All Fantasy Everything - What To Do with a Billion Dollars (w/ Sean Jordan, David Gborie, and Zak Toscani)

Episode Date: October 19, 2017

THE BARENAKED LADIES WERE COWARDS. Today on AFE the Good Vibes Crew is joined by The Kimono Dragon himself, Zak Toscani, to draft what we'd do if we had a billion dollars. A BILLY A BILLY A BILLY A BILLY. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that baked me a happy birthday cheesecake. It was so delicious. It was really good. It was so good. This is going to be dropping like two weeks after my birthday, so it's going to seem like I'm really indulging in myself. Yeah, but right around then we'll be at Jay-Z. Yeah, yeah.

We'll be at Las Vegas. Oh, boy. Reminiscing about this cheesecake. Oh, man. As I'm rolling in the chill-out tent. Super producer Marissa made a cheesecake. It was so good. It was very good.

It was so good. She goes, earlier, she's like, I'm going to put it away, and I thought she said, I'm going to throw it away. Yeah. And shit almost went downstairs. Yeah. It almost turned into a scene. None of this almost happened.

You almost started fighting your shadow. Uh-huh. Because you really couldn't be mad at Marissa. No, God, no. No, no, no. No, absolutely not. I would have to focus that anger somewhere. Can't be on any of you.

No. Yeah, I'd have to be on my shadow. Peter Pan style. Yeah. Chuck that shadow. That shadow. Fucked Nicole back in the day, too. Oh, my God.

I've had a lot of beef with him. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. I let it ride. I'm with the guy every goddamn day, I tell you. I was going to say. Except for high noon. I was going to say.

Fucking coward. I don't want to speak out of turn, but I've seen him follow you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen you follow him, though, too. Dude, I stalk him. Depends on what type of day it is. This is what people come to the podcast for.

This is what they love. Shadows. Shadow talk. What is it? The Dust Bowl? We have to be joking about the shadows and stuff? You don't have to pay for your shade. What else am I going to joke about?

My dead crops? I can't, you know. Yeah, you gotcha. The Dust Bowl got me playing with my shadow over here. My cousin we had to eat. It's a goddamn plague, I tell ya. Oh, thank God they didn't have podcasts during the Dust Bowl. Oh, you don't want to hear about that.

Welcome back to horrible stories. Yeah. I don't think they had any humor during the Dust Bowl. Nothing was funny. Use offer code, I have no teeth. And you'd get one baked bean in the mail. And a pair of MeUndies. Yeah.

They were still around. Offer code, I have no teeth. They're gone. I had to eat them. I had to sell my teeth to the Vanderbilts. Some old school rich family. Oh, yeah. To Gloria Vanderbilt.

Gentlemen, we are back to that voice you hear is Sean Jordan, of course. I missed it. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan. I saw another Cougar, something Michael Cougar Melon something. Okay. On Instagram? On Instagram.

I saw that too. People are, people. It's why they knew though. You 100% are, you're an influencer. Yeah, man. I i emailed i felt like such a chump the other day i was asking ian i was like what's up with me not being verified on twitter and he goes someone has to ask you to for you to get verified like somebody has to email so i went ahead and emailed my damn self good i'm trying to get are you verified yet are you

verified i gotta get verified oh yeah you were like you're not either i'm not verified oh it makes me feel bad because you were thinking i was sitting there like like it just happened like twitter was like you know who's not verified yet it's ian that's what i thought twitter was his stone at twitter like up in silicon valley and i was like not on the people chelsea lately even like it always has to be somebody asking for you that's what jack you're verified right i am not no well we don't want that i don't you know what know what? I'm about at that point where I'm just like, you know what? I wouldn't even accept it if they did. Sure.

Sure, sure, sure. I would accept it. It's just funny. It would cheapen the Zach Toscani experience. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't need that. Yeah.

I don't need any more than five likes on every tweet. You guys are crazy. I want it. I want it bad. I find myself besieged by fake Zach Toscanis on Twitter, And I wish there was a way to tell which one is the real one. Where's the goddamn real one? Are you at the real Zach Toscani? Just Zach Toscani.

Zach Toscani. Zach Toscani. No, I haven't gotten real yet. He has a bunch. Zach Toscani 311. Zach Toscani 420. Zach Toscani. 6969.

Zach Toscani would be pretty good. That would work. Ooh, that is good. Mike Cougar Mellon Nichols, who is either ripping you off or came up with the first thing you stole it from him. We don't know. It might be in a model. You don't like it. I apologize if that's on me, bud.

Is he your fan of the show? Don't feel bad, though. I can't wait until other gizlons start popping up. Somebody whose last name is like Nudson, the K is silent. Yeah. It doesn't work as well. The G is silent is perhaps the perfect twitter name yeah yeah it works well it's nice your twitter name has a nickname dude

yeah yeah yeah my rings got rings you know what i mean my flags got flags tell jeezy about it the ted is silent i just don't talk to many people yeah i'm just a quiet guy shinkuger what have you been up to lately i went to south dak Dakota for a wedding Man, I didn't So I did a show and People couldn't actually go to it Which is insane, like we had to turn people away What? And the owner of this t-shirt company that I'm sporting

Well, I'll find the name of it out during this podcast But the owner came up and gave me Two dank ass South Dakota shirts One of them says Chiswick on it And the other one I'm wearing, and it's just got a state of South Dakota with all the counties. Sure. So, shouts out.

It was so dope. I was thrilled. South Dakota has multiple counties? I thought it was just the one county. Why? What's the point? There, looked it up. The population's like just over 800,000 in the state.

In the state. There's got to be a county with like 45 people in it. Oh, dude. Yeah, old 45 counties murder is legal in half of the counties in south dakota i bet what are the laws like out there dude so just a bit of a side track huh does there a make my day law out there what's a make my day like where you can just kill someone if they're pissing you off yeah i don't think that's i don't think that I thought it was like if somebody comes on your property, like if you can make their

day. I mean, yeah, probably. What is that called? Like castle? They have some name for it in Florida. Oh, yeah. Something a little more regal. King me, I think it's called.

Like my home is... Like your home is your castle. Protecting my manor. Oh. That kind of shit. I think it's actually, will you protect this house yeah firing in the foyer that's early under armor right back in high school when you were like i gotta give me some under i gotta protect the house dad i mom i gotta protect the house

dad i had a nightmare last night that i didn't protect the house yeah you need so you need to buy me some thermal underwear back in high when it was like should i do more push-ups nah i need some under armor that's what my hand that is what i felt like i was like you know what i'll you know what i'll shave point two off that 40 i don't have heat you needed that like uh i'm too hot the glorified durag kind of the underwear band around, that'll be faster. I had a Tommy one of those back in the day. Did you really? Tommy Hilfiger.

Oh, you had a Tommy Hilfiger school cap? Uh-huh. I bet it was baby blue with yellow on it. It was kind of a joke, but kind of like that stupid necklace Shane had. Kind of a joke, but I still liked it. I knew everybody hated it, but I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna wear this.

There was nothing kind of a joke about that necklace. It was a full joke. We'll talk about Shane. I got a whole pic that involved Shane pretty heavily in it fuck it, I'm gonna wear this. There was nothing kind of a joke about that necklace. It was a full joke. We'll talk about Shane. I got a whole pic that involved Shane pretty heavily in it. Oh, I love that. Okay. Shout out to Shane Torres. Enemy of the show. Enemy of the show. Any shows coming up you want to plug?

Yeah, man, that 10,000 Last Festival in Minneapolis next October 20th and 21st I'll be there with Sugar Shane Torres and Beth Stelling and some other fun folks that's it Zach Toscani, add Zach Toscani on Twitter and on Instagram

cross platform putting a lot of energy into Instagram so please follow him oh yeah the stories Zach was screaming at tennis while you were in here and he thought everyone was gone I thought everyone was gone from the home.

Yeah. Ian's just right there in his room. I was taking a nap with my lady. And all of a sudden from the other room, I just hear like you freaking out. You hit it. HBO, Cinemax, Showtime. He's just doing back and forth. And like part of me, because I should have known that it was you just doing back and forth. And like part of me, cause I, I should have known that it was you just doing Instagram stories.

And I eventually got to that, but part of me was like, Zach is into this tennis match. I really just thought you were like getting super into the tennis match and like somebody who's playing Federer and maybe they had the upper hand on him. Oh, that's never happened.

It was, yeah, it was, it's like one of the, thank God I didn't know you were there until after I was done. Because that is like one of my biggest fears. I don't like, like I can't even talk on the phone in public because people are only hearing my side of the conversation, which always sounds stupid. Sure.

I wish everybody felt that way because that's a good way to be, my friend. Yeah. I hate talking on the phone in public. I can't stand it. I love it. My conversations are interesting. Oh, yeah? 12 pounds?

I can get a python for half that price. I'm going to have to take that one back to the orange grove. 19 kettlebells. 19. That's crazy. We're going to make a lot of ostrich jerky. Listen, if you can look Danny Glover in the eye and tell that lie, you go ahead. That'd be so fun to do at Starbucks.

You did what to Christian Slater? go ahead that'd be so fun to do at starbucks you did what to christian slater god that'd be fun no no no no oh you're right next to jake jonehall do a favor and spit in his face for me hi ho cherry or we walk i was cast in Demolition first. I love the idea of half a phone conversation. It's just an absurd thing. Yeah. I was in, I'll do it quick. I got arrested one time and this kid that hit me, we ended up going to jail. We both got arrested, went to jail.

I'm on the phone with my mom and I go, hey, mom. All you could hear was my side. So this is what you hear. I go, hey, I'm in jail. Yeah, sorry. All right. All right. Thank you.

Love you. She was coming to get me. This kid gets on the phone and all you could hear was his side. And he goes, go, hey, I'm in jail. Yeah, sorry. All right. All right. Thank you. Love you. She was coming to get me. This kid gets on the phone. And all you could hear was his side. And he goes, hey, mom, I'm in jail. Well, fuck you. He slams the phone down. And I knew him from high school.

What did she say? Probably, you're staying in jail. And he walks past me and detox. And I look at him. I go, looks like you're staying in jail, dickweed. Because he t-boned my car and totaled it anyway so i got out of jail wow so quick one of those to kelly jordan same dog pan bail and everything put up with some shit tuscan do you have any shows coming up uh i'm trying to put together a theater show in cincinnati so in december so look out for that. There you go.

The Gislant is in the house. Silent G. David Borey. Fresh off a trip to Arcata and the Savage Henry Festival. Arcata, California, where men can be children too. How was the festival? What went down?

Man, a lot of stuff went down. People were peeing in suitcases. What? Like to bring back with them? Listen, I gotta go to my PO's office. Anyone got a can? I have a suitcase you can piss. That is the wrong place to go for clean piss.

It's not where you go. We also locked down a hotel, so it was just us. It was just, you know, the crazies had the asylum. It was just the comics? It was just the comics at Hotel Arcata. That's uncalled for. Smoking clouds of gorgeous smoke. I can't imagine.

I saw pictures of those joints. They were like a forearm size. One of them looked like Manu Bull's arm. It was so big. It was so big. And it had an elbow in it. Shout out to Luigi Diaz for rolling those joints nobody thought was possible. He wrapped them in a Torah.

They were so big. They make those cones, but I think they're like, this is promotional material. You know what I mean? When you see the Nesquik surfboard, nobody's going to ride a wave on that thing. Ride the chocolate wave. Or those Red bull cars chocolate wave which also sounds like a nice place way to say diarrhea i was riding the chocolate wave i was riding the chocolate wave chill out i uh i was surfing on nesquik i ate saltines and i'm good oh dude my buddy just this weekend i was trying to get him to come to this party i was

like hey man come hang out it's like 4 in the morning I poop my pants at Papa Doc's at Papa Doc's? at Papa Doc's I can just tell he's laying in bed the bar's name is Papa Doc's? Papa Doc's like your favorite character from 8 Mile fuck Cranbrook

so is it really called Calvin's? or Clarence? he goes this man's a gangster his real name is Clarence Calvin's or Clarence? What is it? Yeah, he goes, this man's a gangster. His real name is Clarence. It's a pretty gangster name. Clarence? Do you hear me?

I saw it a while back. There's some politician that you know that went to Cranbrook, too. It's like Mitt Romney or something. Really? Not Mitt Romney. But some politician went. Somebody from Michigan? Yeah, went to Cranbrook.

Oh. So you hear that? Mike Pence, I know something about you. Clarence Parrish, have a real good marriage. How much? Alan K. Simpson? No, no, no. Oh, Mitt Romney.

It is Mitt Romney. Yeah, Mitt Romney went to Cranbrook. Michigan. Holy shit, he did. See? That's a private school. You got anything coming up? uh oh mitt romney it is mitt romney yeah yeah mitt romney went to cranbrook michigan holy shit he did see that's a private school you got anything coming up uh oh yeah i'm gonna be at the haha conference there it is at penn state november 4th hell yeah so come check me out that sounds that what is the haha conference i don't really know i just got the offer dude i hope you i hope you're asked to speak at a symposium i'm in a panel in the morning and then i do a show at night that's so dope those morning panels yeah i might enroll in school just so i can go see this come check it out i'll tell

you to drop out i don't know what i would tell them you should wear a mortar board while you're doing the panel what's a mortar that's the call That's like the graduate hat. Oh, sure. That would flex on them. I always thought they were called the graduate hat. No, a mortarboard. Did anyone else in this room know that? And you be honest. I did not. Did anyone else graduate from college? I graduated from college? Yeah. But I didn't like,

hey, what's this called again? You didn't get a mortarboard? I graduated from high school. I couldn't say it. Mortarboard? You didn't get a mortarboard? I graduated from high school. Mortarboard? You couldn't say mortarboard. Mortarboard? Nothing better than a mortarboard on a warm morning. Warm morning.

With loose meat and a cooler. I graduated on a warm morning. You did. I did. And you had a mortarboard on. I did. Mortarboard on a warm morning. I dropped out of college on a warm morning.

Probably a warm night. You know what a good way to escape from an island quickly is? Mortarboard. Mortarboard. Mortarboard. Mortarboarding? Mortar board. Mortar board. Mortar boarding? Mortar board. Mortar board.

Steve Carwell, what are your social? Addy and Carmelo cross platform. All platforms. All platforms. Really, the only thing to plug is, I mean, check out my new podcast, All Fantasy Everything. Sure. It's a good one. Come see me.

Oh, if you're in Portland, Oregon, I'm doing my first hour show there in more than a year at Revolution Hall. Way more than a year. It's like a year and a half. It has been a year and a half. Yeah. Oh, yeah. December 22nd, it's called 30 Minutes About Trump and then 30 Minutes to Make You Forget

About Trump. That's exactly what it is. It's going to be good. I'm really excited about it. Tickets on sale now. It's at Revolution Hall. Was that you that tweeted? That was you, right?

That tweeted, it looks like Trump was coming out with a record on No Limit? Oh, yeah. If you guys haven't looked at that tweet, go look at that picture because it's one of the most accurate. It does. It does. It's like he retweeted some shitty bot account, as he is wont to do. Today we are gathered here to draft what we would would do if we had a million a billion dollars a billion with a one billion dollars some of this shit's well over a milli dr evil oh my shit yeah

my shit yeah yeah yeah do it again dr evil do it again one billion dollars doctor now for everybody listening that actually was dr evil he's here my wires is He's here. One billion dollars. It's pretty good. I'm a little loopy right now, I have to admit. I think it's from the two and a half pieces of cheesecake I ate earlier. Yeah. I am buzzing. Well, you haven't been doing sweets lately.

There were some Oreos. Let me say this. I've been doing sweets all week because it was my birthday. I've been eating so many sweets. Sweet steaks. Dog, on my birthday day, I went crazy. Yeah? I had some chocolate cereal and then a bagel.

What kind of chocolate cereal? Like some Trader Joe's off, you know, chocolate cereal. Oh, like chocolate flakes or puffs? Yeah, chocolate flakes. Flakes, okay. And then I had like two sandwiches from Ink Sack, like over a three-hour period, which is like the Voltaggio's like sandwich place it's so fucking good the voltagios and then uh and then i ordered and then we got a oh and i they brought me a cake

at work sure and i had a big slice of cake from suzy cakes and then i we ordered pizza for dinner and i had a couple pieces of pizza all this and sounds good. And then my girlfriend got me an ice cream cake. Oh, snap. A tiny little ice cream cake with mint chocolate chip, my favorite kind of ice cream. Mine too. Oh, it's the best. And then I ate that ice cream cake. And then I ate it.

And I just went and laid in bed and I was just like, what did I do to myself? And now I have three zits. Just for one day. That's 33. Your blood just slowed down. zits. Just for one day. That's 33. There was like one day I woke up and I just saw that

there was a box of hot tamales that had, like a wolf had ripped them apart. Oh yeah, okay. That'll happen in there. I get into my bongs. Things happen. So to determine the order of the draft we play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you. I believe you know the rules. rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you. I believe you know the rules. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ah, David Boyd wins. You can determine the order of the draft. And I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what kind of draft is that?

That is an excellent question. Like, okay, let's say I went to the Sioux Falls airport. And I walked in. And I walked all the way down to the end of the one terminal. Right. And I got to the seventh gate. I was like, you know what? I want a Coca-Cola, but it's already, it's at the way beginning.

I just turned around and walked back. This is the Sioux Falls Airport, by the way, where they only have one place to get Coke. Right. The one place to get Coke. One Coke. Also, for some reason, they have a Fanta stand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are everywhere, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got an RC stand, a F they got an rc stand get yourself a coke go back to the end of the one terminal in the airport bing bong boom and you get yourself a double jameson for nine dollars nine dollars at an airport jameson that'd be like 18 at lax a double jameson so it's uh sort of a back and forth situation i see yeah yeah yeah like it's sort of a back and forth situation. I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. It's a serpent. It's a slithering kind of snake-ish. Yeah. Oh, quick shout out to Danny Cuneo. Is that his name?

Cuneo. Cuneo. Danny Cuneo. Danny Cuneo. Who sent us a bunch of salt and straw ice cream. It was so good. So massive. Shout out to you.

Hell yeah. That was delish lush. Also, shout out to Clay, who brought me a bottle of bourbon in Arcata. Oh, yeah. I did not drink most of it, but it got drank. It was put in there. Yeah. It got drank.

The people that came out to the shows in Sioux Falls, I feel tipped. There were a bunch of people that listened to the show and couldn't get in. Next time, you're the first in. You tweet at me. You get in on the arm oh and also also to sergio that i read i haven't got to read you the email yet david because i wanted to read it to you fuck you man i'll pay you when i get the money it's 80 bucks dude you don't got 80 fucking bucks quit sending your goons to glendale that's a neutral zone kick the door to i'm faster than them once, I'm faster than them all day, my friend. We got street sweepers.

We got hard-ass Armenians clocking the street. We got choppers on deck. You're going to be bummed when I read you this email, David, because you just said, fuck this kid, and you sent us the nicest email that we've ever got. No, I didn't mean it. I was just... I can see the malice in your brow.

We got a jet ski in an apartment pool. You looking at my list don't come look at my list over here i have a i have a shout out as well shout out to the person who said the words that make you sound smart was their favorite episode and also shout out for following everyone on that podcast except me oh see that wasn't a real shout-out. No, that's a passive-aggressive shout-out. Yeah, that was kind of a passive-aggressive situation. It's a shout-out. It's a shout-out. A shot fired. A shout-out.

I shouted out Roscos on Twitter earlier today. Really? And Roscos just shouted back and followed me. That is awesome. Dude, I saw you and LP talk, and I almost threw my phone against the wall. Me and LP will chop it off. You know I have LP's... Stop.

I'm aware. I'm aware. I got a unicorn horn for this. Sean, put your shirt back on. Shirt's off, man. Be lucky if the pants stay on. What's the fucking order, David? Whoa.

You heard me, dude. I'll tell you the disorder is. It's in your tone. Disorder's in your tone right now. You need to get down with the sickness. You need to read a Bible. I'll check my tone. I'll check my tone.

Yeah, man. Tone's checked. Leave that on the curb with the rest of the years. Shout out to Razz Kaz. The rattlesnake at work. Wear a suit next time. The three of us are in suits. Oh, I don't know.

In a suit? You show up here in a body glove wetsuit? The fuck's wrong with you? That's not what kind of suit we wear. What's it, 87? You're out here boogie boarding? Good luck pissing in your suits. I'm about to be boogie boarding all week.

Are you going to get the boogie board down? I'm going to Kauai. Make sure you go on the boogie board side of the beach. I'm going to be. The garden aisle. It's like, I've always seen big dudes boogie board down? I'm going to Kauai. Make sure you go on the boogie board side of the beach. I'm going to be. The garden aisle. It's like, I've always seen big dudes boogie board. Yeah. Yeah.

When we were in Costa Rica, we brought a blow up mattress. And that is fun. Bring that out on the waves, dude. No, you need a boogie board. You can just get a boogie. And they're like. No, I'm saying. It's like two bucks.

It's so much more fun if you get a blow up mattress. Is it? But you can't ride the waves. Yeah, we did. You can't stand up on it, but you can't stand up on a boogie board either. So you think that I just said get an air mattress and exist on the ocean with it?

No, but I mean, that's for pool stuff. That's where it's like there's no motion in the water. No, I'm not a moron. I wouldn't say that where there's waves. You get it and you ride the waves like a boogie board, but it's way tighter. Zach and I are going to fight. I don't think it'll there's waves. You get it and you ride the waves like a boogie board, but it's way tighter. Zach and I are going to fight. I don't think it'll work.

Sean's currently holding two guns. I don't think that works. I was in Costa Rica and it worked. Dave and I left for a second, so we don't even know what happened. That was nuts. Zach and I are making up. I don't even know. I'm just going to pick a draft.

Yeah. I don't even know if I feel comfortable proceeding with the podcast now. Watching two of my good friends tear each other apart in front of me. You know what's going to happen now? Because of your behavior. Tell them. Because of your behavior. Tell them.

I'm first. There it is. Ian's second. Yeah. Zach is third. I'm last because of your behavior. I gave a good suggestion. Is that called me a liar?

And now you're going to get it from both parents. It's not a serpentine draft this time. Nope. That's what you get. Yeah yeah that's what you fucking now it's like an nba draft you want to be a big man all right is that you can draft he called me a liar big man draft that's a fucking t-shirt. Have fun with Mario Hazonia. Yep. What did you say? It was David, me, or David? David made it all confusing.

Yeah, me, you, Zach, Sean Jordan. All right, cool. And with the first pick of the draft, I am going to take something for a billion dollars. I got a billion dollars, right? Yes. Again, to remind the listener, this is what we would do if we had a billion dollars. This is something that I call the Lake Fleet.

Ooh. And what it is. So this is like, in my dreams, I take all these exotic water locations, or these exotic vacations, right? Yeah. One of those is to the lake. I pull up with the lake fleet.

So I have the RV for the land. Okay. Right? I got a houseboat. I got a pontoon boat. And I got eight jet skis. Yeah. And we just set up a city.

Yeah. We set up a lake, like our own lake government. I love that. So we got all this stuff. Because I up a lake, like our own lake government. I love that. So we got all this stuff. Because I've been there, guys. I've been that guy on the lake, your crew. We're fishing from the dock. We're having fun. And then a party barge

comes by and just shits on your whole life. You feel terrible about yourself. You feel so bad. Oh, we got these. We got a cooler full of beers. They're fucking popping bottles on the party barge. They've never listened to music at a reasonable volume. No, dude. It's the party barge.

People are born on that barge. They die on that barge. They're definitely conceived on that barge. Oh, it's a cesspool. And it's the kind of people that party and you're like, you don't know how to party. So you're just like making me anxious. We would have karaoke on the party. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude. But yeah oh dude but the whole point is other people would want to come to the lake fleet we show up to the lake we shut that motherfucker down it's like a russian nesting

doll of fun because you show up in the rv show up and then there's a houseboat so you can take it even further yep and then there's a pontoon in the. Oh, so you take the houseboat in the middle. So there's all these different motherships with all these different little bodies. And don't forget about the jet skis. They do the jet skis. I have a fantasy that the houseboat is sort of pontoon-y where it's got a hollow underbelly and that's where all the jet skis are. And as soon as

you park the houseboat, they just come flying out. Oh, like a garage. Do you remember in Waterworld when they got to the Smokers compound? And there were jet skis skis whizzing that's what i want my shit to be like you know what the garage door should be it's like when you open up a cooler and it's those like blinds those plastic blinds so you could just shoot the jet ski out of the garage so you just oh my god like as soon as we stop and i just, oh man. Can you imagine? Because everything you need is on the houseboat, right?

We got food on there. We got cooking. We put the keg on there. We put all the drinks on there. We got the strawberry kush on deck. It's all on the houseboat. And then everything else, it's just the other tentacles. Maybe get like a blob, one of those blobs.

Oh, those look fun. You know what I'm saying? Yes. So now we have just the lake.olines yeah the lake fleet like it's just like we're coming through we're shutting down when you're when you're on that lake you know what that lake's name becomes it's like international waters oh my god that's what the mouse boat's called no that's what you're called. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! International waters. My shit's like the Great Gatsby. There's just like, I don't know, I was at Lake Havasu.

People kept saying this dude, international waters. I never saw him. I never saw him. I saw a boat that he was allegedly on, but I never saw him. But if I looked at the top corner of the boat by the water slide, I saw a dude with a natty light and a twinkle in his eyes, and I always like to think that was international water.

There he is. International waters himself. You got a vinyl or whatever like that jacket. What is that like shiny kind of jacket called? Patent leather like on the Jordans? Yeah. No, no. Like a baseball jacket almost. Oh, like a varsity jacket? Yeah, but they're like shiny. Vinyl's not the right word. Like that suede or

velour? Let me look it up but you talk about like the shiny suit like the rappers wear no no i want you having like a leather baseball outfit that says what is it fleet squad what'd you say lake fleet lake lake fleet satin a satin jacket oh see what i'm talking about like uh yeah like that or what the vets used to have yes but it says international waters on the back. Yeah, but also still with dragons. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dragons are fired up.

I don't want to presume here, but I can also see maybe in your closet a three-piece suit made out of terry cloth. Oh, man. Because when you're in the water. I'm a man of leisure. A towel-based clothing. Because we're doing all this stuff. Yes. It's just like, yeah, it's like a water city.

I love it. Yeah, dude. I've been watching the netflix original series ozark recently i've heard good things about that it's great and in one of the episodes these teens are having this boat party where they just like have all these boats lined up goddamn teenage uh and create like a lane in the middle so there's like 15 boats lined up one way and then there's like 20 feet of lake in between them, and then like 15 more boats. That sounds good. And in the middle, they're all just floating there in like inner tubes and swimming around. That's perfect.

I'm like, how? People are out there living this life? Man. And I'm never living this life? That's perfect. Right? There was like, in this place in Ohio, we had to drive like 50 miles outside of Cincinnati, but it was an old gravel quarry. So they would explode the bottom of this like man-made lake to get gravel so this thing was like no one could ever hit the bottom it was so deep but you had to cross like a railroad tracks

like over like a bridge you had to earn it kind of stand by me ish yeah but you'd get there and you would like free dive like you could jump off like 80 foot cliffs and like not be scared of hitting the bottom and it was just that was like having that on lockdown for just like a few hours was so much fun dude having the water and your friends is like such a great combo it's such a great combo it's one of the best things in the world uh and to know you have control of who's gonna be there yeah. Yeah, the Lake Fleet. I'm international waters, so it's... Yeah, yeah. Well, no one's stepping up.

No one's going to pull up in their fucking RAV4 and be like, oh, I want to go to the lake too. They'd be scared. So they'd either have to ask international waters if they can join the Lake Fleet. I'm Gatsby in this whole thing. Yeah. You don't get to get to him.

You don't talk to him. You think you can't... The amount of people you've got to go through before you get to international waters And just say words to this magical man Who makes dreams come true You don't talk to the dream maker You go to sleep my friend

You might be in a hot air balloon hovering above the lake Who knows I might be on shore Cooking hot dogs Just looking normal People are gonna be like Yeah my friend David invited me to this thing, this party. And they'll see you and be like, that's my friend David.

They have no idea. They're like, his name's not David. No. And don't look at him. I know. The Lake Fleet. The Lake Fleet. The Lake Fleet, though.

That is my first. Excellent pick. It is. With my first pick, I'm going to while out out and get crazy later but i have to take something sure just so it doesn't get picked by anyone else because if i had a billion dollars i would buy just enough of an nba team and i would have a little bit of sway in the meeting like i don't have a billion dollars is not enough money to buy an nba team outright right maybe one of the shitty ones but even then it wouldn't leave you enough money to have a good time so i'd buy like

a steak and just enough that i'd have a little bit of sway in the meetings. I would buy like a Jay-Z amount of a- That's what I was just going to say. You have say on like uniforms. Yes. A little bit input on there. Concerts that get played at the stadium. A hundred percent.

Yeah, I understand. I want to go to any game I want to go to. I know that's what you want. There it is. I want those courtsides. Yeah. You want to go to. I know that's what you want. There it is. I want those courtsides. You want to be a courtside personality. You're like minority owner and the basketball relations guy.

Yes. I would want to buy 5% of the Portland Trail Blazers. That's exactly where I would want to be. I think that's a great move. Because then you could dress audaciously and show up to games and stuff. You'd be the Mark Cuban I would be

I would get into I would have rivalries with players oh and refs and refs too oh you could get into it with refs oh absolutely

you could Bobby Knight it every now and again you would what are they gonna do ban me for a few games fine ban me for a few games yeah you don't think

I'm coming back to that chair I'd start a beef with Richard Jefferson because he has a podcast too he's so old and wise yeah i know that would you could steamroll paul allen too oh yeah decisions you're like no no this is what we're doing yeah just to sit and like actually jawed a ref would be so fun it would be amazing come on come on

and just not be mean but have him have to explain to you some things. I sat pretty close to the court for a preseason game the other day, and it's real fun. It's real, real fun. You can hear the players yelling at each other. I heard Blake Griffin yelling at one of Portland's assistant coaches. Not yelling, actually. Talking, but in one of those really intimidating ways. You know when somebody has that tone in their voice where it's like i want you to clap back at me yeah because then i'm

gonna come back over the top please say something oh man you know that's the real blake griffin yeah that's the real commercial dude cameras are off dude there's two blake griffins because he there has to be you can't be there's a hundred percent because i've like worked with him a little bit on the side and he's's real cool and nice and funny. And then he gets out on that basketball court, and he's a fucking psycho. I like that. Yeah.

He's like an intense dude. He's got it. I mean, he's got it. He has that outlet for it. You'd hear that about KG and stuff, where they're like, don't even talk to him an hour before the game. Yeah. Like, don't talk to him.

Yeah, KG's not really a nice guy, period. No. Sports are dope dope because you can just be like that there's no other job where it's like oh don't talk to david an hour before the show like you'd be a prick if yeah yeah same with after the show if you're like oh man he's got a cool david's gotta go take his time yeah like you just gotta go to the bar and like oh yeah well not my crowd you don't get to like put put a fire extinguisher through a different fire extinguisher oh god i wish i wish you could break shit after a good set i know because you want to you're a champagne

spray i saw in la there's this it's a room that you can pay and just go destroy shit in it I've heard about these in like Japan too yeah and on the TV show Ballers but like it was on it for a second oh really yeah Ballers is really going crazy it's crazy I'm saying they fucking jump the shark every episode

man so not a lot to say about it but no that's a good move just enough of an NBA team that I can show up, have input on, yeah, definitely on like somewhat on roster moves, but definitely on uniforms. Yep. Chill by the court. Have little friendships

with the players. Yep. I'm going to scream at Reggie Miller every time the game's on TNT. Yeah, you just become, because now you ingrain yourself in basketball. Yeah. Now you're a part of basketball. I understand that. into the tapestry uh zach zack disconti it's time for your first pick all right my first pick billion dollars i'm becoming a recluse yes that's how he opened yes fool howard h Hughes. I did not expect that. I did.

Talk us through what your life would be like. Makes a lot of sense. I mean, it's all private, but- Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. He didn't even want to say private. I'm going to tell you. Next pick. Sean, time for your-

That's my business. You're just in a closet staring at your money? No, I mean, maybe- Okay, so maybe it's just like the outside looking in but i just feel like i'm already kind of reclusive yeah i'm broke yeah you are so i feel like with with if i had riches i would yeah i would just kind of cultivate i like that you call them riches my riches yeah i would cultivate like my own wherever i want to stay and just because i already kind of keep my life at a point where I just try to avoid the

most amount of people I can. Like I just schedule my day around like, okay, most people aren't going to be here then. So I'll go then. So it's like, I'm already have those tendencies and you can be weird as fuck. Howard Hughes pissed in jars and then people had to like take care of that.

I have amazing news for you. You can piss in a jar tonight for free, dude. That's true. I'll get you a jar. I piss in a jar tonight for free dude that's true i'll get you a jar because i didn't want to walk to the bathroom once i'll do it one time for you you just and you would hire like a cast of people is that one of the highlights of this lifestyle well it's just that you can be you can go in any direction you want and as long as you are paying people to be there yeah they will have to be like, that's normal.

I get it. You want to go full tilt. Just like never cutting your fingernails, let the hair grow, let the beard go. You don't need a billion bucks to do it. No, I know. He wants to do it safe. Yeah, and you want to be surrounded by people who allow who like allow you to make these life decisions yes and clean up any messes yes this is a mix-up very interesting where would

you live is that does that factor into you being a reckless at all oh yeah well it'd have to be kind of secluded i feel like i'd have to be in like kind of a fortified place but in nature okay like maybe only helicopters get there okay maybe i just buy catalina okay and that's where i stay you're gonna need more than a billion for that not how there's a place i got a real place you can go you got a hookup so you just want to be like in the woods where it's like really hard to get to you just crazy humanity do the people who are do your how many employees do you envision in this? Do you have a chef?

Yeah, I have a pretty full staff. Do you have a family? Now, recluse doesn't always mean that I'm going to be like Howard Hughes. I can still have parties and stuff. I'm just very selective. So you're more of a Bruce Wayne than a Howard Hughes. But without being bad, if Bruce Wayne's parents never died. If Bruce Wayne's parents divorced. Yeah. he was a brave wayne's parents divorced

yeah oh that's me oh god okay what a different batman we'd have if his parents just got divorced and they weren't dead yeah it'd be a lot more of a one you can't track me down i'm off the grid so you don't know what i'm donating to uh-huh there's no ret like i'm what i'm donating to you want to be this is crazy a reclusive billionaire he just slipped it in you don't know what i'm donating to? This is crazy. A reclusive billionaire. He just slipped it in. You don't know what I'm donating to. You're donating piss to all those jars from what I heard. He's the third Coke brother is what's going on here.

Are you all the rebel alliances? Do your employees speak English? Do they speak to you or not unless they've spoken to? No, no. They can talk to me. In fact, I enjoy conditional relationships. So if they were even, even if they were like mean to me, I'd probably appreciate that. Okay.

Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah. This is so good. But this is me being, you know what I mean? This is, I have enough money to completely be me in whatever way I want. No, this is very interesting. I don't take care of those people. They're staying in the house.

They're well taken care of. Yeah, they're probably sending money back to their family. What's your long-term hygiene like in this situation? Do you ever cut your hair or your beard again, or did that just go crazy? You know what? Whatever you want. Who's to say? Okay. Maybe I go crazy for the first year, and then you start to be like, okay, well, I did that.

Because what I'm trying to suss out is what is it about society that you were running away from exactly it's i think it's more of absolute control if i want to have like a friend over i'll fly them in yeah and then we can do whatever we can go out i'm not opposed to always going or anytime going out but it's just the matter of like i don't have to deal with anyone that i don't want to deal you don't want to have to owe anyone anything including social interaction i mean i'll pay my taxes no i got i'm not coming after you that way i ain't got my hand in the honeypot i'll still be friendly i feel like i think yeah yeah yeah oh yeah just keep it tight for circle you're never gonna jam right now you're a bit reclusive. That's true.

You're always fun to hang out with. I can see that on a larger scale. I would be a white recluse. Interesting. A non-poisonous spider. Sure. Do you guys have brown recluses in South Dakota, Sean? According to my dad, we did. Come to Colorado where we got real spiders on deck.

Shut up, McFarland. I don't know why I'm repping for Colorado. Yeah, we did. Yeah, they were everywhere. Come to Colorado where we got real spiders on deck, bitch. Shut up, McAvrisole. I don't know why I'm repping for Colorado. Yeah, Colorado spiders. Real spiders are. Come to Oregon, dude, where we got Decembrists. Do you even have Decembrists in South Dakota? I don't think so. I don't think so.

No, I don't think we got brown recluses. That's a November-ass state, dog. February. I wouldn't put that on South Dakota. I'm sorry. February is the worst month Yeah probably Valentine's Day man Oh yeah cause that's always

Really fun Whoa February's the worst month Is Jan It's not What do you What do you Black History Month is February sir

Oh Oh Zach's wearing Black History Month KDs Yeah Uh Black History Month I celebrate year round

So everyone We have to beat the shit out of Zach Real quick What's the worst month then? January It's not February or March It's February or March January sucks too

It's new enough But it's also post Christmas If they gave February like four more days Now it's one of the best It's a 32 day month It's crazy I don't turn on until April I don't know June's not. Think about those paychecks coming March, though.

June's not that dang... What? Are you kidding? What are you talking about? Just the first month of summer. It's not the best month. He said it's not that day. It's June, July, or August. I'm just trying to give you guys a little fodder here. Are you, or did you just get caught?

Maybe a little of both. If November didn't have Thanksgiving Day, I would say. I like cold, shitty weather, though. I like winter. That's true. I like all that stuff. He's coming from. He's not coming from.

I do. I like it. People get pissed all the time. Yeah, that's crazy to me. You like it better than? Well, I don't get depressed when it's all shitty and cloudy and I can watch movies. As long as there's like an indoor skate park or something to do. You get depressed.

You have the opposite of weather. No, I don't get depressed when it's nice out. That's not what I was saying. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was just saying that it doesn't, that doesn't like weigh on your head. You don't have of what- No, I don't get depressed when it's nice out. That's not what I was saying. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was just saying that it doesn't- That doesn't weigh on your set. You don't have it.

Yeah. Okay, okay. But yeah, June's better than January, boys. Calm the fuck down. I will say, though, when it- I will not. I will not calm down. Sean is becoming the bad boy now.

Yeah, he is. And he's riling us up. This is a subtle- He's making a subtle, because he's not changing any personality stuff. He's making the subtle shift. So maybe I'm not changing. Yeah. Oh. He's got a little money he's not changing any personality stuff. He's making the subtle shift. So maybe I'm not changing. Yeah. Oh.

He's got a little money coming in. I like it. It's not a complete heel turn. A little coin in his pocket. God, that's what I'm going to do is I'm going to be a fucking dickhead when I'm a billionaire. That's number one. I don't even think I can do it. Oh, well, congratulations on inheriting a billion dollars recently, you fucking dickheads.

What is your pick, Sean? First pick is going to be a shot-for-shot remake of Die Hard. With all my friends, all of us are in Die Hard. Zach's Hans Gruber because he looks like Hans Gruber. And this whole time I was trying to figure out who you two are going to be. But Shane's going to be that Swedish dude that I get in a huge... I'm Bruce Willey. Shane's going to be that blonde dude that I get in a fight with.

Oh, Dolph Lundgren? He's got the long hair. Oh, the small shoes. Yeah, the guy when he hangs him on the chain or whatever. Yeah, the final guy where he comes back at the end. Yeah. Can you just imagine? Who's going to be your wife?

I don't know. I'll do that, man. Nicole. If I get a billion dollars, Nicole's being my wife. Only on set, though, and then Laura's right there. And then Nicole has to watch every day with Laura go home with a billionaire. Who's the guy who's trying to cheat on the wife?

Who does coke in her office? That smarmy dude? Yeah, what is his name? Giles or something like that? Malloy could be that guy. You know the guy who's trying to side with Hans Gruber? Hans, baby! What about... Who is Professor Snape? trying to like shout out to maloy side with hans gruber hans baby yeah what about who is uh who's professor snape oh zach oh yeah no i have a machine now i have a machine girl her

her can i like one of us could be reginald vel johnson yeah he's the cop the family matters wait a minute but someone's got to be the limo driver too oh shit well there's two cops this is the well there's the johnson robinson and al powell you guys can be johnson and johnson not related i'm detective johnson this is detective johnson not related not related that'd be fun yeah i think this is a great idea just think about how fun it would be because if we would all get to we'd all get to shoot a movie we wouldn't give a shit about any money and you know i'd pay everyone very close by too yeah we could do it at nakatomi tower for real and uh we'd just have it for the rest of our lives a shot for shot remake with all of us and die

so the budget when they made it 1988 was uh 28 million dollars okay i feel like what at most you double that yeah so you still well within range even if i end up with like a million dollars left over the way i live my life i'm set you could you that's 100 percent by the way since they already made the movie you can just basically you now know how to construct every shot so you probably make it cheaper like we have to well we have to hire everyone and i'm not vamping up the special effects or anything. We're trying to keep it pretty even where it was. Oh, man. So who's doing the stunt?

I don't know. You've got to get a stunt guy. The fire hose? You've got to get Sharpie to do it. Whoa. Sharpie and Bruce Willis? Yeah. Oh, my God.

No, I'm saying have Sharpie do your stunt. He would love it. That would be... Yeah, dude, I'm Bruce Willis. It would be so funny. It's like this very inside baseball for the listeners, but Sharpie swinging, his body swinging, and then Sean jumps through the window. And they're just not even trying to hide the difference.

Yeah. Yeah. I just... That was the first thing I thought of when we started doing this, and that's like... I just... That's the only thing where I was like, I want to do that. That's something I really actually want to do. Would there be any skateboarding scenes? No.

Shot for shot, strictly. Are there any in Die Hard, my friend? I don't know. No? Asked and answered. Will Shane fall asleep at this Die Hard? Well, he's going to fall asleep when I kill him after we get in that big fight. We took him to a theater to watch Die Hard. In theaters, he fell asleep within five minutes.

Would he admit that? Or is this one of those things that... He'd admit it. He was sawing locks. The whole place heard him. The only part of that movie that isn't action-packed is the first three minutes. The rest of it is just... It's a perfect movie. The first ten minutes, you're just so pumped to see it.

How do you fall asleep? You know what's coming. Who's directing it? Does it even matter if you're just so pumped to see it. How do you fall asleep? You know what's coming. Who's directing it? Does it even matter if you're going shot for shot? Just a capable person? Yeah, I mean, who's the director? The original director has tax problems. Let's have Simon Max hear him.

Let's have Simon Max hear him. Oh, yeah. I don't think he's a director, but yeah, bring him down. He knows what time it is. He can handle it. Does he listen? I don't know. I don't know. Well, Simon can He knows what time it is. He can handle it. Does he listen? I don't know. I don't know.

Well, Simon can listen if I ever get a billion bucks, because I think it'd just be fun to have him on the scene. Yeah. He's a fun guy. I think that is a very good first pick. That's a great pick, John. Spike Lord lasted the first round. What's your second pick? Second pick, and so I think-

The shot for shot remake of Die Hard 2. Shot for shot remake of Major League. If you're going to do a trilogy? Second pick is, I think if I had a billion dollars, I could hook this up. Okay. I would grease my way onto Jeopardy. Oh. And I would make sure that I paid the right people enough money to where at least two

of the lines were completely something I would nail. Oh. I don't want the answers, but I just want to know what the topics are going to be like tony hawk or something like that where i'm gonna get it i feel like that means that you've really thought this out i feel like tony hawk for 900 i think a lot of people are gonna are gonna hate on that that would cost anywhere near a billion dollars but i i really think i'd have to grease a lot of wheels and it's yeah whatever so like a lot of wheels. And it'd be, it's, yeah,

whatever. So like a lot of hush money, like I'm talking, I'm giving, you know, I'll say I just, I'm going to give the writers a hundred million dollars to split, you know,

be like, Hey, that's way too much money. Well, not a television writer. You could only tell you. Not to just match what their salary is for. No way.

Not if you want them to be quiet for the rest of their lives. As an Emmy nominated television writer, I'm telling you, you could get, I don't know how much... I just buy a bunch of different gym memberships. Every gym in the country, just so I'm never without. Yeah. Yeah, I would grease my way into Jeopardy.

I would know at least two of the topics and probably Final Jeopardy, just to make sure. And then I would win Jeopardy once, and then I would have to go up against that dude who's currently playing Jeopardy. Oh, old beard. Who's just dominating. Oh, yeah. I would lose gracefully. So you'd duck him the first round. You said you'd get past one.

Yeah, true. How would I get past that? You'd have to pay him to just be sick. We're going back in time three weeks, and then I'm doing it. Okay. So really you're going to spend your money on a time machine. And you wouldn't have to bribe anyone because you'd know what the topics would have been. Well, now you guys are taking the wind out of my sails here.

Let's focus on the first. You don't have to legal to fix a game show. Is it? Yeah. Have you ever seen Quiz Show? A lot more hush money. It's a great movie. No, I hear that's a great movie.

I don't think I've ever seen Quiz Show. I might actually get high and watch that. It makes sense it's illegal. I might go get high and watch. It should be illegal. Quiz Show, but yeah, it's illegal to fix a game show like that. I mean, I really do think it would take a lot of money to go from A, me sitting in this chair,

knowing who I know, and having the amount of money that I have, to Z, where I just won Jeopardy, and nobody knows that I knew any of the topics or what Final Jeopardy was. There is a lot into that. In this scenario, are you also fixing the other two contestants,

or are you just banning? God, I want a little honor in there. Because what if you get on there and it's like it is Tony Hawk and it's somebody who just also happens to know a ton about Tony Hawk. Maybe I have a little money left over and I just grease him real quick. Just real quick. Yeah, just right there. Like slide him a little note like, hey, man. 80 million bucks.

You shut up. I think you could get your way out of Jeopardy and probably do okay anyway. I mean, thank you guys. That means a lot. Well, I was just me who said it. Yeah, really. Zach looked at his phone so we didn't have to comment whatsoever. You're not a fucking recluse yet, my friend.

Still got to talk to your friends. Still got to talk to us for a minute. So yeah, that's my second pick. Grease my way out of Jeopardy. I wrote down fixing a minute. So yeah, that's my second pick, Grease Your Way Into Jeopardy. I wrote down fixing a game show. Zach, now that you're a recluse, what else are you doing?

Iron Man suit. Iron Man suit. These have to be real? I mean, they gotta be real, right? I don't know, man. Listen, man. Alright, alright, alright. It has to be obtainable for at least a billion dollars. I mean, there are certain things that are like, I want to go, I want to buy the moon.

Sure, sure. That's going to cost you more. Yeah. You can probably buy the, I mean, you could tell some girl at a bar three weeks ago you bought her the moon. You do that for free. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Isn't that what they did in It's a Wonderful Life? Oh, well, I'll buy you a moon. Oh, get her for you a moon. I tell you. Your money's not here. It's in his house. Dave's house. Zuzu's pedals.

All right. Zach Tiscani, next pick. For my second pick. Oh, man. This is tough. Okay, what I would do. Boy, I'm getting crazy over here. I would flip businesses.

And by that, I mean like bar rescue no i'm so glad you asked i'm so glad i would buy let's say bw3s buffalo wild wings buffalo wild wings do people call it real quick what does that third w stand weck there it is b for beef on weck which is a sandwich that they eat in Buffalo, where the original Buffalo Wild Wings was. There we go. It's kind of like a French dip, but with a seedier roll. Roll. With a seedier roll.

I don't know if you're fucking with me. No, no. Oh, that is for real? 100%. That's why people call it BW3s, because it Because it used to be Buffalo Wild Wings and WEC. Yeah. They dropped the WEC when they went national. People call it B-dubs.

B-dubs. I call it B-dubs. That's what I always thought it was called. So I would take B-dubs. All right. I would buy it. And then instead of sports playing on the TV, it would just be Charlie Rose interviews. Yes.

And we'd change the name to BWCs another thing I do you take businesses and just change the whole the whole thing hey guys we're gonna watch the opera then I buy Applebee's and Chili's make them exchange menus and see if anyone notices

so you're franchising okay yeah go on or i'll sell them or whatever but i just like fucking with bit like taking weird bit like a hooters and then making it like a chick filet yeah where it's like you can't show any skin closed on sunday yeah or just like a hooters where it's just like a bunch of dudes in tuxedos who are like maitre d's waiting on you now and all the guys like with big just just so you can just see their dicks outlined perfectly and everyone's like, what the hell, bro? This ain't gonna get me to be a better deer hunter.

They're wearing white spandex shorts and tuxedo tops. Dude, I'm supposed to go hunting geese after these wings and I gotta think about this? I gotta think about your sweet dong. I love this idea. I'm worried that this is gonna end up costing you more than a billion dollars, depending on how many times you do it. Well, I mean, let's just say you get to do it once. I can't imagine buying Buffalo Wild Wings is anywhere close to less than a billion dollars.

In this scenario, just because I'm curious, I'm not skeptical. I'm curious. Do you go to corporate? Are you franchising your own B-dubs? Are you going to corporate and asking what it would cost? Or are you going in guerrilla style, paying off the manager, paying off all the people that work there? Yeah, I like guerrilla. And it's like, hey, just switch all the channels and no matter what anyone says.

Oh, man. I'm sorry, Charlie Rose. I initially thought of, yeah, just kind of going corporate and trickling it down that way but i think you're right i think gorilla is the better way to go yeah i think you go gorilla unit because because all those guys are probably proprietors they don't like own that building outright right just like they're getting paid to manage it and if you just went in you're like hey here's your year's salary yeah here's what i want you to do sixty thousand dollars for everyone but all day and if anyone emails you or faxes you or calls you go ahead and send them my way yeah really like really think about it it would be the funniest thing in the in the whole world to watch it would have to be

you have to do it on an nfl playoff sunday oh yeah dude yeah kinko's now sells ice cream people just showing up with boxes what the fuck do you want ice cream oh we just sell ice cream now yeah we just sell ice cream and also you could even like lower the prices you'd be like yeah the wings a dollar for 30 wings you just have to watch it's only a dollar for 30 but you have to watch charlie rose talk to damien chazelle and you can't there's no tickle orders we got rid of those because we like want to keep people in house come on beers free free waffle fries yeah beer liquor it's all free but there's Charlie Rose and Damien Chazelle

Charlie Rose this is an interview he did with Candice Bergen from 1991 and it is loud yeah they're all playing at different volumes go put a dollar

in a big buck on term see what happens it plays a Charlie Rose interview Charlie Rose they're all at different volumes and they're all you know what the tables are? They're all Charlie Rose tables. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So not stools, they're like those kitchen tables and there's only two seats for everyone. Wow. And none of the TVs are in sync. They're all different shows and they're all different volumes. You don't even know which Charlie Rose you want. Sounds like hell. All the wings you want, though. I'm telling you, you can get hammered.

It's basically like that would be heaven for me i love charlie rose i just watch i would love watching dudes come in i gotta say i would love watching people come in and feel like what the fuck yeah the outside looks the same oh yeah the logo is the same it has like we have direct tv we even put a bunch of trucks in the parking lot yeah yeah still trucks and they just walk in and then it's just Charlie Rose. Still trucking. And they just have to, and maybe just film that and just, that's just for me. That'd be the best.

Seeing people's expressions. I love that. So you still have wings though, right? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's wings in town. $30 for a dollar, man. Whatever we got.

Honest wings in town, baby. 70 flavors now. 70 souses. Oh man. That's an excellent, excellent pick. There we man. That's an excellent, excellent pick. There we go. It's time for my second pick. And when you have a billion dollars, I feel like that's generational wealth.

That means like your kids don't have to work. Your grandkids don't have to work. Sure. Even if you spend a lot of money, even if you just put that money in a bank account, it's going to expound or it's going to just build compound interest, enough money for you to fucking live off of. So when you have generational wealth, you also have something to have, you have to pass

down to your kids and your grandkids and everything. And I want to go old school British style wealth, so I'm doing the following three things. I'm having a coat of arms made for my family. I'm having an official Carmel coat of arms made. Okay.

Yes! I'm having a suit of armor made fitted to my exact body. Yes! Like a tailored suit of armor, basically. Yes, you are! And I'm having a sword made with jewels in the hilt of the sword and in the scabbard, and just like a dope-ass Carmel sword. I'm going to have the armor, a sword, and a coat of arms.

It's going to hang above my house. It's going to be on all my official letterheads, which is another thing I have in this scenario. Oh, my God. And that house will be passed on. Oh, the armor will be passed on. The sword will be passed on. That stuff doesn't even need to move because it's going to be in the house. Eventually, somebody's going to say this is my great great

great great grandfather's armor and sword standing in the corner of the house my you know my great great great great grandson Balthazar Carmel

because it is you know inherited wealth yeah where now where do you where is this crib at oh well we'll get

to cribs later we'll get to southeast Portland the location the location of this crib is in huh is in we'll get to cribs later we'll get to cribs later that this crib is in huh as in all right that's gonna come that's gonna come up yeah this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to

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Oh, no. Zach's on that ass. That is absolutely not a fucking sampler platter. For my next pick, I'll do these three things. No, come on. Those are clearly three hand-in-hand type things. It's ensconcing your family. Yes.

Wow. It is built. If I had to give it one name, it's like it's a British legacy. Okay. A sort of British wealth. A BL. By the way, since you seem to be a novice to the all fantasy editing game, since you're coming into my podcast.

I'm just voicing the concerns of possible listeners. You're obviously out tromping around in the mud and you don't take your shoes off when you walk into my beautiful. Light him up. Heraldic home. Sampler platter was so offensive because he didn't specify the things on that sampler platter. He did not. He was like, it could be chicken wings.

It could be jalapeno poppers. It could be mozzarella sticks. It could be anything, right? I gave you three very specific things that are obviously all related. So related. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Well, fuck me, I guess. Yeah, fuck you indeed. If the Lake Fleet is a, and I'm not Well, fuck me, I guess. Yeah, fuck you and me. If the Lake Fleet is a... First of all, I'm defending you. But if the Lake Fleet was an RV and a houseboat and a boat... So what you're saying is he set a judicial precedent. I'm just saying that these both fall under a well-established law. I feel like my next pick is similar, so I got to fight for it.

I'm not... No, I wasn't against it. I'm just voicing the concerns. I don't think that's a sampler platter i think it's a direct goal it's a united vision yeah that's the thing shane had no united vision there was no united it could be spaghetti it could be macaroni balls it could be anything it could be a southwestern necklace yeah I would love a macaroni ball. That sounds so good. Macaroni balls and spaghetti on a fucking sample platter? Oh, man. I love it.

We just landed on Sean's third pick. Simple food. Sean, it only costs $3. Take a billion. I want it. Before I had to take my sword out of its sheath and let it taste blood, specifically my dear friend Zach Toscani's blood. Well, it was a hot blade.

It cauterized, so I'm okay. We didn't even notice your sword was out of the sheath is how quick you cut a wood. I can't taste the blood. It's an expensive sword. Jewels to the hilt. I have to figure out what my coat of arms would be. The coat of carms, first of all. Oh, the coat of carms.

That might as well be a twitter before we're done it's gonna have a deer up on its hind legs because i'm into that i like that look like the full deer though the full deer see the whole like it's going full thriller yeah it's going crazy it's crazy and sometimes i like when like not it's not the silhouette like it's the actual drawing of it yeah and it's got those crazy eyes and its tongues out. You know, when you see that. Yeah, I understand. That's in one corner, you know, to symbolize the Pacific Northwest. In the lower right-hand corner, it's a little, it's a dragon, but with little Jew curls.

Oh. It's a Jewish dragon. The dreidel locks. Yeah, dreidel locks. It's a Jewish dragon to sort of symbolize both my Jewish heritage. Are you Jewish? 100% bar mitzvahed and everything. You are Jewish.

I am. 100% bar mitzvahed and everything. I had no idea. It's my fiery temper and my Judaism. It's kind of what the dragon represents. The deer is the Pacific Northwest. And then the colors in the other two corners, it's just going to be red and black, you know, because I love the trailblazers.

Sure. And so will all of my progeny. Yeah. I don't care where they move. Listeners, go ahead and just illustrate that for us. Please do. Oh, somebody's got to draw your coat of arms. And then up on the top, there's a little crown that says, I'm with it.

Yeah, because you need, well, you should have some Latin, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm with it in Latin, whatever that is. Et vi tu. Yeah. Et plurius et. Because, you know, whatever we're doing, I'm with it. You're'm with it in latin whatever that is at v2 yeah e clarius it because you know whatever we're doing i'm with it yeah you're still with it yeah and then on top coming out of the crown there's a cherub that looks like me but a baby little cherub one kind of winking at

you so there it is anyone can draw that deer in one corner deer in the upper left dragon in the lower right yeah raised deer crazy tongue red and black in the other two corners crown i'm with it cherub have you ever looked up if you have a family crest not this fucking jew-ass family your boy does do you yeah there's a tuscany one there's a tuscany from? Yeah. From some Italian like- It's got like a knight helmet and I think flowers. Whoa, I like that. It's like white, blue, and yellow. I used to have- I bought a shirt-

It's like you guys were tough artists. Like from Cafe Press. Yeah. Because you could just get whatever generic shit on there. Sure. And I had one like that, but it faded like so quickly. And it's also kind of, I was like, I don't know if I can, if I'm the type of person to wear my own name on a shirt. Yeah, you don't want to i can if i'm the type of person to wear my own name

on a shirt yeah you don't want to be like that guy with the tiscani's do it best t-shirt yeah what is with i've been seeing these targeted ads on facebook yes i saw one with roger federer saying like kings are born in october and i'm like he's clearly not even a tennis big tennis tournament in october it's really cheap there was one though there's so some of those are like wherever you type in it's gonna like add in with the pre-existing so there's one plus weed and then there's a weed leaf so whatever you type in and one time i just typed in carol king shirts and it's there was a shirt that came up and it said carol king and smoke weed and it was a pot design and it was clearly like a prefab like it's putting

that together and i was like maybe that's what i started doing is just finding the weirdest combination of shirts yeah and buying those i like that for you yeah yeah i mean you could yeah i think that's a good move you got a billion bucks you might be able to t-shirt game would go stop pissing in those bottles and come outside every now and again david it's time to find out what your second pick is going to be, if you had a billion dollars. Micah's second pick is, quite simply, I would become king of the mountain. You're already laughing like you're already the king of the mountain. I know, it's so funny. You're standing so much taller than all of us right now

i will explain uh first it's like a multi it's a multi-pronged plan but first i want to buy a part of a ski resort a nice one but not one of the major ones in colorado but way out there like a basin i think is far out just something really far out so i buy i buy i got like you i got controlling stock in it yeah i become a man about the mountain right they know me i it's david who owns the place now i move in i got my house in town right so now i'm a man about town i'm doing my thing now i organize a giant hip hop festival in the mountains every winter. Wow. I got the bankroll.

Kendrick is coming. Yes. ASAP's coming. Fuck you, dude. They're all coming. Snoop's coming. Dre's coming. I got the money.

We do that every year. A-Basin becomes the premier hip hop ski town. Oh, wow. Like in that Naughty by Nature video feel me flow yeah where you just got thugs on snowboards so now i got that and i got the business now i run for mayor of the town because i get obviously and i get my precarious as fuck i get mayor of the town. Now I'm the king of the mountain. I run these mountains. I marry into a Native American woman so our tribes can combine. And we reign forever.

Yeah. Your house is at the end of the street. Yeah. And I'm talking Diddy moves up there. Because you know how Diddy has Hampton parties? Now he's going to have a base of parties. Yeah. Nobody's going to A a Basin party. Yeah, nobody's going to the festivals there.

But if I have the festival there, then Vanity Fair has to have an after party because Drake's here. And by the way, people don't even know that you're International Waters and you're doing this. They don't know that I'm International Waters. They don't know where I'm from. They talk to you about going to parties at International

Waters. And you're like, oh, I've never been. Oh, crazy. You know him and you act like it's a big deal because you want to make them feel good about themselves because you're a good mayor. Yeah. And you don't need to brag. And I'm king of the mountain. Do you have a crown? Here's the thing. Okay.

I let other, I don't acknowledge the king of the mountain name. Everyone, but he's like, yeah. Everybody calls me that. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? And I'm humble. I'm a cool guy. Yeah.

I don't need vanity plates. Oh, dude, you're talking to king of the mountain over there and you just chime in. You're like, listen. But I am I mean? And I'm humble. I'm a cool guy. Yeah. I don't need vanity plates. Oh, dude, you're talking to King of the Mountain over there, and you just chime in. You're like, listen, I'm not the king. But I am in the wintertime. It's not all that. I am wearing a fur to the floor everywhere I go. I feel like you have that snow leopard fur. Yeah.

You know, with the spots and stuff? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The white with the black spots. Like a snow leopard that I tracked on my property. Yeah, absolutely. With like a blade. You raised it.

Because I married that native woman oh yeah they taught me to snow leopard hunt you know some crazy shit i'm i'm mr mountain you in if there's enough snow around i could be talking to you hear a noise behind me turn around turn back you're gone oh yeah oh yeah you know mountain shit and i know mountain shit i can just i can just kneel down like walker texas r and pick up the dirt, put it in my mouth and say, a plane crashed here. Oh, sure. 1942, 44. So that would be pretty dope.

Yeah, I would love to be king of the mountains. Zach, is that okay? Be king of the mountains? His pick? Yeah. Oh oh he's coming he used a word that i like multi-pronged i was in at that point yeah yeah that was i mean that's like the you know when i get a multi-pronged meal it's a sampler platter yeah so what's what's the Okay. Okay. That's excellent.

Migos could play the festival. Migos could play. Because we know from the white t-shirt. From the white. Now they have their gear. They're wearing that. Yeah. And then what's going to do if they all play the festival? You don't think Cardi B is going to just hit the slopes because I gave her this cabin?

100%. She's got. Because, you know sponsorship now we got fox or whatever ski companies whoever makes skis now they got a bodak yellow yeah they got a bodak yellow custom skis the cardi b's now people are seeing the cardi skis the cardi skis now people are seeing signature ski boots yeah now people are seeing that shit on the internet i wanna i wanna be cool like these people. It's the new Turks and Caicos,

dude. Do you have a name for the festival? Not yet. Okay. It would've been like if fucking that Ja Rule festival would've worked. Yeah. That's what you're talking about. But in the mountains. Ice Fest. Because also in the mountains, like, you know, sometimes it would come down to, like,

you know, mountain law. You know what I mean? Well, you're the deciding factor. Exactly. Looks like we're going to have to eat some motherfuckers. Mountain law? Yeah. King of the mountain.

I love that. King of the mountain. That's excellent. King of the waters and your king of the mountain law. You have like an army, navy. Yeah, and we'll see if it's the Air Force. Oh, boy. Listen, guys, I got some more plans for my

international life of leisure david you're the uh you're the king of the mountain but let's take a moment now to acknowledge the king of this podcast our wonderful sponsor today's episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by harry's a great shave at a fair price and i've been using harry's since before they were a sponsor of the podcast, actually. So this is pretty nice for me. I don't know if you're like me. I like having, like, a smooth face. I like having, like, a clean-shaven face.

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Offer code all fantasy. All right. Back to the podcast. Welcome back to the podcast. Once again, big shout out to Harry's. Thank you so much. I really do love the product. I use it. It's the best. All the shouts. You're in the bathroom. You see it in there. Dude, you out to Harry's. Thank you so much. I really do love the product. I use it. Oh, dude, it's the best.

All the shouts. You're in the bathroom. You see it in there. Dude, you know how I live. I fuck with it. Staring at your dank shit. I wish that was mine is all I think. It can be. I mean, you heard. It's a big part of the deal. It can be. It's very affordable. I did hear it. I did hear it. We are now in the third round. David, it's time for your third pick, the first pick of the third round.

Look at me third pick i would buy a jungle island lair all the bad guys of the 1950s oh yeah and it would just be like tucked away like secret like cave's mouth open yes get in there. Like a Dr. Evil. Like a lair. And you got all the lair shit. So you come over. I'm like, guys, it's been a tough life.

Let's just have a weekend. Let's get away to the lair. I'm talking grenades. I'm talking flamethrowers. I'm talking sharks with lasers on them. Like all that shit. There's dudes running around With machine guns

All over the place All that bad guy shit dude Like you can just All have henchmen That you can just beat up You know Whatever you want to I can't pick it now obviously

But one of my picks Was just gonna be Drug dealer shit And that's kind of What you're talking about It's like what would I do Cause I would definitely Have some crazy animals

Like just like a white lion That just I've raised from birth and it only likes you it only likes yeah well it knows me we drink everything out of uh coconuts and whatnot yeah just an island island lair sure i think would be pretty cool yeah dude all the fun stuff you could do island i got a few places i think we could get away well and that's where that's when the lake fleet is not on said lake they're hanging out at the island. David, you've become the best Bond villain.

I think so. This is just all the things. I think that it would be most likely on Banana Island off the coast of Sierra Leone. Oh, so you've looked into this? I've looked into it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Are you writing the screenplay for Kingsman 3 right now? But also, that is also because Sierra Leone not doing so good in my home country. Sure. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you writing the screenplay for Kingsman 3 right now? But also, that is also Castillo not doing so good in my home country. Sure. That is also an economy. I employ people. People got to build it. They got to man it. They got to keep upkeep.

So it's like I'm also bringing jobs back into the community while having the best vacation home ever. I'm on privateislandsonline.com right now. What are you looking at? And like I'm saying, you can get 110-acre island, Rongyai Island in Thailand, 160 million. Oh, my God. Really?

So then I still have 840 million to build my lair? So reasonable. That is so reasonable. Do you want to buy a Greek isle? Yeah, I would like that. Oh, man. Dilichium Island off of Greece, 1,335 acres, $44 million. Dude, that's not even crazy.

No, it's not. Greece is, yeah, that's cheap property right now. You know what I want, though? I want a very wooded. It needs to be jungly. Well, maybe I can interest you in a Bahamanian island. Looks fairly wooded. Darby Island, 554 acres.

It has three lakes on it. Oh. $39 million. That's Lake Fleet, dude. They're there. Oh, shit. That's Lake Fleet Home Base. That's Lake Fleet Home Base.

I'm trying to. I think. Because the thing is, I was going to have another one that was Ocean Fleet. You're going to be like Captain Ron out there. But that's not fair. David, I found your island, dude. Where is it? It's in Fiji, South Pacific.

Shit, yeah. Because that's way, it's very jungly. Look at this thing. It's 3,085 acres. Oh my gosh. 26 million. But look at that shit. Dude, it's only 26 million?

Why aren't people doing this? I don't know. There are people that have more expensive shit i would 100 in los angeles than that island i would buy that island why would i not have an island can you imagine i mean i mean it would take a long time to build the layer right because you have to bring but you're also i'm just gonna say it you're getting you're paying for south pacific labor it's a lot cheaper. It's going to be a little cheaper. You're cutting corners. You're almost making money buying this island.

The island's going to pay for it. Don't get me wrong. The island's going to pay for itself. You cut so many corners that your house is round now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the round mound of the island. I'm just saying, dude. I think it sounds perfect.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it is. And then we can all, whenever we want, just come hang out at the lair. Dude, because here's the thing. I'm already international waters. I. Yeah, I think that- And then we, I mean, you know, we can all, whenever we want, we'll just come hang out at the lair. Dude, because here's the thing. I'm already international waters. I'm already the king of the mountain. I'm not at this island all the time. You're having a rough time?

Yeah. Okay, Sean, you marry Margot Robey. Yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah. Right? That's part of the deal. You guys have a kid. He's having a tough time.

Doesn't want to, doesn't want to, doesn't look up to his American father. Thinks, you don't tell him what to do.'t want to doesn't want to doesn't look up to his american father thinks you don't tell him what to do you want to take him out to my island give him a time i have a man's weekend we're gonna take a flamethrower you guys bond we're gonna take a jet ski from san diego to wherever that island is yeah i bet he's never seen his dad like a week long death week long because i got dudes on the payroll i bet he's never seen his dad kill a man they will be fought to the death i bet those dishes are done when you come home yeah it'll be like surviving the game or the game was that ice tea movie anyway where they hunt a human anyway i don't know i'm so engrossed in this island website it's not as crazy as you would think

i just don't understand how you buy it are you buying it from that government well you got to find out who i don't know who's telling me you buy a canadian island i don't know i want an island that'd be fun it's in muskoka ontario woodmere island i just don't want a cold island that would be kind of you can have a fucking icy you could just have heaters on dude Dude, I really think you could build a compound for so cheap. It just, man. Sure. If I had 20, because I would rather, I would stay in my house that I live in in Highland

Park right now if I knew I just had an island cooling out there for me. Who cares? I'm building an island. I think our friend Nick Nanpay has an island. Are you serious? In Micronesia or his family has an island or something like that oh man i'll text him and have an answer before the end of this podcast about a year ago my mom called me and she was like hey like a one of my uncles died and we inherited two acres in kokomo

and i was like what wait hold on mom what and she was like yeah i'm probably just gonna sell it and i was like kokomo kokomo's real kokomo and she was like and she was like yeah kokomo what's the big deal and i was like you'll get there faster than you'll take it slow like the beach boys song kokomo and she goes no kokomo indiana i was like well don't call that kokomo you say indiana we inherited two acres of indiana oh my god what a letdown you're going crazy well because i also wikipedia kokomo it's less than two acres so it's like we own all of it we own more than kokomo the toscanis are going to kokomo the toast kokomos man that but yeah i think that an island, because it's like, what are you going to do to me on my island?

Nothing, dude. No one's touching you in any of these places. I got island cops. What are you talking about? Island cops. I got machetes and no shirts. Yeah, I can do whatever. And I know, by the way, whatever I want isn't crazy.

I'm just talking about like illegal fireworks. We're probably drinking. I'm not just trying to like kill anybody. I imagine us drinking 40s and like you guys smoking weed on this. Also fireworks. Yeah. Four wheelers. Remember that skateboard track setup that they had in Hook?

Yeah. Where Rufio was hitting it up? So this is what I was going to ask. Is your place more like a Robinson Crusoe type island place? Like it's made of materials on that island? Or is it like a futuristic, like probably mostly glass and metal? I kind of want a futuristic, but what they thought in the 60s. So I want it to look like that place.

Gotcha. Retro-futurism. Retro-futurism. So back in the, like the Jetsons, you know what I mean? Yeah. All right. Buying an island. I texted Nick

and I was like, doesn't your family own an island or something? And he says, it's an atoll technically, but yeah. But he says, I guess an atoll

is an island or atoll, whatever. How much does an atoll cost? I might be able to get one of those now. Let me go to private atolls online.

I bet it doesn't cost that much at all. Everybody got it. Everybody got it. Everybody got the joke. Everybody listening got the joke. And that's who I care about. I have to apologize to Harry. That might be my favorite moment

of the podcast your product is so solid it's so great you had to be on the podcast now everyone that was gonna buy it just threw up all over the sponsor the podcast was sean everybody got it he says everybody got it Everybody was laughing so hard they couldn't talk. It was nuts. Ian's still laughing. He's not grimacing or anything. Oh, man. But yeah, so that's my third pick.

Sleep under my roof. So I'm responsible in a way for that. You're putting it out in the world, my friend. Not that much at all. Or atoll. Not that much atoll. I feel like you think that going back to the well is going to fill the cup.

It's not dead quiet. It's sand and snakes in that well. The glass is broken. The well is poison. Wait, you never fucking welded a glass back together, my friend? No. You put the mask on and you get to work.

So here's why, it's time for my third pick. And with my third pick, I'm going to, tell me, I'm going to get, I'm going to get into insane shape.

And by that, I mean, I'm getting, is that on there, on your list? Damn, that was one of mine too. I'm going to, I'm getting... Is that on there? On your list? Damn, that was one of mine too. I'm gonna get the best trainers you can get. Like the people who train... Like the D'Angelo's.

Yeah, I'm gonna get the D'Angelo muscles. It's like you're reading it, dude. Fucking dietician. Dieticians. I'm gonna have them test me and be like, oh no, you should be eating this kind of food. I feel like you could get there in like two years if you had a billion dollars.

You could do amazing shape in two years. You could do those like cryo chambers so you could work out two times a day. A hundred percent, yeah. You're gonna have one of those weird masks on that all the dudes at the 24-hour hyperbaric chamber. I would be on a controlled amount of HGH and steroids. Like just enough to work. Yeah, just enough to like do...

And like that good, the 400%. It's the new shit, the clean. The good shit. guess i get new blood all the time i'd be having like new blood and i probably like uh play like transfer a little bit yeah yeah yeah blood spinning and like high yeah just optimal optimal optimal carms and then just i just be in crazy shape yeah optimist carms optimist carms dude of course i've always wanted just to walk up to the best like dietician chef combination in the world and hand them a plate of celery and vegetables and be like, I want this to taste like buffalo wings. Make it happen.

Exactly like buffalo wings. Well, this was an argument I had. A billion dollars won't even get that done. Yeah, people will shit on how chicken nuggets are made from pink goo. But it's like you took that and made it taste like chicken. How can you not taste? Shout out to you. Yeah, soy tastes like anything good.

There's good soy wings. I've had great seitan wings. Shout out to City O' City. Oh, yeah. City O' City, Denver. The vegan wings at Fire on the Mountain in Portland are good. They're good i know you won't let me get away with that but i swear i've eaten them and they're good

i haven't eaten them i haven't tried them i haven't tried them because i've had good i haven't tried them but fire on the mountain is fire shout out huge to them that was a regular lunch spot it's it's still it's like last time I flew to Portland, that was my first spot after I got off the plane. Yeah. But yeah, just to get. I was just getting to amazing shape. I would be running up mountains and shit like that. Can you imagine just being one of those people who's like, hey, all my friends are running a marathon tomorrow.

I'm just going to do it with them. Yeah. How'd you train? Nah, I don't know. You would basically live out all the training sequences from Rocky IV. From Rocky. I would have someone follow me around and just be like, don't eat that. I'm like, you're right.

Because you know what happened the other day? I was like in the office kitchen and this guy – and Jason who cuts James' hair and he'll occasionally cut our hair was like – I was in there with him and we were just talking and I reached for like – I don't even know what. Like something that wasn't good for me. Like some chips or something like that. He was like, you don't want to eat that i'm like you're right i don't he's like here have some of these have some almonds i was like i do want almonds and then i felt good but like my impulse was like to get the chips it's crazy when somebody tells you yeah because all it doesn't take a lot and you're like you're right you're 100% right if you had a chef who is just preparing the meal so it's like you don't even have to think about what you're going to eat. It's just there.

It's just done for you. And they're like, hey, we optimized this meal for you today. I was at Blake Griffin's house, and he, like, the chef was just hanging... I can't even tell if you're joking. No! I was at Blake Griffin's house, and the chef was there just, like, making the food, making food for the day.

She was just put out, like, there would be just, like, a snack available, and it was like, well, what's the occasion? Well, it's making the food, making food for the day. She would just put out, like there would be just like a snack available. And it was like, well, what's the occasion? Well, it's just like a snack for in-between meals, you know, and it's like this really healthy, like protein and lettuce kind of thing. It was so delicious. And it was just hanging out there.

Someone on a podcast, I think it was like this writer, Kenya Barris, was talking about when he went to Will Smith's house and they had a menu and they had quail eggs on the menu. How are you just going to have quail eggs in the house? In the crib. They could go bad. They could. He just bought those.

They have new quail eggs every day. I've got to go out for new quail eggs. Oh, my God. God, that's buck. Yeah, I feel you. Just get shredded. Not even like shredded, but just perfectly in shape. And that comes with being shredded.

But also get shredded shredded why wouldn't you get oh yeah of course but I'm just saying like you're just like fucking Chris Evans or something I want a sweet ass yeah I want a sweet ass too I can't imagine taking my shirt off and being like and actually with

confidence looking at a woman like what do you think yeah I'm in look shirt off and being like, and actually with confidence looking at a woman like, what do you think? Yeah. Look at me. I'm in. Look at this. Because now whenever I do that, they're just like, well, you're pretty funny. So we're going to let it happen. Good one. I wonder with great power comes great responsibility.

Oh, absolutely. Like, I feel like you could go really wild. It would take actual self-control. Yeah. Which you would develop over a year or two absolutely i don't know if i could do it in two years i'm joella beat at rihanna i think just like hey i got muscles now yeah yep tiscani's time for you a third pick. All right. Third pick. I am forwarding and I am going to use all my money, power, influence to pass a bill. Okay.

That instead of mandatory military service, everyone has to work two years in the service industry. Everyone in the United States has to work in the service industry. Wow. I feel like that's just going to make us a better country. Sure. People are going to be less shitty at restaurants. Everyone's going to understand traffic. A little more appreciative.

A little more appreciative. One of my pet peeves was when people are mean to service people. Oh, I can't stand it. I hate it when people are snooty or they just talk down. Oh, I don't like it. What's fun is being in the situation when you're a customer and you see another person, like a customer being shitty to an employee.

Yeah. I can speak up because I have nothing on the line. Oh, God. So you can just be like, hey, don't talk to them like that. They're a person. Yeah. And you get to be right. Oh, yeah.

The worker's going to be like, thank you. I can't do that. I would be fired. I don't get on my soapbox a lot, but you get me in an airport where someone's yelling at someone for a flight being late. I just had to do it the other day my shit got canceled or it was late and this girl standing right in front of the the girl working united and she turns around to me she's like i don't even know why the fuck it's so late they didn't even fucking tell us and i was like you need to chill out and i just looked her dead in her eyes and said that

you said that to a stranger yeah and she was shocked she couldn't believe it because she was swearing at this poor girl and i'm like she did you think she made the plane late but yeah she just looked almost looked at the ground afterwards and i'm like yeah that's like lady really a i mean i hate to use the word like uh just like a break like a friendship breaker but if i see someone being like always like mean to service industry people it's like you're just a terrible person yeah i can't i can't there's it's there's a disconnect between me and it's usually people that have never done it so they have no idea like and also like even if you haven't done it you got something you got something on the tongue i've never i'm not rude to service industry people but but if somebody sucks, I'm not going to be like –

That's different. Yeah. Because I have – I've worked like several years in the food service industry. And like if somebody is terrible, I'm not going to be – I'm not going to like suck up to them or like – No, it's not at all. It's you cursing at them. Yeah, no. Yeah, I wouldn't curse them.

I've gotten pretty angry at airports though. Have you never like – No. Okay, here's't curse them. I've gotten pretty angry at airports, though. Have you never, like? No. Okay, here's the exact scenario. I was flying back from Portland to, it should have been to Burbank. I remember. And I had a first class flight. And then they got rid of, they switched us to a plane with no first class and then just

gave me a new seat and i was like wait don't i get some money back or something like that and they were like no we just you know this just happens sometimes it's in the contract or something like that and then like wait then you got then you almost got fucked out of your seat because it was first class i almost got fucked out of my seat on this new plane yeah because my original one was first class and they're like well we don't have a seat for you on this plane now yeah and i was like excuse me i i went from having paying not doing the cheap upgrade i went out of pocket and like paid for an actual first class thing and then to having no seat on this new plane and i would i was i was shouting at a person behind the desk because that's the face that the corporation puts out there. I would have loved to have found Alaska Airlines CEO,

you know, and interrupted his beautiful fucking Caesar salad or whatever he was having and let him have it. No, I can't. I was having steak. That was such a, they dropped the ball so badly that I was like, you, I wasn't like, I wasn't like, you're a fucking idiot, but I was like, you guys are going to fix this. And there isn't a scenario where I'm not back in Burbank today. I don't care what you have to do, but like there's not a situation where you guys messed up and like took away my seat on this plane. Right.

And like – Did they fix it? They did fix it. they did fix it fix it yeah because that's also the way you get stuff right yeah now i'm yeah i'm not this recluse and that's not pro-corporation i'm not yeah yeah i'm not saying all the time you have to agree with i'm just saying like i feel like there are so many people that don't tip or don't tip well there are terrible people yeah i think like i remember getting arguments i just think 20 should be standard i think if everyone i yeah well i mean depending

if even if we're gonna open up a whole thing i mean if i if it's just well you know i tip you shouldn't have to tip someone for uh bad service the tip is for going up you're getting good service but the tip is also i think 20 is rigged against it. Tip is even for fine service. I always tip. I've never not tipped in my life. I mean, not in California, but I don't know how it is in Oregon. But in Colorado, they make like two bucks an hour. Like, you have to tip. Yeah. In Oregon and

California, you get minimum wage and then tips as well. I've seen, like, being a bartender. They must really kill it. Yeah. Being a bartender for a while, you see people work and they just assume that they're going to get tipped for like grabbing a beer and opening for somebody. And so they fall down to this level of mediocrity and that's where tipping can go awry. I worked at like a fine dining restaurant and it was Valentine's Day. So it was like Valentine's Day, nice restaurants.

They're always going to do like there's not a menu. They have a select menu for that night. Fixed menu. Fixed menu with like champagne and shit. So I had this table and it was clearly like they were on one of their first dates or second dates. It was like a new thing. I did adequate service. It was busy as shit.

But I didn't like fuck up anything in particular. I didn't really make any mistakes. And they tipped me nothing. up anything in particular i didn't really make any mistakes and they tipped me nothing and i remember i was so glad i didn't work at a chain restaurant because my manager was like hey what happened because he saw my my face and i was like they didn't tip me and he goes did you fuck up anything like no i didn't i don't think so and he went outside and was like hey excuse me sir how was how was everything and the guy was like yeah it was really good i'll like definitely come back right in front of his date.

That's really funny because you didn't tip anything. Wow. And the woman was like, you didn't? I couldn't have been more happy. That's poetic justice. I would just to see the dynamic of that dude being like, oh, I mean, no, I was gonna. Yeah, the guy I think was like, oh, I think I forgot to.

Like, fuck you. That meal was more than you wanted to pay anyway. Yes. That's exactly what you were like. And there's just stuff that people, I feel like if you just worked a little bit in restaurants, just even having some of the nomenclature, like if you're like, oh, you're in the weeds, huh? The server's like, all right, this guy knows kind of what it's about. Right, right, right.

Or like, yeah, you're going to run out of stuff. If you show up at 9.30 and we close at 10, we're not going to have everything. I like to ask for a, when I show up, a two-top. So they know, you know? Yeah. Yeah, you know you're in it. Yeah, yeah.

It's like when you go to a carnival and you say, hey, brother, I'm with it, and you knock shave and a haircut. 100% what that's like. Yeah, the carnies give you the good toys. It's the exact same situation. When I worked at P.F. Chang's in Torrance, California I had a table that was like

it was two women they came in and they they were two women seated at a four top so a four person table anyway and they proceeded

to sit there it was like a Friday night you know a lot of turnover ideally and you make your money for sit there. It was like a Friday night. You know, a lot of turnover, ideally. And you make your money for the week, you know, on like a good Friday. And they camped there for like three hours. Oh, that's so frustrating.

And got like a bunch of drinks and like a bunch of food. But they kept like sending the food back, like, you know, like not all the dishes, but like a couple of the dishes. Really? Yeah. They thought there was something wrong with it kind of thing?

Yeah. And they would be like, and I was meticulous. I would write down, because I knew I didn't have a good memory for that kind of thing. So I would write down every order. Because before that, I worked at the old Spaghetti Factory, where you're like, you have like 15 person tables. So I just got in the habit. Pasta.

All right. Pasta for you. But you would be all these different kinds of different pastas. So you'd write down everything. I was meticulous and they would like send back stuff saying like that that's not what they had ordered.

They were getting you ready for the okey-doke for sure. They were. And I was like, every time they did it, I was like, I was like, I know in my head,

I'm like, no, you didn't. I know exactly what you ordered but I was like, oh, I'll get that for you right now. So they were there for like three hours, took up one of my four tops

for that long. It was, it ended up being like $180 or something like that between the two of them with all that they drank and all the food. And a P.F. Chang's. A P.F. Chang's. Two of them. Two people. And they left and they didn't leave any tip.

And I walked – before they left – this is an out-of-chain restaurant. I walked up to them. I was like, was there anything wrong with your service and they were like well the meal you know you brought out

the wrong food and like and like it just wasn't very good service it was great service I was a really good waiter it was great service

and I was like alright great okay well I'm sorry about that you know and they left and I went back

and started bussing their table and I found the woman's sunglasses on that table and I was like I just like dropped them right in the bus bin and i went to the kitchen and i snapped them threw them in the garbage and then put all their like garbage on top of it so no one would find it and then she came back and she was like i think i left my sunglasses here i was like oh i bust your table i didn't see any sunglasses and she knew exactly what it was. Yes.

She knew exactly. I was like, I'm sorry. I'll go look. Let's go check Lost and Found. Sunglasses. Sunglasses. I don't recall seeing any of those. No, I saw a wishbone that I snapped in fucking half on the table.

I saw one of those. It felt so good. In Ohio, people used to come in on, oh, the worst was to work on a Sunday, like a Sunday lunch, because it's the church crowd, and those people would just leave prayer cards instead of tips. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. We said a prayer for you, and you're like, go. Just go to hell. Yeah. Just go to the place you're trying to avoid.

Cool, so I'll just pay my rent with a prayer this week. Yeah. Yeah, this month. Yeah. Yeah. This month. Yeah. And I remember one guy trying to get a discount. He was like trying to get his meal comped because he's like, my server wasn't paying

attention to me when he was singing happy birthday to another table. That's bananas. Yeah. That's like you came in here and didn't have money to pay for food. So you're just going for anything. You're looking for anything. You have a fake ice cube with a fly in it. You're going to put your drink.

Whoa. Somebody took a poop in my spaghetti and I didn't notice it until the very end. There is a full poop in here. I don't know what's sick for you to take a full poop. I ate most of this spaghetti and here I am to find a full poop in this spaghetti and a whole broken 40. This is why I eat at Bennigan's. What are we on third pick uh we're on your third and fourth yeah well we'll expedite it pep up that fifth round will be a uh so my my third pick is going to take uh willie wonka's chocolate factory and make it real is what i'm gonna do you want to

kill kids no well except for that i that. I want everything in the chocolate factory to be real. That whole candy arena that they get to go into, all that's real. All of those rooms. The fart room or the burp room. The wallpaper that you lick. Yeah, the room where they fart up to the top. The snowsberry wallpaper. The chocolate river.

The indentured servant. Yeah, don't forget the sugar slaves. I mean, there's a shrink ray in there that's going to have to be real. There's like a TV shrink ray that's going to have to be real. There's that thing. Oh, yeah. There's that terrifying boat ride. I mean, if we're being honest, it's actually just that one room that they go into with all the candy.

You want the room? Oh, like the chocolate lake and stuff? Yeah, where they walk in, the first thing they see, and they're just like, whoa, this is fucking. You want a candy room. everything's edible that is awesome when he runs up and like bites into those big flower things or the tea cup yeah he like drinks the tea and bites the cup like what in here is edible everything's edible you can eat yeah just like a room in your house yeah and he just lets him go just lets him go nuts i just think i would have someone chumming the chocolate river with other candy.

Oh, to get baked candy. Yeah, baked candy. I got baked candy. Oh, that would be your fishing for gummy sharks. Oh, and then we'd have jellyfish, obviously. That we're wishing for. With our gummy worms and our chocolate river.

Also, is this a working factory the way Willy Wonka's was? I mean, that we're wishing for with our gummy worms and our chocolate river. Are you, also, is this a working factory the way Willy Wonka's was? I mean, I was kind of just focused on that one room. So you just wanted that, okay, cool.

I mean, yeah, I'd love it to be. No, I'm with you, dog. That's awesome. All you need is an edible room. Well, as I was saying it, I realized there's a TV shrink ray that we can't,

can't make real for a billion dollars. Yeah. So I don't know if I can have the whole thing. I want the whole thing. Yeah. So I don't know if I can have the whole thing. I want the whole thing. Right. But I don't know if that shrink ray.

Fizzy lifting drink is also very, that seems impossible. That would be hard. You know, I'm no. You'd have to throw a lot of money in that tank. I'm not a scientist. You're a scientist. I'm a scientist of humor. Don't be so hard on me.

You're a humble country scientist. I'm a doctor of the joke. You're a scientist. And I think that there might be some way for them, people to make that happen. There's not. People to float in like a vacuum chamber. No, no, no, no, no, no. Some sort of situation.

Sean's pulling out all the terms he has. Well, if there was some sort of vacuum chamber. We got like an apparatus of some sort and just hypothesized a thing or two. And maybe tried to- If it was all cute angles. How would you feel about the dichotomy of that room? Well, we'd try to wriggle in some sort of, I can't even, erudition. And then, you know, it would be fairly hyperbolic.

What if you could put a fan on the floor and do those like flying squirrel suits? Oh, yeah. You solve mysteries. That's like a thousand bucks, I bet. Sure, that's easy. I mean, we want lightweight ones. A lot of Kevlar, too. That's great. That's like a thousand bucks, I bet. Sure, that's easy. I mean, we want lightweight ones. A lot of Kevlar, too. That's great.

What's your fourth pick? My fourth pick is going to be... So, you know how people go on safaris and they shoot crazy amazing animals, tigers and things? Of course. So, my fourth pick is going to be greasing enough wheels to have them, when they check their guns at border check, to have all the border agents their guns at border check yeah to have all the border agents just give them blanks and then i get to go on the safari and see all these people try to shoot these animals with blanks and they don't ever get to do it and i get to see how pissed

they get because they can't kill these amazing animals so i'm saving it's nothing funny about it that one was pretty deep i love it yeah that's great i just think the look on like some dude's face who thinks he's gonna shoot a tiger and just unloads a clip of blanks. And then the tiger kills him. And then he just has to either go home in a fucking six by two or just goes home not having killed a tiger and feels like way less of a person. I'm imagining that scene in Tremors when it busts through the basement and if all those guns were just filled with blanks. Oh, yeah. Goddamn.

Every now and then there'll be a video or like a news story where it'll be like a poacher was trampled by an elephant he was trying to kill. And it's just like fuck yeah. What the elephant? How come he was trampled by the elephant? Maybe the elephant was sticking up for itself and killed the thing that was going to murder it. There's nothing whacker

about being proud that you killed a fucking beautiful animal it's such a loser that's dumb i hate it because it's like my gun's a dick but also this dead animal's a dick yeah everything's a dick i mean like i got all these dicks on this trip fix yourself if you ran into it if you ran into a tiger walking down labrea and it was going to do something to you yeah you killed it with your bare hands yeah good on you no if you can shoot the fair ones with a tiger, you deserve it. I'm not saying that. We conquered animals already.

It happened. What are you proving? We can outthink them. We don't need to kill them. This isn't Ghost in the Darkness. Also, do they take the animals back or do they kill them, take a picture, then leave? Some of them take the animals back.

There's that fucking picture of Eric Trump or whatever holding that elephant tail. God, oh, you just want to strangle him with it. Imagine how less of a man he would feel like if he just shot a bunch of blanks and didn't get to and had to go home and be like, Dad, I didn't kill the elephant. Well, nothing's going to fill the hole he's trying to fill with elephant flesh. An elephant couldn't fill that hole. He's a human blank. He is.

Yeah. He's just out here shooting nothing. So, yeah. It's just so whack. Get a different hobby, you fucking mooks. Jesus Christ. Tiny dick syndrome or something. You could set like a can of football field away, and if you shot that with a rifle, I'd

be just as happy. Sure. Shooting guns is fun. I'm not going to sit here and be one of those i don't personally own guns and i never i never will unless you're one of my haters in which case i got a gun on me right now i got a roscoe and i got a guy outside your mama's house except for those two guns that you take to the gym every day absolutely yeah the caliber is getting bigger every day every day but i shot guns before it's fun i get that i'm not talking shit about that and everything, but like,

okay, you gotta go kill a fucking water buffalo while water buffalo's got enough to worry about. It's like, I gotta find grass and I gotta not get eaten

by a leopard. Every time I take a water, I might get my face ripped off by an alligator. And then on top of it, Clint, the dentist. Yeah,

how does that make you tough? You did it in the wackest way. In the wackest way. You were on top of a jeep i paid someone oh yeah remember when the ancient hunters drove their jeeps around with their projectile right i paid someone with all the expertise and me having none just followed them along yeah they did all the work clint get a divorce you're not happy yeah get a divorce you know she doesn't love you get a condo get a fucking drop top what

i get a miata date some new girl you know try to stay in your kids lives but i'll go kill a fucking zebra and the zebra is like oh my natural predators it's like a well lion and tiger sometimes hyenas and then uh a billionaire yeah yeah venture capitalists it's not even some of them are billionaires yeah it's also dentist money. Jimmy Johns used to do that. Yeah, the Jimmy Johns guy. Yeah, Jimmy Johns was big into that. We don't fuck with you if you kill fucking animals like that. No, no, no, no.

He doesn't know that. Just drink 40s and hang out. No, sir. You are not getting picked, and the people we want to kick are with draft. Excellent pick. Zach, it's time for your fourth pick. Fourth pick? Okay.

In my home, food court. Oh, I love it. There's a food court. I love it. Now, every restaurant that I have has a double. So if I have a Chick-fil-A, there's going to be a Chick-fil-A on the other side. Wow. Now, you're wondering why.

I am. Because there's going to be haters in the building. What I'm doing. What I'm doing. What I'm doing. Fully staffing one side of it with actual employees. I'm going to pay them more money than they would have otherwise. And on the other side is going to be all the people that I hate. All my haters are working at that side, those restaurants.

And I will never go to them. They have to be fully stocked. They have to dress up everyed. They have to dress up every day. They can't, they're going to have their phones confiscated. They have to sit there every day and I will walk by maybe pretend I'm going to peruse and buy something. Yeah. Judd Evans, people of this nature, they're going to work at a Chick-fil-A and they have to grill. They have to get everything prepared and I will never buy it. They have to throw it.

They give it away, but they have to work every day. And you're going to pay them enough. I'm going to pay them below minimum wage. Wait, how are they working there? Huh? How are they working there? Because they get to live on that resort. They have nowhere else to go.

I have taken their ID. Wow. They are now. Oh, so this is a criminal act. This is really. You're the warden. Whoa, he's smiling so big. This is why he's a reckless. You can't do this shit.

You can't do this on mainland. You got international waters. All my haters will be bagged and thrown into a van and then they will wake up in my reclusive home. Forced to work at a Chick-fil-A that no one will ever go to. I have to make them live a Twilight Zone. They don't even know work at a Chick-fil-A that no one will ever go to.

It's like a... I have to make them live a Twilight Zone. They don't even know it's a Chick-fil-A. They don't know they're in your house. They think they're in like a mall or something. I can't say all of them. Who are your haters? I feel like...

Is this just like a dude who cut you off one time that you're wishing? Or is this gotta be like a... No, these are deep cuts. I can tell. Yeah. So they have to work at a shitty restaurant earning minimum wage. Wow. And I will never go there. They don't they have to work at a shitty restaurant earning minimum wage.

Wow. And I will never go there. They don't even have anywhere to spend their money. No. Good luck getting off the island. Marissa's laughing. Man. Holy shit.

That took a crazy turn. Imagine you're over at my house and I go, David, David, David, don't go to that Chick-fil-A. But let them watch you eat Chick-fil-A over here. That's where my enemies are imprisoned is over at that Chick-fil-A. Oh my goodness. Well, good on you, bud. Yeah. You fucking psychopath.

That's maybe the darkest pick that anyone's had on the history of this draft. That was the closest to like, yeah, prison. This podcast, I mean. All right, man. Want to lighten it up a little bit fuck zach i'm sorry i yelled at you earlier dude i am sincerely very sorry uh yeah i'm not a hater it's time for i'm not a hater not at all i'm a lover uh my fourth pick so i did the research uh- Uh-huh. And I can make this happen easy. All right?

So to get a beat from Swizz Beatz. Oh, damn it. It costs between $80,000 and $120,000. I have almost all this shit on my list. If I want a feature from Action Bronson, that's another $20,000. Damn it. God, you're so good. 2 Chainz is like $85,000. Busta Rhymes is only like $40,000. God. Damn it. You're so good. Two chains is like $85,000. Busta Rhymes is only like 40 grand.

God. Damn it. No, for Busta, I didn't look up future. I think future. For a feature. For a feature. For features from all these guys. So I got a Swizz Beatz beat, Action Bronson, Two Chains and Busta Rhymes, and then it's

just me on there trying my best. It doesn't even matter. You don't even havehuh trying my best it doesn't even matter you don't even have to do anything just making they're gonna snap because they know they've got greatness right exactly they've got greatness you don't even have to be good i might even double them up i'm like i just want this to be the dopest song ever yeah you're like i'm just gonna i'm gonna say a couple i can say a couple things yeah you know what this is. You know what, yeah, that's exactly. Ad-libs, yeah. Back again. Oh, I'm DJ Khaled in this situation. Oh, man.

They thought it was finished. Welcome to the building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, yeah, I turned myself into DJ Khaled. Yeah. Do one real quick. Huh? Do it like you thought it was finished.

Oh, you thought it was finished? There it is. I'd listen to that. Yeah. My favorite one is- Bar mitzvah music. In a Drake song, there's just a guy who's like, I need some chicken. Really?

That's it. He's just echoing what Drake said earlier. Oh, it's probably one of Drake's friends. Yeah, it's probably 40. Yeah. Or that redhead dude he tries to convince us is funny. Right, exactly. He's not.

Boy, does he try to convince us. OB O'Brien? Yeah. Boy, does he want that guy to be funnier than he is. Go get your Canadians, Marissa. Getting real out of pocket. They're from the six. You're from the six.

Clearly, there's something you can do. I love that, dude. I had... I was like, fucking release an album. You could do that. I could put together, by the way, a whole album. Oh, yeah. That's one song, and that's like...

That's like 300 grand? That's like 300 grand for just one track. I'm saying, Taylor Swift, your way into the game. Yeah. I'm sorry, Sean. Working with the dopest people. Yeah, you could say it. That's what 300 grand for just one track. I'm saying Taylor Swift your way into the game. Yeah. I'm sorry, Sean. Working with the dopest people. Yeah, you could say it. That's what she did.

But yeah. And then you could, that's a very fulfilling one. Right? Everybody knows how good it is to be a pop star. And then you have that on wax forever. Yes. Yeah, you always did that. Nobody can take that from you.

I'm driving with the windows down with that song playing, like fucking six whiz beats beat. This might be the only one out of any of these that actually would make any of us money because that might actually make you some money I don't know how many people are looking for that like Carmel single well but no there's so many people who've been whack on there's so many people the DJ Unc

walk it out remix perfect example DJ Unc have you heard that song? I walk it out I mean The remix The remix is incredible

It has Andre 3000 It has Big Boy on it It has a bunch of people on it The remix That song kind of sucks That remix And I listen to that remix still And yeah

When he comes on I listen to it I'm walking out the bank With a lot of zeros And I just I listen to that part But it's just a good beat. But it's just like, because I want to get to Andre 3000.

Walking out like Usher. I'll walk it out. I'll walk it out. So yeah, just make a track where I'm on it. By the way, you can look up how much features from all these guys cost. That information is online. I wonder what it is. I just watched that Chad Muska epically later.

But he did an album when he had like he had like biz markie on there and like uh krs1 i wonder you know if you follow lil boozy on instagram little boozy's always like i'm gonna be in you know pompano florida i'm doing features email this this thing make sure you got the bag right and he'll just do features. Make sure you got the bag right. It's awesome. Come over and lay something down. Alright. David, you have conquered the lake, the mountain, and the jungle

island. It's time for your fourth and then your final picks. Fourth pick, I gotta take an internal. I gotta do a little bit of me. I was gonna take your shredded thing, but since I can't Army of Tailors at my disposal. Ooh, I had had that on my list that was gonna be my final pick because you think i'm wearing anything off the rack ever again no custom fitted shaking his head so oh my gosh custom i'm rich enough everything is outlandish if i just want to wear a fucking bunch of cheetah print for

a month yeah like a latina guidance counselor i'm gonna i'm gonna give a shit dude like it's gonna be great see i'm gonna get i shout out shout out to latina guys uh Shout out to all of them. Not only that, I want the guys on my team. You know how you see the guys who make the custom Jordans and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they know how to dye them and do that shit? Yes, they can dye leather and shit. Dude, I'm going to come out with crazy. You're going to see my shit.

You're going to be like, are those the Jordan 5 Jiffy Pops? And yeah, because they're going to be lined with Jiffy Pops. And if it gets too hot, curls come out of the soles. It actually pops. You were in Hawaii to go oversee a volcano. And then you Jiff Pop. Yeah, and I got the five Jiffy Pops on. And I would dress so just like eye patches sometimes.

Who cares, dude? Nice. Tailored eye patch. Bandanas. Dude, I would incorporate like a leather eyepatch everything fitting perfectly everything fits me perfectly like a nice flowing all the time nice brown tan eyepatch you know what we can do by the way you can go get pants tailored right now it's actually not that expensive i just got a new pair of pants and i'm wanting to go do

that you can it's like you can get that. You can walk out for 30 bucks. Really? Or less. I have a shirt, a nice button up that I, that just, it got all baggy and campy.

It was just like, you need to tailor that shit. It's like 20 bucks instead of buying a new shirt. Yeah. There was a row in my life where I took tennis clothes to be tailored. Oh, see, but that's dope.

Oh man. Oh man. Imagine if you could just. RIP that time of my life. Imagine you're getting fresh sweatsuits off the rack. Fresh tennis suits off the rack. They made this for you. Like, everywhere.

God, he dope. But everywhere. So, yeah, I would go that because it would just be unreal. He wouldn't even be able to get to me. Like, it would just be like my styles would be from beyond. I'm wearing salamander sandals. Just like all kinds of shit.

I love all the exotic furs again. Chameleons. The craziest. The houndstooth. That always sounded crazy to me. Furs are one of those things where I know morally they're wrong. Furs and foie gras where I know they're wrong. Furs and foie gras, where I know they're wrong, but I don't care.

I don't... I don't own furs, and I rarely eat foie gras, but when people get all upset about it, I'm just like, I know you're mad. And I get it. And I like you, but I can't. I can't get mad about it with you. You see how cool people look

in furs. People look so cool. I feel like people are going to be mad at us for you see how cool people look in furs people look so cool i feel like people are gonna be mad at us for saying this i know but fur hats are crazy they look crazy sometimes don't you don't you wish you were like a rich something in just chicago in the winter and you're just wearing a fucking a rich and here's the other thing what would i be if i had a bunch of fur on in chicago and the other thing is i don't know you could be fucking scotty pippen yeah let's say no one had these jackets no they never made clothes from animal skins yeah that what are they gonna do just burn them and then what point are they they're all made yeah you're right they're all made oh vintage first

well there are people who feel differently about vintage fur than they do about new fur. Yeah. Really? Because you can go, yeah, they're like, well, vintage fur is fine. There's like ethical fashion people who are like, if you're going to wear fur, go vintage fur. I would go crazy vintage fur, though, if I'm rich. Yeah. Give me what Taft had.

Oh, I want something that hasn't been worn since the czar got killed. Yeah. Yeah. Just that Bolshevik fur. Yeah. They put that shit on ice it's just been cooling in like a vodka freezer and some in some basement in serbia they just took it out they left the body though yeah like you have a fur finder that's what he does go undress that motherfucking body

for me this is pre-cultural revolution i I'm going to need to lace up. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That guy just goes and finds all the treasures from the war. The last person to have this was a Tsar. And that's T-S-A-R. Yeah. Tsar.

So, yeah. That's what I would do. That's excellent. What's your final pick? My final pick is A Labor of Love. And this one, pretty crazy. I think because of the people involved, I would have to spend close to the whole billion. I would pay the original roster of the 1996 Sonics to replay the 1996 Chicago Bulls in the motherfucking finals and take back the glory that Seattle knows and deserves.

Holy shit. You're paying a billion for that. I'm paying a billion. I feel like I could get Jumpman for a hundo and once that domino falls, everything else is going to fall. Sean Kemp might just do it for 50 bucks. Sean Kemp would do it for dinner. No, because you need

the bulls to lose. Jumpman's not doing it. Maybe. I don't know. I'm just saying. Because I feel like if there's some gambling afoot. Oh, never mind.

You're playing 3D chess. Now I'm the kid. I'm putting this on. You don't think Vegas? Vegas is the only place this can happen. I can't have this game. You're not doing it in key arena no this is this is in vegas or it's out of the country yeah that's the only way on your island on my island no but then i don't have the i can't show unless you tape it there privately and then you release

the video like months later i wonder what it would would cost to get Michael Jordan to lose in public like that. Ooh. I would spend up to a quarter of the million or a quarter of the billion. Here's what I – But he's past money is the thing. What I think is the – he's past money. No true gambler has ever passed money. Oh, that's another great point.

That's true. But Michael – he's a gambler but he's not the kind of guy who would take a dive. Yeah. I don't think. No, because he's so competitive. He's more of a winner than a, yeah. But also, what I'm saying is, we don't know what kind of shape the glove is in. I feel like the glove is almost ready to go.

We might be doing all right. We don't know what Detlef Schrempf's looking like. Detlef is probably pretty good, though. You don't think he's still pescatarian? I think tall and out of shape. You don't think he's still pescatarian? I think... Tall and out of shape. You don't think he's still not even... I think Glove...

You want a crazy opinion? If those two teams played right now, the Sonics might win natural. That's what I'm saying! Because Steve Kerr's back is all fucked up. Yeah, you're saying, like, Jordan wouldn't even have to take a dive. He could try as hard as he wants.

Jordan is fat. Jordan's going to be wearing those jeans. Yeah, he's going to jeans. It's fat Jordan. It's hooping in corduroys. Pippen still looks pretty good. Yeah, Pippen's probably alright. But the glove, I bet, is the... Gary Payton is barely aged. He's probably ready to go. He can come off.

Who else was the starting roster for the Sonics? It was like the glove. Sean Camp would be a trouble area. Sam Perkins was on that team. Eric Snow. Detlef Schrempf Sam Perkins was on that team. Eric Snow. Detlef Schrempf. Who else was on that team? Was Nate McMillan on those teams?

No, that was post-Nate McMillan. I'm 96. I'll tell you in a second who was on that team. Not the 96-97. The 95-96 team, right? Yes. Or was it 96-97? Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

Oh, man. But, yeah. I would pay that. But, yeah, I would. And it would be the biggest spectacle in sports ever. Ever. It would be. I can't even imagine how. Seven-game series.

Because these guys are all so old, dude. They're not going to hold up for seven. Try to think if this happened, and just really try to think of how bucked that would be if it happened in real life. It would be the new Thriller in Manila. It would... God, it'd be so intense. Who... I'm trying to figure out what...

Who was the Bulls starting five? Jordan Pippen. It was 95-96. Steve Kerr. So what we're talking is Vincent Askew. Easy. Frank Borkowski. Easy.

You can get Brick. Sherelle Ford. Easy. Hershey Hawkins. irvin johnson easy uh sean kemp yeah nate mcmillan was also he was still there gary payton yeah sam perkins easy big smooth and a man by the name of steve scheffler yeah don't remember that guy debt left shrimp he's gonna get a google alert after this after this comes out. Eric Snow! And David Wingate. Yeah.

Dude, come on. We get those guys. They're playing rec basketball right now. You get those guys. You've still got pretty much a billion dollars left. All those guys are still in shape. They didn't make get out of shape money. Yeah.

Except for Sean Kemp. Except for Sean Kemp. But we can carry him because Perkins will play that spot. Yeah. I feel like Detlef Schrempf's jumper is still pretty wet. Oh, it's wet right now. It's wet right now. Raging waters, dude.

You don't think he's still stroking it all over? 100%. 100%. The Bulls was Randy Brown, Judd Buechler, Jason Cassidy. Buechler's dead. He's dead. This guy's dead. James Edwards, Jack Haley, Ron Harper, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, Steve Kerr, Tony Kukoc, Luke Longley.

Luke Longley. Learn how to spell Luke. That's a great point. L-U-C. L-U-C. Get out of here. Scotty Pippen, Dennis Rodman, John Sally, Dickie Simpkins, and Bill Wennington. That was a good team.

Yeah, that was. John Sally is what I'd be worried about. Yeah. I like it, man. John Sally still got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great pick. That's a good, bold pick.

And with the odds in Vegas and everything, no matter what happens, I make my money back on that. And then you're still a billionaire to do one of your other ridiculous things. Yeah, to do my next sports triumph, which is win Sean Alexander that Super Bowl. He did deserve a Super Bowl. He did, man. He went on Madden. That was his fault. It's time for my final pick. And

I wish I could go as big with you. This one isn't going to be as big. But for my final one, I'm going to send caviar to my enemies at irregular intervals. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

They're going to know it's from me. They have to eat it because they have to eat it. You're Ooh, that's good. They're going to know it's from me. Oh, they have to eat it because they have to eat it. Because you're going to eat caviar. They're going to open a package. It's going to have caviar in it. It's going to say, enjoy Ian Carmel, a little tin of caviar, some blinis to eat it on. And they're going to have to eat that caviar and think of how well i'm doing while they eat that caviar and the salty salty taste of the caviar salt that's explodes into their mouth while they picture me i don't

know sitting courtside maybe maybe wearing my armor family family crest family crest newly tattooed on your chiseled chest yeah exactly, exactly. While a car drives by and banging out the windows, my song with 2 Chainz and Action Bronson. Oh my gosh. And Busta. And they're just eating caviar

real bummed. And they're just eating caviar hating their lives. The only bummed out people eating caviar. Yeah. This caviar is great. God, it's good.

Would you do it in intervals where like they would forget about it? The day after their birthday every year? 100%. they would forget about it? 100%. That's what I was about to say. Does that even happen? At first it'd be like I'm sending them

caviar every month for like the first year and then I'd stop and they're like, okay, well that's done. Two and a half years later, caviar. Three years later, caviar. And it's the type of delivery service where they'll deliver at all hours. It'll be like 2 a.m. Hey man, you have to sign for this caviar. Sign for this caviar. And it's the type of delivery service where they'll deliver at all hours. Yeah. So it'll be like 2 a.m. Hey, man, you have to sign for this caviar.

Sign for this caviar. It's on ice. Yeah. So we're just sending caviar to enemies, dude. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Forever. Fuck you forever.

Yeah. I feel like you have to acknowledge some kind of enemy plan if you're a billionaire. Yeah. You're going to have enemies. Yeah. You didn't get that billion dollars by making friends. I didn't think about all this. Toscana, we know what you're going to have enemies. Yeah, you didn't get that billion dollars by making friends. I didn't think about all this. Toscana, we know what you're going to do with your enemies, but what are you going to do with your final pick?

I'm going to go with that Chick-fil-A and kill everyone with a billion dollar knife. No, sir. Kill everyone. Oh, man. There's so much on the board here. But, okay. I feel like... Okay. aboard here but okay i feel like okay i would anytime someone cut me off in traffic i would

ram into their car not hurting them not hurting them i say it ramming them into their car like having already pre like my information already out just put it on the windshield and then a helicopter picks me up and i just leave oh yeah they have to deal with that yeah here's my insurance here's my driver's license i can't stay here for this i'm too busy yeah and then you fly away they cut me off boom your day is ruined sir yeah because my insurance is gonna cover it you'll get your car back eventually fuck it you can buy him a new car. Who cares? Fried green tomatoes. Yeah.

Just taking out vendettas like that. Little vendettas. I love that pick. Constantly when I'm driving, I'm like, oh, if I was rich, I'd hit that person. And just be like, well, now because you cut me off, our days are both fucked up. There's times where I want to do it and I'm like, I don't even have the money to fix this. Oh, yeah. I'm not even a licensed driver there's times when i've been

inches from just like wow just wag yeah just you want to prove you want to show just hit them in the back you know what i mean like you're not gonna hurt them but your trunk is ruined yeah or i'm like i'll take my driver's side and smash it into your passenger side i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck out yeah well that's dude i've never had a whip that i didn't that i wasn't that i was worried about at all it's like we're gonna mash into this 92 centrip you're never gonna again if you get that and i could have a billion dollars you never have to worry about your whip health at all and i could be driving like a bentley and maybe every once in a while oh what is that i pay the cops off what it's your fault crazy turns out it doesn't take much

to pay off the old lapd over here yeah yeah that car reverse happened to have in the glove compartment anyway i'd be sprinkling cocaine on the cops yeah right in their hair you've been snorting officer officer we were on the we were on the highway we were on the highway they were in front of me and they just reversed into me at 80 miles an hour just grab a cop's gun and shoot it a few times there you go get rid of that drop it in their car and I go

what is that how are we going to play this excellent pick Sean what is your final pick I mean it's just going to be it's pretty simple it's just me to be... It's pretty simple. It's just me taking like 30 of my closest friends and just going somewhere until we spend a billion dollars. Wow. Where?

Anywhere, really. Nicaragua, something like that. Costa Rica, we could go to Paris. I don't give a shit. Just like 30 people where I'd say, listen, I'm going to pay a year of your salary. I got the crib. We're going to get the fattest crib in whatever city we go to. You should live in a hotel.

The whole year is on me. Yeah, sure. We could just get the whole top floor of a hotel. Endless summer. We just run this city until this money runs out. And we save about 20 grand to get back to the States. And everybody goes home. And then you go back to this life?

Yeah. And you just have that one crazy year. And then I go right back to this. Because there's nothing. I absolutely love this this life so i don't need anything else i would like other things but i don't need it so why not take that billion dollars and go nuts well that's true i don't mind the idea of spending at all that's what i was gonna say that was my whole plan is like this money doesn't i'm dying like this i'm dying at zero dollars in my account. There's no inheritance. I'm having no kids.

Unless I'm king of the mountain. Zach, you're dying when the federal agents bust into your fucking slave-ass food court. Yeah! Doppelganger, it's not me, dude. Chick-fil-A trafficking ring. And the cops just talking to you like, Zach, you know, at Chick-fil-A's, they're supposed to be able to wear clothes.

You don't let these employees wear clothes because you're torching them. They all have gas masks on. Doppelgangers should have been on my list. Hire doppelgangers all over the world so they never know where you are. Man, you are coming from a lot of angles. I really appreciate it,

but there is a lot going on up there. International Wonders, you're saying you wouldn't want a couple... That's true. Maybe it's that guy. That is true. Maybe it's that guy. That is true. No, it makes sense. Yeah.

The story checks out. The bubble's going to pop. There it is. We would all go hang out. You guys would finally meet everyone from Sioux Falls and vice versa, and then we'd all go hang out in Paris for a year. I would bomb Sioux Falls if I had a money. You probably would, you sick fuck.

Yeah, it doesn't. I hope you never get money, Zach. I love you, but I hope you stay... Sweet. Yeah. Pretty broke. Middle to upper middle class your whole life. I want you to be able to hang on to that gym membership

because it gives you peace. But other than that... Because it gives you peace. You fucking psycho. We, uh... So that's a great pick, David. You let us off and you went. You fucking psycho. So that's a great pick. David, you led us off and you went with the Lake Fleet. King of the Mountain.

Jungle Island Lair. Army of Tailors. 96 Finals replay. Oh, that's tight. I went second and I went just enough of an NBA team. Straight up royalty, which is armor, sword, and family crest. Get into amazing shape,

make a track with some dope rappers, and then sending caviar to my enemies. Yep. Zach, you went third, and you picked becoming a recluse? Fucking with pretty standard chain businesses? Somehow passing a bill. By the way, this was one with pretty standard chain businesses. Somehow

passing a bill. By the way, this was one where I probably would cost you more than a billion dollars, but whatever. I loved it. Passing a bill, somehow making two years of mandatory service industry a law. For people 18 and up. Yeah, 18 and up in this country. A law? No, that wasn't the thing

getting in the way but yeah anyway oh the age limit is what you're concerned with a home food court I hear you're concerned let me just get in front of them let's hear this one out loud again so a food court in your house you have two food courts

yes like mirrored food courts across the row from each other and you go to one of them and the other one your haters and enemies work at yes they've been kidnapped they've been disappeared probably starved and beaten to be honest bobby stacks is never gonna solve this one they're gonna be fed i want them to live a very long life and then of course you're shredded and then your last one is for their life ramming bad drivers with your car.

Best. Which I love. Yeah, it's fantastic. Sean, you want a shot for shot remake of Die Hard? Fixing one episode of Jeopardy so that you get at least two rows that you just crush? Making the candy room from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory real? A candy room from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Are you real?

Your fourth one was sort of bribing border officials and safari guides so that when rich fucks try to kill exotic animals, their guns just shoot blanks. Yes. And you're just sitting there loving it. And your last one is taking your 30 closest friends on sort of an endless summer situation until you run out of the billion. Yep. Great pick.

We left. I mean, we left so much on the board. I was telling David the rest of my shit makes me sound like I'm just fucking broke. It's not. Yeah. A lot of it was. That would be the first time that happened on this podcast. I would have endless bean burritos.

I'd pay electricity every month. I would have endless bean burritos. I'd pay electricity every month. A couple of mine were hire a professional inspirational speaker to wake me up. I like that. Like a human alarm clock. Oh, that's good. Buy Fox News and keep it the same, but just point the satellite towards nothing in outer space. So no one gets the channel.

These people keep doing their jobs? Yeah, they do their jobs. Then the aliens are going to get hip to their propaganda. Oh, hard right aliens. I want to buy a chateau. One of them was having a series of amazing disguises made.

So I could just put on my disguises and go into situations. What do you think of Ian Carmel? put on my disguises and go into situations and nobody knows what you think of Ian Carmel. That is pretty dope. That's like that Martin Short movie. Yeah, Master of Disguise.

I'd buy the Wu-Tang Clan album that Martin Shkreli bought. I'd just put it out to everyone. I was going to get season tickets for every sport. Also, this one was super petty i would just post up and you know that quarter machine that has two roads of quarters and it slides the quarters forward yeah i would pump it that motherfucker yeah i would god that would feel good. Can you imagine? To just get it, to get the one you envision in your head where they just all slide off. Yeah.

Oh, that would feel good. Private celebrity basketball games. Oh. That's nice. Oh, that'd be fun. New socks every day. That's almost a tandem. Yeah.

Cap all my teeth. I'm starting new. Oh. Your teeth aren't even bad, though. I want new. That's like 20 grand. I like that. Yeah. even bad, though. I want new. That's like 20 grand. I like that. That's a play.

Excellent picks, gentlemen. Shout out to all the listeners. We love you and appreciate you. Hit us up with your suggestions. We love that on Twitter. Hell yeah. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone holding us down on Twitter.

Shout out to everyone sending me messages on Instagram. I don't actually have a Twitter, but here's some suggestions. I love that too. And yeah. I think that about wraps this one up. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

Chicago! that was a hate gum podcast