And That's Why We Drink - E405 Halloween Hangovers and Top Tier Candy Handers

Episode Date: November 10, 2024

It’s Episode 405 and we need to know how many pieces of candy are in 15lbs worth? This week Em has ruined their algorithm to bring us the wild story of the Dildo Monster aka the Monster of Dildo Pond from Newfoundland. Then Christine takes us to Minnesota for the unfortunate case of the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. And have you seen our legs? …and that’s why we drink!Only a few live shows left this Fall! Come join us for The Pour Decisions Tour which is sure to bring plenty of gasps, laughs, and frights! Get your tickets at: andthatswhywedrink.com/live ! ______________________ Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com/DRINK Get cozy in Quince's high-quality wardrobe essentials. Go to Quince.com/drink for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Unlock your best skin with @iRestorelaser and save on their biggest offer of the year at irestorelaser.com/WEDRINK #irestorepod Go to zbiotics.com/DRINK to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use DRINK at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. Hi everyone, Em is feeling a little sleepy, I'm guessing? Yeah, more than usual because I'm always sleepy, but I'm just I'm so sleepy today. And I made an adult mistake. It feels like I made like a teenager mistake of like, oh, I drank too much. No, I just sat outside in my own yard and trick or treated too much. And I-

So you did like a really little kid mistake. Like not a teenager mistake. Oh yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, it's like I just missed nap time. Too excited, yeah. Yeah, it was our first... By the way, when we're recording this, it's the night after... It's Halloween. It's November 1st, sorry.

November 1st. No, we were outside from like 6 o'clock to like 10 o'clock or something. I will tell you when we last know when we last recorded I was saying I was nervous I didn't have enough candy. How'd it go? I I guesstimated the exact right amount which was 15 pounds of candy. Okay how many pieces is that? Well see I'm not a wet blanket and I am team every kid should get a handful not a piece. I'm not saying that you are. I'm just saying how many pieces is 15 pounds of candy?

I have no concept of how many pounds. I just know by the back size. I'm saying as someone who's not a wet blanket, as someone who's going off of the handful, not the one piece rule, then it was about, it seemed like about 150 kids. No, no, I know, sorry. That's what I'm saying.

I know I also give handfuls, but I'm saying how many pieces are 15 pounds? Like how many did you buy? Cause I'm curious, like, cause my concept of buying candy is only, is not by pounds. I don't really understand the pounds, but maybe that's a better way to look at it.

I only, I mean, I just looked at the bag and each one was like, I think two pounds, but it was like the big fat party pack ones. I'm curious, anyway. So it was probably like, I mean, it was at least eight party size bags of candy. It'll say like pounds on the bottom. I never thought to look at that.

And I think that's probably a smarter way to do it than pieces because like, if you're doing multiple pieces, it doesn't. Yeah, it doesn't like anyway. But we did have some kids come and like try to empty the whole bowl. And I'm like, OK, I say you can have a few, but like there was two kids that I can't get out of. I can't shake them because the way that they really lunged for it when they were given permission, I was like, oh, my God, it's like

you've never eaten before. Yeah, yeah. But there. But then I was also, I think, that kid. So I was it when they were given permission. I was like, oh my God, it's like you've never eaten before. Yeah, yeah. But then I was also, I think, that kid, so I was trying to have a little grace. I was like, okay, karma, they're stealing my candy, and I took a lot of people's candy when I was a kid. Yeah, also spoiler alert for being a homeowner now, you're gonna see those kids again,

and you're gonna be like, oh God, here they come. Yeah, I believe it. And you're gonna recognize certain kids. It's so fun, though, that you do trick or treating now. So 150 kids you said about, that's a good amount. Yeah, but I was kind of shocked because I looked online, I'm in like a bunch of Burbank community things. And all of them were saying like,

we get like four or 500 kids minimum. And what I didn't realize they were talking about was like a few streets away from me. Oh yeah the street makes a huge difference. Which like it's so wild that when you just walk a block all of a sudden like the energy totally changes and now there's like traffic on the sidewalks. We had our neighbors come and stand in front of our house to give out candy because they're like nobody's on my street like yeah just one caddy corner over. That's what happened with me and Alison we're like we were between like two non participating houses. And so we were like, but that also means like on a dead street with non participating houses

on either side, we still got 150 kids. So it's a lot. Yeah. I mean, I was hoping for the experience of like it, like it just being an overwhelming amount of children that I could just give candy to. But as creepy as that sounds, but. No, it's the one time a year it's not creepy. Yeah, at the risk of sounding like a creep,

where the fuck are all the children? We already established the date thankfully, so everybody has to give us a pass. No, but it was weird because we got to like the last, the last part of the bowl where I was like, Oh God, like based on how things have been going, we definitely don't know. We thought about like, do we run out and get more candy? And it ends up being the perfect amount. And we like met some of our neighbors, which was nice. We met a fan. So now that you know my address, we have a secret. Please don't tell anyone. Hi Bailey. Bailey said, honey, mommy listens to that lady's podcast. And I went, oh, howdy.

Oh, I heard M. And I went, oh. I love that there was not even a question in mind. It was like, see that lady over there. Yeah. So anyway, it was very sweet. Hi Carolyn. Hi guys. And then we had friends that used to be our neighbors at the old place come and visit us at this place to say hi. They got candy, which was nice. And then guess who fucking ended up being one of my trick or treaters was my friends

from ISS that I haven't seen in like eight years. What? They like literally grabbed candy at my bowl. LA is such a small world sometimes. It's so weird, yeah. It's so huge, but it's like sometimes you're like, boy, what? Well, also like, so they have,

they had little little kids the last time I saw them, and now their kids are like teenagers, and one of their kids grabbed candy out of the bucket, and I was like, I swear to God, that looks like a five-year-old I once knew. That looks like a five-year-old I once knew. That looks like a five-year-old I once knew. Wow. And then they ended up, so now they said like, oh, we get food.

We're here once a week. We'll call you. So now we might be rekindling. Okay. I love that. A little friendship. Anyway, it was very fun. Afterwards, we, Allison and I ordered a pizza and then we held the pizza box and walked

around and ate pizza on the street while we held the pizza box and walked around and ate pizza on the street while we looked at all the lights, which was very nice. So that might be our new tradition. So romantic. What about you? How was your trick or treating? How was our grumpy toad?

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. She was so grumpy, but the problem is- I'm grumpy today, so I guess today I'm the grumpy toad. You get it. No, she had a high fever. And so we were like, oh no, she's always sick on Halloween. But like, this is the first year she's like really excited.

Yeah, and like gets it and like has a better concept of time, you know? And so she like was so tired. She was nodding off in the middle of the day and we're like, please take a nap. And she wouldn't, she wouldn't. We said, what's wrong? And she goes, I don't want to sleep through Halloween.

I don't blame her. It's like the biggest event of her life at four years old. I agree, up until now. And so I was like, oh, honey, we're not going to let you sleep through Halloween. Like we'll wake you up no matter what. Literally three seconds later, Blake said she was just unconscious. So we got a big nap in her. I got some Tylenol in her and she had the best mother effing time.

She walked to all the neighbors and then she would come back, sit on our porch while other kids like walked by and trick or treated and just eat like whatever pieces she wants. Then she would like empty them into a bowl on our porch and walk back out and say, okay, daddy, let's go. And then they would go on like another chop chop and then she'd say, cha cha and go off to like the next wing of the neighborhood and go that way. She came back with so many fulls like full size because all like a lot of the families

know her, I guess. And they're like, oh, I put aside a special one for you. And I'm like, damn girl, you're three and you have you. And I'm like, damn girl, you're three. And you have more friends than I do. Social butterfly. Yeah. Anyway, it was great. We had, I would guess probably this year, like 11, no, like 900 some kids.

It was crazy. That's crazy. It was crazy. We ended up like, we thought we way over bought candy. Cause I bought a bunch. How many pounds if you had to guess? I know, I don't know. And I'm like, that's why. How did it fit a row in your car? Like like a size wise? What did it look like? Yeah

Well, the problem was we bought them on all different days from different places That's why blaze and I like both ended up buying a ton and didn't realize the other one did and then I had some Coming from Amazon and I was like, oh, they're not gonna make it in time. So we went out and bought a bunch Anyway, so it kind of came from all over, but it was like, well, 1,600 pieces or something like that. But that's why I was asking you about the piece because I was like, I don't know. I should go look at the pounds.

Anyway, but it was great. There were so many kids. I think a lot of kids in like the smaller Kentucky neighborhoods drive up to our part of the town for trick-or-treating. So it was really nice. Nice. Yeah, there was, I looked on my community pages and everything after the fact.

Somebody was actually counting how much candy they actually brought. Not in pieces, not in pieces, unfortunately. Oh, damn it, my only frame of reference for some reason. I'm like probably the only one on earth who does it by pieces. Ours was like eight to nine party, like big, big fucking bags.

And that was 15 pounds. Gotcha. They ended up having to do like, because they were on the main street, that was really crazy. And they bought 50 pounds of bags. So like three times what I had. So that's like 30 party size bags.

And they were like, we still ran out of candy. It was crazy. Yeah. So as much as I wanted to be part of that scene, and I thought this whole street was gonna turn into like Halloween town, and it was actually the street like next door. I'm actually really grateful because I'd be part of that scene. And I thought this whole street was gonna turn into like Halloween town. And it was actually the street next door. I'm actually really grateful

because I'd be so fucking annoyed eventually. I'd be like, I can't get a word in with my fucking friends because I have to keep handing out this candy. Oh yeah. Like I feel like when you're on kind of the thoroughfare, like we were, it's like, you don't even have a second to like think before there's another family like staring at you.

We had weirdly the perfect, not only the perfect amount of candy, but the perfect amount of like space in between for like, Oh, I see. Cause Alison and I, we could have done the classic, like letting the kids knock on the door, but without triangulating myself,

it's easier for the kids to access us if we go up to the front. I think most people are outside nowadays, unless it's like really bad weather. I mean, we were outside with just umbrellas. I feel like everyone on our street was like playing music and everyone was out at the front of their houses. Yeah, we had music going and stuff like that.

Also with dogs, like I think people are like, no, don't ring my doorbell. Like, I'll just sit outside. Actually, that's a great point too. But yeah, so we just sat out by our, at the front of our house and kids came up and there was one little kid. That's one of my favorite parts. That was what, I the front of our house and kids came up. And there was one little kid.

That's one of my favorite part. That was what I was one of the things I was most excited for becoming a grownup was handing out candy. Cause I was just like, it's so special. I don't know. I had, yeah, I was trying to bring the energy that I always wanted from a candy giver.

Exactly. You can be that person for the kids. It's so sweet. I was like, no one's looking, not even mom, just grab as much as you want. And then they would say like, Jacob take one. And I'd go, Jacob take three. We do that so many times.

We're like, don't listen to your mother. Yeah. And then people would walk by a second time on the way to their car. And they'd be like, we already stopped here. And I'm like, you can have more candy. Yeah. And then sometimes the parents, we already stopped here. And I'm like, you can have more candy. Yeah, and then sometimes the parents, like there were a couple of pregnant moms.

And I was like, my mom was like, please take some candy. And they were like, oh no, I'm an adult. And we were like, to eat it. We gave so many adults candy. It's shocking. If I wonder if even not on an actual Halloween night, on like any given night, the way that joy showed up in people's eyes,

if I just shoved the bowl in their face and I was like, do you want a piece of candy? And they'd be like, I don't have any kids. And I'm like, I didn't ask if you have any fucking kids. Do you want candy? I'm like, Halloween's for everyone, bitch. Like who told you that's not true? And I will say it was nice.

The first and the last trick or treater were door knockers. So it did feel classic. Oh, so you got that experience nice yeah um i i wanted to tell you there was someone my two favorite people that came by um one of them reminded me of leona a little kid in costume because she had such a little fucking attitude oh god she walked by and she went i I don't want any candy. And then she skipped away. And then she stopped and turned around and went, just kidding.

And then she came right back and robbed us. And then there was one person who, this kid. Just kidding. Just kidding. And then she like took all of it. There was one kid dressed as this little, like it was a handmade outfit and it was a robot costume and they couldn't even see through their own costume.

And they were like, can you put the candy in? I can't see. And I was like, for that you get half of this bowl for sure. The least effective robot in history. Can't even pick up candy. Also then when I put candy in, all of a sudden, it was like a cardboard robot thing. He clearly had an LED light or something in there.

And as soon as I put candy in, the light turned on in his mask and he went, scanning, robot scanning. And then he went, candy complete. And then he just ran away. Okay, hold on. Every year, I'm making this tradition. Eva, write this down. Every year, we're going to do, like, our favorite trick-or-treaters of the night before.

I think that's really fun. I mean, that was, like, that's absolutely a character. Just kidding. Yeah, I want to hear more about candy scanning and all the homemade costumes. Who was your favorite? Oh, my gosh, now I'm trying to think. I was just always so surprised by how sweet some of the kids were.

Like they would turn around and go, thank you ma'am. And I was like, oh, you're five. I was telling Allison, I was like, they clearly got such a lecture like before they left the house of their mom being like, do not fucking disappoint me. Do not. This is a big moment. Because every single kid who would only grab one piece tattled on themselves and they were like,

I think I accidentally got two. And I'm like, I'm not your mom, kid. I know. Take five. What's wrong with you? I accidentally got two. That happened a lot. Yeah. I feel like it was all a blur.

I can't even remember what my favorite costume was. There were some where they were clearly homemade and I was like, I have no idea what you are, but it is cracking me up. Yeah, but the effort is there. Yes. I'm like, I, you idea what you are, but it is cracking me up because I love it. But the effort is there. Yes, I'm like, you're really owning it, whatever you are. Yeah, there was nothing like super like creative though, like I don't think costume wise.

What was the most common one? Oh my gosh. We didn't even have a lot of like prints that like Elsa's. We had some that- I was gonna say ours was Elsa's. Your Leona was onto something with Grumpy Toad. She knew, she knew that she had to be the odd one out, but there were a lot of like Minecraft

and like things that I don't really understand where I'm like, okay, I know sort of that that's a thing young people like. There was a SpongeBob I was excited about. A little girl, a SpongeBob was cute, yeah. I saw, okay, we saw three Pikachus and for one who was like a little baby and he was like trying to figure out the concept of grabbing a piece of candy, his parents were like, I'm sorry.

And we were like, no, we're big Pokemon fans. The dad whipped out Pokemon cards and just gave them to us. Wait, what? Oh, hell yeah. I was like, I know who picked this kid's costume. So you got a trick or treat. And they were trick or treat themed Pokemon cards. Wait, that's really cute.

Isn't that fun? Yeah. Who knew? Oh, I was gonna tell you the, this is like a one that's trending on TikTok right now, but I saw one in real life and it blew my mind, was someone dresses Doug Dibidome, home of the Dimmsdale Dibidome from Fairly Odd Parents.

That's very good. And the hat, like it was, it's went so high that they couldn't walk through the trees. Like it kept knocking off. But everyone they walked past would go, Doug, never know. And he'd go, no, that's so. Oh, it must feel so good when people like

actually recognize you and you're like, hell yeah. Well, Leona thought everyone recognized her cause I made her a name tag that said grumpy toad from Pete the cat. And then I bought a sticker book and put stickers of the characters. So people would be like, oh, I recognize that. So people would be like, hi grumpy toad. So people would be like, hi, Grumpy Toad.

And she's like, I am Grumpy Toad. And they were like- No, that's, you probably, I don't think you realize how much better you made her Halloween. Like she's gonna remember- Okay, I do, because as a child with a very thick German accent,

when I would try to tell people like, I'm the elf from the Hans Christian Andersen series. And everyone else is like- I'm a cantaloupe, I'm a paper bag. Yeah, something fucking weird. Yeah, something paper bag. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking weird. Yeah. Something fucking weird. And people wouldn't get it. And then I would just like get made fun of and I'd feel so embarrassed.

So I was like, that is not happening. I am putting her costume on her name tag. But I think you know what it's I think what you know, you did is that you didn't give her a bad experience, but I don't think you've realized the joy of the good experience.... Oh, that's nice. I had not thought about it that way. Because she definitely will remember this as like a moment where like 100 people recognized her.

That had to blow her mind. And then she got a king-size Hershey bar. Oh, man. She's not having a bad day. I'm telling you that. She's having a great time. Oh, and last thing I want to say too, I had to post for the first time in,

since moving here in my neighborhood forum, like they have this like E forum and the post was called, have you seen my legs? Because I bought, so remember how I said last year my skeleton was stolen. So I bought another one this year and it finally came on Halloween yesterday. I set them all up. I put it in, that's why we drink witch hat on him. Cause that was the only witch hat I had. And I put that on him.

And then I made sure to tie him up to the door so that people couldn't steal him, right? Yeah. Some fucking asshole teenagers, I'm assuming, listen, maybe not, but some assholes pulled the legs off of it and just took those. Is this like a viral thing, like a trend? No, I think people just like to take shit.

Sometimes people will just dig the flowers out of my flower pots and just walk away. Now I'm checking all my stuff in the yard. I'm like, where's my shit? For real, I don't know what it is. I mean, we're near a high school and I think just sometimes the kids just get like, and it's whatever, I'm not gonna hold a grudge about it,

but I had to post, the reason I posted is because I have the top half of the skeleton and I'm like, well, what are they gonna do? They'll probably just toss it out into the sidewalk. So I said, if anyone happens to see disembodied skeleton feet, like, please let me know. So anyway, that's just my PSA today. I was very sad when I saw him missing this morning.

Teenagers suck. I told you I got egged, right? No! My car, thank God, not suck. I told you it got egged, right? No. My car, thank God, not my actual house. Your car got egged? Yeah. But even then, but then as I say, thank God, not really because like paint,

the paint like starts chipping off pretty quick if it dries. Yeah, and it probably seeps into everything. Ew, Em. Who did that? I don't know. It's not fucking me. Teenagers. Teenagers.

Yeah, it was. It was clearly a drive by like our car was not targeted. Was that last night? No, you would think it was on a random. Say it was on Halloween. Random like August night when we moved in. It was. It's a hot month. Oh, that's rude. Oh, well, I'm sure they thought it was hysterical,

but fun fact, if you do get eggs, once the egg dries, the paint starts chipping on your car, LOL, but if it happened on the house, then it's hard to clean and then your house smells like rotten eggs. So I don't know which I prefer. But it's not good either way. But because they're teenagers

and they stay up until like four in the morning. You can't like catch them. Well, no, I was gonna say, because they were up until four in the morning. And then we I was like leaving for the airport at like six in the morning. Like I caught it while it was running. It looked like someone happened to see. I see. OK. It looked like someone like snot rocketed all over my car. It was disgusting.

And then we thank God I saw eggshell in there and I was like, OK, it's just egg. But it had to get we saw it while it was still able to get washed off, so. Yuck, well, I'm sorry that happened. I don't envy you. I hope it got cleaned. It did, anyway, teenagers suck. Teenagers scared.

Remember when we thought that was like our anthem, and now it's like, no, it's how I really feel about teenagers. I remember being like, yeah, we're scary. Yeah, we're so scary. And now I'm just like, no, it's how I really feel about teenagers. I remember being like, yeah, we're scary. Yeah, we're so scary. And now I'm just like, no, you're just annoying. And that's what scares me is like, you're so unpredictable with how fucking annoying you are.

You're unpredictable, yes. Yeah, I'm just scared of not feeling relaxed because you're gonna do something that annoys me. Like pulling the legs off my skeleton is not even gonna get you a nice Halloween decoration. It's just now two broken pieces of a, like at least make it a good prank. Like, come on.

Also the invincibility of teenagers freaks me out. Oh, they're out of control. I'm just like, and I remember feeling that way too. So I'm like- Hey, remember when you told me to fucking paint a Starbucks lid and put it up by my skeleton and I just didn't have time. I'm just saying it would have maybe- It only.

I wonder if someone would have seen that and go, oh no, we can't. That would have been wild though if the legs were, if it got stolen and that stupid frappuccino lid was on. Like, well that didn't work. But we tried. Oh God, okay, I'm so sorry. Anyway, this is a long intro,

but after Halloween we gotta catch up. No, I think people would like to hear our spooky stuff. I also would like to know what, if you guys wanna write in the comments, I wanna know what our listeners actually dressed up as, or what their family dressed up as. Oh, fun. I bet people have creative costumes in our audience. I mean, we know that.

We did the Halloween costume contest. Yeah, and we have some great ones. It was very hard to pick, but we did end up picking some winners. I believe those are going to be announced at some point. Also, sorry, I was supposed to mention this. I hope Eva's not having a heart attack, but we need to announce a very quick thing about Patreon, which is just that it's an Apple iOS situation.

They changed, you've probably heard this on other podcasts that you listen to, but they changed the signup process for Patreon. Essentially, if you sign up through the app store, you end up paying like a big surcharge. And so we're just encouraging people to go onto the desktop, like just a web browser. Patreon.com, yeah.

Yeah, exactly, like the actual site, just because we don't want people to get overcharged, and that just kind of goes straight to Apple. And, you know, I think we can all agree, even if they are hard up, they're fine, okay? So we don't need your hard-earned money going there, if it doesn't have to. So yeah, you can go to Patreon.

And on that note, we did an awesome Patreon Halloween livestream. It was super fun. And it was so on that note, we did an awesome Patreon Halloween livestream. It was super fun. And it was so fun that I think we decided maybe we wanna make that a monthly thing. Yeah, I would like to. I really enjoyed that before,

it was during COVID or before COVID, but we used to do a monthly Instagram Live. And then- Yes, it was pre-COVID cause there was no way to do two distances yet. That's why we had to stop. Yeah, and so that was always one of my favorite things to do because it's at least once a month when people can actually

interact with us and ask us questions. Yeah, it feels like we're talking to you. Yeah, so I would like to do that. Actually, probably I like that more maybe than you happy or. Yeah, we were thinking, well, because we looked at the number, we crunched the numbers, folks. Um, we crunched the numbers, and by that I mean I looked at them one time,

and they weren't, I mean, people come to the Yappy Hour, but it's not that many, and it feels like maybe people aren't as excited about it as they were about, like, the livestream. So we're thinking of potentially just doing a monthly livestream instead of the Yappy Hours, but we're gonna put a poll on Patreon so that people can weigh in with their options, their favorites. potentially just doing a monthly live stream instead of the Yappy Hours, but we're gonna put a poll on Patreon

so that people can weigh in with their options, their favorites. Well, I know I actually, I really prefer the live stream more than the Yappy Hour, because I feel like the Yappy Hour is just like another podcast episode, which is fine. Because I mean, that is basically what it is. But it's always about just something kind of,

you don't know what to expect. It's kind of random, which is fine too, but. And I always, I love a live stream. I love interacting with everybody. So I'll always take that over anything else. So same. And now that we know like we have the right software and stuff, I feel like it'll be easier.

And certainly better than it was pre COVID. So, Oh, and Em made a good point too. Like we could do like more seasonal ones. So like a Christmas or a, you know, holiday live stream and a. Yeah, I wanted to I suggested that Christine and I open our Christmas presents on December one. Because we usually do it as like a a Patreon special. But it's like I kind of like sometimes the I'm giving you things

that have to do with the show and then no one gets to like. It feels like we're not part of that, you know. Right. And we're not going back to look at comments later. So it's like, oh, now we can actually see people react and they can see us react live. So anyway, sorry, Eva, that I forgot to mention that. It would also give people a chance to like weigh in on like what they wanna talk about during the live stream.

Like if there's anything they wanna ask questions about. Oh, true, like ask questions about things, yeah. Yeah. Like I get to talk about how I was poltergrope because someone asked about the ghost in my house. That's crazy. Yeah, for people who weren't on the live stream, Christine had something touch her in her house

on her bubbies. Boobs. Yeah, has it happened since? No, last night I was like, oh my God, it's gonna happen because I talked about it. But no, no, it didn't happen. So maybe they're giving me a little space. I don't know, we'll see. Okay. Well, good luck to you and the twins. Sorry, that's so gross. Christine, I really need you to

do me a favor. Oh, okay. Anything. Wow. I know. I was like, I just want to see what happens if I say anything. This is certainly doable. I wrote these notes with the intention that you are going to really fucking bring it in terms of banter. Good thing I brought a vape pen. I was going to say, not to put you on the spot, but I need you to be a really good podcaster today. I'll be on my A game, you say?

No, what I... It's going to be easy. I was on... It's going to be easy for you. Okay, okay, okay. I'm ready. Watch me be so bad at bantering because now I know I should banter and I'm like, wow, the pressure's on and suddenly I choke. No, no.

I promise you the prompts are very clear. Excellent, Tante. Okay. Well, I will also say real quick, I was on an episode that I know you did the same thing, Gack, Gossip at the the corpse cart with Lucy and Amanda from Wine and Crime. It was you, me and my brother all three in a row for three months.

So, yes. So I got my shot and we recorded yesterday and Amanda just goes, oh, don't worry. You can vape on the show. And they both pick up their vape pens and I was like, wait, where's mine? And I pull mine out and they were like, oh my God. So I thought, wow, there's so much cooler than me.

They feel, you feel so seen. I feel so seen. I can't believe I don't have to hide it. Anyway, sorry. So yes, I am prepared to banter. Okay. Take a big hit. I won't do the thing that I want to do, which is tell you information so you can choke

because I want you to choke on smoke. That's crazy. Yeah, that would really be bad for audio. But I would like you to get warmed up if you- Okay, I'm super weird about doing it on camera, so I'll go down. Just hide away. Just hide, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and you know, if a principal saw you, you'd be in so much trouble. Oh my God, I just remembered my favorite trick or treater. This little boy walked up and said, what's your name? And I went, what's your name? And then he went, you look a lot like my principal. Oh, that's such a painful thing to say.

I do? I was like, excuse me? And then he like came up and he looked at me and he went, nevermind. And he took a whole handful and walked away. And I was like, that was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I mean, in the world of trick-or-treats, that was a fucking trick for sure. No, it was so rude. And the way that I tell ever seen. I mean, in the world of trick or treats, that was a fucking trick, for sure. I know, it was so rude.

And the way that I tell you, this child was probably seven, like really small, and he's like, what's your name? And I was like, is that how you talk to your principal? I like how as a seven-year-old, he's like, I know you're not someone who's gonna piss me off on Halloween. Get out of here.

I know you're not about to put restrictions on my good time. When a six-year-old just walks up and goes, what's your name? I was like up and goes, what's your name? I was like, excuse me, what's your name, little child? I either want to be on your side or I want to run very far away from you. I was like, next year I should dress as a principal

and see if that kid comes back. Oh, did you get that kid's name? It'd be funny if you gave him a detention. Well, I said, what's your name? And he's like, I'm not telling you. And I was like, well, I'm not going to tell you either. His parents are cops. I can already tell. I know, I was going to say. He's like, I don't play this game. Show me your badge like, I'm not telling you. And I was like, well, I'm not gonna tell you either. His parents are cops. I can already tell.

I know, I was gonna say, he's like, I don't play this game. Show me your badge number. I'm not telling you anything without a lawyer present. Yeah, I don't play this game. Uh. Mommy, that lady asked for my name. Okay, he asked me first. Yeah.

Why did he? Trust me, I know, I was like, am I gonna get in trouble with any of these kids if I get too wild and out? Yeah, dude, if you start wilding out. Okay, where were we? Oh yes, I'm about to tell you a very good thing. Well, a very silly thing.

And I think anyone who knows this topic has probably been eager for me to talk about it. Christine. Yep. Can you name every single subscription you have, go. Okay, so I know I can't name all of mine And Christine obviously can't either it is just awful at one point I tried to list everything that I have a subscription for and all I did was get scared and realized that I'm

Was blowing my life the list never ends and it's like the more you do it the more scared you are and that's why also Yes, we're talking about rocket money by by the way, folks, but I'm in the same boat as you. I'm where sometimes I'm like, Rocket Money, can you do it? Can you look and tell me? I'm too scared to look. We even sometimes put like the podcast card. I have my podcast card on there and it'll like tell us how much we're spending like

during tour versus not and on supplies. I just freaking love this service. With Rocket Money, we don't have to remember every subscription or worry about forgetting any because we can see them all laid out right in front of us. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. See all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going, which I mean, I was the way that I need a list. I just want it all right there for me.

Somebody needs to do that for me, right? Not, I don't want to do it myself. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash drink. That's rocketmoney.com slash drink rocketmoney.com slash drink. Um, this is the dildo monster. What? Are you very excited? I'm very excited.

Or the monster of dildo pond. The dildo monster is so good. I have to tell you now, you're going to forget halfway through that a monster is coming because the first half is just obviously a deep dive on The fucking dildo monster so I'm gonna forget and then the dildo monster will like suddenly surprise me. That's great here Yes, that's just excellent news. Thank you so I I have some extra notes. I couldn't I couldn't tear away from this I have extra notes that I texted myself later. So I'm going to be going between two sets of notes.

So at some point I will slip up and go, Oh, I just couldn't, I couldn't get myself away from this big dildo monster. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I have the number of times I've heard you say that. Which by the way, um, rest in peace to my algorithm, every piece of it. Oh, I imagine you're fucked. Yeah. Immediately, I mean, even like TikTok, like that. In more ways than one. Like truly every, I don't know what the right words are, but after searching this, my entire computer,

I'm surprised didn't just shut down. Didn't just set on fire. When you type in dildo monster, I'll tell you, cryptid is not the first thing that comes up. This is like when I do VHT's idiot, I'm like searching for like blue lives matter blankets on Amazon to read reviews. And then it was like, we got the perfect gift for you

this holiday season. I'm like, what's happening? I'm telling you the way that fantasy sex toys are- Oh boy. Just showing up on my phone. Holiday wish list. Oh my God. And remember I'm the Charlotte. So this is every time I up on my phone. A holiday wish list, oh my God. And remember, I'm the Charlotte, so every time I turn on my phone, I just go,

what? I'm also the Charlotte, so maybe we're both just, I don't know, wait, so you're the Charlotte too? Well, in the actual bedroom, I would be a Charlotte for sure. Oh, oh, oh, I see, I see. You're the Charlotte of like being, yeah, of sex toys. Uh-huh, but between the two of us,

we both know that the gamut runs from Samantha to Charlotte. Understood, okay, I see. I'm looking at a Samantha, you know what I'm saying? No, I don't see her anywhere, so it's fine. Yeah. Okay, so this is in a town called Dildo, Newfoundland. Dildo, Newfoundland. Mm-hmm.

Impeccable. There are about 1,200 Dildoians. Stop it right now. And fun fact, in 1938, Amelia Earhart stopped here to refuel. Yeah, she did. I have a feeling she knew exactly what she was doing. That is really good.

That's really good news. I'm glad she got to see that before she passed. I love that she had a map. And she saw, well, I'm obviously refueling in Dildo. There's just no way I'm glad she got to see that before she passed. I love that she had a map and she saw, well, I'm obviously refilling in Dildo. There's just no way I'm not. Where else would I possibly go? I'll reroute for a few miles just to get there. Because it's been named Dildo for centuries.

So she definitely at least landed and went, what is this place? And they went, welcome to Dildo. And she went, oh, yeah, I'm with the right people. They probably did like a little welcome. Dildo, oh, Riley. D the right people. They probably did like a little welcome. Dildo, oh Riley. Dildo parts, ow! Penis parts.

So, okay, Amelia Earhart has stopped here. And now, because obviously of the name, other celebrities have stopped by. And this is where I now go into a deep dive. I was not going to do these notes and not look up why the fuck this place is called dildo. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So fun fact, dildos have been a concept. Do you want to guess how long dildos have been around? Certainly well before probably the wheel. I'm thinking caveman era. I don't know. Go ahead and tell me. Since the Ice Age at the very least.

Okay. So yeah, great. So almost 30,000 years ago. Since the dinosaurs. No, not quite. Since people realized they could get freaky with whatever's nearby, I suppose. I mean, it must have been one of the first lessons they figured out. I mean, you didn't have internet or books.

Like you got to kill time somehow. What else are you got to get you got to kill time somehow. Yeah So they've been around for I think 28,000 years Jesus But the word dildo itself did not always mean sex toy since the 1700s The word dildo actually just meant any random cylindrical object Really? So if it was a cylindrical object, it was a dildo So if it was a cylindrical object, it was a dildo. Dildo is such a funny word, like separated from being a sex thing. Like dildo, like it already sounds very silly.

Which is wild because like it's certainly of the things it is, it is not sexy. Like it's not like, oh, pass me the dildo. 100%. 100%. That's a great point. You would think dildo. It's like, oh, I know the perfect match. You would think a modern sex toy would have like a sexy thing. Like you would say, pass me the... I mean, honestly, like if they just called it the cylinder,

like that even sounds better than a fucking dildo. Like, come on. I mean, dildo is pretty mysterious, I guess, but it sounds too silly that no one even cares about its mysteriousness. Exactly. It just sounds very unsexy. Like you said, as we're talking about sexy, as I was doing,

you and I know what sounds sexy. So I'll tell you, as the Charlotte of the podcast, I know sexy, uh, Alison came out this morning and saw me working on these notes. And then she went, and she just saw at the top of the page, it's a dildo monster. She just went oh she's like i'm gonna go back to my excel spreadsheet i'm so sorry i even looked looking forward to tuning in i guess um oh no and we would think because she lives with me she would get like early intel but she very much was like i don't want wanna know. She's like, I actually don't want that. I don't want any intel. I regret looking at all.

So, okay. Dildo means any random cylindrical object. So, you know what? Now that you know this and Blaze doesn't, you should just mention anytime you see a cylindrical, I mean, my LD, is that not a dildo? Oh my gosh, you're right. So I'll be like, pass me the dildo

and it'll just be like a- Hang on, I'm gonna put this dildo to my mouth and let the liquid just seep in. Drink it up. Okay. I'm gonna pour the contents of this dildo straight in my mouth. Vomit-ous.

Yeah, I like that very much. Like just a street lamp. I'm trying to think of other things. I mean, you are teaching Leona shapes, no? Yeah, sure. I mean, I know. That's a dildo. Yeah, sure. I mean, I am now. That's a dildo. That's a rhombus, I think.

That's your classic dildo, and that's your classic rhombus. Thank God I'm here to teach you about this. All she has to know is like a circle, square, dildo, and then everything else is a rhombus, cause it's just- That sounds like correct to me. I crunched the numbers and I think they're correct.

Who taught you that line? Cause that's hysterical and you've said it twice. I can't stop saying it. I started saying it the other day and I thought that's funny. Who taught you that line? Cause that's hysterical and you've said it twice. I can't stop saying it. I started saying it the other day and I thought that's funny. And I just said- See, you're teaching Leona things while you're still, you're learning from others.

I'm learning so much. Okay, so yes, cylindrical object. So maybe the area was called dildo, not to be funny, but because like it had like a cylindrical shape or it could have been anything like that. called dildo not to be funny, but because like it had like a cylindrical shape or, you know, it could have been anything like that. But there were other theories as to why the town might have been called dildo, one being that there is a local bush,

lol bush. I was like, oh, wow, this is this is deep. This lore goes very deep. There was a local shrubbery, I should say. That was actually called a dildo tree. And so it's kind of just like- Is it this one? Honestly, I think I looked up dildo tree trying to,

I looked at dildo tree and guess what I found. Let me check, cause I just Googled it also. Oops. Is it just a Christmas tree covered in dildos because that's what I got. Actually, whoa, this one's a dildo in the shape of a Christmas tree. That looks painful.

I'm gonna be honest with you. My understanding from the very limited actual information I could find was that a dildo tree is like a cactus of sorts. Oh, okay, interesting. Or at least it's cactus shaped, which yeah, a cactus is a dildo shaped tree. Leona's like, I'm learning plants.

Like that's another dildo. I'm so confused. I thought a dildo was that street lamp outside. I mean, the best part really is a hot dog, shape-wise. Listen, that's a dildo. Banana, you know, you've got it all. And it's a wiener. And now it's a dildo.

Is it a real wiener or a fake wiener now? I don't even know. I'm gonna hold off on- Oscar Mayer, weigh in. I'm gonna hold off on having this conversation with Leona on second thought. So it could be named after a tree, just like how like we have Joshua tree and it's named after the Joshua tree.

What is it? Is it a cactus? It's literally a common name used for several species of long, narrow cactus. And then they have like different types of, oh, it's the ones where they have like little, they go like this. Oh, it's the ones where they have like little, they go like this. Oh, the classics.

But not even from like, they're like, let me send you a picture. Oh, like they all start from the root. Yes, yes, exactly. It's like three fingers coming out of the ground. A bunch of dildos coming out of the ground. Ah, I did a menage a trois, if you will. Well, more than trois, I think it's more like,

the how do you say 17 in French? Désert. Oh, wait, wow. Ménage à désert. Oh my God, that's beautiful. Anyway, I sent a picture to the group. And then, oh my God. Imagine seeing this and going, yep, that's a dildo.

Hold on. Oh. Sending this to the group right now. This is on the that's a dildo. Hold on. Oh. I'm sending this to the group right now. This is on the Wikipedia for a dildo cactus. See, this is the exact opposite of a dildo. That is what you would really have to run away from. The worst way to exfoliate the inside of you.

Thank God it was during the ice age and there weren't giant cacti to experiment with. Yeah, they look like those fake hot dogs out in nature that are on a stick near the pond. Oh yeah, those are always so rude. Which also is a dildo, I mean by definition. You're exactly right. Speaking of French, another theory of why this place is called dildo is because it might stem from French or the French term Ile d'Eau, which is island of water. Oh, well that also tracks. It could also mean a it could come from the old Spanish word

for the bottom of a boat, which I tried looking up what the hull of a boat is in Spanish, and it didn't look like anything resembling dildo. So that's in dildo. OK. I don't know if that one lands. And then they also think it could be Italian, which is it could be a bastardization of the word diletto, which means delight. Oh, that's cute. So maybe you say diletto enough times you say diletto,

diletto, diletto, diletto, diletto. I can see that. Since it's a nautical town, it could also stem from- So there's probably not cacti there then. Right, that's what I understand. But maybe there was a plant that looked like it in the 1700s. That's true. It could have just been a different...

Yeah. But since it's a nautical town, because it's like a very maritime... It's a small boating, fishing town. It could be named after the cylindrical shaped pegs on boat oars, which they are the shape of a delbo. Oh, cylindrical shaped peg of a dill bow. So that's another theory. Or it could be everyone's favorite theory, which let me double check my text and make sure I haven't forgotten anything yet. Nope. Perfect. Okay. I just want to make sure that I say it all. You're going to love this. Okay. So everyone's favorite theory is that, so the name, the town has been called dildo since 1711 at least. That's the earliest documentation

we have of it. Wow. Okay. Um, which is why I gave the whole history of what dildo even means because in the 1700s, it could have just meant cylindrical. And it's very funny that they didn't know what they were doing when they named the town. But they might have because, so the first time the town was documented, it was dildo island and dildo did have an E at the end, I'll say. So maybe it had nothing to do with dildos at all.

But the explorer and land surveyor who came into this town, his name was Captain James Cook. And Captain Cook, he was the surveyor of Newfoundland and him and his assistant named Michael, which I like to think it was Michael Scott when you hear the rest of this. They had the job of not only documenting and mapping out the land,

but naming all the parts of the land as well. Stop it. And they loved seventh grade humor. No. It's thought that they were just naming places in hopes to make each other laugh and then writing it down so they wouldn't forget where they were going.

And they were like, well, maybe the thought was like, oh, we'll write an actual name later, but for now, let's just call it this thing. And so here are some other examples of things that they named. On dildo or near dildo, there is Tickle Bay. OK, there is Cuckold's Cove. No way. Conception Bay. Stop.

Gayside, which probably meant happy side at the time. Blow Me Down. No. Spread Eagle Island. Two islands that they named Our Ladies Bubbies and then renamed them to The Twins. You're kidding me. And then farther up the coast is Ass Rock.

Stop. Literally just spelled A-S-S, space, rock. That's when they like ran out of the jokes. They were like, let's just call this one Ass Rock and move on. I imagine that was the situation, but then they even had another one called, it was something called like leading tickles or something

where it was very, it's badly sensual. Badly sensual. So anyway, they named all of the areas those things. And what are the odds it's in a town called Bilbo? Immediately convinced. Like there is no way you can unconvince me of that at this point. Cuckolds, wait, what was the other one?

Wait, the one that shocked me the most, I think. Cuckolds Cove. Not Cuckolds Cove. There was one a few later. Tickle Bay, oh, Conception Bay, G the most, I think. Cuckold's Cove. Not Cuckold's Cove. There was one a few later. Tickle Bay, oh, Conception Bay, Gayside, Blow Me Down, Spread Eagle Island. Spread Eagle. Spread Eagle, there is no way, even in the 1700s,

that Spread Eagle didn't have some sort of connotation. And then all the other ones, come on. And on top of it, so this is the main area called Dildo, and it was the largest of three the main area called Dildo, and it was the largest of three islands to get to Dildo Tip. So, I mean, come on. I mean, it's like right there.

And so what I think happened is that this town was maybe called Dildo Island with an E, and it actually was either like a bastardization of a different language or it was cylindrical shaped. And I think he was a 12 year old and he got on the island and went, ha ha, dildo, dildo. And it started the gears of him saying

all these shitty little kid things. Oh, M, that makes so much sense. That's my guess. There's no written word of that. But I mean like- That makes so much sense. It's like, oh, the island started it. It's no written word of that, but I mean like- That makes so much sense. It's like, oh, the island started it. It's called Dildo, what was I supposed to do?

I feel like he was like, oh, I am actually here to do a job. And then he saw that the island was called Dildo and he was like, well, today's gonna be a fun day of work. Yes, finally. I get to be creative. Wow. It's like, oh, well, what would be a Dildo Island?

Obviously Cuckold's Cove. Yeah, and Spread Eagle and Ass Rock. I mean, come on. Yeah, like That's I think that's what happened because if you think about it as much as people say Oh captain Cook named the place that was in the 1760s and there's documentation of dildo island from 1711, right? So they'd already named it that for whatever reason and he's like, oh dildo. Oh my god. Um, you get it I think I figured out how a teenage boy works. I just had to deal with like a hundred of them last night. I know they're everywhere.

So some people have petitioned to change the name of the island, but so many of the locals love it, especially because it brings in tourism for their small fishing town. Yeah, yeah. They're like, we're not gonna change it. I mean, I'm actually probably grown to just like not feel weird about it, you know?

I mean, when you live in a town called dildo, I think you just don't even hear it as dildo anymore. Exactly, exactly. Hey, so guess what? I finally bullied Eva into buying all of her entire wardrobe from Quince because it's about time she gets on the bandwagon. She was literally wearing one while we recorded just now.

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That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash drink to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash drink. So with today's tourism, one of dildo's most precious traditions to the visitors is um so if we went to dildo you and me when we go to dildo you mean when we go to dildo let's speak it into. There is, I'm gonna be driving you through Texas next week and I'm gonna be like, I gotta refuel, I'm gonna just take a quick V tour. Okay, Amelia. Just do a quick refuel in the rental car up in Dildo.

Well, so there is a ceremony that the locals host for visitors coming in to make them honorary Newfoundlers, Newfoundlanders. And it is called a screech in. What? And a screech in is a ceremony where visitors and newcomers drink for the first time the local drink called screech.

And it is a very high alcohol rum. Some sources said it was up to 80 proof. Screech. And basically the way that Screech came about is that a long time ago, Newfoundland would trade cod with Jamaica for their rum. Oh, interesting. And so what made this really special though,

this was like actually such a smart business move is that these bottles of screech in Jamaica, it was this rum in Jamaica, they would make it at a hundred forty proof alcohol and it was not meant to be drank like that, it was more of a concentrate that you dilute later. Wow, that is smart. But the reason that they would do it that way is because if they made it that potent you could save money by shipping either less bottles of it or you could ship a normal amount of bottles, but you would have like quadrupled the amount of alcohol in those bottles.

Yeah, makes total sense. So it allegedly got its name screech because a non Newfoundlander came to town and saw locals drinking it. And I guess they were in, I don't know in his mind, he was like, I have to keep up with this guy. And he's drinking a lot. And so he saw that he was drinking screech and he was like, Oh, I'll take a shot of screech. And he didn't know it was 140 proof. And so he took a shot of 140 proof booze and he screamed and someone in the bar was like, what was that screech?

And the local apparently said the screech tis the rum of like, Oh, that's green. That was fucking the alcohol. We all would say at the bar after somebody just, wait, okay. So is the point, is the idea then that they, they received this rum, but they didn't know that it was a concentrate or they just liked it. I think he was just a concentrate. I don or they just like to drink it as a concentrate? I don't totally know if people drink it as a concentrate. If they do, I think it's just for the ceremony. I think the point is that, oh, we're going to make it really high alcohol so that way you get four times the amount of alcohol when it gets to you and then you can dilute it and have

four times the amount of drinks that the bottle would usually give you. Is the traditional drink just the original 140 proof? The ceremony? Now I think because it's easier to ship things, it looks like it's at the highest, it's like 80 proof. So it's on the level of like a moonshine or something. Right, so it's just a type of rum basically that they're drinking.

Screech also now is like loosely used for all high content, kind of cheaper rum. Gotcha. Okay. Okay. Interesting. So if you see Screech in stores, I know like New England also sells it and other parts of Canada. I've never heard of that. Apparently it's not specifically this Newfoundland Jamaican rum anymore. It's, you know, it just means high alcohol. Yeah. Uh, you know, it's just means high alcohol. Yeah. Okay. So back to these screech ins, uh, this like ceremony that the, the locals will host there. They do them a lot of times at, um, like, uh, local bars. Like there's a,

there's a brewery that's big on in the town and it's called dildo brewery by the way, of course. And also the town also does like boat excursions for tourists so they'll do screechings sometimes on the boats. Okay. And it's this initiation ceremony where native Newfoundlanders welcome tourists as honorary Newfoundlanders. Aw.

And it happens, it starts with the leader of the ceremony, the master of ceremonies, I think is what they're called. They run the screeching by wearing often like a yellow fisherman coat or like a fisherman hat, like the classic one that you see like Paddington wearing or something. Yes. And he's like supposed to be.

What do you call it, a Mac? Something. I don't know the right word. But basically he pokes fun and he's like kind of joking around with the whole crowd. That's the whole thing is like he's he's like making jest with the MC, the MC exactly. And sometimes he will also make visitors wear the same clothing. So they have like a fisherman's hat or a raincoat to put on. And first thing the leader will do is sometimes say like a poem

that's local to the town or tell a local story. Here is one of the common poems that they will tell the tourists at the beginning of the ceremony. From the waters of the Avalon to the shores of Labrador, we've always stuck together with a rant and with a roar. To those who've never been, soon they'll understand. From coast to coast, we raise a toast. We love the New Finland.

Oh, that's really nice. And after this, a lot of the ceremonies will then have you eat a Newfie steak, New Finland steak, which is a slice of bologna. It's a slice of bologna. Wait, really? And then sometimes also like, it'll like, bread or something. It's just to like,ologna. It's a slice of bologna. Wait, really? And then sometimes also like it'll like bread or something. It's just to like, oh, here's some, I guess local food.

I should have done a deep dive of like, what the hell Newfies sake is. It's so random. Oscar Meyer, way in again. So next to show gratitude to the fish and the fishing industries that built the town of Dildo, they bring out a actual frozen fish for you to kiss. But if you're too squeamish, they will also,

they have a stuffed penguin, and you can kiss the stuffed penguin. I wonder how many people actually kiss a fish. I think a lot of people. I did a field trip when I was in high school where we were like on a marsh for a weekend and they had us all kiss a fish. Wait, really? Yeah, I refused to do it because I was...

Of course you did because you're smart. I also, I'm so scared of fish. I know, I know. But yeah, I would have been like, bring me the plushie penguin now. Bring me the penguin. So after you then thank the fishing gods, I suppose, for bringing all this... For making out so well. For doing so well with dildo. Sometimes they'll also make you stand barefoot in a bucket of salt water. It's kind of like just making like... It's like little rituals.

Baby hazing, like silly stuff that everyone can laugh together with. Like, oh, now put your foot in the salt water. Some like tradition there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cute. foot in the salt water. Some like tradition there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cute. And then apparently he always asks either are you, is you a Newfoundlander or the more slangy local way of saying it is, is ye a screecher? I love that. And then you're supposed to respond. I hope they have it like on a post or somewhere because I would not be able to remember this. Oh, no, it's long? It's not long, it's just in this like slang, this old slang, but I don't know. What is it?

Indeed I is Mee-ole-cock and long may your big jib draw. That's very long. I can't remember that. I certainly wouldn't remember it. Apparently it means yes I am and may your sails always catch wind. That's nice. That's lovely. So finally finally then everyone takes a shot of screech together and visitors are then depending on the location you do this at some places will give you a

certificate for being an honorary Newfoundlander. You know you and I would be like we're waiting for the printer to work again so we can we're not leaving without our certificate. I'd be like I came here specifically because Yelp told me I would get a certificate. I would get a certificate. Please don't make me kiss another fish at another location who will get a better review from me. I'd be like, here, I'll handle this. Em is really scared of fish and you made them kiss an actual dead fish or live fish. I don't even know. Live is worse.

It's frozen. It's usually frozen. Oh, it's frozen. Okay, thank God. Yeah. So let's rethink this printer situation, shall we? I would slip him a $1 bill and be like, I think you want what I've got here. I'd be like, hey, add your credit card to DoorDash.

I'll order you a new printer. Here's the dollar. The last thing I'll say about the time. Well, the second to last thing, remember, I told you eventually a cryptic shows up. I was going to say I can't stop. I've yet to be surprised once again by the dildo monster. Well, in the town of dildo, every summer, and usually it's the last week of July,

the town hosts a festival called Dildo Day. Sure. Or dildo days, or, cause always dildo days because sometimes it lasts several days. I mean, when you've got a good dildo, you got to really- How could it not? Yeah, you get the most use out of it.

Sometimes you can't stop. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know. The fun just never ends with good dildo, you got to really... How could it not? Yeah. Sometimes you can't stop. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know. The fun just never ends with dildos, you know? That's what they say. That should be on a fucking chart, I'll tell you that. The fun never ends at dildos. Fun fact, in case anyone is listening to all the Samantha's out there,

actual National Sex Toy Dildo Day is September 7th. So have fun with that. We missed it. Well, for these Dildo Days, it is led by the town's mascot, because of course I got a mascot. Oh my God. It is a statue in the classic yellow fisherman's jacket.

His name is of course Captain Dildo. I have a picture for you of Captain Dildo. Captain Dildo. Because I was not gonna not show you a picture of Captain Dildo. Because I was not gonna not show you a picture of Captain Dildo. I was wondering if like that could have been someone's name way back in like the 17, 16, 17. Honestly, it could have been, yeah.

So there's Captain Dildo. I feel like I have him. Oh my God. Shut up. And so this is one picture where he looks like actually better. If you look up Captain Dildo, there's two Dildos, two captains. Whoa, Freudian slip, no kidding.

But so there's two of them. One of them looks a little more worse for the wear. So I'm thinking he might be the original. And then this is a new one by the water. I gotcha. But apparently I saw someone on Reddit say that they remembered the day that the statue was installed. They used to, they were there for the day that the statue

was installed and he remembers townspeople calling it the Captain Dildo's erection. Stop! Being erected. I mean, these people are geniuses. I mean, it's something else. Captain Dildo's erection is really good. Please don't miss the erection, the big, the big Dildo erection. No, the erection.

Listen! Are you not listening to me? Okay, so merchandise at Dildo Days, of course, it has to be 10 out of 10. Of course. The shirts, I have already been on all of the gift shops of that town's websites. And I tell you, I know exactly what I want from every single one of them.

Fantastic. And if we ever have, honestly, even like a main or like some sort of like New England show, I think I'm about to just take the ferry over to dildo at this point. Like, I can't not have a shirt that says dildo. Crashing your dildo party. Well, dildo days. See, now we miss that too. Oh, man.

But one of the most popular things that people buy at Dildo Days is not Dildo's, but is a shirt that says I survived Dildo Days. Because that's a wild ride. I didn't survive, actually. It was a little too much for me. I actually had to leave the group. I had to go home because Dildo Days was too intense. Couldn't make it.

Events at Dildo Days includes a scavenger hunt, which I hope it's X rated, but I just, I know it's not, cause it seems like a family town. But I like, I would like the, the 20 somethings to throw their own secret scavenger hunt. I was gonna say a secret one, yeah. I mean, imagine having a bachelor party in dildo. You have to, come on.

Come on. Come on. So there's a scavenger hunt. There's a teddy bear hunt, which I don't know what that's about, but okay. There's bingo, which you and I would decimate. There is a cold plate sale, which I think means like chicken salads and shit.

I love that. There's a bake sale. There's an afternoon tea. There's a quilt day. This is so afternoon tea. There's a quilt day. This is so wholesome. Fireworks for being called dildo days. Fireworks and a fishing derby. It literally sounds like they said, watch, everyone's going to think we're going to do

like dildo contest. We're going to make it so wholesome that it's confusing why it's called dildo days. It feels like everyone's like old sea shanty Irish grandpa got together and just decided to... And said like the good old days. Yeah, we have our cold salad and... Let's play checkers on the deck. Come on. And apparently some other ones, which I thought were more intriguing to me, one event is called Songs, Skits, and a Scoff. Which that just feels like a medieval jester name that and they never changed it.

Sure does. More on par with how you and I think. At dildo days you can also expect Cornhole, LOL. Wet and Wild Fun Day, which was vaguely not detailed to me. It's a little too vague. I imagine a bunch of people are going to show up and be very embarrassed. It's going to be that bachelorette party. Wet and Wildly at Dildo. What t-shirt contest? LOL also motorboating. Very funny.

I was going to say, I do not know what motorboating is. No, I do. I was trying to figure out if you meant like, actual motorboating. Which one? It is actual motorboating, but you know that. An actual boat, but like it's a play on words. But there's a lot of people who are like, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I was trying to figure out if you meant like, actual motorboating. Yeah, it is actual motorboating, but you know that- An actual boat, but like it's a play on words. But there's gotta be a shirt that says, I motorboated at Wet n Wild Fun Day in Dildo. There has to be. And then I'm gonna write,

got, so it'll say, I got motorboated at Dildo Fun Day. Oh, what did I say? I motorboated? Yeah, but that one would make more sense, because like if you were driving a motorboat it's like, oh no, I'm yeah Mm-hmm. Well, I'm gonna be the one that says I got motorboat. It'll be great And then the final event at Dolbo days is a church, of course They're like we've sinned actually we need to fix that. Okay, the last Fun fact I'm going to tell you about is that Jimmy Kimmel got wind of this town, obviously. Of course he did. And he had the town council on his show to ask them about Dolbo.

And he then asked, oh, like, do you have a mayor? And they said no. This set off quite a like five series bit on his show, where he began- I feel that I remember this very vaguely. He began his mayoral campaign opposed... or against nobody. It was just him. Running unopposed, right? Running unopposed.

ABC apparently spent like $100,000 to campaign in Dildo. And I'm assuming that money like went to Dildo and like helped their tourism or something like that. I hope so. I mean, being on the show five times in a row was certainly tourism enough for them. Yes, true.

Anyway, it became like a weird viral bit for Jimmy Kimmel stands where they watched him campaigning in Dildo. And there was a lot of shirts that said Dildos for Jimmy. It said, it said Jimmy Hart's dildo. And there were signs all over the town. It said Jimmy Hart's dildo. And he even pitched a march that said there's a little dildo in all of us. Come on. That's really good. At some point, Matt Damon got involved and he was also campaigning

to be a mayor there. He did not end up on top of the dildo. But the town took it very seriously. They went back on the show a few times and ultimately they, I think they actually did a screeching on the show. Cute. With his assistant, I always forget what his name is. Good, good, good.

Yes, okay. Guillermo. Guillermo. And ultimately they made Jimmy the first honorary mayor. There had never been a mayor in Dildo. Wow. So they actually did it. That's wow.

So not only is he the first honorary mayor, but the local brewery, Dildo Brewery, they made a beer after him called the Kim Ale. Kimel. Cute. Cute. They, what else? Oh, because they were on the Jimmy Kimmel show, one of the residents wrote a song about Dildo

and then got to perform it on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Cute. And it was a song about Dildo where half the lyrics are him basically doing like, L is for the way you look at me, O is. Yeah. So he, but he did Dildo, D stands for dignity. I wasted opportunity to say dignity.

Yeah, bummer. Then I'm gonna skip I first, but L was liberty, the other D is days of old, and O is the thing that finishes out the whole word so we can all say dildo. And I, innocent child, in dildo. What? Doesn't that feel weird? I feel like if I looked over the lyrics about dildo

and then innocent child was one of the five phrases I used, I'd change it to like integrity or intelligence. There's some other I words. Yeah. Individuality. What about innocence? You don't have to specify kids. They said like the innocent child's

who should never be ashamed or something. That was the lyric I think. But I was just like, I would have done a run over on that. I would have. Yeah, just a quick like redlining. A quick scan. So what's the O?

I was confused about the O. Oh, the O is, it just says like, an O finishes it basically. Oh, oh, okay, okay. I thought you were saying that. Oh, the O is, it just says like, an O finishes it, basically. Oh, oh, okay, okay. I thought you were saying that. LOL, they should have said O, like orgasm. O finishes it. Maybe that is what they're saying.

No, it's something, I don't remember, I don't have the lyrics in front of me. Not with innocent child. Certainly not with innocent child, that is true. It's like an O rounds it out, basically, is what the lyrics. Oh, okay, rounds it out, that's cute. Oh, rounds it out.

I'm paraphrasing. You keep giving me compliments on what I'm saying. That's not the actual lyrics. Your version's better. Thank you. See, all he needed was one writer's room session with me and I would have said, Innocent Child out, but there's a lot I have to say about the O.

The big O. It makes us feel very weird. The big O is in. So anyway, because they were on Jimmy's show and because like now the brewery is named after Jimmy, there were posters everywhere, there was merch. Still, if you go online, you will find if you look up dildo merch, it will be Jimmy's face. And a lot of it actually, by the way, is from, if it's not a Jimmy Kimmel merch, most of the dildo brewery merch you'll see, or most of the dildo merch you'll see online

is from dildo brewery. So of course I got you pajama pants from dildo brewery. Let's say dildo on them. You did not. Of course I did, what am I, an idiot? I'm so happy, I'm so happy right now. So it just is. Imagine I get like an email saying like from FedEx,

like your package is on, your package from like dildo is on the way And blaze be like, what are you ordering? No, it's um, it says dildo brewery in case anyone sees you wearing something that says dildo But I got you pajama pants because I was like just in case you don't want to wear the word dildo outside I do thank you. Okay. Well, then I should have gotten you the shirt. No. No, I love it I'm gonna wear my pajama pants outside speaking of innocent child. They also had children's shirts that said Dildo Brewery, which I get as a location name, but it still feels weird as an outsider. Feels like at school they

would not allow that. Yeah. Well, so anyway, go check out that Dildo song on YouTube if you'd like. And the next thing I'm going to say is that Jimmy Kimmel actually honorarily named Dildo a sister city to Hollywood. Oh. And because he did that on the show, ABC must have paid for this. But they say Jimmy Kimmel sent the town of Dildo, like how we have Hollywood as a sign. Yes. They installed a Hollywood sign in the hills that says Dildo. Which wasted opportunity to not have wood at the end of it like Hollywood, Dildo wood. That's good. Yeah.

That could be the yearly prank, the senior prank every year. That should be. Yeah. I have a picture of that for you also. So here is the sign of Dildo. Sister city to Hollywood is. Oh my God.

It's honestly better than I could have imagined. It's, it's very, cause it looks so classic. I know. Wow. That's great. And it lights up at night and everything, just like the real Hollywood sign. But anyway, so that is, that's the history of Dildo. I got to tell you, of all the stores,

I really need to go to Nan and Pop's dildo souvenir shop where they have a shirt. They have a shirt with like a really innocent child like smiley face that says, I got my dildo souvenir. Wow, wow. It's like half the time I think they're playing into the joke and half the time I'm like, no, they're not playing.

You know what I mean? I can't figure it out. I really can't tell because I will say, for those wondering, you cannot buy a dildo in dildo. Wasted opportunity yet again. Not even like, there's probably like an underground dealer, right? There's gotta be someone with one of those trench coats

full of dildos. Yes, there's gotta be. But I mean, no, I mean, this really is like- What if he did, but they were all just the pegs for that boat. He's like, oh, I thought you meant like the ones for the boat. Actually, it's just a bunch of liquid Beth in my jacket. Honestly, then I'll pay for it.

That sounds good. It, yeah, well, I mean, the town really is like 1200 people. They're all just like fishermen. Like it's, when you go, the coolest thing you can do there is probably get a picture with that sign and go to the brewery. Like it has like two gift shops. It's a very small town.

Very quaint. They're not taking advantage of this dildo situation. Right, right. Like it's kind of better almost. I feel like it makes it more pure, you know, like it just feels. They literally, by the way, they had a scandal a few years ago where a sex toy company literally went and took like promotional content in dildo and then like the town dildo was like we hate that don't do it so you can't do that well i think they were just like in dildo oh and they were just can do that yeah and they're just

like we're in dildo and here are our sex products use like the imagery of the like captain dildo or something no i think they were standing by like imagery of the Captain Dildo or something. No, I think they were standing by one of the road signs that said this way to Dildo or something. I mean, that's pretty good marketing, I gotta be honest. If you saw that and you made sex toys, you'd be like, I have to take this picture. Yeah, I don't totally blame the person for trying.

Yeah. I'd be like, well, if I sell Dildos and I live near Dildo, I'm obviously going to do something about that. Makes total sense. But then they ended up like saying she couldn't do that. So I don't, they're very prim and proper. Yeah, I see.

So I would, if it were me, if I were the actual, if I were Jimmy Kimmel and the true mayor of dildo, I'd be like, all right, sex shop, let's go. I know it's like, so not what you want, but think about the economy. You would gentrify it is what you're saying, but in the weirdest way, the weirdest most specific way, you're just gonna move in.

And with no consent, I suppose. Yeah, yeah, you're just gonna push everyone out and build a giant sex warehouse. It would just be like a trust me situation. I mean, how about we just try this for a year and if I'm wrong, we take it down. How about that? And all the ladies quilting in church

are gonna really love it. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you got, you're onto something. I would just be the villain of dild church are gonna really love it. Yeah, I think you're right. I would just be the villain of dildo for like one calendar year. I think just even what you just said made you the villain of dildo. If anyone gets wind of this, you are gonna be enemy number one.

I would bow out. I would shake hands on good faith. I'll bow out if I'm wrong in a year. But I just, let me just send you the business plan. You just tell me what you think. Why don't I just send you some projections. Glossy. Take a look. It's glossy. And it says that we're going to bop bop bop, you know, like

this town is going to grow, baby. I don't know. We'll see. It seems like we need to find a new angle because that doesn't seem to be their goal. But they don't seem to care. They are very happy with their very small town, which is lovely. I think they kind of I think I kind of like how they're just in their own little space. I think with my, I feel like there's just so many

sideway, there's so many like creative things you could do and I'm just like, how could you not even want to think about it for a second? But I also get what they like, they probably just want to keep their town as it is. So- I'm sure there's probably a little pocket of people who make it kind of fun. I like to think at like, at the local bar,

they just have like a piece of paper that locals come in, just write their ideas down in case anyone changes their mind. You just like get out of your system. You know what I mean? You have a pint and you get it out of your system. Yeah. And they're like, dildo shop, ah! And then they just kind of scream it out and they're like- Oh, giant dildo, system. Yeah. And they're like, dildo shop. Ah, and then they just kind of scream it out. And they're like, oh, giant dildo. Ah, yeah. So, uh, during their appearance, oh, the song,

well, okay. So now onto the actual dildo monster. The story is pretty short. So I'm glad I gave you the monster. Oh my God. He's back. So all of this monster was that something somebody put in the suggestion box, like at the very least on Halloween, someone should dress up as a massive fucking dildo. At the very least for a dildo monster, come on. Yeah, I mean, listen, I would be into it. I think I would not wanna explain to any children what that is, but you know, if someone else would.

Again, this is like the underground. I'm pretending children don't exist in this narrative. Oh, I see, okay, yeah, then let's do it. I hear what you heard and now that's awful. No. So only in your sex warehouse that you're going to build and, uh, displace all the local residents, only for a year though. Um, so in there we can wear the costume. Okay. You know, you're, you're onto it. Yeah. You like, again, thank God,

I don't actually have the, the, the urge or the power or the ability to do any of this, but in my brain,, let's put it this way, if someone were to, if Dildo were to go away, and, but the town name stuck, and I could go play Sims in that area and just build my own land, it would be oddly weird. It would be, it would live up to the Dildo name. This feels, yeah, it feels like for a minute there,

you're going into like the X-rated version of the Lorax, where you kind of just decide like, Yeah, it feels like for a minute there, you're going into like the X-rated version of the Lorax where you kind of just decide like, actually this is gonna really monetarily benefit me. I'm gonna put dildos everywhere. You've really laid a good foundation for me. Thank you. Yeah, I never said- Time to go.

I never said this hypothetical was ethical. Let's be clear. No, yeah, certainly not, yeah. Never claimed that. Ethical hypotheticals are no fun. No, yeah, certainly not, yeah. Never claimed that. Hypothetical, ethical hypotheticals are no fun. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, when we're playing pretend, we're going all out. When we're playing roller coaster tycoon, people are getting launched off of that.

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article in a newspaper is the only source we've got pretty much. Really? There's a few books on it that people have kind of done deeper dives into, but if you're looking for a proper source, like a direct source, there's only one newspaper article. Okay. So, the town of Dildo has a cryptid in its midst. Midst. And...

In its what? And this is the monster of Dildo Pond, or I lovingly call it the Dildo Monster. Of course, as you should. Which I'm sorry children, but Halloween happened yesterday. I got monsters on the brain. Bildow Monster would be crazy. That would win some sort of costume contest. Certainly.

Or perhaps get you disqualified. It really depends on the context of the contest. Or kicked out of the entire town, just exiled. Yeah, just exiled. So the story's main source comes from an article from 1950. And this paper tried to name the cryptid the DildoSUS. Maybe if quickly it's supposed to sound like DildoSUS. Or what about DildoSUS?

And it was Dildo slash S-U-S. Like slash or like a hyphen? Sorry, dash. S-U-S. Dildo slash sus. Like slash or like a hyphen? Sorry, dash, sus. Oh. Dildo sus. Dildo sus? That's weird. That's weird, yeah.

Dildo sus. Well, it obviously didn't fucking stick because people now know it as the monster of dildo pond. They were like, let's regroup. Who? What were you thinking? In the 1950s, dildo claimed their cryptid was bigger and at more, a higher chance of being real compared to other Canadian cryptids.

So people came out of dildo with a lot of smack talk. Came out swinging, yeah. They said, oh, Ogopogo, I don't fucking think so. Fuck off. I love that like a town named dildo is like, we're the biggest, we're the baddest. It's like, whoa, relax. It's like, okay, stop shoving it down my throat, dildo.

Yeah, oh my God, that was good. So in the 1890s, this is the first time that there was ever a witness to this monster. And it was this guy who was new to town. His name was Nielsen. He was the first person to see this monster. Let's talk about Nielsen for a second. His hobbies include cross breeding fish eggs

and having a group of pet ducks that followed him around. Honestly, half of that, I can really relate. I know, I love cross breeding fish eggs. So one day he heard his ducks freaking out near Dildo pond and saw a large black fish coming at them as they were sitting on the ramps. What, he should stop crossbreeding these things. He's creating a monster.

Hold that thought. So he saw this large black fish showing up out of nowhere and approaching the bank. When it got near the surface and it was big enough that Nielsen saw this thing and the ducks saw it for sure. Everyone ran, the ducks ran, Nielsen ran. And when I say ran, like Nielsen saw this thing and the Ducks saw it for sure. Everyone ran, the Ducks ran, Nielsen ran. And when I say ran, like Nielsen literally left town. He was like, I just moved here,

this is one of the first things. Wait, did he bring the Ducks? I don't, we never heard about the Ducks again, so I'm hoping so. No. But he, I love that he was new to town, he just put his like suitcase down. He saw one thing he didn't like and he was like red flag immediately, let's leave.

I feel like his Ducks, he's like, go play't like, and he was like, red flag immediately, let's leave. I feel like his ducks, he's like, go play outside, and the ducks were like, there's a scary thing, and he's like, we're all out, bye, we tried it. I sent you out on your way, you're not safe here, ducks. Apparently, as he left town, he warned others of what he just saw in Dildo Pond, and he was like, I'm outta here, fucking- Where are you going?

Yeah. He's like, I don't know. I never believed what I saw. But he was like, it was scary enough that I would rather just re-uproot right away. Wow. Okay. After that, the monster only gets seen every now and then by people who spend time near the pond, basically in the 1930s through the 1950s. That's when most people saw this thing. One guy saw the fish. Everyone seems to see this fish when it's like just swimming up to the bank and then swimming away. That's kind of the whole thing. It's like, Oh,

it approaches and then it leaves like any other fucking fish, you know? So, but everyone's really freaked out. I think by its size anyway. So, um, where were we? This? Oh yeah. So one guy saw the fish and claimed it was as big as a rowboat. And, but nobody believed him when he went to go tell people because he was old. Oh, yeah. So one guy saw the fish and claimed it was as big as a rowboat. And... But nobody believed him when he went to go tell people because he was old. They were like, well, okay, grandpa. You know, it was like...

Because you're old. That's not nice. They're like, you're obviously senile if you saw a fish as big as a boat. And I'm like, has nobody seen a fish as big as the boat? Okay. Another time, two guys saw it together, but people didn't believe them because they thought they were fucked up on screech. And then another witness was by the pond when he heard splashing in the water, he looks around and he sees the monster. And it's reported that so far of these witnesses, they quote, didn't like the gleam and its watery eyes and they thought it quote had a hungry look in its eyes

So they're already thinking this fucker is gonna eat me. That's like my Monster I mean Yeah, the build is gonna get you out. So yeah, I'm gonna say you're not careful. She's gonna I'm having a very weird flashback. Do we talk about this with like Two Girls, One Ghost or something? It feels like something we would do. Wine and crime.

It feels like a wine and crime conversation. Doesn't it? Like I feel this weird tickle in the back of my brain that's like, hey, remember? The dildo monster's rooting up in there, getting inside you. Yeah, I think he's back there. I really do, but I could be wrong.

But if anybody has heard that, let me know. I'm curious if I'm just having a weird deja vu, which I would probably have about the dildo monster. Sometimes the dildo's on the brain, I get it. I guess so. So they described the monster, all these people collectively. It turns out the monster had big bulging eyes,

had a barrel-sized body, a slimmer neck, slimmer than its head. But the neck and head combined was like eight feet long. So it feels like a, like a Nessie, like a Nessie kind of thing. Yes it does. And the head was the shape of an eel. They also said that the tail looked like the back

of an airplane, which I did look up what an airplane looked like in the forties and fifties for you. Great idea. Because I was like, I don't, maybe I don't know what that looks like. in the 40s and 50s for you. Great idea. Because I was like, maybe I don't know what that looks like. I mean, it looks like a fucking. I think I know what you mean, like with the. It looks like an older version of a plane,

but it's pretty much the same. But it has like more of a rounded tip. You know how dull those are. Oh, I see, I see. So it looks like it's a, that would be the tail of. That's a scary plane. That plane looks like it's about to crash into the ground. It looks like it's a, that would be the tail of- That's a scary plane. That plane looks like it's about to crash into the ground. It looks like it's missing its nose.

Like it's missing- Yeah, it does. It does. I don't like to look at this anymore. Goodbye. Anyway, so- Now I'm scared of the dildo monster, apparently, by the way, is what I've learned about myself. Well, I already knew that. But so think about this,

between the neck and the head, it's eight feet long. That's much bigger than a fucking robot. So gigantic. And then if the tail looks like the back of an airplane, which in the fifties, I think I don't know how many people actually knew what airplanes looked like, because in my mind, not everybody had that frame of reference.

I imagine that you'd see it in a newspaper though. And like, oh, that's true. I mean, they had like images. Well, because this thing was always in the water, nobody was ever sure of what the full body of this thing looked like. They didn't know if under the surface, there were additional limbs or fins that they hadn't seen.

Horrifying. And so they never knew how this thing actually moved, which comes into play later. So, I mean, to this day, no one knows how an airplane moves, so I don't know if they'll ever figure it out, but... I certainly to this day don't know how a snake moves. I don't get it. And I don't really want to learn either.

And I don't want anyone to explain it to us either. Yeah, nobody tell me. I'm fine with. To be clear. It won't make me like them more. I'll tell you that. It actually, I'll hate them more. So, God, I feel so bad. I ran into someone who was a listener

and she was obviously a snake person. And she was like. She was obviously a snake person. Well, she was like, let me show you a picture of my snake. And I was like, have you not listened to the show? Like, this is not gonna work out. I love that people, but it's so funny. I do that too with podcasts where I'm like,

I just do selective hearing where I'm like, well, that's not like, I'm just gonna pretend you didn't see that. It's like, well, you haven't seen my snake. And I'm like, I promise you. I promise you. I promise you, I don't know the difference. It's so funny.

And it's like, of course- I love that they still listen though. They're like, I don't care. I'm still gonna show you a picture of it. I know that the snake person is married to a rat person and both of them think that I'd fucking love their snake and rat. I love a rat person.

I love a rat person. Ugh. So, okay. Yeah, so it at one point was the size of a robo, but as the story's going on, it's getting bigger, right? Like now it's like just at the shoulders of Big Feet Tall. Right now, it's neck is the size of a robot. Um, and the tail is the size of, or not the size, but it looks like the back of an airplane. Right. At this point now,

we've got this guy, Norman, who shows up and he sees it three different times. Um, he says the first time it was just swimming on the water surface and he saw it swimming around the second time he saw it swimming around and he like called his like employees over because he was like ice This is the thing I was fucking tell you about. Yeah. Yeah, someone come look at this with me Cuz I don't want to be called crazy in the break room again rude and Apparently it was swimming and then did the thing we're like, you know when fish like turn around and then they like go back under

The water there's like a little splash like a little plop. Yeah like a like a Beautiful hand. How do we go? under the water, there's like a little splash. Like a little plop, yeah. Like a boop, like a. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Beautiful. How do we do it, how? Boop, boop, boop, boop. I can't do it. You're doing it great, I'm impressed. Thank you. So anyway, I think that's what was supposed to be happening

with this thing, but because the fish was so big, it didn't just make a little bloop, it actually, apparently the water started bubbling foam and the logs that were in the water were tossed like matchsticks. So now this thing's like Godzilla sized, it sounds like. Jeez, what the fuck is it doing? And then the third time he saw it,

it swam up to the bank and then it immediately went underwater and swam away. So again, every single time someone's seeing this, it's just swimming. This is like the most fucking stoned out cryptid I've ever heard of. Like benign cryptid. Like he's not doing anything. I've ever heard of. Like, benign cryptid. Like, he's not doing anything, yeah.

And then they're like, well, it's the biggest. Like, okay, congratulations. But we get it. Your name's Dildo, everything, size matters, okay. Yeah. So, by the way, I just realized how loud I'm shouting Dildo while Alison's on a work call. Anyway.

Listen, that's her own problem. She saw the notes. She could have asked. She should have asked. She should have been like, I need to move a meeting now. Yeah. So around the same time, I'm going to quit. Around the same time, a group of multiple people saw this thing all at once. And then a cab driver also saw it as it was driving past the water as he was driving past the water. And by 1950, there were 15 people willing to literally sign affidavits with a magistrate that they saw this thing. 15 people, that's a lot.

And well, once it was that many people, I think the town up until this point was like trying to not make it a thing. I mean, they were like, oh, that guy's old. Oh, that guy's like just right. This guy. Oh, let's make fun of this guy in the break room. And now like when 15 people are like, I will literally go to the courthouse right fucking now and sign something. That was when people started waking up and they're like, oh shit, maybe we have a monster. And especially as the descriptions keep growing and this thing keeps getting bigger. And now this fish is over 50 feet long, according to the legends. 50 feet Jesus, okay, instead of like six feet, it's like grown like 10 times its size. Yeah. And some people don't know if like, oh, that's in the game of telephone, people are elaborating and it's getting crazier, or what if it is 50 feet long

and it's been growing all these years? That's what I'm saying. It's growing, it was a baby. Some people think it must just be getting bigger, which makes sense because during the first sightings of this monster The pond was like full of salmon and trout and by this time There's like no more salmon and trout Like it's and it's not because of overfishing No, apparently not. I mean, it's a fish in town. And so they were like, uh, okay

Maybe this thing ate all the fish and that's why it's growing fish in town. And so they were like, okay, maybe this thing ate all the fish and that's why it's growing so big. And that's when they started thinking, what happens if it runs out of food in the water? My thought would have been, oh, it dies because it can't eat anymore. But they thought obviously it's gonna grow legs, climb out of the water and eat the cattle and then us.

Or it's just like the next time someone's on a fishing boat, it's gonna be like, ooh, food. Yeah, like jaws, yeah. Snatch, snatch you. Especially because since nobody knew what the monster's full body looked like, they didn't know if it had legs, it might already be able to get out of the water. I was going to say it could just propel itself out. Maybe it has wings, who the fuck knows?

Yeah. So they were very afraid that the monster was either going to learn how to walk on land or already could and would come after the visitors to the pond. So officially in town as of 1950, children were not allowed to go outside at night unattended and they could never be near the water because as the article states, the townspeople feared that the monster was quote, ruminating on the digestibility of chubby little Newfoundlanders. Oh my God. So flowery. He's just looking at you from the water going,

that's a fat one. I'm gonna do it. You know? Finally, waiting all day. Now one theory is that it was a giant squid because in the 1930s, one time a giant squid washed up on shore. Here?

Like there I mean? In this area, yeah. And so they were like, oh well, since there's giant squid in the area, maybe this is squid related. 30 years later, another squid giant squid washed up on shore and that like almost like they doubled down then they're like, OK, maybe it's definitely a giant squid.

So but like one time in the 1930s, one time in the 1960s, and that was enough to like solidify a theory for some people. But how it got there is like such a mystery that mainly people think. Well, not mainly, but one of the major theories is that when it was a little tiny fish, it either came in through like a brook or an inlet from the sea or through a tunnel. And then it ate all their fucking salmon and trout and got too fat that it can't leave now.

So it's stuck in there. Oh no. But the other one that people really get a kick out of, if you recall the very first thing you said when I started telling you about this monster, they think that Nielsen is responsible because he was cross breeding fish eggs. Oh, right.

And he accidentally Dr. Frankensteined a monster. And that's why he fucking left town because he realized what he'd done. And he's like, ducks, you're on your own. I can't stop thinking about this. Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, I'm out of here. I'm gone. Wow.

And so he either- Duck, duck genetically modified dildo monster. Duck, duck dildo, yeah. Oh, that's good, duck, duck dildo. He either, so he either accidentally made this creature realize what he'd done and left town before it got too big. Or just in case he did create a monster from his cross breeding and he panicked about it,

he told locals that he saw something, even though he didn't, to preemptively warn them about what they would see one day in the water. That something is there. He's like, something's there. I'm telling you now. Duck, duck, dip. I didn't do it. So we don't know if that even has anything. It's just like a fun theory of like, oh, Dr. Frankenstein's scared of his own monster. Right, right, right. You know when you have to figure out a really tough conundrum like, oh, I really want to have fun and have some drinks, have a margarita tonight, but also I have to get up early and drive a certain grumpy toad to her music class? Yeah, we've all been there. Sounds personal. Yeah. No, it sounds actually really relatable to everyone. Okay.

I can't relate, but I mean, I can relate in different ways. Instead of cocktail or drive my grumpy toad to school, it's more like, hmm, should I stay up late and play Star Tenders or should I actually go to bed and maybe feel good about myself tomorrow? I don't have to choose anymore. I can have both, okay? It's a world where we can have both because Zbiotic's pre-alcohol has saved the day. Their probiotic was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking. Here's how it works.

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Most of the encounters seem to be in a town actually called Blaketon, which is south of dildo Blaketon Blaketon Blaketown but they have a population of 250 people which is not a lot and then all 15 people willing to sign affidavits were from that town and The I don't know if you were keeping track but the witnesses I told you about in this story, there were only in total 12 people. So the fact that there were 15 from one town willing to sign an affidavit means that there are more stories than we're even aware of

that have never been documented. And it sounds like a majority of them were from Blaketon. So this might actually be the Blaketon monster, but we don't know. But is the lake called Lake Dildo though? It's Dildo Pond. Or Dildo Pond. Okay, okay. So that's what I'm trying to find. But it's just on the southern tip of it, where on the other side is Dildo. Right, okay. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. But it's still technically the Dildo monster

because it's at Dildo Pond, but it wasn't in Dildo City or Dildo Town proper. Anyway, fun fact, if you're looking at a map, it happened closer to town Blaketon than Dildo city or Dildo town proper. Anyway, fun fact, if you're looking at a map, it happened closer to Blake town, Blaketon than Dildo. But anyway, that is the Dildo pond monster. That was an hour and a half. I'm so fucking sorry. But no, so you told me to banter. I don't know what to tell you. Wow. That was beautiful.

And I was actually like very enraptured by that story. It was it was a beautiful time for me. It was for me as well. Okay, good, good, good, good. Good. I'm going to tell you something horrible now. Sorry. Oh, wait, hang on.

Let's go back to Dildos. Can I tell you actually one fun thing real quick before we get into like the really sad stuff which is what I forgot to mention earlier and I'm so mad because I wanted to make sure I mentioned this when we talked about Halloween, but Blaze did the potato experiment, like the social experiment where you put a potato out. And have you seen this? No.

Oh, okay. So, okay. You put, you offer kids either a potato or a piece of candy. And this guy did some as a joke almost a few years ago, and it turned out like, I swear like nine out of 10 kids took the potato every time. And it's because they were like the weird kids and they're like, I want the freaky weird random thing.

It's like every kid picked it. It was like, oh, if you offer this choice, like kids will pick the potato. And so, Blaze like bought potatoes. I was like, oh, but you're trick or treating with Leon. I'm like, I don't wanna explain to people why there's potatoes in here. We gave out like, I mean, dozens of potatoes, we ran out of potatoes. Yeah, we ran out of

multiple bags. We ran out of potatoes before candy. It was honestly strange. I don't know how a kid thinks but I know if someone handed me candy or potato, I would also take the potato but I would do it because I'd be like, the candy one I was expecting, if you're giving me a potato, there must be a reason I'm unaware of. And so I would feel like-

Well, I think that's kind of it. Is that what it is? It's like, whoa, this is cool. Like- Well, no, I wouldn't do it because it was cool. I would be like, oh, I'm not looped in and you clearly know something I don't know. I don't think kids were thinking that intense about it,

but I would panic. I think the kids who thought that were like, I'm gonna take skills and walk away. Like we didn't say you have to pick one now. It was like, they're just in there. No, I think if someone handed me the more random one, I would just be like, I obviously know less than you. I'm just gonna follow your flow and grab the potato.

Well, we didn't hand them out. We just like put them, if people happen to see them in there, they could take them. But this one girl, we put like, the most effective was putting one potato in the middle of all the candy. And then this girl walked up and went, oh, a potato.

And she grabbed it. And all her friends were like, I wanted the potato. And she was like, finally, we found a house with a potato. And I was like, wow, okay. And they were teenage girls. And then they all started bickering.

And they were like, you always, you were just walking ahead of us. And so then the girl at the end was like, all right, fine. And they were teenage girls and then they all started bickering and they were like, you always, you were just walking ahead of us. And so then the girl at the end was like, all right, fine. And they walked away and I was like, come here. And I like handed her a potato. And she's like, haha, now I have my own potato. And I thought, please, let's onto something here. Is it like the, because we all have experienced this,

that like when you're a teenager, like everything's so random. Is it that way? That's what I meant more like that you're like teenager, like everything's so random. Is it that what it is? I think it's that. That's what I meant more like, that you're like unexpected. It's like unexpected. I think, and I don't think there's like much, it's just like, cool, that's different. I don't know.

I mean, I cannot tell you. There were parents being like, why? And I was like, I don't know, I didn't do this. I would not have put potatoes in here, but the kids seem to love it. You know what's interesting? Well, first of all, when I hear potato experiment, I'm apparently ancient and thought you meant

like making a potato o'clock. Oh yeah, I mean a battery. Yeah, I've done that for sure. What was I gonna say? Oh, Alison, I got like all the chocolate and all the things that I would think a kid really, really wants. And then Alison got a bag of fruit snacks.

And I was like, nobody's gonna pick the fruit snacks. Cause in my mind, I was like, I'm not gonna fucking pick fruit snacks if there's like a bunch of sugar in a bag for me. And then that was the one that got the most comments was the fruit snacks. And it was mainly like little kids who are clearly still being fed by their parents.

It's like, obviously the parents are giving them fruit snacks, but there were so many like three year olds who went, oh, Welch's fruit snacks. I love that. We were like, holy shit. OK, here have two. Next time buy the Spidey ones. That'll be those'll be a hit. Oh, I thought of Leona. There was a spider Gwen. So. Oh, that's cute. Leona was like to she was to the music class today. They were like, wear costumes. She's worn was like, to music class today, they were like, wear costumes.

She's worn that grumpy toad like four days in a row. So we just put her, we put her in the ghost spider outfit and they were like, we like your costume. She goes, it's not a costume. And I was like, okay, she's ghost spider. It's not a costume. Anytime I see anything spider, even Spider-Man, I'm just like, oh, there's Leona.

Like she loves it. She's totally messed with my head. Yeah, she really, mine, there's Leona. Like, she loves it. She's totally messed with my head. Yeah, she really, mine too, by the way. Man, that potato thing. Well, if Alison catches wind of that, we're gonna have a bag of potatoes outside. I tell you what, and Blaze was like, honestly, they're cheaper than candy.

And I was like, oh, well. Please don't say that. Alison, Alison, everyone else stop listening real quick. Alison, we're not, we're not doing this. I mean, we can do it, but we also have to get candy. Just start saying dildo again. That'll get her off of your goose. Dildo. Okay, not singing now. Wait,, we can do it, but we also have to get candy. Just start saying dildo again. That'll get her off. Dildo.

Okay, not singing now. Wait, what's the actual dildo song? Innocent children. Innocent children, they want potatoes. Okay, I am so sorry. I wanted to get that out of my system before I forgot because I know Blaze wants me to give the credit that yes, he was right.

I guess kids want potatoes. I don't know. So good job, Blaze. You knew what the kids would want. Anyway, I'm going to tell a terrible story now. Episode 405, we're covering the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. This is one of the first two crime stories

I ever like really got immersed in because when we started the podcast, or it's actually before we started the podcast, when I first started listening to podcasts, there was a podcast called In the Dark, and season one was all about Jacob Wetterling, and I remember being at my temp job and like just being like gripped by the story.

And so I'm finally covering it now, which is kind of full circle. For like the, you know, one every 20 times, I do recognize the name, but so I might know this story. I might know it, but I have no, I have no actually. Let's find out. We'll find out. So in January of 1989, 12 year old Jared Shirel,

I've been trying to say this name so many times, poor Emma is just like trying to root me on over there. Shirel, I think I'm saying that right. I hope survived an unimaginable ordeal when a stranger abducted him on his way home in Cold Spring, Minnesota. So Jared had been ice skating with friends when a man approached him in a vehicle

asking for directions. When Jared got close enough, the man forced Jared into his car, drove him to a remote location and raped him. Oh my God. He then said to Jared, run. Oh! If you look back, I'll shoot.

How old is he? 12. 12. Oh my God. Yeah. So Jared, of course, ran for his life. Detectives collected and examined his clothes for evidence and the community awaited answers, thinking like, well, this was so just out in the open and brutal. Like, I'm sure we'll find him, you know?

And their other thought was, we got to keep our kids safe if there's some lunatic running around. But time just passed and the man who kidnapped Jared was never identified and they tried to move on with their lives. So we fast forward to near the end of the year, October of 1989. This is the same year, but just a few months later. This is St. Joseph, Minnesota, and this is about 15 minutes away from Cold Spring where Jared had been abducted. So we fast forward 10 months. We're now about 15 miles away,

I think 15 minutes, 15 miles, I'm not sure, in St. Joseph, Minnesota. And we've got 11-year-old Jacob Wetterling. Now, he is living out a very just like standard, almost idyllic even childhood, just very happy, very low-key. Candy and potatoes. Candy and potatoes, just everything you need. And this town itself has fewer than 4,000 residents and is surrounded by farmland. So it's like kind of a rural and like wholesome town. It sounds a little bit like dildo.

It sure does. Where all the innocent children are, you know? Right, where all the innocent children are. And they're just playing outside. And I mean, it's the eighties, like kids are just riding their bikes around. It is a very family-friendly town. Jacob's parents, Patty and Jerry Wetterling,

purchased a home in the woods of St. Joseph where they were raising Jacob and his siblings. So Jacob was 11. He had one older sister named Amy, who was 13. He had a 10-year-old brother named Trevor and an eight-year-old sister named Carmen. So he's second in four kids. Jerry, his dad, was a familiar face in town because he was a chiropractor and he had a billboard with his face on it. So I imagine as a kid... I get it. Yeah, I know.

And I imagine as a kid, you'd be like, that's my dad. You know, like so excited. You know I love a billboard. The day that there's a billboard with my face on it, oh my God, game over. I gotta be honest. You're gonna drive your kids out of the way to school just to show them the billboard every single morning. I almost wanna call my hometown

because I know it would be cheaper than LA and be like, how much to slap my face on this puppy for like 30 days? What do you think? We'll figure out like where your high school bully lives and then like put it kind of right on their way to work. I would love that. I also like to be clear,

it wouldn't even be like to promote anything. It's just for the plot. Like it's just so I can say later. I also like to be clear, it wouldn't even be like to promote anything. It's just for the plot. Like it's just so I can say later. Certainly this is not marketing. This is a separate thing. This is a personal issue. If I, if there's ever a billboard needs something

in Fredericksburg, Virginia, I got an idea what we can do with it. You know what I'm saying? I think we've got someone on the horn that I can call named Em Schultz. You know, anytime there's a blank spot. Actually, I bet you Linda already has her finger in this. The plans, yeah.

Yeah, I feel like she's already got something percolating up there in her little brain. Percolating, great, great word, great word. Thank you. So anyway, his dad is the local chiropractor and because he has his face on this billboard, of course people know who he is, know who the family is. And Patty, meanwhile, worked as a stay at home mom. And because he has his face on this billboard, of course, people know who he is, know who the family is.

And Patty, meanwhile, worked as a stay-at-home mom. She would manage the family's hectic schedule, especially with four kids. And this was a very busy household. They all had different extracurriculars and sports and hobbies. Some of them even made home videos as like a hobby, which is basically what I was doing instead of sports.

Some were horseback riding. So it's kind of that classic situation of like shuttling the kids from one thing to the next and trying to balance everyone's schedules. So Patty and Jerry were always at rehearsals, performances, games. Like this was a nonstop schedule for the family. And they encouraged their family,

their children to try new things, pursue their passions, try making home videos, try horse riding. Jacob's best friend, Aaron Larson, said in an interview, they were kind of the family that was willing to try everything and anything. So the Wetterling children were very confident, very adventurous, and they were also very tight knit. They were really close and they were actually all friends,

which is kind of sweet. So Jacob didn't really mind when his parents asked him to babysit his two younger siblings on October 22nd, 1989. So Patty and Jerry were going to a dinner party about 20 minutes from their house and 13 year old Amy was going out with friends for the evening. So Jacob said, sure, I'll stay home

with younger siblings, Trevor and Carmen. And then his friend, Aaron, who I've just quoted earlier, came to hang out as well. Sure. This is where my heart starts to hurt quite a bit because it's so, I think you and I and a lot of our listeners can kind of relate to this next part being such an innocent part of childhood.

But just before it got dark, Jacob called, which is also very sweet, called the landline where his parents were eating dinner, you know, at the dinner party. Yes. And I was like, can I talk to my mom? Like, hi Mrs. So-and-so, can I talk to my mom? And when they got on the phone, he said, can we take our bikes to the movie rental store down the road?

I don't know if it was a blockbuster, Hollywood video, who knows, but basically said, can we ride our bikes to rent a movie? Please, please, please, please, please. And you know, this is about, and Carmen, the sister didn't want to go. It was just the boys that wanted to go. And so Erin said, can we, can we call the neighbor Rochelle, her name is Rochelle Curtis, can we call her to babysit Carmen at home? And then I'll go with my friend and my brother to the video store.

And this is where I just imagine this tour, the parents apart, because Patty said, sure, as long as you agree to wear a reflective vest, bring a flashlight, like even in the eighties, she was like, you have to be so careful, but it's a five minute bike ride. So even for the time she was being like extra cautious. And the fact that her fear was getting hit by a car and not like abduction, of course,

because why would you think that is your first fear in a small town? But the fact that she was prepping him for potential road accidents, not thinking like, oh, there's something much worse out there, you know? This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. We've had our website on Squarespace since the very beginning. It was one of Christine's first ingenious moments on the end. That's why we drank Timeline, which was, hey, I'm going to go on Squarespace.

I'm going to create this little website, just see how it goes. Bam, we had the website. It really felt like we were suddenly professionals. Like if once you have a website, you're like official, you know, and whether you're It really felt like we were suddenly professionals like if once you have a website You're like official, you know And whether you're just starting out like we were or managing a growing brand like we are now Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website engage with your audience and sell anything from Products to content to time all in one place all in your terms

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Me too. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash drink to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So the three of them set out for the store. It was Jacob and Trevor on their bikes and Erin was on a scooter and that kind of slowed them down a bit, but the boys on the bikes didn't mind.

I would be pissed if I wanted to just go ride my bikes. And then a scooter kid came with me I'm like, oh like we can't we just have to That's the best friend and he didn't bring his bike. So it's like well, he has to borrow something I know but that's when you offer like some rope and you're like you stay on the scooter I'm gonna actually bike and get us they didn't make the little brother give the bike to the to the friend actually That's a great point. Yeah, but like that goes to show apparently they were all just very sweet kids. I know. I'm such an asshole.

Like, I mean, if you can't keep up, you just can't come. I don't know what to tell you. Come in. You just like push him over. Oh, God, I'm scared of you. OK, so the three of them set out on the to the store. And remember, they're also like 10 and 11, like they're really little. And so they have their bikes. It's like, I mean, literally five minute ride on your bike. And so they get there. It's a cloudy night. There's no moon or stars. So it's pretty dark, but they have

this flashlight. And although it was Sunday, there was no school the next day. So they were really excited. They got to the video store. Remember those days where you're like, oh, you have a day off tomorrow. It's supposed to be a school day. And then your parents let you have a friend over and rent a movie. I mean, it's just all so familiar. Yeah. And so nostalgic.

I still chase that high. I'll never get it again. I know. I know. It feels like some pinnacle of youth, you know? So they get to the store. Important note, they rented a VHS copy of The Naked Gun. I don't know if you ever saw that film.

Very fun, very classic. They left with, they also got candy, of course. I'm sure they bought a lot of candy. And the neighbor, by the way, I love that this is like several days before Halloween. So it's like, they're like, we get candy now too. I don't know. We're stockpiling. We're prepping. Yeah. Because think of all the potatoes that are coming our way in a second. Oh my God, you're right. The starches are coming in. We got to get some sugar in us. So they got a bunch of candy. They got this

VHS copy of this movie and decided to head back home. So meanwhile, we cut back to the house and Rochelle, the neighbor who was babysitting was just kind of sitting with Carmen having like a fine time babysitting her. And suddenly Trevor and Erin, so Trevor is the little brother and Erin's the best friend, burst in the front door screaming that someone took Jacob.

Oh my God. And they said on the way home, I mean, they're frantic. They say on the way home, a man with a gun attacked them and took Jacob away. So Rochelle, who's also presumably a teenager, like a. Yeah, she's probably like, I mean, the John Mulaney bit of like, you're a horse, like taking care of another horse. Like, right. Exactly. Like you're a child watching children.

This doesn't seem right. It's like certainly this poor girl has her own trauma now having to handle this and she's like, what, 12 or something? What, is she going to be prepared for this? I don't think so. Yeah, so basically they barge in. She's like, listen, I'm going to call my dad. And thankfully he was home next door. So she calls her dad. He rushes over. He calls 911 on the call. Apparently he stayed extremely calm and that was able to help Aaron and Trevor like answer questions because they were so frantic that the dad, which I just find that to be a nice little side note that the dad was like, let's just all keep it down here and we'll get the details out. And so they,

they tell the details to dispatch and you at first, responding officers were like, well, what? Usually we get calls about a raccoon breaking into someone's yard. This is somehow not our forte. Yeah, this feels, but they also didn't really believe it at first. They were like, oh, this must be a misunderstanding that happened. Because why would there be an abduction in this small town? Right, and also it's the week before Halloween., maybe it's like a Mischief Night thing, where they're like prank calling or something.

Yeah, and they're like preteen boys, like who knows, maybe one of them pranked the other one, who knows, exactly. So the responding officers were like, well, I don't know if this is a genuine child abduction in St. Joseph, but they responded quickly, and meanwhile, Patty and Jerry of course rushed home from the dinner party, unsure of what was going to wait, be waiting for them at the house, which is just another, quickly. And meanwhile, Patty and Jerry, of course, rushed home from the dinner party, unsure of what was going to wait, be waiting for them at the house, which is just another 20 minute nightmare of a car ride. And it just was hard for anyone to really grasp that someone took Jacob. Like it just, I assume it's one of those sentences, like that doesn't really hit.

And also like why him? Like what? Took him where? Like, yeah, exactly. Who, you know, it just must be so perplexing. So they get back and Trevor describes the scene to the police. This is the younger brother. The boys were just three minutes away from home. And as they passed a long gravel driveway on the left,

which led to a neighbor's farm, a man in a mask left out in front of them. He said he had a gun and he ordered all three boys to put their bikes and scooter in a ditch and lie face down on the ground. Oh my God. And Aaron, the friend, like laughed almost startled because he thought this was a joke.

I would think it was like a prank or something. Yeah, he thought it was a prank. Especially so close to Halloween. And also like- Yeah, close to Halloween and close to home. And also maybe like that's like just like his fighter flight is just like, oh, ha ha ha. Like being in denial that that could really even

fucking happen. Oh, fawning like, very funny. And so he laughs and he thinks this is a joke, but the man pulls out a gun and proves he's completely serious. So the boys obey his command. They get down on the ground. He asks how old they are, and Aaron and Jacob say 11, Trevor says 10.

So he tells Aaron and Trevor to get up and run. Which like, then you're like, so did the age have anything to do with it? Because if he said 11 and now you want the 11-year-old, why'd you let the other 11-year-old go? Like, or did he just want one of the older ones or something? I think he just wanted to know how old they were and then like took his pick or, you know, just. So disgusting.

Yeah, it's absolutely horrific. So he told Aaron and Trevor to get up and run. And they began running, of course, as fast as they could. He told them, guess what? If you turn around, I'll shoot you. So they take off. And the last thing they witnessed was the man grabbing Jacob. Oh, my God. So the sheriff is confident that they can quickly figure this out.

They were thinking maybe he got tied to a tree somewhere. I mean, when this happened, like 10 months earlier, they hadn't connected the cases. But even in that first case, he let his victim go. You know, remember that Jared got to run away. So they're thinking, well, maybe he's somewhere in the woods. Their interstate is nearby. Let's go do a search of the town.

So they go do a search, but they're thinking in the back of their minds, with the interstate right there, if he could have gotten into his car, yeah, he could have gotten anywhere. So they focus on the local area, firefighters and dozens of officers search the area until 3 a.m. The searches called off and it resumes at sunrise, but days go by with no sign of Jacob. And at that point, the FBI become involved and the governor of Minnesota orders a massive search. He also deployed the National Guard, which searched 30 miles of ground on foot. And they also scoured the woods and farmland of St. Joseph on horseback and in helicopters. Even private pilots volunteered time in their planes and volunteers put up thousands of posters requesting information on

his whereabouts along with white ribbons that said, Jacob's Hope. And Patty and Jerry did as many as eight interviews a day, because they were just trying to keep his story, you know, on the news and relevant and on people's minds. And meanwhile, the Minnesota Vikings football team acknowledged Jacob at a game with posters and announcements, praying for his safe return and trying to get the word out. So they were really doing everything they could to figure this out.

Wow. Soon, Jacob Wetterling became a household name throughout the country. That might even be why you recognize it. Like if people had just discussed it over the years. It was only a few years before we got here, so I'm sure my mother was always getting her mind. I'm sure your mother was familiar with the case.

So he became kind of a household name throughout the country. Nobody knew, it was like he had just been taken and vanished off the face of the earth. And there were no clear answers. So of course everybody started kind of playing who done it and pointing to different people of interest. So Jerry himself, the dad, had to stop speaking

during interviews because the public was like, he doesn't seem sad enough, you know, they're like watching it. Oh, fuck me with that. What are you talking about? I know. And they're like watching it and saying, and so he starts getting harassed by people saying like, oh yeah, like maybe you, you took your own son and killed him, you know? And so he had to like just bow out of the interviews the interviews, but people approved of the way Patty sometimes cried during the interviews. So they found her more sympathetic. I know. Thank you so much.

That's really thoughtful of you. So meanwhile, detectives revisited the scene of the crime where the kid said that this man jumped out and grabbed Jacob. And the farm at the end of the driveway where Jacob was kidnapped actually belonged to this guy named Dan Rassier. Now, Dan was an elementary school band instructor, and he lived on this family farm with his parents. And he was home that night, but he said he was home alone when his dog alerted him to a blue vehicle, which had rushed into

his driveway, spun around and left. And Dan just kind of glanced out and thought, okay, I guess they were taking a wrong turn and had to turn around. But he woke up later that night when his dog alerted him again, this time because police were searching the property for Jacob in the hours after the abduction. So Dan, of course, told investigators about the blue vehicle and he said he wished he had had more, but he just assumed the guy was turning around. So he didn't look very closely. And what he didn't realize at this point is that he was actually a person of interest in the case and that he would remain a person of interest for many, many years.

Like it would honestly kind of ruin his life. So more than 10 years went by with no new leads to Jacob. And meanwhile, Dan is still on the hook and investigators call him in for questioning again. And one of them later admits in an interview that they were maybe more aggressive than usual trying to intimidate Dan into a confession. And by the way, like we absolutely know he had nothing to do with it. So it's just hindsight is 20, 20. But they said they needed the confession because they had no evidence, and it's like, well, forcing it out of somebody who didn't do it,

you know, whatever. So they repeatedly tell Dan that they knew he abducted and murdered Jacob, but poor Dan, the band teacher, is like, I swear to God, I had nothing to do with it. I'm literally a band teacher, like, please just. I'm literally like, let me go back to work. So detectives convinced Patty there is compelling reason to believe Dan, the band teacher, took Jacob.

So Patty said, fine, I'll agree to whatever you think I should do. So they basically wired her up, put a mic on her, and staged an accidental encounter between her and Dan in a public place. Oh, OK. Yes, they basically put her on the spot and say, hey, go talk to him, get as much information as you can.

And she's just desperate to find her son. So she's like, okay, fine. Did it accidentally frame him or something? No, not even M. So yeah, so basically she runs into him by accident and she says, hey, can I just ask you some questions about whatever you saw that night? And he's, you know, he's very sensitive about this.

He says, sure, I'll sit down with you. He sits with her for 45 minutes. He answers every single question she has. He tells her, I only feel that if I would have been more alert, maybe I could have stopped it. I could have saved him. Like he's just beating himself up for not having this information.

To the point that when Patty left the conversation, she said, that man's innocent. He did not do this. Or he's such a sociopathic liar that like, had me fooled. Has me fooled. But she said, I do not think this is your guy. It wasn't until 21 years later when he's, yes,

still a person of interest, that they finally got a search warrant for his farm. And in 2010, the investigative team used backhoes to break ground on the property where they found nothing. But instead of exonerating him, now the public was just aware that Dan was a person of interest and they were digging up his farm. And many people just started to spread this rumor that he kidnapped and probably murdered Jacob Wetterling. And by the way, they just tore up his farm and then left. Of course.

And then if you think about it, like he's a band teacher of kids and all these people are whispering in town that he murdered this child. Oh, it's ruined, it's over. Right? It's like, it's the worst possible thing to have happened, you know, when you're trying to teach kids and all of a sudden they're like, oh, are you a murderer? When you work with kids, like, sayonara career.

Yeah, yeah. Terrible. So he tried to salvage his life and reputation, but like it just, he was in a bad, a bad, bad space for a while there. So for years, meanwhile, Patty wrote letters to Jacob, just in some hope that maybe he would come back. And when he did come back, she would have like years of letters of just what had been going on with the family, updating him on everything they were doing

to try and find him. She just wanted him to know if he ever came back, that they did everything they could, and even though it took so long to find him. Patty and Jerry also dedicated themselves to activism and advocacy work. They wanted, obviously, to prevent this from happening to other families

and support families in similar circumstances, so they founded Jacob Wetterling Resource Center, which is a zero-abuse project program that works to prevent crimes against children while connecting families of the missing and exploited to important resources. Wow. So over the years, it just kind of seemed to be like just a cold dead case. It looked very hopeless, but thankfully, because of advancements in technology in 2012, DNA

analysis was actually able to identify unknown DNA on the clothes of Jared Shirel, who I mentioned earlier, who had been kidnapped in 1989 and had been raped and then let go to run back. That was in Cold Spring, Minnesota. Of course, I remember I had mentioned Jared's case in relation to Jacob's case. Years earlier, investigators had made the connection between these two cases, you know, the age of the boys, the proximity.

And so Jared, now being much older, obviously, pushed them to reopen the investigation and pursue new leads. We have very much like advocated for himself, which is awesome. That's awesome. In 2014, investigators opened a cold case review and carefully revisited every detail

of Jacob's and Jared's abductions and hoped they could find some sort of information that would maybe break either or both of the cases. So pretty soon they honed in on a suspect named Daniel Heinrich, whose name appeared in connection to other cases nearby. So that involved children, by the way. He was suspected in the January, 1989 kidnapping

and rape of 12 year old Jared, as well as multiple assaults on boys in another nearby town called Painesville. For years, reports were filed with police about a man who pushed boys off of their bikes and physically and sexually assaulted them, just as they were driving around. And in an interview, men who grew up in the area

recalled that it became common knowledge to them that pre-teen boys needed to be super careful and couldn't just be out there by themselves without a support group or without people looking out for each other. Like he was so creepy and dangerous in public that everyone just like knew him by name of like, don't go near this guy.

No, they didn't know who it was. Oh, right, they just were like, oh, there's someone out there. They just said, there's a predator out here, exactly. And he was preying on basically preteen boys. How did that not come up during Jared's thing? Is it because it was a different location? No, so it did. This is in the year's following. So after Jared's abduction and rape, over the

years there had been several reports of some guy running around like assaulting kids. And so- I thought it was before him, sorry. I was like, why no one ever mentioned that before? Well, it might have been before him, but they don't know who he is. So it's like, they tried everything they could to find out who this predator was, but they just didn't. Yeah, the best they could do is just say, there's a creepy guy, look out. There's this predator guy, yeah.

So Jared's attacker, the man who assaulted the boys in Paynesville and Jacob's kidnapper, all had one thing in common. So this is where they're kind of putting the pieces together. And that is that witnesses and survivors described him as having an unusually gruff, gravelly voice. And so they were like, this has got to be the same guy. But for decades, investigators had no evidence linking this Daniel creep to any of the cases, even though like he was also known to be this creep, they don't have any proof. And tire tracks and shoe prints at the scene

of Jacob's abduction did match shoes and tires belonging to Daniel. And fibers from a car set collected from Jared's jacket matched the interior of Daniel's car, so we're getting closer and closer. Yeah, I hope the cops are at least thinking, okay, we're onto something versus like, oh, that's weird, oh, that's weird. Like, I want to know when it started layering. They definitely know. And the car was

also blue, which matched the one Dan saw in his driveway right before Jacob vanished. But without any unique markings, like saying like a blue car, it's not going to get you anywhere in court, you know? And there were no like, there wasn't even something where they could say, oh, he said there was a bumper sticker or a dent on the car that matched. Like it was just the fact that it was blue. And all they could say really was that the suspect's car, so they had their eyes on this guy, but all they could say is that the car and shoes might be the same type of car and shoes, but that's about it.

It was also not evidence that Daniel's car or shoes were at any of the scenes of the crimes. Like they couldn't even prove, because they hadn't found any evidence of Daniel actually being there, they couldn't prove. Like, well, what if someone used his car? What if someone wore his shoes? So they were just kind of in a rough spot.

But the real breakthrough that occurred was one single hair that thank God they had preserved, not knowing about the future of DNA evidence, right? Isn't that fucking crazy? Isn't that crazy? I mean, I guess in 89, you may have known that it was- Something's on the horizon. Yes, exactly, like an up and coming thing.

I'm just really thankful they were thorough enough to save one hair, you know? What do you think is like the next thing that like... I think about it all the time. We're just all abandoning at crime scenes when we should be getting a big fucking scoop of it. Like what if it's just like the air? You know?

Well, so that's what I get. That's my guess is that we leave some sort of trace that we just can't... Like energy trace. Yeah. I really do think that there's something to that. Like when you walk into a room and people have just been arguing and you're like, whoa, it's tense in here. Like the air feels weird.

I just feel like there's gotta be something like that. I mean, I don't know, maybe I'm just. I feel like if I were a cop, I would, and like you're a detective or whatever, I would absolutely be known as like the fucking nutty one who's like grabbing way too many things from the crime scene. And I'm like, you just never know, you know? Yeah, this is like some character on Bones or something

where you're like, no, trust me. What was the guy? Who was the one with OCD? Monk? Monk. Adrian Monk, my favorite show of all time. I feel like it would be something from Monk of like, oh, this is the way that your cahoots show themselves. Your cahoots? Yeah, you know? Your cahoots?

Yeah, just collecting a bunch of weird stuff out of crime scene. Oh, what's a cahoot? Like being in cahoots with something like a... Oh, oh, this is how I'm going to know you're in cahoots. I got you. I thought you meant those were your cahoots. Hmm.

You mean that with, yeah, okay, I get it now. I get it now. I'm gonna pitch this to ABC. It sounds like it could be a good series. So anyway, this is the hair. They found this one single hair, decades old, still gathering dust somewhere, and they're able to run DNA analysis on it.

And guess what? It belongs to fucking Daniel Heinrich. It also matches the DNA collected from Jared's snowsuit, which would have been after the rape. Empowered by this new evidence that Daniel had contact with Jacob and Jared on the day of both abductions, detectives obtained a search warrant for Daniel's house, finally, in Annandale, Minnesota. Of course, Daniel insisted that he never touched anyone, but he did say, hey, when you search my house,

you're going to find some quote, damning stuff. So... I mean, to be fair, if anyone looked at our stuff, they would also see that. They'd say something, maybe not damning, but definitely concerning. I'd say there will be things that... the prosecutor might use.

Yeah, there could be some evidence of character flaws, maybe. Certainly, they will try to defame me and they will have every right to do that. They will do it correctly and it will not be slander because it will be true. But also there are wooden dildos galore and I would advise you not to touch them. They might give you a splinter. Just saying. We do have a lot of dildo gifts that people have given us. Wooden dildos, glass dildos.

I did think about whipping out one of our wooden dildos for today's episode, but... I almost thought about going downstairs and getting the glass one, but it's not gonna happen. Um, anyway, so they... As much as we might say, hey, don't look through our stuff. He had real reason to actually worry. When the police looked at his stuff, they discovered a plethora of child sexual abuse material, children's clothing that he had collected. They found VHS tapes featuring hours of children playing at playgrounds and just like running

around town that he would film himself. And with too little evidence to charge Daniel with Jacob's actual abduction, because they didn't even know where Jacob was, the investigators offered a plea deal instead, which became very controversial. They basically told Daniel, if you could tell us what happened to Jacob and provide evidence that it's true, you can plead guilty to one child sexual abuse material charge in federal court, and that would be a maximum 20 year sentence. And so it was kind of like, we're trading kind of some justice for information

on what happened to Jacob. So it's kind of controversial, but I don't know that there was ever a right answer. It was the way, the only way that investigators believed they could ever actually figure out what had happened to Jacob. So Daniel accepted the deal and led investigators to a wooded lot at a farm where they dug up

and discovered Jacob's remains. Daniel told investigators that he had dragged Jacob to his car by gunpoint, where he handcuffed him. And Jacob asked, what did I do wrong? Oh my God, just heartbreaking. It just hurts so much. It hurts. Daniel drove Jacob to a rural location just as he had done to Jared and he then raped him.

He was more nervous than usual and he saw red lights on the road that he thought might be police lights. So he panicked and he shot Jacob twice. Yeah. Daniel went home for a while, then he returned to bury Jacob and a year later he just left him there. Yep.

That's insane. I mean, I mean all those obviously but like you would think if you're that panicked you would go you hide the evidence immediately, not like go home and take a fucking nap. Well I think he wanted to get out of the, he was like, oh, I've done something. I fucked up. I'm going to peace out for a bit, figure out what to do. I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what this fucking lunatics thought process is, but either way he probably had to, he probably didn't plan to kill him and had to go get a fucking shovel. You know, I don't know. But either way, he returned to bury Jacob. And a year later, when he yuck revisited the burial site, he noticed that Jacob's red jacket was poking out of the soil. So he relocated Jacob to a different burial site in the woods. And he remained there for over 20 years, just undetected. And the parents just got no closure, the siblings got no closure, his friends got no closure. For decades.

That babysitter got no closure. And then think about Jared, who got away. And it's like, how come I, I'm sure that's a whole conundrum of like, how come I survived and he didn't? It's like to feel for that kid, but also be like, shit, that could have happened to me. Could have happened to me, yeah. So when Jerry and Patty, speaking of the parents,

received the news that Jacob's remains had been found, Patty said that through the pain, she felt a sort of peace, like you mentioned, kind of a closure, knowing that at least Jacob was at rest and they had kind of solved the mystery. Jerry said the experience was beyond words and it was, this makes me cry a little bit,

that it was calling their other children, his siblings on the phone. That was the hardest part to tell them that their brother was dead after all this time. So Daniel firmly denied being involved in any of the harassment and assault reports that had been going around by a lot of children. He did, however, confess to kidnapping and raping Jared

in January of 1989. I think that was a given, because his DNA was on the snow suit that he was wearing. But whatever. He was only like fessing up because he got busted, not because he like... Exactly, exactly. Had decided like, oh, how about I throw you a bone and...

Oh, and guess why else he was only confessing? Because the statute of limitations was up, so he couldn't even get in trouble for it. So he's like, whatever, I guess I'll confess to that too. Okay, now again, thinking about the trauma of Jared, of like, oh great, so now he just doesn't have to do anything about it. No, 100%. We're actually getting into Jared now because it's funny you mentioned that, because he... If not funny, but it's like, it's very relevant that you mentioned that because basically my next bullet

here is for years Jared had endured, like we said, trauma, nightmares, and he often felt as though the authorities weren't really taking his case seriously. For good reason. When he was a child, for, for, oh, that he felt that way for good reason. Yeah. Yeah. When he was a child, for example, officers interviewed him without his parents,

which should not have happened, especially after he was raped. And they made him feel as though they didn't believe him. They were almost quizzing him on the details, that kind of thing. So Jared actually dedicated countless hours to advocating for himself, other survivors, and that of course played a major role

in reopening Jacob's case in 2014, which is great. So he was able to like push for that to finally be solved on behalf of Jacob. So at a press conference, Patty, who had become very close with Jared, which makes me really happy, cause he's the same age as her son would be, and he suffered through the same ordeal. So it's kind of, at least they have each other in some way.

They've gotten very close. And at a press conference, she thanked Jared and said, Jared had the courage to stand up and say, this happened to me. So in 2018, Jared actually won a lawsuit against Daniel. The court awarded Jared $17 million, but of course Daniel Heinrich cannot pay that because he doesn't have $17 million. So it was more of a symbolic thing. The lawsuit was more about giving Jared his chance to actually get up in court and have the legal

system acknowledge that that was his victimizer, that he was a victim and that Daniel should be behind bars. And so, you know what? Good for him. He went through all that. I imagine that was a lot of reopening wounds. And also at that point, the statute of limitations is up and everything. So it's like, take the closure where you can get it. Yes. Like what else? Like, this this is the last, the only option, like absolutely, you know? And so he was able to face them in court

and the justice system was able to say, yep, what happened to you matters. You are owed $17 million, not that that would ever, you know, pay off any trauma, but like at least we recognize that you were wronged and deserve justice. So it was, you know was symbolic closure in that way. Meanwhile, poor Dan, by the way,

interestingly that Daniel ended up being the actual perp, but then Dan was the guy that they were harassing for years. So Dan, the band teacher, sought damages from the state for defamation, but he lost that lawsuit, unfortunately, even though he had proven that he endured six years of public shame from the time investigators named him a person of interest in 2010 to Daniel's confession. All those six years he was going through people saying, oh, you're a murderer, you're a rapist, you're not safe to be around.

RISA GOLUBOFF And also to be innocent in that situation and to have like people like probably like trying to get into your house or say like, I can't believe your hurt kids are not feeling safe to go grocery shopping. Talk about egging your fucking car. Imagine like- I know, fuck me. That's the house you'd egg.

I mean, I- Not you, I mean. And then part of you is like, I just want to leave, but I don't know if he was even allowed to leave town. So he just had to sit and endure that. And he's living on his family's property. So it's like, oh, right. And if you're, yeah, maybe he was advised

not to leave town. That's a good point. Yeah, who knows? Yeah, so that was kind of sad and he didn't, the appeal, his lawsuit was dismissed. The appeal was denied. So that's kind of a bummer. I hope he was able to find some sort of,

you know, peace and to what, the peace he deserves. So meanwhile, Jacob's legacy lives on in the advocacy work that's been done in his name and in the memory of him as a force for good. After Jacob's killer confessed to the crime, Patty spoke publicly once again. She said, Jacob has taught us all how to live, how to love, how to be fair, how to be kind. He speaks to the world that he knew that we believe is a world worth fighting for. Jacob, I'm so sorry." And that was her statement.

And his mom actually did an interview at one point as well and remembered that the day before he was kidnapped, he was in a bad mood, like a grumpy toad mood. And at the end of the day, he went up to his mom and apologized for being cranky and asked if she wanted to play a game with him. Oh my God. Just out of the blue at age 11. That has to, I mean, just twist the knife.

Yeah, I know. I know. And his best friend, Aaron, who was there when the attack happened, said that Jacob was the first to befriend him in second grade when he was a new student. And he, you know, takes lessons from Jacob now as he raises his own children and kind of wants the, as he calls it, the goodness of Jacob to just be around him and his kids and his family. And he said, hope doesn't stop, which is really lovely. I also, I can't imagine being a parent of a kid that that happened, or a parent after being the friend

of the kid that that happened to. And it's like, well, now you gotta trust that my kids are safe outside. Seeing them at age 11 and being like, that was my age when that happened. It's gotta be terrible. So, you know, Patty and Jerry worked hard to make sure their kids felt confident and safe again.

They wanted them to like still be able to adventure and enjoy the world without living in fear. In an interview, for example, Patty said, I'm a believer in children. I didn't want our kids to live fearful and afraid of the world. So that is the story of the kidnapping of Jacob Wetterling. It's a toughie. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that. It's a... It's a toughie. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that. I've it's a it's a. It's a toughie.

Well, I don't I maybe I was mixing it up with a different story that I heard. It was the one where like the it was a little kid and two older kids kind of like dragged into a train station or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what I thought. Jacob Berling was I've not been able to. Cover that one yet. I've not had the-

That one I don't know the name of, so. I don't off the top of my head either, but I know which one you mean. Wow. Well, happy Halloween. My voice is like fried after. Yeah, very scary. After Halloween last night and everything, I'm like,

whoo, fried from- Also all the vaping you just did that- Yeah, all the vaping. To get through the dildo story. That one thing where I did half of it because you said principal and I went, wait, I remember now the principal kid. I didn't even get to enjoy it. I have to I sorry I keep looking down there's like there's some weird residue on this table

and like my my sensory I'm like just I can't stop fucking with it but I feel like if I get a wet wipe. Yeah, if I touch it anymore I feel like I'm like just I can't stop fucking with it, but I feel like if I touch it anymore I feel like I'm gonna damage the table. Man, okay. Well now when do we record and you get to bum me out all over again? Is that next week? I think so. I think well, I don't know. We're about to be in Texas together, you and me. I know we're going to Texas. I'm very excited. We always have a great time in Texas. We're gonna be in Austin and Dallas.

The shows are sold out. Well, they'll be over, I guess, by the time this comes out. But yeah, I'm excited. It'll be fun. And I'm excited to see you, Em. I know. It's gonna be like- Now, this is the official one after the election,

by the way, sorry, just to say real quick, because we kept calling that last one the post-election. This is the post-election one, so we'll see. Well, so if things turn ugly for us, it'll justify me sounding grumpy when we first started this episode. Well, you can find both of us in dildo, probably. We're out of here.

Yeah, actually. If things go wrong, I'm moving to dildo. Hey, you know, dumbest thing I ever did was buy a house right before an election, because I'm like, well, maybe what if I wanted to be one of those people who just up and leaves? I can't smooth move. Whoops. Oh, man. Well, yeah, I'll see you in Texas. Everyone else, I guess, we'll see you next week. Or at the yappy hour. We're doing one final yappy hour today, unless everyone's like, we love yappy hours. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like you do. But we're going to do one more. So come join us for the yappy like you do, but we're going to do one more.

So come join us for the yappy hour finale. And then we're going to start doing, um, hopefully start doing, this is the plan anyway, monthly live streams, um, for patrons. So yeah, go to patreon.com. Um, and again, if you sign up through the app store, it will charge you a surcharge through Apple. So I would recommend, um, if you're on Android, that's you're fine, but I would recommend going to the browser. And?

That's why we... Drrr, drrr, drrrrink, drrrrink. I think something's wrong with your car. There's egg in it.