Always Laugh Podcast - Pod #35 - Things Got Weird in the Locker Room, Aj is a Hero Again, Austin Doesn't Pee at Work

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

This episode we talk about Aj being a hero on facebook, Locker rooms being a weird place, being so dehydrated that you don't pee, and what to do during labor. Hosted By: Austin Lane (@austinlane_fit), AJ Allen (@ajnotalex), and Walker Smith Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYNegdIXrzsdQxLPjeWsKww Follow us on all socials @alwayslaughpodcast

Welcome back to the Always Laugh Podcast. My name's Austin Lane. My name is AJ. This is the number one podcast you've never heard of. My name's Walker. I'm the world's number one Merrill Howard Kaelin fan. Smith. If you ain't laughing, you ain't living.

Who is Merrill Howard Kaelin? Kaelin. Kaelin. He was a chef renowned for a late night TV show in Minnesota or something like that. Is that the guy's recipe that you just used to make the meatloaf that you cooked this week? No, we have watched his video in the past, though. Oh, when we were super stoned and we were watching funny cooking videos? Yeah.

Is that it? It's that guy. Really? The autistic chef. Oh, yeah. He's got a late night TV show, and he does this whole cooking routine where he's making like, I think it's like meat. Meatloaf. Damn, I'm bad at that.

Meatloaf and like this jello dessert. And the producers really screwed him over. Like they gave him like rotten bananas and stuff like that. And just like everything goes wrong. That's tough. And at one point he looks down towards his hands and he's just like, I don't want to do this anymore.

And just snaps out of it and keeps going on. This is going to be me on the pod one day. Walker made seafood meatloaf this week. It's pretty fire. Seafood meatloaf this week. It's pretty fire. Seafood meatloaf. Yeah. I just had a little chopped anchovies in there.

Those come from umami flavor. You know what I'm saying? Those come from the sea. Had some fish sauce in there for some MSG. I feel MSG'd the fuck out. I called Walker on the way home. I said, can I get some of that meatloaf, dog? He said, you can get the meatloaf anytime you want it, dog.

So what's the deal? I got a meatloaf for you, pal. Jesus. I got a meat you can loaf all over, if you know what I mean. That's disgusting. Your shit ain't loafing, dog. No, you're loafing on. AJ, what's your question for me?

I just was curious because I've heard about this a couple times lately. That like, why is seafood, like the people that are allergic to seafood, why is it such a bad like reaction? They can't even touch it. And then like compared to other like allergies, it's like not that deep. Why is seafood like so serious? Obviously, it's indicative of a further problem. God is trying to tell us that people with seafood allergies, they're walking a tight rope. They touch a shellfish.

They're out of here. Yeah, we could do without them. Dude, I might have told him. My mom's allergic to seafood, you asshole. Who cares? She's walking that tight rope. I've met her. I know what she's like.

I had this. It wasn't me, but it was one of my friends in the restaurant had this customer come in she like ordered the this uh topping that had shrimp in it and so we called the shrimp topping she like starts going into like anaphylactic shock and she looks to the server and she's like you didn't tell me there was shrimp in there so like she this is at the cajun queen is that what you, you didn't tell me there was shrimp in there. So, like, this is at the Cajun Queen? Is that what you said? I didn't say that. I said it was at a restaurant I worked at.

Do you not want people to know that you worked at the Cajun Queen, and I did too? No. Why? Because I'm trying to stay under the radar, you know? I don't understand. Part of, like, the QAnon training ritual is staying under the radar. I'm actually not joining QAnon.

That's lame. I'm joining Anonymous. I bought one of those Guy Fawkes masks from V for Vendetta. I'm going to start wearing that around the house and start hacking. Movie's ass. I'm in the Matrix. Movie's ass. Movie's not great. It's mid. Like I'm in the Matrix. Movie's ass. Movie's not great.

It's mid. The Saw mask. Yeah, that fucking, what's his name? It's pretty good, isn't it? Keanu Reeves. Guy Fawkes. A voice changer. You're going to get a voice changer?

For what? You're hacking. Fucking. No, I don't need a voice changer. AJ. I can do it. I can go to a logo register. I heard that you have been celebrated as a hero recently. Oh, you heard about that?

You might have. AJ's popping on Facebook right now. He's a quote-unquote hero. So the other day, I'm walking in my house, and I had noticed my neighbor was pulling in his driveway. Didn't think nothing of it. And all of a sudden, I hear someone yelling out, like, AJ, AJ. So I'm like, what is he, drunk or something?

It's the middle of the day. I'm like, I know he does drink a little bit, but I'm like, oh, what's he on? You know, you always get that one neighbor that you're like, oh, fuck. It could be anything. He's like, you you know you always got that one neighbor that you're like oh fuck it could be anything he's like you're a hero man i'm like what are you talking about dude like it's like a random tuesday like middle of the day what do you mean i'm a hero he's like my wife is in this facebook group it's uh it's called something moms like uh It's called the city moms. And she's like, there's a post about you in there. I'm like, yeah, right, bro.

I'm like, I'm in a mom Facebook group that's invite only? Yeah, right. No, it was just this situation at work that this lady had pretty much just typed out on uh on facebook that this lady was being um followed by two people and the lady it was a random pedestrian flagged me down it was like hey i've been like peeping this other lady who doesn't speak any english i've noticed that she's being followed by two people and they're not like together so i was like that's odd uh i just i i was like let me let me call asset protection for you real quick and um long story short i just end up walking this lady to the car and uh the whole time like i'm like fucking uh like what's the word i'm like my head's on a swivel dog because i'm

like i don't know what i'm looking for the whole the whole time just like just head on a swivel you know what i'm saying and uh i said in my head i'm like oh my god please don't let someone try to like hop out and kidnap this lady or some shit because like i what the fuck i'm on the clock dog what would you do what would you have done if somebody tried to kidnap her swing we talked about this earlier if i swing i get If I don't, I just let someone get kidnapped. Yeah, you can't let... So you're saying you would even question it? I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? This is a moral conundrum. You're a piece of shit. Do I lose my shitty job that doesn't appreciate me, or do I save a person's life? You literally let this girl get kidnapped, and God knows what happens. It's one of them situations.

It is not one of them situations. Then to say no little girl, to say grown woman. Who fucking cares? You're just going to let a girl get kidnapped and god knows what happens situations it is not one of them situation to say no little girl let's say grown woman who fucking cares you're just gonna let a girl get you'd have to live with the rest of your life if you're over 30 you can be kidnapped that's on you yeah that's it you have to fend for yourself you live in a society what are you gonna do just call the cops and be like yeah they're fucking gone listen under 18 50 year old yeah buddy it doesn't matter. Who are you? She could be on her deathbed. I'm on the clock, bro.

Who fucking cares? I'm not security. This is pissing me off. But you're walking her to her car. They're going to come and snatch her from your arms. Bro, you would deadass just be like, and you're going to be like, oh, yeah. Take her.

Oh, that sucks. Because you're scared of losing your job. You're a coward. You care about your fucking job that much? Yeah, I do. That's why I'm going to knock your ass out. This is unbelievable. AJ, I can't believe this.

So that's what happened. I'm in the Facebook group. Can I get in this group and comment? He's a hero, though. Can I comment on this? They got scared. They saw me and got scared. AJ says if she was actually going to get kidnapped, I would have let it happen.

Huh? Yeah, can you comment that? I want to. Let me in the fucking mom group. But you ain't a mom. You can't get in there. It's like, thank God nobody ran up on them. They denied Kenzie.

They denied Kenzie? What? She's not a mom yet, so that makes sense. I'm assuming, yeah. Like, you have to post a picture of your baby to get in the mom group? I don't know. They're like, is that a bump? Yeah, fuck no.

Yeah, that doesn't cut it. So are you going to take, like, parenting class or, like, what is it, like, birth classes or whatever? So you know what to do when the time comes? Oh, I saw a video. They're like, there's nothing. The dad's going to feel like a piece of shit. They're going to feel worthless. They're going to feel helpless when they're in the room

because you're just standing there. I'm talking about before that. Water breaks. We got to fucking go. You just hit the road. Are you going to have a sympathetic pregnancy? What's that mean? Are you going to have a sympathetic pregnancy? What's that mean? Are you going to gain like 30 pounds of weight?

I think that's supposed to happen right now. That's not happening. I'm actually in the best shape of my life. Okay. Great joke, dude. That was so sick. I'm in the best shape of my fucking life. Yeah, AJ comes over and he's like, bro, I am so hungry.

So hungry. I'm like, you probably haven't eaten for like three hours. He's like, bro, I am so hungry. So hungry. I'm like, you probably haven't eaten for like three hours. He's like, yeah, about that. He's like, my stomach's touching my back. The front of my stomach. I didn't eat anything before that, though. You know, I crushed that sausage McMuffin this morning. Dude, that's fucking 7 a.m., buddy.

And then I ate at 3. And then now it's like 7 seven i had a buddy in high school that's like a normal i worked 11 hours and i was a little hung from the 94 i had a i had a buddy in high school that um he got a girl pregnant he got his girl pregnant and when um when it was time when it came time to take her to the hospital, she went into labor. He pulls up at my house. It's just him. He gets out of the car.

He's like, Lane, Lane, the baby's coming. I'm like, oh, shit. Do you need my help? What are you doing? Why are you here? He's like, oh, no, we're good. We're waiting on my mom. And then we're driving to the hospital. I was like, why did you come here?

He was like, I had to tell you, bro. I was like, do you need anything? He's like, nah, man, bye're driving to the hospital. I was like, why'd you come here? He was like, I had to tell you, bro. I was like, do you need anything? He's like, nah, man, bye. Just fucking left. I was like, you're tripping right now. What a legend. His girl was pissed. You'd think you guys were fucking military boys,

how y'all call each other by your last name. I've never heard of it. You didn't do that in basketball? No. That's a normal sports thing. No, it's not. Basketball players are too busy walking in socks and slides with their knees touching and looking down at their phones. And walking like they're sore.

Yeah, why do basketball players always have slides on with socks and walk like you're sore? You're sore? Yeah, buddy. To be fair, I mean, you know, they're playing like 40 games of AAU a week. Right. They're over. They ain't got football AAU unless you live in Florida or Texas. Bro, the workouts after a football game were fucking brutal. Yeah, that's true.

Why would they do that to us? Why did they make us work out? That's your dumbass coach's fault for trying to win a state championship. We were fat loser high schoolers, and they were like, we're going to whip these pussies into shape. Saturday morning, we're in there. Newsflash. It didn't work. They're creating.

Newsflash. Still am. They're creating young men. Building men. Building men through football. I love that crock of horse shit. It's like nothing builds a man like getting bullied in a foul-smelling locker room. Doing a fucking suicide.

Yeah, by getting bullied by one of his coaches. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen in a locker room? The wrestlers fucking wrestling butt-ass naked in the shower. Jesus. That's disgusting.

Putting each other in headlocks and shit. There's this dude on our football team, and he had a penis, I swear to God, the size of one of those like Time Warner cable remotes. The long ones. And he would walk up behind freshmen that were like sitting on the benches. That's sexual assault.

Straight up jump and like slap them in the face with it. This man had a fucking piece on him. He was whacking people with his cock. No, dude. If only anyone knew what happened inside a high school gym locker. And I can't believe they just let gym teachers go in the locker room when there's like butt-ass naked 17-year-olds. I don't know if our...

Is that weird? Well, I guess our coaches did come in. Yeah, dude. I guess that is like weird now that I look back on it. What the fuck? We got to inspect. We got to inspect the boys. We got to see who has the most testosterone.

I feel like getting fully butt naked in a locker room in high school is like an olden day thing. Oh, it definitely is. I feel like it's like less like common now. Kids are not doing, you think they're really doing that now? Fuck no. Like, I never showered at school. Like, I didn't shower at school when I played sports or anything. Oh.

There was no point i was just going straight home i didn't shower at school because i didn't want anyone to see what i thought at the time was my little dick no i um it's funny how everybody thinks they have a little dick until they realize that everybody just has a little dick my junior uh my junior and senior year i definitely did uh after certain classes like... And your scale's that guy, you know. Like, it wasn't that deep. It would be, like, mean, like, one other person potentially showering. Like, I'm showering.

I mean, it's not like I care. Because I'd be sweating my dick off after, like, weightlifting class or basketball class or, like, whatever. What age do you hit when you just simply do not give a fuck about people seeing your dick? Like, I could walk down the street butt naked. 45. I feel that way right now.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. You would not be in Fitness Connection dick out walking into the steam room like these guys. I 100% would do that. No, you wouldn't. I swear on my life. You'd put a towel on. You'd do it for the bit, but you just wouldn't do it in your normal life. No, I wouldn't do it. These guys are just

casually on a Tuesday afternoon after a workout, dicking balls out in front of 30 dudes walking in the room. Why are old men's dicks inverted every time? What? Bro. Inverted. Bro, their dicks are like little tiny acorns peeping out of a fucking bush. A bush, dude.

A mean-ass bush. I was going to say, they're not inverted. They're just hidden. I got a story about an old man. Dude, old people just, like, stop trimming after, like, I don't know, like, 70. They probably never did. You get, like, an 80-year-old whose eyebrows are, like, two inches long. And, like, they've got, like, hair, like, growing out of their ears and shit.

Imagine the bush on that guy. inches long and like they've got like hair like growing out of their ears and shit imagine the bush on that guy i feel like your wife needs to be like bro take care of that shit or whatever like if i don't care either if my wife starts growing hair out of places i'm gonna be like yo let me get the scissors real quick let me handle that yeah like out of places like anything below the eyebrows am i right boys that's right my boy listen i got a story about an old man which is i think it's just another old person thing so a couple times in the past week i found myself at the gas station at like 4 10 4 o'clock in the morning right jeez louise man man. Early. 4 a.m.

I'm at the 24-hour gas station. So I go in there one day. I see this older gentleman just chatting it up with the cashier. He's fully dressed, shirt tucked in, hat on, looks clean, looks ready for the fucking day, right? Right. I'm like, oh, man. Old people are fucking tripping, bro. I'm like, I like i think nothing of

it and then a couple more times i went there at about 4 a.m and i saw him every fucking time i'm like oh he's one of them he fucking wakes up immediately puts jeans on immediately tucks his shirt in and he's at the gas station talking to the cashier at 4 a.m just not buying nothing just chatting like he might have bought a coffee or some shit like a little 69 cent coffee getting his human interaction starting his day at 4 fucking a.m and then the other like one of the times i have a vibe though one of the times i uh i was like i'm gonna say something i'm gonna say something to him like i had to like nut up me real quick and be like what am i gonna say i I looked over to him. I said, you don't never get no sleep, do you?

Or some shit like that. And he had the slickest comment. And in my head, that was all the interaction was. What was his comment? I can't. It don't matter. Come on. Make something up.

It don't matter. But I'm just saying it's crazy how old there's so many probably people like him that just wake up, immediately get dressed, and just hit the fucking gas station just to talk. Like, what do you think his wife, if he has a wife, like, hey, where are you going? To the gas station. Like, it's 4 a.m. I've been doing this for five years.

Well, that's the generation of men who just hate their wives. And they'll take any excuse to what the fuck are they doing hate their wives and they'll take any excuse to get the fuck away from them that's what i'm like who just wakes up and comes through the i can't wait till i'm old as shit it's dark out i can't sleep past 5 a.m oh but i'm saying to be there at four that means he woke up at probably 3 3030 or before that. How is that your standard wake-up time to go drink your coffee at the gas station? I don't know, man. I'm sorry I have no answers for you on this. Like, how can they do that?

It seems like they'd be more tired. AJ's really concerned about these old people at gas stations. They can do it, bro. They just wake up, dog. It's probably because they're going to bed at, like, 6. Easy. 6. 6 a.m. to bed at like 6. Easy. 6. 6 a.m.

That's pretty realistic. You and your freaking wife go to bed at 8.30. Just nasty. We try to get in the bed at 8.30. I'm not asleep until midnight. Bullshit. I'm not asleep before 10. You're popping two melatonins and you're racked up.

I don't do that no more. It's bad for you You shouldn't I work now It's not bad for you Yeah it is No it's not It's not

You're not supposed to Joe Rogan said so So I believe it Joe Rogan Fucking short Short and fat It was somebody I mean

It was somebody that was on Joe Rogan I'm sure you're not supposed to take it long term Because then your body will get used to Needing melatonin to Go to sleep Well your Your brain produces melatonin That's like how you go to sleep You sound like anyone explaining melatonin to go to sleep. Your brain produces melatonin.

That's how you go to sleep. You sound like anyone explaining melatonin. I just like to smoke. It's not just melatonin. It's also adenosine as well. What? Adenosine. Oh, so I'm getting roofied with adenosine. That's the chemical that gets canceled out by caffeine.

Okay, I got another one for you. What you got for me? Another random topic okay because i go from one thing to another yep that's how things usually go i have a co-worker at work who likes to drink mountain dew right how many all right i want to play guessing game how many mountain dews do you think he crushes i'm talking about the bottles right i think they're what 16 ounce bottles we'll go with that how many bottles in a 11 hour shift is too many bottles is too many yeah like how many one is too many one's

too many i would say okay let's be fair to the person with the mountain dew addiction anything more than two is probably too much working on dying yeah but like i would say i'm guessing this person's hitting four bottles a day. You're going high with four? Yeah, five. I'm going nine. Whoa. Eleven hours?

That's a long time. He averages six. God, is he just non-stop? He has a fucking freshie in his hand about every time I see him. He's chain chugging Mountain Dews. The blue voltage joint. What the hell?

It is good. I ain't going to lie. For some, I was. But he also has a problem with cigarettes. He is the, and I know a lot of cigarette smokers. This guy, you know, normally when a cigarette smoker pulls out a cigarette, smokes it. Even if they're going to do a back to back, they'll pull one out, smoke it, throw it. As they're throwing the other one, they already put a new one in their mouth.

They're lighting it, right? Right. Normal chain smoking shit. Double-back cigarette shit. We all know them. Yeah. This dude pulls out two at a time, throws one in the ear, and lights his standard one like normal. So he already has that one hidden up top that he just pops in real quick.

And he lights it with the other one. That's fine. That's fine. He lights it with the other one. I'm kind of in on this guy now. This guy fucking rocks. Six fucking Mountain Dews. Minimum.

And he keeps a two liter on his desk. Is he just drinking out of the two liter? He's mobile with the six 16 ounces. He's mobile with those. When he's stationary, he has the two liter. He's drinking out of the two liter. Oh, yeah. Listen, he does the green two liter at his station.

And he goes mobile. Voltage on the go. He goes mobile. He buys the cases. I didn't even tell you. He buys the cases of Blue't even tell you he buys the cases of blue mountain dew when they come in from the vendor it's 56 i think for uh like 20 of them or something it's like whatever 24 comes in a case i think he's paying like 56 bucks for the case bro

he consistently buys out our blue stock that's wild this guy needs to this dude like called me out the other day i got one myself he's like you buying up all my mountain dews i said damn dog i'm like there's four coolers out here with them you've drank all of them i literally looked one day they're gone literally rows empty i'm like you motherfucker dude that's he's like i done checked everywhere every cooler is empty fuck i'm waiting on the vendor to come bro my pee has been looking like mountain dew lately so i've been i've been in my uh as aj would put it as aj would say i've been in my blue collar bag you know helping the family freaking do some blue collar work um i have not peed between the hours of 7 a.m and 6 p.m in three days i got home today and peed and it was dark you need to drink oh so much bro i've drank this

is a 32 ounce bottle i drank like seven of these today i'm just constantly soaking wet out there. That sucks. I'm just sweating non-stop. I haven't peed that much today because I'm a little de-hi-hi from fucking last night. I like getting wet on the job site. Yeah, it's disgusting. I get wet at work in dress clothes. I just want to get my I just want to take my shirt off so bad, but we're

working at like an actual client's house. So, bullshit. This dude has a gash on his legs fucking second day working blue collar my brother i was working with my brother he fucking slammed something into my leg today and it took a chunk out it's bleeding everywhere you have soft hands brother i got soft leg meat i saw some white meat hanging out it was pretty dope soft shins thank god nurse walker was on the rescue. Yeah, Walker doctored me up. It was pretty sick.

Yeah, man. So, another fucking topic. Jesus, buddy. Fuck, we can't have... All right, so we have the whiteboard set up across the room for the fucking... Just to have some ideas written down. AJ's so organic. I'm going off the list, bro.

Yeah, AJ's just fucking looking at the list like, I gotta say this next. Yep. What the fuck is an encyclopedia? Did the shit get phased out? Walker, how was your day at work today yep fuck me sorry dude you've been on a fucking nobody else's talk nobody's talk don't matter walker hasn't said a word in 20 minutes that's fine uh an encyclopedia has not been phased out it It has been phased out. It's not. Do you own one? No, I don't own one. Name someone who owns one that's not 40 or above.

Okay, how many books do you own? I mean, a couple. So are books phased out? No, but an encyclopedia is definitely phased out. You own a dictionary? Bro, I use an encyclopedia weekly. Are those phased out? Yes.

No, they're not. It's called fucking the internet, dude. Bro, I use a thesaurus weekly. A what? A thesaurus. Do you know what a thesaurus is? Sounds like a fucking dinosaur. Synonyms and antonyms, you cretin.

Buddy pulled out a dinosaur fucking verb. A dinosaur? It's a thesaurus, bro. A thesaurus, Rex. AJ, you're an idiot. Bro, I mean, that's not a generous. A thesaurus rex. AJ, you're an idiot. Bro, I mean, that's what it sounds like. AJ's a case study in what happens when you only read like three books in your entire life. AJ, were you a test tube baby?

No, dude, I'm straight out the fucking womb. Straight out the fucking hoo-ha cave? AJ, what would you say your reading level's at? Top tier. The top is tier. How do you judge a reading level how fast you can read it no so like american sign makers it's like common knowledge that you can only make it a sixth grade reading level because the average american adult can only read at a sixth grade level you think you're above or below that dude i was so good at popcorn fucking reading, bro.

In what, second grade? High school, buddy. High school. I used to break the silence. Ham! That's fucking... You know what? Pick me!

Huckleberry Finn came on and AJ was like, please, please! Every time he saw a word that started with N. I want the N word. Oh, dude. It was fucking... oh, my God. I can't even remember what I read. I was more of a books on tape type of guy, you know? That does not count as reading, you headass.

I like this shit being read to me. Well, I follow along in the book, dude. So you're at a second grade reading level. Libraries are phased out, too. No, they're not. Bro, just because you're in a different time in your life now like you don't have to use shit like that okay libraries that aren't connected to a school are phased out aj you get most of you get all of your information from social media this is just off top of my head

no one else said this i'm just this is why it it's filtered down through many opinions no opinion we have anymore is no that No, that's my... Because I used to go to a library as a kid in this small town called Leslie. And, like, I just can't... There's no way that place is still in business. Like, what, maybe one or two people come in to get used to the computer? They get federal funding. Yeah, that's the only way they're still open.

They're not making no fucking money. Well, they're not supposed to make money. It's a library. Who cares? They give out books. They charge you for the fucking books? If you bring them back late, why would I talk about libraries?

They're an American institution. AJ's trying to shit on them. Can you stop trying to shit on libraries, man? It's fucked up. I have my library card. Libraries only really thrive in like... They're mostly used for homeless dudes that go in and jerk off to porn on the computers. Hipster areas.

I see a lot of homeless people. You see a lot of homeless people jerking off? Using their computers. Where? At the library? What are they searching? Sketchy environment. Probably porn.

Dude, that's pretty sick. Because why not? Dude, imagine if you just... It's not a sketchy environment. Imagine being homeless. What's wrong with homeless people cranking one out? In public? They don't have a home.

They do it on the street. They don't have a home, buddy. Where are they supposed to do it? See, you're used to that, like, countryside, like, suburban lifestyle. Me and Austin, we're from the streets, you know? We live in the deep city, you know? Like, this is. Yeah, we're inner city boys.

This is a part of our life. You know what I'm saying? Dude, I had to cut up on an old man today and today at work why i had to get real disrespectful why he fucking this fucking old man thought it would be okay to fucking he's like fourth in line something happened with the line the um i think the the person running the register uh either had to shut it down or something happened to where they had they had to shut down the register right and everyone else in line just went had to go to a different register he felt the need taken upon himself to fucking like scream out some things i don't know what he screamed out but he started yelling in the store you weren't having it no and he fucking

made my like 70 year old plus cashier fucking start crying god dang it so i had to cut the fuck up i like i normally like i don't i'm never really rude to nobody like like i've always i'm always like a very like calm chill person but this dude i i was rude with this fucking guy i said i said what in your mind thinks you think it's okay to do that like he's like yeah my granddaughter works here too like i know how this I said, then that's even worse. If you're fucking grand, like, you should know better. You want someone talking to her like that? No, fuck off.

I really, I had to be a dick to this man. Way to stand up. It took a lot. It took a lot. That's fire, dude. Way to handle business, man. Dude, way to look out for your fucking home. Yeah, you were keeping, you were taking care of your people.

Working in the mines and the trenches. He made my fucking past year cry, man. Hell nah. Yeah, but when somebody's about to get kidnapped, fuck that bitch. Sip. Sip. Sip.

No one got kidnapped, bro. We good. It's a hypothetical. Thank God. Thank God. They would have ran up. It was just like, all right, I washed my hands of that. Hypothetical situation.

See you later. That's AJ when some girl gets kidnapped who doesn't speak English. Like, you think somebody's paying ransom for her? No, she's fucked. She gone. She's going straight to Korea to work in a labor camp. That's fucked up, dude. I'm not involved with shit

bro i just handle business you're right you're not involved that's the problem i got her safely out of there that's true you kept your head on the swivel that's the most important thank you and like she she opened the car door i stood there you know on the on the open spot you know i got all sides covered she has the door right there for shield. She's shielded by a car, and I'm shielding the back. She's looking up like, I was like a fucking bodyguard, fam. I was like, yeah. She was like, why is this man following me right now? No, no, no.

She knew. She didn't speak any English. She knew. She's like, why the hell is this man following me? Why is everybody following me today? She knew. She knew. How? I was why the hell is this man following me? Why is everybody following me today? She knew. She knew. How?

I was taking that shit serious as fuck. I'm like, come on. Walker, what's wrong? Nothing, dude. Dude, we had an Israeli. I'm giving out signals and shit. I don't know. It wasn't Israeli.

What? We had like an Iranian Uber driver the other day. He picked us up and he didn't speak a fucking lick of english it was so funny not a lick walker and i are coming home hammered from the bar yeah and we got an uber so kudos to us um so we get in he's like no english no english and i was like will google translate work and he just like walker's like oh fuck i'm like oh he actually doesn't speak any english so i started like typing out an arab like on google translate and i was like have you uh had sex with any fine ass bitches since you've been in america and like i started playing the voice out for him he started laughing he was like ah not really so he does speak english no i translated to

arab i see uh i thought you said fine white bitches not just bitches fine fine ass bitches fine ass bitches yeah that bar experience was interesting for sure. We accidentally got really drunk because we walk in. I knew somebody that worked there. So she kind of, she tried to hook us up with shots. I don't know. There was some miscommunication. She ended up pouring like six shots of fucking straight Crown Royal into a glass. So Walker and I were just drinking basically straight Crown Royal and peach snobs.

That's pretty good. And then this this older lady she was like 50 she's like apparently she was having a bad day and she was hammered in this bar she's like she's like you're so cute blah blah blah she's like taking my hat she took my hat from me she was wearing it i was like hey can i have my hat back now and she was like well i'm either taking your hat home or taking you home sweetie and i was like, hey, can I have my hat back now? And she was like, well, I'm either taking your hat home or taking you home, sweetie. And I was like, oh, shit, I'm going to fuck a 50-year-old tonight. So then I did it. I'm just kidding. I was out on the dance floor with her, and she was like, what are you doing? And she was like, I'm just looking for a cub.

She said that? That's fine. She asked for my phone number so obviously i gave it to her she texted me i'm sure you couldn't wait she texted me she said you are she said you are delicious i said just hungry bro she uh she bought us she bought us how many shots she bought us like two shots or some shit i don't know a shot or two shots i don't know who knows we took a lot of shots. I'm sure you guys were mad about the bartender overpouring fucking six shots.

Dude, it was just like a warm glass of liquor. I was like, can I at least get some ice cubes? Bro, the best thing. So I told her, I was like, I want royal flushes. So she starts pouring a glass of Crown on the rocks. I was like, no, no, no. I wanted like the shots she's like okay and just like takes the glass of crown and just throws it in the trash like a full-ass glass

of crown i feel like you get a plastic cup i feel like you've asked multiple i've been with you multiple times you ask for royal flush no one knows how to make it i feel like it's a common bartender uh class of america i never heard of never heard of them until walker ordered them i didn't know i do think there is a um i do think there's a uh not a loophole but a uh there's a what's the word i'm looking for it there's a uh a need for just like a really good fucking bartender in today's day and age like someone who like i think there's a there's a position for like i know there's good bartenders but like imagine if you were a bartender right fire you'd probably be a vibe you know it's like with any

there's so many shitty bartenders can we stop with the shitty bartenders what the fuck are y'all doing bro like you know what i'm saying like i know it's a hard it's a very hard job i'm not discrediting it because i could not do it moving that quick and remembering shit and you're doing a hundred things at once but what the fuck dude awesome whenever i walk up to a bar, I get served pretty easy. What about you? Yeah, pretty. Well, I mean, yeah. That might be just like an attractive person thing.

Yeah. Maybe. I'm saying I get served fine. You get shitty service. Like, nobody looks at you. They, like, pass over you. Like, go to other customers. It's not that deep.

But I'm saying, though, like, the amount of times we've been at a bar and they're like, oh, I'm not serving that fucking guy. I'm not serving that troll. No, like, okay, for instance, we go to that fucking bar and dude just looks like a fucking slime ball. Well, what's his physical appearance got to do with it?

Buddy looks like he just came off a four-day bender and just fucking sleazing around. If you're talking about who I think you are, he absolutely did. He don't bartend, so what? Oh, you're talking about that guy? No, I'm just saying. Well, that guy, yeah.

I always look like I came off a four-day bender. This applies to multiple people. I just feel like the vibe isn't there. The aura of the bartender is not what I'm picturing nowadays. I just feel like the vibe isn't there. Like, like the, the, the, um, the aura of the bartender is not like what I'm picturing nowadays. You know what I'm saying? Uh, I guess I have great experiences.

AJ, how often do you go to the bar? Not that often, man. Every time we go, it's fine. But I'm just saying like there, or it's like,

oh, it's just like some, I feel like it just could be better. Like, what do you want them to do? Fucking sing and dance for you? Not at all, man. Just like be a vibe. Like, it's always just like some, I feel like it just could be better. What do you want them to do, fucking sing and dance for you? No, not at all, man. Just, like, be a vibe. Like, none of them, like, they won't even, okay, like, I know you guys are comparing me to you,

but I know Walker will sit down and have a full-blown conversation with the bartender. Right. But, like, just, like, me, like, a normal person, like, if I don't say anything, they probably won't say anything to me. But, like, I look like a, like, I'll talk your fucking ear off if you fucking talk to me. You look like a hot 20-year-old. Well, how about you put yourself out there? Well, I'm not. You're the fucking bartender.

You're supposed to be the one earning my fucking, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you got to work for this. A lot of them do and I'm like I still fucking pay some of them must just not like the look of ya bro maybe you smell oh my god today at work

AJ's stories are only gonna consist of work because he's at work like 60 hours a week now I switched it up and went rogue and got the fucking deal the day at Subway. It's like an Italian BMT or some shit. What the hell is a BMT? I don't fucking know.

I just ordered it, and it has a bologna or something on it. I don't know what it has on it, but it has three different types of meat. Long story short, I ate a six-inch sub. It's disgusting. I wiped my hands off off i didn't necessarily wash my hands after i just kind of wiped them off because it wasn't that deep it was just a little wipe off you know i'm saying so i go to back delegating people on where to go and i kind of talk with my hands and shit and this fucking co-worker is like did you just eat roast beef

or like did you just eat bologna or some shit i'm like oh my god i smell she's like i can smell it i'm like oh it's my hands i'm like fuck i smell my oh my god it was bad dude i was so embarrassed that is so embarrassing i was so embarrassed she called me the fuck i came back i'm like is it gone she's like yeah you're good i'm like like thank god bro that's so funny oh i can't believe she called you out i was like thank you thank you for calling me i don't like i can't call people out for like that if you smell like baloney like you're we're pushing i mean if one of you guys smelled like baloney i'd be like why the do you smell like baloney

but if it's just some random person pleasant smell for someone it might it was like salami it wasn't baloney it was like salami or whatever it is. Whatever's on a BMT. A random person, I'm just going to get away from them. Like, I'm not going to be like, yo, you smell like baloney, dog. You know what? Because I get secondhand embarrassment. Like, that would embarrass me to say that to them.

You know what I have a hard time doing? For some fucking reason, I am around so many males with their fucking flies unzipped. And I have the hardest time telling them their flies unzipped because I always feel like they're going to call me like a dick watcher a gay slur you're a dick gazer like why are you looking at my dick like dude it just stands out

that thing's fucking fat bro that's poking out of your shorts zip it up zip that fucking trouser snake up your barn door is open yeah is that what you say yeah that's what my gramp up. Your barn door is open. Yeah, is that what you say? Yeah, that's what my grampies say. Your barn door is open. Oh, my God.

The horse is going to get out. Sometimes, like, sometimes I just, like, it was so funny. When I was in training, it was, like, we were in class for, like, seven hours. And I noticed it, like, hour one. And in my head,'m like i'm just gonna see how long it goes till he notices it's on dude it was like three hours he did he finally get it yeah when he went to the bathroom i'm sure he looked down he was like oh shit like that's been open since last time that shit would be so funny you could have saved him from that

embarrassment but he's the he's the teacher, dude. Like, he's supposed to be, like, well-respected. So he was at the front of the class fucking horn out for three hours. That's pretty sick, dude. Oh, dude, like, no one else said shit. Like, everyone just clearly. Do any of your teachers ever, like, get a boner during class? Get bricked?

No. What the fuck? They might have. I don't know. I used to get freaking, dude, middle school and high school were tough times. Be walking down the hallway just books in front of your book. Did y'all ever have a fantasy in middle school

that you could, like, stop time and go around and have sex with everyone? Walker, what? Just you, buddy. What? And then, like, come to. Freak-ass bitch. And then you'd be like, you know, like, everyone, like, you know, the time starts again, and

you're back at your desk, and, like, nobody has anything. But you just fucked everybody. You just busted, like, 90 nuts. Yeah. And everybody else, they're all just like, whoa. Yeah, no, that didn't happen for you guys? Yeah, I think you got something fucked up up top, buddy. That's really weird.

Me and my friends in middle school, thought uh this one teacher was a creep me to seek help we were friends with this girl mallory and we're like mallory can you like go throw this thing away because she's like it was like a direct you set her up of of him and we would just like watch him to see if he would like peep and he was peeping hell yeah freak ass fucking little pedo yeah she. She's like 13. Little pedo in the sun. Dude, I remember sitting in my desk just praying the bell didn't ring so I didn't have to stand up with a fucking stiffy. Like, I'm going to have to do the quick fucking, fucking quickly fucking waistband that little fucker.

Dude, getting called up to the board. Dude, I remember when my dick was finally big enough to put it in my waistband. I was like, wow wow this is so much easier This is so much better The waistband technique will Save your life in situations for sure I always went left pocket Dude left pocket is fucking way too obvious

This is very obvious I know Dude I remember I kissed this girl I was on a field trip and I kissed this girl on the bus, and I got bricked. Like, bad. And I just, like, put my bag on my lap, and there was nothing else I could do. I was wearing, like, basketball shorts, and there was too many people around. And, like, I got called out hard.

They're like, Austin, why is your bag on your lap? It's like, um. They're like, oh, that's gross. I was like, uh, uh okay fuck you guys speaking of fucking unwanted fucking sexual uh shit fucking danny what the fuck's his last name from that 70s show aka hide sentenced to 30 years in prison today for what did he do in he raped two women damn at least back in like 2000 early 2000s he straight up did that yeah bro and he was on sitcoms until like 2017 oh yeah he did that oh yeah that's fun they came forward years later like years later they came forward yeah

like around like the me too time and he still got work after that jesus isn't that fucking wild the hear me out no imagine or don't imagine but imagine a world where danny masters no no no no imagine how satisfying his manly urges. Imagine how he felt. Is that what you're going to say, you piece of shit? He did some fucking horrible, fucked up ass shit, and then he's like, okay, like one year goes by. He's probably like, bet, got away with it. Like, hell yeah, one year goes by.

Five years go by. Fuck, dude, that shit's old news, buddy. Definitely got away with it. Ten years goes by. Can barely even remember what happened ten with it. Ten years goes by. I can barely remember what happened ten years ago. Shit's old news. Like, fifteen years go by.

Ha! Definitely not getting caught for that. Got away with that one. Yeah, like, yo, I'm about to do it again. How the hell did he get caught? And then boom, and then boom, you get caught for some shit like fifteen fucking years. How'd he get caught? They came forward. Yeah, but that doesn't, like, that doesn't mean... I'm guessing fucking hours. How did you get caught? They came forward. Yeah, but that doesn't mean.

I'm guessing one of them did a rape kit back in the day. Yeah, some shit. But just imagine you are in such a different spot, like say 15 years down the road from when an incident happened, and it just gets all brought back up, and now it's the only thing your life is about. Who are these women? Were they like coworkers or some shit? No idea. I'm working with them. It's fre is about. Who are these women? Were they like co-workers or some shit?

No idea. I'm working with them. It's freaky ass. Who knows? Fucked up, dog. Fucking hide. You would think Fez would have been on that shit or something. That's true. That is true. Nah, dude. Fez was respectful. We're going to do it! What did he used to say?

He used to have me crying. Oh, yeah. I could never get into that 70s show. Him and Kelso? Oh, my God, dude. Any show with a laugh track just sucks dick. Really? Yeah.

I didn't even do one of those crazy shows. Seinfeld? Oh, hate it. Hate it. Does it have a laugh track? Yeah. Seinfeld is one of the greatest shows of all time. What about Friends?

I just made you eat your words, didn't I? Well, Seinfeld's the lone exception. Does Friends have a laugh soundtrack? Yeah, of course. Dude, there's so many compilations of Friends with a laugh track taken out, and all their jokes are just like, oh, yeah, how about that? Come on, Joey. It's just super stunted and awkward.

That's weird. Well, fuck Hyde. Rot in jail, you fucking bitch. Fucking Hyde, piece of shit. They got him in Ad Seg, they said, and they referenced in TMZ there were previous Suge Knight and other high profile. It's like 30 years.

He's definitely going to die in there. Oh, for sure. How old is he he's probably like he's probably 40 5 he gets out in like 5 years with good behavior

no one I mean honestly probably yeah he's probably going to like one of those you know like rich people prisons where like you can

play tennis he's not gonna be in general population cause he's a fucking celebrity so he'll either drive himself crazy being alone like all day fucking good luck you guys have any you guys have any plans for the

week what is it yeah the weekend no any plans no i got about 35 hours of work ahead of me that's pretty sick i think i might go to the willie nelson concert tomorrow maybe get pretty stoned out there. That seems like the right thing to do at a Willie Nelson concert. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's my only vibe. Let's wrap this shit up and let these people continue enjoying their day after listening to such a beautiful podcast from us, you know.

Thanks for listening to another episode of the always live podcast baby find us on all platforms you know find us on instagram tiktok what are the other ones snapchat discord spotify discord all the links are in the description below facebook facebook yep b. Yeah, my name's Austin Lane. My name is AJ. I'm Walker. We out. Love you, people.