And That's Why We Drink - E47 A Boozy, Goat-Horned Menace and an Unwashed Cup

Episode Date: December 24, 2017

Put on your “Satan regalia” and get ready to swipe right on the boozy menace more affectionately known as Krampus, German’s famous Anti-Santa. Kids these days don’t know how good they have it with their damn Elf on the Shelf! Meanwhile, Christine missed the Christmas memo and went with a story about Tamara Sansanova, AKA the Granny Ripper, instead. Sansanova casually made some tea and killed 14 people. But at least she’s still playing peek-a-boo in jail. If there’s anything that you take away from this episode, we hope it’s that 1) everything was a sex demon in the 1960s, and 2) your organs are garbage.

welcome to episode 47 yep if you add four and seven it equals 11 which is half of 22 and which is our upcoming listener episode should i ask how you are yeah Yeah. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? Oh. Fine. I guess fine. Just trying to be polite, you know? Happy Merry Christmas Eve. Oh my gosh. Merry Christmas.

A lot of Jews are eating Chinese today. Yeah. Which is something that I will probably also be doing. My family's German, so we celebrate Christmas on the 24th. Okay. And then my stepmom's American, so we celebrate Christmas on the 24th. But then my stepmom's American, so we celebrate Christmas on the 25th. So we do both back to back. That's nice. It's like nice, but like not.

But it's fine. I got you. I feel the same way. We get each other. Yeah. Well. Guys, we got some really nice things. Lisa G. in Norway, our friend, sent us some chocolates.

And sent Gio some doggy treats. And it was so kind of her. So thank you. We got some cards and some mail. We got these little baby mini plungers. It's my favorite. I can't stop playing with it. But they're little plungers like our plunger fort.

They're so freaking cute. They're like phone stands. But they're also just cute little plungers. And they were sent by, I'm going to read her Twitter name, at Skilla with three A's, S-K-I-L-L-A-A-A, and then two underscores. Nice. Okay, thanks, Skilla. She sent these, and I only know, there wasn't a name on the package,

but she tweeted at us about it. Nice. Thank you. They're really fun. We've been playing with them're really fun we've been playing with them the entire time we've been recording so thanks thanks thanks um i also want to add that if you are a patron as of today or as of let's see what's today december 20th okay you a couple days ago yeah so a couple days ago you'll be getting something in the mail

if you haven't already we're sending you a little something but if you haven't if you're not signed up and you want to sign up now don't worry we have more little surprises planned for you um now that we have all your addresses sorted out i kind of spent all day like organizing everyone's address mailing address while i was at work yep um so don't worry don't fret we're gonna be like doing more fun little surprises for you guys from now on um also you can go see our friends miss unwrapping video on patreon if you're a ten dollar plus donator donor cool you can see what we got each other for christmas which was awesome and what m got geo for christmas which was awesome and horrifying and m saw the gift that a lot of you helped make which was the book it was amazing it's the book with all the geo geo and m illustrations y'all are so sneaky i didn't

even know that that was happening at all i kicked you out of the group i took a page out of your book and kicked you out of social did you block me on everything didn't even know just facebook didn't even know but it but i i know you wouldn't notice even if i didn't i don't i'm not an avid facebooker but the point is don't be a grinch oh and don't be a scrooge oh okay yes that's the point and go watch our video of us unwrapping each other's presents and also do that that was a good time it was a great time and um why do you drink this week am i drinking for currently or what i'm predicting i'll be drinking for on the 24th i mean i feel like it's up to you currently i'm drinking because i have a lot of stuff i need to do before i get home like i like have to clean the house and clean the car and do laundry and pack oh yeah ditto um but and if it's the 24th i'm imagining i am stressed about

some last minute thing that i have forgotten to do that i'm now panicking and trying to figure out how to do from across the country so something like that fab scandal why are you drinking um because i decided to join weight watchers again and so i like a lot myself i haven't had wine in like three days so i know there's if you listen everywhere in the world is a little more silent right now we're all we're all in shock it was really shocking Christine today, I got here and she was acting normal. And I was like, what's wrong? Are you okay? And she was like, I am also usually when we record, we order food or get like pizza delivered

or something. And she was like, well, I'm not eating. I'm drinking wine for dinner. And I was like, no, I said, and then, yeah, she was like, I had some eggs today. So I've got enough points to drink some wine. I was like, that's not how Weight Watchers is supposed to be done. And then I had some chicken breast and some eggs and some veggies. Yeah, she caved.

She didn't really cave. It's so loud. No, those are all zero points. Listen, I got this covered. My point is I wanted to have a glass of wine while we record, so I budgeted it out. That's fine. But I drink because of it because I miss it. But it's good for me because i shouldn't be drinking every night anyway so here's the thing m okay i gotta talk to you

i misunderstood what you said we've discussed this we have and it's my fault because i wasn't clear enough but also let's let everyone else know christina and i when it comes to speaking to each other like verbally um we're always like i don't even have to talk to you most of the time because we just so telepathically get each other same brain but when it comes to like talking to each other over the phone i don't understand like texting yeah they're texting yeah we like don't get each other's texts like we don't understand what we're saying. For some reason, that's our kryptonite. There's like a complete lack of understanding the other person's tone.

We're so solid all the time. Which is so weird because I don't really have that with many people where I just don't know what the fuck you're talking about. We had to have some sort of some issue. Like we're too in sync always. That's true. There had to be a falling point that's our kryptonite like you said and um so m texted me earlier this week and i was like oh so for the next episode which by the way we're recording three today don't even get me started

but so i was like for the next episode let's have christmas stories ready and i was like oh like my own stories and i was like no and i was like oh sorry like listener stories yeah i'll get those ready and what i heard was hey let's do christmas stories and when you said your own personal stories i thought it meant like you were gonna have like some little anecdote before well i do i did that's what i meant oh okay and then you were like no no like and then i meant like our stories that we're covering and then you were like someone else's stories and I was like, oh, like listener stories. Like I didn't understand. So I thought I meant like collect

some listener stories for the listeners episode which comes out January 1st. So that's what I attempted to do. And then I found out way too late. That's not quite... It's fine. It's you... A for effort. That's all that matters. Thanks. People are going to want to listen to us anyway, I think.

Maybe not. Well, I want to tell you something. What? I do have some personal true crime Christmas stories. All right. We'll do it. Let's go. Do you mind hearing them?

Yeah. Okay. I called my mom on the way home to make sure I had all the facts right. Perfect. Because you know they involve Renata. Here's the first one. Which, like, she gave me details that I didn't even remember. There's two.

Christmas stories. Both's two Christmas stories. Both occurred on Christmas Eve. The same Christmas Eve or different Christmas Eve? Different Christmas Eve. Okay. So in 1994, I think, my mom was dropping a bunch of toys and clothes and things off at the free store, like the Goodwill or whatever at in our town in cincinnati and she drove downtown and she had this minivan and she had me and my brother in the

back seat in her car seats and she pulls up and they had this service where you pull up and the employees come in like remove like take out the boxes and stuff and you can drive on so you don't need to like get out of the truck in the middle of winter so she pulls up and she's like waiting for an employee to come out and this group of men comes and opens the passenger or the both the sides of the doors and one holds a gun to her hip and then the other one climbs in the passenger seat and they basically say give me your money. And the thing was, my mom was running this restaurant, Cafe Vienna at the time, and it was a Monday. And so she had all the weekend cash on her that she was going to go deposit in the bank.

She had $7,000 in cash and checks. Oh, shit. So she's sitting in the car and they're like, give me your money. And she's looking everywhere for a while. And she's like, I have it here somewhere. I know I brought it. Like, just hold on. I'll give it to you. And she's sitting in the car and they're like give me your money and she's looking everywhere for a wallet and she's like i have it here somewhere i know i brought it like just hold on i'll give it to you and she's crying and crying and she just keeps searching and this guy's holding a hip or a gun to her hip and um she's probably around 30 30 at this point 29 30 and she's like it's here somewhere you can have it like take my wallet i don care. Just don't hurt me or my kids.

And so they opened the back doors. And, like, my brother and I were sitting back there. And I was like, Mom, what the hell were we doing? Like, I don't remember this. I was probably, like, two and a half. And my mom goes, oh, well, your brother was laughing. And he thought it was funny because he didn't know what was going on. And I was like, well, okay.

And she goes, and you were just going mama nicht weinen which means mama like mom don't cry don't cry mom she's like she just kept going and then i kept yelling i'm not crying because she like didn't know what to do and then i was like why weren't we crying and she's like oh they were very nice to you guys like they were like oh don't worry everything's fine and then we're like give me your fucking money to my mom and she's like freaking out she can't find it so she tells him like listen take the the seats of the minivan take whatever you need to get anything out of it so they remove the seats of the minivan like with you still in them no like the it was like three rows of seats whatever and they like took out the middle row removable seats yeah and just like took them with them she's like they're worth like 700 bucks if you sell them like at the auto store whatever

just take them so they took them and then she just like kind of drove home and she said it took her like five or six years before she could drive back down to like drop off money oh and then she got out of the car when she got home turns out she had been sitting on the cash the whole time that's why she couldn't find it at least she still made seven thousand dollars on it again i know right and then the other thing was oh wait they took the season then all the donations like the whole trunk was full of like donations and stuff like that so that's what they took and then the other one was that i remember more clearly i was probably about eight years old and i was we were living in this house.

My mom was a single mom and she was decorating the tree and I was being a brat and I was like, I want to go to my friend's house. So I went next door to my friend Celine's house and she had a friend over and we started talking. I was eight and we started talking about like crime and like ghosts. I mean, it really was like what we ended up doing with our lives, but we started talking about like crime and like ghosts i mean it really was like what we ended up doing with our lives but we were talking about like this girl i remember her and i don't remember her name or anything but she was like telling me how her mom had this stalker and like just weird

shit where i was like this is creepy and so interesting and so we were talking about all this creepy stuff then finally i was like i should probably go see what's going on at my mom's house and i walk over and there's all these police officers. I'm like, what the hell? Apparently while she was decorating the tree, like minutes after we had left, this guy walks in the back door of our house and he had a long blonde ponytail, my mom said,

and she grabbed a broom and just started like fucking hitting him with a broom. Oh shit. And he ran out and she chased him down the street and she was screaming so loudly that Celine's dad, Michael, came out with a gun, and they started just, like, chasing this guy down the street. My mom said she just started screaming so loud that all the dogs started, like, coming

out and barking. Oh, shit. And she's like, Michael chased him into, like, the neighbor's backyard and, like, back on the street. And she's like, and then he just got away. And so I came home, and my mom was like, oh, sorry, I'm exhausted. I just, like, chased this guy down the street with a broom. And I'm like, and then he just got away. And so I came home. My mom was like, oh, sorry, I'm exhausted. I just like chased this guy down the street with a broom. I'm like, what the hell?

So then a week later, I'm on the front porch of our house reading Celine's little sister, Sophia, who's probably like four or five years old, maybe. I'm reading her a book on the front porch. And we had like these hedges that you could sort of see through. They were like translucent, like you could sort of see. And I see somebody walk past and then kind of just stop. And I like reading this book and i'm like that person's watching us and i can't see who it is but i can like see that there's a figure there so i'm like okay get ready to run so i'm reading this book to my to selene's little sister and i keep turning the pages finally after a few minutes the guy keeps walking and he like turns to look at us and he has this long blonde

ponytail like my mom had freaking described about the guy who broke in why would he come back i don't know and he stood there for like five minutes i didn't even run i just casually like really calmly walked in i was like mom that guy's fucking out there and she's like you are so dramatic everyone's so dramatic blah blah blah and then no one believed me and i talked to my mom today she's like oh yeah that's pretty creepy i'm like glad you finally believe me anyway those are my christmas stories fuck that you weren't asking for but that i gave you but also i kind of i was asking for them and didn't know i was because those were top notch oh my poor mother i can't believe you lived that life that was such a different life that i led it's just so there's just so many i'm so amazed you're alive those

are just the christmas ones god that's just the holiday theme oh good the seasonal stories oh well thank god i i don't know you can have that childhood i don't want it listen clearly i'm a hardened just uh crossing my heart right now yeah yeah you cats like you oh my yeah on uh the day before i'm jewish and during christmas i'm catholic everyone's like everyone's like what the fuck is everyone's like oh a menorah for em i'm like i don't have a menorah i don't but i want that dinosaur one so bad i know you do anyway let's just do the story let's move on tell me Tell me what's happening. I'm not doing a ghost story. I wanted to do something Christmas themed. You're going to like my story.

I'm so excited. And everyone else is going to like my story too because it involves you saying a lot of German. No, thank you. You want to guess? It's not Krampus. Yeah. I'm so excited. Are you?

I could lose my God in mine. How do you say it? Krampus. Krampu. How do you do it? Krampus. Krampu. How do you do it? Krampus. It's like in your, like. Like you got popcorn in your throat?

Yeah. Krampus. Yeah, that's pretty good. Krampus. Krampus. Krampus. Let's talk about Krampus. Okay.

So this is not the story. This is just, this is just an education session for all of us. I mean, I don't even really know much about Krampus at all. Oh, really? Nothing. Because it's not like I learned as a kid. My parents weren't like, there's this demon. Well, we're going to learn.

My dad's parents probably did that to him. And that's why Bernhard turned into who he is. I mean. With his slag pots and his fake news articles. I'm going to be honest. And his marmalades. Frida's Bakery. Let me tell you, that's exactly why so krampus is

a half goat half demon jesus christ who literally beats children into being nice but we're off to a good start so absurd he's known as the anti-santa he's also known as saint nick's's good cop, bad cop duo. Oh, interesting. So he's from pagan traditions, which means he's older than Jesus. Fun fact. He's gotten one up on him. And he is described as, I think he stole the same tagline you have on your Tinder page.

Because it says boozy goat horned menace that whips children around Europe. I'm going to pee my pants i'm sorry can you read it again i'm gonna pee my pants can you read it again it's my tinder profile indeed everyone imagine you're swiping swiping swiping you land on christine's face swiping left and then you go i'm gonna swipe right you're like let's see what this girl has to say boozy goat horned menace that whips children around europe i'd swipe right i think boozy menace indeed i like that's the funniest thing i've ever heard okay come on described as um having horns dark hair a long tongue apparently a lot of people referred to him as kiss

that like long long time fangs cloven hooves um and has a chain bells and a bundle of birch sticks and a large wicker basket on his back he sounds like the devil but also little red riding hood yes you know he sounds like a hangry little red it's a snickers commercial probably it's little red riding hood before she has her snickers um so in this in this wicker basket that he carries on his back it is filled to the brim with thorny birch sticks jesus um so it's very much in a weird way like how santa like if you're good you get presents if you're bad you get coal if you're bad on krampus's terms you are whipped raw to the edge of death listen but apparently saint nick is like hanging like next to him and like watches this happen is very much like prison mentality of like i see everything but know

nothing like he's very much like he's aware of this shit and he's a saint yeah he's a saint because he like he he's not doing anything that involves punishment he's just a saint like he's not doing anything wrong he just like he sees what's happening but if anyone says anything he's just a saint like he's not doing anything wrong he just like he sees what's happening but if anyone says anything he's like i don't know that guy oh my god the name is derived from the german name i'm gonna say the krampen krampen krampen you said it right meaning claw correct claw yeah um he is fuck he is also the son of hell in norse mythology did it come out your nose did it feel weird during you mean the son of hell like lucifer but not i can't tell because i don't know norse mythology you don't not always but so it says son of hell but hell is with one l so i

don't know if that's a typo and means hell like the place or if hell is a person with one l and he's from north mythology i like you just didn't google it you're like well i chose to let everyone else choose their own adventure sure great so during the 12th century the catholic church actually attempted to like remove krampus from like society like like to like just ignore the fact that he exists because of his resemblance to the devil yeah it makes sense and they were like no we don't want this is 20th century the 12th century oh well i was like yeah 20th century like the 1100s they were already like this is too much they were like in the 1100s this is too much like we're literally pulling people's limbs apart

with with wheels but you know our children shouldn't be seeing this horned person exactly since the 17th century him and like i said him and santa or not really santa saint nicholas um have been like it's like his like dark companion you know what i mean like his after hours buddy that he doesn't like bring home to mom oh my okay so they do like the one article i read was like yin and yang oh interesting it's like they're both they're one of the same they're like in the cut from the same cloth but different fabric interesting um so krampus delivers apparently this is like another thing that he does he um delivers to children um birch sticks that are painted in gold cool and like they're the birch sticks are small cut down versions of the twigs that he uses to beat

bad children with but you're the kids are supposed to hang the gold painted birch sticks on their like as a decoration in their house to like remind them over the year to like be good or else like bigger non-gold painted versions of these are gonna beat you up so it's like elf on the shelf but like yeah it's like elf on the shelf but sticks but like on the wall birch stick on the i can only think of dick yeah me too stick on the dick birch on the church cool sure according to um i guess you know how in like the 1800s postcards were a big thing what we all knew you know i remember that yeah who doesn't in a series of 1800s postcards krampus is heavily used in art for the postcards okay and um they would have him doing different things to children including ripping out their pigtails oh um leading children off of cliffs what i don't

know what this means but sadistic ear pulling and putting preteens in shackles forcing children to beg for mercy and hauling kids to something called the lake of fire he also drowns children to death in ink and then uses his pitchfork to fish them out in ink yep the fuck i thought you're gonna say uses his pitchfork to like draw a pretty picture no he just like puts them in ink and then fishes them out like his pitchfork is a giant piece of calligraphy in the 1930s in austria krampus was seen as a symbol of sin but not before that i guess um so actually this was like a big thing though in the 1930s in that area he was seen as being the poster child for socialists wait poster child for social wait okay say it again like a lot of people hated krampus and associated him with socialists oh why that doesn't make any sense

because he had anti-christian ideals and socialist values how on earth he's just like beating the shit out of people and putting them in ink with his pitchfork that's not socialist values look i'm just i'm just i'm just handing you the news all right hand me the news um the austrian catholic union also tried to boycott krampus because he was becoming super commercialized i guarantee you my grandma was in that group whatever that was the austrian catholic union i mean i can almost a thousand percent guarantee you well anyway the government forbade krampus celebrations because people also celebrate this guy in 1953 that's the year my dad was born oh good well the kindergarten system in vienna uh started passing out this pamphlet for new students to

give to their parents called krampus is an evil man and uh it warned parents that they should not talk about krampus in their home because it would permanently scar their children well i mean that's not wrong that's true but also like just out of context that's not it's just such a weird like that's the pamphlet you're gonna offer people like can you imagine today people like handing out a pamphlet about like spongebob or some shit like that they do and harry potter did you see the one oh i remember the harry potter thing did you see the one that someone recently posted in the facebook group on and that's why i drink somebody saw a pamphlet that was about atheists and it was like do not approach them directly contact your nearest it's like the gays i'm serious it was like contact

your nearest pastor or your nearest religious official do not approach them they may like attack you no but like infiltrate your mind or oh jesus christ but it was like so and it was written in fucking like curls mt or some of course and i'm reading this like this is the shit you're talking about but like in 21st century it's gross it's for like kids like contact your nearest pastor okay go on so uh apparently he also became known as a sex demon by the 1960s oh no um by the of course in the fucking 1960s everything summer of love krampus was there everything was a 60s sex demon in the 1960s um apparently he was known in a lot of artwork during the time to be involved in bdsm and uh i mean someone in an article i read said

which isn't too surprising given his history of spanking young girls with whips not there's nothing wrong with bdsm but it's not a far association that if this guy uses whips and stuff like that and then in the 60s when everyone's like super sexually active and open of course, like they are going to find a way to throw some free love, some stuff. But see, at the same time, it's like a pedophile. You know what I mean? It's like.

Yeah, because he's associated with children. That's not the same as BDSM. Not at all. So December 6th, it's not like Christmas that grandpa shows up, but it's December 6th. That's St. Nicholas Day. It's St. Nicholas Day, which is known as Niklausdag. 6th it's not like christmas that grandpa shows up but it's december 6th that's saint nicholas day is saint nicholas day which is known as nicholaus dog okay um when children i guess is this a thing where they look out their door and see if their shoe has presents on it yeah okay you didn't do that no christine i went to a stocking a lot of people i know maybe it's just catholics but a lot

of people i know do that where like we would put our boot out and then saint nicholas on the six would come and put presents in our shoes like nope never heard of that are you kidding me nope i have no idea what you're talking about like they put like clementines and candies and things in your shoe all right i missed that train so now is what you did but so the night before that december 5th is when apparently cramps is supposed to corrupt so the idea is that if you're a bad kid then you've been whipped to pieces by the time december 6th rolls around and santa or saint nick will see you and know whether or not you were a good or bad kid and leave certain we'll leave presents in certain kids' shoes.

Is this an excuse for parents to beat their kids? Like, I don't understand. Like, what do you mean? I didn't walk into this thinking that would be what this is, but it sounds a lot like it. I mean, what? You just happen to be whipped on the sixth by some mysterious mythical figure? Oh, it gets worse. So it's called Krampusnacht.

So that's what the celebration is now for krampus sure where it involves a lot of drunk people sure and they dress as the devil and they chase people through the streets and into their homes fantastic and then follow them into the home no that's not okay so basically instead of this idea of krampus running through the streets and beating all of the naughty kids this is now a celebration where people like dress up as Krampus and do the biddings for him and not they don't actually hurt anyone but the goal is to terrorize and frighten children so people will truly dress up as Satanan with pitchforks and then chase them into their houses and then like the parents are so chill with this like they expect

it and like literally open the door for them to come in into the kids room and like scream and terrify them what and then before they leave um the parents will give them alcohol so they get it's literally like a very fucking weird pub crawl but also like shitty daycare welcome to germany it's like a like terrorize my kid and i'll get you good and drunk so you can terrorize the other kid even more and somehow they have a better education system health care system maybe because they let employees happen i don't know i don't know what the secret is so they'll be in full satan regalia and parents will let them into the house they'll torment kids and then give them drinks before they go on to the next house that's really all i have for crampus but satan regalia i mean doesn't everyone have a pair in their car? So absurd. So while I was looking into this, I was like, what are some other fucking gnarly German Christmas folklore?

Don't do this. So I'm going to do it. Tell me. So there's one girl. There's a couple that I just want to throw in, but then it gets good. So there's one girl named Frau Perchta. Does that strike a fancy with you? She was a witch in Germanic folklore.

Never heard of her. Germanic? Or no, I think she might have been Icelandic. Shit. That's very different. Folklore. But Christmas time. She's a witch who hands out presents and punishments.

What? During the 12 days of Christmas. Oh, like tricks and treats? Yeah. the 12 days of christmas which is and treats yeah but like it starts on christmas day so the 12 days of christmas are actually like december 25th through the next 12 days the annunciation and if you're bad like the tricks the treats are that you get candy sure the trick is if you're bad she will rip out your internal organs and replace them with garbage worth it i'm sorry she replaces it with garbage yeah that's like a metaphor for your organs are garbage and not worth your time because you're a horrible person what a fucking bitch imagine

being like your liver is no good take an old can and some potato chips i'm gonna shove this old kale up in your liver what the actual hell so that's frow what a bitch then there's hans trap well that sounds fucking german he's also another anti-santa good who hands out um he's from france folklore and he uh basically it says that he was a real man like this is a story of a real man who was super greedy and rich but he worshiped satan so he was excommunicated from his church and he was exiled into the forest where he preyed upon children that got lost in the woods by disguising himself as a scarecrow by putting like a bunch of straw in his clothing oh my god and he would chase them imagine seeing a scarecrow in the like a bunch of straw in his clothing. Oh my god. And then he would chase them. Imagine seeing a scarecrow in the forest

and then he just starts fucking chasing him. No. And then he would one time he tried to eat a boy that he captured but he got struck by lightning and died. He tried to eat a boy that he captured? That's how he was surviving out in the forest. He would just eat kids. Raw kids?

I guess so. Just started at the fucking finger. Got his way up to the elbow disgusting um wait this is a french folklore it sounds like a very german name so anyway he now apparently still visits young kids before christmas dressed as a scarecrow to remind them to be on their best behavior i'm gonna eat you or i'm gonna eat you that's fucked up then another french legend his name is pair futard that sounds much more french it means father whipper oh good um he was an evil butcher who would eat children just like the scarecrow sure um and he lured three boys into his own

butcher shop where he killed and chopped them up and salted them before eating them you gotta cure the meat you gotta season it um and right before he could actually eat the meat he's already killed them so like what's the point i might as well eat them at this fucking point yeah saint nicholas walks on through uh-oh resurrects the boys to life and then he took the butcher custody what do you mean that's all i What? He put him in his bag? Like, is he a cop now? Put him in his... Like Detective Nicholas?

Yeah, like handcuffs? I don't know. All I know is that was fucking weird and I wanted to talk about it. Let's talk about it. Well, that was it. That's wild. Yes. Okay, good.

That's all I have to say. The last one I have to say is Icelandic. Great. And... I feel like Iceland has some weird shit, too. Like, Germans have weird shit, but I feel like Iceland has some weird shit, too. Oh, get ready for some examples. Great. And. I feel like Iceland has some weird shit too. Like Germans have weird shit. But I feel like Iceland has some weird shit too. Get ready for some examples.

Great. So I don't know how I'm doing this. I don't know how to pronounce them. I'm sorry if you're Icelandic. I'm going to say it wrong. But I'm trying my best. I feel like everyone knows Americans don't know how to speak. Pronounce Icelandic terminology.

I can barely say Icelandic. So this girl. Her name is Gríla. Mm-hmm. And she is an ogress. Oh, sure. And she kidnaps, cooks, and eats children who don't obey their parents. A lot of children eating.

She kidnaps, cooks? And eats the children that are bad. The children of the cooks? Or, like, it's a totally separate thing? No, she doesn't kidnap chefs she kidnaps comma cooks comma eats children what a specific cereal kidnapper i only kidnap the finest restauranteurs i thought you meant she kidnaps cooks and then also eats children she kidnaps cooks and then she uh the bartenders. I was like, what the fuck?

That would be weird. She kidnaps. That's Icelandic. Hashtag Iceland. She kidnaps and cooks and eats children who don't obey their parents. I got you. Okay. She had three different husbands and 72 children.

72. All who were causing trouble, which ranged from harmless mischief to murder. All who were causing trouble, which ranged from harmless mischief to murder. She had 300 heads, three eyes on each head, which makes 900 eyes, by the way. She had bad nails. I don't know what fucking diva wrote that description, but she has bad nails. Listen, gotta get those cuticles oiled. Her ears dangled down to her shoulders and are fastened to her nose.

Wait. I said it. I'm just gonna. And then her chin is bearded and are fastened to her nose. Wait. I said it. I'm just gonna. And then her chin is bearded and her teeth are made of charcoal. You know, so like what you look like. I'm really sensing myself in this woman. Yes. So she is apparently such a troublemaker that the onion in 2010 blamed her for an Icelandic volcano that erupted. Oh my God.

Fun fact. So she is also the Yule Lads mother. Who are the Yule Lads you say? I say it again and again. Of her 72 children, there were 13 of them, which made this little gang called the Yule Lads or Yolasvinjar. No, so it's'm good to me they were 13 icelandic trolls sure but she mothered and in ancient times they used to steal things and

cause trouble around christmas time so they were used basically to scare children like everyone else um over time they became kinder in folklore so now um like they like give presents or not like now all of a sudden they turned sort of they turned into elves but originally they were trolls where each one was more terrible than the next great um so 13 days before christmas eve children put their shoes out on windowsills and if they're good they get treats um but if you are not good then the yule lads instead of giving you treats this is a nowadays where they're kinder if you don't get treats they will leave potatoes in your shoes and i'd rather honestly have fucking potatoes like you imagine like waking up and there's like fresh mashed potatoes like oh i will tell you selena and i

used to take potatoes from my mom's groceries and walk around the neighborhood and hide potatoes in people's belongings because you were part of the yule lads were you trying to be recruited maybe we were it's like an initiation but like we just thought it was really funny well you know what maybe you did it just so you could tell that story one day on your podcast if you live in c live in Cincinnati and you found a potato in your belongings one day or your mailbox. I'm sorry. So I just want to read off the names of the Yule Lads and who they are. Because I really think that this is me trying to create characters about my personality.

Tell me. Because they're all kind of the exact same personality is it like sleepy sneezy like from yes except they're all different levels of hungry i think so if there was ever a missing dwarf the eighth one's name was hungry and it was me and then tried to write about 13 different people but accidentally wrote about the same person 13 times. So apparently each of the 13 trolls, or the Yule lads, they,

each one gets a different day. So like how it's like 13 days before Christmas, there's like presents or potatoes in your shoes. Each day up until Christmas, a different Yule light is causing mischief in your house gotcha so on december 12th which is the first night is gimpy sure also they have icelandic names but these are the american names that they've gotten great gimpy is known for harassing sheep so that he can have milk but apparently he also has peg legs and an comparison from chasing the sheep. Whoops. On December

13th comes Gully Gawk who hides in gullies to sneak into cow sheds and also steal milk. Oh my. See how so far there's no originality? They just like dairy. On the 14th comes Stubby who I don't know how he does not have peg legs but

apparently he's known for his short size and tendency to steal pans to eat any leftovers so they're literally just hungry literally all of them are just hungry for different things on the 15th is i'm not kidding you their name is spoon licker no who is known for being extremely thin and stealing spoons to lick any remaining food off then there's pot scraper we can only fucking imagine what he's doing to steal leftovers from pots because one of them was already stealing from pans and one was stealing from spoons one

was stealing from cows and one was stealing from sheep sure all for food then there's bowl liquor bowl liquor who hides under beds until someone puts their bowl down so he can steal it imagine if you were growing up and you're like there's a monster under my bed and they're like no it's just bull looker he just wants your leftovers it's like that's called a dog just don't finish your cereal just leave some for bull looker then on the 18th comes door slammer oh my who i think is the black sheep of the family because he likes to slam doors just to scare people while they're sleeping then there's on the 19th there's one who craves a an icelandic food similar to yogurt and will steal it from people on the 20th there's someone could you not named sausage swiper who locks swiper no swiping he likes to hide in the rafters

and steal sausages that are being smoked then there's window Peeper on the 21st, who is known to look into windows to search for food to steal. Then there's Doorway Sniffer, who has an abnormally large nose to sniff out bread. Then on the 23rd is Meat Hook. Can you imagine when he likes to steal? Meat.

Then there's Candle Stealer, who follows children to steal their candles so he can use them to find food. Wait, so he has an extra step literally the only one that's not like anyone is fucking door slammer he's just like i just want to make loud noise he's like look everyone else is clearly eating all the fucking food i got nothing else to do oh my god so each of the yule lads continues their mischief for a total of 13 days before retreating back to their yule lad cave then there is the yule cat which belongs in the same family he was their pet and he's bigger than a

house he eats bad kids and those who finish all i guess there's a tradition in iceland that if you finish all your work on time like it's very much like if you're a good kid then you get gifts but they have a rule of like like an old-fashioned rule where if you didn't finish your work on time, then you wouldn't receive clothes for Christmas. Oh, my. And so the Yule Cat is able to see who he's supposed to attack based on if you're wearing old, dingy clothes or new clothes because you worked hard for them. Oh, my God. And so anyone who's lazy and not wearing new clothes by Christmas, they would be sacrificed to the yule cat who will eat them what the fuck anyway it started as krampus and turned into something really fucking weird just like my mind is so there's like snow white and the 13 really fucking hungry

dwarves the hangry dwarves holy crap we started with a hangry little red riding hood and ended with a hangry 13 little trolls holy crap i don't even i didn't know any of that honestly the hangry folklore is i guess how we should just put that all right i have a story for you okay this is about tamara sansanova aka the granny ripper the granny ripper. The Granny Ripper? Yep. Interesting. This is a newly developing story. Oh, shit. Yes.

Oh, shit. So, Tamara Sanzanova was born in St. Petersburg, Russia on February 5th, 1947. She studied English and German at Moscow State Linguistic University, and her records show that she had a history of mental illness, having been admitted to psychiatric hospitals on three separate occasions. She claimed she was ill and couldn't work, so she made her money by renting out a room in her apartment. Her neighbor of 15 years, Maria Krivenko, recalled her regularly walking out of the house barefoot in a nightgown, even in winter. She would go and buy when the neighbors asked why she would say i like to eat at night okay which like said all 13 of those fucking trolls me too and the trolls said everyone but door slammer slammer's like damn it she was convinced people were coming into her apartment while she was out like buying food in the middle of the night.

And she was convinced they would come in and cut up all her clothes. But when her neighbor, Kravenko, suggested she call the police, she panicked and said, well, they can't do anything for me and stopped talking about it. So Kravenko, the neighbor, also revealed that Samsonova had borrowed a handsaw from her 10 years earlier but never returned it. I know what the saw is for in july of 2015 a 63 year old woman named natalia vasilyevna called the police her friend valentina ulanova had taken tamara in for a while so that tamara could serve as her caregiver so basically she had a friend who needed a caregiver, and Tamara came to her apartment to live with her, to take care of her. But Natalia didn't see her friend Valentina for a while and tried calling her apartment, but the mobile phone and the landline were both disconnected.

She asked Tamara what could have happened, but Tamara said there was no need to call the police, and she just wanted to keep living there. So then she said her heart sank. She asked Tamara if she thought Valentina was dead. And she told a weird story, quote, about getting up to make tea at 2 a.m. and finding Valentina unconscious with drink, unconscious with drink in the corridor. But she went away. It's you after every Friday night.

That's me. And this is you. Unconscious with drink. This is you. But she went away. That's you after every Friday night. That's me. And this is you. I'm conscious with the drink. This is you. But she went away to drink her tea. Yep. And when she came. I sound like a real badass.

And when she came back, Valentina was gone. Oh my. On July 28th, 2015, 68-year-old Tamara Sancenova was apprehended while carrying a large pot out of her apartment. Mara Sancinova was apprehended while carrying a large pot out of her apartment. In it, police found the boiled head and severed hands of her friend, 79-year-old Valentina Ullanova. Hmm. I don't like that.

When police arrived, Sancinova admitted to killing Valentina as well as three others. Oh, no. During questioning, she said she and Ullanova had argued over unwashed cups. Oh, right. I mean, if I've ever argued about over unwashed cups oh right i mean if i've ever argued about an unwashed cup i'm about to kill you get that switchblade out with my new roommate if he leaves a cup unwashed he's done done so now she had then sedated the older woman with 50 sleeping pills that she had put into her salad 50 that's child's play get on my level she explained to the detectives that uh that she liked it very much her salad

i wonder if she's like oh i love this salad it's so good just slowly nodding off as it's happening damn 50 that's like no pun intended overkill yeah she literally she like two would have done the trick giant bottle of pills and put them all in her salad she said she woke up after 2 a.m and then found her roommate lying on the floor so she began to cut her into pieces allegedly while she was still alive she used a hacksaw that she had borrowed from her neighbors years before oh my god remember the hacksaw yeah yeah oh yeah she boiled her head the whole thing yep she just chopped hair and all she beheaded her put her head in a giant there's photos on the internet cctv footage of her carrying a

giant stock pot down the stairs of her apartment building and there was definitely a head in the boiled head and um that's when she was caught because her neighbor her friend was like my friend's missing and i don't know who she is oh my god um there are also photos where she is reenacting for police how she is be how she beheaded valentina reenacting yeah i watched watched it okay but wait where is it in case people like me want to see it just google this okay it was on cnn but it was it was um uh tomorrow sansanova google like reenacting got it we'll figure it out murder be a heading we've all googled whatever you want yeah but she basically it's creepy there are photos on daily mail where she's like she's like okay i hold the knife like

this and then there's like a dummy of like a like a woman a dummy of a woman and she's like and then i put the like uh hacksaw here and she's just like happily bragging about it like she's well she's just explaining what she did um she made seven trips to carry the body parts outside to get rid of them because she said she was way too heavy to carry at once down the stairs right she's a dead fucking body right uh throwback throwback dead fucking body 2.0 um there are two photos where she's reenact... I already said that. When police searched her home, they found several bizarre diaries written in German, English, and Russian. The diaries hinted at more than 10 murders.

Oh, shit. One excerpt reads, Quote, Lieutenant Volodya cut him to pieces in the bathroom with a knife, put the pieces of his body in plastic bags, and threw them away in the different parts of the Frunzensky district. Oh, shit. Then there were other parts of the diary that just said, quote, I woke up at 5 a.m. I'm drinking coffee. Then I'll do work around the house.

So it was, like, weird. Like, it's totally, like, just, I don't even know how you would say it. Just like totally negligent of like, it doesn't even like so passive and carefree about what's happening. Like no guilt or remorse or anything. It was very carefree, very day to day activities. That same journal entry went on to reveal that she went out to buy marshmallows. Oh, right. Well, why wouldn't

you in the midst of your coffee and killing listen you got to tell people you got to remind your future self um they also found books on astrology and black magic among her belongings and found a sharp knife and blood smears in the bathroom uh this is a pretty recent case so investigators are currently trying to put together all the pieces she's currently being investigated in connection to a total of 14 murders over a period of 20 years they have already linked her to a male torso oh your favorite oh i fucking hate torsos also let's put it out there yes everyone i've seen that link about the all the missing feet across the world god damn it's disgusting i've seen it every single time someone sends me the

link i have to reopen it so i've seen that article like a hundred times and i've as someone who hates disembodied feet i've seen about 50 people's worth of favorite is when people send it to me and go i'm not gonna send this to him directly here it is and i'm like well i don't want it like thanks yeah um okay so they've already linked her to a male torso found on her street 12 years ago via a business card that was found in her apartment. Yeesh. That ended up being the same guy who was found dead on her street 12 years ago. Her husband was reported missing in 2005. And is one of the victims she boasted about murdering in her diary. Oh no.

He's never been found. Blood belonging to one of her lodgers because she rented out her room. His name was Sergei Podvayin. And blood of his was reportedly found in her bathroom and an old school friend named anna batalina also claimed that sansanova admitted to killing her mother-in-law and once threatened to kill anna and cut her into pieces oh my when she got angry shit um so when sansanova first arrived in court she blew kisses at reporters and played peekaboo which there are also pictures of that where she has her hands like this and then covers her face and then goes like this it's so creepy she's like

behind bars it's oh it's it's really fucking vomitous fucking creepy. She cheered when they told her she would remain in custody. What is this girl's problem? It's also believed she may have eaten her victim's body parts as well. But yeah, when you're that loony, of course. As she reportedly claimed she had a liking for cutting out internal organs and eating them. And not replacing them with garbage? She sounds like that lady. She sounds like Frau.

Oh my god, Frau. Oh my god frow oh my god uh she said her lungs were the favorite part police have also not ruled out a cult sacrifice as a motive which i found interesting i do find that interesting um it's believed that she might be a sufferer of schizophrenia for obvious reasons. During the trial, she told reporters through the bars of her courtroom cage, I'm haunted by a maniac upstairs who forced me to kill. Oh, okay. And that is the story of Tamara Santsanova, the granny ripper of St. Petersburg, Russia. That's crazy. Creepy. Crazy creepy. That was that was short sorry that's all no that was short but sweet that's all i got for you probably like the lungs

ew i don't know sure but what the fuck didn't you what was the the guy who went did a full interview about his body he said the the higher up you get on a body the sweeter it is yeah yeah lungs are pretty high up there they're in the middle but his favorite part was the tongue listen that's so fucked up that's so wild that that guy's business card is the reason that i know like you never buy a business card and think this is gonna be the thing that cops identify me as card you know what i mean like you don't ever like have something on you thinking oh yeah yeah like this is gonna be what identifies me to the cops when i'm dead right you're right it's just wild that like they found his torso literally with that

like disembodied body and then they were like oh we have no idea 12 years they only figured out 12 years later when they got to search her apartment that's crazy they would never have known otherwise like that's crazy i watched um today i watched live pd or live basically cops they're all like cops i love cops but it's more intense like you're allowed to see like blood and shit like that like crimes like real crime scenes and what channel is this on uh i want to watch this i don't know it was on it at work during lunch which was a weird time to watch it because i was eating and i was looking at a lot of blood they used to do that on my old uh in my old um pi job yeah but what was that

what's the break room they always play like those fucking murder shows it's appropriate at a pi job maybe maybe but like oh my god live pd yeah holy shit it has 91 yeah it was a really good show that's on a and e and i wrote an article for them once go check it out so they but in the episode i watched today the guys started um the guy started to smell like a dead body in the house it got reported by a neighbor who was like the house smells like a dead body and then like it was live cam shit so like you we saw like the guy the cop going into the house for the first time and so we saw what he saw and there was absolutely a dead body covered in blood covered in blood like in the kitchen and in the um in like the laundry room and everything like that.

And there, he had a roommate, and the roommate was home, and they, like, arrested him immediately, like, because apparently the- Because why are you here? Because the body had been dead for, like, five days. Oh. My. God. And then the, I felt so bad because the guy, the roommate ended up getting released, and I felt so bad for him because, one, he doesn't have a sense of smell so he didn't know no he couldn't smell a dead body and then he was like not actually a roommate he was like an airbnb person no are you fucking and so the room he was staying in had a

bathroom and it was literally the first thing next to the front door so like you open the front door and you go right into the room and so he was like in his room and his bathroom is attached to it and so he whenever he left the house he literally just had to like go a foot towards the front door and you know in an airbnb you try to avoid anybody yeah so he never went past the hallway which is where like the like it was just blood blood blood blood blood like it looked like a true fucking crime scene and he was living in the house for like five days and had no idea holy shit can you imagine the police just bursting in and being like and being like there's a dead body in the house you're under arrest and it's been there for a week

and he was like i can't smell i don't it's not my fault holy shit and they found out it wasn't him because apparently they wanted to see if it was like blunt force trauma or something and he died from like some sort of like body like some sort of internal medical thing jeez but also like how do you bleed that much i think there was something like he fell on something that was like electric like he fell on like what the fuck like it ended up looking like a crime scene because he might have like just had a heart attack but he happened to fall onto like the um like a glass table no like a like a blender or like the the trash and like the disposal yeah the trash disposal body just fell into the like something something weird and gnarly happened but it looked like he got shot because there was blood all over

the place that's fucking disgusting anyway merry christmas guys happy holidays this is your i hope you're with your family and saying right now i'm sorry see mom and dad i told you this would be a good show mom and dad we are well adjusted in this generation see we can bond over really fun, happy things. Anyway, guys, Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. And good luck. Listen, we know it's rough. Hopefully Krampus and the Iceland trolls don't get you. I mean, maybe that's for the best.

Or maybe the hungry ones do. Maybe they can bring you some meat or spoons or whatever the hell they do. Yep. All right. We love you guys. And that's why we drink. And that's why we drink.