An Old Timey Podcast - 13: Adolf Hitler’s Fart-Filled Bunker (Part 1)

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

The History Channel’s “Hunting Hitler” poses really stupid, already answered questions about the death of Adolf Hitler. Normie C is having none of it! In this series, Norm will cover Adolf Hitler’s final days, his suicide, and finally, Norm will address the conspiracy theories that Hitler made it out of that bunker alive. In this episode, we learn about Hitler’s smorgasbord of medications, his legendary farts, and his firm belief that everyone thought he was super hot. Remember, kids, history hoes always cite their sources! For this episode, Norm pulled from: Daly-Groves, Luke. Hitler’s Death: The Case against Conspiracy. Oxford: Osprey Publishing, 2019.Joachimsthaler, Anton, and Helmut Bögler. The Last Days of Hitler: The Legends, the Evidence, the Truth. London, New York: Arms and Armour Press ; Distributed in the USA by Sterling Pub. Co., 1996.Ohler, Norman, and Shaun Whiteside. Blitzed: Drugs in the Third Reich. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2017.Shirer, William L. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2011.Trevor-Roper, Hugh R. The Last Days of Hitler. Seventh edition. London: Pan Books, 1995. Are you enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Then please leave us a 5-star rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts!Are you *really* enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Well, calm down, history ho! You can get more of us on Patreon at patreon.com/oldtimeypodcast. At the $5 level, you’ll get a monthly bonus episode (with video!), access to our 90’s style chat room, plus the entire back catalog of bonus episodes for Kristin’s previous podcast, Let’s Go To Court.

Hear ye, hear ye. You are listening to an old-timey podcast. I'm Norman Caruso. And I didn't set out to become a sex symbol, Kristen Caruso. Whoa, Kristen, I got news for you. You've always been a sex symbol. But I didn't set out for it to be that way, okay? Okay. I was hoping to be known for my skills in mathematics. On this episode, I'll be talking about the death of Adolfo. Hitler. You don't say Adolf? Adolf is how you say it. Oh, excuse me, I'd hate to offend the demonic ghost of Adolf Hitler. You'd say Adolf, but... I'll say whatever I want to say. Actually,

it's pronounced Adolf. Norm, I'm pretty excited for this. This is a big change of pace from Lucille Ball. Just a little bit. We're giving people everything. This is like one of those terrible buffets that has Chinese food, it has lasagna, it has baklava, and you're like, is it possible that they do all of these things well? No, it's not possible, but you eat it anyway. Can you go ahead and get to the plugs and all that? You want me to do the one thing I've been asked to do for this episode? Okay, okay, I will. Hey, darling, I get it. You're obsessed with us. And it kind of bums you out because these weekly episodes, they're just not cutting it. You want more. Well, sweet cheeks, I'll give you more. When you sign up for our Patreon at the $5 level, you get instant access

to our bonus episodes. And guess what, Honeybun? Those bonus episodes include video. Norman, don't make a face at me while I'm doing an amazing ad. I'm just, it's, you know, I have the, our document pulled up and none of this is in the document. Did you write your own little script? I wrote my own little script. And, oh, wait, do you hear that? It's the sound of dozens of people signing up for our Patreon because they can tell that I wrote this ad copy fresh myself. Anyway, those bonus episodes include video. In last month's bonus episode, Norm talked about a woman who gave birth to bunnies. And somehow, that was even more disgusting than his previous bonus episode, which was about rich old dudes who were affixing testicles to themselves.

Because they were convinced that that would give them that youthful Vim and Vigure. But you know what? Once you sign up for our Patreon, you'll find that you get that extra Vim and vigor, and you don't have to catch. Extra what? V-M-N-V-V-I-M? V-I-M. What is that? Did I make that up?

Vim? It's what you want, is what I'm saying. Go ahead and Google it while I continue this amazing ad. Vim, enthusiasm, energy. Wow. Yeah. I never heard of that word. before.

Uh-huh. Anyway, that's what you get when you sign up on our Patreon. And you don't have to attach extra testicles to yourself. It just comes with it. Okay? Very good. Oh, you thought the ad was over. I thought it was.

Oh, oh, what's that? What's that? You're saying, you're super rich? Well, good for you. You're the kind of person who orders soda at a restaurant. You're the type to say, yeah, I know guacamole is extra. Throw it on there, big boy. Well, you're going to want to.

This is so ridiculous. You're going to want to sign up at the $10 level. Norman, I do not like the look you're giving me right now, okay? Anyhow, at that level, you get all of our bonus episodes, you get into the Discord, you get signed card and stickers. I meant to say a signed card and stickers. Anyway, I just did it then. You're welcome.

And you get ad-free episodes of an old-timey podcast, and you get them a day early. So sign up, won't you? You know you want to Patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. There, that's it. That's my ad. Okay, Kristen. Well, thank you for that wonderful little plug for our Patreon.

That's enough. That's enough. I will not take your false compliments, sir, although I did do an excellent tour. No wonder you hid that script from me. Before we get into the death of Adolf Hitler, I have a mistake of shame. Oh. Yeah. from our last episode.

Mistakes of shame. Norm, rumor has it. You messed up big time. Tell us about it. Man, this might be the greatest mistake I've ever made on this show. I had, at a minimum, 2,500 people tell me about this mistake. At a minimum, I lost count.

On the last episode of our wonderful podcast, I talked about one of the greatest made-for-TV movies of all time. It's called Smart House, who's on the Disney Channel. And it's about the dangers of artificial. official intelligence, Kristen. Sure. Very serious film. And in that movie, the lady that plays the house, the embodiment of the house.

Sure, Kathy Seagall. We all heard you. I said Kathy Seagall. Her actual name is Katie Seagall. Wow. I apologize to all the history hoes out there for this terrible error I have made. Shouldn't you also apologize to Katie Seagal? And I apologize to Katie Seagal as well.

This concludes another exciting edition of mistakes of shame. Thank you. All right, Kristen, let's talk about the death of Adolf Hitler, much different than Lucille Ball. I do want to give a few trigger warnings. We're going to be talking about suicide. And we're going to be talking about the Holocaust. Okay. This is when I start to sound like a conservative nut job.

Yeah. You know, when we're literally talking about Adolf Hitler, do we need a trigger warning that we are going to be talking about the Holocaust? These trigger warnings are going too far. Uh-oh, uh-oh, welcome to Biden's economy. Oh, it's starting already. Wow, you're like a werewolf. You're transforming right in front of me. I am becoming a maga Karen.

It was only a matter of time. I'm just trying to be sensitive to the history hose out. out there. Okay. Okay. We must have the dumbest hose on the planet if they don't know that Adolf Hitler was a little involved in the Holocaust. Another reason to join the Norm Troopers.

Okay. We may have settled on the name, folks. Norm Troopers sounds pretty good. But then, you know, I thought of Norm Troopers and I was like, yeah, that's like a pretty cool name. But then I was like, hmm, I've been researching the Nazis for the past month. and they had their own stormtroopers. It's just gotten weird, folks.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Lines have been blurred. Meanwhile, Kristen's night guard totally not problematic. It's not at all. Uh-huh. But we are going to kick your asses, so look out for us. Here we come. Again, it's very on brand.

I don't have a name yet, so. It is. Anyway, let's get into this. The death of Adolf Hitler. Okay. Ready? Mm-hmm. These history hoes might be wondering how I decided to cover this somewhat obscure topic.

Kristen, are you familiar with Adolf Hitler? I am. Yeah? What do you know about Adolf Hitler? Can you give me like a few sentence summary of Adolf Hitler? This is what I hate about you, sir. Me? Yeah, you're like the teacher who wants to, you know, put you on the spot.

All right, here I go. ADHD kid trying her best. All right. Adolf Hitler. Yes. German guy, vegetarian. Rumor has it. His mother was like, should I get an abortion?

and the doctor was like, no. And then she gave birth to Adolf Hitler. I don't know what we're supposed to take from that. Any hooters. So he goes on. World War I happens. Yeah. He writes mind comf in prison.

Mind comp. Yeah. And he's like, the problem is the Jewish people. Maybe I shouldn't have asked you this question. Hey, no, no, no. You ask it. This is your punishment. This is your punishment.

I'm going to brain dump on you. So then he comes out and he's like, hey, Germany, the problem is the Jewish people. We're great. Problem is Jewish people. And people are kind of like, yeah, that sounds good. So then he starts his own little fascist thing. And they go through a lot of the proper channels, which is a stark warning for us today, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

It sure is. So anyhow, then World War II Electric Bugaloo, he's creating a Holocaust. He's a terrible dude. he hates everyone. Did he munch on carpet? I don't mean that in like a... No, no, no, I don't mean that in like an eaten puss. I mean it in like, didn't he get mad and eat carpet?

Am I making that up? I've never heard that before. Well, I've been to the Holocaust Museum three times. Ate carpet. Okay, so anyhow, anyhow. And then things start looking real bad for him. And then he died by suicide in a bunker with... Eva Braun, Eva Braun.

Eva Braun. Yeah. Okay. And then that's it. Wow. I was hoping for like a few sentences, but, uh, thank you. That episode's over. You basically covered everything I was going to talk about.

How embarrassing for you. It is. I spent a month on this script. You're welcome. Why did I decide to cover the death of Adolf Hitler? Hold on. I just did an amazing job. You're not going to give me more props for that?

I just said, great job. You've summed up the whole episode. Okay. Fine. Well, the first reason I decided to cover the death of Adolf Hitler is because my beautiful wife, Kristen, proudly declared that she didn't give a shit about World War II. Proudly. That's, okay, fine. So I hope to change your mind.

I hope you start to care more about World War II. That's not what I said exactly, although it is kind of exactly what I said. But the sent- Roll the tape. Okay, boy, there he goes. The second reason, and probably the actual reason, is that a couple months ago in our Discord server, which is available at only the $5 level on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash old timey podcast. It's available at all levels, actually.

You can pay as little as $5. Yeah, we get it. Okay. So a user in our Discord server asked me one day if I had ever seen the show Hunting Hitler on the History Channel. And I'd actually heard of this show because my brother kept doing. get trying to get me to watch it. And so I finally decided to sit down and watch this show. Are you familiar with hunting Hitler, Kristen? Only because you've been complaining about it for like a month. So I'm sure growing up, you were taught Adolf Hitler committed suicide during the last

days of the war in Europe during World War II. Yeah, I just told you all about it. Yeah, you did. You just, you just schooled me. Well, hunting Hitler poses a question. What if Hitler didn't kill himself. What if he was able to escape from Berlin and flee to Argentina? Mm-hmm. And so a group of researchers and manhunters go out to try and solve the mystery. Everyone, for those of you who are not on the $10 level on Patreon. I did air quotes on... Yeah, he did some very sassy air quotes.

He's a manhunter make you work hard, make you spend hard. Nelly Furtado. Yeah, we know. Yeah. What's she up to? Are you serious? You want to ask me about Adolf Hitler and Nellie Furtado? I don't know.

Okay. Hunting Hitler, I have a lot of thoughts about this show. If I could sum it up in one word, I'd call it. Fair de Scheiza. What's that? Horse shit. It honestly made me sad watching this show. Really?

The show about Hitler made you sad? No, it made me sad that a show like that exists. Okay. I grew up watching the History Channel. I love the history channel. We jokingly called it the Hitler channel because they showed World War II documentaries like nonstop.

But at least it was like informational and real. And now the history channel is showing things like hunting Hitler, which gives credence to ridiculous conspiracy theories that historians have debunked for years. Now, Norm, what the hell is your problem with a little conspiracy theory talk? It can't go anywhere bad or wrong. Did you know one of the researchers on hunting Hitler had written a book claiming Hitler

escape to Argentina like a couple years before that show aired? But they didn't mention that on the show. He was just a, you know, researcher, journalist, you know, looking for the facts. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking ridiculous. That show is ridiculous. But I will give the show credit for one thing.

It made me a curious history ho to learn more. about the death of Adolf Hitler. And so let's dive into that very topic. Ooh. I'm going to talk about his actual death, and then afterward we're going to have a lot of fun because we're going to talk about all the conspiracy theories around his death, and I'm going to debunk pretty much all of them. Quick question.

Will this be just one episode? Talking about Hitler's actual death. We'll probably take about two episodes. Okay. And then the conspiracy theory one will be its own episode, and then we'll go from there. Okay, I really hope you talk about him being in the basement of that pizza restaurant. I think you're confusing another conspiracy theory with... Impossible.

I heard our boy Adolf was on the grassy knoll. Were there two shooters? And one of them was Hitler? Yeah. And I, a researcher, am breaking this news right now. You're welcome, everyone. All right, Kristen. I know you just kind of gave a good summary of Adolf Hitler, but I'm going to give my own very

brief recap of the man, how he came to power and how he basically started World War II. Okay. Adolf Hitler was born on April 20th, 1889, 420, Baby, Blaze it. Oh. In Austria. 420 has nothing to do with Adolf Hitler. It really is about weed. Yeah, we know.

Okay. Adolf Hitler took an interest in art, and in 1909 at the age of 20, he traveled to Vienna to study art. But unfortunately, for the entire world, he failed his entrance exam. In 1914, World War I broke out and Hitler joined the German army. He served as a runner, which is basically the human embodiment of a text message. Yeah. He was wounded several times and earned the German military honor, the Iron Cross. When the war ended in November of 1918, Hitler was disillusioned by Germany's surrender

in its relinquishing of territory, demilitarization, strong economic sanctions. He blamed politicians. He blamed the Jews. He blamed communists. And a whole bunch of other people for Germany's defeat. Sure. Hitler actually stayed in the army after the war. And in 1919, he was given the assignment to spy on a new far-right nationalist political party.

It was called the German Workers Party. And so he started attending meetings with the name, Guy Incognito. Shut up. You didn't assume that name. He had an even bigger mustache on over his little mustache. Yeah, that's right. Well, after a few meetings, Hitler was like, hmm, I kind of like what they're talking about here.

And so he joined the German Workers Party. Don't you wonder how often this happens? I bet it happens a lot. What do you mean? That someone is sent to spy and do, you know, espionage, whatever. And then they get in there like, these folks aren't bad. They've got pastries and coffee. I think about like Stockholm syndrome where don't people just like fall in love with their captor or something?

Oh yeah, you start to identify with them. Sure. Kind of like when you took me away from my small town. Oh, my God. Well, Hitler was a very gifted order. And in just two years, he became the party's leader. Two years, he was leading this political party. How big was this party? He was very small when it started.

Yeah, so, okay, it's less impressive. So let's... Well, and Adolf, and Hitler saw an opportunity there because he was like, this is really small. I could like take control of this party. It's that small. Okay. And that's what happened. And he renamed it the National Socialist German Workers Party.

Basically for marketing purposes, the word socialist and workers appeals to the left. The words national and German appeal to the right. But the abbreviated name was the Nazi. How did I not see that coming? All right. And soon the party's membership grew rapidly. The Nazi party's core values were nationalism. Germany is the best.

The German people are the best. A strong military and central government. Take back all the land Germany lost during World War I. And then Hitler preached the concept of Lieben's realm, which means living space. Germans must expand its territory. for the survival of the German people. If that sounds familiar, the United States did the exact same thing in the 1800s, and they called it Manifest destiny.

And it was fine when we did it, so everybody shut up. Exactly. And last but not least, the Nazis believed in the destruction of the Jews. That is a core value of being a Nazi. You are an anti-Semite. Yeah. In 1923, Hitler and the Nazi Party attempted a coup to take. take over the German government, but it failed. Hitler was imprisoned for only nine months.

And during his time in prison, he wrote a book called Mein Kampf, aka My Struggle. He talked about how he wanted to become a politician so he could free Germany and, quote, make it great. Oh boy. Mind Kumpf preached about the Aryan race, perfect humans, and growing the German empire eastward. Hitler claimed democracy sucked ass, and that dictators are actually a great idea. And of course, he rambled about his hatred of the Jews and how they should all die. It was basically a blueprint for what he was about to do. So really, they just locked him up and gave him extra study time. It was a writing retreat. Basically. Yeah, it's like when you went to Iowa for that writing program.

It's exactly like that. Yeah. Where I wrote my terrifying manifesto. That's right. Against people who chew gum? What else do I hate? I was thinking of buying some gum the other day, actually. God, don't you dare. It's supposed to help your jaw line. And it also is supposed to help keep you satiated, you know?

That sounds like some pro-ana bullshit. It was basically me just to find a reason to go buy some gum. Oh, okay. Well, just buy some gum. I'm always looking for reasons to buy gum. Okay, well, Hitler gets out of prison. Ten years later, through several elections, with lots of voter intimidation, by the way, the Nazi party won the majority of seats

in government. And then Hitler was appointed chancellor. He was given power to enact laws without needing a vote. And he banned all other political parties. In 1934, Germany voted to make him furor. And he got a 90% approval on that vote. Well, that'll happen when there's, I mean, what's the alternative? Exactly. Right? Extremely corrupt vote. If you can even and call it a vote. No, you can't. But the Nazis always had, as one writer put it, a facade of legality around their rise to power. The word furor was a combination of multiple leadership roles.

He was the chancellor. He's the head of state. He's the commander-in-chief of the armed forces. He's the leader of the Nazi party. We can also call him a dictator. Did he go around saying, I just wear a lot of hats? I put out a lot of fires. I'm a multitasker.

My day's never done, I swear. I put on my leader hosen one leg at a time. Okay. Did he wear those little shorts? He did. There's some great photos of him with his little bitty leaderhosen shorts. I feel like if you're going to try to lead a country, you can't wear shorts. No?

Nothing undercuts your credibility like a pair of shorts. I'm wearing shorts right now. Exactly. No one should believe a word I'm saying. So I'm not going to let you lead me through shit in shorts. put on a nice pair of slacks. All right, this guy seems like he knows some shit. Imagine if Biden did a press conference.

He's wearing shorts. God damn. You had some like Patagonia relaxed shorts on. I'd be horrified. I'm already horrified. Okay. That would just... Did you see him up there with those shorts?

It was disgusting. And then I'd be in a terrible position because I'd have to be like, you know what, Donald's... I actually agree with you on something. Well, now that Hitler was Fyodor. He withdrew from the League of Nations Alliance. He rebuilt the German military. He reoccupied all the territory that Germany lost during the First World War. And then he annexed new territory.

Okay. Did they lose it or did they give it away? Like what's, come on now. To Germans, they lost it. Okay. To the rest of the world, it was, hey, you were a big part of the reason the World War I happened. So we're taking this from you. Right.

Meanwhile, while he was doing all this, the rest of Europe did absolutely nothing. They used a strategy called appeasement, which basically means, okay, you can have your land, but just promise you won't start a war. Just promise me. In their defense, they saw him in those shorts, and they thought there's no fucking way he's taking over anything. No way this guy's starting a war. During this time, Hitler and the Nazis began the persecution and systematic killing of millions of Jews. Romani's, Slavs, disabled people, homosexuals, trans people, take note J.K. Rowling, who claimed trans people were not targeted by the Nazis. What the fuck is wrong with her? Okay. We don't have time. Yeah, we have no time. Later, Polish Jewish lawyer Raphael Lemkin, he came up with a word for this atrocity.

Genocide from the ancient Greek word genus and the Latin word aside. Wait, is this the first use of the word genocide? Really? Yes, he came up with the word in 1944 while the war was going on. Genos means people in Greek, side in Latin means killing. People killing. On September 1st, 1939, Hitler was ready to acquire some living space. So he invaded Poland. That prompted Britain and France to declare war on Germany, which spiraled the globe into World War II, one of the worst sequels of all time. Ha ha.

In 1940, Germany invaded Denmark, Norway, Belgium, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, France. Good God. The following year in June of 1941, they launched an offensive against the Soviet Union. And as the army conquered territory, death squads known as the Einzatzgruppen followed behind the army and carried out the systematic killing of Jews, communists, partisans, and many more. and the Nazis also built concentration camps to make the killings more efficient. It seemed as if everything was coming up Hitler. Oh, God.

But then his fortunes changed. Well, yeah, because he went after Russia. Does he know how big Russia is? Does he know that you can't wear shorts in Russia? Kristen, if only... If only you... If only you had been an advisor to Hitler in his... Ew! What? No!

I don't know. The United States entered the war. His offensive in Russia was repelled, and soon Germany was fighting a war on multiple fronts against pretty much the entire world. In late 1942, some of Hitler's top military advisors believed the war could no longer be won, and all they could hope for was a stalemate. But there would be no stalemate, Kristen. At the Casablanca Conference in 1943, the Allied powers agreed that the only outcome of this war was the unconditional surrender of Germany. and the, quote, destruction of the philosophies in those countries, which are based on conquest and the subjugation of other people.

All right. On June 6, 1944, the Western Allies, including Britain, Canada, and the United States, landed on the beaches of Normandy, France, also known as D-Day, opening up a Western Front in Europe. In the east, the Russians were pushing the Germans back. The walls were closing in on Adolf Hitler, and that is where our story begin. So, I hope you enjoyed that little summary of how Hitler came to power. Honestly, and I know this is going to sound ridiculous after all the shit I've talked,

it made me wish that you would go ahead and start your 77 part series on World War II. Oh, thank you. That would be one hell of a research topic. Yeah, it would be huge. But let's travel back to the past, Kristen. Dilloo, Dilloo. Wow. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, we're in 1944. Someone just hit me with a Frankfurter. Ooh, a little German food joke. All right. The location, Hitler's Wolfshanze headquarters, located in East Prussia, which is modern-day Poland. Okay. Wolfshanze was one of several of Hitler's headquarters.

It was built in 1941 in preparation for Germany's invasion of Russia, and the name means Wolf's Lair. Okay. And it's called that because Hitler's nickname was Wolf. Did he insist on that nickname? So the name Adolf means noble or majestic wolf. Okay. And Hitler loved that.

That's what his name meant. I bet so. So he started using the nickname Wolf in the 1920s. What a fucking douchebag. I literally wrote my script. Doesn't that sound super douchey? Calmly T-bone. I said, is that dushy or am I just?

biased against Hitler. It's very important that we go in with an open mind about Hitler. Yeah, folks. Open your mind. Okay. Let's see both sides. Gross. Both sides.

So yeah, Hitler loved that his nickname was Wolf and he named buildings and military units after Wolves. There was the Werewolf Headquarter in the Ukraine. The Wolf Schlukht in France. And the Great Wolf Lodge, which has 22 locations across the United States. I will never look at the Great Wolf Lodge ever the same again, by the way. Yeah, I mean, I had no idea that it was started by Hitler.

Pretty problematic. And thanks to this TV show you watched, we're now wondering, is he going down a water slide right now? That is one of the hilarious things about that show. They were like... All the footage of water slides? No, it was like, yeah, he got out of Berlin and someone saw him in 19, 57, like, eating a hot dog. And it's like, do you know how, like, fucked up he was by the end of the war?

Do you think he was, like, globe trotting, like, travel in the world and just... Hey. Hey. I will get into this in the episode. Okay. What were you going to say? Well, I was just going to say, you can be real fucked up and eat a hot dog. Let me tell you.

I'll be the first to tell you. True. Taylor loves wolves. I think this means Hitler may have been a furry. Ew. Oh, my God. Remember when I showed you that clip of it's that Morning Joe show on MSNBC? And they reported on a gas leak at a furry convention.

Yes. It is my favorite news clip of all time. It is so funny. I've never related to a news anchor more. Because once she found out what a furry was, she couldn't read the news. She was laughing too hard. I just the thought of Hitler being a furry is like very funny to me. Anyway, so Wolfshanze, the Wolfslayer.

It had everything Hitler needed, Kristen. Had bunkers, had conference rooms, had a general store, had a little cafeteria, offices. Wait, how big was this thing? I guess it was pretty big. It was a complex. Okay, okay. Had a little tea room. It had a cinema for watching movies.

We know what a cinema is. Now that we have a cinema. What are we going to do? What's a tea room? A room only for serving tea? Yeah. Okay. All right.

Sounds fancy. Go ahead. I bet you think the wolf slayer sounds pretty damn cool, huh, Kristen? Well, no, because Hitler's there. I don't want anything to do with it. Okay, fair enough. Well, Hitler wasn't a big fan of the place either, Kristen, so you and him have something in common. Thanks for that.

He called it, quote, the most marshy, mosquito-ridden, climatically unplanned. pleasant place possible. You picked it, idiot. You could have just been a regular German dude hanging out in Austria, but you had to do all this. Yeah, he spent most of his time hiding in bunkers to stay away from the heat and all the bugs. He really only went outside to walk his German shepherd dog named Blondie. Hitler loved Blondie, and that dog loved Hitler back. She was always by his side and even slept in his bed.

you are very uncomfortable right now. I am very... About unconditional love from a dog towards a Nazi. You don't know what's making me uncomfortable right now. I think I do. The dog doesn't know. I didn't... Don't blame the dog.

I'm not like trying to track down Blondie. I'm not like, I think she's in Venezuela right now. No. No, I get it. I saw Blondie eating a hot dog at six flags. And we know that's wrong because Blondie was really fucked up. And if you're fucked up, you can't eat a hot dog at Six Flags. Listen, I will explain how fucked up Hitler was.

No, I, no, it does make me uncomfortable because I, too, love dogs and I don't want. It is, like when I was researching this, it was, it was weird, the feelings I was getting. Yeah. Well, we don't want to have anything in common with Hitler. Hell no. And yet here we are. So Hitler had arrived at the Wolf Slayer. on July 14th, 1944, to provide a calming effect for the local population because the Russians

were advancing and the Germans that lived nearby were like starting to fucking panic. Hitler thought, okay, well, if I come to East Prussia, it's going to quell the fears of everybody and I'm going to inspire the troops. Pitler's here. Had no fear? Hitler's here. Nothing would calm me down like a grown man in shorts who's just murdered several million people. He wasn't wearing short.

He actually he's wearing shorts all the time. You just said he hated the climate. I guarantee you he was wearing shorts. The Leader Hosen were from his younger days. Okay. I don't know if he's wearing those anymore. And let's stop talking about the damn leader hosen. He shows up in a snuggy.

Hitler's little visit to the Wolfslayer didn't start out great, Kristen. Because just six days after he arrived on July 20th, someone tried to kill him. Good. Don't you hate when that happens on? vacation. I love it. Okay. Who tried to kill him?

Okay. Well, several high-ranking military officers thought Hitler had to go. Yeah. To save Germany from total destruction. Okay. And so they came up with a plan. So every day, Hitler had a military briefing at the Wolfslayer inside a bunker. And so the plan was someone's going to attend this meeting with bombs in a briefcase.

And they're going to place the briefcase near Hitler. And then they're going to detonate the bombs. And the blast would definitely kill everyone at the meeting. Yeah. But they were like, it's worth it. Yeah. Okay. And then with the Fuhrer dead, the military would initiate what was known as Operation Valkyrie,

which was basically an emergency plan to use the reserve army in Germany to take control of the government in the event of a coup, which they could claim happened because Hitler was now dead. Okay. So they could say, the Fuhrer is dead. this is a coup attempt. The military is now in control of the government. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, unfortunately, things did not go according to plan. So first of all, Hitler moved his military briefing that day from a bunker to a wooden hut because it was so damn hot and he wanted more air circulation. Mm-hmm. And that means the bomb would be way less effective because it's just going to blow that hut to pieces. Yeah. Whereas a bunker would really contain the explosion and would really fuck some people up. And then the other problem was the guy that was supposed to arm the briefcase with the bombs.

He could only arm one bomb instead of two. This was Klaus von Stauffenberg, and he had lost a hand in the war. So he had trouble arming the bombs. He couldn't get a buddy? Real hard to find allies in this plot. Okay. All right. That's fair. And he had worked his way up the ranks to get close to Hitler. Oh.

Okay. So they only had one bomb now instead of two. And then after Stoffenberg placed the briefcase near Hitler, he left. He was like, peace. Oh. Like, oh, I got to go use the bathroom. Uh-huh. And he fucking booked it. Well, then another guy came in and was like, ooh, I want to stand close to Hitler.

And so he got near Hitler and he was like, what's this briefcase doing here? And he moved the briefcase. See, this is, I mean, that's what I was getting at earlier with the, and they were all okay with this. I thought it was like a suicide mission. Like, yeah, I'm going to carry this briefcase in here and hang real close to Hitler and we both go. Yeah. Now he left. So the bomb did go off and several people died, including the guy that moved the briefcase.

But Hitler survived the explosion. Good grief. And boy, was he mad that people were trying to kill him. If only he'd seen that coming. So he ordered the SS to immediately hunt down everyone involved in the assassination attempt. Are you familiar with the SS? Yeah. Super Secret Nazis, really bad guys.

Basically, they're the elite guard of the Nazi party. They had a police force, military force. They were bodyguards, intelligence gathering. And they were also the group that ran the concentration camps. Yeah. Yeah. So the SS found everyone involved in this plot, and they shot most of them. and that actually pissed Hitler off because he thought that was too easy of a punishment.

And so for the remaining men in this plot, Hitler had them hung with piano string from meat hooks and filmed the whole thing so he could rewatch it. Ew, God. Yeah. I don't know why I'm surprised and disgusted by Hitler. But here we are. So this whole event became known as the July 20th plot. Future topic, super interesting. Okay.

If you want to learn more, I actually do recommend the movie Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise. Well, you've always been a huge Tom Cruise fan. I don't agree with his Scientology beliefs, but I do love his acting. It's actually a pretty good movie and fairly accurate. The funniest part of that movie, though, is... Because it is a comedy. No. So Tom Cruise plays Stauffenberg, the guy that was supposed to detonate the bomb, you know.

Uh-huh. And they show a scene in the beginning of the movie of how he lost his hand. A bunch of bombs are going off. And, like, so Tom Cruise falls to the ground. And then he gets up. And, like, his ass is just, like, huge. You've shown me this before. Yes.

And so the Internet started speculating, like, was he wearing, like, a prosthetic ass? He had to have been. Or, like, a stunt ass. That ass was perfect. It was huge and juicy. It was all you could look at. Yes. I'm about to bust.

Just thinking about it. Yeah. Tom Cruz had to confirm in an interview that it was his ass. No, it wasn't. He claims it was. He said... I would too. I'd be like, oh yeah, that's me 100% natural, baby.

He said he had no idea what people were talking about. Okay. But yeah. Okay. So yeah, Hitler survived the assassination attempt. Anyway, just to confirm, when you do the video of this episode, will you insert that clip of... Absolutely. Tom Cruise is obviously fake ass.

Yes. Get on that. that $10 tier. Okay. So Hitler survives, but now he is super fucking paranoid. Did he not anticipate that people would want to kill him? I'm sure he did, but he like couldn't believe it was like that vast. Okay.

There's a lot of people involved in this. Okay. He no longer trusted anybody. He said, quote, I can rely on no one. They all betray me. The whole business makes me sick. Even Blondie was in on it. If anything happens to me, Germany will be left without a leader.

I have no successor, which technically was not true. He did have a successor, but whatever. He's always thinking about himself. Nor, were you his successor? You seem real bitter about this. No, I was not. He'd been trading me for years. Can you imagine going from Adolf Hitler to Norman Caruso,

you go from this maniac murderer. A non-threatening boy. To a guy who drinks caffeinated crystal light to get a little extra dim and vigor. It's hitting different today, by the way. Oh, yeah. This strawberry wild is hitting different. Feeling real wild. I'm full of risz.

Full of ris today. Don't use the new hip sling. You know I'm not up on it. That's right. Hitler did not escape that explosion unharmed. The bomb ruptured both of his eardrums and it tore up his trousers. Big time. I'm going to show a picture on the video.

How? Because the Nazis used this photo as propaganda because they're basically like, Hitler is invincible. Look at what, look what happened to his pants. Okay. Yeah. Where was it ripped up?

Like. I mean, it looked like someone ran those pants through a paper shredder. Okay. But boy, oh boy, Kristen, if you thought Hitler was invincible. I didn't. It's not true. There were plenty of things wrong with old Adolf. You're kidding.

And so we're going to take some time to dive into Hitler's medical records. This will be fun. Smells like a HIPAA violation, sir. Here we go. Oh, it is. So let's start with the obvious, because you're thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. Mm-hmm.

Let's talk about Hitler's. Ew. I was not, but I'll continue. Even before World War II, there were rumors Hitler had won. testicle. Why? I'll get into that later. Okay. But the British Army had a marching song called Hitler has only got one ball. What was that last line? Gerbles has no balls at all. Oh, I was hoping for gerbils. I'm sorry. We'll talk about gerbils later in this episode. Those Brits are hilarious. Okay. So this anthem served two purposes. One is that it emasculated Hitler and the Nazis because they frequently

used big buff German boys in their propaganda as the Aryan race. Sure. But the other reason was that it provided, like, maybe a reason why Hitler was so awful. What? And it was like a scapegoat for why someone would commit such horrible atrocity. So they're like, oh, well, he only had one testicle. So he was just mad. So anyone who has a testicle removed, they're going to be a mass murder.

Please don't commit genocide. Although we totally get it if you do. So, you know, people have always been curious about Hitler's wrinkleberries or berry, just one. So what was up with Hitler's spunk bunkers? Ew. The evidence suggests that Hitler probably suffered from cryptorchidism, which is when one ball does not descend. Okay. This was discovered in prison medical records from the 1920s when Hitler were serving time for that attempted coup.

Cryptorchidism can cause erectile dysfunction, fertility problems, testicular torsion, low testosterone, and Hitler did receive testosterone injections. If you want to learn more about testosterone, check out that bonus episode on our Patreon. It's only three hours long. You've got the time, right? Yeah. I love that episode. It's great episode.

You really went balls out on that episode. Very good. Okay, well, another rumor about Hitler was that he contracted syphilis from a sex work. when he was a young man living in Vienna. But this has never been verified in all records and tests from his physicians make no mention of him having syphilis or being treated for syphilis. So how did that rumor get started? Because some of the symptoms he was exhibiting later in life were syphilis symptoms. Okay.

In fact, we aren't really sure if Hitler was interested in sex at all. As the furor, he created a public image of himself as a man dedicated to the Nazi copy. He didn't have time for sex. Oh, so busy. Okay. But even in private, those in his inner circle said he never talked about sex. A top Nazi official's wife invited him to parties all the time and encouraged him to meet women. And he just never seemed interested.

Well, didn't he have, he had the mistress, right? We'll get to her. Okay. All right. It's very possible he had little to no sexual libido. Now, I'm sure you're all thinking nonstop about Hitler having sex. sex, so let's move on, okay? All right.

Let's talk about his personal habits. Hitler was a hypochondriac. He was very afraid of getting cancer. That's how his mother died. He was constantly worried he would die young, like his father. His father died when he was 50. Mm-hmm. And he was worried he would die before he had time to complete his destiny for the

fatherland. Good God. I'm worried I'm going to die before I can kill all the Jewish people. Mm-hmm. Yeah, what a sad thought that is. Yeah. Fucking loser. He never traveled anywhere without a medicine chest and a doctor.

Hitler didn't smoke. He forbade people from smoking around him. He criticized people who did smoke. And a lot of people smoked back then. Pretty much everyone smoked, it feel like. Why are you pointing at me? I'm pointing at you because you were getting on me about me having feelings about, you know, blondey and he loves his dog. His dog loves him.

This to me, if you had more money and pay. power, I think you would go everywhere with the doctor by your side. I think you'd constantly be complaining to the doctor, well, my tummy hurts, and I'm pretty sure that means I'll die on Tuesday. And we're going to get to that. Hang on. Calm down. You know me too well.

You know exactly what I'm going to write. But also, if you had the power to be like, no one smoke around me, everyone go away. Yeah. He once described tobacco as, quote, the wrath of the red man against the white man, vengeance for having been given hard liquor. Okay. Hitler also didn't drink alcohol.

He was a vegetarian. In you history, host, no, I respect the hell out of vegetarians. Well, I'm declaring today I've made an exception for Adolf Hitler. I do not respect him. Why was he a vegetarian? So he was a vegetarian mostly for health reasons. Okay, that makes way more sense. But people close to him also said,

He did it for ethical reasons, too. Good grief. At dinner parties, he would often talk about how, quote, barbaric the meat industry was. The irony is not lost on me at all. Uh-huh. It's possible he also became a vegetarian for propaganda reasons. Hitler loves animals. Oh.

There is an image that circulate around Nazi Germany showing Hitler feeding some doze. So, you know, everything I've told you up to this point, Kristen, Hitler seems pretty healthy. Right? Doesn't smoke. No. Doesn't drink. He's a vegetarian. What about his upstairs area?

I've heard way too much about his downstairs. Hypochondriac. Uh-huh. Well, you're wrong, Kristen. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Yeah. By 1944, Adolf Hitler was an absolute physical wreck. The stress from the war and dealing with defeat after defeat after defeat.

Where, where. I'm so stressed right now. I'm so stressed. dude, no one asked you to do this, motherfucker. I'm trying to systematically kill the Jews. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. One, he's losing the war. Yeah.

And someone just tried to kill him. He's super stressed. That was my favorite pair of pants. He downloaded Headspace to try to calm himself down. So as I mentioned before, he rarely left his bunker for fresh air or exercise. The lack of sun made him pasty white. Perhaps pacier than you and I, Kristen. Oh.

Let's go through Hitler's ailments. One of his biggest problems was stomach cramps and pains. He suffered from diarrhea, constipation. Well, which one is it? Excessive gas related to, quote, episodes of stress or crisis. Wait. Crisis farts? Mm-hmm.

That is what the medical record said. Oh. Okay. Excessive gas. It can't just be, this guy's farting a ton. It has to be like, let's feel bad for him. Oh, he's in crisis and his butthole can't handle it. A modern diagnosis of Hitler would probably be irritable bowel syndrome.

Yeah. Yeah. He had eczema on his legs. He had insomnia. Depression. You know, we're not going to sing depression for him. No. He had depression.

He had panic attacks. Vertigo. a recurrent eye inflammation, high blood pressure. Why are you looking at me like this? I just... Are you starting to feel bad for him? No, no, I'm not. I'm like, I guess I'm like, you start having these panic attacks and the high blood pressure.

And do you ever think, hey, you know what, maybe I should make some lifestyle changes. Like, they're not murdering millions of people. Maybe that would help. Yeah, that's not what he was thinking of at all. Yeah, okay. Hitler also showed early signs of Parkinson's disease beginning in 1943. His left hand and left leg would tremble. Believe it or not, the bomb blast from the assassination attempt, it actually quelled his symptoms for quite a bit.

Oh, great. Because it was a shock to his nervous system. So it actually helped him. We love to hear that. I feel better than ever. Oh, God. This feeds into my propaganda about how I'm invincible. Exactly.

But the trembling did come back. A colleague wrote, quote, the whole of the left side of his body trembled. He walked awkwardly, stooped more than ever, and his gestures were both jerky and slow. He had to have a chair pushed beneath him when he wished to sit down. An army officer described Hitler during this time. He wrote, slowly, heavily stooping, he takes a few shuffling steps in my direction. He extends his right hand, and looks at me with a queer, penetrating look. His handshake is weak and soft without any strength. His head is slightly wobble. He extends. His left arm hangs slackly by his side, and his hand trembles a good deal. His face and the parts around his eyes give the impression of total exhaustion. All his movements are those of a senile man. And the farts. What about the farts?

And then he farted right in front of me. Yeah. When are you going to read the description from a Nazi who's like, dude came up, farted in my face? Farted in my face. Don't have any of those. Talking about how he's part of it. of the master race. Meanwhile, he toot-toot-toots around the bunker saying,

call me the wolf man. Well, don't you worry, Kristen. He's got a lot of issues, but he has a doctor. Theodore Morel. And boy, oh boy, do I need to tell you about Theodore Morel. Please. Also a future topic, but I'm just going to give a brief summary of this man. Okay. Theodore Morel was a doctor who had a successful medical practice in Berlin that specialized in the latest treatments for skin and venereal diseases. In particular, Morel was known for his vitamin injections. People would come in, get shot up, and then come back when the effects wore off, or if they needed another boost. Reminds me a lot of those IV drip places you see everywhere now.

Okay. Theodore Morel was also a card-carrying member of the Nazi party. Well, yeah, you'd have to be. He was known for being discreet. In 1936, he treated Heinrich Hoffman. he was Hitler's official photographer and he treated him for gonorrhea. Heinrich Hoffman was thrilled with, you know, his treatment. So he invited Theodore Morel to dinner.

And Adolf Hitler was also at this dinner. And so Hitler took Morel aside and he showed him his gams. Oh. They were covered in bandages in ointment from his eczema. And then Hitler complained about his stomach cramps and pains and he was constantly tired and he was depressed. Oh. And he said,

Theodore Morel, can you help me? And Morel gleefully said, not to worry, within a year, I will cure you. And Hitler was ecstatic. And he invited Theodore Morel to become his full-time doctor. Theodore Morel was not a medical genius. One of my favorite facts about this guy is his first job was assistant doctor on a cruise ship. Oh, I love it. And it was his first job.

Okay. Got to start somewhere, I guess. When it came to Hitler, he basically just injected him with whatever he needed. Whatever he wanted or whatever he needed? Both. Okay. Okay. He was not interested in the root causes of Hitler's medical problems.

He was just covering up symptoms. Mm-hmm. So he gave him ointment for his eczema, some bull semen for his depression. Bull semen? Mm-hmm. Maybe a little meth for Pick Me Up? Sure, that'll do it. Yeah.

Wait, how does bull semen help with the? depression. I'm wondering if it might be something that I need to talk about with my doctor. So do you remember in the testicles episode, I talked about the rejuvenation juice that that guy came up with? It was basically like that. It was like, it's rejuvenating me. I feel so much better. Hitler was a big fan of Theodore Morel. But the other Nazis, they didn't really like him. He was given the nickname Herr Reich Injection Master. And they didn't just hate him for his medical work, Kristen. they body shamed this man. They did?

Yes. Hitler's girlfriend, Eva Brown, described him as disgusting. Wow. Hitler's architect Albert Speer said, quote, he was very fat, bald, round face, dark brown complexion, dark eyes, near-sighted, hairy hands and chest, a teetotaler, a non-smoker. He has an appetite as big as his belly

and gives not only visual but audible expression of it. Oh. We want our doctors to be sexy as hell. That's right. People also complained about his smell. They said he had an offensive body odor. After one complaint, Hitler replied, I do not employ him for his fragrance, but for his medical care of me.

What exactly did he smell like? Do we know? No. Guess it's just B.O. Well, okay. In defense of the shamers, I will say. Oh, what are you about to say? I don't know.

I guess if I'm going to someone who says they can help me and this person doesn't even know how to apply deodorant, I'm going to lose some confidence in them. Oh, okay. Can't even scrub a dub dub, dude? Apparently didn't bother Hitler. Well, that's just another reason why I'm different than Hitler. Okay.

Are you ready for this? After the war, when Theodore Morel was captured by the Allies. They were like, pee, you! And they let him go. His interrogators wrote how disgusting he was. What? They wrote, Theodore Morel was, quote, a gross but deflated old man of cringing manners,

inarticulate speech, and the hygienic habits of a pig. Ew. Wow. This man was nasty. I guess so. Well, Theodore Morel really took advantage of his new relationship with Hitler. He created a lice powder and he earned a contract with the German army to distribute the medicine. Made a lot of money off that.

I'm sure he did. Soldiers claimed it did not work. Oh. Morel also created a Vita Moulton tablet, which became very successful thanks to his Nazi connections. And it's now known as the Flintstone Gummy. Wow. Incredible. You thought I didn't know.

multi-vitamin. Geez. Marell also invested in pharmaceutical companies that had contracts with the German government. So this guy was like rolling in dough. But not rolling for a second in a bathtub. That's right. Great. A pig scalder.

Hogscalder is what we call. Is it a hog scalder? Yeah. Are you ready for Hitler's prescriptions? Oh, I bet he was on everything. So during his tenure, Theodore Morel gave Adolf Hitler more. than 70 varieties of medications and sometimes up to 20 different medicines per day. He got methamphetamine when he needed a little boost.

Did Hitler have a little ADHD? This was not for ADHD, Kristen. I know you take a little bit of meth. Just a smidge. He took this sometimes before a speech or when he had to meet somebody important. Just a little bit of meth. He got glucose injections for dehydration. for his insomnia, a tranquilizer.

Oh, okay. He got testosterone for his low libido. He got multivitamins. Cocaine nasal drops for sinus issues. Cocaine eye drops for eye inflammation. He got oxy for pain, which Hitler was addicted to oxy. Yeah. For his depression, Morale gave him Orchikrin, which was a cocktail that contained bullsemen.

Was Hitler a... ever afraid of the injections well of having to suck a bull's cock that seems like a dangerous thing and the bull said i'm about to bust and then hitler was like there's got to be a better way and then right into hitler's mouth and hitler's like you know what i do feel better thank you thank you and then i bet you're wondering what dr morel gave hitler for his constant farting and stomach cramps i am curious about that so he gave hitler a probiotic Oh, okay. Which, hey, we still use those today.

Well, sure. There's a lot of stuff that we still use. But then he gave him Dr. Koster's anti-gas pills. Okay. This medicine contained strychnine. It's a common ingredient in rat poison. Oh. But at the time, this was like a normal thing in medicine.

Okay. So yeah, Hitler's pretty fucked up, huh? Wait, but did that stuff help with his toot-boot-toots? Claims it did. on September 18th, 1944 at the Wolfslayer, Hitler collapsed with massive stomach pains. Oh. In a case of jaundice.

It took him almost a month to recover. Hitler was being very dramatic about the whole thing. He said, if these spasms continue, then my life will have become senseless. I will then take the quick way out. Okay. This is also what I say whenever I have a stomachache. Is Kristen going to attest to? I am such a baby when I have a stomach ache.

The dolphins make him cry. What is it that makes you such a baby when you feel a little cold coming on, a little tummy ache? What is it, Norm? Oh, it's probably my anxiety. Okay. Yeah, you take it to 11. Yeah. You're like, well, my time is up.

Yeah, especially with the stomach stuff. Like, stomach issues and my anxiety, they're like lovers. They're always banging, okay? Non-stop. So other doctors at the Wolfslayer, they decided to look a little more closely at Adolf Hitler and his relationship with Dr. Morel because they were like, dude, you have jaundice. Yeah. And they discovered that Dr. Morrell was giving Hitler 16 of those anti-gas pills per day, the ones with the rat poison in it. Yeah.

That was way more. than the daily limit. And so these other doctors, they wrote up a report, and they claimed Morel was, quote, poisoning the head of state by culpable negligence or with premeditation. Wouldn't it have been amazing? If his doctor had just murdered him,

oopsie, fudge stripes through incompetence. Or if, like, if someone could have just gotten to Dr. Morel, because Hitler fully trusted this guy. Yeah. He's like, just inject them with a little bit of this. Or they had just gotten into his medication and dropped a little bit of poison in one of those injections. If some hot pharmaceutical sales rep had come to him and been like, this is the new thing, this will take care of farts, no problem. Yeah.

Don't worry about the fact that this says rat poison on the front of it. And you should test it out on the most important man in the country. There you go. So yeah, they wrote up this report. Hitler read the report and he was furious. that they commissioned the report. Yes. He had those doctors either dismissed or transferred.

Okay. Yeah. So in conclusion, Adolf Hitler had become reliant on medication. He was a physical and mental mess. And he was only going to get worse. Hitler finally left the Wolfslayer on November 20th, 1944. The Russians were now close. A little too close for comfort.

Uh-oh. He had to get out of there. Yikes. Apparently Hitler had considered. killing himself before he left the Wolfslayer. He would later tell one of his generals that he never should have left, should have died there. For the sake of the rest of the world, I sure wish he would have. Yeah, but he sucked off another bull and then he thought, I'll just keep going.

Plack alert. Okay. When Hitler left the Wolfslayer, he ordered it destroyed, but it was like made up of so much fortified concrete. Yeah, they're like, all right, drama queen. They didn't have enough dynamite to like completely demolish the wolf slayer. So some parts of the Wolfshanze are still around and the Polish government has restored the area. And it's a historical exhibit now. And it attracts about 300,000 visitors a year.

It's kind of a controversial place. I was going to say. The Polish government is saying that we're trying to make this a informational exhibit. But of course there's always the fear of is this going to become like a neo-Nazi. see like sacred sight. Yeah, you have to give a real hard look at any bald dude who shows up. Mm-hmm. Or a guy in Liederhausen.

Bald guy in Liederhosen, we just lock him up automatically. A guy eating some schnitzel. No, that's just good food. Yeah. So, yeah, Hitler pieced out. He was heading out west. Oh, way out west. There's room for our dreaming.

There's wide open spaces to see. That's enough. What's that from? Goofy movie? An American tale, Fival Goes Best. Oh, boy. Do you remember that one? Yeah.

Hitler's Journey West was not that cheerful or, you know, romantic or anything. He didn't look anything like a cute mouse. He didn't with toy guns. He was moving to his headquarters in Western Germany, which he called Adlerhorst. That meant Eagle's Nest. Okay. Because he was going to launch a counteroffensive against the Western allies to end the war. Uh, honey, you lost.

Just go into a small room, fill it with farts, and sit there and think about it, and we'll come for you, buddy. I had a lot of fun finding fart noises, by the way. I was cracking up. How many did you go through before you landed on that one? There were some really nasty ones, and I thought, I can't make it that gross. You got to keep it classy. This is a classic sound. You know?

Okay, so let's recap the military situation. The Allies basically had Germany surrounded. British, American, Canadian, and even the French armies were pushing in from the west and from the south through Italy. And then the Soviet Union was pushing in from the east. The Allies had control of the skies, of the sea. Situation seems pretty bleak for Germany. And negotiation was out of the question. Again, the Allies would only accept unconditional surrender.

Yeah. But that didn't matter because Hitler was going to fight until the very end. He wrote, think of Leonidas and his 300 Spartans. It does not suit us to let ourselves be slaughtered like sheep. They may exterminate us, but they will not be able to lead us to the slaughter. All right. I fucking hate this guy. Controversial opinion from Norman.

In late 1944, Hitler had a bold idea. He was going to round up all of his reserve troops and launch a major offensive against U.S. troops holding a line in the Ardennes Forest near Belgium and. Luxembourg and he specifically wanted to attack U.S. troops because he thought if I can deal a significant blow, the United States press would call for an end to the war. Oh, that's not how that would go. And then Germany could negotiate a peace with the Western allies and then maybe they could join up and be friends and then they could fight the Soviet Union together and defeat

communism. What do you think of that? He's fucking delusional. Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Most of his generals felt the same way. Okay.

But they have to listen to him. He's der Fuhrer. Yeah. Der Fuhrer fuckface. I will say, though, that the allies, they did set aside their political differences to take out Nazi Germany. Well, sure. You know, Soviet Union was communist, sworn enemy of capitalism.

Mm-hmm. And it says a lot that they were like, okay, yeah, we do hate each other, but we both really fucking hate this Hitler game. Yeah. Time out for now. Yeah. We'll continue that later. Sure.

So Hitler's military advisors believe the best time to strike would be when the weather was bad because they didn't control the skies at all. Mm-hmm. The allies had complete air superiority. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. The weather's bad. They can't use their planes. Right.

So that meant attack during the wintertime. So on December 16th, 1944 at 5.30 a.m., the Ardennes offensive began. And in the beginning, the Germans took the Americans by surprise. And thanks to the bad weather, they didn't have to worry about any Allied planes. And the German army pushed pretty far. They got like 37 miles past the U.S. line. So it created a little bulge in the U.S. line. Did they notice it?

Notices your bulge. They did notice that bulge because Americans refer to this battle as the Battle of the Bulge. Oh, shit. I didn't know that. There you go. Okay. I always thought that was just an adorable name. Yes. But pretty soon the Americans were able to call up reinforcements, additional supplies, the weather cleared, and planes came in and just bombed the shit out of the Germans.

Oh, there you go. By January 8th, less than a month after the offensive began, German High Command ordered the troops to pull back. In total, the Americans suffered 81,000 casualties that's killed, wounded, or missing. Yeah. They lost 700 tanks and heavy guns. And then the Germans had 100,000 casualties with 600 tanks lost. and heavy guns destroyed. The big difference was the U.S. could recover from those losses.

Germany could not recover from that. Okay. Even though it was a defeat, Hitler said there can be no doubt that the brief offensive we have conducted has led to an immediate easing of the situation along the whole front, even if, unfortunately, it did not result in the great success one could have expected. Spin, spin, spin. That's what we call copium. Yeah.

Kristen. Although I've got to say 100,000 versus 81,000, like, that's not bad. What do you mean that's not bad? Well, I mean, considering how shitty Germany's position was at this time to only lose 100,000 versus 81, that doesn't seem that bad. No, I mean, they took the Americans by surprise. Yeah. They did not expect that at all. And it shows in the numbers, I think.

So yeah, Hitler, you know, spun this. This is some good PR here. They spun it like crazy. I mean, it's not good PR, but they did spin it. It's Nazi PR. Okay. But privately Hitler fumed. He was furious. An aide recalled, the impression Hitler made on me was one of complete despair. Never before or afterwards did I see him in such a state. He now spoke of taking his own life. Because the final hope of achieving a success had been destroyed. He made accusations against the Luftwaffe, which is the Air Force, and the traitors in the army. He said something like, I know the war is lost.

The odds are too overwhelming. I've been betrayed. The best thing to do is put a bullet through my brain. Okay, but you haven't been betrayed, dude. You just lost. Well, not according to him. Everyone is betraying him. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, so the Battle of the Bulge basically sealed Germany's fate for two reasons. So the first reason is that Hitler basically threw everything he had. had in the Western Front and it failed. Mm-hmm. But the second reason and probably the bigger problem, he had pulled all of his reserves from the Eastern Front. Okay. And his generals had warned him, you know, the Eastern Front is stable right now, but

it was, quote, like a house of cards. If the front is broken through at one point, all the rest will collapse. Right. Well, guess what happened on January 12, 1945? That House of Cards Colle. The Soviet Union launched their greatest assault of the war. 180 Soviet divisions, more than 2 million men and women moved out across Poland. Shout out to the Soviet Union for allowing women to not only serve in the military, but also fight.

Over 800,000 women served. I do think there's a lot of logic to, yeah, if you want to fight, come on out. But also, if there's ever a war and there's a draft situation, I'm a crazy woman, I'm unstable, and I'm on my period all the time. So you should probably just go for the boys. You're saying you don't want to join the fight. No, I'm saying, don't even ask because my womanly ways will prevent me from being any good. I'm much better at home watching TV. I see. Uh-huh. I say, hmm, we're looking at your schedule for today.

It looks like you watched Big Brother. Uh-huh. Oh, wait, wait. Did you go to the dentist today? Oh, I'm sorry we even bothered you. Oh, you can't fight in this condition. Yeah, you've done enough today. Thank you for your service.

Oh, my God. Did you get your teeth cleaned? I didn't. Thank you. I wasn't even going to mention it because that's just not the type of person. I'm not going to play the dentist card, okay? But since you asked, yes, yes, I did. Here's a situation, Kristen.

Okay. For every one German soldier, the Russians had 11. Oh. The Soviets moved quickly, and then the Germans realized, oh, shit, we've got all these concentration camps where we've been committing crimes against humanity. And if they find these, we're in big trouble. We're in big trouble. So the Nazis began evacuating the concentration camps, and they left behind or killed anyone who was too sick to leave. And, of course, they tried to destroy evidence of the concentration camps.

And they forced thousands and thousands of prisoners on death marches heading west to other camps located within Germany. On January 17, 1945, at Auschwitz, the Nazis marched 56,000 prisoners out, and 15,000 died during that death march. Yeah. Ten days later, on January 27, 1945, the first Russian troops discovered Auschwitz. A prisoner named Primo Levy described the scene. Oh, so he was left behind? Mm-hmm.

Okay. They did not greet us, nor did they smile. They seemed oppressed, not only by compassion, but by a confused restraint, which sealed their lips and bound their eyes to the funeral scene. It was that shame we knew so well, the shame that drowned us after the selections, and every time we had to watch or submit to some outreach. The shame the Germans did not know that the just man experiences at another man's crime. The feeling of guilt that such a crime should exist.

Did the Russians have any idea what they were walking into? No. Well, here's the other thing. The Russians knew that the Germans were committing atrocities because they did it to their own people too. I mean, they would just wipe out entire Russian villages. They were aware of atrocities, but maybe not such an organized systematic extermination of people. Right. During this Russian offensive, the army would uncover and liberate more camps, including Pwa Shulf.

Forgive me for the pronunciations. I'm trying my best. I won't forgive you. Stuthof, Ravensbrook, and Maidonic. Based on the Russian army's movement, it was clear that their objective was to move towards Berlin, the capital and largest city in Germany. So on January 16th, 1945, Adolf Hitler left Adlerhorst. He headed back east to Berlin to command the Eastern Front and oversee the defense of Germany.

And he would never leave the city again. Hitler was not a big fan of Berlin. Really? It was considered the least Nazi of all the cities in Germany. Sorry. That sounds like a weird top 10 list that you'd see in some. Some travel magazine. Yeah.

Most Nazi cities to least Nazi. I think he preferred Munich. He thought Munich was way cooler. Okay. Once upon a time when elections were free, only 23% of Berlin residents supported the Nazi party. In fact, Hitler's grand vision was to basically destroy Berlin and rebuild it as Germania.

So Hitler moved back into his office and apartment on the second floor of the new Reich Chancellery building. There was also an old Reich Chancellory building, but Hitler was not a fan of this building. He said it was, quote, fit for a soap company. What? And he demanded a new office, which was completed in 1939. Fit for a soap company.

Yeah. What an insult. All right. And his doctor was like, yeah, soap sucks. Oh, yeah, because he smells. Yep. Classic joke. So the Chancellery complex, I want you to think of it as like,

the letter U. The letter U is where the buildings are, and that space in the middle was a large garden. Mm-hmm. Okay. With a statue of Hitler in the middle, right? I don't think so. Oh, okay. By 1945, several parts of the chancery had been destroyed or damaged by Allied bombing.

Plaster was falling from the walls. The garden was filled with craters from bombs. The trees were torn to pieces. Oh. And from his office, Hitler received the latest intel from the eastern front. The Russians were moving rapidly. Many German divisions were retreating. They were outnumbered.

They were outgunned. And this made Hitler suspicious. This was more evidence of betrayal from the army. Well, no, it's just evidence that you're losing. They should stand and fight. What kind of moron's going to stand and fight when you're that outnumbered? Also, rumor has it, you only have one ball, so I guess we don't care. Hitler had several of his generals replaced because of this.

Really? Yeah, despite the fact that no commander could possibly defend against such overwhelming odds. Hitler decided that no one could be trusted and now all decisions have to run through him. On January 19th, he issued a directive to the military that any attack or retreat had to be reported to him first before it was carried out. Talk about a micromanager. That is ridiculous. I love it. You do?

Yeah. This is the, I mean, this is the classic standing in your own way. Hitler was not like a brilliant military tactician or anything. Right. He had very talented generals in his army. He just didn't trust any of them. Mm-hmm. Okay.

At this point, did his brilliant generals? Were they starting to lose faith in him? Like was he a little onto something there? Oh, absolutely. Okay. But the German military swore an oath to the Fuhr. And they took the oath very seriously. They're going to do whatever he wants.

So he's like, you have to run every decision through me now. They're going to do it. One thing that a lot of people do with the German army during World War II is they like to say like, oh, well, the army were they weren't Nazis. Sure, there were people in the German army that probably didn't give a fuck about the Nazi party or whatever. They were just soldiers. Right. But the German army carried out many atrocities that the Nazi party ordered them to do. Yeah.

So, like, they're not innocent. Are people trying to say that they're innocent? They want to, like, talk about the German army in World War II with basically ignoring all the horrible shit the Nazis did. But it's like, no, the German army was helped out with all that stuff. Yeah. Teamwork makes Hitler's dream work, as they say. That sums it up perfectly, Kristen. Yeah.

I'm going to put that on a T-shirt. And no one will buy it. Okay, so now Hitler's like, every decision runs through me now. I'm the micromanager. This didn't help the situation in the slightest. Well, especially back then, like, how quickly can you even get information to the Fierre. I had radios and it was quick phone call.

Hey, what's up? You can, you up? All right, anyhow. Just two weeks after the Russian offensive began, the Soviets had pushed 300 miles and reached the Odo River, which separated Poland from Germany. Mm-hmm. And now the Russians were 43 miles from Berlin. But luckily for Hitler.

Oh, that's a, some phrasing that I love. to hear, okay? Luckily for Hitler, what? The Russian offensive stalled. The Germans put up a very stiff resistance at the border, and the Russians had advanced so fast. They were exhausted? They had trouble resupplying their army because they were so far ahead. Okay. The Soviet generals decided to halt the offensive for now. All right. At this point, Hitler and his little Nazi buddies had a glimmer of hope. They said, you know, maybe maybe the Western allies would reconsider working with us.

Maybe the United States and Britain. Well, the Soviet Union's being really aggressive here. Communism threatens Europe. These guys are being so fucking aggressive. They legit thought

any day now, I'm going to get a call from FDR and he's going to say, how about we work together? Or a call from Winston Churchill. Yeah. They heard nothing. Shocked.

No one called him. I do love the idea of Hitler sitting by the phone, just waiting with his popcorn, feeling kind of sad for himself, honestly. On January 30th, Hitler received a report from his minister of armaments and war production. His name was Albert Spear. Familiar with him? No, but I love that the war guy has a last name like Spear. Very good. Albert Speer was also Hitler's chief architect. He had designed that fancy new Reich

Chancery building. Would you like to hear the first sentence of his report? Yes. The war is lost. That was the first sentence. And the report detailed all the reasons why. Germany was producing one sixth of the steel it used to, one fourth of the coal it used to. Their railways were destroyed. They didn't have anything to keep power plants or factories running. They had no access to sea transports. They couldn't produce

ammo, tanks, guns. Basically, we are Fuddilyucked. That was the concluding line. Yeah. Hidalie-ho, Hitlerino! That should have been the first sentence in the report. Yeah, ease into it, buddy. Geez.

So Hitler read the first sentence of the report, the one that said the war is lost. And he slammed it down and refused to read the rest of it. He filed the report away. And he said that Albert Speer, quote, always has something unpleasant to say to me. I can't bear that. Don't give me bad news. I won't hear it. Yeah. On February 3rd, 1945, the Allies began carrying out massive air raids on Berlin. An ally general stated the Nazis entered this war under the rather

childish delusion that they were going to bomb everybody else and no one was going to bomb them. Hmm. The Allies bombed Berlin almost every night. It terrified German citizens. One third of the city was destroyed. Up to 50,000 residents died. This was a brand new way to conduct warfare. Bomb your enemies into oblivion.

One member of Hitler's inner circle suggested that captured Allied airmen should be killed immediately on the spot for bombing German cities, and the army generals objected, and Hitler replied, if I make it clear that I show no consideration for prisoners, then quite a few Germans will think twice before they desert. Ultimately, Hitler was convinced not to go through with this idea, but it did paint a picture of his current state of mind. The reason Germany was losing the war was because of his own people. They were cowards. They were deserts. They were But not Hitler. Mm-hmm.

He was going to die fighting, even if it meant the total destruction of Germany. This was Hitler. He took sole credit for all of his successes and blamed everyone else for all of his failures. Hmm. Interesting. Mm-hmm. There are people who are like that. I'm also thinking it's got to be a real bummer when you're talking about a master race,

and the master race disappoints you so much like this. Oh, boy. Is that a narcissism thing? You take sole credit for all your success, but blame everyone else for all your failures? I don't know. It seems like these days everyone talks about narcissism. So maybe.

It's also just delusional. Assholery, as they say. Yeah. Speaking of assholes, let's get back to Hitler. Okay. As the Allies continued to bomb Berlin, the Reich Chancellery Building received even more damage. And by mid-March, it was no longer safe for Hitler

to continue working in the building. So Hitler had to move his work down to a safer location. You can work from home. You ain't got to go to where. Because it's getting bombed. But you got to take your own life. Do do, do, do. Because you suck ass.

Whoa. He wouldn't like that song one bit. I ain't worried about Nazis. I ain't worried about nothing. I'm shooting a tank after. Take. I'm going to get that metal. Hitler had to move his work down to a safer location.

Sure. And the Reich Chancellor building had several bunkers, aka air raid shelters, so let's talk about them. All right. So when Hitler became Fierre in 1934, he not only wanted that new chancellery building, he wanted more bunkers underneath the building. Sure.

Hitler considered himself an expert on bunkers, and he apparently got very involved with their design. You know, Albert Speer, his architect, he said Hitler would bring him proposals, orders, detailed instructions, sketches. Hmm. In 1936, the first bunker, known as the Vor bunker, was completed underneath the Chancellery. It was five feet below the cellar of the Chancellery. Okay. It had a five-foot-thick concrete ceiling, four-foot-thick walls, gas-proof steel door entrances, and it was completely self-sufficient.

It had a generator for electricity, it had ventilation, heating, water pumps, kitchen, bathroom, toilets. This is exactly like that movie with Brendan Fraser. Oh, what is that called again? Blast from the past. Blast from the past, yeah. For some of it, when I was writing this out, you know, everything it had, house hunters popped in my head. Immediately, I was like, wow, this place has ventilation, heating, water pumps, kitchen, bathroom. You're picturing a realtor walking Adolf around to different bunkers and him being like,

Like, I don't like the color on these walls. Yeah. And the realtor is like, you can paint them. Yeah. Yeah, I think the walls are not sick enough. I need four foot sick walls. The bunker had a central hallway with rooms on either side. And the rooms were like 10 feet by 10 feet.

They weren't super big. Well, sure. It's a bunker. Yeah. Well, Hitler was a big, scaredy piss baby. And in 1944, he said, this bunker's not good enough. I want a better bunker. What, but it's a bunker?

Like, how long are you really going to be down there? You don't turn down an order from Der Fuhrer. So they built him a new bunker called the Fuhrer bunker. Okay. This bunker was eight feet below the other bunker. It was 28 feet below the ground. Wow. It had 10 foot thick ceilings, 7 foot thick walls.

It was a fucking beast of a bunker. It was so far underground. They had to continuously run water pumps to remove groundwater. This is nuts. I'm just picturing them building this. This is ridiculous. The appropriately named Furer bunker was Hitler's personal bunker. It had a bedroom, a sitting room, a guest room, conference room, dining room, doctor's office, and more.

And if you think it was filled with cheap IKEA furniture, it was not, Kristen. He had the finest furnishings down here. And he especially loved this one chair in his sitting room where he liked to relax. Mm-hmm. And he referred to it as mind-comfy chair. Shut. That is so stupid. I know.

So the Vor bunker and the Fuhrer bunker, they were not built for long-term residency. as you pointed out earlier, Kristen. But by the end of March, they were permanently occupied by Hitler and his buddies. Weapons were not allowed inside. All briefcases, luggage, pocketbooks were searched by the guards.

It felt like a prison. Yeah. One soldier who guarded the bunker described it. The whole atmosphere down there was debilitating. In the long hours of the night, it could be deathly silent, except for the hum of the generator. then there was the odor of boots, sweaty woollen uniforms, strong-smelling, cleaning disinfectants.

At times toward the end, when the drainage backed up, it was as pleasant as working in a public urinal. Oh. Well, yeah, I mean, you're not getting any fresh air down there. No. So by mid-March, Hitler had moved himself down to the furor bunker permanently. But even then, he was still scared that a bomb was going to. kill him, he legit thought, you know, he's 28 feet below the ground. Right.

He thought a bomb would come down from a plane. Uh-huh. At an angle, go all the way through the ground, blast through those super thick, double-sea thick concrete walls, and hit his bedroom. This is how paranoid this guy is. I can't. All right. So because he was so scared, Hitler basically didn't sleep. he stayed up all night and had tea parties.

Friends and colleagues were welcome to join him, but many people found... That sounds really fun. Are you taking your fart pill still, Hitler? Let me come down to your creepy bunker. Yes. Oh, and we can't have booze? Many people found these tea parties rather boring. Okay, that's not the word I was expecting, but all right.

Yeah. All Hitler ever talked about was dogs. Around this time, Hitler's German shepherd blondie had a litter of puppies. And Hitler was obsessed with those little puppies. Damn it, Norm. He named one wolf. Of course he did. Hitler talked about how to train them, what to feed them, how smart dogs were.

He said they were smarter and more loyal than his generals. Okay. Okay. What's wrong, Kristen? Are you imagining a little German shepherd puppy in Hitler's lap? Oh, no, I'm just like. I'm getting a real sense of him, though, which is weird. What's what I want?

I know. I know it's what you want, what you really, really want. I know what I want, and I want it now. I want you to get a sense of Hitler. It's just like, it's so pathetic. Yeah. It's that thing we can all understand of, oh, puppies, we love puppies. And he's talking about the puppies.

But then he's like a little bitter bitch. Like, oh, they're better than my generals because my generals aren't reliable. Loving a puppy and a dog is a universal human experience. And hating all the generals who you've hired is another experience we can all relate to. We all get it. I cannot relate to Hitler in any way. I'm sorry. I don't know.

He's pretty scared that his tummy is going to explode. I mean, the one thing was his stomach pains and cramps. Which I know we're from anxiety for him. Well, yeah, and cocaine eye drops and what more do we need in life? Cogane meth? Bull semen? I didn't know cocaine eyedrops were a thing. Right?

Yeah. Does that make your eyes just go, wah-w-w-w-w-h-h-h. I always think of that Simpsons episode where, do you remember when Homer thinks he sees an alien, but it's just Mr. Burns, like, wandering in the woods? No. Homer thinks he sees an alien. Okay. And it's actually Mr. Burns wandering in the woods after he,

he like receives medical treatments. And one of the treatments he gets eye drops and his eyes become like super huge and dilated. Yeah. And so I don't know, it made me think when they mentioned cocaine eye drops. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's it. Uh-huh.

Yeah. So yeah, he's having these tea parties talking about dogs, dogs, all types of dogs. Uh, on March 9th, 1945, with the Allies getting closer to Berlin. Hitler issued his order for the defense of Berlin. The battle would be, quote, conducted with fanaticism, imagination, by all means of deception, deceit, and guile, from every block, every house, every story, every hedge, every shell crater. And it stressed the fanatical will to fight. On March 15, 1945, the Minister of Armaments and architect Albert Spear presented Hitler with another report. The German economy was on the brink of.

collapse. Oh, I don't want to hear this. Mm-hmm. They could run things maybe for like a month or two, but then that was it. Hitler not only brushed this off, he tried to make things worse. He didn't try to make things worse, did he? He tried to. Okay.

Four days after Hitler got this report on March 19th, he declared that all military, industrial, transportation, and communication installations should be destroyed. so the enemy could not use them. Oh. It was given the nickname the Nero Decree, as in the Emperor Nero who burned Rome. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. When Albert Spear read this order, he opposed it and he urged Hitler to reconsider.

We must do everything to maintain, even if only in a most primitive manner, a basis for the existence of the nation to the last. And Hitler again brushed off this criticism and said something chilling. If the war is lost, the nation will also perish. This fate is inevitable. There is no necessity to take into consideration the basis which the people will need to continue even a most primitive existence. On the contrary, it will be better to destroy these things ourselves, because this nation will have proved to be the weaker one, and the future will belong solely to the stronger eastern nation, referring to Russia. besides those who will remain after the battle are only the inferior ones the good ones have all been killed a chilling thought from Hitler who could have seen that I don't know when when you when you read the

direct quote yeah and you think about his state of mind and it's just like this dude I didn't think I could hate him even more but I can I want to talk about Albert Spear for a second he was Hitler's chief architect, Minister of Armaments. And after the war, he worked very hard to make himself be the good Nazi. Of course he did. He wrote a tell-all book. He did write a book, actually. Yeah, I am not surprised.

He came up with a ton of lies. And he said stuff like, I wasn't actually a Nazi. I was just an architect, and I worked for the Nazi party. I came into work, I did my job, and then I went home. I didn't know about all of these atrocities and concentration camps, and I didn't know about the persecution of Jews, which is ridiculous. Yeah, it is. Albert Speer even claimed at one point he tried to kill Hitler. Oh, sure, sure.

Believe it or not, this seemed to work. At the Nuremberg trials, Albert Spear only got 20 years in prison. The reality is Albert Spear knew everything the Nazis were doing, and he actively helped them. Of course. He was one of the most powerful men in the Nazi regime. So with this Nero decree, Albert Speer claimed in his autobiography that he feared Germany would become a wasteland and that he ignored the order. So I just want people to be aware. That's not entirely true.

This is a thing people do. Yeah. To this day. If you have held a high-ranking, high-profile position, with, let's just say a terrible administration, and you want to remain marketable and you want to distance yourself. Yeah. Tell all book. Talk about how you try, you know, you knew things were rough and you were just in there trying to do what was best for the country, try to, you know, stop the damage as much as you could. It's like you do, it's like you, you do PR for Albert Spear.

I'm just telling you, this is a thing that a lot of people and people, and, politics do. And I think it's fucking disgusting. If you are working for someone who's doing something terrible, helping them carry it out is not noble in any way. Yeah. A lot of the sources and information come from Albert Speer because obviously he survived the war and then he wrote his tell-all book. And he was in Hitler's inner circle. Yeah. And it's looked at too uncritically. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And honestly, I think the allied interrogators believed him a little too much. So Albert Spear did oppose the Nero decree, but it's not like he just ignored the order. Right. He would never ignore an order from Adolf Hitler. Right. Military commanders opposed it as well. And they basically just modified the decree. So we're not going to destroy these manufacturing sites. We're going to disable them.

Also, if Hitler's in his little Heidi hole, just tell him whatever you want to tell him. Yeah, we blew the shit out of it. Yeah. Well, okay, so they didn't do that. But Albert Speer basically, he knew that implementing this plan would take some time. Sure. And he knew the war was going to end like any day now. Absolutely.

And so, yeah, he basically slow walked it. But yeah, I just wanted to make people aware that like that good Nazi myth. is bullshit. Sure. It's complete bullshit. And yeah, Albert Spear sucked as well. Mm-hmm.

Okay, Kristen. We're down in the furor bunker. Oh, boy. Hitler's inner circle continued working, and one of these men was a Nazi minister of propaganda, Joseph Goebbels. Mm. He controlled the media,

the press, the arts, and all the information in Germany. Physically, Gerbils was small, standing only five foot five. One historian described him as, quote, having a sickly thin, rat-like countenance. Was that just a play on his last name?

Kind of gerbil-like? No, the $10 hose will see a picture of him. He did look like a rat. Oh, okay. Apparently that's back in style right now, being like a rat guy. We're called rodent men. That's the headline I read. Rodent men are hot right now.

Wow. Yeah. How do I get that? rodent man look just watch the bear uh jeremy allen white okay is like a rodent guy so no chin all right kind of like a longer nose uh-huh like weird eyes how what if he likes this podcast well he used to like it i love jeremy allen white do you because you're being very insulting to him okay wait a minute i was watching the bear uh-huh the other day i commented how handsome jeremy allen white was and you were like, listen, what I say in the privacy of my own home might be different from what I would say on a

podcast, sir. Well, I was just saying, you've got a leak coming from me. You can't trust anybody. I am a whistleblower on an old-timey podcast, all right? So Joseph Goebbels, he'd been a loyal Nazi since 1924. His colleagues hated him. His nickname was The Poisoned Dwarf. Why?

He was cold, thin-skinned, held grudges, and he was five-foot-five. Okay. He had an inferiority complex. Many high-ranking members of the Nazi party were battle-hardened World War I veterans with lots of medals. Oh, and he did have any. Joseph Gerbils had a club foot that turned inward. He had to wear a leg brace. He constantly cheated on his wife.

Huh. It's incredible to me that the Nazis built up the Aryan race image, blonde hair, blue, eyes. Mm-hmm. But then they had little rat weasels like Joseph Goebbels, like pushing that message. Of course they did. How could no one see this dude being like, yeah, blonde hair, blue eyes, a perfect German? And they look at him and they're like, really?

Because no one sees him. Yeah. So other Nazis didn't like Goebbels, but Hitler was a big fan. He thought Goebbels was witty, intelligent, gifted speaker. But above all, he was very loyal. Yeah, that's what it is. Very loyal. That's what it is.

Because he doesn't have medals. All he can get are compliments from the Fuhr. Yeah. During the first week of April 1945, Joseph Goebbels went down to the bunker for work, and he noticed that Hitler seemed really down in the dumps. There wasn't a bull in sight. That's the problem.

Ew! So Gerbils wanted to introduce. inspire his friends. And so he read aloud to him. From a chicken soup for the soul book. Oh. So you read him a little book while Hitler sucked his thumb in a diaper, kidding himself.

That's speculation on my part. Oh, okay, great. He did read him a story, though. What story was it? It was the story of Frederick the Great. Okay. Frederick the Great was the king of Prussia from 1740 to 1786, and he was basically Hitler's hero.

Oh, okay. I idolize this guy. He had a giant oil painting of Frederick down in his bunker. Do you know anything about Frederick the Great? Not a damn thing. Okay, so here's a brief summary. So he was the king of Prussia, and he was fighting in the Seven Years War, which took place between 1756 and 1763.

Do you remember when the American colonies fought the French and Indian wars? Like it was yesterday. Yeah. That was actually part of the Seven Years War. Okay. So it was basically a global conflict involving most of the French and Indian Wars. of Europe and Russia, and it was like Prussia and the UK versus France, Spain, Sweden, and Russia. And Frederick the Great was basically on the verge of losing that war. So in the story that Gerbells read,

Frederick the Great declared that he would poison himself if his fortunes did not change in the seven years war. It read, Brave King, wait yet a little while, and the days of your suffering will be over. And believe it or not, Good fortune did come to Frederick the Great. Mm-hmm. The Empress Elizabeth of Russia, who was about to win the war, she died. And her successor was Peter III, who was German. And he was like, you know what? Let's just call this whole war off and forget it ever happened.

Wow. That's ridiculous. Yeah. So as Gerbils read this story, Hitler's eyes filled with tears. Shut up. He was inspired. Yeah, okay. Just like Frederick the Great.

Perhaps he could hold out just a little longer, and his fortunes would turn. But Joseph Goebbels, he didn't stop with bedtime stories. He also read Hitler horoscopes. Oh, fun. Well, this is just a sleepover at this point. A Nazi sleepover? Yeah, we're doing horoscopes. Let's put on a face mask.

What the? Yeah, so this is the current military strategy of Nazi Germany. Germany reading horoscopes. They read that 1945 would be a tough year. But in April, they would find temporary success. And then peace would come. And then in three years, Germany would be a powerhouse again. Hitler was thrilled with this horoscope.

Who wrote this horoscope? Yeah, that's what I wonder. Uh-huh. Yeah. So he had Joseph Goebbels sent out a message to the troops after he. got this horoscope. It said, don't worry, I just read my horoscope. Everything's going to be fine. It basically did just say that. Shut up. It read, the Fuhrer has declared that even in this very year, a change of fortune shall come. The Fuhrer knows the exact hour of its arrival. Destiny has sent us this man

so that we in this time of great external and internal stress shall testify to the miracle. Can you imagine living in Berlin? Your house is fucking destroyed. You can't feed your family. Bombs drop in every night. Sure. The Soviet Union is on their way. And Hitler is reading fucking horoscopes and being like,

we are going to win this war. Boy, that would be so comforting. Yeah. On April 12th, the Fuhrer bunker received some startling news. Franklin Delano Roosevelt the 32nd President of the United States was dead. Why are you looking at me like that? Because I don't know history very well.

Continue. FDR died on April 12th, 1945. Okay. That's what you need to know. Okay. Joseph Goebbels was ecstatic. Woo-hoo! FDR is dead. He said, bring out our best champagne and get me the furor.

Okay. When Hitler heard the news, he stood up, walked back and forth, and then, with great, joy, he declared, didn't I always say so? I had a premonition. Do they really think that this is the end? Yeah. This is how delusional they were. Hitler was convinced this was just like the story of Frederick the Great. With FDR dead, the Western allies would collapse and negotiate for peace. So he sent another message to his troops who were desperately fighting across Germany.

Yep. And it said, at the moment when fate has removed the greatest war criminal of all time from this earth. Oh! The turning point of this war will be decided. Yes, FDR was the greatest war criminal of all time, Christian. That is rich. Coming from Hitler, yeah.

Mm-hmm. So now that FDR was dead, Hitler waited by his dream phone for that call any minute. Any minute. The allies are going to be ringing me up. Yeah, he didn't hear anything. And he was shocked that the allies kept fighting with no downtime. Weird. Yeah. Maybe his horoscope was wrong.

That's impossible. That didn't work out for Hitler. Yeah. On April 15th, the bunker got a new resident. Hitler's girlfriend, Eva Braun. How long had these two been seeing one another? About 14 years. Ew, really?

Yeah, we'll get into that. Yeah, please. So she had decided to be by his side during these troubling times. Okay. And she was also ready to die with him. Ava Braun believed that Germany just wouldn't be the same without Hitler. Well, she's not wrong. Technically the truth.

Yes. She said, quote, it would not be fit to live in for a true German. So let's talk about Ava Braun for a second. Yeah, please. I know nothing about her. Ava Braun had been Hitler's mistress for the past 12 years. They had first met in 1929. Ava Braun was 17, working in the photography studio of Heinrich Hoffman, the official Nazi photographer.

They got gonorrhea. Yep. And that's when she met Hitler, who was 40 years old. Oh. Thoughts, age gap thoughts, Kristen? Boy, that's really gross. Mm-hmm. Apparently Hitler took quite a liking to Eva.

I'm sure he did. He invited her to lunch. And she remembered Hitler was, quote, devouring me with his eyes. Ew. Isn't it just way gross? It's way grosser when it's Hitler. Well, yeah. Ava Braun wasn't really physically attracted to Hitler.

She was really into his power and charisma. Okay. We're talking about a 17-year-old. That's what she wrote. I'm just telling you what she said. I understand. I'm just a little unimpressed with whatever a 17-year-old has to say about this 40-year-old, incredibly manipulative, one of the worst people on Earth.

In history, actually. Yeah. Coming after her. Yeah. The historical record says they met in 1929, but they didn't start dating until 1931. Sure. During their past 14 years together, Hitler refused to let her come to his various headquarters or the chancellery where he worked. The German public had no knowledge of Eva Braun during the whole war.

Really? Yeah, they didn't know about her until the war ended. Was he worried it would make him look bad? Oh, prematuree factulation. Oh, thank you. Hitler wanted to keep their relationship a secret for a few reasons. The first was, as I mentioned earlier, he wanted the people to think he was dedicated to leading Germany. I don't have time for women and sex.

I am dedicated to the cause. Okay. The second reason is Hitler saw himself as a sex symbol. He wanted to feel attainable for German women. Gross. I'm about to bust. No, no one's about to bust. Absolutely no one.

This is nasty. Yeah. This dude thinks he's in a boy band and he needs to tell people he's still looking for someone special. Gross. No one's putting up posters of you, Hitler. Well, actually they are because it's propaganda. The Nazi street boys. Gross.

Ava Braun was miserable. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Was he worried at all about people seeing him with this very, very young girl? Absolutely not. And thinking, wow, he's a creep? It had nothing to do with that. Okay.

Okay, cool. He wanted people to think he was dedicated to being a politician in leading Germany and that he was single and that the ladies could imagine having big. with him. Ava Braun was miserable about her secret relationship with Hitler. Hitler's chauffeur said that Ava was, quote, the unhappiest woman in Germany. I bet. She's banging Hitler.

That sounds terrible. She spent most of her life waiting for Hitler. I think there were a few unhappier women in Germany at this time. Oh, yes, that's true. I'm sorry. Yep. Two separate times. She tried to kill herself.

Many historians believe this was a way to get Hitler's attention, but she also suffered from depression. Eventually, though, Eva Braun accepted her ambiguous role in Hitler's life. She was a young woman. She liked to party, which Hitler did not like. She spent most of her time at Hitler's mountain retreat in Ober Salzburg. She liked to swim. She skied, read books, watched movies, danced. It's not clear if they had sex.

That is still up for debate today. Okay. We have no idea. Despite Hitler's absence, Ava Braun was fanatically loyal to Hitler. And now that she was... We get grooming works. Now she was in the Fura bunker and she was ready to die with him. Ava Braun, future topic.

Yeah, I would be very interested. Yeah, I'd like to know more about her. Because some of this stuff of her attempting to die by suicide twice and that being brushed off as cries for attention. Just the second you said it, I thought, mm, that reeks of bullshit to me. It might not be total bullshit, but oh, she just wants attention,

maybe, or maybe she's been groomed for years by one of the worst people in the history of the world. Maybe that fucks with you a bit. I also tried to find out more about her, like, feelings on Nazis. Mm-hmm. And most historians say that, like, She didn't care about politics, basically.

Mm-hmm. But I'm also of the opinion of, okay, you're literally dating Hitler, so I think you're a Nazi too, right? But see, I even resist that because now that I know the age difference and when this shit started, I don't know how much choice you have. First of all, no one's dumping Hitler. Okay. You're not getting out of this, ever. That's an interesting assessment, yeah. I think it's an obvious assessment.

I'm just saying it's something I never thought of. It sounds like a lot of historians have not thought of that. I mean, that's ridiculous to me. Yeah, well, and to be fair, I haven't read like specific biographies on Abraham Braun. This was from historians that were studying Hitler. And a lot of the sources were written quite a few years ago. Yeah. I don't know.

It's funny because it's also possible. Maybe she was a total piece of shit. But I think you can't escape the age gap and you can't escape that he met her. when she was a literal teenager. Yeah. I just think of that phrase that's like, if you're at a dinner of 10 people and one person is a Nazi,

then you're at a dinner with 10 Nazis, something like that. Oh, I've not heard that one. Yeah, if you're hanging around with a Nazi, then you're probably a Nazi. Yeah, if you're putting up with it, if you're going along, sure, I get that. So Ava Braun is in the Fjöder bunker now,

and she brought her two Scottish terrier dogs with her. I didn't know she had Scottish Terrier dogs, so I was Googling. Uh-huh. And I found an auction for one of her dog's collars. Oh, weird. It was super weird. It was a dog collar, and it had a ton of, like, gold swastikas on it. Oh, my God.

Sold for $4,500. Ew. Yeah. Fuck. Isn't that weird? Yeah, that's really weird. Why would you want that? I don't know.

I wouldn't want it. You would or wouldn't? I wouldn't. Okay, good. It'd be going to Goodwill. Immediately. Or I would just destroy it. On April 16th, the day after Ava Braun arrived at the bunker, Hitler got more bad news.

The Russians had launched their offensive against Berlin. To the east, 750,000 men, 1,800 tanks, 17,000 guns, mortars rocket launchers. To the south, the Ukrainians attacked with 50,000. 500,000 men, 1,400 tanks. There were even more Russian troops coming from the north. In total, 2.3 million Soviet troops were surrounding Berlin. Well, gee, it sure sounds like Hitler is fuddly upped. Mm-hmm.

Hitler's delusion was almost at its peak. Here's what he wrote. If every soldier on the Eastern Front fulfills his duty in the coming days and weeks, this final attack will fall apart. Just as in the end, the attack by our enemies in the West will also fail no matter what. He's not even giving up reasons why. He's just saying it's going to fail. If we all do our part, which is to kill, I don't know, 500 soldiers apiece, then it'll be fine.

In this hour, the whole German nation looks to you, my warriors of the east, and only hopes that by your steadfastness, by your fanaticism, by your weapons, and under your initiative, the Bolshevik attack will drown in a sea of blood. It's bullshit if I'd say. Bolshivik? Sorry. As millions died across Europe, from battle, from starvation, from bombs, from mass murder, from genocide, Adolf Hitler hid in his bunker. refusing to surrender. Brave.

According to Dr. Morel, Hitler only left the bunker for 30 minutes a day to walk blondie. He was selfish, arrogant, narcissistic, cruel, disgusting, evil, deluded, and in two weeks, he would be dead. On the next episode of an old-timey podcast, I'll detail the final 10 days of Adolf Hitler's life. I am loving this. Really? Yes. Great. I am fascinated.

I'm glad to hear that. What have you learned today, Kristen? Just curious. Was it the big, smelly doctor? Dr. Morel? Was it the cocaine eyedrops? A lot of stuff kind of makes sense, really. Like, okay, Hitler's on a bunch of different drugs.

Yeah, that makes total sense. He gets a report that has probably been very intentionally written with the first line. as the worst line. The war is lost. The war is lost. That guy who wrote that new, once he gets a sense for where this report's going, he's going to chuck it. So I'm going to make the first line. Undeniable.

He has to read it. Yeah. Yeah, it's just, it's all stuff that makes sense. The delusion, almost believing in like a fairy tale, like FDR's dead. So now everything's going to be totally fine for Germany. What a weird... Yeah. What a weird thought.

The thing that I had never really thought about until I started researching this, I never thought about what he was doing by refusing to surrender. What do you mean? How many people needlessly died because of this selfish asshole who was told by many higher-ups, we cannot win the war. It is over. And he just kept fighting, just refusing to surrender. In addition to the genocide. Yes. I'm saying like when he was like, I should have killed myself at the Wolf Slayer back in November of 1944.

How many people died between November of 1944 and April of 1945? Yeah. That's a good point. Just something I never thought about, I guess. Yeah. You know, obviously I knew Hitler was fucking horrible and did. these horrible things, but yeah, it never occurred to me like what his selfishness did. How many people died because of that?

Yeah. God, this is fascinating. I'm glad you think so. I was real, like, nervous to talk about Hitler. Okay. This is, I mean, the history channel is all about Hitler, so obviously people like it. Yeah, but you know, like to learn about this. You know, writing jokes with stuff.

Oh, we can make fun of Hitler all day long. I'm not worried about making fun of Hitler. I'm just honestly, my concern is did I make fun of him enough? Listen. What? We know he almost died from gas pills. Mm-hmm. The jokes write themselves.

You know what? I see why all these old straight white guys get so into World War II. I'm starting to get a sense for it. It is kind of interesting. I think it's an easy thing to get into because it's like a very clear good versus evil. Yeah. It's like. Absolutely.

So it is easy to get into the World War II because of that. Folks, if you hate Hitler, then give us a five-star rating and a review. Great idea. Only do it if you hate Hitler, though. Yes. And if you really hate Hitler, like more than the average person, if you want to really prove you hate Hitler, you should sign up for a picture. This is terrible. This is terrible.

No, I'm excited about this. topic, Norm. I'm eager to learn. I'm a curious history ho. Here I am. I can't wait till we get to the conspiracy theory episode. That's going to be all laughs. Okay. I promise. Okay. I want to know where they spotted Hitler eating that hot dog. Well, Norm, you know what they say about history hoes. We always cite our sources. That's right. For this episode, I got my information from the Last Days of Hitler, the Legends, the Evidence, the Truth by Anton You'll Akumstala. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich by William Shire. And Hitler's Death, The Case Against Conspiracy, by Luke Daly Groves.

That's all for this episode. Thank you for listening to an old-timey podcast. Please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. And while you're at it, subscribe. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. Hey, maybe follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Old Timey Podcasts. Oh, and on TikTok, too. We have zero followers and zero views on our videos there.

Okay, I guess we have a TikTok now. And follow us individually on Instagram. She is Kristen Pitts-Karuso. I am gaming historian. And until next time, Tudaloo, Tata, and cheerio.