All Fantasy Everything - World Records We Think We Could Beat (w/ Shaker Samman, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: April 1, 2021

Get an official Guinness observer on the horn, we're about to do this. Writer Shaker Samman joins us to push the boundaries of human achievement... but like... the podcast version of that.Episode Guest:Shaker Samman @shakersamman IG: @shakersamman. Sports Illustrated article here.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting world records we think we could beat, because we've been stuck inside thinking about this kind of thing for like a year.

Our guest today is sports writer Shaka Saman. Shaka has written for The Ringer, The Guardian, and right now, Sports Illustrated, baby. He was previously on the podcast to draft Fictional Apocalypse Survival Team, a classic episode that you should listen to right after you listen to this. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and as always, I'm joined by my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's do it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything,

the podcast that bought a bunch of fancy mustard because that's like a good way to stay on a diet, yo. Fancy mustards. Did you get that Coors stuff? Dude, I got like Coleman's. I got like some Dijon's. I got like all these mustards, dude. I got mustard from England, France, like from there, dude. How much is a fancy mustard?

Not a lot. Five, six bucks. it's well within the price it's doable yeah have you been messing around with like the mustard seeds or you going already like ground into like the kind of like stuff you'd get on it okay i'm busy dude i'm busy i'm living my life i like that coarse grainy i like that too i like i like popping the seeds like that yeah yeah yeah i'm just trying to introduce a little texture to your life man listen man i dude it's so smooth over here i can't even begin to tell you i'm wearing mustard seeds have heroin in them that's poppy

seeds bro i heard mustard seeds have it too you gotta drink vinegar if you eat mustard seeds dude i heard it um i heard that's basically mustard dude it was on a plandemic website no you just gotta you gotta take some niacin i've seen people do the niacin thing i've had it not work nine oh is that supposed to like clean your pee out yeah it's your skin hot and itchy that's what it does i'm busting into the speaking of hot skin dude into the david borey short in a big way oh there he is there he is my man is there there is a good four inches between the end of his pant and the start of his knee that is beautiful there's some length let let the boxers peek out a little bit i was

gonna say you got your you got your nijas on under there i see them yeah i need to buy smaller underwear has chubbies reached out for you to be a sponsor yet what's going on no man i don't get i'm not into politics i stay out of it honestly i'm neutral i'll i'll i'll uh i'll advertise any underwear any underwear i bought some too small underwear the other day it's one of the biggest bummers when you do that and you're out in the world and you're like oh these are too small what are they are they riding on you or what yeah what area is too small my it's too small for my it's this isn't gonna sound it's gonna sound

yeah it's not supposed to sound like a dick thing but it is it's like they're too small for my bad dude but it like that is a dick thing yeah i know it's a dick thing as i said that sort of a double entendre type situation so you would say the underwear is kind of honking on bobo is that the problem yeah it's honking on well it's like bobo's bobo's honking on out of it it's like out of the cage in the middle of the skate park with a bunch of teenagers around blowing hits of marijuana in the air i can't be having my dick just keep your balls in there just let your dick out and just keep your balls in your underwear that was the traditional design yeah actually i have separate underwear for my balls you guys you guys you guys put them in the same underwear that's dirty i put briefs on my balls

yeah what do you i'm a boxer's man but there's briefs on my balls i put a potato sack over my balls and then my bad dude has its own kind of like compression sock normally. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. The guy's got different underwear for his balls, folks. Out here, dude.

Out here. It's called living life, man. You should try it. He's out here. Chalker, you know you can talk at any moment, right? You've talked already. I'm just really soaking in this peek behind the curtain of Sean's life. This is what fatherhood is going to look like, apparently.

Yeah. Two pairs of underwear at once. That's being a dad. This is what they say when they say double bagging, right? This is what they mean. My daughter shan't hear any of that language. Have you heard the song Butterfly Kiss Ever by Bob Carlyle i haven't heard it little red flowers all up in her hair it's such a bummer song and i don't say that lightly i i don't i like a lot of music like that i like

sarah mclaughlin i like you know it's but the song is bad it's a bad song and i heard it and it's about his little his daughter and i was like man i'm like it's hitting me different and wow it's gonna be frustrating you should go listen to don't take the girl oh you think i don't know don't take the take jimmy johnson take tommy thompson take my best friend bo which was like hard that was a bold statement you guys know that song oh yeah neither one of those penetrated the jewish community of beaverton oregon hell i didn't know any until you so i yeah now we're faking the crossover it's a song about this kid growing up sort of chronicles his youth and the first verse is about he wants to go fishing and his dad brings this little neighborhood girl and he's like pretty much like dude are you serious take anybody that you want but don't take the girl

and i just gave myself goosebumps the next verse uh he's going he's like a teenager they're going to the movies and they get oh my god goosebumps my whole body look at this seriously so they're going to the movies and he gets held up at gunpoint he goes take my wallet take my mind and don't take the girl and then the last verse they're having a kid and the doctor comes and says she died in labor and then he drops to his knees and he goes take my very breath from my chest but don't take the girl heavy shit good song heavy shit yeah tim mcgraw man he was out there 30 years ago making heavy tunes i think i need to take a lap after that, man.

I'm not prepared for the rest of my day. I'm sorry everyone's crying now. My whole body's a goose bump. And just so the listeners know, all of us put on an extra shirt, a jacket, and just a monocle just to cover our tears for that one. This is the most clothed any of us have ever been on the All Fantasy Everything podcast. I'm sweating. Yeah. I'm Keith sweating. That's what I got coming up man fatherhood birth name keith sweat keith sweating

dude that's that's his brother keith sweating son of juanita sweat juanita yeah man and brother of montez sweat nfl defensive end. That's right. Montez Sweat. That's a great name. It sure is. The Montez Sweat of the podcast game. David Borey is here. Cool guys.

You look safe on Instagram. The G is silent on Twitter. How are you doing, buddy? Hey, I'm good. You know, I'm just out here flipping switches, you know. Did you get a chance? We recorded two episodes today and you had a couch delivered in the first episode have you had a chance of sitting it yet by some goons by the

way those dudes that were over there delivering it looked like the goon squad well some of those were my friends some of those dudes yeah i'll still stand i'll stand by it. Two of those were just my guys. Yeah, that makes no difference. The goons were in the crib. No. So the issue is that I have a doorway that's not standard size, so they couldn't get it in. Yeah. Damn.

Oh, so there's no couch in there? Yeah. So I got an accent chair and a rug but no couch i gotta like figure i gotta go remeasure and buy something different you gotta go out and get one of those like couch in a box build it at home kind of deals i'm not doing that no that ain't dank that that's not that's barely the move dude get a bunch of luxurious floor pillows oh rockin theme moroccan theme my man yeah that is good make it like the inside of a genie lamp in there get some shisha when people come over they're like where do i sit

where do i sit where do you like really talking about you guys remember remember that cribs with beyonce was it all of destiny's child or just beyonce but they had their pillow room where it was just like the whole room was a big fucking pillow. I've always wanted that my whole life. I've wanted a room where you just open the door and it's just like it's knee height and it's just one couch. The whole is so sick, dude. I just uncovered a strange Cribs conspiracy that I would like to talk to you about. The floor is yours.

I was watching the B2K Cribs, you you know just like before bed as one does you don't have to say anything else yeah we get it and they lived in two different houses or three different houses in every single house a clearly they didn't live there no fizz's house no fridge no they that was all up front but every single house had destiny child platinum plaques on the wall were they on the same label by chance or they have the same producer or something i think it had to be something like that like that has to be product placement right all three members all three houses for b2k every single one had a platinum destiny's child plaque they didn't even explain it they were just

like yeah that's the beyonce plaque and then i kept walking maybe they wrote were they on a song with them or did they write for them or something like that fizz wrote for beyonce all right all right i'm wrong sometimes i'm wrong actually as i said it too i was like i don't know why that seems so crazy it was groundbreaking shit back then. It wasn't lemonade. It was bills, bills, bills. Do we think Beyonce owned all three houses? Oh, she just.

And she's just like, no, no, no. You can use one today because I said so. But you have to put my platinum album in the background. Well, I think I've said this before. I'm pretty sure the Ying yang twins were just in like furnished homes like rented furnished homes yeah it was the it was it was the test or the model home you know yeah you know it's fun to go back and watch what at the time was like crazy baller shit like my stand-up sets on conan yeah when i was there we went through i've never uh been on

conan or do tv until somebody lets me. Sean and I, yeah, Sean and I, no TV for me here either. So we're just, we're in solidarity, buddy. Sean, you're not even like, I feel like you could have been like in a background on something. If you replay enough like sporting events, you'll see me here and there. Okay. I mean, I was on TBS with Cartwheel courtside at the Clippers. Watch your fucking back on that one.

Hell yeah, dude. You watched any of any Preakness in the last 25 years sean and i are both running in it yeah i pop up on the i did a rod but like that's a whole other i ran up on stage during freak nick one time and that was on mtv spring break i scored the winning goal in a world cup once that's right i remember that i remember that that was before we were friends i was like damn i hope i get to meet that guy i was in the stands for fever pitch mike malloy was in summer catch which i can't stop i love bringing that up he loves bringing it up mike will let you know he was in summer catch and he's usually so quiet and reserved it's weird it's crazy he's so calm all the time he's definitely on twitter he's very peaceful young boy when he's not being suspended from twitter of course that's true i love it that's still off

twitter zach is still off twitter zach look i see him nearly every day he's never seemed happier yeah oh yeah all he does is work out and play tennis it's i mean i'd be thrilled if i could play tennis not good for me either i fucking hate i i just can't i can't do it i can't like every time i get into it and i'll be like i have a funny tweet i read 20 tweets and i just get pissed you can do it you just got to put your back into it but you can you can do it for sure thanks ice cube tick tick boom it's a marathon tick tick boom

BTS got mad at me this week who did the BTS fans the BTS army the K-pop really what'd you do

that's a big army well on the late late show we were talking about them about the Grammys and James asked me he was like whose performance did you like now

I didn't watch the Grammys I did I did not like theirs i watched the whole thing and i didn't like their performance i'll say it you be careful sean i you don't like k-pop well i don't mind bts at all i'm not a fan but i think i'm happy for all their success they seem like really nice dudes like it's not my cup of tea but listen i don always drink tea. I do drink a lot of tea now. I got lost in the metaphor. I apologize to everybody here. But I was just like, he was like, who's your favorite performance? And I, because the BTS fans, the army has a reputation online for being kind of aggressive. If they think anyone has slided BTS.

And I said, well, I'm on Twitter. So I'm going to say it was BTS. That was it. And they're mad at me for that. And then also they think, and they think I had a tone in my voice. And then they also, uh,

I pointed out how, so one cool thing that BTS does is like, they built like a replica of the Grammy stage in a warehouse in South Korea. And they did it for our stage and they've done it. That's fucking rad. I i was like that's amazing they figured out a way to never have to leave south korea where they're from which is handling the pandemic better than anyone and like their fans are like that's racist he's saying they should never leave south korea and i'm like no that's grasping for straws that's that not that. I was complimenting him.

Yeah. It's fucking insane. Anyway, only a few of them got mad at me, but those few can get cocking off in the arm, buddy. You didn't like this, Sean? No, I didn't like the performance. It was too seductive. What? It was too seductive.

Is this father, Sean? Wait, is this a father and a daughter? You're mad because you got turned on? I didn't get turned on but if anyone did it was uh it sounds like you are you mad at the bts performance in specific you're saying that's the one that turns you on or is it i wasn't thrilled about the bts perform are you guys members of the army why don't you calm down i just i'm just trying to understand you said it was too seductive yeah i didn't like it did you watch it are you watching it right now

i just i just pulled up a little clip of it. I saw them. I mean, they were doing some gyrations. They're a little familiar with the glances, I got to say. That's what you don't like. That's what I didn't like in this particular Grammys. I don't agree with you. It kind of looks like these guys are killing it, dude.

They're great, man. BTS is awesome. I didn't. I wasn't. I did like a lot of the performances, though. The Grammys were fun this year. Dude, they're walking all over the place. They this is good you're wrong yeah dude i love you but you're not right it's an opinion dick bag and i'll thank you it's the wrong one a lot of people have

wrong opinions come on look at their feet work if you get a little d stitcher thing you can actually turn the socks into sex david's has a white socks hat on and you can make it say sex if you want don't don't change the thing this is classic yeah man i enjoyed seeing beyonce and jay-z in the crowd that was fun jay-z's hair is doing it right now oh his hair yeah grammys were enjoyable to watch this is great you're wild man i love you you're wild no i didn't like it i didn't like it said what i said i stand by it said what i said i stand by it i didn't like it i appreciate someone digging in their heels on something they absolutely don't need to as an extremely petty person myself so it is true i don't you know what sean i disagree with you i think this is a terrible tag but i really respect the way you're just fighting it

back you're gonna die on this hill i'm not there's a lot of hills i'll die on and that's not one of them i'm watching it without sound was it the song you didn't like the song i don't know man i i really didn't think about it this much until now i barely registered it when i watched it i just remembered not digging it that much and now here we are dissecting it but you better fucking hope they don't get a hold of this the no context afe account is only going to tweet out quotes of sean dissing this performance i don't want him to get a hold of this that'd be a bummer because i hear the army is strong i think you should go back and watch it one more time maybe maybe i will maybe i won't all right i try to set in his ways. Step off. All right. Step on. Anyway, I fucking, this is just to say I rock with BTS.

I just, you know, making a joke on a television program. Chaka Saman is here. Shit. I'm in my own head. You got it. I'm in my own head. You've been getting it right more than you've not. It's okay.

Every time I've gotten it right. I think when I thought shock, when, when I met shocker, I thought he was being a dick where he's like, my name is shocker. And I think shocker i thought he was uh being a dick where he's like my name's shocker and i think i gave him the look like okay cool he's like nope my name for real is shocker and i was like did you make me pull out my driver's license or was that someone else well some people have done that so many times he made you pull out your acoustic guitar and sing the song driver's license yes just because your voice is so beautiful and i strum it instead of with a with a pick i strum it with the corner of my driver's license yes just because your voice is so beautiful and i strum it instead of with a with a pick i strum it with the corner of my driver's license absolutely no i doubt i made

you pull out your driver's license but you're uh you're fantastic well thanks buddy you might have did sean's problem sean's sean's a problem dude he's been full dark sean today well david at least i wear a mask when i go outside you know know? No, see, that's not even the same. That's like not based in anything. And then people are going to tweet at me like, oh, my little friend, John. No, don't be mean to Sean. Wear a mask. Oh, you think that's what people on Twitter sound like?

That's what they say to me. Yeah. Jeez. Yeah, we can't be joking about not wearing masks. I wish I was joking, David.id i wish it'd be nice i'm gonna beat the shit out of you i'd love to see you you probably want because of all the physical contact that you've been doing with strangers and things oh man it's shaka saman s-h-a-k-e-r-s-a-m-m-a-n on twitter and on instagram and on sports, where he recently put out a story on Top Shot, which clarified a lot of that mishegas for me.

Talk about it. Yeah, man. Thank you so much. Yeah, I wrote my second feature for SI about NBA Top Shot, this weird new marketplace that feels like it came out of nowhere and has moved something like $400 million by the time this episode comes out. Maybe even more than that in people effectively trading trading cards, right? Like a LeBron James moment sold for $208,000. Wait, are we talking about NFTs? Yeah, NFTs. Yeah.

I got a big story out on that for SI on a couple days ago. Hell yeah. The secondary sports market seems wide open right now. It's wild, man. It's one of those things guys like overtime and stuff there's a lot of people doing stuff like there's a lot i'm consuming a lot of non-professional sports more than usual i'm playing a lot of non-professional sports by which i mean i'm sitting on my couch and watching sports and saying i could probably do that i could

do that yeah yeah well that's a lot of what we're going to talk about today that's all definitely there's a lot of that we're going to talk about today. Oh, absolutely. Almost definitely. There's a lot of that we're going to be talking about today. I'm not going to dive into sports a lot, but yeah. A lot of conversations with my editor for the story, fellow former Ringer employee, Chris Almeida, who's now an editor of Sports Illustrated. Oh, shout out to Chris. Shout out to Chris. AFV fan as well. Talking just about the weirdness of sports in a time when there's it feels strange to watch sports or to do sports uh and then how people are in a way trying to connect to sports

with stuff like top shot um yeah i'm you know i'm just excited to be able to go outside when i get this uh what i've heard uh lovingly called the fauci ouchie oh yeah i got the first fauci ouchie yeah i'm not like david i waited i waited i get my first one next week i get mine on sunday baby getting the needle nice yeah i'm excited been deemed essential workers because nobody else is out here fantasy drafting stuff that's true oh they are it just it just sucks but people are doing it but it just ain't dank do you think i could qualify if i say i'm sean's caretaker yeah we yeah we take care they're not checking right well the rat is probably gonna try to qualify he's sean's father sean's i don't want to have

to get so graphic but the rat has been murdered people i'm pretty confident he faked his death i listened to enough of this show yeah this is this is like this is either the either it faked its death or this is like a Simon Gruber situation where the brother comes in and gets his revenge. It's like Gallagher's brother doing all his gigs. I would bet $1,000 of my own money that that rat has watched you sleep every night this week. Close up.

I feel like he's just getting his weight up. He might be. He's using your weights while you're asleep. He lifting he's out he's out in the garage jim look at this by the way swole patrol came by man swole patrol yeah fill it out yeah leave sean took a ball out it was crazy for the listeners uh sean pulled his sleeve up and he went to flex his bicycle bicep bicep he wanted to flex his bicep and the arm like made kind of a u-shape it went it went down like yeah like a cartoon character that's weak and then a bird landed on it that swung back and forth and then don't take the girl started playing out of nowhere yeah there was an audible slide whistle noise though for us so he's been hitting the gym pretty hard yeah that rat is probably built a human-sized suit

so he can fight you dude that rat's probably my neighbor by now and i just don't know it that rat's probably jory or nick i i've actually been consulting with the rat on the side as like a freelancer and we've decided that when he finally puts you in a sleeper hold, the song that comes on when you lose at the price is right is going to start playing. Oh, that's good. Sleeper hold music. As you're passing out. And when you finally hit the ground, let the bodies hit the floor. Yeah.

Drowning pool. Then the rat lights a cigarette. My name is Ian Carmel. it my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on the jewish si app where you can still read chocker's amazing article about nba top shot make sure you check it out folks uh i got nothing except listen to all fantasy everything watch the late late show of james corden where i'm still heavily involved in the monologue got my tentacles and everything yeah everything bro everything dog look for me out there on on the bike on the bike trails i'm Got my tentacles and everything. Yeah. Everything, bro. Everything, dog.

Look for me out there on the bike trails. I'm out here on my bright green Surly. Just fucking crunching gravel, bro. It's called a Surly? I feel like you told us that, but Surly, huh? It's a Surly. It's a Surly. I'm a Surly. I'm a Surly.

I was going to say, I bet. Does your bike yell at cars or do you yell at cars? Which one of them? I don't yell at cars anymore, dude. I have a surly. I'm a surly. I was going to say, I bet. Does your bike yell at cars or do you yell at cars? Which one of them? I don't yell at cars anymore, dude. I have a mantra. I need, man, I've been yelling more probably. When I'm in the car and all my windows are up, it's like I'm possessed. I get mad at everything.

Everything. If somebody switches lanes, a football field ahead of me i'm just like well fuck me i get mad at everything you ever wonder if maybe that's about more than just the cars i don't know you think it's about any given sunday i think it's about the rat i when i'm driving i have a mantra dude so peace reap peace so So peace, reap peace. So peace, reap peace. And it's true. Yeah. I'm just wondering, is this the point where I admit that I might not know how to ride a bike?

Oh, no. You're one of them, huh? So no. Is it because you're from Michigan? No, because everyone else in my family knows. When I was a kid, I was trying to learn, and then I gave up. And then I sort of learned when I was just about about to go to college and I was real proud. And I called myself the king of bikes like an idiot.

And then my girlfriend Lonnie and I went back to Michigan last October and my mom was like, let's go to the bike trails. And I pedaled for about three seconds and it was about to fall on my face. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to walk. No way. Really? Oh, I bailed so hard. That's funny because you're athletic.

Yeah. Well, thank you. But no, something about me and the wheels, man. I also took a long time to get my driver's license. I waited till the week before I went to college. Oh, yeah. That's a long time. I trust my feet more than I trust the wheels.

Wow. Come to the village of Atwater, dude. We'll montage you up. You can pick the song and we will fucking have you riding a bike in no time i can ride a bike with no handlebars look at you with no handlebars no handlebars my height till i die baby flow bots dude we are here anyway we're not here to talk about the flow hots a band that's from denver i feel like david was indicating all right hell yeah we are here to fantasy draft as is our want on all fantasy everything world records we think we could beat shocker this was your idea what was the what was the genesis of this idea so this genesis was before the lovely zach tuscani uh was coming

on to draft groundhog days a couple weeks back yeah he uh he was in he was in the uh in lift city in my apartment, Temple of Iron, putting some plates up. And he's like, shocker, I've got a problem. I've got no idea what we should draft later. And I said, I'll think on it. And I gave him this idea, world records we think we could break because I thought it would be fun. And then he said, that's a good one, but I'm going to do this different one instead. And then I texted Sean. Hey, Sean, you should let me onto the podcast because we should do this. And now I'm here. That's how it works.

There it is. A little behind the music for you motherfuckers. Yeah. Don't say we didn't get you anything nice for Easter. Is that soon? Some folks are just driven. This is harder than I thought. It is hard.

Well, well, we'll get. I just wonder if everybody picked real stuff or if everyone kind of got a little funny with it. I gave myself a little leeway. I gave myself leeway on stuff that I thought, you know, maybe if I trained for a while, I could pull some of this stuff off. Stuff that is still within the range of possibility. There's some, there's one of them. I was like, I could break this before we record. I could break this and then I'd say I have this world record.

I just picked Tallest Man Alive five times, so that's just a little peek behind my veil. We're going to find out what all of our picks are after we determine the order, which we do with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you, and we throw and shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Oh, three different ones rock paper scissors shoot oh shocker wins shocker as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that it's a great question say uh it's a little chilly out you get up in the morning and there's there's frost or maybe even snow on your windshield you need to scrape your wind frost or maybe even nixon dude go on you need to scrape the nixon off your windshield you get your scraper and you you start you scrape you kind of dig in a little bit and you scrape across like half of your windshield

and then like you're on the driver's, so you scrape across the top half. Then you go down a little bit and then you dig in a little more. You get a divot started. Then you slowly scrape your way back towards where you're standing. It's real simple. Then you just go down, dig in a tiny little bit, and then scrape all the way across to halfway across the car. Just do that.

Go back and forth. Just down little chunks at a time going from one side to the other and uh and then yeah you hop in and drive and get coffee and go to work well there you have it uh basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now shocker with that mind what will the order of today's draft be i'm gonna go me david seanian hot corner me david me david that's one guy sean there's a hyphen it's my david it's like uh it's like my lady my david jordan ah greetings my david my david carmel senior. Michelle Indigelico. And then David. All right.

That is the order. Chakra, we will get to your first pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could.

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there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with Policy Genius. Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed. This is it. In fact, we're damn near, pert near, pert near sandstone, damn near the only piece of media that's ever existed except of course for shocker's article about nba top show which you check out right now on sports illustrated be so tight if there was that one article in this podcast and that was it that's what the internet is that's all it is and it was just a circle of that article plugging the podcast and the podcast

plugging the article and a never-ending oh yeah what's good for the goose is good for the gander that's all the internet should be you. That's all the Internet should be. You know, that's all the Internet should be, for God's sake. Shocker. It's time for your first pick. The first pick in the world records. We think we could break all fantasy, everything draft. All right.

So for my first choice, I think I would need a little bit of training. I think I would need maybe maybe a pitching coach, a a couple weeks in the gym doing a little lifting, but I don't actually think this one would be that difficult. I think I could break the world record for the farthest distance anyone has ever thrown an apple. Wow. How far is it? Did you look?

I looked at it. So it's 71.4 meters. So like around 70 yards, right? Here's what I'm saying, though, is every single outfielder in Major League Baseball could shatter that. Every single player at at least Division I

college football quarterback could destroy that. Zach Toscani would have you believe. I was just kidding. I was a tennis player. At my peak, I could hit serves at like 110. Like, I know I have that snap.

I've got that motion. I would just need to build up the muscle. Man, I bet you I could. And the thing thing about it it doesn't say what kind of apple it has to be that's what i was gonna ask i can get one of those like not a grocery store apple not like the kind you find it like a trader joe's or a gelson's i'm saying i'll go to target and get the densest roundest granny smith apple you've ever seen i could throw that into the surface of the fucking sun i could annihilate that i think it is a granny smith does you've ever seen i could throw that into the surface of the fucking sun i could annihilate that i think it is a granny smith does the roll count because if it does i'll just go to

a frozen lake minnetonka and slide it and uh i'll just get it across the whole you know the roll doesn't count yeah it's place it on the top of a mountain let it roll down yeah it's a throw dog i like place it and you know what just to give myself some luck i'll go to yeah the throne I like places and you know what just to give myself some luck I'll go to Denver I'll sleep on David's non-existent couch and I will launch this in the lighter altitude oh man this is

gonna I could throw this into the surface of the sun well we'll keep the apple in a humidor for you oh you are just a saint yeah someone have to catch the apple in their mouth on the other end? Is that part of it? Do they have to like that?

Now you're saying pigs. Yeah. I'm sorry. My question is, what fruit do you think you guys could launch the farthest? If I just gave you any fruit on a table, which one do you think

we went out to a field you could put the farthest? I've thought about this. An apple. Probably an apple. I've often, often, and I don't say that lightly, gone into the grocery store and i'll pick one up and i i think like i wonder if i could just throw this all the way across the grocery store and then nobody would know like if you could throw it over all the aisles and then because you're in produce and the

bakery is normally on the other end so you're like an apple would just a lot of something in the bakery and everybody would be like, what the fuck? I've always wanted to hammer throw a pineapple. Oh, that'd be fun. You know what I'm talking about from the top? You know what I think you could maybe even best an apple. You know, one of those like shitty oranges you get at like a

Motel 6 continental breakfast. Oh, the huge ones? No, like that kind of the tight ones is the best way where it feels like there's no pith in it at all like it's just skin on orange and it's right right and hard i don't you talk i feel like you could huck really huck one of those i feel like if i got like an extra like a larger plum or like a rounder lemon oh man it's over for everybody i've thrown a lemon pretty hard. You get like a

frozen lemon or something? Get some like get it, dense it up or make it heavier or something? Is that crazy? Does freezing it make it heavier somehow? How does that work? I mean, theoretically, the liquid inside would be solid, right? Yeah. It would make it denser and smaller. It wouldn't make it heavier though.

I don't know why it seems like it would, but maybe I'm an asshole. Anyway, I think like a smaller, like a pink lady apple, maybe. You know what? I think the only solution here is we just have to go out to a field and try this. Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure I threw a fucking baseball like 40 miles an hour the other day and topped out. Well, not the other day, like a year ago. But I don't know that I have.

I'm more of a a loft i can loft a football a good 30 yards and get it into the bread basket is there a record for a gentlest apple loft yeah i'll get i'll get that you wait the day after my daughter's born i'll walk out of the hospital take one bite and i'll do the gentlest apple loft into the garbage can you've ever seen butterfly kiss just a little butterfly kiss just a little butterfly kiss david borey time for your first pick uh my first one is uh fastest time to arrange the alphabet from a can full of spaghetti uh the alphabet spaghetti is whoa do you know what the record three minutes and 21 seconds is the first is the record i think

i think i could smash that i think i could smash that left-handed drunk were you kidding me yeah i think i could smash it you have to you what how is it that is you have to use your tongue how is it that much time that's great i think probably not a lot of people are doing it i wonder if they have letters that are less popular so there's not a ton of them in there yeah and like maybe there's a q thought something was a q but it was just like an ill-formed oh yeah yeah yeah like i accidentally took a bite out of an r and now it's not really an eye does this count opening the soup container the soup can the sean jordan doesn't work i couldn't tell really because you really want me to visit don't you you really miss me i'll come down there i'll scissor kick you dude i uh yeah i couldn't tell because as you guys can tell from looking this topic up world records real real shady world it is hard to get an official

number even if you're on the guin site, you're like, is this? And the Guinness site itself, the Guinness is kind of sketchy. Let's just put that out there on wax. No, air them out, shocker. Air them out, shocker. Guinness, you know, John Oliver did a segment on this too. Guinness has been doing some business with, you know, like dictatorships and totalitarian regimes for cash where they'll just be like, hey, man, if you give us some money, we'll make a world record for you to break. Which is crazy to me because they're making all that money selling beer.

Same company. Shocker, if you ever mention another late night show on All Fantasy Everything Again. Oh, is that not the one? That's not the one you work for? That's a different one. Oh. No, I work for the actual late night show not the one you work for? That's a different one. Oh. No, I work for the actual late night show that does shows four nights a week, not once on a Sunday when they feel like it.

All right? Let's just be clear about that right now. John Oliver's on that Empire schedule. That's right. I didn't know Guinness was up to shady stuff like that. That's interesting. Good, you know, good for them. Look, man, if you can make money off the government of Turkmenistan,

you got to do it. You have to do it. We will all be in that position at one point. Arranging SpaghettiOs, would you pour it on a countertop? What's your surface? What are you wearing? I imagine. Silk robe?

No, I'm wearing just a standard a shirt standard tank top white but i imagined i would pour it out on like a uh a cookie sheet like a long kind of flat and like spread it all out and then it's just a then it's just a eyeballing it thing from there yeah i feel like you could do this i that's what i'm saying i was the i think i think it's very doable how fast do you think you said the world record's like three minutes what how far are you gonna come under that i think i could cut it in half i think i could do it yeah i could i could do it i think i could do it in a minute 40 i know the alphabet i just imagine you screaming that the whole time i got it i got it i know the alphabet

yeah i'm in a 40 i think that's what i got you said it so confident i know the alphabet i really want this to become a kind of thing where it's like how before roger bister broke the four minute mile, doctors were like, no human is capable of doing this. It's impossible. Yeah. Like science will be like, no, no human is capable of organizing SpaghettiOs in under a minute and 40 seconds. And then David comes in with like 130 motherfucker. How we doing?

Yeah. Yeah. Then I fucking flip over the cookie sheet and walk out. Start yelling USA. It's the end of Rocky IV. You've got the flag around your shoulders. I'm smoking a cigarette while I do it. You're wearing a Chef Boyardee hat.

Texting with Spaghetti-O fingers, but still getting it all done. Yes. That's the record I think I could... That's the first one i think i could beat man i feel i feel confident sean jordan time for your first pick this is the one that i i almost beat just so i knew that i could do it i think i could beat the world record for drinking hot sauce so from what i could find there was one that somebody drank somebody drank two ounces in four seconds which please and then someone else took five shots in like 16 seconds i i could do that without even getting diarrhea or anything i it would be fine absolutely fine is that is that the hot sauce equivalent if

i could do that with my eyes closed? Yeah, without breaking a sweat. I could do that without even getting diarrhea. I was on Sharpie's podcast, and one of their challenges was to eat a spoon of Tapatio, and I was like, yeah, all right. And I did it, and it was great. I honestly think I could take 20 shots of hot sauce and not. It wouldn't matter. Let's say if it wasn't

shot let's say it was guzzle worthy i think i how much i think i could more huh now this i might this might give me the scoots but i think i could like guzzle a pint glass of tapatio if i had to yes it would of course it would it would that's how they invented the scoots it would leave you in shambles they didn't they didn't know what the scoots were until... You guys hear what Seamus did? I know it was an Irish that did it. A pint glass of hot sauce is horrible. Everything about...

I honestly think I could do it. I wouldn't... I believe you could do that, though. I believe you could do it. I think a couple shot glasses of Cholula or Tapatio would be good, I think. This is your version of how really rich people get that mint stuff as a palate cleanser between meals or eating raw ginger. You're just like, I'm just going to take a shot of Cholula.

I had one of those mint things one time. They suck. What mint things? The palate cleanser things that he's talking about. I had a chef in Sioux Falls. A friend of mine was a chef, and he had these mint palate cleanser things that he's talking about I had a chef in Sioux Falls a friend of mine was a chef and he had these like mint palate cleanser things to where in between each

course you're supposed to take one it tastes like a battery but it's supposed to cleanse your palate so there's no residual taste from the previous dish they're terrible if we're talking about the same thing it's like the same concept of like one of the reasons they give you the raw ginger when you order sushi is so that in between pieces you can take it and that way you're getting

the fresh taste every time yeah yeah it was real it was a weird thing but yeah i think i could i could easily break that world record for hot sauce drinking easily i think i think it has your name on it i think any of us could but i'm just saying, who do I get on the horn to get my name in the record books? Cause I could break that in a car while I was, I mean, I could be more. Yeah. So here's,

here's my question. So, so Lonnie went to whatever grocery store the other day and she came back with a legitimate, like a, a, however many ounces of this is like a 32 ounce bottle of Tapatia in like a plastic bottle. And my question is if you had to try to take that down as quickly as possible how long do you think that would take you

32 ounces of tapatio if it it depends like is this for a reason or is this just like if because if i'm like it's not just like because you had a good workout no no it's like if i'm like sean you have to break the world record for tapatio the quickest consumption of 32 ounces of tapatio or icp is gonna break up yes i bet you i could do it in a minute but i don't think i would because 32 ounces i think i don't know man i've never tried this is what i'm saying i've never that makes me feel crazy just hearing it it's about it yeah that's a lot it does like hurt but i look at sometimes indeed if i take like if i'm at chipotle and i have a burrito i will fill like a i will make like a pool of tabasco hot sauce like sauce in the burrito and then i will eat that in a bite

which is probably about an ounce almost. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's half an ounce. But I do that just to eat a burrito. No, I believe in you. So if I had to, I really think 32 ounces is a lot. That is a ton of hot sauce. I think you can take it down. I might barf, bro.

I might blow chunks or spew or something. You'd barf out of your asshole. 32 ounces is just for context. That's like two regular size water bottles like two aquafina bottles you get at a convenience store what were we calling it loose chocolate i think it might give me some loose chocolate if i give you loose chocolate for sure i drank 32 ounces i don't even think it would come out chocolate i think it would think come out the same color it would it would come out the same color it would ruin you for a week i think it'd be come out the same color. It would come out the same color. It would ruin you for a week, I think. It would come out the same color, but it would be blood,

as it is the same color as the hot sauce, but it would be different material. You would be dealing with what happened to my dog when she ate two sticks of butter off the kitchen counter. Oh, poor girl. She had a cool afternoon? She had a cool week, my man. Yeah, hot sauce drinking, world record.

Sean's first pick is he wants the worst diarrhea anyone's ever had my first and second pick go hand in hand my butt would fall off for my second pick with my first pick now there's some circumstances around this pick there's some definite circumstances somebody would have to be in search of a novelty. Somebody would have to be, and I'm talking about like minor league baseball or even major league baseball during World War II levels of novelty. But I think. Are you talking about a league of their own? I think, no, no. I think women's baseball is legitimate and has a place next to men playing baseball or anyone of any gender. I'm talking

about being the oldest player ever to play in an NBA basketball game. Who has it now, Moses Malone? A guy named Nat Hickey, 45 years, 364 days. Nat Yankee?

Nat Hickey. Also, why didn't he just go till 46 game at the end of the season was that it last game at the end of the season it was a birthday thing so I think I could break that record now it would require me staying in you know

alive I'd have to avoid gunfire or attack by a lion or any other thing until I'm 46 and then it would just have to be the right team looking for the right promotion just having some laughs they sign ian carmel yeah like the worst team in the league they sign ian carmel to a 10-day contract you down there shining glass or what are you doing where you where you out on the court i'm i'm i'm posted up on the i'm on the yeah come on we knew he was in the post i'm in the low post my man's banging low he's taking it to the rack putting people in the

torture rack put back put my i'm putting my butt right and fucking tracy mcgrady the third or whoever it is who's around by then just right lebron is still playing at this point by the way yeah it's me and lebron dude yeah and i'm a little older than lebron i'm just a little bit older than lebron lebron could break this record if he wantsron. I'm just a little bit older than LeBron. LeBron could break this record if he wants to, but I'm just a little bit older than LeBron. So I'm in there. I'm clearing out space. I'm grabbing rebounds. We're throwing outlet passes.

I'm playing 10 seconds in the game. And then I'm getting elbows dirty. Sure. Buying t-shirts. I was there when Ian Carmel played for the fucking Houston Rockets. I don't know. It would have to be the Blazers. Probably.

What's your stat line in this game? Oh, one minute. Three fouls. No points. No rebounds. No assists. Three fouls. You're mad.

Yeah. Ian went out for a minute, had a couple tissy fish. What should be a tee? You should go out on a tee. For sure. I'm double techs. Ian is literally the guy who goes out and walks up to the coach and says, coach,

I got five fouls to give. And he's like, actually you're right. You do. Yeah. And I go out there and I get two of them and they're both tax. Is your technical. You just drop,

kick the ball right into the rest space, like point blank, drop kick. I want it to be. You guys are playing like the Knicks and you just moon Spike Lee. I kick one ref in the balls. And then I, when the other ref comes to get me,

I throw the basketball right in his face. And then I get on a Segway, and I ride out giving the double bird. Can you imagine, like, DeAndre Jordan or someone just getting attacked if they just walked up and booted the referee in the nuts? And then just stormed off, like, took their shoes off and threw them in the crowd,

like, I'm leaving. That's the exact scene. off and threw them in the crowd like i'm leaving that's the exact scene i kick the ref in the nuts the other one comes to get me i throw the ball in his face the arena dj who i talked to before starts playing cowboy by kid rock i get on a segue i ride out giving the double bird and then oh my god and then two people in the stands grab my pants which rip off i have warm-up pants because I never took them off when I got in the game. And I'm just wearing gold fucking thong underwear, dude. Meanwhile, there's just a ref laying on the ground whose nuts are exploded. Who needs to go to the doctor for real?

That athlete just kicked me in the balls and I don't have a groin cup on or anything. No one's ever done that before. I don't have a groin cup? You call it a groin cup? Is that what cup is short for? Yeah. Groin cup on or anything no one's ever done that before i don't have a groin cup you call it a groin cup is that is that what cup is short for yeah like groin cup i've never you're the only person i've ever heard say it like that a groin cup yeah so that's one that i feel like if things break the right way maybe i could break that record i don't know i don't know what you got 11 years start laying the groundwork now oh i will i will i'm gonna i got i got one of those dummies to practice kicking on i'm good that's the biggest part of this

just kicking that dummy in the dick what are you doing i'm training dana he's doing be a world record breaker or not yes yes i quit the show okay I'll be in the backyard a lot. This is a 16-hour-a-day thing. I need to kick him so hard he pukes immediately. Yeah, that's the only way it's going to work. He just looks, he's like, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. You got to kick him to be able to shatter that growing cup if it is there. Yeah.

I'm trying to dent a cup. I'm assuming it's there. I'm operating under that assumption. So that's my first pick. My second pick is I've got three right now. To break the record, I need another 88 to break Lorne Michael's record of Emmy nominations. He's got 90. Jesus Christ.

He's got 90. It might be more i've as of the last one i forget when this article is published but he has 90 emmy nominations so i'm gonna need 88 more to break the record 87 a tie and i feel like you get me in the right situation i can get 88 more emmy nominations you got time is on your side I'll start choreographing things. You know, I'll start. Yeah, you should get into makeup. Hardest working guy in the business right here.

You just got to spin plates, man. That's all it is. Anyone will tell you. Any old Hollywood head will tell you. Every show, you know, one-off specials, live specials, award shows. I'll start working on all these things. I think actually there is a formula here. Just before you even get into like your own, you being the star of something it's you have

to write for every single award show because every award show gets nominated for an award every single year yeah yeah that's true i'm you've written for a bunch so if you're writing emmy grammys oscars tony's vmas whatever else if you're if you're exclusively running that circuit you could get like seven nominations a year you could get this done by like 2030 i'm two grammys i'm two grammys two tonys right now and yeah you're right shock if i started like stacking those numbers up that's already four ian carmel most emmy nominated man honestly forget everything else you're doing let's just focus on this from now on yeah we got to get you 87 more emmy stop kicking that dummy in the nuts i think we have a bigger better goal in mind nah dude because when i finally when i win on that one on the one the 91st because i'm going to win on that one i'm

going to walk up there gene dude you're gonna kick hugh jackman or gene hackman which one did you say both at the same time you're gonna going to crank Gene Hackman in the sack? Ian's going to do a double jump front kick. First of all, he's going to get the Hackman and the Jackman in the same room. And then explode all four testicles. Everyone's going to be like, the Hackman and the Jackman are in the same building. And then Ian runs in and drop kicks one foot in each sack it won't it won't even be when they're announcing ian's award they'll be up there for something entirely different he he burst on like ron artest running into the crowd

absolutely i tear off my tuxedo jacket like i'm fucking hulk hogan getting into the ring and then just crank gene hackman they'll call him ian sackman because he destroyed the hackman's nuts and if hugh jackman tries to stop me he can get it too hugh jackman's gonna try to stop you man he was in les mis he doesn't put up with a lot of shit do you know what you're gonna scream as you do it because you can't do that silently. That's psychopath shit. Oh, I'm screaming. Yeah. Do you know what you're screaming?

Is it going to be like, I am the Royal Tenenbaum. Welcome to Mooseport, dude. I'm screaming welcome to Mooseport and then just fucking cranking Gene Hackman right in the fucking nuts. Right in the bag. I have to like stand up. I laugh so hard. So those are my two picks oh most emmy nominations of all time and the oldest player in the nba game attainable i just picture

the hackman laying on the ground after said not shot and you stand up and you go i hated your balls and then you just walk away by the way he's in his 90s now so by the time this happens oh no that's taking him out he's out that's done that's a wrap that's a wrap he's dead that's a wrap death blow he's dead you're gonna kick him right up to heaven jean hackman is dead ian kicked him into the nuts to death Woof. Dean Hackman is dead. Ian kicked him into the nuts to death. Oh, man. Sean Jordan, time for your second pick.

I think I could take the longest bath. I couldn't. Oh. I saw that one. I couldn't find the record for it, but I don't care. I think I could do it. Can anyone find the record? I found one for the longest bath in baked beans, and it was like 100 hours. Yeah, well, that's I mean, I could do that, too.

But that ain't I ain't playing out here. I'm talking about the longest bath in pee water, and I could do it. Pee water? I'm going to pee in it. What do you think? I'm getting out to go to the bathroom. This ain't half stepping, Dave. Are you allowed to drain and then keep like filling it?

Yeah, I'm sure you can get out and poop and stuff. They're not going to make you poop in the bathtub. I bet you have to poop over the side like at a bridge you have to keep your feet in that's so pooping that's how i poop i mean yeah yeah in general i mean that's that's my day-to-day i go fill up the bathtub halfway and hang a bucket and poop outside of it all right you do things different up there don't they up in the pack nw sure do baby you're not worried about getting like all pruney and stuff you'd get hella pruney i'm not worried about it marissa brought that up i told her this yesterday i told

her my pick and uh she's the same thing she's like you're gonna get all pruned up and i was like no i don't care i mean i feel like after a couple days it'd be past like pruned up you know well if anybody out there or mish i don't know if anybody knows the record i'd love to know what it is i i don't know i i think i got it i don't i if i can keep refilling it and whatever i could sit in a cold bath it would suck but i could do it i just watch i could finally watch gilmore girls it'd be dank yeah that's true yeah yeah i just mean that if if the baked beans one is a hundred hours i imagine the water one hours ain't shit that's like that's like almost four days more than four days like five days but i'm still i don't oh no you're right it's well yeah

it's just over four days anyway i think i i think i got it all right what's the worst food you could eat because you're gonna have to eat what's like the grossest food chili in the bathtub yeah stew yeah spaghetti dude the cover no the cover of gummo or i guess it's profs king gompo but in gummo they eat spaghetti in the bathtub it's it's one of the grossest things in a movie i've ever seen it's so gross that's really upsetting thinking about it yes yeah man longest bath yeah i think i i really think i got it i enjoy baths it's the only bath that's ever occurred where you're dirtier when you get out than when you got him yeah oh by far i've never been one to say a bath cleans you by any means i don't think nobody gets clean from a bath don't put words in my mouth no you don't get clean from a bath ain Don't put words in my mouth. No, you don't get clean from a bath.

Ain't nobody. The royal penis is not clean. I mean, somebody else was bathing him. Anyway, yeah. Longest bath. If anyone can hit me with the actual record, I'd like it. But I got it. I have faith in myself.

I think you might have to break that before this quarantine is over. David, time for your second pick. My second pick my second pick is going to be most cds balanced on one finger i saw that isn't it isn't it like 200 or something 247 by silvio saba how are you gonna do that it's actually the compass compact discs how are you gonna do that you gotta find 250 cds first yeah well you know columbia house 10 for a penny and you multiply that by 20 and then you know you can probably call up clive davis i'm sure he's got a few next to his room full of ripped off

do not get me started dude but the way you can't you can't balance them on your dick because he'll rip it right off he'll rip it off uh this is how they're doing it in the thing because I saw that same thing David did. It's not like this. It's like this. Yeah. Your finger's horizontal. Which is like the way I figure it can't be heavier than like a baseball bat. I do that for days and flip it and shit like that.

I think it's definitely heavier than a baseball bat. 250. Not the case case just the compact disc hold on check your tone homeboy i know i'm looking it up please i don't even know how to start this i i feel like this is part of a really special genre of these world records where it's just like i don't know what compelled someone to try this and then learn it was a world record like there's some of these it's like it kind of makes sense but this one who evens like i bet you i could balance more cds on my finger than anyone in the history of the planet well the way that i think this stuff comes about

is somebody has they're just sitting around one day and they're like bored smoking weed there's a bunch of cds on the coffee table and they just balance 10 on their finger and they're like check it out and then they just end up doing 250 250 at some point it's just a weird thing to realize that you can do this is one of the the weirder ones the real record is thinking of it that's where i'm like i don't know i could do that shit yeah and i mean that's pretty buck to that's a grip of cds and that's heavy i think it's much heavier than a bat if I had to guess. But either way, hard. I couldn't hold it up with one finger, even though I'm fucking Swillian and Gomez.

Is there a certain amount of time you have to hold it up for it to count? No, I think I didn't. It was like on a shitty website. OK, yeah. We'll just say like three seconds and you can balance it for three seconds. So it's like it's like the size of like three or four bats, which I could still think I could do. I think you could. I would stack them on the counter and then I would kind of bring them out, bring them out to my open.

Bring them out, bring them out, push the whole thing out to my open finger and then kind of transfer and lift from there. You know what? I feel like there's one thing we all know about david is that he has incredibly like strong fingers i think he could pull this off everyone's been saying that i would buy that i think i could do it i think i could really do it you have would you have sweat and suit in there or just one sweat and suit sweat and suit sweat and suit sweat and suit oh man what's the top cd like what's the cd that you want to be in the guinness book of world records yeah you have to have it's got to mean a lot right oh that aqua cd yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure that's the one i think i'd have doggy style on there one of the one of the more important cds to me yeah but that

aqua cd is the most cd cd yeah that was the time that was cds that's what we're doing right now that is the most cd cd yeah which aqua like the part the barbie girl aqua and other hit songs why was that such a cds cd it was just like very middle school the girl you have a crush on has it in her anti-skip you know what i mean call on dr jones yeah it never i I feel like that Aqua thing never existed on tape or there's no MP3s. MP3. No, it was only CDs.

You can only get it on CD. We had that CD in high school for some reason. We used to play it in Sam talent's car and he would say, I am the candy man. That one song. And then we would say, come on, get in my van.

It was weird time. I'll tell you why you had it because it's full of bangers dude it's like dr jones calling dr jones dr jones dr jones get up now wake up now i don't think i've ever even heard i've never even heard the other songs i don't think they're all pretty similar to the first song it's the that's fine the woman's singing something reasonable and the guy's singing something reasonable, and the guy's singing like, I got a pocket full of muskrats.

He's just like saying wild shit. You are my muskrat man. Yeah, that's it. That's awkward, dude. Yeah, that's awkward. Shout out to the sweets. Sean, it's time for your second and third picks. My second pick, you know,

so this one might need a little help. I'm going to need a couple hundred thousand people to get me in a position to break this pick. I think that I could break... Yeah, of course. Noted extremely racist Senator Strom Thurmond's record for the

longest filibuster. Sure. I'll help you break that. Oh, you mean because we need toibuster. Sure. I'll help you break that. Yeah. Oh, you mean because we need to elect you. Right. So in 1957, Strom Thurmond, an incredibly racist senator from South Carolina, did the longest single person filibuster of all time, 24 hours and 18 minutes of the 1957 Civil Rights Act. Dude was just like, no, no civil rights for anyone.

That's a terrible record. That's a stain on American history. He continued in politics till the day that he died. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And in a truly American fashion. A hundred years later. Yep. Wasn't he about a hundred when he died? Probably. The thing about racism is it

apparently lets you live forever. You tell me. You have to talk the whole time with a filibuster? Yeah. Am I insane? You cannot. You always have to be speaking. You always have to be standing. You can't see the whole time with a filibuster? Yeah. Am I insane? You cannot. You always have to be speaking. You always have to be standing. You can't cede the floor except to a question. So you can like if someone that you trust wants to ask you a question, shout out to the West Wing for teaching me this

when I should have been doing college applications and was watching episodes instead. If someone asks you a question, you can like cede your time and like wait for them to answer and then keep talking. But outside of that, you just talk until you can't anymore. You can read the phone book. You can read the rules to poker. You can, you know, or write the great American novel, whatever you want.

But you got to always be talking. No, it seems like a very, very smart check and balance checks and balances. Great government. You have to be standing too right how do you do so do you just hang your butt over the side like the tub thing or I mean it's not too different I've gone a day

without poop I can I can not poop for a day for filibuster without pooping I think if somebody asks you a question you see their time then you can go take like a poop and then drink a gatorade and come back. I don't know for sure. I would just plan on going straight through because I'm going to find just the most nothing burger bill. And to be clear, the filibuster right now works a little differently. We need even filibuster reform from what we currently have.

You don't technically have to speak. It's just like, hey, I'm going to filibuster this. Cool. It's dead kind of situation but uh no no i would i would get elected i would do my best as a politician and i would just wait my whole life for this moment where i could just talk about nothing really i think fulfilling my true destiny, which is to talk more than anyone has ever talked in the history of humanity. I love it. I see it for you. Yeah, I think that's doable, man. I think that's fucking doable.

You got a good, you got a soothing, calming voice, too. I think it'd be, I think it'd be all right. It's very kind of you, Sean. I think it'd be a groovy, far out show. Do you think I'll have to deal with what a lot of people on the internet do and someone will start like commenting like we hate your vote. We hate your vocal fry halfway through my filibuster. Maybe. Yeah, but that's not turn a blind eye, man.

Yeah, it's not for the quality of the tone of voice. Sure. The length, right? Absolutely. Numbers on the board, right? Oh, yeah. I'm just look, man. Once I cross 24, 24 hours and 19 minutes, I don't even need to shatter it.

Just one minute more. I'm done calling a day. Put that record to bed. shatter it. Just one minute more. I'm done. Call it a day. Put that record to bed. Move on to the next thing. No, Jeff, you? Yeah. So my third pick, though, this one's going back to my roots as well.

I think I could break the record for most times bouncing a tennis ball in a row on a tennis racket. That's interesting. How much is that? How many is it? The record is 6,800. Oh, sorry. So 6,860. That's interesting. How much is that? How many is it? The record is 6,800. Oh, sorry. 6,860. Let me guess.

6,860. We got to go to Vegas. I was going to say 69, 187, 311, or 420. Those are always my four guesses when it's a number thing. How long would that take? Probably a long time. So at least a half an hour, right right if you're trying to go like really

quick bounces if i would was doing like trying to control it maybe like an hour or something uh so i i brought this up to our other tennis friend zach discani the other day pete pete sampras pete sampras yes uh i i have always been calling zach that and uh you know he hasn't ever once corrected me so he's saying he won't oh yeah he's a pistol that's because it's pete sampras he's i mean he does have the wilson rackets for it he's pete sampras dude we'll get into that later but uh but yeah uh and he's like there's no way you could do that that would take forever that's so many and i i had to tell the story when i was in high school i was high school tennis player our tournament got rained out and we were trying to burn time until we could

you know leave and i was just like how long can i do this for and i got to 2000 ish before i was like this is boring i'm done so i really bet if i just like how long did that take oh man like 20 30 minutes okay so this we're talking like an hour. Hour, hour and a half. Hour, hour and a half. I bet you would be one of those things where it's like, you know, if you like try to hold your arms out at your shoulder length for like five minutes, they start to hurt like a mother

just because it's like it's a lot harder than you think it is. I bet at like the like 35, 40 minute mark, I'd be like holding my arm up with my other arm just to keep it going. Oh, for sure. Yeah, well, you can do that. Here's another thing. If you were doing this,

would you count or would you have somebody there to count so you could just focus on doing it? I would have someone there to count because even if I'm not focusing, the bigger issue for me was I would miss one or I'd count something twice

and be like, ah, shit, what was that? And then I'd be like be like well i guess i have to restart now yeah it seems like it'd be easier to be like all right i need i need to do this for an hour instead of thinking i need to do six thousand of these you're just like i can do this for an hour you can set like a stopwatch in front of you or whatever have it count down but yeah i i have faith in you for that i think i think that's my that's my ticket to glory is just that and that feels like a real one too that's like a really that feels like a real record that people might try that's like actually a difficult like you know i think you can do it i believe in you i just trying to get published any way i can someone wants to pay me to freelance write for them i'll do it but also if guinness wants me to bounce a tennis ball a bunch of times i'm in a book that's true write a write a write an article about trying

to do it for si if someone wants to pay me yeah i'm in a someone who's also in a book it's pretty cool books are tight i don't i don't do books man but if somebody wants to pay me i'll go ahead and bounce a ball on a tennis racket ian's in that book too oh sean i'm in that're in that book. I'm in that book. The angle you're working at now makes you look like you're about to start rapping. This is a mixtape cover. This is fantastic. Oh, 100%.

One, two. The sun don't shine forever. As long as it's here, then we might as well shine together. Better now than never, business. Before pleasure, Puff Daddy and the fam. Who you know do it better? Yeah, right.

You're right. No matter what. Man, that was like when I first started running running that was the song that would get me going that song knocks that song's hard so good he recorded it right before he died i think his biggie his birth damn i guess that's why they call it window pane man what do you do david said it best yeah david's favorite rap lyric you know that shocker from an eminem song every time we hang out he tells me about it he only likes rap songs where megan fox and dominic monaghan are in the video so i don't know who dominic monaghan is

i think it's him he was in lord of the rings he was one of the hobbits i don't think i ever lost i don't know if i've seen that video even you just listen to the lyrics and study them that song's a movie no i don't i never liked the vibe of that song except for that one line at all i mean are you gonna ask david to sing it for your first dance sean we're not actually gonna dance at our wedding what yeah are you serious no i'm kidding of course for everybody is that rule for everybody or no everyone's dancing and you will be singing sean's wedding is in the town from footloose adam adam got so mad at me one time because i said i wasn't going to let any of my friends talk at my wedding of course they get to talk at my wedding uh and there will be dancing and

things if i ever get to get married damn it that's neither here nor there and yes david will be rapping that one line of that m&m song i will not yes but i'll get good i'll get you a cool present i will not well you can't what you can rap to us my friend is your next pick there it is oh this one i don't know why most jello eaten with chopsticks in one minute whoa what 3.2 ounces is the record, and that seems light to me. Jell-O would be hard to eat with chopsticks. That's going to fall off your chopsticks, man. Unless it was the Jell-O squares is how I would have it set up, the cubes.

I still think. I mean, I used to eat chips with chopsticks. Are you good at chopsticks? You nice with them? Yeah. When I'm like on it, like when I was working at the casino, I started eating chips with chopsticks. So I didn't get like chipsticks.

Yeah. All these all these people, the casino, they would get chips and then they pour hot sauce in there and shake them up and then they'd eat them with chopsticks. That sounds great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like smart to not get it on your hands.

And then I just had a time period where that was like i was just mostly eating with chopsticks and i was pretty good at it like gingerly like i can eat rice and stuff with chopsticks and i think it's the same kind of thing as far as like the scoop towards the edge of the bowl and then bring it up to your i mean if i could just do it like a mad like a like a psycho two ounces doesn't seem like that much how many i i didn't look at how much is in a box of jello how many ounces is a box of jello it's got to be way more than that probably because it's so water dense right i wonder if there's caveats where it's like yeah three it doesn't seem like that's a lot it seems like i could do that and i suck at

chopsticks 3.2 ounces that's three shot glasses yeah in how long 10 seconds in a minute that's two shot glasses a shot is an ounce and a half okay yeah so it's two shot glasses it's funny how much we think in terms of shot glasses yeah it's a bummer we are but yeah yeah yeah most jello eaten with chopsticks in one minute i think i got it yeah that sounds like you do i think it's like looking it up it was like one of those ones where you're like I think only one guy ever even thought to do this what if it falls off the chopstick can you just go back for more and you're like I I think that's has to be it can't be like you know what I mean I think it's just you can grab more interesting all right do you have a flavor you would go with oh I mean I'm not eating it for flavor but i always like lime jello i like

green jello do you remember that time in the 90s where they had that jello that people made with like martinette like sparkling apple cider oh yeah no fuck with some of that you don't remember that sean no i love jello though i think the way i think the way that you really flex on everyone is not only do you break this record but then then you go, surprise, it was jello shots the whole time. Oh, and then you're hammered. Oh, yeah. And then I eat the chopsticks and walk out. These are French fries.

Yeah, yeah. Mr. Guinness doesn't know what to do with you. You just step over Gene Hackman. You go, I also hated football. You hang up a phone call. Hold on. I just bought the Kansas City Chiefs. And then you're out.

I picture us breaking all these records in like a big stadium somewhere, like just all at once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just like five really weird tables set up. We have like World Record Week, and we all like go to, I don't know, more like just all at once yeah yeah yeah there's just like five really weird tables set up we have like world record week and we all like go to i don't know go to three rivers stadium or something and just break all the tickets i buy tickets when i was on game on we tried to break a record which was like the longest hot dog throw caught in a bun like so we had like me and venus and gronk

and bobby lee all trying to catch and throw hot dogs from like so we had like me and venus and gronk and bobby lee all trying to catch and throw hot dogs from like so we had like professional athletes but you had to catch it with just the bun yeah how long was that what was the distance it was pretty fucking far i forget exactly what but it was under 50 yards you think it was like around probably right around 50 yards actually that's pretty fun you have to throw it with a bun no you could throw it however so you could throw the loose hot dog and you had to catch it like a baseball glove you couldn't have hands you had to catch it with yeah i mean your hands on the bun obviously but it had to be like if it was a mitt yeah that sounds fun so here's what i'm saying too if you could throw a hot dog 50 yards you could absolutely

throw an apple 70 yards that's true it's true maybe it wasn't 50 yeah it was far though and like hard to catch a hot dog in a bun hard to throw a hot dog if i if you tried to like whip a hot dog it would it was just seems like it'd blow up or something i think you'd have to go with its natural shape i think you'd have to like like a footballer you know what i mean like yeah no Yeah. Like a javelin toss. That's what Gronk did in between Super Bowl wins. Sean Jordan, time for your third pick. Third pick. I think I got the longest hug.

Right now the record is 30 hours and one minute. Damn it. I'll hug you for 30 hours and two minutes. Wow. Shocker. Was that on your list? That was on my list. So here's the thing.

I did bring this up to lani my girlfriend who said and i quote you'll need to find someone else to hug for that long she's right yeah it would be it would be tough it would be you want to break this one together i was gonna say i wouldn't hug the queen it'd be tight if we broke it together um always has to be the one who asks where you poop since you i've gone 30 hours without pooping dog i could do it no no but i'm not being i'll put on one of those little uh one of those like pee in the woods diaper things um so you're just gonna pee all over shocker's crotch no about half no no what's gonna happen is about halfway through that time if the room is just gonna start to smell

real bad you can spider pee where you go like, where you guys inch over to a toilet. Yeah, we could. Sit on it like that. Well, we could pee in between each other's legs, too. Right, right. One of us just like, kind of like bends our knees a little bit to change the angle. The other one stands up. Yeah.

Do you think you make all the hugging noises when you're doing a 30-hour hug? I picture it like we're doing a 30-hour prom hug oh so do you how often do you think you'll say how often you're gonna like back pat are you gonna you're gonna like massage my shoulders a little bit with it i think that sort of thing to keep ourselves i think to keep ourselves entertained we will do intermittent back patting uh it'll be like the tig bit where she pushes the stool across the stage. We'll back pat for an hour or something and then

it'll get annoying and then maybe we'll pick it up a couple hours later. It'll be funny again. Do we get to lay down at all? I don't think so. I think it's got to be standing. I think that's just snuggling. That's turning into sex. David,

none of us are married so we don't know yet. Sean, we can pass time. We'll play drum beats from songs on each other's backs and make the other person guess which song it is. We spell things on each other's back and like, what am I spelling? Do you have 30 hours worth of things you can spell? I don't think it would be an issue. I'm just kidding.

I feel like that took me a second because i thought we were better friends than that this is why they call it switch on the other side and just peek over each other's shoulders and play like civilization oh that's what i like i think we can we'll do like uh lean on each other yeah we can lean into each other and like brace each other up i i really gonna have to sleep this would be one that would be hard but i really definitely think we could do it you'd be hard probably the whole time dude i mean you get a boner probably once a day just yeah by chance just on accident that's just like friction probably just have a boner at some point yeah i'm in my 20s it just happens on accident sometimes yeah wow same here i'm also in my 20s i'm in my i'm in my late late 30s you've got a

significantly better hairline than i do so i think you still win this round thanks bud all right well we're gonna we both win when we hug each other for 30 hours and two minutes i'd love to see this happen i will i think we could do it i'll go to kinko's and print out a banner about it for you guys. That's my contribution. I'm in. That would be the best. I wish if there was like a defined like, okay, boom, coronavirus is done. We can all touch each other and do stuff again.

This would be something I'd be like, let's do this in a month to celebrate and have like, make it be a thing. Stand for 30 hours and two minutes and hug each other. Once you get that wacky vaccy, i think you get in on it dude as ian unveils george bush's mission accomplished banner in the background we got that's the thing we could have like we could yeah we could we could do all kinds of stuff we could we we could go to a movie. We could watch all the Lord of the Rings movies. We'll put one TV on one side and one on the other.

Eat buffalo wings over each other's shoulders. If we put you on a little platform that could be moved around, it could get really interesting. That's what I'm saying. We could go to the Santa Monica Pier. That's enough time to drive from LA to Portland and back. I'm into this. Let's do this. Time for my third pick. My third pick and my fourth pick as it is. With my third

pick, I'm going to take one that I don't think has ever been set before. So this is just me. Most hours spent defending Sublime on Twitter. As far as I know, I already have this record. I was going to say, I think you got it. Yeah, I would not refute

that. I'm sure that you have it. Of the people who are on Twitter, enough to do this, I think I probably like Sublime the most. You know? You like Sublime a lot. I like Sublime a lot, and I'll get lot and i and i'll get into i'll get into the weeds about why i think they're great i'll name songs deep songs deep song deep cuts

the scarlet begonias cover you know what i mean i love that the grateful dad i'll get it i'll get i'll get right into it dude it's something i've done this is a cumulative this is over a lifetime i don't have to do it all in one sitting and And like, yeah, I'll talk about Bad Fish. Bad Fish, dude. That was, I used to go to the Nickel Spot. We played pool at the Nickel Spot every Monday night. And I would go in and play Bad Fish like five times on the jukebox. And all these like pool hall scumbags would get so pissed about it

because they wanted to hear like Dio and shit. Ah, Bad Fish is such a good song. So good. I digress. Not as good as same in the end, which I'll be bringing up a lot on Twitter. That's another greatest hit trans world. The third trans world video.

That's like the San Diego section. They use that song. That's down in Mississippi where the sun beats down from the sky. That's right. That one. They give it up and they give it up and they give it up and they never ask why most hours. I feel like I put in about 30 already and i don't i don't think anyone's come

close to that no yeah that's a lot yeah i've been there when you have been defending sublime on the internet i've been sitting next to you and i'm like get him get him jonah ray jonah ray loves coming after me for that shit i'm coming after you jonah ray world-class dj jonah ray coming after you dude jr is a sublime hater, huh? Big sublime hater. Come on, you knew that just by looking at him. I'll bring it up. If we ever get to do comedy festivals again, it'll come up.

Yeah. Oh, it's coming up. So most hours spent defending sublime. Shocker, I noticed you were strangely quiet during that period. Do you not love and treasure sublime? I could not name you a single sublime song. Oh, boy. Shocker's 24. 25.

Give me some credit. That's 25 years that Sublime has been around. He has no extra no excuse. They've been around his whole life. What year were you born, Shocker? I'm a child of 1995. Yeah. First of all, shut the fuck up.

I was still. Sorry, that was just my gut. I still thought I was a crip in 1995. Yeah. First of all, shut the fuck up. Sorry, that was just my gut. I still thought I was a crip in 1995. I still thought that I was in a gang when I was 1995. You were born a crip though, right? So that's your whole life. Well, I won as well, so yeah. They didn't beat you out of it. You just left.

They beat me off of it, I'll tell you that. All three of us. So most hours spent defending sublime and then my fourth pick and this one is one of those ones that seems crazy most gummy bears eaten in a minute with with cocktail with basically toothpicks 31 that's oh you could be crushed that i got could crush that bam bam in a minute yeah 31 come on are they pre-stabbed are you stabbing and picking like that because i feel like that could be an issue either way i got it i don't know get a big enough bowl and you're all right you just and you two hands by the way too you can you know two hand it two hand is it two handed it's two hands or one hand i get two seconds for each gummy bear. One one thousand. Two one thousand.

Call the cops, dude. Let's break that this afternoon. We can break that while we're on wax. Well, that's when we tell him they were all edibles and then he spins out. 31 edibles in a minute. Fuck. Who does he think he is? Mike Malloy? Oh my god. All of Mike Malloy's would be weed related

he might eat like a pound of weed in 30 seconds or some shit i was there it was something nuts it was like a thousand milligrams but he did something really i saw it it was something really dangerous and he did he wasn't like that it was it was fucked up man i all i know is i was in michigan and i texted him as it was happening. And I was like, you good, buddy? Because I just had just turned on the stream. And the text I got back was, I can never die. I am God. Yeah.

He could have been doing any number of things at any hour of the day to send that text. I just don't get it. I can't have any weed anymore. And he can just have a thousand? He's a drug monster. He can have a thousand weeds. Unbelievable. God he's a drug monster he got a thousand weeds unbelievable bless him god bless him god bless everyone yeah 31 31 fucking gummy bears i've i don't think that's crazy at all i think i've accidentally eaten 31 gummy bears in a minute

where i like one of us will bring some uh like a bag of gummy bears back to the crib from fred meyer or something and it happened with all of us where oh i know it happened for me specifically where i'd be eating eating eating and then i'm like shit there's one left and i'm pretty sure i just mad dog this whole bag oh yeah right when i set it down so i'd leave like one in there but then it'd be there for like three days because we're all like well did we eat most of the gummy bear who wants one gummy bear right yeah yeah that's not even the game it's always the clear one that's the one left if i'm only eating one i pretend like i'm a bond villain and like i just eat it one little piece i'm real little like say goodbye to your left leg i hate to ruin your standing in Monte Carlo, Mr. Bear.

And then you eat his legs. Yeah. I had a hand in your downfall and then you eat his hands. Yeah. Alright. That's what's up, dude. Sean, time for your fourth pick. I think I could build, I could

break the world record for building a uh assembling a 30 level jenga tower so just putting up a jenga tower oh yeah the world record right now is two minutes and 51 seconds and i think 30 levels they're stacking a jenga tower basically so like the jenga game stacking it can't be but up to 30 levels i think that's the whole game i think i think that's just like the full way of saying it. But I think you go to Target, you buy a Jenga game, I think it's 30 levels high. Those are 30 top?

I don't know that. No, I feel like that might be like 15. No way. I doubt. Either way, I think I could go with that. We're going to find out how many blocks are in a Jenga game. Yeah, standard Jenga height. Look it up.

The Jenga. So there it up. The Jenga. So there are 54, so that's 18. Okay, so yeah. Be harder than I had anticipated, but I think I could do that. In 2 minutes and 51 seconds, it's like a minute, roughly a minute for 10

rows, and there are 3 apiece just alternating. I don't think that'd be hard at all all right all right yeah i think you could do it i think yeah i think you could probably do it are you a jenga guy i've always liked jenga yeah um i don't think i've ever played a game of jenga we played big jenga bronger's barbecue we played big jenga a couple times oh yeah that's right like yeah what jenga yeah i've seen that on a lot of patios i was kind of there who did it who kicked it was uh john door i'd be standing there building the tower back up to play it and he'd come by it was real funny but he like like five different times he came by acting like

he he tripped and just knocked over this tower that i had spent because that's not easy those are two by four so it takes you like 15 minutes to set it up. And each time he'd be like, Sean, I'm so sorry. And then it got to the point where I'd see him coming. And I was like, it's all funny, dude. Please don't knock this over. And then he'd be like, that's crazy. I'm not going to do it five times.

And then he would convince me that he wasn't going to do it. And then I think one time he threw a football at it. Now that I'm thinking about it, I think like the last time he threw a football from across the yard he's like i'm so sorry door is hilarious he's a very very very funny man yeah anyway so i think i could assemble the quick jenga tower that's so funny all right yeah great pick david this one would take a lot of time i think it would maybe require me going back to school finishing up my engineering degree but i think i could get most layers on a sandwich it's 60 right now okay okay i'm trying to make a dag what if i put what if i put 60 uh layers of thin sliced

turkey on a sandwich does that count i don't i don't know the rules that's like that i was saying alternate each i was in my head each layer is an alternate agree ingredient but you can repeat ingredients what if you just go turkey and then airbrush mayo and then turkey and then airbrush mayo so it's so thin that's what i'm saying that's you could do a bunch of stuff i think it's like uh i think it's the wild wild west out there what if it had to be 60 different things i could probably figure that out it's a big world out there how many different kinds of chips are there there's so many different kinds of like like prosciutto there's like 20 different kinds of those kinds of hams you can just call those different things and They're all sliced paper thin. Some capicoles, some roast bees,

the entire Boar's Head catalog. Every kind of mustard. Yeah, because what's Boar's Head? Boar's Head's got to have 20 to 25 meats under their belt alone right now. But the bun is going to be two fried chicken patties, right? No, no. It's a sandwich. I'm going to double down on this bet. Did any of you guys try that when that came out

the double down yeah I unfortunately did it was real bad oh no it was not it was amazing it was bad for you no it was fantastic it was bad Sean look you're talking to someone who had 1am Taco Bell last night so I'm not in a position to speak

you're also talking to old Captain Cream Corn and Hot Sauce don't listen to him it was bad cream corn and mustard thank you excuse me it was much worse it was much worse much grosser than what you said run him his credit make him his credits with mustard yeah i think i think i could engineer it yeah i got all right what if you had to eat it then do you think. All right. What if you had to eat it then? Do you think you could still do it? If I had to eat it? Yeah.

No, I could not eat the whole thing. I had to stop myself on a lot of the eating ones because I'm like, no, I couldn't do that. There's not even a funny world where I could do. Like these eating ones are crazy. I'll tell you what I could eat. 31 fucking gummy bears in a minute. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I could eat 3.2 ounces of jello with chopsticks in a minute yeah you're sure good i think i could eat 3.2 ounces of jello with a chopstick with chopsticks in a minute eat 31 gummy bears and give give the hack man a sack lunch right afterwards i've these are the last two gummy bears i eat dude i just picture him coming off his feet from the death blow that you just booed him in the nuts. It's just so funny looking to me. You can see the soul leaving his body. He makes that noise like, that one where he's like, I don't care who hears what I sound like. He's like, oh, God.

And I'm crying because I just killed my old sensei, dude. Gene Hackman. Wait. You didn't tell me that Malibu Joe, what's his name? Joey Escobar Malibu Martial Arts. You didn't tell me Joey Esc malibu joe what's his name joey escobar malibu marshall tell me joey escobar was gonna be there shocker time for your fourth pick and then your final pick which is the lightning round pick so my fourth pick i'm gonna go with i think i could break the record for the fastest time

eating a bowl of cereal oh Oh, what is the record? It's 19 and a half seconds. Whoa. 19 and a half seconds for a bowl of cereal. Grape nuts? So I'm going to go, I'm going to actually face my fears. I'm going to go with Captain Crunch. And I say that like that for this.

I love you, but you're an animal. You better be on your way to the dentist, man. You're going to have to get oral surgery after that shit. I have had a lifelong fear of captain crunch because when i was a kid i had a nightmare that captain crunch abducted me onto his boat and then started bombing my childhood home that happened to a lot of kids yeah i was gonna say that's real i i am you best start believing in ghost stories shocker because you're in i i fully plan on conquering these demons and breaking a world record at the same time i will bury captain crunch now i will put

him in the fucking dirt the face in your voice my friend i feel like the only way to do this is fruity or cocoa pebbles but yeah that's how i would go 19 seconds you the thing is you could you could do it i would i mean bite my tongue i'd bite through my tongue 19 and a half seconds huh so with a bowl of cereal am i just your standard bowl uh i think so let me see if there's any now what's what's the utensil game like are we doing it straight like with a spoon or are we just throwing it down the gullet chopsticks for you hot shot i'm not a hot shot because i use chopsticks you fuck whatever rich boy have fun with your chopsticks i'm looking at the record and this dude is doing it yeah so he's got a bowl i think it's dry oh man he's just using like regular fucking like kroger brand brand cereal. This is bleak. Wait, there's no milk?

I don't see milk unless he's about to add it. Oh, that seems. Oh, no, no, there's milk. There's milk. It's exactly one cup of cereal and one cup of milk. The blood from the roof of your mouth would be just fine. Yeah, that seems terrible. Yeah, 19.4 seconds. One cup of cereal? One cup of cereal is all.

He used the same measuring cup. Oh, I could. So, okay, so you take a cup of cereal, a cup of milk, put it in a bowl, and eat it all with a spoon? Does he have to drink all the milk? As fast as you can. I think so. In 19 seconds? Boy, I might be able to take that down, too. That sounds

interesting. Forget your next... Guys, forget your next live show. We're just going to set up all these records. Oh, people would fucking love that. That'd be way darker. I'd be up for that. I would be. So I'll drink a pint glass hot.

The next live show we get to do, I bet you're solid ass. I'm going to be there. I've already planned this out. We're going. I'll drink a pint glass of diarrhea and have a night afterwards. Wait, do you know what you just said? I did. After I said it, I was like...

In my mind, I was like, I hope you didn't just say, I'll drink a pint glass of diarrhea. The confidence that I just said that way. I'll drink a pint glass of diarrhea. I don't give a shit who's watching. I will not do that. I will drink a pint glass of hot sauce.

Oh, man. I said it with so much confidence. Yeah, you would say it. You really did. I'm going to drink a pint glass of hot sauce oh i said it with so much confidence yeah you really did i'm gonna drink i'll drink a gallon of diarrhea i don't give a shit rules were made to be broken roaring 20s baby is that gonna be on your rider or are you gonna bring it yourself i'll bring it in god's rider my friend i'll just take it right right in my butt gross oh man yeah all right fifth pick lightning around this one doesn't need much explanation i'm gonna break jr smith's record for most parades participated in shirtless oh yeah that's a good one i'm just gonna i'm gonna that's gonna be my new thing president obama's gonna call me and be like

my man put your shirt on and i'm gonna be like no you can't tell me what to do i don't think well he's not president anymore so exactly yeah he's busy making netflix shows and spotify podcast what's his rec what's the record? I'm going to guess like six. I don't know. J.R. Lewis is a full life. Are you just jumping into like the Rose Parade? Oh, I'm not invited to any of these. No, no, no.

Okay. I'm still me. I'm just showing up at parades and getting onto floats and just taking this bad boy off. Sure. I feel you. Do you feel? I'm going to need Sean's abs to do it, but we'll get there. Sean's got Sean's got an eight pack

juicy abs. Yeah. Eight pack predator. I feel like Sean's looking at his phone right now. Yep. I was looking at my next pic. There it is right there. Probably looking at a picture of his own abs. Probably on the boob side. Is that what's going on?

No, man. I don't want to get my phone to get a virus dude i don't go on the boob site anymore what are you talking about i don't it's my pick i don't go to the boob site it's crazy why would i go to the boob site there's not any boobs on there anymore it sounds like shut down almost which parades would you go to shocker we need to know exactly what and and how would you get into them sioux falls saint patrick's day parade uh no so i would do i would do uh an nba No, so I would do an NBA championship parade. I would do specifically also a hockey championship parade because those people get rowdy. Oh, yeah. And I don't think everyone

would be too drunk to realize I'd slipped in. I think I look, if I grow my beard out, I'd look just funky enough to be like a defenseman for like the Calgary Flames or something. I'll buy that. I would then do like some, so I would find a country that had just won independence

and I would go to their independence parade. Nice. And that would just, I would become a national symbol of glory. The shirtless, the shirtless man celebrating, right? I would, you know, after that, I would just kind of freelance around like, you know, Yellow Pages.

I'd become the parade guy uh i might i might try to do the puerto rican day parade i'm not cool enough for that i don't have enough carnival yes you are carnival i think you're not the only shirtless one there yeah you bobby i think my i think the move would also be like you have to be in disguise because people would start to recognize you. Event coordinators would be like, no, that's the guy who tries to get on floats and get shirtless. I would show up to the Cedar Point or the Six Flag guys with the old dude with the suit who starts dancing. I would show up at one of the parades dressed like that. I'd go into one.

I would dress like Waldo for another one before I stripped. Damn right you would. Where's Waldo? He's right here and he's shirtless on your float boom goes the dynamite absolutely you asked me to get shirtless oh no no no I said I see it

I see a vision oh this one I don't know why I thought I could do it it just seemed like it would not be that hard most sticky notes on your face in a minute 38 oh you could break that 38 yeah it seemed like It would not be that hard. Most sticky notes on your face in a minute. 38. Oh, easy. Oh, you could break that.

38. Yeah, it seemed like real lightweight. Can they not be touching? Even if they can't be. You couldn't do it if they couldn't be touching. But yeah, you could, I mean, probably get 38 on your forehead if they could be touching. I don't think I could fit 38 on my face if they couldn't be touching. But that's the question.

Like world's tallest man is a, is a record, you know, is this a face size record more than it is a sticky notes record? It might be. I wonder if it's a thing where like they can be touching, but you have to have like, at least part of it has to be touching skin.

I bet you that that's cause that's kind of, that would be my strategy is just like coming a line, like up under, up up under up under of course i gotta be touching skin you're gonna be sticking to something you can't just glue them all together but yeah i mean that's not even you know i'll probably take like a month train and then i think i could do it all right fuck yeah yeah john now it is your pick thank you i would drink a pint i would uh the world record to be broken is is that much diarrhea and I would drink a pint. I would drink a pint glass of diarrhea. There's no world. The world record to be broken is

that much diarrhea and I would drink a pint glass. I think I could break the world record for Dr. Mario. I've already broken it. It just wasn't official. It's right around 2,900,000 and I give me a week. It's done. Really? A week?

Give me a week and an NES like an nes like an actual nintendo dunzo it it takes like six hours though is the thing so it would suck you could do it while you're in the bath two birds one stone yeah yeah damn yeah i could or i could do it while i was hugging shocker that'd be a fun you know i'd be fun. I'd be cheering you on. Hug Shocker in the bath, playing Dr. Mario, drinking hot sauce, playing Jenga. What do they call that? Rule number 23 on the

internet? The only issue with this scenario is I'm going to betray you and right after you get out of the bath, I'm going to stay in it for one second longer so I hold the record. Man, Dark Shock Oh, man. Dark shocker, dude. The sun sets earlier where you live.

Time for my final pick and I'm going to take a record I briefly held. Youngest head writer in late night network history. Wait, you think you can get it again? No, I think I had it. I had it. I'm going to Benjamin Button. man wait you think you can get it again no i think i had it i had it i get you yeah i'm gonna benjamin button i'm gonna call up steven colbert and then i got broken by my former co-worker nita swice but i had it baby oh yeah hell yeah oh that's my final pick marissa

do you have a pick oh i couldn't really think of one but one world record that i did participate in we didn't end up winning but it was the largest nerf gun fight and it was just really fun to fight in and i would uh definitely love to participate in that again if we would ever break the world record i would fuck with that so good well we want to hear yours hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com that's on the internet now shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything patreon thank you so much for holding us down we really appreciate you shout out to everyone on the sheslackity as well shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything subreddit shout out to saint sue carmel shout out to super producer

marissa shout out to frankie ocean sid the dude haji beats and more important than all of that tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. One cup of diarrhea. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. that was a hate gun podcast