Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Bert Kreischer Loves RUSSIA?!

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Bert Kreischer aka “The Machine” got involved with the Russian mafia 25 years ago and it became his biggest story ever… so as gift Andrew got him some Russian memorabilia to honor his time there 0:00 - start 1:00 - 2 Bears Race Team 7:00 - Bert can't have a Bus Muse 17:40 - CNN's Don Lemon's salary 29:00 - Bert's viral "The Machine" 38:00 - Bert loves Russia 44:15 - Louis CK's STD 52:00 - Bert losing his virginity 1:19:00 - Tom Segura's broken arm Flagrant 2 is a comedy podcast that delivers unfiltered, unapologetic, and unruly hot takes directly to your dome piece. In an era dictated by political correctness, hosts Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh, along with AlexxMedia and Mark Gagnon, could care less about sensitivities. If it’s funny and flagrant it flies. If you are sensitive this podcast is not for you. But if you miss the days of comedians actually being funny instead of preaching to a quire then welcome to The Flagrancy. Join the Patreon Asshole Army: http://bit.ly/2xQwHYf #Flagrant2 #AndrewSchulz #AkaashSingh New York native and internationally touring stand-up, Andrew Schulz is known for his hilarious and unsafe comedy. He has starred in the sitcom BENDERS (now available on Netflix), can be seen in Amazon’s SNEAKY PETE, HBO’s CRASHING, and on MTV including GUY CODE and GIRL CODE. In the podcast realm, Schulz can be heard on the wildly popular THE BRILLIANT IDIOTS — co-hosted by nationally syndicated radio and television personality Charlamagne tha God — the hilarious sports commentary podcast FLAGRANT 2, and the film and TV analysis podcast WESTERBROS. He has made major appearances on The Joe Rogan Experience, Bert Kreischer’s BERTCAST, Joey “coco” Diaz The Chuch of What’s Happening Now, and Theo Von’s This Past Weekend. He has even done solo interviews with the likes of Lil Duval and many others. Andrew’s online presence has touched hundreds of millions of people across the globe and his unconventionally funny approach to the comedy world has launched him into stardome. His shows Dropping In and Inside Jokes will rack of hundreds of thousands of views weekly. Nothing is off limits for Schulz, from sex to race, and even the occasional audience heckler roast, Andrew is hungry to be the best. He can be seen in New York City performing regularly at New York Comedy Club and the Comedy Cellar.

Since this experience in Russia changed your life, we thought we'd get you this shirt. I love Russia. I think that's good. That's really cool. Yeah, yeah. There you go, Brent. There you go. So that's a good one.

Thank you so much. I'm so happy to have this. We got you this one. This is a good one, too. This is good. Because of how much it's changed your life and your family's life, we just thought that you would like this. Putting in a bear, obviously.

You know, if you would, for whatever reason, you get cold during the podcast. Just something that you could possibly wear. I really appreciate it. So glad that I'm here, you know? I was hoping to get a splash on the internet. Hey, does anyone have a Klan hood? I'm going to throw one of those on real quick

anyone have any blackface real quick just touch up under my eyes oh fuck this is the biggest mistake of my life two bears racing's official motherfuckers so you guys sponsored a race team let's let's start here yeah, yeah. We're with Bert Kreischer, everybody. Hey, what's up, Bert Kreischer? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Talk about this race team. It's a pleasure to be here. I enjoy the podcast, so it's a pleasure to be here. Okay, yeah, yeah.

By the way, I bum-rushed Charlemagne the other day. Okay. I didn't realize. Yeah, he's had bad experiences with that. PTSD. Yeah, yeah, you can't run up on him. I mean, you're white, so it's okay. I slapped him in the face and said,

keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. I mean, you're white, so it's okay. I slapped him in the face and said, keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth. I saw DJ Envy, who's tall as shit. Definitely keep his wife's name out of your mouth. That's a good one. I watched that one.

And so I saw DJ Envy, and he's much taller than I thought. But I recognized this part of him, you know? The beard. Everything here is not what you than I thought. But I recognized this part of him, you know? The beard. Everything here is not what you think it is. And I went, hey. And I was going doing like old school, like old white people radio. It's in the same building. Z100.

Yeah. And I was like, hey, man, I'm a huge fan. And he was like, oh, thanks. And then I looked around. I was like, Angelo Yee and Charlamagne got to be right in the room. So I rolled in. I looked for Angelo first. And I saw Charlamagne.

And I was like, I just walked in their room. I I rolled in, I looked for Angela first and I saw Charlemagne and I was like, I just walked in their room. I was like, I'm a huge fan of the Breakfast Club and they were like, oh, this dad just, this soccer dad

just rolled in and I was like, no, it's like the DMX, you ever seen their DMX interview? When he goes, catch me if you can.

That's the best fucking interview ever. So you don't drive anymore? No, I still drive. Catch me if you can. I don't know, what were we talking

about before this? You just got a racing team so you spent a hundred thousand dollars so it started it started it started with birthday presents yeah so tommy bought me a birthday present for uh my wife bought me a shitty one for like my 46th birthday yeah yeah that never changes i know your money too she bought me a fucking wallet last year okay a wallet like yeah yeah yeah now she picks how i put that shit in my pocket yeah like a wallet's a very personal yeah no one buys other people fucking wallets does it have tom's name on it to me oh to me doesn't look like it just says tom yeah yeah so i get this she grabbed that from the bedside table, bro. I get this. That's wild, bro.

That's wild. That's laughable. Two bears, one kid. Keep his husband's name out of your mouth. Do you realize how many people are putting his wife's name in their mouth now? He does that. He goes, one of the funnest things to do is put it in my mouth. So three years ago, I got a shit birthday present.

I got a generator for my wife. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. And I was like, she's like, do you like it? And I was like, no. And then I'm sitting in my man cave. My daughter's giving me shit. My daughter's got me an owl one year.

Like, there's an owl to sit in my man cave with me, and I can drink with. Because I like owls. And then they took it away. That was my birthday present. Yeah. So Tom, Georgia comes running. My oldest comes back. She goes, don't go out front.

Tommy sent you the best gift. And I was like, what? And then Isla comes in. She goes, Bunz sent you the best gift, Dad. And I get out, and it's a $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, which one? It's, I don't know. Huck?

The big one. It looks like a beach cruiser. And so he calls me. He goes, go outside. I go outside. I see it. That night I get drunk. I take it everywhere.

I have the best fucking time. And the next day I see him. We do two bears. And I go, that was really thoughtful of you. And he goes, well, I enjoyed it, and I thought you you would enjoy it and we started talking about how men know men better yeah and we theorized that gay men give the best birthday presents and then gay listeners started emailing in their birthday presents because with gay men they have to one-up each other every year because they're men yes but they also love each other so like I got subway series tickets for my boyfriend

so Tom and I like that's what we'll do. We're going to do gay birthdays. We're going to do every year. You've got to buy someone. And so I was like, his birthday is in April. It's this April 15th. And so I said, I got him. Last year, I got him a $15,000 jet ski.

So he moved to Austin that goes 70 miles per hour on the water. And he calls me up. He's like, I love it. And then this year, I was really busy. And he spent $70 and he's like, I love it. And then this year I was really busy and he spent $70,000 on me for my birthday. He flew me in private jets, the G5s, from Minneapolis into Austin, from Austin to Sugarland, from Sugarland to LA, from LA back out.

He put me up at the Four Seasons everywhere. And he was like, that's your birthday present. So I had to spend $100,000 on his birthday this year. He spent a lot more than $70,000 on those jets. I just want to let you know. I think did and a lot more i bought him a race team you bought him a race team two bears racing so we've already sold ad sales to sponsors on the outside of the car we're going to do endurance racing matt farah from the smoking tire kind of hooked everything up yeah i bought him a bmw we're getting it wrapped it just got delivered to austin

the we have i bought a. I got a smoker. I got four more tires. I got three flame retardant suits. I think Rogan's going to run in our first race, but it's endurance racing. And so I had the whole fucking inside of the car pimped out with electronics so you can live stream from the car during a fucking race. It is fucking badass. So yeah, we started Two Bears Racing. And the endurance racing is like it's a 24-hour race.

I don't really know what the fuck it is. Yeah, that's what I think. I'm the money man behind it okay he looks like an endurance athlete guy with the cigar going god damn it he's running those tires hot like that's me that's my part racing so yeah it just got delivered yeah wow that's a good i'm gonna have a cocktail yeah i think that's a great idea does tom know about this yeah well yeah yeah it got complicated why i need to get his sizes. We had to start an LLC. I mean, it's like fucking, it's...

Being an adult. That's the worst part of being an adult. It's the worst, dude. Yeah. You're not even an adult yet. I know. You just got married. I know, I only have kids.

You haven't fantasized about your second wife yet. How long have you been doing that for? Oh, I do it all the time. Really? To my wife. I talk to my wife about it. I started introducing my wife as my first wife to people. Yeah.

And they're like, oh, you're divorced? I go, no, not yet. We're working on it. Yeah, yeah. They're like, oh? But yeah, no, I fuck around with her. Leanne's got a good sense of humor. She's game for everything.

Except, did I run this by you when we hung out? Probably. We wanted to get a bus muse. This is something, because you take the bus. A tour bus. I live on the tour bus yeah because you don't like flying i don't i don't like unless it's a g5 unless it's private yeah i really don't like flying i get my stomachs i'm just bad i'm bad i don't like wearing a mask i don't like

now with covid it's gotten really bad yeah like really bad i've talked about it on podcasts i hadn't had to get into therapy because of it wait really yeah yeah yeah i had a meltdown after i did red rocks uh i i was flying out of denver to go home and i just and i had a bad spell like bad spell i think i talked about on two bears one cave i had to go into therapy because of it because it was just like i don't know man it's like everyone's got fucking masks on and and no one can break the rules and it just seems like everything's like it's like it just it sends me through the roof and so and i got into a bad spin. And so now it's just easier if I go on the road, I fly out.

Everything's kind of clumped together anyway. Live on the bus for a month and then come into the city, do spots. We get a mountain house in Breckenridge next week. Like, just kind of like, it's an easier lifestyle. For me, it's healthier. And you want to muse for the bus. So I came up with the idea of getting a muse. Right after that, what's that girl's name?

Julia Fox. Megan Fox. Julia Fox. Julia Fox. Uncut Gems. She's like, yeah, she's like, I'm his muse. And I was like, I bet that's real, right? Yeah. I was like, what if we pay a chick, hot chick, smoking hot chick,

$1,000 a week to live on our bus, just roll joints, just be giddy, just be like Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. And I was like, hey, do you guys want cocktails? And you're like, fuck yeah. And then you just inspired, you're more creative, I'm working on my next hour. My wife killed that immediately.

What was her issue with that? What did she find weird about it? Just paying a woman to just be giddy? Am I not happy enough? And definitely fuck her in the future? No one can fuck her. That's the part of a music video. No one can fuck her.

No one can fuck her. Those are the rules. Yeah, fuck yeah. It's a job. Well, that's a job. Hold on. Don't for a second. I know your brain works the way my brain does.

Okay, go. Content? Yes. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. We had Rosebud Baker on our bus for one week, and our views were through the fucking roof. And she's Rosebud.

Imagine if you get a professional fucking muse. Imagine if you get a fucking... Someone giddy. Just like, not vape pen, and just fucking rolling joints in a bikini. And she comes out, and she's like, I think we should play hide and go seek on the bus tonight. You're like, fuck yeah! And just content. I was like, content would be great.

But no one can fuck her. No one can fuck her. Everybody has to treat her with respect. You just get to pick her outfit. Well, we're going to work as a team. We need to, you know. You can be her muse for outfits. By the way, I'm her mentor her mentor right so my wife's like

i'm looking for an entanglement all right you gotta try these they're so fucking good okay let me try one let me try one i don't drink it doesn't drink oh that's right do you still drink a gallon of kool-aid a day taste that and tell me and you're gonna oh this still drink a gallon Of Kool-Aid a day? Taste that And tell me And you're gonna understand Oh this is why It's a Kool-Aid beverage

Basically Taste it Yeah yeah yeah Oh that's great It's fucking great Yeah Dirty girl Tastes like a treat

Wait transfusion There you go Dirty girl Trans? Dirty girl Trans Hell yeah What do you think of the swimmer?

What? The trans swimmer? Is that on your radar at all radar no no no this is a great oh i love this this is great anytime it's a really like political or controversial topic you just go wait what's happening i don't know how do you feel about january 6th what happened was that a weekend was that supposed to be i wish I did that about everything. There's so much I wish I did. Today they called me. Because we would believe it with you. We could 100% believe that you missed the whole storming of the Capitol. Yeah.

I was late to it, definitely. I was definitely late to it. And at the beginning, I was definitely one of the guys that was like, oh, cool, I'm witnessing history. And then I was like, oh, not cool, not cool, not cool. And then later you're like, I'm not cool. I was like, wait, how do we feel about this? Anything political, I'm witnessing history. And then I was like, oh, not cool, not cool, not cool. And then later you're like, how do we feel about this? Anything political, I got to put out feelers first and go, what's your take on this? Okay, okay.

Like, I'm not Tim Dillon. I am not Tim Dillon. You know Lil' Duval? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lil' Duval's thing is great. He's like, I'm voting for who y'all voting for. Whatever his fans say. He just goes, who we voting for in the election?

Okay, that's what I'm voting for. Because I want to do weekends still. Yeah. Oh, I'm not political in that. I remember Meghan Markle. Yeah. That's one thing I caught was that interview, right? Yeah.

And my sounding board was wrong. Like, I talked to the wrong person. You were supporting Meghan? No. No, no, no, no. No. He's bashing Meghan. I was bashing Meghan. And then. I think your sounding board is, no, no, no, no. He's bashing Megan. I was bashing Megan.

And then I think your sounding board is. That's the right thing, right? No. Well, my sounding board was fucking Tim Dillon. I texted Tim. I was like, what did you think about this Malcolm Markle thing? And he's like, you're saying you don't want to be controversial. So you asked Tim Dillon for his opinion.

I know. No, I'm just, I'm just running it by him to see what he thinks. Like going like hearing about it. And then I go, yeah, that's how I feel. And then my dad never let me agree on it like never let me be right ah so whatever the thing was i can always argue the other side of it yeah gotcha so like the iraq war started yeah and i came home with my opinion yeah i was 17 years 16 17 and i was like fucking war is bullshit uh we need to stop the war and my dad's like you're a fucking idiot go to your room and i

was i'm 17 so i go to my room i'm sitting there and he comes up he goes do you know why you're stupid and i said no he was like well come on down i'll explain to you why you're an idiot he's like saddam hussein is exterminating another whole race of people he is doing it with chemical warfare and this is the first opportunity in my lifetime that i'm getting to watch a war happen so why don't you sit down and we'll watch this war and we'll have a conversation about it. I was like, oh. My dad did that to me my whole fucking life. Will Smith, Chris Rock, last night.

Yeah. Hits it. Now, I know Will. I've known Will for, I knew Will, I should say, but I know Will. I don't know him to be that guy. Yeah. say but i mean i know will i don't know him to be that guy yeah but i see the look on chris's face after the slap yeah he tries to put words together yeah and i identify with that guy that's who i am i got beat up for telling jokes like i got beat up in college uh for writing a

song and about our fraternity and one guy just you know people that don't get jokes are just dumber than everyone else they just are really yeah sometimes yeah and he took it the wrong way i used his girlfriend's name in it and he fucking suplexed me on my head gave me a concussion they found me about his girlfriend i'm not saying it again you're not gonna find him it's been that fucking long no he lives in tampa and i still don't want to fight that fucking guy really all i said is that he fucked her it's like her name rhyme he fucks his girlfriend that's all i said is that he fucks and probably a lot of other guys too no no no i said since then i said he no he married her he's married to her yeah but still he's in tampa he's in tampa and so fucking

buccaneers probably ran through that you're gonna get him suplexed again bro why would you make me say these things why would you do this to me but so i've been there so i when when chris got hit when he was like when he stumbled and he was like yeah yeah yeah i've been that guy so like my instinct is to every comic's been that guy any comic yeah no comics aren't tough guys there's no tough guy comics even as tough as you think you are you're still not that tough right yeah and so like i don't know i just the idea that he got i don't know that he got slapped but then so then my brain goes by no will right and i imagine if someone said so i do that all the time right i go both sides of the fence yeah so i never really

that's why i don't talk about politics i trashed uh britney spears's the other day yeah because you see the picture of her boyfriend yeah pulls out the new watch yeah looking nice velvet gloves on yeah and i was like oh that was smart man yeah you guys just got your money from the thing and that's you go out and buy a 250 000 watch and then i started shitting on them and then in the middle of shitting on them i flipped it and started shitting on the dad and then i'm like so i have an ability to find both sides yeah that's good that makes it fun you have to talk a lot for a living you're in the right place too yeah this is what was the one you were saying before this is a spin zone transgender swimmer oh yeah the transgender swimmer i only know one swimmer okay caleb dressel oh yeah i'm challenging him to a swim

he's the world record holder for the 50 free. And what are you challenging him in? I'm challenging him in freestyle. Okay. And so we're going to handicap it. So I just texted him the other day. We're going to put him, I think, in overalls, Daisy Duke overalls, and I'm going to get flippers.

And we're going to see if I can beat him. And if I beat him, I get a deal at Speedo. That guy? That guy. Yeah, yeah. That's that's gonna be tough he is gorgeous yeah he's a piece i'm not gonna speedo came up with that bathing suit i don't think they ever had that in mind but man that looks good on us yeah that one right there the big one that you have go back to the big one where he looks like the fucking persian king and 300 yeah god they're flexing boy yeah and here i am wearing kanye's hoodie looking like ralphie may yeah

so yeah so like that's where i'm i'm the kind of guy that would like if you show me if if you go him and you don't want to take a look at these pictures if i'm not in them i'm not there i don't give a fuck to see anything i'm not in yeah like what you said you're a comic he goes yeah he goes he goes yeah i'm gonna leave on thursday i go where are you going you go my wife's got time like i'm out yeah yeah i don't care yeah yeah i admired that i admired the who are we kidding i don't give a fuck i know my limitations i'm very uh i think i think about comedy that's all i want to fucking think about is comedy. That's it.

So why do you need this muse bitch on the bus if you already think about comedy? Take my comedy to the next fucking level. She's going to be the inspiration. Have you ever had a muse? Like a dated a chick where you just dated and it didn't work out. My wife's nagging gives me a lot of material actually. So yes, in a sense. My wife said to me, I thought I was your muse.

I said, you're my muffler. You tell me what not to say. I say the fucking, and then my wife said to me i thought i was your muse i said you're my muffler you tell me what not to say i say the fucking and then my wife would be like that's the whole fucking don lemon shit yeah yeah she was like that's not coming out and i was like hold on she goes no you're an asshole you look like an asshole and she goes i don't know if you're laughing made him laugh harder but you guys are laughing so fucking hard so that's my wife my wife's a muffler. When I recorded BurtCast with Burt, the episode will come out sometime in 2026.

I was waiting. Listen, I was waiting until all the ones that you did in LA came out and then give you that second bump. You're the best. If you dump him with everyone else, everyone's like, oh, I just saw him on that. He's probably saying the same shit. I tease. But we found out how much Don Lemon made. some reason it came up cnn news anchor don lemon cnn

news anchor guess how much don lemon makes i mean it's a lot of money to most people it's a hold on stop you're already setting it up in a bad way this is why we have to edit it out how much do you think don lemon makes uh maybe 10 million 10 million a year. What do you think? Three, four, three, four. That's interesting that you picked that. What do you think? Yeah. I was thinking, honestly, I was thinking he's probably in a five-year deal. Probably worth a hundred million.

He's facing 20 million a year, 20 million a year. Cause he's, he works every day, right? He's on air. He's the face of maybe the most popular news network on the planet yeah now let's go pull up patreon real quick and see what the average patreon guy gets and then so based on patreon which is us right yeah that's us not me but that's our group of friends yeah yeah knowing what tim dillon makes tim dillon makes a quarter of a million every month i think roughly it's probably up by now yeah when i saw that tom that $4 million a year

it just struck me you can't pick what you laugh at I've never seen a human being laugh harder and I think Mark knew how much he made I think Mark knew I told him the story why was it so shocking because I everything made sense he had to dress a way right

no it was a suit he had to put on the suit. He had to put on the suit. He has to live in Atlanta. I worked for Travel Channel, right? And I remember the hoops I had to jump through. The person I had to be to work for the network. Couldn't smoke weed on air with Rogan.

I couldn't really. They asked me to stop cursing a lot on stage. You have to sacrifice. You have to sacrifice so much of who you are. For an amount of money. For an amount of money. to sacrifice so much for an amount of money for amount of money and my nut yeah was at the time was i'm i want to say a million dollars a year yeah and and i and i remember i remember thinking it's worth it i was like it's fucking worth it now that was travel channel yeah right

see that laugh that laugh i told you to go to people's garages. This guy's saying what happened the day. He's made $4 million. Don't get me. I'm not going to start laughing. I'm not going to start laughing. No, it's crazy. He's got to show up every day and say what happened.

And you just had to go, let's have a barbeque. This is everything I've said. And my wife fucking hated me for it. She goes, this will never come out. Everything he said. It's not about the money. It's about how much it would cause you to do that. To live in Atlanta.

That's number one. Just number one. Number one. I love Atlanta, but you're going to say I got to live in Atlanta. Yeah, yeah. So now hold on. If you are making $4 million, it goes a little longer in Atlanta. You don't think they got Kool-Aid in Atlanta, bro?

You are Atlanta. To be honest, there was am not Atlanta There was a time You are Atlanta There was a time You would have killed To live in Atlanta What's your daughter's name? Georgia

Thank you Thank you You are Atlanta, Bert Bro, I possibly am Atlanta Now You love hip hop I might pivot well You love hip hop music

I might pivot well Okay, hold on I didn't think this through Dude, you're white Rick Ross I can I would like Atlanta a lot You're Richard Ross Do you like how I flip up on myself?

You are fucking Atlanta, dude. I'm hanging out with Big Boy from OutKast, Andre 3000. Let's get him to laugh again. Let's get him to laugh again. Let's flip him again. Killer Mike. I could live in Atlanta. I might like that.

Okay, so you're into Atlanta. Okay, I'm into Atlanta. The guy has to live in Atlanta, dude. Wear that stupid suit. Humid. Humid Atlanta. Pretend he doesn't suck dicks. He has to change his voice

when he goes into the office so he can make people think he doesn't suck dicks in the Hamptons. See, this is what my wife didn't want. She goes, you're getting on Don Lemon's radar. And that guy is a,

like that network. How powerful is he if he makes $4 million? If he makes $4 million, put a hit out on him. It's $4 million. It makes sense million dollars put a hit out on him four million it makes sense you make good money bro

not like a murder but what I don't know suck his dick somewhere come on Bert I'm not fucking with Don Lemon I'm taking it out apparently this has been edited out

I did not know are you what you're afraid of Don Lemon no no no no you know what I'm afraid of what are you afraid of I'm afraid I'm afraid that people will listen because you said at one point you go four million dollars

is a lot of money it looks like i'm laughing at four million dollars you're laughing you are i'm laughing at the sacrifice yes that like when you look at like the the life we get where you call me today and you're like hey you want to do wednesday instead and i'm like yeah and then you go all right let's do it freedom the amount of. You're Florida. The amount of freedom I have. And you look at Rogan, right? What is his deal? I mean, I know what they say it's worth. I know what it's worth.

Yeah, don't, don't, don't, don't. And so like. It's what they say. That's why people hate him. That's why people hate him is because at your best, at your best, that's as high as you can go on that network. That's as high. Because they have to do that.

It's almost like it's not i mean oh that's why they hate rogan because they know what they make yeah and they know what he makes all the limited freedom they lie like they're going to work to lie and wear a suit and restrictions restrictions restrictions and they still can't make the money from that i mean never never i mean and then you look at like chris cuomo gets fired and you go that's probably the best thing that ever happened to that fucking guy. Yeah. You think?

Megan Kelly? Yeah. She goes off on her own and signs a huge fucking deal. Yeah. And you go, that's the money. She got fired from that one, too. For real? Yeah.

She's hot as fuck. Beautiful woman. Muse. Oh. Muse. Muse. That's the news muse. The news muse.

Yeah, dude. Dude, you wake up. Her and Leanne would get along. Uh-huh. You don't think, dude? At what point do I start making eye contact with my wife when Megyn Kelly's in the room? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up, Leanne.

She's talking. Go ahead. Shut up, Leanne. She's talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got bills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Leanne, Leanne, I think the dogs are barking. Go ahead, Megyn. I'm so sorry. We're finished. She interrupted us. Keep going. Leanne, you're interrupting me like I make $4 million or something. Fall in line, lady.

I'm sweating already from this fucking podcast. Let's go, boy. So yeah, that's the whole fucking, that was the whole. Listen. You need to put it out. Let us put it on our Patreon. Okay. You'll see Bert Kreischer and his man Cave in fucking flip flops.

Yes. Cry laughing at Don Lemon making $4 million a year for at least two and a half minutes straight. patreon okay you'll see bert kreischer and his man cave in fucking flip-flops yes cry laughing at don lemon making four million dollars a year for at least two and a half minutes i mean if i was don lemon that would break my fucking heart it would break it would break my heart like you are dying laughing at the peak of my career the peak of my career it's so funny yeah you lost it at me i i couldn't i you know when i when people laugh really hard it makes me laugh really hard let's get the pinky out and the fucking kool-aid son this guy don't make no four million dollars he's classy it's why it's like the best is even i can talk about it because

no one saw it when you see it it's different it's like a sex tape when you go i think it's funnier when you see it oh yeah it's it's not. Leanne was fucking disgusted at me. Really? It's like when she saw, we were thinking at one point to release the Ari drugging me thing. Oh, we need to talk about that. That's craziness. Yeah. We were thinking at one point to release that and I showed it to someone. And they said no.

It's so disturbing. Yeah. It's just, it's like, it's real. It's like watching. Yeah, but you see me in a different light. You see me scared. Like it's, it's not, it's like not. Oh, you're not having fun.

You're like, what's happening to me? Oh, dude, I got, oh no, I wasn't having fun at all. I was, I had to watch him have a panic attack. I get. That's kind of funny. My face is like, goes into a weird way and i'm like do you have it on you by the way no no no i have it i have it uploaded to a server and then i i've showed it to people and it's just it's like he seems very callous like he is like he's i go

you it it's very real like i go uh hey man uh I feel weird he's like do you do you because he's high and I'm like yeah what's wrong he goes maybe someone put something in your drink and I was like huh and he's like okay it's it you're on molly and I and you see me realize I'm on a list of medications I have high blood pressure I don't know how I'm going to react to this and I am feeling weird like my face is burning and you see it in my eyes and then you see him really not give a fuck

like genuinely not give a fuck about possibly losing a friend it's just as bad oh you thought you were going to die 100% guy medication perhaps reacting badly that changes the whole thing. All right, guys, we're going to take a break.

We need to talk about the infamous tour. New York City, thank you so much. Right now, there are only single seats available for Radio City. That is fucking unreal. Amazing. Yeah, thank you guys so much. That's absolutely amazing. That's 12,000 tickets we sold, man.

That is big numbers, bro. All we got left is Atlantic City and much. That's absolutely amazing. That's 12,000 tickets we sold, man. That is big numbers, bro. All we got left is Atlantic City and Vancouver. That's it. So, hey, theandrewschultz.com. You want to come see the Infamous Tour? Those are the places. And then it's a wrap, man. Then we get out to special, and then we start from scratch,

and that's going to be fun. Hell yeah. So, Akash, what you got cooking, man? Yo, this weekend, Toledo. I'm coming to the Funny Bone. Come through. April 8th and 9th, I'm coming to the funny bone. Come through. April 8th and 9th, I'm going to be at the Tampa Improv. And obviously, Toronto.

Tickets are going fast. April 22nd and 23rd. We're not going to be able to add a show. So, if you don't get tickets to this, you are stuck out of luck. Go to akashsingh.com for tickets. Now, let's get back to the show. You're going to save money by doing absolutely nothing. You're welcome.

Okay? Honey has got your back. What is honey? Very simply, a browser extension searches the entire fucking internet, finds the coupon codes for whatever website that you're on, inserts it, you get that discount. Think about that. You don't have to go busy searching Reddit and all these other places to find a discount code when you're buying some Adidas sandals.

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you support yourself, You support your wife. You support your family because you're someone who protects your family. Okay. Look at those prices online. Slap the shit out of them with honey. That's what honey does for you. And you're going to use it right now. All you got to do when you're shopping online is make sure you're using that browser extension. The honey button is going to drop down at checkout and all you have to do is click apply coupons that's it you are good to go now let's get back to the show uh burt okay uh you know it's something i really admire about you i love that you lean in to your most viral moment yes and you're you're proud of it you you you honor it you want to celebrate are you talking about the machine yeah oh yeah like we've had these kind of conversations before but i just loved it like

some people like have a moment and they run away and they're like i don't want this thing to define me when it's like these moments always define you and you'll have others that also define you etc but they're so afraid of having that one thing right i have theories i have theories okay i have a theory that every comic needs something big to pop once and then a body of work behind them to blow them up i think that and i think yeah for uh bill burr is the philly thing if his philly thing goes viral everyone sees that the other thing and they see all the shit he's done but you need the you need the body of work as well he's punching the head right yeah yeah joe rogan carlos messia yeah everyone needs that pop yeah for me it was that machine story and uh and i i gotta be honest i was done telling the story when i went back out on the road so it goes viral like six years ago on the 28th of december it goes viral and it's

and then i go to vinnie brand's club stress factory and it sells out and i and it was a blizzard and i was like what the fuck i literally said on the Thursday show, why are you guys here? Because I knew my numbers, right? And they're like, the machine. And I was like, oh, I've retired that story. And they're like, the fuck you have. And so the way I saw it, I was like, okay, well, this tour is in comedy clubs. Now these are sold out.

They're all sold out. We've added Thursday and Sunday shows, two on each. and so there's more people that i've ever seen me so i'll tell it for all the new people and then the next time you go in and you're doing two wednesday two thursday two friday three saturday two sunday and then adding and so i was like oh it's more people well i'll tell them for the new people and then you do theaters then you do two shows a night of theaters then you do bigger theaters then you do arenas and then you're like well fuck it's always more people and and i'll be honest i was with ari and i look i still love ari but i was with him and he was like don't tell the fucking story tonight i went you're gonna listen to what happens when i don't

and i go up and i was like all right that's it and they start booing and they're like tell the fucking machine and i'm like wow all right and so i tell it they go the second I say when I was 22 years old I got involved the Russian Mafia They go fucking nuts and as long as they go nuts I will be there because here's the other thing not to get too inside baseball, but get inside get it is I also Was a failure in this business at one point. So I remember Thinking give me one thing. Give me one thing to help me splash i i sat at the ryman theater and i watched angela johnson perform

she did two shows i was with ari uh nate bargazzi and and just the three of us and i said out loud to both of them this is before the machine goes viral give me one bit that is as popular as her nail salon bit that i can sell out the rhyman twice i will tell it every fucking show i have no problem with it i have no problem with it now i'm doing two rhymans and the grand old opry my first time in nashville and you go hey man remember what you wished for all you want is people to come to your shows that's it i every time I do a brand new hour, I've had, this is my third hour on Netflix that I'm getting ready for. Every time I do a brand new hour,

the hours perform really well. People quote bits out of that, but the machine story, I think, was just, it was a different monster. I mean, I made a movie out of it. Merch, tours, a nickname, and I go, I'm not going to fucking. I think it's great.

I love it. What's the guy's name? Jimmy Buffett. Give me. Dude, I met Jimmy Buffett at Red Rocks. Can you explain Jimmy Buffett to people who probably don't know who he is? Yeah, I can't. Yeah, crack one of those open.

Okay. Fucking Jimmy Buffett is all of us. Buffett is all of us. We all have a little bit of greatness in us, and we're lucky enough if at one point that greatness rears its head and allows us to shine. Now, for some kids. That's the gayest thing I've ever said. Brad Radke.

Brad Radke. I played baseball with him. Right? You ever play sports? You box, right? Basketball. Basketball. Do you ever play with someone that goes pro?

Not pro, but sure, good enough. Yeah, yeah. Brad Radke, I played baseball with him. Every time he played, everyone was like, there's something special about that kid. And I remember wanting, everyone on our team wanted to be special like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so Jimmy Buffett represents that because he put out one album of just bangers and then was like, yup, I'll keep writing. But if you want to hear the hits, I am not better than you.

I'm here for the hits. Now, what is the song we all know from Jimmy Buffett? Well, I'm a big Jimmy Buffett fan, so I could name everything. The average person. Cheeseburger in Paradise, Margaritaville. Margaritaville. Wasted away again in Margaritaville. Iitaville i only know that line but i know that line but margaritaville is also like a chain of dude like his business model is crazy yeah yeah yeah yeah machine bars i'll do so margaritaville

is based around his song but it's also restaurant he owns i think all like the alcohol that's in it it's like an experience built around who he is. And it's completely vertically integrated. And he's leaned into this very successful song. And these people come to see him. They absolutely love him. And I see inspiration of that with you. And I think it's awesome.

And I was talking to Derek Poston, who opens for us, a hilarious comic. And he went to your show. And he was like, he gets it in terms of terms of show now I haven't seen your show yet but like from the way he described it you make the whole show a show it starts before the show even happens that's something that we pride ourselves on it's like when you walk in the venue I watch your videos so when I see other people doing it I'm like okay I'm like if I always look at people who have success over a long period of time and you just see them continually growing that means the show is really good because those

people can see a show and then go okay i saw i don't need to come back and then the numbers dwindle we see people have quick pops and all of a sudden they're back playing one-nighters when you see people continue to grow they're delivering an experience is you got to be in the moment you got to love it yeah and you got to be you got to be in the moment. You've got to love it. And you've got to be cool with failure. Because if you're not cool with failure, you're never going to try new shit. And so I've tried a lot of shit

that worked and didn't work, and then I just leave the stuff that works. I mean, a perfect example is that Drive-In Movie Theater tour. I came up with that idea. That looked amazing on video, but as a comic,'m like this would be the worst possible way to perform stand-up there are comics that did not like it yeah however

i knew what i was offering so i was offering was an opportunity now we played some venues like the amphitheaters were fucking amazing they're built for right built for it there's places that are built for it but we went in and the first day we were in north carolina it was in a rock quarry and people were getting to get out of their house for the first time and live normal they were all staying socially distant but they brought smokers and grills and couches and filled the bed of their truck up with water brought hot tubs and they were getting to live like like getting to fucking tailgate and have a blast yeah yeah we i said i was gonna do four of them and i ended up doing 35 cities 75 shows and the experience that i saw was amazing now were there times that it was not the best show 100 yeah but i'll never forget it and everyone that went to them they go hey man

i watched a great comedy show, but more importantly, I got out of the house when everyone was locked in and I fucking felt like I was a part of a community. I had a communal experience. It was awesome dude. And you can talk to anyone, Nate Bargatze,

Jim Gaffigan, Brian Regan, they all did them. And, and, and man, that first show, I'll tell you,

it was rough. I got up, I was, I'd had an hour ready and I did it in 35 minutes. I got told the I'd had an hour ready, and I did it in 35 minutes. I told the machine story twice. But you gotta be, because I wanted Tom to do it with me. And Tom was like,

oh man, I don't want to be a guinea pig. And I was like, I'm cool with being a guinea pig. I like trying new shit. Like I want, I don't know, I like to learn from people. Like when I watch you guys, like I don't know. I like to learn from people. Like when I watch you guys, like, I don't think I'm not watching you like a student where I go like,

Oh, that's fucking badass. That's a great idea. Now I'll never take anyone's idea, but if I, if that inspires me to do something creative, yeah, dude,

Rogan, look at Rogan. My whole career is based off of me meeting Joe Rogan in his house, doing a podcast and going, this is fucking sick. I want to do this. This is what I want. And the next, you know, I got two bears one cave we have bill burt uh fucking you name it and and and burt cast open tabs and i go oh i love being inspired from comics you know yeah

no it's great and that's the cool thing like even that that machine store like for those of you don't uh are not familiar with it make sure you go check it out it's got fucking tens of millions of views online i'm sure what is it probably yeah 85 85 million on all platforms yeah and like this is your experience in russia and you got kind of like kidnapped a little bit got involved with the mafia and um but weirdly this like you know horrendous experience in russia all now you have this amazing blossoming career not because of it you did a lot of other work, but it definitely helped. It's because of it. That one splash. So you've got to have some good feeling towards... Dude, I was hustling

hard as fuck in stand-up. I was trying hard. I was doing all the things. This is what's frustrating about this business. You hear people go, hard work, hard work. You go, you need some luck. You need a couple things of luck. Something to just happen where... Hard work is the foundation that luck is going to make all those plants start to grow you plant all the seeds so there's got to

be this little bit of you know love obviously uh for russia so you know we made sure that we got a couple things for you you know oh shit start with the yeah yeah so um since this experience in russia you know changed your life we thought we'd get you this shirt. I love Russia. I think that that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go.

There you go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to have this. We also got you this one. This is a good one, too. Because of how much it's changed your life and your family's life and your kids. Oh, thank you, Shannon.

Thank you. We just thought that you would like this. Putin and a bear, obviously. Exactly, like two bears, the camera. This is great. This is great. One bear, one Putin. One bear, obviously. Exactly, like two bears, the cave or whatever. This is great. One bear, one Putin. One bear, one dictator.

So we just got some vodka in case you want to start going. Probably your favorite vodka. Just in case. Totally. It's my favorite. Yeah. And, you know, if you went for whatever reason, you get cold during the podcast. Just something, again, that you could possibly wear.

I really appreciate it. This is so glad that I'm here, you know? I was hoping to get a splash on the internet. We'll make sure you get a splash. I mean, Russ has given you so much.

Throughout the podcast. Hey, does anyone have a clan hood? I'm going to throw one of those on real quick. Hey, can anyone have any blackface? Real quick, just touch up

under my eyes. Oh, fuck. This is the biggest mistake of my life. I'm editing that Don Lemon thing out tomorrow. Welcome to the Flagger 2 podcast. We're here with Burt Kreischer.

Now, have people accused you of being a Russian spy? Oh, well, when I spent my time in Dresden after the war, I was working with the KGB, and it just wasn't exciting. And when I was there, the Soviet Union changed so much during perestroika that I thought, this isn't the Russia I grew up knowing and loving. That's right. So I was like, we need to reclaim these outer places. Belarus, Ukraine.

That's what I said. This is your idea. You realize this will get taken out of context. What? They're going to be like, by the way, I will fucking tour Russia internet and then they're gonna be like by the way i will fucking tour russia hard as fuck i will be like fucking five shows in moscow at the bolshoi ballet now um in support of ukraine would you take the machine story out of your act as some

of these colleges have stopped performing Tchaikovsky and other things? Take these off while this changes. I got a fucking movie in the can. Listen, I'll repost whatever you need me to repost. Actually, we did. I'm taking it out of my act. We did some research on this. I think you're clean.

Oh. Because when you were there... Yeah. Yeltsin... Yeltsin... Yeah. Yeah, Boris Yeltsin. ...was in charge.

Yep. Not Putin. Yeah. It was technically Soviet Union, if I'm not mistaken. No, it was not. No? No. It was after Perestroika.

It was the 90s? Yeah. It was the 90s? Fuck. Okay, fine. But it was still Yeltsin. It was Yeltsin. So you're good, dude.

I'm good. And by the way- Everybody loved Yeltsin. Yeah. He was like the big dancing bear. Yeah. And didn't he have like a little birthmark or some shit? No, that's-

That's no. Lennon. Chekhov. Not Chekhov. Lennon? No, but not Yeltsin. Yeltsin was pudgy face. Hang on.

Stop. Stop. Yeah. He was the guy I had. He was like my guy growing up. Gorbachev. Gorbachev! Gorbachev. Gorby!

Dude, I remember saying to someone, I wrote a book, and in it I wrote about the machine. I wrote the story, and I remember explaining what I thought of Russians as a kid. It's like when we were kids, and I'm older than you guys, we were fighting the commies, right and you just didn't you were like oh they wear like like leather boots with wooden soles and their clothes itch and and i and i didn't realize that a bunch of russian people would read that and go yeah that was our fucking life they got upset yeah

they're like yo i mean i feel bad for russian people i really do people yes the people yeah they can't do anything they're stuck they're literally stuck there if they talk some shit they get locked up maybe killed whatever like all just pussy riot pussy riot still in jail i think no yeah dude really yeah i have that joke in my movie and i don't think anyone's gonna get it no one remembers who pussy riot was i remember those two lesbian girls i think it was three and one was fucking hot and she did a porn muse in a heartbeat i think you can get them out how fun ready yes you're in bed everyone's in bed they're in their bunks right she puts on that pink ski mask rips off her top and says uh fucking all the things she said jokes written on lipstick that's tattoo oh that's tattoo

come on sorry was that am i thinking of tattoo i think That's tattoo. Oh, that's tattoo. Come on. Sorry. Was that not? Am I thinking of tattoo? No. I think you're thinking of tattoo. You're thinking of tattoo. No, that's Pussy Riot. That's Pussy Riot. All the things she said. They're not. Pussy Riot's in jail.

Pussy Riot's in jail. That's Pussy Riot. Type in there's one Pussy Riot girl who did a porn. She is hot. Can we get that porn up? Yeah. How long ago was this porn? Oh, it's got to be a while now.

Oh, we don't need that. Wait, why, why, why, why? We need a more modern muse you know oh yeah she had a kid i think she had a kid she's not gonna be like giddy you still want that like positive energy she's downtrodden by life a russian muse would be pretty fucking badass cigarette voice you don't need that get a nice young muse while you get up this uh what is it pussy riot girl while you get up the pussy they used to do like, her and her boyfriend used to have sex videos. I guess they're porns, but they were doing them for something else.

They were doing them to raise awareness or something. For freedom. I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of pornography, probably. While we're talking about sex, Louis C.K., another little drama. Yeah. I saw that.

I just saw the headline. Wild headline. You just saw it? I did. I just saw the headline before we saw the headline. Wild headline. You just saw it? I did. I just saw the headline before we did this podcast. Wild headline. Have you guys, someone read, I listen. Can you read the email?

Wait, what? Oh, I had to sanitize. We ain't shit. Comedians ain't shit. I sent that to three people before I even read the article. I just like the text. Yeah. Dude, I would love, can I tell you what i'd love i'd

love to trade my rogan text thread for your rogan text thread and see what we say it's the same i guarantee you i want to see i would love to see if like because like sometimes you'll text something to someone and you're like and then you'll hear them talk about it in a podcast yeah and you're like you're not gonna give me fucking credit i put you on game you didn't even know what dead naming was before i texted i need my fucking glasses wait hold on do you want me to look at wow wow wow tell me if you got this in your okay in your chat thread do you have that in your chat not yet not yet that's a good one that's a good one by the way i watched did you see did you get a aqua ma'am no that's the the trans swimmer, Aquamam? No.

No? He don't get it. Is that you, Shifty? I got that a few times. I just wanted to say. I got it. Well done, Chifflis. He really said your name to shit on you. God, man. So much shit has gone down since then. The email? It's like fucking crazy. Which Louis thing are we talking about? Why don't I just pull up the article that Andrew sent me

20 minutes ago? Hang on, hang on one second. My favorite part was his The email? It's like fucking crazy. Wait, which Louis thing are we talking about? Why don't I just pull up the article that Andrew sent me 20 minutes ago? Yeah. My favorite part was his, here you go. This is, so, I don't know the lady. The lady's in like Bad Vegan or something. Selma Mengalis. I didn't even think she was a hot. Sounds like a nice name.

I agree. But we saw the mugshot picture. What is that? Ugly chicks can't get into these. No, but everyone wanted to have sex with her. Alec Baldwin. Oh, really? Yeah, people were obsessed with her.

That's what I said in the article. Everyone was obsessed with this woman. And she's cute, I guess. Wait a minute. Alec Baldwin was shooting his shot? He was there. Everyone was there. Owen Wilson would live there.

He'd walk around barefoot. And so, yeah, I don't really know. She's cute, I guess, but you see her mugshot. You see the dude she ended up dating, and you're like, ugh. Oh, no, she looks pretty there. Yeah, but you've got to see her mugshot. She's not that hot. Okay, so then what happened?

You're asking me? Yeah, I don't know what happened. Well, she accused. So I guess in the testimony, they go through and they pull out. Are you doing me asking me? Yeah, I don't know what happened. Well, she accused... So I guess in the testimony, they go through and they pull out... Are you doing me to me right now? Wait, I don't know what happened. I mean, I brought it up, but what happened?

Wait, will you say it out loud for her? Give me the pooing shirt, fuck it. Your mom has a pooing shirt, and I'll tell you what happens. Here, I love Russia, go ahead. What happened? What happened? What happened? I hope Louis appreciates the comedy of this.

Okay, listen, he likes jokes, come on. So, so. Ultra wide, please? Yep. So, so they depose her, and they take all her her emails and they find out that in an email she accused Louis C.K. of giving her an STD. Which one? I don't know. It doesn't say in there.

I mean, we're guessing it's herpes. I mean, that's right. Why do we all go there? Because that's what we're all trying to find. What if it's full-blown AIDS, dude? He didn't give her AIDS. Come on, dude. We don't know. He didn't give her AIDS. Come on, dude. We don't know.

He didn't give her AIDS. Hey, Bert. Bert, we don't know. You don't think it's possible you get full-blown AIDS, bro? What do you think? You don't think it's possible? Let's look at, bring out the emails, dude. Well, this is his response.

Dude, how big is the font on your phone? The way you're part of a text i screen that text i send it to my buddies the fucking the uh his reply and by the way this is so i got the clap in college from this girl that i did for five years while i was in russia she ended up fucking this dude and i came back to give me a clap. So what the funniest part... Have you added that to the machine story? No. That is your... That's the closer?

Yes! And it hurts when I piss! It feels like a sledgehammer hit me in the cold! Dude, have you ever had a clap? Anyone? No. I know you haven't. I don't know if the clap is which one. The one that burns when you pee? I may have had it.

He had it. I don't know for a fact because I just took the pills to get rid of it instead of taking the test to see if I had it. So, okay. So the doctor tells me, so I come back from Russia. I'm hooking up with my chick. I had been hiking in Switzerland after Russia. We went backpacked. And I drank out of a trough.

So in my head I go, oh, it's burning because I drank out of a trough in Switzerland after Russia, we went backpacked, and I drank out of a trough. So in my head I go, oh, it's burning because I drank out of a trough in Switzerland. So I go to the doctor, I tell him, I think I drank out of bad water out of a trough in Switzerland, and he goes, no. And so when he goes, you chick's fucking somebody. It's because you drank out of the hose. Hey, thanks, buddy.

It's like the Fresh prince yeah yeah i got you what's that uh on chris rock's face fresh prince yeah yeah that's good so he's like now i'm 22 this doctor's gotta be like 28 i thought he was an adult at the time right because he's a doctor yeah but you're a kid i go no and he goes you you fuck someone who has the clap it's you have the clap and i went no i don't and he goes no i have a girlfriend he goes then she fucked someone who forgot the clap and i went what and he goes look man he said to me very clearly he goes the name of our bar was yanni's he goes when you go to yanni's do you and your dick split up to cover more territory i was like what he was likeanni's, do you and your dick split up to cover more territory? I was like, what? He was like, I'm saying, are you with your dick all night long?

I said, yeah. And he goes, and you're not lying to me. I said, no. And he goes, your chick's a whore, man. And I went, and I was like, hey, man, you're talking about my girlfriend. And he goes, I was like, get her name out of your mouth. I slapped him. But I was like, hey,

I was like, that's not true and he goes listen i can give you the pills and it'll go away or i can give you the test if you want the test i give you the test but you're not gonna like it yeah you don't like don't test don't test i was like don't take the test because i know she's not a whore i'm not i know she's not she's leaving someone else so i think he tells me to grab onto the side of the table and he shoves a q-tip into the head of my dick into my urethra and goes and the second it hits it is i'm like she's a whore but the thing that i giggled about was the email that louis sent to the chick was the famous was the same conversation I got from the chick. Go, go, go. The email's crazy diplomatic.

Diplomatic is a word. And he shifts it so well, like a fucking, like a Jedi. This is good. He goes, hey, I understand you're upset. This is kind of, this shit is tough. I never swore that I was clean. I told you I may or may have not given this to you. I'm sorry if i did hey if you

gave it to me it's okay that that happened to me and i went hold on i know i didn't keep it i've only been with one fucking person and she's like hey maybe you gave it to me and i was and for a second like i was gonna go oh yeah maybe i did's right. All the people that I air fucked in my fucking life. We all share current human bloodstream, which is... It was just... It was like... I don't know. I've never had to...

I've never given anything to anyone. I've only been with six ladies. So like... That's the gonorrhea test. What do you mean? You've been with one. You out there fucking and you only fuck six? Come on.

That's embarrassing. Yo, that's a good ass point. Wait, hold on. No, that's a good-ass point. Wait, hold on. No, that's a good-ass point. Peter Pan over here is at least actually the one. Yes, but he purposely did that. Oh, because he's gay. But.

Yes, yes, yes. No, first of all. But you could have sex with whoever you want, partying like crazy in Russia and only six. You're drinking that much to be faithful? No, here's the deal. Here's the deal. Lose my virginity, right? This is the game changer.

Yeah. I go, I'm the guy lined up to start murdering pussy. Right. Right? This is how my brain is. Me too. So I go to have my first sex, 17 years old. I go to put the condom on.

I can't get the condom on. Yeah. I unroll it all the way. And then I'm like, it's too big. Yeah. I'm like, I've never put a condom on before. I'm like, my mom rolls my socks up uh i unroll it all the way and then i'm like that's it's too big yeah i'm like i've never put a condom on before i'm like my mom rolls my socks up so i roll it all the way i then roll it back up you know four inches and i'm like all right i go to press it over and it inflates and i'm like fuck this isn't like this am i making balloon animals at the corner of a bed yeah girl's naked i'm 17 i still have my baseball jacket on and i'm like all right

fuck it get another condom put it on as i put it on i go oh reservoir tip oh that okay all right i'm i'm this makes sense putting the condom on felt good that felt good i get on top of her uh i as i put it in i'm like holy fuck i as i pull out i blow my load everywhere and she looks at me and says are you gonna going to put it in? No. I look my dicks between her butt cheek and the bed. I didn't even fuck a person. I didn't even fuck a person. I didn't even fuck a person. I didn't even fuck a person. Swear to God.

Swear to God. Swear to God. Swear to God. And I had to keep going. I had to keep going. I had already compromised the integrity of this condom, and I had to keep going. That's how I lost my virginity. I remember getting in.

I'm 17. I remember going to the bathroom looking in the mirror and going like, what the fuck did you do? What the fuck did you do? It was so fucking bad. It was so bad. That was one. Your wife's another. That's two. And then there was four other girls total

in your whole life. One was a... This whore in college and who else? Nope. A girlfriend in college. Girlfriend in college. The one that gave you the clap? Nope. Oh no, that was the girlfriend. That was the girlfriend in college. So my wife, this girl, girlfriend in college and who else? Nope. A girlfriend in college. Girlfriend in college. The one that gave you the clap? Nope. Oh no, that was the girlfriend. That was the girlfriend in college. Yeah. So my wife, this girl, girlfriend in college, another girlfriend, a waitress, and a girl from Liverpool.

Really? Yeah. How long have you been with your wife though? 20 years. But I'm not, but here's my thing is I have intimacy issues. Would you get head? Would you get bopped off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. I also don't't count putting the tip of your dick in a little bit. Oh, you got head from a lot of girls. Good for you.

That's the win. I was fine with fucking around. Like when you were on the road, were you just getting head? I was on the road when I was married. I've only been married on the road. I've never... Even like... That's fun, isn't it?

Even when I worked the door of the Boston Comedy Club, I only hooked up with two chicks. But it was like... Also, I don't know this is gonna this is gonna sound whatever it's gonna sound like but like i kind of looked at it as weak that these comics gave cared about pussy like i was like you you're doing stand-up because you'd like because you want to get like yeah like that i think that's weird and i think and i'll tell you right now i've watched dudes throw their fucking careers away for pussy. For pussy, yeah. I've watched guys not get better because all they want to do is their same act because it gets them pussy. Yeah, it gets them pussy.

It's pathetic. And I was lucky in that I met my wife early, but also I was like, I mean, that's not my end goal. I've always been a drugs and alcohol guy. Yeah. So that's always been a little bit of my end goal is like, let's party tonight. But I don't really give a fuck. I cared about comedy. I remember watching dudes, girls, because I worked the door, I'd see girls,

and I remember watching guys pivot their act. When they saw the hot chick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember going. They do their girl jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Corny, super corny. Oh, so corny.

Yeah. And then, and, and, I mean, like, like, I made a joke the other day, because I'm really into disc golf, is like, any disc golfer, any pro disc golfer, any disc golf company, anyone who's into disc golf can come backstage and we'll talk disc golf. And it's funny, man. I had the guys over at Innova and they brought me out 50 discs and we lined them up. We're backstage at the end of my show and I'm sitting with these guys

that are just disc golf makers and professional disc golf players and we're talking about disc golf. And I'm like, there are guys that are like pointing to their bodyguard get that chick backstage and that chick and yeah that never was my thing you know yeah yeah what do you think the combined total of women uh you guys have slept with you and the disc golf guys six i was gonna say me and my wife i was like we're in the fucking 30s all right guys we're gonna take a break for a second because uh i need to make sure you get in your meals and i need to make sure you get your nutrients and i know you're

looking at me right now that i don't have time to cook i know neither do i i got a wife get your life together but if you don't have that or maybe your wifey's mad busy because you're a loser she's taking care of you or maybe both of you trying to dominate the world freshly's got your back okay that's right fresh ingredients nutrition delivered to your door that's right think about that the food is good it makes you feel good it tastes good and it is absolutely fucking fresh this is what you need in your life, okay? Freshly has delicious, healthy meals. Chef-made, nutrient-packed, okay? They're delivered straight to your door. No cooking is required here.

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Freshly is offering our listeners $125 off your first five orders when you go to Freshly.com slash flagrant. That is $125 off at Freshly.com slash flagrant. Now, let's get back to the show. No, I agree with you. I think there's a lot of dudes who throw it all away for pussy. That's a fact. I thought you'd be that guy, and you aren't. No, no.

I piss the women off too much. No, but when I started seeing you with your chick in Miami, oh yeah i remember going like oh shit he's gonna be really successful because that's the biggest thing that fucks dudes off oh yeah look look let's be real but i got with my girl old that's the thing i'm 38 so i got with my girl i guess i was like 35 so i had i had a lot of fun but i never i didn't like dudes that were doing comedy to get pussy and i agree with you on that and you could see it it was pretty obvious and yeah it's always pathetic yeah the whole night was like chasing etc but there's still a lot of time outside of comedy to get laid but uh which is fair but if you were if you're bragging to me about who you

fuck after the show's multiple times over it's like oh this is what you're doing it's also a different type of pandering yeah you know it's pandering it is pandering it is so it's like there are comics that do that to get pussy and they'll criticize comics that like pander to the left yeah right and it's just like you're also pandering yeah you just want acceptance from two people instead of half the crowd or the whole crowd i also went to florida state where like. Yeah, how did you go there and not fuck? They wrote an article about you. I had a girlfriend for five years and then I had another girlfriend. Literally Rolling Stone wrote an article about you, right?

Yeah, saying I was the number one party animal in the country. When you were in college. And you didn't get laid partying like that? I had girlfriends. I had two girlfriends. I had a girlfriend like first week of college. I met her, dated her all until she cheated on me. So you like relationships.

I love, dude, I love to know I love stability I love I don't like separation I like I you want your wife on the road you want the family I wish I mean I wish I could but like yeah I don't let girls in our bus I don't let yeah I don't anyone fuck around with chicks except the news I would let the music my wife knows me and me she's an employee she works for me yeah yeah wake her up early yeah it's an alarm clock she puts on wings and says what do the thing with the i thought it would be such great content yeah my wife killed it yeah yeah you're doing it to make money but it's going to cost you half your money yeah but it's going to cost you half your money yeah oh yeah oh yeah we haven't let a chick on our bus yeah really i'm rosebud and then my now my new tour manager my new tour manager amanda but we

didn't like it was just like i was like it's not it's not worth it any girl coming on the bus to have a drink and then some guy does something creepy and it's like you say something awkward it's like dude uh look and it's all going to come back to you even if you don't do it it's on burt kreischer's tour bus girl says this happens and you can't deny it and all they got to do is say it happened and it did it's yeah and you're like all right i'm out yeah i'd rather just have a fucking nice bottle of wine smoke a little one hitter fucking put on stripes dissect comedy with my with other comics break down someone's special what you like and what you don't like about it my favorite thing in the world is to watch like what what is industry standard bad specials like like like remember when they they started

releasing like uh like uh foreign language specials like south korean comedian does comedy and everyone's like what the fuck is this i loved those you can learn so much from those because you see you just gotta find out what that person's doing right like i watched that person i showed you that text up don't say that i don't want to be shady like everyone's shitting on this comedian and i was like i was like they're on netflix they gotta be doing something right, right? I watched it. I don't know. I'm better than most. Really?

Better than most. Look. So you think Dave Chappelle is wrong about her? No, different. Who did you think? Different, different. Who do you think? Hannah Gatsby? I watched hers.

I watched both of hers. Yeah, I watched hers. First of all, I fucking liked Hannah Gatsby's first special. She has one of my favorite jokes ever. When I was a kid growing up, I knew more facts about unicorns. I've defied well. I fucking liked Hannah Gatsby's first special Yeah, she has one of my favorite jokes ever when I was a kid growing up I knew more facts about unicorns than I did lesbians and I was like oh interesting. She goes unicorns aren't real Fucking joke and by the way I'm not gonna get like this go go. No. It's like that well

It's like she was the first she changed way a lot of people do stand up I mean, you know you see like shifts a lot of people do stand up i mean you know you've seen like shifts and pivots and stand up and people get serious these days hannah was the first one to get serious she was the first one to get serious and everyone hated it hannah destroys stand-up comedy and and now you know it's like everybody's getting serious and making their points yeah and you go and we're all more bored because of Dude, it's not the kind of stand-up I like, right? I want fist-pumping stand-up. Dave Chappelle's opening joke, kick her in the pussy, my favorite joke ever. Fucking ever.

Dude, the fucking misdirect. I'm so dope. I have a fishbowl full of punchlines. I pull them out today and say, kick her in the pussy. And he's like, yeah. And then he tells the joke. So I kicked her in the pussy. I told you I was dope. Dude, I fucking, i can tell you where i was when i listened to it i'm pumping my fist going that is the thing i signed up to do i want more of that and when

you're lucky enough to fucking accidentally stumble on it on your act and you go oh shit i got what's almost like catching a fish like i got one got one. I got one. I got a fucking closer. Like, I got a tag. Oh, dude. That shit's, I mean, that's my favorite stuff, you know? But I watch everyone's special. I watch everyone's. I watch all of yours. I watch all of yours. How long is it for you when a tour, or does a tour ever end for you?

It never ends. Interesting. So you're always touring? Always touring. I'll tour. I give myself a month off to like work on new material. One month? I write material pretty one month i write

material pretty quickly i write on the road i i'm i have right right now this hour that i'm getting ready to to record is probably two and a half hours and so i'm right now i'm just the stuff that's important i'm kind of trying to isolate that yeah and make it diverse enough like i feel like sometimes you watch someone's act and they'll it'll all be about one thing or it'll be about one thing then they'll change and then go back to that one thing you're like you gotta you gotta kind of like i don't know i'm pretty analytical about the way an hour's done yeah so i'll take i'll take it a month off in december and then i'll be back out just a month yeah i need time burt a lot of people do i need time for my here's the thing like when i have time with nothing to do obviously we all have things to do but like i

don't have like a date that's booked where i need to be creating by this specific date and i just let my brain think about things the material can come pretty quick like ideas let's go let's go let's go but if i know that it's like okay i'm i have to we're selling out this show and i'm doing this and i'm pushing towards this my brain is so singularly focused on accomplishing those goals that just that the the amount of time that i need to like sit back and like and just think about these ideas and go on stage and just fucking bomb and maybe get something and like turn it into something i need like i'm excited for the end of this tour so that i can have months to just go up in the city and fucking mess around, see what happens.

Yeah, but we also do different types of comedy in that I'm singularly storytelling. So I don't really have a lot of what... I'm looking for takes. I mean, look, dude, I'm not good at takes. I've never been good at takes because they're always wrong. Yeah, that's the fun part. Make the best wrong take.

Integrally wrong. At the core of American values, wrong. You're really exciting me. This is the best way to promote a special. But I like finding... I like storytelling. Oddly enough, you can fine-tune storytelling just about anywhere well you know the beauty of storytelling too it's very repeatable the machine

doesn't ever get tired you do that with your friends you'll tell them the story about yeah it's it's it's like ron white's tater salad story yeah let me tell you something i i mean i offered ron white i wanted i was i can't really get into it but i wanted to work with him and i and he knows this and i one of my caveats is like i mean i didn't say this isn't why we weren't working together but i wanted to hear the tater sallis story every fucking night it's one of the best stories ever told in stand-up yeah without you know it right yeah it's the you know i don't know it oh i'll just go watch it it's the beauty you watch it's wrong you've seen people rip it off because people have taken the structure of his story i told you that story

to tell you this story yeah people rip that off because it's so well done right and uh and i and i was like i would watch him tell that every single night i could watch him every single night tell that yeah and he ended up retiring from stand-up and no i think he's still doing santa the high wire act the high wire act of a take that's really crazy is once you've heard the crazy take and then heard how they justify it a lot of people like all right cool that was amazing but i've done it now the story for some reason you can if you have a your friend has a funny story you'll make him tell it to everybody when you're around that's how we organize the world that's how we remember things stories like we're attracted to stories there's a reason the bible stories right it's not hey here's just the rules is here's how the rules play out in real life jesus had great

takes facts you know but you need the stories to make the take stick yeah i'll be honest i'd like the hot take baked into a story and i think that like the most compelling bits that i have are when those things merge yeah so what is the take on this crazy thing that's happening and also how does it relate to me or my friends in our real life and then it becomes memorable and like i don't know the people's attention span for stories i notice is different like if you're just going here's the take it's like you better be funny quick with that shit yeah but with a story if it's like if the the premise is set interesting they're like okay where are we going wait so you're walking down the alley and then what happened in the alley and But with a story, if it's like, if the premise is set interesting, they're like, okay, where

are we going? Wait, so you're walking down the alley and then what happened in the alley? And then this, and it's like, I don't know, just people, the way they're drawn to story. Yeah. It is a stronger connection, I think. Well, it took me a while to realize what you were just saying. And for real, because I was like, I tell a story and then everyone was like, cool. But you have to think to yourself, why am I telling this i telling this story yeah like what does this story mean at the base

what am i telling this story about am i talking about uh your kids maturing are you talking about some are just funny some are just funny like my daughter isla's had a bunch of things in her life that are just fucking hilarious the kids said same with with Georgia, but, and some are not, some are just to get things up and running so I can tell a story, but like what you said, if you can present an idea or a take within a story, oh, it's fucking, but I love good stories, man. I love, and I love people who have great stories

and can't tell great stories. My cameraman you met, John Manns, has the most interesting things have ever happened to him and he can't tell a story to save his fucking life. What makes someone good at telling a story? You need a beginning and a middle and an end. You need an arc. You need to plan something in the beginning. People need to know your story's over.

If you tell a story and then you're like and then you know we all just got in our cars went home everyone's like like with the machines i'll use the machine story as an example uh the end to me was uh the way i delivered it on rogan the first time was tonight you party with us but that wasn't the end i didn't know that but the audience knew it's not over did you party with them? And I did. And I kept trying to figure out the ending. And it wasn't until one night in Columbus that I was drunk.

It always helps if you're telling stories. Get your story up and running. Get it good. And then get drunk and tell it. Because you'll fuck it up. And in fucking it up, as a comic on your feet, you try to fix it, and you're fixing it,

can make it better. And so, and one night I was drunk in Columbus, and I go, Igor shuts the door, spits vodka in her eyes, and shuts the door in her face, and then he looks at me,

and I was like, I was drunk, and he was like, and they used to say this a lot, fuck that bitch, this is Russia. They said that all the time. People didn't understand, this is Russia,

the rules are different here. And I said that to me, and as soon as I said that, in that story, I went, I got my end. Now I have the words so that people know the story's over. And that's the most quotable thing, fuck that bitch, this is Russia, is at the end, Tonight You Party With Us, I lean in and I go, and I remember it working for the first time, and going going like it's such a great feeling when you go i did it it's done like it's like sticking a pole

ball you're like oh i did it and i said he says tonight you party with us i go i'm not in trouble and he gets so close i can smell his morning cigarette and he's like no fuck that bitch this is russia and it said twice that's the beauty of like a great story is when you can i would say plant a sapling a sapling to harvest it at the end yeah and just a little something they don't they don't need to it can't be too big yeah it's the beauty of tater salad yeah they call me tater salad it fucking it's a banger story dude you know who's great you reward the audience for paying attention yeah jim jeffries yeah can tell you a story with no preparation.

Yeah. That guy is so fucking talented. Yeah. We did a story, Ari Shaffir's storytelling show one night. Did he tell the crippled friend one? That one's hilarious. Taking his crippled friend to the hooker? No.

No. No. Oh, my God. Dude, you know who told a banger story one night? It was Bill Burr. He was told, and he's not traditionally a storytelling guy yeah dude he told the story about doing a college and getting underpaid by the chick and then i mean i'm not going to tell the whole thing because it's bill and he's a pretty private guy

but he told this fucking and it's bill so his takes are embedded in it you know yeah fucking chick you got a fucking chick and we were just sitting in the back everyone's on the edge of their seat like holy shit ollie sadiq's a great storyteller mexicans got on boots i mean dude i love a good story that's probably my favorite thing my favorite thing in the world is like sit down hey tell them about the time and you're like oh yeah yeah i i have always wanted to be a better storyteller and i think i'm gonna take up drinking I think that's been the key that's been missing. Try it. It's a big story.

I mean, Hemingway was a big drinker. Yo, you're on to something, buddy. You're on to something. It's my sobriety. I remember in all the details like a fucking dork. Now, Bert, you have to get out of here. Yeah. You have to get out of here immediately.

You have to go do another podcast. Is that now? I think. Yeah, I think so. So I want to let you go. How much time did we do? I think we did like an hour and change. Yeah. Hour and change. This is solid. go do another podcast is that now i think yeah so i want to let you how much time did we do i think we did like an hour and change yeah okay all right this is solid now uh before you go the people can

see you here in new york at kings but they can also see you in other places rhode island maine albany uh i'm doing cinco de mayo i'm at the greek for the netflix is a joke festival yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's really easy to sell tickets there. Fluffy's doing two shows at Dodger Stadium. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chappelle's doing four shows at the fucking Hollywood Bowl. And I'm selling 6,000 tickets at the fucking Greek. Fucking Fluffy, how did he?

Say, he's doing a double header. 120,000 people, yeah. Or maybe more, bro. I mean, it's gonna fuck up our our inner transit like people are gonna have a hard time yeah yeah yeah not a good idea it's no but so it's a good idea on paper but then when you realize you're selling tickets to the same people and everybody is everyone is i mean it's it's like i think everyone's you know everyone's kind of in the same situation i think think we're well over half. We're like 75%. Yeah. But you want to clean it up before the week.

Of course. You want it to stay sold out on the week. You know that fucking, you're the same brain I have. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to stay sold out, baby. It's got to stay sold out. You don't do sold out comedy tours unless they all sell clean.

It's not sold out unless it's clean. 94%. Ain't 100. It's not 100. It ain't 100.% ain't a hundred. It's not a hundred You don't understand what the fuck that means that means those single seats. They go out to they're gone You go in let's start at just working comedy clubs when you walk on stage. Is there a stable with empty seats? It's not sold out. That's the fucking I love that Sold out really cuz I Sold out in the comedy clubs

mean they sold more tickets than you even know about. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That means you're getting fucked. That's really sold out. So yeah, I have that obsessive compulsiveness. Like, perfect example, we were in Poughkeepsie last night and we had

a Sunday show. Sellout Saturday, they had a sunday show and they're sundays sundays at 75 i'm like i'm not i'm not going to sleep until it's sold out we shoot a promo we edit a promo we post a promo i buy 1200 worth of white track suits we go to a chili cook off miss the chili cook off end up at a wedding it starts getting viral and within poughkeepsie everyone's like shit burke chrysler's running around in white tracksuits why is burke chrysler he's a thing he's a fucking what you call it sells out fucking get out of here it's called my wife calls it uh going to going to

paramus dude this business i love this you go you go to paramus you got you got shows in new york city go to paramus go to fucking walk around the. Put on a fucking, show up in the city. Get to the city three days before and make sure people know you're in the city. What are you doing in the city, Bert? You don't ever want to go to a fucking city. Like when I sold out Red Rocks, I said, I want to make, this was my goal.

I want to show up at Colorado and I don't want one person to say, why are you? I didn't know you were here. Yeah. You want everyone to go. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I walked around evergreen in

colorado everyone's like how was red rocks the other night burt i couldn't get tickets that's what you're talking about that's what you want to hear oh i love that you go in early and promote oh dude i have no problem i don't look there are people that will watch this i'm certain that'll go like dude enough of the fucking promotion well then you don't give a fuck about going to see me and i don't give a fuck about you yeah that's how it works i only give a fuck about the people that show up in my show i want you to i want them to see me do stand-up i work hard to do good stand-up i want them to see it i want to make sure they have a great fucking night yeah and in and you you'll see comics all the time i'm not gonna say names but literally like

i'm fucking so sick i just was in new york why you guys asked me when are you coming to New York and by the way I think I did their voice but like but you're like you're like just it's your fault that's not my fault yeah like I look at it like Wilco I love Wilco if Wilco comes to LA and I miss them and I don't buy a ticket that's not my fault that's Jeff Tweedy's fault

Jeff Tweedy had a venue that I was look I got a thousand dollars in my pocket to give to Wilco anytime they come to LA. I'll buy great tickets. I'm gonna buy all your fucking merch. And by the way, I'll buy the new album also and I'll buy the ones that I haven't listened to in a while.

That's your money to have. If you don't want it, you don't want it. If you wanna be like a, hey, I'm too good for that, then that's cool. But that's the way I operate my business is there are people that want to see me perform. They to buy a sweatshirt they want to buy a sign poster they are out there i understand that because i know that i'm a fan of shit look dude if i'm not doing stand-up and you come to my fucking city and you can ask rogan you're anyway i'll buy

tickets to your show i'll bring friends to the show i'll buy merch for the friends because i want them to see you i know how big your fucking shows are how fucking awesome they are i want my friends to experience that yeah and then i'm gonna be like hey can we go backstage make sure you got titos but uh but like but like that's the way the business works and and some people get fucked and they go and usually it's people that got gifted careers they didn't have to bust their ass for it yeah you know yeah so it's easy to hate on the business if you never have to do the business side when you don't understand. But when you do it all, you know what you have to lean into.

When I walked into this building, this room, this is a business. It's a business. This is a business. Yeah. We don't have billion-dollar corporations pushing our shit. We are the promo for us. So, we have to get out there and hustle. There are people that work for these billion-dollar media companies and corporations, and they

just have the corporations pushing them all day long.'d be great you have them putting billboards everywhere we are our fucking billboards sometimes we need to show up to a wedding in paramus sometimes we need to go out there and hustle sometimes we need to find our little ways to sell our tickets but it's it is way more uh pleasurable when you just have to rely on yourself dude when i got god forbid we were for cnn i told you when i was when i got fired from travel channel i was like lowest of the lows yeah and i was that guy who had gotten given the check every week got the check deposited in my account yeah it was nice bought the house settled in good i remember telling my dad he was like uh what's your plans i said eat shit cash

checks he was like huh i said that's right dad right eat shit cash checks he always told me he was like oh buddy you got to go for your your dreams and when i got fired i didn't i there's a lot of comics right now sitting at home going how do i get people to like me how do i get people to know who i am how do i get people to come to my shows how do i sell tickets and i was that guy going how the fuck do i get anyone and it just you there's a point where you take over your own career and you go i'm focusing on i'm making content i'm putting it out there and and when you reclaim your own career it's a very powerful feeling oh yeah and and it's inspiring as fuck and i'm saying this to this room when you see other people doing it at a higher level than you.

Because this podcast, this is homegrown. Let's go, baby. And it's fucking sick to see, to come in and meet these guys and go like, I've been watching you guys. It's inspiring. And I fucking don't think I don't come in here like Putin and Dresden back in fucking KGB days. I'm fucking watching going like, what mixer are you guys using? Like, I'm fucking on it. I'm looking at cameras going,

man, we got to step up our fucking camera game. You've been in my fucking studio. We can't have fun though. We're going to get these for you. Yeah. I got a question. Yeah, please. So you are,

and you have a dear friend, Tom Segura. Yep. I was curious. This is not related to this. Okay. But just in the terms of content, this was one of the most amazing videos I've ever seen. And I've been meaning to ask you this ever since i saw this video this is very

important are you gonna play it from here mark i'll play it and it's a little graphic so we know you were there just uh just a bear bear witness because i was there so yeah luckily i was there to do that now why did you think that was was there to do that Now why did you think that was the thing to do? It's what you're supposed to do Hey man Someone breaks their arm You reset it as quickly as you can

How many arms have you reset in your career? Upwards in the group of one That's how many girls I've got That's cool Why did he let you do it? That's what I'm shocked by. He didn't say, get the fuck off of me.

No, he could have said, leave me alone, don't touch me. Burt, you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. You're drinking Gallaudet Gatorade today. There's no way.

I think we need to, I think we need to, we, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Okay. The, he was the one that put it backwards like that. Okay.

That's the thing that's wrong. Wait, he did that? I mean, he hurt himself. Yeah, he hurt himself yeah yeah he goes to run he goes to jump right no he fell on it no no no no no no he he goes to jump and tom was like 270 this time yeah and his body wasn't set up to hold 270 yeah yeah so as he went to leap off that's a funny way of calling him fat this leg exploded yeah so his patella ruptured and he went to grab himself and stop himself with his arm. But as he did that, it snapped and spun in a circle. Now that. That's not good.

Yeah. That's, that is the impetus. That is the thing we should focus on. Yeah. Yeah. Not my, my resetting it. It was going, do you think they were going to leave it like that for the rest of his life?

And they're like, leave it there, leave it there, leave it there. No one's going to touch it. Someone's going to leave it like that for the rest of his life? And then like, leave it there, leave it there, leave it there. No one's going to touch it. Someone was going to eventually reset it. And do you think when they got him on the fucking gurney that they were going to go, no, no, leave his arm back behind him like he's trying to pick his own pocket. But hopefully it's not someone named the machine that does it. No, but someone, no, but there's, they weren't going to do it with machines. No, they were going to, no.

Or an actual machine that does it. They were just going to flip it around, a little flip-a-roo. And so I did, what I did, a lot of people have come out and said that I probably saved his life. Wow. You might have. That's really good. Because they were going to cut his whole fucking arm off unless you flipped it over. You just find those same doctors prescribing hydroxychloroquine for COVID.

Well, God bless it. Listen, man, we love you, bro. I love you too, guys. This is fun to do. Thank you. I can't wait to come to your show. When my tour is done, I'm coming out to check out your show. I was telling Mark that, and I was like, yo, we got to go.

We got to find a weekend. We got to go see Bert. I want to see the whole experience. And by the way, come backstage and be brutal. Tell me what's lazy. That's my hard part is I love when comics watch, and they're like, like Louie came to watch me perform. He was like, love the deaf kid thing.

I was like, really? He goes, yeah. He goes, yeah, you need to work on it, but I like it. I was like uh love the deaf kid thing i was like really he goes yeah he's like you need to work on it but i like it i was like i was like oh thanks man like it meant like it means a lot that louis was i made the big mistake i was like hey you want to go up before me he's like are you sure i was like fuck yeah he's like i don't know like i thought he was saying are you sure because i've been in the hot seat for a while yeah i didn't realize he was saying are you sure because I'm also the greatest comic living. And I was like, yeah, go up. And then he was like, okay.

And destroyed with 12 minutes of pedophile jokes. I got off stage and I was like, I'm following Louis C.K. I was like, ripped my shirt off and everyone was like, no! Have you ever ripped a shirt off and it didn't get any reaction no

you know what i did one time though i was i was i walked out on stage without my shirt on forgetting i hadn't put it back on and i walked out shirtless and they went oh oh because they like seeing you it's the fucking okay and then has the machine story ever bombed oh for the first five years i told it yeah oh yeah not not has it bombed since when you knew was going to get a reaction you're just not getting anything yep where uh drive-in tour drive-in tour when when traffic's a legit issue yeah and they're like i've seen it you just watch the headlights click on the car kick on and then they back in slowly. Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio.

It starts raining. Full circle. Isn't that where you thought of the joke ending the first time? Full circle. It's probably the place I've told this joke the most. Starts raining. I'm on stage. I can't feel that it's raining, but it's drizzling.

And when I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. Everyone goes crazy. But they start getting back in their cars because it's raining. And I'm like, you know, and then all of a sudden you just, boom, headlights. And then the slow back out, and they light up all the other cars and pull out, and then another car, and another car, and another car, and another car, and I'm like,

motherfucker. And so I just start telling it faster and faster. And then I get on stage, and then they're like, hey man, it started raining pretty bad. Everyone got in their cars. The show was over as soon as it started raining. And I was like, god damn it. I wish I just hadn't even told it. Oh, they just didn't want to get stuck in a field.

Yeah, we were in a legit field. It's the traffic. Like, they're trying to beat traffic out, and it's raining. And they can't be out of their cars anymore. Now they're just sitting in the cars listening to me tell the story on the radio. You can't even really have the windows down. Yeah, and they're like, you just want to fucking leave? But that's hilarious.

The people didn't walk out. They drove off. Yeah. You had to tell the have the windows down. Yeah, and they're like, you just want to fucking leave? But that's hilarious that people didn't walk out. They drove off. Yeah. You had to tell the story over engine noise? Yeah. Over engine noise. That's part of the car. Do you think walking the room is bad?

Driving the room is brutal, dude. Dude, when you walk, I think someone's done a bit about it, I'm sure. When you walk a dude in a car, I walked a dude in a- I don't think a lot of people have done that bit, to be honest with you. I think you have. No, no, someone has. Yeah, someone has. I've seen someone special. I saw it. I walked a dude in a... I don't think a lot of people have done that bit, to be honest with you. I think you have. No, no, someone has. Yeah, someone has. It's in someone's special.

I saw it. I don't know. It's got to be Bargatze or Jim Gaffigan or someone that did this. But I walked a dude with Big Jay and Mike Vecchione one time.

I walked a guy in a lark that had to blow through a hose to get out. And it was like... And it was so bad. backed up turned on his little headlight to his lark it's in a dark theater and he's like he's like you suck and i was like okay and he's like the strength it took for him to say you suck and he's like he's like hey you tell a joke and i'm like can you just leave sir and he's like i'm trying so fucking long i was like can someone please help get this guy out of the fucking room this has been a pleasure thank you gentlemen thank you so much make sure

you go check out bird he's got a million different shows you can watch on youtube but also check him out uh at the live show his tours he treats it like an actual show, which I like, and I think more comics should start doing, and I think more comics will start doing it. I'm excited to see what you're up to, man. Guys, one more time. Bert Kreischer, everybody. The Machine!