And That's Why We Drink - E33 Coughin’ on Coffins and #WereTheBride

Episode Date: September 17, 2017

The one and only Lisa Lampanelli joins us this week for an epic episode! Tune in to hear the Queen of Mean get her orphans mixed up, reenact her teenage fight with the devil, and tell us about her her new podcast, Stuffed, available now on iTunes.We didn’t forget about the ghosts and murder, though. Em covers the Rolling Hills Asylum, where orphans, vagrants, and single women built their own coffins, and where all three of us are apparently qualified to live. Meanwhile, Christine covers the infamous serial-killer-couple Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka.This episode was sponsored by ModCloth, where you can find fashion as unique as you are. Use promo code DRINK at modcloth.com for 30% off your order of $100 or more!This episode was also sponsored by Hello Fresh, the meal kit delivery service that makes cooking more fun so you can focus on the whole experience, not just the final plate. For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com and enter promo code DRINK30!

hello lisa oh my god hello is it working do you hear me we hear you do you hear us okay yes or i wouldn't be able to answer that question Okay, guys, as we promised, we've got the one and only Lisa Lampanelli with us here today. Right, Em? Yes, we have her, yes. Are you excited? We have her right here. Her new podcast called Get Stuffed is premiering soon, and we're super excited to have her on with us. And Lisa, if you want to tell us a little bit about your podcast, you can go ahead and do that.

Yes, I'm very excited. First of all, I'd like to say hello to Christine and Em. Hello. For people who don't know this, the reason Christine allowed me on the show was because she happens to be engaged to my nephew. And I strong armed her into this booking because I mean, now that they have so many downloads, I'm not as much of a big shot as they thought I was. I like how you say we allowed you on the podcast. We have very strict rules about who's allowed.

You wrote in and we were like, we'll pencil Lisa Lampanelli in. We'll pencil you in. Well, you know what's funny, though? Because when I decided to do a podcast, because I was like, OK, I want to quit calling into shows like to promote myself to the press and everything. I can't take it. And then they told me, well, you should do podcasts because the podcasting community is sort of insular and you should promote your new podcast on other podcasts. And they go find ones that have downloads of over 100,000. So I said, OK.

So I reached out to you guys at your whatever the hell this thing is called podcast. And I was like, you know, even though they're kind of losers with a dream, I'm going to go on. And then I find out you have like tons of downloads. So I'm like, oh my God. And I want to tell you in advance, just to toot your horn a little bit, while I've never listened to the podcast, just because I'm really busy and important, I do indeed have a t-shirt of yours that I wore in an upcoming episode of Comedy Central's Taskmaster. So I think that's pretty fucking supportive.

I think you're a number one aunt-in-law. That was the biggest deal. Christine told me that you were wearing it on the show and I lost my mind. I was pretty excited. It's a pretty big deal. Thank you for helping us. No, but you guys are nailing it. I'm super proud of you.

I always say like this, you know, if you have a dream, you go after it and you didn't obviously go after it for the money. You went after it out of love and look, it took off. So this is what I'm trying to teach people on my podcast with Lisa Lampanelli, which premiered this week to rave reviews. And I will tell you this. Let me tell you something. These people who ask my advice, I only like it if they listen to me and do what I say. So for an hour a week to these people, me and my guest co-host, Mike Morse, we give advice. Well, pretty much I give the advice because what the fuck does Mike know? He works for free, you know, come on. He's the unpaid intern. Yes, basically, that's it. Now,

I hear on this show of yours, this little podcast, if you will, that you talk about what makes one drink. Is that your situation? That is what we do. Yeah, we let the whole thing. That's literally the entire point. It's the entire point of our lives, so we decided we would just start recording it and let other people live in our misery. I like this idea very much because, see, now as you can tell, and as people know from my journey of weight loss and weight struggles, while you say, and that's why we drink, mine of course is, and that's why I eat. Sure. Because I always use food to medicate. I'm trying not to anymore, but it's very difficult. So I hear I'm supposed to tell why I was tempted to eat this week. Shall I vent? I would. That's all we want. Please go. Listen, I'm letting you

in on a new project I'm doing. Not I play stuff, what I'm also working on is a very terrific musical. Now, I'm like the Lin-Manuel Miranda if he was white. Just the same. One and the same, really. Exactly. And I am writing a comedy musical called Rape Kit the Musical. What? comedy musical called Rape Kit the Musical. Now, this stemmed from the fact that Mariska Hargitay has a foundation and she made a documentary that there's many rape kits, many, many rape kits

that have gone untested. And a lot of these rapers are running around raping willy nilly. So I said, well, this sounds like a hilarious comedy concept to me. I think a musical is appropriate. Well, yesterday when I get home, I was going to take a whole day and watch my favorite show to take notes, which of course is law and order special rape show, which is on every day, all day on USA. And sometimes I, and I on positively television, if you're lucky. Right, of course. Featuring Elliott Stabler. Of course. Oh, my God. The sexiest man alive.

So sexy. For reals. So I get home, ready to take notes for Mariska. All of a sudden, I turn on the USA. They're showing NCIS! Turn on the USA. They're showing NCIS. How am I supposed to write my big musical opening number to Rape Kit without a Law and Order marathon?

Well, I got to say, right then, I almost cracked up in the freaking power bars. And I don't mean the good ones. I mean the Snickers ones, okay? So you know what I did instead? I said, Lisa, are you going to let this rape show make you fat? And I said, no, you are not. So you know what I did? I went to sleep instead and got nothing done. That's what you have to do. You get your, you get depressed and then you go to sleep. So see see, my whole life worked out yesterday. I did not allow it to let me eat. But doesn't that what happened?

What happens to you guys? What makes you drink slash eat slash bang indiscriminate people? Let's take our pick. This week I drank for a good reason, which is my girlfriend now lives in L.A. So there's no more long distance. But I was drinking because I was in a long distance relationship for a long time. By the way, how is it having the girlfriend live in the area? It's awesome so far. She, okay, listen, she made us. And when I say us, I mean, M me, Alexander and blaze. She made us fettuccine Alfredo with chicken and asparagus

tonight. Yeah. Right before we called you. See, who's feeding me? Nobody. Well, Em thought you were here in town. I really thought I was going to get to see you again. And I got here and I was like, where's Lisa? And Christine was like, oh, she's on the East Coast. And I was like, well, what the fuck? I thought we were having a whole interview with her today.

Well, I got to be honest, I would have stayed. But as you know, I'm very famous, very important. I started rehearsals today for my play Stuffed. And I tell you what, it's terrific. So I don't have time for the likes of you except after hours. So you're welcome. Thank you. Well, that's true. Because every time I've seen you, it has been after hours. You took us to House of Pies at one in the morning one time. I'm a nice person. No one would guess Lisa Lampanelli has a heart of gold and goes to see her niece-in-law do this improv, as you call it.

Nobody guessed that I'm a very nice person. I'm pretty sure you did text her right before she went on the stage, though, and said, don't suck don't suck oh yeah yeah well that's a old comedy trick then you have it in your head you're gonna suck and then you never do you try harder i know all the tricks would i be this famous and calling you guys on this high selling podcast i don't think so no listen to. You know how my podcast is fantastic and interesting. Oh yeah. I know all about that. Yes. Get stuffed on iTunes, feral audio.com. I want to say this. What I like about your podcast, from what I hear, you talk about these crime stories and these ghost stories. Now crime is very interesting to me, as you know, by my history with Law and Order Special Rape Show. Oh, sure. I joke, of course. I seem to be making rape heavy comments.

So I want to apologize. You can cut a few of them out because I have to fill in your female listenership. If they don't know who I am, I think lightly of this subject, which I don't. But let me get in on some of this action. I want to hear about this paranormal thing because I don't believe in any of it. So I think you know what my reaction is. So hit us with your paranormal story. I knew coming into this that I was going to get a lot of shit from you, Lisa, because I think the first thing you ever said to me was, so you're the one that runs the bullshit part of the podcast. Yeah, I think that was an exact quote. I'm actually very impressed that you remembered the exact quote.

Very good. Well, I was actually a fan of yours. I am a fan of yours. Jesus, that was fucking rude. But I was a fan of yours growing up. And I was like, I wonder if I ever met one of my favorite comics. What would they say to me? And you broke the mold's that's what you said spot on spot on so thanks for that memory I'm happy I could make a dream come true yay okay so um my story is a haunted

asylum this week called the rolling hills asylum in New York and uh usually what i do is give a little history first and then i tell all about the different uh haunting experiences that have happened and you're more than welcome to jump in and say your piece i'm sure you've got a lot of opinions about all the shit i'm about to say yeah i was gonna say thanks for giving me that permission that i didn't need okay so um so it's located between Buffalo and Rochester in a town called East Bethany. And it started as a carriage house in a stagecoach tavern in the 1700s. And around the 1820s, there was a mandate in New York that said all counties were charged to now have to take care of the poor. And so they had to find property to house all of these people.

And around 1826, 1827, the county purchased this property and called it the County Poor Farm. Oh, that's kind of rude. Well, it was a poorhouse, and it was just a place to keep people who couldn't fend for themselves, essentially. So in the 1800s, their welcoming brochure allowed these people as followed. Habitual drunkards. So Christine's already there.

So me. Lunatics. So Lisa's there. So Lisa's there. Debtors, the chronically ill. Paupers, who are just people who have no income at all. So almost me. So us too, yeah.

And then people who are blind or old or disabled and vagrants. Wow. So we're all screwed back then. We're all screwed, especially because in the 1820s, vagrants included single women and children. What? Because at the time, they couldn't own their own land. Oh, Lisa.

So all single women. I'm in. So get this. It also became an orphanage at the same time that it was becoming a sanitarium. Oh, so Lisa, there's also a bunch of children there. A bunch of poor homeless children. Well, as you know how much I love them. Oh, my.

All right. So orphans were brought there to remove them from the town streets because they were being beggars sure um so they took orphans in they took single women in and then everyone on the list so by the late 1940s it was a sanitarium an orphanage and a tuberculosis ward oh god you know what this is literally now that you said tuberculosis oliver yes the musical oliver because that bitch nancy died of tb i believe yeah now what i will reenact for you a a few lines from oliver please do oh damn it guess what i was about to do annie i got my orphans mixed oh come on okay i'm gonna do a little annie here we go it's a hard knock life for us it's a hard not life for us

me me me me me molesting us that's it were you just waiting for every an excuse to sing Annie on air? Every time I hear the word orphan, I think it's a hard knock life. I think it's just a gift I have and everybody wishes they were me right now. Definitely a gift for sure. I also think that it definitely would be an interesting sequel for it to not just be orphans, but also like tuberculosis patients and vagrants and homeless people. Right. All at one time just singing about how hard their life is. Right. All at once. I totally agree because being an orphan now is like pretty common and normal. Like nobody cares, but you have a TB orphan who's blind and a vagrant.

You don't buy that book. And a vagrant. Vagrant. I love that. And also I do love that single single women were considered like non earners and they had to go in there. They couldn't own their own land. It's so sad. It gets it gets worse, guys. Oh, good. So despite their reason for being there, they were all called inmates. And they were, I guess, to live there, they needed to work to help feed the poor house so they either raised animals grew food they would can bake or work in the wood shop where they primarily built coffins for themselves what what the fuck yeah wow yeah that's bad that's that's like pushing a new limit here that's like preparing for the ultimate your ultimate gift gift is a coffin made by you.

That's rough. Well, what's ironic is those tuberculosis people were coughing on their way to the coffin. Hello, is this thing on? We just muted you. Sorry for that. So many of the patients there spent their entire lives there, including one woman who I think had the record. She lived there in the asylum for over 70 years from age nine to 80. No. Yeah.

So another guy that lived there, his name was Roy, and he has been living. He had been living in the asylum since he was 12. He had, was it gigantism? Oh. Gigantism? Isn't it elf? Does that mean his nutsack was really big? Yes.

Good job, Lisa. I'm guessing proportionally, yes. Isn't it called elephantitis? No, elephantitis is when one part of you is, is like such a large tumor, it's crazy. Oh, so this is just his ball sack? No, no, no. Oh. Everyone calm down.

Never mind. He was a giant. He was literally a giant. He grew up to be almost eight feet tall. Like Andre the Giant? Yes. Okay. Yes.

And so his father, who was a prominent banker in the town, was so embarrassed by him that they sent Roy to live in the orphanage Slash's Highland so it was kind of like he was a big giant elephant man yes exactly I am not an animal yes

that's so sad he also was known to have bulging exaggerated facial features and oversized hands and feet. So I'm assuming his testicles were about the same. And he grew to the height of almost eight feet. Oh, my God. The only thing I could find about him was that he was really kind and friendly and loved opera music.

But he also cried himself to sleep every night because his parents left him because he was so big. What the fuck? That's so sad. Like, I don't totally like when I used to watch The Elephant Man. Yeah, I always cry. I thought it was so sad because it's like, my God, he's he's just in this body. He doesn't want to be in. And then I got really overweight.

And before I'm like the beautiful, skinny person I am now. And I was like, fuck it. I'd rather be The Elephant Man than fat. At least people don't give give you The Ele elephant man a dirty look when he's walking down the aisle of a goddamn airplane to sit next to them. On the flip side, though, since we were just talking about one man's enlarged balls, have you heard about this guy who has the world's largest penis? And it's like what? Like the world's largest for humans. But his is like before hard. He's like 14 inches long. No, that's not possible. That's just a waste. Let me tell you something.

That's horrible. He's it's like any more than seven inches is a waste, in my humble opinion. It's just like it's not necessary. And by the way, that's hurtful to people. And by people, I mean women that he's going to have sex with. That's my thought. There's like a documentary about him. And apparently a bunch of women would go on dates with him until they saw the size and would leave him. Like they couldn't handle it. Oh, no.

Obviously, they couldn't handle it. Wait. So how big? OK, sorry to be like whatever. But how big is it when it's. I don't know. But I'm guessing. Several feet. A meter, a it's... I don't know, but I'm guessing... Several feet?

A meter? A yardstick? I don't know. Holy... They called him, you know what his nickname was? The Human Tripod. Yes, that's precisely the title of the documentary, actually. Oh, wow, Lisa. It was like a kickstand. So these, quote, inmates, they were also led under a nurse named Nurse Emmy, E-M-M-I-E.

And she was allegedly involved in the dark arts and sold the orphans into satanic cults. What? And also used them in black magic sacrifices because they were orphans. No one cared, I guess. Oh, no one cared, I guess. Oh no. And, uh, patients were regularly chained to walls,

given, uh, mind altering drugs to calm them down. They were lobotomized. They had ice baths. They were electric shocked. And eventually to keep the incredibly unsafe patients away from the general population,

they put them in their own solitary confinement cells, which always does so much better for such a good idea. There are still iron brackets protruding from the cement walls because they used to shackle the inmates for any reason at all, including Alzheimer's, epilepsy, Tourette's, which I actually have. So I would definitely be shackled up, be shackled up or just being an unruly wife. So, oh, God, apparently a guy could tell his wife, I'm going to lock you up and actually take them to the asylum and lock them up for a certain amount of days until they were more obedient. Oh, no. What do you have to say about that, Lisa?

I mean, in the guy's defense, women can be really annoying. Yeah. So hang on. It gets worse so in the in the main kitchen in the basement animals were slaughtered and butchered on site there and during the tuberculosis epidemic uh when the morgue was full bodies would get put into the meat freezers with the animals and oh god and it said that a lot of the nearly dead patients would get put in the freezer just to die faster what because they just wanted them out of the way and we just put them in there while they were still

alive what the fuck um over 1700 documented deaths happened on this property throughout its time oh my and most of them are buried under the property now in unmarked graves because there used to be a cemetery and the location has just gotten lost oh throughout time good um so it reopened as an antique mall for a couple years and by 2007 it's now just a haunted house that a couple happens to live in and they give ghost tours and um there's actually six different types of tours they range between an hour and eight hours so you can actually do a whole night lockdown and do all your own investigating. But that's the history of it.

So now I've just got some ghosts, some bullshit, according to Lisa. Yes, please hit us with your bullshit lies. So the typical stuff would happen where doors and windows would, you know, close and open on their own. Or they would lock people in or stick shut on either way so people would get trapped in the rooms um hair and clothes would get tugged people would feel cold hands touching their neck and then uh a lot of people have been reporting that they hear screams and sobs from the part of the building that used to that was once on fire and burnt all the way down, and about 30 of the patients died in that part of the building. Oh, no.

There is a black mist that can be found floating behind you if you're walking in the middle of the night. Ew. There is a, I guess there was a barber room, a barber shop in here, where the TB patients and orphans went, I guess. And the male visitors who sit in the chair can feel their hair getting touched and cut oh god uh well that's good that's an extra right there you usually have to pay extra for the massage during the haircut yeah that's a perk uh people in wheelchairs this is kind of fucked up but also cool people

in wheelchairs will feel themselves getting rolled down the hallways by some of the people there. Which, by the way, finally you get to do it with no hands. Yeah, finally you have a plus for being in a wheelchair. Exactly. So there was one account that I found. I'm just going to read the quote. This is from one of the investigators in 2007. We had a gentleman with us that was filming a documentary about the building.

He wanted to perform an experiment in one of the rooms where he put, he turned off all the lights and all the equipment and the only light that was on was a pink glow stick in the middle of the room. We also placed a small ball and a toddler-sized rocking horse in the circle and the gentleman conducted the experiment requesting that only I talk to the spirits and try to make contact with them. The glow stick started to move back and forth by itself and the rocking horse began to slowly rock. A few of the guests in the room, including myself, saw a hand and an arm come out of nowhere and reach for the ball and then vanish into air. Oh, no. So there's that.

Now, Christine, are you buying any of this listen i the reason i no offense m but the reason i befriended m initially is because i was like tell me everything about your paranormal experiences because i a thousand percent buy into it and blaze doesn't so nobody else will and neither does my brother so nobody else will talk with me about it. So M is really my go-to for this kind of stuff. My icebreaker when I met Christine, when we all had to awkwardly make friends with each other, was that I was a paranormal investigator, because that's just one that people remember. Oh, the moment she said that, I was like, I'm in. Yeah, she was like, oh, we're best friends now.

Okay. So I told her that, and then as soon as we got out here to LA, and we didn't know anyone, we had nothing but then we didn't have jobs either. So nope, nope, we had nothing to do but talk. And I ended up telling her all these stories. And yep, hooked her in beginning of the end people. Wow, because you know what, I think it's great that you do believe this stuff or else this podcast would end badly every week. Oh, yeah. Like you both telling you that you're full of shit and hanging up the phone and just being mean and then no fettuccine Alfredo for anybody. That's what I'm saying.

We're just here for the fettuccine Alfredo, if we're being honest. Sure. So women are told to avoid the old smoking room because apparently there's a presence in there that likes to grab women's breasts. Oh! Why would you want to avoid that? Lisa's like, sign me up! Yeah! Oh, I'm sorry, my intern is coming to

refill my wine glass. Thank you, thank you. Get with it, Allison. God, she is like a gem and a half. She's so attentive, so attentive. I think I'm gonna date her. I might date her too, just so you know. Okay. Anyway, go on. So, uh, on the second floor, there are footsteps and equipment, the sound of equipment moving, um, that can be heard from above, but there's actually no third floor. So it was almost like a false floor that you can hear sounds all night. Um, one person

said that their neck was burning and when their wife checked their neck, it was bright red and had scratch marks through it. Oh, which I'm sure skeptics out there could say he just scratched his own neck for attention. Who knows? Or maybe he had on like biofreezer been gay. You know what? That's true. I actually just had to stop using a deodorant because it was giving me chemical burns. Exactly.

So you're probably maybe you're right. See that? Lisa is just like debunking the shit out of me. Everything. So Roy. I'm a very realistic person. Although, may I just say one thing before I forget? What's that?

I once yelled the, I'm so scary when I'm mad that I scared the devil out of my mother's house. What happened? I was always convinced because I used to, as a kid, watch this soap opera about the occult called Dark Shadows. And it was about this vampire, Barnabas Jones. And so it was really scary. So I got all scared all the time. Every time my parents would leave the house. And so it was really scary. So I got all scared all the time. Every time my parents would leave the house one day I was night and I was like 17 years old and I was so scared because everybody was out except me. And I heard creaking and Christine probably doesn't know this because I don't yell in front of her, but I was like, that's the devil, you know, because I had just watched, I think, like Damien Omen three or some shit. So I looked at that freaking where that squeak was coming from and I yelled, oh, really, devil?

You can get the fuck out of here. You don't I don't believe your shit for a minute. Like I was gangster with the devil. Fucking stop squeaking. I so scary. I scared the devil out of the house. Maybe I do believe in the devil and I yelled at him and now I'm fucking supreme dude. Maybe the devil believes in you and just wants to get the fuck out. That's true. That's true. I swear to God, I feel pretty proud of myself that I'm that scary. You are just too powerful to be even infiltrated by this kind of stuff, I guess.

I think it's also a little bit of like the New York accent that you've got going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That helps. That's true. That's true. That'll scare anybody. Maybe I went like all Sopranos on his ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gangsta. My dad has a New York accent. He grew up in Long Island. And when he gets mad, it really comes out. And that's just when you know you just might as well kill yourself. It's just the worst experience. You're a goner, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, okay. Last thing. Last couple things. So, Roy the Friendly Giant. Aw. He apparently still haunts the whole East Wing. And you can hear him crying and you can still hear opera music oh good supposedly uh also there is a there was a whole blind ward where all of the

blind people i guess no to make sure that uh nurses they could get the attention for nurses they would shout help and hello anytime they heard a sound at all oh no uh just because they didn't know if that could possibly be a nurse walking by so sad so if you ever make a lot of noise by the blind ward you can hear someone say hello and they've gotten tape recordings oh no a random voice saying hello oh no uh there's also an experience with roy the friendly giant where i guess the current owner found a rat in the infirmary and got scared and ran away. When she came back later, the rat was,

his neck had been snapped, and there was a giant bloody handprint next to it, and they think it was, she likes to think it was Roy protecting her from the rat. Oh, Roy! Roy's a good guy, you know? I wish he was single, and so am I, you know? So on the second floor uh there's an area called the shadow hallway because apparently there's just crazy shadows in the

middle of the night that will either follow you or they'll peek around the corner and then when you look they'll go away and there's one quote that really freaked me out from the current owner that says in the shadow hallway this is where we see a lot of shadow people. We look down the infirmary section and you see shadow people that look just like us, except they're solid black. Sometimes they're pitch gray, sometimes they're dark gray or pitch black. And they come in out of doorways, walk across the hall, and sometimes they'll poke an arm or a leg out and even crawl on the floor to you, which can be especially creepy if you're sitting on the floor during an

investigation. They're crawling toward you? And they're crawling towards you, like crab-walking towards you. No, thank you. Whether or not that's real, that's at least a nightmare from hell. It sounds like a horror movie. Also, in the morgue, there are walk-in refrigerators where they used to store the human corpses. Oh, sure sure and people have supposedly been pushed in there

and the doors have locked on them you can also hear children running throughout the building and they these ghost children uh also sense when people that are on the tours are parents they will cling to them and the people that are parents on the tour will hear kids singing nursery rhymes to them and some really creepy are parents on the tour will hear kids singing nursery rhymes to them and some really creepy shit. I mean, there's nothing worse than a needy kid, you know? You're like, that's what's horrifying about this whole story. That's the worst part is that some kids cling into your leg. Well, people will record themselves singing like a nursery rhyme. And if you stop singing halfway

through, the tape recorder will pick up a little kid finishing the song no thank you no thank you and then the last thing i have to say which i think you'll get a kick out of lisa is that down in the butcher shop you can still get free meat and a laugh, I move into this weird town of whatever the F it's called. Lisa, you fit all of the requirements to move in. So I feel like I'm going to just like a lunatic. Yeah. All the all the single woman, single woman. You've got you've got big big ball Roy. Yeah. Just got to move right in. You get some meat. I think I've just learned a lot and I've got to say having no faith in either one of you, I must say I now have faith in the podcast because I say this is informative.

I found a new place that I need to buy property. I'm going to go spend eight hours in this crazy effing asylum. We're basically a real estate agent. Yeah. I just love this. I really think you guys have educated and informed even me, Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa, you're welcome. Yes. Thank you. Now listen to me. I'm going to say one last thing. I'm very famous and important. So Christine's wine just came out of her nose. I just spit my wine out. I'm sorry. Very important. So I have to go. And I want to say this. I want to thank you for having me as a guest. Sure. I felt like I was doing you the favor. Now I feel

I'm still done you a bigger favor. I've stayed on longer than necessary. I've listened to your cockamamie bullshit story. Thank you. However, no, you guys really did me a solid cause I had so much fun with you. I have to say anyone who just kind of lets me talk and lets me interject, I'm fine with. So I want to say this next time I'm in LA, I'm going to come do the podcast in person. I'm going to have your girlfriend cook me a frigging meal for me. Nobody. And I'm well say this, I'm going to shamelessly plug my podcast, which premiered last week to critical raves. Yeah, baby. Yeah. Do it. Get stuffed with Lisa Lampanelli. We talk about helping people, but not really. We more or less make fun of everybody under the guise of me being helpful.

So listen to me on iTunes, subscribe now and Christine and what do you call other girl? I really, I was like, I'm still here. Oh yeah. You know, seriously, honestly, I know I joke around, but I couldn't be happier that Christine's coming into my family and I couldn't be happier to do this podcast. This was actually very fun for me. So thanks a lot, man. You are so wonderful. Thank you so much. Um, so people can find the podcast right on iTunes or feralaudio.com feralaudio.com. Yeah. And Oh, for information, if you're in New York or the tri-state area, my place stuffed, which is a vagina monologues pretty much for fat people. Okay. And with body image issues, come by you'll laugh you'll cry you'll feel some tingles down below

tickets can be had at stuffedplay.com Lisa thank you so much thank you so much seriously I love you guys and I'll see you soon you're so wonderful thank you bye bye alright guys well I guess you're not good enough no lisa's

heard me talk enough in her lifetime and she knows she has a lifetime left to listen to me talk so yeah so even though lisa had to go i'm still here and stuck with you i didn't get to run away like she did so i guess you might as well tell me a story i was gonna thank you but then you said you were stuck so i feel like maybe i'm not gonna thank you anymore well i have a hunch that she wanted uh to hear my story just because since the day we met she's been telling me that i'm full of shit so yeah i think it was more she had an axe to grind she with you like she can't deny murder happened she was definitely ready to uh to shut you down she's been ready to pounce since since i started seeing her yeah for sure absolutely so i'm so glad she's definitely ready to uh to shut you down she's been ready to pounce since since

i started seeing her yeah for sure absolutely so i'm so glad she's not here to interject during my story because i feel like she has a lot to say because my story i just want to warn you guys oh god oh i honestly you need to warn me too because all I've heard this whole night is and the story so fucking creepy and wild and gnarly so I don't know what's coming either listen and Lisa probably wouldn't know what to do with herself so exactly I didn't know it was coming until a few hours ago when I started this research okay but I got this suggestion uh from Andy via email. So remember how I told you about Luca Magnata last week?

Yes. So remember how I said that he had started rumors online about himself dating Carla Homolka? Yes. So guess who is the subject of our story this week? Lisa Lampanelli. How did you know? Oh, my God. Is it Carla?

It's like you can read my mind. It's Carla. Oh, man. So I got the suggestion from Andy, like I said. She sent this. She sent the suggestion of Paul Bernardo and Carla Homolka. This was a couple. Oh, Lord. So Carla was the wife and Paul was the husband.

Really? Hey, it's 2017. You never know. You know what? I was wrong for assuming gender. So, okay. I'm just going to jump right into it because this is just,

I just don't even know how to, let's just go. All right, let's just go. So Paul Bernardo, he was born into a wealthy family, but they had some serious issues. Surprise. His father was abusive.

He and Bernardo's mother had two children before she the mother started seeing an ex-boyfriend of hers and got pregnant she had a child who ended up being paul who was a who is the protagonist of our story right uh and he was born on august 27th 1964 okay so apparently paul's father knew about this affair and quote tolerated it. Um, in 1975, Paul's father fondled a young girl and was charged with child molestation. And also he sexually abused his own daughter. Oh no. So their mother grew depressed for some unknown reason, uh, and withdrew from the family and started living in

the basement which is just the saddest sentence i've ever heard in my whole life but that's the saddest out of 33 episodes of and that's why we drink i mean i feel like it's a status in terms flip through the transcripts oh wait our intern hasn't done that all right allison get on it while she's asleep oh she's so cute look at her dreaming she is very much your friend though because she's literally sleeping with a glass of wine in her hand. I'm a little bit worried that glass wine's going to spill onto her laptop, but we'll see. So the two older children were troubled by their parents' abuse and all that. But apparently Paul, who was the youngest, was not phased at all.

He was always smiling, always laughing. He was super polite. He did well in school. He was in the Boy Scouts. Like, he was the model child, which is kind of surprising because I feel like a lot of serial killers, when they were young, like, kind of displayed social issues and things like that. When Paul was 16, his mother revealed to him who his real father was oh my and that didn't

trigger anything no and no he did not freak out no he totally freaked out uh he began verbally abusing his mother at this point he called her names like slob he called her whore things like that um and when he graduated from high school, he started working for Amway. Do you know what Amway is? I think so. Yeah. Is it food stamps? No.

What is it? It's sort of like, I've grown into this obsession about reading about MLMs, which are like multi-level marketing schemes. Oh, wow. Like pyramid schemes. Oh, it's a pyramid scheme. Yeah. Okay.

like multi-level marketing schemes like pyramid scheme yeah okay so uh amway kind of run oversees all of these different like pyramid schemes so like it's like the it's like the kingpin of pyramid schemes yeah so they they're in charge and like i googled amway and it was like vitamins and then it was like you know women's clothing and clothing. Right. It was a bunch of stuff. So Amway kind of runs a lot of these MLMs, for lack of a better term. So he started working for Amway and he was attracted to them, to that company because of the like selling tactics and like the social engagement you had to have to sell. And he and his friends would basically practice sales techniques on women at bars to like practice their yeah their pitches and they got really good at them

and he started soon after that he started at university of toronto scarborough and by then he had already developed a lot of dark sexual fantasies oh lord he would also really enjoyed humiliating women in public and beating up his girlfriends okay so he's just a grade-a asshole yeah he's just a shithead in october of 1987 paul met a woman by the name of carla homolka okay we know about her, don't we? So, flashback to last week. They were immediately sexually attracted to one another, but Carla was different from his other girlfriends because she encouraged his sadistic behavior and encouraged his acts as the, drumroll please,

Scarborough rapist. I didn't know that that was linked. So. Oh, no. Shit's out of hand. Paul Bernardo committed numerous sexual assaults that started escalating in violence as they went on. The assaults were usually on young women that he stalked after they got off the bus at night. That was like his MO mo which is fucking terrifying yeah

um this was before cell phones too so it's like there's no foreign protection oh my god oh my god oh my god you know yeah yeah yeah his first rape took place on may 4th 1987 he raped a 21 year old woman in front of her parents house after following her her home. No, like she was so close. She was literally in front of her parents' home. Oh my God. The attack lasted more than half an hour. Oh my God. And it gets so much worse.

Why did we do this? Why did you do this? Because I don't know what else to do. There's only so many Michael Molloys in the world where it's like... If every episode was about a Michael Malloy, I think we would be famous by now. Absolutely.

But how am I supposed to, Michael Malloy was one of a kind for a reason, you know? Also, you look very nice in that shirt, but I, then I remember it's my shirt and I'm like, ah,

that's why you like, that's why it looks so good. I'm wearing M's shirt. Don't tell Alison. Uh, no, Alison has watched you wear it all night. She actually fed you dinner in while wearing my shirt. Alison fed me, uh no allison has watched you wear it all night she actually fed

you dinner and while wearing my shirt allison fed me uh fettuccine alfredo while i was wearing em's shirt but also i'm realizing how much larger i am than you like taller yeah because you're much taller than me i knew that but i didn't know how because you're wearing the shirt and literally without trying the sleeves just hang right over you. Yeah, they do. Interesting. Okay. So 10 days later, he raped a 19-year-old woman in the backyard of her parents' home. Oh, that's even worse.

Actually, I don't even know if that's worse because if it's the front of the house, then you would think someone would have driven by. I mean, I feel like it's, okay, they're both worse. I mean, they're both horrible. I don't want to argue which one's worse. Yeah, you're right. The next rape was of a 15-year-old girl, and this one lasted an hour. 15 and an hour? I know.

And that's when the Toronto police issued a warning to women in Scarborough traveling alone at night, especially by bus. And then when he committed his next rape, which was of a 17-year-old girl, he raped her with the knife he used to threaten his victims oh my god wait he raped her with the knife yes she's arrived but still oh my god and this is when he acquired the name scarborough rapist so that's sort of when like his serial killer, you know, persona took, took form in the media. And I'm going to be honest, the list of attacks is so long that I can't read all of them.

Like it's really a bullet list of, Oh my God. It's a ton. So I'm just going to kind of go through the ones that stood out to me. Do you have like a number at the end? No, because it's kind of unclear. He confessed to,

I think 12 and then later can confess to 10 more while he was already in prison so nobody knows like oh shit really how many you know right right but there are there was an entire section on wikipedia of like um potential victims or like assumed victims right weren't you know he wasn't technically charged with um okay so i'm gonna give you an idea of how things escalated so on october 4th 1988 uh paul attempted to rape a woman but she fought him off and he managed to stab her in the thigh and buttocks which ended up requiring 12 stitches but she was okay after that okay um and that's when the metro police in toronto performed uh performed uh formed a special task force with

the intent of catching him so they created this whole like police force to catch him on august 15th 1989 bernardo committed his eighth rape against a 22-year-old woman. This is really fucked up. He had stalked her the previous night from outside the window of her apartment and then waited for her to arrive home the next day. Oh, my God. And the attack lasted two hours. Oh, my God. I know.

Then after that, he raped a 15-year-old. It was a few months later. And after that, uh, his 10th rape was in the stairwell of an underground parking lot. On May 26th, 1990, Bernardo committed his 11th rape, which lasted over an hour. Um, the victim who was 19 years old at the time was able to give police a vivid description of what the attacker looked like. So they were able to release a computer vivid description of what the attacker looked like so they were able to release a computer composite photograph to the public so that was kind of a big deal um so in july of 1990 more than three years after the string of rapes began so this is

literally the things i listed it was only a portion of the list that was on online and that was like the confirmed ones that wasn't even like the suggested exactly alleged ones um so over three years later uh paul bernardo was taken in for questioning by police the interview lasted 35 minutes and bernardo voluntarily gave them dna samples they asked him why he thought he was brought in for questioning, and he said he admitted he seemed to resemble the composite a little bit. And this is where we're all going to get a little pissed off. Okay.

So prepare yourselves. Thanks for the warning. Detectives concluded that such a well-educated, well-adjusted, congenial young man couldn't be responsible for these vicious crimes end quote yep you're right are you pissed off fuck yeah i'm pissed off i'm pissed off he was released the next day oh my god so they didn't even like try for the dna they were just like oh he gave them the d So like, a straight white cisgender guy just assumed another straight white cisgender guy.

But what are the odds of that, you know? What are the odds of a patriarchy in the 1990s with white privilege and homophobia just rampant? Very unlikely. So upon being released, he drove to see his girlfriend, Carla Homolka, for a, quote, secret meeting where he insisted to her that he was not the Scarborough rapist.

He moved to her town permanently the following February, and he decided to commit his first rape in this new town on April 6, 1991. His victim this time was 14 years old. Oh, my God. Is that the youngest so far? I believe so. Yep. What year was this? 1991.

Okay. So just to go a little bit backwards, by 1990, Paul had been spending a lot of time with Carla, his girlfriend's family, who really liked him. Carla was the oldest daughter. And at this point, by 1990, the two were engaged. So I guess Carla was actually his fiance. And was she aware of all of the shit he was doing? Because you said that she encouraged his, like, sadistic behavior. We shall find out. Oh, just go so paul was engaged to carla who was the oldest daughter but he

constantly flirted with tammy who was the youngest daughter oh my and at the time he he had actually been an accountant but he didn't tell anyone that he had lost his job and was actually making money by smuggling cigarettes across the U.S.-Canadian border. Hmm. Okay. So he became obsessed with Tammy, and he would watch her through her window at night, and he would go into her room and masturbate while she slept. Get this. Tell me.

Carla, his fiancée, helped him by breaking breaking the blind so that he could watch through the window. It gets worse. Okay. Basically, at this point, she broke the blind so that he could watch. Right, so there'd be a hole. From outside. In the window, yeah. In July, Paul Bernardo took Tammy across the border into the U.S. to get beer for a party.

Paul Bernardo took Tammy across the border into the U.S. to get beer for a party. He later told his fiance that while they were there, they got drunk and started making out. Okay. Just like a side note. On July 24th, 1990, Carla made spaghetti for her little sister, Tammy. Only she laced it with crushed Valium that she had stolen from the animal clinic where she worked. Mm-hmm. And after Tammy lost consciousness, Carla watched as Paul attempted to rape her.

But fortunately, I guess the meds weren't strong enough, so Tammy regained consciousness before they could do anything further. Okay. Anything further than rape her? Well, he attempted to rape her. Okay. She regained consciousness before he could. And after this, Paul continued to supply Tammy with and her friends with gifts, food.

And this is something that I don't know if you understand this quote, because I don't understand it. But this is what it says. quote because i don't understand it but this is what it says uh he continued to supply tammy and her friends with gifts food and soda that had quote a film and a few white flecks on the top that was his his quote i don't know what that means a film and a few white flecks like he was still spiking it oh maybe i don't know what else has a film like a beer i don't know i i didn't get that quote i would have met i don't know okay it's just something he's also crazy so maybe it actually makes no sense exactly okay just checking so six months before paul and carla's wedding carla stole an anesthetic called halothane from the animal clinic where she worked.

And on December 23rd, 1990, she and Paul put the sleeping pills in a rum and eggnog cocktail and gave it to Tammy to drink. Oh, fuck. Once Tammy was unconscious, they took off her clothes and Carla applied a halothaneaked cloth to her sister's mouth and nose. Okay. Apparently, she wanted to give Bernardo a Christmas gift, and the Christmas gift was Tammy's virginity. Oh, my God. She knew that Bernardo, that Paul was angry or upset that when they got together, Carla wasn't a virgin.

So to make up for it, she decided to use her little sister's virginity to give it to him as a Christmas gift. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh my god. Um, yeah. So Tammy's parents were, Tammy and Carla's parents were sleeping upstairs. They were in their parents' house. Uh-huh.

Carla and Paul filmed themselves as they raped Tammy in the basement. Wait, they both did? Both of them. Wait, what? Both of them. So now there's incest rape. Mm-hmm. Okay. Tammy began to vomit while she was unconscious, and the two choked on her vomit, and the two

tried to revive her. They called 911 after they had hidden all the evidence. Okay. And then moved her into a bedroom. A few hours later, Tammy was pronounced dead at the hospital without ever having regained consciousness shit well thank god kinda you know i know if you're gonna go through that when you rather never know what the fuck it is almost like uh i hope she was out cold before any of this happened but still yeah there's a movie about this isn't there with laura prepon

in it oh maybe I don't know. The girl who played Donna in that 70s show. Yeah, yeah. And she's in Orange is New Black. There was honestly a huge section on Wikipedia of pop culture references. This was definitely a movie. Okay. All I remember is there was a Law & Order special rape show about this.

Oh, really? Yeah. But I don't know. I'm sure there's a movie too yeah yeah no i'm pretty sure it's like one of those lifetime movies it's the same channel i watched the sylvia lichens one on oh yeah probably i think we are just our podcast is a spin-off of the lifetime movies i'm just pretty sure uh lifetime also airs i survived so oh yeah well then we were just lifetime also apparently who did you say was in the movie laura prepon no about um sylvia lakins oh i thought it was christina ricci but apparently

it was someone else yeah it was someone else a bunch of people wrote me so we we heard you guys heard you we're wrong we heard you and we still don't know just assume we're if if you're like oh they're wrong just assume we know we're wrong. We're not like we come here every day and I think you guys think we think we're experts, but we know we're not. We just like Googled something and we're just talking about it now. We're like, hey, I know this thing. And then we're like, we both look at each other like we don't know. We don't know what's going on at all. A lot of the edits that don't get into the final cut of our episodes are us just being like, what the fuck are we doing?

Oh, yeah. And also, like, let me say it again so that when I respond, I sound more intelligent than I did the first time you said it. Like, I want to respond with a more. If only we did that during the Wales, England conversation. Oh, we didn't. We didn't Google or change anything about our intelligence. Talk about raw footage. But we sure were confident, damn it.

We tried our best. Anyway. Okay. So after Tammy died, Carla and Paul were still doing their weird-ass things. Apparently they were super weird. They would vacuum and do laundry in the middle of the night. And despite the fact that they were doing all these crazy things and Tammy, her body, she had a chemical burn on her face.

But the coroner and Tammy's family accepted the story that Carla and Paul told, is that tammy had choked on her vomit after consuming too much alcohol so and like her parents never needed like proof of a body or like no they had the body but they just said oh they just believed what they said because she had drunk alcohol and they just said oh it was just an accident you know would you like an intermission for me to tell you something you want to hear what What's going on? Okay. So I also just got a Twitter notification. I just from our Snapchat video earlier of you flipping me off. Yeah. I guess one of our listeners follows me on Snapchat and said, how is it that Christine

Schieffer is so pretty even when she's flipping someone off and clearly doesn't want to be filmed? Hashtag not fair. Listen, you can see my entire stomach in that video so i will say pretty stomach apparently i was really hoping nobody would ever see that because i'm actually mortified about it but thank you that's very kind of you sydney sydney thank you i didn't mean to like interrupt you i just i knew you'd want to hear it i highly appreciate it and i also am highly mortified that anybody saw my stomach rolls, but thank you.

All right. Anyway, keep going with this wonderful tale. You guys are so kind and supportive. I love all of you so much. We say a lot of fucked up things on here for you guys to be so nice to us. I know. There's something wrong with you. Why are you so nice?

Why are you so nice? What's the matter with you? Do you need to talk to someone? Do you need help? Don't talk to us. Oh, no. Please talk to me. Oh, talk to Christine.

I need a lot of attention. I have a lot of issues i'm working through talk to mt maybe i need someone to talk to yeah actually don't talk to me talk to them okay um so basically the coroner was like yep uh looks like tammy choked on her own vomit um That's what the coroner said. Yep. Yep. Basically. Me as a coroner. Yep. Actually, though. Yep.

That's me. The pair. So Paul and Carla started filming themselves with Carla wearing Tammy's clothes and pretending to be Tammy. I'm sorry. Yeah. For what? To like just like put on a fucking play for themselves they would like videotape themselves and watch it uh they also moved out of the homolka house and rented a bungalow to let uh carla's parents cope with their grief which is so gracious of them. Right. The kindest. So kind.

So thoughtful. So kind. So, okay. Fast forward. Early morning, June 15th, 1991. Oh my God. Do it. Just do it.

Bernardo was on a drive looking to steal license plates. Of course. As you do. That's what I do. That's what I do. That's what I do. When he spotted a 14-year-old girl named Leslie Mahaffey. Okay. She had missed her curfew the night before after attending a funeral.

She was locked out of her house. So, like, her life's already gone pretty bad. So, she's already... She's at a funeral. Or missing a funeral. In a bad place. No, she went to the funeral. And got locked out yeah exactly um she hadn't been able to find a place to stay over so she was locked at her parents house so paul approached her and told

her he was hoping okay this is weird what isn't at this point just go i know but this is like even more just i just don't get it he approached her and told her he was hoping to break into a neighbor's house she wasn't phased and asked him if he had any cigarettes it's weird it's weird i don't get it my stupid brain would have been like oh if you're like being so open about telling me i'm gonna assume there's like a good reason for it which is like what is what makes me an idiot? Wouldn't you like be like, why? If we're speaking in like a realistic situation,

if I didn't recognize the person, I would definitely be wary. So I think, yeah, yeah, I got you. I got you. But you know what?

I mean, whatever she's 14, she's asking for cigarettes. Who knows? Maybe she was just like, she also just came back from a funeral. Maybe she's a little distraught. She's probably not in a good place.

It doesn't matter what she did because it's not her fault. What matters is what happened. Let's just put that out there. Not fault it's this asshole's fault uh so he's like yeah i do have cigarettes so he led her to his car and while they were walking he blindfolded her and forced her into the car oh my he drove her to his and carla's rented bungalow, and he told Carla they had a new playmate. The two videotaped themselves torturing and sexually abusing Leslie, all while playing Bob Marley and David Bowie. Which, that detail adds so much creepiness, fucked-up-ness to this whole story. Especially because those are two types of music that like represent peace and like peace.

I thought the same thing. It's like those are the least violent fucking things to be listening to. If I were this poor girl, I could obviously never listen to whatever music they were playing again. But why would you pick such good music? When I read that, I just thought of like One Love by Bob Marley. And I was like, can you imagine being tortured to that? And I mean, this is like not the same thing, obviously.

But my brother got into a really bad car accident while he was listening to Phil Collins. And it took him like a year to even be able to listen to Phil Collins without being like, please turn it off. Because like he got into a really bad, like went unconscious, like got into a really bad car accident. please turn it off. Cause like he got into a really bad, like went unconscious, like got into a really bad car accident. Yeah.

The fact that they were playing Bob Marley and David Bowie, which you're right. Are like the most unifying. Yeah. Oh, anyway. So at one point, Paul said to Leslie, quote,

you're doing a good job, Leslie, a damned good job. The next two hours, they're going to determine what I do to you. Right now, you're scoring perfect. The next day, they killed her. Paul claimed Carla fed her a lethal dose of Halcyon, which is that like thing I told you she stole earlier from the animal clinic.

And Carla claimed that Paul had strangled her. But either way, they killed her and put her body in the basement but then they decided that the best thing to do to hide the evidence would be to dismember the body and encase each piece in cement so oh my god he went and bought a shit ton of cement then they used his grandfather's circular saw to cut the body then they dumped the cement blocks in a nearby lake um but one of the blocks was 200 pounds and they had too much difficulty like moving it yeah yeah so they just left it by the shore and i guess a father and son on a fishing trip like stumbled upon it of course

and there's actually photos of police like trying to carry it yeah or like surrounding this like oh no giant cement block with like body parts in it it's really fucked up um so june 29th uh which is the day that that cement block was actually discovered was also what paul and car Carla's wedding day. Oh, good. So sweet. They had an elaborate wedding. It was held at the Niagara on the Lake Church. And apparently Paul was in total control of the wedding plans.

And the plans included the two of them riding in on a white horse-drawn carriage. Really classy. Yeah. Way to class it up. Class it up. And Carla was dressed in a really expensive gown. The guests were served a lavish sit down meal after the couple exchanged their vows, which included at Bernardo's insistence. Carla vowing to love, honor, and obey.

No. No. Fucked up. No, no. Can you imagine Blaze being like, you have to say that you obey me in your wedding vows? Well, I guess this is the perfect time then to tell everyone that my mom recently became engaged.

Hells to the yeah. So I'm about to have a stepfather, Tom, who Christine met and went to many game shows with. Many. Too many. So Christine, what's your opinion of my future father? Listen, Tom wore a really great outfit. It's called the turkey suit. It is called the turkey suit. he is a one of a kind he's one of a kind he's a he's a very kind man he's

gonna be a very good stepfather i think he's like the perfect stepfather material he's very he's a very much nothing but dad humor actually totally and he reminds me a lot of my stepfather so i feel like they'd be tim tom Tom and Tim, Tom and Tim. They'd be good friends. So, um, and I'm sure Linda and Renato would be good friends. So really what we're trying to do is set up a double date. Exactly. And, uh, so yeah, my, my mom, also my mom didn't even tell me like in a, she, uh, she

texted me, I am now engaged period. It was like, I was like, Oh like oh breaking news i guess hooray period and i actually found out before i read that text one of my friends who listens to the show caroline i found out through a snapchat video of her i think she was drunk and she's zooming in and out on my mom's ring going hello hello shut the fuck up and then she shows my mom's face and goes and that's why we drink and my mother goes and that's why we drink wait are you kidding that was the video i it was a snap video so i couldn't save it you can't save it i know but that's how i found out my mom was engaged and then i saw her text i am now engaged could

there be a more perfect way to find out no no no i i totally stole your thunder there but no that's precious we were talking about weddings anyway i don't know how we didn't even talk about that earlier but i'm so happy for linda congratulations linda if you're listening i don't know if you listen anymore but i don't know if she does but congrats she's a soon-to-be-married woman now oh you guys could have wedding plans together i was literally about to say she can you know what she's gonna do we're both engaged hashtag i. Hashtag I'm the bride. Hashtag I'm the bride. Linda?

Hashtag we're the bride. We're the brides. Wow. Wow. This is a beautiful moment. My mother and my best friend are bride to bees together. What a beautiful time it is for you, Em. I can't wait.

Oh, that was a nice face. Thank God I got a girlfriend right in time to like be ready for both of your weddings but actually i was about to have to go stag to a lot of places anyway there we go back to carla so carla had to obey her new husband is the point of the story on april 16th 1992 uh bernardo and homolka were driving around town looking for potential victims. Mm-hmm. As you do. They passed a Catholic school, and they spotted a 15-year-old student named Kristen French, who was walking quickly back to her home.

Quickly, indeed, I'm sure. Which was nearby, um, because she always walked home from school right at, she always walked home right after school because she had to take care of her dog. You gotta bring a dog into this, Christine. I know. It really fucked me up. And she was on her way home when they pulled into a parking lot. Fuck.

Carla got out of the car with a map and asked for help with directions. Fuck. So Kristen walked over and looked at the map. And while she was looking at the map Paul came at her from behind with a knife forced her into their car it happened to be a good Friday so over Easter weekend Paul and Carla videotaped themselves as they tortured raped and sodomized her they forced her to drink large quantities of alcohol and be submissive to Bernardo. And then while Paul was out buying pizza,

a woman named Carrie Patrick, whom he had stalked the previous month, he had stalked her and her sister, spotted him and was like, oh my God, that's the guy who was stalking me. So she reported it to police, but unfortunately the report was mishandled and went into what the judge later called a quote black hole um so kristen french the little girl was not rescued fuck because they that's nice put the report somewhere nobody followed up on it and went to the quote black hole that's why i'm saying the stalking thing it's like people don't take it seriously and it's like people don't take it seriously

they don't take we just need any sort of relationship abuse whether or not you're in a relationship with that person is horrible the target like targeting you don't know what it's like until it's happening to you and it's fucking horrible and targeting vulnerable people is not okay no um so anyway the report was mishandled kristin french unfortunately was not rescued and um the next day paul and carla murdered kristin french before they went to carla's family's house for easter dinner oh right of course car said, later, said Paul had strangled Kristen for exactly seven minutes while she watched. And Paul said that Carla had beaten Kristen with a rubber mallet because she tried to escape. And that she actually ended up dying because she was strangled on a noose tied around her neck that was secured to a hope chest. Oh, my God.

Then, he said, Carla went to fix her hair before dinner. Authorities found Kristen's body in a ditch on April 30th, 1992, which was about 45 minutes away from where they lived. This is, again, similar to last week. It's sort of like a timeline, but at the time, nobody really knew that they were the ones who were to blame for all this. Right, right, right. So next up up here we go

it goes on uh carla had worked at a pet shop uh two years earlier where she had befriended and then 15 year old girl who later on was referred to as jane doe to protect her identity so in like trials and things like that they never released released her name. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. So two years later, two years after she had met her working at the pet store, Carla Homolka invited Jane Doe for a girl's night out. They shopped and had dinner and then went to Homolka and Bernardo's home. Carla gave Jane alcohol, which she drank. But Jane did not know that Carla had laced it with Halcyon, which is that same sleeping pill. Yeah, tranquilizer.

And so once Jane had passed out, Carla called Paul and said, your wedding gift is ready. Oh, no. Right. gift is ready oh no right so paul came over um took off jane's clothes and paul videotaped carla raping jane before paul himself raped her both vaginally and anally oh my god the next morning jane woke up and felt nauseous but thought that her vomiting was because it was the first time she'd ever drank alcohol. Oh, no. So she didn't know why she was in pain, and she just thought it was from drinking. Okay, but also, I'm kind of happy for her.

It, yeah. Like, thank God. She ended up coming back two more times. No! I know. No! up coming back two more times no i know no the same a similar thing happened the next time and then the third time apparently it's like she would just wake up and they'd be like all happy la-di-da like oh it was so great having you bye we were so drunk haha yep and then the third time i guess

carla tried to be like have sex with paul and she was like ew like i'm uncomfortable and left and that was like the third time and that was it so and left. And that was, like, the third time. And that was it. So they didn't kill her. But, yeah, they raped her twice. Fuck. Okay. So these are the, basically, these are the stories that they know about, that they're convicted of. There's a whole, again, there's a whole list of potential victims. But I'm just going to say a couple of them that like seem to be likely um so shortly after tammy the younger sister's funeral

her parents left town and the house was empty so according to one author who had researched bernardo and um homolka apparently bernardo abducted a girl took her to the house raped her while homolka watched and then dropped her off on a deserted road near the lake and bernardo and homolka took to calling her january girl so they just like referred to as referred to her as january girl which is just i thought that was so fucked up yeah yeah um on april 6 1991 at about 5 30 a.m bernardo abducted a 14 year old who was warming up as a coxswain for a local rowing team the girl noticed a blonde woman waving at her from her car aka carla got distracted so uh paul bernardo grabbed her and dragged her into

the shrubbery he assault sexually assaulted her forced her to remove her clothes and then wait forced her to wait five minutes um while they drove away basically oh shit and then bernardo was also tied to the murder of elizabeth, who disappeared on June 19th, 1990. And Bain had told her mother that she was going to check the tennis schedule at the University of Toronto Scarborough. And three days later, her car was found with a large bloodstain in the backseat and she was never seen again. Oh, my God. Oh, all I can say is oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know. Oh, all I can say is oh my god.

Oh my god, I know. In December 1992, the police finally tested... Remember how they took... Remember how we willingly gave DNA samples two years ago? They finally tested them? So they were like, maybe we should test these. Oh my god. Does that not piss you off to no end? Yes.

Yes, it does. On December 27th, Bernardo beat Himulka severely. He beat her on the limbs, head and face with a flashlight, a heavy flashlight. Fuck. That's a tough beating. It's rough. And apparently, I haven't said this, but apparently he had been physically abusive toward her from day one, which I guess isn't very shocking. No.

But is also another fact of the case um so she returned to work on january 4th of 1993 and claimed she'd been in a car accident her co-workers were skeptical and called her parents who literally had to physically remove her from the house to get her away. Apparently, she ran back into the house and was frantically searching for something. But her parents took her to St. Catherine's General Hospital, where she gave a statement that she was a battered spouse and she filed charges against Bernardo. So he was arrested, but then they later released him. Because, you know, why not?

he was arrested but then they later released him because you know why not so there was this task force that was like basically designated to capture him or like uh solve these mysteries right okay so they were closing in on bernardo and homolka they fingerprinted her and questioned her um they noticed that she had a mickey mouse watch and the watch looked basically exactly like the one that kristin french was wearing when she disappeared oh no dumbass woman was wearing the same mickey mouse watch that's like someone killing you and then wearing your weird baby pedophile watch it's that exactly i have no other words than exactly correct exactly because if i ever if you ever died and i saw someone wearing that little fucking watch you've had since you were six years old i'd be like oh you killed christine does anybody know about that pedophile watch have we talked about we brought it we brought it up one time oh people who are

just listening think you literally have a pedophile watch. Well, I mean, it kind of... Okay. It's not a pedophile. Save your tracks. Cover your tracks. Cover your tracks. I want to say it's not, but... Christine has a watch full of weird smiling babies all over.

A lot of them are crying, though. Like on the face of the watch, on the wrist bracelet part of the watch. It's like it was trendy in the 90s. Okay, just kidding. No, it wasn't. Okay. Basically, she learned during questioning that Bernardo was identified as the Scarborough Rapist. And she kind of freaked out, obviously.

But also, is it really, like, an obviously kind of thing? Like, how is she not surprised? I don't know. But again, like, who knows how to read? I mean, how is she not surprised? But also, how do you murder a bunch of young women you know your own little sister so it's like how do you even rationalize any of it what do you mean the man who i helped rape my little sister is actually

a rapist and we're gonna get caught right so um she realized they were gonna get caught basically and instead of confessing to police she confessed to her her uncle that Bernardo was a serial rapist and murderer. She also got a lawyer and a lawyer. Fun fact. The lawyer she got was actually a man whose Dalmatian she had taken care of when she worked in at the Lake Animal Hospital. Awkward. And I guess she had taken really good care of the Dalmatian. So she asked him

to be her lawyer so he was her lawyer just weird fact that that lawyer is also an idiot uh no not really because he got her a great fucking deal shut up you'll find out in mid-february uh paul bernardo was arrested and charged with the scarborough rapes and the murder of Mahaffey and French. During the search of their home, a diary of Paul Bernardo's was discovered with written descriptions of each crime that he had committed. Oh, so it's not even like they were videos of the rapes, the assaults of Carla, like having like weird violent sex with other women. Just like really aggressive stuff, basically. So then they started to discuss a plea bargain for Carla and they decided she would get 12-year sentence for her participation in the crimes in exchange for her full testimony. The government agreed that she would be eligible for parole after serving three years of good behavior.

What a... Oh, my God. She quickly agreed, obviously, to all terms, and the deal was set. She quickly agreed, obviously, to all terms, and the deal was set. Later, after all of the evidence was in, the plea bargain became known as being one of the worst in the history of Canada. Yeah, right. With the government accused of making a deal with the devil, which is the way that Canadian papers and stuff described it was deal with the devil. Homolka always portrayed herself as an abused wife who was forced into participating in her husband's criminal activity and it wasn't until they found several videotapes

of the two of them that it became clear that she was basically enjoying herself the whole time and was like a huge integral part of all the torture and rape and abuse um so her involvement kind of came to light. But at that point. They had already made the deal. Yeah, deal was a deal. So it was like she couldn't be retried for the same crimes. So Bernardo, on the other hand, received a life sentence on September 1st, 1995. Homolka, at the same time, there were photos that surfaced of her sunbathing and partying with other

prisoners, um, in Canadian newspapers. Was one of them, the guy from last week, literally, it reminded me of the exact same story. Cause I mean,

did she have her Versace and that's why we drink shirt, her casual Versace wear. Right. Literally though. It was like, and weren't they related? They were married for a while. You're just believing the fake rumors that he started.

Oh, the fake rumors. Right. I'm totally a believer. Obviously, he. Totally a believer in the tabloids. Tricked you into his own. He got me. So there were also rumors.

Tabloids reported that she was in a lesbian relationship with a woman named christina sherry who was a convicted child rapist but it was later determined that her lesbian lover was not sherry but linda verano who was convicted of participating in a bank robbery okay so i guess that's a little better sure on july 4th 2005 hamalka was released from Perfect. These are some of the restrictions that they placed on her as a condition of her release. I'm just going to tell you them. She has to provide police with her home address, work address, and whomever she lives with. She has to notify police of any change to her name. She is forbidden to contact Paul Bernardo, the the families of leslie mahaffey and kristin french or that of the woman known as jane doe or any violent criminals whatsoever right she is forbidden

to be with anyone under the age of 16 as you should be i mean yeah forbidden from taking drugs other than prescription medicine she's required to continue therapy and counseling and required to provide police with a dna sample so this is an interesting thing i found carla's safety became sort of a concern for her lawyer because he found out that there was an internet death pool oh shit where people were taking bets on what day Carla Homolka would be killed oh fuck so apparently she discovered while in prison uh two websites I'm sorry at least two or three websites that contained threats against her including this betting pool so one site was called quote Carla Homolka death pool when the game is over we all win end quote and the site like literally said it doesn't condone violence against her but they they want bets on what what

day she'll die just instant death yeah and the strongest bets were for june and july of 2001 which didn't happen but uh the uh the rules also there were very strict rules by the way they also said players are not allowed to fix the bet by killing her themselves or have having someone else do it so you can't be like it'll happen tomorrow okay i mean it like i'll show you tomorrow when i kill her myself in the the shower. Right. So Homolka, who used the alias Carla Teal in prison, was very concerned. But again, she got out in 2005, so she was fine. One other last thing. Bernardo apparently scored 35 out of 40 on the psychopathy checklist, which is pretty damn high.

Holy shit. Which is a psychological assessment tool used to assess the presence of psychopathy in individuals and so he is classified as a clinically psychopath and in november 2015 bernardo published his own piece of literature. Jesus Christ. Of course he did. Called what? A Mad World Order. Which is a violent, fictional, 631 page e-book.

Holy crap. Amazon. By November 15th, the book was reportedly an Amazon bestseller, but was quietly removed from the website due to a public outcry. you don't say so anyway these mofos she got off easy she got off way easy there were videos of her torturing these young women and girls she just hid them long enough to make a good deal

she just kind of played the card and and abused the whole power of like being in a submissive position. So. No. No. But it's interesting to think like that woman is the one that the guy talked about last week. And he was so desperate to start rumors about being with her. Luca Magnato was for years spreading rumors online that he and her were in a serious relationship. Which makes no sense, not knowing her story.

She was definitely in another serious relationship. It's wild. And by serious, I mean, like, seriously fucked up. Serious and seriously fucked up. As in, they were murdering people together. Wow. So, it was just a weird weird it's like a weird serial killer family tree yeah so i thought that was kind of a weird branch off but um yeah so that's that

well what the fuck am i supposed to do now hey at least no kittens were killed this week valid also if you guys do want to see it i did check it out and there is a movie with laura prepon and it's called carla carla with a k right um it's just called carla oh okay and it's uh donna from that 70s show what's her name alex on orange yeah orange is new black alex yeah um so if you see her face on the cover that's the movie i was thinking of that's the one and it's just as fucked up as lifetime can make it so nice get it from your local blockbuster oh now that's also why i drink now because blockbuster has been dead for quite some time blaze worked at blockbuster for years no way isn't that hilarious that he could literally tell his children about that and they'll be like what the fuck i say that all the time i'm like our grandchildren will not know what the fuck you're talking about like what do you mean

like i i don't even know how you explain that to someone now it's like well before netflix you had to go bring your car somewhere to get a movie and then you could rent it and it was a special occasion it was like if you were lucky a friday night for a sleepover, all of you had to pick two movies and then you had to rewind them and then you had to bring it back with your car, drive it somewhere and drop them off like a like a library. It was plebeian. It was like a library of movies. What was the first DVD you ever bought? It was Spy Kids. movies what was the first dvd you ever bought um it was uh spy kids oh that's a good one but it was also uh one of my closest friends growing up as part of like a like their parents were pilots and

flight attendants and all that so their whole family would regularly have like international trips yeah because they were flight attendants so anytime their mom went to china she would just go get a bunch of bootleg dvds my dad did that but he didn't do it the right way she knew all the good black market bootleg dvds so my first dvd was spy kids in chinese and then uh i think that was that was it as i said in the past well i guess it was a patreon like a blooper reel i think it was a blooper episode but my dad would go to china and buy like bootleg cd roms for us and it was like aladdin but it wasn't aladdin it was like magic boy on the carpet like it was all fake i got that too they got me um when we were older

they got me the dvd for knocked up which was also in chinese and it wasn't called knocked up it was oops i'm pregnant which is like arguably a better title anyway anyway so thanks guys for listening um i hope you guys enjoyed lisa being on the show i know she kind of bailed early but she's three hours ahead so she also has a life and a more important job than us as she told you she's very important and very famous um so but yeah if you do want to catch her um her new podcast is coming out on itunes on uh feral audio it's called get stuffed and uh yeah you guys thanks for listening we love you guys so much and uh thank you guys for coming to the live event to the Patreon donators who were... So fun. Thank you guys for coming to our Facebook Live little get-together this weekend.

You guys asked some really cool questions. We're going to come at you soon with another episode. And if you want to check us out, you can go to andthat's why we drink dot com to submit any stories you want to submit. Or you can also email them to and that's why we drink at gmail dot com. You can find us on social media at 80 WWD podcast on just about any social media. And you can also get merch at and that's why we drink dot big cartel dot com. We love you guys. Thank you for listening.

And that's why we drink. God, we're getting so good. I know.