Always Laugh Podcast - Pod #38 - BEST OF SEASON ONE!!

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

This episode is a montage of our best moments from the previous 37 episodes. Enjoy! Hosted By: Austin Lane (@austinlane_fit), AJ Allen (@ajnotalex), and Walker Smith Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYNegdIXrzsdQxLPjeWsKww Follow us on all socials @alwayslaughpodcast

Welcome back to the always laugh podcast. My name is Austin Lane. As you can see, I'm by myself this week. As we already told you, season one has ended. We appreciate you guys for watching all of season one. But look, season two is coming soon. And yeah, this week we're doing a quick little quick recap of season one, the best of season one. So hope you guys enjoy. Let's get it. As soon as he grabs a paper towel and looks down to go for it, he falls the fuck out, cracks his skull. Bounce!

Hard as hell. Nigga has no arms when he's drunk. I was driving back from work one time and I had to pull over on the side of the road because I think I left my trunk open or some shit. And I locked my fucking ass out of my car with my fucking car running.

It's my biggest fear. While it was about 20 degrees outside and I only had like a t-shirt on. So I sat there for like 10 minutes and I was like, what the fuck do I do? Like, I don't know what the fuck to do. So I picked up a rock off the ground and just smashed my back window oh and unlocked my car if you don't fuck with me or like if we don't get along if we don't vibe like that it's something wrong with you because listen i vibe with everybody anyone be me 100 no no i smoked weed one time i hit a bong Jesus The fucker hit me back

I swear to god Down the street Down the street Which street Not too far away from here Probably about 30 minutes down the street Which street was it It was in Pittsburgh I think

Oh I just snotted all over the mic Oh love it My nose is running Which street was it? It was in Pittsburgh, I think. Oh, I just snotted all over the mic. Oh, I love it. My nose is running. Oh, Walker, Walker. All right, if you can snot on the mic, I can put the entire mic in my mouth. I've been trying to get you to do that the whole fucking time.

I'm sorry about that. Jesus. Oh, fuck, that's not going to look good. Oh, my. That's not going to look good for me. I've got a wild story. There's someone I know that would steal um steal like 24 packs from the store and then dump them out in the parking lot and go return them and get the money

for them and then go buy wheat you know what aj aj i'm not i feel like i've really been coming after you no you have bro you have you're lucky i can handle that shit. Come on. You know what you kind of look like? What? Oh, God. Don't you fucking say something off Toy Story. I'm about to piss me off. Have you ever seen Men in Black 2? Don't say like a serpent or some stupid ass shit.

You look like the little thangs that try to, you know, the little like, Jay! When they all come in and they're freaking out. Kenzie's pulling it up on the screen. Shut the fuck up. Men in Black 2, little aliens. Do little aliens. So I look like an alien. Maybe.

We're about to find out. Oh, baby! Tell me that's not... To the left, to We're about to find out. Oh, my God. Oh, baby. Tell me that's not. To the left, to the left, to the left. That one. Sorry, I'm not fucking. Holy fuck, dude.

Jesus. Okay. Walker, you're fucked up. Oh, no. Big 25-year-old fat piece of shit. Big 25-year-old fat piece of shit shit he's got no dreams and he's not unique some call him that piece of shit smith all right hell yeah one time in the college i over 70 hot dogs in a two month period of time i shit because they were like 98 depressed no i was

living my best life i used to work in a restaurant and one of the most interesting things i saw as a bus boy was uh we had to clean the bathrooms at the end of our shift and i walked into i knocked on the ladies bathroom didn't hear anything so i walked in it was like a single user bathroom there was a woman completely naked except for like four inch tall high heels on the toilet. Wait, you walked in when she was in there naked? Well, she was on the toilet. But she was just, she had take, because like I guess she was wearing like a, I don't know, a dress that you had to take off to, you know. So she was completely naked on the toilet except for her high heels.

And I just like looked at her and I looked away and I was like, oh my God, I'm her high heels And I just like looked at her And I looked away And I was like oh my god I'm so sorry And I just like ran out and shut the door Is that a hoe bath? I think that was just a hoe taking a shit Okay That's different though

That's different then That was different I'm Marco from Michigan I'm a barber I barb shit So I'm you know Michigan. I'm a barber. I barb shit. You barb shit? So I'm, you know, pants on the floor, peeing in the urinal. He steps up to the urinal beside me and starts peeing.

And he looks over at me. He's like, you want to see something cool? Oh, no. That's never what you want to hear at the urinal. And this dude, without continuous stream, backs up all the way across the bathroom. he's peeing i'm not kidding you it's arcing like a solid 15 feet and he was nailing it dude steph curry i swear to god and i'm sitting there pants around my ankles like i literally was like oh my god that's awesome most of the shit I can't really speak on I guess fucking mid pod would you send in a snapchat snapchat to

you behind the scenes snapchat I'll post behind the scene. You're in the scene. You're not behind the scenes. You are the fucking scene, idiot. I'm trying to go crazy for the Snapchat viewers, bro. Oh, my God. Hold on. What was Big Black's name on Robin Big? His stripper name. They called him Black Lavender or what was it? Y'all know?

I got no clue. You don't remember? Mm-mm. Babe, wasn't it? I think it's Black Lavender and Bobby Light. Hey, Bobby Light gonna do you right If you know you know She a dirty girl

She a dirty girl He was shining that flashlight That shit was funny Oh you're talking about me huh You're talking about Connor fucking McGregor huh Fuck you buddy Don't be such a slag.

Walker's fucking Irish accent is fine. If you had a chance to change your fate, would you? When I was taking a number two, I would take every article of clothing off when I was taking a shit. Not my socks. Everything. Until I was about 10 years old. I'm at school in the school bathroom

butt ass naked. I swear on my life. I'm in the stall hanging up my clothes so nobody saw them on the floor. My granddad was wearing these little short khaki shorts, and I was helping him get out of the car.

And I was maybe 10 to 12, and I reached out and grabbed his hand, and I pulled him out of the car. Before you finished, did he have leather seats, or were they cloth? I think they were leather. That'll become apparent. He peeled them.

So, yeah, I pulled him off, and he got about a foot off the seat, and then I saw his nutsack peel off the chair and literally, like, retract into his shorts. And I was so fucking shocked. Dude, it, like. Walker, that's, I'm very sorry. And I was so fucking shocked. Dude. Walker, I'm very sorry you had to witness that. We had a long bender. A big one.

A bender isn't over yet. A bender's not done. It was the start of the bender. It's technically bending. You're bending during the bender. Dude, that's fire. We're bending right now. I've been bent. We're currently been bent we're currently bending you're literally about the break but you're like you're bending i was like fucking eventually we're a bunch of

fucking we're a bunch of beer benders that's sick this is me and my ex-girlfriend's dog i guess if we really want to talk about this um and yeah we got them and we kind of raised them together they basically they have shared custody but walker's like the piece of shit father that's only in the picture every like six months. On holidays. Listen. We last saw him at Christmas. There's a big pile of dog shit or a hug from your father. Do you step in the dog shit or hug your father?

I would say line me up a plate a fork a knife and i'm eating that dog shit before i touch that motherfucker you're eating it we just had to step in it bro oh shit he just really wanted to show commitment he really sorry my dad i was doing community service one time and i had to go to a elementary school this was middle school i went to an elementary school and i would read middle school. I went to an elementary school. And I would read to kids and pull specific kids and help them with their math or whatever. And I pulled this one guy. And I was reading his name off the sheet. And I was like, oh, fuck.

There's no way that's right. Is there a Jesus here? No way. And he came up and he was like, my name's Jesus. And I was like, oh, fuck. Okay. Marco, we got Marco on rare form here. Marco is here with four and a half white people.

Who's that? Oh, yeah. That's hilarious. There was one play. Like, I was wide open for the tackle. And, like, I was able to tackle the guy downfield. But I was just reaching for something. And it was the running back.

And I, like, wrapped my arm around the back of his legs. And I ended up grabbing his dick. You're like, I'm not letting go. Yeah, dude. Like, yeah, I was like, oh. I just had to yank it. I just keep yanking it. Yeah.

Come on, pull down. So I just jerked this guy off. You're soft. All right, I got, I'm, let me chill. Let me chill. Just have this on. If you want to shut up. I gotta be nice.

30 minutes ago. He makes it hard. He makes it fucking hard. I know, I know. Sometimes he just says like the dumb shit. Sometimes I just want to fucking hit him in the face. Boy, if you want to shut your tender dick ass up. Tender dick? Tender dick? Why is my dick tender? You know face. Boy, if you want to shut your tender dick ass up. Tender dick?

Why is my dick tender? You know why. Oh, that, that, that. What's done in the dark will come to the light. What? I haven't had fast food in a minute besides my rogue cookout orders and shit. Hey, that's good, man. I'm proud of you.

Cookout ain't even fast food if you order the right shit. Hasn't had fast food in a minute, but I've personally witnessed him have Chipotle twice within the last eight days, Chick-fil-A one of the days, and a cookout tray. Within the last eight days, those have been your lunch orders. Just so you know. McDonald's is only fast food in my eyes. Austin comes to me with the give them the rhino with the rat like you know the rhino like riding like a tiger with like a rpg on it type gas station pills like just like the dirtiest shit

you could find and he was like let's take him so we both take two and then he takes another one and he leaves and i end up puking them both up because I just feel like absolute trash. And Austin, I think, transcended his body and went to a different plane. AJ comes to me the other day. He's like, you ever had a finger in your ass? I was like, oh, yeah. What kind of question is that? I mean, yeah. What kind of question is that? Bitch ain't never been to the doctor.

I mean, yeah, but what? It's only a blowjob if you're a sex worker. If you're not, it's a blow hobby. Shut up. What do you think about that? Yeah. I think it's kind of neat. A blow hobby, yeah.

What about some dude comes up and slaps your girl's ass in the club? Yeah, let's go with that. That's better. You know what I do? Slapping the ass is crazy. I'd walk up to him, I'd grab his face, and I'd start aggressively making out with him. And he'd try to push himself away. And I'm just sticking my tongue so far down his fucking throat.

And I finally pull him away, and I'm just holding his head like this in my hands. And I spit on him. And you're like, how does it feel to have something done to you that you didn't ask for, bitch? I like, I'm writing that down. Fuck yeah. That first night, I was feeling like a 70 year old man type shit.

When you don't work those muscles ever, that first time you go out. No, I slammed. It was from a slam. I like heard some cracks. I'm sure it was a little column A, a little column slammed. It was from a slam. I like heard some crack. I'm sure it was a little column A, a little column B. A little column C too. What's column C?

Where you just fucking don't do that type of shit on daily. I thought that was column A. That was literally column A. Oh, my fault. My Excel sheet's all fucked up. I'll send you the updated version. My formulas are fucked up, bud.

My grandfather, who's, you know, RIP the legend. A real one. What he would do, he would get like a Easter card from somebody. And he'd cross out Easter. He'd write in Christmas. He'd cross out the note to himself. He'd write in, Merry Christmas, Walker. I love you.

Charlie. Dude, that's hilarious. Send it down for Christmas. That's fire. Every time I got a card from him and it was like, you know, birthday, Christmas, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It has like four X's. Every time was crossed out, was in the holiday. It was crossed out and it was always addressed to him originally.

Dude, that's legendary. What is the worst thing you can say to a girl when you're about to cum? AJ, go. Fucking, you're so beautiful. Austin? I don't know if this is the worst But I've done it a lot of times And I didn't mean it

I love you I'm about to blow I got one My cock is so hard Jesus Christ AJ Imagine a Big Mac in my hand Leaking down my arm The hawk is so hard. Jesus Christ. AJ. Imagine a Big Mac in my hand leaking down my arm.

That first bite's going to hit. I literally just smashed the whole thing into my face. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, dude. You have so much lettuce in the fucking devil's ass. Where you take your hands off the wheel so you can catch the shit that's falling on your lap. Walker, what the fuck? Almost all these plants are toxic to humans. Are you shitting me? You take your hands off the wheel so you can catch the shit that's falling on your lap. Walker, what the- Almost all these plants are toxic to humans. Are you shitting me?

No. You've been filling our home with toxins? Yeah, that's why I'm so worried about getting a cat or something. That cat's going to die immediately if it eats one leaf. Did you not think it was slightly important okay slightly important to tell your roommate that he shouldn't eat any of the plants or he might die you didn't think that might be smart i covered the important ones what the fuck you talking about you covered them i didn't cover anything i got a funny story about the whole ipa thing austin got me something similar

for um some occasion and it was my birthday he got me. He got me something similar to that. I was like, one of them said, India Pale Ale. I was like, I'm going to save that one for last. I don't know what it is. I don't want no shit from India. No, no.

I'm like, I don't know what it is. Yeah, so anyways, this dude really got on my nerves one day. He's's like i told him i'm not snapping anymore and he's like yeah you are he's like pick up the ball and so i kicked the ball and he was like all right get get off my fucking field and i was just like okay and i take my helmet off i slam it on the ground i take my jersey off drop it take my shoulder pads off drop them i have my undershirt on take my undershirt off take that off kick off

the shoes they gave me with the cleats take off my uh pants take off my girdle and i walk back to the locker room with my tighty whities on that's fucking hilarious full out yard sale on the practice you're like fuck this shit i'm out and i just walked off like this you may wonder why austin has a wife beater on for anyone watching on youtube and uh we're just we're kind of just trying out new fits man like the wife beater was wait do people still call them that i don't know there's probably a more pc term the beater the beater was cool at one point. That's way better. The beater was cool at one point. The spouse beater. Walker, it's your number one goal to just be as controversial as possible lately.

Can you explain to the audience why you have been doing this? Because the Facebook numbers are exploding. I think it's solely due to my alt-right views now. Okay. Yeah. Blue balls are fake. It's a thing guys tell girls to make them feel bad and try to have sex with them.

I've never had them personally. I thought I'd drop a little knowledge for you. That's fact, so Walker, thank you, because I stand by that too. I don't think that's entirely true. I don't think blue balls are fake. Never mind. All you weird-ass dudes out here

fucking trying to kiss. Oh, no, fuck me. My balls hurt. Weird ass bitch. If you don't go away. Where my hug looking at? Yeah. Where my hug at?

Where's my relief at? Put me in the game, coach. Coach, can I get, bring your ass back. Could you imagine eating a prison meal bro for real like non-commissary just straight up what they gave you from the from the kitchen have you seen that shit i would i want to try it really bad bro i don't even want to try it i have a friend that's gonna have to serve some time at some point in their life i just know that they will and they were like yeah is it me and they're like yeah when i have to serve this time i'm probably not gonna eat the prison food i'm like what the fuck are you doing bro like you gotta try it get the full experience take a dick in the butt like drop the soap idiot like do all the

things that you're supposed to do in prison bite the pillow let someone go and dry like what are we here for going in dry we're not here for a long time we're here for a good time what the fuck is wrong with you what are you smiling at walker what's got you smiling like that today i think i think he just keeps looking at me smiling just giving off a vibe man we we love it honestly you're i'm dude you definitely fuck right now like you look slutty and it's you do I look like you shouldn't touch me or you might catch something. You look like you have an STD active. Yes, exactly.

I couldn't have said it better myself. My mom has cut my hair forever, and she always will, because my mom doesn't fucking miss. All right, boys? She doesn't fucking miss. I hear you. When she cuts my hair, she doesn't miss. So why would I go anywhere else? I've been made fun of. Oh, mommy still cut your hair. Yeah my hair she doesn't miss so why would i go anywhere else i've been

made fun of oh mommy still cut your hair yeah because she doesn't fucking miss walker one day though and like i've never made fun of you for that i know but i'm going to start if it's you fucking well guess what right she doesn't fucking miss when you go on vacation there's this eerie feeling you get because you're like, I'm somewhere no one knows. I know you're kind of from the area, right? Yeah, no consequences. But still, yeah, there's no consequences. It's like I get to go home after this.

You feel invincible. You're like, I'm never going to see these people again. Who gives a fuck? You feel invincible when you're out of town. We've been acting invincible while I live here, but I just don't give a fuck austin to the transitive effect you know it's very powerful i'm like we're on vacation yeah yeah he lives three minutes i get on a in a strange city and just say a bunch of horrible shit to women on hinge and tinder and stuff and it's like i'm not gonna stay here very long you know it's not problem, that lasting psychological damage.

Ruin a couple girls' self-esteem, but I don't live there, so it's fine. I'm not with him. How did you leave your last job? I left on my lunch break. He literally left on his lunch break. No, no, no, I lied. I finished up with a customer and just left. He just walked out and never looked back.

The manager was in the back room and i know she didn't know i left and like i'm sure like she probably came out on the floor like probably five minutes after i left like like oh he must have ran to his car or something you guys know where aj went and this was a store with like seven people in it so like if someone leaves like you know if someone leaves i just dis i disappeared just ghosted and fucking just blocked all their numbers as i was pulling out pulling out of the driveway or the parking lot because i know they'd um you really fucking burned that bridge didn't you buddy but yeah i just i just walked out that bitch and and blocked them all and just and just left that shit's like the funniest story that's some real

g shit you said i'm done with this shit shit. I'm done with this shit right now. I literally finished up with the customer. I said, yeah, I'm gonna walk out with you, bro. Austin officially joined the Scumbag Fuck Club. Okay, that's fucked up. And I am a member of the Scumbag Fuck Club. And that is where you make

a girl in a different city. Not make. Not make. But for all intents and purposes, make a girl in a different city. Not make. Make is a strong word. Not make. But for all intents and purposes, make a girl from a different city drive to your house in the middle of the night and have her leave by the next morning with no hurt feelings on either side. Okay, this is complete horse shit by the way you phrased it. No hurt feelings on either side. Yeah, you're correct. 100%. But it's kind of bullshit the way that you phrased it.

Scumbag fuck club? I think that's so funny. Scumbag fuck club? I think that's so funny. Scumbag fuck club. I had a buddy in high school that he got a girl pregnant. He got his girl pregnant. And when it came time to take her to the hospital, she went into labor, he pulls up at my house. It's just him. He gets out of the car.

He's like, Lane, Lane, the car he's like he's like lane lane the baby's coming i'm like oh shit like do you need my help like what are you doing like why are you here he's like oh no we're good we're waiting on my mom and then we're driving to the hospital i was like why'd you come here he was like i had to tell you bro i was like do you need anything he's like nah man bye just fucking left i was like you're tri need anything? He's like, nah, man, bye. I just fucking left. I was like, you're tripping right now. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I'm demeaning your anxiety thing. I suffer from anxiety too a lot.

I was trying to minimize it maybe to not embarrass you. But if you want to talk, it is a thing. You're not going to make fun of my disability, and I'm just going to put up with it. Absolutely. But, dude, we share the same disability you know autism and anxiety i'm not i'm not letting hold on what'd you say if homeless people were honest with me i would give so much more money when's the last time a homeless person was like i want to go buy crack like literally dude i will fund your drug habit but don't give me this sob story about how

you and your brother are trying to go see your dad like bitch i know you don't have a dad that's how you ended up in this situation okay like incense is exclusively a thing for people who smoke weed and girls whose pussy smell who are all natural yeah all. All natural, you know. All natural. Oh, I use deodorant without aluminum. No, you fucking stink. That's what happens. Listen, give me Alzheimer's when I'm old, okay? My grandma died of that. It's a horrible disease.

I will take that over having fucking smelly pits like some of these clowns I find out there. I think I have a sugar high. I feel kind of weird. How many donuts you got left? How many donuts? What's your donut counter at? Whose nose is whistling? I'm three down.

Fucking AJ's wheezing over here. Is it me? I'm shorted. I got SOB, dog. You're shorted for breath. Dude, you should not be eating 10 donuts right now. You have to raise a child. People by themselves, boys especially, between the ages of like 8 and 14

they're mostly normal if you get them in a group of more than three they turn into absolute like serial killer psychopaths bro it's crazy it's pretty sick i remember in middle school they're invincible mob mentality baby this girl had like her locker next to me, mine, and she caught me when I wasn't around my boys at the time, and she was like, wow, you're not nearly as mean when you weren't around those guys. And I was like, oh, fuck. You really called

me out. And I started acting more mean just to be an asshole. I'll show you, bitch. I've never fully bawled in front of the boys. One time, I think you did. Just to be an asshole. I'll show you, bitch. Oh, yeah, dude. I've never fully, like, bawled in front of the boys. One time, I think you did. When?

When your friend passed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There are also shit faces. Shut the fuck up, motherfucker. See, it's always, like, fucking some bullshit. Dude, let it out. He always is a smiley face.

Like, he's about to cry right now, but he's smiling. I a meme on the aj hard let a tear fall baby oh no no it's fine tighten up bro i use a thesaurus weekly oh what a thesaurus do you know what a thesaurus is? Sounds like a fucking dinosaur. Synonyms and antonyms, you cretin. Buddy pulled out a dinosaur fucking verb. A dinosaur? It's a thesaurus, bro. A thesaurus rex. The next episode, season two of the Always Laugh podcast, will be dropping October 10th. So be ready because shit's going to get wild.

Shit's going to be fun. You guys should enjoy it. Thank you all for watching another episode of the Always Laugh Podcast. Like I said, my name's Austin Lane. Like I said, season two is dropping in a week. October 10th. Let's get it. We out.