Always Laugh Podcast - Pod #5 - Austin Convinced His Parents He Didn't Know How to Read

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

This episode we talk Aj's hot takes, not being able to read, giving money to homeless people, and much more. Hosted By: Austin Lane (@austinlane_fit), AJ Allen (@ajnotalex), and Walker Smith Subscribe to our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYNegdIXrzsdQxLPjeWsKww Follow us on all socials @alwayslaughpodcast

You didn't have a toothbrush, bro. Motherfucker smelled like strippers and cheap liquor. Shout out Lexi and Anna. Welcome back to the Always Laugh Podcast. My name's Austin Lane. My name's AJ. I am Walker. It's only four inches, but it smells like a foot.

He's been waiting all fucking day to say that. Literally all fucking day. That is fucking funny. Is that like original? No, absolutely not. Okay. Hold on. Can I say something?

That's funny as fuck, though. Number one podcast you've never heard of before. We back. What is this? Episode five? Now we're two for five. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. My bad. I almost fucked you up on that one. No, I had it. I had it.

It was locked in the back of your head. I had. I didn't even hear what you said Walker Say that again I was like in my head I'm like don't forget to say it It was like the monkey banging cymbal No what did you say for real I'm not repeating it Listen to the podcast if you want to hear it I heard something about 4 inches

Smells like a foot or some shit like that Then there it is you just nailed it I don't get it bro it's only four inches but it smells like a foot okay i don't know it's all right dude moving on aj scraped was funny bro oh shit i was about to say i think i have shout out to jay hey hold on no shout out to jared for my senior year but if you know you know nobody knows they do nobody knows they do like people on the podcast don't know oh i just first and name first and last name dropped him shout out to jared bro senior year if you know you want me to don't listen to that please bro i don't i don't need no i'm not i'm not a fed bro i was about to go on this whole rant about how i think i have CTE. Was that one of the gangsters you used to run with? No,

I was just, um, I used to go to the bathroom and purchase something from them. That doesn't sound sketchy. Awesome. Moving on, what were you saying? Sorry I interrupted you. No, yeah, you're good. I was just saying I was about to go on this whole rant about how I think I potentially

have CTE. You wouldn't even play sports. Buddy, I played a couple of sports. I've had a lot of head trauma in my day. You was on the bench. But based on about the last two minutes of AJ speaking, I think AJ might be the one on the podcast with CTE. Buddy doesn't make a bunch of sense most of the time.

Awesome. Can't even drink his drink. We have a little protection up top. AJ, it's just bare skull. Yeah, he's taking it straight to the noggin. Oh, AJ, do you mind taking your hat off while you're in my house? Oh, you don't mind? Dude, what do you mean no?

Yeah, take it off. I just had a fucking medical emergency over here. Did you shit your pants? No, I spilled on myself, bro. How? The first drink of the twee is dangerous, bro. I didn't tip it back all the way. The first drink of the second twee.

AJ had his pregame because AJ, he doesn't want to admit this, but he gets a little nervous for the podcast. He likes to have a twee before so he can loosen up a little bit. And then he drinks a twee during, and I don't think it's helping. In a pernicious after, just for the boys. That's just for the boys. No, Walker, but seriously, I think I legitimately have CTE. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

Most of the time, my brain doesn't function the way that it used to function, and it's kind of starting to scare me. When did you used to? When was this highly functioning austin we uh this mythical creature we keep talking about um i was functioning pretty properly around maybe three years ago three years ago i think it's the freaking alcohol bro i don't even drink like that shut the fuck up i don't are you are you having a um he's having a fucking post bender uh realization after his weekend and now he's like i want to be sober and uh all this other shit nah besides the literal twisted tea in his hand

well i mean it's for the pod this doesn't count as drinking it's the podcast hey do that it's wine in a coffee cup it doesn't count as drinking. It's the podcast. Hey, do that voice. That does not count as drinking. It's wine in a coffee cup. It doesn't count. What voice? You know the voice. What? The one I was having with you earlier. What?

Oh, uh, fucking, uh, what's his name? Yeah. I can't do it right now. Come on, man. I can't even remember what I was saying earlier. I can't remember what it was. Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear that voice.

I do. I'm on your podcast. Well Well it's not about you buddy It's about the listeners I think that was the most Fuck off Fire 30 seconds Of the podcast we've ever done Really

You and AJ debating Whether or not to do a voice And then never Nobody ever hears the voice Yeah Yeah I agree That's fire Pretty entertaining

Oh So I've got a couple questions For you guys Oh baby I went all the way upside down With it That's kind of sick. Oh, man.

You're getting off the rails early. My bad, dog. What's the question? Austin, on a scale from Sunday school to born sinner, describe your weekend. Oh, fuck. Yeah, definitely. I'm 100 100 born sinner um most of the shit i can't really speak on i guess you're bitten fucking mid pod what who you sending the snapchat snapchat to your girl

it's the behind the scenes snapchat i'll post it you can't do it behind the scenes during the you're in the scene you're not behind the scenes. You are the fucking scene, idiot. I'm trying to go crazy for the Snapchat viewers, bro. Oh, my God. He said behind the scenes. Hey, if you didn't think our podcast was boring as shit before, imagine watching it while it's happening on Snapchat.

What, bro? You guys are lame. Open your mind to new shit, bro. AJ, close your mind to some shit. I beg you. I beg you, dude. Damn. I don't want to come strong at you like that.

No, you ain't coming. AJ, when you pull out your phone and do a selfie during the podcast. It was a video. Yeah, I'm yelling. video yeah video whatever you want to fucking call it i have a right given to me by the founding fathers to trash you for like 30 seconds all right all right that's i'm trying to look listen you gotta hear my logic behind it it was just a little snippet that's the logic it was a little snippet bro a little do you typically have a logic behind any of the things you do all day every day really

yeah yeah what's a nangate yeah what's a nangate i don't fucking idiot you're a fucking idiot we everybody else knows what that is for sure i would would explain it. All 36 listeners. We're up to 36 people smarter than AJ now in the world. So AJ's actually pretty smart. Yeah. You guys are fucking dogging me right now. Anyway, back to what we were talking about. I wouldn't say I'm about to leave, but they wouldn't care. Yeah, no.

You can leave if you want. Born sinner. Fucking, yeah, it was bad. It was a bad one. It was a doozy um had a lot of fun came back and probably slept for about 18 hours straight um easily it was tough it was a rough one i was worried that walker was worrying about me so i was trying to like put a smile on my face half the time he wasn't worried all right You're a weekend warrior, man.

No, it's like one of those things, you know, the first time they come back, you're worried. The thousandth time, it's like, he'll probably make it. I've seen this before. He'll be all right. Who'd you go with, yourself? I made a little solo mission there, but then I ended up with Walker's sister and her... Shout her out. Pal? Oh, God.

Girlfriend? Do I say girlfriend? A strong black woman. I didn't know if it was my business. I didn't know if it was my business to talk about. Well, never mind. All right. Walker, where the fuck are you going?

Fucking, you leaving us buddy Come back Sorry I was trying to get Some of my drinks We need our We need our clip machine We need our clip machine You and Wheezy's girlfriend

Yeah Wheezy and myself And Wheezy's girlfriend Kara We all Rode back together They met us up there Congrats on middle school Middle

Congrats on middle school Congrats on Graduating middle school Medical school And medical school Congrats on middle school. Congrats on middle school. Congrats on graduating middle school. Medical school. And medical school. Congrats on medical school. She graduated medical school?

She got in. Oh, interesting. Where at? Dude, my brain's moving a thousand miles a minute. I don't know what the heck. Oh, my God. Can we talk about something real quick? Real quick. I'm going to get some hate for this.

I don't even care.... Oh, my God. Can we talk about something real quick? Real quick. I'm going to get some hate for this. I don't even care. I'm sick and tired. I've been preaching this for years. Look, Kenzie knows what I'm about to say, I think. I'm sick and tired. Look, I understand it's a big accomplishment. I'm not downplaying the work and everything you got to put in to get this accomplishment. I'm not downplaying.

I'm going to say that right now. Kenzie's trying to get him to stop, but he won't stop. But, bro. Famous last words. But, bro. Let's hear it. Someone says, i'm not down i'm gonna say that right now kenzie's trying to get him to stop but he won't stop but bro famous last words but bro let's hear it someone says i'm not downplaying i'm not downplaying the work they put in but bro when when you um what is it when you pass the uh the nursing test or you and you get accepted into nursing school or whatever the fuck what is it called like the the gre or something they have whole ass photo shoots bro like that like they didn't graduate in college buddy you know for a fact if you graduated anything in your life you would have done a full ass i'm saying bro i'm sick and tired of it bro i'm just saying i'm sick and tired of it shout out to grandma sue she's the only one in the medical field that aj hit up that night school. You don't have to live like this anymore.

That's just my opinion, bro. I can be wrong. I could be wrong. It's fine. I'm just sick and tired of the photo shoots. I'm sick and tired of the photo shoots. Why? They're just trying to show off their accomplishments.

You don't see no one else doing that. Kenzie, or whatever. I'm not going to say. Except every person who graduates college or high school ever. I'm saying, but a kenzie or whatever i'm not gonna say every person who graduates college or high school i'm saying but a certain like test or whatever like oh you passed your fucking um your whatever you engineering so like but like so i i don't know what goes into the gre but like if you pass the bar or like i actually don't know if it's called the gre so don't quote me the n-clic or something like that. The NCLEX.

The NCLEX. Hey, call up Sue real quick. I'm just tired of it, bro. I will. I understand it's a big thing, but you don't see no other major doing that. Bro, if you're in engineering and you try to get your FE, you have to study for like two or three years for that. That's a quick accomplishment i think you're just hating on nurses because they're women and you're a woman

hater aj is a famous woman that's messed up nursing and there's an incredible hey grandma um we're on the podcast right now we're live so if you don't want to be uh heard on camera then we can stop this phone call but we just had a quick question for you. Sarah, I love you. Yeah. Quick question. I heard Walker. What is the test called after you, what is it, like your nursing test or whatever? I don't know.

I don't know the best way to. NCLEX. NCLEX. Oh, Kenzie was right. All right, cool. Nice. Is that all you needed? Yeah, that's pretty much our only question.

Yeah, tell her why we're calling her. I seen a little clip today of that pod about, it was just a little blurb. AJ's like, yeah. Keep in mind you're live, Sue. Oh, you saw us talking about your butt? Well, that was all I see. I'm like, oh, God damn it. You made the pod, Grandma Sue. All right, Grandma, love you. We'll talk to you soon. Oh, wait, oh, God damn it. You made the pod, Grandma Sue. All right, Grandma, love you.

We'll talk to you soon. Oh, wait, Walker wants to say something. Hey, Sue, Sue. Hey, Walker. Are we still on for our nightly phone call? Sure. Yeah, anytime, Walker. I am open.

All right, make sure Mark's not in the house this time. All right, love you, Mama. That was my grandmother that walker is currently flirting with hey when you know you know i stand by what i say i'm sick and tired of aj that was a dumb ass opinion i'm gonna be completely honest with you i completely disagree with your opinion that's fine bro what what you don't want to see their pictures just scroll past them i'm saying don't look at them they're excited about doing something big i know i know thank you for being uh fucking thank you for working through the pandemic you're a real would you say that this is this podcast is the biggest thing you've ever done

100 okay and how much do we post about that every motherfucking day non-stop this ain't my fucking nine to five buddy oh i didn't or hold on how am i supposed how am i trying to say this um i okay not that i have no i don't know i'm just gonna stop all right yeah let's just move on to issue an apology to bedside nurses because there is a shortage and if you are in the hospital, you'll be fucking sad. I'm saying, that's why I said. AJ, issue your apology. I don't totally disagree. God damn it. No, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me tell you all a story real quick. Can I just say one final statement? No. It might have just been the nurses who I was friends with on the internet that became nurses, and I was like, I'm sick and tired of y'all posting this stupid ass nurse and shit. Like, I'm sick and tired of it, bro. You don't need a full 30 picture photo session for you. AJ, fucking drop it.

You do. That's a huge moment in your life. You didn't see me posting old pictures when I fucking passed the Foot Locker fucking assistant manager test. I know because for some reason you didn't want to share that with the world. That would have been the highlight of your life. I would have commented. I would have liked and commented. And I still didn't get the job.

I would have liked one of your posts for the first time. No, you just got fired from it for fucking discount fraud. Fuck. If you want to hear AJ's discount fraud story, you can reference Always Podcast number four. Always Laugh Podcast. Did I say Always Podcast? Yeah. Redacted alert over here.

Always Laugh Podcast number four. AJ gets fired for discount fraud. So, AJ. Yeah. Yeah, Walker? You know. forget it. I'll talk for him because I'm tired of hearing his fucking voice. Nothing?

Okay. Yeah, nothing. If you want to talk to AJ, just go through me because... Go through my assistant. All right, chill out. Fact? Chill out. AJ, you did have him working for you when y'all were in Charlotte.

That's true. I was your assistant in Charlotte. I was more like your bitch. He was my bitch. That's what I was about to say. Sat there. I paid his way. He was such your bitch that you stole his clothes and his toothbrush.

And I still showed up to work. He just had to deal with it. Yeah, he just had to keep coming to work. It smelled like alcohol and liquor. Oh, yeah. He didn't have a toothbrush, bro. Motherfucker smelled like strippers and cheap liquor. Shout out Lexi and Anna.

Don't do that. God. Don't do Anna or Lexi like that. That's my sister. Don't do that. Hey, bleep that. Those are my sisters. No, keep it.

Lexi and Anna, don't listen to this. That's that AJ. That's that sister. Don't do that. Hey, bleep that. Those are my sisters. No, keep it. Lexi and Anna, don't listen to this. That's that AJ. That's that AJ right there. No, they only watch the clips, bro. And they're like, yeah, we watched the whole episode. And you'd be like, all right, say something that wasn't in a clip. And they're like, uh, uh, uh, uh. To be honest, I don't remember what we ever talk about.

So I don't feel them on that. I mean, it is mostly mindless drivel. Yeah. Can we talk about something that I actually do have written down? I'm sorry about the whole nurse thing, my fault. You wrote this one down? AJ did notes part two. That's some shit that's been fucking with me.

Uh-oh, AJ has notes again. Fuck. Let's pull them out. Let's see them. All right, hold on. What you want, the good or the bad? I want the good, then the bad. Yeah, you want the the good or the bad? I want the good, then the bad. Yeah, you want the good news or the bad news?

I'm tired. Hold on. Okay, hold on. I got a question for you guys. I got a question for you guys. I got a question for you guys. You're such a gifted presenter. All right, let's hear it.

Let's hear it. All right, the question is, do you think you have FOMO or FOBI, F-O-B-I, fear of being included or fear of missing out? Fear of being excluded? Included. Like, do you have, like... Like, you don't want to be included? Like, if there's a big party going on and you're just sitting there like, man, I'm hoping

they don't invite me. I'd rather stay at the house type shit. Like, I don't want to go. Definitely 100% FOMO. I can't miss anything. To be honest, I got FOMO. I'm a shitter right now. Y'all both got FOMO. You got FOB? Oh, you got FOB. I knew it. FOB. I knew it.

Walker has FOB. I have FOMO. I think I have both. Balance each other out. It's like I want to go so bad, but I'm like, please don't hit me up. Please don't. I can't go. Me and Austin's relationship is nothing but Austin inviting me to things and Walker declining himself to my own things

yeah and it just happens yeah like we're just with each other all the time because I don't give Walker a choice he tries to ditch me and I'm like fuck no I'm hanging out with you right now yeah definitely FOMO I said I can't be pretty sure i have both

kenzie you got fomo or phobia right fear i'm like a good in between lame answer is that possible no that's lame as fuck no i hope you don't invite me but if i'm not there i'm gonna have fomo so like what is no i think i think i'm more like heavy on the fomo side because i like i FOMO on his damn podcast. I said I can't believe they're doing a pie without Kenzie. I do not have phobia in the slightest. If I miss out, I'm pissed. It's true.

You do not like to not be included. Do you want to hear what I have next? No, no. All right. I'm taking the fucking reins. I've been thinking about this for a while. And, you know, I was headed to work today again. Again.

And you know who's behind me? A fucking 2016 Ford F-150 whose LED headlights were right in my fucking eyes so I had to flip the thing. If you have a truck and you're a normal person, you're a dumbass. You know what I'm saying? You're a dumbass. There's a couple reasons why. Especially a truck after 2010. I want one bad. I know, because you're a dumbass.

No, I'm not. You're a dumbass. Okay, you're doing actual blue collar work. Big buddy. Thank you. So that's fine. Blue collar guy right here. My first argument against trucks.

I've got a thing pulled up on the screen. Trucks have a way larger blind spot, especially in front of them with the new version of trucks they're putting out. Kenzie, keep scrolling. Aren't they saying something with Ford? Keep scrolling. Keep scrolling. Remember those...

Alright, that. Go back. That is a new Ford F-150 or Ford Rat Ranger. Who gives a fuck? They're all ugly as shit and you're fucking stupid if you own one. Next to a 2010. Look how much bigger that truck is. Shut the fuck up.

Let him finish his presentation. You're about to piss me off. Kenzie, Kenzie, will you go to the next picture? Shut up, bitch. What you might be thinking is, oh, the truck's so much bigger. You must be able to carry more shit.

No, you fucking don't. The 2015 to 2021, the bed is the smallest it's ever been. The cab is the biggest it's ever been and the truck is bigger than it's ever been. Okay? He has it's ever been in the trucks is bigger than it's

ever been okay you are not buying this shit to carry stuff around you are buying it to pleasure cruise kenzie next slide please pleasure your pleasure cruising baby look at that those are the miles per gallon on average the average or on chevrolet four-wheel drive 16 miles combined my 2004 yukon denali got 16 miles to the gallon this is 2021 kenzie next slide please weight in dimensions so this gets into the next thing a ford f-150 let's go curb weight is between 4 000 and 5 000 pounds already way too much we wonder why our fucking roads are going to shit so fast in america why our infrastructure is crumbling it's because we have a bunch of cars being produced that are way heavier and when the ford 150 lightning comes out which is the version, the minimum curb weight is 6,000 pounds.

God damn. Is that a tax write-off for the rich? I'm sure it is. That's why all those redacteds buy them. Kev, next slide, please. Oh, wait, that previous slide. Go back a couple. Go to number two, please.

Can I say something really, really fast? These cars are so tall, they have to install cameras in front because you now have a front blind zone. Next picture, please. Walker, you are editing this part of the goddamn podcast. Look at this shit.

You have 12 children in front of that truck and she can't see them. I saw this on the news. Is that 12 total? Yes. Orange is not 12. That's like 10. Three, six. No, that's 12, baby. Nine. Is that 12? Yes. Or it's not 12. That's like 10. 3, 6.

No, that's 12, baby. Oh, what? 2, 4, 6, 10. 9. That's 10. Can anybody count? Next picture, please, Kenzie. That's 11, bro.

I'm on a roll here. I'm on a roll here. This is the- Ford Raptor. The front bumper camera. So, to wrap this up in a nice little way, Kenzie, go to the next slide. I want to see if I got anything else. Nah, I got nothing else.

If you own a truck past 2010 and you don't actively work on a job site or as a constructor or as a contractor or whatever the fuck you call it, you dumbass. I'm not going to lie to you i'm probably

gonna own a truck past 2010 relatively soon so i apologize to your hold on walker so you're saying like if you own a truck and you're pulling into like if you're pulling in to go work at food line type shit like what the fuck are you doing bro why you got a truck there's there could be 12 kids in front you got a truck you are buying a truck to buy a bed liner but walker how many times living in this house how many times have we needed a truck or wanted a truck or it would have been beneficial to have a truck zero so many goddamn times but you've been i need one right now who owns a business like walker is saying and been able to ask someone who owns a business like Walker is saying and been able to borrow one, no problem. Right, but it's been like multiple times a month thing. It would have been very convenient to just own a truck at that point.

Hey, AJ, pretend you have a new 2022 Ford 150. And you're like a white collar guy, okay? White collar guy, yeah. Hey, AJ. Do you work on a construction site? No, I work at Office Depot. Carry any construction materials in your truck? Nope, just whatever the wife needs from Target.

So why you got a truck? To compensate the size of my dick. Well, there you go. You either have a small penis or a droopy pussy if you own a truck. Jesus Christ. And that's facts. Can I say something real quick? No.

Yes, you can. I'm sorry. I've kind of monopolized the conversation. If you pull up that picture of the two red trucks? I used to have the OG Ford Ranger stick shift. Well, that's the one that Walker was saying acceptable. That's acceptable. The motherfucking stick was this long. Throw that bitch in the car.

No, it was the first car I learned how to drive stick. I remember the first truck I had. AJ, hit us with one of your motherfucking questions. I'm ready. Are you ready? Pull back the list out.'m ready Get the list out Let's hear the question I keep them coming baby

I got them lined up Alright hold on You want to know what I'm sick and tired of What are you sick and tired of Another thing I'm sick and tired of I'm sick and tired of you fuckboys Wearing the Bass Pro Shops hat Bro give it up.

Bro, y'all been wearing them fucking hats for two, three years now. Still don't get no ass. You know the type of guy I'm talking about got the Bass Pro Shop hat on. Bro, give it up. You ain't even been in Cabela's or Bass Pro Shop. Shut up. The guys that wear, you know, their cowboy boots with khakis. Bro, I'm sick and tired of seeing that shit on the internet, bro.

Put them bass pro shops. Get retired and bitches already, or at least get a different style, bro. I'm sick and tired of it. That pissed me off. I don't feel that. Am I that annoying? You take your headphones off? Yeah, you were yelling in my motherfucking ear.

Pop a motherfucking ibuprofen. I'm just kidding, dude. You're not not annoying me my ears just got hot as fuck but okay that's one thing i'm sick and tired of it's a whole different world out here without the headphones on oh no i got another i want to try this out next pod i got another probably not actually i like being in my own world it's fun i don't know if you guys know anyone that's like this but i'm sick and tired of rich people's cards getting declined at stores and shit. I'm sick and tired of it. It'd be the richest motherfuckers who get the,

who's credit cards and shit get to get declined. Do you have an example that pops to mind? On stupid shit. On stupid, it'd be like $13 decline. How? Like, bro,

the dude working at McDonald's is good for $13. Have you guys ever had a card get declined? Like every other time I go to the store. He got a fucked up chip or some shit. I don't know how you get down. One of the worst times I've ever had a card get declined. I swear to God I ain't been declined in five years. AJ.

Oh, God. Quit bragging. That's like a big thing of me. I make sure. Sir, Mr. Card doesn't decline a lot i check my available balance before i swipe in the line it was my first that's my biggest it was my first work trip on this new job and we get up to the hotel and we all pay for our hotel separately but like this one guy reserved all the hotels so the woman i get up there and i was like yeah you

know tell her my name and all that she was like yeah so it's gonna be sixteen hundred dollars I was like might not have that so I pulled out my credit card which I thought I'd put enough money where I paid enough off to pay for this and I swiped it and it declined I just looked at my co-workers and i looked at the girl i was like give me about two minutes and i just transferred some more money over i paid i paid like another hundred dollars off the car she's like nope still still not enough you're like wait wait another hundred still not enough so what it was a uh yeah it was a really great way to start that new job. I did just actually get declined on some random shit the other,

not the other day, but a couple months ago. I can't remember why. So you just lied. You said five years. I just thought of it, but it was the first time in a while. But the thing is, though, I think I had another one ready. I said, it might not go through i got this one though if it don't go through aj are you fried right now you're all right yeah i hate the

fucking butt bro psych smoking marijuana is illegal it's illegal we do not condone we do not condone that on this podcast hell no hell. But if we're in Michigan... Don't fucking smile at me like that, Walker. Pass me that, dude. I have a quick question for you two. What grade did you guys learn how to read? First

kindergarten. Still learning. Your first kindergarten? Same. Kindergarten? We'll just say kindergarten? First kindergarten. What does that mean? Preschool? No, first kindergarten kindergarten you went to kindergarten twice yeah uh-oh i wasn't a very good chair so you didn't get you didn't get held back for not being able to read you got held back for not being able to share yeah pretty good i've had worse problems i guess aj what when'd you learn how to read have you do you even know how to read right now have you learned how to read yet yes i know how to read but now? Have you learned how to read yet? Yes, I know how to read, but I can't remember what fucking grade, bro.

I gave AJ a book seven months ago. He's averaging one page a month. So I learned how to read. I'm not interested in the book, bro. I learned how to read in first grade. I know because you have a taste. But I pretended like I, well, I learned how to read in first grade. But I fucking hated reading with all of

my damn heart. So, I would go home and my parents would be like, oh, your teachers are saying you're doing a terrible job fucking reading books and shit. I'm like, yeah, I know. I don't know how to read. They're like, what the fuck? Sit down for 45 minutes a night and read. So, I'd sit there and pretend like I'm reading.

You know, like, flipping through the pages. They're like, what'd you read about? And I would just, like, kind of make shit up because my fucking parents weren't reading. Like they weren't reading shit either. So they were like, okay, cool, whatever. But I got to second grade and they're like, okay, this motherfucker still doesn't know how to read. I knew how to read. I just, I wasn't good at it.

I will be honest. Like I'm still not good at it, but I pretended like I didn't know how. So I had to start going to special reading classes and i had to go sit down every time it was time to read in school they're like okay time for austin to go it was kind of embarrassing he was definitely afraid of popcorn reading oh i still am 100 in high school i hated that shit in high school so they would pull the special reading class lady would pull me out of class when it was time to read and it was looking back embarrassing as fuck but i thought it was cool at the time because i got to leave class um i ended up going to like this national like fucking reading

convention and uh i got like all these awards and shit i had like my poster up in the hallway at school because i like fucking passed with flying colors. Like they were all the other people out of the water. Yeah. The one that overcame. Yeah. So I pretended like I couldn't read for a lot of years and then, um, fucking got some awards out of it.

So do you guys want to, do you guys want to hear a fun fact about me? Yeah, sure. I was the, one of the best, uh, people in jump rope for heart.

Bro. I remember that we had hoops best people in jump rope for heart. Bro, I remember that. We had hoops for heart and jump rope for heart. I was nice. You could jump over ropes really fucking well. I also had the sit-up record in middle school. Bro, we all had the sit-up record in middle school. Shut up. It was for that one shit.

What's it called? Person fitness. No.. It was for that one shit. What's it called? Like the little. Person fitness. No. It wasn't called that. I think my teacher was lying to me. She said, keep going. Keep going.

I think I. We're going to have to do Yankees with me. Look, I stayed. A bunch of northerners. I stayed into the second class because I wouldn't stop. My period had ended and I'm still there doing sit-ups. We want to hear those sounds one time you move the mic away you're you're quiet no i was going crazy hitting them sit-ups and i was all the way into the next period that she said all right you're done bro you consider yourself a yankee what's that a yankee

like you know like people they call people from like like, the North, like, a Yankee. I thought they called it, like, a yuppie or some shit like that. I heard my man say that. Kenzie, do you consider yourself a Yankee? No, I think that's offensive. When you're in the South, when they say Yankees, they mean that. Dude, let me find out you say your racist shit on the pod, bro. That's not racist. I'm like, no, not New York.

Michigan. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Do you consider people from Michigan Yankees? No. Personally, no, not New York. Michigan. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Do you consider people from Michigan Yankees? No. Personally, no. But I think other North Carolinians do. Hey, does a person from Michigan consider themselves a Yankee? I don't think being a Yankee is a bad thing.

It is. Bro, listen. I think Michigan gets excluded from all that talk. Yeah, we're in the Midwest. In that bum-ass state you're from. Sorry, we ain't from North Hills. You had to come down here. Okay. Drive up talk and shit. Yeah, we're in the Midwest. Because y'all didn't stay in that bum-ass state you're from. Sorry, we ain't from North Hills. You had to come down here. Okay.

Drive up the housing prices. Yeah. Take all our hard-working jobs. I'm going to build a wall and make Michigan pay for it. Shit. No more. We're going to impeach your dumb ass. Yeah.

I'll just run again. What are you going to do about that, bitch? Hey, I'll fucking raid your house. Bitch. You'll raid? Dude, I got a lot of documents in here. Yeah, I'll fucking raid your Keelago, motherfucker, whatever that shit's called.

Fucking vacation house. Keelago. Yeah. Kenzie, will you Google search Keel vacation. No. Key-a-lago. Yeah. Kenzie, will you Google search key-a-lago? No. Can everybody just give me a quick pat on the back? My fucking car passed inspection the other day. And for the people in the, only the people in this room and a few other people know how

big of a deal that is for me. He skated by another year. I fucking felt, I made it through the cracks. What did I say? Three windows broken. Two missing car handles. He went to Bubba Joe and shit. Motherfucker will pass anybody.

Front end smashed in. Windows don't work. Missing door handles. But we made it through another motherfucking year. Won't drive it to Charlotte two hours away. Have to take the train if it's more than a two-hour car ride. I mean, but it would make it. It's just like I used to do the same shit.

Like, bro, my Jeep would make it. It's just not ideal. The only thing I had to do to get the car to pass inspection was go to AutoZone, buy a $6 light bulb, put it in the little taillight, and keep it pushing. How long have you been putting that off for? It's probably been out for about seven to eight months fucking two years since i've known you i gotta take why are all my motherfucking friends leaving like all right it's just me it's just me

bye aj bye walker uh yeah so when i went to auto zone to get my uh shit for my car walker hell yeah i handle that motherfucking tweet um when i went to AutoZone to get my shit for my car Walker hell yeah I handle that motherfucking tweet when I went to AutoZone to get the shit for my car a dude stopped me in the parking lot and he's like hey will you buy me and my daughter food and I'm like hell yeah I'll help you guys out for sure and then he was like let me get the cash though and I was like come on dog let me just go buy you the food

and he's like yeah can you hear that what it's silence Yeah. Do you listen? Can you hear that? What? It's silence. You mean like we can finally have a conversation without being interrupted every two seconds? We can finally breathe and have a conversation and not feel like we're talking all the way? My anxiety levels just literally fell. Kenzie, do you feel that?

I feel like Kenzie's anxiety levels are probably the highest because it's her, her man's that won't shut the hell up. She's rolling around. And he's out of the room. Wow. I feel so much better. We should get rid of him more often. No,

I need to know. Did you buy them food? Oh, right. Um, so, uh, so yeah,

he's like kind of pressing me at this point like let me get let me get the money and i'm like bro just let me go i will see like let me go in buy my stuff um and i'll come back out so then he's i walk back out auto zone he's yelling from across the parking lot and he's like like yo you got me he was like trying to get me to go to the atm and shit and i'm like i just like, I don't feel safe. I don't want to deal with all this shit right now. He yells across the parking lot, yo, you got me?

I'm like, nah, man, I'm sorry. He's like, fuck! I'm like, I know. I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry. I'm very, I don't know. I just try to get in my car and drive away as fast as fucking possible

and hope that he didn't follow me. Dude, I'm so soft about that kind of stuff what you talking about homeless people if if they look the less fortunate like if they make eye contact i gotta give them money like i just i can't dude no i mean like i if if i had cash on me i probably would have just because like you know whatever but like he was like really pressing me and at one point i kind of got like irritated i'm like bro i said i would buy you and your daughter food. Don't fucking... Well, and so this is something that me and Austin have talked about before.

AJ, I'm curious to hear your opinion on this. Kenzie, you too. I'll give a homeless person money. Go buy drugs. I feel the same way. Go buy alcohol. It's not my job to like... The babysitter. You can only spend this on food spending whatever you want on but i don't think there's but i mean if there is a but i would say

the but is if i don't feel like giving you money i don't have to give you my motherfucking money like i will sometimes and you can go buy drugs and And I am more than happy. Dude, one of my funniest interactions. We were in Amsterdam. And this guy came up while I was smoking a hashish. What the fuck? He was smoking a spliff. Jesus. He came up and he was like, hey, man, you got money?

And so I gave him some pounds out of my pocket. It was a bunch of change. Some euros. And he looked at it and threw it on the ground and walked away. That's fucked. I gave him like some like some pounds out of my pocket it was a bunch of change some euros he looked at it and threw it on the ground and walked away it's fucked listen I'm not gonna lie to you it was like I'm not that poor I'm not gonna lie to you that's fucked up you if you guys like if you ask me like like what's your opinion on like I'm giving money to homeless people I'm not gonna lie to you I've only gave money to homeless people maybe like literally like once or twice and the reason why i will do anything in my power to avoid them

because i will i will walk across the motherfucking walmart to avoid the spectrum salesman hey big i have to walk a big walkie are you ready are you ready bud that's how bad anxiety you have about that shit i just i just don't want to be in that situation bro i feel that i had a theme for this week but i think i forgot my theme um let me just think about my theme real quick um he's panicking Alright, first of all Term limits on Congress Second of all Inheritance should not be a thing

Everyone should start from scratch The American dream is fake Capitalism is a lie Go fuck yourself Ronald Reagan You suck go fuck yourself Ronald Reagan you suck fuck you up so this week's ASMR section was fucking terrible no offense Walker

yeah I don't blame you yeah it was fucking that was pretty hold on why do I always get cut off by Walker's ASMR section because you don't pay attention buddy but it's at 36 in 30 36 minutes and 30 seconds Hold on. Why do I always get cut off by Walker's ASMR session? Because you don't pay attention, buddy.

It's at 36 minutes and 30 seconds? It's at 38 seconds. Or 38 minutes. My bad. 38 minutes. 38 minutes. So I cut you off like 10 seconds before it starts every time. What I was saying is what did you hand me this list of notes I would expect to find in a psychiatric hospital? You were panicking, so I threw you...

Is this somebody's chart? Is this your chart? I threw you some options, bro. I had something to talk about for ASMR this week. I forget what it was, though. You fucking... You forgot? I forgot.

I probably should have given you a warning. It's ASMR time. Yeah. Yeah. It crept up on... It snuck up on me this time. I just looked up given you a warning. It's ASMR time. It crept up on me this time. I just looked up at the right time. What? What do you want? Tim McGrady, chill out, bro.

Shut the fuck up. Literally nobody knows what that means. If you know, you know. His name is Tim McGrady, crew. Stop saying if you know, you know. This podcast is not for you and four friends that live in Jackson. Fucking Jackson. It's actually only one friend that lives in Jackson and two that live in Ocobrass.

Walker, can you quickly run through? Can you? What's that second one? Walker, can you run through your beverages this week? What beverages are you sipping on? Yeah. What beverages you got? Tweed, chocolate milk, hazy water.

Thank you. I was just curious because I didn't know what most of them were. Yeah, what beverages you got? Coffee, tweed, chocolate milk, hazy water. Thank you. I was just curious because I didn't know what most of them were. Can I tell you guys a funny homeless person story? Yeah, hit us. One time a guy, a famous guy around this area had on his little cardboard sign his cash app. So I sent him money on cash app. Shut the fuck up i sent him money on cash app and like thought it was all cool and good and like whatever was done well then i started getting

requests from him oh no he was hitting your line daily you were sugar mama you became you became a sugar mama on accident on accident that's funny as fuck uh after so i told the story i just told you guys about the whole auto zone thing i told that to a girl this past week and she was like i have a funny story oh shit she's like i have a funny story about stuff like that and she was like so when me and my uh when my when my girlfriend and i not actual girl like when my friend girl and i are feeling down bad about ourselves like we're feeling like a little bit ugly that week or whatever they're like we'll go to like the the sketchier gas station on the other side of town and we'll

walk across the parking lot like wearing like nice clothes just to get cat called to make themselves feel better about themselves jesus what kind of world do we live in are you serious i was like i was like are you fucking serious and she was like yeah we'll walk we'll walk over to this gas station on the other side of town just to get catcalled. That's incredible. To make ourselves feel better. That's like the real life Tinder account.

I got a story real quick. That's funny. It's fucked to me though. I was at the gas station the other day. Casual gas station. Walk out with a twee. No normal shit. Yeah.

A pack of Newport. Seven twee's and a pack of Newports. No. Just two twee's and a pernicious. But look. I'm walking out. I get in my car. So you literally mean right before the podcast? Is that what you're talking about?

Maybe. All right, all right. My bad. I get in the car. As I get in the car, I hear a noise. And I'm like, oh, shit. It was giving homeless. You feel me shit. It was giving homeless. You feel me?

The noise was giving homeless. So I got in the car, quick as hell, shut the door, cut the car on it. We out. I had my window down. Are you 17 years old? It's giving homeless. I relate with it with the youngest. It's just giving homeless.

It's just giving homeless. I'm tapped in with the youngest. It was giving homeless. I get with the youngest. She's getting homeless. She's getting homeless. I'm tapped in with the youngest. It was giving homeless. And I get in the car. My window's down this whole time. So I heard something. I'm pulling off. I look over.

It's fucking awesome. It's me in the fucking parking lot, like, doing jumping jacks, trying to get his attention. I'm like, bro, I knew I heard something that sounded familiar. He tried to pull. I saw it, and it was funny as fuck Cause I saw his face From across Across the parking lot

And he's like Like I saw him Get into his car And he was like Oh fuck no Like you just saw By the look on his face He was not having a good time

Bro I got the fuck home bro And then come to find out I look over It's his dumb ass I was literally doing Jumping jacks Trying to get his attention I said oh fuck bro

I thought you was On some homeless shit, bro. Idiot. Hell no. That shit pissed me off. I got the fuck on, though. Did I not? Walker, you good?

How come I... Okay, I've looked over more than one time tonight, and AJ was crying at one point, and Walker's crying at one point. Literally, both of you fucks have cried tonight. What was I crying? Your eyes... When I said you looked stoned, your eyes were watering like a motherfucker. Oh, damn.

I was in my feelings for real. I'm excited to have you watch that back. Hey, hold on. Hold on. No, AJ. Not hold the fuck on. Don't say hold the fuck on when I start a story. I'm sick of your shit.

Fuck you. Cheers. Hey, cheers, though. Cheers. Hey, hold on. Love you, AJ. Hey, shout out to Fat D. Pimps up

Holds down If the bitch can't swim She just gonna drown You feel me Amen Swimming in savor Swimming in savor So I took a sip of twisted tea

And Breathed out of my nose At the same time And I got twisted tea That went about Let me show it anatomically And then I You did a line of twisted tea Let me show it anatomically. Weep. And then I... Weep.

Hoo. You did a line of twisted tea on accident. Got me feeling fucked up. Hold on. The first murder. What the fuck? Sounds good. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Always Laugh Podcast.

Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel. Fucking listen to us on Apple, spotify amazon google check out our clips on shorts check out our facebook check out our behind the scenes on uh snapchat it's all uh twitter quit playing on twitter we're everywhere baby yeah thanks for listening i'm austin i'm a dot j dot Maybe. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I'm Austin. I'm a dot J dot Allen. This is our worst outro yet. Yeah, it's making me sick to my stomach.

Thanks for listening. My name is Austin Lane. My name is AJ motherfucking Allen. And this is Walker. Big ass Dick Smith. We out. Love you guys.