An Old Timey Podcast - 58: The Society for Indecency to Naked Animals (Patreon Bonus)

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

Alan Abel was driving down a Texas highway when traffic came to a sudden stop. As it turned out, a herd of cattle was crossing the road. How annoying! Then – shock of all shocks – a cow and a bull started mating, right there, in the middle of the road, IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYBODY.Some motorists giggled. Some averted their eyes. Some were shocked.  Alan couldn’t believe what was happening. Didn’t those animals have any decency? Didn’t they have any common sense? Someone needed to create some rules! The way Alan saw it, the world would be a much better place if we started putting clothing on animals. Remember, kids, history hoes always cite their sources! For this episode, Kristin pulled from: “Society for indecency to naked animals,” NPR.org“Alan Abel, history’s greatest hoaxer,” by Jake Rossen for Mental Floss“The fine art of hoaxing,” by Dave Von Drehle for The Arizona RepublicThe documentary, “Abel Raises Cain”“College may ban animal nudity,” by Andrew T. Weil for The Harvard Crimson“The campaign to make ‘indecent’ animals wear clothing,” by Zachary Crockett for Priceonomics.com“Underwear for Horses? A hoax, cemented in print,” The New York TimesThe album, “Inside SINA”“10 questions for the best prankster ever,” by Nicole Tourtelot for Esquire“The more you weigh, the more you pay,” by Joshua Foer for Esquire

Hey everyone. Hello. We miss you so much. We're on break for the month of June, but guess what? This whole month, we're putting out some of our bonus episodes from Patreon. Some of our favorite bonus episodes. That's right. And this one is a doozy.

It's about the outrageous, true fact that a lot of people just let their pets roam around naked these days. It's absolutely disgusting to see it all the time, and people got tired of it. Uh-huh. And so someone decided to do something about it. Everyone, this episode is absolutely ridiculous. We hope you love it. And if you love it so much that you decide, oh my gosh, I've got to get over to their Patreon and sign up and listen to more bonus episodes and get in on more of this fun. Well, head on over to patreon.com slash old-timey podcast.

Norm, do we have something special going on over there? We do for the entire month of June. our $10 tier, the pig butter investor tier, which gets you everything, is 50% off right now. 50% off. That's all the bonus episodes. That's every episode in video form and ad free. You get a card with stickers. You get to play trivia with us.

And yeah, in June, we're still doing trivia. We're still dropping a new bonus episode. So don't miss out, baby. And please enjoy this fabulous episode from an old time you podcast. And we will see you with new episodes in July. See ya. Bye. Hear ye.

You are listening to an old-timey podcast. I'm Kristen Caruso. And if you're wondering what happened to your elf on the shelf, he came to life and started co-hosting a podcast. It's Normie C. Woo-hoo, another white guy with a podcast. And on this episode, I'll be talking about putting shorts on dogs. What? It's about damn time.

Doc started wearing shorts, don't you agree? Well, I'm having a mental image now, and that is pretty funny. Uh-huh. What the hell is this episode about? And there's nothing funny about this episode, sir. This is about decency, and I am excited to talk about it. You know, every time I came into your office to just chitty chat the day away, you always shooed me out. I didn't shoot.

Don't look at my screen. I'm writing. I did say, don't look at my screen. screens because of all the porn on there, but also because I was working on a very exciting topic. Don't that don't know. Gross. Just regular porn. I know.

It was disgusting. Just normal everyday porn. Normal everyday porn. Just a real snooze fest. I remember when. Oh boy. What are we about to hear? When I was like a teenager.

Uh-huh. You know, my little TV in my room, sometimes you could get those like fuzzy channels would come in sometimes. Oh. And so, like the E channel would come on. Oh, well, that's not the channel I was thinking. But late at night, they would show, was it Brooke Burke? Look, look, everybody, I hope you're watching the video version so that you can see Norm

pretend like he doesn't know who hosts it. Was it, was it Wild on with Brooke Burke? That's it, Wild on with Brooke Burke. Yeah. And she always was in a bikini and was like, we're at the hottest club in my house. Miami this week, and I was like, hmm, I'm feeling some things. Kind of like it. Were you a little into Brooke Burke?

I mean, yeah. She just looked like a bunch of fuzzy grains, but I could kind of make out a sexy body. It was a sexy, fuzzy image. Well, you know, I can't guarantee you that this episode won't give you some tingles today, my friend. Depends on how gross you are, I guess. I may have shared with you. I found a picture online of a dog wearing a thong one time. Ew, what?

It was like a dog thong. You could buy for your dog. For what purpose? I really don't know, but it was a hilarious photo of like a boxer dog, and his butt was in the air. And it's his big old thong on. Okay, my favorite, if we're talking about dog photos on the internet, my favorite will always be the woman who took her corgi to the groomer and said she wanted like, you know what, you know the one I'm talking about, right? The heart. Yeah, yeah.

Joe, will you put the image in there? You know the one. And the groomer misunderstood the assignment. She wanted like a little heart on the corgi's butt. But instead, the groomer shaved their heart into the butt. Into their butt hole, yeah. Well, we can't get more clear than that. This is a great bonus episode.

This is a great bonus episode. Teenage Norm watching Brooke Burke. What will we talk about next? I'll tell you what we're going to talk about. Here we go. Oh, we're jumping right into it, huh? We're jumping in, baby, unless you have something to say. Oh, I would just like to say happy holidays to all the history hosts.

I guess you're not interested in thanking our patrons for listening to this bonus episode. It's a reason why recruitment in the Norm Troopers is skyrocketing right now. No, actually, that's a very problematic organization. organization, okay, run by a man who watches children all day and reports back about whether they've been naughty or nice. Oh, oh, you're making an elf on the shelf reference. Very good. I appreciate that you just sat there politely the whole time as I got creepier and creepier with my insult. I was wondering where that was gone.

I was like, what have I been doing? What? I've just been down in the basement. Have those kids been snitching? Thank you all for listening to this bonus episode. Thank you for supporting us this small independent sexy podcast on Patreon. And I guess we're going to talk about dogs and shorts this month. Just calm down, Norm.

Are you ready for a story? Are you ready for a tail? Ha! Ha! Get it. Thank you. All right. Let's hear it.

Picture it. Texas, 1959. A principled man named Alan Abel was driving down a Texas highway, minding his own business. when all of a sudden he noticed a bunch of cars in front of him had come to a complete stop. So he stopped too, naturally. Well, wouldn't he have to? Yes, he would have to because it was like three cars deep. It's pile up.

Okay. So was there a wreck or just the cars had stopped? How about you keep your pants on, you creepy little elf? So he comes to a stop, which, as you pointed out, he had to do. It was kind of a pain in the ass, really. a herd of cattle were slowly walking across the highway with no sense of urgency. I would have been really excited if that happened. You would hate that.

You would go apeshit. No, I like animals. But you're road ragey, sir. Remember that time we got stuck behind some Amish guy in a little buggy? Oh, God. And you just lost your ever-loving shit? I did. I was a different man back then, though.

I've changed. Okay. I was battling a lot of demons. He didn't say anything to the Amish guy. He just really flipped out in our little Prius. Well, first of all, seeing an Amish buggy in our neighborhood was just unheard of. I was like, I can't believe there's an Amish buggy here. It seemed like so random.

One of these things is not like the other one of these things just doesn't belong. It just seemed so random. And so I said, well, it's a freaking horse and buggy. I'll just like cut down the street and go around them. well, I don't know if the horse sped up or what, but when I went to go cut, cut around it, the buggy zoomed on by. And so I was stuck behind the horse and buggy the whole way home.

The worst part of it, as I remember, is that you were not alone in the car. I was there. Kyla was there. Jay was there. Right. And the three of us were all laughing at you. I know.

Like I said, I was going through some stuff. Clearly. Okay. So we've got the herd of cattle, which you're pretending like you'd be fine with seeing. I would. I wouldn't have a problem with that. If they stopped you on the highway?

I think cows are cute. Okay. I've always wanted to hug a cow. Great. Good luck with that. When we drive to your parents, we see, you know, cow fields, and I've always wanted to just stop and knock on the farmer's door and say, would you mind if I hugged one of your cows?

And you're just in a trench coat and a pair of crocs? I'd be in my elf outfit, actually. Oh, okay, naturally. That's much more reassured. It's the holidays, you know. So, you know, everybody's just sitting there on the highway, waiting for these cows to move along. Yeah. How many cows are there?

Quite a few. Uh-huh. But then, oh my God, the unthinkable happened right there in front of God and everybody. A bull and a cow started having sex. Oh, really? In the middle of the highway, in the middle of the afternoon. Sexy times. Exactly.

Thank you, Dad. It was shocking. Did the blow of a big old dripping hog? Norman, that's a disgusting question. Inquiring minds. What was a person to do, I ask you? Were they doing it in the middle of the road? Yes!

That's great. Well! Enjoy the show, folks. Norm, what would you do if you saw this? I'd probably laugh. What if it took a while? Would you just be laughing the whole time? I mean, I'm not going to laugh the whole time.

Eventually, I'd get bored. I'm like, okay, I need to go now. This is the worst porn ever. This is so boring. There's no storyline. Yeah. It's taking forever to finish. Norm.

He's taking forever to finish. Some people were just shocked by this. This porn is bullsemen. Bullshit. Oh, great. That's not a good joke. Joe, cut that joke. Joe, please leave it.

it in. It's brilliant. That's bad. Some people gasped. Because of the dripping hog. Some people averted their eyes. Oh, no. They're prudes. Some people giggled.

Because they're immature. Like me. Some looked even harder. Curious. Poor Alan was appalled. The way he saw it, people aren't allowed to just start doing the horizontal mongo in the middle of the highway,

so why should it? Animals. They're animals. They don't know. Aren't we all animals in a way? There's a difference between humans. Someone needed to stop them. This is reminding me of on the Simpsons when there was a deer crossing sign.

Uh-huh. And the dears were walking across the road. And the guy driving the car was like, wow, look at that. How do they know to cross right there? Oh, that's cute. I do like that joke. It was almost as good as your bull semen joke. which we're definitely keeping in.

So what does this guy want to do? Why is he all upset about animals making sweet, passionate love on the road? Norm, the way Alan saw it, someone needed to stop these animals. Someone needed to create some rules. We're living in a society here. They're animals. So he went home and he wrote a letter to the Saturday evening post, hoping to have it published.

The letter was about the indecency of animals and how really maybe we needed to raise the bar a little bit, okay? Maybe animals needed to start wearing clothing. Okay, this guy's trolling. Alan thought that this was a great idea. No. Put clothes on the animals problem solved. Bing, bang, boom, boop, boop.

He's trolling. Alan's idea just made sense. After all, how can you explain to your four-year-old Why mommy and daddy are clothed? Meanwhile, Rufus the dog is buck-ass naked. You can't explain it. It doesn't make sense. I can't.

The only way to make it make sense is to put clothes on Rufus, don't you agree? Or we all just get naked too. Well, then we'd all be having sex in the middle of the highway. It'd be chaos. No one would get anywhere. Other than on. Oh. Everyone banging in the streets?

They'll be singing and swaying and record playing. Banging in the streets. Alan waited to hear back from the Saturday evening post. And when he did, he was really disappointed by the response. Yeah, what do they think of this idea? Which I think he's messing with them. But what did they say? Well, first of all, you should know that not only did they reject the submission,

but the editor who read Alan's piece thought that it was so stupid that he included a little note basically mocking Alan for his suggestion that we put clothing on animals. So rude. It's rude. I mean, it's bad enough you get a rejection. Yeah.

Then you get a mean little post-it. That does sting. It's a little personal at that point. But here's the thing, Norm. Alan's idea wasn't that outside the moment. box. I mean, I guess not. Like, people put clothes on their dogs and stuff, little outfits. Well, yeah, to keep them warm in the winter or for cuteness, not because, like... Because of indecency. Well, they, yeah, and I really don't see dogs with, like, pants on.

No, I would say you never see that ever. Nice pair of Calvin Klein jeans. I mean, yeah, you're right. Only the best for our dogs. Well, and that'd be so, like, when you have to take him out, to use the bathroom? Is there like a little poo hole? How would this even work? Do you know how anything works? If there's a hole for the poo, then that's also a sex hole. So you've just created a problem right there. The problem's right back?

Yes. Well, then you can't put shorts or pants on the animals. Yes, you can. It's just like you and me. When we have to go poop, do we shit our pants? Maybe occasionally in a bad situation. But for the most part, we take it. them on and off. But they can't take them off. They don't have thumbs. Well, but as a responsible

pet owner, you would be in charge of removing your dog's garments and then putting them back on. Okay. I still think this guy's fucking with us, but continue your story. The 50s were kind of a wild time for morality. Twas, leave it to beaver times. We were having moral panics right and left. Communism. Ah! Rock and roll? Ah! The intermingling of the races? Oh, whoa!

Oh, whoa. It was so scary. It all had to be stopped. In the 50s, thousands of books were banned from libraries, songs were banned from the radio, and Hollywood followed the Hays Code, which meant that all the scandalous stuff happened behind the scenes, not on camera.

In other words, censorship was alive and well, So why not keep this party going, baby? Whenever I see kissing in old movies, it's hilarious. Why? Because it's always like, you know. No tongue. No tongue. Just the way normal people kiss.

Have I ever shown you what I thought like kissing was like when I was a kid? No? I thought you just like kept your mouth open and were like sucked on each other's mouths. There's no tongue involved. It was just like, oh, to kiss a young Norman. It's basically like kissing a vacuum attachment, I guess. Yeah, basically, like a dust extractor. You're kissing a shop vac.

So censorship was happening. Why not have a little more of it? After all, if a bull is comfortable whip in his dong out on a Texas highway, why not fix them up with a pair of bespoke overalls to keep those Texas roadways clean and pure? Okay, well, it's not a matter of the bull's comfortable doing it. The bull doesn't... Oh, the bull had no problem doing it. The bull doesn't have thoughts like that.

The bull is like, I'm ready to have sex, and he mounts the cow, and they bang. It doesn't really matter where it is. Norm's seen it happen. Norm, are you ready for the wildest part of this story? Because I can tell you right now, I don't think you are. Okay, what is it? You're all like, oh, this is trolling. Yeah, the guy's, it's like a prank or something.

Okay, okay. Hold on to your hat and your dog's pants. Alan's belief that animals needed some manners, not to mention a set of trousers, wasn't that outlandish. If anything, Alan was just a little too early with his idea. Early? Yeah. So it comes back around?

You know what? Sometimes it's not a bad idea. You just were the first one to have it and it didn't take off because the Saturday evening post guy is a total num nuts. Hmm. A little while later, that same year, another guy made it his mission to put clothing on animals. This is stupid. Norm!

Norm, I worked very hard to bring you this lovely team. I'm not. And it's not stupid. It's a great idea. So you would want to dress Doddy and Kit in full clothing. And then whenever we take the. I'm on walks. You have to pull their pants down. No, but that's because I'm an indecent person, all right?

Okay. You have no morals. Right. Right. This man's name, G. Clifford Prout Jr. Okay, just to give you some background. His father, the late G. Clifford Prout Sr. had recently passed away, but in his will, he'd left behind $400,000 to clothe any animal, quote, that stands higher than four inches or is longer than six inches.

Wait, in his will? Yes. That's what he left in his will? Yep. I'd be pissed if that was... Okay, okay. I'm almost to that point. So, for the record, the majority of the Prout family thought that this idea was completely

bonkers. They argued that G. Clifford Prout Sr. had obviously been unwell when he wrote his will, something was up. So, you know, most of the family was like, yeah, we are contesting this will. This cannot happen. This is ridiculous. But in the meantime, G. Clifford Prout Jr. got to work carrying out his father's wishes with gusto. So I'm just going to recap this.

Yes. His father dies. leaves him $400,000 And says, You can only spend this money To clothe animals Any animal higher than four inches Or longer than six inches

So Okay, so you can't clothe freaking Like maybe a hamster Well, that would be ridiculous It would be pretty damn cute It would be so cute. Okay, so you're going to put clothes on cats. Yeah.

Dogs. Yep. I mean. Are you going to go through all the animals? Yeah, armadillos. Fuck it, any animal, basically. My problem is I'm hearing all these ideas and I'd love to see them all. Okay.

I had a weird thought. Okay. Is this some weird? I'm into bestiality and I'm ashamed of it. So what you're saying is it's like every middle school in 2000 when like the girl wears the short skirts and she's blamed because the boys are being inappropriate. Is that what's happening? Like the cat's walking around with its butthole in full view. I can't be held responsible for what I'm about to do.

Get that cat some trousers. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. That's a gross thought. G. Clifford Prout Jr. honestly believed that just seeing naked animals, quote, triggers moral deterioration and helps explain why there is so much juvenile delinquency and adult crime. So he's saying that just by seeing a naked animal, you are more likely to commit a crime. Not more likely.

You will commit a crime. He doesn't hedge like some pussy-footing dude with a naked cat running around outside this recording studio. Talking about you, Norm. No. You wonder about crime these days? Now we know why it's happening because we've got naked animals everywhere. And we're seeing them and we're committing crimes. So when I'm presented before the judge after I rob a convenience store, I will say, Your Honor.

I went to a dog park. Earlier that day, what do you think I was going to do? Yeah, look at all the indecency out here, Your Honor. Look at all these naked animals. Of course I robbed the 7-Eleven. And so what if I want to jerk off that dog? Oh, hey, hey, hey, watch it, buddy. Big deal.

Lock him up. If he was wearing clothes, I wouldn't want to want to do it. So, he founded the society or indecency to naked animals, aka Sinha. Wait, society for the indecency? Norm, I appreciate how closely you're paying attention. Mm-hmm. But I don't want to hear any criticism.

Like most people, you were confused by this name. It's a bit of an odd name. It sounds like they want animals to be indecent. It does indeed sound like the society for indecency to naked animals. is in favor of indecency to naked animals. Yeah, you're going to get some really upset people joining this club. Maybe it's to catch a predator, but for animal stuff.

Maybe G. Clifford Prout Jr. is Chris Hansen. Well, if that's where the story is going, great. But I don't think it is. And maybe that doxin just made a pitcher of tea. Come on in! Come on in, rub my belly. I'm burrowed on the cow. Ouch, under the pillows.

So G. Clifford Prout Jr. wasn't really interested in taking feedback on the name for his brand new national organization. Well, that's stupid. Well, no, hang on. The name had been spelled out in his father's will, so he really couldn't change it. His father fucked up his whole life. Fucked up! No. His father wanted to do the decent thing.

No, here's a bunch of money. But you can only spend it up. fucking dog clothes. Hey, hey, G. Clifford Prout Jr. was pleased with it. Pleased as Punch, ready to go. Now the rest of his family not so much. They were not impressed. And here is this new society.

Oh, and I named it completely wrong. It's the opposite of what I want. He really messed his boy up. You know what, Norm? What? First of all, calm down. Second of all, G. Clifford, Prout, Jr.

was not worried about the things that he could not change. Okay, he could not change the name. But you know what he could do? Why couldn't he change the name? Because he was written in the G.D. Will. What is it like a freaking commandment or something? I mean, kind of. You can't change it?

Instead? I'm going to do all sorts of crazy shit in my will. Because if you can't change it, that makes it even funnier. I just spat. Okay. So instead of worrying about all that BS, he was worried about making a difference. Okay?

And he absolutely did. He printed up pamphlets. He went on TV. He wrote catchy songs. I mean, he's got a lot of marketing and PR to do because I guarantee he's getting people joining this society. Sending in their disgusting photos of their animals. There is no evidence that that's what was happening. Finally, some more boys I can talk to about this.

I've got the sexiest dog ever. Check out these photos I took. Gross. It's the society for indecency of animals, isn't it? Indecency two naked animals, which is actually worse. Oh, yeah. Norm. I've been wanting to bang my dog for years.

I mean, come on. That's where this is going. Norm, you seem like you're ready to join Sina. No, I don't want to join Sina. Well, you're too late. The organization. tragically no longer exists. Gee, I wonder why.

But if you were to hop into a time machine, beepoo, beep, bo, bo, pooh. There was a million other things I would do with a time machine. Nope, it only goes to one place. It goes to 1959 so you can join Sina. I would not go back in time to join Sina. What if I told you that membership was absolutely free? It would have to be.

No one's going to pay to join this society. People pay to join all kinds. of societies. This is a really stupid one, though. All you have to do to become a member of Sinha, not that you asked, but here we go, is, quote, demonstrate a desire to be decent by clothing your animals, and in some instances, those of your neighbors. So you see your neighbor walking a dog that's naked, you got to intervene. So without your neighbor's consent, you're going to grab their pet and throw clothes.

on them. I don't think Sina would advocate for that because that could go wrong real fast. It literally says it in there. Your neighbor seems. Well, you might intervene, you know. Wait, wait before you go on that walk. Kind of a, have you heard about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ kind of thing? Like, hey, but you whip out a little dog and perk up. Hey, have you thought about putting these overalls on your dog? I've got some Oshkosh bagoshes here. Believe it or not, Norm, a few people. A few people People actually did join Sinha. I mean, yeah. There's always going to be a few Yehus out there.

A few? How many people you think joined? This is a national organization? Sure is. So stupid. Might go international in a minute. Who knows? Pitbull would have been a great spokesperson for that, by the way.

I'm going to say 10,000. Prepare to be blown away. Oh, my. My God. We'll get to the membership numbers in a minute. Okay. In the meantime, you should know that the people who did join distributed pamphlets for the organization. In some cases, they even went up to people who had their naked animals out in public and presented them with a summons to appear in front of the executive board of Sinha.

Well, they can't enforce that. This is fake. What's summons? Well, it's not fake. It's real in the sense that it's a real piece of paper. It's a real piece of paper. There's text on it. Yes, we're in reality.

But you make a good point that Sina has no government affiliation, no actual authority in any real way. So, yeah, this summons doesn't mean a lot. But. Okay, wouldn't it be hilarious, though, if the incoming Trump administration resurrected Sina and crusaded to clothing animals? You know, that'd be of all the things. Yeah, stay busy with that. Yeah, I say we put billions into it. Well, I don't know.

Billions and billions of dollars. Into parachute pants for parakeets. Hey, you know, yeah, they take like border wall money and they put it towards jeans for dogs. Towards covering up animals' buttholes. We're all for it. Yeah. It's disgusting.

It's absolutely horrible. I'm walking down New York City. I'm seeing naked animals everywhere. I'm rock hard. Okay, okay. So this summons, which as you have already pointed out, has no actual power demanded that the person appear before the executive board within the next 10 days. Or what? At which point, excuse me, we're not there yet, we're not to the punishment phase yet.

Within these next 10 days, you've got 10 days to appear from the executive board, at which point you will be forced to provide a complete explanation of your action. Force to provide. That's what happens when you show up. You have to explain yourself. But if you don't show up what happens. You'll be in a world to hurt. If you say this is really stupid and I'm not showing up. Okay.

If you say to yourself, this is stupid, this is not real. I am ignoring this ripping it up. Guess what happens? You, chum, will never be allowed to join Sinha. Ever. Oh, man. Ever. They do the same thing with Nambla.

Stop it. I'm banned from Nambla. Can you believe that? Gross. What, Norm, that's disgusting. I didn't show up for their summons. Why were you summons? Well, they saw me, they saw me walking around with you, and they're like, why aren't you loving on a little boy right now? Ew.

I thought they summoned you because you have a youthful glow. Oh, they thought I was a young boy. No, they don't, no. You've aged out of that. I regret to inform you. I'm sorry. Maybe when I was like 19, they would probably think I was still a young boy. I love how you said, maybe.

Maybe. When you absolutely could have been the decoy for to catch a predator. Oh, I would have been so good at that. I really would have. Okay, let's see your acting skills. Well, I would need practice. I'm just saying like... You said you'd be so good.

Because of how I look. Okay, I'm a dude. I've got a six pack of twisted teeth. Well, why can't you just be an old cougar who's like looking for a young boy? Yeah. Rude. Who's looking for a young boy. Rude.

Let's move on, shall we? Okay, fine. Okay, so if you don't appear for the summons. Your punishment is... You cannot join Sinha. Ever, so don't even think about it. Okay. That's heartbreaking.

Yeah. Really makes you rethink. decision to walk Doddy and Kit fully nude. I realize by saying that, it sounds like you are fully nude. Now that would be a problem. Word of Sinha spread quickly, partly because G. Clifford Prout Jr. drove around New York City in a Sina Emergency Clothes Mobile. B. Sinha in is the catchphrase, isn't it?

He'd packed it with clothes so that he could stop, hop out and quickly clothe any animal that really needed a set of pantaloons. You know, an emergency situation. So he had a freaking station wagon just full of animal clothing. You know, I'm sensing a lot of judgment from you, Norm, and I don't like it one bit. Was everything on cute little hangers, any pick out outfits? I'd like to think so. Oh, this poodle will look great in this little raincoat. It runs over.

Oh, let me get you something more flattering. It didn't take long for the media to find out about this weird yet somehow popular organization. Okay, well, hang on a second. What? I don't think the word popular applies here. I mean, people were talking about it. I don't think this was a mainstream idea. No, no, no, no.

Mainstream people thought this was stupid and weird. Yeah, so popular, let's not call it popular. Okay, okay. You know what's right is not always popular, and that's the case here, because clearly they're in the right. The New York Times wrote about Sina. So did the San Francisco Chronicle, the L.A. Times. Nearly every major U.S. newspaper wrote about Sina. Hell, even Playboy magazine wrote about the organization.

Hugh Hefner's animal had a little robe on just like him. We'll match in robe. I think you're really missing the point. It can't be a robe because you could just whip that open too easily. This animal's exposing himself. Sina was everywhere, and it drummed up a big reaction from people. Now, the vast majority of people thought it was pretty dumb. Every time G. Clifford Prout Jr. did a news interview,

Sina headquarters would get flooded with hate mail. Mm-hmm. But, you know, they also got some support, too. I have a question. Okay. The clothes. Yes. Are they making these clothes?

Are they just buying kids' clothes and putting them on animals? What is, what's the process here? Well, I'll get into it a little more. But I think they did a nice job of providing patterns to people if they wanted to sew their own clothes. They provided patterns? Yeah. Yeah, so you could do this yourself. Oh, my.

How did that make it? worse, Norm. How did that make it worse? It did make it worse for some reason. You were totally fine. It just feels a little more unhinged when it's like, here's patterns you can use. But you were totally fine with going to the little boys department of Macy's and be like, I'm going to cut a hole for the tail. I'm going to stuff my cat into this little sailor suit. I don't know. That seems better than making him a sailor suit. I like the idea of you handing over.

your credit card and being like, it'd be weird if I made this. Tens of thousands of people all over the world joined Sinha. Local chapters popped up all over the United States. In one particularly adorable example, a local Sina chapter participated in a parade by making a float that looked like a big, cute barnyard filled with very demure, very mindfully dressed animals. Where was this? I don't actually know where this was.

But I saw the pictures, and it was cute. They made a float for a parade with this stupid organization. You know what? Keep talking, buddy. And you will never be allowed to be a member of Sinha ever, no matter how much you beg. Okay, probably if you beg. Please let me join. I'll do anything.

I've seen the air of my ways. I can't look at my dog's butthole anymore. Please let me join. Sometimes the members of Sinha marched. In fact, they had a marching song. Oh, no. Please tell me you don't. What?

Do you have the song? I'm afraid I do. Oh, baby. And it is called Wings of Decency. And I suggest you listen carefully so you learn something. Wings of Decency. Wings of decency. Was the march led by a, like a pigeon and a tuxedo?

Here we go. High on the wings of sin, we fight for the future now. Let's clothe every pet and animal, whether dog, cat, horse, or cow. G, Clifford Prout, our president, he works for you and me. So clothe all your pets and join the march for worldwide decency. I was to the tune of the Marines marching song. Well. It fit very well.

Thank you. Did the song win you over? Or are you still a big grump? No, it didn't win me over. Years passed. And the organization grew. But the general public still found the idea really odd. It's weird.

For example, Newsday published an article about Sinha under the incredible headline, Decency counts! Is your animals still in the raw? Ooh. I must say that after reading the article, I fear that the good folks at Newsday were poking fun at Sina. Probably. The article included an illustration of a very irritated cat. wearing a pair of what appeared to be polka dot joggers.

Do we have a visual of this? Oh, yeah, I can send Joe the visual. Oh, excellent. Next to that, they had an illustration of a dog wearing striped boxer shorts. And at the top of the page, Norm, I don't mean to disturb you, but this is where they included a sewing pattern that readers could follow if they wanted to do the decent thing and make a nice pair of shorts for their horse. sore dog.

It's just so weird. Are you making this up? Making it up? No, I, I, there's a reason why I kept telling you, do not look at my screen, unless that was all part of an elaborate hoax on you. Elaborate hoax. Yeah. That's what I feel like. I feel like I'm being tricked right now.

Hmm. I can't believe this is real. Are you sure this is not a huge prank or a huge troll or? I don't know. Let's find out. shall we? Mm-hmm. The news articles were really something,

but nothing quite compared to G. Clifford Prout Jr.'s TV appearances. He went on countless news shows and shared his deeply stupid beliefs with oftentimes stunned news anchors. Nevertheless, he bravely warned parents that taking your kids to the zoo is basically the same as taking them to a peep show. That's a burlesque show. In the monkey cage burlesque show. Zookeepers were really pissed off when he said that.

Well, it's a stupid take. That's all. I mean, I mean, what am I even talking about? This guy wants to put clothes on animals. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, he's sexualizing the zoo. Yes. Which is already such a sexy place.

It's where I go and I need some relief. He oftentimes appeared on TV with a photo of a horse wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts. This guy, this can't be real. No, this guy is trolling. The Alan Abel guy may not have been, but this guy is. What makes you say that? It's just too bizarre. This is too weird.

He's going on TV. He's getting news articles. He's just doing this for attention. he doesn't actually believe these things, right? And you think that the whole thing about his father's will... It was made up. That came from him. He made it up.

Okay. I'm going to continue my... Or his father's trolling him and he actually didn't know. His father is like, oh my God, my son's an idiot. Yeah, well, I'm going to wait until you see what I'm about to do to him for the rest of his life. So, yeah, he went on TV with a photo of a horse wearing Bermuda shorts, which you say sounds like an ultimate troll. Now, what are Bermuda shorts exactly?

Can I Google that real quick? Sure. They're kind of... Bermuda shorts. They're like the knee length, a classy short, really. Oh. Were they plaid or they were straight color? Well, all of...

Every image I saw was in black and white, so I don't know. Yeah. But I can tell you, the horse looked quite fetching. I bet the horse was looking very sexy. And calm down. Hmm. This is why I needed... join Sina.

Evidently. Mm-hmm. You know what? Sina leadership actually argued that dogs behave better when they are wearing shorts. Shut up. No. In one interview, a member of Sina argued that if you tell a dog to get off the couch and he's wearing a pair of boxer shorts, he'll hop right off, no problem.

Oh, my apologies. Hey, he's not going to talk. Okay. That's ridiculous. If you'd like specifics, what? Okay. How does Sinha deal with? Okay, this is something I just thought of.

I'm sorry, this is where my mind's going. What? You know, sometimes it's more attractive or like there's like a teasing element to clothing. Like women can wear sexy clothing, you know? So can men? Look at that sweater you're rocking. Right. We're all turned on, sure.

Mm-hmm. So how does Sina like reconcile with that, that like, oh, what if my dog's wearing, like, lingerie or my cat. My cats wear a sexy bra or... You don't give your dog or cat's sexy clothing. I'm just saying it's a slippery slope, Kristen. No, it's not, because it's just, you just put on normal. Now they need underwear, and then at least a lingerie.

No, there was no discussion of that whatsoever. It's all about getting, you know, a half slip on a cow, getting a burlap sack dress on a deer, you know, whatever. It's going to lead down a road of like bikinis on snakes, okay? We've got to get these snakes in bikinis. Those snakes are really naked, okay? Yeah, sexy bikinis on snakes. People are going to panic.

An article in the Harvard Crimson reported that within just a few years... Harvard? What? Sorry, the Harvard article. Is this like, was Harvard covering this as it was happening? Yes. Dear God. Wait, where's the line for you?

Because the New York Times covered this, San Francisco Chronicle, L.A. Times. And now you're upset that the Harvard Crimson, the student newspapers covering it. There's some prestige there. Harvard's like the Harvard of Boston, you know. The Harvard of Cambridge, even, some say. Oh, is it in Boston or Cambridge? Cambridge. Oh, my bad.

Boy, boy. But no, I mean, this is, this was news. This was an organization with some. some wacky ideas. Why not write about it? I still think they're trolling, but... They reported that within just a few years of its founding, the organization had 40,000 members. That is... 40,000 members.

That is 39,000 too many. I can expect maybe a thousand people joining. They were becoming a very powerful organization, Norm. At one point, CINA members even picketed the White House. to protest the fact that JFK and Jackie O had nude horses. Did they have a logo? They did, and we will get to it in a moment. Oh, my God.

This is incredible. They shouted catchy slogans like, Decency today means morality tomorrow. And my personal favorite. A nude horse is a rude horse. Oh, that is good. One of the big early wins for Sinha was G. Clifford Prout Jr.'s appearance on the Today Show. What? What year? The 60s? I think this was 59, maybe early 60s.

I didn't know. The Today Show was on back then. Yeah. Man. Matt Lauer had just gotten into his antics. We're not talking about Matt Lauer on this show. We're only talking about dogs' buttholes. We talk about, you know, decent things. Matt Lauer was not deep. True. In that TV appearance, he argued that naked animals are, quote, destroying the moral integrity of our great nation. And, you know, when I think about what goes on in this house, that explains it. The animals have destroyed all of our moral integrity here. Okay, look, I will admit, there's some nights I'm trying to fall asleep and Doddy's in her bed, licking her butt hole.

Sure. And it's distracting. And I'm like, man, if only Doddy was wearing pajamas, this wouldn't happen. That's true. It's true. The Today Show appearance opened the door for other appearances on other TV shows. Oh, great. And actually, he ended up doing the Today Show a second time, and that time he sang the marching song for everyone.

Did he really? Yeah. I can't believe they have a marching song. Like, it's a freaking college or something. Why not? Norm, I think it's so weird that you're like, oh, it's so strange that this organization has an emergency clothesmobile where they screeched up and like stop a dog. But, you know, the marching song's too far? I think it's all weird, okay?

Okay, okay. This whole thing is weird and I still think it's made up. Okay, okay. It probably won't surprise you that Alan Abel was a. a huge fan of what G. Clifford Prout Jr. was doing. Yes, the man with the cow, he saw the bull banging the cow and he was horrified. Yeah. Alan was eager to be part of the organization. And he quickly rose through the ranks to become vice president of Sina. Congratulations, Alan. Proud of you. Great job. You are willing

and able. Ah! In that role, he did interviews with the media and he did. He did great because even when people made fun of him or laughed in his face, Alan clung to the Sinha talking points. In one interview, Alan tried to reframe nude animals as a safety risk. What? He said that a lot of car accidents occur. Oh, okay. Excuse me. Please listen.

Okay. Maybe you'll learn something. He said that a lot of car accidents occur because people are driving down the road, mine in their own business. they see a naked horse or maybe a naked cow. They get so distracted and then boom, drive right into a tree. You know what would be fucking distracting if I was driving down the road and I saw a fully clothed cow. If I saw a cow with old navy jeans on and a freaking hoodie. Hey, the cow doesn't need a hoodie.

That's unnecessary. I would crash my fucking car if I saw that. In fact, Alan said that Sinha believed that these car accidents were such a big problem that they had declared the Jersey Turnbook. They had declared the Jersey Turnpike a moral disaster. Shut up. What? Norm, I had the great privilege and honor of listening to a recording of a speech that Alan gave to potential Sina members. Okay.

I must say that the audience was not particularly common. kind to Alan. They laughed throughout his speech. I mean, yeah. But nevertheless, he persisted. I'd like to. Is that where we get that phrase from? That's where we get it from from this moment right here. It's incredible. What a brave man putting clothes on animals. No one wanted to do it until he stepped up. That's right. He should be on Mount Rushmore. Let's start the movement to get him up there. Mm-hmm. Why not? I'd like to read some highlights from that speech right now. Okay, so for starters, Alan began.

What's with your face right now? I just can't get over the whole, it's distracting to drive your car and see naked animals. No one. Yeah, you crash into a tree every time. It's a safety issue. Yeah, my car is just, it's broken all the time because a squirrel darts across the road. I'm like, dear God, that squirrel is naked. Put a bikini on that thing.

So Alan began his speech by talking a little bit about the history of Sinha and how the Prout family actually had a long history of putting clothing on animals. Really? He said, quote, G. Clifford Prout Jr. is president of Sinha. His ancestors can be traced back to the 12th century. The entire Prout dynasty had clothed horses that went into battle. Like full armor?

I mean, I guess that was normal back then to put armor on your horse. You know, horse was very important during battles back then. Well, as proof, he evidently, and I don't know this because I just heard the recording, but it seemed like he pulled out a photo from maybe the 1800s and explained that G. Clifford Prout's ancestor, Otis Prout, fought in the Civil War against the North and against the South. Oh, both. Okay. And when he said that, the audience laughed, and Alan got a little defensive. Hmm.

He explained that Sinha does a lot of speaking engagements in Southern schools, so they have to be careful about picking sides. Yeah. He said that Otis Prout wore a clothed horse in battle and actually wore blue trousers and a gray jacket, which you can interpret, quote, any way you want. He's admitting all this in his speech. What do you mean admitting? He's giving the history of Sina.

And Sina chooses to interpret it as this was a man who wasn't fighting against the North or against the South. He was fighting for decency. No, he wasn't. He's just very confused. Alan proudly told me... Well, I guess the horse is confused. Alan proudly told the audience that Otis Prout was so honorable that he once slapped General Ulysses S. Grant in the face

for drinking during the Battle of Gettysburg and live to tell about it. Okay. There's a few problems with that story. Norm, if you um actually me, I will not like it. I'm going to um actually. Ulysses... He saw General Ulysses S. Grant at the Battle of Gettysburg. Grant wasn't at Gettysburg.

He was drinking margaritas and Otis Prout said, uh-uh, uh-uh, buddy. Grant was not at Gettysburg. Well, obviously he was because he got slapped. He was laying siege to Vicksburg at the time in the West. Laying seed in Vicksburg. Siege. Siege. Put some pants on that man.

For D-Sency. He's a human. He had a seed in Vicks. He had pants. Now his little pet raccoon, yes. He had a pet raccoon? I don't know. Oh, okay.

Well, now you're just making stories up, which I don't appreciate. Okay. Alan went on to say that Otis Prout had delayed Pickett's charge of Cemetery Ridge for two full hours because he was trying to get everybody to put clothes on their horses. This is so stupid. Isn't it incredible to learn new facts about history? Like, you didn't know, you didn't know any of this. It's not trolling.

Some real gaps in your education. Tell me right now, is this man trolling? I will not tell you a GD thing. I think he's trolling. Okay. In the midst of the cruel laughter from the studio audience, Alan sadly reported that it wasn't a very successful charge and Mr. Prout was almost trampled to death, but you don't read about that in the history books.

Isn't it amazing what people leave out of history? Like, these amazing tales. It's incredible that he is selling this story. What do you mean selling this story? That, like, he's using it to recruit people to join Sinha. Okay, but you make it sound so... You make it sound so bad. You know, it's a free organization to join.

You know, he's not after anyone's money. He's just telling a... history tale, which is, you know, basically what we do. We're just telling these history tales. This is just like hunting Hitler. Would you like to hear the sad end to Otis Prout's service in the Civil War? You might fetch a hanky if you need one. What, did he see a group of horses and he passed out and hit a rock, hit his head on a rock?

Otis Prout walked into Colonel Mosley's camp when they were celebrating one of their victories. and Otis, he stood up on a barrel and declared, give me decency or give me death. Okay. And they shot him. Well, that's hilarious, actually. They shot him. I am sick of this fucking guy talking about clothes on the horses.

Just shoot them. Well, I mean, that is the danger when you say, give me something or give me death. You know, you might get the death. It's about standing up for what you believe in. That's right. That's what it's all about. A fully clothed horse. When it came time for Alan to talk about the type of person who joined Sinha, he once again got a little defensive, okay?

He explained that they had an in-depth emotional stability test that, quote, weeds out the crackpots and other undesirables. Okay. They don't want the weirdos. I get it. Okay. What's the test? Then, before we get there, he went on this highly unnecessary tangent about how they get a lot of strange people trying to join Senate. Maybe it was the name problem.

He referred to those folks as thrill seekers who just want to belong to something but can't get into anything. It's the hottest club in the nation. I've got to get in. When he called them thrill seekers, the audience just cracked up. Well, I mean, okay, well, based on the name of your society, thrill seekers could apply here. I'm looking to get nasty with some animals. Okay. It's called the Society for Indecency, two animals.

Naked animals, specifically, which is somehow way worse. The animal better be naked when I get there. He explained that, you know, when they get those weirdos who are just trying to join, they're just the thrill seekers. they just try to send them down to the Salvation Army, say, join up there. You know, we don't want any part of you. Yeah. Yeah, we only want the high society people, the classiest people. Yeah.

Alan also took the time to complain that a lot of people try to sign up to become a member of Sina, but they don't put their name on the application, and you have to put your name down, you know, if you want to be a member of Sina. Then he explained to the laughing crowd that as part of the application process, You know, people have to answer a few basic questions. Okay. Let's see. Do you have these questions?

Yes, I do. All right. Questions were, when were you first aware of naked animals? Also. Just the term naked animal is bizarre to me. Because it implies that there are clothed animals. Uh-huh. As there should be.

Also, what was your reaction when you first, saw the naked animal. Nothing. Were you surprised? No. Brightened? Please. Curious?

Pleased? Excited? Or? Orny? Okay. That or space, that's where you can fill in. You could write whatever you wanted. Right.

You could have written, when I first saw a naked animal, I was horny. Hmm. Another question. What type of animal did you see? Did you tell anyone? If so, whom? What did they say? Also, do you like animals?

Do animals like you? Can you sing the Star-Spangled Banner, Acapella? Okay, this is a prank. These were all relevant questions, and they were all part of the CENA membership application. Now, Norm, if we're looking for the most disrespectful part of this whole speech, we'd have the best bet finding it in the question and answer portion. Why are you looking at me like you've gone evil?

I'm just waiting for the big reveal when this is all a big joke. Well, you've been talking a lot about trolls? Yeah. You're about to hear from some trolls. Okay. This is when they came out of their bridges, okay? Oh, I'd be messing with these people so much. Absolutely.

If I was at this little. Okay, this is a good thing. Let's say you're in the audience. Yeah. And it's question and answer time. What question do you ask this guy? I mean, just what I've been talking about earlier, I'd be like, well, what about underwear? What about lingerie?

You're going to get arrested talking like that. He's for clothing the animals. I just want to further clothe them. Okay. First question was pretty basic. It's basically a question about where does Sinha draw the line? And Alan explained that Sina doesn't concern itself with anything that flogging. that flies or swims, but he did say that, quote,

certain amphibious animals are being investigated. And, you know, that prompted a lot of mocking laughter. Why not what, why not the birds or the fish? They're okay being naked? Well, it's a, you know, it's a small organization. They've got to start somewhere, Norm, okay? Okay, so we start with the dogs and the cats and cows, I guess. Absolutely cows.

Don't, I guess. I mean, that's where this Allen guy started. Yes. Alan would probably have a start with cows. One smart-ass woman asked a question about naked animals in movies. Would Sina do anything about that? And Alan explained quite reasonably, I think, quote, we have no objection to showing the cowboy riding a nude horse

because in the 19th century, Cowboys rode nude horses. It was part of the culture. Except Otis. Well, yeah, he was ahead of the time. He was way ahead. He died for it. He died for what he believed in.

He sure did. Up next, a very smug woman asked about the logo for Sinha, which featured a drawing of a lion. And she asked a little slyly, is that a clothed lion? Mm-hmm. And there was an awkward pause as Alan looked at the logo for the society for a little. decency to naked animals. Yeah. Which did include an unclothed lion.

Whoa. And he said, oh, funny, I never noticed that before. And the audience laughed and over there laughed or Alan said, Hey, it's just a symbol. It's an insignia. We can't be concerned about these things. We'd go crazy. And, you know, that made them laugh even harder.

I wonder if Sinna influenced a disson. dare because the dare lion has clothes on. No, just a shirt. Well, just a shirt. Okay, so they're talking, they want pants too. Well, no, the dare lion, I think there's a version of him with jeans on too. Probably created by Sinha. Yeah, here's one with him with, oh, this is like, oh, this might be sexy fan art.

Oh, my. Oh, yep. Yep, this is. Norm get off that website. This is furry fan art of the dare lion. Oh, no thanks. Oh, no, thanks. Oh, no.

Okay, I'm clicking off of that. Okay. Here's the Dareline with a Blue Lives Matter logo behind them. That's kind of cool. Oh, great. I might get that shirt. Anyway. Okay, yeah, Dare Lion, no pants.

But, hey, they're halfway there. He's got a shirt on. At one point, some dude had the nerve to, um, actually, Alan, about his civil war history. Oh, like I did? Yeah, some bullshit. about how that altercation with General Grant couldn't have happened where it did. And Alan had to admit that, you know, he'd never been the best history student. But if Otis Prout said he'd slap General Grant at the Battle of Gettysburg,

then by God, that's what happened. Then someone asked a question that Alan was fully prepared for, and I say he knocked this out of the park. The question was essentially, hey, animals have fur. That's their covering. Shouldn't we all agree that if they have fur, then they're covered? Basically, give it up. Exactly.

That is, that is, that's a great point. Okay. Here comes a better point, delivered by Alan. This is certainly a logical, legitimate question, which we've been asked many times, and we've answered many times. First of all, you suggest that since animals are born with fur, that this is a natural covering for protective reasons and for decent reasons. reasons, right? But I challenge you. You know there are people who are covered with hair. Now,

I've seen them in circuses. You have too, but there are lots of people who aren't in circuses who are covered with hair. Now, can you imagine one of those hairy covered persons walking down Market Street with just his hair? And a policeman comes up to him and says, pardon me, sir, but you know you're just walking around without clothes on. And he says, oh, no, I have hair. Look, you know, nothing indecent about me. How long do you think he'd walk on Market Street? Now, that's something for you to think about. Excellent point, Alan.

No notes. I don't know whether... All those freaks at the circus with their hair. I don't know whether Alan's speech actually garnered any new members. But I'm guessing by all the laughter and the rude questions that it didn't. But that didn't stop Sina. They kept going. In another interview, a member of Sina proudly announced.

that they had a lab in New Jersey that did nothing but take clothes on and off cows all day long. No, okay. They also said that... That would be a fun job, but no, it's not real. I think that'd be dangerous as hell. Like I said, for some reason, I want to hug a cow. I think, and then that would let me hug a cow every day. I get to put clothes on it every day.

A lab in New Jersey. This $400,000 is going a long way. Well, a lot of people are donating. Are you serious? People are donating money to this organization? I am very serious. Oh, God. Okay.

They also said that they're a very well-funded organization, sorry to rub that in, Norm, made a habit of flying planes over pastures and dropping down animal clothes for the farmers to put on their cows. Operation Dumbo drop. Undoubtedly. Oh, my God. Undoubtedly, Sinha's biggest news appearance was when Sina President G. Clifford Prout Jr. appeared on the CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite. Oh, dear God. As far as serious news shows went, this is it.

This was it. Yeah. Walter Cronkite was the anchorman for CBS Evening News for 19 years. He was universally respected opinion polls from the news. that time earned him the nickname the most trusted man in America. And now he's interviewing the president of Sinha. Yep, the man who won. He Body Awards, Emmys, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Born in St. Joseph, Missouri. Did you know that? Oh, I didn't know that. The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite was America's most watched news show. Landing an interview with Walter Cronkite was a really big deal for Sina. And for that interview with the Walter Cronkite, G. Clifford Prout spread the good word about covering up pussies, and by that I mean cat vaginas. And he even busted out a ukulele and sang the Cinnoc Marching song. It was quite a news segment.

This has to be a prank. I am waiting for the big reveal. Norm. What? This news segment. This was when Icarus flew. too close to the sun. Yep.

Because as G. Clifford Prout Jr. strummed away, a member of the CBS News crew was looking at him and looking at him and looking at him. Did he look familiar? He did. He was some sort of comedian, wasn't he? Some sort of funny guy. Think you're funny, buddy? Putting clothes on my cat?

By this point, Sinha had been around for several. years. This thing lasted years. It was nationally known. And although most people thought G. Clifford Prout Jr. was a nut. They also thought he was sincere. And that's why he was on

all those news shows. Because everybody thought we were laughing at him. And we were laughing at Alan. But that day, a member of the news crew was like, hang on a second. Do I know that guy? I know. I

know that guy. His name's not G. Clifford Prout Jr. Not long after the news segment wrapped up, the crew member went up to Mr. Prout and was like, Buck? Buck Henry? Is that you? Buck Henry? Who's Buck Henry? Who is Buck Henry indeed? And Buck Henry was like, bye. I exposed. Just like all those animals. Okay. Are you ready to find out what was actually going on this whole time. Yes, a prank. The truth is, Sina was a joke. A joke that got way out of control.

So people actually believed in this. So it was presented and, well, I'm just going to let you tell your story. Go ahead. Okay, for starters, Alan Abel was a real guy. And he really did drive down a Texas highway one afternoon and come to a complete stop because a bull and a cow were banging. And the truth is that he was amused by the way that everyone who had pulled over reacted to this simple act of nature.

Some people seemed genuinely horrified that animals were doing what animals do. Bangin. By that point in his life, Alan had tried to be a drummer, but that hadn't really panned out. And he was looking to start a career in comedy. So he wrote what he thought was an obviously satirical piece for the Saturday Evening Post. Uh-huh. And when that editor rejected it and didn't just reject it but was like, you're dumb. Ellen was like, wait, he believed me?

Yeah. So he wanted to keep it going, huh? Yeah. It gave Alan this idea. He was like, if I fooled an editor for the Saturday Evening Post, Who else can I fool? And what does it say about our current culture of censorship that I can say something as stupid as let's put boxer shorts on dogs? And people think I'm being for real. So he decided to challenge himself. Why not create a fake organization? So Alan and his wife, Gene, who became his comedy partner, studied up on conservative rhetoric. And they used that same rhetoric to create these pamphlets and talk. points for this fake organization. Oh, this is brilliant.

And so Alan did some radio and TV interviews himself, always under a fake name. So I was calling him Alan. He went by Bruce something. Yeah. But, you know, early on, the Today Show came knocking. And Alan was like, ooh, okay, I need someone to pose as G. Clifford Prout Jr. And for that job, he went to his friend, Buck Henry. He asked Buck to play the president of the fake organization. and Buck was amazing.

He was a natural performer and was just perfect at saying ridiculous things with a completely straight face. So Alan made up the G. Clifford Prout story with the Will and all that. Yes. Well, Alan and his wife did.

Yes. Yeah. And to make things even better, Buck was unemployed at the time. So he had all the time in the world to go on random news shows and tell people to put shorts on horses. Okay, now.

This is an amazing job. I would love this. Does the name Buck Henry sound familiar? It kind of does. Okay. That's because he later went on to become a huge name in comedy. He co-wrote the graduate. Really?

He co-created Get Smart with Mel Brooks. What? He hosted Saturday Night Live 10 times. Holy, what the hell? But that was a really long time. ago. Yeah. If you want a more modern reference, he played Liz Lemon's dad on 30 Rock. Really? Yeah, isn't that cool? That's amazing. So this was like his breakthrough in comedy? Kind of, yeah. I mean, he didn't, he, these were just two guys struggling, hoping to find careers in

comedy. And they did this. But they did it for years. So it just got more and more dangerous because Buck like became a more, I don't want to call him an established performer because that's probably a little too strong for what he was doing in the early 60s. But like, you know, it was getting to the point where he couldn't just go on any news show and guarantee that he wouldn't be recognized.

Wow. So Sina was all a big joke. And it is now considered a legendary prank on the media because literally every major media outlet fell for it and they fell for it again and again and again for years. And freaking Walter Cronkine interviewed the guy. Yes. That's nuts.

In an interview that Alan gave in 2014, he talked about how at first the Cina hoax was just pure fun, just like hilarious, joyful fun. But then it snowballed. And it started to feel kind of out of control. And after a few years, it wasn't so fun anymore. And the breaking point came not long after that Walter Cronkite interview. Buck evidently called Alan up and was like, hey man, I'm surrounded by reporters. They're really angry. They want to know whether Sina is real or it's all a joke.

Like, I can't leave. Like, I can't go get dinner. Like, I'm stuck. What do you want me to do? And Alan told him, you know what? We've had a great ride. Just tell them the truth. Yeah.

So. Oh, it was fun while it lasted. I bet. I bet it was so much fun. I would love to come up with something like this. Really? Yeah. Do you think you could pull it off with a straight face?

I think so. I bet you could too. Well, no. Well, here's a big problem. The problem is like, I'm kind of famous already from my YouTube channel. Oh, wow. So I don't know if I could be the spokesperson, but I would love to, like, come up with some fake bullshit organization. I bet you could get away with it.

How? I don't know. This day and age with the. internet? I just don't know if you could. And someone is handsome and famous as me? Okay. I mean, this... Don't say okay like that.

Okay. You're not the other. No, that's not what I'm saying. You're very handsome. Oh. It is kind of interesting to think about like, yeah, maybe that makes this story even cooler. Maybe this couldn't happen today. Or maybe a much different version could happen today.

I could do... I feel like a much different version could happen. Bikinis for snakes. Yeah. Cover up them snakes. Mm-hmm. So those indecent sexy snakes Put bikinis on them

And everyone's gonna be like I think this guy wants to fuck a snake These goddamn sexy snakes They make me so horny So a reporter for Time magazine Was the first to reveal That Sina was in fact a hoax And that came out on March 15th,

1963 Oh damn So four years this thing lasted Well and I think Alan kept doing it on and off Just because, you know, not everybody read that Time Magazine piece. Sure, see we can get away with. So with the hoax out in the open, Alan was able to talk more about the pitfalls of starting a fake, ridiculous organization.

And he talked about how Walter Cronkite reacted when he realized he'd put a fake story on the air. Alan said, when Cronkite eventually found out that he'd been conned and I was the guy behind it, he called me up. I'd never heard him that angry on TV. Not about Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Fidel Castro. He was furious with me. Yeah, you made him look stupid. He made him look bad, yeah. Yeah, you pointed out a flaw.

It's laziness. You know, everyone thinks they're laughing at you. Oh, this guy's a nut. Ha, ha, ha. It didn't occur to anybody that he was laughing back at them. Yeah. Alan talked about how surprising it was. some people actually took Sinha seriously.

That parade that I told you about with the float. Yeah. He had nothing to do with that. That happened? That really happened. Okay, I was going to ask. Somebody really did that, and he had nothing to do with it. Someone actually made the parade float.

Now, what about the song? Oh, they made that up. Okay. But the thing about Sina chapters popping up all over the United States, that apparently happened. That is just what. He said people really did donate money to the organization. The biggest donation Sinha ever received came from a woman in Santa Barbara who sent him a check for $40,000.

Adjusted for inflation, that's $430,000. What? Yes. Did she leave a note? What do you mean a note? Here's why I'm sending you $40,000. She agreed with what they were doing. But he did not accept it.

Yeah, please. Okay, well, that's good. Well, I mean, really, he was afraid. Well, that would get you in trouble. Well, and that was the thing is like, I'm sure partly he didn't accept because he just wouldn't do that. But the other big thing was he was like, okay, eventually we're going to get caught. And if people find out that I took money for this, I'm going to go to prison for fraud. I'm not trying to do that.

I'm trying to play a prank on people. Right. So the Sino hoax was over. It had been glorious. It cemented Alan Abel as a legendary prankster. He'd made fools out of the biggest names in media. And you might think that this big multi-year-long prank would mean that Alan couldn't possibly pull off another prank again. You'd be wrong.

I was going to ask what did he go on to do, but it sounds like he's going to keep pranking people. Okay. There are honestly too many pranks for me to name all of them. Okay. I'm going to give you a pretty good handful of some that stand out. Some are more outlandish than others. Okay, for example, in the 70s, if a journalist wanted to do an outrage piece about the economy and entitled people and all that, well, they were thrilled to discover that a man named Omar Rockford ran his very own school for beggars.

Omar's school for beggars. That's right. This totally real man ran a school where he taught people how to get money from strangers. He advocated for smarmy tactics like smearing ketchup on your arm and acting like you've been injured. And it's the perfect thing because no one's going to taste it. That's what he said. No one's going to lick your arm. I mean, it's a good point. He talked at like a breakneck clip almost as if he was on drugs, maybe. it was all so wrong and so outrageous.

And yes, Omar was willing to be interviewed on camera, provided that he be allowed to wear, you know, what can only be described as like a KKK hood, but it's black and it doesn't really have a point. He did a lot of interviews before Omar's School for Beggars was exposed as a hoax. I mean, you can just picture this, right? These news anchors being like, well, wait a minute. Everyone's so outraged.

Yeah. With this ridiculous. School for beggars. Yeah. And he even had, he invited the media to come watch one of his classes. He just had like actors and friends in there. Man. This is a very like chop and steel-esque.

Yes. No wonder you're doing this. I love this. Yeah. Some of Alan's biggest hoaxes were the ones he pulled off with his wife, Gene. together they launched a presidential campaign for Yetta Bronstein. Yetta Bronstein ran for president in 1964, 1968, and 1972. Who's Yeta Bronstein?

Oh, I'm glad you asked. Is this a made-up person? Why, how dare you? She was a Jewish housewife from the Bronx who ran on a platform of instituting national bingo tournaments, putting truth serum in the Senate drinking fountain, and also having politicians walk through metal and mental detectors. Oh, yeah. Her campaign slogan, vote for Yeda. Things will get better.

It's catchy. Yeda was not real, but she grabbed a ton of headlines. And when news outlets wanted a photo of her, Alan sent them a photo of his real life mom. And when newspaper reporters wanted to talk to her, Gene would just hop on the phone and do a funny voice. Sure. And if, God forbid, someone called about doing a TV interview, Alan, who claimed to be Yetta Bronstein's campaign manager, would tell the TV station that Yetta couldn't do the interview because she was in bed with swollen ankles. Oh, that's so good. Alan and Gene were a powerful comedic duo.

They made a mockumentary called Is There Sex After Death? which Gene edited, they had a lot of trouble promoting the film, partly because a lot of newspapers at that time wouldn't print the word sex in the newspaper. So literally the title of their movie could not be promoted. Right. So they got a little sneaky. To promote the film, they sent out press releases advertising a sex bowl, where couples would have sex in front of a black tie audience.

And the audience would judge who would have. the best sex. It would be the Sex Olympics, basically. Can you imagine if that was an Olympic event? Oh, my God. Sex. I mean, everybody would tune in. Oh, it would be the most watched program in the history of the Olympics.

You know it would. I mean, yeah. You know, the 1904 Olympics probably would have been a lot less problematic if they'd just done sex instead of human zoos. Think on that for a while. it would also just be a bunch of dudes banging each other as well. Because remember, there was only five women that competed in the 1904 Olympics. You don't think they'd let a few women in for the Sex Olympics, Norm? You're probably right.

Okay, all right. If they're doing the Sex Olympics, yeah. So they start advertising for this Sex Bowl, but they also hired protesters to protest the Sex Bowl, because, you know, it's just too outrageous. Yeah. So they're covering this on all sides. This generated a ton of buzz, and wouldn't you know it, a lot of people wanted to attend the Sex Bowl.

The line was around the quarter of a free sex show. And when they got there to witness the Sex Bowl, they of course just watched the mockumentary. Oh, I bet there are some angry, horny men in that audience. I mean, there was a lot of nudity in the mockumentary, so they couldn't have been too mad. Yeah. In 1974, Alan and Gene made another mockumentary called The Faking of the President. It was all about Richard Nixon, and they hired a look-alike and edited real Nixon speeches to make him sound ridiculous. And to get the media interested, they sent out a press release that they knew would get reporters talking.

They told journalists, hey, you show up at this place at this time, and we will have a former White House employee present. and he is going to share the missing 18 and a half minutes from the Watergate tapes. Oh. Okay, so I mean, this press conference was packed. Of course it was. Was it just a bunch of, like, toilet noises for 18 minutes? They waited with bated breath only for Alan to show up wearing that stupid black hood over his head. Oh, no.

And he went to play the tape for all the reporters. And holy shit, nothing happened. And he was like, oh, my God, those 18 and a half minutes are missing from my tape, too. Oh, guess I wasted your time. And then he left. I don't know what happened after that. He just, like, got their attention and wasted their time. This guy, so he just became a professional prankster.

But how do you make money off this? Oh, that's a good question. We'll get to it. All right. Another time, Alan wrapped his head in bandages, put on a suit and a pair of gloves, called a press conference and claimed to be Howard Hughes. Oh, boy. At that point, Howard Hughes was known to be very eccentric and reclusive. Afraid of germs.

Yeah. Yeah. I think he wore, maybe this is just on the Simpsons, but he wore, like, tissue boxes on his feet. Is that real? I know Mr. Burns did that. At the fake press conference, Alan Abel. posing as Howard Hughes, announced that he was going into chirogenics and that he'd be thawed out in 30 years when the air would be much cleaner and the stock market would be higher.

And the media reported that story. They bought it hook, line, and singer. They thought he was Howard Hughes? He looked way younger than Howard Hughes, probably. He was covered in bandages. He covered his entire face. He really, these were elaborate pranks. So that even journalists who were like doing kind of the best,

basic fact-checking, like, he would usually have a few things covered. Alan had a lot of fun at the expense of traditional news media, but he also had a lot of fun with talk shows because he thought talk shows were really freaking stupid. So he decided to make them more stupid. He went on the Jenny Jones show with a woman he'd hired to play his wife, and he complained that she had glued his penis to his butt while he was sleeping. Oh, God. That's great. Arguably, his biggest talk show moment came in 1985.

That year, Phil Donahue moved his show from Chicago to New York. It was a big deal. There was all this hoopla about the fact that now that he's in New York, it's going to be live. At front of a live studio audience airing live, oh, my gosh, anything can happen. What's going to happen? We don't know. And Alan's just like, this is amazing. I'm going to take advantage of this.

So he created a plan. A plan was called Fight Against Idiotic Neurotic Television, aka Faint. Mm-hmm. So for that first live show in New York, Alan had seven people in the audience of the Phil Donahue show. The episode was about gay senior citizens. You know, people were going to, I guess, come out. On TV. Senior citizens specifically.

Yes. Yes. And like all good talk shows of its time, the Phil Donahue show provided audience members with an opportunity to stand up and ask a question of the guests. Do you remember this part of those shows? Yeah, of course. So, you know, one woman, she had a question. So Phil goes over to her with the microphone, and as soon as he put the microphone in front of her, she, oh! Fainted!

It was shocking. Everyone was like, oh, my God, what just had? happened. But they got her help and then Phil went to someone else who had a question. And then they fainted. Oh, so he hired all these people to be in the audience. And another person and another one. And another one bites the dust. And another one down. Another one faints away. So here's the funny thing. Alan only had seven actors in the audience that day. But like 12 people fainted in the audience. What? He said it must have been like psychosomatic or like people got. Bizar. Isn't that wild? But this was a live TV disaster. People kept fainting until they evacuated the studio audience. They finished the episode in an empty room and wrapped it up early.

That's, that's wild. Have you ever seen videos of goats fainting? Of course I have. Oh, man. It's hilarious. When they get spooked, they faint. Boy, they faint big time. They go stiff. Yeah, and they just boom. Yeah. It's great. man, this is a wild story you're telling me. You ready for some more? Mm-hmm.

Another time, HBO was doing a documentary called Private Dix Exposed, and they ran an ad with an 800 number you could call to see if you wanted to be part of a documentary about penises. And Alan was like, oh, yes, please. And he was like, I know. Well, he was like, I know that all these other dudes who call in are going to have huge penises and they're going to want to brag about their huge penises

and they're going to try to use this as like a cool thing for themselves. Sure. He's like, I know how I will guarantee that I am in this documentary. And he called up and he's like, I've got the smallest penis in the entire world. And they were like, come on down.

We got to see this. So he shows up. He does the interview. And then they're like, okay, well, will you show us? Will you show us? Everybody else has showed us. Yeah. And he's kind of like, well, I'm sure everybody else has showed you, but, you know, kind of go back and forth.

And then finally, Alan looked around kind of at the crew. It's like 25 people there. And he goes, okay, I'll get naked. But only if we can all have group sex afterward. And they were like, ew, no, never mind. And then he didn't have to get naked. This guy's a professional troll. Yeah.

Before, like, trolling was even. Yeah, I mean, he, he. is kind of a trailblazer. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to ask again, how is he making money doing this? Okay, I'll go ahead and tell you. He's not. This is for passion.

He and his wife were never financially comfortable. They had freedom, and that was really important to them. But it's funny, like, all these shows benefited from having him on. Yeah. You know, he was always a headline grabber that filled on a Hugh show. Phil Donahue was pissed when he realized he'd been pranked. But then the ratings for that show were sky high because it was such a news event. Like all these people fainted.

Why did they faint? Oh my God, it's a hoax. Well, that makes this even like wilder that he was doing this. Like, because they were so intricate and detailed and some of them were pretty complex. And it wasn't for money. It was just to fuck with people. It was never about the money. It was about an opportunity to perform.

Yeah. And I think he liked to mess with people. Yeah. I also like, I'm not a doctor, but I'm calling it. This man has ADHD out the wazoo. You think so? Yeah, because I have a feeling or I got the sense that he's the type of guy who does something, gets really good at it. And like, you're getting to the point where maybe you could turn this into something.

something and he's like, I'm bored. I'm going to do something else. You ready for another one? Yep. In the late 90s, he started an organization called Citizens Against Breastfeeding on the grounds that breastfeeding is incestuous. He once again made this is like going back to his roots. Oh, yeah. He made the rounds on the news, protested the 2000 Democrat National Convention, arguing that the naughty nipple is what's responsible for all that is wrong with the world. Kind of like those naked animals.

Right. In one news interview, he claimed that mothers are getting erotic experiences by breastfeeding. He said that he had interviewed hundreds of breastfeeding mothers and that after about two hours of interrogation, those ladies had admitted that they'd had erotic feelings while breastfeeding. So all just made up stats. All completely made up. And people bought it?

Oh, absolutely. Man. So this one, I have to admit, I did not like as much because, you know, the people getting mad are women. Women who have to deal with bullshit because, I mean, that's the annoying thing, is that there are people who are weird about breastfeeding and want to sexualize breastfeeding. Sure, yeah. And so, you know, women would get really mad at him. And, oh, God, that's the one where I'm like. like I want to reach through the screen and be like, he's just a troll.

Save your anger. Right. But maybe there's a lesson there for all of us that we don't have to take. I mean, you're thinking someone's an asshole. Maybe just don't take them seriously. Mm-hmm. But that could be a dangerous thing to do. Oh.

I remember at one of my old jobs, we moved to like a new area of the building. And there was a room near our little cubicle section. Yes. And I'd be working and I would always hear like a baby crying. Someone left their baby unattended. And I remember I went to my coworkers. I was just like, whose baby is that? Like there's some baby crying in that other room.

And my coworker had to explain to me that that was the breastfeeding room. And that is a way for mothers to help them pump milk. You were an innocent young boy, Norm. I was. I was like, I was like, I was like, really? Does that work? Well, yeah. I was, well, that's what I said at the time. Yeah. Really? And then you said, you know what? This seems incestuous. I'm not on board. I said, that is disgusting. And by the way, did you see that squirrel outside?

Completely naked. A lot of bad shit going on on here. I am horrified and turned on. After so many decades of pulling off hoaxes, Esquire magazine reached out to Alan about doing a profile on him. But at some point, they must have decided that it'd be way funnier if instead of doing a profile, they worked with him on a fake article for their April Fool's issue. Seems appropriate. They ran it as if it was a real story. And I love it. So here's the gist of it. The story is, Alan posed as an eccentric Texas millionaire named Irwin Lieba. And if there's one thing you need to know about Irwin, it's that he hates fat people. In fact, Erwin hates fat people so much that he proposes that the federal government create weigh-in stations for every American citizen.

And every year we all get weighed. And if you need to pay the fat tax, then that's what you got to do. He argued that this would be the perfect way to get rid of the deficit and get everyone skinny. Because to quote Irwin, it's economics 101. The only thing people hate more than being fat is taxes. So this character believes a way to get people to lose weight is to force them to pay taxes if they're overweight. Yep. And also it fixes the deficit, Bing, Bang, Boom.

Great idea. Now. Fantastic. What I love about this is the journalist wrote about the irony, which is that Irwin slash Allen is not a particularly fit guy. Okay, I was going to ask. This is my favorite part. Yeah. He is fat himself.

Yeah. So the journalist wrote about how he'd purposely set up their interview at a McDonald's just to get, or when riled up, because, you know, this is such a passionate issue for him. Okay. I would like to read to you directly from that article. Okay. To provoke him, and also because I'm hungry, I'm nibbling on a large order of fries while we talk. It's funny already. I'm in the middle of a question about.

his libertarian critics, when he reaches across the table, grabs a handful of my fries, and shovels them into his mouth. I'm floored. It's like I just watched the drugs are take a bong hit. Before he has even swallowed, he slams his fist on the table and curses himself, Irwin, you're a goddamn good-for-nothing hog-fucker. He pulls out a billful, thick with Franklin's, and counts out four of them, then reaches over and tucks them into my breast pocket.

Hog fucker. So the idea is that Irwin is basically this self-hating guy who, you know, loves to eat, and he's created this system for himself. Whenever he eats an unhealthy food, he has to pay a ton of money, and that's what he thinks the rest of the American public should be forced to do. So, I mean, it's so. So funny. And once again, I think, you know, he's playing on people's fat phobia.

He's playing on gullibility. A ton of people fell for this prank. And a lot of weirdos were like, yeah, it's a good idea, actually. Yeah, of course, yeah. And apparently Esquire was like inundated with phone calls from bodybuilders who were really pissed off that this plan that Irwin had would involve the BMI. And they're like, hey, no, we're really bribed. You've got to rethink the formula and as far as like, dude, this isn't real. Yeah, I've got a big buff, big buff friend who always complains about VMI.

According to BMI, I'm morbidly obese. Yeah, calm down, buddy. But then the Washington Post, like a turd in the punch bowl, just ruins the party by announcing that they had looked into it. It looked into Irwin. Yeah, and it's a hoax. I love the Esquire did that, though. Oh, it was so funny. But, yeah, so as we've already talked about, this did not make him much money.

He and Gene ended up losing their home at one point. Oh, man, that's, I wish there was a way. See, this is why, you know, Patreon. You're right. Imagine if he had a Patreon. Oh, if he had a Patreon, he would have been good. You can vote on my next prank. Well, and he did have some donors who backed him.

wrote a couple books about about himself and he did the mockumentaries but i just don't think it was ever sure you know quite enough but it was funny to look at some of the analysis so his daughter did a documentary about him called abel raises cane and one of the journalists who had been fooled by him was interviewed for it and he kind of described what alan does as like intellectual graffiti in that it's like graffiti in that, yes, graffiti is art, but the establishment doesn't like graffiti. But they have to accept that it's art. Right. And he's like, Alan Abel's pranks and hoaxes on the media, it's kind of the same way. It's intellectual graffiti. And yes, some of us hate it, but it's art. It is. Creativity. Yeah, it's, it's super creative, super creative. It was his opportunity to perform and his opportunity

to teach some lessons. And I'd like to close with a lesson that he taught us in death. So several years ago, Universal Pictures reached out about wanting to do a movie based on his life. And, you know, they wanted to buy the rights. Yeah. And, you know, Alan was interested in the opportunity. So he flew out there for the meeting. And he ended up in an elevator with two of the attorneys for Universal.

But they didn't know who he was. So they're just talking. and Alan realized that they were talking about him. And they were joking that they should just wait until he dies so that they could buy his life story for next to nothing. Oh. And not long after that meeting, Alan Abel died. Damn.

His obituary ran in the New York Times. It was reported that Alan died of a heart attack while he was scouting locations for a horror movie. The name of that horror movie was, Who's going to bite your neck, dear, when all of my teeth are gone? Did he write this obituary? He wasn't dead. Oh, what?

Pranked you! Oh, man, he got me. I was feeling a little sad over here. After all the obituaries ran, he held a news conference to announce that he was alive. And he joked that faking his own death had been a tremendous undertaking. Oh. He really, he had friends lie on his behalf. He'd even put a down payment on a wake so that if any, if the New York Times like called and checked it out, like they could talk to an undertaker who was really just his buddy.

He had a phone line set up for this. Wow. Newspapers were very annoyed and very embarrassed. Got him again. Wow. Alan Abel actually died 40 years after he faked his own death. He passed away in 2018. He was 94 years old.

And this time, the New York Times triple-checked their sources. I bet. His obituary ran under the headline. Alan Abel, hoaxer extraordinaire, is on good authority, dead at 94. And that is the story. of a legendary prankster. Ooh. That's wild.

Isn't that kind of amazing? It's hilarious. Yes. Yeah. Great job, Kristen. That story's right up your alley. I mean, I don't even know how I came across that story, but I was just... How did you?

It was in one of those, like, old... There was like a book of... An old book of pranks and hoaxes that was, like, in the library. And it was one of those books that was so old that it talked about Alan Abel as if like we all know who that is. Because at one point, you know, he was a pretty big deal. But I was just like, I've never heard of this guy. He and I was just, I was stunned that he tricked all the big names in media with such a ridiculous premise. Yeah.

So many times. See all the great things that happen when you go to the library. So many great things. Having fun isn't. Hard. When you've got a library card. Singing with me, folks. That's what's also great about an old-timey podcast, is that we can do a five-part look at

the life of Pocahontas and then talk about a fake organization that wanted to put clothes on animals. And they did. In many ways, they did. Okay now. Okay now. We have reached the time in our program where we go to our Discord. That's right.

And this month I asked the question, what's your worst holiday gift? Tell us all about it. And now we are going to read some of your answers. Well, before we get into these answers, Kristen, can you think of your worst Christmas gift? God, I can't. Can you? It might be grandma's singing magnets. Yeah, I thought you liked the singing magnet.

They're entertaining for like two seconds, but here's the thing. My grandma and grandpa would always send us pretty nice gifts every year. And so this expectation of like what we were getting happened. And then one year we just got singing magnets and that was it. And I was just like, oh, okay. But like I don't think I've ever gotten like a truly awful gift. Yeah. So you can't think of one?

I can't think of one. Is it one I gave you, Kristen? All right, go ahead and tell the story, but I ruined your Christmas. Everyone. A couple years ago, Norm got me a jug of iced coffee for Christmas, and that was it. Now, wait a minute, let's add some context. Don't make me pull out the context shirt. Please do, okay.

We each got each other one gift. Right. That was the rule. Mm-hmm. And I think we had even had a money limit, right? I don't think so. Don't think so? I don't think so.

Well, anyway, Kristen loves iced coffee. I do. Loves, loves, loves, loves iced coffee. And so I found this iced coffee company that sells you like this giant box of iced coffee. It was supposed to be really good. It was like, I was like, oh, if she really likes it, maybe she can do their subscription program. They'll send you this every month. Yeah.

And so, yes, I got her a giant box of iced coffee. I guess she didn't appreciate it, history host. Everyone, I was such a baby. I think it was just an expectations thing, much like the singing magnets. And I do like iced coffee. But yeah, I think I held it together, and then I went and cried. She did. It'll be lonely this Christmas.

I cried as I sipped my jug of iced coffee. coffee. She did, and she really enjoyed the ice coffee. She just wanted more. We have created clearer expectations about gifts. Yeah, much healthier. Much healthier. It's a much healthier way to do things. Yeah. That way no one's crying in the bathroom on Christmas Day saying, I'm fine, really. All right. So we've answered, now what do the history host say in our discord. Oh, Fan Kalin has a great answer. My great-grandma

gave me Victoria's secret pink undies in a box that said yummy. Ew. From Great Grandma. Oh, my. Maddie the Menace says, my sister gave me two dead AA batteries in a shoe box. Granted, it was

an inside joke referencing the Spongebob episode where Mr. Crabs puts dead batteries in his pocket to give Pearl for Christmas and SpongeBob thinks he's a robot, but it's still one of the funniest bad presents I've ever gotten. Ooh, Horno for DeJorno, great username, says, an ex bought me the exact same dress and shoes that his mom had. Oh.

We broke up a few weeks later. Yeah. Listen, imagine if I bought you an outfit that my mom wore. I mean, I had a boyfriend once who bought a pair of, of earrings for me and a matching hair for his mom. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, I think it's just like, I don't really know what to get people. Oh, here's this one thing.

My mom says she thinks Kristen's really going to like it. You know what? Bing, bang, boom. Maybe she'll like it. Yeah, she'll like it too. Yeah. Easy peasy. Tilda Lutie said,

one year when I was 10, I got a chess set. I had no interest in playing chess. There's still a picture of me crying while holding my gift. Not chess, anything but that. On the opposite spectrum, do you remember that video of the kids getting a Nintendo 64? Yes. Glorious. My fair is when he raises his fist in the air.

He's like, yes! Well, you remember that feeling as a kid? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would have loved a Nintendo 64. Yeah. That would have been very special. Potential Future Topics says, I was born on Christmas morning

and my mom once gave me a card that said I was one of the best gifts she's ever gotten. One of the best. Thanks, Mom. That's all you got? Damn. What?

Hopped up on Earl Gray said I had put on some pounds over COVID, who among us didn't, and my ex-girlfriend gave me a scale for Christmas. Oh, you can't do that. Fuck off. No. No. No, that's the worst.

You are out of here. Yep, you gotta go. Here's how I'm gonna lose some dead weight. Get out. Hey, there you go. I don't need the scale. Vandalay Industry says a clearly used Hello Kitty shirt that was two sizes too big.

I have never shown interest in Hello Kitty as I am an adult. Hey, those Hello Kitty characters are very cute, but yeah that is an odd gift Spill the Bean says A girl I grew up with gave me a picture of herself We did not get along and fought all the time That is a strange gift Oh no

Doodle Lou says my dad got me one of those blankets From Facebook ads That says something like Don't you ever look sideways of my daughter Or you'll be in a grave It fell apart in the first wash and was super ugly, and he was simultaneously running up credit cards in my mom and grandma's name to buy the junk from Facebook. Oh, that is the worst.

Oh, Facebook. Anything from those Facebook ads. Yeah, my mom got duped by a Facebook ad. She thought it was Carhart. Turns out it was Charshart. Hey. Hey. Yeah, my mom bought us stuff from what she thought was Carhart.

Right. And I remember we were home and she was like, your gifts are going to be late because they're coming from China. And we were all like, what is this? I just thought, what in the world are we getting? And they arrived. And yeah, they were bootleg car heart jackets. I mean, mine, the car heart sticker was like, well, sorry, let me backtrack. It was just a car heart sticker on like a generic jacket.

Yeah. Yeah. My poor mom. She was so embarrassed, but... I mean, yeah, it sucks to get scammed. Yeah. Well, I asked her, like, where did you buy these? And she was like, I saw this Facebook ad for it,

and I thought they looked really cute and comfy. Yeah. To be fair, they did look very cute and comfy in the ad if they were actual car hearts, but yeah. The ads always look good. California says, when I was 16, my grandmother gave me one of those giant Barbie heads that you're supposed to like braid her hair and whatever.

Oh, I had one of those. I loved it. Really? She said, I know you were getting interested in like beautician things. Your mom said you wanted stuff like this. What I had actually asked for was cosmetics, fenty, plenty, beneath, makeup. Instead, I got a practice head where makeup was applied by using hot and cold water. Oh.

It's funny now, but at the time I was so mad. Wait, how old was she? 16. Oh, oh yeah, I had that when I was like six. I loved it when I was six. Big difference. Yeah. Brooke isn't famous says,

One year I got the free $5 gift card that came with the purchase of my sister's gift from Barnes & Noble. Oh. That hurts. Is that it? That's what she got. Oh. Oof. Electris says in 2020, my wife of 17 years asked for a divorce.

Oh. That was the worst present ever. Then when it was finalized the following December, it turned out it was the best present ever. Oh, I love a happy ending. That's right. I mean, that would be a terrible Christmas. It would be a horrible Christmas, but it's one of those things. If somebody wants to dump you or end a relationship, it's always for the best.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And you can just sing, it'll be lonely this Christmas. Yeah, sing it to them when they request a divorce. That's your instant reaction. And they'll say, what am I saying? I've got to stay with you. And you're like, nope, you already said it.

No takebacks. Meaty boy keto diet said, A few years ago, my uncle pulled me to a side room and gave me a pocket pussy. As a young gay man, I thought it was funny, but a weird gift threw it into my suitcase to hide from my parents and forgot about it. Until TSA at the airport pulled me to the side to go through my bag, oh no, because they saw something suspect on the x-ray machine. Very small airport with only one security line, so everyone was behind me while TSA went through my bag, proceeded to pull out a giant pink pocket pussy out of my suitcase.

I don't know who was redder. Me or the TSA agent. Embarrassment was palpable. Oh, no. TSA. Oh, no. Remember when TSA searched your suitcase, like your suitcase kept going off in the, in the, in the security.

Every time we traveled. Yeah. And it was always that hotel security door lock thing. Yes. And it was pink. Yes. Because it was for women, I guess, on Amazon. Yeah.

And they thought it was like some weird sex handcuff thing you had. The most embarrassing part was I kept getting stopped at TSA and they would go through all my stuff. They'd finally get to that thing and they'd look at it and look at it and look. look at me and I'd explain what it was and they'd give me a weird look and then send me on my way. And finally, I think I just asked the Kansas City airport guys like, or I think I just said it's not a weird sex thing. And he laughed in a way that indicated that he absolutely did think it was a weird sex thing. And so I was like, just throw it away. Because I mean, that's too embarrassing.

Yeah. Go ahead and break into my hotel room at this point. I'm too embarrassed to protect myself. This is better than getting stopped by the TSA every time. Crystal D. 1999 says, I remember my worst Christmas gift and I'm still pissed about it. My husband gave me a little box that I thought was a new wedding ring. It was instead a picture of the ring he was going to have made for me. You want to know what I've never gotten?

It was at least 10 years ago. Oh. That sucks. Yep. I would be every morning, hey, where's that ring? Every damn morning. Because it's like, because you know. Like he never intended to actually get that ring made.

I mean, if it's a picture of what you're getting, it's one thing, if it's a dog and here's the picture of the dog, I couldn't put it under the tree. Sure, that makes sense. But like a ring. You're saying that ring should have been in that box in the first place. It should have been in the box. Or there should have been like, you know, sorry there was a delay. You're getting it on this date. But just a picture of it.

Oh, no. What? Mira Ferris says, My mom sent me a present with perishable food three to four months late. I got moldy bagels. Oh, no. In addition to food that contained milk, which she knew I could not eat. Oh.

moldy bagels I would love to know the thought process of shipping milk Oh Lornavich says A Teethwitening Kit Dot dot dot dot it was slanderous Oh well your sister Kyla asked for a teeth whitening I asked for Christmas She said I want a teeth whitening kit

I was like are you sure And also do you want something else because that's like 20 bucks It's pretty simple yeah But as long as someone's requesting it All right. Sardino 8.83. My mother consistently gives me peanut butter santa's in my stocking. I am deathly allergic to peanut butter.

Oh my God. Merry Christmas, daughter. You get death. What the hell? Oh. That's pretty thoughtless. I think it's time to sit down with mom and have a little talk. Yeah.

No more peanut butter Santas. I'm sure. In fact, mom, maybe just don't give me. Any gifts. I'd rather avoid death. Thank you very much. Mom, give me the char fart. I'll take the char fart any day.

That's right. By the way, I just thought of our fake organization that will make us famous. Okay. I think we try and make pig butter a real thing. Gross. We have a monthly pig butter subscription. We'll send you a new flavor every week. month. We joked about this, but what if we pitched it as like, we're serious? We have finally

developed pig butter. What if we go on Shark Tank? Yes, and pitch it to Mark Cuban. Yes. I think that would be really funny to scam that show. Yeah. What's that guy then? Kevin Larry. Kevin O'Leary. Kevin O'Leary. Uh-huh. It's like, this is, this is fascinating. What are your, margins? What's your profit on, on each stick of butter? We say, well, we have some samples here we'd like you to try. They vomit. And we just, we'll just take normal butter and add like whipped cream to it or something. No, I don't want it to taste good.

Oh, okay. Well, we're going to have to workshop this a little bit. I can tell you right now. Okay. All right. Let's wrap it up. All right. Thank you all for being patrons.

Thank you very much for this holiday bonus episode. We're coming to the end of the year. Thank you for all your support this year. We launched the podcast this year. So, isn't that? It's been an exciting year. And next year, we're going to podcast even harder. Even harder.

Mm-hmm. Well, Kristen, you know what they say about history hoes. We always cite our sources. That's right. For this episode, I got my information from the documentary, Abel Raises Cain, the album Inside Cinnah, as well as reporting from the Harvard Crimson, the New York Times, NPR, Esquire, and Mental Floss. That's all for this episode. Thank you for listening to an old.

Old Timey Podcast. Please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. And while you're at it, subscribe. Support us on Patreon, which you already do. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook and TikTok at Old Timey Podcast. Join the Reddit community, R-slash Old Timey Podcast. And follow us individually on Instagram. I'm at Kristen Pitts-Karuso.

He's at Gaming Historian. And until next time, Tudaloo, Atata, and cheering. you. Goodbye. Bye.