mean, you can buy a horse, you just can't have it at the end of the month. We, you can't have horse burgers, though. That is part of it. We have a very like, cursed horse racing track out here in L.A.

Where, like, 20 horses die a year. Is it where they shot that show Luck? Yeah, it's where they shot the show Luck, but it just kept, it continued to happen. During Luck, right? Multiple horses.

That was a big, that's why there isn't a Luck season, whatever. And that's why you don't see Dustin Hoffman in movies anymore either. Big horses keeping him out. He got canceled. He got canceled by Big Horse.

We got some Big Horses here today. How about that? The man, the man. How about that? Jesse David Fox is here. Big Horse. Big Horse himself. Add Jesse David Fox on Twitter.

Yes. Add Jesse David Fox on Instagram as well. Yes. Who knows how much longer on Twitter, but yes, on Instagram, host and creator of the good one podcast where our very own enemy, Shane Torres has appeared, I believe,

right? Yes. He talked about the guy Fieri joke. Of course. One of the great jokes. One of the great jokes. One of the great jokes. One of the great jokes.

And you have a book out right now uh called comedy book comedy book how comedy conquered culture and the magic that makes it work uh would you like to can you would you want to talk about that book a little bit i think that is right up the alley for our for our listeners here good it's a book about the last 40 or so years of comedy. It's a scent as a cultural force and how it functions as an art form, why it is an art form. It talks about a lot of different themes

in terms of how comedy interacts with society. So, like, there's a chapter on timing, but it's not, like, comedic timing, as you think. It's more about comedy's timing when there's a national tragedy or something like that. Or other examples that aren't so sad seeming. It's really good. The book is great.

Yeah, it's good. You know, and we talk about comedians you like and how they're funny or some comedians you don't like and why they exist and are popular. how they're funny or some comedians you don't like and why they exist and are popular. How much of the book is dedicated to the sketch musical shares that we did on the Late Late Show when I was on there, where a bunch of people dressed up like Cher played musical chairs? Is it like a chapter, two chapters? Yeah, about two chapters, about one and a half chapters. I start at the end of one and then carry it on to the last chapter. That's the national tragedy

that the other comedies were smiling to. Kate McKinnon dressed up as Cher and sang Hallelujah afterwards. Which is in the book. It is in the book. I read the book. Thank you, Josh. It's on the pile next to my bed.

I told Jesse this myself. I set an impossible 25 book goal for myself for the year so i am i got to december with like five books left to read whoa so i have been banging out novellas left i read i read the old man in the sea because i was like this will take a night it was great it. Are these all first-time books? These are all first-time books, yeah. And I'm hoping to get there, and then my first book in January will be a comedy book.

I'm very excited. I heard it's a quick read from people who have read it. Okay, good. It was a long write. Long write quick. If it took the same amount of time to read as it did to write, it would probably not be a very good book. Horrifying how long it takes to write a book.

Absolutely horrifying. Too long. Too long. We gotta cut that down. We gotta cut that down. It's rough. We gotta figure it out. Make shorter books. Then it's two birds, one stone. One, shorter to write. Easier for people like Ian Carmel who are trying to knock out 25 books in a year. That's that's right it benefits everyone yeah uh well keeps people buying books faster yeah so the publishers are gonna love it as well wheels turning so uh and then good one

you just you talk to comedians about their bits you talk to sometimes other writers about comedians bits bits. Another fantastic podcast. It's the only other podcast. Josh has been on it. I have been on it. It was great. We had a great talk, I think. And I'm a regular listener as well. But I'm, you know, not

just the president, also a client. Et cetera, et cetera. Speaking of dated references that young people won't get. And then people can also just read your writing over at Vulture in general. Yes, please do. You know, I wrote all those words for somebody to

read. Might as well be you, dear listener. Get out there. Get some reading done. Don't be like me. Go read. Better yourself. When you got scared straight don't be like me stop not reading like me

be better Sean's not much of a booksman I want to be man when we were in Canada we went to that bookstore all I want to do is buy some books but I'm like man I ain't gonna read them

have you tried audiobooks? yeah I was forced into an audiobook situation because my wife wanted me to read a chapter of a book. A chapter of a book. And I was gone for three weeks. I was on my layover

on the way home. And I was in the airport and I finally bought the book on tape and listened to the one chapter. What book? How to Talk to Toddler-ish. It's not one of the books books but it's something like that he has a kid it wasn't just like just in case this ever comes up

she's like this is what it's like talking to you your wife is like you're fucking blowing it at parties dude yes learn the name of like six trains read books, uh, specifically,

uh, Jesse David Fox's book. Yeah. Josh Gondelman is here as well. Hello. Thank you for having me. Always a pleasure to return. We are so happy to have you,

uh, Josh Gondelman on Twitter, Josh Gondelman on Instagram as well. Oh yeah. Josh Gondelman across. Are you on Tik TOK? I'm on Tik TOK. Josh Gondelman's on Tik TOK. I don't look, I don't look at it, but I do occasionally post things to it.

I do the same thing. And apparently we're supposed to look at it for the algorithm. Looking at it. I hate it. And I, I, I like look like I, I liked Twitter and it's heyday. I'm still compulsively on it. I like Instagram. All the things that people talk about. Not all the things, but the things that eight years ago, people were like, so you're just posting things you ate and pictures of your dogs and kids. Yeah, the things we've taken pictures of forever. Forever!

People would complain like, I don't want to see a picture of your breakfast. I do. Absolutely, I do. Instagram's fun. It's still the fun one. It's like real low stakes all I want to see if you're having low stakes for breakfast I want to see a picture of oh you went to Garth Brooks' brunch spot

and brought steaks to low places I sure did oh man if Garth was playing during breakfast there you go he's still on Spotify in your Garth nooks I'm not reading any Garth nook. In your Garth nooks. I'm not reading any Garth books, I'll tell you that.

Complimenting your Garth cook? Oh, he is on Spotify now. All right, well, this podcast is over. Spotify's where everybody's at, man. No free ads. Yeah, no, you're right. Josh, where can, what would you like to borrow

other than the GoFundMe for the stroke I'm currently having? This will come out. Zeke, when is this one coming out? That's a good question. I think January 25th. 25th 25th yeah that seems about right that seems about right where can people see uh you doing stand-up comedy or what else would you like to promote i have a newsletter called that's marvelous that i write every monday it's free

it's full of pep talks it also has like all the updates of stuff i'm doing so i think that's like even better than my website because it nudges you every Monday. You're like, hey, I'm coming here. So you don't have to look. But if you want to look for my tour dates, joshgondelman.com slash schedule the newsletter, joshgondelman.substack.com. And then I'm going to Batavia, Illinois, the 18th through the 20th of January. Batavia. Yeah.

Beverly, Massachusetts. Off Cabot the following week, January 26th, 27th. Laugh Camp in St. Paul, March 1st and 2nd. And I think those are the dates that are currently available. And in New York, I'll say this now. I'm going to be recording a new hour of stand-up in June, I think. Oh, phenomenal. Fantastic.

Thank you. Do the whole thing for us right now. Yeah. What's it going to be about? What's the thesis? What's the thesis? Okay, you're trying to turn me into a book. I read.

Give me a little synopsis about what your hour is going to be. I've been talking all day. Ian, I think you and I are like really eye to eye on what we've been feeling lately about the, just like kind of, I feel like settling into being one of the younger old guys. Yes. After the pandemic, like after the deepest part of the pandemic. Because I felt like before it i was like i'm kind of one of the young guys still i'm hanging on by a thread and i'm like oh definitively not

one of the young guys um but not like successful and established enough to be one of the true old guys no it was like one of those like grade school paper cutters coming down you know what i mean i was just like the generation's like, wonk, like that. Like, you're old, but not, yeah, but wonk,

but not a successful. Totally. I feel like that. I feel that so hard. Do they still have those paper cutters? I was just going to ask. Those things were, those would take a finger off like a hot knife through butter,

my friend. Those, I mean, they were crazy. Also, they would always break them off in movies and that would be the machete they'd kill whatever villain with,

you know, in like a horror movie. But it still had the guard. Even if you broke it off, it still had the guard on it, didn't it? I don't remember there being a guard ever. It was just a blade. I'm serious. It was just a blade that was in the air all the time. Yeah, they kept it up.

Kept it up. Like a menacing guillotine. Like ready to go. Just in case you're running and your hand swipes, it will be up so you can cut yourself. That was the best we did

for cutting paper into like the 90s. Yeah. You remember what it sounded like too? Just like... Oh yeah. It was that sound. I don't know how to get that sound again.

That should have been behind a door. Yeah. You should have to keep it in a safe like a gun Yeah They would smoke behind doors in their teacher's lounge But they kept that thing out in the open in front of all the kids Like Put it in the lounge We didn't need it we shouldn't have been using it It probably says it

Or like pre maybe like It's pre cut length stuff stuff. Well, probably now they just don't have it because they can't afford it is what's going on. Yeah, that's true. They probably don't print out anything. They probably just all schools on the computer. It doesn't even sound like

school. They email their teachers and the teacher's like, here's your grade. No paper necessary. That's what I wondered. There's no way to like, I used to doctor my report card. I used to not give my report card. I used to be like, yeah, my homework's done. And my mom would be like, okay. But now they can just teach your emails

to your parents. There's an app. You have to learn how to become a hacker to do that now. You got to learn more. Sure. That's how they get you. Street smarts. My grades are on the dark web this week, mom. Silk Road says I got all A's. Ammo. Ass.

Amphetamines. Arsenic. Yeah. Azerbaijani deep state funding. All the A's. I'm here. Sean's here. Wait, Sean, we haven't done you yet. Sean has done it on Twitter. Sean Cougarmel Jordan

on Instagram. Shonda Rode here pretty soon. You can see him performing live. Shonda Microphone. Phoenix, we will be there February 1st through the 4th. It's going to be awesome. I'm very excited. Doing a live AFE that Friday night. Hopefully David will be back from Bolivia by then

I imagine by the time this comes out you'll know that we're going to be in Boise doing a live AFE March 21st at the Egyptian Theater and also I have a special coming out sometime early next year go to my YouTube page subscribe Sean Jordan Comedy at YouTube

let's do it takes you 10 seconds means the world to me. It'll help. And if you don't do it, you're still great, and you deserve to be loved. I appreciate you. Don't do it. Don't enable this, man.

Watch it either way. You don't have to just watch it. It's good. I put a lot of effort into it. I'm almost afraid to speak this into existence, but when you were saying Sean the Road, it made me think, have you ever done, and I hesitate again because I think it will be too powerful a thought if you haven't done it already,

a hip-hop side project called Shonda Rhimes. You know, I'm a big Grey's Anatomy fan. So much so that I watched the sister show, Station 19, about firefighters, which is pretty bad. So I could see myself doing that. Josh, are you

aware of Sean Jordan's rap song that he recorded? Jesse, you probably aren't, but Sean has a... Hey, Ian, why would you say that? Jesse, I'm sure you were aware of it. I'm sorry. That's what I meant to say. I don't know how much Jesse likes rap. It doesn't matter. It's everywhere. That's the difference. It's how much I like

rap. How plugged in to the Portland independent hip-hop scene you are? Well, it's called Gear Crisis and if I saw a 5,000 listen uptick after this came out, I wouldn't be upset about it. It's about how you can't wear Nike and Adidas at the same time. So far, I think a gentleman's 8,000 people have heard the song. Okay. Let's get those numbers up.

7,427. Yeah. Wow. I think we can break 8,000 this episode. I can't see a reason why not i had a theory the other night that with with like the right team assembled within a year you could create the third greatest hanukkah song of all time i could specifically you're talking about me i mean you definitely could for sure you're be part of the team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can be part of the team. Get in here. It's Notions 11.

Yeah. Okay, so what are your so, I mean, the Hanukkah, the Adam Sandler one. Yep. And then Hanukkah, Hanukkah? Or I have a little dreidel. Okay, so I think you could knock off Hanukkah, Hanukkah, because I go Hanukkah song and the dreidel one, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, one, two.

And then I think Hanukkah, Hanukkah, that's like a distant third like i think there's daylight light the menorah no no no no most people don't know the lyrics after that yeah yeah winter feast of lights yeah yeah so i was thinking i was like we have 11 months i think we can make this happen are there any jews and showbiz who could help grease the wheels on this stuff it would be... It would be... I think you're 100% right. And I'm astounded

that nobody has tried to put this together yet. It is a depressing selection when you go to try to find Hanukkah music. It's bad. And people are always like... Artists are always gunning

for new Christmas songs, right? Like every artist will put out a Christmas album while they're do their original. Cause they're trying to do, they're trying to have their, all I want for Christmas is you. Yeah.

Yeah. We just talked about this. We did a, like a draft auction draft about Christmas, Christmas songs. We, one of the categories was songs in the last 10 years. Is that right?

Uh, yes, that's right. Harder than you think. There's not a lot of maybe two bangers in the last 10 years. But they're trying. I mean, they're really. They're trying.

They're putting up shots. Every year. Every year. And weird people are putting up shots too. It'll just be like a Broadway who hasn't even had a lead will be like putting up shots on the Christmas song market.

And it'll be like, all the other people will be like, I'm Christmas daddy. And you're like, what the hell is this? Well, if you get on a Spotify playlist, you won't even have any control over it. You'll be a huge star.

That's right. Yeah. You're not trying to appeal to people. You're trying to appeal to algorithms. And the Christmas algorithm is very strong. They actually run a lot of Hollywood, the Christmas algorithm. It is the Christmas algorithm. Yeah. The Christmas algorithm and the Hanukkah consortium. Those are the two.

I just bought two new horses and those are their names. Christmas album and Hanukkah consortium. Have you guys seen Brent Weinbach's bit about Christmas music and Hanukkah music? I don't think so. God, Brent's so funny. It is.

One of the funniest things that's, I don't, to try to describe it will ruin it but you should seek it out i don't know if he's posted it anywhere but it's so funny okay he did it on the piano at mocha cashew's hanukkah party the other day like it was a holiday party in the 50s, but did his bit. It was amazing. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, all those places, across platform. First and foremost, pre-order

my book. While you're on that book website, buying Jesse David Fox's book, which I insist you do, I insist you do, go ahead and pre-order T-Shirt Swim Club, a book of comedic essays about being fat, where my little sister,

a psychologist, responds to every chapter. Pick that up. Pre-orders, as we all know, are massively important because they tell the publisher how much advertising they should do, I think. Something like that. This is what my wife has told me. Come see me. I'll take her word like that. This is what my wife has told me. Come see me.

I'll take her word for it. That's what she says. Her books seem very popular, right? So it seems like she probably knows. She also says you have to have a TikTok presence, which is one of the most chilling things I've ever heard in my entire life. Did you get pressure?

Successful people. Do you have a TikTok, Jesse? I i have uh i do there's only one video of it which is anthony jeselnik saying everything i write in my book is correct and that'll that's right i i lead up to the book i thought you know what i'll do is i will go to stand-up clips on tiktok and then like like duet it and critique it or something. Oh, yeah. And I said, best case scenario,

that works. And now my entire life is being that person. And I'd rather be a failure than a successful TikTok comedy critic. You don't want to be Chef Reacts for comedy.

So many people build themselves those kind of like content prisons. And I truly, I like hate to say content, but I truly mean it in this case where it's like, I don't know. I just do some fucking thing. And then people are, it's like the Bart Simpson, like say the thing. Yeah. Like one of the dudes with the most followers on like Instagram. I only know this because the NBA posted him courtside at a Lakers game.

Is the dude where a clip will play and he just goes like that to it and he was sitting courtside at a Lakers game but I'm like what? They had the camera on him and he was sitting there for like 15 seconds and he was finally like

sigh If he didn't do it they were going to whisk him up to the bad seat. So fast. Immediately. They had Billy Crystal waiting for his seat. They were just going to shuffle him in. Touching the wall at the top.

Yeah. Get out of here. No, uh, no chicken fingers for you, my friend. Uh, I'm doing live standup comedy.

Thank you to everyone who came out to New York, Philadelphia and Boston, by the way, uh, where they saw Josh and I in New York. Oh, yeah. And, boy, we really, we really took on January 6th.

We had the definitive take, I think. I'll be right down the street. I'll wave to you guys. He's going to the Capitol again. It was January 4th. We felt January 6th coming up, and we said,

no, not again. Not again. Not on our watch. Not on our watch. Not on our watch. There was not a shred of comedy in it, so we appreciate your patience sitting through all that. I will be in Phoenix, Arizona with Sean and David February 1st through the 3rd.

I will be at Zany's Comedy Club in Chicago February 18th. And then I will be, where else? Oh, at New Orleans. I'll be in New Orleans at Sports Strength March 8th and 9th, which should be really fun. They're trying to do comedy.

Josh, you should go do this place. I've been trying to do it. I haven't worked out the dates yet, but spring sounds like a great time to go to New Orleans. Absolutely. March 13th through the 16th, I will be at the Punchline in San Francisco and then we'll be in Boise on the 22nd

and then the 23rd of March I will be in Portland, Oregon recording my hour and like my to what extent is it special? It's special to me. Does it get on your nerves saying special? It got on my nerves really quick and I'm trying to find a way to not say it

anymore. So I keep saying like my recording will come out. I cannot stand saying special. It's just such a weird thing because what it used to mean was that like, Hey, all of us are like HBO has like tapped you on the shoulder or, you know, like I guess to the latter extent,

Netflix or whatever. And now it's just like, I'm recording this hour. Maybe somebody will buy it and if not i'm going to put it on youtube and then chop it up into a bunch of little pieces that doesn't feel special it feels like a bad like i've had a lot of friends say like oh who's where's it gonna be i'm like what's somebody on youtube but i put a lot of effort into it and i haven't shopped it around yet who knows fingers crossed but it's like it's still a really, it's the same thing. It's just, you can watch it free on YouTube.

To me, I feel like if it's like Ian said, it's special to you. If it's special to you, then it's a special. If it's just like, I don't know, got to put these jokes somewhere. Then it's just like, I don't know, fucking click on it. It's a big deal. Like you do something and it's there forever. No one could take it. Like, that's how I look at it. Like you do it, you put all this effort know, fucking click on it. It's a big deal. Like you do something and it's there forever. No one could take it. Like, that's how I look at it.

Like you do it, you put all this effort into it, you produce it and nobody can take it. It's there. It's like so much work, by the way, to come up with an hour. Sorry, I cut you off, but I just, it's been on my mind. Keep going. Sorry. What is this? Traffic?

You're a bad driver, dude. I'm not a bad. You're a bad driver. I'm not a bad fucking driver sean thinks he is the sorry to rehash this over what is it top top one percent of unpaid drivers on the planet and i am i am i am that's what you're calling your special right it's top one percent of unpaid drivers on the planet god if it wasn't so long in a heartbeat I would do that if there was a way but you gotta name a horse that then

I don't even talk about driving if there was a way for regular people to give Sean five stars for being in his car they would no they wouldn't because I'm also an aggressive driver but I am so I like an aggressive driver

you have to be. Go at the same speed as everybody else. Make those hustle plays. Yes, absolutely. Got to be Marcus Smart out there. Get some fucking rug burn. You know what's more dangerous than going through a yellow light? Slamming on your brakes at the yellow light when the person behind you assumes you're going to go through it just like everybody else on the planet.

You know what? I'm leaving. I'm done. Let's get out of here. Pull the plug. Gran Torino. I'll be filming my special to me on March 23rd. Let's start calling him this.

I'm calling him that. It's my special to me on March 23rd at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. I'm hoping to add a second show. There are tickets, still a few tickets available for the first one, though, so snack those. I'll be there if it sweetens the pot. I'm going to host the shit out of that thing. Sean Jordan's going to be there.

If you hate my comedy, but you'd like to see 10 minutes of Sean's, make sure you come. But if you're willing to sit through an hour of mine to get there, come to Revolution Hall on March 15th. Walk out aggressively after Sean's. I've had it! I've had it with you, Carmel!

The night can't get better than this. And then I'll be at the Oregon coast, not doing standup, but just on the 24th, 25th, you can find me on the Oregon coast. You know, saltwater taffy. Chilling. Congratulating my mother on her retirement.

Are you, have you read any of Patrick Dewitt's books? No. Ooh, okay. You would crush these. He's, I believe, based in Portland, but he wrote The Sisters Brothers, which there's books? No. Ooh, okay. You would crush these. He's, I believe, based in Portland, but he wrote

The Sisters Brothers, which there's a movie based on now, but the book rules. Oh! Yeah. And he wrote his new book, which I believe is called

The Librarianist, has, there's like a long passage that takes place on the Oregon coast. I will be bringing The Librarianist

to the Oregon coast and reading it. Oh, yeah, you gotta do it for sure the sisters brothers is like end to end burner yes you heard it i'm sorry i missed it sean you just said you gotta do it oh ian shake your head all you want gotta do it shake your head all you want he said you gotta do it do it you gotta do it i didn't say like a five-year-old well there's no way to say you gotta say do it you gotta do it you I didn't say it like a five-year-old. Yeah, you did. There's no way to say it.

Well, there's no way to say it. You gotta say do it. You gotta do it. Oh, you can't say it like a grown-up is what you're saying? That's right. Do it. You're gonna hit me? Do it. And this is obviously a recommendation from my wife first.

She's the smart book one in our house. Your wife, I bought a book because she did the forward do it. Oh, yeah. Glaciers? Glac yeah. Glaciers? Glaciers. And it was phenomenal. Speaking of books that take place in the Pacific Northwest, I bought it because I saw Maris' name on it and was not let down.

I was let up. I was pulled up into a world of literary excellence. And by the way, Shits of Shade under 120 pages. Knock that out quick, baby. But we are not here to discuss how long or short the books recommended by Josh's wife, Maris. Uh-huh. We are here to fantasy draft things we would do in a Brewster's Million situation. For those of you who, this was, by the way, oftentimes we will send out a huge list of topics to people.

Jesse sent us a huge list of topics, many of which we will be stealing in the future with your permission. There were so many good ideas. I was, I was so gracious to be on. I was like, these are good. Also,

I'd like to listen to someone talk about this. So go for it. They were fire, dude. There. Thank you so much. I don't even want to, I don't want to spoil them.

Ian, you pick and choose what you're going to say. Uh, Bruce, I want to, I'm not going gonna name any of them but bruce there's millions was a movie uh from the 1980s from 1985 i think starring richard pryor john candy uh i'm now on the uh i'm now on the wikipedia that's why i'll also say hume cronin as though i were going to say that in the first place. The concept of the movie is a man is given the choice where he can

either inherit $1 million up front or inherit an entire estate, like a $300 million fortune by spending $30 million in 30 days. And the condition... It's $30 million? I thought it was $1 million

in 30 days. Is it $30 million in 30 days? Adjusted for inflation, it's about... I did the math. Did you guys... I don't want me to jump ahead. I saw on some Reddit pages... It's about $81 million in today's dollars. Perfect.

The conditions, he cannot own any assets when it's over. He can't destroy the money, so he can't just set it on fire. He can't gift it or give it to charity or tell anyone about the deal right which is pretty rad which is pretty great

I saw these fuckers so I was poking around on reddit last night which I never actually I don't do you're usually on 8chan right I'm usually on deep I just type in deep state deep state gnarly raider fight and then see in deep state deep state gnarly raider fight and then see what comes up deep state

gnarly football game fight but I was on this reddit page and they're like why didn't you just get a 30 million dollar foot rub because that's not a fucking movie it's crazy when people it's like you thought you were splitting the atom by saying that also that's kind of charity right there if you're paying somebody 30 million dollars

for a foot rub I think it was implied you had to pay people what their job was worth. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't just throw the script at a wall. I mean, they do cover a lot of the bases in this. It was one of the movies. My dad, two movies he made me watch one weekend. A Million to One and Brewster's Millions.

He made me sit down and watch those both in a day. He loved Millions movies. They're both pretty good though. And I was like, man, these are going to suck. And then I was like, they're both actually pretty legit movies. I don't know that I've heard of A Million to One before. Cheech inherits a million bucks. I think he's like a janitor for

a baseball team, if I'm remembering any of it. Paul Rodriguez? Paul Rodriguez, Jesus, sorry. God, what an asshole. Yes. Richard Pryor plays a baseball player. He's a minor league baseball player. Yeah. Look at this. My dad, he did know what he was doing. Sorry, dad.

He really put together this double feature with some thought and care. Yeah, he did. He didn't throw it together. He didn't throw it together because he found out he had me that afternoon. A minute before I got there. He curated a lineup. Thematically consistent movies. That's right. That's right.

With a tasteful after party with Canapes. This was harder than I thought. Yeah, it is. I mean, that's, I guess, the whole conceit of the movie in the first place, right? It's actually, it sounds easy and amazing, and then it becomes very difficult. Us four Richard Pryors will be drafting today, and the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you at our customary 40 minutes into the recording. And we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Wait, what's Jesse three got? What is Jesse? He could have thrown it. Oh!

Yeah! Scissors against two papers, a natural victory, which means, Jesse, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I need to tell you,

it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. John? It's like a Roomba in a very, very, very skinny hallway. So, if the Roomba starts on one side of this extremely almost Roomba-sized

hallway, and it goes down to the end, and it just kind of bobs around the end of this very, very skinny pert near Roomba sized hallway. And then it ends up turning around and coming back. And then it kind of bobs around

on this side for a little while, turns around and goes right back to the other side until the whole thing's clean. Probably a pretty quick job, but you get it. You've been on fire lately. Yeah, that's a great one. That's great.

I stress about them. I get diarrhea thinking about these, so I'm glad that one worked. Serpentine diarrhea? Oh, no. It's coming back. It's all rushing back into my butt like Hellraiser 3.

Basically, what it means is you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now Jesse with that in mind what will the order of today's draft be sure uh Josh will go first yes okay awesome I will go second absolutely Sean will go third yes and clean it up hot corner

in the cleanup spot all that poop dude all right that's enough diarrhea in the cleanup spot. All that poop, dude. All right. That's enough diarrhea. That's enough diarrhea. No, that's enough diarrhea. Unless you have a pick involving diarrhea,

that's enough diarrhea for the day. I'm witty. I'll think of one. All right. We're going to get to those picks right after this short break. This episode of

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And it's a desolate bleak. I'm trying to get away from yelling quite so much. No, I know. Easy on the voice, man. I'm with you. The only other podcast, of course, is Good One with Jesse David Fox. Josh doesn. The only other podcast, of course, is good one. With Jesse David Fox. Josh doesn't currently have a podcast, right?

I'm between podcasts right now. The saddest sentence anyone's ever spoken in English or any one group. You went through a breakup. You'll get back out there. Between podcasts. People would, the people would love a Josh Gondelman podcast. I'll say that. Yeah.

I miss having one i'm like i'm i'm i'm kind of i've got some podcasts germinating people people have said and i am inclined to agree that you are one of the absolute great podcast guests thank you that is truly every once in a while someone will say it and i appreciate it so much. And it feels, I, I said this recently to a friend of the pod, I think Dan Devine. That's right. And I said, I said it got into comedy thinking I was going to be the, they might be giants of standup comedy, but I am maybe transitioning and it would be an honor to become the millennial Paul F. Tompkins of podcasting. You are. And I, I, I think you are the comedy book,

How Comedy Conquered Culture, and the magic that makes it work of podcasts. I am? Or Jesse is? Yeah, you are. Thank you. It's a great book. You're a great guest.

Thank you. See that? Effortless. Effortless product integration. I think this is fun fun i love being on a podcast i think it's great i get sick of people being like well everybody's got a podcast fuck you go start one then no one's stopping you no one to have a podcast no one's stopping you get on it if you want to if you want to have a blast with your friends i recommend it

although on our patreon it is pretty it is pretty actively harmful uh a lot of them a lot of the views we espouse yeah it's like but it's like name three podcasts that actively make your life worse by their existence well there's maybe three total well well yeah i know i'm gonna start a fight video podcast called graphic content encouraged andouraged. And it's just... Voices of faces of death. Instead of a disclaimer up front, afterwards I say, was it that graphic? Instead of letting people know. Wow. If you had seen this, you would be driving.

This guy's nose flew off of his face. He got hit so hard in the stands, it flew off of his face. I had a weekend of stand-up in Austin recently that would perhaps argue with your podcast on actively hurting people. Oh, that's fair. Josh, it's time to put aside childish things like podcasts and instead, hear what you would draft. Put down the toys. In the Brewster's Millions draft. Okay.

So, I want to start off doing something that's good for society. And I think it's tough because in Brewster's Millions, you can really only donate 5%, right? 5% to charity, 5% for gambling. Those are the rules. And so, I want to do something big picture with my $30 million in today's money. And so, I'm going to put a big chunk of that cash to befriending a Supreme Court justice and then influencing them. Amy Coney Barrett,

you want me to close down Disney World for the day and we'll just go on the rides, you and me? Hell yeah, we're doing that, Ames. Now, pardon my ignorance. Are you going to befriend a Supreme Court judge that like sucks and then you're going to try to sway. Oh, yeah.

Great, great, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the good ones, I think, are pretty, you know, pretty. They're on your side. They're mostly on the right side of history. As I say it out loud, I was like, oh, yeah, what are you asking? But yes. I will say.

That's where the conservative billionaires go wrong. They groom the conservative judges to be more conservative. I'm calling Neil Gorsuch. I'm like, what do you want? You want to see some fucking blues rock band? Sure, I'll bring him to your birthday party, idiot. Exactly what he wants. Yeah, I'm going to spend so much money.

We're taking private jets. We're going to take a private jet down the street. We're going to rent one and have it just roll down the street. You want to golf with Aerosmith, Neil Gorsuch? You can golf with Aerosmith. They'll caddy for you. It's a pity because Elena Kagan does look like she'd love an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland. And she deserves it.

She does deserve it. But she can afford it. She can afford it. But yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm going full Harlan Crowe day one. That's my, I'm calling all the justices. I'm like, clear the decks. We're taking a cruise. We're

going to space. Whatever you want to do, baby. Wow. And then abortion's back. Who feels the most gullible? It's back on the table. All right. Sorry. That's disrespectful. That's flippant. You're thinking more of it. Oh, yeah's disrespectful. That's flippant. You're thinking more of an,

oh, yeah. That seems more authentic. Kavanaugh could be bought. And then the, oh, yeah, goes right into our show that we're pitching. Any of them. Kevin Entourage.

It's also funny, the idea that sweaty. Because you can't tell anyone, just out of nowhere, we would just see pictures of Josh hanging out with Brett Kavanaugh oh yeah and there's gonna be pictures it's gonna be all over the gram people are gonna be confused they're gonna be

fucking pissed that to me is kind of the juice also how mad people will be until you start seeing the way they vote and they're like wow Gondolin's really been rubbing off on them kind of the juice also how mad people will be until you start seeing the way they vote right they're like wow gondolin's really been rubbing off on that it would have you'd be like the dark knight rises like they're gonna hate you before they love you again like you know they're definitely you're gonna have to go through a dark period but you've got his ear

kavanaugh went through his own dark period you know we all have to go through it yeah and yours is hanging out with brett kavanaugh yeah yeah they could be bought of course they could be I bet you they could be bought so easily so easily any one of those I'll do eight here's what I'm gonna do I'm paying for stuff for everyone but Clarence Thomas and that way he gets

jealous and starts trying to court my attention yeah then he just starts voting your way to be like just what's wrong with me? So I notice. You got one for free. Yep. That's right. It's like a fucking subway club card.

Yeah. This country is going to go in the right direction. Everything is Dunkin' Donuts in this whole country after you get your hands on the whole Supreme Court. That's right.

We're getting rid of the Electoral College, dunking everywhere, enshrining, we're bringing back Roe v. Wade. This is going to be, this is number one. Because you don't, people don't do this until they're like a billionaire,

but you can just be like an 80 millionaire that's bad with money and you can get the same benefits for a while. I feel like if you gave Alito some like rhino meat, that might be enough to get up. Oh yeah, we're cooking up anything. Yeah, we're killing and eating a rhino. Rhino meat.

Wanna come to my rhino barbecue? Jesse, this topic was your idea and it's time for your first pick. So you need a place to stay that will, I think, take the lion's share of the money. In the movie, I think he buys out the plaza. So I want to rent

the last super yacht that Leonardo DiCaprio rented. What? Oh. This is real, huh? Yeah. So Leonardo DiCaprio all summer is on a super yacht. He does not own one. He will only... I assume he gets them for free

because he's so often shot by paparazzi that I assume they're like, oh, stay on it on a weekend. Good publicity for my super yacht. They're usually about $300,000 a week plus you're going to do carbon offset. And my thinking- Oh, that was low on my list

was just making it rain carbon offset. And the idea is i want specifically one of his because the crew needs a you know month of not having to hang out with leonardo dicaprio and his 20 year old girlfriends yeah i was like just a chill nice 30 days of me just hanging out in the movie theater not really going going outside. And then you get two helicopter pads on my super yacht. I'm going to sit in the movie theater on my yacht, probably not go

outside too much. And like the movie, I have a couple construction things. I'm going to alter the yacht. That's a foreshadow for future pics. These yachts need certain things for certain things that I need to be doing to spend alter the yacht. That's a foreshadow for future picks. Oh, okay.

These yachts need certain things for certain things that I need to be doing to spend this money. But, you know, because they have like 40 rooms for people to stay, but I don't know that many people. And I'm not partying on the yacht. Fine, we'll be there. So here's something. I get really nervous.

So if I'm home alone in a big house, I get scared still. Because of the wet bandits. Yeah, I get really scared. Yeah, because when they hold them up at the end and say they're going to cut his nuts off, which is a whole other thing. So like on a yacht, I don't think I'd get scared. Because it's in the middle of the water, I'd be like, no one's on here. So I think it'd be really fun to be in a big house and not be as scared at night and go to sleep.

I would have, I'd have a great time doing it. Also they have like 60 crew members. Yeah. They have more crew members than people can say there. Well, they have to sleep on the life raft when I'm, when it's my,

they're sleeping on the rafts in the water. Right. They have to send like crew members to shore during like at night. Right. There's like people who leave the water. They have to send like crew members to shore during like at night, right? There's like people who leave the boat. Yeah. Oh, really? Speaking of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm sorry.

I'm taking this in a different direction. I apologize. I was just going to say, I think you were prudent, Jesse, not to go straight submersible seeking out the Titanic. Well, most yachts have submarines. Okay. I didn't know that. I didn't know that either. The yacht that Bill Gates likes to use has a Nemo room that is 20,000 leagues under the

sea themed, has a glass bottom, and then next to it is a submarine that I guess you can use to look at the Titanic or whatever you so choose to look at. So like a Nemo room, you mean like you go down to the bottom of the ship and there's like a you're under the water and there's like a room that's like all see-through? Yeah. Damn, that's dope. Did you guys know that the 20,000 leagues referred to in the 20,000 leagues under the

sea is a distance traveled and not a... Oh, I thought it was depth. I learned it on this show. I learned it because I don't know why we talked about it, but I always thought it was down. Isn't that a letdown? No, it's just they're under the water and they're traveling 20 000 leagues in some direction right that's like finding out the song like i would walk 500 miles he's just going in a circle yeah i still don't know what haver means he says when i haver i don't know what that means i don't either i I'm going to be the one who's havering to you.

To talk foolishly or babble. Did you know that or did you just look it up? I just looked it up. Still pretty quick. You didn't say it very dictionary-ish. Is it one of those British words? It's Scottish. Okay. According to the Oxford English Library. I'll let it

run. They would know. They're right over there. There's also a company called Haver Analytics, which you don't the oxford england i'll let it run they would know yeah yeah right over there there's uh there's also a company called haver analytics which you don't want to you don't want to pick up that rock the uh a lot of these billionaires i i know a little bit about yachts from working uh just alongside so many celebrities in late night they they will just invite, they collect famous people. It's the one thing they can't buy. So a lot of these famous people you see on yachts, Jesse, like you were saying,

is just them saying, hey, come use my yacht for a week and then I'll be there for two days of it and then I get to hang out with you for like two of those days. Yeah. And it's great advertisement for their yacht because they almost, most rich people don't stay on their own

yachts right they're like renting and i went so for cordon this summer i like he was hired to the way you can hire like it's like billionaire cameo where you can hire famous people to come to your like wedding or event he got hired to do a wedding and it was in uh oh my god what is the it's the south somewhere in the south of france i forget the exact name of the city it's one of those like ports of call in south of france they should just say south france come on isn't that i know it's never the south the south of florida because the south of france makes you think it's south of France. Like it's in a different country, but it's not. Oh, the ocean? We were in south France.

There you go. And like having lunch like before this wedding popped off. And it was one of those places where everybody like parks their super yacht for the day. And while we were there, we learned that restoration hardware has a super yacht. I bet the interior of that yacht is so tasteful. It looks like a restoration

hardware. It's a lot of brass. It's like a dark, it's a dark yacht. They took, they reclaimed wood from different shipwrecks and re-yachtified it. It's been re-yachtified and you can rent the restoration hardware super yacht. Let me see if this is online anymore.

It doesn't say it anywhere online. So maybe you just have to be in the rob report. It's like an expensive restaurant. They don't tell you how much the food is. You just got to order it. Yeah, most yachts are marketplace. Most yachts are market price. Most yachts are market price. I try to look up. I spent like an hour

trying to find out how much any of these yachts cost to rent. And they're like, well, you can ask. I was like, if you got to ask, you ain't ready to rent.

Apparently, Steve Harvey spends his entire summer on one of these super yachts as well and rents. I bet. I bet he doesn't button a button all summer.

Shirts open. Shirts open. Undergarments left in Los Angeles. Just out there, skin and linen. Yeah, that's something Steve Harvey's never said. Oh, I forgot to pack underwear.

Yeah, like I was going to pack underwear. And then he winks at a camera. That's not bad. Staying at Leonardo's Superyacht. Excellent pick. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick. I'd buy up all the ad space for the Super Bowl. Damn it!

Oh, that's so good! And make it like old... So I had two things. I was either going to make every single commercial the Crossfire commercial. You remember that game, Crossfire? Crossfire! Crossfire! Or it would all be

movie trailers for movies that already came out that I like, like The Departed and The Town and stuff. That literally was my next pick. Was it really? It's so good. I didn't think about it until late. Thank you. I didn't think about it until late last night, but then I was like, oh, that that's probably more than that. mean yeah you can't do it yeah i could

probably can do it with 81 million bucks if we're talking 81 million a 30 second spot in the 2023 super bowl uh the high app was seven million dollars for the average yeah so i mean ah there's so you can buy enough i'd buy as much as I could. Buy 10 all in order. If I couldn't buy all of it, then I would buy as much as I could. And it would just be probably The Departed. The trailer for The Departed then.

The land before time. It would also be really funny if you threw in a couple that were like not famous movies, like movies that kind of came and went real quick. And people were like, I have a vague memory that this came out in 2007. Yeah. Sidekick starring Jonathan Brandis and Chuck Norris. Oh, yeah. Friends with Benefits.

Yeah. The Secret of Arrietty. Oh, I remember that. The Holiday. There's a lot of them man it's also beautiful that you decided not to use it to promote anything that you're doing nope just as a bit

as a nice I thought about one idea would be like to have was it Bud Light that got in all the trouble just have Bud Light commercials where it's just guys like very aggressively making out very very very like aggressively making out very very very like attacking

making out like I've man this is finally happening thank you're leading into that I think so yeah yeah and I don't really care what Bud Light has to say about it well the thing is the super if Sean's getting all the Super Bowl commercials to promote Sean Jordan

Enterprises then he's going to be making so much money he's going to have to keep bailing out the boat. That's right. So this allows you... See, I thought of that too. I think if you promote something down the line... Oh, okay. Then the money you make isn't in the month period. You got to make sure that it's like, my special's coming out in two months.

Don't pre-order it. You're really going to fuck me it's just a backdrop like it's a different color each time but it just says like sean jordan comedian at youtube and that's it and people but it doesn't say anything it's we were like why i'm gonna have to go see what's up with this and people are like this is gonna tell me about jesus for sure yeah i remember there was a radio station back in the day in Sioux Falls that they started this countdown and it was like four days long and so it was just like three days, 24 hours

eight minutes, nine seconds and we'd just keep counting down and we're like what the fuck so there was a while where we were just listening to that for days and then all it was was the launch of a new country station because it hooked like the whole city we're like what is this so that could be a good thing to do And then all it was, was the launch of a new country station. Because it hooked the whole city. We're like, what is this?

So that could be a good thing to do. Did you listen to the country station when it first came on the air? What was the first song they played? Do you remember? I remember it was 97.3 Cat Country. I don't remember the first song, but I remember the name of it. So it was probably Garth Brooks, I bet. What if it was Chattahoochee? It should have been, man.

That's a whole other thing. I feel like country music is... Remember when everybody used to shit on country so bad? Y'all remember back? People just used to be like, well, I like anything but country. And you're like, there's so much worse music than... There's so many

good country songs. Chattahoochee? It's better than most music out right now. Isaac, stop recording. No, I'm sorry. most music out right now. Isaac, stop recording. No, I'm sorry. Sean's getting him on. Super Bowl. I'd buy it all,

as much ad space as I could on the Super Bowl or all the ad space, whatever you'll let me have. I, well, you can't have all of it. Like, you just can't afford it. But you can, you can spend 70,

77 million. Fat chunk, bro. A fat chunk of the Super Bowl ads. You got to save some of the money for the rest of your picks. Yeah. You try to buy out the whole thing.

Steve Coinbase or whoever is going to come to your house and chop your head off with an axe made of numbers that glow. Uh-uh. You can't cut my head off because I bought an armor neck, dude. Is that your second pick? I bought an armor neck. But I have an armor cutting axe. Uh-uh. Well, I bought an armor neck But I have an armor cutting axe

Well I bought Your arms falling off dude Your arms are made of water bro so what are you going to cut it with But I have ghost arms that are Powered by the spirit of the arms of Of Achilles That live within me Alright well I bought disappearing bro

So like I'll just end up behind you Like Nightcrawler I have the gift of eternal site. Well, I'm going to do my pick. I, you win. I don't know that I have enough money for this.

I didn't, I didn't price this out. I didn't price this out. Yeah. But I want to lease the Pasadena Rose bowl and fill it up with water and stage a naval battle in it the way they used to in ancient Rome in the Colosseum. You have enough money because of course we want that to be on the board. I don't know that I feel like that would cost more than $81 million, but I think it would be really fun. You could take out a loan. Okay, I'll take out a loan. Take out a loan with

the, yeah, you got collateral. You you got 81 million bucks i'll charge tickets to it and whatever money i make which i think i will i will use to uh fund the rest of my picks now since david's in bolivia can he have his tiny little boats in there too and he'll just be remote controlling them his remote control boats i this is by all accounts something that they did in ancient rome a few times and i don't know why we've given up the habit of filling up arenas with water and having naval battles. That stopped sounding like a good idea. I don't know how they filled it up with.

Wasn't that. How did they stop the water from rivers all the time back? Oh, I don't know. Okay. All right. I like that. You're ready to answer though,

bro. They were diverting rivers all the time back then All the time back then So would a river just run through the Coliseum? Then wouldn't it be hard to Simulate a naval battle Because the water would be moving? Because of the current?

No, they would stop it at some point, right? Yeah, you just fill it up And I leave these questions to my Aquatic engineers War stops everything right yeah yeah you just you just fill it up and i leave these questions to my uh aquatic engineers yeah yeah war stops everything that's that's the other currents relationships family ties political allegiance and i want them to be i want them to be like frigates you know what i mean i want like naval like none of this name we're not like putting big metal boats in there this is this is a iron ships wooden ships iron men that's one of that era i like the word frigate a lot i'm not gonna i see we grow up we get full on fuck it's yeah fuck it's

clippers fuck it's in there fuck it's uh all the all those boats and i just want to i just want to see that play out and i think a nation of dads would thank me yeah they're going to see the master and commander bowl of course exactly the master and commander yeah that'd be a blast uh so that's my first pick i think that would be really fun to do and And then my second one, this is malignant for sure. But you know that billionaire who is like hacking his body to stay crazy young? Yeah. I would pay off. Have you not seen this?

I don't think so. You don't have to. There's this billionaire. Well, in case any of our listeners don't know about it, there's this billionaire who is like doing like blood spinning and has a crazy diet and a crazy vitamin routine. And he like, he's in his fifties, but he's like, he says his body is 30,

45. That's right. 45. Yeah. Yeah. He's 45, but he says his body is like 35 or what? Like he's taken.

He says 18. He said he has the penis of an 18 year old. Right. He's a dewy young penis. Isaac, our producer says, Brian Johnson is the man's name. Spends $2 million a year. That's actually just the name of his penis.

He couldn't afford to get like a better name. His name is going to be Brian Johnson. No offense to Brian Johnson's out there, but before you work on your bad dude. Statistically, there are people listening to this named Brian Johnson. I know, no offense to you. That's just not a billionaire name.

I bet they hate that guy. They must hate that guy. He's ruining their SEO. I think they will be on board when I pay off whoever his vitamin boy is. His vitamin boy. To start introducing harmful things like high sodium.

I just want to reverse the aging. reverse the reverse aging in his body through just a slow dosing of things into his diet, into his IVs, into his skin routine. I want him to have the penis of a 32-year-old by the time the month is over. One good thing about this, right? I think if you keep him really healthy, but just do stuff that makes him look old, that's hell for him, right? He's got the internal organs of like a newborn baby and the skin of a 97-year-old tree. He looks like Clint Eastwood. Exactly.

And he's going to live another 60 years. No. I just think it would be funny to do. I feel like fucking with other rich people is one of the best rich people hobbies that you can have. Because they're not used to it. They wouldn't know what to do. And this is mine. I'm taking on Brian Johnson.

I'm going to make him look old as hell. Or at least his age. Which, by the way, if you look at pictures of when he looked his age, he looked fine. Looked totally fine. He is the most fine looking person. The most fine looking person. Yeah. You would imagine when you imagine someone doing this, it's like, oh, my entire life.

But no, it's just like a fine looking person is like, I want to continue just being an average man, but now much younger. But there's so much cosmetic work, right? Like he's 45. You don't look at him and go, that guy's 27. You go, that guy looks 45 and weird. Like that's the problem. It's like so much of the cosmetic work just makes you look weird in a rich way, right? Where like, oh, so many, all those fillers, they don't look, you don't, oh, that's, you're not like, is that a baby that's starring in this movie? You're like, no, that's like, oh, so many, all those fillers. They don't look, you don't, oh, that's, you're not like, is that a baby that's starring in this movie? You're like, no, that's like an adult, weird looking person. It becomes a third thing.

It becomes a third thing. Neither young nor old, just different. He just looks like a television 45 year old. Yeah. Like what 45 year olds on television look like, which is like kind of 30, but in an old way. Yeah. Looks like shit for like like like looks like shit for 30 yeah shit for 30 and weird for 45 yeah he it's it's kind of a thing that's like most leading men in hollywood now have the same ish face it's the the male the

male hollywood eating disorder face where you know they're doing all the weird like the macros and all that stuff and they all have the same three or four little like procedures and they're all turning into the same person and thank God for Paul Giamatti. Every day I thank God for him. Every day thank God for Paul Giamatti who just looks his age in a beautiful way.

There's always a new reason to be happy that he's around. He's just such a rad dude. Billions to hold over his face. There's always a new reason to be happy that he's around. He's such a rad dude. Billions. The holdovers. His face. Billions. We just sit in the living room watching Billions and he'd just be like, low, Giamatti. He's low. Down on the floor, Giamatti.

It's the Giamatti scale where he gets... He's always low. He's always intense, but he starts out really low. And then every now and then he percolates up to the top and he comes back down to a simmer and you got simmer and Giamatti.

When he tells you what he's going to do to you, that's when it comes down to back down when he's like, you're never, you're never going to work again. The billions is where you coined

the term the threat of four, right, Sean? The threat of four. I can't remember. It's been so long, but it'd'd be like it was billions being like i'm gonna i'm gonna jump on you like david lee ron used to jump on the stage no one's gonna pay five thousand dollars tickets see that you're never gonna have a job again just you know weird threat metaphor i'm gonna play you the way billy gibson used to play at the les pa of 1965. And it's always like very dad core. Like it's always like blues metaphors and stuff like that.

Pretty good billionaire shit too. Like he honestly, he'd like, he'd always wear these whack billionaire, like an old vintage Van Halen shirt. Not knocking it, but he's a billionaire thinking like, this is how I'm going to stay.

This is how I'm going to keep my finger on the pulse. I'm going to jump on you. Like how Didi Ramon jumped on a pile of cocaine at CBGB's in 1986. Or like, I'll just all too long of a metaphor for anyone to have at the front of their head. Sean? Time for your second pick. I'm torn, man. Nothing's right.

I have a few. I am torn. I have a few that I don't. It's pretty specific towards the end. So we'll do this one. Do you remember those? Now that's what I call music. Oh, yeah. CDs.

Yeah. I want to put on a concert called. Now that's what I call a concert. I'm going to hire 15 bands to come play one song each and then pack up all their shit and get off the stage and another. So like, yeah, they have to pack up. I mean, yeah, it's got to pack up their own shit. None of got well they can use the same drum set to pack up their own shit none of that no roadies no yeah none of that like talking in between songs you come out

snow comes out and plays informer and then he leaves semi-sonic comes out and plays closing time and then they leave here's what they play early they play closing time second oh yeah first yeah here's what's gonna take the bulk of the money is Marky Mark is going to play Good Vibrations. That's going to cost a lot. How much do you think? Like, what's his price? I think he's old enough now to where I think he's calmed down a lot. He's realized, I'm not sticking up for Marky Mark.

I think it could happen now. I think he's aware that it's a good song. I think if you imply that the Good Vibrations are coming from the love of a Catholic God, he might do it for free. He's going to play that at five in the morning just before he starts working out. It's got to go up early. After his second breakfast.

I'm getting Mariah playing All I Want for Christmas. Garth Brooks is playing the Thunder Rolls. What? Yeah, Snoop and Dre are playing Dre Day. So then that's, I stopped kind of there because, you know the rest I might they might be a little lower it might be like fastball playing semi-sonic is blushing at being on this lineup that is amazing man yeah I hey man I'm who you talking to but I just I've always wanted that where nothing so this is where I don't want to if you're in a band and you make it on the radio

I'm not saying you just have one good song yeah I'm sure you have a bunch, but the one song that sticks out to me, like the term one hit wonder is kind of, you know, it's not fair to them, but that I've always wanted to be like, I went to this show to see the one song. Thank you for playing it. Go ahead and get off. Now start packing up your stuff. Pack up your own shit. I paid you $10 million to play that one song and pack up your own shit. Now pack up your microphone, Dr. Billionaire, Entrepreneur Dr. Dre. You and Snoop, get out of here in your own cars. Go back to the set of those Corona commercials or Skechers commercials or whatever it is you do with Martha Stewart that generates revenue.

Nike used to have an event called the run hit wonder up in portland which was like a 10k and like every few k there would be another one hit wonder band like playing there oh dude like playing a concert so you would like run you would hear it and that wow to be so and again no like no shade on on a if you made it you did it you did it but i'm just saying like you know the one song that like sticks out but there's a lot of people that would say like i remember specifically vh1 doing that show and they were interviewing this is not kind of how i was thinking about this they were interviewing the lead singer for semi-sonic and they were like they were like radiohead's a one-hit wonder with creep and he on his interview is like

radiohead's not a one-hit wonder at all that's And he, on his interview, he's like, Radio Head's not a one-hit wonder at all. That's crazy of you to say. They're like one of the best bands in the world. But, you know, the one song that people might know at the time was Creep. And so he was offended at that. The guy from Semisonic was offended on behalf of Radio Head? Yeah, but they have a couple... I think the story should be reversed. They have a few songs, too, like

Singing in My Sleep, Never You Mind. Semisonic's got some good songs. He also writes all of Adele's songs. Like, legitimately, the lead singer of Semisonic writes all of Adele's songs. Like legitimately, the lead singer of Semisonic is like Adele's main songwriter. He wrote, he was scorned by many lovers and not Adele is what I'm led to believe.

Oh, Dan Wilson. That's interesting. Damn, that had happened in closing time. Dan Wilson doesn't need your fucking charity, Sean. I'm not giving it to him. I'm saying, well, then he'll play it for free and then everybody else

he received Grammy nominations in 2023 on November 10th of this year of last year when the podcast comes out of last year of last year we must be doing the kayfabe now that's what I call a concert volume one

all right that's incredible Jesse time for your second pick so you know I went through this being like I need categories so it's like where I'm gonna live and then it's like personal chef right so I want 98 year old

Jiro Ono because every day we're buying a bluefin tuna from Tokyo yeah want 98 year old Jiro Ono the star of Jiro because every day we're buying a bluefin tuna from Tokyo for $500,000 and that's what I'm going to eat every single day. 98 year old Jiro Ono

Jiro will be dreaming of sushi on your super yacht and then I'm just going to ask him about his life. i assume it's very interesting he made a movie about it yeah is he still at it he's still at it wow by at it you mean alive yes and seemingly still working yeah yeah still cutting up the sushi that is a great pick yeah dude i did a i did a uh, like, uh, Michelin star sushi restaurant down the street from my house, weirdly, in, like, Atwater Village. And, boy, it, it does slap.

It is fucking good. Like, it's, it, we went there once. It's, like, one of those, like, you go there every three years because it's so expensive. But they had, like, a tuna flight where there were like six different like cuts of the tuna. And you're like, all right, then I'm not going to notice the difference. And you notice the difference. It's amazing. Imagine that every day, every meal, because I'm buying a tuna every day.

Also, you can't even get reservation. He's not Michelin rated because you can't get reservations to the restaurant anymore. It's now basically only for regulars. That's the only people who get to go there. Yeah. There's no public reservations anymore. That's why I got to come in. Now there,

now there we go. I wonder, see, I got to wonder if I would like this sushi. No. Or is it still sushi? It's the sushi-est. It's.

I just put it. Sean hates. I just put a joke up about that. Yeah. Sean hates sushi. But like the sushi... I think the sushi you would like would be like a roll with like avocado... Maybe avocado.

I don't know. You don't like avocado. I do like tuna fish. But this is not the kind of tuna you like. That's not it. All right. It's not mayonnaise-y tuna. Do you put mayonnaise in your tuna?

You put mayonnaise in your tuna. No. No. What do you put in your tuna? You just eat the can, but nothing else. No sushi, just canned tuna. I put it on a sandwich. I mean, I don't really do it a lot anymore. When I was on a diet, I did, but I didn't mind it at all. I could eat it straight out of the can. Not a big deal.

I get the juice out of there. That's disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get the juice out of there. I squeeze all the tuna juice out of there, and then I can eat it. Well, on my yacht, Jiro will squeeze the tuna for you. You're bringing in a goat to eat the can. Zero waste.

LeBron James. LeBron's like, yeah, I'm on an all-can diet because I want to be the goat that bad. LeBron, this is your worst joke. It's funny when you say it, but if he said it, you'd be the goat that battered. Like, LeBron, this is your worst joke. It's funny when you say it, but like if he said it, you'd be like, boo. He saw Shane Gillis four years ago, though.

He was the first dude to see Shane Gillis do stand-up comedy. LeBron James. Did LeBron say that? No. I was just like, what? Because he's always like, I heard the Migos.

I heard Migos play in 1982 or whatever. He saw Shane Gillis in Baltimore in 2014. We're all six. Josh, time for your second and your third picks. Okay. So, oh, right. It's a snake. It's kind of like a Roomba.

A very narrow hole. A very narrow hole. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. It's like a room, but a very narrow, very narrow. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Okay. I'm, I can't just be hanging out with Supreme court justices for a month.

That's no fun. So I'm bringing in just in a deeply eccentric entourage. That's on my payroll. They're coming everywhere with me. I'm paying for all their travel. That's on my payroll. I'm getting a hype man, right. To, to build me up a humbleman to break you back down uh you're gonna have a humbleman i'm getting a humbleman in the entourage

yeah who else keeps haters on the payroll that nobody you gotta have someone saying no that's such a good idea that's right that's so funny too many famous people have yes man. I'm getting a no sir. I've got so Jesse you're talking about personal chef. I've got on my entourage impersonal chef. They just cook for whoever's around. Anybody comes through

they're cooking for them. I told you I have a peanut allergy. That's not my business. I was making pad die when you showed up. Your noser said I could cook it. So I'm cooking it. And, uh,

blacksmith. Um, of course. And then, uh, turtle. Jerry Ferreira, Jerry Ferreira.

In character. He has to stay in character. He's in character. That's what the money's for. Yeah. I's in character. That's what the money's for. Yeah. That's what the money's for. That'd be so funny to pay someone to stay. Yeah.

So that's... I've got like an entourage. We can add or subtract, but that's just where I started with this crew. I'm going to roll deep. The blacksmith is for what? If your horse throws a shoe? My horse throws a shoe, my belt comes unbuckled, my wife

loses the back to her earring, we're smithing them up fresh. Don't bother looking for it. We'll smelt you one. He smelts, he delts. You're great. Do you have anyone in mind for a hype man and humbleman oh i think of a hype man in in character we're talking an in-character hype man right

i mean they they're it could be anyone just hyping like they don't have to be in a tv i'm trying to think of who would be a great it's ironic because you would be a great hype man thank you really would yeah you'd be like a low-key like a in your ear hype man like you dude you're doing great you're killing yeah this is like a happy happy paliaci where it's like that's another horse i am the best hype man i am the best hype man doctor you should go see pagliacci that's a great idea oh wait a minute i'mliacci. You should come see Pugliacci. You gotta see this show. This new show's incredible.

Yeah. We got pyrotechnics. It's amazing. Doctor, this really cheered me up. Just knowing that you're a fan cheered me up. Happy Pugliacci. You don't hear about the happy clowns you hear about the sad ones but some of them are probably doing great

there's some happy clowns it's like the stand up comedian who has like a stable home life you know what I mean where they're like oh no they're out there yeah they're fine we're not good but we're out there I might go classic hype man I might bring Flava Flava along why not

by the way available available, I think. He just did the national anthem at an Atlanta Hawks game, I think. Yeah. Better than I expected. He broke his foot off in it. He kind of did. Yeah, he sang it. He wasn't just there while someone else was singing it, being like,

Chuck D sang it. Chuck D sang it. Chuck D doing the national anthem would be very different. He's taking some liberties with the words. Yeah, it's either way longer or way shorter. Humbleman, you should get like a New York Times, one of those people who does like the takedowns. Oh, yeah.

Isaac Chotner from the New Yorker. That's what I'm bringing in. And he's just like, oh, you think that's a nutritious lunch? Long form technique. Why don't you tell me what you think that's doing for your body? Oh, so I noticed you said

you were going to get some work done and you're still just scrolling on your phone. What's the real methodology behind that? I'm just destroyed. Josh Gonneman sat down

in front of a busy Frisee salad as he prepared to do work for the day. Just commented crying face emoji on all his friends' stand-up clips without watching them. I love the no, sir. Being, again, a perfect hype man. Thank you.

You and Turtle could talk about Snickers, too. It'd be kind of perfect. Yeah, it'd be pretty fun. And your third pick. My third pick. Okay. and your third pick my third pick okay this is this one isn't going to cost that much

but I think it would be fun just like as a something I wouldn't splurge on Will Smith style coast to coast cab ride brush prints of opening credits coast to coast cab ride it'd Prince of Bel-Air opening credits,

coast to coast cab ride. It'd be pretty pricey, I think. Yeah, I think Adam Newman had a bit where he calculated it at one point. But I just feel like that would be a fun expenditure. Shout out to Adam Newman. But also, I just was like, oh man, what a, yeah. You'd get to see the sights.

You'd be like, yeah, keep the meter running. We're going to look at the Grand Canyon. We're going to see some majesty, dude. You'd become, well, hopefully you would become friends with this cabbie. I think so. Which would be beautiful. Yeah, absolutely. You're bound to.

I mean, that's a long, you're not driving constantly. So that's, you guys are together for a minute. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're not in a rush. We got time. It's just me, the cab driver, Clarence Thomas in the backseat. What if you just had to make small time, like small talk, cab driver clarence thomas in the back seat what if you just had to make small time like small talk cab driver shit the whole like we were getting to it well because there's no

there's no people it's cab drivers barbers and guys who work at duncan who skip the small talk yeah my barber straight my barber's an old r guy. Or not even old. He's like a young Russian guy. He's like my age. So not young, but not old. And he goes, Israel, huh? And I was like, fuck. Just like out of nowhere, like Israel, huh? And then I was like, oh boy. And he goes,

I think I've been saying for years they put it in, just put in Australia where there's more space. And I was like that is only the 11th worst idea that I've heard about this topic

this week there are political figures with worse ideas absolutely yeah oh that'd be funny I mean Australia

probably it's horrifying when someone drops that without giving you any sort of a hint as to which way they're leaning

like where's this conversation about to go he's got blades to the back of my neck when someone drops that without giving you any sort of a hint as to which way they're leaning. Like, where's this conversation about to go? He's got blades to the back of my neck. He's just going to hear my thoughts. Yeah. The answer matters. Being from Russia weirdly doesn't give you any clues on it either. Again,

that could, the wind could blow either way on that. Yeah. It could be anything. That jarred me so much that I forgot what we were talking about right before the conversation she'll have with a cab driver all Israel all the time but like that's it it gets deep right away

the guy my Duncan I might have said this on the podcast before he doesn't work there anymore I hope he's okay but I would be like how's it going man and he would go dude I wanna fucking die he would say that at work? He said it twice to me. Two different occasions.

You haven't said that before. I've never heard you say that. I've never respected someone's honesty more. Was this in New York or in Boston? New York. This was in New York. It felt very Boston, but it was in New York. Just the act of working on a Dunkin'. He sort of takes on Boston. He's the Boston embassy to New York it felt very Boston but it was in New York just the act of working on a Dunkin

he sort of takes on Boston he's the Boston embassy to New York yeah those East like a lot of the in my limited experience

the Dunkins I've been to a lot of tattoos a lot of like I don't care how loud I'm saying what I'm saying like employee and I don't mind

I'm like sure I don't care you're not upsetting me like if someone said that to me I'd be like oh that's a bummer man sorry you're having a rough day I don't care how they say it I wouldn't care. I'm like, sure, I don't care. You're not upsetting me. If someone said that to me, I'd be like, oh, that's a bummer, man. Sorry, you're having a rough day. I don't care how they say it. I wouldn't care that they swore or whatever. But that's what I said.

I was like, oh, man, I'm sorry you're in a rough place. I hope things get better soon. I wasn't like, I had to kind of restrain myself because normally when someone... Hyping up the Dunkin' Donuts employee. Yeah, I was hyping him up. Yeah, I was hyping him up. But normally when someone says that to you, it's like an intimate relationship, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And die and you go oh what can i do is there anything

in the world i can do for you but i was like i can't say that to this guy we're we we don't have it like that i can't get that deep in his life i'll tell you what i've never tipped more yeah you you earned it man dun. Dunkin' is like, you also, they can be like that because where else are you going to go? Because Dunkin' to donuts

and coffee is the way Taco Bell is to Mexican food where it's like, it is, but it isn't. It's like adjacent and you can't get it anywhere else. Yeah, you came here

for what we've got. Coast to coast cab ride. I'm amazed that a YouTuber has not done this yet i know god mr beast you're asleep i will say what it does feel like this is all like if they were to remake this movie it would just be starring mr beast as like a benevolent god to a bunch of people being like do this and i won't see what you do i think he is a benevolent god to a bunch of that's. What's happening? We'll send him this podcast. He could do all this stuff.

Jesse, time for your third pick. What will Mr. Beast be doing? Jesse David Fox, by the way, one more time, author of Comedy Book, which is available now. Everybody go grab it. Cop it. So on the yacht, I'm building a basketball court. And then on this basketball

court, I'm organizing a pickup game. So on my team, I'm building a basketball court. And then on this basketball court, I'm organizing a pickup game. So on my team, it's going to be Kevin Durant, Chet Holmgren, Victor Weminyama, three tall skinnies, Adam Sandler, me.

First, this team I play against in summer league that I hate. And we're going to kick their ass so bad. Also, I'm going to be wearing game worn Jordan 13s and ruining their value by playing pretty bad.

You could play good and it still would ruin their value. Also, they're going to be too big for me, so I'm going to be flopping all over the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta wear a bunch of socks, dude. On a yacht in the Amalfi Coast. I know Sandler plays a lot.

Jesse, I bet you have insight. Ian, you might know about this. How is his game? Is he good and what's his style on the court? He's a works the ball around guy. Okay. Oh, that's beautiful. It's not unlike what his career has turned into.

That's how he feels like that. You'd rather see the other people score, even though these are strangers instead of Rob Schneider or whatever. But like, also, biggest shorts, biggest shirt. Oh, yeah. And he's pretty good. Does Victor Wemba Nyama know who Adam Sandler is?

I think yes. I think so. I want to think so. He's been, he's enduring. He's pretty goddamn famous. I bet you he's been serving one of his movies on Netflix. Yeah. Yeah.

What about Chet? Yeah, because Adam has been, Adam, my friend. Your friend Adam. He's been a famous lowbrow comedy maker for all lifetimes. So it's not like he's, you know, he's on Netflix. So it's like I assume Chet Holmgren was 13 when Jack and

Jill is still a little too early. He was probably like in high school when Sandy Wexler came out. He probably loves Adam Sandler but his favorite movie is probably like Hubie Halloween. Like it would upset us. Totally.

Yeah. But like, that's how he's like, Oh, the guy from Hubie Halloween. I'd love to play with him. He's going to call him Hubie on the court. Yeah.

Where's your jacket Hubie? As he's like throwing outlet passes to him. This is an amazing idea. Who is on the summer league team who you hate? Can you, I don't want them to know because they're very mean. I hate it.

They were mean to... It's an all-genders basketball league. They're particularly, I think, too mean to non-male-gendered players in a way that I thought was fucked up. I thought you were kidding.

Honestly, a lot of the pitches I had, I was planning on in a way that I thought was fucked up. And you're serious. I thought you were kidding. You're serious. No, no. I actually like, honestly, a lot of the pitches I had, I was planning on different topics. I was going to bring up this basketball team and how much they... They just really are mean

and bad sports. And I can't wait to see them be dunked on by a bunch of tall skinnies. You should get like Sabrina Ionescu coming off the bench too, just to come in

and like really, really mush their face in it. You want to stick it Ionescu coming off the bench too just to come in and like really really mush their face in it. You want to stick it to some mean dudes. Yep. That would be The team needs a little more shooting. Actually that's true. I'll tell you like off topic kind of on topic. I just went to a my nephew's basketball

game. It was a bunch of eight year olds playing ball. I haven't seen that in a while. Zero ball movement. It's so funny because you're like, whoever gets the point, whoever gets the ball from the inbound, they will be shooting. There is no way to stop that shot from going to the inbound. It's crazy.

When you're eight, the idea of dribbling around other people is the scariest thing you could imagine. Oh my god, it's so... You just see the coach. Also, every kid was just whoever had the ball. They would just be screaming their name like they were on fire or something. Oh, their own name.

Like their coach. Would they be screaming the kid's name like Jeremy Jeremy like they all wanted the pumpkin so bad and you're like other players. Yeah, they were just like they acted like there was no way in hell. There was no way in hell that they're going to shoot the ball pass it to me. I need the 10 little Jordan pools out there. Yeah, they were just like, they acted like there was no way in hell. There was no way in hell that they're going to shoot the ball. Pass it to me.

I need the ball. Ten little Jordan pools out there. Yeah, dude. It didn't matter if the whole team could have been covering one kid and he'd still be like, give me the rock, bro. I love it. I'm feeling it. I'm on fire. Draymond was playing with those kids, right?

He's been picking up some run. Yeah, there's a bunch of kids splats all on the wall. He was, he was getting, he was getting aggressive. He's trying to stay, trying to stay, uh, limber during his suspension. Jesse, are the 13s your favorite Jordan? Is that why you went with the 13s? Uh, one, they are. Two, they are the record most, like the record for most expensive shoe of our

auction was game worn Jordan 13s. How much? Interesting. But I never wore Jordans as a kid because I don't know what it was. I think I thought I wasn't allowed. I was like, those are from Michael Jordan. They have his name and his silhouette on every single one.

And those have the little hologram, which is like, oh, these are for future Michael Jordans. This is like a not present these are for future Michael Jordans. Yeah. Not present day me. They look like close up ostrich leather. Yeah.

The 13s are. They look especially like you're not supposed to wear them. Yeah. The ones you're like, well, he's done with these. I can wear them. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But you wouldn't.

You're like, these aren't for basketball. Right. These are for like discus. Yeah. Those would hurt. I have to play in these. So they have to be like decent. The ones are for the steeplechase. Sean, time for your third pick.

I would pay... I would pay Mountain Dew and Taco Bell to make me a one of one, never to be repeated dinner. One of one. So only for you.

Only forever. So Mountain Dew comes up with a brand new... That's going to be a two or two once you're done with it. Did that come to you right away? That was good timing, my friend. I just knew I was trying to find another diarrhea spot on the show. You find diarrhea spots everywhere. And much like jesse throwing an

alley oop up to victor wambanyama we made it happen i would yeah just never so taco bell and this this is the least expensive thing mountain dew is going to be more expensive than taco bell but just they make something catered to me they do they they do a background check they go in they see what i actually like the kinds kinds of hot sauce that I like. Do you have ideations of self-harm before that first background check? No. Then we can't give you this. I don't know this for sure, but I imagine Taco Bell keeps tabs on every single person in the world.

So they know everything I've ever ordered every single time I've been there. They combine those. Mountain Dew knows what time it is for sure. They just make me like a special curated drink goes with the meal, sit down dinner, never ever ever to be repeated. One of one. Do you have any wish casting for it?

Do you have any stuff you'd like to see them do? I'd like Taco Bell to play with the lava sauce, of course. I'd like them to play with their chili. They don't really use their chili a lot. I'd like them to play with their chili. They don't really use their chili a lot. So I'd like that to happen. Mountain Dew,

you got to let a shooter shoot. I don't really. Yeah. After seeing, after being at the Dank Mart in Vancouver, I know what Mountain Dew is capable of

when left to their own devices. I don't need to get in the way of that. Are you expecting like aged Mountain Dew? I don't know, man. I'm going to pass the paintbrush to Picasso on this one and just let him play jazz.

Oak barrel code red from 1998. But, oh, I left this out. Sorry. It's a two liter. So it's not just like. Don't give me oak. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a two liter. So there's a lot of it. Important question. Are you pouring it into a glass or are you drinking it from the two liter video game style? From the two liter. Yeah. It loses its flavor. As soon as it leaves the two liter, it loses a little

bit of the essence, as it were. It is a Mountain Dew from 1999, which is an especially good vintage because that's the year Significant Other by Limp Bizkit came out. Yeah. And I'm sure some Halo came out that year, too. Like, yeah, something

absolutely. Which one is Significant Other? Is that a whole album? This is from Durst's Reserve. And like what? I'm sure some halo came out that year too. Like, yeah, something. Absolutely. Which one is significant? Other. Is that a whole album from Durst's reserve? This is from Fred himself. From his do seller. Durst's reserve. Oh God.

That's funny. That's a horse name right there. Fred sends his best. He could not be here. And I'd be like, he wasn't invited. He's my one-on-one. He couldn't be here because you told him not to come.

I'll be like, here's 10 grand. Go tell Fred he wasn't invited. Ever. Oh, he would want to break stuff when he heard that. He would storm off set. Just one of those days.

Oh, yeah. You open the Mountain Dew and instead of fizz, you hear a little bit of that. Ooh, a little corn. Yeah. I'd like to see Taco Bell take on a Mexican lasagna. I think they could do a good job of that. I think you'd enjoy it. I've never even heard of that. Yeah. We used to have that grown up.

It's just like an enchilada. It's like an enchilada. Yeah, it's all in the name. It tells what it says on the tin. Yeah. Time for my third pick. With my third pick, this is just a cute one. Sorry, Ian, can you break here?

I'm going to break after my third pick. Okay, my bad. Yeah, it's all right. Leave it all in. Never fucking do that again, Isaac. You understand me? Oh, Isaac, take that sound bite out. You understand me?

If you ever interrupt one of my avalanches of creativity, as you know I call them. No chairs on set for all fantasy. No chairs on set. I'm going to scream At you so hard Your atoms are gonna disassemble Avalanche of creativity That was funny Good job

Thank you for the reminder But I was gonna take it Right after this pick This is a cute one I just wanna The Orient Express Train line Is crazy expensive

We like looked into it We were like Oh maybe that would be fun to do And it's like $10,000 a night where is it so i just it's it's uh oh it goes to like turkey okay uh but i just want to do a murder mystery on the orient express you can afford a real death if you want you want to pay to have someone murdered i want to pay to have someone murdered. I want to pay to have someone murdered. I want to do a real murder. It's a real murder. I'm having someone killed. But no, I want.

The Orient Express. Yeah. I want my wife and I to be on the Orient Express and have like a bunch of like professional actors, like really good actors. Like we're getting like Helen Mirren's out there. Yeah. And we're doing a murder on the Orient Express like experience, but it's a whole new mystery. I think Dana would solve

the hell out of a murder on a train, too. I think she would love. I think she would thrive in a murder on a train environment. I didn't know the Orient Express was a real. I thought it was

all completely fictional. I had no idea it was a real railroad. It's real. I think it goes Paris to Constantinople. Maybe. Constantinople. I didn't know it was real i think it goes easy paris to constantinople maybe constantinople i didn't know it was real until about 10 years ago well it's not real anymore darn stanville yeah which i know is that they might be giants of comedy i read all that in a book one time so

i knew all that i read it all in a book you They might be giants. No, I read it in a big book, dude. I read a lot of stuff in that book. Fucking half this dog. So that's just a cute one. That's just a little cute one that I think will be really fun to do. What, like three, four, five nights? How long is the mystery? I think it's like a three-night trip.

Okay. And you do it during the winter. It's snowing outside. You're extremely dressed up. So is everyone in character the whole time? Yeah, everyone's in character. So it's like 72 hours all trying to solve the murder. Dinner theater.

Dinner theater. But you and Dan are you. It could be you, right? You don't have to be like Sir Walter Floppington or whatever. It can be. Well, now I'm Sir Walter Floppington. I'm playing. I'm going gonna play an exaggerated version of myself if you don't think i'm wearing a bowler hat during this you're you're lying to yourself and i hate to see it i'm definitely wearing a bowler bowler hat i'm

definitely wearing a three-piece suit um paris train car emoji constantinople would be like a very funny instagram bio in like 1800 just in the little updates the little close friends yeah uh so i'm doing that and what my fourth pick we're gonna get to right after and this was my original idea a very short break this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by policy genius, policy genius. I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there.

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Visit betterhelp.com slash allfantasy today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash allfantasy. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. Already in progress. We're here with Josh Gondelman, comedian, Jesse David Fox, writer, author of the comedy book,

which is available now. Make sure you go and grab that. Time for my fourth pick. With my fourth pick, I'm going to be posting a bunch of my stand-up clips, but I'm going to be doing them on the Las Vegas sphere. There you go.

I've been thinking a lot about who the first comedian to play the sphere is going to be. I would put, if I had to gun to my head $10,000 on one name, it's Kevin Hart. Not even thinking about it

it's for sure Kevin Hart right yeah he's the biggest comedian in the world yeah and also he likes stuff like that but that's why

but wouldn't it be great if it was Fluffy that would be fun it would be amazing if it was Fluffy it's gotta be a Vegas type person like a Kevin Hart

or a Fluffy you know certain people he would make a bunch of jokes about how he's the same shape as the sphere so he had to play at first like all that kind of we could already start writing his bit for him it would be odd He would make a bunch of jokes about how he's the same shape as the sphere So he had to play it first

We could already start writing his bit for him That would be really fun You ever seen the sphere? I haven't seen it yet I've seen the sphere It looks crazy right? Insane looking Can you see it from a plane? Am I going to sound like an asshole?

It like earnestly It's so cool It made me be genuine about it where i was like of course what like the way i think people felt when they first saw like a movie or or the brooklyn bridge or whatever i just because i've been watching the gilded age uh like i saw it and i was like what feats we are capable of as man you know what i mean like it was that amazing i was literally tearing up talking about the brooklyn bridge the other night with someone yeah dude i think that about plumbing if i see a big building i'm like oh plumbing i can't imagine what i'd think if i saw the sphere that's crazy

yeah it's crazy it's also plumbing of our age the sphere the 21st century's aqueduct let's go let's. Let's plan a trip and go. I really want to see it. Not that I wouldn't mind seeing you too, but like, one of the rumors is that it is going to be Snoop and Dre next. And if that's the case, we'll go to that. They were in Sioux City one time

and I didn't go. Bonehead. They're always in Sioux City. They love it there. I was young enough to be like, to hang... Whatever. Whatever. Are you young enough to make your fourth pick? Yeah. I want to invite 16 martial artists from around the world to compete

in a Street Fighter 2 tournament where they all have to be in character. And I watch. That's pretty much it. A Ken, a Ryu, a Chun-Li, a Blanca. Oh, so you have people representing all of the actual Street Fighters. Oh, Vega.

Like an M. Bison, like a Barlog or Balrog, whichever. They have to look like the people. Oh, yeah. Blanca's going to be the tricky one. I don't know how we're going to do it, but we're going to get the closest thing to Blanca that we can. Other than that, everyone's going to look exactly.

Saget, Vega. I know a coupleanca that we can. Other than that, everyone's going to look exactly Saget, Vega. I know a couple dudes that could be Vega. Shout out, Wilson. We got a Ryu, a Ken. I might even dress up like Ryu because I've always fancied myself a Ryu if I had to pick one. You currently dress more like Ken. Yeah, I got a lot of red on right now, which is a rarity as I'm a crip. You should get

Jair Bolsonaro to play Blanca. Thank you. The former far- right president of Brazil. Yeah. Yeah. If he can wear like a green hat. Yeah. He's available.

Contracting various illnesses. Famously made out of electricity. Of course. Yeah. We're just, I just, you know, it's been my favorite video game my whole life.

I think it'd be a blast big purse for whoever wins is gonna be it'll be it'll be it'll be a good time this is like what the ufc used to be like where it would be like it would be like a 600 pound barroom brawler against like uh you know like a brazilian jiu-jitsu dude yeah dude tank abbott versus hoist gracie that fight happened for real and that's that's like Zangief versus Ryu almost, where you're like, what? It's... Yeah.

Those days, that was crazy. The Wild West, like Kimu, all those dudes that were like, they were like characters. Anyway, yes, a real life version of Street Fighter 2. This is a great question. That's a great draft pick I'm in. Jesse, it is time for your fourth pick.

If you notice that we're rushing through them, it's because I forgot we have a hard out and we are rushing through them and we do go on. Jesse, time for your fourth pick. So on the yacht, uh, build a theater because, and this is going to be incredibly specific,

but I actually earnestly thought, what would I do if I had all this money? And I would do a stage reading of a hypothetical third season of the TV show, the OA, which I don't know if you watch the OA, reading of a hypothetical third season of the TV show The OA. Oh, sure. Which, I don't know if you watch The OA. It's by Britt Marling and her partner

for Netflix. And essentially, they invented a new religion in the form of a TV show. And then the cliffhanger that ended season two, I can't spoil it because it is the wildest thing to ever happen on a TV show. But they go to another dimension and then it

just ends. And I need to know how it ends. It is truly like they are one season away from the meeting of life. Is it one of those where they canceled it and they just didn't know they were going to cancel and so they just didn't have an ending like Deadwood kind of? Yeah, yeah. Fully. It was

nowhere close to an ending of what that show would be. And it just fell through the cracks. And it's a great tragedy. It's not. This is a pick for the OA heads are screaming. Yeah. And like, watch the OA and you'll understand. It truly was like.

We got a big contingency of OA heads that listen. I'm married to an OA head. Yeah. As am I. Yeah. They'll be like exactly have you watched it Josh I haven't have you nor nor I know

the OA although it sounds like it sounds like sort of a blue balls experience you gotta watch it all right you gotta watch it okay to understand this pick because it really it truly is like if you read I don't know I don't know enough about how the Bible is structured to be like at the end of something cool.

All the chapters have two numbers. I don't know what's going on there. Chapter and verse? Yeah. So it's like reading the New Testament and then stopping right before Jesus comes back to life. Oh. Now imagine a stage reading of that on a yacht. Yeah, dude. With the Giro is cut off. With W on a yacht. Yeah, dude.

With the Giro. With Wemby there. Wemby. Wemby's there. Wemby loves Giro. He's never known such beauty. The best sushi you've ever had in your life. Adam Sandler's doing the stage directions.

Chet Holmgren's in it. Chet Holmgren plays God. Yeah, dude. Godraham Lincoln. Josh, time for your fourth and then your final picks, as it is a serpentine draft. Fourth pick. Met Gala has had it too good for too long with no competition.

I'm throwing a Met Gala competitor, the Guggenheim Gala, otherwise known as the Googola. And it's much bigger themes and much stricter. A guy just shows up in like a suit, like a tuxedo with like a red thread going down the lapels. No, your ass is out of here.

Sorry about that, Glenn Powell. You're not getting in. Yeah, you hit the bricks. Go over to the Met Gala where you can be like, no, I swear, this is the theme. The future is now.

Shut up. It's not. The Google, I'm throwing it. We're going to put the Met Gala out of business. Wintour, I'm coming for your ass. Yeah.

This one, it's the first Yiddish ball, which is great. The Google. The Google. The Google. It's like a pastry. And people are going to be like, how do they get eight Supreme Court justices?

Isn't this a conflict of interest? And then once the month expires, they'll be like, hell yeah, it's a conflict of interest. Of course it is. The Googler. The Googler. Each of them dressed up like a different birthday cake. The Googler. Excellent pick.

And your final pick, Josh. Final pick. Joshua. This kind of goes with all the other picks. I know it's like slightly against the spirit of a Brewster's Millions, but we're tipping a thousand percent on everything. That's everything for that month. You're tipping.

No matter what somebody does, you go to Dunkin' Coffee's $4. You're tipping 40 bucks. You're making someone's day. A thousand percent tip. When you have, if you have $80 million and you don't tip a thousand percent on every meal you purchase, you're, you're something in your soul has curdled. You're awful. Yeah.

Tipping a thousand percent. I'm not the only one. When you tip with cash, you wait until they're watching, right? Oh yeah. I go full Costanza yeah yeah I've borderline taken it like I've faked yeah fucking the Rondo where I'm like oh

I rustle I'll do a rustle yeah yeah yeah you know what's tough is when you get your you'll get your check and you're like I'm gonna tip with cash but I paid with my card so I'll sign it and I'll go to the front or whatever and I'll be like it's cool if I tip in cash right and I'll just say it

like pretty because you put zero on the thing it feels crazy to put zero just so they don't get it twisted I'll already tip cash no I will that's a good idea my problem is the Duncan app they don't let you tip on the app. And sometimes they just come in with my wallet.

So like once a week, I'll go in and just like throw $10 in the thing. You grease the wheels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just making sure they know, like I'm here. Like it almost feels like I'm paying protection money. He wants to die a little less every time you do that. You're paying destruction money.

It's the opposite of perfection jesse your final pick on this your first visit to afa uh in 2015 guy fieri the aforementioned guy fieri uh officiated 101 gay weddings yes i want to on my yacht throw 102 gay weddings. That's good. Is Guy going to officiate them? No, I'm going to officiate them. You're taking Guy down. Yeah. Are you dressed up as Guy Fieri at all? Yeah. Well, dress like me, but

sunglasses on the back of my head. Perfect. Yeah. So dress like you. Yeah. Just a note. You will mention Flavortown in the ceremony. Well, that's the name of your Just a note. You will mention Flavortown in the ceremonies. Well, that's the name of your yacht, right? You're going to paint Flavortown on the side for a month? Your restaurant is also called Flavortown.

Guy Fieri is going to have to then officiate a 103-day wedding. And that's what we're doing. Absolutely. As sure as you're born, he will do. Sean Jordan, time for your final pick. I'm going to get the whole... I don't know what city. I was thinking Portland.

A whole city to Truman Show me, but I'm in on it. And they don't know that I'm in on it. So you're Truman Showing the whole city. Yes, it's a dangerous game. So they're going to think that I'm in on it. So you're Truman showing the whole city. Yes, it's a dangerous game. So they're going to think that I have no idea what's going on. I do know what's going on. And then we just kind of play with that for a while.

This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. And just how it goes. What am I going to do when I go to Best Buy and I ask them for mashed potatoes? They're not going to know that I'm in on it. I'll be like, where are all the mashed potatoes? But they don't want to let me, you know, they want me to feel good about myself. So they're going to act like there's mashed potatoes at Best Buy. Yeah. Yeah. So something like that. I just thought it'd be, it's interesting. Reverse Truman Show is incredible. God god that's a great idea thanks it's so good because it requires

a second crew yeah it's deep also this is already inside a different movie premise it's it's deep yeah i uh i don't even know how it's gonna work but we're gonna because there's no real way for it to not work it's gonna be fun either way be, I'd just be the traffic would be the best. If everybody had to cater to me, they just wanted me to have a great experience every time I was driving. Oh my God, that'd be tight. You're already in the top 1% of unpaid drivers. He's so smooth. I've never seen smoother roads. My final pick. I want to make a, uh, Marzipan people town. So it's a whole town made of people who look like incredibly accurate depictions of themselves, but out of Marzipan.

And I want to wait for one stranger to drive in. And then a bunch of us rush out and start devouring the Marzipan people. So they think they're living in like some sort of zombie apocalypse or like a horror cannibalism movie. And we just sort of film their reaction and we put it up on the Vegas feed. Wait, so there's constant surveillance, which makes this a marzipan opticon. Come on.

Come on. Come on. I was hoping you would say cameras. Bangers. That's what you get for free. This is the free stuff. Imagine what the Patreon's like. That's why you are for free. This is the free stuff. Imagine what the Patreon's like. That's why you are the comedy book of podcast guests.

Comedy book available now, everybody make sure you grab that. Uh, it's a marzipan optic on, but it's a bunch of people made out of marzipan, incredibly realistic. And, we rush out and eat them.

Just the idea that you're driving up and then realize the first moment of people becoming cannibals. Not, oh, it's all zombies. Like literally like, like we're arriving and at the exact moment, they're like, I guess I'm also a cannibal. The first person they ate.

The problem is two bites into a marzipan person. You're like, that'll do. You're done. Yeah, that is the issue. Marzipan, Turkish delight, really any pre-war candy. It's like that'll do you're done yeah it is the that is the issue marzipan turkish delight really any pre-war candy it's like two bites and you're done any candy that like in a novel from the 1900s like turned children into hypnosis victims yeah yeah it's all out any candy that stalin was aware of i'm not interested it'd be hard to eat a person's

worth of anything like if it was that thick calzone as not interested in. It'd be hard to eat a person's worth of anything. If it was that thick, calzone as thick as a person, it'd be hard to eat. Calzone, marzipan, long pig. Long pig. Tail the trotter? That does it. That friggin' does it for us.

Isaac, do you have a pick? Super producer Isaac? I've been thinking about this This entire time I really feel like you guys You guys hit really All of the stuff that I would want to do Maybe I would get A bunch of my favorite musicians

In a room And we would write an album together Like I would get Bon Iver And Kendrick Lamar And all these people that I love Yeah that's what I would do maybe And you guys would all write me another rap song Yeah I'll write you

Yeah let's write another rap song together Yeah it's gonna be Bon Iver Kendrick Lamar and Sean Jordan That's what it is Sean arrives Sean arrives That's my given name To recap the picks Josh you went first and you took befriending

One or several Supreme Court justices Having eccentric Entourage that includes a hype man, a humble man, an impersonal chef, a blacksmith, and turtle. Taking an actual Fresh Prince-style coast-to-coast cab ride, throwing a Googler,

the Met Gala at the Guggenheim, the Googler, and tipping 1,000% on everything. Yep. Jesse, you went second. You took renting out Leonardo DiCaprio's super yacht, the same one that he uses, the Googler and tipping a thousand percent on everything. Yep. Jesse, you went second. You took renting out Leonardo DiCaprio super yacht. The one,

the same one that he uses flying in your private chef, zero from zero dreams of sushi. And also one $500,000 bluefin tuna a day, having a basketball court on said yacht, where you, Kevin Durant, Chet Holmgren, Victor Wemba, and Adam Sandler take on this

ass summer league team full of pricks who we all hate and this whole time you're wearing game worn Jordan 13s. After that, you're cooling down with a stage reading of the third season of the OA. All in preparation to officiate 102 gay weddings. Take that

guy, Fieri. Sean Jordan, you went third. You took buying up as many Super Bowl ads as you can and just showing ads for old movies you like. Throwing the now, that's what I call a concert featuring performances from Semisonic and Dr. Dre.

Having Mountain Dew and Taco Bell collaborate on a one-of-one culinary experience for you. Drafting 16 martial artists from around the world for a Street Fighter 2 tournament. They're all in character. And then Truman Showception. Where you throw the Truman Show, except you know that it's the Truman Show the whole time. I went last and I took a Roman Coliseum-style naval battle in the Pasadena Rose Bowl.

Dosing that billionaire trying to hack himself into being young with stuff that makes him older a murder mystery on the Orient Express posting stand-up comedy clips of myself onto the Las Vegas sphere that's and then a marzipan a town full of marzipan people who get

devoured in front of unsuspecting onlookers we want to hear your picks hit us up at all fantasy pod on Twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com shout out to everyone the afe patreon thank you for holding us down afe patreon where you can get auction drafts bonus

episodes live episodes mailbags all of that stuff uh ad free episodes there's like hundreds of books on there seriously it's like less than a it's like a cup of coffee or something just do it it's so there's so much stuff on there go go get it. It's great. Of course, Isaac's Tasteful Nudes, also on there. Of course. Nipples. Very softly lit. Very softly lit. Nipples. Tasteful. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Josh and Jesse. Thank you so much

for joining us today. Yeah, dudes. Seriously. Thank you for having me. This was a blast. Shout out to Josh's tour dates. Shout out to, one more time, the book comedy book by Jesse David Fox how comedy conquer culture and the magic that makes it work make sure you go pick that up

shout out to San Su Carmel shout out to Super Producer Isaac shout out to Frankie Ocean shout out to Haji Beach shout out to fucking shout out to David shout out to David shout out to David more than all that tune in again next week to another brand new episode

of All Fantasy Everything. Chick clackity? Sure. that was a hate gun podcast