Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Andrew Santino's PERFECT Impressions: Bill Burr, Jordan Peterson & Joe Biden

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Today we got Andrew Santino / Bill Burr / Joe Biden/ Jordan Peterson in the studio to talk about his NEW Netflix special, what he would do if he won the lotto, and why Bobby Lee would get NOTHING. INDULGE! 00:00 - Santino is the king of L.A. + moving to NYC 02:21 - Bad Friends are going on tour + format 06:08 - LA scene is too fragmented + Rogan set the tone 15:20 - Santino wants to change things up 19:55 - Bobby has to put away his hog on tour 22:16 - Finding out girlfriends’ body counts 25:17 - Santino’s incredible Wikifeet score 29:17 - Bobby Lee has a higher score than Schulz 33:50 - Santino’s mum got a BMW + Dad got a gift card 40:01 - Mark thinks Santino is OLD 42:35 - Gay for pay? 47:17 - What’s the dream role? + Santino is a natural redhead 49:42 - Meat Beat Schedule 52:15 - Avatar will always make money + Top Gun in perfect 56:05 - Hollywood doesn’t take Comics seriously 01:00:28 - Biden drops by... 01:01:10 - Santino would say the N word… 01:06:31 - Mr Beast should stick to philanthropy 01:09:16 - Forget your dreams, get a real job 01:14:19 - Santino doesn’t want $100m + Schulz wants financial freedom 01:31:07 - The day Santino quit his job to pursue comedy 01:34:02 - Choosing to do a Netflix special 01:41:02 - “Cheeseburger” Andrew Santino’s new Netflix Special Redid them

Live from New York City, it's Lagrant with special guest appearances from Bill Burr. I'm never going to make it. The bottom's going to drop out. It's your fucking money. Jordan Peterson. Well, you know, honestly, we have to look at all that stuff and dissect it. How can you be born a man and claim to be a woman? Tell me how, Andrew. Scientifically, it does not make sense. And Joe Biden. a man and claim to be a woman but tell me how andrew scientifically it does not make sense and joe biden what are we gonna do about ukraine mr president well you gotta you gotta understand

part of the reason i've never been on a on a uh you know growing up in connecticut blacks smell funny and now for your host andrew schultz. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Flaker. And today we are joined by, wow, man. Are you the King of LA, bro? He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might

be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. He might be. mean, look, it's TV. You got a new season of Dave coming out. New season of Dave. March and mid-March coming out. You got movies. House Party.

House Party. That's a big one. That's a big remake. Movie with Kev. Movie with Kevin Hart. Movie with Kevin Hart. Big movies. A Netflix show with Ali Wong that comes out.

Netflix. Then you got the Netflix special. Your own Netflix special. And the special comes out January 10th. January 10th. January 10th. You got no documentaries made about you. Nope.

That's good. Nope. Yep. No docs. No, it's like, feature, feature, TV,

no docs. No docs. Yo, no docs is really how you make it in Hollywood. No docs. You need no docs. Don't get a doc, dude.

Don't do doc. Do scripted on me. Do the script. Stick to no doc. Don't get a doc, dude. Don't do doc. Do script at home. Yeah. Do the script. Stick to the script. No doc. Yeah, man. You're killing it, my boy. I hope.

I hope this year is as good as I want it to be. When do you leave Bobby already? Here's my thing. You know I'm moving to New York for a little while. No, you're not. In May.

Wow. For a film, TV show, just to get away from him? Just for me. Just for me. Chinese New Year, you're going to move to fucking...

Wow. Wow. Sticking in them, dude. To Chinatown. Wow. Let's go to Chinatown. I got two places. Me and Gillis are splitting

a building in Chinatown. Exactly. Yup. Get out of here. What are you guys planning on doing with it? I don't know. You'll find out, man.

Okay, I like it. From on down. Are you... No, it'll be fun. I'm going to come in May, mid-May, because Bobby and I are touring. We're doing a Bad Friends tour March and April. What is the Bad Friends tour?

I'm curious about that. It's not up yet. It's not all the dates aren't official yet, but me and him are doing individual stand-up chunks. We're both going to do stand-up. I think we each want to do 20 or 30 minutes. 20 is exactly what I was thinking. Yeah, 20 minutes is really fun. And then we're doing a full production of the show, like with people from the show, with bits from the show.

The audience gets to interact and all that stuff. So it's like a fully immersive Bad Friends live, but it's not for the internet. We're not recording it. You're not going to be on the episode, but it's like a Bad Friends live episode with some of the bits that we've done over the past two years that people will get to go see.

When you say some of the bits, what do you mean by that? Like we always make Bobby put on a dress and do script readings and stuff like that from his famous, from famous scenes and films that he loves. So people will get to pick

and be able to come read a scene with Bobby and get coached by Bobby. So this is, stuff like that. This is really smart. It's little chunks from the show

that fans have loved over the years. Yeah. And Bobby's actually, we're going to have a, I don't know if you guys, do you know he's a legit musician?

Do you know this? No. Like he's actually very talented. I mean, I assume he played violin or something like that he does that one

you know whatever that one is the single string hummer you know he the subway cello dude he can he can rip

he really can he can play piano dude he's piano makes sense yeah piano should yeah that's that's par for the course but he can do live songs

and he wants to do music so he's gonna play the music 100% dude so I think this is awesome what you guys are doing because I was waiting for somebody to figure out the live podcast

I'm not trying to hate on people but like I hate when people just do the podcast in front of an audience yeah we never want he did we never could do that

we've tried it one time in LA it just doesn't work it didn't feel right I've done it I've done it with Brilliant Idiots and the most fun part of it is when you have the back and forth with the audience.

You do like a question answer and then there's that engaging, fun, kind of live, almost like crowd work feel. But just having a conversation with the audience expecting something, it's not a fucking Jordan Peterson presentation here.

You know what I mean? Well, you know, honestly, we have to look at all that stuff. How can you be born a man and claim to be a woman how tell me how andrew scientifically it does not make sense that's a really good part i was watching those videos the funny thing is how much that cat cries he cries constantly yeah if you look at youtube every other video is him being like i'm dead serious about this. He's like, I only eat meat.

He's like this guy's guy who balls every time he's on air. Dude, it's so hard. It was hard for us to figure it out genuinely of how to do it. Yeah. And we learned fast. When we had production meetings about it, without Bobby, of course. Fuck it. I was like, there are threes.

He's like, when are we doing it? Yeah. I'm like, we did it. It's over. I was like either of three he's like when are we doing it I'm like we did it

it's over we would talk about the best bits we liked from the show and the best bits that fans kept commenting on or bringing back and it always came down

to us doing interactive shit with them we're like how much more can we get them involved so that's gonna be hard I mean it's a big coordinated effort

we're gonna be having to pull people and we have people that are working for us that are gonna organize it to physically get people on stage because you have to be you have to be good about it you have to be having to pull people, and we have people that are working for us that are going to organize it to physically get people on stage. Because you have to be— You have to be good about it.

You have to be good about it. How did Bobby take it when you told him you were going to replace him with Theo? He was stoked. He was stoked. Yeah, man. Fucking got to move on, dude. Yeah, I have to work in between Theo's alligator wrestling schedule. He's doing it competitively now.

Yeah, he is. I think he plays third in nationals this season. Yeah. That's big. Wow. Not as good as Chalky Moon. That's another guy out there. You guys know Chalky.

He's pretty good. Yeah, of course. Love Chalky. Yeah, but Bob and I are going to work it out. And then when I come to New York, he's going to come out here for a little while and then shoot out here. Oh, shit. Yeah, he doesn't know it, but that's going to

happen. He doesn't have a choice. But I wanted to come out here because I wanted to just dip out for a little while. L.A. is just different now, man. What's going on in L.A. now? What does that mean, L.A. is different? Everything is... You're the king, bro. If it's fucked, it's your fault. Yeah, it's not my fault, dude. I would just left the castle burned down. I was the last cat, like, what happened?

You've got to build it back up, man. I'm trying. This is the opportunity. We're trying, but honestly... It doesn't feel like you're trying. Bobby's in Hawaii every other week. You know, what happened? You've got to build it back up, man. I'm trying. This is the opportunity. We're trying, but honestly. It doesn't feel like you're trying. Bobby's in Hawaii every other week. You know what I mean? You're never nowhere to be found. I'm never there because it's segmented.

You don't want it. Nah, dude. You don't want the crown, bro. I do want it. The problem is it's heavy, dude. There's a lot of stolen tools on the crowd. You know what I mean? What do you mean?

Talk to me. I don't know who wore this before, man. Did they wash their hair? It just, it feels... They didn't have hair. I don't know if you remember. LA feels dirty. It just feels like everyone's got a gun out.

There is no sense of community. We talked about this before the show. And it doesn't feel like those are collective thoughts. That's top-down, though, bro. Yeah, but the problem is because everybody left. Everybody fell in line.

But because they left, now everyone kind of feels like they're in their own little competitive circle. Because they're waiting for somebody to extend the olive branch, man. That's the thing.

That's the Netflix special and maybe a couple movies with Kevin Hart. Yeah, I need another one from Kev. I don't know what Kevin, you know, we can call him on the show.

That is the thing I've noticed, especially in this career, is everybody is naturally kind of out for themselves, right? Because they've worked their entire life to get to this point, right? And they think that, I'm not saying everybody thinks this, but a lot of people think like, oh, if I'm helping this person, if I'm using resources to help that person, maybe I won't get the thing I want.

And the way Joe flipped it on his head is he's like, I'm just going to help everybody. And then it just made him so much bigger because it was almost like the Drake formula where it's like Drake puts on everybody and then everybody is, Drake is everybody's biggest fan. The tide rises all ships.

You know what I mean? It lifts all ships. It lifts all ships. It truly is. So now everybody is. But he was at a high level when he did that. The problem is like you need to reach a level where you're kind of one of the only ones on there and then go, all right, let's go. I'm going to pull everybody up.

What's the level where you like sell out four shows at the Wilbur? No, no, no. The level is where you are, you have so much of a history in comedy that's built in, that you've built up where everybody kind of looks to you a little bit already. Like, everyone kind of looked to Joe already to be like, what is he doing on the next thing? Do you think there's anybody that could do it? Like, I know Chappelle loves helping people. Do you think that sounds like an excuse coming from Andrew Santino?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think that sounds like an excuse coming from Andrew Santino. I'm not big enough. You've got to be big enough. Because there's a lot of guys that are bigger than me in L.A., but they're not taking it. Like, Jocelynick is bigger than me, and he's an L.A. guy, and that's not his thing. Shots fired.

Is there anybody stealing jokes? You've got to call them out on stage. Who's stealing jokes? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Continue the cycle. Oh, wow. Imagine they let Mencia back into the store.

I clip him again. We just recreate the video. Ned, you're stealing! For me! Bring Ari on stage again, the whole deal. He'll do it. But also, it's like, there is something about the vibe in L.A. that's so fragmented now. Like, everyone is kind of going their own way.

Well, because now there's not, okay, like when there is a benevolent king, everybody knows who is potentially their savior, right? So everybody knows how to, you know, fall in line. Fall in line is kind of what happens, yeah. We were talking about this the other day about like stories, but like essentially all like the stories in the Bible or something like that just reinforce the behavior of the tribe, right? It's like every story is like hey this is how you should act

right this is how you should treat people and this is good white privilege by the way that's what that was that was white privilege I mean it was Browns

then Browns wrote that shit so you guys started all this shit I'm sorry you were chilling in the fuckings yeah we weren't bothering nobody

we were up north yeah we weren't there we were up north minding our own fucking business until you brought your goddamn Christianity to us. Why do you guys

call it goddamn Christianity? I know, right? Just saying. We believed in multiple gods. Yeah. We did. We were Norsemen. Yeah, you were.

Were we Norsemen, bro? Jesus. Polytheist of Jesus. Yo, we were all about that polytheism. And then black Jesus came through. And these fucking blacks and their Jesus.

Son, you're welcome. You're welcome. No, but seriously, thank you. He signed off. Heaven seems fire, bro. I was like, your guy's heaven? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first time that they,

the first time they decided to paint Jesus when they painted him white. Blacks did really invent heaven because even like your white parties are just like heaven. Like it's the same idea. God, the all white parties? Yo.

Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Heaven on earth, baby. Yo, Jesus is black, bro. We know this. You don't think? He was tan. He was dark.

He was dark. But maybe he was black. He was like Jeter. Jeter. You know? He's the black guy. You think he's kind of like him? Yeah, he looked closer to him.

What about Al? I think Jesus could be like Al. Nope. I mean, yeah, with the shape up. A little too much in the sun, he might get a tan. No, because it had to be somewhere in the middle. It had could be like, Al. No, man. Yeah, with the shape up? A little too much in the sun, he might get a tan. No, because it had to be somewhere in the middle. It had to be like just tan. I like how white people are willing to give Middle Eastern,

but they're like, we're not going to black. For years, it was like blonde hair, blue eyes. And I was like, all right, eat some of this. That's progress to me. He could have been all of us. Yeah, but he's not bronze skin and curly hair. I don't see it. I mean, he literally is that.

Yeah, yeah. He's just bronze. Look, take off your glasses. No, that's not bronze skin and curly hair. I don't see it. I mean, he literally is that. Yeah, yeah. He's just that. Look, take off your glasses. No, that's not bronze. That's not bronze. You're really splitting hairs here. You're splitting curly hairs. He's bronze.

You're pretty close. He's about as close to bronze as you can get. Yeah. All right, fuck you. He will be. Anyway. Yeah, no, it is. I think he looked more like that.

The point I'm saying is the guy that everybody was looking to, right, was the guy who was the most generous. And so everybody was like, all right, well, I better act accordingly. Like, you know, if I want to- I'm not generous,

I'm not going to get on Rogan every evening and see me being shitty. You're still doing it self-servingly, but the king is setting a precedent where you're self-serving in a benevolent way.

Yeah, serving the group. So you got to set the fucking tone, bro. I'm not moving to New York then. I switched it up. I'm staying. Stay in L.A. Oh, no, no, no. Fuck New York. Thank you, Andrew set the fucking tone, bro. I'm not moving to New York then. I switched it up. I'm staying. Staying in L.A.

Oh, way of staying in L.A. Fuck New York. Thank you. No, no, no, no. Fuck New York. I love this. I love this for you. I love this for you.

The king is back, baby. No, it's something. Things need to change out there, but I think it's just the time and comedy needs to shift again, too. We've talked about this. Everyone talks about, like, what club is doing better. Things need to change out there, but I think it's just the time and comedy needs to shift again, too. Like what? I've talked about this.

Everyone talks about, like, what club is doing better. What club is doing the best? Well, the store is always kind of a standby. You know what I mean? But, like, the improv took a big dip, and now the improv is back a little bit. But they all kind of go through these waves. So does the city of comedy. It's just that's the way L.A. has always operated. Because comedy in New York is— and we don't have to fucking

go inside baseball enough. Some of these fans are like, ooh, fucking checking out. But comedy in New York is ever-changing with the city itself. You're not attached to the business.

We still have a piece of us that are attached to the business. So it's a part of Hollywood. It's part of our culture. So it's inherently going to affect who's doing stand-up and who's staying in L.A. for a while. And it changes the scene that doesn't happen here. I mean, it just is not a

part of the culture and whether or not it's like super deliberate, it, it just happens. It ends up being a part of it. So I think that's kind of part of LA's growth cycles are when it's humming and things are working and young people are getting up and getting more in Hollywood and their names become bigger and it helps the scene in LA kind of grow and thrive.

I also think part of the Rogan thing was because people who moved to LA you're, like you said, you're drawn to, even if you're a comic, you're drawn to show business in Hollywood.

Yeah. Once Rogan popped up, it's like, oh, maybe I can make money without that. I don't need to cater to that. Yeah, that's a healthy way to think because he made it

possible for people to even feel that way, even if it wasn't going to be true. Maybe you need to remind them. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't want to. Maybe you need to get

some more bad friends. Is it also possible that people are more reluctant to get as close to one another because we don't know what other people are doing in their private life? No, see, I think it's less,

I think that it, You think it's documentaries? I think people think that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think people are afraid of documentaries? People are afraid of docs. The docs are kind of crazy. No, you know what it is?

I know what you mean, but I think truly it's more about we're so self-serving as comics. Everyone is selfish. Every comic you know is a selfish person. Oh, yeah. Your degrees of selfishness vary. But because we're self-serving, that city makes you even more self-serving. Because I don't have to see you, dude. I can get in my car, go to a spot, and I can go home to my family.

And people can do that every night of the week. See, Schultz is slick. I'm sorry, slick. I can't even talk with you. What do I do? Why am I slick? Yeah, why are you slick? There's only room for one New York Andrew.

That's why. He's trying to keep him over there. What? You want me out of here? He's trying to keep him over there. Son of a bitch. I didn't even see it. I see that. How'd you touch me out of here? He's trying to keep him over there, yeah. Son of a bitch. I didn't even see it, dog.

How'd you touch me? That was crap. Honestly, that was crap. I like that. I like that. Yo, King of LA, keep your ass over there. I gasped. I was like, yo, LA needs you.

I know. Don't leave. You can't leave. Whoa. No, we don't need to see each other. Now I need to do reverse psychology. Now I need to get to New York. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know they made documentaries illegal here? Yeah. They literally made. I need to get you to New York. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know they made documentaries illegal here? Yeah. They literally made... You can't do docs in New York. They made documentaries illegal in this city. All right. I'm on my way. Everybody in L.A.

First jet blue mid-flight test. Hey, I'm coming. I'm moving. I wanted to change, though. I do want to come here for a while because I want to feel something different for a while. What do you want to feel? I just want a new scene, man. I want a new... I want to change though. I do want to come here for a while because I want to feel something different for a while. What do you want to feel? I just want a new scene, man.

I want to work the clubs here. And I also want just a little bit different. She's trying to find herself. Yeah. You're India. You know what? This is. You know what I've said before?

I'm 40 this year. Yeah. Oh, shit. I don't like midlife crisis. I like midlife assessment. You're reassessing where you're going and what you want.

I hate the term midlife crisis. I think it is the most insulting thing. That's why I don't say assessment. I say it's a midlife assessment. Y'all sound so fucking old, dog. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Midlife. Midlife. Not old. It takes this idea that a guy reaches midlife and then starts buying nice shit. He's having a crisis. It takes your whole life to have the money to buy a fucking car.

That's what it really is. It's not a crisis. No. We have to buy things for ourselves. You finally got it. Yeah. That's all it is. Yeah, I could afford it.

That's what it is. I worked hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For fucking 20 straight years. Yeah, it came to me. So you can move to a real city. Well, I want to move to a real city. I want to earn it, bro.

I want it because, I want it because. You're sick of them fucking Jews running a home. That's what you said! You can't say these things. That's anti-Semitic when you say that, dude. No, I love how they run it.

What? I think they've been doing a great job. I think they've done a fantastic job. I like all the movies. Cut to a clip right now. Shawshank Redemption,

great movie. That's one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, great movie. Shawshank Redemption. I want to cut to like a commercial of you reading like a note being like, I am not anti-Semitic. I would like to say sorry to all of my friends and brothers. Yeah, please, if I was leaving Hollywood because of Jews, you think I'd move to New York? That's like the worst move I've ever made.

Welcome to Williamsburg, baby. Walking into it. But I do think I just want to feel something different. Are you bringing the wife out or are you going to keep her out there? No, no, no. She stays in L.A. You're a real man, bro. She's excited, dude. You're a fucking real man, dude.

That's real man shit. Yeah, you stay here. What? You wait for me, baby. How did you even break it to her? Oh, she's real man shit. Yeah, you stay here. What? You wait for me, baby. How did you even break it to her? Like, oh, she's chained up. Whoa. No, you know what I said? Did you go ankle or neck?

You know what I said? Both. Cue the documentary. The neck is connected to the ankle. He keeps his wife chained up. The opening of the documentary. I told her. Well, I actually asked her.

I said, because we had some stuff in our family lives that affected us deeply that was real, personal stuff in our family lives, both of our families, some shit, you know? Did Bobby make fun of you about it? Because I saw a clip of that that was very insensitive. Yeah, he's an insensitive piece of shit. He was making fun of you. I talk about it in my special, like my dad got diagnosed with cancer and he's going to be okay. But it affected us in a way where we started to like- What type? I'm going to get into it.

Okay. But it was all like, it affected us in a way where I was like, oh shit, are we going to see, are we going to see my, how many more times

am I going to see my dad? You want to be, you want to be- Yeah, so I thought like, maybe we want to, let's change our lives to go, well, you know I got skin cancer. That's coming no matter what.

You can't escape skin. I was like, how many more years do I have left? With family. With family. As a whole, just an idea. So I was like, do we want to be stuck out here or can we have more freedoms to go where we want to go and pull my family to different places?

Cross state, maybe? I'm not going to tell you, man. He's an animal. He's Indian, dude. They go to pre-med. He's so curious. He wants to help you, but is it something he can come back from? No, he's fine. He's an animal He's Indian, dude They go to pre-med He's so curious He wants to help you But is it something He can come back from?

No, he's fine He's good So he's survived it He's gonna be okay It's But it caused Is it colon? Is it colon?

Guys He's fine You cannot just keep asking I've had a lot of cancer In my fucking family No, I know He's gonna be fine Heaps of cancer

He's gonna be fine But it just like It got me It's colon, man You can't keep asking He doesn't want to talk about it He doesn't want to talk about it You've got the testicular joint Don't't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to talk about it.

You've got the testicular joint. No, no, I just have it. You have your fucking testicular. No, no, no. You're stumbling everywhere. Please let me wear this. No, no, no. I thought he had, I thought I had testicular cancer.

Why, you have varicose veins in your balls? No, I have a lump on my testicle. I've had it for years. Oh, but that's fine. Is it the other ball? Yeah, that's another thing. Yeah, yeah, you have to be careful with that. There's supposed to be two.

Oh, shit. Get out of fucking. There's two balls, yeah. So if you feel a lump next to the other one, that's just your other ball. Don't that's another thing. You have to be careful with that. There's supposed to be two. Oh, shit. There's two balls. So if you feel the lump next to the other one, that's just your other ball. Don't even worry about it. There's only one. No, seriously, he checked it. Did you feel it

or Bobby felt it on his chin? What was it? We do mouth tests. You know how to do mouth tests with your voice? Mouth test and you just... That's how we test for COVID. You get a little salt when you got a sore throat.

That's what we're just saying. And we dip. We dip. You can always feel which weight of the tongue is heavier when I dip. By the way, that's something we had to talk about on the tour that I was like, dude, you can't show your little pecorino on the tour. It's illegal now. It's illegal now.

That's documentary. For Bobby, that's a short film. It's an indie. He's actually at Cannes this year. He's doing good. Killed. But no,

but I told him, I said, because he loves to do manginas. He likes to tuck his balls in his asshole. Well, that's fine. Mangina's fine. See, that's what I said.

I said, that's fine as long as you don't show gentles, but you can't turn around and give them the bulldog and everybody sees. Here's the thing. There is a length of dick where it's more funny than it is offensive.

Inherently. If you have a big dick, it's threatening. It's an inverse relationship. Exactly. Yeah, bigger dick you cannot show. My dick, hysterical. Exactly. So I've seen his dick.

Cut it out. Also, Bobby's dick is bigger than he presents it to be. Of course. He presents it as a negative. Yeah, because it's part of the joke for him. Yeah, I know. It takes away the... I thought that,

and then he showed it to me, and my first reaction was like, your dick's way bigger than I thought, even though it's a small dick. That's marketing. And I didn't know what to say in that moment. Genius marketing. Have you seen a real micropenis?

Like, when he jokes about it, have you seen a real micropenis? I saw him take a deep breath, and it looked like it. When he gets the hiccups, it's bad. It goes right in. I had, actually,

my fucking, my wife said she hooked up with a dude years and years ago and she goes down, she goes to take his pants off and he had a micropenis and she was like,

like most people, you're like, it's a unicorn. You're like, is it real? Because I've never known anybody. You feel like you would meet somebody at some point.

Don't you love it when your wife makes up those stories? I don't know. It's like in a same video. It feel like you would meet somebody at some point. Don't you love it when your wife makes up those stories? Yeah. One game, three rounds. You ever hook up with other guys? One micropenis once.

Yeah. That's the best. Get a wife. Get a wife. It was like, she was like, I felt so bad because what was I,

she was like, I played with it for a second but there's nothing you could do. What do you, did she rub it like a clit? Yeah, she was like, I felt so bad. Yeah. Because what was I, she was like, I, there's not, I played with it for a second, but there's nothing you could do. What do you, did she rub it like a clit? She, no, just a little, yeah, you do two fingers on, two or three fingers on. No, but she said, she said this, she knew this must happen constantly to this guy. Every time. That like, girls back off a little bit, or they just want to go kiss again or something. And then he, you know, pushed her away and was like, it's all right, don't worry about it.

Oh. That's brutal. How'd this it come up were you talking about like the biggest puss that you ever got well i thought yeah i talked about walking into some open it up and stepping in i think one time we were doing that thing everybody's done that with your significant other or your wife or your girlfriend or at some point you're like you know i, I want to hear some of the history for fun. You want none of it? Never. None of it. Give me a couple.

I want to figure it out. Why? Because I want to know. How do you bring it up? You're at dinner. Who have you had? Have you strayed outside? Have you had fucking something else?

Have you ever licked a chick? Have you ever fucked? You know what I mean? Oh, the girl stuff is fun. I don't want to know. You don't want to know? Yeah, the girl stuff is fun. You don't want to know at all. I just have know? Yeah, the girl stuff is fun. You don't want to know at all.

I just fragile egos over there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What, you think your wife didn't fuck anybody before you? I'm sorry, do you think comedians are secure people? I mean, he doesn't mind. Has he put both teeth in and out to look fucking cool? He doesn't mind his wife getting stuffed with dick.

You're like, you guys got to hit. Stuffed with dick with your pearl necklace. You don't want to know. No, I know of a couple. Everybody, no one wants to know, but you know it's a reality. No, you want to know. Yeah. I just want to fucking, I want to know. You don't want to know. No, I know of a couple. Everybody, no one wants to know, but you know it's a reality. No, you want to know. Yeah. I just want to fucking, I wanted to hear, we were sharing at the beginning when we were first dating.

I wanted to, I was like, you know, what's your history like? Do you know the number? Body count? Yeah, it's like 109, 110. Hold on. What? No, bro. Nah, nah.

Check the Carfax, bro. That's crazy. You just said 109. Imagine girl with triple digit body. It's out there, dude. Oh's crazy. You just said, imagine a girl with triple-digit body. It's out there, dude. Oh, dude. It has to be out there.

Yeah, what do you mean? It's probably out there a lot. Way more than you know. No way. Yes, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, dude. Way more than you think.

When a girl says, like, 10, she means 30. You think they divide it by three always? 100%. Oh, they divide their number by three. Yes, of course. Really? Yes. No way. There's no way he's multiplying their number by three. Yes, of course. Really? Yes.

There's no way. There's guys multiplying his number by three. Yes. No, I don't do that. American Pie 2. Check it out. I don't do that.

That was a great, I believe that wholeheartedly. Yeah, I do. I don't want to believe that at all. I think they cut it in half and half. I don't want to believe that at all. And guys multiply. That makes sense.

Sorry, man. Whatever makes you sleep at night. Yo, do you think that your girl has slept with three times the amount of guys she's told you? Why the fuck did you just,

yeah. I need to make it real. I didn't say body count. think that your girl has slept with three times the amount of guys she's told you? Why the fuck did you just ask? Why me? I need to make it real. I didn't say body count. I said I want to hear about a couple of the previous ones. Why do you want to hear about the last one?

I just want to see. What are you going to get out of that? I just want to make sure she got good taste. Yeah, that's some fuck shit. Oh, she got good taste. Imagine all the dudes previous were just some lame ass dudes and I'm like, fuck, am I one good taste. Yeah, that's some cuck shit. Oh, she got good taste. Imagine all the dudes previous were just some lame-ass dudes, and I'm like, fuck, am I one of those?

Yeah, that's true. Come on. That's fragile ego. You can't even hear it. That might be more fragile, but I don't know. That's weird. Fuck you. What's your one guy do?

You don't believe in yourself? I hooked up with three girls. Yeah, you don't believe in yourself enough, bro. I'm multiplying, okay? Whatever. We're all multiplying a little, okay? It's multiply by one, it's still one. So you don't think your girl has got the riz

unless she's hooked up with finer dudes than you? Not finer, but do you want to know that she's interested in good stock? Yeah. He's just trying to see if there's other redheads. He's like, oh, thank God. Was I the only one? Oh, did you?

Was I the only one? Is it a fetish? That's fair. Five other redheads in a row? If you fucked a few other redheads in a row? If you fucked a few other redheads, I'd be like, oh, fuck this. Whoa, because then you couldn't trust her love.

She just doesn't satisfy. Yes, because then it's a thing. Then I'm like a foot. Yeah. I don't want to be a fucking foot. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with feet? You don't like feet, dude? No, I don't want to be a fetish like a foot.

And I do love feet. I fuck with feet. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. You don't like feet? Nah, bro. Oh, get out of here, bro. I like grabbing the feet. Grow up with feet. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. You don't like feet? Nah, bro. Oh, get out of here, bro.

I like grabbing the feet. Grow up, right? See, this guy doesn't know shit. He wants to know all the guys and girls with. and then you like feet. Why do you want to know all the guys and girls? That's the Ferrari of sex.

You're like, I got to change it up. It ain't crisis, and I've been like this since I'm young. I almost said a child. I know. It makes sense for kids when they're closer, the feet. You know what That's true. It makes sense for kids.

They're closer to the feet. You know what I mean? I read a study about that. Babies climb on the floor and then you get inherently attracted to feet. What? You just know what?

You just coming over your mom's feet, bro? That's wild crazy, bro. Mom got nice feet. She does. Just sucking on toes, bro. She does. She does got nice feet.

I've seen that Schultz wiki feed. Mom got nice feet. Just sucking on the big toe like, where's the milk out? You know you're on there, by the way does. He does got nice feet. I've seen that Schultz wicky feet. I've got nice feet. Just sucking on the big toe like, where's the milk out? You know you're on there, by the way. What, wicky feet? You are on there

without a doubt. What does that mean? Somebody took a picture of you while you were on vacation and you put up on Instagram your feet. I guarantee you your feet are on there.

Oh, yeah. I'm cool with that. Yeah, but you want to know what your rank? Yeah, the rating is right. My feet suck. You got nasty feet. My left foot is horrible.

My right foot not bad. See, he's on there. I'm telling you, I knew he was on there my feelings hurt. You got nasty feet. My left foot is horrible. My right foot not bad. See, he's on that. I'm telling you, I knew he was on that motherfucker. That's a high ranking. What do I got? What is he? 4.6. 4.6 out of 5?

Oh, fuck out of here, bro. The kid's pretty good. Those are old. Put up current pictures of these foot. Let me see these ganglers. My God. That's not bad. Fuck out of here.

No, they're not nice, dude. These aren't bad. You know yourself you don't deserve that school. What are you doing there, bro? What was that? Your black toe? What was that? That's how his foot looks.

No, I'm an athlete. I was doing athletic things, and then I got a black toe. I dropped a weight on my foot. I played basketball. I just fucking stopped. Stopped too hard. You know what I mean? And then jammed my foot.

You guys wouldn't know about it. I don't ever wear shoes. Look at me. Every picture I got fucking sandals on. He thought this fit was fire. He's like, I'm matching the shirt and the sandals. What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that? Matching the sandals? Yo, what's wrong with that? He was like, yo, bro, shut up, bro. You know shit about style. Colorful as shit. I stand by it. I stand by what I said. What's your score? I don't know, shut up, bro. You don't know shit about style. It's not colorful as shit. I stand by it. I stand by what I said. Anyway.

What's your score? I don't know. Look at my rating. Here, let me check. Just for my ego. Yeah. I'm surprised how high your score is. Four, six.

That's pretty high. You look like you got hairy feet, bro. No, they're clean. Wow. That's mad. Wait, wait, wait. 4.99. No way.

Wow. King of New York. The king is back, bitch. Prop him up, baby. Prop him up. Let's go. 12 and a half. Big old stump.

That's my dog. Wow. Let's see. Let's see. Scroll down, please. Son, you almost got a perfect score. That's crazy. Look at that.

And your boy on the boat, even looking fly on a fucking boat with my foot. Tabs out. I don't really. I'm not seeing any feet here. I need to see a clear picture of the chino right there, bro. Yeah, we're right there. Put that jealous Andrew in there.

I don't really see it, bro. Who's the Andrew with the flyest feet? I don't see it, man. I don't see it. Yo, Mark, you can't get the fucking foot, I'm trying to get it, bro.

That's a good foot. That's a good foot. And I'm being cute with him, too. See him touching him? I'm being real cute. He's like flirting with you right now. Look at that right foot. That shit is... foot. And I'm being cute with him, too. See him touching him? I'm being real cute. He's like flirting with you right now. Look at that right foot. That shit is...

Go to the one in the Bulls jersey. He hiding something, bro. Go to the one in the Bulls jersey. Yeah. Oh, my guy. Whoa. Got a good arch. Look at the stems on your boy.

You got a good foot, dude. I got a nice foot, bro. You got a good foot. What do you want from me, dude? The eyes and shit. Yo. Yo, Al, we not talking about the legs. I'm not talking about the legs. We're not talking about the legs.

Just give it to him. We're not talking about the legs. The stems are right. The stems are right. We're talking about feet. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. That's a good leg, dude.

That's a fucking horse outside, bro. Let him run. Let him run. He's a hater. Let him run. Yo, Andrew, the stallion out this bitch. 4.9, God bless the world. 4.85. He's higher than Andrew. Bob is higher than you too, bro.

Wow. Asians should have that. Yeah, yeah, they're supposed to have really nice little tiny feet. This is like their basketball. Yeah, but they didn't break his shit to get it in the fucking dance shoes. That's right, yeah. They didn't bind them together. I mean, yeah, these are real feet, bro.

These are actually nice. All right. Good for y'all. Let's move on. Moving on. Yo, let's move on. I'm tired of this conversation. No, leave that picture up, bro.

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Let's get back to the show. I'm kind of curious about this movie. What can you tell us from the movie and from the new season of Dave? I can tell you this.

The house party movie? Yeah. I can tell you that it took a long time for them to shoot it. How white did they make it? The guy Cal Maddock that shot it,

shot him. Oh, I love Cal. Cal did that. He did White Man Can't Jump. He did White Man Can't Jump. It was fun, but my reach in it is so tiny.

Like, I'm not as deep in it as I want to be. I mean, they put me in the whole fucking trailer, which scares me. Because, like, I'm in the whole fucking trailer and I'm like,

I'm not even in it that much. What's going on with the movie? Is it okay? You know you can sue for that now. Shut up. These guys just want to lawsuit. So Ana de Armas or whatever that girl is. Ana de Armas.

Whatever, yeah. She was in a trailer for a movie that she got cut out of. And somebody bought tickets to go see the movie and then she wasn't in it so they sued to get the money back so you can sue the company. If they cut you out of this movie...

No, I'm in it for sure. She sued for $15. No, she didn't sue. No, the ticket buyer. The ticket buyers, yeah. I want my $15. Yo, just call. Yeah.

I mean, you gotta go through a lawsuit for it, you fucking loser. You hire a lawyer for $15? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fuck is that?

You would do that, though. What a dork. That's like some cheap shit. No, I would call customer service, though. Are you cheap? Oh, my God. Why are you so cheap? What's the deal?

Yeah, it's a part of the thing. It's a genetic thing. But like, cheap how, like... Relative to India, I'm not cheap at all. Do you ever pick up a tab? Yeah, I'll do that. Like, if you guys go out together, you'll pay the bill?

Yeah, I think you're really generous. No, I'm very insecure about being a freelo Yeah, I'll do that. Like, if you guys go out together, you'll pay the bill? Yeah, I think you're really generous. I'm very insecure about being a freeloader. I hate that. So I will make sure to try to, I probably try to overcompensate with,

like, let me pay. And that's an Indian thing, too. Fighting over the bill. Probably most immigrants. But, like, when the bill comes out, I want to pay, I want to pay,

I want to pay. I don't know what that is. Are you able to treat your parents, or they will never let you pay? They will. If I buy my mom a gift,

she will actively go return it. She'll like find a way to get the money back. I bought her a purse that was outside the return window. I gave it to her after 30 days. Took it back. Where about your dad?

He'd be an eye. He'd do an eye. Yeah, he's fine. I'd do anything for him. That's the boss. I bought my mom a car for Christmas. What kind of car? I bought her a BMW 330i.

My mom, I'm not going to say her age because it's no one's business, but she has never had a new car her whole fucking life. Wow. And I decided, I talked to my business manager.

I was like, I need to buy my mom a new car. She's never had a new car. Did you do a whole thing like keys in the box, go outside, bow on the car? No, what I did,

what I bowed was on the car. I got a video of it, but what happened was is I told my mom, I went and bought the car when I went video of it but I what happened was is I I told my mom I went and bought the car when I went back to Chicago and I put it at a family friend's house and I said to my mom

on Christmas day I said I'm gonna go get coffee because you don't have any coffee and she's like there's no fucking coffee shops open in the neighborhood and I was like yes there is

and I found one because of that so then I went I took her car and then I came back and I was like I fucking hit an embankment it was snowing in Chicago

I was like I slid the car into an embankment and her car was like a 0 back and I was like, I fucking hit an embankment. It was snowing in Chicago. I was like, I slid the car into an embankment. And her car was like a 07. And she was like, so? I was like, no, it's wrecked. She's like, so? I was like, mom, I fucked up your whole car. And she was like, I don't give a shit.

Do you want eggs or not? I was like, come look at the car. I fucked up in the garage. At some point I was like pissed off. And my dad's like, how bad is it? I'm like, shut the fuck up. He's the worst actor. He's like, how bad could the accident have been?

I'm like, dude, no. Yeah, you don't look bad at all. You look fine. I was like, dad, fuck. So I was like, come look at it. And then finally, she drug out to the garage. And I had swapped out her car. And my dad pulled out his car. And it was just her car with a big red bow on it in the garage.

And what'd she do? Waterworks, man. Really? She couldn't believe. She was'd she do? Water works, man. Really? She couldn't believe, she was like happy and then angry, then annoyed because she's like,

why would you fucking do this? Why would you buy me a new car? But she's never had anything brand new and nice ever her whole life. So had to lace her up with the wind. Now here's the real

important question. Yeah, made me feel good, dude. How did the wife take it when you told her you're going to buy your mom a brand new car? She was supportive. Yeah, made me feel good, dude. How did the wife take it when you told her you're going to buy your mom a brand new car? She was supportive. She got a new car.

She got a brand new car. She had to get a brand new car too. There's always a negotiation. You can't just go drop. Everybody gets a car. You get a car. You get a car.

No, it was, she knew, dude. She knew, like she was super happy about it. Because I'm going to buy my mom a car, too. No, but you don't have to buy your wife a car, too.

We got a 2012 Honda Accord. If your wife doesn't have a nice car already. Your wife looks at you like, I'm your mom now. I don't know how to broach this. I got a 2012 Honda Accord. I'm going to buy my mom a 2023 whatever. Yeah. It's going to be a conversation.

Yeah, it's going to be a conversation. You got to lace the wife up first. She already has a car that she loves so that that was no that was no problem but it was she's never had a new car and she's always like had this thing about little beamer little three series you know she loves little tiny three series she just bangs around town she doesn't go that far in them yeah so she's always talked about it so i got her little 330i with the m package on it so it's got all the sports shit. She don't know what to do with that M package. The M package? Really? Honestly, she loves it.

She's always driven as fast as she can go and I was like, now you'll actually be able to drive quick in a fun little tiny compact car. I'm always curious about that. Do you get your dad a gift after? He didn't get shit. He's a little bit of a guy, dog. He didn't get shit. Let me tell you what my dad got, for real.

He's like a guy, dog. He's like a guy, dog. Let me tell you what my dad got, for real. He doesn't want it. He's in quiet. That is my driving down town. I was just kidding. The greatest gift of Give him the sport mode. Hit Milwaukee.

See you later. He got a gift card to Tommy Bahama and he was like, this is perfect. I don't want it. There's a wing place near the house.

I got him a gift card to the wing joint and he was like, this is amazing. This is the fucking best Christmas of my life. You can't buy from my dad. It's impossible. It's every dad. There's nothing that they want. You cannot buy for dads. There's a wing place near the house. I got him a gift card to the wing joint. And he was like, this is amazing. This is the fucking best Christmas of my life. You can't buy from my dad. It's impossible.

It's every dad. There's nothing that they want. You cannot buy for dads. There's nothing that they like. Well, they don't need it. They wouldn't want it. And even if you're like, this is a cool new piece of technology. They're like, that's a fucking waste of my time.

Yeah, yeah. My dad's iPad is the second generation. The second one they ever made. Yeah. And he'll call me and be like, the screen doesn't flip to the next screen I'm like yeah because that's

that's not an iPad anymore it was made in 2008 yeah you just have you just have a little piece of old technology that you don't need to use anymore

don't try it you have an Etch-a-Sketch yeah you have an Etch-a-Sketch paint with it send me pictures so he doesn't get anything he doesn't want anything but it was like

nice to for the first time in my life I thought, you know, you hear like rappers talk about buying their mom's houses or cars and shit. And for the first time,

I was like, this is as close to a rapper as I'll ever be. How long before your mom complained about something to you? Oh. Nah, nah. She hasn't since?

She's not like that. Oh, that's good value. The only thing that scares her is because they're older is that the technology in cars now is bananas. Her car's from 08. It's like the tech now is- That's an value. The only thing that scares her is because they're older, is that the technology in cars now is bananas. Her car's from 08. It's like the tech now is...

That's an Obama car. Dude, it's fucking... The screen is three and a half feet long. She has no fucking idea how to do any of that shit. The touchscreen, it's nuts. I mean, it's like for her, her car has a CD player and a tape deck still in the fucking thing. She doesn't.

It's like all that shit is so new. That was daunting. So I set her up at a dealership to do, they give you like, they hire 20 year olds now at car dealerships to give old people tech lessons. Wow, legit. Like how the Apple,

like a genius bar at the fucking car. Yeah, for real. So this young girl, this nice girl went in the car with my mom for an hour, went through all the shit. And my dad's in the back, like a dork taking notes, you know? And he's like,

now when you set the speed, it'll automatically— And I'm like, dude, will you fucking stop? Because already they're overwhelmed with information. And you don't need all that shit. And by the way, I told my mom, you'll use none of it. That's the problem with new cars. I have all sorts of bullshit on my car. I've never used any of the things.

That's the scary part is that you're looking at your parents, and you're like, these guys, they don't understand technology. And you're probably like four years away you're like, these guys, they don't understand technology and you're probably like four years away from that. A hundred percent. Young bitch. I know. I hate this motherfucker.

I should hurt you a little bit. I know. I should hurt you a little bit. We were just talking about it there. You're like, I can't wait for you to get sciatica, you fucking asshole.

Just wait till your back seizes up sometimes. This is actually funny because you're an old soul. The first time I think we ever hung out. He just called you old again. No! I'm an old soul. That is actually funny, because you're an old soul. The first time I think we ever hung out. No, he just called you old again. No!

I'm an old soul. That was crazy, because he called you old on the inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing you can do. Now you've got nothing left. You're old already on the outside, but you can't even be young.

No, the outside looks good. The outside, the Botox is holding up. No, it's good, it's good. It's mediocre at best. You ain't so confident. No, but it's fine. I look good. I'm trying my best.

I'm holding it together. You've held on to your 30s for like 20 years. Yeah. Like at 20, you look 30. I was trying. I'm trying my best. I'm holding it together. You've held on to your 30s for like 20 years. Yeah. Like at 20, you look 30. I was 30 when I was 20. Exactly.

And now at 40, you still look in their 30s. You're holding on perfectly. God bless. No, it's beautiful. First time we ever hung out, we were talking, and he goes,

he's like about to tell me a story. He's like, oh yeah, by the way, how old are you? At the time, I was like 25. I was like, I'm 25.

He goes, oh, okay. And he goes and talks to someone else. Yeah, checked out. Just completely, I was like, I'm 25. He goes, oh, okay. And he goes and talks to someone else. Just completely, nothing to say. What do you want to talk about? Something adult-like. It's probably adult conversation. Your wife been dogged out by anyone?

What's good with that? Your wife ever had a micropenis, bro? Can we talk about some man shit? I don't know. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I remember when he said that, I was like, oh, I can't have a full conversation with this motherfucker. But of course I could, because I love him to death. I was just like, he's an old soul, too.

Yeah, he's way older than me, bro. You're fucking 55. You already live on the island somewhere. I'm trying to get a ranch, dude. He looks like a dude that made a fuckload of money in music licensing or something. You know what I'm saying? And he lives in St. Barts.

I made a jingle for Arby's. Right, exactly. What? How? That beef is a treat. That beef is a treat. Anyway, that was my shit. You know the one. But seriously though, your energy is like you already did it. He feels like you already lived it in another life, so you

get to calm down and grow into it slower. Oh, wow. Yeah, like when I was 25, when you were 25, our energy was way different than this. Restless. We were, I mean, it was like chaos. And it was wrong because we were all too hungry at that age. You were like, well, can I do this? How do I get to the thing? How do I?

We were just trying to get pussy, Andrew. I think that's really the difference. All I wanted was to, like, I wanted the business. I was like, how the fuck do I get on? How do I get another? How do I get to the thing? How do I get to the, how do I? I was so concerned with all that shit. Were you married back then? No, dude. No? like, how the fuck do I get on? How do I get another? How do I get to this thing? How do I get to this? I was so concerned with all that shit.

Were you married back then? No, dude. No? No, no. Six years ago. Were you making out with chicks? Psycho. Nah, dudes.

Dudes and chicks. No, not dudes. You wouldn't hook up with dudes. You ever kiss a guy, actually? In any capacity? Okay. For a role? 2023, dude.

Oh, fucking. Come on. No, would you? Come here, Akash. Would you go gay for a role? Here's the funny thing. No, would you? Come here, Akash. Would you go gay for a role? Here's the funny thing. No. Give your artsy answer.

They won't even let you. What do you mean? They won't let you. Oh, yes. I got, I was gay. They made me gay for a role. Yeah, they didn't make you do shit. They made me gay.

No, they saw you in where you belong. What does that mean? Because they see the way you walk, dude. Your gait is soft. It's the legs. See, it's the legs. Your gait is soft and they go, uh-oh. No, you know what it is?

He got fucked in his ass in a bathroom rest stop. They won't let you play. They wouldn't let me play gay because... Why not? I'll tell you why. Can I tell you something? Because the internet would be... You don't actually play gay.

You play, what is it called, when you're really gay but you don't... Yeah, closeted. No, man, is it called, when you're really gay, but you don't. Metrosexual. No, man, the problem is the internet now would be like, why would you hire a straight guy to play a gay guy when there's plenty of gay actors that we. But those actors are out. No, but the problem is they don't want you in those things anymore. They don't want. You could play closet, bro.

You could play closet. I could play out. I could play out. Nah, dude, you could never play out. You don't believe me as a gay guy? You, dude? You don't believe me as a gay guy? You, dude? You don't believe me as a gay guy? I believe in Jordan Peterson.

You could never be a gay guy. I'll be gay right now. Dude, don't even try it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not gay. You can't make me gay while you're being gay. That's what I can. That's how it works.

I sucked your dick on a podcast. You're gay now. What? No, you can't. I'm being no joke. They won't let you be a straight guy who's playing gay because they'll light you up online for being cast when there's other actually gay men. What about a closeted guy? Maybe, but I'm saying it would be – Hollywood is like so concerned with the backlash of like, oh, you're not Pakistani.

You're Indian. Does that bother you that you can't play gay roles? You seem very upset by this. I'm a little bit pissed off, yeah. It limits my scope. Like, what have I been training for? You know what I mean? But would I do it?

Yeah, sure. Would you play Brokeback where you gotta, like, tongue down the dude and just get fucking brinsed? No, and that's not me being homophobic. I just don't fucking, that's not, I don't want,

that's not it for me. Wait, wait, wait. I love that. I'm gonna go with that. It's just not it for me. Yeah, yeah with that. It's just not it for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just not it. And that's okay.

But not it in what way? What do you mean by not it? Why is it not it? You don't want your cheeks to just get clapped? Let's just say, for example, the guy's grabbing your belt. Yeah. Your belt's still on, but your pants are off. I don't wear belts.

No, no, no, no. Your belt in this character, the belt is still on around your waist, and then he just clapped in cheeks. But he's not really fucking you, but you could feel his dick slapping against your legs. If it was funny enough,

yeah. No, not funny. Romance and drama. I'd make it funny as shit though. Yeah, it's a horror film. I'd be like, ah! Can't let him have it.

No, you know what? I wouldn't play, I wouldn't, I would do, if it was wild enough and creative and crazy, yeah, I would try anything. But like, I don't know. do if it was if it was wild enough and creative and crazy yeah I would try anything but like

I don't know that's never gonna happen I'm telling you Hollywood has this you cannot do what you aren't anymore what's that technique where you like

you live it method method action would you go method with it like for that month you're just gay getting smoked out in bars in Hollywood

I think I would do it for a couple months they'd let you be gay if you're gay for a couple months what do you think I'm coming to New York for a while what are you talking about bro what do you think I'm coming to New York for a while?

What are you talking about, bro? Why do you think I'm coming to New York for a while? Don't pull away. Why do you think I'm coming to New York? I would... You know what I want to do? I want to do some... I would love to do, like, a big, deep character wild... Like, a character... Like, everyone gave shit to that dude for doing Dahmer. I would have fucking loved to do that.

Really? Love, dude. Oh, that kid's a great actor. Yeah, that was fun as fuck. That's how you... If you buried me in that, fuck yeah, I would have fucking loved to do that show. Really? Oh, that kid's a great actor. Yeah, that was fun as fuck. That's how you, if you buried me in that, fuck yeah, I would have loved to do that. And would you do Method? 100%.

I'd be killing gay guys all over the place. I did his on our show and people got mad. Because people were like, you're glorifying a man who killed gay people. It's like,

well, he was gay. He was just a serial killer. It just so happened he killed people that he loved, that he was interested in. What's the people. It's like, well, he was gay. He was just a serial killer. It just so happened he killed people that he loved, that he was interested in. What's the difference? It's like, it wasn't a glorification.

It was a real fucking story. What do you mean you glorified it? They glorified. People got, they got clapped for. The they's? Yeah, no, no. People said, Netflix glorified gay murder.

You're like, bro, that's a real tale. It's not like they made up that he just went after gay men. You know, Netflix glorifies a lot of murder. Do they know that? That's like Netflix's only thing.

I know, but when it gets into like a gay or a minority category, the lens goes deeper. They're like, what are you really trying to say?

You're like, that's what he did. That's what he did. That's not what Netflix is trying to say. Also, Netflix, again,

has a thousand serial killer documentaries. Watch this video with me. Dude, I love the way his cadence, where he's like, just sit down on the bed. I made you a sandwich. Oh, Dude, I love the way his cadence, where he's like, just sit down on the bed.

I made you a sandwich. Oh, dude, I loved it. He was so good, man. He was so, like, balanced and calm. But I would do some shit like that. I would do some, like, weird character. Like? What's the dream role?

Do you want to play a famous person? No, unless the famous story was... It is one of the easier ways to get an Oscar is to play somebody that we've all already seen. George Washington. And you're great at imitating.

I could do him. Kanye. Kanye, I could do him. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I looked a little bit like that guy. But is there like a guy

where you go, I would want to play? And you're great at impersonating, so we would be blown away by it. I don't think there's... I don't know if there's... Who's a famous enough redhead for me to—

Well, they could dye your hair, dude. That's an imagination. Everybody could see through that shit. You dye your hair. You're not a natural redhead. No, this is—yeah, I'm brown. Hollywood's not going to let that happen. You're not a natural redhead, dude.

Everybody knows you're not a natural redhead. Look at your eyebrows. Your eyebrows are mostly brown. Of course this is my fucking hair color. Santino. Your method. Come on, dude. Your method, bro. You want to. What was your method, I am?

Your method, bro. Talk that talk and this isn't my hair. What is that, dude? Is it? I think it's a pussy, bro. I think you've got a little pussy down there, dude.

I do. It is a micropenis, I guess. Technically, yeah. You didn't look at his pubic hair, dude. I'm good on it. I didn't either. He knows.

I respect, bro. He can't be caught. He can't be caught. Because why? What do you think? There's a different pressure? Black people can't be caught looking at another man's pubic hair. Yeah What do you think? There's a different pressure? Black people can't be caught looking at another man's penis.

Yeah, but he's dressed like a flamingo. No, I know. They're also vibrant. Yeah, come on, right? Vibrant, but then afraid of being gay. Why is that, dude?

Because they got a little bit. Every day is Easter, baby. Whoa, we do this all the time. But he doesn't look either. Because he can't have the internet see him doing that. Ah, it's more about what people would think.

It's perception. It's not what he feels. He doesn't care. You don't want to see his shit either, bro. You hug guys all the time when you meet them. That's your thing. You walk up, give them a hug, feel your dick against them. He gave me a kiss on the nose when I walked in.

There it is. You do that. And he goes, how have you been? Right on my nose. A bunch of kisses. Five kisses, yeah. Why do you got to tell everybody? Well, bro, you try to act like you're not interested when he just brought out the pubes.

That was crazy of you. You shave your pubes down a little bit, don't you? I trim them down. You have to. Are you kidding me? Wait, why do you have to? Is that a Hollywood thing? Yeah.

Is that it? Yeah. That's part of it, dude. You walk into a meeting, you have to show your pubes. You keep it. You don't trim it at all? No, I do, I do, I do. Yeah, don't be a spook. But not because I want to.

You do it for her? Yeah. I do it for me. Oh, really? I think it's nice and tidy. I like to clean it up. If I'm feeling insecure, I'll do it.

You started very late with that. Yeah, it feels better to me when it's nice and tidy. When it's loose and nuts, when I let it go too much, it overgrows. It looks fucking gross. Yeah.

I don't like it. It makes you feel better about yourself. Well, when I'm jerking off, I'm just like, what am I doing? Yeah, what are you talking about? Really? You don't jerk off anymore? Almost never. He stopped I don't like it. It makes you feel better about yourself. Well, when I'm jerking off, I'm just like, what am I doing? Yeah, what are you talking about?

Really? You don't jerk off anymore? Almost never. He stopped doing it. Almost never. Because? No, I just don't do it. His sex drive is.

Your testosterone's low? Check his T. Check his T! I don't have testosterone yet. That's mainly it. That's the problem? As soon as your balls drop, we'll get to it?

Yeah, exactly. I think my jerk off schedule has gone down as I've gotten older, but I still gotta fucking talk about it. Like every day? No, what the fuck? What am I, 16? I think my jerk-off schedule has gone down as I've gotten older, but I still got to fucking turn it off. Like every day? No, what the fuck?

What am I, 16? I'm trying to understand you. I don't jerk off at all. I'll jerk off probably once a week. Oh. What, are you more than that? Well, you're more than that. Calm down, Digno.

He over here, Jesus Christ. Once a week I'll jerk off. One time a week? Yeah, once or twice a week. That's barely jerking off, dude. No, it's not. Don't double it up to twice. Once or twice a week, That's barely jerking off, dude. No, it's not. Don't double it up to twice. Once or twice a week, that's normal for me.

Because I'm fucking her the other days. So it's like, I don't, I mean, how many times a week are you jerking off? That was slick that you said fucking her the other days just so in case she's listening and she doesn't get any ideas. I'm fucking this guy. Well, how many times are you fucking jerking off a week? I don't jerk off. He doesn't jerk off. How many times do you jerk off a week?

Less than most people. Probably. Nah, sometimes. You can never jerk off? Maybe once every other week. Hmm? What is going on in here? Yeah.

Well, we all have wives. Yeah. You got to save for them. You don't need to jerk off once in a while? I mean, I'm not hanging around with Dave all the time. Maybe that's... So there's two shots of Jews, dude. He did it at the beginning.

Is Dave Jewish? No. He's not. Dave is Jewish. No. I don't believe it. Mm-mm. I don't fucking buy it.

Mm-mm. Dave Bird. It doesn't sound Jewish. It does not. It does not. Dave Bird? What's the last name? Bird.

B-Y-R-D. From Philadelphia? No, no, no, no. I called him out. I said, dude, I don't buy it. I don't buy it. Oh, you think it? Then he let me in on a couple of Philadelphia? No, no, no, no. I called him out. I said, dude, I don't buy it. I don't buy it. Oh, you think it? Then he let me in on a couple of secrets.

I was like, okay, okay. That's a fucking Jewy Jew right there. Isn't it? If you leave coins around, they'll start chewing on them. What? That's how you know. Yes. They'll start just nibbling, and it's nuts.

That's really grudging. Chewing on them. They'll just start chewing on them. Chewing on them. Are they telling you if it's real, or is it a flavor that they like? What's the deal? Should I tell them? I don't know. Just start chewing on them. Chewing on it. Are they telling you if it's real or is it a flavor that they like? What's the deal? Should I tell them? I don't know.

Tell them. Give them a little peek under the hood. It just reminds them of a breast milk. Well, they can taste where it came from. They know its entire history. They do like a 23andMe on that. They know whose hands it's been. Minted in 1973.

Yeah, yeah. That's why they call it the mint. That's true. They just pop one in. Working my way up with the grills. That's why they call it the mint. Because they suck on it for a while. Do you wish you were an avatar?

Dude, I know a guy that's in that fucking movie and I see his house. He lives in my neighborhood and I think what the checks that he cashes from being in that fucking movie. Which guy? His name's Joel David Moore. You ever see Grandma's Boy? Yeah, of course. Oh, he's the I love that guy. He's so

funny, man. He was an avatar and every time I see him, I'm always like, what the fuck does that pay you out a year? Because it's an endless stream of residuals from that. He's an avatar one. I think he's in both. No, he's in both. He's in both. Yeah, he's in both. I got to see a picture.

That's where, that's when you, that's the proverbial lottery in Hollywood. Someone's like, you hit the lottery. It's shit like that, where you're like. Become part of a franchise. Well, because you, but you became one of the ones that's like forever embedded in the history of film. Like, you'll never not make money on that film.

100%. Oh, he was in Dodgeball too. He's a funny guy. Man, very funny guy. He's so fucking funny. Okay, how is Hollywood reacting to Avatar? Have you seen it yet? No.

Okay. I want to know about Hollywood's reaction to it, but first before, I just want to talk about it for a second. It is the reason why we go to the movies. I saw it. Avatar is. Yeah.

Regardless of if you like the story or not, like some people are like, oh, I thought the story was traditional or whatever. I don't really care about that. I love story. It's the most important thing. But the spectacle of it all, to me, I thought the story was fine. It was great. But the spectacle, the world that you're brought into, the escape that it

creates is magnificent. I know what you mean. It was the same reason that Top Gun for me was like, visually, you want to see something that's, that's what Hollywood returns to like. He said Top Gun was the same reason that I was like Top Gun for me was like 100% visually you want to see something that's that's what Hollywood returns to like.

He said Top Gun was the greatest movie he's ever seen. I think it's the greatest movie of all time. He said it was the greatest story of any movie he's ever seen.

That part is totally wrong. I mean it's not one of the best visual things you've ever seen. I didn't say that. You did. You did. I said it's the greatest

movie story that's ever been seen. It's probably one of the greatest visual things I've seen. Visually, I wasn't even that blown away. I thought it was good. He's had a mustache since the day he's seen it and has that shape. Hold on, I'm wearing my shades.

No, no, I thought Top Gun was absolutely fantastic. It was. It saved movies. I thought it was great for what it was. It saved movies, bro. Don't do that. Don't do that. I thought it was great for what it was. It saved movies, bro. Don't do that. Don't do that. I thought it was great for what it was. What is it? No, it's a blockbuster, and it's a great blockbuster.

I didn't think it was the greatest story. But kind of like Avatar, when you go to the theaters, if I want to see a great movie or a great story, I'll see it at home. If I want to see a blockbuster, I'm going to the theater. Yeah, well, if it's visual, you have to go to the theater. Let me clarify. With Top Gun, what I said is, it is a traditional hero's journey

story. Okay. What I said is, it's executed to perfection. The literal thing I said is, this is a traditional Hollywood blockbuster executed to perfection. It wasn't, and I specifically compared it to Everything, Everywhere, Every Whatever, One, Two, Whatever. That was something that I'd never be able to say that movie.

Such a good movie. It's a phenomenal movie. Different story, completely different type of storytelling. Okay, you look at that and you're like, wow, this is something I haven't seen before. This is not traditional. Top Gun is traditional and executed to perfection.

It is. It is. But also, it's like, hold on, I'm turning this ring off. But also, my problem with it is it's recalling all these feelings you had because of Top Gun 1. Just say you weren't in it, bro. I'm not in it.

Say that's the problem. I was pissed. You should have been one of those guys. I was fucking pissed. Did you go up for it? No. They didn't even think about you. They didn't even fucking consider you.

Why do you think that they looked at your headshot and then just tore it in half? I don't know about that. They didn't even look at it. They didn't? They're like, Santino's headshot, and they fucking threw it right back in the trash. Can I ask you a question? You think they knew your name?

You know what, those people? You think they said Santino's headshot, or you think they just saw red hair and then threw it out? Those people? Those people? Those people? They definitely knew you. They knew my name.

They definitely knew. You know what, that's the kind of stuff That's This is the hard Weird line of Hollywood Of being a comedian Is You're inherently Always

Discounted For those things You have to push Like Jonah Hill Used to talk about it a lot Nobody took him serious Yeah he struggled And they didn't want to like

Get him in those movies No but you know what I mean Like They wanted him to be a funny dude For that guy I mean He just He really I know what I mean? They wanted him to be a funny dude. I know what you're saying. But no, truth be told, they don't really love to think of comics in those worlds. They're like, no, no, there's other real actors

that do that. That's the way they look at it. You're not a real actor, dude. Well, most comics aren't leading men. Yeah, that's just the reality. Most comics aren't real actors. They don't want you to be third banana on top. They don't want you to be one of the pilot. They don't want you to be one of the pilots. Those other guys aren't.

You just called one of those black guys a banana. That's kind of what it feels like. Tell me I'm wrong. No, no, no. No, but they wouldn't let you be fourth, fifth, sixth down the list because they don't see you like that. You're a comedian guy, so when you have to sucker them They wouldn't let you be fourth, fifth, sixth down the list because they don't see you like that. You're a comedian guy.

So when you have to sucker them and you convince them and your agents and people go, dude, you have to see him for this thing. Like I'm up for this fucking, this movie that I want really fucking bad. Can you get us an audition on that thing? I want it bad. Dove, can you get us an audition? Yeah, yeah. And I had to do a Boston accent and all this shit. And I really wanted it bad. And I'm still in the mix for it But it's way bigger than me

Can you tell us What the movie is Ted 2 It's Ted 2 Ted 3 Ted 3 Oh there was a Ted 2 Oh yeah

And I wasn't in that shit either Can you say what it is The movie And then we bleep it No but I can I mean it's I mean Matt Damon is It's him.

So, that's saying no more. And when they, when they showed me the whole thing, I was like, holy fuck, this is like a lot of scenes in this movie. And they were like, yeah, and they like you for it.

So, I did the tape and they were like, okay, we're going to talk after the new year. So, now I'm kind of waiting in the wings to find out what the fuck the next movie. Like, I'm willing to just be like,

I'll come down to Boston. I'll come back to Boston and go sit with you guys. You want me to sit? Because sometimes that's what's weird. When you're on my level, you have to go like really sell yourself to them and be like, here's why I can be of value. Instead, a guy's like Miles Teller and all those, I mean, do they get calls? Yo, we want you. Okay, word. But for us, there's this weird like, don't they just tell you that? It's like, no, dude, you have to be a salesman of like, here's how I can do it. Yeah, you should try the opposite.

That's worked really well for me. Oh, yeah? Where they ask you to be in the movie. Yeah. And then you go, ugh, I don't want to do it. And then they put you in it. And then they just keep asking. Right.

And then keep making it worth more money. You call my agent real fast. Yeah, tell them, try that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell Matt Damon to suck a dick. Hey, Matty, fuck off. Never works again. I think that's the, they don't consider you for it.

They don't think about you like that. Well, they can tell you want it. Yeah, well, because I was, but I was. They don't know what to do when someone doesn't want it or doesn't need it. Yeah, they're hot girls in a lot of ways. It's not like the Pete Davidson thing where Pete didn't really, he always had that attitude of like, and God bless him for it. He was always like,

I don't know, maybe. Yeah, it was fucking amazing to see. And they were like, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't know how to, Nobody says that word. Yeah, yeah. So I guess like I understand

a piece of that, but with stuff like this, I want it because I want to, I want to have another, I want to transition a little bit out of comedy sometimes. Do you know what I mean? Like my favorite comedic actors were always good enough to do other things

and not just stay in comedy shit. When Jim Carrey left, being Jim Carrey for a little while, I loved it, dude. Yeah, that was very cool. He didn't have a choice but to kind of come back a little bit, and then that Burt Wonderstone movie was... So you want out of this game. You want out of comedy.

No, I want to be able to dip my feet in both, baby. It's like Barbara Walters. That was a good question. Bro, that was a good question. Truly, it felt like you weren't listening at all. That's why it's good. Comes out of left field. You never saw that.

Sometimes it comes out of right field. No, you know what? I do. You're not going to even know where this question is coming from. I want a little bit. You have no clue what I'm about to ask. Oh, go ahead. I don't even know yet. I have no clue. I don coming up with. I want a little bit. You have no clue what I'm about to ask. Oh, go ahead. I don't even know yet.

I have no clue. I don't even know. It's going to be best on the next thing that you say. Okay. Okay, go. And I want to fucking switch it up a little bit.

I don't want to, I like doing movies like House Party and all this other shit and being these, but I do want something else that's like, makes me feel different and then also legitimizes you for other shit.

I need it. Biden? No, thanks. No, you can play Biden. You'd be a good Biden. You could be Biden. You'd be an amazing Biden. Yeah. His biopic.

What are we going to do about Ukraine, Mr. President? Well, you got to understand. What are we going to do about Ukraine, Mr. President? Well, you got to understand. Well, part of the reason I've never been on a, you know, growing up in Connecticut, blacks smell funny. Unbelievable. Give him the roll, Hollywood.

Come on. That guy has done such a disservice talking. Whenever they get him to talk, it makes me sad. Don't let him talk. Yeah, it's rough. If you do Young Biden, you can drop an N-bomb. Right. Would you say an N-bomb as a character?

Of course. Wouldn't even think twice. If Tarantino wrote that down. He told me to say it. Now, would you riff one? Let's say your character was a racist. Okay, let's say you're doing a scene. Okay, you're doing Curb Your Enthusiasm.

You're playing a racist where there's no lines. You have to riff. You're a racist. Or you drop it. 100%, I'm not even thinking about it. You said be the guy. I'll be the guy. What do you want me to do? He wants it, Andrew.

You think a guy in the KKK holds himself back from saying it? I think so. I think they think that's hacky. He's like, let me tell you something about these boys. I'm trying to reserve my voice. These boys. I think they have other

words for it. I think they figured out. Oh, they've got new slang? Exactly, because the N-word is just like, that's old. What other words? What other words, Andrew? I'm on an email. I'm on a list. I think they figured out. Oh, they've got new slang? Exactly, because the N-word is just like, that's old. What other words? What other words, Andrew? I'm on an email. I'm on a list. I get an email from them. You got the newsletter? Yeah, they got some good ones. They've got some good ones. I saw one that was,

somebody said. Russell on his Def Jam said one. They called them Mondays. Mondays? Because nobody likes Mondays. Nobody likes Monday? Someone said there was a meme that was like, look at all these burnt ends. And I was like, oh my God. Wow.

Jeez. That was tough. That was genius. Say something that you say regularly as a meme. That is fucking smart. Yeah, it was quick. How did you just do that right there?

It was quick. All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because listen, I got to tell you all a little story. I got to tell you a little story about a very talented editor named Shifty who got hit by a car.

Shifty was riding his electric bike, smashed into by a car, absolutely destroyed. A portion of his brain no longer works, guaranteed. Kid can't look into light without getting a migraine. Teeth look different, right? The back of his head completely flat since he was a child, but definitely not more around after that situation. Point is, the point is, Shifty could have been set. He could have. He could have been set.

Unfortunately for him, but very fortunate for us, he's still working here, but he could have been set. He could have hollered at Morgan & Morgan. They can have your back, okay? Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide, more than 800 lawyers, with over $15 billion recovered for clients. Not for Shifty because he didn't call, even though he could. Shifty could be a billionaire. He could be.

You know billionaires drive Hyundai's? You know what I mean? That was a Hyundai Santa Fe. He could be a billionaire right now, but he did not call Morgan & Morgan. You can't. Point is, if you are submitting an injury claim with Morgan & Morgan, it is so easy. It's more like using an app than hiring a lawyer. That hiring a lawyer thing is uncomfortable. You don't know what the hell is going on, right? You've been watching Better Call Saul or something. That hiring a lawyer thing is uncomfortable. You don't know what the hell's going on, right? You've been watching Better Call Saul or something. That's not what it is anymore. You get hit

by a Hyundai Santa Fe. This is the great thing about calling Morgan and Morgan. You just asked for Morgan. There's going to be one of them. Hey, listen, you just asked for Morgan. They go, which one? You go, it doesn't matter. Okay. Give me a Morgan and I'm taking this guy who hit me with a Hyundai Santa Fe to court. Or maybe I can get a crazy settlement because 15 billion, that's crazy. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. That's all I'm saying, bro. With Morgan & Morgan, you can submit a claim without ever having to leave the couch, which is what Shifty needed to do because he was incapacitated for at least a week. Okay? If it's an injury situation, you might not be able to leave the couch.

That's the genius of Morgan & Morgan. They knew it. Point is, if you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless you win or they win. Well, you and they is together. You are one. Y'all are one. Y'all are one. For more information, just go to forthepeople.com slash flagrant or dial pound law. That's pound 529 from your cell phone, okay? That's F-O-R the people.com slash flagrant or pound law, okay? Do you know what pound is?

Hashtag bow. Bow. Law. 529. Right there. Don't be like Shifty. Call Morgan & Morgan. That's a fire catchphrase. Morgan and Morgan, y'all can keep that. Let's get back to the show.

Also, guys, tour dates. First of all, thank you to everybody who came out to the Wilbury, sold it out. It was amazing. I love you, Boston. And new dates, January 20th through 21st, I'm going to be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotels. February 9th through 11th, I'm going to be in Sacramento at the Punchline Comedy Club. March 9th through 11th, I'm going to be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotels. February 9th through 11th, I'm going to be in Sacramento at the Punchline Comedy Club. March 9th through 11th, I'm going to be in Miami at the Miami Improv. Also, somebody sent me a poster that said I would be in Springfield, Missouri at the end of January. I don't know if that's real or not. So, you know, we'll see what happens with that.

But get all those dates and more. I just added new dates in Huntsville and Nashville. So get those dates at akashsingh.com. Now let's get back to the show. Is this your guy, Mr. Beast? Is he your new best friend? This is everyone's guy. Okay.

Is this your new best friend? Bro. You're in Hollywood. Let us have you two, bro. Let us hang with YouTubers. Is he a good guy? Yeah, he's great. Genuinely.

He gives away like eight million bucks a day and shit. This guy. What are they? Are they cookies? Yeah, they're cookies. Lemmy? Yeah. You need to sell it a little bit.

But they're plant-based. What are you talking about? Plant-based and gluten-free. It says it right on the bag. I wouldn't have eaten that if I knew that. Yeah, you don't eat that shit. Is this really?

Is that what this is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's FDA. Yeah, that's FDA. If it's FDA, I'm good. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah, they're great.

Yeah, they're great. If it's FDA, I'm good. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah, they're great. Yeah, they're great. My teeth fall out. Stop shitting on my boy Feastable, bro. Get the fuck out of here. You of all fucking people. Don't say some dumb shit like that. Those cookies are trash as fuck. I'll be honest with you.

You know what? Don't lie. That may be your boy. He may be cool. He may be nice. These are whack as fuck. You're not eating those. Nobody goes, get me some of them Feast? Don't lie. That may be your boy. He may be cool. He may be nice. These are whack as fuck. You're not eating those. Nobody goes, get me some of them Feastable cookies I've been liking so much.

Listen. Get the fuck out of here. Those are terrible. And you know they are. The bars are good. The bars are good. Listen. Let me say something.

Let me say something about this garbage. You know how quick he's going to cut this shit out? I know. No, we're keeping it in. We're keeping it in. We're keeping it in. You know what? God bless Mr. Beast. He's a good philanthropist.

He does good for the world. Nice guy from what I know. This is fucking cut it out. You don't make cookies, dude. Keep giving away cars. Stop making fucking cookies. Stick to giving away fucking cars and 10 million in cash and people stay in a mall all night.

You don't make fucking cookies. Cut it out, bro. This guy's such a hater, bro. You gave away one night. You don't make fucking cookies. Cut it out, bro. This guy's such a hater, bro. You gave away one car you talked about for 20 minutes. Come on. Let me tell you something. That came from my heart. This guy's doing it for clicks. I didn't put mine up on the internet, Beast. You're not going to see my mom on the internet because I don't exploit it.

Beast. Go buy his mother a car right now. Buy his mother a real BMW. Nothing micro. Go get her a 5 Series. I'm not on that. My Netflix special just came out.

I can't afford it, all right? No, what these guys do is fascinating. What those guys do is fascinating. What do you mean? What does that mean? That they fucking have these YouTube videos where there's a bunch of guys that do that where they these these grand events and they give away all this shit it's it's amazing they've created a subculture that copies them now so now young

people want to get on youtube and they think they can emulate that yeah but it's never gonna work why not because they don't squash their dreams no no these guys created a system where it worked because they grew a huge audience yeah there's kids now kids now that think, oh, if I, if I give away 10 K on YouTube, I'm going to make that back right away. I don't think that's the future that everybody thinks they're going to have. You're going to be such a good dad. Unbelievable how good of a dad are going to be. Dad, I want to be a YouTuber. I think I can really make it on YouTube. Shut up. Get a fucking job. Dumb piece of shit. Get in school. I want to be a YouTuber. I heard two girls talking about that. They were like, why would a girl, why would a

young girl who is good looking in this day and age not want to be an influencer? And her girlfriend was like, I don't know. Give me one good reason why you wouldn't. And I was sitting there waiting for my tab and I was like, I'll give you a thousand good fucking reasons why you wouldn't.

What's one? It will never work. By the way, you're never as good-looking as you think you are. Anybody who thinks they're good-looking, you're not. You're really not. Your daughter's gonna be sucking dicks, bro. I'm just telling you right now.

Or, she'll be a guy. She'll be a guy. I'm gonna do transition therapy on my own kids. Are you really? Yeah, I cut the dick right off. Yeah, burn ends. Cut the dick right off.

Burn ends. Burn ends. That's a meme I saw. No, you're never going to be an influencer. It's never going to work. You don't feel like you want to give people hope. What about you're a comedian, dude? You're a stand up comedian

you came from Chicago you came from a family of a mother that's been driving the same car for the last 20 years and all she's wanted is a three series BMW

can I tell you something I've taken back you can make it everybody out there that's thinking about it please be an influencer get on the internet quit your job

do you like to believe that you're the miracle that only you could have pulled it off to be an influencer no no to you know, go after this crazy dream

and then succeed. It's me, baby. Wow. So it's not possible for anybody else? Not anymore. I closed the gate. You closed the door, man.

Sorry. We're all good. Thank you. Try it. Do whatever you gotta do. It's just a... What do you say to all those young comics out there? Quit. Get the fuck out of here. You out of your fucking mind?

It's never gonna work, you dummy. I wonder why the culture in LA is different. These young guys, they don't wanna hang out with us. You know what? I hope all of your dreams come true. You can't even pretend. He's the best actor I've ever met.

He's the best actor I've ever met. He can be Jordan Peterson. He can be Biden. But he can't pretend to be proud of someone. You can't impersonate a supportive father. That is so bullshit. Have you ever been happy for anyone? Like when Bobby broke up with Kalilah.

Stop gaslighting me into being someone that doesn't support young people. Stop gaslighting me into being someone that doesn't support young people. Stop gaslighting me. Notice he didn't I started on influencers and you guys went, so all comics can't come in? The fuck?

Talking about people who take photos. Yeah, yeah. Every comic out there that's struggling and trying to make it. Yeah, yeah. Get a job.

No. Be a job. No. Be a TikToker. Come on. Oh, I hope it works. If you're funny, it's going to work. Or sometimes it doesn't. It probably won't. This is so cool.

This is so cool. You can't do it, dude. Bro, he's Red Foreman. He's Red Foreman. We need a new king, yo. We need a new king, LA. I'll say how I really feel about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All jokes aside. Yeah, all jokes aside. If you have the balls to even try it, comedy. I'm not talking about influence. I'm not talking about people that just take photos on the internet and want brand deals. If you have the balls to try performance like that, any live performance art, and put yourself out there, God bless. Good luck. If you have the balls to do it, I commend you for trying.

That was good that you did it. It still wasn't very optimistic. How can it be optimistic? That's insane to be like, you're all gonna do great! Everyone's gonna be fine! You didn't say... 99% of you will not be fine. There you go. I think that knowledge...

I think that knowledge is what's honest. Everybody's gonna figure it out! You're gonna die! It's fucking brutal. I think that knowledge is what's honest. Everybody's going to figure it out. You're going to die. It's fucking brutal. You're never going to make it. The bottom's going to drop out. That's crazy.

Save your fucking money. This is so crazy. Unbelievable how good you are at impressions. No, I think what it really is, is people need, I think young people. I think we know how you feel. They need to be. We got it. I think we know how you feel they need to be they need to be I think we get it

I think they need to be honestly told the truth that it's like it's the hardest thing in the fucking world I hope you make it it's not the hardest

thing in the world yeah it is I think quitting everything that you're doing like cobalt mining versus comedy yeah cobalt mining is fucking hard

I did it for seven years that's what we meant it was mining dude cobalt mining is very easy mining is did it for seven years. That's what we meant. It was mining, dude. Cobalt mining is very easy. Mining is bitch shit, dude. Those are some of the good old days. Alaskan crab boat fish? We did that.

I did that. Bitch shit. But it is easy. It's like, go get the cobalt. Come back. Come back. I'll tell you what's hard. Three minutes at an open mic.

I get cobalt. I go home. Okay. I build steel. Okay. I go home. Not hard. You know?

I deck hammer. I go home. It's I go home. Not hard. You know? I jackhammer. I go home. It's not hard, dude. Yeah. I think if you're going to put yourself out there to do it, commendable. Because it's tough. It's tough. It's a nightmare.

Good luck. If someone gave you, honestly, if someone gave you $100 million, how would you live your life from this day forward? I just gave you $100 million tax-free. What do you do? What state am I in? Wherever you want to be. Tax-free. Where do you want to go? Tax-free. It doesn't matter. Oh, tax-free? Tax-free. You can do anything you want. $100 million tax-free, what do you do? What state am I in? Wherever you want to be. Tax-free. Where do you want to go?

Tax-free. It doesn't matter. Oh, tax-free? Tax-free. You can do anything you want. $100 million. What a Republican-ass response. What state am I in?

This guy's a Red Foreman, bro. I'm telling you. Tell me I'm wrong. Go on. You have $100 million. You guys were sucking Joe's dick for going to fucking Texas. I'm always supporting somebody going to Texas. You told me you were thinking about it.

What happened to that? I would never go to Texas. I would never move to Texas. You said me you were thinking about it. What happened to that? I would never go to Texas. I would never move to Texas. You said Texas or Nashville. I never, ever, ever. That's gaslighting. I would never move to Nashville. We spoke after the podcast.

You say gaslighting one more time. Yeah, I swear to God, dude. That shit is so gay saying that word. That saying that word is gaslighting me. Stop it. That shit is gay. Stop it. What?

Stop it? Are you still acting gay? You don't have to do the acting. That's acting gay. Yeah, you Wait. Stop it. Are you still acting gay? You don't have to do the acting. That's acting gay. Yeah, you don't have to do the acting. So?

You're not allowed to act gay. He played the long game. He got us. He fucking got us. What would I do with $100 million? $100 million.

Yeah. Do you just like quit and move to a mountain somewhere? Raise your kids and some fucking time? Don't, don't, don't, don't let him go.

What would I do with $100 million? And why would you give away none of it? Because it's mine. You gave it to me. What am I doing? $100 million, I'd probably set up everyone that I love.

Which is? My family. My wife. No, my parents. My mom, my dad. Just people that I, my family. My parents and my wife and her parents. You figure it out.

I'd lace up some people in my family. Does Bobby get a piece? No. Bobby would not get a dime. Bobby would not get a dime. Okay. I would lace up everyone, make sure everyone's taken care of.

And then I would go, I don't even, I couldn't even, I don't even have a creative answer for you because that would be, that's a scary, I don't know what that would do to me. Would you stop acting? Would you stop doing? Would you stop doing? Stop doing bad shit?

No, comedy. Oh, stand up? Yeah. Probably. What about would you? Because I don't even know, I don't even know how. What can you talk about? I think the misstep here is your life would, you don't even know how to operate with it.

If someone dropped 100 million, what am I doing with it? It's like, well, otherwise it would be like, well, I don't really, I would just keep living my life the way I am. Then why would I need it then? That would be the question. What would it do for you? Well, maybe you want to buy your mom a real car. Bully. Rich guy bully. He's a rich guy. Fucking bully guy bully? Yeah, he's a rich guy fucking bully. Rich guy fucking bully? Buys his mom a helicopter? Rich guy bully? Rich guy bully? No, the question, the philosophical question is what would you need it for now?

Ask him what he got his parents for Christmas. Ask me what I got my parents for Christmas. What did you get your parents for Christmas? I got them season tickets to the ballet.

Did you really? Yeah, don't call me gay ever again on this show. Damn it, bro. You thought! Damn it, bro. You thought! I was going to say he abandoned them to go to Columbia and have a great time on this show. Scarborough. You thought of it, bro. You thought. I was going to say he abandoned them to go to Columbia and have a great time on Christmas.

And Costa Rica. Okay. You got them season tickets to the ballet. Yes. That's fire. Damn, that was a decent guess. I know where you came from, man. That's nice.

I get my dad chicken wing cards. On a class level, it was a little different the way we grew up. If I'm like, like that you want tickets to the ballet season tickets to the wing house let's go what's going on

when you went in Hollywood ballet like the ballet no I don't know what I would do with a hundred million dollars you don't have

there's nothing you would buy no place you would go is there a place you've always wanted to visit I would travel a bunch but I have the ability to do it now I'm blessed to know i can do it now so that's kind

of i really mean this from a philosophical point i don't know if i'd want it because you have i don't know what i would do with it because you'd be like why do i have all this fucking money i would have to give it to people i love and then go well now i have a responsibility to invest it in things like uh that would grow a future of that now you have to fucking now your responsibility now you have to raise a community now you have to help out people in your communities around. You can't just have it and use it. It's a worthless. What are you going to do with it by yourself? You get all that money. You're going to have to like start to grow something with it. You're going to have to start a company that helps people out. You're going to have to, you have to reinvest that in the community. That's a

big job in and of itself. You don't have to do any of that. Yeah, you do though. You're saying morally you should. Yes, but also, otherwise it's useless, I'm saying. Morally, I think it's a great idea. Also, it's useless if you don't put it to use. But what does it provide?

It provides freedom, right? Yeah, but you have enough freedom already. You're blessed enough where you already, he said me right now, I'm okay right now. I'm happy where I am.

But you can't stop doing what you're doing. I would never stop doing what I'm doing, but that's what I'm saying. We don't know if you would because you don't have the money to. Again, I would probably try to put it to work. You know what I mean? What about an indulgence? Is there a certain thing that you've always wanted to do with your life

and then you guys go, fuck it, let's just go? We would travel a fuckload. We would go to places we've never been. But outside of that, I don't, I genuinely. And you can go to all those places now, but. So yes, my point is, I don't want the hundred million. I don't know what I would do. I really don't know.

I think at some point too much money does. Son, you can't enjoy nothing, huh? But I enjoy, I like what I have right now. I don't even know what I would, I'm not a fucking materialist. I don't need a lot of shit. But there was a time when you didn't have all this that you have now.

Yeah, but dude, when I got a house, when I finally could afford to buy a house, I was so fucking happy. I was like, I've never sat in it and gone, I need a bigger fucking house.

I wanted that guy's house. Don't give a shit. I like my fucking shit. You also live in the same neighborhood as Avatar, so it's probably a pretty big house. His house is a little bit

nicer than my house. But it's just, I don't care. I don't, I never had that thing where I'm like, I need, I need, I need, I want, I want. What about, what about with like cars or something? I have the car that I like. I like my car. You have a good car.

I've seen his car. It's a nice car. It's a fucking house. But I don't need, I don't, it's like, I don't need a Ferrari. I don't need, I don't want. Not about need. More about like, there's something that you've always liked,

always enjoyed, and finally you're in a position where you can buy it. Well, I'll tell you financially something that I'm trying to make a possibility is for my 40th birthday, I want to take my family and her family on a jet to Hawaii. Perfect, done. Now we have a thing. But I mean, that's, you know. What about that home in Colorado maybe? Remember you were thinking about that? Yeah, that'd be nice maybe, maybe but also i don't need it i'm saying this is the problem is i don't need the money so i'm saying i don't it's an awesome blessing but then you're like well what

am i gonna do it dude have you ever seen the thing about the people that win the lotto they're miserable they have no idea what to do with all of it yeah but think about who's playing the lotto it's like you're not to see them at the ballet. I'm just saying they're going from zero to 100 million. You're going from, I imagine, millions to 100 million.

I'm going from a good amount of money to way too much money. Also, 100 million, a lot of athletes make that. It's not like you're in some rare... You're in rarefied air,

but it's not like... Some of your friends. It's not billions where there's like 50 of them on Earth. None of my friends make 100 million dollars. There are people that...

We know that make... I've seen you in pictures with athletes that it looks like you're friendly with that have contracts that are worth a hundred million dollars. And I will tell you some of those friends that have that kind of money. Yeah. They don't do anything different than I do. So then there you go. But my point is then they just have a lot of money. So now you're like, at some point, what are you going to do with all that money? Spoil your friends and spoil your family. There you go. Spoil your family. I like when you said point, what are you going to do with all that money? Spoil your friends. Spoil your family. There you go. Spoil your family. I like when you said, take the jet and you take all your friends on this crazy vacation.

That's what I'd love to be able to do. Just spoil the people around. Take my family with me to go do something private, pay for all of it, and be like, look at that fucking thing. Give them cool opportunities they never got. Like, you have a cousin of yours that you really believe in. They don't have the funding to learn this fucking instrument that they really want to. And it's like, here, they got this summer,

you go to the camp, learn your fucking guitar. Yeah, like that. But I guess what I'm saying is deeply, truly, philosophically, you are responsible to do something positive with that money.

Otherwise, you will be super sad and fucking really alone. This is a cool guilt thing that I'm getting from you that I didn't predict. But this is... Oh, I've always had... I can't... This is really... Everything I have on was you that I didn't predict. I've always had, I can't, everything I have on was free.

I swear to God. I believe it. I can tell. I'm so crazy with money. I'm so scared of money. I don't like it. Scared of losing it? Scared of-

I still like it. I don't like it. I don't like the idea. It's a Catholic thing. I worked so hard to get it, and I'm also like, I don't like the weird pressure it puts on you. Because you feel like if you have it, money is, I'm imagining you feel like it's kind of dirty. That's usually a religious

feeling. I would assume it's powerful. Having more than others feels, oh, a guilt complex with money I've always had. But we grew up with that because we didn't grow up with a ton of money. So it was always like, you know, haves have nots type of shit like, those guys do that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always a phrase that was like, oh, yeah, well,

the country club guys? Yeah. You know, so I've always had that in my bloodline. I can't get away from it. So you have an insecurity of being one of those people that your family maybe grew up being critical of. Yes, a little, but also because I just, there is an inherent piece of you that was raised a certain way that you're like, I'm not that guy. No, we all have that. I don't fucking, you're like, I don't do those things. Especially growing up in like strict class structures.

Like my mom's from Scotland and like she grew up like, you know, don't think you're better than the community. Well, that was always a big thing. Who do you think you are? Yeah, yeah. My mom would always see like when we were kids in Chicago. Even going to LA probably, there was some, I'm sure, sentiment in New York. Well, nobody likes LA in Chicago. Exactly.

It's like, oh, who does he think he is trying to be an actor? Right. Who does he think he is? And if you're going to L.A. to become an actor or a comedian, I want to say to you right now, good luck. I love you. You're going to have to win the lottery. You're going to have to win the lottery. No.

No, I meant what I said. I applaud anybody that does that. I left Chicago. I'm happy it worked. What did your family think when you left? They knew that I was going to try it. Yeah. But like the likelihood of failure is probably high for most people that leave. So my parents were probably like, I hope it works. I hope you don't get your heart broken. Right. That's kind of the, that's the vibe. But back to

this feeling with money, because I'm sure a lot of people share a similar feeling as you, which is like, you, you want to acquire it, but at the same time you have this distaste for it because maybe it could turn you into somebody that you don't want to be. And not turn someone. Maybe you behave in a way that you don't want to. Just maybe it will complicate things more. Even with your family, with your friends. Everything, just life.

And it does complicate things. A hundred percent. But it also makes a lot of things very easy. Can do, yeah. Like it provides security and safety. It depends on how good you are about the way you, the level of relationship respect that you have with it, some people are really good about it. They understand their level and balance with it, never have been able to do it.

The biggest problem I've seen is comparing, you're always comparing yourself to the circle around you, and then once you gravitate a level to nine figures, you start looking at the other nine figures and being like, well, he's got X, Y, and Z. Well, everyone's gonna, you're always gonna look up and be like, ooh, that, that, that. That's so dumb at a certain point. That's a terrible place to be. Yeah. For me, it's more like, if you told me right now I could continue doing what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

Yeah. And just make the same amount of money I've been making or continue to make, I'll sign in blood. I would take that over that bullshit 100 million any day of the week. So, I'm going to say. You told me sign in blood today what you take that over that bullshit 100 million any day of the week. You told me sign in blood today what you made last year or the year before even.

If you can make that for the rest of your life until I die. Inflation. Inflation, yeah. Go up a little bit. Four percent. Four percent.

You can handle this responsibility. You know how to handle the responsibility of the money that you have right now. Yeah. What I'm understanding

from you is that responsibility is increased 100 times or whatever the fuck it is when you have 100 million and taking on that 100 times. I don't want a responsibility would be too uncomfortable for you. That's a really interesting. Could it also be. That's true though.

You feel like you. Well, you said it's true. Because you said what I've made now, you feel like you've earned what you made now. If you were blessed with 100 million, you might not feel like you earned it. Well, you definitely didn't earn it. But yeah, I'm proud of earning the dollars. I'm proud of like doing shows, trying to make fans happy

and earning your money. That is, that you feel clean about. You're like, dude, I fucking, I did the thing for you. Yeah. We did the thing together.

That's great. I sold you the product. You like the product. Paid me for a service. But like when you get, and I know people that get grandiose amounts of money for doing

almost nothing and I don't think you give a shit about it. I don't think they give any fucks about it. Any of my friends that have a fucking absurd amount of money or even people I know or met, they don't give a fuck about it. It doesn't matter anymore. It gets to a point where it's like they have it, but it doesn't do anything. They kind of ignore the fact that it's there but in a way it could provide a level of freedom and security.

Yeah, it can do, yeah. And I'm not saying that you have to use it and do all those things but what it can do is, for me the way that I always look at money and again I'm like financially illiterate in terms of like investing and all these types of things.

I didn't learn how to do any of that kind of stuff. I'm like very intimidated by money. I know how to make it through creating content and through creating comedy shows and that kind of stuff. I'm like very intimidated by money. I know how to make it through creating content and through creating comedy shows and that kind of stuff. I'm good at that, but in terms of what to do with it when I get it, I have no fucking clue. Yeah, I don't know either. But, which I, and I wish I learned a lot more.

I don't. But what I've noticed for me, the relationship with money has always been about freedom. So it's like, if I want to do the exact type of comedy that I want to do, the exact type of podcast I want to do, if I want to create, if I want to, outside of just creating, if I want to live my life in the exact way that I want to live, I have to have a certain amount of it to protect me in case everything goes wrong. Right. So I always looked at money as like that's my freedom.

And if I get to a certain amount of number right here, I can do whatever I want when I want to do it. You have your number. Yeah. And that changes too. See, mine's, to me. But you're at your peace. This is your freedom. Yeah, I feel good.

I feel fine. It's like when I fucking, you know. You would feel imprisoned by that money. Yes, yes, yes. I'd probably feel imprisoned by too much money. Exactly. I'd be scared of making too much money. Yeah.

Because I would feel, yeah, weird about it. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. I've always. I feel imprisoned by not being able to do what I want to feel, yeah, weird about it. Yeah. Yeah, 100%. I've always- I feel imprisoned by not being able to do what I want to do, even if it's the smallest thing.

I'm okay with not being able to do what I don't want to do. Oh, no, no, no. I got you. I know you are. I know. You tell me I can't do something, I fucking have to do it.

Look at this. Exactly. That's my point. It's like, you know, we do our show from a shoebox in the valley. But yours is great. Do you know what I mean by that?

It's like, but my, your visions are very grand and you're able to execute the visions. But yours is great. Do you know what I mean by that? It's like, but my, your visions are very, are very grand and you're able to execute the visions. And I'm one of those people that's like, I just want to have fun

and I hope they keep letting us have fun. I think that there's a lot of people that also think like this and I think that's why it's really cool to hear this perspective

about how money can be scary and how money can like put you in a position of emotional instability where I'm always coming from this place. Like, I don't, I don't, I don't want to be associated with money. I don't need to be flexing. I don't need to do all those things, but I love having it to know, like, if everything goes wrong, like I keep money in case if everything goes wrong, that everybody here gets paid. Everyone here, everybody here gets paid for a while.

Put it that way. Until it runs out. Yeah, a while. Meaning I don't touch it. Everybody gets here a year at least. Everybody gets paid. So that's just my way. That's freedom.

That's, hey, let's say whatever the fuck we want. Let's do whatever the fuck we want. Let's go to fucking Africa. Let's just fucking do crazy shit. And I want to do as much crazy shit as I can before I die. By crazy, it doesn't have to be dangerous. But it has to be, let's go to fucking Africa. Let's just fucking do crazy shit. And I want to do as much crazy shit as I can before I die. By crazy, it doesn't have to be dangerous, but it has to be, let's go to Paris. Do you know what I'm saying? Let's just do that and be part of it. What a crazy

adventure that would be. No, it's amazing. But I recognize I need a little bit of security. But I'm a little bit more. I applaud this. But I'm more the other side. I like. I'm more like. I'm more like. I like seeing it, but I'm like, I don't do that. Yeah.

But I love it. I love to watch you guys do that shit. Yeah, yeah. But I'm always like, man, that's a world that I'm not, it's, I never was built that way. But I like, I like. There's a piece there that you have. I'm a little, I am, I, but I do see what you guys do sometimes. And I'm always like, these motherfuckers are, that's living.

That's wild. Yeah. But then I also go play golf near my house and then that's fine for me too. My little bullshit is fine for like, sometimes my little bullshit is good enough for me. Also, you're not at a level where it's little. It's like, you played a beautiful course.

You have a beautiful home. You have a beautiful car. It's great. You've achieved a huge success and it feels as if you're doing something that a lot of people, especially in entertainment, but in life in general, don't do, which go, this is enough.

People are miserable because they can't go, this is enough. That's probably the best recipe for happiness. Literally. That's probably the best recipe. Even though you seem miserable, but the best recipe for happiness is... Think about how more miserable he would be.

Exactly, exactly. And like, I'll be honest, my relationship with money is not like, if I don't have it, I'm not happy. That's not it. My happiness comes from freedom, and I recognize that the more freedom I have to do whatever I want, the happier I am.

But I love that your happiness can potentially, I imagine, come from just going, I have enough. I'm so happy with what I have. Yeah, I feel pretty good. I mean, it was like, it's like, again, I've always said that if you fucking dotted me out and was like, can you do this forever? And it never goes up though. You'll never make another dime. I go, okay. Cause you're having fun. Well, cause I'm blessed and life is good. And it's like, there isn't a moment where I go at this stage in my life. I feel, it feels

good, dude. Because again, all the joking aside we did before, and I know this got serious, but like all the joking about me saying other people trying out to be comics or whatever, uh, because your only dream was to get paid to do comedy. You're like, all I wanted was to get paid and I was fucking broke. And I came from the trying at the bottom and I do applaud people that fucking try it. It's scary as fuck. It's wildly hard to do. So if you have the balls to do it, like, dude, that's huge.

And I hope you work hard enough and it works for you. I hope. I hope. That's all you can do. But all I wanted was to make money doing comedy. When I started making money

doing comedy, I quit my job, my day job, and I slammed the phone and I told my boss bye and I literally ran down the fire escape and I ran for like four miles because I was like, I get to make money doing comedy. What job was that? I worked at a

music company doing visas for international touring, Snoop Dogg, Cypress Hill. No, it was wild, man. I got to like tour coordinate for these bands, but I was doing pushing paper all day. And then when I quit that job, I got a contract for one year. They guaranteed me one year of money and it wasn't a lot of money, but I was like that one year. This is MTV. No, no, this was, this was a, a, a, an internet show. It was like a hosting show. You know what I mean? But they guarantee the contracts. I say, even if they fucking fire me, I said this to my mom, I go, even if they fucking fire me, they got to pay me for the year. And my mom was like, that's not a real thing. You got to check a lawyer. They'll never do that. And I said, I swear to God, it's in the motherfucking contract.

It says I get this much a week no matter what for the end of the year. And I bet on that. And that horse led me to, you know, start the trials of learning how to make money in comedy and stay out of having jobs. And once I got to a place where I'm like, oh, like you said, with the money, with the thing, if this falls. I was like, I'm at a place where I think I can do comedy for the rest of my life, make money. I was happy as fuck. I was like, dude, I can do this until I die and I can keep making money, I hope, doing this. Yeah. And how old were you at that time? I got that job when I was 27 or 28. Yeah. And then I got MTV Punk'd when I was 29 or something like that. Yeah. And so then I just, it was like, that was a big deal for me.

So all the other stuff is kind of like a lot of icing. I feel like it's icing. Being able to go from clubs to theaters, that was icing, dude. Yeah, this is the key to life. If you told me I could play clubs the rest of my life, I would have been fine. What the fuck? I was still selling tickets and having fans. It's all icing from here for me. It's like, this is all, I'm blessed to know that it's like, oh, that's just a great bonus.

Oh, I get to stay at a nicer hotel sometimes. That's a fucking, that's cool. Oh, I get to upgrade a little bit sometimes. That's cool. But if it doesn't happen, fine, dude, I'm already eating cake. I'm already fucking eating dessert. You're just telling me sometimes I get fruit? Right on. Fuck yeah. Like that's how I feel about everything. It's like, if I'm able to get something else because time and it's a little bit of a bonus, cool. If not, fucking, we get to eat dessert for a living. Like this is, it's a pretty good life. Life is good. Yeah. It's a good life. Life is good. I'll say something funny. I'll fucking bring it up. Don't say it. I think it's beautiful. That is how I feel. That's how I feel. And I want, you know, and we talked, we didn't get into it really, but with the special on Netflix, you were like, why would you do that? And why,

why this, why that route or whatever? It's like, again, dude, to me, it's like, you're quite a visionary. I'm not stuck in your dick. You're my friend for years. You have great vision. I just want to keep making this shit and I'm kind of letting it go on its own. A little bit more of being like, I want to see where things go and let them be as they may. I'm not good at like, knowing how to like chess piece as well. I'm good at being like,

I'm going to work really fucking hard and I'm going to put it out and I hope you fucking like the shit that I made. And if not, I'm going to try again. And I need to get better at doing the other stuff. But for now, I'm happy with the little, the moments of that I'm trying to push the pieces in. I mean, you know me, I always push people

to go to YouTube if they can, or try Moment, or these types of things. Just because I think that's where the most eyeballs are and the guys who actually have it, and I think you have it in terms of stand-up chops. There's usually justice, meaning people see it, and then they go see them out doing shows. Look at like Gillis, too. Shane was another example.

Exactly. But I thought about this when we were having that discussion earlier and I was like I wonder if Netflix is actually good specifically for you and some of your goals outside of comedy because having an impactful special on their platform

might make it easier to cast you in a film on that platform. That was genuinely part of our attack. Smart. I didn't think it was going to continue my career in that world. It's not that comedy is less important to me. But you also like this other thing. I love the other thing. You love it.

And it's this weird thing where comics, I don't know why, I think we sometimes kind of feel bashful admitting that they like acting because I think there were comics that used stand-up to get into acting and we kind of viewed them as like pariahs. They're like, you're getting in our way to do this. And we also only celebrate purists. You got to be a comedy purist.

Yeah, but name your favorite purist. Exactly. They all did something commercial. No, no, no. That was the biggest problem I always ran into when they were like, Atal, you're like, he had a fucking late night show talking to drunks. Yeah. It was one of the things that made him famous amongst people who didn't know him. It was amazing.

Yeah, it was absolutely fantastic. So it's like any purist that you know did something, quote unquote. The purist thing is bullshit. It's just a way to like criticize people and more successful. We all do that. Yeah, I don't subscribe to that. But I mean, it is a comedy habit. Comedians are like, that guy's a fucking actor.

I only do it if I don't think, if you're doing it for a cash grab, do whatever you want. I don't give a fuck. But like, I'm not going to go, oh, this is awesome that you're doing stand-up. I know what you mean. If you love stand-up and also love acting,

if you love stand-up and you love surfing, you know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. Do whatever you want to do. I just want to know, at least for me personally, that you love it. I don't give a fuck. But if you're, there's tons of people

who go into stand-up when they're getting broke. They're like, fuck it, all right, I'll go hit the road. But again, the question always remains, it's always gun to head.

If someone's like, stand-up or acting, you have to give them up. Right now, we'll shoot you in the face. Well, yeah, I would give up acting tomorrow. But I don't think.

No, but I would because I can only control that so much. Acting, you can't control that. Even if they were like, all right, stand-up or acting, and by the way, acting,

you're going to make sure you get jobs forever. You're never going to not work. I'd still go, I got to throw away acting. Because the vulnerability of stand-up is why we all loved it so much. It's like, dude, I can create my own world. And it's not always going to be a banger. Sometimes I'm not going to sell out.

And sometimes the audience is going to wane. And I'm going to have times where it's growing and times where it's stagnant. And sometimes my new shit's not going to work that well. And so, like, that's the reason that we like performing. That you were like, dude, I can fucking make this thing and see if people want to fuck with me. Freedom. Yeah, it's freedom. That's real freedom.

I mean. That's real freedom. Truly. And acting, you know. You rely on a lot of other parts you are you are you are

not greater you're not greater than this it's the ultimate team endeavor when you see what goes into making a film and there's 300 fucking people

over there doing this it's truly remarkable and it also looks like the greatest waste of money you've ever seen in your life like I'm looking around and I'm going hold on one second

we really need a guy to just stand by this box that's open. And the rule is if a box is open, you need someone to watch it so that somebody doesn't fall in. Like there's a grotesque. Those job interviews are hilarious. If you went up to a guy and you were like, what do you do?

And he's like, I watch that cord. I watch the box. That cord moves, I got to fucking pull it down. And then it's like, well, what happens if it never moves? Nothing. Then it's fine. Don't worry about it. What do they pay you?

It's like 180 grand. It's fucking, Hollywood might be the funniest. That guy does that. That person does that. And you're like. Yeah, it makes you think the mafia still runs it. It's like, y'all don't have, y'all don't have nothing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, sorry. No offense. Cut to commercial, bro. Fuck, oh gosh. Specify here. Oh, the Italian mafia. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Italian mafia. Specify here. Specify. Get specific over what mob.

No, you, but the one thing you'll learn in that, I mean, that people will learn about Hollywood as we continue to expose Hollywood in terms of like, more people now know about the insides of Hollywood than they ever have. The truth is that everybody wants to eat.

So everybody has a job because everybody wants to eat. So when you go, why does this guy have that gig and that, it's like, dude, everybody wants to eat and everyone just wants to get their hand in and go, can I have a little bit of food? That's what it is. And Hollywood is just that, that you're like, everyone's trying to make sure their friend eats.

You know how Sandler did his thing and became an icon to comedians to be like, dude, you can just put your friends and everything. I love it. He made sure everybody ate. Yeah. And so that's what everybody else is doing. But they're doing it behind the scenes, right? A production coordinator is making sure his homie eats and her homie eats, and that's just what that is.

You just see Sandler. When you're like, why does he put the same guys in on the family? It's like, because everybody would do that. Everybody would make sure their family ate. You would all do that. That's what the world is. You know what I mean? It's like, you want to make sure he has a gig,

and he has a gig, and if he's like, yo, my girl kind of needs, you're like, yo, I'm going to get this girl a gig. Yeah, that's how the world works. But to pretend that that doesn't work that way is weird. But Hollywood just gets scrutinized for it because you're like, what do all these people get paid for?

It's like, well, because they all need to eat. That's somebody's family. They need to fucking get paid. So I get it. It's just, when you see it in scale, you're like, fuck. I mean, it's remarkable. So much money.

Just being on a set and seeing the amount of people. Getting paid. I mean, it's crazy. Yeah. And you look at it and you're like, oh, wow,

Avatar cost $2 billion to make and it's just like, it's just blue paint. Just blue paint? Like, just paint them up? The guys with the drums, just go take their shit, Blue Man Group,

and bring it over. How is it too pale yet? By the way, that's the best ad. Avatar 2, it's just blue paint. That's all it is. It's just blue paint.

Listen, Santino, we love you. I love you guys, man. I want everybody to go check out Santino's special. Go see my new special. It's called Cheeseburger. It's on Netflix. Why is it called Cheeseburger? Watch the fucking special. There we go. I want everybody to go check out Santino's special. Go see my new special. It's called Cheeseburger. It's on Netflix.

Why is it called Cheeseburger? Watch the fucking special. There we go. You got to watch it to find out. You see it in a day in March? You see it in a day. It's coming in March. We don't have a release yet on day in March.

House Party comes out in January. I think it's the 19th. I'm not 100% sure. And then a show called Beef on Netflix with A24 with Ali Wong that is absolutely fire created by my boy Sonny. This will be a phenomenal show. It's kind of like the underbelly

of Los Angeles, Los Angeles, Korean town. Yeah, it's fucking dope. It's dope. Is it drama? Is it comedy? Is it a little bone?

It's inherently like a comedy at core, but it's dark. You get cast a lot as the white guy, I think. I haven't seen House Party, but I'm assuming House Party, the white guy. Let's not push them to stop. House Party, I am one of the only whites. I think you're the white guy of Hollywood.

Wow. I'm one of the only whites in that one. I'm one of the only whites in the Korean show. The House Party shit, Cal was great because he was like, you know, we were playing stuff at the door and of course I answered the door and they're like, you know, it's this old white guy, neighbor, and it's like, what are you, a fucking cop? And immediately I started improv-ing, you know?

And Cal was like, man, it's so funny. We're not going to be able to use any of that stuff. Because of course I was like, no, if I was a cop, I would have seen both of you two before. And he was like, it's great, but also, and I spoke with someone at the studio and they talked about like what jokes, like you and I talked about this, what jokes you can kind of try out and leave in.

It's always interesting. Like what you said about, would you say the N-word as a racist character? Well, yeah, if that was the character, of course I would. People, dumb people don't get it sometimes. You're like, dude, I'm playing the crazy guy. You want me to play the crazy guy?

I'm being the crazy guy. Yeah, Yeah. The crazy guy is not going to be rational about that. Right. Crazy all the way. So, so with that, like I'm this white dork who suspected these two black men. Yeah. That's literally the character. Yeah. So of course I was going off on this rant, but then, then I took a turn. Then the second time I was like, well, now I'm going to be like, I think I'm cool with black people. Yeah. So I'm like, dap me up, dogs. Which is funny as fuck. Well, I said that one line that might've stayed in the movie,

I don't know, but I said, and I'm down, by the way. I go, I'm down, boys, you know? And he's like, what? And I'm like, if anything's here, I'm fucking down. You know what I'm saying? And they were both like, and they're both like, I have no idea what you're talking about. And I was like, if anything's here, I'm fucking down. You know what I'm saying? And they were both like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

And I was like, I posted two black squares on my Instagram. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying about the beehive? And of course they were like, two black squares? That's excessive? And I was just like, well, it's, you know, just let them know. You know what I'm saying? They're like, please leave.

But playing with those worlds gets super fun because you get to live in that fucking shit. And I hope them, look, I hope the movie's good. I don't fucking, you never know. You never know.

Someone's like, how is it? You're like, I have no fucking idea. I hope people like it. I hope it works out. I didn't see it. I wasn't there.

I was here when they premiered it. They did a premiere. They're like, can you be there? I said, I got to do Flagrant. Yeah.

Let's go. Listen, make sure you check out all those things. Yes, check out the special on Netflix, Cheeseburger. And the tour.

Don't give him any money. Don't give him too much money because he will have a meltdown. I'll end up donating it back to the community. I'll give it back. You can give him new sneakers though.

You got to get rid of these. Get rid of these. These are trash? Yeah. You know who these are? These are Hasan Minhaj gave these to me. Oh,

they're great. He did. He gave me these boots. Does he make these are? These are Hasan Minhaj gave these to me. Oh, they're great. He did. He gave me these boots. Does he make cookies also? Oh, come on, bro. Put shit on my outfit with that bad dye job jacket. Don't do that. That sidewalk chalk jacket you got on.

Don't start with me. This shit is fire. This shit is fire. You know you like this shit. You like this shit. Sidewalk chalk is good. You are good with black people. That's cool. You can snap. We love each other. Yeah, go like this shit. You like this shit. You are good with black people. That's cool.

We love each other. Yeah, go watch that shit. Thank you so much, man. Watch all the pods. Andrew Santino, thank you for being here. I love you. Thank you, boys.

Thank you, boys.