Always Laugh Podcast - Pod #16 - Walker Got Kicked Out of a Professional Hockey Game

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

This episode we talk about getting kicked out of a professional hockey game, being too ugly for facial recognition, high thoughts, and angler fish. Hosted By: Austin Lane (@austinlane_fit), AJ Allen (@ajnotalex), and Walker Smith Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYNegdIXrzsdQxLPjeWsKww Follow us on all socials!! @alwayslaughpodcast

Welcome back to the always laugh podcast. My name is Austin Lane. My name is AJ. My name is Walker. My favorite place to sleep is a sporting event Smith. Oh, this is the number one podcast you've never heard of. Episode 16. Tune in, grab your Bev, get your smoke. Just hang out with us. We gonna know shoot the shit let's get it how's everyone how we living living great uh happy 420 to all of you degenerates that partake in those such activities shout out kitty shout out the grandma most of people that watch this podcast and most of the people most of the people on the podcast i said most you guys can uh so can i get some off my oh yeah cheers boys 16 four months cheers to episode number 16 this is the is it the almost the end of the month for month four yep almost yeah yeah we're we're on month four the end of of it. Cheers. All right. Walker, what you got to get off your chest, bud? You do something that doesn't really bother me, but it kind of bothers me a little bit.

Let's get straight to it. Austin burps like he's smoking a cigarette. Do people smoke? Oh, I do that on purpose. I know exactly what you're talking about. Here's what he's like. And he'll like purse slip, blow it that on purpose. I know exactly what you're talking about. Here's what he's like. And he'll like purse slip, blow it away from you, which I respect. But you do it.

It's so funny, dude. You do it every fucking time. Yeah. Would you prefer I didn't do it every time? Like you want me to just let it linger right in front of your face? Sometimes, yeah. I want to sample what you got to offer, bud. All right, I got you. I'll leave something for you.

You sick fuck. If we're getting straight to it like that, I think it's funny that when someone's smoking a cigarette in front of you, how they blow it off to the side. I can't really do the movement, but I've seen a TikTok about it, and that shit had me crying the way they're like like that way they blow it out to the side it's fucking hilarious i'm just trying to be polite like i don't i don't understand why that bothers you in the slightest i'd say it doesn't really

bother me but it kind of does yeah it kind of does i'm like a light does a little bit walker are we just gonna um are we just gonna subt subtly move past your intro to this podcast and pretend like. Yeah, present it without context. We'll circle back. Okay. We'll circle back. Yeah. We got a fire story, buddy.

Yeah, yeah. That's 420, baby. Yeah. I know everyone's up here. Happy holidays. Completely stoned. Shout out to Beth and Marco. I read a really cool fact in my book today, guys.

Idiot. Do you guys want to hear it? Yes. Icebergs can get up to like 200 feet above sea level, and they can go up to 1,400 feet down. Damn. That's crazy. That's pretty wild.

I don't know what that is in kilometers. Probably some fake number. Something that doesn't actually exist. Yeah. I learned a fun fact the other day as well. It wasn't in a book. It was a real-life experience. Apparently, sometimes I will wake up,

and my face will look so fucked up when I wake up in the morning. Most people, when you wake up in the morning that you know like most people when you wake up in the morning your first move is to go grab your phone and scroll through it whatever I picked up my phone and I'm like I have the face ID like pointed at my face my face was so fucked up when I woke up in the morning that it wouldn't recognize you I'm like damn bitch like it's me it's probably because you were squinting at it dude i do that dude i literally peeled my eyes open and i'm like it's me yeah and when he says peeled he peeled peeled dude i think yet another argument for the button yet another argument for

the button i've never woken up and i'm like, oh, yeah, my thumb's fucked up. I can't work that shit. I have. Really? Yeah, I burnt my thumb one time really bad, and the button wouldn't work. I burnt my thumbprint off my thumb. Dude, you're like Will Smith. That's sick.

Yeah. Just for context, Walker has an iPhone 7 Plus with the button, and he will never change. He loves the button. But that's all we're going to say. I love the button. Fuck the button. Maybe they'll come out with a special edition iPhone for you that's like back.

It's for the button users only. Yeah. Why can't we just have like a screen surrounding the button? We already have a notch taken out of the top. Take that notch and put it around the button. Interesting. That's my proposal. Because then you'd have a notch out of the top and around the button.

No, no. We replace the notch on the top and just move it to the bottom. Doesn't seem realistic. Oh, I have recently decided that I want to be nicer to you guys on the podcast. And I hope to have the same in return because this is supposed to be always laugh podcast. And sometimes we get mean to each other and we get mean to each other in a way that nobody's laughing at anymore. So let's just be nice. Let's be kind and considerate of each other's feelings from now on.

How do you feel about that, AJ? You can be honest, honest thoughts. I'm fine with it, dude. You can be mean to me. You can be nice to me it's fine because you are really pushing me right now you are pushing my button because i know i stand 10 toes and what i fucking believe it over here you ain't gonna change shit about me all right walker what do you stand 10 toes as well aj

if like black twitter had like a message board, I feel like AJ's like the one lone white guy on there who's like dropping all the slang terms like the day after to his friends. It's like, dude, who the fuck talks like that? Yo, you got me 10 toes down, man. T-Grizzly, bro. First day out, you ever heard of it?

No, fact. T-Grizzly's fire. Come on, bro. I don't just make this shit up. It's from somewhere. I think that just solidified Walker'sly, bro. First day out, you ever heard of it? No, in fact, Tee Grizzly's fire. Come on, bro. I don't just make this shit up. It's from somewhere. I think that just solidified Walker's point, though. Yeah. I'm the only one still saying 10 toes down referring to Tee Grizzly's first day out.

Walker, it's kind of eating me alive right now. Can we please talk about what happened over these last few days? No. Please. Wait, y'all got something I don't know about? Some good stuff, though. Walker, we are going to talk about it. Y'all been hiding about some shit.

Just so you know. I'm on a carb-free diet. Woo-hoo. Congrats. You were supposed to just cut in there. That's hilarious. No, just cut in with the fucking story. Oh, okay.

Try it again. Run another one. I'm on a carb-free diet now, guys. Is that because I... I thought you were going to run a new one. So I was taking... It caught me off guard again. Oh, okay.

Are you going to hit me with the same one? Well, why would I run it back and do a new one? Okay, run it back one more time. With a new one or run was taking i was taking it caught me off guard again okay are you gonna hit me with the same one why would i run it back and do a new one okay run it back one more time with a new one or run it back with the back with the back okay the guys i'm on a carb-free diet so i'm sitting here minding my own damn business on monday and i'm i'm sitting literally right here in this seat and from my point of view there is a window uh you know in front of me i see walker walk up the stairs coming into the house and i see a i'm not gonna sugarcoat this a fat bald man walking up the stairs behind him and i'm like who the fuck is that it was a fat bald man with a beard and i was like who the hell is that i was like did he bring a co-worker home like i don't know who that is they walk in

the door since walker and his cousin can i name drop can i you know names all right it's walker and his cousin why on earth would you name drop after you said the fat bald head i mean if he ever if he's such a dick if he ever sees it he's gonna know exactly who i'm talking about no the other one we were talking about you were talking the other one that was involved in this entire story i'm about to tell he's my second cousin you don't know him so anyway they walk in and i'm like oh shit what's up guys like long time no see i had forgotten that walker told me previously that they were going to go to the first Carolina Hurricanes playoff game. Woo!

So, they come in. They drink some drinks. Walker, I think you should tell the story for this part and then up until where I want to tell the story again. Yeah, we drink some drinks. We have a couple Crown Royale shots here. And then we go over to a local neighborhood bar. We have a couple Crown Royale shots here, and then we go over to a local neighborhood bar. We have a couple tequila shots there.

I was already in bad straights, so we take an Uber. We go to the bar across from the stadium. The vibes are great. Usually this person's always talking shit to Walker and stuff. The vibes are amazing. Everything's going really well. It seems like they're having a good time. So we get to the Uber. we get out of the Uber.

I'm like, pat my pockets. I'm like, oh shit. So I literally turn around and sprint back out in the street and like flag the Uber down. And I look through the backseat of his car. My phone isn't anywhere. So I'm sitting on the couch at this point and i get a phone call from walker's phone because walker's phone's sitting next to me this whole time no way and his cousin's like hey uh you have walker's phone i'm like yeah it's sitting right here and he's like all right he's a

fucking idiot and hangs up i'm like all right cool we have a couple drinks at uh at the place whatever we're at yeah then we go into the stadium. We both get two glasses of wine. We head down to our seats. As I'm walking down to my seat, I can't even, like, carry the wine. Like, I'm spilling it everywhere. It doesn't matter how I carry it or how careful I am. It's just, like, spilling everywhere.

He's spilling it on the people around them like so i i drank one of those wines and uh don't have any memories till the next morning so at this point when was this this was monday the carolina carolina hurricane's first playoff game um so at this point um i'm still at home because i was like a little bit sick i didn didn't want to go, whatever. They walk back in the door like early as shit. Like the game was in the first period. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you guys back? And like his cousin's like, oh, fucking dumbass over here got us kicked out for being too drunk. And I'm like, okay, you guys are obviously fucking with me because he didn't seem drunk at all.

Like he walks in all like, hey, Austin, how you doing? And I'm like, yeah, they're fucking with me. He's fucking hammered. I was like, okay, maybe they weren't able to get tickets, something like that. His cousin's like, no, we got kicked the fuck out. I'm like, what the hell happened? So from this point forward, Walker doesn't,

you still don't remember anything until the next day. So yeah, his cousin is telling me the whole story of it's just his cousin and i chilling on the couch watching the rest of the uh hurricanes game he's telling me the whole story of what happened so apparently walker had few too many fell asleep at the game slumped over in his chair like this. The class just leaned over head down. His cousins grabbing his hair and pulling his head back and dropping it. And his head just drops. The people around them are getting like concerned.

They're like, is he OK? Like, is he alive? Like, what the what the hell is going on? So his cousin's like, all right, I'm going to take him up, and I'm going to, like, wake him up, and, like, everything's going to be fine. Just, like, we're good. We're good. Whatever. And apparently when they, like, walked up the stairs to, like, wake Walker up,

the security was like, yeah, we have a cart waiting for him. And his cousin's like, no, please don't do all that. We'll just leave. Like, we'll get out of here. Thank God you didn't get carted off. I can see you on TMZ now. You know, if I had a dime for every time I fell asleep and got escorted out of a professional sports stadium,

I'd only have two dimes, but it's weird that it's happened twice. It's happened two times. I was dumbfounded when they came back and told me that. I was like, Walker, you freaking idiot. It's honestly funny about the whole Hurricanes thing because me and Kenzie went to a Hurricanes game, and we left really early as well voluntarily. But it's just funny.

I haven't met someone yet to ride out a whole Canes game. But this was game one of the playoffs. They spent decent money to see the game, and I'm like, you guys are back way too early. And so this brings me into one of my other topics. Please tell me you didn't have your work shirt on. No, of course not. Oh, thank God. What is your worst non-physical and like non-trauma inducing fight in your family?

Non-physical? Yeah. So like just an argument that's always had within the family? Yeah. Or it's just like one time I got taken too far, but like it didn't result in violence. It was just like hurt feelings. I feel like most of those are with my brother and they almost always resulted in violence uh let me think aj you got something no i'm like i'm like the worst person to ask about this because i don't give a flying fuck about any of my family besides my mom and we

not really arguing like that uh y'all tight you got something i'm sorry i don't have nothing more but i just will never speak to you again. If we get any types of anger, I will literally never speak to you again. I don't care. Well, Austin, you told me about the story about this guy who came home drunk after passing out at the Canes game. He got in a really big confrontation with his cousin. Oh, shit. I guess I did kind of skip over the whole uh the whole violent you said non-violent

we were dropping bars this i yeah i i can't i don't know why i just kind of skipped over that part of the story i was too caught up in you getting kicked out of the game um yeah so his cousin's fucking livid like he is pissed off who is this guy do i want Do I need to fight him or some shit? Nah, it's like, I don't know. We're both bald. We can fucking go at it now. His cousin's pissed.

Like, really pissed. And Walker's just like, he doesn't give a shit. Like, Walker's hammered. He's like, oh, it sucks you got kicked out. His cousin's like, I would beat your ass right now and walker's like yeah well you kind of missed your chance and his cousin's like his cousin's like you're so damn lucky that you were i'm staying in your house now beat the fuck out of you and he's like every like five minutes his cousin just like looks over at him he's like i will fuck

you up i will fuck you up. I will fuck you up. And they're just going back and forth like siblings. And just saying the dumbest. They're both trying to talk shit to each other, but they're drunk. So it's just stupid as fuck. But his cousin's like, you're fat. You're the fattest you've ever been. And Walker's like, yeah, I could say the same to you.

You're fat as fuck. Like, they're just talking nonstop shit. I don't remember anything. I bet it would have been very cathartic for me. Walker just simply didn't give a fuck. He's like, yeah, I got us kicked out, and I don't give a shit. That's fire. Good for you.

That should have been on your New Year's resolution, get kicked out of somewhere. That's fire. He's like, oh, you got kicked out. You got kicked out. Nothing happened. No legal issues. You're good, bro. You're good.

You live to fight another day. Yeah, leave. They got home halfway through the first period, and Walker was asleep by halfway through the second period on the couch. Yes. And I had a horrendous hangover the next day. Oh, I believe it. I literally pick Walker up off the couch.

He flops onto the beanbag in front of him and then rolls onto the floor, and that's where he was for, for like the next four hours at least. I was kind of shocked when you said they started off with Crown Royal shots and then had more shots at the local bar and then finished with wine. Well, my fault was thinking I could keep up with a professional alcoholic. You got big cuss over. I've learned that lesson too many times to keep trying it. What is your big cuz?

A big drinker or what? Oh, degenerate alcoholic for sure. Big degen guy? Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. Is he worse than him? Oh, yeah. Buddy, I don't know where you...

Even in Austin's worst day, I don't know where you get hold a fucking Even in Austin's worst day I don't know where you get off Trying to fucking talk shit to me You're like the punching bag I'm the scapegoat Buddy everything I do You do with me So fucking chill out

I know You guys really are Here's what I want to ask you Do you all know about anglerfish? Specifically the mating practices of anglerfish? I don't know their mating practices. Perfect. Let me enlighten you.

Okay. So the female anglerfish is the big scary one that you see in Nemo. It's got the little light. The male anglerfish is about this big. It's about the size of a tadpole what it does is it goes up and attaches itself to the female anglerfish then merging itself into a body and the female anglerfish uses it as a sperm bank so my question is what the fuck who's the female angler and who's the sperm bank him both who is what i'm the uh yeah choose carefully i'm

the big scary one he's so you're getting fucked by me you're the sperm bank buddy i'll take the sperm bank i'm fucking aj your jeans are being passed on you're getting fucked by a dude cut the fucking cut the shit cut this I don't play like that, bro. Drop another one of your phrases. I don't play with that shit. You know I came whole wife. What you got, single? My right hand.

Yeah, you came right hand. In it mostly. It takes good care of you. Okay, okay, okay. In all seriousness, is your cousin a cool guy or not? No. I mean, yeah, he's a cool guy, but I don't like him. I'm saying, like, would you, like, be like, hey, big bro, like, come over?

Never. Why were y'all hanging out with the first place? Because we see each other like once a year When he comes to town Oh he's not from here? He lives in a different city close to us In North Carolina? He lives in Charlotte

So he was coming to town for the game He one of them He one of them He from the big city So guys I got reminded Of a story today. Between the ages of, I'd say, 11 to 14, I was super, all I wanted to do was be an Air Force pilot. Like, all I wanted to do was fly planes.

I was the type of kid who was, like, excited for JROTC in high school. Like, I was, like, that level of loser. Sorry, I'm supposed to be nice. No, no, you can be mean please were you in jr rotc dude they made i used to have like shoulder i used to have hair that would cover my ears boy they made me cut it and it it stripped a lot out of me but anyways did you used to make out with your girlfriend in the hallway like you're about to get shipped off to Iraq. A girlfriend in high school? Yeah, okay. Don't make me laugh, bro.

So between 11 and 14, my uncle, who worked in the State Department at the time, he got me a tour at the Pentagon. That's fire. So we go up there. We go through security and everything like that. Security's super strict. They take us in the holding area, and then we get assigned two guides. This freaked me out so much as a kid. So what the Pentagon escort guides do is they go to training for two years and I swear to God,

they walk backwards the entire time. They don't break eye contact with the group and they're talking the entire time. They'll like walk up steps sideways. They'll go up escalators backwards around corners. They've mapped out the building exactly to where they can walk it backwards and lead a group around. That's some psycho shit. That's psycho. What the fuck? Who the fuck does it? So they're similar to

Chick-fil-A workers. It's not even a security thing. They're just fucking psychos. They're just walking backwards like I want to look at y'all. They're robots. Stay engaged. It's AI. They're literally AI. AI will be the death of us.

It freaked me the fuck. The first time the chick turned a corner real hard and didn't even look back, I was like, oh, that's fucked up. She's connected to a track, bro. You're like, yo, I have a question. Why the fuck aren't you looking where you're going? That's fucking weird, bro. Hold on.

There's people back there. Watch out. You ain't looked at your phone once. Do the people that are working there just know to avoid them at all costs? Don't run into them. It's probably one of those things. It's like, hey, we got a bunch of shitty people coming through for the tour. Stay out of the way.

Don't go down hallway H. I'm going to be walking backwards, so please don't fuck me over. We have a bunch of DJs trying to act like they care about the Pentagon. I don't believe it. Jesus Christ. Shit, boys. AJ, what you got going on? How's your weekend?

Can we talk about what I made for dinner No Stop asking rhetorical questions Oh yeah that was in my contract But I didn't sign it Yeah and your lawyer still hasn't gotten back to it AJ you don't have to ask us for permission I paid him a very small retainer

And he's taking this sweet ass AJ's still acting like he's on a 10 day contract Like am I allowed to say this am I allowed to say that listen listen it's like dude just give it a shot we'll fucking shoot it down if we hate it you'll get cut okay what I built what's you asked me what's going on with me what's going on with you shit too much and I can't call it we've just been working and shit you know what'd you make for dinner tonight um so i always don't know what to make because like i unfortunately have not real quick for those that don't know we started

a podcast dinner about two weeks ago um and we rotate through who cooks and it was aj's turn tonight it was it was my turn and i um i'm still at that point in my life where I'm not that good at the whole dinner thing. I just never know what to make, and I usually don't know how to make it, no matter what it is. So you just don't know how to cook. Thank God I have Kenzie, because she makes dinner every night for real. And if it's my turn to make dinner, I'll just go buy some. You're like, Mickey D's tonight, all right, babe? No, we didn't get McDonald's for lunch.

I mean for dinner. That's for lunch. That's for lunch. We'll get just something I can just buy, like Chinese pizza or whatever. So today it was my turn. Y'all got Chinese out there? Oh, dude, the spot, bro. It's in the country.

It's wild. Next to a food line, of course. Buddy, what did you make for dinner tonight? I know that's like a whole bit on its own. You are taking a fucking minute. You're being mean. I'm not being mean. I brought fucking hot dogs and fucking potato salad, buddy.

Glizzies? Thank you. Glizzies and potato salad, cool. Jalapeno cheddar and fucking potato salad, buddy. Glizzies. Thank you. Glizzies and potato salad. Cool. Jalapeno cheddar and fucking sprouts. I'm just saying, Walker asked you about five minutes ago what you made for dinner. Don't care. It was good, though.

Thank you for dinner, AJ. Thank you. Can we talk about this? It was delish. I know this bit's been played out, but why is there a Chinese spot next to every food line in North Carolina? You can look it up. That is facts. Is that bit played out? I why is there a Chinese spot next to every food line in North Carolina? You can look it up. That is facts. Is that bit played out?

I've never heard anybody say that. I saw it on TikTok. I've heard that bit before. I saw it on TikTok for sure. It's been played out. I'm not a big social media guy. But if you look it up, there is a Chinese place next to a food line. Every one.

Every one. Is the Chinese usually good? Only a certain ones. That adds up a certain ones that adds up something about that adds up my barometer for chinese is if i see black people in there and then you're like it's gonna be fucking fire i'm like this is gonna be good yeah that adds up i i only i i like i seen this on tiktok as well and it really is a truth they said if you if you look up a chinese spot on whatever yelp or whatever you look up if it has a 3.5 star review that's usually the one you want to go to because that 3.5 star review is like from people saying like oh like it's usually white people

oh like their service sucked or like they were rude or like this and that and they just don't understand like that's just like a cultural thing like white rude or like this and that and they just don't understand like that's just like a cultural thing like white people are like this and like like the cultures are different so white people expect like you know like chick-fil-a service at a chinese restaurant and it just ain't like that because there's two different cultures right so like i want that 3.5 star that's usually the best one i swear look up. The best ones are when you go and it's like bulletproof glass. And they like slide it in. And they talk to you.

You're like, that shit's about to hit. I want to get spoken to through a microphone. There's a menu with three lights out on it. It's a bulletproof glass mixed with the COVID precautions. Exactly. Dude, I loved all the stores that would close down. And in the little, there'd be an entering door and then the real door to the restaurant. They put a table there. And it's like a turntable exactly like it's fire it's like the gas stations and they're not good areas and you have to like they literally like turn the thing

and it's just like yeah you just gotta turn it you know but i don't really got too much going on man i've just been extremely busy working, bro. Tell them about your mission yesterday after work. My mission? What the fuck did I do yesterday? You went to a few different places. Oh, man. Yesterday, I went out very sad yesterday.

Like, honestly, I really don't want to tell this story, but I will. So, yesterday, like, like it's just normal day i worked fucking sucked and uh i get out of work and i'm like i'm fucking starving like i'm starving dude and it was wednesday so i know it food line down i made dinner you came home oh yeah yeah yeah see that's how quick I made dinner. You came home to dinner. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's how quick I forgot about it. I came home to dinner. Thank God she made me dinner. Sweet.

It was like, you know that dinner you make when, like, you're low on groceries and you just, like, try to clean out the fridge. It's like a mixture of, like, everything. He's hating on Kenzie's meal right now. No, I'm not. She'll say that, won't you? Yeah, it was. It was a little clean out meal it was

a mixture of shit together that's what i'm saying like sometimes it was most fire meals that's what i'm saying but like you know it did what it needed to do i ate it smashed it whatever but like after we went on a little mission because i what because i wanted sushi right yeah i'm pretty sure i wanted sushi like a half hour later because on weds they have $5 sushi at Food Lion. And I know that sounds crazy because Food Lion is usually like, you know, down here and like everything else is like up here. But they have really good sushi at their brand new Food Lion. I'm telling you, it's $5, normally like $10. It's fucking gas.

That's because they got the model employees coming down from the other stores. For the first few months of a store, they'll bring the best employees from around the area and then after the few months, they bring them in. That's why stores go downhill over time. That makes sense. They have corporate in there in the beginning and getting the shit up and running and then they're like,

time to hire our everydayers. They don't give a fuck. LED lights in the hallways. It like brand fucking new dude everything is nice as shit but so you went there to get sushi and i got sushi right yeah oh no no damn it i fucking lied i went to a food lion and they ran out of sushi right the one by my house they ran out yeah so i was like fucking i'm pissed i started driving i'm like just because i took an l i'm going to cook out then fuck sushi i'm going to cook out so i went to cook out i got a junior tray i'm on a diet good boy i got a junior tray right at a boy

i got a junior tray i ate the junior tray while driving with my knee on the way to the next food line. Right. Sounds safe because I still wanted. Oh my God. So I ate my cookout tray on the road driving. I drove all the way. Like it's like a 10 mile difference. I drove the whole bitch with my knee eating my cookout tray had like four

sheriffs past me like ain't shit going on. Kenzie's like, Oh, another cop that passed you a fucking eating your tray with no hands on the wheel. Yeah. Dipping good Cajun fries in Polynesian sauce while driving. Quit playing. So look.

So then I get to the other food line and I made a comment in a car that Kenzie thinks is criminal. But I was like I was just being funny while driving acting like a serial killer I was like I will not stop till I'm satisfied like dude you sound like a racist where's next

I won't stop till I'm satisfied next thing we know AJ is gonna bust through our door like I need fucking sushi. He's tweaking out of it. He's going to look like Fat Mac here in a little bit. No. Listen, I wanted that sushi so bad.

I was like, I will not stop till I'm satisfied. And then pulled into there, got the sushi, ate half of it, and at that point, I was like, bro, I'm fucking stuffed, and i'm ashamed of myself right now and then drove home in misery and i ate the other half of the sushi today for lunch

so was it worth it oh yeah 100 worth it hell yeah because cookout alone fire sushi on wednesday at food line fire yeah you literally okay so you so you got home, had a full dinner. Literally. Then you're like, I want sushi. Couldn't get the sushi at the first place. So you were like, I'm going to the next place, but you drove by a cookout. You're like, I'm picking up a tray, but not too much because I still want sushi. Ate the tray.

No, because I'm on a diet. And then once I ate that, I was like, I can't be fucking stopped, dude. Like, the price didn't the price the junior tray would have been like the worst thing that just whetted your right yeah the junior tray threw the diet out the fucking window but the junior tray in the fucking normal tray is only the difference of one patty if you order the burger so it's like it's one patty one weak ass patty also equivalent to like three dollars i'll never order the big tray again, oh God. Junior only.

I haven't been to cookout in legitimately like, I don't think I've had cookout since we've lived in this house. Oh no, I have. Yeah, I have. Maybe like one time. There's not like one like conveniently close to here. It's not. There's not one way.

There's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. Conveniently is the key word, I guess. It's down the street, but it's on a one-way. It's not too bad. As my mother has moved into her elderly years, she's been a lot more forthcoming with information.

We'll sit down for long talks about my childhood and related events. Don't call her elderly. I just said her elderly years. Bitch is old as shit. She's still young. You're supposed to say older adult years. Well, sure. Walker says that bitch is old as shit.

That boy got liquid courage down there. Yeah, exactly. Miss Curly, I love you. Keep doing you. I still bring the spoon out on me. She's going to beat your ass. So one of the things she told me a couple months ago that's really stuck with me. It was longer than a couple months ago.

I've got this lifelong friend. His name is Jack. This guy is, I'm not kidding you, he was born two weeks after me. And my parents took me to the hospital when I was two weeks old because they wanted us to be friends for life. And it just ended up happening. But so we were, you you know commiserating around like you know certain activities that had happened between me and jack and she was telling me a story she was like you know i remember when i was uh changing y'all's diapers one time and i had y'all

both laid down on the table and uh jack had the biggest baby penis I've ever seen. So buddies, that's fucking stacked. That's dope. That's like the greatest thing a person could ever say about changing my diaper. Is that the Jack I met? If somebody was telling me about changing my diaper, that's

the only thing I would want to hear. It's the skinny ones, bro. God damn. Damn. So I just want to hear it's the skinny ones bro god damn damn so i just want to know like like what why is that a thing like that parents should be like oh let's put my son next to your son and like just fucking well she wants her diaper well yeah she wasn't like comparing us but like she was just i know because babies are not fucking humans. Literally. Facts. They're literally nothing. Have y'all seen that thing that comes out? We'll put it on screen.

It's like a baby's vision up to one year. And before six months, they literally just can't see shit. Yeah, they can't see anything. It's kind of crazy. It kind of puts it into a whole new perspective. If you ever looked at a newborn and they just look at you with an empty stare, it's like they don't even know you're there it's like why are you fucking looking

at me like that he's like i'm not i'm that didn't mean it like that i'm looking into the void like everything's blurry dog dude i bet when babies can finally see some shit they're like what the fuck the fuck have i been looking at all these months? Dude, one of my favorite genres of video on the internet is the little children who put on glasses for the first time and they just freak out looking at their parents. Or the hearing aid ones. Those ones are wild. They just start crying immediately.

It's heartwarming. Or a fucking 30-year-old that hears for the first time. It's like, what the fuck? Or an adult that sees color for the first time it's like the the we could do that for asia we should y'all should all put in on bro bro red and blue go crazy crazy they do blue and green for him uh quick side note speaking of things uh that you've seen on the internet um i saw this thing on the internet today, actually. And it was like, so I'm not saying I agree with this, but for some reason I got to chuckle out of it. Well, I got to chuckle out of it because it was fucking funny.

But, so like, what would you call a girl that sleeps with a lot of guys? Or like, yeah, sleeps with a lot of guys. You'd call her a slut. You would call her a slut. I'd call her a girl. sleeps with a lot of guys or like yeah sleeps with a lot of guys you'd call her a slut you would call her a slut i'd call her a girl i'm not i'd call her literally thank you kenzie for having my back a person who's sexually active okay stop trying to be all politically fucking correct and go with my damn story i'd call her uh she's a slut a female version of austin she's now that that that that plays into my point what would you call a guy that sleeps with a lot of girls a slut maker a slut maker thank you slut maker oh you're the chain reaction you're like the tipping point buddy i can't even focus because your fucking beard has came the fuck in, buddy. You don't have a chin strap no more.

You kind of got a beard, dude. Thanks, dog. And I'm sorry. I didn't really get your joke. I took a lot for a piss. It's fine. A lot. It's all right.

He had to get that off his chest. I feel you, dog. I wasn't able to tell the joke very well because a lot of people were chiming in and a lot of people in this room were just not giving me what I needed for the joke. But it happens. You did decent. Kenzie did decent. AJ completely just

fucked it. He's got a pension. He's got tendencies. He has a wife. I got a wife, bro. You can't say that. I don't give a damn. You're soft. Alright, let me chill. Let me chill.

I gotta be nice. He makes it hard. He makes it fucking hard. Sometimes I just wanna fucking hit him in the face. Boy, if you want to show a tender dick ass up. Tender dick? Why is my dick tender?

You know why. Oh, that, that, that. What's done in the dark will come to the light. What? That sounds disgusting. Hit you with a Bible verse. I don't know this shit, but yeah. Austin, didn't my cousin the other night, he was like, bro, you don't get anything.

Like, your bed's not even made. Oh, yeah, that. Walker, I'm so sorry that I fumbled the whole argument that I was supposed to tell the story about. I couldn't remember all the pieces. That shit was fucking hilarious, though. I don't know if I should... I don't know if I should tell the full story. Oh, yeah.

Can I tell the story or no? Shout out to Aaron. No, let's skip it. God damn it. It's funny, though. You can't just honey dick everybody like that. Honey dick. What is that? Man, that. You can't just honey dick everybody like that. Honey dick. What is that?

Man, that's kind of a... That honey packet? Honey dick. You ever heard of being honey dicked? No. It's like... It's like being blue balled. Yeah.

That's not real. Shut the fuck up. All right. It's not real. That's not the point. Being honey dicked is real. It's like... Welcome back to Talking With Walk.

I have a poem for everyone today. You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. That is Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. I was about to say wait i was like early walker if you if you uh wrote that i was about to say you should be a fucking poet i was like i don't really know exactly what that means, but it sounded very convincing. Whenever I see a poem and I don't know what it means, I'm like, that's good shit.

That's good shit. If it's above my peasant brain, it must be good. You're like, yeah, there's some heat in there. Today at work, my phone had died and we didn't have nothing to do because we didn't have, long story short, we didn't have what we needed to do and we were at a standstill for about an hour so no phone we're at a standstill for an hour we were sitting down uh in the shade and i just laid down i put a water bottle behind my head to use as a pillow it was like a half drink water bottle so it was like it had it had some air in it you know pillow and i'm just looking up at this

tree and like it's just a blue it's just a blue sky i'm just looking up at this tree and it was honestly wild it had me thinking about like that nature shit like fucking um like it really wanted me thinking about that nature shit which one in Which one in particular? Happy 420. No. 420. It really was, like, in my head, I'm like. I was looking at the trees. No, no, listen. No, I was.

I was looking at the fucking trees. Shit was far out. All the leaves looked individual. There was no technology in sight, bro. I was just looking. I saw a squirrel. Because you guys are degenerates and both of your phones died. I was looking at squirrels in the trees, birds.

I seen a red bird. I don't even see red like that normally. I seen a cardinal. AJ was like, if I don't check the Facebook account, I will literally die right now. I can't see the numbers. I was enjoying life. You want to know what I was imagining? He's like, I better just go to sleep. I was imagining

like, we're about to build something at my house, and it's going to give us more privacy. I wonder what it could be. I just could imagine if I had a tree, I would go lay under it and just look up and just bring the dog out there with me and just take a fucking vibe. With no phones, no nothing. That really reminds me. I feel like a huge thing back in the day was like...

You go slay in the ground. The peak of living was sitting under a tree, eating an apple with a book. And that's like not even in the zeitgeist anymore. If that ain't history, y'all know what the fuck is. Because somehow I learned that too. Like, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, right? You bring a book out there you bring a dog and you fucking i gotta be honest the the bridge to terry bithia really ruined my whole tree thing aj isn't it tab no

terry bithia no well yeah what i just said yes i read the book too and to killing mockingbird that racist ass book fuck that book should not be read in school. Shut the fuck up with this new little PC bitch-ass act you put on. Oh. Why should that book be read in school? No, fuck that shit. He's trying to act like he's all this and that on camera. Language arts teachers need to stop forcing their students to say the N-word.

Okay, that I can get down with. That I can get down with. That's a fucking thing. The book should still be read. The book should absolutely still be read. absolutely still be okay boo radley and shit i remember that shit was fire yeah an innocent black man it is like oh the book's racist we should never read it pointed not towards his guilt i don't remember what the fuck it was about i just remember it was like exactly crazy shit shut your mouth bitch shut your mouth bitch you. Shut your mouth, bitch. You sounded like fucking Ron DeSantis out here.

That didn't even sound comfortable for you to say that. The N-words in it? Ban it from everywhere. Yeah, Ron DeSantis, idiot. I just said ban language arts teachers from making their students sad. That's not what you said. I said that. You retracted your statement.

I retracted my nuts. I retracted my statement like his granddad did his nuts. Listen, I wish you would have retracted mine. I retracted my nuts I retracted my statement like his granddad Did his nuts Listen I wish he would have retracted I retracted my nuts There was no retraction it was all spring loaded Bud I think we're getting a little too far into the deep end I think Walker I lied

I wholeheartedly lied on the podcast earlier When I said I was gonna do this whole Being nice thing I can't fucking do it I can't fucking do it You I can't fucking do it. I feel like you made an effort with me and I really appreciate it. This guy, he just fucking deserves it. He does. He tests my nerves too.

I'm like, what the fuck is he on right now? He's pretty cool. I mean, he's cool. I fuck with him heavy but I'm like, sometimes I'm like, god damn. He brings the most dirty hot dogs I've ever had, and they're really good, and, you know, I had a... The what kind of hot dogs?

I had the really good hot dogs that you made earlier, and I had a great time. I'll fucking pour hot dog water on you while you're sleeping. No, you won't. Yes, I will. Is that, like, a promise? No, you won't. Dude. AJ,. Is that like a promise? No, you won't. Dude.

AJ, I think you're going to have to be heading home a little before then, bud. Dude. Yeah, the old ball and chain is going to drag you out of here, buddy. Okay, hold on. Let's talk about one thing real quick. I'm about to flip the script on you. I can't wait. Walker, do you want kids?

I used to in my youth, but as I grow older, I move away from it. You kind of wonder, like, what's the point? No, I've kind of joined that school thought of, like, you know, it's unethical to give life to something without its consent. Wow. That's the most wild thing I've ever heard in my fucking life that's honestly fucking crazy so do you feel that way about you being born fuck yeah well like you know i i enjoy my life but i didn't ask to be born you know and i i have some resentment for being forced to run the rat race you know why like that's right like who cares if you don't work

if you want to fucking lay in the grass eating grapes all day that's your prer why like that's why like who cares if you don't work if you want to fucking lay in the grass eating grapes all day that's your prerogative that's what i can get behind i don't care like we didn't ask for this why are we making it so terrible for ourselves like just fucking do what you want fuck it aj why do you ask i'm just Is that just a curiosity No because we was talking about Kids earlier And I really wanted to ask it Do we have an announcement Yes we do Shotgun wedding

Woohoo No on the real I did ask Walker To be the ordained minister For a wedding That's pretty fire He accepted I did

It was He asked me to be the flower girl And I accepted I literally started crying when you sent me that text dude that whole that whole situation was wild bro i felt so much love boy and boy and girl you guys got any closing arguments any final statements to end out this wonderful podcast that we put on tonight? My final statement is thank you for everyone's continued support. We love the hate comments.

So if you're trying to turn us up, keep them coming. We love that shit. Shout out to the hot dog guy. Shout out to the guy. We made hot dogs because of that tonight. Literally. Fired us up. Shout out to everyone, man.

Walk, you got anything juicy for us? Keep books in school. Happy 420. Yeah. Yeah, they kind of said everything that needed to be said. Hold on. I got one more thing. Take the iPad from your kid. They've been on it all day.

Shut it down, Bob. Thank you. AJ says as he does seven hours of screen time a day. Right. Thank you guys all so much for listening to another episode of the Always Laugh Podcast. My name's Austin Lane. My name is Austin Lane. I'm Walker.

We out. Love you, people.