An Old Timey Podcast - 44: Robert Smalls Fights For Equality (Part 3)

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

After the American Civil War, Robert Smalls navigated the complicated waters of Reconstruction. Black people struggled for basic rights against the White planter class, who refused to accept the end of slavery. In this difficult time, Robert Smalls rose to the occasion and became a leader in his community. He fought for public education, equality, suffrage, and protection against violent terrorist groups. But accusations of corruption and bribery threatened to dismantle progress. Remember, kids, history hoes always cite their sources! For this episode, Norm pulled from: Lineberry, Cate. Be Free or Die: The Amazing Story of Robert Smalls’ Escape from Slavery to Union Hero. St. Martin’s Press, 2017.Miller Jr., Edward. Gullah Statesman: Robert Smalls from Slavery to Congress, 1839-1915. University of South Carolina Press, 2008.Are you enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Then please leave us a 5-star rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts!Are you *really* enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Well, calm down, history ho! You can get more of us on Patreon at patreon.com/oldtimeypodcast. At the $5 level, you’ll get a monthly bonus episode (with video!), access to our 90’s style chat room, plus the entire back catalog of bonus episodes from Kristin’s previous podcast, Let’s Go To Court.

Hear ye, hear ye. You are listening to an old-timey podcast. I'm Norman Caruso. And I think I am ready to rumble. It's Kristen Caruso. Let's get ready to rumble! Because it's part three of my series on Robert Smalls. Woo! I am excited. I had a piece of beef jerky just to prepare myself. Yeah, it was very pungent. I could smell it when you walked in. Well, I needed the protein. I'll tell you something about eating beef jerky.

The other day I went to the gym, and it was kind of crowded because I went at like 515, like a chump. Yeah. You know, one of those, like, you can't necessarily get too far away from anybody on a treadmill. And on my run, I burped twice. Oh, beef jerky burps are pungent. I should have been locked up. The spices that were wafted in through that gym that day. The organic black pepper, the organic salt, the garlic powder, all the natural flavors.

Plus, everyone's booty juices, just all... Booty juices? Well, yeah, in the gym. In your burp? Are you eating ass? No, I'm talking about the general scent of the gym. I contributed negatively to it, is what I'm saying. Okay, okay. I thought you were still talking about your burp.

Your burp was smelling like people's ass. I can tell you with almost complete confidence that there was no booty juice that came out of that burp. It was all beef jerky. 100% all natural. I just got to check, you know. Okay. Got to make sure you're not cheating on me because, you know, I don't want you to do that. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I prefer you not cheat on me. We should have, we should have had this discussion years ago. All right. I'm glad we're having it now. Oh, boy. And I'm glad we're having it on the podcast. Kristen, do you have a Patreon plug for us? I do.

Folks, if you want to support this small, independent, sexy podcast, if you want to keep us rolling in beef jerky, then you know what to do. Head on over to patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. At the $5 level, you'll get a monthly bonus episode. And oh, what's that? It's a video episode. So you get to watch us tell you the story. What could be more thrilling?

Nothing. Nothing I tell you. And also at that level, you get to get into the Discord. Hang on, I have to interrupt you. Did you not write down a Patreon plug? Again, is this the third week in a row? I don't need to write down what I have in my noggin, okay? It's up there, baby.

Go ahead. Well, you are so, you are so disappointed. You're just a little rule follower, aren't you? No, I'm just saying. Anyway, at that level, you also get into the Discord to have conversations with us. Do you want to talk to Norm? Probably not, because he's probably going to want you to talk to him via some script that's predetermined.

No ad-lib conversations in there. Anyhow, if you want to feel real. I mean, you have to type everything in Discord, so technically you are writing a script. I really hate being corrected, especially when I'm wrong. And at the $10 level, that's the pig butter investment. level, okay? That's for the fancy folk. And that's where you get the two things I just mentioned. Plus, you get access to the monthly trivia party, and that's a good time. Yeah, that's at the $7 level, too. Listen, I'm just doing the two levels because, you know, people don't have time, okay? Some of us aren't

going off a script. We're going off what's in our hearts, okay? Listen to your heart, donate to our Patreon. Listen to your heart. You'll get a card and stickers. It'll be autographed by us. And you'll also get app-free early episodes, and there'll be videos. And I'm pretty sure that's the end of the list. No, it's not 10% off merch. Oh.

There you go. I hope you're happy. I saved the plug. Okay. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Thank you. This is why recruitment for the Norm Troopers is skyrocketing right now.

No, no one wants to be part of the Norm Troopers. They've heard there's a lot of rules and a lot of scripts they have to follow. It's boring over there. People need to join the Night Guard. I forgot the name of my organization. It's pure chaos in Kristen's Nightgarde. There are no rules. You can do whatever you want.

You can say whatever you want. And bring as many beverages as you need. If it's three, fine. It's three. The Norm Troopers prefer to live in a society. Okay. And now it's time. for an ad. Doodoo! This episode of an old-timey podcast is brought to you by Alloy Women's

Health. Menopause is inevitable, but it's also treatable. I just found out that almost half of women went more than three years before seeking relief from menopause or perimenopausal symptoms. Why would we do that to ourselves? Alloy can help you to live your best, healthiest life through menopause and beyond, offering unlimited access to experts and safe, science, science-backed treatments for your symptoms, skin, hair, and sexual wellness, get this, delivered to your door. Everything is done online from the comfort of your home, or really anywhere, and there's no waiting for an appointment or in line at the pharmacy. Here's how it works. Alloy solutions are available by prescription, so you'll need to complete a short medical questionnaire and patient verification. Then you'll work with a menopause trained physician to finalize a personalized treatment plan tailored to your

specific needs. Once it's approved, Alloy ships your prescription directly to your door with automatic refills. How awesome is that? There's no need to suffer, folks. I can tell you from personal experience that if you're experiencing symptoms that are making life a little uncomfy, it's always better to get yourself checked out and get the help you need. I cannot recommend Alloy enough. Join the 95% of women who tried Alloy and saw relief in the first two weeks. Head to myalloy.com slash OTP and tell them all about your symptoms and you'll get a fully customized treatment plan and you'll get $20 off your first order today. Head to M-Y-A-L-L-O-Y dot com and enter code OTP to get $20 off your first order. And now we're done with the ad.

Doodoo. Kristen. Yes. Are you ready for part three of my series on Robert Smalls? No, hang on Okay, now What did you have to do over there? I just had to really mentally prepare myself Oh, wow No, I am excited

This is fascinating, Norm We're about to get into some nitty, gritty stuff, okay Oh, are you telling us this is going to be the boring episode? Oh, nothing is boring on an old-timey podcast Oh, okay, good And don't worry, I will save the boring stuff with some wonderful sound bites and incredible humor on our part.

Oh, very good. Okay. Okay. But before we dive into part three, let's recap, part two. We learned that an enslaved man named Robert Smalls and 16 other enslaved people secured their freedom by stealing a Confederate boat and sneaking it out of Charleston, South Carolina. Union commanders were impressed. Not only had Robert Smalls given them a new boat for the Navy, but he also provided valuable intelligence on Confederate

defenses around Charleston. The United States Navy could use more brave, sexy men like Robert Smalls. Oh, his sexiness was not a factor. We don't know. We'll never know. Okay, fair enough. So the Navy gave him a job as a pilot. Robert became the pilot of the very boat he stole, the planter. He helped move supplies and troops along the shores of South Carolina. He fought in the Battle of Charleston. In total, Robert Smalls took part in 17 combat operations. And his skills led him to being promoted to captain, a very rare rank for a formerly enslaved man. But Robert Smalls didn't just prove his worth on the battlefield. He also helped other newly freed people in his hometown of Beaufort, South Carolina.

The government was setting up camps for formerly enslaved people and providing food, shelter, work, medicine, and education. This was a big undertaking, and they needed resources to make it happen. So Robert Smalls went to Washington, D.C. and helped convince government leaders to enlist black men into the U.S. Army. He went on speaking tours in New York City and Philadelphia to raise money. He opened his own general store in Beaufort to sell basic necessities at affordable prices. With his captain's salary and profit from his business ventures, Robert Smalls did well for himself and his family. In fact, he was able to save up enough money to pull off one of the greatest spite moves of all times.

he purchased his former enslaver's home in Beaufort, South Carolina. That same year, 1864, the American Civil War was winding down. The end of slavery was near. And soon, Robert Smalls and his family would have to navigate through the difficult post-Civil War era known as Reconstruction. And that is what we will talk about today. Woo, okay. I'm not excited. I'll tell you that.

Oh, reconstruction, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, woo. I've heard that's not so great. Yeah, it didn't go too well. Let's talk about it. Okay. So when we last left off, Robert Smalls had just purchased his former enslaver's home at 511 Prince Street in beautiful Beaufort, South Carolina.

And just as he and Hannah were deciding if they wanted to add an open concept kitchen or maybe in an above ground swimming pool. Sure. Robert had to take off again. Personally, I'd go with the pool. Sure. It's hot down there, you know. Plus, an above ground trampoline right next to the above ground pool. Think of the possibilities.

Do some sick jumps into the pool. And if you've got an emergency room nearby, all the better. Me and my friends did that. My buddy had a in-ground pool. But, yeah, he had a trampoline next to it, so we would definitely jump from the trampoline into the pool. It was fun. That's pure chaos. Yeah, I'm surprised no one got hurt.

We also, one time we played tackle football without pads. Uh-huh. And my buddy broke his collarbone. Oh, well, there we go. Yeah, we did a lot of stupid stuff. Anyway, Robert had to take off because his ship, the planter, needed some serious repairs. And as the captain of the ship, Robert was in charge of making that happen. So in May of 1864, Robert Smalls headed for the Navy Yard.

in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the city of brotherly love, and home of your Super Bowl 59 champions, the Philadelphia Eagles. Norm, too soon. Yeah, if you were rooting for Kansas City during that game, that was the most, that was the cringiest football game you could ever watch. Not a single moment was fun. For real, I don't think there was a single moment during that game where I was like, yeah. Maybe the, okay, so the first,

offensive play of the game for Kansas City. It was like a nine-yard pass. That was the high point, if you were a Kansas City fan. It was all downhill from there. We've talked about football as much as we possibly can. Oh, can you not go on? Is that too much football for you? Well, you know, some folks might know that I only recently learned that the reason football games take so long is because the entire team is not out there at all times. Yes, there is an offense and a defense. I knew there was an offense and a defense, I just assumed all those fellas were out there together and that they all had a plan. Yeah. Anyhow. We're going to work together and win this game. I remember telling that story to a flight attendant once, thinking she would find that charming. She did not. She looked at me like, good God, get help, dumbass. Yeah. And then when she went to the back of the plane behind the curtain, she was like, check out the idiot sitting in 27B. She is second. She is second. Of course she is, yeah. That's how she gets away with being so dumb.

Okay. So Robert Smalls arrived at the Navy Yard in Philadelphia, and he got the estimate for the repairs to the planter. $40,500. Good God. Adjusted for inflation, about $800,000. Now, don't worry. It did take a beating, didn't it? I mean... Yeah, and don't worry, Robert Smalls doesn't have to pay for this. The Navy pays for it. We know.

But I think it's interesting because, you know, two years earlier, the Navy had appraised the planter for $9,000. So you're telling me the repairs are going to cost four times as much as the boat. Seems like a bad investment. What would your father say if you told him you repaired your car and it cost four times what the car was worth? Oh, well, first of all, we wouldn't have time to do this. podcast because I'd still be receiving a lecture from him. Yeah. And if we made it even more literal and I said, dad, my boat needs $40,000 in repairs, first

of all, we'd have a lengthy conversation about my decision to buy a boat. In Kansas City. Sure, sure, but anywhere. And then it would go on to the repairs. Chrissy, here's. Here's a deal. Here's a deal. That's our impression of.

Christian's father. Future guest on this show. It's true. It is happening. It is on the schedule. Stay tuned. Okay. So those repairs to the planter we're going to take a while.

So Robert Smalls got to spend some time hanging out in Philly. Unfortunately, his visit didn't start off very well. One day, Robert and a few other members of his crew hopped onto a streetcar. And the conductor came up to Robert and said, uh, we don't allow men of your color to sit in the cars. City of brotherly love, eh? Robert Smalls did not argue.

He said, I will not disobey the law. I will leave. Now, in a show of solidarity, his white crew followed him off the streetcar. All right. Now, news of this incident spread like wildfire. How could the city of Philadelphia treat a war hero like that? So black men can enlist to fight and die for the country, but they aren't allowed to ride on the streetcar. This incident sparked protest and potentially.

to end streetcar segregation. And two years later, Philadelphia officially desegregated their streetcars. Wow. All started with Robert Smalls getting kicked off the streetcars. And this happened during the Civil War? Yeah. Just goes to show how easily overwhelmed I am. Because I'm like, well, you can't do them both at the same time.

Do what at the same time? Walk and chew gum? Yeah, basically. You know, to me it's like, let's tackle one. thing at a time. Let's make sure it gets done. This Civil War thing, let's wrap this, the fudge up, and then we'll move on to the street cars, one at a time. Yeah, Lincoln's like, folks, I got a checklist, and I do it one at a time. First, we're going to abolish slavery. So in the meantime, sorry. First, I'm going to finish this piece of beef jerky. Then I'm going to go sit on the toilet for an hour.

No. Don't jinx me. Don't jinx me. We record for a long time. I can't take a toilet break? You can take a toilet break. Well. We allow potty breaks here at an old-timey podcast. We're not Amazon. Might interrupt the flow of this podcast. Oh, Kristen.

Folks, folks, that was a very hilarious poo joke. Yeah, we got it. No, it was kind of sophisticated. I think it went over some folks' heads, so I just had to spell it out. Okay. Well, thank you for doing that. We do have a lot of idiots listening to the podcast. I was trying to make a point.

point that my humor is just so high quality. There it is, Kristen's Nightgarde, insulting the listeners. Okay. While Robert Smalls faced discrimination in Philadelphia, back home, he was being honored. The Beaufort County Republicans were sending 16 delegates to the Republican National Convention to choose a nominee for president. And they had selected Robert Smalls as one of those delegates. He would be one of four black men to serve as a delegate.

the very first in United States history. That is wild. Yeah. Unfortunately, Robert Smalls could not attend the Republican National Convention. I know why. Because he was in Philadelphia. Busy with a streetcar thing. You've got to take things one at a time.

This is what I'm talking about. You're right, Kristen. Very good. I was trying to come up with a streetcar named Desire joke, but decided that's too much. Too far. Sure. Well, it's not like there were any big surprises at the convention. Spoiler alert, they chose Abraham Lincoln as their nominee.

Fun fact. Wow. Wow. During this time, the Republicans had actually rebranded temporarily as the National Union Party. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah. It was an alliance of Republicans and war Democrats. What's a war Democrat?

A Democrat who supported the war. Okay. It's literally what it says. So yeah, Lincoln was the nominee. However, there was a new vice president on the ticket. It's the former senator and governor of Tennessee, Andrew Johnson. Oh, brother, this guy stinks! That's going to be real bad if you get shot, Lincoln.

History hoes, I cannot stress enough how much I hate this man. Stay tuned for my series on him, which I have already started working on, by the way. God, I want you to fucking, I'm trying not to curse as much. I'm trying to be a classy lady. Yeah, trying to be a more family-friendly podcast. Well, not necessarily, but just a classier person in general. I want you to roast these friggin bad presidents. I don't know much about them, but I'm ready to hate them.

Andrew Johnson, your brother smells like doo-doo. You know, you want me to roast them like that? Yeah, it's nothing about their policies. It's nothing about what they did. It's just like, oh, you're ugly, you smell bad. You've got bad fashion. Yeah, check out that hair line. Damn.

Okay, Andrew Johnson was not just a war Democrat. He was a Southern War Democrat. And the Republican, I mean, the National Union Party hoped that this presidential ticket would have mass appeal and ensure unity so the war could be finished. Spoiler alert, that plan worked. Lincoln easily won the election of 1864. Okay. May I pause you and ask you a question? You may.

Obviously, the most important thing is getting Abraham Lincoln reelected. It really sucks booty that he chose Andrew Johnson. We call it sucks booty cheeks. So do you think he would have won if he'd picked someone a little more to the middle? Okay. This is interesting. So they chose Andrew Johnson because he was a Southern War Democrat. They felt like they had to appeal.

Yeah, they had to appeal to the douchebags. But the reason they had to do that was because they felt like the war wasn't going very well. And so they chose Andrew Johnson. But before the election, the union secured some pretty major victories. So like William Sherman took Atlanta and the support for the war like shifted dramatically after that. Because people were like, oh, we're going to win this war. No problem. And so it was kind of like too little too late.

We already selected Andrew Johnson. Sure, sure. It's not wise to change things up too late in the game in a presidential election. I have learned. Ooh, too soon, Kristen. Sorry, sorry. And I don't even know if you could do that. I guess Andrew Johnson could have resigned.

Yeah, no, no. I mean, like when Abraham Lincoln made the choice. I was just wondering if he had chosen someone else. Well, back then it wasn't up to him. back then the party chose the vice president oh gross okay i got you yeah you know actually i shouldn't say gross that's not necessarily that bad anyhow continue thank you it led to some interesting administrations yeah i i've always i've always wondered in like modern times if we kind of still did it that way to where like remember back in the day the winner of the election was the president and then

the loser was the vice president yeah yeah so yeah it's donald trump was the president and our vice president was Kamala Harris. Oh my God. That'd be ridiculous. What it would be like. I could see how it might force the two parties to work together a little better, but it would be wild stuff. No, I can see the logic in it. But I can also see how it would really be a better sitcom than a real life thing.

So we'll need a live stuff. studio audience as the president works. Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool. The United States government was filmed in front of a live studio audience. Okay, so Lincoln easily wins the election of 1864. Let's get back to Robert Smalls. He's in Philadelphia. He continues to publicly speak about his exploits of stealing the planter. And after the streetcar incident, Robert Smalls became well connected with the city's black leaders and abolitionists. And at a dinner party one evening, Robert Smalls met a man named Octavius Cato. Maybe that's Cato.

He was a leader in the black community in Philadelphia. Cato was actually a native of Charleston. So he and Smalls had a lot to talk about. They got along pretty well. Cato was pretty impressed by Robert Small's story. But Cato was particularly impressed by the fact that Robert Smalls had accomplished so much without knowing how to read or write.

What the hell are you talking about? He didn't know how to read or write? He did not. I just assumed he did. Wow. Well, Cato was ready to change that. So while the planter underwent repairs, Octavius Cato regularly met up with Robert Smalls

and taught him how to read and write. This was a big deal for anyone who had been enslaved, and this act would help guide Robert Smalls to the next big chapter in his life. More on that later. So by December of 1864, repairs to the plan were finally complete, and Robert Small's return to Beaufort, South Carolina, and a lot had happened while he was gone. The Union Army had made significant headway in the South,

thanks to Union General William Tecumseh Sherman and his march to the sea. General Sherman enacted a scorched earth policy, as he worked his way through Georgia and South Carolina. Southerners were appalled by what he was doing. General Sherman replied, war is the remedy that our enemies have chosen, and I say, let us give them all they want. Oh, shit. Yeah, he was an interesting fella. Bad ass move.

What do you think of that? That's tough. It is. I mean. Key did some serious damage to the South, but man, it really changed the tide of the war, I think. Well, yeah, it's demoralizing. Extremely demoralizing.

and the Confederacy, like, as Sherman is destroying these things, the Confederacy doesn't have the resources to, like, build stuff back. Sure. And that's just, like, really detrimental to the war effort. I think he needed to do it, though. You mean detrimental to the Confederacy's war effort? Yes. Yeah.

Yes, let me clarify. I support the union in that war. So, yeah, William Tecumseh Sherman. Future topic? I think so. Okay. Honestly, I think I would, if somebody was like, hey, do you want to host an American Civil War podcast, I would be all about it. Do you want to do it?

You and me? Honestly, I probably would be interested. Really? Well, I wrote that as a joke. If all I have to do is listen and I can take breaks. I just tell you about the American Civil War. Yeah, I don't want to have to research it. What if I did like a day by day?

Oh, pass. Oh, gosh. Norm, I'm so busy right now. I'm so busy. The beef jerky went bad on me. I'm going to need a week off. Oh, man, that jerky was real bad. Uh-huh.

And then I find out that you just saved the recording sessions until I felt better. Kristen, I brought the mic into the bathroom. We're just going to record this episode. So as General Sherman and his army worked their way through the South, they freed enslaved people along the way. And many of them made their way to the kids. camps at Port Royal. That place was busier than ever. Black men, women, and children were eager to start a new free life. And then there was Charleston. That damn Charleston. It was still in

Confederate hands. But not for long. By February of 1865, Confederate generals ordered troops to abandon the city. It was still under siege by the United States Army, and any remaining troops still in the city were cut off from any help. There was really no point in occupying the city anymore. As they left Charleston, Confederate troops burned supplies, blew up their own ships, disarmed their cannons, anything that could possibly be used was destroyed. And the day after the Confederates left, U.S. troops entered the city, and they were led by the 21st U.S. colored troops. Sweet, sweet justice. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S. A. As U.S. troops marched through the city, they were greeted with roaring cheers from enslaved people who had been left behind.

Apparently their enslavers were like, okay, we're laven, but please defend our property while we're gone. Uh-huh. Yeah, the free labor stops here, bitches. The buck stops here. Yeah, great plan. So, yeah, those enslaved residents of Charleston were finally free. Just imagine if Robert Smalls had not escaped in 1862. He wouldn't have been able to see freedom until 1865.

The Confederacy held on to Charleston for the entire war. Yeah. And there'd be no guarantee that his family would even still be together. Yeah. Two months later, in April of 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee finally surrendered his Army of Northern Virginia. And with that, it was time to celebrate. The United States held a ceremony right where the war began in the harbors of Charleston at Fort Sumter. It's Fort Sumter Live!

Starring, abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison. Supreme Court Justice Noah Swain. Reverend Henry Ward Beecher. Oh! And special guest, Robert Fucking Small. Musical guest, Shania Twain. No. That's right, Robert Smalls loaded up the planter with newly freed men, women, and children, and attended the Fort Sumter End of War Extravaganza.

After several speeches from distinguished guests, Union officers raised the original, tattered U.S. flag that had been taken down four years earlier. Hell yeah. Hey, we actually saw that flag on our trip to church. Charleston, Kristen. Yes. I remember. That's all you have to say. No, I'm thinking about how I remember that I really wanted that picture of you pretending

like that cannon at Fort Sumter was your penis, but you were too afraid to really pose and really embrace the moment because you were being looked at by a park ranger. I realize I brought this up on our last episode, but I think it bears repeating. Don't you agree? I think your disappointment is immeasurable. So you have to bring it up again. While once that flag reached the top of the pole, 100 cannons fired off in celebration. A thunderous cheer erupted from the crowd.

The American Civil War was finally over. With it came home. The 13th Amendment, which officially abolished slavery, had passed in Congress. President Abraham Lincoln was eager to begin reconstruction. He wanted to quickly bring the southern states that had seceded back into the fold and start rebuilding a unified nation. Right. But at the same time, Lincoln wanted to ensure that 4 million newly freed people had basic rights and protections, including the right to vote.

Well, for men to vote. Sure. Sorry, ladies. You'd hate for women to get in there and mess it all up. Be a damn shame. That night after the flag-raising ceremony, Robert Smalls felt a sense of pride. He had fought so hard for this moment. And now it was finally here.

But Kristen, literally, that same night on April 14, 1865, actor John Wilkes Booth assassinated President Abraham Lincoln. Oh, I didn't realize it was the same night as this celebration. There were celebrations going on all across the country, and that was the one that Robert Smalls was at. But yeah, that same night, Lincoln was assassinated. and in his place stepped one of our worst presidents ever, Andrew fucking Johnson. Hey, not so fun fact. Oh, no, my brains.

The Lincoln assassination plot also involved killing Andrew Johnson. Ugh, why didn't they finish the plan? But the man in charge of killing him, George Azarot, chickened out at the last minute. Was he the guy who got super drunk and just like went? home? Yes. And boy, you gotta wonder what our country would look like today if Johnson had also been killed in that assassination plot. Because then the Speaker of the House would have become president. And that was a guy named Skyler Colfax. And he was a hardcore abolitionist. In fact,

he was one of the main Republicans in charge of getting the 13th Amendment to pass. Skyler Colfax probably would have carried out Lincoln's reconstruction plan as intended. Actually, he probably would have been even more radical than Lincoln. God damn. It would have been a big-ass middle finger right up John Wilkes Booth's stupid ass. But twas not to be, Kristen. The new president of the United States was Taylor extraordinaire Andrew Johnson. Taylor extraordinaire?

He was a very talented tailor. was where he, you know. So if you wanted pockets put into your dress, he was your man. If you wanted freedom, not so much. He was for very, very, very limited freedom for black people. Wow. As we'll come to find out. Believe it or not, Kristen, initial thoughts on Andrew Johnson were curious.

Hmm. He actually had a reputation for being pretty hard. harsh on the Confederacy. He said, quote, traitors must be punished and treason made odious. So yeah, some people were like, yeah, this guy might be more radical than the Republicans. And the Republicans responded, I say radical. That's my thing that I say. Of course, other people were like, dude, this guy is from Tennessee. He is going to go so easy on the South. So, how would Andrew Johnson deal with Reconstructuring?

Let me tell you, Kristen, in all you history hos. So first he made a proclamation that any former confederates who took an oath pledge would get back all of their property, except any enslaved people, of course. However, if that Southerner owned more than $20,000 worth of property or was a high-ranking Confederate official, they would have to get a pardon from Andrew Johnson himself. Why would they get a pardon? What do you mean? Under what circumstances would you be pardoned for trying to break up the United States? Well, believe it or not, that was the initial plan for reconstruction was to reunify the nation. Heal from its wounds.

Well, I understand you've got to reunify. You've got to heal the wounds. And I think, like, what you're saying about, like, okay, Confederate dudes who fought in the Confederacy, low-level guys who don't own shit. Not the top brass. Yeah, they own a van and they really want to get back to their van. Sure, give them their van. What's the 1860s equivalent of a van, Kristen?

It's a shitty carriage, but this guy loves his shitty car. Or like a rowboat. Yeah, I don't know, sure. But like, canoe. High-ranking officials who were leading this, why would they get a pardon? Fair enough. And it's fair to wonder, Abraham Lincoln may not have pardoned them. But just there was the opportunity.

Mm-hmm. Okay, you know what? All right, all right. They have to get a pardon. You know what? You dangle the carrot? Mm-hmm. Or let's sweeten the deal.

You dangle the Swiss roll. Ooh. And hopefully everyone behaves a little better. Right now I would want someone to dangle a little Debbie honey bun. I want someone to dangle frozen custard in front of me. I think craving frozen custard. custard for like three weeks now. And for some reason I blame you for me not having it.

I don't know why. What the fuck is that about? I have no idea why. We were driving home the other night and I said, do you want to stop me get custard? And you're like, oh, no, no, I'm fine. Yeah, I was being coy and adorable. I was hoping you would screech. Well, I'm not going to listen to you at all.

Let's go get custard. Okay. So, if you were little stanky Confederate boy and you were a little stanky Confederate boy and you You didn't own a lot of property. You took an oath pledge and you were fine. If you were high ranking or you owned a lot of property, $20,000 and more, you had to get a pardon from Johnson. So Andrew Johnson is basically like, kiss the rings, bitch. Sure.

You know, he grew up as a very poor Southerner. And so he probably saw this whole thing as like, yeah, who's in charge now? He had a grudge against the planter class elite of the South. Now, on the surface, this proclamation seems not bad. It was pretty much in line with what Lincoln wanted. But here's the problem, Kristen. Andrew Johnson pardoned anyone and everyone. He didn't care.

He was giving up to 100 pardons a day. It really did not take much for ex-Confederates to come back and gain power. Andrew Johnson's second proclamation, he was going to appoint provisional governors in the South, and have them set up constitutional conventions. They were going to write new constitutions for the states. Hmm. Seems like a great time to set up basic human rights for those newly freed black people, right? You'd think so.

No, wrong, Kristen. President Andrew Johnson appointed some pretty terrible people as provisional governors. Robert Smalls was horrified to learn that South Carolina's provisional governor was Benjamin F. Perry. Benjamin F. Perry once stated that Africans were, quote, created inferior to the white man in form, color, and intellect, and no legislation or culture can make him his equal. Wow. Yep, that was his new governor.

Unfortunately, there wasn't much... Kind of weird to say inferior color, too. Like, come on. Yeah, well, whites are way better color than black. I know I'm picking a weird thing, but that's just like you're trying to list everything now. Also, see how I'm kind of translucent, and you can see my veins through my skin and all my freckles?

Yeah, that's better than what you got. It's way better. See this new jacket from Old Navy? Looks way better on me than me. Unfortunately, there wasn't much Robert Smalls could do about it. Not only was he in no position to stop it, but he had come down with malaria. Oh. He would be bedridden in Beaufort for months.

And as his wife Hannah took care of him, he kept up on the news about what was happening in South Carolina. And it wasn't great, Kristen. Provisional governor, Benjamin Perry, declared that the only people who could vote in South Carolina were people who were eligible to vote before the Civil War. Oh, so basically nothing's changed. Basically, in other words, black people would have zero input on this new state constitution and government. And you're not going to believe this, Kristen. This new state government quickly passed a series of laws called the Black Codes. These were laws written specifically for black people.

Would you like to hear a few of them? No. Well, too fucking bad. Black people can't have a job outside of agriculture or domestic work unless they pay an annual tax. Shut up. I will not shut up. Oh. That is true.

Black people can't marry white people. Black people can't own guns. Black people can't join the militia. In work contracts, black people were deemed servants, while the employer was the master. Okay. And for punishment, black people could be hired out to the victim for free labor. I don't understand. Okay.

So basically, okay, so I've got a farm. I want someone to work on it for free. So I say, Ouch! Ouch, help, help! That black man hit me. Oh, yeah, him right there. Yeah, he hit me. And then I get him as a slave, right? Like, that's how that works. If he was found guilty of hitting you, which of course he probably would have been because black people weren't allowed to serve on juries. Right. Yes, he would be given to you for free labor for a set amount of time. That's outrageous. The South was literally doing whatever they could to keep slavery around. This was shaving up to be the worst sequel of all time, Kristen. It's slavery too, back in the habit.

Some Union commanders tried to intervene. President Andrew Johnson had them removed. Oh. In New Orleans, Louisiana, 37 black protesters were killed. In Memphis, Tennessee, 46 black people were massacred over rising political tensions. President Andrew Johnson looked the other way. Wow. And Kristen, you might be wondering, how is Andrew Johnson just allowed to do this?

Where the fuck is Congress? Which had a majority Republican seats, right? Mm-hmm. Well, Congress wasn't in session. Well, what the hell were they doing? They're at home. Get back to work! Congressional sessions back then were so short.

Well, they certainly put in the work, didn't they? Mm-hmm. How hard do they work these days? because that's one of those positions where people are in Congress forever. And I would really think if the job was that hard. Well, you know, Congress is now filmed in front of a live studio audience, so maybe we can take a look. It's the House of Representatives, starring Marjorie Taylor Green. Oh, my God.

Hang on, I got it. No, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. We're moving on. So, yeah, Congress wasn't in session. so President Andrew Johnson could basically do whatever he wanted. There was some hope, though. Because before Abraham Lincoln was killed, he had created the Freedmen's Bureau.

The Freedmen's Bureau was established to help former enslaved people in the South. That Port Royal experiment that we talked about in the last episode, that had served as the blueprint for the Friedman's Bureau. They issued food and clothing. They set up hospitals and refugee camps. They oversaw contracts to make sure people weren't getting screwed. didily ued. They helped establish schools. They legalized marriages from slavery. They helped reunite enslaved families that had been torn apart.

And perhaps one of their most important jobs was land distribution. During the Civil War, the Union Army had confiscated 400,000 acres of land from Charleston all the way down to Jacksonville, Florida. That was part of Sherman's March to the Sea. And the plan was to divide up that land into 40, acre plots and give them to formerly enslaved people. Fun fact, Kristen, Director Spike Lee's Production Company is called 40 Acres in a Mule Productions. Yeah.

That's where he gets it from. Well, white residents returned home from the war, and they were simply horrified by what they saw, Kristen, black people living on their land. One man wrote, the town is not fit for a white lady to stay in. Oh, shut up. So the white planter class cried out, Oh, Daddy Johnson, please help us Daddy. Ew. And wouldn't you know it?

President Andrew Johnson ordered the Friedman's Bureau to rescind the 40 Acres promise. White planters returned to their property. Many black residents returned to the land where they had been enslaved and worked for little pay and zero protection, same as it ever was. Can you imagine how did. different America would be today if Lincoln hadn't been killed. Oh, it was a huge turning point in our country's history. Yeah. Incredible turning point.

Like if formerly enslaved people had actually gotten something. Mm-hmm. Not even a lot, just something. Yeah. And the douchebags who led this whole charge, if they'd actually faced some kind of punishment, it'd be totally different. You do wonder.

It's kind of sad to think about, honestly. Kind of. It's terrible. The failure of reconstruction to me is like, I was about to say it's the saddest thing in American history. Probably slavery is worse. But the failure of reconstruction. It's just a huge disappointment. Yeah.

It sucks that like during the Civil War, Lincoln and the other Republicans saw that moment. And they're like, this is our moment. Yeah. This is when we can abolish slavery and we can like bring equality to all. And they had this plan to do it. And they had the timing. Like you had to do it then. Yes.

It's like in the Lincoln movie, he has this great line. I don't know if he actually said this, but he goes, blood has been shed to afford us this moment. Now, now, now. So like Lincoln knew we have to take advantage of this. Yes. And just like winning the Civil War was when you do it. And unfortunately, yeah, his assassination was detrimental. But I'm going to get to this, but, you know, Congress did their best.

Okay. Okay. Sounds like they were sitting on their asses drinking lemonade or something. Well, hang on. Hang on. Okay, okay, fine. So any white southerner who had taken the loyalty oath and was pardoned was eligible to get their property back. No, don't say that.

What? Listen, Norm. Yes. This is not the first house we have owned. Okay. So let's think back. The house we sold. Okay. If we went back there right now and we were like, hey, we're taking it back. Yeah.

The current owners and the U.S. government and literally everyone everywhere would be like, you can't take something back that does not belong to you. Those fuckers fled. That's not a fair. That's not a fair comparison. Yes, it is. No. No. No. They fled. They fled. They took off, abandoned it. Right.

So their argument is the U.S. government has illegally confiscated my land. No, it can't happen. Let me continue my story, okay? I know you're fired up right now. Okay. But that is what is happening. Any white Southerner who had taken the loyalty oath and was pardoned was eligible to get their property back. Their old property back.

Is that better? Their former property. The property that they abandoned. Lost and found. Yes. They're eligible to go to the lost and found. Yes. And first you have to describe your shitty property and then someone who's kind of got a bad attitude is like, maybe going to search for it.

Take a number. Uh-huh. So one of those white southerners was John Ferguson, the original owner of the planter boat. In his request, he asked that his beloved boat to be returned to him. The planter was currently being used by the freedman's bureau. and it was still being captained by Robert Smalls. The press picked up on the story. One newspaper compared it to a burglar who had been acquitted because of lack of evidence,

asking for his lock-picking tools back. John Ferguson declared, boy, I sure do miss my boat. That was stolen from me for no reason whatsoever. It was just an innocent boat doing civilian work, nothing nefarious. I think I deserve to have my boat back. Just a civilian boat? Didn't have cannons on it? Well, the Freedmen's Bureau officials replied,

You're a liar? I don't believe you. And they were right, Kristen, because as we learned in part one of the series, John Ferguson had been leasing the planter to the Confederates for $125 a day. Adjusted for inflation, $4,500. Yeah, he's acting like this is his favorite pontoon boat, and he just can't wait to get out on the Lake of the Ozarks and toodle around. Bullshit, dude.

Take my family fishing every weekend. So that meant that the planter was classified as an enemy vessel. So John Ferguson was not entitled to get the planter back. John Ferguson was pardoned by Andrew Johnson, but his request for the planter was denied. Wow. Now, while we're on this subject, I'm sure many of you fine hoes out there are asking,

hey, what about Robert Small's house? Did he have to give that up? He better not have had to give that up. Well, the answer was, no, he didn't, Kristen. And the reason was because Robert Small's house was not confiscated from anything war-related. It had been auctioned off because the owner failed to pay property tax. Okay, I do like that logic. All right.

Yeah, so Robert Smalls legally purchased the home with cash. The house was safe. For now. I hate it. So yeah, needless to say, the situation in the South seemed pretty bleak. the dream of owning property for newly freed people was quickly disappearing. Despite their situation, some black people offered to help white southerners returning to their homes by offering food or a place to say while their affairs were being settled.

That's smart. And Robert Smalls was one of those people who wanted to help. One day in Beaufort, he spotted his former enslaver's cousin sitting outside of a store, and he was wearing his Confederate Army jacket. Robert Smalls could have just ignored him and moved on. But instead he warned the young man that, hey, you should probably get rid of that jacket. Because if Union troops see you, they're not going to treat you very well wearing that. And then Robert Smalls bought him a brand new suit to wear.

Stories like this made Robert Small's popularity just sore among both the white and black population. And it would serve him well in his future career. As the year 1865 came to... Hold on. Hold on. What do you think of that? I just think it speaks to Robert Small's character. I think, sure. Really nice thing to do.

Really smart thing to do. I think you're, you know, you're picking up on things, how things are going to shake out. Yeah, you don't want to be the black guy who is like, ha ha! You know, doing a happy dance, you know, flipping people off. You don't want to do that. Very insightful, Kristen. So you want, you know, you want people to remember, hey, when you fell on hard times, I helped you out. I was kind to you. But also, can you imagine how good that would feel your former enslaver's cousin is in a worse position than you are? And he has to come to you for help and you buy him his only suit.

Mm-hmm, mm-mm-mm. My HG TV show is over. Now it's say yes to the suit. Say yes to the petticoat. Say yes to the petticoat. Yeah. And every episode ends with, yeah, yeah. And you remember who bought that for you.

Uh-huh. Wow, you're coming up with some great historical reality shows, Kristen. Thank you. This is why we need time machines. So we can go back and film these shows. Never mind that all of these people will be like amazed by the camera or, you know, studio lighting. Yeah, yeah. We'll show them that.

They'll be amazed. And then I'll say, all right, fellas, it's time to film a TV show. Let's do this. And they'll say, what is a TV? Don't worry about it. Kristen, as the year 1865 came to a close, President Andrew Johnson had an announcement. I'm stupid in my breath stinks. He said, I'm stupid, my breath stinks, and reconstruction is complete.

How? Are you out of your mind? Yeah, Andrew Johnson thought he had done a fantastic job, and everything was going great. Well, yeah, I mean, really, nothing could be easier than just making things exactly as they were before. So sure. Mm-hmm. Hats off to you. Yeah.

So yeah, Andrew Johnson was like, I've done a great job. Everything's going great. Reconstruction is over. Well, thank God, Congress finally came back to session, and they're like, dude, what the fuck? You made a mess. So they started correcting everything. First, Congress refused to recognize the new southern state governments. Oh.

And then they turned away newly elected representatives, like the fucking vice president of the Confederacy, Alexander Stevens. What was that bitch doing? He had won a seat in the house, I think, in Georgia. No, no, no, no. You do not get to literally try to tear the country apart and they'd be like, oh, hi, now I'm in office again. Yeah. So Congress agreed. And they're like, you were elected with a sham election, an illegal election.

Yeah, he literally went to Washington, D.C. and was like, here I am, I'm here to serve. And Congress is like, no, you're not. Yeah, we admire your nuts. but you should be on trial. Congress nullified the black codes in several states, including the ones in South Carolina. And then they passed a new Friedman's Bureau bill, which extended the agency for two more years, and it sent U.S. troops to the South to protect black people's civil rights. And then Congress also passed the Civil Rights Bill of 1866, which granted citizenship to black people

and ensured equal rights without distinction of race or color. Well, Andrew Johnson didn't like any of those things, Kristen. So he was like, oh yeah? Well, I'm the president, and I'm going to veto all of this stuff. And guess what? Congress overrode all of his vetoes. Wow. That civil rights bill of 1866 would eventually become the 14th Amendment to the Constitution.

Robert Smalls and his family felt some relief as Congress did what they could to battle back against Andrew fucking Johnson and his 11th. with the white planter class. In the meantime, Robert Smalls kept working on the planter for the Friedman's Bureau. He was moving U.S. troops and supplies around the area. It was mostly peaceful. The war was over, after all. But some people held some grudges, Kristen. Hmm.

You see, word had gotten around that John Ferguson had been denied his request to get the planter back. And his buddies fumed as they saw Robert Smalls piloting. the boat around the area. And so they were like, don't worry, John, we got your back, brother. So in the spring of 1866, Robert Smalls was piloting the planter down the Savannah River. He was transporting some union officers. The trip was pretty boring. That is, until Robert Smalls noticed another steamer rapidly approaching from behind.

That steamer's name? The Fanny. Shut up. I'm not making that up. It was called the steamer. Fanny. Was Fanny not a funny word back then? I don't know.

Okay. The Fanny steamed ahead and quickly moved in front of the planter, and then it swung to its side, blocking the path. They were trying to force Robert Smalls to crash the planter into some nearby obstacles. My Aunt Fanny. Robert Smalls had other plans. He decided to speed up, and the planter rammed right into the Fanny's cheeks. Carrying it half a mile.

up the Savannah River. Well, that really pissed off the white captain of the Fanny. Well, yeah, I rode that Fanny pretty hard. He stormed out onto the Fanny's poop deck with his revolver and pointed it at Robert Smalls. Do you like all these butt jokes I'm making? I like how I jumped in with mine as if you weren't going to make a million of them. I apologize, sir. Yeah, you don't really think much of me, do you?

So, yeah, the white captain of the Fanny pointed a revolver at Robert Smalls. Well, Robert Smalls was armed too. He pointed a double-barreled shotgun back at the guy. And then Small said, now shoot. And mind you don't miss, for I won't. Ooh. Damn, that's like something out of a Western. Yeah.

I love a good Western. You do. My favorite movie genres. Well, Union officers onboard the planter quickly intervened, and they ordered the men to stand down. And then when the boats finally reached Savannah, Georgia, the men on board the the fanny were arrested. Got them. Ha-ha.

That was one of the last times Robert Smalls got to pilot the planter. Because later that year, in 1866, the U.S. government decided that they no longer needed the vessel. They ordered Robert Smalls to take the planter to Baltimore to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. It was probably an emotional trip for Smalls. This was the boat that took his family to freedom. It's the boat he piloted throughout the war. It had done so much for. for him. No doubt, the planter felt the same way, if it were sentient.

I love you, Robert. It's pretty good, huh? What if somebody decided to make a movie about this wonderful man, but instead of doing it the right way, they, like, had the boat have feelings? It would be amazing. I would watch that movie. We're going to escape. to freedom. Ain't that right, planter? Yes.

Oh, that's such a good idea. No, it's the worst idea anyone's ever had. Okay. Well, it's funny. I've seen so many comments from people that are like, they need to make this into a movie. They need to make this in the movie. And I'm like, okay, yeah, what if in the movie the boat could talk? How about if they make it into a movie and it's the worst movie anyone's ever seen. You know, you've been wanting to do some more, like, writing, maybe some screenplays. This could be your first screenplay.

Oh, my God. The Escape of Robert Smalls starring Chris Pratt as the voice of The Planter Book. Oh, my God, it would be. So, at auction, the Planter sold for $7,700. Interesting that it's so close to the value it held all those years earlier. Adjusted for inflation, about $150,000. The buyer was a man named Moses Mordecai. He was a wealthy white merchant from Charleston, South Carolina.

Oh. Shortly after winning the auction, Mordecai transferred ownership of the planter to John Ferguson, the original owner of the boat. Well, that sucks. What a stupid act of charity. Let me help out this rich white dude. I feel so sorry for it. Oh, they were buddies.

It was like a proxy bid. Yes, no, I understand. It was no charity. John Ferguson was like, hey, I'll give you a room at the Holiday Inn Express and some crab cakes if you bid on this boat for me. Crab cakes from the complimentary breakfast. Oh, so I get to go out for crab cakes? No. No.

You get to eat the crab cakes from the Holiday Inn Express. You better get down there right at 630. Those things go fast. Yeah, I don't think I want to try crab cakes from the Holiday Inn Express. You only do it once. Robert Small's days of piloting the planter were over. But he was one of the wealthiest black men in the Beaufort area, and so he got involved in other business ventures. He opened another store with a business partner.

He invested in railroad projects. He purchased more real estate. He bought a steamboat and allowed black residents to buy stock in the boat. Unfortunately, that venture failed, and people lost a lot of money. Oh, well, that really sucks. Yeah. Hold on. Why did it fail? It's not really clear, but I did read a new story that the boat was found like on the beach, like, wrecked.

And like they may have lost like $10,000 total. All right. I was like, I don't know what the plan was. Okay. It didn't work out. Robert Smalls soon found a new passion. Education. He thought it was critically important for the future of black people in the United States.

He himself had only recently been taught to read and write, and he thought that it opened so many new doors for him. With his wealth, Robert Smalls would eventually be able to send his daughters off to private schools. But what about those who couldn't afford that luxury? Well, something needed to change. Because during this time, many of the schools that had been started for formerly enslaved people during that Port Royal experiment, they were shut down. The land had been returned to those white planters, Chris, So in February of 1867, Robert Smalls joined the Beaufort County School District Board, and he worked hard to help secure land to open a new school for black children.

It was his first foray into the exciting world of politics. Woo! Yeah, woo! Robert Smalls was a natural politician. He was described as good-humored, intelligent, fluent, self-possessed. He was incredibly popular in the Beaufort area, especially since he spoke Gullah, many people's first language. Okay. So that year, he, along with 37 other black men and three white fellas, organized the Beaufort Republican Club.

It was the very first Republican organization in the state of South Carolina. And almost immediately, Robert Small's political career would take off. Okay, Kristen. So, remember when I said that Congress refused to recognize Andrew Johnson's bullshit new state governments? I do remember. It was mere minutes ago. Yes. So Congress came up with new guidelines for these states if they wanted to rejoin the United States. Number one, Southern states had to make new constitutions because those first ones they came up with were bullshit. Number two, that constitution had to allow universal suffrage, except for women. Yeah.

Sorry, ladies. Number three, the state had to ratify the 14th Amendment, citizenship for formerly enslaved people. Many southern states refused to do it. So then Congress authorized the United States Army to carry out the orders. So the military appeared in South Carolina. They registered voters. They conducted the elections, and they made sure no shenanigans took place. Many white southerners were outraged by what was happening.

Tyranny! Invasion! Occupation! Invasion from what? The United States is occupying our land and homes. Guess what? You live in the United States. Not yet.

Not back in the U.S. yet. in South Carolina, those white southerners called for a protest. And the protest was, we are not going to participate in these politics. And that'll show them. That would be fucking amazing. And also, I take back feeling a little bad about all your shit burning to the ground. Frankly, with your attitudes, I'm going to burn more stuff. I don't like your attitude, mister.

And for that, I'm going to set your wheat field on fire. Well, Kristen, you'll be delighted to hear that that is exactly what. what they did. They refused to participate in the government. This is my favorite thing. These are a few of my favorite things. When douchebags punish you by leaving. Oh, yeah, well, I'm just going to leave you alone and never talk to you again. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not hanging out with you anymore. Their protests definitely showed in the vote for a constitutional convention in South Carolina.

69,000 voted yes, the majority were black voters. 2,000 voted no. That is amazing. Mm-hmm. So voters sent 124 delegates to Charleston to write up a new constitution. The vast majority were Republican, to the surprise of no one. And Robert Smalls was selected to represent Buford. At this time, Beaufort had the highest concentration of black residents,

mostly due to the Port Royal experiment during the Civil War. There were nine times as many black residents as white residents. The Constitutional Convention began on January 14, 1868, and the delegates worked for 53 days, hammering out a new document, and it was finally complete on March 17, 1868. Of those 124 delegates at the convention, 76 were black. Most of them had been formerly enslaved. There were 48 white delegates. That's incredible. Yeah.

And during this convention, Robert Smalls kind of kept a low profile. I think he may have felt a little intimidated by it all. He was certainly less educated than many of the other delegates. According to the records, he did not participate in any debates. But when it came to education reform, Robert Smalls spoke up. He proposed a, quote, system of common schools to be open without charge, to all classes of persons, aka public schools.

The first public schools in South Carolina. Wait, so before this, they didn't have public schools for the white kids either? Nope, I don't think so. Wow. The proposal passed. This new constitution was pretty progressive

for its time, Kristen. Civil rights for all, regardless of race or color. Divorce was now legal. Oh, man. Women could own property. Well, God damn, this is pretty progressive. Public schools that prohibited segregation.

Male suffrage. Sorry, ladies. Still can't vote yet. So now it was up to South Carolina voters to approve the new Constitution and to elect state representatives. Robert Smalls returned to Beaufort to ensure that the Constitution vote passed. But he also wanted to be elected to the South Carolina House. So he's campaigning, and he had some fiery words,

Kristen, are you ready? Yeah. He was like, hey, if you're a lady and you're married to a guy who opposes this Constitution, don't have sex with them. Shut up. I swear to God. Seriously? Mm-hmm.

And he was like, oh, and if you're single, do not get with a guy who won't support this Constitution. Norman, are you making this up? I am not making it up. Those are not his exact words, but that was basically what he was saying. So he was campaigning with the men, and when he was around the women, he was, Okay. When he was giving speeches in Buford, he was like, ladies, if you're married to a dude and he doesn't support this Constitution, stop having sex with him.

Okay. It was a good old-fashioned sex strike, Kristen. I am still 15% wondering if you're kidding. I'm not kidding. Okay. Hey, fun fact, did you know? Wow. Sex strikes date back to ancient Greece?

No, I did not know that. Yeah. What do you think of the sex strike? What do I think of it? Yeah. Well, I'm actually on a sex strike right now. So I support it. What are you trying to get from me?

Well, you know, that's what the Dare Pledge of Virginity is all about, Kristen. I don't think it is. It's basically a lifelong sex strike. But I thought the sex strike you were supposed to get something. I want you to apologize for blaming me for you not getting custard. I'm very stubborn on this issue. And you know what? No sex for you, Kristen, until you apologize.

It doesn't have the same power when a dude is like, I'm not going to have sex with you. See, I think it does. I think, I don't know. It just makes me sad. Not you having a pretend sex strike. But like. What makes you sad? It's saying literally your only power is sex and giving sex.

That's your only power. you don't get to vote Yeah I hear what you're saying Yeah it sucks Yeah I went You know when I read this

During my research I was like What? Like I just Like even the thought of saying That like back then It's just like It felt like it came out of nowhere

I was like Especially from Robert Small That was like what? I bet it was a common thing To say that sort of stuff I don't know But yeah you're right It is like

Messed up that it's like Yeah the only power you have is sex. And so if you withhold it, get your man to do what you want. It's also complete bullshit. I mean, especially when you consider how prevalent rape is, the idea of, well, just don't do it and that'll teach him. I don't know. Anyway, let's move on.

This is a fun conversation. No, you're right, Kristen. Had to mention it, though. Thought it was interesting. No, it's very interesting. I'm very fascinated by these situations where, okay, you're in a room where you're trying to talk to voters. Only half the people can vote. Yeah.

And you don't want to alienate the other half. So you have to talk to the other half like they also have some power too. And not that women were totally powerless. But, you know, what a shitty reduction. I agree. this is a rare time when the norm troopers and the night guard can come together and agree and agree to not sex strike one another you know what and instead come together in an orgy of perfect harmony because of your words christian i'm going to end my sex and that is how i revealed the true power of a woman wow incredible so before the big vote those white southerners who had sat out the political process those were the Democrats, by the way.

They were like, hmm, yeah, that was probably a bad idea. We probably shouldn't have done that. And then someone was like, well, what if we just got violent? And they're like, eh, we can't do that because the U.S. military is down here. And like they're all over the place. We can't get violent yet. Oh, that's fun. So instead they tried to sway black voters to join them.

They're like, eh, we were just messing around. We actually support black suffrage. They said, join us. And if you don't join us, we won't have sex with you. They're like, give us a chance. It reminds me there's a great political cartoon of it's a billboard of a wolf running for office. And on the billboard, it says, I am going to eat you. And there's two sheep looking at the billboard.

And one sheep says to the other, he tells it like it is. So do you think black people are going to join the Democrats? No, I do not think so. Interesting. Yeah, they didn't. No, no, no, no. Hell to the no. I mean, talk about an easy decision.

I think I'm going to go with the party that stopped me from being enslaved. Is this a cake or death situation? I get it. Cake, please. In April of 1868, South Carolina voters overwhelmingly voted, yay, for the new South Carolina Constitution, and Robert Smalls easily won his race for the South Carolina House of Representatives. Republicans ended up taking 110 of the 124 House seats. In fact, South Carolina was the only southern state in which black people held the majority of the House seats.

This is incredible when you talk about this was the state where it all started. Yes. And now look. Take a look at me now. Is that Phil Collins? I don't know. So with statehood conditions met, South Carolina officially rejoined the United States on July 9, 1868. Robert Smalls couldn't believe it.

A new progressive constitution? Black suffrage? Except women. Civil rights? Public education? A majority Republican government? What could go wrong? As Robert Smalls was beginning his.

political career in South Carolina, another man's career was teetering on the edge. In 1868, Republicans in Congress had decided enough was enough. They formally impeached Andrew Johnson, the first president to ever be impeached. Andrew Johnson's impeachment was a little complicated and probably too much to talk about in this episode, but I do want to do a little recap. Okay. So Congress had passed the Tenure of Office Act, which required that the Senate had to approve a cabinet member being fired. Okay. Andrew Johnson immediately vetoed it.

And then Congress overrode the veto. And Congress passed this act because they were worried Andrew Johnson was going to fire the Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton. Edwin Stanton was a radical Republican. He was basically in charge of the United States Army. And so he was like, if he fires Stanton, he's going to withdraw all the troops from the South, and then black people are fucked in the South. Yeah. Well, Andrew Johnson was like, the Tenure of Office Act is clearly unconstitutional bullshit. And so he fired Edwin Stanton anyway.

And so that is what Congress impeached him over. Oh. He had violated the Tenure of Office Act. However, Andrew Johnson was acquitted in the Senate by one vote. That sucks. The reason? Well, we need to preserve a system of checks and balances. We can't just remove someone we don't like.

That would set a bad precedent. You mean precedent? Precedent. Well, it's not about removing someone just because you don't like them. It's because they're not following the rules. So some Republicans and Democrats argued, like obviously some Republicans voted to acquit Andrew Johnson. Sure. And they were like, whoa, you radical Republicans, you basically passed the Tenure of Office Act and set a trap for Andrew Johnson.

You knew he wasn't going to follow it. And that is how you wanted to impeach him. Okay. So to be fair, the Tenure of Office Act was later found to be unconstitutional. However, I do think Andrew Johnson had to fucking go. I think they were right to impeach him, but they impeached him for the wrong reason. Sure. I think they should have impeached him for dereliction of duty or like you're not acting presidential or something.

Oh, that's harder to prove, though. Yeah, I know. Andrew Johnson survived his impeachment. You love to see it. Future topic? Yeah, you've told us it is. Oh, yeah. Anyway, back to our good pal, Robert Smalls.

Yeah. His first term in the South Carolina House was not very exciting. But here are the highlights. Ooh. Do you not have any highlights? Here we go. I'm waiting. He helped pass a bill that ensured enforcement of the Civil Rights Act of 1866.

Okay. He joined a commission to help set up the public school system in South Carolina. Hell yeah. He supported a new railroad line that connected Beaufort to Charleston. Cool. He was on a committee that had a committee that had a public school. investigated voter intimidation and killings during elections. Oh.

That committee traveled through four counties and collected 800 pages of testimony. Sadly, nothing really came from those investigations. Oh. I had to stop dancing there at the end. That was kind of a bummer. And I had to end the song, too. Unfortunately, the new South Carolina legislature was ineffective. They were united in making sure the white planter class didn't seize power again.

But overall, the governing body lacked direction. There were also serious issues of corruption and bribery. Some came from northern white politicians who traveled down south after the Civil War to take advantage of the economic conditions. White southerners called them carpetbaggers. Oh. Historian Edward Miller Jr. contends that

several of the newly elected black legislators were easy to bribe because many of them had never seen that kind of money before. The temptation was too great. Well, sure, and the need is too great. Absolutely. Robert Smalls, however, seemed to be the exception. He was independently wealthy. At the time, his net worth was estimated to be around $7,000. Adjusted for inflation, $170,000. That was far more than most of his black colleagues. It's a lot easier to have ethics when you've got enough money to feed your family. Mm-hmm. Corruption would dominate South Carolina politics for the next decade.

Allegations included legislators purposely drawing out sessions to collect more per diem. Hiring way too many clerks. Overinflating the price of supplies. Kickbacks for voting a certain way. Handing out government contracts to friends and business partners. A basement bar filled with alcohol and cigars. I mean, that's the least of my worries. Sounds pretty sweet, actually. Constantly voting for their own raises. Man, and that didn't get out in the papers as like, hey, look what they're doing?

Oh, it's about to blow the fuck up. Okay, because I was going to say, voting to raise your own salary, that'll rile up voters. Yeah, riles me up. Just thinking about it. Sure. Democrats seized on this. They rallied. They renewed operations to regain power.

they especially focused on poor white voters. Their messaging was simple. Good old-fashioned racism, Kristen. Yeah, that'll do it. They're like, hey, black people are only good for labor. And now they're running our government. Something has to be done about this. Democrats tried all sorts of tactics to get back power.

Some of them were really stupid. Here's one, Kristen. One time they published an open letter titled, An Address to the Colored People. The letter basically said that white people were better at running the government and were needed to help bring in some business to the state. Therefore, black legislators should voluntarily resign and let the white guys take over. I can't believe that didn't work. That's how a white man plays guitar.

Yeah, for some reason, that didn't work, Kristen. I can't do imagine. Yeah, Robert Smallers, you know what, got a good point. I think I'll resign. I've never thought of it that way. But sadly, one thing that did work really well, violence. Yeah. After South Carolina was readmitted to the Union, many U.S. troops were removed from the area.

It left the black population extremely vulnerable. In October of 1868, two legislators and friends of Robert Smalls were murdered. The first was Benjamin Randolph, a black state senator. He was killed while boarding a boarding a president. a train in the middle of the day in front of many witnesses. Wow. No one ever stood trial for his murder. The other was James Martin, a white member of the state house.

He was killed for supporting policies to help the black population. More than likely, these murders were carried out by a new organization calling themselves the Ku Klux Klan. Oh, heard of them. They've got a beautiful monument on Stone Mountain in Georgia. Oh, yes. Previous topic? Ding. Yeah, I need a sound for previous topic.

No, you don't. This type of violence was on the rise in the south and also in the north. Do you remember that man, Octavius Cato, the man in Philadelphia? No, what the hell happened to him? Who taught Robert Smalls how to read and write? He was murdered while on his way to vote. Oh. Robert Smalls and other House members quickly passed legislation that created a state police

force and allowed the governor to suspend habeas corpus. Militia regiments were also formed to help protect the vote, and enlistment in the militia was mostly black men. Many whites refused to join. Robert Smalls himself joined the militia, and he rose all the way to Major General. That protection was badly needed, because that fall in 1868, the United States was set to vote for a new president. Oh, boy. The Republicans nominated Civil War here. and the only man that knew how to whoop Robert E. Lee's ass, Ulysses S. Grant. Woo-hoo! Now what about Andrew Johnson, Kristen?

He was eager to be the Democratic nominee. Shut up. But he was pretty unpopular all around. The Democrats were like, eh, no thanks. Even the Democrats didn't like him? Yeah, they told him to go home. He spent his whole term just doing whatever they wanted. Well, they chose.

Former governor of New York Horatio Seymour. Oh. Kristen, I beg of you, please Google this fucking man because I have never seen facial hair quite like this. I looked at a picture of him and I stared at him for at least five minutes. Oh, dear God. What is? Okay, at first, I thought I was looking at the wrong picture because I thought this man had no facial hair. I thought he was wearing a scarf.

Uh, that is... A big fluffy scarf. That is the weirdest neck I've ever seen on anybody because I can't see his neck. I see a turtleneck of wiry hair. You want to talk about a neck beard. That is weird. That is a neck beard, folks. Well, and you know, he was the only one who had this facial hair.

You got to wonder if at a certain point no one else sees it and goes, I think I'm going to do that too, you're no longer a trendsetter. You're just a weird guy with the original neck beard. This just proves how much they hated Andrew Johnson. They're like, uh, fuck, we don't want him to be nominee. Hey, how about that weird guy in the corner with the neck beard? That's me in the corner. That's me with my neck beard. It's hard for me to wear a tie.

No, it's, that's me in the spotlight, secure in the nomination. Ooh, yeah. There we go. Yikes, okay, I have to close this. That may- Don't look at it, Kristen. You'll get two turned on. I forgot I had two tabs open on this fellow.

Okay. Well, voters were also like, oh, what is with that dude's facial hair? And Ulysses S. Grant won the presidential election. Do you think his facial hair had an effect? I think it did. Surely. Well, yeah, I mean, they always say the taller person wins. Surely, the guy who looks like he's got a full bush of pubes just under his jawline.

And surely that's a disqualifier. He's got a thicket of pubes on his neck. Well, sure. And Grant had a great beard. He did. Yeah. He did this weird thing where he let it be on his cheeks. Yeah.

They seem where it's like, you ever thought I was shaving that but leaving the neck? Maybe he thought it was like a contour. No one will see my double chin if I cover it in hair. He was trying to be a trendsetter, Chris. And he's like, this is going to take off. in salons across the country. Oh my, he tried. So yeah, Grant won the election.

Republicans rejoiced. Hurrah! We can continue Reconstruction, and this time we don't have Andrew fucking Johnson in our way. But the election revealed some troubling signs. Grant had only won

52% of the popular vote. He easily won the electoral vote count, but only by the slimmest margins in some states. Many historians credit the black vote. about 500,000 new voters as the reason Grant won that election. I'm sure.

And then there is the fact that when northern states voted on black suffrage, it failed in quite a few states. Michigan, Kansas, Wisconsin, Minnesota, New Jersey, they all denied the black vote. Way to go, Midwest. God damn. We hardly ever get talked about, but now we're in the press. It's embarrassing. Mm-hmm. You're such an embarrassment. It was hypocritical. Some Republicans were all for black suffrage, but not in the north.

They only wanted it in the South, where it would benefit them politically. Black people had no business voting up north, and these trends troubled the Republican majority in Congress. They were concerned that maybe their radical agenda may not be as popular as they thought with white people. Yeah. Sorry that that yeah, got. stuck in my throat because of sadness. Yeah. So she sounded like.

I was me going, yeah, we're all pretty terrible. We're bad. So before the new legislators took office, the radical Republicans pushed through the 15th amendment. The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state. on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude. So they said, fuck those northern states.

Here's the 15th Amendment. Yeah. Now it didn't matter how states voted. Black suffrage was now federally guaranteed, except for women. Right. Sorry, ladies. I have to apologize many times during this episode. It's okay.

We got the right to vote in 1920, and it was because we all withheld sex. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So as a white man, I apologize for my people. Robert Smalls was elated by this news. In South Carolina House, he introduced a resolution to celebrate the passing of the 15th Amendment.

He wanted a feast and a prayer. Unfortunately, the 15th Amendment did nothing to stop violent terrorist groups from intimidating black voters across the South. And the problem would only get worse. Some Republican leaders in South Carolina got nervous. and we're like, hmm, maybe we need to make some appeals to these people trying to kill us. Let's hear them out. The black legislators, including Robert Smalls, were like, Nope.

They knew that any concessions could lead to the white planter class coming back and seizing power. And sadly, that is exactly what would happen in the coming years. on the next episode of an old-timey podcast. Oh, it just sounds like it's going to get worse. Robert Smalls ascends to U.S. Congress and fights bribery charges. Wow. Okay. Okay now.

Okay. Mm-hmm. Oh, this was, this was excellent. Yeah, not a super uplifting episode, but you know me, love my context. I had to explain what was going on. I appreciate it. Thank you. And I think the history hose do as well.

I do really appreciate all the comments I've been getting, all the lovely comments I've been getting about this series. Yeah. And people are just thrilled that I'm going into so much detail. So thank you very much. Well, yeah. I mean, a lot of us are hearing this story for the first time, which is outrageous. And then we're also hearing from people who are like, oh, I've, I've heard. heard this story, but it was told, you know, over the course of 20 minutes or what I mean,

which is ridiculous. Yeah. So I read a lot of people were like, oh, I watched drunk history and drunk history did a segment on this. And I do remember that episode and it's hilarious. Yeah. But yeah, there's like, there's like way more to this story than just him stealing the boat and getting freedom.

So I'm excited to tell the rest of the story. And we, my dear sir, are excited to hear it. Oh, thank you. You know, I didn't pull reviews to read. Well, would you like to talk about, Kristen? Gosh, I don't know. I'd like to talk about something. Uh-oh.

The saddest fact I ever heard last night. What's the saddest fact you've ever heard? That possums only lived two years. Oh. You did make me watch a video about a possum that got me very emotional right before bedtime. It was possum propaganda is what it was. I was browsing YouTube. I saw a video about a guy that raised a possum.

he does like wildlife rescue and he took in a possum. He woke up like every three hours to feed this little baby possum and it grew into adulthood and he tried to release it into the wild and the possum just didn't want to leave. It kept coming back home. It was in love with him. Yeah. But yeah, he was like, no, sadly she passed away and possums don't live long. And I was like, what? This is news to me.

And I googled it. Yeah, possums only lived two years. in the wild. And that got me real sad. I'm a big possum fan. You really do love possums. I do. I think they're adorable. I think they're so helpful to the ecosystem. And it's the only marsupial in North America. It's also very cool how it plays dead. Yes. And it did it to Dottie and Kit one time. Everybody, if you have not seen a possum drop to the ground and do its thing, get ready for a wild ride. I mean, so, So, Dottie and Kit were in the backyard one day, run around. They went nuts because they saw a possum, and they were like, I don't know what our dogs thought

they were going to do to this possum, but they were like, mm-mm, dinner time, new squeaky toy. Yes. They went to pounce. The possum dropped dead, dead in quotation marks, and Dottie and Kit were the most freaked out dogs you've ever seen in your life. They freaked out and backed away. They were like, oh my God, we are murderers. Oh, what have we done?

They came inside. And I watched from the window, the possum played dead for like five minutes. And then it like woke up out of a trance and just scurried off. It was amazing. It was pretty dang cool. I said darn and dang at the same time. Darn. Yeah.

Darn. Trying to make it catch on like a big bushy neck beard. I think I'm going to go for that look. Don't you dare. Do you think that guy was thinking? Do you think like maybe he had a normal beard? And then he had soup one day and got messy with it and was like, I know the solution to this problem. Hairstyles back in the 1800s were just all over the place.

There was no consensus on what looked good and what did not look good, okay? You think so? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've seen some wacky hair and facial hair in some of these old-timey folks. photos. But his was like next level. I was like flabbergasted by this guy. Okay. But in in people's defense, how many pictures do you think a person got in their life? That's what makes it worse. This guy had very few pictures and that was the one he went with. Well, no, what I'm saying is maybe like, you know how sometimes you think you look all right? And then you see a picture of yourself and you're like, oh, I need to throw that outfit away.

Maybe, like, maybe that would happen, but it's like, oh, well, this is my only photo for the rest of time. Yeah, and it took eight months to develop. Exactly. It's the one where I was actually able to sit still. He's like, my neck pubes just don't look good in this photo. They look terrible. Okay, how much for me to get that hairstyle? What do you mean how much?

How much would you pay me? Okay. Why would I do that? I'm going to set a Patreon. No. No, you're not. I am. Anyone who don't...

History hosts? You join the patron? If we hit a certain threshold of patrons, I will grow out my neck hair and try to get Horatio Seymour's look. You're saying you, honest to God, would be willing to look like a chia pet from the jaw line down just for, like, I don't know. How many people? Okay, how many patrons do we have? Gosh.

Like right under 4,000, right? Maybe, yeah. We hit 4,000? No, no, no, no, that's not a big enough jump. That's like 30 people. No. You're right, it is only like 30 people. We're like right under 4,000.

Okay, about 4,500. How long, your sister's wedding is coming up. Your sister would murder you on sight. That would be so funny. She'd be like, oh, not a problem. I'll just slit your throat. And then you won't have to worry about your neck beard. Because it'll be gone.

And she's getting married on the water. She can just dump my body into the grove or wherever. No, you're right now. I almost said you're right in ass. Your checks can't catch. Righten ass. I'm so upset about this idea. I'm looking right at your lovely neck, picturing a thicket of pubs.

and I'm not liking it. I think I'm going to do it. 4,500 patrons. No, that's not enough. No. How long do you think it's... Don't let me down, listeners. How long do you think it would take you to get this?

Man, his neck hair was real thick. Yeah, I don't think you're thinking of how long, what a commitment this is going to be to build up the thicket. Yeah, but I have to stick with it. Stick with the thicket. Stick with it. Thicket. And I'd have to shave. my face but keep the neck

I'd have to wear like turtlenecks for a while to like hide the shame Honey, summer is a common Also you know what it would be Do they make turtlenecks with short sleeves? Yeah they do. Do they? Yeah they do sleeveless turtlenex Oh I could just wear one of those

You could wear a dicky. A what? A dickie. What's a dicky? It's like a... Because it looks like No. No. Foreskin, what are they called it a dicky? Google Dickie. You'll see. Dickie Turtleneck? Ah. A Dickie collar.

What? That's just a bib. Well, yeah. But I'm just... This looks like I'm going to a lobster dinner. Well, yeah, but if it's the summertime, you can go topless with just your little Turtleneck Dickie. Oh, topless?

Yeah. Yeah, and then someone takes a photo of me out in the wild, and it's like, brave boy doesn't care what people think of him. Absolutely, no one would think that. I'll become viral. I'll go viral. Look at this guy. He doesn't give two Fs what people think.

And then they'll interview me and I'll be like, actually, that's not true. I really care what people think about me. Actually, I can barely do anything at all because I'm so paralyzed by anxiety. Okay, well, this is not happening. It's happening. 4,500 patrons. I will replicate Horatio Seymour's facial hair as best I can. What I really like is like there would be some skill in getting the jaw line just right.

You know, because you don't want to have squiggly lines. That would look stupid. Well, that would just look stupid. Imagine I go into the barber. And I'm like, yeah, I'm looking to get my facial hair cleanup. He's like, okay, you know, I just shave it all. No, no, no. Keep the neck.

Don't touch the neck. You would have to show him a picture. I want the Horatio Seymour, please? Yeah. And you can say, I'm sure people come in asking for this all the time. I don't need to tell you what the Horatio Seymour is. You're a professional in this industry. Here's a photo just for reference.

Let's wrap this up because I am horrified by all of these ideas. Okay. Norm, you know what they say about history hoes? We always cite our sources. That's right. For this episode, I got my information from, Be Free or Die, the Amazing story of Robert Small's Escape from Sla to Union Hero by Kate Lineberry

and Gullah Statesman. Robert Smalls from slavery to Congress by Edward Miller Jr. That's all for this episode. Thank you for listening to an old-timey podcast. Please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. And while you're at it, subscribe.

Support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. Join the Reddit community, our slash old-timey podcast. Follow us on Facebook and YouTube. and Instagram at Old Timey Podcast. You can also follow us individually on Instagram. She is the lovely Kristen Pitts Caruso.

Oh, hey. I go by Gaming Historian. And until next time, Tudulu, Tata, and Cheerio. Bye. Bye.