And That's Why We Drink - E49 Bananas in Pajamas and Your Friendly Local Kioskman

Episode Date: January 7, 2018

It’s a Flinstone/Jetson’s crossover! Em tells the podcast’s FIRST alien story, featuring Barney and Betty Hill, who were not martians, although they did get abducted by a UFO. Meanwhile Christine shares the story of the Lake Bodom murders, Finland’s most notorious unsolved homicide. There’s a lot to unpack in this episode, including the correct pronunciation of Bananas in Pajamas. (The jury’s still out on that one.) Just remember to always check your genitals. This story is donated (you’ll see it on our tax return) to our loyal $25 patron Mio Diaz! Thank you for your support.

are we recording yes you did that thing again where you didn't tell me well you know i want to start as au naturel as possible it's our first time seeing each other since last year can you believe it i never said Happy New Year to you. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Guess what? What? This is episode 49, which is my lucky number.

Which means next week will be 50. Yes. Halfway to a century. Wow. Remember that time when I said, oh, in 100 episodes, it'll be a year. And you were like, that's not how weeks work. How was your Christmas? You know, it was fabulous in that I got sick and slept on the

couch most of the time. How was yours? It was about the same in that I also got sick. And at the same time, Allison met my family. I heard it went well, though. It went well. My mom's pretty much gung ho about this. Listen, if Linda supports it, I support it. My as soon as they met and Allison went upstairs to grab something, my mom dragged me into the bathroom and was like, I really like her. I really, really like her. And I was like, you can just say it to her face. Well, and Linda's not going to lie to you. No, I've never seen her more sincere. It was very weird.

I didn't approve until now. And now I approve. Oh, good. Well, also, because I got sick sick Allison had a lot of opportunities to stay upstairs and take care of me but she took care of me and hung out with my family by herself. Oh I wouldn't have done that. I know that's what impressed everyone. They were like you don't have to be here. Like you don't have to be this nice. And she hung out with them on her own and took care of me at the same time so my mom is very excited

for us to never break up i'm so happy blaze came to my house and my parents were like he's a good boy as usual it's like oh yeah you should marry him yeah they're like well okay i guess we'll support your wedding and i'm i'm going back in march to do food tasting and wedding dress shopping, which is terrifying to me because it just seems like a lot. When I went home, my mom was trying to get me to do some wedding projects with her. And she showed me where she's getting married. Where is she getting married? It's downtown in our, I mean, we only have one area. But can you triangulate it, though?

No. Okay. Well, only because I don't remember the name of it but um otherwise you would otherwise i would reveal publicly can you imagine so many people would just show up in fredericksburg that one weekend but uh i would because i'm not invited but i'd crash it anyway very surprised you're not invited listen i'm still upset about it she's weaning out people very fast she's uh apparently they're trying to not break the budget. Linda, consider yourself weaned.

So she, uh, showed me where they're getting married, and it's a very weird area where they're, quote, walking down the aisle because it's a random piece of grass. What? In between, like, the roundabout where the cars come. Wait, what? And, like, a cliff. It's literally called suicide hill i'm sorry oh that's how we can triangulate it i know it by suicide hill what the hell it's literally it's just like a steep fall off where like i mean like if you fell like you would

hurt you get hurt but you like you wouldn't even really get hurt enough like i would for ten dollars fall down it like it's not that bad like's just called Suicide Hill because it looks like you could really get hurt, but also you really wouldn't. It's like a four foot drop. What in the actual hell? So she's, it's not even meant to be an aisle or anything. It's just a weird patch of lawn. How did she find it?

Well, the whole venue is really pretty. Oh, it's a venue. Like it's actually. Like there's a venue indoors, but she wants to get married outside. so it's in like this weird side yard it's very odd it's very odd and she was trying to like kind of dance around the fact that it was weird she was trying to throw a lot of ideas at me she's like or we could do it here and i'm like mom this is weird this is a weird thing and you know it so anyway well as long as she's happy i'm happy for her also it's going to be june virginia and it's i think a night wedding so human no it's just going to rain the whole time oh so

good anyway we'll see how it goes i give you our save the date that we did finally got mailed you were the third person to receive a save the date you gave me allison's save the date i said here's your save the date well then allison was like i expect mine to be mailed and i was like fine so you'll be getting one in the mail well you did get a christmas gift i did slash an engagement gift what do you mean this was supposed to get to you back when you got engaged what in july but it took a long time to get here what is it wait you Wait, you have it right now? I have it. Why do you always do this to me? Well, this is not my gift. I'm the messenger currently. Whose gift is it? This comes from Deirdre. Oh, Deirdre! After you guys met and quickly became fast friends.

It's not a cross-stitch. It's not a cross-stitch. As soon as they... Do you want to talk about how you guys came to be how you guys got to know each other real quick just like a synopsis i mean dude just showed up and was like hey i'm gonna be on the podcast and we were like yeah we know and then she came on the podcast and was like by the way i made this fucking amazing cross stitch that features everybody of the podcast that looks like it costs 200 on etsyy. And then was like, okay, bye. And then, well, then all of a sudden we were all on the couch after we recorded. Right.

And we just started talking about weird shows. We started talking about My Strange Addiction. Yeah, we did. And what did you guys bond over specifically? It was a squirrel. What was its name again sugarbush i was gonna say sassy but that's your cloud describe sugarbush to the to the to the listeners here's the thing there's a squirrel okay there's this lady she's crazy and she has okay there's this really bananas fucking nut job lady. And she is on My Strange Addiction. And I fully support her, but she's pretty fucking bonkers.

And she decided that her squirrel is like her like pageant child. Like she's like a dance mom or like a pageant mom, but like for her squirrel. Like a literal wild squirrel. And somehow she like, what's the thing where you're very uh anxiety ridden can you breathe no what's the thing where you um where you are kidnapped and then you like oh when you're sedated like the squirrel is no abducted no when you're kidnapped but then you like hostage you like um associate with your abductor oh uh stockholm syndrome yeah so basically her husband has stockholm syndrome and he's like yeah it's we

love our pet squirrel they literally decided not to have children so that they could give their full attention to the squirrel they said they didn't want to take attention away from sugar but the net the squirrel's name is sugar bush in case you haven't noticed and also they fucking put clothes on it and she has 350 outfits for this fucking squirrel and if you go online because sugar bush in case you haven't noticed and also they fucking put clothes on it and she has 350 outfits for this fucking squirrel and if you go online because sugar bush has their own website and you can see the entire gallery of every picture that this international supermodel of a squirrel has taken by the way and then you can you can literally like buy them and frame them for yourself these pictures i'm gonna lose my mind, and I don't know what you're about to give me, but I can't breathe about it. Well, this was supposed to be your engagement present from Deirdre.

I'm going to lose my fucking mind. However, because it's come so late, it's engagement slash Christmas. But the theme was engagement. Okay. So this was entitled June Bride. Oh, my God. So this was entitled, this one's entitled June Bride. Oh my god! Oh my god! This poor fucking scarf!

I want you to notice at the bottom corner, Sugarbush has autographed it. Oh my god! Why did I do this to this poor score? They really dunked his feet in ink and he really autographed it. That's literally his autograph? Yes. I'm going to cry. Deirdre, thank you.

I'm going to post a photo of this on our Instagram. You guys, if you haven't seen the episode please watch the episode this is how my childhood best friend and my la best friend became best friends where one of them was like have you heard of sugarbush and the other was like teach me everything and then they didn't need me in the room for the rest of that night they just bonded very weirdly together i'm gonna get this framed place is gonna be like why is this hanging above our marital bed because it's a june bride it's wearing a wedding dress i do want to show you one i can't even breathe right now i also got one wait shut up as my christmas gift please show me mine is also autographed oh my god mine is titled finding osama ah what

this poor squirrel holy fuck somebody needs to get these people a therapist immediately it's a squirrel running a tank with a little fucking turban on yep it says sugar bush squirrel goes undercover in afghanistan to search for the evil osama bin laden sugar bush is stuck between a rock and a hard place you can tell that this is a very republican squirrel owner clearly yep anyway we both got very interesting gifts you've got to frame that from the same squirrel oh yeah we will do side by side i'm hanging this in our podcast room anyway so i thought we would start on a high note that just overwhelmed me so much i was not expecting that i thought you're gonna be like oh here's the gift it's wine and i was gonna like freak out.

But this was a different level. There you go. Probably the best gift you've gotten on this podcast. It's the best gift I've gotten in any universe of any lifetime. Including your engagement ring. All of it. All right. So first of all, this episode, number 49, my lucky number, is donated to...

Is donated. Is dedicated. You're welcome. It is donated. I'm going dedicated you're welcome donated i'm gonna get on our behalf a tax credit for it this is uh dedicated to mio diaz oh so thank you for your 25 donation your 25 pledge like we're pbs or something yeah right yeah. Your phonathon pledge. Thank you, Mio. Mio's been a dedicated donor since September. That's like four months. That's a long, long time. Holy smokes.

Mio deserves this. Mio. What does, doesn't Mio mean? It means my. My? Okay. Like Dios Mio, like my God. Oh.

All right. A lot of people have been like, hey, I donated a month or two ago. And where's my merch? And let's just say I'm trying real hard. Oh, what happened? No, it's just like a lot. And I didn't ever prepare for this many people to be supporting us. So I'm trying to get everyone's merch out.

But it's hundreds of people. So it's kind of coming in waves it's overwhelmingly wonderful it's wonderfully overwhelming thank you that's the best way to put it and i will say that um i did send a message out to everyone on patreon if you have not received your merch and you are a ten dollar or more donor please send me please respond to the message and send me your address and what level donation you are because everything's going to go out this month. It's coming. I promise. We put out a few blooper reels.

Going to be doing some videos soon. I know I keep saying that, but we actually. Remember that time we were like, we're all caught up. Yeah. And then everyone was like, no, you're not. And I was like, we were yesterday and now we're not anymore anyway so i just i i promise it's coming i promise okay i believe you overwhelmed it's okay we believe you but i love you guys so much i just never thought this many people would support us

we were just talking about this our anniversary is coming up next month two weeks from now i thought oh no two weeks two weeks from now is the anniversary of me asking if you want to do a podcast with me so like the proposal the proposal our engagement two weeks from today yeah and then february 9th is our anniversary that's bananas we really did not think we would even last a year and brought this up and we started laughing and then it became one of those laughs where you just like can't stop fucking laughing. It was just building. It was like a chuckle. And then the chuckle turned into a hearty laugh.

And then the hearty laugh turned into a wallop. It was just like a wallop. A walloping laugh. I was like crying. I was laughing so hard because we were like, this is insane. We cannot believe that. We can't believe it. Anyone has listened to us for a year. Why?

I can't believe. What are you guys doing? Do you have other hobbies? Go get them. Listen. Go play golf. Anything. Go call your dad and play golf. Oh. No? Or mom. Moms can play too. Listen. Gentlemen only. Ladies forbidden. I think not. There's a ladies

tea for a reason. Ooh. You know what I think is very sexist tell me okay uh there is a a glasses company who will go unnamed warby parker no i'm really not gonna name lens crafters i'm still gonna name them uh but it's sunglasses they're like a tactical company so they're stop it so they're known to be like very like masculine but they only have two options on their um like for all of their glasses they only have two options one is adult and the other is female and i only found this out because they're one of the brands that we represent at my job and so i was looking at the website to look at their styles.

And they all come in either adult or female. And I was like, I guess you can't be both. Weird. Listen. I'm not doing this. Listen. That's irritating. It's like those Bic pens that were like.

For women. Children, adults, and then women's pens. And they were like all pink. And you were like, wait, what? They're all pink. And apparently women's pens. And they were like all pink. And you were like. Wait. What? They were all pink. And apparently they're like.

Meant to be held a certain way. Oh yeah. For a woman's touch. It was like. Finally. Pens for women. I was like. Oh.

What I've been looking for this whole time. Wow. My secretary job was not fit for me until now. Anyway. Um. Beep boop bop. That's all I have to say. Okay.

Well. I have to say this. So this isn't a ghost story. My resolution for the show is to bring more variety. Oh, fuck yes. I'm so excited. So a lot of people have asked about this. We've gotten emails from Jason, Deacon, and Beverly.

What? What? That sounds like an assortment of names. Sounds like the cast of like stranger things three all three of them have asked for this story although it is not wait ghostly tell me what it is it is supernatural it is uh my first alien story oh my god i'm so excited and it's the as far as i know i'm not very um privy to the ufo world just yet you're not but from what i've been told from google is that this is like the landmark ufo case okay like the main one i want to just tell you real quick that aliens are one of the things

that scare me the most yeah you'll have a good time then so i just want to warn you i'm gonna be really fucking freaked out like I'm not usually with ghost stories. So you're going to be gasping a lot, you say. I'm going to be looking out the windows like a crazed... Where's your wine? Where's your Weight Watchers wine? Here's the thing. Allison was like,

I'll bring wine and then brought one bottle. Well, she doesn't know how to party. Clearly she didn't live up to my expectations. Yeah, and then she said, oh, I got you ice cream, and then like ate half of it. I was like, let's not. There was a whole gallon of ice cream, M. That doesn't mean anything to me. All right, go on.

This is the story of Barney and Betty Hill. Oh, my. They are humans, not aliens. The Martians. Barney and Betty. Well, I feel like I ought to say something. Well, Barney and Betty, aren't they flintstones barney is a dinosaur no barney rubble and betty rubble no they're the flintstones friends i thought her name oh the one fred flintstone and his friend is barney rubble and

then he marries betty so wendy wait wendy wilma wilma that's her name. Wilma and Fred Flintstone had pebbles. And then his best friend, Barney Rebel, is with Betty, and they have Bam Bam. So this is a cartoon. So really, Barney and Betty either were abducted and then cavemen. Oh my. Or were cavemen and then abducted. That seems more likely in my brain. Okay.

Sure. So this is just like the like the sequel to flintstones so it's like when they meet the jetsons yes except they're meeting oh well they are from outer space yeah so the jetsons from outer space or just the future i mean both okay barney and betty hill um they were the first family equal. They were the first people to introduce the gray alien into popular culture. It's like the idea that we all have when we think of an alien, like super short with a big head and black cat-like eyes with no noses and they're bald. And they're creepy. And like very like thin digits.

Gangly. Yes. That image, apparently, that stereotypical image of an alien was introduced in this story okay and this is also the story that began the entire alien abduction phenomenon what so phenomenon phenomenon sure so uh this is in 1961 in new hampshire at 10 30 p.m that's very specific and uh the hills more like the rubbles am i right or am i right am i right am i not wrong uh they were coming home from vacation uh they were on their way back to portsmouth new hampshire from their trip to my homeland canada oh i thought you're gonna say virginia but you went no i went to the truth the real homeland to Portsmouth, New Hampshire from their trip to my homeland, Canada.

Oh, I thought you were going to say Virginia, but you went. No, I went to the truth. The real homeland. I went to the reality. Gotcha. Barney, we're going to step aside from the fact that they're obviously cavemen. Barney was a black postman. Oh.

Betty was a white social worker. Oh. And they were in an interracial couple. And this was the 1960s. I was say that's quite progressive so that's just like a fun fact but also might be important later totally so betty it all starts they're driving from my homeland and betty sees a bright light in the sky that moved from below the moon. Like it started up below the moon and started flying vertical. Okay. Up and down in front of the moon.

Ew. And the light was growing bigger and brighter and moved rapidly. She assumed immediately it was a UFO, but Barney thought it was a plane. Okay. So originally he was like, oh, it's probably a plane. But then all of a sudden it started moving pretty wildly. So it's like me and Blaze where I'm like, it's a UFO. Yes. And he was like yeah it's probably a plane but then all of a sudden started moving pretty wildly so it's like me and blaze where i'm like it's a ufo yes and he was like it's a plane and blaze is literally always like it's a helicopter plane and it's always a helicopter plane yeah but this time maybe barney was wrong except this time team christine won finally i've

been waiting so the light grew bigger and brighter started moving pretty erratically um they stopped the car uh and betty saw quote an odd shaped craft with flashing multi-colored lights moving in front of the moon oh no um it then quickly went from being far away to dropping down almost on top of the car oh no um it dropped down it was getting closer and closer to them and for some reason instead of freaking out they just drove slowly so they were doing the blaze thing to be like well let's observe and see what's going on like just don't look too closely i'm sure it's just an airplane yeah so they were driving really slow to observe it um as it got closer and closer to them betty swears that the whole

experience as huge and loud and bright as it was it was eerily silent oh man um that's so creepy and it was over a hundred feet long and rotated above them in the circle oh my god that's awful and they were driving slowly like get the fuck out of there eventually it hovered about 100 feet above their car and it was so big that if you look through the the windshield it filled the entire view oh my god you couldn't even see in front of you because it was just taking over so much space um fun fact it reminded barney of a huge pancake. And it reminded Betty of a banana. Whenever food gets involved, I have to bring it up. But I'm guessing it just means long, wide, and flat.

So it's like that Jack Johnson song. Or what's the name? Banana phone? Is that what you're talking about? No, I'm not talking about fucking banana phone. What's the name? Jack Johnson? Who sings like, I'll make you banana pancakes?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Is that Jack Johnson? I think so. Yeah. But yes you banana pancakes yeah oh okay is that jack johnson i think so yeah yes banana pancakes listen banana phone whatever the banana grams what are they called bananas and pajamas that's what i'm thinking i love the bananas and pajamas you know what it always i probably actually scarred me a little when i was younger that i couldn't figure out how to say it the right way because pajamas. Bananas and pajamas. Because pajamas and pajamas are used interchangeably. But usually I would think like, oh, bananas and pajamas, because at least I can guarantee

that bananas is how you're supposed to say it. But then in other countries, it's bananas. Well, and they were British, so they were like bananas and pajamas. Yeah, and they said pajama. And I was like, oh, fuck. I was like, wait, which one is it? Now I can't tell. I'll tell you what.

We had really traumatic, rough childhoods. That's what I make of this whole experience. Your mom was held at gunpoint during Christmas one time, and I can't pronounce bananas. So, I mean, we're both living, like, you know, similar lives, I think. I'm more scarred about the bananas and pajamas, but, you know, whatever. So, anyway, they're thinking it's a pancake or a banana, apparently. Then, using binoculars, because I guess in the 60s everyone just had those. Or, you know what?

They were on vacation. I'll give them some slack. They just bring binoculars. Do you? What? Okay. They had binoculars. So, using binoculars, Barney claimed, because because first of all, I would not think, let me grab

the binoculars when there is a flying saucer so big I can't see outside my car and it's hovering on top of me. Yeah, the last thing I want is to see it closer. Yeah, I wouldn't be like, oh, get the binoculars. I can't see anything else, but this is still too far away. Right. But anyway, that's what Barney did. Sure thing.

He used the binoculars and claimed that he saw about eight to eleven humanoid figures. Oh, no. Staring at them from a window in the craft. Oh, no. All but one left the room. The room? Like, in the room with the window that they were looking out of. Like in the room with the window that they were looking out of.

And the one that stayed continued to stare at Barney and telepathically told him, stay where you are and keep looking. Barney said that they wore glossy black uniforms and black caps. Oh my. Which is creepy. I've never seen a glossy uniform. I don't know what that means. Like pleather? Pleather.

I was about to say maybe they were strippers. Oh, that puts a spin on things. Listen, this is actually a big porno from the 70s. Or what year is this? All of a sudden you'll hear... Did someone order a pizza on this UFO? A banana in pajamas, perhaps? Oh, no.

A banana pizza? Oh, kill me. Oh, my. Okay. So a long ramp then descended from the bottom of the craft no as it does sure and barney ran back to his car because by the way he's also gone he got out of the car with the binoculars to do some real fucking like bird watching and he ran back to the car because now he's scared now that a ramp shows up not fucking

11 humanoids and glossy pleather talking to you telepathically right but the ramp coming down from the craft is what scared him okay so he ran down and he got back to his car and drove at high speed and told betty to keep lookout for the object poor betty betty's like i don't want anything to do with this betty's like get me out uh they as they're looking for it the um craft starts going away and coming back like fading in and out of visibility oh my like it's almost putting a cloak on itself yeah and then coming back and then trying to hide itself again then they hear a rhythmic series of beeping and buzzing okay that i guess it's very melodic like they can it makes a certain sound to them and it apparently was like making the whole car vibrate um the car vibrating

was so strong that they also began to feel tingling in their own bodies oh and they experienced the beginning of an altered state of consciousness that left them zombie-like. Where they couldn't do anything. They were just in a trance. Were they still driving? Mm-hmm. Oh, my. That's dangerous.

So they are now basically, I guess that was like, if this is a real story, and if this really happened. It is. Then that's how they get you to do whatever you want. That's how they put you in a trance- okay you they just tingle you up oh is that what it's called yep oh okay they tingle you okay so okay yeah it's the pleather honestly it's it's the pleather the pleather will just tingle you all the way to your core and so uh the next thing they remember is a second series of beeping or buzzing sounds to the same melody same rhythm um and they returned to full consciousness they had traveled nearly 35 miles and several hours had passed whoa wait so they were driving like one mile an hour they were

driving like half a mile an hour oh my god an hour like i imagine if they like if something was keeping the car at bay maybe it was like just kind of keeping it on like a slow roll or something can you imagine like pulling up and being like god damn it like honking and like pulling past and they're both zombies can you oh can you imagine that or imagine looking in the car and no one's in there and it's just rolling it's just rolling very slowly i'd be more creeped out if they were like zombie like i don't know what's just creepy i think it'd be creepier if there was a car with no no one in it just drive like how is it perfectly staying on the road i mean that's fair so when they got home because they were just like oh that's weird some shit that you and I would do, I guess.

Standard. When they got home, they had some very weird behavior that they could not explain. Oh, no. Betty insisted that they put the luggage at the back door instead of the main part of the house or taking it apart or unloading it or anything like that. What? It was just like, we have to keep it at the back door. Both of their watches were broken.

Of course. The binocular strap was torn friend they didn't know why oh my god um the tips of barney's best dress shoes were scraped up oh and god forbid uh he obsessively began examining his genitals in the bathroom and couldn't explain why but he needed to check his genitals oh no they both took very long showers and don't remember why but know that they needed to remove contamination no but they don't know why they were both so compulsively oh desperate to do it it's horrifying the next morning because then they go to bed they're like oh that was weird honey just leave the luggage by

the back just and check your genitals and uh so the next check your genitals sorry sorry your shoes are scuffed check your genitals okay that should just be what we tell people now it's like it's not our fault check your genitals really that is a good psa though i mean you don't know what you did at the club last night check your genitals i mean it can't hurt yeah it's really we're just protecting society we're just trying to help we're just trying to help everybody um the next morning uh betty placed her shoes and her clothing that she had worn into the closet but she noticed that they were torn and covered in weird pink powder ew and by torn like her clothing like her she was wearing a dress and the hem like zipper and everything wasn't was just completely torn apart oh my god fun fact about that dress years later crop circle invest investigators let me just say that again because i think i almost said transvestites and i it was a very

weird experience i saw investigators but i read it in my mind as transvest, and then alligators. So I was like, transvestite and alligators. I think I just got abducted. I'm really pleased that you're trying to explain it, but it really isn't. It isn't helping. No, it's not explaining anything. Anyway, crop circle, transvestite, alligators. Sure, sure.

Years later, crop circle investigators examined the dress and they said that it had, quote, in an anomaly for a biological substance. And I'm not. God damn it. I it. This whole sentence is wrong. Is that what they said? Really? You mentioned a doctor came in was like, I'm sorry, my whole sentence was wrong.

Although not that a crop circle investigator is really the equivalent of a doctor in my mind, but it's fine. Had an anomalous biological substance. Oh, what does that mean? It means they don't know what it was, but it was just some weird toxic substance. So what is a parent? What is a... Keep in mind, when I say years later, I mean like 40 years later.

So really this anomaly could have just been like mites and mold and dust over time. But they can't explain why it's pink or why it's been there for 40 years and hasn't blown itself off the dress. Okay. Creepy. But interesting that it was torn to pieces and had a weird pink powder all over it. It is really upsetting that the zipper was torn off and stuff. Yuck. Over the years, five different laboratories have also

conducted chemical and forensic analysis on the dress. Really? A lot of people have been very interested in this dress and not like the pleather shit that the aliens were wearing. I'm more interested in that personally. Also, when they woke up that morning, there were shiny circles scraped into the bare metal on the car's trunk. Ew! So, like, the parts that used to have a color, like paint, now they were just perfect metal circles. Ew! Scraped into the car. The fuck? That had not been there the previous day.

They put a compass near the spots, and the needle would go crazy next to those spots, because for some reason those were magnetized, but the rest of the car was not. So, they called a friend of theirs in the Air Force to report a UFO sighting. Okay. And originally he said, oh, no, you just misidentified Jupiter. Sometimes Jupiter likes to take your clothes off. It's a little aggressive. Sometimes he's like, I mean, honestly, Jupiter needs to calm down.

Jupiter's a little sexually frustrated and also wants you to keep your luggage by the back door i don't right also check your genitals yeah please always um so basically he ended up filing the report in project blue book do you know what that is no so project blue book was one, I think it was the third one, back in like the 50s. It was one of the government's first records of any UFO sightings. They were trying to figure out how to define UFOs and then if any of them were causing threats to national security. Right. Basically.

So there was like over 12,000. I think it was from 52 to like 69 over 12 000 reports holy shit were put in project blue book like to the government level yeah oh my god but they did like and of course this does not mean it's true because the government's just saying whatever they fucking want to us but if you look it up it says that all of them have been debunked deep either debunked or they were not a threat to national security they were just misidentified flying objects what bullshit oh a thousand percent oh my god if i get abducted i swear to god oh yeah i'm gonna kill you what i didn't do it i'm mad at you already if i get abducted so the friend in the air force later found out, like 20 years later, that the UFO that

they saw was actually also confirmed that night at two different Air Force facilities, both within hours of the abduction. Shut up. And however, due to the altitude and low speed of this flying object, they were officially filed as weather balloons. No, the fucking weather balloons it's it's such a government thing to just call something a weather balloon so also fun fact 10 days after the abduction betty started having persistent nightmares for five nights in a row oh

no no no freaked out and wanting to remember them she began writing down everything she could remember which was quite detailed oh fuck and one dream just one of them her and barney were at a roadblock and men surrounded their car they forced her to walk into the forest and she saw barney walking behind her in the forest so she screamed for him but he was in a trance and wasn't responding to her the men were five feet wore matching black uniforms and military caps they had had black hair, dark eyes, very prominent noses, blue lips, and gray skin.

Barney and her were walked up the ramp into a metal disc-shaped craft and separated from each other, where the leader said that if they were examined together, it would take longer. So they got separated. The examiner, as Betty remembers, had a pleasant, calm manner and did not speak English as well as the leader. Oh my god.

They said that they wanted to know the differences between humans and themselves. And they never gave a name for what they were. They took samples of hair, skin, and nails and examined their eyes, ears, mouth, teeth, throat, hands, legs, and feet. They stabbed a needle into her belly button don't do that don't do that however whenever she showed signs of pain the leader would just wave his hand in front of her and the pain would vanish oh that's nice yeah can you imagine that'd be imagine your crones you can just go hello it's like oh listen it's fine not a big deal after the exam she picked up a book with a bunch of symbols on it and the leader said she could keep it oh she asked where he came from and he showed her a map with a bunch of dotted stars with lines connected to several of

them they began bringing uh betty and barney back to the car when a brett went a little bit when a fight broke out between these alien figures. Whoa. And then they told Betty she could no longer keep the book because they don't want her remembering having met them. Having what? Having met them. They said having a son. I was like, they took her thumb?

Jesus. Sorry. Okay. It's not true crime yet. Disembodied thumbs. So in 1964, they were referred to a psychiatrist. But keep in mind, this was also like two or three years later. Jesus.

The psychiatrist's name was Dr. Simon, and he recommended that they undergo regression therapy. So he hypnotized them. He hypnotized them separately and recorded all of their sessions. and recorded all of their sessions and barney's recall of coming across these aliens or figures was super emotional and staff had to hold him down during these sessions because he was having such emotional distress under hypnosis he reported um that he was so afraid the whole time that he kept his eyes closed for much of the adduction and the exam so he does not have as many details as ben wow um he said that the binocular strap this is while he was under hypnosis so he doesn't actually know this when he's conscious um he said that the binocular strap broke when he ran from the ufo back to the car which is interesting because

when he's not being hypnotized he doesn't know why the binoculars chapter holy shit um he recalled driving the car away from the ufo but then felt irresistibly compelled to pull over and drive into the woods what he and keep in mind in case anyone's lost this is supposedly what happened in between the first and second uh tingling vibrations where they lost like chunks of time oh got you okay so he because the last thing they remember is trying to get away from this thing that was right and flying over them past yeah and then hours passed and then all of a sudden they came to the second time they felt the vibrating on the car right right so apparently he was driving away he felt compelled to pull over they ended up in the woods and he found six men on the road the car stalled and three of the six men approached the car and told him to not be

scared and close his eyes i'm really easy easy to do i know if i saw six men in the middle of the night in a forest and they were like, don't be scared. Close your eyes. I'd be like, okay. It's his pleather suits. It's like they're disarming. Just, oh yeah. Just irresistible.

Really sweep you off your feet. So while hypnotized, Barney said, this is the creepy part. He, even though he did close his eyes, it wasn't because he wanted to. It's because their eyes pushed his eyes shut. Ew. What? He said, I saw two eyes coming close to my face. What?

No, literally. The eyes closed his... I thought this was like a... Not like they stared at him. A metaphor. No, no, no. He said, I saw two eyes coming close to my face and I felt like the eyes were pressing against mine. Oh, alien eyes on your eyeballs.

Oh, so slimy. Yuck. They were taken onto a disc-shaped craft. And as I'm saying this, this is different than my normal paranormal stories because I'm telling two different accounts. So I'm trying to like play catch up and see how similar they are. So as I'm saying this this also think of the things that were going on in betty's dream right see if they pan out okay so he says they were taken onto a disc-shaped metal craft where they were separated and he was told to lie on a small rectangular exam

table and keep in mind now they're separated so whatever we heard from betty's experience was in a different room right he was told to lie on a small rectangular exam table. He kept his eyes closed for most of the exam, unlike Betty, who apparently just voyeured all of this. She's a badass. A device was put over his genitals. Oh, my. Which would make sense why the next day he had to keep checking them.

Yeah. He says he didn't orgasm, but a sperm sample was taken. Ew! Which means they, like, pulled it out of him. Ew! Whoa! They took skin samples and examined his ears and mouth and were very interested in his dentures. In his dentures?

That's kind of mean. Apparently they don't know what insecurities are on this planet. I mean, really, it's pretty cruel to point that out. This is pretty cruel, too. A tube was inserted into his anus no thank you and he felt through the tube someone touching his spine and counting his vertebrae i need you to stop talking because i don't know if you know but spines are the spines i know i'm the same way spines freak me the fuck out. I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Imagine someone feeling your spine.

Stop it! Em, I'm not kidding. Stop. I'm going to lose my, I can't. Blaze got a mug that had, from Lisa, that has like kind of like a drawing of it. And I was like, put it in the trash. I don't want to look at it. My dad's a chiropractor.

I'm aware. Believe me. That's why I don't talk about it. The few times they communicated, communicated uh that the humanoid figures communicate with barney uh he said that every time that they spoke it was telepathic and their mouths never moved when speaking wow he was escorted to the car and told to watch them leave before he drove away under hypnosis betty's account is very similar to her dreams about um about pretty much the exam and all that but her capture release is a little different the UFO's technology is a little different and

the description of the aliens were a little bit different interesting however that could be because when you're dreaming you're just throwing random projecting stuff yeah yeah yeah so there is that reason why it might not be similar okay um although the regression differed from her dreams so even though like essentially the possible potential truth yeah was different from her dreams both barney and betty's regressions um were very consistent with each other that is what's creepy both of their descriptions were ultimately the first alien image of short and gray with huge black cat-like eyes bald and smooth green slash gray wrinkly skin smooth and wrinkly hmm you know i mean like smooth but wrinkled in some parts kind of like like ripply yep icky betty's regressions were also very distressing

so she also um either they would have to restrain her or end sessions early oh no so she was uh advised by dr simon that she should sketch out this map that the leader said oh this is where we're from right so and this is important her her map had 15 stars on it and 12 of those stars were connected by lines and she said that they told her these were main trade routes so these were very often traveled stars okay the other three were apparently less visited but they were they formed a very distinct triangle. Okay. So in 1966, she also wrote a book called

The Interrupted Journey, which included the star map that she drew. Okay. Two years later, an amateur astronomer, also an elementary school teacher, her name was Marjorie Fish. What a badass. From Oak Harbor, Ohio. O-H.

I-O. She read the book and saw the star map, and she was so intrigued by it that as an amateur astronomer trying to play around with it, she got kind of obsessed and tried to determine which star system the UFO could have possibly come from. Oh, man. So it was like one of those like freaky fans who like just had to know so she took the star map and literally uh in her own living room made her living room a 3d model of the sketch what and walked around it like

dot by dot star by star and tried to figure out where in the galaxy this place was. Holy smokes. So she went about it by assuming that one of those 15 stars had to have been the Earth's sun. Right. Interesting. And she made a 3D model by... Basically, she assumed that one of them at least had to be a sun-like star, and so she used threads and beads,

and then she made them the exact distance based on it's called like the gliese star catalog and it's like the most accurate for like stellar distances and stuff like that so she used the 1969 catalog to determine the distances from each other so even though she used the 1969 version of that book to figure out all the distances that book like okay so she wrote this book in 1966 okay with the star map keep in mind she's had the star map since 1961 when they were abducted right so like eight years later this catalog comes out and it's like the most up to date thing. Right.

So that means that this that means Betty drew something eight years before astronomers even discovered it. Ew. And so it matched the book? And it matched. Oh, no, no, no. So after several years, Marjorie Fish, the girl who's trying to do this. Yeah.

years um marjorie fish the girl who's trying to do this yeah she determined that the map was actually from the viewpoint of a double star system called zeta reticuli what and she was able to determine it because of the distinct triangle that the lesser three stars made um holy shit so she submitted her thoughts because she was like this is just a theory i'm an amateur astronomer what do you think here are my thoughts dear dear abby dear abby i have some thoughts about these stars well so she submitted her thoughts to astronomy magazine okay and it invited readers to send in their comments and debate it that was the first time that this magazine's ever done it because even they didn't know they were like everyone write it and tell us what you thought someone else tell us what's going on so it became a huge thing so for like a year they were like everyone write it and tell us what you thought someone else tells what's going on so it became a huge thing so for like a year they were like carrying arguments for and against this

idea that maybe it was zeta reticuli um and that include like famous astronomers like carl sagan was like involved like everyone and like famous astronomers were like against each other's opinions like wow even they were literally arguing over this woman's yeah theory she was like amateur i don't think so she's like neil degrasse tyson's tweeting about me like it's fine it's whatever so when she did draw this map it was eight years before it was this oh my god you know whoa i know three hours just passed we just traveled 35 miles she okay so she drew the map eight years before it had been discovered okay um so some speculate because this is where the backlash comes i gave you all the info but this is the reception from people

listen we're hard news here we don't have opinions about anything we don't i just feel like based on some of you nasty itunes reviews you're saying that i don't give you both sides of the coin so here you go that a few have i don't read those reviews oh they make me cry you know what i listen to them and if they're still gonna bitch and moan sorry about it but they're not listening anymore so like whatever oh well i can just be done with my story then okay bye no no no so some speculate that barney's recollection of the ufo was probably inspired by betty just talking his ear off about it for two years so they think like oh you probably didn't really see anything you're you've just heard it so many times that you think you're like subconscious or whatever because uh basically after this all happened,

she started writing about it for like two years. She was having those dreams and stuff. Yeah, and she wanted to remember every detail about it. And she got weirdly obsessed with this. I mean, who wouldn't if this happened to you? But she got weirdly obsessed where she wrote about the accounts every day for like two years. And obviously if you're married to the guy, he's going gonna have to hear about it every day for two years so poor guy

he obviously knew her side of it and so later when it went into like hypnosis he could have just been repeating right like regurgitating things that she had said right so that's one thought of like oh he didn't really mean any of it it's just like so ingrained in him god it's like if you put blaze under hypnosis and he's like yep there's ghosts in the world there's also aliens also geo's the best and i only drink red wine men don't count only geo red one's the only beverage and so uh some also say that the abduction was just a hallucination brought on by stress for being an interracial couple in the 1960s. I'm sorry. Way to find a way in a UFO abduction story to throw rice into the mix.

Let's talk about that for a fucking second. Let's not even. Let's go away. So Betty discounted this being like, fuck you guys. My relationship is happy and it's never caused an issue. And then some people are also saying that this was just a whole dream that they concocted because they were sleep deprived from traveling for so long like look i've been sleep deprived i've never been fucking abducted from it i wish my dreams were that fucking

interesting that i could write a book about them some also say that the story was influenced this is kind of a fair argument in my mind some say that the story was influenced from the movie that came out only like a couple years earlier invaders from mars oh and an episode on a sci-fi show called the outer limits okay so the outer limits was a sci-fi show that was i guess getting really big at the time and they had an episode broadcasted only two weeks before their abduction about alien abduction where the very first description of a gray alien ever happened and then two weeks later they quote got abducted and their only describer their only description of an alien happened to be the exact same one that just showed up for the first time ever on an episode that came out two weeks ago so do they think they just like they think they watched the episode and

then like intentionally copied it or like like subconscious subconsciously did it but then what i don't know but it i mean the stereotypical alien description didn't show up until they announced it until they started talking about it yeah and then they were like and then people got skeptical and were looking back and be like actually only two weeks before you were the people who created that description an episode something created of a show that you watch just happened two weeks beforehand so they watch the show they say no but other people are like i know them and they watch the show so listen betty's my neighbor yeah i'm not gonna say i peek through their window i'm just gonna say i know what they watch it's not like my lace curtains are transparent or anything but i

definitely watch their tv but yeah so the first ever description of gray aliens came from them and two weeks prior in an episode that they watched that's a little sketch um also the the original description that Betty had of the aliens in her nightmare is that they were short men with black hair and big noses. But in Barney's regression alone, he described a stereotypical gray alien. And after Betty heard his recorded session, all of a sudden she started describing the same alien. So they were like, you weren't doing that before. And then she never mentioned the black hair and short noses again interesting it was always gray hair or bald no hair and no noses no noses oh you know how aliens really have noses so creepy so it was more than two years after the abduction that they finally got hypnotized so other people also

think like oh well after two years of just sitting on it before actually getting any regression therapy done your story could have easily changed i'm probably thinking about it all the time and having dreams and stuff yeah yes and so um regardless of all that because they were the first people to really start this abduction phenomenon quote um they were invited to a lot of like alien conspiracy conventions and like all these wild events right surrounding ufos and they became pretty famous as a couple in that community but then they also started becoming kind of embarrassing because so many people were skeptical about their story and one enthusiast one ufo enthusiast actually worked with them at a ufo event and said that betty was so obsessed with ufos that it made him not even believe her own

story what and that when they were just walking around she was unable to distinguish a ufo from a street light so like whoa so she was totally not reliable bonkers in 1995 she wrote a self-published book called a common sense approach to ufos because obviously i need one of those listen don't use a nonsensical approach and even ufo enthusiasts were like it's filled with delusional stories they're saying that she saw like a truck levitate above a freeway and it never got reported and in 1966 she also wrote i now regularly see our quote friends about eight or nine times out of ten every time we get in a car what and it's like okay but if that's the case why aren't you fucking reporting that shit like to like so make yourself valid

there's a street light every time you get yeah exactly exactly woof so regardless of how true it is most of betty hill's notes tapes and other items are on display permanently at the University of New Hampshire. Interesting. And in 2011, the spot on the road where their car was potentially abducted got a historical marker. Really? Mm-hmm. Cool. As the first famous abduction site.

Cool. So there you go. Whoa. I love alien stories, but they scare the shit out of me. I think the only thing that scared me out of all that is getting stabbed with a needle in the belly button. In the belly button. And a spine enema. A spine.

No, no. Don't talk about it. Please. Okay. I'm going to have nightmares. And then I'm going to get hypnotized and start a whole new phenomenon. Yay. Okay. Do you want to hear something that's, like not even any better it's just worse yeah okay good also thank

you to the three people who recommended that oh yes thank you thank you for my nightmares yes so so this topic was suggested in an email from alina. Alina. Alina. Hello. Hi. It's the Lake Bodum murders in Finland. Neat. So this takes place on Saturday, June 4th, which is my birthday. Hmm. 1960, outside the city of Espo, Finland.

Oh, yeah. I've been there. Yeah? No. I mean, I knew you hadn't, but i just wanted to go with it anyway i could have really thrown that around if i wanted to but i chose not to you just immediately were like i was like i regret this you're like the listeners are yelling no turn it around everyone's like we know you too well at this point you haven't been there if it's not canada you haven't i'm done you have you even vindicated no shut the fuck up okay four finnish teenagers decide to go

camping along the shore of a lake known as lake bodum which is a rural area near helsinki finland so here are the four teenagers that went camping there was 15 year old myla ermeli bjorklund and 15 year old anya Tulikimaki. Oh, my God. I don't know how to pronounce her name. Sorry. Tulikimaki? Tulikimaki.

It sounds Hawaiian. It does, doesn't it? So Anya. That's her name. And then their boyfriends, Seppo Antero Boisman and Niels Wilhelm Gustafsson, both 18. So these two 15-year-old girls, their two 18-year-old boyfriends all went camping at the lake. I'm going to not touch the fact that they're 18 and dating minors. I mean, I think the rules are probably different in other countries in the 1960s.

Oh, yes. I forgot about the 1960s. I was going to throw that out there. Did it happen to be? Oh, it was June 4th, you said? Mm-hmm. Hmm. So that was just about over a year before this abduction. I actually, when you said 1961, I was like, ah.

Yep. All right. So weird things were happening everywhere. The 1960s, if you guys remember, they were a weird time. We were all there. I mean, I was. In spirit. So these four teenagers, they go camping. So, around 6 a.m. the following morning, so it was Saturday night that they went camping. Sunday morning at 6 a.m., a few boys were out birdwatching with binoculars.

Just like your story. Love a good binocular. Listen. I don't know. You know, there's nothing like a good binocular. Listen. I don't know. You know, there's nothing like a good binocular. There's nothing like a good prop setup with a binocular to get a story going. It's like, why would you even go anywhere without? Apparently binoculars were like the trend of the 60s.

I mean, clearly. For everyone to just be carrying them around. I mean, I know because i was there but yeah binoculars were the trendiest i mean you're camping you're driving you got bananas and pajamas you know binoculars are important everywhere you got bananas and pajamas bananas and pajamas it's all involved it's all just quite a quite a decade probably oh you've got pleather there was a whole shiny pleather for sure everyone was probably on drugs i don't really know how to explain it otherwise anyway so there were some boys they were out bird watching and they noticed

a collapsed tent near the lake later around 11 a.m a local carpenter named Risto Siren discovered the collapsed tent on a walk, and he found the bodies of Myla, Anya, and Seppo, who had all been stabbed and bludgeoned to death. Niels Gustafsson was found as well. He was unconscious but alive. He had sustained a concussion and fractures to his jaw and face as well as a deep knife wound to the forehead. Fuck! Yeah. A deep, deep knife wound to the forehead. Fuck. Yeah. A deep, deep knife wound to the forehead. Doesn't that mean he's just hitting your brain?

Yeah, just like straight in the head. Shit. You know, speaking of Deirdre. Speaking of wounds to the forehead, let's talk about Deirdre. I do remember a time her brothers were bat shit crazy when we were little. Oh, no. her brothers were bat shit crazy when we were little no and i remember uh it's a it's a famous story in in the deirdre the deirdre household oh one of her brothers who cc's now married to by the way threw scissors at the younger brother and they got stuck in his forehead i don't like that

he was running around and then the the brother who is now cc's husband who threw the scissors was like don't tell mom don't tell mom it's like a fucking cat in a hat but like nightmare version i don't know if i was supposed to announce that he's running around like a thing one thing two with scissors in his forehead everyone knows about it now whoops anyway police determined that sometime between 4 a.m and 6 a.m during their camping trip someone approached their tent while they were sleeping and began to attack them from the outside of the tent with a knife and a blunt object which they believed to either be a large rock or a pipe fuck um so the person attacked from the outside with a knife like

instead that's kind of even scarier i think because like you don't know where it's coming from like there's just like he didn't even care to see you get hurt like he just wanted to hurt something and didn't even want to look at it there's photos of the tent and it just has giant slashes like out of a fucking slasher movie like the tent is just sliced open it's this is why when i go camping i often don't want to spend the night because i'm like you want to know something knows what this is why i don't fucking go camping oh but i love camping i do too until it's six o'clock and the sun goes down and remember that time i went camping and i got a uti this is why i don't go camping look that was the last time i went camping i don't need to go

again don't do it because you know what i'll get another uti you'll get a uti and there will people there are people with large pipes oh okay and they will hurt you what else will happen to me you might go fishing but you'll also probably get killed so i don't know mercury poisoning obviously i mean endless ways to die so gustafson's girlfriend okay myla um she was found on top of the tent undressed from the waist down she had suffered the most injuries out of everyone she had been stabbed multiple times after her death no um while the other two teenagers had been killed with like less brutality so she was stabbed a lot after she had died. And then Niels, who was her boyfriend, was also found lying on top of the tent. So he was the one who had sustained like the head wound, but wasn't quite dead.

So Niels was transported to a Red Cross station for treatment. And when he regained consciousness, they questioned him. And he claimed he remembered nothing at all from the attack but a black face with bright red eyes coming for them oh no this has turned from true crime to paranormal it's so creepy that's all he remembered he said it was like just a black form with like bright red eyes and that's all he remembered well that provides no leads to the police that's fucking terrifying um so this is where the police fucked up they did not seal the site they didn't record the details of the scene um they almost immediately allowed a large number of police and

other people to trample over the scene uh they didn't collect evidence they didn't record what did they do what did they do i mean they took some notes but they just let everybody kind of come in so they didn't collect samples or things like that. They called in soldiers to look for some missing items and things, but they tampered the whole crime scene basically that way. When they did examine the belongings, they noticed that the killer had taken a series of items from the victims he took the keys to their motorcycles but he left the motorcycles so the keys were gone but the motorcycles were still there um he took their wallets he took several of their clothing items but some of them including neil's the one who survived his shoes but they were found half a

mile from the crime scene just kind of like hidden under leaves weird and then the murder weapons also were nowhere to be found even when they had soldiers come like look through the lake they couldn't find anything they've never been found since then um so at this point i mean this is like very small town finland in the 60s like this is not a thing that happened right you know um even nowadays so it was like really fucking horrifying and police had several suspects that they questioned so let's discuss let's discuss let's discuss we should have a podcast where we just discuss let's discuss like discuss it out okay okay good let's just discuss it out let's discuss it let's discuss a little discuss like

a little discussing a little cussing a little discussing hey god damn it okay so the first guy they questioned was named pauli luoma He had run away recently from a nearby work department close to the date of the murders. So police tracked him down and questioned him, but he had a solid alibi and was dismissed. The next person they questioned was a guy named Penty Soyninen. Soyninen. Okay. He was a maintenance man who was convicted of several violent crimes in the 60s um so that was after the murder right in the decade after he had been convicted of several

violent crimes and at age 24 he was in jail and he confessed that he had committed the lake bonham murders while he was in prison and when police checked out his story it turns out he had been 15 at the time of the murders and he actually lived nearby the lake oh my so police interrogated him but his confession wasn't given much weight because he was a known psychopath who liked to mess with people ah shit and so they were like honestly he could just be fucking with us for the sake of fucking with us um and then in 1969 soinin hanged himself at a prisoner transport station on the anniversary of the night of the killings oh shit eerie creepy so that's the end of that guy

the next guy was named valdemar gilstrom aka kiosk man oh yeah you know my job one day i'm sure it's like working at a kiosk it's just it's like that that friendly local kiosk man that we all know many locals immediately suspected him because he ran a nearby kiosk if you couldn't have guessed that what he did i know weird you thought he ran a butcher shop you're not wrong a butcher kiosk busher man okay a meat kiosk let's stop okay he ran he ran a nearby kiosk and he hated campers he would sometimes throw rocks at passing children well that if that's not me when i'm older i don't know what is that's not a classic kiosk man classic kiosk man i don't know what is oh m the kiosk man that sounds like a fucking newspaper sunday cartoon and i'm the kiosk man okay so this guy fucking hated campers and everyone

knew it he hated children uh also what a specific thing to hate when you don't even work outside you work at a kiosk i mean i guess sort of outside right like you have like a little i think like a mall kiosk oh no i'm thinking like a like a train station kiosk or something oh but we're saying kiosk a lot now it doesn't even sound like a name you know when you say that you see that the word salami over and over until it just sounded like syllables. I used to deal with the word obey. Oh, that's creepy. So you were just a small child yelling obey like a fucking demon. I think I heard it from some comedian at some point. And they were like, if you say obey enough times, it doesn't sound like a word anymore.

And then I tried it and I was like, oh, no. And you sound like a demon child. Obey, obey, obey, obey. Fucking Furby. Yeah. All right. What were we talking about? Kiosks?

I think so. let's keep talking about those okay all right so he was just kind of like an asshole and then during a drunken conversation with a neighbor he confessed to the murders uh-oh soon before his death he said i killed them oh that's pretty pretty on the nose It's like slightly incriminating. So police talked to his wife and she claimed he had been asleep at home with her at the time of the killing. So police stopped investigating him. But he had also been seen filling a well in the front of his yard only days after the murders. And a lot of neighbors and even his relatives insisted that he had hidden the murder weapons in the filled-in well oh police never police searched his property though and they never found any

physical evidence to convict him but to this day he's still suspicious in many people's eyes in 1969 uh gilstrom drowned himself in lake bodum oh and years later his wife was on her deathbed and recanted the alibi she gave saying he had threatened to kill her if she told police that he hadn't been at home that night oh so police were apparently also skeptical of his confessions or his alleged confessions because they considered him, quote, disturbed. I mean, a person he's stabbed for, people are probably also disturbed. I don't know. I'd imagine so. Anyway, so that's, but again, this is the second person who's admitted to or confessed

to the murder. So it's like, what the fuck? Why does everyone want their name on this murder? Listen, I don't know. But you're gonna, I do know something. I'm ready. You're gonna like it. I wanna know it too.

You're gonna like this next guy's name. Tell me. First name Hans me first name hans last name ass man oh you're not wrong that's a name i love i'm not even making it up ass man okay tell me he did it it's spelled ass man with two n's so like ass man that's ass man ass man literally every was like, can we talk about his name for a second? Okay. Like every single one written in English was like, but let's focus on that for one minute. Then we can talk about him as a suspect. So his name is Hans Asman. I'm not even kidding.

So this guy lived a few kilometers from Lake Bodum. Most of the public suspicion has been focused on him over the years. He was a former KGB spy and former Nazi. Oh, shit. Yeah. The day after the murder, asked me, I can't even take it seriously. It's so absurd. It's wonderful.

Hans. It's like if his last name was like, fuckhead. Someday you got to ask my dad about his Paul shithead joke. That's his. Hans. It's like if his last name was like fuckhead. Someday you gotta ask my dad about his Paul Shithead joke. That's his favorite joke. He knows someone named Paul Shithead? Listen, just ask him about it. Okay. He will tell you the story so good.

Maybe I should introduce myself first. Hi, I'm Em. Tell me about Shithead. Paul Shithead. Favorite story. Okay. So, beep boop bop. Hans came into the Helsinki Sinki surgical hospital his clothes covered in red

stains and his fingernails filled with black dirt staff said he was acting nervous and aggressive and even pretended to be unconscious for a while police didn't investigate him any further because they said he had a solid alibi uh but this was against the doctor's insistence that the stains on his clothes were blood and the police refused to take the clothes as samples to investigate what kind of fucking finland police are there where they're like nah let's not take the clothes they're like let's just let them trample all over the crime scene i mean he might be painting a house red let's take a note and then throw it away let's just let ass man go yeah also why is he pretending to sleep that's some creepy shit he

was pretending to be unconscious apparently like for show like just like in the hospital like just they said he was like aggressive and crazy and then just pretended to be unconscious and he just okay and they were, something's wrong with him. And they're like, oh, well, it's not. He's not the guy. Okay. It's not. He's covered in blood, but it's fine.

So later, he also raised suspicion, raised some red flags. There was a news report. Remember those kids I said who had those lovely binoculars who are bird watching so they had seen the tent but they had also reported that same day that they had seen a blonde man walking from the tent away so there was a news report where they talked about these kids who had seen this blonde guy and they described him as having long blonde hair so right after that news report came out hans cut his long blonde hair short oh shit and everyone was like wait what the fuck um and then later neil's gustafson the one who survived the guy

who survived was put under hip hypnosis and he described the same long blonde hair oh wow and so the guy cut the his hair off so dr jorma palo one of the first doctors to examine aspen went on to write three books about his connection to the murders um and then former detective mati paloaro connected him to five other homicides that he believed he might have committed so five other unsolved homicides uh some people think that his that hans's political connections were the reason he wasn't investigated further so he had all these like connections to i mean obviously nazi kgb etc and so some people thought maybe those were the reason he somehow got out of right being investigated so this guy hans ass man was considered the public's main suspect for about 44 years

until 24 years so she's like christ the main fucking suspect in 2004 investigators decided to reopen the case due to advanced technology that had apparently uncovered new blood evidence on a pair of shoes and new testimony from a woman who claimed to have been camping nearby that night. Ooh. So the new DNA analysis led to the arrest of a new suspect. Named? Lone survivor, Niels Gustafsson.

Ooh, he did it to them and then to himself? Dun, dun, dun. That makes sense, I guess, if his girlfriend was the one that was most brutally disturbed so the new oh so at this point uh gustafson had moved on he was living a somewhat normal life he had a family he was a retired school bus driver um and according to the prosecution who took him to trial they believed gustafson got drunk, killed his three friends due to a combination of jealousy and teenage hormones.

If we've had him once, we've had him a million times. Millions of those hormones just... I mean, they're the reason I killed all my friends. It's like homicidal rage. I know. I know. I mean, it's why we listen to emo music.

Deirdre only survived because she sends me Sugarbush autographs. Listen up close friends um so they speculated that he used a blunt object to then give himself a concussion a woman claiming that she had been camping nearby that same night said that gustafson and the other guy visited her campsite that night were drunk and aggressive but there were no there was no evidence to corroborate her story and her story came out right as a documentary was being filmed about it so it was the first time in 45 years that anyone had heard of this

and it happened to be through a document right uh so they used dna analysis to prove that all three murder victims blood was on the pair of shoes that they had found like half a mile away that belonged to neil's gustafson but his blood was not on the shoes and they basically the prosecution argued that this meant gustafson had been stabbed at a different time than the other three meaning he had inflicted it upon himself after he had gotten rid of his shoes. That was their argument. Gustafson was found guilty

and sentenced to life in prison, but his sentence only lasted a year and then was immediately overturned. He was released. Finland paid him 44,900 euro for the mental suffering caused by the long remand time. He's no longer considered a suspect

why because they just didn't have the evidence they said like oh his blood wasn't on the shoes but that doesn't right i guess someone could have killed all of them taken his shoes and then it just wasn't yeah proof to be like he definitely did it and it was one of those things where they were like oh yeah we solved the case finally and then a year later it was one of those things where they were like, oh, yeah, we solved the case finally. And then a year later, he was like, he appealed. And they were like, I guess we really don't have any reason to keep you. Also, how old was he at that point? Like, in his 50s or 60s? I don't know.

It was 44 years later. First of all, that also would have taken a lot of heart to break your own fucking jaw and stab yourself in the brain. Oh, yeah. And he was unconscious. Like, he was out. And then people argued, like, how would he have hidden the murder weapons if he was unconscious? Yeah, if he stabbed himself in the brain. And then the knife and the blunt object were never found, even when they...

Can you imagine if you already went through all of... Like, you're a teenager. Your girlfriend gets brutally murdered. All of your friends are dead. You barely make it out alive. And you're like, I can't believe I went through that. And then after spending, like, 40-something years trying to get past that normal then they're like oh you did it and you're gonna go to jail for the rest of your life why don't you go to jail yeah it's it's fucking terrifying and i mean who knows but at the same time think

about all the other people who seemed like the exact person who would have done it it's like it's easy to like right assume one of you know that he did it if you prove it the right way but then one of their arguments too was that his blood was found around the tent and they were like well yeah but he was also stabbed in the head like of course his blood you know so it was just very they had very flimsy evidence and like even once he appealed they were like yeah we did not have enough evidence to prove that you did it so he was rewarded 45 000 euro for you know that whole thing and since then no suspects have been brought to trial the case remains unsolved however this is kind of creepy there is a photograph that you can see online that was

taken at one of the victims funerals and it shows an unidentified man who looks exactly like the composite sketch released by police that was drawn when neil's gustafson was under hypnosis he like he like drew he explained yeah the face and they drew it and if you look at the photo he's in there the face and nobody still knows who that is and it's like all family and friends and then this guy at the funeral i know and he looks just like and i was like what do you mean he looks just like a drawing but like like, it's really uncanny. Wow. And he's still unidentified. So that's one other weird element that nobody has been able to figure out.

So this is arguably Finland's most famous unsolved murder, obviously. It's had tremendous cultural impact, both in Finland and globally. So there's a pretty famous band, I don't know if you know them, from nearby Esbu, Finland, called Children of Bodum. Nope. So they are pretty well known. They took their name from the case there's a pretty famous band i don't know if you know them from nearby espoo finland called children

of bodum nope so they are pretty well known they took their name from the case um apparently the legend goes or the story goes that they were looking through the phone book and trying to come up with a cool name and they saw like lake bodum and they were like yeah, we're going to name ourselves after that. Nice. Crime or whatever. So they're, you know, your average Finnish melodic death metal band. Oh, well, that's all I've ever wanted. I mean, I know there's a lot of bands in that genre. I mean, I have a specific music preference. Right. And if you look close enough, it really is all just finished death metal yeah yeah

i plan on dancing with allison to finish death metal at our wedding oh that's precious she she actually asked for it that's really heartwarming it just i mean we're meant to be i mean why not name it after a brutal murder in finland i think my dad and i might dance to that for the father daughter dance i know sweet fun so anyway that's that's the story of the lake bodum murders thank you alina for sending that in thank you alina also alina that's kind of weird that you know so much and that you wanted us to talk about it alina like do you like listen to death metal what it is interesting that we do have listeners. I mean, Grant, this is what we literally ask them to do. But people think of, like, oh, what's the most fucked up thing I know?

Oh, Christine and Em, you guys should go spend your entire night researching this whole thing and really just ruining your own mental energy. And then report it for all of us. You're right in that, like, we literally beg people to do that. Yeah, so, like, I can't be mad, but also it's like I don't want to thank you entirely. Because of you, I am now having nightmares that Allison has to deal with all the time. And then I get yelled at in the morning. I mean, there's a little bit of resentment building towards you all. At one point, Allison was like, I think you should go to a therapist.

Because apparently all the time, now like regularly I have horrible dreams because of all the shit I'm reading before I go to bed. And I just like flounder in bed. Apparently, I just like I like jabber in the face with my elbows. She's like, I think you need to talk to someone about your dreams. I am like, probably. I mean, she's not wrong. Probably. I'm like probably I mean she's not wrong I have a like I'm using Talkspace which is one of our sponsors

by the way guys if you are interested Talkspace.com slash drink whoever your representative is I'm so sorry for what they probably have to listen to like listen I have a true crime podcast and I talk about murder and this poor lady she's like so she's great

like it's a really great service and i it's great because you can talk to them whenever you need to and then they'll get back to you so i'll like message her occasionally and i like i'm always messaging her about the podcast and i'm like i'm so stressed out like i i don't know how to manage my time blah blah blah and then she's like so i know a lot about Em. Let's talk about your fiance. No, no, no, no, no. But that's not important. No, no, no.

I'm like, no, no, let's talk about the podcast. Did you tell her the name of the podcast? No, I don't. Probably for the best. Yeah, I probably won't. Because she'll probably listen to it and be like, oh, this is the fucking, this is the girl that's talking to me. She's beyond help. Also, probably like if you told her, I have a podcast called And That's Why We Drink.

Oh, she's going to be like. Figure out where my problems are. You guys, thanks for listening. We love you. And thanks for being our patrons and being patient with us as we try to give you all the gifts we can give you. Also, we have a Facebook Live video coming out soon. That's right.

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Yeah. I don't know. Okay. And. Nailed it. I don't know. Okay. And, uh, nailed it.

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So listen, Renata wants to be friend. Renata accepts all the friend requests. I'm like, stop accepting random people. She's like, no, they're really friendly. She's like, look, with my true crime background, I can handle anything. Yeah. She's like, don't worry. I have a knife on me.

Oh, my God. Go on. So our podcast, you can find us on Facebook, Twitter at atwwd podcast you can also follow us um where else let's see we have a website yes we do we do and that's why we drink.com it's been a while guys my spiel is a little rusty i mean this is really the only thing i depend on you for here we have a website and that's why we drink.com we also have a store we can buy our fun merch and that's why we drink at dot big cartel.com correct and then you can also help us at patreon with atwwd podcast we have an email and that's why we drink at gmail.com where you can send in your listeners episodes we put out our stories god stories. God damn it. Let me do it again. Guys, sometimes I give

Em like a little like chance to talk. Shut up. I'm just kidding. Listener stories and we put out listeners episodes at the first of every month. Just kidding. I'm just going to stop trying now. You're the only one who knows how to do it. Guys, I'm usually really good at this. I know you know that because you listen to all

the episodes before this one. It's just we've been MIA for like two weeks now. Anyway, guys, thank you so much for listening to us. Seriously, thank you. We have a potential perfect clink. Oh, right. We tried to practice this. Let's see what happens.

All right. Ready? It's got to be relatively filled. Wait, because I hit the table. That's all. Hit it like this. Nope. It's got to be on hard ground okay okay okay try this one god damn it we thought we'd be so good at this ready that was pretty perfect all right now we know how to do that we can't mess up anymore all right so now we need to leave the 50th episode we will nail it oh okay we need to

leave this wine glass exactly full like that. Yep. Forever. It's going to have fruit flies in it and mold. Goodbye. And that's why we drink. And that's why you drink.