Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Allergies Are Just Being A Woman

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

This week Andrew, Akaash, and Alexx discuss KD to BK, best flagrant lips, allergies being a woman’s problem, AD to LA, Doc being salty, Rockets poking at getting Jimmy Butler, and much more. INDULGE!!! Want to experience the full episode? Join the Patreon army! www.Patreon.com/Flagrant2

That shit be difficult bro That shit be fucking with you You notice that with me? You got weak hands Son I do Like his hands are just like dainty What do you mean like grip? Yo I be feeling like such a fucking cock bro

But you can throw punches Yeah but it's different like Like tightening shit You talking about your palms are weak yeah like if i need to tighten something like i gotta ask al to do that shit for me sometimes bro it's just mad embarrassing it's like a girl asking to open a pickle jar get the grip shit are we recording this yeah get the grip shit i don't know man like i can't be one of them workout dudes walking around with that grip shit all day like i got oh you got five minutes that's motherfuckers

to beat their wives and they're trying to like like I got oh you got five minutes that's motherfuckers that beat their wives and they're trying to like get off it let me tell you something that's the blade serum for beating your wife let me tell you something you know how you like

you just need to get the aggression out of your system you just like it's just like you it's like it's

what it does is like it makes a fist but it pushes it out and that's what you gotta like remember next time you're about to ball that fist up

and just beat your wife you just remember that little thing you squeeze on to like remember next time you're about to ball that fist up and just beat your wife. You just remember that little thing you squeeze on to like push your hand out. Keep it open handed. Speaking of hands, this guy had the fucking Adams family it hand. Oh, people were commenting on you. I didn't even mean that shit. That shit was hilarious.

Bro, you saw the video? You showed me. I think I showed you the video. Did you see it because people were commenting? Yeah, yeah. Because I saw the comments at like 939, Andrew's hand. Yeah, because y'all make fun of my weak ass hands. I was trying to work them to the side so I could open some goddamn jars. You know how embarrassing that shit is, bro?

What is it? What do you have to help me with? It's on everything. No, but there was a specific thing that I couldn't do and it was very embarrassing. Tightening this. Tightening this, but I got better at that. I just got to use both hands. Yo, this one right here, I got better at that I just gotta use both hands Yo like this one right here I gotta

I gotta come around The motherfucker And put like I gotta put I gotta put tendons in it It's like Thai massage You gotta use your weight You gotta use gravity

You know what I'm talking about Yo son There was a specific thing I don't remember What that shit is But like Alex needed to Like I was really

Oh that's what it was It was the The scooter I was trying really oh that's what it was it was the scooter I was trying to adjust the seat no it was bikes I think we rented bikes and I was trying to adjust the seat you know how like you spin it

and then push it in not say nothing and just leave that bitch parked I just looked at him and felt bad I was like I got it though cause I try my thumb comes out

I see him look at my thumb it goes out look at that so if i push down i'm like this guy keeps going you gotta get a blister and shit then they will never hear the end of him having a blister i do get blisters easy actually that's funny that you notice that like if i exercise and shit anyway what's up welcome to flagrant no easy buckets analysis by asshole water Commentary for your sports needs. This is the Patreon episode. Our boy Real Life Kaz is not with us today.

He got some family stuff. So we're making sure that everything's good with him. Wishing him well. Wishing the fam well. You guys put him in your wishes as well. But now let's get back to the show. I had like a fucking revelation today, Akash. What's that?

Son, I got pollen, bro. No, it's called allergy. I got allergies, bro. Yes. I got pollen. I got- It's not STD, son. I've been diagnosed with pollen.

You said I got pollen. No, I said the pollen's high. That's what's making the not STD, son. I've been diagnosed with pollen. You said I got pollen. No, I said the pollen's high. That's what's making it. Oh, okay. So the pollen. All right. Basically, last night, I ate a lot of Mexican food. Right.

And my throat was mad dry. So, I'm thinking the Mexican food was salty or some shit like that. I'm thinking, or maybe I had some sort of allergy. Right. Right. I had two margaritas, salted rim. Salt on the rim.

Yeah. Right. My throat was mad dry. I kept drinking water. Dry, dry, dry, dry,

dry. I showed up to Brilliant Idiots. Al, you were looking like shit. You look horrible. You look like dog shit. That's every day. Not every day.

Not when we hit the road. Oh, yeah. You get that shape up before you hit the road. Alex don't like it if he don't get that shape up. Really? Oh, he goes on a plane fly. Planes like church for black people. It might be my one time they see me, so I got to represent black people well. True. We went to some white places.

We're going to places that don't have black people, son. Indianapolis? Dairy Farm? Let me tell you something about white people who don't know black people. They never notice a clean shape up. I'll tell you that right now. I'll save you $30 a week. If you don't know black people, you never know

when they need a haircut. You know what? I got to switch sides. I got to go with Akash on this one. He might have just convinced me. Yeah, I think I'm with Akash on that one. I think that white people

just assume that's how black people look. Yeah, straight up. You just look clean shaven and your haircuts just look short. So I ha that white people just assume that's how black people look. Yeah, straight up. You just look clean shaven and your haircuts just look short. So I hairline to just like box. Like an android. What is that android commercial?

With the twins that you fucking hated? Remember the Puerto Rican twins that were doing some Samsung commercial and you fucking hated them? Yeah, I think they violently hated these twins. Why'd I hate on them so hard? I don't know.

You were like, I can't figure out how but I fucking hate these dudes. And I remember you tweeted it. We were at a hotel doing a show somewhere and mad people were like, yo, I fucking hate those guys.

The ones doing all that shit? Yeah. Yeah, that stupid ass move. Whatever. We haven't changed this move yet? Nah. This is every breakdance is just like that. It's like the new this shit.

You know what I mean? Rock back and forth. Is that the Superman? That hoe? No, that's when black people, like when they start breakdancing or breakdances, they take that like step back and sway. Oh, the set up steps. The set up steps.

That's the new set up steps is this shit. Hold on. Black people breakdance? Nah, Asians. I should have said Asians. That's an Asian art form. Yeah, they took it from us. They really did.

Because they're nice. All right, so son, so back to my pollen. So he tells me that the pollen count is really high. That's why I thought I had pollen. Yeah. And that's why I've had dry throat. My whole life, I thought that I get a cold every once in a while and I have dry throat. My whole life until today, that's allergies.

Because allergies for me, when other people had them was your eyes are watery and your nose. You don't get that. You just get dry throat. My whole life until today, that's allergies. Because allergies for me, when other people had them, was your eyes are watery and your nose is... You don't get that. You just get dry throat. Dry throat. That's a great allergy. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

What? What's the big deal? I've been drinking gallons of water and it don't change. That don't sound that bad, to be honest. I guess you're right. It's just a dry throat.

I wish that was all I felt. Suck some dick, it'll probably lube it right up. Tearing nose about that yeah you you get the whole thing you get allergies see i think i just got pollen i think you guys got allergies i think it's called pollen when you have just dry throat you got the pollen i got pollen throat you got pollen just lubricate the vocal cords yeah but you know he's never considered this his entire life. I thought I had cold. Every year this happens to him.

People talk about allergies all the time. Yeah, but Andrew don't think shit like that affects him. Ah, that's true. I mean, it never occurs to him that some negative shit like that. That's like bitch shit to him. Like, he probably didn't realize he had a weak grip until you start, like, I mean, he probably just thought something was wrong with the seat. Son, that was demoralizing do you know what it's like to be trying to get some shit open and then gotta go hey al son i know what all of it is like look at me ain't nothing i don't know what it's

like son but i got bravado i could do anything do you lean into your bitch shit i'm over here i'm superman i know i'm six two i got big hands. I should be able to open shit. I got to go like this. I got to go, hey, Al, Al, can we remember a second? And then he's going to say real loud in front of other people trying to get the bikes out like, oh, you need help with your seat? You need me to fix your seat? Like, I'm five years old.

I can't fix my motherfucking seat, bro. The guy fixing my seat, is this okay height? Like, I'm his bitch and shit, bro. I'm not your bitch, Al. Al, don't be adjusting my seat like that. I know how to treat a lady, so. Yo, real talk. Chivalry.

Can we talk about chivalry? Yeah. Because I was thinking about some chivalry, bro. Yeah. Because I struggle with this door I think I need to get back in the gym son oh gosh

it was a wind tunnel or something I struggle with son I push him with my hands and I moved do you know that scene in the movie where like both cartoons throw the fireball at each other

and the fireballs are competing that door was body and me that door had the blue fireball my feet were sliding bro i had to put my shoulder into the door yeah yeah that's the move you just lean a little shoulder onto it right there good money i'm just saying i think chivalry was pragmatic yeah it's not trying to get it's not like oh you're just trying to get pussy Right there. Good money. I'm just saying, I think chivalry was pragmatic. Yeah. It's not like, oh, you're just trying to get pussy. Yeah.

It's like, if I couldn't open that door, there's no way women could open that door. Right. So we probably had to open doors for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it wasn't like we're trying to get laid. It was like we were trying to go to work. We were trying to leave the house, you know? All right, bitch, you can't just get out the way. This is what I'm saying.

They didn't have hollow doors until. It's Alex with the bike seat. Exactly. He wasn't trying to fuck. You was trying to take a ride on a bike. I mean, speak for yourself. He was trying to fuck.

Wait, do you know what I'm saying though? Like. You think that's how gators decide who's top and who's bottom? Then it's like, like the second you got to adjust some shit for your man, you're like, all right, I'm fucking him. That's how that works.

So you're saying I would be a bottom based on my hand strength? You would have to be a bottom based on that. Yeah, but who would want me to jerk him off? You got nice soft hands, bro. I got soft hands, but I don't have enough grip for that traction. My hands would be slopping right off of it. They just slide right off. Son, you trying to like scrape off skin? Yeah, son.

Like it's supposed to be a nice- You want a smooth ride, dog? Son, I got a pedicure yesterday. You got Goodyear tire hands, son. It is- All traction. Son, I got this pedicure yesterday. No, I'm getting a pedicure.

Right. Here's this guy's- I had a very feminine week. Yeah, margar feminine week I got pollen I got pedicures Pollen is feminine Yeah Ain't it just makes you a girl right

Crying for no reason Nose hurts Thirsty You just a girl All allergies is you become a woman Right you never know if a bitch got allergies, right? You're like, you're just being you. Aren't you just being you today?

Y'all complaining that it's cold everywhere? I need a blanket. I need a blanket. Yo, what did girls do before blankets? Real talk. I don't fucking know. How y'all even made it this far in human evolution? You're always cold.

They just got fucked. That's that's why bro stay warm yo that's you know we should have never made jackets you know how loyal women were back in the day when the only way they were warm is when we came back like you just had to be cold all day keeping yourself busy like let's pick some berries i guess we can't just sit here and be freezing right Right? And then the dude came back and you're like, finally! Room temp! Right? Like, they needed us. Now they don't need us. That's the only reason they want to cuddle.

That's the only reason. And we warm so that shit gets hot after a while. Bro, it's so hot. You don't like cuddling, Al? No. I like it on a timer. Hold up. Hold up. You going to adjust my seat and think I ain't going to get some cuddles out of this? What the fuck does this guy think he is, Al?

What you got that big ass chest for? Andrew's head. What you got it for, motherfucker? Just rest here between my bosom. Right. Oh, sure. That's why you do them fucking pull-ups not for andrew's fucking frame bro wait you don't cuddle at all i love cuddling on a timer

like after about 30 minutes it's like look 30 is a lot bro that's a lot yeah i try to sleep through it but at a certain point my girl knows now she just gets up and then whenever it's time like she knows i need to sleep. Do you push her off? I'll slide out or I'll just wake her up sometimes and be like, hey, baby, I can't do that. I need to breathe again. It rolls over and then we're good. And then everything's fine. And then we're good.

Yeah. But I love it at first. You're better than me. I love it at first. I'm like a front. I just push. I push them. I go right into jackknife.

Oh, you go jackknife. Yep. Keep that knee out. That's a barrier. Literally, I sleep like this, fam. I push him. I go right into jackknife. Oh, you go jackknife. Yup. Keep that knee out. That's a barrier. I literally, I sleep like this, fam. Like that. Heisman. Fuck off me.

And if they try to roll back, they rolling right on my knee, bro. Right on my meniscus. Yeah, but then when they put their leg on top of yours, now you trapped. I could deal with one leg. You can deal with one leg. I can deal with one leg on top of me. And low key, sometimes if I really like him. Yeah. You ready for me to get super vulnerable today? let's do it if i really like them i'll touch my feet against their feet that's all right that's all right yo if your man don't rub feet i'm talking you don't give a fuck about that pussy ain't shit

pussy ain't shit if we not touching feet. Bro, that's how you know you got good pussy. Yo. Put your feet against your man's feet. He pushes, like,

your foot is this one because you're shorter. Yeah. And his foot's that one. If he pushes his foot back up against your foot. We love you. That's the most important cuddle.

You got some sunshine. Yo. You got some sunshine between your legs. Yo, you know how, like, all like Alright this is a joke that never works And then we'll start talking about some sports soon hopefully But like and I can't get this to work but I'll share with the patrons You know how women talk about how they want the thigh gap

Yeah it's idiotic It is stupid right but like Girls that get their clits cut off Technically probably have. Right? But I can't get that shit to work, bro. Oh, my God. I wonder why.

Dude, we did an episode of Inside Jokes. Akash, Roy Wood Jr. Oh, did we talk about this on regular pod? No, because we did it yesterday. Oh, we did an episode of Inside Jokes. Akash, Roy Wood Jr. Oh, did we talk about this on regular pod? No, because we did it yesterday. Oh, that's right, that's right. And Paul Verzi. Y'all know Paul. He was on a podcast. And...

Oh, boy. It was so funny, yo. We took a Roy Wood joke, and then we just found the funniest fucking thing I've heard in years. Son. It was in-fucking-sane fucking sane like his joke wasn't that offensive no but we went there when did we not go son we went in graphically it's a beautiful joke now that shit oh my god that was so we gotta drop that soon so we gotta drop this bro yeah dude anyway i want to tell y'all y'all y'all could just watch it it's funnier if you see it

yeah you got to see in like how this is what happens sometimes but like did you notice like if a premise of a joke is good like we'll attack like piranhas yeah yeah yeah you know like in the water it's chum in the water. It's chum in the water. So like he threw the premise in the water. Everybody was hyped. He didn't even finish the bit. No. We were just. Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah.

Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah. Yo, it was. And it was just one after another. It was like hot potato. What is it? Sweet potato? Hot potato. Hot potato.

What sweet potato? That's when black people play it. Hot potato. Hot potato. Sweet potato. That's when black people play it. Yo, what's up? This is Akash.

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