Always Laugh Podcast - Pod #25 - Aj Gets Away with Breaking and Entering

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

This episode we talk about Stealing, coming home to an empty house, and Austin throws a temper tantrum. Hosted By: Austin Lane (@austinlane_fit), AJ Allen (@ajnotalex), and Walker Smith Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYNegdIXrzsdQxLPjeWsKww MERCH - Coming Soon! Follow us on all socials!! @alwayslaughpodcast

Welcome back to the always laugh podcast. My name is Austin Lane. My name is AJ. My name is Walker the stroking and sucking King. This is number number one podcast you've never heard of before. Grab your Bev. I got water today. What you got water. What you got water in a beer. If you ain't laughing you ain't living Fuck yeah boys What's up boys how we living I'm living really well Don't care Austin has a Louisville slugger I didn't walk I should have seen that coming from a mile away I have an overhang Why do you have a bat with you

If you guys don't fucking shape up I'm going to crack some fucking skulls Alright What accent were you doing with you. Because if you guys don't fucking shape up, I'm going to crack some fucking skulls, alright? Alright. What the fuck is wrong with you? What accent were you doing? Alright. That's my badass accent. Really? You talk that way the whole

podcast? Alright. Wow, actually. Let me push the eject button on that one. AJ, you got anything? There's something just about a fucking Louisville slugger that just puts fear in people's fucking... Are you scared right now? I'm saying... You don't feel comfortable?

No, for instance, say you come home and your old lady's cheating on you and you walk in with the fucking bat. I'm going to crack her melon. I'm saying... I feel like the bat is wild bro the bat is scary if you walk in on your uh on your girl cheating on you who you hitting with the bat her or the man myself i'm turning it you're gonna give it you're gonna you're gonna give it to the dude and be like just fucking end it for me, please. It's like I'm committing a... Never mind. I'm just going to get down on my knees and just be like, end it, bud.

I don't know. I just like holding it. Something about gripping this wood grain? Fucking. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the idea of a zombie apocalypse. Dude, I think a bat would be a pretty good melee weapon. What would be your melee weapon of choice? A frying pan.

A frying pan. That's like the worst. This motherfucker. Worst you could pick. Probably like a... I mean like a solid fucking nine iron or something would be fun. Oh, a club? Hell yeah.

But... I feel like it's too fragile. Maybe just like a straight up... Like, nine iron or something would be fun. Oh, a club? Hell yeah. But, yeah, maybe a nine iron. I feel like it's too fragile. Maybe just, like, a straight up... I don't know. Or maybe a shovel. There's a... What are those swords called?

A katana. Yeah, a katana. There's something about a bat I also think I could fucking take it out of your hands. Like, if you fucking swung that bitch at me for real, I feel like you could, like... Let's go in the front yard and test this theory. Almost grab it. You think? I think you could put up a damn...

You know bat speeds are like 90 miles an hour. I'd probably break all the bones in your fucking hands. Yeah, MLB. What? Yeah, what's the difference between an MLB player and Austin? I'm literally a fucking... Opportunity. That's it.

Okay, okay. So, AJ, yours would be a shovel. Yeah, a spade shovel. Why? What? I had it where I wanted it. Oh, you're pissed off I put the bat next to you? Yeah.

I wanted you to feel the same power I feel. Listen, that power would immediately go to my head. Let me grip that wood grain. Don't touch it too long. Wood grain, I'm gripping. AJ's like the worst person out there.. Wood grain, I'm gripping. Fofos, I'm sipping. He's already hit the mic.

Fucking put it down. You can't be trusted. Alright, anyway. Y'all catch that Slim Thug reference? Yeah, yeah. I didn't catch it. That Slim Thug reference when you just like wrapped two bars of this? So we were talking earlier about

we wanted to make sure we talked about this on the podcast because of what uh the pizza we had today um walker was telling a story that about how many slices of za you ate one time at work yeah yeah so uh i uh i had never really partaken in that uh magical green green bud that is that is so known for causing the munchies and everything like that. I was probably 18. I was working at this pizza restaurant called Hungry Howies. And all my coworkers were older, so they would take me out on our break. Because we would work from fucking 6 o'clock at night until 4 in the morning. Jesus.

So we'd get, like, an hour break. We'd go over to, like, one of their apartments, and they would just, like, smoke my little ass up. You were stoned out of your bone? Oh, dude, so bad. So I got back, and, like, we would always put, you know, the mess-up pizzas on top of the oven, and I just couldn't stop.

I ended up just eating piece after piece after piece. I ended up roughly eating about 30 pieces, I think, to the point where my stomach was basically distended. I had to unbuckle my belt. I was hunched over. When the shift finally ended, I hobbled out to my car, and I was just sitting in my driver's seat, just groaning like the

whole time bro walking down the stairs of my house i had to like grip both rails just like taking it step by step and uh then i end up laying in my bed sideways why why Because it's like AJ, can you chill out? Your vibes today are pissing me off Walker, you ate a lot of pizza Good shit AJ Dude Grow a dick

Why would you do that in the middle of his story? What are you gonna do about it, buddy? Why are you getting pissed off? Because that was a dumb decision I'm calling you out for that You're pissing me off right now. I'm about to get mad at AJ. Hey, yo, tell that story you got on the pod.

I'm going to fucking Batista bomb it. I ain't telling shit. Fuck it. You guys want me to talk? I'm about to be silent. Fuck this shit. I'm pissed off. Thank God.

Finally back to the fucking only person that matters. Walker. Here's what I'm talking about, boys. So, uh... I fucking forgot. AJ, get off your goddamn phone. AJ, you're being a douchebag today, man. No, hold on.

I just want to refer to that we just... The reason why we're drinking fucking water... Fucking water is because we went... we walked down to our local gas station and the doors were locked. I don't know if that's a sign. It's middle of the day and they're open 24-7. And both doors were locked. There's a line of people outside. Cool story, bro.

No one can get in. I hate everything that's coming out of this side. Me too. Not really the story, but your reaction to it. And I don't know. Yeah, you're going to look back on this and be like, why was I being like that? But look, so we go down.

This is going to be the last podcast that comes out. Goodbye, guys. This is the end. We can't get beers, man, so we're just drinking water. And it made me think of a story because we were like, hypothetically, what if there was just one person in there working, and they were just taking a shit, and they just hear people knocking on the door.

That's got to be the most stressful shit ever. Yeah, I've been there. And they're lucky that they can actually just like lock the door because that sense of security of locking the door even though people are knocking you know like everything's good because the door is locked you know i'm saying like you can sit in there all day the fucking door is locked have you left the register empty before 100 when i used to work at footer, they would have this thing where a key holder would work by themselves in the morning for two hours, right? Usually to, like, noon.

We'd open up at 10. At noon, your first coworker would come in. So from noon to 10, you're by yourself, right? Because it's usually extremely slow. Noon to 10? 10 to noon, my fault. 10 to noon. I was about to say. 10 to noon. So, like, i was about to say 10 to noon so like certain i

worked there for like for years right so certain days like over the years like like dude like i've had times where my stomach like hung over fucked up like still drunk stomach just on fire and me just having to say fuck it store's completely wide open I'm in the shitter in the back room, like, going fucking lightning speed. So, like, obviously, like, if someone comes in, like, that is the scariest thing to come around that corner and see someone standing at the register, and you've been in the bathroom taking a shit for the past two minutes. Extremely funny.

You think you ever got jacked? Oh, yeah. I've gotten jacked just, like, walking to the back room to get a shoe i had one person freaking it was so funny the camera footage i stepped to the back room to get a shoe this lady literally like i set the shoe on the ground behind the counter in the box like it's on the ground behind the counter like they would have to come around the counter grab it and like run off the way this lady came up came around the corner and sprinted and swiped the shoe and sprinted out the door dude it was so funny on camera bro like it was like track and field shit

like it was because our store was like really it was skinny and long so uh you would have really had to like dip and she picked that bitch up so fast and got the fuck on bro it was so funny but it's part of the game though you know i, too, so I can't be mad at him. You know. That's the true moral of the story. Did you like working, you know, at Foot Locker? Yeah, it was my first, like, second job for real. My cousin helped me get in there,

and I met some lifelong friends in there dude like honestly it was fucking it was one of the it didn't pay a lot but dude it was the best fucking time of my life hang on footlocker what didn't pay a lot no unless you're like a store manager in like a big big store awesome you got anything to add to that? Not really, man. But, like, you could. Like, you could. I mean, it depends on, like, what a lot of money is to you.

Like, I mean, because you make commission, too, right? $7.75 an hour. No, like, if you're, like, good money man, like, $800 every two weeks type shit, like, fuck yeah. Like, you're up. But. What's the worst job you've ever worked oh dude like describe worst like like worse as in like pay or just environment or like job duties environment job duty is just the worst it might be a tie between Renna Center and McDonald's. Renna Center?

I imagine that would suck. Dude, that shit was like a sitcom in there, bro. Working at Renna Center was fucking crazy. Anything you could think of, just the whole pay by the week thing or, like, pay every two weeks or, like, dude, like, it's so wild. My store manager, I fucking went with my store manager one time and the motherfucker broke in someone's house, broke in the customer's house. No one was there. He's banging on the thing. Two, two, two.

No one's there. He's like, man, fuck this shit. I'm opening the window. He's like, the window's open. I'm going through the window. I'm like, bro, I'm like, I'm opening the window. He's like, the window's open. I'm going through the window. I'm like, bro, I'm like, that's B&E? And you're about to do this to get a, like, we're about to take a couch off this bitch? Bro.

What the fuck? This is some shit only, I swear to God, only in Lansing, Michigan. Like, it should not have been that deep to this man. Like, who gives a shit if they don't get the couch back? My manager, we got that couch back. That was a big fucking deal. Was it his ass if you didn't get the couch back? No, I'm just saying the managers at Rent-A-Center have to be ruthless.

The reason why... They have to be any... They have to fucking do what it takes to get the job done. That's on the job posting. Bro, I've had employees have fucking weapons on them on deliveries and pickups. Give them the motherfucking couch. Not like that, but just because of the hostility

of the environment. But look though, my manager, I will say, not even my manager, rent-a-center managers are ride or fucking die like like because the more accounts that are past due right if you go and collect that item and get it back in your store

the accounts no longer like past due because you have the item now like that's better than just uh letting the account like you can't get a hold of the person if you can't get the tv back or if you can't get the michael kors purse back like they're just bro imagine renting a michael kors bro we're renting fucking everything bro michael kors purses tvs of course uh mattresses like fucking speakers bro that's. So, like, yeah, he was like, he's like, I'm breaking in this bitch. I'm like, bro, like, in my head, I'm like, this is not a good, like, you could get shot, bro. Like, someone has the rightful law to shoot you if you break in their fucking home, bro. Like, you're bugging. So, did you guys end up getting the couch?

It was like some Smokey and Deebo shit. Like, the motherfucker went through the window. He opened up the door. He let me in. I went in. You're creeping around. Oh, dude, it was so sketchy because there was a fucking gun holster on the counter, bro. I said, oh, my God.

It was empty? Yeah. He's like, oh, shit, where's the gun? If I walk into a house and there's an empty gun holster, I'm getting the fuck out of there if i'm trying to steal something i trusted this man we got the couch we got the fuck on but just imagine bro but just imagine coming home you're like all right beth long day like open the door i don't remember leaving that window no no no bro your fucking couch is gone bro like imagine this couch being gone. Bro, that reminds me.

I saw this video on TikTok of this repo man following this dude to Walmart or something. Is it the dude who does the baby sound on everyone? Yes. He does a little. This fucking piece of shit. Waits until the dude walks into Walmart. Hooks his car up while the car is being towed. He's like dancing on the hood. He's doing pushups and shit.

His ass is bending in the hood. Like, dude, there's permanent damage from that. And then he gets off the fucking piece of shit, hoists it up, and drives away. He's like, don't be a hater. I'm just doing what I got to do. It's like, no, you aren't. You're fucking being a piece of shit. He's flexing on TikTok doing pushups and dancing while he's rebounding no he said the motherfucker he'd be like they just went in to get wings and i'm out here

getting their fucking car it's so fucked that sucks dude dude but yeah you walk out of walmart with a bunch of groceries and shit it's like you got popsicles in one of the bags and it's like i guess i'm pushing this shit home. I guess those are melting. You know you just spent way too much at Walmart and you're like, fuck, dude, I'm hurting. I just spent a lot on groceries. We're eating in for the next month.

And then you come out and your car is gone. You gotta call an Uber with your last $20. That's tough. That's like nightmare fuel. To go back to the question, though, dude, I think Granite Center was the worst, man, just because of the environments we were put in.

Like, yeah, it was wild. Austin, what's your worst job? I mean, I haven't had too many, like, terrible jobs or really any terrible jobs, but I guess Jets Pizza. Working at a pizza place kind of just blows overall. Even like doing the busboy job wasn't even that terrible. But I had a really, really shitty manager because I worked at two different Jets locations because they were owned by the same guy. But one of the other store had like a different manager that ran that one and he was just an asshole dude like not even like really like mean to you like personally but just like he didn't give a shit

like I'm supposed to open the store with him on like Sunday morning and he's showing up like 30 minutes to an hour late every time and it was like fine because I like got paid for the time that I was there like he would like go back in and like put my hours in for the time that I was there. He would go back in and put my hours in for the time that I was waiting for him to show up to work. But the longer it took for him to show up, the longer I had to be there to prep for the rest of the day and shit. So I'm like, fuck this shit. I called my other boss.

I was like, bro, I am done working at this location. I'll keep working with you at your location, but this other guy can eat a dick and he was like yeah you're good just don't go back there dude pizza places really are the worst yeah it's ass just like grunt work a pizza place

I worked at Hungry Howies the 6-4am shifts were brutal dude the Superbowl at a pizza place is it's like you'll prep pizzas beforehand so like the super bowl is when a pizza place makes just like you know that's that sustains a pizza place for like six months so when we were prepping you guys just like prep out like a hundred pepperonis like a hundred hands we'll have the entire restaurant was covered with like pre-made pizzas. We get an order in, just throw the toppings on, throw it in the oven.

We probably made like, I don't know, 4,000, 5,000 pizzas on the Super Bowl. Jesus. I never worked a Super Bowl at the pizza place because I straight up told them. I was like, I'm not. Like, I'm not doing it. Like, I'm watching the Super Bowl and I'm staying home. And they're like, well, we can't lose you, so I guess that's fine. You'll have a screen full of orders, and it will be the one of one,

because usually it's just one screen. We had one of nine at one point. Like, nine full screens of pizzas just in a row, dude. It was in the weeds. I've never even like. Oh, yeah. When the pizzas are coming off the conveyor faster than you can fucking. Literally make the boxes. They're stacking up.

You have to start making boxes because you ran out. I wanted to talk about something similar about that with you guys. Just the other day, Jersey Mike's, through Keith Lee, I don't know if you guys know who Keith Lee is. You should. He's very popular on TikTok doing, like, food reviews. Like, he'll rate your restaurant. I'm not a big TikTok user.

But they gave Keith Lee a code. It was, like, for one hour, two days in a row, it was between, like, five and six, and you got, like, it was at Jersey Mike's. You know, that's kind of expensive it was like 20 don't quote me but it was like 20 20 off in order of 25 or more so it's like you're ordering 25 30 with the shit and getting 20 off you know i'm saying yeah so dude i don't know if they just just underestimated the power of this man Keith Lee or what, but there's so many videos because I was lucky enough to order one,

and I know a whole bunch of other people that tried to order it, and their order got canceled because they ordered it a little bit into the hour. And then the next day I saw these TikTok videos of Jersey Mike's employees with booklets of receipts just printing out. And they're like, we're not doing these. Like you were not doing these. And I just could not imagine I would quit that day. If I was working at a fast food place and there's like 50 door dashers in my lobby because this dude put out a code for like to get shit for dirt cheap.

Oh, my God. I would fucking quit. Dude, that would be my last day. I kind of got done. I worked in a restaurant through COVID, but we weren't a big DoorDash restaurant. Dude, I imagine the DoorDash part of working in a restaurant

now is just fucking horrible. Probably. You just have people coming up. You're not getting tipped for that. You're just serving people who are doing their job. It's just one of those things that you know progressively over the years these restaurants and like stores in general like walmart target like any place that does like an online pickup or like delivery they've over the years they've

added so many different departments and shit but you gotta think like even mcdonald's workers 10 years ago when he worked at mcdonald's he only had to think about just just handling the inside of the store right every so often you have to run a bag out to to someone who had to wait whatever but for the most part you're just dealing but now there's like you got to deal with door dashers you got to deal with the mcdelivery in the mcdonald's what's your code do you have the mobile orders like in the parking and but the pay the paying equivalent i mean like i mean mcdonald's is paying now they pay him off you know like 13 or whatever above but uh it's just crazy that you should just be able to work mcdonald's and just do like the bare minimum now you're doing a whole 10 tasks.

It's fucked. Another terrible job I've worked. Well, moving. I've worked for two moving companies. And moving in general just sucks as a job. Yeah. But during the early stages of the pandemic, I was still moving.

And we had to wear a mask. Oh, dude. I bet it was so hot. Bro, I made it like four or five moves and i just had to throw in the towel so i'm done like this i you call it 20 yeah dude i like 20 minutes in my mask was completely soaked and then it just sticks to your face like you can't breathe through like like you every time you breathe the mask is going like yeah that sounds just coming in and out of your mouth like i had to throw in the towel i couldn't do it anymore that shit sounds like fucking hell man i

also worked in a factory that was like the the environment wasn't so bad it was just the hours that were bad man it was 11 at night till 7 in the morning and the hardest part about that job was staying up like all the way till 11 and then going to work were you working like an assembly line or something i ran a machine like i wasn't on an assembly line i just i ran a semi-automatic machine and i remember just having to like some nights i'd have to hold on to my uh this like this little bar right here that i used to open the machine i just have to hang on to this bar or else I would nod out and like fall in fear of nodding out and falling over. Because I used to be at that bitch.

Like you'd think I was on drugs, bro. Motherfucker just in there just nodding. It was bad. I used to pray someone would come talk to me. I have a really bad habit of staying up all night and making drives early in the morning. If it's more than an hour, I'm nodding off at some point during that drive. And that's like the worst thing you can do. Like they say drowsy driving is like, you know, on par with drunk driving.

Like if not worse. It's worse. I ain't never nodded out. I ain't never drunk drive, but I don't condone that. But I'm saying I can't think of any time i've not at all drunk driving well i've never did that though um i think we're all convinced all right hell yeah um don't drink and drive no um i know yeah tire driving is the worst dude i've i've pulled over on the side of the highway and taken naps before.

And, like, I have. And it feels so good. You just want to keep sleeping, though. That's the problem. It just feels like you get a little warm, so then you fall asleep because it feels kind of cozy at first. Then you wake up and you're drenched. You're sitting in a puddle of sweat as your car's off.

Yeah, I definitely nod out on the way back from Michigan in Connor's car for sure. I'm snitching myself right now. Connor, there's a part in Ohio where you guys were all sleeping, and I just was like, oh, fuck. They didn't notice. All right, cool. Keep it pushing. Dude, it's the worst because you don't wake up until you almost kill yourself.

Right. You don't wake up until you hit someone almost or almost go off the road. You're like the most alert you'll ever be for the next eight minutes. And then you're right back. And your heartbeat slows down. Those eyelids start drooping. And it's the next life-threatening situation. Come on, bitch.

Open the window. You're sticking your head out the window trying to wake up. It doesn't do anything. One thing I've learned is that if I eat something or have some snack or chips or something while I'm driving, it helps me stay awake. It keeps me active, I guess. I don't know. My tip is turn the heat on. Even if it's in the summer.

Bro, you ain't going to sleep when you're sweating. At least I'm not. It sucks, but you got to do what you got to do. Walker, have you ever drove through Ohio? Yes. You have? To Michigan? No, not to Michigan.

From east to west or north to south? I flew into Cleveland and then drove to Pennsylvania. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, dude. I think Ohio. I've never been out west. I'm sure out west is very similar, if not worse. But, dude, Ohio is so fucking boring to drive through.

It's the part I'm always not out in. Ohio is more boring than drive. I drove through Kansas one time, and there was nothing. But it was almost fascinating how there was nothing. How flat it was. Yeah, it was just flat, wide open. There's one road, and there's wind turbines. It's cool shit, stuff there's, like, wind turbines. Yeah.

Just, like, cool shit. Like, stuff I've never seen before. Were you ever just, like, opening that pitch up? Oh, yeah. Like, you get a really empty section. It's like, all right, we're going 100. What was the speed limit, like, on that type of road? Probably 85.

Yeah, see, Ohio, the speed limit is, like, 45. And that's what sucks about Ohio. Ohio sucks to drive in. The route you take from North Carolina to go through, or even from Michigan to go anywhere, to drive through Ohio, it takes you on this fucking highway that's literally like a 55-mile-per-hour, like 50-mile-per-hour road. It is the worst. It is the worst.

The whole way. Dude, Utah is wild. Out in Utah, the speed limits are like 85 miles an hour. And you're driving through mountains. You're driving through the mountains at 85. You do not feel comfortable going the speed limit there. Yeah, the turns are so sharp. That's crazy.

I don't see how some vehicles stay on the road. I would love to get a nice car and go out driving there you know go drive on the autobahn that would be sick where's that at european yeah in germany you can drive like there's no speed limit you can drive as fast as you want really my cousin went out there and he had like you know he was with a couple co-workers and they bought like they had rented a nice bmw to take on the autobahn he said they were going maybe 200 miles an hour. Damn. Well, yeah, yeah, because I mean, like, I think it's like an eight-lane road.

Like, there's enough space. 200? Bro, he said people on the right were flying by them. Holy shit. Like, people, like, take supercars out there, and they'll go, like, you know, fucking fast as shit. How many cars, like, it might just because I've had go like, you know, fucking fast as shit. How many cars? Like, it might just because I've had like a hoopty my whole life, but is there that many cars that can go 200 miles per hour?

I mean, there are a lot. I mean, you're probably not going to take a beater on the fucking Autobahn. I know, but like, is there really a lot of like models of cars that can go 200? For sure. I mean, like, think about like a Corvette. A Corvette isn't even like that high end of a car. I it's a super nice car don't get me wrong but it's like any sports cars but it's like a it's like a hundred thousand dollar car yeah anything that's like 80 that can go over 200 for sure 80k and above is that's a somewhat of a sports car can go 200 for sure potentially

i mean like that's like you know germany's like the the car how fast are them hellcats go wait i bet they're going 200. Probably. Them fucking Trackhawks? 200. Maybe. Maybe not. Them Trackhawk Jeeps?

Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe it's a bigger car, but imagine that bitch going 200. That sounds terrifying. That does sound terrifying. Holy shit. What's like the fastest y'all have ever gone in a car? Oh, dude.

Probably like 110. The fastest i've ever driven is 125 i think i'm in like the 110s range i was in the mountains one time and it was there was like a two mile stretch just straight downhill open road and i was like jesus how could you not you know yeah i don't yeah i don't think i've ever gone any faster in a car than I have driven myself in a car. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I would not want to ride in a car. It doesn't matter how much I trust you. That speedometer hits 100. I'm getting weird. It's getting a little squirrely.

I once, listen to this shit. I once in Michigan, I floored it on a highway. It got up to like 100. And I took a picture, right, a quick little Snapchat of the speedometer and sent it to – Anything for the MySpace. And sent it off. And it wasn't that long ago.

And they responded. They're like, yo, this is like a major highway. They're like, yo, be careful. They're like, there's a cop at this intersection. And so I didn't get the message right who responded uh i think it was beth and marco oh like one of like a friend responded i thought you were saying like snapchat was looking out like snapchat's like yo we got tabs on the official highway snapchat was like hey watch out bro bro no listen and um so i i'm flying what then all of a sudden look i see i see a cop in the median right like way far because i'm looking i'm looking this whole time so i know i'm doing

something sketchy flooring it fucking i see the cop i instantly slam on my brakes i'm going like 100 i slam on my fucking brakes brakes to get back down to speed. I fucking pass the cop, right, going like probably like I got down to probably like 81 or some shit. I pass the cop. I see the motherfucker pull out behind me. I'm like, oh, no. I'm like, oh, no, dude. Like if he clocked me at that 100, like I'm fucked.

That's like losing your license. Oh, dude, I'm like reckless driving like shit i'm like oh god for sure he pulled he goes out he comes up to the car he's like do you know how fast you're going i was like oh my god oh my god oh my god i'm like please say like 80 something please say 80 something he's like i clocked you like it was like 82 or some shit he's like he just gave me a warning he's like man, man, just slow down, man. I was like, oh, my God. I was just going 100 and fucking slammed on the brakes. It was such a scary experience. I swear to God, I thought I was going to jail, bro. I thought I was going to jail.

I've never got pulled for speeding. Really? Somehow. I've gotten pulled three times for speeding and gotten tickets two of those times. That sucks. Warning the third time. I got fucking my last ticket was for uh the cop i was going like 17 over apparently the cop literally wrote me for 17 over i had to hire a lawyer long story short we got it uh like dropped or whatever

down to like five or like whatever it is the word i don't understand how that works but money and it was ended up being like 400 i had to pay like 400 but i got my 17 mile per hour down to like five where like it down to like improper equipment yeah yeah literally they changed it to improper equipment which i'm like that's wild i'm like if you just got some money and can hire a lawyer you can literally take your speeding ticket and change it to a totally different thing that wasn't even the reason why you got pulled over. Gotta love the justice system. It just scales, dude.

The richer you are, the more you can get away with. It's fucking wild, man. When I learned that shit, though. Based on your level of wealth, what's the biggest crime you think you could get away with? Not very big. No? I don't think damn near nothing nowadays unless they take credit

we're walking on thin ice if they take credit i got a little space left hey uh congratulations to aj on the uh the new career he has thrown off the shackles of blue collar work and he is entering the world of management yeah yep are you excited i just can't like all right dude i'm gonna flex on this we're not gonna say where i work at right but i lied on my resume right everyone we're aware of this i lied on my resume big time i hope to god like i don't your co-workers See the pot at some point And look And look

And I got the highest salary Like by a lot I've ever even thought about getting All just from lying on the resume I'm like that's It's wild Fucking wild It's like why would you not

I'm like why didn't I do this Fucking years ago I've been like Even being honest Like Salary transparency I've been like even being honest salary transparency i've been like the past like seven six years i've been anywhere from 40 to like 50 like for like that was my range for

like the past like seven years i lie on my resume boom like 64 god it's fire that's wild that's so stupid you know i'm so petty the uh the the uh the the top like uh the highest like that she said like it can go with 65 so i fucking nutted up and i was like yeah i want to submit a counter offer for 65 that's fire they accept no they're like no listen to this though they said they said the way we the way they do their salaries apparently is based on like how many years experience you have so i'm like if i would have just lied and put one more year i already got that 65 that's so fucked i'm like what the fuck these life dude i'm like i don't know they're gonna be a fucking oh yeah i'm happy i've heard crazy stories going to suck, but I'm happy to actually get some consistent fucking money. I've heard crazy stories of people just completely lying to get jobs, like wild shit, like just saying, like, you were the, like, wait.

So I've heard the story was basically, shit, what was the company? I don't know, some tech company, but the tech company. Oh, like Google or like. Yeah, I don't know some tech company but the tech company like google or like yes i don't know but no like the company went out of business and um so people would lie to get jobs other places like let's say it was like let's say are you talking about twitter no let's say twitter went out of business and you like didn't ever work for twitter but then you went to instagram and you're like yo i just lost my job at twitter um i was like the ceo or no you know whatever like a super high up

position at that at twitter they have no way of verifying because the company's gone like that you can just lie and i've heard people say like no one of the managers there right and get like get like high up jobs at other companies like other competing companies that's what your brother was saying though yeah twitter's hr department isn't even a real thing apparently anymore and people were like lying bad on like different job titles on twitter because there's no hr department to verify they actually work there. That's pretty sick. But it's just crazy how I'm about to do this so crazy now. Skip the actual job I just got. I'm about to take that offer letter that they gave me

and kind of try to swing that bitch around. Like, yo, I just got offered. These people are offering me this much. What's up? What the fuck? Can you all add a different? I'm about to take that offer letter and whore it out to all these different companies and try to bait and switch.

Because I got the offer letter with my name on it. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm about to take that bitch and, like, mass apply it. They're going to be like, bro, we never, we didn't ask. I'm about to, no, I don't care. If I get it, all it takes, I just got to get an interview. They're like, I work here. I work here, hire me, I don't care. If I get it, all it takes, I just got to get an interview. They're like, I work here. I work here.

Hire me. I got this offer letter. So you guys should pay me more than that. How about that? I'm saying like a like. I'm qualified for this, so you should pay me more. A likewise, you know, a likewise company. They better not look up AJ Allen.

Right. Nice. Nice. You say you mean nice? You say it every fucking time on the intro. You don't want people to know your last name? Your government's out there, buddy. It's fine. What do you mean it's fine?

You say it every time we do a podcast. It's in the description of every podcast. It's literally on all of our social media platforms. Don't remind me. It's fine. Oh, you don't want them to know the government government? Shalab. You guys want to know his real name? I don't. Oh, you don't want them to know the government government? Chill out. You guys want to know his real name?

I'm not the corporate, man. Chill out. What are you talking about? Chill out. Folk. Bro. We both got Gucci Man shirts on today. Can we talk about that?

We just happen to wear. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Talk. We have Gucci Man shirts on today. We just happen to wear these same day. It's odd. I copied you.

Burr. Yep. Burr indeed. Burr. Walker. Hey. How many of them beers you got for, right? Can we just talk about how the price of these IPAs?

It's not an IPA. What is it? It's a sour. It's more of like the absolute you know just the

what's the the elitism I don't know that's not the right word I'm looking for of like bottle shops who you know sell these four packs

of beer for 20 dollars it's like what are we doing 24.99 right it's bullshit. But, like, the people in there, it's just like a...

But you buy them. But I buy them. But he wouldn't have bought them if the fucking BP was open. You know what I'm saying? Like... I should, like, try to invoice them. Like, look. You gotta pay for my shit.

Based on his sympathy and walking distance... You guys gotta pay the difference. I was literally forced. You guys literally had me in a chokehold. I had to come in. Had to. I didn't want to, but you guys made me. It's fucked.

Welcome back to Talking Walk. Austin, I want to give my segment to you this week, so have fun. All right. So this is what I've got for you guys. There's this shit. There's this song from back in the middle school days and it's all about this dude's genitalia genitalia and i would like you guys to respond to a couple

of the lyrics from this song okay lyric the first two lines of the song go my dick cost a late night fee your dick got the hiv what are your thoughts on that? Bar. Bar? Okay. My dick plays on the double feature screen. Your dick went straight to DVD. That, I mean, this guy's got talent. I think that's a generational.

I'm going to give you guys two more lines. Is he talking about mine? I'm going to give you guys two more bars, and you guys give me your thoughts on them. My dick, bigger than a bridge. Your dick, look like a little kid's. Thoughts? He kind of lost me on that last one.

Okay. My dick, large like the Chargers. The whole team. Your shit look like you're 14. Still too far. I like that one better. Okay. The Chargers, the whole team.

Imagine an entire NFL football team's like... Inside your pants? Penises put together. I bet it'd be a lot of penis. That was my segment. Thanks for letting me take over the segment. Dude, you did a... I fucking...

Dude, snaps for Austin. Thanks, bros. Thanks, bros. Fuck yeah. So, I want to talk about... You know, I've been getting back in the Bumble scene recently. And there's a prompt going around that talks about. That's like a dating app. Yeah, that's a dating app.

There's a prompt going around that talks about red flags and green flags. And I think that's played out. So I want to talk today about yellow flags. Something that's not really, you know, that big of an indicator of something bad. It's not really like that bad to do, but it's definitely weird. It's just like something that's like, ah. AJ? Ah.

I want to start with you. What's a yellow flag that you have about yourself? Before I go to bed, I always throw my shirt off, take my shirt off and like take my shorts off and just leave them on the ground right next to my bed and then usually put them back on in the morning for like the first like hour or so before i take a shower but like just the fact of like i'm leaving them on the ground right there when i could just i could hang them up or i could like put them in the dirty clothes and not re-rock them. Like I think that's one.

So you put them on the floor and then wear them again in the morning? Just for like an hour or so. Until you're like ready to shower and all that? Yeah, like just like they're just like comfy because in the morning it's cold, the house is freezing and I can't walk around like just like I got to put clothes back on. That's a weird yellow flag, but I like it. Boston? A yellow flag for myself? Yes.

A yellow flag for myself? In the morning? I think the reason that I shower in the morning, as soon as I wake up, is because I look forward to peeing in the shower. No. So you prioritize, so you like morning showers overnight because you like that. It's not even that I like it.

Well, A, I like taking the shower in the morning regardless, but I think it's like the first thing I do because I have to piss when I wake up and I want to pee in the shower. Okay, I think that's, yeah, that's an interesting yellow flag. Am I teetering on red? No. I wouldn't say.

You're orange. That's definitely an orange, though. That is orange. You're half and half. Dude, I like peeing in the shower. It's a vibe. Son of a bitch. Wow.

You shower in my house all the time. Yeah, I've definitely, I've pissed in every shower I've ever stepped foot in. Every time and every one. Okay, I actually have a red flag about Austin. Oh, God. He's never washed the floor, though, not once in his showers. I piss down the drain.

If I respect the shower, I respect ours. Walker's feet have to be in there. Walker's going to be scrubbing the shower. Have you ever pissed on one of your girlfriends in the shower oh for sure that's that's like i've like pissed on her feet absolutely not brah i mean like never pee in the shower with my girlfriends in there hell no i'm holding it in oh yeah if i if she. You're peeing on her feet? Not on purpose. Bro, listen to this.

What? Say I am peeing in the shower. She's like, let me get in. I'm getting in. I'm clenching. I'm stopping. What are you scared of? And then I'm letting it go slowly.

I don't want to like... I'm not really scared of anything, but I don't want to pee like right in front of her or on her. Well, I'm not trying to pee on her. What the... I don't... How are you peeing on her feet? Are I'm not trying to pee on her. What the fuck? How are you peeing on her feet? Are you guys, are she in the front and you're in the back and you're pissing between her legs? Well, she potentially just got in my way. Oh, my God.

Okay, let's move on. I got one. Let's move on. I got one. What if she liked it? That's none of your business. What if she asked me to do it? Okay.

That's the shit you're in, and I don't think we're on the same vibe. I don't understand what the problem is. Here's my yellow flag. Sorry, I get too real with this. My yellow flag is I will procrastinate things and then just

stay up all night and do them at 3 in the morning instead of just doing them at a normal time. That was one of my New Year's resolutions was like to just get it done. If it takes under a minute, just do it. Alright.

Do y'all have any yellow flags about each other? I have a yellow flag about AJ. I don't know. He Oh shit uh he will when he goes to the gas station and there's no real reason that he does this because i've asked him about it he won't fill up the tank all the way and i'm like bro i i know you can afford to fill up your tank and you're just gonna have to come back sooner he's like bro it's just something about when the number just

gets a little too high i don't like it yeah man like there's something about like 12 bucks and fucking deal with it tomorrow that's irritating oh my goodness um austin my yellow flag about you would be you there are certain things in your life that you just have a complete disregard for. And one of those things is your car. I wouldn't say that I have a complete disregard for it. Austin does not treat his car very well. I have not treated my car very well. But I don't actively treat it poorly.

Yeah, he doesn't walk up and kick it, but there's a door handle missing, like, a door handle missing and, you know, none of the windows work. Well, that's not my fault, and that's not my fault. Oh, dude. None of those things are my fault. Speaking of Austin's car. I didn't say it was. We went for a ride in his car the other day, yesterday, and it was hot. It was, like, 90 out.

Dude, so, like, I haven't, like, okay, like, on, like, the whole, like, the air vents and shit, you know how you can scroll that thing over to turn them on and off? I haven't did that in probably 10 years. Why would I ever do that? You just face the vent the other way before I turn the vent completely off. Anyways, we're in his car. I'm like, bro, it's hot. He's like, the air's on, buddy. It'll kick on eventually.

We're like, I'll say we're two miles down the road. I'm like, I already know. I asked before I touched the window, does this window roll down? Because I don't want to put it down and it won't go back up or like something. I know there's something wrong with it. I'm like, he's like, yeah, it works. I'm like, it's not working. All right, no problem, no problem.

I was like, yeah, don't touch it. If it's not working, press it again. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Like, it might not working. All right, no problem. No problem. I was like, yeah, don't touch it. If it's not working, press it again. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. It might get stuck. Do not touch it. So, like, dude. Somebody's here.

Might be Zach. Go ahead. Keep telling your story. So, I'm like, bro, fucking, I almost put it this way. I almost overheated in fucking Austin's car, bro.

It was bad. Really? It was bad. And then on the way back, same thing. Zachary bad it was bad and then on the way back same thing it was bad as fuck and the window rolled down so i was like son of a and he's like bro your vent's not even on he cut the vent on and it started blowing air i was like oh my god that wire just wasn't working for that go around i guess around on the start i guess man i think i got uh one about austin uh Austin one of Austin's yellow flags

is that he gets hung over for like I give him like he gets hung over for like four days like bruh like

I could see I think I think the hangover is proportional to the amount of partying though nah I don't know

I think so I don't know one of my one of my yellow flags about AJ besides him saying finna that's a swipe left buddy AJ

talks about being bald way too much for not shaving his head every single day. That's my yellow flag for you. Because I wear a hat and I can get away with it. I know, but I feel like you shouldn't be able to talk about it if you're wearing a hat. Another one about me is

I brush my teeth in the shower. That's definitely a yellow flag. It's just efficiency. I take my pants off before I take my shirt off when I'm undressing. That's weird. Yeah, that's a bit of a yellow flag.

Walker, my yellow flag for you is your obsession with the plants and the birds right now. And not because I have a problem with it or anything like that. It's just I'm worried about you. I don't know how far this is going to go, and I don't want it to get out of control. I got so many bird feeders. Dude, Walker will come home with a new plant or a new bird feeder on a daily basis. And that's not – or, like, he'll be buying new pots for his plants. Like, it's a full-on hobby. It's a – yeah.

It's getting out of control. I just dive into things for, like, months at a time. You have almost every item in any outdoor center area. If we're talking Lowe's, anywhere that has an outdoor center, Walker has rummaged through these places and found the best deals, the best plants. He's ran through that clearance rack. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, buddy. I already know how you get down. You are like a fucking mom in Target. You Target You gotta go find the hidden gems you know I'm like a mom in TJ Maxx There you go Yeah you're like any girl in TJ Maxx When you're in a garden center Or like outdoor center

Austin literally the other day Austin was like I'm literally worried for Walker Like he's like I know This is like it's probably just just a thing. It'll last for a little bit, but then he's going to have too many and it might become overwhelming. Then some of them are just going to die. Then there's just going to be plants

everywhere. It's going to be a graveyard. AJ, I have another yellow flag about you. You're an only child. That is a yellow flag for sure. Only children are fucking weird because they don't have siblings there to bully them into being normal. Oh, shit.

I just had a role with that. I always had my cat. There's nothing super wrong with that, but only child is definitely a little weird. I've had my cat and my skateboard and my basketball my whole life. Or orange flag. It's all you need. He does have a fucking fiance. I guess he's doing all right. Yeah, flag. That's all you need. That's all you need. He does have a fucking fiance.

I guess he's doing all right. Yeah, dude. I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. Shit. All right, boys. You guys got anything else to say? I think we had another good little podcast here.

This is the... Shout out Zach Lane. Yeah, my brother walked through. You get to hear it in person. What you got over there? A quarter pounder with cheese meal? Dessert. He said dessert.

The double quarter. Dude, if you're ordering it, that's a fucking yellow flag. Double quarter pounder meal. The double quarter pounder alone is just the amount of grease that if you squeezed it, the amount of grease that like you squeezed it the amount of grease that drips off in the little box you can see it there the flavor comes from

but i'm saying oh i get weirded out off the quarter pounder really quick when i see that grease come down and like saturate the box i get like weird like healthy like weird about i'm like oh that's going in me i'm like i think of it like yeah only when it's only in the burger that's going in me. I'm like, I think of it like. Yeah, only when it's only in the burger, that's when it's okay. But I'm like, you're not even allowed to put this down the drain. If I had a lot of it. If I had a lot of it. I have to eat this. I can't even put this down the drain. It's fucking hilarious.

I'm literally blacking out eating it, and it's so good. I'm literally dipping the fries in the grease puddle. That is criminal. Yeah, there's something wrong with you. On that note, we're done. I'm literally dipping the fries in the grease puddle. I'm the fucking... That is criminal. Yeah, there's something wrong with you. All right, on that note, we're done. AJ is a criminal. AJ, that's fucked up.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Always Laugh Podcast. My name's Austin Lane. Oh, shit. My name is AJ. Dip your fry in your quarter pound of grease. Jesus. My name's Walker. AJ's the type of guy to eat like all the fat on the steak first.

We out. Love you people. Jesus.