All Fantasy Everything - YA Books (w/ Dana Schwartz, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

We were bitten by the intellectual bug this week. But the intellectual bug was a young adult so we drafted YA books! We are all very smart.  Guest:    Dana Schwartz @danaschwartzzz IG: @danaschwartzzz Pre-order Anatomy: A Love Story Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting YA books, and our guest today is the reason why. She just wrote and is about to publish Anatomy, A Love Story.

It's Dana Schwartz. Dana is the creator and host of the history podcast noble blood and author of several other books uh which you'll hear about once we start the episode i'm your host ian carmel and i'm joined as always by my friend sean jordan and the bolivian sensation himself david borey let's get into it welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything the podcast that is standing in time square right now waiting for the ball to drop. Is that happening? I don't know if that's happening.

Did we agree on YA novels? I'm scared now. I'm scared. I thought it said books we read when we were kids. I can show you the text. That's okay. What do we want to do? Books we read when we were kids?

Let me redo the intro. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This all goes in. This just shows my fear. Okay. I'm going to need a lot of leeway i would venture to guess that a lot of the books you read as when you were a kid were ya novels no they weren't not the category of ya novel really is like a more recent invention like where it's like a book like

catcher in their eye like now it's considered YA, but wasn't published. So now we're just saying pics. Now we're saying pics in the beginning. Not on my list. We're not. There's a lot. There she is.

Dana, you fucked up. We are saying, we just are saying pics now. And you should feel bad. My list, my list are damn near children's books. So, or they are, they just are.

Are they picture books? Kind of. What does that mean Are they picture books? Kind of. What does that mean? We said books you read when you were a kid. I mean, yeah. I think that's fine. I think that's fine. I can put in books I read when I was a kid.

I'll get it done. Let's just say books we read 15 and younger. 12 and younger? 12 and younger. Whatever. I got a couple. We'll get there. Listen, we're not going to do a lot of book-related drafts,

so this is what it is. It's books that we knew about when we were cheering. These are vegetables. Books have been called the vegetables for your eyes. I don't know if you guys have ever heard that. No one has said that besides you. And I didn't fare too well in the vegetable draft either. You hear me lash out at Dana earlier because I'm still carrying a grudge

from the Shrek shlacking. The first time she was on the podcast. So that day was the day that we found out that we had viable embryos. Dana, that was like the first time that I met you. It wasn't like it was the first time I met you. What a wild two things to have correlate. I just came in so hot with deep personal information. And I was like, I'm sorry, Dana.

This is so personal. But I'm very excited. I have to say it. So yeah, that was... And now we've got a baby. Now I've held one of those embryos. I'm not the one you're thinking of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got a lot of embryos over here. I think this is so romantic. It's like, Ian, we're going back to the spot we had our first date. Yeah. Similar, similar. A lot more gooey it's a lot more gooey what do you do with the extra embryos is that even is that polite to ask you can you can pay those up for grabs you keep them on ice yeah they're up for grabs man dibs you got 50 american dollars we can talk that's just to talk no that's to talk that's just to talk no well that's to talk

that's just to open the conversation okay that's yeah you gotta have 50 bucks to get in the room i guess just to hear just to even text uh yeah you can keep them on ice players only you have to pay for it and then it's harsh because when you when you stop yeah you can't just keep those in your freezer no yeah what's do Do people ever give them to people? Like as a gift? Oh, that's a good... Merry Christmas. That's a good question, though.

Can you give it away? Give it away, give it away, give it away, give it away now. Thank you. Crip sugar sex magic. I feel like there has to be some kind of paper trail. I don't think you can just be out here giving people embryos. You tried to name Maxine Crip Sugar Sex Magic first, right? I still call her Crip Sugar.

It's going to be very confusing when she gets to school. Crip Sugar Plum Parents. She's going to be the youngest person with a face tattoo at whatever private school that we send her to for free. You better get to it, man, because those face tattoos are showing up younger and younger yeah man pierced ears face tattoos take her to claire's dude does claire's do face tattoos i think they do now yeah yeah if you go to the right claire's i don't want to know the youngest person with a face tattoo but i bet it's

so young i bet it's like a baby and that's a bummer no i bet you if you googled it i'm not you could find a baby accurate i don't want that in my algorithm everything on the internet well they can't just lie little little wayne had it when he was like an infant right if you go off his album no that was a that was a that was an album that's real right well wayne had like a bunch of them is it illegal to tattoo a baby it has to be it has to be yeah that's like there is a law somewhere right don't tattoo a baby yeah i don't know the international waters my aunts were out there piercing their kids ears when they were like months old which is also that's pretty common though yeah that's not illegal yeah no it's but it's like it's it's always like where i'm like

man no shade if you're doing that but like you needed earrings and you know you're jealous yeah you're more jealous you didn't have them because you couldn't get that tattoo when you were 12 you wanted earrings as a baby you you look at pictures of yourself as a baby and you hate it dude the only thing that could have made your attire weirder as a child is if you had earrings yeah one oh you mean sexier david i refuse i was like someone told you you owed more in taxes than you thought you're like all right all right no i do okay i've also've also done the same thing with that situation. I'll see you next year. That whole thing where they're like, you made a lot.

And you're like, yeah, well, stop with that. It doesn't make it better. No. I overpaid in taxes by like eight grand. Good to do that. I did too. Sucks. Get that money back, dude. I just wanted Biden to have it.

Yeah. Old Sleepy Joe. Maybe you'd wake up you know yeah dude i'm different now i think i think you're right to say you're the same dude mr where wasn't i during on january 6th yeah where wasn't i what a crazy response. Start calling me Mr. Where Wasn't I? That's a dope name. We have such different ideas on the meaning of dope. No, we don't. They're pretty close. I don't think that they are. They are.

They are. Yes, they are. Dana, do you think Mr. Where Wasn't I is a cool nickname? Yeah. It's like Mr. Worldwide But more sophisticated Did you ask what my nicknames are Yeah you got any besides D-Bone

I don't really have any I feel like D-Bone's the main one My dad calls me Dane's LaRue What do you mean you don't have any There it is Yeah Dane's LaRue's great That's dope Has your dad been asking about me?

He's a big fan. My mom is also a big fan. She's definitely listening to this podcast right now. They're awesome. Your parents rule. Both of your sets of parents rule. They do. We're very lucky.

Dana has a bunch of other people. A lot of people call her the speedster. Yeah, a ton of people call me the speedster because I'm very fast. That's a nickname. It feels like you have a bunch of nicknnames yeah i actually come to think of it i do most people she's known as street heat on the streets of chicago uh-huh yeah that was something for for ian to learn when we were in chicago is everywhere i went people were like hey it's street heat street people call her the zookeeper uh east of the mississippi i don't know the origin of that one that's the hardest region to get a nickname it's a big region it's a populous region west of this mississippi we're just giving them out the arch the arch in st louis is the gateway to the west i heard dana is the gateway to the east

one more fucking time every episode dude i do what i gotta do man it's not called die soft david i'm out here fighting oh man did we cover that on the actual episode the fact that you're wearing a diehard shawn s jordan on twitter shanku the metal jordan on instagram is wearing a diehard sweater he's wearing a santa hat first of all it makes sense we're recording on christmas eve It is currently New Year's Eve. Happy New Year. Happy Jew Year. He's wearing a Santa hat and he's wearing a diehard sweater, but that's also an

Abbey Road sweater. We'll show a picture of it when this up drops. We have to. The fact that it's the same front and back is very funny. It's chaotic. That has to... Somebody bought that on Instagram right that's fast fashion i ordered fast fashion for sure yeah you're ruining the environment with that baby

a baby with a face tattoo made that are we done i ordered it off now it's are we now we're serious it was very late on the internet and i was just Googling diehard sweaters, and a lot came up. Diehard Christmas sweaters. And I saw this one. I ordered it from a sketchy website. It was delivered from China. So the email says.

Who knows? It could have been from Bolivia. David, you know, could have been whatever. I went to France. Anyway, it took like a month. I finally got it like two days ago, and it's a little too violent to wear in front of the kids on Christmas. So I'm getting... It's got guns on it. Well, it's got it like two days ago and it's a little too violent to wear in front of the kids on Christmas. So I'm getting it's got

guns on it. It's got it exploding. It's got the twin towers exploding. Everyone's going to think it's the twin towers. Yes. This is what the supply chain works for. This gets to you no problem. Come to the hereafter at the crocodile in Seattle

on January 6th. Please please please. nobody showed up in seattle last time you know that dana zero people no i didn't know that i would have been there zero i don't know why you want to relive it so hard i well i didn't get to live in the first place because nobody showed up you are right there are so many diehard sweaters that come up yeah now i don't understand how you settled on that one. Because it's dank, dude. What are you talking about?

Sean, if your show in Seattle is poorly attended, I want you to know you have that Omicron excuse built in, because of the spread of the new Omicron variant. But that's not why, dude. It's because you got no sauce, dude. Damn. Damn. Well merry christmas to you you got no fucking sauce bro i'm gonna see you in like two days so give you a big hug yeah watch it brick and back cartwheel you got all the sauce dude you got cranberry sauce i got donkey sauce i am the sauce have you heard that commercial sauce i'm excited maybe i can meet the baby in person oh absolutely are you coming i'm coming oh keep

me away of course of course you're oh yeah it's you know sue uh hasn't met her yet either because i'm i'm i'm you know i'll be honest i'm a shit so i haven't brought her over like i should have I'm a shit. So I haven't brought her over like I should have. So yes, you'll absolutely yes. Oh my God. I just got so pumped. You can tell because I'm stuttering. That's awesome. He's a stutterer. That's awesome.

Aw, Beetlejuice. Here's our baby. The Juice. What's up, Juice? He's never that calm when I hold him. He's my little baby. The Juice. He's my little baby the juice my little baby dan is holding beetle juice uh go to go to the capitol hill riots in seattle on the 6th that's what we're calling the shows man it's a reunion it's a reunion the capitol hill riot meetup it's at the crocodylay the hereafter at the crocodile january 6 sean jordan mike coletta right yeah mike coletta performing go go to the fucking show go if you're if you're

vaxxed and boosted you're fine if you got if you got proof of vax yeah it's proof of x so yeah yeah for the record a and i both double vaxxed, boosted, took our PCR test, negative, being very safe traveling for any listeners. Negative. Nice. Negative. But Dana did test positive for cooties. Yeah, dude. That's the new variant.

Yeah, dude. It's the cooties variant. You got a giggle out of Mars on that one. That's right. Yeah. I'm coming in hot. I'm coming in hot right. Yeah. I'm coming in hot. I'm coming in hot today. I'm a puffer fish. Finally.

Finally. This episode. Finally. Dude, I'll use I'll call upon all of my training. It's like you're trying to impress me or something. No. David Borey is here coolguyjokes87 on Instagram not on Twitter you fucking blew it

I'm not on Twitter ever again that's the smartest thing I've ever heard it's the only thing I could do I didn't have the emotional capacity I was not responsible enough for Twitter I couldn't handle it is there anyone you've told who wasn't immediately like,

what a great idea? No, no one is really. One person was like, you should have just sold it. Cause I was verified. Oh, one guy was like,

you should have sold it to somebody like a brand would have bought it. You can do whatever the fuck you want. Why don't you just give it to me? I'm because it's deleted, Sean. Well, damn it, David.

But yeah, no, nobody's, it is like one of those things where everybody's like oh yeah yeah no good for you doesn't that tell us and yet all of us keep our twitters what the hell are we doing is there any other thing where it's like oh what a great idea is that like going vegetarian is that like the other thing you think even that you get blowback on no yeah i feel like i don't scroll I don't scroll. I don't go on Twitter. I go on Twitter to, honestly, to promote things. Buy sweaters. That's it. No, I bought this on Instagram, David.

Oh, my bad, my bad. But I don't, yeah. I don't scroll. I don't... That's smart. I just couldn't stop myself. I'd be like... And then you just, like, matted everything.

You're weak, and I'm not. So it's kind of like... Oh, yeah, you're stronger than me. That's why you're still on Twitter. You're mentally weak, and so it's frustrating for for you that's how you ended up in that sweater and i am where i am trying to see if i had any fun fun tweets lately i want to keep you up to date on i mean i heard something about nancy reagan that seemed like it was a wild ride oh yeah that was like it was crazy so i mean sometimes i hear about shit i missed and I'm like, oh, that seems like it would have been.

And can I just ask? It's people were saying that she was like giving out a mean beach. That was exactly the rumor. Where's the question? You didn't ask anything. Who? Who confirmed? Ronald.

Ronald. Apparently, the gossip was that she was the blowjay queen of Hollywood. That is Nancy Reagan. Yeah, back when she was at blow j queen of hollywood that is how did you miss it sean you're on twitter what are you doing on there then scroll i'm saying i don't i don't eat vegetables i don't scroll i don't do tv definitely don't win this draft coming up but no she was honking on Bobo all through the Golden Age studio system. Like she was known for it. Yeah.

She was known for it. Wow. So it was like corroborated by like multiple. I think I just missed it. I think I just missed it. It's okay. Like people who host like Golden Age of Hollywood podcasts and like stuff like that were coming out being like, yep, that was the book on Nancyancy reagan all right she was sorkin dork

sorkin she was appearing in movies produced by aaron sorkin i knew it was coming i was like where's the sorkin dork in the dorkin orkin man is that one i'm sorry come to see me February 15 the Orkin man is a vacuum cleaner guy I forget that Dana's parents are going to listen to this and I just said Sorkin dork you did say that oh man this is your fault David you brought up the Nancy Reagan thing

you brought up Twitter I'm a storyteller ask VH1. Everybody knows. You can't give me the ingredients and expect me not to make the stew. I'm going to gather the people around the fire. Oh, man. I'm sorry, the Schwartzes.

And I'm sorry, Sue Carmel. Oh, man. Yeah, you know, so I'm not on Twitter. I got some dates in D.C. and stuff coming up, but everything's real tentative right now, guys, so I don't really want to have you go out and make those moves and then those dates get canceled, so I'll know a little better. After the New Year's, but no, D.C. and Rooster Teeth Feathers in the Bay Area.

And Austin, I'm coming for you. Can't wait. We're going to put together some live AFEs here pretty soon, too. Yes, yes. And then we're going to go back to Austin where our guru Joe Rogan lives. That's right. The three of us and Joe Rogan, dude. We're going to do ayahuasca and then fight.

The four alpha brains. Yeah. And then I'll barf on his leg. We're going to put an end to to covid get the four of us in a room dog i got ivermectin in my pocket right now dude i'm like fucking i got a drip i got an iv wait you said put an end to it so you think covid's real huh you're one of them that's all right that's all right i'd rather just show you

why did you oh okay all right you tilted the camera down and i thought it was going down further and i was worried that would be a crazy time for a dinger reveal yeah what do i think about covid let's ask a Aaron Sorkin. Dana's not laughing at any of my jokes. I'm just not giving you the satisfaction. That's fair. Can I just say, and then we can move on, that it would be funny if Sean called his whole three-piece Aaron Sorkin in the newsroom, and that's it.

And then I'm done with it. Now, by three-piece, what do you mean, Dave? I mean your penis and testicles. I knew. I just wanted to hear done with it. Now, by three-piece, what do you mean, Dave? I mean your penis and testicles. I knew. I just wanted to hear you say it. Merry Christmas for letting everyone in. He's a storyteller, too. You're going to paint him into that corner?

Also, besides dates, can I ask you guys something? Was this a fever dream? Do you remember Sierra Mist used to make a cranberry soda? Yes. Oh, I remember that, yeah. Did they stop is that gone i don't know it was good it was a seasonal treat i loved it it was great where is it i don't know maybe is it not like lebron's signature sprite like kind of the same vibe no it's not

like what the fuck are you talking lebron has a cranberry signature sprite. Like a tropical, like a fruity sprite, yeah. Do you think that cranberry is tropical? Kind of. They grow it in the bogs of Maine. Yeah, in marsh. It's the wettest, least tropical fruit. I would have said before this verbal lashing, I would have said, yes, it's a tropical fruit.

But now... You thought cranberries were tropical fruit. I don't know why that's so funny to me. I mean, I know have said yes, it's a tropical fruit, but now... You thought cranberries were a tropical fruit? I don't know why that's so funny to me. I know what a cranberry feels like. You know, mangoes, papayas, cranberries. Cranberries, yeah, well good, I'm glad you did it. There were no context clues about when we eat cranberries that led you to the...

Well, you know, I'm not... I don't want to be... Start making fun of me now, because it's not going to stop when we start talking about books. I'll tell you that. Is it because they're red? Did you never see those ocean spray commercials when we were kids where there was a dude just hanging out

in a bog full of cranberries? My name's Judge and this is my bag. Was there not like a Caribbean ocean spray commercial though? Am I making that up? I guess the name ocean spray sounds Caribbean. That's true. up where somebody said like name ocean spray sounds Caribbean. That's true. That's a good defense.

Thank you, Dana. In a court. I, I, I understand. Thank you. I appreciate it.

No one's ever stuck up for me. And when court was in the same sentence, you want to align yourself with somebody who thought Shrek was a bad move. You go ahead and do that. Sean Jordan. I will. I will. Cause I think she's going to make fun of me the least throughout the

next hour or so. You think Dana's going to make fun of you the least? I guarantee it. Yes. That might be true. I guess it depends what your book picks are. Yeah. Well, that's shit. Well, now Marissa's going to make fun of me the least because she's on mute. Or she's not. Damn it. Marissa's not even on mute right now, so she

can make fun of me, too. Oh, man. I'm nervous. Can we just get this done? Yeah, or she's not. Damn it. Marissa's not even on mute right now, so she can make fun of me too. Oh, man, I'm nervous. Can we just get this done? Yeah, your sweater's silly. Got him! Oh, no. Marissa, run it back. Put some flames on that behind that. Yeah.

It ain't just chestnuts roasted on an open fire. It's fucking Sean Jordan. Maybe find that like, damn, son, you got flamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all want more of that, go ahead and smash that like button, bros. Go ahead and smash it. Dana Schwartz is here.

Dana Schwartz with three Zs on Twitter, and that's Dana Schwartz with three z's on twitter and that's dana schwartz with three z's on instagram as well dana schwartz color coordinating her books you can see it in the background uh dana you have a you have a book coming out here fairly soon i do it's a book called anatomy colon a love story and it comes out january 18th But it's available now for you to pre-order wherever you get your books. Now, when you say colon, that's the punctuation mark and not the word colon. That's a punctuation mark. Okay.

It's not a picture of a butthole either, is it? No, no. Anatomy butthole. I don't think there's any pictures, Sean. Yeah, it's not a picture book. It's a YA book, which means not a picture book. I'll show you the text. You have it. Wait a picture book it's it's a ya book which means not a picture book i'll show you the text you have it to wait you don't have it it says books we read when we were kids so i'm sorry for what's about to happen it's gonna be fine what are you worried i think it's

gonna be i think you're gonna be better than you think because i'm i'm just i don't know why i'm worried it's christmas i'm not worried about it yeah i think you're gonna be better than you think we're definitely editing out the part where we explain that we said books for kids. You can take out that Cirque du Duc and then if you want. What do you mean you read this when you were five? I read it when I was 17. That's great. I'm keeping it in.

I read it. I had the privilege. I had the great privilege of reading Anatomy, a love story. It's so good. I know I'm biased, but I think everyone who privilege of reading anatomy, a love story. It's so good. It's so, I know I'm biased, but I think everyone who's read it thinks it's, it's fantastic and wonderful.

Tell people a little bit about what it's about, where they can preorder it. It's about in the 19th century, back at the dawn of surgery, back when they didn't know what surgery was and didn't have anesthesia. The only way to get bodies to study was because there were grave robbers who robbed graves and sold the bodies to surgeons.

So it's about a grave robber and a woman who wants to be a surgeon and they form an uneasy partnership in 1817 Edinburgh and uncover some mysteries along the way. Do they fall in love? Maybe. Okay.

I'm not. I'm just, I heard it in the title. That sounds so sick. Sean, Edinburgh is in Scotland. Edinburgh is in Scotland. It was just also like the most fun world to be in.

Like I wrote it, you know, the last part of it, like during lockdown, it was just like, oh, I get to pretend to be in these like cobblestone streets and castles on hills and you know wooden classrooms like it was just like it's a fun world to be in i'm very excited i'm also writing the sequel now so uh yeah it's i i

feel very lucky kudos to the book cover it's like the coolest book cover i've ever seen i am so lucky that's the one part of the book that i have. Is that it right there? It's in frame right now. It's right behind your left ear. Yeah. I saw it. It's a, the book cover is like the one part of the book that I had no power over and they just did such a good job. They knocked it out of the park. Are there

any spooky duaculas in the book? Did you just say duaculas? There might be a spooky Fwenkenstein. Oh no. did you just say there might be a spooky fwank inside oh no it sucks because i wanted to ask like such a serious question that's a serious question what what did they use for anesthesia i mean i know they didn't have it but what what did you do uh alcohol well seriously that's no truly um you would like drink or just bite on like a piece of leather like if you needed an appendectomy uh they didn't know what that was probably

idiots idiots but if you needed to like remove a limb because it was infected they just get you drunk and take a saw this is also now we're getting like really gross but this is also a period when like being a physician and being a surgeon were considered two totally different things because physicians were the ones who like come to your house in suits like they're the gentlemen and surgeons are the ones who are like covered in blood with saws being like, saw bones. Damn. That is so bucked. Oh yeah.

That would smell. I got a crown yesterday. I just, whenever I go to the dentist, I think about how insane it would be to not get numb. I just, it's like, it blows my mind.

You got a crown every day because you're, you're a King and don't you forget it. Sorry, go ahead, Dana. If ever people are like, oh, back in the good old days, that's when I wish I was alive. Like it was awful. Yeah. Seems like it smelled like crazy. Yeah, it probably stunk.

So many people died from diarrhea. No one had deodorant. Yeah. I don't think people even started oral till like, you know, 50 years ago. Well, that's why they call it diarrhea. They church up. It used to be called death poop when it wasn't solid. They'd be like, oh, man, you have death poop.

They were like, we don't like that. Diarrhea is Italian for death poop. Yeah, let's keep die in there, but let's church it up a little bit. Oh, no, I have the diarrhea. I'm going to die from of here from the diarrhea. Laura, I got death poop. This is a podcast about books, right? Yeah.

Loosely. I'm just trying to make it as stupid as possible before the book. When do you read books when you're pooping? Okay, it all comes full circle. You don't think we thought about all this? That's true. I have the Great American Bathroom book. Yeah. We thought about all this that's true i have a great american bathroom book yeah we thought about this death uh danish warts is also the podcast uh the the podcast of the host

noble blood the host of the podcast noble blood all right you're gonna expand or thank you so much it's a it's a it's a podcast uh where i i talk about uh royals throughout history and just weird stories that maybe people don't know. And it's fully scripted. And it's like a research podcast. It's a history podcast. It's great. That has to be so hard. If we had to write anything for this podcast, short of a terrible list about books that we're going to draft. It's basically like a biweekly panic attack for me it's like i i accidentally made my job homework i'm like reading a book on eleanor vacuatane before bed i mean it's great i love it i'm very

lucky to do it but it's also homework that's awesome autobiography of mark twain before bed oh he lived a life i know and look how thin it is it's not oh that's perfect he knew what he was doing it's a great before bed read if somebody were to isolate uh dana's audio and then isolate my audio they wouldn't think that i was the one that that won trivial pursuit when i was just hammered out of my gourd. You were so drunk. Sean Jordan did absolutely beat Dana at Trivial Pursuit. And Ian. And Ian. Bananagrams a couple times.

He also beat Ian. She fucking, she just fucking, I mean, and Dana loses at Trivial Pursuit a lot, so like that's not. Stop it. Don't take it away from me, dude. I'm just saying, in this house, in the house you beat her in,

she has a losing record. Which you did not enjoy, by the way. I feel like we're missing the fact that Sean absolutely wasted, also demolished Ian Carmel at Trivial Pursuit. I don't know if I was there. I feel like I was there. You were there. I feel like that's not the Twin Towers on his shirt.

That's the day he beat you guys both at Trivial Pursuit. Yeah, that's right. That's what that symbol is. I don't know if I was here, but know dana definitely got beat by a hammered sean jordan yeah yeah cool i think i might have been in florida i was in florida on business there's no business in florida no no one's ever done business in florida i was in florida on mischief yeah uh also the host of the haileywood podcast yeah very good by the way i told i was telling ian i liked it yeah it's so good i told him like six weeks ago in the diehard sweater theme universe

it's an uh eight part podcast you can listen to all of them now about uh bruce willis in the 90s uh at the time he bought basically moved to this small town in idaho and then began like buying a property and turning them into like exactly what he wanted to like make this town like a mini pleasure village for himself that's like wanda vision like yeah he just did willis vision he he wandavisioned a small town in idaho you think anybody walked up and they're like you can't buy hair bruce and then they just walked away i hope so i think they called him bruno i think you had to call him bruno when you yeah you gotta call him bruno when he has a harmonica in hand it's bruno he was a recording artist right didn't he put an album out oh several more than one album gotcha

all right tight are they is it any are any of them cuts like did. Are any of them cuts? No. Are any of them good? No. I wonder what the best Bruce Willis song is, though. One of them's got it. They can't all be bad. He has a lot of charisma, so I imagine a Bruno show wouldn't be bad. Like Bruno and the Accelerators, which was his band.

Get the fuck out of here. It's called Bruno in the accelerators songs is called young blood so i mean yeah if i had to guess i would say that like the band is probably better live right because he's like a performer he's a really charismatic guy so look like he's a bartender he knows how to like patrick swayze saying that she's like Wind song, which I didn't know until about a year ago that that was him. And that's a good song. If I just heard that, which I didn't know it was Patrick Swayze until I was 39. And I liked it my whole life.

You never saw the video, huh? No. You're walking down the aisle to that song, right? She's like the wind. I don't want to tell you what we're walking down the aisle to, but I kind of do, but I don't. Have you heard the William Shatner albums? Oh, his Common People cover is great.

I've only heard the Rocket Man. Ian goes, we? I'm not walking down the aisle. Anyway, no, I haven't heard the... You're going to be standing there next to me. I am. But you do walk down the aisle to a song. Yeah.

I do? Yeah. The guy has to enter. Yeah, he comes in first and then she comes in. Okay, so I'm walking down to Blueface and Laura's going to walk down to something different. Oh, no. You're going to be walking down the aisle to me singing She's Like the Wind. I'm going to pull out a microphone because I'll be down there first.

You should pull it out of your sleeve. He is just going to say my vows before I do and be like, what's up? He's going to eight mile my vows before i do and be like what's up he's gonna eight mile my vows i am a bum wink did fuck my girl and i'll be like where's wink where is he uh in addition to those books uh danis schwartz has also written and we're off choose your own disaster and the white man's Guide to Male Writers of the Western Canon. Make sure you pick all those up. Prominent. Man, I feel dumb.

This is the dumbest I've ever felt. Keep an eye out for She-Hulk. Dana, you got to get better at this promoting stuff if we're ever going to open a circus. I should be promoting myself now. You're the host of the podcast. Get the sizzle. Get the sizzle.

I clear the runway. You land the plane. Come on. Yeah, keep your eyes out for sheehan coming to disney plus the as yet untitled beauty and the beast prequel coming to disney plus the fajitas are coming out of the kitchen come on uh other thing yeah that's it you said everything you ate my old my introduction that's right see go just go open that back door and just drop your engagement ring

and be like i don't know where it went and then just sit by i'm kidding i'm kidding wow that's too harsh huh too harsh and what you judged the bit before it got time to mature we're not kidding oh man sorry i thought this whole thing was a joke don't really do that and i love each other we would never do that this is a commitment shit shit when i accepted that engagement ring, it's a lifelong commitment. Shit. Shit. Shit. Sean's having a panic attack. He's just getting all red. Shit.

Shit. He's breathing weird, dude. Shallow breathing. He's like looking around. Oh, shit. Shallow, fast breaths. That's how you know it's going rough for him is when he starts looking around. Pitting out, breathing all hard. That was an old bit. christmas of course i remember all your old bits merry christmas my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on

instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh jewish cameo jewish cameo jewish cameo Jewish cameo Jewish cameo yeah I did a bunch of Christmas cameos I didn't say Jewish Goodreads Oh Jewish Goodreads Dude I published most of my books under the name Jewish Goodreads I'm also a published author

Those are all the conspiracy Like the deep conspiracy books Jewish Goodreads presents the real 9-11. 9-12. You wrote 9-12. If you really want to find out what happened on your sweater, dude, you've got to read the Jewish Goodreads book. 9-12, colon, what really happened on 9-11.

But that colon is a butt. Yeah, that's a butt colon. Jewish Goodreads, 9-12, colon, the day we woke up. I have nothing to promote. Listen to all fantasy everything. Watch the Late Late Show with James Corden. Watch Sex Unzipped on Netflix. Keep your eye out for another project that should be being announced hopefully pretty soon here.

Oh, we will be doing a live stream show. Yeah. In all fantasy everything live show. Details to come. But Keith, what date are we doing it on? January 23rd, I believe. Right? No, no, no.

January 14th. January 14th. Yeah, January 14th. I don't know why I was thinking the 23rd. I will be in New York City on the 23rd fighting Shane Torres. But the 14th. Fist fighting Shane Torres. The 14thth Fist Fighting Shane Torres. The 14th of January

Live All Fantasy Everything stream. I might be in LA for that stream for something I can't talk about. That's pretty exciting. I should be there too. You too? Yeah, I'll be hopefully moving back that week.

Oh, fuck yeah. Sean? David's signing a 10 day with a laker sean you can come to la he did a tongue talk i know we have a guest room we have a guest room you and laura are gonna talk yeah that's what i was looking out there i was like we'll see max is crying right now so now's not the time to be like hey not the time I gotta go hey I'm leaving we are gathering here today not to talk about Sean Jordan signing a

10 day with the LA Clippers but to fantasy draft as it is as we are want to do on this podcast why a books or books we read as a kid why why'd you put me on the Clippers I'm on the Lakers come on man it's yeah I was why would I put me on the Clippers? I'm on the Lakers. Come on, man.

Why would I put you on the... I hate the Lakers, and I love you. Put me on the Chargers, bro. Oh, okay. That's not a bad team, Matthew. You know I like to hit a motherfucker, dude. No, that's the Rams. I think you like to split a motherfucker.

I think you're kind of confused. You know I like to hit a motherfucker, bro. I'm so glad you're not that guy. If my dad wouldn't have dipped when I was six months old, I'd be that guy. He was that guy. Who is that guy? That's my dad.

You know that guy. Of course I know that guy. I like to hit a motherfucker, bro. I do know that guy. My girl says I can't smoke cigs anymore, but when she's gone, I choose school. The kind of guy that smokes in the house and he's like, well, she's not back till tomorrow.

And you're like, she's gonna know. You're in the house. Yeah, yeah. It's inside. Gets in the walls, dude. Wall hit the fucking wall, bro. You know I like to hit a motherfucker. You know I love to hit a motherfucker.

You know I love to hit a motherfucker. Come on, man. The guy never left college. He's 30. He never left he's 30 he never left high school football behind he still goes to games we got a good line this year we got a good line this year making conversation with high school girls yeah oh yeah oh so you guys gonna go to you guys gonna go to prom yeah i heard it's good i heard it's gonna be at the rec center less creepy than weird because he just talks to them about the team I heard it's going to be at the rec center. Less creepy than weird, because he just talks

to them about the team. He's not trying to hit on them. He's not trying to have sex with a girl. He's like, I think your boyfriend could go D2 if he really focuses and you give him the tools he needs, he could go D2. You guys could go D2.

He needs the support. That doesn't happen without you. He's going to need you. He's going to need you at Mesa State University. He state university he's gonna need you trust me the temple needs to be built on a rock oh me yeah i played jcc yeah southeastern columbia community college yeah six months water boy well you know i had to come home i had a kid what do you know that guy oh we're we're fantasy drafting books yeah books uh the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissors. Oh, Sean Gordon's win streak continues. He's on a hot one, dude.

This is the one he should have won. Where's he going to go with it? Where's he going to go with it? We're going to find out what the order is. But Sean, before you pick that, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? Great question.

Good gift idea. I know Christmas has came and gone, but draft. And what is that? Great question. Good gift idea. I know Christmas has came and gone, but for next year, Christmas has come and gone. Scratchy tickets. They're a great gift. Everybody loves a scratchy lotto. So just in general,

if you just show up anywhere at any time and be like, hey, I got you a scratch off, everyone's going to be stoked. So a serpentine draft is kind of like how you play one of like the dumb scratchy lottos that have no way to scratch the whole thing stoked. So a Serpentine Draft is kind of like how you play one of the dumb scratchy lottos that have no way to scratch the whole thing off.

So for me, I like to go... Oh, the $1. Yeah, yeah, the $1 where it's just like you could go nuts and scratch the whole thing off. Not like the $10

where you have to do science. Yeah, where they're like, hey, don't scratch off. If you scratch this off, you didn't win. When that shit happens, I'm like, fuck you, dude. Anyway,

so I like to start at the top left and I scratch a little bit all the way to the right, but I don't like reveal anything because it's fun, you know, because you don't know yet that you lost. And then you go, you get all the way to the right and then you scratch down a little bit. Then you go all the way over to the left and then you're like starting to see the tops of numbers, but you don't know yet. So you're like, I could have won $10,000. I don't know yet.

Then you go down a little bit and then you scratch all the way back to the right see a little bit more of the numbers and then go down all the way to the left and then just back and forth until you get all the way down and you're like oh i want a dollar so it's fine i'll just get another scratchy and i'll process can continue yeah i'll live on the edge again so it's a lot like that basically what it means if you get fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Sean, with that in mind, what would the order of today's draft be? All right. I'm going to go first.

And then Dana. Thank you. Yeah. And then Dana. And then Dana. No, you can't ice us out. Me, Dana, David Ian. All right.

Yeah. All right, David Ian. Hot corner. Yeah. All right, Sean Jordan. You have the first pick in the books we read as kids slash YA draft. Big slash. We will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything

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Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash allfantasy, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash allfantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All to all fantasy everything the only podcast that has ever existed this is it this is the podcast other than noble blood and hailey wood but that's it and sometimes hysteria but those are the ones that those are the only podcasts if you've heard a podcast it's probably afe or one of those other ones i just mentioned noble blood hailey wood hysteria yep we're about to get to sean jordan's first pick sean jordan

you have the floor so this this this has no pictures in it this is like the one one on my list that is a book book but i read this when i was i want to say an eighth grader and i loved it and then i saw a movie they made the movie but it was one of the rare times that i read the book before i saw the movie which is it's a it's a big jewel in my crown uh anyway the book is sleepers it's a true story you yeah i read that book before you liked that book i loved that book i mean i well it's i didn't i mean it's bad but that that shit fucked me up i did not like it no it's it's that book about those dudes doing that to those kids i know what it's about dave i read the book like very in depth but i'm just saying it's it's uh it's a great story it sucks that a kid's book

i don't think it is no this is it i went it's like i read it when i was a kid all right yeah see this is what i knew it's so graphic that book is intense i i just politely asked no i know i know i'm just gonna i'm gonna turtle up this whole time don't you know what sleepers is about ian yeah dude i've seen i've seen sleepers oh why oh it's funny because i read the book but yeah i guess if you want to go up above of the movie or whatever but i read the book so it's not a big you read that you said like an eighth grader i think yeah that's probably around when i read it it was that's a heavy ass yeah but you were a virgin though that's true i was a virgin in eighth

grade what a what a square yeah i don't it's just like the only book on my list that is not uh like i didn't read when i was like seven so kevin bacon's in kevin bacon's in the movie yeah kevin bacon dude is he in the book oh no a bunch of words are in the book man they yeah movie stars aren't in books ian a lot of words it's just a good book it was a good story compelling uh you know it's dirty and graphic and it's a bummer but it's uh you know i read it and uh probably wasn't on any of your lists but it was the one on mine with the most words so i had to pick it first there yeah that book didn't just scare you make you scared of juvie i so i've talked about this i always secretly wanted to go to juvie because i felt like i was sleepers no just in general i just

felt like i was a dork because i never went because like all my oh yeah all my friends had gone they for one reason or another it did feel like a rite of passage kind of and i never went up in very very different places we did yeah we did we did shout out to the marvin j foot center yeah it was uh jdc in sioux falls the juvenile detention center but that was like a thing where kids they'd be like curfew violations or whatever but they'd come back to school and they would have this story about like yeah i had to go to jdc for the weekend i'm like i want to go but i don't i didn't really but i wanted to be able to say that yeah after i read shit like sleepers and saw that sean penn movie bad boys i was like no that the original bad boys nobody knows about that that is i do gnarly my dad

another tough thing to get that's i it's crazy that you picked sleepers dude i i remember reading it as a kid and being like this is like scary and it was like yeah i didn't expect to hear the word sleepers on this draft no when i read the the imdb uh synopsis is after a prank goes disastrously disastrously wrong a group of boys are sent to a detention center where they are brutalized brutal yeah that's one word for it what happens to them they were they were brutalist eyes brutalized in the in the exact terrible way that you're thinking the the part of the that like is interesting though is the court case like how they got like a schlubby lawyer to essentially throw the case. And Brad Pitt. The movie's like a court movie.

Yeah. Who does Brad Pitt play? He played the lawyer who lost the case on purpose. So it's really interesting. Essentially, these four kids tip a hot dog cart over it. They end up, I don't think, killing a guy, but they really, really injured somebody. And then they had to go to jdc where they were assaulted sexually for like a lot like a year probably a period of like two

years yeah so then they all get out and then years later their grown-up selves two of them turn into like these new york kind of gangster guys one of them turn one of them's a lawyer and the other one they don't really say what jason patrick does but he just is a guy who's alive and they the two gangster guys see one of their assailants assailants in a restaurant and just walk up and murk him and then they go to court just cold blooded witnesses and everything so brad pitt takes the case and they're all upset because they're like why would he take this case against us so he's gonna throw the case on purpose but he can't tell anybody because then obviously it'll get thrown out so he has to like go against his friends and he has to get protection from the neighborhood because everybody's mad at him and because he's he's essentially like prosecuting his his kids that he grew up with

and then he loses the case on purpose they get away with murder literally and then it's it's you know it's just really good it's a really good compelling story yeah it's after the initial everybody's listening though don't give it to your kid no god it's like a lot for a kid to read i'll trust me i'll give you some we'll get to some pics later that you can definitely give to your young young children yeah i think it's amazing that you read a book of that depth and complexity in eighth grade and took it upon yourself. And I think it's amazing.

And I think you're a brilliant and mature young man. Is it because of my hair? Is it because I got a haircut? I think it's because of your hair. It's high. Anyway, sleepers. It's not what anyone was expecting, but what a pick.

Sleepers. I'm the number one pick. I feel like I'll be apologizing this whole time but it's funny own it own it dude it'll be entertaining yeah sleepers dana time for your first pick sleepers is off the board this is truly the opposite of that pick this is as far away from that pick as we can get it's a book that i loved when i was a child called from the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. That seems similar. That sounds similar, right? It was an amazing book.

What's in those files? So basically it's about like a 12 year old girl and she decides that she wants to run away from home for no reason. Like she just thinks like her parents don't appreciate her. She doesn't have a good reason for running away from home, but she like thinks it would be fun. And she decides to go with her younger brother and they go to the Met.

They decide that they'll run away and live in the Met. And it's about these two kids, like really scrappy. They like get money from like a wishing fountain. That's how they like get change and they sleep in like the hidden beds you know like the met has like old furniture and it's just an amazing story about like i mean it's fiction but it was just like this fun book about kids like living in the met and who wouldn't want to do that and then they have to solve a mystery it's it's the

it's the best book for like a creative kid and i think you can recommend this to a young child because it's a wholesome story and it makes kids want to go to the met and who is basil m frankenstein she's a rich old lady wankenstein she's a she's a scary wankenstein she's a scary wankenstein no she, she's a rich old lady who's like an old eccentric. And I feel like she's like exactly when I was a kid, like the coolest old lady that I wanted to be. Like a rich old lady who collects art. And she asks the kids to solve a mystery for her about whether this sculpture is actually a Michelangelo or not. And so they have to solve the mystery is it

i don't want to spoil the main plot of the book you have to read it don't wreck it all right hell yeah yeah that's that's different did you buy the book at a scholastic book fair almost certainly or this was like there was a period where i think my parents listening to this podcast like knew i like to read and like wanted to, to give me like classic old live. Like, I think this book is like from the sixties, but it like won the Newbery at the time. And so my parents would like buy me like Newbery winners for me to read. I used to love a scholastic book fair. Oh yeah, dude. I would get so many things that I knew for sure I wasn't going to read,

but I wanted them. I didn't like reading from a very young age. Yeah. Do you like reading now? No. I wish. I want to. I read.

I really try. And I just don't like it. And I sound so stupid when I say that. Have you tried the Mark Twain memoir? Biography? Very thin. What's going to happen is I'm going to start reading Anatomy and Laura will grab it and she will read it in like four days.

This happens with every book I get. And then she'll be like, it's dope. It'll take me months to read. It happened with the Jeopardy book. It happened with the ICP book. It's happening right now with Cover Story. It happened with the jeopardy book it happened with the icp book it's happening right now with cover story it's that's it happened with the val kilmer book it's what's going to happen and it's frustrating because i want to be better you know you should try reading from the mixed up files of mrs basilie frankweiler i think that's a good starting point it's the opposite

of sleepers sure big words like big like literally big words so there's only like 30 on a page maybe one of the reasons you don't enjoy reading that much is because you read sleepers at such an early age yeah you're like is this what books are and you're like i would love to dive into anatomy a love story but i'm afraid of what's going to happen to this girl children will be brutalized yeah like graphically it was so rough it was rough Those kids had a tough time. Oh, man. Pour some out for those kids. That sounds great.

I love anything that happens in a museum. Oh, and I love kids running away and being self-sufficient. That was a sub-genre of book that I really gravitated towards because I really was confident that I was like, yeah, I could live on my own. Did you ever – now I don't want to give a pix never mind it's but yeah i know what you mean about that like kids subsisting on their own books yeah it's the most intoxicating thing i used to love like doing little like we had a big swamp behind my house and i used to just like filling up a backpack and going back there for like four hours and just being like look at me i'm out here on my own. I'm a swamp thing. The scale-y swamp.

There was a creature from the Black Lagoon. It's cool that they went to live at the Met and not the Yankee, because when you go live at the Yankee, it's different. The New York Mets and the New York Yankees. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I see. That was a joke, Dave. I got it. I'm. Okay. I see. That was a joke, Dave. I got it. I'm in. I'm in. That was a joke. Go Mets. I also thought,

I will say when I was a kid, I thought it was like so smart. I was like, oh my God, a museum. So many places to hide. And also they, they kept themselves entertained

every day by like going to different exhibits. Let me ask you this. Do you think as an adult that there is anywhere that you could successfully make it past security and hide out for the night? Well, the strategy that they had, I would just steal the strategy that they had to make past security. Can I guess what it was?

Yeah. Hide in the suit of armor. No, but that would be amazing. That's good. But you can't do that. It's hard to get in there though. No, you can't be amazing. That's good. But you can't do that. It's hard to get in there, though. No, you can't do that. Here's what they did.

I could. How would you get in the suit of armor? I was in tag. I was in tag. You have to have someone nail it shut for you. I was in tag. So was Smith, dude. Come on.

I'd figure it out. What is tag? Talented and gifted. It was called Yuli in Sioux Falls. Unique learning experience oh anyway dana continue please they they watched watched the security guards to know their routine that's step one then they would case the joint well step one is cut a hole in the box but they would hide in the bathroom but stand on the toilet with the door slightly ajar because

they realize they don't go in every stall they just like look to make sure no one was in there. Okay. Then they would like, after the security guard did around, then they would follow them and like hide in that area with the curtain closed, like in one of those canopy beds. No one's,

no one's looking at the canopy bed. And then you just got to make sure you wake up before the next security guard. Then you cut to me flipping the visor up. Are you doing eyes, eyes, eyes? Pink, pink, pink. Guys, we're in. You know?

Do you remember like, or maybe you guys didn't do this, but like in department stores, you would go in the racks of clothing. Oh, yeah. And just be like, I could live here for sure. could live here nobody's gonna find me you think they're gonna look for a 10 year old boy in the brassieres these idiots these fools i'm in the petites out here paying taxes and i'm just in here living rent free and at a jc pennies underwear everywhere what a mervin's california figuring my life out shout out to mervin's california for some reason different than mervin's yeah why did they do that i don't get it i never got it it was weird i don't know what it is there was a store called mervin's and then all of a sudden a bunch of them were called mervin's california to give it a tropical feel yeah like cranberry on it yeah mervin's California. To give it a tropical feel. Yeah. Oh, you put some cranberry on it.

Mervin's cranberry, dude. By the way, shout out to Mervin. I don't know who you were. You really made an impact. We haven't forgotten you out here, Mervin. My old boss was named Merlin at a grocery store I worked at. That was not his real name. He gave that to himself.

His mom didn't name him Merlin. No birth certificate has Merlin on it. We could bleep this, but I'll give you his full name. Beep, beep, beep, beep. He was fleecing you. That guy killed a guy and picked that name for himself. He was fleecing me?

Yeah, 100%. 100% fleece job all the way. He was lying to you. The wool was over your eyes. The Kansas City shop wool. Making fleece. You looked left, he went right. Yeah, dude. You got hanged down slabbed, bro.

The hanged down? What'd you say? You got rope-a-doped. Yeah. You know what the rope-a-dope is for real? Yeah, man. What is it? I just did it.

Yeah, all right. You're right. Sorry. Thought I was going to get you there. Nope. Because I did it. I did it before. And then you asked me if I knew what it was. And I just did it. Yeah, all right. You're right. Sorry. I thought I was going to get you there. Nope. Because I did it. I did it before. And then you asked me if I knew what it was.

And I just did it again. Yeah, but I don't ever pay attention to what you're doing for real. Yeah, that's why it didn't work out for you. My first pick. That's right. I have one that's like prime real estate. But then I have one that was the first one that came to my mind. I'm going to take the first one that came to mind. i'm gonna take the first one that came to mind ender's game i'm taking ender's game ender's game man i was i thought i would get

away with waiting on that one i was primary real estate than you thought yes it was i mean because it's like i read ender's game and then i read the ender's shadow series about in different neighborhoods my friend that is not from real estate over here. Fucking Bean. Yeah, from Rotterdam. And the Shadow of the Hegemon. Shadow of the Hegemon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just going to say Shadow of the Hegemon for sure. That was a real. Those movies, those books were great. It was like a real. Apparently Orson Scott Card, bad, bad guy. Oh, motherfucker. Yeah, real motherfucker. But those books were so like,

there's something about like being that 12, 13 and like the idea of like, the world is dependent on you and he's in this crazy like, he's in this crazy military school where it's cool to talk like Brazilians and there's all these gang, it's just like a lot of funilians and there's all these gay it's just

like a lot of fun in space and they're killing bugs i didn't explain the plot at all i'm sorry i think that's kind of the plot isn't it it's fun in space and they're killing bugs that's basically it they're playing this video game and then they realize that the video game was actually like real combat and that the war had already started and ender was like you know he was like the chosen one david how fun did it seem to to play in like the the battle the room with no gravity it ruined it when i saw the movie because it seemed like the coolest thing in the world it was amazing when he was in there practicing by himself and he had like that belt and you can't like as i'm not a science guy so as a kid i couldn't really understand it but i knew they were in there with like guns and stuff and creating

shields and then like the what they would get shot and freeze and then he would use them as shields yeah it seemed amazing it seemed amazing that whole world is amazing there's now like a vr game that's very similar it's like a zero gravity vr game It's like a sports game where you're kind of like floating around and you're pushing yourself off blocks and stuff. I played it. I played it with a group of my friends. It's so much fun. And you duck under the thing

and then you like come up through the, and then you're like, yeah. There's like an e-sports league being built out. It really reminded me of the Ender's Game game. It really did. It was amazing to play. I don't mean to brag, but. Oh, I think she's about to, I think she's about to pull out she's about she knew right where it is there it is it's always so dope when someone can be like oh this book and just grab it

without having to be like hmm where is it oh that's very cool is that signed it's a sign i got this i loved this book so much when i was a. My parents gave this to me for my 16th birthday. That's the type of person I was. Okay. Okay. Yeah. It was a great book. Like such a fun read for kids.

It has all this stuff. It's all epic. It feels big. Makes you feel like a 13-year-old could change the world. And then in the case of Bean, he was like six or something. He was like a little boy. He was a fucking bean. Yeah.

But he was also like an experiment, right? Because he remembers escaping, whatever the point is Ender's game. That's my first pick. Orson Scott Card wrote. I hope you enjoy this book. Even you,

even though you're a Jew, right? Was that the inscription? That's I think probably he's a, he's a horrible person person and it's one of those horrible things now with like harry potter and like jk rowling you have to just be able to like separate the art from the artist at some point and it breaks my heart i read that book having no idea about here i just thought it was a cool you know what i mean it's a cool book yeah i was a child enjoying a space adventure yeah i had no idea what he thought about the jews is that who he hates i don't even know he hates gay people

probably jews we don't know i've never asked him and nor will i ever want to no is he still alive how old is he yeah because those books aren't that old right those books are like in the 80s is that right he's still alive he's 70 years the 80s. Is that right? He's still alive. He's 70 years old and he still sucks. I bet he's changed his opinions. People do that at 70. Absolutely. And it's always for the better.

It's always for the better. Oh, no. On his Wikipedia, there's views and then like subsection politics, homosexuality. Oh, no. You never want a section on your wikipedia called views no no no that's like bobby fisher territory like do you want to see the views you need to click yeah oh yeah no horrible horrible views on homosexuality and if you enjoyed ender's game you should not look them up say lovey it's all it's awful but what but an amazing book an amazing story yeah uh

ender's game great pick time for my first pick there's only one thing i can take here if i'm being honest with myself i think you have to take it i think i know what it is i'm taking red wall oh okay yeah all right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i also didn't read them sean it makes if it makes you feel any better i you might as well as you might as well made up a word i have no idea what you're talking about he's talked about it on here i often often i pay attention red i don't think you do i do i think you just said that you don't pay attention and then you he's talked about it like i pay attention you were on vacation in bolivia for a month i paid attention to that now ian please expand on europe for two weeks sean what do you think

this this is not making fun of you because there's going to be books on here none of us know please what do you think red wall's about communism i was hoping he was going to say menstruation give us a give us a there's a communal aspect to it give us just like a brief plot summary of what you think happens who's the main character steve okay yeah steve uh steve bolshevik is the main character right and uh he is married to Belinda Johnson. He met her in Madagascar. I think they were summering in Madagascar, both of them.

You're batting 1,000 so far. What if I was batting 1,000? Out of nowhere. It's just the whites of your eyes. Yeah, he just goes. And you're just holding up the book. It says Stephen Bolshevik right here. Anyway, they were both married when they got to madagascar and then they had a tryst

uh which is a uh what like a secret meeting of lovers they happened they happened upon each other one night walking on the black sand beach and they kissed and they just knew that it was destiny so they both filed for divorce it was a lengthy process so about four and a half years later they met in uh in russia and it was at the height of the cold war and they both had kennedy tattoos which was enough they didn't even know that about each other because they didn't have sex on the beach they just kissed as i says and then uh then they got married and then it was just really the rest of the book was about the natural aging process. One of them got colon cancer,

but it was fine. One died, I want to say, at 67 from a pretty severe stroke. It's not all puppy dogs and roses. I'm here to do it to the listeners. Then one made it to the age of 87. 20 years. Then died ice fishing so what do you do you are in russia and then there's like a whole series of books which chronicles the life of their grandchildren

skips their children but chronicles the life of their grandchildren and again nothing interesting it's just kind of about aging and that you, was my favorite book as a child. Yeah, well, communism is what I was going to say. It's about a brave mouse who lives in an abbey with a bunch of other brave woodland creatures. Or that, yeah, sure. It's by a man named Brian Jakes. There's a whole series of red wall books i have all of them i've read like peep that perfect pronunciation of brian jakes brian jakes brian

jakes not jocks like i thought it was one of the kids like didn't they just stop making them like recently like in the grand scheme of things i'll buy that there's like 25 of them yeah i think he started writing them in the 80s and i think they went through so they hit right the sweet spot for me as a kid right uh i don't want to say any more picks in case some of them get picked up because i might even take another red wall book oh you're not doing the series you're just taking the first book you're doing the first book i think you can just see yeah i'm taking red wall from red wall the first red wall are they all about the same thing they all happen in the same world like it's it's populated by like mice and uh dana just dropped oh the picture of brian jakes in the chat

holding a rose on his teeth i like that's the guy that's the guy that dude looks dank man you take that picture you already had man that guy that was the picture that the guardian used for his obituary i like that use that picture for my obituary i was gonna say put it on my tombstone man uh so it's about an ab a peaceful abbey of of uh monks of mice monks and and some badgers and some whatever living uh you know in the in the woods and then this fucking bastard named cluny the scourge who's a bastard cluny the scourge cluny the scourge he's a bastard he comes rolling in on a on a wagon with his army of bastard rats and they just really upset the apple cart at redwall and uh matthai i think is it matthias yeah that's the main character yeah he's the main character he

has to go find the sword of martin the warrior he has to let me you know like get through the abbey and find it and everything and like there's a there's a snake there's some shrews there's sparrows the warbeak sparrows it's just it's it's great it's fucking great i love it i love a brave mouse i love the world he built it's just i i read it again at the beginning of quarantine. Still holds up. Still fantastic. I love Red Wall.

Hell yeah, Red Wall. Yeah, I like my version better, but that also sounds interesting. Sure. Yours is great, dude. You should write that. Yeah, you should. Yeah, I don't know how to do it. It's like that.

Who's that Swedish author who writes My Struggle? That Nausgaard? Is that his name? Yeah. Ace of Base? Oh, I'm thinking of a different My Struggle, and that guy's not Swedish. Yeah, not Mein Kampf. I think it's called My Struggle, right, Dan?

Nausgaard, yeah. Is that what that stands for, My Struggle? No. Yeah, Mein Kampf. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. But the Nausgaard book is just like a very focused in meditation on daily life.

So you could write that, dude. Sorry, I don't. So my struggle, is it like a what? Is it like feel bad for me? No, it's just like I've never read it. The journey of his life. He's written five of them at this point. Book one.

I'm going to sound like a moron here. Did Hitler write that book? Hitler also wrote a book called mine yeah we're talking about two different this is different he wrote six of them not a nazi did he write that before or after the other mind comp because that's an unfortunate title to do after the other one you know i mean if one called it is called mine comp in German. I don't, I don't sound stupid. Also, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, it's, it's the same title. Maybe he wanted to like re reappropriate it. Like take it back.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Good move, man. He could have called it mine. Mine. Conf.

My struggle. My mind. Conf. Mine. Conf. Me. That's his comp. This is mine comp me mine mine that's his comp this is mine thumbs pointing to that picture yeah mine come also he's norwegian maybe they didn't get hitler in norway oh no they were occupied yeah they were fully occupied oh we didn't get hitler here

oh no they got it they got a ton of him there he was up in it oh a hard left turn from hitler for my second pick i'm going to take winnie the pooh by a.a milne oh yeah i want to see that is the first book called winnie the pooh i've never read those books i think the first book is called winnie the pooh let me make sure all right now we're on the same flight me and you i gotta be there it's me and it's you my friendly old winnie the pooh rumbly tumbly bowlba jelly uh yeah it's Winnie the Pooh and then the next book was called The House on Pooh Corner

um so they used to call it Sean's House oh I'm not going to the house on Pooh Corner uh me and my mom read Winnie the Pooh out loud to me when I was like a little kid little kid uh me and my little sister and it just it's very meaningful to me and then Winnie the Po i was like a little kid little kid uh me and my little sister and it just it's

it's very meaningful to me and then winnie the pooh was like a huge motif in my in my early early life with my mom and i and just uh it means a lot i love the stories it's a great book he's still wearing bottoms he's still i still i winnie the pooh all the time i wear a shirt no pants dude that's such a crazy look. Who's your favorite character in the world? You ever catch yourself when you put a shirt on before your pants for some reason and you're like, whoa, I look nuts. I rarely put a shirt on before my pants. I have sometimes.

Ian, what character do you feel like you relate the most to? Anymore, I feel maybe more like a Winnie the Poohoh but i was definitely an eeyore when i was a kid okay i might still be an eeyore i don't mean to blow up your spot but we did go to disneyland and you took a picture with you and it's really cute nice shane was there chantora's dude big time eeyore uh he's a bit of a tigger too though because he's a wonderful thing yeah and he's the only one yeah uh i did i posed from a distance i social distance posed with eeyore yes in two and two how many poo characters can you name i mean probably all of them how many there's not a lot right winnie the poo piglet

owl kanga rue tigger eeyore um the boy right christopher robin christopher robin there's a rabbit oh yeah yeah mr rabbit his name is just rabbit right yeah a persnickety rabbit he's like he's like he's like the squidward yeah he's the cogsworth of the situation yeah okay okay okay remember when winnie the pooh got stuck at rabbit's house and he just decorated his big ass with antlers on his face? That was a crazy move. Yeah. You're just going to live here now. I love the book.

I love everything that came from it. The Disney cartoons were fantastic. It's just great. I love Winnie the Pooh. I would recommend anyone read it to their kids. It's very sweet. It's full of lessons. Tut, tut, it looks like rain. It's looked like rain down here in Los Angeles

for the last 48 hours. Sleepers was a weird way to start, huh? It was wild. Yeah, it was crazy, dude. It was nuts. But it's alright. It's okay. But it was honest, and that's the most important thing.

I feel bad. I think it's really powerful to talk about books you read as a kid because they stick with you and affect you in ways that books I think you read as an adult usually don't do. And so it says something about your character. It's like you read Sleepers, and then you can't stop watching fight videos because you just need to feel something. You just lay in bed with your daughter no and also for the record i read sleepers as a kid too it was it was a it was like that like it's like horror core like when you're a kid where it's like so scary that you can't stop reading oh like those books not to take anyone to pick if they take it but those scary stories to tell in the dark where the illustrations were so

scary yeah but like also like brutally violent but in a realistic way i mean you just you definitely just had a pick someone can still take it wasn't on my list i just sit there and watch fights on facebook and uh i just look at the crib and i'm like if anyone ever does anything to you i'll do this to them and i'm just doing it back into the fights oh oh he's got the spray bottle i'm gonna score dana later he's mad that i took a pick. You didn't take a pick. You said a pick. Someone can still take that as a pick. Shit, I might take it.

I was totally going to take it. I'm going to push you into a mud puddle later. No, you're not. Good luck. I'd like to see you try. I'm going to. I'm going to push you into a mud puddle. He's just going to give you one of his earbuds.

It's going to be puddle and mud, and that's what he's going to say. Here's a mud puddle. It's going to be like, can his earbuds it's going to be puddle and mud and that's what he's going to say here's a mud puddle it's going to be like can you take it all in i'm going to buy you an oat milk latte and then you're going to feel too guilty to push me into a mud puddle i'm going to push you into a mud puddle on the way back from the coffee shop i think she called it i think it's been raining david knows i think she called it man i think that that feels like it's got to be how that goes i'm going to arrange for some of your heroes to be nearby and to see you get just shoved into a mud puddle and they're gonna laugh and here's what's gonna happen i'm gonna i'm gonna buy you an oat milk latte you're gonna kiss me on the head and we're

gonna walk home nice that's adorable that sounds dope you gotta give it to it man that's probably is exactly what's gonna happen or i shove you into a mud puddle in front of whoopi goldberg your hero jones didion's dead good luck i know r.i.p and bell hooks what a week oh i know i know and eve babbitts who's also just like a cool la lady what's going on there's like a christmas thing maybe i guess i'm re i'm rereading we the cool though shut up to bell hooks also where's sean jordan been during all this yeah just i've been rereading stuff too i reread a lot of stuff yeah do you have a boy time for your second pick uh i gotta take it because it's still on the board i'm taking the outsiders yeah that's a good one pony boy dairy soda pop two bit the

soches bob got shot you know or bit dairy gets shot it's just like and she wrote it when she was a kid right she wrote when she was like 16 yeah s e s e henton classic 50s greasers versus soches yeah i read i read it i read that probably in like fourth or fifth grade and it's like it's like sleepers ask where it's like, yeah, definitely not like they murder someone. Yeah. But not,

and they get, they get jumped a bunch and it's like classes. Yeah, man. But yeah, the outsiders, what's the other gang, the socials and the greasers,

the greasers and the socials. Yeah. The socials are the cowards, right? The socials are the dorks. Yeah. The socials are the rich kids. Yeah.

Cause pony boys, a greaser. Yeah. He's kids. Yeah. Because Ponyboy's a greaser. Yeah, he's cool. Yeah, and Derry's his brother, Patrick Swayze. Isn't there a Dally, too? And Soda Pop is... Or no, Dally's his brother, right? Dally, too, bit. And Soda Pop's his other brother.

Yeah. There was a lot of stuff about greasers back then. Yeah, people seemed to really be obsessed with young guys who love cars. What's the current version of a greaser, do you think? Like, what is it now? A hipster? Is it... out greasers back then yeah people seem to really be obsessed with young guys who love cars version of a greaser who do you think like what is it now a hipster is it oh i thought it was like those two fast two furious kids probably it probably is working on their honda crvs because hipsters aren't violent at all they're cool yeah yeah it's gotta be like somebody who's willing to like throw down if they have to and a hipster and. And those kids still street race, right?

I don't think hipsters street race. Oh, I forgot about the car aspect. They are like that. Yeah, wasn't that a big part of the culture? That's what makes them so greasy. Yeah, they're greasy because they're working on their cars that they could afford back then. There's never rumbles anymore. Do kids still have rumbles?

Oh, I think that they still for sure. Oh, I'm rumbling most of the days. Yeah. I's just it's they do the rumbles where we can't see okay did you ever did you ever look at the rumbles on his phone later though i remember a couple times when when we it never happened for real but there were a couple times when we like organized rumbles and i was terrified because it was like it did it did happen a couple of times story childhood did you have i saw man i saw i saw a bunch of kids get bear maced in a fight like that one time oh my god yeah the rumbles always ended up being one fight so what would happen is we'd get like 20 30 people and we'd be like like yeah let's go let's let's kill it

and then you'd get there a lot of talking but then somebody had to like somebody had to fight always like one one it ended up being one-on-one mostly and then a lot maybe some like satellite fights would break off but i never never i like i saw bar fight melees and stuff but i never like saw a successful rumble but i almost did a couple i got down a couple that's just not cool at all no it's insane and then at all you think about it when you're young like you see like the outsiders or what you're just glad you're 15 so it's not like anybody's gonna like get shot or something like well think about it west side story where they're like you

know what are we bringing blades dot it on you're like that's so scary to think about like you're fighting with that story the new one i still haven't seen it i'm excited man and said oh yeah i watched the major that's great i liked it a lot me and my brother saw it there's a lot of there's some weird plot hole stuff that i kind of wasn't all about but it's pretty good nature's first green is gold her hardest hue to hold her early leafs a flower but only so an hour then leaf subsides to leaf

so Eden sank to grief so dawn goes down today nothing gold can stay but it's done he was outsidering us oh we got outsidered we got pony boy that was

a robert frost that was a recording maybe it sounded a little bit like me that's a coincidence that was an original recording of robert frost it was yeah which one was tom cruise in the movie wasn't he in the movie robert frost to the outside and robert frost in every movie robert frost admission he's just a version of robert frost in any role detective robert frost but yeah not much else to say the outsider is pretty standard yeah why everybody read great the movie was so good too i've never seen the movie you haven't seen the movie patrick swayze patty swayze young diane lane yeah diane lane ralph macchio machio's in it i guess everybody's in it c thomas howell was pony boy david's boy matt dylan is in it oh matt dylan is that's a great cast oh my god rablo

it's got rablo in it rablo isn't it oh really it's not going past the goalie kid good job rablo's in there sort of pop yeah you know yeah yeah no he's great rabloh do you ever see that do you ever see that graffiti i've seen it in like bathrooms all across the country where it just says rabloh like r-a-w-b-l-o-w and then rabloh i've seen that in like seven different cities like rabloh yeah like rabloh like okay like raw blow. Like cocaine. Like raw? Oh. Oh. And then underneath it says raw blow. You guys have never seen that?

I've seen that. Okay. Oh, yeah. Tom Waits is in it, too. Tom Waits is in The Outsiders? Yeah. Not a young Tom Waits. Tom Waits and Leif Garrett. What?

Yeah. They really stacked it. It's like a Coppola movie, though, right? I think it is a Coppola movie. Francis Ford. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Sophia. Wait, Outsiders is a Francis Ford joint?

It's a Frank Coppola movie. I'm pretty sure. It is. It's a different Francis Ford Coppola, though. It's like the Coen brother who wrote Garfield. It's spelled a little different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you guys know that story? Wait, is it not Joel or Ethan? It's like spelled a little different yeah yeah yeah oh yeah do you guys know that story wait is it not joel or ethan it's like another one dinner no no take it no you uh apparently uh uh what's his name no you take it i'm already i'm already scratching under pressure bill murray was convinced to do the garfield movie because he heard that uh joel cohen or something was making it and he was like okay that's weird but it was a different joel cohen that's hilarious good on them and he brought it up and joel's like yeah you know that's happened before wake up and smell the coffee bill what are you doing i'm not gonna i don't want to put it on blast but something like that similar happened uh i remember with comedy central where they got somebody got a half hour

and it was supposed to be somebody of the same name from a different place what blank bleep it out who was it yeah bleep it but i want to know i'll put it i'll put it in the chat how about okay perfect perfect oh that's so sad god this is also excruciating for the listeners we're sorry oh that's my nightmare damn oh really yeah yeah yeah david just put a picture of the ultimate warrior in the chat why'd you do that oh emilio estevez was in that movie again sorry that's it that's all i'm gonna say about the outsiders and who is that man emilio also ralph macchio dude yeah ralph macchiato danis schwartz time for your second pick sleepers is off the board uh my second pick this i just such a basic pick and i it continues the theme of like bad authors now but it just affected my

life so much i'm taking harry potter and the sorcererer's Stone. You have to. Yeah, for sure. I had to get it off the board. It just, it really did affect my young adult life. Like I read it, it came out like in first grade and I was one of the people that like, we wanted to read the second book, but it hadn't come out in America yet. So my family, like our second book is the British edition. Really?

Because we were just like, oh, we got to find out what happens to harry and hermione and so i was like the perfect age where like as i was getting older like each age like the book came out as harry was getting older like perfectly coinciding to my age uh my older sister caroline like read the books to me before bed every night with like void doing voices for the characters oh that's beautiful and so it just it was like a huge part of my childhood. I went to the Midnight book release with my dad once. Which one was that for?

That was for the fifth one. So I was in maybe fourth grade. What's the fifth one? The Order of the Phoenix, I think. And I wore Harry Potter glasses. And my dad also had Harry Potter glasses and there's a picture of us somewhere. And my dad and I, we had to wait at this Barnes and Noble until midnight to get the book.

And there were all these like little kid activities going on. And my dad and I were like, oh, we don't want to partake in this nonsense. So we just found books at the Barnes and Noble and like sat in the corner and read until midnight. Yeah, it's a magical world. It's an amazing world. And even though J.K. Rowling had this horrible mistake of like, not even not a mistake, had this horrible thing where it's like, I think people who have not been told no for 20 years or been told that they're a genius for like, then anytime they're presented with a new idea,'re like i'm right and i will refuse to

hear any other ideas uh but just in full honesty of the draft talking books that affected me as a kid it's harry potter yeah yeah for sure yeah let's read harry potter no yeah i've talked about it i've read a bunch of them yeah yeah i read one in jail oh that's right laura would be so much better suited for this draft than me she's you're doing fine you're doing great thank you i guess i think some of the differences you guys are a little older than me and so i'm sort of the perfect age for it maybe perfect age you were a bit older like i read the first harry potter book i ever read i got for christmas and it was that was in like high school. Yeah.

It's like a little, yeah, it's just like a little too far where it's like second grade. You're like, Oh my God, a magical adventure. Yeah. A whole beautiful world.

I see. This is the, in the, I would love to have read so many books, but the process of reading a book, I just am so bad at it. You would probably, I think Dan, you were about to say give give harry potter a try it's a it's a delightful journey i just get i i lose focus so quick and i i don't know i just have you tried

with harry potter because it's like some things some things are like there's some books you read that it's like crack where it's just like even like you oh you know what i bet you could read you know what i bet you would like i bet you could read i bet you you would read the da vinci code in like three days oh yeah i remember my book it's like it's like that book's one of those books where it's like it's just like so like one of my dumbest friends read that book in like two days and i remember it specifically because he came out and he's like just ripped off all this stuff about the book and I was like no way and I made him

I was like show me that book show me how thick it is show it to me I gotta see this there's a lot of white space in that book each chapter is like six paragraphs I read that book in like two days yeah read Harry Potter to Max when she's like five or six.

I think that'll help. I think because we redo every night, but now we're just reading like The Fish Was in the Water, those kind of books just to get words. But I think the older she gets, she won't hear the dirt until the night before school starts. And then I'll be like- I would say like first grade was when I read slash had them read to me.

That's a great age for the first book. And then the books get more sophisticated as they go. But the first book is like very much a kid's book. Yeah, you get a little older then you have your own Cho Chang. You know what I mean? I don't as I've never read them. Well, I don't know what to tell you.

The movies are great too. Yeah, movies are fun. Freebie on the home box office right now. Seen the movies. You seen all of them? Yeah. It's going to be a common theme, I think. Any book that's turned into a movie, I've probably seen it.

Well, let's see what your next pick is. And then your third as well, as it is. The continuing kind of with the Harry Potter theme, we read these and we had to. It was just part of our elementary school, but Lord of the Rings. Oh. You read those in elementary school? We did. And you claim you don't like to read.

Wait, wait. Do you mean not The Hobbit, the actual Lord of the Rings books? Because The Hobbit is kind of a kid's book. Those Lord of the Rings books are dense. Those are thick biscuits, dude. Yeah. I get confused because a lot of people have said this i remember i i i swear i remember reading lord of the rings

but a lot of people say that same thing where they're like no way i because we had to do it all three of them i don't think so no i don't think so i think we just read the first one do you remember what happened in it well was there a guy named tom bombadil it's been it's like seriously been 34 years so it's tough because with the movies coming out no that can't be the right 30 if you weren't six well like 30 33 32 years or something you could there's no way you read the the lord of the rings books when you were that young we were in elementary school maybe i was in fourth grade or something but we fourth fifth grade we read it as a class like we we we didn't like sit down and read it we read it as a class and like our teacher like guided us through it so i'm pretty sure it was just the fellowship of the ring because it was through

it like took almost the whole year and we'd read a little bit every day and but we didn't like sit down and have dedicated reading time yet to ourselves because we couldn't do it where we just wouldn't focus enough but we sat and like would all read it together and we read it couldn't have been all of them it must have just been the fellowship of the ring but that would take forever and again like my i hope my memory is serving me correctly i don don't think it was the Hobbit. You're doing it as a class? With the movies coming out, it all gets clouded

because now, obviously, you know what happens. And I have a tough time thinking back to what I specifically remember about reading it. I just remember that we read it. In the same way that I read another big book in elementary school that i just know i read it clockers i also i also read clockers in elementary school it's not a big deal my mom did you enjoy the

lord of the rings did you enjoy the experience was it fun for you yes tremendously but it's because i had a bunch of help reading it i didn't have to because it was so daunting but also from what i know of you that is that story is like right up your alley yeah man i love that i love it did you ever read any of the other did it it like make you want to read any of the other lord of the ring stuff no i tried and immediately just it just didn't happen did he get in all the poems and songs and all that shit too yeah they're like all that extra shit yeah they were i mean it was all in there isn't there that book that's just the history of the cimmerillion gosh that's odd i i don't know those books are dense those are non-fiction fiction books they're written like

biographies of of elves i got i got i got i got them on on tape like on CD for Christmas one year, and I was grounded all Christmas break, so I listened to them. And even that was like a thick. What did you get grounded for? Man, I don't know, man. Being cool. Probably something I did in a parking lot somewhere. I got grounded one time.

My whole life, I got grounded one time, and it was because I got caught stealing. The one time I got caught. What were you stealing? I was i got caught what were you stealing i was stealing a book actually it was crazy a toy gun and i want it the reason i was stealing is because i wanted to paint it to make it look like a real gun and that's probably good that that didn't go down yeah my mom she had a tough time disciplining me she never really did because i never really got caught doing anything that bad. I think I did bad stuff, but I never got caught doing it until I was stealing that. And that was like right around when I thought I was

doing gang stuff. And so she kind of knew that I wanted that to look like a real gun. And she let my stepdad punish me and he grounded me for two weeks. That seems like a reasonable punishment to be honest. Yeah, absolutely absolutely i was grounded all the time i was like in bondage dude did not stop me from doing bad though

yeah anyway lord of the rings uh lord of the rings and then by john ronald rule token so that can't be what it is it really yeah john ronald rule tolkien i would hit it with a jrr too yeah the only thing ronald had was a nice beach huh back to earlier oh yeah again yeah with the with the stuff so my third choice i'm getting i'm getting away with books with words here this is pretty tight this is better than i thought i was going to do. This is the first book I remember reading on my own for real. I got it from a book fair and it was called My Teacher is an Alien. I'm much older than everybody in here. Does anybody remember that book?

I feel like I remember a cover. Yeah, it's real. Hold on, I'm going to look it up. It's like, absolutely. That's all that happens is their teacher wasn't it. These kids thought their teacher was an alien. And then they, I'm pretty sure they, they like spot. They, they like spied on their teacher.

But I remember that cover. The teacher like took their face off and they're like, oh my gosh, our teacher's an alien. And it was, that was it. I mean, but it was a book. There's no picture, you know, like it was a full on book. And it was the first one that I read on my own. And I'm pretty sure it was, bless you. I'm pretty sure it was recommended that we, like they gave us like some books and they're

like, maybe one of these for your first book that you read, you know? So that was, yeah, My Teacher is an Alien. That was the first book I ever read. Did you ever read the series where it was like, ghosts don't eat potato chips? I think it's called The Bailey School Kids. And there's a whole book where it was like, Frankensteins don't mow the lawn.

And it's this kid, this group of kids who every week are convinced that a new person in their town is a mythological creature. That's awesome. No, I mean, sounds like right up the same, like they probably lived on the same street as my TV was an alien. I bet you would have loved those. Maybe they were a little after your time. I want it.

Yeah. My time was, it's funny because I just looked this book up and it was like 89, which would have been, I probably read it like the day it came out because I would have been, what, eight? It was a new release. Yeah. I'd be interested to see how the book fairs go now. I bet you it's exactly the same. Well, it's probably all online. They would come set it up at our school for a while.

Yeah. They would actually set up the book fair and they would give us the pamphlets or whatever, but now I bet you, they don't do that. I bet you it's online and you just get them and they probably give them to you in the class, but like we could go physically.

I think it was like, cause remember you'd get time to go to the book fair. There'd be like, all right. And now you get 20 minutes to go to the book fair. Yeah. I'd be interested. You get to go down in the cafeteria.

They set up. Yeah. I bet you they don't do that anymore. I, I mean, again, I'll find it. This, these are the thing, the funny things that you'll find out with a kid. Cause I'm like, down in the cafeteria they set up yeah i bet you they don't do that anymore i i mean again i'll find it this these are the thing the funny things that you'll find out with a kid because i'm like oh yeah i guess when she goes to school i'm gonna get to find out all this stuff again and see how they're doing it which is very very fun to think about but yeah that i can't remember if like you ordered it and then they set up the book fair and just had your shit

there no you ordered it at the book fair and then they would deliver to your class yeah okay yeah that was the that's a good tool to like get kids to start reading is give that give it to them because it does look dumb unless you're broke as hell yeah i know and it's a huge bummer yeah we were you know i think about that too because there would be the kids that got like the fat stacks of books and then you would get like three erasers i would get the one i'd have to move my like discount lunch tickets out of the way and be like oh cool let me get my book on the table nobody pay attention to the different colored lunch our lunch tickets were different colors by the way so like if you're on discount lunch different colored lunch tickets oh yeah no they sort they

sort they live they let it ours were white and the other ones were blue so you're just holding this fucking white ticket they let it be known if you're a kid it's crazy to think they would also call us over the intercom if we like forgot to go get them and everybody knew what was up they'd be like sean and all the other pro kids come down to the office and you're like it's not for academic achievement i'll tell you that everyone it's because i read so many books sean come on down to the office to cut one bean into eight different parts and share it with the other broke kids and i just i'm talking about my teacher as an alien you guys read my teacher as an alien riveting sean read my teacher is an alien? Riveting. Sean, please come to the on-fire trash can outside of the school

with the other... Don't buy the pack of wild dogs. With the other hobo youths. Your raccoon foot is almost ready for dining. You're going to have to eat with this plastic fork from two weeks ago. Sean Jordan, your government cheese is ready. Sean, your dad's going to be standing about 10 feet away

eating mcdonald's don't mind him he uses money for him and not child support yeah man my teacher is an alien i'm getting excellent next two choices are gonna be fucking bonkers because these have all had words so i'm going off the rails next two choices but yes speaking of bonkers let's see what Crimes Against Humanity the next author Dana picks is guilty of. Dana Schwartz? Oh, no. Well, I do have another problematic pick, but a really good book. Okay.

It's called Boy. It was by Roald Dahl, who is also problematic. But his estate has reckoned with him being problematic and acknowledged that there's room to learn and grow. and grow now there's a man who hates juice that is a man who absolutely hates juice now here's a man who hates juice sorry i'm going to talk about the book but i love this book this is like one of those books that i would like read and reread as a as a kid um i loved all roald dahl books growing up i remember at a school my parents never let me get the books at a scholastic book fair uh but i convinced them to let me get like a stack of roll doll books because it was like a great deal uh because we're jews and we love a great deal the bargain you're losing money if you don't buy them i loved all roald dahl books uh and then boy

was his like memoir of his childhood and it was like his norwegian childhood and the crazy things that happened with his family and then he went to boarding school in england and that also felt like a fun adventure but what i liked the most about this book well one it was just like the details were amazing and his life seemed so much fun but like he would talk about like oh this might have been like what inspired charlie and the chocolate factory like this crazy thing that me and my kids did like the time that me and my kids like snuck into this candy shop like we still yeah it was amazing like yeah and stole stuff they They pulled pranks on the mean candy person. They put a rat in one of the candy jars. Do you think that maybe appealed to you as someone who would then become a creative?

The fact that you were seeing the process of inspiration and then knew what it had been turned into? For sure. I loved it. And it also made it seem attainable. I was like, oh, he lived this life and then became this amazing author and like had all these crazy ideas. And I think it like felt very inspiring as a kid reading this book because he didn't condescend to like the silliness of his ideas. Like if you've read a lot of like Roald Dahl books, like they are very silly. Like the BF, like the big friendly giant, like the witches. It's my favorite one.

Yeah. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Like there'sF, like the big friendly giant, like the witches. Yeah. Charlie and the chocolate factory. Like there's a silliness to them. Yeah. Yeah. The hook knows three horned bank, uh, demon.

Yeah. That's one of my favorites. I couldn't figure out. He doesn't talk about the inspiration of that one in this book, but he doesn't talk about where he got the, what him and his kids saw. Uh, but no,

it's, it's a great book and like a very, a fun book, even though it's a memoir. And I think it was like one of my favorite nonfiction books when I was a kid. Do you, like, obviously you've written a memoir or like a couple of books that are like based on Choose Your Own Disaster and Here We Go, right?

Yeah. But when you wrote Anatomy, did you find things in your regular life inspired certain things that happened in that book not directly somebody gets pushed in a mud book not directly but i think like part of what i liked about boy is he is like oh i don't know if this inspired you know charlie and chocolate directly. But like he even says like, oh, it's possible. I think like when you're creative, when you're doing anything creative, like sometimes you don't know what those inspirations are.

And just like living life and being observant, it all becomes like the library that you can pull from, like those experiences that you can pull from shelves when you need to inform a character. pull from like those experiences that you can pull from shelves when you need to inform a character uh so it was just like i loved it as a book because here was this like amazing author speaking to you the reader that child like as an equal which i think was like a very an experience i never had until that point when you write when you were writing anatomy where would like where do characters come from? Do they like, do you cobble them together from people? You know,

do they show up fully formed or do you kind of figure it out as you're writing them? You a little cobble it together. I do. I little Frankenstein it. And then you think of like in any situation, sometimes I think like I tend to make the most boring decisions right like if I'm faced with the conflict I always want to do like the logical thing of like causing the least amount of harm and

the least amount of drama like in my life but that's like so boring for a character in a book and so it's really fun to be like okay well what is like the problem not problematic but like the troublesome thing to do here. And so then you get to like, you get to make a character that's like more impulsive and worse at making decisions than you, because it's more fun. Like I would just drop Karen off in real life, but in the book, I dropped Karen off.

I go across the street and I beat the shit out of that guy. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Very specific with a, with a gun handle. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Very specific. With a gun handle? Yeah, yeah.

We talk about it a lot. But it is that thing where you're like, wish fulfillment. You're like, this is what I would do. This would be fun. There are certain details in Boy that I just like are lodged in my brain forever. Like he talks about being at like British prep school and he sees, this is like a full part in his memoir about seeing an older boy riding a bike with no handlebars like down a hill and he's like and that affected my entire life of just how cool that kid looked like from that moment on i was like and just like the fact i get that that would

fuck me up too as a boy yeah for sure and i just i also loved that where i was like oh books don't have to be about like you your life could be interesting even if you're like not doing like globe globe changing specific things it was like oh he just saw a kid being the coolest kid he's ever seen and like that was profound to him and now he can write about that in a smart and interesting way. Oh, yeah. Amazing. Yeah. So if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. He, Roald Dahl, is dead and his family has reckoned with his legacy of hating Jews

to the point where he is not benefiting from you reading it and I feel like as a Jewish person, I got to steal joy from him. That bank demon line. Yeah. I almost cried a second ago. I don't know

if you, I didn't want to, I could not stop laughing. No, his horrible line, like the one quote where like he did fight in World War II. He was a pilot and he wrote a second memoir like about fighting for the British on the right side. Yeah. It was called We Bombed the Wrong People.

The wrong guy died. He did say he was like, even, you know, people do tend to hate the Jews. And I have to wonder, like, even a stinker like Hitler hating them, like, what did they do? Can I say, I've been reading a book about that specifically and it is wild roald dahl hating jews uh just about the jewish anti-semitism in general it's called

the rise of totalitarianism by hannah arendt and she talks about oh yeah yeah it is i a lot going on there it's like it's so much deeper right in there it's a it's a sad read it is a it's talk about it is thick too i get i i read it very slowly but they talk about all that stuff and it is crazy i didn't know so much of that uh it's time for us to know what your next pick's gonna be my next pick is going to be not his most famous book but my favorite one uh sideways stories from wayside school man i used to love those as a kid i definitely felt very alone a lot very like just like in a lot of situations where in like the whole point of those books that was that like adults were the weird ones. Yeah.

And that the kids were more sane. And that like, I just really kind of related to that having just been around so many different kinds of people and stuff like that. So I just, and I thought they were so funny as a kid. Like they were so like the first, like first books I remember thinking were like really truly very funny and like it was like four of them i think and yeah and it was like and they had like you know the the mean teacher who was actually a witch and like that i really related to on the idea of like no my teacher's crazy i'm reasonable you know what i mean wasn't there one where the teacher kept taking off layers and it was just a rat yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah really and like yeah really silly like that

like the humor was really out there i like remember there was like one there was one story of the school that was like boarded up you couldn't get to that store like there was no 13th story yeah yeah it was not but oh my god i remember that yeah and i just i just remember just reading them over and over and over and thinking they were so funny and yeah just that idea of like the kids are normal and the parents are like kind of like like a rugrats situation kind of like it's just like it was always that the adults were the antagonists. Yeah. Or the adults were the ones who weren't reasonable or whatever. And as a kid who was bouncing around from place to place, I felt a lot like... It just, yeah, I really liked it.

Here's my question. David, was there one of the kids named David? There was a David. There was a David. I forgot about that. Yeah. There was a David in that book. Oh my God, I forgot about that completely. was a david in that book oh my god i

forgot about that completely do you remember what david's story was no shit oh no oh my god it's been so long i just remember the series because it was like sideways stories and then falling down oh he was like a very specific i can't uh i might have to i might have to read this children's book again because I remember there was a Dana which was very exciting for me but she never got a good story oh man I can't

I'll look it back up and report to you but Sideway Stories from Wayside School so funny just great yeah great pick and like things like things like yeah things like the teacher

turns into a rat and that's really and even as a kid you read it and it's so absurd but so funny and like yeah it was it's just like created a really really fun world i remember those teachers we had that we all were like this teacher sucks and they were but that's real i bet you almost all teachers are like saints you know nobody gets into no i don't i don't agree i don't agree with that at all david bory do you know that lewis acker came out with a new wayside school but he says to enjoy this you have to read the first three first i love that he came out with one last year wow that's awesome i love that and also yeah sean that teacher's thing i do not agree with that There's people who are bad at their jobs in every field.

But I'm saying they're probably not a bad person. I don't know. I had some teachers say some real wild shit to me. I don't agree with that at all. Really? Okay. But I think there's a lot of great ones, and I think it's a really difficult job to do, and I think you're doing the Lord's work, but I'm not going to sit here and pretend

like I don't think there's some really bad ones. Some people are doing the Lord's work poorly. Yeah. But yeah, Sideways Stories from Wayside School. So funny, man. So funny. Excellent pick. Even as a kid, I didn't think a lot of kids' books were that funny, and that was really funny. Didn't he also make, well,

another one that, I won't say picks. He made another famous YA book, though, right? it's on my list i think i know which one you're talking about i'm going to take uh a book i read when i was a kid that i don't i don't know how appropriate it is but i again sleepers off the board yes sleepers is gone i think it's i think it's fine i'm going to to take the Indian in the cupboard. Oh, they made a movie too, right? They made a movie and they made some sequels to the Indian in the cupboard too. What was it?

It was like he was the only one who could see him? Yeah, they had little toys. He had little toys of Indians. It was like an old British book. And he put an Indian in this little cupboard. He got a gift of a small plastic indian and then like closed it and then when he opened it he was real the indian was real he was a tiny little guy and he just kind of helps him like navigate through being being a kid something like that little bear is the name just throws him some sage advice here and there yeah do they go on adventures uh i don't fully remember is the kid from new york

city is that right i think the kid is british oh maybe he is from new york city maybe in the movie that might be in the movie yeah i'm pretty sure i read that back in the day i just thought it was a it it had i'm looking at the uh the wikipedia for it it was criticized for its depictions of american indians so i apologize for that but i definitely when i was a kid thought it was like a really cool like idea that like these little toy like what if your toys could come alive was like a very powerful idea when you were a kid because they were proto toy story yeah proto toy story they were kind of like alive to you anyway and i was like oh man what if like this power ranger could come to life or like whatever it was i thought like i'm just gone in there living a life yeah yeah that's amazing just

looking at a toy and you're like just walk just yeah come on a little bit for me i know it's in there i know it's in there i think he also i think the kid also brings like a little cowboy to life and then brings like a like when one of them hurts the other he brings like a little medic to life i could see i could see how this started getting complicated yeah it's getting out of hand and he's like shit now we're gonna bring this world war one medic to life too by putting him in the cupboard then he has to explain the difference between a surgeon and a physician with more anesthesia. But yeah, the Indian

in the cupboard, I just remember loving that idea when I was a kid and also thinking very correctly that it was a queer depiction of the American Indian and not one that ought to be trusted. Oh, I forgot that you were a little boy who said queer a lot. I was, yeah. But not in the way that Sean was. No, I was a little studded. And I was.

I was a studded little boy. I was going to say, at least take the blame with me. Yeah, yeah. We're going to get to my fourth pick, but not before we take another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35.

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Everything already in progress. and use promo code all fantasy and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything already in progress um we've just wrapped up the first three rounds and we're about to uh evoke the spirit of dana schwartz and speedster our way through the final two rounds um it's time for my pick i am ian carmel and it's time now to get to my fourth pick uh there's so many on the board um but i'm going to go ahead and take lotion the book a book called lotion i would read i would readotion with my hands.

When I was a boy, I would read Milk. I read Mayonnaise. It's so gross. I'm taking a book called My Father's Dragons. I don't know if anybody else read this, but they were they were very important to me it was about like a boy going to an island to rescue like a baby

dragon and then there were two other books i don't remember if i'm being honest i don't remember a ton do you dana what i love this book you love i called you baby ian i love this book i love it i love it it's not like calling a teacher mom. You can do that, Ian. Wait, and is this the one where he goes to the island and they are like, you have to have these specific items. Yes. And then he uses the ribbons for the lion. Yeah.

And he has to cross a thing with a crocodile. Oh my God, what a great book. Such a good book and it like i remember i had like wildly like animated dreams about it when i was a kid like i i like had like lucid dreams that i was like on this island kind of thing and like and lived amongst the dragons and i remember waking up and being like dreams can be like that and i've been chasing that sensation ever since you've been chasing the dragon as it were i've been chasing the dragon, as it were. I've been chasing the dragon. Yeah, but they were just

great books. I read them when I was really, really young. But yeah, they were just so good. I think there were two others, Jacob and the Dragon or Jacob... Was that the Jacob? Oh no, Jacob Tutu and the Diamond. He gives a rhino a toothbrush to brush his horn.

Yeah. That sounds fun. Yeah, it's just a very cute good book um man yeah i don't really have anything else to say about it back then except my fucking dragons were awesome man that is i just watched shang chi and i was like i forgot about how cool i thought dragons were yeah dude dragons are dragons are dope yeah man if if game of thrones didn't have dragons that's a different series dude well they they allude to it the whole time yeah the whole time it's they're holding it over your head it's yeah i think i only saw the last episode of game of thrones with you you're not a big fantasy guy right you're not a big fantasy guy. What? You're not a big fantasy guy.

You don't like that world, right? I go in and out, but not particularly. But I mean, I watched the last episode with you guys. I had a good time. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, it was. That was. After we drove back from, where the fuck were we?

Somewhere weird. Somewhere far. Oh, we went to do Doug Love's movies, right? Yeah, it was like, I was like, great. right yeah it was like i was like great yeah yeah anyways but yeah my father's dragon great book one i would strongly recommend for your kids and the in the sequels they were really fun by ruth styles gannett that's an author's name fun name author's ass name uh elmer and the dragon i think was one of the sequels david boy time for your fourth pick my fourth pick is i found out in looking it back up for this book by the guy

who made veronica mars whoa yeah by rob thomas uh it's called rat saw god rob thomas not not that's hilarious what if rob thomas did he's like you know what fuck this i'm gonna be a singer children's books it was like a very angsty teen book about this kid who like his dad was an astronaut and then him and his parents weren't clicking during high school and then he moved from like houston to san diego and he got into pot and then he got into this really weird like alternative group of friends and they were into uh asl and in their picture in the yearbook they signed the they signed rat saw god which is a palindrome for dog was star i don't know i just remember reading it when i was like whatever age it was where you had to like do you remember having to take the the book report tests on the computer yeah yeah remember that like

after you read the book so i remember i read it and like i was like in a situation where i had to like catch up so i i read it in like four days and took the test and i just really liked it and then i come to find out rob thomas of veronica mars fame wrote it wow and there's like he took some stuff from that book put in veronica mars not i never watched veronica mars though now i feel like i gotta watch it also because doesn't kareem abdul-jabbar write for it he did people really like it yeah yeah i never got into it just so i'm clear kareem abdul-jabbar wrote for veronica mars or anyone's thinking of yeah the new series yeah yeah he got really into writing he's a renaissance man john he can really do it all i knew al cindor fun fun to know fun to know i'm reading about rat saw god and he published it the

san diego parts and the houston parts were written in two different fonts in the book yeah oh i loved when they did that yeah it was and there was like also like draw it was like a really trippy like read especially you know when know, when you're like 13, you're like, this is edgy. Yeah. I mean, he's doing weed in it and there's a divorce. Yeah. There's a lot of weed in it. A lot of weed in it.

He falls in love with a girl named Dub. Good book. Oh, who didn't? She wore basketball shorts. She wore basketball shorts. From basketball shorts to basketball Schwartz. Dana, it's time for your fourth pick. There it is.

That's why they pay him the big bucks. Yeah. I'm going with another Lewis Sacker book, which I only know how to pronounce because in the beginning of every book, he's like, it's Sacker, like a sack or like in football,

not like Sakaar, even though it's spelled Sakaar. Holes. That's what I was gonna say that was the other one a great pick it was a one of the first books I read maybe the first book I read with like multiple timelines like it jumps around different timelines and then they all come together at the end and you're like oh my god I can't believe a book could do this yeah so it's about uh a young man named Stanley Yelnats which his name is the same forward

and backward oh yeah and he sort of gets accidentally framed for stealing a pair of shoes even though he didn't steal them uh and he gets sent to this like rehabilitation juvie program where he has to dig a hole every day in the dead in like a dried out lake but then that story's happening and then there's like two other stories that you think are unrelated but then uh come to uh the climax of the book and fit together like like a puzzle and it's just like a fun book and it felt smart and it was it an adventure they made a movie of it the movie was pretty fun but the book is just amazing it's got the beef boy in it right it's got the beef boy david's boy wasn't it like holes is like one of the first books i remember kids saying that was their

favorite book does that make sense yeah i remember that like it was like one of those first ones where you would hear kids be like no i love that book it's great it's like the the main storyline is happening and then there's a storyline about a uh a school teacher who falls in love with a black guy in their town and the town hates her and him and then there's a a we don't know at the time but she's also this this outlaw called kissing kate barlow which is like a really cool name uh yeah it's like an old west mystery and then there's like an old i guess probably not in retrospect a good portrayal of a of a gypsy woman but there's like a gypsy's curse that feeds into it all it's it's like all the fun you want and then the i'm not we can't say with the i don't want to spoil the end but it's like it ends with like the the fun you want. And then the, I'm not, we can't say what the, I don't want to spoil the end, but it's like, it ends with like the best shit you could end it with.

Oh, that sequence. It's like, to borrow a phrase, it's like they fed all the quarters in and then it just is coming out like. It's paying off. Yeah. It ends so, it's ends so good and happy. Yeah. That last like 60 pages is just like like boom, boom, boom, boom.

I've never said that about 60 pages. What about the dirt? You keep shitting on the dirt this whole episode. Not like that. I did fly through the dirt. You're right. It inspired you to kick in a window, which is what they wanted. You know how much i think about how like

i feel probably as much as i think about it that small shop owner that just showed up to work and the window was kicked out by a shit bag anyway that's not what we're talking about yes i'm in pull up on the yoke dude you're all right you've done more good than bad you know what has what has a lot of dirt holes a series. A series about digging in the dirt. You two should get married. Also, wasn't... I like that. Did you?

Wasn't it? David, stop. So when you guys... I'm trying to talk about books. Sorry, Sean. You're out of the conversation, I guess. Was there any part of either one of you, the first time that you were doing this shit where you're like in the back

of your mind, we're like, it'd be weird to be married to that person. Like I could see myself marrying that person. When we were, when Dana was a guest for the first time. Yeah. Just like in the back of your mind,

it'd be weird to be married to that person. I didn't think it would be weird. I think that about every single guest we've ever had. Not weird. But was there a tiny little part in the back of your brain? Like, wouldn't it be crazy if we got married or something? I think I was so focused on non-Disney, non-Pixar animated movies

that the thought of marriage didn't cross my mind. She's focused on trashing Shrek and wearing an American film. Terrible pic, that terrible point of view in there somewhere that Shrek was a bad movie. Just an awful point of view. That was taking up most of your space. I challenge you to re-watch Shrek and tell me if you enjoy it with the Roald Dahl and the JK Rowling

pics the Shrek opinion is making a lot more sense when you think about the well she's been drinking from since she was a kid okay now he's painting a bigger picture I get it it's a whole conspiracy you chose the Indian in the cupboard my authors of problematic views

that is a problematic book so i could condemn it so i could bring it up and condemn it so i could say thank god we don't read books like this anymore i thought you two were gonna get married the first time i laid eyes on both of you so we're still getting married i know i know you call it the first time you saw d. You call it the first time you saw Dana you knew? First time. First time you saw me, you're like, she's going to marry Ian Carmel, become Dana Carmel? Yeah.

I was thinking Ian Schwartz, but yeah. It's still on the table. Yeah, you can still make that move. Or you could do the Schwartz mill. You could do that. No, we can't. No. Or you have to combine them. So it'd be like schmell schwarrell quartz

mel schmortz mel schmortz mel schmortz well that's got to be the name of the first kid he's also like space balls she doesn't look jewish i said jewish it's drewish funny she doesn't look drewish uh sean time for your fourth and then your final picks you old so-and-so okay now here's where i'm gonna need some wiggle room because this is a kid's book there are pictures but it's this is how you thank god i didn't have all five of these be picks like this i think it would be fine man yeah man where the sidewalk ends yeah wonderful book all right i just well it's not you know that's like a full-on children's book but it's it's a book of poetry yeah poems that's one like one of the first thoughts when max was born i was just

like i can't wait i could almost start crying but i cannot wait to read her those because it's like i remember those getting read to me yeah i'm man you should read her some of his early work oh yeah that dude wrote pornographic poems and a boy named sue and a boy named sue and when you look at his author photo it makes sense you're like silverstein looks like a fucking lunatic he looks like a fucking murderer yeah he's crazy he looks like the coolest guy in the world yeah i was gonna say i think he looks badass i think he looks amazing author photo yeah he's handsome he's cool it's like the clown in house of a thousand corpses at the beginning yeah you've seen that movie looking no he's amazing yeah he's um yeah yeah anyway i love him but he's crazy looking

well yeah i get that yeah there's there's a little bit of a david manson thing to him who manson oh charles manson charles manson jesus no david manson his brother david manson also his like author photo was the whole back of the book wasn't it like it was a big no you knew what he looked like you knew what he looked like yeah that dude wanted you to know what he looked like come on he looks crazy i'm looking at it right now it's like a psycho do you see what i mean with a little bit of the charles manson thing if you just hired a babysitter online and you didn't get a picture of him. I'm not going to hire a babysitter. I'm also not going to hire a 40-year-old dude babysitter

probably. I'm just saying, if you just got a description and you're like, alright, I'm going to hire... Cool, they sound like a good babysitter. And then Shel Silverstein showed up, I think I'd just stay in for the night. You know what I mean? What if it was like award-winning children's book author? Yeah, what if you knew that he wrote The Given Tree? But if that guy shows up...

As an award-winning children's author kidnaps Maxine Jordan. Now, so, this is very specific to me for my fifth pick. If you do not let me pick it, I understand. And I will pick a different book. It better be the Bible, dude.

That was the other book I was gonna talk about, because I read the Bible when I was like 11. There's a lot of brutal stuff in there we had to read it in uh ccd you've had some tough reads dog well that was worse than sleep we had to read it in ccd uh so this is just me but when i was a kid i used to read the north american field guides do you know what those are? No, no. They're pictures. They're books with pictures of like this. These are all the frogs in the world. These are all the snakes in the world.

These, so you can get different. It was like, it was like blue planet in book form. There were barely any words, but when I would go to the library, when I was a child, I would get those when other kids got books and i would just sit and read whatever words were in there but mainly

just look at pictures of the frogs and the snakes and things that's sweet all right yeah now look them are you looking it up ian no i know what you're talking about now those i would in our library time i would just sit and i would sit and I would essentially look at those. So that's if you'll let it happen, it's going to be the North American Field Guide series. That's why I had to wait.

Tight. North American Field Guide. Dana Schwartz, time for your final pick. I'm going to take The Giver. good uh dana schwartz time for your final pick uh i'm gonna take uh the giver oh yeah i love that book read it a lot i feel like it started like my taste i kind of like like dystopian fantasy novels for a long time but it was like it was a fantasy book that didn't feel like a fantasy book it's like very grounded yeah very grounded very smart very relatable it's like the rare situation of like i feel like nowadays there became like this trend of like oh you're in this dystopian

society and only you can can break it but what i really liked about like the giver was like the main character jonas uh was like totally in on the world like he he's like, yeah, we live in a great world. Like every like book now that I feel like about those dystopian worlds, it feels like someone from our world just appeared into that world. It's like, this system sucks. Like they know from the beginning

that the system that they live in is bullshit. But like the giver was really good because like he was living in that world and he's like, yeah, this is our system. This is what we is what we do it's normal it's good and his eyes like slowly get opened right that was really smart yeah really smart really good book um david time for your final pick uh i think it was written in like 85 or something that's called the moves make the man it's about these two kids in North Carolina who bond together over playing basketball in the woods.

It's like hard to explain, but the one kid is like, he has the white kid. The one kid is like the only black kid at the all white school. Cause it's like in like 61. And then he befriends this white kid who's teaching himself how to play basketball. And he's just this really bizarre kid.

Like the white kid hates lying because his father lies a lot so this black kid's trying to teach him how to play basketball and he refuses to learn like fakes like he won't do head fakes and crossovers and stuff like that that's interesting because he like he hates lying but then at this one point this thing happens where like he has to play a game against his father to see his mom in the mental hospital. And he compromises himself and he does a fake. He fakes out his dad in a basketball game, like does a crazy head fake and drains it. And then he did.

His dad takes him to go see his mom. Whoa. And then ultimately it's like super heartbreaking. Sounds heavy as shit. It's like a lot of other really. It's just like such a good, like strange bedfellow, just like a really,

really interesting book, man. The moves make the man. Yeah. It sounds like a Bobby Brown album to me. Yeah, it does. It's a lot,

like a lot of it's about basketball and it's about race and it's about like a little bit of mental, a lot of mental illness. Cause the kid's mom is mentally ill and then he's really's just yeah it's just great book great great book um excellent pick there are so many books i want to take right now but i can't let on the north american field guides off both off the table i can't let this draft go by what an open and close i can't let this draft open and close without a mention of the god rl stein get it get in i read so many fear street books i read even more goosebumps books and i have to take my favorite goosebumps deep trouble about a shark oh i never read that

one but i remember the cover yeah the. The cover sold those books, dude. Oh, yeah. Those were. That was a book fair spatch because you're like, look at this. You don't even need crack. You're like, check this shit out, dude. Yeah. Wear it like a badge.

Night of the Living Dummy, dude. Look at that shit. You know what's going on there. Yeah, I completely forgot about those books. Oh, that cover pissed me off. Yeah. All those covers, but that dummy one. I love the Go books man had to

take it one a month how did he do it that's awesome he's a weird looking guy have you ever seen rl stein oh yeah he's all weird i never even thought to look what he looks like hold on i'm gonna right now kind of looks like he smells like soup oh yeah he looks like he enjoys a good bisque yeah rl stein i'm taking a deep trouble from goosebumps marissa do you have a that wraps us up do you have a pick yes i'm delighted this hasn't been picked yet i'm picking the book series a series of unfortunate events yeah it was a story about some really smart orphans it was dark it was funny it was absurd uh i was obsessed with it as a kid also i met the author and i got him to sign my book and he wrote in it uh to marissa a future

orphan which i loved but he was i realized he was pretty grim yeah yeah yeah that's kind of funny I guess we all are, maybe, unless we die first. Sean Jordan, you went first. You went first. You took sleepers. I did. And then The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Rings, My Teacher is an Alien, Where the Sidewalk Ends, and The North American Field Guide. If you just showed me those five books and asked me to find a through line i couldn't no no way you went second from the mixed up files of mrs basilie frankenweiler or frank weiler harry potter and the sorcerer's stone boy holes and the giver dave and you went

third you took ender's game the outsiders sideways stories from wayside school rat saw dog and the moves make the man i went last i took red wall winnie the poo the indian in the cupboard boo my father's dragons and goosebumps deep trouble but really all the goosebumps uh we left a lot on the board yeah i want to send some shout outs to wooden teeth and jelly beans a book about flies presidents uh dinotopia frindle the western game dinotopia dinotopia i didn't even have that on my list salamander strum catcher in the rye which i didn't know was why until i looked this up star girl did anyone read those jerry spinelli books no what else did jerry spinelli also write maniac mcgee that sounds right he had a good maniac mcgee Maniac McGee on my list. He had a good run. To Kill a Mockingbird, The Call of the Wild, A Wrinkle in Time, Tuck Everlasting, The Lion,

the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Where the Red Fern Grows. I read those too. I read a book called Sphere. Was that... Have you ever heard of that? Was that a YA book? I kind of remember Sphere. Yeah.

I liked Feed. This would have been after your time, but I really liked this book called Feed about kids with computers in their brains. Oh. And then there was a book that... One of those weird ones that i read that i feel like no one's heard of it was called stravaganza city of masks and it was about a boy is transported to old-timey venice oh you read that yeah yeah i bet you read that stravaganza old timey venice

stravaganza you and the author's wife or husband are the only ones who've read that that's awesome stravaganza that's my impression of dana at the age of 12 stravaganza city of masks yeah

interesting old timey venice you say at the age of 12. Ooh, it's Raffiganza City of Masks. Yeah. Interesting. Old timey Venice, you say? Yeah, that was me. I was enchanted. And sourced,

even. Yeah. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter, All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything

Patreon. Thank you so much for your generosity holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Shaslackity. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. Thank you so much for your generosity holding us down. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Shaslackity. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Oh, can I say? Yeah, please.

No, no, no, no, no. Shout out to Waffle Toppeth. Thank you for the Christmas gift. Waffle Toppeth. Oh, yeah. That's so cool, man. He got me like a King of the Hill. He got me some candy.

Sam Talent ate most of it. He got me a King of the Hill he got me some candy sam talent ate most of it he got me a king of the hill uh apron and a guide to where the best chefs eat so amazing shout out to alan prior brand for my uh secret santa gift thank you a little as a tea brewing thing i have not received mine dark sean dude can i also say it makes me laugh on the subreddit the the comment section of my first appearance on the show when they are like wow dana and ian just don't vibe that's hilarious yeah through that i've learned what i always figured is that fan you may be a fan of something but it doesn't mean you necessarily know what's going on and i apply that to my own life yeah absolutely like it's like i like shit but i don't really know if i understand it yeah

i don't know what's going on uh shout out to shrek shout out to donkey shout out to saint sue carmel shout out to frankie ocean shout out to sid the dude shout out to haji beats and more important than all of that tune in again next week to another brand new episode of all fantasy wait a minute tune in again next year tune in again next year to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything shaklakity that was a hate gun podcast