An Old Timey Podcast - 24: An 18th Century Robot That…Played Chess??

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Wolfgang von Kempelen was unimpressed. Empress Maria Theresa had invited him to attend a magic show, hoping he’d tell her how the tricks worked. Instead, he told her – and everyone else in her court – that the tricks just plain sucked. He claimed he could do better. Stunned, Maria gave him six months off work to create something that would dazzle her court. So, six months later, Wolfgang von Kempelen showed up with what he claimed was an automaton chess playing machine. It would soon become known simply as “The Turk.” People were amazed. A machine that could play chess???The Turk soon developed a life of its own. Remember, kids, history hoes always cite their sources! For this episode, Kristin pulled from: The book, “The Turk: The life and Times of the Famous 19th Century Chess-Playing Machine,” by Tom Standage“How a phony 18th-century chess robot fooled the world,” by Evan Andrews for History.com“The mechanical chess player that unsettled the world,” by Ella Morton for Slate.com“Debunking the Mechanical Turk helped set Edgar Allan Poe on the path to mystery writing,” by Kat Eschner for Smithsonian Magazine“The Mechanical Turk: AI Marvel or Parlor Trick,” Britannica “Turkish Gambit,” by Dick Teresi for The New York TimesAre you enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Then please leave us a 5-star rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts!Are you *really* enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Well, calm down, history ho! You can get more of us on Patreon at patreon.com/oldtimeypodcast. At the $5 level, you’ll get a monthly bonus episode (with video!), access to our 90’s style chat room, plus the entire back catalog of bonus episodes from Kristin’s previous podcast, Let’s Go To Court.

Hear ye, hear ye. You are listening to an old-timey podcast. I'm Kristen Caruso. And I once peed myself while walking home from school and acted like nothing happened. It's Normie C. And on this episode, I'll be talking about a chess robot. A chess robot? Norm, if you think we're going to talk about a chess robot after you just drop that bombshell about yourself, you're wrong.

Did that really happen? It did. And you just played it cool. Okay, I'll tell the story Because I was trying to think of what to say in the intro And for some reason I recalled the time I pissed myself walking home from school I was nine years old

I was within walking distance from school So me, my sister and a friend of mine that lived nearby We would all walk home And just walking down the street We were chatting and having a great time Somebody said something funny And I just like peed myself My jeans were just covered in piss

And I was just, I just, and I was like, uh-oh, uh-oh, but I just kept talking like, yeah, that's real funny, huh, great joke, today was fun today. I don't know if anyone noticed I had completely pissed myself. There is no way that your sister would have just let that slide if she'd noticed. I don't know, but I said goodbye to my friend. He went to his house. And Randy was like, oh my God, you beat yourself. Oh, so she did say something.

Okay. Yeah. and then I was like, don't tell mom, don't tell mom. For some reason, I was afraid to tell mom that I peed myself. I went right home, I put those jeans in the hamper, and I was like, problem solved. Crisis averted. Five minutes later, I hear my mom, why does that hamper smell like pee?

Okay, I was wondering. It's like, you could only get away with that for so long. Okay, so Robin was on the scene. Yeah, and so I fessed up that some, somehow I must have peed myself walking home. I think my mom could tell I was very a bit embarrassed and ashamed, and she was like, that's okay, and she just washed my pants, and that was the end of it. But that's the story.

Norm, I applaud you for your vulnerability and for sharing that story here today. Thank you. And for letting the world know that sometimes a joke's so good. You just got to piss your pants. I don't even know what we were talking about, but it must have been really funny. and I must have had a shitload of Sunny D that day or something. Speaking of really funny, I'm telling the story today. That's right.

Which means you're doing the Patreon plug. And you have told me that you fear that this Patreon plug will be the end of this podcast. Yes. We will have thousands of people unsubscribe from the Patreon. Okay. Many people will simply turn off the podcast once they start hearing this. Dear God, what are you about to do? But I have to do it because in my heart, I know it's right.

Okay. Sing along if you know the words. I don't think I do know the words. This sounds really familiar, though. This is an original song I wrote Kristen. I don't think it is. It is. Is the Beatles?

Yeah, it is. Our podcast. Oh, God. Is the best. Oh, and he sings too. So please listen in and forget about it. the rest. Oh, Norm, you're not a very good singer.

And your support is what we need. We sure do. And we'll try our best to make everything succeed. So uplifting. Tell me what is our show without your love.

Please sign up our Patreon slash old-timey podcast. All right, that's about all I can know. Norm, that was incredible. And if you were looking for a creative way to kill our show, I think you did. I've done it. Who needs the Beatles when you've got Norman Caruso? Actually, that was sung originally by George Harrison as his solo performance.

Oh, my God. He did not perform that with the Beatles. Okay. Okay. Well, boy, is my face red. Not because of that rendition. Norm, well done. Also, we're going to drop in a plug for another podcast we love. Crime Writers on. So we're going to drop it. And I can't believe I sang on this. Well, you know, they're probably not going to like it.

They're not going to like it one bit. Crime writers on. We love you. And here is their promo. Doodoo. Crime Writers On is the podcast where authors and journalists talk about the latest true crime series, documentaries, and podcasts. You talk about what's on the charts and find those up-and-coming podcasts you'll be talking about. It's like a fun and smart book club discussing what makes good storytelling and teaching how to become a critical listener. Or not. And stick around for the crime writer's thumbs up, thumbs down reviews.

It's the original True Crime Review podcast. Crime Writers On, wherever you get your book. Podcasts. Like probably right here. And we're back from the promo swap. Doodoo. Doodle. All right.

So, you want to talk to me about a chess robot. Yeah, kind of. Okay. Norm, prepare to be dazzled by this episode. This is a one-off, folks. One night only. Oh, neither one of us can sing. Yeah, you made fun of me for singing earlier.

And, well, no, you're actually a pretty decent singer. No, that's okay, though. Okay, so one little disclaimer I have to give before I get into this story. So there's a lot of great stuff online about this, but if you want the in-depth stuff. Yeah. I recommend the book The Turk by Tom Standage. That's what I read for this episode. And this is, you know, kind of a real messed up book report that I'm giving you today.

The Turk? The Turk. I thought we were talking about a chess playing robot. Keep your pants on. Stay tuned, sir. You're about to, you know, understand. I have a good name for a chess plane robot. What is it?

Robot Fisher. Oh. Like Bobby Fisher. That's not, okay. It's not that good? Not that good. Okay. I'll keep workshopping it.

Man, I'm just a big naysayer today. I shat all over your glorious rendition of George Harrison's song. And now here I am making fun of the fake robot you invented just now. I need to work on it. You're right. Okay. I accept your criticism. Thank you.

Picture it. Vienna, 1769. Dear God, Vienna, Austria? That's right. Ooh, 1769. Seven years war going on? Is there a, no, I guess I'd be over by then. God, I don't know.

Geez, boy, you know a lot of boring shit, don't you? Okay, anyway, continue. We're in the court of, Don't da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Wait a minute. Oh, the perfect sound. The Empress of Austria-Hungry, Maria Teresa. Maria Teresa.

And guess what? What? All the fancy people in Empress Maria Teresa's court were witnessing a magic show. Ooh. Courtesy of a French magician. I had a little magic kit when I was a kid. Was this before or after you peed yourself? Before I pissed myself.

The magic trick. How did I get this piss all over my pants? Watch as I turn these light blue jeans into dark blue jeans. He's amazing. So they're seeing this magic show. But there was a dude in the audience who wasn't the least little bit impressed. His name? Johnny Stick up a butt.

Wolfgang von Kempelin. Wolfgang von Kempelin? Yeah. Okay, I'll remember that name. The Empress had invited Wolfgang to the show because he had a background in physics and math. She figured it would be interesting to see what Wolfgang thought of this magician's tricks. Oh, well, he definitely wouldn't like him. He's a man of science.

Sure, sure. Really, what she wanted was for Wolfgang to explain the tricks to her. And for Wolfgang, this was a big opportunity. Why did you shake your head at that? What's wrong with that? I feel like a lot of magic tricks are like sleight of hand and illusions and like I don't think a scientist would necessarily qualify to like tell you how a magic trick worked. Wow. Tell me you didn't go to a magic show in 1769 without telling me you didn't go to a magic show in 1769.

You've got me. Yeah, you're about to learn, sir. I guess back then they were probably like, oh, this is witchcraft. Yeah. You know, at first they killed the witches and then they're like, oh, actually, this is pretty entertaining that they can make potions and stuff. Okay, it's funny you mentioned that. This is something I actually took out of the script. But this was kind of right after, well, not right after, because, you know, we still killed people for being witches or whatever.

But this was kind of as people were moving away from that, from being like, he's a vampire, she's a witch. Yeah, we're in the age of enlightenment. We're balls deep in it, actually. Balls deep, right. But around this time, people still had to be very careful, so they'd be like, just so everyone knows, this isn't black magic, this is white magic. Jesus Christ, help me pull this rabbit out of my hat.

I'm going to turn water into wine. So for Wolfgang, this was a big opportunity. He was 35, really smart, super ambitious. And it was a big deal. that he'd been invited to this event. Was he single? No, he was not. Also, he's super dead now,

so just calm down. You don't even have a shot. Can't I fantasize? Well, that's allowed, yes. About hot men in the Royal Vienna court? Here's the deal, Norm. If he could impress the Empress, then he might impress upon her

the pressing matter of improving his social standing, thus leaving a positive impression. on us all. That's a tongue twister. You just did. Impress the Empress impressions. I see what you did. I'm a very clever woman.

Some say I'm a witch in a vampire's body. No, you couldn't be a vampire. Why not? Because when you eat garlic, it's just like, you just reek of garlic. You're really shitty to me when I have a Caesar salad. You can spot it on me. I can sniff it on you. Yeah.

And if you were a vampire, you would just, die and shrivel up. That's true. Okay, fine. Not a vampire. So Wolfgang sat through the magic show, although it might not be entirely fair to call it a magic show, because the magician was a member of the Academy of Sciences. Oh. And although we don't know exactly what tricks he performed that day, we can reasonably assume that his performance was a mix of, yes, magic tricks, but also, eighth grade science experiments. I'm going to put baking soda in this volcano. Exactly. And, you know, showing off the latest technology.

Because as I've already said, Norm, it's 1769. We're balls deep into the age of enlightenment. There's this appreciation for science, for innovation. People were witnessing things they could have never dreamed of before. Simple things like mixing chemicals to create a little explosion. dropping Mentos into the Empress's Diet Coke or saying, pull my finger and farting with perfect timing, wowed and astonished audiences. I forgot that I kept that on there.

For this very moment. Perfect. Perfectly done, sir. Another big thing that wowed audiences? Atomitons. A who? Automatons. Automatons?

You ever heard of automaton? No, what is that? They were machines that sort of operated themselves, kind of. An early example would be like a cuckoo clock or a music box. Oh, like you wind it up with gears. Or like the drinking bird that you have behind you? It's kind of. Yeah.

Incredible. By the late 1700s, automaton inventors were really outdoing themselves. There was this guy who created a fucking sensation by making this duck that could quack, quack and eat pellets and then poop out the pellets. That's fun. Incredible! People were like, oh my God! Okay, you know what I do really love?

It's very, very entertaining to me. What? Those old-timey coin banks where you place a coin in like, it's like a little statue and you like place a coin in the hand of the statue and you pull a lever and it like eats the coin or it like puts it up its butt or... Puts it up its butt. It does something, you know. Okay, okay.

Yeah, it's like an old-timey coin bank. I love those things. You do love those things. You would have been very impressed in this court. I probably would have. I would have, too. A duck that poops? Great.

So much better than a real duck that actually poops. I would have said, it poops, but how? That same guy also made an automaton that looked like a human playing a flute? It was stunning. So impressive. These automaton's represented cutting-edge technology. So naturally all the rich royal folk got really competitive with each other. Every nation wanted to have the most impressive, most lifelike automaton,

because if they had that, it meant their dad really loved them. Would you want a Barbie Jeep automaton? Yeah. Don't bring up Barbie jeeps again. Sorry. At such a sore point. You know, I was thinking back then... If my parents really loved me, I would have had a Barbie Jeep. And if they still really love you, they'll get you one.

An actual Jeep. I'd be fine if it's just a toy one, too. It'd be pretty funny. That'd be pathetic. Seeing you try to fit in that thing and drive around the neighborhood. Oh, wow. Norm, I'm only 5'2 and 98 pounds. You're like 511.

Yeah. You definitely wouldn't fit in that Barbie Jeep. Yeah, no, don't worry about it. It's fine. I was thinking back then, that must have been very entertaining for those people. It's not like you're going to watch TV. Right. Or you can't put on a record. Yeah. So yeah, to see this machine that just like operates itself, they would entertain you for hours probably. I mean, it would do more than entertain. It would amaze you. You'd be wondering

how on earth did they do this? And is it black magic and should I behead them? Yep. Straight to the guillotine. That day in the Empress's court, the magician finished. his little performance and afterward the Empress turned to Wolfgang and asked what he'd thought of the tricks. And Wolfgang did not hold back. Oh. He was like, how about it sucked? You call those magic tricks? You know what?

You give me some time? I could come up with a way better magic trick than what that guy just did. He was not impressed. Not at all. He's a skeptic. Yeah. Pretty bold statement. also pretty rude.

In fact, when Wolfgang said that, everyone in the court just laughed at him. But he was serious. He really believed that he could do better. Oh, now he's going to make a spite automaton. Okay, I'm a fan. You do love a spite move. Here we go. Runs on spite and crystal light, as we like to say on this podcast.

Yeah, first this guy invented Crystal Light, and then he made a spite automaton. You'll love to see it. Listen, if he actually did that, that invented crystal light and created a spite automaton, we would have his portrait in the background of one of our video shots. We should find out who invented crystal light and have a statue made. We should have, go to our nearest mountain, you know. You know, my buddy has a 3D printer. We could 3D print little statues. I want whoever invented the crystal light next to the presidents on Mount Rushmore. I will not stop

until this happens. History, hoes, if you could do us a favor and tell us who invented Crystal Light, that would be most helpful. Thank you. We don't have Google. We only have Bing. So we're going to need you to do that work for us. So since he'd said this, the Empress was now in kind of a weird spot.

So she was like, okay, go do it. I'll give you six months off from your official duties. And in that time, I want you to come up with a machine that is more impressive than what we've seen here today. Six months off from work? Yeah. Man, that's great. Is it?

I mean... And he's still getting paid? Well, yeah, but now... He just has to make a little automaton. Okay, but you said something shitty at a performance, and now you've got to totally outdo this French guy? Wait, is this one of those things where if he does not make the automaton, they'll just kill him, they'll, like, execute him or something?

I mean, I don't know that that's... Those are the stakes, but I mean, certainly his pride is... Yeah, the stakes are much higher if it's like... Yeah, take six months off and make your own automaton. And if it's not better than what we've seen today, I'm going to execute you. I mean, it doesn't seem that far out of the realm of possibilities, honestly. Oh, God. Okay. So Wolfgang went home, and for six months, he just hung out in his little workshop, working away.

Worth noting Wolfgang had talked a very big game, especially when you consider that he'd never created an automaton before. Also, when you consider that he didn't have any experience. as a showman. But he definitely had the brain for this job. Smart guy, sure. The dude spoke at least six languages fluently. He was well-versed in the law.

He single-handedly translated the Hungarian civil code from Latin to German. Thank you very much. Is he Hungarian? I don't know. I probably, I don't know. I feel connection to this man because I am Hungarian. He might not be. Hungarian. I'd have to look that up.

Okay. He'd been the director of a bunch of salt mines, and he'd used his knowledge of hydraulics to create a system of pumps that would stop the mines from flooding. He'd also worked as what we would now call a city planner. Man, this guy's done it all.

He'd also worked as what we'd now call a property brother, building homes. He was a property brother? He'd also worked as what we'd now call a pond star starting Austria-Hungary's very first pawn shop. What the hell? He'd also worked as what we now call

Shell Silverstein as a poet. He'd also worked as what we'd now call David Hasselhoff for writing music. And he was also... Excuse me. He was also super hot. Rumor has it. He twas the Dan Campbell of his day.

I'm about to bust. Me too, Hank. For real? For real to what? Okay. Wait a minute. Why did you say David Hasselhoff for the music part? Oh, well, that was just to be hilarious because I'm very funny.

Didn't he have a song in like the 80s that he's sung in German? Yeah. Yeah. Du Haas or something. Germans really loved him. Do. Oh. Do.

That is beautiful. Norm, if we could get more of your singing on this podcast, I think it'd really take us places. I'm telling you, this podcast is over after this episode, okay? The point is, Wolfgang had no shortage of talent. He set out to create something amazing, something deceptive, something innovative. And after just six months, he was pretty sure he'd pulled it off. So in the spring of 1770, everybody was back in Empress Maria Teresa's court, ready to be impressed. Let's see it. What's he got?

When Maria gave the okay, Wolfgang rolled a massive thing in front of the court. Great descriptor. It was a cabinet. Okay. And it was kind of big. It was four feet long, two and a half feet deep, three feet tall. It was a cabinet? Yeah, kind of.

Kind of a, you know, box daly. Okay. There were three drawers along the front of the cabinet. All of them were the same size. There was one long drawer underneath the other three. On top of the cabinet sat a chess board. and attached to that whole thing, sort of sitting at the cabinet as if it were a table, was a life-sized wooden man.

The man wore a turban and an elegant robe. He stared intently at the chessboard. In his left hand, he held a long Turkish pipe. His right hand lay on the cabinet as if to say, "'Sup, baby, I'm casual.'" Right off the bat, Norm, this was the coolest thing ever, because at the time, Turkish shit was very hip and very exotic. People really appreciated Turkish clothing, the music, the coffee, appreciated, appreciated, appreciated, appropriated, appreciated.

Anyhow, everyone was impressed. I caught that. You didn't. I caught it. Yes. Then Wolfgang said something nuts. He said, I have invented an automaton chess player. This thing.

plays chess. Bullshit. How dare you, Norman? No, it doesn't. Can I make a guess? I don't know. Can you? This life-size

Turkish chess-playing robot is actually just a man that plays chess that is acting like a robot. If you were to act like a robot, what would you do? Oh, oh, everyone,

we are seeing. in some moves. You know, stiff movements, stare straight ahead. What happened to my husband? He used to be so lifelike. Your parents purchased me to marry you. Norman, I had many eligible suitors. Many.

He did. Dozens. There's dozens of us. Citation needed. So he tells him he's made this thing that plays chess. And Norman was a total hater, but he wasn't even alive yet, so don't worry about Norman. Worry about the fact that then Wolfgang reached into his pocket and, oh, took out a set of keys.

Uh-huh. He used one of the keys to open one of the cabinets, three top doors. He let the audience peer inside of it. It was filled with, you know, complicated machinery. It looked kind of like the inside of a clock. Don't look at me so smugly, okay? This must be how the chess plane robot operates. To demonstrate that they were seeing all the way through the cabinet,

he then went to the opposite side and opened another door. He held a candle in front of it so that the people who were peering through from the other side could see there was no false back. It'd be funny if he mooned the audience from the other side. Can you see my ass? Can you see my butthole, huh? Once everyone had seen what they needed to see, he closed those doors and locked the door. Then he went back to the front and opened that long drawer at the bottom. In it were chess pieces.

He placed them one by one on the board. Then he closed that drawer and locked it. Yeah. You got to lock it or else the machine won't operate. Norm, it's very complicated, okay? And I don't expect you to fully understand. Then he opened the two other doors. He allowed the audience to look in.

I hope none of them were haters like you are today. They saw an area that was lined with green cloth and, you know, more wheels, more cogs, more clock stuff. It was all very technical. Sure. They also saw items. A small casket. What? A little red cushion.

A board full of letters. Like a Ouija board. Uh-huh. Wolfgang took those three items out and set them on a nearby table. What the hell is the casket for? Was it like a little casket, like a, for a doll? Yeah, an adorable little casket. We're all picturing it.

We love it. We're not creeped out at all. Where is this going? Then he went to the back of the cabinet, opened it up, just like he'd done before, and he placed the candle in the opening so that everyone could see completely through the cabinet. Again, he made a big show of opening the cabinet up, giving it a spin so that everyone could see inside the cabinet. Another point he was making was this cabinet's not attached to anything, okay? It's a free independent cabinet.

Yeah, but if this mannequin is just a real person, then, yeah, show us the cabinet all you want. Oh, it sounds like you're a little suspicious of the mannequin. Well, great, we're on to him next. Okay. Because the next thing to examine was the wooden man. Wolfgang partially undressed the wooden man. Oh, no. Which was very sexual because he was a real guy.

No. Revealing a little door on its back and a little door on its left thigh. He opened each door to reveal what looked like, you know, the inside of a clock. More clock stuff. We love it. Yeah. He let the audience take their time studying what he built. And when they were satisfied, he gave the cabinet a final spin and closed and locked every door and drawer.

It was showtime, baby. He put the red cushion beneath the wooden man's elbow for comfort, and he removed the long pipe. He reached into the cabinet and did something. Okay. Then he took out two candelabra and set them on the cabinet near the wooden man so that everyone could clearly see the chessboard. Ah, yeah. And then he took out a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and placed it between him and the mannequin. and they began eating them.

It was a romantic dinner. Norm, you are full of shit. This is a man of science, okay? Please, please. Have some respect. I'm just imagining him and be like, yes, it's a chess playing robot, and it just spirals into him going on a romantic dinner day with the robot. While everyone watches and waits for them to play chess.

While the horrid watches. Are you just really hungry right now? Is that the real story? I am hungry. I had a cheese stick before we did this. I guess you're wishing you had some spaghetti and meat. balls. I had some carrots. I had some celery. I had some peppers. Okay, healthy boy. Don't need to brag to us. Then Wolfgang took out the little coffin. He opened it so that the lid blocked the audience's view of what was

inside. Huh. Creeped out yet. Then he asked for a volunteer. Who would play chess against the amazing automaton chess player? Count Colt. Benzel was like, oh, oh, it's me. Come, me so bad. When you were young, when you raised your hand, did you ever support it? And I would get so annoyed when the teacher would call on them because I always thought they were encouraging bad behavior. Yeah, I was a fun child.

I did it. I would raise my hand. I can tell. And then when your arms getting tired, you take your other arm and you support the back side of it so you can keep your hand up longer. Yeah, I wanted to answer those questions. So bad! Little Normie always had the answer.

Yeah, us non-threatening boys are always eager to answer questions in class. So Wolfgang is like, okay, okay, you, you, I choose you. But let me tell you the rules for this chess game. Number one, the automaton has to go first. Number two, the automaton has to use the white pieces. Number three, when you make a move, that's it, no takebacks. Number four, when you make a move, you have to place your chest piece directly in the middle of the square. Count Cobenzel agreed.

Everyone watched with bated breath as Wolfgang prepared the machine for its big debut. Did it have a pull-start engine? Kind of. He took out his biggest key. and inserted it into the cabinet. How many freaking keys does this guy have? Don't worry about it. He's a very important guy.

He's got several. Then he got to cranking. Crank, crank, crank, crank, crank. E or E, or E, or E, or. Crank, crank, crank. Okay, that sounds oddly sexual cranking it. And then you sound like some old bedposts rocking. Norm, that's your energy you're bringing here today.

And then he started having sex with the robot. with those little peep holes on his back. Turns out there was no chess at all. Then he stopped cranking. And then, oh my God, do you hear that? It sounded like a clock. The machine was whirring away. It was gaining speed.

Things were happening. All of a sudden, the wooden figure came to life. Yeah, because it's... an actual human being. His head moved from side to side. And then, whoa, his left arm lifted up in the air. Come on. It came forward.

The fingers splayed. He grasped a piece, moved it. And then the wooden man rested his arm back on the cabinet. On the little red cushion? Probably. The audience was a mess. The game continued with Wolfgang standing nearby, looking occasionally into that little casket. Meanwhile, the automaton continued to amaze.

When it made a particularly good move and that chump Count Cobenzel's queen was in danger, the wooden man nodded twice. Come on. This is so obviously a person. When he placed Count Cobenzel's king in check, the wooden man nodded three times. Don't look at me like that. Quit nodding at me like that. When Count Cobenzel attempted an illegal move, the wooden man shook his head. Sad.

Very sad. And he put the Count's piece back where it belonged. Wait, if the Count did an illegal move, the robot recognized it was an illegal move and put the piece back. And shamed him by shaking his head from the... side to side. Yes. Did it do a wag of the finger? It did not, but it did have the technology, I'm sure. This is ridiculous. Okay. You're ridiculous for being so hateful in the face of new technology. I'm just wondering how these people fell for this. Every now and then Wolfgang had to step in and wind the machine back up again. Yeah, of course. Brink, break, but who cares? You know, how long does your cell phone hold a charge? Okay.

You know what, if I crank it every few hours, it charges. It's fine. The important thing is that the automaton stopped Count Cobenzel's ass. It wiped the floor with him. Other people volunteered, but they were no match for the automaton. Stopped him, stopped him, stopped him. Everyone was delighted. The Empress was so impressed that she had Wolfgang come back and show off this amazing

automaton to foreign leaders, to visiting royalty, basically anyone she wanted to impress. And everyone thought it was so cool. Wait till the robot farts. You won't be able to hold them in every time. People talked about it. The robot farting? No, Norman. They talked about it.

They wrote articles about it. No one could figure out how it worked exactly. but they wanted to know they had to know how does it work people thought that maybe the machine relied on magnets no it's a person they tried bringing their own magnets to see if they could throw it off but it didn't work was to just throw magnets at the guy they thought maybe if they you know had their own real powerful magnet it'd throw everything off and you know one time for christmas my grandma got me singing magnets what she saw them on tv and bought them for me. Was this a QVC purchase? It may be. I promise you it was.

My grandma loves QVC, by the way. Yes. Yeah. There's no way she watches KVC more than any other channel. But yeah, they were these two, they looked like rocks. Uh-huh. And you throw them up in the air. Shut up.

Yes. And then they like, you know, magnetized together. And they, they twirl as they fall and they go, we, we, we, we, we, we. Okay. I feel like you just unlocked. decor memory. I feel like my, my grandma got me those. Everyone, reach out. Did we all get singing magnets from our grandmas one year for Christmas? Well, full disclosure, I got my singing magnets when I was like 24 years old. Um, listen, my grandma got me day of the week underwear when I was a sophomore

in high school. So, you know, sometimes the time is off with grandmas. Yes. So you know what day it was. You got to keep track somehow. It's Friday. Time to change these bad boys. We got some bad skid marks in this one. Now I definitely know it's Friday. So, you know, the magnets thing? No, it wasn't magnets. But there was also this rumor that some rich dude in Baghdad had a monkey who could play chess. So maybe...

Now that's probably real. Yeah. Some people theorized that maybe Wolfgang had taken that monkey, stuffed it inside the automaton, and everyone was getting their asses handed to them by a very smart, very quiet monkey. No, the monkey would have been crushed by the gears in there, okay? It would have been splattered everywhere. Oh, my God. People also thought that maybe a child was inside the contraption. Maybe a little person. Maybe a fully grown man who'd had his legs blown off. Did anybody check the mannequin more carefully? He showed them the mannequin. He opened two little doors. They saw the clockwork in there. It wasn't some suit that a real person was wearing.

I don't feel like answering that question right now. I'm just, there's just no way this is a chess playing robot. Oh, ye of little faith, Norman. And no, they didn't take a monkey and throw it in there. That seems really convoluted to add a monkey to the machine too. The monkey has to operate this thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of pressure for a little monkey.

You know, all these theories about a monkey. or a dude with his legs blown off, really pissed off the people who'd seen the actual demonstration. They were like, we've seen inside the cabinet, there's no room for a child or a man or a monkey in there. Okay, maybe a really skinny monkey,

but let's be reasonable. Other people thought that maybe Wolfgang was secretly in control somehow. Was it possible that he was using really tiny invisible wires to control the machine? Oh. Was it possible that he was using very spooky witchcraft?

by peering into that tiny coffin and telling the machine what to do telepathically. You really can't rule anything out, no matter how stupid. Telepathy is a great theory on how this works. The truth was nobody could figure out how the thing worked, but they did know one thing that this thing was amazing. And that's how, this thing, this thing that Wolfgang had developed in just six months after making a shitty remark at a magic show, developed a life of its own.

Suddenly, the chess playing automaton had a name. Folks called it the Turk. Ah, so that's where the title of the book comes from. That's right. Do you ever watch a movie and they say the name of the movie? Yes, and I'm always like, oh! Yeah. I'm never not amazed.

And I'm also, I'm like, hey, I know what's going on here. I never like it when they do that. It makes me feel like I'm in on something. It truly was a walk to remember. With Mandy Moore? That's right. That was like a tearjerker, wasn't it? Didn't she have like cancer or something?

I actually never saw it. Yeah, I think she like has cancer and dies in that movie. Well, thanks, Norm. I'm telling a pretty lighthearted tale here. Way to bring up cancer. Yeah. Sorry about that. Don't worry, everyone.

Mandy Moore's just fine. We're pretty sure. Just in the movie, she'd done. The thing that was so amazing about the Turk wasn't necessarily that it looked so lifelike or moved so fluidly, because to be honest, it didn't. The thing that was amazing was that it seemed to be thinking.

It was like AI, Norm. Wow. That automaton duck could do three things, eat shit and quack, end of list, but the Turk played off its opponent. It didn't follow a, a sequence of moves? Yeah, very interesting. You know, something, Wolfgang had kind of a weird reaction to all the fanfare around his invention. I mean, he'd clearly just invented the best thing

ever, but he didn't really want to talk about it. Gee, I wonder why. Didn't really want to show it off all that much, but he didn't have a choice. The Turk was a sensation. Can somebody please inspect the mannequin more closely. Norm, I'm not leaving you alone with any mannequins at any time. You seem too interested. Full cavity search on the mannequin. At first, at least, the Turk had a really positive impact on Wolfgang. The Empress gave him a massive pay raise.

She was so blown away by what he'd done that she was like, you know what, I need to give you more challenging work and more freedom. So with more money and more autonomy, Wolfgang flourished. You could work from home now? Probably. He designed what was essentially like a sprinkler system slash fountain system for her gardens. He designed bridges.

He began working on a typewriter that could be used by people with visual impairments. He began working on a machine that he hoped would imitate a human voice. He problem solved. He experimented. He loved it. It was all so fulfilling. Finally, he had the money and the freedom to push himself intellectually. But it didn't seem to matter what Wolfgang did or what he accomplished or what new thing he was dreaming up. People always wanted to talk to him about the Turk.

Well, yeah, because they're still like, how the fuck does this thing work? Yeah. I mean, it's so far advanced than anything else out there. Of course people are curious about the Turk. Yeah. Again, you go from a duck shitting and quacking. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. We love it.

Honestly, I'd be really impressed by that in the 1700s. I'd be impressed today. Yeah, that's very entertaining. You know that toy duck that you would drag along and it had wheels and it would quack as you dragged along? I was impressed by that as a kid. Your grandma got you that when you were 25. That honestly would not shock me.

My grandma can get me some strange gifts. But I love her to death. That's right. I have kind of a hippie grandma. You do? Mm-hmm. A hippie grandma who loves QVC. Yes.

It's a good combo. She has some really hot takes, too, my grandma. Oh, my God. Please tell the story of my grandma's take on... What's that guy's name? Kovorkian. Oh, okay. Everyone, Norm's grandma.

She is a gym. she also, you know, says whatever the hell she wants to say because she's a lady of a certain age. And boy, does she have strong opinions. One time we were visiting her and this commercial came on and she lives in Michigan. So this commercial came on for this attorney. And I recognized him as the guy who represented Dr. Kovorkian, like this really splashy attorney. And Dr. Kovorkian, if you don't know, is the guy who was kind of pioneering assisted suicides for people who were really sick and didn't want to suffer anymore. You know, controversial.

But so we're sitting there in the recliners. And I said something about Dr. Kovorkian. And Norm's grandma says to me, you know, I always kind of agreed with him. And I said, I'm glad you said that because I do too. Yeah. And I started to launch into my own story of, you know, my grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was terrible. And like one of the most terrible things about it was that he lived for a couple years in a state that we all knew he would he would not want to live in.

Yeah, it was a long drawn out process. Yes. And he had said earlier when he was diagnosed, like, hey, if I get too bad, you know, just shoot me. and of course you can't do that. And that's not how we would want him to go. But anyway, so that's kind of where I was thinking the conversation was going. And Norm's grandma said, yeah, the population's just gotten out of control. Jesus.

I was like, oh, okay, that's not why I thought it was okay, but all right. I wish I thought I had a sound bite for that, but I don't. Here, I will just... It was not a stand-up routine from Grandma, which he actually believes that. Another hot take from Norm's grandma, if your town is hit by a tornado, do not rebuild. Just move somewhere else. That's God telling you. God is telling you, don't build a town here.

I love my grandma. She's a gym. Yep. Anyway, the Turk. people are obsessed with the Turk. Yeah, and they're like, Wolfgang, bust it out again, show it off. Why hide something so amazing? That's what women say about my penis.

All the time. Random people on the street. Men and women. Oh, I'm glad that the men got involved too. No, no one has ever said that, ever. Wolfgang did occasionally give in to these demands, just as Norm occasionally does. but only when he really had to most of the time he lied and said that the Turk was damaged

and needed to be repaired. It's in the shop. Yeah, it's in the shop. Yeah, it's in the shop. Yeah. Maha. Needs oil change. All those gears grinding, you know.

People, of course, offered to buy the Turk, but Wolfgang always refused to sell it. Really, he hoped that the buzz around the Turk would just go away. It's not. Yeah. Because it's out of this world. It's unbelievable. Literally unbelievable.

Yeah. The buzz never went away. Of course it didn't. Never. Years passed and people still talked about it. So in 1781, 11 years after he'd first demonstrated the term. Oh my God. And a year after Empress Maria Teresa died,

Maria's son, Joseph II, was now the emperor of Austria-Hungary. And the son of Catherine the Great was coming to visit. visit. Joseph the second was like, I got to go balls out. So he went to Wolfgang. And he was like, I have some very important guests coming and I'm going to need you to bust out the Turk. And Wolfgang was like, no, but I can't say no because you're the emperor. I just let that guy go. I have to go find him again. My chess plane friend. Norman. So he did it. He busted the Turk out. He did the whole show and unfortunately everyone loved it. Catherine the great son, the Grand Duke Paul.

Paul's kind of... Grand Duke Paul? Yeah, that sounds kind of stupid. I feel like Paul... Yeah, he needs a more royal name. I feel like the name has to be longer, don't you? Yeah, it needs to be Polly. Grand Duke Polly.

With an eye. With an eye, yeah. With a heart on it, obviously. Grand Duke Paul was like, this thing is amazing. You should take it on a gigantic tour of Europe. Everyone should see this. And I'll fund it. And it's going to happen.

Yep, yep. The whole court was like, oh my God, yes. Oh, wonderful. What a great idea. I wish I thought of it. Is this not a movie? How has this not been made into a comedy film? It should be.

It really should be. feature film in the comedy genre, as I like to describe a comedy film. And the first time they say The Turk, everyone in the audience is like, ah, because yeah, that's the name of the movie. And also they said it on the screen. I'm keeping up. I'm watching the correct film because they said the name of it. I know. I bought the ticket and I went into the correct theater and I'm a very smart person. Here I sit. Emperor Joseph II was like, yes. In fact, Wolfgang, I am going to. going to give you the next two years off so that you can demonstrate the Turk all over Europe.

Yep, you made your bed, buddy. Hey, at the beginning of this story, you were all about a spite automaton, and now you're like, ha, ha, ha. Well, if he had actually made a real automaton, sure. Maybe he did. I don't think he did. Maybe he did. Maybe he's using telepathy with the small coffin.

No, I think he hired his buddy to act like a robot and play chess, and he's been doing it for 11 years. So Wolfgang heard this and, you know, he's like, oh, yeah, what a great idea. I'd love to do that because I'm so proud of this thing. Yeah. Yeah, the truth was Wolfgang wasn't happy. He was in the middle of creating a potentially revolutionary machine that could emulate the human voice, but all of a sudden he had to fuck off for two years and be old-timey David

Blaine all because of this thing he'd invented 11 years ago because he thought a French guy sucked it magic. See what Spike can do to you, folks. Yeah, it's not always good. It's not always good. And I could have used that machine that replicated the human voice earlier on this episode. For what? When I sang.

Oh. That terrible song. Norm, you shouldn't feel ashamed. That was a glorious moment. Maybe I could sell MP3s of my performance. What if a music producer calls? You've got it, baby. You've got it. First of all, I want to see your penis because that's something all people say to you.

Okay. And I want to hear you sing, kid. You got it, sir. I don't know who you are, but let's do it. So, in the spring of 1783, Wolfgang loaded up the fam. He got his wife, daughter, son, they headed off to Paris where people took their chess very seriously. Oh, I hope some chess grandmaster. What? Well, that's a good question.

Has anyone beaten the robot up to this point, or is the robot underwent? I believe it's undefeated until this point, but that's about to change. Yeah. Someone bust out the chess grandmaster to compete against this robot. All right. All right. That's what's going to happen. So just calm down.

Bobby Fisher, baby. As you can probably imagine, the people in France love the Turk. They were wowed by it. The chess players in France were good enough that they did beat the Turk every now and then. In fact, the top chess player in France played against the Turk in front of members of the Academy of Sciences, and he beat the Turk pretty easily. I mean, it really wasn't too much of a contest. But the dude was spooked by the thing. How the F! was it so good at chess!

Because it's a human being! Benjamin Franklin, who was so into chess that he literally wrote a book about it, played the Turk, and he got defeated by the Turk, and he was pretty salty about it. it. Ben Franklin? Yeah. Wow. Wow. He was the ambassador to France.

Yes, he was. That's very interesting. Having the Turk on display in public where just about anyone could pay a fee to watch the thing at work meant that it had more eyes on it. Some people thought they were witnessing technology at its finest. Others thought they were witnessing deception at its finest. No one could ever agree, though, on how the deception was. worked, but they developed some theories.

Let's hear the theories. Okay. The Parisian science boys noticed that there was a studded cylinder inside the cabinet, and they figured that maybe the cylinder could set off certain sets of chess moves and that maybe Wolfgang was using a hidden magnet in his pocket to, you know, toggle between those sets of chess moves. No. Oh, okay.

And maybe that explained why he had to go back to the machine. and crank it so many times. Maybe that was when he switched the machine to a new set of moves. Every time you say he had to go crank it. I'm just saying, you know, masturbating in this cat. North, that is your problem, okay? I'm sorry, okay? In other words, they figured that the Turk was beating people at chess

using a combination of clever engineering and, yeah, good old-fashioned trickery. Before they could develop any more theories, Wolfgang took the Turk to, It's next destination. London, England. Woo! Guess what, Norm? The Brits love the Turk. People shelled out good money to see it.

One dude who came to see it was Philip Thickness. Wait a second. Say that name again? Philip Thickness. Let me spell this last name to you. It's even better when it's spelled. T-H-I-C-K-N-E-S-S-E. Thickness.

Thickness. And Mr. Thickness was amazed. Amazed and pissed off. He couldn't believe that people were so naive as to think that the Turk was some kind of technologically advanced automaton. So he did what people did in old-timey times when they were really mad. He wrote a very mean pamphlet all about how the... Turk was just a big dumb trick. Are you down with the thickness?

Is that how he signed off the letter? He was like, first of all, Wolfgang is a low-class magician, the type you'd see at a TGI Fridays on a Tuesday. Oh, God. He looks into that little coffin thing, or he goes and touches the Turk, or he randomly cranks the crank, and it's all designed to fool you. Clearly, there's a 10-year-old stuffed inside the cabinet. No.

Yes, and that little squirt is able to see the board because there's a mirror on the ceiling, I'm pretty sure. And also, the reason that the Turk is on display for an hour a day is because little Timmy can't stay inside the cabinet forever. Duh, think with your head, people. Thickness out. No. Also, magicians showing up to your table while you're trying to eat is the cringiest thing of all time. It has happened to us before. It happened once.

It was horrible. Never forget. We'll never forget. It was, oh, gosh, you felt bad for the magician. I do. I do. I just felt bad all around. It made my night terrible.

It ruined everything. Worth noting, we did not have a child at the table. No. It was me, you, and your father, who we call DP. I do not call him DP. That is. No, there is initials. DP.

Yes. But yeah, we were sitting there and enjoying a nice meal. and this magician comes up and goes, could I perform some tricks for you? And I think none of us had the heart to be like, no thanks. We were just like, okay. And he did some card trick. And your dad was very nice about it.

He was just like, oh, that's pretty neat. And then that was the end of it. Yeah. But that will make me not want to go back to the restaurant. Now we know, folks. If you ever want Norm to leave, just start showing him magic tricks. While I'm trying to eat I think anytime

I think anywhere you are If someone comes up to you and they're like Would you like to see this magic trick You'll be like I have somewhere to be I'm so sorry No I think if I was if I was like walking down the street And there was like a street magician

I don't know that might be fun No you're right I would be I would not like it Every now and that you say things Specifically on this podcast And I'm like Who do you think you are

You're in a fantasy land This is my imagination imagination where I'm a fun, outgoing person. Who sees a street performer doing magic tricks and is like, ah, I'd like to know more. I'd like to join this crowd of people. No. Every now and then, this crystal light gives me a tiny boost of serotonin where I'm like, wow, everything's great and I'm fun and cool.

And then I come crashing back down to reality. And I'm like, I don't like any of these things. Yeah, let me tell you what would really happen. You and I are on a walk. we see a crowd and a magician at the center. You would spot that from very far away and be like, we better cross the street. Yep. Damn it, you are right.

As Wolfgang continued his European tour, people developed more theories. They wrote more pamphlets. They wrote books. But by the end of that tour, no one had managed to figure out how the Turk actually worked. Did he let people inspect the Turk? I mean, they could see it. Yeah, but would he let them come up close and... I mean, they could be fairly close.

He can't get... He's not letting them put their grubby little hands all over the thing. Come on. Well, my theory still holds up. How? It's a man playing chess. This was a pretty big victory. So Wolfgang went back home and finally got to work on the stuff that really mattered to him.

You know what Wolfgang should do? What? He should dump gasoline on his machine and light it on fire and say, oh, no, somebody destroyed my automaton. I'm going to collect the insurance money. Insurance money. It's 1770 or whatever. Old-timey insurance, whatever. Also, you know what they'd say?

Well, you better build another one. Exactly. Or we're going to execute you. There you go. Damn, you're right. That wouldn't work. Mm-mm. Well, he just needs to keep claiming it's on the fritz then.

Okay. Great advice. Thanks a lot. I'm just looking how to get this guy out of this terrible situation he put himself in. It's like you've teamed up with him and you're like, listen, I understand the spite move, but now we got to get out of it. Exactly. You're in too deep, Wolfgang. He went back home, started getting to work on the stuff that mattered to him, like that voice machine thing.

It took some work, but he did it. He created the first machine that could say actual words. Granted, they were simple words and they were said in a very creepy childlike voice, but still, it was incredibly advanced. And even better, after several years of work, he wrote a book about his research, which then allowed other people to create their own similar machines. Based off of his findings. Yeah. Yeah. He wanted to help advance this new field, and he did.

It's a trailblazer. In his book, Tom Sandidge wrote that many years after Wolfgang's death, he's dead, he was. the man who became known for pioneering the electric telegraph gave a presentation on one of Wolfgang's speaking machines, because he'd always really admired Wolfgang's work. And in the audience of that talk was a little fella named Alexander Graham Bell. And the talk was so engaging that Alexander Graham Bell tried to build his own speaking machine and yada, yada, yada, oops, fudge stripes, he invented the telephone. Whoops. Who knows if it was all that, you know.

Perfect, but still. Cool story, bro. Yeah. Yeah. All of this to say that Wolfgang was working really hard on technology that could really advance society, could really do something. But it still didn't matter. Yeah. People still wanted to talk about the Turk.

They were probably like, oh, this machine that, you know, replicates voice, that's really cute and stuff. But can we see the Turk again? Yeah, it ain't shit compared to this thing that can think independently and make moves. If what he's claiming is what it is, it's way more advanced than a little machine that... A machine that says, Papa! It says, oh, hello, I'm a gu, blah, or whatever babies say these days. One guy wrote a book, theorizing about how the Turk worked. He guessed that a very small person was hidden inside the cabinet and built a little model to show how it was possible that a person could worm themselves.

around in the cabinet as Wolfgang opened the doors and cabinets for all to see. It's all an illusion. It wasn't a bad theory, Nor. No. But what the author didn't realize was that his measurements were way off. The Turk couldn't work the way he said it did. And even though what that author really wanted was for Wolfgang to read his book and tell him once and for all that he'd been a good boy and he'd discovered all the Turk's secrets,

it seems that Wolfgang read the book and just never responded to the guy. Damn, ice cold. Because Wolfgang was done talking about it. Oh my God, everybody's shut up. He packed it up. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. But people kept talking. They wouldn't take the hint.

Yeah, he doesn't want to be known for this one thing. He's doing all this other cool stuff. But in the absence of talking about it, people just made up their own stories. Did you hear that Catherine the Great played the Turk? And when she attempted too many illegal moves, the Turk just, boom, knocked all the pieces off the chessboard? Wow.

Man. They wrote plays about the Turk. As Wolfgang got older, he worried that despite all he'd done, all his inventions, all his accomplishments, the one thing he'd be known for was that stupid Turk. Well, yeah. Yeah, he ended up being kind of right. Yeah. Because Wolfgang died in 1804 at 70 years old, adjusted for inflation.

he lived to 554. And the Turk kept on living. Wolfgang's son sold the Turk to... Oh, dear God. Now he's getting his son involved in this racket. Yeah, his son sold the Turk to Johann Melzel. Johan was pleased as punch to be the proud owner of the Turk. And that's probably because he shared some traits with Wolfgang.

He was an inventor. He was obsessed with engineering. and he'd actually created some pretty impressive musical automaton of his own. So when he bought the Turk, it didn't matter that it had been disassembled. It didn't matter that it didn't come with an instruction manual. He figured out how to put it together and figured out its secrets. And for Johan, that was part of the fun. Okay.

Because whereas Wolfgang had been a little more serious, Johann was a true showman. And once he figured out the Turk's secret, he didn't waste any time. Did you take it on tour? Better than that. Because if you really want to kick off a good tour, here's what you do. You go to a little fella named Napoleon Bonaparte. Oh, myth he was not that short. I knew you'd say that.

But anyway, he challenged Napoleon to a game of chess against the Turk. There are a lot of made-up stories about this game, but the one thing we know to be true is that the Turk was a hit, as usual. It was amazing. In fact, it was such a hit that Napoleon's stepson was like, I want to buy that thing. And because Johan was really bad with money

and always needed money, he was like, sure. He sold it to the stepson, told the stepson how it worked, and the stepson was like, oh, huh. Okay. And then he just like put it away. Yeah, because it's a lot more involved than you just crank a gear and it goes.

You don't just crank it you. That's right. Years passed. Johan got into all kinds of shit. He made more automaton's. He got into a big fight with Beethoven. But this isn't a series. So there's no time for that story.

He also later stole the design for the metronome. But again, there's no time. No time. Future topics all around. Then Waterloo happened. Napoleon kicked the bucket. And yada, yada, yada, yada. Around 1815, Johan went back to the stepson and was like, hello, I'd like to buy the Turk back from you. And the stepson was like, cool, let's do a payment plan.

And Johan was like, what could go wrong? I'm great at paying my bills. And from there on out, it was Johan and the Turk, together at last. Juhon and the Turk. Dun Dun, dun, dun, Dun, dun,

dun dun dun dun dun Dun dun Don't Don't do you know some improvements to the Turk He installed

a little voice box that said Check Oh God Okay What? What,

you don't like It? Oh, I'm sorry The Turk can talk Now that's great He also

got rid of the little coffin thing For one thing It was creepy as hell And for Another

Johann Youhon knew that When people theorized About how The Turk

Worked No one Literally No one thought that it worked via mind control, via the little coffin. People were too sophisticated. What the hell with the little coffin? That's just to distract people.

So he started touring with the Turk and his other automaton. And even though a lot of his other automatons were cool as hell, the Turk once again captured people's attention in a way that nothing else could because this automaton seemed to be thinking and analyzing and kicking everyone's ass at chess. The Turk provided a very reliable source of income for Johan, and thank God because he was not a Maxinista. As the years wore on, people came up with more theories about the Turk. Wasn't it interesting that Johan always opened the doors and drawers in the same order? If you're truly trying to show that there's nothing hidden inside the cabinet,

then why be so careful about the order in which you open the doors? Hmm, yes. Also, there appeared to be no rhyme or reason as to when Johan went to crank up the machine. Was it possible that it didn't need to be cranked at all? No, it didn't. Was he just cranking for his own pleasure? He's just cranking it. As the years went on and technology advanced, people got closer and closer to discovering how the Turk actually worked.

And that was pretty stressful for our boy, Johan. He needed to keep the Turk's secret a secret. otherwise no one would pay to see it. And speaking of paying, if you'll recall, Johan didn't fully own the Turk. He was on that payment plan. Yeah, he leased it. And apparently when Napoleon's stepson died,

Johann was like, oh, okay, sweet. I guess I don't have to make these payments anymore. Nice. But the dead guy's estate was like, excuse me, that's not how any of this works. So they looked themselves in the mirror. And before they could even say, let's go to court.

Johan tried to sell the Turk. Oh, that doesn't work out. No, because by that point, everyone kind of knew his deal. And they were like, Johan, be honest, do you even have the right to sell this thing? And rather than answer them, Johan packed up the Turk, got on a boat, and in December of 1825, he headed for a lawless land where no one would ask rude questions like, do you own that thing? Are you in a fight with Beethoven? Did you pay your bar bill? I'm talking, of course.

about the great USA. He cheezed it? Yeah. He's gone. He was great. He slunked out of Europe. Slunked out. What a guy.

So where did he go in the U.S.? New York City? And guess what? The Turk was a hit. New York, New York, it's a hell of a town. Then he took it to Boston. And guess what? It was still a hit.

Boston, Boston, it's a hell of a town. The Turk lost a few games here and there, but for the most part, it's a hell of a town. He stomped everyone's ass. It dazzled him. Johan's showmanship helped throw people off the scent. He'd go up and, you know, randomly touch the machine in different places, which made people think that he was pushing secret buttons.

Yeah. For a while, people wondered if the small French woman in his entourage was hidden away in the machine. But then she started sitting in the audience during the performances. And they were like, well, damn it. Guess we're wrong there. One game that really stood out took place in May of 1827 against the only surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. Who? The dude was 89 years old.

His name was Charles Carroll, and the game was not going well for him. He was losing real bad. Well, he's 89. But, you know, then Johan opened up a cabinet and kind of tinkered around, and all of a sudden Charles won the game. You adjusted the difficulty level of the chess playing robot? We don't know. You know, he just had to do some stuff. Have you changed your theory, Norm, that there's a man inside the man, a man inside me?

The man inside me? Yeah, what's your theory? Well, when Wolfgang sold the machine to a new person, it does, I do feel like it's discrediting my theory because it's like you'd have to go find a new person to be in the mannequin. So answer me this, and answer me honestly, Kristen. Okay. Was it actually a mannequin or was it a person? I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, so it was definitely a person. All right, let's continue. Years passed. And in 1835, a 26-year-old journalist showed up to a show in Richmond, Virginia. Oh, Richmond. The journalist was amazed by the Turk, and he did a big write-up in which he included his own theory as to how it worked. Like others, he believed that someone was hidden in the machine. But he believed that when it was time to make a move,

the person slid up into the Turk and observed the board through the Turk's sheer robe. Okay? Yep. That's why there were always two candelabras on either side of the Turk. It was so that the dude inside the Turk could see the board. Very good theory. Yeah. You want to guess that journalist's name?

He solved a mystery. Should I know this person? Yeah. You do know this person. Have I talked about them before? Well, I don't know your whole life story. I just learned that you pissed yourself on the way home from school one day and passed it off. Let me think.

Famous journalist. He solved a mystery here. He solved a mystery in Richmond, Virginia? Well, I'm telling you the mystery of the turkey. He solved it. I'm putting solved in quotation marks. Solved. You're not going to get it.

I've done a bad job painting. It's Edgar Allen Poe. Oh, was it? Yeah, yeah. Shit. I know. It's amazing. Yeah.

So he was writing for like, well, he lived in like Baltimore. So is he like writing an article? I think he was in Richmond at this time. Okay. Future topic, Edgar Allan Poe. So the Turk brought Johan quite a bit of money, but you don't solve money problems with money, Norm. Dr. Phil taught me that. And in...

What you need to do. What a douche. Is figure out how the Turk works. And in 18... 38. Johan was on a ship leaving Havana. He was down on his luck, run out of money. He went to his cabin and asked the crew to bring him a case of wine.

And for six days, Johan stayed in his cabin drinking wine straight out of the bottle. Red, red wine. And then one day, someone went to his cabin and found him dead. He drank himself to death? Yeah, I think so. In September of that year, Johann's possessions were sold at auction. The Turk was the first thing to be auctioned off. Something everybody wants.

Some dude bought it for $400. Inflation? Okay, it's a little hard with something this far back. I saw a couple different figures. 13 grand, 11 grand, which doesn't seem high enough. But, you know, there you go. Very expensive. Sure.

The thing is, though, it had been disassembled into a bunch of different crates. And since Johan had always been very paranoid that someone would find the Turk and put it together and discover its secret, he'd purposely taken out some key parts and put some decoy parts in, making it damn near impossible to put back together, unless you knew what you're doing. Yeah. Well, I tell you what, if it did work like Edgar Allan Poe says it works, that Turk suit would smell horrible. And that should be a dead giveaway as they're putting it together. Be like, this thing reeks. That's a really good point, actually. Yeah.

It would smell terrible. The guy who bought it was like, oh my God, never mind. This is a mess. Yeah, and it stinks. It smells horrible. Also, it stinks. Two years later, he sold the Turk for exactly what he'd paid to Dr. John Kersely Mitchell. John was passionate about the Turk.

He'd always wanted to know how it really worked. and he feared that with Johann dead and the Turk totally disassembled, the Turk's secret would be lost forever. That would be a huge loss because the Turk had been dazzling audiences since its debut in 1770, 85 years earlier. Yeah, it's like an antique at this point. Well, and a pop culture icon. There had been so much speculation about this thing.

People needed to know once and for all how it really worked. And it turned out, John wasn't the only one who felt that way. In fact, the way he'd managed to get the $400 was by starting a club. He told people, if you join my club and you contribute some money, I will put that money together. I'll buy the Turk. I'll reassemble it. And then, because you're part of my special club, I will tell you how it works. Okay.

75 people thought that sounded like a great idea. So they all contributed money. Okay. I pay. I mean, it's cool. Yeah, I just joined a club. It's a pretty cool club. We're going to buy a 90-year-old smelly antique and put it back together.

But I can't tell you how it works. You have to be in the club too. Sorry, you don't know John like I do. I bet you want to know what it smells like, too, doesn't it? I won't tell you. So John got the Turk. And just like Johan had so many years earlier, he put the Turk back together without an instruction manual.

And once he figured out how it worked, he let the members of his club in on the secret. You're ruining the magic. And everyone was, well, no, they paid. They're all part of this club for a reason, Norm. Yeah, but it's going to get out eventually, right? Well, sure. But, you know, so he tells everyone the secret.

And everyone's like, huh. Pretty let down. Oh, okay. Oh, so it's just a dude. And then it didn't seem that cool anymore. Yeah, because it's not a real automaton. But it was still kind of cool. Still had its place in history, right?

Yeah. So the club donated the Turk to Nathan Dunn's Chinese Museum. Nathan Dunn's Chinese Museum? Yeah. This was a real thing. And if you're curious about that museum, you should know that it was located. it in Philly, and it was filled with 10,000 Chinese things. And that's me reading from an 1838 advertisement for this museum.

Come one, come all, I have 10,000 Chinese things. Uh-huh. Nathan Dunn was a traitor who lived in China for a while, and he filled the museum with a lot of stuff, including, and I'm not joking, life-sized clay figurines of like 50 actual people he met in China. Did he have him getting a cast or something? Did he like cover him in clay? I'm guessing he's just like,

and this guy had long hair and he wore red sometimes. This guy had the coolest shirts I had ever seen. So that's him. Uh-huh. So that's where the Turk lived for several years. In Nathan Dunn's Chinese Museum. But it's not Chinese. Well, listen, I mean, I don't know how.

accurate. Nathan Dunn's Chinese Museum is going to be, okay? Do you remember when I talked about, like, what if you came across a Chinese restaurant and it was called like Norm's Chinese restaurant? Yeah, we were on a road trip. Would you eat there? No, no one would eat at Norman's Chinese restaurant. Why not?

For obvious reasons. Okay. We were at Costco. There's a brand. they sell at Costco called Kevin's. Uh-huh. And Kevin's makes a beef and broccoli, like a frozen meal you can heat up. And I remember we bought it.

And I was like, there's no way this is good. It's called Kevin's Beef and Broccoli. And sure enough, yeah, it wasn't very good. Wow. There's a lot of power in marketing with names. I think so. So Nathan Dunn's Chinese Museum. Nothing says I'm a white guy who started a museum.

quite like this. Well, you hit the nail on the head. So that's where the Turk lived for a while. People could go there, see the Turk, find out its secret, and then go, huh. Oh. Yeah, so they didn't actually get to see it in action. It just, so there was just a little plaque that was just like, this is the Turk. It was made in this year, and this is how it worked.

Yeah. Damn, that would be a letdown. Most disappointing plaque there's ever been. aside from the stuff on your teeth. But then, on July 5th, 1854, a nearby building caught fire. And so did the next one. No. And the next one.

And the next one. Save the Turk. And in no time, Nathan Dunn's Chinese Museum was up in flames. Oh, fuck. Save the Turk. As soon as John Kersley Mitchell's son, Silas, found out about the fire, he was like, Yikes, Turk. Yes, get in there.

And he hustled his ass down to the museum, only to find that the Turk had been burned to the ground. As the fire rage, did the Turk with that voice box say, Why? Norman. Norman. What? Okay, later, Silas, I did not include this because I thought it was so fucking stupid. Later, Silas wrote about that moment.

And he ended his little write-up by saying that as the flames, burned on and he knew that the Turk had been burnt up. He imagined the Turk's final words being Czech or something. That's hilarious. No, it's not. It's so stupid. I can't believe you thought of it. I'm not supposed to feel pain.

I'm a robot. Silas couldn't believe it. The Turk had been this huge figure for decades and now it was gone. I didn't sit right with Silas. The Turk had mesmerized. so many people, but he realized that he, Silas, was one of relatively few people who knew the truth about the Turk. Oh, God.

Is he going to make another Turk? No. He's going to spill the beans. Oh, he's going to sell the story. In a series of articles for chess monthly. Oh, excellent. I'm a subscriber. Norman, are you ready to find out how the Turk actually worked?

Yep. First, are you sticking with your theory that there was a person inside the mannequin the whole time? Okay, I have three theories. Number one, it was never a mannequin at all. It was a real person, which if so, it'd be real fucked up that they died in that fire. It would be hilarious. Oh, God, no. Number two, yes, someone slipped inside of this mannequin suit and operated it.

Three strings. To control the mannequin and do the chess piece. Who's sold in the strings? I don't know. Wait, you've got to give a better... Some guy in the rafters. Wow, okay, all right. The truth was, the automaton chess player had never been an automaton.

Yep. It had been a clever combination of engineering and deception. Because, Norm, there had been a person in the cabinet the whole time. They slipped in and pretended to be a robot in that little suit. You're wrong. Oh? They were in the cabinet. Uh-huh.

And they had very clever ways of staying hidden in the cabinet. For one thing, when the showman opened up the cabinets to show the audience the inside of the box, the person inside the cabinet was sitting in a little chair so they could scoot from one side of the box to the other. And when they scoot it from one side to the other, false backs would pop up and they'd conceal themselves with boards. so that the audience could see inside the cabinet without seeing a person. The other thing was that most of the cranks and wheels inside the box... Didn't do anything. Decorative.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. And they didn't actually fill the cabinet as much as they appeared to. In some areas, there was a false back. For example, that really long drawer at the bottom of the cabinet, it had a false back. Yeah. So that when the showman took it out to show people, it really looked like the drawer. extended through the entire length of the cabinet, but in reality, that's where the dude had

his legs or lady. So a small chessmaster hid inside the box. Tiny chess master. And as the operator turned the crank, which did absolutely nothing, the person inside the box would open a hidden door inside the Turk, which held a lit candle. And that was what enabled the person inside the box to see. The two candelabras that the showman put on the top of the cabinet weren't there to illuminate the chessboard. They were there to disguise the scent of the smoke coming from the candle inside the cabinet.

They watched the game play out over their head thanks to hidden magnets that had been put inside each of the chess pieces. So when the chess pieces moved on top of the cabinet, a little metal disc inside the cabinet was suspended on a a wire and it would drop away when the piece left the board. And then when the person put the piece on their desired square, the metal disc became magnetized to the new square. This is pretty like intricate. This is like way more intricate than I thought it would be. The person inside the box watched that happen, then adjusted their own board inside the box and plotted their next move. And they made their next move using a pantograph. which moved the Turks' arms and fingers.

And I definitely knew what a pantograph was. Yeah, I was to say, what the hell is a panegraph? But for anyone who doesn't know, you should know that a pantograph is an instrument for duplicating a motion or copying a geometric shape to a reduced or enlarged scale. Duh. That definition doesn't help me at all. Well, so you're doing this small movement here on your own individual hidden chessboard, and the Turk's arm is doing it on a little. larger scale. I see. So again, this is very sophisticated. But this little, this hold me closer tiny chess master inside the cabinet, they're just running around like a madman in there.

Speaking of, meanwhile, everything that the showman did, looking into the little coffin, pressing random spots on the cabinet, coming close to it, moving farther away, opening random doors, bullshit. Yeah. That was all done to confuse and distract the audience. But the person inside the cabinet did some bullshitting too. They didn't want the audience to suspect that all the machinery that they'd been shown was fake. So when they used that pantograph to move the Turk's arms and fingers, they'd always set off this noisy contraption that sounded like a clock that was working overtime. And when they were done with the move, then they shut off that thing.

They had an even noisier contraption, which the person inside the cabinet set off anytime they had to sneeze, cough, or fart because, you know, things happen. Aha. Mm-hmm. What if the little chess master had a bunch of popcorn farts over and over and over? So that's the thing. There were a couple air holes, but, I mean, it was miserable in this thing. So it did smell bad in there.

Oh, guaranteed it smelled terrible because they were cramped in there. I mean, this was before the good Lord invented air conditioning. I mean, this sounds miserable. The showman and the person inside the cabinet communicated with each other in real time, thanks to two very small disks that had the numbers one through nine running along the rims. So think like a gym locker lock almost. Okay, yeah. And each number meant something different.

I'm ready to start the game. Oh, shit, I need you to relight my candle. Shut up, you're making too much noise. Or, hey, let this guy win. He signed the Declaration of Independence for Christ's sake. Let this super old man win. I'm an old man. The kind of incredible thing about the Turk is that even though it did rely on a hidden human operator, it's pretty sophisticated, right?

Yeah, that's crazy. Yes. It was a very, very detailed, intricate magic trick, basically. Yes. I think that's why this is so cool to me and also why it's so effective. is it's like magic performed at a very high level and also technology at a very high level. Well, yeah, and you have to like got to have that teamwork makes the dream work. You got to work together to pull off the trick. Yeah.

You better not fart too loud. Yeah. I know that all too well. And what if he pissed himself? I mean, that's fine. What is a strange liquid coming out of the tech? It must be oil of some sort. Oh, Mark.

It smells like asparagus. Oh, good heavens. This thing tricked people for 85 years. And even though countless people wrote theories about how it operated, some people did come pretty close to the correct answer. Yeah. But no one completely nailed it. Didn't say, yeah, no one really figured it out. No one got it completely.

I mean, people got really close. But Normie C. Yeah. You may be asking yourself who was in the box. A tiny chess master. For the first performance in 1770, we have no idea. It's possible that one of Wolfgang's children hid inside the box during the European tour, but it also seems that he relied on some other members of his entourage, some really good chess players.

When Johan took over, he went through a series of chess players. He fired one guy because he sneezed too often. It was just a liability, you know? Yep. that French woman who people had suspected was in the cabinet had in fact been in the cabinet. But she was just like one of one of a few? Well, she became one of a few because Johan was like, oh shit, people are catching on. So he put her in the audience to show people, no, you're wrong.

Ah, yeah. The bottom line is that a lot of very good and very skinny chess players hidden that cabinet over the year, stunk it up real good. And the remarkable thing is that they seem to be just as good at. keeping secrets as they were at hiding in boxes because the secret ever really got out. The exception to that rule is that one of the people who'd been inside the box did fall on hard times and he wrote an article. But by the time he did that, Johann had already fucked off to America. Yeah.

And the article just didn't make a huge splash. So he revealed everything in a newspaper article. He did it kind of as here's a theory as to how this could work. And when you go back and read that theory, it's like, okay, you were in the box. There's no way you would have put this together without being in the box. Yeah. So, Norm, that is the story of the Turk, a truly masterful blend of magic, showmanship, and technology. It tricked and amazed audiences for decades.

And I'm sure that if Wolfgang von Kepler was still here today, he'd say, Oh my God, are you still talking about that? Shut up. Yes, he would. Enough. Oh, I love it. I love it. Great story.

You tricked me. The smartest man on earth. The smartest man in the world. I just love it. I love it. I totally see why this captured people's imaginations. I really feel for Wolfgang. I think it's kind of funny.

I also feel for Johan because he made some really incredible automaton. Like he was very talented, but when you have the added layer of deception, that beats technology. Well, you can make something way more advanced if you use deception, which obviously, yeah, the Turk was way, way better than any other automaton. And it's because it wasn't really an automaton. So, okay, you know, the funny thing is, once it came out, there had been a person in the box the whole time. Everyone, of course, was like, oh, well, duh, I can't believe anyone. thought that, you know, I didn't fall for it at all. I always knew. Yeah, I knew there was someone in there the whole time.

And one of the things they said was, well, anyone who thought that a machine could play chess was stupid. And of course, the funny thing is that, like, really, it wasn't that many decades later that we did come up with computers that could play chess against you. Yeah, wasn't there, like, a very famous chess match in, like, the 50s? between the Grandmaster and like a computer. Yeah. Yeah. And it turned out that there was a person inside the computer the whole time.

There was a little man in there, yeah. And computers were so huge at that time that he had room to stretch. He was actually sitting in a lazy boy. Computers were very big. Honestly, the Turk should have been the final magic trick in that movie, The Prestige. Oh, that's a good movie. Excellent movie. I think that's Christopher Nolan's best movie.

Wow. You heard it here first, folks. Hot take here on an old-timey podcast. Hot takes. The population's out of control. If you're hit by a natural disaster, do not rebuild. Do not. To a new place that God loves more, according to Norm's grandma.

What else? Singing magnets are a great gift. Regardless of a person's age. If you pee yourself, just throw the clothes in the hamper and pretend like nothing happened. No one's going to know, trust me. Oh, what a fun episode. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. Should we wrap it up?

Folks, let's wrap up this episode. Kristen, you know what they say about history hoes? We always cite our sources. That's right. For this episode, I got my information from The Book, The Turk by Tom Standage, as well as reporting from Smithsonian Magazine, History.com, the New York Times, and slate.com. That's all for this episode. Thank you for listening to an old-timey podcast.

Please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. And while you're at it, subscribe. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok at Old Timey Podcast. And follow us individually on Instagram at Kristen Pitts-Karuso and Gaming Historian. And until next time, Tudaloo, Tata, and Cheerio! Bye!