An Old Timey Podcast - 89: The Assassination of President James Garfield (Part 1)

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

James A. Garfield was a remarkable man. He was an academic. A Union war hero. A family man. And in 1880? He *accidentally* became the Republican nominee for president. In this episode, you’ll get a boatload of context about 1880s politics (omg, are you still reading?), and you’ll learn how a man oops-fudge-striped his way into the presidency. In the weeks to come, we’ll cover his presidency, his assassination, and the legacy he left behind. Remember, kids, history hoes always cite their sources! For this episode, Kristin pulled from: The book, “Destiny of the Republic: A Tale of Madness, Medicine, and the Murder of a President,” by Candice MillardThe book, “Dark Horse: The Surprise Election and Political Murder of President James A. Garfield,” by Kenneth D. Ackerman“Murder of a President” documentary and additional resources from PBS.orgAre you enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Then please leave us a 5-star rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts!Are you *really* enjoying An Old Timey Podcast? Well, calm down, history ho! You can get more of us on Patreon at patreon.com/oldtimeypodcast. At the $5 level, you’ll get a monthly bonus episode (with video!), access to our 90’s style chat room, plus the entire back catalog of bonus episodes from Kristin’s previous podcast, Let’s Go To Court.

Hear ye, hear ye. You are listening to an old-timey podcast. I'm Kristen Caruso. And I'm Norman Caruso. And on this episode, I'll be talking about the assassination of President James Garfield. Part one! Oh! Folks, gather round, for you shall hear from my little mouth to your ear.

Are you trying to make stuff rhyme? Nowhere near your rear. You were about to hear one of the most fascinating tales in American history, says me. You know, Netflix just put out a series about this, right? Yeah, it's fantastic. Death by Lightning, check it out. But don't you dare stop listening to this. First you listen to this, then you go check out Death by Lightning, okay?

If you want the real story, you'll listen to us. Well, actually, Death by Lightning is really good. It does do a good job. Nick Offerman as Chester Arthur was fantastic. A lot of amazing actors. Okay, we can't play favorites. But the guy who plays Charles Guto is obviously the best. So sorry, everybody.

That's just the truth. Although the guy who plays James Garfinite. You know what? Michael Shannon. We can't play favorites. Norm, I hear that you're a little pumped, a little vindicated, and you're ready to talk about it. Yep. I guess we should go ahead and get this over with.

Huh? Get it over with. Yeah. I have an announcement to you and to everybody listening. Oh yeah. Soundboard's back. Tell a little friend. History hos, a few episodes ago, we abandoned ye old soundboard.

We did. We did. Because we enjoyed the freedom of no headphones. And the soundboard was literally the only reason we wore headphones. And I figured, well, you know, people probably won't miss the soundboard. I mean, when we first started using it, we got a lot of complaints about it. Oh, my God, did people complain? They hated it so much.

Yeah, but, you know, we persevered. We stood up to the wrongs in the world. Uh-huh. But, you know, so, but I just figured, well, if I'd take it away. And I remember your dad mentioning, well, stop using it. And if, like, no one says anything, then, like, whatever. Yeah. Well, you know what happened, Kristen?

I do know what happened. People went bonkers. The hose demanded we bring back the soundboard. People were saying things like... And then they were saying things like... Um, hello! Are you fucking stupid? They were like, ah, the soundboard's really good,

and you're not as good without it. Honestly, I was touched. I guess it's really true when people say... The truth. So I found a solution. If you're watching the video version, you'll see this cute little speaker sitting here. Well, maybe you can. You can't. I don't know.

I don't think the camera shows that. But trust us. There's a cute little speaker. There's a cute little speaker. Now the cute little speaker plays the sounds. We don't have to wear headphones. Everybody's happy. It's the best of both worlds. It's like ice cream cake. So welcome back, ye old soundboard. My favorite comment of all. I believe it came to us on Spotify. Because you would explain that, you know, wearing headphones, it can be a little uncomfortable for you because you have psoriasis. in your ears, blah, blah, blah. And someone very sweetly said, Norm, we don't care about the psoriasis in your ears.

Bring back the soundboard. We don't give a shit about your psoriasis. I did find that funny. But yeah, the soundboard is back. Thank you very much for your feedback. You know, in my opinion, Kristen, this soundboard was worth every single penny. And you know what?

We wouldn't have even been able to buy this damn thing without our listener support on patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. Folks, if you're enjoying this small, sexy, independent podcast, how about you consider giving us $5 a month? Because then you'll get access to our Discord chat and the entire catalog of old-timey bonus episodes with full video. And you'll learn some incredible stories from history. Like that time a woman in 17th century England claimed to give birth to rabbits.

Or the wild tale of the Greeley Expedition, where U.S. Army Signal Corps members got stuck in the Canadian Arctic. I heard they ate a whole guy. A whole guy, Kristen. It's true, which makes me wonder, am I obsessed with cannibalism? I've covered a lot of cannibalism on this podcast, and we're only two years old. You know what? We'll save it for therapy next week.

Great. So please head on over to patreon.com slash old-timey podcast to sign up. Thank you very much. Kristen, take it away. I would love to, except you have done something very, very distracting. What? You are wearing a button-up shirt. Okay, my apologies to those who are not on the video version.

Norm is in a very alluring button-up. Alluring. But one of your buttons is undone. That's right. Hang on, let me redo it. It looks so weird. He's got a pocket over each today, or chesticle, since he's a dude. And one of them was not buttoned.

Okay. Sorry. I brought up my memory cards from downstairs. And I put them in the chest pocket. Uh-huh. And I forgot to redo the button. Oh, that's the nerdiest sentence I've ever heard. These are functioning pockets, people.

Okay. Norm, first of all, are you prepared for this story? I'm so excited. Yeah, I'm ready. People, if you don't know anything about James Garfield's assassination, oh, do I envy you? You're in for a wild ride. I don't know why I'm pumping up the jam on my own story here, but I just can't help myself. I really think this is so, so fascinating.

I am so excited to bring it to you today. We're laying some groundwork. Context. I know. I fucking hate. I'm sorry. I didn't need to curse about context. Context isn't that bad, although it is a C word.

But anyhow, we do have a lot of context in this episode. Hey, I'm a big fan. I live for context. Well, that's one of your flaws, and I'm hoping that the listeners share that flaw, because here we go! Brace yourselves! We are at the start of a remarkable series. This is the story of the assassination of the 20th president of these United States, James A. Garfield.

It's the story of a remarkable man, a well-read man, a level-headed, sensible man, who, through no real desire of his own, oopsie-dazies, became the president of the United States. States. And it's also the story of James Garfield's assassin, a deeply troubled, wildly ambitious, mentally ill man who thought that killing President Garfield would make him a hero. And it's the story of how arrogance and stubbornness in the American medical community ultimately killed the man who might have become one of our greatest presidents if only he'd had enough time. In this week's episode, we'll answer two sassy questions. Number one, how much context can you ingest about the political climate of 1880? I hope your answer is a lot. And number two, how does a man,

oops, fudge stripes himself into becoming the Republican nominee for president? Huh, don't delay. We'll find out today. Ooh! Yes, yes, yes, yes. Kristen, I've got my mouth wide open, pour that context right in. Oh, you take it orally, do you? Okay, well, that's one way to do it. Picture it!

Chicago, the summer of 1880. Just 10 years earlier, the city had been nearly seared off the face of the earth because some old lady's cow allegedly knocked over a lantern. Oh, the Great Chicago Fire. Darn right. Yeah. Is that true story? The cow thing?

I said allegedly, Norm, I don't want the cow to sue us. But now, just nine years later, the city was back, baby. They'd repaired. They'd rebuilt. They'd given that cow a piece of their mind. And now, all was forgotten. Because in the summer of 1880, Chicago was hosting the sexiest event in all the land. And I'm talking, of course, about the Republican National Convention.

Oh, my gosh, fan me off. Oh, man, everyone who was anyone was there, fighting and posturing and politicking, all in an effort to ensure that their dude would be the dude to land the Republican nomination for president. Norm, you excited? Yeah, who all's there? Everybody, God! Don't worry, we're going to get into some characters. That old lady's cow was not there.

Turned into hamburgers. Well, no one's going to elect that cow. It's the one that started the whole fire. Oh, we wasn't even in the running for nomination. I'm just saying you could go to the convention just to hang out. I move to nominate this cow. I hate that I laughed at that. I hate that I laughed at it.

Of course, these conventions had been and continued to be a little tense, a little theatrical, a little dramatic. But the 1880 Republican National Convention was on another level, Norm. For starters, it was a little weird that the Republicans were even debating who to nominate for president. After all, the sitting president was a first-term Republican named Rutherford B. Hayes. Oh, Norm loves it. Boo. He got a big Rutherford B. Hayes poster in his office.

He smooches it. nightly, I look away because I don't judge. Yeah, he fucking sucked. Hmm. Why not give that guy another four years? Well, I'll tell you why. Because he fucking sucked. He sucked ass.

He sucked booty cheeks. Norm, I can tell you're excited. You see the context coming a mile away. And here I have in my script an apology to the listeners. Please forgive me for this next part, dear listeners, because I'm going to have to give you a dump truck full of context. Why are you apologizing for context? Because I love getting into the story.

I'm like, who's this James Garfield fella? And we're just barely getting, it just, I don't know. But you do have to set the scene, unfortunately. You do have to tell people what was going on. Yeah. We use all the meat off the bone. Oh, I prefer not to. Anyhow, so why did people hate Lil Rutherford?

Well, first of all, a lot of people, including, frankly, a lot of Republicans, thought that Rutherford B. Hayes shouldn't have been president in the first place. I agree. He'd lost the popular vote to the Democratic nominee, but neither nominee got enough electoral votes to be declared a winner. So, a congressional commission stepped in and came up with this load of shit called the Compromise of 1877. Norman is shaking his head. He can barely speak, barely breathing,

thinking of the compromise of 1877 don't know who I'm kidding imagining racist would care yeah it's very racist here we go in that compromise they were like okay Rutherford B Hayes can be president but reconstruction it's got to go it's got to go and you have to remove federal troops from the south because boy have we hated having to be decent to black people in the 12 seconds the Civil War ended. Mm-hmm. And so Rutherford B. Hayes became president, but not in a way that anyone actually respected.

And so they gave him a nickname. Do you know the nickname, Norm? It's a good one. It's tough. It's mean. And it works. Twas Ruther fraud, B. Hayes. Oh!

Oh, suck on that! Damn. Oh, Ruther Frauds presidency was marred by several boo-boos, buggles, and blunders when he is remembered, and he often isn't. He is remembered not as our worst president of all time, but certainly among the worst. Yep. Would you say he's our worst? No, he's not our worst. Who would you say is the worst?

Don't worry, they're not listening. Oh, I... Actually, be careful, because... Because, you know, we've got the right to protest technically, but maybe not in reality. In theory. Yeah. The right to protest. You know, I'm going to, I've talked about doing my worst president series.

Yeah, which I want to save it. I don't want to spoil it yet, you know. Some of us love shit talk. I know. Some of us love a bitchy boy. Why not be a bitchy boy right now and just call the guy out, huh? You want me to be a little, little bitchy boys? Yeah.

Yeah, who's the worst one? Andrew Johnson. Suck on that, buddy. Yeah, it's Andrew Johnson. Okay, because of all the racism and all the shittiness. Of men, some of his qualities, yeah, definitely. All this to say, that Ruther Fraud was not running for a second term, because he'd promised everyone that he wouldn't.

And so, in the summer of 1880, that meant that the presidential gates were wide open and Boy, oh boy, was that exciting. Everyone knew that there were three main contenders for the Republican nomination. Norm, do you know who they were? Yes. All three of them? Yeah, I think so. Your memory is so obnoxious.

And by that I mean, very good. Blaine? Wow, you're starting off with the one no one ever remembers. James G. Blaine, nicknamed the Magnetic Man from Maine. Ooh. Up next? Don't go with the big one. Go with the little one.

You don't remember. Conklin? No. No, no, no. Sorry, it wasn't Conklin. Boy, way to rush ahead in the story. We're not ready for that big boy just yet. Well, can I just say,

No. No. Blip that. Bleep that. It's too soon. That's coming in 20 seconds. People aren't ready. Shoot, who was the other one?

Well, I'll tell you. Who? John Sherman. Sherman. Oh, yeah, Ticomsey's brother. That's right. Current Secretary of the Treasury, brother of Union War hero William,

Tocomza Sherman, and, judging by a photo I found of him online, proud owner of a coat that was way too big for him. You've got to look him up. John Sherman, it's the picture of him on Wikipedia. Okay. And you'll think, my God, this man had so much money. He was doing so well for himself.

Why couldn't he get a coat that fit him? John Sherman. on Wikipedia? Sure. Oh, that is a large coach. I think it looks good on them. Honestly, it just has those big old flaps. What are those called?

It's too big all over. What it looks like, if you showed me a color version of that photo, I'd be like, oh, this man went on Ozempic, and he hasn't made it to a mall. Gosh, he looks like his brother, big time. Everyone. If you're looking for a life partner, find you a person who knows what Union War heroes look like from memory. What's wrong with that?

Nothing. It's totally normal. Anyway, what's wrong, everybody? Had no one else heard of John Sherman or James Blaine? Well, don't worry. You've heard of this next guy. What's his name, Norm? Ulysses S. Grant. The one you've been waiting for.

The war hero. The man who'd made history. The man who'd personally spanked the Confederacy's ass and made him big for mercy. The man who, by 1880, had already served two terms as U.S. president, okay? And now he was looking for a third. A man whose presidency, you know, it had been tarnished by a few scandals. And boy, uh-oh, that could be bad. But you can't deny the power of name recognition.

Ulysses' ass grant. Yes! Oh, wow. Man, who would win? Who would win? Definitely one of those three guys. Definitely not someone I haven't even mentioned yet. Norm of those three, do you have a favorite?

Oh, gosh. Probably Blaine. I feel like he was only really popular in, like, New England, Maine area. Well, they thought he was okay in Chicago. I guess I just proved your point, huh? He's just okay in Chicago. And, you know, maybe they saw him with that cow, And they were like, I don't know.

What was he doing to the cow? Well, The cow's got nothing to do this. It was utter nonsense. But, you know, as the convention got underway, there was some hand-wringing about which of those three men would win. And there were even some people, worry warts, I call them, who were like, no, we've got three guys out in front. no one has this in the bag. There's a chance that if we don't come together quickly behind one guy,

a dark horse candidate could emerge victorious, someone we haven't even planned for. And wouldn't that be something? I hope it's not super dramatic at this convention because I'm the type of person who hates drama. The people that announce that they hate drama, they want nothing to do with drama, are the most dramatic people of all time.

Why are they always wearing feather boas when they say it? With apologies to those who genuinely do hate drama, there was no chance that the Republican Party was going to join hands and start a love train because they were divided. Divided on one big issue. Do you know what the issue was, Norm? Hmm. In 1880?

The spoil system. Oh, yeah. This is a gross one. Do you know what the spoil system is? Well, it was this really cool thing. You're going to love it where when a political party won their election, they would give all the government jobs to their closest friends and their dumbest cousins and their richest supporters. It was really cool if you happen to be the dumbest cousin of a politician,

but really extra shitty if you were just a smart, qualified candidate who wanted to work for the government. The spoil system had been around since Andrew Jackson's presidency. It's how we got the saying To the Victor go the spoils Did you know that? Really? I love learning stuff like that. I thought that was some old-timey Roman thing.

I didn't know that came from us. Uh-oh, well, now you've got me questioning everything. I hope I don't have to do a mistakes of shame. Well, we'll see. By 1880, there was this growing faction of the Republican Party and really everybody everywhere who were like, hey, the spoil system sucks. Yeah, we want civil service.

What if we created more of a merit-based system where people who work in government get those jobs because they're qualified for them? Now, that may seem like a decent, normal idea, but it was entirely indecent to the very rich and very powerful men who'd risen to power thanks to the spoil system. Yeah. And few people benefited from the spoil system more than a complicated douche lord named Roscoe Conkling. Oh, wow. What? What? You want to defend him?

No. I say complicated because when you do read up about him, he is a douche. Mm-hmm. Really, really championed civil rights for black people. Sure. I mean, I want to hate him entirely, though. There's the thing, though, like, the entire Republican Party was suffering from corruption scandals during this time. I love how you say suffering from as if they didn't bring it upon them.

That's true. I stole all this money now. I'm suffering from consequences. They had a horrible reputation. Yeah. I mean, but they still manage to win elections, which is amazing. Yeah. So, like, this spoil system was just, like, more of the same.

Mm-hmm. So, and, yeah, you had a wing of the Republican Party, like, let's be good again and, like, party of values. Let's do better, yeah. Yeah. Do better. That's right. Let's do better.

Yes. So who was Roscoe Conkling really? Well, he was everything. He was a New York senator and the proud owner of an itty-bitty waist and a yellow waistcoat in your face. He stood six foot three. Adjusted for inflation, he was 19 feet tall. Sources claim that he was a ladies man with a big sexy hairdo. And while I don't doubt that ladies were into him, Uh, sexy hairdo, no. Exactly. Everybody, I would wager my entire left tit that his success with the ladies had nothing. And I mean, nothing, not a thing to do with his hair. I will describe it for you now. Prepare your barf bags.

He looked like Dracula's cousin. Oh, you are insulting Dracula. Dracula has a sexy vibe. Uh-huh. There's nothing hot about this hairdo. Okay. First of all, the hairline, it twas receipts. but he kept it long and fluffy.

He favored a kind of wavy, wind-swept look. So picture that. But perhaps to distract from the fact that his hairline had hitched up its petticoat and gone out west, Roscoe always took one ringlet from the middle of his head, and he let it hang in the center of his ample forehead where she sat taunting her political enemies. TikTok. It's like a pendulum. We will be including photos in the video version of this podcast. I hope you're ready for them.

Despite his hair, Roscoe Conkling was one of the most powerful people in the United States. Hey, for real, can we talk about that hair? Obviously, their hairdos, they come and go in style. But can you honestly believe that at one time people looked at that and thought it looked good? or do you think he was just so powerful and so rich that no one would tell him the truth? I mean, Kristen, this is the era of the neck beard. Like, are we really that, like, surprised by this?

Yes, because a neck beard can happen. This ringlet down the middle of the forehead. That takes effort. He had to work for that. I mean, it does kind of look like a horns coming out of his head. Yes, and he had to look out for gusts of wind. Otherwise, you might look stupid. I wonder why he just, I wonder why some of these guys just didn't go bald.

They really held on for as long as they could. Well, sure. A lot of folks do to this day. Like I said, he's got kind of a Dracula vibe with this hair. And I'm talking like Bram Stoker Dracula vibe, not like classic monster movie Dracula with the slick black hair. I'm talking like the, you know, old-timey. Well, that's right. You don't watch movies.

I'm sorry. It's okay. The spoil system. had been very good to Roscoe Conkling. He was very rich, and he was in charge of handing out jobs to other dudes, which made those dudes very rich. And all of which meant that by 1880, Roscoe Conkling was a political powerhouse who had surrounded himself with an army of yes men.

And he knew exactly who he wanted his yes men to nominate for president. He wanted his BFF. Ulysses S. Grant. Yeah, because, like, it would just be more of the same. Yeah. Yeah. And he loved the same. Bring in the guy, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Ulysses S. Grant would defend the spoil system. And those other two dudes, ew. James Blaine and John Sherman, disgusting. They wanted something called civil service reform? Yeah. Roscoe Conkling had a nickname for that. What?

You want to hear? You ready? Snivel service reform. Got them! That's stupid. That's no roth or fraud. Okay. Yeah. As the 1880 Republican National Convention got underway, tensions were high. No one could say with certainty that their guy would be declared the winner.

And so there was this pressure building. And no one felt that pressure quite like Ohio Senator-elect James Garfield. Is he a Senator-elect? He sure much. Oh, yeah, he was. He was in the House, though. right? Yeah, so James Garfield had spent the previous two decades in Congress, but he'd risen to fame as a Union War hero. We'll talk about that in next week's episode. But for now, just know that he was an excellent public speaker, he was an academic, and frankly, just a really great guy.

And by that, I mean, kind of a huge nerd. He was very well read. He loved poetry and complex math problems. My God, he was friendly and curious and a big laughter. Like BFFs with every librarian, they always set books aside for him because they just knew he was going to come hollering. He was a family man. He was a farmer. Fun fact, he'd always hated slavery from like day one. And unlike so many of the entitled Nepo babies and wealthy dudes who'd elbowed their ways into

politics, James Garfield knew what it meant to struggle. He knew what it meant to come from nothing. He'd been raised by his widowed mother on a farm in Ohio. He'd grown up with love, but under really, really rough conditions at a time when there were zero social safety nets. James Garfield was the real deal. And maybe that's partly why he wasn't loving the convention. Yeah. Why do you say that?

You've been to a lot of conventions in your day. Not political ones. Oh, no, you're coughing. You're coughing, just imagining the stench. I didn't go to the freaking party nomination convention. No, I, sorry, what was the question? I just think that you can relate to the idea of being overwhelmed at a convention. Oh, yes.

There's a lot going on. You meet a lot of people. It's not my scene. More of a laid-back kind of, you know. Go to the library kind of guy. No, I don't want to. go to the library. I just kind of want to small group, chill

with the friends kind of deal. This convention hall held 15,000 people. It was damn near impossible to hear anything over all the hooping and hollering and the Lord hadn't invented air conditioning or anti-perspirant yet, so the air was a chunky

stew of Republican body odor. Oh, God. And on top of that... Okay, now I am familiar with the body odor problem at conventions. All the hotel rooms in all of Chicago had been booked. And one night at the convention, a friend knocked on James Garfield's door. I was like, hey, my brother needs a place to stay tonight.

Could he stay with you? Oh, my God, it is like these conventions I go to. I've shared many rooms. Many a YouTuber. Oh, good. Yes, many a YouTuber. We have shared rooms. And James Garfield said, yeah, okay.

you know, because he's a good guy. But he didn't want to say yes because his hotel room only had one bed. And it wasn't even like a big bed. It wasn't even like a full-sized bed for a full-size man. Well, you just do head to feet, right? I don't know. I mean, I don't know. That's the workaround is one person sleeps at the, shoot, what is it?

Boy, it's a good thing we're recording a podcast today. You've got such a mastery of the English language. I, man, I'm forgetting words right now. One person... I think that's because you're actively writing in your own head a fanfic where James Garfield falls in love with this man. It starts out. They're not excited to be together.

But then, you know, something happens in the night. It can kind of make it a little less awkward if... You just fall in love. I mean, that would make it a lot less awkward. You're just like, I'm just to make out with this guy. No, it's like one person sleeps like normally in the bed. And then the other person does a 180, so their feet are by your head. And their head are by your feet.

You know what I mean? Yeah, we understand it. Norm is not a top concept. I was trying to explain it. Oh, God. Sorry, I'm kind of out of it today. I know what's going on. I personally, and I think the listeners are going to agree, we all enjoyed how long it took you to describe something that we knew instinctively.

So when I said head defeat, you understood what I meant? Okay. So James Garfield spent that loud, stinky convention, cuddled up with some random dude and kicking himself because, oh boy, he was scheduled to give the nomination speech for John Sherman. Mm-hmm. But he hadn't gotten around to actually writing the speech yet. Oof. Truth was, James Garfield had agreed to give the speech because he kind of had to. He and John Sherman were both from Ohio. Oh, yeah.

John Sherman had asked him to do it. He was the more senior guy. Mm-hmm. But James didn't actually think that John Sherman would make a great president. Well, and the other thing was James Garfield was such a humble guy. He didn't really like the spotlight very much. Like for him to give the speech, I don't know, he probably didn't feel comfortable doing that either. He enjoyed giving speeches, but yet he was a more modest guy.

Convention is not his scene. Yeah, this is just a speech on a whole other level. He'd rather just chill with his boys at the hookah lounge in Chicago. Is that what he would have preferred? Yeah. Maybe gather around, eat some lasagna. Lazzania and hookah. Name a better combo.

Just don't do it on Mondays, am I right? Why? What happens on Mondays? Kristen, he's Garfield. He hates Mondays, eats lasagna. Oh, my God. Oh, boy, that went sailing over my head. So, John Sherman, back to John Sherman. I was wondering when to insert the Garfield jokes. We were all waiting for it. Yeah.

John Sherman was a smart enough guy, despite what Norm says about it. No, he's fine. He's fine. Exactly. He's fine. He's fine. That's the exact problem. But when you want to be president, you've got to be extraordinary. Yeah. And the only difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that a little bit of extra. My God, I am feeling so inspired right now.

I stole that from office space, full disclosure. I'm a joke thief. Well, we are all inspired nonetheless by your stolen words. Great. So John was a smart enough guy, but his nickname was the Ohio. icicle. He just wasn't. What? What? What are you making that face? What?

I just imagined him in like a literal icicle? No, just like a homemade superhero. Like a little cape. I'm the Ohio icicle. I freeze my opponents in debate. Yeah. Gather around kids. No, Norma, it was not a cool, it was kind of a cool nickname because cold. Yes.

This is the word. And I'm so thrilled to use this about a man in politics for once. He wasn't super likable. You know, I do think to be president, you've got to be very extroverted. You've got to want to meet people. You've got to want to talk to them. I mean, that's, I think, what it takes to get elected at the very least. Yeah, I mean, honestly, it's a major reason how Donald Trump got elected.

Of course. Very extroverted. And Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. I mean, like, you could go down the list. I think that when you look at, you know, gee, why did Al Gore not seal the deal? Well, very smart guy. Yeah, brilliant guy, but not super charming. Yeah.

We're fun. So James Garfield procrastinated and procrastinated. And when he wasn't big spooning a total stranger, he found himself hanging out at the convention, stuck in these super awkward, kind of impossible to navigate conversations with people. who said things like, gee, it'd sure be nice if you were the guy from Ohio who was running for president, you'd be great. He was really uncomfortable with that kind of talk. That's not to say that he didn't ever want to be president, but judging from his letters with his wife around this time, he definitely felt like it was way too early. Yeah, he felt like it wasn't his time yet. He's,

they've got a rally behind the candidate. Exactly. And also, you know, he wasn't the most senior guy from his state. There are a lot of reasons if he were to be elected, which of course, that's not going to happen. He would have been the youngest president or second youngest president in the nation's history. Granted, there'd only been 20, but still, he had time. Yeah. So it was too early. He wasn't ready. And frankly, he might not ever be ready. That's fine. Because we all get to say in whether or not we become president, right? Right? I mean, yeah, I guess you could turn down the job. Could you?

Turn down? Let's find out. Sure. Oh, come on. What? Get real. What are you talking about? Okay, we'll table this for later.

And, you know, new people to the show are going to be like, wow, they'll table this for later. Anyone who's listened to more than one episode is going to be like, she's going to forget. We forget. And the episode will end. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we forget many things on this podcast. So James navigated those conversations by just reiterating his support for John Sherman,

the guy he was definitely supporting for president. That's right. He's got to be his hype man. And then the day came. Saturday night, baby, it was time for the nominating speeches. Hell yeah. Are you ready? James Garfield wasn't. The hall was, he hadn't written his speech yet.

Was he wearing his Ohio icicle t-shirt? He better a bet. The Ohio icicle, baby. Gosh, this leotard is uncomfortable, but I do look good. Mm-hmm. The hall was packed with people. 15,000 of them all ready to take in the political theater of it all. Twas a red, white, and blue extravaganza.

They took their seats. They waved flags. They held posters. They talked excitedly. All of them there for one purpose to witness. Great speakers nominate the person. they knew would lead the party to victory! Oh, so exciting!

But maybe, uh-oh, too exciting? A very old man took the stage. And he was only 70, but in these days, that's 125. He basically was the cryptkeeper. He was the president of the Michigan Central Railroad. A very wealthy dude, he'd gone to Harvard Law, ever heard of it. But, ooh, boy, he messed up on this speed. He got up in front of the crowd and God, there were so many of them.

They were all so excited, so boisterous. And he got kind of flustered. He had his little speech prepared and everything. I mean, James Garfield hadn't even written his, but he'd written his. And he kind of mumbled through it and bumbled through it. And then he realized in real time, oh, my God, I'm doing a really bad job. So then he got self-conscious. I only laughed because I have been in this position.

It sucks. There's no saving it. And so then he was like, well, everything I just said will, quote, benefit the candidate but little. Wow. Just shat on his own speech. Well, he knew he was fucking up. And then he kind of rushed through the rest because he's like, okay, well, everyone's pretty excited. So let me get through this.

Which is like, that's not the point. The point is to rally up the crowd. And then as the cherry on top of a dog turd, Sunday. Do you know what he did, Norm? What? He messed up the candidate's name. He said he was nominating James S. Blaine. And people were like, it's James G. Blaine. Read a book, you idiot. I'm sorry. People were so mad.

Do they have one of those canes that grabbed them by the neck and whoop off the stage? If there had been one, I mean, they literally yelled, you fool. They pelt them with tomatoes. This poor old man. Well, but I mean, also poor James Blaine because he probably would have been a good president. Yeah. And, you know, he, I'm sure did what he thought was the right thing asking that guy to speak. But boy, that kind of messed things up.

Yeah. You need someone a little more exciting, I think. A little more exciting. You need someone who can actually perform, baby. Yeah. Get the seven Sutherland sisters up there. Am I right? Yeah.

Have them sing a little. Have them let their hair down. Ooh. Bonus episode. Mm-hmm. Five bucks. That's all it takes, baby. So that speech kind of sucked.

So let's forget about that one. Who, shake it off. Okay, that one was a loser. But hold on to your bonnets. Because, oh my gosh, soon enough, it was Roscoe Conkling's turn to nominate Ulysses S. Grant. Take a shirt off. Oh, you wish.

Conkling was Big Buff Boy. He was like a boxer. Yeah, he kept a little boxing thing. I don't know. Speed bag. Thank you. He kept one in his office and he just did-de-de-de-de-de-de. That's the cute little sound it makes.

That's what it makes when you hit it. Boxers know. Yeah, he was very vain about his lovely figure. Yeah, he really, like, cared about physical fitness. He thought it was really, really important. Yeah. It's amazing. The effort he put into his physical. fitness, which paid off, and the effort he put into his hair, which was ridiculous.

I don't think he put any effort into his hair. Norm, you're lying. You're lying. He put a ton of effort into it. Yes, he did. He cared about making it, you know, wavy wind-swept with the one wringlet dangling down the middle like a dong. That's what he cared about.

I think that's just his airline. No. Your hairline does not go back in one area and forward in one dangling. section in a perfect ringlet down the middle of your forehead. Oh, my widow's peak. That's a widow's peak. That's a totally different thing than a spit curl that hangs in the middle of the forehead. Okay.

People back me up on this. No, you're right. You're right. I don't think I have to tell you that he was dressed to impress or that the ringlet in the center of his forehead made him look like a sexy cartoon baby. He strutted up. They don't say sexy cartoon baby. Everyone knows what I mean.

He strutted up to the podium with his signature turkey gobbler strut. That's something that the Blaine guy said about him one time. Really? Yeah. He was making fun of him. Said he had a turkey gobbler strut. And boy, did Roscoe not forget that. Yeah, they did not like each other.

So Roscoe's up there. And at the last minute, he was like, watch this, motherfuckers! And he came off the podium, went down closer to all the reporters in Delioux. it gets really down in the scene, and then he got up on a table. Woo! Oh, man, immediately people started cheering. He was already so much better than that old weird guy. Woo!

Well, he's doing crowd work? Yeah, he's on a table. Wow. Now, there's a lot to hate about Roscoe Conkling, but, man, his nominating speech was undeniable. He was a performer talking about his candidate, he said. And when asked what state he hails from, our soul reply shall be.

He hails from Appomattox and its famous apple tree. New York is for Ulysses S. Grant. Never defeated, never defeated in peace or in war. His name is the most illustrious born by living man. Wow. The crowd burst into applause. They stomped their feet. Roscoe Conkling's speech was energizing.

It was so powerful. But it was also. Negative. He talked about the people who'd tarnished Ulysses S. Grant's name, and he predicted that they would all molder in forgotten graves.

Oh. Holy shit. Yikes, so, like, some of the people in that room, probably. A lot of people in that room. For the most part, people cheered him on. They loved this speech. But a lot of people didn't.

Some people yelled insults at him. How do you think he handled it, Norm? He probably said, shut your mouth, jabrony. I'll tell you what he did. With a smug, wolf smirk on his face, he reached into his pocket, and he pulled out a lemon, and he sucked on it, smiling as the naysayers quieted down. He sucked on a lemon?

Yeah. Okay, what's the... Am I missing the symbolism here? What's going on? I wondered the same thing. Sour puss? Well, kind of. So there are two books I read on this.

They both mention that because, of course, that's such a moment of political theater. But I also wondered, am I missing some of the old-timey context here? So I kind of looked into it briefly. If someone knows more about this, please reach out. Because I find this kind of fascinating. It's largely believed to be that he was kind of mocking their bitterness. Okay. And kind of saying, you've got a sour puss.

Yeah. You know, just, just mocking them. That's interesting. Yeah, I hope someone can give us some more context. Than what I just did. When Roscoe finished his speech, the convention hall thundered with applause. It was deafening.

He had killed it. Ulysses S. Grant was definitely going to be a three-term president. No doubt about it, baby. But then, it was James Garfield's turn to speak. For John Sherman. James followed in Roscoe Conkling's footsteps. Literally, he went and stood on that exact same table. He got down in front of the crowd.

You know, it's funny, he'd spent the convention kind of dreading this speech. But Roscoe Conkling, douchebag that he was, had inspired James Garfield. The way he'd riled up the crowd was undeniably impressive. James Garfield wondered if he, too, could captivate that crowd. crowd, but take them in a totally different direction. He stood on the table. And rather than getting them louder, he got them quiet. 15,000 people, silent. And then he spoke. That night, James Garfield spoke to that rowdy, fiery crowd, and he reminded them that there was a bigger world out there. He said, in part, not here, in this brilliant circle, where

15,000 men and women are gathered is the destiny of the Republic to be decreed for the next four years. Not here, where I see the enthusiastic faces of 756 delegates waiting to determine the choice of the Republic, but by four million Republican firesides, where the thoughtful voters, with wives and children about them, with the calm thoughts inspired by the love of home and country, with the history of the past and the hopes of the future and reverence for the great men who have adorned and blessed our nation in days gone by burning in their hearts there. God prepares the verdict, which will determine the wisdom of our work here tonight. Not in Chicago, in the heart of June, but at the ballot boxes of the Republic in the quiet of November after the silence of deliberate judgment.

Will this question be settled? And now, gentlemen of the convention, what do we want? He paused. He'd captivated them. They were transfixed. Fifteen thousand silent faces looked back at him, and then came a voice from the crowd. Oh, God. It was an answer. An answer to the rhetorical question he'd just asked, what do we want? The answer came. Clear as a bell. Nominate Garfield! James Garfield ignored the joke, because it was a joke, wasn't it? He went on. He spoke about the tremendous good that their party had done for the nation. He spoke about integrity. He talked about the type of man the United States needed as president. The civil war was still in people's memories.

Abraham Lincoln's assassination was still in people's memories. Slavery, generations of it was still in people's memories, the marks of it, the lashings of it, the trauma of it, still visible on the bodies of those who were no longer enslaved. That was another big question. Roughly 15 years had passed since the Civil War ended. What would the nation do? how would the nation move forward? On that note, here's what he said. We want one who will act in no spirit of unkindness toward those we lately met in battle. The Republican Party offers to our brethren of the South the olive branch of peace and invites them to renewed brotherhood on this

supreme condition that it shall be admitted forever that in the war for the union, We were right and they were wrong. On that supreme condition, we meet them as brethren and ask them to share with us the blessings and honors of this great republic. Toward the end of his speech, he did finally mention John Sherman's name. Oh, yeah, and I want to make John Sherman, the Ohio Icicle. I tell you what, when it was that quiet, I'd be clenching my butt cheeks. Norm, now's not the time.

Well, no, it would be the time. You don't want to fart. You're talking about a room of 15,000 dudes, sweating, probably ate some grub, some Chicago dogs. Yeah. Right before this speech. And then he asked that rhetorical question, what say you, gentlemen? What if someone just ripped a huge fart after he said that? Pretty embarrassed.

It might have changed the course of history, Kristen. No one would have taken him seriously. With his speech finished, the crowd burst into applause. Wild applause. They cheered, they hollered, they stomped their feet. Roscoe Conkling had excited them. But James Garfield... Had inspired them!

Yes. What'd you think of that speech? Yeah, good speech. I think that's such a powerful message to the South. Yeah, and it's also a... good reminder to the politicians that like, hey, the people guide this country. Right. Not us. We feel all important. Right. And we're all elbowing each other. There's all this politicking. We are not ultimately the ones in charge here. Right. So let's think about that. Let's think about integrity. Let's think about

our values. But I love that idea of like, yes, we are offering you peace. We have open arms. but you need to admit something now and forever. I love that. Yeah, that's great, but man, you know the South's not going to do that. I wonder how different things might have turned out if he hadn't been killed, honestly. And we'll talk about that certainly more in future episodes. James Garfield gets killed? Norm, I don't know if you paid attention to the answer.

Spoilers, whoa. Hours passed. There were more. speeches, but none of them stood out like Garfields. The next morning James Garfield found himself in, oof, another uncomfortable position. Because he was head to feet in bed with another striker. This time, a new dude. Damn it, I need to stop sharing my room with people. He got wind that, thanks to his speech, some people were talking about nominating him.

Hmm. He also got wind that some people were pretty certain that he did. given that speech more to promote himself than to promote John Sherman. Yeah. Well, yeah, he only mentioned John Sherman at the end, huh? Yeah, and he had talked about, like, here's the type of guy we want. And he kind of laid out the list. And a lot of people argued, hmm, everything you described there could have applied to a lot of guys, including yourself.

Yeah. We need a guy about six foot tall. Nice, nice beard, real good beard. Trimmed oiled beard. A coat that fits him, okay? Guy from Ohio. Guy with a nice, good personality, okay, no icicles here. Yeah, maybe a Civil War hero?

Maybe enjoys lasagna? You know he enjoyed lasagna. Who doesn't? I wonder, was lasagna around back then? Probably not. All right, we'll look into this. Okay. That last theory that he'd been, like, secretly campaigning for himself, was mortifying.

not only did that kind of reek of bad character, he was afraid, and rightfully so, that if John Sherman believed that, that if he believed that he'd done that, his political career would just be dead. Yeah, John Sherman would seek revenge if he was elected as president. Sure, and probably a lot of other people would be pissed off, like, oh, you jumped the line. Yeah. Then came Monday morning. Oh, Mondays. Am I right? Yeah.

It was time for the first ballot. No one expected a decision to be made on the first ballot. That, like, never happened. And sure enough, it wasn't. Yeah. Ulysses S. Grant got more votes than any other nominee, but not enough to win the nomination. James G. Blaine came in second.

Read a book, dude. And John Sherman was a distant third. Yikes. There were some votes for other lesser-known candidates, you know, whatever. But then, oh my God, you've got to be kidding. One guy, a delegate from Pennsylvania, cast his vote for James Garfield. James Garfield was embarrassed. He didn't even acknowledge the guy.

It was just so weird, so unwelcome, this one weird vote. But the Pennsylvania dude was adamant. He'd really liked James Garfield's speech. He really thought that James Garfield should be the Republican nominee for president. And wasn't that what this was all about? picking the person you most wanted to become president? Sure. Hours passed.

Another one. Another ballot. And then? Another one. And then? Another one. Oh, it just kept going and going. Keep going, Norm.

The next day they came back again, hoping that at some point soon they'd have a nominee. Another one. And they had another ballot. Another one. Another one. Another one. Another one. Soundboard can't keep up, Crystal.

Neither can I. Good God Almighty. We're on the 34th ballot now. DJ Khalid couldn't keep up. We left him behind. And something weird happened on that 34th ballot. James Garfield got 17 votes. Oh, moving on up. What the hell? This had to be an error. James Garfield jumped to his feet. He addressed the convention president. He said, I rise to a question of order. I challenge the correct. of the announcement. The announcement contains votes for me, but no man has a right without the consent of the person voted for to announce that person's name and vote for him in this convention. Such consent I have not given. But the president of the convention, who was maybe secretly kind of a James Garfield fan, was like, uh, well, technically that's not a question of order. So sit down. Sit down. Fun fact, um, that convention president could have, you know, banged his gavel. on Saturday night to kind of stop the applause after James Garfield's speech, but he let it linger.

Do you have to? I had to let it linger. You know I'm such a fool for you. Oh, that's beautiful. They called another ballot. Another one. This time, holy hell, oh my God, he got 55 votes. He wasn't anywhere close to actually winning, but this was something.

It was weird. there was like momentum now. Yeah, and there were only two votes for Seymour Butts. Which was funny, but hey, we got to actually pick a nominee here. Right, someone's actual name down. People rushed up to James Garfield. Give a speech, give a speech. But James refused.

He didn't ask for this. He didn't want this. Wait, fun fact. Back in this time period, it was actually seen as kind of unseemly. for like a presidential candidate to go campaigning all over the country. Other people did that for them. Yeah. And it was kind of, again, sort of seen as impolite for a nominee to be actually at this convention.

Okay. Yeah, because Grant wasn't there, right? No. He was hanging out nearby and his wife, Julia, kept being like, you should go down there and talk. I really enjoyed being first lady. I'd like, another one. But he was like, oh my God, you are so uncouth. How dare you?

Uncuth. That's a word. So, you know, he's, again, I think has kind of an advantage because unlike these other dudes, he's actually there. Yeah. But again, he was refusing. He's like, I didn't ask for this. I don't want this. No way am I giving a speech.

Then they held. Another one. At the start of the convention, it had seemed so clear that either Grant, Blaine, or Sherman would win. And now all three of them were miserable, far, far away and miserable. The hell was happening. Ironically, James Garfield was every bit as miserable as they were. What the hell was happening? They were on their 36th ballot now. God. You know who might have been voting here? Robert Smalls? May have been at this convention. Yes, maybe. Possibly. I have to double check the dates. I read something also that there was a black man who was being considered as a vice presidential candidate.

I would love to do something on that because that is just, I'd never heard that before. Anyhow, there's no time. We're in the middle of a convention. This time, on the 36th ballot, James Blaine threw in the towel. He said he quit? All of Maine's votes went to Garfield. Ooh, nice chunk. I mean, it makes sense.

Three votes. Once you realize, okay, I'm not going to win this thing. It makes sense to say, okay, who would I like to win? Yeah, you throw your support behind another candidate. Sure. We know what's going on. The proceedings went in alphabetical order. And as the state of Ohio got closer up the list, the Ohio delegates were like,

uh, what do we do? Yeah, because they've got John Sherman. They got two Ohio boys now. And they not so secretly wanted to vote for James Garfield. He was the one they wanted as president. But James Garfield was right there telling them, Do not do it. Don't you dare vote for me.

We, hey, we are all voting for John Sherman. New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio. Ohio was next. James Garfield was clear. Do not vote for me. And then, at the last possible second, just before Ohio was officially called, a telegram came in.

It was from John Sherman. A messenger read it aloud on the convention floor. John Sherman was done. He wanted his votes to go to James Garfield. Duh! People cheered. But James Garfield couldn't believe it. He shouted,

Cast my vote for Sherman! But it was no use. That's one vote for John Sherman. On that ballot? Oh, Lord Almighty. James Garfield won. He won by a lot. He, James Garfield, was officially the Republican nominee for president,

even though he hadn't wanted it at all. That's wild. The convention hall erupted in cheers. People were overjoyed. It was unreal. They'd nominated the candidate that they actually wanted, the guy who'd actually moved them and inspired them. A smart, well-spoken man who'd fought hard for the Union Army and the Civil War.

Speech, speech! Speech! They wanted another speech! Give him a speech! But James Garfield didn't get out of his chair. He sat there, numb, as people lost their minds all around him, so excited. amidst the roar of celebration, James Garfield turned to his friend, and he said, do you think I could leave?

And the guy was like, no, no, dude, you can't leave. People congratulated him. They wanted to touch him. They wanted to pat him on the back, shake his hand. He'd done it. Oh, my God, he'd done it. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. He sat there. that chair, emotionless, pale as death and half unconscious, one reporter later said. Oof. At one point, James Garfield turned to a friend, and this time, it must have been sinking in because he said, will you telegraph my wife? She ought to know about this. I mean.

Can you fucking imagine. Yeah, you leave home. Bye, honey. I'm going to the Republican convention. I'm going to give a speech. I probably should have written the speech. And oh, now our lives are forever changed. And then you get a telegram.

I'm the Republican nominee. But can't he, he can just say no? You can just say no, I don't accept it. I think about the position he's in. And I don't think that it's that he never wanted to be president. I also think this is a very religious guy. And I think at a certain point things are out of your hands. also he was a very very intelligent man a good man and I think maybe there might have been part of him that felt like well maybe I can do this sure there was no doubt about it though James Garfield was shell shocked and elsewhere in the convention so were the political bosses perhaps no one was more shell shocked than Roscoe Conkling oh yeah that little that little curl was on fire right now he was

Was livid. Livid. Looks like a little candle wick. James Garfield, of all people, had prevailed. In fact, he was so livid that after James Garfield received the nomination, Roscoe Conkling did exactly what James Garfield had wanted to do. He ran off and hid. He went back behind the podium in the convention hall to a room that was normally just used by reporters.

And he paced the room, muttering to himself. furious. How would this happen? How would this happen? He did not realize that one reporter was still in the room. Watching him spin out, the reporter stayed quiet and got even quieter when a new guy entered the room. It was Chester A. Arthur. Chester Arthur was one of Roscoe Conkling's favorite yesman. Oh, yeah. Chester was his protege. Uh, Chester had actually never attended a national political convention before this, so pretty cool. I don't think he was ever a politician.

That's right. He had never held an elected office. He'd been given stuff. Yeah, didn't he, like, run the port in New York or something? You'll learn more about that. For now, all you need to know is he had no real experience, no real qualifications. He was one of Roscoe Conkling's cronies, just a political henchman. Yeah.

But he entered that room with some big news. He was about to become James Garfield's vice president. Wow. It had been a big day for James Garfield. A big day for Chester A. Arthur. Wait, how did Chester A. Arthur get vice president? Well, we'll get to that. Okay.

We're wrapping up here, buddy. Oh. And oddly, it had been a big day for a deeply troubled man. named Charles Guto. Charles Guteau was in Boston when he read the news that James Garfield had received the Republican presidential nomination.

By that point, Charles had dabbled in a bit of everything. He'd struck out big at a free love colony. No one wanted to bang him. He'd worked as a lawyer, kind of. Wait a minute, we need to go back to the love colony. A businessman sort of. See, Norm, Norm, you're wanting me to dive in.

I'm ramping up for now. next week, buddy. Oh, man. That's my favorite story about this man. Okay. We'll tease the people. He'd been an insurance salesman, kind of, and a debt collector, a bit. He'd also worked as a preacher.

He'd even self-published a remarkably bold book. Do you know the title, Norm? Oh, no. Remind me. It was called the truth, colon, a companion to the Bible. Yeah, and I think he plagiarized like the entire book. Don't worry about that. Writing is hard.

You gotta plagiarize. For so long, Charles Guteau had struggled to find direction. But that day, when he read about James Garfield's success, he was elated. Elated because James Garfield seemed like the kind of candidate he could get behind. The kind of candidate who, on the campaign trail, might need. his support. And if he gave him that support and James Garfield became president, well, then James Garfield might just owe him something. Spoil system. And wouldn't it be great to finally get the position in life that he'd always deserved? On next week's episode, Rasko Conkling gets even

Dushier. Charles Guteau gets even deluluier, and James Garfield goes back to his farm, talks to a bunch of folks, hangs out with his wife and kids, and boy, he just seems like the sweetest guy. It'd be a shame if something happened to him. It sure would. Woo! Woo!

Wow, so beginning with the nomination. Very good, Kristen. You excited, you're ready to party? Here we are. Here we go. Yeah. Gosh, what was he going to say? You were going to say the proper way to sleep with a stranger is you put your feet on one in and they put their feet on the other end and then nothing weird happens unless one of you is into foot stuff and then boy you're just you're just horny all night. Just horned up. I know I was going to say this is pre-primaries, right?

Like they didn't this is like like back then you would just go to the convention and that's how you chose. the nominee for your party. They didn't do the primary thing. Because now I feel like the conventions are just kind of like all for show because we do primaries now. Political theater? Yeah, basically. Yeah, yeah, maybe. I actually don't know.

Yeah, I also don't know what it means to suck on a lemon, but. We'll figure it out. We will. We'll figure it out. Because other people will tell us. I mean, old-timey stunts back then, we don't know what they're doing. We don't. Indeed, we don't.

Kristen, this is going to be one hell of a series. I made a joke one time about how, like, if I was killed, the New York Times would print the headline, the gaming historian, assassinated. Perhaps your greatest joke, because that is so ridiculous. But I have since learned that an assassination is for a public political figure, so I don't think they would write that I was assassinated. I don't know, Norm. I feel like the death of a YouTuber, page one above the fold, no question. I'd be like 6A, I think. A little blurb.

Again, I think you are overstating your importance in section A of New York. Oh, okay, how about 6E? 12F. I'm going further down. No, this is a wild story. Obviously, there's a lot to cover in the times ahead. I'm excited to get more into James Garfield's backstory

because I feel like that's where you really start to love who he is. This episode, you get a taste for it, but I think you need more. Also, I know this was a lot of context, but I hope it gave enough context to kind of explain how this could happen. Yeah. Because I think when you just hear, oh, he oopsie daisies became the nominee, my skeptical ass is like, bullshit. Bullshit. He was campaigning hard. He was doing stuff behind the scenes, you know, blah, blah, blah. And certainly there was a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes. But he genuinely did not want this. No. And I guess my whole point about the primaries is that, like, this just wouldn't happen today. Technically, it could happen just because somebody, like, wins a primaries. primary in a state. The delegates of that state, I think it's like a promise. Like, yeah, we'll vote for you.

But I think they could just nominate somebody else. But like, yeah, the chances that's happening today are basically zero, which is not very fun. I want some more drama in my politics. Do you? Oh, my God. I would like less. I want way less. Please less. Please bore me, baby. So Norm, to wrap this episode up, it's my understanding that you're smug little booty. wants to read aloud. I think you should be. Why? Because when we started this podcast, the people said,

do we like the soundboard? No, sir, we do not. And you got a little self-conscious. You wondered, should I throw the soundboard into my nearest dumpster? Should I keep it just try to, you know, tap the brakes a bit? You tap the brakes. And then we put it in the dumpster. People demanded it back.

And so now you would like to read a few mournful comments begging us, begging us to bring back the soundboard. I mean, I remember when I first debuted the soundboard, people like quit the Patreon because of the soundboard. I was like, oh no. We lost a lot of good folks. What's happening? Yeah, so there's quite a few threads on our subreddit about this. Uh-huh. I know I said you were going to be the first

You had a bunch to read. I did find my favorite comment of all time. It's a comment on our latest episode on Spotify. It comes from someone named Kat Owens. Kat says, Norman, we don't care about psoriasis in your ears. Bring back the soundboard. Yeah, that was the one we mentioned here. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Top comment on Reddit from a thread called, Is this where we vote on the possible return of the soundboard? Top comment is justice for the soundboard. Yep. Mm-hmm. And then someone else comments, I feel like a monster for saying it, but I love the soundboard. Okay, I've got another one. Tomas Dominguez says on Spotify, all caps.

Yes, please find a compromise. I so miss the soundboard. Then they go off the all caps thing and say, I'm sorry about your cute little ears, though. Thank you for calling my ears cute. And we have found a compromise. I think the speaker works great. We'll find out when it's time to edit this bad boy. What if something oops, fudge stripes?

Kristen. What if we're all of a sudden the Republican nominee for president? Anything can happen. That's what I've learned. I feel like Henry Clay right now. I'm like the great compromiser. I have found the compromise. But no, I've gotten a lot of sweet comments.

Thank you very much. I mean, a lot of people were just like, there's just something missing. Yeah, the magic. The magic's gone. Yeah. But no, it's back. We found a workaround. So thank you all for your comments.

We appreciate it. We love getting feedback like that. And on that note, Kristen, should we wrap this episode up? Let's do it. You know what they say about history hoes? We always cite our sources. That's right. For this episode, I got my information from The Book, Destiny of the Republic, a tale of madness, medicine,

and the murder of a president by Candice Millard. The book, Dark Horse, the Surprise Election and Political Murder of President James A. Garfield by Kenneth D. Ackerman, plus reporting from PBS and the New York Times. Check the show notes for a full list of our sources. That's all for this episode. Thank you for listening to an old-timey podcast. Please give us a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. And while you're at it, subscribe. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash old-timey podcast. Join the Reddit community R slash old-timey podcast. Follow us on Facebook and YouTube and Instagram

at Old Timey Podcast. You can also follow us individually on Instagram. I'm at Kristen Pitts-Keruso and he's at Gaming Historian. And until next time, Tootulu, Tata, and Cheerio. Bye. Bye.

See ya. See ya. Soundboards back. Back again.