Always Laugh Podcast - Pod #34 - Aj Saves a Life, Walker has Poisonous House Plants, Austin Won't Wear Designer

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

This episode we talk about Aj saving a life at work, Walker almost poisoning Austin, and Austin hating designer clothing. hts. Hosted By: Austin Lane (@austinlane_fit), AJ Allen (@ajnotalex), and Walker Smith Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYNegdIXrzsdQxLPjeWsKww Follow us on all socials @alwayslaughpodcast

welcome back to the always laugh podcast my name's austin lane my name's aj this is the number one podcast you've never heard of let's get it my name is walker no more slurs guys i got you smith if you ain't laughing you ain't living boys boys how we doing how we living i'm okay you're decent what can make you better Right now like If you could have anything in the world What would What would truly bring you The happiness that you've been yearning for

Wine Where I didn't pull the cork halfway out And then dig it fucking out And then Just have to Admit defeat and push it in So you have a full bottle of wine in front of you You have a glass in your hand

I would say just go ahead and down your glass and fucking tap into the bottle. That'll probably make your bad feelings turn to good. Your bad hands are shaking. Your bad feelings will turn into good feelings in my experience. That's the only thing keeping you down? Life must be damn good. You're borrowing happiness from the next day.

I'm trying to keep it light, you know? That's Future Walker's problem. AJ. Yes. How you doing? I want to talk about how I think that was a good analogy. I think analogy is the word, I think. When you can't get that cork out and you accept defeat and just push it in

and then just to get what you want, right? I don't think it was an analogy, but keep going. Maybe he's creating an analogy. I think that's like some wisdom-ass shit. If you can't pull the cork out, just push it in deeper. Push it in deeper and deal with the consequences of not proper planning. It's like

the fourth bottle of wine I've done this on. I go to the store every day and drop $100. At least. Buy a corkscrew, you fuck. Guys, we gotta cut down on the F-words. I know, it's me.

It's too much, and it's me heavy. No more F-A-G-G. No more of that, okay? Oh, that F word? Yeah. Oh. I know that's like AJ's favorite word behind the scenes, and it's kind of slipping over. Dude. Only in middle school.

Walker, don't forget to start the timer. Only in middle school. Let me catch up real quick. Yeah, dude. I don't want to do this all day. Yeah. I need 45, and I'm out. So you guys have a big fight coming up, eh?

Yep, yep. So, Walker, from this point forward, we've agreed that I'm in AJ's corner for this fight. Yeah. Besides our sparring matches. Yeah, but I'll spar with Walker for his training purposes. And I'll spar with you, obviously. I'm training you.

I'm in your corner, whatever. But I can't play both sides at all. Like, I'm completely on AJ's side, really, when it comes down to it. You know? I'm in his corner. No, I don't know. That's the way it has to go. It's going to crush me emotionally. You agreed that I should be in his corner.

Yeah. He needs you. AJ needs you and probably a lot of steroids in order to get this done. Who's in your fucking soft ass corner? Who's in my soft ass corner? I've got the fucking legend. Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee.

Mrs. Cara Sokotar. Oh, fuck. Satoskar. No, hold on. Hold on. Sorry about that. She's not going to hear this. You got Cara in your corner?

I'm fucked. You're fucked. You're not better than Kara. That 5'2", 94-pound girl is going to teach me how to beat your fucking ass. She's going to look you dead in the eyes. Walker, I can't clean. Walker asked me if I would be his, what did you call it? Cut?

Cut man. Cut man. I can't be it. I want you to come slather me up and i can't because i gotta be i gotta be there with the stool for him i can't do it for you at least be aj's cut man yeah of course oh yes dude i'm in his corner sealing my cut yeah i'm gonna have the ice pack on his back the bucket for him to spit in everything he's gonna be rubbed i want to be a professional fighter just so like i can have people take care of me like that.

Right. Like you're just babied. I just have a group of like big, big men, you know. Every time I see a fighter in their corner and they're like coaches and shit are talking to them and they're doing all the cut stuff. I just think like the fighters have to be thinking, stop fucking touching me and talking to me. Like it has to be so irritating after you just got your ass beat to be like everybody just in your face like that has to be trash dude i can imagine like right after they get knocked out and they go over the corners and they just have that blank look in their eyes it's just you know like after like a flash bang goes off just that sound and just people talking

at you oh yeah i got i got something though I met a guy at work That is from The Bronx Right From the Bronx New York Yeah He's Italian I-talian

Italian He's a fucking He's Italian From what he says And I can hear it in his voice He's an ex-mob He's mobbed From any

Any used to box He's mobbed up I'm about to hit him up And say Hey how you doing I don't know But I'm gonna say Dude I got a fucking

I got a boxing match I need fucking You trying to come I'm about to invite This dude to my fucking Oh so you don't You don't want him And you don't want me

In your corner No we both You're gonna have some Greaseball Italian Just fucking Stinking up your living room. This dude is the real deal, baby. Literally sweating out dairy products.

Nah, this dude, real deal. Hey, awesome. Yes. Did you ever feel like nothing good was ever going to happen to you? Did I ever feel like? No. But, I mean, no. I mean, yes.

And nothing ever did. What's it to you? We kind of backdoored our way into that one, but I like the effort. Nothing did. So what? Oh, dude. The Sopranos. You ever seen The Sopranos?

No. I'm on season one right now. It is so good. What fucking channel is that on? HBO. What's the most money you guys have ever made in a day? $42 million. AJ?

Shit, about $1,500 when Bank of America fucked up and sent that refund check. You're committing. You better not talk about it on the podcast. They're going to come for your ass. Fuck them. Talk about it.

What? I'm a scam guy, bro. Yeah, bro. AJ got a check in the mail for $1,500. Am I free to talk about it or no? Sure. I don't... Sure.

No, no, no. Fucking, they're the ones who sent it, bro. All I did was check the mail, bro. Just know Bank of America fucked up. They're down $1,500. Does it count as making... Fuck it. That was a stupid question.

What's the most money you lost in a day? Lost or spent? Both. Either. Whatever the larger number is. Probably $4,000. $4,000 spent or $4,000 lost? Both.

Whoa. That just led me to something. If you lose money at the casino, is that money spent or money lost? That's money spent. No, money spent doesn't count because, like, you know, you could have bought a house, a car. Like, that shit's whack. Like, how much money have you lost? I don't know if that's a good question either.

Never mind. Yeah, I think you're reaching. All right. Fuck you, A.J. You think you're reaching. Come up with something. Say something good right now. Gosh, I'm about to beat this shit out of Walker.

Why? When? Oh, for our match? Yeah. When? Why? When? When the pot ends.

Come on, man. I thought we were on a good streak. Dude, so you had to go let dogs out, right? What kind of, like, what are you, a dog sitter? Yeah, I guess so. Are you on that app? What is that app called again?. Are you on that app? What is that app called again?

Who cares about that damn app? I have a question for you guys. Are they paying us to promote them? Then we don't care because that's all we care about is the money, right, guys? We're so money-driven and motivated. It's the Satos Cars, sir. Satos Cars. How?

What? Who cares? Yeah, it's two fucking old ass dogs and one has this fucking chest like you wouldn't believe it's got like you know because like old dogs i guess just get tumors you know yeah standard it's part for the course big ass fucking tumor it's like this she's just walking around like uh one of those lunch ladies swinging their asses around that's what like the tumor looks like the fucking the fucking manager keys just bouncing off the side of her hip i had this i had this third grade teacher i'm not gonna say her name because i know she's gonna see the podcast one day and i don't want to out her like that

but her ass each each cheek you know like you ever seen like those like what is it called a yoga ball where it's like this fucking that's what it's called right a yoga ball yeah each ass cheek was that big she had to bent she was constantly walking at a 45 degree angle because her ass was so big that her she was just linked forward the entire time she was one of those she has to work to stand up straight it was wild she said it's said, it's going to take two men and a truck to get me out of this chair. I said, yeah, sweetheart, it is. She said that? Yes.

Okay, the reference is wild. Two men and a truck. The company. I thought every woman after 45 just had a really big vagina when I was in elementary school. Because most of my elementary school teachers were bigger women. And it's pretty vogue to tuck the fupa down in your pants. And so I was like, oh my god. I guess that's what having kids does or something.

This is America. Everyone has a fupa. Dude, that's what having kids does or something. This is America. Everyone has a fupa. Dude, that's so sick. If you could, like, tie a belt or... Shut up. Have you seen that? No. That's like a dude.

That's like a guy. Well, that's a guy thing, though. I'm big on comfortability. Okay. I'm big on comfortability okay i'm big on comfortability and um i don't understand how like they pull the pants over that thing and it's just down here how is that like what does that feel like it probably feels like i'll be ready to curl up in the corner and die if my belt like ain't sitting straight or if my pants feel the slightest bit weird.

I get weird about that. I think you just have problems. I'm going to shoot you guys straight. I don't know what the fuck we're talking about right now. We're talking about fupas and shit. What do you want to talk about? I want to talk about the way you tie your shoes. How do you tie your shoes?

Normally. Do you loop it and swoop it and pull, or do you hit the bunny ears? I loop it and swoop it, I guess. I've never heard that. How do you do that? Literally neither. I didn't know there were... You loop, swoop, and pull, or two bunny ears and...

No, you're going to be pissed when you see this. I didn't ask to see it, but anyway. That's the only way I can explain it. It's the only way I can explain it. That is not a shoot. That is literally how they come in the Foot Locker. He worked at Foot Locker for too long. Bro, that's how they come out of the box.

AJ went to the hype-y school of tying shoes where you just don't tie it. It's just loosely, like, garbled together at the top. Oh, dude, it's a fucking, you grab it, twist it around. When's the last time a shoe was tight on your feet? Never. Unless I was running. If I was going for a run, sure. Okay, so you guys, if you were gonna

tie your shoes and make them two bunny ears like that, like normal shit, how do you do it? Do you loop it and swoop it and pull? Or do you do two bunny ears and tie them? Loop, swoop, and pull. The two bunny ears are fucking

idiots. I do the two bunny ears and i always have it uh the show caillou you know caillou bald head little white kid yeah yeah you're triggering some ptsd in my life but yeah why dude caillou i they used to like clown me with Caillou. Did you have your head shaved? Yes. Okay, then you were 100% Caillou. Caillou, Dewey, Dumbo. And the Dewey thing was fucked because I look exactly like him. When I was a kid, I looked exactly like that motherfucker. Like dimples and all. But that's fire.

Dewey's a fired kid. He looked like a clown, bro. On Malcolm in the Middle. He just had big ears. He was the guy everyone shits on for being ugly. He looked like a clown, bro. On Malcolm in the Middle, he was the guy everyone shits on for being ugly. He's not ugly. You're right. He was sexy. Too far. Have you seen a bow?

No. He looks not that good. He's a childhood actor. I hope you're doing well. I wonder how they're doing. I wonder about how a lot of these childhood actors are doing. They're not doing too well, usually. AJ, you look fried. I'm literally fine.

Are you sleeping right now? No, I'm good. I'm just curious about what happens to the fucking dungeon, or the smoke layer. Yeah, the dragon's layer, I like to call it. I knew you had a name for it. It was just like a wisp curling smoke out of the door. You walk in there, this motherfucker's carpet shag rug

fucking tickles your fucking shin. It's so fucking long. It fucking tickles your shin. You walk in. There's fucking, you have to like fucking dodge and weave plants and shit. There's fucking plants hanging off and shit. Do you ever just lay on it and feel it? Just grip it?

No. I mean, when I'm a mushroom sometimes. This motherfucker got a fucking. Bro, I have like a, a I've really I'm deranged I have a grow operation in my bedroom it's just house plants it's not even any weed or something cool

I've like mounted grow lights to my wall that's like over my calathea and like spring palm and shit like that I walked by your window i walked by a serious problem i walked by your window in like i got like off the corner of my eye i seen like a different colored light i said this motherfucker got a motherfucking uh what's it fucking science lab

a sandwich a motherfucking chemistry experiment And shit Chemistry yeah that's chemistry I'm talking about his bio labs and shit in there I don't know what the fuck is going on I'm doing some serious testing I saw blue lights and I saw Fucking thermostats and shit

What's the most poisonous house plant I can eat Without dying That bitch What's the most poisonous house plant I can eat without dying? That bitch. Are there poisonous things in... Walker, what the... Almost all these plants are toxic to humans. Are you shitting me? No.

You're filling our home with toxins? Yeah, that's why I'm so worried about getting a cat or something. That cat's going to die immediately if it eats one leaf. Did you not think it was slightly important to tell your roommate that he shouldn't eat any of the plants or he might die? You didn't think that might be smart? I covered the important ones. What the fuck are you talking about? You covered them. I didn't cover anything.

No. You know I'm not that smart i might fucking i keep the fridge stocked for you all right you shouldn't have to worry about it our refrigerator is empty pull up a picture bing right there nothing in there pull up a picture right now yeah oh shit is it full yeah damn itucker went grocery shopping. Yeah, bro. I spent $170 at a hair steeder. God damn. I got four cartons of eggs and that was it. But dead ass, these plants are mostly poisonous.

Yes. So, okay. Let's talk about your fucking spending habits, dog. Talk about what? Talk about what? I want to be like walker that motherfucker spins bro i'll tell you one thing you ain't scared to swipe oh no i put myself in a disgusting amount of credit card debt oh i was gonna say i don't think you're swiping credit not to be in your pockets

aren't you swiping debit little debbie hell no like you're one of us getting status is like oh i'm just obsessed with the miles now so i it's all for the miles everything is on my i haven't used my debit card in months oh you want to hear some fucked up shit so i'm trying to get my life back on track and start using my debit card yeah since he started hanging out with me he has some work to do to get back on track dude i fell off the debit grind bad. I tried to use it today for literally the first time. Hands it over to the dude at the cookout window. Okay, no, listen to this.

Decline! Yeah, declined. So, all right, I hand him my American Express card, which is like what I use to pay for everything. Hand him the Amex. He hands it back to me. He's like, hey, we don't take Amex. I'm like, what? At McDonald's?

Cookout. Oh, Cookout. I'm like, that's odd. There's no way they don't take Amex. I go to Cookout in every county, every city. I go to Cookout everywhere and use Amex. So he hands it back. We don't take Amex.

I'm like, at this point, I'm like, fuck. I just replaced all my credit cards with debit cards in my wall because I'm trying to do better. So I'm like, all right, bet. I guess it's meant to be. I got to pay for debit. That's what I get for trying to pay credit. Hand him my fucking debit card.

Declined. I'm like, did I not activate the bitch? Apparently not because it didn't go through, and I had legit money in there. He was playing a guessing game. Which one won't decline? Literally, I was like, they're not not activated why would i activate fucking debit cards don't need them bro i just i just had to get my debit card replaced because the the tap the tap thing you know like the tap to pay or whatever doesn't work on my card the chip broke the only

way it works is if you swipe it so every time time I would use my damn debit, because like AJ said, I'm trying to do better. Not swipe credit all the time. I've been looking stupid at the cash register trying to swipe my debit card. So I finally had to get it replaced. Well, it's really coming to a head, boys. Americans have added $1 trillion of credit card debt so far in 2023. This is America. Before that, we had $1 trillion credit card debt total.

That's fucking heat. I've contributed. You've contributed. You've contributed. Heavy. I don't see... Okay, this is going to be a super controversial thing, and it's going to sound very uninformed, uneducated, whatever.

I don't see how using a shit ton of credit is going to fuck me over in the long run. You know? Like, as long as I can handle the credit that I have and pay what I need to pay, then, like, my credit score is fire. The interest. Well, yeah, of course, the interest is going to bite me in the ass. But, like, as long as I still make the payments, then i not solid like why the fuck does it matter like what's the difference between 10k and credit card debt and 100k well i mean i think i think the problem comes in like when you

have the unexpected expense you know like you break your leg or some shit like that and you got like medical bills and now it's like medical bills oh never never pay medical bills yeah that's something no no no, that's something. No, no, no, no, no. That's something I will stand on this, me and my neighbor. They put a tax on beer, and the beer cost goes up significantly. Well, I'll stop drinking. For the bit, goddammit. Well, that was part of it.

I was creating a new bit. I thought you were going to be like. We're living in a fantasy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're never going to stop drinking, asshole um what were we talking about no idea but you know what we should be talking about i have no ideas on that uh either so aj tell us stories about work fuck dude literally yesterday for 30 seconds go pet smart let's just fucking talk about it yeah so fucking pet smart dude i feel like this is the dumbest podcast we've ever done it's so funny

it's like we're just jumping from thing to thing with no direction i love it i think everyone ain't like that something okay so i walk so like my I am all over. I'm worrying about a hundred different things at the same time. My eyes are consistently scanning, just scanning my little area. So I'm walking back, like, casually because I ask everyone if they're good, like, a hundred times a day. I'm like, you good? Yep. You good?

Yep. You good? Yep. You all right? Yep. That's's just me that's me checking in like i do that with everyone at least 10 times a shift like i'll make my rounds hell yeah so i'm casually this girl name like hey you good she's like oh uh i'm gonna call this uh lady susan susan yeah we're gonna say susan she's like uh denisha miss miss susan uh i'm like why are you on the register she's like oh miss susan says she was about to pass out i'm like you said

pat where where's she at this is an older lady talking about 70 plus so like a pass out might be her last pass out like That's a broken hip 100. It might not. She might not clock back in. She might not pass back in. She might not clock back in. 71's not bad. But if you're 70 and working a month, you're not in good shape.

Oh, fuck. Petsmart. At Petsmart, we don't have to bleep that. But, so, they're like, Miss Susan is about to pass out. I'm like, all right, fuck. Where is she at? She's sitting behind the desk in public, right? There's people staring at her.

She's just sitting there just like shaking bad. She's like, I'm like, Miss Susan, Miss Susan, you good? Let me get you a water. Let me get you a water. She's shaking. I'm like, I'm going in like fight or flight mode. I'm like, dude, this is a old lady like this is someone's grandma like about to fall out she was having a diabetic moment or something on my clock dude i get her a water she's drinking

the water the water's brand new you know brand new water is like up to the lid damn near water just spilling and she's trying to drink it it's bad so i'm like fuck dude i gotta get her out of like public view so i i generously think of her as my grandma and what i would want someone else to do if my grandma was all fucked up at work working in general i throw my arm out grab on miss susan we walk in 10 steps to the cash office. Hell yeah. Grab on. She grabs on.

We slowly, casually make it to the cash office. We sit down. I throw the fans on her. Gross. Because the cash office is already a little hot, but I'm like, I'm going to put these fans on you. I'm going to put these fans on you. You're going to sit down, collect yourself, drink your water.

You're good. The fans marinate on you. So then while she's in there, I'm like, Miss Susan. In my head, I'm like, I need an adult in here. I'm like, I am not adult enough for this situation. I'm like, I am not. 29, kid on the way. Dude, I have no idea what to do.

We need an adult stat. Can someone tell me what to do, please? No, literally, no, because I'm like. I don't have time to watch a TikTok video about this. I mean, like, no, like, I know, like, obviously, like, I'm 29, but, like, I'm still, like, new in my role. And, like, I know, obviously, like, it doesn't matter how long I've been in the role to help somebody, like, in this situation. There's no training on it. Yeah, it's still real life. still real life but like i'm like i don't know the policy i'm like i don't what do i fucking do so i'm like so i'm like i don't want to get fired i'm like miss susan take your

time i'm gonna go get help like i'm gonna go get help i'm like i'm gonna go get help i'm gonna go find someone competent no no i was like i need a woman i need a woman like a 30 to 40 year old woman that's gonna mediate this right because like i'm not prepared i'm not old enough dog what kind of woman i'm not old enough a 35 to 40 year old woman so let's i go get one i'm like hey i'm gonna i go find me one yeah there's one i saw, you. You fit the bill. Come on. It was another call. Can I see your ID? I'm going to call her.

I'm going to call her. I think you're like 40, 41, but I got to make sure. I'm going to call her Special K or some shit. Special K. What the fuck? All right. So you find Special K. I go get Special K because she is special. So I'm like, hey, like, Miss Susan was fought to pass out.

She's shaking. I got the fans on her. I gave her water. I just, I need someone in on this with me. Like, I need someone in on this with me. I don't feel like I should be alone in this situation. I need a witness, like, to this in case, like, the unthinkable or something happens. We got to call 911 or some shit.

So, look. So, we walk in. Miss Susan's sitting there still shaking. And then Special K's like, hi, are you okay? Like, you know, and, like, woman to woman. So all of a sudden, like, within 30 seconds, Miss Susan's like, I'm about to throw up. I'm like, oh, we're in, like, a fucking 8x8 room.

An 8x8 room. I'm panicking trying to find a trash can there's no trash can in there i bust the door open fucking go get a trash can i grabbed a trash can and now like i as i'm going back in a special k held the door open for because it locks every time it shuts she held it open for me and as i walked back in i slid it like a fucking hockey puck on the rink i boom i fucking like threw it and i was about that far and she's fucking vomiting i threw it so and dude she didn't get none on the floor thing or no she got a little little spill on the floor but dude it was so fucking gross bro i was like i was like i'm sorry like she kept apologizing it was so fucking gross

she just kept yakking and i'm like special k i swear to god she was not like i'm sorry to bring you in on this but like i did not know that she was gonna do this like thank god you are here right now because i would not be so like that's wild we had to call like fucking four of her emergency contacts none of them answered we had to wait for a call back fucking four of her emergency contacts. None of them answered. We had to wait for a call back. We kept asking her if we should call 911. Like she's just like shaking and puking. I'm like, God damn. So what'd you guys end up doing?

Her husband came after like seven phone calls. That's wild. I feel like that is scary when somebody's older. Dude, we had to go in her phone because she couldn't hold her hand still enough to hit the contact. She had low blood sugar for sure. Bro, yeah, and come to find out, she's on some new medication or some shit. She ain't ate. The doctor done prescribed her some new shit.

Damn near had her falling out at work, dog. On my clock. How do you handle that? Damn. Yeah. I don't know, bro. AJ just had some real life. Just make sure she's not stealing shit.

Man. She ain't going to be back until Tuesday, so. She has some time to rest. That's good. We'll have her on an eight-hour shift. That's a wild story, honestly. Get her back on her feet. I bet your heart was beating.

You're like, shit. I mean, it was beating, but also I was just like, bro, my life is a fucking movie. I'm like, this lady just yacked like inches from my hand and i just slitter the trash can on some hero shit on some hero because there would have been shit at walker you look like you want to say something what you got say i got some stuff say what you oh yeah they also think i'm too they don't know what to call me they're like multiple people in there girls have like sound like we're not calling you we're not calling you aj that's like a kid's name i'm like that's my fucking name it's not a kid i don't think that's a not true name hence why i needed

an adult but i'm like i'm like it's not my fucking name like or i mean that is my fucking name what do you mean you ain't gonna call me aj i'm like fucking don't call me fucking boss i'm like that's not my fucking name. Like, or I mean, that is my fucking name. What do you mean you ain't gonna call me AJ? I'm like, fucking, don't call me fucking boss. I'm like, that's even weirder. Hey, boss. But I call people, like, casual conversation boss. Not the actual boss. Right. I had a really bad thing where I would do a little code switching whenever I bought weed.

And, like, I'd hit it with the AAVE and I'd always be like hey what's up boss Walker you still do that no yeah you do what is the AAVE I saw you nevermind I'm not gonna call you out on the podcast what is the AAVE

it's how you speak in every sentence it's African American Vernacular English What is the AAVE? It's how you speak in every sentence. It's African American Vernacular English. Oh, I didn't know the abbreviation. I've heard of that before. I just... So, yeah, I took, like, the last three days off work. I just, like, straight up, like, lied to my boss. He was like, oh, you got, like, vacation plans?

And I was like, oh, yeah, I got a hotel to have a beach. So many plans, bro. And I've just been a fucking bum sitting around the house all day. You have not been a bum sitting around the house. You've been in this motherfucker active. You swept and mopped the whole place. Yeah. You've been spending money from what I've heard.

Them motherfuckers been swiping. I did? I did spend money. New tattoo, shoes. Oh, yeah. New tattoo. Show that bitch off. Yeah.

It's clean. I got yelled at last time I said that last hold it up up here so we can get a zoom in thanks dude also got a new pair of shoes on yeah i'm up for it yeah walker bless walker bless me with some new shoes appreciate that my boy still waiting on my pair yeah keep uh so yeah like but i don't know how to, like, tell people that I'm on vacation. Like, I didn't do, like, the out-of-office email, so I've just been, like, kind of working still. You have to send out an email saying I'm going to be out-of-office? Yeah, I don't even know how to do that. How do you do that, like?

I think it's just, like, an automatic reply. You can, like, set a setting, like, automatic reply that I'm out-of-office. Mm-hmm. That's cool. But so today, I don't know, somehow they hacked into our fucking Microsoft account. So like the boss and the VP are just sending spam emails back and forth to each other, like on each other's like email. And they're both just emailing me about it. And I was like, oh yeah, i'll fix this for sure i just

didn't do it and i got a call from like one of our clients and he was like hey bro like i got this dude's like 40 and he calls me nothing but brother or bro and he's like hey bro you know i got a you know whole shit's fucked i need you to fucking log on with me and i was like i got you give me about 20 minutes totally forgot about it i need you to fucking log on with me and i was like i got you give me about 20 minutes totally forgot about it i was just like fucking around in the backyard and like 45 minutes goes by and i text him i'm like oh shit my bad i'm trying to find wi-fi that's so funny he texts back he's like is everything good and i was like oh you know man i'm actually at the beach right now like uh fucker you're so bad at being on vacation it's hilarious i'm actually at the beach right now. Walker, you're so bad at being on vacation. It's hilarious.

I'm actually at the beach right now. Is there any way we can do this later? The closest Wi-Fi is Starbucks. He was like, yeah. He called me and he was like, yeah, we can do it later. The closest Wi-Fi. You should have had me in the background. Austin, make beach noises. I'd be like...

Dude, I'll remember that for next time. Next time I have to get out of it. Now I'm be like. Dude, I'll remember that for next time. Yeah. Next time I have to get out of it. Now I'm dog sitting. Oh, my God. I just thought of some shit. My vacation's so sick. Bro.

Have I told you guys the craziest way I called off of work? I don't think so. Would you? I would love to hear this, AJ. What the hell did you tell them? When I called off work, I go to the extreme. It's bad. Like, one of the last times I can remember, probably not too long before I quit my job,

which I also do very bad. Work-related things, bad. You'll remember this story. So I called off, or I'm like we had we we got all fucked up the night before woke up next morning i think the next morning was like a saturday and like the bender must continue on a saturday like i the let austin's at my house i wake up to austin at my house everyone's just like having a pool day. Hell yeah. And I'm like, see you guys later. Going to fucking work.

And I go to work. I get like a mile down the street. And the whole time I'm just like, I fucking hate this shit. I hate my job. I hate my life. I'm like, I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I'm like calling, calling, calling.

I'm like, no, I can't call. There's like the devil and the angel in your in your head or whatever like calling don't call it calling so i look so i get like seven minutes from the house i'm not on the highway yet i'm like literally at the gas station before the highway because once you get on the highway you've committed you've committed to the route i'm on the gas station right before the on-ramp that you get on the highway i pull over i'm like screw this man i ain't going bro i'm like i'm going home so i had fomo bad i get out of the car call i i pull in the parking lot i call my boss i'm like hey boss my car and i'm broke down on the side of the highway and. I'm like, hey, boss.

My car broke down on the side of the highway. And then I'm like, hold on. I'll be right there. I'm yelling off onto the side to sound like I'm on the side of the highway. I'm like, just back it up. I'm like, yeah, I'm like the tow trucks here right now. I'm like, come on, come on. Let me get my keys.

That's so funny. I'm literally in the parking lot trying to make it sound like I'm on the side of the highway i'm slamming my door i'm trying to make it sound so chaotic like i'm literally just at the gas station that is so fucking stupid aj i came and she's like oh yeah she's like oh handle the handle like you're good like no worries like you're totally fine like i understand get your car. You're good. No worries. You're totally fine. I understand. Get your car fixed. You're good.

I drive home. Austin's in the shower. I'm like, yo, I'm back. When I heard his voice, I was like, my ears perked up. I was like, oh, it's game time, baby. I was like, yo. They're like, what happened? I'm like, I called in.

It's like, it's time to start drinking. We're about to have a day. And I was just like, they're like, what did you do? I'm like, I told them, they're like, you are so extra. I'm like, they're like, you literally could have just called. I know. I was like, I cannot believe you went through all that. Didn't want to come in.

I tried. I tried to go. It's giving avoidance or something. I don't know. I tried to go It's giving avoidance Or something I tried to go I got in the car I put my I put my work clothes on

I went I just didn't make it You did try You did try your damn best And I'm proud of you for that Not too Not too much later He left and never said goodbye

If it's one thing I'm gonna do I'm gonna at least try I'm gonna try i might not make it like far i have a question for you what's correct so what's worse buying spending spending way too much money all right what's worse spending way too much money on designer clothing or spending less money, way less money, on fake designer clothing. Because if you're buying designer clothing, then you're spending a shit ton of money on a piece of fabric or whatever it is. It's like bullshit. But if you're buying fake designer clothing, you're spending way less money, but you're still just trying to get that look like, oh, I wear designer.

So what's worse? Honestly, I think it's a very shrewd business move. Why would you buy a $1,300 pair of Yeezys when you can buy a $30 pair that look just as shitty? Exactly. So you'd say it's way smarter to just buy the fake shit and rock with it. Yeah. But, you know.

So what would you do? What would you do? Would you buy, let's say, would you buy the. Well, I only wear Gucci. Would you buy the Gucci belt or the fake Gucci belt? A real Gucci belt. I fully believe that because you're not a broke-ass bitch. AJ, what would you do?

I don't necessarily like that analogy of the Gucci belt because you can get a Gucci belt for like $300, like a real one. Oh, yeah, that's a normal belt price. So that's obtainable. I'm going to Ross and spend an $8.99.

But I'm saying, though, people had years ago, back when motherfuckers weren't, when kids weren't rich how they are now. You could get a Gucci belt in high school. I actually wear nothing but a White House black market. Go-yard and Gucci. So what would you do? My next door was a little raised.

What would you do? Speak from the heart. Your truest self. I'm buying, at this point in my life, I'm buying the fake shit. What would, all right, so let's say. But I will say there's certain categories in fake shit. Like I'm not going to buy fake, probably not going to buy fake sneakers. But that's just because you're not a sneaker head, but you care about sneakers a lot.

Beep, beep, beep. Hey, guys, welcome to, you've heard of Dan Carlin's hardcore history. Well, this is Walker's softcore history. First episode. The saying, the rule of thumb, comes from a law in the southern states before about 1940, where it was legal to beat your wife with a stick that was less than the width of your thumb. That's where the rule of thumb came from?

That's where the rule of thumb came from. That's fucked up. Thank you. That is very fucked up. Huh. So it's Walker's soft core history instead of talking with Walk Now? Yeah. I fuck with it.

We're going to rebrand, you know? All right. Cool. I like it. What did it to rebrand, you know? Alright, cool. I like it. What did it take? 32 pods? 34. Holy shit, we're on 34? This is pod 34.

But yeah, dude. I'd buy reps. But it depends on the category of fake. It depends on the category of fake. Well, fake is fake. If you're talking about a Gucci wallet, $700. Right.

You buying a real Gucci wallet or a fake one? Fake one for sure. To be honest, if I... It's a wallet. Personally, me, I just wouldn't buy fake because I don't care about the real version enough to even buy the fake version. So if I wanted it, then I would just buy the real version, to even buy the fake version so if i if i like i wanted it then i would just buy the real version i guess but and you gotta think the the level of fakes nowadays are like damn near identical i'm talking about missing a stitch or something or like like to the average

viewer who doesn't own any designer even if even if they do own a designer, unless they're literally holding the product, looking at it like this close, like smelling it, you're not going to know. Would you rather buy 10,000, this costs a dollar, 10,000 US counterfeit dollars, or a million counterfeit Thai Dong dollars.

I don't know the exchange on that. It's worth a million U.S., but that equivalent in Thai Dong. I'd buy Thai Dong. Why would you not? They're counterfeit, though. Yeah, they're both counterfeit? Yeah. $10,000 US or a million Thai dong?

I'm buying Thai dong. So much Thai dong, you don't even fucking know what would hit you. That's 100% not what their money's called. I just kind of made that up. Okay, well, either way. I'm buying a shit ton of tie dong i'm not buying fucking us whatever mandarin word on top of us yeah no i've been speaking a lot of mandarin around the house walker is that's your new thing yeah dude i'm learning mandarin nice

oh dude there's a thing on tiktok that, really good. What was the point of your question, though? I said I would buy a tie dong. I just wanted to talk about it. I just wanted to say dong. I just wanted to say dong. I got a hypothetical question for you. All right. It's similar.

Like, okay. Do it. Say, okay. Say you buy six. I saw this actually on TikTok. This dude bought $6 thousand dollars worth of fake shit like i'm talking about like 10 pair of shoes 20 hoodies no i'm saying would you spend that type of money on fake shit because you got to understand it's also an investment when you buy

real designer shit like most well yeah Most of it is an investment. So would you rather blow like six grand on shit that is fake? I think so. I spent about over six grand on my ex-girlfriend. Fake shit. A bunch of fake shit right there. I just was saying like – No, dude. I don't think I would buy fake shit and I don't –

No, I wouldn't buy fake shit. I just don't think I would buy fake shit because I don't care about like low-key like louis vuitton and gucci are ugly toilet paper yeah like gucci and louis vuitton are ugly but like they do not look good at all you got on that hermes though hermes bags god damn like most designer looks like shit so why would i buy the fake version when i don't care about the real version? But I mean, if you're talking about... Designer shoes are god awful. Designer shoes are like some of the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. Yeah, it's like fucking... Because it's all foreign fashion.

It's just popping over there. Yeah, foreign disgust. So when I went to Europe, I wore... Did I cut you off? Yes. I don't fucking know. So when I went to Europe, I wore white shoes. And the girl I was dating at the time, she lived there for a while because she was studying abroad.

And she was like, Austin, you shouldn't wear those white shoes in public. Like, that is not what people do here. I don't know. I was just wearing, like, a normal white pair of Nikes. 270s? No, they weren't 270s. Here's rocking the sleeps in 270s. They were probably free runs.

Bro, I've owned two pairs of 270s. You've moved on. I owned a white pair and a black pair. I thought you doubled up on one of them pairs. Well, like, okay, but who gives a fuck? You're wearing white sneakers. But, like, people were looking at me. They were staring me down.

They're like... Does white sneakers mean, like, you can take my ass in the bathroom if you want? I think it's just like, oh, everybody look at me. I feel like that's... As a big dick American, you have to show those dirty Spaniards what's what. Exactly. I have a massive dick and I'm an American, so I have to wear white shoes. Dude, Austin pulled his pee-pee out the other night.

And it wasn't the other night. It was today when he was taking a shower. He was just, like, walking around naked. I did do that. His dick has gotten bigger, AJ. I swear to God. Bro, when we were in college, like, it wouldn't even, like, hit my uvula. And now...

God damn it, Walker. Anyways, but, like, it hangs, like, significantly lower than his balls now. Fucking grandma kitty. Yeah, grandma kitty's like, great, Austin's getting sucked off by Walker. I knew it. Kitty, that is happening. It is not happening, Grandma. Thank you for the ginger lily.

It's amazing. Grandma, I'm not. So shit. All right, moving on. You guys are tweaking. I'm not tweaking. Walker's the one sucking my dick. I mean, fake sucking my dick.

Yeah, would you rather have the real fucking head or the fake head my dick yeah would you rather have the real fucking head or the fake head whoa would you rather have real head or fake head i don't know head ass obviously the real deal i heard they make machines all aj knows is fake head right i heard they make machines and shit like you know walker got the doll yeah walker's when my pants are pulled down he's a fucking machine yeah yeah Yeah, I just put my thighs together really tight. Yeah, we ain't getting no fucking podcast guests. You can throw it out the fucking window. It's over with.

What? Who's not coming on? Fucking, I don't even, make sure they watch this part. They don't know what they're signed up for. If we have a podcast guest. Boys, let's just keep going. Fuck the ending it. Let's just keep it going.

No, we're ending it. This is our worst podcast, and it should be an hour. It is not our worst podcast at all. You think it's bad, it's not bad. Go watch episode three. That's all I'll say. Because three are worse. I just made that number up, but in the first ten episodes,

there's way worse than what we've done here tonight. Go watch the unreleased. It was just us telling story after story after story. I'm like, dude, we're going to run out of stories in like three podcasts. We don't need to talk about what we've talked about. What is a podcast? You just tell stories. Unless you're one of those weird-ass

words of wisdom like, you have to wake up. I listen to exclusively politics podcasts. alt-right content from 2016. Or it's like a dude with a cross earring hanging down. And they have one earring. The dangly fucking earring on guys. Nothing boils my blood like that.

I was thinking about getting one. I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. I want an American history accent. You can't go to work with one of them, bro. You will get clowned, bro. I don't know. You should get clowned wherever you go.

I don't know. Whatever, bro. Imagine clocking in with a fucking cross earring hanging down, like one of them dangly ones. To close out 2023 let's all everyone hate a little more i think become a hater i think you're wrong ele also i have to pee unbelievably bad so go pee we'll do we'll close it out no no 100 not happening um ladies and gentlemen thanks for listening to another episode of the Always Laugh podcast.

It's been great. It's been fun. Make sure you find us on all platforms, Always Laugh podcast. Just type that in. You'll find us. Yeah.

My name's Austin Lane. My name is AJ. I'm still driving with my bright son. AJ's going to drunk drive home what god what the hell was that Walker alright that's Walker

we out I'm not driving home drunk I'm not drunk