And That's Why We Drink - 3rd Annual Cryptids Unscripted Poetry Slam

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

Surprise! In honor of Friday the 13th, we have a pop-up, special Cryptids Unscripted episode to satiate that creepy, eerie, emo appetite of all of ours. Grab your cup of joe, glass of wine or Capri Sun and take your seats because we've got not one but two pukwudgies up first, also known as pukwudgie camaraderie. Then we have a potential Nightcrawler debut, Mothman's break up and dangerous encounter with an Arby's sign, a steamy love poem to Em, another lawsuit from Zak Bagans and last, but certainly not least, manic pixie squonk girl. "Squonky" is your prompt for next time around, folks... and that's why we drink!You can submit all your best (and worst, we love them all) cryptid slam poems to [e-mail]

hello and welcome to a uh a silly surprise a silly uh creepy surprise that we've had uh cooking up over here as you can see i've got my very lovely backdrop. One to keep with the vibe. Got my purple velvet robe on, which I won't start talking about, because otherwise I won't shut up. And I have yet to see what's cooking on Christine's end. It is to be revealed to me with the rest of you.

You can call me Mrs. Mothman. Mmm, I like it. Welcome. For those not watching, what a waste of your time. Here is

Sexy Mothman. I'm just feeling the coffeehouse vibe today. I'm very excited to get everybody's stories going. I wish you had a long Cruella de Vil cigarette, you know? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. This is a non-smoking establishment. Otherwise, I would have brought it with me. I feel like what's happening over there

is you're willing to break the rules a little bit, though. So I don't know if you can gather what's happening over there is you're willing to break the rules a little bit though um so i don't know if you can gather what's happening but um this are you gonna just kind of bob the whole time i'm letting you be the mc oh okay well yikes good luck to everybody but um to anyone wondering oh i really wanted and that's why we drink to do um crypt is unscripted this year but they never did it we did it it's right now well dummy sorry what did you say oh i said dummy i was yelling at the audience i thought you said tell me and i went tell you what i'm telling you right now. Sorry, I was insulting everyone.

Now I feel like a dummy. Yeah. Aha, I see. No, we're doing Cryptids Unscripted. We just, things kind of got in the way this time around. Can you believe it? We didn't stick to something. But we felt like I still really wanted to do Cryptids Unscripted.

Christine really wanted to do it. So this is the fun poem part. Unfortunately, this, because it's not live that means there is no live auction going on but we've got some poems we've got some coffee shop music to play underneath as if we're really there before your very eyes christine looks like she is going to be a villain by the end of this episode um i mean she looks like mothman but something's rubbing me in a way where i'm intrigued but fearful at the same time rubbing me too and it's a sharp feather and it's poking my throat so we'll see how the night unfolds this is a very moira rose neck situ feathery situation

you're giving moira rose energy yeah thank you much. That's the nicest compliment I've ever received. It's incredible. You really... I have to be honest. Nobody would wonder what you are. Everyone knows that you're Moira Rose. That's so nice. I actually realized, because I wore this for our Halloween show in Atlanta last year. And I forgot.

I had little antennas with curlies and i forgot them i left them somewhere in my closet but i i had this in a box and i was like i was gonna donate it and then i was like i know i'll find a use for it and lo and behold here we are well i wanted i thought the exact same thing where oh i'll wear my hersene shifter outfit but i actually when i was in atlanta i donated all of it before I immediately got rid of it yeah I mean I was packing all my feathers away and my like giant like boots and combat but I packed it all very carefully and you were like I'm getting rid of this shit I brought a whole like mini suitcase or duffel bag or something to hold all of it to get to Atlanta that's true you

had a separate suitcase for your costume that's true true. I do recall that. And then on the way to the airport, I made my Uber driver stop at a Goodwill on the way to the airport and I just dumped the duffels. You dumped like my identity out. So thanks. I really, I do regret it though, because today would have been the perfect time. I see. Listen, sometimes hoarding tendencies do me good. Rarely, but sometimes. So today we've just kind of got a general Halloween thing going on, but Halloween's right around the corner, folks. And by the way, if you folks haven't caught it yet, it is Friday the 13th that we released this. We thought it would be very special. Happy Friday the 13th, Christine.

Oh, you too. I wish you all the worst luck of your life. Oh my God, ditto. Okay, well, thank you to Eva, per usual, for finding these poems that people have submitted in. Now, because this isn't live and we never actually put out a formal request we're actually going through the the past submissions right we never got to read so this is actually working out really well for us because we didn't want to ignore all the yeah

we had so many good submissions and then when uh you know things went south with the live show last year and then you know we had a bunch that yeah like Em said we we didn't want to neglect so these are all brand new ones you haven't heard before I think Eva said you should go first so that's right so here I go and you know we Em and I don't have the music playing right now so we're just imagining it it's kind of like on beach too sandy when we just pretend like there's sad music underneath even though there's not yet so I'm going to try my best

to sound you know to match the music yeah and if you'd like to snap your wings and your claws along to the beat that's right we are all one in this coffee shop today this creepy creepy, creepy coffee shop. Oh, that's exactly right, Em. I love that.

Okay, here we go. This one says, Dear Eva, Em, and Christine, my name is Michelle. She, her, when I heard about your cryptid poetry slam, I knew I had to write something. I'm from Switzerland, and the only cryptids I grew up with are the Krampus, which I have up here, actually, Em, the one you gave me. I love him. Who I love. And the Totsle Wussle worm oh my gosh my mom threatened to call Saint Nicholas who would take me to live in the black forest with him

when I was naughty yeah this very German cautionary tales happening here uh thanks to your podcast I can now educate my friends on all the spooky stuff I learned from you. Now here is my poem. To set the scene first, it's a rainy Friday night. We are sitting in a dark old jazz club. Okay, here we can fade the music in, folks. In the corner of the bar sits a mysterious, fluffy creature, its face covered by a black hat, smoking a cigar. He looks at you, revealing his chipmunk-like face. He looks tired, almost sad. Emptying his whiskey, he gets up and waddles onto the stage and addresses the audience. We got a two. Fellow lost souls, sit back and relax as I recite my newest poem, titled Reunited, at last.

My friend, where are you? Alone in the woods. I am searching for you, the tree you grew on, still standing, reminding me of your absence. I wander the woods, searching, longing for you, my zesty friend.

I wand you here, I wandjukir, here with me. Krampus brought me the news of you living in a place far away. Iwanjukir, Iwanjukir, here with me. The Hursene Shifter has kept you captive, imprisoned in glass, to preserve your eternal beauty, guarded by a wannabe Canadian Bigfoot who only keeps you alive to please the shifter. Iwansukir, Iwansukir, here with me. On my way to find you, I am step by step. My tiny feet will carry me closer and closer to you, My tiny feet will carry me closer and closer to you, my zesty friend. I am coming to get you.

We will be reunited at last one day. Thank you. Oh. Well done. It says, I hope you enjoyed my little ode to the Pukwudgie. This tiny guy is my favorite cryptid, apart from the shifter, of course. Please let Lemon know that his friend is looking for him and that they will be reunited soon. Thanks for all the amazing work you do. Can't wait to hear about all the fun adventures Baby Lamp and Funcle M will go on.

Hugs from Switzerland, Michelle. Ooh, okay. Well, thank you. Thank you so much. And what a beautiful, what a way to kick this off. And what a sultry voice to recite it to. Lemon. Lemon. All right.

Our next one is interesting. Also called Pukwudgie at the Bar. Okay. We got a theme going. Okay. This is from- I guess maybe the second Pudgie- Pudgie.

The second Pud- Jesus, Christine. Are you okay, girl? I got stage fright, maybe. I think the second Pugwudgie was maybe emboldened by his friend going first, you know? And he's like, okay, now I can go. I see, I see. Yeah, the camaraderie is alive and well today in this creepy cryptid coffee shop. Exactly correct.

So this is from Erica, who uses she, her pronouns. Thank you for analyzing pronouns. And Erica says, I wanted to be more clever with my opening. Just said hello. But I'll try to keep it simple. Thank you, Eva, for opening and reading this email. Thanks for reading it on the pod. And you, I don't know if

that's eva or us are delightful well and that's why your story got picked my friend um he was such a sucker uh so now this is erica's submission for the cryptid poetry slam inspired by casey at the bat by ernest lawrence thayer in episode 304's talk of cryptid baseball teams. Aha, yes. The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bridgewater Triangles that day. The Paranormal League Finals had two more brackets to play. The Triangles won today's last game and the Jersey Devils did the same, creating a well-earned thirst after their games. Both cryptid teams went to Bigfoot's bar, where the majority found seats

in corners afar. The Triangles' Pukwudgie and a coach of the Devils approached the bar for drinks and vettels. The coach was named Lulu and the puck was named Tuck. Tuck fancied Lulu, so tried their luck. While the two cryptids sat, Tuck attempted a different at-bat. Lulu, recently single, lovely and tall, Tuck a romantic, but shy overall. Lulu's head lifted and Tuck's throat did clear before sharing congrats, small talk and cheer. From a corner came a lusty yell that humbled Tuck and rattled Lulu as well. Bigfoot retorted, enough of that. Sadly, their convo still fell flat. Lulu awkwardly checked her nails. Tuck's words started to fail.

Teammates gave jeers. Tuck the finger because hope still did linger. Hundreds of eyes were watching them flirt. Tuck's ears reddened and stomach did hurt. Finally, Bigfoot brought Lulu's pitchers and glasses, so Tuck offered help, but tripped, causing splashes. Wetting the floor and Lulu's top, Tuck stood mortified, watching each drip drop.

Close by, the hairy barman came to their aid. Sorry, pled Tuck. Strike one, the devil's bade. Please let me help, Tuck managed to their aid. Sorry, pled Tuck. Strike one, the devil's bade. Please let me help, Tuck managed to yelp. Lulu accepted the towel with Tuck's help. Kill him, Lulu. Charge the mound, shouted a devil. All right, Bigfoot hushed. Take it down a level. With a smile of charity, Lulu's eyes shone. Tuck's stomach fluttered and groaned. Tuck paid for more pictures, but once more they tripped.

Strike two, a devil bellowed as Lulu's top ripped. A remorseful Tuck begged, let me help, please. Stop, just stop, Lulu decreed. Lulu stirred and cold, Tuck feeling less bold, wouldn't leave their feelings untold. With a last effort, Tuck asked for a date. In agony, Tuck fell quiet to wait. Everyone expected Lulu's hell no. Tuck squirmed and gulped while time did slow. Oh, somewhere in this paranormal land,

the moon shines through. As a Pukwudgie beckons, Kier E-1-2! And another Jersey Devil's accepting this shout. But there is no joy in Bigfoot's bar, for Tuck the Pukuckwedgie has struck out. Man, bad day to beat Tuck. It's a beautiful story. A beautiful, tragic tale.

I was hoping for a happy ending, but it sounds like that Puckwedgie is a struck wedgie struck out that's right you know it wouldn't be a proper poetry slam if there weren't some trauma dumping going on you know heartache heartache heartache and tummy ache we all think about lulu today that's right and uh and poor tuck uh may he find some happiness somewhere else uh thank you who is that from again erica thank you erica all right uh let me grab the mic i have another uh submission here this is from kristin uh who says as someone who has been to Point Pleasant I have a probably unhealthy obsession with the one and only Mothman

so when I saw this opportunity I just had to take it and have some fun thanks for the laughs and entertainment this show has given me something to look forward to and distract me y'all are the best that's true the title of this poem is Mothman it's over

it's over That's true. The title of this poem is Mothman, It's Over. It's over? Come into the light. Join me in the day. They warn of your flight. It's an omen, they say. That bridge you destroyed? Those people you scared?

Were these things you enjoyed? You never really cared. You had one goal in mind, and it pulled you in, forcing it all to unwind those lights' unreachable sin. You reach for the stars, but hit LEDs. That billboard isn't Mars. It's a sign for Arby's. So good! So good! Your obsession with brightness worries us all. I know you can't

fight this, but I can't take the fall. Go back to your lair, or your cave, or whatever. It's safer there. We can't be together. Oh, that's powerful stuff, Kristen. Oh, so tragic.

I felt the head-on collision into Arby's. That part was visceral. I think we all had a visceral reaction to that line. I felt it egregiously. It was painful at best. So this next one, this is from Cassie who uses she her pronouns thank you for analyzing pronouns and cassie on this fine night in this creepy cryptic coffee shop uh wrote us a poem about the fresno nightcrawler oh i'm excited for that all right get get your feathers fluffed everybody i wonder if this is what is this our first uh

nightcrawler poem maybe ever is this the nightcrawler's debut at the poetry's maybe not i think she's dipping one of her little tippy toes right onto the stage for the first time imagine that leg though like those two legs just strutting across the stage i i feel like it's like she's doing it a little sexy like a little yeah like one little leg is sticking out from behind the the curtain it's like a little tease just like a little cabaret situation oh yeah oh yeah burlesque fresno nightler. Burlesque. Oh, Fresno Nightcrawler, you crawler of night. The first time I saw you, you gave me a fright. Though now I know better, you're all leg and no bite.

I wish I could meet you. It'd be such a sight. We'd go somewhere quiet on a starlit hike. I'd spend the time wishing I were the one that you like. Some say that you're alien, but that might be from spite. To me, you're no different than some guy named Mike. The end. Beautiful.

You know, I beg to differ. I think you're more than Mike. I think that's true on the Fresno Nightcrawler. I think you've got a little warmer of a spot in my heart than just some Michael. To be fair, you haven't been rejected like apparently Cassie was. Oh, I've been rejected. Don't you worry. Not by the Nightcrawler. Seems like she has another heartbreak here. I feel like everyone's just having some relationship problems today at this particular Cryptid Slam. It's a time for all of us to really look within.

Yes. We've all been there. Just love yourself you know, love yourself. Be one with yourself. You literally look like I'm on drugs. Because that's what I feel I look like.

You look like, I can't place it, but you look like some, there was either a Lizzie McGuire or like Lindsayindsey lohan like disney 2000s like maybe the parent trap or something there's a character you look exactly like you look like i i have no idea off the feathers because i don't think that was in parent trap but maybe a different one with everyone's eyes uh that's watching one of us knows what I'm talking about.

Someone knows. Someone will know. But it's from a movie and you look like the evil person that comes out to like... Meredith the stepmom? Kind of. Maybe that's it. No, I don't remember a scene where she's in Feathers. But you really look like...

I don't know. Maybe it's like the Lizzie McGuire movie and you look like you're about to go on stage. I have no idea. I just can't stop trying to place you. Mothman about to read a poem that was sent in by Kay. Yes. You're right. Kay, who says, she, her, and cancer.

So you know this is going to be heartfelt. So this says, hello it's from k here is some poetry i wrote inspired by zb and his crew and the ghosts they interact with hope you enjoy this will be the most haunting of me thinks. Oh, I don't know. Oh, la la. Let's call this one empty. Ooh. The house on the hill has been empty for years. The paint has peeled. The wood now creaks and the ceiling leaks with every coming rain.

Oh. And yet I still reside here. My voice has turned into the groans of wind as it passes through the windows. My cries are the force that raises the hairs on your arm as you pass me by. I see nothing and everything. I scream at intruders that disturb my eternal damnation, but their recordings only pick up whispers. While they record the hair standing on their arms, they wonder why they shed tears as they film. My loneliness is in their eyes. I am only the ball of light debunked as dust or a stray bug. As I run through their skin, I am desperate to feel their life to no avail.

For I am no longer physical, but I am here, although you cannot see me, and this house is anything but empty. Hmm. The end. Rumble, rumble, my immortal portal is just... That was sad. that was so fucking sad

this is a sad poetry slam i feel like it fits though with uh for sure whatever zach bagans sees when he looks in the mirror maybe he just yeah just like uh the ball of light dismissed as just a ball of light but it's really i mean this is i don't think it was sad i think it was um very fitting to some bullshit he would say thinking he was like really deep you know but it's about the ghost i know but i feel like if he were to personify it this is what he'd say for sure okay fair point i suppose i totally see it i totally see it i think this was very on par i i mean i agree with that 100 well done who wrote that i found that very beautiful that was k thank you k thank you k for really knowing nailing it way

too well how he might try to translate the experience of a ghost. Yeah, yeah. That was really powerful stuff. Our next one is from Marigold. And this one just kind of goes right into it. I wrote this immediately following the second annual Cryptids Unscripted. So here we go. At one event per second, the frequency hurts. Ghosts calling in, they beckon. Spirit box alerts.

With strength of form and muscle, do you run away? The darkness post-cropuscle, playground for the fray. Goose cam on your arms and legs, hair rising on end. Words form at your lips, you beg. Leave us, peaceful friend. Invisible fingertips descend down your spine. A shiver, just get a grip, they target your mind. Again, you plead, go away. The box answers no. plead go away the box answers no the flashlight clicks off they say and where will you go heartbeat pounding in your ears eyes see only black you turn to run from your fears they restrain you back alive or dead they don't care much spirits neveririts never do. Yearn for flesh with a soft touch. Inhabit skin.

You. Wide awake, you bolt upright. Owl pal sleeps beside. Radiostatic emits fright. A dream? You still hide. Morning comes. You're paralyzed.

An insomniac. The spirit box words randomized. Yes, we will be back. Is that the end? That's the end. Beautiful. And also terrible. Sorry, Em.

That seems to be about you and your future. Sure does. Sure does. Wow, I love it. Personally, I'm into it uh personally the part that resonated most with was al pal sleeps beside and then also all the horrible stuff so everything else that's bad all of it all of it felt exactly accurate so especially the part where m totally knew how to say crepuscule uh and so did i totally 100 without having to check google and

then editing that part out so we're naturals and we could have gotten away could have gotten away with that yep i couldn't help myself uh this is one of the reasons i don't like mothman she just she just talks and talks and talks she doesn't even know what to stop talking um no very well done i i gotta tell you it all felt like just a just a typical night in burbank california for me so well done well done beautiful uh you really captured m's day-to-day life uh this is from let me see asher they he double pronoun double pronoun so asher wrote i write as a hobby and i was bored at work and created this masterpiece oh okay just okay the confidence okay loving it okay king last night i put on my favorite podcast what would m cover never mind that christine okay

wait hang on a second this is is me interrupting from the audience. How dare you? And then security has me removed. Okay. And then I go, carry on. This is just fine. Start over, please. I'd like to hear it again.

Say it louder. Yeah. Last night, I put on my favorite podcast. What would Em cover? Never mind that, Christine. I looked on the episode guide and scrolled up to the last my parasocial lover would get to speak to me but it only lasted two hours and they took all my power hey there's an m-shaped hole in my heart got my headphones on in the dark

who the hell is allison just ruining relationships everywhere wow everyone's in just fucking destructo mode today hey there's an m-shaped hole in my heart got my headphones on in the dark who the hell is allison and just like James Madison, I'll write my own ghost story where they pass me right by through that M-shaped hole in my heart all the time. Episode 300 and I'm still a wasted space. M, please just hover like a gray alien. It's been a good five years and I still can't touch their face.

What? And you'll just hug her. Anne, what are you seeing? Allison's going to come kill you after, by the way, if you say one more word. No, Allison's going to just look at me and go, iconic. Allison's going to be like, is this on Wattpad? It feels like it is. But it only lasted two hours and they took all my power.

Hey, there's an M-shaped hole in my heart. Got my headphones on in the dark. Who the hell is Allison? And just like James Madison, I'll write my own ghost story where they pass me right by, through that M-shaped hole in my heart all the time. Oh, if they were a murderer, I'd be their sadistic fangirl. And they'd be my superstar, murder me and my whole world. But they just passed right by through this M-shaped iris in my eye.

Right by. Hey. Hey, there's an M-shaped hole in my heart. Hey, there's an M-shaped hole in my heart. Hey, there's an M-shaped hole in my heart hey there's an m-shaped hole in my heart got my headphones on in the dark who the hell is allison and just like james madison i'll write my own ghost story where they pass me right by through that m-shaped hole in my heart all the time the end hello oh my god m you have a secret secret admirer i don't think it's very secret anymore it's certainly very out in the open now this is like a a um a slipped a scripted poetry slam

first uh that we have a profession well not a profession of love but a profession of love for the mc this is a first i i'm very honored my gemini ego is all over the place currently i'm loving it my gemini reeling in fucking seething outside i'm outside in the alley wow well i'm i wonder what the uh m-shaped hole in your heart looks, because I'm betting it's like horizontal eating snacks and asleep until 3 p.m. But I wonder what your idea of an M-shaped hole looks like. I think Eva is just like trying to punish me. Like the fact that I had to read that one out loud

was so painful. Like who the hell cares about Christine? There's an M-shaped hole in my heart. I had to say 85 times. You're not going to be able to clip my voice saying that like I'm some sort of creepy fangirl. And and Allison, the

line about what do you see in her? Oh my Lord. Apparently my screen has gone doesn't even know what to do about this information anymore. It's I guess we're just gonna it'll figure itself out. Wow. We are getting some serious drama

in the building today and I just snuck back in through the emergency exit. So I'm ready for the next poem. Oh my God. Okay. Well I'm sorry. It's blurry right now. Hang on a second. It gets worse every time you put your hand up. I would just like let it sit for a second.

There it goes. Thank you so much for the love letter i am wondering where the where the cryptid part of that is um yeah yeah that's a weird choice to pick that one um just saying i feel like that was not it i feel like that one wasn't a cryptid unscripted entry i feel like call you cleatus which is your cryptid name i feel like that was just a letter that got sent into the email and you just threw it in. That was just a love letter that got slipped in. And it was, I mean, it was very romantic. I'll take it.

I'll take it. I love that for you. I can't wait to make Allison listen to that and then sing it to me every night. Yeah, well, apparently I was reading it and I'm like, oh my God, it feels like this should be a song because yeah it did sound like a song like hey and i'm like how do i wish i could sing because i would have definitely started started that halfway through but uh maybe someone can well i was gonna say maybe someone can put some music behind it and then i was like never mind i don't want to propagate this any further i feel like um well with your feathers you would have looked like a jaded pop star anyway it would have been perfect moira rose i told you uh yeah that was a wild ride for me and i i enjoyed every second

of it so uh thank you i loved it thank you so much uh good to know i've got someone out there you know in case all else fails like yeah i'm glad i'm glad i could go into my email and and that could just be speed dating for me so great yeah if you need a new a new setup i got you all right this is from uh courtney and uh this just straight to the point thanks courtney all right here's our poem squonk your tears fill my heart don't run and hide it is your time to shine this may be simple you look like you're covered in pimples but don't frown because when you're around the clouds part and the sun showers start that's it that was beautiful that that could have been written on a post-it note and stuffed in the squonks locker on a day when he wasn't feeling good you know imagine honestly that's so uplifting and i feel like i would have imagined that the squonk of all the poems would have been the saddest

of all but this one was the happiest so far i mean in his own love letter he did get called out about the pimples that's got to be i know that part seemed unnecessary but uh i maybe the pimples are honestly so bad that it had to be addressed otherwise someone had to say it it would have looked like this wasn't genuine you know maybe the post-it note was on a bottle of Accutane that they slipped into the Squonk's locker. That is so sad, but probably. That's the saddest thing we've said all day. Look, I'm just happy then the love letter I got, no one mentioned my pimples, so I guess I'm doing better than the Squonk. That's true, man. You got just glowing praise so far. Yeah. Let's keep this gravy train going, you know? Okay okay let's see what we got next

another love letter let's see this one's called oh dear oh dear this one is from elise she her and it's called the budget immortal portal poem slash song oh excellent i love that it's a song and i love that we don't know what rhythm we're supposed to sing it to. Yeah, I love when they tell me here's a song. Yeah, let's go. Ready, set, go. And that's why we drink. Exploring the paranormal brink. Drinking wine or fraps or shakes.

All the stories you could take. Murderers and black eyed kids. True crime encrypted. UFOs and men in black. Into it we will crack Tangents will happen We devolve Crazy cases left unsolved

Zach attacks on bagel bites The never ending Twitter frights Christine attaches to petrified fruit M pretends it's not a hoot It's not You keep pretending Scary stories every week It's not. Sassy the clown sightings voice haunted dolls who knows what lurks in the halls mama madness and emails Linda's fashion and Renata's tales here we go into the reddit void

to see how people get annoyed no don't take me there please I don't want to go get redacted redact that geo scorpios and gemini's motive opportunity alibis the podcast that forged best friends i kind of hope it never ends the end excellent i also hope it never ends but i don't kind of hope it never ends i very sincerely hope it i very sincerely hope I can keep my job for as long as possible. That would be lovely. That was nice. Thank you. I loved that, actually. That was all about us.

As I said, we all got a shout out. Where are the cryptids? What's going on? Where's the immortal portal? I feel like Eva is just sucking right up to us. She said that these are the unhinged theme. Oh, I see. Excellent. Okay. Well done. Well done, Eva. Excellent. It shows. said that that these are the unhinged theme oh i see excellent okay well done well done eva excellent um it shows so it certainly does um before we get into this i always mess this up

as m-i-k-a mika or micah or could it be either i think it's either uh okay i'm gonna i would say mika it says i'm from austria and in german you would say mika not micah okay so this is from mika who uses they them pronouns and as a gemini so thank you so much to fellow them and i's them and i uh mika says that they read they wrote this after listening to the hersing shifter episode i'm very excited and my favorite thing is that it starts out this isn't a poem i don't think it might be a bit of a poem but it's a long form oh um and it starts zach's diary no zach's investigation day 523 shut the fuck up shall i read it as zach obviously Investigation, day 523. Shut the fuck up.

Shall I read it to Zach? Obviously! And then I saw her. The one I had been looking for all along. The one I was destined to be investigating. I saw her bright eyes glowing in the dark. Her patchy fur her plum juice covered belly she was more demonic than i could have ever imagined so is this my love story yours was like so infatuated mine is like she's fucking gross but but there she is. Here's her hairy, juice-stained belly. The first thing you notice is her belly covered in juice and all her bald spots.

That's fucking great. I love it. I love it. It's my own fault because I wrote this. Yes, exactly. That's true. This is canon. I'm sorry, everybody.

Canon fodder. That's true. This is canon. I'm sorry, everybody. Canon fodder. So here we go. I had heard lore about this creature, speculating if she was a cryptid, a demon, or worse. I had researched her carefully, read books, read flyers for hours and hours to days and weeks. I had lost hope that I would ever see her, but there she was, looking at me, making goat-like sounds. The smell of citrus filled the air. I was starstruck. I was impressed. I was scared.

I looked to her feet, and yes, just as described, with her Rothia's shoes made out of recycled water bottles, machine washable. All the traits of the Hursting Shifter I could finally see. The creature of my dreams, the chosen one. So I uttered a careful, hello. The voice that came back, the voice that came back to me was not hers. It was quieter,

lighter, whispering something I couldn't quite understand. Understand. Understand. Understand. I now confidently shouted, Hello? And saw the unimaginable crawling out from behind her. A smaller creature, barely two feet tall,

so oddly and creepily similar to the shifter. I was frozen in fear, but couldn't look away. Was it her offspring? Was it another demon? I couldn't understand what was happening. I looked at its face, and what I saw made the blood run cold in my veins. This tiny being had bright, white, shiny fangs in the corners of its mouth. This I was not expecting. I started feeling dizzy from fear.

I stumbled. I fell backward. Fell into the dirt with my acid-washed jeans. No! The last thing I heard from it before everything went black was a quiet but now fairly audible Fresh. Finn. Everything went black was a quiet, but now fairly audible. Fresh.

Fin. Wow, that was powerful. And I felt titillated. I can't believe Zach wrote in. That was so nice of him. He knew, you know, I said, listen, I wrote out on DM. I DM'd him. I said, there's gonna be a cryptid on scripted.

Everyone really wants to hear from you. We've been wondering where you are. Just pretend my name's Mika. Yeah, he said, I'll talk to Mika. We'll see what happens. Mika stole my diary. So Mika, they can send you in a page of it. He said, I was wondering where my diary went.

And I knew Mika had recently been here. So yeah. And now a page from day 523 is missing what could it mean another investigation from me that's another lawsuit for us they're just piling up allegedly allegedly my favorite word okay and now we've got our final christine this is the last one oh okay i'm already so sad um this i'm very excited about already it's from chelsea and the title is manic pixie squonk girl girl yes yes yes yes yes yes bring her to the. That's what I want to wear next year to the Poetry Slam. Manic pixie pimples. You'll handle it.

I'll just wear all those pimple patches so it looks like I'm just covered in proactives. And then cry about how ugly you are. Don't forget. Oh, I will. That part will be easy. Actually, what I'll do is I'll read the poem from Asher about how I don't matter anymore. And then that'll get the poem from Asher about how I don't matter anymore. And then that'll, that'll, that'll like get the tears flowing.

Sure. Okay. Just kidding. Asher. Okay. So manic pixie squawk girl. Here we go. Sallow face,

simpering gate, queasy belly, questioning gaze, uniquely pitiful, unjustly condemned, obscuredured reflection offensively made naive by nature nocturnal by circumstance kind of sad kind but sad oh the end that was beautiful don't i know it powerful stuff man everybody has just put in so much emotion and just heart behind these that's a lot of feeling that's a lot of feeling that we just went through a lot of kind of sad feeling but definitely some you know with the

with the with the music that i created a few years ago i remember to remember I upped the volume on the rain outside, the pitter-patter of the rain. So it does definitely match that vibe. Yeah. It sounds like we've all got an unrequited love we're just sitting with. Yeah. It sounds like we're entering Scorpio season, which we will be when this comes out. We'll be like 10 scary days away. Terrifying. Yeah. So I think it is the proper mood to enter into that part of the year, that Halloween season, just kind of eerie and just heartbroken. I hope everyone liked our creepy cryptid coffee shop, cryptid unscripted.

This is our third annual. I know it's not the same as the auction but we've done three years now of reading some excellent poetry i did not know we had so many wordsmiths among amongst us i'm impressed and then uh i was gonna say there were some in iambic pentameter but the one that was in iambic or that said it was they sent it again and were like actually i just realized this is not iambic pentameter but i was like okay no i wouldn't even begin to know i would have said it though and everyone would have been like that's not iambic pentameter so uh glad i didn't say it then yeah me too uh well you and all your creepy cryptid friends back there did your did your friends enjoy all

the all the fine words today they snapped along uh i saw they started moving i wasn't gonna say anything yeah yeah you were just gonna let me get you know attacked by my own friends i i feel like i think this like a collar is like adding it's 40 degrees to my body temperature and my brain is like the oxygen to my brain is definitely lacking right now. I was going to say you do have a different personality when you wear that. And I know you just said that it's literally melting your head off. But at the same time, I think this is the first time I'll ever say I'm happy you did not throw something away that probably should have been tossed a long time ago.

So you you know what? Everyone remember this moment it's the first and only and last time em will ever be supportive of me keeping something that uh should probably be tossed so thank you and that was very big of you to say thank you everybody uh for coming to a surprise cryptid unscripted um we next year happy october and uh you know i guess we'll definitely at least have poems again next year i would like to do either the auction or something fun and live stream it again this year it just got a little wonky but got away from us uh it got a little squonky you know squonky well there we have it that's all right wordsmiths that's your prompt squanky go just kidding i feel like the poor squank has gotten so much just like sad poetry uh like love

hate yeah don't feel you have to write about squank but feel free to um i might write a cletus one next time just you know if anyone wants to write more love letters, that's totally fine about me. It's like totally chill. Em does totally won't mind if you do that. I won't even think about it. Asher's going to be pissed if there are other love letters and you're like all into those too. Asher's going to be like, mine

was the original love letter, Em. You know what? That is the first I've read. So you're right. You are the original. But thank you everyone for coming to Cryptid Unscripted. We'll see you next year for year four. And hopefully it's got more twists and turns in this year. Yes. We wanted to do a little pop-up poetry slam.

Yes, exactly. Thank you, everyone. and see you next year and that's why we drink mothman popping back in here real quick to let you know that if you want to submit a story for next year's uh cryptids unscripted you can send that to atwwdfromourcouches at gmail.com. That is atwwdfromourcouches at gmail.com. And you can send in your poetry submissions or your cryptid stories. All right. See you later.