And That's Why We Drink - Special Episode: 2nd Annual Cryptids Unscripted Poetry Slam and Charity Auction!

Episode Date: August 21, 2022

In lieu of a cursed livestream we're bringing you our second annual poetry slam as a special bonus episode! This year we're diving into the realm of Squonk self love and Sasquatch affirmations. Mothwoman walks onto the scene (at the bridge) as well as a new lemon-themed cryptid. There's talk of America's Hircine Shifter and Emothy, King of the Pukwudgies makes a special and dangerous woodland appearance. As expected there is also some thirst for Mothman yet again. Snaps for everyone who submitted. Snaps for everyone who donated auction items and bid on all the incredible, creepy offerings. We love you all! Thank you so much for your patience and understanding while we had health and tech issues. You heard it all straight from the mongoose's mouth... and that's why we VANISH!

Hello and welcome to our second and a half annual Cryptids Unscripted slam poetry event and live auction. My name is Christine Schieffer, a.k.a. the Hercene Shifter, and here's my co-host for the day. It's me. It's actual. this is not the energy we're bringing up take it up so I'm taking it up I just wanted to apologize for our our silliness the first time around uh it wasn't even my heart thing it was a new thing so it's where it's a mess but here's the thing is like thing. We were ready to rock and roll despite the health issue you were having. And then, unfortunately, this stream just did not work. And I had actually flown out to Los Angeles specifically for this event. And when Em had the health issue come up, Eva, poor Eva, who was behind the scenes running this event, stepped in to fill Em's shoes.

Like the ultra homie. Like, really? I mean, honestly. Within five seconds. Like, I can't. I know I have stage fright, but like for someone who probably never has to worry about that aspect. And then all of a sudden in five minutes to be told, you're actually going on and you know what i so allison was watching the stream and was i guess looking at the chat log the whole time and a lot of people i felt so bad in hindsight that people

were expecting this but apparently there was a theory i don't know if you heard about this that the reason eva was taking my place was because i was going to make a dramatic appearance uh dressed as mothman or something like that that was the theory well uh wouldn't that be fun i now i'm like oh damn if we if i had more time to prep now i would have just dressed like mothman for it but um good guess but that was not what was happening. Maybe that'll be the third annual. That'll be the third one. But anyway. Next year, we are going to try and do it better.

Um, we, upfront anyway, we do want to apologize. We, I mean, legitimately, this was so unexpected that like, because I know that so many people were sitting there on a Saturday having paid money for this event and we tried to, you know, show must go on. Eva stepped in. We were, and the problem was Eva was for this event. And we tried to, you know, show must go on. Eva stepped in. And the problem was Eva was hosting the event, so wasn't watching behind the scenes as people were saying, ding dong, it's not working.

So Eva's partner, Rachel, had to be like, excuse me, I don't know what to do here, but like, hey, it's not working. So we are very sorry about that. We asked if we could restart the event and they said no, because this will probably just happen again. So I know some people were frustrated. We have refunded everybody who bought a ticket. And I do want to point out that we have still raised quite a bit of money for the National Abortion Federation, specifically $4,397. I also am thankful for everybody who's written out. I've seen a few DMs come in saying, Hey, I don't want to be refunded my ticket, which is so sweet.

It was just easier to refund everyone. And you know, we, we still, you know, raised a good amount of money through the auction itself. So today we're going to do a much cleaner, you know, M's here this time so that's fine and if i need to be upside down i can do it like with a microphone next to me in the privacy of your own home i know we we did think about me being upside down on a couch during the live chat but it was maybe too much for we did think about it we did yeah we're gonna read the auction items and small businesses who graciously donated their products and services to the auction, you know, just just to help us raise funds for the National Abortion Federation. And then we're going to read your story submissions about cryptids.

We're going to read your cryptid slam poetry. And then we're going to read the winners of the auction at the end. Damn. I'm I'm I'm just here to look pretty. Cause Christine has got it handled. I just, you know, we dropped,

we didn't even, that's the thing. It's like, we didn't drop the ball. I, I, I feel bad about it, but like,

you know, and I'm not saying, Oh, we're not at fault at all. I'm just saying, you know, we want to be clear that we're just as disappointed as you are. We obviously,

uh, I don't know if anyone else knows this, but Christine and Eva did sit there for at least a good 20, 25 minutes and do the whole poetry slam before we even found out the feed was not working. I do know about four of them already. So we're going to... You know what's fun, though? I was in such a completely different world over there.

I didn't hear a single thing. So this is going to be new for me. And like behind the scenes update while I was uh reading these poems to eva which was by the way a disaster because i was holding the music in one hand so this is another plus here is i don't have to hold a microphone the notes and uh you know the music all at the same time because we're going to edit it in later but um while i was reading eva these poems and juggling all these items um i could every now and then see one of em's little feet um because you know and was upside down in the hallway over there i could just see like a foot crisscross over the other foot um so now i am

glad to see your shining face this time around you can't see my little tootsies this time but you got you got the rest of me so it took two cryptid poetry slams to get the whole body for christine so i see both halves but anyway i'm excited for those wondering christine looks amazing in her little trashy classy headband oh thank you i got my mothman mothman and krampus here i was gonna say i was gonna describe the whole scene for anyone not watching and maybe listening in the background as they do something else but you you really came, you really delivered with your little Mothman crew. Oh, thank you. I lit a candle.

I have my crystals behind me. I have my little Mothman and my Krampus. So I'm good to go. I should have put 5% more effort into it and I could have used one of my spooky backdrops. But I'm still, we're still figuring out the layout over here. But you look great. It looks professional looks I appreciate you delivering with the decor well thank you um likewise so all right before we read the businesses I also want to give a humongous shout out to Sarah G Makes who created the wonderful artwork for uh the and submitted some auction items for this year's event. And I said this when we were

attempting to do the live stream last week, but Sarah actually said in the original email when this like the moment we announced, hey, we're doing a second one. Sarah emailed and said, nobody asked for this, but here's a poster for this year's auction. And we were like, we didn't ask, but we absolutely will take it. So thank you for that, Sarah G. Makes. And then Katie and Megan are intrepid co-workers. I don't even know the right word, who have helped us so much with making this auction possible and putting it together and troubleshooting when things were hitting the fan. so thank you to them and to eva of course who's not going to thank herself in this google doc but you know we're going to do it for her

for the rest of our days yeah um it's a given but yeah uh should we start reading some businesses you go first i keep talking okay well i i feel like we should just kind of uh i mean all right i'll just do the first, I'll just do the first one. I'll just do the first one. This is the, we have a creepy coat starter kit, which it's the same as last year. But I mean, come on, if you want a little creepy coat for yourself, patches and all. Creepy coat starter kit. Sarah G, again, because she has really inserted herself into the cryptid poetry slam industry.

And they have an Etsy and an Instagram. It's Sarah G makes as the Etsy. And then the Instagram is S-A-Y-R-U-H-G-E-E, Sarah G. And then we have the spooky friends box, which is this like spooky, adorable, stuffed, spooky pumpkin, grim sea creature and mothman. And that was submitted by Jessica Johnson of Button Jar Monsters, where you can find your own little spooky cuties at buttonjarmonsters.com. And then there's Mothman earrings and a podcast bracelet bundle,

also by Sarah G. Makes. Again, the Etsy is Sarah G. Makes. And then we have coffee from the other side, which is this adorable, spooky coffee bundle. Super cool. And that is from American Hauntings, ink, I-N-K dot com. Oh, I love American Hauntings. Also, we have a spookily sweet custom illustration. So it's a black and white or full color hand painted illustration in watercolor and ink to make you smile or scream. And that is from Art of Angela, which is you can go to Angela F-E-R-N-O-T dot com. And we have a this is one of my favorites, the Mothman My Body, My Choice bucket hat, which I'm mad I didn't get to bid on, which was submitted by Dulcet Label on Etsy.

Also, shameless plug, you can get a signed copy of our book, Haunted Road Atlas. Who were the creators of that one? Me. Us. Then there's the Cryptid Cannery's Tommy Knocker's Taster Box. That is quite a tongue twister. And that was submitted by the Cryptid Cannery, and you can find them at cryptidcannery.com another shameless plug you can get a signed poster for cryptids unscripted you can get the whole bundle and obviously again by us well you can't anymore

because someone already bid on it but you know it's uh fair enough it exists out there in the world uh there in the world. There's the baked bread. And then that's why we drink soy candles. How fun is that? By the burlap bag dot com or burlap bag on Instagram. And then, wow, this is the one thing I wish I could have gotten my hands on. A woodland cryptid basket would have done me well in the decor department of this exact situation. And that is by Of Land and Sea Co. So you can go to oflandandseaco.com. So then there's the Snallygaster Museum gift basket. Oh

my goodness. From the American Snallygaster Museum in Frederick, Maryland. And they generously donated an amazing bundle in celebration of the folklore and history of Maryland's famously unknown dragon. Hello. So thank you to the Snallygaster Museum for that. There is a planchette necklace. Hey, want to see it? Want to see it? Okay, well, there it is.

I'm wearing it. It is from Noelle Walsh Jewelry. My fave. Go to noellewalshjewelry.myshopify.com if you want to look just like Christine. You could pair it with a nice trashy, classy headband. And that's your cosplay. Well,

you got to add one more thing, which are the Christine moon earrings, which, um, Noel Walsh so graciously also donated again. Um, they're my favorite earrings. I wear them in a lot of my Instagram photos.

Uh, and so Noel Walsh, thank you so much for submitting those as well. Then you can get a mini Moons Pleasure Bundle. Should you? I don't know how I want to phrase this. I'm just going to say it's a set of two Mini Moon Crystal Pleasure Wands. You do the math.

In rose quartz and black obsidian. So you have options or you have multiple for friends who might be over. And they are from Self Ceremony. You can find them at selfceremony.com and the Instagram page is Self Ceremony. There's also a Creepy Crate, which is kind of a curse themed Creepy Crate plus a $50 gift card to Ghost Hunt Weekends. This is from creepycrate.store or you can find them at creepycrate on Instagram. There's also a palm reading with nicole from modern palmist and a hands for healing oracle deck combo uh this small business is modern

palmist you can find them at modern palmist on instagram or modern palmist.com and then there's the lavender amethyst co flower pot candles which is the zach bagans candle that we have uh yeah talked about a lot or and they also have the Serial Killer candle, which smells amazing. I have one myself. And this is LavenderAmethystCo.com or LavenderAmethystCo on Instagram. You can also get a five-card virtual tarot reading, a 30-minute session with Madam Adam, who Eva really put us on too. So you can find Madam Adam at madamadam.com or official Madam Adam on Instagram and TikTok. Then there's the lemon jewelry bundle. Hello, of course, from Sarah G. Makes once again. And then a super secret mystery tarot card. And the small business is a secret from us. So

yeah, well, apparently to us as well. Like Eva said, you don't know, you don't. She just was telling us like, you don't know about this either. So I can't give you more information. I don't know what a super secret mystery tarot card. She basically said, you'll find out soon enough. And that seems really ominous. So I'm just going to let it be and trust the process. You know, I allowed it, yeah. And then, of course, there's the And That's Why We Drink merch bundle that was submitted, of course, by us. And that is all for the submissions.

I mean, if there's anything, you know, all this stuff has already been bid on and won and the auction has closed. But if there's anything here that you're interested in, you know, go follow those small businesses. Go find the products. They, you know, sell them on their own pages, that kind of thing.

And thank you to everyone who bid and donated donated and now we are going to read your poems i you are supposed to go first is that yeah yes that is what the note says um so let me get into the zone here once again forgot my sunglasses i was gonna wear sunglasses but i think maybe for my own sake for reading this uh it's probably for the best that i don't have them are we doing spooky music this time i think we're gonna play the spooky jazz underneath because if if we do it now and then edit it later underneath it's just gonna be so chaotic and okay you know what i mean i do know what you mean i'm gonna again trust the chaotic process and you again miss ring later i

you say jump i say how high so you you don't want to play it i don't want to play it i say jump and you say i'd rather lay down yeah i have to be upside down actually so this one comes to us from longtime listener liana hi liana called I've never written slam poetry, though. This should be quite interesting. Anyway, if you're reading this, enjoy the story. No. Oh, OK. Good, good, good, good, good.

OK, OK. The weather outside was cold and rainy. A dull fog covered everything, and the faint playing of a jazz band could be heard throughout the street. A perfect night for slam poetry. Every kind of creature bustled by, filing into a single building. Some tall, some short. Wings and red eyes, deep voices and high-pitched screams. One by one, the whole town was crammed into a room

filled with small metal folding chairs and a dimly lit stage. Lighting was provided by the small fairies sitting on divots in the wall and baked goods kindly made by the mysterious man in a black cloak. No one touched these. I know we mentioned this when even I were reading them, but I don't think anyone heard it,

that I don't know why no one touched them. Are they poisoned? No, the vibe I'm getting is that this is like a little like a like a tavern full of of cryptids. But the I mean, the mysterious man in a black coat, I would not touch either. No, no. He brought baked goods and no one eat them. I know, but I don't I wouldn't eat them either. Oh, I would eat them.

OK, well, there's the difference between us. I'm probably the first. I show up. I'm like cookies. Nobody else is interested. Fine. I see a man in a black coat, black cloak. And in my mind, he's also solidly black.

Sure. And he's just a shadow figure. And I don't know if I'm feeling safe. And he brought muffins. And I feel like why should we deny ourselves the pleasure of eating those muffins? I don't know. Well, I'll wait for you to take a bite and then we'll see what happens okay a group of yetis wheeled in a sloshing tank labeled loch ness leaving it behind the stage in the lineup of speakers a lady in white walked onto

the stage and the room focused their attention on her welcome all she quietly uttered after Welcome all, she quietly uttered after tapping the mic, to the 405th annual Criptown Slam Poetry Night. Speak up, one of the black-eyed children yelled from the back row. Eyes turned back to the stage as the chaperone shushed the kid. The woman continued, the theme for today, worst dates. First up, Jack A. Lope. This is literally what I want our pro-tree slam to become one day. I know, I know. This is like, this is like the bar we're setting for ourselves.

Also, sidebar, are we not eating the baked goods from the mysterious cloaked man, but we're allowing ourselves to sit next to the black eyed children i don't that's exactly my point like if i'm gonna be in this room already why not just enjoy a muffin or was he already oh okay i don't i someone let him in maybe they know each other and like they just one of them was the others plus one the fact that no one's eating them makes me think they know something we don't know. But that's never stopped me before, you know? Alright, first up, Jackalope.

I love it. Yeah. After adjusting the mic to the lowest it would go, the lady in white disappeared and a small rabbit hopped from behind the curtain. He cleared his throat and began. A beautiful hair she was, spotted fur and piercing eyes, blinking, blinking, blinking.

A wonderful conversation we had, topic after topic, talking, talking, talking. A future with her I was imagining, lots of kids and a small house, living, living, living. Such a good time in my house we had, messing around as rabbits do. Biting, teasing, touching. Reading that to Eva was not fun for me as her employer. You know what I mean? The only thing that helped was the fact that she picked this out for me to read. Maybe that's why I was incapacitated.

You tapped out. Somewhere cosmically, I knew you'd have to read it to me and I was trying to get away from it. Well, welcome back. Thank you. Here we go. Biting, teasing, touching. Again?

What? You just had... I'm going to say it again. So, you know, third time's a charm. Biting, teasing, touching teasing touching realized she was my second cousin i did such a shame such a wonderful girl crying crying crying thank you the rabbit finished with a lump in his throat and hopped away as the audience clapped slowly unsure of how to react. Me too, man. Me too. The lady in white appeared again to raise the mic while announcing the next speaker.

Next to the stage, welcome Nessie. The tank was wheeled up to the mic and a low song emerged from the innermost depths of it. Oh, I remember doing this. I don't want to do this again, but here we are. Okay, now, don't think we're going to keep going before i have something to say about that oh did you do that the other time yes i must i had to have been in a different world we're on you must have been unresponsive because i must have thought that's this is the end because i can't understand words anymore i I simply looked Eva in the eye.

I looked our manager Maggie in the eye. And I continued to make those noises. And then found out the entire time it was not recording. I'll give you credit, though, because you did phonetically say all of those correctly. Thank you. Are you reading it? How did you know? I had it open.

Oh, oh. And I was just like, oh, wow, you really did it. I tried. Like, that was exactly as it was written. Oh, thank you. Do you speak Nessie? I speak a few things. Not English.

Certainly not English, no. The audience wiped tears from their eyes as tissue boxes were passed around by the small land fish. A few more cryptids went next, including a Bigfoot who found out his date was a human in a Bigfoot costume. And Mothman talking about how his date was a little too obsessed with a strange light near the cafe they dined at. Intermission came and a group of black-eyed children came up to sing a few songs for the crowd. I'm glad I don't have to sing that part i'm glad that was skipped in this little uh script for me i imagine it's like allah how the grinch stole christmas and they're swaying you know yeah remember when i did that for a grinch episode oh god i do I do. Last up, Chupi. The wolf-like creature sauntered onto the stage, his tie hanging loose and his button up only half buttoned. A muttered curse was heard as he began.

I was uneasy. We talked for a while. He had a creepy smile. He kept asking me if I could make his time worthwhile. I was getting ready to leave, he asked for my address. I politely declined, got in my car, and then I left. On the way home, the same car behind me. I'm feeling uneasy, I pull into my driveway and head inside. It's now 3am, I wake and have a feeling someone is watching. A silhouette of a wolf on my window. I start peeing.

Oh, that took a turn i certainly didn't see that part coming i was just thinking man this is written so well it's like and then it got to i start peeing and i'm like oh okay well we're back on track i guess it is a dog dog creature that's true he just got excited he got maybe had a wee wee pad on the ground you know yeah he followed me home I won't tolerate this. Grabbed my sheets, soaked in piss. I opened my door. I made the decision on a whim, for I am not proud of this.

Throw them over and strangle him. The audience, save for a few black-eyed children, stayed silent, digesting the fact that Chupi just admitted to a murder in front of 3,000 beings, some of which were most likely related to the victim. Chupi stumbled offstage and the lady in white appeared once again to conclude the night. Thank you everyone for coming to the 405th annual Slam Poetry Night. Thunder echoed through the room and it started pouring rain, a sign for everyone to start slowly filing out.

For the 405th time, the mysterious man in the black cloak grabbed his baked goods and walked sluggishly away. The jazz band faded into the distance, and the creatures all went home until the next annual slam poetry night. Wow. And then Leanna writes, If you got this far, well, crap, hope this wasn't too bad. The end.

It was great, Leanna. I mean, including so many cryptids into one story, writes if you got this far well crap hope this wasn't too bad it was greatly and i mean including so many cryptids into one story was a first i think that was a feat i also gotta say like definitely setting the tone like this is the tone we wanted yeah i and also like you really did um give me a world i wish I could be a part of. Except for the part where like people are just casually admitting that they pee and murder and also someone sleeping with their second cousin. And I'm dead on the floor from eating a poisoned scone. You know, actually, that feels exactly like my area because, you know, I love drama and I like just being the audience of it. So you'd be the one wearing

a costume trying to like blend into the crowd yeah if only if only that's my new dream to just find that that little place you uh you crypt town usa crypt town wow good job christine nailed that's what they called it did they call it crypt town yep i lost that part in the note in my annual crypt town 405th crypt town you know slam poetry event wow i am going oh my god now i'm gonna fall asleep thinking about crypt town every night well they didn't have an auction so i feel like we've got them okay on that yeah we're the philanthropists so yeah all right, the next one. Wow. I was really expecting a long one to to break even with you. But I am lucky and I got myself a little haiku to start things off. OK.

This is from Jay McHugh, who uses she they pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And this hike. Oh, there's three haikus. All right. So the first one is called bigfoot i'm no simple beast my humanity greater than that of a man whoa definition that should be in merriam-webster i think that was powerful and i appreciate there's

a theme here where every one of them is a different cryptid so well that yeah that definitely fits the fits the vibe here it's the bill i didn't i didn't know if we were gonna get three about bigfoot you know what i mean but now i see i see okay so i was bigfoot this one moth woman insert a little feminism in there for you yeah here we go i try to warn them everyone blames a prophet truth shines in my eyes whoa that was good whoa that i would like on a shirt or something that That truth shines in my eyes. I gotta say, you know, everyone wants to kill the messenger, but Mothman was just trying to warn them of the bridge collapse in Point Pleasant. I like to think that this is what she just says to someone in the middle of a road,

and then she just takes off in a flurry, you know? Everyone wants to kill the messenger. Everyone blames a prophet. The next one is nessie am i really here maybe a plesiosaur even i don't know you know what i appreciate the honesty of that one oh but that's powerful it's it's almost like do i even exist if i'm not believed in oh i feel like it's like my identity is like based in what other people think you know what i mean i feel like we analyze that differently because i just took it as like factually of like nessie doesn't even know what the hell she is she's just here for a good

time but like who cares about labels you know i don't know what i am i took it as like oh does a tree okay okay forget it okay all right all right this isn't the book club I don't need to give my analysis of everything you know this is the beauty though of a cryptid poetry slam because it's in poetry I feel like you're supposed to analyze things for yourself but when you throw in mythical creatures the entire time, it's just double the mystery, you know? It is double. You're totally right. It's like, wow, we will never really know the answers. That is such a good point.

And neither will Nessie, apparently. Apparently not, which is ultra tragic. Wow. So thank you. Who sent that in one more time? Jay McHugh. Thank you, Jay McHugh. That was really powerful stuff.

Okay, so the next one i have here says hello eva m the hersene shifter hi and other assorted other creatures and cryptids my name is sarah she her writing from atlanta georgia and originally from the little tiny canadian border town of bidet minnesota and i would be delighted to be part of this year's cryptid poetry slam this is like a cover letter you you know, alongside the poem. Very exciting. My poem is below. Please note that it comes from the heart that I keep in a box under my bed.

Wow. Oh, okay. Is this the poem? This is the cover letter still. I think that's, yeah, I think that's the preface of, I want you to know this is where I stand with this. This is where I hide things under my bed my partner patrick and i love the show thank you for always exploring talk

topics in a kind and thoughtful way and seriously m i know you worry about doing too many stories about ghosts and i'm just here to tell you you can never do too many stories about ghosts i for one agree agree with that so everyone say i okay love sarah she her team milkshake all right so this one is called tear stained trail by sarah epic palm she her home alone as always on a friday night in june the tears fast come unbidden as I contemplate the moon. I used to think that someday I would find someone like me, but now I worry constantly that love will never be. Wandering through the dark swamp, I pass a pond and freeze. The eyes staring out of the water glow against a backdrop of trees.

I stifle a cry before bleating and wonder whether to run. But the thing in the pond has not shifted an inch, so maybe my life isn't done. With unease, I take a step nearer, and the creature takes a step too. Until we're nose to nose, and I see it up close, and I let out a hearty boo-hoo. With skin that's misfitting and warted, and with dark moles to add to its woes, the thing in the pond looks exactly like me right down to my left foot's webbed toes as i turn from my reflection prepared to dissolve into tears i realize there's something so silly about how i'm consumed by my fears i am a creature of darkness

and all of the world dreads my honk it's time i learn to love myself because i'm the fearsome squonk oh i love that the writing are you dr seuss what's going on here wow sarah wow that was that was very very good very just epic epic i i was confused up until the uh the left the webbed toes on the left foot. I was like, that's specific. I feel like I've covered that before. That is like the definition of specific. Yeah, right. Oh my gosh, who was that from?

That was from Sarah. She, her, Team Milkshake. Well done, Sarah. Well done. We've got another one here. I don't see a name name i think this one was anonymous okay perfect and uh the preface here is this cryptid poem would best be read by m oh well perfect here we go good for you uh and, here we go. Why, hello.

I am amongst the trees and I see you there. I've caught you peeking and prowling around my lair. There in my sight, frozen you stand. Flight and fight don't seem to be your moves at hand. My name, you ask? Can you not guess? Let's make it a game, or rather, a test. Your eyes meet mine. It makes me rage. I would rather see you inside of a cage.

I roam the forest free from sight. Across my path, and you'll feel my might. I may appear small, but my fury is wild. Go ahead, cross me, and I might steal your child. I wasn't always this creature of anger and detest. I was once a kind being, one here to protect. Magic, you ask? Why I use it with ease? Oh, my dear, I'll show you, should I so please. I use it with ease. Oh, my dear, I'll show you, should I so please. I hope you hear me and heed my cry. But for you, it is too late. You've since stepped inside. Don't be afraid. You've sealed your own fate. I'll be following you now, so no need to make haste. My name you ask, can you not guess? I made it a game, or rather my test. Now you've seen me amongst the trees. My name you still seek?

I am known as Emothy of the Pukwudgies. That was the first one I hadn't heard yet from because even i realized we were talking to nobody i i didn't even see that i read this and i didn't even see that i didn't see my own name until the last line wow i did not i knew it was a puck wedgie but i didn't know it was emothy of the puck wedgies i didn't even know it was a puck wedgie i was like stealing your children what in the world for a moment i thought it was the lorax i speak for the trees oh yeah yeah yeah and then it was like oh but i'll steal your children i was like i don't remember the lorax

doing that part but um i don't remember me doing this part either but um i well that was very well done very well done that was beautiful oh well that's me you know to be a that's of all the cryptids that's one of my favorites anyway so i'm happy i think they probably sensed that because i feel like that's a great fit um i can definitely see that that you joining them joining their numbers you know i yeah 100 oh my gosh well thank you anon i'm beautiful i love it love Love it. Love it. Okay. So this one is from Jesse.

She, her. Who says, hello, Eva, Emma, and Christine. I can't believe it's August, which means that the summertime is almost over. But it also means that it's unscripted time again. Here is my submission. Okay. Uh-oh. This one.

All right. So as I said, I have not gotten this far in the poems yet so i do not know what is about to happen except that the title of this one is called the hersene shifter strikes again uh what is gonna happen i don't know but uh after your puck wadgie thing i can only imagine yeah well good luck to you saying it and good luck to me having to listen to it because I'm nervous about where the shifter is going to end up at the end of this. Okay, here we go. What was that noise? What was that sound? Em and Christine both looked around. Did it come from behind you? Em asked Christine. I thought that it came from your side of the screen. It sounded so strange, Christine said, looking worried, almost as if it were otherworldly.

Did it come from the ground? Did it come from the sky? Maybe it's Walter who's back to say hi. I'm all out of booze, so that can't be it. Was it the whirring of an alien ship? Or was it the squonk crying sad, ugly tears? Is he afraid of the world's taunts and jeers? We need to find out. We need to confirm.

Was it the hiss of the tussle worm? Could it have been Bigfoot? The Mothman? A demon? Any of those would have me screaming. This is so good. Perhaps it's the impish call of Pukwudgies, signaling mischief to all of their buddies.

Or maybe, said Em, this could be related to the bone-chilling internet tale of Dear David. Did it sound like a scream, a hoot, or a holler? Has anyone heard the Fresno Nightcrawler? What is going on here? Or Christine said, her voice soft as a mouse, a serial killer could be loose in my house. Oh my god.

Wait, the alarm's on, she said with relief. Let's take a moment and try to debrief. It isn't a killer, a cryptid or specter, and all of our guesses have just been conjecture. My guess, said Em, is still Walter the Ghost. He misses our podcast, he's fully engrossed. Christine rolled her eyes and glanced down at her feet. When she looked up, her face was as white as a sheet. was as white as a sheet. Um, she said sheepishly, I have to confess. I know what the noise was. There's no need to guess. I was cleaning my trash pile earlier today and I moved things around out of the way.

I put this on the ground before I went to record. I'm embarrassed to say I stepped on the soundboard. Oh my God. That, I, whoa. That was, oh my god that i whoa that was for that was so good i'm stunned especially the i mean first of all i thought for a second we were going to go through every every cryptid i've ever covered on this show that was nearly incredible might. We might have almost, you know, Totsal Worm even, wow. Someone either went through the episode guide

or is a devout fan, which is like, either way I'm impressed. And then all of that nonsense just for it to be Christine, what, of course, and it was literally called the Hurstine Shifter Strikes Back. I totally forgot.

I saw, like it said, like, I didn't know what was coming, but it said, look down. And I was like, did my saw like it said like like i didn't know what was coming but it said look down and i was like did my rothys do something i don't know but wow i was not expecting that and lo and behold it really is some bullshit that i pull on a regular basis so i wonder you know after writing that uh dear writer whoever you were what was your name jesse jesse i feel like every time something happens in your house now you can just you have a you have an excuse it's like oh well it was probably just someone using their feet where they shouldn't have yeah especially if the sound is that's probably me especially if it's a laugh track on something horrible or crickets when i

try to make a joke yeah well that well, that part just happens naturally. Okay, well, whatever. All right. Thank you so much, Jessie. This next one is from Sarah. She uses she, her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And the subject is primal, a Mothman poem.

Finally. And the word primal, I don't know, maybe i'm just like a sycophant but when i hear primal i am i associate it with erotica a sycophant wow you should write a poem uh isn't well hmm i maybe i'm maybe i stand alone there but i am aware that we got quite a lot of well I think it's a combination of primal and mothman and poem and our show because I think in the past really this the context here is usually that this is erotic um in nature but Eva did say we got there was really a big shift in this year's submissions that everyone wasn't just leaning into the kind of mothman erotic times yeah yeah yeah apparently people kind of moth man erotica yeah

yeah yeah apparently people kind of branched out a little bit so i mean okay it remains to be seen but i think you're probably at least on the right it's at least a good guess it's a good guess but i guess primal could just mean like like something else but i in my head i've landed on this is going to be spicy so um let's see how spicy it gets hello eva m christine animals petrified fruits and babies i have a mothman slam poem for you and it gets a little kinky sorry not sorry love the show eva make you read this i'm so excited i think you know what just how you felt uncomfortable earlier uh when you were having to read things to her during the live show imagine if eva had to say this to you oh my god eva probably pulled the plug on that show just to avoid this you know i don't know how she would have done that

but she was like um whatever i have to do she had like a secret signal with rachel and was like shut it down code red I know what's coming. Code red. Okay. Here we go. Hungry, glowing eyes peer into my soul. Inky black frame towering over me. Imposing figure.

Butterflies in my stomach. Strong hands. Large wings. Fly me away from me here. I am your prey and i don't mind that was a little spicy that was a little spicy and i don't mind oh i hmm well done well that was that was the perfect amount that was definitely i could tolerate that if i my like mom had to be in the room you know what i mean like it's almost like suggestive without being like over the top you know yeah yeah it was like a fun little it's

like i imagine if mothman had an instagram someone could d DM that to him and like kind of get away with it. You know what I'm saying? Slide on in there. Yeah. It's sort of like a nice little play on words, you know? Yeah. Well done,

Sarah. You know, I love when you say it like that. Okay. Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you, Sarah.

All right. I have another doozy here. This is from Shady Sadie. Shady Sadie. What is going on with you? We've just recently talked about Shady Sadie for some reason. Shady just gets in on the game no matter what the game is. And I love that.

Okay. So I'm just going to read it to you. It's called The Watcher in the Wall. Oh, for God's sake. That is creepy. Of course it would have to be's called The Watcher in the Wall. Oh, for God's sake. That is creepy. Of course it would have to be written by someone named Shady Sadie. I know, it really does fit the bill. I traveled far to find this home.

I've been in nicer houses than this. This ramshackle farmhouse on an island man named after himself. How narcissistic humans can be to think this island is theirs, as if they had been there all along in the time before time began. But humans are new, infantile creatures, hardly more than sightless kits before the never-ending chasm of time. I admit in this form I am as young as they are, bound to this earth in a prison of fur and flesh.

There are worse prisons. The family here is entertaining, at least. I've grown quite fond of them. I talk to them when it suits me. We share the gossip of neighbors, and they feed me well. Sometimes I play tricks on them for devilment. They are my pets. Many have asked what I am. I am a freak. If you saw me, you'd faint. You'd be petrified, mummified, turned into stone or a pillar of salt. I am the fifth dimension, the eighth wonder of the world. I am an earthbound spirit, a ghost in the form of a mongoose. But most importantly, I am a Gemini.

Call me Jeff. Vanish! By Jeff the Talking Mongoose, translated from Flemish into English by Shady Sadie. I was, okay, well, I was going to say, like, that one feels like you got, you plagiarized a little bit there, because I knew some of those quotes. That came straight out of a mongoose's mouth last I checked. That's who wrote the poem. It was just translated. I was incorrect.

It wasn't written by Shady Sadie. It was just translated. Translated by Shady Sadie. Yeah. And the fact that it was just translate i was i was incorrect it wasn't written by shady sadie it was just translated by shady sadie yeah and uh either way i'm fine with that i was not gonna like so good was not mad about the the potential plagiarism there i was like you you know what after all the pomfoolery and devilment he's been up to i think the fact that he yells vanish at the end of his poem is just so perfect. I still think Jeff the Talking Monk is probably my favorite pseudo cryptid situation that we've ever done. I mean, Gemini and a half. Like, call me Jeff. I'm a Gemini.

And then vanish. I'm done with you. I really I would like to just like how with this apartment how I've begun calling it the manor with Allison I really would like to just start leaving rooms just going vanish and just I know that's just I mean I don't see a problem with that. I just remember we said that during the episode and and he would yell vanish when he was done with people to like make them vanish. It was sort of it wasn't even like i'm vanishing it was like okay you're done now vanish and i just remember being like that is a power move i you

know i think if i ever had to go um redo notes of any story i thought would be one of the first ones i picked for sure it's just so good at that though it was a it was a big one it was a big one it might be another big one. I know we always say, oh, we'll start doing retellings. But I don't know. That's definitely on the top of the list. That's such a good one. Shady Sadie, well done with your translating.

Well done. All right. Here is Erica, who uses she, her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And here is this little cryptid poem for us. I started along my favorite path, as I had many times before, eating some berries, a shrew, and a few squirrels too. When in the distance I saw a figure, then a flash of bright light. I heard them yell, look, there's Bigfoot. They pointed and

laughed. I turned to run, the wind in my eyes making me cry. I told myself as I tripped through the bushes and brush, in times like these, I remember these wise words. Those silly beings don't even know. They're the ones whose feet are entirely too small. That's nice. I like that. He has a little affirmation or something of like, I've had perfectly sized feet. Yeah.

It's like when people tell my dad, like, Oh, what's your, like your accent. He goes, you're the one with the accent. Yeah,

exactly. Like, why are you calling me big foot? I'm just hanging out in the woods by myself, all you little small feet, you know? I'm called Normalfoot now. Can you smallfoot you? Well, actually, Littlefoot is the name of that dinosaur, huh? You know what?

So I love and hate that they called him Littlefoot when it was obviously he should have been called Bigass Neck, you know? Okay. All right, Em, you write your own poetry next time, all right? Sorry about that. Okay. Well, anyway, thank you so much, Erica. I appreciate it. You gave me a new perspective on how Bigfoot sees the world.

That's actually, it is, I like the way you phrased it, Emma, as an affirmation, you know? He deserves that affirmation. Yeah. He looks in the mirror every day and he goes, your feet aren't that big. It's okay. Your feet are just fine. They're perfect. The squonk is looking in the water and going, everything about you is terrible and wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. This Bigfoot seems to be the polar opposite of that squonk. It's like just as positive as can be. Yeah. If anyone needs an affirmation, it it's mr squonk okay so this next one i have here is from jules thank you jules and jules says uh oh it starts well i'll read the title a video of sasquatch noises or maybe i'm just dramatic probably parentheses probably both

yeah well that's how we like it anyway. So that's why I would have preferred it that way. Plus a haiku. So this is a little bit of everything. I'm going to read the haiku first. It says, Tending to my pets. Did I just hear a Sasquatch?

The goats aren't worth it. That's sad. I appreciate that one where it's just like, you know i uh i i'm on your side on that one i get it it's like you know i always say don't open the door unless you really really have to the ghosts will fend for themselves you know you get it yeah you're loud yeah yeah i like that one okay and now here it says hi eva and maybe everyone else i wrote in last year about the sasquatch vet do you remember that kind of i vaguely remember there was a story about a sasquatch vet that's that's about as much as i remember which is exactly also only remember that i remember. I remember exactly the theme.

I remember us saying, you need to send us more information. So I don't know if that's what's happening here, but maybe, maybe not. So it says they, KT and Jake, both listened and told me that I'm very dramatic with my storytelling. But KT is still a Sasquatch vet and Jake still believes he saw Bigfoot and Mothman. So it's fine. Oh, wait. I kind of do remember this now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then also says PS KT totally wants to do a Q&A thing someday. Okay.

Now that I can get on board with because we do have a lot of questions. Yeah. I love that KT is like, Jules, you're not allowed to answer the questions because you're so dramatic. I'll answer the questions. Yeah. I need a whole Q&A panel. Just for me. But you're honestly very, very uppity about this story.

You're so dramatic, though. Okay, it says, I'm here with a very short story about how I might have heard Sasquatch a few nights ago. And Eva also attached a video here so i'm going to play it for you m in a moment or at least whenever whenever it says uh go time in here so here's the story my dogs woke me up around 2 30 a.m they were barking but not in an aggressive way more in a hey mom there's something happening that we don't understand way oh god unfortunately we've had a bobcat sneaking in at night and stealing my chickens they even stole oh one of the babies now a full-grown hen wait hang on they stole she made it she survived oh no it gets more dramatic

oh they stole one of the babies now full-grown hen that my hen named Christine hatched on the day that Christine, the shifter, announced her pregnancy with Leona. Wow. A lot of, a lot of poultry ties here. Wait, so who died? Did one of them die? I don't know. Did Christine die?

No. But you know what you have in common with a chicken? My name? You're both foul. It's so stupid. Okay. They stole the babies that Christine the hen hatched. Oh, that's sad.

Wait. But it says now a full-grown hen. I'm wondering if maybe he brought her back. Yeah, I'm sure. That was a very kind Bobcat. Okay. So I guess it stole one of christine's babies that's very sad um i wandered outside and was trying to set up a camera to watch my chicken coop when i heard a very loud whoop from behind my house there i was thinking is this what it feels like to be a step beyond fear oh step beyond fear is alternating caps with asterisks and little squiggles.

Yeah, yeah. Like in a way message. Like in a way message. I'm a step beyond fear. That does sound like something I would have put after my Gavin DeVraw lyrics in my way message. Well, it was. I hightailed it back to my porch and told my dogs that the goats weren't worth it. I went inside and listened to animal sounds on YouTube for several hours and couldn't find anything that could compare to the whoop sound I'd heard, other than videos from other people who were trying to figure out what the sound was. I also found out that night that there have been a ton of Sasquatch sightings on the other side of my hill. And then there's a link to those reports, actually. From the BFRO, which is the biggest Bigfoot research.

Is that research organization? Is that what that is? And they're very picky, by the way, about their membership. You can't just get in. Oh, I see. Do you know that from personal experience? Maybe I've looked into it and maybe I've said, never mind. That sounds like a lot.

My security cameras did catch a clip of the sound and of me running back to my house I will include the clips because they're golden the clip with the sasquatch sound is the zoomed in shot of my face yikes and the sound is right around the four second mark I hope you enjoy the videos either way I spend my days assembling eDNA filters and listening to your wonderful voices. Fun fact, the filters that I build are often used by Sasquatch hunting groups. I like to think that someday my dramatic DNA, which is inevitably on every filter that I assemble, might be hanging out on a filter with some Sasquatch DNA.

Can you imagine the sci-fi film where they get crossed? Oh my God. That could be its own scandal where they think they got Sasquatch DNA And it's just a human And they're like wait was he one of us all along Oh my god Was it Jules all along Also I wonder

If you having this kind of connection Into the BFRO Maybe you can get yourself on that Very long wait list Well I mean if their friend is literally a Bigfoot vet, they probably don't even need to get on a wait list. You just walk into the meetings. They might already be part of it.

I'm already here, yeah. I mean, so, okay, so there's two clips. I haven't seen any of these. So do you have them up? They're like the next. I can't have them up. Yes. Okay.

Should we watch the first one at the same time yes okay ready set go okay we watched the clips i think the funniest part is um seeing jules running um away on camera it's funny and so all of a sudden you realize it's actually probably very scary frightening and and the titles of the files are called, the first one is Not Today Sassy. So that's fun. It felt targeted, actually. So, yikes. So I will say, Jules, you are dramatic, but that's a good thing.

You know what I'm saying? Like, we are too. Yeah, if your friends are telling you that you're too dramatic, tell them you're so dramatic you could find new friends, you know? Yeah, and you found them right here, okay? Yeah, exactly. And also, I had trouble hearing, but I can't tell, I'm not good at nature. I have trouble understanding what's sound that I'm supposed to be hearing and what's not.

But I believe you. Let's just put it that way. You heard something weird, I believe you. I don't need to, like like know it myself to be true. Everyone get it on a shirt. Christine's quote of the day. I'm not good at nature. We've got another lovely poem here.

This one's from Tara or Tara. I never. Oh, Tara. Oh, thank you for telling me how to pronounce it in here. Because as I was about to say, I'm a mess with this one with this name okay hi emothy christine eva and all the other lovely creatures and petrified fruit my name is tara she her pronouns thank you for normalizing pronouns and i'm a cancer i love a good cancer uh thank you for all you do and for keeping me sane on my longest work days. Here is my poem for you called Cryptid Lore. Is it real or a figment of our imagination?

A pseudoscience or pure speculation? Do cryptids exist in truth or in mind? Either way, there are many for us to find. Driving at night, when your headlights see red, a stately winged creature stands straight ahead. Terrifyingly large, he creeps in the night.

The mothman doth scare, and my, what a fright. Rumored to be taken by the devil upon its birth, Mother Leeds didn't want it, though the truth we can't unearth. Its figure grotesque, deep chills its scream brings,

the Jersey Devil with its horn, red eyes, hooves, and wings. Mainly nocturnal and seven feet tall, is it man or is it ape? Wonder us all A forest dwelling bipedal With footprints long and wide Call him Bigfoot or Sasquatch Do you approach or do you hide? A goat-like anomaly

Most elusive of all Protecting forest creatures Both large and small The creature must sweat As its nest is too hot Trinkets strewn about protecting forest creatures, both large and small. The creature must sweat as its nest is too hot. Trinkets strewn about. No. A neat freak it is not.

Scents of citrus abound and signs it drinks wine. Anxious of humans believed Gemini sign. This one doth exist for I've seen it with my own eyes america's her scene shifter a podcast host in disguise believe it or not the lore is quite fun the mystery is everywhere my poem is done my prose was quite long i hope you it made you think We love all of our cryptids and that's why we drink. That was so good. I love it. Well done. Oh, wow. That was a good one. That was beautiful. I'm so proud to be in it. I'm so honored. Right on the fridge, right on the spooky fridge is where that would go. I mean, just frame it, frame it, frame frame them all i'm so impressed with all of you christine what does it feel like as someone with a gemini's ego

to just be inserted in so many of these like amazing i appreciate that someone threw me a bone by just calling me like king of the puck wedgies or something but yeah that that part was fun too like a little little. It was a nice little... That one felt more like lore. You were starting to feel more and more like a true... Like an actual... Like a discovered being every day. I've seen it with my own eyes.

Well, thank you, Tara. Well, thank you. Okay, so this is, I guess, a bonus story or a bonus submission that eva uh told us to read so i'm going to read it here um so it says kia ora which is hello from new zealand uh please see my attached poem it's called the ballad of lunar lemon oh lunar lemon for people who don't know lunar lemon isn't uh it was my try at an anagram for leona well there's a few gonna be revealed in the pod in the poem i mean but i see okay i just didn't know if anyone else knew the significance of the title yeah but yes so spoiler alert that's that's what this is about and this this is from Lizzie Sheher.

Thank you, Lizzie. Here we go. The Ballad of Lunar Lemon by Lizzie Robert Shaw Sheher. On the very first day of October, a brand new cryptid was born. With full leonine teeth and libran of soot. Part healer, part caster, part fruit. With a father who healed with a magical blaze and a caster of pods for a mooty just how did this cryptid then come to be part healer part caster

part fruity on the date of conception no details will be mentioned something was under the mattress small shriveled and cit, it made their babe cryptic. Part healer, part caster, part citrus. While this cryptic can bite, she's a real delight, even when she awakes at full moon. But at least now she's tamed by Funkle M's games, as well as the ceiling above. Leona Renee, Lunar Lemon, a.k.a. part healer, parter part caster part fruit and all love the end that is gonna make me cry that's so sweet she's a little lemon cryptid that's very sweet oh so oh well that i like the writing that the cadence of that one i hope i read it correctly i i'm not i think

i tried i i don't know it seemed seemed good to me this is nice i want to frame this that's very very sweet but your poor baby one day is gonna be like what the hell is a lunar she's gonna find this in my documents like looking for her birth certificate be like what the fuck god uh i think is this is there one last one um nope this was the this was the bonus one this was the okay the last one so i think now we're gonna announce the winners right so thank you everybody for submitting your poems and wow wow Wow, wow, wow. Amazing. I'm very grateful that we have such very, very lovely listeners who are willing to give us this 2.0 experience. So I'm just very happy to be here because the first time around, it almost didn't happen. It's sort of a 2.5 experience yeah i'm not trying to make it about anything or i'm not trying to like keep bringing that up but i just want to let everyone know i i'm very excited to finally get

to read these christine had a little bit of insight and so this i'm just excited to be here and i'm glad that i got to read everything so yay all right on to the winners on to the winners and again if there's something where you're like darn it i wish i had bid first of all we're gonna probably do a third annual next year so you be prepared to put your bid in next year um and second of all check out these small businesses and you know go go support them and buy something uh off their site if you are interested yes uh so for the creepy coat starter kit again made by sarah g find them at sarah g makes on etsy uh the winner is anna o3 for 206 dollars for the spooky friends box we have n n y l how do you say Y-L-M-I-R-B Nynnelmerb Brim, oh, Brimlin Backward, maybe, for

$380. Thank you. For the Mothman Earrings and Podcast Bracelet Bundle, the winner is Franz for $70. For the Coffee from the Other Side package, that was Tara H for

$199. For the Sweet Spooky Custom custom illustration by art of angela the winner is heather j 497 for 550 oh for the mothman my body my choice bucket hat a personal favorite of mine by dulcet label the winner was justine p for 199 a signed copy of our book wow my lucky number two two two that is to moon toasters congratulations moon toast two two two just for you and that's so sweet very well it's very very sweet thank you the cryptid cannery's tommy knocker's taster box by the cryptid cannery the winner was shay lynn 87 for 90 the signed cryptids unscripted poster uh this is l.o.l lol ah ha ha we both got there uh for a hundred dollars for the baked bread and and that's why we drink soy candles by the burlap bag. The winner was Carrie L for $121. For the Woodland Krypton Basket from Of Land and Seaco.

The winner is Kristen N for $130. And then there's the Snallygaster Museum Gift Basket, which was won by Trina's Blue Ocean for $110. The planchette necklace that Christine wears all the time by Noah Walsh Jewelry. The winner was Liz Fleziewicz for $190. Fleziewicz. What is wrong with me? Literally, it says Fleziewicz, and I just picked a different word, apparently. I like that you picked a different name.

Liz Fleziewicz for $190. And then the moon earrings, the Christine Moon earrings, were also purchased by Liz purchased by liz fliz whatever m said the first time flazewski flazewski for 180 dollars from noelle walsh oh my gosh two pairs wow congratulations basically play cosplay as me which is so fun for the uh crystal dildos let's be clear uh by self ceremony uh the winner is what is tara for 255 tara is having a good time is what tara is tara's at least going to display them somewhere i hope so at the very least so the creepy crate winner um plus the 50 gift card to ghost hunt weekends was won by amanda elizabeth for 230 the palm reading with nicole from modern palmist and the hands for healing oracle deck were won by jenkins for 275 the lavender amethyst co flower pot candles the zach

bagans and serial killer candles were won by kiku 92 for 190 dollars the five card tarot nope the five card virtual tarot reading the 30-minute session with madam adam the winner is j underscore carol 82 for 210 the lemon jewelry bundle by sarah g makes was won by suzanna and David J. for $100. The super secret mystery tarot cards that even we know nothing else about was won by Haley C. for $220. And that's where we drink merch bundle that I guess we donated. I don't say I guess we donated.

Yes, we did donate it, but we're the small business. The winner of that was Haley c again for 210 dollars and all that uh thank you for everyone the total donations for the national abortion federation is four thousand three hundred and ninety seven dollars so incredible i'm just so delighted and honored to everybody who contributed and made this happen yeah Yeah. Thank you so much for being a part of another Cryptids Unscripted with our own Cryptid co-hosting with me. That's a first.

You were not out of the cryptid closet last time. That's true. Oh, that's a good poetry idea. Out of the cryptid closet. Oh my God. Somebody? Anybody? Okay.

Well, we'll probably see it next time for our third annual. And then again, we've said it before, but we will have less tech problems. We've got a year to prep for that. So gosh, fingers crossed it will actually be live and also my body won't fail. So fingers crossed on both of those things. Claps or snaps for Em's heart. crossed on both of those things claps snaps for m's heart well snaps for uh everyone uh you know letting us give you a second try at this and i hope everyone's having a great weekend and uh hope you had a nice little drinky drink while you listen to these lovely poems and thanks to everyone who wrote in thanks everybody we will see you next time and that's why we drink