Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Bryan Callen on Meeting Brendan Schaub, Reading with Ben Askren, and The Fall of Will Smith!

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Bryan Callen on Meeting Brendan Schaub, Reading with Ben Askren, and The Fall of Will Smith! by

What's up, everybody? Welcome to Flagrant, and today we are here with the one, the only, Brian Cowan is in the building. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I learned very quickly that there's not a shot I'm ever going to be a special forces operator. Oh, why? I did a USO tour in 2007. How did that work? I went and did comedy with Dove Davidoff, Steve Burns, Sam Tripoli. But was your dad, like, blowing up weddings and shit like that?

Hey, bro. Hey. By was your dad, like, blowing up weddings and shit like that? Or, like, what was it? Hey, bro. Hey. By the way. To keep you safe, asshole. To keep you safe. That's right. I did learn something from kind of a special forces guy. Yeah.

When they would kill an ISIS guy, they would put a tracking device in the guy's body. And then when they had the funeral. Oh, kill the funeral. Dude, and all the guys, all your comrades come. Like an air tag? They'd put like an air tag. That's crazy. I can't get into the details.

That's genius. But just to understand. How did they pick the wedding? Because we've had some conversations about this. Like, are they talking to the ISIS or al-Qaeda people? Well, so the weddings were always, there were a couple weddings. I hate my in-laws, just do this one.

That's exactly what it is. Oh, really? I got it right? You got it right. Holy shit, dude. Let me see your papers. Say again? No, it's not like that.

No, so your father was Tom Clancy. My dad, my dad, look, I grew up all over the world. All right, I was born in the Philippines. I lived in India. You're Filipino. Wait a minute. Bombay. Hold on, hold on. You were world. All right? I was born in the Philippines. I lived in India. You're Filipino? Huh? Wait a minute. Bombay.

Hold on, hold on. You were born in the Philippines. I was born in the Philippines. You've had eyebrow surgery or whatever. I've had eyelid. You've got to be specific. Eyelid surgery. Yes.

Nothing else has been tightened. This is all fucking- And you're a Kung Fu master? Everything's natural except for this area and maybe a little of this. Oh, fuck. This guy's the most Asian fucking dude on the planet. Yeah, dog. Holy shit. this. Oh, fuck. This guy's the most Asian fucking dude on the planet. Yeah, dog. Holy shit.

Brian Caron, dude. What are you doing right now, dude? Dude, that is racist shit. What? You're Asian. Brian Caron? Brian Caron. I do fight in the air.

That's all I'm going to say. If I were to strike you, I'm usually in the air. Okay, you're born in the Philippines. Born in the Philippines. Then we moved to India, Bombay, and Calcutta. Two places in India. in the Philippines. Then we moved to India, Bombay, and Calcutta. Two places in India. Uh-huh. Then-

Yo, shit, you don't say that's two? Two different places in India. Otherwise known as Mumbai. Yes. Okay. Then we go to- What would your dad always say about the time in India? I put the bomb in Bombay.

Is that it? Yes, he did. How do you know my dad so well? Andrew's my long lost brother. And he sires you. And then. Sires me. Sires you.

I love it. I like using old English. But I got to say, it's good to be hither. Yeah. And then we went to, then we moved to Beirut whoa to Lebanon then Pakistan

let's go yuck oh damn you got one of those Pakistani yes Karachi Pakistani

that's where he's from Pakistan in the house bro come on great memories what wait wait why do they have great memories are you calling them

elephant people no bro no bro what were you just saying stop reading my mind I mean stop sorry sorry are Pakistani women good lovers look I was a young kid man Do you call them elephant people? No, bro. No, bro. What were you just saying? Stop reading my mind. I mean, stop. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Are Pakistani women good lovers?

Look, I was a young kid, man. How do I know this? That's not what I asked you. Yeah, it's a good point. He didn't ask you that. Are they good lovers? They're very demure. Pakistan's a very conservative culture.

Yeah, but when you get them in the sheets, or you get them out of the sheets. They're always in the sheets. What are you adjusting? There's a small flap. What are you adjusting over there? We were talking about Pakistan, so now we're fucking zooming in. Yeah, that's a scope. There's a small flap. What are you adjusting over there? We were talking about Pakistan, so now we're talking about... Yeah, that's a scope.

That's a scope. Do you speak any of the languages? I speak French. Well, that's not any of the languages. Well, but Lebanon... Beirut, yeah. Lebanon was French and Arabic. Paris of the Middle East, man.

And I used to speak Arabic. Shwaya, shwaya. It is the Paris of the... How about that? He'll surprise you. It's the Paris of the Middle East, dude. Thank to speak Arabic. Shwaya, shwaya. It is the Paris. How about that? He'll surprise you. It's the Paris of the Middle East. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. Somebody reads over here. I do. Lebanon again. You know who doesn't read? The women in Lebanon. Come on.

We tried to change the regime. Okay. No, we did not in Lebanon. We didn't? Well, I mean, that's a longer, if you want to get into geopolitics, we'll do that for the second half. Yeah, I want to get into it. What is your dad's issue with ports there?

Well, I'm not at liberty to say. Again. Again. He didn't have anything to do with that bomb. God damn it. I'm just saying, dude. Then we moved back to Lebanon after Pakistan. Yeah.

And the war broke out. I got stuck in the war for six months living in the Holiday Inn and in the basement of the Holiday Inn. What? Yes. How old were you? I was 11, 10 and 11. Wow. We get evacuated to Greece.

You're like Anne Frank. I know, dude. I was thinking the same thing. Evacuated to Greece. Crazy. And then Saudi Arabia. So I came to the United States when I was 14. What?

And look at how good my fucking English is. And I'm so well adjusted. I know. Yeah. You're an immigrant. So I came to the United States when I was 14. And look at how good my fucking English is. And I'm so well adjusted. I know. So I was moved every two years. Yeah, 100%. To be fair, you don't speak any languages except French and English. You don't speak French, do you? No.

Oh. He really shut you up there. I said except French and English. Come on. His accent is fantastic. Can you come on to that? Oh, yeah? Why?

My parents are from Morocco. Oh, okay. Oh, he really does speak it. Well, he says his parents are from Morocco. You know that Mark also speaks French. Yeah, but he speaks it. Come on, go, Mark. Wait, wait, wait.

It's not from Morocco. Oh, that's terrible. That sounded so bad. It sounded like he ran out of battery. You know what he said? He's not from Morocco. No, no, no, no. No?

Okay. Wow. Okay, so you come to America at 14. And then I come to America. I go to boarding school. You're impressed. You're quietly impressed. You're quietly impressed.

Yeah, quietly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you come here. I'm taking in my body and everything else. Yeah. You go to boarding school. Why? Because my parents were still in Saudi Arabia.

And in Saudi Arabia. Wait, wait, wait. Your parents went to Saudi Arabia? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. Why did your family leave a trail of tears around the Middle East and Asia? Well, some people would say my dad was a banker and other people would say my dad did other shit. I said, what bank? My dad was like the one over there.

Oh, wow. Can you at least clear up the rumor? Is your father Henry Kissinger? That's what some people said. Do you want to know? The funny thing about that is I met Henry Kissinger through my dad because he did a- Had sex with your mom and made you. Oh, my God.

Papa, Papa, Papa. Why you don't give me some attention? I don't know why I'm speaking with that accent. Papa, give me attention. Okay. That sounds Brazilian. Anyway, yes, no, I met Henry Kissinger. And how was he?

My father moderated a debate between him and Brzezinski and all those people. Whoa. Yeah, that's how old I am, you guys. Whoa. Kissinger's still alive. He's 100 years old. He looks like a mollusk. Yeah.

Melted into himself. Okay. He's 100 years old. He looks like a mollusk. Yeah. Melted into himself. Okay. Wow, dude. So your father was really involved in shaping world policy, and so were you in a lot of ways. I don't know. I mean, you were deeply involved in all these decisions, I would imagine. I mean, he would consult me.

Was any part of you like, Dad, if you were so high up, why were we in a fucking Holiday Inn? Facts. But that's called your cover. Oh. Can't be too obvious. If you're in the bougie spot, they're going to know it's you. Yeah.

Wow. I mean, so I look like this. Now, you want to get busy with me in a dark alley, and I'm not going to flex my muscles. I'm just going to look at you and go, you want to get busy with me in a dark alley. And I'm not going to flex my muscles. I'm just going to look at you and go, you want to dance? And then all of a sudden, now you're on your back. What is your chosen martial art in an alley? To be completely honest, it's just death touch.

It's here, and my chi goes into your heart. And it stops your heart. But here's the good thing. I revive you afterwards and I go, we okay? Because you're not a killer. No.

You're trying to be the change that you want to see in the world. I heal you. I change your mind. Give you a second chance. I break you. I break your spirit and then I go

and I leave my card in your pocket and I go, if you want to learn how to do this stuff. Yeah, I'll be at the Holiday Inn. The Holiday Inn. It's your birthday. at the Holiday Inn. The Holiday Inn. It's your birthday.

Fucking Holiday Inn. Welcome to it. Make a wish. I can't believe all my secrets are being exposed. No, they're not being exposed.

This is a tight-knit circle and everybody here is in the trust circle. And nobody watches this? Yeah, nobody's going to watch this. Now, Alex believes that

he could beat up every single white guy. Do you consider yourself white? I'm half Sicilian. Black. Black. Black. Black. Right? Whoa!

At least Turkish. At least Arabic. Because when I went back and traced my lineage in Sicily, Arabic writing on the fucking, on where my family came from on the wall. No, but that's because Sicilians just got ran through by everybody back in the day. They would just let whoever wanted to come in

just rinse out all their women. And that's why they'll keep... That's what their cultural mark is on the world. It's like, oh, do you want to come rinse out our women for a few hundred years? Please don't say rinse out. It's my great-grandmother. I'm just saying. She was a great-grandmother. My great-grandmother was rinsed out.

She was by everybody. I mean, it kind of, it's the most conquered city in the world. 100%. And my family, you know, Italians tend to be. Did they ever try to fight back? Why? What was that? Because they were merchants.

Because it's our thing. It was really everyone's thing. They say you can fight back or you can just assimilate and be like, you fucking go date his brother. He's got money. Oh. We're trading. He's got money. We're trading. Look at my hands.

They're not made to hold a sword. They're made to serve. What is the thumb about? You have a weird thumb. Can you go like that? Well, that. Now that. Yeah, what is that about? That right there.

This is a true story. I broke it punching somebody. What was her name? She identifies as a man now, and that's the important thing. You got lucky with that. Yes, he was a Eurasian man. Whoa!

And a tall man, and I struck him, I hooked him like that and broke my... What happened? To get you to fight, what did it take? It was in my martial arts studio, and we were sparring when I was in college. Ah. So, again, if you want to fuck with me, I'll keep you busy.

Where's my camera? Until you break your thumb. Until I break my thumb. Yeah, they'll be rushing you to the emergency room with a broken thumb. Yeah. Oh, I like that. That was a fucking good yeah. Thank you.

I've been working on that. We've said nothing. No, no, no. That was a fucking good yeah. Thank you. I've been working on that. We've said nothing. No, no, no. How many real fights have you had? Real fights? I've had... What's your record? Real fights?

Like, since... Like, let's just take from 18 on. Seven, probably. What's your record? I slew all of them, and then I brought them back to life. Oh, wow. No, I mean, I got lucky. I did all right.

You never lost one? Yeah, but it doesn't mean I'm tough. It just means... Oh, shit. All right. You're undefeated on the streets, bro? I'm a street fighter, you guys. By the way, look at how modest I am.

Look at how my fucking voice goes, bro. Guys. Guys. You're not proud of this. I'm beginning to think you fought a lot of me's to get 7-0. Maybe you just choose your enemy wisely. He lived in Mumbai for a while. Who wants to fight you?

Maybe all those fights were fucking slum kids. Anybody with cauliflower ears, I walk away from. If you're going to fight a man, look at his, look at his neck, his ears, and his hands. That's a lot of stuff to look at. Yeah.

Yeah. But take it in. Okay. Don't fuck around with somebody with closed up ears. Yeah, that's probably smart.

If they close distance, you're in big trouble. And if they have a, if they have a, a chin strap beard. No, definitely not. You're just talking

about Dagestanis. That's correct. I feel like you're just describing Muslim Dagestanis. Brilliant. And then also like some Russians're just talking about Dagestanis. I feel like you're just describing Muslim Dagestanis. Brilliant. And then also like some Russians with that thousand yard stare. Oh yeah. Who just spent their whole life on a mat or in a ring.

Yeah, their life is a fight. It's a disaster for you. How do you feel about the Dagestani people? I'm glad you asked because this is the one question nobody fucking asked. Yeah, he's a journalist. He is a journalist, right? The Dagestanis have had a fucking tortured history.

Really? Yes. What is their history? Like the Chechenis, always a pawn among larger powers and always being invaded. But that's why aggression in that country, that's why MMA comes so naturally to them. They've done a lot of studies on herding cultures, on cultures where, like the Cheneys, the Afghanis, the Northern Irish, the Northern English,

where their culture was an honor culture. An honor culture meaning if you've got your fucking, you know, your sheep, if somebody steals your sheep, you die. You don't survive the winter. So if somebody steals your sheep and you want to survive, you've got to go kill that motherfucker. So violence is how you solve that problem. Or you die.

Your family were sheep stealers. Agricultural societies? Yes, I know. No, for real. They actually were. We're actual thinkers. And we protect the queen of Scotland. Cameron clan.

Scotland. I'd love to have a Scottish. I've always wanted to say things like, if it's war they want, it's war they'll get. Yeah! That was good. That was good.

You know what I mean? You know what's crazy? Is that war lasts like two weeks and then you just get conquered. Isn't that funny? Where did the queen die? Yeah. Where did the queen die?

Where the fuck did the queen die, bro? I had liberties to say. I can't talk. Why do you think you have anything to do with it? They just think that the Scottish people killed the queen? They couldn't save her life at the hospital. She was 96, bro. Say again?

She was 96. Yeah, we waited to the right time where nobody would question it. A breeze would have killed her. Say again? Well, we made it windy. Okay, that's what we do out there. We handle motherfucking business. He's the queen slayer.

I'm the queen slayer, bro. Mostly Scottish? 50% at least. I'm the queen slayer, bro. Mostly Scottish? 50% at least. That explains the height. Maybe some more. That explains his length of bone. That's right. Milk drinkers. Exactly. Yeah. We are milk drinkers and sheep, sheep what? Long shanks. Herders. Sheep herders. Yep. And then after we herd them, split

them chicks. Sometimes you lead them toward water. If you lead a sheep toward water, they'll back up and that's when, if you lead them toward water. If you lead a sheep toward water, they'll back up and that's when, if you're lonely. Oh, because then you get to be like,

they want it. It's only weird if you're smiling. If you're frowning the whole time, it's just maintenance. that makes sense. They just back up

on you and then it's like, oh, I didn't do it. That is correct. Favorite type of blacks? Light skin. That is correct. Favorite type of blacks? Light skin.

This is important. I don't see color. Whoa. That's crazy. My favorite kind of black. Your visions in black and white? That's wild. Whoa, dude.

That is nuts. My favorite guy in black are the Maasai of Kenya. Ah. Yes. Why the Maasai? Well, the Maasai were fearsome warriors. And the legend, if you read out of Africa, the legend was that a Maasai, first of all, they lived off their cattle. It is very common to see a six foot seven Maasai

and the women who are six two. My buddy went and lived with them. They can tell, he was a triathlete. He tried to keep up with those motherfuckers. Could do it. Forget it. And they can see things. They can watch the way a blade of grass is bent

and go, a kudu's over there. They would drink, they would live off, they live off of their cattle. They would tap a vein in their cattle. That's not people. They would eat, they would, yes, I could tell. And they would. You said six, seven though. You said there was.

But he slouches. I'm cautious. I'm cautious. We know this. I got you, man. And then, and they would eat, they would drink high fat milk. Okay. And that's basically what they did. They'd tap a vein in their cattle. They they would drink high-fat milk. Okay. And that's basically what they did.

They'd tap a vein in their cow. They would drink the blood of their cattle. Yes, sir, so would the Mongols on their horses. I got a lot of history here. Yeah. But here's the coolest thing about the Maasai. Yeah, what's the coolest? The coolest thing was that the British found,

and whether this is myth or not, I don't care because this is true in my fucking mind. What did they find? The British found when you took a Maasai. No. And you put him in a- Don't do it. Hold on.

Fuck, dude. And you put him in jail. Oh. If you put him in a jail cell, get close. Yeah. I need your eyeballs on me. I'm listening. Now listen.

Feed me. When you put him in jail, your motherfucker would die. What does that mean? Because he couldn't be held in it. You can't, he would rather die than be held captive. I think you're just doing Black Panther. His nerves should be set up. No, I'm not.

Killmonger from Black Panther. No, I'm not. Is that a take? I think it's a take. What was it in your head? What was it in your head? It was a staff. What was that?

It's a staff. Yeah, it was a staff. It's an imaginary staff. And it just went off. With balls under it. There it is. There it is. By the way, and you got to do this.

I wasn't sure. You guys had to turn it for him. The best cop explanation ever is, hey, we locked this black guy up and he just wanted to die. Yeah. Not we treated him like shit and feed him. Because he was a warrior. Because they were warriors. No, no, no, no, no, no.

And they refused to be held. You know, they would rather die than be fucking dishonored by being kept. How's a Maasai getting arrested in fucking England? First of all, it's pronounced Maasai. What the fuck? What the fuck? The American ignorant asshole. Oh, my God.

Leave your racism at the door, all right? Thank you. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. I'm taking over from you. Can you tell us about the Maasai, too? Alec, what do you know about them? No, no.

We're such a warrior people, bro. Like, whenever we were, you know, held captive, we just wanted to end it, bro. Yeah. We're flowers coming in the culture. What was your choice? How did you kill yourself? What was the way that you could do it?

I mean, I was never held captive. No, no, I'm saying, I'm saying. I'll tell you how we do it. Yeah, yeah. Just shut your, just shut your central nervous system off. Whoa. Quill yourself. Just fucking die.

Just Epstein yourself, bro. Just a war cry and just die like this. Don't die. With your eyes open. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dad, move faster. Holy shit.

Epstein. Isn't that exactly how Killmonger died? That kind of was how Killmonger. I feel like you're almost taking a little bit from Black Panther, and then you're applying it to the last side people. Black Panther took it from me, motherfucker. I think I was around before that fucking movie came out. Did you audition for that?

I did. And for the bald female, like, what is her name? And then what happened? They said that my femur bone is too short for the costume. Oh, really? And I'm insecure about that. Your femurs. I have a short femur bone.

No. If my femur bone, if my torso was in proportion with my femur bone, I'd be 5'8", but I have a long torso and a long neck, so I'm 6'4". Oh, thank goodness.

All right, 6'4". Whoa. But it's so crazy that you went out for that role and they judged you just based on your looks and that you weren't allowed to do it. Fuckers.

That's how it would end. Yeah, and age. What? That seems unnecessary. That seemed mean, actually. But why? It's unbelievable. No, no, no.

I wasn't even saying that as like an insulting thing. Trying to be relevant in the TikTok world? Yeah. I didn't say that. Well, TikTok. TikTok. Fuck. I'm just going to attach myself to your belt loop.

Teach me, bud. All right, guys. We're going to take a break for a second because y'all need some tickets. Okay? You're going to need tickets to events. And let me tell you something. You're not the only one that wants to go. So where are you going to get them tickets?

You're going to get them at SeatGeek. That's right. They have the tickets to any event you might want to go to. I understand those WNBA games. They're playing them in, like, football stadiums, completely fucking sold out. You can't get a ticket. SeatGeek has got your back. Maybe you want to go to Madison Square Garden. Maybe you want to watch Izzy fight. Okay, maybe you

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You know how to get apps at the App Store. Get that shit. Make sure to use the promo code FLAGRANT. You get $20 off. You're welcome. Go do something this fall. Go do something right now. You deserve it.

And you deserve it at discount. You're welcome for allowing me to supply that to you. Now let's get back to the show. Listen, listen. No, no. I do feel like it's unfair because, and I was saying this to Santino and Bobby Lee when they were on here, that you were by far the best actor of the crew. Like in terms of like raw acting ability. That is 100% true.

Act 30. Act 30? Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's been too long to remember. What's the deal with Netflix? Thank you.

That was good. I had to get into it. Thank you, guys. No, but in terms of acting, can we be serious right here? You're masterful. I think, because Bobby and Santino agreed that Santino is a better actor. He's a good actor. He's a fucking great actor.

And Bobby's a good actor, too. He was my third best student. I'm sorry, what? He took my... I'm sorry, what? Yeah, he took my workshop. Who's number two? See, I knew you were going to ask that.

No, you thought he was going to ask who's number one. Yeah, I did catch you off there. Journalism. Can I be honest with you? I'm proud of what Christian Bale has done with my total weight. Really? Christian Bale was your student? Now, Christian Bale's number two. He never resisted because he listened to everything I told him.

And he and Daniel Day, who's my number one, would get into these crazy wrestling matches. Never fist fights because I don't allow that in my class, but they would get upset with each other. There was a competition. What was the thing with the story about when you were coaching Daniel Day-Lewis

for the My Left Foot thing? Yeah. Remember that there was some crazy thing that... I said it's not about your foot. What is it? Yeah, what is it? It's not about your foot. What is it about?

You don't act with your foot, okay? Yeah. And he said, what do I act with? And what did I say? What? Your heart, Daniel. Yeah. Wow.

Your heart. Yeah. And that's a lesson for everybody here, guys. Lead with your heart. Yeah. Right? Lead with your heart. It's not about clicks.

Yeah. It's not about numbers. Views. It's not about views. No. What's in here? About your heart. Yes. Okay. Wow. So that's what I came here to say. Yeah. Those are your not about numbers. It's what's in here. About your heart. Yes. Okay.

Wow. That's what I came here to say. Yeah. Those are your three best students. Daniel Day, Christian Bale, and Andrew Santino. Santino. Yeah. He's quite a roster.

Who's four? And I don't like redheads. What? That's not natural. I said it here. He dyes it. What? Andrew Santino, you're saying on this podcast right now, dyes his hair?

I mean, yeah, he's got raven black hair. Naturally. Wow. What happened? Wow. Shocking revelation. That is controversial. Eyebrows as well?

He has a colorist. Yeah. Wow. I know, from Paris. Hollywood magic right there. Oh, my God, dude. Wow. Oh, my God, dude. Oh my God, dude.

Is Bobby Lee even Asian? What? He's a mustache. What's that? Is Bobby Lee even Asian? Bobby Lee is indeed, he's actually Swedish. No, Bobby is Asian. Bobby is Asian.

Okay, good. So as far as acting goes for you, you retired. Well, probably. It's not like they're banging down my door. Thank goodness. It's not like I've got a whole bunch of... But I'm doing best stuff. But can I be honest?

This is the truth. This is the truth. Oh, Tom. Oh, Tom. This is the truth. Oh, Tom. Oh, Tom. Thank you, bro. Oh, smoke, bro. Thanks so much. By the way, by the way,

can I do a little acting thing? Yes, please. Go, go. With different ways to smoke. You might as well do it somewhere. Guys, tune in to Best Of on YouTube. Travel show. Oh, God.

It's where I find the people who are best at what they do. And so I fucking, I put my special on YouTube. Oh, God. It's where I find the people who are best at what they do. And so I fucking, I'd rather, I put my special on YouTube. Fuck other networks. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I follow the fucking Andrew Schultz model.

I'm not fucking going to Netflix. Yeah. Fuck your algorithm. I'd rather be on YouTube. Before he's willing to say that, I actually do, I told you this before, but I think that the Best Of show is awesome for you. Thank you, buddy. I really think it's great. And we're going to have to work on how you title things a little bit.

But we'll do that. I need help. Just so people can do it. But I love this idea. Like, you go meet up with these experts, and then you indulge in their expertise. Yes. And then your hilariousness comes out through it. And I think it's a great idea for a show.

I love doing it. I want to do Brian Shaw, who's the strongest man in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm reaching out to him. What happened to Thor? Remember he used to be like Thor? He is, but Brian Shaw

is actually the strongest and I want to shadow him for a couple days or just a day and I want to just ask him, I want to get stronger and bigger. Teach me how you do it.

Yes. I want to do that kind of stuff. Will you do roids? You know, I've never done any of that stuff. Are you on T? I'm not on T. You're on here. You're on T. No, I'm not. I've never done it. You're not do that kind of stuff. Will you do roids? You know, I've never done any of that stuff. Are you on T? I'm not on T. You're on T.

No, I'm not. I've never done it. You're not natty, dude. And all my friends. You're not natty, dude. Guys, I'm 100% natty. And a lot of that's because it's genetics and God likes me more than most people. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. I have a lot of, you know what it is? Peptides? I have a lot of energy. Yeah. And I'm afraid that if I do it, I'm fucking, when I feel like my energy is lower and I can't move as well, then I'll do T. But right now, I'll just, you know.

Because the only reason I do it is to get more muscular and that's embarrassing. You also got a new wife, like a young. I have a new wife. And she probably needs to be satisfied. She's the best. I know. She's 32, dude. How are you keeping up with that?

And I have a baby. I know. You know what I'm saying? Eight months old. You're married again. Huh? Yeah, I am. Oh, hey. Okay. And I get along very. I know. You know what I'm saying? Eight months old. You're married again. Huh? Yeah, I am. Oh, hey.

Okay. And I get along very well with my ex. How about that, you fuckers? You know, I got three kids. One, a 14-year-old who can barely stand me because she's 14. Yeah. And she rolls her eyes at me all the time. Everything you say.

Oh, there's nothing I can do. It's like fucking, you know, it could be a lot worse. You're welcome for everything. Yeah. Do you ever try just listening to her? And like hearing her out like about her day?

He's already married to one child he's got to listen to. Who brought the fucking pussy? Who brought the fucking leftist fucking pussy? I don't know who this guy is anymore.

Try listening? Hey, hey, I'm an American man. I wish I could smoke because I would do that. I would smoke like this. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, the full face palm?

Yeah. I like that. I like this. Anyway, what was I talking about? Family. Yeah, but you asked me something else

about acting. It doesn't matter. You know, but the best of thing is fun. I never, this is the truth about acting. I was never, and Rogan has been telling me to quit acting from day, I was the first guy he called where he goes, I'm quitting acting. We were like 35. Okay.

And a director said to him, can you do it again? And he goes, no. No, really? Just like that. Really? The guy goes, what? what he goes i don't want to uh if you hire me i'll do it on set but i don't want to do it here and then he and this asian's called him what the fuck and he called me and he goes i'm gonna quit acting and i was like are you out of your fucking mind that was always the way he was yeah i'm gonna do my own thing i love it he's the one who got me to do a podcast and start my own podcast by the own podcast, by the way. My own podcast. Brian Calancho, original title.

Wait, are you really? Yes. When are you doing this? Starting, actually, this Tuesday. Get out of here. And are you interviewing people? What's the thing? I'm going to interview people.

I think I'm going to start by just talking about the things I want to talk about. Because I'm older, and I think that there's a difference between good ideas and bad ideas. Yeah. And I want to highlight the good ideas. Yes. a difference between good ideas and bad ideas. And I want to highlight the good ideas. At 55, I've made enough mistakes and I've paid enough attention to the world to know what you should be focusing on, what you should be indulging in, and what you shouldn't be. And a huge part of life, in my opinion, is learning what not to think about. What not to indulge in.

Are you going to do like advice call-ins, like people can ask you questions? I don't know. I mean, I think that you have to be very careful about advice. I don't think that people, I think most people know exactly what they're supposed to do. But the rest is denial, right? It's like there's a saying that takes five minutes to fall in love, the rest is denial.

And people get divorced after 20 years over what they knew about the person in the first 10 minutes. Whoa. You know so much more than you think. If you take a minute, you raise your hand for a question. Hold on. Do you know the answer? Because you probably do.

And so most of us know. What I find interesting about this. He's only talking to me, not you. Akash, this is a whole, we're doing a whole interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the answer. You know what you're supposed to do. It's like your best self is clearing his throat in the other room over there.

Whoa. And I think that it's always, for whatever reason, terrifying to realize your full potential. It's actually terrifying. Because you have to do it on your own. Because you have to stand on your own. And you have to really figure it out for yourself. But when you do, man, when you're still enough to do that, it's powerful.

You've done that. Yeah. Is this the podcast? I don't know. Maybe. You know what? I'm going to sample this. That's a trailer.

It's a trailer for sure. But I think so. But I don't believe in this. You know, it's not that. Maybe it's perspective and maybe I'll talk about the things that I think are worth highlighting. You're going to figure it out.

Yeah. Okay, now. I'm going to do a book review ben askren you know i love that this motherfucker reads as much as i do yeah so we're talking and he's talking about you about harari and sapiens he's talking about he has a problem with this book but he's giving me like nuanced arguments and i go hey dude on my podcast let's do books with ben and me and ben askren review a book so that you don't have to read it we'll break it down yes because that i'm into right i hate reading right nobody's time to read a book i've read if me and fucking askren break it down and you listen to 12 minutes or 15 minutes of us breaking down a fucking book and making it fun and now you don't have to read it come on man that's it right yeah so i'm gonna do that with Askren. Oh. Yeah. Best of Brian Callen Show.

What books? Manteers? What's your first book you're going to do? And whose comp is it? I think the first book we're going to do. Whose comp? Like, who's? Is anyone's specifics comp?

I demand that he take me seriously. I'm just curious. I'm actually interested. Dude, I'm going to do. He only thinks of comps. Who's read the talent code? We're going to do the talent code. What's the talent code. Who's read the talent code? We're going to do the talent code. What's the talent code?

The talent code is a guy, Dan Coyle, who looked at essentially the best coaches in the world. The coaches that put out the champion after champion after champion. Baseball, tennis, fucking the best violinist. Why are they the best? They're black. What's that? Did you say black? They're black. What's that? Did you say black? They're black.

That's exactly right. You don't have to read the book. That's a valid point. It's because they practice what they're bad at. So check this out. So regional swimmers and Olympic swimmers. What's the difference? What's the difference between a regional swimmer

who's a competitor and an Olympic swimmer? Go. Tell me and then I'll tell you. The Olympic swimmer practices what he's bad at. Almost. One is from the Olympic region of France. Yes, technically, to be considered there. So they spend as much time,

same amount of time in the pool? The swimmers are not black. I'll tell you that right now. Have you gotten them? I think there's some black swimmers. There's a documentary, Blackfish. I actually haven't seen the documentary. I can't. I can't. I haven't seen the documentary. I can't. I can't. I haven't seen the documentary.

Is that what it's about? Wait, are you saying that documentary about that thing in the water that would kill people is... I haven't seen the documentary. I just saw the title. And that's what you guessed

that it was about? Yeah, I just assumed. I had never actually seen it. You would be correct. Dude, that's kind of crazy, dude. That's kind of crazy that Mark would just go there with that.

I've never seen that. What does that say about him as a man? Well, Alex, I apologize. Why do you go there with that. Yeah. I've never seen that. What does that say about him as a man? Well, Alex, I apologize. Why do you apologize, Viz? Yeah. I just, the ignorance is just too much. On behalf of the delegation.

Listen, you did a podcast with Sam Tripoli that I would watch the conspiracy. Well, I would watch the clips you guys post. Conspiracy Social Club? I love conspiracies. I think this is great. Now, you were playing the straight man.

I, he comes to me. And Sam would try to convince you. Well, Sam, everything is fucking. Did he ever convince you? Dude, everything for Sam is a conspiracy. Sam is like, that's what they, he's always doing this. Apparently, there's a tight circle of people that live in the fucking sky.

Yeah. And I'm like, who's they? Yeah, you wouldn't know anything about that. You know what I mean? Yeah, powerful people that control geopolitics. Living in Saudi Arabia. It's so silly that there's a fucking tight-knit group of people running around.

Yeah, that are all your Christmas parties. You have their names. What was that? What did you just do? Nothing, no, because I have, there was a spot. What the fuck was that? What were we talking about? You were talking about the time that Sam convinced you of a spot. There was some dirt on it. What the fuck was that? What were we talking about? You were talking about the time that Sam convinced you of a conspiracy.

Sam is a guy, it's my favorite thing, because he'll come up with a conspiracy and I debunk it. What was one you couldn't debunk? It becomes WWE. I do think that overall, if you look at the news, if you look at how the liberal media specifically talks to each other and talks to big tech, there is this sort of like cooperation. And I think that's very dangerous. There is this idea when they all got together and said, we have to agree on what COVID policy is. And building seven. And if you say anything other than the narrative, which is now being proved to be a little bit faulty.

Wonky. You get banned. You get censored. That's very dangerous because it stops independent news organizations from coming up with ideas. Now, what about conservative news? Same problem in a lot of ways. Although the conservatives, so here's my joke. And I really mean,

CNN can find racism and inequality the way a ghost hunter can find a fucking ghost. Right. Right? Yeah. And then Fox is like,

racism? We gave them the vote. You know? Yeah. Right? So it's like, hey, can we meet in the middle, man?

If you were black, you'd have a different perspective. Yeah. I spoke to a bunch of my black friends who were like, I have three. That's good. That's good.

That's good. That's solid. That's solid enough. Not bad, right? You got a starting five. Thank you. Mark has two, so you're winning. Can you introduce me?

I'm very happy with your fucking man bun, dude. What is is your national i just call it a bun for the record yeah when you call it a man bun it makes it all right but let's get back to fucking yeah please yeah you were talking to the i asked them about their experience with cops yeah all of them because they're men they're macho yeah and they don't want to give it up to me it's a good show and then i would press them and i would get things like this. Like my buddy Herman said, if I go by a cop and my music's playing loud, I turn it down.

Yeah, yeah. Or I put my glasses on, even though I don't need glasses. Oh, wow. That's what Al does. Or I roll my window down. And I thought to myself, I've never, ever had that experience.

I've never even thought about that. So that's interesting. The other thing is I was talking about racism and this guy who's a doctor. Are you trying to say that you think black people go through life a little differently than white people? Believe it or not. And I wanted to say this here because a lot of people don't understand. You go from my side to

You need to talk to your black friends to figure that out. But you don't remember when the first black kid went to your elementary school? Like, what that was like that day? Well, I'm afraid I didn't have any black people in my elementary school. Oh, that's right, because you were in fucking... I went to Buckingham Palace. Pakistan.

No, I was around all different kinds of people. It was like this room. It's very international. That's how I grew up. I grew up around black... I assume you went to international schools. Yeah, bro, but when you live in Saudi Arabia, you're around Ethiopians. You're around Kenyans.

You're around, I mean, every... Right. Everybody's there. You're around, so for me, white people were a minority. I grew up being the minority guy. Did you ever go to like a public circumcision? Yeah. Menorah is in Saudi Arabia.

That's interesting. But it's not, it's only inhumane if you don't give them something, a piece of leather to bite down on. Oh, really? Do they do it like they're taking out a tooth, they tie it to a door and slam it? Is that true? You just go to your happy place. So, okay, so when you're at the public circumcision stuff, are you learning about like...

I was literally going with you. You did go. Saudi Arabia, by the way, you can watch people get their heads chopped off and their hands chopped off on Friday. On Friday. I believe it's Friday.

Maybe Thursday. Are you plugging dates right now? Is that what that was? Yes, I am. Come see me, guys, this weekend, San Jose Improv, and there'll be a beheading.

That would actually be a sellout for sure. You would sell so many fucking tickets. I do. You're back in theaters. Somebody's going to lose their head. San Jose Improv this weekend, motherfuckers. And Andrew Schultz is opening for me. Yes.

I'll be there. Saudi Arabia, you really lived there? I did, for honest. Why are you questioning that 40 minutes in? You brought it back. 40 minutes in? You brought it back. 40 minutes in? You just thought it might not be true. I thought he was lying about that one.

I don't know. But where did you live? Riyadh? I did live in Riyadh. Really? I like that you have some geopolitical know-how. This guy knows a city. This guy knows an annoying amount.

I know. And he keeps it close to the vest and pulls it out. But let's just talk about Riyadh. Okay, did you live in one of those cities that they construct to look just like a suburb in California? No, because I lived there in the 70s when it was just beginning. Oh, really? I want to know who your dad is. I grew up in the developing world.

So when I was young, I went to communist China. I went to communist China. I went to communist Russia. I saw what those, I went to Yemen and walked through the streets. I was in those countries as a small boy. When you see somebody with leprosy, advanced leprosy as a boy, and you're an American, and you're just lucky for no reason, and you never went a day without food, And you're just lucky for no reason. And you never went a day without food.

And then you see kids your age desperately begging at the car behind a fucking air, in an air conditioned car. Yeah. And I'm in somewhere in Africa or I'm somewhere in India or I'm somewhere in Pakistan or somewhere like that. And you in your, or I'm in Yemen and I see somebody with leprosy. I've never forgotten that. I'm not the same. You fucking, what happens is as a kid, you go, why am I so lucky?

What did I do? I didn't do anything. The math fell in my favor. Yeah. And so you got to overcome that shit. That's why I have such a problem. They always make fun of me, Schaub and Rogan.

I don't like self-promotion. I have a problem having shit because I have a lot. But I grew up with people who had less than nothing. The humiliation of poverty in the 70s and people who were truly dying, truly starving because of those socialist utopias that couldn't feed their people

and before the agricultural revolution. I'm so old, dude. But that was a reality, man. And that's not, and the huge progress today is that we don't have stories about starving people in X, Y, and Z. You know what I mean? Eat your fucking breakfast because there are people starving in

whatever that country is. That's how I grew up. We all did as Americans. All of us grew up as Americans. Are you saying in America people aren't starving or globally? I'm saying in America you eat your food because your parents would say, hey, there are starving people in China. There are starving people in India. There are starving people in wherever.

And that's changed. And that's changed. And that's progress. And who changed that? A lot of it was technology, opening up markets. Believe it or not, global cooperation, even though people have problems with globalists. But there was just technology. Monsanto? Innovation.

Well, yes. I mean, learning how to grow crops that were resistant to all the different kinds of pesticides. People who have a problem with pesticides have never had to grow food. Oh. Hey, bro, come try to produce milk without technology. Come try to grow. You have heaps of fresh fruits and vegetables in the wintertime. Come try that motherfucker. Well, milk's not that hard. I could do milk.

You could do milk, too. Milk's pretty easy. That's the one exception. All you do is this. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't have started with milk. I've always wanted to milk a cow. You've never milked a cow?

No, I really want to. Best of. You've got to try that. Have you done it? Yeah, one time. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd you do?

Have you? Yeah, of course. Don't act like everybody milks a cow. No, I really want to. Best of. You got to try that. Have you done it? Yeah, one time. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd you do? Have you? Yeah, of course. Don't act like... Everybody milks a cow, dude. You come to the city. Yeah, but I milked a cow. Sorry, man. I went to a petting zoo.

Okay. And then we milked a cow. Yeah? Yeah. Pulled on that teat, dude. Wait, are you sure it was a cow? Yeah, bull or whatever. You got to pick.

A bull or a cow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you pick? Well, I picked the bull because it looks sicker with the horns. Okay, that a cup? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you pick? Well, I picked the bowl because it looks thicker with the horns. Okay, that's not milk. Tell me about it. Let me get my hand on my plate. It is milk.

They call it condensed milk. It's what the Vietnamese put in their coffees. Oh, is that true? Yeah, yeah, 100%. Oh, wow. It's thicker and sweeter. Little facts. He's so amazing.

Yeah, yeah, it's thicker and sweeter. You should try it, dude. You never had bowl milk before? No. Straight from the tap? You never just fucking grabbed on that thing like a fleshlight? Fuck the pussy. Fuck.

You got a problem with bull milk. I only do soy. That's the thing. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, I hear you're big into that. Soy? Yeah.

That's why I have bitch tits. No, you don't. You've got a good bod. I've got a good body. Yeah. What I do is I- You've got a nice build. You're like a good body. Yeah. What I do is I- You've got a nice build. You're like Coy Luray.

I'm an athletic- Coy Luray. That's the greatest name of all time. I really just wanted to stage that. I literally just said to make Alex laugh. If I had started in fucking show business and you said change it into Coy Luray or Luray, I would have been like, that's it. Yeah, there you go.

But that's a guy who smokes cigarettes without... You got that bill, dude. Just fucking ripped. Yeah, man. That's my body right there. Yeah. Yep. My dick is smaller, but still.

Look at her. She's adorable. Pretty girl. Her androgynous. Pretty girl. Androgynous. Pretty girl. In a hard way.

She's a tomboy. Yeah. When'd you lose your She's a tomboy. Yeah. When did you lose your virginity? All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because some of y'all need some new shirts, man. Let's just be honest about it, okay? And today's episode is sponsored by True Classic. This brand makes t-shirts that actually fit. Very important.

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Yes. And how can we possibly bestow this amazing gambling knowledge that we have on a game that's already passed? You can't. That would be criminal. We're not criminals. And we're not criminals at all. No, we're upstanding citizens. Exactly. So, Akash, you know, since you might know slightly more than me about football,

who are we gambling on this week? I'm going to give you credit. What, what? After the Bucs won the Super Bowl, you said, is Bill Belichick overrated? Okay. And you didn't mean it, but you're starting to hear it a lot now. Was I right? I think you might be right.

No, I meant it. I meant it 100%. Because he's got this guy, Mac Jones is their quarterback. He's in his second year. You would think they'd be more ready than they are. I just don't think they're good. Yeah.

And they're playing the Ravens. Yeah. They're only three-point underdogs. So I think the Ravens are going to, I think, They're going to beat the spread? Skullfuck. Oh.

Patriots. I think they're going to beat their asses. They had a devastating loss last week. I think they come back this week, and they're just a much better team. Wow. That's what I think. Yeah. I like that, bro.

So you, again. I knew it. Yo, I know so much about football. Lamar Jackson. It's unbelievable, dude. Lamar Jackson is on the Ravens. You know Lamar Jackson's on the Ravens? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Contract year. Yeah, contract year. I know about that. How do you know that? Yeah, contract year. I know all the shit. How do you know that? Guys, I'm a professional gambler, bro. I know all about this shit. Jets, Bills, Chiefs, Chargers, bro. I know all these teams, bro.

I know all the teams. Yo, I actually think if you watch football, this is the best week to bet. I watched. I watched this week. He literally interrupted Vaughn's long-ass story

to be like, yo, third week is the best week to bet. Just for no reason. It is. Because you kind of know what teams are good watching, and then Vegas doesn't really know yet. I know the Bills. I got you a shot.

I know the Buffalo Bills is going crazy, bro. I was watching that. You watched that? Yep. They look fucking good. They look fucking good, bro. They look great. Who were they playing?

Say again? Who were they playing? Man, some sorry-ass team, bro. They look great. Who were they playing? Say again? Who were they playing? Man, some sorry-ass team, bro. Future losers. That's who they're playing. I was sorry, bro. Because I was watching that game, and then I was watching the Eagles take on Vikings.

Son, Eagles look good. They look good, too. Eagles look good as fuck, dude. That's a problem. You know what I mean? Justin Fields. Nope. Nope.

You got your black guys confused real quick. Fuck, what's his name? Lamar Jackson. No, the Eagles, bro. I know, I'm kidding. Oh, fuck. No, what's his name? Lamar Jackson. No, the Eagles, bro. Oh, fuck. No, what's his name? Jalen Hurts. Come on.

You know when a kid didn't study for a test and he's just trying to figure it out in a presentation? The slides are coming up and he's like, the mitochondria. Fuck, who the fuck was it? The powerhouse of the cell. Yeah, the powerhouse of the cell. Who are they playing? Who are the Buffalo Bills playing? Sorry-ass team?

No, that's the Eagles. The Bills play the Titans. The Titans. See, nobody knows. Yeah, brown people are the only ones in this show that know anything about football. That's what I realized, dude.

It's just Val and Akash. I know everything about football. Nick Chubb. The honest one. What teams he play for? Come on, bro. Cleveland Browns, dog. Hey, you got that.

I'm telling you. Ask me any question about football including who I should bet on this week. Cleveland Browns. Hey, you got that. You got that. I'm telling you. Ask me any question about football, including who I should bet on this week. Okay, who should you bet on this week? Well, first,

ask me a question. Okay. Ask me any question about anybody. All right, who's the Chargers quarterback? Rick Hartledge, Fletcher.

Come on, shit. I'm nice. Go, go, go. Any question, ask me. All right, go. Who is the Seahawks quarterback? Say right. Who is the Seahawks quarterback? Say again? Who's the Seahawks quarterback?

Shit. I know who it was. Ciara's husband, bruh. Russell Westbrook. Yeah, Russell Westbrook. Russell Westbrook. No, Ciara's husband used to be the quarterback. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now he's no longer. Now he's with the Broncos. Right. Got $230 million to go over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $165 guaranteed. There you go. Learn that in a bar combo. Right. Got $230 million to go over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $165 guaranteed. There you go. Learned that in a bar combo.

Yeah. You know what I mean? This is your Slumdog Millionaire, bro. I've been practicing this shit, bro. Oh, dude. He just goes back to the bar. He's like, oh, what did he say? He's at the bar, not tipping.

No, because I'm at the bar at the hotel. Oh, yeah, yeah. You were just in Atlanta. How the Falcons doing? Say again? You were just in Atlanta. How the Falcons doing? Oh, the Falcons are sorry.

Okay. Crazy case of monkey box. The whole offensive line is out, bro. It was nuts. The entire offensive line, for real. Mark, hit him again, bro. All backup offensive line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's crazy. So they suck. The Atlanta Falcons suck. All right, now who should you bet on? Say again? Who should you bet on? This week? Who should people bet on?

Yeah. Honestly? Honestly? Honestly, if you bet on? This week? Who should people bet on? Yeah. Honestly? Honestly, if you really want to make money? Yeah. If you were trying to make money, a good bet right now would be the Jets. Can you pull up the bet online? Would be the Jets. Like, if I was to gamble a bet online, right?

And I wanted to make bread. Yeah. Who are they playing? The Jets are playing a team with 52 players on the roster. You notice the less he knows about a topic, the worse his hearing gets? Say what? The less he knows. Oh, say it again.

No, the Jets. Do you know who the Jets are playing? I do. Who? I'm pretty sure the Bengals, right? No, nobody knows. That's the thing about football that you realize nobody really knows. It's like WWE.

Surprise game. The other team comes out. Nobody knows what's going on. So, like, the Jets obviously had a crazy win this last week against another team. They played a team. Who was it? It don't matter that much, bro. It don't matter that much.

They played the Browns, but it don't matter that much. Son, do I know about football or do I not? Right now you're confused. You don't. But you take my advice at BetOnline and make sure you use that promo code flagrant.

They're going to match 50% of that initial deposit bonus. Fuck ass. They should go on BetOnline. They should not take your advice.

They should not take your advice. That's right. Up to $1,000. When did you lose your virginity? 14 years old. 14?

In Pakistan? On my birthday. In Saudi Arabia. Oh my God. Saudi girl? No, American. American girl? Oh, my God. Wow. Saudi girl? No, American. American girl? Yep, from Alabama.

Whoa. Yeah. Whoa, what happened? No, what happened? You said cis. What happened? You said you're cis. What?

No, he was saying she was cisgendered. It's nothing sacred. She was cisgendered. She was cisgendered? Thank you. That's very important. Yeah. Wow.

How old was she? She was 25 years old. What? No, she was also 14. 14? I know. To both of you? Yeah. Oh. How old was she? She was 25 years old. What? No, she was also 14. 14? I know. The both of you? Yeah.

Oh, God. Love, in love. Wait, that was your girlfriend? I was in love with her. Wow. Loved her for two years after that. Would write letters back before we had email, guys. Huh?

You'd write a letter and she'd put a perfume on it. Get out of here. And I would go, and I would miss her. And then the rest is downhill from there. Wow, you guys broke up? Yes. Oh, no. Because she went to Turkey.

No, we're still together. I thought it was going to be a love story. She was in Turkey and I was in America. Oh, yeah. Right? So I couldn't, it's very different. Is it awkward if you see a woman come in with a full burka and you think it's your ex? Well, you know what?

By the way, I think a lot of women are in flesh burkas, and that's our society. What does that mean? That means that as a woman, you've got to put on a fuckload of makeup and get all your surgeries and shit. That, to me, is worse than having to wear a fucking something you can take off.

The amount of pressure it takes to get this shit going and that shit going and that shit going. Surgeries. We have a culture that doesn't make people feel good about themselves. Oh, no. You sell product by telling people you have a deficit.

Oh, wow. Like, you could change this thing. Bring this up a little bit. And women have to compete because my favorite bit I've seen in a long time is Bill Burr's bit about how no feminist has watched one fucking WNBA game. But the people making all the fucking money are the Kardashians who basically look the exact same now. They all look the exact same.

Thank you to their fantastic doctors. But that's where the money is, motherfucker. You just have to have a bone structure that cuts light well. And if you don't, we got the technology to fix that. You just need the right amount of money. I don't think so. Why not? Because I don't think it makes you feel good.

I did lift my eyes. Didn't it make, I mean, I think you look fucking amazing. Thank you very much. I really think it was great. It was a great decision. Seriously? Yeah. Oh, that was good.

That's my natural look. If I relax my face. Go. No. Wow. I know. I keep it tight. Are your my natural look. If I relax my face. Go. No. Wow. I know. I keep it tight. Are your lips natural?

Huh? Your lips? No. They got a little filler. You have a little filler. I've never done any filler in my face, and I've never dyed my hair. You said in your face.

Have you gotten filler elsewhere? Yeah, I mean, here, this is obvious. Oh, wow. We're waiting this hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good one, Brian. Hey, guys. We're waiting this era. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good one, Brian. Hey, guys. San Jose Improv this weekend.

It's McCain Washington, BrianCallen.com. My fucking dates are everywhere. Man Tears. Man Tears on YouTube right now. Oh, my special on YouTube. The special. Man Tears on YouTube right now. The comments have been amazing, but I don't read one comment.

My girl told me. Oh, wow. It was like Adam. It's good having a girl that lies to comment. My girl told me. Oh, wow. It was like Adam Carolla. It's good having a girl that lies to you. When I did fucking. Bro, I did fucking, when I,

Complicated Apes, my special before this, Adam Carolla told me it was the highest rated fucking podcast on, I mean, comedy special on Apple. And I never read

one fucking comment. Really? Because I'm afraid of comments. Oh, wow. Because the same power that a good comment has, a negative comment has. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So keep it. Just keep doing your work, man.

I don't know. I can't do it. I'm too sensitive. Yeah, really? Is that a LA thing that you guys don't read? No, that's a Brian Callen thing because the minute you fucking, you get seduced by the public embrace, you're going to start aiming. If they tell you you're something and it feels good, you're going to aim for that. And if they tell you, and then somebody, one person is going to say, it's like one person.

It's like, I had an acting teacher who said, don't go home for the holidays. And everybody, what the fuck? And he goes, because you're going to have a sister or your mother is going to go, you haven't made it yet, huh? My prayers aren't being answered. Oh, so God doesn't want me to make it either? And it would fuck them up for six months.

I saw that in real time. I've talked to fighters What's crazy is that acting teacher also didn't make it and didn't see his family. So that motherfucker is miserable twice. You don't know my facts.

Twice. No, I met Shob. You want to know how I met Shob? How'd you meet Shob? So my buddy was the Strike Force champion. Who?

Nate Marquardt. Yep. And I watched Nate, I'm speaking aaub. How'd you meet Schaub? So my buddy was the Strikeforce champion. Who? Nate Marquardt. Yep. And I watched Nate. I'm speaking a little out of turn, but I have a great deal of respect for Nate Marquardt. He was just one of the great fighters. And I watched Nate sort of, they were calling him a knockout artist. And I watched this guy who would just get in there and fight and react to whatever was given to him. I watched him start trying to be a knockout artist.

Ah, yes. Now, I'm in no position to tell an MMA fighter how to fight, but I do know performance psychology. Yeah. And I noticed he was doing a lot of interviews, and I had a conversation with him, and I said, you cannot listen to anybody tell you you're a fucking knockout artist.

Because then you're going to start to be, yeah. You can't listen to anybody tell you you're anything about how you fight. Because if you listen to that, you are going to try to fulfill that shit yeah that becomes your brand fuck off yeah don't listen you have to you react to what you're given and fighting is a beautiful example of that in real time right yeah it's like kinetic chess and so i i so he said can you come and talk to tough the ultimate the ultimate fighter, about performance psych, because it helped me. So he brought me to Vegas.

And I walk in, and Shane Carwin's there. Whoa. Dude. And this guy named Brendan Schaub, who, of course, I had seen fight, was there. But now I walk in, I fucking, I've got like a blazer on. It's like a gazelle in a lion's den. Yeah. I start producing estrogen immediately. Yeah. I'm just like, whatzer on and not these. It's like a gazelle in a lion's den. Yeah. I start producing estrogen immediately.

Yeah. I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing here? And I realize, I go, I have to talk to these guys about, and I did a little bit. Yeah. And then I ended up just being funny and fucking around. Yeah. And then they came to my show that night. And I'm fucking so funny.

Man tears, guys, seriously. And they fucking, and Shab and I, and Shab moved to Marina Del Rey, and then we just started hanging out. Oh, really? And then I said to him, I go, bro. And then me and Rogan were at Metamorris with him, and he was making us laugh. He was telling stories.

What's Metamorris? It's a jujitsu thing. And he was making us laugh, telling stories. Rogan's cackling. He didn't know him. And he goes, dude, that guy's fucking funny. And I go, yeah, no, I don't hang with him because he's got big muscles. I mean, I do sort of.

But, you know, for the most part, he was fucking hilarious. And I said to him, I go, let's do a podcast together and we'll talk about fighting. And he said, no, we're not going to talk about fighting. Let's talk about life. And that's how Fighter and the Kid was born. Really? Now, he was the fighter and the kid, so why did you guys do that title? I came up with the title because I came to set one day when I was doing a movie with Jane Lynch,

and I looked at everyone and I go, guys, please refer to me as the kid from now on. And they would say kid, and I'd go, please call me the kid. I thought he was a fighter. And they were like, why? And I said, I gave myself that nickname. From 40-Year-Old Virgin? It was not that silly movie, no. But it was the one before that, but thank you for asking.

I went from The Hangover to those two movies. I made a lot of good choices. Yeah. Joker? Joker. If you blink, you see that much of my face. Oh, the UFC movie. What's the UFC movie?

Warrior. I put the writer and director together for that movie. You were talking wild shit about Tom Hardy. Yeah. I like Tom. But when I did fucking, well, Joker,

I'm there for like four days with Greer Barnes. Yeah. We're all hanging around. Like legend, legend. I've been doing this so long. We're doing it. And Joaquin Phoenix is there

and he's in the room the whole time. Never said hi or bye once because he's so in fucking character. All right, whatever. Is he, what is that called? Method.

Method, method, method. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Method, method. Is he method now? Oh, like, like, like. Big time. Like, he was 184 pounds and Todd Phillips said something to the effect of, I think he should be skinny.

Yeah. And so this motherfucker, I think, came to set at 126 pounds. Wow 126 pounds wow this motherfucker apparently he didn't want to apparently todd phillips was like you need to be this skinny and he was like no that's too much it's not like that todd will say todd is todd's beautiful because todd is really good at figure he doesn't he allows you a lot of leeway but he knows exactly what he wants but he's not going to do it he'll just say i think he might be skinnier he you know because it was it was really about an incel that was the idea and so he he and so joaquin phoenix who's got this inhuman discipline they said we'll get you a nutritionist and he was like no fuck off i'll eat an apple a day and just smoke fuck i'm not kidding

that's i saw this motherfucker when I got to set and I said, hey, he was doing the scene in the bus where he can't stop laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That scene is amazing.

Now, I watched that dude. I watched one fucking frame, one frame like that and I looked at Tyler and I go, he's gonna win an Oscar. Really?

It was like the fighter when you saw Christian Bale, my student. And I was like, this motherfucker is gonna win. The minute opening frame I went, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh no, this is crazy. Oh, he's going to win. I thought that was great. I rewatched it like a week ago and I was like, yo, The Fighter, Christian Bale is great.

I still don't think it holds a candle to, well, I'd never seen anything like Joker. So here's the big secret too. So they went, hmm, I don't know if I can, well, I bet, I believe that there were other actors on that list to play Joker. Interesting. And everybody was afraid of that role. Everybody who's a great actor is afraid of that role. Who do you think was top of the list? Because there's so much margin for error.

Who do you think's top of that list? I heard Santino margin for error. Who do you think's top of that list? I heard Santino turned it down, right? My third best student turned it down. Did you deserve it? Huh? Did you deserve that role? Did they come to me first? No.

But this motherfucker took it. This motherfucker took this role. Who do you think turned it down? Who do you think they wanted? Well, I think the person that's number one in Hollywood that you would go to first, no matter what. Leo motherfucker took this role. Who do you think turned it down? Who do you think they wanted? Well, I think the person that's number one in Hollywood that you would go to first, no matter what.

Leo? Yeah. Yeah. That would always be the guy. So it starts at Leo? I'm not saying that's true.

I'm not, I'm not. You just assume most lists start at Leo. Duff? Yeah. The top three was always Leo, Brad Pitt, Will Smith. There you go.

That was the thing. Now, now, now. Will Smith as Joker would be hilarious. I'd love to see that. Yeah. You know who could be a good Joker? Jada. She'd be to see that. You know who could be a good Joker?

Jada. She'd be a great Joker. That's kind of genius, bro. Yeah. That's kind of genius. That could work. I find her very attractive. What?

I do. And I like her with that shaved head. I do. I think she's hot as fuck. I mean, just physically. Are you just trying not to get slapped right now

or what's going on? I want to get slapped. I want to get slapped. You think it's done for Will in Hollywood? I love what Dave Chappelle said, which was he approximated a perfect person for 30 years. He played a perfect person. And it's nice that he took the mask off

and we can see that he's just as flawed as the rest of us. Yeah. That shit's exhausting. Yeah. And you get caught up in that. Look, look, you have the truth, man. All you have is the truth. I don't give a fuck.

It's like my favorite thing, my favorite quote is, you get away with nothing in life. You can twist the fabric of reality. I'm quoting Jordan Peterson. You can twist, but I've always said this, you can twist the fabric of reality for a while, but the truth sits there on the fucking couch with a fedora and a cigar

going, when you're done with this parade, I'll be here. I'm going to be collecting my pound of flesh. Yeah. But take your time.

Take your time. No, it's good. Have a good time, but I'll be here. You could have been a great joker. That's what I'm saying. I just saw it, dude.

That was it. That was it right there. He has it, dude. With my Invisalign? Yeah. Dude, I get these off in four weeks. I'm going to be handsome as fuck. And then, can you imagine if I just get that?

Oh. Just that, dude? You're the joker. I'm about to 30-fucking-five. You're the joker. And then fucking TRT. TRT? Talk about a fleshburka.

Yeah, why don't you do TRT, dude? Because I don't find it. I have to piss. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Come on, Arcos. I know. I'm sorry. Come on, Akash. I know. I'm sorry. Hey, pull those pants up.

Whoa. What underwear are those? Akash sings. Finally. Finally. Now we can talk. Phone is gone. Wait, what did I just ask?

I really did want to know the answer to that. Will Smith. Will being done. Do I think he's finished? No. I really did want to know the answer to that. Will Smith. Will being done. Do I think he's finished? No. I don't think anybody's finished. Here's a better question. What does he have to do to get back?

I think he's got to— He's got to be like an indie that blows up, right? He can do it all day long. Tomorrow, if you want it to, he can come back. But it has to be an indie that blows up. It's critically acclaimed. Everybody says it's amazing. I don't know, Andrew.

I don't know because the thing about it is that he his brand was this perfect safe person and then we saw who he really was yeah and i'm not saying he's a bad person yeah but we saw that he's human yeah that he had a fucking moment that he lost control i don't think that defines you by the way you don't freeze him you don't freeze frame him but um because i think he's a pretty extraordinary guy in a lot of ways and seems like a good person. But he had a fucking moment, man. Yeah. And I think that you could say he could do a role and shit,

but I almost feel like he's got a, I don't know, man. Maybe he's got to have a real conversation about what he learned. He tried to do that appraisal video. This shit was horrible. No, because he's still caught in that trap. He's still caught in that what I'm supposed to say versus how I really feel, which is I fucked up, and I wasn't sorry in the moment.

I'm still not sorry. I'm still not sorry. Yeah. You know what? And that's who I am, motherfuckers. He hates Chris. Motherfuckers. You can tell.

Even when he's apologizing to him. When people fuck with my girl, I see red. Yeah. Fuck you. He would have been better off doing that because I would have been like, I got you on that. Yeah. I got you on that. Yeah, I'm an ugly motherfucker when you come at my girl.

Yeah. That's how it is. Yeah. Right? He needs to drop a rap album. What's that? Whoa. Yo.

Like a drill track? Yeah. Oh, that'd be sick. Curse? that? Whoa. Yo. Like a drill track? Yeah. Oh, that would be so cursed. Getting jiggy with it if he puts out like another version. I want like Chicago drill, like talking about killing people. Yo, music forgives, man. If the music is fire, we will let you do whatever the hell you want. Hell yeah.

That is true. Like a 4-4-4. Imagine. But can he do that where he's talking where it's raw enough? You know what I mean? do that where he's talking where it's raw enough. You know what I mean? I think his brand was

so safe, universal, family. Now you took that mask off. You're not putting it back on. You can't be the sweet guy anymore. Yeah, but that's what happens, man. When you build your own fucking cage, you know,

it might be a... I thought there was something in that. What are you doing? I thought my fume was in that. He wants to smoke, so he wanted a fume instead. Dude, what do you smoke? I don't smoke. Okay.

But I'm getting addicted to it, so I'm trying to stop. Oh, you are? I don't want to do it, but I love smoking cigarettes. Don't vape. But you used to smoke. Nope, never. But you like it. He's picking it up at 38.

Really? Love it. Is that right? And so is vaping, you won't vape? I won't vape. But you want to? I don't want to vape. I only like cigarettes. He's picking it up at 38. Really? Love it. Is that right? And so is vaping, you won't vape? I won't vape. But you want to? I don't want to vape. I only like cigarettes.

Do you smoke weed? You like cigarettes. Don't smoke weed. Hate weed. Me too. Yeah, fucks me up. Makes me sad. Actually, I love weed, but the next day I get so hung up.

I did do six grams of mushrooms. It's six grams of mushrooms. When? When? Well, I did a mushroom ceremony. I did three, and then I did another three. Have you done ayahuasca? No, but I dissolved into the fucking sun.

Really? I went, I was inside a genie bottle with three grams. I was fucking in the desert. I was on a carpet. I mean, dude, I'm telling you, I was like, this is the secret. This is the secret. Yeah. I'm in a portal of beauty in heaven.

Yeah. And then I was invited to take three more grams not knowing because I'm not a seasoned tripper. And I dissolved into the fucking sun. I died twice. I got caught in an infinite loop of hell. No. And apparently I was in the fetal position screaming. Where is this?

A girl had to come get me. My buddy ran away. It was a bad situation. How long ago was this? This was about two months ago, sir. Yeah. Where ran away. It was a bad situation. How long ago was this? This was about two months ago, sir. Yeah. Where was it?

It was in Los Angeles. San Jose Improv. Do you lay down and are guided through it or are you walking around? But the people that did it were very experienced. I don't think they realized

that I was just not ready for... Your body, everybody's body reacts differently. I'm a bitch. I had a bad mushroom trip once. You did? Did you really?

Yeah. I was at Burning Man. Fuck me up. What happened? I just... bitch. I had a bad mushroom trip once. You did? Did you really? Yeah. I was at Burning Man. Fuck me up. What happened? I just, every time I closed my eyes, I would be in that Enter the Dragon movie where Bruce Lee has to fight the statues. But each statue was like an insecurity of mine. So like, and I could open my eyes and go, this is stupid. I know this isn't happening.

Yeah. But I was so tired I wanted to sleep. Exactly. So every time I would close my eyes, I'd start seeing the things again. And it was gnarly. When you came out of it, did you have an urge to confront those insecurities in one way or another? No, it wasn't one of those things where it's like, I've gotten past that now. People do ayahuasca, they're like, yeah, I've reconciled with my dad.

No, no, they're still there, and I just had to fight them. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. You didn there, and I just had to fight them. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. You didn't learn from this experience at all? Nothing. Well, I learned don't do mushrooms for a while, and then I did them immediately after we went back to Britain.

But I think you live a pretty honest life, and you're honest with yourself. Yeah, maybe. So that's a huge part of it. Also, like, I don't think it's realistic to have no insecurity about anything. Of course not. I don't want to lose my insecurity. You'd be an asshole. And I don't want to lose my dissatisfaction with myself

and even the fact that I don't like myself that much. I'm not interested in liking myself because I've got to write. Yeah. I've got to come up. I just fucking dropped this special. I've got to write a whole fucking new special. Yeah. I need holes to fill, man.

Don't fucking. I'm not interested in. I'm afraid of comfort. That is so stupid. What a stupid thing to say. You disagree with that? You don't think fulfilled people can write like Joe Rogan is completely dissatisfied with himself

and he's like, I haven't done enough. He is, he is dissatisfied. I think he wants to achieve a certain thing, but I think this idea that like, I don't like me and that's the only way I'm funny, I think that's- That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking

about the fact that you can like yourself and be proud of your accomplishments. But the idea, Joe, the first thing Joe said to himself was when he came to, because I watched his fucking hour, which is going to be, dude, I've known him since I was 27. This motherfucker in front of 12,000 people did an hour. I looked at Tony Hengecliffe and I was like, bro. And he goes, I'm telling you, it's the best thing he's ever done. he's ever done i've seen everything i'm talking about at 55 and he's got some that's amazing got some money in the bank yeah yeah first thing he said fuck first thing he said to me is he goes when i came to austin i didn't want to allow the comfort the money the attention to dull my fucking that's amazing. Because he's never satisfied.

Yeah, there's a difference between never being satisfied and never being satisfied with yourself or happy with yourself. Well, I mean, I'm being a little dramatic, okay? Oh, that's the acting background. My bad, my bad.

I forgot. I forgot who I was talking to. I could kill in my momentum. I forgot, I forgot. I was going to get poetic. Yeah. It was just dumb stuff to say. There's a soliloquy coming up.

No, but no, I disagree. I think a little self-loathing is probably a good thing. I mean, or not self-loathing is, again, too dramatic, but a queer sense of dissatisfaction would be safe. Well, you got the queer part. Because I'm inclusive as fuck, you guys. Yeah. I understand what you're saying.

And I think that sometimes, okay, this is going to be the most lo-fi version of it. But maybe a comic that's overweight is afraid of losing the weight because he feels like he'll lose his sense of humor with it. I've seen that. Now, I don't necessarily believe that to be true. And I think that's what Akash is saying is that like you can still fix these things and still be funny. You know, you might be even funnier. You should always be trying to self-improve.

Yes. I agree with that. The idea that you hold on to your self-loathing is ridiculous yes you should always be trying to self-improve also also like um your self-loathing might not be what drives it your dissatisfaction with something might be what drives the comedy well let's let's put it this way yes that's well said actually actually. See if you agree with this. We are all, as comics, in the business of original self-expression. I don't write shit unless I think it's original, unless it surprised me and it's not derivative. If it's derivative, we all write shit that I know is going to work. Man, I get that feeling in my heart. I go, fuck, man, I'm a bitch right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you write something that surprised you, that you got excited about. Yeah. I stay alive for that shit. Yeah. And that's the business of self-expression. Yeah. That, I don't know about you guys, but that never gets easy.

Yeah. That war, that dragon, you got to, and you got to, the challenge is not get caught up in the same questions. Get caught up in, because most writers actually are obsessed with probably one or two questions. For me, it's always been, what is courage and what is a man? How do you define what a man is? Why can't I cry? Why can't you? I learned because I come from a culture that doesn't allow it.

I'm not even saying this as a, like he's even older than us. And we grew up being like, oh, crying is weird. We're just now getting out of that. And I'm not teasing you in this moment. You're right though. Yeah, he's 15 years old or whatever. You're 100% right. And so crying.

Crying is lit. And even seeing a therapist was considered a weakness. Yeah. And I talk about this in special. I really think, it's the joke, but this is true, is that we have evolved

through millennia. Most of our history has been hunter-gatherer tribes having to fight another hunter-gatherer tribe for resources, territory, whatever it might be. Hunting on foot

with sharp sticks. We didn't have metal for most of our thing. We didn't domesticate animals. Right. Try killing a woolly mammoth with fucking sharp sticks. It's got to be a team effort, and I can't have anybody fucking emotional. Yeah. That's why loyalty with men is so important.

Yeah. Why? Because I need to know. Life is on the line. You are right here, motherfucker. Yeah. We're going to go fight that other tribe, or we're going to die. Sure.

And I think those things, that sort of, there's real genetic residue. There's genetic memory to that. It's how we've evolved. So everything after that is very difficult, man. But there's a lot of strength also in what goes back to being honest and being like, yeah, I cry. Yeah. I feel fucking scared or I'm, you know, all those things.

Yeah. And maybe that's where, you know, that's kind of what I'm fascinated with is the fact, but here's what you learn when you're older too, is that you can build as much armor as you want. Chaos is coming, motherfucker. Yeah. The flood is coming and it's going to come, it's going to come in a form you don't recognize, bearing weaponry you have no armor for. I don't care how ready you get. You can have access to a well. You can have seven months

of frozen game meat in your freezer. You can have all the guns. You can have a wall and some shit happens to you that brings you to your knees. Could be, God forbid, something to your kid. Could be something else.

But either way, just know that that's a factor of being a human being, a limited creature called a human being. And we are doomed to that constant process of self-perfection. I think this is a new thing though, and this is probably for the majority of maybe only Americans or Western, I don't know, but the chaos is now emotional. Whereas before the chaos was survival, we just need to survive. We've kind of evolved past that. Yes. So now we're thriving, and thriving is dealing with all this shit,

and that doesn't align with any of what evolution has been. Yeah, I think searching for meaning, right? So once we figured out how to feed ourselves, and we live in a very unique time where we don't have to worry about another country coming into our country. So our resources don't have to go so much to weaponry and an army.

Another country, another tribe. All that. So now what it is, is I think we're all looking for meaning. Yeah. That's a fucking hard thing, right? Before, meaning was, I just need to live and fuck

and carry on the offspring, and that's evolution. Yes. Yes. Yeah. But comics maybe might be the siren song, man. That's like, you know, satire is powerful.

It's fucking powerful. Yeah. That's like, you know, satire is powerful. It's fucking powerful. Yeah. That's how you speak truth to power. Like when you can make fun of the powerful and you can make fun of human folly. Yeah. And how ridiculous all of us are. It's like this.

Don't tell them that. No. Don't give us too much importance. I bristle at that as well. Yeah. As long as we don't have too much importance, we can do everything we want. The second we start saying,

we're the, whatever, the siren song. Oh, fuck, modern day philosophers. We're the modern day philosophers. Then all of a sudden, we can't say shit because they're like, those modern day philosophers are saying that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. The best thing that we can be to the people in power are clowns.

I agree. Because then we can say whatever we want to the people in power. Remember the clown? No, he didn't. The clown was the one person that could make fun of the king. But the fool would come in and be funny, and sometimes the king would be like, I don't like him. Well, every once in a while.

Just be funny. Be funny. You know what I mean? Fucking funny. Simple as that. And also, if we take ourselves too seriously, then we lose that whatever gives us importance. You lose that when you think you matter.

Well, never forget being silly. We just never tell them whether you're being serious or whether you're being silly. Well, I love being silly. Yes. Because it's the only time you can take the whole chessboard and just fucking go, fuck off. Yeah. That's a beautiful moment in life. 100%.

We stay alive for the moments you... Think about your memories, I think, are correlated not with accomplishments. They're correlated with laughter. There's something, there's an intimacy. There's a frequency when you're fucking laughing with your boys. That's what's so great about podcasts. Because when will we have this conversation where we're actually

sitting here actually connecting? And you guys are learning so much from me. We are. We're free. And nobody's writing anything down. Good point. But we have it recorded. We can listen to this over and over again and watch it over and over again. Every single one. Yeah. Guys, and not only can we watch this, we can watch Manteers on YouTube.

Yeah. And watch Best Of with Brian Callen. And watch your new podcast. And watch The Fighter and the Kid. Yes. And all you guys can do it too. And Conspiracy Social Club on Rothko. And Conspiracy Social Club on Rothko with Sam Tripoli.

This has been Filagrant with Brian Callen. Thank you guys so much.