An Old Timey Podcast - 3: John Brown’s Sausage Fest (Part 2)

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

Welcome back to part two of Norm’s coverage of famed anti-slavery crusader, John Brown. In this episode, John and his squad prepare for their infamous raid on Harpers Ferry. In the leadup to the attack, John dodges saboteurs, refuses to compromise, and bores the ever-loving shit out of Frederick Douglass. Plus, he comes up with a cool new invention - a knife on a stick!Remember, kids, history hoes always cite their sources! For this episode, Norm pulled from: “Midnight Rising: John Brown and the Raid That Sparked the Civil War” by Tony Horwitz“To Purge This Land With Blood: A Biography of John Brown” by Stephen Oates“Bleeding Kansas: Contested Liberty in the Civil War Era” by Nicole EtchesonCivil War on the Western Border - https://civilwaronthewesternborder.org/Kansas Historical Society - https://www.kshs.org/kansapedia/john-brown/11731Are you enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Then please leave us a 5-star rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts!Are you *really* enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Well, calm down, history ho! You can get more of us on Patreon at patreon.com/oldtimeypodcast. At the $5 level, you’ll get a monthly bonus episode (with video!), access to our 90’s style chat room, plus the entire back catalog of bonus episodes for Kristin’s previous podcast, Let’s Go To Court.

Here ye, hear ye. You are listening to an old-timey podcast. I'm Kristen Caruso. And I'm her remarkably plain husband, Norman Caruso. Glad to have you, Norm. We love your character. Thank you. And on this week's episode, I'll be talking about John Brown. Again. This bitch again? Again. Actually, I'm just going to retell the first episode. And this time it'll be six hours long. Oh, good.

Good, good. I'm so glad because you're going to include more Hank Hill clips. Isn't that true? I'm still a little gun-shy about Hank Hill, but, you know, we'll see. We'll see how this episode rolls. I have an energy drink today. Okay, everybody, you all know. I mean, if you listen to the second episode, you know that Norm just aims to please. That's all he wants to do. He wants everyone to be happy 100% of the time. And in the last episode, you were really hard on yourself. You were like, I feel like I lost energy toward the end. So now you are jacked up on Mountain Dew and you are ready to go. I would say I'm jacked up, but I ate a big ass lunch. I've got an energy drink. Uh-huh.

I've got the power of the drinking bird on my side. I've got the spirit of John Brown with me. I'm ready to record, baby. Yeah, so that was mainly for our folks at the $10 level on Patreon. Nice plug, Norm. They get to watch full-length videos of this podcast. Oh my God, what lucky people. They get to see that Norm purchased a drinking bird a la Homer Simpson to put behind him while we record.

And they also get to see that you're wearing a John Brown t-shirt. That's right. I figured I should support John Brown. I thought I'd buy one of his t-shirts. Do the proceeds go directly to John Brown? They don't. I don't know where they go. But, you know, I'm a big fan.

So I figured I would throw some support as a lot of his t-shirts. way. I am very excited for this episode. Are you going to break the news to the people, though? Folks, I thought maybe I could finish the John Brown story today. It's not happening. It can't happen. It can't. There's too much story and too little time. It's too much meat. It's like one of those Brazilian steakhouses. They just keep bringing you meat. You know, you can say no. Not on this podcast. Oh! Okay. So you're telling me, this. This is going to be a three-parter, maybe more. We'll say three for now.

I might change my mind, but I will be doing part three next week. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Also, if you're just a history hove, just thirsty for more, which we get it, at the $5 level on our Patreon, you get a bonus episode. And you know what? We're recording it in a couple days. And Norm, I've got to tell you, it's about hippo meat.

Is it really? Yeah. Hippo meat. I'm doing an episode about hippo meat. Okay. I can't wait to hear it. Prepare yourself however you need to prepare yourself. And in the meantime history hoes, you're getting two more episodes on John Brown.

Minimum, sounds like. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Could take over your lives. You know, I thought I could wrap it up in today's episode, but something told me, said, no, you've got to make this. real special. Oh. That's what I'm doing.

Okay. Well, before you make it real special, let me just give another little plug. By the time you hear this, dear listener, the Let's Go to Court live show video will be out on our Patreon at the $10 level. So if you want to see that, come join us. At that level, at the $10 level, you get access to all the old Let's Go to Court bonus episodes, all the old Let's Go to Court videos. that's my old podcast in case we've got anyone new here who's stumbled in. And you get early ad-free episodes of this podcast, including video of our sexy faces. Full-ass video.

Full-ass video of our full asses. And the hyphen is between full and ass. It's not full-ass video. It's full-ass video. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Shall we?

Oh, what? Yeah, actually, I was going to call our new listeners, fresh hoes welcome fresh hoes fresh hoes yeah okay I would like to know if anyone

truly just stumbled upon this podcast and they're not a fan of my previous podcast let's go to court you're a fresh ho and we welcome you you're in for one hell

of a ride you're Julia Roberts and pretty woman you're new and Richard gear I forgot what Jason

Alexander I forgot Jason Alexander was in that movie played a real dushy character Mm-hmm Sure did Do we have any mistakes of shame this week? No, I made no mistakes in my Carrie Nation episode

Yeah, I don't believe that No, not it So everyone just The timing of when we're recording this Just means that no one has been able to reach out With my mistakes yet Yeah, they're coming Please send us those um-actualies

Come on, bring them on I want, I can't wait for Kristen To have her mistakes of shame segment Thanks, Norm. Sniff my butthole. Sniff my butthole. Just had to get out of my system. Uh-huh.

Okay. Are we ready to dive back in to the world of John Brown? Hell yeah. Let's do it. Folks, if you miss part one of this story, I highly recommend you listen to it. It's actually the very first episode of an old-timey podcast. And it's only four hours long. That's it.

What, do you not have time? Yeah. We don't believe that. There's never enough time. That's true. But you know, you can listen to it while you do the dishes, while you watch TV, while you walk your dogs. Okay. Yeah, if you just want a visual, you know.

Okay, all right. But I suppose if you aren't a true history ho, I'm going to provide a quick recap. Okay. Previously on an old-timey podcast. John Brown was born on May 9, 1800. Kind of anticlimactic. Dick, isn't it? Yes. You know, usually these recaps are a little faster pace than that. Previously, an old-timey podcast. Oh, I love that. John Brown was born on May 9, 1800 in Torrington, Connecticut.

He grew up in a very religious household and practiced Calvinism. He believed God's law trumped any human law and that slavery was the ultimate sin of mankind. His family regularly helped run away enslaved people to freedom on the under. Ground Railroad. Brown faced hardship most of his life. His first wife died when she was only 31. He lost several young children to disease or during birth. He failed as a businessman and as a land speculator. He went bankrupt. But one thing he was... The roast of John Brown. Yeah, take that, John Brown. But one thing he was very good at was being an abolitionist. When he was 37 years old, he stood up in church and said, here before God, In the presence of these witnesses, from this time, I consecrate my life to the destruction of slavery.

And unlike most abolitionists at the time, John Brown believed violence was perfectly okay if it meant ending slavery. In 1855, John Brown felt compelled to go to Kansas. Thanks to the Kansas Nebraska Act, residents of the Kansas Territory would vote to decide if it would become a free state or a slave state. state. That shouldn't cause any problems, right, Kristen? Not at all. Well, the Kansas Territory became a hotbed of political violence. Brown? I like how upbeat you're being. Woohoo! Political violence! I'm sorry for my face just then, by the way. I discovered that I didn't wash my straw very well, and so what I tasted just then was iced tea like it had been run through spaghetti and meat sauce. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Anyway, back to John Brown. Disgusting. Slave State. I'm your wife, so, you know, it's sexy when I drink iced tea through spaghetti sauce. I'm about to bust. Damn right you are. Brown and several of his sons lived in the Kansas Territory and defended free state residents and fought against a corrupt pro-slavery government.

In 1856, John Brown was sick of pro-slavery people bullying the freestaters, and he decided to initiate a shock and awe campaign. On May 24, 1856, John Brown and seven other men, including a few of his sons, murdered five pro-slavery men near the Pottawatomie Creek. It would later become known as the Potawatomi Massacre. Later, John Brown would valiantly defend the free state town of Osawatomi with 40 men against a pro-slavery army of 400 men. For his bravery, he earned the nickname Osawadami Brown. He became infamous in Kansas and within the abolitionist community. After the Battle of Osawatomi, John Brown said, God sees it.

I have only a short time to live, only one death to die, and I will die fighting for this cause. There will be no more peace in this land until slavery is done for. I will give them something else to do than to extend slave territory. I will carry the war into Africa. Which he meant. And by Africa, John Brown meant the heartland of slavery, the American South. This dude is a fucking badass.

And now, part two of the story of John Brown. You ready, Kristen? Yeah, I just wanted to add one fun fact. I actually heard this on a podcast once. John Brown, one of his sons, was named Salmon. Really? Yeah. I think you're pronouncing that name.

wrong, Kristen. I believe it's Salman. Oh, wow. Unless you heard it from an actual trained historian, because they wouldn't get that wrong. Yeah, yeah. Hmm. Interesting. Shocking. We'll have to look into that. Okay. Continue. All right, Kristen. John Brown was a wanted man in Kansas. Hell yeah. After the Battle of Osatomy, he continued to hide in the brush and in the woods. How was he able to hide 400 men are after him? When you have a little small guerrilla army all on horseback, you can move quick. Kansas is a big territory. That's true.

Plenty of places to hide. All right. There's a lot of friendly territory he could go to and feel safe. Okay. He did make appearances in Lawrence, Kansas every now and then. He was kind of a celebrity in Lawrence, Kansas. Yeah. Federal troops were looking for him.

Pro-slavery forces were looking for him. And so John Brown decided it was probably best to leave Kansas for now. So right after the new year in 1857, John Brown arrived in Bastston, Massachusetts. Oh, well, he took quite a trip. By train. Okay. Took a train. And the train to Boston Mass. Did he blend in on the train? I mean, he was a very handsome man.

Whoa. You looking at my shirt here? Yeah, I'm looking at your shirt. I'm like, I'd notice that man if I were on the train with him. You'd bang this guy. Norman, I'm a married woman. What if John Brown? My husband's been working on his organ for years. It's almost ready, dear.

I promise. I can't wait. So when John Brown got to Boston, he seeked out a 26-year-old... Sought out? Sorry. Wow. Oh, my gosh. Everyone, I'm so sorry.

So sorry. The lack of education is just terrible. That'll be on my mistakes of shame next week. I'm ashamed already. When John Brown arrived in Boston, he sought out a 26-year-old man named Franklin Sanborn. Sanborn was the secretary of the Massachusetts State Kansas Committee. So this is one of those organizations that helped free stater settle in Kansas. Okay.

Also known as Free Soilers. Yeah, you can't forget that. Well, I'm sorry, that is funny, though. It is. Well, when Franklin Sanborn met John Brown, he was starstruck. Wow, it's the John Brown. Yeah. He'd obviously read the news reports about Brown's escapades in Kansas.

I mean, he was legendary. Of course he was. Of course he was. He didn't just talk to talk. He walked the fucking walk. He stabbed people. And shot them. Sure.

Yeah, that too. John Brown wanted to raise money to keep fighting in Kansas. And he thought Sanborn could connect him with wealthy abolitionists. And Sanborn was making ooh eyes at Brown and, you know, notices Brown's bulge. You know, he's a Mormon. Loving John Brown. Okay. And Franklin Sanborn just said, yeah, I'll do whatever you want to help the cause.

Okay. Was this sexual or are you just adding your own flavor into this? Okay, very good. He just loved, he was big fan of John Brown. Okay. Franklin Sanborn did indeed introduce John Brown to prominent abolitionists around Boston. One of them, William Lloyd Garrison, the editor of Brown's favorite abolitionist newspaper, The Liberator. He must have been so excited. He'd been subscribing for years.

Kristen. What would it be like to meet one of your favorite authors? How would you act? Who is your favorite author? Oh, gosh. I don't know. I don't know if I can pick, well, one of my favorite authors is dead.

That's the first one who comes to mind. So, yeah, if they reanimated her corpse, I guess I'd be pretty excited. Skin falling off. Ew. No, don't make it weird. I swear I haven't always looked like this. No, but I would not be very cool around an author I admire. Would you be respectful and have nice conversation with them?

Well, I would hope so. What the hell happened? John Brown didn't do that. Oh. Was John Brown like you're a fucking bitch? Classic John Brown, fiercely independent, argued with Garrison the entire time about using violence to end slavery. Okay. He was a debate, bro.

Debate me, bro. Well, but also William Lloyd Garrison thought that slavery could be done away with peacefully, right? He's a pacifist. Yeah, okay. Garrison was a pacifist. John Brown was not. John Brown quoted from the Old Testament, Garrison from the New Testament. They both thought they were the chosen one to end slavery.

I'm the chosen one. No, I'm the chosen one. Really? John Brown said he was not impressed with Garrison's milk and water pacifism. But believe it or not, even though they debated, William Lord Garrison came away very impressed by John Brown. Of course he did. The respect. Yeah.

Yeah. John Brown also got to meet Charles Sumner, the same. senator who was beaten over the head by Senator Preston Brooks on the Senate floor. Right. And when they met John Brown, the first thing John Brown asked if he could see the coat that Sumner was wearing when he got beat over the head. Why the coat? So Charles Sumner, who's still recovering from this beating, by the way, he limped over

to his closet and pulled out the coat and it was stiff with dried blood. Oh my gosh. And apparently John Brown just looked. at it and said nothing. But he was, but he was raging inside. I don't know if he was just like fanboying over this or what, but it was like the Ark of the Covenant for John Brown. He just gazed at it.

Okay. Franklin Sandborn took John Brown on a lecture tour to help raise money for the Kansas fight. And he met more celebrities, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau. Damn. I think it's cool that back then all these celebrities were just writers. They're all just writers. There's nothing better than a writer.

Nowadays. Fucking podcasters. Podcasters. YouTubers. Influencers. Gross. Do you think if I posted pics on Instagram of my butt pimples that I could become an Instagram ho? In addition to a history ho?

There's definitely a fetish for that. Sure. Great. Okay. New revenue stream. You're welcome. No, no, no, no, no. If we're doing that, it's a Patreon tier.

We've got pig butter at 25 bucks. Kristen's butt pimples, 50 bucks. I was thinking 15, but all right. I just got to be real. Sell yourself short, Kristen. People want to see these pimples. So, he went on this lecture tour, and a lot of wealthy abolitionists, they donated to the cause because they said it felt, quote, mean and unworthy and wicked. To be living in luxury, while John Brown struggled in his fight to end.

slavery. At one lecture, a reporter called Brown, quote, the manliest man I have ever seen. And Kristen, I have to tell you here and now, it's the greatest compliment. Compliment. Complement. Compliment. A man could ever receive. Really? The manliest man I have ever seen. Would you just die if someone said that about you? Oh, well, you know me, non-threatening boy. I would just be in awe. And I'm just, I'm just. I might faint. That's not very manly. I know.

Get his smelling salts. I take it back. He is not the manliest man. However, John Brown still had trouble raising money because he wasn't a great public speaker. He was flat. He was nasally. Really? One listener said Brown was a flame of fire in action, but dull in speech.

See, that's why. to me that somebody could be like, I'm going to rip off the jaws of enslavers. I wonder if he was just more nervous because he was a very religious man. He preached all the time, read sermons. Maybe he was just nervous about public speaking. Well, and maybe he was more of a doer than a talker. Well, he definitely was a doer. So he was only able to raise a modest amount of money for weapons, ammunition, and supplies. Kristen, in the first episode, I mentioned that John Brown wasn't very good with money. You know, he made some questionable business decisions. He made terrible business decisions. Well, guess what? He's added again.

What's he doing now? He did something kind of strange with some of the money he raised. So, John Brown always carried with him a big-ass bowie knife. Okay. And again, if you don't know what a bowie knife is, it's a big-ass knife. And Brown had this crazy idea. He said, what if I took this knife and I put it on a big stick, like a six-foot pole? Like a bayonet?

And then I gave them to the free soilers in Kansas. I just handed them out. What? His idea was people could keep it in their homes. And then if some pro-slavery guy barged into their home, they could poke them, poke them with this thing. it's basically a pike. It's like an old medieval weapon. Okay.

It's literally... So just give, like as party favors, you give out weapons to people. Yeah, it's a six-foot pole with a knife on the end of it. Okay. I call him a knife on a stick. So John Brown went to a forger in Connecticut, set somebody who makes weapons, and he said, hey, could you make me these things? Oh, my gosh. And the forger thought it was a...

hilarious. He called him Kansas butter knives. Okay. And the Forger also wondered, why would Kansas settlers want this medieval ass weapon when they could just carry a gun? But money's money. So he said, yeah,

I'll make them for you. So John Brown ordered 950 of them. Oh, that's so many. John. At a dollar apiece. Adjusted for inflation. $35,000 for his knife on a stick.

He's so bad at this. Yes. Yeah. So Brown put down half the payment as a deposit, and the forger made up some samples, and he was like, okay, we're ready to produce this thing. But wouldn't you know it, John Brown couldn't come up with the rest of the money? And so the forger was like, well, I'm not making these then. Right. But don't worry, Kristen.

this will not be the last time we hear about the Kansas butter knives. I was going to say it would be the biggest blessing if he ran out of money and couldn't buy more. And then that's the end of the story. Sorry, you can't have this ridiculous thing. He'll be back. Oh, my gosh. While he was on the East Coast, John Brown also met another man. He was an Englishman named Hugh Forbes.

Okay. Hugh, great English name. Yeah. Hugh Grant. Hugh You can't think of another Hugh Nickerbocker You're making names

Hugh Butterworth You're making them up Hugh Lorry Hugh Tevington Anyway They're probably real people Uh huh Hugh Forbes was a self-proclaimed

Colonel You can't No Stolen Valor Possibly He'd fought as a guerrilla In the Italian Revolution Of 1848

He is what you would call a soldier of fortune. What's that mean? That means you fight for money. Oh, okay. Hugh Forbes was a big fan of John Brown, and he wanted to get involved in the epic battle to end slavery. And so he offered to train Brown's men.

And he would write him a manual on how to fight guerrilla style. Okay. And he entitled the manual, Manual of the Patriotic Volunteer. But of course this is going to cost Brown. Hugh Forbes ain't going to do this for free. Right.

Well, John Brown was ecstatic. So he gave Hugh Forbes $600 to get started. Oh, my God. Adjusted for inflation, about $22,000. Oh, my God. And John Brown said there will be more to come. Did he just skip town? Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. So John Brown was done with all of his business back east. So he went back west to continue the fight. And Colonel Hugh Forbes agreed to meet John Brown in Tabor, Iowa to train his men. Tabor is about one hour north from the Kansas border. It was a little safer for John Brown to be in Tabor than in Kansas. Okay. It was an abolitionist town.

Today's population, 986. Plack alert Plack alert Oh We got a plaque There is a plaque in Tabor dedicated to where John Brown set up his camp

Oh cool Yes Very cool You know I love my plaques So Colonel Hugh Forbes arrived in Tabor Iowa On August 9th, 1857 And he was a little disappointed

to see that John Brown's army consisted of two people Oh no It was John Brown and his son, Owen. Oh, shit. What happened to everybody? We'll get into that. Okay.

It reminds me of those sports movies where the new coach comes in and all the players are the rejects and he's got to train them up. So where was everybody? Where were John Brown's other sons? Well, most of them, including Jason Brown and John Jr., they didn't want to fight anymore. Yeah. The hostilities in Kansas had traumatized them. They were sick of the violence. Yeah.

They didn't want anything to do with it anymore. John Brown and Colonel Hugh Forbes did not get along. They both had massive egos. Each one of them thought they were the greatest military tactician of their time. Okay. They both refused to take criticism or advice. Wasn't a great relationship. Kind of toxic.

actually. Uh-huh. They each had their own plan for how they were going to end slavery. So I'm going to present to you both of their plans, and you tell me which one's better. Okay. Okay. Don't tell me whose is who. Okay.

This is plan number one. Okay. We will carry out raids on plantations along the northern part of the slave states. Okay. Virginia and Maryland, to be precise. And we're going to do this so we can easily escape to the north. Sure. We will take enslaved people to freedom in Canada.

Anyone they rescued was free to join their army as well. Sure. And it would basically make slavery untenable in the area. And as they freed more and more enslaved people, they would continue to push the battlefront further and further south. It was basically an invasion. Yeah. Okay. Would you like to hear plan number two?

Yeah, I was going to say I like plan number one. Okay. We're going to go to Harper's Ferry, Virginia. Yeah. Harper's Ferry is surrounded by mountains. It's located at the cross section of the Potomac River and the Shannandoah River. It's a little old-timey town tucked away in nature. And what we're going to do is we're going to set up our base of operations in Harper's Ferry. And we're going to raid the nearby plantations. And then when our army's big enough, we're going to attack Harper's Ferry because there's a federal armory there. of weapons. We're going to take all the weapons, and then it's going to freak people out. Mm-hmm. And my abolitionist friends in the North are going to hold a constitutional convention, and we're going to overthrow President James Buchanan and the pro-slavery government.

Damn it, John. You knew right away. Well, as soon as you said Harper's Ferry, I was like, oh, wait. Yeah, and I'll go into a little more detail about these plans. Oh, my God. So you like Hugh Forbes' plane, right? Yes. No question.

Okay. I want to go into a little more detail about John Brown's plan. Okay. So as you may recall, or not, John Brown talked to Frederick Douglass. Right. Top 10 abolitionists. He's probably one or two on watch mojo. Uh-huh. We all know it. He talked to Frederick Douglas about 10 years ago about leading raids on plantations near the Allegheny Mountains. It was actually a really good idea.

So he wanted to have a guerrilla army in the mountains and take them down. down into the valley, raid plantations, rescue enslaved people, bring them back into the mountains and just kind of hide in the mountains. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. Well, Brown's plan had changed a little bit. He wanted to go to Harper's Ferry, Virginia, and Harper's Ferry had a federal armory there. The government really liked Harper's Ferry. It was the perfect place to store weapons.

It was well protected by natural terrain. It's about 60 miles from Washington, D.C. So if anyone tried to invade the United States, the army would have a well-protected weapon stock inland. Okay. So the government built a federal armory there. They set up railroads going in and out of town so they could easily bring in supplies. This armory was one of only two in the entire United States at the time. It contained hundreds and thousands of weapons worth millions of dollars.

The other federal armory was in, you want to take a guess? Where? Springfield, Massachusetts. Oh. Which is where John Brown had his failed wool company. I did not forget that. Did they clear out all that wool and put a bunch of weapons in there? Possibly. They bought out Brown's old warehouse.

So surely John Brown knew about the armory in Springfield. Mm-hmm. And I think that's when he became in. interested in Harper's Ferry. Because he saw... That makes sense. He saw the armory and was like, whoa, there's a shitload of weapons here. Uh-huh.

Where's the other armory? Oh, Harper's Ferry, near the mountains that I want to hide out in. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that does make sense. Yeah. So John Brown's new plan is this. They're going to conduct raids on enslavers in the areas around Harper's Ferry. When he had enough men, they're going to attack Harper's Ferry.

They're going to take the armory. They're going to steal as many weapons as possible. and then they're going to go back into the mountains. And John Brown seriously believed that people are going to hear about what was going on, and they're going to rise up, and they're going to join him. He thought 200 to 500 enslaved people would join him on the first night of his raid. Well, that's ridiculous. Colonel Hugh Forbes thought so as well.

Well, yeah, I mean, how many... Of the number of people who you're taking out of slaves, I would imagine the majority of people would want to just go north to Canada. Yeah. Most people would just say, I don't want to fight. Just get me the fuck out of here. Right. Also, his idea that his abolitionist allies would hold a convention and overthrow the government.

No. They're little weenie boys. They just want to give you some money for your butter knives. Colonel Hugh Forbes thought so as well. Yes. So Hugh Forbes thought Brown's plan was foolish. For one, Forbes didn't believe for a second that a bunch of enslaved people would rise up and join Brown's army at the spur of the moment. Right.

He believed you needed to let them know beforehand what was going on. Yes. You have to plant the seed in people's heads first. Write the pamphlet, dude. Mm-hmm. Also, don't you think it's way more likely that the people who see what's happening and get really worked up and excited are other plantation owners, other enslavers, and they're like... Grab your guns, boas.

Yes. Exactly. We'll get to that as well. Ugh, shit. Second, Hugh Forbes thought John Brown was a little naive about enslaved people's feelings. In what way? John Brown truly believed that every enslaved person was enraged at their enslavers and would do whatever they had to do to gain.

freedom. But it's one thing to want freedom and then another thing to fight and possibly die for it. And to murder another person for it. Right. And, okay, we're talking about how many years of slavery and having your kids sold out from under you, your spouse sold away from you, being raped by, your enslaver, all this stuff, and you're telling me all of a sudden one night, one dude shows up. And he's like, oh, it's over now. We're going to switch this. And I'm supposed to all of a sudden believe that. Yeah.

There'd be no way. Right. So, yeah, Hugh Forbes was like, yeah, you're naive about this. And not only that, but the bulk of Brown's army would be untrained men. Right. You're grabbing all these enslaved people. who have no military training and you think it's just all going to run smoothly. Hugh Forbes said you're going to have anarchy and revolt among your men eventually.

Sure. Or I feel like more likely it's just like we don't know what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah. And then finally, Colonel Hugh Forbes had no faith in Brown's abolitionist allies. He thought they were cowards. And there was no way in hell they were going to overthrow the government. when the time came.

Take it from me, a little weenie girl who says, yeah, go ahead and use that violence. We're a violent country. And then I talk about it and you're like, oh, boy. The second you started talking about the Potawatomi Massacre and you started going into detail, I was like, no, thanks. Somebody commented that they love saying the word potawatomi, and I got to say, it's a lot of fun to say. Yeah. Sniff my butthole. Also, that's fun.

Thank you. Well, Kristen, these two threatening boys argued back and forth with each other about their plans. What this Hugh guy looked like? Kind of Hugh Forbes. Yeah. Had a nice little mustache, kind of short, receding hairline. Oh, okay. Mm-hmm.

I wondered if they were both equally good looking, and they just had never encountered someone who wasn't charmed by them. And so then it was just a fight to the death of words. I'd say John Brown looked a little more intimidating than Hugh Forbes. Okay. But believe it or not, the two men finally came up with a compromised plan, and they called it the well-matured plan. Okay. Unfortunately, we don't really know what that plan was, but it doesn't really matter anyway because in John Brown's head, he was basically going to ignore Hugh Forbes. Oh. John Brown pretended to compromise.

Yes. He was going to carry out his own plan no matter what. It's also worth noting that John Brown's plan for Harbors Ferry and to invade the South, his abolitionist allies did not know about it yet. Right. They still thought John Brown's going to go fight in Kansas again. Well, despite their differences, Colonel Hugh Forbes was a gentleman, and he still had a job to do. He had to train John Brown's army. But he only had two guys in it. Yes.

And one of them was John Brown. There were two students, John Brown and his son Owen. Okay. hilarious story. John Brown wrote to Franklin Sandborn, the guy that took him on the lecture tour. And he told Franklin Sanborn, Colonel Hugh Forbes has arrived in Tabor, Iowa, and he has opened a, quote, small school. Uh-huh.

He didn't go into any more detail than that. Well, Franklin Sanborn was very confused. And he wrote back and said, do you mean a children's school or a school for drilling? John Brown was very mysterious about what he was doing and what his plans were, even with the people that were funding his activities. Which to me says that he knows they're kind of weenie boys. They're okay with funding something that's happening way over in Kansas, which I'm guessing in their minds feels like. Forever away. Yeah.

But something a little closer to home. home yikes a rue well it's funny when john brown was raising money he would write letters to these abolitionists and he would kind of play him like a fiddle he would write to one and say you are the truest abolitionist i've ever met no one else compares and then he go to the next guy you are the truest abolitionist i've met no one else compares uh-huh so everyone gets a rose that's right the bachelor abolitionist style will you accept this kansas butter knife. Oh my God, I will. Yes. Did you know that I'm a virgin?

Whoa. Just waiting for that someone special. Every season has one. Really? On The Bachelor? No, not really. But this season, it is me. They took the Dare Pledge of Virginity. They sure did. They took it very seriously. I really need to tell my resource officer. I need that back. My organ is almost fully developed. I'm ready to go. My marriage is on the... It's on. On the rocks. There we go.

I kept thinking on the fritz, but that's not what they say. No. Well, on the fritz works, too. Colonel Hugh Forbes School of Military Genius. For little boys. For little boys. It was pointless anyway because guess who wasn't getting paid? Oh.

Colonel Hugh Forbes was not getting paid. Well, he got like $600, which adjusted for inflation is like a million dollars. Well, he was owed more. John Brown promised him more money. Yeah. He was constantly arguing with John Brown. You know, there was only two people to train at his military school. And one of them was the impossible to train John Brown.

And so finally, Hugh Forbes said, fuck this, and he left in the fall of 1857. Oh, that'll happen. So I want to go back to why John Brown didn't have more men. Okay. Because, again, it was just him and Owen. Well, a big reason was the bleeding Kansas conflict was basically over. A new territorial governor had come in. He enforced actual law and order.

Well, shit. And there were now way more free state settlers than pro-slavery settlers. We call them free soilers. A.k.a. the free soilers. Love pissing themselves. You looked at your soundboard. What were you thinking of pressing? I'm always looking for what I can press.

There's nothing here, though. I've heard that critique of this podcast before. Yeah. I'm working on it. Oh, this poor man! On October 5, 1857, the Kansas Territory held new elections, and free staters won the majority of legislative seats. Hell yeah.

So with nothing to fight about, it was kind of hard for John Brown to recruit men. And it was also difficult for his abolitionist ally, back east to raise money. There's no more conflict anymore in Kansas. We're not fired up about anything. Well, John Brown, after Colonel Hugh Forbes left him, he was devastated. We all were.

John Brown was pissed that Hugh Forbes left. Well, if you're not paying him. Well, he's not... And not listening to him. He's not true to the cause. He would have kept going even without pay. But anyway, that's true. Yeah.

John Brown did make a brief trip back into Kansas to try and recruit men, and he ultimately found nine people to join him and Owen. Okay. And he told these new men, if you want hard fighting, you'll get plenty of it. But they had to meet him in Tabor, Iowa, if they wanted to learn more. So he took these nine men back up to Tabor in December of 1857. And John Brown told his new recruits, his next plan. But again, he was a little vague about it.

He didn't want to, you know, bust his nut too quickly. Absolutely. I'm about to bust. All he told his men was, our ultimate destination, is Virginia. And his men were a little puzzled because they were all living in Kansas. Yeah. And they said, why Virginia? What about Kansas?

Why not Missouri? Right. We're already here. Right. But regardless, they agreed to go along with John Brown. and they pledged to, quote, stand by the work if it meant the destruction of slavery. So Brown took his men and they traveled east. And they eventually had to stop in Springdale, Iowa.

They didn't get very far traveling east. They were low on money and it was wintertime now. Oh, my God. So a little too cold, question. Well, I bet it was. And don't use that disgusting voice on this podcast. It's a podcast for adults. So they spent the winter of 1857 in Springdale.

Springdale was a Quaker community. Okay, yeah. The Quakers weren't really sure what to make of John Brown and his band of threatening boys. Well, yeah, they're against slavery, but they're also nonviolent folk. So that would be a little bit of a tough one. A few Quakers thought they were Mormon spies. Mormon spies. I guess the Mormons and the Quakers were arch rivals.

I love it. I love it. They had the annual football game and future episode methinks. I think so. But eventually the Quakers learned that they were free-staters from Kansas. And the Quakers also did not like slavery. And so they basically ignored John Brown and his men and whatever they were doing. Okay, cool.

However, one of Brown's men did get in trouble for, quote, hugging girls. Against their will or what do? No. Just hugging girls in public. The Quakers didn't like that. But did the girls like it? Oh, okay. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Spicy. Okay. Colonel Hugh Forbes. He's back, baby. No, he's not. I'm just going to let you know he did give up training Brown's men, but he did leave his wonderful manual, the manual of the patriotic volunteer. And so Brown handed this manual out to his men and said, hey, study this manual.

Can you still read this to this day or has it been lost to the history host? I wasn't able to find it. Okay. It's probably in an archive somewhere. I bet there's some good stuff in there. So they ran their own drills and instructions to train the army. And the man leading the drills was a new recruit from Kansas and his name was Aaron Stevens. But he had an alias, Captain Whipple.

Really? Whipple. Captain Whipple. Did he choose this for himself? Yes. Okay. Aaron Stevens was tall, had beautiful dark hair. And Kristen, he was buff as hell.

Really? I'm talking full nude spread in Threatening Boys Magazine. Oh, my goodness. A reporter would later describe Aaron Stevens as the finest specimen of physical manhood I have ever seen in my life. Whoa. Which, fun fact, that is how Kristen. described me when she saw me nude for the first time. It was our wedding night.

No. No one would ever say that if they saw me. Oh my God, Norman. I honestly really like how men could appreciate other men's bodies back then. I mean, this reporter was like... They can still do it today. But don't you remember when like we were younger? It'd be like, ooh, you're gay.

Yes. I mean, it's funny. We've gone through some weird times because, like, All right, back in this time period, this is a thing that historians struggle with because like when I did the Carrie Nation episode, there is this whole section about her where she wrote in her diary a lot about a female friend. And historians now are like, were they lovers? Or it was just more common at that time period for men to be able to write and talk about other men in kind of a romantic way and women to be able to be able to be able to. to do the same. Yeah.

But it wasn't necessarily gay. Correct. Aaron Stevens was hot as hell. Yeah. Buff as hell. Big buff boy. Do we have a picture of this man? There is a picture of Aaron Stevens.

Should I look him up? Might be hard to find. I had to go deep in a website to find a picture. And unfortunately, it's just a headshot. It's not, you don't get to see his full bod. Yeah, we want to see the whole bod. Okay, well, this just looks like a dude with a comb over. I feel like I'm really.

really missing something. Yeah, I said there's the body shot's not really there. Oh, that's a shame. I'm just going to have to use my imagination. Just imagine him picking you up and setting you down over and over and over. Because you know he could. Are you good? Are you done? I'm almost finished. Oh, wow. Kristen, Aaron Stevens was an army deserter. Oh, shit.

He had threatened to kill a superior officer when he was stationed in New Mexico. and he was originally sentenced to death. But that sentence was commuted and he was given three years of hard labor in Leavenworth, Kansas, and he eventually escaped prison and he joined John Brown's army. Okay.

Thanks to Aaron Stevens' army experience, though, he was now in charge of leading drills and instructions with the threatening boy army. Well, meanwhile, John Brown needed money bad. So he left his threatening boys in Springdale, Iowa. and he went back east again. In January of 1858,

John Brown arrived in Rochester, New York, and he decided to visit his old friend Frederick Douglas. Brown was very excited to talk to Frederick Douglas about his new plan to end slavery. Yeah. He was maybe a little too excited. Frederick Douglass said he became somewhat bored because it was all Brown could talk about.

Oh. And he was constantly. showing Frederick Douglass these maps he had drawn of the mountains and these little forts he was going to construct in the mountains. And Frederick Douglass said, I was less interested in these drawings than my children were. This is still exciting, though. I can't believe he was bored by this. I mean, John Brown must have gone on and on and on and on.

Well, you said he wasn't a good speaker. Not a great speaker. But also, Douglas still at this point was like, yeah, cool idea, man. he didn't actually think John Brown was going to do this. He appreciated the enthusiasm, but he was like... Well, did he not hear about the massacre? Oh, he did. Okay.

But again, John Brown always denied he was involved in that. I don't know if he did it, Kristen. I think you do know. Well, Frederick Douglass did agree to help John Brown by raising some money and finding potential recruits for his army. While John Brown was staying with Frederick Douglass, he wrote up his own constitution. If you recall, Colonel Hugh Forbes warned Brown that your little makeshift army is going to result in anarchy. Right. The men are going to revolt.

And so John Brown said, fine, I'll write up some laws. We're going to have a president. We're going to have a secretary of war. We're going to have a Congress. We're going to have the works. Okay. And John Brown believed this constitution would help shape his revolution to end slavery. Well, yeah, it probably would.

Don't make that face. Some rules help. No, yeah, it's a good idea. But it does seem like he's looking for a lot of different positions for like 12 people. Yeah, well, this new constitution, of course, denounce slavery. Sure. We're not going to do that in this new country. Okay.

But it did have some hilarious rules. So one article excluded filthy conversation. Oh. In decent behavior? Not allowed. Intoxication, not allowed. Wow. And worst of all, Kristen, unlawful intercourse.

Not allowed. I think we can both agree, Kristen, that unlawful intercourse is the only thing worse than slavery. I'd say filthy conversations right up there with it. Yes. What a terrible set of rules. That's that Calvinist coming out in him. John Brown stayed with Frederick Douglass for a month. Oh, okay. Well, you should have led with that. Of course, Frederick Douglass was sick of him. Oh, my God.

I thought this was like, you know, an afternoon. It was a month. Yeah. Well, you know, he had to write this constitution, Kristen. Well, okay. That just shows what a good friend Frederick Douglas was. He was. He was. He was like, fine, you can stay and write your little constitution and show me your little maps. Okay, but, you know, show the kids the maps too. I think they're really interested. Leave me alone. Well, after a month, John Brown was on his way again, and he soon met up with Franklin Sanborn again.

You know, the guy that took John Brown on the lecture tour. We all know him. Given the U-W-W-Is. Well, Franklin Sanborn was a little mift. Why? And he said, John, what the hell is going on? Franklin Sanborn had received a letter from Colonel Hugh Forbes. Oh.

And he said John Brown is a lot. and he's a cheat. And Hugh Fulb said that he had a wife and a kid to feed, and they lived in Paris, and he didn't have money to send them because John Brown wouldn't pay him. Yeah, that's shitty. And he needed to be paid immediately to save his starving family in Paris. Okay, well, that seems a little dramatic. It was definitely dramatic. Yeah.

Don't believe Colonel Hugh Forbes completely. And then Franklin Sanborn received another letter from a man in Kansas who said, John Brown has left the territory. And, quote, some thought him insane. Yeah. Franklin Sanborn also heard rumors that Brown was planning to invade the South. Oh, where'd you get that idea, Franklin? What's going on?

Because remember John Brown initially told these people, I'm going back to Kansas, I'm going to raise some hell. Sure, sure. Well, John Brown came clean. Okay. And he confessed. And he said, yep, I'm going to invade the South and gather some of your friends up. I'll tell you more. He's going to need help to carry out this mission.

Darn right he is. So in March of 1858, John Brown met with six abolitionists. I'm going to name them. Okay. This feels like a quiz. Why are you making those eyes at me? Because I love you, baby. I'm about to bust.

Kristen, in March of 1858, six abolitionists gathered to discuss a plan to end slavery. They were Franklin Sanborn. Yes. Garrett Smith. Oh, yeah. The wealthy abolitionist who had donated all that land to free. Yes, we remember. To formally enslaved people.

Thomas Wentworth Higginson. He was a fiery clergyman. Oh. Theodore Parker. He was a minister. Okay. Samuel Gridley Howe. Ooh.

He was a doctor known for his work with disabled people. Mm-hmm. And then finally, George Luther Stearns. He was a wealthy merchant who funded settlers to Kansas. Okay. These six men would be known as the Secret Six. Oh, for real. I thought you were going to make up something silly.

Like the Super Hall of Best Friends or something? I don't have to because The Secret Six is a fucking badass name. Perfect. Yes. Although also it sounds like something that would happen on like Big Brother or Survivor. They make an alliance and they call it the Secret Six. I'm sorry to ruin it for you, but that's just the truth. I would hate it if I was watching Survivor and like, let's call ourselves the Secret Six.

Yay! Yay! Everyone, I love stupid reality TV. Norman does not. it keeps our marriage very spicy. Hell yeah, it does. Because I just watch it with you and I'm like, who's this? What's this guy's deal?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Why is he saying this? Why is he doing this? I just ask a lot of questions. See, reality TV moves so fast that Norm can barely keep up. It's true. I'm just a remarkably plain boy with excellent character.

Kristen, the Secret Six, were responsible for funding John Brown's bold plan. And they communicated via code. They disguised Brown's plan to end slavery as a wool business. Oh, great. So they would say things like, how's the wool business coming along? Did you find more sheep?

Oh. Things like that. Now, a few members of the Secret Six, they were a little concerned about John Brown's plan, as you were as well, Kristen. Yeah. John Brown didn't really have many men. He needed some more threatening boys.

He needed a whole magazine full of them. And he would also need substantial support, weapons, money, all that stuff. People saying we like the soundboard, norm, keep going. Emotional support. Yes. Very important. Man, my shorts are really riding up right now. I'm basically wearing Daisy Duke.

See them. Look at this. Oh, my God. Lord Almighty. I'm not standing up. Your sack's about to fall out. Kind of, yeah. Glad this camera doesn't pan down.

Ooh. Ooh. This is why you got to get the full video, people. Maybe I'll stand up later and that'll entice people. Or maybe people downgrade to the $5 level. I'm blinded. His thighs are so pale. The Secret Six did agree on one thing, though.

violence was the answer to end slavery. Okay. And even if John Brown failed in his mission, he would certainly become a martyr for the cause. And he was okay with that and they were okay with that, right? John Brown was willing to die. Sure. For this cause. In April of 1858, after his fundraising efforts, John Brown went back to Iowa to get his boys, who he called his flock of sheep.

Great news, Kristen. While John Brown was gone, his little army managed to recruit four new members. Okay. So now they have 13 threatening boys. All right. And again, I want to mention John Brown was never clear with his men what the plans were in Virginia, but his men were very loyal to him. They trusted him completely. And over time, information slowly leaked out about what they were going to do.

Yeah. And his men soon found out they were going to go to Harper's Ferry. but their assumption was they were just going to conduct raids on enslavers and liberate enslaved people and that was it well the next month in may john brown took his boys his little threatening boys and they went north to chatham ontario in canada dang many former enslaved people lived in chatham it was a final destination on the underground railroad prominent black leader such as Harriet Tubman frequented the town and Brown had actually met Harriet Tubman previously and he hoped to recruit her for the Harper's ferry mission. See, now, she could have told him the ways in which he was fucking up.

In fact, she probably would have, should have been the one to actually lead this whole thing. So she absolutely supported his idea to conduct, She did. To conduct warfare from the mountains. Yeah. Yeah. She would not have approved of this.

Why do you say that? It was suicidal. Okay. Yeah. But of course she highly respected John Brown. Now, she would be a great episode. Episodes. That would be like a 12-part episode.

I know. She helped, like, isn't the number like a thousand people? Probably more than that. On the Underground Railroad? Probably more than that. Okay, well, anyway. There's untold numbers. All right.

All right, continue. So John Brown hoped to recruit Harriet Tubman for his mission, but he also needed more men for his army. Mm-hmm. So he went to Chatham, Ontario, to hold a convention. And he delivered a speech where he read aloud his brand spanking new constitution. Well, that's not going to bring in anybody. You know, the one that said unlawful. So, first of all, people, no unlawful.

intercourse. That's rule number one. Uh-huh. Before we even talk about slavery. Everyone, you know how fun sex is? Well, you're not having it here. You're going to hate this, folks. Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with me? Most of the attendees of this convention

were free black people. There were around 30 to 40 people at the convention, and most of them signed the new constitution. They elected a Congress. They appointed John Brown as command. and chief. Everyone at the meeting was super pumped to support this revolution. But the key word here is they were supporting the revolution. Right. Well, then John Brown took out a piece of paper and said, all right, who's joining the army? Hell no. It was one thing to talk about a revolution

and then another to actually take part in the fighting. And for formerly enslaved people, Yeah, no. The idea of going back to the United States, let alone to the South. To the South, was extremely dangerous and, quite frankly, terrifying. Also, stupid. No, I shouldn't say stupid, because if you decide that's what you want to do, that's what you want to do. But let me just tell you, if I were in this position, by some miracle, I make it to Canada, You ain't leaving.

Fuck, no, I'm not going back. Yep. Would you like to guess how many men John Brown was able to recruit at the Chatham Convention? There are 40 people attending. Did he get two? He got one man. Okay. I'll tell you a little bit more about him later.

May I make a guess? Sure. He has family who he's separated from and he wants to fight to free them. Is that it? I mean, I'm sure a lot of freed black people were... No, but you will learn about somebody who was going to do that. Okay, okay. It's now the summer of 1858, Kristen.

John Brown's plan was potentially compromised. Dun, dun, dun, dun, I need that on my soundboard. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Because we're just full of cliffhangers here. Yes. Colonel Hugh Forbes was back at it. Again, Kristen.

He is still pissed that John Brown stiffed him. His family's still starving in Paris, Christine. No, they're not. Well, Mr. Hugh Forbes was now threatening to reveal John Brown's plan unless he or his supporters coughed up some cash. I mean, that is scary. But also, maybe Colonel Hugh should be scared that John Brown might. rip his jaw off. How about that? That's not a joke. That's for real. Wouldn't it be funny if John Brown did rip his jaw off, though?

Yeah, the irony. You're going to talk about me? Good luck. These Daisy Dukes are really riding up. How far up are? I mean, they are. They are fully inside me now, Kristen. Those pants are lost to the whole. I'm inverted completely. So Colonel Hugh Forbes was in Washington, D.C., talking with politicians. Oh.

And he was calling John Brown, quote, a very bad man. Ouch. That's got to hurt. Yeah. Well, The Secret Six went into full-blown panic mode, Kristen. DefCon 1, alert, alert, alert. They were like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, we are fuck. Really? We are going to get in so much trouble. The Secret Six is not as badass as I thought they were. They were kind of little baby cowards about the whole thing. Okay. And so a few of them were like, let's just call the whole thing off. Let's just forget about it.

What? No, just pay him. Forget it. Forget it. Pay them and put them on the Royal Caribbean cruise back to Paris. Mm-hmm. All you can eat buffet, baby. Yeah.

And then take some to go for your wife and kids. starving wife and kid. Can I get some of that chocolate cake to go? I'm just going to take this chocolate fountain. Oh, yeah, the chocolate fountain. D.P.'s favorite. D.P. being your father, Daryl Pitts, for these fresh hoes out there listening.

Well, and I can tell a fresh hoes story. Let's hear it. Several years ago. This was before you and I were married, before Kyla and Jay were married. You and I. Anyhow. That's that Nebraska song again. Again.

Why does it keep coming? up on this podcast. Add it to the history host Spotify playlist. So, you know, my family went on a cruise. My dad has the palate of a five-year-old. And, you know, at a cruise, it's buffet time. Oh, boy, oh, boy. And Kyla was trying to get him to eat healthier.

And he was not interested at all. And in fact, after every meal, he would go up to the soft serve station. and I mean, he would just test the limits of the cups and just fill that thing with chocolate ice cream to the point that we started calling it a fudge dragon because it was just a mountain. He had created a monster of soft serve. Yes, and Kyla has gotten less dramatic over time, but I think that's only because she has two kids. So, you know, it's like that'll wear you down a bit. But at the time she was at the peak of her drama. So I remember my dad coming back to the table with a fudge dragon thing after she'd just talked to him about how he should be eating better and he'd eaten only meat and cheese for his meal.

Meat, cheese and chocolate. And she saw the fudge dragon and she cried. She cried. She cried. Early 20s, Kyla, was a very dramatic person. Yeah. She wasn't getting enough sleep, Kristen. That's why.

Oh, my. We'll save that story for another time. Oh, we don't have time now. There's no time. Sherey, Ray, wants you all to be getting your eight hours, okay? Sherey Ray. And if... Question Kyle's sleep habits.

Sherey, by the way, for Fresh History Ho's, is my mom. Her real name, Sherry. There's no time. No time. Sherey wants you all to get your eight hours of sleep. And, frankly, if you seem a little fussy, she will ask you if you're getting enough sleep. And maybe that'll annoy you because you're not getting enough sleep. sleep.

Get that sleep or you're going to have a bird pecking at you. The Sherey-ray-ray bird. Baird, bard, bard. Bart is a word. That should be on the soundboard, too. Yeah, it should. Write this stuff down. We need to write this down, folks.

We are recording it. Oh, yeah, this is a podcast. I'm having so much fun. I feel like I'm just talking to my wife. With my shorts high-duke. With my Daisy Duke son. It's just a normal Tuesday for you. I will stand up at the end of this.

It's a mess down here. So, Kristen, the Secret Six is in full-blown panic mode. Yeah. And they said, let's just call the whole thing off. He's going to expose everything. They're going to call it all off. These assholes. John Brown was not phased one bit.

Of course he wasn't. He criticized the Secret Six. Yeah. He said they were not men of action. Yeah. John Brown wanted to press forward. He wanted to attack Harper's Ferry soon. He said, fuck Colonel Hugh Forbes.

Let's just do it. But the Secret Six took a vote, and they decided to suspend operations until things had cooled off. I've got no respect for these fuckers. I mean, I do have a little—I shouldn't say that. Hell no. What? Why do you say hell no? I don't know.

I just felt like pressing the button. Oh, God. See, you need a reason to press the buttons. So you don't respect the Secret Six right now. No, I shouldn't say that because they are. They're funding this mission. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, and they're very prominent people. Yes, I'm being an asshole. There's a trail of evidence leading John Brown back to them. I know. Okay. And it's like, what kind of brave things am I doing right now? Nothing. Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm just talking shit about dudes from the 1800s. Yeah. Oh, I had a true crime podcast. How original, Kristen. How dare you? You're so brave for having a true crime podcast. And original you have to be to have a true crime podcast these days?

I talked about dead white women bravely. You have to be almost as brave as someone who runs a video game YouTube channel. So yeah, The Secret Six took a vote. They decided to suspend operations. And they told John Brown, you got to go back to Kansas for a year. Because they thought this would discredit any idea that John Brown was going to attack the What? He's in Kansas. He's not going to attack the South. He could just attack somewhere else in the South.

John Brown was genuinely upset about the situation. Yeah. He went back to his little threatening boy army, and he gave everyone whatever money he could spare. He felt bad. Yeah. The little army had to disband until further notice. Quite a few of the men just went with John. John Brown to Kansas. Others went to Ohio, Illinois, Iowa, kind of spread out.

But one man in particular, he was feeling a little restless, and he was kind of eager to do something. Okay. He's like, I don't want to go back to Kansas. Yeah. I've been doing all these drills. His name was John Cook. John Cook was a handsome fella. My God, all these dudes are.

Okay. Threatening Boys Magazine. They're all hot as hell. He had blonde hair, blue eyes. He had been a free state fighter with John Brown in Kansas. But John Cook was also a chatty Kathy. Uh-oh. Many members of Brown's Army thought John Cook talked way too much.

Especially with the ladies. John Cook was a ladies man. Wait, was he the one who was hugging everybody? Or is that a different one? It wasn't made clear who was doing all the hugging, but it's very possible it was John Cook. Okay, okay. Would not surprise me. Hugging and whispering.

Pts. I think you're remarkably plain. And I'm going to go. I'm about to bust. John Cook was honestly a liability. It would not be a shock to anyone if John Cook exposed John Brown's entire plan by running his mouth. Yes.

Well-intentioned, I'm sure. Yes. But just talking too damn much. This is what would happen to me. You'd be chatting it up too much. You'd be like, oh my gosh, I have to tell you. I have to tell you what we're about to do. It's so exciting.

I am not good at keeping secrets. As you know. Yeah. Someone asks me a point-blank question. Uh-oh. Here comes the answer. Your poker face is terrible. I'd love to see you get an answer.

interrogated in a detective room. I've already thought about it too much this week. Really? Yes. For what? My hyperfixation right now is I'm watching all these CIA spy videos on YouTube. And I've thought about how would I do as a spy? And if I got captured, what would I do?

The answer is I'd be terrible. I'm not talking. I'd start off strong. I'm going to be chirping like a bird, whatever you need. What do you need to? How do you think you'd hold up? I don't think I'd be very good either. Okay.

Don't feel bad. Thanks. It's okay. Thanks. We're not all cut out. Yeah, you're not cut out to be a spy. It's okay. I'm not cut out to be a threatening boy.

Yeah. It's just the way we're built, Kristen. We're just cut out to sit in our home and talk about things that happened a long, long time ago. An old-timey podcast. And maybe we let our shorts hike up a little too high. Uh-oh, there's a cat at the door. Oh, boy. I can't stand up to.

Oh, boy, people. Oh, my God. Everyone, his boxer briefs are lower than his shorts. You could see the bottoms of his underwear poking out from his shorts. Don't worry, I edit all the video. I will put a sensor bar on it. Kristen, John Cook, the ladies' man. He did not like the idea of going back to Kansas.

Right. Been there, done that. So he proposed to John Brown, hey, let me go to Harper's Ferry. And I'll scout the area. I could learn about the people that live there. No, John, you're literally the worst person we could send on this mission. I can spy on the federal armory. No, you can't.

I can see the train schedule when the train. trains go in and out. John Cook is going to show up. Hey, hey, you're really cute. I really like you. So I'm going to tell you this one little thing. We're going to come and kill you. Get yourself and all your hot friends and take off for the hills, okay, honey?

Because we're going to come kill everybody. What do you think John Brown did? John Brown is dumb about this stuff. So John Brown probably said, yeah, go ahead, John Cook. What a great idea. Go ahead. John Brown agreed to let John Cook go to Harper's Ferry alone, but he sternly warned Cook. No, no, it's not going to work.

A stern warning. No. Don't talk about anything. I know because I am John Cook. He can say, all right, John Brown, yeah, I won't say anything and he'll mean it. You're also wonderful with the ladies, just like John Cook. I am quite good with the ladies. If you look at the analytics for my podcast, it's mostly women.

That's true, actually That's not a joke You keep doing the When it's not a joke A stark difference From my YouTube demographics Which is mostly men Dudes, dudes

Mostly men 97% 95 I think Okay I've gained a few Few lady followers recently They just listen to the podcast Ever since I started showing off

These Daisy Dukes The ladies have been Coming over to the YouTube channel Hoping and catch another glimpse Uh huh Who can blame them? You will not find it on the YouTube channel.

So in the summer of 1858, John Cook became the newest resident of Harper's Ferry, Virginia. And he had a pretty good time in Harper's Ferry, Kristen. I bet he did. He joined a debate club. He picked up several different jobs. He was a teacher, bookseller,

a canal lockkeeper. All right. Supposedly, John Cook got pretty friendly with some wives of Federal Armory employees. Oh. But hey, John Cook was a man about town. One woman commented in a letter that John Cook, quote, seems to have made a favorable impression upon everyone.

Okay. John Cook was a lover. Not a husband. But he was a lover, big time. Meanwhile, John Brown's back in Kansas. And he's under the alias, Shubel Morgan. Shubel. Shoebul Morgan.

That won't catch anyone's attention. John Brown also had a brand new look. Oh, is this when he grew out the big old beard? He had grown out a long white beard taking on an almost Moses-like appearance. Okay, you just shook your shirt. You have to explain to the people. For the people who can see video, Norm's got his John Brown shirt on, and it's a picture of John Brown from this time period. Yes.

This was taken in 1859, I believe. So a year later, but this is basically what John Brown looked like. There's no doubt that John Brown enjoyed the comparison to Moses. After all, he did believe that he was God's chosen instrument to end slavery. But also John Brown had to disguise himself because he was still a wanted man, especially in Kansas. Right. So John Brown, aka Shubel Morgan, came back to Kansas, and he was like, what is up, bitches?

It's your favorite threatening boy. Back at it again. Let's fuck some shit up. Nobody wanted to join. John Brown quickly found himself bored. Oh. Freestaters, aka Free Soylers, had essentially won out in the Kansas territory. Well, yeah, they won.

They're like, our fighting's over. We're good. The pro-slavery legislature was ousted. Mm-hmm. Their constitution had been soundly rejected. Kansas settlers took a vote on it. 11,300 to 1,788 rejected the pro-slavery constitution. It just shows the rampant voter fraud that was happening a couple years ago.

Yeah. They voted under the protection of federal troops. So there was no more intimidation, no more voter fraud. Yeah. It's a good thing. So Kansas was now basically guaranteed to become a free state. But that would not happen until 1861. And by the way, all of this happened despite the best efforts of President James Buchanan

trying to get Kansas admitted as a slave state. How do you feel about this, Norm? He is another one of my top ten worst presidents, Kristen, James Buchanan. He looks like a drunk cockatoo, by the way. Hang on, I'm going to look him up. Did I look him up last time? I don't think he did. You looked up Franklin Pierce.

Look up James Buchanan. He looks like a drunk cockatoo. Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, he fucking sucks too. All right. Sorry you fucking suck.

James Buchanan. Well, it's now December of 1858, John Browns in Kansas, kicking rocks. But he finally found something to do. His men were patrolling. the Kansas, Missouri border near Fort Scott, when they came across a runaway enslaved person named Jim Daniels, he had crossed into Kansas from Missouri, and Daniels told the men his family was about to be sold off,

and he begged them for help, please rescue my family. Yeah. Kristen, I know you've been waiting for this moment, because in the first episode, I told you, John Brown, liberated and rescued enslaved people from plantations. Uh-huh. Well, here we go.

Hop to it. Let's hear it. John Brown wasted no time. Hell yeah. At midnight on December 20th, John Brown led 18 men into Vernon County, Missouri. Fuck, yes. Which is near present day, Nevada, Missouri. Uh-huh. Yes, it is pronounced that way.

Population today, 8,000. Fun fact. Nation's mother was put in an insane asylum in Nevada, Missouri. Yes. Very cool. Isn't that? Oh, yeah, it was really cool for her, I'm sure. John Brown and his men liberated 11 enslaved people.

Wow. Sexy, beefy, buff boy Aaron Stevens killed an enslaver. Hell yeah. And then John Brown also helped himself to some supplies. He got some horses, got some oxen, got some d'allet, got some bribes. Got some clothes, got some food. He was trying on all of his outfits. Ooh, look at this.

Look at this. Old Oswatomie Brown is in the headlines again. Yeah. Newspapers. I love that, though. So they got this man's whole family? Rescue his whole family. And more.

Yeah, and more, I would assume. That's amazing. Yep. How lucky that he came across fucking John Brown. Yeah. Like the one white dude in the whole country who was like, Yeah, hell yeah. And John Brown's not done yet.

Oh, okay. So newspapers printed this story. They talked about John Brown in his daring midnight raid into Missouri. Yeah. The governor of Missouri was fucking pissed. Is there a plaque for this? I would love to go to the place. It took me a long time to figure out where John Brown raided into Missouri.

Okay. But I did finally figure out it was Nevada, Missouri. I'm not sure if there's a plaque, but man, I hope there is. You know I love my plaques. We're not too far from Nevada. No, I was going to say we could go. So the governor of Missouri was fucking pissed. President James Buchanan, aka drunk cockatoo, also was fucking pissed.

And they both offered a reward for the capture of John Brown. Oh, get out of here. And now Southerners were beginning to get a little concerned about John Brown. Wait a minute. This guy. Wait, is this guy going to come over here? Wait a second. What is he doing?

Liberate everybody? That'd be really bad for me. Kristen, it was one thing for John Brown to defend Kansas. It's a whole other thing for him to go into a slave state, like Missouri, and rescue enslaved people. Southerners did not like that one bit. Sorry. They were like, he's coming in here and taking enslaved people. Not cool.

John Brown. It's very cool. Well, John Brown. Wait, who's the guy, who got murdered in this? One of the enslavers. Well, how many enslavers were there? There were two. Okay.

Husband and wife, or like... It was two different... Two different plantations. Two different plantations. Gotcha. And when I say plantation, I'm not talking like the ones you see in the movies, like gone with the wind, these massive tobacco are cotton plantages. These were very...

These were small, far. arms in Missouri, but they had enslaved people on them. Yeah. And they killed one of the enslavers. What Buff Boy Aaron Stevens did. Yeah. Shot him. Bam.

I'm so glad you didn't use the soundboard for that. The shot? Yeah. I took that shot off of the soundboard. Well, at least you have that beautiful mouth of yours. Bam! Bam! That's what the gun sounded like.

Bam! And it was hard for anyone to take it seriously, except for that one guy who was giggling as he died. He was like, oh, you do sounds while you shoot people. That's fun. Well, you know, these Southerners are not happy what John Brown's doing. Mm-hmm. Well, John Brown shot back at his critics.

He wrote to the newspapers. Okay. Wrote letters to him. Wrote a letter to the New York Tribune. And he pointed out, hey, when free state settlers in Kansas were killed, nobody gave a shit. Yeah. No one gave a shit.

But when, quote, 11 persons are forcibly restored to their natural and inalienable rights, the government and the public are filled with holy horror. That's because that's not what's making them mad. They're scared that the enslave. They're terrified. They're murdered. Before John Brown murdered, poor white idiots who were in favor of slavery. Yeah.

This time, one of his dudes, the handsomest of them all, murders and enslaver. And everyone identifies with the enslaver because everyone is just this close to being rich enough to own somebody. Wouldn't that be wonderful? One day I'm going to own that human being, Mom. Yeah, yeah. One day. How nice. Well, John Brown was loving the public reaction to what he did.

He was in the news again, Kristen. Well, yeah. And people were scared. He really loved it because he thought, imagine what they will say when I attack Harper's Fairy. Oh. As in you ain't seen nothing yet. B'Bah, baby, I ain't seen nothing yet.

Added to the playlist. History hos, do your thing. Kristen, are you ready for the delicious fondant icing on this cake? No one, no, you shouldn't eat the fondant. Yes. Okay, give it to me. My favorite Dairy Queen Blizzard flavor, fondant. John Brown and his threatening boy army took those 11 enslaved people, and they escorted them all the way to Chatham, Ontario, Canada.

Hell yeah. They traveled by wagon up through Iowa and then into Illinois and then to Chicago, and from there, and from there, a Mr. Allen Pinkerton. From the Pinkerton detective agency? The same one. Okay. He secured them a train to Detroit. Alan Pinkerton was a big-time abolitionist.

I did not know that. Okay, cool. And then finally they took a ferry across to Canada. That entire journey, from the time they ran into Jim Daniels on the border to Chatham, Canada. it took them 82 days and 1,100 miles. Wow. But those 11 enslaved people were now free. That's amazing.

So what ages and like what's the breakdown of these 11 people? Because I'm sure this was. I apologize. I didn't look into that. But there were women and children. Yeah. I mean, there would have to be. This act further boosted the legend of John Brown.

He seemed unstoppable now. and I think John Brown himself felt invincible. Oh. After he finished this escort mission to Canada, John Brown went to Cleveland, Ohio, and he received kind of a hero's welcome. And for 10 days, he walked around Cleveland without a problem. There's a reward on his head.

No one bothered him. Wow. Wow. Even though President James Buchanan had a $250 reward for his capture. Adjusted for inflation? Shit. Norman, how could you? Hang on.

Wow. Who's the drunk cockatoo now? Shit. I'm so sorry. Mistakes of shame. Shame. $250 reward for John Brown adjusted for inflation.

John Brown was worth about 10 grand. Okay, yeah. Well, John Brown found all that pretty hilarious. And so as a publicity stunt, John Brown put out a reward for the capture of President James Buchanan. $2.50. It's probably about $100. That's great. Well, John Brown was then summoned back to New England.

The Secret Six were eager to meet up with John Brown again because they had heard what he had done. And they were feeling reinvigorated. Oh. Oh, hmm. They had all, they were all hopped up on Nugetics. Their testosterone was through the roof. They were like, let me at them. Let me at them.

And they agreed that Brown was now in the clear to carry out his plan at Harper's Ferry. Okay. Ready to go, baby. Before John Brown left the New England area, he went on another round of visits to abolitionists. He collected money where he could. This time around, he got way more money. Well, yeah, he was hot off this big victory. Mm-hmm.

He is hot and dangerous. He collected over $2,000. Adjusted for inflation, he got $75,000. Wait, what? What? 2000. That's $75 grand. Do you mean $7,500?

$75,000. You just said the reward for him was how much? $10,000. Oh. The reward was $250,000, adjusted for inflation. It's about $10,000. Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I'm with you now. Yeah. Come on now. I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep up. I'm distracted by your thighs. I don't blame you. It's one of my many qualities, my thick thighs. One of your good qualities or just a quality?

Just one of my qualities. Qualities. I've got two thighs. So John Brown had some extra money, Kristen. Okay. Oh no, oh no, he's going to buy those fucking butternives. There's one last thing he wants to do. No, I don't.

had totally forgotten. Why did he not forget? Well, Kristen. This is the dumbest idea. Do you remember those Kansas butter names? I do. I do. A.k.a. Nath on a stick. Well, he went back to that forgery.

God damn it. And the forger was surprised to see John Brown. I bet he was. He's like, you've had time to think this through, buddy. You still want this? John Brown slammed that money on the counter. and the forger was very confused. Uh-huh. And he said, quote,

Kansas matters are all settled. Right. What earthly use can these be to you now? Yeah. John Brown said, don't worry. I've got a plan for these babies. Give me my knives on a stick. On June 11th,

John Brown went back home to North Elba, New York, to visit his family. Very rare thing he did during this time. It'd been a while. Yeah. While at home, he tried to convince his son, Salman. But he didn't want to go because this whole time, salmon had been floundering without his father around. Norm, it's okay to laugh at my hilarious jokes.

John Brown tried to convince his son, Salman, to come to Harper's Ferry with him. We'll have a whale of a time. John really tried to convince Solomon to go with him. he tried flattering him he also tried insulting him did he put a hook in him and just drag him along you didn't want to laugh but you did

he tried insulting him he tried everything Kristen he tried flattery and then he just started insulting him and then he tried joking with him and then he basically begged him come on Salman come to our Fairy, please.

I need men. Help dear old dad and slavery. Solomon, just like Jason and John Jr., had given up fighting after what happened in Kansas. I suppose John Brown's kids were just as stubborn as he was. Yeah. Well, and also, he's asking him to go down south, right? And we all know salmon only goes upstream. Holy fuck.

You are going to quit, aren't you? Brilliant. I know, I know. That's a pretty good joke. Thank you. Yeah. So yes, Solomon was not going. He was not going downstream with John Brown.

Yeah. On June 16th, on June 16th, 1859, John Brown bid his wife and children goodbye. And after a brief stop in Ohio to finalize a delivery of weapons and supplies, he went to Harper's Ferry, Virginia. It was time to bring the war to war. Africa. How old is he at this point? 59. Okay.

We're now in Harper's Ferry, Virginia, Kristen. Woo-hoo. All right. It's been a long journey here. Uh-huh. And John Cook hasn't fucked it up in any way. Oh, we're going to talk about John Cook. He's been having quite the time in Harper's Ferry.

He has. He's probably, he's probably, oh, I'm sorry. I just made the loudest slurping noise. I apologize. Delicious. Kristen's lips. delicious but deadly That's right

Isn't it true that you want to get to the portal Wait now what was it? The portal to your heart through your lips You want to get to my heart Through the portal of my lips There's something more to that but you know I'm about to bust You could say that again

Okay let's go Kristen If John Brown Wanted to incite a slave rebellion Harper's Fairy seemed like an odd place to do it. The town had a population of about 2,500 people. Okay. About half of that population was free black people. Oh, okay. There were only 88 enslaved people in Harper's Ferry, and less than 50 of them were men.

Okay. Most of the white population, which was about 1,200, they were government employees. from the north who worked at the federal armory. But again, John Brown was convinced that once he captured the armory, thousands of enslaved people and sympathetic white people

from the surrounding areas and counties, they would just flock to Harper's Ferry and join the battle. Okay. John Brown arrived in Harper's Ferry on July 3, 1859, and he had a new alias, Kristen. What is it?

He's no longer Shubel Morgan his name is Isaac Smith. See, that's a good alias. Oh, I'm not done yet. Oh. He never referred to himself as Isaac, though. He just called himself Smith. Was that the custom at the time?

No. Or was he making himself look like a fucking weirdo? He was making himself look like a weirdo. God damn it, John. That's not suspicious at all. Hi, my name is Smith. Okay, you know what I have learned? Guy Incognito.

For my recent hyperfixation on CIA and spies and stuff. They want you to be the gray little man. They want you to get on an elevator and get off and be so boring and non-descript that people couldn't even describe you. Ideally, they wouldn't have even noticed your ass. And this dude, he finally comes up with a common name. And he's like, uh-uh, don't call me Isaac. Call me Smith. I'm like Samantha's hot boyfriend in Sex in the City.

Let's add that to the soundboard. The Sex and the City theme song. Absolutely. It would come up so many times. P.S. Do we have time for me to grab some extra iced coffee? Yeah. All right. So, Kristen, before you took your iced coffee break.

Yes, I didn't realize we were going to call that out. Very good. John Brown arrived in Harper's Ferry on July 3, 1859, under the A.L. Alex Smith. Yeah, I didn't forget, and he's calling himself Smith. Yes. Did he wear a big fun hat, too? He wore a straw hat, but that was not suspicious at all.

So he arrived in Harper's Ferry, and he claimed he was a cattle buyer from New York, and he was looking for cheap land. Well, a friendly resident of Harper's Ferry pointed him to the Kennedy Farm. Okay. It was a small, two-story farmhouse. about five miles north of Harper's Ferry in Maryland, and it was somewhat isolated. And so this was an ideal place for John Brown to carry out his secret operation. Were they enslavers? The Kennedy Farm.

Yeah. Well, it was a farmhouse for rent. Oh, my mistake. Yeah, sorry, I should have led with that. Yeah, boy. I believe what happened was it was a husband and wife and the husband died, and the wife lived like in Pennsylvania and so she was renting out the old farmhouse. Gotcha.

It was a tiny farmhouse. Okay. So John Brown rented it. And funny story, John Brown later ran into that friendly resident that showed him where the Kennedy farm was. And John Brown ran up to him and was like, hey, thanks for telling me about the Kennedy Farm. I'm actually renting it now.

See, here's my receipt. So, okay. Here's my receipt for renting the farm. Uh-huh. that guy found it extremely odd that John Brown was showing him the receipt for renting the farmhouse. Yeah. The guy replied, it is nothing to me. John Brown's acting very strange.

Yeah, well, why did he do that? I guess he's so paranoid that people are going to think he's up to no good. He's like, check out my receipt. Yeah, I'm actually renting this place. Oh, gosh. Despite Despite Smith's odd behavior

He never aroused suspicion With the locals of Harper's Ferry Well yeah It sounds like it helped by him walking around Being like I'm just a totally normal guy I'm just Smith Don't worry about me Yep

Just wearing these Daisy Dukes Here's my receipt For everywhere I've been ever Yeah His wallet is Massive It's full of receipts John Brown's army brought in supplies via railroad to Chambersburg, Pennsylvania.

It was about 40 miles north of Harper's Ferry, and many free black people lived in Chambersburg, and they assisted in this operation to get supplies down to Harper's Ferry. Most of the supplies were shipped in from John Jr. He lived in Ohio, and he had been storing all of the weapons and supplies in his barn. John Jr., as I said before, refused to fight, but he did want to help out the cause. He was suffering from what he described as the most depressing melancholy, aka depression. Depression. Yeah, they used to call it melancholy. Old-timey word for depression.

Which, I like melancholy. It seems like a word that you should sing, which I think is, it should be the law. Melancholy, ch, ch, ch, chich, chich, chich, ch. I am worthless. Lay in bed today. Develop my organs. I'm not showering. I feel like we're kind of the same when we're depressed.

Mine is Lay in bed with the dogs And watch Kitchen Nightmares for 12 hours And you might be wondering Oh, have you not seen all the episodes of Kitchen Nightmare Storm? No, he's seen them all I've seen them all I know every character, I know almost every line

It can be on for just a snippet And he's like, oh, this one sucks What's my depression mode? You like Survivor, you like Big Brother Oh God, yeah Yeah You watch ASR, SMR massages on YouTube.

Yeah, which I know it sounds creepy and maybe it is creepy, but that's what I do. Does it get me out of the depression? Not really. Well, John Jr. was, he had some pretty serious depression. He, for the rest of his life, had depression. He never fully recovered from what he went through in Kansas. Yeah. If you remember in the first episode, he was tortured, you know, beaten with rifles.

butts imprisoned for months. Yeah. I mean, he went through some shit. It was rough out there for John Jr. But he was helping out in this way by storing supplies for his dad. Did he try positive thinking? You know, John Brown gave him a promo code to Better Help, but he didn't even use it. He was too depressed to even sign up for Better Help.

My God. We are not sponsored by Better Help, just so you know. All right. Get back to it, Mr. Okay. Kristen, I'd like to take this time to talk about some of the threatening boys in John Brown's Army. Please do. It's a who's who.

It's honestly, I want to make it like the intro to a sitcom. Okay. Whatever happened to predictability. The milkman, the paper boy. An end of slavery. You miss your old familiar friends. Well, they're waiting just around the bed with Kansas butter knives. Knife on a stick

Poke your enemies with it They're going to run away Ow What was that Knife on a stick Look out white folks We are coming for you All right

So these aren't all the men in his army But I wanted to touch on some notable people Who will come up later in this story Okay Okay When you're lost out there and you're all alone. You're waiting for John Brown to carry you home.

All the way to Canada. Frederick Douglass is bored. Sorry, we should stop. We got to make a parody album. Okay, so first up we have John Kagee, or Kagi. I'm not really sure how to say his last name. John K-A-G-I. Okay.

He was second in command under Brown. 24 years old, very intelligent, a vegetarian, and you know how I feel about vegetarians. I know you admire them so much. I respect the hell out of them. And they make you feel ashamed of yourself, but a lot of folks make you feel ashamed of yourself. Yes. John Kage had met John Brown in Lawrence, Kansas in 1856, and he became one of Brown's closest advisors. He was very good with logistics.

And so John Brown put him in charge of bringing in the supplies. So John Kagee was staying up in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania, where the Railroad Depot was. And that's where all the supplies were coming in. Next, we have Buff Boy, sexy ass Aaron Stevens. No one forgot about him. We've already met him. He's our resident Buff Boy. He was in charge of training the men.

He was third in command. Okay. Sexiness only gets you so far. This is like a choose your character in a fighting game. I'm choosing the hot one. Choose your character. Next, there's Owen Brown. Mm-hmm.

He was one of John's... Nepotism. Sorry. Yeah. Geez, John. Oh, yeah. Of course Owen. Of course.

Although it sounds like he's fourth in command. So that kind of... Owen Brown was one of John's eldest kids. He was 35. He'd been with John Brown through pretty much everything. Through Kansas, he took part in the Pottawatomie Massacre. He was one of two students in Colonel Hugh Forbes training in Tabor, Iowa. Just me and dad.

Owen Brown had been a bachelor his whole life. Hmm. And apparently, apparently he looked exactly like his dad. Unfortunately, Owen Brown had suffered some sort of injury to his arm when he was a kid, and so he had physical limitations. It's not really clear what happened to him, but he really wasn't able to fight that well. But he was dedicated to the cause. Gosh, single and 35 in this time period.

That had to be super rare. I think he wrote a book later in life, and he was just like, yeah, I was a bachelor and I just enjoyed it. I wonder if he was gay or just asexual maybe? Yeah, I think about that. sometimes. Yeah. Or maybe he felt like I live such a dangerous life. I don't want to ensnare some lady in it.

Yeah, or maybe he was just one hell of a lover. No, he followed his dad's rules, Norm. You're right. Pay attention. All right, Kristen. Next up, when the Threatening Boys calendar of 1859, we have Oliver Brown. He was John's youngest kid. Okay.

Youngest son, my apologies. 20 years old, he was a newlywed. Oh. Just like Owen, Oliver had been with his father since the Kansas days, and he also took part in the Potawatomi Massacre. He was like 18 when he took part in that. Next up, we have Watson Brown, another kiddo, 24 years old. He was the only Brown son that didn't go to Kansas initially. And so he kind of felt like he was missing out.

on some fighting. So he was super eager and itching to fight at Harper's Ferry. Okay. He was like, let's fucking do this. Calm down, Watson. Next up we have Osborne Anderson. He was a free black man. He was a printer from Pennsylvania.

This was the one recruit that John Brown got in Chatham, Canada. Oh, okay. Osborne Anderson. All right. Interesting man, you'll learn a lot more about him later. I fucking love the name. Osborne. It is a good name.

Isn't Osborne the name of the Green Goblin and Spider-Man? You're asking me? Dr. Osborne. I'm somewhat of a scientist myself. Kristen has never seen a movie. Especially not one of those movies. Give me a break. Spider-Man's great.

Okay. We'll watch you some time. Oh, God, no thanks. Hot kissing scene with Toby McGuire and Kristen Dunst. Yeah, I've seen that scene. Oh. Next up, Kristen, we have Dangerfield Newby. Oh, shit.

Never mind. That's the name. Dangerfield? Dangerfield Newby. Well, the last name kind of undercuts it. But all right. What's this guy's deal? He was a free black man.

Uh-huh. He was the oldest member of John Brown's army, besides John Brown. How old? He was born into slavery. But he gained his freedom when his dad, who was a, wealthy white landowner moved to Ohio. But Dangerfield Newby had a wife and seven kids who were still enslaved in Virginia. His fucking dad couldn't get them?

Nope. They were owned by another family. Well, yeah, you buy them, you wealthy fuck. Mm-hmm. I like your response. Mm-hmm. I agree. Okay.

Dangerfield Newby actually had an agreement in place to buy his. family's freedom. Wow. But the enslaver reneged on the offer. So this understandably pissed off Dangerfield Newby. Yeah. And he met some of Brown's men in Ohio, and he joined them when he heard they were going to Virginia. Hell yeah.

So Dangerfield Newby hoped to free his family by force. Oh my God. There would be nothing more satisfying that I'm going to murder you, fucker. we tried to negotiate a price for me to buy my family, then you acted like a little ass, and now I've got a knife on a stick, and I'm going to drive it through your stomach. He said, John, give me that knife on a stick.

Give me two of them. Three, actually. You got 950 of them. Well, I mean, how many can Dangerfield hold? This is what I'm asking. Five. Okay. Kristen, next up, we have John Cook, that handsome spy who was hanging out in Harper's Ferry?

John Cook, first of all, there's too many Johns in this story. Also, I know. I know you're going to fuck it up, John. John Cook, he'd been in Harper's Ferry for a year now. He'd fucked everybody twice. Ficked pretty much everybody. You're right. He'd fully integrated himself into the community, Kristen.

Yeah, he'd integrated his dick into the community. It was woven into society there. How many kids? did he have. Okay, well, he was married now. Of course he was. To his landlord's daughter. Okay.

After they found out she was pregnant. Yeah. So congratulations to John Cook. He was now both a husband and a lover, which is the ultimate goal of any man. Very good. Kristen, one author described John Cook's wife, the name was Mary. Okay. As a, quote, plump, blonde maid.

Mm, all right. She sounds cute. Kristen, I know you were concerned about John Cook running his mouth. Yes, very concerned. I identify too much with this man. Well, you're going to have to eat crow. No, I'm not. You are.

He had proven to be a very talented spy. Okay. He learned a ton about Harper's Fairy. I mean, yeah, if you're fucking ever, everybody, you're going to learn. Knee deep in puss. Okay. We call it Puss and Boots.

Puss in boots. So he learned a ton about Harper's Ferry. He learned a lot about the surrounding areas and the counties. He knew all the prominent citizens of Harper's Ferry. All right. And he learned a ton about the federal armory. Most notably, he learned that the armory was pitifully guarded at night. Love it

D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D. Next up in our... Oh, no, I've got a hair on my boobs. Oh, oh, sorry. Kristen, next up in our... Hang on. Wait for me to finish my hair-boop removal. Will you shave your boobs, please?

Shave them, no. It's just loose hairs from my head have fallen onto my blouse, sir. How dare you? Anyway, continue. Kristen, next up in our threatening boys' calendar. of 1859. We have John Copeland Jr. Another John. A lot of John's. John Copeland Jr. was a 24-year-old free black man from North Carolina, Fayetteville.

Oh, okay. But he now lived in Oberlin, Ohio, and John Copeland, Jr. was a fugitive. Dun, dun, dun! The previous year, he and 36 other men had helped free a runaway enslaved man who is being held by federal authorities under the Fugitive Slave Act. Whoa. They busted his ass out, and then they took him to Canada to freedom. 36? John Copeland and 36 other guys.

So 37 men stormed a U.S. Marshals. Now that's a story I want to hear. Yeah. It's called the – oh, hang on, there's a name for it. Okay. The Oberlin Wellington Rescue. Okay. Future topic.

Yeah. widely publicized thanks in part to the new telegraph. Oh. So yeah, he took part in that. He was a fugitive now. And finally, we have Lewis Leary. He was actually related to John Copeland Jr. He was his uncle.

Oddly, they were the same age. They were both 24 years old. That'll happen sometimes. So I wrote, sometimes that happens. Sometimes weird family stuff happens like that. Well, it's not weird. I mean, it's just like people start having kids early. It's not common to have an uncle the same age as you.

It might have been more common back then with birth control methods, what they were. Like, yeah, you're going to have kids super early, super late all the time. That's true. Yeah. Lewis Larry was also living in Oberlin, Ohio. He was a harness maker, and he and his wife had just welcomed a newborn baby daughter. Oh. Well, Kristen, I know you're juicing right now for the threatening boys calendar of 1859.

Yeah, how do I get my hands on it? Who's December? It has to be John Brown. What a silly question. John Brown, obviously. Wait, no, no, it has to be the hot guy, right? Aaron Stevens. No, John Brown still gets December.

Sorry. I've made up my mind. I think John Brown gets December. Yes, he does. He does. That was a silly thing. I got, you know, a little caught up in the looks. Just like that reporter.

The physical specimen. Yeah. Most impressive physical specimen. It's just him in a Santa hat in a log cabin. Yeah, with a knife on a stick. Kristen, John Brown quickly realized his army was a giant sausage fest. Oh. There were no women.

He just now realized? I thought he was going around trying to find good men. Where's all the women? And as your mother Shireiree once said, you don't want your life to be one big sausage fest. Oh, my God. Right? Everyone years ago. What?

Say it. Nothing. I'm involved in this story. You are involved. I was kind of like Norman and I were just started dating and I was like, I don't know how serious I want to be yet. And my mother, who had just recently learned the term sausage fest. asked me at a cheesecake factory. That's an important detail.

It was at cheesecake factory. Uh-huh, where all important conversations happen. Yes. She asked me, well, what do you want your life to be? A giant sausage fest? She was not joking. She was not joking. And neither was I when I said, yes, yes, I do.

Well, you got it, lady. You got all the sausage. And two thighs. Two thick, pale thighs. All for me. Get on that $10 tier. Get to see those thighs. Wow.

Are you really going to show people your thighs? Eff it. Wow. I'm all in on an old-timey podcast. It's serious now. Yep. So yeah, John Brown said, this is one big sausage fest. And it would be real suspicious for people to see a bunch of dudes.

Well, yeah. Just all of a sudden. White and black guys. all living together on this tiny-ass farm. Yeah. And there was a neighbor nearby. They were called the Huffmasters. Okay.

Kind of a fun last name. Uh-huh. And they rented a garden behind the Kennedy farm. And apparently Mrs. Huffmaster was a chatty Kathy. Uh-oh. Constantly came over. Uh-oh. Asking questions.

Well, yeah, she heard about all these hot dudes. Oh, who are you? Oh, what's going on in here? Hmm. So John Brown quickly wrote to his daughters back in North Elbow, New York and said, hey, will you come down to Harper's Ferry and kind of help out on the farm? Yeah, pose as people's wives and stuff. Yeah.

And so John Brown's 15-year-old daughter, Annie, came down along with Oliver Brown's 17-year-old wife, Martha. They were the newlyweds, just got married. So the two women, they would cook, they would clean, they would keep an eye out, out for anyone walking by. That's all they need is two women. There's just two women. Okay. They talked with the neighbors to distract them.

Annie said they lived in constant fear. Yeah. It was like standing on a powder magazine after a slow match had been lit. Oh. But Annie Brown did a fantastic job handling the situation. The Kennedy Farm was tiny. Still there, by the way. Oh, really?

It is a museum. Right outside of Harper's Ferry. I think it's undergoing renovations right now, but it is there. Okay. And they have tons of plaques. Just plaques on plaques on plaques. So many plaques. The Kennedy Farm had a kitchen, a dining room, one bedroom, and an attic.

One bedroom. That's it. Kristen, 25 people had to live in this farmhouse. Oh, gross. Most of the men in John Brown's army slept side by side in the attic. Just imagine the smell. I don't want to. Okay.

Because there's no bathroom. Right. No indoor plumbing. The men rarely came out during the day because they were afraid to get caught. Okay. They just stayed in the attic. They played cards. They debated with each other. They read Colonel Hugh Forbes' Manual of the Patriarchs.

Patriotic Volunteer. They're still studying that manual, Kristen. How big was this manual? John Brown's getting his money's worth with that manual. No kidding. The farmhouse was also filled with crates of weapons, but the crate was marked furniture to not arouse suspicion. And one time a visitor came by and asked,

why isn't any of this furniture unpacked? Right. Don't you want furniture in your house? Yeah. Well, Annie Brown was like, well, we're waiting for our mom to arrive, and she's really particular. about where the furniture is going to go. That's a pretty good answer, I think.

I think it's the only decent answer, yeah. I noted that this would not fly with you at all, Kristen, because you hate it when there are boxes laying around our house. I do. You would have immediately started opening those crates. I hate disorder. I think it's partially ADHD, I think. It's like I need clean surfaces or I feel like I am living in chaos.

I feel like I'm living with 25 men up in my attic, sleeping side by side. Sausage Fest. Too much sausage. You're like, oh, I just hate this. Oh, my gosh, you guys get out of here. Oh, my God. Look at his knife on a stick. Well, Kristen, the Kennedy farm had one bedroom, and it was given to de ladies.

Oh, okay, that's nice. Annie and Martha shared the bedroom, but so did Martha's husband. and Oliver. Oh, that's weird. There are two beds, don't worry. Okay. And apparently, Annie would hear them, quote, stirring and beating their bed at night.

Ew! Oh, God. What the? And one time Annie asked, what's going on over there? Oh, no. And Martha replied, we're just trying to stir a little soft into our bed. Stir a little soft?

Stir a little soft. into our bed, but they were bucking. We're all thinking it. We all know it except for 15-year-old Annie. Poor little naive Annie. Oh, I bet she knew. Kristen, I have bad news. What is it?

John Cook told to me. In August of 1859, John Brown's plan to attack Harper's Ferry was in danger of being exposed again. Why? It's the Colonel again, right? Colonel Hugh Forbes. It's not Colonel Hugh Forbes. Okay. Okay. Do you remember those Quakers in Springdale, Iowa? Yeah, they were good. They were snitches. They were kind of suspicious of John Brown.

Right, but they were fine with him. Right. Well, apparently John Brown, you know, he thought the Quakers were allies. And so he told him about his plan at Harper's Ferry. Just casual conversation. Yeah, you thought John Cook, was going to run his mouth. John Brown liked to run his mouth a little bit, too, I think. Well, Kristen, those damn Quakers decided they should probably let somebody know what was about to go down. Yeah.

So they wrote an anonymous letter to the U.S. Secretary of War, John Floyd. And they let him know about John Brown's plan to attack Harper's Ferry. The letter said that old John Brown of Kansas was going to invade Virginia through Harper's Ferry with an army. However, the Quakers messed up an important detail. Oh, good. Okay. They wrote that John Brown had spies at the federal armory in Maryland. Oh.

There was no armory in Maryland. Oh, my God. So does he get this letter and he's like, these quakes are full of shit? So when the Secretary of War, John Floyd, read the letter, he brushed it off. He was like, there's no armory in Maryland. And you thought the whole thing was a hoax. Well, yeah, there's something about an anonymous letter that just kind of makes you go, give me a break.

John Floyd would later say, I was satisfied in my own mind that a scheme of such wickedness and outrage could not be entertained by any citizen of the United States. Oh, give me a break. away and thought no more of it. A scheme of such wickedness? There's slavery afoot, my dude. Well, John Floyd, big fan of slavery.

Okay. So, crisis averted. What are the takeaways from this, Kristen? One, the Quakers cannot be trusted. And two, John Floyd really sucked at his job. I don't know. I kind of get it, though. I would think. I would think.

I would think. Because when I, when I was a reporter, you would get anonymous tips all the time. And when you can't follow up with someone and ask any additional questions and what they've given you has information in it that you know is false. Yeah. Yeah, you don't put that on the top of the list of things to investigate. Well, maybe John Floyd also didn't trust those damn Quakers. Why are you going to piss off the Quakers? The Quakers are good folks.

I am pissed. They tried to rat out John Brown. Yeah, but they were also very influential on the Underground Railroad. So how mad are you going to be? Yeah, which is why it doesn't make sense. They don't like violence, though. Okay, okay. I still love the Quakers.

All right. Sorry, Quakers. My bad. Kristen, if you can believe it. What now? That same month, John Brown's plan was yet again threatened. Okay. This time by his own men.

Anarchy, rebellion? They want to go have sex and say filthy things to each other? As I told you before, John Brown was always kind of vague about what his plan was at Harper's Ferry with his men. Most of them believed they were going to conduct raids on enslavers in the countryside. And remember, John Brown had just rescued those enslaved people in Missouri. Yeah. And so those men thought, oh, we're just going to do that again, but on a bigger scale in Virginia. And it'll be fucking awesome.

It'll be fucking cool. And Harper's Ferry is just kind of like the base of our operations. Right. It's just kind of where HQ is. Right. Well, John Brown went to the attic at the Kennedy Farm to speak with his men, and he finally revealed his grand plan. It's a little different now, Kristen. Okay.

They were going to attack Harper's Ferry directly. They were not going to go into the countryside and rescue enslaved people first. first. They were going to secure the federal armory at Harper's Ferry. And then they were going to go out and take enslavers and prominent citizens of the town as hostages. And then Brown said, we're going to have a ton of white and black supporters. We're going to have enslaved people. They're all going to flock to Harper's Ferry when they hear about what's going on.

And I'm going to arm them all with my Kansas butter knives. I got 950 knives on a stick. I'm going to arm them all. Okay. If they don't know how to use a gun. They know how to use a knife on a stick. That's right. Brown also printed up a declaration of liberty.

It's basically a pamphlet. He would hand out to everybody in Harper's Ferry. And it stated that the revolution would secure equal rights, privileges, and justice to all black and white. slave and free, irrespective of sex. Wow. Progressive King, John Brown. Wait, is he, he's not trying to start a new nation, right? He basically is.

Okay. You know, he wrote up that constitution. And as he moves... I got to admit, I just thought that was kind of a cute word for what he was doing. As he moves through the South, he is hoping people will flock to him and they will, you know, join the revolution. Sure. Okay. Well, what about the citizens of Harper's Ferry?

Aren't they going to fight back? If John Brown goes in there with the army, aren't the people that live in Harper's Ferry going to be like, whoa, dude, what are you doing? Well, John Brown believed he was going to take them completely by surprise. They're going to be so fast when they did this. The citizens will just, they won't know what to do. And then all of John Brown's supporters are going to come in. They're going to easily outnumber any resistance they might encounter. How quickly did he think people would join him?

Very quickly. Oh, gosh. And then, once everyone joined up, they were going to move south. They were going to keep attacking enslavers. They were going to keep taking hostages. They were just going to terrorize the Virginia countryside. And any enslaved person they rescued who didn't want to fight, they would be escorted to freedom in Canada through the mountains. Kristen, what do you think of this new plan?

There's a lot that I love about it. But the biggest problem is kind of the biggest thing of it all, which is that, like, how do you initially take power? And him initially taking power requires word to get out and for everyone to give up their lives as they know it and run to him and commit to violence and taking hostages. and this totally new way of life, people aren't going to do that. John Brown's men were stunned. Many of them strenuously objected to this plan, including his own kids.

Well, yeah. They said it was suicidal to expect this tiny army to capture and hold a federal armory. Right. They said local militia and, federal troops, they would be on them immediately. Yes. And they also noted the terrain around Harper's Ferry.

It's surrounded by mountains and rivers. And they would just be trapped and killed easily. Yeah. Well, John Brown, he got kind of annoyed that everyone was dunking on his awesome plan, Kristen. Yeah, yeah, that'll happen. And so he said, fine. I quit. No.

Yes, he resigned as commander-in-chief. Well, isn't he just open yourself up to some new ideas, man? No way. Honestly, this worked. Yeah. When he resigned. Again. My way or the dirt road, as it were.

Everyone thought very highly of John Brown, and he hadn't led them astray yet. He'd been pretty successful in his past, Escapades. And so everyone reluctantly agreed to put John Brown back in charge as commander-in-chief, and they went ahead with the plan. For these men, the cause was worth dying for. So many of them knew they were probably going to die doing this. Yeah. On August 19, 1859, John Brown called on an old friend to meet him in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania.

Frederick Douglas. Frederick Douglas arrived with Shields Green. What's that? He was a former enslaved man. I'm sorry. I thought Shields Green was a thing. I didn't realize it was a person. Frederick Douglas had a former enslaved man living with him named Shields Green.

And the three men met at an abandoned stone quarry in secrecy up in Chambersburg. and there John Brown revealed to Douglas his final plan to attack Harper's Ferry, just like what he had told his men earlier. Yeah. Frederick Douglass was shocked. Yeah. He was still under the impression that John Brown was just going to conduct those raids on enslavers and have his guerrilla army in the mountains.

Which would be effective. Frederick Douglass loved that plan. Yes. And then he learned he was going to, attack a federal armory and he begged John Brown, don't do this. Yeah. He told John Brown he was entering a steel trap. Yes.

Once in, he would never get out alive. Yeah. Frederick Douglass was also much more knowledgeable about the peculiar institution in the South as a former enslaved man. Right. John Brown had only experienced slavery near Ohio, in Kansas, in Missouri. And slavers in these areas were much less organized. They had way less invested in the practice.

The South was an entirely different beast. Mm-hmm. And pro-slavery forces would rally very quickly. Yes. And very violently. That's the organized group that's going to come together. They would rally very quickly and very violently if they felt the institution was being threatened. Yep.

John Brown ignored all of this. Why? And then he asked Frederick Douglass to join him. No, I'm not going on a suicide mission with you. He told Douglas, I want you for a special purpose. when I strike, the bees will begin to swarm. And I shall want you to help hive them. Frederick Douglass refused, because he knew he would surely die.

Yes. Also, you're not listening to me. That's classic John Brown, though. Well, that's, but what I'm saying is, like, you're a white guy, your heart is in the right place, but you've got a black man who's actually been through this shit, who knows what he's talking about because he lived that life. Yes. And he's telling you this is a bad idea, and here's why.

And you don't want to hear it. And not only do you not want to hear it, you want him to come join you and be under your leadership. Fuck no. And Frederick Douglass and John Brown were good friends. Yeah. And I think Douglas was legit concerned for his friend's life. Of course.

Even just that basic relationship there. Yeah. Frederick Douglass said, My discretion or my cowardice determined my course. Douglas would later feel like he was a coward for this act, for turning down John Brown. But look at what he did with his life. Of course. Now, at the same time, John Brown.

became a martyr. So there's something to be said for that too. Yes. Well, Douglas' companion Shields Green he kind of liked

what John Brown said and he said, I believe I'll go with the old man. So Shields Green joined John Brown's army that day. Okay.

Oh, geez. It was now late September of 1859. The attack on Harper's Ferry seemed imminent. Brown's men were getting restless. They were worried.

They would get figured out any day now. You know, Mrs. Huffmaster keeps coming over. Well, yeah. How long can you stay in that attic? It was time to get moving. Yeah. So John Brown sent Annie Brown and Martha back home to North Elbow, New York.

Martha was now pregnant from softening that bed. Sure. You know? That'll happen. I'm about to bust. Thank you. For a 15-year-old Annie, it was a sad departure. She had grown close to many of the men.

Yeah. And she found many of them quite handsome. I bet she did. Kristen, I don't want to go too far out on a limb. But as a historian, I do believe that Annie Brown may have enjoyed the sausage fest. What makes you say that? Just the way she wrote about her experiences there. Yeah.

She may have had her first lover at the Kennedy farm. Which dude? It's not clear who, but... Odds are his name was John. There's a good likelihood. Okay, so the ladies have gone home. John Kaggy, John Kaggy, still don't know. He was the guy second in command, the vegetarian that I respect the hell out of.

Sure. He believed the time to strike Harper's Ferry was the third week of October. Why? It was the perfect time. Well, here's why, Kristen. Number one, crops had been harvested and stored away. And so an army on the move could be fed easily. They could just go into a barn, take all the food, good to go.

Okay. Yeah. Another reason. It was late fall. And apparently enslaved people were, quote, discontented at this season more than at any other. So I guess... You've been worked so hard.

Inslave people were looking for something to do, so hey, why not join a guerrilla army fighting for our freedom? Yeah. They're done harvesting. And then finally, this is my favorite reason. It was the time of the autumn church revival. And so white people might be feeling just a little guilty about slavery. What's the autumn church revival?

I think it's just like a celebration of religion and people are attending church more and it was a thing. Okay. All those theologians out there. History, ho-work. Tell us about the autumn church revival. Are you going to give credit to Tiffany for coming up with you? Shout out to Tiffany, one of our patrons, our last episode, The History Ho-Work. She came up with that term, by the way.

Tiffany suggested we call it history ho work. And it was like, damn, why did we not think of that? She's smart. Thank you, Tiffany. Smarter than us. Our question was, when were milkshakes invented? And the answer is 1922 by a Walgreens employee. But some people said other things.

So we have to do our own history homework to figure out who's right. We kind of have to go over these answers. But we'll give Tiffany credit because, one, she came up with history homework, and two, she was the first to provide an answer. All right. So there you go, folks. If Walgreens really did invent the milkshake, they need to advertise the hell out of that. They really do. We invented the goddamn milkshake.

What more do you want? Free milkshake with your prescription. Forget about what we did with Theranos. Just think about the milkshake. On October 15th, 1859, John Brown went over the final plan with his 21-man army. So three men, including Owen Brown, who had the physical disability. Right. They would stay at the Kennedy farm and guard the weapons, and then they could bring them up to Harper's Ferry later if they needed them.

Okay. Handsome spy lover and husband, John Cook, he would go ahead of the group, and his job was to cut down telegraph lines. Oh. Okay. Buff Boy, sexy as hell, Aaron Stevens, and second-in-command John Kagee, their job was to seize the B&O Railroad Bridge. That was the bridge that ran across the Potomac River from Maryland into Harper's Ferry. I am just right now realizing that that was a real railroad and not just something for Monopoly. Okay, continue.

B&O Railroad. Uh-huh. Very good. The Federal Armory was directly on the... the banks of the Potomac River. And so once they crossed that railroad bridge, John Brown and his men could immediately seize the armory. Could they?

And then once they seized the armory, John Brown planned to send small parties of men to nearby plantations in the countryside. They were going to take the enslavers hostage. And they were also going to take all their enslaved people and they were going to arm them with the knives on the stick. Kansas butter knives. So that was the plan. Did any of these Kansas butter knives survive?

I bet these would be worth so much. Yeah. I hope so. I'd love to see one. Well, there were like 900 of them. 950 of them. Yeah, surely there's one in a museum somewhere. It's now the night of October 16th.

It's chilly. There's a slight drizzle of rain. Overcast, no moon. It's pitch black. at around 8 p.m. John Brown turned to his threatening boys, and he gave a short speech. You all know how dear life is to you and how dear your life is to your friends. Do not take the life of anyone if you can possibly avoid it. But if it is necessary to take life in order to save your own, then make sure work of it.

Men, get on your arms. we will proceed to the ferry. Wow. They headed toward Harper's Ferry with a wagon full of guns and Kansas butter knives. One man described the mood saying

they all felt like they were marching to their own funeral. Wow. John Brown's Holy War was about to begin. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion. Oh!

Maybe there might be four parts total. Who knows? Oh, my God. That's where I'm going to end it today, folks. I loved it. Thank you. I absolutely loved it. So next week, I will discuss the Harper's Ferry raid.

Okay. I'm so excited. I can't believe we have to wait a week. What a tease. You're just a little teasing boy. Calm down, history hoes. You are all over me in my Daisy Dukes and my thick thighs. I'm just a plump brunette podcaster.

Yeah. Just a maiden. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was a little worried because I had not gotten to the action yet. But I was like, I love this story of him trying to organize his army and training and all the sabotage and people threatening to expose his plan. It is fascinating to me that this happened. Yes. And how could I not talk about knife on a stick?

You had to. It had to be mentioned. That is one of the funniest things in the world. No, I'm so glad you're taking your time with this and like, you know, it's funny because this is obviously a new podcast, so we're figuring it out. Yeah. But I love, when we break it into parts, like first of all, hopefully people don't get overly fatigued. Because, I mean, if you tried to do this all in one episode, it would have been like, First of all, it wouldn't have been nearly as detailed, and it would have been like eight hours long.

But, like, being able to break it into parts incentivizes us to tackle bigger topics. Yeah, John Brown, I got to tell the whole damn story. I love it. It's so good. Yeah, next week's going to be action-packed. There's going to be explosions, Kristen. There's going to be damsels. There's going to be.

Will they be in distress or just be in damn? Damsles. I think you're going to love this next part. I really liked this part. Thank you. I had fun with it. Yeah. I tend to get really excited and have fun with the buildup.

And then when the violence starts, I'm like, bleh. You're going to be like a lot next week. I think so, yeah. I could not believe this was just a paragraph in my textbook. Yeah. I was like, this is insane. The whole story of John Brown is a paragraph.

Growing up, it was. was a paragraph in my textbook. But that's why I love doing these big old beefy, meaty boys, is because I take that little paragraph and I'm explaining. You add water and it expands. Add water and milk. It's like those little foam dinosaurs. Remember those back in the day?

You didn't add milk. No, you had it just water. Yeah. Just spread pig butter. That thing will grow 50 times its size. All you need is a little pig butter. I really liked that pig butter joke. I did too. I did too. And yet no one's interested in buying any of it from us. So, God damn.

We'll get that $25 tier. Well, should we wrap it up? I think we should. You know what they say about history hoes, Norm? We always cite our sources. That's right. For this episode, I got my information from Midnight Rising by Tony Horwitz and To Purge This Land with Blood by Steve. God damn. That's all for this episode. Thank you for listening to an old-timey podcast. Please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to podcast. And until next time, To-Doo-D-Dat-Ta and Chibrio. And yes, really, please do give us a five-star review. And if you hated this, don't tell anybody you. Please do because we have a public feed now. Yeah, we have an RSS feed. We're off on our own. We're like little baby Bambies just stumbling. Humbling along, help us out. How did we not talk about this early?

Well, you know. We're still winging it here, folks. Thank you for listening. See you next time.